#i have been slowly losing it for at least 3-4 years now

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Also I quit my job of what would in about a month or two have been 10 years, and perhaps now I will get to actually be a human being again.

[racinggirl]

it's called love <3 || charles leclerc 16

type: one shot pairing: charles leclerc x reader word count: 3.2k summary: going to a gp with your boyfriend who's really protective when a creepy dude comes a little too close for comfort. requested: yes! '' Ok maybe something you are waiting for charles leclerc (you’re bf of 5yrs) and like a creep starts talking to you but you are polite and are just like no please go away. Then he starts like touching you(if you’re uncomfortable with that you can just write that the creep is like in your face) and charles is like losing his shit when he sees it. Have a lovely day 💗'' Requests are CLOSED!!! warnings: angst!charles, harassment? (not detailed, only mentioned), overprotective!charles, anxiety. notes: OH MY GODNESS I'M BACK BABY! Have you missed me? It's been SOOOOO long, I've missed you so much! It's been over 4 months!!! 4 MONTHS! I'm so glad many of you stayed, remember I was at 700 followers and I was doing the 700 drabbles celebration? well, I'm now at 970 followers. I will do a BIG thing for 1K followers, I'm just not sure what. If you have any ideas, let me now in my inbox :) Also, credits to creator of the GIF! Not proofread!

My masterlist

Your hands rubbed themselves together, your cold fingers getting warmer every second, slowly, but surely. The wind moved your hair slightly, the small locks that framed your face getting stuck on lips which was coated with a nice layer of lip balm which was preventing them from being dry.

5 years, that’s how long you and your boyfriend had been together for. It was long, but not long enough. You knew he was the one, you just felt it. The way he treated you in front of your families was like you and him had been together forever. He was so polite to your parents, got along great with your siblings and always made sure to grab your mothers’ favourite chocolates and your fathers’ favourite beer before going to visit them with you. He was the definition of a perfect boyfriend.

You always tried your hardest to return the favour. Supporting him whenever you could, wherever you could. A red jacket was one of those ways to support him. The red sneakers, paired with the black jeans and red blazer was a way to blend in with the tifosi, but also to support Charles whenever he was driving the shit out of that car. You were supportive, and he knew.

You had promised him to meet him at the hotel in Australia, since you had arrived there a few hours before he would, his plane being delayed due to weather circumstances. The reason you weren’t flying together could get blamed on your work, as you had set meetings in a few minutes, you were either going on a plane which would arrive a few hours earlier, or a day later. You obviously chose the first option.

‘Almost there, bella, just a few more minutes <3’

He was never one to use emoji’s, he was more of an old school guy in that way. Smileys consisting of a colon and a bracket was his way of communicating whenever he was happy, and a left angle bracket followed by the number three made the perfect heart for you.

You rubbed your hands together once more as you were waiting near the entrance of the hotel. You were able to get inside and go to his room – at least you thought – so after a few more minutes of waiting you decided to do so.

‘’Hi, could I check in please?’’ You politely asked the brown-haired lady that was seated behind the desk. She was young, probably around 20 years old. She seemed a little nervous, as she was accompanied by a lady on her left. That lady was older, around her mid 40’s, and had long, blonde hair.

‘’Yeah, of course, what’s the name of the reservation?’’ It was probably the young lady’s first day, as she was following a tight script of questions to ask.

‘’I think it’s on Charles Leclerc, or Ferrari F1 team.’’ You smiled at the younger lady, before looking over as you felt the eyes of the older woman on you.

It never happened that you were checking in before him or any of his team, but you really had to get that meeting started.

‘’Sorry lady, but you’re not the first one to try come in this hotel.’’ The older woman said, and you furrowed your eyebrows a little at her comment.

‘’Excuse me?’’ You replied, your eyes moving from the younger lady to the older one. ‘’I know it might seem weird, but my boyfriend will arrive in a few minutes, and I have a meeting to get to, I’m sure the team doesn’t mind if I enter first.’’ You kindly responded, a soft and gentle smile on your face. ‘’He told me you were aware of this.’’ You continued, knowing Charles had told the team about the situation, and they must have told the hotel.

‘’Look, darling, we understand your problem, but there is a nice café next to the restaurant of the hotel where you can have the meeting. Those drivers want their privacy as well, and with all due respect, you’re the fourth girl trying to get into the hotel with a story like this. I’m sure you’ll get a chance to meet them, but you’ll have to do that around the track.’’ She replied, which made your mind spin. You were speechless, mostly because she thought you were a fan, but also because apparently the team hadn’t let the hotel know you were arriving earlier.

‘’I think there must have been some kind of mistake here.’’ You told the lady, but remaining to stay polite, they were doing their job, which you could only appreciate. ‘’But it’s alright, I’ll just wait here in the lobby till they arrive.’’ You said, grabbing your passport which was laying on the desk, along with your phone.

‘’Oh no, the lobby is only for hotel guests, dear, you’ll have to wait outside with the rest of them.’’ You turned around, slowly, leaning over a little to have a look at the outside of the hotel, the entrance, the gate which was closed. The gate where dozens of fans were waiting to catch a glimpse of their favourite driver.

You couldn’t be there, you’d get mobbed, knowing all too well those fans knew who you were. You didn’t want to be rude, or show off that you were Charles’ girlfriend, so you simply swallowed thickly and looked back at the lady.

‘’With all respect, miss, I’m going to get swarmed if I exit this hotel.’’ You said, reaching for your phone. ‘’I can promise you I’m not a fan, I know it might look like it, but I believe something went wrong with the message. I am Charles’ girlfriend; you can look up my name on Google if you’d like.’’ You said, showing the lady your passport with your name.

‘’I know her.’’ The younger lady spoke and looked over at you, nervously. The older lady looked at the pictures online, and her face immediately appeared to be full of guilt, shame. The younger girl looked at the woman and bit her bottom lip, a clear sign of nervosity. ‘’I do recall Rebecca mentioning something like this, there was a note on her desk this morning.’’

After both employees apologized more than once, they offered you the key for the room. However, you knew Charles would be arriving soon, so you asked them if it was okay for you to stay seated in the lobby till the team would arrive. They immediately agreed and offered you some fresh drinks on the house. 

You had just finished your meeting, which took around 30 minutes, before you could hear the fans screaming their lungs out. You got up, placed your laptop in your bag and zipped it up, making your way towards the hallway of the entrance.

‘’Babe!’’ Charles immediately had a big smile on his face when he saw you standing in the hotel.

‘’Hey, baby.’’ You giggled, feeling how his arms wrapped around your waist tightly. You could never get enough of his hugs, his embraces, it felt like heaven.

‘’How did your meeting go?’’ He asked, stepping to the side with you still in his arms to let the rest of the Ferrari team enter the hotel.

-

‘’You ready, amour?’’ You heard Charles’ low voice against your ear, his arms were tightly wrapped around your waist as he was pressing his chest against your back. You had just gotten ready to go to the track with him. Your love language was touch, and it made the both of you fall for one another even harder.

Once you had arrived at the track, the two of you passed the entrance of the paddock, many fans asking the Monegasque driver for an autograph or a selfie. It wasn’t something he wasn’t used to, and you had learned to get used to it those years you were with him. People loved him, adored him, and you could only feel proud of that same man that was loved by many.

You both decided to take a break and take a seat in the hospitality area, talking about work, your upcoming holiday and much more. Your eyes moved over his face, listening to how he was passionately talking about all the things they did at the factory a few days ago. The way his eyes were shining brightly, that small sparkle in them that could light up your day. He’d had a few rough seasons here at Ferrari, but this year went better than ever, with him leading the championship, Carlos being second in the rankings as well. Ferrari was doing much better.

‘’Come on, let’s say hi to the engineers.’’ He reached for your hand, his soft and warm one perfectly fitting into yours, like if you were made for one another. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze the moment he felt your fingers intertwining with his, and it felt reassuring. You were in love, and he made sure everybody knew.

As you walked towards the pit area, into the pitlane, you noticed a man staring at you. It made you uncomfortable, but you quickly brushed it off, assuming that it was just a fan who recognized Charles and was trying to get a closer look at the two of you.

You kept walking, holding Charles’ hand and smiled at his engineers as he greeted them.

‘’Y/n, hey, long time no see.’’ Some of the guys walked over to give you a hug, which you gladly returned.

‘’Hey guys, how are you doing?’’ You started talking to them, and Charles occasionally looked over into your direction. He felt so lucky to have you, he really was on cloud nine.

After catching up with the guys from the team, as well as talking to some of the girls on the team, you decided to walk towards the fence, moving your head from left to right to see all the teams nicely positioned in their garage boxes, working on their cars.

When you first started dating Charles, you were nervous when you’d come here, knowing people would look at you, perhaps even judge you for being Charles Leclerc’s girlfriend. But the gentleman he was, he found a way to reassure you, make you feel comfortable and keep you safe from all the paparazzi and fans that tried to get close to you.

As you were waiting, you noticed that same man from earlier step closer to you, causing you to look at him. Maybe he just wanted to have a talk, maybe he was an interviewer, or a fan?

The more he spoke, the more you got the idea he was the latter, a fan, but not particularly of Charles. You felt uncomfortable, nervous, but did not want to be rude and simply walk away. But Charles noticed. He was looking for you, since you were no longer in the garage, and the moment he saw the look on your face, and that man standing not even half a meter away from you, he sensed something was wrong.

He saw that man talking to you, and immediately made his way over towards them. As he approached, he heard the man ask if you wanted to go have a drink with him after the race.

Charles felt his blood boil. He was furious that someone was trying to hit on you, his girlfriend, right here in front of his eyes. He stepped in between the two of you, causing the man to step away to create some sort of space between him and Charles, who was glaring at him with piercing eyes.

‘’Excuse me, do you mind stepping away from my girlfriend?’’ He said, his voice dangerously low. You had never heard him talk like this, but it gave you some reassurance, once again.

The man, who had not expected Charles to react in such a manner, backed away immediately. Your boyfriend then placed a protective arm around you, walking away from that man.

‘’Do you know him?’’ He asked, clearly still somewhat angry at what just happened. You could see the anger still prominent on his face. Although you appreciated his concern, and you were glad he stepped in at that time, you didn’t want him to get into any trouble because of you.

You reached out for his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze before looking into his eyes the moment you were back in the garage. You shook your head at his question, but immediately tried to calm him down as you saw it made him even more mad.

‘’It’s okay, Charles. Thank you for protecting me, but please don’t get yourself into any trouble.’’ You said, your voice soft and calming. It helped, because you noticed Charles calming down at your words, something you always seemed to do.

He took a deep breath and looked at you, your eyes filled with love and understanding. He knew that he was lucky to have you by his side, and he didn’t want anything to come in between you two. It felt like his duty was to keep you safe, to keep you his.

‘’I’m sorry, y/n. I just can’t stand the thought of anyone trying to hurt you. You mean the world to me.’’ Charles said, his voice sincere. You knew he was meaning every single word he just said.

You simply smiled as a reply and leaned in closer to him, your lips brushing his gently before you placed a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, causing those corners to curl upward into a smile.

-

You watched the race along with his team, standing the entire time as you were nervous. You always were, because you were aware of the fact one single mistake could have big consequences, such as the car diving into the wall, with a driver still inside of it.

As the race came to an end, Charles ended up on the podium, something that had become a habit lately. The trophies at your place were starting to become more and more, and the pole position tyres were almost filling up an entire room already. But you didn’t mind, you were proud of him, and you were hoping he’d get even more trophies, and even more tyres.

As Charles was climbing out of the car, he immediately searched for you, and the moment he saw you standing in the crowd, he smiled, everybody could see it in his eyes. He went for a dive into his team, receiving pats on the back and on his helmet. He took off his helmet, along with his balaclava, and he made his way over towards you. You were already feeling the cameras and phones being in your face, but you didn’t care. He won, and that’s the most important thing here.

He pressed his lips on yours, cupping your cheek and pulling away after a second or three as he had more duties to fulfil. You watched him get to the back, into the cooldown room before he was ready to take on the big trophy.

-

You were watching behind the cameras as Charles talked to the interviewer, occasionally looking into your direction to check if you were listening, and you were, to every little thing he said. You supported him, no matter what.

However, once he walked towards Sky Sports, you got accompanied by someone else. It was that man again, the one that asked you out for a drink.

‘’So, you up for that drink now?’’ He asked, a smirk plastered on his face. Charles was doing his interviews, so at the moment, he was focussed on the interviewer, his back facing you as it was on the other side of the media pen.

‘’Sorry but no, I’m not interested.’’ You politely rejected the man, but he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. It was at this moment you got scared, as he kept getting closer and closer to you.

‘’Come on, dear, I’m sure you’d love to spend some time with me.’’ The man said, his hand slowly reaching up to brush your cheek. You immediately took a step backwards, looking around to see Charles still facing the interviewer, his back facing you.

‘’I don’t, really, please leave me alone.’’ You were starting to get nervous, anxious, because it was so crowded here, all the drivers were here, so that’s where everybody’s attention went to. And he knew, the man knew nobody was here to protect you at this moment. Nobody to tell that man to back off but yourself.

‘’Why would you say no? Come on, let me buy you a drink, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.’’ He smirked, tucking some hair behind your ear. He was getting too close, and you were looking around for help.

It was like he was aware you were nervous, but Charles looked around in the middle of his interview to try and find you. He looked behind the camera, but didn’t see you, so he simply looked back at the position you were during his other interview. And then he saw it, and the anger that was gone first came back immediately.

Without any apology to the interviewer, Charles jumped over the fence, stepping towards you and that man with heavy feet. The anger in his face was present, and it made all the camera’s, all the interviewers face him, record him.

‘’Mate, I think you didn’t get the first warning earlier today.’’ He said, stepping in between the two of you again, his arm wrapped around your shoulder protectively. You were shaking ever so slightly, feeling all cameras on the three of you.

‘’Back off, seriously, leave my girlfriend alone.’’ Charles stated, his voice low, on the edge of mad, angry, furious. You immediately reached for his left hand, the arm that was around your shoulder, and you gave him a gentle squeeze.

‘’Love, don’t get yourself in any trouble.’’ You whispered, which seemed to calm him just a tiny bit, but not enough. The man in front of you kept looking at you, and not at Charles, which only built the anger up inside of your boyfriend even more.

‘’Stop looking at her, leave her alone, step away from her.’’ He said, his eyes clearly showing he was furious. The security soon arrived, multiple people asking them to go to the media pen, so they did.

‘’This man, he’s harassing my girl, please get him away from here.’’ Charles spoke, and you felt how his grip around your shoulders tightened a little, pulling you closer to his body in order to keep you safe. The security soon took the man away, telling Charles they would handle it.

-

After the interviews, in which Charles made sure you were directly behind the interviewer so he wouldn’t lose you out his sight anymore, the both of you safely made your way back to the hotel. Your phones were already blowing up, you were trending on almost every social media platform out there. Pictures and videos of Charles jumping over the fence, him talking to that man, protecting you, people calling Charles an absolute hero, because he was.

He knew that he would always do whatever it takes to protect her, no matter what challenges lay ahead. Together, they knew that their love would always keep them strong and safe, because they always protected each other, and reassured each other. That’s what they had, and that’s called love.

[souliebird]

[[and then I met you || ch. 10]]

Series: Daredevil || Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader || Rating: Explicit

Summary:

A one-night stand years ago gave you a daughter and you are now able to put a name to her father – Matthew Murdock. Everything is about to change again as you navigate trying to integrate your life with that of the handsome and charming blind lawyer’s and Matt realizes he needs to protect his new family from not only Hell's Kitchen but from the world.

pt: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

Words: 4.2k

banner thanks to the wonderful @theradioactivespidergwen

When Minnie was six months old, you used to sleep on the couch so you wouldn't wake her up trying to get ready for bed. It would hurt your back - your couch was not very comfortable to sleep on - but you would sacrifice your comfort so she could sleep. No one in their right mind would wake a sleeping baby - even one that was always happy to go down for a nap. 

As your mind begins to stir, you become aware of the familiar ache in your lower back and the unfamiliar one pulsing around your eyes. Your hand slowly snakes up from where you had curled it against your chest and press your fingers along the bridge of your nose and up to the curve of your eyebrow, testing to see if the throbbing was sinus related. Nothing is triggered but your memories of the night before creep into your consciousness. 

Minnie with her tantrum and Matt with his amazing senses. 

You groan into the cushion as it all falls into place. Your eyes hurt from crying, not your sinuses, and you must have fallen asleep on the couch after your breakdown. 

Shame and embarrassment course through you. You hate crying and you hate that someone witnessed it. You can't imagine what he must think of you now - losing it like that. You should have been able to handle the news far better than you had and you're going to promptly apologize the next time you talk to him. You had acted so selfishly when it was clear he had control over the situation. 

But you don't have time to sit and wallow in your wretchedness - your daughter needs you to get up and be a capable adult, so you will your aching body to sit up. 

Your phone is sitting on the table in front of you, so you grab it to check the time. It's half past seven and your daughter has probably been awake for at least an hour. More shame courses through you - you always try to wake up before her so you can take care of her. You can only guess what state she is in. 

Your head spins as you stand, but you try to ignore it in favor of heading towards the bedroom. You prepare yourself to find a soiled bed - you didn't bother to change her into her night clothes and a pull-up and she is still mastering waking up when she needs to pee at night. 

The door is partially open and as you near it, you hear her tiny voice talking nonsense as she plays with something. You take a deep breath and push into the room, ready to face the start of your day.

Your mind short-circuits at what you encounter.

Both beds are clean and made, far tidier than you usually make them, and Minnie is sat on the floor with Scooby and some of her other stuffed animals, having what looks to be a tea party. To your absolute confusion, she is already dressed, and her hair has been put into pigtails with mismatched bows. You know for a fact she can't reach where you keep her hair supplies - you put them on a high shelf after she got into them to play salon before and managed to get her hair tangled so badly you had to cut things out. 

It doesn't even take her half a second to notice you and her little face breaks into the biggest smile, “Mommy!”

Still very much confused, you step forward to join the tea party circle and kneel down to be level with her. “Hi, sweetie,” you greet, trying your best to not alarm her. “Did you get dressed all by yourself?”

“Not-uh! Mister Matt helped! We watched lots of videos about hair and he made me pretty!”

You frown at that, “Mister Matt helped?” Had he stayed the night after you fell asleep? If so, where is he now? Your apartment isn't that big, and the bathroom door is open. Had he left before you woke up? You don’t like the idea of him leaving Minnie unsupervised.

Your daughter nods as she turns back to her toys, pretending to pour you a cup of tea and handing it over. You automatically pretend to take a sip.

“He helped make me pretty,” she confirms after putting her tea pot down, “now he's getting foods. Bagels!”

You turn the statement over in your mind - there is a bagel shop around the corner Minnie loves and if Matt is right about her also having enhanced abilities, maybe, just maybe, he didn't leave her unwatched. 

You bite your lip, then dare to push.

“Mouse, do you think you can tell me where Mister Matt is right now? Can you hear him?”

She doesn't acknowledge you right away, fussing with another piece of her tea set. You wait, allowing her to process what is being asked of her and watch as she slowly starts to move her head in minute movements, like she's tracking something. It's terrifying and fascinating to see a look of concentration come over her face and after about thirty seconds, she breaks into another big smile.

“He's talking to a frog!” 

“A frog..?” You ask, wondering if Matt was wrong about Minnie having heightened senses and she's playing pretend again.

“Yeah, he says…he says.. He's telling froggy he can't go to work. He's gonna stay with us!”

It clicks instantly. Matt isn't talking to a frog. He's talking to his business partner, Foggy Nelson, and as far as you know, Matt hasn't mentioned him or Karen yet by name to Minnie. 

“Can you tell where he is?” You ask again, being sure to be gentle with your question. 

“Outside,” is her response, like it is the most obvious thing in the world. “Froggies can't come inside. Do you want sugar?” She holds up her toy spoon and you offer her your tea cup.

“Yes, please.” 

She pretends to scoop sugar and you watch her in amazement. You are of course going to have to confirm that Matt was talking to Foggy, but it is so hard to believe your little one can hear that. You can't hear what is going on in your own living room, let alone outside your apartment. You cannot imagine how loud everything must be, how much input Mouse must be getting - but she doesn't seem bothered by it at all right now. 

She seems to be completely over her tantrum from yesterday and you want to ask her about it, but you aren't sure how or if she has the ability to express it. You know there are days you get overwhelmed and upset and you can't think of another way to explain it other than “too much”. You can't expect a three year old to articulate it better than you can. 

She's got a sweet little smile and part of you fears if you bring up her previous upset, it will spiral right back into a meltdown. So, you watch instead - watch as she goes back to playing make pretend with her toys, seemingly unbothered. You sip at your tea, making up a list of questions for Matt when he returns from his errand. 

Minnie plays for about five minutes before she perks up, beaming up at you, “Mister Matt asks if you can open the door, please thank you."

Her statement throws you for a moment and you aren't sure how much you like the idea of her being able to tell you all these things. It scares you - her knowing things you don't and not knowing what she does know. 

Maybe it is one of the things you and Matt can talk about - then talk about it with your sweet Mouse. You are going to have to get used to it, either way.

You push yourself into standing and motion for Minnie to come along. She scrambles up and runs out of the room, delighted laughter following her.

You are still in your clothes from the night before and you wish you had taken a moment to check your hair or even brush your teeth. You try to tell yourself it is fine, but your anxiety just argues back, and you feel like a complete slob by the time you get to the front door.

Your stomach and heart both do a funny clench at the sight of Matt, who is still sporting his borrowed shirt. You don't know if you want to fall into his arms or throw up or go hide under your covers so you can pretend all of this is a dream. Instead, you step aside so he can come inside and silently beg your mind to stop collapsing in on itself. 

“Breakfast delivery,” Matt says as a greeting, his entire face lighting up with a smile. He's holding a bag from the shop around the corner in one hand and a drink carrier with two large drinks along with a small one in his other.

You can feel your face starting to heat up and force your eyes down to the ground, mumbling, “you didn't need to do that.” 

He shrugs as he toes off his shoes, “I wanted to, and someone,” his voice turns teasing as he directs his next comments to Minnie, “wouldn't stop talking about bagels.”

Your daughter erupts into giggles, then turns and runs back towards the kitchen. Matt gives a pleased laugh, and your stomach flips again. He follows Minnie, and after you relock the door, you join them. 

They are sitting at the dining table, Mouse watching with a big smile as bagels are laid out on the table. Matt narrates for both of you, “Three egg bagels with plain cream cheese, two large coffees, and one kid’s hot chocolate. Now, is that the right order or was someone taking advantage?”

Minnie giggles more and that relaxes your shoulders. “No, that's right. Thank you, you really didn't -” You cut yourself off as you realize the table is clear of any mess from the night before. There are no plates on the table or in the sink, there's no lasagna stains on the floor, there's no leftovers sitting out. Your eyes drift to Matt. 

He must have cleaned after you had fallen asleep. Guilt courses through you - he shouldn't have to be dealing with your messes, especially in your own living space. You are going to need to not only apologize but return the favor somehow. You aren't sure how you'll do that - no one has ever done this much for you before, and Matt has done so so much in such a short time. 

You're dragged from your thoughts as a coffee is placed in front of you. 

“It's just black, I didn't know how you took it,” the kind, handsome lawyer says, and your heartbeat is so loud in your ears. It beats harder when you remember that not only can he hear your body and mind freaking out, but so can your daughter. 

Your instinct tells you to panic at the idea of someone knowing that much about you. You always try to stay calm on the outside while having a meltdown, but that doesn't matter with him. He'll know you're a mess. You can't hide it. 

You hear Matt ask Minnie something about her tea party and watch as she skips away from the table, but it's like your mind doesn't process it. You feel completely frozen because you don't know how to act - you don't know how to hide yourself from the man in front of you. You don't know how to hide yourself away from your daughter. 

How can you protect her from yourself? Your own body?

Suddenly, Matt is in front of you, cupping your cheeks with his large, warm hands and whispering your name. He's practically right on top of you, gently rubbing his thumbs over your skin, “Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. Everything is okay. Can you take a deep breath for me?”

“What?” You ask, so confused about what is going on. You don't understand why he's saying it's okay. 

“A deep breath, sweetheart. Can you take a deep breath?”

Your mind will not wrap the reason for the instruction, but you do as you are told. You inhale through your nose and that earns you a soft smile. He continues to pet you, gently instructing you to exhale after a moment and you obey. 

“Again?” He prompts and you nod. You feel shaky as you try to focus on breathing. You've always hated these exercises - they've never worked for you and have only served to frustrate you, and now you are just trying to make sure you are doing it right. How embarrassing would it be to fuck up breathing in front of Matt? 

“That's it,” he says so calmly, “Just breathe. I know it's a lot. I know. One step at a time. Let's have some breakfast, okay? Let's sit and have coffee and we can all talk. How's that sound?”

It sounds good, it sounds like the right thing to do, but your throat is clenching and not wanting to produce words, so you nod instead. 

You close your eyes to try to center yourself and somehow calm down. Matt lingers, keeping a hold of you until you hear Minnie coming back to the kitchen. It seems like he waits until the last possible moment before pulling away. 

Seeing your daughter looking so happy helps to reset your mind. She's fetched Scooby and Pig and runs up to the table to put them in their chair. You smile at the sight.

She really does seem like she's perfectly fine and maybe Matt is right and everything is okay. For now, at least. 

You force yourself into action, moving to set one of the bagels in front of Mouse, setting it on a napkin. You're going to need to transfer the hot chocolate into a mug or Mouse will spill on herself.

“Thank you, Mommy!”

She practically dives into her bagel, picking it up and taking a big bite and getting cream cheese on her cheeks. She is completely engrossed with her food.

“Thank Mister Matt, he got us breakfast,” you advise before going to get a napkin. While you are in the kitchen, you grab your creamer from the fridge.

“Thank you, Mister Matt!” she chimes before barreling on. “Mommy, did you know Mister Matt can braid hairs!”

Guilt courses through you and you remind yourself you need to thank Matt for everything he has done for you. But you tell yourself to not think of it right now - you are terrified of Minnie sensing your panic and that somehow shuts your mind down and you go into parent mode. 

“No, I didn't. Did you ask him to braid your hair?” You ask as you move in to wipe her face. She obediently tilts her face towards you and closes her eyes as you clean away the cream cheese. In the corner of your eye you see Matt sip from his coffee, a smile forming in his lips.

“She wanted puffs,” he advises, “I learned a lot of new hair terminology today. Minnie is a very good teacher.” 

Your daughter preens at the praise before taking another bite of her bagel. More cream cheese gets on her face. You decide to wait until she's done eating before tidying her up again. It will be pointless otherwise.

Instead, you start to fix your coffee, removing the lid to add creamer. You eye your daughter as you do, letting yourself finally take in her appearance. 

“You're a good stylist,” you tell Matt, and it is true. Her pigtails look even and as smooth as can be expected for a toddler. You don't see any tangles and if Minnie is happy, you have no grievances with the outcome - only guilt that Matt was the one who dealt with it. 

“I have some experience,” he hums, before taking another sip of his coffee. Then he directs his smile to his daughter, “my best friend used to have long hair. He has little nieces and they used to do his hair at Christmas, and I got roped into helping. I'm told I do a pretty good French braid.”

Mouse giggles before gasping and pointing at you, “do Mommy's hair!”

Embarrassment floods you - you don't think anyone has done your hair since you were Minnie’s age, and your current hair is a gross greasy mess and you don't want anyone touching it. 

Matt hums as he tilts his head towards you, “I think Mommy is better at doing her hair than I would be. But maybe next time?”

“Maybe next time,” you agree, hoping that will be enough to deter your daughter from this path. 

Luckily, she quickly parrots, “Next time!”

You offer her a smile and take a much needed drink of your coffee. It not only warms you but helps to ground you back into reality. 

You remind yourself nothing has actually changed - you are just more aware of the world. To Minnie, this is the same as any other day and you need to get yourself back on track. 

Which means you need to confirm some things with Matt. 

You set your coffee down, then pick up Minnie’s hot chocolate and bring it to the kitchen to transfer into one of her kid-friendly tumblers. You clear your throat, then dare to try, “Minnie said you'd be spending the day with us?”

“You told the froggy!” Mouse happily adds.

Matt looks confused for a few seconds before it must click, “Foggy, sweetheart, not Froggy. Foggy is my best friend - the one who had long hair.”

“Froggy!” Is the defiant response and you know better than to argue. Once something is named, the name sticks. But of course, Matt doesn't know this and you decide to let him learn.

“Foggy,” he tries. “Like a cloud. Not a frog.”

“Froggy!” 

“Fog. Foggy. No ‘r’.”

“Frog. Froggy! Froggy! Froggy!” Minnie bounces in her seat, starting to giggle. You return to the table, securing the lid to the sippy tumbler before placing it down.

“Ribbit ribbit,” you add and that gets you a delighted burst of laughter.

“Ribbit ribbit!”

Matt practically pouts but seems to realize he isn't going to win this. “But yes, I… told Foggy I wanted to spend the day with you. When I was in the phone, outside.” His dramatic sad face turns into something soft as he tilts his head towards Minnie, “Did you tell your Mommy you heard me?”

“I, uh, asked if she could,” you say, feeling silly for admitting it. But you know this is the path you need to take to start understanding what enhanced senses mean.

“I can hear everything,” your little one proudly says, and you've heard her say it before - but now you know she isn't just playing pretend.

“Yes, you can,” is Matt's soft reply. Unlike your underlying panic, his voice seems to carry a fondness about the whole situation. He is the one with the experience and you want to trust him with the lead on this, but it's still absolutely terrifying. 

But you know you need to set the ball up, so you gently push, “Did you know Mister Matt can also hear…everything?” You know it's not everything, at least by what Matt said, but you aren't going to get technical with a toddler. “Mommy can't, though. Mommy’s hearing isn't as good as yours and Mister Matt's.”

Mouse looks between the two of you, pursing her lips up as she thinks, then she reaches out and pats your arm comfortingly, “I'll tell you what I hears, Mommy.”

Your heart soars with so much love and you turn your hand so you can take hers and give it a gentle squeeze, “Thank you, baby.” 

“I can hears a bark-bark dog and a woofy dog,” she starts, “and there's a puppy going ‘yip-yip-yip!’”

Matt laughs a little and your focus is ripped away from Minnie and over to him. He absolutely beams at you, looking proud as can be. You wonder what this like for him - having someone else who can hear what he can.

“There's a doggy day care about two blocks north,” he informs, and it is so hard to wrap your mind around the fact your daughter can hear that far. “Clients are starting to arrive, and they are lively.”

There's a flash of brown and Minnie is waving Scooby at Matt, “Bark bark bark!”

“Is Scooby a barky dog?” He asks, leaning forward towards her and putting his elbows on the table. “Not a woofy dog?”

“Bark bark!” Is the response before Mouse makes him growl. You finally allow yourself to sit and watch the sweet interaction. Everything still feels like it's too much and swirling inside you, but seeing Matt and Minnie bond is soothing - even if it's over something you can't understand yet.

“What about Pig? Does he go bark-bark or woofy?” 

His question gets Minnie to gasp as if she's scandalized. “Pig isn't a doggy!”

“Oh, he isn't?” Matt teases, “I can't see him. What is he?”

“He's a piggy!” She snatches up Pig and clutches him to her chest beside Scooby. You hope she doesn't have cream cheese on her fingers because cleaning her toys is always an adventure. She hates when they have to get washed and now, you guess, you understand why. They probably smell different after being washed or the texture is off. It's something you'll have to explore later.

“What type of noises do piggies make?”

“Oink-oink-oink!”

“Oh, that makes sense,” he hums, then hunches forward more and lowers his voice, like he's talking in secret, “And what sounds do little girls named Minnie make?”

You finally get to take a bite of your bagel as you watch her contemplate the question. Her face screws up in thought before lighting up when she decides her answer.

“Ooogie-boogie-boo!” 

Matt throws his head back with laughter, which makes Minnie dissolve into happy giggles. The sheer joy between the two of them pulls a smile out of you and the heaviness in your chest starts to lighten more. 

“Ooogie-boogie-boo?” You question and your daughter giggles more. 

“Ooogie-boogie-boo! Like Scooby!”

You don't understand what that means but you just let the positivity continue. 

“What about Mommy? What sounds do I make?” You ask, curious what her response will be.

“Bumbum-bumbum.” They aren't words, but you instantly get it is supposed to be your heartbeat. You feel yourself start to flush. Matt had told you that Minnie listens to your heart to ground herself, so of course that is what she associates you with. But hearing it from her mouth and getting that confirmation still rocks you. 

“It's a good sound, isn't it?” Matt asks Minnie and you can imagine how red you are turning. You try to hide behind your coffee.

“The bestest,” Minnie agrees before adding, “After Scooby Song. Scooby Dooby Do! Where are you!”

“We've got some work to do now,” you half mumble, half sing with her.

“I've never heard the Scooby song,” the man beside you says and that triggers Mouse into action. She slides off her chair, and still clutching her toys, hurries across the room to the television. She knows how to bring up what she wants, so it only takes a few seconds before there is an episode starting to play on screen. 

She drops her toys and the remote before running back to Matt and tugging on his - technically yours - shirt. “You gotta listen!”

He barely gets to stand up before being pulled into the living room. He does not resist in the slightest to being directed to sit on the ground and you watch as Minnie begins to explain the intricate lore of her favorite show. To your wonder she describes each character by their voice first and you can tell Matt is completely enthralled by what he is being told. Scooby gets moved from laying on the floor to being shoved into Matt's lap so he can hold onto him. 

You realize without fanfare that you can barely hear the television. It is still on low volume from last time you had it on, and it dawns on you that you never really have it turned up too loud. Minnie can probably hear it just fine and doesn't need it blasting throughout the apartment. You never got to really watch television as a kid, and you wonder what the normal volume for watching things is supposed to be. 

You sip at your coffee, watching as Minnie plops herself next to Matt on the floor, going on excitedly about mysteries and different sounds. Both of them are smiling and laughing like they don't have a care in the world. 

This is what you want your life to be like, you decide. 

You want your family to be full of love and joy and you have fought so hard to get to this point. You've climbed your way out of a cold and distant household to make your own little corner in the world and right now you need to enjoy it instead of letting your mind be taken over by darkness and despair.

So, you set your coffee down and move to join your daughter and her father in front of the television, asking in a teasing voice, “So who is the blonde man again?”

tags:

@midnightreids @cloudroomblog @yeonalie @thychuvaluswife 

@dorothleah @mattmurdocksstarlight @mars-on-vinyl @mywellspringoflife @sleepdeprived-barelyalive @simmilarly @soupyspence @darkened-writer @akila-twt

@murc0ckmurc0ck @groovycass @sumo-b98 @just3rowsing @tongueofcat @zoom1374

@theclassicvinyldragon @aoi-targaryen @lunaticgurly @nikitawolfxo @shireentapestry @snakevyro @yondiii @echos-muses @honeybug-victoria @the-bisaster @ristare @mrs-bellingham @eugene-emt-roe @cometenthusiast @stevenknightmarc @hunnybelha @

Specialagentjackbauer @yarrystyleeza @ofmusesandsecrets 

@mayp11-blog @danzer8705 @thinking-at-dusk @remuslupinwifee @akila-twt  @mattmurdocks6thscaleapartment @dil3mma @allllium 

@

two-unbeatable-beaters @kiwwia-wiwwia @1988-fiend @xblueriddlex @loves0phelia @ninacotte @lovelyygirl8 @littlenosoul @ednaaa-04  @ astridstark13

[silvergarnet12]

Splatoon was the first Nintendo game to push me out of my comfort zone of single player games, and with the closure of it's servers I wanted to draw a tribute to a game that really means a lot to me.

Some long rambles about the game under the cut.

When I first played the Global Testfire I was 15, and the only mutliplayer games I played were with friends in the same room.

Splatoon was also the first shooter I ever picked up, as I always liked bright colours over more realistic graphics in my games, and back then the only shooters I knew about were Halo(and that was only really a name to me!) and the CoD games.

Any worries I had about being bad quickly vanished as the sheer vibe of chaotic fun the game had, particularly when no one had played it before, got rid of any worries, and all I remember is having fun. And choosing to play as the guy instead of the girl for the first time, solely becuase I wanted a ponytail like in real life(I would continue to use the guy through the series as a tradition, a contrast to what I saw most people online doing).

When the game came out I binged the single player, and vividly remember the first time I fought DJ Octavio, and the first time I heard Calamari Inkantation. If ever a game was to convince me that a song could irreversibly change your life, it was Splatoon. Because to teenage me, in that moment, with Calamari Inkantation playing in the background while I fought an octupus DJ, it did.

It gave me terminal brainworms for this series. And here I am, 8 yrs later. Older and more tired, been through some shit, had some good times, tried, succeeded and failed in things throughout the years.

I've always been grateful that they made the decision for the player character from 1 to return, everytime they've shown up it's felt a bit like seeing an old friend, especially since as the games time skips have always had them close to my age(which probably helped my attachement back in the first game). So hi Three, can't believe we both probably pay taxes now.

I have the original two Inkling Amiibos, in a collection that is slowly building, I'm still attached to Marie, and yes I was on her team for the Final Splatfest.

I cried when it was over, just like I did in 2's Final Fest(I was team chaos, two for two baby!) and will probably do so for 3's as well. Something about this series just makes me super attached to it's world and characters.

So booyah Splatoon, my final online game of yours was well and truly years ago, but I replayed story mode to share you with a friend recently, and I think I'll refight Octavio tonight in honour of the good times.

You encouraged me to try out games I wouldn't have otherwise(hello Overwatch and Deep Rock Galactic), and outlasted one of the other major games of my teenage years(...Overwatch 1 I miss you). So thank you for that.

I'll miss Squid Jump, Inkstrike, the og kit for the NZap 89(why does it's new one not vibe with me ;-;), the Squid Sister's broadcasts and the more saturated colours. At least I can always return to the Plaza in 3, and that Spyke isn't dead like I was concerned he was when 3 released, and see the Squid Sisters perform during Splatfests again.

I have so much more to say in my heart about you but no more ways to word it.

You've been a fantastic game, and will always be a treasured experience that I am grateful to have been a apart of from the very beginning.

Now bring back Moray Towers in 3 damn it! It's in 2 but I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY FAVOURITE STAGE IF IT"S NOT IN 4.

[mist-see]

I don’t wish you well, Masterlist

Prologue.

I don’t wish you well.

Inspired by Brent Faiyaz;

Yandere reader x Neytiri x Jake

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

⚠️Warnings (for the whole story)⚠️; Mention of killing, obsessive thoughts, blood, women rage, yandere reader, possessive reader, violence

You and Neytiri have been together since you were babbling. You’ve been with her through everything, the two of you sisters in bond. You were there when she got her adult teeth, made her first loincloth, sharpened her first knife, got her first hunt, and even made her first bow. You were even there when the sky demons raided sa’nok Grace’s school, even there to bury the dead, to bury her older sister, Sylwanin. It was as if something had clicked that day, possession.

She couldn’t be the next person you’d lose, no. She had to be safe, always.

You no longer seen the girl as a sister but as a potential mate. You’d always loved her, no need to deny it. Who wouldn’t love her? She’s absolutely beautiful, everything she does is beautiful.

She was someone you needed to protect and have your whole life, someone you’d give your life up for if that meant they’d have a longer one. You became cautious, possessive, and even more so when she was promised to Tsu'tey. You felt as though your heart stopped. What was it all for? Protecting her, putting your life in danger just for her to no longer have the chance to be yours?

But you figured it was for the best because you knew Tsu’tey. He loved Neytiri, but he wasn’t in love with her as he had lost his true mate, Sylwanin, the year before. You’d know he’d protect her if you were not there. Yet you never stopped, always there when she needed you, even when she didn’t need you.

Then someone comes to ruin it.

Jake Sully.

That was the Alien's name.

Her concerns were no longer on training with Tsu’tey, no, it was now placed on this newcomer, a traitor that got your friend killed just last year. At least that’s how you saw it. So her attention slowly started to pry from you, but you knew she wasn’t ignoring you as you did greet each other and check up now and again. She was forced, to take care of the man-child, it wasn’t her fault.

But why? Why was he here? Why was he looking at her like that? Why was she looking at him like that? And why do you feel like you could burn the world every day you see them go out into the woods to be alone?

It was one thing to be in an arranged marriage. You trusted the groom. But to fall in love with a man who comes from nowhere is something you just won’t allow.

And so you begin to plan it out. To plan the hunting of Jake Sully. But he was never alone, no, always occupied with Neytiri, or even with the other hunters for training. Never alone.

So you traded a few arrows, ones that weren’t yours. Because every weapon was custom to your fitting, it would be stupid if you use your arrow, they’d know it was you.

You decided to do it at night, praying he’d stray away from Neytiri being the curious man he was. But he didn’t. But one thing about being the best female worrier in the clan, you blended well. You hid in the shadows as if you came from them.

So you decided you’d take his life right where the love of your life stood.

Until you couldn’t.

You were warned that day.

____________

A mini series

If you want to be added to the tag list, comment below ❤️;

[thefuturesbright]

Stuff for the Sonic Movie 3 that I wanna see

Gonna go ahead and get the controversial one out of the way I honestly don’t think they’re gonna do Sonadow because Sonic is 14/15 in the movie and Shadow looks like a teenager but has been frozen for 50 years and probably experienced top 5 years of life before that so who fucking know how old he is also cause Paramount will likely get shit from conservatives and they probably don’t want to risk that but I need to see Sonic lose his shit at seeing another Hedgehog cause like I said a few post ago he’s supposed to be the last hedgehog.

Something happening to Tom, Maddie, Tails, and/or Knuckles cause yes I do need to see Sonic go rage mode. We got fucking super Sonic. Shadow and Sonic are supposedly gonna fight in the air while Shadow is on his motor bike. Doesn’t necessarily have to be Dark Sonic but I need to see Sonic go rage mode and fucking…bash some robots or shit idk what’s in the movie.

I want to see Shadow get almost adopted but then Sonic says some shit like “Wachowskis Forever” and spoiler alert Tom’s Granddad killed Maria and Shadow has a identity crisis or some form of that cause the Wachowskis now are grey but a Wachowski then killed a kid and he goes and like lives alone and this is where he meets Rouge setting up Sonic 4

Obviously Chaos Control is gonna have to be a thing

I’m glad that Robotnik is slowly becoming his video game counterpart however I don’t want to see fat jokes or at least that many

I swear to god I need to hear Shadow cuss. I need to hear him say Damn I think that’s the only swear that they can use to keep it PG.

Metal. Sonic. In the end credit.

And finally…I need to see Knuckles wearing a cowboy hat

[fantasy-mixtapes]

Fig Faeth Junior Year Playlist: Side A

It's no surprise that Fig Faeth's playlist is the one that I actually listen to the most. It's just a very good vibe and I love her. Took extra time to Song descriptions and thoughts down below. Spoilers for Episodes 1-10.

Genres included: Pop-punk, Punk, Alternative

1. hair out, Stand Atlantic

Am I fuckin' up my life? I'm just tryna make improvements Slowly givin' up the fight But I gotta cover up the bruise That I get from all the Expectations give me vertigo Wasting away to the pressure The pressure, The pressure, oh

This song is such an earworm, scratching a specific itch in my brain. Love the fact that both Kristen and Fig (the failing girlies) start with a Stand Atlantic song, and it works with the way that Fig is coming at this season. From the jump, she is one of the most visibly and audibly burnt out, specifically from the pressure of the "sophomore album" that was supposed to come out months ago. This song is definitely about the pressures of a songwriter as well as the pressures of life in general so it fits sooooo perfectly. Especially with the "I can already here people hating the song" outro *chefs kiss*

2. Who The Hell Am I?, NOBRO

God, I'm tired of being like this I can change, but in a minute Always looking for the back door, on the run Always at the party, never quite having fun Play with fire, and you're gonna get burned I'm on fire, and you know it hurts I was always on the outside looking in Maybe it's me 'cause I never wanna fit in

Fig's class struggles, her conversation with Mazey, I can't take it. I feel like we've all been there. I really love how the narrative with her has progressed, like last season was deconstructing her need to mold herself into other people (or into an idealized version of herself) now she's trying to figure out who she is at her core without all the disguises.

3. 7 Years Bad Luck, Glasseater

Something strange seems to be plaguing me Everything I touch falls apart I've lost it all, losing all my luck Suffering 7 years bad luck

I don't particularly love this song, a little too unintentionally underproduced, but it deserves a spot on this playlist. I feel like I would be Fig in the curse situation. It took me a literal year to deal with debilitating stomach problems, and I, too, waited until my friends noticed to actually do something about it. Either way, can't wait to learn more about the weird Galier Pride curse, love the representation for my stomach problem girlies

4. Where the Heart Is, Sweet Pill

Get this My mind's been in a million places but my body hasn't moved an inch And I feel like I'm missing out again Ignoring my plans Wondering how they went Feeling bad about it If I could just take a chance I wouldn't feel so bad To see past myself I wouldn't feel so bad

This is Fig's final decision to try Paladin after doing so well with Warlock. She knows the priorities in her gut don't match with what anyone else says, but she's discovering her loyalty. She's figuring out her actual drive... following her heart <3

5. Impostor Syndrome, Sidney Gish

Unfortunately, I am My own dog, my own fur companion My own old lady on a forum Who types in glittery decorum Unfortunately, I take Myself out walking every day and I had my legs to the feet and I give my head to the leash

Making Fantasy High playlists is like making a ven diagram of which dog-themed songs are Tracker-coded and which are Fig-coded. This one, to me at least, is Fig-coded. (yes, I do have a tracker playlist, and yes, every song in it is dog/wolf specific, BUT THEY'RE GOOD OK). We love our Oath/Pact of the German Shepard.

6. You Owe Me Nothing In Return, Alanis Morissette

I'll give you countless amounts of outright Acceptance if you want it I will give you encouragement to chose The path you want if you need it You can speak of anger and doubts Your fears and freak outs And I'll hold it

So I know that we're gearing up for Fig's Warlock/Paladin agreement post "mooner yulenear," but this is my interpretation of what it's going to look like. She cares about her friends, and she would do anything for them! And though I know this song came out in 2002, Alanis Morissette is a 90's icon and perfect for the grungy riot grrrl vibe I see for her

[freshcut-chetney]

I think the thing that's really bothered me and made me drift from CR in the past few months is just how rushed it's felt. I truly don't know if it's because the cast are tired of doing this after years, if Matt's tired of DMing after years, or if they thought a faster paced campaign would be better but personally I have not been fully vibing with it since the start.

The fact that a character tied to VM was introduced as their guide in the first episode, already distracting from the story because everyone was going crazy for more VM cameos. That he died in episode 3 and they named their group after this stranger who knew them for 72 hours. This felt like Matt trying to recreate the heartbreak of losing a party member in C2, but because it was a scripted death from a character that was only around for 3 episodes and had made almost no meaningful connections to others in the group, it didn't feel that impactful.

The What The Fuck Is Up With That game took away so much from finding out the characters backstory slowly. C2 characters were so cagey about their backstories, it was a treat to find out more things. I don't think we even found out about Caleb's real training until episode 60? But with C3, suddenly we have most of the characters revealing their backstory or at least big chunks of their backstory by episode 6.

That they were pushed into finally choosing a group name when, at least for M9, the name came more naturally.

The fact that it seems like the big bad has already been revealed and they've been working on taking them down for over 40 episodes now. C2 Big Bad was revealed after episode 100. (I'm hoping this is all a red herring and the real big bad will come later but it's hard to top Evil Moon as the big bad)

I haven't watched C3 since episode 76 but downtime was so little last I watched, it felt like M9 got a lot more downtime to fuck around and have these deep and funny moments. Idk it all feels rushed to me and it's been hard trying to stick with it.

I really hope that if we get Campaign 4, we have a similar structure to C2. More downtime, less immediate backstory reveals, AND especially not doing constant callbacks to C1. Having VM get involved is cool for fans of C1, but even with how little Matt has them do, it still feels like they're supervising BH. BH are supposed to come into being heroes in their own right but it feels like so much of C3 since VM was introduced has been BH looking up at VM like "is this okay? Should we do this? How can we save the world like you guys did?"

[cult-of-the-eye]

( this is on the post of the list of The Fears from scariest to least scary)

please tell me your thoughts about The Fears

1. To me the corruption is the scariest cause wdym there's something inside me slowly rotting me inside to out and there's nothing I can do about it apart from let it take me and it hurts and there's no known cure (btw I am deathly afraid of getting cancer)

2. Flesh isn't as scary as corruption cause like it could be removed from the idea of life, we used to go to the Bangladeshi butchers and watch then cut slabs of frozen fish using their huge machines and shit but also gore and body horror kinda terrifies me, it goes hand in hand with medical horror, like someone's been sliced in half and you realise just how fragile human life is, how at the end we're just organs that are pumping blood and moving chemicals around.

3. Slaughter is less scary than the others cause it could be comforting being killed as a collective but also the theme of death continues, the idea of masses of bodies is so very human in it's causes and consequences and doesn't feel so fictional

4. Buried is less scary than the others cause it's less about death but listen. my entire life I've been terrified that I'm just gonna get stuck somewhere. Like I once couldn't get a churi (bracelet) off my wrist and I got so panicked I just smashed my wrist against a wall to break it off. So yah.

5. The stranger is less scary than the buried cause I could run away from the stranger but the idea that this person I know is not at all who I thought they were is bone chilling. It feels like betrayal at its core.

6. Dark is less scary than the stranger cause over the years I've gotten slightly less scared of the dark but I've gotten more scared of people not being who I thought they were. The dark is comforting, it's a sensory neutral and a life saver on some days. Other days i sprint up the stairs cause I'm scared the murderers hiding in the cupboards will stab me.

7. Mmm now that I think about it I'd probably put web a little higher cause I despise the idea of being manipulated, like don't fucking do that to me, if you want something just fucking ask. But maybe I was right to put it here cause it mostly just makes me irritated than scared.

8. This is the mm kinda chill territory I think cause spiral is just how I spend my life, my brain is not a fun place to be so yeah I'd enjoy being the incarnation of indescribable for the rest of my existence but also the idea of losing my control over myself is a little scary despite my having so much experience in it

9. The eye is ok, I feel some comfort in being watched over, never been left alone, constantly needing information like I get it, I was an autistic 7 year old gorging myself on horrible histories once. But also like if eyes started growing on me I'd start screaming and never stop but I think that's more body horror than beholding

10. The vast is so fucking comforting like the idea that I could just be inconsequential in the face of everything, I could maybe just relax and float in the nothingness for a while. But then also I'm scared of drowning so like I'm bringing arm bands

11. Everything ends. I'm good with consistency and the idea that everything ends makes me feel like there's something to keep going for. I'm not good with endings but what comes after, I am extremely skilled at.

12. I adore the desolation. Oh how I've fantasised about giving it all up, watching it burn before me, the cruel satisfaction in it. I like how quiet everything is after it's been destroyed. A clean slate.

13. Yeah so I have re occurring dreams about being hunted. I think it's half the idea about being wanted enough for someone to pursue me if I run but also the comfort of survival mode. The comfort of knowing the fight won't ever end.

14. The lonely. Oh man. Let's just say I'm on 40mg of fluoxetine for a reason.

[benkeibear]

☰ 𝐆𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤

⧫ Character: Shinichiro

꒰ ͜͡➸In every Timeline (1) | ꒰ ͜͡➸Losing you (3)

⧫ Reader: female | AFAB

⧫ Wordcount: 3.0k

⧫ Summary: Part 2 of In every timeline. The fate came crashing down on Shinichiro after he went back to save Mikey

⧫ WARNINGS: manga spoilers, major character death

⧫ A/n: don’t want to miss a post? Sign up for my Taglist in my Navi! (This is a repost from my old blog)

// 4 years later //

It was a sunny afternoon when you pushed the wheelchair Mikey sat in out of the hospital, smiling softly when the first rays of sunshine illuminated his skin, thinking how nice it must feel for him to leave the boring walls of the hospital even if it's just for a few hours a day. “Did you hear that Haruchiyo gets released tomorrow again?” You asked him, waiting a short while “Shinichiro planned on picking him up… Takeomi still doesn't talk with him” you continued, filling him in on the latest news. It felt like you were talking to yourself but you didn't mind, knowing that he might not be able to answer but he does understand and he deserves to know what's going on around him.

The rest of the way you told Mikey about your day, filling him in on the latest gossip from your work like every week when you round the corner to the local park, going up the small hill with him, just like you did when he was younger, having picnics with his family at the very same spot. It sure was harder to get there now, having to push his wheelchair all the way uphill but you never minded it, wanting to make Mikey happy as much as you could. Once you reached the very top you put a thin blanket around the boy, shielding him from the soft breeze as you crouched down next to him to hold his hand. “I can't believe that it's been 4 years already” you mumbled with a small frown but quickly shot him a smile “your brother is doing so great… Today is his last exam - i’m sure he aces it” you explained happy, proud of how Shinichiro handled everything. You were well aware that he wouldn't have made it this far without you after his grandpa died and Emma left, he was all alone with Mikey, trying to work at the hospital and to study to become an official caregiver, all while studying. It was you who made sure he got at least a few hours of sleep and that he ate, moving in shortly after Emma left. You never once complained about the situation, happy to be this close with him but it still hurt your heart that you couldn't be with him, there was simply no time for the both of you.

After two hours of enjoying the view you slowly got ready to go back to the hospital. Wrapping the blanket tighter around Mikey you smiled at him once again before slowly walking on “I'm sure your brother is done by now” you mumbled lighthearted, taking faster steps towards the big building. You were right - Shinichiro was already sitting outside, bouncing his leg in an impatient manner, a big smile appearing on his face once He saw both of you rounding the corner. “They said I did well!” He exclaimed excited, ruffling Mikeys hair and giving you a tight hug before taking the wheelchair from you, smiling softly at you. “And thank you again for taking care of this little Munchkin… In general, thank you for everything” he mumbled tired but appreciative, hoping you can take care of your own things soon again.

You would have thanked him but the way he put it sounded like this, like Mikey was a burden to you, which wasn't the case at all. “Don’t thank me for that you Idiot! Mikey is my little brother after all” you protested, shooting him an angry look which made him pout shortly, his eyes seemingly empty as if his head is somewhere else. This was one of those moments again where his heart ached, where his heart yearned for you and he wanted nothing more but to kiss you and hold you close against his body - but he couldn't. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. He shook his head ever so slightly and went inside with you, having to bring Mikey back to his room before gently holding his hand. “I’ll be back tomorrow as always… But Baji and Haruchiyo are coming to visit too” he explained with a big smile, already looking forward to see Haruchiyo again. You waved goodbye to Mikey and left the room with Shin, pulling him into a tight hug once the door was closed, letting go of a breath you didn't know you were holding, head buried in his chest. “I know… I know he's looking worse every day. But we’re all doing our best” he whispered, letting his hand brush through your hair in a weak attempt to soothe you. It was hard on him as well but right now He had to be there for you, after all he had learned a long time ago that this will happen sooner or later and he had time to prepare himself. But how do you prepare yourself to lose a loved one? How do you prepare to say your last goodbye and let them go? It was impossible but at the same time inevitable.

You collected yourself after a few short moments in Shinichiros arms, wiping the few tears away that managed to escape and giving him a timid smile. “Sorry… I know it's hard on you too” you apologized sincere and held onto his arm as you two made your way to his bike, wanting to go home and just call it a day. The ride was spent in silence, just you holding extra tight onto your friend as you tried to swallow down the rollercoaster of emotions inside of you. Once you arrived at the Sano residence you warmed up the leftovers from the previous day, neither of you in the mood to actually cook. Dinner was served with a bottle of wine, feeling like you needed it to get your brain to think of anything but the inevitable fate of Mikey.

2 hours later and the bottle was emptied by the both of you, Shinichiros cheeks slightly pink from the effect the alcohol had on his body and your plan worked - both of you were thinking of something else, of each other to be precise. Before either of you could realize it, your lips were already connected with each other, a soft sigh escaping you at the contact. Just as quick as it happened you two pulled apart, head spinning as your mind was racing, Shinichiro didn’t look any different, a thousands possible outcomes running through his mind but he pulled you onto his lap, crashing his lips onto yours again, hoping you're feeling the same connection. You did - kissing him back just as eager as your arms looped around his neck, fingers playing with the hair in the nape of his neck as your lips danced against each other. He didn't even notice how his hands slipped under your shirt, resting on your back to feel your skin and pull you impossibly close to him. This was a moment both of you only dared to dream of happening, his tongue slipping into your mouth to deepen the kiss.

Just as quickly as things escalated, you forced yourself to stop this, not able to just casually hook up with Shin when both of you wanted more but never had the time to maintain a relationship. As if both of you sobered up upon your lips disconnecting, you looked at the other with shock, neither of you daring to move. “This shouldn't have happened… We can't do this” you eventually whispered, feeling your heart break all over again so you leaned in once more, kissing him with all the love you had to give before quickly going to your room, locking the door behind you the second it fell shut. Shinichiro sat on the couch for a while longer, head buried in his hands as he silently cried into them. The day was already hard enough, he didn't need to have his heart broken all over again but he understood - you two wouldn't work out and he didn't want to destroy this friendship, though it still hurts.

// 2 months later //

With a tight grip on Shinichiro’s hand you approached the casket to say your final goodbye to your little brother, trying your best not to cry as you saw the boy laying there, eyes closed and a small smile on his terribly thin face. Silently you two stood there, thanking Mikey and wishing him well on his last journey, may it be a peaceful one.

It was a small funeral, only Mikeys closest friends were there and once everyone bid their friend and brother farewell. It was Shinichiro who left first, needing some fresh air. With shaking hands he lit a cigarette, inhaling the smoke with ragged breaths when he saw you coming out of the building as well, seemingly looking for him. Once you found him, you couldn’t find any words, wanting to comfort your friend, be there for him but nothing came out so you leaned your temple against his chest, reaching up to take his cigarette so you could have some of it too. “Since when are you smoking?” He asked cold but you couldn’t seem to answer, the grief sitting deep within you as you felt your body shudder again before soft sobs managed to escape your lips. Shinichiro wanted to comfort you, he wanted to hold you but he couldn't, he couldn't even comfort himself at this moment so he just let you cry into his chest, one arm wrapped around you as the other took the cigarette from you so he could finish it.

“Oi Shin, wanna grab a drink?” Wakasa called from a small distance and you felt his head shot up, nodding shortly after and without another word he left you standing there, crying into your own hands. He hated himself for leaving you behind like this but he couldn't do this, he couldn't be there for you and act like everything was alright when nothing was - and he knew how childish it was, but he was angry. Angry that you broke his heart more than once. Angry at himself for being this bitter when it was his own fault in the first place.

At the bar he heard another group of men talk about some homeless guy who talked about traveling through time and at any other day Shinichiro wouldn't even have listened but the desperation of losing Mikey made him lose his mind. “Where did you say was that guy?” He asked serious, earning himself a round of laughter as they couldn’t believe he was so naive to believe in something this childish. Shinichiro didn't care anymore, leaving the bar once He had his answer, Wakasa walking right behind him “Oi, Shin! The fuck's wrong with you?” He barked as Shinichiro confronted the homeless guy, making himself look like a lunatic. “Shut up” the black haired man growled at his friend who left shortly after, clearly fed up with Shinichiros behaviour.

“I wanted these powers so much, that I got them by killing the person in front of me” the homeless guy laughed and packed his things, leaving the spot under the bridge with his few belongings. Shinichiro couldn't think straight anymore, picking up the closest object, a metal pipe, and smashing it over the strangers head - over and over again until his skull was flat. He quickly realized what just happened, staring at his hands and the scene in front of him with anger and disgust. “I- I killed him” he whispered to himself, relieve washing over him as He realized that he could go back to change the past, go back to save Mikey and set things with you right. “Go back. Go back…GO BACK” he stared at his hands as he screamed from the top of his lungs but nothing seemed to happen, a desperate laugh escaping his lips. Losing everyone around him left him crazy, believing in such a childish thing… Time traveling… How naive he was.

Standing on top of the bridge, Shinichiro looked down into the muddy river, tears flowing freely as he thought about his next move, taking one stop forward. The last thing he heard was how you called his name out in Horror as you jumped after him in hopes to save him…

—

“MOVE MOVE MOVE” Mikey screamed, landing his foot right in Shinichiros face when he jumped over the couch, model airplane in his hand. Once He came by again he started to cry, hugging Mikey close who tried to free himself from his brothers grasp, calling him weird for hugging him out of nowhere. The embrace ended and the oldest Sano wiped his tears away, taking the airplane away from Mikey who tried to reach for it, unable to get his hands on his beloved model because of the way Shinichiro held it up “Don't ever touch this again. Never” he spat serious, hating this piece of plastic once the memories sat back in before locking it away in his room, making it impossible for Mikey to get his hands on it again. “That's unfair Shin! I had so much fun” he protested and stomped outside to his friends, complaining loudly about what an Idiot his brother is.

“Did you really have to be this strict? It's just a toy and there's no way his kick was that bad!” Takeomi tried to reason from his spot on the couch but Shinichiro didn’t pay his comment any mind, relieved that Mikey is safe - he did it, didn’t he? Mikey is safe so there's just one thing he has to fix now… “Do me a favor and have an eye on them - I need to do something important” he mumbled, already running out of the room, leaving his friend no other choice but to be the babysitter.

He arrived at your place out of breath, the butterflies in his stomach doing cartwheels when he lifted his hand to knock at your door with a shaking hand. “Shin? Is everything o-” you couldn’t even finish your question, getting cut off with a kiss. You were too shocked to react, pulling back once you realized that your best friend is kissing you this very second. Looking down to your feet you tried to avoid the puppy eyes he's giving you, scared of your next words since he knew this situation all too well, already knowing what your next words will be. “P-please don't… Don't ever do this again. You're like a brother to me and this is…weird” you whispered out after taking a deep breath, the shock of this kiss still sitting deep inside your bones.

His face fell upon hearing your words, heart breaking once more at your rejection… was it all just a lie? Did you pity him? “B-but you said you loved me?” He whispered out more to himself than to you and you sighed, heart clenching in your chest when the tension around you was thick enough to suffocate you. “I never said that Shin… But I do love you - just not like this” you tried to reason, not knowing what's suddenly going on with your friend. Sure you had a crush on him as a child but you were long over it, not seeing him as anything else but a platonic friend. He laughed, that's all there was left to do - laugh at how stupid he was, thinking He can just show up at your doorstep and confess his love in the stupidest way, and with that he left, not saying another word.

As if there was a sudden shift in the air, you couldn’t stand to be around him anymore, needing hours to respond to a simple message he sent, coming up with excuses why you can't see him that day. “I’m such an Idiot” he whispered at his Phone screen, his last message not even going through anymore and the message you sent with this was clear, you cut him out of your life. Staring at your screen through tear stained eyes you blocked his contact, hoping he won't try to come over. The situation was too much for you to handle, too weird to just move on like nothing happened. It was his heartbroken expression you kept seeing every time you closed your eyes and the guilt of being just another rejection sat deep in your heart, unable to shake it off.

Days weren't the same anymore without you and Shinichiro became a shell of his former cheerful self, barely leaving his room anymore next to going to work, not seeing a point in taking care of him when he lost one of the most important people to him because of a stupid mistake. The fact that he will never see your smile again, never hear you laugh from one of his stupid jokes and never gets to hold you again ate him up from the inside. “When does y/n come over again? I need her to paint my nails” Emma asked him, earning a pillow being thrown against her head “she won't come over again” was all he said in a cold voice, worrying even Emma but she didn't dare to ask, leaving him to be miserable once again. The moments spent with Mikey were the only thing that made him smile but they became more rare with every passing month, making him wonder if he should dare to leap once again. He was happy that Mikey was okay, knowing that he will be safe and sound if he goes back again but he needed to fix this, he needed you to fix him, he needed your love like his lungs needed oxygen. The loneliness was destroying him from the inside, wondering if he jumps from that bridge again - will he be able to go back? Can he fix what happened one year ago? He would be fine with being just your friend, laying his greed for your love aside if that meant you will stay in his life.

[l00na24]

I Got Your Six - Chapter 4

Warnings: PTSD, Drugs, dark themes

Word Count: 9.8k

A/N: I'm sorry I kept you all waiting for so long but finally our boys are here 😍 This was a whole roller coster but I enjoyed so much writing it! Just wanna put a little warning again here that it will get a bit dark at some point, so please be aware!

3 days later, 5 PM, Florida, Pinellas County

As Santiago entered the boys’ changing room in the gym where Benny’s fight took place today, he got greeted by Will for a second time, having already met him a few hours earlier when he listened his speech at the Veteran’s community center where Will was working, after coming back from Columbia for over 3 years.

He had hoped that he was able to at least convince the boys of his plan for the recce, since his first shot with the one person he hadn’t seen for years had gloriously failed.

He hadn’t expected her to come, hell, even that she would read his letter he had sent her. But when she was standing there in front of him in that café, he thought he was dreaming for a moment, couldn’t quite believe that she really had followed his invitation. He had never forgotten the day it happened, the one thing that seemed to haunt him forever. The moment they had lost her for good. It was imprinted in his brain and that would never change, regardless how much he had tried to forget and get over it the last years. And now, after he had met her again, it felt like it was yesterday. Before everything fell slowly apart. They weren’t the team they were before anymore after it happened, no, they never had been the same team again with the most important part missing forever. Her, the heart and soul of the team that kept them all together like they were one being. Every single one of them a different part of it but equally important to the whole unity. A unity that was torn apart to never be whole again.

The moment he had looked in her eyes for the first time again, he knew she wasn’t the same. She looked the same but everything else was so different that he wouldn’t have recognized her if he wouldn’t have known her. There was something to her he didn’t know. He couldn’t put his finger on it but he sure as hell didn’t like it. The way she had spoken to him with a coldness in her voice and eyes she never had before, like she would’ve wanted to kill him right there in an instant if he would’ve made one wrong move. And the way she blew up at him at the mention of the other boys or her reaction toward the waitress, not to mention how she had addressed him. Santiago had kind of felt like he was back to the day in that building again after they had found her, when she had driven that knife in the wall next to Tom, shaking with anger. It was the first moment in his life he had felt something close to fear besides the part when they found her. That day it wasn’t their girl, their little, fragile butterfly, that had been standing before them, it had been an entirely different person none of them knew. Something dark and twisted from the original.

All of them had paid the price for losing her differently.

Santiago had busied himself with constantly thinking about their next mission, strategies, plans, whatever he could find just so he was occupied all the time and couldn’t let his mind wonder over different things. After he retired, he had thrown himself headlong into his work with the DEA down in South America, only to realize at some point that there would be always a part of her with him, regardless what he tried to do. There was no escape. And when the chance arose to finally get a shot at Lorea, he knew he had to muster up the balls and at least try to ask her if he wanted to get the whole team back together for this.

But would she even want to hear anything from him after they never had tried once to contact her for 8 fucking long years? He knew he deserved all the hate she would have for him, for what they had allowed to happen but secretly another part of him had hoped, she would still feel at least a little bit of this special connection they once had all shared. His answer came right the moment he had opened his mouth, making it clear that she didn’t want to hear anything besides what he wanted to talk about with her. He didn’t know what he expected her reaction to be but certainly not the one he got. It felt like someone had stabbed him and dug long, sharp claws deep into his skin to rip him open right after. So the only thing he could do was the one thing he was good at, pretending that it didn’t hurt him and play the tough soldier he was, getting straight down to business like it was the most casual thing in the world.

Santiago was still somehow holding on to the small hope that she would maybe change her mind and call him. She still had time, he told himself. And he had yet to tell the others about it but with that he would wait till the very last second until he could be sure what her final decision would be. If she wouldn’t come, there was no point in revealing to them what he had done but if she did… maybe it would give them a second chance. Just maybe.

“What'd he say?” Will questioned, referencing to their friend Tom, Santiago had visited after coming to Will first, blue eyes looking at his Spanish brother as he stopped slightly left of the bench the older Miller was sitting on with a black hoodie and a dark blue shirt underneath, blue jeans and black shoes.

“He's taking a look at it.” Santiago answered, hoping he could convince their captain to join his plan to get Will on board too. “He may not be up for this.” He warned.

“You know he's the best with something this complex.” Will pointed out, still holding eye contact. “And he needs this right now.”

He knew Tom hadn’t been doing great after he had been forced to retire at some point and all the stuff that had happened between him and his wife Molly that caused them to split. The only things he had left were the two girls they shared and he still took care of and the job he had to sell condos around town, which he wasn’t good at and didn’t like anyway but it was better than nothing with supporting two households and the bills he had to pay. Will visited him from time to time, making sure he was doing somewhat okay since they didn’t live far from each other like mostly all of them except Santiago who was most of the time in Columbia.

The captain was probably the only one that didn’t take it that hard than the other four boys. Not that he didn’t care about the girl in their group, but they were never that close, him being the difficult man he was and having a family anyway. It was never more than a kind of platonic friendship among teammates if you could’ve called it that, but it still hurt him too to a degree to lose her so unexpectedly.

“All right.” Leaning with his shoulder against the wall beside him and putting his hands in the pockets of his jacket, Santiago looked around the room for a moment before turning back to Will, hearing the loud, roaring crowd from outside in the background.

The older one of the Miller brothers was a different topic. Everything went quite literally downhill for him after the loss of their girl. He had met his fiancé one time when he was back in Florida, she was kind, caring and everything he could have wished for and yet she could’ve never compared to her. She always had been his most important anker, knew him like nobody else did. Could read him and the signs by his body language.

Only she wasn’t there that time when his PTSD reared its disastrous head again when he was standing in that cereal isle. It was like something inside him just snapped and he wasn’t in control anymore. He nearly had killed that man before his fiancé had even noticed what was happening and desperately tried to stop him, to get him out of his furious state. First it seemed that all her attempts were futile, screaming and pleading to Will to stop until she jumped on his back in one final attempt to snap him out of it. Thankfully it worked and he instantly let the man go, not knowing what had happened as he looked into the pale face of the gasping man he had in a deathly headlock seconds ago and the tearstained and fearful features of his fiancé that had gotten off of him, not knowing how to handle the situation and what she had just witnessed.

That’s when she had decided she couldn’t be with a man like him any longer, too scared of Will and what he was really capable of despite being together for a few years and already engaged. So, she broke up with him right after it had happened, left him as fast as she could in the middle of the chaos he still hadn’t fully comprehended. His PTSD never had been a problem back then with their girl because she was the one he could always ground himself on when he needed to and if the rare moment came where it threatened to overwhelm him, she was there before it could even begin to escalate, soothing him till he managed to push through it. There was always this special understanding between them where they didn’t need any words to communicate because they complimented each other perfectly.

The man thankfully refrained from pressing any charges when he heard about the reason of Will’s action. Only throwing some curse words at him and telling him to get it under control before he would kill anyone. Will had never felt more worse and ashamed in his life than in that moment. It was the second time he had lost the one thing that was most important to him which caused him to be more reserved than he already had been, giving up on finding someone that would be able to take him like he was, like she did.

His little brother Ben had been angered beyond belief when he heard what his fiancé had done and how much she had hurt him after he had arrived at the Publix store to pick up Will. They always told each other everything, having been even closer after they lost their most important girl because they needed each other to lean on, to find a way to continue somehow. The older Miller brother had barely gotten over the loss of their girl but with his fiancé leaving him too, that was it. So he focused on his daily routines, counting all kinds of things like he always had, giving motivational speeches for veterans and retired soldiers, helping Ben with training for his fights and occasionally meeting with the guys if everyone had time and Santiago was in town.

But there had been an emptiness inside of him he couldn’t fill. Regardless how hard he had tried to ignore it and to be happy with his relationship before it evaporated into thin air, it just wasn’t the same, it would never be. The part he had lost the day when he had lost her.

To him she was the most beautiful crystal there ever was. Breaking the light in a gorgeous kaleidoscope of all possible colors if it hit just at the right angle and reflecting her personality absolutely perfect. But the brighter the flame of a candle burns, the darker the shadows around it grow, right?

“This shit is fuckin' depressing.” Will huffed while he leaned his body forward on the bench.

“C'mon.” Santiago winked at him with his left eye. “Let your brother have some fun. Support him.” He said with a slight laugh.

“I've been supporting him since the day he was born.” The older Miller countered, sitting upright again before he continued.

“That kid's a one-in-a-million talent, going out there, playing the fucking clown to a bunch of hillbillies.” Even if his face didn’t show how he really felt about what Benny was doing, his voice made it clear, that he didn’t like how his little brother wasted his talent with shit like this for only a few hundred dollars. He knew he was more worth than that but being his older brother, of course he would support him with everything Ben was doing. Those two were inseparable since Benny’s birth and nothing would ever change that, which meant if one would go somewhere, the other would follow, no questions asked.

The loud banging against some lockers suddenly filled the room, followed by Ben’s loud mouth before he rounded the corner in only his red shorts with Frankie in tow, that was wearing his signature ‘Standard Heating Oil’ cap, a light brown leather jacket with a blue shirt underneath and also blue jeans.

“Ah, yeah, where are my corner men?”

“Holy shit, look who it is!” He greeted Santiago with widespread arms when he saw him, flexing them upwards and puffing his chest out before he brought him in a tight hug.

“What's up, Benny?” His Spanish friend greeted back, while embracing him with a wide smile.

“Oh, holy shit!” Ben commented when he lifted Santiago a bit off the ground, holding his friend to him and being happy to see him after such a long time again.

“Oh, God!” The salt and pepper haired man groaned out when he had the floor back under his feet after a few seconds.

In the meantime Frankie went over to greet Will with a hug and a pat on the back that the blonde man returned while looking over the pilot’s shoulder at the interaction between Ben and Santiago before pulling back a little and shifting his gaze to Frankie.

“Hell of a night for you to show.” The younger Miller looked at his friend for a moment, holding his right shoulder and giving him a light pat on the cheek that Santiago returned with one on his right arm.

“It's great to see you, man.” Pulling back with a wide smile on his face, he watched Ben moving over to his locker.

“You as well.” The dirty blonde returned on his way.

Ben had been hit the hardest by everything out of all the boys. Being the one who had always been the closest to her, following her like her own shadow, like a moth drawn to a flame, bound to burn to ashes at the slightest touch.

It was like his heart had stopped beating and his whole world had crashed down on him. He was an absolute wreck for months, his smile erased from his face for a long time like his otherwise so bright and cheerful character. Ben was like a ghost that was trapped in nothing but a hollow shell, his once so sparkling blue eyes, drowned out by a darkness that threatened to swallow his whole being with it. He felt like he was crawling in his own skin with no way out.

Everything he had loved was ripped from him in nothing more but a mere moment, so suddenly that he couldn’t understand. Will had tried to be there for him as best as he was able to besides his own struggle but even he knew there was nothing that would help his heartbroken little brother to get over the most important person in his life. The one girl that had meant absolutely everything to him, more than his own life. She was his goddess he wanted to worship and the ground she was walking on. His guiding north star, shining brighter than anything ever in existence that he’d follow to the end of the world and beyond.

She had been the one who had shown him what true love was and what it felt like to be cared for unconditionally. His other half that completed him and was everything his older brother could have wanted for him in a girl.

But all good things come to an end eventually…

Ben had been forced to do the one thing that seemed impossible to him, to live without her. Never feel her touch again, hear her voice, her laugh, never look into these gorgeous eyes of hers that captivated him every single time because they bared her entire soul to him. The only options left for him were either to lay down and die or to try to safe himself from the dangerous edge he’d been falling off.

At the beginning he had considered the first option, to be finally free from this gut-wrenching pain inside him he couldn’t get rid of. But the soldier in him didn’t think about giving up, the part that was still holding on. It had never been an option and now wouldn’t be any different. Only that it wasn’t as easy, even if he tried to fully focus on their missions and after they retired, on his MMA fights and Will, who kept him occupied. It only had held for so long till the nightmares were back and the darkness that had never left him ever since he had lost her crawled its way back up and threatened to suffocate him anew, being completely exposed and vulnerable to it because the protective wings of his precious and beloved butterfly had been severed for good.

The promise he had given her with the words ‘I go where you go.’ now broken and empty with no more meaning behind it. Like his entire life that had lost its purpose.

It took over 2 full years for Ben to even start to try and recover from the hole that had been torn inside him forever. He might have won the war with himself afterwards, but he had lost the most important fight before it could even begin and he paid the price for it with the part of him that died in it. Like his butterfly in the last flicker of the light.

“¡Ey! Cada día eres más feo. (Hey! Every day you're uglier.)” Frankie said while he walked to his Spanish friend and gave him a playful clap on his butt with a big smile.

“Ah, pequeño pendejo. (Ah, you little asshole.)” Santiago chuckled, bringing him also in a tight, brotherly hug with a pat on the shoulder.

“Qué bueno verte. (Good to see you.)” He added before pulling back, glancing over to Ben again as the pilot went to the bench where the younger Miller was now sitting and putting on his fighting gloves.

Will watched their embrace the entire time with a grin on his face, pleased to see them all together again besides Tom, who had yet to show up because he had to drop off his daughter Tess first like he told Santiago on their drive to the gym.

Frankie had been struggling equally. Not in a million lifetimes had he imagined it to happen. To lose the balance to his darker side, the one girl that carried all his burdens so weightlessly on her shoulders like it was nothing, as if they didn't affect her in the slightest. Her presence alone enough to scare every dark thought in his mind away.

The pilot had suffered just as much as his friends, the endless guilt he felt never leaving him, constantly swirling around in his head to remind him of his biggest mistake.

When he had met his wife, he thought he would be able to move on with his life but turns out, like his brothers, he couldn’t. It had felt like the right decision but after he had married her, that quickly changed. The only things he could think of being that he didn’t deserve to live a normal life, regretting every single choice he had made from the point of no return that had thrown him back into a familiar spiral he couldn’t get out of or all the blood on his hands and the many deaths he had caused. He closed up on himself, giving his wife no chance at all to get through to him anymore and when he wasn’t able to take it any longer, he knew he had to look for other ways to help him out. On some days he had felt like he literally killed their girl with his own hands, her blood staining his skin in a dark red color. The images always following, the memories on a never-ending repeat, looking what he could’ve done different to change the ultimate outcome but only coming up with the same frustrating result each time.

With every passing month, his relationship turned into a more dysfunctional one for both sides that did nothing more but damaging him even further than he already was. The divorce following at some point as the consequence and sending him back to point zero. And that’s where the real shit started for Frankie, with their most important girl gone and his wife divorced then too, there was no stopping him anymore. Not even his flying had been able to save him from himself.

He knew where he had to look, knew a few guys that had exactly what he wanted, what he needed actually. If he wouldn’t drown out the demons that haunted him day and night, he’d go insane. He knew that and he had to find a quick and easy solution for it that nobody would notice, not even his brothers when they visited him or met together at a bar to spend some time with each other to make sure everyone was doing okay or that wouldn’t affect him too much when he was in the air from time to time.

He had tried quite a few things, each worse and more dangerous than the other but nothing helping to numb him enough to not have to think. Until he came across coke. Whatever presented itself was good enough to try it out, so he didn’t hesitate and was surprised when it actually did the job, the only thing he had wanted for so long. To be at piece for at least a little bit, not having to care about anything and quiet his mind.

But the longer it went on, the more careless the pilot got until he had been busted a year ago and lost his flying license. Not that he had felt like shit already, but that had been the blow he had seen already coming if he was honest with himself. So, with clipped wings he had been bound to the ground now, not being able to fly freely anymore. But maybe that was exactly the wake up call he had needed to get his shit back together. Shortly after he had looked for professional help to get away from his drug addiction, knowing it had never been a solution in the first place for his problems.

Never once did he have to resort to anything like drugs or other things when their girl was still with them. It had been already enough to look at her atop of her throne, her crown like a halo above her head. The one very being they swore to protect with their lives but had royally failed to do so. They had been sending her straight into her own death, ignoring their one and only task for a moment and not caring about the possible danger they had put her in. She had given them everything they had ever needed, no matter what it was, being the light to their darkness and they had paid it back with severing her trust in them in return.

“Did you boys get my text? Yeah? Fish?” Santiago took a few steps to the nearest locker on his side and leaned against it with crossed arms over his chest, looking between his two brothers expectantly and stopping on Frankie.

“I need a pilot. I can't do this thing without you.” He added, emphasizing the last word in hopes it would be enough to convince him.

“I don't know, man.” The second Spanish man of the group kept his eyes locked to the bench underneath him, still unsure about his friend's plan and if he really wanted to involve himself in it.

Will was silently following their conversation, his eyes on Santiago the entire time until Frankie turned his head around to meet his gaze for a moment before looking back down to the bench.

“What... What does that mean?” Stubborn as he always was, Santiago wouldn’t let him off that easily, fully knowing if he was persistent enough, the pilot would give in eventually and join him. Like he always had.

“Did you read the text? This can change your life forever.”

“What happened to that bullshit about going back to your mother's homeland and empowering the people to police themselves?” Letting out a heavy sigh when he stood up and walked over to the lockers on his side, the pilot leaned against them and crossed his arms while looking at him. Of course his Spanish brother would say everything to get him to join, it had always been like that.

The man in question only chuckled softly at his comment. If it weren’t for Lorea, it might have already happened.

“Anyway, I lost my license. I can't even fly right now.” Frankie hadn’t gotten a chance yet to tell him the full story but he wanted to be honest with his brother.

The older Miller lowered his head upon hearing that. He and his brother were already in the picture with his whole drug ordeal and the consequences of it. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by them and they found it out eventually, supporting him and his recovery as best as they could, like the team they still were.

“Well, I don't need a pilot with a license.” Not giving in to his rejections, Santiago took a few steps toward him and put his hands in the pockets of his pants, still eyeing him.

“I'm in with the army down there. I just need a pilot I can trust.”

“Yeah, I don't think so.”

“Okay.” The salt and pepper haired man sighed and let out a chuckle, it was going as good as it had with Y/N. It was time to try another approach yet again.

“Lorea is destroying that country.” Santiago explained, walking up and down the changing room while Frankie busied himself with watching Ben taking his black shirt out of his locker, that had been silently listening their back and forth besides the preparations for his fight like his big brother, that didn’t let them out of his sight the whole time.

“So we get to take out a very bad man, and oh, by the way, there's a winning lottery ticket stuck to the bottom of your cowboy boot.” He elaborated and pointed at his friend's shoes to accentuate his message, telling the pilot indirectly what he would be missing out on if he didn’t take this chance.

Having heard enough and giving the younger Miller space to put his shirt on, Frankie moved over next to his Spanish brother with a shake of his head. Whatever he would say, his friend would always find another argument against it.

“Every guy in that gym would jump at this.” If Santiago wanted something he didn’t let it go, all of them were well aware of that. He wouldn’t take a second ‘No’ as answer. Gesturing with his hand in the direction where the crowd outside was already watching a fight to get his point across.

“Come on, focus, guys! It's fight night.” Ben interjected Santiago’s speech with a raised voice to remind them why they were actually here.

“Yeah, don't worry about that bullshit.” His older brother joined in and stood up, walking to him and eyeing the two Spanish men on the way.

“Sorry, Benny.” Santiago apologized quickly.

“You ready for this?” Will asked with a challenging gaze at the dirty blonde.

“Hell yeah.” The younger Miller answered enthusiastically with a smirk, ready to take on his next fight.

“Let's go.” The older blonde gave him two brotherly pats on his right cheek as encouragement before he shut his locker closed and all four men made their way toward the gym.

“I didn't mean to call your shit bullshit.” Frankie spoke up after being quiet half of the way, giving Santiago’s right arm a clap from the side to get his attention, to apologize for what he had said before.

“It's all right.” Santiago chuckled in return, knowing he hadn’t meant it.

“I got busted.” The pilot finally told him, not wanting to keep it from his friend any longer. “It's not a big deal.”

“Actually, it's a big deal.” He corrected himself quickly, realizing he shouldn’t downplay what had happened so easily.

“Coke?” Santiago asked and looked at him intently for a long moment. He hadn’t heard much from the Millers about it when he was in town sometimes but it was enough for him.

When the pilot only held his gaze and didn’t answer him, he let out a sigh.

“Jesus, Frankie.”

“Technically, it's a suspension. I'm still under review.” Frankie elaborated, not really liking how Santiago’s reply actually sounded and maybe to convince himself that it wasn’t actually that bad.

Both not breaking eye contact until Frankie clapped Will’s shoulder to change the subject.

“Well, what about you? What are you gonna do?”

“I said if Redfly's in, I'm in.” Will answered his question honestly, looking at him and Santiago when they walked next to each other behind his younger brother.

“Come on, stick with me here, guys.” Ben spoke up and looked slightly over his shoulder to them. He wanted the guys to focus on his fight rather on the plan their friend brought with him right now.

“Oh, I'm with you, Benny.” Santiago confirmed him. “But are you with me?” He asked, glancing at his frame from behind.

“Are you in?” Not getting a direct answer from Ben, he inquired him again.

“You know I am.” The dirty blonde replied shortly after, holding his gaze fixated on the entrance to the gym ahead of them.

“I go where you go.” He added the words that once held so much more, not only to him but their whole team. Not letting any emotions cross his face.

“That's what I thought. Benny stands tall.” Satisfied with Benny’s answer, Santiago patted him in a brotherly gesture on his back and put a hand on his right shoulder that he barely reached from his position next to him with their height difference.

While they walked the rest of the hallway to the entrance, one of the other fighters with possibly his trainers walked by with blood all over his head and bare, fully in tattoos covered chest, displaying what a possible outcome of a fight could look like.

“From Red Feather Lakes, Colorado, standing six foot three, weighing in at 195 pounds, I bring you... Ben Miller!” A man announced when they were reaching the entrance. Standing there for a moment until loud heavy metal music blasted through the speakers in the gym and continuing their way out one after another through the roaring crowd to the fighting cage in the middle.

Fate had other plans for the ex-delta soldiers tho… like always.

They didn’t notice that their once most important person was only an arm’s length away from them, hidden in the surrounding crowd and following their every move with the watchful eyes of a predator.

-

“From Red Feather Lakes, Colorado, standing six foot three, weighing in at 195 pounds, I bring you... Ben Miller!” A man announced loudly through the speakers of the gym we currently were in.

Me and Luc had arrived 1 hour earlier and were patiently waiting outside till the fight would start, making sure that nobody would be able to notice us from our position as far away and hidden as possible but were still able to see who entered the gym. I didn’t need to accidentally run into them before I actually wanted it to happen and Santiago didn’t need to know yet that I had changed my mind.

We saw both Millers and Frankie getting out of the car they pulled up with 30 minutes later, making their way across the parking lot that was already packed. As soon as my eyes had spotted even the slightest glimpse of them, I averted my sight because I didn’t want to see more than I would have to later.

Not 10 Minutes after their arrival, Santiago got out of a truck after he had spoken to someone in it and handed the same red folder he had shown me before through the passenger window. That someone being Tom, as I identified when he drove away, spotting another person sitting behind him that looked like a younger girl. Was that one of his daughters? She was probably the reason why he didn’t stay. I made a mental note to keep an eye out for him in case he came back because I didn’t need him to ruin my plan. All of them had a real talent for that.

But he didn’t reappear when we carefully made our way inside a few minutes before the fight was about to start.

The crowd that awaited us in the gym was huge and there wasn’t much room to move. Both things I already couldn’t stand. Why would you come here voluntarily?

Luc and I had our guard up as soon as we passed the entrance, him making sure the way in front of us was clear and nobody would be behind me, and I scanned the room for possible threats or the guys. We didn’t need to try to communicate with each other over the volume of all the people inside to agree, that we would take a spot a little bit offside the entrance so that no one would bother us and we would have sight of mostly the whole room while using all the people effectively as our cover.

We were standing in there probably for only 2 or 3 minutes when the fight I already dreaded to see got announced. I wasn’t sure how much of it I could take till I had to get out.

The pure mention of his name alone was enough to raise goosebumps all over my body.

But before my mind could wonder into places I didn’t want it to go right now, loud heavy metal music filled the gym and peaked my attention. Luc was already looking at me from my right side, his gaze telling everything what was about to come any second and cocking an eyebrow at me. I was far from being ready.

As everyone began to roar and cheer, our heads turned to the spot where we could make out some movement out of the corner of our eyes.

I didn’t even need to search for him, my look automatically finding him in an instant as he came walking out on one of the far ends with his big brother Will, Santiago and Frankie behind him toward the cage in the middle of the gym.

“This is your special man, hm? I can see why.” Luc’s voice suddenly reached my ears and pulled me out of my paralyzed state but still having my eyes glued to the person I thought I’d never see again.

He looked still the same, like all of them. The only missing thing was his backwards cap. I couldn’t even remember the last time when I had actually seen him not wearing one. But even without it he looked… Just stop already, Y/N! Don’t you dare and think of that!

“He isn’t.” I replied without emotion, stressing the last word and banning all thoughts of him from my mind while continuing to watch his every move.

“Sure, keep telling yourself that.” My teammate chuckled while he leaned against the wall behind him and crossed his arms, not believing what I said.

“And I thought it was a good thing that Mick stayed at our base this time.” I breathed out and shifted my look back to him. The rest of the boys had decided to not come with us to make it easier to go unnoticed and to not make this harder for me than it already was.

“That’s why we’re brothers at heart.” Luc retorted and held a hand over his heart with a grin on his face, trying to relax me.

“Yeah, no need to remind me of that.” I answered and let my sight wander over to the four men again.

Ben and Will had nearly reached the cage when I noticed someone walking out of the entrance not far away from us into the mass of people. I saw enough to know that it was the last person that had been missing to complete the team. Knew it.

Of course Tom would be here at some point too when the others were there, so predictable. Some things never change.

Santiago and Frankie were talking about something as they stopped halfway when they spotted Tom coming toward them with three beers in his hand that were sold in this place. Good that I never was drinking any alcohol cause otherwise I probably would have had around ten already. Especially when I looked back to the Miller brothers, Will standing directly outside and banging with one hand against the fence of the fighting cage and shouting something to Ben, who was now standing inside with his opponent facing him.

Holy shit.

I regretted immediately that I didn’t look away when I saw that he was now only wearing some red shorts, his upper body completely bare and the toned muscles of a warrior for everyone to see and showing how fucking gorgeous he actually looked underneath his clothes, like he and every little detail on his body had been perfectly sculpted from god himself.

Those big hands that could bring death in the brink of a second but could caress you so featherlight at the same time and hold you so carefully like you were made of glass. His arms that held the strength to break and build everything he wanted without any effort, his blue eyes burning with a fire so powerful to set your whole body aflame with the slightest look but also held a vulnerability in them like he gave you his very soul. His cheekbones, the curve of his nose and the sharp edge of his jawline that accentuated his perfectly shaped face and his surely plush lips that looked so kissable and would make you melt on the spot. The intimidating mere seize of his huge frame together with his sharp mind and the heart of the most gentle giant that loved so honestly and with such a limitless loyalty.

He was the most perfect human being I ever saw. The one I wasn’t worthy of.

Damn him for waking these feelings again that I had buried so deep… I shouldn’t feel like this…

“You look like you’ve never seen him shirtless before.” My teammate joked next to me with an amused grin, having observed me the entire time and breaking my stare.

“Some people are polite enough not to look, you know?” I gave him a sharp look from the side.

“That’s the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard.” Luc snorted, shaking his head in disbelieve.

“He always made a joke out of it…” I sighed and lowered my head to the ground, closing my eyes for a moment and remembering the times when I accidentally caught Ben like that or when he took off his shirt right in front of me just to catch me off guard and make one of his comments about my embarrassed reaction. He hadn’t a single fucking clue what exactly he was doing back then…

“Maybe he wanted you to?”

“Sure, cause I wasn’t only his teammate.” I replied sarcastically with a laugh that escaped me and looked back up to him.

“Do you even hear yourself talking? I might not know everything but the things I heard and a certain someone told me, are obviously indicating that this wasn’t just one-sided.” Luc fixed me with his famous ‘You and I know I’m right’ look.

“He was never supposed to tell you in the first place. But believe what you want, I’m not the foolish, little girl I once was anymore.” I said coldly, blocking out everything I thought about previously and averting my eyes to the boys we were here for. I wouldn’t make this mistake a second time. I would never let anyone that close to me ever again. Not even him.

The trio with the two Spanish men and the captain continued their way on the side of the cage to one of the front rows. Santiago did the same Will had before and shouted something to Ben while hitting the fence with his hand a few times. Not that any words would change how the fight would end. Call me a heartless bitch for that thought but we all know it’s the truth. There was only one possible option anyway, anything else was unacceptable.

But back to the boys, shall we? In the meantime Tom went over to the older Miller, exchanging their typical brotherly hug with a pat on their backs. I kindly ignored the woman walking by inside the cage in her flimsy outfit that barely covered anything, holding up a sign to indicate round 1.

Afterwards the trio sat down on a bench like mostly everyone else in the gym, occasionally sipping on their beers while Will resumed his position in the corner of his little brother. Not gonna lie, I was curious about what they were talking because I knew that certain look in their faces when I saw it. Since all were together now and remembering the red folder Santiago had brought with him, there was no way that they weren’t speaking about his idea. Will seemed to join their conversation shortly after when he turned around and hunched over to them. The single nods of each that followed, confirmed what I had already suspected. None of them would sit this out, if one was in, all were. Ben was out of question since he’d always be with his big brother, I was sure that hadn’t changed too.

Santiago’s wide grin and the pat on Frankie’s left arm gave it away. He had gotten what he wanted, every single life of them was on the battlefield now. We could only wait and see who would survive this deadly play in the end… Good that they had an ace up their sleeve they didn’t knew about yet.

“And here we go!” The announcer’s voice rang through the gym and all people that were sitting jumped up from their seats including Frankie, Tom and Santiago, the previous silence gone and replaced with loud shouts and cheers. Will clapped his hands like a few others and had his eyes on his brother and from how it looked, giving him a last encouragement from behind.

The referee that had gotten inside the cage held his hand in the middle of both fighters and looked from Ben to his opponent before quickly retreating and starting the fight all had been waiting for, besides me.

Ben had already zeroed in on the other guy, the look in his eyes one that I had only seen on missions when shit got serious, there was nothing of his always so bright character but a steely and hard one of a soldier. They slowly walked toward each other and as soon as they touched gloves, he took a punch to the left of his face and I immediately jerked my head away to the side and shut my eyes, not wanting to see him getting hurt like that. I could literally feel the pain like I had been hit myself and exactly that brought something up I never wanted to experience for the life of me again and I could feel my body reacting on it.

“You good? If we need to leave-” Luc picked up on the signs and came closer as a precaution in case he needed to step in.

“M’ fine.” I tried to ground myself but felt the embers that had been smoldering deep inside of me starting to ignite with the fatal spark they had been waiting for all this time into a roaring wildfire, feeling the hot flames already boiling the blood in my veins.

My mind just blanked and there was only one thought flashing in bright red before me ‘Kill him! Rip his head off! Snap his neck! Kill him!’. If it weren’t for Luc who held me back, I would’ve actually done it.

“You have to stop yourself. Come on, focus on me.” He stepped into my line of sight that was locked on the other fighter to get me to pay attention to him and not murder someone in the middle of a full gym. “He’ll be okay, it won’t help if you kill the guy.”

Thankfully nobody had noticed yet how hard my teammate had to fight against me to keep me from spilling blood. The monster inside having been freed and being on the trail of its prey, ready to land the death blow and wanting to retaliate against the pain that was inflicted.

“I get how badly you want to hurt him but you can’t go out there.” He carefully touched my arm to test the waters and see how I would react, rubbing it up and down soothingly after making sure I wouldn’t attack him before he joined our hands and gave me multiple squeezes to deescalate the situation.

“Let. Me. Go.” I threatened and sent him a menacing glare, punctuating every word and trying to get out of his iron grip he had on my hand. I was so far gone that I didn’t think rationally, there was no difference between right and wrong anymore.

“Do you wanna expose us? Want your boys to see you like this, Y/N?” Luc countered unbothered and looked me straight in the eyes. He didn’t show the slightest trace of fear although he knew this was more than serious and I wouldn’t hesitate to hurt him to get what I wanted.

“Get out of my way or I’m gonna make you regret it.” I said in a low voice and straightened my stance, making it visibly clear that it was a better choice to back down before I would resort to more drastic measures.

“We both know you need more than that to scare me off.” He scoffed, daring me to show him how far I was willing to go. It wasn’t the first time he had to witness what happened when I lost control and knew how to handle it.

Oh boy, really shouldn’t mess with me when I’m pissed off.

Gritting my teeth at him, I tried to break free again but he didn’t budge and only raised a challenging eyebrow at me to show me who had the upper hand right now.

But before I could do anything, the crowd erupted into loud cheers and our attention went instantly back to the fight. Ben had landed a right hook on his opponent, that looked like he had taken some good hits in the meantime and was struggling to regain his balance. A satisfied feeling rushed through me in that moment, wanting him to feel as much pain as possible, and Ben to beat the shit out of this guy. He deserved it.

“See? He can hold his own. You don’t have to protect him.” Luc thought he had the situation under control but joke’s on him, he made everything much worse with his last sentence and realized far too late what had slipped out.

His words echoed around in my head without pause and drove me to the edge I had been teetering around, waiting for the final push that he had just delivered.

“You’re dead!” I snapped and narrowed my eyes to small slits before I made a more violent attempt to get out of his hold so I could wrap my fingers around his throat, but he still didn’t think of letting go and hardened his grip instead.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean it! You need to calm down and snap out of it, I know you can.” Without giving me time to react, he let go and pressed me to his body.

I tried to get away from him when I caught up with what he did but he was too strong. Thrashing around violently but to no avail.

“It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you. I just need you to relax. I’ve got you, Y/N.” My teammate continued and waited patiently till my fight against him would die down eventually, countering every try I made. If I managed to get out, he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold me back a second time.

“You’re okay, just breathe.” He tried to soothe me and caressed the side of my neck with his thumb slowly.

We stood a few minutes like this until he felt me beginning to relax and he softened his hold carefully.

“There we go. You left me for a sec there, not liking your man getting hurt, hm?” Luc chuckled unfaced and looked down at me after he pulled back a little, still holding me.

I just looked perplexed at him, too scared to say something as I came back to my senses and feeling my heart hammering against my ribcage and the adrenalin rushing through my body.

If he hadn’t been here with me, this would’ve ended in a mass murder.

The thought hit me like a freight train and I shivered. A small part of me was afraid of myself but the bigger part loved the idea of it.

How it would have felt to see their life leaving their eyes, wrapping my fingers around their throats till their last breath left them or how their precious, red life source decorated the whole floor… How much pain I could have caused… and how good it would have felt…

“Hey, are you with me?” A soft touch on my cheek interrupted my thoughts before they could’ve gone even darker.

Nodding, I took some long and deep breaths to settle back in the present and get down from the high I had been on.

“I-I’m sorry.” I apologized with guilt in my voice, not wanting to hold eye contact any longer but he didn’t let me.

“Don’t apologize. It’s okay, Y/N. I know.” Luc assured me with an understanding smile and stroked my cheek.

There was not really anything that could shake him, he wasn’t scared of me like he should be, hell, like everyone should. He never looked or treated me any differently despite all the horrible things I had done and was there when I couldn’t handle myself anymore.

Shouting and clapping filled the gym all of a sudden again that felt way too loud for my ears and made me wince. It was like a sensory overload together with my head that still tried to follow along and comprehend everything at once.

“It’s probably better if we go.” Luc suggested with slight concern and eyed me warily as he took his spot next to me.

“No, I want to watch.” I replied and tried to pull myself back together.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, Y/N. Don’t force too much onto yourself, please.” Both of us knew I was too stubborn to allow myself an out right now, but I appreciated his worry.

“I can handle it, I promise.” I affirmed and shifted my attention back to the fight I had been mostly ignoring. I was playing a dangerous game with myself in this moment, but I wanted to remind me how fucked up I really was. That the things I felt and the thoughts in my head were far from normal, that I wasn’t normal and never would be.

Collective ‘Uh’s’ and ‘Oh’s’ were heard when his opponent tried to land a hit on his shoulder, but Ben ducked away to the side before he fully reached him, like he had anticipated that guy’s move way ahead before he did it and delivered justice right back to him with a heavy punch in his stomach. Technically it was an unfair fight because Ben’s senses were trained for much more than this little cat and mouse game he had going on with that poor guy and he should be able to knock him out cold in a matter of seconds. He hadn’t been a combat expert for nothing. But I guess they didn’t want to replace a new corpse every fight, not that he’d go that far anyway since it was a sport after all. But isn’t that the thrilling part to play with danger? That he could kill him so easily if he only wanted?

I had to give credit to the guy that he was still standing and hadn’t given up yet, but it wouldn’t take long till he would need to at least take a break if Ben continued like this. In contrast to his opponent, he looked more than fine, like he just got started.

They circled each other when they had gotten some distance between them, predatory eyes following every small movement and calculating their next move.

Ever as impatient as I remembered him, Ben chose to strike first and leaped forward, his look fixated on his target as he closed the space between them. His body language indicated that he aimed for the guy’s left side, but I quickly figured out that he was only pretending and instead was going for a direct blow under his jaw with his right hand and sending his opponent full force on the ground that hadn’t seen this coming. What a brilliant move. Trick your target into believing the wrong things and then strike.

“Damn, that was a nasty one. He definitely knows his shit.” Luc commented from beside me with an impressed tone and looked over from the corner of his eyes, checking for any indicators that I was about to act out again but after finding none, focusing back on the fight.

The crowd clapped and roared in excitement when Ben’s opponent laid there for a few seconds and the referee had to check up on him if he was able to continue the fight. How their horrified screams would sound instead?

It seemed like that guy wasn’t about to accept that he didn’t stand a chance as he got up again and back into his fighting stance, blood running from his nose and mouth. Ben definitely had landed some good punches on him and thankfully not the other way round.

The look in his eyes that he was sending Ben now had me tensing tho, he sure as hell wasn’t happy how their fight was going and must be planning something to turn it around in his favor. He was out for blood, but he wasn’t the only one. They inched closer toward each other carefully after the referee had released the fight a second time until the guy decided it was his chance to strike and quickly lunged at him. Ben stepped to the side to avoid his incoming attack but was greeted with his opponent’s other fist that came flying to his chest area and nearly knocking him off balance. He just made sure I would crack every single bone in his entire body, and I’d absolutely enjoy doing it.

But Ben’s punch in return was faster than the guy had probably thought it would take him and he took a blow to the right side of his face, smearing more blood across his features.

Luc was right, I shouldn’t be doing this and instead should be disgusted at myself but the truth I had to admit was, that I would do what I could, to have that feeling crawling back again that actually made me feel alive. That I rather live in the dark than see the light.

The fight continued on with a constant back and forth between the two fighters, like the main event had finally started. Of course it happened as it had to and Ben got too cocky for his own good, probably thinking he could easily overpower his opponent with some quick combos now but got punished straight away for his mistake with some painful hits that had me back on edge and nearly running to the cage.

Scratch what I said before, I didn’t regret a single thought I had previously. This guy had to be taught a lesson. A damn good one. RIGHT NOW.

“Y/N!” My teammate had gripped my wrist in an instant as he saw that I was about to rush forward and jerked me back.

“He’s gonna pay for that.” I seethed and glared daggers at the fighter, my pulse shooting up once again.

“But you won’t be the one to do that. Ben will handle it.” Luc reasoned and tried to keep me in place next to him and not cause any unwanted attention on us.

“I’ll handle it and nobody else.” I growled and shifted my gaze to him. I’d gladly fulfill his death wish in a fucking heartbeat.

“You come back to yourself first before I let you do anything else. Come on, we’re going home. I don’t want you doing something you’d regret and have you on the title site of the newspapers tomorrow.” He countered as the sound of a bell indicated that the first half of the fight was over. The people around us going wild about the prospect of what was to come in round 2.

“I’ve seen enough of this depressing shit anyway.” I answered emotionless and let him drag me out of the gym with one last menacing look behind me.

Guess I had an important call to make.

None of them could have known what butterfly effect it would cause…

A/N: As always thanks so much for your support, every single one means so much! ❤️

The boys don't know yet what they're in for... 👀

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[contentment-of-cats]

Pandemic pantry now past-tense

I was raised by a family that had food scarcity trauma. My maternal grandmother was so malnourished as a child that she developed rickets. My maternal grandfather routinely had to go out and shoot his breakfast post-1906 earthquake. My paternal grandmother was from coal country, so malnourished as a child that she never exceeded being 4 ft 10 in tall and bow-legged from rickets as well. My paternal grandfather, despite living in a thriving metropolis was just three generations removed from the potato famine that sent his survivor ancestor across the Atlantic.

These are people who survived first World War, the 1918 influenza, the Great Depression, and the second World War. In particular, my maternal grandparents went through the Great Depression with young children. For all of these people, food was love. A full pantry and refrigerator, plus a freezer chest in the basement meant that the hard times would at least have a cushion. Hunting meant that you didn't have to rely on money for the butcher. A garden next to the house supplied fruit and vegetables.

My pandemic pantry grew out of my emergency food, since I live in earthquake country. I was better prepared than a lot of people, but I also had that generational paranoia about an empty shelf. I kept well-stocked until after I had received my vaccines. Then I started to gradually dwindle the stockpile and replace it with fresher items.

Then in October of 2021, I wasn't feeling too good. I've had a diagnosis of fibromyalgia since 2007. I understood not feeling good, but this was a new level. I was told that it was probably menopause and the fact that I was exercising a lot at home. Never mind that my periods had stopped when I was 52. I couldn't eat. The fatigue was so intense that I would actually fall asleep if I sat down. In my home office, I stood up and paced in order to stay awake. Finally in March of 2022, everything came to a head, and came to a stop. I had stage 4 colon cancer and a 10 cm tumor in my gut.

From my first week on chemotherapy and radiation I could not eat. I was hospitalized for dehydration due to the vomiting and diarrhea. The next five weeks were a fine line between killing the patient, and killing the cancer that was killing the patient. My diet consisted of saltine crackers, soda water, baby food packets, and little else. When I would go in for my chemotherapy treatments, they made sure to give me a small enough dose of steroids that I would get hungry on top of a big dose of Zofran to stamp down the nausea. I remember the infusion clinic tuna fish sandwiches very fondly. Usually the steroids would stick with me long enough to get another meal down when I got home.

Even after I finished chemotherapy in August of 2022, chemotherapy was not finished with me. It stayed in my body for weeks afterwards. I was still losing weight, my hair was still falling out. I hadn't needed to trim my nails or shave my legs for months. Then I had the big operation in November with a full hysterectomy, a ureter and bladder resection, a colon resection, and an ileostomy. I still couldn't eat. The weight loss continued even after the resection was opened and the ileostomy closed in February of 2023.

During all that time the pantry just sat there and gathered dust. Some of it expired. In March of this year I started using bits and pieces because my appetite had started to come back slowly. I rapidly found out there were many things that I had enjoyed previously that I could no longer eat. Bit by bit I emptied that pantry, thinking of my grandparents, and even my mother and aunts, ever paranoid about food and having a conflicting relationship with it to the point of disordered eating. I thought about my own relationship with food, and being a size 3 in my twenties. Sometimes you face your demons, other times you vomit them out, other times you eat them.

Emptying my pandemic pantry by box and by can has been another part of my journey. As someone who was divorced from food for so long, much of my enjoyment has returned. I appreciate being able to eat more than I ever did before. I appreciate not only the opportunity, but the ability. Now that my pantry is empty, I'm thinking about what to stock it up with. I won't put anything in it just for the sake of having it, or filling an empty space. Each box and can must have a purpose, must be appreciated and enjoyed.

So today, I am going to make one of my grandfather's favorites. Creamed chipped beef on toast with an egg over easy, coffee, and a glass of orange juice. You're never going to find an epicurean or a gourmet tucking into this modest breakfast made with dried beef and canned milk. I have always enjoyed it though, and appreciate the history that brings it to my table today.

[blouisparadise]

Today we’re excited to share the fourth part to our college/university rec list! If you missed them, you can find part one here, part two here, and part three here. If you enjoy these fics, please be sure to like and reblog the post to help spread the word. Happy reading!

1) Outline Of My Sins | Explicit | 6551 words

Prompt 453: AU where alpha Harry is an art student who is taking a figure drawing class and omega Louis is the nude model. In the many years that Harry has taken art classes, he has never been more hot and bothered than now, having to stare at a beautiful nude omega model for hours.

2) Is Ur Muffin Buttered? | Explicit | 7053 words

He knew what he was getting into when he began to hook up with Harry Styles. How could he not? Everyone on campus knew about him, the type of player he was, ready to break hearts and beds and all that. But it wasn’t as if he had planned the mess he was getting into it, at least not in the beginning.

3) Peaches | Explicit | 7669 words

Once behind Harry, he bends over and places his hands on Harry’s thighs, slowly rubbing while bringing them up to Harry’s chest. Noticing the more prominent bulge in the alpha’s pants, the omega starts to whisper the lyrics in Harry’s ear.

4) Kiss It Better | Mature | 8080 words

Harry shakes his head with a light laugh and leans down to kiss him again which Louis happily accepts even if he is a little confused by the reaction. "Baby, not a night has gone by that I haven't thought about you in my bed, naked, and begging for my cock."

Blinking up at him with wide eyes, Louis opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. While they did flirt a lot over the last few weeks, Harry had never said anything like that. It shocks him as much as it turns him on.

"News to me."

"I won't lie and say I like random hookups or casual sex, but to me this isn't what that is."

Louis swallows thickly, unsure of what to say to that but once again Harry gives him an out.

"So, If you want we can stay up here and I can show you all the things I've thought about doing to you." Another kiss, quick and sweet. "Or, we can go back downstairs and we'll dance all night."

5) Be The Artist To My Muse | Explicit | 9665 words

“I think I’m in love,” Harry says, flopping back to lay on the bench again.

Nick sighs and pats Harry on the head.

“There, there. You’ll forget him in a day or so.”

6) The One Who Stays And The One Leaving You  | Mature | 10315 words

Fuck.

He had just slept with none other than Harry Styles.

7) Like A Hurt, Lost, And Blinded Fool | Not Rated | 13919 words

ABO college AU where alpha Harry is a frat boy and he asks omega Louis out multiple times but he rejects him every time because Louis doesn’t like how frat boys act towards omegas. One night at a Halloween party, Harry dresses up as a stormtrooper and keeps his mask on all the time and flirts with Louis and Louis flirts back without knowing that’s Harry under the costume.

8) No Lemon Drops No Bubblegum | Explicit | 14979 words

They never interacted in that one semester, in that one class, and never were put in the same group, never sat close to each other. Then again, it’s not like Louis was hoping it’ll turn to something more. Just a fleeting crush, that he’ll get over once he stops seeing him every week.

Except he hasn’t stopped, he’s still thinking about it once in a while. What’s Harry Styles doing today? Has he cut his hair? Does he still eat scones for breakfast every Wednesday? He got his answers now, at least about the state of his hair. Harry’s hair is a lot shorter than the last he remembers, it curls around his ear, framing his square jaw nicely. He’d have to ask about the scone next time. If there’s ever a next time.

University AU. In which Louis is most definitely not pining.

9) Nothing’s Scarier Than Losing You | Explicit | 15466 words

When Louis and Harry run into each other at a Halloween party two months after their breakup, they’re reminded of how rude, infuriating, and utterly perfect for each other they are.

10) Treading Through Flowerbeds | Explicit | 20384 words

“So are you coming to class or are you gonna take the day off to shop online for your vibrator?” Zayn props his shoulder against the doorframe and watches Louis scurry around their room in amusement.

“I wouldn’t have lost the bet if—” Harry and his massive dick didn’t exist, “—you didn’t make us go to that frat party.”

“You’re the one who said you could flirt your way out of a speeding ticket with that old, bald policeman,” Zayn replies. “You know, you should be glad we went with the vibrator up your arse instead of taking Viagra before class.”

11) Baby, Loving You’s The Real Thing | Explicit | 21011 words

Harry never thought he’d be taking care of a child at the age of twenty-one—well, trying to anyway.

12) Cut The Sides, Don’t Touch The Back | Explicit | 21596 words

Prompt 87: Harry’s been talking about getting a mullet for so long and Louis hates how good he pulls it off.

13) It’s Not A Walk In The Park To Love Each Other | Explicit | 24461 words

The one where Harry and Louis are roommates forced to quarantine together, but they hate each other very much a lot.

14) If It Wasn't For The Nights | Explicit | 28499 words

“Okay, so. You didn’t fuck. But you’re gonna go hiking with Harry?” Zayn raises an eyebrow. “You don’t even go outside.”

Louis groans, crossing his arms on the table and hiding his face in them. “I know.”

15) Dont Know Its Lost Til You Find It | Explicit | 30614 words

Maybe it’ll be better this way. Maybe Louis just needs to distance himself, get over his crush so Harry doesn’t have to worry about his obsessive friend who feels too much and says too little.

He wonders what this girl is like. What she looks like, what conversations they had to make Harry fall for her in three days. If maybe she’s just stellar in bed. If she smells like heaven or if it’s just the fact she’s a girl.

He wonders and wonders, resists the temptation to stare at the alpha, and gets exactly no work done.

16) You're An Alpha, Harry! | Explicit | 32900 words

Right before Harry goes to university, he presents as an alpha. Struggling with his newfound identity in a completely different environment, he seeks advice from the notorious Louis Tomlinson, an omega whose claim to fame is being the local campus sex expert. Sex Education AU.

17) If The Sun Don’t Shine | Explicit | 36335 words

In a world where you meet your soulmates in dreams, Louis has spent the last three years going to bed hoping to finally meet his, only to end up disappointed time and time again. It all changes with a violin.

18) Voicemail Sings A Wreck | Explicit | 37016 words

Louis is the president of the biggest omega sorority on campus, Harry is the president of the biggest alpha fraternity on campus, and they do not get along.

19) Catch Me If I Fall | Explicit | 47099 words

Lovers when on the stage but bitter rivals as soon as they step off, Harry and Louis have butted heads from the moment they first met. Locked in a stalemate that they hope to ride out until graduation, things take a turn when Harry learns that Louis is hiding a secret.

20) I Can’t Help It (If You Look Like An Angel) | Explicit | 52277 words

Louis remembered how just moments before he had been grateful at the pieces in display being anonymous for everyone that wanted to see them, a thin veil that protected the artists established firmly in place despite the disappointed faces from the gallery visitors when they realised they couldn't track what their eyes saw back to anyone, and they couldn’t demand any kind of explanations from them regarding what they felt.

That relief got lost in the back of his mind when his eyes caught onto the painting, the obvious attentiveness and care poured in the canvas making his chest hurt.

What do you find to be the most beautiful thing in the world?

Apparently, for someone, it was him.

21) Lost In The Sirens | Explicit | 53729 words

ABO fic where alphas and omegas can’t cohabitate as friends and Harry ‘supposed-to-be-a-beta’ Styles presents a few weeks before he and Louis ‘hot/spicy-omega-bestie’ Tomlinson are set to move into their new uni flat.

22) Gallery Of Us | Explicit | 55778 words

Harry knew what he was doing in life, everything laid out in black-and-white, each day pleasantly predictable. Cue lively art student, Louis, trying to find his place. An almost insufferably happy person who sometimes forgets to hide the way they feel meets the person who is diligent enough to notice and determined to make a difference.    

23) It’s Golden, Like Daylight | Explicit | 61496 words

A college/ABO/fake relationship AU where longtime friends, Harry and Louis, come up with the perfect plan to fake date, which, of course, ends up being a complete disaster.

24) Lost & Found In Oblivion | Explicit | 74799 words

Omega Louis decided to hire an alpha for his heat to ease his touch deprivation, but little did he know everything would grow into so much more.

25) You’ve Got A Higher Power, You’re Once In Any Lifetime | Explicit | 113444 words

In a society full of prejudices, finding a family and being accepted, also seemed like an unrealistic utopia.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[not-poignant]

I hope it's okay to ask, but how are things? Looking forward to Underline The Gold on Sunday so much

Omg I'm looking forward to it too

Tbh I'm up to chapter 8 on that now so we're ready to really start pushing ahead with some of the side stories which is exciting

As for me, it's been pretty rough, anon, not gonna lie. I'm going to put this under a read more because I'm pretty honest and also because there's more than one 'I might have cancer' mention among other things:

I kind of thought I was doing fine and then it all got on top of me a couple of days ago and (self-harm mention) I ended up self-injuring due to autistic meltdown. Sometimes I don't realise how bad things really are until I'm at that stage and I have bruises and soft tissue damage to show for it. I've since talked to my doctor and therapist about it, but like...oof.

I've actually been taking a break from writing since I've hit 50k and I generally have a rule that I have to take at least 2-4 days off once I've hit that point, but I'm still pretty stuffed, but mostly for health reasons. I've written 14 chapters this month so I feel okay about the break lol.

On Friday (the day after the meltdown) I needed to have a hand X-ray (even right now, the knuckles in my left hand are really sore), see my GP for 40 minutes, talk to my therapist, organise an iron infusion (I have microcytic anemia and need an iron infusion again, which I think is my 5th or 6th - I need one about once every 2-3 years, and mostly the time between is the slow downward spiral of losing more and more iron until I'm truly fucked) and a meeting with one of the head haematologists in the state because my red blood cells are bullshit and weird (yay). Guess that explains the exhaustion.

I still need to organise a lymph node ultrasound (which is probably nothing, except there is like a 'higher than average' chance it could be metastatic cancer, since I do have tumours in my head right now that could metastasize, and the tumours are extremely close to the swollen lymph node - also I haven't had a virus).

I need to organise a meeting with a dermatologist, I need to organise a full abdominal MRI to see if I have any other tumours we don't know about, and I got an eating disorder management plan for restrictive eating, which does entitle me to like...cheaper dietitian appointments, but also formalises me as having an ED as opposed to 'disordered eating.'

On top of that I had to deal with a tribunal after my Dad had a catastrophic stroke a few months ago, and the tribunal was last month, to determine who would look after him. Our family is so broken and my stepmother so manipulative/vindictive that the government decided no one could be trusted and took care of his finances and healthcare themselves meaning none of us can have any real say in his future (truly the best outcome, but a damning one for the state of the family), and I also had to listen to my stepmother accuse my sister of being a criminal for 20 minutes with completely unfounded lies, and of course, my Dad has had a catastrophic stroke, and that's complicated. That's a whole...

That saga is so much anon, I cannot even begin to explain even the tip of that iceberg.

I've been spending a lot of extra time like scanning family photos and other things and packing items in his home for storage etc. and while that's been done now for over a month and a half, I guess the burn out started some time ago and it's just been slowly getting on top of me. Kind of the 'slowly boiling a lobster in a pot' analogy.

I've been overall quieter on Tumblr as a result of all of this, and it all just...destroyed me on Thursday, and ever since then I've been recovering.

I've just realised it's nearly 1.00am and I swear the last time I looked at the clock - which felt like 5 minutes ago - it was 11.00pm.

Oh and to top it all off I've had vicious 'not falling asleep until 4.00am' insomnia + increased nightmares because my PTSD has relapsed back into 'pretty severe.' So um, managing most nights on 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and that's bad for all my chronic illnesses, of which I have many.

Ah. Yeah. :(

Lemme rustle up some good news for you, anon, because I feel like this is just too much crap.

Bushflowers/wildflowers are really nice right now as it's turning to spring in Western Australia (it's Djilba in the Noongar seasonal system, which I prefer)

Rhubarb is in season so I'm making a lot of stewed apple and rhubarb as a comfort food.

Reading the manhwa Punch Drunk Love and enjoying it.

Asks like yours - even if all of this sounds dire - helps me to undestand that I actually do have good reasons to feel tired and that it's okay to take breaks and that's really valuable (sometimes - though rarely - people use my anon function to talk at me, rather than talking to me as a person, and I just...really value feeling like a person sometimes aslfkjsa) so while I might seem down, this has actually been nice to end my night on. Also you've reminded me that I am super excited/happy to share more Underline the Gold with people

I got some organisational stuff and organising stuff in the house makes me feel good.

I have an extremely good doctor and tbh for a long time I didn't, so like, every good specialist and doctor is worth their weight in gold. :)

I hope you're doing okay and looking after yourself / taking care anon, and that you get something good out of what remains of the weekend. <3 And for everyone who needs one, hugs are on the house.

[hacked-by-jake]

Imma done with duskwood lmao 😂 Too long waiting, I wrote my own ending and now I lost interest in duskwood xD I know they are a small group of developers but they must realize their fandom is slowly dying :( It's sad but it is the truth 🥺 I see so many duskwood writer going quiet or writing OG works....

Well, that's very sad. But I don't think the fandom is dying. Not at all. First of all, it's January, trust me when I tell you, it's always very quiet in January. It's a stressful time. While December for example is more way more active. People have more time and winter makes more people to stay at home etc. It's not unusual for this time. Nevertheless, I do understand a bit what you mean. Of course we're waiting for Moonvale for a longer time now, but I think it's understandable. At least, I was expecting a long time for it to come out.

And I'm pretty sure they're aware of it... I see enough people starting to hate on them, leaving mean comments on Instagram etc. They know we're all waiting and they also know people become more and more inpatient. And I guess it's for them as hard as it is for us. I don't know what is going on there at Everbyte, but I'm very sure if they could they would work faster. But I think they already use every possible second to work on it. I mean, for them it's their income, their way to earn money, I don’t think they can just put Moonvale aside and chill, haha. Maybe they even have a second job, I don’t know, we don't know about the circumstances. I'm repeating myself, but I am convinced that this situation is difficult for Everbyte as well. And I don’t think they themselves expected it to take that long.

Still, I understand what you’re saying and how you mean it, but now, I think losing interest in things is normal. It happens all the time. And especially since Duskwood has been finished for quite some time now, the hype disappears at some point, but with luck it comes back. I mean, have you ever watched a movie you really liked but then you had to wait 3 or 4 or even more years for the second part? You’re not as excited about the movie every single day as you were the first time. You wait, maybe you lose interest in time, as I said, it’s normal. When the film is released, when it is finally ready, the joy often comes back. The movie was released and then you can decide if you want to watch it anyway, if it is worth trying, or if you are not interested anymore. Both is possible. Of course it's sad if you're absolutely done with it but it's simply normal and I don't think you can do anything about it.

And whether there is a connection between Moonvale and the more frequent occurrence of original works that I can not judge. I rather think it's simply because it's way easier to reach people with writing fanfiction. So, you can write fanfiction, write things you enjoy a lot and then you're interested in writing something made by yourself from top to bottom. You already reached some people so if you're lucky, maybe they will also be interested in an original work. I know many writers who simply never dared to publish original stories. But if one persons starts to publish their work other might get the missing courage to do it as well.

And yes, it’s also true that many Duskwood writers don’t post that much anymore. Of course, it will also be due to the fact that everyone’s joy and the excitement decreases a little after a while. Just like it happened with you. And that's okay as well. But I can also tell you that some people don’t read as many Duskwood fanfictions as before, which can be very demotivating for writer. But it’s also that the time we live in is nothing but hectic and exhausting. So much is going on. Everyone has so much stress. Health problems became much more present. Time is simply the enemy for many, the exhaustion does not allow people to write because something else is always going on. But in every other fandom it is no different, absolutely not. But because the Duskwood fandom is so much smaller it just stands out much faster. It's much more visible.

It's just a hard time in general. :/

Please don’t get my words wrong. I don't want to sound mean or rude or anything. Really. And I do understand what you mean and sometimes I even feel similar. It's a pity you're feeling this way by now but as I said, it's nothing unusual. It's sad when you lose things that used to bring you happiness but I think you can do nothing about it. I just hope at some point your excitement will be back and maybe you're even going to play Moonvale. I think it is not good to force yourself to like something if you have really lost interest. And instead of Duskwood and moonvale, I hope you find something else to enjoy. 💚

Still, thank you a lot for sending this ask and especially for sharing your thoughts with me/us. It means a lot to me. And I hope the 'situation' will improve for you again. I hope you're doing good so far. Please take always care of yourself and stay healthy and safe. Have a good day/evening/night. 💚💚

[zoeysdamn]

There shall be night - Part.4 Morpheus x priestess! reader

[Part.3]

The year 1350 had been devastating, and (Y/N) had witnessed every day of it. The Black Plague had been ravaging Europe and Asia for nearly four years already and it felt like the longest years of the priestess’ life. She had dedicated all of her time to the infected people who sought help. During the day (Y/N) did all she could to ease their excruciating pain, and at night she soothed their dreams to offer them some rest. More than ever she took her priestess duties very seriously; people needed to dream more than ever, to carry on through the sickness and keep hope. The priestesses’ motto was whispered more than once through comforting prayers, “there shall be night”. 

“What does it mean?” asked a coughing woman, laying on one of the dozen cots installed in the priestesses’ current home, somewhere in Germany.

“It means that even if the day puts us in trouble, in doubt or pain, the time of dreams will always welcome you” answered softly (Y/N), dabbing a wet cloth to the poor woman’s forehead. “It means that no matter what happens under the sun, we may find rest and answers in the land of the Dreaming. That we must keep hope”

The woman coughed again, clamping her hand tight in her mouth. (Y/N) winced a little; the woman didn’t have much longer left, she unfortunately knew that. 

The woman coughed again “That’s a pretty phrase”she said, her now bloodied hand falling lazily on her chest. “I like it” 

“I’m glad you do, '' said the priestess softly. 

“I think ‘m gonna sleep now” mumbled the sick woman with heavy eyelids. “I have nothing to fear, ‘mma right? I’ll dream.”

With a lump in her throat, (Y/N) nodded slowly. The woman would probably not see another week, at best. 

“You will” she assured her “There shall be night”. 

Her patient smiled softly and closed her eyes, a contented smile on her tired face. (Y/N) released a breath she held for far too long. At least the woman would sleep peacefully. Should it be her last night, (Y/N) prayed that she would have a pleasant sleep.

She got up, crossed the infirmary and stepped outside. The fresh air in her lungs was very much welcomed. Even if the golden age of Morpheus’ priestesses was centuries behind her, she still kept faith. On days like this one she felt like she did something good at least. Everything within her mere long-living human powers may be not enough to cure the plague, but at least her duties to the dreamers helped soothe their pain.

Nearly twelve centuries have passed since her boisterous encounter with the Dream Lord. They never met since, at least not directly. She felt his presence every time she came to the Dreaming, a deep and heavy feeling in the air. She stopped feeling guilty for coming to him after his son’s passing decades ago. With the years her shame turned into remorse and she meditated on it a lot. She also reached for help, mainly from other priestesses’ caring ears. By the end of the tenth century, she only felt hurt about the Dream Lord’s violent reaction that resulted in him shunning her out for so long. (Y/N) also thought that maybe, the Dream Lord’s anger had softened for the dreadful feeling that loomed over her during her stays in the Dreaming had gradually disappeared. She didn’t expect him to have forgiven her; by now, she knew Morpheus was a prideful being. The initial adoration that blinded her from all of his flaws was gone, although she was still faithful. 

Yes, she thought as some villagers took away another corpse under a white sheet, things had definitely changed since her time at the temple. 

 She may have been hundreds of years old, but losing someone was never an easy thing for (Y/N). Right now, holding one another's priestess' hand tightly may have been the hardest thing she had ever done for the last 20 years - and she had been through four years of the plague. 

“It hurts,” moaned the priestess, burning with fever. “It hurts so much (Y/N), gods”

“Shhhh, I know dear, I know” she soothed, replacing the cold cloth on her forehead. “The tea will ease the pain, I promise”

With trembling fingers, the sick priestess took the cup offered by (Y/N) and drank slowly through her chapped lips. (Y/N) hardly recognised the priestess anymore. Once a youthful and dedicated priestess full of life, Beatrice was only the shadow of who she was once. (Y/N) thought that the sand of the Dreaming, which frequent contact gave them their longevity, could prevent any of her sisters from falling under this horrible disease. How she fooled herself. 

Beatrice coughed harshly, her whole body shaking under her fever’s pressure. Feeling helpless (Y/N) couldn’t do anything but run her fingers through the poor woman’s hair. Once her coughing fit died down, Beatrice’s glossy eyes looked up at her friend’s tired face. Even if she was the one in the poorest condition, she tried to cheer up.

“It’s not such a glorious way to go, isn’t it?” asked the laying priestess with a weak smile.

Blinking away the gathering tears (Y/N) offered her a sweet smile. “You could never be anything less than glorious”. 

“Oh shush you flattering fox” she responded with a painful laugh, gently swaying her hand.

The night after, (Y/N) was at Beatrice’s bedside. Her fever had died down a little, but (Y/N) still sat here for a few hours after tending to the other patient’s wounds - and dreams. She never got a lot of sleep - good, resting sleep - for months, but she couldn’t leave her friend alone. The candle on the nightstand was almost out and (Y/N) started to doze off. But then, she felt an unknown presence near the room. She frowned. No one was awake at this hour, and no one ever came during the night except for emergencies. Plus, this presence seemed somehow familiar.

The door opened, and a feminine figure entered the room. As she approached, (Y/N) gazed at the black-skinned nun. She has a soft smile and kind eyes, and felt somewhat familiar. 

“Hello (Y/N)” she greeted her in a soft voice.

The priestess nodded back in acknowledgement, still a bit surprised by this sudden appearance. Then, she realised who it might be. 

“You’re Death, aren’t you?”. Her voice held no hatred or fear. Just a bit of apprehension. 

The woman nodded. (Y/N) stared at her for a few seconds before lowering her gaze to Beatrice's peacefully sleeping body. A lump grew in her throat. 

“It is her time, isn’t it?”

“Yes” answered the woman in a gentle voice. 

“Will she…will she go in her sleep?” asked (Y/N) as tears started swelling in her eyes, not tearing her gaze from Beatrice’s sleeping form. 

“Don’t you wish to say goodbye?” offered Death who came closer to the bedside, carefully sitting on the opposite side of (Y/N). 

She shook her head. “No…she deserves to go in peace…in her sleep where she can find rest”. She lowered her face and pressed her lips on Beatrice’s forehead for long seconds. By the time she pulled away, tears were flooding down her face. 

She thought that Death would take Beatrice’s body right away, but she realised that the woman with kind eyes was still sitting in front of her. 

“Did you know her for a long time?”

(Y/N) was a bit surprised by her question. She didn’t imagine Death to be one interested by human sobs stories. 

“We met three centuries ago,” she sniffled. “She became a priestess just after we left the Adriatic’s sea shores.”

Through blurry eyes (Y/N) cast Beatrice a loving look. 

“She was my friend. My companion. I…I would have probably not gone that far without her”

A sob escaped her lips. 

“Will you walk her to the sunless lands?” she asked. 

“I will show her the way” promised Death “But she has to make this trip on her own”

The priestess nodded. “Thank you”

Even if the Dream Lord had been cold with her, (Y/N) still met with Lucienne from time to time in the Dreaming. The librarian had told her about their lord’s older sister, and her duties. That’s why (Y/N), despite her grief, had a question. 

“Why are you here?” she asked in a small voice. “I am thankful for the time you allowed for me to make my goodbyes, but I do not understand your presence in front of me, Lady Death” 

The Endless smiled fondly at her. 

“It’s a gift (Y/N), priestess of Morpheus” 

(Y/N) stared in disbelief. “A gift?” she repeated. Death nodded.

“The last few years have been particularly rough, as you know. A lot of people have passed away, and more and more people started to fear me, priestess. But at your own scale, you helped me.”

“How so?” she frowned. 

“You gave people hope. As a priestess of my brother, you take care of human lives in an aspect they tend to forget - as dreamers. As long as they dream, my arrival is less painful to them. They can go while bringing their hope”

“But…but why do you…care about the dreamers’ state?” asked (Y/N), still confused. 

Death smiled gently again. “Being less hated is always a blessing. I serve humans, just like you do, but my services are rarely appreciated.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” whispered (Y/N). 

“Don’t be” said Death in a reassuring smile “As I said, it is a relief to have someone providing help, wherever it be for a human…or an Endless” 

Not sure of how to respond, (Y/N) bowed her head respectfully. The moment after she heard the sound of wings flapping, and when she looked up, Death was gone. (Y/N) took a few seconds to herself, then covered the body laying in the bed with a white sheet. 

The next day, they buried Beatrice’s body. 

“You are lucky, little brother” 

Morpheus’ eyebrows slightly rose as he turned toward his older sister. It was rare to hear compliments from any of his siblings, even from his beloved sister. 

“How so?” he asked in his usual low rumble. 

“I’ve met your priestess” 

His frown deepened. His sister’s visits were rarely without purpose, he wondered where she wanted to lead this conversation. 

“Funny how you didn’t ask me which one I’ve met” she teased as they walked together in the Dreaming. 

“Who did you meet?” he indulged although he already knew the answer. And Death certainly knew that, too. 

“Don’t play smart with me, little brother” smirked Death while nudging his shoulder playfully. "But if you really want to be this dense, I met (Y/N)" 

The Dream Lord hummed pensively. Of course he knew which one of his priestesses must have encountered his sister - and was still alive.

"Why did you come to her when it wasn't her time?" 

"Aww, you do care about her" cooed Death fondly, even at her brother's immediate scowl. "I came for her companion" 

"Companion?" frowned Morpheus, unaware that (Y/N) had held such links with someone else. Death almost laughed at her brother for his absurdly clueless behaviour. 

"Another priestess of yours" answered Death while linking her arm to Morpheus'. "They shared a strong bond for decades, for what I understood. I wanted to grant (Y/N) a gift, so I allowed her to say goodbye to her companion" 

"A gift? What for?" asked Morpheus with his usual frown, although a glimpse of jealousy passed briefly in his eyes. 

"Are you really that oblivious, brother? Your priestess has been a great help to me during the last few years of the plague. The least I could do was at least to thank her" 

"Her duties lie with me, not with you sister" growled the Dream Lord, jealousy slowly making its way in his guts. 

"Dream" interrupted his sister with a kind but firm voice "She took care of people's health and ability to dream. Without her, a lot of humans wouldn't have been able to even hope to dream. She basically ensured that your realm was still needed"

"I still don't understand what it has to do with you" he grumbled. 

Death sighed heavily. "Do you have any idea of how hard it is to have everyone hating you? Being afraid of you? Humans despite me, Dream" 

"Why do you care?" he shrugged indifferently. 

Death tugged hard on his arm, forcing him to look at her serious stare. In his sister's usual calm eyes, he saw a string of hurt like never before. 

"I care. I don't have to justify how I feel to you when I say that I'm hurt" 

Morpheus lowered in shame, disappointed in himself for having hurt his sister. 

"Apologies, sister. Please, continue" 

Death tsked but had already brushed it off, returning to her usual gentle self. 

"(Y/N) made humans hold tight on sleep as a peaceful place, where they can be anything, including free of their pain. Once I came for them, humans who had been in contact with her were serene, Dream. I owe her big time" 

"Interesting," muttered the Dream Lord. 

"Her faith in you hasn't wavered" assured his sister "Although I sometimes quite don't understand why, given how you treated her a few centuries back" she added with a pointed look. 

Morpheus whipped his head toward his sister, with narrowing eyes. 

"Who told you that?" 

"Delirium caught a word of that somehow, and the word spread among the family. You know how anxious she gets when you're angry" 

"I'm not angry at her," mumbled Morpheus. "Nor am I still at (Y/N)" 

"Oh? Well, it isn't the impression she gave me when I saw her. She was reeking with guilt and shame, hell she thinks she has failed you" 

Morpheus didn't respond right away. Under his sister's watchful stare he knew he had to choose his next words carefully. 

"I don't hold any anger toward her anymore. I forgave her centuries ago" 

"Not that there was anything to forgive" sassed Death back with a roll of her eyes "And did you tell her that?" 

The silence of her brother answered itself. Death released a loud gasp and slapped him on the arm. 

"Dream! You let this poor girl rot in guilt for centuries just because your prideful ass and stupid ego forbid you to actually apologise?? Ugh!" 

Once again, nothing but her brother’s silence answered her, and it made her even more mad at him. 

“That woman had been devoted to you for ages brother, asking nothing in return but your trust. For what I understood she even was here for you when your son died!”

“Careful here sister” warned Dream in a menacing tone. Orpheus’ passing was still a touchy subject among the family. But Death didn’t stop her scolding. 

“She loves you, brother. If you want to sulk in your grief and push any help like you did centuries ago, fine. But stop torturing her with your stupid ego and take your responsabilities toward her. She had served you faithfully, now she needs your help”

As Death walked away in a fury, Dream stood still dumbfounded. It has been aeons since he saw his sister this mad at him. Which definitely meant something. 

For someone who has barely apologised to anyone in his life, it took Morpheus quite some time to bring himself to do so. Another one or two centuries, give or take. By this time, Renaissance was already blooming in Europe, Death was still mad at him, and (Y/N) and some priestesses had moved to England. 

Morpheus would never admit it out loud, but his centenary meetings with Hob Gadling actually made him rethink a little the few connections he had with human beings - namely, Hob and (Y/N). Maybe immortal beings could teach him something, after all. And deep down he may actually feel sorry for how he treated his oldest and most devoted priestess. Not that he would ever admit it to anyone, especially his siblings. 

So here he was, standing in the alley across a downtown hospital. Jessamy had located (Y/N) and the other priestesses here a few hours ago. The raven shared her concern with her master, for (Y/N) had seemed very tired, bags under her eyes and slow gestures. And if she had noticed the raven at the window, she didn’t recognise Jessamy. 

The Dream Lord waited for the people inside of the building to gradually go to sleep. As soon as he felt that most of its inhabitants had joined the Dreaming, he slipped inside the mansion. Passing through corridors leading to the patients’ rooms he reached the upper floor, where Jessamy said (Y/N) was.

He pushed open a slightly-ajar door and his gaze laid on his priestess. She was slouching in an armchair, one elbow plopped on a nearby table supporting her head. Her breathing was slow but traces of tiredness were visible on her face. Those days dreamers were more prone to harnessing more powerful dreams about discoveries of the “New World”, new technologies such as printing, and artistic blooming. Even if it was way more pleasant than previous times she lived in, her duties to the Dreaming could be often gruelling due to the intensity of the dreamers.

Concerned with her tired state, Morpheus noticed that (Y/N) wasn’t in the Dreaming yet. She seemed asleep, but was still at this early state of being asleep, but not yet dreaming. He approached silently and crouched before her. Looking at her fondly he realised that she must have just sat to rest for a few minutes before starting to doze off. He wondered how she had been during all these centuries. Unable to resist curiosity, he gently took her hand in his and reached in her sleeping memories. 

Priestesses running away from the temple…tears flooding on her face as she cast a last look at her childhood home…

Teaching new recruits how to interpret dreams…how to recognize which herbs can put someone into sleep…congratulating them on their progress…

Learning new languages as she changed places… guiding people through the understanding of their dreams… 

Silent prayers to him… demands of forgiveness he never answered… words of faith to regain some courage… 

Burning piles of bodies… plagues and witch hunts… fellow priestesses passing away of illness…. 

Townspeople newfound respect for each sleep appeased… thoughtful discussion about nightmares and dreams with lords, peasants, ladies and people of church… 

Intimate thoughts about him… to hold tight onto his being and his existence to carry on… 

Times of doubt… bitter taste of convictions wavering after another failed attempt to help a dreamer… cries and wails of despair… 

Occasional visits of the Corinthian… the habit of the nightmare to tease and haunt her… but also a kind of fondness and unexpected caring for every time he shows support… 

Times of joy… of celebration for every priestess' birthday… of friendship and mutual faith through the years… 

Holding Beatrice's hand… 

Lonely nights were sleep comes with his name hanging on her lips… 

Pulling away from (Y/N)’s memories, Morpheus released a breath he didn’t even realised holding. He felt a wetness on his cheeks but didn’t registered it as tears. His empathic abilites that came with his Dream Lord’s duties had always made him absorbing everyone’s emotions; in order to not drown under them, he always buried it deep inside of him, sometimes resulting in shutting some people out. Death and Delirium, even Lucienne were used to it; but he missed someone important. He had shut (Y/N) emotions for so long, he never realised all she’d been through. For maybe the first time in his life, he felt sorry. 

A shift on the chair pulled him out of his thoughts. (Y/N) stirred and her eyes fluttered. Between half-lided eyelids, the priestess barely caught a glimpse of him but could make out the outline of a pale face and deep starry eyes. She’d recognised them anywhere. 

“Morpheus…” 

Her tired but adoring voice coming out above but in a whisper warmed something in his heart. Morpheus slowly letting go of her hand to reach inside of his coat. Grabbing a handful of his sand he hold it and very gently, blew it in her face. The golden sand beads caressed her face, kissing her eyelids shut and very slowly made her whole body relax and fall back. Before her body collapsed on the armchair, Morpheus had gently slip a hand on her neck, delicately cupping the back of her head. For a few moments, he got lost in the contemplation of her face. Her tired, imperfect, gentle, human face. 

Hoisting her up in his arms, he pulled her out of the chair to guide her to the bed in a corner of the room. With utmost gentleness Morpheus laid his priestess on her bed, like he was laying a statue made of the finest crystal. His thumb carressed her cheek as he was trying to erase all traces of worry of her face. (Y/N) sighed soflty in her sleep and unconsciously leaned on his touch. Morpheus felt himself smile sadly. Maybe Death was right and he had been ungrateful to the one person who had always been devoted to him.

Leaning foward he brushed his lips on her forehead. 

“Sweet dreams, dear priestess” 

[Part.5]

A/N:

Me writing part 1: Lord Morpheus was poised, calm and to be respected 

Me writing part 4: this little bITCH was so stupid and clueless I want to slap his face with a baguette 

Also, bisexual reader bc there is no way anyone spend immortality being 100% hetero. 

Ngl Death putting some sense into Morpheus' thick head is my favourite thing in the universe. You go mama Death, yeet your Doc Martens at that emo wet cat brother of yours.

Death                                              🤝                                       Unity Kinckaid

                          Looking at Morpheus dead in the eyes

                                  while calling him a stupid bitch

                                       and taking 0 shit about it

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