#like online friends also and idk what i did but its stressing me out

[eirian]

so me and eden talked about it and ive decided to take a sort of internet break with her, just for a week or so. i hate hate hate being so dependent on the internet (particularly social media) for both entertainment and socialization and i feel like being online so much and relying on it for SO LONG (since i was maybe 11?) has really been detrimental to my mental health. and since ive made rent for this month i feel like now is a good time to just step away for a bit.

i still unfortunately rely on the internet for my livelihood--i HAVE to take commissions in order to make rent, provide food, etc, so i wont stop posting art or taking commissions! i'll just be less social i guess. i wont make any posts or reblog anything, i'll just be posting art and contacting ppl abt commissions.

i want to spend more time with my wife. i want to go outside more. i want to hang out with irl people more (i literally have no irl friends). i want to go to meetups. i want to disconnect from the internet so bad i HATE relying on it as much as i do. i mean this so unironically i want to touch grass again

im ngl. i also talked w eden about possibly starting up an irl small business for my art--something along the lines of basically being a caricature artist again, but this time self employed. i'd have my own brand and go to parties and draw people, and volunteer at the local children's hospital sometimes too and draw the hospitalized kids. im honestly just trying to think of ANY job that would help me ease up on being so reliant on social media for income, if possible, that would still be fun for me and not absolutely kill my mental health like my previous irl jobs did. dont get me wrong i love drawing yalls ocs! but i cant charge as much as i should be b/c i dont have enough of a following/demand, so i have to take a lot of commissions before im able to make a decent living. it sucks.

if i could charge more to where i only had to take maybe 3 commissions a month in order to make rent, thatd be ideal. id still love to do commissions for a living! i love drawing your blorbos and i honestly dislike the idea of going back to caricature art--its not my passion by a longshot and its very stressful to do live art so quickly. but im just trying to think of anything to help at this point u_u i cant get on ssi b/c then we wouldnt be able to use my bank account for income and we'd basically have No Money To Do Anything Freely Anymore. so i gotta just. stick with what im doing. IDEALLY id be able to take commissions and post art while not being necessarily Active on social media anymore, but idk how to make that work just yet or if thats even a thing i could do..

anyway. TL;DR im going to take a semi-break from social media/the internet for about a week, but i'll still post art + take commissions + accept messages from close friends on discord. i want to HEAL, man

[slenderverse]

on worrying you seem like youre faking DID because you dont talk about it. i also have this anxiety but because i worry i talk TOO MUCH about having DID. theres no "correct" amount to talk about your complex trauma disorder with anyone, its about personal comfort and what you feel good sharing with others. its perfectly normal not to bring it up often especially if you dont experience switches often, it doesnt make your experience any less real!

THATS WHAT IVE FIGURED.... like i do not want to talk abt my trauma disorder that came from constant child abuse and isolation that became unmanageable when i was in my teens (when rapid switching actually occurred) bc i was in a bad environment. the last times forced switches have happened were in very stressful situation and idk its good that i havent been having them. however it still feels very strange to be able to summarize my beautiful trauma disorder to my friends as "yeah they wouldnt fucking shut up while i was playing minecraft". obviously they do more than that. my alters talk to me in my head and are often the reason why i get anything done (imagine if ur conscious was alive and several people who had different opinions and got into extremely loud arguments in ur head)

idk. talking abt my DID is complex because while it is something that i experience and affects me daily, it doesnt present how its been discussed online and shown in media. honestly it more aligns w the public perception of schizophrenia (the whole thing about 'THE VOICES!!' type of shit). which has made me relating to modern language used about DID very difficult. like are they even alters if they rarely front and do "alter" things, instead just talk to me and each other in my head and sometimes out loud? IDK !!!!! MEDICAL MYSTERY !!!!

[all-inmoderation]

"About the Blogger" Meme

thanks for tagging me <3 @razielim

Star Sign(s): Gemini sun (Libra moon, Libra rising)

Favorite Holidays: Eid, and my birthday hehe

Last Meal: Cereal

Current Favorite Musician: Well, Kendrick Lamar was in my top artists for spotify wrapped this year because I listened to his latest album a lot, so I guess him

Last Music Listened To: First Person Shooter by Drake ft. Jcole lol

Last Movie Watched: omg I watched the movie Nimona and loved it! and before that I was obsessed with Across the Spiderverse for months.

Last TV Show Watched: Just started watching Blue Eye Samurai. its soooooo gooddd. and before that I watched Arcane (i'm late) and I also loved that. and before before that I watched The Bear (wow thats a lot of shows in a short period of time i dont usually even have the stamina to watch shows ngl). Has anyone noticed that Caitlyn Kiramman and Mizu look very similar ? lol

Last Book/Fic Finished: omg THE sydcarmy fic "Fundamentals for the Fun and the Mental" by @bioloyg

Last Book/Fic Abandoned: damn idk, maybe the academic books I have to read for my intro to islam class. those thangs are hefty im not reading more than what is assigned

Currently Reading: Islamic Feminism in Iran by Fereshteh Ahmadi. it's research for my final paper in the intro to islam class. very interesting and enlightening tbh

Last Thing Researched for Art/Writing/Hyperfixation: see above. my topic for the paper looks at how iranian muslim women have reconciled with their religion as it was being used against them pre and post-revolution. there's a lotttt of material out there on the topic. despite what we've been led to believe in western culture, my professor stresses that iran is actually the most secular country in the world. and when you look into the history you can clearly see why that is.

Favorite Online Fandom Memory: meeting my friends during the atla renaissance <3

Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Drag You Back In/Have A Resurgence: the atla fandom was/is so obnoxious but in its height in 2020 it was fun seeing a really rich meta appear on the dash for every 5 dumb opinions. everybody was making gifsets and art and fics and it was so much fun. now its slowed down a bit and the only parts of fandom still kind of active are the shippers lol

Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" but You Wish It Did: more like a fandom within a fandom- im glad that the "zukaang" ship stayed pretty niche within the atla fandom. like it wasn't so tiny but we stayed in our own spaces (and rlly won the idgaf war when it came to the hate) and it was just full of mature wonderful people writing THE best meta and fics and just genuinely enjoying the show, which was rare in the fandom (ironically enough)

Tempting Project You're Trying to Rein In/Don't Have Time For: so many. i have so many ideas and fics that cross my mind whenever i watch something new but i never have time for them :(. i started a spiderverse miles x miles42 fic and never got to finish it :(((. maybe after finals 🤞

Tagging: @squippy-lemonwhore @enosimania @thefudge @currymanganese @thinkingisadangerouspastime @catty-words @bioloyg @praetorqueenreyna @lady-tortilla-chip @irresistible-revolution @donkeylauncher @unseemingowl as well as ANYONE ELSE who wants to.

[chamoemileclown]

saw someone else post about this and i really agree i think it just wasnt the right time for purgatory, the stakes were there but the vibe and the point in roleplay development for individual characters just.. wasnt it for me. I dont know what they have planned for the future so i cant say it shouldve happened later, but i think because of all the trips and vidcon the charas had just gotten to a point where they had started healing from their kids going missing only to be thrown into this, which can be a good point narratively but theres also a couple other things that kinda just didnt let it work out for me tbh

a lot of it was just the rules and events were weird? that probably makes no sense. but like from a viewer pov it felt like the characters were beta testers for this and the rules have been constantly changing, so its hard to get comfortable in. Like when theres a set of consistent rules teams are able to more accurately strategize and such and they couldnt really do that? so it just felt like weird improv the whole time which theyre very good at but it was just.. like idk unbalanced? thats a dif point that contributed

like etoiles pointed this out that they balanced the teams (not really imo) in game but not fandom-wise, like certain teams had a very large fanbase and certain others had a very small one, etc etc. And like for example blue team had much less people on consistently but by the time they realized that it was probably too late to change teams without an event like the one recently splitting green. I feel like the admins tried to mix up the players outside of their usual friend groups but it just kinda cut the ints in half? i know cellbit didnt wanna kill roier, bad was very isolated from all his regular friends and therefore nobody wanted to talk to him (he wasnt on their team), tubbo was kinda suffering because he couldnt use create. Red team was overwhelmingly loud, blue was crushingly quiet, green was... tbh not on a lot of the time. Not good to watch from most POVs

i could be wrong about a couple things but like this is my general feeling on it, odd timing and weird balancing combined with toxic fandoms caused by competitiveness within the streams kinda ruined it for me, you can only curate ur experience so much

I really like how you put the first part because it was also something that I had felt about the event but I couldn’t really pinpoint why? I’m sure that a lot of the planning came down to a lot of stuff we can’t see behind the scenes like trying to be mindful of the ccs/ admins schedules but scheduling purgatory so far out from the disappearance really changed a lot. Like I just got used to not having the eggs and being fine with that and a lot of the ccs did sort of move on/ adapt to it. Obviously most people want the eggs back safe but I think some novelty has worn off after being away from them for so long. I think purgatory would’ve had more of an effect if the wound was more fresh when purgatory took place it would’ve made the stakes higher and I don’t think as many people would be saying “oh I don’t care if the eggs die at this point just end purgatory.”

Also the rules changing I noticed too was really jarring from day to day. I feel like a lot of the qsmp is like this and it’s a product of the admins being quick to respond to complaints in general and changing things accordingly. In my ideal world where the admin team could’ve just run the event with a test group to almost like stress test the rules? but i doubt that’s a very viable option. It would’ve been nice to see teams strategize more than play off the cuff in the limited time frame they have I feel like that only really rewards people with spontaneous playstyles

I think a lot of the problems with balancing fanbases revolves around people not knowing how to act online. The qsmp has long stretches where there isn’t much character conflict so that’s attracted a lot of people who feel really attracted to one pov and just don’t know how to handle conflict. We’ve seen this stuff outside of purgatory like during the entirety of the elections arc and when characters have an insignificant argument in rp. I don’t think you could balance viewers while also balancing skill but its definitely a problem that exists and doesn’t really have a clean solution. Also I do think the division of teams was to encourage different people to interact or possibly drive more in rp angst but it did fall flat in ways that were unintended.

Overall I think a lot of purgatory was trying to cater to a lot of people at once but thats just not working. I enjoyed the event from the standpoint that no matter what the admins want a good audience experience and they wouldn’t intentionally let us down. This seems more like a fundamental flaw in the server maybe? That it’s just not structured to be doing competitive game in this format at the very least.

[luvlyhyunjin]

The whole situation is so complicated 😭😭😭 like all characters are soooo so complex, especially y/n :((

Tbh yes, Yeji has low key bene a bit mean to y/n and stuff even before she found out the truth, but that’s justifiable bc she was defending her friend, aka Hyunjin! And ofc if I put myself in her shoes, if my friends’ ex left my bff all heart broken, ofc I would have some sort of sour feelings :((. But ofc it’s always important to note that when a relationship ends, it’s not ab finding who to blame! I relationship ends bc it’s simply not meant and that’s ok, that’s just life ://. So imo I do think Yeji is valid for not being all for y/n and Hyunjin BUT idt she needed to be a bitch ab it. However !!! The way she reacted to the news ab the bet and SEUNGMIN, I get that bc in her perspective she was trying to look after Hyunjin.

For Hyunjin’s POV, idk I think it rlly depends on the person. Bc yes y/n did a lot of questionable things, and tbh he rlly does have the option to not listen to her bc tbh if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t either AKSJSKSJA bc like wth !!! I’m online w h and turns out ur doing sm shiz behind my back like ?!?! However, when his own friends shit talked y/n, I thought that was below the belt. It’s natural they don’t like her for what she had done, but Hyunjin still loves her, and love doesn’t just go away. Bc idk maybe it’s a me thing, but when my friends jus breakup w an ex, I make it a point to never talk shit, even if I rlly want to in the first few weeks or so bc it’ll also hurt my friend bc they still love them! That’s why I did find it a bit weird that Hyunjin didn’t rlly tell them to stop but we r all different and deal w our feelings differently. I think it was normal he blocked her bc he needs to heal and get some space fr. Like I said it’s rlly up to him if he wants to listen to y/n. Bc I’m 100% sure she has her reasons but ofc it’ll be hard to listen to her bc he did give her chances to admit the truth but she was scared and never took the chance, so that’s on her.

Tbh I think all of them are just acting immaturely which is rlly normal and human of them! Like I don’t rlly support how some of them r dealing w it, especially w Hyunjin’s friends talking shot ab y/n, the girl he still has feelings for IN FRONT OF HIS FACE :((. Idk like I said, for me I think it’s below the belt bc one, he did love her once :((. Valid for them to not like her but they should give Hyunjin some space from the situation bc it just seems like they’re making it ab themselves. They could’ve just asked how he was and continued from there :((. Idk :((

And for y/n I cannot stress this enough, she should’ve said smthg :(( everyone’s been telling her to come clean and Hyunjin even gave her the chance but she never did, so it rlly gave d impression dat she was playing w Hyunjin and his friends. I think she should’ve said smthg sooner and should’ve jus been honest from the get go. Bc I’m sure Hyunjin would’ve been hurt by what happened and what she did, but at least it would give Hyunjin reassurance that she is honest w him. And it’s understandable that y/n is sort of acting dis way bc of her own personal issues, but dat doesn’t justify her reasons, and doesn’t justify hurting someone else whom is harmless. So I think y/n is in a place of reflection and hopefully she finds some peace :)).

Mad for Chan, I mean ofc he will tell Yeji AKSNWM she is his friend and ofc all the shiz he found out was rlly like messed up so ofc he will tell her, it’s a normal response. I mean he could’ve clarified it w wooyoung, Yuma, and y/n, but idt they’re close to begin w so AKSNAKANA.

Long story short, theyre all just rlly emotional and I think they’re all sort of acting impulsively which is normal :)).

Idk how this whole situation is gonna unfold but I’m rlly hoping for the best for all of them!!

yess this is why i kept saying this is so complicated bc its one of these situations where we could go back and forth on what everyone could have said and did when everything the characters do doesn't always have to be morally correct when they have different personalities and feelings/past judgements are involved thats just very unrealistic i also mentioned to keep note of the pain being so fresh and the shock is settling in bc yk sadness and pain are such complex emotions they could turn into rage or have you thinking differently/irrationally. if this was after a while maybe i could for sure see felix or hyunjin being like "okay guys this is not cool stop it" bc time could have passed and their opinion on yn wouldnt just bc focused on this one bad thing she did

I do agree w u that this felt selfish to hyunjin i think his feelings are not being validated in this situation, his friends are only validating yejis side which is that yn is100% a villain in her story so the first thing she feels for yn is anger and just that. where for hyunjin the way he feels about yn is soso complex bc this is a person who he loved and still loves, shares a past with and thought of her as his soulmate thats why it made so much sense for me that he's isolating himself he doesnt feel like he has a safe space to talk about yn and express his grief and the complexity of still missing her,loving her its similar to the start where he couldnt talk abour his feelings for yn w yeji and only talked about them to lix

Also the whole bangchan situation i do think if someone else heard them things would be different i do believe if it was changbin in that situation he would have 100% talk to yuna and woo first but with chan he had showed multiple times that he doesnt really care about yn and her friends like that and it had been shown also that he's not really a logically thinking person like he had said questionable things throughout the series so

omg thank you for writing ur thoughts to me in detail this is so fun to read and i lovee getting to discuss everything so i hope ur feeling the same as i said its so interesting to see so many different opinions and views this just goes to show how complex we are as humans!! i love it🥹🩷🩷

[moonjxsung]

STAAARRR I NEED UR ADvice . PLZ

ok so theres this concert happening next thursday that i may or may not already have bought tickeys for without asking my parents and my parents are VERY STRICT AND WILL NEVER ALLOW ME TO GO TO A CONCERT AT ALL. ESP AT THE TIME ITSBAT (8-10 PM SO ITS LATE) AND SO . I was being a little devious and thought of some excuses. that it was a dinner conference for my internship which i had to go to bcs i didnt go to the one during the winter. which came off well to my mom but her only response was “ohhj thays late…its ok ur dad can wait outside the venue” UMMMMMMMMMMMmzzzzzzUELP . I did research and the venue is literally ONE HUGE ROOM. LIKE THE EXITS LEAD STRAIGHT TO THE STAGE AND THE FLOOR SO I CANT EVEN BE LIKE “oh there was a concert and a conference happening at the same time” AGH! AND THEN MY FRIEND DID RESEARCH ONLINE THRU GOOGLE IMAGES AND SAW THAT EVEN THO THE VENUE IS INT HE CITY, THERE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE PARKING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE VENUE BCS OF HOW WIDE THE STREETS ARE. SO MY DAD CANT EVEN WAIT LIKE 5 BLOCKS AWAY IM CRURITKEKEJTKJFKEJ. AND ALSO ITS LIKE…IN THE CITY. WHOSE ACTUALLY DRIVING TO THE CITY PEOPLE USUALLY USE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. IM GOING TO SOB. THERES NO GUARANTEE THAT THE STREETS WILL BE FULL OF CARS BCS OF THAT.

so we made another plan. i think she forgot abt the conference for now bcsssaaa i mentioned it sometime last week but like. now my excuse is that my boss gave me a ticket to bring a friend and so im gonna “bring” my girlfriend. and then ill say that my gf has to do smth w her family the next day so its more convenient for her dad to pick us up and drop us off bcs he was gonna come do that anyway.

on monday, my friends and i r literally going to the venue to scout the area out im being so fr 😭😭💀

do u think itll work be honest. im also terrified of even bringing up the “conference” again bcs idk im jist SCARED 😭😭😭 But i wanna go to the concert so bad plslslsl WHAT DONU THINK. I need multipple BRAINS ON THIS. HOW DO I BRING UP THE CONFERENCE AGAIN TO MY MOM

- a very desperate and malding 💫

HELDPXPSOLEKRKRKFMEKRKKTNT THIS STRESSED ME OUT SO BAD JUST READING IT OH MY GOD 😭😭😭😭 idk if you’ve ever seen the movie New York Minute w Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen but this literally sounds like that movie JSKDKLDSKWOEKKRRK ANYWAYS my first thought before I finished even reading this was that you need to get a ride home from ur FRIENDDDD there is literally no way around it I’m almost 100% sure that if your dad waits outside the “conference” for you he’s going to know what’s going on 😭😭 but I think it makes total sense to say that your friend has something the next day so you need to get picked up by your friends’ family! Don’t even phrase it as a suggestion or a question just straight up be like “yeah her parents are picking me up so I’ll let you know when we’re all on the way home” and be as casual about it as possible! Don’t say anything that might invite more questions 😭 AND if worse case scenario you do get caught, just say there was a change of plans (keep it very vague) but don’t pile on more lies, just be mostly honest w them. Like “yeah there was a change of plans so my friends and I opted to go to this event instead but I didn’t think it’d be a big deal because I already told you guys I’d be busy that day” and if they scold you then just let it happen and don’t argue more! Parents just want you to be safe at the end of the day so you can’t blame them too much but also I don’t see an issue going to a concert if you already said you’d be out, I change plans all the time and as long as I get home safely and answer the phone when my parents call they’re usually okay w it. GOOD LUCK BESTIE LMK HOW IT GOES……… also have fun at the concert wtaf that sounds so exciting!!!! Be safe please!!!!! 🩷💘💝💓💞💖💕🫶👼✨

[obi-nob-kenobi]

Fandom AU || Obikin

Original thread on twitter

Hello_There_Ben is an (in)famous ao3 writer. The king of Dead Dove for a popular fandom. Hes been friends with artist Darth_Vader for years on tumblr. After 5 years they meet in person at a convention, seeing each other for the first time. And fall in love.

Hello_There_Ben Aka Obi-Wan Kenobi is a corporate lawyer. But since he was a teenager he’s been writing fics and posting them on every site you can think of until finally settling on ao3. Though he knew his fics aren't for everyone, to his surprise he’s gifted with art!

Darth_Vader aka Anakin Skywalker is a recent engineering masters student graduate, but back in undergrad he would stress draw. One day he got curious and went into the DDDNE tag of his favorite show, and came across Hello_Ben's fic and HAD to draw for him.

aka a very self indulgent AU but also an obikin meet cute 

After they began talking. A lot. Ben gave him tips on surviving College (it's been a while for me but you'll get through it) just as Vader stayed up and talked with him during Ben's divorce (I'm so sorry, seriously what can I do for you?) But they never saw each other's pictures.

That is until Anime Coruscant comes into town, just a 20 min bus ride from Obi-Wan's townhouse. Vader messages him that he has an artist table at the con and maybe they can finally meet up. Obi-Wan used to go to that con, stopped when it got too big, but bought his ticket. 

And the day of the con the nerves set in. He's finally gonna meet his online friend for the first time. Is he gonna get weirded out he's older (even tho he's never hidden his age, just had 30+ in his bio)? And when he finds Vader's table he's met with the most gorgeous man.

Which only makes him EXTRA nervous. Obi-Wan is in a casual-ish cosplay of their fandom (idk maybe he writes thorki or Hannigram) and he's getting self conscious of how he looks. He also has some coffee and pastries as a snack for Vader as a "hi glad to meet you" offering.

He approaches his table just as Vader finishes a purchase with a customer. He looks at Obi-Wan with his gorgeous blue eyes and handsome smile and Obi-Wan chokes on his tongue as he just spurts out "hello there" And Vader recognizes him immediately "Ben??"

Vader reaches over for him across his table. Almost knocking over his own display in an attempt to hug him "it's so good to meet you!!" And then Vader drags him over to his side of the table, and oh Vader is taller than him. Tall and handsome and full of sunshine.

Vader sells mostly prints of his work seen all over tumblr and Instagram. He also has cute stickers and buttons related to fanfic stuff (friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, Dead Dove etc) and he's getting a good amount of sales! But now all his attention is on Obi-Wan.

"Thank you for coming, I didn't expect you so soon. How's the con? Did you get anything yet?" Vader talks excitedly, already out of breath when he finally asks "oh, I didn't even ask if Ben is okay to call you by. You can call me Ani, or Anakin." A beautiful name for him.

Obi-Wan manages to get his own name out and Anakin's smile is so bright now learning it "Obi-Wan? That's such a cool name!! Why go by Ben?" It was a nickname growing up, but also more anonymous since he's a lawyer. Don't need clients to find his ao3 and tangle it with his work.

So the con goes well, Obi-Wan stays with anakin and helps him with his table. After they eat at Denny's just to talk more and it's really like talking to an old friend. Despite their age difference and distance everything they do is comfortable. Anakin has to get  To his hotel soon and pass out. He explained he actually drove 8hrs to the con the morning of set up so he's exhausted and its catching up on him. Obi-Wan walks with him to his hotel... only there's a party going on. And Anakin isn't sure where he can sleep.

He didn't know anyone else coming to the con, but he saw someone said they had room for one more to help pay and he took it, since the cost would be much less than a hotel by himself. But the host of the room had other people over. "Absolutely not, you're staying with me"

And Anakin looks at him, shocked but grateful "Are you sure? I don't want to inconvenience you." "Do you want to sleep on the floor? Come on" So taking Anakin's car they go to Obi-Wan's house. And he's already dotting on Anakin, giving him a fresh towel and--

Offering snacks but Anakin laughs saying this was more than enough and he owes Obi-Wan a lot. Obi-Wan jokingly says to join him for dinner again tomorrow night, and Anakin replies "Thai or sushi?" 

 "Thai" 

"Its a date" and then disappears into the shower and Obi-wan is FUCKED

TBC 

[metukika]

ok you needing a second to understand that tumbel in tumblr saved me from my embarrassment for having misread your message xD hell yeah haha

maybe you could write us a lil post about your favorite character & why they are that :D (soz for not doin it myself i‘m not feeling like putting anything out there today)

and don‘t decide that you won‘t ever contribute to a bigger project that touches people yet !!!!!! YOU‘RE SO YOUNG you‘ve got the whole world waiting for you and you‘re ALREADY so good at art though. your art is already touching people, no reason why that shouldn‘t work if you should ever work with others on a bigger project!!! GET OUT THEREEE i mean also take your time but IF YOU WANT THAT ABSOLUTELY SHOOT YOUR SHOT KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR OPPORTUNITIES i‘d personally love to see your work in something bigger :D nothing‘s set in stone <3 <3 <3 !!!

aww thank you so much anon! idk who you are but youre so kind to me... thats so nice!

about the whole future thing... i know i have a lot of time but i think because of some stuff coming up soon (when i leave school) im stressed about the future and my decisions in it entirely. idk what im gonna do if i need to go to the military lol like what job to take... i havent started driving and i dont understand shit about all the other stuff thats attached with going to the military im just stressed in general. i dont wanna end up staying in my parents house forever ig.

but i have a lot of time and i know that even if my connection with my friends fade away when they get recruited (which is... also something that could happen... oh god i dunno how to make irl friends) i still have my family, and probably the online world too. if i open commissions im pretty sure id get some work, but i dont think i could do that too much cuz i hate drawing things i dont wanna draw.

but, again, who knows what will happen. ill be fine haha, especially if there are people like you who care enough to write messages like these. most of my online friends are from twt so its always nice to see a tumblr fan <3 thank you anon.

(im realizing how depressed this is all making me sound like i promise its just my school hammering in the importance of the military signs up like i dont even know what part of the mess ill be in most of the time theyre teaching shit that doesnt concern me. im okay, im not dying!!)

now to actually talk about my favorite character! woohoo! happy topic change!

for the two people who read this and the one thats actually gonna read till the end, im putting a cut so this isnt annoying on ur dash (note to anon: this post is so so fucking long i know u prob asked me my fav character to cheer me up but dont force urself to read this whole thing just to be polite lmaooo but id appreciate it if anyone did cuz holy shit)

something that ive realized a while back is that usually when it comes to favorite characters of media, i have a type.

when i made this the character i had in mind where souda (danganronpa), aiura (saiki k) and teru (mp100).

after making the tweet i also thought of denji (csm) who fits right in, and also bakugou (mha) who doesnt, but he looks like half of the characters i did mention lol.

i think the whole social but nice thing came to because of all those shows and stories where the popular kid in school is the mean bully.. maybe i dislike this trope cuz i havent personally experienced any kind of bullying in my school, even as an observer so i cant relate to the experience of having this type of antagonist. the worst it ever got for me was when in fifth grade a girl made fun of me for crying and no one laughed. (shes still in my class over six years later and shes really nice not ufhduh were not friends but were friendly and i dont hold a grudge). maybe its just cuz im wholesome so i dislike any type of negative character. maybe.

that might sound stupid cuz i said i like bakugou, who i used to think of constantly, like for the entirety of 2021 he was in my mind it was annoying. but idk man not all my favs fit into this category ((shinguuji, saihara, yuuko, tweek (who also looks like them! what the fuck!) yuudai from sakana (why are they all blond?!? and men. more female characters what the fuck) barf bag (yes im an object show fan good morning)))

anyways. i like the popular but nice trope is what im saying. why are they all simps? i dont know honestly only one of the characters that i mentioned at the start is simping for someone i ship them with (terumob) (but the reason i even like teru in the first place might be cuz i saw terumob art, thought it was cute, and decided to search more art. i do that with a lot of characters when i dont watch the show (from the original list ive watched all of saiki k, watched playthroughs of the first 2 dr games, watched like a season of mp100 years ago and watched like 2 seasons of mha even before that. i get my filling of plot and character from meme videos, fanart, and fanfics. i understand enough.) and i get hooked on the ship (more examples include akiangel, kiribaku and the two gay boys from evangelion. a lot of homo happening. also whatever the fic version of this is but with denji and yoshida).

about the simping and the bakugou being mean-- i accept my character's flaws!!! i dont erase them!!! bakugou is an asshole and thats why i wanna see him get punished and learn from his mistakes, even if its a little hard! a great fic where this happens (but isnt the main storyline) is quirk: knife! which is probably my favorite non ship heavy fic, check it out!

my fav characters have flaws but just like how you need to embrace flaws in the people you love, whether that means helping them get better or accepting them, i embrace these flaws cuz it makes them who they are! souda, denji and auira wouldnt be themselves if they werent pushing the lines with their crushes and idk what the fuck bakugou would be if he wasnt what he was.

alright lets actually start talking about my favorite character now.

so, right now, my favorite character of all time is-- ding ding ding-- kazuichi souda! who i already mentioned.

look at him! idk if the one and a half people who are reading this know him, but if u know denji, who is a more popular character atm, then imagine that but more wimpy.

the first time i encountered this character i was watching game grump's playthrough of the second game. i watched their first and enjoyed it but didnt really join the fandom. i didnt know anything about the second so i was going in blind like arin and dan, so theres a chance that whatever i thought about the characters was biased and connected to how they feel.

at first i really liked his design. a lot of the characters have small and complicated details but souda is probably the most simple design, not including hinata, but unlike him souda has a lot of bright colors that draw the eye in! i dont particularly prefer designs with sharp teeth but i think its a pretty nice quirk, since its another part of him that makes him look intimidating. theres a headcanon that he filed themselves but i honestly think he wouldnt do that, and prefer the headcanon that its genetic, even if it makes less sense. but danganronpa, and their designs, dont make sense. i think these little strange quirks are better when they arent thoughtout or have reason. he has sharp teeth becuz. just cuz.

if u dont know what happens in the game im just gonna say that the plot doesnt really matter, cuz really the only growth souda experiences is with his relationship to hinata (the main character) and his trust to his survivor friends that makes him stronger and convinces him to leave the virtual reality. im not gonna be talking about the plot in detail. i also havent watched the anime so im not gonna get into whatever he does there. i do know that he makes some cute faces in it, which is pretty awesome.

but, yeah, besides his design, at the start i truthfully didnt really like him lmaooo he was kind of stalkerish towards sonia (ill prob get into their relationship later), he is also a wimp but honestly... i get it hes stuck in a killing game i would be scared of anything too. i feel like of all of the cast, from all the games, souda is probably one of the best depictions of an actual teenager that might exist. of course he has his obnoxious moments, but in a way that a dumb teenager would have. i dont know when i started liking him, maybe after discovering soudam? hmm.

kazuichi is the ultimate mechanic, which is one of the talents in the game that actually gets used? he makes the communicators in chap 3 and fixes the elevator in chap 4. besides that, he is also important to the second chapter since he helped tie up komaeda and he also brought hinata to the diner, though that has nothing to do with his talent.

he learned to be a great mechanic from working at his dad's repair shop or garage or whatever its called. its mentioned that their family is pretty poor, and i think the concept of a character being at one point or another un-wealthy pretty interesting (did that come strange? sorry). he worked to help get their family money he is a good boy, he mentions being better than his dad too. he doesnt look like the typical mechanic, except from the greasy hair and jumpsuit (im talking specifically about his color scheme) and thats another one of those quirks that make no sense but i just like haha

speaking of his parents, lets talk about a popular headcanon that fans have of souda's dad (before we start i wanna state that my opinion on this topic and the topic of souda relationship towards sonia and his trust issues were all stem from an analysis video of him on youtube, if u know u know, so if i want someone more competent talking about it go there, but if u dont care enough to research it or ure only reading because u like me and wanna hear me talk about something i care about dw im gonna go into detail about these anyways

the hc is that souda's dad physically abuses him. i wanna talk about why dont agree (if u wanna skip this part ill put *** when it ends so just go there <3). this hc stems from a story he tells hinata in one of the free time events where he didnt go to his previous school trips because he wanted to save money for his family, even though he really wanted to go, and he says something along the lines of how his dad "beat the crap outta him" when he didnt go.

do i think his dad hit him? probably. i dont really know how common this type of discipline is in japan, or in places with more un-wealthy people so this might be normal to them. does that make that okay? obviously not. but if the only example we get for him hitting souda is after souda does something good for the family in his own expense, it wont make sense for his father to be mad about it, right? i think he was upset his son had to give up his happiness for them, even if it was to save money. the analysis vid said it might be souda just using more dramatized words for it. He was hesitant to tell hinata that he was picked on at school, i dont think hed just admit to being abused so casually. i think his dad might have smacked him from time to time when he was younger but probably stopped the more souda grew up. if his dad really hated him he wouldnt beat him after doing something that would benefit the dad, is what im saying.

also i think that the way souda acts doesnt reflect someone who would be regularly abused... its not like im an expert, but if we for example look at tsumiki, who was canonically abused and bullied regularly, we can see a great difference. yes, souda tends to be caught off guard or scared of stuff, but usually its less of other people and more about the situation around him. he was scared of monokuma and the monobeasts and the morning after the killing gama announcement. he's also generally not that apologist about his stupid behavior... for example he doesnt feel remorse for tying up komaeda, and even threatens to tie up kuzuryuu too. i also think he said something about wanting to punch one of the other guys? this might be cuz he tends to blurt out his thoughts stupidly and doesnt know how to hold his tongue (something that, if he was abused, would probably get him in trouble) but he never recoils from what he said. he whines about being judged, like after letting slip that he was thinking of sonia in a creepy way, but he never goes back and is afraid that someone might punish him or hurt him. like how tsumiki apologizes for the smallest thing at claims that she'll take any punishment.

it might also be because i generally dont like hcing characters with abusive parents haha. i know for a lot of characters its a part of what makes them who they are, but if thats not the case i feel like its always to excuse the character from some frowned upon trait they have.

its a bit difficult to explain so ill take an example from a different character from a different show. todoroki from mha was abused as a child, and its a part of what makes him him, and its a big part of his character, even if hes not in that situation anymore. i wont deny it. now, theres a hc that some people like to believe about bakugou's parents, specifically his mom, being abusive. this isnt canon. first of all everyone is entitled to hc what they want but a lot of the time i feel this is a way to explain his asshole behavior (also i just love mitsuki). i dont like excusing his fucked up actions and blaming his parents. i think that him being an asshole from the ideals that he himself made is kind of what made him interesting. he believes in what he learned from his own experiences that he and only he had. his stupid child thinking made him the gross person he is, and thats way more interesting than blaming his parents' behavior, like we can do with reason in todoroki's case. todoroki acts antagonistic at the start of the show because of the pressure his dad put on him.

now going back to souda, by making his dad abusive a lot of people linked that to him being a creep towards sonia. while i do see how his parents and their expectations might be a motivator, i prefer to blame souda himself for his wrong actions. i dont want to excuse his actions like that. its more interesting to see him grow from the ideals and reasonings he made himself.

***

now let's talk about his relationship with hinata! woo!

canonically, hinata is the person souda is closes to in the game, even though most of the time hinata is just tolerating his stupid behavior. except in his free time events maybe. their relationship is probably the biggest character development souda gets.

lets talk about his past a little more.

souda tells hinata that he used to be picked on for looking like a nerd. he had black hair (but i hc it more like dark brown, because reminder this is a post gushing about my fav character first and an canalization second), brown eyes (in hc world dull pale brown cuz a lot of the char's eyes are dull and pale colored) and glasses (hc: thin and rectangle shaped). he's not really a nerd... except that he's probably good at math and that type of things, since he builds machines and all. if i remember correctly, he says his bullied got away with what they did because he tends to be naive and trusts too easily. he was also used by his best friend that cheated off of his test, blamed souda for it (which he didnt really mind, showcasing how much not a nerd he is if he doesnt care about his studying and tests like that) and then kinda ghosted after feeling bad. but at the time souda was really heartbroken and felt betrayed, this whole situation gave him trust issues because that his naive heart cant tell when someone really wants to be his friend or if they'll drop him when they dont need him anymore.

souda and hinata start off being friends because souda didnt like any of the other guys enough (fair enough, hinata is the most normal one lol) and he tolerated him enough to go to the diner on the second island to spy on the girls with him. at the time kuzuryuu was still an asshole to everyone, but the two do get friendlier after the second trial (survivor boys bff agenda. i did say "bff coded" didnt i?)

souda tells hinata that after his ex best friend left him, he kinda went through something-- he dyed his hair, put in contacts, and pierced his ears (which i like to think was really scare to him) (and i assume this is when he started to wear bright colors, but i like to think he was always a fan of them (aiura and teru kinnie)) to make himself more intimidating (like i said in the list! remember the list?!) so that he wont be picked on. i assume the bullying he experienced was more emotional that physical, and he was probably called names for his nerdy appearance and was made to do tasks for toxic friends and somethings like that. tsumiki was physically bullied and she has bandages all over her design while souda rolls up all his sleeves and has his collar bone exposed while there is no marks on him. maybe he's have some scars from beginner's mechanical mistakes but thats hc territory.

anyways, because of his appearance change, he got some attention from flirtations girls and said that it had intimidated him. i imagine that while he was in his nerd looking mode, he didnt get much attention from the other sex so when they only started approaching him with the assumption he's some punk badass, that was probably a bit overwhelming for him and thats why he has a strained relationship with the female sex. he does kind of sexualize the girls, specifically in the second chapter, but honestly its not really that bad. it kind of even feels a little forced, like he said nanami had "huge jugs" and wonders if this "is what moe gap is" or something like that but he doesnt even say anything about wanting her lmao. the only girl he really shows any interest is sonia, and he mostly gushes about her beauty, instead of her body. not that thats really any better ofc.

he does get along with some of the girls or at least acts normal and not incel-y towards them, like whenever he's angry at saionji, when he felt awkward next to tsumiki or when he made minimaru for owari (though he did mainly do that to impress sonia). when alter ego enoshima suggest putting him between her boobs or whatever batshit crap she said he just yelled he's get crushed, so like. good for him for not being toooo bad. so yeah i do think there are reasons why souda's best friend woudlnt be a girl (for now, at least) and thats why it really is hinata.

and while hinata has other friends, his and souda's connection is special <3 some examples: he is friends with nanami, but they dont really get each other, or at least hinata doesn't feel too connected at her at times cuz shes like a robot and doesnt really get emotions to the full extent. canonically, his and komaeda's relationship is just not... bros, yknow? whatever it is its not "bros". he and souda are bros. i know that he and kuzuryuu consider each other brothers but i feel like while the friendship they have is great, hinata would be more comfortable just letting loose and being stupid with souda. they could connect by being stupid together and distracting one another from the bad in the world by being fun. cuz souda can be fun when he isnt stressed.

but since souda is an emotional character (i dunno if i mentioned this, if u didnt know souda beforehand hes emotional as shit and cries constantly, my beloved) they can get close the two of them emotionally and are empathetic enough to be able to comfort each other. that is, when souda trusts his enough to do that.

thats right. as much as id like to say souda is loyal like a dog, he doesnt really show that in the game lol. because of his experience with his ex friend, souda has trust issues, which i think i already touched upon (idk this is so fucking long im tryna go thru this one topic at a time but good god) and these issues come up in his and hinata's relationship, mainly chap 4. to put it simply cuz honestly the plot doesnt really matter in this context: souda suspects hinata to be a traitor, and because in chap 4 the characters are not allowed to eat, this probably makes him more stressed and causes him to think even more rationally. after the chap is over, in souda's last free time event, he invites hinata to the beach and order him to punch himself.

his actions are really silly here, but basically: hinata shows in souda trust, which makes souda feel like a bad friend, because he couldnt bring himself to trust hinata even though hinata didnt do anything wrong. he feels that their friendship is unfair and that he's the cause of this problem. so i guess he knows he'll get into an argument or a fight because of it, or maybe he wants to give hinata a reason to not trust him so he bring hinata to the beach so they could fist fight. but souda doesnt like to harm people cuz soda is a good boy tm so he asks hinata to do the work for him (which he does not do lol. they communicate and talk like normal friends). this is where souda tells hinata about his past being bullied, after in the last free time event hinata said he could see souda hanging out with the cool kids, so this is where he confides that hes not a cool kid. anyways souda comes to the conclusion that hes more scared of being a bad friend and a coward because of his trust issued that actually being betrayed, and tells hinata that he'll trust him. hooray!

in my mind they are suchhhh good friends. i dont mind shipping souda with a lot of the characters, but it think their friendship is the most important to me. i love them!

now lets get into his relationship with sonia!

i do, in fact, think that his crush on her is fake. i do think he believes in it. but he does not realize that the created a version of her brought on by her general politeness, her status as a princess and her beauty, in his mind that every day strays farther away from the real sonia. he denies her liking of the occult and other scary stuff that turns him off and he acts shocked when she admits to being a virgin (yikes. at least he doesnt really shame her. i think it just ruins his image of her-- again, yikes-- but he ignores it mostly. like he ignores her, the real her, most of the times)

i dont know why he needs a romantic relationship specifically so desperately, but i can think of why he wants that puppy love admiration that he has for her. she, or at least the way he makes her in his mind, is wildly out of her league. sure he wants a girlfriend, but deep down he knows hell never get her. thats why when she turns him down again and again he only gets hurt for like a minute. she even suggests she would rather he be the blackened in the 4th trial and he gets over it pretty quickly. this is the reason he wants to like someone out of his reach so much-- because he cant get hurt from her. he isnt being betrayed or heartbroken like his ex best friend did to him (yes this is about the trust issues again) because he never expected to be with her in the first place. by expecting failure by chasing a girl that is so so out of his league (a pretty perfect princess) he knows what he gets when hes turned down. to him, this is better than actually making an effort with someone he is genuinely attached to because in that case he might actually get his feelings hurt. we see this with his relationship with hinata, though it isnt in a romantic sense. sadly, after they become close friends, he still chases after sonia, but that might be because the player isnt guaranteed to play all of souda's free time events.

this stuff probably will take time for souda to understand. ofc this doesnt really justify his actions and creepy behavior towards her... i like to think that at some point (i constantly forget that dr is a game about killing each other and the apocalypse, but ig this can take place in here too since they both survive) he understands where his problem stem from, maybe with a conversation with hinata or kuzuryuu and he learns and he asks forgiveness from sonia and changes his behavior. the long and hard way!!! my boy did something stupid and he has to make up for it!!!! he will take responsibility because thats what good character writing is!!

itll probably be difficult to come to terms that the girl in his mind, that i do believe he actually fell in love with, is not real. he will cope <3

briefly i'd like to mention souda's and kuzuryuu's relationship i think they are bffs #2 honestly i feel that the both of them plus hinata could be the best trio they are such wholesome guys from all corners of the bro spectrum let the be friends<333 idk maybe even add owari. owari and souda sibling energy <3 this is just hc territory at this point. mioda and souda sibling energy!!!!! for more kuzuryuu and souda friendship read the fic Fuyuhiko and Kazuichi's Guide to Despair Disease: A How-To Take Care of Your Friends(?) Without Spiraling Out Of Control Story. still a wip.

hmmm that was a lot. lets talk about some hcs cuz believe it or not i dont just think of his as what he is canonically, but also what he could be!

ok lets talk about appearances (still canon atm:) he is short-- one of the shortest guys in the cast cuz fuyuhiko and teruteru dont count (thats a plus) and he is, sadly, pretty ripped. it makes since cuz he prob carries heavy stuff and moves his arms a lot for his talent of being a mechanic but when a (male) character is TOO ripped and not for a good reason (for example theres a good reason why nidai or oowada are physically strong cuz of their talents, and some characters are just himbos that deserve it like momota) i just look at them like :|. but it think souda deserves some strong arms <3 he is a cuddler. he would. i just dont think he's impressively ripped. like i think he could sprint fast, but not for long, and that girls wouldnt flawk him for his arms (if they already knew who he was) cuz all in all he is still a wimp loser and he will stay as such, please and thank you.

im a big fan of his narrow eyes. theyre just. dont make sense on him i love it. just like the sharp teeth, he is blessed with looking the opposite of his personality.

now lets talk about post canon appearances! in the world of canon, where the most tragic event in history happens and they were a part of the despair refinements and they live the neo world program (i always forget they dont live in my lil modern day normal aus, ugh), i think he would wake up still looking like how he did in his depair era. idk how long theyre like that but this is my personal hc: hair that reaches his chest, some ugly dulled down pink still sticking to the tips of his messy hair, no hat </3 but his hair is long enough that he doesnt have that hedgehog thing going on </3, no contacts, no glasses, probably scars over his arms and one over the side of his lips like that rio penguin from madagascar (also curse that show for making my tiny stupid child brain think there are penguins in the desert. at least there are such a thing as beach penguins... hmm). i think he would cut his hair to be shorter that it is in canon, a bit longer than hajime's and would resemble saihara's except brown, parted and no ahoge. he wold be dispensation by the length. he would also wear a cap (the normal way) and with his natural colors back, he would look very snuggble :)) he would hug everyone he would be the comfort giver at least to the survivors (this is the part where u realize how insame i am for him lol)

in a world where the end of it didnt happen, i feel like he would feel kind lonely for a while after school, and wouldnt care enough to wear contacts and would go back to glasses, and he wouldnt dye his hair (i just really like his naturality okay i know i said i liked him at first for his colors but this is character growth! he is learning that he doesnt need to be intimidating to get friends!!!) his hair would be a little longer than canon but not by much. i just have this au where he works in an office and there he meets kamukura (who, personality wise is just hinata but depressed) and they become bffs dont at me, and this is how he looks in that au, wearing a button down without the tie and the sleeves rolled up. i do think hed wear obnoxious colors in his free time tho <3

maybe i should get into ships a little? mostly i shipped him with tanaka because i love me some rivals to lovers that isnt angst filled and is mostly just petty. theys either be salty towards each other or tanaka would be very intense in his friendship and souda would be tsundere-ish, not the obnoxious type tho. imagine how denji acts towards yoshida. (denji and souda are actually really alike. before i knew anything about csm my twt mutual told me id prob like denji cuz i like souda and.. well he was right)

but recently i dont really focus on shipping souda with anyone as much as i focus on his friendship with hinata (am i the only one who watched gg compilations and put their faces behind the silly conversations? like i imagine their sprites laughing while the video plays. is that weird? them and also saihara&momota. cuz theyre the same relationship!!! tactful mc and their friendly dumb bro! they!!!). also if u recall i made that drawing of souda with a bunch of ships so its not like loyal lol.

also why are souda and tanaka together constantly in the anime... i think its the end song where theres a slide show of all the characters in class in places like a picnic and the beach and stuff and the two of them are almost together. theyre at the very least friends. that dynamic where they both look intimidating but theyre both so fucking stupid. frienemies. <333 they are so <333 theyd be friedns at least!!! thank you for the anime for realizing that.

i also like to imagine that he and tsumiki would be friends <3 they were both bullied, they both cry a lot and arent really taken seriosuly, at least when it comes to their emotions. i think theyd hug and cry together and be friends :) also as couple they could be very cute.

i dont really know what more to say... i think this is it! i dont know what about kazuichi souda makes me love him so much. he is flawed but not to the point of being unlikable. he is unique but can easily be related to! i care about him so much... the amount of aus i come up and put him in... i dont post so much about him, but know he is my love. ofc i dont have romantic feelings for him some ppl just thirst over their favs i wanna preface that aint the case. not cuz of his age (im close to him in age) but cuz i just... dont feel and romantic or thristy feelings towards anyone so istg if anyone says something stupid to me about that.

thats all! i think this is the longest post ive ever made? when i got this ask last night i thought id write about all those characters i mentioned at the start but then when i went to bed i thought about my answer and realized i have a lot to say lol.

to the one person who actually read until the end, if u even exist (who knows myabe this was for nothing, i still had fun), you're insane. and i hope u have a great rest of ur day. if u didnt know who souda was before this... well u certainly do now (also why did u read this?) sometimes i just gotta rant about something i adore haha. its been a while since i went all out cuz me and my irl dont watch the same shows. i hope i made whoever read this love souda! at least a little!

this post is 5787 words long... im not rereading this

[sysmemes]

wait omg so it doesnt have to be a total black out and I do not have to instantly forget stuff . that changes a lot

in the end I dont think its DID specifically but OSDD-1 is very much on the table .

BPD is something I considered but I got myself in a better place emotionally and a lot of the symptoms of BPD are just . not there anymore so yeah (and I do have autism, but schizophrenia is very much not an option)

also yesterday after sending in the ask I also had a very not Average Person Experience that got me considering that I could actually be onto something here . in short i just got mad and stressed and I just started feeling like I was very much physically out of my body (and my head started hurting but idk of that's related or just me) and I ended up being much more . basically mean towards everyone . I managed to reel it in so that I wasnt harassing people that made me upset or taking it out on my friends but I am just not like that . like me I do not do that

weird stuff . and tysm for the reply I forgot to mention !!!!! very helpful

glad I could help!!

I definitely recommend reaching out to a therapist if you are able! I can't recommend the ISSTD therapist directory enough (linked at the bottom of my previous reply). Even if you don't have a CDD, therapists you find through that site are likely better equipped to treat trauma and dissociation than most. If price or location are an issue, I know many offer sliding scales and video appointments!

That sounds like a rough experience, I hope you're doing ok now ❤️❤️

I know you weren't really asking for advice here, but I'd feel Off if I didn't add this stuff:

I didn't say it earlier, but it's good to be pretty cautious about the online system community. Misinformation is everywhere (usually unintentionally), so it's good to read books and studies on CDDs to get a better understanding of how they work. People don’t share a lot of the harder parts of their disorder on social media. Some people might emphasize other parts because it makes for Good Engaging Content (I am not saying these people don’t have a CDD, just that their portrayal of it online, like the portrayal of just about any illness, is curated specifically for social media). Also, the “system content” that gets the most Publicity tends to be what people without CDDs find the most sensational, and what's portrayed in that content might not be something every system experiences (for example, blackout amnesia!).

Another piece of advice I’ve heard pretty frequently boils down to “If you're regularly in these spaces, it can become very easy to pathologize yourself. Taking a week or two away from system spaces and simply letting yourself exist as you are—however that may be—is going to be most beneficial to figuring out how your brain works.” (ty Numb Circularsys for helping me word this!! <33).

All said, I hope you're able to figure this all out and everything!!

[nathank77]

4/21/24

12:44 a.m

Okay so I looked into fb privacy setting and I don't think fb is fucking with me. You can directly control posts youre tagged in being hidden from your profile/being public. You can view for everyone.

Appearantly my main profile is very exposing and I have some privacy settings to set cause you don't even have to friend me to see almost everything which is ridiculous. That's besides the point.

I realize why the post section became empty. It's bc you have to select, "already seen," and, "recent posts." Other than that everything else goes under the person you searches name, kinda like a direct link.

So I'm going to go with this, you're here, you might have feelings for me but regardless of that- you did try to tell me you want me to be apart of your family one day. Now you're withholding doing anything but being that, "post," section was empty for so long and I didn't toggle settings I question a lot of what was there cause there is more. Things that aren't linked.

I don't want to say I'm going here or there and hoping you'll be there. Maybe I'll go to the cbd store around the 14th or something but idk I'll prob just order online. I get percentages off. It's convenient and saves me gas and money in terms of cost.

I only bring up the cbd store cause I don't go places and the towel is thrown in on glasses. I'm not wearing them anymore at least most of the time. Thats the only other activity except community service I'd be doing sometimes that wouldn't be going out of my way to find you. And I did say I'm not going anywhere to find you. I'm going places that make sense to my life. Like I'm going to New Hampshire around May 15th for cigarettes. Market basket in Swanzey. I absolutely don't expect you to be there but that's kinda my point. I'm only going places that make sense financially and is something I actually need to do.

I needed to say I tried with the glasses and I did, it was utter failure.

Idk if you want me to be apart of your family or if you see a drooling lunatic with psychosis

Now at least I know why that, "post," section was empty. I only wish I figured that out days ago.

All I know is I don't believe you'd fuck around with my feelings. I was so mad lens crafters was such a bust and I figured that one post meant we are on to west farms but I guess all I am going to say is:

Idk how you feel about me.

I'm not going to ask for confirmation. I wish you'd post the family photo but you did and it'd been up and down so much so- I will take that as you might one day reach out to me? Or try to find me? Idk..

All I know factually is there is no gray area. You aren't a provider to me or a past therapist and I'll await the day I find you somewhere I post about. Or I see a text from you. You have my number.

That Nathan at the brass mill mall will haunt me forever but my glasses were useless, yet I saw only Spanish people anyways.

I keep thinking of overboard-when the two soulmates swam to eachother. Arturo...

My brain either really wants to hang on to this delusion that you have feelings for me or there are mental messages. I don't believe in mental messages but I don't believe fb is fucking with me either.

What I believe is maybe one day you'll send me a text. Or maybe you'll use my tumblr as a way to find me but as for right now I'm not going anywhere cause I don't need anything.

Maybe I'll do community service to meet women. Idk. Working with kids make me happy but if it feels like a job I'm not doing it and also I'm always stressed anyways.

The southbury tango is off, its pricey and far and yea what's the point? Community services makes more sense. I don't have to pay to do it. I can't afford dance classes.

I hope one day you find me or just message me. I mean I love you so much I just want to be there for you and have a family that loves me. However your happiness means more to me than what I want.

[orphic-exe-archived]

(SRRY THIS IS A LOT LONGER THAN I EXPECTED IT TO BE WHEN WRITING. TAKE UR TIME ) (Taking “ask as many questions as you like” and running with it /silly) same anon from before again again. idk kind of rant incoming bcuz i don’t much much of anywhere else to! im sort of questioning being plural but with a big question mark there bcuz it could honestly just be my gender changing too much and the identity crisis 💔 and i feel like for every symptom i have there’s at least 2 more i dont. my gender fluctuates enough already but sometimes specific genders or pronouns seem to come with certain name preferences and moods (to which I’ve always referred to as different “vibes” because that’s the only way i figured to describe things). but each of these sort of “vibes” have started to actually feel like different ppl and ive started to mess around with acknowledging them separately and it does feel nice. im also realizing that even though i don’t hear any distinct voices or anything in my mind, when i think to myself it’s more of actual back and forth conversation than is normal from what ive asked some friends? i never have amnesia at all (other than the usual forgetfulness i have which is very minor) but sometimes ill do things that don’t feel like. myself? like ill forget I drew/posted/wrote something for a bit but when I see it again i remember. and I know i did it, I was there, doing it, even though i feel like it wasn’t me. and not like im not in control of my body when I do it either cuz I very much remember doing it i just dont see why or what my thought process was. i have a whiteboard in my room where I’ve started making doodles of whatever feels like “myself” at any certain time and they’re all kind of similar but still feel like distinct. ppl. and again i physically remember drawing the other ones but it’s still weird. but most of this is just me I guess, because I don’t think i ever act particularly different online or irl around other ppl, it’s always just things i observe when im alone. i also know i have problems with symptoms of things I think I might have only appearing after I overthink it but maybeeeeeee it’s just im noticing it more? probably not. oh also before I forget I’ve also never actually dissociated or anything (at least to my understanding of an out of body experience type of thing. (Well actually I did once and remember it very clearly but that was several years ago when I hadn’t slept for much longer than usual)). its just normal zoning out for me i guess. anyways idk where i was rlly going with this and ik everyone’s experiences r different and obviously strangers on the internet can’t diagnose me with anything but I just wanted to say something ^-^ thank u for reading if u did lol

hey man! i can get that it’s stressful to figure all this out. if it helps, our experiences are pretty similar! our syscovery started with name preferences, feeling really different, and pronoun/gender identity preferences fluctuating. it sounds to me like you could very well be plural!

like you said, i can’t diagnose you with anything. however, there are some ways to try and log your headmates/alters/parts (whatever you’d prefer them called)! for example, the website simplyplural (we don’t use but many systems do) or the pluralkit bot on discord (if you use discord!) these softwares can do things like track your switches, log your headmates with names, pronouns, and descriptions, and more.

there’s no harm in giving those helpful resources a try, especially if you’re seriously considering this possibility. if you have a therapist/some form of professional help, it would be really good to bring these feelings up with them as well.

for now, keep doing what you’re already doing, possibly dabble in simplyplural or pluralkit (or another resource i didn’t list — any notes app could work as well)

i’m gonna start calling you “system questioning anon” in case you have any more questions to send me, as long as you don’t mind!

i also have to apologize— all three of these asks were answered by three different headmates (kumo, oliver, and myself (olly) in chronological order.)

[taeyungie]

i haven't been happy with how i look and thus taking less photos, tho i did take one few weeks ago with friends cus i had to for her bday, i hated when she posted it. now someone i like keeps asking for recent photos (i havent taken one besides that in months) my face is constantly breaking out and i feel so shitty but they keep pressing me as if they never seen my face or something. its making me feel worse and i told them i dont feel great about how my face has been acting up but they keep asking. idk what to do. they swear they think i take photos everyday or something. i def believe tae when he said he hasnt taking a selfie in months at one point. sometimes u just dont Feel/look good despite what other ppl think

i agree with you, absolutely! it's okay to not feel your best, to not look your best, it's okay to not like to take photos of yourself, especially during those times! sometimes i don't like how important taking pics is for some people, instead of trying to live in the moment, especially if they do have a chance to see you every other day. wouldn't it be more exciting to anticipate seeing someone the next day if we had no pictures of each other? 🥹 probably, but that's not my point. that person can't pressure you so much into doing things you don't want, if their repetitiveness is starting to make you uncomfortable please tell them that directly, and don't give in if you really don't want it, because the aftermath might leave you feeling even worse ☹️ it's better to prevent. i definitely understand how you feel and how Tae felt, no matter how outstandingly beautiful we might look, sometimes we just don't feel good, and it's not a bad thing. i was faced with the same issue as you, i know how bad it feels being forced to do something that makes you feel so vulnerable, in the end pictures are permanent and the moment they are shared they're no longer our property, it feels like we are being completely exposed, it's important to rethink twice what we share online. they have to respect your boundaries, it's just a photo and it is NOT a problem if you do not want to take one, period. please stay safe, don't let anyone force you into anything you don't want to do or feel even slightly uncomfortable about, EVER, no matter how much you care about them or their opinion. your well being is top priority. but also remember that sometimes insecurities might be really getting too much into your head, love. we are faced with idiotic amount of content each day that shows us what we are supposed to look like to be considered attractive or photogenic, which creates unbelievable stress to most of us, it's not normal. you are beautiful just the way you are with the "imperfections" you think you have, which by the way are not imperfections because perfect people don't exist, and having blemishes is something we all have or had at some point, it's a part of you, so please, embrace yourself, don't compare yourself because, as they say - flowers and sunsets are both beautiful and they look nothing alike. okay, love u, take care 💖

[rntdry7896]

Honestly i have a very limited social life, idk but this on "Best friend" is always acting like my superior and i hatebit, i really have enough of it lately. I was brought up as a supporting character to my older sibling and now it feels just like im being treated like that again by the bff.

I hate it truly but while it was easier to break free from my oldest sibling its way harder to break it off with this bff because we have a business together. My anger is just that theyre really lazy... we do stuff relating to socmed and like need to post every so often but she always goes and prioritize herself l. "I dont feel well" postpone her work (she handle the posting) and the also goes" oh and also i dont like your edit its ugly", but ofc she wont do it herself, i always confirmed before posting like ok do you want to look it over and edit them and she goes "oh no haha im to lazy just post ittt" and then goes omg how can you choose that and that its so bad , hand the files over now (and its like midnight here) ok i say that due to the processing i need to got to my pc to send the files and im already going to bed, but she just sigh an goes "uugh oh well i just dont like it ok ill edit it on my own later". "But give me your editable files i dont want to look through the raws".

Mind you i already send her over all the raw material for a month ago but due to her health and vacation and such she kept postponing it. I actually need the posts up soon now as it relates to our income, but ofc she wont see it as urgent because she got money from her SO. So i kept trying to remind her like once a week to do the stuff and she kept having excuses. I really dont like fighting so i always let it go... but this has especially triggered me lately because it happens way more often and she just want to kept her share of money without working on our business... she reduces her workload to the bare minimum and just let me handle everything else... she also wasted my money alot for initiating projects she wont finish like i spent quite a sum on raw materials and its been like 2 month she just wont work on her part, we decided before already i do the base and she continues, and we sell them, i used my own money for the base and she just wont continuee it saying like she got other things to do and is busy, (honestly i know housekeeping is tough but she while sayaing busy and ignored this deadline goes and record her dancing and tiktok and have the audacity to say omg i just did some intense danceee) and when i say ok... good for you you nailed that how about the deadline and its radio silence for 3 hour

Im so stressed because we build this brand together and i am not as popular as her online (she got the influencer life and personality, people love her) and i really cannot ... i dont know what can i do if we break it off. Most friend dont even know i work on the brand they just assume shes the sole owner... and of course she doesnt go and say i worked on the stuff just subtly saying "oh ask X for that ok" while if she really does want to give me credit she can say "i dont work on that itss all X go ask them!" But no... she enver gives proper credit.. its always hidden behind wall of text or dissappearing stories 24hr limit....

Sorry for the jumbled mess i just need to type stuff out... im really stressed and i cant get to sleep because of how shes wrecking my life like i dont even know if its intentional... i hate it so much

[anxiouslyextroverted]

How do you feel about gender?

Really complicated.

Basically, I don't know what gender is or the differences and never have. As a kid, my brother wore dresses and did 'feminine things' like played with dolls and stuff. I for one played with trucks and cars and ripped batteries out of dolls. I hated dressing up in fairy princess stuff cuz due to autism i just had this inability to pretend i was someone else yk like i had a shit imagination in that way. if someone said "pretend to be invisible" kid me would be like "but im not invisible." anyway. I really liked the colour pink and saw everything pink. flash forward a bit to like 7-13 i was onn the internet a lot, reguarly stayed up to 7 am hanging with my brother. I was chronically online on multiple social media platforms. So I did see all this shit about 'tomboys' and 'boys vs girls' However I saw it all as satire and fictional. I would see posts showing boys in suits and would be like 'yeah but they can wear dresses too, no one actually is stupid enough to gender clothes' oh little did child me know that society did that 24/7.

One of my quotes I had as a kid was "True tomboys don't give a fuck about wearing "girly" clothing because boys wouldn't care about "girly" clothing because they don't care about clothes" This was my idea, because I knew that boys didn't care about clothes based on stereotypes, I knew that girls cared about clothes. (this was the only gender stereotype I believed to an extent) however child me didn't realize that boys actually did hate feminine stuff especially pink and wearing dresses. So yeah that quote didn't go well. Anway, I also was under the influence of adult cartoons since I watched southpark since 7 and onwards so I just kinda saw myself in the main 4 boys which again further made me seperate to "girl" or whatever. young me just didn't get it. I geneuinly believed girls and boys were exactly the same in everything, I believed girls were biologically as strong as boys, often wondered why i never saw girls fighting boys in wrestling, I believed they topped in all sex same as boy (like switch), I believed boys could have babies, I believed masculine and feminine clothing were for anyone and didn't mean anything, i believed clothes were clothes, I believed boys were not allowed to be shirtless and even told some guy on the stress off for quote on quote showing his breasts ect. so young me just went around thinking that stuff. So then when it got to me being 16 and stuff I had no idea the gender differences, I believed breasts are not girl or boy so when this trans guy said to me that he didn't want breasts , I geneuinly didn't understnad because I didn't gender breasts. same with dicks i didnt gender that either yk. I gendered nothing not even names or pronouns or anything. It was gender equality taken litterally. I vividly remember one of my genderfluid friends getting pissed at me because I refused to wear makeup despite me identifying as a "girl" at the time, I say that cuz all I believed a girl was was the label girl. and i believed boy was just the label boy and nothing else was different between them. I actually rlly was uncomfy with ppl treating me diff based on gender cuz i didnt get why it was so seperated. I sorta realised the social differences over time but it still confuses me to this day. I truly believed all these gender social roles were nothing but memes and satire. Its why I have no idea what my gender is now cuz i dont know what it is, all ik is that i get treated differently based on it. I think I am nonbinary? but idk. and honestly I get really uncomfortable with things like changing my name cuz I never really saw my name as a girl name or a fem or masc thing, i just saw it as what im used to and i like keeping what im used to

[unovanraichu]

-

[unlikelyempathpruneauthor]

Tour without You

Summary: fans saw the video of cal singing ghost of you and people think you two broke up.

a/n: SO YALL KNOW WHICH VIDEO I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT? Idk if he was actually crying, but a part of me tells me he was, but idk who knows, but i hope he was okay and is doing okay now.

You were currently home watching duke at yours and cal’s place. You couldn't go on tour with cal because of work, so being alone was a norm you had grown into. Whenever you didn't go on tour you and cal would spend time calling one another whenever a show was over, so he could see you and if you needed to comfort him for anything. He hated when he had to leave you alone, but you would reassure him you had someone that was a part of him. Duke would usually stay with the dog sitter, but when you stayed back home you watched duke. You two would have some quality time together as usual so the small pup can use his energy throughout the day.

For Cal though today, just wasn't his day. Their bus tour had taken a re-route, they got to the venue late, he couldn't focus during rehearsal since it was cut short, from them arriving late. Usually when stress came he was able to handle it well, but you usually were there to comfort him right there and then, which also added to his stress as well, not being able to be with you in moments like these. Fans in the audience and online had seen his expression and worried for him, especially when singing Ghost of you. He hated that his stress would reflect how he acts during shows, but today was really bad for him. Cal doesn't really notice when fans are recording, but a video had gone viral during the concert within minutes and fans skepulating about you and cal. You had no idea of this hence you not being near your phone all day and having a nice day out with duke. Your phone had been blasting all night and once you got home with duke you checked it once seeing all the notifications on all of your socials.You were slightly confused as to why there were so many so you checked it out.

@5SOSUPDATES: is it possible cal and y/n broke up? Could be because they haven been posting with one another. Also today’s performance he seemed sad, especially during Ghost of you.

“What the hell?” you said as the puppy barked at you as you continued to look for something that gave you some sort of idea that was going on. Then MTV also made a topic off of it.

SPECULATING BREAK UP RUMOURS: POPSTAR CALUM HOOD AND GIRLFRIEND Y/N L/N POSSIBLY BROKE UP BEFORE A SHOW DURING TOUR

You were quick to find the resources they were using to claim these speculations and there was a video of cal singing ghost of you, at first it was all good, he was singing good, you saw no sad emotions, but when it got to him harmonizing, with the ghost of you, that's when his expression changed. At first you thought that it was just the way he was singing. But you looked over and yeah you were convinced he was crying.

You tried to first go over anything you might have said to make him upset, but there was nothing, you texted when you could and he seemed fine the night before, so you didn't know what was wrong. Unless he lied to you, which he would do when he was away from you. He didn't want to bother you, but you always told him to talk to you when he was feeling down and not himself. You were always going to be there to talk to him always. Just then you got a call from mali, you were quick to answer as she probably has seen these as well.

“Mali, hey.” you said as she spoke, “hey super weried, but have you been on your socials and possibly MTV?” she asked as you sighed, “yes i have.” you said as she contuned, “okay, is it ture?? Did you two break up? Omg did cal do something because i swear-” she said as you giggled and cut her off, “no we didn't, well at least i think so, but uh, no i called him before this show and he seemed fine, but you know how he is, he doesn't tell the full truth until you get it out of him.” you said as she hummed, “thats true, well are you talking to him tonight?” she asked as you hummed back, “yeah i should be getting a call in about an hour, i dont think he has checked his phone yet, so i'll call you first thing alright?” you said as she hummed and you two said your goodbyes. As your phone was still blowing up, more and more rumours were being made, but you didn't expect to be getting attacked.

5SOSWILDFLOWER: Yall, there are some photos of y/n with another guy before cal had gone to tour, guess cal has a reason.

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Caly/n_stan: i don't think she would cheat though, they've been together for years.

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Lukehemmingsstan: i mean yeah but people change especially when dating a celeb, and it wouldn't be the first time a 5sos member would be cheated on.

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@mikeycliff5sos: i mean you can tell she was just in it for the money and the fame, she never spoke about her job.

You were at first confused as to what pictures you were talking about, but then you clearly remember you were with the dog sitter, who happens to be a guy. He was one of Cal's best friends and he always took care of duke when you were away. You were there before cal had gone to tour, to tell him personally that you were staying with duke, since you knew him and it would be nice to catch up on duke’s behavior. Of course the fans didn't know that, but that didn't mean they should attack you. You were kinda stressed about this situation, especially with the things being said, fans even started to question your real intentions with cal and wondered if you were just after cal for his money and fame questioning your line of work as well, which wasnt public because you line of work was importnatn, you were a visual editor at entertainment company and well you kept it private and you didn't want any problems.

On cal’s side of things, he hadnt checked his phone at all wanting to handle one side of stress at a time. After teh show he realxed before calling you, making sure he looked good and fine. But once he lifted his phone he had seen so many notifications, at first he thought it was about the show from tonight but when he clicked he saw everything that was being said about you and him that you two had broken up and the means things being said about you. He was quick to call you as you answered quickly hoping he was okay.

“Hey” you both said quite rapidly, “sorry you go first.” cal said as you sighed and spoke, “are you okay? But i want to know the full truth cal, you know you can talk to me.” you said as he rubebd his head and wished he had spoken to you before anything, he knew if he talked to you hten these rumours wouldnt be made. “Fuck love, im sorry, we had to reroute the show for tonight we got there late, and rehearsal was rushed and, today i didn't do my best to hide my stressed emotions, i tried, but i couldnt, all i wnated to do was talk to you before the show, but i wasnt able to,” he said as his voice was cracking and you felt bad for him, you knew he handled stress well, but you knew today was one of those days, “bub its okay, just talk to me about this kind of stress to help you when you can, no matter what time it may be. I know im not htere, but remeber im a phone call away, always. No matter waht okay, you call me when youre feeling like this.” you said as he smiled a little missing you so much more than he should be able to.

“Youre too good for me you know that? Im sorry for waht the fans are saying, i'll straighten it out babe, they shouldnt be saying this stuff about you,” he said as you giggled, “its fine, it hurt at first, but i mean this all happend beucase i was out with dukes dogsitter,” you said as he laughed a little, “gosh the fans are really out of hand, i love you so much, youre there for me more than many times i could even count, you know youre it for me,” he said as you blushed hearing his words, he would tell you this all the time. It was true, you were it for him and he was it for you. “And youre it for me too, and i'll happily be there for you, always you know that.” you said as he smiled and jsut couldnt wait to get home to you. After talking for about 2 hours, you said your goodbyes and you had gone with the rest of your day as cal had straighten out with the fans about his citation.

He posted a picture on his story of you and captioned it:

To clear out the rumours from today, me and y/n are happily together. y/n has not and has never cheated on me, for those who know she is everything to me and i will do anything to not lose her. There is no anger towards this situation jsut please, be careful with what you say on the interent, even if y/n and i dont post about us everyday its not htat wer are not together, we like to live in the present with one another since i go away for tour. Usually shes here with me, but sadly she isnt. So again please just be aware with what you are posting, we are human and things that were said towards her will hurt anyone.