#like i can't tell if people actually like me or if i'm completely missing social cues

[lynkss]

why do i always feel so alone even when surrounded by friends

[laneywrld]

things lost and things found | Lewis Hamilton

part two

word count: 10k

warnings: smut, smut, more smut, fluff.

A man not made for commitment also doesn’t know how to communicate

It's safe to say that since that night in Cannes nearly two months ago, the lines have blurred.

Every night Clem spends with Lewis ends with her falling asleep nestled in his arms.

Some nights, they don't even have sex; he just calls her up to see him. 

Their outings are no longer limited to his bedroom or whatever hotel he's shacked up in. They're often found all over tabloids and fan pages, seen out at clubs or dinners or even on simple excursions such as shopping or taking walks.

Clementine tries her hardest to remember that Lewis was noncommittal. He would never ever even think about dating her or taking her seriously. That realization and his vocally telling her to not make things weird every time he can see that he catches her off guard keeps her on track. 

Clem knew what she signed up for; quite literally, the NDA she signed entailed every component of their relationship.

Besides the weird butterflies she got around Lewis, life was only getting better and better.  

Being around someone who understands her fully and allows her to completely unravel herself to them has really been good for Clem socially and career-wise.

She was less awakward around people, less reserved and she felt like hey, this man has accepted me for my every little flaw, why wouldn't other people. 

She was moving up in the world, and people loved her for who she was, and for the first time ever, she did too.

She's won an emmy for her netflix show, her movie was breaking records, and she was finally stepping out of her box and showcasing other skills she had.

Along with this new burst of confidence came new relationships. 

She's been trying to go out on dates to see if now was finally the time for her to try to settle down and find something serious.

That what she was doing currently, at dinner sitting across from some NBA players as he rambles on and on about different shots he couldve taken during the game, that he most definitely lost.

Clem hums, eyes feigning interest as he describes how he actually wasn't open when he tried to go for a three-pointer. Shocker, he missed.

When he excuses himself to run to the bathroom, she whips out her phone, seeing that Lewis texted her. 

Lewis 🏁

How's your date?

She shakes her head, typing out her response.

dense. how's silverstone? 

Lewis 🏁

Nerve-wracking, my car is still shit.

i'm sorry 😞  

Lewis 🏁

I'm going to need you tonight.

Lewis, i'm on a date.

Clem scoffs, but the smile on her face as she presses send is misleading.

Lewis 🏁

Is he getting lucky tonight?

NO!

Lewis 🏁

So why can't I?

Clem feels the familiar tingle in her core and places her phone face down on the table just as her date takes his seat in front of her again. 

She can't help the incredulous eyebrow raise she gives him as she sees a powdery substance painting his nostril.

"Yeah, it was nice meeting you, love." She smiles politely as she stands and motions for him to wipe his nose. He lifts his camera just as Clem drops enough money to cover her bill and tip the waitress generously. 

She hops into the black SUV, thanking her driver for helping her into the back. She unlocks her phone and sees another message from Lewis.

Lewis 🏁

My jet will be waiting for you.

That is precisely how Clementine ended up in Lewis' hotel room, waiting for him on the bed as he took a quick shower. 

When he emerges from the bathroom she can only offer him an uplifting smile, he looks so tired and so stressed. 

It helps, it always does which is why Lewis wanted her here in the first place. She was like sunrise after the darkest of nights.

"Hi," she coos, opening her arms for the muscly man.

He falls into her arms, his torso bare and his bottom half swaddled in a towel. He lays his head in her lap as she sits against the headboard. He looks up at her face as she stares down at his, and she physically pouts as she brings her fingers up to massage the stress lines from his face.

"That bad?" she whispers as his eyes flutter closed. Lewis sighs, grumbling out a faint "Yeah."

"You don't have to go through it much longer, at least." She tries and she knows it does nothing to take the heavy weight of mercedes off of his shoulders.

"You feel like you're carrying the weight of the world." She hums, her hands traveling down to rub the tension out of his neck. Her fist rubs up and down from the sides of his neck to the crook of his shoulders.

Lewis lets out a relaxed sigh, letting her work on him. 

She doesn't know how long she sits there with him snuggled into her lap as she kneads the tension from his body. 

After a while, she connects to his speaker and plays music. She has Lewis turn over onto his stomach as she slips from underneath him.

She hums as she sits on his bottom and begins massaging his back. "Your back is bruised."

"I was bouncing around like crazy in that fucking car." He curses.

Clementine bends down, pressing kisses around his back on the purple and red marks adorning his skin. 

Lewis closes his eyes, relishing in the comfort she gives him.

Lewis has noticed it, too, the turn their dynamic has taken. He is aware that he has given slight leeway to the emotional part of their relationship. 

He finds himself thinking about Clem plenty throughout the days. Buys things he thinks she'll like. He's grown accustomed to placing delicate pecks on her lips and face randomly throughout their time together; he can't help it.

Something about her has him wanting her all of the time, not even in th physical way. He just wants her to be with him.

"Can you come out to the race tomorrow?" He rasps.

She sits up, her legs still encaging his body. "Hmm, I don't think your publicity team will like that, people are already speculating about us."

"I don't care." Lewis argues, "It's about time you come to a race, wanna see you immediately not wait to get to the hotel and then see you."

His words make her heart thump harsher, and suddenly, all of the warnings from her publicist dissipate.

"Okay." 

Lewis didn't initiate sex between them that night. He simply turns over with her still on top of him and places his hands on her thighs.

"Come here," he whispers, reaching up to tug her head down to his face.

Their lips lock and it's not rushed or leading to anything. It's like how he kissed her in France. It's just sweet?

She can feel his heart against her chest as she is pressed against him, beating rampantly. "Thank you for showing up for me." He mutters against her lips. She grins against him as she remembers the words she scribbled onto the note she'd given him with her gift.

"Always." she breathes, diving back in to kiss him. One hand travels to her waist, and the other has a soft grip on the back of her neck. 

She feels his member poke against her thigh, and she sits up as much as she can with his hand on her neck, ready to free him from the towel, but the hand he had on her waist stops her actions with a grip on her wrist.

"I just want to lay with you tonight, if that's okay?"

Just when she thought she was safe from her tom-foolish thoughts, she felt her suppressed feelings for Lewis take light again. Don't make it weird, she thinks to herself. "Okay." 

Lewis sits up, his hand returning to her hip; she is sat in his lap, legs folded, and his body pushes her slightly back as he tugs on the comforter. He falls back taking her with him and pulls the thick comforter over her body which lays against his chest.

"What's one thing that surprised you about me?"

Clem traces her fingers on his chest in deep thought, "that you don't do relationships."

"Why that?"

"You're a lover boy at heart." Clem chortled, "Literally just a sweetheart. Most men who can't see themselves being with someone don't act as affectionate with women."

Lewis lets out a hmm sound, his hand still gliding up and down her back beneath his t-shirt that she wore.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Good, there's nothing wrong with being a sweetheart; bad if someone gets the wrong idea; I have a feeling you're an easy man to fall in love with."

Lewis presses a kiss to her hairline, butterflies doing summersaults in his belly. 

-

They wake up the next morning in the same position, with Clem's face nestled in the crook of his neck. Lewis smiles as he reaches over to turn off his alarm.

"Gotta get up, Clem." He soothes, rubbing up and down her back. 

"Mhmm." She moans in denial, cuddling deeper into him. "No."

"Come on, beautiful."

He sits up, forcing her up with him.

She flutters her eyes open and wraps her arms around his neck. 

He chuckles at her defiance, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and standing. He taps her thigh and she gets the message, wrapping them around his waist.

He walks her into the bathroom and sits her down on the bathroom counter. "Sit here, be careful." He orders, unraveling her from his body. He almost gives up and tucks her back into bed as she whines at him.

He leaves the bathroom and returns with a small bag of hers. She slumps against the mirror as she hears him rustling about. When she hears the faucet turn on and then feels his big hands massage circles into her cheeks, she opens her eyes.

There, she sees Lewis standing there with a cheeky smile, his hands lathered in her face soap as he massages the suds onto her face.

"Going to have to get my girl ready myself, huh?" He questions.

She only smirks at him and closes her eyes, letting him work through her skincare routine step by step, laughing as he inquires about every product.

When he finishes, he washes his own face and then passes her toothbrush to her. He stands between her legs as they both brush their teeth. Both of them stare at each other with googly eyes, laughing as foam bubbles from their mouths. When she leans over to spit into the sink, he follows shortly after and then pours a capful of mouthwash for her and them himself. And again, they stare into each other's eyes, giggly and gleaming, as they swish the liquid between their puffy cheeks.

This is where Clementine struggled with the status of their agreement. These weren't the actions of a man who didn't intend to be in a relationship. But she had heard of Lewis and his many flings and "friends" and she knew that he was a very affectionate person so once again she willed away the thought that there was any chnace of Lewis ever straying away from his bachelor lifestyle. 

She pats his shoulder beckoning him to step away, when he does she hops down and releases the last of the contents from her mouth into the sink and stepping aside so Lewis can do the same. 

"I'm going to grab my clothes." She informs.

As she lays her outfit options across the bed, she hears a vibration beneath her shirt, and she leans over the bed, patting until she finds the culprit. When she feels the device, she pulls it from underneath and sees that it's not her phone but Lewis'.

The screen lights up with notifications. 

One catches her eye from, Natalie.

Lewis did feel comfortable enough to disclose his other flings to her, and she nearly shit herself when he associated them all with cities. She remembers the way he laughed when she asked if she needed to get tested. Then she asked if he had referred to her as Clementine, NYC.

Natalie, Silverstone. She recalls.

It wasn't like she was intentionally snooping, but as the screen lit up in her hand again, she couldn't help but read the message as it appeared.

Still on for tomorrow?

At first, she feels a pang in her chest, but then she remembers her place, and she gently sits his phone on the nightstand, allowing the screen to turn off.

"Hey, you okay?" Lewis questioned, poking his head from the bathroom, realizing that she had stopped responding to him. 

She is stood facing the bed with her hands on her hips, scanning her oufits. "Yeah," she smiles though it doesn't quite meet her eyes. 

He eyes her quizically, but when she chuckles at his facial expression, pulls her outfit from the bed, and saunters into the bathroom with him, he relaxes.

Clem is in her head, and she hopes it's not obvious to Lewis.

But she can't help but wonder why he would fly her out just to make plans to sleep with another woman in the span of two days.

She's hurt, and she's jealous, and she knows she shouldn't be, but a part of her wants to slap the shit out of him. 

Instead, she refrains and plays into whatever sick bullshit he was playing with her heart unintentionally.

-

She arrives to the paddock with Lewis and she tries not to grimace as he tells a journalist that he brings friends with him to races all of the time, as they pass by.

He opens the door to the Mercedes motorhome like the proper gentleman he is and directs her into his room.

"I'm just going to change into my suit, and then we can head to the garage, okay?"

She nods and pulls out her phone. Already, she sees that they are trending. 

Lewis steps out of the room and leaves the door open. A few minutes pass before she hears an audible gasp.

When she looks up, she sees a bright-eyed George Russell.

"Hello, Hi! I'm George, I'm a big fan." He enters the compact room, his hand outstretched before him. She stands from Lewis' bed and accepts his hand.

"Hi, George, I'm Clem."

"I know who you are. What are you doing here?" He wonders.

"I'm a friend of Lewis'. I wanted to see you guys race today."

George stutters out a wow, beginning to ramble on before he is interrupted by a throat clearing at the door. There stands Lewis, with a burning look on his face that makes George immediately drop her hand.

"Lewis." He gasps, "How do you literally know everyone, man?"

She smiles, raising her eyebrows behind Lewis as George rambles about her.

Lewis claps his hands against George's shoulder before speaking, "I love you, kid. But we've got to get going."

And then he reached his arm around George and latched onto Clem and pulled her from behind him.

George stammers out a quick bye, and Clem waves sweetly at him as Lewis pulls her from the motorhome and towards the garage.

"He's so sweet," Clem coos, and Lewis only grunts out a "yeah."

"He looks like a literal prince charming." She extends.

Lewis doesn't want to hear her call his teammate any more kinds of cute, so he opts not to respond.

When they finally reach the garage, he is sitting her down beside Toto, who introduces himself with a warm and welcoming smile.

She accepts his hand, gently shaking it, and in return, Lewis gets whisked away.

She enjoys her time in the garage, whilst Lewis talk to his strategist she is sat beside Toto and a few engineers and she feels like she is on a field trip as they explain the many different parts of their setup. Finally Lewis appears at her side again, beckoning her to follow him. She accepts his hand, lifting from her seat and walking hand in hand with him to his car.

"Wow." she gasps as she studies the racing car.

"You want to get in?" Lewis questions. She turns to him with wide eyes, and Lewis can see the excitement in her dark orbs.

"You don't like people in your car." She reminds, peering back down at it.

"I said I don't let just anyone in my car, are you just anyone?" He is staring at her so intensely it has her body on fire.

She felt shy underneath his gaze as he stepped closer to her.

She stands tall, looking up at him through her lashes. He's nearly bumping chests with her as he looms over her.

"There's an entire team in here, Lewis, and cameras." She whispers only loud enough for the two of them to hear.

He doesn't care. He leans down, his mouth near her ear, "Are you just anyone to me, Clementine?"

She swallows nervously as he takes a step back, "No."

"Then get in the fucking car."

Toto watches on from his seat in amazement as Lewis lifts her frame into the car. He then turns and looks into the camera with his eyebrows raised as to show his impressment. 

He put two and two together that she was a personal guest for Lewis. It was obvious since Mercedes had already planned for Tom Cruise and Damson Idris' arrival for the race today.

Lewis leans into the car as he motions to different parts on the inside of the automobile. 

Clem honestly couldn't give two fucks about the car, but she was relishing in how passionate Lewis looked and sounded as he spoke about every aspect of it. She hadn't moved her eyes from his face not once, and Lewis froze as he turned to face her and saw the wanting look adorning her features.

It has him hard instantly.

"Behave." He warns, turning his head to survey their surroundings.

"You're fine as fuck when you're talking cars."

Lewis chuckles, and a blush comes up to cover his cheeks. He lifts his hand, his knuckles skimming along her jaw.

"I want to kiss you, but people will see."

She drops her face against his hand, puckering her bottom lip out at him.

"Aw, too bad." She whispers seductively, and Lewis whispers out a quiet "fuck." as she tugs her bottom lip between her teeth. His thumb reaches up and drags it back out.

"Gotta be nice to me right now, Clem. Hmm?" He hums, not bothering to remove his thumb from her lip. He smears his finger across, watching as it pops back into place. 

"Help me out of this car." She smirks, lifting her arms, "Before you do something you'll regret, there are cameras around."

"I don't give a fuck about the cameras." He rasps and breaks out into a grin when she bursts into a fit of laughter. He smacks his teeth, standing up straight, preparing to get her out.

"You like fucking with me." He declares.

Lewis helps her from the car, his hands probably lingering on her lower back for far too long once she's back on the ground.

"Lewis." He hears, and when he turns around, he sees Tom and Damson.

He pulls Clem with him, introducing her to the pair. He instantly regrets it when he sees the way Damson eyes her down like she's a refreshing tall glass of water.

 Tom starts up a conversation with Lew about the business they need to handle for his upcoming movie, but his eyes can't leave Clem's frame, and how Damson brings her hand up to his lips. 

He feels like a suicidal maniac when he watches her laugh and smile at whatever he is saying.

He'd met him before, and trust, whatever he was saying couldn't possibly be that funny.

Lewis wants to rip Toto's head off as he directs the two of them into a set of empty seats. He was less than present during the conversation with Tom, and he hoped he hadn't noticed. His arms are folded over his chest, and his foot is tapping the ground anxiously. He tries not to make it obvious when he directs Tom to his spot and takes his in order to keep an eye on Clem.

When the time for the start of the race gets closer he is thankful to see Tom take his place beside Toto. 

He saunters over to the still chatty pair and stands in front of Clem. He waits for her to notice him, and when she doesn't, he clears his throat rather dramatically. 

She stands when she notices him, shooting Damson an apologetic smile that has him ready to drag her off. Which he does.

He pulls her to a corner of the garage and up the stairs into a random office and locks the door. 

"You okay." Clem questions, stepping towards him and placing her hands on his waist. "Lewis." she tries again when he doesn't answer.

He looks stressed and zoned out.

"I- uh yeah." he coughs and suddenly he feels better having her away from Damson. "i'm fine, pre-race jitters." He lies.

Her hands slide up his chest until they settle on the sides of his head.

She tilts his head so that he's staring into her eyes. 

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"I'm regretting this." He admits and her eyes squint, "bringing you here, I mean."

That does nothing to alleviate her hurt expression, so he continues, "My car is still shit, I don't want you to watch me lose."

She scoffs, gently slapping her hand against his shoulder before returning it to its place caressing his beard. "Would’ve watched you lose at home too, what's the difference. I'm going to support you all the same."

Lewis leans down and presses a short, soft kiss to her plump lips.

Her eyes flutter closed as he stares down at her, and finally, his hands raised to her hips, pulling her into him. "I don't think that I tell you thank you enough for all of the ways you help me, Clem."

"You don't have to," she whispers, dropping her forehead against his chest. He rests his chin on top of her head, putting his arms over her shoulders as hers wraps around his torso.

Lewis likes this. He thinks he can start every race for the rest of his career like this. When he hears a knock on the door, he groans but shoots Clem a warning look as she chuckles at him.

"Big baby." she teases, moving around him to unlock the door. He maneuvers behind her, reaching to open it, and when he does, he sees Toto there with a knowing smirk.

"Time to race, Lewis."

She allows Lewis to pull her from the office hand in hand, and she knows her publicist is probably in New York and stressed running through cigarettes. She always joked that this Lewis rendezvous would result in her smoking her stress away.

Lewis knows something is wrong with him for sure when he realizes that he doesn't care about the camera or who's watching him show Clem his affection. He knows they're going to be the main topic of every tabloid tomorrow, and he just doesn't care.

She stands in front of him beside his car as the crew bustles around them.

When it's time for Lewis to finish his preparation, he motions his head towards Clem, and suddenly, her hands are stuffed with a balaclava and a pair of gloves. 

She turns to the man who handed them to her and he offers her a small smile. 

She turns to Lewis, and he can tell she's trying to fight off the grin that desperately wants to appear.

She reaches for his right hand, tugging the glove onto his hand gently, she checks each finger and pulls to make sure the fit is snug. She repeats her actions on his left hand and then Lewis firmly places his hands on her waist. He's looking at her with those sparkly eyes and a loving smile.

She turns the balaclava in her hands, trying to figure out which way to pull it over his head. When she sees the opening, she lets out an "Aahh" that has Lewis chuckling at her.

She stands on her tiptoes, freeing his braids from the ponytail and pushing them back. She hums to herself as she pulls the balaclava over his head. 

She settles back on her feet, and she can only see his eyes, but it does something to her. 

She reaches between them pulling the upper half of his suit up his body, giggling when he grunts realizing he's got to let go of her to push his arms through the sleeves.

His hands are back on her in an instant, like by not physically touching her he'd fly away.

Clem reaches between them again; this time, her fingers latch onto the zipper, and she tugs it up from his pelvis all the way up his chest until it's set in place. 

"I don't know, Lew. I think we've at least got a podium." She whispers, accepting the helmet.

She steps back, allowing his hands to fall, and then hands him the helmet.

"I can feel it in my bones." 

"Oh," Lewis laughs, "Can feel it in your bones?" He sticks out his free hand, tickling at her.

Clementine laughs, stepping back and gripping his arm, "Stop!" 

He listens, pulling on his helmet and looking back at his car.

"Well, that's me."

Clem feels like a lovesick puppy as she watches his eyelashes flutter with every blink of his eyes.

"Podium." She reminds him, lifting her pinky.

"Podium." He declares, wrapping his own against hers. He lifts their conjoined hands and places them against his helmet where his mouth would be, and she swoons.

"Get in the car, Hamilton."

She's a giddy mess as she steps away from him and finds herself accepting a seat from one of the crew members.

She sighed while watching the screen as Lewis started in P5. He is quickly into P4. She feels her adrenaline kick in as the crew cheers excitedly watching him overtake into third. When he overtakes two other drives all in the same lap the garage erupts in shouts of excitement, just for that to be taken away just as fast when they see a car barrel through off od the track and into the fence.

Clem gasps, her hand coming up to cup her mouth.

She knew Formula One was a dangerous sport, but watching a wreck like that happen in real-time has her mind reeling on just how much danger Lewis puts himself in.

"Is he okay?" She hears as the crew all talk amongst themselves.

"George is out of the race. The other driver is okay." Toto announces, "We're restarting."

Lewis is back in the garage, and he is irritated.

Clem stays back and out of his way as she watches him angrily rant. "That is not right, Toto." He snaps, "back in fifth?"

She watches as Toto nods at him, and Lewis turns to his assistant, rolling his eyes. He looks so frustrated as he throws his hand out, "fucking fifth."

Clem knew that when she was angry that she didn't like to be bothered, so she stayed in her seat. She feels a body plop down beside her, and she turns to see Damson.

"Intense, yeah?" He questions.

"Most definitely." She sighs, "My adrenaline is off the charts right now."

"First time coming to a race?"

She nods, returning the question, "Nah, this is like the NFL to Brits."

She laughs, "Right."

The two chat whilst the rest of the garage is in shambles, and Lewis watches the two with slits in his eyes. 

He knows he shouldn't be jealous. Clem was nothing to him but a friend who he enjoys fucking. It's what he tells himself as Damson passes his phone to her. She was just his friend. He'd even encouraged her to get out there and find her person.

But that was before he realized how differently she made his heartbeat.

Lewis doesn't bother going over to her before the race restarts, he can feel her lingering eyes as he manuevers around the garage, avoiding her.

Lewis feels a bit enraged. Initially, it was just the FIA and their stupid fucking rules, then it was the car, and now it was Clementine and the stupid British actor drooling over each other in his face.

It was all piling on top of him, and he hadn't felt so unsettled ever before a race. 

He hops back into his car, not sparing Clem a glance, and rolls out into P5.

This time the only thing on his mind is how fucking mad he is. 

That anger got him P3. 

He doesn't know why he doesn't approach Clem as she waits for him patiently in her seat. He goes around and thanks the crew and the engineers and has a brief talk with Toto and Tom. And then he leaves to go to the podium, all without even glancing at her.

Clem, always aware, remains silent and tries to keep the pout from taking place on her face.

She tries not to take Lewis' actions personal, it's obvious he's wound up. She doesn't know if it's something she did or if he's still frustrated by the race restart. Logically it's the second, she's learned that not everyone's behaviors have to do with her. It's taken years of her enternalizing other people's moods to realize that 9/10 people are just feeling things. She hasn't done anything, she's sure of it.

She is directed into the motorhome whilst Lewis handles other business and she sits in his room on his bed waiting patiently.

When Lewis had brought up the idea of bringing her to the race yesterday, he raved on and on about how she'd be able to walk the track, wait with his team whilst he's on the podium (if he got one), and get the classic guest experience. She hadn't gotten that, which was a letdown since she really wanted to experience Lewis' world, but she understood why that wasn't possible today after seeing Lewis' mood.

But still, it would have been nice not to sit in his motorhome and then the garage all day, just to end up back in his motorhome alone for hours. 

When Lewis emerges into the tiny room he is clean and dressed in comfortable clothes. He had been on the phone in the office preparing a few arrangements for the past hour. He sighs as he sees her frame sprawled across the tiny bed. 

There are soft puffs of air escaping her, and her phone is clutched loosely in her hand.

He can tell she fell asleep scrolling through her phone.

He sits on the foot of the bed at her feet and drops his head into his hands.

He doesn't know what he's doing. But he does know he can't keep going on like this. Lewis didn't like relationships, he didn't like being tied down, it wasn't fair of him to only want Clem to himself when she would never get all of him. 

"C'mon Clem, let's get you back."

Like the sleepy girl she is, she whines as Lewis pulls her body from the bed, placing her on her feet. 

"Can you walk?" 

She only nods, reaching over to grab her bag and her phone. She doesn't speak to Lewis quite yet, still unsure of his mood. She lets him direct her from the motorhome, his hand tight in hers as he leads her through the paddock. It is so late at night that there are rarely any people hanging around. When they exit and get to his car, the flashes from the cameras wake her up even more, and she uses the back of her hand to block the lights. 

Lewis walks her to the passenger side, waiting for her to slip in before he closes the door gently and goes around to his seat.

He pulls out cautiously and begins their trek to the hotel.

Clem forces herself to stay awake, knowing that it's only a short drive.

Still, she is waiting for Lewis to speak, but he doesn't. 

"I had fun," she announces.

"I'm glad."

"You got podium." She cheers lowly.

Lewis only offers her a small smile, and uncertainty settles in her gut. Something's not right.

She gives up trying to talk to him after that. 

The car is filled with tension and awkward silence. It's so unlike them.

When they pull into the hotel, Clem doesn't wait for the valet to open her door. She clambers out and thanks god as the night breeze fills her lungs. She's never felt so suffocated around Lewis.

As Lewis exchanges formalities with the man she rushes into the hotel and onto the elevator, when she reaches the room she unlocks it with the secondary key taking a moment to gulp down a glass of water.

Lewis follows in behind her shortly after, paying her no mind as he goes to the bathroom and emerges with his shirt and jewelry off.

"You got an attitude?" Lewis questions, standing in the doorframe.

"No, I don't." 

"I know you, Clementine." Lewis rasps, coming to stand over her as she sits on the bed.

"You're the one with the nasty ass attitude." She huffs, reaching up to nudge him away from her. He doesn't budge.

"Lose the attitude, Clem." He orders, and she rolls her eyes. 

"Or what, Lewis?" She pushes.

Lewis' hand is at her neck in a second. His grip is not tight at all, just holding her in place as he ravishes her mouth. Just as frustrated as he is, she returns the kiss.

"Got something for that attitude," Lewis grunts, pushing her onto her back.

She gasps as he roughly pulls at her pants.

He has them off before she knows it, and his hand lets go of her neck and travels down to pull at her panties. He rips them off of her with a hunger in his eyes like no other. 

"Gotta fuck it out of you, Clem?" He asks. 

He doesn't give her time to answer as he sinks down to his knees at the end of the bed and pulls her down with him. He lifts her legs over him and wraps his arms around her thighs. His hands settle on her thighs, keeping them apart, and he stares up at her one last time before connecting his mouth to her clit.

She jumps, but his hands hold her in place.

He removes his lips from her bundle of nerves, his tongue traveling down to swipe through her crease. She moans lightly as she fists at the sheets. His fingers travel up to replace his mouth, and he digs them deep into her core, his tongue flicking against her clit before he presses it flat and moves up and down.

Clem gasps as he curls his fingers inside her and suckles extra hard on her. Her hand shoots down to push him away, but he catches her wrist in his free hand, holding it against the mattress. 

He stares up at Clem, the whole scene naughty and erotic. He lets her other hand come down to rest in his hair. 

Lewis moans into her, his mouth sending a wave of vibrations through her body. Lewis never took his eyes off of her, watching as she writhed above him. He was showing her no mercy as the gushy sounds filled the room. 

She tasted so good.

Lewis worked his tongue around her clit, teasing her only for a minute before he smushed his mouth over it again and suckled just the right amount, his fingers still thrust in and out of her, driving her absolutely insane. He moans into her pussy and trails his mouth down to swallow where she is oozing. 

Lewis lets her captivating moans egg him on as he devours her like a starved man. He can feel it when she comes when her tight, spongy pussy constricts around his fingers. He happily licks up the juices she releases as she comes undone. 

He pulls his fingers from her core and stands, quickly turning her body over. She lands on her stomach with a slight "oomph" noise and turns to look back at Lewis.

He wastes no time hammering into her from behind. He grabs her arms pulling them behind her back and crossing her wrists; with one hand, he holds them against her back, and with the other, he swats at her ass. Groaning as he watches it ripple.

"Fuck."

Clem can do nothing but pant underneath him and let out pathetic mewls as his hand repeatedly strikes her ass. It hurts so good.

Lewis keeps pounding into her hard, his heart racing as he chases his own orgasm. He sees her phone light up beside him, and a message from Damson appears. 

When he sees this, he speeds up his thrusts, gliding his thick member in and out of her suffocating walls. 

She can only blubber out useless moans as he plummets in and out of her.

He lets go of her wrist, pulling her up onto all fours. 

"You get a thrill out of pissing me off?" He grunts, his hand going up to grip her hair.

"No!" she whines, gripping the covers.

"I think you do." 

His other hand is gripping her waist, pulling her back to him every time she falls forward.

"Nuh-unh." He orders from behind her, letting go of her hair and holding on to her waist tightly with both hands now.

"Don't run from it, baby. You wanted this, huh? This what you want?"

Clem rasps out a choked yes, her head falling at the intense pleasure running through her veins.

Lewis sounds like a beast behind her, all strangled up and growling out praises at her. 

He feels so possessive as his hand lifts and smacks at her ass again. "Fucking, mine." He growls, and Clem falls forward. He doesn't stop as her legs give in, and she drops to the bed again. He climbs behind her, still keeping his pace, and throws his head back as she quivers around him like a candle on fire. 

He can feel the heat building in his core, and it eggs him on as he places his hands on her ass, holding her in place.

Clementine spasms beneath him, never experiencing an orgasm like this before. Her heart feels like it's beating outside of her chest as her ears ring and her eyes roll to the back of her head. She can only curse over and over as she feels Lewis drag out of her and return again with much more force. 

This was the best sex she'd ever gotten in her life.

Her walls clenched around him, her breath hitching as he moved aimlessly in and out of her.

Lewis shuddered at the feeling, sucking in a sharp breath at the sensation. She is face down, panting into the mattress as he pants above her.

She can't count how many times she has come undone underneath him, but as she feels another orgasm approaching, she can't help the way her thighs tremble underneath Lewis. 

Lewis is an incoherent, mumbling and moaning mess above her as he allows himself to succumb to her squeezing cunt, clamping over him. Lewis falls into the abyss, pleasure washing over both of them as he spills into her.

He pulls out with a hiss, shuddering at his sensitivity, and falls over beside Clementine, who rolls onto her back.

"Woah." she pants.

Lewis feels her phone vibrate and he watches as she scambled down the bed to get it, he feels green as he watches her smile at the screen.

Just as she moves to lie beside him again, he speaks up with words that make her feel dismayed.

"I booked you a room."

He turns away from her, staring at the ceiling.

"I- What?" She stutters, turning to face him.  

"It's just a floor below, suite 909."

Clem is distraught, and it shows on her face as she jumps away from the bed as if Lewis has burned her. "Lewis, what-"

Her words are cut off as her phone vibrates in her hand. Lewis chuckles dryly, finally tilting his head to face her. Suddenly Clem feels like a little girl again, wondering why her parents never made an effort in her life, wondering why it was so easy for them to push her aside like they didn't care that she existed.

"What's the matter? Are we okay?" She rambles.

Stop talking, Lewis. He thinks to himself as he watches Clem's eyes flash with wetness. Even sad, she has doe eyes, still shining, but this time, there are tears in her eyes and an intense sadness. 

"Yeah," he should’ve stopped there, but he kept going. "I'll probably see you tomorrow. If not, it'll be the next time I need you." He motions to the bed.

Clem frowns, letting out an exhale as she bends down to tug on her pants. As she maneuvers around the room collecting her suitcase, Lewis calls out to her. "I put the room key beside your toiletry bag."

She slips into the bathroom, picking up her small bag, and sure enough, the keycard is there. She grasps it in her hand and walks out. She wants to scream at him, tell him how big of a dick he's being, but she's not that kind of person.

She is graceful. But it's taking everything in her to channel the lessons her grandpa has taught her when she is this mad, this hurt. 

Clem avoids looking at Lewis as she latches onto her suitcase. 

 "Maybe you should start considering finding someone who's serious, Clementine."

Is this what this is about? She knew the blurred lines would come back to bite her in the ass eventually.

She freezes, her back turned to him as her hand pauses on the door handle. And her body shakes slightly as a her frown deepens, she feels a stream of tears flow down her cheeks.

And just when Lewis thinks that Clem is going to turn around and argue with him, probably throw something at him and shout at him, she doesn't.

She lifts one hand, swiping at her face, and then softly opens the door and leaves without so much as looking back at him. The door clicks shut behind her, and she walks on down the hallway towards the elevator. 

The words don't react, echoing over and over in her head, but as she hears the wheel rolling on her suitcase, she can't help but feel the trembling in her body. She presses her lips together, stepping onto the elevator, and as the doors close, she lets out a gutwrenching sob. 

She sniffles as she steps into the suite. Rushing to the bathroom to shed her clothes, she showers wiping all traces of Lewis Hamilton from her body the way she wishes she can erase him from her mind. She scrubs harshly, eyes still full with tears, between the scorchingly hot water, steam and the tears she can barely see anything as she scrubs severely.

For the first time since agreeing to this arrangement, she feels used by Lewis. She's never felt so dirty in her life. As she sank down to her knees, feeling the wails rip through her body with force, she realized why exactly his words and actions hurt her so much. 

It didn't matter how much she showed up for him or how much she allows herself to be his shrink and him hers, it'd always be a bad religion, loving someone who'd never love you back.

Lewis is in the same position he has been in since she left, flat on his back with his hands covering his face. His body is quivering as sobs rack through his body.

It was a tough decision, but it was one that had to be made. He could never give Clem what she deserved; he wasn't a committed person. Seven years on and off with the same person is proof of that. He could never be okay with putting her through that.

-

Lewis wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache and lingering loneliness. 

He always felt like this when he woke up without Clem in his arms. As he sits up and swipes his hands over his face, his heart aches when he notices her ripped panties thrown on the floor.

He regrets his actions. 

He wishes he would've sat her down nicely and explained how things were getting too deep for him. It's Clem, she would've understood. 

He realizes just how bad he fucked up when her giddiness to lay beside him last night flickers through his mind like a clip from a movie.

"What if we lay in bed after every meetup and we just talk?"

He feels like he's been shot when her hurt face replays over and over. He treated her like shit last night, all because he was scared of what she made him feel. 

He was a mess during yesterday's race; all he could think about down every straight and around every curve was how much he liked Clem, how good she made him feel, and bad she could make him feel just as easily.

He realized that the woman had too much control over his heart yesterday, and he couldn't take that. This was supposed to be fun, casual fun. He never inteded to catch feeling for Clementine Russell, but she was the kind of girl who made you drop to her feet.

He never stood a chance against her charm.

He scrambled from the king-sized bed, rushing to his phone.

-

When he hears a knock on his door, he opens it in a rush; he sees the butler there and offers him a finger to signal to hold on. He rushes to his table, picking up the bouquet of flowers, an array of red, yellow, and orange orchids, dahlias, and marigolds. 

"Can you take these down to suite 909?" Lewis pants pushing the boquet towards the man, there is a note nestled between the pedals.

The man tilts his head, pushing the flowers back towards Lewis.

"I am sorry, Sir Hamilton, Ms Russell has checked out already in the early hours of Midnight."

Lewis feels his heart crumble as he steps away from the man, the giant bouquet firm in his hold.

Lewis says nothing as he closes the door and walks away. 

-

Clem had left that night, not long after leaving Lewis' room. After her shower, she was on the first flight home, and she hadn't spoken to Lewis since. 

Lewis misses Clementine. It's a realization that he came to rather quickly but refused to admit.

Lewis pulls himself out of the leggy woman he picked up at the end of his race. She drops down beside him in heavy pants. 

"That was fun." She exhales.

He doesn't know why when he turns his head, he expects to see Clem staring back at him with her dark eyes and cute smile. 

This woman is no Clementine, and that's for sure. 

He doesn't know why he tries it, but he does. "You can go anywhere in the world under one condition. You'd have to stay there forever; everything is unchanged, and nothing new will ever come. Where do you choose?"

He watches as her eyes scrunch momentarily in confusion.

"I don't know. It's probably Paris. I'm obsessed with their lifestyle, honestly."

Lewis turns his head back to the ceiling.

He wants her to leave. And he wants Clementine to be in her place.

It's quiet and awkward, and she doesn't even try to ask him. 

He already knows his answer. He'd be with Clem in his bed, hands connected as they lie naked underneath his covers, heads turned to each other as they talk. He'd watch on as the moonlight supersedes the darkness and the moonbeams are replaced with sun rays. And he'd listen to her feel things like she made him. And he'd be happy and content with spending eternity like that.

Everything unchanged, nothing new.

Lewis begins to think that maybe casual sex isn't for him anymore. Perhaps he's taking Clem's absence extra hard because he yearned for the other form of intimacy, the emotional aspect of being with a woman.

So he tries dating. 

And he comes to the same conclusion, date after date.

Their eyes don't gleam like hers.

They don't understand his humor.

They don't care about why losing his favorite toy as a kid was an integral part of the man he became.

They can't carry on discussions like Clem or even talk like Clem.

They don't have her precious smile and her deep dimples. They're not gracious and benevolent.

They aren't Clem, no one ever will be.

Lewis craves Clem; he misses her with every fiber of his being.

And he regrets letting her up from his bed. He regrets telling her to pursue another man. 

When Lewis returns to New York, his thumb lingers over the send button.

clemmy 🪂

I need to see you, where are you?

He doesn't send the message; he drops his phone with a sigh, knuckling at his eyes. Why was it so fucking hard? He'd never felt this troubled in his life, especially over a woman he'd never even dated.

He sighs in distress, picks up his phone, stares at the message begging to be sent, and clicks off of the app. Instead, he opens his Instagram. As he goes to search for Clem's name, he sees that she is still his top search, and he feels like a loser as he enters her profile.

He'd take any sight of her he could get.

-

Clementine wouldn't say she was necessarily religious. Her grandpa would probably drop dead of a heart attack if he heard that. But it was the truth. She thought it was fairytale-like sometimes. Yes, she had faith, but she wasn't as devout as many people. 

If she was being honest, she thought religion began as something beautiful, putting your complete trust and faith into another person, with the idea that they were quite literally the holy grail. Over time, it's been skewed and manipulated, some for great purposes and others for very wrong reasons. 

She thought most religious people were hypocrites. Lewis was a hypocrite for sure, giving her an inch and then taking a mile. Now that she has had time to ponder over it, Lewis Hamilton is actually a sick man. Pouring affection into her and poisoning her heart. 

How did he expect her not to fall for him when he treated her the way he did? She feels like a fool herself, too, thinking back to the conversation she had with him the night before it all went to shit. 

"You're a lover boy at heart." Clem chortled, "Literally just a sweetheart. Most men who can't see themselves being with someone don't act as affectionate with women."

Lewis lets out a hmm sound, his hand still gliding up and down her back beneath his t-shirt that she wore.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Good, there's nothing wrong with being a sweetheart; bad if someone gets the wrong idea; I have a feeling you're an easy man to fall in love with."

Lewis was a hypocrite, and she was too. 

But the truth is religion gave people purpose. She'd never felt it firmly in a spiritual sense, but she had experienced that strong urge to follow someone's every command. She's believed every word that tumbles from his mouth. Given the opportunity, she would surely drop to her knees at his feet. She's only ever felt the need to praise and put her limited faith and her secured trust into one person. Sure, she had faith, just in a bad religion. She admired one man, Lewis Hamilton, but there was one problem, she could never make him love her the way she loved him.

Clem took his advice. She branched off, presented herself in new ways, made new friends, developed herself, and found someone who would take her seriously, though that didn't last long at all. 

clementine

liked by feliciathegoat, pharrell, and 12,898,465 others

clementine so, they've helped me make an album? Clementine, NYC out now on all streaming platforms !! 

view all comments

feliciathegoat Cool kids doing cool shit 🏌🏿

clementine the coolest 😎

lilyachty ALBUM OF THE FUCKING YEAR

clementine 🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️

user no bc who did my girl like that

clementine no really, it's okay though builds character 😃

user builds character my ass, go beat his ass

user A MOVIE AND MUSIC IN THE SAME YEAR ASVJHKHK WHEN DO WE GET SEASON 2???

clementine yk im filming girl 🙄

clementine

liked by danielricciardo, justinbieber, and 10,898,465 others

clementine two post in one day bc why not, what's everyone's favorite song from Clementine, NYC?!?

danielricciardo In your hands slaps

clementine you sir, have great taste 😘

user daniel what are you doing here 😭

user No really, weird ass crossover episode

user the blue hair to match the album cover the movie * chefs kiss*, your creativity is unmatched queen

clementine you noticing the small details >>>

justinbieber posting us arguing over the order is killing me

clementine no bc we both look so over it 😂

user I love her and Tyler's friendship sm

feliciathegoat i love my bestie

clementine and I love u T 🥹

-

Lewis instantly throws in his airpods and starts the album, one by one he listens to each song. Sure enough every song has small anecdotes about their time together that only he'd know.

He was aware that he was blurring the lines between just benefits and true feelings, but he didn't know that he wasn't the only one feeling strongly about it. He never took her feelings into account.

Just when he thought he couldn't feel any worse about the situation, that realization dawned on him. Clementine Russell loved him and he threw her to the curb like a bag of trash. 

He's throwing on whatever clothes he sees first as he rushes from his door. 

He doesn't bother calling his driver as he treks block after block; he has one destination in mind, Clem's townhome. 

He's there before he knows it, his fist urgently banging against her door. 

He sees a light flicker on through the window, and then her door swings open.

She's in her nightshirt with her hair wrapped in a scarf, and her eyes are puffy from sleep. When she sees Lewis, she begins to swing the door back closed, but his hand pushes against it.

"No, Lewis." She snarls, swinging the door open again. She is looking at him like he's the devil himself. "I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to think of you."

"Clem, please." He begs, "Please, I can't take it."

She pauses at the door, taking her time to study the man in front of her. He looks bad, simply put.

His eyes are bloodshot and droopy with bags, his braids are disheveled and clearly in need of a touch-up, and he just looks all around miserable.

She almost gives in until she thinks back to the last eight months where she had been miserable herself. She smacks her teeth swinging the door closed until she hears Lewis shout out three words that take her back to when the roads got foggy, Cannes. When she realized the difference in how she actually felt for Lewis.

"I love you."

She peels the door back open and stares at him intensely. "What did you say?"

He looks like he's watched his whole world get taken away from him as he repeats himself, "I love you. Don't shut the door, please."

"It's not fair, Lewis." She fumes.

"I know." He whispers, and his voice cracks.

"You don't get to do this to me." Clem snapped. "You can't just make me feel things for you and then push me away. You can't make me love you and then hurt me and tell me you love me when it's too late."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry, isn't enough." She hissed angrily, approaching him and poking his chest. 

He reaches up and grabs her hand, holding it close to his chest. She feels him shudder underneath her touch, and his body begins to shake.

"Clem, I'm sorry." his voice is hoarse and thick as he peers down at her, and she cracks when she feels a teardrop against their connected hands. "I'm sorry."

Her forehead drops against his chest, and he wraps his arms around her. "You didn't deserve that; I should have just told you; I was scared; you broke all of my walls, Clem; I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt you in the end."

"But you did, " she cries.

"I know, I did; I was scared of commitment, was scared I would ruin us further down the line." He presses a kiss to the top of her head, "I'm not scared of commitment, Clem, not anymore. I just don't want to be committed if it's not to you."

"You don't mean that." Clem breathes. 

"I promise I do, Clem."

She steps back from him, letting his arms fall to his side. "You made me feel dirty."

He opens his mouth, and she puts up her hand, "Let me talk. I let you disrespect me, Lewis. I should be done with you. I should be over you. I don't care how much I feel for you; if you ever, and I mean ever, speak to me that way or treat me like I'm nothing ever again, all gracefulness is out of the fucking window."

"I understand." He breathes, "I will never, Clem, and I mean never treat you like that again."

It's ironic, the two of them standing infront of each other as the sky illuminates in yellow and orange hues. 

"It's six in the morning." Clem sighs.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"I wasn't supposed to be here today; you almost missed me," Clem informs.

"I would've found you. Lost you once already. I didn't know how much I cherished what we had until I no longer had it. Until I lost it. I don't want to lose you forever, too."

"It's almost spring," Clem announces. 

"Gonna take you to that mountain, Clem." He promises, pulling her into his arms again.

"I've missed you so much. There were so many things I wanted to talk to you about. I missed talking to you." She admits and Lewis holds her tighter.

"I missed listening to you. Swear I did." 

"Are we still friends?"

"No, we're more than that. We should’ve never been friends. Always meant to be more." 

"I wrote an album about you." She sighs.

She feels Lewis hum against her. "It's beautiful."

"I talked so much shit about you, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for feeling Clem, I was a shit person to you." 

"My hair is blue." She announces, and he chuckles; there she was, his Clem talking his head off.

"Starting over, right?"

"Yeah, starting over."

Although they weren't laying in bed on their backs hands connected and staring through the ceiling like it was their sky. Things felt familiar to the two as the sun rose and light beamed around them.

Lewis was her sunset, the beauty that comes after a hard and blaring day. To him, she was the sunrise. After the darkness, it will always be light again. She was his light source, and he knew that now. He could never lose something that's always shining. 

"Thank you for showing up for me."

Not proofread

the album:

bad religion - frank ocean

in your hands - halle

i think- tyler, the creator

saturn- sza

broken is the man- jorja smith

everything is gonna be alright- infinity song

everything- kehlani

mine- beyonce ft drake

poison- beyonce

are we still friends- tyler, the creator

eternal sunshine- jhene aiko

<3

[horrorstolemyheart]

The Lost Boys + Severen With A Socially Anxious Reader

Note: This was a request from @slasher-male-wife. (I will link the original ask here) Thank you so much for this request! I can't apologize enough for taking over a freaking year to post... I kinda fell off the face of the earth for a while (mental health reasons) but I hope you see this and enjoy it though! I intended for this to be out waaayyy sooner, I'm so so sorry for an absurdly long wait 😑.... (also I hope this title is fine and I think I say this every time, but I hope the boys personalities seem pretty fitting and also that I title this as a socially anxious reader...)

Pairing(s): The Lost Boys x reader, Severen x reader

Warning(s): None except for one mention of weed and maybe a curse word or two. If I missed any please feel free to let me know!

David (TLB)

Your initial shyness is actually what drew him to you. It intrigued him. He wanted to break that shell you hid inside and obviously what was inside was an exceptionally attractive person.

It's no lie the moment he first saw you he thought you were incredibly attractive, and of course that meant he had to have you.

He can be a giant asshole, but David never puts you down for being awkward or feeling anxious. You make him soft in that sense.

However, that isn’t to say he hasn’t ever hit a nerve with you. He wants to support you, but he isn’t exactly the best at it. So there have been a few times where he’ll simply tell you to just ‘act like yourself’ in public.

Oh, how you wish it was that easy.

He doesn’t really understand the whole social anxiety thing. But of course, this is from someone who doesn’t give a single fuck what people think of him.

There’s also a possessive part of him, you’re like a little gem to him that only he gets to see. Only he gets to see the real you and that’s only reserved for him. It’s kind of an ego boost for him. And perhaps not the healthiest view in the world.

David does grow soft around you (whether he'll admit it or not, he isn't as subtle as he thinks he is about it) and will feel a little bad if he sees you try to talk to someone and you end up stuttering or stumbling over words though.

He loves to see your lively side. Taking you on bike rides, whooping and hollering along the way with the other boys and he is so very glad to call you his.

Dwayne (TLB)

Dwanye thinks the shy side of you is pretty adorable.

He’s very understanding of your emotions (probably the most understanding of the boys) and unlike David is very good at discussing them. 

When he notices you start to stumble over words or zone out in public, he’ll often grab your hand or wrap an arm around you and pull you close as an attempt to reassure you and help you feel more at ease. 

Very protective bf.

Very willing to help you overcome the anxiety.

But as much as he wants to see you act the same way in public as you do around him, he’s never going to push you into a situation that would overwhelm you.

You were super intimidated by Dwayne when you first met him. And also incredibly attracted to him.

It took some time for him to get you comfortable around him, he was so gentle with you, and it took you aback to see his wild side as Dwayne has the capacity to be so incredibly calm and on the other side, he can be completely rowdy and wild.

Paul (TLB)

Let's just get this out of the way, Paul’s solution to your shyness and awkwardness?

WEED.

He’s a big believer in the power of the bud. However, if this isn’t something you choose to partake in or feel comfortable doing, he won’t force you. If you do great!

Oh, he may whine a bit and try to convince you it’ll help, but he’ll back off if you insist.

Otherwise, Paul is probably about the best person to be around next to Dwayne. His presence alone is almost like a security blanket. You feel more at ease with him at your side.

Paul loves you to death, and he wishes you would act the way you do when it’s just the two of you, but he understands it isn’t that simple, so he won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to.

He knows people would love the smart, silly, lovable you that you are in private and he’s more than willing to help you reach that goal. 

So he LOVES to dote on you and brag about you to just about everybody he passes by, talking you up is like a hobby for him.

It took him a minute to understand why you act this way, but he latched on pretty quickly.

Marko (TLB) (of course the only gif I found that fit good was one without Marko :I)

Marko likes to poke some fun at you for acting all shy, remarking that you aren’t that way around him.

He also finds it entertaining to embarrass you the slightest bit in public.

It makes you upset with your boyfriend when he does this, even if it isn't out of malice.

He seems to think if he can get a rise out of you in public that it might help you forget the stiff feeling and anxiety. that you'll realize that you're ok and no one probably even cares as much as you think they might.

In reality when you have gone off on him and someone glances over you feel like you want to crawl into a hole even more than you did before. 

Marko gets frustrated. Why can’t you just be you with everyone else? Especially when you act perfectly normal around him.

That's one thing he'll never fully quite grasp the concept of your stiffness around strangers. He's quite capable of coming around after he's gotten over himself, but out of all the boys he seems to struggle the most with this.

He isn't beyond being encouraging, but it's a vicious cycle you have to contend with. You often have to sit him down to explain how he can best help you to be more comfortable and why you have such a hard time in public. After which he settles down and can focus on just being there for you.

Severen

Shy? Never heard of her.

This man is your complete opposite. Well, at least the opposite of what you project to the public. 

An outsider would suspect you two to be the least likely pair in the world.

Severen thinks the shyness is very amusing and innocent and yes, he will tease the shit out of you for it. He almost feeds off of it.

Seriousness is very seldom part of this man’s outlook on life. 

Don’t be deceived, he isn’t unsympathetic to your anxiousness. But he wants you to partake in all the wild and crazy with him. 

He is quite content that he gets to know the real you though. Even if the rest of the world doesn’t get to see it.

“C’mon, sugar, you don’t act like this when it’s just the two of us…”

But because he loves you, he tries to show you there’s no reason to sit back and watch from the side lines.

He will drag you out onto the rowdy dance floor of a hole in the wall bar when he sees you sitting there, eyes as big as saucers.

Over time you will probably overcome some of the awkwardness simply by being exposed to everything that’s the opposite of that.

[chibrary]

source: aarava on youtube series: f1, 2018

Aarava: What's your most embarrassing moment in your career? On-track, off-track, F1 or not.

Charles: Probably when I had to tell my mechanic at the end of my last Formula Renault race that I had peed in the seat. This was quite embarassing.

Aarava: I don't know how that conversation starts. “I've got something to tell you.” Right. So, we're in Italy so I have to ask a very important question. You know, a lot of people take a lot of solace in the answer to this question: pineapple on pizza. Yes or no?

Charles: No.

Aarava: No, okay. Marcus said yes, so I'm with you. 

Charles: Oh, no.

Aarava: He was going on about putting kebab stuff on the pizza. It was very weird, very weird. 

Charles: Probably some Swedish thing. 

Aarava: Yeah, I think it's Swedish tradition. So, social media these days in F1 is getting bigger and bigger and you're a really avid user of social media. How much does it kind of affect you on a week to week basis? Do you read much into what people say about you? Like, fans are saying about you on a race weekend or? 

Charles: I'm actually quite a bit on social media, I really like to interact with the people that are following me. Then, obviously, I think I am in quite a lucky position where people generally likes me. Hopefully it will last. Maybe some people will get angry now hearing this and start to hate me but yeah, no. I'm quite liked so I try to be as close as possible to the people that are following me.

Aarava: On that same kind of line: obviously, you're probably tired of hearing it, but on that same line, obviously, everyone keeps talking about what you gonna do in the future, you gonna, you know, have a stepping stone to Haas? When are you gonna go to Ferrari? How much does that wear you down? Like, do you get annoyed by the constant talk of it or do you kind of just blank it out? 

Charles: No, I mean, I understand that there are rumors, people want to know what's happening and obviously, when I was watching Formula One, I was also very impatient to know which drivers will move in which team. So I completely understand it. Yeah, I just hope that I will be able to let you know very soon.

Aarava: On another driver talk, you know, Ricciardo is going to Renault now, Alonso is retiring.. As a driver whose not like, I mean, you're a little bit involved, but do you read a lot into that? Like, do you take interest in what other people are doing?

Charles: Yeah, definitely. I mean, it's quite difficult to miss the news about Ricciardo going to Renault and Alonso stopping at the end of the year. But, yeah, of course. Yeah, I'm checking these also.

Aarava: Any funny moment with Marcus or previous teammates in lower categories or anything like that? Like pranks or just really funny moments, stand up moments?

Charles: It's difficult. I'm normally getting on very well with my teammates. So there are a lot of funny moments, to pick one is something difficult. 

Aarava: Okay. And obviously last weekend you can't get away from it: you got in a really horrendous crash with Alonso and lucky that he came out of it, really. What was the feeling like right when it happened? Like, was it just a blur really? 

Charles: Well, I just remember trying to downshift and, and go again on track hoping that there will be no damages. But unfortunately, obviously, I expected some damages and it was not possible to continue. So, just frustration really to not continue the race. 

Aarava: Your birthday is coming up later in the year. So obviously, if it's not on a race weekend, what would you usually do to celebrate your birthday? Like any kind of activities or a favorite meal or a favorite drink even to have on a night out? 

Charles: I'm quite boring, to be honest with nights out and parties and things like this. But honestly, I am, yeah, probably a bit of time with the family and friends and that's it basically. 

Aarava: Ok. Fair enough. It's a nice quiet night in. Maybe that Netflix question was quite on point.

Charles: Yeah, exactly. That, what I was going to say, probably it's on Netflix also.

Aarava: All you drivers post some really nice holiday photos over summer break. So, is there any place in the world where you haven't been yet where you want to go on holiday? 

Charles: I really like traveling. I really like the sun and the sea. So, probably all the parts of the world where I haven't gone where there are nice beaches. I will, I will try to go. 

Aarava: So, obviously we talked about your social media interaction, stuff like that and we talk about your fans as well. I think a lot of people wanna wonder, like, do you generally, like, actually look through your phone and like, actually see these tweets all the time and like, are you generally the one that's always kind of, you know, liking or responding like that because I know a lot of drivers might use management?

Charles: Yeah, I mean, I've had some propositions of people wanting to help me out with it, but I've never, and I will never, never want someone else to manage it. I mean, maybe someone could do it better but I prefer it to be a bit worse with myself doing it than somebody else. So it stays true and that it reflects myself more than the person that is writing a tweet for me.

[cyle]

Hi, I love hearing about the scale and magnitude of Tumblr. Are there any numbers you could share with us nerds? Daily users, daily new posts, daily reblogs, whatever you're allowed to share. Because, yeah, even if there's always something new to discover, it does tend to feel like I'm in a bubble or some sort of echo chamber, and you have said that users like us (however you name the chatty, bloggy, unhinged type of user, you know what I'm talking about) are the lowest percent, so, like, what even IS going on at Tumblr day round? Are there a bajillion taylor swift and K-pop blogs just uploading GIFs without having conversations? A thousand Turkish users uploading pics of their day to no followers like it's Instagram?

It feels like we're the top of an iceberg made of an eldrich sized collection of isolated communities, light years away from one another, with completely unrelated cultures and uses.

Can you share numbers? Can you share what the average user/blog/post is like? Anything else you would like to share?

i don't feel comfortable sharing most numbers, but we do share posts created per day on our About page, along with a couple of other numbers, like the total number of blogs on tumblr and how many blogs are created per day. tumblr is still a bit distinct from other social media (and blogging) platforms in terms of average user behavior.

we have millions of daily active users, and most of them aren't posting anything at all. but the percentage of people posting is higher than the typical assumed 1% rule of creation-versus-consumption, which is nice. the reblog-to-original-post ratio is like... 8 to 1 last time i checked. and likes-to-reblogs is like 10 to 1 or higher, at certain parts of the day.

most people on tumblr are "lurkers" who use the like button a lot, and sporadically reblog. also, most people only see ~25 posts or so per day, even if they have hundreds to see in their Following feed, which is why "Best Stuff First" is actually an important and used setting for many people. and the For You feed is similarly used and enjoyed way, way more than the typical old school tumblr power user would believe.

and yes, most content being posted are images, and a lot of it is stuff like taylor swift and kpop. if you go to the Explore Trending page logged out (like in an incognito window), you do get a sense for what's circulating around the platform. same with the Popular Reblogs dashboard tab.

regardless, even for me, who can look at this data in aggregate all day, it's impossible to get a birds-eye view of what's truly happening across the platform, let alone make sense of it. it's like trying to look at a city full of people and make broad strokes generalizations about it; sure, you can, but there's so much missed nuance that the numbers can't tell a story about.

[come-rain-come-shine]

As I was watching "Day of Death" a couple of weeks ago (as one does), I paused on this whiteboard to see what it said, and something stuck out to me.

On this whiteboard detailing the events of the night that Lucy was abducted, someone wrote this:

The board says:

hates cats (won't tell anyone)

sucks on lemons

This seems to be personal facts about Lucy that have been included with facts about the case. It's possible these points are about Caleb — maybe things that Lucy relayed to Tim while she was looking Caleb up on social media — but since it's stated repeatedly in the episode that they have "squat" to go on about him, it's more likely that these points are about Lucy.

I have two theories for why these bizarre points are on this board: an in-universe explanation (grounded in the story and the characters), and an out-of-universe explanation (grounded in reasons related to the actual creation of the show).

In-universe: Tim and/or Jackson, desperate to contribute to the investigation, were yelling out whatever they could think of to help build the case.

Now, I can't guess why anyone could have seen these particular tidbits as possibly relevant. But since they all had so little to go on, it would seem that they were throwing absolutely anything at the wall to see what would stick.

This theory mostly stems from the way that Tim was regurgitating every little thing he knew about Caleb the moment he knew that Lucy was missing. His wild spouting of facts is rather out of character: Tim is usually in control, focused on the job. But when Lucy is missing, logic flies out the window for him.

He tells Grey about the video of Caleb playing with a puppy, why?? Because it's all the information he has to offer to the case. Even if it's not really pertinent, he says it, because he doesn't know what could help Lucy. Also, he's not fully in control of his actions, and he's possibly suffering from motormouth.

I include Jackson as a possible contributor because he is probably the person who is second-most concerned about Lucy, plus one of the people who knows her best, and he has a history of babbling when stressed (I'm thinking of season 1, episode 13, "Caught Stealing," when he tells the Internal Affairs investigator about the gifted creme brulee completely unprompted lol). But in my Chenford shipper heart, I want to say Tim was the one to make these less than helpful contributions.

I can picture Armstrong writing out all this information about Lucy's whereabouts the night of her abduction, stating facts that they know, and Tim and/or Jackson blurting out personal details that might (somehow) give them a clue about where Lucy is now. Maybe Armstrong writes out the addresses of where she was on December 8th, then the stuff about other victims, and then he says, "What else do we know?" and then Tim and/or Jackson start wildly interjecting. They know literally nothing else that is relevant, so all they can say is random trivia about Lucy. And Armstrong, who can see that emotions are very high right now, writes it down to placate them? Or because he's like, "Irrelevant information is better than no information"? (I'm not sure how a detective would think in this scenario.)

Out-of-universe: Some of the set decorators or other crew were messing around, writing down whatever on the boards, and someone forgot to erase this. 😆

I like the in-universe explanation better, since the writing is rather large and this behaviour by Tim and/or Jackson would be consistent with what we see earlier in the episode.

[yakourinka]

(late post-guide ahead musings, kind of a long rambly post, part 1?)

I feel like Laterano being peaceful and its residents' wacky wild wild west uwu antics has caused some people to miss just how fucked up Laterano actually is - it's the most fucked up place on Terra in my opinion.

There are the more obvious reasons: racial supremacy that is implicit in their religion, "lesser" races practically serving as adoring errand people and soldiers for the Sankta:

What I can only call as racial segregation: Shit Sucks Everywhere At All Times for the Sarkaz but this is (to the best of my knowledge) the first time we've seen a government officer/cop go I SPOTTED A SARKAZ, GIT'ER at a person who, as far as they know, is a street peddler.

Also they hunt Sarkaz in the wild for sport apparently. (I'm aware that the Sarkaz also fight them, but you'll notice that Sarkaz are in a lot more disadvantageous situation than the Laterans.)

KFC Pope also brushes upon this with the fire analogy in the last chapter (if you give out too much of Laterano's light the place will burn out etc.), but Laterano refuses to share its resources with other nations (despite, hilariously, trying to pull a United Nations shit on their land) because:

(This is also Andoain's Joker moment.) Now consider that they have the resources to waste to the point that you can blow shit up everywhere provided you fill the paperwork and it will get fixed, and the entire city constantly smells of sugar and vanilla.

Putting all of this against the background of Shit Fucked Everywhere that is Terra and you get what is essentially a resource-hoarding ethnostate full of nice, wacky people.

It's also no coincidence that there's a noticeable emphasis on sweets - you might remember a similar thing from Dossoles (and other real world examples cough South America) with coffee and sugar: 1) it's a luxury 2) it keeps people happy and content and wanting more. Which brings me to the next point: The emotion sharing thing.

Everything about Laterano is socially engineered in a way to keep its people content in this proverbial cage. The people here can't even tell when they're in danger, which is simultaneously funny and fucked up:

See, you live in the Saved Land. Your feelings are not private because you're all hooked up on the Holy Hivemind. You feel rather encouraged to keep feeling content and happy and not think too much because your distress will be detected and shared by other people. You are now an anomaly. Ezell returning home after letting Cecelia go is some twilight zone shit because he's seen some fucked up stuff, is confused and in distress and everyone he meets on his way home is like hey man why don't you have a little snack and relax? why don't you have some cake and coffee my guy ha ha? And he has no way of processing his own mental state or articulating himself to anyone, despite the hivemind.

(completely my personal opinion here but I ended up liking Fia and Mos substantially less after the event because Laterano and its weird as fuck extreme collectivism are uncomfortably fucked up to me. like I respect a single-minded to the point of idiocy, rage-filled woman usually, like them even, but Laterano's just way too fucking weird and Fiametta being like yeah so what bitch? to everything Patia and Andoain was saying was, while funny, also unlikable. also Mostima is drinking buddies with the Pope! what the fuck)

I've seen some more positive/funny interpretations of It, the god in the Papal Basement, but what with the hivemind thing I can't help but think of the only other case of hivemind+singular god in Arknights, the Seaborn. Why did It let the incident between Mostima, Lemuen and Andoain happen, but swiftly cancelled the "shoot someone else and you're out" rule the moment Andoain and KFC Pope were shooting at each other? Is it because Andoain is/was essentially a cultish missionary spreading Its word, and the Pope is kinda essential to keeping Laterano stable? Assimilation by consumption versus assimilation by faith?

There's probably a lot more shit you can say about Laterano, like Adnachiel being ostracized because his halo is kinda not straight, what about the infected Sankta, etc., but I'll stop. Laterano's fucked up, man.

[drdemonprince]

Probably a trivial question during a shitty time globally, but I'm going a bit crazy trying to figure this out and need help.

For some reason, people cancel last-minute alarmingly frequently when I host gatherings on days that are extremely important to me. I am talking mainly about my birthday and that of my partner but also a huge milestone graduation do last year was a nightmare as well. Neither I nor my partner have any meaningful relationships with our families anymore due to political differences and rely on our friends for the sense of home and belonging most people get from families.

Except this is a bit of a wasteland, as I struggle to form and maintain close friendships because of how unreliable and disappointing people have been for a while. This is not an individual (although there are a couple of people who I know will cancel every time) but a pattern. Someone will forget to book the right train ticket, another will only lurk on the event group chat and then comment for the first time before the event to say no. One person memorably just said they wanted to keep the option of a weekend gateway open so they could only come to my graduation party if they decided not to do that. Am I missing something here? Is this normal? I need consistency and dependability to feel safe and I feel like people I'd normally choose as friends (witty, nerdy interests, progressive) turn out to be incredibly bad at showing up for me when I need them. A friend I thought was close went completely mum after I graduated and didn't congratulate me at all - after having discussed the degree and its struggles with me for 2 years. Part of me feels like I need to rebuild my circle from scratch and maybe find people I can talk to honestly about my needs from the beginning of the friendship. But it feels so late and desolate to start this process in my mid-thirties. Everyone else has friends they grew up with and who know everything about their lives. Meanwhile, I am at the stage where I have no close friends at all anymore because my needs seem too absurd to even discuss with anyone except my partner, and if I do, I just lose friendships. I remember reading your piece on how to do social things as an autistic person last year and feeling very inspired so I thought I'd reach out to you.

This is all exceedingly, exceedingly normal, especially in the days post COVID for a variety of reasons. When I make plans with people, I assume that roughly 30-75% of the people invited are not going to show up, and I've completely made my peace with that. A friend of mine hosted a movie night a few weeks back, invited I believe around 15 people, and ultimately four showed up, many people being last-minute cancellations or total no shows.

This happens for a variety of reasons. Many people are very socially anxious and decide at the last minute they don't have it in them to show up because they're freaking out. Other people say yes when the event is days or weeks down the line, wanting in the abstract to be there, but then on the actual day of the event, practical daily life constraints are far more visible than they were when the event was just an idea, and so then they have to bail. Other people feel really bad saying no, and so they wait for the last minute to share that they can't make it. And lots of people are so bombarded with notifications on a variety of social media sites and chatting platforms that they just forget all that they've committed to. And then you add into that random illness, flat tires, crying kids, and the like, and you have a lot of reasons why people don't show up to things.

Personally, I have come to accept this. If I go into event planning assuming most people can't make it, my feelings aren't hurt. Every person who does show up is a gift. My invites are an opportunity, a true invitation, not an obligation or an expectation. I don't hurt my feelings in advance by telling myself that I need a high turnout for my birthday or that because I've worked hard making a certain dish for a party (I never actually do that admittedly lol) that a lot of people need to come and eat it.

And I invite people that I like and want to see, over and over again, because I care about them, and I want to show them that I care about them and that I understand they have other things going on and I am not offended that life got in the way for them. I want them to feel loved and included, even if they can't make it. Even the gesture of inviting a person to an event and them showing some interest is a meaningful act of maintaining social connections, for me. And so if they can't make it on the day of, that's fine by me.

I'm 35. My friends are anywhere from 21 to 60-something. People cancel events because of sick kids, broken down cars, long work weeks, depression, double-bookings, writing deadlines, social anxiety, busted ankles, not wanting to see one person they're currently having a difficult situation with, and any number of other factors. If you love people long enough, they get really complicated and their lives get really hard. I find that the most beautiful and friendship-sustaining thing one can do is to not take it personally, because you're going to need that same grace yourself plenty of times. People will drop of the map for months or years sometimes because they're going through hell, and you dont to deprive yourself of being open to reconnection when they're available again.

There's really no need to read anything into the randomness of life. This stuff will happen, so it's rational to expect it, and loving to not mind it too much.

Do you need to make some new friends? Maybe so! I have multiple different friend groups and I think that's healthy. You may find the no-shows less painful if you have more people to lean on. It's always good to form new connections, learn new things about yourself, expand your skills and understanding of the world through new information and experiences. But should you start over, and ditch your friends who are flakey? I don't think so. To be loved is to be sometimes flaked upon (and to flake). In this capitalistic, individualistic hellscape it's vitally important that we extend one another grace.

[mixelation]

I’ve been wondering. What is actually keeping the akatsuki members stay in the akatsuki and not just defecting? For kisame and itachi it makes sense, but with people like sasori and kakuzu, who you can assume have been missing nin for a long time, why don’t they just up and leave? What’s making them stay on and work with the circus that the akatsuki is and listen to pein?

I think this question is one that Akatsuki fans largely actively avoid delving into, because it's very frustrating to answer. Like I'm not even 100% sure why Deidara can't just leave whenever he wants if he hates it so much. I mean, yes, in theory he could end up with a bunch of very dangerous people hunting him down.... but also the in-canon reason we seem to get is "he's bound by high school rules of combat bc Itachi was mean to him." So I think there must be parts that Deidara does enjoy, because he sticks around even after it gets both his arms blown off and the one other artist ninja dies and they give him an annoying idiot to work with.

If you want something vaguely canon, there's this video which goes into how different members were recruited. It is actually, as far as I can tell, a bunch of cut-scenes from a video game, so it is what i would call "canon only if you like it." But it's animated well and some of the characters do state reasons for why they go with Akatsuki. I'm not going to rewatch it right this second, but for example, I think Sasori says something like he wants to meet interesting people and see if he can find new art. (He finds Deidara. YOU'RE WELCOME.) Just keep in mind that because it's video game cut scenes, every encounter is set up to be the lead-up to a fight, and then there's a fade to black for the actual fight because that's the part where you're supposed to be playing the game.

For me I think there's multiple reasons, and different characters are going to weigh them different in their motivations:

It's basically a missing-nin union. It's a shit show and Kakuzu might kill you at any given moment, but there's steady work and theoretically protections from hunter-nin, and also even if your coworkers are assholes, you can call in their expertise. I think this was part of the pitch to Hidan in the video game movie: yeah he's immortal, but that doesn't mean he's immune to being imprisoned or sealed away or blown up and buried in a hole. Even immortal dudes benefit from having a partner.

Opportunities to do interesting things. I think several characters felt their talents were under-appreciated in their hometowns, but Akatsuki encourages people to be the best horrible monsters they can be. Oh, you want to blow up a castle? We have three jobs for that, AND you'll get a paycheck out of it. Also: even missing-nin need a sense of fulfillment. Like Kakuzu has gotten along fine by himself for decades, but I bet he secretly finds managing Akatsuki's finances to be satisfying.

Meet interesting people! You're immortal? So are THREE OTHER PEOPLE HERE-- Oh, you're into art? Guess who we just recruited--

All of these characters grew up in ninja villages, so I think they at least subconsciously perceive this sort of vaguely structured mission-system as how work is supposed to be done. And I think this cultural aspect of it means that they're predisposed to at least kinda sorta agree to some baseline rules, because that's just what you do. So, in my personal take on Deidara, I think he hated the structure and rigid rules of Iwa, but he's not against getting paid to blow shit up, and Akatsuki is a lot more loose with mission parameters so his art isn't completely stifled. He likes having cash to buy art supplies and hot meals, yeah. On the flip side I think Sasori liked having a lot of rules and structure; he just didn't like when the rules restricted his art, or when social rules meant he was "going against human decency even for a ninja" smh. So I think he'd actually be pretty willing to compromise certain things for the sake of buying into the ninja union, as long as he could still be churning out art.

One thing I think would be interesting to explore is what the consequences of Orochimaru defecting are. Because it seems like there never were any consequences for him, but no one looked at his example and went, "Oh, so I can just leave at any time." Maybe instead it had a unifying force, like EVERYONE is pissed they can't hunt him down and skin him alive. Deidara is like "oh, he just.... lost a fight to Itachi and left....?" and Sasori is like, "Yes, and now if any one of us multiple S-rank threats find him, it's on sight." And Deidara is like: "Well, only a COWARD would flee like that anyway, yeah."

[etherealspacejelly]

hi dad, i'm having some internal conflict. i've always been a really anxious person (which is probably due to undiagnosed anxiety disorders) and i've never really "fit in." i've been treated as weird all my life. i've never understood tone and i get in a lot of trouble with my parents for this (even though i've explained i can't control it), i go nonverbal for brief periods of time occassionally, loud noises and bright lights cause me pain like extreme headaches, i always feel the need to follow self-created routines in order to feel safe, i don't understand social boundaries all too well, i intensely hyperfixate, i'm extremely hyperempathetic, etc. i've never understood why i'm the way i am. then i started learning more about autism and i think i may have it. many of my autistic friends seem to think so.

but my parents don't believe me and don't like me researching mental health stuff. they don't think i'm "autistic enough" because my mom used to work with autistic kids who were almost always nonverbal and on a more extreme end of the spectrum. i mask all the time too, as a defense mechanism since i get in so much trouble for misunderstanding. hell, my parents won't even get me an official anxiety diagnosis (even though i've had symptoms since the moment the signs can appear) because they think "labels don't matter."

and the big problem that comes along with this is, i don't want to self diagnose and seem disrespectful to diagnosed autistic people. i've done a lot of research and gotten a lot of opinions from neurodivergent people in my life, but i still feel fake because i have no access to a diagnosis. so many people have told me to try to get one and my parents completely refuse.

is it okay to self diagnose? will diagnosed people find this disrespectful? i'm not exactly sure how to go about this. it'll most likely be several years at best before i can get medically diagnosed.

tldr; i may be autistic but i have no access to a diagnosis and feel guilty about self diagnosing. any advice?

thank you and sorry if this was too vent-ish, i just wanted to see if you had any thoughts <3 feel free to ignore this ask if it's too overwhelming /gen

baby. honey. sweetpea. let me tell you something

autistic people actually dont care if you self diagnose. in fact, many of us are self diagnosed. diagnoses can be inaccessible for many reasons, and its perfectly understandable if you cant or dont want to get one

i can absolutely relate to you. my mum works with disabled kids too, and insisted that i couldn't be autistic because she "would have known". she considers herself an expert, but somehow missed all the signs in me. i guess because i am also quite high masking.

you definitely sound autistic to me, and if other neurodivergent people who know you agree then you probably are. autistic people can sense each other lol

i remember once when i friend of mine came to me and was like "hey btw im autistic" and i was like "yeah i know. you told me" and they were like. "um. no i couldnt have told you i only got diagnosed a few days ago and this is the first time we've spoken since then" and i was like. oh. i just Sensed it, you know? i just fuckin knew

so yes. you can self diagnose. thats perfectly fine. and if anyone tells you that you cant or that you're somehow "harming the autistic community" you can tell them to fuck off. self diagnosis does not harm the autistic community in any way, but it can really benefit people like you.

i hope someday you can get the accommodations you need and deserve. in the meantime, please give yourself grace. you're trying your best. and im proud of you, ok?

[awkwardbeartrio]

I loved your imagine! It’s so cute. I love your writing style and the detail you put in. I was wondering if you could write something for the episode “I am Ice Bear.” Like how his S/O would react his drastic personality change, and how he’d react to them. I just thought it’d be a fun concept, but no one else has written it yet. It’s totally okay to ignore this if you’re not interested. 💕

Oh man! I loved this episode. It was such a cool thing to see. I haven't seen anyone else write this particular request either so I am happy to do this! Thank you very much for your patience, hope you enjoy! <3

I AM ICE BEAR SCENARIO.

It was as if suddenly the whole world had come to a complete halt.

"Oh no! Little bro!'' Grizz exclaims as the hard wooden mallet slams to Ice Bear's head. You're quick and exceptionally fast when you squeeze yourself between the worrisome brothers. Your heart thuds in your chest as you try and shake your dearest awake.

"Ice Bear?! Ice Bear please be okay...'' You beg and frown deeply at the sight before you.

A low groan emits from Ice Bear and suddenly, his eyes open.

"Little buddy, hey! Are you okay?'' Grizz slowly asks and Panda bites his lip anxiously.

"Oh gosh, that bump on his head...'' Panda says and your brows furrow trying to make out what Ice Bear was saying as he gained consciousness.

"Oh man! Oh man! That was a big fall, huh? I mean, talk about a total knockout!''

You along with Grizz and Panda stood absolutely slack jawed at the realization that . . . Ice Bear just talked normally. The bear hops up to his feet, a grin plastered on his face.

That was only the beginning.

Ice Bear had completely lost himself within the confines of jerk popularity. The more and more you had tried to do some of the things you used to do, he'd shrug you off and dismiss you.

"Sorry, Y/n. Well, not really. You see, that uhh, whole cooking show business is not my style, yeah? I got too many people digging my vibe and I'm not gonna dull it down.'' He says as pulls out his phone from his pocket.

You scowl at Ice Bear who only raises a brow at you questioningly. Your heart absolutely aches at the outcome of this accident. Tears glazed your eyes.

"So you're telling me that I...dull you down? Is that it?'' You prod slowly and Ice Bear can only chuckle and shrug. His claws click against the screen, making another ridiculous post on his ever growing social media page.

"No. Actually, yeah. Yeah you do. Not gonna say I'm gonna ditch you for cooler babes but. . .that's what exactly I'm gonna do. But hey, if you ever want to hang with the cool peeps and ditch the Food Network channel, you know where to find me.'' Ice Bear turns on his heel to walk away from you.

And your heart sinks and shatters.

You stand there in disbelief and teary eyed when Panda and Grizz come to your aide.

"Don't worry, Y/n. We'll figure out how to get him back.'' Grizz says, determined as he watches Ice Bear ditch all three of you for some pretentious posse.

"Yeah,'' Panda chimes in, "We'll get him back and...and everything will go back to normal. I hope. . . "

Your lip quivers and you can't bring yourself to watch Ice Bear wrap his arm around another girl. It hurts too much and by the time you start to cry, you're far away from where anyone could find you.

It stayed that way until deep within the night.

You hid away within your hurt of missing your beloved Ice Bear. You understood that it was the amnesia that caused such a drastic change but within that change, you lost such a giant piece of yourself. You couldn't even imagine the confusion and loss Ice Bear was going through himself but his words struck you down hard.

You felt like you lost him forever.

Knock Knock Knock!

Your head lifts to the thuds that emit from your front door. You drag yourself off your bed and to the entryway and pull the door open. There stood Ice Bear, almost expressionless with countless gifts stacked behind him. There was no gold chain, no necklace, black shirt or man bun.

Just regular Ice Bear.

"Ice Bear is sorry for causing you heartbreak.''

His monotone voice makes you feel utterly joyous and yet you're still cautious. His brothers stand a bit behind him for moral support and they signal that he's back to normal. Presumably, his hair got cut short again before the arrival. Just how Ice Bear always tends to his haircut.

"Ice Bear you. . . you're okay?'' You sniffle and you're immediately taken aback when his arms wrap around you in a meaningful but gentle hug. Your body is taken over the threshold of the doorway and he holds you close, lifting your feet off the ground.

"Ice Bear loves you and always wants to watch Food Network. Ice Bear thinks you are cool. . . and the only girl for Ice Bear.''

Without hesitation, you envelop Ice Bear in a big hug. A few tears slip down your flushed cheeks.

"I love you too. I'm so glad you're okay.'' You sniffle and when you pull back, he rests his forehead against yours. He hums in thought and then promptly sets you down to showcase all the gifts he had made and or bought to show his apology.

"Ice Bear remembered everything you like.'' He says softly, handing you a basket filled with self care things like lotions, soaps, flowers, chocolates...

"Ice Bear will always remember.''

Your gaze lifts from the basket and then it trails over to the copious gift pile that his brothers had began to haul inside. You kiss his forehead sweetly and hug him once more.

"I know, Icey. I forgive you. Now lets head in and have a sleepover. There's a new episode on the Food Network. It's a brand new casserole recipe.'' You smile and Ice Bear briefly smiles back with a little nod.

"Ice bear would like that very much.''

END

[olderthannetfic]

I don't get this "they discussed nsfw themes with minors they are totally a predator" thing I see even on proship side of fandom. Don't get me wrong, if it was a random adult getting random minor roped into discuss fetish stuff with them, it's could be red flag (still — when I was a minor I was deeply interested in some s/m practics and spent a lot of time in bdsm circles reading, asking and talking about this stuff completely on my own will so it depends). For example, I have one friend whom I know since they were sixteen. We started from them making a nsfw art for my fic and immediatly developed into talking in details what other kinky stuff they can draw. Predatory? God forbid, just pure entusiasm about more art for rarepair! Recently — and it was hillarious and awkward — I joined a fandom chat with people I don't know. We talked for a couple of days, about nsfw topics too, then one of people there told that they tried to audition as main kid character in our show when there still was casting. I was like "wait, it was less then two years ago and they specifically asked for preteens, 13 yo max?" and they was like "lol yeah, I turned fifteen like month ago". I asked them privately if they are good with nsfw stuff I bring into chat and they were like "yeah?? or we won't ask you to join?? duh". Which is fair, since, again, they already read and commented a lot at my nsfw fics and I did the same for them and we had little chat about there at twitter before I joined the group chat. So like... it's fandom, it's the place where people under 17 regulary read, write and draw stuff they shouldn't see without parental approval untill they turn 17, and like how it should work? You shouldn't comment a fic if you don't know if author minor or not? Or like you can gush about how this and this is sooo hot in their fic but you can't talk about this in private? Minor can like all your nsfw stuff and tell you how good it is but if you link them to other creators with same themes suddenly you're a predator who sends porn to minors and worth a callout? I don't want to be like "back in my days" but I was hanging with fandom adults since I was 13 yo and nsfw stuff was discussed freely around me and I just haven't joined until I was interested in topic, which was probably around 15, and no one thought it was somehow unsafe or damaging for me, myself included, but like maybe I'm missing something...

--

Now that I'm in my 40s, I don't particularly want to discuss horny stuff with teens in private. It feels weird in a way that it didn't in my early 20s.

But I despise how pearl clutching inevitably leads to the idea that even telling people kinks exist is "adult content". As a kinky teen, it was hugely formative to me to go read a bunch of adult perverts' web manifestos. I had all these informative books from the local sex-positive bookshops that talked about how to do bondage safely too.

I was able to get a lot of good info without really interacting with older people much, but that's harder these days. Lurking is more penalized. Search engines hide the ancient 90s sites. If you want to even find info, even just recs for books to go read on your own, a lot of that is through social sites that are all about interacting. That's just how it is now.

Seeing predators under every bush actually just cuts young people off from information and resources.

[sparksinthenight]

Can y’all pray for this girl I met?

So I was on the bus yesterday, going home from school. As I got on the bus, I noticed a lady who looked like she was sleeping on her seat. No big deal, people get cozy on the bus sometimes, they even close their eyes sometimes, it doesn't necessarily mean they're actually asleep. So I just stand near the back which is where people go if all the seats are occupied. 

But eventually the bus stops at a bus stop and I notice a police car stopped in front of us. The driver gets out of the bus and talks to the police. Then a police officer comes and he starts talking to the lady who was resting. Now, I have been the victim of police brutality before. I know wha it's like. This woman is visibly BIPOC, and she looks to be either Latina or Indigenous. She looks poor. She could be having a mental health crisis. I know what police do to people like her. I'm not about to let her get murdered or beaten up or something. So I start filming. I don't say anything, I just take out my phone and start filming. 

I know we're on a bus and beside a busy road, so if there is any maltreatment, people will see. But I also know that there are many cases where people got killed on or by a busy road. I've watched a video of a mentally ill man getting gunned down by the police even though he was just standing with his hands up, and this happened right by a busy road full of cars. If anything happens, having video evidence of it will back up and lend credibility to eyewitness accounts. If anything happens, having video evidence of it will make more people believe the truth. 

So I film, from a few meters away. The police officer asks her if she has a ticket for the bus. She says no. He demands that she get out of the bus. She refuses at first. But he threatens to take her out by force. Now I will mention that she looks extremely tired and groggy and she doesn't seem to be thinking rationally. The police officer threatens to arrest her, so she gets off the bus. The cop follows her, and I follow the cop, still filming. Outside, the cop threatens to arrest the girl, and asks for her information. He notices me filming and asks if he can help me. I say no, and that I'm just making sure. 

The lady seems completely delirious. She can only answer yes or no, and her voice sounds incredibly distressed and emotional. The police officer eventually gets into his car and drives away. And I stop filming but I stay with the lady. She's sitting on a bench and I sit beside her. I ask her if she has any friends or family she can go to. She can't answer my questions in full sentences and just says no in a very panicked voice. I ask her if she wants to go to a homeless shelter, and she says no. I have to talk to her and repeat the same question four or five times to get an answer. The police officer had previously had to ask the same question many times to get an answer as well. 

I know I can't leave her like this. She's completely out of it and if she's outside by herself by the time night rolls around, then she might get kidnapped. I've seen too many missing posters around my city, and read too many articles about the MMIGW2S crisis. Not to mention, she doesn't have any warm clothes, she only has a cotton t shirt and slacks, and the nights are very cold where I live. She could straight up die of pneumonia or something if she doesn't find shelter before the night. So I decide to call a homeless shelter anyways and explain my situation. They tell me to call a number and there will be a crisis response team who will come. 

So the crisis response team is not part of the police. They don't have weapons. They're social workers who use deescalation tactics and stuff. 

So I call the number for the crisis response team. And at this point she's lying down on the bench at the bus stand and I'm sitting on the ground next to her. Which is okay, since she's really tired and I'm not. I get put on hold on the phone, and I stay put on hold for like half an hour. So I'm just sitting here, keeping an eye on the lady, waiting to be connected on the phone to someone I can talk to. And it's pretty tense, but thank the gods the weather is good. 

Eventually the call does get through. The lady on the other side of the phone line asks what happened and where I am. So I explain my situation to her. She says she'll send a crisis response team, but they'll take at least half an hour to get there. So that's okay I guess. So I stay with the distressed lady. I don't try to talk to her. I just let her rest. The gods know that she needs her rest. I just want to make sure she doesn't end up kidnapped or the victim of police brutality or a suicide victim or something. I want her to rest in a soft, clean bed inside instead of having to sleep on a hard metal bench outside. But for the time being I just let her rest. 

So eventually the crisis support team gets here. They have a car, and they are two ladies. They're really nice. They ask her questions, and she is finally able to talk in full sentences, instead of only saying yes or no. This is a good thing. But the answers she gives still don't make sense. When the crisis response ladies ask her if she's staying with anyone, she says that she's staying with family. But when they ask if she knows the phone numbers of any family members, she replies that she doesn't have any family. When they ask her how she got to where she is now, she replies that she walked. Which I know is not true since I was on the bus with her and I got off said bus with her. 

She keeps insisting that she needs to go back to where she was staying, she wants them to take her to where she was staying. She keeps begging to have help so she can go back. But when the ladies ask her what address she needs to go back to, she says she doesn't know. When they ask her if she has anyone's phone number that she could call, she responds that she doesn't know any phone numbers. She sounds incredibly distressed this whole time. 

Eventually she says that she was trying to get to a bank, and so they ask her if she might be able to lead them to where she's staying if they start from the bank she was trying to get to. She says that maybe she can. She gets in the car with them and the three ladies drive off. So after this, I stay at the bus stop and I take the next bus home. So I have no idea what happened to her beyond that. But I do trust the lady at the homeless shelter call line who told me to call the crisis response team. And I do trust the crisis response team because they're not cops, and they're very gentle and kind. 

I sincerely hope that she gets the help that she needs and that she enters into a better mental state. I hope she gets back to her home and that she can be safe and comfortable. I hope she receives healthcare and mental healthcare because she clearly needs both. This is coming from someone who clearly needed both at one point too. I was extremely undernourished and suicidal once and going to the hospital kept me from dying. I hope that she gets the help that she needs. I hope that so much with all of my heart. 

I am keeping her in my prayers, and I would really appreciate it if you guys could pray for her as well. I hope she can have the blessings of all the gods. I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in the power of love. I believe in the power of kindness, compassion, humility, empathy, and dignity. If you could all pray for her, it would mean an immense amount to me and I would be very grateful. 

[shadowfromthestarlight]

Alone, Not Lonely - I Mean It.

When psychologists describe how one can avoid feelings of loneliness even when alone, my first reaction is to think, "Well, duh." Just as it is puzzling to the socialites that some of us don't want to be surrounded by crowds of hundreds day after day, it is puzzling to me that being alone could be uncomfortable and scary to some people. But it stops being a mere curiosity and becomes frustrating when people equate aloneness and loneliness, as if doing any activity alone is abnormal and pitiable. If "Alone, Not Lonely" could be some sort of club, I'd be a board member!

As much as awareness of diversity among personality types has spread, I still encounter society's overall misunderstanding of aloneness and singleness with sometimes amusing, sometimes annoying frequency. I had a friend in college who was surprised whenever I mentioned sitting in a cafe or going off on a long walk by myself, and was appalled when I said I wanted to be alone without a life partner and joked that perhaps I'd get married at 50. Another friend repeatedly asks me if I'm dating and tries to persuade me to pursue a relationship with the ultimate goal of marriage and children. Family members, though they're not overly intrusive, regard it as sad that I'm indifferent to relationships right now. Social and political commentators pontificate on the importance of pairing up with another person for your own self-improvement and self-actualization, and warn that people like me will regret it if we're still alone in our middle years.

They mean well, but I have become tired of trying to explain myself over and over, as if I'm making excuses for something that needs no excuse. It's also hurtful; why are people taking it upon themselves to assume there is something wrong with my life the way it is? I have managed to accomplish a lot in my relative solitude. I read a lot of books and have a great variety of interests. I am very physically active. I have taken charge of my health of my own volition by getting into the "real food" movement and eagerly learning how to eliminate the modern products making our lifestyles toxic. I've learned how to cook and bake, developing some of my own recipes. I hike and explore new places as often as I can, at least every few weeks. I go to church every weekend and visit the farmers' market. I have a wonderful cat and a great relationship with my family members. People generally like me and regard me as a pleasant person to be around. I graduated from law school in 2019 and I have already landed three different jobs since then. I live in a safe town where I can access everything I need. I consider myself a curious and open person, always looking for the next challenge. I do not need another person to make my life complete. I am doing very well already; I wish people could acknowledge that and leave it at that instead of telling me there's something I'm still missing.

I don't mean that romantic love can never have a place in my life. I have dated before. I have been in love before. I have had crushes more times than I can count. I know what it feels like; I know how thrilling it can be. But it is not something I have ever prioritized; I have let it come to me. I certainly have no headspace to prioritize it now, in the year 2024; I am just starting out in a new job, I am looking to buy a car for the first time, I am planning several upcoming trips, I have many books I'm determined to read and personal writing projects I want to make headway on, and I still have lifestyle tweaks I'm trying to make for optimal health and well-being. Adding something else to the list would be a bit much for me right now. I am introverted and prone to anxiety and sensory overload, which I point out not to seek sympathy, but to explain why I can't juggle a lot of priorities at once.

I do display the core characteristic of an introvert; I have a sense that my energy stores are "depleted" by socializing and "replenished" by spending time alone. I get drained from hours of social interaction, even with my closest family members. I live alone, and if I must spend days at a time with others, such as over a holiday, I very much crave going back to my own space. There are even times when I begin to feel an abundance of energy from spending more time alone than usual and feel like engaging with others to expend the excess energy! It often strikes me that introverts are capable of understanding what extroversion is, but a lot of extroverts really do not fathom how one could genuinely wish to be alone without being depressed or sad or angry. On the contrary, I will become sad or angry, or at least irritable, if not permitted solitude. It's not that I think I'm such exciting company; I'm really not, and that's actually the point. The threshold level of excitement I can handle without becoming overwhelmed and exhausted is quite low. There are days where I deliberately do not speak to anyone in order to get a sense of "recharging" before I must resume work and errands and various activities that require social interaction. I can even become tired of talking to people online and want nothing more than to be alone in the woods or alone with books.

Of course, whether one is introverted or extroverted is not dispositive of whether one will seek a partner, but I do think it's relevant; one of the reasons I'm not anxiously pursuing a relationship is that I don't feel the need to have someone accompany me to dinner or on walks or to work events or family parties or anywhere. I hike by myself, I sit in coffee shops by myself, I go out shopping by myself, I entertain myself at home, and if I want to go to a restaurant or a museum or the movies I'll go whether someone else can join me or not. I've traveled by myself and done just fine, thank you very much. There is nothing I want to do that lack of a significant other prevents me from doing.

But we have other needs than mere companionship, some might say. The need for touch, for physical affection. I would respond, not meaning to be flippant but in total seriousness, that my cat satisfies those needs well. We communicate and read each other to a degree that still amazes me from time to time. I pet her so that her purring can soothe both of us. I hug and kiss her daily. My cat sleeps in my bed and on cold nights sleeps right next to me. I sometimes joke with people that I can't be married because I have a cat, and she already has her spot on the bed and I have mine, and there isn't room for anyone else, but it's technically true!

Some would say that having a partner keeps you accountable, ensures that your behavior is civilized (an actual thing that has been said, lest you think I've made up a strawman for the sake of adding a paragraph to this little essay). There are enough external sources of accountability that I think this is a weak argument. The fact that I have never been evicted or fired or arrested shows that my behavior falls within the parameters of acceptability. If I neglect certain tasks, such as errands and cooking and laundry, I am the one to suffer the immediate consequences, which provides motivation enough.

But ultimately, these answers miss something important, which is that it is not merely tolerable for me to live alone, but enjoyable. I have breakfast when I feel like it. I buy what I want from the grocery store. I turn out the lights when I am ready to go to bed. I decide what music or podcast is playing in the background. If I want to go outside, I go without anyone asking me where I'm going. I have a cat because I wanted a cat and that's all there was to it. I don't have anyone arguing with or barking at me when I come home. That makes for a pretty nice life. "Alone, not lonely," indeed!

I am not stating that everyone else could be just as happy living the same lifestyle, or that the way I live my life is the best way, or that there is no way partnership could ever fit into my life the way it is. I am simply stating that I am satisfied. I do not need to be rescued from the life I am living. I am not living an unhealthy lifestyle that needs intervention. To hear me say that I am happy living alone and go on to try to convince me that I either should or will stop living alone someday soon comes across like:

you think I am lying to you;

you think I am lying to myself; or

you think there is something wrong with the way I live regardless of whether I'm happy, that I am incapable of figuring out how to live a decent life, and that you must guide me.

It's insulting!

Now, when I say that I live by myself and wish to continue doing so, some people hear too much that isn't really there. Lately there's been discourse around accepting that singleness isn't a moral failure, especially for women; that a single woman is not necessarily sleeping around or too selfish or too career-focused to care about marriage and family. Sometimes a person is just not in the right place at the right time to meet the right person and that's all there is to it. To imply that it is somehow their fault is demoralizing to people who genuinely desire a relationship and family life and worry that it will not happen. But I would add that one does not have to be eagerly seeking out a relationship, either, in order to be living a meaningful and morally upstanding life. Some people believe wholeheartedly that "singleness is an affliction" because we are "meant" to share our lives, but at least acknowledge that not everyone reaches that stage of life at the same pace. But they would do well to acknowledge that some people live fulfilling lives while single.

When I say I am not looking for a partner, I do not mean:

I'm denying that human beings are inherently social animals

Nobody has ever had a healthy, satisfying marriage or partnership

Having a family is bad

Families aren't important

Sex is bad

I don't experience any romantic or sexual feelings whatsoever

I'm not interested in having any friendship or companionship or social connections at all

I'm an island and I don't need others

I shut myself indoors all day and don't engage with the world

I'm wasting the prime of my life waiting for a "unicorn" to come along

Love isn't real

I'm 100% committed to living my life in one way and not open to anything new

I only care about my career, money, or superficial things in life

I just want to party or drift aimlessly from place to place without settling down

Actually, I'm secretly really lonely and sad and insecure about being alone and I'm fishing for you to tell me that I'm great and I'll find someone right away!

I mean simply what I say: that I am not actively seeking out partnership. It could happen or it could not happen and I mean to have a good life either way. I am not trying to imply anything that anyone should interpret as concerning or upsetting or offensive in any way. I'm not even trying to get others to affirm how I live and admit that I've somehow got it right. Ultimately, all I'm asking for is a basic modicum of respect.

[6-hours]

Pretty much a diary entry

I just binged Nagata Kabi's stuff since I found it in the library and it felt like a thing I needed in the moment...

The cycle of feeling bad, then feeling good, then feeling bad, etc etc just reminds me that personal suffering doesn't have a narrative arc. You suffer, you overcome, and honestly the "overcome" part might not even be permanent. In the pit of suffering you can't tell if it'll ever get better and that makes it so much worse... Like what if this time, being sad is permanent.

This isn't the first time I got sad, and if my past experience is anything to judge by, I'll probably get over this sadness too. Then forget about it and go be sad about something or other again!!! It's a cycle!!!! It never stops!!!!

Anhedonia really sucks. But this time, it made me think, "If I'm going to do stuff and not enjoy it, I might as well do something that's good for me even if I don't enjoy doing it." It was that thought that pushed me to drop some covid weight, and do physical activity (which I'd never done purposefully in my entire life until right now!!!). (Like if I'm going to be sad at least I can try to be physically healthy I guess)

And I have a lot of time that I have trouble filling, so I take my time to do stuff that I'd always thought was annoying or a waste of time. Sometimes I walk 20 mins to the grocery store to get a single jug of milk. I take my time to actually clean the bathroom or kitchen. I don't resent maintenance chores as much as I used to. It's something that should be done, and I have time to do it, and the time isn't coming out of something I'd rather be doing. I haven't overcome that hurdle when it comes to cooking though... Thankfully my spouse is happy to handle food.

I'm working on a personal project that's supposed to be "as big as it needs to be, take as long as it will end up taking". I've always had a hard time with something like that because I guess external validation is very tied to my enjoyment of drawing. If I don't get some kind of feedback the enjoyment has to derive purely from my own belief in the project... This is something that basically drove me to utter sadness in thesis year college because I had shut down socially. When I wasn't talking to people, every missed point of contact played out in my head as a scenario where other people directly rejected me. (So and so didn't talk to me when I walked by them in the hall! They must have so little interest in me they don't even want to talk to me! Completely forget the fact that I said absolutely nothing to them!!!)

Anyway! I really took some time to dissect what parts about this project is

Something I wish I could be capable of doing

Something I kept thinking about doing

What are the hard parts about it that I thought I wasn't good enough for

What kind of work I need to put in to make the hard parts possible

I've managed to dismantle some illusions I have about "good artists" and how "good work" actually comes about. I also put aside the thoughts of "this isn't good enough for the kind of scope you want". (The prof in college that said "Do your research! People can tell when you haven't done your research!" really paralyzed me. I had no idea how much research is "enough", especially when it came to something I didn't obsess over, and if it's not "enough" I'll be scrutinized to the ends of the earth. Why put myself through that scrutiny? Why bother doing anything, ever? You can't be criticized for doing something badly if you never do it at all. Take that,!!!!)

The point of doing this project is, I think, to prove to myself that I did it. And at the end of it maybe do another one. Then at the end of all these projects, I can say to myself, look at the body of work you produced! It might not be good, it might not be liked by other people, heck maybe no one else other than you ever saw or knew it existed. But! I put all the thoughts in my head into a physical form. It gets to exist more than it used to.

[sageistri]

Im probably completely alone in this opinion but even if Jimin was active on social media or weverse it wouldn't make much difference for me. He can't go live ofc so all he can do is make a post where he assures us he's doing fine and we hope that that's true. He can't tell us anything about enlistment and he can't drop hints about his future projects (which is fair enough because I don't want him to drop hints perpetually like RM when we have no dates for anything). I'd absolutely love if he could drop a selfie or some longform letter but knowing the training he's going through right now, I understand why that's a total long shot or near impossibility. I think the only thing that would satisfy me right now would be a Jimin collab or a single or even his travel show.

I know people are expecting an album release in May or June but I'm not getting my hopes up until we get an actual release date from Hybe. They're always moving release dates around from the (not super reliable) info I've heard. Since hots finally finished last Friday, maybe the travel show will release soon though. Because we had suchwita for a damn long time, then after that ended, they started with hots almost immediately so now that that's over, they might finally release the jkk travel show. I might regret hoping so much for it once the shipping blood bath starts but I'm suffering from serious Jimin withdrawals here 😔

No I'm with you, I've actually talked about this before.

It makes no difference to me if he's in the military because I never saw him in person anyways and he was no longer consistent with posting. He's still in Korea, just like he's always been. The only thing that has changed really is that we would not be expecting or predicting any physical appearances at his brand events and there's no BTS content so we can't get the usual Jimin content. And i do miss him but not enough to want that travel show, already said I will not be watching it.

And I saw armys posting about Joon teasing his album made me realize that we still have him to consider when discussing Jimin's next release . I know joon's trying to have this elaborate rollout moment but it's kinda annoying because it's boring as fuck.