#like sometimes i feel like im being gaslit

[pinkeoni]

How I feel trying to convince people that Will’s involvement with the supernatural and Upside Down is in fact set up and it’s not cornplating or even small details it’s there in the show and not all of it points just to El

[muttfangs]

breaking news: coworkers agree local werewolf has an 'intimidating prescience' and this is probably why ppl coming in are so combative with him when he must tell them 'no' at his desk job

"love having more things I don't want and never asked for", he laments. "i'm tired, man"

[thesingingrevolution]

this is so true and it’s gross, i hate that trend where people film a location and say something like “look at the npcs.” and i think the rise of inappropriate public behavior by disruptive youtubers in the early 2010s also contributes to this. and it goes without saying that so much of tiktok content is built upon this issue. no regard for others just being a public nuisance or being so self centered you can’t engage with other humans. the obsession with being “the main character.” the way people treat others online, telling them to kay why ess and sending them threats. people may downplay it because “it’s only an interaction on twitter” but larger social problems stem from these attitudes being normalized. some people nowadays have no respect for others and see them as one dimensional, no lives or personalities or feelings to be considered. it makes it so easy to be rude and disruptive when you’ve depersonalized all these people in your heads. the employees who are talking to you are only trying to be polite. maybe, they’re required to talk to you per their contract. and the least you should do is be polite and respectful. just say you’re doing well and wish them a good day. it takes no effort and it’s so strange to act like your antisocial, rude behavior is normal or should be encouraged on the internet. the reason society gets worse and worse is because there is no COMMUNITY. there is no kindness and respect, there is no trust and appreciation. and it’s only getting worse

[crippled-peeper]

do you think people with “less severe” physical disabilities should clarify that on their cpunk blogs/not call themselvescpunk ? i say this because i am “less severe” than most ppl i see here, i use mobility aides but i am primarily ambulatory and most doctors look at me and say its not that bad bcz my conditions are all supposedly easily treatable despite none of the treatments working. im scared if i start a cpunk blog people are going to say im not disabled enough or im imposing myself into a space i dont belong in. i know the original coining says people of all physical disabilities can be cpunk, but i just dont know if the actual culture really believes that.

if this is way too much to ask of one person, really sorry! youre under no obligation to answer, i just dont really know how else to ask this question since im scared of creating a blog in the first place and ur a cpunk blogger that seems like you probably wouldn’t yell at me for asking :,)

It doesn’t really matter what other people behave like or say to you. Cpunk was always supposed to include people who are “less severely” or less “visibly” disabled. The only requirement there has ever been is that you consider yourself physically disabled.

Tai, the creator of cpunk, had fibromyalgia themselves and made many posts about it and about how it impacted their life. I think they would be displeased if they saw people going around saying “actually, you’re not bad enough off, you can’t talk about being physically disabled!” Because they themselves might have fallen into that category in the distant past.

I’m not the arbiter of who can talk in/use the Cripplepunk tag. I only go off what the person who created it said about it on their blog.

Unfortunately, we can’t ask them anymore since they are no longer with us, but I’m almost certain they would want you to blog about your experiences even if they don’t seem “that bad”, because a lot of people (even me sometimes) feel like they can never have it “bad enough” to feel valid.

this kind of concern is actually super common with people who are gaslit about their conditions

[toothlespoggers]

I hate people who are like “name one person whose suffered more, I’ll wait” and they show a picture of Lloyd or Jay.

ok bestie sure

Pooor llloyd waaa he’s such a poor hurt traumatised baby, who totally hasn’t had the entire world look up to him and admire him SPECIFICALLY in the actual ninjago tv show, since he became a ninja, no it’s not like everyone wasn’t treating him like a king since the moment he got essentially adopted by them, having a whole team of loving supporting people. No it’s not like he literally turned into the main character- sure he’s been through shit, but like.

Can the fandom stop acting like Lloyd is this terrible hurt sad person when in fact the entire series is often in his favour? Everything’s about Lloyd, it always has been. Everyone loves Lloyd. Lloyd will always be loved no matter what he does.

but HEAVEN FORBID ZANE INTERUPT SOMEONE TO TELL THEM SOMETHING IMPORTANT. HEAVEN FORBID ZANE HAVE EMOTIONS.

HEAVEN FORBID HE ACTUALLY GETS RESPECTED BY THE TEAM INSTEAD OF GASLIT.

WATCH THE SERIES BABES.

NO ONE. RESPECTS ZANE AS A PERSON. THE FIRST TIME HE WAS TREATED LIKE AN ACTUAL LIVING, HUMAN BEING. A PERSON. NOT A ROBOT THAT CAN JUST REAPPEAR. A PERSON. WAS WHEN SENSEI WU WAS MOURNING HIS DEATH IN SEASON 11. SENSEI WU IS THE **ONLY** PERSON. TO EVER ACTUALLY VERBALISE SO MUCH RESPECT AND GENUINE ADMIRATION TOWARD ZANE.

EVERYONE ELSE. BESIDES HIM AND HIS LOVE INTEREST. AND SOMETIMES COLE.

TREATS ZANE, LIKE A TOOL, A BUTLER. AN ICE MACHINE.

LLOYD IS NOT THIS BIG INNOCENT BABY THAT NEEDS TO BE SHELTERED. EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT FOR LLOYD. YOU KNOW WHO ACTUALLY SUFFERS THE MOST??

ZANE.

AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TIME HE ACTUALLY GETS TO RECOVER FROM ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO HIM?

LIKE 2 SECONDS BEFORE HE HAS TO GO BACK TO FIGHTING. PEOPLE ONLY CARE ABOUT HIM BEING DEAD BECAUSE THEY NEED HIM FOR THE TEAM- THEY DONT GIVE HIM A MOMENT TO BE LIKE, DAMN IM ALIVE I NEED TO REST I NEED TO RECOVER.

THEYRE LIKE. OOP LOOKS LIKE ZANES AWAKE TIME TO SEND HIM BACK OUT INTO THE BATTLEFIELD.

THE ONLY TIME. SOMEONE HAS STOPPED ZANE FROM SPIRALING. IS COLE. HE TOLD ZANE NOT TO SHUT HIS EMOTIONS OFF. THATS RIGHT, THIS BOY, THIS POOR INNOCENT BABY. HAS BEEN TREATED SO TERRIBLY THAT HE PHYSICALLY COULDNT BARE HAVING FEELINGS ANYMORE.

this man has been BROKEN so SEVERELY that he PHYSICALLY COULDNT BARE. HAVING THE ABILITY TO FEEL PAIN ANYMORE. SO HE TURNED IT OFF.

AND NO ONE.

EVEN THOUGHT.

TO LOOK INTO THAT.

[cheddar-baby]

In what universe is the new beyonce album "country" i feel like im being gaslit. She sometimes puts on a bad country twang voice that goes away like 30 seconds later each song. Or theres an acoustic guitar sometimes. Its just a pop album why is everyone going oh wow its so country! Oh also its just kinda boring idk. The sheer dissapointment of having dolly parton do a 20 second guest interlude track then going directly into a really generic lifeless cover of jolene not featuring her on it...

[popstart]

This is such a gweather win but at what cost. LIKE.... i can see the episode playing out like gwen being gaslit into thinking that this is A Good Idea (its not)

Heather convincing gwen to vote for leshawna because it would look really lame of her if she didnt. it would hint more to the audience that gwen actually cares A Whole Lot about her appearances and how people perceive her (since a lot of people think thats a super thrown on attribute for her to have in all stars) and it would paint gwen as less of a saint

i have a big problem with the way gwen is portrayed to the audience. The writers want her to look like this misunderstood girl so shes painted as this dick in canon but theres nothing about her thats like... even bad until s3 (s2 too with the whole breaking up with trent) but even then gwen was NOT in the wrong for that shit idc.

I think the meanest thing i can recall her doing is calling lindsay an idiot in episode one, when EVERYONE is caught off guard with the state of what wawanakwa is like. Her being in a bad mood is literally the normalest shit that happens in this show im sorry. this show cannot convince me gwen is a bad person, unless it did this. WHICH WOULD BE MILES MORE INTERESTING THAN HOW SHE IS IN CANON. gwen is so fucking BORING DUDE I HATE IT. let this girl be fucked up and insane and EVIL.

If they made gwen stab one of her friends in the back because of her own insecurity it would tackle like the two biggest gripes about the way she is in canon. It would set up her being this insecure freak more (there was also the episode geoff got eliminated. her disliking that geoff wouldnt like her according to her own insecurity but that was also tacked on as fuck) AND it would make her do something actually note worthily bad because of it. she could be actually painted as this underdog in the finale, especially if there were even less people on her side because of that. like seriously. why would half of the people that are on owens team be on owens team besides just being forced on there to make gwen seem like more of a loser. i dont remember owen interacting with majority of them and a lot of them dont seem like the party type. courtney comes to mind but also ezekiel (i guess hes sexist and thats the reasoning i forgot about that) and fuckin idk tyler and harold. AND EVEN THEN....... they didnt know about the party thing. lindsay switched teams when she heard about the party thing. idk maybe im just misremembering about the lack of interactions between characters.

and parallel to the way gwen didnt even vote trent out when he was framed for cheating, leshawna could have seen that heather framed gwen as well. (i think it suits leshawnas character miles better to be forgiving idk. like tda can push this agenda that leshawna is secretly awful but that shit is so unreal to me) gwen could be thinking all day next episode about how bad she feels about voting for leshawna, for letting her insecurities get the better of her, but Gwen and leshawna could make up and be bffs again in the finale. would it be too much to have this thing between both gwent and gweshawna in the same episode? idk maybe. im here to spitball not to be an actual writer (if i were to be an actual writer i would fix gwent from being terribly and awfully executed throughout literally the entire season. pacing issues eaughh.)

this isnt even mentioning how bullshit leshawnas actual canonical elimination is but its talked to death so im not talking about it because i dont really care enough i cant lie.

i hate the writing in tdi so much sometimes actually though. I think if they went this route it would actually be executed shittily bc thats just how it goes in td episodes. like it would be the certifiably worst episode in the entire series barring maybe sundae muddy sundae LOL. au where total drama is good and im not obsessed with the shittiest fucking show on the planet that i actively hate but cant get enough of

[xb0rder-7inex]

I just want to address something because it's really irritating me and it's not personal it's just something I have a really low tolerance for right now.

Please do not send me asks that are essentially an invitation to vent to you. I won't talk to you about my situation and this isn't some kind of romanticized relationship. I'm 30 years old. I am a full adult and I am in an abusive relationship. It isn't like I can talk about it and everything is fine. There is a legal barrier here that we are literally going to trial for. This isn't a light problem it's a very private subject and the only reason I post about it is to keep myself accountable for which actions are my own and to pick up on patterns to make note of in the case that I start to feel like I'm being gaslit. It's more to cover my own ass than anything and it also helps me cope (like journalling) when he blocks me.

The harsh reality is that I don't know what lengths he will go to and while I don't believe him to be violent I truly have no idea what he would do to me and sometimes I am really scared of him. But he psychs me out mentally a lot and he is more emotionally and mentally abusive than he is physically abusive. It's all just here for documentation.

My life has literally fallen apart because of him. It is so fucking likely that none of you can relate to losing literally every single thing you had in your life. Your dog, your job, your home, your relationship, all of your friends, your family, your car, and practically a foot as well. When you're supposed to be the fucking victim. To be victim blamed by law enforcement when you're trying to go back because you know how much worse it gets when you try to move on. To be placed in a shelter surrounded by true drug addicts (I'm talking meth, crack, fentanyl, etc) having never gone near any of that shit in your life with all the staff telling you that you don't belong here and not knowing when you'll be able to get out of this unfamiliar territory. Having to rebuild literally your entire life from the ground up. Playing roulette with thousands of other people in the city let alone the province who are just trying to pick up their broken pieces too.

Absolutely nothing anyone says can make that better and I've made peace with where I am. I'm a grown ass woman dealing with some really serious shit that I can't just walk away from. It's an abuse cycle that leaves you walking on eggshells so frequently that it's so much easier to take it than it is to try and leave. There has to be a right time and there has to be a plan. It can take years.

I have a leg up for housing because I'm not an addict and I'm in a DV situation and I qualify for some extra benefits and my main goal right now is to manifest housing. I need to get out of the shelter. I need to get into a space that's my own. Something that is mine. A place that he can't take away from me.

That kind of shit takes time. It takes a lot of resources and it's a lot of waiting. Im in Canada so it may be a little different everywhere but I encourage you to look at statistics and maybe something will make sense to you about why you can't just leave a toxic relationship, and why it's triggering to victims to tell them they deserve better and to leave.

[neotrances]

i genuinely think black slavery in the new world is one of the most horrific almost incomprehensible crimes against humanity to happen to human beings in all of human history i can't think of anything else that was worse taking into account all the different layers of suffering and brutality and sadness and cruelty and the length of time and scope of the atrocity. it's actually hard to wrap your mind around even with the best intentions. but the world is so incredibly brainwashed to downplay it it is INSANE. I GET SO ANGRY SOMETIMES LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. people are so conditioned to minimize it while giving other crimes against humanity plenty of lip service. and the appreciation for other peoples suffering is good don't get me wrong but the refusal to keep that energy when encountering slavery in the americas possibly the worst of the worst human atrocities to ever happen. like this was the same level of suffering and brutality of the Holocaust if not more so except going on for hundreds of years. I feel bad making that comparison but I also feel it is SO needed to break through the conditioning. like please everyone just think. that person asking how there could be generational trauma if it happened "so long ago", literally only ended what 150 years ago and went on for like 400 years. with civil rights being less than 50 years old. not only is the generational trauma still fresh but the generational legacy to dehumanize black people is still fresh because barely any progress has truly happened in the past 50 years due to this broken way white people refuse to face what really happened and cling to victim blaming like a drug. you still hear people claim slavery wasn't that bad because some enslavers were not as sadistic as others. i want to vomit. every qanon conspiracy about abused and trafficked children for sexual slavery already happened except somehow worse it was in plain daylight and legal, white slavers were running an inhuman mad max post apocalyptic fucking barbaric wasteland. this was already the apocalypse. these survivors are still trying to rebuild. i know you know all this sorry im just saying like we see it we really do and they make you feel crazy for being the one who can see what others illogically reject because it's too sacreligious to the religion of nationalism. the funny thing is facts don't care about white peoples feelings. slavery is the worst thing any human being has ever gone through and everything we understand scientifically about psychology tells us the ancestors should still be struggling immensely and should still be deep in the mire of residual abuse and healing, especially if they continue to be gaslit at large about what happened. white people who want to continue deny the simple facts of our reality and blame the victims are worthless

cosigned bc this was some real shitu just said

[munamania]

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

[missjessefantastico]

thank you @juniperhillpatient for the tag <3

10 characters 10 fandoms 10 tags

1. willow rosenberg - buffy the vampire slayer while i agree that buffy is the superior character of all the world, i simply imprinted in this nerdy agent of chaos from day one and there has never been going back, going back to what? to not knowing perfection?! we stan a self-centered problematic queer queen, she has so many layers, she was so many selves, amazing

2. catherine doll dollanganger - flowers in the attic queen, im so sorry that i cannot remember how to spell your last name it's so hard im so sorry, but know that you're my favorite drama queen and your revenge plots are amazing, i have no notes for you!

3. audrina adare - my sweet audrina do i have a thing for gaslighting victims? probably, what a gaslit queen, the most gaslit of all the gaslit, take a nap, eat candy, commit atrocities, i dont think you want to but you deserve it

4. shauna shipman - yellowjackets i do not know how to describe this woman in a way that does her justice, she's an emotional cannibal but also a literal cannibal, she learned to use a knife in the wilderness but can still cut with surgical precision, she's shaking because she wants to kill you so bad, she has brown sad eyes, poor little meow meow and a milf

5. jet - avatar the last airbender does not deserve the hate, you try and raise a bunch of kids while you're also a kid and you're all orphans and you live on trees and there's a war going on then we can talk about morals!

6. connie maheswaran - steven universe i cannot think about her without getting emotional, she came so far, no powers bug she holds her own on a fight, amazing swordfighter, a fucking nerd, the only character with different outfits, first human to fuse with a gem, she's so precious

7. orpheus - hadestown (and like... mythology but im being specific about this version) my boy just wants to write a song so beautiful that'll bring the world back knto tune back into time and all the flowers will bloom but the ones who tell the lies are the solemnest to swear and the ones who load the dice always say the toss is fair he gives me so many feelings okay?

8. lauren cooper - faking it problematic queen, has held people hostage, has blackmailed her sister, has said all kinds of isms (not autism tho) i still love her tho

9. max - camp camp my problem child, what a mess, love the chaos, he's terrible but he's also wholesome sometimes, deserves better parents, please keep stealing david's phone it's funny

10. louise belcher - bob's burgers chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos

tagging @haikyuupaladin @siriwesen @mrsmarymorstan @meddlelyn @hear-the-people-sing @bring-it-on-perra @sinomin @... idk everyone who wants to do this, say i tagged you

[sadieshavingsex]

wow. been a few weeks since I’ve posted here. things have rapidly gotten better for me over the past few weeks to the point where I’m honestly kind of still waiting for the upper shoe to drop. I want to take a sec to tell about the major things that have finally clicked and helped.

i left a cut because it's a handful of paragraphs. lots of stuff about my relationship dynamics and evangelicalism and how they intertwine and what I've been learning, plus a resource I've been using that has really helped me with this

first off, I totally and finally cut off all means of common contact with my ex. he actually was the one to tell me to stop getting in touch, but I also was able to ensure that I blocked him on multiple accounts and (at least for now) will also not receive messages from heavily involved mutual friends/acquaintances/etc (this was a huge issue previously even after both of us had individually tried to stay out of touch with the other. Like people from his life just kept messaging me all the time as though nothing was wrong, which I think was a huge thing holding me back from effectively moving on).

I haven’t heard from the man or his family/friends or had to unwillingly be subjected to his face on socials for 3 ish weeks now and it has already made a world of difference. with actual distance from him I can clearly see why my most popular post is my most popular post. “IM TIRED OF FEELING PATHOLOGIZED IM TIRED OF PATHOLOGIZING MYSELF!” This was probably the most massive issue in the relationship. I had valid wants, needs, and ideas about what a relationship should and could be that he just couldn’t fulfill, and instead of simply leaving it be and letting him go for my own sanity, I gaslit myself (and sometimes let him gaslight me) into thinking that when my VERY VALID and often RELATIVELY BASIC wants and needs weren’t being addressed, I was “too needy” and there was something wrong with ME that could be fixed. And I tried to fix it for two fucking years - often by going to therapy, trying to find a diagnosis, reading a ton of self-help books, etc! Until a few weeks ago, when I suddenly came to this reframe that like, there are plenty of people who can meet me where I am with the kind of care I’m looking for and achieve basic relational goals for things like HONESTY, ENTHUSIASM, EMOTIONAL SAFETY, and beyond. Some of these were already a struggle from the start of the relationship with Sam and most got significantly worse as we stayed together for almost a year and a half. And continued to get worse even afterward as I tried to salvage a friendship or relationship or whatever I could with this person who was treating me generally pretty hurtfully, whether he meant to or not.

I can see how evangelicalism would play a huge role here, because the church very much used the rhetoric of “if you aren’t happy and fulfilled with what you’re being given (often mistreatment lol), YOU are the problem and need to try harder/renew your mind/be more faithful/etc”

what a whirlwind to come out the other side of this and say, SOMETIMES YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. I was trying so hard to “heal” and “fix myself” so that I could be a better, more accepting girlfriend and the reality is that MANY people would agree that the way Sam treated me was below the bar for what a healthy relationship should look like. I was trying to contort myself to feel happy and healthy within a dynamic that was simply bad for me! And a lot of the time Sam contributed heavily to it! But instead of thinking about what I want, need, and deserve in a relationship, I just thought about why I clearly was in the wrong and needed to “get help” to make it work. Here’s the lesson: I DONT NEED TO SETTLE OR BECOME SMALLER TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!

I’m going to take a break from therapy for a little while this coming month and I think it will be good. The truth is that I was in a relationship that was super negative for me in many ways beyond the sex stuff I talked about on this blog, and I just didn’t leave and kept trying to do the majority of the lifting to make it work. I thought something was wrong with ME when the reality is that I am who I am and my needs and wants are valid and the SITUATION was just so wrong for me. The ocd therapist I’d started seeing said she thought the greatest exposure would be being myself and just doing me, and I think I agree.

For so long I was part of a religion where I had to use doublethink and make myself, my thoughts, my needs, my goals, and my wants small to make the situation make sense as a fruitful and fulfilling relationship. And that’s essentially what I just did, again, for a year and a half.

I think it’s time to validate myself big time. The things I want are really not crazy and can often easily be found if I know where to look. Yeah, I have some mental health issues, but many of them have been insanely exacerbated and blown out of regular proportion beyond belief by the relationships and situations I’ve found myself in and decided to remain in even though they were harmful, confusing, unfulfilling, etc. It’s time to take up space. It’s time to get what I want and not settle for less! Not to allow obvious red flags to even enter the picture. Just to enjoy my life for what it is and how happy I can be when I meet my needs and treat myself and invest in situations and relationships that lift me up rather than tearing me down. Thank you all for being with me through the past year and a half. I’m so excited and feel so good these recent days, it’s really almost unbelievable compared to how I felt around Sam, especially after he’d broken up with me but would still come around occasionally. I can post more soon about resources that have helped me during this time, but the biggest one currently is Erica Smith’s Sexual Values Workbook for Purity Culture Dropouts (which is actually on sale right now). It has opened my eyes to what really matters to me surrounding sex and allowed me to think really clearly about some of the dynamics in the relationship that were so off that I just couldn’t see, many of which came out through the distress around sex but were really far beyond it in terms of scope. I’m so happy to be doing this workbook while single and enjoying learning about myself without judgment. Can’t wait to keep you all updated as I go and grow❤️ all my love always

[michellezagenda]

How did you find out you're bisexual? I feel like I'm making it harder than it has to be, I even don't feel comfortable being labeled as bisexual but sometimes I feel like I am😭

Honestly just experiment, if you feel like it then most likely it’s true- that’s how i felt as well even though i kept ignoring it.

but girlllllllll it’s a whole story & i’m willing to tell you to try and help you out a bit

So first of all, bisexuality has always been in my life lol idk how to explain it but i am spiritual and feel like the universe did that for a reason that reason being that i am actually bisexual.

At 14, i had my first real girl crush and it lasted for about 3 years. And in between i had a few guy crushes as well. At 17, i found the comphet masterdoc and erased all the attraction i’ve ever had for men and brushed over it as comphet even though that’s not the case. I just didn’t understand bisexuality which i feel is a big problem with a lot of questioning bisexuals, some of us don’t really know that we don’t have to be 50/50 all the time or have a preference.

So at 20, still identifying as a lesbian, still shoving potential male crushes away, i met a guy :|. He was my bassist & i thought i would’ve been able to talk to him without developing feelings but i did.. but i was 20 and i just didn’t care anymore and started identifying as bisexual. It was hard at first because i still feel that i should be devoting all this attention to women but sometimes i won’t ? I am bi after all…

It took some grieving i’ll be honest because i literally implemented myself in lesbian only spaces as if i was one because i related to so much what they were saying i had no idea i would’ve been bi anyways.

I feel that it was really mature of me to finally stop playing around and come out as bi to myself & to my lesbian online friends- some were upset, some unfollowed/blocked me and some stayed around

now a few months later i still struggle especially when i like a guy bc i just want to feel real and all that….

Being bi isn’t a bad thing and im actually happy to be bi <3 Hope that helps and gives you some perspective (especially if you feel gaslit by the comphet masterdoc)

[pepprs]

also btw back to all the building the courage to move out stuff. last night i stayed up late (lol) reorganizing my building-the-courage-to-move-out playlist so that the lyrics tell a chronological story abt what this journey has been like for me and it’s still kind of messy but im proud of it and strengthened by it. i feel like it’s cringe to share it but i want to in part bc it’s another accountability thing so yeah ermmm i hope if anyone chooses to listen to it you’ll take something away from the juxtaposition of it all. here are the different sections / chapters

independent accident (c418): instrumental opener with a relevant title bc i like to start chronological story playlists that way

when will my life begin (tangled) - much more (barbra streisand): describing my home situation. going from kind of innocently being like “hey what if i could be more independent” to “hey what if the dynamics in this house are crushing me slowly. i need to not be in this situation i have to move out”

every single night (fiona apple) - i want love (elton john): more concertedly looking at the state of my life / my mental health situation and realizing how much living here is the source of that and always has been. lol 🤪 and also trying to convince myself that i deserve better and building the courage to ask for it

bloodline / difficult things (orla gartland) - nothing changes (hadestown): telling my family (especially my mom) that im unhappy living at home and want to move out but it blows up in my face. i get guilt tripped / gaslit out of it and it’s agonizing but i entirely lose my ability to remember how much i need this and i accept defeat

the hurt of happiness (hey ocean) - tales of dominica (lil nas x): the headspace ive been in for the last year or two of being depressed out of my mind and sinking in quicksand and losing all sense of hope that i will ever become an independent adult and not live here <3

need 2 (pinegrove) - new person, same old mistakes (tame impala): the chapter (i hope) im in cureently of realizing like… hey. i do have the strength. i am an adult and i choose my life. i will do this and be strong and it will be very hard and destructive but it will be okay. (i feel like the song im currently “on” is new person, same old mistakes lol. where i know i need to do it but have my familys voices in my head telling me i can’t)

quiet (matilda) - goodbye yellow brick road (elton john): AUGHHHH the most emotional part of the playlist. every song in this section makes me want to cry and sometimes has. this is when i will finally build the courage to actually say im moving out and act on it for real and the absolute wound that is going to rip me open and destroy my entire world <3 i feel it all (feist) is the OK IM GOING TO DO IT NOW AND ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES song and tactics (japanese breakfast) is me like… actually beginning to tell my family. aughhhhh ahghhhh augghhhhhhh.

when will my life begin reprise (tangled) - wildewoman (lucius): the aftermath where im hopefully happy and thriving and growing into my independence! :~D

this playlist (which i made specifically abt my experience of moving onto campus in aug 2021) + this playlist (which is kind of a messy look at like.. learning how to drive and having experiences of independence etc etc) also overlap a lot with the last 3 bullet points so i need to go through them and add more songs to this one too lole. they’re not organized to tell a story iirc but they’re also worth a listen (maybe on shuffle) and those songs may change what this playlist looks like when i add them but yeah this is the playlist as of rn :~D thank u for reading / listening if u did i am going to be late for work now but it was worth it to type all of this up

[borderlinereminders]

how do i know if im being manipulated? i have bpd and its hard to recognize manipulation from my s/o esp because i cant trust my emotions + my memories can easily be gaslit.

This is a hard, broad question but here are some questions you can ask yourself:

Do they only contact you when they need something from you? For example, do they not talk to you much and ignore you unless they have a favour they want (this could also be that they only talk to you to vent to you).

Do you find your boundaries being crossed? Do you find them constantly pushing at your "no's" even if it seems innocent/playful like "oh please, it would make me so happy if you'd...". It's important to note that this still is manipulative.

Do they make really big statements like "you're the only person who could possibly understand" or "you're the only person I've ever loved" etc? (These statements can be used as a tool to manipulate someone, but not always, so please keep that in mind.)

Do you find that if you ever talk to them about something they've done that upset you, they turn it around and you end up apologizing to them for being upset?

If they don't get their way, do you find that they suddenly "have to go" or "can't hang out" or are just suddenly unavailable?

Are they always "just joking?" By this I mean, do they say harmful things like "oh my god, you're so sensitive!" and then go "just joking!" or laugh it off?

Do you find you're "punished" if you don't react a certain way? For example, if you get upset at something they've done, do you find they give you the silent treatment or something like that?

Do you feel you constantly have to prove your love? For example, they might use statements like "if you really loved me you'd..." (This could range from anything from doing a chore to physical intimacy to any number of other things. This uses guilt as a manipulation tactic to pressure you into "proving" your love.)

Do you feel like you live in their life and not them in yours at all? By this I mean, is it always about their hobbies, friends, places they pick to go, etc?

I also have an article about grooming in adult relationships here which may have some other helpful points. It's important to note that these questions aren't a perfect indicator. They are just suggestions to get you to reflect. They don't take into account the nuance of every possible situation. It's even possible someone may do these things once in awhile in times of emotional crisis, or do one of them and it isn't intentional when they're struggling with their coping skills. While it would still be manipulative, the intent might make a difference to you on whether you want to try and put up boundaries and work through it with them or etc. You'd also be valid to not want anything to do with them even if you know it's not intentional because ultimately, you should be looking out for your mental well being first.

If possible, I recommend writing down situations when you get into an argument or something of the sort so that you can look back on that if it comes up in the future and they tell you something different happened. Write down what caused it, the things that were said, etc. It sounds like a lot of work, but this might help you be able to better identify if/when they're trying to change the story.

I also encourage you to try and "describe" in the mindfulness skill to figure out your emotions because this could be helpful. Once you've done that, I recommend "check the facts" to determine if it's a reasonable response to a situation. While your emotions are always valid, sometimes our emotions don't match the situation and it can be good to know that before proceeding. Once we know what the emotion is, we can use the Wise Mind (or another skill if that isn't for you) to proceed. This Wise Mind skill can be used even if the emotional response doesn't match the situation, and actually probably should be used as it helps us navigate the situation in a way that doesn't solely rely on our emotions.

[jatlokgwo]

for @rainbow-strawberry-sherbert!!

i have no idea how to start this rip (dd= disassembly drone)

i useally say that am xiao and a dissasembally drone but im more concepts then anything else it goes

consepts: small flying dangerous flexable tail multiple forms/run like a dog and grab like a human watcher listener endless job to do

base: raptor birds (-> peregrine falcons) fennec foxes

2: demon (-> xiao is considered a demon adeptus and another word for dd is sky demon) feathery wings sharp teeth

3 (vaguely but there): otters finchs western dragons/wof sandwing scaramouche

"in view": adeptus xiao generic dissasembally/worker drone hybrid S (my kinsona) i like to show myself as a fennec like with the gifs

species by accosiation: ADEPTUS cat bees (-> friend called me minecraft bee coded) wolf dog theres a version of S thats uninfected any au

xiao is the minimum that you need to know to understand and before i had things to latch onto i jumped around sonas alot it was stressful and i only made things worse by interrogating myself witch is why i said to not think about it so hard and just draw whats fun =-= i found out im a drone by making a sona and then the sona feeling way more real then other sonas/ocs like chengcuo i was just bein silly ^^

sometime its also neurodivergent stuff (???) i cant understand facial expressions so i either exadurat them or dont really emote (i promise you that the xiaos are diffrent pictures)

colors and color coding is also important to me!!!!!!

am small and can fly but am kinda flightless when xiao sits down his ingame model doesnt reach the floor and dds are kinda tall but i look more like a worker drone with dd features and there both short to avrege humans as xiao i had wings and a bird form (can fly) but i lost them when a dream-god ripped of my wings and dds have retractable wings but copper 9 has a constant death storm happeneing that acts like a blizzard so id rather walk and do my silly jumps sjchd

its also a comfort thing!!! im a bird adeptus without wings or a bird form as a dd im a living wepon every even if the dream god tore them again dds can regen our heads i will have wings again in like a minute and if i really want to hen its awkward but of i angle it right there strong enough to break other drones caseing (my wings as xiao where normal feathers my life has also been almost constant trauma and i would pretend to use finchy looking wings to hide or hug myself and playing genshin was our escape we where still plural and we would listen to alot of genshin asmr and i think thats how i formed as a fictive) i think its also linked to my hyperfixation on md and my main comfort charater right now being a N (hes the yellow dd in the gif and my pfp :3)

ive also been gaslit and a defining part of being a dd is that you used to be a normal worker drone before you got infected with the absolute solver and it did some mlp infection stuff and messed with our memories theres a whole episode about it (cw for robot gore flashing lights anf 1 line of ablism against narcissists if you click the link its the episode) having anatonamy instead of wanting it is still kinda new to me theres a theme with them about how xiao was enslaved as a wepon for the dream-god and dds arnt supposed to be unique but xiao gets to be a person and the dds are unique anyways that i resonate alot with to its nice to see the systems that let the bad things happen be villians instead of when i tell people that the thing that hurt me was school and they try to find reasons why it was my fault

(hopfully this make sense brain wont give me anything else for now but if i think if something ill add it!! and if you have questions i can do my best to awnser them!!!!)