#like doing it but also need some routine
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I was wondering who kipperlily was reminding me of, and I finally remembered last night—ocean from ride the cyclone. as in, yes, these morals are fucked but also this is a child. it is the moral duty of the adults around her to foster better morals and traits like compassion and empathy. I can’t blame her for being so primed to be taken advantage of; that being said, if/when that influence is removed and if she is given a chance to change, that is on her.
in a meta sense, brennan has established that there is a difference in the teenage villains he creates, and the vast majority of them are not pure irredeemable evil—they were influenced/groomed into their role and given external support/the ability to be free from that and change, they take it. how I’m seeing it, that’s being set up for at least a few of the rat grinders.
#d20#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#fantasy high junior year spoilers#fhjy spoilers#I could see there being some narrative beat similar to the one w ruben-seeing the scared pre-rage version still in there#also while I’m here-yes ideally klcp should’ve been referred out for intensive help and all that. but following that logic of actually#caring about mental health then at the very least most of that school probably needs some level of routine appts. Not saying that’s bad!#but jawbone is only one person with most of the faculty gone and while hes doing his best he doesn’t have the clinical training someone irl#would have-much less to say whether that infrastructure even exists somewhere like elmville. idk it’s complicated and not done yet so I dont#feel comfortable preemptively assuming what morals or values the narrative is promoting. like the morals of tgp s1 vs s1-4 are similar but#Vastly different in the actual ethical minutiae and how much the premise has been developed and elaborated on#can you guys tell my finals are over and my brain is finally turning back on 🥳
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Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.
#honestly? honestly?#last week i told the two (2) godawful egomaniac lab head Man In Academia bosses i quit and that we need to formalise it asap and i just#felt like a little feather about to float away on a breeze#maybe now i can do normal people things like eat and sleep and have a routine of some sort idk#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now#i took a screenshot and last year i had no fewer than 14 fucking travel orders fulfilled#most of which consisted of like 12+ hour days on ships and docks#i'm just so tired man#not for reblogging obviously#i don't really wanna vent anymore or ponder them and the entire godforsaken institution but like#good riddance tbh#which is really really sad when you think about it! but here we are#it was just... no trace of future anywhere to be seen! entirely a Void!!#gonna post a beefy lesbian paladin real quick to push this post down lmao#but i felt like sharing because i know there's good and concerned people who follow me here and i both appreciate and miss you all#and lord knows some of you have been listening to me vent and whine for ages#am i going to miss some great people and the research community of my field? of course but also it was all just completely unsustainable
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Weirdly efficacious to give wwx that phobia of dogs for childhood trauma reasons, because there's a level on which he absolutely has the personality of a domestic dog that has never learned to do as it's told and doesn't mean to start now.
#hoc est meum#one of those very smart very energetic breeds#that needs SO much enrichment#the kind they tell you do not try to keep this creature in a house#it needs so much space and ideally a job#but it ALSO wants to be a member of a family and live in a house and have everyone like it#unfortunately it was feral as a puppy and knows how to open doors#and you have to basically sit on it to keep it from involving itself in every single interesting thing that happens anywhere nearby#mdzs#like the way wwx is doglike as opposed to the dog in question being personlike is like#his record of being in families he does not in any normal sense belong to#his preference for being attached to one specific person#who may or may not be his Very Favorite person#and who he may or may not obey but will listen to first#and build his routines around#the...way he was in some ways the replacement for jiang cheng's puppies#and this bleeds into his role in jc's life among jc's peers#he's extremely assertive without actually wanting to be the boss of other people#or even of himself#yeah that's a key element: he wants someone to be the boss of him#he just doesn't actually have much interest in doing what they say#they're just in charge for emotional security reasons#this is a much more common personality for dogs than for humans lmao#though even with humans it's not THAT rare#he's just extreme about it#wei wuxian#but his anti-dog stance both draws attention to this sameness#and takes it off the table so it can't be read into too hard#see also the wen zhuliu parallels and where they break down#weird status subtext
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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anyways wanna hear about what I've been thinking about
#wordstag#Heavily redacted on account of I don't wanna dox myslef#Anyways like yesterday someone was like 'you're prettygood at driving' and I was like. I play a lot of Mario kart. I don't play a lot of#Mario kart that was a flat Lie. Also I hate driving ohhhghhhh my goodod it's like if they made the worst thing ever and if you do bad#Everyone kills you anwyas was thinkingof sending a letter to my friend. But I don't really know how letters work to be real I haven't sent#letter in 5 million years.#next topic was thinking about (not someothonh we would ever do) a gimmicky fundraiser wheee it's like there's goals and at certain#Goals you unlock different things. At 50 bucks we buy [GUY] a new mouse at 100 bucks we make a collectible pin line etc etc#at 200 bucks we do a choreographed dance routine#Next next topic like a bit ago we had an idea to make like#A pet sim but your pet is doomed to die. Pet sim where you outlive your pet#where basically you have a pet yeah and it's like a clicker and you gotta click and upgrade yr clicks ets#all while feeding this pet who's life span is only limited by how much money you make#and it was like. A slow decline yknow. The prices of everything gets higher snd eventually you can't afford to feed your pet yknow#something of a tragedy. You can keep playing but your pet won't be there anymore#and like at some point you don't have time to play with your pet anymore because you need to focus on making money#I told my friend this (golf friend) and she was like. You're insane. Horribly crudeidea but that was also the point?#What message about society or whatever the shit is there? I dontknow bro.#there r two endings one ending where your pet dies sad and you live on (you have like a taxes you pay rent or some shit#So you loose money and if you can't pay rent you die. Or something like that it isn't that thought through#then the other ending is like everyone dies forever but you died playing with your pet so. Peace and love on planet earth#Anywyas um. I've gotta head to bed man. Or they're gonna Get Me#I don't think I'm going to but. ominous.#dude the computer is loud as fuck are we mining bitcoin or some shit. Is it usually this loud ?????
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u know. if u gain more confidence in ur writing then it'll be more fun and less miserable
#i just feel like this has to be said#it's not easy to do ofc it's not and i had help#but it's never wrong to try and work on urself#bc being miserable is just not worth it#stop overediting stop trying to be perfect just post ur writing and then write a lot more#it's not easy but it's simple#if that doesn't work for u then find smthg that does#bc genuinely u guys Need some confidence#bc that's ur hobby and u shouldn't be miserable while doing ur hobby#gain confidence set boundaries put it down when it needs to be put down go to sleep when u need to sleep#it takes a lot of time and a lot of trying but so much can change for u if u just try#and i am trying to take that advice myself in a lot of other areas im not perfect#but my writing improved so much since i gained more confidence and now i just have so much fun writing#where i had to sit myself down and make myself write previously it's just part of my routine now and i do it nearly every day bc i like it#idk if that makes sense but conclusion: y'all need more confidence in ur writing so u can stop being miserable#dni if this post doesn't apply to u and u like being miserable or smthg idk#this is also not abt mental illness so don't start#this is abt insecurity making u miserable#and ruining the joy of creation#thank u for coming to my ted talk#dreamy talks
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#one day you're unemployed for months#the next youre set to work 6 days a week#talk about timing#ive been easing into a remote part time work with my old job(boss secured funding) the past week#also sleep routine/morning routine/gym/food#and now im gearing up for a seasonal contract gig with the city to teach art classes to kids on saturdays (including anime arttttt) ;v;#im definitely happy w everything but it's also AHHHHHHHHHH#it's like things just stagnate for MONTHS and then everything happens within 2 weeks#ive never taught art classes so im nervous but also trying to stay chill about it cause it's just with little kids#im going to see how my brain / energy levels are going into this new routine but I definitely do have intention to return consistently here#just need to sort some stuff out before my brain can settle#will definitely be keeping up with the manga for the time being#ooc#tbd#if ppl are okay with it I could invade inboxes for awhile cause that would be more manageable to me atm
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the 8 pm urge to actually do the things that'll help my body, like exercising and like. cleaning my room sometimes. only in the evening, im never like this in the morning
(if anyone has exercising tips for someone who is very underweight, they'll be greatly appreciated, im already doing research of my own but the more info the better)
#gonna try to start an exercise routine because I NEED SOME MUSCLE MASS IN MY ARMS#something i never thought i'd encounter is gender dysphoria having to do with my thin arms#like i need more flesh on those asap and increasing my food intake isnt as reliable as i'd like because my appetite has a mind of its own#also because sleeping til 11 am makes me end up skipping a meal and thats. not ideal#bean's random thoughts
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i have thought of 1 (one) pro to this whole housing situation and i’m clinging onto it for dear life
#that being the enhanced freedom of living alone/away from family again#just generally being able to have routines and (hopefully) have them be respected in shared living spaces#of course that depends on who i find as a roommate but i’m choosing to stay optimistic#and on the note of freedom that includes more social freedom to have people over#like games nights with friends and stuff#or like. people staying over occasionally.#which technically i could do before it’s just wildly uncomfortable so i generally don’t#it’s the fear of not having a place to fall back to if things go wrong#that’s really getting to me#because my family is so spread out that even if i was able to crash on my mom or grandma’s couches (bc they both live in small one bedrooms)#they’re both so far away (literally a several hour ferry ride in my mom’s case)#that i wouldn’t be able to continue work or school if i had to do that#my dad is looking for a place in the cities around where we are now but that’s not certain at all and again one bedroom#BUT#and this is a HUGE thing that my friend reminded me of#i have friends in my life who would also support me if it came to that (totally not crying while typing this)#he reminded me that his family has even said in the past that i always have a place to stay with them#and i even did at one point for several weeks when our house got all its wall torn out bc of massive water leaks#and i know i have at least two other friends who would do the same if i really needed it#and i’m so so so fucking lucky#i may not have a ton of people in my life but the people i do have are better people than i ever could have hoped for#i stumbled into knowing (and this is no exaggeration) i believe some of the kindest most compassionate loving people in existence#i was always such a sucker for found family stuff and it was only in the last two years or so that i realized that’s what i have#okay stress crying has turned to emotional gratefulness crying#still physically unpleasant but emotionally incomprebly better#personal
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i have acquired a mystical and powerful ointment (hydrocortisone cream) from the village herbalist (rite aid) to assist with the curse set upon my bloodline from many generations ago (eczema)
#feel free to reblog#ironically this is the one thing i know the least about and it's the one i've known about for sure for the longest#never seen a doctor for it (everything online says you probably should) because my parents never took me#they told me that's what it was because that's what my dad had and it looked close enough#they also said i'd grow out of it like my dad did (just as he was growing back into it hmmmmm)#so i'm not like shocked that this is cropped up again i'm mostly like. annoyed? and sad.#i'm annoyed because like - they treated it so casually it was a non issue#get some anti-itch cream moisturize etc#and be quiet about it until it goes away#so it came back every now and then and i stopped telling them i was getting flare ups i'd just get into dad's cortizone and put some on#until it went away#there was never like a plan or a regimine in place for how to deal with it#dad's whole routine was preventative (lots and lots of baby oil) with the steroid cream you pick up at the pharmacy if there was a flare#and i didn't even know when he'd get a flare because it never got brought up - so i didn't know to look for patterns or anything#and now it's hitting me and has been for probably longer than i realized and i'm just like#*how do i take care of this???* *why is it not going away???*#and like yes i absolutely should also still see a doctor about it just to like. Fucking get shit in my records#jesus christ the realization that eczema isn't even probably in my medical records fucking hell#IT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S AN IMMUNE RESPONSE AND DOCTORS PROBABLY NEED TO KNOW I'VE GOT A FUCKY IMMUNE SYSTEM IF THAT'S A THING#LIKE CHRIST IN HEAVEN MOM AND DAD A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR IS LIKE NORMAL FOR SMALL CHILDREN#FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY DID I NEVER SEE A DOCTOR AS A CHILD FUCKING MARY MOTHER OF GOD MA WHAT THE FUCK
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I have somehow gone the Most Roundabout Way of getting a normal doctor for someone who barely goes to see one.
#bloop out#okay so because of Politics i went to do some routine gynecology appointment#which was also my very first Normal doc appointment in a few years#they had me do a Routine Blood Test because i havent Done Routine for a Hot Minute#and THAT set off an alarm bell so i had to schedule an appt with ANOTHER doctor#and THAT GUY then was like 'do you have a GP?' 'No' 'You need a GP'#and now i have a gp#in case youre worried im Not Dying#I just have Cool Person Disease#aka idk if i should say it yet out here its not a Big Deal but yknow medical shit
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i think i need routine in my life
#it’s like i’m withering away#it’s nice but also: feels bad not doing anything#i can’t bring myself to do important things and i’m just kinda existing??#waking up super late eating doing nothing on my phone feeling like the day is wasting away eating sleeping repeat#yet part of me is dreading the moment i don’t get to have this#also: guilt#angel.txt#get me out of this state#i keep thinking about jobs#and school#it’s in the back of my mind#i genuinely don’t like this tho#the days are the same and i don’t feel like doing anything#i need something in my life#and a routine#purpose#some kind of purpose#im wasting away i tell you#haven’t even been feeling very social either#hhnng
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we ball 👍
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#Thinking Thoughts.#anyway so one of my irl friends i met just this january. !!!!! idk she is vv sweet lol and loves giving gifts :(( <3#it is her bday today so YAY :3 !!!!! and to give back for the gifts she gave me & my twin i made her a rlly nice letter w doodles and then#stuff and etc and yea :( :) <3 reminds me of Back then i think in the pandemic#when i was more online on tumblr (old acct & this one!) + when i made a video for my friend's bday <3#since then as much as i love being sweet and giftgiving i haven't been able to do it much since... but some ppl like certain moots or irl#friends ig r sort of indirectly inspiring me again to Be like that again :3 <333#hashtag wna be more ideal self. but i rlly need to start w my sleep sched and routines T_T !!!!!#college is vv exciting for me aaaghhh scary ofc but exciting. i also want to fall in love so Maybe i'll get some of that!?!??#i still wna be active here tho. >:)) i will manage my time fr.
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Miss Ninaa!! When are you free for the summer???
hello, sweetling! and good morning, good afternoon or good night wherever it is that you are. <3 regardless of the time of day, please just know that the world around you is brighter bc you're in it. c':
so i just want to start out by saying that i know i say this a lot...but i cannot tell you what it means to me that you guys care enough about me to be curious about the trajectory of my offline life.
...like, i really just have the sweetest anons in the world, huh? ;-;
i feel unbelievably blessed and count my lucky stars everyday because of each and everyone of you. thank you for being your lovely, lovely selves and caring not only about me as a person but my silly and strange au styles from hell.
speaking of, i am aware that it does not seem like it because of how sporadically i post ncu related content ( if at all ) but i am trying to work on some stuff...as you know well by now, i like to really take my time putting out my work because the quality of the content that you read is paramount to me. you are all far too near and dear to my heart to receive lame, rushed, unclear boof ass content from me.
like...i simply will not do it. thank you for your paitence.
( i will say that i am specifically working on an ask about the greenhouse kiss which AAAAAA giggling, twirling my hair and kicking my feet, like it is SOOOOO satisfying, holy shit! it's also very, very important to the plot which is why i have been taking my time on it. i do hope to put it out today but i am trying not to make promises that i can't keep, get your hopes and dreams up just to dash them and most unfortunately, i do not have a great track record in that regard. i know it's kind of a bummer...but i like to be honest w/ y'all. )
ANYWAYS!
without further ado, here's a little glimpse into my life. xx
again, thank you for asking...that is very cute of you. c': <333
( this is lengthy and lowkey irrelevant. you can absolutely skip this but i think that i am pretty informative in here, so it might be useful? idk. )
so actually, my summer is pretty busy and jam-packed for the most part! or, the first two months are, at least. because i decided to take on summer camp here at the school i work on! camp counsellor nina!
i decided to nab a summer camp supervising position for a couple of reasons. like, obviously, teaching does not pay that much, so really, i need to make all the money i can while i can. don't worry about me tho, guys. bc actually am doing extremely well for myself. <333
( i am a very lucky person, haha -- god nerfed me by being mentally ill, but did make me pretty and personable...which gets me far in life. on the topic of mental illness [ of which i am very ] today i should fare quite well bc other than having a mild headache and being lowkey naseous because my mood stabilizer has that side effect for me...it is worth it when i rem(ember) to take it because it makes me very calm and level, so i am better at responding to my asks/doing my tasks. )
another reason is it keeps me busy...when i am not constantly busy, i get very depressed and fall into gnarly sprials. my job has a lot of downtime and when i am not running around like crazy because a bunch of teachers are out, i'm bored as fuck and i get lazy or restless.
very lame...this summer, i will be looking for a different job ( fml, if you are my boss, don't read this ) and i am a bad procrastinator so i missed the deadline for a fuck ton of teaching positions, but hopefully i can find something in the realm of associate or assistant teaching because....lmao, point and laugh but i am still a little too nervous to teach a whole class by myself. if kids get disadvantaged academically because i am too incompetent at teaching, i will die.
but yeah...if i am still babysitting fourteen year olds after this ( they did grow on me, but it's really not my speed ) please also point and laugh because i would rather go back to retail...yes, i am desperate.
on the subject of teaching kids that are in my wheelhouse and doing stuff my speed, summer camp is actually all k-5 so i will FINALLY being doing a majority of my teaching in the age group that i have my literal credential in. YAY! it's going to be hot as shit where i am over the summer, probably also tiring as shit ( have you seen how little kids act in the summer? ) but i am so fkn exCITED to work with the littles HEEEEELLL YES, BROTHER! uncle nina will be Vibing! <333
so for the first four weeks i am doing general camp stuff, getting a feel for stuff and wokring with all the grade levels...but the LAST two weeks, i get to specifically associate teach in the kindergarten classroom and AAAAAAAA!!!!! I FKN LOVE THE KINDERS!!!!! i visit them every other day because, again, i am bored as shit and they need help over there so i usually hang out with them in PE and play hula hoop tag with them...rn they are learning how to jump rope. soooo stinking cute, oh my god.
-- BUT YES I AM SOOOOO FREAKING STOKED YOU GUYS LIKE I WAS MADE FOR THIS BROTHER. i am gonna wear so many crazy outfits and do such weird makeup pray it doesn't melt off my face.
also, during camp, they go on little field trips and things, hopefully swimming, ( uncle nina is mermaid nina ) and feed you the same stuff as the campers so i get to eat like a nasty frat boy and have pizza and pasta and stuff, which, let me tell you, i am genuinely stoked because they cater a free lunch for the faculty here everyday and it's supposed to be all fancy and shit...but there is a reason it's free because it is SOOOO mid. like it really is kind of ass. i don't know how they do that.
but, sigh, camp is only six weeks so i have to fill my time with other stuff ( also i guess that means in six weeks from when school is done on june...14th, i think? i am free? ) i hope to use that time to structure the fuck out of my life, planf or the future because i am hella bad at it and i hope to do a lot of writing! kind of a pipe dream at this point becaue all my stuff has been *british tolkien vc* actual shite and i can't finish anything...but maybe when i feel better, writing will come easier? when i am less busy and stressed? i hope so. and i hope you guys are still around if i am here but i Completely understand if you are not! it's been a long, bumpy ride. you did your dues and you are free to step off at any time. again, i do not blame you. i am annoying.
BUT YEAH! that's my summer for you! summer camp, hanging out with my cat ( her name is lily, she is very beautiful, very kind, very fluffy and dumb as rocks but she is my babygirl ), getting lots of sushi, going to the thrift store, doing self care stuff, doing less self harm in various odd forms specifically in the form of self sabotage, getting my life together and organized, finding a new job, bettering myself and the world, being kind, entertaining all of you and hopefully writing again! yay! i'll update you as much as i can.
and please, please, pleeeease update me on your lives! i know i don't always respond, but i read everything. my friend who won FIRST PLACE for her raven sculpture, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU BABY. my friends who unfortunately went through breakups, i am so sorry, please know it is their loss, you are stronger for it and i hope you heal, but if ravesey can...you can baby. also proud of my various friends going to college and my friends that are not! my friends toiling through their lame jobs and my friends who are dipping their toes in the world of creativity through writing, drawing expressing yourself! i love, love, LOVE you! thank you for sharing your lives with me.
( speaking of friends, i am specifically hoping to spend my summer bonding with my rant girlies and we made a little group chat and we are being so funny and chaotic and unhinged. i love them all so bad. )
BUT YEAH! thank you for asking my love! look out for some important in character asks, hopefully some finished or more distinguished writing and know that if i am not responding or posting, it is not because i lost interest...as you can see, i am very busy, especially as the school year approaches an end, my summer is a little busy, i fall into ugly manic/depressive cycles and am working on taking care of myself...offline. thank you for understanding.
and thank you for being here! you are troopers, forreal! you are angels and saints for putting up for me and enduring me never posting or posting really chaotic weird stuff. i love you. thanks for caring. <3
i love you and i hope you heal,
uncle nina, future ceo of glamour girl summer camp <3
P.S. i am specifically working on developing and post more about my other aus because i want to give you some variety and challenge myself to do stuff out of my comfort zone! so if you are excited at all about the tsot/tfbw nina stuff, please make some NOOOOISE! lol and if you are not i totally get it, but if you could give me gentility and grace, i would appreciate it because i'm insecure abt it. MWAH!
#hi baby!#thank you SO much for asking you are so stinking cute for this like omg i am blushing thank you so much#i am working on answering some asks but its slow goings but i am emotionally stable nina today so hell yeah brother#i love the greenhouse kiss ask but it requires a lot of context moving parts and me explaining stuff thoroughly#thank you for being paitent i hope its worth it#i also don't know how much people care about my dead ass fanfic or any of my stuff but thanks for fighting the good fight#anyways! camp counsellor nina!#i get to work with the k-5 kids i am so stoked its gonna be loud and very hot outside but fun and enriching#very stoked to do something entertaining#when i tell you i am BORED it fucking sucks like this job is so ass and rn my school is kinda going through messy drama#so it's not pleasant to be here i am not having fun#BUT I WILL! and i have a lot of fun answering my asks hell ya#wokring on getting another job holy shit please pray for me#but yah! trying to be a better me and come back into myself and write more comfortably you guys are helping me#thank you for respecting my time and need for space#i am pretty introverted inspite of my little god complex big scary writer routine and i get overwhelmed by attention#i never quite know what to say but i'm trying#write to me anytime i love you#also i had a friend send me an ask and ask me if their question is odd -- it's not sweetheart i just don't have an answer yet#i haven't shdslkhdld thought about it hard enough but i will get back to you haha y'all are unhinged and kind and so cute#ily ily ILY
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I guess I'm struggling with a lot of depressed thoughts currently. Maybe not very surprisingly, considering all that's happened recently, and money/art issues always do that to me, especially if they're happening together like they are currently.
But I'm not sure what to do with this 😐 should I just watch it knowing it will pass at some point? Or try to somehow work around it (but how)? It doesn't help that I'm feeling a LOT of exhaustion on the one side, but also a lot of anxiety/ the need to be doing something to make everything better on the other. It doesn't work 😅 When I was younger I used to escape into books or anime or especially my own imagination, but with my illness all of this is very exhausting, and the imagination thing kind of shut down almost completely anyway over the years. Idk how to get that back. It's very frustrating to try and fail over and over. And today I caught myself thinking why even bother, which I find (slightly) alarming. Idk, maybe it's a somewhat normal reaction if so many things go wrong for so long 😅 and it's not that I'm in any danger of giving anything up, but maybe I should try to give myself a break? Just accept that my art simply doesn't sell for whatever reason, and not grind myself raw trying to force it to work? Maybe not even try to do or think about any art for a while, or take a break from the Internet altogether (although that would be even more lonely 😅). Maybe it could help? Idk.
I just don't knooooow 🥴🥴🥴 I wish I knew what do do about this, but maybe that's a thing that doesn't require me to DO anything, but rather for me to step back for a little bit and just watch. Or something.
I'm also considering shutting down my online shop for a while, simply just because it doesn't even pay for the cookie bot every month 🙈 and money is REALLY tight currently. I'm pretty bummed it didn't work as I imagined it even after almost a whole year, but I'm still proud of the thing just by myself. But if it doesn't work better than just the website where people need to actively send me emails if they want to commission something, maybe in this situation it's smarter to go back to that for the time being and wait for better days. (Or maybe I should just stop trying to monetize my art in the first place, but I probably can't bring myself to do it anyway 😂 )
It's like the more I try the worse it gets so maybe I just should sit down for a while and stop trying so hard 😅
#idk#I honestly don't 😂#random stuff#rant#mental health#although that's maybe not exactly healthy#health#me/cfs#it definitely doesn't make things better when you're not physically able to do normal routines#it's kind of the same struggle I frequently get but worse for this very reason#actually I also miss being invested in a show or similar things#I almost only feel drawn to my own stuff but I can't get it to work 🥴#those times when I felt so deeply for something that I needed to make fanart y'know#but nothing clicks like that anymore for some reason#there are plenty shows I love but not to the point I get fanart-y over it#I'd love to draw for my own projects but nothing comes to mind 🥲#I've been stuck on that limbo for a while and it's eating away at me#also again#it's very lonely#I also miss those times when I could fangirl with friends over things#but alas
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actually my new year’s resolutions are
get better at geography
more consistently take my irish and spanish lessons
do more traditional art
learn embroidery
get a jean jacket to add patches and embroidery to
make at least one shirt from scratch
#tá brón ó chroí orm nana 😭#but seriously i want to be able to look at any given point on a map and be able to name every country#customizing clothes in general is also basically on this list. i routinely fix hems on stuff which is super nice#but i wanna do better alterations overall alongside adding things like patches and embroidery to everything#getting a sewing machine instead of having to do everything by hand would also be nice but. space and money LOL#with traditional art i wanna bust out my inks graphite charcoal and paint again. colored pencils. markers.#i used to do a lot of “draw in sharpie to force yourself to not constantly adjust stuff and just embrace messiness” practice i want to do#that again too. ya boy Needs to fill up some sketchbooks!! i will have fun and try new things! i will!!
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