#like babe just bc you left the church does not mean the church left you!

[dykefaggotry]

the way this website balks at the term "culturally christian" is so funny to me like. oh shit you mean the religion our government and culture is structured around might impact you even if you're atheist and ESPECIALLY if you're ex-christian? noooo it's the people using it to describe a phenomenon of western culture that are wrong

[castle-dominion]

6x6 get a clue trying to liveblog during my family watch even tho I can't

lmao jesus I WAS RIGHT

Ah yes, the first apartment Nice place Nice orchid or flower or whatever remember rick's cockroach races? This place is genuinely really nice! Pi is so happy!

heck yeah dumpster diving I mean, chill castle.

Pi: What colour is it? RC: RC: Free oOH BEES (it is genuinely important! There is a job out there for everyone!) fruit on the table lol

crap it looks like there is no transcript on livejournal yay there is a dustjackets transcript on my second liveblog through aka my clip gathering run! RC: No, it’s not good. I was hoping for squalor. I was counting on squalor. Because Alexis cannot last in squalor. I was just hoping this whole thing would blow over. She would see Pi for the ambition free hippie that he is. And now he’s morphed into some … new age crusader? It’s a though he’s turned being a charming man-child into a career.

charming manchild into a career? KB: Now that doesn’t sound familiar, does it?

ryan is pretty but hair is too short. I used to look a lot like him but then he cut his hair & we were different & then I shaved my sides & looked way different & then I cut my hair over the top & now we look vaguely similar again lol See? called it, crucefix Where's all the blood tho? lanie & me same brain Remember when George Crabtree kept getting orders from murdoch but george already did all the stuff he needed to do? that's ryan in this moment. He is a detective in his own right he doesn't need beckett giving the orders

Ryan looks pretty, we know that, but dang esposito bisexual outfit right there (I need a pic of those two together, but ig I could get an individual pic of each)

RC: Maybe her dark secret has something to do with the dark ages

Castle might be right? coming from beckett? YES I FOUND ANOTHER TRANSCRIPT Yeah so uh you know what? A ton of pagan & occult symbols actually have their origins in christianity, & a lot of christian symbols come from other cultures & their paganism heathenry & mythology & stuff (esp in grecoroman period judeo-christian media, lots of grecoroman pagan crossover) I'm literally wearing pants with a water earth fire air alchemy symbols bc I'm a christowitch

lmao "satanic" WAIT DID YOU SEE THAT HAND IMAGE? PI HAD A SIMILAR ONE

Nice, get together for dinner every few months even tho u'r not that close...

RC: Which leaves us with my theory. Our victim was dabbling with black magic and she conjured up a demon. she did not conjure up a demon lmao

KB: Or maybe she ran afoul of some obscure religious sect and they sacrificed her to their pagan deity. well fuck you. maybe she got into trouble with the people in a people way, she disrespected their religion & they killed her for that, not bc of their pagan deity Ok but wait, bac in s1 Castle was really smart, he looked atbeckett, listened to her accent, & was able to determine intimate details about her life & her parent's death.

Washington Heights again

is this the freemason one? lmao (yes it is)

First intro babes!

RC: Ritual markings. Left by some unholy initiation. KB: They’re more like surgical scars. RC: *squints at it* (not clipping)

RC: I’m telling you, our monk, our victim, and these symbols are all connected Me: Yeah, the symbols are hers & the monk killed her. The connection is susannah richmond or w/e her names was

JE: Ah, I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Castle might be right about this Da Vinci Code thing. *castle opens his mouth to gloat.* JE: don’t ruin it.

You can see esposito go to his pocket for one of those mint spray things

Ooh a nice sword! (esposito hoping he gets to play with a sword this ep) What kind of ink? Yeah lol where is the morgue in relation to the precinct

Nice location here

lmao it is the freemasons! Oh in the capital city in the privince next to mine has christian & greek folklore symbols & roads & churches & politicians. cool conspiracy theory stuff my uncle mentioned lol. or maybe like the cool booze bottle

She could have made that symbol up herself ooh idea: her hands were burned to hide the symbols (or the symbols burned her hands)

Nice writing!! (too well lined though) I love being multilingual Is castle a freemason?

"monk's dome" lol

Ryan is so smart! He checked medical criminal stuff! KR: So that pattern of scars on our monk’s dome was from a procedure called stereotactic brain surgery. KB: Okay, can that get us an ID? Because medical records are confidential. (I'm surprised that is true in the usa) KR: Prison records aren’t. I took a shot that the guy did some time. Nineteen men in the system had this surgery, but only one had scars that were an exact match to the monk. Benjamin Wade. He got surgery to remove a tumor while doing a stretch at Greenhaven for an attempted murder.

btw esposito outfit <3

Did you see ryan flick his hand like that when he touched the railing?

wait what if this is alexis' house? KR: Look at this place. I’m going to get hepatitis just breathing the air in. said "nypd" pretty quiet Lol drugs it's the monk! & a blonde woman! What if he can't talk?

lmao silent but deadly I'm making a lot less comments & it is harder to write them down & organize them & I am missing vital watching-pretty-people & visual clues by writing. I mean I partially touch type, but I am also watching what I write on the screen & not entirely touch typing so it is hard for me to do this while watching with my family. I'm able to type this paragraph so much rn because my lil bro is upstairs stirring a batch of nuts & bolts. It is also hard bc I am using the literary/verbal part of my brain to type while also using it to listen to the show, at least one is typing output & one is auditory input, but still, I am hard of hearing & I have captions on so... yeah

Wade: Actually, I am a monk. I just learned to think before I speak. I believe this guy, this monk.

Yeah I believe him, counsel Pointing to a mysterious stranger. also brown long hair not long brown hair? Bro he didn't think he NEEDED to remember details abt it "it's what sells the lie" & then he gives a detail RC & me: nice, wicked Freuidian detail XD why didn't you say that detail earlier too?

JE: Wait, you guys are on the same page about this guy? KB: Not exactly. I think he’s guilty because of his contact with the victim, the stalking, and his history of violence. RC: I think he’s guilty because of his contact with the victim, the stalking, and his role in a sinister conspiracy involving Freemasons. (clipping)

freemason black belt lmao glad I already quoted this

RC: Way better than that. He was a patriot spy. He wrote codes and cyphers during the American Revolution. Meaning, this letter could be the key to finding the great secret of the Masons, enshrined somewhere within the city. KB: Why, because you want it to be? RC: Partly. RC: And because it’s the only story that makes sense. A shadowy brotherhood guarding Rose’s secret for all eternity. Susannah got too close, so they sent their monk assassin to kill her.

mum: didn't he buy his bar bc there was a treasure underneath it?

sketch artist for the time not the sketch?

Impress me There are times i wish she'd stayed in DC esposito's face will clip that if I get the chance (yep)

interesting shirt beckett has there lol

"up to their hoods" lol (lol)

stained glass baby Castle has a copy of the letter?

ah the ash heap is the altar! Makes sense!

interesting prayer candle corner interesting audio too weird little guy with a mouth lmao lil bro: It looks like gandalf I think the pics of the symbols are these places, see the texture? btw the stations of the cross are rly dirty. need to be cleaned.

Hephaestus is the god of blacksmiths or smth, right? he was thrown from a mountain (like me) & got ugly & also disabled? (btw from what I've heard from disbaled ppl, handicap is an outdated term but still used, cripple is a slur, & lame is a slur.)

since the 1700s? etna's forge! field trip third grade XD Nice scene with the low angle & fast walking

sexy place KB: Wow. This is incredible. Shouldn’t there be a docent or some sweaty guy hammering metal standing around? RC: Yeah. (he raises his voice in a british accent) Hello? Is there a smithy here about? We have travelled many a mile – (he’s interrupted by BECKETT’S hand on his arm) – is this annoying you?

Oooh. (he inspects them) Have it, want it, need it, got it, need it, got it, need it... (he did that with the cars too in s8) *pulls a sword on him* *castle just makes a comment* RC: Well now, that wouldn’t happen to be a double edged saber with a crenellated hilt, now would it? Zorro?

OH YEAH I FORGOT CASTLE WAS A FENCER"YOURE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF" PRINCESS BRIDE REFERENCE where is beckett tho?? WHAT SIGN SHALL BE REVEALED? So did she beat him in the swordfight? what is this guy talking about? (clipping)

OH WHAT IF IT IS LIKE SPYCATIONS so castle DIDN'T beat him?

Good old ren faires. Why does beckett's phone beep when she opened the photo?

Like the ghost episode, he couldn't tear down the murder building bc it was a historical site (man looks like my culinary teacher)

2500 is a lot of money but ig if some ppl have spent more... Ah that's why it was so pretty, it was hand written Castle's scalp lol

she never acknowledges his sword fighting? I feel like ryan & even esposito would be impressed by this. except that yk... it was fake... KB: Castle, you didn’t really believe that this was going to lead to some great Freemason treasure, did you? RC: No. Of course not. That would be foolish. (BECKETT nods once, unconvinced) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home to wallow in what is perhaps the most disappointing day of my crime solving career. KB: Okay. I’ll come by later and try to cheer you up. Me: *lenny face*

oh hey btw esposito has cut his hair!

IT IS THE SAME GUY KR: Well, his name and address are bogus. Everything on the application is. None of this information is real.

cheque in this context

Yeah they only showed a little bit of the dinner, I feel like it may have gotten worse as the dinner progressed Castle really IS a dad.

MR: Of course I'm right! Love her so much

Smart trace? No way. That would n't work. It would need to be straight on. IT'S A MAP!

esposito wearing ryan-core outfit here Ryan looks even more ryan-core WOW THEY ARE WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT LMAO clipping the saga of tracking down the cab (also for the outfits lol)

castle walks Right Behind ryan like that lol so weird (he just... takes his place) (btw just noticed, ryan's shirt was not perfectly ironed. I love that fact.) *puts it on the board* castle is smart/sexy af except the shape was not /that/ good RC: the killer didn't want anyone else to figure it out Me: but susannah figured it out so other people surely also could

lil bro: put your hand in it DON'T PUT YOUR HAND IN IT she speaks french? AND russian? mum already saw the letter lol Oris. Oral. latin for mouth.

he's playing her (could clip but won't) (actually mu lil bro who is my voice of reason in my clipping suggested I do) I saw the thing was oddly broken, like it was pasted on the wall nah bro you would see a seam. You WOULD see a seam.

tomb? blood SWORD How can u tell they are fresh? it's stone castle u r not moving it.

I NOTICED the world ball! There are stars painted there!

The world turns! Mum: Booby trap? (remember tho, how does this work? do they have a hydraulic system? like the last treasure hunting episode, under the gun No they are FAKE half dimes Mum: I TOLD you about the booby trap WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN?

going to the chapel lol

He would not have made an anagram of his name candle wax IS a survival food... RC: Theodore Rose … is … head or toes. No. Theodore Rose … he do rooster. (he laughs) That’s inappropriate. Okay, Theodore Rose, Theodore Rose. Deer shot oreo. Oh, they didn’t have Oreos in the 1700s.

(on phone) What's up Beckett? We don't get to see the rescue, them making fun of caskett?

EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING-- MAKE THEM ASSUME IT IS JUST A GAME they just... got em out lmao, not showing us that

oh it WASN'T just a game! crowdsourced treasure hunt lol she would NOT know that sort of family lore lmao. I have a ton of family lore & don't know any of it, anything that cool or important.

not lonely, talking abt family lore oh it WAS a big family myth he's awkward. He killed her. Similar nose! As DNA similarities!

mum: half dimes? aren't they nickels? Wow. That is sad. "the people" aren't going to receive them, the historical museum will. You could have sold them to the museum to put your aunt in assisted living.

We get to see thier shoes! (& also ryan's pants match his jacket) Ah, I was wondering how she figured it out when noone else did! She had been to weddings there! both: here we go again RC: I gotta go see alexis JE: *frowns in confusion* The girl & the dad know, but not esposito. (clipped, probably best as a gif tho)

actions speak louder than words

Alexis doubts beckett? But she loves her! WAIT DID PI & ALEXIS PROPOSE?

Make-up ice-cream my beloved SAD "I need time to stop being mad" valid lol

Ok so I did NOT comment as much as I usually do & it was very rushed & I'm not pleased with this, & I did not get any clips or pics (like a pic of rysposito walking out there) but hopefully I'll get the chance to get them.

Uh yeah so where was I? I'm done this ep. Good for me. I really feel like I had smth else to say. Tbh all throughout the film I felt like I had smth mor eto say but I never got th echance.

Oh I remember what I had to say-- & I forgot again. Maybe I was going to say that I would watch it again no wait it was that I'm going to try watching other shows like this-- ok I have it written down now I can write my thought in a better way

Since s5 is due soon, way too soon, I'm going to try writing my liveblog without pausing it at much if at all, bc I have no time. I apparently take 3 hours to watch an episode instead of 1.5 which was my goal. I can do this. I must NOT pause it tho lol

Me: here doubling my liveblog so I could get clips

[headcans-oneshots-and-stuff]

Do Angels giggle?

Warning: Mentioned death of multiple people, a teeny tiny bit of angst, swearing, but otherwise you should be fine Word count: 4k (sis snapped again)(I should really stop doing this tbh) Summary: A rumor of an angel kidnapping criminals and leads them to a path of justice and Jason is on the suspects track. He hasn’t expected to be caught and he surely hasn’t expected what met him there...

This was requested by @middevil465​: 'Babe did you fall from heaven bc you seem to be a chaotic ever shifting sphere of eyes & wings making a sound not of this earth and I’m kind of hoping God sent you because this is terrifying' with jason x reader

Jason really didn't plan on this to happen. He didn't plan on getting caught while spying on the current suspect in a case of criminals disappearing only to re-appear with no memory of what happened and babbling of being lead to a better life by an angel. And he certainly didn't plan to end up in a warehouse that was decorated with a clearly religious altar and other things that heavily reminded him of the church. The only thing that wasn't church-y was the fact that he was tied to a - honestly not uncomfortable - chair in front of the altar. The worst fact was that he, too, couldn't remember how he ended up here. He had some flashes of memories, about how Bruce assigned him to the case, about how he found a man that all the criminals who found themselves 'victim' had met sometime before their disappearance and how he'd found and followed him before he blacked out.

And now he was here. He wasn't really afraid as much as he was concerned and curious about what was going to happen next. Bruce could easily track him as soon as he noticed he wasn't answering so there was also not much reason to try to escape before he knew what was going on here or if he was in any serious danger. Jason wasn't sure what to expect. Tortue, drugging, brainwashing? He knew the man must have some kind of secret weapon that made him able to re-write these criminals to his liking, but he wasn't quite sure why. Everyone in the cave had different theories. Bruce and Dick thought that he maybe got information about their 'businesses', deleted the memory and sold the info, Damian and (surprisingly enough) Tim thought that the criminals had been involved in something bigger, all of them involved somehow, and the person (or people) who hunted them down and changed their memories and life choices, were on a hunt for information. Steph and Cass had agreed that it was a cult or a conspiracy and Barbara had said that she wouldn't make any theories just yet, or rather not reveal hers. Jason had a more sinister thought though. He knew about the criminal world better than most others in his family, once having been a big part of it too, and he thought that whoever was able to do this, was slowly building an empire, first taking out smaller criminals, snitches and errand boys, maybe as to test their methods, before going for the big fish and re-writing them to take over their territory. It was honestly a good plan, but the fam wasn't really happy about it. Having an enemy that could delete and rewrite memories and demeanours could be a real threat. That was why Jason needed to find out how they did it. But he didn't see anything in the warehouse room that would implicate what they used for their plan, only all that church stuff, and Jason considered that it was probably something to harden the illusion that it was an angel who showed them the 'light'. 

"I've seen thou have been awakened, man in the blooded hood," a male voice echoed through the large space and bounced off the walls. The man he had followed stepped in front of him in a robe that reminded him of a monk. "It's crimson, bitch," Jason snarkily responded and couldn't help the smirk on his face, but it didn't seem to even slightly faze him. "Many have found the devil in their words in this city, but we, the church of hope and new ways, have made it our mission to bring thou, wrongdoers, to a path of justice and good, to a path of the angel." So Cass and Stephanie were right after all? A cult, really? "So that's all very noble and all, at least in theory, but ya know, I'm kinda on your side. With hunting and jailing criminals and all that jazz." "Thou words are full of sin that thou not even recognize, but don't fret, we will free you of them, free you of the devil within and bring you on a path of belief and light, we will bring thou to face with the angel that hath shown us the way too." Now that was next-level crazy, Jason thought and rolled his eyes under his still worn helmet. "Well, knock yourself out," he sighed and leaned back in the chair. Seemingly listening to Jason, the man disappeared through a door and suddenly all the lights in the room went out, leaving Jason in complete darkness, unable to turn on the night vision in his helmet. He heard another door on the other side opening and light steps echoed through the room, but whoever came in didn't make any other sounds but that. Then he was blinded by the brightest light he had most likely ever seen and what his eyes saw when the light simmered down a bit and he got used to the brightness made him freeze to the core. The words that left his mouth next were the result of habit more than thought, but he said them nonetheless: "Babe did you fall from heaven because you seem to be a chaotic ever-shifting sphere of eyes and wings making a sound not of this earth and I'm kind of hoping God sent you because this is terrifying." He wasn't wrong though. In front of him was, in fact, actually an ever-shifting sphere of eyes and wings that was making sounds that were clearly not human, neither anything that he had ever heard off-world and even though Jason was by no means religious, he had heard enough about how the angels in the bible were described to identify this thing in front of him as an angel. Suddenly the ever so brave, fearless and cocky Jason Todd stared at that being in front of him and his hidden face was drawn by fear and terror. He could deal with torture and pain, he could deal with technology and drugs, but he couldn't deal with whatever would be happening next. What would be happening next? Well, whatever it was that he expected, it sure as hell wasn't what happened. The sphere that he feared more than he had feared anything in the last years started to giggle. GIGGLE! Do Angel's even giggle? How would I ever know if angels giggle? The glow died down and the shifting intensified, the eyes were closing and drawing together, the wings merging too until there was only one pair left and the sphere turned into a different form, something longer and more humanly shaped, until it did a final change and turned into a girl. And what a girl she was. Jason's breath was stolen by her and the atmosphere surrounding her. She looked stunning in every sense of the word, from the Y/S/C skin that was basically glowing with angelic shine, her hair that was somehow looking like a halo even though it was nothing like one and her face that seemed to be sculptured by whoever created this hellhole called life themselves. And don't let him get started on the pair off wings that she was still sporting on her back. It was quite honestly gigantic. So big that its lowest part was reaching the floor and the highest part was still a few inches higher than her head. He could imagine that they would fill out the entire room if she was to stretch them out and the thought alone made him somewhat fuzzy in his head. He wished he could describe their colour, but he was sure that it was none of the ones he had ever seen on any planet, ever, he wasn't even sure if his eyes should be humanly able to comprehend the colour and yet there he sat looking at them. He was so impressed by these celestial limbs that he didn't even notice the fact that the girl was, in fact, completely naked. But even if he'd notice it, he wouldn't have seen her body as something sexual. The way she was moving like it was completely natural would more likely make him feel ridiculous for ever thinking of a naked body as something as intimate. And then her voice. Her voice was even more divine than anything else, making his whole body tense up and relax simultaneously. "You are full of darkness, but your darkness is unlike anything else they have shown me," she stated matter-of-factly and she came close to him, rounding him a few times with curiosity in her eyes, "And not just your insides are different than the ones they showed me, your head seems to have a sort of protective shell, how magnificent." Is she talking about my helmet? Does she think it is a part of me? "Uhm, Miss Angel, that isn't a part of my body, it's removable," he said, surprised that he was even  able to talk with his heart basically having stopped beating. Her eyes widened in child-like wonder and she kneeled down in front of him, her wings spreading out slightly beside her to accommodate the change in height. "Would it be okay if I were to take it off?" she asked in innocence that Jason has quite honestly never seen before. "Uhm, sure," Jason answered, completely having forgotten the whole reason that he was here in the first place.   Her delicate hands slowly found their way to were his helmet laid over his ears and she looked into the general direction of were his eyes were, her Y/E/C orbs seemingly shifting colour every time she moved even an inch. "I'll try to be careful," she hummed and started trying to get it off, changing her tactic ever so often when she noticed that it wasn't working, but instead of telling her what to do, Jason just looked at the angel and couldn't find any words. Finally, after about two minutes, she managed to pull it off and carefully laid it down beside the chair, before finally leading her gaze to his now, except for the domino mask, uncovered face. She didn't say anything, just bringing her hands up to his face and tracing it, including every scar, no matter how little, and every edge. Even though he had been in awe before, now he could almost comprehend why the criminals changed their ways, hell, at that moment he'd burn the city down without hesitation if she'd asked for it. Finally, her fingers wandered over the edges of his mask and when he gave her a small nod of consent, she somehow managed to peel it off and free his eyes for her to see. He didn't mind that she now knew what he looked like, that she could now identify him, but to be honest, he didn't think much about it, too caught up in that moment and that moment only. Their eyes met in a moment of complete silence whit the only sound present in Jason's head was the pounding of his heart and the rushing of his blood. "You are really unlike the others aren't you?" her voice broke that moment, but he somehow knew that he wasn't expected to answer. For a few heartbeats, the two off them stayed in place, before the angel ruffled her feathers, the sound echoing through the warehouse, like dozens of birds flying away. She raised back to her full size, her wings folding back to where they had originally been. "Tell me, why do my saviours want me to bring you to the light? I can see that it is already in you, it may be clouded and darkened, but it is there," she asked him and her hand was cupping his cheek in an act that seemed unnoticed by herself as if she was doing it unconsciously. Jason wasn't quite sure how to respond to that question, but he noticed something else in what she said, something that formed confusion in him. "Your saviours? Shouldn't it be the other way around?" "How do you mean that?" the angel asked with honest naive confusion written over her face as she cocked her head to the side and folded her hand in front of her bare stomach. "Well, uh, I'm no expert by any means, but you're an angel right?" She nodded but kept quiet as if that question didn't give her a clue as to what he meant. "Uhm... Angels are creatures sent by God and...uhm...they are over humans, right? So how is that guy and whoever he works with your saviour? Is he Jesus or something?" What she answered was something he didn't even remotely expect. "Who?" "Jesus? Your Boss's son? God sent messiah to free all humans? Allegedly forgave us for our sins and got killed for that?" Jason rambled and tried to count down everything he still remembered. The angle put her hand in front of her mouth in shock at his words. "That sounds horrible, is he okay?" she asked in a tone that made it pretty clear to Jason that she did, first of all, not know who Jesus was, and second, had no idea what killing actually meant. "Uhm, sure, he's great, somewhere up there with his dad, I guess," Jason just shrugged, not really caring about that topic anymore and more focusing on all the facts about her being an angel that didn't add up. "Can you tell me about yourself?" he just boldly asked her, but it didn't seem to phase her at all, in fact, she brightened up at the possibility to tell him about her. "Uhm, I can't tell you much, but I was saved by the church of hope and new ways when they found me after what they called a miracle, they took care of me and explained to me that I was sent to them to be their tool to re-shape the world," she explained with a somewhat proud undertone, but Jason's feeling got cemented. The feeling that she had actually no idea what was going on around her and what she was used to do, and the feeling that she may not really be the sort of angel he, and seemingly she, believed she was. "Re-shape the world?" he investigated further, a small voice muttering theories in the back of his head. "Mhm," she nodded and her right wing folded itself slightly in front of her as if she was nervous or shy, "They bring men who are filled with darkness and they have me look into them, look if they have light and make me watch their mind, then they have told me to bring them into the sun, I show them the way that they tell me is right, make them believe in the church." Her words were slightly wary and Jason could recognize the doubt in them. She wasn't doing this voluntarily... "Do you want to do that?" he asked to clarify things for himself, and maybe also her. Her eyes wandered to the door the mock-monk had disappeared in and Jason could have sworn he saw something like fear in them. "I- Uhm- Yes," she nodded, but couldn't look at the man in front of her, she had almost turned her whole body away from him. "I don't believe you." "Why?" her voice wasn't as childish and curious and innocent anymore, it was small and fragile. "I'm not sure, but I think they are lying to you, I think you aren't an angel. I mean, you're sure as hell no human, but you're not an angel, at least not one in the...uhm..traditional sense." This seemed to gain her attention in a way that had her turning around again and made her take a step towards him. "Do you really think so? Because... I have tried to tell them, but they said no to all my questions, they told me that I am the tool for the church, that that is my only task and that I would be lost without them, but I can see it in them too. The darkness, they tell me to turn into light, is in them too, but they don't let me change it, they tell me I must see something that isn't there... And not only that... I have memories, memories of the Miracle. I see flashes of other people, people that make my heartache, and flashes of a building, one that looked like this room here on the inside. "And then there are other flashes, flashes I have at nights when I'm resting, there are loud noises and heat is licking at my skin, at my back, at my whole body, and there are so many screams." She seemingly didn't find the connection between those memories, but Jason sure as hell did. It was mainly a theory at that point, but he believed that she had been at church with her family when it burned down, maybe there was magic involved or she had the meta-gen inside her, but while her family burned she must have turned into the angel she was now, losing most of her memory in the process. The people that must have found her and figured out of the great powers she had, had decided to use her for their own sinister plans and she was none the wiser, Jason couldn't know if she had always been that naive and innocent, but she was now and, even though he had only known her for a matter of maybe half an hour, she had grown on him if he was being honest. "Can you see into other people's heads? Can you read other people's memories too?" he asked, a small plan forming in his mind. She looked at him in thought, but she seemingly was somewhat intrigued. "I believe so, I have only done it one or two times." "Read my mind, read my memories," he almost commanded, but she was taken off for other reasons. "Why would you want me to do that? My saviours tell me that it isn't my place to do so..." "I know this is confusing and what you will see will shock you, but I hope you will be able to trust me after that, trust me to help you, get you out of here." The prospect of being away from her 'saviours' seemed to make her interested, but there was something else that she had to know beforehand. "Will you stay with me? Will you take me with you? I can't be alone, I don't know where to go, what to do, I can't- don't think that I can survive all alone," she looked away and he could see the fear and pain, of not knowing what the future would hold in her whole demeanour, and he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms, but the restraints that were still binding him to the chair were keeping him from doing so. "If you don't want to be, you won't be alone, I will take you with me, we will go through this together, okay?" "Okay," she smiled slightly and came to him, her hands hovering over the rope around his chest and, in a for Jason surprising turn of event, her palms started glowing and the rope basically disintegrated leaving him free to stand up, having to physically restrain himself from holding her. "This won't be happening to me too?" he asked gesturing to what was still left off the rope. And she giggled again. God, he had almost forgotten how heavenly that giggle was. "No, I don't think it will," she said in a tone as if she was honestly questioning her statement, but before he could say anything about it her hands found themselves on the sides of his temple and the last thing that echoed through the room before the angel fell unconscious in his arms was her scream.

When the angel woke up she felt utterly exhausted. She had seen everything that had ever happened in Jason's life, including his death and every time he had killed, and she had felt it like she was it who experienced it. It had literally drained her, but Jason was correct, as she woke up again, she trusted him with her life and more. She knew him now. Possibly better than anyone else in the world. And not only that, when her eyes opened he was the first thing she saw. She was laying in his lap, something that was astounding enough considering the giant wings that were spread out beside her and partly over Jason, and somewhere along her time of being in his memories he had taken off his brown leather jacket and had put it on her and zipped it up, keeping the, in normal standards, intimate parts of her body hidden from sight. What the angel couldn't see were the bodies of the people who had, in Jason's opinion, used you for the past few months that were stacked in the backroom and, if he was lucky, not dead. "Sorry you had to see this, but I wanted for you to be able to completely trust me," Jason whispered, his hands caressing through her hands. "It's okay, I understand," she hummed back and they both knew that she meant more than just the statement about him wanting her to trust him. "Can we leave now?" "Of course," he smiled and helped her up, having been made aware earlier when she passed out that her wings added more to her body weight than he had anticipated, but that was to expect, they were robust and spread out almost twice as big as Jason in width. The angel, who Jason really needed to find a name for, had the wing on the side opposite of where Jason stood beside her, drawn in, but the one that was on his side was spread out behind him like a shield, curling around him slightly, but he just smiled and slightly shook his head at that. He honestly really didn't know what it was about the girl, his angel, or the whole situation itself, but a really small part of him wanted to believe that maybe there was something like a bigger picture, maybe not necessarily a god, but something that had brought them together, something that had wanted to make him know that the two of them knowing each other was meant to be.

[silversoulstardust]

50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked

I was tagged by @plusultratempo , thanks for the tag babe!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?: Purple-pink

2. Name a food you never eat?: a blowfish

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?: too cold! my fingers get icy real quick so I like to touch people’s neck with it and make them jump heheh :p 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?: work work work. i’m still at work but it’s been chill so I’m taking the time to go through these questions teehee

5. What is your favorite candy bar?: kit-kat and twix, i can’t choose just one!

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?: hockey. my college was big on hockey so they made us students go to live matches for moral support. free food and fun time with friends even though I know nothing about hockey? lol sign me up

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?: “I’m gonna kill you!” *me, to flies buzzing around in my room*

8. What is your favorite ice cream?: vanilla with chocolate chips

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?: mineral water

10. Do you like your wallet?: i feel... neutral about it. it’s an old one from Esprit, my boyfriend gave it to me when we first started dating

11. What was the last thing you ate?: rice with chicken and vegetables

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?: lol yeah a karasuno jacket

13. The last sporting event you watched?: does haikyuu matches count? because i really cant recall any lol 

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?: caramel

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?: my boyfriend, bragging about how I successfully made a Japanese strawberry shortcake lol 

16. Ever go camping?: yes! its fun!

17. Do you take vitamins?: not everyday because im forgetful 

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?: nope, not a christian 

19. Do you have a tan?: lol im asian i dont get tan i am tanned 

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?: pizza ftw 

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?: No, it feels better to chug it 

22. What color socks do you usually wear?: colorful ones bc fuck norm

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?: almost exclusively. i know where the speed traps are on my route to work so i’d slow down near the area. i’m lucky there’s no police patrol ambushing speedy people on my way to work

24. What terrifies you?: cockroaches. i’d scream bloody murder, even at 3am

25. Look to your left, what do you see?: a calculator

26. What chore do you hate?: ironing clothes. i always end up burning through precious blouses and it irritates me so much 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?: my boyfriend. he’s working in Australia and he’s speaking like one now 

28. What’s your favorite soda?: coca-cola

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?: Drive thru. less interaction with people and I don’t even have to leave my car so I can just go in my pajamas 

30. Who’s the last person you talked to?: a patient

31. Favorite cut of beef?: tenderloin i guess? im not really sure 

32. Last song you listened to?: centimilimental - i want to die 

33. Last book you read?: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

34. Favorite day of the week?: Saturday, when you’re in the sweet spot of weekend, not thinking about it ending soon like Sunday

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?: lol no 

36. How do you like your coffee?: with brown sugar and a little milk

37. Favorite pair of shoes?: i have this comfortable heels for work that i wear everywhere bc it makes me taller lol 

38. The time you normally go to sleep?: it depends entirely on my work schedule the next day lol 

39. The time you normally get up?: it depends entirely on my work schedule on the day lol 

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?: sunsets. something magical i cant explain 

41. How many blankets on your bed?: I live in a tropical climate bruh. one is enough. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates: it’s made out of corell and it has orange-grey flowery design 

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?: i’ve been sober for almost 2 years now but i really liked vodka 

44. Do you play cards?: if you mean uno, yes. 

45. What color is your car?: milky white

46. Can you change a tire?: nope

47. Your favorite province?: do people have a favorite province??? lol 

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had?: it wasn’t an official job but i used to bake and sell muffins at college to fund for my travel so that’s that

49. How did you get your biggest scar?: i was two?? i think when i played with my cousin’s trophy and hit myself with it. got a huge laceration wound on my eyebrow. you can still see it if you stare hard enough lol 

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?: im pretty sure helping someone stay alive can make them happy. that’s my job scope lol 

tagging babes @berrynthewood @tinxies @kaidasen & @mygeekcorner ! do it when you have the time k no pressure <3 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #225

“i tried to write your name in the rain, but the rain never came.”

How many times a day do you check your cell to see if you have a text? Considering my dumb phone doesn't let me know I have texts half the time, I do multiple times throughout the day. Ever wonder if the person you hate will become the person you marry? HA HA YOOOOOOOOOOOO SARA AND I DID AND NOW I DEADASS WANNA MARRY HER TOMORROW How many times a day do you wash your hands? It varies. After I use the bathroom or if I'm about to touch food. You walk in on your parents smoking pot, what do you do? lol h u h How old were you when you had your first crush? Hell if I know. I do remember as a young kid though, I was very much "ew boys no thnx." Maybe like... 5th grade? When was the last time you asked God for something? A long, long time ago. Your opinion on smoking: Just don't, dude. It's money going towards gradual suicide. No one likes the smell. You sure won't like how it affects your body. It's an addiction/it's stressful to stop. I'm not gonna like, judge you if you smoke, but nevertheless, I'll tell anyone it's an awful idea. Make love or fuck? It depends on the mood. I was more into the former mood back when that even applied to me, though. Have you ever cried so much over something that later felt like nothing? Oh, I can assure you I have. The last time you were afraid of the dark was: I'm not really scared of the dark, but one time I got up semi-recently in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and after one incident, I was so, so careful and nervous to step on Bentley's tail. He lost his fucking mind on me when I did it once, of course on accident. The TV was off by this point, so I couldn't see well at all. I love having a dog that fucking scares me. How often do you say I love you to your parents and mean it? A whole lot. Your boyfriend/girlfriend say they can’t hang out & it’s been two weeks. You? I mean sure, it sucks, but if they're legitimately busy, they're busy. Have you ever wanted a wild animal for a pet? If yes what animal? I had a phase where I really wanted a fox, and now I am DEAD serious about fostering opossums at some point. When you go to sleep, do you have to have white noise or silence? SILENCE. Though I don't really get /total/ silence 'cuz I have to have my fan on. My room's always hot. Have you ever gotten in a fight with a teacher? No. Ever had a creepy dream about a teacher? No. Where were you when you had your first sleepover? Your house or a friends’? I believe I was at my then-best friend's house. I had suuuuch bad separation anxiety from my mom that I know I was older than most kids who did. What are you limits for doing stuff for money? I'd never do sexual favors or seriously hurt someone for it. Is there someone you are mean to all the time for no reason? No. I'll admit I'm typically rather short with Bentley, but Jesus, do I have reason. When you think of love what’s the first that comes to mind? Sara. How do you calm your mind and find peace when you are stressed? My best bet is going to sleep; that's pretty much, usually, my reset button. Have you ever given someone flowers? I gave Jason flowers once or twice. I gave my mom some for Mother's Day as a kid. How often do you get on Facebook? A couple times a day... mainly just to see memes lmaoooo. What day of the week is usually your busiest day? Good Lord, Tuesdays. I'm at school for 13 hours. Mostly sitting in the library waiting for classes, but. I do study a whole lot, though, and it's when I get a bunch of schoolwork done. Is there a place that you will never return back to? Idk. When was the last time that you created a PowerPoint? I'm actually working on/off one for FYS 'cuz we have to do this "Lifeline" thing where we introduce ourselves and give our stories. Guess who's not fucking ready. Do you like group work? NO. NO. Particularly if it's with people I don't know. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Is music or the TV on while you complete this survey? I'm listening to Chase Holfelder's cover of "Kiss The Girl" rn. Does your grass need cut currently? No. Do you listen to Nirvana? Occasionally. What color are the doors in your house? White. Have your friends ever not wanted you to be with someone? Probably. What is your favorite use for whipped cream? I hate that stuff. What is your favorite flower? Orchids. And your favorite nut? Ew no thanks. Can you curse in a foreign language? Of course I know "fuck" and "shit" in German lmao. Are you fond of spaghetti? Hell yeah man. Have you ever played in the mud? I sure did zoom through it on my bike as a kid. Do you remember what your first real relationship felt like? That relationship ultimately led to PTSD, how could I possibly forget. Who can make you happy no matter what? Sara, Mark, and Game Grumps are particularly good at that. How tall are you? 5'4.5'' Are there any animals near you? No, I'm at school rn. Do have a lot of lists? No. Are you a godparent? No. Do you sleep too much or not enough? Eh, it depends on the day and my mood. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? Yep. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Where were you going the last time you were on a train? Never been on one before. Do you think having a bad temper is a sign of immaturity? I mean, no? It's an interesting question and I guess a "maybe," but. I feel this depends on the trigger. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? I was a fucking yoga master babe in 9th grade, fuckin fite me. When growing up, did your parents keep the house very tidy? I guess? It wasn't dirty. How many watches do you own? Zero. Are there any ways in which you greatly differ from everyone else in your family? Political views, I guess? Or the fact I'm bi? I only know of one person in my extended family that's gay. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? No shit? Emergencies are a thing? BUT, respect the teacher, please. I cannot stand people using their phone in class, especially here in college. You're paying a shitload to learn. Spend that time as you're supposed to. Take education seriously. If your phone's on vibrate for said emergency situations, that's cool. Do you have any gay relatives? Lol oh. Yeah, Mom has a cousin. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Yeah. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? I deleted my sister's mother-in-law in fury over her homophobia because I've seriously had it, then just a few days ago actually I went through my Facebook list deleting people I just didn't really feel connected to/didn't really care to follow their journey anymore. How many cups of coffee do you typically drink per day? Zero. Do you know what your vocal range is? It's not broad. I'd say I'm probably in a rank slightly lower than most women. What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? I've never really been in the position to be capable of that. I've never had a source of income. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Probably heavy. Or symphonic, though I haven't found too many artists in that sub-genre that I really enjoy. But BOY, when I do? I will BINGE that shit to the ends of the earth. Have you ever turned down someone who didn’t handle the rejection well? Ha ha oh man, I remember in 4th grade, this kid Nick was desperate to date me. It was endearing and cute, but he asked kinda obsessively. Then jfc, when I broke up with Tyler, you would've thought I was Jason and he was me, holy shit. How large is your largest scar, and what is it from? Well, I can't see it, so I actually don't know. I guess kinda long, but not wide. It's from a cyst removal surgery. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? Omg, my Writing teacher. She really liked my writing on my essay. I was so flattered. When was the last time you went for a walk? Like, just a casual walk for the sake of walking? Not since I was at Sara's last. That was when my muscle atrophy was starting to get extremely bad though and I was very close to death omg. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? I don't think so. When cooking a meal, do you clean up as you go or wait til you’re done? I don't know how to cook. Do you develop crushes easily? NO. I am soooooo romantically picky. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? A month or more with Colleen after we were evicted. That was a really good time, honestly, regardless of how we feel about each other now. I don't think anyone's done something so selfless for me, and we really did have fun. How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? I'd say it was normal for someone that age. Do you like salsa that has fruit in it? NO. Do you think stained glass windows are pretty? Hell yeah. That was my favorite thing about the church I grew up with; Catholic churches tend to truly have incredible stained glass. Are you scared of snakes? Nope, snakes are Baby. Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? No; I only have two, and I just slightly have enough room for them. Do you like hard or soft pretzels better? I strongly prefer soft. Have you ever been carded when buying something? Yes. Do you eat meat? Regretfully. Can you sleep with the light on? NOOOOOOOOOO. I have to truly be exhausted. Have you ever broken a bone? No, but I did fracture my wrist as a kid. Have you ever made ice cream in chemistry class? Bitch I wish, tf. Do you use the microwave often? Considering a bitch can't cook, yes. Microwavable meals are the reason I am alive. Have you ever painted a room? No. What’s in your copy and paste? This survey. Do you know anyone that’s painfully, socially awkward? Fuckin ME JFC. How do you usually pose in your pictures? With the left side of my face facing the camera (bc my hair kinda swoops over the right side), and I'll usually smile with my teeth or do a :D face bc at least I look happy instead of high with my squinty-ass eyes. :') Do you know anyone that absolutely freaks out if you try to take a picture of them? um????????? me?????????????? Do you pick on them for it and attempt to take loads of pictures anyway? If someone doesn't want me to take a picture of them, I absolutely don't push them 'cuz I totally get it. How’s your posture? Bad. Have you ever had to take care of a fake baby in family ed? Thank God in Heaven no. I. Would. Have. Raged. ^ were you a good mother/father? N/A What’s your favorite way to wear your hair up? My hair is too short for that. But I generally find french braid buns SO pretty. Have you ever read a ‘banned’ book? Uh, I don't think so. What does your screen name mean? Favorite animal, meerkats, + favorite artist, Ozzy Osbourne. Have you ever had to take a sobriety test? N- no wait. They were mandatory when I've gone to the ER for suicidal thoughts. Do you like movies more if they’re based on actual events? It doesn't really matter to me. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done with your cell phone? Idk, dropped it? What’s your opinion on gold diggers? Selfish, or smart? Both? Uh, I don't think it's exactly debatable to call it selfish... I mean, you're dating for the sake of monetary gain...? What would you do if your bf/gf was hitting on someone else right in front of you? I couldn't even try to picture her doing that, but obviously I'd be uncomfortable and jealous. What’s something you’ve done that you’ve sworn you’d never do? Idk, multiple things. Which ex of yours do you talk to the most? I only talk to Girt. Can you recall the first person you ever drank/got drunk/high with? I drank with family, probably, but I've never reached the point of being drunk, and I've never been high. ^ are you still friends? I mean, I love my family. Have you ever taken someone else’s vehicle without permission? No. What were you doing the last time you were videotaped? *shrugs* Is that something you’d be comfortable uploading and sharing? I don't know what it would be. Which friend wears the same size clothes as you do? Probably none? I don't have many friends to compare to. Is there anyone’s wardrobe that you’d like to steal? UM Suzy Hanson is a B A B E? ?? ? ? ??? I adooooorrrrre her clothing line (Psychic Circle), too, and so wanna buy something. Have you ever been lost in the woods? DARLIN I've watched The Blair Witch Project 2 much for that shit. What did you last stretch the truth about? Idk. Have you ever had withdrawals from something? Caffeine, and then WoW for quite a few months after I stopped playing for like, a year or more. Is there anyone on your friend’s list you know next to nothing about? I know at least one of Mom's friends that I've only met once, and briefly. How old is 'too old’ for you to date? I wouldn't date over 30 (I absolutely stg that has nothing to do with H I S age being 30 lmaoooo). How do you feel about guys in tight jeans? Skinny jeans look good on like, anyone. Favorite hour-long show? Uhhh idk. Well, at least out of the shows I used to like and would be most interested in watching, The Good Doctor. Favorite half-hour show? Meerkat Manor. Most people who’ve slept over at your house all at once? My current house? Just one, I think. Steak or chicken? Chicken. I'm piiiiickyyyy w/ steak. Is flirting really cheating? Yes, if you're clearly not just teasing. What’s something you own that’s /only/ of sentimental value? My pebble from my partial hospitalization program. What’s your choice of chips? Girrrrrllll gimme Cool Ranch Doritos. What song would you use to torture someone? i t ' s  f r i d a y  f r i d a y What is the weirdest compliment you have ever received? Probably that my nose was cute? If someone REALLY fat was upset, and saying how FAT they were, what would you say? First off, NOT say "you're not fat omg ur beautiful." I'M overweight and don't like when people say that. I'm perfectly aware that you're lying "for my own sake," which is sweet, but it's not helpful. Motivate me/the person to improve without being an asshole. Let them know I believe in them, which I do for ANYONE. If I could lose 60-70 pounds in a year, anyone can. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard a kid say? So when I was very little and my mom gave me orange juice, I freaked out because it had pulp in it. And what did I say? "I CAN'T DRINK THAT IT HAS NIPPLES IN IT" look idk don't ask but boy does Mom love sharing that story. A random stranger walks up to you and says 'you’re hot’. You say: Most likely "go away." Possibly "thank you, but please go away." Actually yeah, that's more likely. Like it's flattering to know someone finds you attractive, but yeah, that's just uncomfortable for some stranger to do that. I also wouldn't want to really piss the person off. Do you send messages on Facebook a lot? Definitely not. Almost the only person ever would be Girt. Have you ever gone to a strip club? No. Not my kinda scene. Like I absolutely will not think less of someone who does this, but I just don't like but moreso feel bad for men or women who reduce themselves to their sexual capabilities. Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Hell nah man. Pizza is supreme. What color is your watch? I'm not wearing one. I never do. Do you believe in love at first sight? Absolutely not. Visual attraction, of course that's real, but I promise you dear, you don't love someone upon looking at them. When you eat Frosted Flakes, do you add sugar in it? I hate that stuff. Who’s the biggest hugger you know? Ashley's father-in-law's mom. ... At least I think that's what she is? Do you want to change your name? Nah, it's fine. Have you ever tried to erase someone from your memory? Of course I have.

[bobcathoneybee]

saw bobcat for lunch today. stopped by TJs bc i wanted to get snackies! found the lentil chips and bbq crisps! 

then walked to hale bc bcb is still a little sick *cough cough and then he walked with me to chalait bc it was 5 mins to 12 so they shouldve brought out the market plate bowls! -____- went yday at like 1251 and it wasn’t out yet. -.-

saw the guy that usually puts more in my bowl, but he ended up helping the girl before me and i thought i’d get him but the girl that came with girl before me didn’t order anything -________- fail. 

“you seem like you’re in a good mood!”“well one of us has to be (and it’s obvs not you rn!)”

“cmon let me shoosh you!” *puts arm around his shoulders and does the shoulder shoosh while bcb tries to hid his little smile*

the bcb walked with me back to work and leaned his cheek out for me to peck. this kid. LOL 

he said he was going to take it easy when i asked if he wanted to get dinner earlier in the week so i booked an extra row class.

after row, i check my phone and he texted at 639p, and i just finished at 650p so i thought he had left. of course, the only thing he says is “hi.” then he asked if i wanted to grab dinner. LOL UH ofc ido. mad hungry, but also mad sweaty. he was packing up and said he’d meet me next to the weed dealers on church LOL

didn’t wanna decide what to eat so let me pick my fave viet place even tho i told him it would be a walk. he came along anyway. “let’s just go where you want to go, i dont want to make decisions. i dont want that (malay, thai, congee, etc.)”

at pho grand, i was fine with sitting closer to the front, he wanted the back bc, “i dont want to be on display.” LOL

“i hate my job”

“i want to just quit without a job.”

“there’s no redeeming factor or people there”

“i need to clean my shower, it’s so gross!”“what are you talking about? i thought it was always clean when it’s just YOU!”*looks down*”well there’s build up in the drain!”“oh you mean when I”MMMMMMM not there, there’s build up in the drain?”*shocked look*”LOL well it was leftover from when you were there for new year’s!”“no, i cheked the drain. it was literally a day after you cleaned the bathroom, dear.”“-_____- LOL

“here i’ll give you the nicer one (saucer)” “what do you mean, they’re all the same!” “no, look, this one is not as deep so it’s easier to dip it in!” and then wipes it for me. LOL this kid. i miss you too. 

“what do you usually order?” “no.1, but i dont like brisket so i usually go with no. 8″“ok i’ll eat your brisket!””what do you wanna drink?”“fresh lemonade!”“not with soda?”“NO!!!” hahahahaha

“do you want any apps?”“spring rolls? bc i know you like fried things!”

“i wont dip again bc i dont want to get you sick!””you’re prob not contagious anymore”“you’re prob right”*dips*”if i get sick, it’s your fault!”

“thanks for dinner!”“ofc!”

“i dont really like the aveeno, it doesn’t absorb as well”“well nuxe is 25 euros... and you used up the rest of it really quickly! is your skin still really wet when you put it on? it’s better if it’s still really wet so that it absorbs better rather than patting kinda dry like you do. no wonder you ran out of nuxe so quickly””is there something like nuxe here?”“maybe first aid beauty? make sure your skin is still wet! all you need to dry is your feet”

“bye, babe! get home safe!”

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal! 

i had a pretty good day today but it was all ruined so quickly.

i started the day by waking up late and so, i didnt meet linda in time at the fullerton red line stop at 8am this morning and i felt super bad but i chose to just take a lyft instead. i debated on training it up to jenny but by that time. i’d get to church by 10am and i wasnt sure if i would even make it in time so i just decided to take a lyft instead. i made a commitment to come early and although i would be very late, it was better to come a little early than not at all! and i had a good time talking with my lyft driver about church and my busy schedule anyway! and i think i’m getting the hang of finding the balance of listening intently and actually caring for others and sharing my own experiences. as of right now, ive been trying to not share about myself unless prompted to and i think it’s been working so far! im just afraid i’ll end up having a lot of pent up emotions that i never felt comfortable sharing and end up feeling miserable again. but hopefully it doesnt come to that and people just know to ask! but i saw josh, johnathan’s roommate, there again and that was really nice! i got to see amanda and johnathan and josh and p josh and i was glad. and i got to see some familiar faces! like david, austin, rachel, johnny, christine, daniel bang and more! and although, again, i am sad chelsea and angela were missing, im also relieved that they werent there bc i wasnt so afraid of being judged constantly. honestly, jason too. he was also missing and i felt kind of relieved bc although i know he means well when he teases me, it’s slowly spiraling into verbal abuse and i actually do get kind of hurt sometimes. i tend to shrug it off but like when he calls me a “dummy” when i learn about new information, i feel kind of bad. if i knew but forgot, then thats one thing and i know i deserve that. but i literally just found out. why does that warrant or mean im not smart in any way? i’ll probably confront him about it in the near future and as of right now, i do value him as a friend and we have had real, deep conversations with each other, which i do really value and appreciate. and i also dont think i have a real issue in telling him about how i feel. i have been wondering if he’s been wanting to check up on me since i cried when he told me about my flaws. but, he hasnt asked yet so i guess it’s whatever. but then again, we also havent seen each other in a while. it’s been what, two weeks, going on three weeks now? it does feel a bit weird. but then again, even missing just one sunday left me feeling like i’d been gone for such a long time! and though i was a bit stressed at first with the cross conference meeting and meeting so many new freshmen at once, i am really glad and grateful that i got to spend time with everyone today. i didnt pay too much attention to the cross conference meeting as my attention was divided elsewhere but it sounded good for the most part! it sounds like we’ll be selling calligraphy prints, doing a bake sale, and a benefit concert! im excited to see how it all goes! then, johnathan, amanda, p. josh and i went to the college room to prepare and pray over the meeting for the day and it was really nice to just be able to spend that time with them! p josh pitched a game, i couldnt think of anything better and neither could amanda or johnathan, so we just ran with it! johnathan was full of great ideas today, tbh! he had a lot of little afterthoughts that really contributed to the success of the icebreaker today! it was a bit awkward at first but all the freshmen seem to be really close and im excited to see how many of them stay and choose to invest in the community here! oh! i also prayed for the service today pretty on the spot! p josh legit texted me on my way to church and i sheepishly agreed to it. but i was really feeling the music today and my heart feels so much lighter and happier after having gone to vision camp over the weekend with amanda! so when i got up to the front, i tried to go over everything happening today during the service but more importantly, really tried to be real and genuine with the words that i said and i think that i did. and i later asked elsa if it was a good prayer and she said it was so i guess i did pretty well! ^_^ thank you for speaking through me today, God!

Then, i debated on whether or not to go back downtown or stay in Evanston and God made a way! it seemed like Amanda would go home and i felt bad ditching her and choosing to stay in Evanston and possibly spend time with the freshmen but they ended up not coming! haha. but instead, alex cho, austin, briefly d. bang, daniel kwon, yaeji, johnny, johnathan, p. josh, amanda, christine, and esther were there! and im really only “close” with amanda, p. josh, and johnathan but i think through the icebreaker and just studying together today really brought us all closer together! i held a few conversations with christine, i talked to austin about my client work, i joked around with johnny and the others, i gave my opinion to yaeji both while we were waiting at church and while we were studying and overall, i didnt feel very scared or nervous or pressured. i was just there and enjoyed the moment and the opportunity i got to spend with them. and im glad. i do really want to grow closer in my relationship with them all this coming year. and im hoping we can start through the EC retreat this weekend! im stressed beyond belief with all my responsibilities but im also starting to feel better and more optimistic! as i was typing this, jason randomly messaged me and it was just for a test but it meant a lot to me that he would even think of me to do that. i really hope he and angela are doing okay! i cant imagine how hard this must be for him to have his significant other attending a different church when he has been placed by God at lakeview. maybe it wasnt meant to be or maybe angela just needs to grow on her own apart from us. regardless of the reason, i hope shes doing well. but i also want to give her space bc i do feel partly responsible for why she left. at the end of the day, she was just bitter towards everything but i also didnt help the fact either. but i really do hope chelsea and angela are doing okay! i think the best thing i can do now is to just pray for them and lift them up! i want to genuinely care for them and put them first before myself. i know that i’ve been incredibly selfish and prideful in the past but i really do want to do better. i really do. and only by God’s strength may i do that! 

But onto why I was so stressed out earlier. I walked back with Amanda to the train and then took that down with her for most of the ride. We got to know each other on a much deeper level and I want her to know that I will be there for her just as much as she has already been there for me! And I do really hope we can grow deeper in out relationship together. I asked her if she didnt mind sharing why she is such a people pleaser and i learned a lot about her through that! i just paid attention and listened intently and didn’t think of myself at all throughout it. i dont always need to give advice or respond. i just need to be there for her. and i was. so i did. i couldnt relate to her situation but i cared more that she could understand her thought process more than i did about sharing my own feelings. and it did really fill me with joy to do that! im glad we got to spend so much time together and can continue to spend more time together in the near future!

but anyways, she got off at monroe, which was fine, bc i was almost home anyway. BUT, i dont remember exactly where. i think around Roosevelt or maybe Sox-35th...these 4 kids got on and started acting pretty crazily. They were ripping the plastic screen protectors off the windows of the train and rolling them up. Presumably to use later but just to have fun, they started whacking each other with the pieces of plastic. and i was kinda shocked at myself for feeling somewhat paralyzed in the moment and scared. it wasnt bc they were black. it was just bc i didnt know what to do! i was afraid of how they would react or what they would do to me if i spoke up and said something! so instead, i just turned a blind eye and did my best to focus my attention elsewhere and simply look out the window! and i did almost get hit when 2 of the kids were hitting each other on opposing sides of the window and i think thats when the kid next to me noticed me. he was probably about 8 or so years old. he was definitely a child while the others were a bit older ranging from 8-16. but as i tried to politely leave, he grazed my butt with his plastic roll and from behind me, i heard him say, “haha, i touched that girl’s booty!” and i did feel a bit violated but i could chalk that up to being an accident if i really wanted to. so then i waited for my stop and it felt like the longest ride in between the two stops. but i waited and just did my best to ignore the kid and look out the window, ready to leave. to which, he definitely purposefully hit my butt again with the plastic, underneath my buttcheeks and said something along the lines of, “see ya, babe.” and i just sheepishly/nervously smiled and quickly left. and my thoughts were running pretty fast. i was in such shock and didnt think it would bother me as much as it did. i think the fact it was a kid and not an older man to which i actually really did feel helpless was nice but the fact that i was just physically sexually harassed at all surprised me. and i have been catcalled before but this was different! i felt so violated. he knew what he was doing and was proud of himself for having touched me. i felt violated. and i still do. i worry about what my first time having sex will be like if this is how i react to getting touched on the train. but anyways, i quickly told amanda and later my group chat with jordan and tykira and i was worried that they would brush it off and tell me it was no big deal. so i was pretty surprised when they were concerned for my safety and wellbeing instead. to which i responded that i was okay, just shocked. but their genuine concern meant a lot to me! i still cant really believe that happened and i had a really hard time concentrating or focusing on the lyrics of praise songs so i just prayed to God instead about how i do trust somewhere that this experience happened to me for a reason and it could have been a lot worse than it was but it wasnt. it happened and im here and i just have to accept it and move on. i dont know what was going on in that kid’s life and the best thing i can do is to just pray for him and wish him the best.

and finally, i slipped on this but the bathroom flooded at church today and idk who did it or when but i was honestly prepared to leave at first, had it not been for an ahjumma that came in and noticed the mess. and idk... something about that triggered something within me and i quickly ran to get a mop from the MPR and clean it up! it wasnt mine to clean and im sure someone else would have done it later. but for the time being, it was there and it was a mess and getting in the way of everyone’s restroom experience so i took initiative and cleaned up the mess. and honestly, a part of me hoped that p josh or yaeji or amanda or someone would see me or wonder why im taking so long and ask what i was doing. to which, i could humble brag and say i cleaned the restrooms faithfully though it was not my responsibility to do so. but no one asked or noticed my leave of absence. so i ended up just telling amanda instead and she didnt respond very enthusiastically which made me realize that i had made an error in my ways. and now im here, reporting it and reflecting upon it! 

but yeah! thats where im at now! i was about to post this but then p josh messaged me about meetups and i started talking to him and im just really so blessed to have gotten to know him so much better over the summer and i reall yam excited to work with him this coming school year! i do believe that he has grown, a lot. and i am very proud of him. thank you for blessing and placing me here, God! I know i was weary at first but i really am so much happier here than i could have ever imagined!