#like at this point im just trying to finish the fucking semester without passing out or passing on

[aremegay]

.

[mvement]

what if i punch someone in the face. what if i break my table in half. what if i just sleep. what if i cry in the hollow-est way known to humankind.

there's a lot going on.

going back to talking to old friends and talk abt doing something cool together? good GOOD solid good for the soul. making new friends? also so, so good. must always always have space for that in life.

now. i wanna fulfill my obligations but i don't wanna live for them exclusively.

also, there are different obligations i wanna have. i wanna study history and art and see it in person abroad. i wanna go abroad - not an obligation. i wanna have the time and the mind energy to dedicate to it with heart and soul.

but i also can't go without money - as in i don't wanna because i go crazy - and my current job gives me just that but it's so much time and energy that it combined with uni takes from me. i hate it. i hate not having the possibility of moving slowly in that sense.

i mean, i do. have the possibility. sort of. i can just finish uni in like another year or more. but for this semester i just took apparently too fucking many classes (which honestly aren't many at all but with the Tiredness and Other Unmentioned Anxiety Related Shit, it becomes so) and i can't cancel them anymore.

annoying annoying too fucking annoying fuck everything because i do have the fucking capacity of passing everg single shit i signed up for with flying fucking colors and i keep getting complimented at work but i feel so DRAINED in a soul level that makes me wonder how the fuck am i supposed to DO THAT. without getting even more drained. this fuckshit fuck is pissing me off

oh and the fucking pain in the ass of leaving behind details i would never miss had i have my fucking brain working smoothly. yes i fucking know this and i fucking know that too and i WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF IT AND ACTED UPON IT HAD I NOT BEEN SO DRAINED TO DO SO. THERES NO NEED TO POINT OUT SHIT I ALREADY KNOW AND KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT IF THE PROBLEM LIES SOMEWHERE ELSE. but how would they know that's the fucking problem right.

smth else ocurred to me - imagining doesn't do shit for me anymore. daydreaming isn't enough. escapism isn't here in any form or way and if i try theres no pleasure or boost i get from it. theres a blatant undeniable need to act, and i guess that's exactly what I've asked for all along. but isn't this the most bumpy fucking road im in rn

i dont wanna hate everything and i especially fucking dont wanna feel like i want nothing at all because im too tired to want anything. i hate this. i hate hate hate it

[lideria]

Give Me a Few. | Johnny

Request: hi hi can you write smtg with johnny? like anything hhhh im soft for the man

Author’s Note: I miss school. Yes, that might be a crime but hear me out: this quarantine’s got me missing school and having crises over assignments and quizzes and tests, which is crazy to me. So, this shall be a college fic.

Warnings: A few swear words and a little anxiety. English is my second language so there might be errors + my brain is pushing a writer’s block on me but I won’t let it so there might be some complications with the flow loves I’m sorry.

Word Count: 1.752 IT’S SHORT.

Genre: Fluff, Angst if you like squint really hard, college!au, platonicfriends!au

Hope everyone who reads it enjoys!! 💚Have a lovely time, and good night for me lol

“The fuck?”

Johnny’s head bolts up at the frustrated question. He sees you hunched over the printed papers with your mechanical pencil in your hand and your phone in the other, scrunched eyebrows looking at the white surface scribbled all over with equations and formulas. The desk has eraser dust all over it, all from the past few hours of tussling with questions he thought must simply be too difficult. “That doesn’t make any sense, you sure that’s right?”

He can hear the faint “Dude yes, I used the calculator.” of your friend on the other end of the line, and sees your hand spring up to your temple, rubbing the spot as you let out a sigh. Shortly after, though, the mechanical pen comes back in contact with the paper. “Okay okay. Just guide me through that one more time please.”

Your friend cleans their throat so clearly Johnny can hear it, and with that he returns to his own share of notes. He is much more relaxed than you are since he has left his fair share of difficult examinations behind, and although he has a lot more memorizing to do still, it is whatever. Just two more to go.

It takes a few minutes for your friend to go over everything they had just told you, with you writing the formulas and equations down step by step, circling the ones you deemed important. You thank your friend for helping before hanging up.

Which is when the mechanical pencil is thrown out of your hand and onto the desk. “I’m gonna fail this final so bad,” You whine out. “Why make the course mandatory if half the faculty doesn’t even get it?” Leaned back on the chair, you rub your eyes with your fists. There is nothing more you want other than being done with the finals already and to never have to be acquainted with this course ever again— but you also have to pass it in order for that to become true.

“Should I just help?” Johnny suggests, his own studies long forgotten at that point. Not that he had been doing a particularly good job at focusing on them.

He sees you hunch back over the desk, looking at him with your hands tiredly placed on your cheeks. “Hasn’t it been like.. 2 semesters since you’ve taken this? Plus, you have a test tomorrow.”

Johnny clicks his tongue. “It’s history anyway— I couldn’t care less, it’s easy. Multiple choice.” Shutting his notebook close (which still amazes you how he can take notes by hand of a class like history where it is dominantly lecture material that matters), he stands up and instead takes a seat on the chair beside yours. “I’d rather struggle with formulas than read about every revolution there ever was.”

“Easy to say when you ace tests without studying for them.” You mumble, which makes Johnny smile. He could not protest that because it was true. He was a good listener during class, which helped him tons with assignments, which in turn helped him not forget the class material. The only type of courses that truly got to him were the ones where most things are dependent on discussions, arguments or debates where he needed to improvise. Not because he is bad at any of them, just because he is the type to take problems more subjectively rather than objectively.

Johnny tells you to take a breather for a few minutes while he tries to get what is going on in the question. You see this as an opportunity to take a few sips from your sugary drink that is supposed to get you through this night’s study session that is sure to become an all nighter considering you still have a couple of pages to work out. Then you check your phone, scrolling through your social media for a little, until Johnny’s hand lightly lands on your forearm. “I think I figured it out.”

“You did?” The question sounds more hopeful than it should have. “Mhm,” His eyes land on your phone momentarily before he continues speaking. “Let’s have dinner first, though.”

For you to agree he almost has to literally drag you outside of the study room the two of you had occupied, but he manages to bring you out by wrapping his arms around your shoulders and waddling his way out until the door closes and locks behind you. The two of you then make your way to the cafeteria just because you could not be bothered with making any food or asking for delivery.

While you eat, Johnny tells you he is almost sure you could not get the question because your brain was fried rather than being unable to do it. Although not knowing if it is true or not you are thankful that he says it, because it gives you a motivational boost.

Both because you are hungry and because you really need all the studying you can get, you hurry up eating— barely even tasting the food before you leave to get back to the study room.

When you are back both of you immediately go back to your seats, putting your phones on flight mode before abandoning them at the far end of the desk. Johnny takes your mechanical pencil and eraser, erasing your jotted answer before starting to re-read and rephrase the question for you. He writes down the answer step by step, making sure you truly understand everything and stopping when you need to get your head wrapped on some things.

And when he erases his writings so you can write the answer down, he gives you encouraging pats on your shoulder, letting his hand rest there as a reminder that he is there if you need to ask something.

At some point he places his chin on your shoulder as well to watch you. Not you writing your answer down, but you. “You’re being annoying right now.” You mumble, to which he chuckles slightly. “Am I?”

“You are,” Confirming the statement, you tap down at the desk. “Just look. I got the right answer this time.”

He does. The smile that spreads across his face soon after he does so makes you proud. “See, I told you it was only your overworked brain.”

With a roll of your eyes you thank him, before turning back to the many practice questions that awaited you. The questions start coming as a breeze for the first couple of hours as you gather help from your textbooks with your freshened mind. Johnny starts to play one of his many playlists with chill songs on it, reaching out for his phone to do it before also reaching out for his notebook and highlighters, returning to history out of the sheer fact that it would make him feel better if he studied while you were.

The music in the background provides a nice ambiance in the room, much more lighthearted and relaxed than how it has been for the whole study session so far. Johnny and you take turns leaving the room to walk around, partly to get some exercise and partly to delay the point where you would get sleepy.

The night seems to go by faster after you start studying for the second time. And surely after some time, you had to start leaving the study room not for short walks, but to wash your face in order to stay awake.

Letters slowly start to form a gibberish language in your mind, numbers becoming a jumble of weird lines and strokes. What really breaks all that you have left of wakefulness, though, is when Johnny starts softly humming to the songs on his never-ending playlist.

His voice is deep and strains when he is using such a low tone to hum to the songs, but it is still quite the attention catcher. You cannot help but start listening to him, and you certainly cannot help your hand that trails off of the practice questions. Within a few songs’ time, your eyes get droopy and your world gets droopy, too. But you honestly try to fight off the sleep.

Yet, sleep is much stronger than whatever is keeping you awake.

“I think I’m gonna take a nap,” The announcement comes as a surprise even to you, but you reach out for your bag and drag it until it is in front of you on the desk. “What’re you doing?”  Johnny throws a soft yet questioning look at you even though it must be obvious what you are doing. “I’m gonna use it as a pillow.”

“Just lay your head on my arm,” He says as if it is nothing, and shrugs a little when you look at him with your own pair of questioning eyes. “My cardigan’s thick and soft enough to be comfortable for both you and me.”

You smile at him, and pull your bag full of books and binders aside. Reaching out for his left arm, you hold his hand lightly— even though he is fully capable of lifting his forearm to place it in front of you— and drag his arm to the space previously occupied by your bag. He returns to his notes, unbothered, and gets back to humming along to the songs.

When you place your head on his forearm you smile at the scent of his cardigan, the scent of the coffee he had had before you started studying still embedded into the fabric.

You shut your eyes that do not have the motivation to fight off the sweet invitation of sleep. And if anybody ever asked you, you would say you fell asleep before Johnny finished the line he was humming to.

And if anybody ever asked you, it was the one of the best (and deepest) sleeps you had; your face engulfed in him and his cardigan’s warmth, your arms closed around his forearm, hunched over the desk in a position that is surely going to ache your back— until there is a scratch at the top of your head and through your hair. “Hm?”

“An hour’s passed.” He whispers, his hand still in your hair. You draw his arm closer to you, nuzzling your face into the fabric. You were not the one with a test tomorrow, and you were surely not the one with a test tomorrow that you could ace with your eyes closed. “Gimme 15 minutes.”

You hear him laugh. “Okay, big baby.”

[axwalker]

Tears in Heaven 1: Beginnings

Synopsis: Alexis O’Brien is about to get married but memories of her old life are coming back to haunt her.

MASTERLIST

Pairings: Liam x MC Drake x MC (TRR)

Warnings: This story will deal with very dark subjects such as death, severe depression and suicide attempt (among others) if you’re triggered by any of those issues, please do not read this story.

A/N: The story will go back and forth between three different periods of time (2009 / 2015 / 2019) 

Word count: 4,800

Songs inspiration: Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton

THANKS TO: @mskaneko​ for the beautiful edits in the mood board. to my awesome beta reader @pedudley​ and to @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​ for helping me figure some things out. Love you girls 💕💕

Tagging: @mskaneko​ @pedudley​ @burnsoslow​ @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​ @lauzales​ @yukinagato2012​ @kingliam2019​ @texaskitten30​  @loveellamae​ @nomadics-stuff​ @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria​ @flutistbyday2020​ @mrsdrakewalkerblog​ @ladyangel70​ @kimmiedoo5​ @debramcg1106​ @ao719​ @msjr0119​  @ac27dj​   

If you want to be added or removed from the list, please don’t hesitate to ask ;-) 

March 2015

Maxwell and Liam arrived at Alexis’s apartment and ran through the stairs. Maxwell knocked on the door several times, but no one came. He threw a worried look at Liam; she hadn’t answered any calls or messages for two days.  

“Olivia gave me the spare key” he screamed through the door “We’re coming in Alexis, I’m sorry”

Liam opened the door and saw an impossible mess. Dozens of wine bottles, pizza boxes, and piles of clothes were scattered everywhere. She wasn’t in the living room, so they went to her room where they found her on the bed. She had her back turned to them.

They exchanged another concerned look.  Maxwell sat next to her and rubbed her back “Lexie, we were so worried”

She didn’t turn her head, but Max felt her crying silently.

“Go away. I want to be alone”

Liam’s chest tightened “Alexis we can’t leave you like this. Come with us, please”

Her sad, hollow voice was barely recognizable “Where?”

Liam gestured at Maxwell to stand up so he could sit next to her. “To Valtoria. You know how big the estate is, you won’t have to see me if you don’t want to, but I want to take care of you, Alexis, please”

Alexis shook her head, they didn’t understand. How could they get her pain, the emptiness in her chest, the despair that never left her? She needed to be left in peace with her memories, that was everything she had now.

She sat up on the bed, her face was pale, almost grey with deep purplish rings encircling her eyes. Liam noticed that she was gripping a photo album.

“I don’t need you or anyone else. I lost everything” She bawled at him “Everything!  Just leave me alone”

Maxwell’s eyes watered too “It’s been five months, Blossom, maybe we could get some help”

She scoffed bitterly “Is that so? Five fucking months? So, I’m supposed to forget everything? I’m supposed to just move the fucking on?” Tears ran through her cheeks “Just leave !”

“Darling, I-“

“Leave.Now”

Liam stood up “We’ll leave now, but we will come back later with Olivia and every single day after that, Alexis. You may want to die but I won’t allow it” He didn’t dare touch her, even if he wanted nothing more than taking her in his arms and comfort her, he knew he couldn’t help her right now.

After they left, Alexis gathered the little strength she had and stood up to pour herself another drink. More tears came to her eyes when she remembered how he used to tease her for her love of pictures and old photo albums.

She opened it and saw the first one.  It was a picture of a dark sky illuminated by hundredths of bright stars, with the legend “August 2009” scribbled underneath. Next to it, there was a picture of Drake smiling, and then another one of both of them smiling at each other. She was unable to look more photos knowing that dozens of other memories were waiting for her in that fucking album. Memories that were happy once, and that had become excruciating after that day. The day he had… died.

She couldn’t understand why everything was so incredibly unfair. They had so much love. He had so much life left to live. An uncontrollable rage overcame her, and she threw the album across the room.

Then she went to her drawer and took a bunch of sleeping pills. She needed some rest.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

August 2009

Alexis shut the door behind her and hurried to the bar where she had been working since last summer. She lived with her family in a suburb outside of Cordonia city. It took her one hour and a half to go to work or college, but Cindy, her stepmother, insisted on moving there because it was a neighborhood “where rich people lived”. It didn’t matter that her father was an ordinary accountant or that she had to work to afford college. Appearances were everything for her and her father.

She arrived at the bar five minutes late and panting, but she didn’t have time to catch her breath. She changed into another t-shirt and put on her apron, as soon as she finished tying it, two men entered the bar. They seemed completely disparate, one was wearing a jean shirt and Timberlands while the other one had an expensive jacket and loafers.  

She went to their table noticing how handsome the man in the denim shirt was. He looked angry and brooding, not her usual type but he made it work.

“Hi, guys. What can I-?”

“Waitress, the menu!” The other man interrupted her.

Alexis cocked her brow, as used as she was to the rich kids on campus and their poor manners, some nights she just didn’t have the patience to deal with them.

She smiled widely before answering “My name is written on my tag, it’s Alexis. I also work faster when people add please or thank you to their sentences” Fuck! There goes my tip.

Drake was suddenly interested. He turned his face to look at her for the first time and his heart skipped a beat. Even wearing a horrible green apron, and with her hair in a messy ponytail, he could see how pretty she was. Shiny eyes and a flirty smile. Fuck, a beautiful smile.

He cleared his throat “We apologize, erm… Alexis. Can we start over?”

Alexis felt his dark eyes penetrate hers and she bit her lip feeling slightly nervous. “Of course, that’s fine” She smiled again “what can I get you?”

“We’ll get three burgers and three glasses of whiskey, please” He added smirking.

She looked puzzled “Three?”

Drake nodded behind her, so she turned around and saw a tall, blond man smiling at her.

“Hi, I’m Liam” He looked at her tag “Alexis?”

She smiled at the impossibly handsome man in front of her. “Hi, Liam, yes, that’s it”

“Nice to meet you, Alexis. That’s Tariq and Drake” He said pointing at the men on the table.

She grinned back at them “Nice to meet you too, I’ll bring your order in a few minutes”

Liam watched her leave for the kitchen “Damn she’s pretty”

“The waitress?” Tariq arched his eyebrows in surprise

Liam smiled “Yes, she’s very cute” he looked at the main counter where she was animatedly talking to the bartender. “I’ll go talk to her after diner, maybe she’ll accept to come out with us”

Drake didn’t bother to say anything, Liam wasn’t only kinder than him, he was also much richer and a noble. He didn’t stand a chance with her, not that it mattered anyway, he was only looking for another fun night.

After dinner, Liam went looking for her, when he came back to the table, he had a huge smile on his lips. “She agreed to come with us. Let’s wait for her outside”

Fifteen minutes later she came out with the same black jeans and sneakers than before but without the apron and the t-shirt she used for work.  Instead, she was now wearing a white tank top that highlighted her tanned skin and hugged her curves. Her hair was down, and she wasn’t wearing a lot of makeup, but it didn’t matter, she was completely natural, one of the most beautiful women Drake had ever seen.

His mouth went immediately dry and he couldn’t avoid blushing as a loud “Wow!” escaped from his lips.

She smiled flirty at him “Wow?”

He cleared his throat and said the first thing that popped into his head “I almost didn’t even recognize you”

She laughed “He! Thanks? I guess?”

He laughed too, a bit embarrassed but didn’t take his eyes off of her and something intangible seemed to pass between them for a second until Liam spoke.

“I booked a table at Kismet, is that alright with you, Alexis?”

“Isn’t that a super fancy club?” She looked at her simple clothes and sneakers.

Liam grinned at her “A woman as beautiful as you would go in spite of what she’s wearing” He winked at her “but I know the owner too”

She blushed “Thank you Liam and I supposed it’s okay then”

Liam offered her his arm and walked her to his Mercedes Benz, Drake was getting more and more annoyed at them, at least he had his jeep and wouldn’t have to ride with the new happy couple to the club.

Kismet was a trendy club at the heart of Cordonia city, when they arrived the manager himself took them to their table upstairs in the VIP section and asked for their order.

Liam talked with a kind but assertive voice “We will be drinking the same as usual, Terence. And you, Alexis?”

“I would love a glass of whiskey, thanks” She smiled at him.

Drake looked at her even more intrigued than before but didn’t say anything. Liam was captivated, so he was already talking to her and making her laugh.

After a while, Alexis turned to the other two friends. “Liam tells me he just finished his MBA. Were you in the same class together?”

Tariq answered fast “Yes, we were, but I still need some credits to graduate”

Drake snorted “The understatement of the year, you were drunk the whole semester”

Alexis chuckled as she turned to Drake “You did an MBA too?”

“No, I hate that kind of shit”

Liam shook his head amused “Drake is in Vet school”

“Wow, that’s interesting” She looked at him “Is this your last year?”

Drake shook his head no and took a sip of his whiskey without adding anything else. He hated her feigned interest; it was obvious that she was only trying to impress Liam by befriending him and Tariq. After years as Liam’s best friend, he knew all their tactics.

Liam sighed “No, he still needs two more years to graduate”

She cocked her brow “And does Drake speak, or does he need you to translate for him?” Liam chuckled. 

Drake shrugged “I just hate small talk”

“Suit yourself then” Alexis scowled; he was infuriating so she wasn’t to lose any more time with him, no matter how handsome he was.

Tariq let his eyes roam over her body as discreetly as he could, she was a simple waitress but certainly a very hot one, maybe he could have a chance with her when Liam got tired. “And you?” He asked, barely listening to her answer.

“I’m an English literature major, I start in the Fall”

He frowned “How old are you?”

“Nineteen. I took a year to save for college”

Before Tariq could reply anything, he saw Alexis jumping off the table to greet someone.

“Blossom!!” Maxwell’s shout could be heard despite the high volume of the music “What are you doing here? I called you like a thousand times. Olivia is here too, she’s downstairs.

Alexis hugged Maxwell. Maxwell, Oliva and her had met each other in High School. Maxwell and she were almost soulmates and had become instant best friends while Olivia and she were completely different so their friendship had taken longer to build but she couldn’t imagine her life without either of them.

“Come, I’ll introduce you, Max”

He giggled “I know the Rhys, Blossom. They’re my brother’s friends” He got closer to her and whispered in her ear “Remember the guy I wanted to set you up with?”

She nodded

“Well, It was Liam” She smiled but her eyes went to Drake, which didn’t go unnoticed by Maxwell.

“Forget it, Blossom. Bertrand says that he and Leo, Liam’s brother, are only interested in one-night stands. Liam is more like you, a romantic”

I gotta feeling (here) started playing on the speakers.

“Our song, Lexie!” Maxwell screamed “Come on guys! Let’s dance”

Liam grabbed Alexis’s hand and took her to the dancefloor, Tariq followed them to talk to a lonely blonde by the bar and Drake stayed alone at the table. Finally.

He poured himself another whiskey and changed seats to watch the people dancing. His eyes instantly drifted to Liam and Alexis.

Liam was a decent dancer, but she was mesmerizing. Her hips moved in sync with the music, and a playful smile never left her lips. He had never seen anyone enjoy music so much, or be that joyful, that full of life.

He must’ve been staring hard at her because she suddenly locked eyes with him and he felt the same intangible energy passing between them that he had felt earlier.

He held her gaze for a few seconds, feeling his heart beating much faster, and his mind running wild with thoughts of him with her on the dance floor ravaging those lips.

He shook his head, breaking the eye contact, she was there with Liam, his best friend.

He needed a distraction, so he went to the bar for another whiskey. While he was waiting, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Hi, there!” She was standing in front of her, grinning at him.

“What do you want, Alexis?”

“Aren’t you a real charmer?” she laughed “Come dance with us”

He shook his head. “I don’t dance”

“As a rule?” She gave him an adorable grin, that made him smile almost against his own will. 

 “Well, I’m a man of principles.” They both chuckled.

She Will Be Loved, started playing. 

“Oh god! I love this song. You’re not going to let me like this, are you?” She said as she offered him her hand.

Drake shook his head smiling but took her small hand, almost nervously. He had no trouble engaging with women almost anywhere except for a dancefloor.

Beauty queen of only eighteen she Had some trouble with herself He was always there to help her, she Always belonged to someone else

She grinned bashfully at him “This song is meant to be dance closer than this”

He smiled as he put his arms around her waist and she settled her left hand on his shoulder and her right hand on his waist. “Just feel the music”. She winked at him. He was instantly charmed. And damn, she felt good in his arms.

She was delicate and tantalizing and had a fruity scent, cherry maybe, that was driving him insane.

He felt her move against him, her hips swaying with the rhythm of the song, and her eyes fixated on his. She was the sexiest woman he had ever held before. She had her head turned to him, so he could finally watch her face freely. Her eyes were black and bright with long eyelashes and they were looking at him in a way he had never been looked at before. Her lips were pink and full, and she had the cute habit of biting her bottom lip when she was nervous.

He felt an irresistible need to feel her even closer, so he pulled her against him as they danced. He smiled when he saw the pretty blush coloring her cheeks. She looked away so he took her chin between his fingers and turned her head back to him without a word. He couldn’t get enough of those eyes.

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I Want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn't matter anymore

Alexis’s heart was beating so hard she couldn’t believe it, a few minutes ago he was driving her crazy, and now she felt like melting in his arms.  

His chocolate eyes were looking so intensely at her, that she was having trouble breathing normally. Suddenly, she felt his big hand on the small of her back pulling her impossibly close to him, getting her knees weaker too. She looked away but his calloused fingers raised her chin to him again, and she saw that he was smiling at her for the first time that night. He was incredibly handsome, with cute dimples and kind eyes that made her feel instantly safe.

Please don't try so hard to say good-bye I don't mind spendin' everyday, out on your corner in the pourin' rain Please don't try so hard to say good-bye

They didn’t notice when the song was over, completely lost in each other, Drake was about to tell her something when Max interrupted them to take Alexis to the bar for a shot drinking competition.

Drake let her go reluctantly, he could’ve stayed on the dancefloor for hours just holding her. He went to the bar as well and saw Liam talking and flirting with her. Maybe it was the whiskey, but just looking at them was making him feel nauseous. And even if he knew he didn’t stand a chance, not if Liam was really interested, he couldn’t help himself, he was drawn to her.

Liam arched his eyebrows seeing his usually brooding friend come to the noisiest corner of the club, where the bartenders were offering free Jello shots.

He hadn’t taken his eyes off of Drake and Alexis while they were dancing. Just a few minutes ago, they appeared to really dislike each other but while they danced, they both seemed…smitten. It was out of character for Drake to be so captivated by someone. He was used to seeing his best friend taking off with a different woman every night but never acting like that. It was a pity because he really liked Alexis too.

He turned his head to watch her and saw her eyes looking for Drake’s. He shook his head; it was clear that she was captivated by his best friend too and he had no interest in a twisted love triangle. He smiled to himself, the cute blonde in the bar had been flirting with him, maybe he should give her a chance. He checked his phone before talking to her and saw a message from his father, he was going to have to cut the night short.

“Drake! I need to go home earlier, Father wants to speak to me about something tomorrow morning, and I better be rested. Could you take Alexis home?”

“Of course, I mean if you don’t mind” He turned to Alexis.

She smiled at him and was about to answer when Maxwell spoke for her “Don’t worry about it, Lexie. I can take you”

Drake and Alexis’s locked eyes with each other, she bit her bottom lip trying to find an excuse.

Fuck, those lips are going to kill me. Drake cleared his throat. “It’s ok, Max. I don’t mind”

“Well, we’re neighbors so it’s really not a prob-. Auch!” Maxwell grabbed his right arm, where Alexis had discretely pinched him.

She gave him an innocent smile “Are you okay, Max?”

“Uhm, yes, but I remembered that I can’t take Lexie home because… because I have, uh, something to do”

“That’s settled then,” Liam said good-bye to everyone and left, after a moment Maxwell went back to the dancefloor, leaving Alexis and Drake alone.

Drake turned to her “Do you want to stay here?”

“What do you have in mind?”

He locked eyes with her as he tugged a strand of hair behind her ear “Do you trust me?”

Inexplicably, after only a few hours of meeting him, she did “Yes, I do”

He smiled. Normally, he would ask her if she wanted to go back to his place, but there was something special about her. For the first time in his life, he wanted to take his time first. And he knew exactly where he wanted to take her.

They got into his jeep, and debated about movies, music, and tv shows while he drove.

After an hour of driving and laughing they arrived at the beach. Drake’s favorite spot.

He took a blanket that he kept on the trunk of his car and extended it on the sand, remembering that he had bought a bottle of whiskey the day before, he put it on the blanket so they could share it.

“It’s a beautiful beach” She took a sip from the whiskey feeling the warm sensation burn her throat.

“It’s more beautiful if you lie down” He nodded at the sky. It was full of stars.

“Fuck! That’s gorgeous”

He grinned “I told you”

“I need to take a picture of this” She took an old camera from her purse and took a picture of the sky, then she turned the camera to them.

“Smile, Drake, I mean if you know how” She stuck her tongue out.

He chuckled shaking his head, he was loving the way she teased him. She took two or three pictures of them and put the camera away.

“Do you come here often?”.

“I do, whenever I can. It’s calm, quiet and far away from everything”

She smiled “I have a similar spot close to home. We live on the other side of the shore. And there’s this little cove, next to the house. I go there when I want to escape”

He frowned “Escape what?”

She shrugged “My father, my stepmom. My life”

He took her arm and rubbed it with the tip of his fingers “Why, Lexie?”

“My family is very strict, very religious. My father would kill me if he knew I’m here. He thinks I’m with a friend”

“I’m sorry”

She shook her head but didn’t answer anything else.

They stargazed for a few minutes, their silence only interrupted by Drake showing her a star or teaching her the name of a constellation. Alexis was fascinated.

“How do you know all this?”

“My father was a bodyguard, but he loved nature and was an amateur astronomer. He learned by himself and taught me everything he could”

“He was?”

There was a short silence.  “He died when I was twelve”

She took his hand and squeezed it. He smiled feeling strangely comforted.

Drake turned to look at her “You have a stepmom”

“My mom passed when I was ten. I had to go live with my father and his new wife in New Jersey, in America. We moved to Cordonia five years ago because he got job here in an American company” She paused “I miss her”

He cupped her face with his hand and gently turned her to him. “I’m sorry, Lexie”

She shrugged “It’s okay, I’m used to it” He looked at her mesmerized. Under the light of the stars, her skin was almost glowing, and her eyes seemed intensely bright.

He was still cupping her face so he left his thumb softly brush her lips, the air rapidly becoming heavy between them. She closed her eyes enjoying the touch of his fingers on her mouth. She had never felt such an intense desire to be kissed before, he made her excited and incredibly aflutter. Drake pulled himself up and leaned towards her, inhaling her delicious cherry scent.

He growled “Fuck, I’m dying to kiss you Lexie”

She managed to mutter “Me too, Drake”

As much as he was dying to ravage her lips, he sensed her nervousness, so he peppered her face with soft kisses first. He kissed her cheeks, her nose and the corners of her lips, as he stroked her neck with his thumbs, and she put her arms around his own neck.  It was soft and deeply tender, but also extremely charged and Alexis felt a warmth sensation pooling between her legs. Finally, he moved to her full lips, and kissed her pouring all the desire and the passion he was feeling. He crashed his mouth with hers again and again softly biting her lips, and letting his tongue explore hers. Alexis had never been kissed like that before. With such passion and tenderness mixed in the same kiss. She knew right there that she wanted to spend the rest of her life being kissed like that. Drake had never felt a kiss so intensely before either, he had never felt his heart beating hard as he kissed someone. He wanted to spend his life kissing her.

Finally, the need for air became urgent so they parted panting. Drake smiled seeing her pink lips swollen and the blush coloring her cheeks.

She looked at her phone “Shit! I have to go back to my house now or my dad is going to kill me”

“Don’t worry, Lexie, I’ll drive you fast enough” He stood up and help her to stand up too, pulling her against him. He kissed her forehead “When can I see you again?”

She bit her lip grinning “If you manage to take me to my house in less than twenty minutes, I’ll put my phone number in your phone”

He smirked “Deal”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2019  (NOW)

Alexis chose a red dress and nude heels for her engagement party. The last few weeks had been hectic at work and she hadn’t had time to shop for a new outfit, but it didn’t matter, Liam loved that dress. It was tight, mid-length and left her shoulders bare, perfect for the party.

She finished dressing and placed in her neck a few drops of the same perfume she had been wearing since high school, the same Drake loved. The cherry scented one. It didn’t matter how many times Liam teased her about it, or how many expensive bottles of French perfume he gave her, she couldn’t bear the thought of smelling like anything else.

“Hi, love” Liam’s voice startled her. She had given him her key three months ago and was still getting used to his presence in her apartment

“Hi, Li” She turned to him as she put a pair of golden hoops on her ears.

He smiled at her “You look gorgeous” He rubbed her cheek with the back of his hand before kissing her “Are you ready, darling?”

“Yes, let me just grab my purse”

They had chosen to host their engagement party in a cozy but exclusive Italian restaurant. Their wedding was going to be similar, elegant yet small with only their closest friends. It wasn’t the first wedding for either of them, so they preferred to keep it simple.

They arrived with a slight retard, Liam knew his fiancé had trouble being on time, he shook his head trying to forget about old times, about someone else teasing her incessantly about it.

Everyone was already there. Liam squeezed Alexis’s hand knowing that she would be feeling anxious, she gave him a grateful smile in return and gripped his hand.

“Alexis, darling, you look stunning” Olivia smiled “A glass of champagne?”

“You too, Liv, Red is definitely our color” They both laughed “And Yes some champagne would be nice”

Liam looked at her with a concerned expression on his face “Are you sure you want to drink today, love?”

Alexis glared at him “Yes, I’m sure. Please pour me a glass, Liv. If you’ll excuse me, I need some fresh air. I’ll be back in a minute”

“Why are you offering her a drink, Olivia?” Liam’s voice had the cold tone he used when he was angry.

“I don’t see the fucking problem, Liam. She’s doing so much better, and I’ve seen her drink wine with you plenty of times” She looked at him questioningly “Didn’t you went to visit the vineyards near Bordeaux together?”

“That’s not the point, Olivia. Her anxiety peaks in events like this. And you know that around this time of the year it always gets worse” He looked to one of the balconies of the restaurant where Alexis was standing. He smiled thinking how beautiful she was and how much he loved her and wanted to protect her.

“Li, if you’re going to marry her, you’ll have to learn how to trust her. If you continue to coddle her like this, you’ll both get tired very fast. She’s a strong woman, she has been through hell since he died, but she needs to find herself again”

“I just don’t want her to relapse” Liam sighed

“So, stop smothering her”

Liam gave her a surprised look “Well, Jin has really changed you, Olivia Nevrakis. Thank you” He smiled at her mockingly “Now, I know who to ask when I need some romantic advice”

“Don’t you dare, Rhys”

Alexis needed a moment alone. Everything was happening so fast that sometimes she had trouble dealing with it. She looked at her diamond ring. It was beautiful, elegant and expensive but non-ostentatious. Much like Liam himself.  However, no matter how perfect the ring was, she would always prefer the simple ring Drake had given her ten years ago. The one she had lost. She took a deep breath and tried to think of something else. She couldn’t go back to those memories.  

Liam walked to the balcony where his fiancé was standing.  “My love, it’s our engagement party. I want you to have anything you want” he encircled her waist and placed a kiss on her bare shoulder “you deserve the world and I want to give it to you”

She smiled “I know you get worried about me, and I understand, I do, but please don’t try to control me. You don’t need to. I’m doing better” She turned around to face him “I promise”

“I believe you, my darling” He caressed her face “I love you, Alexis. You mean the world to me”

She smiled at him, at the man she owed everything to “I love you too, Liam”

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[imaginedisish]

Let It Be (Crowley x Reader) Good Omens

A/N: OOOOHHH MY GOD HEY GUYS SO IM OFFICIALLY BACK!!!! I’m a little bit rusty, so this first imagine is probably going to be a little bad. BUT!!! IM BACK. OMFG IM SO HAPPY AHHHH!!! So this imagine is half based on a request about Crowley and the reader starting out as friends, and then beginning to date, and half just something I needed to write. Life has been hard, but writing this helped. The title, and some parts of the imagine are based on Let It Be by The Beatles. I hope you guys enjoy!!! Keep requesting!!! AHHH!!! IM SO EXCITED TO BE BACK YOU HAVE NO IDEA. ENJOY! (P.s I will write for our ineffable husbands...pls just request)

Summary: Crowley comforts the reader after the reader receives devastating news. Crowley takes the opportunity to reveal a secret he’s been keeping for a long time. (College au)

Warnings: Language, depressive thoughts, depression, mental breakdown, some angst, overall sadness, mentioned and implied death of loved one(s). OH AND FLUFF AS ALWAYS ITS FLUFFY DONT WORRY.

Word Count: 1,964

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

You anxiously shuffle around your apartment as Let It Be by the Beatles plays from the record player in your dining room. The wood floors underneath your feet are cold and unwelcoming; a sharp chill rolls down your spine. The city lights glare through your window as the sound from the streets below boom throughout your apartment. Tears begin to fill your eyes, making everything around you a blurry mess. At this point, it had all become far too much for you to handle. 

This year had been a terrible one. You felt as though you were consistently losing everyone around you. It lead you to question whether or not anything had a purpose anymore. Everything had been out of your control for so long, that it seemed as though things could never go back to normal. You were waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel, but it was nowhere to be seen. 

The final straw, unfortunately, was the passing of your aunt. The worst part of it all was how far you were from your family. You were a junior attending NYU, and the semester was about to end. All you had to do was take finals, and you were free for the summer. Then, suddenly, your mother called you with the news. You felt numb, useless, and purposeless. Life seemed so dark, so short, so impossible. 

What am I supposed to do now? You think to yourself. What’s the point of all this? You begin to sob uncontrollably. You know your neighbors can hear you through your walls, but you don’t care anymore. It was all too much for you to deal with. 

Suddenly, you hear a familiar voice, dragging you away from your dark thoughts. “Hello? (Y/N)?”, the voice calls, followed by a knock at the door. You stand up, trembling as you walk towards the door. 

“Crowley? I-Is that y-you?” You stutter, sniffling as you try your best to be loud enough to be heard through the door. You wanted it to be him with everything in you. Crowley had been there for you since the beginning of college. Through thick and thin, he stood by your side. 

You two had met in Central Park in September of your freshman year, and coincidentally realized you both were students at NYU. Something drew you together, and you two had been close ever since. Aside from your tastes in music, you and Crowley were polar opposites. He was tough, and had a sort of “bad boy” exterior. You on the other hand, were soft and kind. You were an English Major, and Crowley was a Chem Major. You were like an angel, and he was much more like a demon. In many ways, you two balanced each other out. 

What Crowley was completely unaware of, however, were your feelings for him. Practically from the day you met him, you knew Crowley was going to be an important part of your life. 

You knew you were going to fall in love with him. 

“Yes, of course it’s me. Now let me in,” Crowley commands. Without hesitating, you swing the door open. 

There was Crowley, his red hair spiked up, his black, circular sunglasses resting on the bridge of his nose. 

Crowley removes his sunglasses from his face, something he rarely did. He looks you up and down, quickly recognizing that something was wrong. He noticed the red blotchiness of your face, and how tangled your hair was.

He looks down at your hands, which are shaking uncontrollably at your side. A concerned look appears on Crowley’s face. He steps inside quickly, and slams the door behind him. 

You instantaneously feel his arms wrap around your body, pulling you tightly into his chest. “I don’t know what happened, love, but I’m here,” Crowley whispers in your ear, shocking you a bit. He was normally much tougher than this. Seeing this side of him was different. It was far from the Crowley you had come to know. 

“Whatever you need, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” Crowley says as you grip onto his shoulders, and dig your face into his chest. 

You two stay like that for a bit, until you calm down enough to separate from him. Crowley brings a hand to your face, softly wiping away your tears with his thumb. You sniffle softly, waiting for Crowley to ask for more information. 

He opens his mouth. “So, do I get to know what happened?” There it was, the question you were dreading. 

“M-my…” You trail off, unable to finish your sentence. Crowley grabs your hands, holding them in his own. 

“You can tell me, love. I’m here,” His yellow eyes meet yours as they beg for some sort of a response. It’s clear his intensions are good. It’s clear all he wants to do is help. This was so out of character for Crowley. He was never like this. 

“My aunt died, C-Crowley,” You struggle to say as your stare travels from Crowley’s eyes to the floor below you. 

You can feel Crowley’s grip on your hands grow tighter. “I’m so sorry love,” Crowley says, stepping closer to you. “What do you want me to do?” He asks, his hands refusing to let go of yours. 

“J-just stay with me, please,” You whisper.

“Of course, (Y/N),” Crowley says, pulling you back into his arms. You press your face against his chest as his cologne fills the air around you. He smells like vanilla and cigarettes. The two scents somehow balance each other out. “Is there anything else I can do to help?” He asks. 

“N-nothing, Crowley. There isn’t anything anyone can do,” You manage to say. “Honestly I don’t even know what to do anymore,” You pause, catching your breath. “School is so fucking hard. I really don’t think I can do this anymore. It feels like absolute hell. I keep losing people, and I’m so sick of it. I can’t fucking do this anymore. I mean it.” 

Crowley lets go of your hands. “Well, you aren’t going to lose me.” He steps even closer now, his nose just inches away from your face. “And you can count on that, alright?” 

You’re taken back by his words yet again. Crowley wasn’t one for emotions like this.

Regardless, you nod your head in response. “Alright.”  More than anything else at this point, you feel confused. Crowley has never acted like this before. It was a side of him you had never seen. Of course, over the years, he had obviously helped you through things. However, it was never like this. It was usually tough love, or advice; never the “mushy” stuff. 

He walks further into your apartment now, finding his way to the kitchen. He opens your fridge, and takes out a dark, red apple. He opens one of your drawers and finds a knife, and he proceeds to cut the apple up. 

You look at him, confusion clearly written all over your face. “What? You need eat something. Go sit down while I get this ready. I’ll make you some tea too,” Crowley says softly. 

You’re even more confused than before. “This just…” You don’t even know what to say anymore. “This isn’t like you, Crowley,” You say, a slight smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. 

“What do you mean, love?” Crowley asks, busy at work in the kitchen. “Am I not allowed to take care of you?” 

Your smile grows bigger. “No, it’s just not like you to be…well…”

Crowley finishes your sentence. “Caring? Loving?” He giggles a bit. “Well, it’s you, so it’s different.”

Different? You think to yourself. 

“What about me is different?” You can’t help but ask, making your way into the kitchen now. 

“Everything,” Crowley says, his eyes stuck on the apple he was cutting. “That was actually the reason why I came by, tonight (Y/N). There’s something I need to tell you.” Your heart jumps into your throat. Crowley had never been this vulnerable with you. 

Your mind is racing with thoughts. Could this actually be happening right now? Could Crowley actually have…no, no way. Crowley will never feel for me the way I feel about him, You think.  

“What do you need to tell me?” You ask, stepping closer to Crowley. He puts the knife down, and takes a deep breath. He seems stressed, uneasy. 

“Never mind. Now isn’t the right time. You’re going through so much right now, and I really don’t want to add more stress unto you,” Crowley says, shaking his head and picking up the knife again. 

You take another step towards him. “You could never add more stress to me, Crowley. So, tell me what’s on your mind.” 

Crowley puts the knife down a second time, and closes his eyes. “I, well…you see I…” he trails off, opening his eyes, staring deeply into your own. “I don’t know how to say this.”

“Just say it, Crowley.” 

“I’m not good with all this ‘feelings’ bullshit. I’ve already done far more emotionally in the past five minutes than I have in my entire life. Can’t I just get a free pass? Save this whole speech for another day?” Crowley groans, stepping away from the counter. 

“Speech?” You ask. “What speech?”

“Nothing,” Crowley says, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“Oh come on. Just tell me Crowley!” You beg. 

Crowley says nothing. 

“Say it already. How hard can it be to-,”

“I’m in love with you,” Crowley blurts out. 

“I-,I…” You’re at a loss for words. You had been waiting for Crowley to say that for three years, and you were convinced it was never going to happen. 

“I knew I was going to fall in love with you that day in the park,” Crowley says, his yellow, golden eyes searching yours frantically. He brings a hand up to comb through his red hair. “Every day from there on out was better because of you.” He pauses, collecting his thoughts. “I know you don’t feel the same, but I just had to get this out of my system. I love you, (Y/N), and I have for quite some time. I just couldn’t keep ignoring it. I couldn’t just let it be anymore.” 

“Crowley, I-,”

“I’ll go now. I’m so terribly sorry for this,” Crowley says, making his way towards the door. 

“Crowley wait!” You say, following after him. “I love you too,” He stops in his tracks, and whips around to face you. 

“Y-you love me too?” Crowley asks in disbelief. 

“Yes, of course I do, Crowley.” You say. “I’ve loved you from the very beginning.” He stares at you, dumbfounded. 

“Are you serious right now?” He asks. 

You roll your eyes. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He takes a few steps closer to you.  

He cups your right cheek with his hand. “Then I’m sorry I’ve waited so long to do this,” Crowley says. Suddenly, his lips come crashing down on yours. 

His lips are soft and warm. The moment fills you with the sense of purpose you once thought was lost. 

Crowley pulls his lips apart from yours. 

“Better late than never,” You say, a smile spreading across your face. 

And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

[mothmansfriend]

when i’m happy oh god i’m happy

TW: alcohol abuse, non-graphic sexual content, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm (in many forms), drug use, couchsurfing, mentions of delusions and paranoia, otherwise reckless behaviour

Note: this takes place in @illogicallyinclined’s hockey au and is a Prequel this is supposed to represent what Remus’s manic episodes look like everyone is different, but im using a mix of my own experiences with bipolar i and some friends who were willing to talk about theirs, then changing it to fit Remus’s existing Absolutely Feral personality, Jared and Payton are OC’s and teammates of Remus, the three of them are known for wrecking havoc at all times because none of them possess a braincell.

The art studio was empty, filled only by the assorted music of Remus’s sculpting playlist on the bluetooth speaker he brought in, and Remus himself. His hands glide through the wet clay and he basks in the slimy feeling between his fingers. Remus’s hair is held back by a small headband and he is wearing a tank top and jogging pants already covered in various mediums he has used through the day. He does not know where the energy to finish every project for this semester came from but he isn’t about to object.

If you were to look around this studio, there is a high contrast painting of a tentacle creature that is unsettling in an almost unidentifiable way, half of a self-portrait which uses resin teeth as the main element, as well as his current project of a large cup shaped like a decapitated head. In short, while Remus believes these are his best pieces, the chances of the university permitting them to be displayed are very low.

Remus gets frustrated that the music didn’t seem to be filling his inspiration in the way he hoped he changes the song revealing it to be approximately 4am, and no texts received since he sent D a picture if the teeth pile around 10pm.

—

“Can you go wake Remus up and ask if he wants any breakfast, he really shouldn’t sleep in this late, even if it is Saturday” D asks from the stove while Roman grabs his carton of milk from the fridge and doesn’t bother grabbing a cup.

D grimaces at him as he chugs back the milk, once again thankful that they have separate ones (even if that is at fault of Remus deciding to mix apple juice with milk in the carton without alerting anyone else in the household). “He actually headed out like, real early this morning, I spoke to him when I got up for a shower at like six. He said he’d be back today though?” Roman replied ignoring D’s look.

“Well, that’s even weirder. I’ll make extras so he can eat when he gets back, it's already eleven.”

“Sounds good,” Roman noticing D’s almost done slides a few plates next to him and accepts D’s soft ‘thanks’.

Suddenly they hear someone miss the keyhole three times before getting it and entering. Unsurprisingly, it’s Remus inappropriately dressed for a casual outing, surprisingly he seems to be holding several bags full of merchandise. “Helloo roommates! Look what I bought!” Remus shouts, slamming the door with his foot and bringing his bags to the couch.

“Are those... cups?” D asks turning off the stovetop to curiously check out Remus’s merch load.

“Hell yeah they are! I figured since you-” He pokes at D, “Took away all our glass cups after me and Roman went to that last party, I would take it upon myself to replace them. Look!” Remus proudly pulls the ugliest Jar Jar Binks cup out of one of the bags.

Roman visibly recoils as his brother parades the worst cup he’s ever seen around their apartment. D rolls his eyes but collects the cup and hesitantly places it into the dishwasher. “Thank you, Remus, these cups are horrid but they’re functional, which, I guess is good enough. Though, how much did these cost?”

“No idea, probably around sixty bucks total though, maybe. I went to three different thrift stores. Look at this one!” Remus holds up a vaguely terrifying cup that seems like it may have once resembled Spongebob Squarepants to Roman.

“That’s… Great, Remus, thanks” Roman says taking the offered item.

—

The three make it to practice 20 minutes early because Roman likes to prove he’s dedicated and a good captain. Coach Thomas and Joan greet them and Thomas talks to Roman briefly as Joan finishes setting things up. D and Remus do some stretches as others begin to show up, D comments on Remus being shaky and Remus hops around quickly explaining that he just woke up with a lot of energy for some reason.

Coach Thomas reminds Remus to take his time during practices speeding through everything doesn’t work if he keeps messing up before he even makes it halfway through.

—

D is going to kill Remus tomorrow morning. The repetitive sound of the bedframe slamming against their shared wall, and Remus wailing like a cat in heat at 1am is not something he wants to deal with right now. It’s a Tuesday night and D knows Remus has a class at 11am, one that D will not let him skip because he decided getting laid was more important. How does Remus even get a man to willingly enter that nightmare of a room? D rummages through his bedside table for ear plugs and regrets giving Roman the far room so easily.

—

“Jesus- Hello? Do you know what time it is?” The tired voice answers the phone after the third time of going to voicemail.

“Of course I don’t, Jared, I’m not a fucking nerd! I just thought I might extend my offer of filling the fountain in the middle of campus with bubble bath and a swim to you and Payton! D already said if I woke him up he would cut my dick off and feed it to his snake,” Remus audibly pouted at the end of his sentence.

Despite it being three am, it didn’t take a lot for Jared to wake up Payton and agree to meet him just off campus to run to the 24/7 convenience store for soap for the fountain. Remus leads the group in talking a mile a minute about something that Jared and Payton actually missed out on entirely. They try to contribute but realize Remus doesn’t notice when they have their own conversation anyways. They listen to him vaguely flit through topic after topic and get lost and confused in his own sentences, and once the soap is collected, they head to the large fountain in the middle of campus.

The fifth bottle of soap has been discarded and the fountain is sufficiently bubbly by the time the three hockey players strip to their boxers and begin their bath. There are attempted drownings, bubble beards, and the fountain change being thrown around.

At some point Remus stops talking for a second, observing the lithium bulbs through the fountain streams and bubbles floating across the courtyard. For a moment, he thinks he’s never been this happy in his life, these last few days have been the best days of his life. He lets Jared and Payton know this and like stare at him for a moment before teasing him about going soft and a few “I love you, bro” “Dude, you mean so much to me” and such were exchanged. They leave moments before campus security’s due to do their rounds in the early morning and laugh when about an hour later they receive a campus-wide notification to avoid the courtyard for repairs.

—

Remus spends most of practice being more annoying than usual. He gets a bit more of a stern talking to than he has in a while, in response says that he’ll try to do better to prepare for the game this weekend.

—

He did not succeed and got an even sterner talking to by Coach Thomas and Joan, and then by Roman separately.

—

Remus has a brief moment of clarity regarding his spending habits from the last week and a half in the middle of his current project. His solution is instead of buying the club size container of hot sauce, he makes a trip to the Taco Bell off campus. After dropping off the rest of his goods at the apartment, it was pretty late in the evening and he was dressed in nothing but neon green basketball shorts, slides, and a pretty badly stained grey tank top. Thankfully, Florida weather permitted this, though the looks he had been receiving all day disagreed. It likely did not help that if prompted, Remus wasn’t 100% on the last time that he slept, but if he had to guess it was two or three days ago, but that was probably a maximum of five hours. Surprisingly, he had never felt so good in his life. He’s also pretty sure he’s said that a lot this week.

He leaves Taco Bell with a small meal bag full of hot sauce at no cost.

—

D doesn’t ask any questions when he uses the bathroom in the early morning and is met with the sight of Remus in the bathtub. He is covered in a large variety of substances. The floor is covered in Taco Bell hot sauce wrappers, there’s a box full of water balloons of various colours and sizes. Remus waves with his available hand before he resumes filling the current water balloon with what may be a bulk container of banana lube. D pisses, not bothering to ask Remus to leave and just pulls the shower curtain over a little before washing his hands and deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

The next day, D woke up around 10am to a few texts saying some prick is throwing weird water balloons at first years off this academic building on campus. D didn’t think much about it until he was leaving his 12:30 lecture walking past splatters of mayo, egg, egg shells, hot sauce, and more, all separately. While observing the damage he found Remus asleep on some grass outside said academic building and had to call Logan for help to get him home. The two are used to this by now and D reminds himself to tell Remus to clear his ‘great ideas’ with someone containing a braincell.

—

Remus spends a good majority of his day listening to one song in the living room of the shared apartment. He was there when D left for classes, he was there when Roman left a little later in the day, failing to go to his own classes at all that day. The second D returns for lunch Remus is trying to explain a hidden meaning in the song, D brushes it off and reminds Remus, that to pass his classes he has to at least go.

—

This is Remus’s third night out in an area of town he really doesn’t know. He went home yesterday for early practice before coming back out. He knows it didn’t go well.

In attempts to make himself feel better, he blew a guy who’s name he already forgot but was hot as hell, he lost count of the shots he’s done, but at least there’s no practice tomorrow. He doesn’t have to worry about when he goes home, doesn’t have to worry about Roman or D and their weird concerned looks. He’s doing great! Why are they concerned, they just don’t get it.

At 2 am everyone gets kicked out of the club. Remus walks six blocks with his new friends with the promise of couch space to crash on and additional alcohol.

It’s suddenly 4:47 am and Remus is the only one awake and all the booze is gone. He is sitting under lithium streetlights smoking a cigarette on the porch of a strangers house with the humid Florida wind enables him to sit comfortably without a jacket. There is a moment, with sirens in the distance that Remus lets his eyes go out of focus. For the first time in who knows how long, he feels present. There is cracked cement under his feet, a dog barking a few houses down, and he wonders why he’s even here. The hidden Prince twin, here, in a city he has only been to once for a tournament, in a stranger’s house, drunk off his ass, his phone dead. He takes time to wonder, is this fun to him? It has to be right? Why did he just leave without telling anyone? Spending nights on the streets, or finding someone to go home with just so he didn’t have to find somewhere else to sleep. Is this who he is now?

He doesn’t know if he can answer that. Remus shakes himself before putting out his cigarette on his arm and deciding it doesn’t matter.

He still doesn’t sleep that night, but plugs in his phone and decides he needs to go home soon.

—

This is a different club than the previous night, someone sold Remus a few pills earlier and he figured why not? He feels better than ever. He lets the man he’s making out with know that and he lets out a kind of raspy laugh that Remus thinks is the hottest thing. He lets the other man know that too before sticking his tongue down his throat.

—

Remus is in the park yelling. It is almost 6pm, he pauses for a moment, completely forgetting what he was yelling about. He realizes that he is pretty drunk. Remus would normally like to say he only drinks with an excuse, but he doesn’t remember why he’s drunk, or how he got to the park. This isn’t near campus, he doesn’t recognize this park at all. He just stops yelling and googles the next bus to take him home.

—

Upon arriving home and greeting D, Remus falls asleep in his room for almost 12 hours to make up for the missing sleep from the last four days. When he is woken up for food and offered tylenol for his hangover, he tries to tell them he doesn’t have one. They don’t believe him, but he takes the food. Remus makes a joke recalling how the other day all he had eaten was some stale croutons he found in a pantry and half a bottle of Fireball he found in the fridge nearby. The joke did not land, but he was too busy laughing about it to notice.

The three eat their Sunday lunch with small amounts of banter and D switching between who he agrees with based on who’s statement didn’t sound like it came from a six year old. As they clean up, Remus starts excitedly talking about something that’s topic changed around four times in one sentence. Roman feigns interest but got lost and doesn’t care enough; D listens and has to ask Remus to repeat things slower every few minutes.

—

Several times throughout the night, D hears Remus loudly leave his room to check the front door. In the early morning D doesn’t hear Remus return to his room, but faintly hears netflix turn on in the living room.

In the morning, Remus seems wary of the door but does not say anything.

—

One day while messing around in the kitchen Remus is struck with the need to just go. The urge is so strong that the more he stands still in the kitchen the more his body just begins to tremble with barely contained energy. He doesn’t quite know where he’s going yet, but as he grabs his wallet, double checking he has his bus pass and ID, a jacket, his phone, and his keys. Without telling anyone, he walks to the main exchange near campus where he hops on the first bus that arrives. The bus isn’t particularly busy, and it makes it easier for him as he settles into the back of the bus bopping to his music, but not having the focus to listen to a song all the way through. He hits his hands softly on the very 90’s looking patterned seats to the beat of the song, watching out the windows with both legs bouncing. He rides this bus to the end of the line and catches the next bus to arrive at that bus exchange that takes him into a new smaller city. The sun is beginning to set and he finds a pub to grab some food and a few drinks at.

An hour and a half and four drinks later Remus is fighting some asshole in the pub and they both get kicked out. He wanders these smaller streets buzzed and poking at forming bruises while he smokes a cigarette. He walks by a convenience store and two homeless men outside ask him for a cigarette, he shares and spends a solid amount of time socializing with them and gets some booze for his troubles. They eventually part ways when one of them come out from the bathroom with a pack of stolen cookies. The store attendant chases them away and Remus finds himself wandering down empty streets again. Eventually, Remus decides to sleep for a few hours curled up in a stairwell, he doesn’t quite sleep, but does relax. Again, in the sounds of small city life, yellowed flickering light bulbs, and humid wind, Remus wonders why he’s out here.

—

The flashing neon lights and bass heavy music resonate through Remus’s bones like electricity giving him a never ending feedback loop of energy. Just before the club closes Remus sweet-talks a kind of nerdy looking guy into taking him home, while he’s mostly just hoping to not sleep outside tonight, getting laid wont hurt either.

—

Sneaking out of someone’s house before they wake up isn’t something Remus is necessarily proud of, but he doesn’t want to risk them doing something cheesy like make him breakfast. Sorry sir, Remus is a Manic Pixie Nightmare Boy, do not catch feelings, do not use for your own character development. He laughs to himself a little walking down the morning rush streets.

—

After waking up in bed with a man he doesn’t remember meeting the night before is a little jarring, but this is not the first time. It makes him wonder briefly if something is wrong with him. Remus is tired. Exhausted with himself and getting a little tired of this much fun. Instead of finding a diner for breakfast he catches a bus home and asks Logan if they can hang out tomorrow. If anyone will force him to go home, go to practice, sleep and not give him a choice to study or not without expecting him to explain himself. It will be everyone’s favourite Large Nerd. Remus doesn’t know what’s happening or why he feels like this, but he needs to go home and stop this for a little bit.Virgil, D, and Logan will help him get things a little back on track.

[teampandawang]

After This Long Time | Part II

By: Aria

Pairing: JB X Reader

Genre: Smut

Description: How long does it take to figure out how much you wanted something? Or to be precise, you wanted someone? The years have set apart JB and y/n, but their friendship stayed alive despite the secret they kept from each other… Even though, they were hiding that secret even from themselves. It was difficult to recognize how much did they care for each other, and how much did they want each other.

‘No, please don’t.’ You said for yourself removing the tangled sheet off your sweaty body. Your face expressed the frustration in its highest level and your head announced how you misbehaved last night. OMG, how much did it pass since you didn’t feel a hangover like that?

The sun going through the window was melting your swollen eyes. So, yes… You cried last night too and who knows why. Definitely, drinking was something that makes you completely blackout. But it wasn’t the problem. You knew you always do stupid things, embarrassing things.

You tried to stand up but the world turned around as soon as you stepped out of the bed. Your head rolling of the dizziness and your feet aching of the hours spend dancing. And your stomach wasn’t the exception. It wanted to has its own appearance and announced its main show with hella nauseous. 

Fortunately, the room where you slept (that you were a little grateful it wasn’t JB’s one) has a bathroom so you just ran into it accidentally kicking the door and doing a noisy sound that woke up him.

On the other hand, Jaebum couldn’t sleep well at all. The alcohol in his system made him do weird things too. But after your midnight show, he practically recovered his sobriety. But the thoughts and feelings attacked him after you came back home. 

‘Did she really mean it?’ A voice whispered in his head. But the sudden thunder made him notice that you were asleep and probably suffering what he was used to deal with when you partied as teenagers.

He didn't hesitate to get into your room and burst you in the bathroom when you laid weak. He squatted grabbing your hair with care and palming softly your back. 

You felt incredibly embarrassed about having him watching you like this. You were a woman now, a grown woman, but you knew your actions the last night was childish and ridiculous. The feeling heated your face and your cheeks shinned in bright red. You thanked God he couldn’t see you ‘cause you didn’t want things to get worst.

You regain your composure after the relief. You sat down refusing to face him after all. 

“So you’re the same girl.” Jaebum said teasingly tapping again your back with a smirk on his lips. That fucking smirk.

You felt again a warm climbing up your face, but this time wasn’t because of the shyness, it was for anger. Did he really dare to treat you like that? You were fighting with your inner self for being enough last night and now he’s just joking around about what happened.

“Shut the fuck up, Im Jaebum.” You said annoyed. The killer gaze was placed in your eyes and attacking him.

“Hey! Take it easy, Y/N.” He added trying to cool down the things and offering you a hand to help you to stand up. You took it, but immediately closed the door pushing him outside to your bedroom.

“Y/N…” He knocked the door and added after you hummed. “I will cook breakfast. I’ll wait for you in the kitchen… I- we, we have to talk.”

He scratched his neck nervous waiting for an answer. But the only thing that you left was an eternal silence that was ripping his nerves. You were destroying him with uncertainty.

The cold water on your face made you felt better, refreshed. You brushed your teeth desperate thinking about what Jaebum wanted to tell you. But you were pretty sure about how was going to be the chat about. And it certainly sped up your heartbeat, like it was going to explode.

Now, you got a couple of minutes thinking about what you were going to say: ‘I was too drunk to think.’ ‘I can’t remember anything.’ ‘Maybe I was taken by the vibe.’ No, nothing was enough… All those excuses sounded fake, and in a certain point, they were cringey for an adult woman.

A confidence boost took you out of the bathroom. You took a deep breath to encourage you even more and stepped without hesitation towards the kitchen. Your gaze was focused on the floor, but your mind told you to stop avoiding your acts and you, as always, obeyed.

“Jae…” You said with your voice cracked and swinging nervously a foot on the floor. He hummed and response. “Can we talk?”

He felt how his skin turned pale. He was dying inside. How was he supposed to act right now? He knew what he did and he was suffering about your reaction. After this long time, he kept doubting if what he feels towards you was mutual. His body was cold, waiting for what you were about to say, but he faced you disguising his worries.

“I’m- I’m sorry.” He said instantly. Your eyes turned into a confused gaze. What was he doing? Wasn’t you the one that had to apologize about going too fast?

“What? Why are you apologizing?” You frowned confused. “Wasn’t I the one who was supposed to say that?”

He shook his eyes open, scratching the back of his neck and letting a nervous giggle go out of his lips. He leaned over the kitchen island and crossed his arms. He was hiding something, but your curiosity was awake and wanting to know what was going on.

You arched an eyebrow and walked slowly to the island, leaning over it just next to him. You crossed your arms to and looked at his eyes daring him.

“What do you have to tell me, Im Jaebum?” You smirked.

I’m sooooo sorry I let you all waiting this long for the second part, but Uni was killing me.

But I’m finishing my semester so I’m kinda free.

Hope you enjoy it!

Aria.

[softyoongiionly]

Fear and Dumplings: Chapter Six

Confronting your fears for a final grade sounds unappealing but, with Yoongi as your partner, things might not be so bad.

Summary: You’re in your final semester at University when your Abnormal Psychology professor assigns you a partnered project surrounding your greatest fears. Lucky for you, your partner just so happens to be a cute boy named Min Yoongi.

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Genre: College Au, Underground Rapper! Yoongi, Soft!!! Yoongi, Fluff!!!, some moderate angst (later), smut (later later),  slow-ish? burn

Word Count: 5.1K

A/N: I’m literally on fire after writing this chapter lol. I hope you like it!😊

Warnings for this Chapter: mentions of fear, anxiety, sadness, some angst aka Jimin is an insecure boy who is unaware that he is literaly heaven on earth, swearing, suggestive situations/concepts, if you squint really hard you can see the beginnings of smut.

Warnings for the Fic: mentions characters confronting their fears, characters in uncomfortable situations, emotional moments between characters, mentions of bad parenting, explicit language throughout the fic, moderate angst, and very explicit smut later in the story.

Chapter 6: Doubt and Shadow Demons

You’re lying on your bed in one of your many baggy t-shirts, smiling like an idiot at your phone. Jimin had sent you screenshots of what he believed to be Yoongi’s twitter. If Jimin wasn’t aiming to be a dancer, you would have suggested a career as a private investigator because,  he could literally find anyone. You hadn’t asked Jimin to go looking for more information on Yoongi but, you’d be lying if you said you weren’t interested. His Twitter was mostly black, no bio and, no location but, the avatar was a picture of Yoongi wearing headphones, his newly blonde hair disheveled as he smiled at the camera. He really had no business being that cute. ‘@agustd93’ was his handle and you furrowed your brows in confusion as you tried to decipher what it could mean.  Yoongi didn’t seem to tweet much, he just retweeted a lot of music equipment accounts however, there were a few scattered tweets here and there that made you laugh.

“Roommates are drunk, again. They can’t hold their alcohol for shit.”

“Update: Drunk Hobi is obsessed with my cheeks and, I swear if he pinches them one more time, I’m going to cut his hands off.”

“Another Update: Joon just started crying after explaining to me that, “we are all just little flowers in the garden of life, trying to find our bees.” What the fuck does that even mean?”

You giggle, shaking your head, your thumb scrolling down to search for more tweets. There were more scattered between retweets of what you assumed to be the latest music equipment as Yoongi quoted some of the them with captions like ‘Dream Studio’ and ‘if only I wasn’t broke.’ You kept scrolling before coming across a tweet that made your stomach flutter.

‘Where? Everywhere.’

Fuck. He tweeted that last night. After you and Yoongi got off the Ferris Wheel, you actually ended up having a pretty decent time. The two of you got dinner at the park and wrote your experiences down in your research journals. Yoongi acted like the conversation on the Ferris Wheel never happened but, he seemed to warm up to you more and more as the night progressed. But still, nothing flirty occurred between the two of you and, Yoongi was very careful not to get too close to you. The whole thing was very confusing, one minute, Yoongi’s admitting that he would kiss you ‘everywhere, if you let him’ and, the next minute he’s treating you like he normally did. This tweet was sent at 11:30 which would have been around the time he got back to his place. Maybe it wasn’t about you, Yoongi seemed to have a habit of being vague and, he easily could have been talking about something else but, none the less, it made your heart skip a beat.

Did you like Yoongi? More importantly, did it matter? You shook your head, trying to rid yourself of your complicated thoughts as you rolled out of bed. Marzipan throws a complaint your way as you walk past her lounging at the end of the mattress. Normally, you would be out at your favorite crepe café gossiping with Jimin over some iced coffee but, Jimin had texted you the night before saying that his showcase rehearsal was running late and he didn’t think he’d get any sleep if he met up with you. You had of course met this with an abundance of understanding as you knew better than anyone how hard Jimin had been working at his showcase routine. So, instead of meeting up with your best friend, you planned on working on your final paper for your International Relations course. You had been working on it all semester and, felt accomplished that for once, you didn’t procrastinate. Green tea was essential for today’s writing session so; you brewed a decent sized pot before, continuing your paper. Marzipan eventually made her way out into your living room, opting to sprawl out on the couch, claiming her space as usual.

After writing for some time, you glance at the clock at the bottom of your laptop and your eyes widen. Shit. You had been writing for 4 hours. How was it possible that much time had passed? You had gotten a lot done, adding an additional 6-7 pages to the giant that was your final paper. Just after leaning back in your chair and stretching your limbs, your phone lights up with a text message.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): I miss the squad tho.

You giggle at the message, your heart warming as you reply.

BROS 4 LYFE: me too tho :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): me 3 tho :/ :/

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): MY BABIES :( i miss u guys.

A hint of sadness plucks at your chest as you read the messages being sent in by your friends. You had made new friends in school and, college had been an overall fun time but, you had to admit that you never stopped missing having all three of your bestfriends in one place. The past four years hadn’t been the same without them and you couldn’t wait til the four of you graduated so, that you could finally have your group back together again. Jungkook had been drafted to play pro ball on a minor league team in your current city and, Taehyung had made the decision earlier in the semester to pursue his masters in art history at the school you and Jimin were currently attending. This meant that in a few short weeks, everything would back to normal for a little while.

BROS 4 LYFE: only a few more weeks my dudes, we got this.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook) stay on that grind squad, college grad hours are about to be open.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): kookie and tae, will you be here for my showcase? It’s two weeks before graduation.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): duh. We wouldn’t miss it for the world Jiminie.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): yea we would never miss a chance to see the world’s shortest ballerina.

Your eyes widen as you laugh, already imagining Jimin igniting in fury when he reads the message. His reply comes before you are able to chime in.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): YAH! IM NOT A BALLERINA!

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): I AM A CONTEMPORARY DANCER.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THE CHAMPION CONTEMPORARY DANCER

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): THREE YEARS RUNNING THANKYOUVERYMUCH

At this point you’re in a full blown laughing fit, shaking your head as your fiery best friend pops off in the chat.

BROS 4 LYFE:  go best friend, that’s my best friend.

BROS 4 LYFE (Taehyung): let the record show that Kookie bought 12 of the limited edition Jimin shirts that your school sold after he won the championships.

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN’T TELL

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): >:)

BROS 4 LYFE (Jimin): love u kookie

BROS 4 LYFE (Jungkook): …love u too…

The responses eventually dwindle down and, you decide to hop in the shower to tend to the mop of hair that was growing slightly greasy on your head. Afterwards, you throw on a cozy sweatshirt and your favorite pair of fuzzy pajama shorts and, settle on the couch to watch some Netflix. You hadn’t had a night in to yourself in a long time and, it felt amazing to be able to sit around and, do nothing.  Marzipan made her way up your body before, snuggling up in the free space between you and the edge of the couch. As your fingers absentmindedly stroke her fur, you feel your lids becoming heavier and heavier and, finally, you drift off into a much needed nap.

Needless to say, the nap turned into you passing out around 7:30 and, sleeping through the night until, finally, you awake to the ethereal sound of the never-ending city construction. You grumble as you pull the covers over your head to drown out the noise causing Marzipan, who clearly hadn’t left her spot all night, to flee from the couch.  Checking your phone, you noticed a few messages from your group-chat and a snapchat or two from some of your other friends. After responding to the majority of your missed messages, you drag yourself off of the couch and into the kitchen to make some coffee. The microwave displayed the current time: 7:45am; an unholy time to be awake on a Saturday morning. The coffee was finishing up before a loud knock at your door caused you to jump out of your skin. Who the hell was at your house at 7:45 in the morning? You gingerly made your way to the door, hoping that it was just someone from maintenance. Opening the door, you nearly scream as a tuft of pink hair practically collapses into your arms. It was Jimin and, he was crying.

“Jimin, babe, what’s wrong?” You hold him to you, your eyes wide with concern as you usher him into your apartment.

“I can’t do it y/n, I can’t do anything right.” He cries into your t-shirt, his hands clutching you as if you’re about to slip away.

You rub his back, maneuvering you both onto your couch, Jimin clinging to you all the while.

“Hey, hey, that’s not true at all.” You murmur soothingly. “Jimin, what brought this on? Did something happen?”

Jimin, still crying, nods, as the tears stream down his puffy cheeks.

“I’ve been rehearsing for…for 36 hours…and I ca…can’t….do it…I can’t get it right. I ke…keep messing up. I’m n…not getting it…they’re…they’re going to drop me from the showcase if I can’t do it….they…they will…” At this point, your heart is broken, your usually smiley best friend is completely shattered, sobbing, into your arms. You hadn’t seen him like this since he had his first serious breakup sophomore year and, even that couldn’t compare to what you saw before you.

“Shh…minnie…it’s ok, it’s ok, I got you.” You gingerly tilt his swollen face towards yours, your eyes holding an immense amount of emotion as you gaze into his. “Listen to me ok? You can’t rehearse like that, you’re going to burn out and, get hurt. You have to rest. You’ve been practicing non-stop for the entire semester. You could do that routine in your sleep babe. The only reason you probably messed up is because you are exhausting yourself.”

Before you can even finish, Jimin’s eyes well up with tears once again as he shakes his head.

“No…no…you don’t understand…y/n…the coaches came to watch me last night and, I fell…I fell and they…they said that they were disappointed with my progress…and that I need to do better…so…I had to stay to re…rehearse…cause I failed. I failed y/n, I failed.” Jimin bursts into another fit of sobs as he clutches you tighter and, you actually have to hold back the tears that are pricking the corners of your own eyes.

“Dancers fall all the time Jiminie, it’s ok, you had been rehearsing all day. Every free moment you have, you spend in the studio practicing. I know it must have been so hard to fall in front of your coaches but, hey,” You tilt his face to you once more before he can hide away in your arm again. “You are Park fucking Jimin. You are the youngest collegiate dancer to win the national showcase and, the ONLY dancer to win it three years in a row. Dancing is like breathing to you. Audiences are mesmerized as soon as you step on the stage. You did not fail. You are exhausted. You can’t work yourself like this or, there won’t be a Park Jimin to win the showcase four years in a row.” As your words tumble out of your mouth, Jimin begins to calm down, still sniffling lightly, he hugs you again, his normally sparkling eyes, heavy with exhaustion.

“I’m so scared…y/n…there’s so much pressure and, I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it if I disappoint anyone.” You place a chaste kiss to the top of his bubblegum hair as you nod.

“It’s ok to be afraid, this is something you really want and, when we really want something, the thought of failing can be crippling but, you have worked so unbelievably hard.  No one deserves this more than you do. Try and have a little faith in yourself ok? There is nothing you can’t achieve. You have something so magical within you.  Working hard is good but, everyone has their limit and, if you keep pushing yourself like this, you won’t be healthy enough to achieve all of the amazing things I know you are capable of.” Your voice has dropped to an even lower volume as you continue rubbing Jimin’s back. He is looking up at you with intense focus but, you can tell he is on the verge of crashing.

“You promise? You promise you believe I can do this?” He whispers and, your heart shatters in pieces that someone whom you care so deeply for, is in so much pain.

“I don’t just believe Jimin, I know.” You whisper back before jerking your head to the other end of the couch. “Can you please try and sleep for me? When you wake up, we can go somewhere, or we can stay in,its up to you. Just try and rest of a while.” At your request, Jimin lets out a yawn, his lips pressing to your shoulder once more before he flops back onto the couch, still sniffling lightly.

You help him out of his shoes and his coat before grabbing a blanket and, literally tucking him in.

“Thank you y/n.” Jimin whispers, practically half asleep, his hand holding yours lightly.

“You don’t have to thank me, that’s what best friends are for. I’ve cried on your couch a few times too, remember.” You smile fondly as Jimin lets out a twinkling giggle, happy to see that he’s feeling somewhat better.

“I love you.” He whispers, his eyes beginning to shut.

You squeeze his hand lightly before replying.

“I love you too Jimin.”

Jimin drifts off a few moments later, his light snores filling your living room. Your heart feels achy as you reply the last few moments over in your head. You knew your words wouldn’t be enough to completely take away Jimin’s uncertainty but, you were so grateful that he came to you instead of suffering in silence. Jimin had a history of feeling this way right before a showcase. He had done something similar to this your freshman year before, winning and subsequently making history. It absolutely devastated you to see him hurting but, you meant everything you said. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that Jimin was going to go far in life; you just hoped one day, he could see it for himself.

—————————————————————————————————-

“The dark and the ocean….I think maybe it’s time that we start tackling our fears one by one, what do you think?” You look over at Yoongi, who nods from behind his phone.

“Yeah, I think so too. I don’t know how we’d combine the dark and the ocean anyway.” His voice was slightly scratchier than normal but, when you had asked if he was sick, he told you that he had lost his voice at a concert he went to the night prior. For whatever reason, you didn’t believe him but, rather than prying, you opted to enjoy the sound of Yoongi’s raspy voice becoming even raspier.

“If we did, it would be terrifying and, I would probably die.” You state bluntly, causing Yoongi to scoff in disbelief, shaking his head at you.

“You’re so dramatic.” He chastises, smirking lightly, tapping away at his phone. You shrug, not bothering to disagree with him as you doodle on the corner of your paper. “Are you comfortable confronting this fear directly? I don’t know how you would imagine it, unless, you just imagine yourself in a dark room.”

The shudder that passes through your body was completely involuntary and, Yoongi notices it.

“You don’t have to, we can think of something else.” He assures, his almond shaped eyes, wrinkled slightly in concern. You shook your head insistently, putting on a brave face.

“No, its ok…I can do it. I won’t be alone so, it will be a little easier.” You force smile onto your mouth but, Yoongi isn’t buying it. Thankfully, he decides to accept your statement anyway.

“Does tonight work for you? I have a free Tuesday for once so, I figured we could do yours today and mine on Thursday.” Yoongi’s suggests, his demeanor returning to normal. You nod, leaning back in your chair, attempting to look casual but, your heart jumped slightly in your chest.

“Yeah, that’s fine, what time?” You needed to know how much time you had to straighten up because, you definitely left dirty dishes in the sink and, you were quite certain that you dropped a pair or two of clean underwear whilst running late this morning.

“Well, it doesn’t get dark until 7:30-8 so, maybe around then?” Yoongi cocks his head slightly, his eyes sleepy as usual. You had never had such a strong urge to tuck someone into bed and, kiss their forehead until you met Min Yoongi. That boy needs more sleep.

“I’m good with that yeah. Are we eating together or do you want to eat before you come?”

“I’ll bring something, I have a lot to make up for since somebody, decided to buy our tickets last week.” He gives you a pointed look, disapproval gracing his features. You laugh, shrugging shamelessly, looking up at him.

“I guess you better bring something good then.” You insist, smiling, nudging his desk with your foot.

————————————————————————————————–

It was that very conversation that led you to where you were now:  belly full of That’s Amore’s pasta, apartment tidied up, and Yoongi glancing over at you curiously.

“What?” You giggle lightly, confused at his intense gaze before, he nods over to you.

“Why are you afraid of the dark?” He murmurs, his tone cautious but curious.

You bite your lip, as you feel your body grow slightly uncomfortable. Meeting Yoongi’s gaze, you attempt to sound as brave as possible before, answering his question.

“I…used to have really bad nightmares as a kid. I had them every night for almost two years.” You admit, your eyes moving to stare at the couch instead of continuing to look at Yoongi. “My parents finally took me to a doctor and they told them that I would eventually just grow out of it. They gave me something to help me sleep through the night and, over time, the dreams finally stopped but, I slept with my light on until I was like 14.” You giggle, trying to lighten the mood, not really enjoying the serious tone of the conversation.

Yoongi nods, regarding you earnestly from the other end of the couch.

“I’m sorry.” He says softly and, you can tell that he means it. You smile over at him, brushing it off.

“No, its ok, it happened a long time ago. I’m just still not a huge fan of the dark.” You explain, finally meeting his gaze again.

“You don’t have to do this, you can just keep talking about it…I don’t want you to feel afraid.” He insists, his tone firm and certain.

You nod, your smile growing more genuine.

“I can do it. I think it will be good for me and, like I said, I won’t be alone so, I don’t think it will be too bad.” You’re lying. The dark terrified you but, logically, you understood that there was nothing dangerous about it. You know you can do this.

Yoongi nods but, you can tell that he’s uneasy, his movements cautious and hesitant as he looks around your apartment.

“Ok, do you want to start slow? We could just turn off the lights first; the streetlights shouldn’t make it too dark.” He assures you, nodding toward the window but, you shake your head at his suggestion.

“No, I think it’s better if we just do everything now. I think prolonging it will just make me more nervous.” Your voice is growing smaller and, once you catch that, you sit up straighter.  As if, sitting up straighter would lessen the fear you felt. “Let’s do this.”

Yoongi nods and the two of you move to start closing the curtains and turning off the few lamps that you have on in your apartment. You both stand on opposite ends of your living room as Yoongi’s hand hovers over the main light.

“Are you ready?” He calls softly, his face littered with concern.

You nod, smiling tightly, bracing yourself for the darkness.

“You have to protect me if a shadow demon tries to eat me!” You insist, giggling, trying to lessen the tension as Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“There’s no such thing as shadow demons.” He counters, smirking before, he nods anyway. “But, yeah, I guess I’ll protect you if that happens.”

Your heart is picking up its pace in your chest as you attempt to pull a deep breath from your nose.

Yoongi looks at you pointedly and, before another question can pass his lips, you nod to the light.

“Go ahead. I’m good.” You assure him, putting on the bravest voice you can find.

There’s a click and then, darkness envelops your apartment. You could never have imagined that your apartment could get to this level of darkness. The room was pitch black, you held your hand out in front of your face and you saw nothing but a faint blob.

“Are you ok?” Yoongi calls softly from the other end of the room.

Another shaky breath passes your lips as you attempt to calm yourself.

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m ok.” You assure him but, even you could tell that your tone wasn’t convincing. There’s a shuffling on the other end of the room that causes you to jump out of your skin. “What was that?”

“It’s just me; I’m trying to find my way to the couch.” Yoongi’s voice calms you and, you curse yourself for being so obviously afraid.

“Yeah, I should probably do that too. I don’t want to just stand here…vulnerable…where literally anything can attack me if it wanted to.” You muse casually and, this causes Yoongi to finally break out in his rickety laughter.

“Nothing is going to attack you, just come here and, be careful not to trip over anything. That’s the only real danger you need to worry about.” Yoongi’s voice is practically a whisper and, you use it to guide yourself to your sofa. You finally feel the familiar fabric and make your way around the arm of the couch before, tucking your body into one of the cushions. The heartbeat in your chest hasn’t lessened its pounding but, you feel slightly better that you’re not doing this alone.

“I made it.” You whisper but, Yoongi could already feel you sit down at the opposite end of the couch.

“How are you feeling?” Yoongi whispers back to you and, you feel yourself relaxing slightly at the sound of his voice. He really should be doing ASMR in his free time. Your mouth opens to lie again but, you end up sighing in defeat.

“I’m scared.” It’s the first time either of you have uttered this phrase since beginning your project and, you grow uneasy as you wait for his response.

“That’s ok.” He assures and then he falls silent for a moment. “I know it’s difficult for you. We can stop whenever you want.”

“I’m ok right now; my eyes are starting to adjust.”

Another moment of silence passes between the two of you and, you feel a familiar thickness in the air that seems to occur a lot when you and Yoongi are alone. You close your eyes for a moment, stifling your desire to mention it to him. He had made it very clear on the Ferris Wheel that he wasn’t interested in being with you that way… ‘right now.’

“You can…move closer to me, if you need to. I’m not sure if that will help but, you can try. I don’t mind.” Yoongi whispers and, his offer catches you completely off guard. Should you move closer to him?

Silently, you scoot your body down the length of the couch until you feel your shins meet Yoongi’s feet. He must have been sitting cross-legged on the couch and, now that you’re closer to him, you can make out his posture. He’s sitting with his legs crossed, his body turned to face the direction you were sitting, while his hands rested in his lap.

“Thank you.” You whisper, and you can sort of make out the faint smile ( :] ) on his lips.

“Is it any better?”

“Yeah, it is, actually, thanks.” You repeat your gratitude and you finally start to feel the anxiety subsiding from your chest. Yoongi was warm and, he smelt like berries and the ocean? An odd yet tantalizing combination that, in all honesty, made your stomach tighten. His hands are adorned with a few rings and your eyes squint in curiosity as you try to make out what they look like; regretting that you hadn’t checked them out when the lights were on.

“What are you trying to look at?” Yoongi’s whisper causes you to smile as  you realize that his eyes were also adjusted to the darkness and, he was probably wondering why you were staring intently at his lap.

“Your rings.” You giggle, your head jerking their direction. At your answer, Yoongi’s fingers flutter lightly in response, his head turning down to look at them.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t wear these a lot but, my roommate Namjoon got them for me and, started giving me shit for not liking them. So, I made a point to wear them more.” He explains his tone one of fondness and annoyance. Another laugh passes your lips as you nod in understanding.

“They look nice. Namjoon has good taste.” You compliment, feeling far more comfortable.

“Yeah, he’s alright, I guess.” Yoongi jests but, you know he doesn’t mean what he says, always hiding behind a snarky comment. Before you can speak again, Yoongi holds one of his hands out to you. “You can look at them if you want.”

Your heart stalls a moment as you look at Yoongi’s out stretched hand. The hand that had been on your own lap comes up to bring Yoongi’s closer to your view. The rings were actually beautiful and, you were thankful that the tiniest amount of light had escaped through the curtains so you could properly see them. There were four of them each covered in silver, the engravings depicting the four elements: Earth, fire, water, and air. You smile as your fingers gently examine Yoongi’s rings (hand). His hands were one of your favorite things about him. They were nearly double the size of your own, blue and green veins pushed slightly against the surface, fingernails bitten out of what you could assume as nervousness.  There is a light increase in your heart rate as you continue to examine Yoongi’s hand and, if he had noticed that you stopped looking at his rings, he wasn’t showing it. You tilt his hand up so, its perpendicular to your own, your fingertips only reaching the middle of his fingers, as you place your palm against his hand.

“Your hand is small.” Yoongi whispers but, this time, you detect a different tone from him that you can’t say you’ve ever heard before.

A small smile graces your mouth as you nod.

“Against yours it is.” The whisper that leaves your lips is almost in audible, your eyes find Yoongi’s and, you find him staring back at you, the faint streetlight illuminating his face. The two of you stare at each other as you feel Yoongi’s fingers lace with your own. Your heart beats wildly in your chest as you lick your lips in attempt to compensate for the dryness in your mouth. Without warning, the two of you are leaning towards each other, your shaky breathing intertwining momentarily before, your lips press together. Yoongi audibly lets out a sigh of what literally sounds like relief as he mold his lips against yours. You rise up on your knees lightly, in an attempt to get closer to him, your free hand coming up to gently touch his face. The butterflies that had been taunting you for the past month erupt in your stomach, your heart racketing against your sternum. Yoongi’s hand that was interlaced with yours slips out of your grip and, settles on your waist instead, pulling you into his body. Your lips are beginning to move against one another and, you actually feel Yoongi’s heartbeat rattling against your hand. The thought of you having that effect on him, makes you clench between your thighs. Your body moves to make its way into his lap but, before you make it there, Yoongi is slowly pulling away. He seems reluctant to stop, his swollen lips still pecking against yours as he presses his forehead to your own.

“I don’t want to stop but, I think…”His breathing is too ragged for him to speak properly, and you press your lips to his cheek in an attempt to sooth him, even though, your breathing is just as bad. “We….should slow down….”

You nod in agreement but, relish in the fact that Yoongi is still holding you close to him, your body leaning into his chest.

“You’re right.” You whisper in return, your breath just as shaky as Yoongi maneuvers you so, that you’re tucked into the side of his body. Your hand rests on his chest and you smile as you feel his heart pummeling against the palm of your hand. The two of you lay there for a moment in complete silence, Yoongi’s fingers play with your own  as you wait for the other to say something.

Surprisingly enough, it’s Yoongi who breaks the silence, his raspy whisper penetrating the darkness around you.

“Are you still scared?” He whispers softly, his eyes finding yours.

You look up towards him, a soft smile on your lips.

“No.”

Yoongi smiles back at you and, you can’t help but notice how shy he’s being, his eyes softer than you have ever seen before.

“Good.”

Maybe, the dark wasn’t so bad after all.

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

[rogsclogs]

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); Part 2.

taglist: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeacygotmorerhythm (If you want to be added please message me)

If you still haven’t read part 1 just look up ‘Some day one day’ within my tags, I tag every fan fiction under the name of the series

Feedback is always appreciated! Enjoy :) 

Y/N probably would never admit it to anyone else other than her own subconscious, but she soon started finding the coursework more demanding than she’d initially expected and things started getting a bit out of control for her, making her doubt her choice of a lifetime. At first everything seemed to be going great, she’d made a good impression on Mr. May who knew just how far to push her and the rest of the class so that they could learn new things without tiring them out, but at some point Y/N started losing track of her progress and falling behind unexpectedly.

She didn't even know the reason for all of her mental confusion, but she assumed it was just stress due to all her other classes and assignments and trying to keep up with her social life as well, which is something that most students struggle with, but she was probably just suffering more from it.

All of a sudden the numbers on her papers got mixed up with letters from ancient languages that she struggled to give meaning to and her grades kept dropping like never before, leaving her an anxious mess on her apartment floor every Thursday and Friday after class, wondering why she couldn't just get the fucking answer right and why the fuck it all seemed so fucking fucked up (her own words). Truth is, she wasn't used to failing. She’d been the best pupil of the bunch ever since third grade and, while she truly didn't care too much about being the best at everything, she was used to doing the bare minimum and still getting great results, this simply wasn't the case and she didn't know how to handle the truth of the situation, nor did she know how to break it to her parents that maybe, just maybe, she wasn't meant for astrophysics. 

She’d never hear the end of it, they would assume she was giving up on life altogether and she’d be in deep shit.

Mr. May (he’d told his class that his first name was Brian, but he still expected to be addressed properly in the formal environment of the college campus) had noticed a shift in her attitude, she had always had a sparkling personality in class, raising her hand and proving all the annoying geniuses wannabe wrong when they thought she couldn't figure the answer out and she provided the right one each and every single time. And Brian was so happy with her, he really was, because he’d started to like the girl, he’d started to like the way her eyes lit up when they approached a new topic in class and she wanted to know all about it within the first half hour. He’d sometimes laughed at her enthusiasm, but as the days went by and it started to wear out and be replaced by hollow looking eyes, he realized how much he really missed it. 

Every student was struggling, that's just the way it was meant to work and he knew it. He'd been assigned this course five years prior, so he wasn't new to the job or anything and he was aware that even the smartest of students were bound to have issues, that's what the tutoring sessions were for, but although some of them had quit and given up on the subject altogether, none of them seemed so torn by their grades as she did.

It literally broke his heart to have to give her another bad grade after each test, especially when rewarding her hard work was so much more enthusiastic, but there was close to nothing he could do about it so he just let the look on her face get sadder each day, wondering where he went wrong. Was he really such a bad teacher? He wanted all his students to succeed but maybe he was doing something to prevent that.

“Okay class, good morning and welcome back. So, today you were supposed to hand in your quantum physics assignment, which I hope you all found reasonable enough to finish. I expect it on my desk by the end of class, is everyone good with that?” He spoke while fixing his glasses back on his slim nose and pushing his long curly hair out of his face so he could see better, something he tended to do whenever he started his lecture. 

His big and attentive eyes scanned the room as he softly smiled at his students and their barely awake faces that he had grown so accustomed to. His eyes lingered a bit longer on a certain person though, he’d been keeping an eye on her for some time after all and he watched her from afar, trying to understand what was going on inside her beautiful mind. Y/N wanted to disappear as soon as the words left her professor’s lips, as she realized she’d completely forgotten about that one assignment, too busy trying to finish the one from the week prior, which she still had to hand in. 

Mr. May had been kind enough to give her a pass for once, considering she’d always been on top of her game with handing things in and such, but she was sure that this time around he wouldn't be as understanding and she was admittedly quite scared of talking to him. The lesson went on as normal, they were covering the topic of interplanetary dust and learning all the basics about it since they were then expected to do a whole research about it as part of their final exam.

Y/N was trying her hardest to focus on the enormous blackboard stuck to the wall in front of her, but a little voice inside her head kept reminding her that she was a failure and she absolutely did not deserve to be in the same class as some of the smartest people from her college. She was just another average girl who’d gotten lucky and who had never developed actual skills for the subject, she didn't even know why she was aiming so high-

“Miss Y/L/N, is everything okay?” his voice had managed to catch her attention fully and she sat up straight and just nodded back at Mr. May, hoping he’d let her get away with her lack of concentration once again, but apparently he had different plans.

“Will you stay for a while after class, miss? I want to talk to you briefly” his eyes were stern as he let her know that she was in trouble, and understandably so. He probably wanted to kick her out of his class at that exact moment.

She deserved to fail. She couldn't think of anything else and she spent the last hour of lecture fidgeting with her own fingers and trying to take some notes on whatever it was that was written on the blackboard, while harshly scratching her face with her nails every once in a while out of frustration and nervousness. Time went by faster than she’s hoped, and while everyone stopped by the professor’s desk to hand in their work before leaving the hall to finally talk about something that didn't involve physics, she slowly walked over to him and waited for him to say goodbye to all the other students.

“Where’s your homework, Miss?” He was talking directly at her this time and she knew she couldn't hide anymore.

“I’m sorry Mr. May, I completely forgot about it until you mentioned it earlier today, it won’t happen again”

“But this is not even the first time something like this happens to you, if I’m not mistaken I gave you a pass last week for the same reason, what is going on with you?” He couldn't help but raising his voice a little towards the end, she’d begun the semester so well and here she was, throwing all her hard work away.

“I’m sorry, it was just distraction and nothing else, I don’t know where my mind is lately” Y/N tried to joke although it came out a bit choked since she was holding back tears from all the anger and frustration she was going through, but Brian could tell that something else was up with her and he couldn't just ignore it and let her get back to her self destructive means.

“I can see that something is bothering you and taking a toll on you, I don't want to intrude, but I’m truly worried about whatever it is that’s making you behave this way Miss. You used to be one of my best students, what the hell is going on now?” He was getting carried away and although he could hear it in his voice himself, he was coming from a place of care and wasn't able to stop himself to think about the consequences of his harsh sounding voice, so it took him by surprise when the girl in front of him bursted into tears.

[pastelraes-blog]

Bitch Why Are You Like This: meeting Miss & Daddy (Jan 22)

A picture of me looking at me during the entire evening.

Starring: Daddy, Miss and a bitch (that's me!)

i've been thinking about my meeting with Miss and Daddy. Before that very moment, i have never felt young. Truly young - innocent, energetic, inexperienced, requiring guidance, in-over-my-head. Ever. Welcome to childhood, bitch.

Miss is fucking amazing. Although intense, she embodies the person i want to be. There's a quiet strength about her, a self-assurance, and she's beautiful. When the hostess pointed her out, i was quite sure i'd die before ever reaching the table. But here i am. Still living. While sitting at the table i marveled at how blessed i felt. Do i know what the fuck i'm doing? No. Do i know what i'm getting myself into? Hell no. But i trust in the experience Miss has, her thorough questioning, and deliberate actions.

For a moment, i wondered about sex trafficking. Atlanta is the sex trafficking hub of the nation, and to get women, sex traffickers often recruit other women. Because girls/women feel safer with and trust women more than men. With reason. But i requested to see and talk to her and Daddy was kind enough to let that happen.

And then in comes Daddy. i doubted He was real but He sure as fuck is, and boy do i feel little. It's not something i've ever experienced in my life. And i like it a lot (question mark?). i was pretty sure i was going to fuck some shit up and fuck some shit up i did. He told me to ask Him a question. i didn't feel i deserved to ask a question and quite frankly i was suffering from slight sensory overload and i didn't have a question to ask. Every question i had left my mind the moment He asked. Somehow, i found one - something about my age. i don't remember what i asked or His answer. i do remember getting comfortable and asking another question. He leans forward and says, "What part of one question do you not understand?" and i respond, "the one part." 🤦🏽‍♂️ Internally, i was yelling at myself to shut the fuck up.

And then He looked at me.

He looked *into* me

and i fell

When i was 4 or 5 or 6 (who the fuck knows honestly) my mother took me and my sister (who was 2 or 3 or 4) to a pool. i could somewhat swim but knew i should never cross 4 feet deep. Keeping this in mind, i jumped in the pool. And then i started drowning; the '4 feet' pool marker was missing and i thought i was jumping into 3 feet water. As i drowned, there was no panic. i felt no discomfort. i remember being surrounded by light blue waves. Looking up to see the sun shining through the water. i was at peace. There was no sound, there was no disturbance. And then i closed my eyes.

And when i opened them i was staring into Daddy's.

*still*

There's a common descriptor phrase - looking like a deer in headlights - and i have had the terribly unfortunate opportunity to witness this in reality in the passenger seat of my grandfather's jeep speeding toward a deer at 50 miles per hour.

and i am the deer

and the deer is me

drowning in water

over four feet deep

with eyes staring into Daddy's

Eventually i look away. And to mask my terror - that i could feel the depth of those experiences, i do the worst possible thing i could do in the moment: i look back at him defiantly & *i get smug*. And when i return my attention to Miss, i am smiling. Daddy asks Miss if i have signed the waiver yet and he says to get that done *as soon as possible*

A bitch is in trouble .

Should i be terrified for my life? Should i try to suck His ****? Who knows 🤷🏾‍♂️ (lxlzkzkzjkzjzb why am i like this! 😳🤣). Fuck Twilight AND ESPECIALLY fuck its fanfic 50 Shades, but Bella. Sweetie. If this is how you felt when Eddy-boy stared at you, i understand and im sorry for ever doubting you.

The night goes on. Daddy pours his coffee in a very particular manner. i am very thankful for Miss. They work well together. A perfect balance. She asks about me staring down Daddy and asks if i wanted to or felt like i should look away. Hell yeah i wanted to look away. i felt like i should look away. i wanted desperately to look away. i couldn't. And then it felt like maybe i shouldn't look away? Like what was this Man thinking i wondered. And when i caught myself looking i realized i kinda didn't want to stop? A bitch is a brat. Why do i poke the Lion? i don't knoooww 😭. Miss says she can't imagine me being submissive and that hurts a lot.

And of course in typical fashion of one who emotes (?) dramatically, i begin to cry. Because being smug is a defense mechanism. Bucking authority is another. i have had to puff myself up and build up walls and be hard for so long to *survive* and i don't want to be like that anymore. It's not me. i didn't have a childhood. i've always felt impossibly old. At 10, i raised my siblings for four years while momma went to college. because making 6k a year aint shit with 4 kids. At 14 when she finished, she wanted her role and her power back, but the children didn't recognize her as momma. And she hated it. It was a constant power struggle. To me she was irrational, led by the heart and prone to overreaction. Her favorite punishment aside from capital punishment was to take away everything i cared about at any moment *because she could*. So i became smug. *Because fuck you.*

Fast forward 4 years when i finally get to college and shit aint much better. i'm in an environment i wasn't ready for academically. The learning curve was exponential with a slope asymptote to infinity (undefined). That joint is a straight line lol. People are mad racist, dudes are mad sexist, the black people super rich and i'm slipping into depression. When i took a break from school last semester, i learned the traits i picked up - the way i operate in groups/the constant fight - don't work in other environments. It's dangerous to myself and it hurts others. And i don't want to be like that anymore. this is what i've had to do to survive all my life and it's ugly and it's not me.

i'm done with surviving. i want to thrive. i want to *live*. i want to submit desperately, i just don't know how. i'm tired of being defiant and smug and provoking because it's not me. i care so deeply for people, and i struggle because my face, my words, and my attitude are incongruent. When shit is bad, and i mean real bad, i smile and laugh. Not because something is funny or amusing - i smile because it isn't. i guess i started smiling cuz that's much simpler than bursting into tears. And these behaviors are habits i desperately want to break. my life has been fight after fight and resistance and war. i've made it so i would not submit to the negative forces in my life, but now i don't know how to accept the good. and that's why it hurts me so much when i smile at Miss or stare down Daddy when i would truly love not to be.

i was sure after that fiasco i'd never hear from them again. i failed so epically at something i know myself to be. regardless of the tears (because i definitely cried more last night), i am so thankful for that one opportunity to be in the presence of Miss and Daddy. The experience allowed me to gaze intently at those very ugly behaviors that i didnt truly recognize until last night. i left feeling like i failed a lot. But that failure was good because it was necessary. i'm now one step closer to knowing the person i am and transforming into the person i want to be.

Miss told me to look up what submission means and give ten examples of when i have ever done that in my life. For a moment i was quite terrified because i don't think i have ever submitted to someone or something without resistance first.

Submission - the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person; an act of surrendering to a hold by one's opponent; humility; meekness

Okay the '10 examples' activity is super hard because i see now i've been the bitch reluctant to listen and follow. people must loved me to put up with this shit. Jesus take the wheel.

i still don't think i'm off the hook. i live on the hook. i am the worm 😂. i'm super disappointed in myself, but my love for myself has not changed. i'm really proud of myself for taking the chance and putting myself out there and meeting people who i fantasize about binding me, dragging keys down my back until i bleed, whipping my *****, leaving marks/bruises and other normal shit like calling me hideous degrading names and looking at me in ways that make my entire being quiver. If we're being 300,000% truthful, though i didn't intend to fuck up, the intensity of those moments, the acute embarrassment i felt, the topic of conversation in that public environment is something i truly enjoyed and if given the chance to experience it again i definitely would. ☺️

Eventually i'll ask Miss about her role because she's Daddy's sub but i have to pass her first to get to Daddy. Does that mean one day she's going to hand me off and i don't get to have her as Miss anymore 😢? i'm going to enjoy things as they are and take them as they come. Because i like Daddy & Miss a lot 🤷🏾‍♂️

[that-one-violist]

this is a lot dont read it idk why i decided venting here would be smart i just cant get out of my own headpsace and i formally apologize

Im sorry idk this is a lot of bullshit that doesnt even mame sense i just needed to go off fuck me oof

i miss her more than i could ever put into words. the world will probably always feel a little more empty without her and that is my new reality.

youre born. you live. you experience. you lose. you gain. you love. you cry. you laugh. you exist. you die.

it all sounds so clean cut and clear. but she deserved more of the inbetween points. it doesnt feel so clear anymore. she gave birth to me yet she wont be there if i have my own kid. she raised me yet she wont be there to guide me. she took care of me but i couldnt ever take enough care of her. i didnt have the resources to save her. i didnt have the intelligence or maturity to take more time with her. i didnt push for her to hug me when i left after spring break. i asked. she said she didnt feel well. and i accepted that. little would i know that would be the last oppurtunity for me to embrace her and tell her how much she meant to me and how much she did good for me and how much i wouldnt be where i am today without her, to her face.

i didnt make that call. i fully intended to after my choral performance clinic. but when i grabbed my phone i would only be left with the news that she would never be able to answer my phone calls ever again. i never made that call. i procrastinated. i wanted to ask her about some medic insurance policy stuff and tell her about how im doing in school. at the time i was doing okay academically. i wanted to tell her i would try to get a recording of me playing at the recital, even if only audio, so that she could hear me in solo performance.

i never got that chance. i could blame myself, but i am just human. i fucked up because thats what we do best as people. fuck up and make the best out of it right? i dont remember what her last spoken words to me were. i didnt think id have to remember it.

i miss her. i dont know why im going off on some blog. i just havent felt like this before. the grief is a monster all on its own, but the added stress of college viola music ed classes debt moving out of the dorm finals week recitals masterclasses juries lessons credit card companies mortgages my hands and arms have increasingly become more uncomfortable but i cant believe my own self that i am experiencing any real pain my dads retirement my dad my dad's emotional state i have to take care of him there is no one left to yell at me in a loving way for not taking care of myself and me following along because itd break her heart if she knew i was struggling there is no one that could play that role yet i need it so much apparently im not mature enough to manage myself? i cannot just manage the grief but everything else has piled on im probably going to end up ill at this rate but i cant because i have to finish the semester and pass my classes with at least Bs and do well and be present and seem fine at the very least otherwise my dad would worry and i cant afford to go to the doctor for shit like this

i just want so badly to just stop caring and just let life fuck me up because i dont have it in me to keep going as hard as i am at the moment but its either all or nothing and i cant give up because im not that way and so i just have to make it work and seem fine even though im a fucking dumbass and keep venting 1 sentence randomly to people that dont really need this in their life and im just complaining about stuff i could easily fix i just dont have it in me to at this point

its self destructive and ive had issues with this before but much more direct than this time so maybe its fine and this is all part of the "losing your mom at 19 years young" package and i just need to get used to it and over it but

fuck idk

fuck i dont know why i went off holy shit

ill be okay, ill take care of myself and ill make it work and ill end up happy and well and normal again and ill have the energy to be better academically emotionally socially and physically its just gonna take more time than id prefer

[lyzande]

ebarg thoughts - my swan song

just some shitty thoughts that I need to vent

I honestly don’t know how to start this, or what even to write. Where should I begin? How should I spin this tale? What will the ending be?

I’ve been struggling with formulating coherent thoughts over the last few weeks and months, and honestly, I can’t be fucked to start pulling myself together. Putting aside my academic obligations, thinking itself - in a logical, calm, and sensible manner - has become a huge burden. Even with the academic strain, I have struggled to perform and study up to the standards that I should be performing at. 

This year has been ridiculously tough on all of us. At the beginning of 2020, no one could have ever predicted the shitty predicament that we would be in, from the very first month of the year.

I have to say, it’s fucking shitty that I’m in this state of mind once again. I’ve worked so hard to pull myself together back in 2018, and honestly, I managed pretty well in holding myself together all throughout the year of 2019.

I suppose I should reflect on my mental state from the beginning. Honestly, I’ve been struggling with this bullshit internally for nearly seven years, by my most gracious estimate. Although, I hesitate in claiming anything since I have not been diagnosed or even talked to any mental health professional. But, you know, at the risk of misdiagnosis, I have done research, bounced ideas off of different sound boards, ie. the people who I value in my life, and their opinions thereabout.

Having established my fragile state of mind, things could only get worse by the end of 2017. In my third year of college, I was elected to be an officer of our mother org, which I had no experience in at all. It’s not a surprise that there were a lot of struggles that faced me, a lazy procrastinator with whimsical ideas about life who was suddenly handed the responsibilities of a secretary. I did my best, or so I’d like to think, but it wasn’t enough to meet the standards which I should have worked at. I failed. I’m not going to sugarcoat shit. I failed horribly. I tried to learn as best I can from my failures, and I’d like to think that I may have improved from that. 

At the same time, by the end of the semester, I had failed one of my subjects due to my own irresponsibility. I really don’t want to get into it but I accepted everything that happened. It was one of the only times that I broke down in school. I remember, 2017 was the year that two of my dearest friends saved me. To this day, I still love them unconditionally because at my worst, they were there, and at my best, they were the reason.

Anyway, fast forward to mid-2018, the end of our third year in college. By that time, I had lost my love for our org and had started spending more time with another. Although I did not neglect my duties, I had only given the bare minimum. I struggled with a few but our efforts were not enough to salvage the dumpster fire that was our responsibility. Again, I learned and I promised to never make the same mistakes again.

Enter our fourth year of college. It was the year where we had to finish our thesis, finish our internship and pass our other academic requirements in order to graduate. On top of that, I was appointed as the managing editor of our college paper. I was elected into the minor position of PIO within out college subcouncil. I was elected to be the President of our University’s student volunteerism organization. I don’t know if I’ve stressed this enough but I was not a responsible student. I resented my course. I chose neither Accountancy nor Accounting Management, and out of spite, I neglected my academics.

I struggled with juggling my other responsibilities on top of trying to have a social life. So it was a month into our fourth year that I tried to kill myself. I have already been actively selfharming for a few months by then, and it all peaked when I has one shitty night, and I drank a betsin cocktail of my own making. But I was stupid and I didnt have nearly enough to even give me a stomach ache. I probably should have gone for an overdose or something.

But to my shame, I didn’t die. I dont think anyone even knew what I attempted. I was lucky. A few weeks later, we had a team building activity, which I attended with some of my closest friends. They saved my shitty self again that day. For the first fucking time, i saw what I’ve been blind to for such a long time. I had people that actually fucking cared about me. I could not lose them. I’ve pulled my shit together. A friend made me promise to stop selfharming, and honestly, I was pretty good at keeping that promise.

Fast forward to mid-2019, I guess. My family had already decided I was going to be enrolled into law school. I’ve been struggling with the idea, I was willing but I wasn’t quite sure. Nevertheless, I pursued it. It was an amazing first sem, honestly. I met a lot of great people. I made a new family. We all went through the same struggles and joys. It was a whole new unique experience. By this point, I was in a pretty good mental state. I was stable. I made a promise to myself that I’d actually be making an effort, academically-speaking.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. On top of the already harsh standards demanded by law school, there were external stressors. Everyone has struggles in law school. Everyone had their own problems. These were mine: family expectations, distorted self-worth and self-view, struggling social life, and I was missing my first family - my closest friends.

Fast forward again to 2020, and holy shit. What a fucking year. It isn’t even over yet. Taal volcano exploded. Tried to help around in the ways I can. Still studying diligently. Then covid happened. Quarantine and lockdown enforced. That was a whole other struggle. Everyone had to adjust to learning on their own and thru online means. Still, it wasn’t too bad. We missed each other’s company but we managed somehow.

Having been in a stable headspace for the past n months, I decided to get back into the dating and social scene. Being the haliparot that I am, I made landi like it was going out of fashion. It was fun. Met a few people, got watered, figuratively speakin, y’all know what I’m saying? But then fucking shitty people making shitty decisions. Engineers are ghosters, y’all can’t change my mind. Engineer, if you ever read this for some reason, fuck you. (but if you want, I’m still head over heels for you, you shitty fucking fuck)

ANYWAY. Around July or August, my mom got sick. She struggled with her health. Those few weeks that she was out of commission was tough. She’s the only person working in our household, so we all depended on her income. I wanted to drop out and work, because I needed to help my parents. But I kept studying because sayang naman daw if I wasted my time. Im a full time student, being supported by my family. They wanted me to focus on studying. So I did.

Then about a month or so ago, my dad got sick. He can’t get up without getting dizzy. At first it was just blood pressure issues, which became blood sugar issued but now, apparently, it’s some fucking brain issues. My cousins have been covering the medical expenses and honestly, we’re struggling so fucking hard to live right now. I really want to drop out of school and work, just so we can have stable income but with this shitty situation we’re in? holy shit

the past few weeks have been a struggle. academic burn out. social burn out. i’ve been contemplating selfharm again. i want to die. my body is giving up on me. everything is hurting. i cant talk to any of my friends because im scare. i know i can rely on them but im so fucking scared. im becoming naother huge disappointment. im falling into a pit of my own making. i dont know what to do. i cant focus on my studies. im performing subpar. i need to support my family. my social life is dead. my heart is broken. im doing my best but my best right now? it’s worth shit.

im trying to pull myself together but i dont know where im at right now

im trying to reach out but i know how much people are also struggling and i dont wanna take away their time and effort

trying to look for work but im abrely qualified

constant headaches and body aches

my heart is still crying for him

my soul is condemned to eternal suffering

our society is falling apart

our economy is fucked

history is repeating itself

politics is bonkers

people are dying

i dont know what the shit is oging on

i want to die

i want to live

i want to survive

i miss my friends

i miss my fmaily

im tired

im so fucking tired

i dont know what to do

i just want to die

[ac-ars]

Focus on me

im posting this one, because second mom of this au is having birthday today and i hope she likes the idea, i really really hope

@sky-girls​, all the best for you, because you don’t deserve anything less than the best, i love you very very much barbara, the most mostest 💖

Focus on me

Luna sighs, sitting on her usual chair in this class, doodling in her notebook and wondering who she’s gonna have physics with. She got a mail last night, from her usual physics professor saying that they are starting new semester with ta he picked himself and Luna has been lowkey anxious, because the prof likes her and he is chill, while the new guy can be a psycho, or hate her, or hate everyone.

Brunette bites on her lower lip, tracing today’s date in her notebook with pen for third or fourth time when the door opens. She doesn’t really look up, focused on finishing the month numbers and when she’s done, she writes the date once again under the first one. Valente can see the guy with corner of her eye, but it’s not like she cares much so she gives up on listening to him. All she needs is to pass and listening to some weird snobby physics student after graduation isn’t required to get her grade.

His voice is somewhere in the background and it’s nice voice; Luna likes the sound of it itself, not trying to recognize words. She is by maybe fourteenth date of today when Pedro sitting next to her, pokes her on the ribs and makes her jump.

She immediately looks around, focusing on her friend who just points with his chin towards the desk. Guy leaning back against it watches her with crossed arms and small smirk. His eyebrows are raised slightly and he looks almost amused.

“What’s her name?” he asks someone from first row and when he gets an answer he licks his lips. Brunette is speechless, thinking that she’s fucked; it hasn’t been even ten minutes of the class and the guy remembers her and knows her name, and this isn’t any good in her case.

“Luna,” her ta says, having probably very much fun, judging by the way her name rolled off his tongue. “Did you hear what I said?”

She bites on her lower lip a little too hard when he is waiting for her to say anything. The only thing Luna can do now is shake her head, making her hair bounce around her face, and shrug. “Not really.”

“And why is that?”

“I wasn’t listening,” brunette admits softly, her eyes going straight to him and he smiles widely looking away, shaking his head and she is completely lost.

“Well-” he checks the watch on his wrist. “We don’t have enough time to investigate what was so boring, but for next time I’d recommend listening to me.” He winks at her lazily and turns towards the group, putting his hands into the pockets of his black pants. Luna focuses on his person enough, so she can’t hear anything he says, but she manages to eye up all of his body and she can swear that she sees herself failing this semester. That’s like one hundred percent sure if he will be wearing white shirt like this, and even if he wouldn’t he still has this face; she isn’t able to focus on watching and listening to him at the same time.

“Anyway, you can just call me Matteo, unless the professor comes over, because he would probably kick me out of here.” He chuckles softly, bless the fact Luna catches those words; at least now she knows how to call him in her head.

It would be great actually, but Matteo turns to her with the most smug smirk she has ever seen. “Do you understand, Luna?”

He is hot, yes, yet she hates him already.

Luna runs towards the class quickly. She is late, and fucked and even more late, cursing on the building and her bus and the fact she overslept. This is completely normal for her, but today is Tuesday and it means eight am physics with Balsano, and he is gonna just look at her amused, telling her to sit down and listen. He always tells her to listen, remembering perfectly how she ignored him first day and Luna is still wondering if it’s because he is just mean, or maybe his snobby ego got hurt. Not that she cares, but it’s tiring and annoying and honestly the biggest advantage of the fact he is teaching her is the fact that she can stare at him without being judged. It doesn’t matter if he is walking around the class, if he’s just half sitting on his desk or writing something on the board, there’s always something to look at and Luna Valente isn’t the one to deny herself the only pleasure of those classes.

But damn, she gets most of the shit he tries to teach them and it’s unbelievable. She isn’t sure how, and why, but he actually seems to care about them passing this class and he doesn’t even make it easier, so despite him being an asshole it’s really nice that the prof picked just him.

She takes deep breath before taking the door handle and pressing it softly, hoping that no one notices her entering the class (it happened once during some chem class or something, okay?), yet no, of course she almost bumps into Matteo who was apparently standing by the door. Knowing this asshole he was waiting for her, completely sure that she will be late, but won’t skip, and Luna can’t even open her mouth with excuse when he cuts her off pressing his index finger to his lips and shushing her. Honestly it doesn’t help, because brunette already had no idea what to say and now she is just focused on his mouth, noticing the fact that everyone is busy with their exercises.

Matteo points with his chin at the desk and walks quietly without even prompting her to follow him, but she knows she should. He gives her a paper and starts explaining quietly something about one or two exercises, Luna isn’t really able to focus, so she just watches his lips moving with some words and when tone of his voice changes to asking, she nods or hums with agreement and he seems content with this. Giving her the paper, his fingers brush hers and brunette discovers that they are very cold yet in the way that doesn’t disturb her.

After that she turns around and walks towards her usual seat and ends up copying all exercises from Pedro, because she has no brain for physics today.

The only physics that she is interested in is Matteo Balsano.

She is waiting for him with the rest of the group  in front of the class, watching the clock on her phone, because like he said - if I’m not here for 15 minutes and there’s no mail from me, you can go home or whatever - and even if she likes the classes, no classes is always better and Luna doesn’t feel any bad about it. Girls around her are gossiping around her until one of them throws Matteo in the conversation, taking brunette’s attention. Her head softly moves up as one of them complaining about him teaching them, because if he weren’t, she would’ve already be hitting on him. Luna giggles at this with the rest, who decides to share their favorite parts of Balsano’s body making her laugh a little.

“And you, Luna?” One asks nudging her slightly. “What do you like the most in our hot ta?”

Valente rolls her eyes shaking her head. “I don’t have any favorite.”

Ooooohs sound around her and she’s annoyed already, but neither of them cares. “Is it because you don’t have hots for him at all, or it’s because you like all of him just as much?”

Luna covers her face with her hands. “You all are ridiculous. Leave me alone.”

They want to say something else, but Matteo saves her and for once she is super grateful for his presence. He mumbles some sorry, I got stopped for longer that I wished I were and lets them all get into the room.

Few minutes later Luna is on her chair, her notebook open in front of her as today’s date is in the corner of the page (this time written only once) and actually the class is completely normal. Matteo is walking around while playing with a pen he found on his desk, talking about one of fancier physics thing in casual, easy language, just as if he was talking about the weather.

Luna bites on her pencil slightly, trying to focus on his words and not on his lips when the phone between her knees buzzes. She sighs trying to find a way to be sneaky, but Matteo will probably notice her looking down so she doesn’t try more. Brunette guesses it’s a text message from group chat, wondering if it’s again some meme or one is asking about any test. Apparently it’s Jazmín texting only her, on private, and if it’s on private it must be something important.

he is staring @ you 👀👀👀

Luna sighs rising her head and looking around, but she sees none of the guys watching her. She gives up taking deep breath and asks.

who

Her eyes move to Jazmín who is grinning excitedly and Luna would find it adorable, if it weren’t for the answer she receives.

Matteo, you silly

She hides her phone quickly between her knees almost under her skirt not sure what the hell just happened. She still can see the letters on the screen in her mind and if it’s not done joke made by Jazmín, it must be some overanalyzing the guy just watching around.

Luna slowly takes her head up, resting her back against the chair and completely lost in her notes, but she needs to check, so she glances at Balsano who handles her look with small smirk and turns away as casual as always.

Her phone vibrates once again and she doesn’t want to know what’s that about, but there’s this small part craving to check the message. Brunette gives up eventually and reaches for the phone. Jazmín.

that’s a bad idea to keep your phone there unless you want him to stare @ your legs which he is doing rn btw

Luna chokes on the air, trying to breathe somehow, but it’s hard as fuck when she has no idea how to sit properly. She throws her phone to her bag and pretends the messages from Jazmín never existed. That’s the best.

She doesn’t touch her phone until she’s home just to see nothing new from her redhead friend, but there’s something on muted chat of her group.

✨✨Jazmín✨✨ guys do you like Luna’s skirt from today? because maTTEO TOtaLLY DOes

That’s it for Luna and her having chill, because she gives up on reading all the answers. And there is a shit ton of them.

She wants to give up today; she hadn’t slept almost at all tonight, trying to study, but it all went to hell since she was just half awake. In Luna’s head there’s already her warm bed existing, no pants, fuzzy socks and fluffy blanket. That’s all she needs in this very moment, it’s almost end of physics for today and it would be beautiful finish if not those assholes sending her to Matteo to ask about their last quiz.

She was always talking to the professor for all of her group before Matteo, and when the latter heard who was handling all group’s business, he got incredibly happy that he has another chance to piss her off. He will probably do the same today, yet she is already prepared and her brain is already ignoring most of things he’s saying today.

They all leave quickly, bless them, giving her chance to ask faster. She approaches the desk he is currently sitting by and smiles awkwardly, hoping that he will notice that she’s here. It’s not even second or third time she comes to him, but he lowkey intimidates her, no matter how annoying and mean to her he is with this smirk and hot body.

Luna is completely aware of the fact that he is the teacher there and despite all times she cursed at him inside her head, she has to be nice. It’s not really that difficult, because he spreads around this feeling of being a little above the rest, he is too confident, too sure, to deny him that, and Luna isn’t one to even try; he would make her tiny with two words before even she’d manage to finish her sentence.

Everyone leaves and someone even closes the door behind and Matteo ultimately notices that she’s standing there, waiting.

“Luna,” he grins, as always when he is saying her name. It seems like the L of Luna is really pleasant thing for him to say with the way he always slides it off his tongue. He straightens himself by the desk, lacing his fingers. “How can I help you?”

She pouts softly, looking for the words. “I wanted to ask about last week’s quiz.” Only leave her mouth and maybe it’s her, but he looks almost disappointed.

“Ah, the quiz.” Matteo quickly moves himself, getting up from his chair, crouching by the desk and taking out off the shelf few piles of papers.

Luna feels like whining, but it wouldn’t be right thing to do next to Balsano who can fuck her up at the end of semester, so she keeps her mouth shut.

“I actually have it graded and all, but I don’t really know where are the papers here. I planned to sort this mess before our class, yet one student asked me how was her final grade.” He shakes his head, a little amused. “It’s barely half of the semester and poor girl is already worried.” Or wants to jump you, Luna thinks without changing her face.

“It sounds a little dramatic,” she dares to say and he laughs, getting up and looking at the papers with heavy breath. “Dramatic indeed, I just told her that I had no idea about her final grade and she looked at me completely offended.”

Luna giggles softly, her eyes never leaving him. His moves seem natural, yet a little nervous and it makes her wonder why he’s like this. Brunette has learned his movements while staring at him class after class and now the easiness is a little gone; he is thinking what he is doing, how he is moving, how his voice sounds and Luna likes neither of them. She can just pout a little wondering what happened and throw small joke.

“Well, I can only hope I am not dramatic.” Her tone is light and sounds just like she wanted to, receiving some sparkles of amusement in his eyes. “You’re not. You seem more judgy right now.” Matteo throws randomly while flipping through papers and searching for her group.

“I’m not judgy.” Brunette crosses her arms.

“You are watching me so carefully, I’m not sure how to act.” Chuckle leaves his lips and Luna shakes her head.

“I’m not-” she starts, but he interrupts.

“Good, then help me with the other pile and you will be able go home and nap. I doubt you got anything from today’s class. You should sleep more next time.”

Luna looks at him surprised, not sure if she’s offended by his demanding tone or if she’s surprised that he noticed her falling asleep. Probably both.

At the end of the day, though, this demanding tone is pretty hot

(In the evening she finds all info from today’s class in one email from him)

Her thoughts are going wild.

Luna isn’t sure what causes this, probably hormones, but suddenly everything Matteo Balsano does is thrice as hot as before.

The way he walks around the class, passing her always with small glance. The way he crosses his arms, makes her want to slide her hands up and down his shoulders and check how his skin feels. The way he smiles when someone asks silly question; he always looks down, grinning widely and after few seconds answers, keeping it all cool. The way he leans against the desk, half sitting on it makes her wonder how it would be to be pressed to it by him.

This all is driving her crazy, causing her losing her mind and making her close her legs together tight as soon as he enters the class. Her breathing automatically speeds up while this damn warmth spreads around her entire body. She’s seen him not shaved, or wearing glasses, rolling up sleeves of his white shirt or ditching the tie. All of them are hot as fuck and if it weren’t for the rest of cool she has, she would’ve already been screwed in her group, because girls decided to make ranking of hot, hotter, the hottest versions of Matteo and when they keep asking her she just shakes her head.

But the truth is that it’s impossible for Luna to go to physics class and remain focused on the subject. This is completely unfair, that they let guy looking like this teach students; teach girls like her, and expect that she will pass with good grades.

Today his shirt isn’t white, it’s light blue and Luna wonders how it’s possible for a color to fit someone so well. She doesn’t even try to cover her staring with care about her grade; but at this point no one cares, they left her alone with her sinful ideas and thoughts, busy with their business while all she needs to do is to blush as little as possible when he winks at her.

She fails.

“Luna, could you please stay few minutes? I have this thing to tell you guys about the grades and there’s the test.” Matteo asks softly, before dismissing the rest when he’s done with the topic for today.

She nods, not sure if she heard correctly, but at this point she would agree for everything.

Pedro nudges her with small smirk and she sticks her tongue out at him, pretending that she’s all great, her mind is clear, and that she doesn’t imagine her hot ta naked in her head.

Brunette takes her time gathering her things from the desk, not hurrying at all. Then she stands up, walking towards him while he is super focused on his laptop.

She wants to be the laptop suddenly.

He makes her sit next to him on another chair and begins to talk about the grades. He says something about how he would like them to start studying for next week already, because despite the fact he has everyone passing, some are really close to lose it if they screw up next test. Luna only keeps nodding and smiling a little, she knows who to tell to get their shit together, and who can lowkey chill (no one).

Matteo sighs opening another excel and brunette moves closer to him, not sure what now, but those are still grades and she’s already lost, not knowing how the fuck he has it all organized. She focuses on his scent, on the way his hair softly curl and how one of his arm is on back of her chair. Luna tries, completely casually, to lean back towards his arm and when she does so, his fingers go to her hair. He starts slowly messing with few curls using his fingers and it’s distracting enough for her not to be able to focus on the grades he is pointing at.

She actually misses the moment he shuts up, looking at her amused and waiting for her to say anything, but Luna wakes up too late for it to be normal.

Matteo sighs softly. “I’m going to mail you this, okay? Just make sure they study.”

Brunette nods, receiving nod back from him and it hints her that she should get up and leave. Not that she wants it, though she has to and she is eighty percent sure she makes it casually.

Yet as soon as she reaches for the handle of the door, Matteo clears his throat. Luna turns to him and he looks almost sheepishly.

“Not that it’s my last one, but you took my pen, Luna.” She looks what she’s holding with her fingers and snorts at herself, before turning to him and walking slowly towards his desk.

He smiles at her when she places the pen next to his laptop awkwardly, because he is watching all of her movements, she smiles back and is about to turn away when he catches her hand and pulls to his chest.

Luna almost chokes, her bag falls to the ground with loud thump while his eyes, too dark to be his usual small brown, are set on hers full of something she can’t quite catch. Her heart is beating definitely too fast to manage this for a long time when one of his arms is keeping her tight to him.

“I hope you won’t sue me for that,” he murmurs in low voice, as if to himself, not to her and before Luna can blink his lips are on hers, hungry and desperate.

She can only kiss him back, letting him take it all when he reaches for it.

She sits down in her desk, trying to cover this hickey on her thigh with her skirt and sighs wondering what this asshole prepared for today. She never knows; he never tells her and she never asks and it works for both of them. Now he is set on making sure everyone has a chance to fix their grades and Luna is mostly done, because there’s so much of this shit, she can’t feel any grateful.

He walks in with his usual easiness, almost like he’s aware of the fact that he’s hotter than all of them combined and without any hesitation takes the papers out of his bag. Brunette growls slightly, hating the exercises and looks at Pedro who nods, and she knows he will let her copy today. Bless Pedro.

Matteo starts with first row, giving the papers around and his smirk is almost suspicious. When he passes Luna his fingers brush skin of her arm slowly, making her shiver and she needs to breathe before she notices what happened. There’s apparently no way she can copy from Pedro, because this ass made different questions and honestly she is gonna hit him with one of his heavy astronomy books this evening.

As soon as Matteo is back to his desk, he takes his phone and Luna isn’t even interested in what he’s doing there now. He screwed her copying plans and he can burn in hell, no matter how hot he looks without his shirt on. Or any clothes in general.

Her phone buzzes and Valente can only hope it’s not Jazmín. She growls again, moving her eyes to him by the desk, and he looks incredibly smug.

Solve your exercises, little lady

Luna snorts at him and shakes her head.

asshole

She just types and locks her phone. Matteo seems to have all fun of the world; he chuckles under his breath.

That’s not what you were saying last night

When she’s not answering for few minutes, almost boiling inside he types next message and she just wants him to leave her alone for this class.

Come on, those are easy, and you can always copy from the guy next to you

Brunette shakes her head at him.

you put different exercises so how am i supposed to do it 🙃🙃🙃

Matteo bites on his lower lip, but it doesn’t hide the big grin he has on his face. Smug little shit. Luna snorts and writes her name in the corner of the page, hoping that she can get some points for correct last name and date.

There’s another notification from her phone, and amused face of Matteo makes her even more curious.

Are you sure they are different?

She frowns scrunching her nose, completely confused before she takes Pedro’s paper from his hands without asking. He lets out surprised sound and rolls his eyes at her as Luna discovers that exercises are the same, they are just messed in different order and she glares at Matteo annoyed. She wants to text him, but there’s already message waiting for her.

Stop pouting I’m gonna make you dinner tonight Ps you look pretty today

Brunette almost giggles at this. Matteo is hopeless and that’s all she can think about before startled Pedro pokes her on the ribs.

“Who are you texting?” he asks with frown, probably wanting her to chill her ass for him to focus on exercise two.

Luna bites her lower lip before throwing a glance at Matteo. “No one.”

[roommateofmyimagination-blog]

Chapter 1: Moving in

                                              ✗ Adrian  ✗ 

“You sure you don't need help moving in?” Mom asked as i was moving boxes into my car.

“Uh?” I looked back at her, “Oh. Nah. It’ll be fine.” I set the box down and counted all of my things. “Am i forgetting anything?” I scratched my head.

“Your guitar?” Mom looked into my trunk as well.

“Fuck!!” I ran back inside and up the stairs to my room and grabbed my guitar case and my guitar. Gently putting it in the case, i looked around my now slightly empty room. “Forgetting anything else?” I stood up, spinning in a slow circle. “Oh shit yeah.” i slapped my forehead. “Demyan? Where are you?” I walked to my bed, shifting around the blankets. Flipping the blankets over, i found Demyan lying in the center of the bed. “Cmon, get up. We’re leaving.”

Demyan made little grumbling noises. “No. It is too bright outside.” he tried to waddle away.

“Nuh-uh.” I picked him up gently. “You are comin with me. No questions.”I stroked his little head with my finger. “Can you sleep in my pant pocket?”

“How long is the drive?” He yawned a bit.

“Not long, but i do have to unpack. If my roommate isn’t there, ill let you out. We got a deal?” i asked him.

He took a moment to respond, “We do.” he latched onto my shirt and crawled down into my front pocket. “You are lucky this is a deep pocket.” he said from inside.

“Do you want in the guitar case?” I chuckled.

He poked his little head out, looking down at the case. “Would you leave it open for me?”

“Probably not.” I bent back down near the case closing it up.

“Then i shall stay here for now. I may crawl out into the car.” He wiggled himself back into my pocket.

“Just let me know if you do.”  i heaved my case over my shoulder and made my way back down the stairs. Seeing Dad hanging out at the bottom of the stair case. “Hey.” I said before he saw me.

“Hello.” He turned to face me. “Will you be coming back to visit?” he asked, leaning on the railing.

“Possibly, if i have time.” I stood on the last step before the floor. “Why? Aren’t you glad im leaving the house?”

“A little.” He looked towards the  front door. “It won’t be the same without you here sometimes. You are our last child. We do wish to see you as often as we can.”

“I’ll see if i can.” I rubbed my head.

“You should visit to play for your mother. “ dad extended his hand.

“Ill try.” i grabbed his hand, and we shared a firm handshake. Dad smiled a bit and slapped my shoulder with his other hand. He walked with me when i went outside to find mom reorganizing my boxes.  “Ma, leave my shit alone.” I walked up to her, taking the box from her hands and putting it back in the trunk.

“I was just making life easier for you.” she put her hands on her hips and made a stern face.

“Uhuh, Sure.” i smirked at her, moving a stray lock of hair out of her face and behind her ear with the rest of her dark brown hair that had bits of graying showing.. “Thanks mom.”

“Your welcome.” She smiled. “Call if you need help.”

“I will. I think i have some buddies who go to school there.” I walked to the passenger side of the car and put my guitar there.

“Your druggy friends?” Dad said from the door way.

Mom gave him a stern look. Dad shrugged in response. “Don’t you have a friend there who is a senior this year?” She asked.

“Ya, why?” I asked. Closing the door.

“The fraternity friend you mention?” She crossed her arms.

“Eric. Yeah. What about it?” I put my hand on my hip, shfting my weight to my left leg.

“I like the idea of you joining a fraternity, but not his.” she looked sad.

“Frats arent my thing. But Frat parties are a different stroy.” I leaned onto the car.

“Dont pass all of your classes this semester, we’re not paying for school.” Dad sounded mad.

“Im gonna pass. Im just gonna party too.”I smirked. “I’m a high functioning druggy.”

“Be safe. Have fun.” mom put her hand on my shoulder, “But get your Bachelor as well.”

“I will.” I grabbed her hand. “Im going to be the photographer who takes photos for your advertisements.”  mom chuckled softly. “Now, i gotta go. Ill see you around.” I pulled mom closer and gave her a kiss on the cheek, and lifting a peace sign to my dad who hesitantly did the same back. I got in the car, put it in reverse and was out of the driveway and headed to campus for my first year living on campus. My first year I was living at home, but i finally convinced dad to let me leave on campus for the first time and get a college experience.

“Are we there yet?”  Demyan said sleepily as he sat in a cupholder.

“I just got on campus let me find my dorm building and park.” I poked him on the head and looked for my building. After finding it, I park the car backwards, Trunk facing the sidewalk. Turning the car off i hop out of the car. “You staying in the cupholder, or back in the pocket?” I went to the other side and pulled out my guitar, backpack that hard art supplies in it, and all my camera bags.

“I can be out in the daylight, you know that, correct?” Demyan said as he crawled into the passenger seat.  “I just choose not too.” “I do know that, but pets aren’t allowed here. So in the pocket or in my camera bag.” I pointed at the bag that was hanging from my hip.

“I shall get in your bag. Your pocket is not the most comfortable.” he waddled up to the bag and hopped in when i opened it enough to let him in.

By the time i made it up to the third floor. I hunched over at the top of the stair case. “Fuck. This. SHIT!” i huffed as i placed my hands on my knees. “Art students and stairs are not FUCKIN FUN!” I slung all my bags back onto my shoulders and stood up straight. “This is all going to be worth it. When i fucking finish and unpack every-fuckin-thing.” I stomped my way down the hallway, and found my room. Knocking on the door, I waited a moment, then tested the door knob. It was unlocked, so i went in. No one was in the room at the moment but looked like my roommate was already moved in and unpacked. “Ah, guess he aint here….Hm, hope hes cute.” I set all my stuff down and let demyan out. “Stay out of sight okay?”

“Will do.” Demyan waddled and bounced over to the dresser on the empty side of the room and crawled into it. “I will be here.”

“Alright.” I pulled out my phone and looked at the temperature. “A bit too hot for doing this with clothing on….” I put my hands on my hip. “Fuck it im going shirtless.” I took my top shirt off then took my tshirt off.

“Do not let anyone see that chain…” Demyan mumbled from his space.

“I was just working on that.” I huffed, shimmying the chain down and pulling my pants on over it. “Ill be back.” I turned and walked out of the room and back down the stairs and too the car. This took me several runs to do by myself. But i eventually got everything into the room. With my last run, i walked into the dorm room carrying several boxes.

“Oh hi!” a voice chirped up.

“Ah.” I stopped and put the boxes down. “Sorry, didn’t see ya.” I wiped my hands together, then onto my pants. Turning around i faced my dormmate. “Sup.” I held my fist out for a fist bump.

“U-uuuhm.” He said when he saw me. His face was turning red as his hand was just held out into the air for a handshake. “Uhm! Yeah, Hi. its okay!” He looked up to meet my eyes and turned his hand into a fist and bumped his knuckles with me. “I’m Valentine. Valentine Hicks.”

“Adrian Howell.” I replied back, eyeing him up and down.

“What?” he said, turning his head to the side.

“Have we met before? You look somewhat familiar?” I ran my hands through my hair and tied it all up in a messy top bun.

“Hmmm, Did you go to school here your first year?” He asked.

“Yeah.”

“Art major?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you must have saw me in the building.” He smiled.

“Foundations.” Is all i said.

“Huh?” He tilted his head again.

“Foundations room, you’re the talkative kid who was there that day.” I pointed at his hair. “I remember that hair with that attitude.”

“Oh!” he clapped his hands together, “you did that sunset painting! It was so pretty!”

I turned away from him and started unpacking my stuff. “So whats your major?” i cut open all my boxes and dumped my clothes on the bed and floor.

“Fashion designer.” He said proudly, when i looked over at him he stood very proudly too. “Whats yours?” he asked, walking up to me. “Need help?”

“Major in Photography with a minor in film. Might change a bit.” I started seperating my pants from my shirts, from my socks, and from my boxers. “And nah. I got this.”

“What would change?” He asked, sitting on my bed and helping fold my clothes neatly. “You have too much stuff thats ripped, stained in paint and in black.” he pouted a bit.

“Its my style.” I eyed him up and down again. “I might double major or double minor. Thinking of adding music to it all if i can.”

“You write music or play an instrument?” he looked very interested.

“You ask a lot of fuckin questions, cupcake.” I sighed lightly, folding a pair of pants. “I play guitar and piano, and i dont write. But i do sing.”

“Maybe i can write something for you?” He smiled, blushing lightly. “I know how to write music, and i write literature as well.” his shoulders tensed up and he looked down then back up.

“Yo, that’d be pretty sick.” I grabbed all the now folded shirts and opened the dresser already placed in the room. I opened the drawer that demyan was sleeping in and put the shirts around him so he could sleep on something soft, the closed it but left it cracked a bit.

“Uhm, what?” Valentine tilted his head with a blank stare.

“I’d sing somethin you wrote.” I paused, then smirked. “If its good ya know.”

Valentine seemed to glow with a bright ray as he bounced up onto his feet. “Deal!”

“D-Deal?” I stuttered, stepping back from his sudden springe. “I’ll write you a song! Challenge accepted!” his bright smile turned wicked fast, “But, lets make a bet?”

“Oh?” I stepped up to him, crossing my arms and leaning my head down closer to him. “Whats this deal involve?” i cocked my head to the side, eyeing him up again. Something about this kid smelled nice too. He smelled like something sweet, maybe its his cologne or his shampoo and soap. Either way, he smelled delicious.

“If i win, I get to dress you as a model!” He started to blush then stood up straight to meet my stare.

“So imma be yer play thing?” I asked. Something about this kid was off. I could almost smell it.

“I didn’t say that, but maybe.” He sounded cocky yet shy.

“Aight, cupcake.” I stood up straight. “You win, ill let ya dress me and i’ll perform the song for ya in front of an audience.”

“What?” he sounded shocked.

“Ya heard me. Ill perform in an outfit you give me.” stepping closer to him, making him walk backwards until his back hit the wall. “If i win, you do whatever i say ok?”

Valentine looked at the wall then back up at me. “What does you winning intell?” he cocked his head.

“Means the song you wrote aint for me. I can’t sing it.” I put my palm against the wall beside his head. “And if i cant sing it, i don’t like it. Means a lose cupcake. Then you'll do what i ask ya too.” Valentine looked at my hand then back to me. “Deal?” I smirked wickedly.  

Valentine took a moment before he responded. “Deal.” He stuck his hand out.

“Aight.” I took his hand in mine with a tight grip. “Good luck, Rubylocks.” letting his hand go, i backed up and went back to putting my shit away

“Rubylocks?” Valentine repeated me. “You can call me, Val.” he crossed his arms and cocked his hips to the side. “Whats with cupcake too?”

“Your hair.” I pointed at his head. “Your hair reminds me of a red velvet cupcake. So cupcake for short.” Val looked startled and embarrassed by that. “Is it dyed?”

“My hair? No its natural.” He puffed his cheeks.

“Ah cool.” I paused for a second, “I like it, its a nice color on ya.” I put up all my clothes then went about finding a place to put all of my photography equipment.

“What do i call you?” Valentine asked, hanging out on his side of the room.

“Whatever ya want.” i stood up and grabbed spare boxes and moved them to the corner.

“Ill call you Adri then.” he sounded chipper.

I looked over my shoulder at him and stared for a moment. Laughing through my nose i went back to my business. “Whatever suits ya, man.”

Most of the rest of the day, as Val helped me unpack even if i told him not too, we talked about our interests and what classes we had. We figured out that we had quite a few classes together. Wasn’t that shocking we’re both in the same kind of department. Val was wearing my ass out, in what felt like a good way, kid was really talkative and friendly. He was kinda humorous to be around. I got up from the desk in the room and leaned against the dresser, letting demyan crawl into my pocket as i shifted through my clothes to find my cigarettes.

“Imma head out for a bit.” I stuffed the small box into the back pocket of my pants.

“Its late, and we have a curfew.” Val looked at the clock. “Where are you going?”

“I like bein out at night. Plus i need to smoke, and i cant do that here. Id get my ass in deep shit if they caught me.” I walked to the door and opened it, “We’ll hang tomorrow. Shop for the room if ya want.”

“Oh, ok sounds like a plan.” Val sounded happy about that.

“Ill be back eventually.” I waved him off and walked out into the hallway and took the stairs down and out into the night environment.  I walked around a corner and into an alleyway between the dorm buildings and leaned against the wall, pulling my cigarettes and lighter, looking around for any on lookers. “You can come out.”

Demyan shuffled around in my pocket and crawled out and down my pant’s leg onto the ground where he turned into his human form, this time with clothes on. He stretched his arms behind his head, baring his slightly exposed back to me. Demyan turned to face me where i could get a good look at him. He wore a short yet loose black jacket over what looked light a form fitting longsleeved crop top that barely covered his chest with a gold choker with deep red gems around his neck, going down to have a gold sash holding up his poofy black pants that cinched at his calves with tights around his legs that left him bare footed.

“That was indeed a much needed stretch.” he said as he stood with his hands on his hips. “You have an interesting roommate.”

“He talks a lot.” I put the cigarette in my mouth and lit it. “Think you can stay outta sight?” “I believe that i can.” he brought his hand up to play at the choker around his neck. “Did you notice anything new about yourself?” he had an evil smirk on his lips.

“What?” i asked, speaking while holding the cigarette between my lips.

“You know what I am referring to.” he stepped closer to me, his body covered in shadows while his amber eyes stood out in the darkness. “Your sense of smell. It is stronger now,” He cocked his head. “Your smell is more sensitive now, thus meaning you can smell better.”

I pulled the cigarette from my lips and blew out the smoke away from Demyan. “Is that why i can smell this smoke so much more?”

“Yes, that and Valentine. You could smell it too, could you not? How sweet he smelled, and how warm?” he exposed his sharp fangs. “You can sense heat now as well from warm-blooded creatures.” his lips curled to that smirk of his, “you can see better now yes? Even hear better now?”

“I haven’t noticed that yet.” I put the cigarette back in my mouth and took a long drag.

“You will, hopefully. It is apart of your new powers.” he sounded proud. “It is just a common side effect you will have, now that you are in contract with me.”

“Am i gonna turn into a vampire?” I asked blowing out the smoke in front of him.

With a simple wave of his hand, “Not exactly. You have vampire bat like qualities now, and when i show you how to use your powers. You could argue that it is vampire like.”  

“When are ya gonna teach me?” I raised my brow at him, “Do i have to spin and twirl and some shit?”

“Possibly, that depends.” he chuckled wickedly. “You will learn soon, my pup. I will be getting in touch with a friend of mine. He and his human will help teach you.”

“You have friends?” I laughed.  

“I do. I have friends in dark places, Adrian.” He stepped closer to me, and held my chin up, “Some i advise you to respect, become friendly with, some even to be scared of….and when you meet those types, you will know when, I advise you…” he paused, “Listen carefully to me, when you do meet them….Run.”

“Why should i fuckin run?” I snarled at him.

“Oh my pup.” he cooed softly yet dark. “Your fangs, they are too small. You can not face them like you are.” he cupped my face with his hands, that felt so cold yet so comforting and strong. “They have strong bonds, but, if you stay with me and you listen to me, do as I say.” he smiled what could have looked soft if it were not for his piercing, spine chilling eyes staring at me, “we will be strong. Maybe unbreakable someday. But you must bond with me, do not fight me, pup.”

Pulling out of his hold, “Whatever.” I finished my cigarette and dropped it, putting it out with my foot. “So is your friend a vampire bat too?”

“Ah there are some like me, they are family members.” he backed up, “But not all of us are the same. My friend, he is a wolf. His human has powers that of a werewolf.”

“Are you all some kind of fairy-tale fuckin creatures?” I slumped my shoulders, looking at Demyan dumbfounded.

“No, we...My kind, is not your so called fairy-tales.” He paused and chuckled, “We are the creatures you humans think you made up. But we take form as an animal that closely resembles it.” he jutted his finger towards me, “Now you humans. You are the mythical creature you think are false. You Adrian, my pup, are a vampire.” He smiled innocently and put his hand on his chest. “I am but an innocent vampire Bat.” He put so much emphasis on the word bat.

“And these so called, ‘heros’, are the mythical as well?” I rolled my eyes at him.

“They are more so just like their partner.” he crossed his arms. “So say a human meets a cat. They would get the abilities of a cat and look somewhat like one. Ears and a tail, all those likes.”

“So why the fuck do i not have wings?” I raised my brow to Demyan.

“My pup, Do i look like i have wings attached to my back?” Demyan had a tone of voice that sounded like he had a bad taste in his mouth from my question.

“You turn into a bat.” I said mockingly, “you turn into a human whos naked the first time and now clothed.” i started waving my hand around flamboyantly “the fuck i know, you could sprout bat wings on your butt for all i fuckin know.”

“That seems unpractical, but believe what you will.”  he shrugged. “You should get back to your room. It is late, and as much as you are a creature of the night. You need sleep.��

Clicking my tongue, I walked past him out of the alleyway, “And you?”

“I am going to get my dinner and meet some of my friends.” He flashed his teeth at me.

“....Don’t go killin no one okay?” i looked at him concerned. Would Demyan actually kill a human because he wanted dinner? “I do not feed often in my human form.” he turned his back to me, “Leave the window by your bed cracked open, I shall return.”

“You promise?” I asked, turning away from him.

“We are connected now, I will not be gone for long.” he started to walk away. “I will give you a full understanding of who i am and all at another time. Good night Adrian.”

“Yeah yeah.” I waved him off and made my way back to my dorm. I quietly opened the door to not wake Val up, if he was asleep. I popped my head in.

“Well, you're late!” Val was sitting cross legged on his bed, wearing a loose shirt and shorts. “Does it take you awhile to smoke?”

“I was walkin too.” I came in and shut the door, “Can a guy not go on a walk?” I walked over to my bed and sat down taking my shoes off.

“Are you not going to shower?” he asked. Taking his hair down from his bun and shaking his head lightly.

I watched his hair cascade down onto his shoulders and past. His hair really did look nice on his pale skin with his blue eyes.

“Ill shower in the mornin.” I stood up and pulled my shirt off and started to pull my pants down, but heaved them right back up as i felt the metal chain along my hips.

“Why are you stripping!?” Val shouted, then covered his mouth.

“Shhhhhh!!” I hissed through my teeth. “I aint strippin. I dont like sleepin with a shirt on and my pants were bunched up and fuckin my junk.”

“Ah, oh. Sorry.” He blushed, then quickly crawled under his covers. “Good night, Adrian!”

“Night, cupcake.” I crawled onto the bed, leaning over to crack the window open then plugging my earbuds into my phone and put them in my ears, while getting under the covers. I turned onto my side facing the wall so my back was to valentine. Tomorrow was probably going to be a long day. Demyan will hopefully tell me more about what i sold my life into and actually teach me something. I hope the...person...he’s going to get to teach me isnt an asshole like Demyan is.