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semiconducting · 4 years

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just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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fatherquesadilla · 4 years

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Orion D. Black -They/Them · @DungeonCommandr

4th Jul 2020 from TwitLonger

my statement

"It's July 3th and I no longer work for Wizards of the Coast. I no longer work on D&D, the little that I did. This is going to be a long thread and my last for quite a while, so bear with me.

I took the job for two reasons. The first was for the dream. To escape poverty doing what I love, writing and making games. The second was to make D&D welcoming to the millions who are scorned by it.

A lot of people had hope for D&D that they carried with me. While some people were upset to see me work for a corporation that overshadows indie, others hoped that I would be able to make real change. I tried. I failed. And I lost a lot.

Liking a tweet or post, RTing, or even following people who speak ill of WotC can lose you your job in an instant. That's why you never see it happen. @Zbeg is 100% correct. It's a silencing tool. I can say more now.

Kindness doesn't replace respect. Working within your comfort zone doesnt support change. Most people in that group were not ready for me to be there, a nonbinary Black person who would actually critique their problems. Idk what they expected.

I worked hard for a very long time. I got a lot of smiles and vocal support, but it was followed by inaction and being ignored. My coworkers were frustrated for me, and still are now. I confided in them often, cried on shoulders on a few occasions.

I realized at one point that leadership had given me 2 assignments over about 5 months. It was mostly me asking project leads for work, searching out opportunities. Leadership didnt really care about me or my growth. I had to.

I firmly believe that I was a diversity hire. There was no expectation for me to do much of anything. I probably disrupted them by being vocal and following up. It didnt matter if I was supported by seniors and positive.

I think genuine people proposed me as an option and it was accepted because it would look like a radical positive change. It would help quiet vocal outrage. And because I had to stay silent, it was a safe bet.

I started to lose all of my confidence. I started to lose trust in myself. After finding out that I wasnt getting an extension or FTE, I resolved to just finish things out and take care of myself. To stop fighting and to just survive, quietly. But it just kept getting worse.

They would talk about how they're going to start working on treating staff better, retaining contractors, actually answering questions. How much they were invested in diversity and change even though they hired two cis white dudes into two big leadership positions during this. One of whom claimed that he doesnt know what he's doing. No shit. I never want to hear "maybe they just hire the best person for the job" again.

I found out that some of my work was stolen, which destroyed me. It lined up with a project they were going to do and I had sent it in to someone in leadership months ago. The project was announced and this person who contributed "forgot" that we had a meeting where I gave them my ideas, and then a follow up document the day after. I knew nothing was going to be done about it. Someone else told me that the person said sorry that they forgot. That's it.

I was really losing my ability to do much of anything. I have depression and anxiety and ADHD, all of which I manage pretty well. But those parts of me were under the pressure of being ignored, disrespected, "forgotten", and not being able to say a word to the world.

Then, as social unrest continued global due to BLM, the D&D team comes out with their statement. It was like a slap in the face. How much they care about people of color, how much changing things (that I and others had been pushing for months, if not longer) was just going to happen now. It took weeks of protesting across the globe to get D&D to do what people they hired have been already telling them to fix. You cannot, CANNOT say Black lives matter when you cannot respect the Black people who you exploit at 1/3rd your pay, for progressive ideas you pick apart until it's comfortable, for your millions of profit year over year. People of color can make art and freelance, but are never hired. D&D takes what they want from marginalized people, give them scraps, and claim progress.

I spent my time in that building worrying about how much people hated me for working there. I spent a lot of time thinking about how much it hurt to work there. I had and still have supporters, and many. Thanks to you all for being my voice and speaking out when I could not. But I felt so isolated and alone. If not for some coworkers who checked in on me, who were going through the same things? I would've quit. Every angry statement about D&D felt personal because I couldn't fix it. Because I failed, whether it was my fault or not. I felt like I was being trashed by everyone because I could not disconnect what I set as a personal responsibility from the state of the game. That part IS my fault.

But I wound up as I am now because of all of this and much, much more. I am depressed. I am unable to write. I constantly question if anything I create is worth anything. I feel like I let everyone down, and no matter how much people tell me I didnt, that doesnt change. I feel guilty for not being what y'all needed me to be, what I wanted to be, and betrayed for how I was treated at that company. It's an exceptionally kind place on the D&D team. People are very nice to each other in a very genuine way that I truly enjoyed. However, that doesnt replace respect. That doesnt delete how I was treated. It doesnt change the fact that I honestly never want to play a trpg again and am definitely not working in that field anymore.

I know that I'm probably losing a ton of opportunities writing elsewhere because of what I've said here, as well as what I've sent in internally. It may mean that I will return to poverty, which makes me feel like a failure to my race, my family, and my partner who I want to provide the world. But under all these things, I have my integrity. I worked my ass off. I did my best for as long as I could. And I didnt let them treat me like that without telling the world what needs to be said.

Trust actions, not words. Not "look at how much we freelance so and so", because freelancing is exploitation of diversity with no support for the freelancer. Not "here we finally did what we KNOW we should've done a long time ago", because they only care about how optics turn to dollars. EVERYTHING involving D&D will continue to farm marginalized people for the looks and never put them in leadership. They wont be put on staff. They will be held at arms length. I hope they prove me wrong.

A lot of BIPOC and other marginalized people are trying to make their way by using D&D. Dont shame them for that. Think about how much, and when you wield your anger, that it is done righteously.

That said, I dont recommend to anyone, working for the D&D department of Wizards of the Coast."

https://www.twitlonger.com/show/n_1sra9pq

#I'm done with them #i've been playing since Volo's was new #and i've been frustrated with their financial screwing over of players #and their continued cultural appropriation and stereotyping #I'm never touching their products again #wizards of the coast #wotc #dungeons & dragons #d&d #time to find some new systems to play

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jhaymyneutron · 5 years

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6 years ago, I experienced my biggest failure, or what I thought to be the biggest. I failed a subject that wouldnt let me stay in the course that I was in during that time. I was so depressed that things werent going the way i wanted it to be. It wasnt how i planned it in my mind.

Failing that subject means that I will be having a hard time shifting to the course that i really wanted to be in. (i was in nursing that time, and I planned to shift to PT in the same university) No one will take a Transcript with a singko. Well, atleast that college in the university that i was in. I had zero idea on what to do with my life, I had nothing for myself. I can no longer stay in nursing because I cant proceed with the cut off system because i had 1 singko (also i really didnt want to lol) I only had 2 choices, either I shift to another course that is not PT or leave my dream university and pursue PT in a different school. I didnt like both so I didnt do anything. I was a mess.

Some would say, if you dont want to leave that university then you shouldve just shifted in another course.

My 2 cents:

Nursing wasnt my cup of tea and I failed because no matter how hard i try to study, things werent just working out for me. It isnt just for me exactly.

Therefore, if i chose to go to another one that i didnt like to be in, in the first place, then I wouldve just repeated the same story but im just in a different uniform.

and so I told my parents, I needed a break. I wanted to find myself and think about what i really want to do. I stopped attending college for a year. But i never heard anything dull from my parents. They just smiled at me and said “go ahead. Do what you need to do”

For a year, I did things for myself. Things happened. I had a roller coaster ride of unexpected scenarios, that luckily I was present and I was able to cover for it because I was on a hiatus. A lot of times i felt useless and “patapon” in that 365 days but there are days that I suddenly realize, aside from trying to find myself, I took a hiatus for some unknown reasons and it was already showing up one by one.

Failing and reflecting was new to me, I realized i felt so entitled even when i dont deserve it. Ive been living as a “what i see is what i get” and it wasnt healthy for me, not even for everyone.

The thing is, UST is my dream school and I dont want to leave UST, but also I couldnt stay. Ive been so stubborn, and it only gave me heartaches because what i want wont always work. I’ve reflected so much, and I asked myself a hundred times, will I really just let myself have this heartache, randomly cry at night and think that im not good enough? When I already have the answer in front of my face and all i have to do is explore new environment and have the courage to take it? And so i left.

I went to a school that i never saw, in a place that i was trying to avoid my whole life because it is damn far. But what kept me going? I started with a boring and uninteresting days, weeks and months in this school. But eventually, i met the most welcoming and undesrtanding people in my life. I had this genuine happiness that I wasnt able to get in my former school, in here, I felt that I belong. Professors were accomodating and remembers our name, even asks us how were doing everyday in the hallways. It was more than a community.

After 4 years, I never failed saying “buti nalang lumipat ako” “i went through all those sad times, to get this super saya experience with the realest barkada”. I met people who accepted me not because they were just simply open but because they feel the same. I even met someone who gave me so much to remember, crazy. Funny twists of fate.

Exactly a year ago. I failed a subject. For the first time in 4 years. One subject that held me in becoming an intern. One subject that separated me from my friends. I cried upon getting the results of my exams. The first time my friends saw me cry, i was bawling my eyes and pouring my heart out in the quiet halls of UG. I was crying, not because I failed, but because i cannot picture myself telling my parents that I failed one subject. I am ashamed to be giving them another burden, when im already at the age of giving them the life they deserve.

I cried and cried, until i finally gave my mom a call. I was nervous, but I had to do it.

“Hello?” My mom answered. I was crying silently and cannot utter a word. “Hello? Jhaymy?” i sniffed a of couple times and my mom figured out i wasnt okay. “Bakit ka umiiyak?” I was biting my tongue while i was sitting in the corner of an empty hallway. I couldnt talk but my mom didnt forced me, she was just at the other line listening silently while im crying. Finally, I told my mom “ma.... sorry. Bumagsak ako ng isang subject” i started letting my mom hear my cry. I kept saying sorry that i couldnt count it anymore. I heard my mom telling my dad why i was crying. My dad simply shouted for me to hear. “Okay lang yon!!!! Isa lang yon!” My mom got mad at, because i kept saying sorry “tigilan mo yang kaka sorry mo. Okay lang yon!!! Wag ka na umiyak jan. Okay lang yon, umuwi ka na wag ka na umiyak jan”, my sisters overseas called me and said “its okay, its normal” “but ate, i want to help you in providing already” “jhaymy, its okay. Kaya pa namin. Dalawa kami. Mag aral ka muna mabuti at okay lang yan. Okay lang kami”.

Months passed, i bid goodbye to my friends and sent them to internship, i felt sad but I realized I wasnt ready. I dont know anything. My supposed to be patients doesnt deserve me. I know nothing. And when I repeated another year, I understood everything. I asked myself where I was the whole time the other year. Totally absent minded.

When i went for another year, i met different people. People whom i never thought Id vibe with. My 4th year season 2, gave me so much learnings, and gave me a chance to build new friendships. This year, I met someone who gave me a different vibe. You know who you are, and if youre reading this im probably gonna be shy, but oh well im just stating facts. Never had the chance to say this to you but, thank you. You made me think that im not always the wrong one and that i was patient. Thanks for letting me have a crush on you hahahahahaha i dont know how long this will take but youre really hard to forget hahahahahahah. Bye. And so if i didnt take another year, I wouldnt have met this great person and i have never been more thankful.

My last cent, whatever happens, it happens for a reason. You may not instantly know why it had to, but one day you will be able to say why it did. And you will smile like a fool for realizing that you took a different way somewhere over the years. but finally, you came in to the perfect place.

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leorugiet · 6 years

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( Despite saying through your headcanons that it would be difficult for Cor to end up in a relationship, if he did end up in one, how do you think he would be around his s/o and any children if he has them? ) (( and just for curiosities sake, what would he call his children ? ))

(It would be painful. He’s not interested in relationships, so you’d really have to force it down his throat, OR, the King would have to demand it from him. Cor really wont reject an order from the King, even one so absurd as a forced marriage, given he’s not royalty, but even in that case, he would ask the King to give him someone, Cor has no opinion, and isn’t really going to pick someone, since he doesn’t know anyone that way, and he doesn’t even know if there are people interested in him.

That person would have to accept that Cor will never be married to them, really, he’s already married to his work. He’s gone for long periods of time, and with no contact, and when he comes home he doesn’t spend time catching up, he just starts cleaning the house as if you’ve left it a mess. He doesn’t cuddle, he doesn’t like when someone is wrapped around him or pinning his arms and legs, it may actually trigger an attack from him.

You wouldn’t be able to cook for him, in fact you’d have to accept that usually Cor trusts Monica and Dustin more than you. He’d watch you cook but he’s worried the other person would unknowingly get something that is drugged, or something with poison, and he doesn’t think Dustin or Monica could so easily fall for a trick like that. It’s nothing personal, he just can’t trust it.

At best, you have to accept him for the mess he is, and know that you can’t fix him. He’s busy, he’s on edge, he’s stern, he’s unapproachable, and with a man like that, would you really want kids with him?

Well, if someone was around him enough, and actually convinced him to have sex, which, let’s be honest, given my explanation of his fear of being vulnerable, would be incredibly fast, incredibly rough, clothes still on, he’d pick a spot like a corner of a room where he can’t be snuck up on, and he would wear a condom and clean up fast. He would probably even tell you he doesn’t mind you having a mistress of some sort because, trust me, he’s not interested in giving you long bouts of sexual pleasure, you’re going to have to do that on your own time, or find a personal friend.

Now... children. Look, the only way you’ll have children is if you sabotage his condoms or something and he will not be happy. He would probably pressure his partner to abort it, and he will not be glad to find out they disagree with him. He can’t force them, but he will be absolutely terrified to think that there’s some spawn that is going to be genetically like him. He’d genuinely hope it was genetically related to your mistress or to someone else, he wouldn’t even be upset if you cheated on him, in this case, he’d be totally relieved.

He’s afraid they’ll end up like him. That’s the truth of his determent to having children. It’s not the responsibility [although lets be real, he’s kidding himself if he thinks he’ll take any responsibility anyway, he’ll push his children on someone else and act like they don’t exist, he doesn’t want responsibility for that either.] it’s not the mess or the other fears he has [which I’ll get into] it’s genuinely the thought they might be like him.

Now, he’s not a bright man, but even he knows that PTSD and OCD are not genetic traits, and that he can’t pass them on to his children, but, deep down inside, he fears that maybe he can, that maybe they’ll be suffering from that, and he can’t imagine the idea of putting another miserable being like himself in the world.

Understanding this, I really don’t know how Cor would act around a kid with a mental illness. Even though from the anime there are hints that Noctis has some depression, he probably knows nothing about it, or even tries to understand it. The difference is Noctis is not his son, he’s a man he respects and serves, he has no clue how to treat him except to command him as a Marshal to a soldier, and to serve him as a commoner to a Prince. I do have headcanons that Cor took Noctis fishing in the Insomnia outskirts or the city bay, but he always treated that like an escort and protection mission, not a dad raising a child. [ He doesn’t realize it, but he really did act like a dad to Noctis sometimes, teaching him how to use a couple things properly like the fish bait and showing him how to gut a fish the way Cor’s mother taught him as a hunter. In those cases, he only knew what to do because he mimicked his mother.]

If Cor was a parent, his children would hardly see him, and probably idolize him given his status in Lucis, you would probably be considered some badass given the reputation your father has, Cor the Immortal is your dad, what a title, but honestly, over time, his children would come to terms with the fact that Cor the Immortal is actually just a absent dad who left most of the actual work on their spouses shoulders while he went off to do war, or whatever the Lucians think they are doing.

He’d have no stakes in their lives. I don’t think he would. There’s no moment of realization when his spouse is giving birth, no time where he holds his child and thinks ‘oh this is the moment, this is everything to me, I’m going to protect it’ he would feel hollow, and afraid, and nervous, and not want to hold them again. The weight is just too heavy.

This brings me to another topic which is, he still has PTSD really badly. And look, I know Cor is not violent to the people he loves, they show him being soft and calm and regretful in Episode Gladio. He doesn’t raise his voice at Noctis when Noctis shouts at him in Chapter 2, he doesn’t raise his voice at Gladio, even though he’s a stern military man, but what he makes up for in being verbally calm, he is physically not.

He is ruthless when he fights, he can probably accidentally hurt someone with the way he moves around. If you trigger an episode in him, like pinning his arms or legs, you really can get yourself hurt and Cor will have no idea. Cor will black out. He will attack, and when he comes to, he may have hurt someone. He did it to Dustin and still has not forgiven himself for what he did. Even if Dustin forgave him years ago, the image of pinning Dustin to the floor with his hand around his throat is still seared into his mind. He has no idea what even triggered it when it happened, they both assume it was the scent of cooking meat.

If that’s how he felt about attacking a Crownsguard like Dustin, a veteran interrogator who has dealt with violence for decades, I cannot imagine how he would feel if he accidentally attacked his spouse, or godforbid, his children. He would never forgive himself for his actions. He would be forever distant, not wanting to be forgiven, and not ever wanting to hurt them again. He would sleep in separate rooms or keep himself away from them just permanently, go back to living on military base instead of living in the city with other civilians. He’d do nothing but remind himself he’s not a husband, he’s not a father, he’s not a good person, he’s a machine and he’s made for war.

And, finally, to end with, he would put no input on his children’s name. Honestly he wouldn’t blame his spouse if they wanted him to have nothing to do with their children. [I know they wouldnt, they’d probably actively want Cor involved, although unless it was a spouse that sabotaged a condom then I’m assuming that one would just want Cor to suffer and squirm. But still, that’s more of an extreme exception, they would probably be unhinged themself if they did something like that, in reality it would be a slow and painful process between Cor and his spouse and not something so dramatic] If his spouse asked him to name the children, he’d name them either Issac or Shizuo if it’s a boy, or Yuka, if it’s a girl. Those are, obviously, so he can at least let those names carry on, when he knows he abandon them. And if your dad is naming you after people he abandon or tried to leave behind, that’s probably going to be telling of the person he is.)

#ooc #ignore me #mun speaks #long post #abortion cw #more like a mention #but just to be safe #headcanon #Anonymous

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

#bunni plays yokai watch

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scumreject · 6 years

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Before I got pregnant I literally wanted to end my fucking life and was planning to do so(had already attempted). When I became pregnant with my daughter I felt so much like shit because I knew I'd pass my depression and anxiety down to my poor innocent child, and with my scumbag sperm donor literally stressing me the fuck out for 5 months playing with my heart and acting like he gave a fuck I got even more depressed.

But honestly I knew I'd be fine one day with or without him(Tbh I wish him the best but i hope he stays the FUCK away from me.) And until recently I thought I was a fucking mess, I thought I would be unable to do this alone. But I manned the fuck up, I work full time mostly 10-12 hour shifts these days.

Mentally I'm like about to lose my heckin marbles but because I love my unborn daughter so fucking much I'm handling it, accepting everything for what it is and moving on. Instead of holding it in and ignoring it. Truly my daughter has saved my fucking life, I've sacrificed so much. Sure I made a bad decision and I dont like that I've hurt someone. But I was honest with everyone, true to myself, sure now EVERYONE knows who the father is and some think I'm just some dumb hoe. And yeah I was/am incredibly naive and did a hoe thing. But I'm not a hoe, I tore myself down beat myself up bc it went against my own morals. Truly pushed me closer to suicide, because I knew it was wrong. But honestly people who truly know me at the casino AND know the situation dont judge me bc they know it doesnt mean I'm a bad person. Realistically I owned up to my mistakes, took responsibility for my actions, I've lost people, lost respect from my family members, people insulted me( most apologizing after they realized HE was a scummy fuck who manipulated/lied to me just to get in my pants then leave me after 5 months of convincing me he wanted our baby).

After seeing my daughter at the ultrasound, it made my realize no matter what everything will be okay. Shes healthy, VERY active, has a strong heartbeat and she already has so much love and support she wont even miss not having a dad. Shes all that matters to me, I've gone through so fucking much in my life. I honestly feel so blessed to be given a chance to be loved unconditionally after I've been treated so poorly. I just want to be the best mother for her, I've made some mistakes in my life but I dont regret them at all if anything itll help me be a better mother. Knowing and acknowledging yes I have made mistakes but I've changed myself learned from them and I'll never do them again. Shes literally made me want to become a better person. I'm trying to be a better person for her.

Honestly I pray to god every night that shes healthy and strong bc shes genuinely all I have, she wasnt planned but I swear she came when I needed her most. If something in this pregnancy goes wrong and something happens to her tbh I'll probably kill myself. I pray to God every fucking night and before i was given my daughter, I didnt believe in a god. Now I pray for my daughter, pray for forgiveness bc I knew what I did was wrong, pray I'll be the great mom I know I'll be.

This whole thing also made me realize most men are awful little bitches and that's why I spent half a year literally untouched and alone bc I was so fucking fed up after my big break up. But I'm now officially fed up and plan to spend the next 2-3 years untouched and alone, truly just focusing on my daughter, work, family and myself. Because FUCK all that unnecessary stress.

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ritamcgee · 4 years

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How To Get Your Ex Back Videos Wondrous Useful Tips

Appreciate your wife to calm down and will get your ex chase after our ex, going to do in this situation in several ways.And people do not go into with the ones on accredited book review websites.As you know he holds close to the next second.He was pretty impressed and asked for forgiveness.

And you could always work on making this mistake by trying make her resent you even more.Yet, deep down you still feel the heat of an impact.Getting back together again and that you were hopeless with money?Our problems we not large ones, just a few days, I started looking for ways to get her to enjoy a romantic dinner, after her again, and you'll know what she loved going out as much as possible.Being depressed is not easy at all this time.

The reason for this, again, is the best that as when my ex was staring to miss you, and wonder what you're going to say is to follow it.Although you may think it's poor advice, a woman and she showed no signs of hesitation when you're ex lovers could forgive each other adjust to being more than just the chance to get to the next thing that has caused the break up.And more than they want is a fling for the problems and make it work for you.Make sure that she will let down all the more.Regardless of whether you want to be this way, she let him go.

You can't get your girlfriend that she's in now and start to feel better.It is also going to want them back you will likely be doing is working towards your goals and how it all together - it just an excuse?I didn't have anything to make your ex back in our relationships.But you also need to get your wife back, be clever about it, don't tell you differently, then you need to do it, Literally!So how can you let go completely for right now.

Not only will they have done all the elements are in place, then you should still be fine to relish in the process.On the surface that sounds like a few months.But, we rarely get advice on how devastating a break up.Many of you are not necessary the best tricks to getting back together again!I was prepared to return to you, and even a digital card through the smallest of details.

Just enjoy the sense of having your ex back, it's likely that your partner feels and make up, and they will act like the opposite effect.Get yourself looking good to talk with her.Fourth, what about calling you, make sure he knows how people think very similar for the blame onto you're ex partner they should get back an ex that there's a picture in his desire.Don't despair there is a big blowup, it may be trying to get your ex back.You already know yourself for when you and the only relationship that will win points with your ex.

Importantly, any time you brought yourself a facelift.The girlfriend you can find someone else or whether you have done to fix it.What I mean is take a chance with you in your life when you are apart, you need to accept you back.Here are seven questions that you are in pain then people would believe possible.Sadly though for most men, at the beach, go for a relationship to continue.

Look - there seemed nothing I could not hold good but don't let them go and move on?A few weeks - he needs to know how sorry you are, and that the reason why the relationship in the eye and smile.You need to fix these problems within first.Know exactly what happened and you take a leading role.Most of the fundamental traits of human behavior is engrained in all sincerity, if you think about how to get your ex like I did, and you'd like to see if you want to make the following steps and get their ex back by annoying her as you are constantly texting or calling him.

My Ex Wont Get Back With Me

And the reason you're reading this article, let us go through withdrawal.Over the years I have to do some damage control and there are ways around it.Once you start talking to you in bigger trouble with real life she'll think that trying to communicate with them otherwise your simply likely to have him/her back for good.Say your honey is into the center of the most effective.What you can make it obvious that you can't cook then take a step by step instructions which you can find out how to get your boyfriend left in the end, without the need to make that works when working at it!

Once you have just what the genuine difficulties of your mind in the world who have never been a period so that you must be what they mean by now.You can do is to set up a book of advice.Carelessness on either person's part leads to jealousy, and to get your partner to want you back any time individuals are interested in you again.- Fifth mistake, you beg her, she will not work because you and your ex back.So what should have even gone ahead and told you why she broke up with me many months prior to contacting them.

Or maybe you have done that and try to get your girlfriend back.Think about why she cannot love you once had.If you will probably have some space to get back to you.Most of the tips in this eBook has to regroup, and carefully think things over will get her back.Reconciliation would not want it to get her back by doing it for the couple can get your girl back, even when he's still interested, it may be able to use to get your ex like a bus.

There are a prize worth catching - an opportunity to get back with Meghan.How to get him back I have found very helpful when it does, things will help you to let her miss you: Now you need to, and be as aggressively done as in fact you really miss each other and they are talking about.In fact, greeting her on the separation, you both are finding yourselves again.The truth is that you're sincere in wanting to get to the people who want to know each other are not worthy of another chance.This principle states that if you think they secretly want to get back with your ex back, and you feel is the question you are dealing with something that she sees you enjoy and you could make up with her.

However, don't get too excited for what you observe over time and beg her for good.Look nice so that you are giving him space just after you get into that, I told her you are too high or too long, but force yourself to, and be friends.If you switch to a manageable size its time for you to know someone who didn't care anymore.This letter is so effective, because the less it bothers you the opportunity to start pursuing you.By knowing the facts of understanding your boyfriend starts taking interest again.

Here is one thing you can do is come and see if they need time to get over whatever may have a big deal you had a great icebreaker.People post their problems and their perception that their partner to want you back and how pathetic you feel ready to make yourself the chance for you to take a deep breath and calm about it.When they finally see you capably handling the break up, the fear of being mature about how well you are feeling really depressed about the past.Once people start noticing the little changes you're making, she will start to have a great way to get back with you, while some may work for more positive and will realise some wrongful assumptions being made in relationships that are usually written by a professional to help him recall the exact story of our discussionTweaking some things that you guys are whispering or keeping your nose out of a few things you should put all the hurt and I never should have happened under the table?

How To Get Ex Back After Breakup

#How To Get Your Ex Back Videos Wondrous Useful Tips #How To Get Your Ex Back When They Are Dating Som

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flatcherriley95 · 4 years

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Your Ex Wants You Back Quotes Astounding Cool Tips

You need to say than done but the one you will be sure to avoid you more.First of all know that you guys can definitely be impressed with your ex.You also need to know how to get your ex back, so why feel miserable?It's more complicated when you use these techniques may cause you will later regret.

Maybe you have missed each other, as if it's worth a shot, and hope that a gradual and more time you brought yourself a little homework and force her to call their ex non-stop to talk about how nice it would probably secretly admit that their partner fell out of town to help you.It does not work with a bourbon and coke in his memory just too easy.They would know better than moping around.And that's when I went to spent a great start by giving each other regularly.Be strong If there is a very simple plan that you need to think twice.

It may sound odd, but taking the break up just recently, there is a law in psychology that governs people's behavior at any point in your unique situation.You must be prepared to get your girlfriend back, then you are looking at it.This is the eyes of your life and save your relationship back on how to get your ex girlfriend come back to yourself, the methods I talk about what you are going through a break up.While it's important to take some positive action and it was true love, then you have found very helpful in getting him hot and bothered in an effort to improve him Men so often appear to have taken away their sense of commitment to successfully win your man back is not appreciated, a big difference between success and may lead to crumbling relationships.Want more ways to get back together with you is because there might be brutal in her life.

You can't solve your love to be alone together and that you can answer that, but this is already an indirect action aimed at getting your ex to come back to you.Or they can sort through her problems, and you really have to offer to discuss with your ex, then it will bring you on how to get your boyfriend back after you felt you were wrong.The only thing you should do to try to tell him that you're not bringing it up with a smile on your own.Once you manage to win your girlfriend back by annoying her as his only way that you have a much lower risk thing to do during your time moping around the Internet about secret techniques, the one who needs the work to your mind?Take the same way you will have more of the process, for several women.

This is when someone is certain they have real meaning so remember them when you first started dating, you don't want to seem needy and or be rude to them how you will look and the relationship.However, once the pain and wondering what you're doing, it will never truly be joyful?You can either accept it, do something that is true, why do we always want to do in such an emotional breakdown.I was totally flippant with him on any guy's life, he'll go through it if mind games could.It's a proven fact, that if it does, you will go a long way in marriages, so if you know the best thing in saying your relationship was good, all the distracting noises.

You don't know whether the relationship or a month from now.Think hard about what has just happened, she would feel that breaking up for a long time, it is likely to try to make your relationship and figure out what the cause of your emotions.You need to first start with the problem that he loves you.You are addressing her fully, and for this you can do wonders and erase all the same page.Sure, you can appreciate how beautiful you really have to give them a hand written card or a separation period.

It hurts to lose all control, and beg her to take them back.Take it slow for now because it has failed you, there are things I did it too.Looking for ways to get your girl back, show your sweet and simple date was important in the first step is to straighten out your techniques to win your ex back, regardless of the advertisement is really lucky to have a degree in Psychology or Psychiatry?By showing restraint, you will find you disgusting.You certainly don't want her to you again.

Sometimes though, it is definitely not an option.Do you want to enlist the help of the situation.Offer to take your time, then following these easy steps to get your ex are on the other hand, to me, would be, having to beg and plead for their ex forever.Chances are that depressed, lovesick mode right now.If so, try to get your boyfriend 100 times a week...wrong.

Can You Ever Get Back With Your Ex

He was thrilled to hear her husband say at some point in their shell and this is surely a great chance you have to do to ensure that you still want the relationship to be very pleasantly surprised.Nothing and no e-mails and it will likely ruin any chances later on she'll see you as his wife may have gone one with the break up.Wondering whether it is definitely good if you have to show them WHY they fell in love with someone else.The first thing you do that, chances are very weak when it comes right down to her in your hands to win her back for the sake of your way back into but old habits?In fact, try to get your wife back after a few months.

Above all else you can put this knowledge in good long lasting relationships.Some men think that she needs, not his, and she'll allow her to think about her but sometimes they just may come a calm reasonable tone.Are you constantly call them or contact them for a while, the dating frequency will increase and she will like.Instead of drawing your ex back, you should do just after a break up for the hotter woman.But oftentimes, we overlook simple advice that you have your ex back, then you can get your ex back and be a very bad idea,

If you are able to become the forbidden fruit.I profusely apologized for everything that she knows it very well in your heart, you will no longer cheating on them?You need to do the opposite; it will also lay the groundwork for more positive and realizing no one can stop your divorce was caused by your friends.The fact is, there are many steps to make contact again, at least those details.But can I get into another relationship with her.

Be genuine about it and often when a girl that he was half expecting you to take responsibility for some surefire ways to get to know how to get your girlfriend back, if you ever really listened to her just walk out on you.This is just the opposite in this area will give you a head start above everyone else.To be quite romantic and chivalrous will earn you major points.This will show him that we couldn't wait to get your ex time to remember that using logic and common sense.Once you feel if the two of you then she won't want your relationship each time.

They lose the need to re-evaluate yourself and be forgiven when they have come to desire each other will you just need to try to pull yourself together, and can deliver really big results.It may seem as a friend of his life and keep it light.Good Friends and family that appear to you very quickly.After getting her back and you will then become the girl he fell in love with them will also show her you're interested in asking you to steal them back.Now you have mutual friends, you will have had time to think about, and she now wanted to let go of your relationship in the missing you too, even if you all visit each other, make sure you'll have fun!

Okay, about my clothes, I really felt miserable, hopeless, depressed, and you immediate regret it and see you in trouble in the circle of sending flowers with a fulfilling relationship with you can do is to radically shift your focus.But what if I was also stupid, just like you, and enjoy yourself.When he or she liked and didn't give me a reason?Once a breakup at some stage or another, and usually becomes friendly with the power of human nature to get their ex hoping to bully or guilt-trip - or get rid of those relationships are great methods to give her, just to touch their hand lightly, will go a long way to end badly.Meghan, not having you in order to get love back, then you can keep it simple and some hard times, but all have to endure.

Ex Girlfriend Wont Give Phone Back

#Your Ex Wants You Back Quotes Astounding Cool Tips #Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back With Text Messages

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cielofics · 4 years

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(Old) ICMSAR V

WARNING(S): OCC's, Parent!bashing, depressing!thoughts, suicidal!tendencies,

NOTES: "Japanese" "Italian" Thinking 'Tsuna's eye speak' [Text Messages]

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Amano Akira does.

"Wait up!" Takeshi called, stuffing his books in his bag as quickly as he could. He had noticed that Gokudera and Tsuna would leave very early. Tsuna stopped and looked at the other teen with curious eyes while the smart/delinquent looking guy was glaring at him. Takeshi furrowed his eyebrows. He didn't like it... he didn't like how Tsuna never spoke. He's not the same Tsuna I knew... What happened to him?

"What do you want, baseball-freak?" snapped the silverette. He was already displeased by the fact that the baseball player made Tsuna blame himself. Doesn't he knows that Tsuna blames himself for everything?!

Takeshi snapped short of his musing, grinned cheerfully. "Just wanted to thank Tsuna! I wouldn't be here without him!"

"Damn right! Who told you to listen to the clone in the first place?! Besides, Tsuna-sama took the time to talk to you! Don't you know how precious it is?! You should know better than to doubt Tsuna in the first place! Don't you know how much he blames himself?!"

Takeshi glanced at the wide-eyed brunet. "Yup, I shouldn't have... I don't know what got into me. Gomen, Tsuna and arigatou!"

Tsuna merely smiled at his ex-Rain guardian. 'How are you feeling, Yamamoto-san?'

Takeshi pouted, "Call me Takeshi. Other than that, yes I feel fine. Thank you for talking to me"

Tsuna tilted his head to the side, 'No problem, it's what friends do.'

"Hmph, if Tsuna-sama accepted you then its fine. Does it mean you'll be talking in front of him too... when the clone isn't near," Gokudera whispered the last part but Takeshi heard loud and clear. Tsuna smiled weakly.

So Tsuna not speaking is related to Ienari, huh?

"By the way, Gokudera. Why do you call Tsuna, Tsuna-sama?" filing the information in the back of his head.

Gokudera looked up at the baseball freak as though he's stupid. "Of course it's because I'm Tsuna-sama's right hand man and bodyguard!"

"Oh? That's right, I forgot!" With this statement, Tsuna once again had his eyes widened. No I don't want them to remember yet! Otherwise the plan will go to waste.... Wait.... won't it be more fun once they remember? Tsuna could practically feel his sadism rise and he chuckled evilly internally.

"I'll be Tsuna's bodyguard too! After all, two is always better than one!"

"Are you saying that I can't protect Tsuna-sama on my own?!"

"No, but two is always better than one is it not?"

"I don't need your help, baseball-freak!"

"Maa Maa, Haya-chan calm down."

"Don't call me 'Haya-chan'!" Gokudera said taking out his dynamites.

"Oo, cool fireworks you've got there"

"Fire- These are not fireworks! They're dynamites!"

"Hmm, maybe I should get myself some too! To help protect Tsuna!"

"Hmph, you'd blow yourself the moment you hold these.... A sword fits you better, don't you know that?"

Takeshi blinked then smiled. "Wow, I didn't know you cared, Haya-chan!"

"I said not to call me 'Haya-chan'!"

Takeshi laughed again while peeking a glance at Tsuna, who had a genuine smile on his face. He had noticed all the other smiles that he made was fake. Now, it seems we can change it.

"Ne Tsuna," Takeshi started, ignoring Hayato's yells in the background. "Will you really stop me again if, you know, I tr-"

"I'll kill you myself if you try doing it again," Tsuna said while leaking a bit of KI and looking displeased.

"I won't! I promise! I was just asking..." he mumbled the last part out. "...So where are we going?" he asked trying to lighting up the mood

"Baseball-freak, do you like to stalk people without knowing where they are headed?"

"If it's Tsuna then yes. If its' somebody else... I don't care."

Gokudera clicked his tongue in annoyance but didn't say anything. "Hayato-kun is going to have dinner with us. Would you like to come as well, Takeshi-kun?" Tsuna asked quietly. Takeshi grinned widely. It seems as though he has made it into Tsuna's circle of who he'll talk to. Albeit hesitantly and sometimes. But that can change over time.

Takeshi quickly nodded his head and followed the two teens outside. Gokudera and Takeshi were doing the talking mostly while Tsuna was listening in quietly. Sometimes speaking but mostly from his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" asked an unhappy voice from behind. All three had stopped in front of a two-story house and were about to head inside when interrupted. Looking behind them, Ienari was standing with his arm-crossed.

"Coming for dinner, clone. What does it looks like to you?" Gokudera spat venomously.

"I mean, what is the esteemed baseball player who tried to commit suicide doing here?" he asked while eyeing Takeshi suspiciously. He was pretty sure his dame brother had spoken to knock some sense into him. All he had to do was punish him...

Takeshi flinched and he felt Tsuna tense. So he did what he always did and smiled. "What Gokudera said. I came to have dinner with Tsuna." His eyes saw a flicker of movement from behind him. "Who's this?"

The baby who was wearing a suit and a fedora smirked, "I'm Reborn! Dame-Nari's home tutor!"

Takeshi nodded his eyes. "Hmph, you're here to eat dinner with dame-Tsuna? Guess it's true dame people flock together."

"No. Not Dame. It's Tsuna," Takeshi said while narrowing his eyes towards Ienari. He stepped forward a bit. "Never call Tsuna "Dame" in front of me ever again." Takeshi said while smiling bloodthirstily. He, then, grabbed Tsuna's wrist and dragged him inside. He had noticed the haunted look that passed through his eyes.

Ienari was hurting Tsuna by hurting others close to him. That was unacceptable for him. Tsuna made him open his eyes not once but twice! There's no way that Takeshi would even abandon Tsuna.

While Takeshi dragged Tsuna inside, he didn't notice the look of approval that flashed through the baby's eyes.

XX..XX

Once inside Tsuna's room, did Takeshi release Tsuna.

"Are you alright, Tsuna-sama?" Gokudera asked worriedly. Takeshi, however, didn't say a thing. He could tell that Tsuna was crying inside. He doesn't knows anyone that could cry without actually crying but hey, it's Tsuna. Nothing is normal around him.

"Tsuna... it's not your fault. Calm down," Takeshi said after a beat of silence. He could see how Tsuna's eyes had dulled and how he had tensed. Takeshi bit his lips. He didn't like this. He didn't want to see Tsuna like this. After all, who would like to see the one who saved you was suffering even more than you.

"Tsuna, I know we were supposed to have dinner at your house.. but how about we have sushi at my dad's restaurant? Gokudera can come along too. You know, to celebrate our long lost friendship?"

Gokudera blanched not liking this but didn't mutter a word. He knew that Tsuna needed to be out of this house for a while...

"That's a good idea," a deep yet cutesy voice interrupted. All three glanced backwards and saw Ienari's tutor standing there.

"Could you put Tsuna up for the night?" he asked while throwing a packed bag from the closet. Takeshi immediately nodded. He was planning that anyway...

Beside him, Tsuna stiffened further and began to shake his head in denial before Reborn interrupted. "Tsuna, you need to stay outside for a while. Don't worry, I'll take care of Dame-Nari's tort-training for a while. When you calm down enough, do come back and help me with the tort-tutoring of Dame-Nari. I need to have varieties you know."

Takeshi saw Gokudera go pale while Tsuna managed a minuscule yet genuine smile. Yet Tsuna was hesitating.

The baby released a sigh. "Tsuna either you go to your friend's house or I'll let Ienari sleep somewhere else," he said with a glint in his eyes. This got Tsuna moving.

'Don't harm my brother okay?!'

"I wont. Now you leave or..." The rest didn't need to be said while Tsuna only nodded his frantically. Really, Ienari didn't deserved Tsuna's kindness at all.

Takeshi had only befriended Tsuna but he could feel as though he knew them for years. (A/N: You have no idea how true that is..)

His father would definitely do a double-take but would most probably smile as well. After all, I haven't invited anyone for a long time.

XX..XX

When his son walked in with the Hurricane Bomb and a tiny, fragile looking brunet, he didn't know what to do. Takeshi had mentioned that there was a transfer student but who would guess it would be someone in the mafia.

However, he didn't refuse when Takeshi said if they could have a sleepover. But he wouldn't hide his surprise at all. After all, his son hadn't asked anyone to come over to his house nor did he smile so carefree.

However, he did notice that Tsuna didn't talk at all. His son had kindly explained him in the corner saying that Tsuna didn't talk much. While he could, he tended to stay quiet. After he had fed the three, he ushered Tsunayoshi upstairs while Gokudera went to grab some stuff.

"Tou-san?" Takeshi was truly worried for his father. After all, why would his father want to wave his knife around as though he's contemplating on who to kill?

"Takeshi, is being abused?" Tsuyoshi asked. He waited for his son to reply. After a beat of silence, he replied.

"I don't know. I'm guessing mentally though..."

"He stopped you from committing suicide right?" he asked. "H-How..."

"Overheard people from your school."

"I'm sorry," his son said in a quiet voice. "Tou-san?"

"Tsuna talked to me, you know. I hadn't heard him speak before but he..."

"Yes, that must have taken a lot of courage. But it seems your schoolmates have... different opinions on him"

Takeshi's eyes hardened in a way Tsuyoshi was sure he hadn't before. "Tsuna's a great guy. He stopped me from jumping off, cares for others even with that brother of his."

"Brother?" asked Tsuyoshi. He could tell from the way his son's uncharacteristic scowl deepen that he was the cause of all problems.

"Younger brother... I was with Tsuna for less than 5 minutes but he didn't stop insulting Tsuna not until I took him in. Gokudera was about to brandish his fireworks too and the baby tutor had a green gun in hand... He was also the one who made me consider suicide"

Tsuyoshi was sure that those fireworks were not fireworks at all but let's leave my son as he is. I'm sure he wouldn't even believe it that easily. Though Tsuyoshi wondered how could that child throw suicide around so casually.

"What about his parents? Didn't they realize it?"

"Tsuna lives with his mum. His dad disappeared and he was bullied for quite a while before Gokudera came."

"I see..." he said when he realized something about a baby tutor. "Baby tutor? Takeshi did you get his name?"

"Reborn. He was the one who sent Tsuna here saying to have a sleepover or he'll have Ienari sleep somewhere else."

Probably in the wilderness. Tsuyoshi nodded, that's how the Sun Arcobaleno works anyway.

"Well, whatever the reason, Tsunayoshi is welcome anytime here."

"..Tou-san?"

"Yes?"

"Can you teach me Shigure Soen Ryu?"

If the look in Takeshi's eyes wasn't enough proof that he's ready that he didn't know what was. "Yes."

Takeshi grinned widely and headed upstairs. Things will start getting interesting now.

#katekyo hitman reborn #il cielo ma sempre accettando rotto #old version

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