#like one if the most well known quotes from the fuckin bible is about this exactly. it is so basic.

[lith-myathar]

Being obsessed with moral purity (and the appearance thereof) is far more likely to turn you into an abuser than a kind and compassionate person who cares for their community and there are so many cautionary tales about this in media and yet *gestures at all of social media*

[loplainlointhemorning]

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but what's up with the Courtney Love controversy? Why are people accusing her of manipulation or whatever? I'm totally new to this discussion

hey darling!! no worries, I love discussing Kurt & Court bc theyre my surrogate parents and they emotionally raised me when I had a difficult relationship w my Mom and Dad, plus I’m named after Kurt and he’s part of the reason I realized my ~gender~, so needless to say I have a surplus of information on them. Plus their music fucks. anyways, this is gonna be a masterpost-

my credentials(sources I have taken my information and formed my opinion on Kurt & Court’s relationship from if u need to look into them):

-Heavier Than Heaven(Book by Charles Cross, authorized by Kurt’s estate. Charles Cross is a well known grunge/music historian and has literally devoted his life to researching and writing rockstar biographies, including several on Nirvana. One of my favorite books ever.)

- Montage Of Heck(Documentary on Kurt’s life. Produced by his daughter, Frances. I have some heavy criticisms of this film and of the interviews in it, but it does have some reflections on Kurt and Courtney’s relationship that I think are important.)

- Hit So Hard(a documentary on Hole’s drummer, Patty Schemel. Minor discussions of Kurt and Kurt and Courtney.)

- Verse Chorus Verse(Fan-made documentary series on Kurt’s life, widely regarded by Nirvana fans the most in depth play-by-play biography that exists- and it’s free on YouTube, which is lit.)

sources I don’t pull from, but many younger Nirvana fans do(the people who buy into the conspiracies generally):

Kurt and Courtney- A documentary made in the late 90’s under the guise of biography, but is actually about the conspiracy theory that Courtney killed Kurt. I saw it when I was a new fan and I literally laughed out loud from how apeshit it was.

Soaked In Bleach- ‘Biopic’ about Courtney killing Kurt. I haven’t seen it but straight men who think Courtney is ugly take it more seriously than the Bible. Very little truth ever goes into these theories, besides maybe names and dates.

Anything Hank Harrison(Courtney’s father) has to say- He wrote a book on the subject. He also gave her acid and lost custody of her when she was three years old. He’s a shit parent and I doubt he’s actually seen his daughter since the 80’s.

Anything Buzz Osborne(Kurt’s friend, singer for the Melvins, a band Kurt looked up to in Montesano) says- I think Buzz’s opinion is taken way too seriously by a lot of the fan base, I read an interview of his criticizing Montage Of Heck because Kurt ‘didn’t really have a stomach disease’ and was just lying about it to get high, and also about how he hated having to see Courtney naked, and made a good long point about how disgusting her body is. IOn top of all that(none of which really has to do with critiquing the film...?), he mocked Kurt and called him a loser for committing suicide. I don’t care what your opinion on his stomach, his wife, or his music is, that shit is callous and idiotic, but totally reflective of the 70’s and 80’s mentality regarding the mentally ill. He’s part of the legion of pretentious punk dudes who *kind of* knew Kurt, who think Courtney’s the one who ‘corrupted’ him, which brings me around to answering your question.

So, there’s this idea regarding Kurt and Courtney’s relationship, which is pretty similar to the one surrounding Sid and Nancy’s(or at least used to.) Courtney is the whiny, annoying, petulant bitch who attached herself to the first trophy she could find, and through her terrible manipulative personality kept him with her and kept him from getting better. In this mode of thinking, She’s also the person who ‘started’ him on drugs, and in a few people’s eyes, the person who ‘forced’ him to have Frances.

The reality of the situation, as I see it, as someone who’s gone to pretty decent lengths to inform themselves on the subject, is that Kurt and Courtney’s relationship was toxic: But the toxicity was mutual. This doesn’t mean they were a “problematic” couple, or that they were abusing each other, or even that either one of them was ‘evil’, it means that they fell deeply in love as young trauma survivors with substance abuse issues and huge ambitions. That’s a lot to put on any relationship and it’s a lot to talk about, so I’m gonna split this into categories of complaints that you’ll hear pretty routinely as a new Nirvana/Hole fan.

1. “She got him into drugs!”

Courtney started on heroin in the late 80’s in L.A., when she was still playing with Sugar Baby Doll(her band with Jennifer Finch and Kat Bjelland). Kurt, as said in Heavier Than Heaven, tried heroin for the first time around 1988-1989(I don’t remember exactly.) At the time, he was still living with(though I don’t believe they were still dating) Tracy Marander. Because he was destitute, he didn’t have enough money to start forming an actual habit until Nevermind started gaining speed, and by the time he and Courtney started dating(they met a couple of times and phoned a couple of times before cementing a relationship) he had been taking it for a while. That’s the thing I think people look over when it comes to Kurt- He was embarrassed about his addiction and he hated the physical side effects, but he loved heroin.

Courtney says in Montage Of Heck that she had both tried and kicked heroin by the time she met Kurt, but I think the Heavier Than Heaven description is probably more accurate: That she did heroin socially, and her addiction worsened after the two of them began living together because Kurt was(in her own words) ‘obsessed with oblivion.’ She also said in Montage Of Heck that his dream was to ‘Get to three million dollars and become a junkie.’ She’s stated several times that her drug problems came out of a need for ‘comfort’, and Kurt was into getting so fucked he couldn’t do anything else(also confirmed by his friend, Dylan Carlson, who was also into heroin and did it with him often.)

On top of that, Courtney was the one who orchestrated interventions for Kurt, went through the process of reviving him when he’d overdosed, and broke his syringes/scared off his dealers to try and keep drugs away from him as much as possible. At one point, she even made a rule that no drugs were to be done in the house- So he started renting motel rooms and doing them there. It was she who was the head of his final intervention before he went missing.

If anything, Courtney is the person who tried her hardest to keep drugs away from both of them. Considering how much people still talk about her doing heroin while pregnant(which occurred very early on before she was aware of her condition), Kurt is the person who struggled the most to stay off drugs during her pregnancy and after Frances’ birth, even going so far as to hide in the bathroom from her while she was struggling with morning sickness so she wouldn’t know he was getting high.

2. “She manipulated him into dating her/marrying her!”

Here’s the thing about Courtney; She is an enigmatic, entertaining, talented, maternal individual. Here’s the thing about Kurt; He’s a shy, quiet, non-confrontational guy with mommy issues. There’s been a lot of discussion on how Courtney was ‘obsessed’ with Kurt, and how she wouldn’t rest until she pinned him down: That’s untrue, or at least it reads less like crazy-bitch-steals-rock-god and more like cute-singer-has-crush-on-fellow-cute-singer. She was really into him, but when she met him she was still dating Billy Corgan, which deterred her from pursuing him until that relationship(basically) dissolved. When Kurt met her, he had just gotten out of a relationship with Tobi Vail, which most likely fell apart because she refused to be what Tracy Marander had been for him. She wasn’t interested in caring for him and she wasn’t interested in a full-time monogamous relationship. She was working too hard at her own career and was way too involved in the burgeoning riot grrrl movement to worry about looking after Kurt Cobain. That just wasn’t going to work for him.

Kurt was a big believer in the nuclear family model, he was very monogamous, and besides that he lacked the ability to physically take care of himself. If he wasn’t living with a partner who would clean up the house and remind him to wash his hair, it just didn’t happen. He was chronically ill, depressed, and he’d spent most of his adolescence AWOL from anyone who would actually raise him, so Tobi’s rejection deeply hurt him for a number of reasons- While Courtney, the opposite of Tobi in a few key ways, was exactly what he wanted. On top of looking like the archetypical punk girl, “I was attracted to her because she looked like Nancy Spungen,” she had a maternal streak (In Montage Of Heck, when he’s found sitting beside her while she cuts his hair, and, typical for people living with Kurt, mentions that she cleans the house because ‘nobody else fuckin does.’) Early on in their relationship, Kurt had a meltdown and begged Courtney to come to his apartment. She did, and looked after him the rest of the night, a pattern which would become common for them, and was stated by her half sister to be the ‘original strain on the relationship.’

Besides her mothering elements, Courtney was brassy and loud, and her presence allowed him to be less introverted and freer with himself. She was an ambitious young musician who shared a similar childhood to him, and had the same yearning for a safe home life that he did. She was well-read and artistic, and introduced him to the literary side of music creation, which he hadn’t explored yet. After spending a night on the phone with her, he went around telling everybody she was ‘the coolest girl in the world,’ and broke off another burgeoning relationship with Mary Lou Lord on live TV after spending the night with her. The famous quote, “Courtney Love is the best fuck in the world.” is in fact real. And yeah, he could’ve handled that one better.

The attraction was mutual, and I find it hard to believe that Kurt was ever forced into anything romantic with her based on how well she suited his tastes.

3. “She used him for his fame/money!”

As stated above, Courtney was attracted to Kurt before Nevermind was even recorded, and if she wanted to marry a famous dude right out the gate, at the time they met there were plenty of people who were way more famous than Kurt. In Heavier Than Heaven she mentions really liking their song “Dive,” and later in life she mentioned hearing “Sliver” and being impressed with Kurt’s writing abilities. Both of those songs were released a solid two years before Nevermind. She was interested in Kurt because he was cute and talented and she was savvy in the music scene, meaning that she kept up with underground bands.

Now, a point of contention between Kurt & Courtney was their different attitudes towards fame. That is entirely true. Courtney wanted to be famous, enjoyed celebrity, loved attention, and could handle touring, press, and the craziness of success. She was very charismatic, very physically strong, and let’s face it, definitely an attention whore. Kurt liked being praised, he liked being successful, and he definitely had a thing for attention- But he hated pressure, he had inferiority issues, he didn’t know how to handle his life being pried into all the time, and he wasn’t strong enough to do massive tours. Courtney just didn’t understand that, which is pretty common if someone doesn’t share your same mental illness/physical illness: Touring hurt Kurt’s stomach, it worsened his anxiety and emotional instability, it wore his body out, it didn’t agree with him. He loved playing live but couldn’t handle the mania or the travelling, meaning he didn’t mind blowing off huge tours that would bring in loads of money. Courtney, who did feel envious and intimidated regarding his success, would get angry at him for that- She didn’t want him to blow off massive paychecks and press coverage because it’s not what she would’ve done. I definitely side with Kurt on this, nothing is more frightening and frustrating than people trying to force you to do things you can’t handle health-wise. Courtney, being naturally business-oriented, was also aware of how things appeared to the public, and definitely cared about their image more than Kurt did- One of their fights revolved around her nagging him about how important the “Heart-Shaped Box” music video would be for him, and how he should look good. He reacted by stubbing out a cigarette on his forehead and saying, “Do I look fucking good enough for you now?”

So yeah, Courtney, like a lot of people in Kurt’s life, was all about furthering his career and success. A lot of people read that as her being money-hungry or manipulative, in my opinion it’s just a natural response from a person who’s spent their whole life trying to be a success and wouldn’t really get there until 1994. I think some of it was envy and I think some of it was her using him a little vicariously, neither of which are healthy but neither of which are malicious, either. She wanted to be a rockstar, she was ready to be a rockstar, she wasn’t; He thought he’d wanted to be a rockstar, he didn’t really want to, he was.

4. “She emotionally abused him!”

I hate to say this because I love Kurt so much but, as someone who’s been through a codependent relationship where they were bailing water out of a sinking boat, Kurt’s behavior throughout their marriage set off way more red flags for me than Courtney’s did. I don’t think he was actually abusive, but I do think he was a little too underdeveloped and unresolved to be married to someone. He had to grow up slower than everyone else because he missed out on having concrete mature influences, which Courtney did as well, and like I said earlier I think a lot of their problems came through a lack of adult communication skills. Both of them were really jealous people: Courtney couldn’t stand Kurt talking about Mary Lou Lord or Tobi Vail, Kurt was completely convinced that Courtney was cheating on him with Billy Corgan(even going so far as to talk to their lawyer about a divorce shortly before he died.) This was the catalyst for a lot of mind games and unnecessary drama, especially coming from Kurt.

Kurt couldn’t handle conflict. He was really passive aggressive, and would do things to purposely piss Courtney off or communicate to her that he was displeased. While she was trying to stay clean he would declare that he was going to do drugs in the apartment, when she started talking to a psychic to help her with her problems he mocked her and put her down, when she staged his final intervention his entire argument against rehab was that she was just as ‘fucked up’ as he was(she had already agreed to go into rehab, though whether he was aware of this or not I’m not sure.) He made his first suicide attempt by overdosing on Rohypnol on their wedding anniversary because she took some pills and fell asleep and he decided that meant she wasn’t interested in him anymore. I’m not arguing that that’s an irrational response to your partner getting stoned and falling asleep, especially when he’d apparently set the night up to be as romantic as possible, but the overdose put him in a coma and sent Courtney into hysterics.

Her mental health began to decline due to paranoia that he’d end up dead, and her weight dropped due to the added stress. As someone who’s been through a pretty similar situation to that and exhibited the same symptoms, I can tell you that it is never okay to use a suicide attempt to deal with a perceived injustice from your partner. By this time, Kurt was facing either getting clean or dying, and his behavior was very depressed and erratic, so there are explanations for the way he was acting and I don’t think he was trying to manipulate her with a threat. Despite my understanding of that, there is nothing more exhausting than being the caretaker of someone who is hellbent on never getting better. I can’t imagine being the caretaker of someone who won’t stop until they’re dead, and I do think at that point it would’ve been better for them to separate.

But that isn’t to say Courtney wasn’t toxic herself, I’m not trying to paint a wholly negative image of Kurt here. I’m merely trying to stand in the way of Nirvana fanboys who have no grasp on the more sickly sides of his personality, and give Court a bit of a break. Definitely, she struggled with her jealousy: As stated, she never wanted his ex girlfriends mentioned around her and would tear them apart if they were. She was ambitious and career driven, which eroded a lot of her platonic relationships/working relationships as well her marriage to Kurt. She was one of the people who was pushing him to recover in time to play Lollapalooza, and she was one of the people who pushed him into his last stunted tour before his death. She weaponized his relationship with Frances in ways that I and most people agree are gross: She told him he should be playing massive gigs to support his daughter(though their medical and legal bills were big they were hardly poverty stricken), and admitted in an interview later that she called him in rehab once to tell him he’d dropped Frances on her head(She mentioned during this that Frances was wearing a furry hood, and that he didn’t hurt her. In my opinion he was doing his best by even trying rehab again, and that he was already so worried that he was a terrible father that it was just cruel to make him feel worse.)

She has a tendency to be self-obsessed, and to put her own self interest before people she cares about, even if she regrets it later. She struggles herself with mental illness and addiction, both of which tend to give a person poor judgment regarding the people they care about.

Once again, Courtney and Kurt weren’t a healthy couple, but it wasn’t because they were evil or abusive towards one another. They cared for each other deeply, they had a very pure devotion. Underlying all this nastiness were two people who prayed together, wrote together, fantasized about a Valentine’s Day wedding, and faxed each other R-rated love letters like modern versions of James Joyce and Nora Barnacle. During one of his more successful stints in rehab, Kurt wrote Courtney love letters every night(though he did decorate them with blood, wax, and semen.)

They had some serious therapy they needed to attend, the both of them. But 90% of these demonizations of Courtney are either untrue or blown out of proportion.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #264

I did tell y’all WoW would devour my life again when I got my laptop back lmao. But I’m still alive!!

When you wake up to pee at night, do you turn on the light? You mean like, in the bathroom? Uh, yeah? When was the last time you got a fresh box of crayons? Damn dude, I don't have a clue. What color is your favorite towel? I don't have a favorite. They're all just random colors. Do you know anyone’s phone number by heart? Actually no, not since Mom got a new phone. I really need to learn it. Do you wear hoodies? Yeah, one Pikachu one. Something your mother said or did that shocked you: We were arguing and she tried to kick me out of the car once. Obviously I didn't listen. It was one of our worst arguments. How many different homes have you live in?We're in our fourth house now. WELL there's another if you count the apartment, but I didn't officially live there, I was just... always there even though it was against policy lmao. Then when we were technically homeless I "lived" with my former best friend, but again, that was not an official thing. Did your mom go to college? She is, though cancer has thrown a wrench in the plan... She's on her final semester of a bachelor's degree in social work. With cancer now plus this wild quarantine, we don't really know what's going on. Where is the best place you know to take a dog for a walk? We have a park maybe like 15 minutes from here that's pretty decent. Nice fountain, fishing docks, plenty of ducks. Are there any crazy sandwich combinations you like to eat? It's not "crazy," as I know it's actually tasty to some people: having lunch meat, cheese, mustard, and potato chips. I haven't had that in yeeeaaars. Which food do you think you have the most cans of in your cupboard? Uh. I'm not sure. We usually have fruit, beans, and soup in there, but I'm not sure which there's more of. Do you save fortunes from fortune cookies? No. Are you offended when Christmas is spelled Xmas? No. Do you prefer rugs or bare floors? Rugs. Describe your favorite mug or glass to drink from? I don't really drink from any. Your bad habit that you love the most: Heh, drinking soda... Do you name your pets after tv/movie/book characters: I have before, yes. Had a guinea pig named Harry Potter lol, rats named Tezzeret and Rhoka, and... that may be it. I am not positive, had a lotta pets... Have you ever died in one of your dreams? Yes. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum? Fruity. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it? Oh my god, I was about to say no, but wait. When I first started RP at around 9, I had the impression you were supposed to always be in-character. Me, at the time my account being just "mozart2" (I don't count her as my first RP character though, she turned into Ruby and was drastically changed) on the Animal Planet forum, wanted to be the "dominant female," and one of the girls whose name was like Angelkiss or something was "mean" to me and so I reciprocated until I GOT FUCKING BANNED ON THIS ACCOUNT I'M WRITING THIS AND IT'S SO EMBARRASSING WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME I HATE YOUNG ME SO MUCH. What is the cutest Halloween costume for a baby to wear? Idk. Is it a turn-off if somebody’s teeth are stained yellow? Not necessarily. Yellow doesn't mean dirty + everyone is supposed to have some coloration, and I can't say shit anyway 'cuz mine are kinda yellow from poor self-care in the past anyway. I just care that they're clean. Which of your friends is the tallest? Which of them is the shortest? Girt is a damn giant lmao. I only reach his chest. Shortest, I'm unsure. Do you know any quotes from Forrest Gump? Well besides the famous ones, no. HA, fun fact that cracked me the fuck up though, someone in the government in NC that is running for... something, there are sometimes like three signs in a row along the road that say "RUN FORREST, RUN" and I fuckin died the first time I saw it. Do you believe in demonic possession? How about ghosts? Angels? I don't believe in angels or demons, so. Ghosts, yes. Would you rather judge a singing or dancing competition? Why? Dancing, for sure. I'm more educated on the form and techniques, plus it's way more entertaining. What was the mascot at your elementary school? A bulldog. It was super cute, and in art class, the art students all worked together to make colorful, clay models that were in the principal's office. Everyone loved them. Have you ever fallen down in public? Did anybody see you? Yes and yes. Do you scream when you go on rollercoasters? Do you close your eyes? I'll probably never know 'cuz my ass is afraid of them lmao. I get dizzy too easily and I'm terrified of the potential of getting sick. Do you think home-made cards are better than store-bought ones? They're more thoughtful imo. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once? The Notebook. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? By their volition, probably a Facebook friend. How did you decide upon your favorite colors? I didn't know you could pick your favorite color. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? Wow no. I mean unless they look obviously dangerous, like if they had blood on them or something like that. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? If you say anything but pink, you're wrong. Do you prefer schedules and plans, or spontaneity? Schedules. Sponteneity, usually, stresses me out. How do you let someone know that you like him/her? I mean idk. Act like it or say it. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I'm more myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? Hell no. I'd want them to like me for who I actually am. Would you rather buy presents for others, or receive them? BUY, so long as I'm happy with what I bought and know it'll make them happy. How did you meet your current best friend? YouTube. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? I haven't finished it, but I'm writing a poem about the strength of cancer patients following Mom getting her hair shaved off. Are you a mostly blunt person? No, because I'm too afraid of starting an argument. Do you have any talents that come naturally? I guess writing since I've been applauded for it since I was very little. Do you go out often? Even before quarantine, not at all. I go out so little that my eyes seriously hurt when I step outside; I always have to squint or entirely close my eyes for a few seconds. What's the best Valentine's Day gift you've gotten? There was one year Jason got me a really pretty heart box of chocolates plus the game Heavy Rain and a pink rose. May still have a picture of it on my old phone... Is there anyone who is overly nice to you? No. It's hard to be "overly nice" in my opinion. Would you prefer internet or television? Internet. What is something you lose often? I'm not sure. Not a lot. Do you enter a lot of sweepstakes? I never do. How old is your oldest sibling? 30-something. Have you ever considered writing a novel? Yes. Who's the last person you said I love you to? Mom or Sara. What's your stance on spooning? What a question. It's comforting, but I usually can't actually fall asleep like that because I get too hot. Have you ever been "popular?" Nah, not really. Well, I was pretty well-known in the meerkat YouTube community as an editor, but not like, Yelozo level. Has someone ever tried to convert you? Well, I was a Christian when my sister's friend's grandpa made me like, SUPER uncomfortable by talking to me all the way home from school (he had to drive us this day) about the Bible and stuff because it was his "job" as a religious man and I kinda had to take this little Bible from him just to be nice. Even when I was a Christian I wasn't VERY religious and really really felt like he was hardcore shoving his beliefs down my throat. Are you thin? Ha ha no. Do you like big earrings? Heavy/big earrings ruined my ears, so no. The holes are too stretched now and is why I'm putting very small gauges in so it doesn't look as stupid when I put an earring in and it just barely hangs on because my ear lobe literally looks like it could tear. Animated character that was your gay awakening? HA, there's been a few that looking back, I definitely thought were more than pretty, even as a kid, like Sheego from Kim Possible. But #1? Holy mother of fuck, Bayonetta. That is one fuckin HOT MAMA. What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on? Hmm. It really does depend on what I feel like semi-watching. Maybe like, a let's play where I'm not THAT interested in the game, but I still do listen and glance over. Your go-to bar order, if you drink? I've never been to a bar, but when I go out to eat and I feel like getting a drink, it's usually a margarita. What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own? UGGGGHHHHH my tall leather boots with all these buckles and stuff. They're hot. What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)? I don’t know. What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had? Nothing that's really "surprising." Just three ordinary minimum wage jobs. What’s directly across from you? My snake's terrarium. Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general? No. ;-; I wish. What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted? I've only ever had cream cheese. NO WAIT, I tried jam once and it was fucking repulsive. One bite and I was like "fuck no." I think it was strawberry jam though, which I hate. I'm not sure what else I'd try as idk what would taste good. Fruity or herbal teas? Neither. What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless? None. It's funny, as a kid when I thought I was "too old," I tried to hide the fact I still adored Pokemon, but for years now I've just been like "lol fuck yeah man Pokemon." What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc) Being an emo/goth/metalhead thing was NEVER a phase, Mom. Goddamn do I wish I could afford a gothic wardrobe laksjdfawde. What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to? There's no telling. I rarely check my closet for "special" clothes, but rather my dresser. Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)? The couch. Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online? I'm all of them, plus sometimes song lyrics I find relevant lmao leave me alone. Name a classic Vine: YO that one of the dude looking for his berries with a WILD outfit, expression, and voice and then scares adventurers away from his tree made me fuckin cry for about 1,000 repeats. I miss Vine, man, good shit. What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store? We don't really "stock up" on any particular food. We do, however, tend to get a large box of frozen rats for Venus, if you can count that, but obviously that's not from the grocery store lol. How do you top your ice cream? Chocolate syrup mmmMMMMMMMMMMM Do you like Jello? Yeah. Do you have a fear, even only a slight fear of insects? I do. Do you have a favorite poem you like and can recall? If so, what is it? I don't have a favorite, no. Have you ever resided in a home that was haunted: *shrugs* I do think paranormal things happened in my last house, but idk about calling it haunted. Do you ever play any MMORPGS: Just WoW. What’s the closest river to you? Tar River. Have you ever been in a building with over 100 floors? I don't think so. What bird is the cutest? Oh, I don't know. Something small and pudgy lol. Are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? No, that shit is so cool. Have you ever held a real sword? No. What do you think about most? PTSD is v fun. My brain naturally drifts to relating topics when I don't know what to think about, which is most of the time. Certainly don't try to, but it just. Happens. Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Hell man, idk. I do have a weakness for Kellin Quin though; he's the first to come to mind. What was the last film you saw in the cinema? The Lion King. What are you currently listening to? "Saturnalia" by Marilyn Manson. How many people have you kissed, that you can HONESTLY say you loved? Two. The last person to be under covers with you? Sara. What's the compliment you get the most? Uhhh I think it's "I like your tattoo" (referring to my Mark one). BITCH just wait til it gets tidied up for four hours. Have you ever disliked someone just because a friend disliked them? If they have good reason to, yes. I can't deeply dislike someone I don't know/have personally seen be a piece of shit, but I can sure not be fond of them until they prove unworthy of that judgment. Have you ever won a lot of money in a slot machine? How much? Never gambled and don't plan to. Do you eat/drink at your computer? Yes, oops. How much do you overeat at special occasions? (Birthdays, Christmas, etc) Actually, I tend to under-eat at most special occasions because odds are I'm not going to like the food. This isn't always the case, but yeah. Do you think it's important to enjoy your job or do you just work for money? I think it's very important to enjoy it. If you had to, which record would you go into Guinness World Records for? Probably the longest consecutive hours of not leaving the computer laksdfjawe I hate myself. Do/Did you enjoy school? Why (not)? From the very beginning, I hated school. It's why I was a goddamn monster to get up in the morning, even in high school. I only enjoyed (to a degree, anyway) my most recent college because it was a way to get out of the house and work towards my future. Do you find it difficult to sleep at night? Any reason(s) why? Boy, do I. Most recently, after being put on a medication for my nightmares/terrors (which works!), I have intense muscle spasms in my legs, oddly only when I'm falling asleep. Apparently it's a very rare side effect of it, but I'm willing to tolerate it in place of having nightly terrors. Then there's my PTSD and just general poor self-image that can both send me down a total spiral. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? Why? Not legitimately. Like I've wondered what it would be like, but I've never truly wanted to be a guy. I'm just content with being what comes with being genetically female. Do you think you'd make a good model? Would you ever want to be one? Hell to the fuck no. Have you had an argument with anyone recently? If so, do you still have issues with that person? Not recently, no. Who was the last person that asked to hang out with you? Tell me the story of how you met that person, everything you remember. Hell man, I don't have a clue. Have you ever worn colored mascara? If not, would you ever think about trying it? And if you have, what is/was your favorite color to wear? No, but I guess, if I had a reason to? What do you remember about your first day of secondary school? Were you more nervous or excited about it? I very faintly remember I had no desire to be there. Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like Bebo or Myspace? Yeah, I had Myspace. Has anyone ever asked you out, and you turned them down? If so, did you feel guilty about it? Why do you think you said no? Yes, and not *really*, as I'm very strict with myself about whom I date. It's just awkward. And I just didn't like one guy romantically in elementary, my best male childhood friend was black (mind you I haven't been racist in the least since I was a tiny kid, I was just raised like that), and I knew Juan had a bad rep. Have you ever asked anyone “Do you love me?” If so, did you get the response you wanted? Do you think when someone says “I love you”, you feel obliged to say it back? Ugh. Let's not. I feel obligated only with family. Has someone of the opposite sex ever sang to you? If so, how did you respond to it? LET'S. FUCKIN. NOT. If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? Terrified.

[behind-the-screen-of-bangtan]

Words to make you think

This post is part of the TSU. It belongs to the third part: Socio-political reflection.

There will be several parts in this post:

Citations in the videos

In the lyrics

Concepts based on philosophy/psychology

BTS’ discography through a Jungian perspective

Citations in the videos

We’ll start with what’s mainly a list of the quotes then we’ll interpret their purpose. Some citations may not feel that philosophical but as they can be interpreted the same way, they were included here nonetheless.

BTS introduced us to philosophy, and then to psychology, quite progressively. As it started in the background, it’s hard to be sure whether I caught them all or not but the earliest occurrence I have is in “Boy In Luv” Japanese version MV:

“One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings, Diogenes”

Despite the signature, it seems this quote is not from Diogenes himself but was rather attributed to him by William Safire in a New York Times article from the 7 April 1996 and titled “ON LANGUAGE; Worth a Thousand Words” -  the article itself is explaining the real origin of some expressions. It was later used by Banksy for one of his works - and it’s probably this one that inspired Big Hit’s artistic directors.

It’s funny to start a post about philosophical references with a fake quote. Let’s say it’s a reminder to be careful with what you say and to not blindly believe what you read.

The sentence was written on the blackboard. You can also find a verse from the Bible’s proverbs not too far away:

“Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.”

Now let’s be honest, it’s impossible to read these in the MV (I found them thanks to a making-of video). As for their link with “Boy In Luv” (lyrics of the Japanese version here), it seems hard to establish. “Boy In Luv” tells the story of a boy struggling to confess his love for a girl and waiting eagerly for an answer. An overinterpretation of the quotes could be that the boy needs to find how to confess by himself (in opposition to the “Dad how did you confess your love to mom?” from the lyrics) and that a gesture would mean more than a verbal confession, or that he must choose his words wisely to not lose his chance with the girl.

The next ones are more known in the fandom since they appeared during The Most Beautiful Moment in Life. It’s words related to the concept of the series, namely the brevity of life, the death of innocence and childhood, and the cruelty of the world:

“Paradise is where I am” - Voltaire in “Le Mondain”

“Dedicated to all the boys who have lived in this painful world”

“Too fast to live too young to die”

“Without soul goal and **** We are nothin but a mannequin”

"You must live on"

“YOLO” / “you only live once”

“Youth is never coming back”

“Pain past is pleasure”

There’s also a series of Latin citations that appeared in “RUN” Japanese version:

“Carpe Diem”           (Seize the day) “Dum Spiro Spero”   (While I breath I hope) “Memento mori”        (Remember that you have to die) “Pro Memoria”          (For memory) “res, non verba”        (Facts instead of words) “Viva”                        (Alive/Living or Long live…!)

Some of those expressions made their comeback during the WINGS series, along with new ones:

“Man muss noch Chaos in sich haben, um einen tanzenden Stern gebären zu können” (One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.)

A citation from Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra. And:

“You oldest fears are the worst ones”

“Expiring for love is beautiful but stupid”

“Fear is the most elegant weapon Your hands are never messy Threatning bodily is rude” (original typo)

Different sentences from Jenny Holzer.

These citations are once again fitting with the concepts for WINGS and The Wings Tour, that is to say, temptation and the fear of becoming an adult.

For details about where all those can be found in BTS’ works and their origins, I’ll let you refer to the glossary. Most of them don’t have a real author and some may even have been created by the artistic direction team.

Agust D’s album cover had citations over Suga’s face:

“You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin’ fingers and say. ‘That’s the bad guy’.” said by Tony Montana (Robert de Niro), the main character in Brian de Palma’s movie Scarface.

“Life is a daily oscillation between revolt and submission” by Henri Frederic Amiel, a Swiss philosopher.

“Life is ecstasy”

“Every man dies, but not every man lives.” pronounced by William Wallace (Mel Gibson) in the movie Braveheart.

Again they go with the theme of the mixtape.

We even got a surprise during the 2017/2018 ceremonies. A citation from Gilles Deleuze could be seen in the background during the “Mic Drop” performance at the 2018 Seoul Music Awards. There was also a lobster during the Golden Disc that connects with it. I’ll let you refer to the glossary for details but here’s the quote, from A Thousand Plateaus:

“Nor can the status of social formations be analyzed by throwing some signifier into the base, or vice versa, or a bit of phallus or castration into political economy, or a bit of economics or politics into psychoanalysis. There is a third problem. It is difficult to elucidate the system of the strata without seeming to introduce a kind of cosmic or even spiritual evolution from one to the other, as if they were arranged in stages and ascended degrees of perfection.”

I won’t pretend I understand everything but I still feel it’s the less pertinent quote until now. It’s an analysis of the world on a binary base which doesn’t really connect with the boys’ success that’s celebrated in “Mic Drop”. 

The last quotes up to this day are in Persona’s comeback trailer. They’re from Carl Jung, the psychologist who inspired the series:

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.

The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens up to that primeval cosmic night that was the soul long before there was the conscious ego.

As expected, they relate to the lyrics of “Intro: Persona” that wonder about one’s own identity and the dream theme linked to the album.

Even though they are mostly related to the concept of the series, we can wonder whether these words are intended to be seen by fans or just serve as a Lorem Ipsum to fill the background. Indeed, you’ll need to pause the videos to read most of them and sometimes even more effort will be needed - for example, Holzer’s quotes are written backward when they appear behind Jungkook. 

(This also applies to most of the literature references, they’re relevant for the concept but quite hard to catch.)

It’s like background noise. But a background noise that you can take the time to listen to in order to understand the whole concept even better. There’s one thing however that seems recurrent between those quotes and it’s their negativity. Of course, most of BTS’ concepts are dark so it’s fitting but they also usually have their bit of hope: youth is painful but it’s the most beautiful moment in life. Or then again, we can overinterpret and consider that while the world is dark, it’s the boys themselves who bring hopefulness.

In the lyrics

Obviously, all of BTS’ lyrics are quite philosophical, be it when they question their feelings, the meaning of life or the way society works. And I’m not even talking about the puns.

One notable line though is in RM’s “God Rap” when he explicitly talks about Buddhism, as explained by Muish here:

Foolish believers, you can become a god as well

It references the fact anyone reaching enlightenment can become a godly being.

The next ones appear in the Love Yourself series. First, we have “Magic Shop” (Muish’s rambling), a song dedicated to ARMY and written by Jungkook. The concept of the magic shop is detailed below. Here, it’s like an IRL version. The fear they exchanged is the hate they received before and the positive attitude they gained is ARMY. And they wish us the same:

You gave me the best of me So you’ll give you the best of you

Since the magic shop is a mental exercise, you’ll find it in your heart.

There’s also something in “134340” and “Answer: Love Myself”. Their lyrics can be connected to what Jung defined as a complex: a constellation of elements that when they’re activated can influence our will (more details can be found here). Those elements are usually past trauma or similar events.

So when they say in “Answer: Love Myself”:

Under your mask When even the scars left from my mistakes Are all my constellations

The constellations that emerged from mistakes can be seen as a complex.

As for “134340″ (lyrics), the whole song can be interpreted as a rejected complex. “134340″ is initially about Pluto not being considered as a planet anymore and thus feeling lonely. It’s similar to what happens to complexes. Normally they’re in the unconscious but once they’re activated, they can reach the consciousness, like the sun in the lyrics:

At one time, belonging to the sun’s world

But once the ego has dealt with the complex, it is sent back into the unconscious, where it just float around aimlessly like Pluto:

All I’m doing is circling around (Beyond the fog, I watch over the you who is still smiling Without you and without meaning, the reality of my irregular orbit) All I’m doing is spinning around aimlessly (Pluto in the darkness with a number that’s difficult for you to remember But even then, I’d continue to circle around your surroundings, damn)

To relate to the concept of Tear, let’s add the fact that complexes have personalities. They’re usually weaker than the personality of the ego (which is our personality; in the case they’re as strong, we observe multiple personalities disorders).

The whole concept of Tear is faking yourself to the point it’s unbearably painful. It’s like the boy rejected his own personality to the point it became a complex instead of his own ego and now it’s exiled in his subconscious. Luckily, he will accept it in Love Yourself 結 Answer. Concerning the reason why such a thing would happen, we have to remember the ego is directly under the influence of the persona (so how we behave in society). So to fit in the world, the ego changed itself.

Concepts based on philosophy/psychology

Until now, it’s safe to assume all the quotes in the videos were decisions from the artistic team only. It all changed with the Love Yourself series.

Not only its main reference is The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm, but the whole series is constructed as a reflection based on the 起承轉結 structure and it also references the magic shop technique. Philosophy is central in this concept and not only the artistic directors but also Bang PD and the boys are participating in developing it.

The Art of Loving explains love is like an art and you must work on it to develop it. Love has several forms, including self-love, but true love is rare nowadays. People tend to compensate for the lack of love with consumerism.

The Chinese structure has an introduction, two parts considering the subject from two different points of view and a conclusion.

The magic shop refers to a psychodramatic scene performed during therapy by the patients and the therapist. In the magic shop, it’s possible to exchange whatever you want against a certain price. However, the real strength of this technique is in the bargain preceding the exchange. The shopkeeper (either the therapist or another patient) will question the reasons motivating the exchange and through their answers, the patient often realizes their initial wish was hiding another desire they hadn’t identified. You can refer to this paper by Professor Earl Koile for examples.

In Love Yourself, Euphoria shows that the introduction is actually The Most Beautiful Moment in Life. It’s the initial situation. As we saw in The universal coming-of-age story, the boys struggled with accepting the outside world and still had to find how to be happy.

The two development parts of the reasoning are the bargain inside the magic shop - note that all the what-if considered during this bargain also exist in the BU thanks to the time travel.

The exchange the boys want to make is revealed in ”FAKE LOVE” first teaser:

'Magic Shop' is a psychodramatic technique that exchanges fear for a positive attitude.

We also see in the video that what they understand by fear is their traumatic past and that “a positive attitude” is being with a girl (several interpretations can be made as to what the girls represent).

The bargain begins in Her and the boys explain how being with a girl will bring them happiness because it’s destiny (see notably “Serendipity”’s and “DNA”’s lyrics).

The teaser revealed during the 2017 KBS Gayo Daechukje can be considered as the shopkeeper’ answer:

“The magical time is coming. Come to the Magic Shop. Now, take off your mask and open your eyes.”

The boys are asked to take off the mask “destiny” had put on them, the one that makes them smile because they’re with a girl.

We see the result in Tear. They’ve been denaturing themselves to the point they literally ask “who are you?” in “FAKE LOVE”. Being with a girl actually doesn’t bring them happiness and they’re just forcing themselves to fit the situation “because it’s destiny”.

The conclusion happens when the boys realize what they really want is not “a positive attitude” as decided by some abstract authority but to be happy by themselves and for themselves. Thus “Answer: Love Myself”. This whole reflection proves the ideas developed in The Art of Loving: the boys had to do a lot of mental work to reach true love, they all had different relationships with the girls and with themselves, and they had to work on it themselves and not just wait for someone else to bring them joy.

As the 起承轉結 structure is for a written work and the magic shop technique is a purely mental exercise, we can assume no one was really hurt in the process - no girls were involved and the boys didn’t denature themselves. Again this idea is made possible in the BU through time travel - but since it’s the BU, there are still people who are hurt, sadly.

However, the VCRs shown during the performances at the 2018 year-end ceremonies imply there was someone who helped them and that they want to help back:

“Fake Love Take off the mask and face yourself I can be your hero”

(2018 MMA)

“I didn't know what power/love is but you taught me how to use power/love”

(2018 MAMA in Japan)

“You gave me power. You gave me love So now I'm a hero So now I'm a boy with love I'll show you the map of the soul I'll show you the dream”

(2018 MAMA in Hong-Kong)

It’s hard to tell who is that “you”. It can be the girl from the Love Yourself reflection but it can also be ARMY since we’re the subject of the next album, Map of the Soul Persona. Something that should be considered here too is that these VCRs were shown with songs from Tear (”FAKE LOVE”, “Airplane Pt.2″, and “Anpanman”) so rather than a teaser for Persona, they could be a development of Tear’s concept - except the last one of course. The masks and the doll concept were also most likely a complement to Tear - obviously the doll concept references the E version of Answer, but it’s a repackage including songs from Tear.

The series following Love Yourself is this time based on psychology, and more specifically on Jung’s works through references to Dr. Murray Stein’s Jung’s Map of the Soul.

At the moment it’s hard to know where they’re heading with this one as we only have one album. However, based on the graffitis in Persona’s Comeback trailer, we can assume the Map of the Soul series will be a trilogy made of Persona, Shadow, and Ego. These three parts of the psyche are tightly connected. The ego is the conscious and controllable part of our mind, the persona is the mask we wear to adapt to society and be able to live as a community, and the shadow is all the traits that were rejected from the persona. I detailed more ideas from the book in this summary.

If we go with such a trilogy, it means we won’t go deep in the psyche (to the self) and rather explore the surface (consciousness and personal unconscious).

Persona is the first part of this series. RM explained in his Vlive about the album that BTS’ persona is ARMY - and we do often represent them where we are. Most songs are about happiness and love: thanks to their persona, the boys could fit in the world and enjoy it at best. We can also mention “소우주” (Mikrokosmos) and its lyrics about everyone being a galaxy made of stars - the galaxy is also one of the metaphors used to represent the map of the soul.

BTS’ discography through a Jungian perspective

Before we start this part, please keep in mind it is an interpretation following the different releases so I’ll obviously make sure it makes sense. This, however, doesn’t imply Big Hit planned it, I’m just adapting to what we have. Also, had the last series been about another psychologist’s works, I would’ve made this interpretation based on this psychologist’s theories.

According to Jung, the psyche is something that grows along with the body. At first, there’s an undefined mass that’s both the self and the rest of the world. Progressively, through experiences and trauma, an ego develops - accompanied by a persona and a shadow. These allow the individual to differentiate themselves from the outside world. However, it creates a conflict within the being between the different parts that all have different goals: the persona wants to fit in the world, the ego wants to be an independent individual. An ultimate stage would thus be for all those part to become one again while remaining differentiated. But most people don’t reach it. Jung conceived this development as 5 different stages of consciousness. As the details get quite complicated I’ll let you refer to the book if you want to know more.

In BTS’s discography, we can link the development of the ego with the school trilogy. Through encountering the three main themes of life (dream, happiness, and love) the boys gain morals: you don’t need a dream, don’t be late to be happy, love is complicated. As for their social behavior, it is at first shaped by society (the teacher in “N.O”, the director and the other teacher in BTS Begins): they’re told to obey authority, to aim for a stable job and to create a family.

In the first stage, the consciousness tries to connect with the outside world to begin its existence. And indeed, the boys obey at first...

Before quickly revolting in the second stage, as they realize they’re different from the outside world

On the third stage, the perception of the world changes, the individual focuses more on concepts than objects. Which fits quite well with the YOLO and oniric philosophy behind The Most Beautiful Moment in Life.

Since WINGS is based on Demian and Demian is based on Jung’s works, there’s obviously a lot of connections. WINGS references the whole book but especially the end, with the idea of the bird flying to the god Abraxas. This image is most likely the ego getting inflated in the fourth stage and identifying with god. It’s also a stage of realism where we realize everything is a social construct.

In BTS’ concept, the bird is the young being accepting adulthood. However, rather than identifying with gods, it seems the boys rather related to angels/Icarus and thus to the whole notion of falling from the sky/sinning/succumbing to temptation. An interesting take we find in the WINGS Concept Book is that the fall of the angels and their rebellion against God is a step to grow up - possibly to grow into god themselves then, considering the stage of consciousness.

In the Love Yourself series, a lot of people have associated the girls with the anima of the boys. In Jung’s works, the anima is like your other half, the one who completes you and who exists in your subconscious. This interpretation has flaws but it’s still possible. It also fits with the fifth stage since it’s the one where all the different parts of the psyche reunite. Considering the concept of the series, we can interpret the different parts reuniting as the being finding inner peace and thus being able to love themselves.

Hypothetically, the 5 stages of consciousness stop here but Jung considered supplementary ones. It’s just that only a very small number of people reach it so it can’t be studied well.

But it doesn’t look like Map of the Soul will head here. As I said above, it seems they will rather explore the surface. Interestingly, the surface of the psyche is central in the first stages of consciousness. And the first stages of consciousness have been explored in the school trilogy. And Map of the Soul just happens to revisit the themes of the school trilogy.

And just like that, we connected the whole Reflection of Youth to Jungian ideas~

Now just for fun, here’s another one:

At first, the world population is just a mass

Out of it emerges the BTS self

Through a trauma of hate, they develop their ARMY ego

ARMY grows a persona of being a kind and generous fandom and a shadow made of hate, memes, and overreactions

Just like the map of the soul can be compared to a galaxy, BTS and ARMY reunite as one beautiful galaxy in concerts💜

Conclusion

Philosophy, psychology, proverbs, and just any idea intended to lead to a reflection have been in BTS works for a while now. It remains unsure if we’re supposed to know about them or not as they’re really not highlighted - The Art of Loving and Jung’s Map of the Soul being the exceptions. They remain pertinent to the concept they’re linked to though.

In such a context, it’s clear that only the fans will know about it. So just like hidden tracks on albums, it could be that those quotes are only intended for ARMY because only ARMY can understand them in the context of BTS’ works and their whole message.

And indeed, see how half-fans and journalists hurried to label the magic shop technique as a reference to Into the Magic Shop. Rather than the whole reflection connected to the 起承轉結 writing structure and explaining how they reached self-love, people just went with “OMG a child discovering the mysteries of the world!!”. Which is a theme Bangtan already explored and not with one but with eight references (see here) so I promise you, they really don’t need that trope anymore.

In the same idea, while Jung’s Map of the Soul and The Art of Loving are relatively easy to read, only a very dedicated fan will go through A Thousand Plateaus (before you ask, I didn’t, I only read the chapter of the quote).

To complete my thought on those quotes being background noise, they’re indeed something that’s hard to pick but also something that needs to be decoded.

As for the two books referenced that have been made very public and very explicit since you can buy them on Big Hit’s shop, as I said, first they’re easier to understand and second, BTS has gained a lot more casual fans who won’t necessarily take the time to search for all those details. So there’s a possibility they made it easier to find them so everyone could join in the fun. Lastly, BTS are more invested in those concepts and since their part of the works is mainly the lyrics and not at all the videos, it’s only logical for the ideas to be presented differently.

[blessedsinnersrp-blog]

Follow your fellow sheep down to the slaughter, Lennon.

You’ve been accepted as Colette Young with the FC Emmy Rossum. Saying wow five hundred times would not adequately describe how we felt about your audition. The depth you put into Colette was incomparable. she already had so many issues, and you were cruel enough to add to the pot. You are just such an incredibly talented writer, and we can’t wait to watch this town devour your characters.

Please send in your account within the next twenty-four hours.

desired character  →  colette wanda young

face claims  ⟨⟨ please list 2-3 options ⟩⟩ →  emmy rossum, phoebe tonkin

why do you want this character  →  Colette is a fascinating character to me; her skeleton suggests that there is a lot more than what meets the eye which I positively love. It’s not that she’s stronger than she seems, it’s that she is likely weaker. The first bullet point suggests someone who is fearless and blunt, but the fact that she allows these men to walk all over her suggest something else. She reminds me a lot of the women I grew up around- truly southern women. Not the bless your heart church goers, but the redneck wives that are tough as nails but ‘know their place.’ I have a love/hate relationship with that trope and I wanted to try to make it my own.

character quote  ⟨⟨ this can be dialogue that your character has said, a song lyric, etc. just something that catches the vibe of your person ⟩⟩ →  i have survived so many fires, i can no longer tell if i am alive or still burning

possible future plot ideas  ⟨⟨ this could be pertaining to a certain direction you wish to take your character as well as connections and potential plots with other characters  ⟩⟩ →

I’m still trying to feather out exactly where I think Colette would go but I do have a few basic connections with most of the groups already existing in bumfuck.

i. The MCs; Obviously, she works for them, she fears them in her own way, and she fucking despises them. I would love to see how her interactions differ between the older more racist members and the newer ones. She would be weary of all of them and I can’t see her being fond of Hunter at all- ‘yes ma’am. no, i don’t mean hunter- i mean ma’am. because like it or not having that name don’t make you better than me, ya’ fuckin’ bitch.’ Colette hates it when people talk down to her and I could see Hunter doing that a lot- doing woman’s work at all that. It would really rub her the wrong way because of everyone involved with the MCs, she would expect Hunter to get it. And the fact that she would treat her the same way as the testosterone fueled dumbasses, boils her blood. If anything, she might try to fuck Leo to secure her position in the bar, and to make sure one of his trigger happy minions won’t shoot her if she ever snaps at them.

ii. Church Goers; Depending on how long the members have been there, they might remember Colette and her siblings coming to church every Sunday. Or when they suddenly stopped because their momma was serving life in prison for shooting their daddy in the head. It wouldn’t be that shocking if one of them reached out to her family following the tragedy of their father’s death. Colette fucking hates the church and everything that has to do with religion but she likely sees a lot of them around town. She has probably butted heads more than once with Jeremiah and Juliet, which isn’t doing her any favors. As her skeleton stated, she’s likely served multiple church goers and she loves having something over the self proclaimed saints.

iii. The Law; She, like any self respecting redneck, does not much care for the police. She doesn’t trust them and even though it has been over ten years since she shot her father, she is still worried that someone is going to reopen the case of her father’s murder and find her guilty. No one, save for one of her younger sisters, knows that she was the one that killed her father. I would love to see that fear explored on a deeper level.

iv. Meth Ring; Her family- her father, her mother, her brothers and sisters- have all dabbled in the drugs and meth has always had a place in her family’s home. Her siblings have probably dealt for the ring before. I could see her father have worked for or with the ring before, but if that doesn’t comply with what you guys had in mind I totally understand. Either way, I think that she, or at least her family, would be well known to the ring. Remi is, of course, another connection that I think would be amazing because I can’t see how this relationship wouldn’t be toxic as hell. As much as Colette knows that she’s addicted- like really fucking addicted to the point that she’s turning into her dearest mother- she can’t stop. That’s the great thing about addiction, ya see. And she probably has a love/hate relationship with Remi, loves that he keeps giving her what she wants but hates him because she sees him as something of an enabler.

v. Other- Character Specific; Colette could have a very interesting relationship with Rhys, simply because he likely frequents the bar she works at and he’s associated with the criminal justice system so she already has a chip on her shoulder against him.

Other - General;

- Colette is very protective over her siblings, particularly her younger sisters. She’s acted as the ‘father with a shotgun’ for much of their lives so she probably could have threatened someone who was attempting to fuck one of her siblings.

- Colette is a sucker for a pretty face - well, not really, but she does get around a lot. I could see her having one or more fuck buddies.

- I can’t imagine Colette has a lot, or really any, friends, but I imagine that she has one or two from high school or childhood that remained in her life. After all, with how fuckin’ small bumfuck is, it would be impossible not to.

Ｈ Ｉ Ｓ Ｔ Ｏ Ｒ Ｙ

biography  ⟨⟨ minimum of 400 words ⟩⟩ →

tw: rape, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, abortion, murder

John Young, a cousin fuckin’ good ole boy, had nine children with Claudette Pickens; most of his kin were following in his footsteps of making a career out of being incarcerated. His fourth child and first daughter, Colette Wanda, was the apple of his eye. Of course, that meant instead of slapping her around like he did his boys, he saved her until she was old enough to take him to bed. The first eight years of her life were relatively happy; her house stunk of meth and cigarettes and desperation, but she thanked the Lord above that her daddy loved her enough not to put out his cigarettes on her arms. Her brothers got the brunt of her father’s anger, though on occasion he would strike Claudette with a beer bottle. But his daughters, his precious little girls, would remain untouched until a certain age.

She tries not to think about her childhood after her eighth birthday, the year John said she became a woman. The touch of older men is still enough to make her stomach turn and her hands twitch towards her knife. The years after that didn’t matter much to her. They were spent hiding bruises on herself and on her siblings, learning how to hold her liquor and when to switch daddy from bourbon to apple juice, how to throw a punch and how to take one. It cultivated a pistol in her mouth, one that caused her father to promote her from a bedwarmer, to a punching bag and a bedwarmer. Her momma was so proud.

Colette tries not to think about the years between eight and fourteen. She was fourteen when her father got her pregnant. She was fourteen when she had her first and last abortion. She was fourteen when she started sleeping with a knife under her pillow. She was fourteen when her father tried to sneak into her room and she stabbed him in the eye. He lived; Colette was in the hospital for two weeks- fell down the stairs, her mother said. When she came back, her father stopped coming into her room.

Colette was fifteen when she went to her first funeral. She was fifteen when her father was killed by a bullet that was lodged in his head. She was fifteen when her mother went to prison for life for his murder- one look at Claudette’s rotting teeth and arms covered in track marks and the jury couldn’t deliberate fast enough. She was fifteen when she had to keep the secret that still haunts her. She isn’t sorry that she took the shotgun off the wall and shot her father dead. She was sorry he was standing over her little sister when he fell over with a bullet blasted through his brain.

Two of her older brothers were over eighteen, but both of them were serving time when the rest of the children were left without any sort of parent to speak of. Colette and her siblings were ready to fight tooth and nail to force that state’s hand and let them all stay together. Fortunately for the Young siblings - or unfortunately depending on one’s view - child protective services in bumfuck were lack luster to say the least. No one wanted to waste the time or resources on children who would likely end up in prison and someone else’s problem sooner or later. Colette and her twin brother, Carl, were the ones to carry the family and take care of the younger siblings. Carl immediately dropped out of high school, but Colette attempted to stay for another year. Eventually she had to drop out to work full time. As far as her employers at Legs knew, Colette was well over eighteen, though most people knew that the eldest Young daughter was barely sixteen.

When she was offered a job at Snake ‘n’ Jake’s, she was more than willing to leave her job at Legs. The MC set her goddamn teeth on edge but working with limp dicked bible thumpers who got off on calling her a whore when they only lasted twelve seconds was making her go out of her goddamn mind. Colette never had the longest fuse when it came to… well, anything- she much preferred to come out fists swinging instead of taking shit endlessly. She figured that working with drunken patrons would be a slight step up from working at Legs. It takes every ounce of her self control not to crack a bottle of beer over the patrons’ heads but she’s managed so far. She hates how much the bar, or rather who owns it, feels so familiar to her. The guns, the drugs, the white supremacy- reminded her of daddy dearest and her brothers. As much as she hates her job, it’s not as though she can quit, or get fired- there’s not much employment options for a high school drop out without a GED or much anger management to speak of.

3-5 factoids  ⟨⟨ these can be as simple as a few of their favorite movies and colors, to something more complex that you feel fleshes out your character  ⟩⟩ →

i. She grew up with a father that was very handsy, to put it politely. People, especially men that are much larger than her, touching her sets her teeth on edge. Most of the time, she would unload her glock into their skull, but at work, she is unable to do so. That doesn’t stop the thought from entering her mind everytime an MC gets a bit to close. Her patience has never been that impressive, and it’s wearing thinner and thinner as time goes on.

ii. Colette wouldn’t say she has a vendetta against the church, but she sure as fuck doesn’t believe in their God. As a child, she and her mother would attend every Sunday service and she would pray every week to God above to save her from the awful monster that was inside her daddy. And she never felt any relief. As an adult, she is incredibly bitter about the church and any who place their faith in the old building- or the crook who preaches there. Colette is thankful that most of those high and mighty bible thumpers stay the fuck out of her bar. On the rare occasion that one of them stumble into a seat before her, she maintains composure enough to allow them to come to confession over cheap whiskey.

iii. Despite working for the MC, Colette is positively disgusted with the views the club has about… literally everything. Everything they spew is literal bullshit. She’s lived in bumfuck just as long as the rest of them, and she knows exactly how hateful this town is. She doesn’t agree with any of it, and she’s fairly certain that at least one of the member have caught her snickering at their dated ideals. She’s been able to brush it off, batting her eye lashes and flattering them with compliments until they dropped it. Colette knows she needs to get her mouth under control, for her own safety and stability. She might think all of them are fucking idiots that she doesn’t agree with but she happens to agree with living and having a stable income, thank you very much.

iv. She wouldn’t say that she is an avid defender of the second amendment but she is damn sure that she’s not going to get hurt because some cousin fuckin’ good ole boys come in and decide to test her. Because of this, Colette is always armed. Always. She always has her knife attached to her thigh and she keeps a gun underneath the bar at work. Every room in her house has at least one firearm, though all of them are hidden from the house’s other occupants.

v. Colette and those of her siblings that aren’t incarcerated live in their childhood home. Plenty of her siblings and cousins pass through the house when they’re out on bail, and are welcome to stay as long as they follow Colette’s rules namely - ‘you touch one of my kids and they will never find your body’ - but she is the oldest permanent occupant. As such, she currently resides in the old master bedroom, formerly owned by her parents. There are still bullet holes in the walls and there’s a stink of meth that a decade couldn’t waft out but she prefers it to the time that she had to share her bedroom with three or more people.

[blessedsinnersrp-blog]

Follow your fellow sheep down to the slaughter, T.

You’ve been accepted as Serafina Wolfe with the FC Emeraude Toubia. Your audition hopped into our inbox, and completely defied the shallow vision we made of Serafina. We provided applicants with a basic idea, and you came back with a fuckin’ CHARACTER. Your dark twist on the brilliant light that is Fina was beyond our wildest dreams. We have no doubts that you’ll do us proud.

Please send in your account within the next twenty-four hours.

desired character  → Serafina Wolfe

face claims  ⟨⟨ please list 2-3 options ⟩⟩ →, Emeraude Toubia,  Paulina Singer,  Shay Mitchell

why do you want this character  →  I want this character because Serafina is just so understated. She’s this ray of sunshine in swamp mud, the cool touch to a fevered body,and there is so much freedom for her to grow. I want this character because she’s got such a spirit and I’ve never been drawn to a character quite like her and I just have to apply for her.

character quote  ⟨⟨ this can be dialogue that your character has said, a song lyric, etc. just something that catches the vibe of your person ⟩⟩ →"a great “fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke.”

possible future plot ideas  ⟨⟨ this could be pertaining to a certain direction you wish to take your character as well as connections and potential plots with other characters  ⟩⟩ → I’d like to see her have a confrontation,maybe with a Christian,some situation that causes her smile to fracture and that carefully engineered sunshine to grow dark.  I want her to make friends outside of the coven and for that to cause tension as she is exposing herself to the other world. Forget the smile, I want to see her roar.

anything else ⟨⟨  you can add extra character points, aesthetic posts, page tags, and so on and so forth. this is optional and you are more than welcome to leave it blank. it will not hinder your acceptance in any way ⟩⟩ →  I made a playlist for Serafina that you can find here.

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biography  ⟨⟨ minimum of 400 words ⟩⟩ →

Swamp Lemonade & a teddy bear with  no legs are the first words that Serafina would use to describe her home in the bayou. Her mama would tell her stories of life before she was born, life when they didn’t have to hide. Serafina lapped up the stories like a kitten to milk but she knew why they could never leave the bayou. Despite the wanderlust,Serafina was a dedicated witch,with gentle quiet ways of studying their faith and keeping a journal with everything she  had learned to one pass it on her to her baby and her baby’s babies.   Her mama filled her from top to bottom with so much love and respect for their culture and respect for herself.  

But outside their shack, her mama was anything but the being of light Serafina put on a pedestal.  Her mama would come home with cuts and scratches from getting into fights with other witches,shutting herself off in her room with no explanation.   Her mama’s actions isolated her from themselves from the rest of the witches,just when Serafina  was in need of  a friend. From then on, Serafina  never made it past the porch without her permission  as her mama’s paranoia that other witches were out to get her grew.  Her education grew more intense ,focused, and  when  Serafina found an affinity for the deity  Papa Legba, her mama declared that there was no more that she could teach her.

And then Ronette Wolfe was gone.

Not dead in the swamp somewhere or a trophy carcass for hunters, she just disappeared into thin air. Her mama’s enemies say she ran off with some bible thumper. And turned her back on their way of life  Wherever her mama went, Serafina quickly learned she didn’t want to be found. Rather than be known just  as the betrayer’s daughter, Serafina left her little home and went in search of a coven to give all her heart to.

The search within the bayou was hard and word of her mama’s betrayal traveled fast. But when she found the twins, it was like the sun was shining just for her that day as the companionship she wanted  she got and then some.Together Zahra,Vienna, Ruby and herself had a  bond that Serafina could feel in her corners of her soul. They asked for nothing in return for her loyalty and love  and for that reason only Serafina put her guilt aside from no longer looking for her mama as the coven became the only family she needed.

When someone decided to fuck up her family and kill Vienna,Serafina never thought her heart could hurt so much.  The stinging ache of seeing her coven in pain compelled Serafina to follow her coven in their pursuit of Vienna’s murderer even when it lead her to the middle of nowhere town.  She wanted nothing more than for her coven to be safe and for Ruby to find some closure had when the killer was finally caught, the creepy little town had provided her stability that she craved and the toothless hicks she didn’t.

Putting her skills with botany to good use, Serafina contributes to their sale of pot to get by while adjusting to life  in the human world.  Their business brings all sorts of people their way and Serafina sees it as a good thing,perhaps showing the human world there’s  nothing to be afraid of.  Even with her bright side getting brighter each passing day, Serafina can’t help but worry for her still recovering coven. She understands that vengeance and healing are two branches from  the same tree but she worries that all the light she brings to the coven won’t able to protect them from whatever Bumfuck has in store for them.

3-5 factoids  ⟨⟨ these can be as simple as a few of their favorite movies and colors, to something more complex that you feel fleshes out your character  ⟩⟩ →

Serafina may have a hippieesque mindset but her style of dress is anything but. She likes anything tight-tight dresses, tight shorts,crop tops no matter the weather. For some strange reason, she only buys white clothes,maybe a subconscious mockery of the association of white with purity but white is her color . Her aesthetic is angelic stripper but she doesn’t see herself as any else if she’s covered up or if she’s serving cleavage.

A while back,Serafina stole a puppy off the back of a pickup truck,not knowing it was a Siberian Husky. At first she was afraid it wouldn’t survive the heat but now the doggo is huge and happy. Her name is Sweet Baby and unless you are Ruby,Zahra,or Serafina she will rip you apart. Sweet Baby’s favorite place to relax is  in Serafina’s arms like an actually human baby and much to the chargin of her coven, Serafina carries her everywhere.

Serafina has severe asthma,she’s had since she was a kid and while her mama had worked with natural remedies to combat it,,she did end up leaving the bayou only one time to see a doctor about it. As she got older, Serafina found what worked best for her was vape a certain subset of weed she’s learned to make herself. She never leaves home without her vape pen and her inhaler.

She loves wood carving and wherever they go,she also leaves a little wooden sculpture of a deer or a rabbit as a thank you. The cashier at the grocery store  has twenty of them even though they keep telling Serafina she doesn’t have to do that every time they ring her up.

The deity that Serafina identifies with most is Legba,the sun god. She gets her strength from her prayers to him and loves the fact that in lore he takes the place of an unassuming old man but holds all this power within him.