#lets give up on my social life
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Birds of a Feather
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#my art#feralnette au#birds of a feather#long tags#sorry I went apeshit in the tags#LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW#I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO#its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical#and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread#as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational#in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away#and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do#shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again#legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it#but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings#alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird#she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her#knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself#between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot#and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo#essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that#busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way#to show her she's self sabotaging#cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD
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Soooooo OCs ahaha.....
Right might be rude and foul-mouthed and glares a lot but he does amuse Brent a lot. So when it turns into Brent realizing it's actually really funny and... endearing (?) when Right bickers with some of their coworkers he thinks it would be inappropriate to smile at the scene. So he doesn't.
And that leads to a lot of their coworkers assuming he just never smiles. But eventually! Right sees him smile and is like "oh ho I know someone who will be SO jealous that you smiled and she didn't see it" and Brent just awkwardly "well you make me want to smile I just normally hold it in". So Right blue screens at the first half. Cause. He's never heard someone say "you make me want to smile" and it was so genuine....
AKA two broken adults find a very weird friendship and then fall in love.
#my characters#oops i fell in love#they are so messed up and barely able to function socially when they meet and then they just GROW and its so good for them#they dont even really fix each other they just fill the cracks in the others life#give the guy his first friend and a reason to smile and not see the world in a layer of gray#give the guy a best friend willing to stay by his side and let him be private to the point its safe to be more open and vulnerable
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The rescent riots in the UK are despicable (but sadly not surprising).
Yes, what happened to those little girls is a tradgey, but the person who was responsible wasn't an asylum seeker, and even if he was, that would NOT excuse the racism displayed these past few weeks.
The people taking part clearly don't care about the safety of children as they're, scaring other people's & indoctrinationating their own into perpetuating racist acts.
Seven years is a lot, though! Then don't fucking join a hate group.
But the non white people are being violent too! Yeah, well, that tends to happen when you attack people. I'm not going to hate on people for standing up for themselves.
They're taking our jobs! Why do you believe that those jobs are YOURS? Are you actually qualified & able to make a good impression on bosses, or do you think just being white should be enough.
They don't work! Well Asylum seekers litrually aren't allowed to until their case gose through but plenty of other POC have jobs (I know you've seen them though it must be hard to make them out through that fog of hatred) & I've met plenty of white people who don't want to (no hate to those who can't because of disability or mental health issues) or loose jobs because they're just overall terrible employees (some of the shit I've seen middle aged white people do at their jobs is crazy).
They're all criminals! Well, that's just not true now is it plus it's been proven multiple times that the biggest factor in crime is poverty, NOT race & again I've encountered plenty of white people who've broken the law yet most didn't seem to get more than a slap on the wrist (if that). Strange, that isn't it?
Well, "those kinds" of men hate women! Ahh, yes, because there's never been white rapists, woman killers, stalkers or harrasers. Its been proven that hating women is a problem in all races & and sadly, the biggest threat to us is usually our own partners or family, not some random aylsum seeker (who if they do hurt women tend to go after the ones from their own community).
They're not from here! Ok, so I don't know if anyone told you, but you can actually be born here without being white and you can't ban people from a country just because of the colour of their skin. Also, neither was half my family, yet we never get told to go back to our own country. Hmm, I wonder if our white skin could possibly have anything to do with that.
They can't speak English! A lot of them are multilingual, actually (& you make fun of their accents) & for the ones who can't well you seem to hate them getting anything (such as English lessons) for free. Also, how many Brits go abroad despite refusing to learn absolutely anything about other countries (there's a reason we're known as disrespectful, violent, sex obsessed, drunks by most of the world).
Also sooner or later we are going to have to accept that a lot of the issues that make immigrants flee their home countries are caused (or at least made worse) by ours & other Western governments.
This country definitely has problems, but we should be taking them up with politicians & their rich mates. Who are the ones actually hording wealth made from the exploitation of the poor, not random people of colour who are just trying to live their lives.
#uk#uk race riots#uk racism#uk riots#riots#racisim#I wanted to post about this straight away but my job has been taking a lot out of me#my phyical & mental health has not been great#rescently (due to unrelated personal stuff) & I wanted to make sure I worded my thoughts as fully & appropriately as possible.#so even though it's later than it should have been (which I apologize for) I thought I should still comment on the situation#Especially as a white person who was born outside the uk but has lived here bassically my whole life#Lastly I wanted to let my followers know where I stand#i know i reblogged something about whats been happening a while back but it felt wrong not to give my actual thoughts on the matter#my heart gose out to any poc struggling right now#i wish i could say this isn't my country but there's always been a racist underbelly to the UK#& unfortunately it seems to be bubbling up more & more these past few years#i think social media is partly to blame (thanks to vice in misinformation & conspiracy theories)#obviously covid plays a part as well (people have lost so much & need somewhere to put their anger)#but the biggest cause (other than personal choise of course as I don't ever wanna erase the accountability of biggits) is our government#cost of living crisis mixed with low wages & little effective financial help#of course jobs are gonna be scarce#add on top of that our failing infurtructer#& no wonder the uk is a mess#but again people need something more tangebible to blame#& the torries (+ all right wing media) have wasted no time in turning migrants into the ultimate scapegoats#& unfortunately people keep falling for it#even my dad has started in on the “woke mob” stuff & its like i still love you & i know you’ve had a hard life but#god is it upsetting to hear#like he was never very PC but he was pretty radical#now he's becoming more & more like his dad (who was apparently a fascist) & i know younger him would hate that
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Cue the pink!
#my gram taught me that there are 3 kinds of people in your life: leaves branches and roots#leaves fly away every season despite the energy the tree gives to them#branch people are hardy and they stick around for a while but one bad storm or one bad cut they fall off#root people nourish and help keep the tree alive and even if the tree gets cut in half they stay until the bitter end#there's nothing wrong with any of these categories we're all someones leaf someone's branch or someone's root#the problem though lies in the fact we don't let nature run its course#when the leaves want to leave let them go#when the branches can't wither the storm let them go#when the roots raise you up let them raise you up and shield them in return#i had a friend i haven't spoken to in years ask me why i got rid of most of my socials and isolated from people irl and online#there's a lot of reasons but it dawned on me that it was because i got so damn tired of chasing leaf people#and fortifying branch people only for them to break off when i (the tree) needed help#and i had to take a long hard look and prune everything#now its a matter of narrowing down my roots and being present with them#i think too thats why im not giving as much of a fuck either in fandom spaces or other spots irl or online cause im tired of the chase#ive been tired of leaves and branches taking me for granted#mostly vent post but i guess im sharing this cause i hope my grams words help ya out in some way today#also one of my familys oldest horses died today and her and gram were close#poor gal just turned 31 i was a baby when she was a baby#got me thinking about my late gram and the recent convo i had with my peep#anyway cue the pink!#magenta is my vent word
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I don't have time for people who don't have time for me
I don't have time for people who don't have time for me
I don't have time for people who don't have time for me
#yes yes i know adult life leaves little room for spending time with people who you care about & even if we have time we're burnt out#but my whole adult life has been white-knuckled clinging to relationships or people that barely if ever send that energy back#as soon as theyre onto the next person that will entertain them. as soon as theyve found something to fill the time that i usually take up#as soon as theyve gotten all they wanted from me emotionally. as soon as its inconvient to see me. almost as soon as theyre bored#then suddenly its me waiting for a text. waiting for a day to hang out. hearing over and over again that yet another thing is more importan#than me. and i get it. life happens. schools important. work is important. rest is important. but at the point im at in my life#im looking for people who actually make an effort not just give months and months of excuses as to why they suddenly cant hang out#im a pushover. im easy-going. im a very understanding person. i get it bc theres also very few days per week that im free to socialize#but i cant keep letting myself act subservient to everyone else in my life. i always put my friends & potential friends so high on pedestal#i treat them & their time as precious. now i refuse to let someone do anything but the same for me. my time/energy/love is just as precious#i dont deserve only a text when you need something from me or just to act as a treat to tide me over until the next transgression#and i certainly am NOT going to be the person that you can stand-up and then expect to still answer your text. not anymore.#in prioritizing my mental health lately ive realized that this pattern HAS TO STOP. i cant allow myself to continue the same harmful cycles#i deserve better. i need better. i WANT BETTER#emma vents#vent tag#healing tag
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I do wonder if all these internet poisoned folks who seek out "irredeemable and problematic fiction" to yell about are the same types who run up to pet random dogs they dont know and then scream at the owners when they get growled at or bit
#i use this comparison because ive had really large dogs all my life#and they were well trained and well socialized and because of that were very friendly and loved humans#but it always bothered me when people would run up to my dog while we were walking and pet her without my permission#like yes shes friendly and wont bite you because we made sure from her puppyhood that as a house dog she'd see humans as Big Friends but#what if she were a working dog or an off duty guard dog or service dog?#or just not as well socialized for any number of reasons#and she saw you as a Threat to herself or her owner?#and you didnt even ask me before you ran up to her with big foreign smells and hand movements and noises and started touching her?#it would not be my fault if you got barked at or growled at or bit#if they asked first i was happy to let them because i knew keira wouldnt do anything but wag her tail and give kisses and ask to play#but my dog was not a representation of every dog#and the same can be applied to anything you engage with#assume that if you poke a sleeping bear it wont end well for you#and its not the bears fault that you woke it up unpleasantly#some thoughts
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beaver gnawing on wood noises
#purrs#delete later#this is gonna be a bad / hard post and i’ll have to delete it. like it feels like in making it im invoking cosmic forces to show me karma or#idk like being an ingrate or whatever. but sometimes i find myself on social media rabbitholes looking at instagram pages of.. women who#like really genuinely appear to be good moms to their kids. and love them for who they are and don’t try to make them anything different.#and who celebrate their quirks and stuff. and even share interests with them at the bare minimum. and it just makes me want to sob. like the#knot in my throat. i shouldn’t do it bc i just hurt myself but it’s like. im so lucky i have a mom and that she provides for me. and i know#there are valid reasons for that being all she can do. but also why can’t she… idk.why can’t she ummm love me. or celebrate me. or find#magic in me. or at the very least accept my humanness and be open to me like giving her feedback on stuff. even tonight at this panel this o#one woman was like yeah my two daughters call me on stuff and im like you’re right. if i called my mom on stuff (and i do) she would give me#the silent treatment (and she has) or eviscerate me (and she has). and people in my work life and on here call me endearing and say all#these things. but it’s like none of it can fill up the absolute aching pulsing void that is… my mom. my mom!!!!! is just a person i live#with anr resent most of the time. who has hurt me so badly. and i could have had a mom who like. let me sing and didn’t mock me for it.#and who came in and said goodnight to me and my sister instead of leaving us to o ur own devices because we’re twins and we had each other.#and 14 years ago today was the day that fully cemented in that she could not be that kind of mom and would never be. and i know she tried so#hard and i know she has been hurt and is still hurting. but i just want to scream. like everyone deserves a mom who loves them for who they#are and shit. and how fucking unfair is it that.. like it sounds so selfish and entitled. b it how fucking unfair is it that i got a mom who#im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all#appearances seem to be like.. not only loving but open. seeing their children as human and magic all at once. instead of a war prize and a#symbol of their own hardships or whatever. like it’s just so fucking unfair. i hate that this is the way things are for me and that it will#never change and that if it ever does i have to be the one to change it or i have to heal from it and let go of it. like FUCK that! i want#love from my mom! FUCK the fact that she can’t give it to me!!! she has to!!!!!! but she won’t. idk. delete post <3#like so genuinely i should not be even typing these words bc god is gonna smite me now lol. but my heart is howling#and the shitty thing is i don’t think i’ll be able to be that kind of mom if i ever become one bc of how badly all of this has hurt me. and#bc of all that i don’t even think i want to become a mom anymore bc i don’t want to be the reason a child feels this way or grows up to.
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My company announced yesterday that they’re making everyone return to office 3 days per week EXCEPT for us in Denver (they’re closing ours bc only four people regularly go in…… of the 100 of us who work here…..) and y’all. It is a shit show
#I just. don’t understand!!! I work for a healthcare website! how can you mandate this when covid is STILL a thing#also when literally half of our team is remote full time anyway!!!#like it’s just sooooo inequitable and it’s all about ‘intentional gathering’ (🤢) but like. I’m remote#I guess my life is now going to be unintentionally getting pushed out of conversations happening in-person while I sit on zoom bc the audio#sucks and they’re sitting sooo far away from the camera#and I as a neurodivergent person with auditory processing problems cannot participate bc I can’t read the social cues OR hear them#I adore my manager and her bosses bc they’ve been really clear about how much they hate this and are actively standing up for us#but ultimately they have no power#the individual people I work with are lovely kind caring human beings but jfc the leadership of my company? they don’t give a FUCK about us#it’s all about optics and not letting their huge campuses and floors in some high rise in downtown Atlanta going unused
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#85-90% of my friendships throughout my entire life were fake.#because i'm perfectly pleasant and fine to be around so people like me okay.#until i'm just a little too weird. until i'm just a little too offputting. until i feel just a little too hard.#until i fail to connect with someone in a “normal” way.#but i'm so nice and so hopeful and so trusting and so naive you'd feel so bad saying to my face you don't want me around.#so you ignore me and give me the false promises of “oh i'll see you again sometime we'll make plans!” and we both know it's a fucking lie.#if you knew my insecurities about you tore me apart you'd feel so bad. because i'm so nice and so pleasant#but that's all i'm fucking good for. i'm just pleasant and nice. i'm so pleasant and nice. and you don't have to care about me too much.#because i'm all whimsical and smiley and i like to giggle and talk your ear off but i can't connect with you. i can't connect with you. i ca#n't connect with you.#and then i lose the people who genuinely care about me to time. i want to throw up.#i'm so likeable. but i'm not loveable. i'm so nice and so pleasant.#i say nice things and give you compliments but when my whimsy borders on Too Much it's not okay anymore.#i break the rules of social norms and then you realize oh i'm really weird and my brain is weird so then you just kinda put me away.#like a toy. i'm everyone's favorite plaything until they outgrow me.#i'm sick of being outgrown because i refuse to let my sense of whimsy and simplicity of happiness die again.#i'm so nice and pleasant.
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Whats pretty frustrating for me is that i know theres people who think of my preferences as like. Super unrealistic or something... as if i dont already know that. like.
The whole point is that im literally so scared of getting with other people that if they arent like the person i want to be with in my head, i dont trust them. It has nothing really to do with how "attractive" they are, rather, i self isolated for a while in highschool, realized that my base emotional feelings towards others was mistrust, and decided at that time it was impossible to find trustworthy people so I instead decided to go inwards and essentially "make up" people that i could trust. Because part of me really REALLY doesnt want to believe this is a cold heartless world where you cant trust anyone, I then would try instead to find these people externally. I know its not realitisc but I still havent met someone outside of my characters who I feel like I can fully trust.
#and now even especially after that abusive relationship#where someone knew this and then decided to betray me anyways#not giving an inch of a fuck how my trust is effected or how the rest of my life will be#like they essentially sealed for me that i cant trust anyone ever again and the only people i can trust is my ocs.#ive yet to be proven otherwise.#mood#so yeah. me being like 'ur not good enough for me lol 😜' is me coping with the fact that i dont feel like anyone is good enough to trust.#and ig my effort to socially shame people into trying to be trustworthy enough to be with me if they want it that bad lol#probably not a good thing but i also dont want to get hurt anymore !#kinda tired of getting really close to people only for thme to betray my trust like! i dont think yall understand.#i retreated into myself for years bc of csa. i finally open myself up back to the world. find someone who PRETENDS ro be everything i want#and everything i can trust in a person. literally told this person so much about myself. so much more than ibe told literally any other#physical person. i got so extremely vulnerable eith this person like with no one before. only for them to do a 180 and sexually abuse me#also. and yall expect me to walk awya from this situation unscathed and unbothered and i just need to let myself fall in love with like#anyone and everyone 🤪 when theyve essentially sealed the fate of me never being able to trust another external person ever again.#and then yall wonder why i wanna burn the earth over.
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:^)
#🌙.tbd#start of the year n yk i already fucked up#last night i slept nearly 4 n today has been.. a mess already to say the least#but i think it'll be even more pathetic of me to let my shortcomings hinder me#even if it hurts i will and definitely will challenge myself to get back up even higher#but.. i really do mean it when i say humans being yk. social beings r my weakness#i mean it's weird bcs one cld consider so many aspects of humanity to be weak but they also make us strong n#it's a bit too much at times for my sensitive self#anything to do with other ppl is just my weakness. i just can't be enough for it in a way#it hurts when there's always so much i'd love to tell my friends n family but i just can't seem to.. yeah#i crave authenticity so much it hurts. i'm so sick of this world n how#yk all the dishonesty that exists. all the facades n fake bs n everything. i hate it so much#when i just.. want to live like myself. to just be free from all those restrains n barriers to living more meaningfully#n i could just write. yk maybe when i turn 18 i'll really try to write very lengthy letters of what the people in my life mean to me#i really just. want to give that. for no particular reason other than i really want to bcs i really mean it#sometimes i hate how sensitive n emotional i am. how it hurts me n ends up hurting others n tears me even further apart#but then perhaps it's.. in a way when it's not Too much. it's smth special in this world with so much hate n lies n pain n injustice#emotional ppl who r intelligent as well rlly have a special place in my heart.#ahh.. i rlly don't know what i'm writing anymore i feel so bad n so helpless w my incapability rn#life is of the journey. of how we overcome our sufferings. of memories n people. of hope. of love and peace.#but even though yk overcoming pain n sad stuff adds more meaning to yk ^^ yh it's still..#i don't know how to say it right now. bcs there's sm pain that rlly. shldn't have happened? so much injustice..#but more than that pain the reason why humanity is so special to me is how we learn to live yk n yh#' maybe theres virtua in emptiness but still i drown in distress ' that lyrics rlly comforted me. that whole song#virtue* 😭 wahh my tears have dries i'll shower in a bit n. someway somehow i'll find my way. do things better. so long as i move forward.#there's no hope for something better if no future exists.#so as long as we all keep living. i think that's enough#n life isn't meant to be lived by just one person so.. i'm rlly gna do my best. i'm gna do better.
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🖤
#this is a scheduled post#So uhm#I think I'm entering into a melancholic state where my heart wants to let out too much negativity#Even if I try to keep all the negative events from my life and focusing on the positive ones#My brain (or should I call them the voices? It's childish? Idk...) keeps reminding me them#Last night in the exact moment I closed my eyes I started to cry#My chest was empty#I was searching someone to hug but none was there#I had that reminder that I will never find someone who will love me as I am because#I'm not extrovert enough#I don't like social events. Parties always drains me every energy.#I don't like to focus on the normal girl things such as caring for my make up#And all of this makes me (according to the voices) unnoticeable#I'll vanish and except for my family no one might notice it except like five days after?#I just want to find someone who might give me love for who I am rn#Even if I have one million defects#I want to find someone who might accept just one of my qualities. Just one really#Again the post is scheduled#Probably when you'll read this I might have woke up in 10 am or more so#Because I'm also having insomnia for this 🙃#ok to interact
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#so I was reading up on bipolar disorder#and apparently it’s one of the main leading causes of disability worldwide#2 out of every 3 people with bipolar disorder end up on disability#and given the fact I’ve been struggling so much with episodes where I just like… can’t do anything#idk that’s terrifying to me#I LOVE to work and feel accomplished#I’m not saying others who have to take it don’t but that it would be a massively destructive blow to my self identity to not be able t work#I think I’ve done really good work so far getting things sorted out#I’ve been compliant with meds and am almost finished with my year-long intensive outpatient therapy#the stress of the strike that started really threw me off and has made the last month pretty unbearable#but I’m learning and adapting#this just feels like it lit a fire under my ass that I really need to work overtime to fight this diagnosis and get back to healthy#there’s no putting things off like I need to get shit done#and if things aren’t working then it’s time I find another way#bc I can’t let myself just give in to the symptoms and let them dictate my life#really coming up with a game plan for 2023 to make it my year and I genuinely feel confident it will work out#2021 I wrestled control of my life back and got semi functional again. I sought help#2022 I found that help and got diagnosed / found the right medication balance / completed intensive outpatient therapy#2023 I use all this to make behavioral changes that help me regain control of my life#specifically tons of exercise / more social interaction / practicing hobbies and skills#I think it’s pretty achievable and I’m excited about the results
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bad enough that i am stuck in my life but even worse when i have to work through / around the stuckness in front of people i care about / explain it / be perceived in experiencing it. UGH!!!!!!
#purrs#i live in my childhood home i share a bedroom withy sister it hasn’t been redecorated since before we were born i don’t even have a license#ive never dated or even been liked like that by someone i know except one time ive never done like 75-80% of the things ppl my age do and im#gonna show up empty handed and empty brained to everythi ng and be seen as stupid and uncaring and whatever when really im just tired and my#life is so flat rn and i don’t have the strength to pull it up by myself and give it shape again but i have to. i don’t think i have covid (#thank GOD) but i can say even without having ever gotten it and hopefully never getting it that it has ruined my life like genuinely. i mean#good things have come out of it too but i was already socially / emotionally stunted and then being locked down for a year and a half like l#literaly not leaving my house for anything but medical stuff until july 2021 was so PRPFOUBDLY damaging. i feel like someone has taken a the#motion blur tool i. photoshop and just drawn like a scribble over me so some parts of me are stretched to where they need to be and other pa#parts are stuck at like age idk 16 and i think i need to have most of the parts motion blurred to like… move forward! but i can’t make that#happen and i have to explain it and move around it and it’s so EMBARRASSING omg. girl help i am flowering on the wall i am blooming late i a#am hiding in my shell and i want to come out but i also DO NOT so i am cowering in fear forever and never standing up for myself or standing#up at all to be honest!! lol 😸👍#anyways this post is brought to you by how INSANELY much i do not want to reply to a particular email in my inbox or spend my time tonight#[redacted] on express when i am already so exhausted. and if that makes me a bad person then so be it i guess i am one#* i don’t even have a LEARNERS PERMIT let alone a license. lawl <3
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the gall of some people- wait what’s a better word for gall I don’t like that one
#camera talks#sorry ANWYAYS. the Audacity of my coworker rn I’m like. actually laughing at her in my brain#I’m sorry but ‘I just feel like you aren’t helping out during the morning as much as I need you to be scam’#and ‘idk what you were doing the first 45 mins but when I asked you to help out and you kept doing sandwiches’#okay first off I set up Everything by myself this morning. coffee station. 3 tables. bread station. yogurts. fruit salad. the buffet#etc#half of which was supposed to be done last night but no one did itttt#secondly I told her ‘yeah let me finish this one sandwich and I’ll help out. because I already had sandwich gloves on so I wanted to finish#and gahhh it’s just so annoying. girl I did so fucking much this morning#breakfast wouldn’t be out without literally everything I did and youre asking me ‘oooh scam can I have some more help-#bc I don’t feel like you’re helping enough’ fuck off#she also mentioned she feels like I can’t hear her with one earbud in and Fuck That. I am not giving up my music at 6 in the morning#that’s the Only thing keeping me from kms on the commute so fuckkkk you#god whatever this probably seems super irrational but I’m just pissed that the assistant cook who gets paid way more than me#gets to ask me to do her job for her but I Cannot ask her to do dishes god Forbid#sorry guys I woke up at 4:30 and had to drive by 5:30 can you tell I got shitty sleep#also I have a dentist tomorrow Again and I don’t think that’s helping my emotions rn but alas. I’m at work so I can’t make a panic post#about the dentist Now that will have to wait#also no I’m not done yet cuz#also like yeah I’m aware this is real life adult shit that I’ll have to deal (shitty coworkers)#but it still sucks like. if I can think through my words and stuff to her and I’m ND and told I’m bad at social situations#(I don’t beleive that necessarily but no one cares so whatever)#then she can think about it and come to a reasonable thought as well and it just makes me upset#rahhh
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well.
#concert was rly rly fucking good lets focus on that. dont want to ruin my memory of it#and the rest doesnt matter. ill break down tomorrow when everyones gone i cant do it right now its too late and we have a guest#just so tired. doesnt even matter its just me. and i have to be myself the rest of my life. im never getting out of this labyrinth#well at least if no one else has my back the national always will.. the right kind of concert to be at while dealing w my stupid shit#and i can listen to their music on loop forever and ever ill be fine#give me a couple days and ill have repressed it into oblivion again and i can go back to living my sham life where everythings okay#until i get reminded again and it unspools. and then ill just scoop it back up and zip it back inside. over and over yippee#but it doesnt matter as long as everyone else is happy and they can pretend i am too so they dont have to care#im being stupid and melodramatic dont even worry abt it my brain is just so fucking broken and im incapable of human connection its cool#at least i wont hurt anyone else just keeping it all in here it doesnt matter!!!!!! well it does to me. but i dont count so its okay#at least yeah concert was rly rly banging i hope they play here again some time in the future and im still around for it#and ill get to remember how good it was every time i listen to them :-) which is basically every day woooo#god. im gojng to go to sleep before i fall apart and start ugly crying#at least tomorrow off too n climbinggg. so much easier hanging out with strangers bc it doesnt matter if they dont want me there#nothing to lose and they cant hurt me bc i can only get hurt by ppl i care abt and i dont know them that well so its all cool#and im good at climbing n need to burn it out of my system. i can get by microdosing social connection for thr rest of my life i guess#feel so so so ashamed for even feeling like this its such a prison in my head i hate it i hate it its fine ok stopping for real goodnight.#sorry for ventposting i cant go hurt myself instead bc ppl over. so here we are again ahh..#ah ahhh yeah anyway goodnight#.vent
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