#lee!happy fella doll

[eunchancorner]

Hi! I have a suggestion when you have time/if you want to do it.

So you posted a few asks from crossover-enthusiast about Dexter (in doll form) getting wrecked to pieces by the spooky kids. Would you consider doing a fic about that?

Feel free to ignore this if it's not your thing.

Couldn’t resist, take it, Tumblr!

Lers Skid and Pump, Lee Dexter (Happy Fella doll)

Warning: cussing

Word count: 1093

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If Dexter had to note one thing about the kids he was stuck with, it’d be that they seemed to be obsessed with tickles.

Nearly every day that he was stuck in the house with them, they’d tickle him half to death, every time making him scared he’d blow his cover. Somehow, the kids never seemed to realize that a doll that not only laughed when being tickled, but also protested, curled up or even tried to push them away, wasn’t a normal doll. But luckily, the kids seemed to be far too dense to realize that.

But, weirdly enough, being subjected to near-daily tickles seemed to make his needs less… intense. Like it was distracting his mind, or like his need for blood was being partially satiated by the playful activity. Which, in a way, made it nice.

And also way easier to say that was why he enjoyed it, and totally not because he enjoyed getting any form of affection.

Tonight, however, he hadn’t been subjected to tickles once. Normally he wouldn’t be worried, except for the fact that he’d overheard Skid and Lila mentioning that Pump would be staying over for the night. Which meant Skid must’ve just been waiting to team up with his best friend to tickle him.

“Pump!” He heard the hyper ravenette call to his friend as he sat on Skid’s bed, pretending to be just an ordinary doll like normal.

“Skid! Hiii!”

“Let’s go play with our happy fella!”

Oh no.

“Have fun, you two,” he heard Lila call to the two bois as they excitedly ran up the stairs, “Dinner will be ready soon, so don’t start a game that’ll last too long, ok?”

“Ok, Mom!” the little ravenette called as he and his friend reached his room.

“What game should we play with the happy fella?” the brunette asked as the two hopped onto the bed.

“Hmmm, I don’t know. We could color, or read him a story, or have a little party!”

“A party for what?”

“Uhm… I dunno, it was an idea.”

“Hmmm… Oh, I know what we can do!”

The fluffball leaned over to whisper in his friend’s ear, but it didn’t take hearing him for Dexter to know what he was suggesting, especially if the way Skid’s eyes lit up was any indication.

“Oooo, good idea!” the ravenette said happily as he grabbed the ‘doll’s’ arm, pulling him close.

“Yeah! Let’s tickle our favorite fella!” Pump practically chirped, confirming his fears.

Of course, Dexter had to drop the doll facade, not that it fazed the two boys, they seemed to accept this as normal.

“Hey hey, no kids, c’mon, you don’t wanna tickle me! Don’t you wanna play some other game?” he tried to reason with the two.

“Uh, but why would we do that?” Pump asked.

“Yeah, other games don’t make you laugh, and we like your laugh, right Pump?” Skid argued.

“Yeah, yeah we do!”

That threw Dexter for a loop.

They like my laugh? Like, my laugh, and not just tickling me? He’d never heard that before, and now he’d just been told so by a couple of random kids. Hell, he didn’t even like his own laugh.

“I… uhm… really?” he didn’t know what else to say. What do you say when two kids tell you they like to tickle you for your laugh? Thanks? He found it way too hard to believe.

“Yeah, of course! Your laugh makes you our happy fella!” Skid hugged Dex close to his chest.

“Plus it’s full of snorts!” Pump added, “It’s really cool!”

“Waitttt, are you trying to distract us?” the little ravenette suddenly accused the doll.

“Wait, no I- I just asked a question, you distracted yourselves!” he reminded them, but they seemed to be having none of it.

“I think he was trying to distract us!” Pump piped up.

“That’s it, no more Mister Nice Skid!”

Dexter let out the most embarrassing, high-pitched squeal followed by a snort when he attempted to protest, the result of Skid squeezing his sides, which a single hand could completely encompass thanks to the former’s now tiny size and lack of bones or internal anatomy. What made it ten times worse, however, was that instead of ever hurting when squeezed too hard, it just tickled more.

This was quickly worsened when Pump decided to attack his belly as well, Dex’s tiny legs attempting to curl up and stop him, but thanks to the doll’s design, it was just as fruitless as ever.

“NAHAHOHOHO! YOUHU snort LIHIHITTLE SHIHIHITS!”

“Hey! Don’t call us mean names!” Skid scolded him.

“And don’t say curse words, you’ll get us in trouble!” Pump added.

“OHOHO FUHU- NOHO NOHO- snort -HOT THEHEHEHERE!!” he tried to defy them, his efforts quickly cut short by Skid digging into his underarms. He couldn’t even tell which spot was worse anymore, they all tickled like hell.

“Hey, Skid, do you think that dolls can feel raspberries?” the brunette suddenly asked his friend, catching the attention of said ‘doll’ between them.

“Hmmm, I dunno. Test it!”

“NOHOHO! WEHE snort CAHAHAN! DOHON’T TEHE- snort -HEST IHIHIHIT!!” Dexter tried to interject, but they didn’t seem to listen, Pump going ahead with his ‘test’.

That test, of course, being blowing the biggest raspberry he could manage on the tiniest’s belly, eliciting some near-silent laughter from him.

However, just after, the tickles stopped completely, and before he knew it he was cozily between two other plushies, giggling his stuffing-filled heart out. He was lucky he didn’t have lungs or tear ducts anymore, meaning no tears to have to wipe away or air to try to replace with deep breaths. He just snuggled up to his inanimate roommates and focused on trying to stop the embarrassing giggles and snorts flowing from his mouth.

“Full of snorts, just like I said!” Pump commented on his laughter with a little grin.

“Yeah! Good job, taking all those tickles, Happy fella!” Skid cheered.

“Shuhuhush… snort” Dexter complained, shoving his face into the side of a red bunny plush as though he was trying to hide his smile.

Skid opened his mouth to make another comment before they all heard Lila call for dinner.

“Yayy, dinner!” the kids chorused as they hopped off the little ravenette’s bed, giggling enthusiastically. Dex peeked over and watched them run out, his giggles finally calming down. He practically melted into the plushies and felt himself falling asleep, something he was only made aware he could do after a tickling like this.

Yep, just another day.

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Hey y’all it’s National Tk Day so I’m gonna try to finish my second fic too :>

[epicrainbowsheep]

It's all in the hip position

Not really following the Stranger Things timeline, been a very long time since I’ve written fanfic, especially smut, the inspiration for this comes from years of reading fan fiction with the guys always having massive cocks, we need a variety people and I'm here to deliver! This is modelled after my partner, so I know what I'm writing about from experience but that is hard to put into words.

Warning this is smut

Enjoy average-sized dick Billy

Billy Hargrove x Female Reader

The bell rang for lunch as the cafeteria of Hawkins High filled with teenagers, different conversations were happening all at once, about what they got up to over the weekend and whose party were you at; but one in particular managed to prick the ears of Billy Hargrove the most, coming from the table of girls behind him.

“Oh come on the guy had a massive dick right?!” Leah responded slamming her hands on the table in front of you, “Well yeah but he didn’t even know how to use it! Like seriously the sex was so awkward and really bumpy” rolling your eyes as you ate your lunch. “Really? Guys with massive dicks are normally meant to be amazing at sex, like bigger stretch and hits the G-spot easier” Bianca said adding to Leah’s comment, “I don’t know maybe but I can say Mathew has every right to say he’s got a big dick but I’m doubting bigger is always better” you sighed.

A hearty male laugh came from behind you, the tone already indicating who it was. “Having fun laughing at me Billy” you said turning around with a very not amused face. “Sorry couldn’t hold it in (Y/N), I could have saved you the bad lay last Saturday, thought you guys were just sucking face at Tommy’s party” Billy wiped tears from the corners of his eyes “But definitely did make my day better”.

His words made you more confused, your other friends pretending to talk as you turned your full attention to him “What do you mean you could have ‘saved me’?” wanting to know what he’d say you leaned in closer, as he did the same he said in a low voice “Last girl I slept with said that I was the best sex she’s ever had, that was Mathew’s ex, said he was a lousy lay” he winked and sat back up, making you feel the red in your face.

“Seriously? She always used to boast about how good he was!” You were baffled, he chuckled “Of course doll, they were dating then” he moved over to sit next to you stealing some of your food as his leg touched yours, “Wait Betty said that! You’ve gotta be lying” Leah enquired to Billy, who helped himself you your food again. 

“Swear on my reputation sweetheart” he leaned in making sure to look her directly in the eyes “And I can say if you keep after that Munson fella* you won’t be disappointed”, she looked shocked “How did you-“ Bianca’s laugh cuts her off, as you continued “Anyone can tell from a mile away Lee trust me” smiling at her she turned red, looking away from everyone at the table, the bell began to ring as you all got up and went your own ways. 

“From what I hear you’re pretty average in size, what makes you better anyways?” you teased as your friends walked in the opposite direction, your words made him smirk as you both walked towards the door he stops, leaning in to whisper in your ear “It isn’t the size darling, it’s all in the hip positions, more than happy to show you” He blew cool air down your neck, making you shiver and breathless, not knowing what to respond with, Billy just laughed again and walked away.

‘Bloody hell he’s smooth’ you thought, as you finally managed to walk away.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

School flies by and it’s the weekend in no time, you’ve been having trouble all week trying to get Billy and his words out of your head. “He can’t be as good as he’s saying right?” you say to no one as you get ready for a party at Tina’s. The blasting of a horn from outside snaps you back into reality, managing to fix up the last of your make-up, making sure to lock the house on the way. Steve’s waved from the car and opened the door from the inside, you slid in and closed the door. “So ready to graduate,” Steve said as he began to drive, “Couldn’t agree more dude! Hawkins is a shit hole” you responded “Robin meeting us there?” “Yeah said she had her own ride or something”.

Rest of the ride was filled with the radio and talk with Steve until you arrived, “You need a lift back or fending for yourself, cause I’m bailing if I see Nancy making out with Johnathan” he said as you both entered the house “Fair dude and I should be right, there is always someone to catch a ride with, make sure to forget about her dude she’s 100% moved on” you gave him a sad smile “Want a drink?” you said while walking towards the kitchen, “Nah I’ll try and find Robin first, catch up with you after though” “Okay sounds good!” giving the thumbs up you walked away.

The next few hours became a blur of shots and beer bong, definitely feeling the buzz now, hearing the cheers from outside, around the keg stand people were cheering and shouting as Billy managed to beat his own time, his eyes managed to catch yours, smirking he stalked towards you and leaned on the wall next to you. 

“Managed to catch all that doll?” leaning in even closer to your face, “Definitely impressive buuutt” you leaned into his ear, the alcohol giving you a confidence boost, “I think you have something else your wayyyy better at that you need to ‘show’ me still” adding the air quotes with your smirk, Billy even cockier now than before, grabbed your waist and pulled you to his chest and smashed his lips to yours. His lips felt slightly chapped and warm, with his intense cologne flying up your nostrils.

“How ‘bout we get out of here doll” he growled and pulled you by the hand, leading you out of the house. “Let’s head to my place, my parents aren’t home” you said as you both shut the doors of his Camaro.

“Just show me the way babe” he said as he sped off down the road.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

 You both stumbled into your room, hands were roaming over each other’s bodies. His hands grab your waist and throw you onto the bed, the suddenness leaves you stunned for a second before he’s crawling towards you with the look of lust in his eyes. “Baby I’ve had my eye on you for a while” one of his arms supports his weight near your head, while his other hand trails up your thigh, going underneath your shirt to grab your clothed breast. He kisses you as you moan at his actions.

He kisses down your neck, grabs the bottom of your shirt and you help him pull it over your head, before resuming the kissing, it turns intense as he slots his clothed crotch against you. Teeth and tongue get smashed into each other as you both sloppily make out, your hands let go of his white shirt and scratch down his back as he moved against you, both in a sea of bliss as each last item of clothing is removed.

You both pull away looking at each other, your body glowed under the moonlight coming from the window, Billy couldn’t stop staring at how the curves of your body complemented each other as he slid his hands from your thighs, squeezing the thickness along the way to your stomach, his mouth kissed all the way up, starting from just under your belly button, all the way up between the valley of your breasts.

His right hand makes its way between your folds, your wetness making sounds as he slides his fingers against you, slightly touching your clit “Fuck babe your nice and wet” you moan out for him as his fingers slide into you, slowly pumping in and out. Your hands grab his jaw and bring his lips to yours, his fingers start to pick up the pace as he hears your moans pick up, “Billy I’m so close! Please don’t stop!” his hands

His head hovers above you, he hazily looks into your eyes, realising your eyes were stuck in one position. “Babe what are you-“ his eyes  move down to what your staring at, he huffs. “(Y/N) get out what your thinking now before we get any further” “Is it average?” the look on her face is completely genuine.

Silence follows before Billy laughs hard, “Fuck (Y/N) seriously I’ve got tears in my eyes” he kneels up resting against his legs he grabs his cock, sliding a condom along his length, spreading his knees wide, leaning back his other hand sliding against his thigh, your ogling at him, your eyes follow the shadows against his body that the moonlight creates, to his smug look, then to his hard, throbbing cock.

“Baby you’re looking at the most average cock, size is 5.6 inches if you must know” He slowly starts crawling up towards to again, caging you in, lowers his mouth to your ear and huskily says “Will be the thing that makes you cum the hardest” he slides his cock into you, your walls stretching around his cock.

Both of you moan when he is fully inside you, he looks into your eyes silently asking if you’re ready, you nod and he starts slowly thrusting into you. He slowly picks up the pace, grabbing your legs and putting them over your shoulders and angles his hips down, reaching places you’ve never felt were possible. 

“Fuck Billyyy!” you moaned out, your head tilting backwards as he pounds into you. “Baby your pussy is squeezing me so tightly” he groans in response to your consistent moans, you’ve never heard a man so vocal in bed, he keeps chanting out your name.

“Doll you’re such a good girl taking my dick so well” he straightens his back and manhandles your legs so your feet are up by his head, the new angle allowing him to roll his hips in a new way that made you cum instantly “BILLY! You’re fucking me so good” you feel drool sliding out your mouth as you feel another orgasm coming on.

His hips piston into you as he chases after his own release, “Baby I feel another one in you, I’m so close” he groans out as he slams his hips deep into you for the final time as you scream out his name in pure bliss. 

He rests your legs down on the bed and flops beside you, he’s a sight to behold, chest gleaming from the sweat, the light bouncing off his body, used condom still on his half-hardened dick, you’ve never seen a more beautiful sight. He smirks at you, pulling you into his chest by your waist, “You checking me out (Y/N)?” looking up into his eyes, they sparkle with mischief.

“So what of it?” you say back as you snuggle into his warm body, he chuckles to himself. You both lay there in silence, enjoying the afterglow of sex. You break the silence “Don’t get an ego but your right” he looks at you his faced first puzzled then the realisation hits him, the sex made him momentarily forget, pulling a shit-eating grin onto his face.

“Told you size doesn’t matter” his head hits the pillow again and he closes his eyes, “What’s your secret anyways, that was the best sex I’ve had in a while”

“You really wanna know?”

“Yeah”

“It’s all in the hip positions sweetheart”

[i-just-wanna-write-fanfic]

FanFic Rulz

FANFIC REQUESTING : CL0SED

So, you just found this blog and you wanna request for me to write somethin, eh? well,of course, you'd need to now the rules first, right? of course you would! so, here they are!

PLEASE READ BEFORE REQUESTING FANFIC!

THANKS!

ONTO LE RULZ!!

WILL DO (FANDOMS):

JOHN DOE (VN)

TOTAL DRAMA

INSIDE JOB

TMNT (2012)

SPOOKY MONTH

SOUTH PARK

PPB (PICTURE PERFECT BOYFRIEND)

WELCOME HOME (WEB)

YFM (YOUR FAVRIOTE MARTIAN)

SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE

DR. SUESS'S THE LORAX (2012 FILM)

COOKIE RUN: KINGDOM

FIONA AND CAKE / ADVENTURE TIME

WILL DO (CHARACTERS):

JOHN DOE (VN):

JOHN DOE(who else is there??)

TOTAL DRAMA:

MOST IF NOT ALL CHARACTERS FROM THE FIRST FEW SEASONS AND IN ALL STARS

INSIDE JOB:

THE ENTIRETY OF "THE GANG"

RAD RIDDLY (vine boom here)

ELIOT MOTH MAN (bbg lul)

TAMIKO RIDLEY

TMNT(2012):

LEO

RALPH

DON

MIKE

SPOOKYMONTH(YT):

SKID(ONLY PLATONIC STUFF, UNLESS ITS SKIDXPUMP, BUT NOTHING NSFW OR WEIRD WITH THE BABIES PLS)

PUMP(SAME AS SKID LUL)

LILA

JUANE

KEVIN

HAPPY FELLA (SHOW VER)

SAD GUY

DEXTER

DEXTER DOLL

THE THIEVES

BOB VELSEB

STREBER

THE HATZGANG (ROMANTIC AND SHIPPING IS OK, JUST NO PEDO STUFF)

SOUTH PARK

ERIC CARTMAN

KYLE

STAN

KENNY

BUTTERS

TWEEK

TOLKIEN

CRAIG

CLYDE

WENDY

MIKE/VAMPIR

DAMIEN THORN

PIP/PHILLIP PIRRIP

CHRISTOPHE (THE MOLE)

ESTELLA HAVISHAM

POCKET

PPB(PICTURE PERFECT BOYFRIEND):

ASHTON FELL

KADSEY KADSINGTON

VINCENT VON EISLIED

"JOHN DOE"/MAX

ASHTON FELL/ASHINO

WELCOME HOME (WEB):

WALLY DARLING

SALLY STARLIGHT

JULIE JOYFUL

FRANK FRANKLY

EDDIE DEAR

HOWDY PILLAR

BARNABY B. BEAGLE

YFM (YOUR FAVRIOTE MARTIAN):

PUFF PUFF

AXEL

DEEJAY

BENATAR

SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE

MARIO M.

LUIGI M.

PEACH T.

BOWSER K.

DR. SUESS'S THE LORAX (2012 FILM)

THE ONCELER

(i added the lorax just for Oncie lmao)

COOKIE RUN: KINGDOM

ALL OF THEM. (i cannot list them here, there are at least 107 cookies I will write for, as I do not write for FUCKING GINGRR BREAVE RAGH)

FIONNA AND CAKE / ADVENTURE TIME

FIONNA

FINN (The adult Ver from Fiona and Cake, canonically in his 20's)

FARMBOY FINN

SIMON PETRIKOV

ICE KING

WINTER KING

GARY PRINCE

MARSHALL LEE

BUBBLEGUM PRINCESS

MARCELINE

PRISMO

WON'T DO:

NSFW/SMUT OF ANY KIND, SO NO LEMONS OR LIMES, MAKE-OUT IS OK, AND HIGHLY ROMANTIC IS GOOD TOO, JUST NO SESMGEY STUFFS, OK? OK.

PEDO SHIT. ALL PEDOS GET OUT AND LEAVE MY BLOG.

ZOO SHIT. GET THE FUCK OUT.

I JUST CANT DO ANY EXTREME GORE, SORRY.

GINGER BRAVE FROM CR: K. I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU REQUEST HIM.

WILL DO:

FLUFF

ROMANCE

ANGST (EVEN THO IM KINDA ASS AT IT)

YANDERE STUFFS

STALKING

LIGHT GORE

AND OTHER SHIT IG- JUST NO SMUT AND WHATEVER ISN'T IN THE WON'T DO LIST IS FINE.

OH AND THERE WILL BE CUSSING IF YOU COULDN'T TELL.

feel free to request!

[crossover-enthusiast]

ramble warning but I have another idea about the au. For Context: the catalyst for the plot of Detentionaire is when Lee Ping gets framed for big prank that happened to the school class while he was in bathroom.

So maybe the Spooky month version of that happens when the whole town is at some big Halloween event, only for the lights to go off and on while getting bombarded with: buckets of holly water tainted with moloch puke, possessed(?) happy fella dolls, sudden food poisoning cus the food had old human organs in them, weird music that has the hypnotic powers of Eyes of the universe but in audio form by Mr & Mrs Wonder which is actually a remix of friendly nightmares and at least 2 other things from ep 1 & 3 that I can't think of rn.

The biggest Trick to end all Halloween Tricks (i think the patsy would still be lee, maybe his parents moved to the spooky month town)

Ooooo! Interesting

Maybe one of them has the Piper's flute for the music?

[top-tier-tickles]

May I requests headcanons for spooky month characters?

Yes you may 😌

Skid:

Little shit #1

Most ticklish spot is the ribs obviously

Gets tickled by literally everyone

But also frequently tickles literally everyone

Pump:

Little shit #2

A little bit more ticklish than Skid

Worst spot is his neck

He and Skid have tickle fights ALL THE TIME

Lila:

More of a ler

Tickles Skid to wind his energy down

Sometimes has to be tickled out of bed

Her and Jaune tickling each other is not uncommon

Jaune:

Tickles Ross for his laid back emo bullshit

Plays Tickle Monster whenever the kids come over

Dexter/Happy Fella:

Wasn't very ticklish as a human

Prefers to be a ler

As a doll, it's a different story

Is crazy ticklish as Happy Fella

Being the size of a toddler will do that to you

Kevin:

Lee

Usually tickled by Streber

Or whatever haunted bullshit Skid and Pump bring

Worst spot is the ribs and underarms

Gets really nervous when being tickled

Isn't afraid to fight back though

Streber:

LEE

Somehow a bigger lee than his boyfriend

Uses the vampire teeth to nibble people

Take away the teeth and he's basically powerless

Frequently initiates tickle fights

Roy:

Has only been tickled by Ross and Robert

Super fucking ticklish everywhere

He doesn't like being touched without warning, so he appreciates if you ask first

Was the king of tickle fights until the others ganged up on him

Little asshole will always try to tickle to others to get his way

Ross:

Emo

The most serious out of the hatzgang

But just because he's serious doesn't mean he's above tickling

Mostly tickles Roy for his bullshit

Most ticklish around his knees

Robert:

The least ticklish of the hatzgang

After dethroning Roy, he is now the king of tickle fights

The only way to beat him is to gang up on him

Will purposefully lose to his little sister

John:

Lee

I'm a sucker for bastard lees

He only let's Jack tickle him

Enables Jack and all his chaos when it comes to tickling

Will sometimes join Jack in tickling someone

Mostly gets tickled to cheer him up

Worst spot is the armpits

Jack:

Ler

His usual method is tickle interrogations

Pretty ticklish himself

Loves tickling John

Bob Velseb:

Biiiiig switch energy with this one

His voice hhhnnnnng

Worst spot is the belly

Absolute tickle monster

CANNOT take what he dishes out tho

Nibbles and raspberries are his main thing

[slothspaghettiwrites]

Do you think Lee could ever be poly? Like in relationship with a man and woman at the same time? I know it'd be pretty taboo back then, but they could pull it off as a married couple living with his friend I suppose

🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤

I AM THIRSTY FOR THIS OH MY GOD (okay, I'm making this is Lee Sandwich cause my tiny brain finds that to be the ideal poly relationship for the Lees? Idk. This is soft and adorable and to better answer your question, I think Lee could be in a poly relationship, but it needs to proper threeway where all three of ya want all of ya.)

Making a Lee Sandwich

You and Lee are happily, adorable, kinkily married. Livin' ya best lives in Brewer Heights.

One day Lee gets a call from an old friend, some guy called Lucas, who is gonna be in town for a while. Has had a shit break up and needed to get away from it all.

You immediately tell Lee that this Lucas can stay in your guest bedroom because "that's what good friends do. Don't be such a grumpy ass."

This leather jacket wearing hippie fella shoes up two days later and tries to hug your lights out. Lee pries his hands off you, but you kinda like how openly affection the guy is.

Lee and Lucas have a few beers and you make dinner. The evening goes smoothly and while your doing dishes you hear the hushed whispers and tired laughs of old friends. It makes you happy to see your husband happy.

That night when Lee fucking rails you into the mattress, he's more demanding, grabbing you hard enough to bruise and urging you to scream his name despite your house guest.

Just as your about to cum he sticks his thumb in your ass and all your thoughts are suddenly filled with a desire to have two bodies on you, two cock splitting you half. You cum harder than you ever had. Everything fades away when you finally cum.

Holy shit, honey. Never seen ya that deep before.

You don't tell Lee right away what gets ya there.

Lucas Lee is a complete ass it turns out, but it's nothing you can't handle. Quickly just dishing back whatever he serves you and Lee can't stop fucking laughing whenever you make the other man speechless.

It's on a Friday, when he's been there for almost week, when the three of you are having drinks around the kitchen table late at night that things get interesting.

C'mon, doll, what's Lee got that made ya wanna marry him?

You tell him it's the gun and big dick that make it worth it.

And when the laughter dies down, you get a little misty eyed, and just say that Lee really gets you. He's understanding of your needs and you his. You're a team.

Well at least it sounds he can last longer than he used too. Used to cum the moment I put his dick in my mouth when we where foolin' around.

Lee visible flinches and Lucas won't look you in the eye after the words slip out.

You just snort and say you've trained him well.

The night wraps up pretty quickly after that with both men downing their beers and rushing off to bed, leaving you to finish your own drink and clean up. Giving you some time to think really.

Lee is pretending to be asleep when you enter your bedroom.

You slide into bed naked and wrap your arms around him, pushing your front into his back and squeezing his soft belly slightly.

You tell him then what got ya so deep the other night. Tell him exactly what you were thinking about. And tell him if you couldn't have two of him, you'd want it to be Lucas.

If you were going to trust anyone to treat you the way you deserved, it would be someone Lee trusted with his life.

Your husband makes slow, sweet love to you that night with a tear in his eyes.

God, fuck, you're so fucking amazin', love you, love you baby, you ain't ever leavin' me, ya hear? You're my best girl, no matter what. Love you love you love you...

So on Saturday morning you shove Lee and Lucas out the door first thing, and tell them to get breakfast in town and have a chat.

They don't come back until dinner time. Like animals.

When the front door closes with a slam, you hear a familiar moan and a new whimper.

Or maybe the whimper was you, hearing your husband riling up the other man in ways you were all too familiar with.

You make a very loud clatter in the kitchen and tell them both to stop necking in the doorway like teenagers.

Both of them are flushed when they find laying out dinner.

Lee swoops in kisses you real fierce and passionate, like he hasn't seen ya days.

Lucas just smirks, lips still a bit bruised and wet.

"C'mon I expect kisses from both my men when they get home."

And kissing Lucas, tasting those damn candies your husband is always hiding from you on his mouth, makes you giddy and unbelievably happy.

[olehistorian]

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-interview-imelda-staunton-is-tight-lipped-on-playing-the-crowns-future-queen-pkzpb76b2

Have you watched Vera Drake lately? Obviously, you have to be in a certain Saturday-night mood to turn off The Masked Singer and choose to put on Mike Leigh’s tale of a big-hearted backstreet abortionist in the East End in 1950. But it’s worth another visit. It’s one of the great British films and turbo-boosted the careers of many a character actor. Leading the ensemble cast in the title role — in an Oscar-nominated, Bafta-winning performance — was Imelda Staunton, who would become queen of them all. And possibly even the Queen. We’ll come to that.

“Just the best, best, best job of my life,” is how Staunton reflects on Vera Drake now. “Yeah, it was very hard to continue after that.”

After Vera Drake, Staunton had the little-old-lady role pretty much sewn up. The “little” is unavoidable. She’s 5ft nothing. In the hotel sideroom in which we meet, she fidgets on the edge of an armchair, sipping a juice a similar shade of green to her blouse and trench coat, which she keeps on throughout the interview. The “old” is perhaps more unfair: she was in her forties when she played Drake. We meet the day before her 64th birthday. “I think a lot of women now don’t think about their age because it’s changed for women, hasn’t it?”

She did “harrowing” again last year in ITV’s true-crime A Confession, playing the mother of Sian O’Callaghan, the 22-year-old from Swindon who was murdered in 2011. But otherwise, of late, she’s been — in the nicest way possible — British cinema’s arch biddy: in the gay-rights drama Pride; in Nanny McPhee; in the Downton Abbey movie alongside her husband, Jim Carter, who plays the long-suffering butler Carson; and as Professor Dolores Umbridge in the Harry Potter films. It all comes back to Mike Leigh. “I wouldn’t have got Harry Potter if my profile hadn’t been upped with Vera Drake,” she says. “They might have wanted me, but I wasn’t, you know, hot enough.”

At the end of last year, it was reported that the ultimate little-old-lady part was coming Staunton’s way: succeeding Olivia Colman as the Queen in series five and six of The Crown. Netflix played it down as “speculation”. But at a charity event at the Ivy before Christmas, Grant Tucker, the Sunday Times entertainment correspondent, asked Staunton’s husband, Carter, what it was like being married to royalty. “Thankfully I don’t have to start bowing to her for another two years,” he replied, “so I have plenty of time to practise.” So it’s true? Staunton’s reply is immediate, polite and professional: “I can’t discuss anything to do with that.” Which isn’t, you’ll note, a no.

She tells me she woke up at 4am today, thinking about her next big gig — Hello, Dolly! at the Adelphi Theatre. It isn’t on until August. Rehearsals don’t start until June. But “to me, that’s 10 minutes”, she says. “I just know the process is beginning. As Jim said, ‘This is the rest of the year, is it?’ I think about it and think about it. ‘How the hell am I going to do that?’ [Past success] means nothing at all, because it’s the next challenge. The more people say, ‘Ooh, it’s going to be great,’ the more I just get so depressed.”

And what success. In the West End, she’s busted free of the twinsets to become a bona fide, big-lunged musical star — a pocket rocket with a trail of five-star reviews and awards in her wake. Her first Olivier was back in 1991, for Into the Woods. In 2013, she won one for Sweeney Todd, in which she appeared alongside Michael Ball. Stephen Sondheim saw her performance and told her she should take on a revival of Gypsy next. The 2016 Olivier followed for that.

Her dog, Molly, a terrier, appeared on stage with her in the early performances of Gypsy, at the Chichester Festival Theatre. One time, during the West End run, a mouse snuck into her costume. “I did the whole first 20 minutes with a mouse inside the sleeve of my coat, singing the song, carrying on the scene. It’s good what your head can cope with, isn’t it?” It’s not the sort of thing that should happen to a Harry Potter star, surely? “That’s what you want. That’s the reality of the glamour of the thing.”

Staunton grew up in Archway, north London, above her mum’s hairdressing shop. Her dad was a labourer. Her mum, a first-generation Irish immigrant, was a big fan of the Queen. She died just before her daughter received her Oscar nomination for Vera Drake, and before Staunton collected her OBE and later CBE from the palace. “She’d have bloody loved all that,” she says.

She went to a convent school — “a really nice one because we had a lot of lay teachers”. Her report cards read: “Imelda could try harder, but she was very good in the play.” Her elocution teacher, Mrs Stoker, pushed her towards Rada, where contemporaries included Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall and Juliet Stevenson. When she got her first job in London, in 1982, it was in a musical: Guys and Dolls at the National Theatre. Staunton, by now used to lead roles, was only in the chorus. “I was thinking, ‘I just played Electra, what am I doing? Oh God.’” But Ian Charleson, Bob Hoskins, Julie Covington and Julia McKenzie were higher up the bill. “That’s what I was doing there: learning, really, really learning. That was wonderful.”

Also in the cast, seven years her senior, was Jim Carter. They married the following year. In 1986 they appeared together in Dennis Potter’s classic TV musical The Singing Detective. But, until the Downton movie, their working lives seldom intersected. “We don’t ever try not to work together — we just haven’t,” she says. “On the Downton film, we got completely overexcited, as we went to work for three days at the same time. What was lovely was doing the publicity together: travelling, just being in a hotel. We made sure we enjoyed ourselves.”

They have had a long-standing pact not to spend more than a couple of weeks apart, a rule Staunton broke to film Ang Lee’s Taking Woodstock (no, me neither). “I think it was five weeks: I was in America and thought, ‘Yep, that’ll do.’”

She enjoyed last summer filming Flesh and Blood, a new four-part ITV drama, on the coast near Eastbourne. “The sea does do something different to you, doesn’t it? I do think it would be brilliant to have somewhere by the sea, but it’s not going to happen.” She’s happy at home in Hampstead with Carter, walking the dog, spending days at the Test match and doing the gardening: “That’s probably an older person’s thing to say. Well, f*** it, you know? It’s healing, really healing. Having a stable place to come back to is quite necessary for me and for Jim, I think. It nourishes us. It allows us to go into a place that isn’t comfortable because you know you can get back to a more comfortable place.”

Flesh and Blood is an example of good parts being written for older people, especially women. “I’m encouraged by it,” says Staunton. “Very encouraged.” It’s not so much a whodunnit as a whodunnwot. In its rather gripping first episode, there’s a mystery body on a beach and a recent widow (played by 74-year-old Francesca Annis) starting a new life with a new fella who has a whiff of the gigolo about him. Staunton is back as the little old lady, Mary, a creepy next-door neighbour with a pair of binoculars and penchant for opening other people’s mail. This primetime drama does contain scenes of pensioners smooching.

“It’s not just for the sake of it,” says Staunton. “This isn’t trying to be ‘Oh, we’re beautiful things having sex later in life.’ There’s a loving relationship developing. The fact that [in one of Annis’s scenes] the dressing gown slips off is not extraordinary.” Would Staunton ever want a crack at being the older woman getting the, ahem, action? “I don’t think that would be required,” she replies. “I don’t think so, no — not unless it was funny.”

We talk about the trial of the film producer Harvey Weinstein. What experience has Staunton had of that grim — and criminal — casting- couch culture? “None. Absolutely none,” she says. “I’m not surprised [that it goes on], but I’ve always been in situations where women are treated equally. In the rehearsal room, women behave as they wish to behave and are listened to, and that’s normal. I never thought, ‘Oh, isn’t this marvellous, somebody’s listening to me?’ I’ve never witnessed it, but I hope good will come out of this. The irony of that” — she pauses to choose the word carefully — “situation is that that man [Weinstein] has made good things happen now. Hurrah.”

It won’t come as too much of surprise that she voted Labour in last month’s election — her MP, Tulip Siddiq, has a 14,000-vote majority in Hampstead and Kilburn, Glenda Jackson’s old seat. Staunton voted for remain. She also featured in a video last year for Extinction Rebellion, organised by Richard Curtis. “It was a friend who said, ‘Could you come along, they’re just doing it today, this bit of filming.’ Well, I was doing nothing else. I’m not climbing up the side of a building, so I’ll go and do that. If I can help, I’ll do that. As much as we can all do, every little bit helps.”

Does she worry about putting her head above the parapet like that? “No, not at all. That’s the only bloody point of any slight fame: you’ve got to use it, to put it to good use.” She has also provided the voice for some polar bears for Greenpeace. “Trump is just an absolute … It’s just a nightmare, and the climate’s a nightmare and Brexit’s a nightmare. And yet I wake up thinking about Hello, Dolly!”

At 64, Staunton seems to recognise that a Vera Drake or Hello, Dolly! might not roll round again. Even Harry Potter was, she says, “a very serious piece of work, weirdly”. She feels lucky that an actor’s life goes on. So no plans to retire? “I don’t think people do, do they? Name me an actress! No, you won’t get bloody Maggie Smith retiring. It’s a very nice job, if you can get it.” Plus, she’s still hoping someone will cast her alongside her 26-year-old daughter, Bessie, also an actress. “I’d love that. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.”

I hope they do give her the Queen job. If there’s anyone who could add some plausibility and empathy to the madcap past 12 months of royal history, from Megxit to the sweat-free antics of Prince Andrew, it is Staunton. I would pay good money to watch her, in standard-issue HRH lemon-yellow frock and tight-curled wig, look up, fix her aide with a stare and utter the words: “A Pizza Express … in Woking?”

Flesh and Blood is on ITV in February