#legit I had such an awful morning but this feels like a reward for my efforts. thank you milgr.am

[kotoal1011]

MY FUCKING GODDDD KOTO.KO SOUNDS SO GOOD I'M NOT OKAY

[howlingday]

a man needs a maid au) jaune arc was no fool, he knew his mother was scheming when he hired his three maids, yang, ruby, and pyrrha. but despite himself he can't quite manage to send them all away. life with them is simply too much fun, and if he needs to deal with a little chaos as a payment for having them around? well he was willing to pay it. after all

a man needs a maid

(a little focus on our favorite noodle and his daily life with 1 and a half competent maids. yang only does right half the time and ruby tends to get distracted easily pyrrha is hyper-competent tho)

"Good morning, Master Jaune!" The young billionaire awoke to the angelic voice of his maid, Pyrrha Nikos, as she opened the bedroom curtains. He sat up and rubbed his head, feeling the dull throb of a hangover from the night before. He looked to his left at the nightstand, finding headache medicine and a glass of water. "I hope you slept well, sir."

Pyrrha was the first girl hired by Jaune's mother to be his maid. She was once a rising star athlete, but after a blackmail scandal involving another athlete, she was forced to retire. But her life was all the better for it because she met Jaune. It was also pleasing when Jaune sued the other girl for extorting her rivals, which was later revealed to be Pyrrha's old agent's doing. He sued him, too.

"Well enough." Jaune grumbled, reaching for the medicine. He popped two tablets out of their silver package, before downing the full glass of water. With a sigh, he set the glass down and threw the bedsheets off. "Did I miss anything after going to bed?"

"No, sir." Pyrrha answered as she approached his side. "You were awake until after every guest had left. You then climbed the stairs to bed, where you promptly fell asleep after you undressed."

"Aw, no cute girls joined me?" Jaune teased, sliding out of bed. Pyrrha pouted before looking away. He chuckled. "I'm kidding, Pyr. Nobody at the party was my type anyway." He pecked her cheek, making his way to the bathroom in just his underwear.

Pyrrha couldn't help but watch him intensely. After all, she was head of security at Avalon, home of Jaune Arc, billionaire CEO of Vanguard Battle Industries. She needed to focus on protecting her benefactor's assets.

And what an asset he carried.

Jaune sat down for breakfast, his cereal and bowl ready for him. Yang Xiao Long entered with the jug of cold milk in it's jug. As she handed him his milk, she leaned forward, exposing as much cleavage as she could. She loved to tease him, especially in the morning.

Yang was the second girl hired, and she was a package deal with her younger sister. After her father passed away, Yang had to make ends meet in the underground fight ring to support the two. Jaune was feeling feisty on night and attended. She knocked him flat on his ass and knocked out three of his teeth. With a smile, he handed her his card. When his mother found out, she was furious with him, but sympathetic with the girls. She hired them on, and Yang rewards him with peep shows and panty shots, along with a few boxing lessons to keep it legit.

"I hope everything is to your liking, master~." Yang crooned as she licked her lips. Jaune chuckled at the attention she gave him. When he first hired her, he would blush and look away. Now, though, he was so used to it, he found it more endearing than arousing. "Any cravings you have other than milk~?"

"No, this should be good enough for the morning." He took a spoonful of his Pumpkin Pete's cereal. He glanced at the newspaper, crunching through the artificial pumpkin flavoring. With a gulp, he set down his spoon. "Huh, so she finally did it."

"Who did what?" Yang asked.

"Weiss." Jaune answered, handing her the newspaper. "She finally bought out SDC and took over the company."

"Really?" Yang took the paper as Jaune ate. "Heh, that's funny. I'm glad Ice Queen finally got her kingdom."

"I'm just glad Jacques is finally out. Maybe some good will come from SDC, instead of hazardous work with dirt-cheap minimum wage."

"You gonna say that to the press?" Yang teased.

"Yeah, after I tell everyone I'm dating you."

"You still haven't taken me out yet."

"In due time, Yang. In due time."

Jaune was now fully dressed for his weekend at home alone. Well, alone with his three maids. He was wearing a comfortable pair of sweatpants, and his Pumpkin Pete hoodie he won with the cereal he bought with his own money (his first true accomplishment), and a pair of socks perfect for the weather. In front of him, watching cartoons with him, was his youngest maid, Ruby Rose, kicking her feet while on her elbows.

Ruby was hired with Yang, something they referred to as a package deal. Jaune chuckled at that, saying he wouldn't have it any other way. When they first met, Ruby was so small, shivering when there wasn't even a breeze. After they were hired, Jaune demanded she be his personal taste tester. He would refuse to eat any meals until Ruby had tested them for "poison," going through an entire course to be certain. The once small girl... was still small, but now had a bit more weight to her, which Jaune confirmed was the healthy amount for her age.

"Do you think Prince Armada knows he's being played?" Ruby asked, staring at the TV.

"What do you mean?" Jaune asked, leaning forward.

"Well, he's the Prince of his entire kingdom, but Wolf Girl keeps tricking him into her games. He's always being put into crazy situations by her."

"He doesn't seem to show it." Jaune answered. "But if he did know, what does that say about him?"

"That he's a glutton for pain." Ruby replied. "She keeps making these traps and inventions, and she always makes him her Guinea pig. He falls for it every time."

"What if he likes her, but he's too shy to tell her, so this is his only way to get close to her."

Ruby looked back at Jaune with a confused look. She looked at him like he was something she pulled out of the drain. "It's a kids show!"

Jaune shrugged. "And yet we're two grown adults watching it."

Ruby scoffed. "You're the adult. I'm still 17!"

"Until next week." Jaune smiled. "Anything you want for your eighteenth? It's a big year."

Ruby hummed, then shook her head. "Nothing comes to mind."

"If you're sure, Ruby. But I'll get you something nice anyways."

"Okay!" Ruby then looked back to her cartoon.

Jaune smiled as he noticed Yang and Pyrrha approaching. They carried dust pans, brooms, and feather dusters in their hands. It looks like break time was over. It would be a quiet Sunday for the most part, but hopefully not uneventful.

After all, a man needs excitement as much as a man needs a maid.

[aerialflight]

les miserables drabble (afterlife!au)

What even am I doing anymore. This is a really old thing I wrote ages ago and kind of an apology for not writing at all over Thanksgiving break. I have a tendency to not write when I’m on vacation cause I love spending time with my family too much to even think of holing up in my room and writing like a maniac. It just causes me stress and guilt in the end, so, yeah. Anyway, hope you all enjoy!

Grantaire sometimes hated his job. He was no savior, no angel of the lord who has a stick up his ass.

Nope. Apparently, he just had to be stuck with the role of the grim reaper. Every kid’s dream to be the creepy guy in the corner just waiting for you to die. Fucking typical.

He’s been at this job for nearly, what, a few centuries now? He remembered enough of his previous mortal life that it hadn’t been that great anyway, so what the hay. Might as well spread the love to other people.

It’s moments like these, however, that have him questioning the meaning of life when he always ends up taking them anyway. Talk about pointless endeavors.

Take this situation for example: a mother was going into labor.

She was screaming her head off like a banshee and the father was about to pass out, the wimp. The mother, on the other hand, was cursing up a storm along the lines of, “Get my baby out or I’ll smother you with these pillows so help me god.”

Lookee here, the miracle of birth. It’s a lot messier than people think.

He sighed and shifted his prop of a scythe against the wall, watching and waiting and feeling like a proper serial killer. He knew why he was here, and he was going to make it painless as he possibly could. So he stayed vigilant, resisting the urge to leave the room and find a rapist to send to hell instead.

But then, of all the fucking things that could happen, he was rudely interrupted.

Suddenly, something was grabbing him by the cloak and dragging him out of the room before he could even blink, and slamming him against the wall.

“What in seven hells-” Grantaire coughed out before looking up in bewilderment to meet the sight of a legit angel.

Golden curls and blue eyes burning with righteous anger radiated off of him, bearing down on the personification of death as if he could chase all the darkness of the world away. Giant wings fluttered behind him, snow white and magnificent. Grantaire swore there was a fucking halo above the being’s head but it might be just the fluorescent lighting of the hospital.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the angel hissed out. Grantaire ignored it and kept staring in awe.

“Are you here to smite me? Cause there’s no need, I’m already smitten for you.” He blurted out, dazed.

Holy shit, what was this, punishment? A reward? He had been perfectly happy never meeting an angel before, and to know that this is what perfect looked like was the worst kind of torture.

The angel snarled, an angry flush rising up his face. It was mesmerizing.

Fuck. He was so fucked.

“You’re not taking that woman’s soul. She’s still alive, you’ll kill both of them.”

Those words snapped him out of it, cold creaking his dead bones. Frost was starting to cake his skin, threatening to ice the man’s hands. The angel dropped him, startled, the sun shying away from the cold in fear of being snuffed out. It’s been a long time since Grantaire has been angered like this.

He stood up, literally looming over the angel who should have no business with him or the girl, no business of the dead. Angels, who hid in their clouds and watched humanity from far up above, like they were better than the sewer rats. If the angel wasn’t so beautiful to look upon and Grantaire didn’t just fall head over heels over him in seconds like the pathetic idiot he was, he’d punch him in the face.

Instead, he gave a mocking grin that momentarily flashed the skeletal structure underneath, his jawline’s bones stark white and matching the hospital walls. A vicious feeling of satisfaction pumped his empty heart when he saw the angel recoil at the sight.

“If I wanted her dead right now, wouldn’t I have done it already dear Constantine? What, do I look like someone who likes to drag out a person’s suffering? My deepest apologies for starting such a misunderstanding!” he actioned a sweeping bow, so satirizing that it practically oozed. He looked up, grin piercing and cold. “Oh wait, that was you.”

The angel flinched, the glow around him faltering. Suddenly, the tension broke at a woman’s shriek.

Grantaire looked sharply to the clock, biting back a curse.

Damn, late. This was going to cause so much paperwork. Ugh.

“If you’ll excuse me, I don’t have time to lecture you about stereotypes and whatnot, so I’m just gonna go do my job.” he said sweetly before promptly walking through the wall, leaving a befuddled, confused, and beautiful angel behind. He’s amazed by his own self-control, they don’t pay him enough for this kind of shit. Oh wait.

And when he approached the scene of death that has now officially occurred at three in the morning, a still screaming woman now ghost greeted his sights that matched in pitch with her very alive newborn baby.

He sighed.

Fuck his afterlife.

[forged-through-trials]

It was a new day, and the first order of business, was drinking away the depression and existential dread left by the last job. Second order of business, was talking to Ongnar once more, and trading him some hot goods! Had to do so quickly, and early in the morning, before Ruin woke for the day and wondered where I’d gotten off to. While we did business, I asked Ongar about the word around town. He had this to say: Ongar: “Heard of Arnora and Jorundr? They were once a happy couple but that’s over now. I hear that he took all of their money and stashed it after he committed a robbery.” Trials: “...’stashed money,’ you say?” Ka-ching! Ongar: “You’ve got that look in your eye. Like a lizard after a payday, you are. She lives in the south end of town. Go talk to her and see if she’s offering any kind of reward for help.” Arnora will be step four for today. Step three will be checking on Ruin, just to let him know I’ll be taking care of some business in town and he can just chill for the day.

When I found him again, he had a strange grin on his face. Trials: “What’s got you so happy this morning?” Ruin: Ruin smiled broadly, obviously amused by my question. “You ask me why I am so cheerful? I will tell you; I have been meditating much on morality of late, and how, somehow, I have regained mine. “As you know, I was once lived in a society--” Trials: “--Bottom Text.” Ruin: “...” Ruin rolled his eyes briefly, before continuing. “--of wickedness. I witnessed much depravity, but kept my objections to myself. “Perhaps if I had voiced my objections, I could have prevented suffering. Or perhaps, I would have suffered along with the victims. I’ve agonized much over whether or not I should have stood up.” Trials: “You were just being cautious. You can’t help anyone if you’re dead.” Ruin: “A very pragmatic analysis. Perhaps I have been too idealistic? “Yet, I cannot help but feel that in remaining silent, I ultimately condoned the cruel actions of my kindred. I wanted to put an end to the suffering caused by my fellows, but I was afraid.” Trials: I raised a brow at him, and crossed my arms. “Why would that thought make you so cheerful?” Ruin: He smiled a little more broadly at that. “I would have thought the answer was obvious. Yesterday, helping the Lirrian Widow find justice, things like that have helped to bring morality into focus, for me. Whereas before, everything blended into a mush of gray, I’m beginning to see the world in the appropriate shades of black and white; good and evil. “I am cheerful because, for the first time in a long time, the world feels as though it is making some sense. Properly divided into black, white, and the gray in between.” Trials: I clicked my tongue, meditatively, and scratched my chin. “...which color do you think you fall into?” Ruin: His brow furrowed in surprise at that pointed question. “I’m... not entirely sure, just yet... though I’m starting to get an idea. Now that I’ve established a firmer moral scale, I can begin to determine where I reside on it. And I suspect some aspects of your moral shading will rub off on me, if we continue to travel together. “By my reckoning, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” I blushed at that last statement, and Ruin gave a chortle as he managed to get under my scales. He thanked me for my time. Now that Ruin had spent the morning practicing his Speechcraft on me, I asked him if he’d be willing to take an easy day off while I looked into what we should do next. He was more than happy to kick back and drink the Fighters Guild’s mead while I did the legwork, which freed me up to look the rumor Ongar fed me about this woman, “Arnora.”

It took a little convincing to get her to open up, but that was accomplished easily enough. People always seem to open up to me after a little talk, a little pie, and maybe some greased palms. Arnora: “I’m sure you’ve heard of the details I’ve leaked; about Jorundr and his run in with the law. Well that may not necessarily be the whole story.” Trials: “So what is the ‘whole story’?” Arnora: “If you want to know that, you’ve got to agree to my scheme, first. Until then, all I can say is, there’s a lot of gold in it if you’re willing to do some work for me.” Trials: “...sssounds legit.” Arnora: “Smart answer. “Jorundr is, to put it succinctly, a thug and an ass. He’s dragged me all over hither and dither, helping him with his petty crimes. “I wouldn’t say we’re thieves . I mean, we’ve stolen things.” Trials: “As one thief to another; that is the literal definition of a thief.” Arnora: “Okay, we’re thieves. But we’re not, like, super greedy. We only take enough to get by.” Trials: “Oh, I can understand that. I only take enough to get pie.” Arnora. “...” She blinked. “Well, to put it in your terms, Jorundr kept wanting more and more ‘pie’. Then, last year, he took way, way too much pie, and--” Trials: “--Got a tummy-ache?” Arnora: “...” She groaned and rubbed her forehead. “Killed. A. Guard.” Trials: “...the analogy kind of breaks down right about here.” Arnora: “We’d waylaid a tax shipment, and Jorundr, mad with greed, killed a guard before he’d realized it. “I was mortified. We stashed the gold and hid out. But while I was off gathering food, the Bruma City Guard found our camp--” Trials: “Wow! They actually did something!” Arnora: “I know. Amazing how they can actually manage to get away from their desks and do some real work when someone messes with the Emperor’s gold, isn’t it? “Jorundr was captured--and served him right--but he’d moved the stolen gold without telling me, that fetcher! “So what I need you to do is go to Bruma Castle’s dungeon, and speak to him for me. Convince him to tell you where the gold is, and then we split it.” And that was my new job. To get some thug to spill the beans about where he stashed some stolen gold. Sounds simple enough.

In the dungeon, I was stopped by the Jailor, “Greeban.” He wasn’t too happy to see me. Less so to hear that I wanted to visit a prisoner. Jailor Greeban: “What a bother. Don’t be too long. I gotta stay with you so there isn’t any funny business.” Trials: “No funny business?” Jailor Greeban: “None. And no tomfoolery, either!” Trials: “What about mischief?” Jailor Greeban: “No mischief! And no horseplay, no shenanigans, or chicanery! No devilry, no deviltry, no pranks, japes, or jigs, and absolutely no naughtiness!” Trials: “...what about a little razzle-dazzle?” Jailor Greeban: “...” He frowned harder at me, sticking out his lower lip. “...Okay, a little razzle-dazzle, because I wanna see it. But just a little!”

Geeban followed me into the dungeon. Jorundr was easy enough to spot, having a large cell to himself. I approached the bars, and spoke to him. Trials: “You’re ‘Jorundr’, right? I’m here to ask you about the Tolen-say Old-gay.” Jorundr: “...wat?” Trials: “The Tolen-say Old-gay. Tell me what I want to know, and maybe I’ll slip you a Ock-lay Ick-pay.” Jorundr: “...whatever you just said, you can forget it!”” Trials: I grit my teeth, balled fists shaking. “Listen, Upid-stay! Tell me about the Tolen-say Old-gay, and I’ll give you a Ock-lay Ick-pay, so you can Eak-bray out of the Ungeon-day!” Jailor Geeban: He knocked on the wall next to me. “Hey! That’s sounding an awful lot like horseplay over there!” Trials: “It’s more like ‘wordplay’.” Jailor Geeban: “No ‘play’ of any sort while you’re down here. Hurry it up!” Jorundr: “Look, I don’t talk to outsiders. No way to know if the guards put you up to this. So you might as well just blow away, because you’re not getting anything out of me.” Huh. So, the trick here is to convince him I’m not in league with the guards. I considered the problem, sizing up the imprisoned Nord, and the jailor. I grumbled, knowing one quick way to get on the Nord’s good side, but being unwilling to do it. Turning to the guard, I sighed and grumbled to myself; “Think of the gold, Trials. Think of the gold.” That decided, I held up both hands, palms open, reminding Geeban about how I’d promised to show him a little razzle-dazzle... then I quickly balled a fist and punched him right in the nose. He managed to shout: “You’re under--” before the sucker-punch took effect, and he flopped over like a cinder-block, crashing through a table on the way down. Jeez, it’s gettin’ so that a lizard-gal can’t even get arrested properly around here! About an hour later, he finally woke up and arrested me, throwing me into lockup, next to Jorundr. ...I’m beginning to think this wasn’t such a good idea. Plans that involve me ending up in the dungeon rarely go good places. Plus, how am I going to explain this to Ruin? “Hi, Ruin, I kind of got arrested. Bring bail-money.” He’ll never let me live it down!” But, I’m here, so there’s nothing to do but try to charm the info about the gold out of Jorundr.

Before I could, however, a guard approached his cell. From what I could pick up of the conversation, the guard was named ‘Tyrellius Logellus’ ... or possibly ‘Horse’s Ass’, as Jorundr called him both. Tyrellius: “Ready to talk, yet? You’ve got nothing to lose, so why not just tell me about the gold and save us both a heap of trouble?” Jorundr: “Yeah, sure, and I suppose I just end up rotting while you spend it all? Forget it!” Tyrellius: “You’re gonna end up rotting here anyway, you idiot!” Jorundr: “I never trusted city guardsmen. Never. So I’m definitely not going to start trusting you!” Tyrellius: “Suit yourself. Enjoy your stay.” Tyrellius stormed off in a huff after that, clearly quite butt-mad that Jorundr wouldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear.

Trials: “...did he just not even offer you any kind of deal? Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve personally never found ‘just tell me, bruh’ a persuasive argument.” Jorundr: “It wouldn’t matter if he did offer me a deal. I’d never cut one with that Milk-Drinker. You, on the other hand, hehe, I can tell you’re no friend of the guards. Not by the way they chucked you in here for that love tap you gave Geeban.” Trials: “FIN-ally! Okay, let’s talk about that Tolen-say Old-gay.” Jorundr: “...listen, I’ll talk to you about the Stolen Gold, but knock it off with the Pig-Imperial, will you?” Trials: “...you understood me this whole time?” Jorundr: “I did. I just didn’t trust you. Also--” He proceeded to punch me right in the snout, knocking me on my tail. “--that’s for calling me ‘stupid’ earlier.” I awoke an hour later in a daze, but Jorundr helped me up, and explained to me what he wanted. Jorundr: “I want you to kill Arnora for me.” Trials: “...I’m not really an assassin. Can I just give her a strongly worded letter from you instead?” Jorundr: “Only if you stab her with the pen.” Trials: I paled a little at that. “Why do you even want her dead so badly?” Jorundr: “Because she sold me up the river! Can you believe it? She killed a guard, and had the nerve to pin it on me, selling out our camp to the Bruma City Watch!” Trials: “Huh. She said you’re the one who killed the guard.” Jorundr: “That treacherous witch would say something like that! Everyone is willing to believe I’m violent, just because I punch people who annoy me!” Trials: “...” I rolled my eyes at him. “Yeah, who could possibly get that impression about you? “Now, I don’t suppose you’d take something else in trade for the location of the gold, would you?” Jorundr: “No. And I want proof that she’s dead. Like that amulet she’s always wearing. You bring me it as proof she’s dead, and I’ll tell you where the gold is.” Gentle-reader, I don’t think I need to tell you that I ain’t killin’ nobody in cold blood. But this scheme has effectively hit a wall, so I will need to talk to Arnora and try to figure out what we’re going to do next. ...after I get out of the dungeon. There’d better be a lot of gold in that stash to make up for this indignity. Thankfully, nobody here really likes Geeban, so punching him in the face only holds a maximum sentence of ‘cool your heels for a day’. I was out and about shortly there after, and I rushed over to Arnora’s house to fill her in.

I arrived in time to interrupt her Destruction Practice. I stepped in front of the target to get her attention... and got zapped for my trouble! Arnora: She gasped. “Wh-why would you just walk in front of my spells like that!?” Trials: Still crackling with shock-energy. “Hehehehe, it kind of tingles.” Arnora: “...well, no one ever said I was a good wizard.” Trials: “Anyway, we have a problem. Jorundr says he won’t tell me where the gold is stashed unless I bring him proof that you’re dead.” Arnora: “...y-you’re not actually going to do it, are you? Kill me, that is...” Trials: “Relax. I’m coldblooded, but I’m not a murderer.” Arnora: She sighed with relief. “Good, because otherwise I’d have to defend myself!” Trials: “What? With your puny shock-magic? Feel free to do it again. It tickled!” Arnora: “...” She groaned and sat back on the chest behind her. “I admit it, if you really wanted to kill me, you could. But maybe we can just make Jorundr think I’m dead. Just long enough for him to tell you where he stashed the gold. “What did he want as proof?” Trials: “He said he wants ‘the amulet she’s always wearing’.” Arnora: “Ugh! Of course that pig would ask for that. It’s a family heirloom!” She proceeded to retrieve a red-gemmed amulet, completely separate from the blue one she was actually wearing, from a nearby chest. “Here, take it!” Trials: “...so, I tell you he wants the amulet you’re always wearing, and you give me one that you weren’t actually wearing.” Arnora: “What? They’re both family heirlooms. Besides, Jorundr likes to play mind-games like that. Trust me, this is the one he wants.” Trials: I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but if he punches me again, I’m passing it on to you!”

From there, it was a quick trip back to the castle dungeon. Geeban was... not happy to see me again, but kept his distance as I went in to visit Jorundr. Jorundr: “Did you take care of Arnora?” Trials: “Oh, yes, she’s totally dead. Dead as a door-nail. Dead duck. Dead meat. Dead, dead-dead! She is no more. She’s ceased to be! She’s expired and gone to meet the Nine. She’s now the late Arnora. She’s a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace! If not for all the snow she’d be pushing up daisies! She’s pulled down the final curtain and joined the Choir Invisible. She... is your EX... girlfriend!” Jorundr: “...guess I’m single, now!” He rubbed his hands together. “Okay, now show me the proof.” Trials: I retrieved the red amulet from my pack, and showed it to him. Jorundr: “Wow, you got the one she keeps stowed away! She must really be dead because she’d never even pull that one out of her trunk!” Trials: I rolled my eyes at him. “Yeah... never... anyway, let’s talk about the gold!” Jorundr: “Right, right. The gold is buried outside the walls of Bruma, near the North Gate.” Trials: “Neat! Pleasure doin’ business with you.” Jorundr: “Goodbye. I don’t expect to be seeing you anytime soon. If I were you, I’d get out of Bruma fast before the guards catch on that she’s dead.” And there we have it. A bit more complicated than I would have preferred, but I have the info. That gold is as good as mine!

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Distract me Rio: Would I ever do a thing like that? 😏 Rio: What are you up to? Buster: 'Course not, but make an exception this once, yeah? For me? Buster: In the most boring history lesson, a lad has legit fallen asleep and had everyone's blazers and books piled on him Rio: 😂 Rio: Idk, sounds like you're already having a wild time to me, babe Buster: What about you, how wild are you being without me? Rio: Not yet Rio: Got to work out where the best lighting is before I set up this stream Buster: Hit up Nance, she knows all about that shit, like Rio: That would be an interesting convo Buster: You don't have to give her the details, who doesn't love a selfie? Buster: She's probably got a whole ranking system of every inch of both houses is all I'm saying Rio: Keep it in mind, cutie Rio: also gonna keep it in your room, don't really need to make myself that at home Buster: Your fine my dad's not really the drop in for lunch at home type Buster: Earn that money, babe Rio: On it Rio: I'm going to go out tonight, scout out the decent clubs Buster: That better be you asking me out on a date Rio: Well, it is a School night 😉 Buster: Like fuck am I staying at home with an essay Rio: Better work hard to get it done earlier then eh boy Buster: You know I always work the hardest, babe Rio: I do, I've got faith Buster: Yeah, me too Buster: Always worshiping, like Rio: Good boy, I know Buster: Waking up early for it so I can put in the hours before school and everything Rio: Mmm don't remind me when I'm trying to concentrate so you can too Buster: But all I can concentrate on is that you're about to film and you always look so fucking good then Rio: Gotta get that dollar, right? Rio: Okay, you can have 1 photo, get it out of your system Rio: [Selfie] Buster: Babe Buster: That's getting nothing out of my system Rio: Damn Rio: I was really trying and everything Rio: now what do we do? Buster: Well, right now all I can think about is you lying on this desk like that Buster: Obviously I'm trying not to Rio: Obviously Rio: Have you ever fucked at School? Buster: Not all the way Buster: Sometimes girls get into their heads that they wanna mess around but they bottle it before then Rio: Yeah, I reckon I only did a handful of times, it's tricky Buster: Shame you dropped out 'cause I ain't gonna be ticking that one off now Rio: Aw baby Rio: no way I'm getting in now with this bank account, like Buster: Very rude of you not to consider me and my sexual exploits before you made the decision, honestly Rio: Truly, how dare I Rio: sure you can work out a way I can make it up to you Buster: I'll think on Rio: Just don't be handing in that list at the end, yeah Buster: It would liven things up a bit but Rio: 😂I feel you Rio: I might get a day job too, I miss you, like Buster: Is that you handing in your notice as my secretary already? Buster: Gutted, like Rio: 'Course not Rio: I can do it all, babe Buster: Yeah you can Rio: Though when that paperwork gets too much fr you might have to get a real one, but we got time Buster: You'll still be my fave if I do Rio: Awh, what a romantic Rio: she can't be as cute as me, put that on the ad Buster: There's nobody as cute as you Rio: Shh Rio: Idiot Buster: You shhh Buster: You're beautiful and you sent me the proof already Rio: 😊 What you reckon, are you like your Da or can you drop in for lunch later? Buster: I'm nothing like him, clearly Rio: Yeah? Rio: I'm glad Buster: I'm so unlike him in fact that I might just take the rest of the afternoon off Buster: Would you like that, babe? Rio: I would Rio: but you can't Buster: Why can't I? Rio: Because your Mum will kill me Rio: we can still have fun Buster: My mum won't know Buster: She ain't keeping tabs that hard Rio: Boy Buster: Fine Buster: I'll be 😇 Rio: We gotta Rio: we're proving we can do this, right Rio: that it's not a bad idea Buster: Yeah Buster: That don't mean I don't wanna be bad though Buster: I miss you Rio: I know Rio: 'cos I miss you more Buster: You reckon? Rio: I know so Rio: Didn't have to ask you to distract me 'cos I was already there Buster: Rio Buster: You can't say that and expect me not to wanna come home right now Rio: 🤐 Rio: It's hard not to think of you when everything here smells of you Buster: Jesus Buster: Are you in my bed? Rio: Yeah Rio: not being lazy, it's inspiring me, that's all Buster: I can imagine Buster: I am Rio: Don't worry, I'll be here waiting for you Buster: I know Buster: It's killing me Rio: I'm sorry baby, I can't help myself Buster: Don't be sorry 'cause then I'll have to act like I haven't been thinking about you since I left this morning Rio: You do look so good in your uniform, I don't even care Buster: [Shamelessly selfies in class like he's Max from Life is Strange, boy wtf] Rio: 🤤 Rio: I'd never be able to concentrate if I was in your class Buster: You'd be in good company Buster: Look how flustered you've made me Rio: You're so fucking adorable Buster: How long of a bathroom break can I get away with taking before they think I'm shooting up in there or something? Rio: Does your School have much of a heroin problem Rio: How long do you need Rio: I can get you closer before you go Buster: I'm not trying to be the poster boy either way Buster: Not with this fam's history Rio: Fair Rio: Going a bit hard for a Wednesday morning Buster: You think my mum would be gunning for you Buster: But imagine Rio: Yeah, in the grand scheme of things an afternoon of fucking isn't all that bad, like Buster: So tell me to be good and not be in the bathroom long enough to start those rumors Rio: 'Course Rio: Not going to let you get that bad when I'm not there with you Buster: You gotta be strict with me, babe Rio: That's how the uniform has got you feeling, yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: Then stop wasting both our time, McKenna Rio: Get going Buster: 😏 Rio: Best believe I'm gonna wipe that look off your face too Buster: Is that right? Rio: Well, I doubt you're going to feel very smug when I make you cum all over yourself just by talking to you Buster: That's what you think's gonna happen, yeah? Rio: I've got previous to back me up, what makes you sure it won't? Buster: It ain't my first rodeo either Rio: Listen, you shouldn't have thrown down the gauntlet if you can't hack it, boy Rio: I'm gonna be the first person to fuck you there, one way or another Buster: I admire the dedication, babe Rio: You better Buster: Or what? You gonna go harder? Rio: Nah, boy, you don't get rewarded for bad behaviour Rio: plenty of paying punters who'd really appreciate what I'm trying to do here Buster: You know how good I can be Buster: Don't worry about them Rio: Prove it Buster: I'll do anything you want Buster: Name it Rio: Get alone, first off Buster: Alright Buster: Hold on Rio: Baby, I'm getting impatient Buster: We're good Buster: I'm always getting off in bathrooms for you so I decided to change things up Rio: Interesting Rio: Where'd you go? Buster: I found an empty classroom Rio: Fuck Rio: Okay you get points for that Buster: I knew you'd like that, babe Rio: Can you be two for two and guess what else I'd like, I wonder Buster: I know you've got ideas about this teacher's desk Rio: Points again, this boy Buster: I'll get on it since you can't Buster: Quite comfortable actually Rio: Enjoy, because if I was there, you know you'd be on your knees on the floor, whilst I sat back with my legs spread Buster: I'd enjoy that more Rio: I know you would Rio: You're so desperate for me, yeah? Buster: Always Rio: Show me Buster: [sends pics] Rio: The things I want to do to you right now Rio: Jesus Buster: I'm listening Buster: Make me cum with every word just like you said you would Rio: First I'd get you outta that shirt so you can see me in it and nothing else like you like, and I'd get to feel and smell you on me Rio: these sheets aren't cutting it anymore, even with nothing between me and them now Buster: I want that so bad Rio: Then I want to keep bringing you closer and closer to the edge Rio: but I'm not going to let you cum, not yet Buster: Fuck Buster: I'm aching for you, babe Rio: Poor baby Rio: it's going to get much worse before it gets better Rio: I need you begging Buster: What do you wanna hear? Rio: How much it hurts and how badly you need me to just touch you again Buster: Rio, you know I need you Rio: You're going to understand what need feels like after this baby Buster: Jesus Rio: Are you touching yourself? Buster: I have to Rio: You can't hold it in any longer? Buster: Baby please Rio: Please what? Buster: Let me Rio: Okay baby, fuck yourself for me Rio: but take it nice and slow Buster: Okay Buster: Oh god Rio: How does that feel? Buster: So fucking good Rio: It would be even better if I could trace my tongue up and down every inch like I want to Buster: Rio Rio: Yes? Buster: I wanna cum inside you Rio: In my mouth or in my pussy? Buster: That mouth 'cause its got me like this Rio: You know I'd just swallow every single drop without breaking eye contact and you'd basically be hard again Buster: You're gonna get me caught Buster: I can't stop moaning for you Rio: Maybe you'll get sent home Buster: They better let me finish first Rio: Nah Rio: your cum is for me Buster: Come and take it Buster: I'm so close Rio: Promise you're going to come here and take me Buster: If you promise to clean me up Buster: You're gonna have to lick all this off me Rio: Take a picture of the mess you've made baby, show me how I've got you Buster: I will Buster: But promise first Rio: I want you so fucking bad, I promise you that and so much more Buster: I'm gonna make you feel this good, I swear Buster: I fucking love you, Rio Rio: I love you too Rio: did I do good? Buster: [sends the pic she wanted] Buster: What do you reckon? Rio: 😩 Rio: You're so fucking dirty and I want you to make me just as dirty Buster: As soon as they let me go for lunch I'll be there Rio: Good Rio: I'll cook you something Buster: I can eat later Buster: I wanna taste you more than anything else Rio: We can do both Rio: and I've got this apron on now, let me be good to you Buster: Okay baby Buster: Be my good girl Rio: This is how it's gonna be with me, daddy Rio: get used to it Buster: I don't know if I ever will Buster: You're so perfect Rio: I'm glad you think so Buster: I know it, babe Rio: I can't stop thinking about you, you're so good Buster: Keep thinking about me Buster: I want you to ache for me like I did for you Rio: can you keep talking to me for a bit Rio: even if you go back to lessons Buster: I'm already heading back but I'm not going anywhere Buster: I'm right here for you Rio: Good Rio: Keep me Buster: Anything you need, angel Rio: 😩 Rio: call me that again Buster: You're my angel Rio: Daddy Rio: I'm so wet now Buster: Show me Rio: [Pics] Rio: 😳 Buster: Poor baby Buster: Say the word and I'll help you Rio: Please Buster: How do you want me to fuck you? Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Rio: I just want you every way it's so hard to decide what would be the hottest Buster: What food are you making? We could use that Rio: You wanna feed me 😏 okay Buster: Why sit at the table when you can use me to eat off of, right? Buster: You wanted my shirt already off anyway so Buster: And when you've had enough of that we can go back, get you sitting comfortably and I'll get underneath Buster: Exactly where you need me Rio: I need that Buster: That's the first course sorted then Buster: Where shall we have the second? Buster: I might need to get in the shower, depending how hungry you are, maybe we can start there Rio: Very Rio: I promised I'd clean you up so that makes the most sense Buster: It's a shame I'm not in a maths lesson, we could work out together how many times you're gonna cum Rio: I'll work it out now if you like Rio: really dedicated to the 'cause Buster: I'd love that Buster: You're really sexy when you concentrate Rio: I'll get out the hornrims and suck on my pen pointedly Rio: I know how you like it Buster: Yeah you do Buster: That's why you're my angel Rio: 😊 I'm going to be so good to you when you get here Buster: I know you will Rio: I'm going to think on dessert too, whilst I'm at it Rio: you can't be the only one full of good ideas Buster: If you need inspiration there's always the app Buster: Might help you think Rio: That app does not get me rational Rio: but I can see the appeal of having the only thing I'm capable of thinking about being you fucking me 'til I pass out from how good it feels Buster: You don't have to be a know-it-all to get how shamelessly appealing that is, like Buster: I'm glad you are though Rio: 😒 Bit rude Buster: No, you get me Buster: And you're so smart Rio: 😏 yeah backtrack some more babe, I'm into it Buster: Shhh Buster: That's what I meant from the off and you know it Rio: I know but you're too nice Buster: Oh you want me to be nasty, is it, babe? Buster: Alright Rio: 😋 I mean Buster: Good thing I got my tie on today Buster: Gonna need it Rio: Yeah, you reckon? Rio: Wasn't me who couldn't keep my hands to myself, like Buster: 'Cause of that mouth getting me in trouble so I reckon I'll just use it to shut you up instead Rio: Gonna make it count 'til you get here then 😉 Buster: Good Buster: I'm ready to work for that silence Rio: You're never off, such a hardworking Daddy Buster: You never stop turning me on Buster: That's why you ain't seen nothing yet, baby Rio: Show me something then Buster: I'm gonna show you how you made me feel in that classroom Buster: Fucking you until you wanna scream but you're not allowed Rio: Please Buster: Say it like you mean it Rio: Please tell me we've only got one more lesson to get through Buster: I've got one more lesson to make you as needy as I want you Rio: Baby Rio: I'm already so bad Buster: I know but I need your cum all over me too Buster: I need you so wet for me Rio: I want to cum all over your face Rio: Please Rio: I'll be so good from now on Buster: I know you will Buster: Keep telling me what you need, angel Buster: Anything Rio: Anything? Buster: I know you heard me Buster: Anything Rio: Come out with me tonight Rio: I wanna go back to that club, with the coke Rio: but do it right this time Buster: That's the best idea you've had since you first said yes to me Rio: Not going to disagree Buster: I love you Rio: I love you more Rio: Just work on not getting caught this time, yeah? Buster: Nobody's gonna stop us Buster: Not this time Rio: Nah, no one can babe Buster: You're mine Rio: Yeah I am Rio: All yours Buster: I wanna come home to you now Rio: I know Rio: the more I miss you though the more it'll be worth it, remember Rio: so needy Buster: Yeah Rio: Don't be sad baby boy, lemme cheer you Buster: You're so good to me, baby Buster: The best Rio: Yeah well, you earn it Buster: So do you Buster: But I'd still give you anything anyway 'cause I'm so weak for you Rio: I'm glad it's me then Rio: not just for obvious selfish reasons Rio: but 'cos you are too good to be taken advantage of Buster: We've always been on the same level Buster: Even when I was trying to act like I wasn't about you there was only so much pretending I could do Rio: Yeah, I'm pretty great 😏 Buster: Like I said 😇 Rio: I never hated you you know Rio: even when you were peak twat Buster: Cheers babe Buster: I knew it but I like hearing it from you Rio: You did not, did such a better job than you at hiding how I really felt 😜 Buster: You wish Rio: 😒 i'm a stone cold ice queen thanks very much Buster: Not around me Buster: I know exactly how to make you melt Rio: 😋 I'll allow it because I like it and you Buster: You can say you love it Rio: We'll see when you get here Rio: can't give you all your pillowtalk now Buster: You won't be able to speak later and we both know it Rio: Promises promises babe Buster: Like you said, when I get there you'll see Rio: Well, everything is ready Rio: I'm getting back in bed Buster: 'Course you are Buster: You deserve it, babe Buster was timed out 3 hours ago Rio was timed out 3 hours ago Buster joined the chat 3 hours ago Rio joined the chat 3 hours ago Rio: I swear I do things with my days Buster: Nothing to prove to me Rio: Just everyone else, like Buster: Shut up Rio: What, it's true Rio: and I will Buster: No it ain't Buster: That's not what you're here for Rio: What am I here for then? Buster: Do you want a list, like? Buster: It's not for them, it's for you Rio: 😏 Rio: You're cute Buster: I mean it Rio: I know Rio: I can feel your serious face from here Buster: Good Rio: 😋 Buster: I'm finally out of here Buster: Thank Christ Rio: 🙌 Traffic better not cockblock me now Buster: I've timed it before, there's no chance Rio: Good to know Buster: Standard I'm surrounded by posh cunts response Buster: Even without every added incentive you've given me Rio: Has it been tolerable? Buster: Nothing I can't handle, you know Rio: Be over before you know it Buster: Yeah Rio: Promise Buster: I really love you Rio: If I get a job, I can probably stay here 'til you finish Buster: I'm trying not to get my hopes up 'cause even I shouldn't be that selfish but like Rio: Yeah Rio: well, you know the deal Rio: unless Indie says she needs me back Buster: Exactly Buster: She might need you more than me Rio: I think Grandad went and got my stuff the other day Rio: no one else could be trusted, clearly Rio: my bedroom stuff anyway, not going to leave Indie without the rest if she is staying there Buster: Do you reckon she will? Like actually Rio: I don't know Rio: Ideally she'd go home but if she won't that's better than the alternatives Buster: True Buster: I can go get the rest of your shit if she doesn't Rio: Nah, fuck it, it ain't worth the aggro of him acting like we did him dirty getting rid of his ancient busted shit Buster: Alright Buster: But if you change your mind, say the word Rio: Will do, babe Buster: My mum hasn't made you feel weird about being here, has she? Buster: Cause you can tell me that too Rio: No, I mean, probably going to be weird when I actually see her in person again knowing she knows but Rio: all things considered, I thought she handled it well Buster: Me too Buster: And she has kept her word not telling my dad, like Rio: Yeah Rio: and I do still want to tell people so Rio: I can't work out why Drew hasn't but I'm glad Buster: Probably 'cause he doesn't want Indie to hate him more than she does Buster: If he actually wants her to live there, she wouldn't if he did you like that after everything Rio: Yeah, that's probably it Buster: As a selfish cunt that's how my mind works at least Buster: Fuck knows with him Rio: You're not fooling me, babe Buster: I don't want to Rio: Good Buster: You're good Rio: You know it Rio: Come see Buster: I'm nearly there Buster: Be ready to show me something Rio: Born ready Buster: I believe it Rio: [After] Rio: Miss you already Buster: I know Buster: I feel it too Rio: Least you'll be able to concentrate now Buster: If I don't fall asleep like Buster: Gonna need energy for tonight, yeah? Rio: 'Course Rio: only so much the coke can do Buster: At least when it ain't from Drew it don't have as much to do Buster: Say what you want about this postcode but Buster: Expensive taste has its upside Rio: Yeah, I hope so Buster: What are you doing before then? Rio: Gonna go workout Rio: maybe stream again when I'm getting ready to go out Buster: You didn't get enough of one from me? Rude Buster: I'll try harder next time then Rio: I mean Rio: Welcome for the motivation 😉 Buster: I've only just left and you've gone from 😇 to 😈 Rio: Just keeping things interesting, babe Buster: I love it Buster: I wish my teachers would take note Buster: Not necessarily in the same way, before you say it Rio: 😂 Rio: Whatever you say and whatever gets you through, like Buster: Don't be giving that advice to my sister, cheers 😂 Rio: Umm Rio: we're talking strictly fantasy thank you very much Rio: be getting ideas boy 😒 Buster: Yeah but we all know hers now Buster: Right now I'm only wishing as far as sir not being a prick and trying to make me put my phone away Rio: Be 😇 Rio: I'll catch you later Buster: 😒 Buster: Babe Rio: Babe Buster: I don't want to be that cunt like I only talk to you when I wanna fuck Rio: I reckon we're slightly past that being a believable cop-out Rio: try if you like though, old time's sake 😏 Buster: You're funny Rio: I'll go get in Nancy's bed, like Buster: I swear my mum reckons I was moving you in to fuck you whenever I want so Rio: Well, it'd be a bit weird if she assumed anything more really Buster: She could believe me but that's a novel concept Rio: She will Rio: it's not fair for us to expect it out the gate Rio: gotta see it first, yeah? Buster: You're right as per Buster: Like you said, she's been pretty decent about it actually Buster: I'm just being an impatient cunt, aren't I? Rio: Lil bit Rio: but if anyone gets that, it's me Rio: you know I'm tired of it too Buster: Yeah Buster: Speaking of, I need to go before I get my phone confiscated Buster: Fuck's sake Buster: What century are we in? Rio: Go work baby Rio: Love you Buster: You too, babe Buster: I love you

[myaekingheart]

I wish Halloween was considered, like, a blackout day for mental health issues and stress. Like, why can’t I actually just enjoy a holiday for once? Why does real life always have to get in the way? I really wanted to enjoy Halloween this year. The older I get, the more I can’t help but feel as if I’m losing touch with my happiness and excitement for things, especially holidays I used to be really pumped for like Halloween. I mean, it probably also does not help that I grew up in a house that went all out for holidays and now we barely do anything so I feel this pressure to go all out when I have zero energy and motivation. We haven’t even been watching Halloween movies or specials so it’s like we haven’t even been festive and that sucks. I at least dressed up today and walked around school as Wednesday Addams which was fine, I felt confident with the exception of the god-awful middle part (I really hate myself with a middle part). One teacher told me she liked my costume, and another guy was like “OH SHIT YOU’RE WEDNESDAY” when we passed in the halls which felt good. I wanted to tell my teacher “Ha this isn’t a costume tho” when she complimented me but I just told her thanks instead. It was fun and all, but deep down I was actually internally combusting all day which sucked. I was tired and nervous (my anxiety always hikes on Halloween for some reason, which sucks because it’s a holiday I do really enjoy but I get so goddamn panicky and it kind of puts a damper on things). I was second-guessing myself a lot this morning just nervous. I knew hardly anyone else was going to dress up, so there was that. At least Wednesday is a discrete enough costume to wear and not feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, though, which is a little comforting. The entire thing was put together with things from my closet, anyway. It also didn’t help that my stomach was acting up. It was really probably just nerves but regardless of what the cause was, it made me feel even more anxious. That coupled with the fact I spent too much time getting ready this morning left me feeling unmotivated to make myself my usual breakfast (plus I was running out of time) so instead I just a fucking chewy granola bar and that was it. That was all I ate all day until my boyfriend came home from work. So I went basically eight hours running on nothing but a 100 calorie granola bar. And that fucking sucked. I’ve really been trying not to restrict anymore, but that’s a pain in the ass when everything is so much more important than eating. I just brushed it off, though, because I told myself I could always just buy a Pop-Tart from the vending machine when I got to campus. It would be fine. Of course, it wasn’t until I got to campus that I realized I forgot my wallet and therefore had zero money whatsoever on me. Which was also disappointing because they were having a $1/$2/$3 book sale on campus, as well, that I was really looking forward to checking out-- even though I had completely forgotten it was today until I was on the bus. Classes were fine, pretty much the same old shit. This week has really been slamming me, I feel like I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean during a rough storm. We’re just still trying to recover from that stupid fucking hurricane this month, which set us all back a full week. I hate the way we have to try and cram everything into a shorter amount of time, and how my teachers were complaining that fall semester is even worse for this happen during because we already lose almost a full week for Thanksgiving break anyways so this just makes it even worse. All the work is so overwhelming, too. Compositions and writing assignments and reading homework and tests galore-- it’s insane. And the other problem is that it’s fucking endless, as soon as you get one thing done, you’ve got ten more assignments to take care of. There’s no minute to step back and breathe. I’m drowning. By the time my last class was over and it was time to go home, I was pretty much wiped. I was sitting in medieval lit when I reached that point in the starvation process where you’re stomach feels empty and tight and your vision becomes kind of hazy and you feel like if you don’t eat something soon you’re going to pass out and never wake up again. It’s like you can feel the energy literally just evaporating from your body, you feel so weak and nauseous and hungry. I started sinking into the numbness by the time I had gotten to the bus stop, and at least at this stop I can sit down without feeling vulnerable or weird. The only issue is that my bus takes fucking forever to get there. I watch the same route pass by three fucking times every day before my route shows up. It’s fucking ridiculous. But then my bus finally came and I was able to get on and relax for at least a little bit. Or try to, anyways. I feel like I haven’t been able to relax all day, either. I’ve been kind of jumpy and impatient. Anxious, basically. Just wanting to get everything over with asap so I could move on to the next thing and the thing after that and the next thing after that. It kind of waned during the day, but this morning I was so high-strung I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I already got that weird sensation again briefly this morning while I was getting ready (which lowkey fucked me up, too) and then before class started in French, everyone started having this big group discussion about Thanksgiving that made me want to shoot myself. But anyways, I got on the bus this afternoon and was honestly just so relieved to finally be going back home. All I wanted was to sit down in my chair with my laptop and relax, maybe watch some spooky movies. Actually take advantage of it being Halloween, you know, shit like that. The bus seemed to show up to my stop relatively early, and I thought maybe I would be able to catch my transfer without waiting a fucking half an hour like every other day. I didn’t want to push my luck, nor did I have the energy to speed so I kind of just walked as fast as I could to the intersection only to find the bus sitting there at the stop. I considered jaywalking but I’m a pretty lawful person and the drivers around here are fucking idiots so I really didn’t want to run the risk of getting hit. So I waited, and then wanted to kill myself. I watched the bus pull away and then the crosswalk sign tell me to go. I would have to wait a fucking full thirty minutes for the next bus all because I refused to run across a busy fucking street. Perfect. I tried calling my boyfriend to tell him what was up but he didn’t answer. Said later he was super busy at work. So I had no choice. I don’t like sitting at this bus stop. It makes me feel vulnerable. I refuse to sit. This bus stop also always makes me insanely anxious. The other route that stops here goes through the heart of the ghetto so there’s always loud hoodrats hanging about that make me nervous. They’re bigger than me, stronger than me, they could easily take me down. That’s a lot of the people in this town, but at the bus stop specifically is where I encounter them the most and it’s nerve-wracking. There’s also this woman who frequents the stop whose financial situation I’m not exactly sure on but she’s hellbent on getting money from other people. She will legit walk into the street during a red light and knock on people’s windows asking “Do you have a dollar or two?” and she always asks me, too, and I always tell her no, I don’t, even when I do. I don’t give money to strangers. It’s too dangerous. Luckily, there was nothing like that at the bus stop today. After the ghetto bus hit, I was there all alone. I also did not end up having to wait as long for my bus, probably because it was “free day” (where nobody had to pay fare) so the buses were moving quicker without anyone fumbling for change. Once I got home, I so desperately wanted to just relax but it was not in the gods favor. Instead, I spent the next hour that I had home alone scrambling to get all my homework done. I had to write a poem for class tomorrow that we didn’t know about until Tuesday, and had to print off like 25 copies for everyone in class for a workshop next week. I had a composition to write for French class. I had a weekly response to write for medieval lit. And then when I got all of that done, I started some laundry because we can’t afford to get behind again. I was going to maybe start the dishes, as well, because that’s another thing we can’t afford to get behind in again, but I didn’t really have the strength. Remember, at this point I was still running on only a 100 calorie granola bar. I was losing steam fast. I would like to say I prioritized myself and grabbed a snack when I got home but let’s face it, we all know that’s not me. We all know I have a shitty relationship with food and feel like it’s not as important as everything else on the planet, that I can eat when I get everything else done almost like a reward system. Hi, I’m disgusting. My boyfriend came home right as I was loading laundry into the washer, and he brought me some donut holes from this morning so I ate those all the while thinking in the back of my head how fucked up eating donut holes at 6pm was like what a way to spoil my fucking dinner. Yeah, I’ll admit, I was a little disgusted with myself but they were good and I was hungry so whatever. I wish I had gotten time to really relax but instead I sat waiting, tensely, to hear if anyone had actually finally responded to my boyfriend’s offer of doing something tonight. We were thinking of getting together with friends but nobody ever replied back, and time was ticking quickly, we were running out of time to get an answer. I sat around in my dress and full face of makeup until, like, 9pm just waiting to hear anything, not wanting to wipe everything away and crawl into pajamas only for someone to say “Yeah, get dressed up and come over” and I’d have to put everything back on again. We ended up not going anywhere, and not even doing anything. No Halloween movies, no candy, nothing. A total fuck-up of a Halloween, honestly. And now it’s November 1st, the holiday came and went and hardly anything good came of it. Additionally, I had a panic attack about forgetting rent was due tomorrow and a minor depressive episode due to my mother’s fucking psychopathic facebook tantrums. In a nutshell, she had to take her parents to the airport this morning (they were down for their annual week-long visit) and had the rest of the day to herself so I guess she sat at home alone drinking and complaining. She started slamming facebook with all these posts that were either sexually inappropriate or childish whining, like one of a costume idea where you draw a jack-o-lantern face onto a man’s ass shared with a caption heavily implying she was talking about doing this to my father and kept saying “Happy Halloweenie!” The worst was her trick-or-treater tantrum, though. She started complaining about how she never gets any trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood and how depressing it is, how she would literally move just to have trick-or-treaters. And then she got SO UPSET about it that she posted pictures of her process of basically mutilating a pumpkin-- and I mean mutilating, like she stabbed a giant square whole into it and gutted the thing and called it her “chiminea pumpkin”-- solely because small children in cheap costumes were not coming to her front door asking for candy. Like, the minute I saw that I was so fucking disturbed. All I could think about was her slow descent into insanity over the years and how it has all built up to this and how it will continue to descend until she likely commits murder because if she gets so upset over trick-or-treaters that she feels the need to take her anger out on a pumpkin with a knife, I can just picture her snapping one day and killing a man or some shit and that is fucking terrifying. So yeah, she’s officially a psychopath and as much as I love her, jfc I fucking hate her, too. I ended up having a minor breakdown (in text form, anyways) to my friend about her and how I feel like my real mother is dead and has been eaten by this monster my mom has become over the years, and just overall it was a huge fucking downer and made me feel even worse so yay to that. So yeah, all in all my Halloween sucked and I’m so depressed about it I could cry. It only comes once a year and I so desperately wanted to enjoy it but there were so many fucking things in the way of that, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been scammed and now it’s over and it won’t be Halloween again for another 365 fucking days, I have to wait an entire year to redeem the shitty Halloween I’ve had this year, and it’s not even something anyone would even fucking care about because shut the fuck up Amanda it’s just one day out of the year it’s not a big deal you whiny disgusting bitch. 

[cosmosogler]

last night was awful. my brother said he would try to be quiet so i could sleep, and i closed the door to the computer room, and he went straight back to screaming. i couldn’t sleep anyway.

i woke up many, many times throughout the night. and well before my alarm went off at 7:30 in the morning. i was so exhausted i didn’t feel comfortable driving myself to the hospital for my test. dad was super mad that i asked him to get up.

i had to wait like an entire hour for the procedure to start. and the doctor screwed up the first iv and had to try my other arm instead. my left arm hurt for hours. and my iv arm always gets stiff but that wore off much faster. i got pumped full of radioactive material!

oh, and my ipod decided to lock me out immediately before my procedure started. i couldn’t fix it before it was time to start. so i just had to lay there and stare at the inside of a machine for over an hour. i fell asleep. i lost track of my breathing, i hope i didn’t snore or anything.

the last half hour was the doctor sitting next to me slowly injecting like, some kind of digestive hormone that causes your gall bladder to dump everything? so they could watch the radioactive stuff travel through the organs involved. we talked about moving around a lot growing up. one of her parents was in the military so she spent most of her time on bases... the injection made me cramp up and get real nauseous real fast. but they didn’t need to take any extra tests, so i hope something normal is wrong. if that makes sense.

dad took forever picking me up afterward. i didn’t have time to make myself lunch before i had to leave for therapy. at least i got to finally brush my teeth and take my meds though.

i got to therapy right on time. i didn’t have time to look through my tumblr post last night to try and remember what i wanted to talk about so i meandered a little bit at the start of the appointment. i also had not had quite enough to drink and was pretty hungry so it was hard to focus. i must have only slept five hours... i was awake so much i couldn’t keep track of my dreams.

i get upset about tv shows i watch, because i get invested... i don’t think that was the reason i couldn’t sleep though. a while ago i considered getting dad into steven universe, but... i don’t know if he’d, be, ok with the relationship stuff, and the emotional expression stuff. he doesn’t like adventure time as much when it gets plot heavy and moves away from goofy jokes. it also takes a lot of paying attention to keep track of background details and foreshadowing so everything comes together nicely. that’s what made it hard to get people into homestuck too.

jojo is much more dad’s style.

i forgot where i was going with this. i brought up most of the things i wanted to talk about in therapy. my therapist is very encouraging. i’m not sure if that’s what i need. like, group therapy is really hard, and i get really, really agitated during/after. and... i guess i’m not getting better as fast as the other participants. but it’s harder to believe my individual therapist because she mostly just listens and tells me it sounds like i do work hard.

i don’t think i could manage group therapy if i didn’t have any encouragement though. so maybe the two together will be more helpful. 

still not really up to participating in group though. i didn’t do the homework again. i will consider doing it in the morning i guess.

and i did the dumb weird facial expression when i am legit upset but i also need to keep talking or the other person is going to get real confused. 

asher suggested i try to join a new fandom the other day. i haven’t been watching any motorcity in the last few weeks... i am also very shy and it’s hard to insert myself into an “established group,” especially when i don’t really make any content or contribute.

it’s also hard because i feel like i’m in, like, a transition period in my life right now and i recognize that it’s gonna get real busy real fast in august. any people i meet now, i might not have any time to connect with in two months. and two months isn’t long enough for me to build a new friendship.

the day is really hazy. i hate not getting enough sleep. i went grocery shopping with my brother. we spent all mom’s money. and mom scolded me for using my money for the doctor instead of asking her to pay for it. it was a lot... but i really didn’t have time to ask while i was paying.

oh, and i got the confirmation emails from ufl finally, so i can do the online orientation. if i ever have the motivation to move again. 

i didn’t really take any of the dogs out for exercise today. wiley’s going nuts. i haven’t walked him in like four days. with comicon i got too tired...

most of the evening i just spent in my room watching youtube videos. even when i knew they probably wouldn’t have anything interesting to say, or talk about things i hadn’t noticed.

but i found some cute dog videos!

not sure what i’m doing still awake. i’ve been up for a very long time. started writing the journal entry a little later than i wanted. 

oh, the chore chart. mom and dad already aren’t using it properly. they loaded up a bunch of weird chores on my brother and mom seems to think she threw out the reward markers. i think i talked about that yesterday? my brother and i are using them anyway though because she didn’t throw away the reward markers and i have no idea what she was talking about. but dad’s already asked me to do stuff he didn’t write on the chart. which is the opposite of what i wanted.

at least he asked, i guess...

not sure what i need to do next... besides show up for group i guess. but like, with my life. what sort of goal can i reasonably achieve in the next few days/weeks. i wanted to say “i will try again tomorrow,” but i thought about it today and i really still don’t feel up to putting in more of an effort. maybe i will have more energy tomorrow though. i don’t know.

[captainignatiuspigheart]

Oh no, I’ve left this too late in the week and now have no idea what happened a mere three days ago! Also, it’s now scorchingly hot and it’s cooking my brain cells. I’ve been thinking a bit about the gummy, elastic chrono-confusion I’m feeling. I think a lot of other folk are too, but figuring out other folks’ memories is definitely beyond me. I never know what day it is any more, and were it not for stopping work at 5.30 each day and those two weird days at the end of the working week when there’s suddenly nothing I’m supposed to do, I’m sure I’d just be working 24/7. That there is no need to get up and function is harrowing.

I’m mostly succeeding at dragging myself out of bed and doing exercise in the morning. Generally it’s running on the spot with weights in our front room (the amazing aerobic powers of Wii Fit) while watching Clone Wars episodes (subtitled) and listening to a handful of the podcasts I’d usually enjoy while cycling each day.  It’s profoundly unsatisfying, plus it makes me sweat, which is awful. I’ve been out for a few cycle rides, but I’ve never been a truly willing exerciser – all my cycling was just a cheaper, quicker way to get to work, with the sublime bonus of a swimming pool around halfway there. 

Once I start work, it’s mostly OK. Last week got a bit chilly again and drove me back indoors, but by Thursday I was desperate for a change of scenery and returned to my garden office. It wasn’t warm… But being in a different place helps, because I’m just not seeing enough different places. My friend Sophie (who thinks far too much about far too many things, many of them associated with improv) has ideas about how our lack of different environments, especially in using the same places for a wide range of activities normally in different places, fails to trigger important context switches in our brains. Without those usual changes, everything is just the same and none of it sticks properly. Makes sense to me, certainly at the moment. 

Watching: Elementary season two

This is proper comfort TV. I’m still surprised and pleased by the combination of Jonny Lee Miller as Sherlock Holmes and Lucy Liu as Joan Watson. They perfectly nail the characters, Miller in particular truly captures Sherlock with a captivating performance: equal parts awkward, arrogant, and ferociously interested and invested in their work. Physically he’s gloriously contained and compact, irritating, irritable, witty and twitchy. Liu is the perfect foil. It’s also very reassuring to be back in 2013 era 23 episode seasons. It’s a splendid show, with long story arcs and rewarding character development looping through and around the episodic crime of the week format. It makes me really happy! For my money, this is so much richer and more faithful to Conan Doyle’s characters and feel than the cold, existential BBC drama. These are people I want to spend time with, and gloriously there are another five and a half seasons, making Miller and Liu the longest-running performers of these roles.

Testing: COVID-19 swab test

I know! I don’t know anyone else who’s had a test, whether they work in a hospital or elsewhere. I received mine because I use the COVID-19 Symptom Tracker app to log my symptoms (or lack thereof) every day. They’ve allocated a bunch of tests to what’s effectively a control group of people like myself who they don’t think have the plague. So I got a test! Weirdly exciting, in the same way as receiving a postal vote. The instructions are impressively massive for a relatively simple process, and all the bits were included. First step: book the courier to pick it up using an online portal. Second step: register the test online. Third step: take the damn test. Two places are swabbed, with varying degrees of discomfort. First the back of the throat, pretty much where my tonsils would be had I not had em yanked out years ago (cue lots of gagging and drooling) Second as far up your nose with the same swab as you can, and swivel… That’s more unpleasant, and it did feel a bit like I was poking myself in the brain. But it’s fine, and nothing to worry about. A chap came to collect it on Sunday. I feel like I’ve contributed something concrete, which is rather nice. Oh, and my test came back negative. I’ve rarely been so happy to fail a test…   

Doing: MissImp’s Virtual Improv Drop-In

Another cool recorded workshop, this time an intro to musical improv. I fear it, yet this is a lot of fun. Good for pretty much anyone, of any age, no matter your imagined singing proficiency.

Reading: REDACTED by REDACTED

I can’t tell you too much about this one I’m afraid, but I spent a chunk of last week getting lost in the first of our Marvel novels to enter the Aconyte Books production line. All I can say is it features a popular and somewhat snarky female character, and explores her past and present. Vague enough for ya? It’s great though, funny and action-packed with a strong voice. I’m so pleased we’re making these novels!

Building: LEGO Detective’s Office 10246

After dismantling and washing this lovely modular build out in the sun the previous weekend, I’ve reassembled it! So many pieces just arrayed together on a tray is oddly intimidating, and it felt like it took me forever to re-assemble. It was worth it though. There’s a plethora of cool and cute features inside, plus some clever building techniques I’d love to master, or at least remember…

Building: LEGO AT-ST Raider 75254

I’ve been agonising over buying Mandalorian LEGO sets for a while. I love the show and I wantses the LEGO, but they’re pretty pricey. I can’t justify the Razor Crest – the only set with a legit baby Yoda – for £119.99 for a quite ugly grey set. This was my alternative, netting me an official Mando minifig, Cara Dune (one of my faves from the show) and a pair of grumpy Klatoonian raiders. 

Fractionally more colourful than most LEGO Star Wars sets, this is a joy to assemble. The cockpit is ingeniously assembled and has a lot of character. It takes plenty of stickers to make this such a pretty set, and I’m increasingly skilled at applying them (hello, samurai sword paperknife). The minifigs are lovely and detailed (though I’m actually favouring the knock-off Mando I think – more on that another time), and the guns are absurd. Just look at that lovely raggedy AT-ST!

Pew pew

Pew pew pew

All our guns are too long

Last Week: Elementary s2, LEGO AT-ST Raider, COVID-19 test – a weird mix of stuff last week, and some rambling about lycra-stretchy feelings on time. #elementary #covid19 #tv #books #LEGO Oh no, I’ve left this too late in the week and now have no idea what happened a mere three days ago!

[uterusclub]

As any Native Chicagoean can attest, the winter never fails to destroy our souls – at least temporarily so. But as that weary tail-end concludes, one gradually regains hope, energy, and enthusiasm. These are the trappings of no more woe. 

Our first expedition involved a visit to the Otherworld Theatre Company to see a choose-your-own adventure style production of ‘Quest for Thrones.’ We were beckoned to make several decisions for the Game of Thrones characters which mostly involved death or killing and to no surprise of mine, our crowd was an outwardly, murdery bunch. So we got along just great. The only downside to the show was the mold-induced smell of the lobby area where I quite literally gawked around the room to see if anyone else was just as disturbed as I. They did not appear as such which daunts me even more. Following the very short but delightful show, we made our way home but the night just didn’t feel complete. So we made a stop-off. Well, 2, actually. Sharon had demanded a hot dog the entire day so we stopped at my beloved Susie’s and then headed a few blocks down to my treasured karaoke joint, Sidekicks! It had been quite some time since my last sing so it was well-overdue. Upon arrival, we noted several people already singing which took me by surprise. While Sharon hit the bano, I was met by my long-time waitress friend who’s name I can’t completely remember – Christine – Christina? Christy? Something like that. I’m horrible. In any case, she offered me a mis-remembered test-tube shot (Sex on the Beach) to which I declined (my favorite is the Buttery Nipple) and ordered us a few drinks. I immediately trolled through the song book to figure out my agenda which, let’s be honest, is usually the same couple songs. Due to low attendance, I was announced very quickly. The night continued much the same aside from several interruptions from ‘the mutants at table 9’ who attempted to Facebook us (we DID give them Uterus Club as our contact but perhaps they considered this a joke as nothing ever came of it). We had met our end all be all of interactions with these folks when one of them dedicated a song to me. It was at this point, we slipped out, past the bouncer and I quite literally ran to my car even though Sharon had my keys and fumbled around for horror-movie record time. Surely, we would have been killed. Regardless, wonderful, hilarious night.

Onward. Sharon has been madly obsessed with a man by the name of Max Frost whom she played a few songs of a little while back. She missed a previous concert of his as my schedule wouldn’t allow it but recently discovered he was once again, back in Chicago! Naturally, she grabbed tickets and demanded (or rather, asked super nicely) we go. The last time we had been to Subterranean in Wicker Park was for Allison Weiss which was a blast! I recalled our hanging out on the upstairs area and peering down at the entire performance. Max Frost was equally rewarding in this sense. Unfortunately, getting awesome seats around the threshold of the upstairs area meant getting there early and listening to the opener – a girl we had already pre-researched and were not impressed with. Ironically, she ended up sounding way better live. Further irony kicked in when we discovered there was an ADDITIONAL opener who no one knew! THIS guy? Oh man. This was your stereotypical, dirty hipster trying-to-be-real with the ‘people’ who attempted to be deep and introspective while sitting on stage without shoes on. Absolutely horrendous! It should come as no surprise that we were a tad bit ecstatic when Max Frost FINALLY showed up on stage. Yes, we were ecstatic for approximately five songs and then all fizzled out into exhaustion. Capping the night and our very classy ride home via the most wonderful CTA, we listened to a homeless man reflect on his rejection of a plus-sized lady whom he compared to several, large animals. Always an adventure.

But wait. There’s more. ‘March madness’ couldn’t possibly be complete without a little festive shout-out to the Irish. And we went all out people. Having said that, I believe I’m some ridiculously low percentage Irish but I’ve also BEEN to Ireland so I think I get a free pass on that one. In any case, Sharon suggested we hit up the downtown dying of the river in the morning since neither of us had actually seen it live. Sure, the videos are fun but it couldn’t possibly be the same. So bright and early, we headed downtown to park and walk over to one of them many bridges to catch a peek. I had no goddamn idea shit was going to be that cray! Seriously, it was college town USA and like, early. The only good part of the situation is that everyone was very merry but not obnoxiously so (yet). The bad part of the situation is that the color saturation hadn’t exactly made itself evident enough from our viewpoint and therefore, we saw a little bit of green far off in the distance. Major fail. Our follow-up idea was to hit up Public House for their themed

cake shakes, however, we later realized it was already privatized for some wrist-band drinking event all morning and not open to the public! So we hit up the ‘poor man’s’ Public House ie. JoJo’s Milk Bar. The place was small and unimpressive to say the least. Sharon ordered us a ‘shake’ which was sad. We took a few obligatory sips before headed out. Next stop? Milwaukee! That’s right!

There’s absolutely no musical I love more than Phantom of the Opera. I legit have this shit memorized. On our way up to Milwaukee, I googled us a place to stop and eat nearby before the show. The Internet gods brought us to Ale Aslyum Riverhouse. It’s difficult to explain the complete awe of driving from a crazed downtown Chicago to a completely abandoned downtown Milwaukee. Streets were desolute! We had apparently come to the right place. Upon grabbing a quick lunch and Sharon randomly bumping into an ex-client of hers, we made our way to the Marcus Performing Arts Center. As usual, I had completely forgot what sort of seats I had purchased us but apparently I did well since we ended up in the back row on the end of the aisle. The performance was most enjoyable – although some of the singing was a bit inconsistent and I think we both spent a questionable amount of time wondering what the race of the Phantom was. We stayed long enough to hear by favorite trio part before seamlessly ducking out and venturing over to one last stop before home: Mars Cheese Castle. To say this place is anything other than completely overwhelming would be a lie. We came away with a few bags of curds and not much more due to ambivalence. Next time I’ll do some research.

St. Patrick’s Day! The OFFICIAL! Our festivities for the day mainly included eating and drinking. Oh yes, we also threw in a little Boondock Saints as well and some Pandora Irish playlist to accompany our cooking. Menu included Guinesse drumsticks, spinach puff-pastry shamrocks, mashed cauliflower and corned-beef eggrolls. Don’t forget, topping off our day-drinking of Magners Hard Cider which was doused with a few drops of green food coloring! We completed the meal with alcohol cupcakes purchased the night before at the previously mentioned Mars Cheese Castle. And that’s a wrap!

So guess what? We loved Milwaukee SO much that we decided to visit it AGAIN! But THIS time, we really meant business. First stop? Plato’s Closet. It’s tradition after all. Next stop? A little Milwaukee Burger Company. Ginormous, Deep-fried cheese curd cubes, anyone? Stomach – my apologies but worth it. Where to now? Our most beloved Lost Valley Cider Co. where we met an Irish wolf dog who was HUGE and wonderful! We also got our hands on a peanut butter and jelly cider as well as a Hibiscus cider we enjoyed so much we ordered some to go!

Catching a nice buzz now, we made our way to Swing Park where a bunch of hoodlums roamed and I tried to do fancy moves for photographic integrity. Sharon captured what appears to be a child abduction in progress which is absolutely priceless. Our journey now took us to the Villa Terrace Decorative Arts Museum which, not gonna lie, I didn’t know anything about and frankly, still don’t. But it was pretty and had a cheap Groupon and had a fantastic view! Finalizing our self-guided tour here, we finally headed to our haunted (that’s right), Bed and Breakst: Brumder Mansion.

We were met by innkeeper, Tom who was an absolute joy! Unfortunately, he didn’t give us much intel to go on as far as ghosts were concerned – only to say there were 13 and none sounded menacing (how very disappointing). He also mentioned there being some children that tend to fidget with items left out if you ask them to which Sharon left out a ridiculous amount of things. I’ll save you the suspense – nothing was moved. In any case, we hung out for a little while before heading out for our dinner reservation at the Pasta Tree. This has always been a favorite of mine, however, both service and food was mediocre at best for some reason. We followed up dinner with drinks at a nearby Irish bar by the name of Paddy’s Pub which ended up being one of my favorite parts of our trip! Decor was beautiful and sweet and the employees were homey and gracious.

The pinnacle of this trip was our finalized stop-off at the Oriental Theater to see a viewing of the Room with actor/director/writer, Tommy Wiseau present! The line for this event was literally down the street and around the corner! It took me a second to realize that Tommy was signing autographs and taking pictures BEFORE the actual showing so we jumped ship from our spots in line to meet the man himself who was kind and sweet (and apparently dug my tattoos). After re-joining our original line, we eventually made our way back into the theater and  headed up to the balcony for anti-social viewing. Oh! And I mustn’t forget the spoons. While we had been in line outside, someone was passing out handfuls of plastic spoons which we didn’t take out of confusion – only to research and later discover it was a ‘thing’ that went along with the movie. Our bad. Next time! Show was scheduled to start at 9:30pm. Show started at, I’m going to say 10:45pm after all the delay and opening shenanigans. We were tired as all hell. And made it just about 15 minutes into the movie before calling it a night. Unfortunately, leaving out of the theater, Sharon predicted Tommy might be hanging out in the lobby and of course, lo and behold, there he blew! Goddamnit! So we attempted to casually saunter out only to be met with a very saddened, ‘Where you going? Home?” It actually broke my heart. Poor Tommy. Heading back to the B&B, we both eventually passed out and roused for our adorable breakfast. Parting fairly quickly after our meal, we had a final, triumphant stop off at the Potawatomi Hotel and Casino and endeavored in a little morning Bingo. Again, I’ll save you the suspense – we didn’t win. And I’m sure I demanded vengeance per usual.

Wrapping up the wonderful month of March was our visit to the United Center to see Mumford and Sons! I had purchased tickets for Sharon for her birthday back in February. She had been talking about wanting to see them for as long as I can remember. It was only after I had purchased said tickets that she vocalized her hatred of their latest album. Fortunately, they didn’t play much of it. As a precursor to the show, we stopped

off at Viaggio for some Italian dinner. Twas splendid! We then took a buzzed walk over to the show and awed over the comfort and view of our seats! No one in front of us and at the end of the aisle! Cat Power was the opener who I am familiar with but don’t know much about. I described her as ‘more depressing than Aimee Mann’ which Sharon could barely wrap her head around. Crowd became super anxious as a result but as soon as

Mumford showed up, the energy was electric! I’ve never been the hugest fan of theirs but I will say they put on a damn, fine show! Again, left after a handful of songs but know, I would have stayed til the end. And as we left, drenched in the cold rain whoring our make-up, I knew that this and everything else had all been worth the wait.

Oh Hi, March As any Native Chicagoean can attest, the winter never fails to destroy our souls - at least temporarily so.

[chestnutpost]

I Worked As A Dominatrix For Over 5 Years. Here’s What It’s Really Like.

This post was originally published on this site

A few years ago, at 34, I found myself being interviewed for the position of a dominatrix at a prominent New York City BDSM dungeon. I lied during that interview. A lot.

There was no way I’d reveal that I was there because I wanted to make a documentary about the women and men inhabiting the fascinating underground world of BDSM. For the record, we were not underground; we were on the second floor of an office building in midtown Manhattan ― a very convenient location for guys to come in for a quick domination session first thing in the morning, during their lunch breaks or right after work.

My brilliant master plan was to get access to the women who work as dominatrixes and their clients and learn about the everyday business of running a reputable BDSM dungeon (a legal business in New York state). I thought I’d do this job for a couple of weeks, then go on to make my documentary, which would premiere at the prestigious Sundance Film Festival and make me the toast of the town.

If someone had told me this 10-minute interview would instead change my life forever, I would have laughed at them.

I still remember how fast my heart was beating as I rang the bell and waited for the manager, a woman in her 50s, to open the door and let me in.

As I entered the space, I stopped to look around. The “dungeon” was an office just like any other office I had ever been to or worked in. Up to that point in my life, I had held about 15 different jobs including sales, working the register at a bakery, being a secretary at a PR firm and a few waitress gigs while I studied to be an actress. I had fully prepared myself to walk into a room with chains, whips and all sorts of torture devices, but there I was in an ordinary waiting room with cheap art hanging on its walls, a tiny locker room and a coffee machine.

The manager held my New York state ID in her hands and asked me about my accent, my height and my shoe size. Less than 10 minutes into the interview, I was offered a job and asked to pick a dominatrix name for myself.

Three days after that interview, I began transforming from Stavroula to Mistress Kassandra — much easier to remember and pronounce, right? My alter ego gave me permission to wear fierce red lipstick, high heels and clothes that made me feel like a million bucks ― from leather pencil skirts and corsets to vinyl dresses and catsuits, expensive nun and nurse costumes, even turtlenecks and tuxedo pants that covered my body completely and left everything to the imagination. The communal closet at my new job was like the FAO Schwarz of BDSM and I was in heaven!

Mistress Kristy Riding crop used in pony training session: The clients would pretend they are young ponies in training.

More importantly, I felt in total control of my body. Mistress Kassandra was powerful, unapologetic, vicious, sweet, innocent, dirty. When I was her, I could be anything I wanted to be and didn’t have to explain myself to anyone. Not only that, but this newfound power and confidence in myself was celebrated, respected and very well-compensated.

What documentary? I was hooked on being a dominatrix and there was no going back.  

One of the first things I learned at my new job was that men of all ages, social classes, and religious and ethnic backgrounds found the dungeon to be the only place they felt safe enough to take off their mask, remove their armor and reveal their vulnerabilities, traumas and pain, in an effort to heal and become better men. The surrender of their minds and souls was, and still is, one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed in my life. And it was all happening at the hands of powerful women.

When we hear the word “dominatrix,” we tend to think of men being tortured by thin, beautiful white women with dark hair, dressed top to bottom in leather. Here’s the truth: The women at my new job came in all shapes, sizes, skin colors, ethnicities and ages. They were married, single, had children, went to school to get their master’s, etc.

Some of them were honest with their families about the work they did; most of them kept it a secret since people’s ignorance usually leads to judgment. Every single one of these women was spectacular in her own way and I realized soon enough that I was going to learn a lot from them. I was, and still am, in awe of any woman who does this job and knows how to do it well. 

Mistress Kristy Loved wearing this catsuit! I bought it with my second paycheck so I didn’t have to wear the ones the other dominatrixes used.

Working at the dungeon was very much like any other job when it came to scheduling, showing up on time, signing off at the end of the day, keeping the space clean, treating the clients and co-workers with respect, hanging out in the break room when it wasn’t busy, etc.

We worked eight-hour shifts but we only made money when we booked a session. When a client booked one of us for a one-hour domination, the house would get $240 and the dominatrix would get $80 out of that plus whatever the client tipped, if he tipped at all. We had clients who would come in for a quick half-hour session ― the rate for that was $150 and the dominatrix would get $50. The manager would keep track of all the sessions and we got paid every Friday morning.

Making $80 in one hour or even $50 in 30 minutes was great for me, but for the women who had to pay their mortgages, kids’ tuitions or student loans, this money wasn’t enough. There were times when we had close to 20 dominatrixes working the same shift and most of them never really made any money. Some chose to stick around and see if something would change; others quit after a week or two. Then we had the ones who’d show up for a shift even on their days off because they had nothing better to do. The dungeon had become their comfort zone and something like a second family.

Privacy is the No. 1 priority when it comes to this job. I have yet to meet the man who is confident enough to admit that he sees a dominatrix. We also had some pretty powerful and well-known men who would frequent the dungeon for a good punishment session. So the doorbell had a legit company’s name written on it, and the manager on duty was the only person buzzing people in, checking the cameras and welcoming them at the main door. The rest of us knew to stay put and not exit whatever room we were in till the client was sitting nervously behind the closed door of an available room.

Some of the clients would call in advance to book their dominatrix, but others wanted to meet the new girls. I felt the most nervous as I was walking down the hallway and heading into the room; I never knew who was waiting to meet Mistress Kassandra behind that door ― and what if it happened to be someone I knew? Once I saw that it was a complete stranger, I was relieved and very interested to get to know them.

Mistress Kristy This was a classic confession session. The men would stand in front of me and confess all their sins and wrongdoings, and ask for forgiveness.

I always let them know that they could tell me anything they were feeling in the moment and I would listen and help them without judging them. Men are full of feelings, insecurities and sensitivities. And that’s OK. A big kudos to the men who are brave enough to deal with their own shit, even if that is inside the four walls of a dungeon!

In between sessions, I’d ask the other dominatrixes to show me how to use the electric chair and the humiliator, how to crack the whip or work the pizzle, how to set the tone for the session, how to do piercings (yikes at first, but then I loved it!), how to spank the right way and how to make these fancy knots you see in bondage-related images — single column tie, double column tie, zip snare!

I wanted to play with every toy and experience every type of play allowed while keeping in mind that safety and consent are the two most important things when it comes to being a great dominatrix.

Most of my clients were smart, kind, respectful, vulnerable, decent men looking for an experience they couldn’t have with their “other half.” Many of them were single men and, I have to admit, there were a couple of guys I fantasized about meeting outside of work.

Of those who were married, the majority didn’t see their visit to the dungeon as cheating since there is no actual sex involved. Still, this job is sexual by nature. Some clients would reach orgasm through masturbation at the end of the session but only after asking my permission to do so. At the same time, many men chose another type of release: speaking about their emotions without censoring themselves, crying or asking to be hugged. If they wanted a hug, or to kiss your hands and feet to show you their gratitude, they had to ask for permission to do so.

Some of the more popular sessions involved bondage and discipline (plenty of men need to be tied up in order to connect with their emotions and let it all out), brain fade (any type of psychological play that keeps the male in a submissive state), CBT (cock and ball torture), corporal punishment (caning, flogging, paddling), cross-dressing (so many men want to act and dress like women!), foot worship and/or worship of the feminine divine, animal play (some men identify with dogs and ponies and love being trained and treated like them), asphyxiation using gas masks, mummification (using a body bag or plastic wrap) and one of my most favorite ones … complete surrender. These men are sick and tired of being in charge, but they can’t be anybody else in the outside world because they’d stand to lose everything. So, for one or two hours every week they’d come to me and surrender their egos, their pride, their bullshit, their beliefs and their wearable wealth from their Rolex watch to their Gucci leather loafers.

Mistress Kristy Getting creative and putting M&Ms on the floor as a reward while teaching the puppy how to get into the cage. 

Seven out of 10 times they’d cry by the end of the session and, for me, that was when they were the most manly. I also loved this type of play because it taught me to trust my gut again, something I did as a little kid but was taken from me as I grew older and was conditioned to second-guess myself.

Inside the dark rooms of a BDSM dungeon, where all the noise is shut out, I’d get to silence the noise in my head. I’d forget about the clock ticking, the things people expected of me and all my obligations. I’d put away my phone, just like my clients did the second they walked into the room. I learned to be present in the moment where the only thing that mattered was the freedom to express myself and connect from an authentic place to the other person in the room.

And, for the first time in many, many years, I was listened to without being interrupted, without any objections and with genuine interest from my clients who wanted to know what I wanted, what I thought and why. I raised my voice and it was OK to do so. I released my anger and frustrations and guess what? Nothing. Terrible. Happened.  

Here I was, a 34-year-old woman who was rediscovering herself and healing the wounds she never knew she had, all while making close to $2,000 a week; many of my clients were very generous when it came to tipping for helping them experience something new and reach a whole other level of consciousness.

Meanwhile, they were the ones helping me.

At the end of my second week at work, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed something different about me. I stood taller. I felt in control. I realized that I had started walking more slowly, apologizing less, breathing easier, sleeping better and smiling only when I truly felt like it.

The men I dominated helped me tap into my power source by simply reminding me that I had every right to do so. Hearing this day in and day out worked miracles on me.

Mistress Kristy I loved this dress and this photo got a lot of attention on the dungeon’s site since all the other dommes always posed in black clothes. 

My two weeks at the dungeon turned into two months, and then I went on to work as an independent dominatrix for a little over five years. Working as an independent dominatrix is a whole other ball game and it comes with many dangers and risks. It made me wiser and taught me how to protect myself.

I never made my documentary, but I am currently developing a reality series and writing a nonfiction book about my experiences.

As an actress, writer and director, I felt a tremendous need to share my story in my own terms in hopes that it would help people realize that we are all broken one way or another, and that we all have the same desires and needs — starting with the need to connect and to be accepted for who we truly are.

So I created a scripted series called “SWITCH,” along with an incredible team of professionals, with the ultimate goal to stay true to the story and tell it from a woman’s perspective. SWITCH follows a group of dominatrixes and their clients as they lead double lives and struggle for power, identity, love, family and ambition.

Courtesy of The Toska Matrix; Design & Illustration by Viktor Koen A poster for SWITCH.

A couple of months ago, I realized I simply can’t keep up being a part-time dominatrix and a full-time writer, director and actor so I hung up my whip and paddles and gave away most of my clothes. I am still making time to meet with certain men, women and couples who need my help on a one-on-one basis. Doing this gives me great joy and it’s something I hope to continue doing for years to come.

Working as a dominatrix taught me how to have compassion and love myself unconditionally, to walk away from situations or people when they don’t value me, to stop waiting for permission to create the life I’ve always wanted. It taught me to go after everything I want fearlessly, because I have every right to do so. And here’s a little secret: so do you.

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The post I Worked As A Dominatrix For Over 5 Years. Here’s What It’s Really Like. appeared first on The Chestnut Post.

from The Chestnut Post https://thechestnutpost.com/news/i-worked-as-a-dominatrix-for-over-5-years-heres-what-its-really-like/

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 10: “Did I really win or is it an alternative win?” - Logan [ PART I ]

matt exposing the dynamics of the game to me is my kink

most of it i already know but i just play dumb

also, apparently people know me and mj are close? so... yikes. i need new allies

I honestly don't know what the hell happened today other than it really sucks to go to two tribals, but I'm laughing because:

[2017-01-25 11:35:37 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): apparnelty gage told the vl upon arrival that the alliance of u me and logan is "taking over the game" :~) oh we did that huh

And I really almost voted Owen out tonight. If this is a real thing....

ALRIGHT serious update time. Chronologically since the reward:

(-) Both my tribes won. Hell yeah. And thank god Steffen is only around on one tribe, because PHEW. (-) Neither adventure led to anything good, and one actually led to a disadvantage which I immediately shared with my tribes. I'm curious as to how I could be disadvantaged on a list comp. (-) The good news is that between MJ and myself, we've officially concluded that Mars is tapped out. There's nothing left there unless taking a different pair of sunglasses at the start gives something different, and I'm not convinced. (-) Carson and I collaborated as well, as did Steffen and I. Both went to Mercury and guessed at SPF numbers. This is going to be so much random guesswork and process of elimination. I'll be impressed if it's gone any time soon. (-) Like an IDIOT, I totally spaced on telling Kait and she wasted her adventure going to Mars. Dammit. I need to get better at looping her in on things. (-) I called with Lydia yesterday just to soothe her nerves before the vote. We talked politics and board games and it was a super chill and mellow call. One thing we didn't especially discuss is game, and I think it did both of us some good. Turned out her fears were totally unfounded too, which is great. (-) RIP Gage? It's a shame because I like the dude quite a bit, but it's not like we spoke very much. (-) Everyone going to tribal again two rounds after the first is too stressful. Eep. (-) As soon as that came out, Matt came to me saying he knows I'm his target. Which... is a weird way to play that. Why tackle me in an immediately aggressive tone rather than try and continue construction on the half-built bridge? (-) Anyway, he goes on to tell me that this game is all about cliques and it's not meant to be 'Friendvivor.' Super clever. I'm not sure it's about cliques so much as it is about who works well with each other. If it were that simple, Lydia and Kait probably would have taken a million shots at each other by now. (-) But... he made a point about Jakey being the obvious target and about how it wouldn't be in my best interests to get Matt out. He makes a lot of sense. Matt's not gunning for me. It makes more sense for MJ to keep Jake than it does for me, and that's why MJ is the one pushing the Matt idea. Hm. (-) I'm worried for Ruthie on Andaman. She seems like the obvious round-delayed revolving-door boot. I don't like it, but I mean... who else am I going to vote? Not Steffen. As wishy washy as he is, he doesn't seem inclined to vote me out any time soon. And he's super pleasant to talk with when he's not hemming and hawing. Not Lydia or Jack for obvious reasons. Not Kait because duh. Not Carson because he's proven to be an even better ally than I'd anticipated. Ruthie fits into the Steffen category quite a bit, but she also wanted to keep Jake last round. And I know she's against Wes and MJ and Kait, three people who are in my corner. (-) Ugh. I don't like booting Ruthie again. She's the kind of person I'd love to see win if I couldn't. But strategically, our games have been at odds since the Wes vote. I'm trying to find a reason why it makes sense for me to keep her, and the only reasons that come up are applicable to everyone else on the tribe. Friendly. Fun to have around. Not likely targeting me any time soon (?). So I'm not gonna be the one to throw out the name. I need to bide my time and wait until it's beneficial for me to say a name again. Right now, I'm best served to keep my hopes up high, head down low. (-) God, imagine ANOTHER "lol we wouldn't send every tribe to tribal Ryan's not that evil! BUYBACK COMP!" bit. I'd die. (-) Super bummed to read about the VL leaks this morning. Who really wins from affecting the integrity of the game like that? There's plenty of information to process within the game without making the conscious decision to go outside it to gather more.

tl;dr: I like people, I'm dumb for not sharing adventure clues with my close ally, calling with Lydia is fun, targets are Jakey on Thotse and Ruthie on Andaman. Time to go to work.

Oh, and this list comp has always and will always suck mega donkey balls.

I said Thotse. I meant Kabru. Old habits die hard. #megara tribe is still best tribe

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I AM KAIT ON HER OTHER TRIBE HAVING SO MANY FINAL 2 DEALS THAT SHE COULDN'T SUBMIT A LIST! I HOPE THEY SEND HER PACKING, I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T RANK HER LAST HOW STUPID AM I? 

Kait I love you, I really do but I am going to be so salty if I get out before you. <3

Pat is my favorite thing about this game. 

as nice as it is to float, my name is bound to come up, and it has, from what pat tells me.

most likely, its ruthie going home on andaman, but i REALLY dont want that because she doesnt deserve it and i already feel bad for voting her.

also me and ruthie are just raging about how cliquey this season is

i feel like im about to Get Got™

I'm trying to make Andaman feel paranoid by telling them all to vote for me.  HOPEFULLY this will work and they will think I have an idol and my life will be spared.  This is either really genius or really stupid but I can't wait to see it all play out!  

Pat is legit my favorite person on Andaman though and I'm more than likely going to be voting him out so... we'll see. I'll probably be down to one life but I love little miracles <3

I really want to trust Jimmy/Jenn for this next vote but I'm awful nervous. I'm kinda half tempted to pull out the idol just to direct votes off me in case Owen has an idol. Apparently Jenn spoke with him to tell him he's leaving in game B which sucks because now if he has an idol he'd most likely play it in game A, which would send me home if he votes me, unless he'd like to revenge boot Jenn. I'm scared yet again that my time has come. I don't think Jimmy would lie to me though, but maybe I should push to shift the votes towards Logan should an idol appear...

also it looks like Matt will be "leaving" but I think he has sourced an idol which is great! Rooting for him all the way. 

[1/27/17, 8:54:15 PM] Ruthie: Who should I vote for on Andaman, why is no one suggesting names? D: [1/27/17, 8:55:24 PM] carson (tibet host): Idk people probably think you have an idol when you say to vote you so theyre scared sdjlsjkd [1/27/17, 8:58:06 PM] Ruthie: LOL I wish I had an idol. [1/27/17, 8:58:26 PM] Ruthie: Everyone is still voting for me right?

ESSSSSSSS.  The fact that this may work? Yes. <3 

i have a REALLY bad feeling about this tribal, and honestly, im just hoping i stay in both games.

if matt votes me like ruthie is saying and then plays an idol, im fucked. SO! i might throw a vote somewhere, who knows.

Hmm.