#like drawing makes me really happy already and then i get nice messages from people

[shimmershy]

your chara means so so so much to me you have no clue. we have an alter that heavily identifies with chara & your art gives them so much comfort. we wanna take that little creature out of the screen and hug them. lots of love, and support. love your art style so much. thank you :]]

I'm really really glad to hear that, knowing my art is meaningful to somebody makes me so unbelievably happy. Thank you so much for such a lovely message! I hope you're having a great day/night. :)

[somnambulic-thing]

wrong number 2.2k

A/N: Just had an idea for a fic I will very probably never write in a fully flashed out way because I have a million wips and no attention span and no deisre to have more wips but don't want to fully let this idea go to waste so here it goes in very shortened form and probably very messy and rough.

Eddie x afab!reader || imagine them in their early/mid 30s

cw: mental health themes, reader has a broken leg, angsty shit, fluff, happy end

You moved cities to have a fresh start after a rough time came to an even rougher but long overdue end. You know nobody here, a clean slate to draw new blueprints on.

Two weeks in and despite your grumpy hermit ways, you are friendly with some of your neighbours already. They are nice, helpful people which is a win you take like it was a million bucks.

Three weeks in, you fall down a flight of stairs, break your leg and bump your head. Brilliant.

Back from the ER you sink into your bed, looking at still unpacked boxes and biting back bitter tears of frustration when your phone beeps. You eye it suspiciously, anxious your past might be knocking already, bloodhounds of days past sniffing your weakend state and their chance to inflict a little more pain.

You figure you're overracting, turn on the sceen and find a message from an unknown number.

[Hey Rick. Sorry to drop this on you on such short notice, but I won't make it to your get-home-from-prison party tonight. I can swing by next week with a six-pack or something. You have a good time, yeah? I'll explain when we see each other.]

[Hey there. I'm afraid you got the wrong number. I don't know any Ricks. But gratulations to him from me for getting out of prison, when you get a chance. Unless he's a serial killer or something comparable. Then I want you to run.]

[Well, shit. Sorry.]

And then after a few seconds: [I get back to you in case I need a place to hide.]

And somehow this sparks a conversation that lasts for hours. His name is Eddie, you learn after some minutes of back and forth which are unsuspectedly remarkably funny. But he's surprisingly also really concerned about your leg and your mild concussion and the fact that you mentioned you will give yourself one day of rest and then try to catch up on and get as much stuff done as you can with your cast and crutches. Luckily you can work from home, you say. Eddie isn't sure how he feels about that.

He makes you swear you take it easy. He asks if there are people that can take care of you and you lie to that concerned stranger who is the first person to make you laugh out loud in a too long time. You tell him your friends are taking turns to look after you. Why lie to a stranger? It's complicated... He keeps checking in, keeps chatting with you about all kinds of things all day long no matter what he has to do: Work, band practice, DnD, being out with friends or his uncle, Eddie keeps lighting up your phone all day long. The later the day, the deeper your conversations and you soon get the feeling that Eddie isn't all just fun and jokes but when you actually try to poke softly, he evades you.

[When you feel better and still are interested in my bullshit, I'll share. Promise.]

Okay, fine. Why would he want to trust you with his private struggles? He's just a stranger, with friends and an support system, who probably will lose interest to invest his time into you sooner than he himself is expecting. Which is fine... really... would be fine if he wasn't really funny... and interesting with a hundred interests and hobbies... and so weird and oddly caring... and living on the other side of the country.

But four days in and you wake up with a text from him, asking you if you finally could sleep a little better than the days before.

And then at 3am and endless hours of exchanging messages filled with thoughs and musings and dreams, he offers to send you a copy of a book he is sure you would enjoy. That he really needs... you to read for important reasons. One of them is to remedy the boredom inflicted by bedrest in those hours Eddie is busy and can't entertain you.

You give him your address almost without second thought, despite your mind telling you to maybe think about it first...

You had avoided anything outside of texts - no pictures, no calls - and he hadn't pressed the matter by himself. Which was a relief because you're not sure if you could witstand the temptation if he were to offer.

Getting more pieces of him... It just felt too dangerous. But a book was just a book, right?

You rely on your 72 year old neighbour for food and other errands and chores around your place. Mrs P is such a sweet old lady eager to help as much as she can, bending over backwards for you. So you naturally try to bother her only when it's really dire.

Seven days in and you see the postman stuff a small parcel into your mailbox. You hurry to snatch your crutches, not even thinking about what you are doing and you limp down the six stories to your mailbox way too fast. Your head is not happy and neither is your leg and it takes you and your ego ages and all your strength to get back up to your apartment.

You fall into your bed, exhausted, sweaty and in pain and crying in frustration and you fall asleep on the package from Eddie before you can even think of opening it.

Your phone rings and wakes you up when it's already pitch black outside. You've slept most of the day away.

Answering the phone on autopilot, still half asleep you don't check the name on the screen.

"Yeah?" you drawl.

"Jesus fucking Christ you're alive."

"What--? I--"

"I haven't heard from you in hours and your messages sounded so antsy and sad all day and I had a bad feeling somehow. Are you ok? Did I wake you?"

"Eddie?"

"Yeah, sweetheart. Hi, that's my voice. Anxious edition."

You're overwhelmed. Finding no words while his words dig deep trenches of longing into your brain which are hard to get out of...

"You still there?"

"Uh-hn, yeah..."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just woke up, like you said. That's my voice. Sleepy edition."

And then he laughs. Oh god, what a sweet sweet sound.

"Hmm, sorry I just was really worried here..."

You tell Eddie there is nothing to worry about but that he's very sweet and he asks you if you have a little time to chat, tells you he likes your voice, likes it a lot and of course you have time but something weighs on you and the flutter of bats in your stomach.

You can't say if it's the aftershock of your staircase ordeal or the fact that your wonderful stranger keeps getting more and more real and more and more precious or a mixture of both. Suddenly there is silence on the other end of the line.

"Eddie? You still there?"

"Something's off."

You shuffle and feel the parcel poke into your ribs. You dig it out from under you, face heating up from two sources - the gift and his tone - and you start to fumble the parcel open.

"I'm sorry--"

"Don't be. I just want to help. Let me help."

You finally fully unwrap the book. It's a well loved worn paperback copy. You run your fingertips over every wrinkles and cracks in the cover. Your voice sounds dazed to your own ears when you speak.

"I got your book..."

"Oh. Okay, yeah, great. And?"

You notice the excitement in his voice, notice that it matches your heartbeat when you open the book and find it full of notes. On some pages the margines are completly filled with Eddie's toughts.

"I just unwrapped it, like, ten seconds ago."

"Oh."

"I didn't realize you would send me... such a personal thing... looks like a diary..."

"Kinda is. Too weird?"

You stare at his handwriting which is somewhat of an elegant scratch and all those little sketches and something inside you gives way.

"I'm not okay..."

"I know. Tell me?"

You tell him that you lied, that there were no friends despite your eldery neighbor looking after you and you tell him about your little ordeal this afternon and about feeling tired and lonely and scared and starved for joy and he listens through it all.

Now it will be too much, you think but then you look at the book in your lap and keep talking. When you're done, there is silence on the other end.

"You still there."

"Processing."

"Mad?"

"Nope."

"Too much?"

"For me?" He chuckles. It's bitter and wonderful. "Sweetheart, it's not me who's dealing with all that shit right now. If you can handle living it, I can handle listening to it..."

"I hear you swallowing a but."

"But I know what you're talking about..."

You talk a little longer and despite him saying everything is alright, something is different. He seems distant, distracted, not fully with you. You keep leafing through that book, gently tracing the lines that are proof of his existance, marks he left in the world, preparing for him to ask you to send it back as soon as you can. You prepare for him to realize this was a mistake. A charity case gone wrong.

Eventually you get tired and a headache and he tells you to go rest, voice soft and deep and you're preparing for this to be the last time you'll hear it.

"Sleep well, yeah?"

No more sweetheart.

"I will. You too."

"See you tomorrow."

"Bye."

You have a restless night and wake up to a message from him.

[Good Morning. How did you sleep?]

You smile, feeling stupid, like you overreacted and you exchange some messages but they are short and flat and there is still no sweetheart. Around noon, your phone has gone silent. Inside your chest, the echoes of disapointment are deafening.

You bury yourself in his book, and it feels like you're having a conversation with him through his notes for they are like direct replies to your own thoughts about the story unfolding. You can't put it down, probably look up from it for the first time in hours late in the evening when you're full on crying, holding the book away from you to not get tears or snot on it.

And then there is a knock at your door. Three sharp raps. Quick.

And you think it must be Mrs P with your groceries, you feel guilty that she has to carry all the stuff upstairs while her knee is bothering her. You make your way out of bed, get your crutch and slowly move towards the door.

"Coming!"

You realize you still have the book in your hand and you wedge it under your arm to open your door and--

"Hi."

Your heart is racing as your mind tries to keep up with what is happening. You consider pinching yourself, consider reaching out to touch him, see if he's made of flesh and blood or delirium, feel the dip of a frown-made crease betwen his brows under your fingertips, the fine stubble on his cheeks under the slide of your thumb.

"That's my face. Worried edition... why are you crying?"

You lean against the crutch, wipe at your cheeks with one hand, dry your fingers on your shirt and pluck the book from under your arm, holding it up wordlessly. Eddie's face lights up in a big, wide, gorgeous smile. Now there are dimples you want to explore. Suddenly the floor is moving.

"Easy, easy." Warm hands steady you. You hear the door fall close behind you and then it finally dawns on you.

The dreamy guy from inside your phone is inside your flat.

He's holding you steady by your shoulders on outstreched arms, searching your face with big, incredibly dark eyes.

God he's fucking beautiful.

"You gonna faint, beautiful?"

You shake your head. That's all you can do.

"I'm going to use your very understandable shock to ramble for a moment, okay? Okay. The obvious first. What the fuck am I doing here without invitation? Offering you my help. I rearranged all my shit and I can stay for two weeks, if you like. I have a hotel room booked and ready if you don't want me to stay the nights. Next: Why didn't I ask on the phone first? Because I kinda feared you would just say no and be all tough and stupid about needing help. I am way more charming in person and I was counting on me actually being here, a real guy, showing you that I mean it, would make it easier to convince you... Am I pushy? Yeah. I guess I am. But... if you really want me to piss off again, I will piss off. We pretend that I was just getting back my book because you're not fit to get to the post office right now and I'll never bother you again... but I could stay and make you dinner while you tell me which part of the book made you cry, decide over my fate when you're fed and calmed down? I left a whole load of food with your neighbor downstairs. Nice lady. Thinks you're a stubborn thing, by the way."

You swallow around something enourmous and try your vocal cords on something simple.

"Hi."

He tilts his head, smiles softly.

"Hey sweetheart."

You inhale deeply. Your exhale either carries bravery or invites doom but suddenly you're really, really hungry...

"You're really here."

"Yeah, shit, I know... to be honest, my knees are really wobbly right now?"

"You're crazy."

"Hmm, totally... bad case... started about a week ago..."

And there you see it. He's nervous too. That finally makes him real.

"So," you say, reaching out to cup his cheek, your touch coaxing out those dimples again. "What's for dinner then?"

[beamattack]

Hi! I wanted to ask you, how you began with your idea about your zelda au? You inspired me in doing a my own one and in a game-like-way, i love your contents in this your idea! (Idk if you already replied a similar question :,I)

What a nice message! I'm so happy when people ask about and enjoy my zelda stuff even when i haven't been able to draw for it for a while, since it's very close to my heart! :^D And i'm so happy to hear that it has inspired you!! Makes my heart worm 🪱 ❤️

As for how I began with it… I can't remember my exact thought process, but I've always found loz-games fascinating both gameplay-wise and story/worldbuilding-wise! I've always loved how different the games are even with their shared elements. The land of Hyrule itself and its creatures vary wildly from game to game and aren't bound by any certain rules, which just adds to its strange myth-like quality which i adore. So I think I just naturally started to play around and thought about what I would do if I made a LoZ game - it's like a giant playground to me! At first I just had vague ideas that I liked: I've always liked Vaati so he'd be the antagonist, I've always wanted to see more of the rarely seen darker fairies so I made one Link's companion, I like drawing fabric moving in the wind so Link got a scarf, I love drawing snow so that would be the main setting, etc.. You see my thought pattern, haha! I drew a couple of concept sketches to get it out of my head, and some years later I revisited it and added to it and formed into what it is today (Zelda, the village, the story, map & locations etc.).

Basically I wanted to create a LoZ idea that could possibly be played as an actual game in the franchise but with my own touches, and picking elements from canon that I really liked (some people have noticed that it feels like it could fit the “Hyrule's Decline” timeline, which is right - I'm super inspired by ALttP/ALBW's maps and Zelda 1 & 2's manuals and feel!). Same with the gameplay elements - so much of LoZ's identity lies in its gameplay, so for me it would be impossible to come up with a Zelda idea without thinking of it as a game, haha! So it's a mix between canon gameplay elements (dungeons, items, enemies & bosses) and just stuff that I personally think would be fun (Link as a stealthy scout, snowy environment hazards, status effects (I'm a JRPG nerd) etc).

Sorry for the long answer! This might be more than you asked for. But I'm glad you asked, thank you! :D I haven't been able to draw much lately because of my studies but here are a couple of sketches I can share! :)

(loz idea masterpost)

[sukunasun]

hi do you write dark content? is it possible we get stalker!geto pls!

sigh sigh...

its the competency for me...the amount of research he’s done, can't really be a stalker if you get caught, or if you don’t at least have a basic understanding of surveillance tech...it’s not difficult sure, where’s the challenge really when no one is safe, when information is so easily accessible, but he shouldn’t complain. after all what has years of experience given him? that he doesn’t go after every type of woman but the ones that happen to just have that little bit of resistance. enough to suspect, to be wary, but not enough that they wouldn’t fall for him. and maybe he genuinely likes you too, but only as someone to own and keep, i’d do anything to tap into that violent and psychotic level of devotion and love he’s so capable of. 

the layers will start to unravel eventually and he comes off a little bit on edge, unhinged too, so creepy how he has zero self awareness, that people are put off by him, "you can't keep threatening to kill the waiter," you say, a little worried at his violent outbursts, and how he's able to just revert back to being the sweetheart you fell for. calm and collected. the emotional whiplash is strong.—"you're right sweetie, i should have just killed him on the spot, that way i wouldn't have to waste my breath..."

the way he’s sending you random packages of the most specific items, how did he know the exact brand of perfume you use, or your bra size. the flowers he sends to your workplace are nice, but the messages are a little much though, there's only so many ‘i love you’s written on every square inch of scallop trimmed card a girl can handle, but still...nice nonetheless, beautiful even.

so expensive too, how could you say no, how could you return the boots you’ve been eyeing for months, your name left on a waiting list for the longest time and he’s managed to get them shipped to you in a matter of days. you wear the boots, the earrings, all these things he’s gifted you and he’ll take it as a sign of your approval, which is why he doesn’t think you’ll turn them down...not the drawings he’s made of the two of you entwined, holding hands or having him atop you, he’s even got the colour of your hair and eyes in the right shade. what an artist, and a writer too, or at least the ten-page fanfic he’s written will be a testament to his skill, pictorial the way he describes how exactly he jerks off to you, how he’d like to see the fear flash across your eyes for that split second he presses a knife to your skin, against fleshy thighs, should he carve his name there?— “i was just being poetic you know, i won’t actually do that stuff...” he laughs it off.  

and he loves listening in on your conversations, searching up every contact in your phone, everything he does leads up to this, to hear you say "oh i love him, we're soulmates, i hope we'll stay together forever,” and he can't help but smile. beauty is in the eye of the beholder and what he sees in you stems less from physical attraction but that you’d be willing prey, he’ll be patient, doesn’t care how long it’ll take because of the satisfaction he gets when it all comes together.

you’ll be so happy with him, caresses the photos he’s taken from dark corners, on a rooftop, some he’s stolen straight off your job website. pinned to his wall alongside maps spread open, coordinates he’s scribbled on a piece of scrap paper, bank statements and text messages, your blood test results and medical records, all the people who've wronged you framed in passport sized thumbnails, arranged in a neat, uniformed line, red crosses over the ones he's already taken care of...suddenly that annoying co worker who makes you work overtime has disappeared, and your ex-boyfriend hasn’t posted anything in awhile...but geto's a professional of course, never leaves a trail, whether by bullet or knife or his bare hands, he loves you enough to not get you in trouble, he wouldn't want that for you...

your eyes rake over them, it finally clicks—"you killed them,” you whisper, shocked. breaths puffing out hurriedly, your heart begins to hammer, pounding so loud you miss his thumping footsteps coming closer.  "i had to,” geto replies standing before his handiwork, the attention to detail, a whole masterpiece. 

he’s sympathetic, hates seeing you so upset, fingers coming up to graze over the picture of your ex-boyfriend, “he wronged you,” geto explains, then drags his hands to the next photo, fingers pointing to your colleagues, “and they were such a nuisance weren’t they? i didn’t like that they made you work so hard…i waited all night for you to come home,” his shoulders rise and fall as he lets out another sigh, one that carries memories of sitting by his multitude of screens displaying live footage from cameras he’s no doubt set up, wired microphones in every corner of your apartment. 

"i know you best, i’ve seen everything,” ; taking a nap at 2, then work on a dissertation at 4, his eyes never leaving you for a second. casually watching you while sipping on tea, eyes taking in your form lounging in a bed, plush pillows resting under your chin, against your hip as you tap away at your computer and knows just exactly what you're doing; he knows you’re catching feelings, that you have notes written out of date ideas and long, long letters you'll never send to him, 'bday gifts' and 'children's names' in a bullet point list, all the cute new outfits waiting in a cart, and there’s the porn...just that little thing he rewards himself with—indulges in the fact that somehow your tastes are very specific, why are tall men with long hair the only thing you search for, that you’re more inclined to, or that you specifically like listening to the audios with melodic voices, whiny men who get right up to the mic and beg. and sometimes it’s the other way around...how dark and depraved you are to like what he does to you, “we belong together, i can make you happy, aren't you tired of being alone?” he says then, after he’s wound the rope around your wrists and it starts to cut into the skin, he pleads, he cries, “i couldn’t live without you...we’re meant to be...don't you want to be loved?" knowing you waited so long to hear it.

——————————————————

(inspired by a few lil messages from a discord chat with @sandsorghum ! )

[accio-victuuri]

CPN : Candies from Sunshine By My Side ( filming wrap ) ☀️

I may miss some minor candies but that’s just how it is cause people may interpret things differently. It’s just so nice to see new content from and XZ, and the fact that Sheng Yang is so cute! can’t wait to meet him!

some things already discussed previously:

night light fake rumor

same sun emoji used

disclaimer : everything below is cpn, speculation and interpretation that is very bjyx bias. if you’re not into that then please leave.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

I wanna start with ZZ’s general aura and disposition during the wrap, and how happy he was. It’s really nice to see him be among a group of people that seems to dote on him and that he can be comfortable with. You can probably see some double standard talk going around, that yes, during CQL wrap, he was also happy — however, in the last day, there were moments that they both looked sad. Also the airport photos of GG next day where his eyes were swollen — from crying probably. Add one of the CPNs that they both cried when the filming ended inside their car. So yeah. As much as I see him happy, it brings me back to the bittersweet ending of CQL. I won’t add any video/photo evidence of this anymore because it’s a well-known fandom CPN.

I also just remembered how much of a jiejie collector XZ is. LOL. If WYB collects geges, then XZ collects jiejies. That’s what I noticed with his interactions towards his co-star. I think she’s another jiejie who is now doting on XZ. 😂😂😂😂

Moving on to the other CPN clues, starting with some usual fandom symbols that we see. I love adding those to every post because it shows how consistent they are. for example the logo animation of XZS where GG talks about the Moon. like how many times did we make a CPN between them connected to the 🌙? these might be hard to spot for new turtles or those who aren’t into cpns.

sunflower, the legendary fan given by wyb, red heart, apple watch — need i say more? for the drawing, i’m not sure if ZZ made it but the wink did it for me cause he usually does that. i mean, even WYB’s black panther was winking. sooooo… The 10:05 is a given, but the 10:23 is a nice one cause we’ve been associating him to 23 ( Ai Zhan / Love Zhan ). I have also been thinking about this number because for XZS lantern festival game, they are giving away 23 desk calendars. so specific.

this imagery from the vlog compared to WYB’s single video is just so similar. the sunshine allowing plants to grown. whether that me be literal or metaphorical. how they view the world is so hopeful 🤍🤍🤍 and this is why they get along so well. there is really no way they wouldn’t be close, even if they didn’t end up playing WWX / LWJ. I believe that somehow, they would find their way to each other and still have the relationship we think they have. 🌱

and yes, we know that this was part of the filming process. at the start, XZ planted it and during the course of the shoot cared for it and watched it grow. but the similarity in their message to people and to the world. I can’t. this is some next level coincidence and connection.

The use of words that are same/similar to the captions of Hidden Blade’s weibo account is next. It’s one of those things that I think XZ is purposely fucking with us. It’s not like you can claim that he copies HB, because they do not own those captions on their posts. it’s just words. However clowns will know — what are the chances that he is using the same/similar? Mister eloquent himself who also has a team that does his videos. It all seems intentional.

• “plant your own sun” / and then HB is always putting suns on every 100 million they get in the box office. the intention in XZ’s words is like, do it yourself. like a person works hard to get their success. similar to what happened to HB, they have very little backing and it’s because the movie is actually good that it’s getting the recognition.

• 春回大地 the return of spring. It’s from a chinese idiom which means that spring returns to the earth. It is described that the severe cold has passed, and warmth and vitality have come to the world again.

• 逐光而行 follow the light / 与光同行 walk with the light.

there is also a cpn going around about the sound you can hear from the radio. I am the last person to verify things like this but can you hear wuming? 💀💀💀

but I think the correct explanation is, what it’s actually saying is “how do you rate it?” ( or something like that ) and because of the sound manipulation, you can sort of hear wuming. this is not the first time XZ puts things that he purposely wants us to mishear. lol.

that’s all for now. i am still waiting for an actual trailer from this drama + one & only so we can have proper FMVs of Sheng Yang and Chen Suo. The AU / Parallel world Yizhan pairing to rule them all 😂😂😂

-END.

[tomorrowxtogether]

HUENINGKAI: “Once I like something, I end up liking it for a long time”

TOMORROW X TOGETHER The Name Chapter: TEMPTATION comeback interview

2023.02.08

HUENINGKAI listened closely to each question with his hands neatly folded as if in prayer. He would always nod along as he listened to them, waiting for the very last word to finish before answering. He knows he must wait so that he can fully absorb everything. HUENINGKAI has always waited like this, and he’s waiting now as well—for the roots to take hold, firmer and deeper.

Did you enjoy the photoshoot?

HUENINGKAI: I like Weverse Magazine because it feels new and fresh every time we shoot. Like last time—we were all connected through hands. I liked how this time it captured Neverland in all its dreaminess.

It’s winter, your favorite season. What have you been doing this winter?

HUENINGKAI: I spent Christmas and New Year’s with my family, which was great. I made mini cakes with my sisters. I ate tteokguk on New Year’s, so I’m a year older now. (laughs) I usually get up around seven or eight and go for a morning jog. I like the morning winter air and I don’t really feel the cold. I’m a morning person, so I usually wash up as soon as I get in and sleep, even if work runs late.

You did a Weverse Live with the other members to mark the holidays. You gave a pet rock as your Secret Santa gift, right?

HUENINGKAI: I chose that because I have a pet rock already and wanted another of the members to raise one with me, and then I got BEOMGYU. My pet rock was originally a gift, too. They’re cuter than you think—you can draw a face on them. I’m still raising it—Lionel Mbappé. It’s doing a shoot for a moment so it’s going to be a star soon. (laughs)

It sounds like you did a lot of small but fun things. (laughs) You must have been really busy getting ready for the year-end awards ceremonies.

HUENINGKAI: There was supposed to be a vacation in between, but we all turned it down and practiced the choreography instead. We really wanted to do a good job, so we tried to bump up how often we practiced. You’re always going to feel nervous when you get on stage if you haven’t practiced enough. It makes you anxious. We decided to practice more because we wanted to feel relaxed when we got up on stage. We put on a high-quality performance so I was satisfied with the result. I think it’s particularly amazing that the dance break we did at MMA [Melon Music Awards] managed to contain our whole storyline in just five minutes.

The beginnings of The Name Chapter were at MMA.HUENINGKAI: I really think this new album is our conceptual peak. It brings up the subject of Neverland, so it makes connections to Peter Pan, too. I feel like Neverland would be like the Nightmare version of the concept photos: It seems like a good place at first, but then you realize there’s something ominous about it. It’s like a video game: I like games, and when I have fun playing and hanging out with other people in the game world, I feel like I want to stay there. But it’s a virtual world and it’s not real. There’s stuff to do in the real world, so I’ll enjoy what I can then come back and focus on my work. I felt really happy while shooting the Nightmare version, actually. I liked lying down on the nice, soft floor with all those cute stuffed animals around me. (laughs) How did you interpret the message behind that concept?HUENINGKAI: It’s about deciding to get out and escape from Neverland even in the face of temptation from the devil. The story about that temptation starts with “Devil by the Window.” It’s like saying, Let’s walk down our own path—I mean, I think that’s how we grow up in the end. Even though you’re an adult on the surface, sometimes you’re still tempted to go back to your childhood. Sometimes when I’m up against a wall I think about how I want to return to a time when I just had fun, went home for food and studied. But I’m the kind of person where, if something bad happens, I might hold a little grudge for the day, but I sleep it off and then I’m perfectly fine. (laughs) The other members say that’s something good about me, which I think is a good personality trait for an idol to have. (laughs) What did you do to try and express being tempted in “Devil by the Window”?HUENINGKAI: I tried to sing it as breathily as possible to give it the feeling of the devil whispering. To compare to another artist: Billie Eilish. I have so much fun dancing to it because the song and dance feel like a perfect fit for the concept. I’m currently trying to make facial expressions I’ve never made before. I’ll try to stare at MOA with a mellow look when we’re on stage. The idea of temptation continues into “Sugar Rush Ride.”HUENINGKAI: It wasn’t easy to capture that at first. It’s also about temptation, but it has a different quality from “Devil by the Window,” so I tried not to be too breathy and sing with a little bit of power behind it. And it’s hard to stay in sync for that dance because it just flows with no real clear points of emphasis. So I have a lot of concerns but I’m going to make it work somehow. I don’t think anything would make me happier than putting on a perfect performance of that song.

Is wanting to grow musically another part of wanting to prove yourselves as a group? You set a goal for yourself again this year to increase how much of the music and lyrics you write.HUENINGKAI: I think I’ll still be wanting to increase my proportion after 10 or 20 years even. I don’t have a lot of time to work on it, obviously, but since we’re the ones singing and dancing, I always figure it would be nice if we could have more of our own words on the albums. You couldn’t achieve all your goals for last year, but you got the most important one done: seeing MOA.HUENINGKAI: The pandemic kept us apart for way too long. We should have been able to come around sooner and I thought it was amazing they somehow managed to hold out for three whole years. I felt really regretful and sorry. It’s really important for us to see MOA and get that energy from them, too. It wasn’t until we saw them that I truly felt like I’m a real singer. You said in another interview with Weverse Magazine back in 2020 that when you finally met them, you wanted to yell out the group greeting at the top of your lungs, dance like never before and sing “Sweat” as the encore.HUENINGKAI: Nailed it! I guess everything worked out, then. For me, the encores were the most memorable part of the concerts. I was running out of energy at that point but that part was so exciting and fun, and we could see MOA right up close and personal. I actually remember being clearly exhausted by the end of the performance at the beginning of the tour, but after doing it awhile, I got used to it. It’s like how cardio is so hard at first but after you build up your strength you can go faster and run more. It’s the same sort of thing on stage. Being that energetic and then doing “Sweat,” which is the real final song, it’s always just touching. MOA always has something prepared, too, so it’s new every time. You sang “Our Summer” as an additional encore in Manila, the last stop on the tour.HUENINGKAI: It was a pity to tour in the summer and not have “Our Summer” on the set list so it was a spontaneous final gift. (laughs) The tour allowed me to experience all kinds of things and improve myself by another step. We’re touring again in the spring. We tried to go back out as soon as possible, just like we promised! We’re going back out so soon because of how much we want to see MOA. There’s an amazing set list waiting, so look out for that. How has your relationship with MOA changed over time?HUENINGKAI: I think we actually became closer during the pandemic. It made us miss each other even more. My self-esteem improved during the tour thanks to MOA and I was so excited and grateful to see them every time. Well, duh! I’m happiest when I’m on stage and dancing for MOA. (laughs)

What else makes you happy these days, whether big or small?HUENINGKAI: Yogurt ice cream? These days it’s when I eat ice cream late at night or something else sweet at night. I’m happiest when I’m having dessert. Forget meals—I’m on Team Dessert. (laughs) That reminds me of when you said, “I live life feeling satisfied every day. Every day’s five out of five, and if I feel a little let down, it’s just a little lower.”HUENINGKAI: When I feel a little down, all I have to do is eat something sweet and I’m back in business! I’m usually okay after sleeping even if I had a rough day, so it’s not hard to have five-point days. Zen—like, no thoughts, head empty, as much as I can, calmly and with positivity. (laughs) Do hoodies, stuffed animals and anime still make you as happy as before?HUENINGKAI: Of course. Those are still my favorite things in life and nothing about that has changed. What’s your secret for holding onto that feeling so long?HUENINGKAI: I think it’s just in my nature. Once I like something, I end up liking it for a long time. My feelings don’t wane that easily. I guess you could say my love toward them is great from the start. Has there ever been a time you ended up liking something later despite your first impressions?HUENINGKAI: As far as music goes, I’d say “Good Boy Gone Bad.” I like every track off our albums but I think having a good lead single every time is our specialty. To be honest, when I first heard “Good Boy Gone Bad,” I felt like something was different suddenly and it wasn’t my style, so I had a hard time accepting it. But after we did it on stage, it felt exciting and I had fun with it. I warmed up to it when I realized people who like it would probably really like it.

When it comes to TOMORROW X TOGETHER, you can transcend your own tastes. Where does your affection towards the group come from?HUENINGKAI: The other members, of course. If we go on stage feeling resolved beforehand, I can really feel the difference in the performance. It makes me feel really enthusiastic when we yell, “Fighting!” together and go out there. They’re passionate and ambitious people and I think doing it with them makes me ready to keep moving forward and take on the challenge. You can’t really climb up higher and higher if you keep running away. I think being an idol means having to put up with things to some degree and I think it’s important for me to be active. When TAEHYUN said, “We chose to do this job, so we have to try and reach the very top no matter what, don’t you think?” I thought, Wow, he’s absolutely right. We have to keep going until the end. You mentioned that TAEHYUN’s had an influence on your MBTI changing from ENFP to ISTP.HUENINGKAI: I hear about what he’s thinking a lot since we’re roommates, so I think I naturally came to understand him. That must be how we both ended up as Ts. (laughs) There’s times when it’s good to look at things rationally and I used to be an F so I think my strong point is that I can understand both sides. It’s pretty amazing how I completely changed from ENFP. I was really emotional even as recently as when I was a trainee. I even cried a lot back then but I’ve become a little more rational since debuting. What caused your personality to change?HUENINGKAI: I think being so busy during my trainee years and after the debut slowly dulled my capacity to express my emotions. I thought about going home in the early days of trainee life because it was so hard sometimes, but after a few years I learned to just accept it. So sometimes I feel bad lately when I’m having a hard time and I say that to the other members. We’re all working together and all have hard times and I don’t want to pass my troubles on to them. When you said that, “as the youngest member, I want to be a reassuring presence” for the others, was that born out of the same feeling?HUENINGKAI: I wasn’t grown up yet when I was a trainee and I was so childish (laughs) so I don’t think I really earned much trust from the other members. Even after we debuted, I still thought about how I wanted to gain their trust. But now that we’ve been living under the same roof together, we’re just like family. I’ve been waking up to YEONJUN’s face right in front of mine ever since we were trainees. (laughs) Now, even if one of us feels like giving up, the other four can keep things moving along and help each other out. You always emphasize how important it is that you achieve things together.HUENINGKAI: We’re a team and it’s important that we’re all doing a good job together. That’s how we show the real TOMORROW X TOGETHER. If even one of us isn’t giving it their all, it isn’t TOMORROW X TOGETHER, I don’t think. I also picture us in the future together, reaching the top the way the BTS members have. And I hope our members will be happy after that. Honestly, I think their happiness is top priority. I just want them to be happy because I know how hard they work.

On Weverse Live, TAEHYUN said, “Do you want to plant a tree in the spring?” You replied, “I think I’ll be a little sad whenever the tree grows. If 20 years passes and I see the tree grew, I think I’d feel so proud. Proud, yet sentimental.” What made you feel that way?

HUENINGKAI: I think because I would feel time passing by. I feel like I’m still a fairly new artist, and if I saw that tree growing, I’d think, Wow, it’s already been that long. Time really flies.

You said you were sad when Ash became the Pokémon champion, too.

HUENINGKAI: I was already showing my true colors when I was little (laughs) and I liked the anime ever since I was a kid so it made me sad to hear someone I spent so much time with would be retiring. I looked it up and Ash and Conan are the two longest-running main characters. While the main character kept changing in other shows, Pokémon’s always been Ash. In the context of the story, the fate of everyone who becomes champion is they end up retiring somehow. I already knew it was going to end that way, but it’s still really sad. It’s just like it would feel looking at a tree if we planted it—sentimental and moving.

At least Ash must be happy. (laughs)

HUENINGKAI: Because he became the very best. Now we can reach the top, just like Ash did.

[eegasleega-will-change-this-l8r]

If it’s alright with you! I’d like to hear about your take on Paula and her parents

oooo a request!!! :D instantly made my day, tysm!!!!

Okay so I don't really obsess over Paula's family in the same way that I do Ninten's or Porky's, but I still have a ton of thoughts about them!!

Just a warning though, like all my stuff it's very particular to my own tastes and headcanons, so it might be different from how you or other people see them ^^ (Also, I don't really have any good Paula pictures ready so it's not gonna be as illustrated as some of my other posts)

Buuuut when I got this ask I knew I had to draw Paula's dad because I envision his design super clearly and I love him a lot so!

Tall, handsome, athletic, but he's actually pretty awkward around most people, he's happiest when he's spending time with his family and being a great father He stays at home while his wife runs the daycare center, loves to bake and take his family on trips (beaches, playing sports, the zoo, everything), always anxious when he's left on his own and usually starts compulsively baking new treats to give his family the moment they come back home His whole life basically revolves around his wife and daughter, he's hit super hard when Paula disappears (and having to let her go on a dangerous journey afterwards is just as hard) He's super sweet, I love him a lot X3

Her mom is very kind and a little spacey, she's the more responsible one in the marriage so she handles all the money and social affairs that her husband can't handle. Paula's powers and their overall idyllic life have sort of given her this view that everything is eternally good and all problems will work themselves out. Which on the one hand, go optimism and everything does work out (except for Porky :c ) buuut it's not a great mindset when your daughter suddenly disappears and is gonna be sacrificed by a brainwashed cult. She's not a bad parent though, it's more like a different manifestation of her husband's whole attitude. Paula is both's entire world, so her dad is terrified of potentially losing her, while her mom is just incapable of comprehending the idea that something could ever happen to her. This isn't a suuuuper healthy family dynamic? But I haven't really dissected the issues or thought much about how they could overcome them, and I definitely don't wanna, like, picture it falling apart or anything. To me they're just flawed, but overall they're gonna stay a happy, loving family for the rest of their lives.

Nowwww Paula!! The character I assume you wanna hear about the most ;) Sooo first off. She's trans. Aaand it's a pretty big part of how I imagine her and her powers! Her mother and father come home from the hospital, overcome with the happiness of their new baby ""boy,"" but. When they start talking about how much they love their boy and how he's gonna grow up into such a nice suchnsuch, they suddenly hear this voice in their heads. Someone just calling out "No!! I'm not a boy!" Which, you know, it'd be easy to brush off as just a random stray thought, but it really feels like it's coming from somewhere. And the voice repeats itself. And when one of them goes "Did you hear something?" They realize that it's in both their heads. Is someone trying to communicate with them? To their absolute shock, it's none other than their new baby. There's no mistaking it. The way it looks at them makes it clear, and the voice confirms it. Their baby can... speak. Kinda. It can send messages to people's minds (if this is too weird for you, remember that there was already another telepathic baby in MOTHER 1) Once they're able to wrap their heads around this, they start asking questions and hearing the baby's answers in their heads. And the baby insists that she's a girl, no matter what the doctors said. This is no easier to take in, but once you accept that your baby is pyschic, it's really not that big of a step to take. Paula's dad immediately starts bawling and apologizing for getting it wrong and buying all the wrong kinds of presents, and they both swear to support her. They get to talk about what names she'd like instead of the one they gave her (she ends up liking "Paula"), what colour to paint her room, pretty much everything. Turns out, it's very helpful to be able to directly ask a baby what they want.

So, this was the very first sign that Paula was incredibly special, and the first time she ever used her abilities. Her PSI gave her a super clear idea of who she was, and with the ability to simply call out for help with her mind, she could instantly get the help and support she needed. As she got older, she became a very confident and bold girl, and her powers could help her with pretty much any problem she faced. Everything about her was miraculous, and her parents were ecstatic about how everything turned out for their beloved daughter. She became pretty popular and her abilities were a local wonder in Twoson, which she was always happy to show off (she won her Franklin Badge as a prize in a local science fair where she used them for a project about the different elements).

So Paula's a very outgoing, adventurous kid, almost sort of cocky. She's a lot closer to Ninten than she is to Ana, and Ness is actually sort of the Lloyd in their dynamic. They're both the ultimate best friends literally bound by fate, they both love the others' energy, and they bounce off each other really well. So I know the intention is that they're supposed to be, like, classic boy-meets-girl fall in love trope, and they get called boyfriend and girlfriend by a bunch of characters in the game. But. The game makes the crucial mistake. Of never having them call themselves that. To me, they're "just" friends, but don't take that to mean that their relationship is lesser to a romantic one. (Anyway Paula's probably gay, Ness is aro/ace, they aren't remotely interested in each other in that way)

Her relying on her powers all her life is what ends up getting her into trouble. When this strange kid shows up acting all sweet and awkward, she completely falls for his trap and ends up captured. The combination of being physically exhausted, the superior powers of the Mani Mani statue, and whatever tech Giygas might have to suppress PSI renders her completely powerless, and she can't break free on her own (her whole "If you didn't show up, I would've had to bust out of here" thing is just bravado. You can picture her with a smirk as she shows off her incredibly unimpressive muscles). She's not super worried, partially because she doesn't know they plan to murder her, but also because she's called for help and knows her predestined bestie is on his way.

By the end, she manages to beat Giygas (the most nervewracking and terrifying experience of her life), reunites with her family, and enjoy her great new friendship with Ness and their other two companions. She doesn't hold grudges against the people being controlled by Giygas - even Porky, though she doesn't think much of him - and overall has a happy and full life.

So, there's Paula and her family! I hope this was fun to read, I feel like it's pretty messy haha. How Earthbound is structured just makes it harder for me to have clear, well-developed ideas. Like, the story's not as fleshed out and concrete as M3, but it's a lot longer and covers a lot more than M1, so it's in sort of an awkward place to develop my own ideas for.

[proxythe]

Hello dear mutual

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I ADORE YOUR ART!!! Call me your biggest fan if u dont have one already /hj

Always wanted to interact w you more but!!! Interactions are scary!!! So I'm sticking w liking your art and rb.......

but honestly, you really inspired me, because im a transmasc and well, god gave me two big naturals and honestly, I don't want to chop them off!! so seeing your aki really help me feel way better :')

AGHH I WANTED TO TELL U THAT YEAH HAVE A GOOD DAY

and one last thing.... im really curious abt your hcs on akishinji or akihiko in general... so if you want to spare some..... no pressure though.... okay bye...

hiii ooomf 🙋

thank you sooo much for saying this 😭😭 no one has ever told me theyre my biggest fan before… im really flattered thank you so much!!

i also overthink interactions real bad but if you ever want to message me or anything, you can !! i would seriously love to talk to you !!!

and im also transmasc w a large god given chest and i think ive said probably both these things before but that is also why i like to draw and represent that!!! ill never get tired of showing these bodies thru my art 🫰it makes me really really appreciative and happy when people tell me this .. i am Certain ive said this before… but i never get tired of letting anyone who tells me that i am really grateful to be told that my art helps in any way.. it makes me really happy i could cry

finally…. for my hcs… lemme separate them so the post doesn’t look so cluttered

me hiding an underwhelming amount of hcs under this cut im so sorry oomf im really bad with headcanons for some reason but let me try to think if i have any lmfao

- i think them (literally) sleeping together is a big hc for them in general but that’s probably my favorite akishinji hc of All Time … it can do no wrong… its perfect…

- (more likely fits post canon/shinji living route) shinji being clingy asf is also one of my faves idk i think there’s just something in seeing him happy and shameless for once in his shit life 😭 getting hugs and physical contact he used to not think he deserves … i eat it up …

- aki being a cat person i think is a hc … it mostly came to me from pq when hes being so dramatic about koromaru licking him … he loves koro yes but i believe he is a cat person at heart … shinji is generally an animal lover but he’s also just a dog person

- p4au debunks this with that god awful design but i’ve always believed it: aki’s wardrobe is immaculate. guy is always dressed in some nice ass clothes and perfect style. ignoring p4au i also think aki would dress nice even in timeskip

- this is also popular methinks but them taking in ken and koromaru time skip is another that i basically just treat like its canon lmfaoo this one also is just perfect… does no wrong… amazing …

erm i think that’s all i can think of rn bc for some reason when someone asks me to specifically name hcs i kinda sorta forget every single one that’s ever entered my mind whether ive drawn it or even spoken it aloud … am i stupid ?

[cassifictional]

I was gonna just drop a new fic like WHADDUP BITCHES IM BACK but I'm just now seeing that people have been leaving messages on anon asking where I've been and I just-

(I just wrote a really long heartfelt paragraph and tumblr just deleted it all. PAIN.)

Thank you to the people who have been leaving messages, it's really nice to know strangers on the internet can and will care about you. <3

so let me elaborate..

So about where I've been. First of all: I'm fine, I'm totally fine. My reasons for leaving have been positive ones. One of the reasons for my absence has been my job. It was a really fun, fulfilling job which took a lot of time and effort, but that left me with less energy to write. Currently I'm taking a bit of a forced break from that job. Luckily I'm in a safe and stable situation, so I'm making the best of my break by catching up on life stuff. That includes revisiting my writting hobby, so hi!

The other reason for my absence has been that I got into my first ever serious relationship. So far it's been amazing, experiencing romantic love has been a long time dream of mine. My S/O makes me so happy and I feel like such a lucky gal every second I spend with them. <3

The downside (mostly for you guys) is that my new relationship has drastically reduced my interest in writing. Drawing, writing and fantazising have been some of my biggest coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. Now that I finally feel fulfilled in the romantic/sexual love department, I no longer feel such a strong urge to create and consume content regarding it. Which I, to be perfectly honest, kind of expected.

Does that mean that I've stopped writing? Or that I'll permanently leave the community? No, probably not, because I get overly attached to my hobbies and find it extremely hard to let go of these things. But I've already taken a big step back and I don't see things going back to the way they used to be for me on this platform. At least not until season 2 of Arcane comes out.

TLDR: got a job (but currently taking a break), got a S/O, lost energy and interest in consuming and creating fanfic type content. I am fine. I am not gonna stop writing permanently. I am gonna continue to be less active for above reasons.

I am gonna write a new short fic and finish writing Guarded. That is something I really wanna do, regardless of above reasons.

Thanks for reading all this, if you have. Love, Cat 💜

[himemeiya]

Stumbled upon your blog yesterday and realised you were the one behind the Utena Bet On it AMV, plus all the other videos on that channel! I had a friend who had already watched RGU reccomend the show to me and when I finished the finale she sent me a bunch of videos, essays, meta, memes she really liked about Utena. Out of the videos your vine videos, your bet on it amv and your tiktok sounds utena videos all featured as Things U Gotta Watch. Top Tier. And they are! I cannot stress how good they are. I've got a friend I'm trying to get to watch utena and I'm already prepared to send your whole channel her way.

Like, your Bet On It amv is just crazy - to the point I associate the whole song with utena instead of high school musical. High School Musical Who? I have driven home from work with the song blasting and in my head I'm thinking of the corrosponding imagery in my head. listened to the song a LOT just thinking of the amv. 'blame the world but never blame you' and it focusing on anthy. the start 'everybodys tryna get in my head' with everyone who manipluates utena? the bridge speeding up through all their utena/anthys relationship until utena gets up again at the climax of the song? This video is a masterpiece.

The vines and the tiktok sounds are soooo spot on and hilarious. every onee. and seeing an upbeat version of 'empty chairs at empty tables' to the end of utena emotionally altered something in me oh my lordie. I got introduced to the song The Draw from your other amv, which is SO PERFECT for the black rose arc?

And as a Lizzy McApline fan the ceilings youtube short took me OUT! the way the details about the car, the lines about 'you dont exist' being applied to utena's prince/akio, 'story ive seen before' being the prince/princess/witch ohturi mythology and ending with anthy at the end....... !!!!

All this to say I love all your utena edits on youtube and will be watching them many times over, as well as showing them to other people. Great work. ╰⁠(⁠*⁠´⁠︶⁠`⁠*⁠)⁠╯

🥺 This message is so damn nice and I have reread it multiple times cause oh my god your appreciation of my videos just makes me so happy and I'm so glad you watched and enjoyed them!! 😭 The support I've gotten from the fandom is very heartwarming, I just love it!!!

Yes hehe I'm the one behind all those videos! The Bet On It video specifically was one that lived in my head for YEARS until I finally sat down and decided to make it everyone else's problem too 😂 I would just listen to the song on repeat while geting overly emotional imagining Utena's journey and the fact I was tearing up to a Troy mf Bolton song was so unhinged 💀 yet now look at me, I have spread my vision like a plague amongst the fandom and everyone else gets to be just as unhinged over the golf course disney movie meme song as I am ⛳️ I would have it no other way. My favorite comments on that video are the ones along the lines of "I clicked this thinking it was gonna be funny but now I'm crying" cause if that doesn't just sum up the experience of Revolutionary Girl Utena itself then idk what does 😂

RGU's tonal conflict is one of my favorite things so choosing goofy audios for the end of the show was such a treat lmfao. And ugh The Draw is just such a good and ominous song. I rlly love how the Black Rose arc is all about radicalizing character's emotions to the point where they'll do anything to get what they think will fix their lives. Reverse therapy with Mikage is a hell of a drug. 🦋☞

I rlly feel like Ceilings captures that self-sacrificial "first love" feeling so many girls go through (especially with men) where they're uncomfortable and can't be open but ignore all those red flags until it gets to a point where things crumble and they realize the relationship never existed how they were imagining it. GAH THE FEELINGSSSS.

Sheesh thank you so much again for this message, it really brightened my week and was so touching to read. 😭💜 If I may humbly offer some video suggestions (if you haven't already watched them) I really love the For Your Love amv by Mari F and the Utena in 7 Minutes amv by Akilice. The first rlly captures that melancholic yet hopeful tone of Utena & Anthy and the latter has the audacity to make me emotional over a goddamn acapella Hamilton mashup of all things 💀 (the It's Quiet Uptown part literally destroys me every time.....). Digi Story has an Utena Deep Dive Analysis that I really enjoy, he talks about how RGU is "prismatic" in it's storytelling where there's no singular interpretation because there's just so much to look at and analyze. And finally, the Therefore You and Me animatic by edsartfactory literally changed my life it's ridiculously good!!

AHH thanks once again and I hope you have a great weekend!! 💞

[daz4i]

ok now i'm gonna be emotional under the cut probably (mentions of suicide but it's not negative. just verbalizing thoughts i had throughout today 🤔)

so many ppl sent me messages today, many in my family sent me direct ones which is rare too - most of them just send it in the groupchats - so they put in the extra effort to make it more personal and less like they're just going with everyone else

and like right on midnight i immediately got beautiful messages from 3 of my besties, and ofc lots of birthdays wishes from mutuals and friends on a discord sever, so many people putting in effort and so fast too. my niece and nephew made drawings especially for me and my niece insisted on cutting paper in half so she could draw even more things and they made me a goodie bag with little gifts and such too. like even the kids put in a lot of effort

but what really gets me is multiple people telling me they're glad i'm alive and they hope to celebrate more birthdays with me, and people in my family wishing for me to have a better future specifically, and people saying they love me and-

it feels very surreal. dgmw i am very touched. as a person who, well, is not the biggest fan of life, and very much did not plan to get to the age of 25, it feels. weird.

birthdays are always a hard time because of that ajdkflglh ever since i was a teen really, i always become even more suicidal on the days leading up to it, like some sense of "i won't reach [age]. i can't. i shouldn't" and as you can tell it did not go further than that lol. i think i end up crying or having a major breakdown p much on every birthday, up until maybe the last 2 (as in, 24 and 25) bc it always feels like i lost, failed in achieving my ultimate goal

and. i guess. seeing this much love, that i didn't expect but i know is there even when it's not verbally expressed. makes it feel less like losing? i can't name what it does feel like - i'm not well versed in positive emotions lol - but it's not negative that's for sure. except maybe it starts being distressing bc i don't understand it :P but that's a me issue hehe.

and. i don't want to live for other people. i have gone past the point of "mom would be sad" years ago. which i think is why it feels so weird. bc it does feel nice, to know people are happy that i'm alive, and that they genuinely want me to be happy, even when i don't

even when I'm thinking "god i'm already this old and haven't achieved anything in my entire life". these people don't care about that. that's why they wish for a better future. what i achieved, to them, is being a kind person i think

idk how to finish this ajdkflg like i said i'm just putting thoughts in words. and crying bc now my bday is over so i can do it without feeling like i failed at some unspoken goal. i always say i'm not good at love, and that goes for being loved too, i feel like a deer in the headlights lol 😭 but it's okay. idk if i'll ever get used to it or learn how to actually accept it rather than just pretend i do, but maybe i don't need to know?

[patheticlittlemen]

ALL ABOUT ME

[Kurt Kunkle x Female Reader]

Chapter 7- Somewhere in There Is a Lesson

Words: 1114

Warnings: None

A/N: apologies for my absence, i'm gonna post as I finish chapters to make up for the time I was gone

It had been a few days since you moved in with Nellie and you’re ready to finalize things with Rick. After a few minutes of trying to build up courage to start the conversation, you send him a text.

Y/N: Can I call you?

Rick: ofc

Before you can even think of hitting the call button, you phone lights up with a call from him. You really don’t want to answer but need this to be over for good.

“Hey.” You answer curtly.

“What’s up?” Just the sound of Rick’s voice makes you tear up.

“Just wanted to make sure everything is good with the apartment. I paid my rent for this month already and ended my lease. The key should have been on the counter.”

“Oh…” Rick doesn’t speak for a moment. “You’re really done, huh?”

“Yeah.” You try to fight back the tears threatening to spill.

“I mean I was just hoping we could talk, I can fix this-”

“No, Rick. I’m breaking up with you for good.”

“Y/N….”

“I hope you treat your next girlfriend better.” Before letting him respond, you hang up and set your phone down.

You’re unaware of the tears streaming down your face until you feel them fall onto your hands. The chapter that was your last three years with Rick is over. Of course you’re exhausted from the emotions and the change but a part of you is happy. No more pretending that Rick is a good boyfriend, no more putting up with mediocrity. You’re ready for whatever is coming next, but just let yourself cry in the moment.

After a little while, your phone buzzes and you wipe the tears off your face as you see a message from Kurt.

Kurt: Just posted our video!

Deciding to try and get your interaction with Rick out of your mind, you go on youtube and click on the notification that includes Kurt’s video.

The day at the park replays in your mind as you watch it from Kurt’s point of view. There’s nothing shown that was different from the day except when Kurt came back from getting water.

The clip starts with Kurt talking about his music, just mentioning that he’s been working hard in the studio with his dad and should have a new song out soon. At some point Kurt looks over to you and glances back to the camera, smiling then turning the camera around to face you.

You’re engrossed in your drawing, focused only on getting the lines right. The camera just sits on you for a few seconds until you look up and Kurt asks you to show the camera what you’re drawing. The video continues on, showing the day you remember but your mind is stuck on the part that you weren’t aware of. You go back in the video, replaying the section where Kurt talks about music then turns the camera to you.

In that moment you see a glimpse of yourself in other people’s eyes. Your hair falling in front of your face as you look down, the way you chew on your bottom lip and furrow your brows. You never really realized how…pretty you are. You’re the artist in that moment but you could be mistaken for the art.

Is this what everyone sees?

…is this what Kurt sees?

You’ve always thought you’re pretty but never thought anybody else could think so. Men barely ever approached you, and you always believed your friends when they said you are attractive, but thought that was just them being nice. Replaying the clip again, you stare at yourself for a second. The focus shown in your face is intense, but when you look up at Kurt, your eyebrows raise a bit and the concentration fades from your eyes.

While continuously skipping back to see yourself, you accidentally skip a little too far back to the part where Kurt is talking about his music. It’s nothing special, just showing Kurt as you know him. But the second where he pauses to look at you then glances back to the camera makes your heart skip. It seems like he looked over to see if you were listening, but as he’s looking a smile starts spreading on his face and you think you see a little flush in his cheeks. 

You know you feel strongly towards Kurt, you had just been trying to push away the feelings out of respect for Rick. Now that you are actually able to acknowledge your little crush, you realize just how much you really like Kurt. You’ve only known him for about 7 days, so any intention to act upon it was far from your mind but the feelings are very much so there.

Nellie knocks on your door, startling you a bit. You turn around, feeling like a kid that had been caught doing something they shouldn’t have been.

“What’s that face?” Nellie jokes, walking in to sit next to you on the bed.

“What face?”

“You know. Whatever, what are you watching?” She asks.

“Oh, Kurt uploaded a video.” You re-start the video and hand your phone to Nellie, who gladly takes it. You sit quietly as she watches, feeling happy when she laughs at the jokes you make. The video ends and Nellie hands back your phone.

“So this is the guy that was here the other day?” Nellie asks and you nod. “Tell me about him.”

“I mean…I don’t even know where to start.”

“How did you meet?” Nellie turns to you as you start detailing the night you met all the way up to the day you moved in.

“Huh. And how do you feel about him?”

“Well…” you pause, trying to think of words to explain it. “I don’t really know, Nel.”

“Because he sure as hell feels things about you.” 

“How can you be so sure?”

“He stopped by the other day to check on you. It was the morning after we were up until like 5 am and I didn’t want to bother you. I forgot to tell you about it after, but he really seemed worried.”

“He could have just texted me.” You say, surprised. “Besides, maybe he’s just being nice.”

“If you say so.” Nellie shrugs and smirks at you, standing up and walking out of the room before you can even argue.

You flop back onto the bed, frustrated by your own feelings and the fact that you don’t know if Kurt feels the same. No matter how much Nellie argues, you know you won’t believe her. Like always, you’ll settle upon not acting on your thoughts and hope that Kurt will make a move.

[art]

I posted 446 times in 2022

That's 163 more posts than 2021!

155 posts created (35%)

291 posts reblogged (65%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@artistalley

@vanessagillings

@artistpicks

@emilylorange

@enthusiastic-nimrod

I tagged 445 of my posts in 2022

#artists on tumblr - 298 posts

#art - 121 posts

#halloween - 74 posts

#illustration - 64 posts

#build a beast - 64 posts

#submission - 53 posts

#meet the artist - 48 posts

#meet the artist on tumblr - 48 posts

#painting - 44 posts

#digital - 41 posts

Longest Tag: 39 characters

#[redacted] is just homestuck circa 2016

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Meet the Artist: Kiki

Hi, I’m Kiki! I’m 24, live in the US, and have been using a tablet for about 7 years now. Since I’m self-taught, I’m always trying to learn new things to continue developing my style. My biggest inspirations are nature and animals. They’re all shaped so differently, and I love exaggerating their forms! I also am into video game design and character concept art. If you’re interested in commissioning me for anything, please feel free to message me!

So lovely to meet you, Kiki! We asked her to pick out a couple of artworks to share with you all here.

See the full post

5,420 notes - Posted April 12, 2022

#4

Week 1: Build Your Beast

Salutations, stooges. It is time to build your beast. Will it be feathered? Furry? Flame-scaled? Will you be re-purposing an OC you already have or creating a completely new character? Will your beast be big and brash or soft-spoken and nimble-footed? Here’s your template. Download it, draw or describe (or crochet or paint or mold or embroider or immortalize in shanty form) your character. In short, unleash your wildest whims upon it. We look forward to meeting your horrid creation.

Upload your completed template using the tag #build a beast to share your grizzly creation with the world (a reminder to use your reblog controls if you’d like your beast to remain hidden in the wilds).

Loathsomely yours, us.

5,544 notes - Posted October 3, 2022

#3

Meet the Artist: @velinxi

Hello! I’m Xiao Tong Kong, better known as “Velinxi.” I’m the creator of the webcomic Countdown to Countdown and have been doing freelance artwork since I was a teenager. I love telling stories with my illustrations! Tumblr was where I first got my start as an artist, specifically a small fandom artist as a hobby… and now I’m somehow here! When I’m not trying my best to stay awake in front of my tablets, I’m usually cooking, gaming, or sleeping. Sometimes all three, in my dreams.

Pleased to meet you, Velinxi! We’ve asked her to share some of her artwork for you to appreciate below.

See the full post

5,787 notes - Posted October 11, 2022

#2

Meet the Artist: @simzart​

Hello, I’m SimzArt, an artist from Italy. I like to work on personal projects and currently I’m developing a new comic based on modern witches (hopefully it’s going to be readable soon). I also stream and make videos about art and art products. I’m really happy with my job. My dream is to keep growing and learning new things and get in touch with as many people as possible and hopefully inspire them with my creations. I love art, and I’m happy to meet you all!

Very nice to meet you, SimzArt! We’ve asked him to share some of his work for us to highlight here.

See the full post

7,743 notes - Posted March 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Meet the Artist: @peevishpants​

Hallo! Weiwei here. I’m currently a full-time illustrator in tech by day and a part-time drawer for publishing and animation by night. You may remember me from such posts as my Zelda university AU, outfitober designs, the occasional comic about fish or Chinese diaspora identity, and [redacted]. Thank you for the love, and thank you Tumblr for giving my blog back and asking me to do a meet the #artist! Consider my socks rocked!

Great to meet you, Weiwei! Here are some illustrations that she has handpicked for us to feature here.

See the full post

9,110 notes - Posted May 17, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[sprite-periodt]

Ok so originally the plan was to post this right on the first of the month but I got all shy and scared and second guessing y'know the whole works bUT powering though it because I just wanna shout from the rooftops about these wonderful people! So without further a do🤙🏾:

My favorite peeps in the community that I really would like to meet in real life a thread:

@squeaky-n-blushy Firstly because she's such a sweetheart and we clicked really fast(I promise I didn't forget about you girl) and I feel bad for not talking to her in a long ass while because after we were talking regularly there was a very long period of time when I was not active on Tumblr at all. When I did come back I was literally SO scared to talk to her again because it's been so long. ✨Anxiety tings~✨ but this is my way of asking can we please talk regularly again 👉🏾👈🏾. I genuially liked talking to you and you're so sweet and wholesome and I feel really bad because I literally suck at communication😭

@lull-falesia . Bro they're so nice(and mean😝) but I love it so it's ok. AND they're funny as hell like bro calm down. We have similar interests and I would love to take them up on that sleep over of just binging all Marvel movies that they haven't seen. Not to mention I'd get hugs and we'd probably find out just how t-wordish I am but it's great because I can give them head pats and give them the t-words they've been lacking as well to return the favor.😼 I genuially love talking to them and talking with them makes my day better!

@ficsandgiggles We haven't talked too much until she sent me a Christmas card(which was so sweet bruh😭) but I do want to talk more! She's very sweet and talented and I love her fics very much. They've gotten me through some tough and lonley times and I very much appreciate it. I will support her all the way and keep giving her prompts if she so wishes!

@fauxxyboi Another sweetheart! Such a sweet boy!! And adorable too ofc. Always checking up on me and such and I really appreciate it! He is an artist just like me and that's a plus! We could have like a drawing sesh together and just talk and vibe :3. And I'm always happy and excited to receive a message from him.

And last but certainly not least @pegasusflight77 . We haven't talked for too long just yet but I already enjoy our convos so much!! She literally feels like my big sis. (If it's ok to say so hehe) And I know if we did meet I'd get the best hugs and maybe some t-words?🙊She is so sweet and talented just like her bestie @ficsandgiggles and I'm really glad they have each other!! Y'all so cute uwu. And I'm thrilled that you guys have a blog together writing the most amazing fics that have also gotten me through some tough times and will keep giving you guys prompts if they so wish as well!

[snowmaniaph]

Snow Man this New Year 2019 -> 2021 playback (part 2/3)

Round-table discussion 2020 highlights!

Snow Man causes excitement on the pages of the TV Guide every year-end and New Year holidays (December 29 - January 3). A playback of the members waiting for their debut in the January ’19 issue to their friendly photos and talk in the ’21 New Year issue! Don’t miss their round-table discussion with reprinted photos too~!

’20 January issue

Sticking closely to each other while in warm knits <3. Having zero distance suits Snow Man members who are close friends. During the shoot, they formed a circle and sang while spinning.

’20 January issue: Zero distance between Snow Man members <3 Meguro’s anger because of Mukai’s attitude towards Abe!?

Fukazawa: We’ve been close before but it feels like we got even closer.

Sakuma: There are people who behave strangely.

Fukazawa: Aah, people who really like sticking close, right?

Iwamoto: For example?

Sakuma: Mukai Koji and Mukai and Koji.

Mukai: The 3 people are all me!?

Fukazawa: Hey, why are you always getting that close?

Mukai: But lately it seems like Shoppi doesn’t say no to my skinship anymore.

Raul: Aah, that may be right. The other day, Koji really grabbed Shoppi’s chest from behind.

Mukai: But I was only massaging his shoulders?

Raul: Normally Shoppi would really hate it and say “Oi!”, but Shoppi smiled.

Fukazawa: Watanabe-san, is it alright to say that you got used to it?

Watanabe: No, well... it isn’t that bad.

Fukazawa: Hahahaha!

Meguro: So it’s a new feeling (laughs)?

Sakuma: Koji, you can touch Shoppi as much as you want from now on!

Raul: Koji looks happy!

Mukai: (radiant and contented smile)

Iwamoto: Look, Abe’s making a really displeased face (laughs).

Fukazawa: Koji, you don’t usually cling to Abe-chan, right?

Meguro: It really looks like that’s true.

Mukai: I’m clingy to Abe-chan when it’s just the two of us. Right, Abe-chan?

Abe: ... (smiling sweetly)

Mukai: You don’t hate it don’t you? You even bought a canned coffee for me today! Isn’t that amazing?

Iwamoto: I don’t really know, but it seems like there is a wall between them that’s not the acrylic board (laughs).

Raul: Didn’t Koji say something like “I wouldn’t date Abe-chan if I was a girl”?

Mukai: Aah~ I did say something like that.

Watanabe: That’s cruel!

Abe: I was dumped so casually (laughs).

Meguro: (in a loud voice) Abe-chan’s the one who wouldn’t date someone like you!

Mukai: Oi, why are you suddenly shouting!?

Raul: Kyahahaha!

Watanabe: “Someone like you”!

Raul: Because of you!

Mukai: Abe-chan, help me!

Abe: No, I’m sorry. It’s already out of my hands (laughs).

Miyadate: (in a nice voice) “Snow Man” is the same as our last name!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

’20 New Year issue

Painter Snow Man draws the cow, the zodiac of the year, in ‘21. Miyadate looked very satisfied and said, “The result is at the level where it could be exhibited in France.”

’20 New Year issue: Healed by Iwamoto smiling sweetly when Date-sama complimented the choreography

Mukai: Who was the coolest person this 2020? Point your finger to that person in 1-2-3.

Watanabe: I pointed at Meme because he seemed very busy.

Abe: Right? He even had a drama shooting after our live stream.

Raul: What’s amazing is that he hasn’t changed despite all that.

Watanabe: Yeah. You see that he’s tired but he doesn’t let his tiredness show through his words. Not only that, but he seems sexy when he’s tired.

Meguro: Thank you very much (embarrassed).

Fukazawa: Did Hikaru choose Shota?

Iwamoto: He accomplished being the first to get a certain magazine to have a reprint before it even went on sale. We said that we want to continue aiming to get “firsts” even as a group, and Shota’s “first” made all of us happy as if it was our own accomplishment.

Watanabe: Of course, this makes me happy...!

Meguro: I also chose Shoppi-. He sent me a message when I was in a drama shoot and kindly said “I also felt like this when I was the one shooting for a drama. I do think it’s hard but do your best.”!

Raul: How kind!

Meguro: Those words came out because he experienced it himself, that’s why it really made a deep impression on me.

Watanabe: Haa~ (deep sigh).

Mukai: Shoppi’s too happy that he’s about to disappear (laughs).

Fukazawa: Raul pointed at me, right!?

Mukai: I really want to ask about that.

Watanabe: Yeah, seeing that made me raise my eyebrows! Are you okay?

Raul: No, I made a mistake. I’m sorry...

Fukazawa: Wait, wait. Eh? What did you think it was that you pointed at me?

Raul: I panicked...

Fukazawa: And your real choice is?

Raul: Shoppi...

Sakuma: That’s unfortunate, Fukka!

Fukazawa: Kuu-!

Mukai: But look there’s a part in everyone’s heart that does think Fukka-san is cool, you know?

Fukazawa: Right!? That’s true, right?

Miyadate: Is it alright to say my choice?

Mukai: Ah, go ahead Date-san (laughs).

Miyadate: I chose Hikaru because he kindly made choreographies and smartly put things in order for us throughout this past year. Saying “for us” makes it seem like I’m in a higher position though.

Abe: That’s right. All the songs he choreographed also became popular.

Iwamoto: Thank you (smiling sweetly).

Miyadate: (seeing that and smiling sweetly too).

Source: TV Guide

[metukika]

ok you needing a second to understand that tumbel in tumblr saved me from my embarrassment for having misread your message xD hell yeah haha

maybe you could write us a lil post about your favorite character & why they are that :D (soz for not doin it myself i‘m not feeling like putting anything out there today)

and don‘t decide that you won‘t ever contribute to a bigger project that touches people yet !!!!!! YOU‘RE SO YOUNG you‘ve got the whole world waiting for you and you‘re ALREADY so good at art though. your art is already touching people, no reason why that shouldn‘t work if you should ever work with others on a bigger project!!! GET OUT THEREEE i mean also take your time but IF YOU WANT THAT ABSOLUTELY SHOOT YOUR SHOT KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR OPPORTUNITIES i‘d personally love to see your work in something bigger :D nothing‘s set in stone <3 <3 <3 !!!

aww thank you so much anon! idk who you are but youre so kind to me... thats so nice!

about the whole future thing... i know i have a lot of time but i think because of some stuff coming up soon (when i leave school) im stressed about the future and my decisions in it entirely. idk what im gonna do if i need to go to the military lol like what job to take... i havent started driving and i dont understand shit about all the other stuff thats attached with going to the military im just stressed in general. i dont wanna end up staying in my parents house forever ig.

but i have a lot of time and i know that even if my connection with my friends fade away when they get recruited (which is... also something that could happen... oh god i dunno how to make irl friends) i still have my family, and probably the online world too. if i open commissions im pretty sure id get some work, but i dont think i could do that too much cuz i hate drawing things i dont wanna draw.

but, again, who knows what will happen. ill be fine haha, especially if there are people like you who care enough to write messages like these. most of my online friends are from twt so its always nice to see a tumblr fan <3 thank you anon.

(im realizing how depressed this is all making me sound like i promise its just my school hammering in the importance of the military signs up like i dont even know what part of the mess ill be in most of the time theyre teaching shit that doesnt concern me. im okay, im not dying!!)

now to actually talk about my favorite character! woohoo! happy topic change!

for the two people who read this and the one thats actually gonna read till the end, im putting a cut so this isnt annoying on ur dash (note to anon: this post is so so fucking long i know u prob asked me my fav character to cheer me up but dont force urself to read this whole thing just to be polite lmaooo but id appreciate it if anyone did cuz holy shit)

something that ive realized a while back is that usually when it comes to favorite characters of media, i have a type.

when i made this the character i had in mind where souda (danganronpa), aiura (saiki k) and teru (mp100).

after making the tweet i also thought of denji (csm) who fits right in, and also bakugou (mha) who doesnt, but he looks like half of the characters i did mention lol.

i think the whole social but nice thing came to because of all those shows and stories where the popular kid in school is the mean bully.. maybe i dislike this trope cuz i havent personally experienced any kind of bullying in my school, even as an observer so i cant relate to the experience of having this type of antagonist. the worst it ever got for me was when in fifth grade a girl made fun of me for crying and no one laughed. (shes still in my class over six years later and shes really nice not ufhduh were not friends but were friendly and i dont hold a grudge). maybe its just cuz im wholesome so i dislike any type of negative character. maybe.

that might sound stupid cuz i said i like bakugou, who i used to think of constantly, like for the entirety of 2021 he was in my mind it was annoying. but idk man not all my favs fit into this category ((shinguuji, saihara, yuuko, tweek (who also looks like them! what the fuck!) yuudai from sakana (why are they all blond?!? and men. more female characters what the fuck) barf bag (yes im an object show fan good morning)))

anyways. i like the popular but nice trope is what im saying. why are they all simps? i dont know honestly only one of the characters that i mentioned at the start is simping for someone i ship them with (terumob) (but the reason i even like teru in the first place might be cuz i saw terumob art, thought it was cute, and decided to search more art. i do that with a lot of characters when i dont watch the show (from the original list ive watched all of saiki k, watched playthroughs of the first 2 dr games, watched like a season of mp100 years ago and watched like 2 seasons of mha even before that. i get my filling of plot and character from meme videos, fanart, and fanfics. i understand enough.) and i get hooked on the ship (more examples include akiangel, kiribaku and the two gay boys from evangelion. a lot of homo happening. also whatever the fic version of this is but with denji and yoshida).

about the simping and the bakugou being mean-- i accept my character's flaws!!! i dont erase them!!! bakugou is an asshole and thats why i wanna see him get punished and learn from his mistakes, even if its a little hard! a great fic where this happens (but isnt the main storyline) is quirk: knife! which is probably my favorite non ship heavy fic, check it out!

my fav characters have flaws but just like how you need to embrace flaws in the people you love, whether that means helping them get better or accepting them, i embrace these flaws cuz it makes them who they are! souda, denji and auira wouldnt be themselves if they werent pushing the lines with their crushes and idk what the fuck bakugou would be if he wasnt what he was.

alright lets actually start talking about my favorite character now.

so, right now, my favorite character of all time is-- ding ding ding-- kazuichi souda! who i already mentioned.

look at him! idk if the one and a half people who are reading this know him, but if u know denji, who is a more popular character atm, then imagine that but more wimpy.

the first time i encountered this character i was watching game grump's playthrough of the second game. i watched their first and enjoyed it but didnt really join the fandom. i didnt know anything about the second so i was going in blind like arin and dan, so theres a chance that whatever i thought about the characters was biased and connected to how they feel.

at first i really liked his design. a lot of the characters have small and complicated details but souda is probably the most simple design, not including hinata, but unlike him souda has a lot of bright colors that draw the eye in! i dont particularly prefer designs with sharp teeth but i think its a pretty nice quirk, since its another part of him that makes him look intimidating. theres a headcanon that he filed themselves but i honestly think he wouldnt do that, and prefer the headcanon that its genetic, even if it makes less sense. but danganronpa, and their designs, dont make sense. i think these little strange quirks are better when they arent thoughtout or have reason. he has sharp teeth becuz. just cuz.

if u dont know what happens in the game im just gonna say that the plot doesnt really matter, cuz really the only growth souda experiences is with his relationship to hinata (the main character) and his trust to his survivor friends that makes him stronger and convinces him to leave the virtual reality. im not gonna be talking about the plot in detail. i also havent watched the anime so im not gonna get into whatever he does there. i do know that he makes some cute faces in it, which is pretty awesome.

but, yeah, besides his design, at the start i truthfully didnt really like him lmaooo he was kind of stalkerish towards sonia (ill prob get into their relationship later), he is also a wimp but honestly... i get it hes stuck in a killing game i would be scared of anything too. i feel like of all of the cast, from all the games, souda is probably one of the best depictions of an actual teenager that might exist. of course he has his obnoxious moments, but in a way that a dumb teenager would have. i dont know when i started liking him, maybe after discovering soudam? hmm.

kazuichi is the ultimate mechanic, which is one of the talents in the game that actually gets used? he makes the communicators in chap 3 and fixes the elevator in chap 4. besides that, he is also important to the second chapter since he helped tie up komaeda and he also brought hinata to the diner, though that has nothing to do with his talent.

he learned to be a great mechanic from working at his dad's repair shop or garage or whatever its called. its mentioned that their family is pretty poor, and i think the concept of a character being at one point or another un-wealthy pretty interesting (did that come strange? sorry). he worked to help get their family money he is a good boy, he mentions being better than his dad too. he doesnt look like the typical mechanic, except from the greasy hair and jumpsuit (im talking specifically about his color scheme) and thats another one of those quirks that make no sense but i just like haha

speaking of his parents, lets talk about a popular headcanon that fans have of souda's dad (before we start i wanna state that my opinion on this topic and the topic of souda relationship towards sonia and his trust issues were all stem from an analysis video of him on youtube, if u know u know, so if i want someone more competent talking about it go there, but if u dont care enough to research it or ure only reading because u like me and wanna hear me talk about something i care about dw im gonna go into detail about these anyways

the hc is that souda's dad physically abuses him. i wanna talk about why dont agree (if u wanna skip this part ill put *** when it ends so just go there <3). this hc stems from a story he tells hinata in one of the free time events where he didnt go to his previous school trips because he wanted to save money for his family, even though he really wanted to go, and he says something along the lines of how his dad "beat the crap outta him" when he didnt go.

do i think his dad hit him? probably. i dont really know how common this type of discipline is in japan, or in places with more un-wealthy people so this might be normal to them. does that make that okay? obviously not. but if the only example we get for him hitting souda is after souda does something good for the family in his own expense, it wont make sense for his father to be mad about it, right? i think he was upset his son had to give up his happiness for them, even if it was to save money. the analysis vid said it might be souda just using more dramatized words for it. He was hesitant to tell hinata that he was picked on at school, i dont think hed just admit to being abused so casually. i think his dad might have smacked him from time to time when he was younger but probably stopped the more souda grew up. if his dad really hated him he wouldnt beat him after doing something that would benefit the dad, is what im saying.

also i think that the way souda acts doesnt reflect someone who would be regularly abused... its not like im an expert, but if we for example look at tsumiki, who was canonically abused and bullied regularly, we can see a great difference. yes, souda tends to be caught off guard or scared of stuff, but usually its less of other people and more about the situation around him. he was scared of monokuma and the monobeasts and the morning after the killing gama announcement. he's also generally not that apologist about his stupid behavior... for example he doesnt feel remorse for tying up komaeda, and even threatens to tie up kuzuryuu too. i also think he said something about wanting to punch one of the other guys? this might be cuz he tends to blurt out his thoughts stupidly and doesnt know how to hold his tongue (something that, if he was abused, would probably get him in trouble) but he never recoils from what he said. he whines about being judged, like after letting slip that he was thinking of sonia in a creepy way, but he never goes back and is afraid that someone might punish him or hurt him. like how tsumiki apologizes for the smallest thing at claims that she'll take any punishment.

it might also be because i generally dont like hcing characters with abusive parents haha. i know for a lot of characters its a part of what makes them who they are, but if thats not the case i feel like its always to excuse the character from some frowned upon trait they have.

its a bit difficult to explain so ill take an example from a different character from a different show. todoroki from mha was abused as a child, and its a part of what makes him him, and its a big part of his character, even if hes not in that situation anymore. i wont deny it. now, theres a hc that some people like to believe about bakugou's parents, specifically his mom, being abusive. this isnt canon. first of all everyone is entitled to hc what they want but a lot of the time i feel this is a way to explain his asshole behavior (also i just love mitsuki). i dont like excusing his fucked up actions and blaming his parents. i think that him being an asshole from the ideals that he himself made is kind of what made him interesting. he believes in what he learned from his own experiences that he and only he had. his stupid child thinking made him the gross person he is, and thats way more interesting than blaming his parents' behavior, like we can do with reason in todoroki's case. todoroki acts antagonistic at the start of the show because of the pressure his dad put on him.

now going back to souda, by making his dad abusive a lot of people linked that to him being a creep towards sonia. while i do see how his parents and their expectations might be a motivator, i prefer to blame souda himself for his wrong actions. i dont want to excuse his actions like that. its more interesting to see him grow from the ideals and reasonings he made himself.

***

now let's talk about his relationship with hinata! woo!

canonically, hinata is the person souda is closes to in the game, even though most of the time hinata is just tolerating his stupid behavior. except in his free time events maybe. their relationship is probably the biggest character development souda gets.

lets talk about his past a little more.

souda tells hinata that he used to be picked on for looking like a nerd. he had black hair (but i hc it more like dark brown, because reminder this is a post gushing about my fav character first and an canalization second), brown eyes (in hc world dull pale brown cuz a lot of the char's eyes are dull and pale colored) and glasses (hc: thin and rectangle shaped). he's not really a nerd... except that he's probably good at math and that type of things, since he builds machines and all. if i remember correctly, he says his bullied got away with what they did because he tends to be naive and trusts too easily. he was also used by his best friend that cheated off of his test, blamed souda for it (which he didnt really mind, showcasing how much not a nerd he is if he doesnt care about his studying and tests like that) and then kinda ghosted after feeling bad. but at the time souda was really heartbroken and felt betrayed, this whole situation gave him trust issues because that his naive heart cant tell when someone really wants to be his friend or if they'll drop him when they dont need him anymore.

souda and hinata start off being friends because souda didnt like any of the other guys enough (fair enough, hinata is the most normal one lol) and he tolerated him enough to go to the diner on the second island to spy on the girls with him. at the time kuzuryuu was still an asshole to everyone, but the two do get friendlier after the second trial (survivor boys bff agenda. i did say "bff coded" didnt i?)

souda tells hinata that after his ex best friend left him, he kinda went through something-- he dyed his hair, put in contacts, and pierced his ears (which i like to think was really scare to him) (and i assume this is when he started to wear bright colors, but i like to think he was always a fan of them (aiura and teru kinnie)) to make himself more intimidating (like i said in the list! remember the list?!) so that he wont be picked on. i assume the bullying he experienced was more emotional that physical, and he was probably called names for his nerdy appearance and was made to do tasks for toxic friends and somethings like that. tsumiki was physically bullied and she has bandages all over her design while souda rolls up all his sleeves and has his collar bone exposed while there is no marks on him. maybe he's have some scars from beginner's mechanical mistakes but thats hc territory.

anyways, because of his appearance change, he got some attention from flirtations girls and said that it had intimidated him. i imagine that while he was in his nerd looking mode, he didnt get much attention from the other sex so when they only started approaching him with the assumption he's some punk badass, that was probably a bit overwhelming for him and thats why he has a strained relationship with the female sex. he does kind of sexualize the girls, specifically in the second chapter, but honestly its not really that bad. it kind of even feels a little forced, like he said nanami had "huge jugs" and wonders if this "is what moe gap is" or something like that but he doesnt even say anything about wanting her lmao. the only girl he really shows any interest is sonia, and he mostly gushes about her beauty, instead of her body. not that thats really any better ofc.

he does get along with some of the girls or at least acts normal and not incel-y towards them, like whenever he's angry at saionji, when he felt awkward next to tsumiki or when he made minimaru for owari (though he did mainly do that to impress sonia). when alter ego enoshima suggest putting him between her boobs or whatever batshit crap she said he just yelled he's get crushed, so like. good for him for not being toooo bad. so yeah i do think there are reasons why souda's best friend woudlnt be a girl (for now, at least) and thats why it really is hinata.

and while hinata has other friends, his and souda's connection is special <3 some examples: he is friends with nanami, but they dont really get each other, or at least hinata doesn't feel too connected at her at times cuz shes like a robot and doesnt really get emotions to the full extent. canonically, his and komaeda's relationship is just not... bros, yknow? whatever it is its not "bros". he and souda are bros. i know that he and kuzuryuu consider each other brothers but i feel like while the friendship they have is great, hinata would be more comfortable just letting loose and being stupid with souda. they could connect by being stupid together and distracting one another from the bad in the world by being fun. cuz souda can be fun when he isnt stressed.

but since souda is an emotional character (i dunno if i mentioned this, if u didnt know souda beforehand hes emotional as shit and cries constantly, my beloved) they can get close the two of them emotionally and are empathetic enough to be able to comfort each other. that is, when souda trusts his enough to do that.

thats right. as much as id like to say souda is loyal like a dog, he doesnt really show that in the game lol. because of his experience with his ex friend, souda has trust issues, which i think i already touched upon (idk this is so fucking long im tryna go thru this one topic at a time but good god) and these issues come up in his and hinata's relationship, mainly chap 4. to put it simply cuz honestly the plot doesnt really matter in this context: souda suspects hinata to be a traitor, and because in chap 4 the characters are not allowed to eat, this probably makes him more stressed and causes him to think even more rationally. after the chap is over, in souda's last free time event, he invites hinata to the beach and order him to punch himself.

his actions are really silly here, but basically: hinata shows in souda trust, which makes souda feel like a bad friend, because he couldnt bring himself to trust hinata even though hinata didnt do anything wrong. he feels that their friendship is unfair and that he's the cause of this problem. so i guess he knows he'll get into an argument or a fight because of it, or maybe he wants to give hinata a reason to not trust him so he bring hinata to the beach so they could fist fight. but souda doesnt like to harm people cuz soda is a good boy tm so he asks hinata to do the work for him (which he does not do lol. they communicate and talk like normal friends). this is where souda tells hinata about his past being bullied, after in the last free time event hinata said he could see souda hanging out with the cool kids, so this is where he confides that hes not a cool kid. anyways souda comes to the conclusion that hes more scared of being a bad friend and a coward because of his trust issued that actually being betrayed, and tells hinata that he'll trust him. hooray!

in my mind they are suchhhh good friends. i dont mind shipping souda with a lot of the characters, but it think their friendship is the most important to me. i love them!

now lets get into his relationship with sonia!

i do, in fact, think that his crush on her is fake. i do think he believes in it. but he does not realize that the created a version of her brought on by her general politeness, her status as a princess and her beauty, in his mind that every day strays farther away from the real sonia. he denies her liking of the occult and other scary stuff that turns him off and he acts shocked when she admits to being a virgin (yikes. at least he doesnt really shame her. i think it just ruins his image of her-- again, yikes-- but he ignores it mostly. like he ignores her, the real her, most of the times)

i dont know why he needs a romantic relationship specifically so desperately, but i can think of why he wants that puppy love admiration that he has for her. she, or at least the way he makes her in his mind, is wildly out of her league. sure he wants a girlfriend, but deep down he knows hell never get her. thats why when she turns him down again and again he only gets hurt for like a minute. she even suggests she would rather he be the blackened in the 4th trial and he gets over it pretty quickly. this is the reason he wants to like someone out of his reach so much-- because he cant get hurt from her. he isnt being betrayed or heartbroken like his ex best friend did to him (yes this is about the trust issues again) because he never expected to be with her in the first place. by expecting failure by chasing a girl that is so so out of his league (a pretty perfect princess) he knows what he gets when hes turned down. to him, this is better than actually making an effort with someone he is genuinely attached to because in that case he might actually get his feelings hurt. we see this with his relationship with hinata, though it isnt in a romantic sense. sadly, after they become close friends, he still chases after sonia, but that might be because the player isnt guaranteed to play all of souda's free time events.

this stuff probably will take time for souda to understand. ofc this doesnt really justify his actions and creepy behavior towards her... i like to think that at some point (i constantly forget that dr is a game about killing each other and the apocalypse, but ig this can take place in here too since they both survive) he understands where his problem stem from, maybe with a conversation with hinata or kuzuryuu and he learns and he asks forgiveness from sonia and changes his behavior. the long and hard way!!! my boy did something stupid and he has to make up for it!!!! he will take responsibility because thats what good character writing is!!

itll probably be difficult to come to terms that the girl in his mind, that i do believe he actually fell in love with, is not real. he will cope <3

briefly i'd like to mention souda's and kuzuryuu's relationship i think they are bffs #2 honestly i feel that the both of them plus hinata could be the best trio they are such wholesome guys from all corners of the bro spectrum let the be friends<333 idk maybe even add owari. owari and souda sibling energy <3 this is just hc territory at this point. mioda and souda sibling energy!!!!! for more kuzuryuu and souda friendship read the fic Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi's Guide to Despair Disease: A How-To Take Care of Your Friends(?) Without Spiraling Out Of Control Story. still a wip.

hmmm that was a lot. lets talk about some hcs cuz believe it or not i dont just think of his as what he is canonically, but also what he could be!

ok lets talk about appearances (still canon atm:) he is short-- one of the shortest guys in the cast cuz fuyuhiko and teruteru dont count (thats a plus) and he is, sadly, pretty ripped. it makes since cuz he prob carries heavy stuff and moves his arms a lot for his talent of being a mechanic but when a (male) character is TOO ripped and not for a good reason (for example theres a good reason why nidai or oowada are physically strong cuz of their talents, and some characters are just himbos that deserve it like momota) i just look at them like :|. but it think souda deserves some strong arms <3 he is a cuddler. he would. i just dont think he's impressively ripped. like i think he could sprint fast, but not for long, and that girls wouldnt flawk him for his arms (if they already knew who he was) cuz all in all he is still a wimp loser and he will stay as such, please and thank you.

im a big fan of his narrow eyes. theyre just. dont make sense on him i love it. just like the sharp teeth, he is blessed with looking the opposite of his personality.

now lets talk about post canon appearances! in the world of canon, where the most tragic event in history happens and they were a part of the despair refinements and they live the neo world program (i always forget they dont live in my lil modern day normal aus, ugh), i think he would wake up still looking like how he did in his depair era. idk how long theyre like that but this is my personal hc: hair that reaches his chest, some ugly dulled down pink still sticking to the tips of his messy hair, no hat </3 but his hair is long enough that he doesnt have that hedgehog thing going on </3, no contacts, no glasses, probably scars over his arms and one over the side of his lips like that rio penguin from madagascar (also curse that show for making my tiny stupid child brain think there are penguins in the desert. at least there are such a thing as beach penguins... hmm). i think he would cut his hair to be shorter that it is in canon, a bit longer than hajime's and would resemble saihara's except brown, parted and no ahoge. he wold be dispensation by the length. he would also wear a cap (the normal way) and with his natural colors back, he would look very snuggble :)) he would hug everyone he would be the comfort giver at least to the survivors (this is the part where u realize how insame i am for him lol)

in a world where the end of it didnt happen, i feel like he would feel kind lonely for a while after school, and wouldnt care enough to wear contacts and would go back to glasses, and he wouldnt dye his hair (i just really like his naturality okay i know i said i liked him at first for his colors but this is character growth! he is learning that he doesnt need to be intimidating to get friends!!!) his hair would be a little longer than canon but not by much. i just have this au where he works in an office and there he meets kamukura (who, personality wise is just hinata but depressed) and they become bffs dont at me, and this is how he looks in that au, wearing a button down without the tie and the sleeves rolled up. i do think hed wear obnoxious colors in his free time tho <3

maybe i should get into ships a little? mostly i shipped him with tanaka because i love me some rivals to lovers that isnt angst filled and is mostly just petty. theys either be salty towards each other or tanaka would be very intense in his friendship and souda would be tsundere-ish, not the obnoxious type tho. imagine how denji acts towards yoshida. (denji and souda are actually really alike. before i knew anything about csm my twt mutual told me id prob like denji cuz i like souda and.. well he was right)

but recently i dont really focus on shipping souda with anyone as much as i focus on his friendship with hinata (am i the only one who watched gg compilations and put their faces behind the silly conversations? like i imagine their sprites laughing while the video plays. is that weird? them and also saihara&momota. cuz theyre the same relationship!!! tactful mc and their friendly dumb bro! they!!!). also if u recall i made that drawing of souda with a bunch of ships so its not like loyal lol.

also why are souda and tanaka together constantly in the anime... i think its the end song where theres a slide show of all the characters in class in places like a picnic and the beach and stuff and the two of them are almost together. theyre at the very least friends. that dynamic where they both look intimidating but theyre both so fucking stupid. frienemies. <333 they are so <333 theyd be friedns at least!!! thank you for the anime for realizing that.

i also like to imagine that he and tsumiki would be friends <3 they were both bullied, they both cry a lot and arent really taken seriosuly, at least when it comes to their emotions. i think theyd hug and cry together and be friends :) also as couple they could be very cute.

i dont really know what more to say... i think this is it! i dont know what about kazuichi souda makes me love him so much. he is flawed but not to the point of being unlikable. he is unique but can easily be related to! i care about him so much... the amount of aus i come up and put him in... i dont post so much about him, but know he is my love. ofc i dont have romantic feelings for him some ppl just thirst over their favs i wanna preface that aint the case. not cuz of his age (im close to him in age) but cuz i just... dont feel and romantic or thristy feelings towards anyone so istg if anyone says something stupid to me about that.

thats all! i think this is the longest post ive ever made? when i got this ask last night i thought id write about all those characters i mentioned at the start but then when i went to bed i thought about my answer and realized i have a lot to say lol.

to the one person who actually read until the end, if u even exist (who knows myabe this was for nothing, i still had fun), you're insane. and i hope u have a great rest of ur day. if u didnt know who souda was before this... well u certainly do now (also why did u read this?) sometimes i just gotta rant about something i adore haha. its been a while since i went all out cuz me and my irl dont watch the same shows. i hope i made whoever read this love souda! at least a little!

this post is 5787 words long... im not rereading this