#la douleur exquise

[poetrybyonur]

There is a phrase in French that refers the intense emotional pain of wanting someone you can't have or loving someone who doesn't love you back. They call it “La douleur exquise,” which literally means “the exquisite pain.” Only the French would come up with something so eloquent to describe the pain of unrequited love. It has been said that the pain and heartache in these circumstances is unbearable. Have you ever experienced it?

A piece I wrote in 2018.

[still-with-koo]

La Douleur Exquise | KTH

summary: when your best friend’s brother suddenly shows up at your door, you are shocked at the words that fall from his pretty mouth. he leaves you flustered and grasping for the thin line between right and wrong.

pairing: taehyung x reader

wc: 2,534

genre/warnings/rating: 18+, friends to lovers (kind of); best friend’s brother to (maybe) lovers; angst; fluff; smut (suggestive themes; intense emotional kissing; they don’t ask before kissing the other person; mentions of getting turned on; reader gets flustered; tae gets intimately close without asking first); reader is a few years older than Tae but both are well past legal age; unresolved feelings; mentions of societal expectations; explicit language. the characters in this story are my own and do not reflect on the members of bts or anyone else. this is all made up and just for fun, please don’t take it too seriously!

a/n: this one is a repost. definitely the most explicit thing i’ve written even if there’s no actual smut lmao

Mina said he had changed, but she hadn’t told you just how much.

It was strange to be alone in a room with him without Mina, or his other sisters, or his parents. Yet here he was, hunched over on your couch, staring determinedly at a spot a few feet from you.

“I shocked you, I guess,” he states finally, because the expression on your face could mean nothing else. You wonder how he could tell. He hasn’t looked at you once since he said it. The words that took you by complete and utter surprise. Surely no one expects a sudden love confession, no?

“A little.”

You continue to observe him as you lean against the sideboard, drumming your fingers against the cool wood. He looks nothing like the scrawny teenager you used to tease so many years ago.

“Tae, this is ridiculous. You’re my best friend’s baby brother.”

He flinches at those last words. Your best friend’s baby brother. The cage he couldn’t escape. That kept you on the outside. Kept you unattainable.

You notice his reaction. His fists tightening, connected to exposed veiny forearms beneath his rolled up sleeves that made you bite down on your lip.

Stop.

You catch yourself and shift your thoughts quickly, internally chastising yourself for your momentary lapse. He is your best friend’s younger brother. It would be wrong to see him as anything else, right?

“We’re both in our 20’s, Y/N. Age shouldn’t matter anymore.”

“But you’ll always be Mina’s baby—”

“Please— please don’t say it again.”

You bite your lip again as this time he looks directly into your eyes with a look that was unmistakeable. His sudden boldness was betraying your inhibitions. And you look away as you feel your cheeks start to heat up. But it’s too late.

When you look back, he’s grinning at you. Hopeful. Anticipating. His boxy grin reminding you of another time he smiled at you like that. The first time he made his confession nearly two decades ago.

“Y/N, I made you something.”

Taehyung runs to you and pulls away his sister, looking up at you with stars in his eyes. Whatever it was, he was very excited about it.

“Ok Tae, let me see it.”

You pull the card from his hand and smile as you read the words scrawled messily on the inside: ‘I love you Y/N. Will you marry me?’

You laugh wholeheartedly and pull him in for a big bear hug.

“Of course I’ll marry you, Tae. Ask me again when you’re older, ok?”

“You promised to marry me when I was older. I’m older now.”

“But Tae, you know I wasn’t serious. We were just kids.”

You suddenly remember something he said the year before he left to study abroad. A strange statement he had made that you hadn’t given much thought until now.

“When you said you wouldn’t marry anyone except your first love, is this…were you talking about me?”

He nods slowly, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards. You remembered.

“Tell me you’re not attracted to me, Y/N.”

His request was sudden. Bold. A command. Something the Taehyung you knew would have never ventured.

“And if I say it, then what?”

“I will walk away. But you have to make me believe it.”

Your grip on the sideboard tightens as you stare him down, determined to end this once and for all.

“I’m not attracted to you, Tae.”

There, you said it. It might have come out a little more high pitched than you intended. But you said it.

But your words only elicited a smug grin from him.

“Are you sure?” he teases, licking his lips.

He slowly rises from the couch, eyes dark and hooded, never once leaving yours. He starts to close the gap between you and you start to feel hot all over. The way he’s walking towards you. A predator that has found its prey. His eyes full of lust and desire. You’ve never seen him like this. And you hate that it’s turning you on.

“Tae—”

Within seconds he is only a foot away, hesitating, hovering close but not close enough. He is much taller than you remember, and much bigger too. You can’t bring your eyes to meet his, instead taking in the way his thin turtleneck sweater tapers down his tiny waist, trailing down to his light wash jeans so tight around his thighs. Fuck. He was going to be the death of you.

He growls, his voice low and gravelly.

“How about now? Still nothing?”

You finally tilt your head upwards, trailing across his broad chest, past his tiny mole and pillowy lips, up to his glittering eyes. He was blatantly enjoying this.

You clear your throat, hoping against hope that the heat in your cheeks was not translating to your skin.

“Nothing,” you whisper.

He steps closer, now merely inches from you, the heat from his body transferring to yours. You could feel yourself start to crumble, his aura so intoxicating, his cologne rendering you delirious.

“Still nothing,” you manage with great effort. You wonder if he could hear your thundering heartbeat, whether your heart would betray your words.

He leans in, caging you between himself and the cabinet, resting his hands on the sideboard behind you. Your breath hitches as his hands graze yours, his long thumbs gently caressing your fingers, which were now gripping onto the sideboard for dear life. You were trying very hard not to think about his thigh in between your legs. An inch or so forward and he would make contact.

You feel goosebumps start to prickle your skin as he whispers in your ear, the sound low and guttural, like thunder before lightening strikes.

“Tell me I’m not affecting you, Y/N. Tell me you feel nothing.”

Fuck. He was affecting you. But why? He had barely touched you. Were you actually attracted to Tae? The goofy little ball of sunshine that used to follow you around like a little puppy?

His eyes linger on your lips as you part them, waiting for the words he is certain are seeking freedom, itching to escape into his awaiting heart. He is certain he isn’t misreading your signals. He is certain that after all these years you must finally feel something for him too.

So when words did leave your lips, something broke in him. His hopes came crashing down.

“No, Tae. I don’t feel anything for you,” you answer breathily. The fact that any sound made it out of your mouth at all makes your chest swell. It took every bit of effort not to crumble before him. Not to give in to the temptation leaning right into you.

He sharply exhales before leaning back, away from you, leaving your body suddenly cold and aching.

The look in his eyes shoot daggers through you. The way his shoulders hunch in, the utter defeat that was oozing from every fiber of his being. With one last glance into your eyes he turns away, mumbling something before grabbing his coat from the adjacent chair.

“I’m sorry, Tae.”

He sighs.

“Please don’t be. It’s my problem; not yours. Deep down I always knew you would never reciprocate my feelings. And I tried… I really tried to get over you, Y/N, to pass this off as some stupid crush. I stayed as far away from you for as long as humanly possible… but it didn’t matter. Not when my heart rests in your hands.”

If a heart could shatter you would have heard the sound of glass breaking. His was broken. And your heart broke with him.

“Everything reminded me of you, Y/N. A million tiny things tangled up in my mind. Your face. Your smile. Your eyes. I saw them in every cloud. In every painting. Inside every museum and concert hall. I couldn’t take it. The distance I put between us, both in time and kilometres, has only made my feelings grow. That’s why I came back. I had to tell you how I feel. I thought if you saw me now… after all these years… then maybe you would finally give me a chance. That maybe, you could possibly, see me as something more than just your friend’s brother. But I… I realize now I was wrong.” His back was still turned to you so you couldn’t see the tears now trickling down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry Y/N. I hope I didn’t offend you.”

Something inside you snaps. You don’t know what demon possesses you as within seconds you reach him and whirl him around to face you, wide eyed and stunned. Without a second thought you descend upon him with throbbing lips that match the heat from his, your hands pulling him into you, curling your fingers around his paper thin sweater, feeling the muscles underneath tighten, straining from the exertion.

Thrown completely off-guard it takes him a second to realize what was happening. As soon as the shock wears off he grabs your face and pulls you roughly into him, moaning hotly into your mouth, his lips pressing into yours feverishly. His other hand sends electric sparks down your spine as he drops his coat to trace his way up to the small of your back, pulling you flush against his body. The world around you falls away as you feel a rush of pleasure overtake your body. You can feel something hardening against your core and you gasp into his mouth, tightening your grip around his sweater as you start to see stars. You can barely breathe but you continue as if he was oxygen and his body your lifeboat. You were drowning but you didn’t care.

And then suddenly you did.

You pull your head back and push him away as his eyes shoot open. You avoid his gaze while smoothing down your skirt that had ridden up past your thigh. It didn’t take you long but you couldn’t bear to look into his eyes. Worried your resolve might break again.

“I’m sorry, Tae, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Y/N—”

Your fingers shoot up to his lips but you move them away quickly. If you were going to reject him you needed to avoid all further physical contact. Immediately.

He simply stared at your hand falling away, noticing the way your fingers wrapped around the hem of your skirt, mindlessly pulling on it the way you did back then whenever you were nervous.

“It was wrong for me to kiss you. I’m sorry, Tae. But I hope it makes you realize… that your, um, love really is just a stupid crush… like you said. At least you can see now that... you don’t really want me, Tae. There’s no spark between us.”

Lies. You were forcing lies to pass through your lips. Grasping at straws to explain this away. Because you knew you were fighting a losing battle.

He bit his lip, looking down at the spot in front of your feet. His bangs fell over his eyes as he let you think he was considering the possibility. That maybe this kiss made him realize he wasn’t actually in love with you.

A few moments pass in silence as he watches you shuffle your weight from one foot to the other. He then tilts his head to the side as he looks up at you slightly, dark locks of hair swaying to the side with the motion.

Your chest constricts. Why was he making this so hard? His puppy dog eyes were making your heart melt.

But you can’t. Well, you could. No, you won’t. Your best friend —his sister— would never speak to you again. Not to mention your other friends, your parents, none of them would ever approve either.

You can just imagine what they’d say. He’s Mina’s younger brother. He’s younger than you. It’s too weird. You need someone older. More mature. You need to settle down.

And you never could stand the word disappointed.

“Do you want me to leave, Y/N?”

You look in his direction as he fades back into view. You can’t ignore the words floating in the back of your mind.

No.

Please stay, Tae.

Kiss me again.

But alas.

“I think that would be best, Tae.”

He looks at you once more. But the look of defeat is gone. This time there is a light. A sparkle that wasn’t there before.

“Ok, Y/N. I will go.”

He grabs his jacket from the floor and you barely make out a smirk beneath his dark locks as you notice him glancing at your legs. When you look down you suddenly realize you had been squeezing your thighs together. Shit.

He can’t help the smug grin on his face, throwing you a quick wink before he heads towards your front door.

Brat. He knew he affected you. And he was rubbing it in your face.

You watch as he slides on his overcoat. As he bends over to slide on his oxfords. As he straightens up his turtleneck. It astonishes you how much he has changed. He is mesmerizing.

He glances back, with the full knowledge that you were staring at him.

“We don’t have to tell Mina. If that’s what is holding you back. Well, not until the wedding, I suppose.”

“What—”

His statement had you grasping for words, flustered.

He spins around and walks directly to you, brushing a strand of your locks from your eyes, watching it settle with the rest, before looking into your eyes again.

“You know how I feel, Y/N. And that kiss… made me fall in love all over again. And it will haunt me every night until I finally have you in my arms. But don’t worry. Nothing has to change. I won’t pressure you. I won’t even come near you unless you want me to.”

You continue to gaze into his eyes, the tension slowly melting as you start to find his proximity and the intimacy of his eye contact strangely comforting.

Then he steps back.

“You want me to leave so I will.”

He gives your hands a tight squeeze before opening your front door, bracing himself as the cool winter air fills his lungs.

You lean your head against the door frame as you watch him walk away, snowflakes falling gently all around him. In this setting he looked like a beautiful prince. The way his hot breath shot out of his pretty lips, suspended in mid air, reminded you of fairy dust.

His hand lingers over his car door handle, waiting. Anticipating. Finally he exhales sharply, brows furrowing before he forces the car door open.

“Tae—”

As if an intersection signal suddenly flashed green, he shuts the door close and turns towards you, his infamous boxy grin making a reappearance. His eyes widen in anticipation as he waits for those words to leave your lips. He hopes against hope that you won’t make him wait. That you will give into the feelings you most certainly have. So he can run into your outstretched arms and return home for the first time in his life.

But this is not as easy for you. You now realize your thoughts about Tae are no longer entirely chaste. You have a fondness for him that took a turn much too quickly. Surely you should keep these feelings prisoner inside your chest. To free them would free some part of you you’re not ready to let go yet. The loyal friend. The dutiful daughter. The good girl.

But another part of you is sick of these constructs. These parts of you that tied you down, repressing your desires, smothering your feelings. You could not figure out which side you should let win.

There was only one thing you knew for sure.

“I want you to stay, Tae.”

That’s all it took. With a gleeful expression he runs towards you as you reach out your arms to meet him.

You may not know what you will do next but at least you won’t have to decide alone.

[maybethistimemegz]

The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable

[asexual-radio-demon]

La douleur exquise: First Meeting

A/N I have no idea where I am going with this, it's just a snippet. I just had an idea and wanted to write it down. Maybe it will lead to a story, maybe not. Maybe it will be a series of snippets, maybe not. We'll see!!

Masterlist:

Bored, Amora looked at the little imp, who walked nervously in front of her and occasionally glanced over his shoulder, hoping she wouldn't notice.

Of course she did.

The heels of her shoes clacked hard on the smooth floor and echoed in the silence of the hallway, interrupted only occasionally by the panting breath or stumble of the smaller man in front of her. His tail twitched back and forth almost as nervously as his body trembled, and Amora was tempted to step on it just to make him stop.

However, she knew Asmodeus wouldn't be thrilled about that, so she let her gaze wander along the walls instead.

The furnishings looked just as bleak as the colorless floor and Amora was quickly becoming bored, even more bored than watching the imp trip over his own feet. The only object that was actually in this corridor were cameras. Loads of cameras that flashed at her and followed her even when she already had her back to them.

Amora may not have been from the Ring of Pride, and Asmodeus had done his best to keep her away from its technology for the most part, but she was not naïve. She knew she had been watched since she had entered the building, if not before. The real question was whether it was simply an employee who had been given the task, or someone with a higher position…

Her gaze fell on the man in front of her again and her mouth twisted slightly, causing her dusky pink eyes to flash a little harder when he next looked over at her, causing him to turn back with a yip and tap a little faster in front of her.

A chuckle escaped her and she tilted her head slightly. "Where exactly are you taking me again, Zack?" At the mention of his name, he flinched even more than when she had addressed him and she could hear him gulp all the way over to her.

"To…to the briefing room, where Mr. Vox will meet you."

Amora grimaced slightly at the thought of the Overlord, but remained silent. She already couldn't stand this place and although she had never met the television demon in person, there was already a bitter taste in her mouth.

He was involved with Valentino, one of the so-called Vees, and that alone was enough for her to take a negative attitude towards him. Fortunately, she had only met Valentino once before, but Asmodeus had told her enough about the Overlord to fire hatred in her.

In front of a large, gray double door, the Imp stopped, trembling, and looked up at her. "Here…here we are. If you need anything else… Let… Let me know." Zack didn't give her time to answer, scurrying down the hallway as fast as his little legs would carry him. Amora looked after him, amused, before shaking her head and turning towards the door. Those little ones were so easy to intimidate.

Her gaze slid back to the door and she reached out to push the doors open as they slid aside on their own.

Amora merely raised an eyebrow before stepping over the threshold, not waiting for another invitation.

The room was poorly lit, dim, the only light coming from the screens on the right wall and the window opposite her. It was empty, loveless and cold, which made Amora wrinkle her nose. She wasn't used to this kind of detachment from her surroundings. In the Lust Ring, in her home, Asmodeus had always made sure the walls had some color, there were decorations and tasteful lighting, so she and almost everyone else had felt comfortable, at least as far as they could in hell.

This room, however, made her want to get her business over with even faster than before. Maybe it was meant to create that effect, what did she know. She didn't feel the need to come here again.

She took long, slow steps towards the window, her skirt billowing around her legs. Tilting her head, she let her gaze wander and wrinkled her nose again. The Pride Ring might be Lucifer's domain, but it was a lot uglier than her ring. The red hurt her eyes and the fog that lay over the city didn't exactly add to its beauty.

Amora had always taken her home in the Lust Ring for granted, but looking at this sight and thinking of the things she had seen along the way, she was grateful not to have grown up here. While Asmodeus was far from the most powerful sin, some even called him the weakest and she disagreed, his ring was a lot more tolerable than this shithole.

"If I had known to expect you, Lady Amora, I would have welcomed you downstairs myself." The voice sounded behind her, but Amora neither flinched nor turned to face him, but instead smirked slightly. "Please, we're in the pride ring, no need to be modest, Vox." She turned around to look the Overlord in the face. Well, in the screen. Vox stood next to the table, a few meters behind her, keeping a safe distance, his arms crossed behind his back and a wide smile on his digital lips that may have seemed superficially polite, but she could see the annoyance and mockery in his eyes. "You knew you would meet me as soon as I entered the ring. From the moment I entered the building at the latest, you knew you were going to deal with me."

For a brief moment, his face glitched and his smile flickered before he tilted his head and let out a chuckle that didn't sound as benevolent as he probably would have liked. "You are clever, my lady." She rolled her eyes at the sycophancy and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I'll admit, I was surprised when I saw you. As far as I remember, I was supposed to be meeting with Asmodeus, not his secretary." Her smile slowly returned, spreading across her face, and with savoring, slow steps, she sauntered toward him. There was the venom in his voice, the snideness she had been waiting for.

Amused, she leaned forward so that her face was not far from his. "And from what I remember, he was supposed to be meeting the blasted moth, not his lapdog. Besides, it's pronounced 'daughter', or at least 'heiress', not secretary. Got that?" Sparks twitched between Vox's fingers and, pleased, she noticed his smile tighten, his eyes twitching. If she had been nothing more than an imp or a sinner, he would have already killed her for being two hours late. Amora could almost hear him swallowing his anger and turned her back on him to walk to the other side of the table, knowing full well that he wouldn't hurt her.

Even without the threat of being smitten by one of the seven sins should she be harmed, Amora was not to be underestimated. She was not as powerful as her father, but powerful enough to burn out the demon's internal hard drive. "Valentino couldn't make it, which is why I'm supposed to do the negotiating, but he sends his best regards," he gritted out reluctantly and Amora turned around in time to see him exchange his angry expression for a forced smile and laughed with a sneer. "'Cut the fucking act, Vox. We both know that son of a bitch has no manners and wishes I was choking on my drink more than anything else. I didn't come all the fucking way up here to listen to your bullshit."

She put her hands on the table and leaned over to him. By now his smile had disappeared completely and he was staring at her with a scowl. "We have something to talk about. And since Valentino isn't here, you're going to sit on your ass and listen without bugging me any more so we can get this crap over with as soon as possible, got it?"

[transparentgentlemenmarker]

Ce n’est pas la douleur dont j’ai peur, je la connais. Ce qui me fait peur, c’est la fin de ce petit et doux rêve. Stephen King

[punksarahreese]

hiii could we maybe please get a three or five sentence fic (up to you!!) for the hanahaki au 👀👀

Occurs after this

***

Usually after a twelve hour shift Ava was more than ready to leave Gaffney behind, beelining for her bed the moment she could. This day was different though, there was a nagging thought stopping her from closing her locker on her white coat and the shrill ring of her pager solidified that.

She read the 911 - ICU station 2 just as her name was paged over the intercom, setting her back into motion as she grabbed her stethoscope and left her locker unlocked. Latham was at a conference and Connor was in surgery, she only knew of one patient in the ICU that would need a cardiothoracic surgeon; one who had made it clear Ava wasn’t welcome.

“Sarah Reese you better not do anything stupid,” Ava whispered to no one, taking the stairs two at a time and praying to whatever entity may listen that they wouldn’t lose a resident today.

[elisaenglish]

-Edvard Munch, Separation (1896)-

[beautyarchive]

Sarah Jessica Parker in 'La Douleur Exquise!' episode of Sex and the City (1999).

[poetrybyonur]

As much as feeling unreciprocated love can be excruciating, it is also not at all easy being on the receiving end of unrequited love. When someone you are fond of just as a friend falls in love with you, it can make the friendship complicated and even uncomfortable.

A piece I wrote in 2018 on the theme of unrequited love, that I decided to redo on an image.

[persolaise]

U Smells Good, Eugen Nizic, Les Abstraits Live Interview

How does a perfume vlogger start his own brand? -- my chat with Eugen Nizic of Les Abstraits and U Smells Good

As I discovered while interviewing him, this person really didn’t need an introduction. But for the sake of the one or two of you out there who don’t know him: Eugen Nizic is the Canada-based perfume critic behind the U Smells Good YouTube channel. More importantly, as far as my recent video was concerned, he is the man who has crossed over to the production side of the industry by founding Les…

[maybethistimemegz]

La Douleur Exquise

[asexual-radio-demon]

La douleur exquise: Masterlist

Summary: Expression that refers to the feeling of wanting someone that you know you can never have, and knowing that you still want to be with them.

Story (Only on ao3!!)

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Snipptes:

First Meeting

[dabi-drift]

Abyss Razor x Reader (Mashle: Magic and Muscles):

Abyss knows he's not the one for you. You wouldn't want him - someone so touched by cowardice, someone so in love he can't even speak to you.

The depth of his love makes him nervous, and so, so guilty. You deserve the world, but all he can give you is his heart. So he keeps his distance; he stays in la douleur exquise, knowing that he can't hurt you.

He'll love you until he can't anymore, until you find someone else and he has to give you up. You'll never be his. He's not that lucky.

I Love You is easier at night, when every dream leads him back to you: to a beautiful vision.

Maybe his role is to guide you to another love, and maybe his heart is the price for your happiness, but that would be enough for him. Being in your life, even for a moment - being used by you, even once…if that's all he could do, it would be enough.

He has no right to feel so heartbroken. Not when it's always been too late to say he loves you.

He keeps a photo of you next to his photo of Abel.

And sometimes, he swears he sees your face in his coffee, and he has to put it down because he can't drink you.

His devotion is something that no-one can match. He would die today if it meant you could be happy tomorrow.

His mask hides eyes that hold dreams and tears, and a blush that would betray him. He can't face you with these feelings, with the weight of his one-sided love. He's not enough for you. You're everything that's right in this world - he's everything that's wrong. You're day and night, and you can't share the same sky.

So he'll need you to be brave. If you love him, make him believe you.

[jensettermandu]

la douleur exquise - kim minji

genre; smut, angst

pairing; g!p minji x female reader

conetent; fingering (reader receiving), some begging, praising, a bit of spanking, slightly rough sex, idk if i missed something

synopsis; minji finally finds the only moment left to tell the simply complicated words to the girl who already knows. she's already told her everything with her eyes, and somehow they are both aware of it all. the beauty of being too early, but also being too late, with no good moment actually existing.

wc; 10.9k+

masterlist

Minji has always had this one problem.

Love.

Not as cliché as it sounds even if it is because she had no problem with loving, it was just with who she fell in love with and how she fell. 

She fell too easily or thought that she was in love only to realise it would all be an infatuation that then passed. It was always the same thing of jumping in with both feet without even checking if she truly liked the waters or just found them mesmerising for the moment and then scurried away after truly feeling them. 

The more she thought about it, she may never really have been in love.

Probably not until now that these waters had left her looking at them for a while longer instead of jumping in right away. They had left her wanting to feel around them, learn them, to know exactly how to be in those waters to not cause any accidents. To not scurry away. To stay in them for long.

The more time passed the more mesmerised she felt and she was quite sure it was what it was. Minji was in love with the wrong waters, ones that had clear warning signs of not wanting anyone to intrude on them because the tide was high and the moment simply wasn’t right.

She just couldn’t help the way the corners of her lips raised as she listened to those calming waves, eyes stuck on the glimmering of them. It was more than just mesmerising. It was like a vacation that she never wanted to leave because she would never find waters as beautiful and as good to swim in again.

It was quite obvious and she knew that Y/n had probably figured it out because the girl didn’t let her say those three words. Every time she had tried tonight, Y/n diverted the conversation to something different right away. It was fine because she could wait and she would wait until she would have the chance to say them. 

It was selfish.

Not only selfish but scary.  

It had been three months since they started to see each other. 

They’ve been going with this routine for three months now.

They would see each other on mostly Thursdays, and Saturdays, at times Tuesdays too. Those were usually days when Y/n was free and Minji always made sure to be free on those days just to see Y/n. Otherwise, she had no other way of seeing her. 

They didn’t go to the same college.

They didn’t see each other just to hang out. 

They were only attached for one reason. 

So with that, she took every chance she had to meet the girl she was supposed to be in bed with with no strings attached. 

It was fine. She was sure that it was fine that she was in love because whenever she looked at Y/n she was sure the girl was in love too. Minji could see her reflection always glimmer in Y/n’s eyes. The girl was just scared and Minji would wait until she no longer would be, but time was running out and she knew that she couldn’t wait any longer and had to say the truth to Y/n. 

She knew where she had gone wrong.

It was the usual place as they sat at the diner to eat before they headed back to Minji’s apartment that she shared with her flatmate. Her place was closer. Or maybe Y/n just didn’t want to take Minji home. Either was fine as long as she spent the night with her. 

They would sit and talk about everything and nothing, things that weren’t supposed to hold meaning to them because their relationship held no meaning to it. Yet Minji found meaning in the nothingness that was everything to her because she cared about Y/n’s day. She cared about what the girl had planned even if she wasn’t part of it. She cared about these things and always listened attentively even if Y/n maybe didn’t do the same or find the same meaning in meaningless conversations between them. 

Y/n would always eat pancakes, those fluffy ones with fruit and it seemed like a perfect meal despite it not being breakfast. It was perfect because Minji liked the way Y/n enjoyed them or maybe she would only enjoy them since she would be picky with her food. Minji would take whatever, too busy with listening to the vixen so by the time they would order she’d take the first thing she would lay her eyes on in the menu. 

Tonight she had tried a few times already, to start that conversation that was forbidden. A twitch in her eye every time Y/n managed to turn the conversation around so smoothly. A twitch of adoration at how amazing the girl in front of her was. Unable to get frustrated by it because she got lost in Y/n’s words before she could utter the one she wanted to say.

Each time Minji had insisted on paying and each time Y/n caved in at the end. Two broke students didn’t make one rich, but Minji didn’t mind spending a little more on these days. She’d pay and then they would leave the diner and make the walk through the busy city. Everyone would always be so caught up with themselves, but Minji was too caught up with the girl walking beside her. 

She liked that Y/n let her hold her hand, maybe interlock their fingers at times.

She didn’t like that the girl would always be underdressed by not wearing a jacket because a hoodie was supposed to suffice in windy weather. 

After the first few times, MInji had come up with a solution. 

The older girl made sure to put on a t-shirt, a thick hoodie, and her current jacket which was a simple and slightly oversized dark jean jacket. 

“You will get sick,” Y/n would try to argue when she offered her the jacket that she truly only brought for the girl since she had such thick layers on that she wasn’t even slightly prone to being cold. It was part of the routine now.

“I won’t, here.” She’d put it on her and Y/n would giggle.

“I swear, you’re doing it on purpose.” The vixen would point out while Minji would adjust her cap to try and hide the obviousness of her words that were true. She would try to shrug it off and tease Y/n right back.

“You’re not dressing warm enough purposely so you can borrow my jacket.” 

She would look at how Y/n’s eyes would crinkle when she smiled that bashful smile, wordlessly admitting that she did do it on purpose. It warmed Minji and her warm hand would hold onto Y/n’s colder one, making sure to warm it for her, at times going as far as borrowing the pockets of her hoodie or zip-up. The tips of Y/n’s ears were always rosy with the tip of her nose and cheeks. Unless it wasn’t as cold. She would always make sure to warm her.

The vixen was the same height as her, but her figure was more petite and the jacket would fit her differently than Minji. It would be bigger on her, but she liked the way Y/n looked in her clothes. The younger still had one or two of Minji’s hoodies at her place and Minji never asked for them back. It created a sense of importance to know that Y/n maybe wore her clothes at times, that maybe she would think about her too when she would stumble upon Minji’s hoodie in her closet. The thought that Minji wasn’t the only one thinking about Y/n during her days away from her. 

They would make it to the apartment complex, Minji still holding onto Y/n’s hand while leading the way up the stairs. Their routine never really changed. She wasn’t sure if she liked it or simply didn’t mind it. Well, as long as it was with Y/n. There were a few things that maybe were less enjoyable with the routine now that she knew what she felt for the girl. 

“Is your flatmate home?” The girl would ask almost every time.

“Yeah, but it’s fine, Hanni is busy in her room.” Minji’s friend whom she shared the apartment had come to an agreement with her over what it would look like if they brought someone over. Usually, Hanni wouldn’t be at home or she would spend the evening in her room. Y/n and Minji would be in her room too either way, but it was mostly to avoid any awkward run-ins. 

She wasn’t sure if Y/n would want to be introduced to her friends.

They knew her almost as well as Minji did though but Y/n didn’t know them all too well. 

Minji had maybe talked about Y/n to her friends a little too much for someone who she was seeing with no strings attached. They didn’t know that because she was afraid they would understand what had happened. Scared that they would warn her and tell her to let go before she would get hurt. She didn’t need anyone’s pity, she only needed Y/n. 

Love was scary. 

Was one thing she realised. 

The keys would always clatter and unlocking the door took a few seconds longer than when she got home alone. Y/n was a tease, her kisses on MInji’s neck made her forget how to use the keys, she loved them, they were always so soft and consoling whenever she thought of the consequences of finding comfort in Y/n. 

“Minji…” Y/n dragged out, her hands slowly dragged over the soft and warm skin because her hands often found themselves under the older’s clothes. The vixen had always been more audacious than Minji and she liked that about her, it brought something different to her life that sometimes felt plain for a college student. 

She tried to find her words but never did when Y/n grabbed hold of her hand and Minji’s face turned to the girl who was resting her chin on her shoulder. Y/n looked back at her with a teasing smile. “It’s not as hard as it looks, baby.” She was quite sure that these pet names were something Y/n called everyone, but they still made her flutter with more excitement than they maybe should make her feel. It just felt tender when it came from Y/n and she was more than just MInji, she was someone else with Y/n. She was someone who made her forget, she made Y/n feel better.

The vixen’s grey eyes flickered from the keyhole and to Minji, those brown eyes of the older one always holding that empty yet filled with emotions look. Those eyes were always on her whenever she looked at MInji. It didn’t matter if Y/n was looking somewhere else if they were watching a movie, or if they were walking along the sidewalks, whenever she looked up at Minji, the older one was already looking back at her. 

It was still happening, Y/n broke the gaze for reasons Minji could read as if they were written on a paper right in front of her. She never really read people too well, but she never paid much attention to people as she had to Y/n. Y/n had become see-through glass and the girl was quite sure the younger wasn’t too fond of it. 

There were many things Y/n wasn’t fond of. 

Minji had listened to her troubled confessions and learnt that she was a difficult person yet she so easily fell for her. 

They entered the apartment like they always did, it was silent, and the indication of her flatmate being at home was the shoes that stood by the door. However, her presence wasn’t acknowledged because Minji could only acknowledge Y/n by how blinded she was by her. It didn’t matter since Hanni was in her bedroom either way. 

Like always they removed their shoes and found themselves in Minji’s bedroom which was always chilly before it would steam up and be hot. The girl would remove the jacket by then and discard it on the chair by the desk. 

She watched Y/n who threw her phone on the bed. There had been a little break in their routine tonight. Aside from Minji trying to say those words to Y/n, the girl had been busy with her phone on certain occasions when it was suitable. The vixen saw Minji as a distraction so her phone rarely got taken out, but it did tonight and it had left Minji pulling on the sleeves of her hoodie while wondering if she wanted to know or not.

The look–

“Be back in a second?” Minji hummed at Y/n’s words, watching the girl quietly make it out of her bedroom. 

Minji had learned Y/n's routine by now.

Routine.

That’s what she was, a part of Y/n’s routine.

The girl would quickly disappear into the bathroom for what was two to three minutes while Minji would get the movie ready that they never watched more than 15-20 minutes.

She knew why Y/n always wanted to settle on movies they never watched.

Otherwise, they would have to spend that time thinking and talking.

Talking to each other within the safe confines of a bedroom where things just spilled because there were no other eyes or ears. Minji knew Yn didn’t want that.

Silence without a movie to occupy the mind would leave them both thinking.

Minji would most likely be thinking about Y/n.

And Y/n?

She would be dwelling on what she was trying to escape by seeing Minji.

The vixen had spilled everything to her once already after they got drunk and went back to her place. Naked and within the confines Y/n broke down into a vulnerable mess that Minji did her best to hold together.

She broke the routine tonight as Y/n left for the bathroom and Minji’s curiosity got the best of her. 

The girl removed her cap and hoodie and threw them onto the chair where her jacket was. Her feet led her to her bed and she slumped down on it, grabbing the remote that was lying on the white and fresh sheets she had changed today. The room was dimly lit by the bedside lamp she had forgotten to turn off. 

However, she never found herself turning on the TV that was on the wall in front of her bed that stood in the corner of the room by the window. The blinds were down, and the moon and stars were not allowed to shine their lights on them. The faint buzz of the city was always heard, but with time she grew used to it and it worked as white noise, it let her fall asleep easier. 

The girl glanced at Y/n’s phone screen which lit up again.

She knew that she shouldn’t but she did, Minji did so quickly too because she knew that it was wrong. The girl knew she would feel guilty, and she would feel even worse if Y/n had caught her. She did it quickly and managed to see the name and short text which was enough.

In the same way that waves washed over the shore and dragged everything back with them, the same feeling washed over Minji. It was as if the water filled her lungs, it was a warm feeling of distress and forlornness that dragged her to the bottom of a dark ocean after not being able to grab hold of anything to stop herself from drowning in the current that pulled her. The type that made her breathing heavier and her eyes sting with a warmth that didn’t come out because it stayed at bay. The type that left her to think that life was unfair, but at the same time she knew that she had no right to call something that was settled on unfair. 

It made her exhale deeply through her nose to try and push those feelings of doom aside. To push the water out of her lungs. It was as if her life had come to an end and she had no clue she could love this way as she reclined and stared at her ceiling while letting the cold sheets under her turn warm. 

She felt those waters drag her down further, the ones she was supposed to stay away from but never did because Y/n was so hard to stay away from despite all the warnings on her way there. The girl’s waves were too strong to run away from as they grabbed hold of Minji and pulled her right into her, it wasn’t even intentional. Each breath only turned heavier, filling her lungs more and more with that water that was getting coloured red because it cut through her skin the more she thought about it, the more her heart bled. Her body only grew heavier and let her sink further down in the blue. 

Love hurt, didn’t it?

It was her last chance to say what she felt. There was no losing or winning anymore because whatever Y/n would say, if she was going back to her, Minji would lose either way. If she did, she would at least get it off her chest and know that she had told the girl how she felt. 

-

“What’s this?” Minji asked, still slowly catching her breath as her fingers trailed along Y/n’s warm skin. The bed was hot, the steam still present in the air. She had seen the little tattoo right by her collarbone before; she could tell that it was a little Sakura tree branch which was the size of her forefinger which she traced it with. 

Her eyes flickered away from the tattoo and to Y/n whose face looked unsure as it contorted into a frown and then relaxed before she frowned again and looked at Minji. Her eyes glazed from the alcohol after they had decided to drink over dinner and it got a bit out of hand while they had been talking. It was easy to lose track when they were with each other.

“Isn’t it obvious?” A chuckle followed, it wasn’t an amused one, it was one of condescending pain because it had taken over the girl’s life. 

Minji had unfortunately fallen blind to it after drinking and gave her a nod of affirmation because it was obvious.

“Yeah, but does it mean anything?” 

Well, maybe Y/n could have lied about what Minji asked, or maybe she shouldn’t have asked to begin with. Or she could have just brushed it off and said it meant nothing.

“Means Sakura–” Those tears were already welling up in the drunk girl's eyes and she would never let that happen. She would never be vulnerable around someone else aside from one person, but suddenly she got susceptible around Minji too because combined with the alcohol filling her veins it got stupidly and unwillingly easy. “Her name…while she got stars after saying they remind her of me.” 

She pulled her into her comfort right away, but she wasn’t sure if she was as comforting to Y/n as the girl she got a tattoo for was to her. 

Minji could tell Y/n was still hurting and she felt horrible after the girl slowly crumbled beside her. It had slipped her mind because she was so set on wanting Y/n that she forgot that the girl was still trying to escape something in the past. She had forgotten that she used to have someone else who was closer to her than Minji despite Minji being the one there for her now—even if it was to help her forget. 

She forgot that she wasn’t the only one in love.

-

The tables had turned, hadn’t they?

Minji was the one hurting because of love now and not Y/n. 

The difference was that she couldn’t blame anyone for this while Y/n could blame someone for her heartbreak.

Was it a heartbreak if it looked like they had started to text again?

Minji frowned, it was distress and discomfort at how heavy it made her feel.

It’s been six months though.

It had been two minutes.

“No movie?” Y/n questioned and Minji hummed, lifting her head from the duvet, slowly pushing herself up until she was propped up on her elbows. There was no movie and she got to see what happened when nothing was playing to distract her thoughts. She ended up drowning. A stupid movie was a buoy that kept her at bay and didn’t let her sink under the surface to drown in those thoughts. 

The routine wasn’t the usual as she hadn’t managed to do it.

“Well…” She trailed off, the remote still in her hold and she glanced at the black screen of the TV on the wall. 

“It’s whatever.” 

The vixen was like a cat, the bed dipping lightly as she got on it and her agile body made it to Minji who pushed the remote aside. Her hand found its way to grab hold of Y/n’s hoodie who made it into her lap. It usually wasn’t whatever, they always filled the silence, but this time it was whatever. Maybe whatever was for the better at the moment.

Y/n’s lips tugged into a small smile as she gently pushed Minji to lay back down. Her hands grabbed hold of the ones that were on her hips and she intertwined their fingers before pinning them down beside the girl’s head. It always made Minji’s heart pick up in excitement because feeling Y/n’s lips wasn’t simply great, it always made her body tingle, it made her want more, but more than just Y/n’s body. 

The girl leaned down, their eyes holding an electric field between them, zaps that pulled them to each other. Her hair fell down her shoulders, tickling the sides of Minji’s face, her sweet scent engulfed her in a comfort blanket and her breath gently tickled her lips. 

She lifted her head just enough and it pulled Y/n fully into her. Her lips fell against her, it was like falling through clouds, the girl smiling into the kiss because of the eagerness behind each of Minji’s kisses. The way the older never really wanted to pull away. She could only kiss her behind closed doors so there was no reason to pull away when she finally got to kiss Y/n. It made her world crumble in the best ways possible as it went under and flipped her into a utopic world. 

She gave Y/n’s hands a little squeeze, her eyes closed and her head tilting to get deeper, to swallow the drug that Y/n was whole. Her tongue slowly pushed between those plump lips. It always drew out small sighs, somewhere between moans out of Y/n whenever their tongues met. The vixen was hard to resist and made Minji squirm slightly under her at the growing tension. 

Y/n pulled away with a breathless chuckle, escaping Minji who didn’t manage to catch her lips again. Her lips left wet and parted as she stared up at Y/n with panting breaths falling from her lips. 

Their hands got untangled as Y/n leaned over. “Do you take Polaroids in bed?” She asked with a giggle after her eyes fell on the Polaroid camera on top of the bedside table. Minji tilted her head back and watched Y/n reach over for it. 

“No–I was changing the film.” Y/n hummed and bit her lower lip, Minji’s fingers tangled in the loose jeans the girl had on. 

“What’re you doing?” She questioned, about to reach up for the Polaroid that Y/n aimed at her. She giggled, pushing the hands away from the camera and looked up at Minji who lay under her. It left Minji smiling right back, getting lost in Y/n once again and it took her a second too long to realise it–the picture being taken. 

“Hey–I wasn’t ready for that one,” Minji complained, grabbing hold of Y/n’s waist and pushing her over. The girl had no time to get away when the older one quickly grabbed hold of her- The giggles tended to echo in her mind for days after Y/n would leave. It was a laugh that was easy to remember, the type where she could hear it in a room full of people and know that Y/n was somewhere among them. It brought out laughter in Minji who quickly got on top of Y/n and stopped her with her weight. 

“You don’t need to be ready, it still came out good.” Y/n moved the Polaroid away from her once again when she tried to reach for it and took out the picture that was slowly appearing on the film. With the picture in hand, Y/n finally gave up the camera and Minji took it from her. 

She hummed at Y/n’s words, the girl looking at the picture that was slowly coming to life and Minji found herself staring like always. Her eyes were always on Y/n and she steadied the camera to capture what her eyes always captured. She had no pictures of the girl and wanted to see if they would even compare to what she saw in the girl. 

It seemed perfect as Y/n glanced away from the photo that she flipped to Minji with a smile that was caught right by the camera. It was enough to make Y/n whine and try to squirm from beneath the girl on top of her, but to no avail, as she even held the camera away from her.

“Now I do take Polaroids in bed.” She took the picture out and put the camera back. 

“Do I get to keep it?” Y/n asked and tried to reach for the Polaroid of herself again.

“No…” Minji trailed off and looked back down at Y/n who rolled her eyes before they settled right on the older one again. She looked between the photo and Y/n before she put it aside on the bedside table so it wouldn’t get ruined, slipping the photo out of Y/n’s hand too before she leaned down. It did her beauty no justice, it did not capture what Minji could see in Y/n, it didn’t capture what went beyond beauty and was under her skin.

“You see yourself every day, you don’t need it.” She mumbled, Y/n’s hands came up to her shoulders but she guided them down to the bed, pinning both hands above her head. 

Minji tilted her head, taking that silent moment to always admire the girl for a bit. It was easy to get lost in Y/n’s words, her lips, and her body, but she always preferred to get lost in these simple moments. They weren’t supposed to be passionate but she still found them to be just that. She opened her mouth, but Y/n helped her muffle what she was trying to say when she kissed her. 

The vixen closed her eyes, kissing Minji the way she always did, stealing her breath and so much more than just her breath. It wasn’t intentional, she hadn’t been aware at first, but it became obvious, Minji became obvious. On one side it was needy, their tongues starting to almost desperately push against each other, on the other side it was filled with a burning desire that was different for both of them. 

Y/n slipped her hands out from beneath Minji’s gentle hold, her tongue pushing against the slickness of the older’s mouth as she tangled her fingers in her hair. The words were cut short at this point and all that spoke were their bodies. The girl on top slowly moved down and found herself between Y/n’s legs, still kissing her with her hand slowly running under the hoodie that Y/n had on. 

The vixen was quicker as she moved her hands over to the hem of the other’s shirt and tugged it up. They pulled away, Minji removing her shirt before she helped Y/n remove the hoodie she had on as she had pushed herself up. The clothes fell onto the floor with deaf thuds. It quickly steamed up, it always left the chilly room hot as even at these moments Minji had a hard time containing herself. Everything would be tender, but it was a different tenderness in bed. 

Her cock started to grow harder quicker than she could register Y/n’s body, her eyes knew what they saw, but her brain took longer to phantom the beauty of her. The girl’s black lacy bra didn’t leave much to cover and Minji loved her in black.

Y/n fell onto her back again, pulling the girl with her who immediately found her lips again. Their heavy breaths occupied the room, drowning out the city noise as Y/n’s gasps and Minji’s desperate breaths stirred them on. The younger’s colder hands found their way to the older’s back, trailing her fingers along the back that flexed with each movement and she pulled Minji closer to her. 

It elicited a groan from the back of her throat when her cock was slowly starting to strain against her bottoms, Y/n’s covered heat pressing against hers causing friction for the both of them. It was always a moment of desperation as they wanted to wallow in it, but at the same time get right to it, somehow they managed to meet in the middle. 

Minji kissed away from Y/n’s lips, kissing down her jaw, the younger’s chest heaved deeper with each kiss that pleated her skin in gold. Her hand trailed the slim waist, the touch created goosebumps that crawled over Y/n’s whole skin at how sweet it felt, the softness it created and warmed up her skin before it could get cold when she was starting to lose layers of clothes. 

Her palm pressed against the girl's hipbone, holding herself up while her other hand was by Y/n’s head. Her lips kissed the prominent collarbones with Y/n’s nails gently scratching down her neck and scalp as she pulled Minji closer. That tattoo was still there, but it was as if it disappeared in these moments. It felt like it held less meaning to it. She kissed her neck again, the thin skin was always sensitive and each sound it elicited from Y/n only fueled Minji. It made her press her hard cock against Y/n’s heat through their bottoms.

A moan escaped her lips at how she grounded against her, slowly moving her hips, not much at all, but it was enough pressure against her clit. “Fuck, Min…” Minji gently sucked, tugging on the skin but not leaving anything behind except her warmth. Her nose trailed the skin, taking in the scent while her hips continued to move in those slow motions that made Y/n let out light moans in her ears.

“You’re so hot,” she could only mumble, kissing down to the girl’s supple chest as her breasts perfectly fit in her palm. The skin was soft as she kissed the top of Y/n’s breasts. The girl closed her eyes at the feeling that made it all tingle and it travelled right to her clit where Minji’s cock was pressing through their clothes. Her breath tickled Y/n’s skin, kissing down her breast and along her smooth stomach that was heaving in with each breath.

Fingers found their way to the hem of the loose jeans and she started to work on unzipping and unbuttoning them. Her gaze fell up on Y/n for a second whose eyes were closed, fingers tugging at her hair with each kiss that made her squirm for more. 

She managed to undo the bottoms and sat back on her heels, and the vixen lifted her hips, bottom lip trapped between her teeth as Minji slid them off of her long legs that were slim and smooth, shining. All that was left on Y/n’s body was the black lingerie and the younger sat up.

“It’s almost too loud, Minji.” Y/n breathed out as she sat on her knees, the girl had been awfully quiet and stared at her with those eyes, but those eyes spoke too loudly. Y/n preferred words, not those looks she understood too well. 

“You leave me speechless, I guess.” 

“Too cheesy.” Minji chuckled and kissed Y/n who started undoing her bottoms, her fingers pushed back the hair that was getting in the way of Y/n’s face. She pushed it behind the girl’s ear while she felt her skin with her other hand, cupping Y/n’s cheek. Her left hand snuck behind her waist, smiling into the kiss that made her giddy like always, these moments always did. It almost stung from how good they were, it was all too sweet and bitter at the same time. 

It was with some difficulty but she managed to undo the bra once her hand found its way to it. The gesture was enough to make Y/n chuckle against her lips, swallowing Minji's tongue back down as she sucked on it. The bra slid down her shoulders and Y/n let it fall to the side before she went back to the drawers. Her hand grabbed hold of Y/n’s ass, gripping the cheek and squeezing it as most of the material of the lace went up her ass. Just then Y/n tugged down the jeans while one of her breasts got cupped in Minji’s palm, fitting right in it as her breasts weren’t big, but perfectly plump and perky. 

“Sit down.” Y/n at last managed to pull away from her lips, pushing Minji to sit down and it let her remove the drawers off her legs fully. The older girl sat leaning back against her palms. 

Her eyes landed on the boxer briefs where the print of her cock was prominent, outlining every little detail from her leaking tip to the big vein that ran along it. It was a glance at each other and the two were removing the last pieces they had on until they were naked on the bed. 

Y/n found her way into Minji’s lap, her hand grabbed hold of the cock that was throbbing for her touch. Hands grabbed hold of her ass and Minji’s mouth found its way to Y/n’s breasts. The kisses turned wet and sloppy, quietly whimpering against the skin as Y/n stroked her cock, gathering the precum and smearing it down her length all while letting small gasps out by her ear from the attention on her chest. 

She grabbed hold of the back of the Minji’s head, twisting her hand with each stroke up which made the girl groan, squeezing her tip before going back down. It was waking up every nerve in Y/n’s body from the tongue that circled her nipple, sucking on it and tugging, teeth grazing over it while her other breast was kneaded with rough care. It coated her chest in the warm saliva, and her hard nipples were grazed by teeth before Minji tugged on them. The actions pushed whimpers out of Y/n, pushing her chest more into the girl.

Her cunt was throbbing with need, slick slowly starting to ooze down, Y/n’s clit pulsating at the thoughts, at the cock she was stroking in her hand. Minji’s thick length was scalding in her hold.

“Minji.” It left her lips so softly, it made her dick twitch in the younger’s hold. She hummed, loving those blissful sounds that would always leave Y/n. Her eyes looked up at the girl through her lashes, mouth still sucking on her chest with languid moves that always worked the vixen up the best. 

“Condoms.” Y/n breathed out and she removed her hand from Y/n’s ass and blindly reached for the bedside drawer. Eyes closing at the way Y/n worked her length with just her hand, mouth still latched to the supple breast, gently playing with the nipple using her tongue and fingers. Her fingers stumbled upon the metallic wrap and she took it, only then removing her mouth from Y/n’s chest when the vixen in her lap pulled back.

It disappeared from her hold as Y/n took it from her and Minji bit her lower lip, running her hand down between them. A shuddering breath slipped past Y/n’s lips at the two fingers that ran through her wet folds, spreading them and running down to her sopping hole that was greedily clenching and waiting to get stuffed by the girl’s cock. She looked up at Y/n who held onto her shoulders, wrapper still unopened between her fingers while she slowly caressed her slick pussy. 

She gathered the slickness on her fingers, kissing the girl’s clavicles whose hips subtly bucked into her hand. “You’re so pretty, the way you get needy and wet—loving how just my fingers touch you.” It was almost melodic the way she hummed those words against the warm skin of Y/n. What she got in return was a whimper when she dipped her middle finger inside the walls that immediately clasped around her only for Minji to pull out again. Her hand caressed Y/n’s slim waist, fingers feeling her ribs the higher she got before running her hand back down in a feather-like way. It tickled, it made her squirm, wanting more.

“Please, I want you.” Hearing that Y/n wanted her was almost enough to make her burst. She felt how fingers dug into her shoulders when she circled her clit before pressing down on it. It made Y/n’s hips buck into her before the girl huffed when she removed the pressure. 

“What do you want me to do?” She questioned, tongue sticking out and licking over the tattoo and to the juncture of her neck and shoulder. Her teeth dug down into the skin, fingers still working the slick cunt, teasing through her lips, smearing her wetness up to her clit that she would caress before dipping down before it could become too good.

Minji had learned Y/n’s body, she knew it better than her own. She knew that even if the girl wanted her now, she loved when she would shower her with these teasing touches. When she drove her further up to the peak before letting her hit it and fall off. Her two fingers pushed into the hole this time, stretching the tight walls out in scissoring motions so the girl wouldn’t feel any discomfort once she would push her dick inside. 

“Touch me–make me feel good like you always do.” Her words withered the further she pushed inside her, slowly getting knuckle deep in the confines of her warm and snug walls. The vixen felt the stretch of the two fingers that were slowly stretching her out, caressing her g-spot and putting pressure on it that made her buck into her. 

She continued to slowly work inside her, watching how Y/n’s face contorted into pleasure and need. It was good, but it wasn’t enough yet she loved how it drove her crazy and wanting more. The kisses would ease into her skin, the world muffling around her. Moans seeped through at how deeply Minji worked her fingers inside her, making sure to stretch her. The only other sound was the squelching of fingers pushing in and out of her sopping mess. 

“Fuck me, stretch me out with your cock until everything is a blur—I just want you deep inside me, baby.” Minji slowly pulled her fingers back out of Y/n before running them over to her swollen clit again which she had lubed up with the girl’s wetness.

“Put it on, ride me, fuck yourself on me the way you want to be fucked. Love yourself on my cock, Y/n.” Minji encouraged fingers slowly dragging along the swollen and throbbing bud. The words made Y/n whimper and slowly pull back.

-

“I’m sorry, it’s kind of stupid–wait no, I don’t mean that you are stupid or meeting you–”

“No, don’t worry, it’s fine…I get what you mean by stupid because I’ve never agreed to anything like this before.” Minji cut Y/n off, easing whatever tension that would be created if she let her awkward rambling go on. The vixen gave her a bashful smile, giggling. 

“You’re adorable though.” Minji felt a wave of warmth hit her face, ears running red as if someone had been pulling on them. It was close to making her look around the diner to see if anyone else was witnessing the mess she was becoming around the girl she had gone out with for the third time. “I get the thought behind why Yujin would set me up with you.” She nodded at those words as they had one mutual friend, well, more acquaintance to Minji and Y/n’s friend since Minji didn’t know Yujin too well. 

Although, Minji felt like it was dangerous to be around Y/n. She was too good which meant that she would be bad for her heart. She was so good that the words that left her mouth next only meant more trouble for Minji. It would be impossible, wouldn’t it?

“I don’t think I am willing to put anything on the line, but I wouldn’t mind keeping it casual with you.” 

“As in…” Minji trailed off to make sure, her eyes stuck on Y/n as she was mesmerised by the girl. She looked like she would only break Minji’s heart and she would allow her to do it because Y/n was just too good to let pass by without at least getting to hold her hand. 

“No strings attached sex.”

-

She held onto Y/n’s waist, helping the girl who held her length that was wrapped in the condom. Her tip brushed through her folds and to her hole before Y/n slowly lowered herself onto her. The splitting feeling made her gasp and grip onto Minji’s shoulders who left pecks along her neck while slowly helping her ease down on her length. The tightness of Y/n’s walls was suffocating her cock, taking her into the snug and sopping cunt. As she looked down her dick was halfway there, her folds splitting around her dick. 

Her breathing got deeper when her cock finally filled Y/n to the hilt, nails digging into her shoulders. “Fuck—You fill me so good.” Y/n sighed, pulling away slightly and looking down at their conjoined heat as she slowly started to move her hips. Each movement made them release breaths and moans, the younger whimpering at the cock that was caressing her insides, slowly starting to move up and down and letting it drag along her sopping heat. 

“Show me how you want it,” she breathed out, hand coming up and pushing back Y/n’s hair to see the way her face contorted in pain and pleasure. That bittersweet feeling of fucking herself on Mínji while knowing very well what she felt whether Y/n was riding her cock or if they were just sitting in a blank space and not doing anything at all. Yet she would ride her dick like there was no better thing in the world. 

Hands ran down to her ass, gripping it between her fingers and squeezing as she helped with moving up and down along her length. Her pace picked up, the stretch being less painful and turning into a burning desire for more as the whimpers flew out of her mouth. Minji always hit those spots that she hadn’t been able to hit herself unless it was that one other person. The way Minji had learned her body in these three months hurt because it was too good for someone who didn’t deserve their heart broken, but she was willing to get it broken just to be in the same room. 

“You’re so good, you take me so well ‘my cock so well, I love how you squeeze it.” Her grip on Y/n tightened, the girl rolling her hips back and forth, moving up and down, the pace becoming a perfect trance of sweet honey running a trail down to hell for Minji. The words made Y/n’s walls flutter, cunt clasping around the pulsating cock that she was slowly adjusting better to the longer it stayed buried inside her. 

The vixen bit her lower lip, eyes falling onto Minji who yet again was already looking at her with beautiful hearts in her eyes. It made Y/n close hers and tilt her head back while slowly moving deeper and harder. The bed let out pleading creaks as it was getting tired of watching the pain bloom between them. Minji’s lips parted, only able to watch Y/n ride her, her head thrown back, small chest bouncing with each stroke, her ass slapping against her thighs, pussy squelching from how wet she was, covering Minji’s pelvis in the mess. 

“Fuck–I want more.” Y/n half begged through a moan, her hips still gyrating smoothly, crashing against Minji like waves that sent pleasure through them both. Her cock penetrated deep within her snug walls, making her breath hitch each time it hit that significant spot that edged her closer.

“How much do you want it?” Minji clenched her jaw, palm rising and falling against Y/n’s plump ass, the slap echoing sharply. It made the girl whine and slam back down on her cock, almost choking at the way she filled her. The heat grew, hand colliding against her ass again and gripping it roughly with a squeeze all while staring up at the girl whose lips parted and songs of pleasure spilled out of her lips, the notes only for Minji to listen to. 

“So much, I want you to touch me everywhere, play with me, make me come–play with my pussy until it hurts.” Y/n’s moans went up in pitch, being light and whiny, her ass stinging slightly when Minji’s palm collided with her cheek again before she caressed it in her hold. 

Their bodies were warm, a sheet of sweat covering them to show that the passion was burning with forbidden desires, unable to put it out. Minji ran her hand down to Y/n’s clit, finding the sensitive nub, the touch making the walls clasp around her cock tightly .Y/n bucked into her hand while still moving perfectly on her cock, fucking herself on it just how she liked it and Minji admired. 

-

Minji tried to close her eyes and fall asleep. The girl in her arms was still trembling in her hold. The tear stains on her cheeks were cold and wiped away by Minji. Was there anything as fucking away the sadness, the pain and the agony? Was it right for her to tell Y/n to come over when the girl called her crying because she was worried her friends were done listening to her crying over someone who wasn’t there for her anymore? 

Her fingers ran through Y/n’s silky hair, the girl’s breaths were calm and heavy, but she knew that her insides were rumbling as they lay in bed together. Minji’s eyes fell on the girl who was naked under the covers with her, her perfect face buried in her neck and Minji’s skin warm and foggy from the fanning breaths Y/n let out against it.

Was it right? Minji was hurting so Y/nwouldn’t. 

It made her swallow and move in the bed, slowly pulling away the girl she thought was asleep. Y/n didn’t bother letting her know that she couldn’t sleep. She preferred to pretend that she was asleep so she wouldn’t have to acknowledge that she was hurting Minji. 

The older one got out of bed after placing Y/n’s head on one of her pillows, the covers in her bedroom always lingered with her scent. She pulled the duvet over her naked body so she wouldn’t get cold without her by her side.

Minji slipped on her shorts and tee before grabbing a towel on her way out of the bedroom. 

There was an awkward moment when she walked out of the room, her friend coming out of hers at the same time. It wasn’t hard to tell which one didn’t want to talk at all at the moment because no type of solace would change where her heart was and what would happen to it. The walk to the bathroom was watched by a look of pity before she stood under the pouring water that masked her tears. 

It felt right but at the same time wrong. Her eyes would be so tender, but her tears would be so acidic that they stung when they touched Minji’s skin. It left her hurting just as much as Y/n was and she was taking it every time because she couldn’t help but to do so. It frustrated her as she tried to give her comfort to the condescending pain all while knowing that she wasn’t the person Y/n wanted comfort from. No matter how hard she would try, there would always be a gap she wouldn’t be able to fill simply because her name wasn’t significant to Y/n’s tattoo.

She had known from the start that she would let Y/n break her heart and now it was happening. Minji was willingly putting herself through this for Y/n even if her sobs left her swallowing the steaming water. Even if each sob filled her lungs and left her feeling like she was drowning in pity and pain. It was crashing right through her, ripping every part of her to shreds, rotors snatching her and tearing her limbs apart, but it was all fine as long as she managed to flash some light through the cracks in Y/n. It was fine if the water would get coloured with cherry wine as long as Y/n would be happy drinking it. 

-

It was always a moment of build-up until it stopped only to resume again when Minji laid Y/n down. She pulled the duvet over them to keep the heat between them and not let it run away. Her eyes fell on Y/n while she held onto her still-hard cock and guided it back to her entrance, this time pushing in with more ease as the girl’s walls were accommodated to her thickness and length. 

Y/n gasped, her back arching into Minji, her chest pressing against hers with her arms wrapping around her back while Minji clenched the sheets in her fist by the vixen’s head. It always made her veins fill with these forbidden things, chemicals Y/n made cruise through her body and they would bulge, barely containing themselves within her and not exploding. Her cock buried deep inside the girl right away and she leaned down, kissing Y/n as she started to move her hips.

The bed creaked more, the headboard thudding against the wall and it was hard to continue kissing Y/n when the girl always left her breathless, sucking her soul out. It was as if all blood drained from her heart because it squeezed so hard whenever she was with Y/n. Nails ran down her back, always being the only sign of Y/n ever even stopping by her place together with the scent she would leave lingering on her sheets. 

Her hips met Y/n’s who only spread her legs further, balls slapping against her skin as Minji continued to drill into her cunt. Her fingers played with the bundle of nerves that deserved as much attention to bring Y/n to the edge with her tip stroking at her g-spot. Minji’s face fell into the crook of Y/n’s neck to muffle her sounds, biting down on her shoulder and letting out muffled groans and grunts that pushed out from the back of her throat every time she slammed her cock deep inside the girl. 

The girl moaned, heaving under Minji at the way she was pistoning in and out of her, the tension quickly grew. Her hips pushed up into the hand, but barely as the force of each thrust was holding her down and nailing her into the bed. “Fuck, I’m so close, Min–you fuck me so good.” Y/n’s voice was almost a cry as the next moans weren’t ones she could hold back as her orgasm was approaching, making her back arch more and her hands grasped onto the back that flexed with each thrust, pulling the girl on top closer. 

The covers rested by Minji’s hips, barely staying on from the rough trusts. Her cock dragged along Y/n’s tight walls that were sucking her in. Each thrust left her to pant for air to continue fucking her at the pace. Her hips sped up before slowing down, making sure that Y/n felt her everywhere and that she touched her insides the right way which made her bulge with each deep thrust. The headboard banged against her wall following the rhythm together with the squeaks it let out and leaving its marks on the wall.

She sloppily kissed along the vixen’s shoulder and up to her neck before pulling away to look at Y/n. “Show me how good you feel, Y/n, come around my cock.” Minji groaned, it was almost aching from how her skin was colliding with Y/n’s. The lewd sounds of their wet skin slapping echoed around her room which was filled with these emotions that would leave a mess after them. It would be a beautiful murder scene as someone would die by the end of the night unless something would turn around. 

Her hips rolled into Y/n, fucking deep into her, each thrust hard but tender with care to make her feel good and not hurt her. It made Y/n’s thighs quiver as they locked around Minji, her walls tightening and throbbing as she reached the peak, falling right from it at such speed that her eyes rolled back, head thrown back into the pillow. Minji drowned in Y/n, watching how she managed to fuck her to forget everything and only slowing down when the girl was whimpering and panting for air. 

The way Y/n spasmed at the touch made her remove her hand from the girl’s clit. Minji was close to collapsing at how she had been holding back to have Y/n finish. She huffed, hand falling beside Y/n’s head and bunching up the pillow case in her fists. Arms were still wrapped around her back, holding her close as her breathing grew heavier, her dick growing harder with her balls tightening. 

“Fuck–” She groaned out, stuttering into Y/n with her head falling into the crook of the vixen’s neck. Her cum filling the condom as spurt after spurt shot out her tip that was engulfed by Y/n’s pulsating walls. “Fuck,” she breathed out, falling out of breath, losing her thoughts as it just spilled out of her mouth this time without Y/n being able to prevent the worst from happening.

“I love you.” 

She could feel the way Y/n tensed up at the words she knew would come at some point. Her body slumped down against Y/n’s as she pulled out before her dick could go fully limp–quickly getting rid of the condom that landed in the bin by her bed. It removed one weight off of her chest, but put a new one on it, a much heavier one. 

Y/n’s fingers ran through Minji’s hair, caressing her scalp as silence fell upon them while they tried to catch their breath in a room where all the oxygen had been stolen. 

Minji let out a shaky breath at the way the heaviness had eased on her chest but became heavier right after. That fear grew in her, but she knew what it was. She was fine with her heart being broken by Y/n as she took in the scent that was comforting as it layered on the vixen’s skin. The comfort of something that was almost like a home, she had been homesick for so long, and there was Y/n. It made the tears well up in her eyes as she had found the home she had been so homesick for–

“I love you.” She repeated.

“I know Minji, I’m sorry.” The words were so tender, they left through a small rasp, they soothed yet they bruised as her heart fell into a rhythm that held the heaviness of a broken world. The words didn’t fill any cracks in Minji’s heart but only pushed through them and left them bigger, scarring it, leaving it much more difficult to mend than it should be.

–Only for it to not be a home. 

“You won’t leave?” Minji asked, not daring to move as she was scared that she would crumble to pieces if she did and Y/n moved away to leave. 

The vixen could feel Minji’s tears that brushed her skin, which fell along the skin they knew they didn’t belong on. Her eyes stared at the ceiling which became a blur unless she blinked her eyes and cleared them of the hotness that gathered in them. Her fingers scratched Minji’s damp scalp comfortingly despite not being able to be her comfort. 

“No.” Her lips found their way to the top of her head, kissing it gently. Not being able to kiss the pain away. 

“Promise.” Minji rasped. All she could do was hope and wait for Y/n to stop being hurt by the past. To let Minji in. It wasn’t even about being hurt anymore. It wasn’t about Minji. It never had been. The older one knew that. She knew that and still let Y/n hurt her because she let her do it when Y/n never wanted to hurt her in the first place. She knew that she would get hurt if she fell for someone who was already hurting, it was a disease. 

Minji had taken the wrong turn when she decided to get involved with someone who looked like she would break her heart. When she fell for someone who would break her heart. When she fell for someone who still loved her past. When she found a home in a pair of arms that were still holding onto their old home. 

“I promise.” She let out a shuddering breath, closing her eyes and forcing the tears through the cracks that were appearing in her heart. Something hurt, she couldn’t tell what it was anymore, but it was enough to make her realise that she had never truly been in love before until she met someone who would break her heart from the start. It didn’t allow her to be angry with Y/n, she knew that it was solely her fault that she was hurting and not the vixens. 

She snivelled, the tears only falling harder as she tried to hold back on her cries that left her lower lip trembling. Her body rolled over to the side and her arms wrapped around Y/n’s shoulders who snaked her arms around Minji’s waist. Her tears fell onto the top of Y/n’s head, taking in her scent to try and calm down, but it only reminded her of all that she had possibly lost but would wait for her to find back to Minji if it was possible. 

Y/n’s head nestled under her chin, making her close her eyes as she wished that she could provide the home that Y/n wanted but she would never be able to become. 

She never thought that tears could sting so much, that something salty could turn bitter and sour yet carry a sweet undertone because she had been aware of the outcome all along. It was expected yet it hurt so much that it almost felt good to finally go through it and not have to dread it anymore. It wasn’t something she had to be worried about anymore as the pain finally came and she didn’t have to spend every day waiting for it to finally hit her. 

Minji wanted to look at Y/n, to look into her eyes once more, to kiss her, look at her beautiful face and get lost in the girl to ease the pain that was spreading through her body like a burning fire, leaving nothing but burn marks from the damage it created. That burning passion got out of control when Y/n wasn’t able to keep it in her hold. 

She couldn’t though, she was too scared to look at her and see her not even feel the slightest bit of what she felt for her. Scared to not see her eyes slightly glossy. Scared to not see the girl at least slightly hurting because she wants to love her but maybe is just too scared and not because she loves someone else. 

She fell asleep with the promise in her heart, with the thoughts that she could wait for Y/n and she would stay until she would say it right back.

The problem was that she met Y/n too early, and said those words too late despite there not being any space in between to say them. It was wrong from the start and she had been aware of it.

It wasn’t long until she woke up because she always did when her arms felt empty, especially when she knew that Y/n was supposed to be sleeping in the same bed as her. Her bed was empty though when she tried to find the girl and pull her back into her arms. A knot tied around her heart with a brick tied to it as it dropped to the pits of hell while getting torn by everything on its way down.

It was a broken promise as she opened her eyes in the dark room and the only thing that hadn’t left was Y/n’s scent. There wasn’t a fight to put up when her eyes teared up and burned down her cheeks. Her fingers were trembling as she felt weak at the pain, the despair her body was put through, the agony of losing something she never even truly got to have. 

Minji turned on the bedside lamp, a lump in her throat that was her heart, desperately trying to push out her body and escape through her mouth. The beating was heavy, sounding in her ears, muffling everything else as she wiped at her eyes while sniffling. Her blurred vision fell on the two polaroids as the one with Y/n was flipped over and she took it, clenching her trembling jaw as the tears rolled down the side of her face and were soaked up by her pillow that was the only offer of wiping them for her. Y/n wasn’t there to wipe them. Her other hand grabbed the pillow Y/n had been lying on, hugging it and burying her nose in it while she looked at what had been written on the photo. 

I’m sorry

She still saved the picture, it was her only picture of Y/n in the end as she stared at it while slowly crumbling as her body started to shake from how she tried to contain her sobs. The picture of Y/n. 

The girl who left her, Y/n left her for someone she had been longing for, leaving Minji to long for her now. 

She hadn’t been wrong when she was sure that Y/n was in love too every time she looked her in the eye. It was just that she hadn’t been in love with Minji, that love in her eyes had been for someone else all along. It was so strong that it even stayed when she was with someone else, fooling Minji into believing that it could be her. 

Was it because of a simple text that read;

I still love you

What if Minji had told Y/n how she felt sooner?

Would she maybe leave her past behind and consider a future with Minji instead?

It all created more lumps in her throat and more tears ran down her face until a sob finally fell through her lips and she buried her face in the pillow while clutching her only photo of the girl who broke her heart. The girl tried her best to ease the pain that pulsated on her chest, rubbing at it while crying for someone who wouldn't show up.

Because…What if?

[elisaenglish]

The wonder is of torture, that one should be devoted to this dream of light denied...