#like even if it's a gift/for an event i write it bc i am genuinely interested in it

[ikeasharksss]

hey im curious

feel free to rb & explain your answer in the tags!

[javierpena-inatacvest]

Chapter 18: Hole in None

Summary: During your bridal shower, Steve takes Javi golfing. When they return, the way Javi is acting has you questioning everything you knew about your relationship.

Word Count: 12.1K (getting back to my roots of a short chapter LMAO)

Warnings: SMUT(18+) unprotected p in v sex (wrap it up irl pls), oral (f receiving), creampie, praise kink, breeding kink (if you squint?), makeup sex and getting caught (The Murphy's will never catch a break) ANGST (I'm so sorry!!), Hurt/comfort, Javi being super insecure, you being confused as hell, Steve being an absolute idiot

A/N: HELLO. IT'S ME! I DO EXSIST! I am genuinely SO sorry that this chapter has taken a million years to happen. December has been so busy and I have had no time to write, so I really, really appreciate all of your patience 🥺 This is a lil different than any other chapter we've had so far in the NTL universe, it's a lil angsty-er than normal but ya girl only believes in happy endings so don't fret!!! Also poorly beta'd bc I have the stomach flu and I am 100% there are mistakes in this chapter that I'm sure I missed 🫠

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“Do I really have to do this? This thing hasn’t even started yet and I’m already exhausted.” 

“Yes, Hermosa, I do think that most people do expect the bride to be at her own bridal shower.” Javi laughed, staring into the bathroom mirror as he ran his hands through the dark curls of his hair, fixing them into place as you stood next to him, finishing the rest of your longer than usual makeup routine to prepare for being the center of attention against your will for the next several hours. 

It wasn’t that you weren’t grateful that your co-workers wanted to throw you a bridal shower before your wedding, now only a few weeks away- the sentiment of the whole thing was incredibly thoughtful. Your 3rd grade teammates had even found a way to get in touch with your family to make sure that your mom, aunts and cousins felt included in the event, too. You should have been thrilled about the fact that the people who loved you most in the world were coming together to celebrate your upcoming wedding and quite literally showering you with gifts, but if there was one thing you hated more than anything else, it was the social exhaustion that came from having a party planned for no one but you. 

You had really tried to convince Maria, Estelle, Linda, and now, your mom that you didn’t need a bridal shower- your wedding was going to be small, and since you had already been living on your own, there weren’t a lot of things you needed as you started married life together. Unfortunately, neither of those arguments were going to stop those ladies from going all out for you, leaving you feeling like your bridal shower was turning out to be even bigger than your actual wedding. 

“Don’t you think I could just get a cardboard cutout of myself and use that instead? All these ladies love to talk so much that I don’t think they would even know the difference.” You sighed, giving yourself a once over in the mirror before putting away the rest of your makeup as Javi snuck behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist, planting a soft kiss into your shoulder as he pressed his chest against your back. 

“I have a feeling that someone would notice.” Javi chuckled, a soft grin spreading across his face as your eyes met in the mirror, his smile and sweet eyes enough to calm your nerves for at least a moment. “I would definitely notice.” 

“Well that’s easy for you to say, you don’t even have to be there.” You huffed, letting a little pout fall from your lips as Javi playfully shook you in his grasp, trying your best not to smile as you tried to keep up your unenthused facade. “It’s not too late to trade. You can go to the bridal shower and I can go golfing with you and Steve.” 

Even though Javi had insisted he was more than happy to stay at the shower with you, Maria had insisted that Javi find another way to spend his time so the spotlight of the day could be on you, and not him being distractingly handsome to everyone else there. Lucky for Javi, that meant extra time to spend with Steve while Connie was at your shower- not so lucky for you that Maria had banished your future husband from attending an event for your own wedding. 

“I honestly may have to take you up on that. Steve must have needed an ego boost when I let him pick what he wanted to do while you and Connie were at the shower because he knows I can’t golf for shit.” Javi’s overdramatic sigh and roll of his eyes was enough to make you break into a little giggle, turning your head enough to press a quick kiss onto his cheek before reaching your hand under his chin, giving his jaw a little jiggle. “It’ll go by fast, Osita, I promise. And then, when we get home,” he paused, pressing another kiss into your shoulder and up towards your neck, digging his fingers a little tighter into your sides as he rasped into your ear, “I’ll take as much time as you want to destress you.” 

“As much time as I want? Bold of you to assume that the dog is gonna give us that long.” You snickered as a happy Bear trotted into your bathroom right on cue, his tail loudly thumping against the bathroom cabinets from his happy wags as he wedged himself between you and Javi. 

The newest furry member of your household had been a well loved addition, but if there was one thing Bear had no concept of, it was privacy. Your dog had become a constant shadow to you and Javi anywhere and everywhere in your house, including your in your bedroom, even when you were, well, not sleeping. It hadn’t helped that Javi had already formed such a soft spot for Bear, and had let him on your bed from the moment he stepped foot into the apartment, and now, your dog and his clingy personality had become a new obstacle to try and navigate in your sex life. 

“Someone needs to tell his dad that he’ll survive if he gets left out of the bedroom for a half hour, huh? That he’s adorable, but that he can be a little cockblock, can’t he?” Squatting down next to Bear, you wrapped your hands around his face, scratching behind his ears as you mockingly serenaded him, raising an eyebrow at Javi. 

“He just sounds so sad when he whines and he’s trapped outside the door.” Javi grumbled, kneeling down to join you, patting Bear’s stomach, now much thicker and fuller than it was a few weeks ago after you had first brought him home, skinny and neglected from his lack of care from his previous owners. 

“You say trapped like we're kicking him out to the streets when we close the door on him. He’s adorable and sweet, but he’s a dog, Jav, he’ll be okay.” You smirked, playfully scolding Javi as you peppered Bear’s head with kisses, making his tail thump even harder as it wagged back and forth. “Tell your dad you’ll be just fine, won’t you?” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” Javi groaned, knowing damn well you were right, even though he couldn’t bring himself to admit he had become an absolute softie for your new dog. “Alright, Hermosa, we gotta get you to this shower before Maria yells at me for making you late.” Pushing his hands against his knees, Javi let out a little grunt as he pushed himself back up to stand, checking the time on the silver watch wrapped around his wrist. 

“Wow, so eager to get rid of me, you must really be excited to go get your ass kicked in golf.” You teased, now following suit and straightening out your dress as you stood, throwing your arms around Javi’s neck, pressing up on your tiptoes to plant a little kiss on his lips. “Sure you don’t want me to golf for you?” 

“I’m sure, you dork.” 

After Javi had insisted on giving Bear more than his fair share of treats before the two of you left for the day, you were on the road to Maria’s, Javi insisting that he drop you off, instead of letting you take the treacherous 2 minute drive by yourself. As you drove down Maria’s street, you couldn’t help but smile at the memory of walking up to her house for an end of the school year party almost exactly a year ago. A party that had ultimately turned a handsome stranger from the Laredo Sheriff's department into your future husband, now sitting in the driver’s seat on the way to your bridal shower. You couldn’t help but laugh to yourself at the irony, leaning your head over onto Javi’s broad shoulder as you pulled up to Maria’s house. 

“What’s up, Osita?” Javi asked, a twinge of confusion in his voice at the content and calm of your demeanor as the two of you arrived at the event that you had been seemingly dreading for days. 

“I just- It was probably a year ago to the day the last time that we were at Maria’s house. Crazy to think that a year later we’re getting married and here for my bridal shower. I don’t know, a year ago I never would have thought I would have met someone I love so much, let alone be getting married, building a house, owning a dog, I- I’m just really happy that the department made you come to do that stupid presentation. You’ve made this year the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love you, Jav.” 

A tender silence hung in the air as Javi leaned over the center console, gently bringing his palm to cup the side of your face, his thumb tracing circles along your cheek, letting his sweet brown eyes lock with yours as a soft smile spread across his face. “I love you too, Osita.” His words barely left his mouth above a whisper, bringing his lips to yours. The two of you could have stayed like this forever, lost in the moment of your love for each other, but unfortunately, the world had other plans. 

“JAVIER. DIOS MIO. CAN YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER FOR 3 SECONDS?” Maria shouted, banging at the driver’s side window, the aggressive thumps of her hand against the glass making the two of you practically jump out of your skin. 

“Jesus Fucking Christ….” Javi whispered, clutching his hand over his chest, trying to steady his heart rate back to normal, the two of you looking at each other in pure terror. 

“If you’re going to drop her off and make a scene in my driveway, the least you can do is help an old woman out before you leave, Javier!” Maria demanded, still rapping her knuckles against the glass, the two of you trying to keep from dying of embarrassment as you exited out of the car. 

“Sorry Maria…” The two of you grimaced, still trying to avoid direct eye contact with her before she decided to scold you more. 

“Chucho is right, you two are no worse than a pair of teenagers. Come on, we only have an hour before everyone arrives and I need you and that wildly blonde haired boy to help me move chairs.” Shaking her head in disappointment, Maria was already halfway up the driveway and into the house as you and Javi trailed behind her, glancing at each other in confusion as to who she was referring to, until you noticed the Murphy’s car parked on the side of the street, realizing that Steve and Connie must have beaten you there. 

Before you even had a chance to make it a foot into the house, you were greeted by an overbearing swarm of people rushing to say hello and give you a hug, already feeling overwhelmed 30 seconds into the start of your shower, and these were all people you knew. Your mom was the first to make her way through the crowd, squeezing you in a death grip hug, even though you had just seen her last night after picking her up from the airport and dropping her off at her hotel. 

“Oh my god, I can’t believe the day is almost here! My baby girl is finally getting married! Ugh, you look beautiful sweetheart!” Your mom beamed, planting a chaste kiss on your cheek before making her way over to Javi, squeezing him just as hard. “C’mere, don’t think that you get to escape hugs from me too, Javi.” Javi looked over at you, trying his best not to laugh at everyone’s dramatics, knowing how stressed you already were, and that no one’s overly excited attitude was doing you any favors. 

“Ouch on the finally there, Mom. What do you need help with?” You asked, noticing that your mom had been holding on to Javi for a touch longer than what was probably appropriate while everyone else continued to hustle and bustle around Maria’s house. 

“Does he always smell that good? God, I wished your father smelled like that, the man smells like a sweaty sock. Javi, what kind of cologne do you-” 

“Mom! Jesus Christ.” You interjected, burying your hands in your face.

“Sorry, sorry! Honey, you don’t need to help with anything, it’s your shower!” Your mom swatted her hand at you, shaking her head in disbelief that you would ask to help, even though she knew better than anyone it was not in your nature to sit back on the sidelines and let other people do the work for you. 

“Why don’t you come help me set up decorations?” A soft voice replied behind you, making you whip your head around as their hand rested on your shoulder. 

“Connie!” You grinned, throwing her arms around her, relieved to find someone who wasn’t going to drive you absolutely crazy for the next hour of party prep. “It’s so good to see you, thank you so much for coming!” 

“Hey, Sweetheart!” a lower voice grunted from behind a stack of folding chairs making its way to the backyard. 

“Wow, Maria put you to work too, Steve? Yikes, she’s running a tight ship around here.” You and Connie snickered as Steve set down his stack of chairs, revealing his already sweaty and frustrated face, considering Maria had probably made him carry 6 trips worth of seats up and down the stairs since he and Connie had arrived. 

“You’re tellin’ me. Hey, make yourself useful and pick up some of these chairs, lazy ass. Sooner we get this set up, the sooner I kick your butt at golf.” Steve smirked, gesturing over at Javi, still standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips. 

“In that case, I’m taking one chair at a time.” Javi sighed, pressing a quick kiss to your temple in stride towards Steve, giving him a swift hug and a pat on the back before being interrupted by a shrill and demanding voice. 

“JAVIER. I HEARD THAT. IF I DON’T SEE YOU WITH A STACK OF CHAIRS IN YOUR HANDS THE NEXT TIME YOU’RE OUTSIDE, IT’D BETTER BE BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD.” Maria shouted from across the house, making everyone’s faces freeze in fear. 

“You heard the woman. Chop, chop, Peña.” Steve chuckled to himself before passing off half of the chairs over to Javi, and walking towards the back of the house as Javi picked up his share, begrudgingly trailing behind Steve. 

“Alright, we should probably get to work on decorations before Maria finds us standing around for too long. I know you’re the bride, but I have a feeling that holds very little value to her until everything is set up.” Connie shrugged, nodding towards the backyard where the shower was being held. 

“You’re definitely right, and I would prefer to live through my bridal shower in order to make it to my actual wedding.” 

With all of the helping hands around the house, and Maria’s commanding dictatorship over shower setup, all of you had finished with time to spare, leaving your mom and co-workers to happily chat and gossip amongst themselves as you and Connie found your way to say goodbye to Steve and Javi, one of whom was looking much more excited about departing for golf than the other. 

“Have fun, ladies. Any last words for your future husband before I absolutely obliterate him on the golf course?” Steve snickered, giving Javi a soft punch on the shoulder. 

“Shut the fuck up, Murph.” Javi groaned, rolling his eyes as he braced himself for the next 3 hours of harassment from his former partner. 

“Don’t be too hard on him, okay Steve? He gets grumpy when he loses, so just a reasonable amount of ass whooping, nothing too drastic.” You teased, now playfully punching on the other side of his arm, you, Steve, and Connie laughing to yourselves at Javi’s fed up frown. 

“Says the one who literally pouted for hours after insisting we play "Sorry" and then she lost.” Javi smugly murmured, raising an eyebrow at you, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well someone wasn’t very sorry about it, were they… You know what, Steve? I changed my mind, go ahead and kick his ass for me.” A mischievous grin grew across your face, bursting out into giggles as Javi flung his arms around you, giving you a squeeze and shaking you in his grasp. 

“Pendejo. Alright, you need anything else before I go get my ass kicked, Hermosa?” Javi asked, pressing a kiss into your hair. You were about to speak, but stopped yourself for a moment, looking Javi up and down, admiring how handsome he looked in the khakis and navy blue polo he had picked out this morning. You’d been so worried and worked up about the day that you hadn’t really had a chance to get a good look at him until now, and God, part of you wished you hadn’t taken the time to really take it all in as he stood next to you. You knew there was nothing you could really do about it now, but that wasn’t about to stop you from at least getting a little taste. 

“Uh yeah, I uh- actually um, I uh, I scraped my finger earlier on one of the banners I was setting up and I think I got a papercut. I forgot to ask Maria about it earlier, but um, can you show me where the bandaids are upstairs again?” You tried your best to sound as casual as possible, but Javi knew just as well as you that there was no way in hell that you actually needed a bandaid. His brow scrunched in a slight confusion, head cocked to the side as if to say “I think I know where this is going and I’m not really sure it’s going to work” before giving you a little shrug, gesturing up towards the bathroom at the top of the stairwell, trying to keep his smug grin hidden between his lips. 

“Yeah, I uh- here, let me show you where they are and I can get you one before we go.” Before Steve or Connie could even muster a word in protest, Javi was already dragging you halfway up the stairs, barely letting you make it to the top of the stairway before closing the bathroom door behind you. 

“Band Aid, really? That was the best you could come up with?” Javi laughed under his breath, letting his hands roam down your sides and under the hem of your dress as his fingers dug into the meat of your ass, the heat of his breath tickling your skin where his lips met your neck, gently sucking at your pulse point, making a tiny moan escape from your mouth. 

“I needed to come up with something to get you alone for long enough to give you a proper goodbye before you left.” 

“And a Band Aid was the way to do that?” 

“Oh shut up.” You giggled, draping your arms over Javi’s neck, letting your hands roam through the curls at the nape of his neck before pulling him in tighter to let his lips crash into yours with an electric intensity, his fingertips gripping deeper into your flesh. 

“I don’t think-” Javi muttered between kisses, “I don’t think a bandaid is gonna buy us enough time to do anything, Hermosa.” 

“I know. I just needed this. Just needed to kiss your stupidly handsome face. I needed something before you left me to fend for myself. Plus,” you paused, pulling back to see the lovestruck grin spread between Javi’s cheeks, “only fair that I get a chance to recreate our first kiss.” You snickered, gesturing to the interior of Maria’s bathroom, where you had found yourself with Javi almost a year ago to the day, your lips meeting for the first time as you sat on the ledge of the sink after Javi had came to your aid when a shattered beer bottle had landed in your leg. 

“Fuck, I forgot our first kiss was in Maria’s bathroom. Real fucking smooth of me, huh?” Javi grumbled, rolling his eyes at his past self for letting your first kiss be in the bathroom of his Mom’s best friend’s house. 

“Smooth enough for me to wanna marry you, so I guess it all worked out okay, didn’t it?” You teased, planting one last kiss on his lips before shooting him a wink and slipping out the bathroom, your face warm and tingly from the rush of excitement tucked away with Javi in your impromptu makeout session. Javi ran his hand over his face, taking a moment to try and compose himself, shaking his head to himself in shock and delight at how he found himself falling more and more in love with you every day. 

“Okay, uh- sorry, sorry about that. Just didn’t wanna have to bother Maria for anything.” You sighed, darting your eyes away from Steve and Connie, their arms crossed against their chest with almost comically smug smirks on their faces as they watched you shuffle back down the stairs, Javi reluctantly trailing behind you. 

“Yeah? How’d that bandaid work out for ya?” Steve smiled with a shit eating grin, nodding to your hands, neither of them with a bandaid anywhere in sight. You let out a gulp, trying to quickly tuck your hands behind your back, your cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment. “Goddamn, you two gonna make it 3 hours without touching each other, or am I gonna have to bring him back here after hole 4 for a mid-round makeout?” 

“Jesus Christ, Murph, really?.” Javi grumbled, rolling his eyes. “Bye, love you. Have fun and I’ll see you soon.” Leaned over, snaking his arm around your waist to plant one last kiss in your hair. 

“Not soon enough, apparently…” 

“Murphy…” 

“Stop makin’ out and I’ll stop givin’ you shit.” 

“Touche…” You muttered under your breath, just loud enough to make the 4 of you burst into laughter, easing the uncomfortable tension that you had brought upon yourself from your antics. “Love you too, have fun getting your ass kicked.” 

“Yes, yes, out, out, out! It’s only 10 minutes until guests arrive and your truck is taking up all the room in the driveway! Out!” Stampeding into the living room, Maria waved her hands at the boys, quite literally shooing them out of the house after overhearing your goodbyes. Giving a quick wave to Javi as Maria kicked him and Steve to the curb, you caught Javi’s head whipping around for one last glance at you before you left, giving you a once over with his eyes and a soft smile on his face as the front door shut behind him. 

Truth be told, your shower ended up being way less painful than you expected it would be. In all honesty, it was actually somewhat enjoyable. The fact that your mom, co-workers, and Connie had put into helping everyone come together to celebrate you filled your heart with so much more joy than you could have predicted- your friends and family had bought you and Javi so many more gifts than you knew what to do with, had so many kind things to say about the two of you, and Connie had even gone out of her way to make sure that there were fun games planned for everyone to keep the need for constant socialization at bay. It really had ended up being a fun afternoon, even if it meant having to answer the same questions about your wedding, house and honeymoon plans more times than you could count. 

Javi, on the other hand, could not have been having a worse time on the golf course, getting his ass thoroughly handed to him by Steve hole after hole, wondering to himself how anyone could bring themself to genuinely enjoy the torture that had been the past two and a half hours of hacking his club into chunks of grass and loosing his golf balls in the brush. The only consoling factor was that Javi was grateful to spend time with Steve, even if it meant being berated by endless questions from him on top of his painful performance while he played. 

“You feelin’ ready for the big day?” Steve grunted, after smacking his driver against his ball from the tee box, Javi relieved that the pair were finally on the 9th and final hole. 

“Yeah, I mean- Oh fuck me-” Javi grumbled, hitting his club and watching his ball fly into a patch of trees, the opposite direction of where he was trying to aim for, “I still can’t believe I’m getting married.” 

“You and me both, Jav. I never thought I’d live to see the fuckin’ day, that’s for damn sure. Javier Peña, a married man.” Steve chuckled, slipping his club into his golf bag as Javi followed behind, grabbing what must have been the 57th golf ball from his bag this round. 

“Shut the fuck up, Murph.” Javi chuckled, shaking his head at his friends’ jab, the two of them hopping into the golf cart together to try and scavenge for Javi’s long lost ball. 

“I’m just given’ you shit, Jav. I’m fuckin’ happy for you man. Really happy. She’s a great girl. Best thing that’s ever happened to your sorry ass, I’ll tell you that much. Guess you don’t have to worry about really followin’ through this time?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You’re actually gonna get married this time? You’re not leavin’ her at the altar like Lorraine, huh?” As Steve laughed to himself, Javi could practically feel his stomach drop, his heart beginning to race as a wave of terrible guilt and panic washed over him at his friend’s ironic question. 

To his own shock and surprise, Javi hadn’t thought about his last lack of a wedding once since the two of you had gotten engaged. He had been so head over heels excited to spend the rest of his life with you, that the failures of his past engagement had been tucked far away in the back of his mind. But then again, no one had been so gracious as to bring up the knife to the chest that was leaving Lorraine at the altar, and no one had been so gracious as to bring it up in classic Steve Murphy fashion. 

Javi could audibly hear himself gulp, his heartbeat pounding so loud he could hear it ringing in his ears as the terrible reality of the past he had so glady forgotten about met him in a head on collision, instantly re-opening all of the cuts and wounds he had finally managed to sew together. 

The last time he almost got married, Javier Peña had astronomically fucked up the lives of every last person who cared about him, leaving nothing but chaos and heartbreak in his wake.   

Rationally, Javi could tell himself that his upcoming wedding was the polar opposite of everything that was once planned between him and Lorraine. Javi couldn’t have cared less about Lorraine. From the moment he had wearily accepted his fate, he had dreaded every moment of his future from that point on. But you were not Lorraine. 

Javi loved you. 

Javi cared about you. 

Javi wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with you and give you everything in the world you could possibly want. 

But, one mention of that 8 letter name had Javi’s brain flooding with every single doubt, regret, and painful memory of his past that he had fought so hard to forget. It had his mind reeling with every uncomfortable feeling of remembering the man he had been before you had come into his life and changed him for the better. He knew he was a better man. A stronger man. A man who was worthy of the love and compassion you had shown him from the moment you two had met. 

Or was he? 

“Earth to Javi? Hello? Anyone home?” Waving his hand in front of Javi’s face, Steve stared at Javi in confusion as to why it seemed like his friend had suddenly become lost in his own world as they pulled up to the patch of trees where his ball had most likely landed. 

“Uh yeah, uh- what, sorry, um, what did you say?” Javi asked, visibly trying to shake the thoughts from his head, painfully scrunching his face and running his hand through his hair before looking back over at Steve. 

“I asked if you were gonna go get the ball or if you just wanted to add to your +200 score and drop one here instead. Hey, you okay, man?” Steve questioned, pausing for a moment before asking the later half of his statement, seeing the color flushed from Javi’s face. 

“Uh, yeah- Yeah, sorry, I just, I’m good. I’ll um, I’ll just drop a ball.” Javi muttered half to himself as he stepped out of the cart, barely paying attention enough to even remember what in the world he was even looking for in his golf bag. 

If Javi wasn’t already thankful to be on the last hole before Steve’s comment, he sure as hell was now, mindlessly whacking his golf club with no regard as to how his ball made it to the green. Any thoughts about golf, let alone any previous attempts to even try to play well had now flown out the window, creeping thoughts of self doubt and resentment crawling through Javi’s mind. The rest of the round and the entire car ride back to Maria’s were spent in an internal battle ranging in Javi’s brain, the fight between the man he used to be and the man he’d thought he’d become rearing its ugly head with a painful intensity that absolutely felt like it was consuming him whole.  

Steve, who was just as oblivious to his friend’s distraught state as he was to the idiocracy of his sarcastic question, had chalked Javi’s quiet and somber mood up to being an overly sore loser after getting mercilessly crushed at golf. Little did he know that his one silly comment had sent Javi spiraling down a trail of crushing self-doubt. 

As the pair pulled into the driveway and made their way to the backyard where a few straggling party goers still lingered, trying to monopolize their time with you to get the details of your upcoming plans for the future. Being the attentive and patient person that you were, you were trying your hardest to seem enthused and engaged with in the conversation with who you thought was Javi’s Aunt’s Cousin (at this point, you had been introduced to so many new people, you were questioning your own name), but it wasn’t long before your future husband’s big, broad body entering the backyard had you more than distracted, your face instantly lighting up at the sight of him. Peeking over his Aunt’s cousin (or cousin’s aunt, you weren’t really sure) shoulder, you bit down on your lip to try and contain your excitement, letting a little wave shake from your hand in his direction. 

Javi wished that your sweet smile and beautiful self were enough to snap him out of his funk, to see how you beamed in excitement just at the sight of him and shot him that lovestruck look he’d never get sick of- but for some twisted reason, it only made him feel worse. 

You were everything- kind, smart, funny, the most breathtaking woman he’d ever seen. But what was he? Tired? Broken? A shitty guy who had done even shitter things, who had left nothing but destruction in his path for years and years, with no regard for who it hurt, or even worse, left for dead? How was he supposed to give you everything you deserved when he sure as fuck didn’t deserve you? 

Before you had even said a word to him, you could already sense something was off about Javi’s demeanor that was due to more than just losing to Steve in golf. Even from across the backyard, his forced smile and tired brown eyes had a worried pit swirling in the bottom of your stomach, politely excusing yourself from your conversation to make your way over to Javi. 

“Hi! You guys have fun at golf? Steve didn’t kick your ass too bad?” You grinned, wrapping your arms around Javi’s waist, pressing up on your toes to plant a kiss on his lips, his mouth barely ghosting over yours in return. 

“Yeah, it was um- yeah, it was fine.” Javi nodded, trying to make a smile appear between his pursed lips. “How was the shower? You uh, you ready for Steve and I to start putting things in the truck to bring over to the new house?” 

You immediately frowned in response, cocking your head in confusion at him. “Yeah, it was great, but hey, are- are you okay? You seem really off, like more than just Steve kicking your ass at golf off. Did something happen?” 

“No, I’m- yeah, I’m good, Hermosa.” Javi’s eyes darted towards the ground, trying his best to stifle his sigh before another fake smile spread across his face, his response making you even more concerned than you were before, seeing he was clearly lying to you. As much as you wanted to problem solve right then and there to figure out what had Javi so distressed, the calls of one of the last groups of party goers wanting to say their goodbyes rang across the backyard, you flashing them a quick smile and a wave to signal you’d be over in a second. Before you could try and get anything else out of Javi, he had already backed himself away from your hands still tangled around his waist, nodding towards the group of women who were not so patiently waiting for you. “Go say goodbye, I’ll start loading stuff up.” 

“Um, I- uh, yeah, o-okay. Thanks.” You murmured, half to yourself, as Javi had already begun to walk away to find Steve to help him start carrying things out to the car, leaving you more anxious and confused with every passing second. 

With goodbyes finished, and decor and party setup cleaned up just as fast as Maria had demanded it to be put up, you and Javi made your way to your now packed car, followed by Connie and Steve, who had asked to see the progress on your new house while they were in town. You figured you’d kill two birds with one stone, inviting them over and having them help to unload gifts in the same trip, but now, given the strangely somber mood that Javi couldn’t seem to shake, you really wished it was just the two of you so you could figure out what the hell was going on. 

You and Javi piled into his truck, Steve and Connie hopping into theirs and following you down Maria’s street towards your new house. A stark silence filled the car, praying to yourself that maybe Javi just wanted to be alone before he said anything about his current state, but 5 minutes down the road without a single word falling from his lips, you had a devastating feeling that wasn’t going to be the case. 

Your leg bounced against the seat, fingers nervously drumming in your lap, letting out a quiet sigh to yourself before looking over at Javi and mustering up the courage to try and interrogate. 

“Sooooo, golf was fun? I love ya, but I think it’s probably safe to assume Steve won?” You quietly snickered, trying your best to stay nonchalant. 

“Yeah, it was good, Steve won, but that’s no surprise because I suck at golf.” Javi mumbled to himself, barely glancing your direction from behind the yellow tinted aviators perched on the bridge of his nose. Normally, if either of you had something that self-deprecating to say, it was at least followed by some sort of a joke or laugh, but his comment ended with nothing but a stoic silence as his hands gripped tighter around the steering wheel. 

“Hey, babe, it’s okay, you don’t ever golf, so it’s hard to expect yourself to be good at something you rarely ever do.” You reached over to grab his arm to reassure him, that unsettling and anxious pit beginning to grow in your stomach again with the way Javi was acting. All he could muster was a half hearted huff in response, signaling to you that whatever was happening was much bigger than a poor game of golf. 

“Javi… Baby, what’s going on? Did something happen with Steve?” 

“It’s nothing.” 

“It’s clearly not nothing, Jav. Did I do something wrong?” 

“No, I told you, it’s fine.” 

“Javi, it obviously isn’t fine if this is the way you’re acting about it. Why won’t you talk to me about it? I just wanna-” 

“I told you, it’s fine, okay!? Jesus, I don’t need you to solve all my problems.”

Oh.  

You and Javi had been in arguments before, hell, you’d been in fights before, but never once in the time that you’d known him, had Javi snapped at you like this. You could practically feel yourself recoiling in your seat from the harsh tone of his voice, fighting back the tears that had instantly begun welling in your eyes. You could feel your heart in your throat, choking down a heavy gulp as your lip quivered to try and keep from crying. 

What had gone so wrong that Javi was acting like this? 

You wish you had it in you to dig it out of him, but as you pulled up the driveway of your new home, Steve and Connie right behind you, ready for a tour, the best you could muster was a quiet, “O-okay.” As soon as the car was in park, Javi was unbuckling his seatbelt and slamming the door behind him, leaving you behind in the car, trying everything in your power to not become a startled, sobbing mess. 

Wiping away the wetness pooling behind your eyelids, you swiped the back of your hand against your cheeks, taking a few deep breaths before following behind, mustering up as much courage as you could to keep your cool for however long Steve and Connie were planning to stick around before heading back to San Antonio. 

You had hoped that Steve and Connie hadn't picked up on the palpable tension brewing between you and Javi, trying your best to put on a brave face as you paraded the Murphy’s through your nearly completed house. To be quite honest, you couldn’t have recalled anything that had happened in the time that they were there, your mind racing in torment as you watched Javi brood around your new home, barely saying a word to you, let alone make any eye contact, or look in your general direction. 

As the four of you made your way upstairs, your attention was finally caught by the low lull of Steve’s laughter as he situated himself between you and Javi, grabbing you both by the shoulders and shaking you in his grasp. 

“Well I’ll be damned. Y’all got enough rooms up here to house half a baseball team! You want that many kids driving ya nuts, huh?” Steve chuckled, making his way down the hallway, peeking into the empty bedrooms of your 2nd story. 

“Steve!” Connie scolded, slapping the back of her hand against Steve’s stomach for his comment. 

“What?! I’m just sayin’! I thought y’all would want like, 2, but there’s enough room for way more than that. I mean, I guess you two are fuckin’ goin’ at it like rabbits all the time, so I can’t really be shocked.” 

“Steven Edward Murphy! Jesus Christ!” Connie snapped, shooting Steve a dangerous glare, aggressively raising an eyebrow at her husband as she gestured towards you and Javi. 

“No, it’s okay, we don’t know for sure how many we want, but we figured if we had the space we’d add the rooms and even if they’re not bedrooms, they’ll still get used.” You had it in you enough to force a half smile across your face, flashing it at Steve and Connie before looking over at Javi. 

While you hadn’t expected much of a response from him given the current situation, what you weren’t expecting was the panic stricken look painting Javi from head to toe. 

If you weren’t already worried out of your mind about what the fuck was going on with Javi, you sure as fuck were now.  

“Uh, I um- yeah.”

Those were the only words Javi was able to choke out through the audible thumps pounding in his chest as his face went ghost white, eyes peeled to the ground. 

“See, Steve? You’re making them uncomfortable! You have absolutely no filter, I swear! I’m so sorry, you guys!” Connie frantically apologized, giving Steve another hardy slap in the stomach, making him wince. 

“I’m just jokin’, Jesus Christ, sorry!” Steve grumbled, holding up his hands in defense from his wife’s accusation, sheepishly looking over at you and Javi with a little shrug. 

“No, it’s uh- no, it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” You had given up on trying to be convincing at this point, your voice quietly shaking as you stared at Javi, now looking like a terrified, ragged shell of himself. 

What the fuck was going on? Did Javi want to wait to have kids? Did he not want to have that many? Was he having second thoughts about kids all together? Fuck, was he having second thoughts about getting married? He’s literally never acted like this before. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

You were sure at this point, you probably looked just as much of a mess as Javi did, letting your thoughts race wildly throughout your brain, the silence now lingering between the four of you now seemed to feel deafening, Connie beginning to pick up on the uneasiness festering between you and Javi and knowing she had enough common sense for her and Steve to pick up her cue to see herself out. 

“Well, still, I’m sorry. We should probably get going anyways, we told the sitter we’d be back around 6 so we should probably hit the road. Thank you so much for the tour! The shower was beautiful and I’m so glad I could be there for it. We’ll see you guys for the big day soon! Just let me know if you need any help with wedding stuff between now and then okay?” 

“Uh yeah, yeah of course. Thanks for all your help, Con. I’ll um- I’ll let you know if we need anything.” You stammered as Connie pulled you in for a hug goodbye, followed quickly by Steve, who planted a few pats on your back mid hug. 

“Bye sweetheart, thanks for letting me steal this asshole for golf today. See y’all when you’re gettin’ ready to get hitched! Adios, loser.” Steve chuckled as he pulled away from your hug to tug Javi into another, giving him an even harder pat on the back before letting Connie say her goodbyes as well. 

“Do you want me to walk you guys down to your-” 

“Nah, we’ll find our way out, no worries. Bye lovebirds, see ya soon.” Steve grinned, giving the both of you one last wave farewell before disappearing down the stairs, their hushed bickers about Steve’s unnecessary comments quietly trailing behind them. Before you could even get a word out to Javi now that the two of you were alone, he was already halfway down the stairs behind the Murphy’s, not even bothering to look back at you as he mumbled under his breath. 

“I’m gonna get the gifts out of the car and go sit outside.” 

“Jav, wait, I-” 

You could feel the lump beginning to swell in your throat, your bottom lip trembling with tears welling in your eyes as you watched Javi storm down the stairs without even so much as an attempt to care about what you had to say, leaving you with nothing but yourself and 5 empty bedrooms that now had you questioning everything you thought you knew about your future with Javi. You felt your body begin to collapse like a sad pile of jello as you melted into a sobbing puddle on the floor, bringing your knees to your chest as you cried into the flowy fabric of your dress, leaving wet stains behind from your tears. Your breaths were rapid and shaky with each muffled sob, trying to rationally grasp on to something, anything, as to why Javi was acting this way. But the more the gears frantically turned in your brain, the more irrational and terrifying your thoughts became. 

This all happened so fucking fast. It’s only been a year since I’ve known him. Is he realizing it’s too much? Am I too much? This was all too fucking good to be true, wasn’t it, you fucking idiot. 

Taking a few more minutes to collect yourself enough to at least stop full on sobbing, you wiped your wet cheeks with the back of your palm, inhaling a trembling deep breath as you mustered up every ounce of courage you could find to face whatever fate was waiting for you downstairs with Javi. 

Each step down the stairs felt heavier than the last, leaving your fingers anxiously drumming against your legs as you saw Javi’s broad body hunched over the side of the unfinished back patio, staring out to the tall grass of your backyard swaying in the warm summer breeze. If it were any other time, you would have rushed up behind him, wrapping your body around his back and attacking him with kisses until the two of you were wound up in a fit of laughter and giggles, happily tangled in each other's bodies. 

Right now, you were terrified to even step too close to him. 

Carefully and quietly sliding open the glass door to the porch, you prayed with every bone in your body you weren’t going to do anything that set Javi off enough to even let you attempt to have a conversation with him about what was going on. The new wood softly creaked under your shoes, making Javi turn his head just enough to acknowledge your presence as you wearily approached him. Taking one more deep breath, you opened your mouth to speak, but with your jaw hanging open, Javi’s words filled the stark silence before yours could. 

“I don’t know if we should get married.” 

Fuck. 

You could practically feel your heart sink to the bottom of your stomach, like the weight of 1,000 bricks had been dropped on your body all at once, hearing that come out of his mouth. You could have mentally tried to brace yourself for a lot of things, but hearing Javi tell you he didn't want to get married anymore sure as hell wasn't one of them.

“Javi, I- baby, what- I don’t- I don’t-” 

“Why the fuck do you even wanna marry me?” 

Your brows scrunched in pain and confusion at the sharp tone of his words, desperate to try and understand what point he was trying to prove in this gut wrenching game he seemed to be playing. 

“Because I- Javi, I- Javi I love you, that’s why.” you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper as you sat down next to him on the edge of the porch, leaning over enough to see the tears glistening down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy as he tried to stifle the sobs rumbling in his chest. He shook his head back and forth before his gaze fell into his lap. 

“You shouldn’t love me.” 

“Javi… what the fuck are you talking about?” you plead, feeling the pain and hurt creeping through your body as you watched the tears he was so desperately trying to fight. With a scornful scoff, Javi shook his head, pressing against his knees to stand, taking a few paces around the porch, burying his hands in his face, his words muffled and muted by his palms covering his mouth. 

“What the fuck am I- I’m not- I’m not what you deserve. I don’t understand how you don’t fucking see that.” 

You followed suit, bringing yourself to stand with your arms crossed tightly across your chest, staring at Javi in bewilderment, biting down on your tongue so hard to keep from bursting into tears you thought you were going to make it bleed. You could feel the storm of pain, anger and confusion brewing deep in the pit of your stomach, your body numb and mind blank. 

“Javier. What the fuck is going on? I don’t understand why-” 

“Because last time I was gonna get married I fucked up everything. For everyone. I hurt everyone I cared about. I went half way around the world and I spent a decade fucking things up even more. How do you know I’m not gonna fuck everything up again? I love you too much to let it happen to you. The thought of ever hurting you even half as I much as I’ve hurt anyone else because of my choices fucking kills me. I can’t do it. I can’t hurt you like I’ve hurt everyone else. I’d never fucking forgive myself. I love you more than anything, Osita. I love you more than anything in the world. You deserve someone who isn’t going to hurt you. Someone who will do right by you, by your family, your future children, I just- fuck- I don’t think that person can be me.” 

A deafening silence hung in the air as you stared blankly at Javi, tears streaming from his tormented brown eyes, his body trembling with devastation and regret. You had no doubt your body mirrored his as the guilt and heartbreak flooded you from head to toe, wondering how in the world you had ever let the man you loved and cared about more than anything feel like he wasn’t enough for you. 

You wished you could speak- to find the words to tell him that he was your everything, the glue that had put you back together when you were convinced there was nothing else that could mend the broken mess that you had become. You wished you could express to him that there was no one on the face of this earth that you would rather spend the rest of your life with than him- that there was no one else you wanted by your side through every moment of your life, the good, the bad and the ugly, more than him. You wished there was a way to tell him that you loved him more than anything, but in that moment, all you could do was grab him and wrap your arms around his waist, squeezing him as tightly as your body would let you, letting your wet face rest against the familiar warmth of his chest as you whispered into the soft fabric of his shirt. 

“Javier Peña, you’re the only person it could be.” 

You could feel his chest begin to rumble with heavy sobs as his arms draped around you, pulling you against his body so closely, it was like his life depended on it, like he couldn’t bear the thought of ever letting you go again. One arm stayed wrapped around your back as the other slid up the back of your neck, his broad palm cradling your head in his grasp, his fingers practically digging into your skin to keep you close as the two of you let yourselves do nothing but hold each other in your teary silence. 

You let one of your hands reach up towards Javi’s face, cupping his jaw and forcing his gaze back on to you, as your thumb traced back and forth along his cheek, wiping away the wetness that had been welling in his eyes. 

“I need you to listen to me, okay?” You asked, waiting until you felt Javi’s head gently nod up and down in understanding in your palm before you continued, “The man you were before doesn’t scare me. If it did, I would have been gone a long time ago. The man you were before has turned you into the man that you’ve become. The man that I want to spend everyday with for the rest of my life. Every good day, every bad day, every painful, hard and shitty day, and every day in between. And I promise that I will spend every last one of those days until the day I die trying my best to convince you that you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And if I die trying, then so be it. I love you, Javi. Don’t you ever think for a second that there is anyone out there that I want to spend the rest of my life with more than you, and I won’t ever let you forget it.” 

It was only moments before both of Javi’s hands were cradling your face, gently trembling as they cupped your soft, wet skin as you locked eyes with his, watching his face shift from terrified to bewildered, thinking he must have misheard what you had just said to him. 

“Osita, I-” 

“Promise me.” 

“Promise you what?” 

“Promise me that you believe me. Promise me that you know I love you more than anything.”

There was a part of Javi’s brain that wished he could find something to prove that he couldn’t. To prove he wasn’t worthy of keeping the promise you had made to him. To convince himself that he had no reason to believe he was worthy of the love you had given him.

But the truth was, for the first time that he could remember, as he looked down at you, the woman who had taken his life and forever changed it for the better, who had helped to heal him in ways he didn’t know he needed, who had cared for him in ways he never thought he deserved, and who had stood by him even as you learned about the ugliest parts of him he never thought he’d forgive himself for, Javier Peña finally realized he had learned what it was like to be worthy of love. 

You had made him realize he was worthy of being loved. 

A small gulp slid down his throat between his shaky breaths, taking a moment to soak in everything about you, before letting his lips ghost across yours as a quiet whisper left his mouth. 

“I promise.” 

And just like that, his lips crashed into yours with a ferocious and tender passion, soaking in every ounce of the sweet flavor of you, a taste he knew he would never tire of, one that he craved like nothing else. 

“I love you, Osita. Fuck, I love you so much.” Javi moaned between your kisses, praying with every bone in his body you knew how much he meant it. 

“I love you too, Javi.” The hot breath of your words danced across his lips before they were crashing together once again, his tongue swiping between your parted mouths as he ran his hand down your back and around your waist, pulling you so close you were convinced your bodies were going to melt into one as you pressed against his broad chest, now needily grasping at fist fulls of his shirt. 

In that moment, it was like the two of you could feel something in the air change. The tension lifting, the frustrated fog fading, the both of you desperately needing the other to know how much you loved them. The Javi you knew and loved had come back, returning home to you. All of the fear and sadness was replaced by a rampant desperation to know how much you needed him, almost as much as he needed to show you how hopelessly he craved you, too. 

With your bodies still tangled together, your kisses became messier and sloppier as you backed your way towards the door that lead inside, stumbling and trampling over each other’s feet without any regard for where you were headed until you felt your back bump against the kitchen island, the rounded edges of the countertop stopping you in your tracks as Javi caged you between his broad figure and the island. 

Both of your hands were now feverishly roaming across each other’s bodies before Javi had run his hands down your thighs, hoisting you up to sit on the countertop, planting hot, wet kisses across your neck and collarbone while his fingers crept under the hem of your dress, his palms sliding up and down your legs, digging his fingers into your flesh. 

“Javi…” You whimpered, letting your eyes close and head fall back as he sucked at your pulse point, leaving you with one hand bracing yourself against the edge of the counter and the other with your fingers wrapped around the navy fabric of Javi’s shirt, clinging on for dear life. 

You eyes opened, and gaze shifted downwards as you felt Javi pull away from your grasp, watching him drop to his knees, slotting himself between your parted legs and kissing the inside of your thighs while his hands tugged at the waistband of your already soaked underwear, hastily shuffling them to fall down your legs and pool at your ankles. His needy kisses up your thighs crept closer and closer to your core as your legs draped over his shoulders, kneeling before you like you were the altar of everything he worshiped as his deep brown eyes looked up at yours, like he was begging for forgiveness for his sins. 

“I’m so sorry, Osita. I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. Fuck, I love you so much. Let me show me how much I love you. Please, baby. Please let me show you how much I need to be yours.” 

Your response was nothing but a ragged moan as you felt his hot breath hovering over your cunt before letting long, flat licks of his tongue drag through your folds, each swipe pressing firmer than the last, lapping up the arousal dripping from your entrance like a sweet nectar. With one hand still white knuckling the edge of the countertop, the other shot down to bury itself in the dark curls of Javi’s thick locks, tugging at ends to find some place to ease your tension as he began to flick and swirl his tongue relentlessly against your clit, lapping you up like a man starved. 

“Oh fuck Javi- fuck- you feel so good, baby.” You moaned, raking your fingers along Javi’s scalp as you watched his head bob nestled between your legs, feeling the low hum of satisfaction thrumming in his throat as he began to suck your sensitive bundle of nerves, latching his lips around your clit as his mouth worked feverishly against your cunt. You could already feel the tingle beginning to grow at the base of your spine and spread to your legs as Javi found every sweet spot that he knew made you lose all control, desperate to make you feel how much he needed your love and forgiveness. 

“That’s it, sweet girl. Let go for me baby, I’ve got you.” Javi hummed before diving back between your legs, tightening his grip around your thighs as his tongue danced around your clit relentlessly. It wasn’t long before you could feel your orgasm begin to flood your body, pleasure crashing through you as you cried out his name, a death grip clutching around the counter and Javi’s dark locks. Javi worked you through your high, drinking up the juices of your slick as you came, feeling your legs tremble as they stayed slung over his broad shoulders, not stopping until your body was shaking and your whimpers and moans had become so wrecked, he had no choice but to stop to relish in the blissed out, dripping mess he had made you. He would have loved to stay like this forever, watching you become more and more wrecked beneath his tongue, the want, no, need, to be buried inside your heat, getting lost in your wetness and warmth, savoring in the way no one else would ever be able to have you like he did, to know that you were his. 

Javi worked in a determined silence, rusting with his belt buckle until the metal clangs of it opening had his pants and boxers in a puddle around his ankles, splaying kisses across your neck as he slid you towards the edge of the counter, his fingers digging into your hips with a bruising intensity. He stroked himself a few times as he lined his cock up with your entrance, guiding his tip through the glistening arousal covering your folds, leaving his dick shiny with your slick as you whimpered into his skin. 

“Javi… Please, baby. I need you.” You whimpered, instinctively bucking your hips towards him, desperately craving him to ease the achy emptiness between your legs. 

Resting his forehead against yours, the dark, damp curls of his hair brushed your skin, the hot and heavy heat of each of your shaky breaths melting into one another’s as your lips ghosted his, only fully meeting yours to catch the moan that had escaped your mouth as he pushed himself into your heat, letting himself bottom out, his tip brushing against your cervix. You couldn’t help but wrap your legs around the small of his back and drape your arms over his shoulders, desperate to have your bodies needily tangled and intertwined together as you savored in the sweet sting and stretch of his fullness. 

He began to rock his hips, letting his cock drag in and out of your cunt, taking his time with each stroke, the movement making you dig your fingernails into the fabric of his shirt stretched over his muscular back, in turn, making the grip he had around your waist even tighter, his fingers buried in the soft flesh of your stomach where his hands had crept under your dress. 

The way he punched up into you, perfectly pounding against your g-spot with each thrust, combined with the way the hairs at his base rubbed along your clit, already had the inevitable coil beginning to tighten in your belly. You dug your nails deeper into Javi’s skin, grasping for the damp curls at the nape of his neck, your whimpers growing louder and more desperate with each stroke as you could feel yourself beginning to crumble beneath him. 

Each stroke seemed to become deeper and fuller than the last, Javi’s pace now climbing in speed and intensity as he felt your cunt clench tighter and tighter around his cock, knowing that familiar feeling meant you were coming closer to your end. You could barely muster anything but a whimper, your soft pleads and begs going straight to his dick as he slid and out of your wet heat. 

“Fuck baby, don’t stop- ahhhh- please don’t stop, I’m so close.” 

The lewd sounds of skin hitting skin and low, ragged moans echoed against the bare walls of your unfinished kitchen as Javi fucked deeper and deeper into you, singing sweet, soft praises against your skin between locking your lips with yours. 

“Fuck- Dámelo, Hermosa (Give it to me, beautiful). Need to feel you soak my cock before I fuck you full of me. It’s okay mi amor- mierda- té tengo. (my love- shit- I’ve got you.) I’ve always got you. Forever.” 

You could feel your legs lock even tighter around Javi’s waist as heat began to bloom in your belly, only needing a few more thrusts as you rolled your hips against his before your mind went blank and vision went white, your orgasm crashing through your body and flooding every inch of you with pleasure so intense, you could feel yourself going limp in his grasp. 

“Fuck, Javi, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh my god-ahhhhhhhh-” You whimpered as Javi fucked you through your high, now desperate to chase his own as his thrusts became rushed and sloppy, pounding into you as your walls gripped around his cock like a vice. Your warmth and wetness consumed him, only needing a few more pumps before he could feel himself following suit, hissing through gritted teeth as incoherent babbles spilled from his lips. 

“There it is, baby. Fuck- fuck, you’re so fucking perfect. I love you so much, Osita. Con todo mi corazón. (With my whole heart). Oh fuck- I’m yours forever. Oh shit, I’m gonna cum to, oh fuckkkkkk.” 

With one last thrust, Javi finished buried deep inside you, hot ropes of his cum coating your walls as a slick mixture of spend leaked down your thighs, leaving him panting while he slumped into your shoulder, his chest heaving with labored breaths, trying to compose himself. Bracing himself with one palm flat against the counter next to your hip, his other hand reached up to your face, brushing away a piece of stray hair back into place before gently cupping your cheek as he spoke. 

“Osita, baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I didn’t mean what I said earlier, I just- fuck- I’ve never been so sure of anything, but when we were at golf today, Steve brought up Lorraine, and I- I just was so scared I was gonna fuck everything up again, and I-” 

“Oh God, he brought up Lorraine?! Jesus. I knew it. I knew this was Steve’s fucking fault.” You sighed, quietly laughing to yourself as you shook your head. 

“Wait, how did you-” 

“Because it just seemed so strange that you were acting like this all of a sudden. You got back from golfing with him and it was like you were a different person. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I was freaked out and panicking wondering what happened because you’ve never acted like that before. That, and because I love Steve, but he’s an idiot.” The two of you were both now laughing, Javi rubbing his hand over his face before rolling his eyes, wondering to himself how he had really let his friend’s stupid comment get the best of him. 

“I’m so sorry, Osita. I should have just ignored it, I just hadn’t thought about it in so long and I was so terrified to mess everything up again. It would kill me to hurt you like that.” His thumb circled around your cheek as he tilted your gaze to meet his, sincerity and remorse swirling in the dark pools of his chocolate brown eyes. 

“Javi, listen, if this is moving too fast, or it’s too much for you, I want you to be able to tell me, I understand if-” Before you could finish your sentence, Javi’s lips were planted tenderly against yours, pulling away from your mouth with a goofy grin and satisfied sigh. 

“I promise you, I’ve never wanted anything more. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I can’t wait to marry you,” he leaned in, pressing a quick kiss on your cheek, “I can’t wait to live in our new house with you,” he grinned, planting another ticklish kiss on your neck, “I can’t wait until we can finally start filling up these empty rooms with little baby Peñas” Javi chuckled, now peppering kisses all over your body, making you erupt in a fit of laughter and giggles, squirming and flailing in his grasp, playfully swatting at him. “I can’t wait to spend every day for the rest of my life with the most beautiful, amazing woman I’ve ever met.” He smirked, tilting his head to let your mouths meet again, this kiss filled with a tender passion and intensity unmatched by his previous playful ones. 

It was the kind of kiss that said all of the things that words couldn’t. The kind of kiss that had butterflies fluttering in your stomach like the first kiss you had shared in Maria’s bathroom almost a year ago. The kind of kiss that made you fall even deeper in love with him, even when you thought you couldn’t. 

It was also the kind of kiss  where everything else in the world seemed to melt away and make time stand still, a kiss that you could have stayed lost in forever… unless a certain someone hadn’t forgotten his wallet at your house and needed to come back and get it. 

You were so oblivious to anything else happening around you, that neither you or Javi had heard your front door open, followed by the rushed, impatient footsteps of Steve and Connie, arguing about where Steve could have left his wallet, and how on earth he could have left without realizing it was missing from its usual home in his back pocket. 

“Seriously, Steve, I can’t believe we’re gonna waste a whole hour having to turn around and come back here because you couldn’t remember your wallet!” 

“Con, I told you, it’s right on the counter, I know where it is, lemme just go grab it really quick and then we ca- Oh Jesus fucking Christ!” Steve shouted, walking into the kitchen to see you and Javi making out on your island, your dress pushed up well past your legs, and Javi’s bare ass on display from his pants still pooling around his ankles. 

“Ahhhhh!” You and Javi shrieked, practically jumping out of your skin to see Steve’s tall and lanky frame frozen in your kitchen, now scrambling to try and fix your clothes and hair to try and save yourselves at least some dignity. 

“What the hell are you two doin’?!” Steve grimaced, trying not to cackle to himself as Connie rushed up behind him to see what was happening, only to very quickly cover her eyes and turn away from you and Javi. 

“Us?! What the hell are you doing here? Jesus, you ever heard of fucking knocking, Murph?!” Javi groaned, shuffling his pants back up and fixing his hair before helping you off the counter, trying your best to hide your beet red, embarrassed face. 

“I forgot my wallet! Forgive me for thinkin’ you two would keep your hands off each other for long enough to let me come pick it up in peace.” Steve frowned, raising up his hands in defense. 

“I’m sorry! I told him to call you to let you know he was coming to pick it up, but he seemed to think it wasn’t a big deal.” Connie scolded, giving Steve a forceful nudge of her elbow before finally turning back around to face you and Javi, knowing you were at least halfway decent. “God, I love you, but you are an idiot.” 

“You can say that again…” You snickered under your breath, just loud enough to make Javi and Connie join in your laughter, leaving Steve with his arms crossed over his chest, rolling his eyes in annoyance. 

“Hey, listen. Call me what you want, but I don’t think you’ll be callin’ me an idiot when you need me to come babysit your 47 kids so the two of you can get some…” He paused gesturing to you and Javi’s disheveled state, “... time to yourselves. Like I said earlier, y’all gotta lot of rooms to fill, and I don’t think you’re gonna have any problem doin’ it.” 

And for as much as you wanted to give Steve the ten pounds of shit he deserved, as you looked up at Javi standing next to you, you couldn’t really even bring yourself to be mad. Because in the end, the only thing that mattered was him- the man you were going to spend the rest of your life with. The one who was your future, the one who stood with you through every twist and turn, the one who was your home. What started as a day that had you questioning everything had turned into one that had never made you feel more assured. You knew that Javier Peña loved you more than life itself, and you knew that you were so lucky to spend the rest of your life getting to prove to him over and over that you loved him just as much. 

Taglist:

@cool-iguana @rhoorl @whyjuliaaa @bbiophiliaa @pertinentpostmortem @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @pedrobaby @fatima-marisa @beboldbebravethings @poodlebae @kittenlittle24 @3sriracha @jungchloee @perennialdoll247 @prettyinpunk85 @partyofone3413 @harriedandharassed @pedrohoe04 @theorganasolo @endlessthxxghts @beware-my-thorns @missladym1981 @messinadress @milly-louise @jay-zzle @the-one-with-the-grey-color @persephone-girl @bitchesuntitled @pedropascallvr @millennial-teenybopper @nastiasnow @vee-bees-blog @hopplessilse @mxtokko @its-nebuleuse @mandoisapunk @msmorningstaarr

[the-s1lly-corner]

tadc cast with a s/o who hates touch.

BUT when they finally get comfortable with the characters they get soooo touchy (as in hugs ,hand holding etc)

Sorry if i didnt make myself clear

And thank you for your work!! ;)

TADC cast x reader who's warming up to touch!

So sorry for taking so long to get to this anon <\3!! I recently went back to writing on mobile due to back pain from sitting at my computer and it's really done a number on my efficiency <\3

That said I hope you enjoy!

Side note does anyone know any tips on how to soothe sore throats? Preferably not with honey because honey naoes my throat swell and itch 😭😭

This post ended up being waaaaaay longer than I first intended so I hope yall are ready to eat up

LAST MINUTE NOTE I misread/misinterpreted this as "reader finally taking a step towards initiating affection for the first time" and not "they're already comfortable and LOVE touch" I am so so dumb but I already have this written <\3 I hope you enjoy this regardless anon 😭😭😭

CAINE:

I think Caine would struggle with the no touching thing especially since I see him being very affectionate both verbally and physically. That said I do think he eventually gets the hang of it and stops himself from throwing his arms around you for a hug... he amps up the verbal affirmations to make up for it though! He doesnt wanna make you unhappy so hes gonna respect your boundaries and take things slow!

As for when you start easing yourself into it, I think he would try to not make a big deal out of it, as not to risk embarrassing you. As someone who doesnt like touch as well as being hesitant to initiate it, I think I wouldnt want a big hoorah about it you know? But that's just me

He does subtly know hes proud of you for being able to take that step, even if you two are only holding hands via linking your pinkies together

POMNI:

I dont think pomni would be crazy about touch imo, she seems like the type to seize up when you touch her without warning. And I'm not saying that as something to be ashamed of because honestly me too. So I think this is one where you both need to have heavy communication in order to push past that and get used to touching one another ! Team work makes the dream work or however the saying goes

That said imagine you two grab each others hands bc something startles you/you both run from something (be it a prank from jax or an IHA or an abstracted) and you both just

Stare down at your interlocked hands. Experimentally squeezing each other before both relaxing into it

I think that would be a cute idea

RAGATHA:

Just like caine she is so so understanding. But unlike caine, she doesnt struggle all that much with trying go restrain from giving you physical affection. Ragatha naturally shows her love through quality time and gift giving, so she doesnt often feel the urge to wrap her arms around you, much less unprompted. Especially with your discomfort in mind

In the event that you come over to her, maybe lay your head on her shoulder while shes reading, I think she would stiffen up a little out of surprise, before gently leaning her heads against yours. Its nice, its quiet, and its comfortable. You two both peacefully exist like that for a while... good thing you guys probably dont have organs because ragathas heart would be pounding so fast, shes just so proud of you that the adrenaline kind of gets to her

JAX:

I think this might be the main one where there may be conflict.

Not because jax belittles your discomfort or tries to push the boundaries. No, I dont think he would, especially when you two get serious. Like would he probably poke you in the beginning before realizing it genuinely brings great discomfort? Yes. Would he stop when he finds out it's an issue for you? Also yes. Again, hes an asshole but I dont think he would be outright ab*sive

No, the reason why I think kay there may be conflict is because behind closed doors, jax can be very clingy and physically touchy, he would want to lay on top of you and hold you and that kind of stuff. That one ask with clingy jax hcs changed me

I think, if you ever try to initiate touch first he would say something kind of mean before he can stop himself. "About time" or something. Like he means it lightheartedly but like. He immediately regrets it, especially since that can just be so... eidkcmc.. when you're trying to come out of your shell in regards to something

Easily has the worst reaction, make him sleep on the metaphorical couch

I think he would do anything to fix that though, you're his lil bun afterall

KINGER:

Kinger is big on touch, he likes handholding and putting his hand on your shoulder. But ultimately he would respect you and not touch you.. honestly kinger can be the same way depending on the day. Either he hates touch and doesnt want anyone or anything touching him, or he needs to be held in order to keep his mind set straight. Poor guy. He just like me frfr.

Honestly gets a little spooked when you gently set your head on his lap, announcing you're going to take a nap while you two hang out in the pillow fort. Kind of gives a soft and surprised "oh!" Before going as still as a statue. Does he stay put? Does he run his hand through your hair? Does he keep up his bug ramble? Does he pipe down?

Ultimately he sits there quietly while you sleep

Expects that to be a one time thing, but he notices you're slowly becoming more physically affectionate. He outwardly shows his support and pride for you

ZOOBLE:

Another one who doesnt really like touch, but instead of it being a discomfort it's just a "I dont like it" thing you know? I mean what did you expect? Zooble doesnt interact much with people unless they're forced to, so it makes sense that touch isnt their thing. So this actually works out very well for you two.

Just like the pomni segment, you guys are going to have to do a lot of communication in regards to introducing stuff like cuddling and hand holding ect into the relationship and finding what works for you while keeping both parties satisfied. I think in the end zooble would be supportive, and even try to esse themselves into the whole thing. So you dont have to do it alone, you know?

GANGLE:

Honestly I think shes too shy and/or unconfident to initiate physical affection herself so the topic never really came up. Which... is a bit odd since it regards a comfort thing for you as well as gangle possibly thinking that you dont enjoy her company; assuming you never really tell her that touch brings you discomfort

But because we love healthy stuff here, let's assume you guys set down boundaries and stuff before getting together

I still think gangle would have some teeny tiny feeling that they arent the best for you. She knows its unfair to think that for both of you, but like. Its one of those nagging mean voices we all have/get at some point, you know?

Probably lets out a little squeak when you slowly wrap one of her arms around your hand and wrist. Kind of just stands there frozen. Too scared to speak up or move, fearing she would ruin the moment

Honestly I think gangle isnt used to touch (that isnt neutral or in passing), so this is going to be a little experience for her. You're both in this together now, basically

[softxsuki]

Could I request a letter for your Valentines Day Letter Event? I would love love LOVE a letter from baji. We've been friends since middle school and we became offical when we went to the same University. (He does veterinary medicine and I do art.) I'm 20 and he's 21 (dating for a couple of years at the time of him writting ir) and well... he does call me a variety of pet names depending on his mood (just wanna be call dollface/cutie). TONE: I'm thinking about a hurt to comfort letter where I get hurt/bullied (harassed and peer pressured by bullies and idk how to response bc i thought uni wasn't the place for bullying and high school drama. Guess not 💀) and he saves me but I don't respond bc i feel week and I should have done something instead of waiting for him ro come save me and I just feel undeserving of his love and isolate myself in my dorm (we live in different dorms). Baji not being sure on what to do/not wanting to pressure me (ik he isn't like this but shhh it's for the sake of the letter) write a letter expressing how much he genuinely cares for me and loves me (without it being out of character) and that I'm not alone and I have him. Location: it takes place at uni (so he slips it through underneath the door. After I read it, he comes in and we just cuddle and watch a movie (whilst hes holding me in his strong arms. He stays the night and makes me breakfast, also he "talks" to my bullies so that when I see them again they all run away 🏃 (they want no smoke). Other information: I'm usually the more affectionate one between us and like he reciprocates (was quite shy at first but warmed up to it and how he starts it... it gets a little heated sometimes if he's jealous 😳). I hope I'm not coming off as ooc by saying this (please correct me if I am). I feel like baji is somewhat reserved in public (unless he's jealous) like the most he'll do if give me a kiss or a brief hug (maybe ruffle my hair) but like o can tell he cares. I can't proprrly articulate it but he isn't just a feral troublemaker, he's more than that (acts of service - giving me water, snacks if so I don't get hungry or thirsty/reminding me to like eat and hydrate. Also I can confinde him about anything and he won't judge me for it. Also he doesn't judge me for my autism (actually G checks and fucks up anyone who tries it) and he doesn't care if I'm stimming or pacing around and like it's just really nice to not be seen as weird. Also like he's really attentive like if I'm having a shitty day he wont just not say anything, he'll pick up on it and do his dammest to make it go away. Like giving me advice (amazing if not a bit blunt), or doing what he can. Also I sometimes draw portraits and art of him bc I love him (and my hobby is art) and even if he insists I don't need to. I always make sure to buy him gifts (new cat toys/food, veterinary resources, yskisoba and snacks, etc) bc I want to give back to him.

But yeah that's all there is to it. I hope it isn't too much. Thank you for accepting my request and letting me send this in.

I hope you have a nice day. Ur amazing.

Baji's Comforting Letter to His Girlfriend

This event is now CLOSED, but you can view the masterlist for the other letters here.

| Pairing: Baji x Fem!Reader | Genre: Comfort, Fluff | Post-Type: Letter | Word Count: 1.1k|

Warnings: mentions of bullying, reader feels a little insecure

Note: Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you enjoy your letter from Baji :)

Baji feels awkward standing in front of your dorm door, his letter grasped between his fingers. You had run away from him a few days ago after he helped you out upon seeing your classmates harass you. Not knowing what to say after that, he gave you your space, but you still hadn’t reached out to him at all.

Worry filled him after your silence. Were you upset with him for some reason that he didn’t immediately reach out to you? Anxiety bubbled up within him as he stood outside your dorm room. It was Valentine’s Day and while that usually meant just staying indoors and ordering takeout with you like any other date, Baji felt like he had to do something extra for you this year to cheer you up. 

He wasn’t used to expressing his affection for you verbally, especially not in a letter since his handwriting was horrible and he couldn’t spell to save his life, but this is what lots of guys did for their girlfriends, right? Maybe it would help you feel better.

Swallowing his pride and brushing his embarrassment away, he slips the letter under your door and knocks a few times before rushing to hide behind a nearby wall so you wouldn’t see him.

You, busy sulking on your own in your dorm, jump slightly at the sudden knock on your door. You were  embarrassed that you had run away from your boyfriend after he helped you out. Of course you were grateful for his help and having him protect you like that sent butterflies erupting in your stomach, but you had let your classmates' words get to you. You felt undeserving of Baji’s love, how could you possibly deserve his attention when you were just you?

Sighing, you stand from your bed that you were wallowing away on, and approach your door, seeing an envelope in front of it. Curiously, you pick it up and see your name written on it. You look through the peephole of your dorm door but don’t see anyone outside it, opening the door slightly just to make sure no one was there, before closing it again.

You take a seat on your bed again as you open the envelope and begin to read its contents;

Hey Dollface,

Did I scare you off the other day? Or were you embarrassed that I found out you were getting picked on? You know I don’t care about things like that, but I wish you had told me yourself so I could have helped you out sooner. Don’t worry about those idiots, they won’t bother you again, in fact, no one will bother you again, I’ve made it very clear to them that they shouldn’t mess with my girl…

I’m sorry if I upset you for not running after you and giving you space. I should have looked for you and comforted you right away. But just…don’t feel like you’re alone. We’re partners, I want to share the pain you feel and I want to know when someone is bothering you so I can sort it out quickly. I love you too much to see you throw yourself down like that. If anything, I’m the one undeserving of you.

Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day and I heard guys write stupid letters like these or something, so here it is. I really don’t get it, but if it makes you happy then good. I love you.

From,

You know who, do I really need to say it??

You smile to yourself as you read the letter, it was so like him. Super curt, straight to the point,  and probably took him forever to write out properly since the grammar and spelling were perfect. You read through the letter one more time, your eyes always stopping at his words ‘my girl’. You were his girl, despite how many times you may have thought you didn’t deserve his love, Baji would never pretend to be interested in you, he knew what he wanted, and that was you.

The only thing you’d ever picture him doing is pushing you away if you were ever in danger because of him. But he’d never lead you on and pretend to care for you, so why were you so worried in the first place?

You laugh to yourself and quickly grab your things, wanting to see him as soon as possible. Two days without being in his arms was long enough. You open your dorm door, but you definitely don’t expect to see your handsome man in front of you already. He backs you up into your dorm room and closes the door behind him, his eyes never leaving yours.

You could see his red ears, hinting as his embarrassment from his letter, but he still stood tall, his confidence never leaving. 

“Did you read it?” He asks, a hand coming up to rub your arms.

Baji had never been one to initiate affection with you, but since dating you for a while and getting used to your touchiness, he finds himself reaching out to you first now more often. He loves it.

“Mhm, thank you,” you smile, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. “I loved it, and I love you. Thank you for stepping in the other day for me…and I’m sorry for running off on you like that without a word, I just felt embarrassed.”

He shakes his head and laughs huskily, pulling you into his arms, his chin leaning on your shoulder as he squeezes you tight, “You don’t need to apologize. It’s my job to look out for you, just know that they won’t be bothering you again. They know what’ll happen if they do.”

You hug him back, missing the feeling of having his arms around you

“I’m sure you did. Thank you,” you hum, before a teasing smile graces your lips, “Happy Valentine’s Day. Such a romantic gesture to threaten my ‘bullys’ for me.”

He groans in your neck, guiding you back to your bed where he pushes you back into the mattress, hovering over you, “Yeah yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day. As long as you’re happy.”

And happy you were as he leaned down to pepper kisses all over your face.

Your day of love was spent cuddled up together with a movie playing in the background as Baji later attempts to cook brunch since it was still early on in the day. It wasn’t perfect, but you could care less as long as you got to spend it with him, that’s all that mattered.

Posted: 2/14/2024

[starglitterz]

WILL U INFO FUMP ABOUT ELYSIAN NOW

HIIII MISHA !!!!!! YOU BET I WILL 💯💯💯 (sorry i couldn't answer earlier i've been so busy all day T_T)

ok SO here is the official elysian masterlist !! i posted it ages ago but i clearly forgot to add it to my main masterlist (like the dumbass i am), but moving on 🏃‍♀️ it's basically a series / request event thingy that i posted bc of my most recent milestone !!! which is kinda crazy bc i never expected to have this many followers like EVER . . . im super grateful for yall 🥺💕

BUT i digress. so i've posted brainrots which essentially make up the whole 'plot' of elysian (which i will not be linking here bc spoilers LMAO) but tldr; yn is a normal person who somehow loses both their job & home in one day, then SURPRISE they meet aether (childhood best friend w whom they kinda lost contact) at a coffee shop, aether & yn talk for a bit and aether finds out what happened and offers yn both a job & a new home ! *cue the happy music* HOWEVER there are obviously conditions and whatever, one of which is that yn is NOT ever allowed to go into the office behind the main shop where they'll be working (it's a flower shop btw !!) yn is like 'damn im not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth' and moves in. then theyre like 'oh man. why does aether have so many pretty boys working for him???????? and are the ppl this side of town just generally hotter bc i swear my customers are so fine-' then yn finds out their (aether & co's) secret. which is kinda wattpad-ish if im being honest but its okay im a sucker for overused cliches LMSKDJS

and THEN it is all up to my beloved followers to send in requests abt anything they'd like to see set within this universe !! lowk i'll write some on my own even if it isnt requested bc istg i have so many ideas but like AAA im so excited to see what everyone will think 😭 and if nobody reqs it just means more freedom and less work for me 🤭😋 (copium) HAHAHA ok sorry does this make sense at all?????? if not im rlly sorry babe i just started talking and didnt stop WAKJDSKJD but yes i am SO hyped for this and i will most probably drop ch1 tonight if i can get my act tgt and finish it LOL but pls lmk what u think!!!!!! i posted it on impulse so i genuinely don't know if this is the type of thing anyone would enjoy JKSDKS

[butterysalt]

🌿✨🎀🎀 (that's right TWO compliments, and here's one from me too bc you deserve them all: i love the way your fics feel like they take place in a universe full of life and detail even around the main characters or events. even the shorter ones still feel like you have a detailed picture of who the characters are and what parts of them you want to portray or focus on, and it makes reading that much smoother and more immersive!)

OH MY GODDDD BEANIE YOU'RE THE SWEETEST. Genuinely teared up over here... I get so happy whenever I get any kind of message notif but AGH??? SO DETAILED? CRYING.

(Fic writer asks here!)

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Ahhh this is a big question! I like creating! But it can certainly be daunting sometimes... I think it's because I mostly do art. I find myself enjoying it less these days since I'm usually drawing for others in return for money. I keep taking commissions because I need money but it does take the joy out of creating sometimes. But whenever I do get to sit down and draw something I really enjoy, it's cathartic. It reminds me of why I still draw - it's that amazing gift I have to be able to make anything I want with my hands. And it fuels me with passion! I get really excited to see what else I can make! I have my ruts here and there but ultimately, I see creativity as a beautiful outlet and I'm really grateful for it. This all applies to writing too, of course!

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

ueihfjidsjgdsi I'm tempted to list one of my wips BECAUSE I DO NOT POST ENOUGH HELP DSDSFIJGD

If I had to pick, probably my John Watson x Reader Soulmate AU fic "A Silent Fate"! I thought it was a flop so I never had the motivation to finish it, but it's still one of my favorite ideas.

It uses the soulmate AU where everyone has the first words their soulmate says to them written on their arm. The twist is that the reader is mute! John Watson goes about his life, assuming that he simply doesn't have a soulmate - that theory further hardened after meeting Sherlock Holmes, a man who breaks all conventionality and rejects conformity. Then one day, the reader and John cross paths and the reader has to get creative with how they "talk" with John.

I really really love this idea because I'm all about "thinking outside of the box" and challenging myself with something uncommon. I don't think I see many mute!reader fics let alone mixed with the soulmate au so I wanted to give it a shot! I have the whole story drafted out... it's just unfortunate because I haven't felt the same way about the BBC Sherlock characters in a while ahaha

🎀🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

GAAHHH TWO!!! hmmm hmmmh mmm

✦ I like that my fics are long! It's something I get self-conscious of sometimes but I think it really shows how passionate I am about a fic when I can't stop writing. Because I really love adding all those little details and getting into the worldbuilding - it's my favorite part (the setup)!! I love the feeling of reading a good story that feels like it comes to life around me with characters who feel like real people. That's what I hope to achieve in my writing

✦ Another thing I like about my writing is ummm umumummum I like the way I write dialogue! Coming back to "making characters feel like real people", I LOVE writing extremely awkward pauses and fumbles in written dialogue (Explains why I love writing Reigen so much). Adding those "Um... erm... well-" and "AhaHAH-" just adds flavor and I'm way too obsessed with it

THANK YOU FOR THE ASKS AHHHH THIS WAS SO FUN!! ILYSM BEANIE 💗💗💗

[perperam]

Do you have any Harlivy fic recommendations? Preferably something that is already completed?

OH I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE

okay okay so quick little tangent fact !! I actually just finished my undergrad degree in "english literature analysis & writing" and reading fics is so fun bc I get to analyze them and break them down and if it's particularly well written the stars align and it's just UGH so good. 

ratings are: E (explicit) M (mature) T (teens and up) and G (everyone) anyways here is a HUGE list of my favorite fics to date, their stats/details/plots, reasonings as to why they're on the list to begin with, and a short analysis:

SHORT STORIES (less than 30k words)

for your convenience they’re in order of length bc I’m focusing on this super hard rn

KISS YOUR BEST FRIEND CHALLENGE (T)  STATS — 340 words, shenanigans, fluff PLOT — Harley, TikTok and general Social Media queen, decides to do the trending challenge to kiss your best friend. The best friend? Her roommate and the woman she’s been crushing on for fucking ever: Poison Ivy.

AM I TOO CLOSE? (CAUSE YOU FOLD INTO ME LIKE A HEART WITH A BEAT) (G) STATS — 839 words, fluff, shenanigans PLOT — Harley genuinely wasn’t looking for trouble, but it’s hard to just have a day out when you’re one of Gotham’s most wanted. Running into Ivy, she takes drastic measures (and her hoodie into the mix) to distract the police from looking in their direction.

I’M HOME (G) STATS — 892 words, domestic fluff PLOT — After a long and rough day at work, Ivy comes home to Harley. Relaying the details of her day, she basks in the comfort of her girlfriend, who provides gentle questions and is a phenomenal listener. General cuteness.

CONFLICT DIAMONDS (G) STATS — 990 words, wedding shenanigans, banter, humor PLOT — Batman and Renee Montoya respond to a break-in at a jewelry store, except even though the owner is duct-taped to the wall, it isn’t really a break-in; Harley’s just trying to shop for a ring for Ivy, and that’s difficult to do when the owner is screaming in the corner. Batman and Renee both pitch in to help pick something nice for Harley’s girl, resulting in hilarious banter.

OF COURSE (T) STATS — 1.1k words, hurt/comfort (kinda), harley quinn animated tv show centric PLOT — In the aftermath of Ivy’s death, rebirth, and the fall of Joker Tower, Harley collapses onto the ground. Since she never mentioned that her parents are the reason for most of her injuries, Ivy isn’t sure why she’s so out of it.

PERFECT MORNINGS (T) STATS — 1.1k words, domestic fluff/bliss PLOT — Ivy, who usually wakes up early and before Harley, takes a moment to look at the countless muscles, ridges, scars, and tattoos on Harley’s body as she sleeps. General cuteness.

I’D LOVE TO CHECK YOU OUT (T) STATS — 1.7k words, university au, fluff PLOT — Harley visits the library virtually every day, and it’s definitely not because she needs to work on her university courses and homework. She finally works up the courage to speak to the alluring redhead she sees there every day while absentmindedly looking at a book on sharks. 

I’LL LOVE YOU IN THE MORNING (NOON, NIGHT) (T) STATS — 2.1k words, angst, hurt/comfort PLOT — A snapshot look into Ivy and how she comes to know, care, and love all the sides of Harley—from psychiatrist to criminal to girlfriend. She loves her throughout it all. 

DAY-DREAMING (T) STATS — 2.2k words, shenanigans, psychiatrist Harleen PLOT — Ivy’s falling for her psychiatrist—her humorous, intelligent, caring, and downright gorgeous psychiatrist. It’s difficult, to say the least.

WHAT HAPPENS IN THEMYSCIRA (DOESN’T) STAY IN THEMYSCIRA (T) STATS — 2.3k words, humor, wedding shenanigans, angst with a happy ending PLOT — In a surprise twist of events, Harley and Ivy were drunkenly married at Themyscira. When asked at the wedding if anybody had objections to the union of Ivy and Chuck, Wonder Woman and the Queen of Themyscira herself come to object. Ivy, for lack of a better word, wants to die a little.

NOT A ROCKER CHICK (T) STATS — 3.1k words, rock band au, fluff PLOT — The last thing Ivy wants to do is go to a rock band concert with her best friend, Selina. Despite her best efforts, she can’t help but completely fall into the rhythm of the band and their music, so different than her own norm. And okay, maybe the singer (who Selina was friends with and called “Harley”) was also kinda hot...

A TENDER HEART AMONG THE GREEN (T) STATS — 3.2k words, gotham city sirens raise Lucy au, domestic bliss PLOT — Harley and Selina come back home to the apartment to find Ivy passed out asleep with Lucy cuddling into the crook of her neck and Selina’s cats cuddling her legs. Knowing that Ivy would rather be caught dead than in such a compromising situation (after all, she is the Poison Ivy, who “hates humans”) the two take a photo, since it lasts longer. Shenanigans and cuteness ensue.

BUILDING YOUR GIRL’S SECOND STORY (M) STATS — 3.3k words, university/grad school au, angst with a happy ending PLOT — Snapshots of Harley’s battle with her violent and abusive boyfriend, Jack, and the way in which Bruce, his boyfriend Clark, and her best friend (and potentially lover) Pamela all love Harley and will do anything, anything, to make sure she gets the help, care, and love she needs.

A DIFFERENT KIND OF NORMAL (T) STATS — 3.6k words, coronavirus pandemic/quarantine au, family au PLOT — Ivy is requested by the Justice League to help create and manufacture a vaccine for the COVID-19 virus. As she works on the vaccine, she video calls Harley and their daughter Lucy, both of whom miss her very much. 

RABBIT IN THE GARDEN (T) STATS — 4.4k words, implied suicide attempt, hard angst PLOT — Winters are difficult to Ivy. When Harley comes home one day to see her submerged fully in water in the bathtub, the only thing Harley can do is cry and take her out. Ultimately Ivy is alright—but it doesn’t make it any easier.

WE WILL BE (EVERYTHING THAT WE’D EVER NEED) (T) STATS — 5.8k words, high school au, angst, hurt/comfort PLOT — Harley and Ivy are best friends from high school, living in the middle of Arizona. Ivy is absolutely head over heels for Harley, but the latter is in a growing and increasingly abusive relationship with the older “bad-boy” (literally) Jack. Eventually, the two grow together in more ways than one.  

WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS (EXCEPT NO DOGS DIE) (M) STATS — 9.7k words, domestic bliss, no powers just botanist & psychiatrist au PLOT — After her abusive ex-boyfriend tries to maniacally tear down the front door of her apartment with an ax as her best friend, Selina, pushes the table against the splintering wood, Bruce recommends that Harley gets a dog. She gets two German Shepard brothers—Bud and Lou—who lead her one day on their walk to the most beautiful flower shop owner Harley’s ever seen. The story of Harley and Ivy, told with Bud and Lou present to witness every moment.

THE MOMENT I AWAKEN GHOSTS (T) STATS — 11.7k words, falling in love, feelings & realizations PLOT — A deep look into Ivy’s feelings and how they evolve from general hatred against Harleen the psychiatrist at Arkham to a blooming, kind and gentle love towards Harley Quinn, the crown jester of crime. 

HARLEQUIN’S ISLE (T) STATS — 17.5k words, hurt/comfort, happy ending, shenanigans, humor PLOT — Harley and Ivy decide to go on a vacation on Bruce Wayne’s new eco-friendly plane, but in a surprise twist of events, things go terribly wrong, Ivy falls out of the plane, and the two (as well as all the other rich and wealthy big-name CEOS on the plane) get stranded on an island with someone actively trying to rob the investors. Harley and Ivy will fight them, god damn it, because they deserve this vacation and they will have it.

LONGER STORIES (30k words to 100k words)

YOUR LOVE (DÉJÀ VU) (G) STATS — 33k words, slow burn, mild angst, canon divergence PLOT — A what-if-Harley-found-Ivy-first fic, YOUR LOVE wonderfully illustrates Dr. Harleen Quinzel treating Ivy in a wonderfully humane and kind way, including learning floriography, the language of flowers, in order to better relate to her. Ivy is taken aback by her doctor's genuine care and begins to develop feelings, all the while Harleen falls hard and fast which wholly confuses and frightens her. The one caveat is that while this is happening, Harleen is also treating the Joker as well, who tries (keyword: tries) to manipulate her. Ivy and Harley dance a timid tango around one another as they try to navigate this new playing field of romantic feelings for one another, and things come to a breaking point when Harleen realizes that, perhaps, all of her patients have a point and that the real villains are not the ones inside the asylum, but rather the ones running it. FAVORITE DETAILS — I just love the way this is written. It provides a wonderful and almost skinny-love like romance (except this takes place in an insane asylum) as Harleen and Ivy both try to understand their strong feelings for one another. The way in which the rogues and other inmates/patients all look out for one another was very heartwarming, and Waylon and Eddie's thinly veiled camaraderie with Ivy—and her thinly veiled appreciation for it—were both lovely and created a really warm environment. It really underlined why Harley loved them because you love them too in the process, and see how she reaches her breaking point.  CHARACTER DEPICTIONS — Harley, as she is in all of my favorite fics, is depicted as an incredibly intelligent and talented psychiatrist. Her caring nature is wonderfully outlined in this fic as she helps Waylon, Eddie, Ivy, and everybody else in the asylum be treated with genuine respect and care, going as far as to get them personalized gifts. Her psyche fracturing slowly never once makes her seem unintelligent to the reader, even as she actively places a ditz persona in order to fool the rest of the asylum staff (and the Joker). Ivy, on the other hand, is illustrated in a way that perfectly shows how all she genuinely needed was someone to listen. She's sometimes harsh and crass but you can see how she begins to soften as Harley helps her and treats her with: you guessed it, genuine respect. FINAL VERDICT — I would get this tattooed on my ass if I could

NOVEL LENGTH WORKS (100k+ words)

ACROSS THE WAY (M) STATS — 128.7k words, slow-burn, tattoo artist & flower shop owner au  PLOT — Botanist and flower shop owner Pamela Isley moves to Gotham from Seattle in search of a new life. Her shop is located directly next to a tattoo shop—one that is incredibly loud and bothersome. Upon walking in to give the shop a piece of her mind, she meets one of the resident artsits, Harley Quinzel, and cannot get her out of her mind. The two become best friends, and feelings slowly start to develop. On a night when Harley is most vulnerable and in need of a place to escape, Pam offers her apartment as a refuge, and from that point on things are never the same again (in the best way possible).  FAVORITE DETAILS — The SIT sessions were a wonderful touch and I loved seeing the recovery of both Ivy and Harley, because it was so real. I also loved how once Harley got out, she did everything in her power to protect both herself and Ivy from Jack, and we got to see her and Ivy grow into their wonderful, healthy romance. CHARACTER DEPICTIONS — I love how all of the characters are illustrated; Selina, who is the caring best friend and genuinely does her best to help others around her all the while being her cocky, usual self. Pam, who escaped Seattle and started anew in Gotham and is the crass botanist and also the insanely kind and caring lover. Barbara is the adorable coffee shop owner, Floyd is the caring figure for Harley that she never had, and everyone is just wonderful.  FINAL VERDICT — literally go read this rn, what are you even doing

MAD LOVE: THE BEGINNING & MAD LOVE: THE FINAL CHAPTER (M) STATS — nearly 400k words total, angst, canon divergence, domestic fluff, slice of life PLOT — imagine YOUR LOVE except this is much longer, much more heart-wrenching, a whole lot more angsty, and Harleen's break with Harley is a lot more prevalent. Another what-if scenario of Dr. Harleen Quinzel meeting and treating the illusive Poison Ivy instead of the Joker, MAD LOVE shows an interesting depiction of the way they manipulate, hurt, care, and love one another. The entire story is riddled with well placed metaphors, recurring themes, and both Ivy and Harley's characters are illustrated in the most complex and interesting way. All throughout both the initial and the sequel, Ivy and Harleen play a metaphorical chess game in manipulation as a means to gain the upper-hand on the other, which creates a dangerous foundation for their following love story. In the sequel, "The Final Chapter," the story starts with Harley and Ivy—already married near the end of "A New Beginning"—having two kids and the entire piece spans over Harley's lifetime until she's on her deathbed, with Ivy still stuck at 33 years old beside her. I personally stopped reading the story after Harley died (I was too emotionally vulnerable to continue on) but if you continue reading on, you get to see Ivy move on and appreciate Harley's impact on her life as she finds love and happiness again after the loss of her wife. FAVORITE DETAILS — We get insight into both Ivy and Harleen's trauma, and how not everything can be fixed with love. Neither Harleen nor Ivy (or their actions for that matter) are characterized as perfect in any way, and the story never excuses any of their more-than-questionable actions; in fact they make MANY mistakes and manipulate one another throughout the story, and both have power over the other (Harleen is her psychiatrist, but Ivy could easily kill her, so emotional power over someone with immense physical power). CHARACTER DEPICTIONS — Harleen is depicted as an incredibly intelligent and capable psychiatrist, and the story somehow wonderfully mixes Harley's desire for violent chaos with Harleen's desire to help others. v Ivy is illustrated as the epitome of "I hate you and will not be nice unless you're literally either my wife or kids." She is seldom kind to others, is often crass, but an entire softy when it comes to Harleen and their children. She's a hard worker and is heavily involved in her research. Harleen, on the other hand, is equally cunning but more lighthearted, extremely athletic and active, the "fun" mom, and less into power trips (unless it's about Ivy). FINAL VERDICT — definitely the most interesting fics I've ever read in my entire fucking life, it's so complex and wonderful and a literal minefield of analysis worthy literature, I'd also get this tattooed on my ass if I could

[aks3raao1]

Me, to Luja: So tell me about yourself

Luja: No

Me: ...ma'am I need to write the story—

Luja: Good luck <3

[now that I do think of it, ALTERNATIVE's main duo that's established right at the beginning is literally a chiller but edgier Katsuki and way worse sUrViVe Nagito genderbends]

~~~~~~

Luja Sen, she/her

Anyways, Luja and Romila are friends from middle school (the story starts with the beginning of their high school at AoS (Academy of the Specialised) which was essentially founded by Nyx). Luja gains her Specialisation (Ferrokinesis: The Ability to bend metal) at the age of twelve, so she has it for a lesser time period than Romila.

Luja primarily wants to become a scientist. Her family is happy with that, because it's praised and everything, especially in our society.

She has a gifted child superiority complex. Being a gifted child + Specialised means that she hardly had many friends in school. Her family had tried to get her to socialize....which didn't go down too well.

She believes that most people are annoying because they waste too much time on useless things like gossiping and what not, which she never showed much interest in and doesn't like to be dragged into those nonsense.

She is friends with Romila since they do share the same taste in stuff and were the only Specialised ones in their class. And they kinda stuck together for most of middle school and went into high school.

She has a problem when it comes to seeing Romila since she tends to see her bad parts and is like, "It's a phase" considering that it's not necessarily affecting her. Romila doesn't get too cranky with her since she fascinates her, with her passion™ for science. Also because she isn't all self sacrifice UwU.

Luja cares for her own self above others (but tends to put Romila pretty close to that hierarchy, which is why she's one of the only two Romila trusts during the Mansion of Death (the other person is Kratanos)) however she also does want to keep what friends she has and is generally caring towards them.

She has a genuine love for science and loves to discover how things work and why, and her favourite facet is Physics. She does want to invent things and honestly just make stuff easier for the Specialised who face a LOT of issues, especially when it comes to amenities since the government is an ass about accomodations and they gained the Fundamental Rights like ten years or so ago in the ALTERNATIVE timeline. And they gain an additional right ("The body won't be harmed for science") when they graduate from school, after signing a contract that they dedicate themselves to helping the government when called upon. (The whole contract is stupid and basically oppresses them more especially the punishment for not abiding by it).

With her goal of becoming a scientist, she wants to use her talents to make accomodations specifically for them so that she could have done something.

The things she fears the most is failure. Failing as in being unable to accomplish her goals. She is afraid of it because it's an unknown variable that's constantly haunted her and she's working hard for it to never reach her.

I suppose there's a way for her to confront that fear during the Mid terms at AoS where she essentially "loses" in the practicals due to her......teamwork issues.

Everyone thinks of her as stuck up and isn't interested to listen to her much and since she views the others as annoying people with annoying habits, she tends to fail to regulate them, causing Romila to win instead (yes, it's THAT unfortunate of a situation) in their match, which causes her to review a LOT of things and she tries to see what caused her to lose after having a severe breakdown.

She develops an inferiority complex in respect to Romila and then spends a long time wondering where she went wrong.

Rena (who somehow clung to her) tries to cheer her up but gets turned back halfway, but she still stays on and Luja is like, "Wtf" until she sees Romila going entirely off the deep end (she presents an interesting contrast to how Koldin sees Romila as well, she sees Romila's behavior and considers it as a justification for her own self....she uses Romila to justify herself a lot (since if you asked Romila, Luja was more or less fine according to her since she wasn't being a doormat and stood up for herself) while Koldin sees Romila as the reason he should cling onto his own stuff) and realises that she could be on the path to destruction herself and accepts Rena's help and tries to be more open to others which leads to the Mid terms parallels in the Archenemy of Society arc where she "succeeds" instead and manages to get the class together enough to escape the situation.

However it doesn't mean that her fear of failure has entirely vanished into the blue, she just reviews the ways she can fail better now and works around it to avoid it and has more confidence in her own self. But she is still scared of failing and would love to avoid that more than anything. However she's chiller after that.

Her intelligence is more or less on par with both Romila and Kratanos, making them the three main strategists in the final battle against the bigots (which is basically a rerun of the Mansion of Death situation but way way worse and fucked up and has different leads to it).

....

The thing is that, no matter what I do, she winds up feeling like one dimensional/repetitive, which is something I am trying to amend about all the characters (I mean, I had to revamp a lot of characters so it will probably take me a long long time to actually get to writing.........sigh besides she stands up like a cardboard amongst people (I mean, you have Romila and Kratanos with extremely complicated storylines and then you have her. Just there))

So the main question is how to make her more interesting as a character and on par with the rest while still keeping her character flaws and personality?

I think the easiest way to go abt this is to view her as a sassy Bakugo. They have the main points in common. They're salty, don't like to socialise, feel inferior to a certain someone while still having some semblance of confidence and a terrible fear of failure

Now as much as I hate to compare your character to another one, it makes it a lot easier to have them become - as my English teacher would say - more. So I am sorry if this comes off as offensive-

For Bakugo, he became interesting by playing a big part in the mc's main story and we do get a few scenes where his vulnerability is shown. I assume it's the same with your character but...what rlly ties the knot for me when it comes to Katsuki is the fact that his problems...are more than just an inferiority/superiority complex. His whole thing stems from background especially (*cough* abusive mom *cough*) and the fact that he's not the main character (or rather that the story isn't being told in his perspective).

These facts make us over think and want more of him. The mystery draws us in which is why I think Luja's character is so perfect for someone in the background. She doesn't like to reveal things abt herself and is pretty dismissive to most things on top of that (plainly just salty). Her character rlly draws you in and the best way to portray those kinds of characters is through another character. Ofc, you'd have to get to their POV eventually but it's important to note that most of the details should come from someone else's POV (an observer, if you will) instead of info dumping and starting straight with hers. A character that's mysterious with a very simple yet relatable story attracts a LOT more attention and interest when seen from someone else's perspective than when you kickstart it from theirs.

Ofc, if u are planning (or already have) started the story from her POV, that would be a bit problematic in terms of interest. But not a train wreck. This is where my other point comes in. The point of making a character have more than one problem

Different ppl as well as characters have a main problem but also different ones, no matter what way you look at it. It seems that even you are confused with all ur character's ins and outs (dw, we've all been there... I am still there tbh) and a solution to that is backtracking a bit and looking at their life from the very beginning in HEAVY detail (like more than u already did). Think abt what other trauma could have been caused, what doubts and fears could have slowly crept it's way to her heart and head (I am a sucker for long-lasting doubts that develop over time) and anything you can even so much as GRASP on. If you look at it and see it as a possibility, try to fit that into her character and add it subtly in different places (as subtext or a creative pattern, wordplay, doesn't rlly matter as long as it's not openly stated bc, remember, the key thing to these types of characters is mystery).

For example, a fear of failure can stem into anxiety before the character has even lost smth later in their life. They probably get rlly anxious when evaluating smth but don't show it much or at all so no one notices. This adds even MORE to the character bc you can build it up after other events. Like once they have failed, they could probably get even more anxious and then develop a bad relationship with the person who beat them (double the points if it was a friend). You could build all that up and turn it super toxic instead of jumping right to the healing. It makes it more interesting, doesn't it? Plus, reevaluating almost everything including world views after 1 loss is...kind of hard to believe even with anxiety (no offense)

Adding a lot of little problems and thinking abt how Luja's behaviour can impact other characters helps a terrible lot if ur doing most of the story from her POV. Especially since she's probably the most relatable character (from what I've heard anyway). I have a certain saying... it goes like, "It's better to have a relatable and connecting character than one with a problem that is too big for normal people to fathom."

I like characters with heart-wrenching problems that I would never be able to relate to (take maybe Shigaraki as an example ig?) But my favourite are the ones that make me feel as tho I made a real connection

Also, I would like to say...if ur looking to progress her character even further, I would debate on whether it's the complete end to the novel or if there'll be a second part. If it's a second part, keep some of Luja's issues. Make her get better but not completely "YAY, I AM DONE BEING TORMENTED". If it's the end of the novel/series/etc., make it so that she's resolved most of most of her issues. They don't have to be completely gone but they have to be a lot better compared to how they started. And how i would work that out is a mind map but knowing ur a scatterbrain...lets talk it out where everything is all over the place

Luja's main thing is to gain confidence in herself and be finally ok with losing, right? If you ask me, that's a tough one but not impossible. I think to get her from point A to point B is to put up a bunch of events like:

Get her super anxious when doing smth

Lose to *insert person*

Have a breakdown and over think on what she could have done better (on the project or whatever she lost at)

Get even more anxious and totally mess up the next thing

Lose once again (double points if it's the same person as last time)

Overthinking abt how she's not good enough

F i g h t i n g f r i e n d s c o z d r a m a

"YoU'rE nEvEr GoNnA gEt BeTtEr If YoU kEeP tHiNkInG aBoUt YoUrSeLf"

Over think abt no. 8 bc out of options and ideas and ✨a n x i e t y✨

Try listening to others more and become b e t t e r

Win smth (bc creator forbid 3 losses in a row to start depression)

Lose again (there is gonna be a bit of back and forth but is necessary for development)

"I tHoUgHt I wAs FiNaLlY dOiNg SoMeThInG rIgHt AnD nOw LoOk"

"Losing is not th3 3nd of th3 fucking world, you lunatic"

"WELL, IT IS TO ME, BITCH"

*insert psychology somehow idk*

Another loss

"I'm angry...but I'm ok"

Note that idk where bullying would come in and these are only how I would think it to go-

A character like this isn't rlly my strong suit when it comes to them resolving their problems but they are fun to write and think abt-

................................did I just give you advice on how to traumatize? I-

[dastardlydandelion]

Fanfic Writer asks 10 and 15?

anonymoose friend! i answered these under the cut bc i ended up rambling a whole lot. i'm sorry. i start typing and i get distracted on my way to the point, and then the context needs context, so i often wind up a lil long-winded. 😅

10) top 5 fics by kudos or reads?

top five by kudos:

1) flos primula: ahh, yes. my entry into st. the fic i had no idea so many ppl were going to enjoy. the fic that scared me when i realized how many ppl had looked at it, how many eyes had seen it. but i am so happy they did! @foxgirlontherun told me the series it became (hadn't planned to write beyond one fic) was one of their favorites. that was one of the most genuinely moving comments i've ever gotten on a fic. if ur reading this, pal, tysm!! i'm so glad u enjoyed it, and whenever i feel like i want to scrap the elusive fifth part that drivers me bonkers in my wip folder, i remember ur comment and refrain from opening the scrap folder. <3

2) supplicium: the gift fic i did for @keziahrain. my version of a fandom trope. took inspo from irl incident where mom-sister duo eliminated a threat. i always feel obliged to link that or anything else i take direct inspo from, lest i be accused of plagiarism...tho...is it plagiarism if it's not fiction?? also, does that look bad, does that look like i'm piggybacking off of real people's real trauma for my creative purposes?? jfc, i hope not. that's never my intent. but maybe i shouldn't...fuck, fuck, now i'm derailing from the ask and i'm not even talking abt the fic anymore. i'm sorry!! it just occurred to me as i was typing that it might look like it comes from a place of ill-intent when i draw from *real* events and upon that realization, i'm going to reflect more abt how i incorporate news going forward. err, back to the fic for a min, okay! yes! it is my second most popular fic by kudos and that's cool that a bunch of ppl enjoyed it, super flattering, but the most important thing is that my bud was happy. <3

3) periculum in mora: this is my third most popular fic by kudos, i just realized when i got this ask. wow! oh boy, this gives me mixed feelings. it was a double gift fic for @keziahrain and @lucdarling and they both left positive feedback, and i am happy they enjoyed, but in hindsight...i might've rushed it a bit? dialogue has never been my strong suit, but some of the dialogue in this is extra...bad. and some of my humor is a tad too misplaced this time, i think. the stabbing is also too similar to the previous fanfic. idk abt the pacing, either...

mm. yeah, it's. i'm not going to call it a bad fanfic bc there are things i appreciate abt it, and i think to call it "bad" would be rude to the readers who enjoyed it, and especially my buds whom it was gifted to. BUT knowing that it's my third most kudos-ed fic?!? rly changes my perspective of it and makes its flaws stand out that much more. 😬

i wish i could go back and rewrite this one. spend more time on it. talk to a rubber ducky. i should've polished it up better. balanced the various elements better. reworked the stabbing scene (this was partly too much directed by the scrapped lamina's skeleton).

my one comfort abt its flaws, however, is that another user (someone called LaceDegenerate, so!! ck reference, yes, i'm with u, friend, i'm also in karate soap hell) expressed interest in a sequel. and i said i would deliver. so hopefully in the sequel i can avoid the mistakes i made in this one, and i can write it strong/solid enough to make up for the previous missteps.

4) valeo: so, this was a prompt. it's. it's...it sure is a fanfic. i'd had a crossover in mind for a sequel but tbvh the wip isn't going great. and then i told LilChicken i would do a third part with a sibling reunion, but. on reread, i just...irdk why this fic is my fourth most kudos-ed fic. i reread it and wtf is this dialogue?? i also think it might be a bit too much on the soft/squishy side?? is it saccharine??? i don't want to be negative, but i'm personally just. NOT satisfied with my work in this one. well, there is one positive, i enjoyed writing max & susan moving out, moving on. it's not my personal pick of my fics at all, but i'm glad that there are others who found joy in it.

5) flos fulmināre: ooh, this one! the fourth part of primis tenebris flos. cool, one that i like too. 😊

yes, okay, now i can stop sounding like a drabby crabby bc i have positive thoughts on this one and i understand how it's my fifth most kudos-ed fic. susan & billy & a lil max too! soft family bonding as billy quietly (crankily) battles sepsis. micro-dose of neil being neil. references to the meat spider that completely fly over susan's head. a touch of humor that isn't too misplaced, i don't think?? idk. i like this one. it feels warm to me without being like, saccharine. this is theoretically the one the series ends on and it would've worked just fine, but i have a monster wip of a fifth part, but anyway. yay! i'm happy this fic found its audience.

15) words, phrases, mannerisms or scenes i tend to use a lot? oh. yeah. *deep sigh*

this is one of my biggest flaws as a writer. i'm formulaic to start, i think in part bc i've drawn so much influence from slashers, but it isn't even just writing, uh, murder a lot, it's more, it's. mm. rly found myself in a repetitive rut and i think a few different factors contribute to this.

first, it's my tenancy to retreat into my comfort zone. i know i can write gore, so if i'm stuck on smth hard, or i'm having trouble with certain parts of a longer story, instead of doing my best to tackle the challenges, i retreat to the comfort zone to do what i'm familiar with: the gore. i know i can't mess up gore the way i could mess up two 14 yr olds on the run in the 80s. bc i have extensive experience writing gore. i do not have extensive experience writing 14 yr olds on the run in the 80s. so the next thing u know, i have 10 different gore fics that only differentiate so much from each other (like slasher movies), and the longer and/or more distinct, more challenging stories gather dust. bc i took the easy way out and spent time on smth i know how to write, taking time away from doing the hard work and honing my focus on smth i need to learn how to write.

secondly-- and this is a bit of a new flaw for me --desire to crowd please. i've noticed myself default to familiar settings and rely on injury related plot/device, and well. i think it's bc that's what got me in the door in my current fandom (that rly isn't mine), and smth that i've received as prompts, so. yk, it's like, i feel that's what what little audience i've garnered wants/enjoys from me. it worked, it was the basis of my presence here, so it's like i'm constantly trying to recreate what worked...but now it's more like a pattern i struggle to break out of, smth i leaned too far into upon a perception of what readers want from me. i've fallen into yet another kind of redundancy in the process, prioritizing guaranteed hits over developing literary flexibility. this isn't to say i'm against giving the ppl what they want-- it's just, i shouldn't do that to the point of risking redundancy and stagnancy.

thirdly, i noticed there is one running theme in all my stabbing scenes, and. i. have more or less written the same stabbing scene in THREE DIFFERENT FICS. and this is an especially glaring redundancy that drives me fucking bananas bc like. at least in the previous two noted redundancies of mine (while certainly obstacles i need to overcome to improve in any kind of meaningful way) the similarities are on the general side. the gore in famelicus is not the same gore in vanidicus; the first is pure gore porn thruout, the second presents itself in a simultaneous act of survival and betrayal. flos primula and decretum are both conversations in hospital rooms, but they serve different purposes; the former is abt susan attempting to foster some kind of closeness with her stepson, the latter prompted by max fearing the loss of closeness with her brother.

but. i have used the same stabbing scenario (with very little differentiation) in supplicium, si vis amari, ama, and periculum in mora!! HOW DID I DO THIS??

why didn't i notice how similar they were?? i feel like kicking myself in the ass.

this is prolly not a mistake i would've made if my old lil writing group wasn't on the rocks, but that's neither here nor there. i mean, i even cut susan's palm up all three times and like. that's not out of the norm in stabbings, but! for fuck's sake, i could've made it her finger one time instead!! or had the blade break off during one of the stabbings for more differentiation, bc that's another thing that isn't out of the norm to occur (esp if we're using kitchen knives). those scenes are just too similar. it's embarrassing. it's almost recycling the same story with only slight differences, as if i sought to plagiarize myself. 😳

whew. okay, this is supposed to be like, a fun fanfic ask game, so i don't want to get too negative. also, negative self-talk isn't rly productive?? but like, neither is pretending nothing's wrong??? ugh. it's such a double-bind. too much negativity brings u down and impedes production bc u feel crappy, but pretending nothing's wrong isn't helpful either, bc then that's just denial!!

i'm just. frustrated with my writing lately. especially with my redundancies. it feels like i'm in a rut. i compare some of my wip and more recent stories to some of my older ones and they just look hollow, like i'm intentionally parodying myself and reducing the quality of everything from the characters to the atmosphere in the process. 😞

[radramblog]

What happened to Dirk in Homestuck^2?

Why am I doing this to myself.

I memed a little yesterday when I was posting that article around social medias about Homestuck jokes, because once again we are in lockdown and I am therefore Stuck at Home. Canned laughter goes here. But there’s a topic related to the comic- or more specifically, its aborted sequel, Homestuck^2, that I’m interested in delving into a little bit. I’m going to avoid talking about spoilers as much as possible, but considering said comic takes place not only after the events of the massive sprawl that is Homestuck but also the more linear but still messy Epilogues, some amount of sus shit is inevitable.

Anyway. Much maligned is what the Epilogues and 2 did to everyone’s favourite decapitation target, Dirk Strider, and I have a theory as to why it happened this way.

To begin with, let’s summarise what and who Dirk is through the course of the comics. Fair warning from me, though, it’s been a while since I read through this.

Dirk Strider is a teenager who grew up in a post-apocalyptic future Earth, completely devoid of physical contact with other people and only really ever gets to talk to 3 other people, only one of whom is in anything remotely resembling a relatable situation. He struggles with self-identity, having created numerous robots including an artificial intelligence based on his own brain, aka Lil’ Hal. He’s somewhat of a control freak, and a bit of a cold aloof asshole, but means well, and is pretty gay. NBD. The kinda guy to set up a plan meticulously and thoroughly, not informing any of the moving parts even if said parts are his friends, and often involving some form of self-sacrifice.

Throughout the comic he further reckons with self-identity problems and his own self-loathing including entering a relationship with Jake which doesn’t go well and he eventually breaks off since he knows his overbearing and manipulative behaviour is Not Cool and Pretty Toxic but doesn’t know how to shut it off. Eventually he reaches the God Tier as a Prince of Heart, gaining the power to literally annihilate souls, which he never actually uses since he gets yeeted into deep (Paradox) space and then everything goes to shit. Except none of that happens because of the Retcon (aside from the God Tier bit) and we don’t actually see how that shit progressed in the canon timeline. I think. Dirk’s arc, as it were, doesn’t really come full circle- while he does assist in Dave’s character…growth? he really isn’t the focus of that conversation. This immediately precedes the action climax and there isn’t literally any dialogue after that so that’s what we’re left with.

I like Dirk in Homestuck a lot. It’s hard not to, considering the flashes heavily featuring him (Unite/Synchronise and Prince of Heart: Rise Up) are genuinely excellent, along with many of his music themes being absolute bangers. He gets to interact with Caliborn a lot, with a pretty great banter, there, and the whole splintered personality thing is a really interesting hook for a character. I think he’s my favourite of the Alpha kids, a controversial pick considering I know everyone loves Roxy so much. I think, I’m not as in tune with the fandom as that statement implies I am.

And then the Epilogues/Homestuck 2 came.

Now I read the Meat half of the epilogues first, but that’s more interesting, so we’ll tackle Candy first (this is going to get real confusing for those who haven’t read this comic, huh).

In Candy, Dirk almost immediately kills himself, citing the irrelevance of the timeline as cause, an act considered by whatever mechanism governs God Tier deaths to be Just because he hates himself (and also bc of things we’ll get into), so it actually sticks. This isn’t super relevant for the discussion, but that’s just kinda so unbelievably fucked up? Entirely? I’d imagine if you read Candy first you might get entirely turned off by this, which I’m sure a lot of people did.

Meat is where the, well, meat of post-canon Dirk is. You see, a concept very quickly introduced in the tail end of the original comic is the Ultimate Self, an idea where you somehow encompass every different timeline iteration or alternate version of yourself. This was pretty clearly tacked on to make it so characters whose arcs all happened in the retcon timeline could have their not getting an actual arc explained away, but it didn’t land then and it sure doesn’t land for me now. Anyway, in Meat, Dirk becomes his ultimate self, making him near-omniscient and able to control the fabric of the story himself- for much of this story, he is the narrator. And he uses this power to fuck with all his friends really distressingly without their knowledge (or consent), including breaking up a marriage, in order to further his own goals which largely appear to be just keep the story going so to not fade out of relevance. It’s a plot that makes no sense with his previous characterisation, but I guess now that he’s the Ultimate Self he’s a different person? But I liked old Dirk, and I don’t like New Dirk. He’s a villain now, but he made a much better anti-hero.

But this would be fine if he (or the epilogues, or Homestuck^2) were written well. But they aren’t. Dirk’s dialogue is long, painfully drawn out, with tangents that tend to amount to pure wank, misused literary references and pointless metaphors that go on and on, filling the screen with a bright orange screed that hurts to look at as much as it does to comprehend. It’s not fun. And we’ve seen Dirk communicate before, obviously, the story of Homestuck is built around chatlogs, but it wasn’t like this. He was sarcastic, dryly witty, blunt at times. Even when he was literally talking to a different version of himself it didn’t get that masturbatory.

I was so confused about what the hell happened to Dirk, because I had no idea what the hell someone writing this character was thinking when they turned him into this. And then, the 21st page of Homestuck^2 dropped.

And it all came together.

What Ultimate Dirk and Terezi are referring to is Pony Pals: Detective Pony, a children’s book about some girls who hang out with ponies and solve a mystery. It’s a real book, buy it for your 5-year-old.

Except they’re not referring to that, they’re referring to the Homestuck Canon version of Detective Pony- a birthday gift from Dirk to Jane, heavily edited and to be much more obscene and eventually developing into it’s own story, stated to be “tough, emotionally draining, but cathartic in all the worst ways possible”.

Except the quote “Remember Longcat, Jane?” and references to philosophy, dead languages, and ancient earth culture aren’t referring to the three pages of the Dirk-edited Detective Pony we see in the actual comic itself. That quote doesn’t appear there.

That image is from Detective Pony, by Sonnetstuck- the 40,000 word fanfiction from 2014 that serves as a completed version of Jane’s copy of the book. An expansion of what we see in canon. And it’s a tough, emotionally draining read, but cathartic in all the worst ways possible.

It’s a very good fanfiction.

In the later bits of Detective Pony, we can start to see the origins of what would become Ultimate Dirk’s signature style of writing. Long blocks of rambling text, orange dripping down the page, references to philosophy and history and language that go on and on. And it probably does look familiar to those who read the Epilogues and ^2. 

But there are a couple of key differences here. First of all, it’s just better written? The way these rambles circle back on themselves is so excellent, the absolute absurdity of this being written on top of a pony book for little girls, the humour (beyond some of the more immature stuff), it’s just a really well-written piece of fiction. Hell, you don’t even need to be familiar with the character of Dirk to enjoy it. It’s a harrowing piece, but it’s also self-aware- because it’s not supposed to be tough, draining, cathartic etc. just for Jane- it’s clearly that for Dirk himself.

The second part is, of course, that this is a fanfiction. It’s not canon, it’s not official, this is by someone who really likes Dirk for people who really like Dirk. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, so if you bounce off it (and I’m sure a lot did), then you don’t have to keep reading it, it’s fine, thanks for playing. As much as Homestuck^2 tried to doll itself up as “dubiously canon” it’s still the official continuation of the story, and that means if it’s as difficult to get into as Detective Pony, that’s going to be a problem for a lot of people.

The other part of it is that Detective Pony’s exploration of Dirk’s character is, well, in character. When the man himself steps in as a character in his own book, the explorations of what he is as an author, who he is as a person, make perfect sense for what we see of him at the start of the comic. He is that manipulative, blunt person, and he is aware of his faults. He’s the kind of person to hide a lamentation on his own failings inside an impenetrable maze of a story layered on top of a book about fucking ponies. Ultimate Dirk does not act like Dirk, outside of the “manipulator” angle, something that Dirk was aware of and trying to improve in the comic. But I guess people don’t have arcs, right?

It’s so interesting to see the seeds of Homestuck^2 laden within Detective Pony- because the meta angle that and the epilogues take is also represented in said fanfiction. While the nature of canon is a facet of the work, the idea of authors and narrators fighting for control of a story, different ideas in mind for the characters, one being more personally connected to them than the other, it’s all there. When I wrote about Fallout 4 in the past, I mentioned being worried that Bethesda took the wrong lessons from Skyrim- seeing something successful and trying to recapture that lightning in a bottle. I think Homestuck^2 is an extreme example of this- the writers of the comic saw Sonnetstuck’s masterwork and thought, yeah that’s great, we can do that. But they just can’t. And with the comic crashed and burning, the probably won’t ever get a chance to. Dirk is forever stuck as this amalgamation of himself that looks nothing like any individual version of him ever did.

At least we will still have Detective Pony, and many other excellent fanworks, for actually good Dirk content. I admittedly haven’t looked into much fanfic written during/post-epilogues, and I’m kind of afraid of what I’ll see- I can only hope the fanbase didn’t take the same wrong lessons as the official team did.

[shingia]

for the 4k event!! hiiii!! im a relatively new follower, maybe a month or a few weeks since i followed u! an event was def not an expectation when i followed u, but im so glad im here to see it!!

——

HAIKYUU MATCHUP

-> mbti: enfp-t

-> love language(s): i like to give gifts, but i like to receive words of affection

-> favorite way to spend the weekend: i like to just spend the day in my bed, doing something mildly productive (ie; writing, grinding on games, reading, etc.)

-> something i’m good at: i’m good at english?? idk what it is but i’ve been chosen for debate competitions, essay writing competitions, plays, bla bla bla. i’m also good at singing?? people say i am but i’m not extraordinary,,i think i can just follow notes well, who knows. also, i’m good at academics in general. i’m not hardworking or a genius, but i understand things quickly (fast learner). also, i’m good at math << im not even going to sugar coat that

-> something i’m bad at: i suck at cooking. like genuinely. it’s not that i suck per se, but i hate the noise of oil cooking and water boiling and those stuff. it freaks me out. also because i’m very clumsy (i once broke half the plates in my house). i also am absolutely horrible at physical stuff. between having practically no hand-eye coordination and low stamina, i’m not fit to do anything physical sobsobsob. also i suck at managing my temper, i’ll get mad or upset over literally the tiniest things ever. i can’t handle incompetence and i get pretty angry when someone’s stupidity affects my performance?? it’s super insensitive but one of my main toxic points, so i usually surround myself with the other high-achievers and hard working students so i wouldn’t have to lash out on too many people.

-> what i look for in a relationship: i’m into relatively intelligent men, but also, i’ve fallen for quite a few idiots too. since i’m very loud, quiet people are attracted to me more often than others. i’m also looking for financial stability, like i don’t need any like,,millionaires, but i’d at least want my partner to have a stable source of income, yk? i like being taken care of/taking care of someone. i guess i’m looking for comfort and stability in a relationship more than anything.

-> my personality in general: i’m loud and very high-maintenance-esque (esque bc i act that way but i dont actually need anything). massive drama queen, not agreeable at all (which makes me a good debater ig), and i hold myself to a high standard. i’m an over-achiever and i usually take leader roles (i actively go for leadership roles). i’m super talkative and i don’t really mind if the person i’m talking to is quiet (again, the people in attract are usually quiet so i’m more used to it). but i enjoy good banter. i’m very sarcastic and snide and i like people who can reciprocate that energy. i accidentally flirt, not because i’m flirtatious but because i over-compliment. (one time, my favorite english teacher asked me why the clock was broken and i told her it was because her beauty makes time stop 😭. i really meant it as an innocent compliment, but it made her really happy so it’s fine ig) i’m a very ambitious girl and my temper is SUPER SHORT. i think that sums it up?? just think of those classy, high maintenance, heels-loving, rich girls in trashy high school movies and i relate (regina motherfucking george).

-> my kin’s: OIKAWA, kuroo, ATSUMU, tsukki

——

again, congrats!!!!!!!!!!! have a super awesome day!!! <3

thank youuu!! have an awesome day as well! <33

i match you up with…

KUROO TETSUROU!

[writeiolite]

Hello!!!! I love your writing sm esp the werewolf au! AAAAAA uhhhhh if you dont mind wld u do headcanons of being aobajohsai n nekoma’s managers?? 🥺 just kinda them being protective of the manager,,, and just,, fluffy!!!! If u dont mind ofc!!! Thank you for writing they really been keeping me sane during quarantine ❤️

AW omg thank you so muchhhh im rly happy my writing can help ppl out even a little c: i’m glad u liked SOS too!!! ^^

this is long im so sorry but i rly love it hehe

who: gn!reader, aoba johsai, nekoma

what: fluff, humor

plot: reader as aoba johsai+nekoma manager :D

wc: 1,004

{ hq sfw taglist — tell me if you want to be added or taken off: @yamxgucci }

aoba johsai

tbh they need a manager but also dont???

the whole team knows they can rely on oikawa and their coach is rly good too but having extra brain power does help 

ur there to help the coach strategize when oikawa isn’t doing it

the three of u work together n honestly ur rly efficient together

kindaichi probably has a crush on u bc of that

always wants ur attention but he won’t try hard for it u know

meanwhile u will try hard for kyotani’s attention

not bc of romantic feelings but this plan u just came up with? chef’s kiss! kyotani cmere 

u have to ask iwaizumi for help with kyotani sometimes but honestly he’s always helping u without u realizing or asking since the team rly looks up to him anyway

will offer u advice on how certain events go if oikawa or the coach havent already

will probably say oikawa was wrong abt something right in front of oikawa’s face

will probably make fun of oikawa

“y/n-chan he’s being mean again”

u will ignore them both honestly hkbkgfjg you have stuff to do

like get kunimi on track but also get yahaba to stop teasing him

yahaba thinks ur cute but rest assured he will never make a move

partially bc he knows kindaichi has a crush on u and partially bc he knows u won’t entertain his advances hhhh

u are carrying the entire industry on ur back wow how do u feel??

things with aoba johsai are actually rly easy when everyone is together talking abt game plans or going on trips 

they all listen well and respect u a lot 

u don’t know it but iwaizumi speaks highly of u when the team is all laying down to go to sleep if they’re out of town

so does oikawa and even yahaba tbh

the whole team genuinely rly appreciates having u around 

matsukawa and hanamaki especially bc they like to make u laugh n smile

when appropriate ofc — they’re v thoughtful and respectful to ur soapbox times n won’t distract u

hanamaki will bring u food if u show up to practice early or stay late

he and watari will be the ones to compliment ur efforts consistently

watari thinks u work too hard sometimes but later he realizes it’s bc u care abt the team so much and honestly that makes his heart hurt

he rly admires u for that and didn’t think anyone who wasn’t an officially teammate would care so much

expect to get gifts/treats from the team a lot. they’ll all pitch in to buy u smth, pay for ur food, or take u out as thanks

ur rly valuable on their team n they definitely make it known

nekoma

kenma is frl the brains of nekoma so im sry u are not strategizing

“y/n u rly don’t have to help out with game strategies yknow”

“ik kenma but i feel useless otherwise”

bro bad move — they will never make u feel useless again like

u have to stop kuroo from being too rambunctious sometimes

lev is literally doing smth he shouldn’t be if u look away for -4 seconds

yaku is there to help u reel them in but honestly he’s glad ur there so he can slack off a little

esp bc ur more patient with lev so i promise u it’s like

“y/n it’s ur turn to get lev now”

“…. i am? always?? getting lev???”

*shared custody noises*

team trips rly be like “ 4, 5, 6… where is kai”

“y/n u literally skipped counting me”

“oh hhahahahahahhh my b”

“it’s fine” ugh hes just so nice n knows the rest of the team is already a hassle

kai and yaku are truly the first ones to help u out w/o making a big deal out of it

kuroo-,,..,.. well

he’ll help u out but he’s gonna put the spotlight on u and on whatever the issue is

“oi u guys are gonna make y/n fill all these water bottles alone? what kind of team is this?!!!?!???!!!”

will proudly grin at u after and pat ur back like “u can count on me dw”

shibayama is ur baby u have to accept this

he doesnt get to do much in games so he can get discouraged. which is why it’s great that ur around to give him smth to do or cheer him up

sometimes if u don’t notice then tamahiko or kenma will point it out to u

inuoka will be ur moral support while ur the whole team’s moral support

no matter what kuroo says, inuoka is ur biggest shooter

they will probably jokingly compete for 1st place in ur heart n will occasionally compete on who can help u out the most

yaku will call them idiots bc honestly are they helping or making it worse we donut know

“8, 9… ok that’s everyone!”

“y/n you didn’t count fukunaga.”

“oh thanks kenma. my b sorry fukunaga”

unbothered king. is used to it honestly. u already have a lot to deal with bro

“y/n did you count me?”

“yamamoto i literally counted you twice.”

“third time’s the charm, right?”

inuoka, biggest y/n defender, jumps on the scene to stop any sort of affection between u and yamamoto

a big “HAHAHA yamamoto ur SO funny when u pretend u have a chance with y/n” is enough to stop him dfhkgkfsjgh im so sorry 

highkey he practiced that line too (ty tanaka) oghkfkg inuoka pls let him have one (1) chance

tbh u may not have everything organized and together but at least it’s an organized mess

family is family n things wouldn’t be the same without you

aka yaku would go insane n shibayama would b sad so pls stay their manager forever

[wincore]

lord my mom has been hounding my ass for the ENTIRE year ab writing a speech for valedictorian and we're finally doing it but for some reason i just... really dont wanna write it??? sounds immature but i was looking at the criteria for the speech and we have to incorporate "catholic values" in it which is probably the biggest turnoff because i'm not even catholic PLS

i know shes gonna beat my ass if i don't at least try but man is it harder than i thought esp since i got informed of it late for some reason.. the connection between virtual and physical classes are wack

mayhaps do you have any poetic shit™️? related quotes from famous people or hell, maybe quotes from your fics you really like LMAO i genuinely want to try sneaking a fancy fanfic quote in there just for the sake of it, would be so funny reading that out to the graduating class..

- 📷 is currently A̸̖͕͈̣̅́ ̸̛̭͚͖̲̌̋́̕Ą̴͉͎͕́ ̷̛͙̖̦͊̋A̸̘̐̉͝͠ ̵̧͙̊̒͊̋͝Á̸͉̩͛̋̈À̴̪̗͈͕̿A̷̱͆́Á̷̡̺̅ͅǍ̶̧̯̺̭̖͛͌̊̚ ̷̧̛̭̤̮͈̌̀Á̴͉̥̳̞͜ ̴̛̰̲̆̄

omg i just got over with my own speech (not valedictorian lol, a foreign language public speaking event) a week or two ago and ripped off a few lines from haikyuu 😭😭

i hate writing speeches too !!!! but when i start, it just sort of naturally flows?? the key is finding the right words I guess but writing the whole thing still kinda sucks. also did you say catholic views dhdjjdjd the only catholic I know is cat-holic sorry 😔✋ (djdjdkkd I don't know much about the religion I'm truly sorry)

my mom was like that in high school but I feel like she kinda stopped caring in college bc I was like hey mom I won first prize in the speaking event and she was like oh ok good job 👍 like ok thanks mom I will not mention to you the crippling anxiety public speaking gave me </3

I can't really remember quotes from fics (I haven't read much in a long time ;-;), but I do have a collection of fav quotes!! If they happen it be anti-catholic, I am so sorry. I would do a background check on them if I were you hdjdjdjd

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to." "I don't much care where –" "Then it doesn't matter which way you go. - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland. (sorry, it's dialogue and a long one.)

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle." - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland. (this was one of my fav books and I just reread it so pls bear with me.)

"What is better- To be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?" - Paarthurnax, The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim.

"I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth are irrelevant; it is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are." - Mewtwo, Pokemon: The First Movie.

"What can one do in the face of such monumental loss but breathe a weary sigh, for the world is a little quieter now." - Shane Madej. (my guy said something so raw unprompted I was taken aback)

“The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.” - Half-Life 2.

"Yesterday, you were defeated. What will you become today?" - Furudate Haruichi, Haikyuu. (I used this one LOL)

I think that's all the quotes I have saved on my notes app. I don't know if they'll be of much use but maybe you can draw inspiration from them!!! I wish I had some fic quotes (the only one I can think of is "we deserve a soft epilogue, my love." and I think it's captain america fanfiction, I haven't even read it but the quote is famous.) bc it would truly be funny as hell to use them BDBDND good luck with this, love!!!! i hope you get it done soon ❣️

[tenseifucker]

Yan Izuku x quirkless Idol!reader

I'm almost sorry with how hyperspecific this... Also, this is definitely before he gets in to UA!!

Okay so first off, I feel like the thing that would make Izuku notice you, more than any of the thousands of other idols in the country, is the fact that you're quirkless.

He would probably just have the tv on for background noise and you and your group would be on some variety show introducing yourselves, and you would not only mention that you're quirkless but that you look up to All Might.

Bitch if that doesn't make something in him snap idk what will

Plus ur cute lmao

Anyway so Izuku would 100% be enthralled and as the show continues he falls for you more

You're really making his heart skip a beat with the All Might references in your jokes ngl

Like, he's genuinely laughing along bc you confidently told the host "I am here!" just to get smacked upside the head

And holy shit did he really sit through the entire show??? Oops lol

Anyway from now on he's hooked and oh snap your group is having a handshake event nearby next weekend? His ass is THERE

So he'll go to get a chance to meet you (and the other members but who tf are they lmao) and since he's a Fuckin Nerd he probably has a whole conversation planned out

But there's a fatal flaw

The only girl he's ever seen irl ever is his mother

Also you get like 5 seconds to talk to each member but that's not the point

You're the first one that he gets to shake hands with and his mind is instantly broken

Like holy shit you were cute on TV but irl???

Beautiful. Perfect. Legendary.

Izuku, once again being a Fuckin Nerd, prob has some All Might shit on him that you notice and you just get so pumped

You spend your short first meeting geeking out at him and as he's walking away, dumbstruck, he realizes

Uh oh

He's screwed

I mean, you're screwed too but you don't know it yet lmao

Anyway, that obsessiveness that he's got going on for heroes?

Expect that same amount of passion aimed at you. Just you.

This dude goes full on fanboy.

100% the type to preorder multiple copies whenever you guys have a new CD coming out to help boost sales

Probs one of those guys who posts about his purchase online tbh. But like only under a separate account

Goes to every local handshake event

Because he buys so many copies he definitely has multiple handshake tickets.

He uses all of them to loop around the line over and over again, all just to talk to you for just a few more seconds

He will ask you if you remember him at every event, without fail.

Even if you don't, you say you do bc holy hell do fans feel special when you say that lol

Anyway, after each event he'll write down what you wore, how your hair was styled, what your makeup looked like, what you talked about, etc etc.

Will read social media posts from other fans about their conversations/observations with you

One fan will post that they figured out the perfume you were wearing at an event and posts the name and pic of the bottle

Deku's a little freak and will go buy a bottle to hide under his bed so he can sniff it and think of you

Will send you gifts regularly

Reads your blog posts religiously and checks to see if you have any of his gifts in the background of your photos

Saves the pics to his phone if you do

He has an embarrassing amount of your merch under his bed

Including magazines where you maaay have had done a beach shoot

Enough said

Let's hope his mom doesn't clean his room lmaooooo

((I have more but I'm making myself stop 💀))

[realcube]

YOU GOT: KŌTARŌ BOKUTO

matchup for @pinkgerm​

′I am a leo sun, pisces moon, and sag rising. im actually an artist that mainly works with traditional materials rn and graduating art school soon :’) my hobbies are watching anime and reading manhwas and mangas all night. love buying plushies and i love haikyuu <3′

♡ bokuto is a virgo and google says y’all would have a very productive relationship but i’m reading that like ??? hm ??? productive ??? let’s not pretend like you and this virgo man wouldn’t take every opportunity to procrastinate doing anything and everything just so y’all could toy around with squirt guns in the back garden :’) productive my ass

♡ he definitely thinks it’s crazy that you can draw and if you ever ask him for ideas for something to sketch, he’ll probably give you most absurd suggestion lol ‘ok, so hear me out; i had a dream last night so i think you should draw shrek except he’s wearing my jersey and he’s sitting kuroo’s business exam! and the invigilators are all cows!’ 

♡ your biggest fan- if you complain about one of your professors giving you a bad grade on a piece you worked hard on, bokuto will literally start writing a strongly-worded email to your professor as soon as you leave the room pfft

♡ bokuto wouldn’t read mangas on his own accord but like bc you read them, he’ll stay up all night with you just so he can spend more time with you 🥺 but be warned, he’ll point to random words like ‘what does that mean?’ or point out a funny expression a character is making in one of the panels and fkn cackle so if you aren’t ready for that, just put him to bed lol

♡ he’ll watch animes with you too! he gives a running commentary but dw tho- it’s pretty easy to zone him out 

 ♡ omg he loves plushies too 🥺 if he sees one that he likes/thinks you’ll like in a shop window — or god forbid, inside a claw machine — he’ll do everything in his power to get his hands on it

♡ also he personifies them so if you push one of the plushies off the bed while your are trying to sleep, he’ll pick it up and cradle it as if it was a baby, jokingly scolding you for being so heartless that you’d push an innocent owl off a ledge 

♡ he loves haikyuu too..i think??

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

‘i think my love language is physical affection and gift giving. i love giving gifts to people. doesnt even have to be for a special occasion. i like seeing objects that reminds me of someone and buying it for them bc i think they’d like it or just for shits lol.’

♡ yEs and bokuto does the exact same thing ( •̀ ω •́ )✧

♡ if he goes out grocery shopping without you, except him to come back with 3 bags full of random shit pfft

♡ or at the mall- like he never thought he’d women’s clothing store on his own but here he is, sifting through the clothing racks with a foolishly large grin on his face, in search of a new jumper he thinks you’d like bc once you off-handedly mentioned how you somehow got a hole in your favourite jumper 

♡ and whenever you buy something for him, he gets so soft 🥺

♡ not only with he never stop thanking you but he’ll overuse aforementioned gift 

♡ so if it’s a shirt or any article of clothing, he’ll claim it’s his favourite and wear it all. the. time. like he might not even wash it consistently- that’s how much he wears it. it’ll get to the point where you have to be like ✋ ‘bokuto stay away from me until you wash that damn shirt’

♡ oh and one time you bought him an owl plushie (along with other gifts) when he secured a place on the nationals team and he literally takes it abroad with him now (❤´艸｀❤) like when you can’t come with him on his volleyball trips, he takes the plush (bc it’s compact so it fits nicely in his suitcase/carry-on) and his teammates tease him for it (and so do you, kinda) but he keeps doing it. he knows it’s somewhat childish but it just reminds him of how happy you were when you first gave it to him and motivates him to train harder 👍 also, when he sees it, he thinks of you so when he arrives at his hotel room after an eventful day, he sees the owl and remembers to text you and ask you if you’re doing okay 

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‘i like being physically affectionate with someone i care about like playing with their hair, caressing/playing with their hands, hands on cheeks squishing their face stuff like that’

♡ bokuto would 100% let you play with his hair >< after a long day, he likes to take a shower, dry off so his hair it’s all fluffy and then lay his head in your laps o you can braid his hair, massage his scalp, whatever you want! also, sometimes he falls asleep while you are playing with his hair so remember to bring hair clips/scrunchies so you can put them into his hair and take pictures >:) you have a whole snapchat story dedicated to sleeping bokuto with cool hair styles-

♡ (bokuto with space buns hjskdfc pls)

♡ it’s like you were ask for bo omfg 🥺 like srsly he’d love that so much!! squish his cheeks and he’ll literally melt in your hands- like your touch just makes him feel so special, so valued and admired in a way that he genuinely can’t describe. he’d honestly rather have your adoration in favour of literally anyone else’s

♡ he’s apprehensive to touch you at first bc he’s scared that he might not know his own strength and hurt you but over time, he gets more comfortable and grip on your gets stronger as he becomes more afraid to lose you 

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for @pinkgem​: hi bb! i hope you like it :)) have a lovely day!

[astarion-dekarios]

Fic Writer Interview

Tagged by @everyonewasabird, thank you so much! <3

Name: SincereMercy on Ao3, at long last my tumblr name and Ao3 name match

Fandoms: Les Mis! I wish I wrote for other fandoms because one time I wrote like a <500-word ficlet for the Yakuza fandom as a complete unknown and got over 90 kudos and 9 bookmarks, and that sweet sweet external motivation feels really really good, but Sadly my heart is mostly stuck in Les Mis fandom.

Where you post: AO3, I also post some smaller stuff on Tumblr sometimes. Maybe I should export a couple of them bc they’re frankly better than some of the stuff on my AO3

Most popular one-shot: Easily, EASILY the Yakuza ficlet on my other secret Ao3 account. In Les Mis fandom it’s.... uh, the one-sided e/R ficlet I wrote once. ._. But if I’m counting not just kudos but actual bookmarks/comments/etc then it’s The Party of Humanity, a fic where Enjolras and Marius talk about politics together, which is good because that’s probably my best work.

Most popular multi-chapter:  I only have two multi-chapter fics! Right now it’s That Horizon Which One Beholds, a fic where Enjolras is injured during the July Revolution and Combeferre saves him, and also grapples with Combeferre’s feelings about the revolution in general... but I hope that soon it will become pontificale et guerrière, my collab with @marschallin and yet another fic about the July Revolution but with an AFAB Enjolras (and other Amis), which is much better researched and more deeply thought out and complicated. It’s still a work in progress though!

Favourite story I’ve written so far: The Party of Humanity!! I’m proud to say it’s genuinely certified a Good story.

Fic you were nervous to post: There are Nerves [and anxious ‘comminte????’] associated with everything I write, but I’ve been most especially nervous with ‘pontificale et guerrière‘, because ““gender-swapped”“ Amis are kind of a niche field to begin with and our approach to an AFAB Enjolras is a lot different than what is most popular-- and also my new WIP, which not only features people actually having sex but also Violent Homophobia, so a pretty big departure from what I am known for and I worry about how it will be received.

How do you choose your titles: Used to do a lot of single-word titles, now I’m leaning more on the side of the classic “use a quote from Les Mis”. I have a working title for my new WIP that is neither of those though.

Do you outline: No lol. The one fic I fully outlined before I started died before it was truly born. That said with pontificale et guerrièrre I am trying more of an outline-y approach so that we Know what is going to happen next. I think to some extent it’s necessary when you are working with someone else? Anyway I’ve always been bad at outlines including for academic writing.

Complete: Almost everything.

In progress:  Pontificale et guerrièrre-- we’ve struggled a bit on the third chapter due to a Number of both internal and external Events happening, and also I confess I have been somewhat Discouraged By the lack of reception to chapter 2. But really this is why I don’t as a rule post WIPs chapter-by-chapter and why I probably won’t do after this one is finished. ALSO, “new” fic, working title “A Soft Place to Fall”, which is a continuation to this “definitely just a one-shot” thing I posted on logic & philosophy week.

Coming soon/not yet started: I feel that I have already answered this mostly unless my finals due this week count. :)

Prompts: I like doing them, a lot. 7/13 of my published works on Ao3 are Gifts for other people, and then so is Everything I’ve published on tumblr but not Ao3. It might take me literally a year or even more to get around to it but I do like doing them. I even like doing them without being asked. I wrote “A Light Troubled By Smoke” randomly as a treat bc I like @everyonewasabird and saw he’d requested something for the April Fools Exchange, which ended up being perhaps Cosmically Ordained bc I think the author assigned to him must have dropped out or something? Idk.

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: I already talked about this from my end!!! @marschallin said she is writing something else too so I’m excited to see when that comes out. :)

No-pressure tagging: @marschallin @combeferre