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rocorambles · 3 years

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Hit It Till It Breaks

Pairing: Oikawa x Reader

Genre/Warnings: Yandere, Mafia AU, NSFW, Drug Dealing, Dub-Con/Non-Con Sex, Dub-Con/Non-Con Drug Consumption, Drug Addiction, Manipulation, Humiliation, Degradation, Prostitution, Slight Pet Play

Prompt: Hard At Work

Summary: Growing up, you’d always loved fairy tales and happy endings. You’d always believed that despite how bad things might seem or get, there would be a light at the end of the tunnel. But you’re quickly realizing that this isn’t a fairy tale, that there is no happy ending, and that sometimes, you only go downhill, farther and farther from the light.

Author’s Note: This is my contribution for my HQ Discord Server’s NSFW collaboration. There are so many talented writers on the server and I highly encourage you to check out the collaboration masterlist to see how everyone decided to run with this spicy prompt.

(Thank you as always @sawamooora for helping me keep this a coherent degenerate mess~)

It’s hard to believe that bright eyed girl holding her college diploma in the photo on your nightstand was you not that long ago. And your heart clenches when you remember how hopeful you had been. So excited to venture out and experience life. Ready to enter the job market. Ready to be an adult.

Doors opened and closed. But you hadn’t let it deter you at first. It just wasn’t meant to be. You can’t expect to get the first job you interview for!

But then more and more doors opened, only to be shut in your face.Your rose-tinted glasses began to crack as your funds quickly dwindled, as you lowered your standards, desperately mass applying to any small time company vaguely related to your major, only to be turned away at every step.

And now, here you are, barely able to make rent, barely able to even feed yourself with the little you have from odd part-time jobs you’ve managed to stitch together into some sort of financial life line.

Well, you HAD been barely able to make rent, but your hands tremble when you stare at the letter notifying you that your rent will begin to increase starting next month, mind speeding into a panicked haze as you unsuccessfully try to think of what to do, how you can possibly afford to live even in this dump anymore. And before you even realize what you’re doing, you’re scrambling, stumbling to your bathroom, throwing open your medicine cabinet as you rummage for the little pills that you know will help slow down your racing thoughts and provide much needed clarity.

You swear everything seems clearer as soon as the smooth texture hits your tongue and you can finally breathe, slumping down on the cold tiles of your floor, pill bottle still clutched in your hand as you allow yourself to relax, praying for any ideas to flow through you. And it hits you like a ton of bricks when your grip on the plastic container accidentally loosens and the bottle clangs against the floor.

A humorless chuckle slips past your lips as you stare at the rolling cylinder.

Drug dealing. Fucking drug dealing.

You can’t believe you’re even thinking of going down this route, but your mind flashes back to old roommates, old friends, old classmates who had nonchalantly made a pretty bundle on the side, carelessly tossing around and selling all types of prescription drugs on campus. And you vividly remember how simple they had made it seem, how they had all gotten away with it. Scrumptious meals, pricey alcohol, far beyond a college palette, and beautiful clothing were the only “consequences” for their crimes.

If they could do it, you could too. Or so you’d like to think.

But as naive and ignorant as you are about this line of work, even you know there’s a difference between selling to silly college students on campus, and selling it at a popular nightclub owned by an infamous crime syndicate.

Even as far removed as you are from the more seedy underbelly of the new city you live in, you know of the Seijoh Syndicate. Everyone in town does. It’s hard not to when they literally run and own the entire place.

Oikawa Tooru and the rest of the Seijoh Four run their domain with an iron fist. They’re practically nonexistent, merely a scary story to keep people in line, for those who abide by the laws and keep their noses out of trouble, but an all too real nightmare for those who choose to defy them. And you shudder, remembering the horror stories you had heard of exactly what happens to those who decide to try and start their own nefarious business and practices on Seijoh streets without Oikawa’s permission.

But surely they wouldn’t pay you any mind? Right? Surely a mere girl in her early twenties selling the leftover prescription medicine she has in her cabinets for one night won’t do any harm?

Maybe it’s stupid to go to such a prevalent and well known club, especially one that’s notoriously favored by the Seijoh Four. But you convince yourself that it’s the most crowded venue in the area with a target demographic who’s guaranteed to buy you out, even at the obscene prices you plan on charging. How would anyone even notice you? Where else could you go? What options do you even have?

So despite the nervous pit swelling in your stomach, you soldier on, plastering a cheery smile at the bouncer who easily waves you in without a second glance, slipping into the sweaty mass of bodies, going deeper and deeper until you’re surrounded - skin, bones, and muscles pressing against you on all sides, safe from any prying eyes.

Or so you believe.

You know who the Seijoh Four are. You even know their names. But never have you met them, never have you ever seen a picture of what they each look like. Not that it would help you if you did when you’re so laser focused on finding potential customers, not even bothering to look around to see if anyone’s watching you. So you carry on, unaware of the four sets of eyes looking at you in amusement from their roost high above the writhing crowds.

There’s nothing subtle about the way you sloppily nudge people, practically shoving your pills in stranger’s faces, almost wildly waving your merchandise around you in a desperate attempt to pull in buyers. Sweaty nervous hands fumble as you exchange little plastic baggies for wads of cash and Matsukawa raises a brow in disbelief while Hanamaki cackles when you drop your merch and payment, getting on all fours on the trashed dance floor to recollect your goods.

It might be the most amusing show they’ve had in a while, but Iwaizumi feels a pang of pity at the wild hopeless look in your eyes and he swiftly stands, brusquely telling the other three that he’s going to go down and tell you off with just a warning, only to be stopped when Oikawa smoothly stands to his feet, effectively blocking Iwaizumi’s path.

“Now, now Iwa-chan. Don’t be so hasty. Let me go talk to the cutie. I’ve been so bored recently and she looks like she’ll be fun! Plus you’ll make her cry with that scary face of yours.”

Suddenly the sight of you bumbling around isn’t quite as entertaining as the remaining three men watch the brunette prowl towards you, heavy realization of what’s to come sombering the mood.

You’re frantic, flitting about the throngs of flailing limbs and swaying bodies, frustration from not being able to get through your supplies fast enough weighing at your conscious. Sure, you’ve managed to accrue some cash, but it’s not enough, not nearly enough to even feed yourself for the coming week let alone make a dent in the daunting rent that looms over you. And you can feel hot tears prick at the corner of your eyes when you see that it’s almost closing time and you’re still stuck with more than half your inventory, no closer to figuring out how to survive. So when a hand firmly rests on your shoulder, you whip around, ready to take your anger out on the poor soul who’s managed to catch you at the worst time. But you freeze, vicious words stuck in your mouth when you see the handsome man beaming down at you, a thick wad of rolled up bills haphazardly dangling from his fingers.

“I heard you might have some stuff I’d be interested in.”

You wonder if this is all a dream, if the man in front of you is (ironically a devilishly) handsome angel swooping into save you when he casually asks you how much stuff you still have, how much you’d be willing to sell everything for, not even blinking an eye at your outrageous price tag. You’re so stunned by how quick he is to call it a done deal, not resisting even a bit as he wraps his hand around your wrist, pulling you after him, saying some vague comments about wanting to go somewhere a little more private since it’s a bigger trade. All you can think about is how you’ll finally be able to eat something other than instant noodles and not have to worry about rent as you throw yourself back into interviewing, too lost in thoughts to be wary of how you’re being dragged farther and farther away from the rowdy crowd.

But the sound of a door slamming shut behind you jolts you back to reality and Oikawa fights back a laugh at how adorable you are, eyes blown wide like a deer in headlights as your head swivels side to side, dismay and panic making you tremble when you survey the private room you’re in, throat nervously gulping when you notice the three other occupants.

You’re so predictable and Oikawa just rolls his eyes fondly at how you swiftly turn around, trying to lunge towards the door in an attempt to escape, taking his time to leisurely make his way towards you, brown orbs taking in every inch of you as Matsukawa and Hanamaki hold your writhing body in place.

It’s so satisfying watching you crumble to pieces before his very eyes at just the mention of his name, despair and fear swirling beautifully on your face when he continues to introduce the rest of the Seijoh Four. It never gets old, that deliciously addicting feeling of power he feels when people tremble from just a few syllables and he relishes in your pleading apologies and your tears, patiently waiting for you to finish your little sob story, barely listening to the details as he focuses in on how gorgeous you are, broken and vulnerable.

And really, there’s no need for him to pay close attention to your blabbering anyway. It always comes down to one thing…

“So you need money, cutie? How about working for me?”

“Oye! Oikawa-”

“I’m just asking her some questions, Iwa-chan.”

There’s tense silence and your eyes nervously flicker back and forth between the two imposing figures staring each other down, green and brown eyes clashing in a silent argument. But as if they’ve somehow come to a conclusion, Iwaizumi tsks and looks away while Oikawa turns his attention back to you, a sickeningly cheerful grin on his face.

Blood curling fear lances through you and you’re almost grateful for the two pairs of strong arms holding you tight, their grip keeping you from falling to your knees as your legs threaten to give out under the pressure you feel as Oikawa thoughtfully looks at you.

You know the smart answer would be to adamantly say no and promptly figure out a way to leave this moment far behind you, even if it means forfeiting any money you had made tonight. But...a job is a job, right? And surely a job in the Seijoh Syndicate would be more lucrative than anything you’re doing now, right?

Oikawa hides a smile at the way he can see the cogs in your head turn, apprehension turning to curiosity as you stutter out questions about pay and what the job would entail. Desperation is a good look on anyone, but it suits you particularly well and just like that, hook, line, and sinker, he has a new cute live-in maid to replace the recently vacated role.

Working as Oikawa’s maid is more...normal than you would have expected. Not that you’re complaining and other than the embarrassing maid outfit he makes you wear, complete with frilly bow and garters, the chores are mundane. Bring breakfast to him and wake him. Clean his room and do his laundry when he’s away at meetings or jobs. Make sure guests have refreshments when they come over to his large estate, a mansion you now also call home.

If you’re honest, it’s much more relaxing than the multiple part-time jobs you had been juggling previously, and with free board, free food, and the substantial paycheck that regularly makes its way to your bank account, you can see your future brightening up again. When your duties are done for the day, you resume practicing for interviews and keeping up with the industry, feeling emboldened and empowered to finally resume working towards the career path you had always dreamed of.

But the more time you spend with Oikawa, the closer and more entangled in your life the brunette becomes. Alarm bells ring wildly in your head as you’re forced to join him for meals, forced to dress in elaborate gowns and jewelry while you’re waltzed around on his arm, forced to travel around the world with him, and attend to him like a glorified assistant. He’s too charming, too familiar, too bold, and you can’t help but feel like you’re racing towards some inevitable crash as he easily brushes aside any boundaries between the two of you.

You know so many women would kill to be in your shoes and you can understand why, not completely immune to his playful smile and the lilt of his voice yourself. But you know better, know exactly how dangerous it would be to get involved with a man like Oikawa Tooru.

It’s clear from the crimson stains on the clothes he leaves for you to either dispose of, or have cleaned. It’s clear from the wails and sobs of woman after woman he uses and tosses aside like garbage on an almost daily basis. It’s clear from the guns, knives, and weapons, most of which you don’t even know the name of, filling up all the walls, drawers, and cabinets.

So you do your best to keep your distance, building titanium walls around your heart. Always polite, too terrified of what would happen if you pissed him off, but cold enough to deter him from more amorously or intimately testing his boundaries.

And it seems to work as he turns his eyes towards other women, leaving you alone after throwing a few flirty comments and winks your way and ultimately falling in bed with some other poor damsel. But you nervously gulp when it’s just the two of you one night and just as you’re ready to make yourself scarce after turning down his bed and laying out his pajamas, his voice beckons you over and you anxiously bite your lower lip at the sight of pills of all shapes and sizes splayed out across his desk.

Other than your prescription medicine, you don’t have a lot of experience with drugs other than the few blunts here and there during your college years and you had always strictly kept to your recommended doses, never even entertaining the idea of taking more. So the sight in front of you is overwhelming and you hesitantly stare anywhere but at the table surface, anxiously waiting for Oikawa to explain why he called you over. But what you’re not expecting is the warm hand gently grasping your wrist and holding your arm out, small objects being carefully placed in your outstretched palm, and soft coaxing from Oikawa to “give them a try”.

Every part of you is screaming to throw the pills and make a run for it, begging you to come up with some excuse or just outright reject his offer. But it’s as if your body is frozen and he firmly pushes your hand to your mouth, grip tightening enough to make you wince when you hesitate to listen. The slight pain is enough to remind you that you’re not exactly in any position to negotiate and you force yourself to down the pills and gulp down the glass of water he holds to your lips.

The last thing you remember is the unsettling feeling of beginning a descent to an unknown place from which there is no return as Oikawa pulls you to his bed. And then euphoria floods through you as your body slots against his larger frame.

It feels good. Too good. Unnaturally good. But it’s intoxicating and you can’t help but let yourself drown in the hazy waves crashing down upon you, feeling lighter, freer, happier than you have for years. You vaguely register roaming hands, a hot wet mouth, a body on top of yours, something hard pressing against the apex of your thighs, filling you, consuming you in heady pleasure only amplified by the drugs coating your insides.

Bliss. Pleasure. Pure unadulterated joy. And then nothing.

When you come to, the weight of what had happened last night comes crashing down on you, making your foggy mind throb even more and you can feel bile rising inside of you as a toned arm around your waist tightens its hold on you. Oikawa grunts in annoyance when you claw your way out from his hold, scampering on shaky legs to his bathroom, heaving and expelling the contents of your stomach, trying futilely to cleanse yourself of your employer’s touch.

You flinch when you hear footsteps approach, shrinking into the corner of the tiled room, body crouched and curled into a tight ball as you try to save any shred of dignity you still have by hiding your naked body as much as you can from his prying eyes. Salty drops threaten to trail down your face when he hovers over you, sweetly cooing down at you “not to be like this”, “you liked it so much last night”, “come back to bed with me” only to stream down your face when his countenance swiftly changes, handsome face glowering down at you before brusquely turning away and snapping at you to “get on with your work then if you’re going to be an annoying bitch”.

It’s easy to convince yourself that you’re just being smart, just trying to survive as you obediently wash up and don your humiliating uniform, that it isn’t just you being a coward as you submissively go about your usual work day, still sitting with thighs pressed against Oikawa’s legs at meals, making no move to brush off the heavy arm he slings around your shoulders, only slightly flinching when his fingertips teasingly play with the hem of your skirt as he converses with the rest of the Seijoh Four.

But you can’t deny that all you are is a weak fool, desperate to live when you shakily accept the pills he pushes towards you again that night, silently crying yet not doing anything to prevent the inevitable as you swallow any self-respect or pride you had along with the smooth pellets under his watchful gaze, too scared of the glimmer of gunmetal you see on the inside of his jacket to even think of resisting.

And history repeats itself. Over and over again.

Oikawa smiles at how different you are from that skittish creature who fled from his every touch, smirking at how naive and innocent you still are as you try to hide how eager you are for your daily dose, unaware of how he’s slowly been increasing it every night, ignorant of how you unconsciously lean into his touches, pretty lips wrapping around his fingers as he hand feeds you.

Do you know what an animal you are in bed these days? Do you realize how little there is left to differentiate you from one of his filthy whores when you’re so doped up on whatever he gives you, moaning like a pornstar and leaving vicious red claw marks on his skin as you bounce on his cock?

And he knows it’s time to move onto the next phase of your conditioning when there’s not even a speck of shame in your clear eyes when the sunlight begins to filter through the window, knowingly smiling in satisfaction when instead of slinking off to wallow in your regret you shimmy down between his legs and begin to nuzzle and mouth his morning wood, face full of nothing but wanton desire as you take his cock in your mouth.

He doesn’t give you anything that night. Or the next night. Or the one after that. He doesn’t so much as even look at you outside of your usual eye contact, not a single flirtatious word slipping past his lips.

You should be grateful. This is what you wanted, right? To keep things strictly professional between the two of you. To not be coerced into the artificial pleasure you’ve been swallowing on a daily basis for the last month now. To not feel like just another warm body for Oikawa to taint.

Your interview notes and open tab of job listings are right there, begging for your attention, practically screaming at you to pursue the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Yet here you are, not even a week later, on your knees in between Oikawa’s legs as he leisurely reclines in his chair, peppering his inner thighs with kisses and rubbing your face against the growing bulge in his trousers, begging and pleading for another dose, feeling utterly empty and cold inside, unable to sleep, unable to focus, unable to function without the nights of hazy ecstasy.

Your heart drops at the long disappointed sigh the brunette releases.

“Drugs are expensive, cutie. I was just being nice and letting you try some new batches we’ve been producing, but now that they’re on the market, I can’t just keep on giving them to you for free.”

He rolls his eyes when you adamantly tell him you’ll pay whatever the price is, a condescending smirk splitting his face from how quick you are to shut up, soul crushed when he reveals the extravagant cost, a price he knows you can’t afford with the salary he’s providing you with.

But he artfully softens his smile as he begins to unbuckle his pants, sliding the fabric down and letting his throbbing cock spring into view, chuckling when it lightly slaps your face as it’s released from its confines, wondering if you’re drooling from the sight of his erection or the pills he’s playfully placing along the length of it.

“I know you don’t have that money, cutie. But I’d be willing to accept other forms of payments.”

The words are barely out of his mouth before you’re rushing to take him in his mouth and he loudly laughs at how obscene you look, slobbering all over his length, fervently bobbing your head up and down, hastily trying to deep throat him to reach the pill strategically placed right at the base of his shaft, lips puckering as you inhale the drugs, swallowing around him in a way that has him groaning as you stuff your face full of chemicals and pre-cum. And it doesn’t take much longer for him to wash your mouth and throat with warm rivulets of sticky white fluids as he watches the goods take effect, his balls tightening and cock straining with arousal as you reach between your legs, fingers playing with your tight dripping hole while your lewd moans vibrate against him.

It’s pathetically endearing how you can’t keep off of him after that, insisting on sitting on his lap during meals, your cute ass grinding against his clothed cock, always dropping to your knees in between chores, warming his cock in your greedy mouth, always asking him how many pills you’ve earned so far. You really are just his little slutty drug addict now, aren’t you?

But he needs you to be more than that, needs you to learn that you belong to anyone who’s willing to give you the high you crave, needs you to realize that you’re just a free use drug addicted whore for anyone and everyone to use.

So despite how tempting it is to just plunge balls deep inside your tight little pussy, he shoves you off of him one night as you try to grind against his body, feigning exhaustion and boredom of your body, watching in amusement at the panicked crazed look that flashes across your face at his words. Well aren’t you a beautiful sight, throwing yourself at his feet and groveling, saying you’ll do anything for another dose.

Anything, huh?

In your defense, even through the daze of your withdrawal, there’s still a wary expression on your face when Matsukawa and Hanamaki enter the room. Maybe you aren’t as broken as Oikawa had thought. But when you see the little baggies filled with the tablets you’ve become far too familiar with twirling between the duo’s fingers, you practically lunge at them and Oikawa finally allows himself the pleasure of reaching into his pants and stroking himself to the debauched sight playing out in front of him.

Maybe he needs to fuck you in front of a mirror more often if this is what you look like from an outside perspective. It’s like you were made to be used, to be just a warm toy for men to use and Oikawa can’t help but think you look best like this, cocks penetrating both your front and back holes, your body squeezed between two bodies. And he fondly smiles at how you have Hanamaki’s face between the palms of your hands, your lips locked in a sloppy kiss as your tongue ravages the strawberry blonde’s mouth, searching for the pills the man had playfully placed on the tip of his tongue in front of your very eyes before winking at you and telling you to come and get them yourself if you wanted them so badly.

They keep your daily training a surprise, mixing up who gets to wreck your body each day, how many cocks and rounds of cum you’ll need to pay with, what pills and dosage you get. Always keeping you lost and confused, making sure your mind is just a muddled mess that can only think of reaching your next high by any means necessary.

Hell, even Iwaizumi takes part when he realizes that you’re beyond the point of no return, that Oikawa wasn’t joking when he said that there is no other choice for you anymore. This is your life now. This is who you are now. This is your “happily ever after”. He knows all that, can see all that in the way your dazed eyes only come to life at the sight of your addiction, your otherwise listless body perking up at the sound of the tiny objects rattling in their container. And yet a small sliver of guilt has him growling at you to get on all fours, ensuring your face isn’t visible, turning you into just another body for him to mindlessly use as he pleases.

It’s an uncomfortable position, borderline painful as your knees rock back and forth on the hard floor with every brutal thrust of Iwaizumi’s hips. But you don’t care, the aching pain in your legs just dull background noise as you fixate on the tablets scattered on the floor in front of your face, dropping your entire upper body low to the ground, only your hips raised high as your mouth snaps forward. You’re so close and you mewl as your lips make contact with the first pill, uncaring of the pitiful sight you make licking and lapping the floor, whimpering when a hand firmly grabs you by the hair and roughly pulls your face away from your feast.

“Maybe we should get you a dog bowl, cutie. It’s humiliating even for you to be eating from the dirty floor like that. Hold her hair for me, Iwa-chan.”

You crane your neck back and forth, jaw jutting forward as you frantically fight against the tight grip holding you back, mouth drooling and tongue extending like a ravenous animal. But it’s no use and you whine, too focused on your unfinished “meal” to notice how Oikawa is still standing in front of you, cock pulled out from his pants, his hands rapidly fisting the shaft. And only when thick white spurts glaze the remaining pills do you whip your attention towards him, staring with hopeful wide eyes when he crouches in front of you and grabs your face.

“When Iwa-chan lets go of your hair, you’ll get to have the rest of your treats, but you also have to eat the special seasoning I’ve generously given you, okay? If I see even a speck of it left, you’re not getting anything tomorrow, understand?”

Oikawa laughs at how vigorously you nod your head and with a nod in Iwaizumi’s direction, you’re released and the two men watch on as you lick the floor until it’s sparkling clean, slumping your face in the mess of your own drying saliva as you reach euphoria once more. You wail as Iwaizumi shoves you off a cliff and into floating clouds of bliss with one last thrust, the drugs in your system weaving a comforting cocoon around you that you melt into, unable to escape its soothing pull, giggling in content as his seed fills you to the brim.

There’s silence as Iwaizumi pulls out of you, tucking himself back into his pants before sitting besides Oikawa, joining him as he continues observing your used and drugged up body sprawled across the floor, a dopey smile on your face as cum begins to leak out of your spent pussy.

Minutes pass and Iwaizumi sighs, knowing what Oikawa is waiting for him to ask despite how insistent he has been over the years about not wanting to be involved in this particular side of the business...

“Are you going to have her start working at the brothel soon? She seems just about ready.”

“Not yet. I want to give her a few test runs first before I have her work full-time at that establishment. She’s only been with the four of us, so I’m curious to see how she is with a complete stranger. It’s perfect timing too since Sawamura is coming over for a meeting soon and I know he won’t damage the goods if I gift her to him for a night or two. Plus, she hasn’t completely lost her mind yet so we can get some more use out of her before we toss her aside...”

The brunette rambles on, tone light and airy as if he’s just discussing the weather or a TV show he watched, as if he’s not mere feet away from a woman he’s utterly destroyed and rebuilt into just another brainless profit-making doll.

And Iwaizumi tunes him out, already having heard almost this exact speech countless times by now, unable to even keep track of how many others like you there have been in the past, unwilling to think about how many more there will be in the future. But he snorts at Oikawa’s typical closing line.

“I guess it’s almost time to find a new cute maid.”

#haikyuu smut #yandere haikyuu #yandere oikawa #yandere oikawa x reader #oikawa x reader #tw: yandere #tw: drugging #tw: drugs #tw: addiction #tw: noncon #tw: dubcon

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cheri-translates · 4 years

Text

[CN] 100 Days - Victor (Day 51 - 100)

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for e-mails which have not been released in English servers! 🍒

What’s the 100 Days Companionship Event?

Day 1 - 3: here

Day 4 - 30: here

Day 31 - 50: here

Day 51

Tonight, we’ll watch that musical you like. Don’t be late, and dress formally.

Day 52

I’ve seen your report. Its contents aren’t comparable to the supper takeout list from last night. Redo it.

Day 53

A pink apron? You think it suits me?

Day 54

Today, let’s visit that Internet cafe you mentioned - to take a look at what you’ve been pining after.

Day 55

The equestrian facility we went to before has recently opened again. If you’re interested, we can have a look together.

Day 56

There isn’t as disparate a connection between dreams and reality as you think. Dreaming about lions means that you shouldn’t watch animal documentaries before sleeping.

Day 57

It’s okay to use my voice as an alarm clock. But why did you set five of them?

Day 58

I saw you coughing a little during the meeting yesterday. The difference in temperature between day and night has been very large lately. If you have time, come over and have some snow pear soup.

Day 59

The black cat brooch you were wearing isn’t bad. It’s much more suitable than those incomprehensible sports shoes you’re wearing.

Day 60

You’ve been doing well recently. Do you have any plans over the weekend? Or should I plan them?

Day 61

The look you have when you crinkle your eyes to eat pudding - it’s even more Pudding than Pudding.

Day 62

The dogwood perfume sachet is already on the table. The chrysanthemum liquor needs a few more hours. There’s no need to be so impatient.

Day 63

The next time you can’t sleep, there’s no need to leave so many messages of you talking to yourself. Just call me directly.

Day 64

In this weather, don’t even think of having a cold beverage. Pick a hot beverage you want to drink, and I’ll make it for you.

Day 65

You concluded that the reason for your hair loss was work. So staying up late to use your phone is not to blame?

Day 66

If you want to eat something, just say it directly. There’s no need to post hints like “When the weather is cold, one should eat cream stew” on Moments.

Day 67

There are only two more months left to the year. Looks like the proposals you haven’t finished will be delayed till next year.

Day 68 (Halloween)

Title: Masquerade

If you want me to participate in the masquerade with you, just say so directly. There’s no need to beat around the bush. I’ve already received the entrance tickets, and will pick you up tonight.

Day 69

You were clamouring about playing the part of a Rose Witch, but you’ve become a Caught-a-Cold Witch today.

Day 70

The hoarser your voice, the more it expresses want. You have a lot of such worrying habits.

Day 71

It’s not that time doesn’t want to wait for you, but you spend too much time on useless hobbies.

Day 72

Managing your emotions is to allow yourself to mediate your emotions smoothly, not for you to hold everything in, dummy.

Day 73

That winter mountain villa you’ve been hinting at for a long time has started business. There are some themed suites - pick one.

Day 74

Someone usually doesn’t have a large appetite, but when it comes to her favourite foods, she always leaves me awed.

Day 75

Like many other things, there’s a limit to drinking. Being slightly tipsy is best. Don’t get drunk, especially if it’s you.

Day 76

There was a cat sleeping in the claw machine in the market. Even after getting the staff to open the claw machine, it still didn’t wake up. It’s just as nitwitted as you are.

Day 77

Not going to your own place, and even taking up other people’s territory… Looks like Pudding learnt it from you.

Day 78

Don’t buy too many useless items because you’re tempted. Just because there are many discounted items doesn’t mean you need them.

Day 79 (Single’s Day)

If I receive another meaningless message from you such as “Help me slash the price”, the thing that will be slashed could be the funds for your next program.

Day 80

If you have time to reminisce the past, why don’t we do the things you find worth remembering together once more?

Day 81

Refreshing the notifications for your deliveries a hundred times each day won’t make them arrive earlier. But the scheduled sumptuous meal can be brought forward by an hour.

Day 82

I don’t do meaningless hypothesis. If I had never met you? I won’t allow for such ‘if’s to happen..

Day 83

Things that I have decided upon have some leeway of changing. It depends on what you have that is worth exchanging it with.

Day 84

Chanced on the photograph you took with Pudding. Both the person and the cat haven’t changed much. It’s pretty good.

Day 85

Instead of imagining how we’d be like next year, why not spare some time to write a Year 2021 work plan to turn your ideal into reality.

Day 86

You weren’t around when I passed by your office yesterday. But the mess on your office desk surpassed my imagination.

Day 87

The coffee beans you felt were pretty good in terms of taste the last time - I’ve asked someone to bring some back again. Remember to collect it tonight.

Day 88

There’s a new special product in Souvenir today. Are you sure you’re going to keep saying that you haven’t had an appetite these two days?

Day 89

All I did was pinch the nape of your neck. Why are you staring at me like Pudding?

Day 90

It’s the first time I realised that reading comics during working hours can also be termed “gathering source material”. So is chatting with me termed “discussing a collaborative project?”

Day 91

A certain person has been signing in at increasingly later times. The closer one is to the end, the more one can’t slack off.

Day 92

Someone who has only won “one free bottle” a few times is always thinking of trying the lottery - truly indulging in the wildest fantasies.

Day 93

…I just mentioned it yesterday and you’ve won the fifth prize today. It’s truly a dummy’s luck.

Day 94

I might have believed your nonsense of being able to find inspiration while lying down, had you not fallen asleep on the sofa last night.

Day 95

If you have time to write a lengthy plan, why not put the plan to action immediately?

Day 96

Sometimes, I’d take a look at previous sign-ins and recollect the things a dummy has done.

Day 97

You’re usually too tired to even move after exercising for a while. Yet, you run faster than anyone else when collecting take-out.

Day 98

Every one of your so-called surprises tests a person’s psychological tolerance.

Day 99

There’s no need feel troubled that the signing in is about to end. As long as you want to, I can continue this childish game with you.

Day 100

It’s the last day. The next round of company doesn’t require signing in. I’ll always be here.

25 notes · View notes

bananaofswifts · 4 years

Text

By : Callie Ahlgrim and Courteney Larocca

Taylor Swift released her eighth studio album, "Folklore," on Friday.

Swift surprised fans by announcing its release just one day in advance — and less than one year after the release of her acclaimed seventh album "Lover."

"Most of the things I had planned this summer didn't end up happening, but there is something I had planned that DID happen," she wrote on social media. "And that thing is my 8th studio album, folklore. Surprise!"

She described "Folklore," stylized in all lowercase, as "an entire brand new album of songs I've poured all of my whims, dreams, fears, and musings into."

Much of the 16-song tracklist — 17 on the deluxe edition — was cowritten and produced by The National's Aaron Dessner. Smaller pieces were cowritten by Bon Iver, Jack Antonoff, and someone named William Bowery. Antonoff also produced five songs.

Insider's music team (reporter Callie Ahlgrim and celebrity and music editor Courteney Larocca) listened to the new album on our own, jotting down our initial thoughts track by track.

Almost immediately, we were forced to reckon with the fact that "Folklore" might be Swift's best album yet — potentially even better than "Red," which previously seemed like it couldn't be topped. We were stunned with the mature, poetic, stunningly understated collection of new songs.

Here is what we thought of each song on "Folklore" upon first listen. (Skip to the end to see the only songs worth listening to and the album's final score.)

"The 1" is the best album opener Swift has had in years.

Ahlgrim: "I'm doing good, I'm on some new s---" is a wild way to begin a new Taylor Swift album. This is going to be different.

This is easily the best intro song she's released in years. "The 1" far surpasses "I Forgot That You Existed" on "Lover," "...Ready for It?" on "Reputation," and "Welcome to New York" on "1989" in terms of sheer quality.

It's also an engaging scene-setter; I find myself gently rocking back and forth, eyes closed, smiling without realizing. It's only the first song and so far, I am totally grasping the woodsy aesthetic of this album. I'm already ready for more.

Larocca: I would argue that there hasn't been a strong album opener on one of Swift's albums since "State of Grace" on "Red" in 2012. "The 1" breaks that curse.

I was vibing from that very first piano note, but when Swift comes in and warmly delivers the first line of the album — "I'm doing good, I'm on some new s---" — it became evident this project wouldn't be anything like the rest of her discography.

As far as "The 1" goes as a standalone song, it's incredibly solid. Swift has a breezy attention to rhythm as she paints a tale of a the-one-who-got-away romance. I truly, truly love it. This might end up being an all-time favorite track.

"Cardigan" is beautifully influenced by Lana Del Rey.

Ahlgrim: I heard "Cardigan" first because I watched the music video before I listened to the album.

Right off the bat, I was struck by the Lana Del Rey melody in the chorus; I jotted down "folksy 'Blue Jeans.'"

Swift has actually cited Del Rey as an inspiration in the past, so this makes sense — and that particular shade of nostalgic, haunting glamour really works for Swift's voice, so I'm overall very impressed with this direction. I am more than amenable to a "Red" meets "Norman F---ing Rockwell!" album experience. On my second time around listening, sans music video, "Cardigan" already feels richer coming after "The 1."

This time, I'm struck by small lyrical details like "Sequined smile, black lipstick," a clear callback to her past eras, and "Tried to change the ending / Peter losing Wendy," an effective way to evoke young love and innocence lost.

I also think the song's central refrain, "When you are young they assume you know nothing," is clean and sharp and — especially given Swift's public struggles with sexism and years-old contracts — extremely poignant.

Larocca: I had the thought that Swift listens to Lana Del Rey after hearing "Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince" on last year's "Lover," but now I know for sure that Del Rey is an influence on Swift.

While "Cardigan" isn't what I thought this album would be like sonically, I'm overjoyed at how clearly singer-songwriter this album already is. I've been waiting years for Swift to make a lyrical marvel set to acoustic, warm, folksy instrumentals and it's here.

(And while I expected something different sonically, I am not mad at all by the backing instrumental choices here.)

"The Last Great American Dynasty" proves Swift is a natural storyteller.

Ahlgrim: Personally, I love Storyteller Taylor, so this is quite literally music to my ears.

There are so many delicious details here to unpack. The first verse, with its subtle sexist whisperings about Rebekah Harkness ("How did a middle-class divorcée do it?" and "It must have been her fault his heart gave out"), is a truly savvy way to set up for the song's eventual reveal.

Rebekah spent her time partying with friends, funding the ballet, playing card games with Salvador Dalí, somehow "ruining everything" — and her Holiday House was "free of women with madness" until Swift herself moved in.

That twist in the bridge is poetic genius. When the final chorus adjusts to the present day, underscoring the parallels between Rebekah and Swift, I'm forcefully reminded of an iconic bridge when Romeo finally proposed and changed everything — but Swift has evolved past daydreams of pure white dresses and fathers giving permission.

Larocca: I'm immediately taken back to 2012's "Starlight" when "The Last Great American Dynasty" starts. Thankfully, this song ends up being a lot better than "Starlight," which always felt more like a filler track on "Red" to me.

I love a lot here: the casual use of "b----," the acute attention to detail ("She stole his dog and dyed it key lime green"), and every version of this line: "There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen."

I had a marvelous time listening to this song.

"Exile," featuring Bon Iver, is one of Swift's most successful duets to date.

Ahlgrim: Swift and Bon Iver, aka Justin Vernon, are two of the best songwriters alive today, so this song was destined to be breathtaking.

Swift has historically had difficulty allowing her voice and vision to coexist with a featured artist; her collaborations often leave me feeling like she should've just delivered the whole song herself.

But Swift and Vernon were able to weave their lyrics together so gracefully, I was left feeling grateful for his presence. His rich, rustic tone and those iconic hummed harmonies lends the regretful song an added coat of sincerity.

The production here is generally fine, but the layered instrumentals in the ending really bring the song together. I love a dramatic exit.

Larocca: When I see a "featuring Bon Iver" on a track, I instantly assume Vernon is going to come in with his high falsetto. So it was almost jarring that the song starts with Vernon sounding like a lumberjack dad who hasn't left the woods in a decade.

That didn't end up being a detriment, though. Swift sounds delicate on her verse, and their vocals contrast nicely later on the track.

This one also brings to mind her collab "The Last Time" with Snow Patrol's Gary Lightbody. The line "I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending" is also reminiscent of "If This Was a Movie."

I'm obsessed with the clear influences Swift's previous discography had on these tracks, which have also so far felt completely unique to her catalog.

"My Tears Ricochet" is an extraordinary display of Swift's songwriting powers.

Ahlgrim: First of all, "My Tears Ricochet" is an incredible song title. Let's take a moment to appreciate that.

In fact, pretty much every line of this song is arresting.

Much of it feels both familiar and rare, like you know exactly what Swift is singing about, but hadn't thought to put it in those words before — which is, in my opinion, the mark of any good piece of writing but especially a breakup song. You can relate to the emotion, if not the particular details. You can hear the pain. It almost plays like a funeral march.

What a gift it is, what an exhilarating experience, to feel like you're listening to a poem being recited in real-time.

Larocca: Any true Swiftie knows that track five is reserved for the most vulnerable moment on the record, so I went into "My Tears Ricochet" ready to be sad.

I am endlessly impressed with how Swift managed to bake the word "ricochet" into this song so effectively. She also ditched her traditional song structure for this one, and instead built the track from peak to peak, utilizing clever lyrics along the way to tell an epic, devastating story, almost obviously calling back to the most beloved track five of "All Too Well."

I'm calling it now — this one is going to age like a fine wine. As all of Swift's best breakup ballads do.

"Mirrorball" is several strokes of genius.

Ahlgrim: This song gives me intense Clairo vibes, and I mean that as a very high compliment.

It's so fun and refreshing to hear Swift slip into different musical styles, and this shimmery take on alternative-bedroom-pop highlights her soft vocals and nuanced songwriting supremely well.

Also, my Leo sensibilities are fully under attack by this bridge: "I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try / I'm still on that trapeze / I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me." Oof! Just tag me next time.

Larocca: This one is so pretty! Swift's vocals sound better than ever as she spins on her highest heels across a glittery daydream.

"I'm a mirrorball / I'll show you every version of yourself tonight" might be the thesis statement of this entire album. So far, "Folklore" feels both diaristic and vague; detailed and completely anonymous.

Fans will be debating for years whether this album is about Swift's own life, or if it's simply really great storytelling pulled directly from her own mind. In the end, it doesn't really matter.

Because as all of Swift's best songs do, these songs will attach themselves to listeners in completely new ways, showing them elements and stories from their own lives.

"Seven" is pure whimsical magic.

Ahlgrim: This is playing make-believe in the garden when you're too young to feel self-conscious; it's poetic and nostalgic and full of awe in such an unpretentious way.

I wouldn't change one thing about this song. Swift's whispery high register sounds divine, and at this point in the tracklist, her rhythmic delivery in the chorus hits like a shot of espresso.

Right now, I'm wondering if it's possible for Swift to maintain this intrigue and momentum for another nine songs. There hasn't been a misstep to speak of, and I remain wholly beguiled. Can it last?

Larocca: The beginning of "Seven" sounds like Swift listened to Marina's "Orange Trees" on repeat before showing up to her songwriting session. Fortunately, "Orange Trees" is the only song I like on Marina's "Love + Fear" so I will gladly accept this inspiration.

Swift continues to impress with both her vocals and her sense of rhythm on "Seven." I also personally love space imagery so the line "Love you to the moon and to Saturn" is a standout line.

"August" will go down as one of the best songs in Swift's extensive repertoire.

Ahlgrim: I'm immediately catching hints of Phoebe Bridgers and girl in red in Swift's delivery. And I simply adore the idea that Swift has spent the last few months sitting at home, daydreaming about summertime humidity and listening to music by queer indie-pop girls.

In an album full of songwriting expertise, this song has some of Swift's best lines yet: "August sipped away like a bottle of wine / 'Cause you were never mine" actually hurts me.

In my notes, there simply sits this valuable insight (yes, in all-caps): "WANTING WAS ENOUGH. FOR ME IT WAS ENOUGH TO LIVE FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL." This song has my favorite bridge on the album so far.

In terms of production, "August" is exquisite. It's lush and layered without feeling overwhelming at any point. It builds to the perfect level then recedes, like a wave.

Also worth mentioning: It can now be considered a historical fact that any time Swift mentions a car or driving in one of her songs, it's a perfect song.

Larocca: While listening to "August," I texted Callie and said, "I can't wait to finish the album so I can relisten to 'August.'" It's an instant favorite.

This is also the first track on the album that seems directly inspired by our current state. Not because she's expressing fear or singing about being bored at home, but because she so easily slips into a reflection of a relationship that ended years ago with a newfound wave of wistful nostalgia.

When quarantine started, it seemed like a million lifestyle articles came out explaining why everyone suddenly felt compelled to text their exes and why we're so invested in looking back instead of forward right now.

"August" validates those feelings with zero judgment, letting its listener know that yes, it's totally normal for you to be overanalyzing that quasi-relationship you were in back in college that never made it past graduation. Am I projecting? Maybe, but that's debatably what Swift's music is best utilized for.

I'm also going to be thinking about this song's bridge and outro for the rest of my life.

The National's influence can be felt on the stunning "This Is Me Trying."

Ahlgrim: "This Is Me Trying" quickly strikes a more sinister tone than its predecessors — still nostalgic and wistful, but carrying an edge, like a threatening secret.

Ironically, this one was co-written and co-produced by Jack Antonoff, not Aaron Dessner, though I can really hear The National's influence here. I'm getting strong wafts of songs like "Pink Rabbits" and "Dark Side of the Gym."

Based on Swift's own words, we can speculate that "This Is Me Trying" is a fictional tale, built around the image of "a 17-year-old standing on a porch, learning to apologize." And, as previously stated, I'm a big fan of Storyteller Taylor, so I'm into it.

The song's darker tone mingles really well with Swift's imagery; when you're a teenager, and you make a mistake, it can feel like the end of the world.

Larocca: "This Is Me Trying" is precisely what I imagined this album sounding like when I found out Swift collaborated with the National's Aaron Dessner and Bon Iver.

But I'm glad she was strategic about her use of echo and also finally paid attention to the tracklisting from a sonic standpoint. This haunting soundscape is reminiscent of 2014's "This Love" and comes in right when you need it after the yearning daydream of "August."

I'd also like it to be on the record that the line "I got wasted like all my potential" ruined me and this song is a win for that lyric alone.

"Illicit Affairs" is a glowing example of what sets Swift apart from her peers as a songwriter.

Ahlgrim: The expert songwriting on "Illicit Affairs" reminds me of the as-yet unseated queen in Swift's discography: "All Too Well."

Swift is a master of wielding specific details like weapons: "What started in beautiful rooms / Ends with meetings in parking lots," she sings. "Leave the perfume on the shelf / That you picked out just for him." These are the sorts of images that set Swift apart, and they're especially strong when she punctuates their delivery with a little growl in her voice.

This song has real power. I have chills.

That power is magnified in the third verse, similar to how "All Too Well" builds to a crescendo: "Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me."

Certainly, "Illicit Affairs" is more restrained than Swift's iconic arena rock ballad, but goddamn that last verse hits hard.

Larocca: The way that she says "him" in the second verse shook me out of my skin in the very best way. And "Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this idiotic fool that you made me" will go down as one of her best breakup lines of all time.

It's been a minute since Swift delivered a painstakingly beautiful breakup ballad, and the fact that this album is littered with them is, simply, a gift.

"Illicit Affairs" has growing power and will likely become one of those tracks that fans form a strong emotional attachment to over time.

"Invisible String" is Taylor Swift at her most Taylor Swift.

Ahlgrim: "Invisible String" is a feast of Easter eggs and callbacks.

"Teal was the color of your shirt" reminds me of the line about Joe Alwyn's blue eyes on "Delicate," and her reference to a dive bar is similarly familiar. "Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs" recalls the push-and-pull on "Exile."

"Bad was the blood of the song in the cab" is undoubtedly a reference to Swift's 2015 single "Bad Blood," while "One single thread of gold / Tied me to you" feels like a nod to Swift's description of love's "golden" hue on the "Lover" album closer "Daylight."

This song is sprightly and sparkly and certainly nice to listen to, but its real strength lies in these details.

Swift is weaving many different stories on this album, many connected by a sort of "Invisible String," tying different pieces of her life and your life and other lives together. It ends up feeling like a growing plant with far-reaching roots, or a sentient treasure map.

Larocca: I'd be lying if I said there weren't multiple points throughout this album where I worried that Swift and her boyfriend Joe Alwyn had broken up.

Thankfully, "Invisible String" is a rosy, wide-eyed ode to love. The plucky guitar paired with Swift's soft vocals is a sound I want to live in, which is fitting since this track feels like coming home.

Every small detail, from the nod to Alwyn's time spent working at a frozen yogurt shop in his youth, to the color imagery that paints every inflection of Swift's adoration (especially the single thread of gold) come together to lay the holy ground Swift's relationship walks on.

Also, the image of Swift mailing Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner gifts for their expectant first child brings about an unbridled sense of joy.

"Mad Woman" is yet another highlight.

Ahlgrim: Every time I think I've heard the peak of this album's songwriting potential, Swift manages to surprise me.

Case in point: "Do you see my face in the neighbor's lawn? / Does she smile? / Or does she mouth, 'F--- you forever?'" Whoa.

And another, for good measure: "It's obvious that wanting me dead / Has really brought you two together." I texted Courteney, "Did she really just say that??"

This song is sublime on its own, but the way it ties back into the perception of female freedom and "madness" on "The Last Great American Dynasty" makes it even better. "Mad Woman" is definitely a personal favorite so far on this album, if not in Swift's entire catalog.

Larocca: "Mad Woman" will forever hold the honor of being the first song in which Swift says "f---" and for that, we should all be thankful.

I was also so wrapped up in the storytelling of this album, that it took a minute for this to even register that this is likely about the Scooter Braun and Scott Borchetta / Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West ordeals of Swift's past. These callouts used to be so obvious, that I greatly appreciate the subtlety and restraint here.

It almost feels like these feuds were a lifetime ago, but this track does an excellent job at showcasing how anger and pain can leave an indelible mark on you. Swift went mad years ago, and that's just an accepted part of her narrative now.

But for the first time, her rage sounds like freedom.

"Epiphany" doesn't stand out.

Ahlgrim: There are some really interesting vocal moments on "Epiphany," but so far, this is the only song I haven't felt captivated by. It's a bit snoozy, and a bit too long.

This song clearly references war, the loss of a loved one, and the coronavirus pandemic, which makes it lyrically intriguing at best — but distressing at worst. I don't mind letting the overall effect waft over me, but this won't be a song I revisit outside the context of the album.

Larocca: "Epiphany" is the only track on "Folklore" that didn't immediately grab me. It's essentially a war drama in song format, so some people might like it, but I truly couldn't care less about war movies or war songs! So it's not my favorite, but it makes for pretty background music.

"Epiphany" does have another benefit though: Now, whenever some random dude erroneously claims Swift "only writes songs about her exes," fans have a clear song in her discography that they can point to and be like, "That's not true. This one's about war."

That's not to say Swift needed that — anyone who has been paying attention understands she's quite possibly the best songwriter of her generation.

This just happens to be further proof of that fact.

"Betty" is a charming callback to Swift's country roots.

Ahlgrim: "Betty" is like the best, sauciest song from Swift's 2006 debut country album that no one got to hear. It has sonic and lyrical similarities to hits like "Our Song" and "Tim McGraw," plus some name-dropping stuff like 2008's "Hey Stephen," plus a little harmonica thrown in for good measure! I love that for us.

"Betty" also appears to complete a three-song story, recalling details from "Cardigan" and "August" to close the loop on Betty and James, a couple in high school with some infidelity issues.

Looking back, it feels like "Cardigan" was told from Betty's perspective, while "August" was told from the perspective of a sort of "other woman" character. Now, we get James' side of the story. This is high art, folks! This is peak Storytelling Taylor!

"Betty" is also, like, very gay? I know it's easy to assume that James is a male character, but Swift herself was named after James Taylor, so she could be referring to herself. The song also references someone named Inez; James and Inez are the names of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively's daughters.

Plus, in retrospect, the idea of whispering "Are you sure? Never have I ever before" during a summer fling seems pretty gay to me.

I'm not saying the story of Betty and James would be better if it was written about sapphic lovers, but I'm not not saying that.

Larocca: This one is gay, and if you try to tell me otherwise, I will simply ignore you.

But Courteney, it's from the perspective of a guy named James. James and the other character, Inez, share the same names as Reynolds and Lively's kids (will leave it up to you to decide if that means their third daughter's name is Betty). James is their daughter. Get out of here with your antiquated ideas about which names connotate which genders.

To me, the James named in this song is a woman and a lesbian and this song is for the gays. I will not be saying anything else or accepting any feedback on this opinion, thank you.

"Peace" is honest and raw.

Ahlgrim: This song's intro sounds like LCD Soundsystem had a baby with "The Archer." The gentle guitar riff is also lovely.

With Dessner's echoey production, Swift's voice sounds like a warm little fire in a cave — fitting, since she sings in the chorus, "I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm."

OK damn, I'm getting really emotional. This songwriting is beautiful and haunting. "Peace" perfectly captures the ambient dread of feeling your partner slip away, of wondering whether love can be enough.

Larocca: If you're a "Call It What You Want" stan, you're going to love its mature older sister "Peace."

I will hereby forever be thinking about the parallels between "But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm" with "He built a fire just to keep me warm" and between "Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother" with "Trust him like a brother."

Also, "Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?" has the same emotional impact as when Swift changes the lyric in "The Archer" to "I see right through me" and that's meant as the highest form of compliment.

Swift's vocals are so crisp, that guitar riff is so stunning, and these lyrics are so gut-wrenchingly vulnerable. A perfect song, through and through.

"Hoax" is unlike any other album closer in Swift's catalog.

Ahlgrim: I don't know if Swift is going through a traumatic breakup, but if she isn't, the woman is one convincing creative writer.

The National makes some of my favorite music to cry to, so when I heard Aaron Dessner had co-written and produced much of this album, I knew I was in for some glossy cheeks. Until now, I think I've felt too captivated by Swift's artistry to really let myself get there.

But finally, "Hoax" is making me cry.

This is heart-wrenching stuff for anyone, but for a fan and student of Swift's work, this is like reading a friend's diary entry.

"Don't want no other shade of blue, but you" must be a reference to "Delicate," in which Swift sings: "Dark jeans and your Nikes, look at you / Oh damn, never seen that color blue." Later, she croons, "You know I left a part of me back in New York," perhaps regretting the move to London that she detailed throughout "Lover."

"You knew it still hurts underneath my scars / From when they pulled me apart," recalling the public shaming she endured and demons she exorcised on "Reputation." "But what you did was just as dark." Like I said before: Whoa.

Personally, I love having a good cry set to moody music, so I appreciate Swift's soul-bearing. "Hoax" is one gut-punch of an album closer.

Larocca: Swift has a habit of ending her albums on an uplifting, hopeful note and I always eat it up. But if "Folklore" hadn't made it clear by now that it should be consumed differently than any of her previous works, "Hoax" brings that message home.

Instead of reveling in all the ways that love has made her stronger, happier, or more whole, "Hoax" deconstructs everything Swift has learned about love and leaves a bleaker picture about how maybe even the best of relationships hurt.

But at its most tragic, this love still isn't something Swift will ever let go of: "Don't want no other shade of blue but you / No other sadness in the world would do."

Finishing a Taylor Swift album has never been so devastating.

Final Grade: 9.7/10

#taylor swift #folklore #review

50 notes · View notes

kirliancamera1 · 3 years

Photo

Rede Vamp Brazil (https://redevampirica.com) interviews Elena Alice Fossi of Kirlian Camera (English text attached hereunder) 🔥🔥🔥

Question 1: Be very welcome to AcessoRedeVamp, it's a true honor to realize this interview with you Elena Alice! You are a great singer and more every time we see you on stage your performance transmits great emotion and this electrifies all of us! You tell a real story with your performance and this is amazing and rare these days! At the same time, we perceive an expressive revolt against an old world and its stagnant postures. How have you handled 2020?

*** EAF – First of all, I wanna thank you for your words. Being able to communicate with the people who follow us is the most important thing to me. Singing becomes ephemeral if doesn't convey a message. Also for this reason I consider that the stage is the base of a musician, so you can imagine how I miss it. In this sense, it can be said that the category we belong to is very unlucky, not only because it's forced not to work, but rather 'cause concerts are pure lifeblood for a musician's soul. In any case, both Angelo and I can't stand self-pity people, so we immediately jumped into new musical projects, putting top concentration on composition. At any rate, we couldn't be simple observers of an event on this scale, so right from the beginning we tried to dig deep, looking for, and comparing news, data, statistics, whether they came from mainstream channels or from alternative sources. In Italy, for example, the economy has been torn to pieces and furthermore, the same politicians who mourn the dead on TV... cut so many funds for health facilities for a long time, so they may be considered taking part in such a mess. This situation has created a real drama, especially for families who have lost their loved ones without even having a chance to say goodbye one last time. But, it's also true that the worldwide exploitation of this pandemic has given us, we citizens, an opportunity to wake up. No need to use words such as anarchy or rebellion to understand that the old world is showing all kinds of holes. "Divide et impera" is the motto of several governments, so we citizens must not fall into the trap of making war on each other, each nonsense comes up! This is the time to show ourselves united. And, most of all, it’s time not to turn ourselves into servile dogs of a “Power” becoming more and more antidemocratic.

Question 2: Do you feel that the marks left by the year 2020 will bring some effective changes to this "abstraction" called humanity? Will there be a "new normal" or will we just return to an average 2019 when this whole pandemic passes?

*** EAF - If I’d been told about what we have experienced for almost one year, I’d have thought it was a joke, bullshit. But unluckily this is not the case. Such an event has brought much grief and is ruining the economic system of many nations, as already said. But in addition to the injury, here it comes the insult from the absurd and chaotic dictates imposed on us. I'll give you some examples of what's happening here in Italy. “Don't go out after 10 pm”. While people keep on getting sick or even dying, here comes the policeman with a ticket 'cause you left home for a goddam moment. I have this picture on my mind, of a person in pajamas, carrying the garbage bag full of stinking mussel shells at less than one hundred meters from home in a totally deserted night. At that point a flash on him. It’s the police who writes a ticket to that dangerous criminal. And then, for everyone's sake, the Christmas mass was moved from the usual midnight to 8 pm. How the hell can you think it's not a mockery? And... the last “gag”! Before Christmas, our Minister of technological innovation made an appeal to telephone companies so that video calls were free on Christmas days... But what year does she live in? But... is she not able to understand that in Italy almost everyone has either unlimited gigas or wifi? Nothing changes if the telephone companies for a couple of days give us video calls because we already use free services such as Whatsapp, Skype, Zoom, Telegram, and so on and so forth... Ok, in a vain attempt to avoid death, they are putting us in an induced coma! Seriously, all this offends our intelligence! And, when you realize you are inside a joke, you don't like to discover you're the main character, do you?! So, to answer your question, I couldn't foresee how a post-covid society will be reshaped, but the severe weakening that now is burdening us will have some major impact, no doubt. Currently, most folks are obsessed with fear, so are unable to reflect on the consequences of unconstitutional actions such as those foolishly propagated by many States. Furthermore, the pharma companies, the giants of the online shopping industry and many other powerful satanic puppet masters who are used to appear as philanthropists are ready to get their hands on everything, well pleased with the next “big reset”. So, after the pandemic, things will change a lot! For sure, from a human point of view, the feelings will be devitalized.

Question 3: Hologram Moon is a great name! Evokes conspirations like what really is the moon and this strangeness opens a vast creative field to find answers or even new questions... please tell us a bit more about this album, his name, songs...

*** EAF - "Fake is your face" is one of the phrases that most resonate in me when I sing "Holograms", or when in “Lost Islands” the old world said “Goodbye”! It's as if you had to face a new reset, as if you discovered everything you've always believed is swept away in an instant. There's the awareness that in the face of a new and suffocating truth, when the sky collapses, only true love can resist and guide you. In this sense, the final track of the album, “Travellers’ Testament” is a real stone on my heart, as it describes a fantastic journey to a planet. The astronaut is now impatient to fulfill his dream, but he will never arrive on that planet. The landing will take place on a space station. The moon landing's been questioned over and over again and certain evidence of the fact's inconsistency eventually seems credible. But we cannot say what reality is in any scientific way, especially when we're already prepared to believe a reassuring source. This is a simple starting point to embark on our history. More than finding answers, our sacred duty is to open the door to new questions, ask doubts, not take anything for granted. “Hologram Moon” is a purely poetic vision, but also a way to question everything. The mind can atrophy very easily. Habit, for example, can be complicit in this and the so-called comfort zone can be just complicit as well. The hypnosis that we suffer every day without realizing it, also grinding so many and bad TV shows, and so on... So, let's remain thinking and dreaming! This is a message from us.

Question 4: How was the experience of working with Covenant's Eskil Simonsson on the beautiful "Sky Collapse"?

*** EAF - We had come across Covenant several times before doing this collaboration; on festival occasions, in the dressing rooms... But it was a chaotic situation, so... we gave each other a fleeting smile, a kind greeting, but nothing more. Then, when Angelo and I wrote “Sky Collapse”, we immediately thought that a deep and sincere voice like Eskil's would add something precious to the song. Even before recording the two-voice song, we met at a charity festival. We had called him as a guest just to sing this song together, which was yet unreleased. He made himself available immediately. It was a nice gift for us and when the moment came, I think that on stage you could feel my strong emotion all the way down the hall!

Question 5: Well, I think now we will have our fan moment! Let's talk about some Kirlian Camera songs that our DJs and the audience of the REDE VAMP love it? Do I speak the name and may you tell a little about the meanings, influences, or a curious story?

*** EAF ***

>>> NIGHTGLORY. It refers to the triumph of the night, perhaps as a momentary spiritual retreat. I'm talking about that precious moment that regenerates your very existence into yourself. The music of this song was born in a symphonic form, very different from how Nightglory was then arranged. This is a song and an album that has been appreciated by many people only after some time, partly because of a promotion that described the album as the most commercial in our history, which is absolutely harmful and misleading. Invisible Front and Eclipse were even more listenable, for example... Sometimes words spoil your work. It would be better to listen to music only, ignoring its promotional presentation. Fortunately, Nightglory has recovered over time till becoming one of the most requested live songs of ours.

>>> BLACK AUGUST. In this song there are various hints coming out from a dark moment in my life, I mean a period that risked devouring me. Wounds that take time to heal. Sky Collapse can be considered the final act of that period, even if the music of the two songs sounds very different, as you know. Black August blends various stylistic dimensions in a single “body of music”, so many didn't know how to label it at the time, as it effectively goes running free, out of the box. A very atypical song that has gained some actual success despite its distinction, which has also brought us closer to fans of dark metal and so-called electronica.

>>> HELLFIRE. I chose this piece to add an echo to the dark period I was talking about above, in order to exorcise all that negativity, so we went to deal with a theme showing gospel traits but containing some demonic references in the lyrics. Then I didn't know THE 8th PRESIDENT was waiting for us at the SCARLET GATE OF TOXIC DAYBREAK, with his COLD PILLS! A wordplay whoever is following us will understand!

>>> K-PAX. I wrote this piece in a night when everything seemed dreamy and I almost didn't realize where I was anymore. No, I wasn't under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but all my memories were mixing in tremendous chaos that needed to reinvent itself and turn into an immaterial fog, in a light but lost dream. Angelo literally translated the music and melodies I had written on the staff, giving both them and my voice the perfect terms to guide the journey. In fact, it's not a complete and static text, but a sequence of dreamy and painful phrases at the same time. I felt that Angelo listened to me attentively since he knew how to translate my notes so perfectly into written sentences as if he were sending me back into my music. It was magical and at K-Pax Angelo and I discovered the other life of ourselves, bringing to light so many breathtaking emotions and it was just the departure, after the suffocating mists of Still Air, an album we love, and the crepuscular decadence of Stalingrad Valkyrie.

Question 6: There is a cover of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd from Kirlian Camera that is a true work of art. The Mad World cover performed by Spectra Paris is fascinating. Are there more covers from other bands that you would like to record?

*** EAF - Well yes, there are ideas, but we prefer to evaluate which are the best. Meanwhile, I tried to produce a version of a Johnny Cash song and I made Angelo interpret it: I really like the result. It may be used by Stalingrad Valkyrie.

Question 7: I love your lyrics! What can't Elena be missing when creating new lyrics or musical arrangements? Are there any poetry, films, books, comic books, or other influences?

*** EAF - Mostly everything happens unconsciously. You don't know how many times I realize why I wrote a certain phrase only after a song was released! But I can say that my imagination works mostly by processing images. So, the movies are very helpful in this. Similarly, Angelo and I tap into imagery that could be part of the quantum physics new era, where multiverse and multidimensionality are both playing an important role. This world appears like a really tiny thing when compared to everything else.

Question 8: Elena, I read in an older interview about a "Young Ladies Homicide Club" I found an undeniable reference to the films Noir and the figure of the characters called "Vamp" and all the charm and spectral magnetism ... but I was a little curious. .. what is this "Young Ladies Homicide Club"?

*** EAF - Let's say I imagined an unreal club created by apparently dead or so to say "disappeared" models in order to get rid of fashion people who were acting a bit too naughty! The work to clean up that world wouldn't be lacking, as, after all, it happens in all professional areas. As for myself goes, I gladly opted in a flash and without second thoughts for singing and making music, leaving everything behind, buying a couple of synths and a decent microphone, which I then enriched with various electronic devilry, kicking away possible easy money, foolish nights, cocaine, heroin, stereotyped relationships, and absurdly worshipped wines! Every so often I like to play with the ridiculous and grotesque ghosts of some fashion designers, photographers, and evil spirits, then going to recreate noir stories in which everything happens. I also drew some digital comics with a noir-glam flavor, a few years ago... It was a fun pastime, while with Kirlian Camera I'd been exploring deeper and more fundamental universes.

Question 9: Is there more news on the way for the incredible Spectra Paris and also for Stalingrad Valkyrie? May you talk a bit more about them?

*** EAF - Stalingrad Valkyrie is a project I am very fond of, in a special way. So I insisted on getting it back to life after a period of hibernation which lasted too much in my opinion. "Martyrium Europae", the most recent album, proved me right, even if it’s not a commercial project. Well, it seems our listeners have appreciated the attempt to combine different musical sources in a unique style, certainly linked to the more symphonic and dramatic Kirlian Camera pages, but also quite free to express itself on his own, trying to avoid the most standard patterns of neofolk, progressive and industrial, without on the other hand completely ignoring their now distant origins. So, in its small way, the new album turned out to be a success and I'd really like this project to keep on living with further fresh ideas. We're currently working on a new chapter that will be released on vinyl and some digitals, which contains previously unreleased songs and versions.

Question 10: Elena, our Rede Vamp is a platform about Cultural Vamp and Vampires production ... and there is a question that our interviewees never escape. Is there a character or perhaps a vampire story that you never forgot?

*** EAF - Needless to say the vampire who most impressed me over time can't be anyone other than... Angelo Bergamini!!! Not many know that Angelo was the leading actor in a short film entitled "Himre Bakai", shot in the late nineties or so, directed by Antonio Bocchi, the later owner of the dark-electronic project Lux Anodyca and author of detective books. I don't think the film is regularly available or downloadable at the moment, but I know it was also screened at the time in various festivals and reviews, also getting some good feedback! Angelo (Himre) and Antonio told me that one day the film "will see the light ”, but at the moment... he lies in the dark, by the book, of course!!!

Question 11: Elena, thank you so much for your time and generosity! You and Kirlian Camera have many fans on our events and radio shows, please leave a special message for our audience! Are there plans for a new gig in Brazil after all this pandemic?

*** EAF - While it's true that we've never been able to play in Brazil so far, I'm sure your Land is actually right for us, 'cause I can feel that's full of feeling and passion, so we'd love to perform for you very much, 'cause in spite of the fact it's so far away, I feel a deep affinity and a certain familiarity with your world. And while we wait, confident that sooner or later we'll succeed in our aim, I wanna greet all those who had the kindness to listen to me, with a quote from the American scientist and politician Benjamin Franklin: "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

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realllllfangirllllll · 5 years

Text

Beyond Lovers || Chp.4

{More Than Friends Sequel}

Masterlist

Chairman!Jaehyun AU x CEO!Reader AU

Summary: You find yourself falling deeper and deeper in love with the former CEO after overcoming your fear of love. Although there were rough patches, both of you are now stronger than ever. However, you realize that maintaining a relationship and a company at the same time can be very difficult, especially if someone is out to destroy the both of you.

{ Previous / Next }

You were in awe as you walked through the building that was now lit up with purple, pink, and blue neon lights. It seemed it was only yesterday that Jaehyun proposed to have you as NCT’s CEO. You blindly accepted his offer not knowing how stressful it would be to weigh both online college and a company on your shoulders. Your eyes have almost gone blind from staring at a computer all day. From doing online courses to mapping out designs and promotions for NCT. You wouldn’t have been able to get through even half of it if your friends weren’t there to support you.

For the past few weeks, Soyeon and Mark have stayed up at the crack of dawn studying with you in hopes of finishing the courses required for the three of you to graduate on time. It’d be an understatement to say that the workload is difficult. At times, you even considered going back to college to learn face to face with a professor. However, Soyeon and Mark have always toughed it out and helped to make sure the three of you had the time for NCT.

When you have finished the crazy college workload for the day, you were faced with another workload from NCT. Photoshoots, coordinating, and managing the company left you absolutely no time to relax. You were just thankful your friends were suffering along with you. Soyeon, Soojin, Lucas, Winwin, and Ten were the models of the company. Since they were already professionals, half of the stress was taken away from you, not to mention that Ten’s ability to design saved the company so much time and money. Photoshoots also go smoothly with their professional opinions for improvements. On the other hand, Mark and Johnny were of great help behind the scenes. Mark was in charge of contacting future partners and other human resource duties while Johnny and you took charge of photography and video contents. The whole company was surprised, except for you and Jaehyun, that Johnny decided to retire from modeling. You and Jaehyun have always known Johnny’s passion and skill for photography. Plus, Jaehyun has always told you how guilty he felt to have made Johnny model with a “playboy” image back in SM. Taking both their thoughts into consideration, you used NCT as the perfect opportunity to settle both their concerns and wishes.

You walked through the crowded building remembering the countless nights the nine of you spent decorating and making the building look like what you all have envisioned for it to be: a place of creative freedom and a place that held no boundaries nor anyone to force a fake image upon others. With a big smile on your face, you greeted the people who congratulated you and had small talks with the guests of tonight’s grand opening event. You saw your friends enjoying their time eating, taking pictures, and just happily talking to other people. An ooze of happiness burst from inside of you. Although it was beyond difficult to start the company you and Jaehyun dreamed about, the endless efforts the nine of you put in resulted in a great outcome.

You scanned around the room and stopped when you saw a particularly well-dressed man staring back at you with a bright smile on his face. Returning the smile, you subtly motioned for him to come.

“Hey there beautiful stranger,” the husky voice said.

You rolled your eyes at him as he wrapped his long arms around your waist. He stared at you lovingly and dove forward for a long kiss.

Pulling apart, he said in a breathless whisper, “Congratulations Ms. CEO, this all happened because of you.”

Giving him a quick peck, you smiled and whispered next to his ears, “Well aren’t you lucky to be dating her.”

Smiling with his dimples exposed, Jaehyun tucked your hair behind your ears and gazed at you with loving eyes. “I sure am.”

Suddenly, you heard a buzzing sound in his pocket as he walked away to answer the call. You weren’t sure if it was because of the strobe lights or if you were just imagining things, but you saw a slight change in Jaehyun’s eyes. He seemed angry at first, maybe even furious, but when he made eye contact with you, his bright smile returned. You quickly brushed aside the doubtful feeling and walked toward him.

Gently, placing a hand on his shoulder, you asked him softly, “Everything alright?”

With a light chuckle, he grabbed your hand and placed them beside him. As to assure you, he rubbed soft circles into the back of your hand and said, “I just got a call from our collaboration’s department chief. There were some problems with the contract.”

Pouting, you asked him, “So you have to go? I didn’t even do my welcoming speech yet.”

Jaehyun chuckled, pinching your cheek lightly, “I’ll see my famous girlfriend on youtube later. I know you’ll do great, but don’t forget to mention the handsome man who funded this whole project.”

You scoffed as he gave you a wink and started heading towards the exit. You saw him grab a glass of champagne before waving goodbye to you, disappearing into the elevator.

Sighing, you, too, took a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and gulped it down. You tried to calm your nerves as you gave yourself a mental pep talk. Truth be told, you were a nervous wreck on the inside even though you seemed poised and calm on the exterior. Memorizing your speech wasn’t the difficult part, after all, you planned to speak your immediate thoughts instead of drafting out a speech. This way, the people will understand your genuine appreciation toward them and the company. However, what made you break down with anxiety was the gossip and drama that surrounded you in the past. Although your dating scandal with Jaehyun became less of an interest to the public, there were still many people who doubted you and the position you carry. It took you a lot to fight down your insecurities to even get dressed for the event and show up. You didn’t want to disappoint your friends who all counted on you, so you shallowed down your fears and dragged yourself to the event with forged confidence, hoping nobody will notice your nervous breakdown.

You felt someone lightly wrap their arm around your neck and you turned around to see Soojin. Your best friend gave you an assuring smile and told you, “It’s going to be ok y/n. If anything happens, which it won’t, you have the eight of us to back you up.”

You returned a forced smile and replied, “It’s seven now.”

Looking at you with confusion, she asked, “Seven? Who left?”

“Jaehyun did. He had to deal with one of the department chiefs.”

“Tsk tsk Leaving his girlfriend on one of her most nerve-wracking nights. What a shame,” she shook her head and looked at you with a straight face, “I disapprove.”

You chuckled and lightly shoved her, “Shut up Soojin. He wouldn’t leave me if he saw how nervous I am. Plus, he has important business to attend to. It’ll determine all nine of our futures.”

Raising her arms up in defeat, she said, “Fine, fine. I’m just salty he took my beautiful girlfriend from me.”

You saw her pout as she leaned closer to you, and you pressed your hand on top of her mouth, shoving her away. “Please, you had countless boyfriends and now you try to claim I’m yours?” You looked at her with fake shock, “How dare you! You cheater!”

You both laugh, feeling better already that Soojin was there to shake off your nerves. Soon after, you saw the rest of your friends come over, encouraging you that you’ll do fine. You must say, it was nice to always have the seven of them by your side. Everything felt like it was in place as long as you and your friends were together, indifferent to the media, dramas, and gossips that could easily separate you all.

“Please give a round of applause for NCT’s very own CEO, y/n y/l/n!”

A roar of applause was heard through the neon-lit floor and you felt your nerves rising. Giving a small smile, you walked to the front of the podium as gracefully as you could.

Taking a deep inhale, you let out your words loud and confidently, “Thank you for the warm welcome! I am so pleased to finally introduce to you, NCT.” Another round of applause stroke and a few cheers were heard. “Our company has been working endlessly to introduce to you all our wonderful models and designs. I would like to first, thank all of our NCT models for bringing this collection to life: Soyeon, Lucas, Soojin, Ten and Winwin,” through your anxious eyes, you saw your five friends waving to the crowd. You gave them a warm smile and continued, “These models are the center of NCT and my most precious friends. Please give them your utmost love and support.”

You continued through your speech with no mistakes and applauses were heard throughout the room. You started to feel at ease as you finished your speech with the words you wanted to say the most, “Last but not least, I would like to thank this one very special person. He has been the light of my life and the most supportive and helpful person to both me and NCT. Unfortunately, he had some matters to attend to so he won’t be here to introduce himself and talk to you all. Nonetheless, I would like to thank Jaehyun with the bottom of my heart. I love you and will continue to lo-”

A cold liquid flowing down your head caused you to freeze before you can finish your sentence. You tried continuing to speak but your eyes started to see red paint drip down from your hair to your face. You felt the crowd’s eyes stare at you as more paint fell down your body. Suddenly, you heard a few people push their way to the front of the crowd and curse at you.

“‘Love’ my ass!”

“Nice way to kiss your way up to the top!!”

“You’re nothing but a slut!”

Once again, fear and anxiety took over you. You didn’t know what else to do but stand there dumbfounded. No matter how hard you tried to muster up your courage to speak, nothing came out. The people just continued to shout threats and throw all sorts of foods at you. The room started spinning and your vision started to get blurry. You saw a swarm of security running towards the shouting people and Mark coming up beside you to call an end to the event. Just as you were about to lose yourself and fall to the ground, Johnny caught you by the waist.

You heard him whisper by your ears, “Hold it in, stay composed. Don’t let these idiots see you fall.”

Johnny’s words made you get a hold onto reality a little better as you stand up straight, acting as if nothing was wrong. You clutch onto his arms as the both of you walk towards the exit behind the backdrop.

———

• Sorry I’ve been MIA & S U F F E R I N G •

• I have too much work and I’m just a tiny girl so pls have mercy on me 🤕 •

• I’m also hella frustrated bc my card charged me for SuperM albums but I couldn’t place my order on the website like wtf does that even make sense to u •

• ANYWAYS HOW WAS JOPPING YALL LEMME HEAR UR REACTIONS •

• STREAM JOPPING 💎 •

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lia-jones · 4 years

Text

Growing Pains - Chapter Thirteen - Let Me Tell You a Story

Victor left my apartment after checking if my refrigerator had food, and only when I solemnly promised I would get something to eat and rest. He also instructed me not to go to work the following day and forbade me to walk Levi’s dog. I was so tired I promptly obliged, eating some leftovers, taking a shower and going straight to bed.

I was so exhausted from all the feelings and all the crying I slept 19 hours straight, without a single dream, which was a first. I woke up feeling a whole lot better. Even though the events of the previous day came to mind, I had no intention of paying attention to them. It was time to focus on what really mattered. I had a good breakfast, brewed myself a pot of coffee and turned on my computer to work on my thesis.

I worked and I ate, and watched some TV. It was 6 pm when I remembered I had a phone.

Two missed calls from Goldman, one from Diane and seven from Victor. And a text. I read it.

I know you’re probably sleeping, so don’t worry about the missed calls. Just wanting to know if you’re doing well. Make sure you feed yourself. Call me if you need anything.

I replied.

Sorry, I was working and my phone was on mute. Everything is fine, don’t worry.

I was about to call Goldman back when Victor called.

“It’s me.” Like I wouldn’t know on the spot who that voice belonged to. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling good. I had a good rest, worked a bit. Thanks for asking.”

“Did you have a meal, at least? You didn’t eat much yesterday.” I rolled my eyes. It was like listening to my mother with a manly voice.

“I ate, don’t worry.” There was a pause. “Is that all you wanted to know?”

“Actually, I have something to tell you.” Another pause. Victor cleared his throat. “Since Ted is no longer working in LFG, I need someone to take his accounts. You’re the best person for the job.”

“Victor…” I was surprised by his decision. “You have other people working for you far longer than I am, way more experienced. I’m just the intern.”

“You’re right, I have employees far more experienced than you. But I watched you work with these partners. They trust you and they like to work with you. You have a keen eye for their needs and their strong points. When working closely with people, experience and knowledge are important, but can only go so far. It takes empathy to do a good job. You have that in spades.”

“I don’t know… This is huge.” I quipped.

“I know right now you have your thesis to finish and the French accounts, so I’m assigning Diane to work with you for the time being. I want you to keep your eye on your goals and not feel overwhelmed with this. You’ll have all the support you need from Diane, Goldman and me. When you finish your doctorate, you have a place in LFG, and Ted’s accounts are yours.”

“You’re not doing this because of what happened yesterday, right? Victor, you don’t need-“

“I’m doing this because of what happened the day before yesterday.” Victor interrupted me, sounding impatient. “I think I already made myself clear about that particular subject. I see your worth, even if you’re too much of an idiot to see it yourself.”

I didn’t care for the name-calling, but he was promoting me, so I overlooked it.

“Ok, then. Thank you.”

“One more thing. Due to your continued collaboration with Diane, I’ll have your desk placed close to Diane’s. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all. You probably want the office to yourself.”

“That is not the case, and even if it was, I wouldn’t notice it, since I will be traveling. The holidays are coming, and I need to meet some of the partners, tie some loose ends before the end of the year.” Victor sounded… sad for some reason? Maybe it was just me. He was probably just tired.

“Hope everything goes well with your travels. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I will try not to disappoint.”

“I’m sure you won’t.” There was a pause, followed by a sigh. “Bye.”

I had no idea why, but this felt more than a see you later. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I could actually feel the distance between us growing.

The following weeks were the busiest of my life. Between my thesis, my own accounts and Ted’s accounts I barely had time to eat and sleep, let alone relax. This whole situation was a double-edged sword: it was a perfect distraction from my own personal issues but it was also a distraction from everything else. I seemed to live only for work, having no time for a coffee with friends or TV. And it was getting to me. Diane and Goldman were also barely keeping it together, they had recently started dating and there was no time for any romantic activities. Goldman would come to the company during the weekends to complete all the tasks Victor had given him, and Diane would be stuck at home with Netflix and a tub of ice-cream, her two new boyfriends.

“It’s like he’s dating Victor, not me.” Diane complained during the lunch break. “We can’t even have sex. It’s like Victor knows, because that will be the exact time he calls. I suspect he has a bug or a camera installed in Henry’s house, this can’t be mere coincidence.”

I hadn’t spoken to Victor since he gave me the new position in LFG. And although it wasn’t unusual, him being the busy man he was, it felt… weird. We had somehow built this proximity, and then, all of the sudden, it was gone. It was almost like he was avoiding me, sending his messages through Goldman instead of calling me directly, like he usually did. I wondered if we had never gotten this close at all and it was all in my head. Or worse, if, despite what he said in my apartment, knowing the details of my abuse changed his opinion of me. Both options hurt. I shook the thoughts from my head and gave my undivided attention to Diane.

“Ok, listen… Victor is not Big Brother. I’m sure he didn’t install any cameras anywhere except LFG, so don’t try any shenanigans here. And he certainly isn’t watching you have sex with Goldman, unless he wants to be scarred forever. On the same note… The picture of Goldman dismounting you like a horse when he hears his phone ringing is something I will never be able to erase from my mind. Thanks a lot for that.” I joked.

“You’re just too uptight because you aren’t getting any!” Diane taunted.

“So what?” I shrugged. “Neither are you!” We both laughed.

I heard Goldman clear his throat behind me.

“Andy, did you finish your lunch already?” He looked at me, a stern look on his face.

“I know, I know, I need to call Sulley and Sons to see if they agree with the terms of the new proposal. I’ll be on my way.” I said, preparing to return to my desk.

“Yes, you do, but that’s not why I’m here. Can we have a word?”

Diane looked at me, eyes wide, surprised with how serious Goldman sounded. Without another word, I got up and followed him to the conference room. Without Victor around, Goldman could be just as severe as he was. I wondered if I should prepare for a scolding.

“It’s probably none of my business…” Goldman started as we sat down. “But I’m going to ask anyway. What’s up between you and the boss?”

I nearly fell from my chair, my face burning with embarrassment.

“W-what do you mean?” I stuttered.

“Oh please, Andy, I’d have to be really stupid not to notice.” He raised his eyebrow at me. “You two come to work and leave work together. You spend time together in the coffee room. After the whole Ted situation, when you took that day off, he tried to call you several times. Each time you didn’t answer, he would grow more anxious.” Goldman’s voice was accusing.

“My phone was on mute!” I defended myself.

“You were avoiding him, and you know it. And by the look on his face, he knew too.”

I didn’t know what to say. Victor thought I was avoiding him?

“And now, whenever he calls, he keeps using subterfuge to know how you are doing without really asking. I wouldn’t dare point that out to him, but I can see right through that.”

“I don’t understand. What are you trying to say to me?” I asked, feeling annoyed, but mostly confused.

“Just...” Goldman softened his tone. “This happened before, and it didn’t end well. I just don’t want that to happen again.”

“Jesus, Goldman, what happened?!?” I was started to feel seriously frustrated with this talk. “And what does it have to do with me?”

Goldman cleared his throat and took a deep breath. It seemed he wasn’t sure he should say what he was about to say.

“A few years ago, this girl came to LFG asking for funding. She had a small production company, nothing worth Victor’s time, but he agreed to fund it anyway. It turns out they met when they were just kids, shared a history together. And God, he was head over heels in love with her. He would keep a close eye on her at all times, taking care of every little problem she had, and most times she wouldn’t even suspect it. I remember she got hurt one day, during a production. Victor was extremely upset, his mind only able to focus on her and on how she was doing. Like he was with you when you didn’t answer your phone. Anyway, he was completely devoted to her. All that effort, that protection, that personal investment, all for nothing.”

“What happened?” I asked, feeling a touch of jealousy.

“They never actually had a relationship, even though he was fairly clear about his intentions. I mean, I don’t think he ever really told her, but there were times I saw him being more than clear with his actions, and she would blush but never reciprocate. He would downplay it, he would say she was a dummy, too young, too innocent. Until one day he stopped reaching out for her altogether. No more invitations to the office, for dinner, no more souvenirs. But he kept his silent protection. If you ask me, I think he was trying to make her miss him. See if he could get a reaction out of her.”

“But he never did get a reaction, did he?” I said, my heart sinking. Worse than being insulted, is to be ignored. Suddenly, I felt like a jerk for not answering his calls. But he didn’t have feelings for me other than friendship, if at all, so he probably didn’t care. Or did he? My heart wasn’t sure anymore.

“Not for 10 months. One day, she waltzes in and asks for Victor. His eyes lit up when I mentioned her name, went to her with a smile on his face. She was there to personally invite him to her wedding. She was getting married to this cop she was seeing for over a year.” Goldman’s words were bitter.

“Ouch…” I muttered. Of course he was guarded. He had trust issues. It looked like she was stringing him along the entire time.

“He sulked for nearly a year. And never showed any interest in any woman again. Until you came.” Goldman raised his hands defensively. “I’m not saying he loves you or anything. But it’s clear to me you matter to him in some way, maybe just because you both experienced this Ted situation together, but still, you matter.” Goldman looked me dead in the eyes. “So if you don’t have any feelings for him, just make sure you make him see that. Because another disappointment like this will break him, Andrea. He may seem cold and act superior, but I can tell you he has the biggest heart I have ever seen.”

I remembered the last conversation I had with Victor, and how I never heard from him since. I didn’t matter that much. Goldman was wrong.

“You don’t need to worry, Goldie Hawn. Victor doesn’t want anything with me, trust me. Whatever you think you saw, it’s not real.”

Goldman sat in silence, thinking about what I just said.

“Well, if your done getting your nose in other people’s business, I have to do some actual work.” I said, getting up.

Goldman grimaced.

“Actually, I have something to tell you. You’re not going to like it.”

#Growing Pains - Series #growingpains #mlqc victor #victor x oc #mlqc li zeyan #mlqc fanfic #mister love queens choice #love and producer

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thorne93 · 4 years

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Unforeseen Chasm (Part 9)

Prompt: Two sisters fall for men that are absolute enemies. The love they have could tear all of them apart, or it could bring them together.

Word Count: 1171

Warnings: Language

Note: This is a collaboration with the amazing @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo. It follows from Thor 1 to Endgame in the MCU. Some of the timelines may be off in order to fit certain people, and some characters may show up earlier or in different ways than they have in the movie. But for the most part, it follows the MCU. It also has a bit of crossover with some other Marvel characters throughout the story.

Masterlist for Unforeseen Chasm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dear, Shannon,

Haha I am sorry he scared Lucky, I will try to tell him to be more careful. That's great Tony let you two have a place at the tower! I bet that makes everything a ton easier! And hahah, I always knew Tony was a softey for dogs.

Oh my god, Shannon that is amazing news! Congratulations. I know you'll have so much fun! You need to wear the yellow dress, that short number, with the red pumps. Get your hair styled, and go for a natural look. Tony will die for that. Oh, I wish I was there to see your face when he asked….

Yes, please do tell me about Jane. I will tell Thor of her success, I’m sure he would be happy to hear about her.

No, Odin never smiles. Unless Queen Frigga is talking to him, haha. Other than that he is very stern, and I try to avoid him.

But the good news is that Loki is finally talking to me. He found me in the palace library… well I should say he scared me in the library. I was reading and he suddenly appeared and had asked, “So you're adopted as well?” He seemed shy, or hesitant at the time. But he made me jump, nonetheless. But now… Shannon, we spend nearly every minute together. Unless I’m training with Thor and his friends, I'm with Loki. He is quite the character once you get him to open up. He still hasn't divulged all of his feelings, but we touched the surface of the issues with his family. After that, he seemed interested in my work on earth and when he found out I studied their culture he offered to show me everything. Their history, their laws, their societal rules. He is a great teacher. Now that I have the phone back, he promised me some selfies with him, so I’m very excited for that.

Speaking of teaching, I am doing much better with my swordsmanship. I didn't defeat Fandral in our practice, but came close. Loki asked if he could teach me how to use his daggers and throw them, and I, of course, said yes. He seems to like having a companion that hangs on his every word.

And don't be mad, but yes, both the queen and prince are trying to teach me magic. I’m sorry! I couldn't resist. I am doing well so far! But I swear I won't go into battle. My weapon is my mind, I'm not made for the battlefield. I’m sure your powers would be of great use here. In fact when I get back I'll show you everything they taught me.

However, there is news of my parentage - they found record if a baby girl with my hair and eye color born the same week as my birthday. They're gathering what they can on the parents. So here's to hoping.

Yes, please send Thor pop tarts. He has asked about them five times, it’s driving me mad. Do not worry about sending the books. I have notebooks here that I am taking generous notes on. Thank you though.

I start work with the Asgardians tomorrow. I am very nervous.

Tell me all about the date! I can't wait to hear every detail!

Your sister from an (possible) Asgardian mister,

Y/N/N

--------------------

Y/N, my dear sister

Living at the tower is a whole new thing and even more different now that Tony and I are going out. It does make things easier when it comes to work because sometimes I’ll figure something out and can quickly head to the lab and continue my work. With everything that I’ve done already I was able to pay off the last of what we needed for the apartment so now it’s officially ours. Y/N, we own an apartment now! Who would have thought that the great Tony Stark would be a total softie for a dog?

It’s still a shock to me that Tony and I are going to be dating it feels like a dream, Y/N/N, a really wonderful dream. Thanks for the suggestion. I do believe that I’ll wear that dress and the heels even though I’m pretty sure he has a heel kink but he won’t admit it. I wish you’d been here to record it so that I could look back on him asking me out!

You would not believe how shocked she was when she found out she would be funded for the next 8 years for whatever research she does. I think Darcy had to get her to sit down and drink some water and she was completely okay with the conditions of what she would do with her results also I gave her access to whatever tech she might need I recorded a video her face looks hilarious! Bet he would be very impressed with her accomplishment.

He’s serious but is he a good ruler? I haven’t read much about him but there is a lot about his wife. You have to get a picture of them two maybe him smiling? Maybe Loki can help you.

I’m so glad to hear that you two are finally talking! Aww, Y/N, you always were an easy scare when you’re reading, sounds like you two are getting really cozy (wink wink), guess I’m going to get to tease you too. I always knew you’d get a man hooked to you because of your genius brain, hehe. I bet you’ve become the teacher’s pet 😉.

Maybe when you come back we can have a good little practice fight between my abilities and your swordsmanship. Mmm, Y/N, my girl getting a private practice session with Loki? Well how could he not like a companion like you? You’re the whole package and if he doesn’t see that then I’m gonna have to get there and knock it into him.

Y/N, My GOSH! You know I’m gonna be worried about you a lot more now that I have no way of being there to make sure I can keep you safe, what if something happens? Maybe we can have a one on one in the new training floor Tony is having built for some reason.

Here is to hope that you’re at the final step to unveiling the truth as to where you come from but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you and you’re always family no matter what.

I don’t think the raven will be able to carry the pop tarts. See if you can find Thor and find a way to open the Bifrost to receive the package?

I’ll keep the book with me in hopes to find anything that you might be able to take photos of. I hope to hear all about working with the Asgardians soon enough.

And I’ll definitely let you know all the details about the date we’re both just as nervous about big events.

See you soon,

Shannon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag List:

@essie1876

@magpiegirl80

@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked

@iamwarrenspeace

@marvel-imagines-yes-please

@superwholocked527

@missinstantgratification

@thejemersoninferno

@rda1989

@munlis

@thefridgeismybestie

@bubblyanarocks3

@igiveupicantthinkofausername

@kaliforniacoastalteens

@feelmyroarrrr

@kaeling

@friendlyneighbourhoodweirdo

@damalseer

@heyitscam99

@yknott81

@sorryimacrapwriter

@glitterquadricorn

@xxqueenofisolationxx

@little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama

@bittersweetunicorm

@alyssaj23

@sea040561

@princess76179

@thisismysecrethappyplace

@sarahp879

@malfoysqueen14

@ellallheart

@breezy1415

@marvelmayo

@random-fluffy-pink-unicorn

@cocosierra94

@hardcollectionworldtrash

@capsmuscles

@marvelloushamilton

Loki:

@lostinspace33

@ultrarebelheart

@lenawiinchester

@esoltis280

@tngrayson

@wangdeasang

@harrymewmew

@jayfantasyatyourservice

#unforseen chasm #loki x reader #tony stark x ofc #loki fic #loki odinson #tony stark #tony stark fic #thor #thor 1

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blackkudos · 4 years

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Lisa Lopes

Lisa Nicole Lopes (May 27, 1971 – April 25, 2002), better known by her stage name Left Eye, was an American rapper, singer, music producer, and dancer. Lopes was a member of the R&B girl group TLC, alongside Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins and Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas. Besides rapping and singing background vocals on TLC recordings, Lopes was one of the creative forces behind the group. She received more co-writing credits than the other members. She also designed the outfits and staging for the group and contributed to the group's image, album titles, artworks, and music videos. Through her work with TLC, Lopes won four Grammy Awards.

During her brief solo career, Lopes scored two US top 10 singles with "Not Tonight" and "U Know What's Up", as well as one UK number-one single with "Never Be the Same Again", the latter a collaboration with Melanie C of the British girl group Spice Girls. She also produced another girl group, Blaque, who scored a platinum album and two US top 10 hits. Lopes remains the only member of TLC to have released a solo album.

On April 25, 2002, Lopes was killed in a car crash while organizing charity work in Honduras. She swerved off the road to avoid hitting another vehicle, and was thrown from her car. She was working on a documentary at the time of her death, which was released as The Last Days of Left Eye and aired on VH1 in May 2007.

Life and career

1971–1990: Childhood

Lopes was born in 1971 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the daughter of Wanda Denise (née Andino), a seamstress, and Ronald Lopes Sr., a US Army staff sergeant, who was of African-American descent. Lisa had a younger brother, Ronald Jr., and a younger sister, Raina Anitra (her nickname goes by Reigndrop). Lopes said her father was "very strict, very domineering" and that he treated the family like they were in "boot camp". He was also a "talented musician" who played the harmonica, clarinet, piano, and saxophone.

Lopes' parents separated when she was still in school, and she was raised by her paternal grandmother during the later years of her childhood. She began playing with a toy keyboard at 5 years old, and later composed her own songs. By age 10, she formed the musical trio The Lopes Kids with her siblings, with whom she sang gospel songs at local events and churches. She attended the Philadelphia High School for Girls.

1990–1998: TLC

In late 1990, having heard of an open casting call for a new girl group through her then-boyfriend, Lopes moved to Atlanta to audition. Originally starting as a female trio called 2nd Nature, the group was renamed TLC, derived from the first initials of its members at the time: Tionne Watkins, Lisa Lopes and Crystal Jones. Things did not work out with Jones, and TLC's manager Perri "Pebbles" Reid brought in Damian Dame backup dancer Rozonda Thomas as a third member of the group. To preserve the band's original name, Thomas needed a name starting with C, which is how she became "Chilli," a name chosen by Lopes. Watkins became T-Boz, derived from the first letter of her first name and "Boz" (slang for "boss"). Lopes was renamed "Left Eye" after a compliment from New Edition member Michael Bivins who once told her he was attracted to her because of her left eye, which was more slanted than the right eye. Lopes emphasized her nickname by wearing a pair of glasses with the right lens covered by a condom, in keeping with the group's support of safe sex, wearing a black stripe under her left eye, and eventually getting her left eyebrow pierced.

The group arrived on the music scene in 1992 with the album Ooooooohhh... On the TLC Tip. With four hit singles, it sold six million copies worldwide, leading to the group becoming a household name. Two years later CrazySexyCool was released, selling over 23 million copies worldwide. TLC's third album, FanMail, was released in 1999 and sold over 14 million copies worldwide. Its title was a tribute to TLC's loyal fans and the sleeve contained the names of hundreds of them as a "thank you".

During the recording of FanMail, a public conflict began amongst the members of the group. In the May 1999 issue of Vibemagazine, Lopes said, "I've graduated from this era. I cannot stand 100 percent behind this TLC project and the music that is supposed to represent me." In response to Lopes' comments, Watkins and Thomas stated to Entertainment Weekly that Lopes "doesn't respect the whole group" and "Left Eye is only concerned with Left Eye." In response, Lopes sent a reply through Entertainment Weekly issuing a "challenge" to Watkins and Thomas to release solo albums and let the public decide who was the "greatest" member of TLC:

I challenge Tionne Watkins (T-Boz) and Rozonda Thomas (Chilli) to an album entitled "The Challenge"... a 3-CD set that contains three solo albums. Each [album]... will be due to the record label by October 1, 2000... I also challenge Dallas 'The Manipulator' Austin to produce all of the material and do it at a fraction of his normal rate. As I think about it, I'm sure LaFace would not mind throwing in a $1.5 million prize for the winner.

T-Boz and Chilli declined to take up the challenge, though Lopes always maintained it was a great idea. Things were heated between the ladies for some time, with Thomas speaking out against Lopes, calling her antics "selfish", "evil", and "heartless". TLC then addressed these struggles by saying that they are very much like sisters who have their disagreements every now and then as Lopes explained, "It's deeper than a working relationship. We have feelings for each other, which is why we get so mad at each other. I usually say that you cannot hate someone unless you love them. So, we love each other. That's the problem."

1998–2002: Solo career

In 1998, Lopes hosted the short-lived MTV series, The Cut, in which a list of aspiring pop stars, rappers, and rock bands competed against each other in front of judges. The show's winner, which ended up being a male-female rap duo named Silky, was promised a record deal and funding to produce a music video, which would then enter MTV's heavy rotation. A then-unknown Anastacia finished in third place, but ended up securing a record deal after Lopes and the show's three judges were impressed by her performance.

After the release of FanMail, Lopes began to expand her solo career. She became a featured rapper on several singles, including Spice Girl Melanie C's "Never Be the Same Again", which topped the charts in 35 countries, including the United Kingdom. She was also featured on "U Know What's Up", the first single from Donell Jones' second album, Where I Wanna Be, and she rapped a verse in "Space Cowboy" with NSYNC on their 2000 album, No Strings Attached. On October 4, 2000, Lopes co-hosted the UK's MOBO Awards with Trevor Nelson, where she also performed "U Know What's Up" with Jones. She also collaborated on "Gimme Some" by Toni Braxton for her 2000 album The Heat. She had previously featured on Keith Sweat's song "How Do You Like It?". In 2001, she appeared in a commercial for the fashion brand Gap. In July 2001, Lopes appeared on the singers' edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire along with Joey McIntyre, Tyrese, Nick Lachey, and Lee Ann Womack. She dropped the $125,000 question and won $32,000 for her charity. After her death in 2002, the episode she appeared in was shown and was dedicated to her.

Lopes created Left Eye Productions to discover new talent. She mentored the R&B trio Blaque, and helped them secure a record deal with Columbia Records. Their self-titled debut album was executive-produced by Lopes, who also made a cameo appearance in their music video "808" and also rapped in their second music video "I Do". Lopes was also developing and promoting another new band called Egypt. They worked with Lopes on her second album under her new nickname, N.I.N.A., meaning New Identity Not Applicable.

In 1996, Lopes created the UNI Studios for the purpose of recording solo projects. Lopes' family opened the studio to the public. Her brother Ronald is the general manager of the studio. Lopes had a dream of making new artists able to record music at a low cost, in a high-end studio at her house. Her family continues to operate it and fill it with new equipment.

Supernova

Lopes spent much of her free time after the conclusion of TLC's first headlining tour, the FanMail Tour, recording her debut solo album, Supernova. It includes a song titled "A New Star is Born", which is dedicated to her late father. She told MTV News:

That track is dedicated to all those that have loved ones that have passed away. It's saying that there is no such thing as death. We can call it transforming for a lack of better words, but as scientists would say, 'Every atom that was once a star is now in you.' It's in your body. So, in the song I pretty much go along with that idea. ... I don't care what happens or what people think about death, it doesn't matter. We all share the same space.

Other tracks covered other personal issues, including her relationship with NFL football player Andre Rison. In 1994, before the start of Rison's fifth and final season with the Falcons, Lopes accidentally burned down Rison Atlanta mansion. Among the album's 13 tracks was also a posthumous duet with Tupac Shakur that was assembled from the large cache of unreleased recordings done prior to his murder in 1996. Initially scheduled for release on a date to coincide with the 11th anniversary of her grandfather's death, Arista Records decided to delay and then cancel the American release. The album was eventually released in August 2001 in different foreign countries. The Japan import includes a bonus track called "Friends", which would later be sampled for "Give It to Me While It's Hot" on TLC's fourth album 3D.

N.I.N.A.

After numerous talks with Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight, Lopes severed her solo deal with Arista (despite remaining signed to the label as a member of TLC) and signed with Knight's Death Row Records in January 2002, intending to record a second solo album under the pseudonym "N.I.N.A." (New Identity Not Applicable). She was recording with David Bowie for the project, whom she was also trying to get involved with the fourth TLC album. The project was also to include several songs recorded with Ray J along with close friend Missy Elliott. After Lopes' death in April 2002, Death Row Records still had plans to complete and release the album (unfinished at the time of Lopes' death) in October 2002, but the album was cancelled for unknown reasons. In 2011, some tracks from the album were uploaded onto YouTube featuring artists from Tha Row Records. Lopes's unreleased songs were also sampled by TLC for their fourth album 3Dafter she died. Another track, "Too Street 4 T.V" (featuring Danny Boy), was released on the soundtrack to the 2003 film Dysfunktional Family.

2008: Posthumous honorary album

In 2008, Lopes' family decided to work with producers at Surefire Music Group to create a posthumous album in her honor, Eye Legacy. Originally set to be released October 28, 2008, the release date was pushed back to November 11, then to January 27, 2009. The song 'Neva Will Eye Eva' and "Crank It", both feature and were co-produced by Lopes' sister Raina "Reigndrop" Lopes. The first official single from the album, "Let's Just Do It", was released on January 13, 2009 and features Missy Elliott and TLC. The second official single, "Block Party", features Lil Mama. The album largely consists of reworked versions of tracks from the Supernova album. In November 2009, Forever... The EP was released which contained international bonus tracks not used on the Eye Legacy album. The EP was only available to download. An unreleased track featuring Lopes was uploaded to SoundCloud on the eve of the 10-year anniversary of her death by Block Starz Music.

Personal life

Lopes was often vocal about her personal life and difficult past. She readily admitted that she had come from an abusive, alcoholic background and struggled with alcoholism herself. These issues became headline news in 1994, when she was arrested for setting fire to Andre Rison's sneakers in a bathtub, which ultimately spread to the mansion they shared and destroyed it. She claimed that Rison had beaten her after a night out, and she set fire to his shoes to get back at him but that burning down the house was an accident. Lopes later revealed that she did not have a lot of freedom within the relationship and that Rison abused her emotionally and physically; she said that she released her frustrations about the relationship on the night of the fire.

Lopes was sentenced to five years' probation and therapy at a halfway house, and was unable to shake the incident from her reputation. Her relationship with Rison continued to make headlines, with rumors of an imminent wedding, later debunked by People magazine. Lopes revealed on The Last Days of Left Eye documentary that her meeting with a struggling mother in rehab left a big impression on her. She subsequently adopted the woman's 8-year-old daughter. She had adopted a 12-year-old boy ten years prior.

Lopes had several tattoos. Most prominent was a large eagle on her left arm, which she said represented freedom. Later, she added the number "80" around the eagle, which was Rison's NFL number while in Atlanta. She also had a tattoo of a moon with a face on her foot in reference to Rison's nickname, "Bad Moon", Lopes later added the words "Love U 2" in the musical notes on her foot for Tupac Shakur. On her upper right arm was a large tattoo of the name "Parron" for her late step brother who died in a boating accident, arching over a large tattoo of a pierced heart. Her smallest tattoo was on her left earlobe and consisted of an arrow pointing to her left over the symbol of an eye, a reference to her nickname. Lopes struggled with self-harm and even carved the words "hate" and "love" into her arm with a razor.

Roughly two weeks before her own death, Lopes was a passenger in a traffic accident that resulted in the death of a 10-year-old Honduran boy. As reported in Philadelphia Weekly, "It is commonplace for people to walk the roads that wind through Honduras, and it's often difficult to see pedestrians." The boy, Bayron Isaul Fuentes Lopez, was following behind his brothers and sisters when he stepped off the median strip and was struck by a van driven by Stephanie, Lopes' personal assistant. Lopes' party stopped and loaded the boy into the car, and Lopes "cradled the dying boy's bleeding head in her arms" while "someone gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as they rushed him to a nearby hospital." He died the next day. Lopes paid approximately $3,700 for his medical expenses and funeral, and she gave the family around $925 for any extra costs, although it was apparently agreed upon by the authorities and the boy's family that his death was an "unforeseeable tragedy" and no blame was placed on the driver of the van or Lopes. In the documentary The Last Days of Left Eye, Lopes is shown choosing a casket for the child from a local funeral home. Earlier in the documentary, Lopes mentioned that she felt the presence of a "spirit" following her, and was struck by the fact that the child killed in the accident shared a similar last name, even thinking that the spirit may have made a mistake by taking his life instead of hers.

Death

On April 25, 2002, Lopes was driving a rented Mitsubishi Montero SUV in La Ceiba, Honduras, when she swerved slightly to avoid a truck (it is not clear if the truck was slow-moving or stationary) then immediately to the right as she tried to avoid an oncoming car. The vehicle rolled several times after hitting two trees, throwing Lopes and three others out of the windows, and finally coming to rest in a ditch at the side of the road. Lopes, at the age of 30, died instantly of "fracture of the base of the cranium" and "open cerebral trauma", and was the only person fatally injured in the accident. A cameraman in the front passenger seat was videotaping at the time, so the last seconds leading up to the swerve that resulted in the fatal accident were recorded on video. Victims of the accident were taken to Liverpool Royal Hospital. Her sister Reigndrop Lopes was in the vehicle and survived the collision.

Lopes' funeral was held at New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in Lithonia, Georgia, on May 2, 2002. Thousands of people attended. Engraved upon her casket were the lyrics to her portion of "Waterfalls", stating "Dreams are hopeless aspirations, in hopes of coming true, believe in yourself, the rest is up to me and you." Gospel duo Mary Mary sang their song "Shackles (Praise You)" at the funeral. Lopes was buried at Hillandale Memorial Gardens in Lithonia.

In a statement to MTV, producer Jermaine Dupri remembered Lopes: "She was determined to be something in life. She was a true rock star. She didn't care about no press. She was the rock star out of the group. She was the one that would curse on TV. She had the tattoos. You could expect the unexpected. When you see Lisa, you could expect something from her. That's the gift she carried."

Legacy

Lopes was in the process of setting up two educational centers for Honduran children. One was built on an 80-acre plot of land she called Camp YAC. The other center was called Creative Castle.

In 2003, shortly after Lopes' death, her family started the Lisa Lopes Foundation, a charitable group dedicated to providing neglected and abandoned youth with the resources necessary to increase their quality of life. Her spiritual motto was the one used for her foundation: "Energy never dies... it just transforms." Her foundation went into various underdeveloped villages and gave new clothes to poor children and their families. In August 2007, the foundation hosted a charity auction, selling items donated by celebrities. It raised approximately $5,000 for the Hogar de Amor ("Home of Love"), an orphanage in Honduras. In 2012, the foundation began hosting an annual music festival, known as "Left Eye Music Fest", in Decatur, Georgia.In the 2018 Boots Riley film Sorry to Bother You, members of a fictional activist group called "Left Eye" use as their symbol a stripe of eye black under the left eye, in an unmentioned reference to Lopes.

Posthumous documentary

A documentary showing the final 27 days of Lopes' life, titled The Last Days of Left Eye, premiered at the Atlanta Film Festival in April 2007, for an audience that included many of Lopes' contemporaries, including Monica, Ronnie DeVoe, 112, Big Boi, India.Arie, and Cee Lo Green. VH1 and VH1 Soul broadcast the documentary on May 19, 2007. Most of the footage was shot with a handheld camera, often in the form of diary entries filmed by Lopes while on a 30-day spiritual retreat in Honduras with sister Reigndrop, brother Ronald and members of the R&B group Egypt. In these entries, she reflected on her personal life and career. A calmer side of her personality was on display, showing interests in numerology and yoga. In January 2020, Lifetime aired an episode of Hopelessly In Love, a docuseries that captures the relationships of the rich and famous, about Lopes and Rison's tumultuous relationship. It showcased the complexity of their relationship and how she ended up with a felony arson charge for burning down Rison's Atlanta mansion.

#05/27 #04/25

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sleepwalkcollective · 4 years

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While We Were Holding It Together* // Mientras lo mantuvimos a flote*

We’ve just spent the last four weeks caught up in a kind of online RnD, with a group of collaborators - in Spain, the Czech Republic, the UK - as an attempt to re-create and re-imagine the residency we were supposed to be doing in London during this period, to develop and preview our new show Swimming Pools. It’s been weird and dreamy and long but also kind of miraculous-feeling, sometimes, the sparks of revelation and connection and closeness and even just the carrying on - despite everything - in itself. And so I thought it would be good to share a few of the things we’ve learnt while we were trying to hold it (and ourselves…) together, in the hope that this might be useful - and even encouraging - in these strange and difficult times.

I want to acknowledge first the fact that we’ve been hugely lucky, in that we were able to maintain much of the support (and funding) committed to the original residency, which is a luxury at this point although it shouldn’t be; and I also want to join the chorus of voices saying You Do Not Have To Work, not right now; not every crisis should be seen as an opportunity, and however you're finding your way through this is the right way. But for anybody who does feel able to continue, somehow, to work - or just to think, talk, imagine - maybe some of this will feel helpful.

Work collaboratively. I cannot emphasis this enough. Even if you don’t normally work collaboratively, find people who you can share this process and experience with. When working at a distance, in the middle of a crisis, it can be phenomenally difficult to maintain a coherent sense of what you’re doing while you’re actually doing it, so divide the labour where you can - appoint somebody to think without doing, so that everybody else can do without thinking. Set each other tasks, provocations, limitations; whatever will allow you to do something, however small, and to feel accompanied in that doing. And above all, make things for each other - audio messages, phone videos, texts, notes, photographs, whatever you can - and send those things to each other like they’re distress signals, love letters, secrets, dreams. Try to find a way to be with each other, hold each other, carry each other, at a distance.

Don't pretend you're rehearsing. You don't even have to think about the fact that you're making a show. If you try to treat this like a rehearsal process you will only notice the things that you’re lacking. Instead, embrace and engage with whatever forms you actually have available to you. Whatever medium you’re working in and through - if you’re working for camera, for example - don’t treat this like you’re “documenting” performance material, let it be whatever it actually is. Pretend you’re a video artist. Pretend you’re a poet. Engage with processes and technologies that you’ve never worked with before and don’t understand, and see what happens. Make a mess, and then send that mess - with love - to somebody else, and see what they can make of it. Let yourself get carried away. One day, when this is all over, you’ll find yourself back in a rehearsal room again and all these things you’ve done - however strange, tangental, aimless-seeming, un-theatrical - will speak to you.

Be excessive rather than productive. Make whatever you can think of to make, do whatever you’re able to do, but don't think about it too hard. You don’t have to understand what you're doing or why you're doing it, you don’t even have to try to yet. That can come later. Your work, in this moment, doesn't have to be productive, coherent, ”good”. That too can come later. For now just accumulate, generate baggage, pour out your thoughts and feelings, however chaotic they may be. And put it all somewhere safe, so you can come back to it later, whenever things start to make sense again.

Your work doesn’t have to “respond” to the crisis. You don't have the offer solutions, critiques, analysis, a call to arms, you don’t even have to offer comfort. Your work is whatever you want it to be, and your responsibility is to attend to whatever that is. At the same time, we have found it useful and creative to let circumstances gently shape the process in unexpected ways, and to ask questions of the particular experience and of the moment in general. We have asked ourselves: what have we lost here? And can we re-find that, somehow - can we recover a sense of intimacy, an emotional and even physical closeness - through the things we make for each other? And maybe along the way we’ll catch a trace of what this moment was but quietly, carefully, not an opinion, something smaller than that, more tangible, something real.

Keep it private, if you want to. You don’t have to create products to share instantly. You don't have to make a show for Zoom, unless making a show for Zoom feels like a natural part of the process, something that will feed it, you. For the moment you’re allowed to let whatever you’re doing stay secret and vulnerable and confused, let it get lost whenever it wants to get lost, nobody’s watching. This will all be a show one day, but it doesn't have to be a show yet.

Be good to yourself and each other. This should be obvious. Recognise, for yourself and others, that working online (or through any other remote medium) and having to articulate and share your thoughts and ideas with other people at a distance can be intense and exhausting and sometimes overwhelming. Recognise the sadness and anger and stress and grief of living through these times. Be forgiving. Allow space. Allow emotions to get in the way of the work, if they want to. If you’re setting work for others to do, make sure they have multiple options, so they can chose on any given day, and in any given moment, what they feel able to engage with, what they have energy for. And let somebody else carry the work on the days that you don’t feel able to. You have time.

Finally and more generally: support from venues and organisations right now needs to be generous, open-ended, responsive. Ask artists what they actually feel able to do right now, and how you can continue to support that. If your only response to these extraordinary times is to ask artists to create (cheap, hastily-made) Digital Content for you, all you're going to have when we eventually come out the other side of this is a bunch of iPhone “performances” that nobody's going to have any reason to watch anymore. But if you use this time to invest in and support and encourage artists in their actual creative processes - even if that's not going to give you an instant product that you can stick on your Twitter account - then when we eventually come out the other side of this what you'll have is, you know...actual shows...

Thank you to all the artists and teachers and students who we’ve spoken to over these last weeks, for helping us to articulate and understand what we’re doing and how we’re doing it. Thank you SJ and Alex for accompanying us through this. And thank you Camila, iara, Nhung, Rebeca, for the strange and beautiful adventure you've all taken me on.

Sammy (May 2020)

*The title of this post was stolen, of course, from THIS beautiful show by Ivana Müller.

ESPAÑOL:

Acabamos de pasar las últimas 4 semanas sumergidos en una especie de I+D (investigación y desarrollo) virtual, con un grupo de colaboradoras confinadas en España, la República Checa, y el Reino Unido, como intento de recreación y re-imaginación de la residencia que se suponía que debíamos estar haciendo en Londres en este período con el objetivo de desarrollar y mostrar un primer boceto de lo que será nuestro nuevo espectáculo Swimming Pools. Ha sido extraño, intenso y ensoñado, pero también algo así como milagroso, a veces: las chispas de las revelaciones y la conexión y la cercanía e incluso el simple hecho de seguir (a pesar de todo), como acción en sí misma. Y he pensado que sería bueno compartir algunas de las cosas que hemos aprendido mientras intentábamos juntos mantenerlo a todo (y a nosotros mismos...) a flote, con la esperanza de que pueda ser útil, e incluso alentador, en estos tiempos extraños y difíciles.

Me gustaría reconocer primero el hecho de que hemos sido muy afortunados, ya que pudimos mantener gran parte del apoyo, financiación y compromisos, destinados originalmente a la residencia, algo que es un lujo en este momento aunque no debería serlo; y también quiero unirme al coro de voces que dicen “No Tienes Que Ser Productivo, No Ahora Mismo ”; No todas las crisis deben verse como una oportunidad y, sea cual sea la forma en la que estás navegando esto, es la forma correcta. Pero para cualquiera que se sienta capaz de continuar, de alguna manera, trabajando o simplemente pensando, hablando, imaginando, tal vez algo de esto sea útil.

Trabaja de forma colaborativa. No puedo enfatizar esto lo suficiente. Incluso si normalmente no trabajas de forma colaborativa, busca personas con las que puedas compartir este proceso y experiencia. Cuando se trabaja a distancia, en mitad de una crisis, puede ser extraordinariamente difícil mantener un sentido coherente de lo que estás haciendo mientras lo haces, así que divide el trabajo: designa a alguien para que piense sin hacer, para que todos los demás puedan hacer sin pensar. Proponeos tareas mutuamente, provocaciones, limitaciones; lo que sea que te permita hacer algo, por pequeño que sea, y sentirte acompañado en eso. Y, sobre todo, haced cosas las unas para las otras: enviaos mensajes de audio y vídeos por teléfono, textos, notas, fotografías, todo lo que podáis, y enviadlos a modo de señales de socorro, cartas de amor, secretos, sueños, inspiraciones. Tratad de encontrar una manera de estar juntos, de sosteneros, de llevaros a cuestas unas a otras, a distancia.

No finjáis que estáis ensayando. Ni siquiera tienes que pensar en el hecho de que estás creando un espectáculo. Si pretendes tratar esto como un proceso de ensayo, solo podrás percibir las cosas que te faltan. Trata en cambio de ser permeable, abraza y entrégate al formato y recursos que realmente están a tu disposición. Independientemente del medio en que estés trabajando (por ejemplo, si estás trabajando para la cámara) no trates esto como si estuvieras "documentando" material escénico, deja que sea lo que realmente es. Imagina que eres un cineasta. Imagina que eres un poeta. Aborda y déjate atrapar por procesos y tecnologías con las que nunca has trabajado antes y las cuales no comprendes, y observa qué sucede. Crea una chapuza y luego comparte esa chapuza, con amor, con otra persona y observa qué puede hacer con ella esa otra persona. Déjate llevar. Un día, cuando todo esto termine, volverás a encontrarte en una sala de ensayo y todas estas cosas que has hecho, por extrañas, tangenciales, aparentemente sin rumbo, poco teatrales que parezcan, te hablarán.

Sed excesivos en lugar de productivos. Haz lo que se te ocurra hacer, haz lo que puedas hacer, haz lo que sientas que quieres hacer pero no pienses demasiado en ello. No tienes que entender lo que estás haciendo ni por qué lo estás haciendo, ni siquiera tienes que empezar a intentar entenderlo todavía. Eso puede venir después. Tu trabajo, en este momento, no tiene que ser productivo, ni coherente, ni "bueno". Eso también puede venir después. Por ahora solo acumula, genera equipaje, derrama tus pensamientos y sentimientos, por caóticos que puedan ser. Y colócalo todo en un lugar seguro, para que puedas volver a todo ello más tarde, cuando las cosas empiecen a volver a tener sentido.

Tu trabajo no tiene que "responder" a la crisis. No tienes que ofrecer soluciones, críticas, análisis, ni un llamamiento a las armas, ni siquiera tienes que ofrecer bienestar. Tu trabajo es lo que quieras que sea, y tu responsabilidad es atender y cuidar de lo que sea que es. Al mismo tiempo, hemos encontrado útil y creativo dejar que las circunstancias moldeen suavemente el proceso de maneras inesperadas, y hacer preguntas sobre la experiencia particular y el momento en general. Nos hemos preguntado: ¿qué hemos perdido? y, ¿podemos volver a encontrar eso, de alguna manera?, ¿podemos recuperar la sensación de intimidad, la cercanía emocional e incluso física, a través de las cosas que hacemos las unas para las otras? Y tal vez en el camino podamos encontrar un rastro de lo que ha sido este momento, pero de manera silenciosa, furtiva, con cuidado, no como una opinión, sino como algo más pequeño que eso, más tangible, algo real.

Mantenlo privado, si quieres. No tienes que crear productos para compartir al instante. No tienes que hacer un show para Zoom, a menos que hacer un show para Zoom parezca una parte natural del proceso, algo que lo alimente, algo que te alimente. Por el momento, se te permite dejar que lo que sea que estás haciendo permanezca en secreto, vulnerable y confundido, y que se pierda cuando quiera perderse, nadie está observando. Todo esto será un espectáculo algún día, pero no tiene que ser un espectáculo todavía. Sé bueno contigo mismo, contigo misma, y con los y las demás.

Esto debería ser obvio. Cuidaos. Reconoce, para ti y para los demás que trabajar online (o a través de cualquier otro medio remoto) y tener que articular y compartir tus pensamientos e ideas con otras personas a distancia puede ser intenso y agotador y, a veces, abrumador. Reconoce la tristeza, la ira, el estrés y el dolor de vivir estos tiempos. Sé indulgente. Permítete espacio. Permite que las emociones se interpongan en el camino del trabajo, si así lo desean. Si estás configurando el trabajo para que otros lo hagan, asegúrate de que tienen múltiples opciones para que puedan elegir en cualquier día y en cualquier momento, con qué se sienten capaces de participar, dónde pueden o quieren colocar la energía qué tienen entonces. Y deja que otra persona se encargue del trabajo los días que tú no te sientas capaz. Tienes tiempo.

Finalmente y como nota más general: el apoyo de los centros, organizaciones e instituciones en este momento debe ser generoso, receptivo, abierto. Preguntadles a los artistas qué se sienten capaces de hacer en este momento y mirad cómo podéis continuar apoyando eso. Si tu respuesta a estos tiempos extraordinarios es pedirles a los artistas que creen contenido digital (barato, hecho a toda prisa) para tu programa, todo lo que tendrás cuando finalmente lleguemos al otro lado de esto serán un montón de "actuaciones digitales” que ya nadie tendrá razón alguna para volver a ver. Pero si usáis este tiempo para invertir y apoyar y alentar a los artistas en sus procesos creativos reales, incluso si eso no te da un producto instantáneo que puedas colgar en tu cuenta de Instagram, entonces cuando finalmente lleguemos al otro lado de esto lo que tendrás es, ya sabes... trabajos reales.

Gracias a todos los artistas, amigos, maestros y estudiantes con quienes hemos hablado durante estas últimas semanas, por ayudarnos a articular y comprender lo que estábamos haciendo y cómo lo estábamos haciendo. Gracias SJ y Alex por acompañarnos en esto. Y gracias Camila, iara, Nhung, Rebeca, por la extraña y hermosa aventura a través de la cual me habéis llevado.

Sammy (mayo de 2020)

*El título de esta publicación ha sido traducido, después de robado, de ESTE hermoso espectáculo de Ivana Müller.

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blackgirlblues · 4 years

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Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi,

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry.

I know it’s a lonely place to be in.

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it.

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems.

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase.

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer.

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history.

Big yikes.

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music.

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power.

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true.

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label.

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company.

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite.

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards.

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms.

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place.

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya.

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold.

But I still got out of it and I’m still here.

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true.

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer.

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life.

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours.

and then never put any more energy into them again.

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it.

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive.

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music.

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music.

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life.

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top.

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

#blackgirlology #black girl #black power #black love #black blogger #Black Blogs #music #blog #blogger #journal #journaling #diary entry #diary of a black girl #diary #dear diary #tumblr diary #dreams

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bthenoise · 5 years

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Q&A: Hear How Frank Iero Wants You To Become The Future Violents With Third Solo LP ‘Barriers’

All photos by Julius Aguilar

When you think of Frank Iero, we’re sure a lot of things come to mind. He’s a musician, he’s a dad, he’s an active user on Twitter. What most people might not realize is that Frank Iero is a huge music fan -- like, the guy knows way more about things you didn’t even know existed in the first place.

For example, take a certain guitar used by a late-60′s early-70′s band called The Wrecking Crew. Frank, being the musical factoid that he is, was able to spurt out knowledge dating back years from a recent documentary he had watched. Knowing this, we knew we had to take the former My Chemical Romance member to Arizona’s approximately 200,000 square-foot Musical Instrument Museum.

There, Frank and Noise contributor Jimmy Smith were able to walk the halls, discover instruments dating back to the 1800′s and discuss the upcoming Frank Iero And The Future Violents record Barriers.

For a glimpse into the knowledgable and insightful hang out, which also dove deep into Frank’s life-changing car accident between a city bus and his tour van, be sure to look below. Afterward, make sure to pre-order Frank’s forthcoming LP Barriers before it hits stores May 31st via UNFD.

Alright, so maybe the easiest or the hardest question I’ll ask you all day: What was the best thing you saw here at the Musical Instrument Museum?

Oh man, Tommy Tedesco’s [Telecaster]. That was unreal. I had no idea that [they] had that here. Like, I’ve seen documentaries on The Wrecking Crew and you learn about the incredible players they all were and how many songs that particular guitar has been on that you wouldn't even know. And just to kind of see it sitting there, it's like, “Wow.”

Were there any out-of-the-box instruments you would want to get on a record of yours?

That's the thing. Any chance you have to get an instrument in your hands and try to learn the inner workings of it and what kind of sound you can get out of it, that stuff's amazing. I like to sometimes try to take a step back and approach it from a side I don’t know and think about like, “How would I think of this instrument if I had never seen anyone else play it before? Like, how would I get a sound out of it that I’ve never heard?” And that’s kind of fun.

What do you think is the most unique instrument you've actually used on a record?

Well, early on in the My Chem days, a theremin was on [a record] but it's definitely not like one [that’s noticable]. Because it was just really a bit of a little sprinkle on top. That's an odd one to play. On this next record that we're releasing at the end of May, there's a song on Barriers called “Basement Eyes.” I wanted church bells, I wanted the chorus to have this Phil Spector kind of vibe with like percussion and almost like that feeling you get when you listen to The Crystals. “And Then He Kissed Me,” that kind of thing. So we rented this piano -- I guess, you’re not going to be able to see this reading this -- but it's like a desktop kind of thing, like maybe three-and-a-half feet tall, not a lot of keys and maybe an octave and a half. It's called a Viber-Charm and they sold it to churches that didn't have a lot of money and didn't have the pipe organ sort of church bells and they can play different things on this keyboard. And I mean, it had to be from like the 50s. [It had] braided cables, everything looked like it was going to catch on fire at any moment. And that made a resounding sound on that song. That's how we achieved that.

So obviously with every record you do you want to spice it up and do things differently. What else did you bring to the table this time around aside from adding new members?

Well, this was this is a fun one to do because I was able to really chase tones that I wanted to get. Usually, you don't have a lot of time in a studio, especially when you're a smaller artist or self-funding and stuff like that. [Usually,] you’re going into the studio with, you know, say 17 days or two weeks or something like that and you're trying to get 12 to 14 songs out. This record, we did 17 days and we did 17 songs. Steve Albini is the one that engineered this record. He’s just such a master of his craft. And I mean, he’s the only person that you work with that doesn't have any help, it’s just him in the studio. No ones there. Like someone goes and gets coffee sometimes. Other than that, like no one touches a microphone or anything. Like, he sets up everything himself. He's at the board. He does edits on tape, of course, it's like straight two-inch tape. You need someone that is so unbelievably versed in their craft to be able to make that time work. And we mixed in that amount of time as well.

Wow. Did you enjoy having that kind of time crunch?

[Laughs] There's definitely a picture of me [and] the whole band at the end of the session I posted on my Instagram. I look like someone that is like, “Oh my god, I can't believe we finished this.” And yeah, I mean, it's hard. You sleep at the studio too. So you record [all day] and then you can go in after hours and work on stuff. But like, you're there a lot and it's the second time in my life that I had an episode of sleep paralysis. Like, one of the nights, I woke up and my brain had woken up first but my body didn't. And I was like, “Oh no!” It's the scariest experience ever. So I was definitely stressed. But we got it done.

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A post shared by frnkiero (@frankieromustdie) on Mar 29, 2019 at 2:06pm PDT

Did the sleep paralysis affect any of the songs at all? Did it make you think differently about your lyrics maybe?

No [laughs]. Like, I've had it twice. Once it happened, I was in My Chemical Romance at the time, and I don't know if we were recording but I was definitely stressed out. And I didn't know what it was. And that [time] was like, “Oh man, there must be” -- I was in a hotel, I was like, “This must be haunted.” Like, immediately I went to that because it feels like someone's pushing you down and you can't move at all but you're fully awake and aware that you can't move and that's why it’s so scary. The second time it happened during this recording, I woke up and I was on my side, and I remember being like, “Oh no, it's happened again” [laughs].

The ghost found you!

[Laughs] Yeah! The ghost found me! Like, “Oh great, he’s followed me now.” But I heard this -- it almost felt like a laser starting from the top my head and going all the way down and I heard “zzzzzzzzzzz” like I was being scanned. It was crazy. And then when it finally got to my feet, [snaps] I woke up. I was able to come out of it and I immediately Googled it like “What the fuck is this?!” So I saw this sleep paralysis thing that said sometimes when your brain wakes up before your body, you can carry through a dream that you're having. So if you're having a nightmare, you'll see things from your nightmare and that’s why people think it's like, “Oh no, it's a demon holding me” and it freaks you out. But it's like, “Oh my god” [laughs].

So just talking about the people you brought in for this record, some of them you’ve known for a very long time. Like Tucker Rule, for example. What is it like to get to play in a band with him?

Oh, man, it's a dream come true. Like Matt [Amrstrong] too, I've known both of those guys since maybe 2000 or 2001. I saw them play in respected bands that I thought were just unreal. I mean, Thursday was one of the greatest live bands, and still is, that I've ever seen. And I remember being like, “Wow, I would love to play with Tucker.” And I got to play with Tucker later on in the 2000s when our drummer from My Chem Bob [Bryar] got sick and had to go home. I think Tucker came in for an Australian tour and that was really awesome. He was fantastic. I mean, he's a fantastic drummer it was great to play with him. But I remember being like, “I wish I could write songs with him.” Like he's playing parts that someone else wrote. And that's always weird. It's almost like putting on your dad’s suit. Like, you could look good in it but you're never going to look like it's yours.

So I was like, “Wouldn't it be cool to be able to write songs with this guy?” And then Matt, he was in a band called Murder By Death. And I remember them when they were Little Joe Gould. And they came into the Eyeball [Records] family through Tucker and Thursday. And I remember being like, “Wow, I thought Thursday was good. Like, holy shit, this band is unreal!” And I mean, there was completely different instrumentation. Of course, there was a cello player and keyboard player and just the things that they were doing, I think let everyone in our little microcosm know it's not just about “I got these four chords, I'm gonna write this song.” It's like, “You should and can do so much more.” And I think that kind of blew the doors off for everybody and that's when we started to really take it seriously and try to get better. I remember thinking like, “Oh man, how cool would it be to be in a band with that guy? That kid can play.”

So is it kind of weird to think in a weird way you’re sort of their boss since it’s your band?

It's weird to be in that position because I never wanted that. I've always had bands and always started bands and ended up in that position because I was the one that started it or no one else wanted to do that job so it was like, “Alright. Well, someone's got to do it, so I guess I'll do it.” But I very much love that idea of a community being like, “Alright, we're all in this together. We all have equal say.” I like the writing process of that where you bounce ideas off of each other.

So it was collaborative writing with all the members for this project?

For this one, a lot of the songs started just in my head and that's kind of how this solo project has gone. But on this record in particular, because I think we had such high caliber musicians, two songs started with ideas that my brother Even Nestor had. And two songs, one of which made the record, started with Matt. So that was a kind of a thing like, “Hey, I have this riff. Do you think we could use it?” And we would jam out on it and all of a sudden it’s a song.

Do you have a favorite song on the record?

I do [laughs].

Which one is it?

It's called “Medicine Square Garden.” It was one of those where I wrote it, had it in my head and I was like, “This is going to be really difficult to explain to someone how this song is supposed to go.” And it's either going to work or it's not. It's going to be one of those things where if it doesn't work, I'm going to be bummed because I think it's really good but I need people to like -- I don't think I could have done it with anybody else other than this bad. It's crazy. It's one of those songs that I really took a leap of faith on. And since it did pay off and it is still one of my favorite songs, I feel like that's how I knew it it was a successful record.

Getting to hear the record early, it’s interesting that after your accident, you could have gone two ways with how you wrote it: Angry and pissed off at the world or calm and just looking to get back to basics. Was that something you considered when writing Barriers?

Well I think for me, having that accident, I knew I couldn't write a record without addressing it because it was such a huge moment in my life and it changed everything. I knew I'm a different person because of it. And there was this huge elephant in the room that I knew I had to talk about and I had to address it and it had to be, if not a focal point of the record, it had to be -- just, it was there within everything I was writing so I needed something to be dedicated to it. But everything I started to write about just didn't feel right. Like I didn't feel like I was getting everything out the way you do, there's so much to say. And the words just weren't there. I would write something and be like, “that doesn't sum it up.” It's hard to sum up a life-changing experience like that. So that was kind of my wall that I had. And I didn't think I was going to be able to do a record. That's why too I was like, “You know, I'm just gonna take some time.” And it just so happened that Tucker ended up being free. Matt became free. Evan was free and then, Kayleigh Goldsworthy, who's the fifth member of the band. And that's when I was like, “Oh man, this is a sign. It’s like now or never. If I don't write the songs, then I'm gonna miss out.” So then all of a sudden, it all started to come out and this song called “Six Feet Down Under” emerged. And it's basically just my conversation with my therapist of trying to explain how I'm feeling and like, “I know you're trying to help and the things you're saying are very nice and they come from a good spot and I know you're really smart and that's really awesome but like it doesn't mean anything [laughs] if I can't believe that this is all real.” And getting that across, I think really opened the floodgates for me to be able to finish everything else.

Have you had a wall like that in your songwriting career before?

That was a huge one.

Was there anything similar to that previously?

Minor things. You know, there's some childhood things that you have a hard time fully grasping until you get older. Like the divorce of my parents and things of that nature, like trying to make sense of all that. Family, addiction and certain things that I went through. But nothing like this one, because I feel like this was -- it's weird. Childhood trauma evolves. You know, you start to see different sides of things and you've had the time -- there are some people that say “You have your entire life to write your first record” and then you have like maybe six months to write your second basically. With this one, it was still so fresh. And [the accident] happened to me in my adulthood. It happened at a time where I kind of felt like -- like, I had a family. I thought I had things figured out. And immediately [snaps] everything changed.

It shook you up a little.

Yeah, absolutely. I feel like at 25 you go crazy. 30 you're like, “Alright, I'm okay with not knowing everything.” Around 35 you’re like, “Well, I'm starting to get my shit together. And then you get hit by a bus” [laughs]. And you're like, “Oh man, I know nothing again.”

Okay, so then just wrapping up. I was wondering if your three band names -- the Cellabration, the Patience, and The Future Violents -- have any sort of connection?

So the Cellabration was, in my head, it was my first time as a solo artist and I didn't feel comfortable in that role so I wanted to bring along something that felt boisterous and exciting so that would take away from my, you know, like, “It’s just me up here. It’s weird” [feeling]. And I spelled it differently because I like the idea of it being like a cellular thing, like this building block of life and it's going to start from here and evolve and grow and change. So that's where that came from. The Patience was me kind of getting over the idea that I needed something to take away from me. I really wanted something that would kind of even me out and just that self-fulfilling prophecy of bringing this virtue along where you kind of take a step back and appreciate the now. I've spent so much time like, “What's next, what's next? Alright, this tour is going, alright, cool. I'm gonna get home here and then when I'm home, the next tour I’m going to do is this.” And it's like, you live so fast that you don't appreciate what's actually happening. And I don't want that.

And then this time around, The Future Violents, I started to think about how life is kind of this -- it's like you're staring at a lake and you can passively take it all in and see the things swimming underneath and maybe how the wind kind of takes the current. And we do that sometimes, we live vicariously through other people and sometimes, you know, just having it be serene is nice. And then the “active” way to live by is to kind of pick up a stone on the side and throw it in and see the ripples that go on and really affect it. And I think that act is a violent act that disrupts things [but] doesn't have to necessarily have a negative connotation. You know, it's about leaving a footprint and changing things and being conscious enough to want to disrupt what's there and hopefully in a positive way and see that ripple go on and affect other people and like bellow out. So, collectively, I'd like to think that the band and the people that are listening to this record are The Future Violents, the ones that go out and create a change and hopefully listen to this record that we've made -- a record that I used to break down these walls and barriers that I had set up -- and use it to destroy their own barriers and go out there and do things that scare the fuck out of you. Because that's the only time that we do something really wonderful is when we're so frightened that we're not going to do it right. And that's the best part.

#Frank Iero #Frank Iero And The Future Violents #UNFD #Interview #My Chemical Romance

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hvlfwygod · 4 years

Text

wheel of fortune | ben, chase & jacob

summary: tarot and tension. Jacob helps guide a path for a quest no one wants to go on.

The day after Ben was let out of the hospital, Chiron called him, Chase, and Jacob to the Big House. Jacob had mentioned wanting to tell him more about his vision, but the fact that he was being summoned like this gave the situation a new gravity. Like the nightmares weren't just something he just had to learn to live with but a problem with a solution he could reach.

Ben was starting to suspect he hadn't hallucinated his mother the other night, after all.

He walked inside, Jacob at his side. Chase was already there. Ben helped Jacob find a seat and then lowered into a chair himself. He pulled the pendant, borrowed from Chase this morning, off from around his neck and wordlessly passed it to the son of Morpheus.

Chiron was reading something in front of him and placed a bookmark in the novel before looking up at the three demigods before him. "Good afternoon. Let us get right to it, as I'm sure you're all aware of why you are here. So! I hear," he said carefully, "Jacob has a vision to share."

Chase tried to avoid eye contact with Chiron during their time alone and took the pendant readily when Ben walker in. He turned the top half of his torso to face Jacob expectantly, neck still a bit sore, but more manageable at this point.

Jacob folded his cane on his lap and took a moment to organize his thoughts. "Yes. Right. I had this vision the night before Ben returned," he explained to begin. "Of a row of colourful houses, and an ocean sweeping through them. The wind was howling and someone had a kettle on. I was on a worn stone path that later turned into a gravel road with a lighthouse at the end. In between those two tableaus, there was a figure which I believe must represent the two of you."

He ran back over the vision in his mind, relieved to have listened to his recording of it only minutes prior. "In front of the lighthouse was a man, I'd say thirties to forties, with plain features and brown hair. He was in a business suit that seemed out of place. As I watched, he untied his tie and then something from behind him grabbed it and began choking him with it." Jacob touched his own neck in sympathy. "As I tried to move around him, it was as though wading through honey, and looking over his shoulder was fruitless as well. When I tried to touch him, I was put in darkness, and when light returned there was an old woman in front of me. I was unable to move and she repeated the same word, 'spy', over and over again until it became too much."

Here, Jacob took another pause to shake off the chill creeping up his spine at the memory. He caught his breath. "It stopped all at once. She told me to shh-" he put a finger to his lips. "-and then I woke up." The last sentence was said with finality. "Now, last night I did a tarot reading to gain some more insight into what this could entail. Before I continue, are there any new developments on either of your ends relating to this vision or that may affect it?"

Ben listened to Jacob quietly, staring at a spot on the floor in front of him. He hadn't heard the details of the vision before and getting it all recounted sent a chill along his spine. When the question was posed, he glanced up and looked to Chase, slowly, so it wouldn't hurt too much. "Um," he started. "We both started to be, um," he looked away again, "controlled, in our dreams. I don't know if that counts."

Chiron had his arms crossed over his chest, looking troubled. "Do you know where this place might be, Jacob? Hazard a guess? I was advised by Olympus that you two," he looked to Ben and Chase, "were advised where to go."

Chase wrapped his arms around himself as Jacob spoke. He waited for him to stop and nodded. “I had a dream about bright houses near an ocean too.” His voice was stronger than it had been a few days ago. “Uh, and yeah, something controlled us...?” He looked at Chiron now. “Morpheus said that there was some... hag in Newfoundland? And that she was trying to sap my powers? With the mist and stuff.” He frowned, unhappy to see that Ben was apparently still a part of this, other than just being an instrument in some sort of assassination plot.

Once Chase said it, Ben knew. He closed his eyes. "Nemesis said the same to me."

Jacob exhaled. “Yes, Newfoundland makes sense. The lighthouse was prominent as well, although the province is littered with them. Somewhere on the coast, at least we know that. I’m afraid in terms of exact location, my knowledge is vague.”

Chiron took a deep breath. "Alright. The coast of Newfoundland. I unfortunately think this is something we can't delay on. You two will have to go expeditiously."

Ben stiffened, then stared at the ceiling, as if his mother could see him glaring at her from here.

Chiron continued. "Jacob, can you share your reading?"

"The lighthouse was in my dream too," Chase added quietly. He frowned at Ben and closed his eyes as he sighed. Of course.

Jacob dipped his head in a nod. "I used a spread that has been useful in the past. The problem, the perpetrator, who can fix it, how to fix it, the goal, and the outcome." He leaned forward and tapped six different spots on the table in front of him to demonstrate where each card would go.

"For the problem, I drew the five of pentacles, which usually would represent a sort of poverty or financial destitution. Outside of monetary matters, it can stand for loneliness or despair." Jacob tapped the next spot over on the table. "The perpetrator, two cards came. It appears as though you may encounter more than one enemy on this quest. The first, the 7 of cups– illusions, fool's gold, dreams. I imagine this card would stand for this hag, as you put it, who has been controlling you. The second card was the Emperor, reversed. Inflexibility, excessive control, likely a male figure so I believe this to stand for the man I saw in my vision. His suit and tie gave him the appearance of a businessman– there is a high chance, I believe, that he would tie into the financial hardships brought up by the first card. Now, this part is conjecture, but as I witnessed him slowly strangled from behind I do not believe him to be entirely behind this; more likely, the hag has been using him as well as you two."

Jacob moved his hand to the third space. "This part is simple. Who can fix it? Again, two cards. Justice and the Moon, for Nemesis and Morpheus respectively. You two." He continued down to the bottom left spot. "Three of pentacles for how to fix it. I'm afraid it is no simple black and white answer to solve your quest for you– the three of pentacles represents collaboration, between the two of you, and the value of different ideas. Both of you will have something to contribute, and to succeed you need to play off of each other's strengths and ideas."

"The goal came up as the Wheel of Fortune. It can stand for all kinds of things along the lines of success, which, quite obviously, is the goal– but combined with the original card, the problem, it appears as though something has fallen off balance or into excess. The Wheel of Fortune represents life cycles, so if it is the goal, I imagine you are trying to put something back on track. Restore something so it can continue on its original path."

Jacob tapped the sixth and final spot that he had originally motioned to and sat back in his chair. "And at last, the outcome. Again, two cards– a double-edged sword, if you will. The 3 of cups, standing for homecoming and celebration, and the 10 of swords, for betrayal and ruin." He tapped his fingers against his cane. "Although both could, unfortunately, be true, there is also a chance this is a glimpse into two different possible outcomes. One if you succeed, and the other should you fail."

With a sigh, he pulled his sunglasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have more interpretations, of course. A few ideas on how these different cards may come together to paint a broader picture, though I am unsure if it is wise to share these lest I put you on the wrong track."

As Jacob spoke, Ben started to look more and more haggard. He ran a hand down his face. "Ugh." There was no point in hiding his feelings if no one else in the room was, either. He turned to his roommate. "Thanks," he said to him, quietly. Then he brought his attention back to Chiron. "I don't, either."

"We can doctor them," Chiron offered. "I know it is rather, unconventional but, I think the time is of the essence. I will let you two decide but, considering the situation..." He sighed. "I think it would be better, for both of you, to solve this immediately. I will help you however I can. Funds, weapons, whatever you need."

Jacob nodded at Ben and put his hand on his roommate's arm, just briefly, before returning it to his lap.

Chase leaned back in the chair and frowned. "I can 'these are not the droids you're looking for' if we run into trouble crossing the border." He picked at a thread in his pants. "I think... we'll need a car?" He looked at Ben. "Do you know how to drive?" He looked back to Chiron once again, sitting up a bit straighter. He figured he might as well start taking this seriously as soon as he could. "I have a weapon. My father mentioned my scimitar specifically." He ran a hand through his hair. "When will have the fake passports by?"

"A day or so," Chiron replied. "You can take the RV and any additional supplies you need."

Ben waited for Chiron to finish before answering Chase. "I don't know how to drive," he mumbled. "Sorry."

"Cool." Chase exhaled a sigh. "Those funds you mentioned wouldn't happen to include plane tickets at all? Since this has to be done so quickly?"

"We don't know where exactly to go," Ben muttered. "And we'd need a car to get around once we get there." He glanced up again. "Any god that could give me the ability to drive so we could alternate?" He sighed and leaned back in the seat again.

Chiron sighed. "The flying RV was damaged in the last quest, unfortunately. And Bentley is correct, I can't say how long you'll be searching once you arrive. It would be better this way, so you don't have to pay for accommodation and leave a possible trail."

Chase stopped himself from sighing again. He nodded slowly and pressed his lips together. "Okay, yeah." He sucked his cheeks in. "Okay. I guess we'll meet back here when the passports are ready?"

Chiron nodded. "Yes, I'll let you both know. Thank you, Jacob, for your guidance. I'll do all I can to ensure a safe a speedy quest."

Ben was pretty it hadn't hit him, yet, what was being asked of them. It felt so impossible it was unreal. "Sure. Thanks," was all he said. "See you then." He turned to Jacob. "Ready to go?"

"Let me know if you need anything else," Jacob responded to Chiron as he got to his feet. He nodded at Ben. "I'll follow your lead."

#ben x chase #benchase5 #ben x jacob #benjacob3 #ben #wheel of fortune

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technoskittles · 5 years

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“I don’t see what’s wrong with me taking a nap right here, right now.” for marichat or nalu

(I’m gonna do marichat bc I got another nalu prompt so nalu content is still on the way)

“I don’t see what’s wrong with me taking a nap right here, right now,” Chat drawled, stretching out his arms before nestling deeper into his spot, eyes fluttering shut.

Marinette huffed and prodded one of his cheeks with her finger. “Because you’re sprawled across my lap and I’m trying to work. This project is due tomorrow and I’ve already fallen so far behind! If I turn in any more late assignments the professor will fail me!”

Chat yawned, unconcerned. “C’mon Mari, you won’t fail and we both know that. You’re one of the best fashion students that university has ever had. If they failed you it’s their loss.”

Marinette rolled her eyes and shifted her legs in an attempt to jostle Chat enough to get him off her lap. It didn’t work. He was a stubborn one, for sure. “Without this degree I won’t get a good job anywhere though. And then all my hard work will be for nothing.” She leaned over Chat to pick up a pair of fabric scissors on the table, straining to get a straight cut with the weight bearing down on her. “I can’t give up on my dream when I’ve gotten this far.”

Chat lazily opened one of his eyes to see Marinette’s determined expression. Her tongue was poking out of the corner of her mouth adorably, brows furrowed in total concentration. It was cute. She was cute.

But he also noticed the bags under her eyes, a deep purple that looked downright painful. He frowned.

“When was the last time you’ve slept?”

“Doesn’t matter.” She finished off the cut with a flourish, dropping the scissors back onto her desk. She held up the fabric, eyeing it carefully to see how accurate her cut was.

Chat sighed and finally decided to raise off of Marinette’s lap but didn’t climb off. Instead he leaned into her personal space, eyes boring into her own sagging ones, dull with sleep deprivation and absolute exhaustion.

“Yes, it does matter,” he said firmly and raised a hand when she made a sound of objection. “There’s no way you’ll do your best work if you’re on the brink of passing out.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment, gazing at her worriedly. “Are your classes really that difficult on you? Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?”

Marinette’s eyes widened in something akin to panic for a second before she averted her eyes. They darted around the room, finding something new to rest on every couple of seconds. “Some-something like that,” she mumbled.

Chat lifted a hand to twist one of her braids in-between his fingers, noting how the ends with frayed and lackluster. “You know, Ladybug’s been pretty exhausted too lately.”

He felt Marinette stiffen under his touch and she actually shrunk away. “R-really? I, uh…I hadn’t noticed.” She pressed her lips together and swatted his hand away, still not looking at him. “She always seems so energetic when she’s saving Paris.” She punctuated the statement with a nervous laugh, finally flicking her gaze over to him with a sheepishness to her smile.

Chat shrugged. “We’ve been busy. What with the surge in akuma attacks lately.” He smirked and leaned close again, reveling in the squeak that left Marinette’s mouth as she leaned back, eyes blown wide. “She’s been getting kind of sloppy if you ask me.”

Chat watched Marinette’s brows raise before furrowing as she puffed her cheeks. “Hey! That’s not true!” Then she suddenly reared back, more uneasy laughter spilling from her lips as she averted her gaze once more and rubbed the back of her neck. “I-I mean, I don’t think it’s true. I think she’s doing a great job.”

He smiled and leaned back, giving Marinette her space again and watching as she visibly deflated from letting out a breath. “She always does,” he says fondly. “But she needs her rest, just like someone else know.” He raised his eyebrows and hummed for emphasis.

She rolled her eyes again. “I already said I’m fine, Chat. But I won’t be if you don’t let me finish this assignment.” She reached behind him to make a grab for her supplies, but he caught her arm before she could. She turned on him quickly, leveling a glare into his neon gaze, only to be met with a gaze as steely as her own.

“Let me go, Chat.”

“Not until you promise to get some rest.”

Marinette groaned and attempted to free herself, but Chat tightened his grip and reeled her arm in-between their bodies. “You’re going to be okay, Marinette,” he promised softly.

“Look, I can handle it just fine! I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to go to school for a fashion degree. Late nights are part of the deal.” When he didn’t relent she growled in frustration and tried to yank her arm back again. “I said I’m fine!”

“You’re just as stubborn as her, too,” he chuckled good-naturedly.

Marinette blinked. “As who?”

“Ladybug.”

Marinette stuck her tongue out and gave her arm another yank. “Or maybe you’re just really pushy.”

“Why do you care so much about a dumb degree anyway? You have more than enough talent to get a job now at some high-brow agency and we both know it.”

“Most agencies won’t even look at candidates without a degree nowadays.”

Chat sat there in thought for a moment. Then, “What about the Agreste Company?”

Marinette froze at the name, blinking a few times before scrunching her nose and looking down. “After everything that happened with Gabriel? I’m not sure I’d want to work for a company that can barely stand on two legs.”

Chat frowned. It was true. His father’s fashion company was plummeting in popularity ever since it was unveiled that Hawkmoth - his very own father - was heading it. It left more than a sour taste in everyone’s mouths. His more than anyone else’s. Stocks and sales had been crashing ever since that horrific fact had been uncovered and the business itself was struggling to keep its head high in a sea of disapproval and public scrutiny.

But he’d been working hard to change that. Adrien never had much of a vested interest in fashion himself, only forced into it at his father’s request. At first, he wanted more than anyone to see it go under.

It wasn’t until some time after, looking through photographs of his mother, sickened with the knowledge of what his father had really been doing all this time as Hawkmoth, that Adrien realized he just couldn’t allow that to happen. Not for his father’s sake or his own, but for his mother’s. She had just as much a part in starting up the company alongside his father and she had put just as much hard work into building it as Gabriel had.

So Adrien had decided to step up, taking the wildly spinning wheel of an already half-sunken ship. He’d started public campaigns to improve the company’s image, denouncing his father and all of his actions. He changed company policies, hired new (albeit reluctant) designers to replace the ones who’d left after his father’s arrest. He partnered with non-profits, donated to a numerous amount of charities with his already limited funds that had been steadily decreasing since the company’s decline, did collaborations with other fashion companies…doing everything short of revealing himself as Chat Noir, Paris’ very own superhero who helped take Hawkmoth down to keep the company afloat.

“Well, from what I’ve heard, that Adrien Agreste has taken over since then, right? And he’s trying to build it back up.” He waggled his eyebrows. “And if I recall correctly, didn’t you use to go to school with him sometime ago?”

Marinette whipped her head up and immediately started sputtering, wildly flailing her arm around. “What? I mean, yeah but….that was years ago! We haven’t really talked much since then and…no! I couldn’t!”

Chat tilted his head to the side. “Why not?”

“I’m not going to take advantage of him like that! It’s…it’s cheating!”

Chat shrugged. “I don’t see how. I mean, you’ve designed for the company before, right? You won that competition? And you’re more than qualified enough.” The more he thought about it, the more convinced he was that Marinette would be an excellent addition to his team. Maybe if she joined, they might be able to rise back up to join the game.

Of course, he wasn’t offering for entirely selfish reasons. He knew that Marinette would benefit just as much from the deal as he would. It was a win-win if you asked him.

“I can’t just ask for a job just because I know Adrien!” Marinette argued.

Chat laughed, a full-bellied one. “That’s exactly what networking is, Marinette. It’s what the industry thrives on. Knowing the right people.” When Marinette still seemed unconvinced, he pushed on. “Besides, like I said, you’re more than talented enough to get a job from him.”

Marinette remained silent, eyes dropping down to where his hand still gripped her arm. He brushed his thumb across her skin.

“If you want, I can always ask him for you?”

“That’s worse!”

“Then you ask him.” Finally he dropped her arm, letting it fall between them and taking one of her braids in his hand again. “And when you get the job-”

“If I get the job.”

“When you get the job,” he repeated and tugged gently on her hair, “you can stop killing yourself over meaningless assignments like this and skip straight to the part where you become a successful fashion designer. The best there ever was.” And then he offered her a smile, brilliant and blinding.

Marinette chewed on her bottom lip in thought. “I don’t know, Chat…”

“If you’re still unsure, maybe think about the fact that you are probably the exact kind of person Adrien Agreste needs on his side. If anything, he probably needs you more than you need him.” And that was also true. Marinette was good, almost too good, for someone like him and his dying company. If she still rejected the idea, he couldn’t exactly blame her for it.

He dropped her braid back onto her shoulder and softened his tone. “But ultimately, it’s still your decision to make, Mari. I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”

Blue eyes drifted up to look into his with a soft smile painted on her lips. He returned it before reaching out to grab her shoulders. “Except sleep. I am absolutely making you sleep and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Then he hopped off her lap, picking her up with next to no effort and crushed her to his chest.

“Wha-Chat! Put me down!”

But he was already climbing the ladder to her loft bed, keeping her tucked underneath one arm. “No can do, Princess. I will make you get some rest if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Oh it will be the last thing you do!”

————

Two days later, Marinette was nervously gnawing on her lip as she juggled her phone between her hands. She swiveled back in forth in her desk chair and her sighs could practically be heard all the way down to the bakery two floors down.

Tikki floated in front of her, a reassuring smile pushing up her chubby cheeks. “You can do it, Marinette.”

Marinette returned the smile and finally stilled. “Thanks, Tikki.”

And then she pressed “call”.

Her heart hammered in her chest, bruising her rib cage from the sheer force of it as she listened to the line trill on and on. It was the most grueling three seconds of her life.

“Hi, you’ve reached Agreste Designs, how can I-”

“Adrien?”

There was a brief pause before a stunned, “Marinette? Is that you?”

Marinette smiled, gaze drifting over to her kwami who gave her a thumbs up. Taking a deep breath, she gave herself just a moment to gather up all the courage she could muster.

Then, “Yeah. I heard you’re looking for some new fashion designers. Can we talk?”

#marichat #miraculous ladybug #mlb #chat noir #marinette dupain chang #adrien agreste #ladybug #this got a lot longer than I had anticipated holy shit #but yeah I don't have ages in mind for this #but marinette is in college #so she's def around 18 or something #so is adrien #ash writes #Anonymous #ash asks

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matildainmotion · 5 years

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What To Do When You Don’t Get Your Arts Council Funding: The Unofficial Guide.

There is an official guide. The ‘Decision Letter’ I got yesterday had a heading, Next Steps which explained how Lizzy and I could re-apply, start a new application for Mothers Who Make. ‘Decision Letter’ means, “It’s a no.” Last time, when it was a ‘yes’ I didn’t get a Decision Letter. I got an ‘Offer Letter’ so I knew it was a ‘no’ the moment I saw the word ‘Decision’ on the application portal that is Grantium. Grantium, the portal with a portentous Latin-sounding name into which, personally, I think every single artist that is courageous enough to enter to apply for funding should receive a reward for bravery. It is an epic quest involving the modern day Herculean labours of performing precise word-counts, particular codes of expression, statistical data gathering, budget-balancing – and at the end of it all there may be riches and glory or there may be this Decision Letter of Doom that coolly, in one curt sentence, acknowledges our efforts and disappointment and then says, ‘Next Steps.’ But before we even think about going through that modern mythic portal again, before we consider reapplying there are some other ‘Next Steps’ that need to be taken. Here they are:

Step 1: Swear

Swear loudly. Hope the children are not nearby. Even if they are this stage must be performed. Do not skip it out. Repeat as necessary. There is not much more to be said about this step. You will know when you have completed it.

Step 2: Wish it Were Different

For weeks I have been holding both possible outcomes in my mind. Unbidden they play out when I shut my eyes at night. The application went in under my name - even though it was a collaborative effort with Lizzy and Improbable- so I will find out about it first. I imagine making the phone call to her: “Hello,” she says. “We got it!” I say. She is delighted. Thrilled. It is incredibly exciting. Breath. It might not happen that way, I have been telling myself. In fact, I am pretty sure it won’t. I don’t think we are going to get this one. I don’t play out the conversation of that other phone call because it’s not fun, but I try to hold this heaviness in my belly to balance out the hope. I concentrate on the heavy feeling. But still, like the summer light that seeps through my children’s curtains at night, I can’t get rid of the hope altogether, and now that the disappointment is here, is incontrovertible, I have to deal with the leftover hope. It hangs around. It is curious how this happens. How even when the waiting is over at last, all those weeks of hoping cannot simply be swept away. They haunt me still. What if I had been able to ring up and declare, “We got it!”? I even have a fantasy that I should have done this. That I could have pretended we had received the longed for outcome and then I could cunningly have drummed up £50k in some other way, just so that I could get the hit of that moment of good news.

There are flickers of other ‘if onlys’ also: if only I had been savvy enough to forsee that we would have been considered weak in such and such particular area on the mythic portal. If only we had put in more or different evidence of need and quality.

This step is longer and more painful than the swearing step, but it must be borne.

Step 3: Despair

That’s it then. We didn’t get it. All that time of Lizzy’s, of others who helped too. All those emails, phone calls, Skypes, late nights. All those times I told the children to wait, I had to get this work done. All that energy, navigating the portal, putting together this project, this amazing dream of a future. Gone. No project. No funding to pay ourselves or anyone else. I think you have to sit in the shit. I think you have to despair. Lie down. Weep. Feel the exhaustion.

I am not good at this step. I hate despairing. I want to leap up and rush to the rescue. I want a fairy godmother. I recognise this from my mother, from my mothering – the longing to make it better now, the difficulty in staying with the difficult. But I think it’s important to hit rock bottom. I remember, not a fairy godmother story, but another folk tale from the Inuit tradition about a grieving mother who fashioned a new child out of her snot. I love this image. It helps me when I am crying, to think of all that stuff running out of my nose and eyes as being regenerative. So cry long and hard. You have to do a hell of a lot of grieving to get to the point where you have enough snot to make something from it. Accept the awfulness. This is where we are now. We have no money left to run Mothers Who Make. Nothing. Nada. None.

Step 4: Remember Your Roots

The good thing about there being nothing left is that it brings me right back round to when there was nothing before – to the origins of the whole movement. This is important. Inside the origin myth of how the whole thing began is the medicine you need to enable you to find a way through. Where did the dream come from? From which genuinely mythical portal did it arrive? What was the need or impulse behind it? What did you say about it back then? I said I was starting a peer support group, a small one, for mothers who are also artists. I said it was about carrying on whilst carrying your children, about acknowledging how hard this can be, how complex, how revolutionary, how fantastic, how exhausting.

Step 5: Name What You Have Now

Once I remember our origins I remember the resources we have available to us. Okay, so we have no money. That resource has run out. But we have some other things. We have a network of support comprised of inspirational and extraordinary creative mothers. We have the invaluable support of Improbable – they have been offering us time, energy and patience all along the way. And we have passion. Those are three incredible resources. If I had loads of money but no support network and no passion I’d be stuffed. Luckily it is the other way around. Along with the passion, born out of it, we have a manifesto. We have principles to which we are deeply committed. We have them written on our website (we have a website – that’s another resource!).

One of the principles that seems key to me right now is that MWM is radically non-hierarchical. Right from the outset leading the movement has meant being part of it. It does not mean knowing more, being ahead, being any more clued up or sorted than anyone else in the network, in the circle of support, be that in a meeting or online. This radical levelling applies across people and activities: one of the other MWM principles is that we value our mothering as much as our making. We value the personal as much as the professional. We value the vulnerable, alongside the slick and successful. We give space for stories about miscarriage, bereavement, abortion, post-natal depression and not getting your funding.

When the going gets rough, and fate, or Grantium, deal you a ‘Decision Letter’ rather than an offer of riches, it feels more important than ever to connect back to our principles and walk the talk. The Arts Council, mythically, are an authority figure – they introduce a hierarchy into the story that in many ways is unhelpful, triggering a feeling of helplessness and dependency. I have to start again from the level ground of where I am. So here I am, letting my son have ipad time so I can finish this blog, breastfeeding my daughter as I type (“It’s taking so long!” she complains) putting off having lunch, admitting that we are in a difficult place right now.

Step 6: Ask for Help

So you have sworn; you’ve wished you had got the funding; you’ve wept; you’ve remembered why you started this whole enterprise in the first place and connected back to what you care about. You are, by now, ready to do something. If you don’t feel this then please go back to Step 1 and repeat as necessary. Grieving – and it is a kind of grieving process, a 12 week wait of hopes that are not fulfilled – is a messy and disorderly business and in order to grow something from your grief it takes time. Be patient as you swear and cry. Eventually you will have done enough crying and be ready to do something with all the snot.

But doing doesn’t have to mean action in the macho sense of picking yourself up, soldiering on. Doing can mean deciding to stop for a while; it can mean connecting to people you trust; it can mean asking for help. These are some of the things Lizzy and I are going to do now.

We are going to stop running MWM activity for a while. Everything that is already underway can continue – hub meetings, online exchanges. All the mothering and the making will carry on because it has to do so. But Lizzy and I need to pause on producing newsletters, answering emails, having skypes, without any money to support this. Instead we will hunker down, write more funding bids, and focus on other kinds of doing like…

….Asking for your help. MWM is a grassroots movement. It comes from us and it is up to us how it grows, what it becomes. Ultimately it has to run on renewable resources. Arts Council funding is seriously useful but it is not a renewable resource – we are the renewable resource. We have to renew ourselves, and none of us can do this on our own.

There is quote that I like and that helps me when I think about renewal. It is from a father who makes, the poet David Whyte: “The antidote to exhaustion is not necessarily rest. The antidote to exhaustion is wholeheartedness.” As a mother rest can be hard to come by so I find this immensely reassuring. Ideally this is how peer-support works: we take it in turns who supports who, but even when you are in the role of the one supporting you come away from the exchange feeling more wholehearted, less exhausted.

This is the spirit in which we want to ask for help. Please help renew us and yourselves by doing whatever of these things you can do with wholeheartedness:

1) Send us encouragement: Via email or on Facebook or Twitter, let us know why MWM matters to you.

2) Send us ideas: fund-raising ideas from cake stalls to lottery jackpots. Can you raise some money for us? Send us your thoughts on how to make MWM sustainable and thriving.

3) Send us some money: anything helps. £5 is wonderful and we would accept £500 too. We need to try to fund our time whilst we apply for further funding. Go here to donate - Improbable have kindly offered for us to use their donate details. Please make sure you put ‘For Mothers Who Make’ in the notes section before pressing donate to ensure it reaches us.

Or buy us a £3 coffee for the late night chats here You can buy a t-shirt or a badge here too. Adult T-shirts £12 including postage (email us your preferred size and address, Children’s T-shirts (18 months & 24 months) are £10 including postage and badges £3 including postage.

4) Keep going to your local meetings and rally round the wonderful 42 mother makers who co-ordinate the MWM hubs

5) Keep sharing, exchanging, supporting on social media. Keep talking about MWM.

6) Come to a UK wide MWM meeting: we will be going camping and holding a day long gathering over the summer for anyone within the MWM network to help us vision how to move forwards from here. Let us know if you would like to host us! We have no money to hold the day, but we hope it will be rich in wholeheartedness. Look out for further details soon.

And, by way of July’s question of the month, you can tell us: what have you grown from your grief? What has come from your failures, losses and f**k ups? Who are your snot children?

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