#like if it were a big deal 4 me my therapist would push it more and ppl would notice better and stuff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dzpenumbra · 1 year

Text

2/11/23

I got ice cream. =D

So I might be scattered while I write this because I'm taking breaks to eat bites of it. Salted caramel core ben and jerry's. Yay!

Why the special treat?

Today was the one week anniversary of my cat's death. Time has been... very odd. It always is when I'm grieving. Like... temporal distortion in both directions. It feels like I just took her in yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like a year ago. It's so disorienting.

I found out about this anniversary because I was called while cutting my hair and getting ready for my shower by the vet, they were informing me that my cat's ashes had arrived. I'm looking at them right now, they're in a wooden box over on the windowsill, by her old huge fancy cat tree that I salvaged from the retreat I went to to detox off meds. It's still wrapped in Christmas lights, my first tongue-in-cheek attempt at decorating a "Christmas Tree". I think she liked it. My big present to her was getting thick fiber cordage and fixing up one of the big scratching posts on the tree. She didn't really use it too often because of how bad her hips were getting, but it was the one non-horizontal surface she would scratch on, and I think she liked it.

It's been a tough day since then. Yoga was pretty good today. I've been really... struggling to do my own yoga thing ever since the doctor's visit. I think it really set me off, I'm still recovering and it's been like... 5 days now. And, unfortunately, because of that... it's very important for me to keep at it and try to just... let go of thoughts, let them pass through. My therapist and I have talked about this concept here a bit, one that I've taken to adjusting and being very mindful of. The difference between exposure therapy (which is gradual, steady, controlled exposure) and flooding (diving into the deep end). And a lot of my methods through my life, most of which were not by choice honestly, were flooding. They were "fuck it, send it." And... I think I'm living proof that using only that methodology can have very negative effects. So... there is a big part of me that is tempted to just... grit down and push through with the mental stuff. In case I hadn't really explained in detail, the problem I'm dealing with is torrential waves of invasive thoughts during the quiet sections of yoga, especially meditation. Without guidance in my yoga, it takes a lot more direct focus on physical sensations to allow my mind to be... fluid? I guess? Porous? To let the thoughts just go in one ear and out the other, you know? To be more still of mind. Guided yoga is much easier. I have a voice to lock in on, direction to follow, etc. It allows my brain to focus on that, which is a fast-paced, dynamically changing thing I can redirect my thoughts to. So... I've gone back to the yoga videos for now. While the brain stuff is tough. So I don't flood too much. And lately, I've just been picking a random video and doing that for the day, it's working pretty well so far.

I had plans to stream today, the first time since my like 4 day "return"... back in... late september/early october. It was going to be Rimworld today, I miss it, honestly, and I kinda want to just scrap the playthrough I was doing and start a new one. I think that should be okay. I'm not too bothered by that idea. I got the mods all configured and everything. My plan was to get groceries, write my therapist back so I can get disclosure consent forms in the works so he can talk to my new doctor, then stream. But then the vet called...

So I went to the vet. It was... tough. It didn't hit me until like... right down the road from the vet, a sign for a restaurant. And I flashed back to that morning. The white-blue morning light, the bright white clouds, the fog on the windows. It hit me hard. I felt the cold of that morning. Pulling into the parking lot kept it going. Then actually walking in, seeing the door to the room where she was put down. It was tough. It was half an hour before they closed, already getting really dark out. The lady at the counter was trying to be nice and thoughtful, she was very kind, but she was like... asking me questions about something like... pins or something, and I seriously was just completely on autopilot and just nodded and smiled and went with whatever she said. Did not care, just wanted my cat's remains. That's all. And that whole part wasn't even that hard. And she like... apologized for not being able to do more for her. And she really didn't have to do that, she really didn't. That's a very sweet sentiment. (God, that's gotta be such a hard job. -_-) The hard part... the hard part was seeing a tag on the bag when I got in the car and put it on the passenger seat, and it said her name. And I started bawling. And I am now again just remembering it. It just got really fucking real again. It's weird how such a small thing can make something like that just get so fucking real.

I miss her a lot. And I love her so so much.

I took a few minutes, which I hope wasn't too awkward for the kind woman at the register. Then I went to the grocery store. Great time to go shopping, when your eyes are still puffy from crying. But I had headphones, which are like... my new life-hack for shopping. I just put on my own music, something I can really get into, and start half-dancing my way around the store. It's actually really fun and I enjoyed it. I used to dread going to the grocery stores, it was like a guaranteed panic attack. Now, I actually have fun there. Except when I see how much it's gonna cost... I have no clue if I got anything I actually needed other than like... essentials and impulse buys... but 1) I got a really hard life event done, and I did a great job of it, didn't miss a beat, 2) I went right into a chore, and made the best of it, and actually enjoyed it. I'd call that a big win.

When I got back, I immediately ordered Chinese takeout. I haven't had it since the night before her last vet visit. That really scary horrible night where we almost went to the ER. I figured since I had already broken the seal on that traumatic memory, I was already kinda reliving a week ago, I better get ahead of any kind of traumatic memory association and just... make it into something sweet. Make it into nostalgia rather than dread. Or at least just normalize it a bit, I dunno. It's hard to look back fondly on that night... but I can, I can right now. That night we cuddled up in bed together for the last time. She even initiated, she came in from the bathroom where she slept the entire night before and curled up with me. It was the perfect picture of the majority of our 16 year relationship. Love and trust, fondness and forgiveness, family. I need to be very deliberate to give her memory fair playtime between regret and celebration. I don't want to completely stifle and deny regret, some of my greatest self-improvements have sourced from healthy processing of regret. But I really do need to make sure it's not... unhealthy.

That word, regret, keeps popping in my head because of a pamphlet that was in the bag they gave me. They had a grief counseling pamphlet in with her ashes. I thought that was really smart, and considerate. But whoever the graphic designer was, good lord, every damn picture was someone with a dog and big golden washed out godrays of sunlight and shit, like every picture was the same. I found it a bit tacky. But there were some helpful things in there about like... guilt. And regret. All that. That's why that's popping into my head a lot.

I ate a shit ton of Chinese food. I got my new rock polish, so I can try to get that set up tomorrow. I got a yoga block, so I can like... see if I can relearn how to sit like a human being again... I got a string of multi-colored Tiger's Eye beads, which is pretty cool. Yeah, I guess that's it.

I didn't stream. I was going to. But I didn't. I don't even really remember what I did, I watched YouTube videos, I think? It's been a heavy evening, I'm not surprised I kinda zoned out.

Good lord, I have to say, after that big emotional flood... and after the really fucked up interaction yesterday that I'm still struggling to recover from. I'm just flat-out exhausted. I'm actually like nodding off. I think I'm just going to curl up in bed and watch that Subnautica playthrough until I pass out. I think that would be a good way to wrap up my night.

The last line of a song I wrote a few years ago just popped into my head, I feel compelled to just share the whole thing just to see if I remember it... XD It's called "Purp".

Taking two steps into the ocean, coastin, I left it to the best of my emotions. Roped in, lifting up the latch, I snatch the potion. Ghosts and everlasting hope are flowing open. We know this is not a joke, we decided to reconcile this. My lips speak of redefining what's behind the eyelids. Mindless and divided, we fall. Blinded by the shine, but we divine to resolve and manifest a reciprocity. Messing with lesser properties, I oughta be caught in a nest of parenthetical prophecy. Lost at sea without a lighthouse to guide. Mind in the treetops, we lost the signs. I've got a new mantra to taunt ya, syllables of lingual symbols. Avant de te connaitre we connect, hypnotized by the phase shift. Space ships spiraling from basic bitch to pit viper shit. (It'll) make you feel like a deity; keeping belief and deceiving the weak. Speak of disease... Calming storms in a life raft, galaxies form in a glorious light flash. The dawn awaits better days are right around the corner.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness #grief journal

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chefdoeuvre · 3 years

Text

Aftermath

Jay Halstead

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Sister!Reader

Description: People always tend to forget about the aftermath.

Words: 2,122

Requested: yes by anonymous; second, if it's ok i wanted to request a part two to the imagine? i was wondering if you could just explore the aftermath of her assault, as she continues to heal and accept what's happened to her. by this i mean experiencing ptsd and having nightmares, flashbacks and dealing with certain triggers. also, maybe she could still sometimes turn to substances as many survivors do, and just break down sometimes. obviously since it's a halstead sister fic and i love the support system in the last story, i'd love to see jay helping her through everything and being super protective + some scenes with the rest of intelligence? but it's obviously up to you. thank you so much <3

Warnings: mention of drinking, sexual assault, drugs, language, PTSD, Jay Halstead and all of Intelligence being the best.

A/N: This is the long awaited part two to Infliction, and by long-awaited I mean like a month later. I tried to make the end light hearted because it seemed like a good way to go. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.

—

It had been a few weeks since the party and things were beginning to look up. You and Brayden started hanging out more and it was safe to say the two of you were on your way to becoming best friends. The group of guys had all been arrested and sent far away from you. You, Jay, and Will have been having more frequent family movie nights instead of them heading out to Molly's every free night they got. Intelligence had basically adopted you as one of their own and even went out of their way to hang out with you. Kim and Hailey had girls nights away from the ever-annoying guys they work with. Adam and Kevin practically chauffeured you to hangouts with Brayden and took you out to your favorite diner on the weekends. Even Hank had called you once in a while as a check-in and to keep you informed about your case. Overall things seemed to be getting better for you.

Except for one little detail. Your PTSD was hitting you like a truck. Of course, the only person who even remotely knew what was happening was Brayden because he was the one person you spent most of your time with. Thankfully he was there to help ground you and calm you down when it all became too much for you. This wasn't sudden, it's been building up since it happened and clearly you needed to work on accepting it rather than shoving it all down. That's one thing you and Jay had in common, the two of you always had trouble addressing your problems no matter how big they became.

Currently, you were laying in bed and staring up at your ceiling that Jay had covered in stars for you. If there was one thing about you is that you still are a child at heart. You had been shocked awake by your recurring nightmare. It always followed the same premise of the night of the party but every night there were either different people, points of view, or different actions you took that still led you to the same outcome. There were dried tears staining your cheeks that you hadn't bothered to wipe away and every few moments there would be a soft sniffle to break the eerie silence.

Having enough of staring up at your ceiling you let out a low huff and pushed yourself up to a sitting position. You turned to the side and looked at the clock resting on your nightstand. The clock read 4:19 AM which was clearly too early for you to be up but too late for you to try and go back to sleep before Jay's rustling while getting ready would wake you up. Reaching over to open the drawer in your nightstand you checked the small bottle hidden under the glasses case that held your blue light ones. It was three-quarters full of vodka you had inconspicuously stolen from Jay's cabinet. You kept promising yourself that you wouldn't drink anymore, but clearly, that wasn't really panning out in your favor. Sure you would have a swig or two before braving yourself and heading off to school but it was to take the edge off, not to get drunk.

If Jay were to check through your drawer he'd probably think otherwise. You had stopped with the pills since he had found you, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him so you continued to drink. Obviously, it wasn't a lot and definitely not enough to get you drunk off your ass. You just wanted to be buzzed enough to have the courage to walk into your dreaded school every morning and deal with the numerous triggers you kept on discovering.

Eventually, it was time for you actually start getting ready for school. Jay had already left for work a while ago, leaving a kiss on your head before stepping out the door. You pulled on a random outfit that was comfortable and your usual pair of shoes before throwing your backpack over your shoulder and walked downstairs. Deciding against your worst judgment you made the choice to brave the day without the buzz of alcohol. Waiting at the front entrance of your building was Brayden. Like every morning the two of you would walk to school together if Jay had to go into the district early. If Jay only had paperwork that day he would drive the two of you to school instead, but that didn't happen very often.

The two of you walked to school silently, only exchanging a few words of greeting. Once you had made it to the large building you both had to split up for your classes. The day went on like usual, boring teachers droning on about upcoming assignments and tests. Lunch had arrived after what seemed like forever and you sat at an empty table practically half asleep. You held your head in your hand as you kept your eyes from slipping shut at the exhaustion.

"You not feeling too hot there?" One of your classmates from English asked as he passed by.

You froze at the familiar words before shaking yourself out of the memory.

"Fine, just tired." You brushed off their comment as he nodded with an understanding smile before continuing to his table.

Moments later the door opened and you picked your head up reluctantly. It was a few guys on the football team.

"You not feeling too hot there?" One of the seniors asked you.

You simply shook your head which only worsened the pain in it. The boys walked a few steps closer before placing their hands on your shoulders. They shoved you back onto the bed and immediately your body began to react.

You kicked and punched aimlessly to get them off of you but your movements were uncoordinated and your mind was foggy. There were too many of them and they began to overpower you, their hands wandering to unwanted places.

“Y/N?” Brayden’s voice pulled you out of the flashback.

“Huh?” Your teary eyes darted around his face before focusing on his concerned expression.

“Let’s head to the library, all right?” Brayden suggested already standing up from his seat across from you.

You nodded silently before hiking your bag over your shoulder and walked to the library beside him. Luckily at your school, they were lenient enough to let you head to the library during lunch. Usually, the kids didn’t take advantage of it but it was an unspoken spot of peace for you and Brayden.

The two of you sat at a table near the back and Brayden pulled a chair up beside you.

“Want to talk about what happened back at lunch?” Brayden asked softly.

You bit your lip in contemplation. This had been happening for weeks and every time you’d shake your head and change the subject. But the fact was it wasn’t getting better and you just needed to tell somebody that you weren’t okay. A few tears slipped out of your eyes which led to quiet sobs escaping from your lips. Brayden offered you a hug with outstretched arms, making sure to check if you were okay with it. You leaned forward into his embrace and squeezed his waist tightly. He held you there while rubbing soothing circles on your back until your cries stopped. You lifted your head off his chest and wiped away the remained tears on your cheeks before speaking up.

“Uh, flashbacks. I’ve been getting them for a while. I thought they’d go away, but they haven’t.” You explained with a sigh, avoiding his gaze and instead taking interest in your hands.

“Okay first, if they happen again tell me, or pull on my sleeve and I’ll get you somewhere quiet. Got it?” Brayden bent his head to try and get into your eye line.

You nodded your head with a hum before he spoke up again, “since they haven’t gone away maybe you should talk to someone. Preferably a professional, but if you’re only comfortable telling me then I’m all ears. Although, I’m not sure that I can cure you with magic, wish I could though.” Brayden tried to lighten the mood with his magic comment.

“Thanks, Brayden. Jay actually has been bugging me about seeing a therapist. Said it helped him with his PTSD, I think I might take him up on it.” You looked up at the boy with pursed lips.

“That’s good. Just know we’re not trying to force you into anything, we just want you to feel better however long that may take.” Brayden gave you a soft smile.

“You are wise beyond your years, you know that?” You smiled back with a small laugh.

“I try, I try.” Brayden shrugged nonchalantly.

“Can you come with me to the district after school?” You asked cautiously.

“Of course, not like I’d rather do my homework.” Brayden laughed.

“And there’s the Brayden I know.” You smiled widely.

Soon enough you and Brayden had been making your way to the twenty-first district to talk with Jay and probably the rest of Intelligence. The air was lighter between the two of you once you had finally started to open up. Of course, you hadn’t spilled everything but the little you had told him made the weight on your shoulders lessen slightly.

“Ah, baby Halstead and company, what brings you here?” Trudy greeted from the front desk with a tight-lipped smile. Even if she didn’t want to admit it, she had a soft spot for you.

“Can you ring us upstairs? I need to talk with Jay.” You asked.

“You’re lucky they haven’t caught a case today.” Trudy walked out from behind her desk and led you and Brayden upstairs.

“Thank you, Trudy.” You smiled and followed the woman.

“I have a special delivery for Detective Chuckles.” Trudy spoke up once the three of you reached the top of the steps.

Jay’s head snapped up from his desk with a look of confusion when his eyes landed on you. He quickly stood up and scanned you over for anything.

“What happened, are you all right?” Jay cupped your cheek in concern before sparing a glance at Brayden for any sign of something bad.

“I’m okay, I just needed to talk to you.” You reassured him.

“All right. You wanna head into the kitchen?” Jay asked.

“No, we could talk at your desk. They’re all gonna find out anyway.” You gestured to the rest of the unit who was watching the two of you intently.

Jay nodded his head and led you to his desk. You reached out and held onto Brayden’s arm as you pulled him along to take a seat and sit beside you. Of course, at this, the entire unit had gathered around with concerned faces once you started to explain to them. Jay’s expression was held with soft eyes as he listened to you agree with wanting to try therapy and asking for help.

Once you were done Jay stood up and placed a kiss on the top of your head before whispering into your hair, “I’m proud of you.” Jay pulled away to give you a warm smile.

“All right come here you little muffin.” Kim held out her arms with a smile.

You stepped forward into her embrace as she squeezed you tightly, she rocked the two of you from side to side eliciting a small giggle out of you. Hailey joined the hug with a laugh once Kim pulled her by the arm.

Antonio placed a hand on your shoulder once you, Hailey, and Kim pulled away, “I’m proud of you, kiddo.” He offered you a kind nod.

“So proud.” Kevin gave you one of his signature bear hugs.

“Okay, it’s my turn.” Adam squeezed his way to stand in front of you. Which caused everyone to laugh at his eagerness.

“I could never forget about you, Ruz.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he lifted your toes off the ground.

“Are we done yet? You guys are treating my sister like an attraction.” Jay sassed.

“You’re just mad that you only got to kiss me on the head and not a hug.” You retorted from leaning back into Brayden with a smirk.

“No, not true.” Jay shook his head with furrowed brows.

“Yup, totally jealous.” You nodded convinced.

“How did we go from a serious topic to Halstead and mini Halstead having a sarcasm battle?” Adam questioned with a confused expression.

“I learned to stop questioning it.” Brayden shrugged from behind you.

“It’s how we cope. Halstead thing, I guess.” You said with raised brows.

“Fair enough.” Jay sighed.

#chicago pd fanfiction #fanfiction #imagine #request #one shot #one chicago #one chicago fanfiction #one chicago imagine #chicago pd imagine #chicago pd #jay halstead x y/n #jay halstead x you #jay halstead x sister!reader #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead fanfiction #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead

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queen-haq · 3 years

Text

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 5

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Rating: R for language and light smut.

Words: ~2000 words.

Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*.

Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost...

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

******

You didn’t grow up with hugs, so you never really understood the big deal about them. Nothing irritated you more than when acquaintances wanted to hug you. Over the years you’d learned to accept it and go with the flow but intimate gestures from people you barely knew made you uncomfortable. The only time you didn’t mind being hugged was by Davina and even then she was careful not to overdo it. But right now, with Billy’s arms locked around you, you pressed up against him, he felt so good, so solid, you never wanted to leave his embrace. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt so cherished, and the fact that it was Billy – you didn’t want to think about what that meant.

You wrapped your hands around the back of his shoulders, simply breathing him in.

At first the comfort Billy provided was enough to distract you from what happened today, but then you were suddenly struck by the memory of Adam pointing his gun at you. Thanks to your father’s outbursts you learned a long time ago to stay calm in hostile situations, and that skill came in handy this morning. While Adam spewed hatred at you and accused you of destroying his life, you kept him preoccupied and talking until the cops came up and managed to haul him away. But once the danger subsided, all of that unleashed fear came back with a vengeance and you hadn’t been able to shake it off since then. Shopping, and then Billy’s unexpected arrival, had provided a temporary distraction but it was still lingering in you, threatening to engulf you at any moment.

Your fingers trailed up Billy’s back. One hand cradled the nape of his neck while the other reached up to play with his hair. He was so tall you had to stand on your tip-toes to run your fingers through his silky strands. You dropped a soft kiss on his chest, over his sweater, then on his skin as your lips dragged up to the base of his throat. His hands caressed languidly down your back, and you groaned when he squeezed your ass. Your hips ground into his, needing more from him than he was giving.

Adam’s face flashed through your mind, his sheer hatred of you stamped across his angry features. Your chest felt constricted, like you couldn’t breathe.

Before you could change your mind, you reached up to kiss Billy.

Every thought in your head instantly dissipated.

You’d forgotten what it felt like to have his mouth devour yours, hot and wild and reckless, tongue on tongue, tongue against teeth, nothing about it soft or tender but simple, pure assault on your senses. He didn’t just kiss with his mouth, he kissed with his whole being, every movement of his reverberating throughout your body. Even something innocuous like his fingers fisting your hair heightened your desires, making you more frantic.

Usually he was very much in sync with what you wanted, he could read when you were in the mood for slow and sensuous, or when you wanted to be fucked hard and rough, and he always delivered. But today he seemed to want to take his time even though you kept pushing for more. Charging forward, you trapped him against the wall behind, kissing him ferociously while your hands rushed to the buttons on his jeans. As you tried to undo them your fingers shook violently, frustrating you so badly that you tore your mouth away from his just so you could focus on ripping them off.

“Y/N,” he groaned, panting.

You didn’t look at him, too busy unzipping his jeans.

“Y/N, slow down…”

Your fingers delved beneath his boxers to palm his cock. You missed the feel of him, the touch of him, how slick he felt in your hands when he was hard. Before Billy you never thought cocks were beautiful but his was thick, long and divine, made to give you the most incredible of pleasures. Your mouth and pussy thirsted for him-

Abruptly, Billy grabbed your shoulders and forced you to back off.

Caught up in passion, your brain scrambled to figure out why he was no longer touching you. Breaths labored, you stared up at him, confused, as he pulled up his jeans. Before you could catch your breath he was whirling you around, forcing you against the wall, gripping your wrists tightly over your head. His penetrating eyes bore into you, like he could see right through you or something, and the thought scared you. Leaning forward you tried to kiss him but he angled back, rejecting your attempts.

“Hey,” he murmured. “Just stop. Okay?”

“I thought you wanted this.”

“I do but-”

“Isn’t this why you showed up here?”

“Look, you’re messed up right now.”

“I’m fine!” you snapped, struggling to release your arms from his grip. “I want this, ok? I want you. Let me show you. Let me fuck you.”

He focused on you closely, his eyes dark and stormy, before he finally loosened his grasp. When you moved to cradle his face, he retreated back. Forget kissing you, he didn’t even touch you. Instead, he knelt down to pick up your robe from the ground and cover you with it. That’s when you noticed you were naked. You hadn’t even realized your robe had slipped off.

You were naked and desperately throwing yourself at him and he was purposely rejecting you. It felt like a slap in the face. You were mortified.

Pushing him away you tightened the robe around you and tried to sidestep past him. Except he blocked your path.

You tried again, he did the same.

“What?” You snarled, swallowing the lump in your throat. You were embarrassed as hell but you’d die before telling him that.

He tilted your chin, forcing you meet his stare. In turn, you glared at him.

“Sex isn’t going to make you forget what happened this morning,” he said softly.

“Maybe I just wanted to feel something good.”

“Doesn’t last long. Then you’re stuck feeling shitty again.”

You were tired of his sanctimonious bullshit. He of all people shouldn’t have been lecturing you on using sex as a distraction. “Like you’ve never used me for sex?”

“Fine, yeah, I have. And I don’t want to be used in the same way.”

“You’re such a hypocrite!”

“I don’t want you to regret being with me.”

The intensity in his eyes was spellbinding, piercing you right through to the core. You trembled when he brushed your cheek with his fingers, your heart pounding. Throughout your time together, you’d studied and learned many of his expressions and nuances. The excited bounce in his movements when Anvil booked a new client, the underlying bitterness in his words on those days he’d gone to visit his mother, how dark and glossy his eyes shined when he was about to come. But the way he was watching you now – this was new to you. This was dangerous territory. The last thing you wanted was to get caught up in Billy Russo again.

You wrenched his hand away. “If I have regrets, I wouldn’t bother you with them.” You shrugged your shoulders. “Anyway, I told you yesterday. If we have sex again, I’d see it as closure.”

The shift in his eyes was instant. A second ago there had been warmth in his gaze, now there was only disdain. “So you can move on?”

“Not just me. You too.”

Molten eyes narrowed into slits. “Maybe I don’t want to move on.”

“What does that even mean?”

His jaw was clenched, his mouth set in a hard line. “Why do you have to make this so complicated? Why can’t we just go back to how things were?”

“I threw myself at you five minutes ago and you rejected me! And now you’re telling me you want to keep sleeping together?” You massaged your temples, feeling a headache coming on. “Are you purposely trying to fuck with my head?”

The sound of your phone vibrating loudly against the coffee table drew your attention. You marched over to see who was calling. Spotting Roger’s name, you tensed immediately. Why would he be calling you late at night unless it was to tell you Adam was being released? Your heart started pounding as you picked up the call. “Hey, Roger. What’s up?”

Billy snickered beside you and you cast him a dirty glance, turning away from him.

“How are you holding up? I was worried about you, I wanted to check in.”

You breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn’t calling with news about Adam. “I’m fine.”

“I received an email from HR. They said you refused an appointment with the therapist?”

“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” you insisted. You’d tried the therapy route years ago and found it to be a waste of time.

“Unfortunately, it’s not optional. You know how it is. Insurance. Liability. All of that. We just need to make sure you’re okay.”

You exhaled a resigned sigh, rubbing the side of your head again. Today was not your day. “Fine. I’ll make an appointment.”

“Good. I’m glad.” He cleared his throat. “And if you need to talk to me, I’m also here.”

“Thank you for the offer but I’m alright.”

“How about we meet for dinner tomorrow? I want to run some ideas by you about the expansion.”

You groaned internally. You had a stack of work you needed to do and you were hoping to catch up on it this weekend, but turning down a work dinner with your boss wasn’t a smart idea. “Sure. Tomorrow night sounds good.”

“Any preferences?”

“How about Piatti’s?”

“You love that place, don’t you?”

You chuckled. “Yeah, it’s one of my faves.”

“I’ll make reservations for 7pm. See you then.”

“Yeah. Thanks for checking in, Roger.” You hung up and put the phone back on the coffee table.

“Yeah, Roger, thanks for checking in.”

Hearing Billy imitating your voice, you turned around to find him balanced against the edge of the sofa arm, his long legs sprawled in front of him. Arms crossed, he was staring at you with a stern expression. “Isn’t that sweet? First his negligence almost gets you killed, and then he checks in to play the hero.”

You frowned at him. If he was anyone else, you would have thought they were jealous – but you knew Billy didn’t feel that way about you.

His lips twisted into a sneer. “And of course you eat it all up. Because he’s such a fucking sweetheart.”

“What is your problem with him? He’s a nice guy, and he was actually really great with me today.”

“I bet.” Billy’s voice was laced with hostility. “Nice. Sweet. He’s checking of all the right boxes, isn’t he? But can loverboy get you wet? Would he even know how to make you come?”

You finally snapped. “Are you jealous or something?”

Silence hung in the air as he simply stared at you, his jaw ticking. “Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not my fucking girlfriend.”

His words may have hurt, but they also served as a cruel reminder of why you needed to walk away. “That’s right. I’m not. So this thing you’re doing…” You wagged you index finger back and forth between you and Billy. “This interrogation stops now. I don’t answer to you. Who I’m seeing, who I’m fucking, who I’m interested in, it’s none of your business. So stay out of my life and I’ll stay out of yours.”

He stood up to his full height, probably trying to intimidate you. However you held firm, leveling him with a heated glare as he closed the distance between you. His eyes were cold, contempt etched on his face. “Bring the vibrator on your date night with Roger. Probably only way he can get you off.”

“Fuck you, Billy!”

“Not interested, sweetheart,” he snarked back, walking past you.

When you heard the door shut a few seconds later, you walked over to lock it.

You spent the rest of the evening trying to distract yourself from the warring thoughts in your head. When it wasn’t Adam’s face haunting you, it was Billy mocking you. You tried watching a movie but that did nothing. You attempted working next, but you couldn’t focus. Eventually you realized there was only one thing you could do to lessen the fear. You needed to get ahead of it. Adam may have been angry and unhinged, but he came from a powerful family. Even if he couldn’t be controlled, they could be. So you did what you always did to protect yourself. You started acquiring information you could use as leverage against your enemies.

Part 6

A/N - Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the likes, reblogs, comments, feedback and the asks. I’m so grateful to have wonderful readers like you. As always, if you have the time, I’d love to read your thoughts on this chapter.

If you want to be added/removed from the tag list, please let me know. A few people have asked to be tagged, but for whatever reason, Tumblr wouldn’t let me. I still have you on the list, though you may not receive notifications.

Tag List

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#billy russo x reader #billy russo #billy russo imagine #the punisher #my fics

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mariesdameron · 3 years

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Sophie & Sackler Chapter Nine: I won't give up on you.

CW: Mental Health (Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self negative talk) Morning Sickness associated with pregnancy, pregnancy, infertility issues, doctor's office, blood, wound, stitches, prescription medication, mention of potential miscarriage, medical termination, arguing. (It's worth the read, I promise)

WC: 4 674

AN: It was so refreshing to visit these two again. I am sorry for anyone following the series for the very long delay in Chapter Nine. I appreciate your continued love and support for me and Sophie and Sackler.

Read on Ao3

Sophie & Sackler Masterlist

Two pink lines are all it takes to change your entire life--two pink lines. Sophie stared at the three discarded pregnancy tests still peeking out from the trash can. After the first one, she knew that she was pregnant, but anxiety spurred her to take two more.

She had been puking for the last week. Soul-sucking exhaustion had plagued her, and when her period didn't show, it was settled. Sophie curled herself into a ball. Getting pregnant was not something that could happen for her, or so the doctors had informed her for the last fifteen years of her life. It was destined to fail. It wasn't worth speaking about.

Sophie argued with herself, gazing at the bathroom tiles. She wouldn't need to do anything about it. She could go to the clinic herself instead of waiting around for the inevitable. Adam did not have to know. Teardrops spilled off her chin. They had spoken about it once, only once.

Sophie remembered when she dumped the bomb on Adam pretty early in the relationship. She tore it off like a band-aid. She couldn't have children. He needed to know; she couldn't have him imagining an impossible future together. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Adam marched to her, dropped to his knees, and professed how much he loved her before crushing her to him.

Sophie clambered around the floor, looking for her cellphone. Dialing Sam’s phone number. The voicemail picked up, provoking a guttural scream from Sophie's breast. She needed Adam. Adam would tell her it was okay that they would deal with it together. Sophie gazed down at her cell lock screen. Adam's toothy grin begged her to call.

Sophie closed her eyes; her thoughts jumbled. She envisioned the expression on his face when he eventually learned the news. Joy would radiate over him before Sophie would grind him up with the reality of it all. She would miscarry. Sophie abandoned her phone on the floor before turning to vomit.

- - - - - -

Sophie had tried to tell Adam since she discovered the news. She had dialed his cellphone at least a hundred times and hung up before it rang. She resolved to wait. Wait until he came home, and she could sit down and do it face to face. He merited to have the discussion in person.

Sophie picked at her Blueberry Muffin as Sam sat across from her, sipping her coffee. Sam had been spending an extra amount of time with her over the last couple of weeks, thankfully.

"Do you want to go over the plan again?" Sam questioned, biting down on her lip as she studied Sophie's face. Sophie shook her head, tasting the Blueberries starting to come back up her throat.

"No. It's fine. I got it." Sophie pushed away the muffin. Sam looked doubtful.

"Well, I think it's best to just do it like we planned. Like we talked about. It's best to just put it out there right away. Don't let it fester. I mean, I get why you wanted to wait until he got home but remember he may be pissed that you waited three weeks after the fact to say anything." Sophie bit her lip. She didn't need to rehash this again. She had already decided that she would tell him his first night home. No, turning back now.

"Look, I got it. I will let him unpack. I ordered our favorite Chinese take out and once he's done with his spring roll. I will tell him." Sam rolled her eyes.

"Well, at least you still are maintaining your sarcasm." Sam peered down at her cellphone and groaned. "Alright, well, I need to get going. I really hate that I am leaving this weekend. Couldn't he have come home last weekend? For fuck's sake." Sam was in her cousin's wedding and committed to going away for the weekend. It just so happened to perfectly align with Adam's return from Los Angeles. Sam stood, grabbing Sophie by the shoulders. She squeezed Sophie to her chest. "You are going to be okay. Adam loves you. He will understand." Sophie nodded, wetting Sam's blouse.

"I know. I know." Sophie cleared her throat as Sam kissed her forehead.

"Call, text, whatever. And worst-case scenario, I can jet back right after the ceremony. But it will be fine." Sam smoothed Sophie's hair back from her face. "I promise." Sophie smiled weakly at her friend.

"Everything is going to be fine."

- - - - - -

The Chinese food was splayed out over the coffee table. Sophie had ordered all of Adam's favorites. Pacing in front of the couch, she ran her hands down her sides. She should be happy. Adam had been away for a while, deterred to Los Angeles after his big Sundance premiere.

She depressingly had kept the conversations brief. She knew that if there were longer, he would know something was up. But, instead, Adam was nothing but attentive and attuned to her and her moods. She missed him horribly. Holding onto this news broke her; she tried to address things with her therapist but canceled at the last minute. Acknowledging the truth was too hard. The only person who knew was Sam, and it was out of pure necessity.

Sophie looked at her cellphone. He was already in the city and would be arriving at any minute. She had to get it together. She couldn't meltdown as soon as he walked through the door. Adam didn't deserve this, he didn't. He didn't need the extra stress, his entire life was changing and for the greater. Sophie was only going to be the anchor that held him back.

Shaking her head at her thoughts, she stared at the picture frame on the bookshelf. It was her favorite picture of them. Sophie had tried to get both of their faces in camera view while Adam licked her face like the puppy he was. Then, like magic, she detected him at the door. On command, she was emotional as Adam entered. His bag in hand, luggage hauling behind him, and a bouquet of wildflowers balancing under his chin.

"Kid!" He shouted and dumped everything to the floor, moving to her in giant strides. Adam scooped Sophie into a firm embrace. "I fucking missed you so much." Adam murmured into Sophie's hair. "I felt like a little kid on the way here. Like it was fucking Christmas morning or something." Adam let go of her long enough to caress her face before drawing her back into a kiss.

Everything dissolved--only Adam existed. They broke from their embrace, gasping. Adam's eyes dilated, cheeks crimsoned. "I am never leaving the apartment again." He said breathlessly with a smirk that pierced Sophie's heart. Sophie ran her hands through his black mane.

"You cut your hair?" She said, hushed, allowing the silky strands to slip effortlessly through her fingers. Adam beamed, grazing kisses on her temples and cheeks.

"Yeah, my agent thought it was time to change up my look for some upcoming potential projects." He touched his lips back to hers before pretending to sulk. "Do you not like it?" Sophie shook her head.

"I love it." She purred as she sank her face into his chest, breathing him in. She nearly could let go of the panic that was building inside of her. Finding comfort in her safe harbor. Adam caged Sophie to his breast, touching his lips to her brow.

"Fuck, I really really missed you. I feel like we've hardly spoken." Adam wandered over to the living room set up. Grinning, he let go of Sophie. "I see you have laid out a mighty banquet for my return. I couldn't have planned anything more satisfying than this." Putting up his hands, he dashed to the door, plucking up the flowers he had abandoned. "For you, my lady." He bowed slightly before presenting the colorful array of perennials. Sophie swallowed down the guilt welling in her throat. He was perfect. Honestly, he was. Sophie fixed a smile and shuffled to the kitchen to find a vase. Adam thrust off his shoes and plopped down onto the couch.

"Man, I've been craving --- Lo Mein. Los Angeles is nothing compared to New York." Shoving a crab Rangoon in his mouth, he fiddled with the containers. Sophie stood in front of the sink, watching the water run. Did she have to tell him tonight? She could wait. A few days would not make a difference, not in terms of biology anyways. Instinctively her hand went to her stomach, and she sensed the urgency to be sick. How was she going to explain the constant puking? Before she grasped what was transpiring, her blood was dripping onto the stainless steel. Gazing down at the glass pieces from the vase, she distinguished Adam's muted voice next to her before her senses returned.

"Kid! Kid! What did you do?" Adam cautiously drew her hands back, examining the deep gash on her hand. " That's gonna need stitches, baby." Then, clutching the roll of paper towels, Adam wrapped up her wound. Sophie stood confused at her own carelessness.

It would have been entertaining to watch Adam work a smartphone app, however, Sophie's mind remained unable to manifest words. Her mental dissociation was in full swing, the weight of her mind dragging her through mechanical motions. Attempting to make sense of the scene, Adam led her to the door as he typed into his phone.

- - - -

Sophie sat on the end of the hospital bed. The white starkness of the room was effectively raising Sophie's anxiety, along with following her boyfriend's pacing in front of her.

"Adam, please just sit down... PLEASE." Sophie sounded slightly more forceful than intended. Adam froze and stared at her, face drained of blood. Sophie recognized that he was panicked. This was definitely not the way she desired to spend his first night home. Before Adam could speak, the Doctor strolled into the examination room. “Sophie, I am Dr. Davis.” He observed Adam, who stood fidgeting in the corner. Finally, Adam cleared his throat and stepped forward, taking the Doctor's hand.

"Adam, Sackler. Boyfriend." Dr. Davis nodded in understanding as he lifted Sophie's bandaged hand.

"Well, it was a sizeable gash, and you will need stitches, which we will be applying soon.” Dr. Davis flipped through her chart. "Is there anything else we should know about before I get started on your stitches? For example, are you allergic to anything that may not be noted on your chart?"

Sophie shook her head no, glimpsing over at Adam, who remained in the corner. His face troubled as he regarded the Doctor removing the bandaging. Sophie's mind raced. Was pregnancy something she had to tell the Doctor? This is not the fucking way Adam needed to find out that she was pregnant. Sophie's heart began racing, and the Doctor certainly took notice.

"It's alright; it will be over sooner than you think." He said, patting Sophie gently. Adam exhaled before scooting closer to them.

"I am right here, kid." His voice shaky, but his jaw locked tightly. Her chest throbbed. He didn't justify this bullshit. How could she be so stupid? How could she be so careless? Ruining his first night, becoming pregnant. She had always been so careful. She was on birth control. They didn't always use a condom, but the frequency was low. Doctor Davis stood interrupting Sophie's thoughts. He was finished. He analyzed her face before speaking.

"How are you feeling, Sophie? I saw in your chart that you were on a couple of psychiatric medications. I can bring in the nurse for something to ease the panic?" Sophie's eyes flew to Adam.

She avoided talking about her mental illness around him. She knew he didn't judge her or care, but she wanted desperately to keep it away from him. Sophie shrugged her shoulders. Doctor Davis acknowledged. "I am going to send her in with something. Xanax, I saw marked for emergency usage. I will send her in with a low dose. Just to help take the edge off.” Sophie bit her lip and accepted.

Adam slid next to her, immediately rubbing her back in comfort when they were alone. Sophie closed her eyes. She had to tell him. Adam tugged her tight to him.

"Kid, it's okay. You are all sewed up. No big deal. We will be back to the apartment, devouring our spring rolls soon." Turning, she studied his sweet freckled face that never ceased to make her heart ache.

"Adam...I have to tell you something." Sophie stuttered, the keen stabbing dread seizing her chest. Adam sympathetically leaned in and swept a kiss to her face.

"Kid, you didn't ruin my night. I know you are worried about it. I promise all I wanted is to see you." He reflected. "I mean, I didn't want to watch you gash your fucking hand open, but it's fine." He relaxed his head on Sophie's shoulder. The nurse cleared her throat as she entered. Sophie's nails burrowed into her palms as she observed the nurse move around her supplies.

"I am Minda; the Doctor thinks a small dose of Xanax would be helpful after looking over your medical history. Don't worry." The oxygen seeped from the room. Sophie couldn't breathe. "Xanax is deemed safe throughout pregnancy."

Inhaling faster, the nurse interrupted what she was doing and examined Sophie. "Deep breaths. The Doctor also wanted me to ask if you were interested in an iron infusion. We can schedule one for you to come back. Being that you are anemic, it's a good idea with you being pregnant." Sophie refused to look at Adam. She couldn't. Her eyes begged the nurse.

"Could you maybe come back in a few minutes?" Sophie mumbled amidst small gasps. The nurse's eyes widened, discerning the situation. Pursing her lips, she handed the paper cup of Xanax to Sophie.

"I'll be back in ten minutes for your discharge paperwork." Sophie kept her eyes to the floor, listening for the door to close. She waited. She waited for him to speak, but the room remained silent despite the beeps and hums from nearby equipment.

Lifting her eyes, she wasn't sure what to think. Adam sat, his arms criss crossed over his chest. His frame was trembling, his nostrils flared. He was watching Sophie. Her sight clouded, and her throat constricted as Adam stood, his hands twitching at his side.

"How long?" He stammered, rubbing his hands over his face. "How long have you known? And why didn't you tell me?" His face, drawn with agitation. Sophie shook her head, swallowing down sobs.

"I didn't know how to tell you." She faltered. Adam began pacing back and forth.

"I don't know... something like, Adam, I am pregnant would have worked okay." Sophie looked at the pills on the side table. She could take them. It would make this easier. It would prevent the impending panic attack that was threatening with every word exchanged.

Adam followed Sophie's gaze and stepped towards her, taking the cup and forcing it in her free hand. "Take them; you don't need an attack right now." His tone softened as he spoke. Sophie gulped the pills down as Adam renewed pacing. "Please say something." Finally, he stopped, misty-eyed as he pleaded. Sophie wrung her hands.

"I've known since I got back from 'Sundance.'” She whispered, seeing his face sink further. "I wanted to tell you, but I knew how much it would hurt you." Her tears leaked from her nose.

"Why? Would it hurt me, Sophie?" Adam strode to her, gripping her face in his hands. "I fucking love you. Why would I ever be upset about this? Unless..." Back hutching forward, his eyes snapped shut. Gradually, he retreated. "Did you do it? Did you 'take care’ of it? " He challenged, his voice vibrating. Sophie furiously shook her head.

"No, no." Her heart pulsated in the vice grip constricting it. She knew the memories that were inundating his brain. Raising his head, shades of crimson grew up his neck. Adam wiped his reddening eyes and smoothed back his hair.

"We can talk about this more at home. But I don't want to do this here. I'm beat from the flight, and this isn't good for you." Adam tapped his forehead. "I am going to take a walk around the floor, and then hopefully, when I get back, we can go." Sophie sucked on her lower lip, agreeing.

Sophie sank her head in her hands as Adam disappeared. She hadn't 'taken care’ of it yet, but that was up next for discussion. She had explained that the Doctors had told her she cannot carry a baby to full term. He had said he understood and loved her nevertheless.

Was he about to go against his words? This was everything Sophie wanted to avoid. She told him she couldn't have kids. Just because this accidental pregnancy happened, it doesn't equal a child. It involves a miscarriage. Despite the nauseating pains in her stomach, the impulse to scream simmered. The nurse knocked before entering, clipboard in hand.

"Just a few signatures and you are good to go." Sophie gripped the pen, knowing full well the night was not close to being over.

- - - -

The ride back to the apartment was quiet. Sackler walked straight to the bathroom and closed the door. She heard the water running. She knew he was attempting to calm down. Unfortunately, there would be no deescalating at this moment. He would need to listen to her and understand what was necessary.

Seating herself on the edge of the couch, she waited until she heard the bathroom door open. Adam leaned against the wall, facing Sophie. Sliding his restless hands into his pockets, his face distorted with emotion. Sophie licked her dry lips. Then, steadying herself against the cushions, she let it all pour out.

"I am so sorry, Adam. I know I should have told you sooner. I just thought you deserved better to hear it all in person. I didn't want it to be like this. I definitely didn't expect your first night home to go this way. I wanted us to have a few happy moments together before I dropped the news. I just knew how much it was going to hurt you. Knowing that it would result in nothing." Adam abruptly held up his hands, muttering for her to stop.

"What are you saying to me, Sophie? Have you already decided then? To just go ahead and --." Adam cleared his throat. His adam's apple bobbed harshly as he drank down his evident disgust. Anger swelled in Sophie's gut, vibrating throughout her body.

"Don't, Adam Sackler. Do not look at me like this. You KNEW!" Sophie's voice bellowed through the living room. "I told you, I couldn't have children remember? That wasn't just a lifestyle choice. I explained it all very carefully to you." Adam leaped from his spot, frantically running his hands through his hair.

"You said you couldn't get pregnant. But here you are, pregnant. Pregnant with my child." His tone dipped in desperation.

"It's not a child. It's a pregnancy. Don't put this on me, Adam. Please. I told you that I wouldn't be able to carry a child to full term. I told you." The weight of her words split her mind. It was bad enough that these thoughts plagued her mind every occasion that she strolled past a school or a park crowded with kids.

Or all the intruding conversations of 'when are you going to have children?' 'You are getting up there in age, sweetheart. You should consider.' The societal expectation that she should and could bear children produced countless episodes of worthlessness and failure. She believed she had escaped this topic with Adam after their initial conversation.

Adam kneeled and lowered his gaze. Sophie caught his sigh as he rubbed at his jaw.

"I know what we discussed, but it's at least something that we can look into? See a doctor first? Before we make any hasty conclusions." He faltered as he spoke, his pitch mounting in sentiment. Sophie wordlessly watched Adam's hunched form. His sniffling and deep breathing were venom in her veins. Her beautiful Adam, she knew her troubles would eventually destroy him and her both. Clawing into her arms, she attempted to steady her speech.

"I don't think you understand...It was made pretty clear to me that I can't have children. I guess we could get a hopeful Doctor and have them tell us to hold out and see..." Adam lifted his head, eyes eager and bloodshot. The optimism on his face induced bile up her esophagus. "You aren't the one who is going to have to go through the physical loss. The emotional toll isn't the only thing I will suffer through, please... Understand." Sophie's bottom lip quivered at the notion of going through it all again. She couldn't. Adam wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve as he stood.

"And I have to suffer knowing that this is the second chance I lose at becoming a father." His statement pierced through her. She was going to hurl.Hurrying to her feet, Sophie bolted herself in the bathroom before bowing over the toilet. Her head was a pulsating jackhammer.

"Sophie, kid. Open the door, let me help you." Sophie wept amidst upheavals. "Jesus fucking Christ kid, just unlock the door, please." Finally, Sophie regained her composure as she located a towel.

"Adam, just go." Sophie pleaded weakly, relishing in the coldness of the cloth on her blazing skin.

"Sophie, don't. Please don't do this. Let me in." Adam's voice fractured as his hands pounded against the wood. "I love you so much. I need this all to be okay." He cried. Sophie held herself, the sting of his earlier statements still raw. He would blame her forever. There wasn't winning here.

Sure, he would be more understanding on the surface if she miscarried. Still, he set her up to be the villain, with her not wanting to follow through with the pregnancy. She couldn't look him in the eyes each day, knowing that he resented her for all of this. Sophie shook when Adam roared incoherently. She stilled in the abrupt silence of the apartment. A few brief moments passed before Adam was back at the door.

"I am going to a hotel.” Sophie heard Adam's hesitation. "Text me when you are ready to talk." Then, skipping a beat, he breathed 'I love you' and 'I am sorry' before his scuffling was gone. Sophie slumped to the tile, desperate for relief from the ache in her breast, pulsating mind, and hollowness in her stomach.

- - - -

Sophie opened her eyes, blinking at the harshness of the overhead light. She had cried herself to sleep. Standing up, Sophie searched for the ibuprofen. She felt hungover. Glancing at the bathroom mirror, she grimaced. Swollen eyes and puffy cheeks stared back at her. Sophie unlocked the door, as she did, a large object fell towards her, sending her into a fury, jumping backward and screaming. She heard Adam's voice through her yells.

"KID! It's me. It's me." Adam jumped up from the floor, his hands stretching out towards Sophie. "Shh... It's just me." Adam drew Sophie to him, enveloping her into his chest. Sophie's mind intuitively eased as his comforting scent overwhelmed her thoughts.

"I thought you went to a hotel." She murmured into his shirt, pressing her face further into his breast. Adam's grip tightened as he pressed his lips to her forehead.

"I couldn't. I got to the bottom of the stairs and turned back around. My entire fucking world is right here. Why would I go anywhere else?" Sophie's muscles tightened as the previous conversation rushed back to her. Adam immediately cupped her face in his hands. "Kid, let's go to bed. Let me hold you. We don't need to talk about this anymore tonight. Let's go to bed, please." Adam's wide amber eyes silently pleaded for her to listen. Sophie nodded. Her body was heavy, her mind pained and hazy.

Adam removed both his and Sophie's clothes before pulling back the sheets and comforter. Opening his arms, he dragged her to him. Wrapping his legs and arms around her, he caged her to him.

"Sleepy time." He teased quietly as he caressed kisses into her hair. Sophie sighed deeply before allowing the steady rise and fall of Adam's chest to lull her to sleep.

- - -

Sophie woke to Adam lying on top of her, his head peacefully nuzzled into her breasts. Shaking her head and smirking, she worked her fingers through his black mane. Adam let out a small grunt.

"I've missed you so much." He mumbled, his voice gravelly from sleep.

"Me, too," Sophie whispered, scratching her nails over his scalp. Adam nudged her breast with his nose before lifting his face to look at her. Sophie moved her hand to Adam's face, running her finger down his proud nose. He really was the most handsome man.

"Can we just try?" He blurted out. "I know you are scared. I am scared to, but kid, I want to try. I know it's not fair for me to ask this of you, and if you really say you can't, I will let it go..." Adam's voice trailed off as his lips trembled.

Sophie was surprised her brain didn't spiral at his words. She couldn't deny the fact that she had thought about trying to go through with it over the last few weeks. Sophie's eyes shifted to the freckles spattered across Adam's features.

Would their child have freckles like him? Would they come out rolly polly, all smiles, ears a little too big, and a mess of black hair? Adam dropped his face back to her sternum. Both of them laid in silence for a while before Sophie cleared her throat. Adam immediately was on alert.

"We will talk to the Doctor and see what they say... Then we make a decision." She whispered, swallowing down the knot that was forming. Adam nodded.

"Then we make a decision." He repeated before caressing a delicate kiss to her lips.

- - - - -

The Doctor shut the exam room's door softly, leaving Sophie and Sackler alone with their thoughts. The Doctor had explained that Sophie was officially two months along. Everything looked fine but informed of the complications with Sophie's medical history the Doctor had told them it would be a gamble but could be a viable pregnancy. Sophie sobbed.

Adam accompanied her in her weeping as the Doctor inquired if they wanted to hear the heartbeat. Despite the nagging pain in her chest, Sophie agreed. Sackler clasped her hand to his tear-soaked lips as the steady pulse sounded throughout the room.

Now, the two sat in silence, attempting to regain their composure. Sophie stared at the white tiles. She knew he was already wholeheartedly invested. She had watched him shake, snot dripping down his nose as the exam was done. Lifting her head, Adam was staring at her, his face flushed from his emotional outburst. His arms crossed protectively across his broad chest.

"Okay." She sputtered, her breathing intensifying as her mind accepted her decision. Adam jumped back, his hands immediately rubbing his jaw.

"Really?" His eyes grew as he kept his distance. Was he putting up an invisible wall? Sophie sucked on her bottom lip, nodding.

"Yeah, let's try." She whispered, her eyes stinging as the emotions resurfaced. Adam sprang towards her cupping her face in his hands.

"Kid, I love you. It's going to be okay." His speech raced. Afraid to welcome his enthusiasm, she forced a weak smile. Adam held her face to his, intently locking his gaze with hers. “Thank you for trying, that's enough for me. It’s more than enough.” Adam paused. "I am here no matter what happens. I am not going anywhere. I got you.” Sophie caressed her nose against Adam's.

"We got each other."

- - - - - - -

Lovelies: @daydreamsofren @cornmousequeen @sacklerscumrag @caillea @direnightshade @finn-ray-nal-beads @mylifeisactuallyamess @leatherboundbirate @theoncrayjoy @maybe-your-left @hopeamarsu @zimmermansbrat @historyandfandoms50 @sister-winter73 @relationshipwithmybed @themuseic @starskylo @millenialcatlady @tashastrange89 @theodorealastair @insufferablelust @iamasithprincess @tashastrange89 @butyoudidthis4what @xxcatrenxx @jynzandtonic @blowthatpieceofjunk @paper-n-ashes @roanniom

Thank you for reading!

If you enjoy my stories, let me know! My Inbox is open, and I welcome comments! Please reblog if you fancy sharing this piece.

#Sophie and Sackler #Adam Sackler x OC #Adam Sackler #ADCU Fanfic #adcu #marie sackler #CW: Mental Health #CW Pregnancy #CW Medical Eval #CW Arguments #CW Medication #Angst #Fluff #CW Injury/Blood #CW Infertility #I love and miss these two

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uswnt-owns-this-homo · 4 years

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Let a Bitch Hit You- Julie Ertz x Reader

AN: Here’s my attempt at a protective JJ, hope I did it justice!

TW: Homophobia, mentions of drugs/alcohol, cursing of course, homophobic slurs and language

You take a deep breath as the ref blows the starting whistle, the Courage kicking the ball back to their defense, signalling the start of the game. You try to follow the ball as much as possible, taking care to stay in position and wait for opportunities and passes to come your way. You can’t help but to think of the circumstances as your teammate, and long term girlfriend, Julie Johnson, gets the ball, and passes it quickly, opening up space and helping the Red Star’s attack.

The significance of the game is not lost on you, your first one against your prior team. Jaelene Hinkle, one of the most openly homophobic people in the league, had pushed you towards your transfer, though you and Julie were already discussing a request at a later time. After her and Ashlyn’s epic twitter battle, Jaelene had lashed out slightly, demanding that you, as the “resident queer on the team’’, get dressed for games and practices in a different area, so that she “could change without being leered at”.

The rest of the team, minus your national teammates, had just let her go along with it, not defending you or telling her she was wrong. This, along with direct statements to you about your sexuality, including, but not limited to: constantly telling you you’re going to hell and sinning, pelting balls at you during practice, and, during team bonding events, conveniently forgetting to invite you, leaving you disconnected with the rest of the team, had led to the situation at hand.

Your former teammates, bar the national team members, attack you mercilessly. They go for cheap moves, like holding your jersey during corner kicks, and performing late slide tackles, obviously targeting your notoriously weak ankles and knees. Throughout the game, Julie’s frown has become more prominent, her play more sharp, focused on getting the win over the people, or more accurately, the person, who contributed to her girlfriend's small fall down the rabbit hole.

Instead of discussing the transfer, and the events behind it, with a professional, you had turned to alcohol, and over the counter medications, drinking booze and then taking benadryl, or cough syrup, and sleeping for days. You had kept up your facade of your usual happy, energized, rival to Sonnett in memes personality, up until you had moved in with Julie in Chicago. She had quickly noticed your actions, taking count of the vodka and medicine bottles, and had pushed you to see a therapist, resulting in your sobriety of now 4 months.

Hinkle makes the mistake of going in for a late slide tackle, clipping your already sore ankle. You turn to her and she sneers, winking at you. You slowly get up, rolling your eyes as the ref allows play to continue.

Julie has been slightly more aggressive when facing Hinkle, and some people have noticed, mainly you, and of course the target herself, especially after a particularly hard run in was made for the ball.

“Hey, Johnson, how about you clean up your play? This is the third time you’ve shoved me, getting sloppy there, homo?”

The look on your girlfriend’s face says it all, and all you can do is run to put a hand on her shoulder, trying to keep her from retaliating.

“Aw, look, dyke is trying to stop big bad Julie from starting something she can’t finish. How’s the cough syrup binge going, Y/N? Still sober, or have you fucked that up as well?”

You just blankly stare at her, feeling old urges resurface, trying to stay in the present, as well as keep Julie from getting carded.

“You know, I think you transferred because you know I’m right, and you can’t face the fact that you sin everyday, and don’t like that your sickness is brought to light, isn’t that right, Y/N?”

Julie shakes you off, stomping forward and shoving Hinkle, causing you to follow, holding her back slightly, your team, and the opposition coming together in a large huddle, Alyssa grabbing Julie and holding her back..

“Alyssa, please. No, Y/N, she can’t talk to you like that! I mean, the league has done jack shit to her for harassing you, or for poor sportsmanship, or any of the other numerous things she’s done. Jesus, you tried to kill yourself! And what does she get? Absolutely nothing!”

Jaelene seems to falter for a moment, before her face turns in a sneer.

“Poor Y/N, can’t take any criticism, what’d you do, try to get away from it?”

Julie finally breaks out of your and Alyasa’s grip, lunging at Hinkle, landing a solid punch to her jaw. The ref comes running, putting her hands on both players. Julie is still attempting to reach Hinkle, and laughs at the red card she’s shown.

“Oh yeah, fucking let the one who’s caused severe emotional and mental harm to my girlfriend get off scott free!”

Coach calls her over and she rolls her eyes, giving you a quick kiss on the forehead, glaring at Hinkle when she fake gags.

You’ve had enough, officially snapped, gone off the metaphorical rails of tolerance of douchbaggery.

“You know, you can insult me, make me want to cease living, but you have no right to be disgusted. Any god I know would be appalled at how you’ve treated my community, and I know you don’t go to heaven just on the merit of being a homophobic christian. Ash was right, you have no place on the national team… You wouldn’t fit,”

You shove her backwards, taking your yellow card with a grin. Play resumes relatively quickly, and your whole team goes forward into the second half with a renewed passion, compensating for Julie’s red. You lose yourself in the game, giving it your absolute all, and laying yourself out on every possible play. You manage to score 3 goals, one which could have been defended by Hinkle.

The whistle blows and your team rushes you, picking you up, hugging you, and cheering. You all head back to the locker room and you spot Julie, staring at her phone, a blank stare on her face. You sit beside her, putting your arm around her shoulders and pulling her into a hug.

“Thank you, so much. For defending me, for fighting for me, even though I really missed my favorite ball feeder,”

Julie cracks a smile and shrugs.

You pull her in for a short kiss, trying to convey all of your love for her. You all walk out of the locker room, bags and bus buddies in tow. Julie holds your hand as you walk to the bus, rubbing a thumb over it as you stare blankly ahead of you, thinking back on your whole experience with Jaelene. Julie wraps her arms around you as you both get onto the bus, finding your usual seat beside Alyssa, who smiles worriedly at you. You take a deep breath and look at Julie.

“I just, I thought transferring would give me peace, but she’s still there, the thoughts, they’re still there. Just. Why is it such a big deal to her? I’m just living my life, trying to be happy, and she constantly made me feel, hell, sometimes still makes me feel, worthless, and I know therapy helped, but still, sometimes, like tonight’s game, brings it all back,”

Julie gets a look on her face, as does Uncle Naeher. They look at each other and nod slightly, brows furrowed.

“Come on Alyssa, Y/N, sit here, we’ll be back in a second,”

You curl up in the seat, listening to Julie talk to Alyssa’s seat mate, and one of your friends on the team, Sam Kerr.

“Look, me and Alyssa have to go do something, we’ll catch an Uber to our place afterwards, could you do me a huge solid, look after Y/N for me? Make sure she stays talking, doesn’t zone out too much?”

Sam nods and Julie sighs, turns to you, and kisses you on the forehead.

Okay, love, I’m gonna go, sort things out. I’ll be back in a bit, before you go to bed, okay?”

You numbly nod, heart racing.

She quickly turns to Sam, nods, and goes to get off the not yet started bus. Coach looks at her and Alyssa, and they talk for a few seconds before he waves them on, glancing back at you. Sam moves to sit beside you, and you curl up to her side, silently wishing it was Julie.

You’ve made it back to the hotel, eyes red from your crying on the way back. You carry your bag to your room, Sam walking you to it and giving you a hug as you walk inside. You put your things down, taking care to organize it so you don’t have to deal with it later. You turn the coffee maker on, set it to hot water, and start to run it, putting a tea bag in and leaving it to brew while you shower. You get your sweats and long sleeve t-shirt, taking out your toiletries and turning the water on cold, hoping the chill will help pull you out of your funk. You hop in and sit under the water, shivering slightly, but unwilling to turn it warmer.

You must sit there for an hour, slowly numbing even more from the cold water. You vaguely hear the room’s door open, Julie setting down her bag and putting her keys on the desk.

“Y/N? Babe?”

You want to turn your head, say something, go lay and curl up in your girlfriend’s arms, let her reassure you, but the motivation doesn’t come. So, you sit and numbly watch, shivering and lips turning blue, as Julie comes in the bathroom, looks to you, and immediately rushes into the shower, clothes on and forehead cut, eye black.

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve been here, stayed with you, I just. She did this to you, without really trying, I couldn’t just let that happen,”

You just shrug and hug her, trying to get warm, regretting your tactic for pulling yourself out of your mind.

“Okay, we need to get you warm. I saw your tea, you can have that, and then we can lay down and watch that documentary you heard about from Rose?”

You nod, watching her turn water to warm, and strip, leaving her soaked clothes on the bathroom floor. Julie slowly washes your hair, conditions it, and takes a cloth to your slowly warming body, every touch and prod gentle and full of love. She keeps you under the warm spray for a while, holding you and rocking slightly.

“Okay, now which one of my hoodies do you want? We have the Santa Clara U or the Red Stars one, and some sweats, and some fuzzy socks are in your near future,”

You smile.

“You wore the Red Stars one more recently, so that one,”

A small blush runs across her cheeks, her usual confident demeanour gone.

“I’ll see what I can do, charmer. Ready to get out, get bundled, and get cuddled?”

She goes about shutting off the water, looking down to nod at you, and then stands up, you still cradled to her chest. You have a moment of realization.

“If I ask nicely, will you avoid putting clothing on?”

She sputters and turns tomato red.

“I- what? No, clothes are going on so I can properly warm you up, no more sly passes! I’m trying to take care of you, short stuff,”

You glower, sigh, and wrap your arms around her neck, waiting for her to put you down.

“Okay, look, tonight may have gotten to me, just a bit, but even all wacked out, I know somethings wrong. What happened to your face, and where’s Uncle?”

She sighs and starts to towel you off.

“Fine, The Giant and I went to have a chat with Hinkle, and I had her record it. I simply started talking with Hinkle, trying to reason and help her to understand things a little better, and then she hit me, and I didn’t hit back, and then she hit me some more,so now we’re hoping that we can send this to the big people in charge and maybe she’ll get suspended or in trouble or something. Alyssa is back with Sammy trying to stay away from conflict for the rest of her life. She did tell me to tell you to come down tomorrow if you needed some tips for dealing with the whole situation. Honestly think it’s the most she’s spoken this season,”

You hug her and wrap the towel around her shoulders before smacking her gently in the leg.

“No more inciting violence in the hopes that you fuck with people who have ‘wronged me’ or whatever it is you said that one time, got it? Also, you need ice, but I will say I love a girl with a black eye,”

You walk off into the main part of the room, ruffling through Julie’s bag to find her sweatshirt, lifting it over your head with a triumphant croon.

“Aw yeah, the epic girlfriend hoodie, let’s go!”

Julie chuckles and walks out, coming up behind you and grabbing her SCU hoodie, pulling it on and winking.

“So that next time you want a sweatshirt, you can have a freshly me scented one,”

You roll your eyes and grab a pair of training shorts, pulling them on and grabbing your tea, laying back carefully on the bed.

“Okay, coral documentary, snuggles, and then sleep,”

Julie nods and gets in bed, pulling you close and grabbing the laptop beside the bed and opening up Netflix.

“Sounds like a pretty amazing night to me, shorty, let’s watch us some ocean stuff,”

Needless to say you’re crying by the end of the documentary. Julie jerks awake, her soft snoring abruptly ceasing.

“What? What happened, who hurt you, I’ll let em’ punch me, get their ass suuspeendedd,”

You chuckle, still crying slightly.

“Nobody, babe, just, he loves coral! And it’s disappearing, and he’s sad and all emotional and now I’m all emotional!”

You sniff a few times and shut the computer, quickly putting it on the bedside table.

“Please don’t let anyone hit you again, Juls, pretty please,”

She sleepily grunts and mumbles.

“Man, sometimes you just let a bitch hit you, ya’ know. Gotta get the w somehow, cause I sure didn’t get it during the game,”

You laugh and wrap her arms tighter around you, knowing it’s going to be a bit of a long road ahead, but certain that the whole situation will pan out, and that you have Julie by your side through all of it.

#julie johnston x reader #julie ertz x reader #julie ertz #uswnt imagine #julie ertz imagine

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wefoundloveunderthelight · 3 years

Photo

Wonderland by GleefullyCaptainSwan

Read on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

Or on FF

Tagging: @kmomof4 @lfh1226-linda @teamhook

Chapter 4: It’s a Mad World

“Are you feeling defensive today because of the way the group session went yesterday?”

Emma looked up defiantly at her therapist. “Do you always let them say whatever they want?”

“It’s important that everyone in group gets to speak their mind, that includes you.”

“August was doing more than speak his mind. He called me a goddamn spoiled rich kid with daddy issues.”

“Are you?”

“What the fuck?” Emma said angrily.

“Emma, your father is rich, you’ve been afforded things that most others have not.”

“So what? That gives him the right to talk about me that way?”

“I didn’t say that I just asked what your thoughts are on his statement.”

“I think he’s full of shit.”

“How is your relationship with your father?”

“Wow. Ok. Well, he traveled a lot.” She rolled her yes. She wasn’t exaggerating, she saw her father maybe once or twice a month when he wasn’t on some business trip that took him out of the country.

“Did you resent him for that?” The man was staring into her soul.

“Hard to resent someone you barely know.” She stared at her fingers, clicking her nails against each other.

“What about your mother?”

“She’s dad’s soldier. Does all his work for him back home while he’s out there making his mark on the world.”

“She’s a manager at the New York Hotel?”

“Yes, she runs all his North American hotels. She’s smart, runs a tight ship. Honestly, mom could have done anything she ever wanted.”

“Did she always want to work in management?”

“God no, she wanted to be a teacher. Mom loves kids.”

“Yet you’re an only child?”

“Yeah well, guess they got too busy to think about a brother or sister, or maybe I was just too much of a handful, you’d have to ask them.”

Emma knew her mother wanted desperately to have another child; she’d heard her parents argue about it a few times when she was younger. When she turned 15, her mother went through a period of depression. Emma had escaped the house on more than one occasion with Neal to avoid their fighting.

“David, we waited too long.”

“You don’t know that darling, the doctors said this could have happen for any number of reasons.”

“If you’d been home more, actually been here.”

“You’re blaming me for this?”

“Do we have to talk about my parents?” Emma stirred nervously in her chair.

“What would you like to talk about?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never done this before.”

“Let’s talk about Neal.”

“Why?”

“He’s your boyfriend?”

She bit her lip and shifted in her chair. “Ok yeah, sure. I met Neal when I was 12. We went to school together.”

“And your parents like him?”

“My parents love Neal. Sometimes I think they like him more than me.”

“I’m so disappointed in you Emma. How could you do this again?”

“Why do you care?”

“Don’t talk to your mother like that and answer the question.”

“I was just having fun with friends. It’s not that big a deal.”

“You’re drunk! You’re only 16. How is this not a big deal, Emma?”

“Seriously mom, stop acting so high and mighty.”

“You need to find better friends. I can’t believe you ditched Neal to go drinking. Really Emma, after the way he stood by you the last time you got in trouble!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”

“Emma Nolan, you are grounded for a month.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Neal does no wrong. He’s perfect. Heir to the Gold throne. Hell, I think my dad believes he walks on water.”

“Are you jealous of their affection toward him?”

“Jealous? No, I just find it hypocritical. They immediately believe that I’m the bad influence, no one stopped for one second to ask about Neal and what he was up to. Not once.”

“Should they have? Was there a reason for them not to trust Neal?”

“And once again, I’m bored with this subject.” She crossed her legs underneath her on the chair and buried her face in her hands.

“Come on Emma, just try it one time. If you don’t like it, you never have to do it again.”

“I don’t know, Neal. Is it dangerous?”

“Of course not, why do you think so many people are doing it? It will make you feel good, don’t you want to feel good?”

“Ok Emma let’s talk about what happened after you got arrested. How long were you in jail?”

“I spent 11 glorious months behind bars at Lakeview Shock Correctional. Not like it was hard time or anything, daddy paid a pretty penny to hide me in a minimum-security housing facility.”

“So, it wasn’t a juvenile center?”

“Nope, that really pissed him off, I got busted a week after my 18th birthday.”

“Did you have a difficult time while you were there?”

“Emma you can do it. One more push.”

“Oh God.”

“That’s it, the head is out.”

“It’s a boy. Do you want to hold him?”

“No.”

“Nope, pretty ordinary. Bad food, lots of alone time. Nothing to write home about.” She stared out the window, willing her subconscious to float above her, to drown out the memories and keep the tears at bay.

Her father had paid a lot of money to keep her out of prison, but mostly to keep the story hidden. The minute the baby was ushered out of the room, she was returned to her cell and no one ever spoke of it again. Her father refused to talk about it when she returned home, and her mother continued to pretend like nothing had ever happened.

“Ok Emma, I think that’s enough for today.” He was looking at her with apprehension.

“Awesome.” She pushed out of the chair and sprang free from the room, all the air draining from her lungs. She started to tug at the hem of her t-shirt, feeling like she was trapped in her clothes. She looked around the courtyard, she felt like everything around her was blurring before her eyes.

No! She couldn’t have an anxiety attack out here in the open.

Before she realized what was happening, she was running. She didn’t turn around or stop until she reached the sands of the beach. Bending over and heaving out breathes as she tried to stop her heart from racing. She turned toward the pier and ducked under the boards, climbing the sandy hill hidden from the sun and falling into the sand, her sobs coming out in panicked spurts.

“We really need to stop meeting like this, love.”

No. No. No. No. Not now.

“Go away.” She shouted, sucking in her breath.

“Are you alright, Swan?”

She sat up, tossing sand in his direction. “I’m fucking fine, now go away.” She watched him standing at the bottom of the hill, she could tell he was debating his next move and unless it was leaving, she was going to beat his ass.

Of course, he wouldn’t just leave, she watched him climb the sandy hill toward her.

“You don’t appear to be fine, lass.”

“Why are you so damned irritating?” She screamed, the tears starting to fall down her cheeks again. She blew out a breath and sucked in the air again.

“Swan, you need to breathe. You’re going to hyperventilate.” She rocked back and forth, her arms hugging her chest. She felt warmth against her back, a hand brushing circles against the fabric of her shirt. “It’s better to let it out.” His breath was warm against her ear as he pulled her into the side of his body.

Her hand clinched in his shirt, balling her fist against his chest. “I told you to leave!” She sobbed into his body.

“It’s bad form to leave a damsel in distress.”

She pulled back from him, his face staring at her with a concern that only fueled her annoyance. She felt anger rising in her chest when their eyes met. “The only one who saves me, is me.” She spat.

“Don’t take offense, I’m only trying to help.”

“You are so goddamn frustrating.” He smirked, which only made things worse. She needed to run away from the heat of the man seated beside her, away from his eyes staring into her soul, his arrogant smile still stuck to his face. The fact that he actually seemed worried about her was making the hairs on her arm stand on end. She shoved away from him, “Let go of me.” She stood up and he grabbed her hand.

“Emma…”

She yanked her hand back as if she had been shocked. “Stop touching me, asshole.”

“You really are a pain in the ass.” He stood up, his face inches from hers.

“I’m a pain in the ass? You’re the one who keeps following me around.”

“I was here first, love.”

Emma balled her hands in his shirt before she could stop herself, yanking his lips down to meet hers in a fury of heat and wanton desire. He didn’t hesitate to respond in kind, his fingers tangling tightly in her blonde locks as his tongue pressed against her lips. She opened her mouth with a groan, clinging to him in desperation as their tongues intertwined. When she came up for air, his forehead pressed against hers.

A sudden realization of what she had done began to dawn on her. She frantically pulled away from him.

“That was…” He started to speak, and she panicked.

“A one-time thing. A distraction. That’s all.” She backed away from him, turning quickly to leave and not looking back.

“Emma.”

“Don’t follow me.” She spat.

“As you wish.” She heard him say softly behind her.

She grumbled to herself all the way back to her room, when she entered, Ruby was putting on yoga pants and a sports bra.

“Emma, you’re just in time.” She looked up at her. “Oh my, are you alright? You look pale.”

“Gee thanks, but yes I’m fine, rough day in therapy.” She tore her t-shirt off her body. “What am I just in time for?”

“Spin class!”

“Um, yeah pass.”

“No way, you’re coming with me. It’s the best way to de-stress after therapy. Trust me, Zelena is amazing.”

She considered her options, either sit in her room, and relive the last fifteen minutes over and over in her head, thus driving herself insane, or sweat the kiss out of her system.

“Ok fine, spin it is.”

What Ruby failed to mention was that when she said that Zelena was amazing, what she meant was an insane crazy person.

“Come on you animals, push it harder! Sweat your way to recovery.”

“Oh my God what is with this woman, I can’t push any harder.” Emma panted.

“I heard that.” Zelena yelled in her direction, “When you think you can’t go any faster, find it in yourself to pick up the pace.”

Emma groaned and wiped the sweat off her forehead with her hand.

“Don’t just walk in my room late and expect not to get on one of these bikes.”

Emma peered over her shoulder and grunted when she saw August and Killian enter the room.

Can she do anything without that asshole following her?

She expected him to jump on the bike behind her and make some sort of inappropriate comment about her ass but instead he took the bike next to Ruby.

“I love seeing a woman work up a sweat.” He smiled at Ruby who giggled loudly.

“No laughing in my class, if you’re having fun, you aren’t working hard enough.” Zelena yelled.

She peered in his direction and their eyes met for half a second before he turned his attention back to Ruby. She rolled her eyes and focused her energy on moving her feet.

“Let’s go kids, five more minutes.” The red head screamed.

“I can go for more than five minutes, lass.” She heard Killian murmur toward Ruby.

“Oh, I bet you can.” Ruby returned the flirtatious discussion.

“If only I knew someone who could make that happen around here.”

“Maybe you do.”

Emma was getting winded, letting out a guttural groan, she took her feet off the pedals, the wheels spinning on their own until they came to a stop. She jumped off the bike and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her neck and swigging from her water bottle before walking out of the gym, ignoring the red headed instructor who was yelling at her to get back on her bike.

She turned the corner to the dorms and ran into something solid.

“Apologizes! I hope I didn’t hurt you, beautiful.”

She looked up and smiled at Jefferson. “Sorry, that was my fault, I should have been paying attention.”

“No harm, no foul, Miss Emma.” He stared down at her. “Are you quite all right? You seem sad.”

“It’s been a long day.”

“Trust me, I know, I’ve had six months of them here.”

She laughed. “How have you survived?”

“Wanna know my secret?”

“Oh yes.”

“Come this way.” He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down a series of corridors until she no longer recognized where they were. He turned around and put his forefinger over his lips and she put her hand over her mouth. He pushed through the double doors, bending over, and creeping along the wall. He peeked up into one of the windows and then pulled her past it into a dark room.

When they were both standing in the dark, he let go of her hand and moved away from her to the other side of the room. She heard a clicking sound, a soft light illuminated his face before the light was extinguished.

He was by her side again, and she felt his lips against her ear. “Follow me.”

She turned and followed him back the way they came until they were standing outside the doors they entered, and he was dragging her through another set of doors into a part of the courtyard she had never seen before.

“What did we just do?” She exclaimed as he plopped down onto the grass lawn and patted beside him for her to sit. When she did, he passed her a small edible item. “Ding dongs? Did we just do all that to steal ding dongs?”

He popped one into his mouth, lying back on the grass. “There’s nothing better after a stressful day. And they don’t give them out to the patients, but I found out that one of the cooks absolutely loves them and hides them in the storage behind the kitchen.”

Emma fell back onto the grass next to him, leaning her head onto his crossed arm. She took a bite of the treat and moaned. “Oh my God, that is good.”

“I told you.” He smirked. “You forget the simple things when you are out there, dealing with the world.”

She sighed. “Why are you still here after six months?” She asked seriously.

“It’s hard enough to live in a land where you don’t belong but knowing it…holding conflicting realities in your head…will drive you mad.”

“And you think you belong in here?”

“Oh no, I hate Wonderland.” He exclaimed. “But unfortunately, I have an affliction. Do you know what it’s like to be at odds with yourself? It’s like having two lives yet they live inside one mind. Double the pain, double the suffering.”

Emma frowned. “Don’t you want to get better?”

“I supposed I do. And yet here I am.” He grinned at her.

“You’re very odd.”

“Thank you.” He laughed, sitting up on his elbow and leaning closer to her. “I could tell the first day in group that you were special. Don’t let August scare you off.”

“Oh, I’m uh, I can handle him.”

“I believe that.”

He leaned over, lightly brushing his lips against hers and then pulling back to look at her. “I apologize, I’ve been arguing with myself for the last ten minutes about doing that.”

She didn’t know what to think of the kiss, Jefferson was sweet and kind, with a strange air about him, and the kiss was so very different than what she had experience earlier kissing Killian. The kiss from Jefferson was almost comforting compared to the desperate need she experienced earlier under the pier.

Both of their watches began beeping and she sat up quickly.

“Oh my, have we been out here that long? I uh, guess we should get back to our rooms or we’ll miss lights out.”

“Time flies when you are having fun. I’ll show you the way back.” He stood up, reaching his hand out for her. He pulled her to her feet and tugged her forward, keeping his hand in hers. Once they reached the building, he dropped her hand, guiding her through the hallways until she started to recognize her surroundings. He stopped at the fork in the hall.

“This is where we part, beautiful.”

“Thank you for sharing your secret with me tonight.” She whispered.

“I only hope it helped. Goodnight.” He winked before turning away from her and skipping toward his room.

Emma grinned and walked the rest of the way to her room. Ruby was lying on her bed. “There you are.”

“Oh hey.”

“You just took off tonight. What happened?”

“Just overheated, needed to get some air.”

“Ah Zelena’s classes can be like that. She’s pretty serious about cardio.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You sure you’re ok? This wasn’t about Killian was it?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“I don’t know, you just seemed upset when we were flirting today. Are you interested in him? Because I can totally back off if you two have something going on?”

Emma bit her lip. She was most definitely not interested in that asshole. Not at all. Not even a little.

Liar.

“Nope, he’s all yours. I’m not into assholes.”

“Suit yourself, but honestly, can you imagine what he can do with that mouth of his?”

Emma flushed, remembering the feel of his mouth burning on her lips. “Never really thought about it honestly, he’s not my type.”

“Which part? The accent, the arms, his abs, or the bulge in his pants, cause I could keep going if I haven’t proven my point yet.”

“I didn’t say he wasn’t hot. He’s just…” She got into her bed and turned off the lights to mask the redness growing in her cheeks. “I can assure you his ego is probably bigger than his dick.”

“Well, one of us needs to find out, and if you’re not interested, then I volunteer as tribute.” She joked.

Emma rolled her eyes and turned over on her side, squeezing her eyes shut and praying for sleep. “You’re such a nerd, Ruby. But seriously good luck with that.” She grumbled before she fell asleep, blue pools of light haunting her dreams.

Notes:

I have updated the Chapter length to 21 chapters, I'm excited to say I have written all the words for Wonderland and I'm just going through and editing it now. :) Hope you are all enjoying the fic. Thanks again for reading!

#wonderland #stacy's fics #my fics #captainswan #captain swan #captain swan au #captain swan fics #captain swan modern au #emma x killian #killian jones #emma x hook #emma swan

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sp00kybitme · 3 years

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Okay so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share it in order to better my health because being upfront about your trauma is a good way to heal from it. So buckle up because this post is gonna be a real doozy:

So let's start by backing up about 4 years ago in the summer of 2017, I was 17 since my birthday follows the year number and I was going through my own personal turmoil, dealing with my already medically diagnosed PTSD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, and severe depression. I had falling outs with most all of my irl friends due to my declining mental health but the decline started around august as my therapist who worked the best for me was leaving the clinic. She was openly queer and I related a lot to her since I felt like for once I wasn't alone yet after she left I was distraught. Also at the time I had a falling out with my father and my brother was a recovering drug addict so you could say shit was really complicated around that time and my head space was not well.

So back in 2016 I was able to get a PS4 and I hadn't used it until 2017 due to being more focused on my mental health but I caved and began playing Overwatch and there I met some folks who made life seem somewhat normal for once, no high end conflict, no drama, just simple fun with friends is all I wanted and for a while I actually had that! That was until the coming month september.

So September was when I started breaking off from big friend groups and settled with 2 people, let's call them Z and J for context, So Z was someone who I would say had undiagnosed mental health issues and J was someone who was mutual friends with Z because they went to high school together. Z and J were some of my only friends and we as people really bonded over stuff and I felt like life was actually turning up after losing so much shit that year.

So just for preface/context: at this time I identified with she/her pronouns and went by the term pansexual/demiromantic but now after much time I identify with they/them pronouns and am at least asexual, as for romantic I'm still figuring that out. So November rolled around and I noticed conflict immediately, Z and J were subtly arguing and J was using a victim complex mentality to guilt Z into caving yet at the time I was an oblivious 17 year old who was just desperate was friendship to the point of trying to always be a mediator.

Z was always talking about how lonely they were and how every relationship they had never worked out and at the time I was not out about not being cisgender and so they perceived me as a girl. Throughout September to november they would CONSTANTLY ask me out to the point of it being a desperation and a guilt trip and at this point I was afraid. I had lost EVERYONE in my life here and it was so frustrating but for a month I would keep my boundaries up and say no because I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship and I didnt feel taht way about Z but they continued to push me and eventually I gave in and I remember the exact place it happened.

So we all 3 had a daily routine of getting on and playing Overwatch for hours just to talk shit and goof around so that day we were skirmishing on the "Temple of anubis" map and I said yes and in retrospect it was a horrible time to do that because it was in front of J and in turn made them feel loke a 3rd wheel. I wanna say that me conceding into a relationship while having no attractiom or interest was wrong of me and that I apologize for but again I WAS pressured as a minor. Also I forgot to say that Z was 19 and while that kind of age gap isn't inherently the worst, I was still an emotionally vulnerable minor being coaxed into a relationship.

So things went on relatively the same except for the fact that J was beginning to sound more spiteful and ended up getting upset easier and volatile which I blamed myself for but we'll get more into J very soon. So Z and I were noticing the change in behavior but tried not to bother J with it because they always didn't wanna talk about it. J confided in us at one point by telling us about their living situation being troublesome, they claimed they had no privacy, were verbally abused by their mother, and had relatives who were also abusive. We both had empathy for J and I was strongly affected by that since I had a strong disconnect from my father at the time who was abusive in a religious way.

We tried to keep things relatively normal at this point for the sake of J but Z was always trying to be bluntly romantic with me and I wasn't interested although they did ask me for "thigh pics" (lemme preface by saying I was still a minor at this point) but I was coaxed into that and virtual s*x which I was extremely uncomfortable with but Z had a strong tendency to victimize and guilt trip and I just wanted friends and had PTSD from friends levaing me and calling me selfish. It's not something I'm proud of but I genuinely was THAT scared of losing friends. In instances where J would get spiteful and resent Z, J at one point left our group chat and group and didnt reply to us because they attempted s*icide. We were HORRIFIED to find that out and really tried to keep a close eye on J into the new year.

2018 rolls in and now is the year that I consider my worst, I will TW// onward for talks of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, talks of s*xual assault, s*icide, homophobia, and gaslighting. So after J's s*icide attempt I felt even WORSE in a relationship that itself was already one sided but I powered through as to not upset Z. The friendship dynamic we had at this point was gone as it only seemed to be arguing and fake excitement. One thing we all did in the game was idolize specific characters and obsess over them for mental comfort to the point that we got emotionally distraught over their deaths in game, genuinely very unhealthy for all of us. One thing J would do at times was purposefully pick me and Z's characters in game in commit s*icide in game with them just to upset us and would sometimes mentally torture Z by forcing them to be the character Z hated which only screwed up Z's Mental health. J would also alwsys victimize and act like they weren't being treated fairly and that all culminated in January.

January 2018, J began putting the thought of a polyamorus relationship on the table as in J, Z, and I would all be in a relationship together which I wasn't too keen on but was open to if it made everyone happy. Z wasnt interested at all and for the span of 2 weeks of January, J kept trying to manipulate and coax Z into a relationship and had me try to convince Z as well which I didn't know was wrong but granted I didn't understand Poly relationships until years later. Z eventually half caved and gave it a try but a day later Z backed out because they felt uncomfortable. I was a bit irritated at that time and so was J but I didn't personally know why because I was very oblivious to love and how it was supposed to be. We also would play 1v1 type games for fun until this time because both of them were seriously bothered by losing in 1v1 games and would gloat when they won. I personally didn't care as much and would joke around for the most part just to have fun. After this month we stopped playing 1v1 type games.

Early February came and we all began hanging out in skirmish (which means like a map where you just freeroam for 30 minutes until it refreshes), sometimes we would do ship dynamics with each other for fun and at the time we were joking around. Me and J joked around about two male characters (Junkrat and Roadhog) being together and if you have seen the two characters then you'll know why. Their dynamic as friends is flawed but a popular one yet nonetheless I liked their dynamic as a relationship at the time. Around this time, Z was beginning to do what I would call "selective homophobia" as in they would like some gay ships and despise others. When Z was presented with a WLW (lesbian) ship, they would be 100% supportive yet when a specific MLM (gay) ship was presented, they would make gagging noises as if they were trying to throw up. I should also mention how often Z would send Overwatch porn to group chats and how it made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as a minor.

J would ultimately hold the blatant homophobia against Z and tried to turn me again Z for it. During this time, J was messaging me privately to try and convince me that Z was a bad person and that I should break up with them. Ultimately I agreed and broke up with Z over this and me and J distanced myself from Z to just hang out together. I was personally distraught in just finding out that a friend I was close to ended up being Homophobic all this time and emotionally it broke me a lot. At the time, J was there to help me emotionally and that initially helped me build trust with them. Eventually in mid February they asked me out and since they had helped me so much mentally, I felt out of a sense of obligation that being with them was something I almost owed them.

Side note: I wanna bring up this point as just a weird coincidence: February itself has always been one of the worst months for me every year, something horrendous has happened to me each February of each year and its weird because of how often I can recall this still being the case.

So After being around J for so long we started to just joke around and have fun as friends. They actually showed me their face for the first time over a video call which actually surprised me because they looked different then I thought they were but nonetheless I enjoyed their company because I felt like I had a friend. March rolled around and my birthday was coming up, my 18th birthday which was more of a big deal to J than me. They wanted to see me in provocative pictures and were constantly talking about how excited they were for it and I didn't understand why really. They were also 19 btw and they seemed way too excited for something as simple as that kind of picture. The day rolled around and I felt uncomfortable, I was told to send pictures and I did which admittedly made me uncomfortable as hell yet I still did and I was given positive affirmation for it. Little fact about me is that one thing I didn't get much growing up was positive affirmation so getting that made me feel like I was actually doing something right for once.

Over the next few months, J went from supportive and well intent to showing their true colors. As time went on they began to get more and more controlling with the things that I did as an individual. It went from supoorting the fact that I struggled with PTSD to using it as a reason that I shouldn't be making other friends besides them. From being supportive of my open mindedness with sexuality to coaxing me into spewing hateful rhetoric. Their family was actually really supportive of me at first, the thibg they had said about their mom turned out to be a lie used to play on my sympathy because their mom adored me as a person and constantly would ask if me and my mom needed anything. They sent us two big care packages through the mail with food and money for food and I originally was against that not just because I'm genuinely horrible at taking gifts but because they had my physical address and knew where I lived in case they wanted to "visit". The care packages meant a lot to me and my mom because we've been low income since I was little and having the luxury to live in a house or not have to worry about food consumption was something I never had.

During late spring, J began to be a lot more forceful with me by manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking many toxic things. I was afraid at this point of both J and being alone again. They would tell me that I should start acting more feminine and "like a girl" and that was REALLY triggering to me since over a big part of my life, I was questioning my gender identity and being forced into this feminine box made me hate myself. They would tell me to wear "panties", talk higher pitched, and even tell me to be a submissive partner who just lets them lead and me follow. I'm naturally a more dominant person in general so it was like I was disregarding a huge part of my identity. I was almost silenced into this role that J wanted me to be. They would force me to do lewd things online and while you could say that I shouldn't have been worried since it wasn't irl, they knew my address and last name.

One instance I remember was that J asked about my deadname and I told them and then questioned why I would change that name since it "was more feminine and fit me". It was upsetting to hear that but at least they didn't deadname me after finding out. They also kept telling me that I wasnt allowed to be attracted to anyone but them. I wasn't allowed to protest because they would threaten killing themselves and actually send a picture of them with a knife to their throat as if to threaten me.

A detail I left out intentionally was something that disturbed me the most about them and really makes me think they have a serious form of some kind of dissociative mental disorder. (Context: I'm not stigmatizing folks who have Dissociative disorders, my mother has one and the symptoms J exhibited make me think of someone who experiences detachment or disillusionment. Im not going to diagnose them but my instinct makes me believe that it could be something similar yet they have never been medically diagnosed.) J would constantly talk about a friend they had in elementary school who had taken their own life and how the spirit of this friend still keeps near them since they were close back then. This friend almost seemed to become a way to manipulate me later on in 2018.

This friend of theirs almost seemed to be a way to seperate themselves from how they treated me or avoid blame. This friend would threaten me that if I didn't let J r*pe me that they were gonna commit s*icide and that it would be my fault for not doing what they wanted. They also would threaten me to do what J said or else they would "possess" me. I'm someone who has had bad experiences with spirits so I didn't want to have more hell. J themselves would sometimes get extremely angry when I stood up for myself or expressed stuff I was really interested in and would threaten to track me down, assault me, and kill my mom. They also began pitting me against my mom because I would talk about how my mom was getting worried about me being hurt but J said that my mom was faking it and manipulating me and I almost believed J but I know my mom and I know she cares too much about me to do something like that.

Around September, I was practically an emotionless shell. I wasn't excited about anything, I wasn't angry anymore, I was barely feeling much of anything but a deep seeded sadness. I lacked in a lot of places and repressed any emotion I had so deep that I couldn't react to anything anymore. I think J began to notice because they started to actually act concerned after a while but that was flickering like a light switch. One of the last instances that I broke down was august of 2018 when I began crying heavily over microphone and begging them to not hate me. They had no reaction, no remorse , no empathy and when their mom came in they just left me there crying without affirming me at all.

During this time, I was sending hundreds of nude photos a day to appease them and they would get off and go to sleep and during the night I would secretly cry and look at queer based things in private to try and keep some semblance of my identity in tact. I actually started watching Sanders sides around July 2018 and enjoyed the series and how nice the fanbase seemed and it somehow helped me get through this rough period of time.

October was probably some of the worst time because I ended up missing my favorite holiday, Halloween which was the only time I personally enjoyed being myself because the element of the holiday made me happy. That halloween I spent on overwatch with J, overall miserable and hating myself. I also forgot to mention that J would dictate what I wore, they would hate that I wore boxer briefs and men's cologne and deodorant, they constantly questioned why I was trying to be masculine when I was AFAB but again I was also closeted with my gender identity and this shoved me even more into the closet when they would argue with me about it.

November rolled around and I had practically been at my breaking point, J was trying to convince me for weeks to move down south to live with them and their family and I was practically being forced. I have a fear of flying and I kept saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my disabled mom by herself and my mom also hates flying. J was trying to get things their way and forced me too and I was looking into flights even though I was deadset on not going. November 11th 2018, I wasn't replying to J's texts right away because I was actually standing up for myself. They began HEAVILY threatening to end their life and I remember sitting there and crying without emotion then I hung up on them and told them to stop calling and texting me as they had begun to text and call me incessantly. I said I needed a break and finally let out a breath when they said ok.

Around late November, I felt as though I had misjudged Z and unblocked and messaged them, apologizing for being a dick to them. They initially forgave me and I was just going to move on but they asked if we could play in a public chill server and I accepted just to try and get my mind off of J. As we entered into the game, J suddenly started spectating and Z left instantly out of fear. I only talked to Z just to apologize and give context as to what happened, I was desensitized and just needed a friend. J messaged me apologizing frantically and saying "if you've moved on to date Z, just tell me so I can move on" and I said "no, I just needed a friend right now and I need my space. Don't talk to me for a while, respect that one thing." And thankfully, I was actually left alone.

December rolled around once again and at this point I had finally blocked J and moved on from everything, J's mom had messaged me on Facebook and told me that I was a "filthy cheater who just used J for their kindess and didn't care about them" but I did actually genuinely care deeply about J yet he abused my compassion by gaslighting me and putting me into this false sense of security. Before I could reply, she blocked me so she never actually took the time to ask me. I was feeling guilty for leaving J but I was reassured by Z during that time period and Z had apologised for previous comments as well. Z ended up introducing another friend to the group, we'll call them A. We would first play Overwatch but immediately switch to Minecraft which I had bought when still with J to play with their family. Around this time I had begun to cling to Z uninitentionally due to recovering from my trauma and needing that affirmation that I wasn't some terrible abuser, as J had manipulated me to think I was. Z was getting a bit bothered by this yet they had never publicly told me nor did they understand why I clung to them in the first place. Z knew I had PTSD and I had told them exactly what I had just described earlier about what J had done to me and Z was initially very empathetic though I was never told that my clinginess was bothering them because I was in recovery mode. Eventually towards the end of January, I was told by A that they knew why I was so clingy with Z. At first I was confused because they both had known that I had PTSD but A proceed. "The only reason you're so clingy with Z is because you're secretly still in love with them, I can read you like an open book and you would do best to stop denying your obvious feelings for them" Hearing this made me personally disgusted, appalled, and upset mentally. Z kept to the side during this discussion and didn't go against A however they didn't deny A's words.

I retorted by speaking about my trauma and how it made me cling to people unnecessarily but then A proceeded to invalidate my trauma by implying that I was over exaggerating what I had gone through. I felt awful and I forcefully distanced myself from them both only to go back once again out of fear of being alone. This continued for a while until July 10th, 2019 when I finally distanced myself from Z for good. I made my own account on Instagram and over the span of 2 years, I built up a community of people who liked my work and I got my sense of individualism back give or take. I recently changed accounts because this era in my life is brand new and I couldn't be happier with where I'm at.

This post is more so a form of being vulnerable and a bit of exposure therapy. Sure im not a perfect person, I can't even publicly out my abusers but I think it would do more harm than good. If anyone wants to have a warning for their accounts, at least on YouTube, message me on my Insta in my bio. I'm sorry if this was long and possibly upsetting but I wanted to just get this out. I dont know who would be seeing this but if you read this far: thank you, honestly its upsetting to have to go through so much bullshit and I hate talking about it because it's difficult to really put shit out there without feeling like its some tupe of attention thing. I don't want to post this for sympathy, I want to post this for me, just to feel better about where I'm at and also face my trauma head on to heal from it. I'm not saying this to compare who's life is worse or not but I am posting this to better myself.

Thank you again,

Spooky

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heroineimages · 3 years

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Tagged by @theoutcastrogue. (Her post)

Rules: It’s time to love yourself. Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you’ve brought into the world. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Thanks so much, sweet rogue, for tagging me! Firstly, this is exactly the kind of thing my therapist tells me I need to do for myself more often. Secondly, I tend to fixate on reading back over my past writing, so this gives me an excuse to do just that. Under the cut because there’ll be several writing excerpts and it might run long. Tagging @chenria, @9musesandanoldmind, @queer-trans-amazon, @jeanjauthor, and anyone else who wants in!

1. I did a lot of tinkering on Hero Forge after they released the colors and new engine. Firstly, I found it therapeutic and helpful for my anxiety. Secondly, I have a tendency to create stories for the new OCs I come up with. In particular, I like coming up with themed versions of the twelve base D&D classes. My favorite so far is the Desert Elf minis and their story.

2. My second favorite Hero Forge buildup was the Muskets and Snow designs, pitting Frost Elf tribes against musket-armed, multiracial commonwealth soldiers, once again based around the D&D classes. (Check my Hero Forge tag for more mini designs!)

3. I added four chapters to my Legend of Korra gladiator AU last year, and commissioned a movie poster for it from my amazing artist friend, Telenia Albuquerque. I added a few fighting scenes and several explicit lesbian bedroom scenes that I’m kind of proud of, including a fun, racy striptease. In the following scene, Asami breaks up a meeting between Varrick and none other than Marc Antony after Varrick attempts to abduct her and poison her bodyguards, including Korra:

“You said our host tried to abduct you?” [Antony] continued, turning to Asami.

“Of course not!” Varrick interrupted, stepping between Asami and Antony. “We’re pals, right, Antony? You know I’d never abduct anybody!”

“Mm, I seem to recall you abducting Titus Atticus’s wife, as well as the late Clodius Pulcher’s favorite catamite,” Antony replied.

“Allegedly!” Varrick protested, turning away and crossing his arms. “I allegedly abducted Atticus’s wife and Pulcher’s catamite!”

“Everything you do is ‘allegedly,’” Asami glared.

“So you’ve had dealings with this bastard before,” Antony laughed. “Please, come in,” he invited, gesturing to Varrick’s office. “No doubt we can handle this like civilized people, miss…?”

“Asami Sato,” Asami answered, allowing Antony to take and kiss her hand.

“Ah! Master Hiroshi’s daughter,” he identified her. “I’ve heard about you, and I’m delighted to make your acquaintance.”

“I’m sure,” Asami agreed with a hint of smooth annoyance.

“Great, thanks a lot, Zhu Li,” Varrick grumbled as the six of them trooped into his office. “What the heck happened, anyway?”

“It would seem you underestimated Mistress Sato, sir,” Zhu Li informed him, [still tossed over the gladiatrix’s shoulder]. The armored pauldron pressed into her gut was really uncomfortable. “She already had her guards inoculated against our poison.”

“What? How could you possibly know that?” Varrick demanded, turning to Asami.

“I’m more intelligent than you thought, and you’re less clever than you’d like to believe,” Asami answered, taking one of the three chairs in the room. “And, frankly, that old Persian trick of poisoning the dancing girls’ lips isn’t as cunning as you thought. It was all a matter of knowing what poisons you have access to and researching which ones work on contact and can have resistances built up for them.”

“Smart,” Antony agreed, taking the second chair while Acainissa stuffed Varrick in the chair behind his desk. Hebasken and Acainissa took up positions on either side of Varrick’s chair, looming over him.

“Varrick, this other door leads to your bedchambers, doesn’t it?” Asami asked, pointing to the curtained doorway.

“Yeah, why?” Varrick frowned. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Korra, are you up for a bit of… revenge-sex?” Asami asked.

“I’m always up for revenge and sex,” Korra assured her.

“Take Zhu Li into Varrick’s chambers and fuck her stupid, please.” Asami instructed. “She’s a very intelligent woman, so I suspect that will take a lot of fucking to accomplish.”

Korra laughed and turned to pack Zhu Li through the door.

4. I’ve also made some progress on an older story I started a long time ago about my OC Elindra, a Drow paladin of the Red Knight who gets turned to a Drider by fanatics of Lolth. The following scene comes during the big escape from Ched Nasad between her and her dwarf cleric friend, Nell:

I used the glaive to parry the [Drider] warrior’s first assault. The snarly bastard was skilled, blocking and parrying my every attack, despite my Haste spell. And even if I did land a hit, my odds of breaking his Stoneskin were frustratingly small. I gave way instead, using my quickened speed to my advantage. An arrow flashed past us, announcing the return of the annoying ranger from earlier. I grimaced from frustration as another arrow shattered against my Mithral spaulder.

This was taking too damned long. No doubt the alarm had been raised and more guards and spell-casters were on their way.

Dueling with the warrior, I deliberately backed myself toward another aperture in the webs. I parried the warrior’s mace, managing to rap him across the face with the butt of my glaive. As he lunged again, I dropped my glaive and caught his arm. From there I leapt backward, pulling him though the gap with me. He caught the edge of the webs with two clawed legs, flipping us through upside-down. Still clutching his arm, my weight yanked him through the gap behind me.

A slightly larger Drider, I flipped myself onto his back, riding him downward as we plummeted. Gripping him by the hair, I screamed, “Smite Evil!” as we hit, slamming his head into the hardened webbing below.

The impact threw me from the warrior’s back, and I skidded onto my side perhaps twelve feet away. The warrior’s head was obliterated—a black, bloody smear across the calcified web floor.

“You alright?” I asked Nell as I picked myself up.

“Ye’re focking crazy, ye know that, Elindra?” Nell grumbled behind me, [still harnessed to my back]. “Ooh, that’s a pretty mess!” she laughed when I turned to look for a way back up. “Aye, let’s see ye Stoneskin protect ye from that shite, motherfocker!” she taunted the dead Drider.

5. And, lastly I’m happy with a lot of the progress I’ve made on my novel, First Empress. The following excerpt is a cute, racy little flashback scene of Elissa and Queen Viarra’s first time having sex:

“O–oh, gods!” Elissa groaned, catching her breath as she came down from her third climax.

Princess Viarra gripped the blanket on either side of Elissa’s shoulders, grunting as she thrust against Elissa’s leg to ride out her own climax. Broad, muscular arms trembling, her thrusts continued to get slower and more deliberate as she finished herself off. Her highness’s entire body shook one last time, and she gave a panting laugh before collapsing halfway atop Elissa.

They lay laughing and gasping for breath for long moments, their legs tangled together, their right breasts squashed against the other’s sternum. Princess Viarra’s arms splayed off to the sides while Elissa’s trembling arms clutched her love’s shoulders. Their shoulders were about even, but Viarra’s cunny now rested against Elissa’s knee. Their clothes lay discarded to one side with the wine they’d stolen from King Vaso and the erotic poetry they’d stolen from Prince Kallis. Above them, the peach trees of King Vaso’s orchard swayed in the afternoon breeze.

“I’m not squishing you, am I?” Viarra asked, her face still half-pressed against the tangle of brown and copper hair next to Elissa’s right ear.

“No,” Elissa laughed, wishing she had the energy to clutch her beloved princess tighter. “I feel safe beneath you,” she promised. “You make me feel safe and happy.”

“And you make me happy,” her highness assured her, turning her head to kiss and nibble at Elissa’s cheek. Elissa squealed and used one hand to try to push her away.

Unrelenting, Princess Viarra made a nasal, growling sound and pretended to gnaw on Elissa’s neck. “Grar! I just want to eat you up, you’re so sweet!” her highness declared, making exaggerated chewing noises against Elissa’s neck and shoulder.

Gods, her highness had gotten so strong the last few years, Elissa acknowledged as she squealed and giggled, unsuccessfully attempting to fight back. Viarra’s arms were probably bigger around than Elissa’s legs, and her shoulders were almost half-again as broad as Elissa’s. And she was tall. Possibly as tall as her mother as well as thick and big-boned, Princess Viarra was just too big and strong for anyone except maybe a wrestler or a gladiator to overpower.

Clearly Elissa would have to resort to guile instead.

Viarra shrieked out a series of giggles as Elissa reached up to tickle her sides. “Gods, no!” her highness squealed, attempting to push Elissa’s hands away. Unable to quite grab onto them, Viarra pushed herself away, laughing as she rolled onto her back.

Instead of renewing her assault, Elissa rolled over next to her, draping her left arm across Viarra’s chest and left leg across her waist.

“That was amazing,” Elissa admitted, snuggling up against her beloved’s nude form. “Thank you for being my first.”

“Thank you for being my first,” Princess Viarra countered, wrapping an arm around Elissa’s bare back. “I never imagined sex would feel like that.”

“You seemed to know what you were doing,” Elissa observed. “I mean, I could tell you were trying out techniques and all, but where did you learn them?”

“I asked Captain Vola,” her highness admitted looking over at her. “She’s pretty candid about sex advice, and even Captain Kellor admits it’s usually good advice. Part of the reason I brought you out here was because I wanted to try it, and there’s no one I’d rather try it with than you,” she added, reaching over to stroke Elissa’s cheek.

Elissa blushed and smiled, stroking her love’s powerful belly. “I’m glad you did,” she admitted, unable to think of anything else to say.

#theoutcastrogue #we-are-rogue #discussion

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elliewan · 3 years

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Boom Boom - Behind the Scenes

Hi everyone! As hinted in Chapter 14th notes, here is a (long?) tumblr post for some behind-the-scenes trivia about Boom Boom! I’m sorry it took me some time, but I’ll probably develop my HC for Thermite and Ace in another post :]

So. Here’s a small table of contents for this post. And of course, massive spoilers incoming! haha

Origin of the Title

Chapter and Rhythm building

Thermite’s friendships

Interviews with Harry

IQ/Kali’s background relationship

HC Timeline

In a nutshell

1. Origin of the title

The initial placeholder title was “Norwegian Dynamite”, then “From Texas with Norway”, then… “Boom Boom”. I’m still not happy with the title, but I think it’s good enough. And funfact, it’s kind of a mistake, but not so much. In French, my native language, heartbeat’s onomatopoeia is “Boum Boum”, while I read that in American English (the English I tended to use for my fanfic), it’s supposed to be “Thump Thump” or something like that. But I also read than in most of Norwegian dialects, “Boom Boom” could be understood as a heartbeat too. So anyway, Boom Boom refers both to the beating of their heart and to the explosions of their hard-breaching gadgets. It’s also dual, meaning that each of them is a “Boom” haha And it’s also a cute Mika song about two people being totally in love despite what their families think, and making love everywhere haha (cause in French “Faire crac crac boum boum” [“doing crac crac boom boom”] means “having sex” haha)

2. Chapter and Rhythm building

Unlike most of my fanfics, Boom Boom wasn’t written “as it goes”, I didn’t “discover” the fic while writing it. In fact, I hadn’t contemplated writing a multi-chapter for them until some comments on my Siegetober Ace/Thermite one-shots where people showed interest in the ship and a potential multi-chapter or longer story for them.

So after the Siegetober rush, while I had several wips ongoing, I started working on it. The first blank page was basically: Ace/Thermite – how do they get together for real and a series of bullet points for potential scenes. Then, I opened a PowerPoint file and started filling the following diagram:

Though this is now a bit obsolete, this was the first foundation. Thanks to this diagram, and the several bullet points for potential scenes I had brainstormed, I started building the story in a (ugly) board. Once again, several things are obsolete and I never really updated it – it was more of a working document for the “pre-writing” of the fic, to see if the story really made sense:

And one thing that really didn’t help was Ubisoft releasing the cutscene about Aruni out of nowhere haha. At the beginning, I panicked a bit because I thought it changed several things in my Thermite HC, but it happened to eventually fit quite well and even help adding more drama haha

And once I was ok enough with the board, despite it having several plot holes, I tried to measure the intensity of “love” and “dramatics” to see what kind of rhythm the fic was going to follow and check if I found it entertaining enough:

3. Thermite’s friendships

In the initial draft, Castle had a MAJOR part as Thermite’s best friend. He would help him sort his feelings, see the evolution of his relationship with Ace, and even go to Texas with him to help him face his family. But when re-reading for the umpteenth time Thermite’s file, I realized there was not a single mention of Castle, contrary to Hibana, Twitch and Thatcher. Not to mention Harry’s board where it’s written Thermite has a “sibling” relationship with Ash.

And that’s when everything ticked: Thermite is surrounded by great women. Sisterhood is part of who he is, how he was raised, how he lives. And this is why those women should have a stronger place in the story. So Hibana, Twitch, Aruni and Ash became real sisters to him. Hibana and Aruni being more like the big sisters – they’re reliable, sturdy and coolheaded, they provide him with advice and comfort; Aruni especially is quite similar in temper to his biological sister in my HC. Twitch is more like his same-age sister (though she’s younger), they see eye-to-eye but there’s no authority nor “big sister” feels between them; she’s the confident. As for Ash, she’s more like that distant sibling that has evolved a lot in life to the point where they don’t talk as mush as they used to… but who could move mountains just to get to him if she hears he’s in trouble. This is what I tried to convey :’)

4. Interviews with Harry

Honestly, interviews with Harry were my ultimate cheat code to give more information regarding Ace and Thermite’s psychological statuses, and various hints regarding their mental health. Though I sometimes prefer to bring this sort of nakedness and vulnerability throughout conversations with close friends, it wasn’t very possible here because: 1. Ace had no close friends with whom he could be this vulnerable, and he’s still new at Rainbow. (and he’s not even aware of his coping mechanisms and insecurities) 2. I kind of wanted Thermite to be incredibly good at clouding his issues, changing subjects and rejecting any kind of help, meaning that only Harry could get him to openly talk (or so he thought haha) about his mental health.

As for Harry’s behavior, I tried to render him as this kind of smooth, yet not evasive, therapist. One that wouldn’t be in the judgement, and who could wait whole minutes for the person to take their time to open up, and slowly but gently poking at the aching spots, and providing various resources to help them :)

Also, since in most of his psychological reports he seems to be very aware of friendships at the base, and to push some operators to meet some others, I tried to convey this vibe too. Just like when he says that he finds similarities with Ace, Dokkaebi and Sledge. Or when he offers Thermite to ask Lion and Meghan about their tattoos etc.

Also, here’s a bit of HC on how each of them deals with Harry haha

5. IQ/Kali’s background relationship

I have to admit I may have accidentally mirrored a lot Ace/Thermite’s relationship with IQ/Kali’s. Thing is that I wanted Kali to change too! I wanted her to be this impartial and authoritative bossy businesswoman that would slowly change into someone, though still sharp and arrogant, more human. I wanted Jaimini to show up a bit more. I have given veeery small hints to offer some glimpses at her true self, at what’s behind that mask. For instance, there is that moment in the fic where Ace and Kali argue, and he tells her:

“Jai, you and I both know very well that you didn't take this contract just for the money.”

Which makes Kali pale a lot, because he’s hitting a good nerve. In fact, I kind of headcanon Kali having softened enough around him, throughout their collaboration, to have confided a tiny bit about why she created Nighthaven, and all the frustrations she had grown up with. And thing is, Kali created Nighthaven because she wanted to be a hero too, just like him. She wanted to be at the heart of the battle, to protect people, to save lives, and she dreamed of a soldier life, of self-sacrifice and heroism. She just slid the wrong way, and her childhood dream turned into a private corporation of which she became a ruthless tycoon. Just like Ace, I think things went out of control at some point for her, and she just lose connection to reality and morals.

And the thing with IQ happened quite naturally. At the beginning, once I was okay with the three main squads (especially Alpha and Bravo), the relationship just happened on itself. While Montagne and Twitch were just those lovely and patient sweethearts, IQ was the one that had the hardest time with the Nighthaven folks, whether it were Ace or Kali. Both because she didn’t trust them and their secrecy, and because she has very little patience for people with difficult tempers in general haha

So, Kali being that bossy and defiant puzzle, refusing to let her see Nighthaven’s gadgets’ blueprints, things were just meant to sparkle between them. And Kali just couldn’t resist teasing IQ and reminding her she was untouchable. And through the teasing, the premises of a relationship were born. But unlike Ace/Thermite, I don’t think it followed a Colleagues to Friends to Lovers progression, but more an Enemies straight to Lovers progression haha

So anyway. I wanted to give a little boost to Kali, so that she opens up a bit more with Rainbow, and to bring a truce between Rainbow and Nighthaven’s disputes. And love just happened, once again, to be the perfect last push <3

Another thing that could have helped her would perhaps have been some true challenging from an authority she does respect, but I found it difficult to stage and Kali wasn’t the focus of the fic anyway – perhaps another time ;)

6. HC Timeline

And here is the ugly timeline I worked with haha It’s still probable that there are some inconsistencies, but I tried to avoid them as much as possible and I’m sorry if you find some! I’m horribly bad with figures, years and stuff haha

I used most of the canonical dates, except for Jordan’s mother and sister deceases, which weren’t accurately dated in his biography and which I reinterpreted a bit to fit my story.

Also, isn’t it absolutely lovely that their birthday is only 1 day apart? u_u #ProudPisces!

7. In a nutshell

So, those were my major documents that helped me build the foundations of the fic. What happened next was some drafting and pure writing, following the publishing tempo. I think the gist of what I wanted to convey through the story is still there, even if I reworked some chapters entirely. The journey (and the destination <3) is still the same.

+ I want to once again give a proper shout out to all the wonderful readers of the fanfic, whether they’re anonymous or not! I had never received so much feedback, and so many sweet words on any work before, even back in my time on fanfic.net. I feel so grateful for that, and though I already answered to everyone who commented, and wrote many notes, I still can’t find the way to properly translate just how much it means to me. So once again THANK YOU :’D

And thank you for reading this post too, if you did haha <3

#long post #ace/thermite #iq/kali #writing fanfiction #r6s fanfiction #my hcs #my work

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francoiserenaldt · 3 years

Text

then comes the touch (then comes the rush)

or five times desirée thinks about giving the boy with the stars in his eyes her heart and the one time she realizes that he’s had it the whole time. Takes place during the second semester of senior year. Inspired by @/yoonsgiggle’s ways to show affection. for day 3 of @it-lives-week.

word count: 2.4k

warnings: a pinch of angst toward the end because it was getting a bit sweet for my liking, too much pining for an established relationship, they’re both idiots but in different ways, toxic amount of fluff

Snow litters the school grounds as she trudges through it. The school’s obsession with having no less than 5 pep rallies a quarter has her out of her bed and at school at 7 in the morning to oversee the preparations.

Luckily, she wouldn’t need to endure the torture alone. Everyone in cheer, band, swim, wrestling, and basketball all had to be there for a completely unnecessary rehearsal that only served to tire the performers and wear on everyone else’s patience.

There was one benefit to today’s assembly: Andy would be there this time.

This would be his first day back since homecoming. The first day they’d be back in school since they’d kissed in the gymnasium and the first day they’d get a chance to be together since everything went wrong.

It had felt so weird to go from seeing him every day and getting close to him being holed up in a sterile room for most of the day. The days seemed to get emptier without him; even texts couldn’t fill the void his presence left.

Misattribution of arousal, her therapist had called it.

While the implication that Desirée had confused herself was...offensive to say the least, it had at least made some sense. No way could she have been feeling low just because of some boy that she was talking to, right?

There was only one way to find out.

“Desirée!”

“Hey stranger. I’d ask how life’s treating you but…”

He barks out a laugh, gesturing to his crutches. “Yeah, I’ve been better. And you? How have things been?”

“You know, I…” She trails off.

Before she can even think about finishing her sentence, his hand is on her arm. The touch sends a rush of warmth through her body and she thanks the Lord that she opted for multiple layers today.

He’s been back all of two hours, which means she should chill, right?

Her heart doesn’t seem to get the memo.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”

It’s a complete lie, of course, and definitely not what he asked. She couldn’t be further from okay when his totally normal and platonic comforting gesture is awakening things she thought she’d buried and telling her that it’s very likely that she hadn’t misattributed a damn thing, which would be great except for the fact that she’s not sure if he can say the same.

(And despite the rational part of her brain yelling at her, she wants him to say the same.)

(She’s so screwed.)

A few weeks pass after the encounter in the hallway and they find themselves back in the town square after school. They walk, or rather she walks and he limps, into the town park and find a park bench.

She quickly learns that practice had been a complete disaster; apparently being benched and injured still didn’t save Andy from microaggressions. It was interesting that they chose to focus on him when their attitudes weren’t saving them from an abysmal win-loss record, even after the strong start of the season.

In any case, he was unhappy and that couldn’t stand.

When they finally located a park bench, Andy raised an eyebrow when she didn’t sit next to him. “What are you doing?”

“Lean back.”

There’s an unmistakable déjà vu that overcomes her when her hands find their way to his shoulders.

(“Your…very toned shoulders look tense.”)

(“My very toned shoulders would love a shoulder rub.”)

His head tilts back after a minute or so–she must be doing it right this time–and...now they’re looking at each other.

A sharp chill crawls up her spine and she nearly shudders under the intensity of it. It shouldn’t be this hard to look away

There’s no telling how long it’s been or if her hands are even moving anymore.

Right. Shoulder rub.

She tears her gaze from his and puts her all into obliterating the tension in his shoulders. She vaguely notes his head going back to its original position.

“Hey.”

She nearly swallows her tongue with the force she uses to gulp any nervousness down. “Hey.”

“You good?”

“That’s my line,” she smiles gently. This is much better, the banter and the mutual flirting she’s used to. She doesn’t bother lingering on the concern in his voice. “I’m supposed to be helping you right now.”

“We can help each other,” he counters smoothly. “And you were going a little hard there.”

“Oh, sorry–”

“Don’t be. Felt good.” He tilts his head back again and grins when he finds her eyes again. “Just wanted to see where your head’s at.”

“My head is doing great, thanks. Spectacularly, in fact.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“So are you all good or…”

He clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m set. Thanks.”

Her heartbeat still thunders a mile a minute in her ears as she breathes out, “Any time.”

She reluctantly slides her hands off of his shoulders and moves –a little too quickly– to sit next to him. His arm finds its way onto her shoulders and she relaxes instantly, resting her cheek on top of his head, and she briefly imagines being able to fall asleep like this: with his arms around her shoulders, or even her waist, and his warm cheek resting on the column of her neck.

She erases the thought immediately and glances at him, finding him deep in thought as well.

A light nudge brings him back to her and she pops the question: “Where did you go?”

He chuckles, his warm breath hitting her neck and rendering her breathless yet again. This getting flustered business is the worst. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“How about the beginning?”

The comment only yields her a huff. “You’re so mean to me, you know that?”

“Yeah, right. Unfortunately for you, there’s no pool nearby to push me into this time.”

“Fountain’s gotta be close enough, right?” His arms move faster than lightning, sliding under her knees and around her waist before she could catch her breath.

“Andy Kang, don’t you dare!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

The good news, she finds, is that she did not get soaked in gross fountain water and there’s no way he’s not into her. A net win, you would think.

The tradeoff for that -she can never just have nice things- is that she was into him in September. Knew she liked him in October. Now that it’s February, she maybe even l-

Oh no.

It’s not a big deal when it happens.

She’s just left a student council meeting and, if memory serves, she has a two minute window to leave the premises before one of her teachers needs help or Lucas suggests another membership drive proposal for next month’s meeting.

She’s flying down the second set of stairs –she’s down to a minute now– when she sees him.

He’s freshly showered –practice must have ran late again– and changed, his damp black hair pushed back from his face. He’s hauling ass too for some reason, barely even looking up from his phone. Maybe he won’t even see her if she runs fast enough and she can text him later–

Sure enough, he glances up and grins brilliantly when he sees her. It’s only natural that she returns it.

She closes the few feet separating them and he’s still got that sappy grin on his face when she stands next to him.

“How was practice?”

“Boring as always. Student council?”

She gives him a look. Why they even bother with words anymore is beyond her.

“Heh, heard ya loud and clear. Wanna get out of here?” He extends his hand in her direction. She feels the tip of his middle finger brush against her knuckles and her heart starts beating ridiculously fast.

She takes it in hers, a little too eagerly in hindsight, and threads her manicured fingers into his. “Gladly.”

She’ll overthink it for hours after the fact, but in the moment she just enjoys walking out of school with the boy she really, really likes.

(If she more than likes him, then he doesn’t need to know that.)

The school is weirdly energized today; students rush about, talking about weekend plans and that ridiculously hard test and other things that should not be repeated. (High school boys are gross.) Deadlines, extracurriculars, and the general dumpster fire that is life had all but killed the fight of the senior class, but not today.

Today, of course, is the first day of spring break.

The sky seems to know it’s spring break too; the near constant drizzle of rain has let up for the day and the sun tentatively peeks its head out from a slowly widening gap of clouds, adding some long overdue warmth to the afternoon air.

It doesn’t compare to the smile on his face when their eyes meet.

“Desirée!” He calls out, jogging to envelope her in a hug.

Hugging definitely isn’t a new thing for them–hell, she’s easily hugged everyone in the group at least three times by now–but the way his head makes a home in the space between her neck and shoulder feels…intimate. Cozy, even. It’s far too comforting considering that she just saw him yesterday and they’re in the middle of the hallway (she’s definitely going to hear about this later) but she can’t bring herself to pull away. Not yet.

He ends up being the one to break it, pulling away just enough to look up at her. “Hi.”

“Hi. Good day so far?”

“Better now.” He loops an arm in hers. “Wanna get lunch?”

“As long as you’re paying.”

“Take a break.”

They’re in her living room -her parents decided to come home for once and no amount of brownie points gets you ‘boys in the bedroom’ privileges- on the couch. She’s supposed to be studying for her government test, a task that Andy seems adamant on impeding her from.

“And why would I do that?”

“Because I asked you to.” The statement only produces a snort from her, and he nudges her lightly on the shoulder. “Pleeeeease? I’m bored.”

“Apologies, your Majesty King Kang, but I’m afraid I’ve misplaced my jester hat today.” She pouts in mock guilt before scoffing. “In the meantime, my government test isn’t going to ace itself.”

“Please, you could probably do this in your sleep.”

“And until I can definitely do this in my sleep, I have to keep going.”

She turns her body fully away from him for a few minutes and she finds her rhythm fairly quickly. As her brush pen draws the title of the next card, she allows herself a peek and Jesus Christ, is he pouting?

It’s childish.

It’s completely immature.

It’s...working?

Ughhhhhhhhhhh.

She shoves her flashcards into their corresponding case and slides them under the coffee table, huffing. “You are a terrible influence.”

“Yeah, but I’m a terrible influence that has your full and undivided attention.” He pecks her on the nose and grins at her unamused glare, “Now, what do you say we do something fun?”

It’s the final day of high school.

Today should be a happy day; after all, staying goodbye to early morning classes and popularity contests is what she’s been dreaming of since the day she got there.

There was just one problem: Andy wouldn’t be coming with her.

Despite the numerous hours of studying and makeup tests, there wasn’t enough time left in the school year to make up for his absences due to the medical leave he’d taken. Unless he somehow managed to pay the school for the amount of money he’d lost, he would have to sit for senior year all over again.

He’d assured her that it wouldn’t be all bad; repeating the year gives him a chance to go out for basketball captain and Tom would be there with him, but there was no amount of silver linings that could change the fact that she’d been accepted into Cornell University and would be attending in the fall.

Without him.

It’s not lost on her that she sounds absolutely pathetic. Most people could only dream of getting into an Ivy League university, let alone Cornell, and she’s considering giving all six years of relentless hard work and sleepless nights away for some boy just because she thinks she loves him.

(They both know she won’t do it. She’s lost too much and has come too far.)

They’d put this off for too long as it is.

“We’ve been apart before, right? We can do it again.”

“I just got you back, Andy. How am I supposed to be okay with losing you?”

“You won’t lose me.”

“How do you know that?”

“You won’t lose me because I love you, Desirée,” he reaches up to take her face into his hands, “That’s how.”

Her eyebrows furrow, as if she’s confused. The idea breaks his heart. “You love me?”

“Of course I do.”

“I’m such an idiot.” She pulls away, shutting her eyes and shaking her head. “This whole time I’ve been trying to pace myself and…I really screwed things up, didn’t I?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I love you, too. I didn’t want you to know until I knew you felt the same.”

“Why?”

“I’ve lost too many people as it is. If I lost you, I…” She purses her lips and looks away. “I couldn’t handle it.”

There’s no escaping the way that his lips feel on hers or the shiver that travels up her spine and honestly? She doesn’t want to.

When he speaks again, their foreheads are pressed together–she’s practically bent over at this point and can’t bring herself to care–and his hands are still holding her face as if he thinks she’ll slip away. “You will never lose me, you hear me? There is nothing that you could do that’ll change that.”

She wants to believe him, wants to believe that he’s not making a promise that he can’t keep, so she does.

She knows she’ll kick herself for waiting this long when she gets home, but at that moment she enjoys walking out of her high school for the last time with the boy she loves.

(If he knows it too, that’s even better.)

#day 3 #ship: desiree x andy #ILAweek #ilitw #mc: desiree ashton #li: andy kang #andy x mc #i hope you have a better time reading this than i had writing it jwshdbj #oh and for more angst this is in the something gained universe jdfhbrjn #also someone PLEASE take dashes and parentheses away from me #i feel like i should mention that devon isn't mentioned in this bc he's **** jndk

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mycatshuman · 4 years

Text

I Against Me

Past Platonic Anxciet

Warnings: angst, just a whole lot of angst.

Didn't proof read so here you go.

"Tell me why you're holding me back

Tryna push me off the right track

And I'm wishing so bad you would leave me alone

Why you're blurring out my vision

So I'd go make the wrong decision

But I know that you'll never be gone"

---------

Virgil and Janus used to be good friends. Really good friends. The kind of friends who would do anything for each other. But their friendship grew to be unhealthy. Toxic even. And when Janus "Self-Care" Sanders asked Virgil if he could find any reason why they should continue to be friends, Virgil realized, then more than ever, that he had to let go. He loved Janus. He was one of the best friends he had ever had. And in the words of Brendon Urie: "If you love me let me go-" Virgil let Janus go.

That didn't make it hurt any less.

---------

"I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends

Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends

But now I started seeing clearer

I saw your face up in the mirror

Yes I'm the one to blame"

--------

Virgil shattered.

He knew it was his fault. Who else could have caused this. Janus was big on self-care. If he had issues, he went to see a therapist, but Virgil, oh Virgil, he wouldn't. Dare he say he couldn't? Therapy cost money, money that he couldn't really spare.

But he could have done better. He could have listened to Janus when he told him to get help. But he didn't. Why exactly, he didn't know. Stubborn? Lazy? Most likely. But he did try to keep his problems from Janus. Keep them tight to his chest. He couldn't burden others with his issues. He should have known better.

--------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me

I against me

(I, Me... I)"

---------------

Virgil isolated himself. He thought it would help. He really did. It only succeeded in making himself feel lonely. So lonely that he didn't feel like he could ever reach out. He didn't feel like he could bring up events in his life. From time to time he did, on things he didn't feel alone in dealing with, but when he felt truly and utterly alone, he didn't reach out. He couldn't reach out. That eventually led to possibly one of the biggest mistakes in his life.

---------------

"I'm hurting everyone around me

And I'm regretting it profoundly

But I finally see that the reason is you

Another day another struggle

Because I'm always causing trouble

And I hate what you're making me do"

----------

Janus did not see their relationship as healthy. Virgil couldn't think of any reason for them to be friends other than he wanted to and he felt less lonely when talking to Janus. Even when he isolated himself, talking to Janus sometimes made him forget. But Virgil knew he was just being selfish. He was stifling Janus. Janus deserved a much better friend than Virgil could ever be.

And when Janus got cold feet, Virgil took over and let go. Better he deal with all the guilt than his friend. Ex-friend.

Self-loathing wasn't far behind.

----------

"I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends

Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends

But now I started seeing clearer

I saw your face up in the mirror

Yes I'm the one to blame"

-----------

Virgil had cried himself to sleep the night before, "to sleep on his thoughts" Janus had suggested, he ended up with a stuffy nose before finally falling asleep. He didn't think he would be able to cry anymore after it actually ended but he supposed things do always go the way you think they do. He didn't think he would be the one to actually leave. It was just one more thing for Vitgil to blame himself for. Maybe it wasn't exactly a healthy thing to do but, Virgil needed to realize the truth. This was his fault, no one else's. He was the one to make the friendship toxic. No one else but him. He was told to get help and he didn't. His dad and stepmother were right, he didn't know how to change.

-----------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me"

--------------

Virgil had dealt with friendships end before. He really couldn't think of anyone he knew who had ever stayed his friend throughout his whole life. There were people who went and came back and then went again. There were people who were friends but more out of obligation like they were family or they had no else at the time and needed someone. Virgil had had a few friends throughout his lifetime but never really any best friends. At least not ones where it didn't seem one sided. He should have realized the ending of his friendship with Janus was going to hurt a whole lot more than the ones before.

--------------

"Me against I

A torturous battle

A one-sided fight

I'm willing to lose if it means

That I win in the end

Now the war is on

As we both collide

I just hope I will survive"

-----------

Virgil sat in his room. He couldn't go to his mom or aunt. He couldn't let them know what happened. He could deal with this on his own. There wasn't a rule that dealing with something on one's own required them to actually be able to handle the crushing weight of emotions pushing him down into the ground.

Movies sometimes depicted people talking to their siblings if they couldn't or didn't want to go to an adult when they were hurting. But his brother wouldn't understand and he couldn't trust him not to tell anyone. And his sister...well, he hadn't heard from her in a while. He wasn't sure why, if it was because she thought he had been in on it when their brother set up a group video call and added their mother or if it was because of the letter.

He had said things about their mom in the letter, hoping to get the 4 year silence between them to end, but maybe it was what he had confessed at the end of the letter that had stopped their communication. Maybe it wasn't the right idea to come out as Bi in a letter but how else was he supposed to be certain only his sister would hear?

Yes, Virgil was trying to distract himself from the events of earlier that morning by thinking of other things that upset him. Not healthy but it kept him from crying for the most part so he counted it as a win. Except nothing could ever seem like a win on that day. More like a consolation prize. Like, "Hey you woke up today! You get to breathe!" But eventually, he would have to let reality run him over.

-----------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me"

---------------

Virgil often wondered what was wrong with him. Why some things didn't seem to make him react the ways others did. He really wished someone would just tell him everything that was wrong with him and why so he could fix it all. Most of the time when he tried to fix things he had messed up with before, he only ended up making things worse. It happened when he lived with his dad and now he was living with his mom.

He wanted to change. Really, he did. At least he thought so. But people were telling him he wasn't changing. And of course they had to be right. He really wasn't changing. He was just fooling himself into believing he was. And he had fooled other people into believing he was. His mom was right, he really was manipulative.

---------------

"Bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all (Ohh)

Wish that I could cut all the ties (Ohh)

And now my life is such a tragedy (It's I Against Me)

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy (Ohh)

I can't look myself in the eyes (Ohh)

It's I against me"

------------------

Maybe, Virgil thought. Maybe I'm not supposed to have friends. I don't deserve them and they deserve better than me. Tears spilled fast and heavy from Virgil's eyes. Maybe I was just meant to be alone.

------------------

"I against me

I against me"

---------------

Everything taglist: @spxced-oxt @superwholocked-for-life @mirror2thespirit @aroundofapplesauce @lyditist @@little-euro-girl @unicornofdarknessstuff @maryann-draws @odette-ssbu

#sanders sides virgil #virgil sanders angst #virgil sanders #ts virgil #sanders sides janus #ts janus #janus sanders #ts deceit #deceit #platonic anxceit #tw angst #angst #sanders sides #thomas sanders #sanders sides angst #Spotify

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anyu-blue · 3 years

Text

Hey I'm rambling about stuff in my own head again. Trigger warnings apply- specifically those dealing with therapy, dysphoria, self harm, relationships, and stuff like that. :T

I don't really understand it... For quite a while there I was fine. Content even to just let things slide. I think it was because I felt secure where I was (with Lon) and blocked out a lot that doing therapy has brought screaming to the front of my mind... But I could be wrong and I feel confused and conflicted again.

At one point (before Lon) I had settled down when my previous therapist basically gave me permission to call myself androgynous. She told me it was okay- if that's what I felt, then I could use it.... I felt very relieved and much less ruffled. There was still a nag in the back of my head, but it was quiet enough I buried it... For the most part...

Getting with Lon brought quite a few forward and I insisted he understand I am/was not a girl. He also seemed content and sweet and more than accepting... Until he wasn't.. looking back.. Lon said a LOT of weird or off things he either never came through with or downright switched on.. especially near the end. EVERYONE in his family and friend group assumed and pushed the 'girl' thing... And that nag got a little louder..I pushed back (gently) reminding Lon with little things here and there that I wasn't... But still 'she' and overwhelming compliments on my feminity buried me under them. In the end... I know it was driving me crazy (literally) and probably Contributed more to the mess than I understood at the time.

But it also wasn't a push even.. just the assumption.. I believe that because right now my hackles are raised so high every time someone says 'she' to or about me I BRISTLE. I want to yell or (depending on who it is) quietly tell whomever is doing it to stop.. tell them they're wrong... Most aren't doing it maliciously, I know.. it's just what they see. I feel pressured or pushed. It's really weird and extremely uncomfortable. It's confusing too because.. I don't know... I can't see how they don't see me as different than 'girl'... Or heaven forbid 'WOMAN.'

*shudders*

My therapist and I are exploring the feelings around when these things are said to me... And she's proposed doing something about my anger and frustration like squeezing Something or something or just outright accepting it... Basically ANYTHING other than telling people my business... But the problem is, I've told her... I want to BREAK things.. I mean I don't... But I feel the urge to. To hit. To yell. To scream. To cry. To crush. To run. But I don't. In some ways I can't.... Squeezing Something when I'm angry hurts me. My grip is incredibly weak (always has been no matter what I've tried) and everything pops painfully. Or it pinches my skin and hurts... So I've developed a reflex to do the opposite of squeeze or hit things (which certainly hasn't helped the weakness issue lol)... And even if I do try to do those things.... It's never enough. I can't go and go and go like I want to. It just makes me madder. More frustrated. It's never satisfying or as releasing as People tell me it should feel. I just want more. And more and more and more. And in the end I'm usually left a sobbing mess that's completely spent, but still so mad and frustrated... Feeling those feelings even more. Sure I'm tired enough to pass out.. but I wake up.. and everything is still there.. usually coupled with depression because it's STILL THERE... And I couldn't get it out. I don't feel better or lighter or more free.. I feel heavier.. sadder... Worse. I used all that energy and nothing came of it.

And I don't understand!! I really don't. Why I'm never satisfied... Why I've always always been so angry... I was told I was an extremely cruel child.. I remember a little too.. I always wanted to act, but was pushed down.. and even when I did, it never felt good or like it was enough.. I swear I could tear an entire house down by myself with nothing but my own two hands and I STILL would want to do more.

...

And I'm feeling all of these things with gender...

Tevs said to me she thinks I 'want to be a boy because our mother always wanted a boy and [I] always wanted her approval.' ... I can't deny that MAYBE it had an influence on me. MAYBE...

But... I don't WANT that witch's approval anymore. I don't care about her distain either. I don't want her ANYWHERE NEAR my life, it's MINE not hers.. and I'm really pissed off no one can seem to take the damn hint I am 110% DONE with her and anything to do with her. She HAS a son to raise now. And a loving husband who had her adopt him. And good friends and whatever else she has in her life. I am OUT of it. And I want to be out of it forever.

.. it feels demeaning when Tevs says that it's all from that to me.. she's done it more than once, and of course I'm upset by it every time.

... I just want to be me... And every time someone looks at me and tells me I am beautiful.. or pretty.. or a wonderful woman... I just want to cry... To go hide.. I feel so ashamed.

...

Here's the thing.. I AM attractive. I AM beautiful, hot, resilient, kind... Just about everything you'd associate a woman with... I was walking to another area in my workplace just tonight and caught a glimpse of myself as I did so in our big windows... The way I walk. My silhouette. Everything about me... Is envious.

I'm not saying these things because I'm vain.. I'm saying them because if I compare my body and gait and everything to the People alongside me- even the guests I see coming in- I can see it as clearly as everyone else who tells me I'm this pretty thing does... I'm not sickeningly skinny and I'm not fat. I'm not super tall nor short. I'm right in the middle with an ass and legs People tell me they'd kill to have... If I were to wear proper bras, I have a chest they'd love too- not too heavy and not unnoticeably small... But I wear ones that squish my chest so it looks like I have less (and that might be why I have such glaring problems with my ribcage sliding out of place all the time. I'm crushing everything XP).. take a guess as to why I started doing that...

I can't hide my hips... Nor my legs... I've got cute feet too. And hands... So dainty and fine- just enough bone and plump in the right places... It's no wonder I am the envy of my poor (adopted) cousin desperate to be a model and a star.. poor girl. She's beautiful in her own right, but her genes have made it so hard for her to fully dive into her confidence... My dad told me we are rivals and have always been... And my heart breaks for her because I'm not even trying... I want her to succeed!! To be the one in the spotlight!! I want to stay in the background so she can shine... But I always get pulled forward and somehow she's in my shadow (despite being taller than me).. and she can't stand to be near me.. even when I am trying my hardest to let her lead or to say things kindly or in her favor.. I can't seem to win... So I don't really have a relationship with her at all.. Though I really wanted to.

When I don't hide.. when I do 'dress up'... There's so many compliments. If I run into ANYONE from school when I do... *Gags* the compliments, disbelief, and shock... I remember EVERY prom... People not knowing who I was... Or being shocked if they did recognize me straight out. All 4 years... And it made the ostracization worse. My class was AFRAID of me. I was this shy/frumpy (also angry) little thing.. but I still remember being stared at changing after gym whenever there wasn't a stall for me to hide in.. I personally at the time thought it was because I was so ugly/fat they couldn't help themselves... Going through everything in therapy.. I realize it was because I was so skinny under all my baggy clothes.. and really pretty under the acne/hood/ugly glasses. I wasn't bullied just because I was smart/loved to learn... I was a threat and didn't even know it. The envy of my peers. And it's so sad.

I did wish to be like them.. so confident. So able to fake it. To do my makeup and wear cute things and to feel right somehow... But I never did. I tried.. but couldn't stand the clothes.. or the comments about my ass... Or all the things they focused on whenever I came close to succeeding. I couldn't seem to get it right. I just wanted to hide whenever I stood out... It never felt right.

It got to the point I was AFRAID to wear dresses and skirts. Terrified. Everything felt wrong with the world when I did. I felt like I was faking Something. Like I was purposefully being awful... Lying..

I wear some now because I was cheered up by the idea of genderqueer people and some men finding comfort in wearing them and in some ways them becoming more acceptable by all genders... Plus they're reeeally comfy sometimes. And it's nice to just be able to throw on a dress with built in pads during the summer heat wave than to worry about all those damn layers XP ... And I recognize that no one is going to question me or think I'm lying when I wear any... They don't see what I have in my head.

I do recognize that some of this stuff has trauma tied to it... And I'm confused because I don't know where the trauma ends and I (my own genuine thoughts) begin... I was not treated kindly at home- even outright being called ugly in a derogatory manner.. granted I now know those comments mostly came from a pedophile disinterested in me and the pedophile's own manipulation of my mother and her family's opinions (gaslighting and twisting to where I really was the horrible child in all ways) AND I know that I am not neurotypical which caused some other unfortunate treatments in and around my home.

I don't know where to go with it... Or why I'm so viscously against being called a girl or a woman. Why it's setting me off so bad right now. I just know that it is... And for some reason every time I'm alone or not really thinking of it... I don't think of myself as one. Not at all. And when I'm reminded.. I'm often startled by it and confused and need to process the information for a second... Despite 'being' one for all of my life... I've continually had the problem I don't expect what I see in the mirror either.. especially since puberty.

If I could show you what I think/feel most of the time... I think this would be the closest I could get- just make the chest straighter/flatter... It bugged me to no end to add that detail in and still does to this day, but I was going off the model (me lol). I don't feel like Anything... But I want to be something.. and that Something is... Not this. Not this...

But where do I go? What do I do?

I'm terrified of surgeries... I don't want massive scars (not that I mind scars- in fact I LOVE them. They're so cool!! But I don't want people to KNOW you know? Not that. Not Something that is such a private matter... I don't want to believe or go after something for it to be wrong too... And I don't feel I can afford any of it anyway 😞 even if I did want to try or actually found the right one... I would be so depressed to never be able to reach my goal.. and I feel I've held myself back due to that fear too...

I know another reason I haven't tried anything or spoken up or anything is because I have this strange desire to pass on my genetic legacy. It is such a powerful urge I am TERRIFIED of losing the ability... People tell me about adoption all the time as a great option, and it IS a great option for the children... Because I would do ANYTHING for my own... But it's this terrible terrible feeling I wouldn't feel I could claim them as my own and it would leave something still empty inside of me and I wouldn't be as loving because of it and that kills me... It sounds terrible too!!

I would do almost anything to have my own child... When it comes to pain tolerance or body changes I know I would have the hardest time than most if I were to get knocked up.. but I have that thought that it would be worth it because they are MINE.

I've thought about egg donation.. because I feel it would make me feel better to know I succeeded in passing on the line to someone better off and worthy of having children... But I feel I have too many genetic issues or would be an undesirable candidate or I'd feel terrible if the child died and then I didn't succeed...

Lol I think of things oddly... And that makes me think I don't deserve to have children or donate too... Never mind the actual process XP boy... Complicated~

So I've never tried... I am also quite poor and know I would struggle to raise a child. Even just one. And if I were to have twins (as I'm the generation that is supposed to)... I have even more worries... And I don't want a child or children to grow up with the struggles I had or worse than I had like they likely would if I just went for it.

...

I knew I felt more sure when I was with Lon because he apparently wanted/wants kids too... And it was in the plan (Maybe. Maybe not. It's possible he was the one messing with my medication alarms and trying, but also possible he just wanted sex... Because he told me before he left that he thought he was infertile for a long time (and there's some pretty strong evidence to suggest he's got weak swimmers lol but I'm not going to divulge what that stuff is) so it may have been a lie all along... But I didn't know and felt assured and safe with that path at the time)...

*sigh*

Idk what to do... I know I'm messed up about it all.. and I know my knee jerks and feelings... But I don't exactly trust myself or my memory or my reasons... I am only human... And I feel so lost.

I know what I envy... Very much.. and what I would choose if I could... But... Life just doesn't work that way... And science is so stunted it likely won't in my lifetime.

*snort*

I feel the worst thing that my dad ever said to me was when I told him and his wife that I wasn't a girl... I don't remember if I told them I was neither or would prefer to be a guy... But I do remember my dad's response... He told me 'go ahead and you do you, but I want you to know that no matter what, you're always going to be my little girl. I just can't think of you any other way, because you are. You're my little girl.'

And I just... It struck me so badly (obviously, I still think about it)... And made my heart so heavy. I... Understand... To the extent I can... And I don't want to... Lose him because I can't accept that... But.. I feel like it's only pushed me to lose myself... To.. just stay. Take the 'easy' route. To 'accept' it (except we can see how well THAT'S going).

*sigh*

I don't know...

The only thing I do know right now is I have this fantasy about... Going away for a while. More or less disappearing for 5 to 10 years... And coming back... How I want to be/see myself... And seeing what everyone would think...

Tevs thinks I only want it because of trauma. Dad thinks I'm always going to be his daughter. Everyone else is so sure I am a woman...

And maybe they're right... (I mean TECHNICALLY lol I can't exactly argue with that 😂)... And I would be trying to let my 'good looks' and all that 'go to waste'...

...

If I could trade someone... 100%... I would. I'm a pretty/beautiful/attractive looking body... (My face is debatable lol but whatever)... I wonder how come am I not happy about it...

#personal #random #ignore me #life in general #trigger warnings apply

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undeadorion-archive · 3 years

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Strap in, folks! It’s family drama time! But there’s a lot of history, first. CW: emotional abuse, anti-vax/mask, physical assault

I have 2 sisters. One older, one younger. We’re all our own brand of mess thanks to an emotionally abusive and manipulative mother. But my older sister takes it to a whole new level. She’s the one who fell into perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

Older sister is 6 years older than me, thus in her mid-40s. Younger sister is 1 year younger than me.

Technically, my older sister is adopted. But she’s also my biological sister. It’s a longer story, but my mom got into a serious accident when my older sister was just a baby. My mom’s cousins adopted her, but didn’t tell her until she was like 10. They told her she was going to meet her biological family, gave her a one way ticket from the midwest to Oregon, and put her on a plane by herself. They didn’t tell her she was leaving for good. Which, understandably, would mess someone up for a while.

Growing up, she had some serious issues with acting out and just being awful. She’d skip school to bring boyfriends home and have sex in other people’s beds, for example.

The big thing she did to me, however, happened when I was like 20. I’d injured my knee severely and was still waiting to see the physical therapist. I couldn’t bend my right leg at all, I’d later find out it was because my kneecap had started to heal crooked. But at the time this happened, I was just in so much pain I was physically ill. She cornered me in the kitchen about something and refused to let me leave until I told her what she wanted to hear. I was in tears because I just wanted to go lay back down. I begged her to move, she wouldn’t listen. I tried to slap her out of sheer panic, but because of the pain and standing on one foot, I barely even touched her. She responded by taking my feet out from under me and laying on top of me, in a wrestling move type of thing. She then mocked me for not being able to get back up while I was laying on the floor having what I now realize was an extreme panic attack. I couldn’t even speak.

To this day, she waffles between claiming to not remember it even happening and it not being a big deal. By one line in the sand is that if she apologizes, genuinely, for it then I’ll speak to her again. She’s tried exactly once in 15 years, and it was to tell me to get over it and move on.

At some point, she moved 300 miles away. She would periodically come to visit, but I wasn’t speaking to anyone in my family during that time.

She got REAL mad when I moved in with my dad. For the longest time using my deadname or the wrong pronouns. Eventually upgrading to calling me “Colon” (with the quotes). I’ve lived her since early 2018, and she continues to insist that I turned my dad and younger sister against her. Even though it was her vitriolic behavior about me that did it. My only caveat is that I don’t have to see her if she ever comes to visit. Yet somehow that’s too much for her to handle.

Slowly, my dad and younger sister started distancing themselves. The biggest blow coming in the middle of 2020. Late in 2019, my dad had started planning a trip out to see her in May. He bought plane tickets because he’s getting older and he just can’t do that drive anymore. Then his flight was cancelled so he re-scheduled for September. But the more the pandemic dragged on, the more he questioned it. So he told her he was going to cancel for now and they could try again after the world got back to normal.

She absolutely fucking lost it. Just blew her top. Started ranting and raving about how it’s all a hoax. Called him selfish and demanded he have empathy for her plight. Expecting him to risk the airport, when he was in a very high risk category, between his age and health issues.

After that, she got REAL loud about being against masks. And eventually, against the vaccine.

Then, about a year ago, she “coincidentally” tested positive for COVID when she went to the hospital for pneumonia. And expected the family to travel 300 miles to see her because of it. She’s still anti-mask and anti-vaccine.

All the while she’s been threatening my younger sister to come and visit. While also demanding to take my niece and nephew (ages 9 and 4) out for a day just the 3 of them. Without any other adults. Like flat out harassing my younger sister about it.

She was constantly attacking both my dad and younger sister. And any time they’d say anything in the real of “that’s not okay” she’d start in with the usual “That’s just my OPINION” nonsense. Like telling my younger sister to have a cleaner house.

Then added on top of all that, over the last year we lost our 2 closest relatives. Our aunt and uncle who lived one town over. We practically lived at their house for several summers. When older sister was told about their passing, all she said was “sorry to hear that,” as if they were strangers. She didn’t care at all about it, and was almost irritated that she was expected to acknowledge it.

Until a few weeks ago. We went to help our cousins with clearing out the house. Took some heirlooms and sentimental stuff and otherwise helped sell what they weren’t keeping. They lived in a huge house out in the middle of farm country, so cell signal was non-existent and internet was spotty at best. She saw younger sister posting photos from the visit, and lost her shit. Because she expected us to video call her so she could see what stuff there was. Of course didn’t give a damn about the emotional weight of it all.

Sometime after that, she ended up calling my dad and berating him about it all. Just yelling and insulting him for no reason. She called him a “Stubborn old fool” and hung up.

In the interim she had to go back to the hospital due to post-covid complications. During which she was on a call with my younger sister. Pulled that usual abuser tactic of pushing someone’s buttons until they explode and then letting someone see just the fallout. So she could then tell my dad the doctor asked if everything was safe at home, and called my younger sister abusive for it.

Well, today was all of this coming together in one single phone call. My dad called her back after a missed call, mostly to check in after her hospital visit. And all of a sudden it became her bemoaning her “abandonment issues.” Like literally saying “You should have compassion because of my abandonment issues.” This was in response to my dad telling her calmly that he didn’t like when she insulted him or yelled at him, which she also defended with saying she had been “frustrated”. As if that excused any of her behavior. It ended with him saying “I’m not your therapist,” and telling her to speak to one.

Ultimately, she proved that she’s allowed to say or do whatever she wants and everyone else must only be nice and sweet to her.

Also, somehow, this is all my fault. Personally.

Family is exhausting.

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uwua3 · 4 years

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snap.

🍁📸 fushimi omi

summary: 5 times omi pretends it’s fine, and 1 time he snaps

warnings: anger issues, therapy, fights

notes: i wrote this based on a personal experience i’ve been recently had with a friend! although they are dear to me, i get tired easily from serious fighting and it brings back bad memories. so, this is just an one–shot that makes my frustration productive instead of taking it out on people!

omi is definitely one of the most patient people in mankai, but i feel like even he has limits and snaps every once in a while. this is just an example of being so mentally tired of fighting that you have no control over your anger anymore ♡

word count: 2,387

music: down in flames – aj mitchell

Omi had been friends with you for as long as he could’ve remembered. You moved to Yosei University two years ago during his freshmen year, and Omi quickly became your tour guide after becoming the resident photographer of the academy, meaning he knew every possible spot on campus.

The first time Omi met you was in one of his classes, where he found his way to the classroom and had one goal in his mind: sit at the seat closest to the door. Omi never liked confrontation, but he’d rather have the professor call on him for sitting front row than have to rush past countless students to barely make it to his next class. His schedule was so packed to the point he needed a break, so when he turned and saw you sitting in his seat, Omi nearly groaned in frustration. It wasn’t a big deal, calm down, Omi.

Omi hated getting angry. The emotion of rage was so common, but he understood it was second to whatever feeling he felt first. Omi carefully took a few deep breaths just like his therapist instructed as he made his way to the open seat next to you, sitting down with a practiced smile to mask his slight annoyance. Omi didn’t like anger, he didn’t want to subject any of his frustrations onto you, especially a stranger who didn’t know him.

It was ten minutes into class before the professor put everyone in pairs to discuss the topic with the person next to you as an icebreaker.

You turned as Omi remembered his lessons: put your hand out, have a friendly smile, and lightly shake their hand. That’s how you make friends, after all! The moment you took his hand, everything changed as you two started talking immediately and got off–topic way too fast. You two clicked! Omi’s underlying tension with you disappeared as his brain recognized you as a new friend.

As he waved goodbye and hurried to his next class, Omi looked forward to seeing you every class.

You’re included in Omi’s friend group after no time at all. You fit in well without any problems, you got along with everyone and Omi was so relieved because he quickly found out you were... problematic.

Omi didn’t realize this at first, but you had a temper. It was an issue he understood, but Omi has spent his entire life trying to not let it explode out of no where. You, really didn’t care. You would initiate arguments over things that really didn’t matter, like miniscule things even Omi didn’t hyper–fixate on. You’d raise your voice, convinced you were 100% right and there was no room to disagree.

Omi would just apologize even if he didn’t mean it and move on from the topic, subtly changing subjects because really, arguing exhausted him. Omi grew up with an all–male house, so the testosterone within his family was tiring, to say the least. Omi had to be the peacemaker, the balance between all the boys (puberty was hell). So, deterring fights with you weren’t exactly difficult, it was just taxing.

One time, you were criticizing Omi for a joke he made. He couldn’t even remember what it was, but you were adamant that he was completely wrong and you began explaining why. Omi glanced around the room, you two were having lunch in the courtyard with his friends. They didn’t seem to notice, used to your outbursts and talked amongst themselves. Wow, thanks guys.

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” Omi tried to calm you down, but you got even angrier (how was that possible?!). You got into it like it was a debate, so Omi just silently ate his food as he half–listened to you and tried to focus on passing students. You went on and on, but Omi couldn’t find it in himself to fight back. He didn’t like that, Omi didn’t like anger.

Omi breathed in and out three times. Omi counted to ten in his head. Omi didn’t look at you. Omi hated getting angry.

So, Omi just kept saying sorry.

(But, was it even his fault?)

You guys moved to texting to stay in touch outside of Yosei University. At first, it was school updates on events that you two wanted to hang out together at. Then, it became like every 21st–century friendship: sending memes. You and Omi had a similar sense of humor, so it wasn’t hard to send him something that made him laugh out loud. He didn’t really follow that many modern online trends because he was often preoccupied with schoolwork, but he understood the appeal.

It wasn’t until he questioned some picture you sent that you blew up his phone with texts, yelling at him for not knowing what joke you were referring to. Omi blinked, he wasn’t used to phone rants. You didn’t even explain the joke, you just made fun of his inability to understand things. Omi almost felt insulted until he remembered this was common, you just liked doing this. You were just tempermental, that’s it.

You were like his brothers. Omi knew what to do, trying to push aside his feelings of hurt as he apologized. You took it this time, much to his relief.

Omi decided to research more stuff about your favorite references so he could stay updated. You were much better with him the next time around and Omi avoided asking questions because you’d only get mad. Omi didn’t want you to be angry, Omi hated getting angry.

Omi hated anger.

Your anger moved to the classroom. The students around you guys liked talking, so you five often grouped up for projects and always talked about “a C is passing”. But sometimes, you liked starting fights even in public with mere acquaintances.

Omi wouldn’t say your stubbornness was a fault. Omi once asked about it in a moment of bravery, and you surprisingly told him you felt silenced most of your life, so you didn’t hesitate sharing what makes you uncomfortable and what hurts you. That was fair, Omi became more understanding of your stubborness and inability to compromise without emotions clouding your judgement. He’d just have to work on managing it.

Omi’s therapist didn’t seem to like you, oddly enough. When Omi shared that you liked fighting, they almost looked concerned. They asked if what you started made Omi angry, and Omi always shook his head and denied it. Yeah, sure sometimes you got him riled up, but he’s never seriously yelled at you in public. He knew how to control his anger management issues, he knew how to be calm again.

He was close though, that day. You were in class, picking on him for something he didn’t even know about. Omi just laughed, trying to play the whole thing off as a joke as you tried to get him mad.

You always hated how, placid, Omi was. He never fought back and didn’t have the drive your other friends did. It was confusing, he was clearly passionate about his hobbies, so it’s not like he lacked energy. He’s yelled before, but always out of exaggeration or acting. Omi was a gentle giant, but you wanted to see him angry, for once.

When you said something particularly embarrasing, Omi’s eye twitched as his heart rate sped up. His blood pressure rose when people started laughing, taking the fun out of the joke when the attack suddenly felt serious. Omi was about to snap, say something he knew he’d regret before he took in a deep inhale through his nose, and exhaled through his mouth. In and out, just like his therapist taught him.

Omi just laughed, much to your chagrin. What was there to laugh about? How could someone be so composed, no matter what?

You gave up, not noticing Omi’s tight fists and practiced breathing next to you. Omi refused to get angry, Omi hated getting angry.

University was closed because of quarantine. Omi missed seeing his friends and often relied on texting now to stay in touch. Omi wouldn’t say he was clingy, but he definitely liked sending messages and shared everything on his mind as the older brother figure. You didn’t seem to like that.

You: Why do you always come to me for these situations if you don’t even listen to me?

Omi stared at his phone screen, confused. Why were you suddenly angry? Everything was going so well, you hadn’t lashed out at him in forever. It was before quarantine, you were enjoyable when you weren’t suddenly mad at him. Omi typed, furrowing his eyebrows.

Omi: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you mad.

You had sent a message immediately, something about how you couldn’t listen to his rant today and left. Omi was distraught, had he said something wrong? Omi scrolled through his messages, but it’s like you got angry out of no where. Did you like doing this?

Omi muted your contact. For once in his life, he felt like maybe this wasn’t his fault, this time. You exploded on him when he was sharing a vulnerable moment, it almost offended him to the point of writing a long message to show he was hurt.

Never mind that, Omi just dialed it down. Maybe, his friends didn’t want to hear all about his problems, maybe he pushed too much onto them. Omi breathed out, bringing his pointer finger up eye as he pulled it back, seeing the glisten of a tear. Without warning, Omi felt himself start producing tears out of frustration. Omi didn’t know why he was so emotional, it had been so long since he felt emotions this intensely after the many, many one–sided arguments.

Omi laid his head down on his pillow, trying to stop crying. Omi didn’t like all the fights, pretending like it didn’t bother him, that you found it funny to try and test his patience. Omi hated anger, Omi hated getting angry.

But, this time, Omi wasn’t even angry. Omi was just confused why you were angry at him all the time.

You tried messaging Omi the next day. At first, he tried ignoring it, wanting to get some satisfaction from being the petty person for once. But, he relented, getting back in the same cycle.

You seemed to be avoiding the topic of what happened. Omi felt confused, and wanted to resolve the slight tension. Omi apologized first, and for once, you even said sorry back! You explained why what Omi did was hurtful (Omi really didn’t understand, but he tried to), and Omi responded in a similar fashion.

(You ignored it. You sent him a meme.)

Was it fair to say his feelings were hurt? Did his feelings matter to you? Omi sighed, knowing this was the best he was going to get. You were probably just emotionally drained like he was. At least, you weren’t angry.

It was the next day, and Omi snapped.

No, scratch that, it had been mere hours before you got angry at him in a groupchat. For once, Omi’s friends were defending him, saying he was just making funny associations with some T.V. show Taichi made him watch and it was all fun and games. You got angry, saying you felt uncomfortable being associated with a character and that Omi always remembered things based on colors.

Omi stared at his phone screen, again. Omi just liked colors, he hated to admit it, but colors often were essential to his memory. So, no wonder he got into photography! It was just a different way of thinking, and Omi tried explaining that as best as he could. But, he could tell even the others knew his patience was on thin ice as he monotonously texted back.

Omi: Please calm down, it’s just a joke. I wasn’t personally trying to attack you at all. Why are you angry?

You had responded, again and again until Omi sighed, resigning himself to apologize rather than play into your games. Was this all a test? Why were you angry so soon after you two apologized to each other?

Omi said sorry, and you stopped saying anything. Later in the day, you tried to send him multiple memes you knew would make him laugh. Omi just left them on read, trying to go through his day without lashing out at you after the whole episode. It was one thing to fight with him privately, but in the group chat? Omi almost felt betrayed.

Omi was overcome with rage. Omi was just re–reading the messages before his vision went red. His blood was boiling, his heartbeat was drumming in his ears. It had been so long since Omi felt like he wasn’t in the wrong, like the argument wasn’t his fault. Omi sat up, trying to massage his temples as he breathed in and out. But, they came out uneven and haggard, making him even more on edge as he held his head in his hands.

Why was this the last straw? You had fought with him over worse, but this time, Omi couldn’t control his emotions as well as he wanted to. You starting fights with him wasn’t okay, it’s not fine. Stubbornness couldn’t excuse the mental drain he felt every time he talked to you and the way he’d tip–toe around everything instead of talking freely, like he deserved.

Omi picked up his phone, and texted you, despite all his anger.

Omi: I think we shouldn’t talk to each other for a while. I’m tired of being angry all the time. I’ve worked too hard to sacrifice all the progress I’ve made for myself to be calm, you can’t take that away from me. I don’t want to be angry at you, I just want to be friends. Please, let’s talk again when you don’t see me as your inferior, but a friend.

Omi muted you for good and didn’t bother checking your messages. Maybe you won, you got him mad, but Omi felt the anger in him fade away as he realized there’d be no more arguments, fights, or sides to choose tomorrow.

Omi was tired of saying sorry when he didn’t mean it. Sure, he hated anger and getting angry, but sometimes, Omi needed it to say “no”.

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