#like I'm not allowed to have another breakdown because by now I've had too many of them

[icarusdiesatdawn]

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Oh careful. thoughts

[darkstarofchaos]

Yet more EarthSpark S2 spoilers.

And now for some general thoughts about the season itself.

Where was Nightshade during all this? They are a main character, why did they not have so much as a subplot in another character's focus episode? People talk about Thrash getting sidelined, but he had a whole episode plus a paired episode with Twitch. Nightshade is barely there, and when they are, it's either a battle scene or sharing the scientific spotlight with Wheeljack.

Speaking of Thrash, I liked his episode. I would like to think finding a random Quintesson on earth and then shooting it into space will have repercussions later in the season, especially with the Quint lore in the final episode. But now that the Decepticons are just flat and evil, I might not even watch that far.

Why are the Decepticons interchangeable now? Starscream and Shockwave are the only ones allowed a personality beyond "smash stuff". And yes, I'm counting Breakdown in that, because he's a shadow of his former self, and the whole thing with him being a parent to Aftermath got dropped after five minutes. And you know, I might be giving Shockwave too much credit, because disagreeing with your leader on one course of action isn't a personality trait. And Starscream's ultimate goal is apparently just smash stuff. So you know what, I'll amend that, why do none of the Decepticons have a personality beyond smash stuff?

Like. Twitch ends up in the Decepticon base in the guise of Spitfire, and we don't get a single characterization moment. I guess the Cons all just stand and snarl at each other when they aren't on missions.

On the other hand, I don't understand why so many people were confused that the Decepticons were following Starscream, because why wouldn't they? He seems to have been doing a fine job, judging by the number of Emberstone shards the Cons had. I get that most Starscreams can't get support to save their lives (often through no fault of their own), but the Decepticons here seem to have no reason not to follow him.

Moving on from the Decepticons, I'd have to call the trailer episode and the carnival episode the worst of the lot. The whole subplot with Robbie having a crush was the most uncomfortable thing I've had to sit through in a while, and I would not voluntarily watch it again. And the trailer episode was just tedious. I get having something more relaxed in between the Spitfire two-parter and the finale, but couldn't they have found any other plot for it? People rag on the bear episode, but at least that had a nice little lesson about not messing with people's prostheses rolled in. This episode was just. Nothing. But it did come with a distinct lack of squicky "feeling your brother's crush through your psychic bond" stuff, so I'll give it that it's rewatchable.

Okay, this was a problem with S1 too, but that psychic bond has to go. It's creepy and invasive, and it's only going to get more so as the humans get older and start exploring adult relationships. At least give them some way to close it or otherwise shield themselves from it (it's also a constant plot hole, because characters often end up in danger that the others somehow don't notice. Like, is there a range on this psychic thing? How far apart do they have to be before they can't feel each other anymore? This thing is not explained well enough, and I don't see why it even needs to exist).

Assorted episode nitpicks:

That is not how you dispose of hard drives. Why did you not wipe them before recycling.

No food ever touches the plates on the dinner table in the Quintesson episode. I am unreasonably bothered by this.

How did none of the adults think to address Spitfire's insistence on being part of the mission by pointing out that Twitch is older and more experienced than her? Like, yeah, Spitfire probably wouldn't have cared, but someone should still have put their foot down and said she can't go on a mission until she's had some training.

Megatron, you are the only non-participant who can fly and the final stretch of that obstacle course was over a ravine. Why were you not in a position where you could quickly help out if someone fell? Twitch wouldn't have had to go back to save Alex herself and the whole thing with Spitfire being mad because she crossed the finish line first wouldn't have happened if you had positioned yourself more strategically.

Actually, Megatron proposed the race, Megatron wasn't close enough to be helpful during the race, and Megatron said they needed to let Twitch and Spitfire sort things out themselves, which resulted in Twitch getting bodyswapped. Every problem in this episode was Megatron's fault. Optimus, why are you not vetoing any of this? Why are you just standing there and letting Megatron pit kids against each other? You're a leader, do some leading!

On the other hand, Megatron wanting to resolve everything by letting the arguing parties fight it out is on brand for him, so like. Kudos for characterization, now get an adult in here.

[astriiformes]

Poking and prodding at my brain now that I have another potential dose of context for why it melts down and spirals over things so often and like. Putting everything in a list there really is a pattern I should have been paying more attention to probably, but have always just identified as bad anxiety or neurodivergent quirks

That said, it is also making me feel immensely lonely because I have lots of neurodivergent and anxious friends I've gone to for advice over the years, but I'm realizing that my possible pure-obsessive OCD and scrupulosity tendencies may be why I've often responded poorly to their attempts at help. Which is good to understand, and ultimately may help me tell them what I do need but. Also means I am suddenly hyper aware of how irrational the stuff I can't help but meltdown over is, and feel really stupid for it and also like the people I'm closest to aren't going to have much advice for me.

Anyways. For my own connecting-the-dots purposes. Some very normal thoughts I have had breakdowns over before:

As a kid who was raised Evangelical, had a pretty classic case of the religious/blasphemous intrusive thoughts often associated with OCD that caused me an immense amount of distress. This one has calmed down entirely now that I have extricated myself from that environment, but also for a couple years after leaving the church I would have similar thought spirals literally any time someone mentioned the concept of the afterlife/hell.

Adjacently, the second part contributed to me having a fear of death so intense for a while that I once broke down crying in my mom's car during the 7-minute drive from my dad's place to hers on a night where there were no other cars on the road because I was so convinced we were going to die in a car crash.

Unfortunate fact: I was trying to get into Discworld at the time and read Mort while all this was going on and my opinion of the series has never quite recovered.

.......Have multiple friends very into Discworld and used to spiral any time it got mentioned because it felt like a moral flaw that it stressed me out so much because I shouldn't feel that way about something to important to my friends, and additionally felt like it would be, essentially, thoughtcrime to blacklist it.

(This is better now and I am probably going to give the books another try, but for a while I was very stupid about it)

Spent actual years searching for a place to buy gatorade powder that wasn't Walmart or Amazon even though I need it for actual health reasons, because they were the only places I could find it and I have an obsessive avoidance of both companies and couldn't bear the thought of buying from them for the first time in years. Over something I needed. For my health.

Opposite of the Discworld problem: some of my friends have problems with a TV show I like which means I have spent entire evenings crying myself to sleep with guilt because obviously I cannot like things that the people in my life are bothered by

I am not joking I missed class regularly as a result of the last one for several weeks, I was so distraught.

And like I also have dealt with a lot of other things over the years, including really upsetting intrusive thoughts (usually of the "what if something violent and gory happened to you and/or your loved ones," variety, with a side of self-harming and suicidal thoughts -- being a really visual thinker makes this particularly terrible) and constant spiraling over perceived social/moral missteps.

And I guess I'm feeling kind of frustrated because so many people have latched onto the more... hm... relatable I guess aspects of my anxiety in ways that have made me think the above are like. Normal for someone with really bad anxiety (and trauma too, I guess, though I think that really is the source of some of them) and I've fallen into beating myself up over not being able to overcome mine the way everybody else seems to. And now I still don't even entirely feel like I'm allowed to self-diagnose any of this as OCD specifically but I'm also realizing that there is something much more fucked up and irrational happening in my brain than I thought because I just assumed this was how mental illness was for everyone and I was just. Really bad at managing it.

[hesitantvampirealien]

I guess another vent

I'll talk a bit about suicide and um, i guess ableism? structural ableism? well, you don't need to read it if you're not comfortable with these types of topics.

I've been extremely depressed lately :)

My head is officially fucked beyond repair.

After so many sessions of therapy with each being gradually less effective and often making me feel very left out (it's group therapy, public access, short budget) only NOW that I've been told that they're completely unable to help me with my case because they don't have anyone specialized in cases involving autistic people, and i happen to be fucking autistic, and they did that while shifting the focus away from everything i said and straight up ignoring me, speaking over me throughout the whole fucking session, comparing my disability to completely reversible and curable cases that the clinic did have support for, and i did wait to be the LAST one to speak because i knew it wasn't something quick so everyone else already spoke everything they needed and i didn't wanna take over their space, it's literally the bare minimum... But i guess they didn't care that much about taking over mine. They couldn't even do the bare minimum, it was like I didn't even exist. I'm genuinely so tired. I know i would have to bring that up in the next session, but I can't. I'm so, so tired.

I tried to get better. I tried to hard to get better, i tried everything i could to save myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing works. Private therapy is too expensive for me and the ones that aren't expensive are just... horrible. To the point of actually feeding self destruction, humiliating you when you have a breakdown ans telling you that all the awful things you tell yourself are right and you should kill yourself because you're horrible. I'm not from the US or europe so don't come to me saying "how is that allowed?" it's not, but nobody cares, suicide is pretty much encouraged here

i don't know what to do with myself. I had to write an entire text on how fucked up it is to compare a completely treatable illness to something genetic, incurable and eternal that will burden me forever. And everything they did was prove to me that i was right. It's a burden. It's a burden to me, because I'll have to handle illnesses developing in my head because of it and doctors refusing to help me because they're not specialized in my type of brain, I guess. It's a burden to them and they can't handle that burden.

I'm genuinely so fucking tired. I'm so tired that lately the idea that I can just plan out my own death is comforting to me. Thinking about killing myself became comforting to me. The idea that i can just... quit this pathetic, claustrophobic pit of misery that i was forced to drown in. As much as it's desperating to be drowning like this, constantly, as much as i wish i could leave this pit... I won't ever be able to leave it, will i? all i have left is hoping it won't take long until death takes me from the pit

i know it seems stupid that I'm talking about killing myself because of one situation, but it's just one that i mentioned. One of many, of 20 years of situations.

I wish my friends understood better that they can find better friends, i genuinely don't understand why they cry... I don't know what they see in me that makes me so unreplaceable and makes them cry when i talk about killing myself when i always tell them there's billions of people much better than me out there that are able do much more than I ever was able to do

[mbrainspaz]

ok I worked out another thing that's been stressing me out about this work situation. My main coworker has been gone and the boss refused to let me work overtime and then just... didn't really do anything to fill the gap, right? Today when I brought up my concerns about the stuff being neglected she was all "why didn't you just say so?" Ma'am?! Why didn't I simply explain to you, a person who skipped the meeting we were supposed to have to figure this out & who has no idea how to do my job, exactly how to do my entire job... via text message? On my time off??? aaaaah?! But I couldn't express that so in the moment I was just like, "well someone should probably feed these two horses at this time and start the sprinklers in these specific paddocks." She was like, "oh... that's all?" And I felt like an idiot for even bringing it up when she put it like that—but no actually that's not all. This is why I can't just do meetings and talk this stuff out! I can't process all the subtext and all the angles in the moment. I could tell I was deeply upset about how she'd handled the situation but I couldn't fully explain why. It was because not only did she tell me not to do the work that needed doing and repeatedly downplay my concerns, she still expected me to run the business by proxy—or she just didn't care if the work didn't get done. The closest I got to actually expressing my frustration was when I said, "you know I've been working half-days for the last three days—what did you think was going to happen? I'm never out there just doing nothing. Things haven't been getting done. I asked to be allowed to do it and you said no. You said you would do it, but you didn't know what needs to be done." And she said, "That's why I need you to tell me. It's all about communication." No! NO! That's why you should have let me do my damn job. Now she wants me to take tomorrow off and it's just gonna be the two kids and the temp guy working with the old guy who doesn't even technically work here?!? She keeps texting me trite things like 'I value you' but it's so transparent I can barely see it. If she understood a thing about me she wouldn't bother. I know she's annoyed with me. I'm annoyed with me.

She didn't give me a coherent schedule all week so I had to make up my own where I was working 4 half days in a row and she just.... nobody cared that nobody was here to run the business all afternoon for FOUR DAYS. If I hadn't gone in on my 'free' time to feed one of the old horses he'd probably be deceased by now. I mean the old guy stepped up and helped a lot but nobody else knows how to run the whole barn all day. Nobody else CARES.

So yeah it's my bad for not busting down her office door 7 days ago and giving her step by step instructions on how to run this business and manage a bunch of green employees I don't have the power to schedule. AAAAAAH! I hate that every time I meet with her I have to be so focused on being calm and professional and normal that she just steamrollers me with her reasonable demeanor and talk about all the things she's trying to do to make this place run right—if only she had more time and wasn't sooooo busy managing way too many other more important things. That's absolutely not my problem. I can't tell her how to do her job. And she couldn't tell me how to do mine if she tried. And I'm like, fine—pay me to just take care of it all! I'm good at caring. I could run this place if they'd just LET me. They keep leaving me to cope with endless problems they won't let me solve. I don't even want the responsibility. I don't really need more money from them. Apart from the existential dread slowly driving me towards a manic breakdown I've had a great time this week actually having free time to work on my art. I started editing a new video for the first time in 2 years! I'm just glad I didn't overwork myself for them just to get in trouble for it again. Well, except for the 3-4 extra hours I spent doing a little this or that here and there just to make sure nobody died. How could I ever explain that to someone who happily works in an office for a soulless, faceless, money-gobbling, lifeforce-devouring, bystander-crushing unstoppable gestalt entity that is a management corporation.

Ugh. I can't even stand listening to me rant about this. Actually they should just fire me. It'd be a relief. I'd go live in the desert and scream at the stars like gods intended.

[quiveringdeer]

Ok but the titan inheritance ceremonies are creepy af right? Everyone dressed in white like a cult (or the Reiss family) and the person getting eaten tied up like Anne Darrow being sacrificed to King Kong. Like they couldn't even administer a sedative beforehand to make it a little less painless? And the one doing the eating is usually a kid. RBA, Marcel, and Pieck were all tiny when they went through this.

For real though!

For future posts to keep my thoughts in order:

Look into Tom Ksaver's family situation

More on Shifter Transfer pomp and circumstance

Was the Paradis Mission public knowledge in Marley?

More on the staggered transfers of the 5

More on Marleyan Dissenters

Table of known ages of titan shifters during transference

I've been thinking about whether there is fanfare prior to the transfer too. Not sure if the parade we see with our Paradis bound babes is just cause of that particular mission ((was this a publicized mission??)) or simply what happens after each transfer.

I'm thinking that it's probably not so common to have that many transfers at once. Like Zeke got his as a middle teen right? Not sure how many years before the others --anyone got a timeline graphics breakdown? 👀

But now I'm just realizing, I mean how old was ---takes a moment to look at Tom Ksaver's wiki and welp holy damn everyone's life is really fuckin depressing makes me feel better about my own I guess----anywho, Tom was older when he took on the Beast Titan. Which I'm surprised they allowed him to do? Liiiike did they not know about his second life pretending to be Marleyan and fathering a whole ass child with a Marleyan woman?? This is getting off topic so imma skirt back to this later

I'm assuming that there isn't some usual big shindig and mass transfers when Marley usually passes on the Titans. But as much as a hullabaloo as they make about it being a special honor, if nothing else I feel like the government would encourage the Eldians to have some form of celebratory shindig whenever someone is going to take on a transfer. And obviously from what Karina and the Braun family at large say about it being an honorable privilege, the community must do something.

Even if it's just to drive home the propaganda machine and make people feel less torn about condemning they're usually young children, to death.

I was thinking that the actual ceremony would take place far out from the city, in case something went wrong. Like the pure titan didn't go for the baited person for some reason, or due to the fact that newbie shifters usually aren't able to have full cerebral control during their first couple shifts. Not to mention if somehow the new shifter simply tries to usurp with their new found power ((cause damn their government had so many spies and dissenters I can't believe it lasted a few hundred years without crumbling yeesh))

So they probably have another titan on standby who could fight off the new shifter. Which makes me think that they probably would also stagger the transfers until each of them has shifted enough to be fully in control of their mind while shifted, then move on. So in that case I feel like the lineup might've gone like:

2) Marcel --He's to be the leader and so if nothing else they probably want him to have his titan first. Plus, the Jaw is fast but otherwise not nearly as huge a threat as the Armor or Colossal with just the Beast on standby.

1) Pieck --Though I could see them having her go first to have a second titan alongside the Beast, who is more agile like the Jaw. So yeah switching her and Marcel.

3) Annie --While Annie is hella adept in combat and follows orders, I feel like anyone can see that she isn't doing it for her own benefit. So they'd choose Pieck to recieve her titan first because I think they believe Pieck is going to be more loyal and not cause too much trouble.

4) Reiner --Armor is the second best heavy hitter they have so while Reiner is very loyal (and part of how Marcel could convince them to choose him over Porco), the Armor is still going to be a doozy to deal with until Reiner is able to be in full mental control of it. So they'd want to have the others on standby along with the Beast.

5) Bertie --I mean obviously he'd be last. Even if he's also very loyal to follow orders and has a timid personality.

Okay so this also made me just wonder. In order to have all 5 of them recieve their titans at the same time, did the government just decide to end the predecessors' terms short?? Like "I know you got five years left buddy but we got this special mission soooo yep. Is what it is, sure you understand." lmao Damn. smdh

peeps I'd love to weigh in: @erudianokabe @lemmetreatya

lemme know if you'd like to be tagged - or not tagged- for future lore post things!

[thecandywrites]

Monster March 2023 Day 19- Mermaid Part 1

Something Special

Ok, so this has a lot I need to explain about myself before you read the story itself, which I will put under the cut.

But know that this will be taggged with trigger warnings for suicide, self harm, depression, mental breakdowns, nervous breakdowns, etc. And I will do that to keep you- the readers safe. Because you should take control of the media you consume and I do not want any of this to trigger anyone who is sensitive to such subjects or are uncomfortable with any of it. And if this does not sound like your kind of story or something you're not up for or comfortable reading. By all means, move on and find another that will give you the entertainment you are now doubt looking for. No hard feelings, happy and safe readings everyone.

Otherwise, thanks to @borealwrites for their Monster March 2023 prompt list, you're a life saver. And I mean that in a very literal sense.

So about the story itself. For MerMay a few years ago, a concept I had and then ran with was micro-mermaids. Mermaids that are as big as your fingers. And having a mom and sisters who keep aquariums, mutliple ones too. And while most them have been fresh water, my mom did keep a brackish tank for a while. We were always too poor to do salt water. But growing up with and around those, I know how niche it can be and how much joy and fun and relaxing it can be to just...sit there and watch these little jewles swim around. I'm very partial to guppies myself.

So imagine a world, where micromermaids are treated like venemous snakes are, you have to have special licencing and special certifications to even buy and own one. And so combine that with the aquarium industry, you would have to have special licensing and special certifications to buy, own and especially breed them. But not all breeders are good and responsible ones. I think we've all seen the horrors of the puppy mill industry. So there's a splash of that in here too.

Ok, so what you should know before you really read the story, is- I was totally the ugly duckling, turned beautiful swan type. But I didn't turn into a "beautiful swan" until senior year of high school - of which I graduated early from. So I grew up - the public school system, being largely ignored and being invisible and keeping my head down and blending in with the walls.

However, that was only one aspect of my life. Because that was my school life, in every other aspect, I was very much the "special kid" . Who is now an adult, with severe anxiety, a perfectionist complex, depression, suicidal thoughts and tendancies and someone who was lucky enough to get the intervention I needed and the help I needed through a psyche ward, Intensive Outpatient Psychotherapy and a 6 month Dialetical Behavioral Therapy. since my hopefully last- attempt 8 years ago.

And it didn't help that my dad was a narcissistic perfectionist (ex air-force) and a minister, who only gave love and affection when I performed said perfection to his standards. It meant that I very much was under the microscope to the congregation and always expected to set an example and be "picture perfect", the perfect kid, the perfect student, the perfect daughter to help with the family's "reputation" of being "the perfect family". And of course, purposefully, intentionally kept niave and ignorant to "preserve my purity". And all that fucking stupid bullshit. And I was unlucky in that when I was growing up, and dealing with deteriorating mental health, with a father figure like that, I was- I kid you not- "not allowed" to have mental health issures, because that would "tarnish the family's name and reputation". So I learned to mask at a very early age. And my mask has since, fallen, shattered, a few times over. And I've learned to simply remake it over and over as many times as I've needed to.

But what I've learned over the decades since- is that it is ok to not be ok. And you absolutely should have a support system, and personal boundaries, and autonomy and be given respect and dignity because you're a human being. And if the mask slips and or if the mask falls and shatters, it's not the end of the world. We just try again. And build from scratch if we have to.

And for those that can not fathom ever having these thoughts, I want to give you an illustration to help you wrap your head around this.

No one "earns" the right to be depressed or suicidal. It's like a new phone with those pre-installed apps that you can NEVER uninstall. That will give you push notifications- those notifications being 'you're worthless, you're a monster, you're a burden, you're better off dead, this is never going to stop, this is insufferable, you can't take this, just quit, just end it all, once and for all'- all the time. For those of us who have depression and especially suicidal thoughts and tendancies, we do not choose this. This is just our "factory settings" period.

Now with therapy and perhaps some anti-depressants, especially the right ones, they can either slow down the frequency of the "push notifications" from every 5 seconds to maybe ever five to fifteen minutes or even only a few times a day, if you're really lucky. And they can help you ignore the push notifications that intrude into anything and everything you do. And they can help you swipe them away when they do come up instead of clicking on the notification and staring into all the ugliness and internal darkness and see the laundry list of everything that's wrong that is causing us pain and anguish and guilt and suffering. Or worse yet, see the notification and fantasize about it or worse- agree with it. And then doing something that can not be undone.

However, the day I wrote this , was actually my 8th year anniversary of my last failed suicide attempt. And while I'm happy to be alive now. And I've had many wonderful experiences since then that I absolutely would have missed out on had I been successful.

When and if you decide to read this- you'll see, a lot of that, in this. And that's why this story is tagged with so many trigger warnings.

But what made this anniversary the hardest year yet- was Labor Day of 2022 my cousin, on my dad's side, successfully committed suicide. And now I have all of this survivor's guilt because me and my immediate family were never close with my dad's side of the family. She was my age. Her daughters are my daughter's age. And everything I thought I had dealt with and I thought I had healed and fixed with all my therapy and right medications since- came back up and reared it's ugly head. And I've been struggling ever since and this March has been the hardest since in the last 8 years.

That's why I launched myself into Kinktober last year and now Monster March. Because for me, this is part of my own therapy. And a way to create a world where everything is fine, and nothing hurts. Where I have control in times when I feel like my personal life is out of control, and it's just hit, after hit, after hit. Because in the last two years alone, I've lost 16 people in my personal close friends and family circle. My cousin and my grandfather died less than a month apart. One death, I had seen coming and had prepred myself for, the other took me by surprise and threw me off so bad I'm still reeling.

So this is my chance to make something new and beautiful and helpful and comforting and something that others who may be struggling with this, can have something that they connect with get sympathy and empathy and hopefully seek the help they need. Before they do something that can not be undone.

So, now, with all of that in mind and the forwarning, here's the story.

Monster March Day 19- Merperson- Micro-mermaid. 

Something Special

Part 1

Your whole life was spent in a huge community tank. With species of all kinds sharing the tank. And while families more or less had their own “homes”. All the kids tended to stay together and play in the various areas that were meant to keep the kids entertained while the parents, who were always live bearers, always seemed to continuously be popping out new babies. And at a certain point, all the kids went to a huge school in the large community tank. And while most could live just about anywhere, there was a sense of segregation. The guppy micros tended to stay together in their own schools, the neon tetra micros tended to school together, the mollies, and oscars and angels and of course the discus, being the largest micros of the tank. And in your opinion, the most cliquey. However, the older you got, the more separated the sexes of the same age got to be. It started just as the two groups were starting to mature. And of course, that’s when the schooling became more rigorous and more intense that all the girls and all the boys simply stayed in “dorms” at the school itself. The boys on one side and the girls on the other and by that point, it was your school mates in your own “grades” that became more or less like your sisters. The dorms themselves were large hunks of rocks that had holes and paths all throughout. It was like one big piece of swiss cheese. And each girl tended to keep to the different “bunks” that were these naturally occurring caves, fixed up to be little bunks where one could find solitude- to a degree, depending on how many other bunks were throughout. 

And the few times the two sexes could see each other in the large hallways there was always some gawking done on both sides. While siblings were the only ones allowed to approach each other. However, that wasn’t to say there weren’t some secret tunnels being dug on both sides when sexually mature and horny teenagers were concerned. 

However, all through school, you noticed that the teachers and mentors always seemed to single out the prettiest of the girls and say ‘oh she’s going to go for sure’ to each other when they would eat together while everyone else ate their various meals. And when you tried to ask about it, the teachers would deny ever saying anything. But the girls who were singled out, seemed to spend much more time with the mentors than in the classes with the teachers. And even they would not say anything about it. But always seemed to be more and more detached to the others emotionally and if anything, have a bit of a superiority complex because they had been singled out as “special”, “especially spoiled brats” was more of a fitting title. 

Most of you just wanted to get through school so you could go back home. And be with your home communities again and finally get a chance to get on with the rest of your lives. 

However, days before graduation, when most of you were looking forward to going back home, suddenly news seemed to spread through the school- all those “special” students who were going to be ‘go’ were all called out of class. And it was as if all the girls who were in that category- blew a breath of relief and seemed to say their quick goodbyes before going with the mentors to wherever they were supposed to go- to. 

And then, to your shock, all of you could hear crying in the hallways as you all instinctively swam towards the door to look out and see what was happening. The girls who were previously told they were “so special” all of their school careers were sobbing in the hallways. 

“What is going on? Why are they crying in the hallway?” You asked the teacher. 

“Oh, the poor dear.” Mrs. Coolie tsked with a shake of her head.  

“Ok, girls, girls, please, sit down.” She instructed as she swam to get everyone back into their seats. 

“Now, let me explain what’s going on…” She began before the mentors were back. 

“I need all of the guppy micros.” Mrs. Dalma insisted before you and the other guppies around you seemed to gulp nervously and began to collect your things. 

“Leave your things, I need you all to come with me right now!” Mrs. Dalma, the most intimidating of the mentors, snapped before all of you immediately dropped them and quickly swam to her before you got into the hallway and away from where all the other girls were sobbing into each other’s shoulders in a small room. 

“Into here.” Mrs. Dalma insisted before a special door opened to reveal a small room, made of plexiglass all around. And many humans were on the other side. 

“Into the room!” Mrs. Dalma practically barked and then pushed all of you into it then made you all “stand” apart while the humans looked more closely at all of you individually. 

Now while you all were used to the various humans, who you all knew and recognized who fed you and cared for you. These were different humans and you did not like the way they were looking at you and the others. But Mrs. Dalma was going down the line, showing you off like you were some…pedigree pet! 

And that’s when all of it began to make sense. The owner of the tank was selling off their better “stock” in their tank. 

When it was your turn, she had you spread your fins to show them off, before you were directed to swim across the box. And then brace your hands down on the floor while you had your fins spread out from the side and suddenly everyone crowded around the box and took pictures and then the lights shut off and then a special light was directed at you and when they did that, your body lit up in a way you had never known it could. And that’s when a bidding war broke out over you among all of them. Apparently something about the pattern on your body and fins was something they liked and wanted. And if it wasn’t for Mrs. Dalma actually holding your fins out like a sheet or blanket, you wanted to shrink in on yourself. The pattern was something you had never seen before, and neither had the others apparently. 

“Keep straight and keep your fins out.” Mrs. Dalma ordered through her smile of gritted teeth as she held your fins up and then had the others do the same so you wouldn’t “tire out”. 

Your whole life you were used to being seen as nothing special, just a regular dark guppy micro with a nonsensical pattern on your body, fins and tail. To you- in normal lights, your coloring wasn’t all that different than the others, you didn’t feel that your beauty exceeded any others the way the “special” girls always seemed to point out. If anything, you were the opposite! They were “classically” beautiful with bright, bold, and beautiful colors. If anything, you were dark and in your opinion, rather drab, except for this blob of dots on you. And you were content with that. But several people where now acting like you were the prettiest girl in the whole tank! 

What was this madness?

No wonder the others were crying, they must have realized why all of you were separated as kids. Kept single, kept virgin. Kept practically in the dark about all of this, like fish kept in a tank at seafood restaurant, you all seemed to serve a single purpose, to be raised up to be sold off like any other fish, whether to go onto a plate or into another tank- the feeling was the same. 

All your dreams of going back home and ever seeing your family again were dashed to pieces in only a few minutes. With one bang of the gavel, you were sold off, as were most of the others before Mrs. Dalma got the “news”. 

“Ok, girls, go back to class, get your things, go back to your bunks, pack up, you’ll get a chance to say goodbye to your families, but you’ll be leaving right after.” She informed you as the door was opened and suddenly huge guards were put into the tank to personally escort you and the others after they put special vests over your chests. All while the other kinds of girls were given the exact same treatment. And now all of you were crying as you picked up your books and only got to tell the others that you were sold off and leaving the tank and at least got to say goodbye to the others in the class before you went to your bunks with your guards while the guards themselves seemed to have bags of their own to put all of your stuff into for you. 

But just as you and the others who were about to leave, you were nearly attacked by the “special” girls who were suddenly so angry and rageful at you for “stealing” this from them. How they had spent their entire lives preparing themselves for this. But all because- the lighting was bad or some other reason that was not their fault, they weren’t chosen. And the guards were there to keep them from actually touching you. And to keep you from actually trying to trade places with them. But they were quickly put into nets of their own and separated from the others to “cool down” before others came over to give them a second look. And with a single nod- suddenly they were chosen again, granted not by who they originally thought they would be, but with being chosen, suddenly they were as sweet as sweet weed again and happy to get into the nets with their things and get out of the tank. 

You were put into a net and then all at once, without any warning, your blood was taken, then you were given injections all over your body. And a huge one right at the end of your tail before your tail fin. You could remember the “special” girls would routinely get out of class and come back sore and bandaged up. And had been on a special regimen of shots and medicine over the course of the last two weeks, now you were getting it all done in all one go. And your whole body hurt even when the others assured you they had given you something for the pain of the injections. If anything it took the initial sting out of them but you felt the ache of them in your whole body and you felt sick and ended up throwing up before you were cleaned and then put in fresh water that didn’t smell anything like your old tank. 

After that ordeal, you were put in a plastic tub on the outside of your home tank while the guards continued to collect all that the buyer chose. Your parents and other siblings though, soon got to come and say goodbye, but from inside the tank itself. But because of the distance, neither of you could hear or touch the other. 

‘What is happening?’ You signed to your parents. 

‘You are a very special girl. You were bought by another owner of another tank. You will get to choose a mate in life and have a home of your own now.’ Your father signed back with a brave smile while your mother was trying to smile through her tears as she held onto your little siblings in her arms while her pregnant belly was still full of future siblings. 

Your brothers from the boy’s side of the tank were even escorted over to you to say their goodbyes and while you went to the same school, you could barely recognize them as being your brothers for as little as you saw or even got the chance to socialize with them. 

All of them were saying that this was ‘a good thing’, that you were ‘lucky’. That you were ‘going onto a better life’. 

But you couldn’t feel that way. You didn’t feel lucky, you felt cursed. 

You just sat at the bottom of the container, wrapped in your blanket because the water that had been put in here was cold and your body hurt and the blanket was the closest thing to comfort you had while you glared at the bits of your tail and fins that stuck out beyond the blanket and resented them because you still didn’t know what it was about them made you so “special” in the first place. 

Three dots in a splotch and a pattern that showed up under a special purplish-blue light. Three dots that touched each other, somehow made you “so special” that you had armed guards to escort you and suddenly get the “special attention” that all the other “special” girls got earlier in their lives. And you were given a stack of books to “help you catch up” on the “special lessons” that you apparently hadn’t gotten in school that the special girls had already gotten and knew. But you ignored the stack of books and simply tried to commit to memory every face of each family member you had because you knew you would never get to see them again. 

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: Stalking, social anxiety, social media pressure.

Seeking advice and suggestions about what to do.

To give some background info, social media wasn't huge while I was in high school. FB was really the only big site people around me used, but I didn't have too many friends during high school and I just wasn't that interested in it. Then, I got IG, which I really enjoyed for about 1 year. But thanks to IG I did run into some stalking situations and had a nervous breakdown, and even though I was an adult by the time I had it, my mom was upset and felt like it was something I did behind her back (she never explicitly said "No social media" but just assumed I'd never get IG because of me never being into it before).

It took me a long time to stop being anxious about social media but fast-forward to this year and now my current friends are using it, so I joined in, but I'm not really using it "with" them even though I've added them, it's not mutual.

When I added one of my friends they told me in advance that she doesn't always see people show up in her feed, which I understand, but I still thought she would've added me back after I told her my username?

I also have some friends who I added a long time ago but who never added me back, maybe because they didn't know me well enough back then, but I see them interacting with everyone else?

And then finally I have a friend who seems kind of similar to me (generally doesn't seem like a huge social media person but still likes some of the cute pictures and memes that end up on there; she's also my closest friend out of my current group). But I remember her getting stuck on the sign-up page (you know, the "Are you a human?" drag and drop tests), got annoyed, and gave up on trying to join since she said it was too hard for her to figure out. So I get where she was coming from but at the same time I felt a little upset because I think having her on there with me could've given me a confidence boost and maybe if our other friends saw me interacting with her, they'd add me back and include me in stuff, too.

I feel like it's kind of a silly thing to even think about. I'm not hugely into social media and at the end of the day I feel like my friends are my friends because we still do other activities together and get along. But I still get a sense of being on the outside looking in when I see them making inside jokes to each other and tagging each other in cute friendship memes and stuff. Plus because of my bad experiences with social media before, it actually did take me a lot of effort to finally pull out myself out of the severe anxiety and trauma I felt towards it and give it another shot.

I don't want to be one of those pushy people who's like "Hey, you need to add me!" especially since I have tried to like... "gently nudge" people into adding me before, and they haven't shown an interest back. I don't want to be "annoying" about it but it does make me feel left out sometimes, and then I blame myself for not knowing how to act on these sites, and what comes off as normal vs. annoying.

Hi anon,

I’m so sorry to hear of your social media experiences, especially in regards to stalking, and I’m so glad you’re safe.

Social media can be such a tricky thing - on multiple levels, and I can definitely relate to needing to learn how to navigate it a bit as an adult (since I come from a similar background in that it wasn’t huge while I was in high school either) - especially when it came to digital boundaries, including but not limited to, deciding who gets access to me, my privacy, and how we define “friendships.”

On one hand, social media allows us to be more connected than ever, with people we very likely might never have met in any other way (international friendships, niche interests, online groups, etc).  On the other hand, many people feel more alone than ever, and I truly believe in some instances it has to do with needing to ask ourselves, and be willing to share, what we want out of social media - and then explore a bit to see who else might share the same goals.

For example: 

How do you define the word friend?  Acquaintance?  Mutual?

Is there a certain amount of interaction you’re looking for?  Weekly?  Monthly?  

Do you have various levels of what you would consider intimate, vs casual?  Say, do you like the idea of sharing your birthday online, and getting multiple messages that day?  Would you prefer a digital card DM’d to you?  

Do you have any special interests, where you could join some online groups?  Sometimes finding that common interest can help get the conversations flowing and get to know people a bit easier as you dive deeper into exploring friendships.

These might seem like simple questions, but depending on someone’s boundaries and privacy they might have very different ideas than you on what they’re comfortable with.  And just like you should have the freedom and space to share what your hopes are as you explore these new relationships, so should they with you - maybe you’ll find overlaps, maybe you’ll realize it’s not the best fit, but that doesn’t mean it’s an automatic red flag, or says anything about you or the other person.

I do hear you on that fear of perception, of wanting to be cautious about how you try to engage, but I feel like you could do everything “right” and still be viewed as “annoying” by someone.  I feel it might be more about how you communicate your wants and needs early on so both parties can feel secure moving forward as they build a foundation of friendship.  And if you have these conversations, and you realize it’s not the relationship for you?  Then worst case scenario, you spare yourselves a bit of a heartache down the line, and make room for people who do share your similar interests.

Regardless of what you learn, and decide for yourself as you explore online friendships more, I hope you cultivate relationships in safe and mutual spaces, that add some joy and laughter to your day.

- Mod Kat

[lookinginview068]

I can't tell when it started. When was I sundered?

Was it during childhood, where I spent every day in fear at home and in school for reasons I can barely bear to recall? Did it happen when I left for school at 14, not knowing that I was never going to return home, nor that I would spend the summer cramped in a one bedroom apartment with equally terrified family members I had to protect? Did it happen when I finally got so broken down from all the stress and the trauma, that I never got a chance to heal from, and finally had a psychotic breakdown from? Was it when a stalker followed me for over half a decade, forcing me to protect myself by any means necessary?

I feel like I've always fought to maintain an image in the hopes of dissuading closer scrutiny of just how fundamentally broken I am. I always have to try to find explanations for the things I don't myself understand.

But there are just too many. I can't explain why I'll feel attracted to women one day to then feel repulsed by the base prospect another. I can't explain why I'll have waves of dysphoria for what might seem like my body, but is more akin to my entire personhood as a whole.

I used to create fake identities online growing up. In way, it served as an outlet for parts of me that could only ever thrive without the ties to the single individual I have to maintain and present myself as. It feels like a prison, where I am allowed one sense of self.

I used to navigate IRL with multiple gender presentations and names in my teens, and that's the happiest I've ever been... and the reason it worked so well I think is because these facets of me had different and separate groups of people around them. These facets weren't seen as ultimately linked to this "main" piece, but got to grow almost completely unshackled.

I couldn't do that now. Everything directly links back to the "me" I should by all means settle for and resonate with. But I just don't, and the longer I'm stuck being limited solely to the same people as the years go by, the more noticeable these discrepancies in my opinions, recollections and perceptions of things become harder to ignore.

I feel like I'm increasingly coming off as a complete and utter hypocrite and even liar to the people around me, because I try to give explanations to rationalize the things they clearly pick up on (whether consciously so or not) but that stem from things I don't know if I could ever talk about.

What's worse is that I know that I am blessed to be so trusted by my loved ones, despite the signals my behaviour gives off. I know for a fact that I come off as suspiciously secretive a lot of the time, and that my tendency to keep all my friends and loved ones from getting to know each other could be interpreted in all manner of bad looking ways. But I don't know how else to cope with feeling imprisoned like this.

Because not only does it prevent other people from feeding each other the idea of what can be expected from me, and what type of person it is. It prevents them from talking about me, and connecting over the person they think I am.

And it sounds so pathetic when putting it that way! Comically so even to my ears! Because I don't actually care about what they say, but rather it's the idea of my fabricated, coherent and singular "brand" of personhood being perceived that repulses me on such a visceral level.

And what could I even do about it? I'm not a set of multiple, distinct people. I don't have more than one consciousness. And yet I'm just a walking collection of fragments that I can't tell whether that's what I've always been, or if the process of breaking down happened so slowly and gradually that I just never noticed until I cut myself on the pieces.

If a mirror breaks, do we consider the mirror to be one construct or multiple? Does the word 'mirror' become a term describing the collective group of its broken shards? Or is it that the shards can just as well be their own separate entities while ultimately still being an integral part of what makes up a mirror?

I am forever stuck right by that very mirror. My reflection doesn't always look the same. It might change depending on the angle, it might move itself independently from my own movement, or it might even happen without me realizing when. The mirror isn't me, but merely stands before me, just like both my body and sense of self stand before me in a way that emphasizes how much of bystander I truly am.

I feel frustrated and embarrassed over the mirror, and try to explain to everyone who sees it why it's so ugly and cracked and why I can't do anything about it. All the pieces reflect me, but they don't look the same. I can't tell which piece is 'the most me.'

I'm a man. I'm a woman. I'm gay. I'm lesbian. I'm nothing. I'm too much. I'm attracted to women. I'm repulsed by them. I'm attracted to men. I'm repulsed by them. I desire a dick. The idea of having one repulses me. I desire breasts. The idea of having them repulses me. I am a man who looks like a woman. I'm a woman who looks like a man.

All these things would somehow feel less contradictory if they all stemmed from one singular individual. Instead I have to look away from one that one mirror shards reflection, only to be confronted with another one bearing a similar, but not identical, version of my own face.

How could I ever begin to explain these thoughts and feelings to the people in my life who, while ultimately love me and would never seek to hurt me, also would be unlikely to understand? Who, for valid reasons given my past health, might interpret this as reasons to assume that I'm in the process of entering another suicidal breakdown?

I've started altering my appearance certain days in accordance to these fluctuations, as well as indulging in creative fiction as a way to indulge in what's ultimately a power fantasy of the many, contradicting things that define my personhood.

It feels amazing... until someone else sees it, and the illusion of being freed breaks. And I can't help but notice that this has fed my returning depression and hopelessness. There's no escape, I will forever be defined by this one role.

It wouldn't help if people in my life knew of this and accepted it. It would still feel like I'm just being coddled and entertained, that their perception of me is ultimately that of a singular person. And even if they didn't, I also wouldn't feel great being seen as entirely separate, concrete individuals because thqt's just not what I am. I am me who is also we, but we are all me.

And maybe that is just a normal human experience at the end of the day. Maybe what I'm feeling just happens to be slightly fueled by me being defined by two decades of uninterrupted trauma and mental illness.

No matter the reason this is just getting increasingly harder and harder to deal with and ignore, despite the fact that I'd rather die than tell anyone who knows me personally. I can't even bear to be comforted by people who perceive the Me(tm), because I feel so gross and seen and defined. Both because of this and because of other trauma.

This side blogs existence is the only reason I am able to even talk about this to this much detail, and that's the only reason I can post it publically. Where nothing I say will make people who know me reach out to try and help.

I don't deserve their kindness, because who in their right mind would feel so negatively about being seen and cared for? Who in their right mind would do that and yet also be hypocritical enough to feel hurt and upset when feeling uncared for? Though again, unrelated trauma. Another shard to the broken mirror.

I want to put a name to this. I want to understand my experiences. But does it matter really if I'll just keep living like always with no changes?

Had I not been physically disabled I might have gone willingly missing, cut off everyone I know despite how sad that would make me just for a chance at freeing myself from the tangled mess I've ended up in with my current life. The only possible alternative I could think of is death, but unfortunately I don't have a suicidal bone left in me.

[biggirlnow]

I'm a big girl now

I be holding on to childhood a little too long...

But who can blame me. When your the only girl in a divorced house hold you've got to , at least, try and do something about the emotional void at Dad's place , right? And when Mom asks for another $300 to "keep them afloat" until her next paycheck, you do it right? How about the grandchild my step father is raising? She needs you. You've got to be a role model. She's depending on you.

Too many of us have had to play adult. We've spend our precious childhood and adolescence juggling responsibilities we had no place holding in the first place. We've been on autopilot. Doing what's right, picking up forgotten tasks, rushing from side job to side job, taking expensive courses and hoping it will all bring us the life we want.

Well it didn't. Not for me. I don't think I'm the only one either.

I've spent the last 6 months (f)unemployed. In the midst of a mini breakdown, I quit my job and took up the full time position of stoner, artist, and dog walker. It was incredible.

I slept.

I had fun.

I cried for 3 days because that's how long the heartache hurt me.

I slept some more.

I turned down a job offer.

I made mediocre art.

I cried some more.

Then I slept again.

6 months of me. 6 months for me. 6 months of rediscovering my inner child, Little Girl, and letting her loose on this great green earth.

Before, it was Little girl who wore the grown up clothes and got sent to work. That's why everything always crumbled. Little Girl was pretending to be strong but all she wanted to do was be happy. This time I, Big Girl, have to be in the drivers seat. This time I'll take on the world so she doesn't have to.

Little girl plays, and sings. She giggles and listens to others well. She is incredibly shy but she was blessed with charm, so no one believes her.

Now I might be offered a contract. I can fulfill the function, I like the topic, and the organization is important. But am I ready? What happens when I start my psychiatric treatment? Will it be too much?

I wonder what Big Girl is like.

Does she know how to take criticism? Does she know how to fail? Can she preserve like I'll need her to? I know she wants a house and three cats. Maybe a dog too. Big Girl wants to be comfortable while she works. She wants wear a hoodie with her blazer. She wants to bip and bop around, doing her job with ease and confidence. Big girl wants to ask for help when she needs it. Like, maybe this time it can be before shit hits every fan in the house.

Point is I cant be Little Girl anymore. She isn't allowed to decide my life. Her ideas a beautiful but her decision making won't take me where I need to go. So Big Girl will step up and carve the future for us. Let's see how it plays out.

[ratcandy]

Subcon Forest Analysis

Hi everyone I'm here to spill my aggressive overflowing thoughts on Subcon Forest and what it represents because it's been driving me insane since I finished the Sleepy Subcon time rift. Okay let's go. Obvious spoilers for AHIT ahead so proceed with caution.

This is also very, very long.

Disclaimer/warning: I will be discussing abusive/unhealthy relationships in this analysis. I mean. Vanessa. Come on. Also, there is a section on the nooses, and that delves, of course, into mentions of suicide. It will be sectioned off and easily skipped, but if you'd rather be safe and skip the entire post, that's completely understandable! Please stay safe. <3

Alright. Main point to be had here:

Subcon Forest is a giant extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character.

You all get to now listen to me spout nonsense about metaphors and symbolism because I'm a sucker for analysis and I'm given an opportunity to go ham. So perish.

The Ice

Let's start with the most obvious and most glaring thing in Subcon. The ice. It's everywhere. Not just outside Vanessa's manor, either; no, it's throughout the village, too. Shows up in the well and in random locations sprinkled about. When it comes to literal plot, we know that ice is just what lingers after Vanessa's wintery curse on Subcon. But going deeper and analyzing the meaning behind it?

Well, let's look at this from the perspective I've suggested. Subcon Forest being an extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character. A symbol for Vanessa then litters his mind, enough where it's certainly noticeable at first but blends in more easily once more of Subcon is unlocked to Hat Kid. This is clearly meant to be his lingering trauma, whether or not he wants to acknowledge it. Which he doesn't, as he never mentions it directly in his forest (that I can recall). Her influence plagues him, as to be expected with the traumatic experiences he went through with her. Breaking the ice is something Hat Kid must do in order to fulfill the wishes of the Fire Spirits (another subject I'll get into shortly), which, if self-indulgently playing with the found family idea, could mean that Hat Kid is helping him heal; if indirectly. Even if fulfilling the Fire Spirits' wish to die is... counterproductive, in that measure, which I'm now getting ahead of myself so hold on a sec!!

Vanessa. Ice. Everywhere. Traces of it all over his forest. That's the effects of an abusive relationship! Especially in a worst-case scenario where... yknow! One party in the relationship dies! So of course ice would be everywhere.

In and of itself, ice is a common symbol in literature and other forms of media. In this case, it's presented as an antagonistic force; emphasis is placed upon freezing and the harm that comes with it. The cold is unwelcoming, threatening, merciless. Snow can act as an insulating force, at least, but ice cannot. It can only make things colder.

A slight stretch: Seeing as this game deals a lot with time shenaniganry, I'm not sure if it'd be too out of left field to connect "freezing" with the theme of time. Yknow. Frozen in time. Both parties here, Snatcher and Vanessa, would be in this frozen state. One largely repressing it and never fully moving on, and the other doomed to her isolation ever since the event in question. They never moved past that moment after the Prince and florist's interaction.

The Fire Spirits (& the Portraits)

I'll put a slight warning here for suicidal ideation, if only because... it's the Fire Spirits we're talking about. It's not as grossly in-detail as the noose discussion will be, though, so make of that what you will.

To me, the Fire Spirits are a very interesting case. After all, they're fire. They're a direct contrast to the ice, thus being the only thing we're shown that could potentially melt it. The Fire Spirits, in my opinion, represent hope or a strength to continue. A strength to move on after troubles of the past.

...And that hope wants to die.

The Fire Spirits wish to burn out, to leave this mortal coil and abandon the forest to the cold. They make no effort to melt the ice, they simply dance, blissfully ignorant towards their surroundings. This being a metaphor for Snatcher's own hope for moving on is made all the more obvious by the fact he wants them gone. The first contract is to kill the Fire Spirits, to kill the hope. Perhaps he believes that sort of thing to be fruitless or naïve, so it only clutters his mind or has him foolishly optimistic at points. So, get rid of it. And the hope is happy to oblige.

(That, or their willingness to leave the forest to its own suffering and not aid in the ice's thaw angers him. Besides the whole "bark bark growl I can't get to parts of my forest because of them!!" which... also could represent a naïve hope clouding his judgement, not allowing him to see a bigger picture. But hope can't all be lost if one wants to move forward...)

A little side-tangent now on the portraits! And it's another slight stretch but the idea is in my head and I can't let it go. Portraits are another common symbol, usually being a physical representation of a memory or idea. For our purposes, let's say they're memories. I know in canon they appear to just hold souls captive or something but for now we're just Ignoring That(tm). The Fire Spirits have to burn the portraits to disappear. See where I'm going with this, maybe?

Instead of handling bad memories (or perhaps memories of the past in general) in any healthy manner, Snatcher chooses to forget/repress them, which just allows his hope to progressively die out.

I'm really hoping this is making sense because it makes a lot of sense to me but I might be insane rn

The Fact that this is a Forest

Forest symbolism breakdown! What's a forest usually mean in literature? "Traditionally, the forest has come to represent being lost, exploration and potential danger as well as mystery and 'other worldliness'." Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. That certainly works with the whole aesthetic we've got going on. Wood usually is life, growth and strength. But the trees of subcon are all dead. So what about that? It stands for death, big whoop, very spooky, we know Snatcher's dead and so are the children, yadda yadda wowie wowie. But. :) The trees in Subcon look a lot like trees that were scorched in a forest fire. Don't believe me?

(You could also argue they're just regular marsh/swamp trees bUT SSHHSUUHSH HANG ON HEAR ME OUT LOOK LOOK,)

What I believe to have happened was a controlled fire to rid the forest of the majority of its ice and snow. Likely done by Snatcher. It leaves behind a very desolate, depressing, barren scene... but. What else do dead/burnt trees symbolize? Rebirth. After all, controlled fires happen to make way for new trees to take the place of old ones. Some trees only drop seeds in fires/hot temperatures, so new ones take root and begin anew. Weird. It's almost like... I dunno. Snatcher was given some sorta second chance, given he's not just a corpse in Vanessa's cellar. So were the subconites. Another life given then by Snatcher. All connected I tell ya!!

Generally, aside from that, forests have many connotations. Mystery, isolation, claustrophobia; a place to dwell on regrets, or the past; to worry over one's future; to seek escape from or escape inside of... hmgmrnmm!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Nooses

The t/w is given at the top and another cut-off point will follow the bottom of this, for those that would like to skip. This will delve into talk of suicide and abusive tactics used by abusers. Please don't read if it will upset you or make you feel unsafe!!!

Personally, I cannot stand the nooses, but that's just due to my own triggers. Were there a way to hide those from the game or replace the damned talking ones with anything else. I would take it. In a heartbeat. But I can still appreciate the potential analysis to be had with them. So now i'm gonna talk about it despite how uncomfortable it will make me to do so. yEa

So, what about 'em? There are three types of nooses seen in Subcon. At least that I remember but I didn't really go looking for them. Empty ones, ones containing empty subconites, and the talking ones.

Nooses in general obviously can hint towards suicidal thoughts or behaviors of the characters that interact with them. If saying Subcon is Snatcher's mind, it could suggest that he suffered from some sort of suicidal thoughts in life (or currently, if second death is possible... or if he never truly died... or maybe he's trying to figure that out...which has given me... a separate idea...uh oh). But. And hear me out. Different perspective.

A talking noose. I hate them with a fiery passion that is unmatched. But think of the packed symbolism of a noose that talks. And think more about what it says. "I wouldn't mind being strapped around a cute neck like yours." "Be careful now, I don't want to see you meet a miserable end anywhere, but with me." Oddly, a lot of what the noose says seems almost... endearing? One could argue it's a way of luring someone to put it around their necks, which in and of itself is a whole lot to unpack when it comes to suicidal thoughts beckoning one forward; painting itself as something romantic, almost. But. Here's a wild idea, now. What if the nooses, at least the talking ones, are another symbol for Vanessa?

They're tinted blue, after all. While Vanessa's scheme is more red, one could argue two things: One, ice. Blue. Ice. yeah. Or two, the fact that Snatcher's scheme is more purple. Blue and red... make... purple. So, for all we know, Snatcher's current state was a compound effort between suicidal thoughts and Vanessa's treatment of him. Perhaps he even found a way to put himself out of his misery before freezing/starving to death. (I know he has dialogue that argues against that, but... are we certain Snatcher would be the kind to admit suicide over freezing to death?... I don't think so.)

At any rate, a common threat by those in "control" of an abusive relationship is that of killing themselves should the other person not do as they desire. It's a cruel form of emotional manipulation to get their way, worse off if the other party is an empathetic individual. As a person who has been the empathetic individual in relationships like this... I would know. I've been here, unfortunately So, it's not completely out of the question to say Vanessa could've used some tactic like that, even before the whole... cellar ordeal. Did she? I dunno. I'm tossing ideas around. But if she did, the threats of such would sit around in the Prince's mind easily. Even if she has a reputation of not going through with it. It doesn't matter. That shit sticks with you forever, that scare, the potential of it ever being true, is horrifying and it ruins you. I'm projecting, Squirtle.

Still. A noose cannot hang itself. It has to have a victim.

...yea.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W PASSED -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Misc. Ideas

- The spiders: Aside from the usual things spiders can be chalked up to symbolizing - toxicity, alluring danger, just... general pain - I like the potential wordplay that can happen here. Yknow. A black widow. Say the Prince and Vanessa were married when one died. What would that leave Vanessa? A widow. ...She's red and black, too. Yknow. Like a black widow. HA wordplay is fun isn't it?

- Snatcher's tree: Love this place, love sitting in here. But not the point! The inside of Snatcher's tree is such a harsh juxtaposition to the rest of Subcon that it kinda throws ya off guard. After all, the dark, purples and blues then contrasted with the bright warm colors of the inside. Even the music switches over. The thorns outside aren't present indoors. Ohh yeah this is gonna be on the nose as hell but the Tree(tm) is 100% representing Snatcher's appearance/put-on personality vs. his truer nature. Spooky outside with thorns, foreboding, unwelcoming. Then the more comfortable interior. VULnerable. Have I even mentioned that the tree is HOLLOW I mean COME ON. The sturdiness of that tree? Nonexistent. He's not a sturdy guy at all no matter how he fronts

- Intrusions are unwelcome: Snatcher does not like the fact that Hat Kid sticks around in his forest. His personal space. His mind. In fact he tries desperately to get rid of her after their fight, not wanting her presence in his forest at all. He has no problem providing more contracts later on with the Death Wish thing, and he finds great entertainment in messing around with Hat Kid, so it's not just a weird sudden hatred he has for her; it's the fact that. After she's finished being useful, he no longer wants her around, lest she find some things she shouldn't find. Now he's just uncomfortable with her in his personal boundaries. Could just be a denial that she's helped him heal (breaking ice, stealing from Vanessa, being something interesting for his kids to interact with) or just not really wanting a child to get wrapped up in. All that. Most likely the former. Considering the amount of joke-hints he drops regarding his background during his Death Wish dialogue. I see you funny man, making jokes out of your trauma as a coping mechanism. Punts him

Annnd I think that's all I got, for now! I'll make an update post if I get any more sporadic ideas. If you read this whole thing, thank you!! and also!! Wow that was a lot!! Hell world. Please feel free to elaborate on any of my points or debate with me on em!! I'm always open to other ideas, just be aware that if I disagree I am not shy when it comes to debate hehehe, tho I won't be aggressive to any extent I prommy!!

Alrighty. goes to sleep goodnight

[howggswouldreact]

🏥 The Personification of Our Love | Kim Lip

Request: kim lip x reader where the reader is pregnant and goes into labor pls ~~~ love your blog ♡♡♡♡ Plot: Jungeun is waiting at the Hospital while Reader is in labor. Jungeun's mind flies to loving memories. Words: 2, 222 Genre: fluff, pregnancy Notes: i use to say "i loved writing this one" because i really do love writing things you all request me. and i loved writing this one. i love to write about things that involve family and friendship, etc. this one is the type to make my heart feel at peace... i hope you enjoy it and have a nice read! ♡♡

Maybe Jungeun shouldn't keep her eyes open for so long, without blinking. At least that's what Haseul was telling her all the time, but she wouldn't be aware of what her friend was saying until hours later, when the white doors were opened and a person wearing blue from head to toe told her that she was finally allowed to enter. For now, she had her hands cupped over her mouth, her feet tapping the floor in a frantic rhythm, her heart pumping blood like crazy.

Why couldn't things be like in the movies, where she could just have a camera filming everything that was going on in that room?

How was it going? How were you? And how was the baby? GOD, WAS THE BABY OKAY?

The movements of her feet accelerated even more and she felt the touch of a hand resting very cautiously on her knee.

"Stop doing that, you're looking like a maniac!", Hyejoo's voice, impatient and at the same time anxious, sounded beside Jungeun.

"I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.", she replied in a low voice, sweat forming on the corner of her forehead.

A huge, vibrant smile appeared in the blonde's vision and warm hands took hers, that were cold, in an affectionate squeeze. Jiwoo.

"How about if we go get something to eat? I'm sure there must be anything good in these machines full of food.”, said her longtime friend.

With a nod and letting Jiwoo guide her, Jungeun was pulled by the arm to a vending machine in the corner of the waiting room. While, in her mind, Jungeun was pulled for a few moments before what would be the greatest moment of her life (along with her wedding day, of course).

8 AM, same day

"Christ! It’s like I'm about to explode!", you said, putting your hand on your belly and feeling a twinge in your back.

"A beautiful, healthy child is going to appear from this explosion...", Jungeun started to speak, slowly approaching the bed, leaning on one knee and then the other. "And this child is very...", her hands landed on your belly, one of them over your right hand. "... very loved!"

"And we haven't even thought about the name of this beloved child yet."

You looked at her with a disapproving gaze.

"I don't want to decide anything right now because I think it will be more exciting to take this important decision when the time comes.", Jungeun shrugged without looking at you, she was very busy stroking your belly button.

"Maybe if you just let me..."

"Don't even think about it. This baby is mine too, you know?", the irritated tone disappeared from Jungeun's voice when her eyes met the playful glow of yours. She smiled.

"You know I would never make a decision like that without you, right?"

She nodded and lifted her body so she could kiss you, but there was a huge belly between the two of you - with a baby on the way in - and you started to laugh.

"Ahhhh!! So close yet so far!", dramatized Jungeun, as she lay down beside you and kissed your forehead and then your lips. "Now, close enough."

10 PM, the day before

"I still can't believe you chose this crackhead to be our baby's godmother...", you whispered to Jungeun, leaning on the doorframe while watching Jiwoo dancing some children's music and doing a super choreography in front of a camera.

Jungeun smiled at you.

"It's not like you didn't say 'oh, babe, I would never forgive you if I didn't choose Jiwoo to be our baby’s godmother', right?"

All the girls were there, they decided to have the first “Girls’ Pajama Party with the Baby” even before the baby was born. Not that you didn't love the idea, but to see Jiwoo carrying that camera everywhere was hilarious. You wouldn't miss an opportunity to make fun of it.

"You have to understand that I have hormones. Many! And they are crazy running back and forth, telling me what to do all the time! It's not like everything I say is valid while pregnant. Plus: I didn’t know she would do this Good Luck Charlie sort of thing."

With a mischievous look, Jungeun brought her face close to yours, smiling like a mischievous child.

"So it means that I am right deciding that the baby's one-year birthday should be Taeyeon-themed."

You gave her an angry look.

"I've been carrying our beautiful baby for nine months. If it were to honor someone on their one-year anniversary, it should be me."

A warm laugh from the bottom of Jungeun's heart filled your ears. She came over and wrapped her right arm around your waist while her left hand was over your protruding belly. None of you had reached such a full level of happiness like this before.

"Don't worry... Taeyeon won't be a party theme, I promise." she kissed your face. "It's so easy to annoy you lately. But there's no need to worry. The one-year anniversary theme will be Harry Potter, anyways."

You rolled your eyes trying to hide a smile. Jungeun noticed it. She always did. She smiled back and stroked your belly once more. It was difficult to know which of you two was most anxious for the family to be finally complete.

5 months ago

"Come on, say something very beautiful and with enough meaning, because then I will edit with a ballad song in the background."

Jiwoo was pointing the camera at you, whose lips were covered with doritos crumbs and ice cream, while Jungeun held up a jar of that same ice cream that you dipped the spoon from time to time.

"I can only think of how bizarre these mixtures become each month, I have no idea what beautiful things I can say.", Jungeun spoke while giving you a judgmental look. “I can’t believe my baby is eating… this.”

"Just say my name, so you will say one of the most beautiful things in the world.", you replied, raising your eyebrows as you dipped the tip of the doritos in the pistachio green and put it whole in your mouth.

"Grooooooss.", Jiwoo hummed as she turned the camera to her face. "I hope you don't have to deal with this often."

You two were at Heejin's apartment, decided to stop by as you were walking around the neighborhood looking for that ice cream flavor. Yeojin and Jiwoo went to meet you. This was yet another visit for the future "aunts" of the baby to come.

"I will definitely deal with them to keep you safe." Yeojin noted, beside Jiwoo and staring at the camera.

"Don't worry. We will protect you from anything that might negatively affect you, even if it means taking you away from these delinquents' arms." Heejin said, joining the other two.

"An army against us?", Jungeun asked as you put one of those doritos in her mouth.

They giggled. Another scene for the baby's life documentary, directed exclusively by Kim Jiwoo.

7 months ago

"Well... maybe we should... maybe we should buy baby things? Or set up the baby's room?", You suggested, astonished by the news that, finally, you were going to have a baby.

With the results of the exam in hands, Jungeun was very quiet on the way home. Parking the car in the garage of the building where you lived together, you waited for an answer to your questions.

Pregnant? Who knew you would be pregnant? Well, it was your dream two months ago. You both decided to make this dream come true. But it was a short while ago, actually. And you were not expecting a positive response so quickly. On the first try? Wow! This was really fast.

You noticed Jungeun's trembling hands and, now that you were pregnant, you would have a child of both of you, increasing the "family with our shape" because it's gonna be "the personification of your love", as the blonde said a few times. You wondered if she regretted it. After all, it would affect both your lives on a large scale, even though it was, at the moment, no more than the size of a bean.

"Look, I... I understand if you don't want to say anything. I will respect your space, but I thought it was our decision and..."

"Could you excuse me for a moment?", Jungeun said, in a whispering voice, and getting out of the car.

You understood that you shouldn't go after her and you were left with no reaction to her words. Meanwhile, outside the car, in the light of the vehicle's white headlights, the blonde of exuberant beauty and small body read the exam again, a growing smile on the pink lips that you loved to kiss so much.

Suddenly, to your shock, she let out a cry mixed with laughter and jumped in the air. It was as if, there, in that deserted garage and with you in the car, there was a space where Jungeun could celebrate it with vivacity. She was just so full of joy!

She was just as happy as you are, obviously! She just needed to find a place to outsource it, a moment when she could be free, a place where she could celebrate it!

Jungeun's hands held the test results as if they were holding the most precious thing in her life. And, somehow, it was.

You flashed the headlights in sync with her leaps and, watching her body turn to the car, her dark brown eyes staring into the glass, you knew what she would say and you both said at the same time, in a whisper only your hearts could hear.

"I love you."

Back to Present – 3 AM

Keeping a packet of m&m's in her jacket pocket, saving it for you to eat later, Jungeun finished eating a strawberry cereal bar, chewing slowly as the girls entered into a conversation to try to calm their spirits. In fact, everyone there was looking forward to you and the baby being well and being able to receive visitors as soon as possible.

Jinsoul told a story of her adolescence and the girls highlighted some parts, asked a few things and laughed. But Jungeun's mind was just a few feet from that waiting room.

Were you in pain? Was the baby finding the way out safely? Was the baby healthy? Were you okay?

She had no way of knowing. She went to the bathroom, the girls followed the blonde head with concern as she crossed the room to the door with a blue sign written "toilet".

When closing the door already inside the bathroom, every sound coming from outside was isolated. Jungeun turned the tap on and felt the cascade of water flowing through her fingers, finding some calm with that, since the only person who could give her the biggest amount of peace was in labor.

She washed her face and dried it with paper, stared at her reflection and realized she was pale. She would only regain color when she could finally see you and the baby.

She put her hand on the door handle again, turning it, and when she closed the door behind her, she noticed that all the girls were standing, staring at the beginning of the corridor. Her face turned in the same direction, where a nurse was standing still, noticed the movement of the woman's lips and the signal for her to follow her on a path. That woman would take Jungeun's to where her heart belonged.

"I wish you were with me... with us at the moment…", you whispered.

"The nurses didn't let me in, babe, but I'm here now..."

Jungeun was almost crouched beside the bed, her face close to yours. She reached up and stroked your cheekbones, touching your forehead with hers.

“How was it?”, she asked.

“It was like I was shitting a coconut.”

Her throat exploded with a pleasurable laugh, making you laugh along, even though you felt a lot of pain in your entire body. Tiredness was overwhelming you, but not enough to see your baby again.

"I only saw our baby for about 5 seconds and I was barely able to see that little face before they did the cleaning and exams."

Your voice was a whisper and Jungeun shook her head, as if she told you not to worry about it, and then she gave you a peck.

When the nurse came into the room and placed the baby in your arms, Jungeun was already crying. She never thought that your love could take on a human shape, so small, fragile and beautiful.

"Oh, God... I love you both so much..." she said, letting those strong tears run down her clean face as she bent down to kiss the top of the baby's head very gently.

That little body, with small hands, gripped her finger firmly and you knew that you would not let anything in the world do anything to destroy that purity. Jungeun felt the same way. Somehow, you knew that. You felt that. Perhaps because you had known her for a long time. Perhaps it was because of love. But you did knew. And she also knew that, whatever happened, her family would always be the homewhere your hearts could rest.

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Seventh Letter

----------------

To: Jeon Wonwoo

From: Y/N

Hey, Wonwoo.

Now that I think back on us, we were a romance novel with a bittersweet ending. Every moment I spent with you felt like I was drinking a comforting cup of hot chocolate even if it didn't have any additional toppings. Warm. Sweet. Lovely. Temporary. I guess I finished the cup of hot chocolate now, huh?

Maybe one day I'd get a refill.

But for now, I'm satisfied.

I don't know how to exactly explain this. I'm just grateful. I'm also happy. I'm not happy with the breakup of course, because it's sad and I'm heartbroken too. I'm happy with the memories we made. I'm happy that a warm and sweet guy like you loved me. I'm happy that I got to love an understanding and intelligent guy like you.

I think deciding to become an avid reader may have been one of the best choices in my life, even if our love lasted only about a year. My unfortunate love life has taken a toll on this love as well. I know you'll say it wasn't any of our faults that we broke up. Knowing you, you'd probably say something along the lines of, “We couldn't hide our hearts that's why we dated. We can't change time that's why we have to separate. We didn't have a choice.”

You're always positive like this. I know that sometimes you're hurting and I was hoping that maybe one day you'd tell me about everything; everything that hurt, bothered, or annoyed you. You did tell me a few things that cut deep but I knew, each time that you opened up to me, that there was an even deeper cut in your heart that you didn't dare to tell yet.

Wonwoo, you were always a happy kid in my eyes. I think you wanted to show me only your good side even though you acted as if you could tell me everything. You were able to speak up for me when I couldn't and you even put my friends in their place. Thank you for that.

At that time, we weren't even dating, so I was always asking myself, “Why is he defending me?”

You were just this bookworm I met in the town's book club that I signed up for. You were just this guy who always happened to be reading in the local library. So, why were you defending me?

Well, we both know that answer now. It was because you liked me.

You began seeing me almost every day, at the local library, because I wanted to build a good habit of reading books. You looked like a cold nerd, always reading in that same, dark corner, barely lit by the lamp nearby. Sometimes I would just, while picking out a book to read, wonder what book it was that had you so invested.

Did you notice me staring? Or is it because I always took a long time looking for books? You never told me which of the ones were the reason you approached me. Well, I also never asked but by the time the question crossed my mind again, we had already fallen in love and broken up.

When you approached me with a book in your hand, I can still hear the words you said with your deep, calming, and dreamy voice. “Read this one if you're having a hard time. I already finished it.”

If you're reading this letter, you're probably cringing, right? Such a cheesy line for a first actual meeting. Well, I will admit now that it left quite an impression on me and lingered in my mind for a while. I never told you that though because I thought it was embarrassing.

You were really sweet even before we started dating. I was always wondering why you would leave me yogurt when I wasn't looking or become protective of me when I was alone. You always acted as if it wasn't a big deal but I know you were taking hours to head home because you insisted on seeing me off every time.

Wonwoo, when we began dating naturally, I wasn't convinced I was in love with you yet. I'm sorry if it sounds like I deceived you but the reason this letter is being written is because I loved you. Back then, even if you don't know my heart, I want to tell you that I'm sorry for dating you when I wasn't sure of my feelings. Whenever I dated or liked someone, it didn't end up that happily.

That day when I told you outside the library at night about how loving me felt like a curse, when you kissed me that night and reassured me that I wasn't cursed, that's when I truly fell for you. You were willing to accept me even when I talked so much that night about my past and failed relationships. Your lips... breath... It was all so warm that I didn't want to let go of you.

You didn't mind it when I talked about my ex-boyfriends and you understood me well. Even the next days that followed my breakdown, you treated me the same. You treated me like I was yours. When you wanted me to be close, you'd pull me close with my chair and ask if it was okay. When you wanted to hold hands, you wouldn't hesitate to do it in the most natural way possible.

You were also very romantic, I don't know if you think of yourself that way though, Wonwoo. I hope the things you did to me and my reaction also made your heart flutter; because every little thing you did to me made my heart race. It's memorable. I wanted to do the same things but I lacked the confidence. At least I gave you some good laughs though?

I remember, one time, I accidentally forgot my book at home during the book club and there were no extras. No one knew we were dating then and you suddenly took the seat beside me and slyly slid your arm around my waist and hand in mine before you started reading the chapter. You don't know just how much my heartbeat spiked because of that. I'll also be honest here, I didn't remember anything you read out loud and ended up reading the chapter again at home.

I think we got close because of our many conversations. Soon, I grew attached to you in many ways. You were the reliever of my stress, the lover of my nights, and an inspirational reader of my days. I had you to talk to when things were hard. I had you to talk to when I wanted to flirt and have fun. I had you to talk with about books.

What a boyfriend you were, handling so many jobs just for me. Now that we've broken up, I've realized that I was selfish. I used you for myself and though sometimes I did try to try and get rid of your hardships by listening, I found that you were independent. You thought you'd be able to handle it all so you always told me, “Just seeing you is enough.”

I honestly hope you don't think that way. I want you to be like me. Be a little selfish sometimes and allow yourself to use another person to rant. I want you to be able to let out all that stress you're having, whether it's from school, home, or your part-time job. I want you to be confident and continue being positive without having to hide your scars, but please, don't make the mistake of trusting the wrong person.

Remember the day when I called you crying, whining about how I failed an important test? It was probably almost midnight at that time and you were probably sleeping. I don't exactly remember the details but I remember this much.

You woke up, got out of bed, and ran to me. When you saw me crying on the bench beside a lamppost in the park, you immediately hugged me, not saying a word. Do you know how thankful I am for that?

It wasn't even that big of a deal. I was being a baby over something so trivial but you still ran to me. Your warm embrace filled with love... I could never forget that.

I still always think about that day when you came over to my house with the excuse that you wanted to read together. You ‘fell asleep’ on my couch.

I don't know how you knew I was staring at your handsome features but somehow, you knew. I still don't know how. I was just staring at you while thinking, ‘This guy cares for me... he's really nice... Why does he like me?’

It was like you could hear my thoughts. You turned your head to me and opened your eyes gently then pulled my head closer and kissed me. My heart fluttered so much and even thinking of it now gives me butterflies.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to do it without your consent.”

Seriously, which novel did you learn that line from?

I also know that sometimes when you ask me to hug you, it's because you're having a hard time, not because you missed me. Do you think I wouldn't know that? I can just remember how desperate your grasp was and how weak your breath was. I wished that you would tell me about your problems one day.

Even though you didn't end up telling me about your deepest fears and scars, I'm glad that you wanted hugs from me. That means I was at least some sort of comfort, right? I was also comforted when I hugged you, even though you were the one who asked for hugs.

I can't do anything but compliment you in this letter because our relationship did not have any flaws. Truly, we only have happy memories to reminisce. Like that day when you kissed me in the library, between bookshelves, or that day when you made a poem about me and read it out loud, or when you came over to my house and helped me water the plants but ended up getting both of us wet. When I was with you, I only had smiles and it felt like I could forget everything and just live as if there were only the two of us.

Because of you, I could forget about college for a while, I could stop stressing about schoolwork, I could be happy and live in the moment. I hope it was that way for you too. Your cold face when you're not smiling and your sharp eyes are enough to slice someone in half. You need to smile warmly with that beautiful smile of yours. You have a beautiful smile.

Wonwoo, I know you're a strong guy. Even without me, your ‘healer’, I know you'll be fine. Please don't make me the only one who remembers this love story. If I wanted to, I could write a romance novel about us. You, the male protagonist, and me, your love interest. We had so many lovely moments that I just want to keep it all in a book.

Well, it's a shame that we have to end our relationship like this. Maybe the timing is just never right for me. College is in a few months and long-distance relationships would never work for us, that's why I asked for us to break up. I know you and you usually rather act than talk. I'm sad about it but there's nothing I can do. I need to go to college.

I just have a few more things to say to you in this long letter.

Wonwoo, sometimes you would be straightforward but sometimes your words and actions would be implicit. Sometimes, even though you were my boyfriend, I would find myself failing to understand you. Everyone is complex but you may be the most mysterious man I fell in love with.

What was I to you?

Was I like a warm cup of hot cocoa?

Or a blanket to give you warmth throughout the nights?

To me, you were warmth, reassurance, love, and like the seasons.

You taught me life lessons while being my partner.

Even if sometimes you seem like a stranger, I don't regret it. I think you must've had a hard time but I'm sorry I couldn't do much to help you. Now that we're over, I'm just happy about what we had.

The fact that we loved each other is enough.

Yours truly,

Y/N

-----------------

© serenityseventeen

6/24/21 - 11:42 am

a/n: My baby brother and parents came back so I spent a lot of time with family and didn't get to finish this. + SVT appearing on so many western shows/channels makes me so happy... I'm just happier these days :)

[kasienda]

Hi! For the WIP ask game, oh gosh. I LOVE Restorative Justice, and I've been wondering if you were going to update it. I'm so glad it's still in the works and I totally understand the difficulty with writing that particular fic. And you know I recently discovered The Five Minute Adventures!!!

I suppose I'll ask about Rena Rouge: Secret Keeper, because I feel like that one would be very relevant to the current season (which I still haven't watched, just have had spoilers). So, what's the dynamic there?

Ahhh! Thank you! I love Restorative Justice, too!! The next chapter is kinda a monster both in content and size. I thought about breaking it apart, but so far I haven't found a good place to do that. But that's part of the problem in terms of an update. The other part, being what I already said - just having a hard time channeling the restorative circle experience when I haven't done one is so long! Haha!

...

Rena Rouge: Secret Keeper Preview (I couldn't choose between these two scenes, so you get both):

“Marinette, why didn’t you just tell him? I totally love that you have trusted me, but why did you never trust Chat?”

“I want to! I almost did! But it would be a selfish decision. He and I cannot know each other until Hawkmoth is defeated.”

“But why? Seems so arbitrary.”

“Yeah…” and she shook.

Alya held her as she cried. “There’s more to this than you just following the rules, isn’t there?”

Marinette nodded tearfully. “There was another timeline. He knew who I was. We were in love. Or that’s what he said, anyway. But… he was akumatized. And Chat Blanc destroyed the world. He said that it was our love that caused it to end. Bunnyx said he couldn’t know who I was. Not yet.”

“Not yet?” Alya questioned. “Maybe it’s okay now?”

“I don’t have some metric! The only thing I know is that he can’t be akumatized! So I have to wait until the risk of akumatization is over!”

Alya was quiet, uncertain what to say.

“I almost told him anyway, Alya. I’ve hurt him so badly. He’s never going to forgive me! I don’t know how to do this without him, but I didn’t know how to convince him to stay. And now it doesn’t matter because I don’t know who he is! And I’m never going to see him again!”

Marinette crumpled into tears. And Alya rocked her but her mind was already awhirl. Marinette has seen the end of the world? Alya hugged her tighter.

“You’ll see him again,” Alya promised.

“How?”

“His kwami knows who he is right?”

“They all do! But they can’t tell anyone!”

Alya looked over at Trixx who nodded in confirmation.

“Can they give hints?”

Trixx shook her head.

“It doesn’t matter, Alya! I can’t know who he is either!”

“But what if you weren’t the one to know?”

“What?”

“What if I knew Chat’s identity? It keeps you from knowing each other but helps us coordinate. We could include him in the planning! I could help support him like I do for you!”

Marinette was staring. “I… I don’t know all the details. But yes, anything, please! But you have to never slip, Alya. You can’t tell me who he is. You can’t hint! You may have to lie to me to protect him!”

“I understand.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve already lied to Nino you know… to protect you.”

Marinette slumped. “I’m sorry.”

Alya shrugged. “It’s part of being a superhero, and I know Nino would be okay with it if I could tell him the reasons, and I knew it had to happen to protect you because you protect the whole city. I understand the stakes! And I’m telling you, that I can do this.”

Marinette crashed into her abdomen, her arms circling around Alya.

“You are the bestest best friend in the whole world!”

Alya laughed. “I don’t know if I would go that far.”

“I would,” Marinette mumbled. “So how are you going to find him?”

Alya opened her mouth.

“No wait! Don’t tell me! I shouldn’t know!"

...

“Chat, Ladybug needs you to come back.”

“Then why are you here?” He ran his hands through his hair. “If I’m so important to her, why did she send you?”

“Because she’s still convinced you can’t know each other’s identities.”

He throws his hands up in frustration or something. “I don’t understand what’s so different that you can know and I cannot? I know she says she trusts me, but her actions say something different. And I’m not sure what I did that she found so unworthy of trust—“

“It’s nothing you did!” Alya interjected.

“— but I didn’t take myself off the team because I think I have the right to know. It’s putting us all - her and me and you - in danger when we’re not on the same page!”

“I agree completely!”

He glared unhappily at her for a moment, then his eyebrows furrowed together.

“She wants to know, Adrien. And she wants you to know who she is, too! I promise you, she does!”

“She has a funny way of showing it.”

“She spent the last few hours bawling her eyes out about how much she’s hurt you and that you’ll never ever forgive her. And that it doesn’t matter because she’s never going to see you again.”

He sighed and dropped his head. “I’m sorry, Rena. I can’t come back. I’m a danger to her and to the whole team because we can’t communicate.”

“I agree completely,” she said. “Which is why I’m here! Will you let me explain?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said, his voice the calmest it had been since she had arrived. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take my frustration out on you. What did you come here to tell me?”

“Ladybug trusts you more than anyone. More than me.”

“But—“

“More than anyone!” she insisted. “Apparently she did trust you. You both knew each other’s identities at some point.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“I know you don’t. She doesn’t really either. But she saw what it led to. Bunnyx… you know who Bunnyx is right?”

He nodded.

“Bunnyx came and got her and took her to a future where the world had been destroyed. Bunnyx told her the inciting event was you two learning each other’s identities.”

“Why did she never tell me this?”

“She’s never been one to share burdens.”

He winced.

“She didn’t plan to tell me her identity either, you know. She just had a mental breakdown and I happened to be there. I imagine being a full time super hero when no one knows, wears you down.”

He snorted. “Understatement.”

“When she was spiraling, I convinced her that we could find some kind of loophole. Show you that she does trust you. She’s only trying to protect you, Paris, and apparently the future. I figured I could know both your identities, and act as a go between. That way you’ll always be in the know.”

“That only works if I know who you are, too.”

“I’ll drop the transformation as soon as you agree, Kit Kat.”

He stared at her for awhile. “I will want to talk to Ladybug about all this.”

“Obviously.”

“Okay then.” He put the ring back on.

“Will you stop renouncing me every time you have a bad day?!” Plagg screeched at him.

“I’ve only renounced you twice,” Adrien being surly.

“Twice too many! And there was a third time you threatened to do so.”

“You’ve given up the ring before?”

“Ugh! I don’t want to talk about it. Are you going to drop your transformation or not?”

“Trixx, let’s rest.”

“Alya?”

“Hi, Adrien. I swear I didn’t know you were hurting this much. I’m sorry I’ve been so blind as your friend.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugged it off. “I never told you anything was going on... Wait! If you’re Rena. That means Carapace is…”

She waved him forward. She wasn’t sure what she was allowed to say, but if he figured it out himself, it wasn’t her fault.

“Carapace is Nino,” he concluded. “Isn’t it weird that practically all the holders are in our class?”

“The same class where literally everyone except you has been akumatized?” She was proud of herself for delivering that line with a straight face. And felt guilty that she was already misleading him. But wasn’t that what she signed up for? To keep both Ladybug and Chat Noir on the same page while misdirecting them from each other?

Which was going to be way harder than she thought because they were together like all of the time. They saw each other every single day almost! They sat like half a meter apart in class! How had they not already figured each other out?

Some of this must have shown on her face because Plagg was laughing his head off at her. “Welcome to my world, kit,” the black kwami said.

She sighed. She definitely had her work cut out for her.

[avesblues2]

Thanks. Basically, because I'm super lonely and depressed and have been for some time now, I got a habit of talking to dudes online to fill the void in me. I've had a bunch of disastrous and failed online "relationships" and I swore I'd never do it again because I'd always end up heartbroken but I had a mental breakdown like 3 months ago and met another dude that night who I've talked to on and off since. Things have been super rocky between us to say the least and I decided to cut him off for good a couple days ago because I have too many mental issues to have a normal, healthy friendship and I keep acting out for attention and purposely starting drama. I've been emotionally abusive towards him and I don't trust myself to cut it out. It got to the point where I even pretended I overdosed on pills and was dying while on the phone with him.. he cried and stayed up with me all night. I'm super ashamed of my behavior. He called me a narcissistic psychopath during one argument we had and that's when I realized I need to leave him alone. He went off on me accusing me of abandoning him and calling me a fake friend when I explained to him why we needed to stop talking, despite him telling me to fuck off before if I wouldn't stop my toxic behavior because the friendship obviously wouldn't work, and now idk what to do. I see it as me doing him a favor but he doesn't seem to get it, despite everything I put him through. I feel backed into a corner because he said he "wants his friend back". He asked for permission to check up on me once in a while and I said that was ok, but idk if we can ever be friends again. Things have been super hard lately because I have to come to terms with being completely alone again and not speaking to him and I've been feeling suicidal because I got really attached like always. Do you have any advice for me? I'm aware I need professional help which I'm going to get eventually, but like I said I just feel beyond terrible lately and really alone with all of my problems. I try to cry out to God when the anxiety and pain is too much but I still feel super stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thank you and I'm sorry this was so long.

Don’t ever apologize for reaching out to someone!

I think the fact that you are reaching out and recognize your behavior is a great start that many people don’t even reach, so don’t be to hard on yourself.

In terms of you saying you go out and look for attention and talk to the guys to fill a void, I feel that is many women nowadays who lack a relationship with Christ. I used to be that way during my freshmen year of college. I know the feelings you are feeling. I too felt isolated, alone, talked to guys to fill a void and seek attention from them and found myself entering toxic relationships because I was just looking for somebody, anybody. It took me almost the whole semester and a little bit more to overcome this.

The best thing to do is first, I think it is wise to cut off unhealthy and toxic relationships, not just for you but for the other person as well. The reason you may feel attached is because you may lack confidence in your singleness and have low self-esteem-that’s how it was for me. One thing I did that helped me become more confident in my singleness was to find a hobby I really enjoyed. I started mountain biking and running. Running helped fill in the gaps I felt was missing and mountain biking gave me peaceful time alone in nature to be away from my phone and the noisy world. If you can, I suggest trying to pick a hobby that is outdoor centered or allows you to be outdoors more. It is seriously amazing what the sun and fresh air can do for your physical and mental state. Remember, our body is all connected so how you physically feel will translate into your mental state as well and vice versa. Filling your time doing activities that give your purpose really builds up your self confidence! And until you build up that self confidence you may relapse in trying to filling this emptiness by talking to men.

Now, that’s just a temporary cure to a deeper issue, that void you feel will NEVER be filled unless you fill it with Jesus. Ask yourself, how many times a week are you spending alone time with the Lord and reading His word? It’s stated that those who read the Bible at least 4 days a week have a greater and stronger relationship with Christ. Why is that? When you aren’t filling your mind, body and soul with God the world is filling those voids for you.

“Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him… 17 The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.—1 John 2:15-17

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.—Romans 12:2

What does renewing your mind mean? It means spending time in prayer and in God’s word. When you don’t renew your mind, you become further and further from God’s voice, the world drowning out His voice telling you lies like “he isn’t listening, he isn’t doing anything” when really it’s you who isn’t listening and you who isn’t opening the door to let Him in. Are you truly surrendering to His will and wisdom? I suggest starting with proverbs to gain wisdom! 2 Timothy tells us 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline- the spirit gives us power, confidence but when we don’t renew our mind and feed our spirit guess what replaces that? Shame, fear, anxiety, loneliness. If you don’t download the Bible app and try out some Bible study plans! You can search any topic and start a plan! This is where I started and it was life changing to indulge in God’s word and also, God’s community, are you part of a church? If not I suggest you perhaps start looking. We aren’t meant to do life alone friend! Community is everything!

Also, we become like those who we hang around. “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”—1 Corinthians 15:33

Are you surrounding yourself with people who are dragging you down or uplifting you?

Don’t ever feel ashamed for reaching out and feel free to keep messaging me if you need too! Know that you have a community in Christ and God wants good things for your life, you just have to listen to Him and the way you do that is read His word, with open ears and open heart and with repentance and sincerity. He will answer you and guide you.

[rayofsunas]

HAVING BIG OC IDEAS

Okay so I've been playing skyrim a lot recently, and now I'm having medieval, viking oc ideas.

I want a stronk woman, who can just pick up people and throw them lmao.

Idk if they gonna be a genshin oc, cause if they are they'll probably be hydro claymore. But how she meets the Traveler is that she was trapped in magical ice or something so she's probably like 300 years old but just didn't age.

So if you get her out of the ice she's super confused and stuff cause it's been so long and things have changed.

Probably gonna be a 5 star cause I want her weapon to be a unique claymore. More like a battleaxe? Or warhammer?

I was thinking about some heavy armor and war paint cause she's defiantly been in some wars. She's a lot more battle driven? Idk

She must of been in a old region or group. Like in her quest idk you find her mourning over her old city's ruins and all the people she's lost and beats herself down for not being able to protect them.

OOOO THIS IS SO COOL. she’s giving me beidou vibes! I like historical stuff so anything viking/medieval is up my alley. I have so many thoughts lol. (sticking with genshin oc)

hydro archons right hand: what if she was like a very strong warrior in her village or even was the hydro archons right hand/most trusted soldier back in the day... since you said she’s probably around 300 years old, I’m sure the hydro archon was around. she doesn’t necessarily follow every order given cause she prefers to be independent, but she doesn’t usually shy away from battle. probably the type to know when to fight and when not to, and she doesn’t just go in blindly or allow rage to consume her enough to control her ya know. but she’s definitely been in some shit.

myth: maybe she’s even a bit of a myth too or her vision/family comes from an ancient folklore that had special abilities (natural: known for their physical strength, or unnatural: given some sort of magical power) and what if visions weren’t that well known yet hence the reason people thought them to be a myth? I think it would be cool to imagine visions being pretty new/rare, and because of that the people in her village are wary of her. they keep her close enough to show they aren’t scared of her, but they are standoffish cause she’s “different”. eventually they all warm up to her, and she becomes a very important figure in the village, not just known for her skill during battle.

power/strength: I’m all here for a claymore user! maybe she even prefers her claymore over using her actual hydro abilities (when she uses her claymore she chooses not to use her hydro vision). not even because she thinks hydro is weak, mainly because of preference and she’s just so strong she doesn’t need the extra vision ya know, she has physical strength and tactic down. she’s a dirty fighter too- never overstepping boundaries or ignoring the rules in battle, but her tactics are sneaky so her opponents thing she’s cheating a lot lol.

quest idea 1: imagine if she had a backstory quest, where we see this usually strong warrior, breakdown because she comes face to face with her ancestors tomb. imagine, she had a child, s/o, friend, or somebody in her past life, and ofc they died because it’s been 300 or so years. but she stumbles upon her family’s tomb and sees her child(rens), grandchildren’s, etc. names on the tomb and she just breaks down because like damn, she’s missed out on EVERYTHING. and maybe, if she had a child (I imagine one, a daughter maybe lol), there’s a flashback of the child over the years bringing their own children to visit her where she’s frozen in the ice. she can’t communicate obviously, and she’s unconscious but the fact that they know about her and she could never communicate hurts a lot.

quest idea 2: another idea could be after she’s unfrozen, she runs into an ancestor of hers (great great grandchild or something lol) and they help her navigate through the new teyvat (if she’s still within that world) I can see them teaching her new languages, introducing her to new foods and all the neat shiny weapons! (she’s not used to such shiny armor/weapons because back then they weren’t made like the ones today due to lack of resources/material/skill; though she’d never give her own weapon up (maybe it was a heirloom or something that has saved her so many times she can’t part with it) but she honestly can’t help but ogle at the other weapons haha.

quest idea 3: not to turn her into a villain but what if she held a grudge against cryo users in the future (due to the fact that she was frozen; however that happened) and she despises them. even if it wasn’t a cryo user who put her in that predicament (she sees them as enemies just by association and the fact that they have an ice vision). like if you stick with the fact that she had loved ones and was taken away from them due to being frozen, I’d imagine she’d want to get some kind of revenge somehow. she probably wants to battle them on sight when she sees them and traveler just has to remind her that not everyone is her enemy lol. I think it would be interesting if she also had some sort of fear still of being frozen again, which is why she reacts the way she does and wants to battle them all the time. maybe it’s not just due to revenge, but she’s worried that she’ll be “locked” away again and taken away from the chance at a life AGAIN. like she’s just getting used to this new world and does not want to be taken away again. don’t wanna make her your typical oc or someone that constantly needs to be a victim, but I think it would make sense for her to have some sort of fear that drives her to want to fight them.