#like sometimes it’s simply a matter of. that should not be able to happen. (deeply positive)

[tbcanary]

folks. we need to talk about the canonical existence of “lantern fusion.”

[centrally-unplanned]

The thing about morality is that it only matters when it's real. Discussions of rules or norms for what is right or wrong are almost always, at some level, illusions, approximating reality and guiding decisions in an uncertain world - which does not make them useless, just contextual. Profaning god in your bedroom can never be “wrong” - there is no one to hear you, no one to be hurt by it. You can only show something is really wrong from the intentions of the actions and their results.

So with that out of the way, lets talk about Knives Chau - and specifically, how the comic vs the anime handled that part of the story.

Scott Pilgrim vs The Reification of Dating a High Schooler

There is an extremely pervasive meme in Scott Pilgrim discourse that our titular Scott is a scumbag. Our returning whipping boy the Kotaku article loves this idea, describing Scott’s “detestable behavior” and wondering “was it too subtle the first time about Scott being an absolute shitbag?”. There is this viral headline screenshot from an interview floating around right now riding that same line:

Which is, of course, pretty much false. Its up to you in the end, “shitbag” is a subjective description, but the story just isn’t about events that would be described that way. Its the story of a guy getting over an awful ex, hurting some people, then meeting a new person, and realizing step-by-step what it takes to be their partner and levelling up as a person each time he does. He starts off broken, and Ramona of course is just as broken - getting better is their mutual arc. And its fundamentally about relationship drama - those stakes don’t make you a scumbag lol, just clueless, unless you are terminally online and don’t know what real stakes are.

I will let O’Malley get the last word in with his quote the writer of that interview is hilariously trying to torture into his headline:

There's a bit of, like, young people see Scott Pilgrim a certain way, and, you know, there's a lot of, like, 18-19-year-old fans that are really judgmental of the character. They're like, "Oh, he's a bad person. I would never do that." But I always tell them, like, get back to me when you're 25 or 30, tell me how your 20s went. Were you a bad person? Everyone has to make choices and do things in life that maybe they're not going to be proud of later.

Scott is a scumbag the way everyone is - you yourself will likely commit similar sins; that at least seems to be the authorial intent, and I agree with it.

So how does dating Knives Chau slot into this?

Despite the memes, age, in fact, is just a number - two consenting people dating does not a sin make. The reason dating underage people is bad is because of its consequences, not the categorical imperative. So what are the consequences of dating Knives Chau in the comic?

Knives is, as a consequence of dating a guy who is simply via his age able to appear so much cooler than her peers to her, absolutely obsessed with Scott. She worships his band:

She starts aping his taste in music and interests; she slots herself into his circle of friends, who don’t relate to her, even after their breakup (often drinking her way through it):

She totally spirals after he cheats on her and leaves her, blaming everyone but him; she is wounded and hurt for months, a year, over a relationship that lasted weeks:

Knives Chau is a literal poster child for why you should not date a high schooler. She is, at every turn, emotionally not ready to date someone who is not at her own level of social development, and is deeply affected by it. It is, sometimes, played for laughs - that is the nature of the comic, everything is played for laughs, but I would have given it a bit more dramatic space myself - but over the course of the story Scott himself realizes how much of an ass he was to her, and how he didn’t take what happened seriously.

The reason I view this with charity is what Scott did to lead to this - he met a cute girl on the bus! He was deeply hurt and kind of numb in life, and found someone who was safe and easy to talk to. He never attempts to kiss her (she starts trying to kiss him which he repeatedly rejects) they don’t even hold hands, and it lasted a few weeks. He knew deep down, pretty much immediately, it was fake:

Then he met an actual person he liked, and with some browbeating from Wallace agreed to break up with her, but chickened out for a day. Then the next day he decides to break up with her, and she drops the L bomb before he can, so he instantly ends it. It is really awkward for everyone involved.

Pushing off an awkward and uncomfortable conversation resulting from a dumb decision you made on a whim for a week - god I relate to that, that’s everyone! If you think it isn’t you I think you're lying. Its why this relationship is so interesting in the comic - Scott is always one step removed from it, putting it at abeyance, and the fact that something so minor to him is so destructive to her is a really good portrait of how these kinds of things happen. Its so easy to hurt someone when you don’t even know what the stakes are, and when its coming not from malice, but from weakness. Its a very good portrayal of a bad relationship because its bad in a relatable way, even if as a story is a bit more dramatic than is typical. And its a great portrayal of how fraught age gaps can be - this bad relationship is part of what makes the comic a good story.

But its 2023, we don’t give a shit about any of that anymore!

O’Malley in the same interview discusses the cultural shift around these kind of relationships:

I felt like in this day and age, I had to provide clarity on that [relationship]. Because when I wrote the first books, I took it for granted that people would understand that dating a high schooler was a bad thing. But on the internet, in this day and age, people are like, "He's dating a high schooler. That's terrible!" Like, that's pretty much what I say on page 1 of the book. But I try to spell it out a little bit more this time.

He isn’t telling the full story though - it was bad in 2004, but not bad the way it is today. Its dubiousness was mitigated by its frequency; people were doing this kind of shit all the time. Scott Pilgrim is a bass guitarist in an indie band; fucking groupies is like built into the cover charge. Half the problem Scott has in dating Knives is that she is the wrong kind of 17-year-old - had Scott met her at 1 am in the aftermath of a Born Ruffian’s concert at the Whippet Lounge knocking down shots off the back of her fake ID, no one would have even noticed. Hell, no one does notice; there is someone who actually makes out with a drunk 17-year-old Knives Chau in the comic Scott Pilgrim, and isn’t Scott Pilgrim:

No one cares about Kim’s inebriated petting session here; that is 10% because she is a Girl and Girls Can’t Be Predators, 40% because she isn’t the main character, and 50% because Kim Pine’s dating history is not a useful proxy battleground for GamerGate-adjacent nerd culture wars in ~2014; but that is road that goes directly to hell, so let's veer back.

The point, of course, is that in 2004 this is a crime flecked with normality, something your friend would do and you would maybe just cock an eyebrow at:

Its not that in discourse today - it is radically more condemned. It is not a contextual sin, but an original sin. It underwent a process I am calling reification - where it goes from being just a shifting descriptor of reality, to a thing in itself, with a defined (reified) meaning. And to be clear, that is in a lot ways on net a good thing? The reality is that, despite everyone’s protestations, there are today thousands of 17-year-olds taking the L line out to a gig at the Brooklyn Steel and going down on a 25-year-old guy they just met in a back alley off Frost St who swears he’s a “drummer in a sick new band” that played here “just last week”, he promises, and she is having a great time, bragging to her friends about how hot his tattoo was, and then shipping herself off to Cornell next year to start on her pre-med track with barely a memory. But for every dozen of those, there is at least one person who is deeply, deeply hurt, a Knives Chau who never deserved this. The rest can have a slightly worse time, its probably worth it.

That does not make it a categorical imperative, though - the reification has masked that truth. The crime comes from the context - those other girls aren’t victims, they would laugh at you for suggesting they were. But in 2023, Scott Pilgrim Takes Off is no longer concerned with context. It is telling you, right to your face, that Scott is a bad dude. Over and over and over - jokes from the Evil League about “wow, I thought we were evil”, its not subtle.

Yet meanwhile, Knives Chau is, like, fine? She dates Scott, is totally into him, and then literally in the middle of his funeral forgets about him for Envy crashing it:

Picks up the bass and has yuri-inflected playtime with Kim the literal next day:

And less than a week later is pitching an off-broadway musical adaption of Scott’s life to a billionaire Matthew Patel - I can’t explain that okay, I’m as confused as you are.

She is mad at Scott, sure, but she is over it in a matter of days. Hell, notice how she was already a fan of the Clash at Demonhead now? There is no scene of Scott introducing her to his kind of music. He didn’t change her. By the end she is a member of his band and they are totally chill:

This is, again, about a week or two later.

Knives is not an important character in this show, way less than in the original, this is no grand sin. But I still find it very interesting: O’Malley is wrong. He “spells it out” way less in this version when it comes to the actual consequences of Scott’s actions. Everyone’s verbal condemnations are substitutes to replace the real damage his actions dealt in the comic. Scott is a better person this time, in a world that has universally agreed he is worse (still not a good move ofc). Even Scott’s moment of apology to Knives about their dating is so tepid its almost Straussian:

Its ‘frowned upon’…which is not the same thing as saying it was wrong! I don’t think this is intentional, its just funny, but its a nice capstone nevertheless.

And it had to be this way, not just for media in general, but for Scott Pilgrim in particular. Not only are sexual crimes far more reified today, but Scott Pilgrim’s sin of dating a high schooler is reified as well - its the first piece of discourse everyone encounters about it. Its the ur-debate of the franchise. The idea of actively engaging on this point, and digging deeper into it…its too hot, too controversial. Way better to shy away from it, disown it. The discourse wrote this part of the script over the course of a decade; its not something the creatives had any say in.

Honestly they should have just gone all the way - just make Knives 19. Then how tepid it is wouldn’t be a distraction anymore. Scott can just be an asshole for cheating on her, that would work fine. If you aren’t going to commit to the reality of these things, you shouldn’t bother with it at all.

[genderfluid-insomniac]

Can you do Harbinger Headcannons for a reader who has a hard time with being social and recharges by being held? For example: they get overwhelmed after being out and about all day but have a very hard time asking to be held because they don't have the energy to communicate it. (Oddly specific but it's what I deal with)

A/N: I chose these by generating random numbers 1 through 11 and then choosing said harbinger by their rank. It’s purely by luck and I’m happy that Scaramouche and Arlecchino randomly got picked.

Also I had a very hard time finding anything about Pulcinella’s personality or what he’s like since we only saw him in the winter's interlude so if you’re reading this from the future and I’m wrong then I’m sorry. I tried my best.

Harbinger headcanons for a reader who has a hard time with being social and recharges by being held

Scaramouche

- Isn’t thrilled with physical affection but he does understand having your social battery being drained so you both compromised so no one would be uncomfortable and you got to lay your head on his lap while he ran his hands through your hair until you were ready to interact with others. Sometimes he also used your want to escape and get away from social gatherings because he doesn’t like them on a good day.

- Eventually he does come around and grow more relaxed about the whole thing, going as far as to hold you in more ways that you’re both comfortable in and have tea brought for the both of you. You will have to specify if you want a sweeter tea because he’s having his bitter as usual.

Sandrone

- Sandrone completely understands and often has her mechanical puppet use it’s hands to shield her from others so she’s “alone” in a sense. She is debating on making a hollow chamber in it’s chest so a person can rest in there comfortably and safely. You’re treated no different and if you aren’t sitting with her or on some part of the puppet (which almost never happens unless she’s in a harbinger meeting or called to see the Tsaritsa).

- You’ll never hear complaints or declines from her and you quickly taken somewhere else to recharge in her arms like how her mechanical puppet shields her with her arms or simply moving to another room. She’ll take you in her arms and let you rest against her chest, running a hand through your hair and cuddling with you in the hollow warm chamber if you ask.

Childe

- If it were any other person then he’d say pushing your limits is how you should live however this is someone he deeply cares about and knows that when you speak up about needing to be alone and recharge you mean it. You’re always a priority to him and fighting is a second but if he has harbinger work then he’ll do his best to cuddle with you till you’re alright. Childe will bring you along if he has easy missions that he thinks won’t injure you and make sure that you can be comfy but also safe while he balances you and his work.

- He is the best at cuddling and sis very attentive however once he’s has you in his arms you’re staying there for at least an hour or too. So I hope you don’t have anything important soon because even when your social battery is charged he’s going to be very happy with snuggling with his lover and being able to not think about work for once.

Arlecchino

- At first you’re scared to ask her at all since she’s very intimidating but since she’s very observant and perceptive it’s only a matter of time before she’ll talk to you about it. Arlecchino is very loving and soft when it involves you and she’d do anything for you. Pretty much anything that doesn’t break her rules. When you tug on her sleeve and discreetly glance at her with a tired shy expression the knave will excuse herself from the public conversation she’s having. You’ll be lead to an empty room hand in hand and placed on her lap as she runs her fingers through your hair or drawing circles on the top of your hand while you recharge.

- You both made a sign for when you feel like this and she respects it without any question and when she put the pieces together she cupped your face with no judgement at all in her expression. Kissing you softly and resting her forehead on yours. “Try to not be scared of telling me your worries or wishes because I love you no matter what, darling. Now do you want a signal to let me know or would you rather be held now and think about it later?”

Pulcinella

- You don’t need to ask him because he’s going to insist that you never need to ask for permission about anything that’s bothering you or making you uncomfortable and simply guiding you to a small empty room so you can recharge with him. He can also almost know when you’re running low on your social battery if he’s with you and ask you, normally he’s right 99% of the time. If he needs to do harbinger work then he will work on some of it but you’ll be sitting next to him in a hug or leaning your head on his shoulder.

- He’s rarely called for on missions and so you don’t interact much with anyone but him but when you do it’s usually for galas and formal events that makes it hard to sneak away to get away from socializing. He makes it work though, easily slipping out of the conversation he’s in and making an excuse of an agent calling for an urgent message while guiding you to a small isolated part of the room where almost no one can see the both of you. You cozy up to him and he’ll talk you quietly about meaningly topic if you want to be distracted or remain silent if you want it to be quiet.

[scekrex]

tw (depression)

hello would you be interested in writing about sinner!Adam becoming best friend with a touch averse kind of depressed male sinner!reader who works at the hazbin hotel (and is secretly touch starved) and then starting to have a crush on him cause he’s the only one who doesn’t want to kill him on sight and he’s able to babysit him and care for him without asking for anything in return. Maybe the friendship process and how Adam tries to flirt with him? Sorry for the wall of text and thanks

Okay so reader being touch starved is only heavily implied by Adam constantly touching him, hope that works! Also never apologize for being specific when it comes to requests - the longer the better <3 also his flirting is low-key awkward bc I headcanon Adam to not do well with rejection - especially when he's seriously interested in someone.

Part 2

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, mentions & symptoms of depression

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

Adam hated everything down there in hell, from the hotel, over its residents all the way to Lucifer. He deeply hated every single sinner in this shithole and his heart longed for the safe walls of heaven that protected him from the filth. And the worst part was that he wasn’t even able to fully relax when he spent his days at the hotel, how could he when everyone wanted him dead - even Charlie, not that she’d ever admit let alone act on it.

But then there was you, a random guy Adam had never noticed before. He had not seen you during the battle, or maybe he had seen you and had just been too busy to focus on a sinner as unimportant as you. But now that he called the hotel his home, he was quite grateful for your company. Because while hell itself sucked and caused waves of tiredness and sadness to wash over him every now and then, you were the one that could get rid of those gray rain clouds for him. You weren’t a sunshine like Charlie, the exact opposite was the case. You had your fair share of problems to deal with, one of said problems was the fact that you suffered from depression - not that this illness would make you special or whatever, many people in hell suffered from it. Hell and depression sort of came in a package deal. Yet Adam made it a little easier to deal with - a thing you had never ever imagined you’d admit to.

A nice thing that came hand in hand with the friendship that grew between you and Adam was how touchy the first man was, he somehow had his hands on you constantly. When he’d walk past you he’d ruffle your hair, when you were sitting on the couch he would sit down next to you only to pull you in his lap and play with your hair. It was nice to have someone to cuddle with on a casual basis, though sometimes you longed for more, more than just friendship, something more intimate. But you weren’t sure if you had the energy for that.

Adam on the other hand longed for the same thing, he made it very obvious that he was interested in you, he would listen to your problems - or at least pretent to do so, because sometimes your problems were fucking boring in his eyes. But he’d hold you in his arms while you talked about things that kept you up at night, no matter if he was listening or not. And that alone seemed to help, at least Adam thought it did by the way you acted. And while the first man tried to act on the feelings he had for you, you made it quite hard for him to actually do so. “Y’know” he casually hummed as he headed towards the kitchen with you sitting on his shoulders. That was a thing you had talked him into at the beginning of your friendship, whenever you felt too tired to walk for yourself you’d ask him to carry you and usually he did so. Sometimes - though that rarely happened - he was too tired himself and would simply refuse to get up at all. “We should give this LuLu world bullshit a fucking try,” he continued as he headed for the fridge. You looked down onto him, a little confused by his statement. “Why?” Adam shrugged his shoulders, his hands grabbed a hold of your legs so you wouldn’t fall as he did. “Why the fuck not? It’s not like this shithole of a fucking hotel has anything to offer.” And while he had a point, you simply saw no reason to visit LuLu world. It was bright, loud and full of people, that didn’t sound very fun to you. “Pass, “ you mumbled as you opened the fridge and looked for something to eat, the brunette sighed loudly, “Fucking c’mon shithead, I’ll be fucking fun.” You shook your head though, “Been there once, it wasn’t fun at all.”The first man reached for a plate of ribs that you had prepared for him a couple hours ago and handed you a bowl of chocolate pudding, “If you say so.” And with that the topic was through and Adam had to come up with yet another idea to invite you on a date.

As Adam turned around to head back to his room he shrieked and backed off against the counter. Niffty was standing in the door frame to the kitchen, a little needle in her hand as she giggled at the sight of Adam. “Lemme down, I’ll put her away,” you mumbled with your mouth full of chocolate pudding and made grabby hands for the brunette to put you back on your own feet, the taller male that was carrying you on your shoulders though shook his head, “No fucking way I let you near that little bitch.” You however simply patted his hair and climbed off his shoulders yourself so that you could head over to Niffty and get that little gremlin out of the way. “Nif,” you hummed in a soft tone as you kneeled down next to the small demon, offering her a small smile. The redhead jumped up and down on the spot in excitement, teasingly pointing the sharp end of the needle in Adam’s direction. You were quick to take that weapon from her, “Nuh uh, I told ya we leave the big guy alone.” Adam raised an eyebrow at that, wondering when the fuck you had spoken to Niffty about anything that involved him, he could not recall a memory like that and therefore figured you must have done that without his knowledge. Kinda cute, that he had to admit. “Awww, but he looks so funny when I threaten him;” the small demon cried out in disappointment, clearly not happy with the decision you had made for her. “Doesn’t matter, he’s off the table Nif, we leave him be,” you explained once more and while not happy with that result, the redhead accepted her fate and took off.

“C’mere you fucking bitch,” the brunette mumbled and you were just about to ask him what he was talking about, but before you could his arms wrapped around your body and you were lifted onto his shoulders again, “Stay away from the fucking impure filth.” That earned the first man a slap on the back of his head and before he could open his mouth to complain you spoke, “I’m filth too, just as impure as the other cunts here.” Adam was quick to disagree,”No you’re fucking not, otherwise I wouldn’t fucking carry you around like you’re the most divine fucker God had ever created.” And while you wanted to argue, there was truly no point, so you simply decided to go along with his point of view.

“Also,” Adam whispered as he was heading back to his hotel room with you still on his shoulders, “That stunt of yours? Fucking badass.” In confusion you asked the brunette, “What stunt are we talking about?” He tapped your knee nervously as Husk walked past you, he waited until the bartender was gone before he responded, “Standing up to that demon bitch.” In reality it had been less impressive, but Adam liked the fact that you had talked to that little girl about leaving him alone and this was his way of saying thank you - it wasn’t a very good way, but that didn’t matter. “I didn’t stand up to her, I-” Adam interrupted you, his voice echoed through the empty hallway as his voice sounded louder than he had intended it to, “Just take the fucking compliment, for God’s sake.” - “Thanks,” you simply responded and gently patted his cheek as you playfully added, “Next time you can just call me hot, I can take compliments if they’re actually voiced as such.” And despite the fact that you weren’t able to see Adam’s cheeks heating up and turning red, you felt them heating up under your touch. “Shut the fuck up, I dunno what the hell you’re talking ‘bout,” he mumbled as he tilted his head downwards, you left this uncommented. If he needed time to admit to his feelings fully, you were okay with that. You have spent your entire afterlife in this hellhole, waiting for someone to save you. Now that a certain someone had arrived and was willing to save you, you were willing to wait for him. And while you did so, you would be able to work on yourself so that you would be ready for him when he decided to take the first step. “You are though,” the words of the brunette drowned your thoughts out and you looked down on him, a big question mark on your face as you asked, “What?” Adam sighed and rolled his eyes, “Hot, dipshit, you’re fucking hot.” Now that was sooner than you had thought he’d admit it out loud, but you took it as it came. “I’m aware,” you hummed, a proud smile on your lips as Adam entered his room and carelessly pushed the door close using his wing, “So are you.”

[dib-thing-wannabe]

I WATCHED THE PILOT FOR THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS AND OH MY GOD I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT-

(No spoilers under cut, just me going insane)

THE IMMEDIATE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS FROM POMNI WHEN SHE ARRIVED?? THE ALREADY DEEP SEATED LORE ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO ESCAPE?! ALL THE POSSIBLIES ABOUT WHAT COULD, CAN, AND SOMETIMES EVEN W I L L HAPPEN!!

If you have been a follower or a mutual of mine for some time now, you wouldn't be surprised to hear that Jax is what got me into it originally, nor be surprised that I am thinking about him the most out of the cast. What probably will surprise you is what I'm thinking about exactly.

What I'm thinking about is what will be done with him in the story. Will he be considered a villain? Will he be considered a good guy, despite him being a bully to the other casts? Does he know more than the others at the circus does? Who knows!! He has the potential for everything!

Something that I am struggling though is what headcannons I should have for him though-

He definitely is one of us fruits, but my question is which one?? He definitely seems like he could be mlm, especially with the energy he gives off. But I cannot stop thinking of transfem Jax no matter how hard I try not to- Because, like, I can totally see it being 100% canon!!

Just imagine the angst potential involving it, because he probably wouldn't know what he's experiencing and he might think that he's starting to extract! But yet the gender disphoria (idk if that's how it's spelled, but you'll get what I mean if it's spelled wrong) was always there for him, even before he joined the circus! And some of you probably know that Goose themselves have started to think about having Jax wear a dress in future episodes, and hooo boy, am I having thoughts about that!!

Imagine this: For the latest adventure, Jax is made to wear a dress, as a disguise. He is just complaining about it the entire time, not even going to look at himself as he's wearing it as he "probably looks silly and stupid in it". Once the adventure is over, he stomps away from everyone to go and take it off, feeling as if he was being made a fool of by them, even though they had been complimenting the way he looked the entire time (even if some of the compliments had laughter in them). In a similar fashion to the scene where Pomni stopped in front of the mirror when she saw herself in the digital circus for the first time, Jax walked passed a mirror and decided to take a look to "see what they were making fun of". When he looked at himself while he was still wearing the dress, he couldn't help but stare at himself. He thought, for the first time in forever, that he didn't just look good, that he looked right. There's wasn't any other way to explain it. He just looked right. He looked and felt like he was what he ever wanted to since he was a little kid. He twirled a little in the dress, making sure to get a good look at himself as he's wearing it, not being able to help but just softly smile at himself as his eyes were majorly dilated. This goes on for a few minutes before his first moment of gender efforia (again, don't know how to spell it-) is interrupted by Pomni and Cain, who were going to see if he was done with getting dressed. Cain just simply says something along the lines of "Wow, you finally decided to take a look at yourself, Jax? My, I thought we would never see the day!" Which results in an embarrassed scoff from Jax as he rolled his eyes at him. But Pomni saw that he was actually happy with the way he looked like never before, and tells him that he could wear dresses more often if it made him happy. He acts like he was deeply insulted by it and said that he wouldn't ever even think of doing this again, but later on he starts wearing dresses in his free time (where no one could see him, of course) (Except for Pomni, she'd probably help him pick out the dresses tbh).

If anyone wants to draw the little imaginary scene I made up, do it!! Draw it! Just tag me in it so I can see it!

[drtanner]

IT'S TIME FOR STELAK PROPAGANDA.

First all, enormous thanks and a great big hug to @woltourney for organising this and giving me an excuse to show you all my lovely boy. 💜 I don't talk about Stelak nearly as much as I should!

Mr Ganzthuv will be appearing in Match 9 of Round 1, Side B! It'd just about make his day if you'd show him a little love when his turn comes around, and I'm here to tell you why you should. ( b ._.)b

(Obligatory thirst trap to open. We know what's important here.)

Stelak's a cheeky guy who doesn't embarrass easily and likes having fun where he's able, and as you'll learn when his matchup comes around, not only is he an accomplished bard and a WoL, he's also a whore! And yes, he's still taking on jobs while he's saving the world. 👌

Whoring is Stelak's main line of work and he enjoys it a lot; he takes a great deal of pleasure from making people happy and his clients, for the most part, are all lovely to work with. And he's good at it! Why would he ever think to do anything else?

(It should be mentioned, if you were thinking of hiring him yourself someday, that Stelak only services men. And yes, trans men are men, trans women are not, etc., etc., of course, obviously.)

That said, as exhausting and stressful as the work of being the WoL is, Stelak can't complain about the travelling it's seen him doing. He's met all kinds of people and made all kinds of friends, and for that he's enormously grateful. Given that he doesn't remember anything about who he might have been before he woke up in the back of that cart on the way to Gridania with nothing but a name, the clothes on his back and a robust set of instincts and principles, Stelak is sincerely delighted to have so many people around him whom he can rely on.

It is, after all, very difficult to keep going sometimes when the whole world is relying on you all the time.

Stelak has grown a little more attached to some of these friends than others to say the least, but you'll have to find my AO3 if you want to learn more about that. 👀 Ahem. Anyway.

Anyway.

Unlike whoring, being the WoL is difficult, taxing and often deeply miserable; preventing one catastrophe seems to achieve little but to make room for the next one, and being recognised by anybody only serves to make them all the more comfortable in making yet more demands of Stelak's time and energy. As such, he's often very tired and sometimes very sad, but at the end of the day, no matter how worn out and fed up he might be, Stelak will always dutifully pick himself up and go where he's needed without complaint (or at least, without complaint while he's still within earshot of the people telling him where to go.)

The work needs doing, and if not him, then who? What would happen if he didn't show up? He doesn't like to imagine.

Thank goodness he doesn't have to do it alone.

It would be easy to say that Stelak does all of this for the love of his friends, and he does, but he also does it because it's the right thing to do, and doing the right thing regardless of whether one will be rewarded for it is what makes the world turn, isn't it? That one might get to meet all kinds of fascinating people and see all kinds of wonderful places is just a happy accident, and one that Stelak is all too eager to embrace. The world's an incredible place, it turns out, and now he gets to see it all!

This, too, Stelak is grateful not to be doing alone. 💜

(That's Teddy, by the way. He's Stelak's other best friend.)

One might be tempted to assume that Stelak would be keen to find out who he used to be before he arrived in Gridania, or at the very least that he'd be interested, but truthfully, he couldn't care less. For all he knows, he might not have existed at all before that moment; for all he knows, Hydaelyn might have simply plucked him from the aether for convenience's sake, or out of his bed or his bathtub or from some other place, but none of it matters so much as who he is now, who he's going to be in the future. Stelak's experiences have changed him even in this relatively brief span of time; who knows who he'll be next week?

So yeah, vote Stelak. ( b ._.)b

[dearweirdme]

You know you are right in saying that company sabotaging Tae is a sensitive topic and everyone has their views which can get messy. I respect your blog and your wishes to post your content however, I sometimes think you lack knowledge in the old happenings of BTS or aren't able to cover full content deeply. Please don't take it as something like I am taunting you. I understand you have a life outside fandom and no-one has the right to dictate what you should consume. I simply wanted to present a case that there might be a lot of things you might not notice maybe due to lack of time, interest or any justified reason. But that doesn't mean there might not be truth to sabotaging thing. You are also correct in stating that every solo fandom have problems with the bighit though that doesn't mean Tae is not being exploited. It maybe a heavier word I couldn't find the correct one.

My point is as you state that every member has unique bonds with each member and different level of skinship there is consistency in taekook which I accept though I am not a taekooker (I think I am on the road to be on one after reading your blog). Sorry I am digressing. All I am saying you should also look at consistency of bighit behaviour with Taehyung throught the years. I'll leave a link for you. Not everything would be objective but one can really find reality by looking at original content (as you always mention).

https://twitter.com/Tiffy_Russell/status/1037612533153247233?s=20

Your point of why would bighit sabotage Taehyung when he is filling their pockets is also valid. But again as you say things are not always black and white. I don't presume to know reasons but I can't turn an eye on evidence. I think as a Korean I understand the situation differently. Here, loyalty towards family is extremely important. Youngsters (millenials) are expected to be loyal to their elders and family even if you think they are not being fair to you. though youth are now more aware. Taehyung, is very unique. I don't think he has any love for company and pdnim but he is extremely loyal to his members. His patience, understanding, going out of the company to seek work for his solo era and yet be ready to re-sign is for members and not the company.

I think we should really see - what company is doing rather than asking why would they do it? My intention is not here to change anyone's views not I am asking you to boycott bighit. I am just presenting my views. Sorry for the long ask and my English and my inability to explain. Thank you for reading 🙏🏻

Hi anon!

Your English is fine, don’t worry about it at all 😊.

I am a relevantly newer fan. So there are absolutely things I’ve missed, though I am aware of the things that twitter thread mentioned. What I am definitely lacking is the vibe and feeling of certain situations. And this topic specifically is not something I am able to research well through looking at Run BTS, interviews, Bangtan Bombs, In The Soop, Bon Voyage, etc. I by no means think Bighit treats Tae (and the other members) well. I think they have consistently neglected taking care of the guys’s mental states. Tae has obviously suffered from it, and I think him having to stay a hidden member was very cruel, no matter what the reason behind that was.

Labels/music companies have only one goal, and that is to make money. They will do whatever they think best and the artists will just have to put up with it. There’s countless stories of artists being treated badly by their companies. I absolutely see that with BTS and Bighit as well.

What is the alternative though, if they were to choose a different company? Would things be better? From what I’ve heard other Korean companies are worse. Western companies certainly aren’t great as well and will not understand the members cultural background. So is there actually a better alternative?

When I talk about this (and yes I do so reluctantly) it’s with the present in mind. And I do not directly see signs of Bighit sabotaging Tae. They do promo, they give him opportunities, he seems happy to me, and his album is doing well. For me to think they were sabotaging him at this point, I’d have to see different things. There are actual cases of companies sabotaging their artists, and that includes having their music put on hold, never being allowed to publish an album, and worse things. Is the company fair to Tae? probably not. If boycotting them would be possible and actually help make things better for the guys, I’d probably join, because I think the music business as a whole could do with a reorganization.

I do see your point and I thank you for your insight on this 😊.

[allthewriteplaces]

Magnolia In May ~ Chapter Six

Chapter Summary: Jessie and Tommy finally spend a little time together, the two of them and the kids go on a picnic and there may or may not be ducks involved.

Chapter Warning(s): None.

Word Count: 5,067

Chapter Six

One week had passed. Life at Arrow House went on. A routine was quickly established and I took great care in sticking to it, ticking off each task like a list in my head. Predictability, to be able to know what was going to happen in advance, how things were supposed to go, and what was expected of me, eased the anxiety and gave me a sense of safety and security. Every morning, I rose early and got dressed. I always laid my clothes out on my bed the night before and had one outfit for every day of the week so I wouldn’t waste too much time picking something to wear. Then I would quietly go down the hall and wake Ruby and Charlie for breakfast.

Suffice it to say, neither of them appreciated having to leave their beds when they were just so comfortable, but we took things slow and steady, giving them time to get their bearings before I dressed them and brushed and combed their hair. Then after they’d eaten and brushed their teeth, they waited in the classroom for their instructors to come. They told me their last governess, a buxom, round-faced woman named Margot acted like a drill sergeant, practically dragging them out of bed. Charlie said if she had a whistle, she’d probably blow it to wake them up. They were also told that children should be seen and not heard.

Governesses were supposed to like children, or at least that was what I led to believe. She didn’t read to them, play with board games and cards or make up stories with them, she even brushed them away when they wanted to show her what they’d learned on the violin and piano and it hurt their feelings deeply. Long story short, they didn’t like her one bit and I can imagine the feeling was mutual, which is why she left before Thomas could fire her himself.

Now and then, we would go outside. I let the kids run around on the grass for a bit to get some fresh air in their lungs, and I would stand on the cobblestone, watching them play, like kids their age should be doing. Sometimes we drew on the driveway and played hopscotch, or we would simply sit on the grass to eat lunch. I wanted them to live life as stress-free as possible, to be kids.

Today, since the weather was nice, I’d asked Mister Shelby if I might take them out for a little drive; a change of scenery might do them some good, and maybe we would even stop by the park. Between the many business meetings and being shut up in the study, we didn’t see him much, aside from mealtimes.

He agreed, though he insisted I carry a weapon with me at all times. “Do you know how to shoot?” he asked, leaning back against his chair. There was no trace of humour in his eyes, or in his voice. This was a serious matter. Of course it was. These were his children he was talking about.

I shook my head. I had never used a gun before. I’d never even held one. The best form of self-defense I had been given was a rulebook that every woman needed to follow.

Rule number one: Never go anywhere alone, always travel in groups of three or more. Rule number two: Never venture out after dark, that’s when it’s the most dangerous. Rule number three: Stick to the roads you know. Rule number four: If anyone follows you, go into a crowded place. This way, they’ll be less inclined to do any harm. Another tactic is to shout or scream, take a few different turns and confuse them, make it as though they’re going through a maze. If all else fails, fight. Punch, kick and bite, like your life depends on it.

When I turned fifteen, the age where girls started going to parties and hanging out with boys, he became a tad more protective. He gave me a small steel dagger with a jagged edge and a wooden hilt with my grandmother’s initials carved into it. It wasn’t much, but if used correctly, he said, it could do enough damage to render my opponent defenceless and give me enough time to make my escape.

Eliza also became more protective, too. She sat me down one night after my cousins had gone to bed and gave me the talk that all mothers (or in this case, aunts) are supposed to give. It was unappealing back then.

When I explained all of this to him, he stood from his desk and unlocked a drawer. In his right hand was a revolver and I drew a long breath as he lined six led bullets up on the desk in a nice, neat row. They were gold and the tips were that odd colour between grey and blue. He loaded it and my heart lurched as I heard it click and he pointed it my way, not to hurt me, but to show me how I was supposed to hold it.

Then he unloaded it again and then went out of the room, asking me to follow. Soon we were outside and a wooden door which looked like it had been ripped off its hinges, stood in the middle of a patch of grass.

“Stand here,” he instructed, then he placed the weapon in my hand, using his own to adjust my hold on it. “All you have to do is raise it, point and squeeze the trigger. Aim for the lower chest, that’s where all of the vital organs are, or anywhere on the head. That will damage the brain.”

The anxiety wound up in my stomach once again. My eyes never left the weapon.

Maternal instincts had been instilled in me since I was a little girl and everytime I looked at Charlie, everytime he spoke or I saw his eyes twinkling, and everytime I would see Ruby walking toward me with a smile or heard her laugh, I felt something warm and endearing fill my heart.

The very idea that I needed to know how to use this, that there were people in this world who were capable of harming me or the children and that I would have to take a life in order to protect them, terrified me.

“Don’t shoot until you have a clear shot where no one else will get hurt. Once you have your target locked, shoot. Don’t hesitate. Don’t show them mercy, because they aren’t as noble and compassionate as you are. I should know.” His hands released mine and he stepped back a bit. “Now, repeat back what I just said.”

“Raise, aim for the vital spots, wait for a clear shot and then…” I heard the gun click as I squeezed the trigger. Nothing happened, of course. It wasn’t loaded.

“Very good, now let’s see if you can hit those marks, eh?” He reached into his pocket and put three of the six bullets into the cartridge and then handed the revolver back to me, standing back and placing his hands on his hips.

The weapon shook with my trembling hands and he placed one of his on top of mine again. “Sorry, I’ve never done this before.”

“Don’t worry, everyone gets nervous their first time,” he assured me, but while his tone was soft and calm, his face was serious. “But when it comes down to protecting yourself or your loved ones, you must do whatever’s necessary. I have already told the children what to do if the worst should happen. They’re more likely to take them to get to me than harm them.”

He paused again, that wandering look from when he talked about France, appearing in his eyes. Then as if coming out of a daze and remembering I was there, he continued.

“I almost lost Charlie once. He was too little to remember any of it, but one minute he was in my arms, the next he was gone. I will never forget the way my heart stopped, how it felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs and my whole world shattered. If that happens, find a safe place to hide, stay there until I come and find you. Don’t go after them yourself. I will take care of it, do you understand?”

Imagining Charlie in the hands of some monster, it made my stomach drop and my heart ache with anger. Who would ever dare to harm a child, especially a boy as sweet and innocent as he is? Exhaling, I could feel him move some hair away from my eyes with his fingers.

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Shall we get back to it?” He drew a long breath and his easy smile returned and his mind came back to the present as I raised the weapon. I imagined a face, a black patch over one eye, and a sickening grin on his face. I also tricked my mind into hearing the children screaming, which motivated me. “That’s right, deep breaths. Focus. You won’t be able to do much if you can’t think clearly. Loosen your grip….Aim….and…now.”

The gun clicked, the bullet flew and made a big dent in the old door as it ricocheted off the top. Without waiting, I tried again, lowering it until it was locked onto the right (technically left) side, where the heart was located. My nose wrinkled in concentration and I almost managed to hit it, but I went too high up.

“It’s alright. That’s why we’re practising. Third time’s the charm.”

Once more, I raised the weapon and it hit right where I wanted to.

“See? You’re a natural. Are you sure you haven’t done this before?”

I felt my heart race a little bit at the comment, a blush coming up on my cheeks and the heat rising to my chest. He was teasing me…I knew as much. But his tone was soft and playful and I thought I could detect a spark of flirtatiousness there, as well, but maybe it was just me overreacting?

“Are you alright?” he asked me, brushing a hand along my shoulder. “You’re shaking.”

“I’m fine,” I answered, still catching my breath and recovering from my adrenaline rush. I lowered the gun, moving my finger away from the trigger. It wasn’t loaded anymore, but I needed to be just as careful as I would be carrying scissors and knives. “I just thought of a scenario and I gave it all I had.”

“And what did you think about?”

“The kids. You.” I swallowed a lump in my throat and looked down at the ground, hoping he didn’t see the tears gathering in my eyes, but he was smarter than I was in many ways. He easily picked up on my fear and without warning, brought me into his arms, resting his chin on my head and rubbing my back soothingly.

“It’s alright. No one is going to lay a finger on them, or you. Not if I have anything to say about it, yeah?” I nodded and eased into his touch, only looking away when from the corner of my eye, I saw Frances standing near the door to the inside of the house, leaning on the frame as she caught her breath.

“Mister Shelby, is everything alright? I thought I heard gunshots and I came as quickly as I could!”

“Everything’s alright, I’m just initiating the new governess, that’s all. I’m sorry if I worried you there for a moment.” She seemed to know what he meant and I could sense the relief on her face. “Are the children awake yet?”

She shook her head. “Yes, sir. They’ve been asking for Jessie.”

“Tell them she’s talking to Daddy and that she’ll be there soon.”

“Of course,” she nodded. “Will there be anything else?”

“No. Thank you. That will be all.”

Frances retreated back inside and I could see her own worries lifting a little at seeing his friendly, reassuring smile. One of the main reasons I loved my place at the Shelbys was that Ruby and Charlie clearly followed their father’s example, saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and apologising when they unintentionally did or said something wrong.

They even volunteered to help cook and clean sometimes. I am not proud to say that not all households I had stayed in treated their staff with the same level of respect and gratitude as they did. A few of the maids I’d eventually become friends with told me the very same thing.

Eventually, I would learn that this was because Thomas knew what it was like to have every bit of dignity stripped away. He also knew that no matter how far up the social hierarchy he and the rest of his family managed to climb, or how legitimate they became, who they were and where they were from, would always be a harsh reminder that politicians, judges, lords and ladies, would look down upon them, never admit them into their palaces, as he’d said, and would treat them like the scum of the earth.

“Would you care to join me?” he asked suddenly.

“Join you, Mister Shelby?” I tilted my head to one side, confused.

“Tonight,” he added.

My pulse quickened. I was surprised by the question to say the least. Or maybe it was because my thoughts had started to wander and twist the meaning of his words. I knew I should probably say something to avoid looking foolish. “Do you mean….”

He raised an eyebrow and a smirk made its way onto his face. “What?”

“I…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. My mouth went dry, my tongue felt like it had gone numb. I couldn’t put my words together. I was completely and utterly speechless and it was humiliating. I knew I was flushing, just like I did that night at the dinner table when all he did was push in my chair for me like any other gentleman would do. In the background, I could hear the birds singing in the trees and a little grey squirrel scampered up the trunk and into its nest.

Realisation hit him and he laughed. “There’ll be plenty of time for that, love, I promise, but there are other things I wish to do first. After all, I don’t have just anyone in my bed. Unless that’s what you want, I’ll be happy to oblige.”

He paused and the pressure in my chest dissolved.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said.

“Have you ever laid with a man?” His voice dropped and I looked at him, astonished. He was bold, perhaps a bit too blunt, but there was also that mischievous glimmer from before.

“I—” I paused and then shook my head. “Those are not the sorts of questions you should be asking a lady, Mister Shelby.”

He stared at me for a few moments and then nodded, acknowledging his error and kicking up a bit of dirt with his boot. “Forgive me, that was a bit rude of me to ask such questions. I was going to say, before I let myself get carried away, that we could have dinner together, just you and I.”

“What about the kids, are you sure they’ll be alright without us?”

“I have already asked Johnny if he could take the kids for a few hours. He’s coming by later to pick them up. They’ll be happy over there and would probably stay all day long if I let them.”

I wasn’t sure who Johnny was, but if Thomas trusted him with his kids, that meant he was harmless and I wouldn’t have to worry about their safety while we were together.

Later, I walked with the kids to the car. When I told them we were going on a picnic, they were positively thrilled. They’d hoped their father would be coming along with us, and I was prepared to tell them that he’d join us another time, but to my surprise, just as I was about to climb into the driver’s seat, he came running out of the house and said he didn’t have anything important to do so he’d be joining us after all.

I wish I could have captured the look on their faces. I’d never seen them smile so brightly, and I could tell it had been a while since Thomas saw them smile like that, too. They were glad that he was finally going to be spending some time with them outside of meals, which was exactly what they’d been hoping for.

“We’re not taking the car,” he said, inclining his head and Charlie stepped out.

“Then how are we going to get there?” he asked. Ruby climbed out after him and their eyes met their father’s. I also wondered what sort of tricks this man had up his sleeve. With a smile, he made a motion with his head for us to follow him, which we did and when at last we stopped, we were standing a little ways away from a vardo, a traditional horse-drawn wagon held up by four wheels, with two being used for steering.

This one was painted a mossy green. Brown curtains provided a suitable entrance as well as shelter from the harsh rays of sunlight. A green tarp covered the bow-top roof and a black horse stood. He was content enough to munch on the blades of grass that sprouted at his hooves while he was waiting. The whole scene looked like something I had seen in a Van Gogh painting!

The kids glanced at each other and ran up ahead, seeing who could get to it first, and once they did, they climbed inside, already itching to get going. It was a good thing I held off telling them about the plans we had made until now or else they probably wouldn’t have slept the whole night because they would be too excited.

“Come on!” Charlie said, impatiently, waving me over with his hand in an exaggerated way. I could hear Thomas chuckle beside me and when I turned my head to look at him, his smile reached all the way up to his eyes.

“We’d better hurry, or they might leave without us,” he said, slipping his hand through mine and then without warning, he took off into a sprint, practically dragging me along with him. We eventually caught up with the kids, who were sitting inside and waving at us. There was a three-step ladder that they could use to climb in, and they were short enough not to bump their heads on the roof. Whereas Thomas and I needed to duck.

The inside looked fancy and well-kept, and there were some built-in seats up near the front where the driver and a few other people could sit and brown curtains that could be drawn to keep out the sunlight, or to provide a little bit more privacy.

One of my uncle’s dearest friends’ name was Patrin Holland, but everyone else called him ‘Paddy.’ He had one that looked almost exactly like this one, except now and then there would be these stunning pieces of antique furniture that they would take from the side of the road, items that were often discarded and would otherwise rot away, polish them, give them a fresh coat of paint and they would look almost brand new.

“One person’s trash is another person’s treasure,” he would say.

His main occupation was training and trading race horses, but now and then he would stop by the cottage for a chat and a cup of tea and would let the children go for a ride in the vardo if they wanted to, and it didn’t come as a surprise that the answer was always ‘yes.’ Alice always said it was better than Cinderella’s pumpkin carriage, because there was no magic spell that had been cast on the vardo to make it look beautiful, it was perfect the way it was.

They often wondered why we couldn’t have one, but Eliza and Albert said that they didn’t have any room for one. Plus, if we did, it would make the rides in Paddy’s less special.

Paddy and his wife, Sarah, had six children of their own. Four boys and two girls. Their oldest son, Django, was (and still is) one of my dearest friends and one of the kindest, most loyal men I’d ever met. He was tall, with beautiful brown hair and brown eyes and he had a warm laugh that made me feel at ease, even when I didn’t feel like smiling, or laughing.

Eliza used to tease me and say we might end up married someday, and really, I wouldn’t say ‘no’ if he asked me. She wasn’t even mad when I told her I’d once snuck out of the house one night and walked to his family’s camp. The air was cool, it was nearing the end of summer and autumn was making its entrance a little earlier than usual. He’d just come back from collecting wood for the fire and as soon as he saw me, his face lit up.

We sat on a log in front of the fire while his father put the younger kids to bed and his mother washed the laundry and pinned it up on the clothing wire. She did her own washing, but she also did the washing for her friends and neighbours. The girls, Theodora and Tillie, would often pitch in and help and came with their mother on errands.

Crickets chirped in the long grass and the full moon was shining, a rare sight in these parts. It was actually pretty romantic, much so in fact, that he kissed me. I had never been kissed before, but I knew what to expect. It would be awkward at first, and it kind of was, but then as we got more comfortable with it, and each other, it became more and more like the kisses I’d read about.

And that was pretty much it. We didn’t say a whole lot and sure enough, I went back home. I didn’t want Eliza and Albert to worry or to think something bad happened to me. No, it was the total opposite.

She was on the bottom step when I got home. She looked pale and I knew there was no sense hiding the truth about where I’d gone and who I was with. I trusted her with everything that was going on in my life and she was… thrilled. Was it because she was relieved, or because I’d just kissed a boy? Something she evidently never imagined me doing in her wildest dreams.

“Something on your mind, love?” Thomas asked in jest, his voice light and joking as he settled into his own seat. Coming back to the present moment, I looked around the vardo as Charlie adjusted his position on the seat. Ruby laid her head on my shoulder and I brought a hand up to stroke her hair. She was smiling, too.

“Just thinking,” I replied.

“About what?” she asked, her eyes were big and bright.

“About how excited I am,” I said, and it’s true. I was excited. I hadn’t gone on a picnic since last autumn, but now that it was nice and warm outside, it seemed like a good opportunity to get some fresh air.

He then turned to me with a teasing smile and a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. I could see now where Charlie got his good humour and mischief from. It was as clear as day.

“Well in that case, I hope you’re ready for an incredibly lavish picnic day,” he commented, his tone playful and flirty.

“I’m never one to pass up some fine dining!” I replied with a laugh of my own. With a flick of the reins, we started driving out of the estate into the countryside and took in all of the sights for the first time. It really was a beautiful day, and the bright, warm sunshine added a certain ambiance to the trip. I could feel my heart feel a little lighter as we left the estate behind and started the journey.

Despite it being only my second day working for Thomas and Charlie, I was really beginning to feel welcome in this family, as though we had known each other for years, and I felt my heart warm with each passing moment spent in their comfortable presence.

“Such a beautiful day,” I said. The place was beautiful, the sun shone on the lake, making the water shimmer. The soft breeze blew through the neighbouring trees and tall grass. We got out of the wagon together and I took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air.

“It is indeed,” Thomas agreed with a soft smile as he looked around, his eyes full of delight and happiness as he let out a sigh of satisfaction. He really did seem to enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

“Look! Look at the ducks!” said Ruby, pointing a little ways ahead of us to where a family of ducks were swimming in the lake. I knelt down beside her to get a closer look at them.

“There’s four of them! A mama, a papa and two little babies,” I said in glee after seeing how cute they were, playing and swimming in the lake below.

“Just like us,” said Charlie, putting a hand on my shoulder, then turned to his father. “Right, Daddy? That one’s you, Jessie’s the mama, that one’s me and Ruby’s the smallest one.”

“You’re right, that does look like us,” he nodded.

“Daddy’s making a lot of noise,” Ruby giggled and I smiled at her.

“Daddy does make a lot of noise, doesn’t he?” I asked jokingly.

“Yeah,” said Charlie and Thomas gasped in mock offence.

“I do not!” he said.

“Do to,” Ruby argued, moving from her spot, over to her dad.

“I can’t wait to tell my cousins!” he exclaimed with a grin.

“Hold on! I have an idea!” I reached into my brown bag, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen. I turned to an empty page and began to draw the ducks. Charlie watched me as the pen moved across the paper.

“How do you do that?” he commented.

“Magic!” I replied, putting up my hands and their eyes widened.

“Can you draw a cat, too?” Ruby asked, looking up at me with a curious expression. I smiled back at her, then once I was done with the ducks, I began to sketch a cute little cat on the paper and a yarn ball.

“What about a soldier?” asked Charlie. “Or a teddy bear.”

“Not sure if I can draw a soldier, but I can draw a teddy bear.”

Beside the cat, I drew a teddy bear. It wasn’t anything spectacular, just a few quick little doodles.

“Daddy, look at the kitty cat.”

“How charming!” Thomas exclaimed enthusiastically, looking over my shoulder at the little drawing I had made of the cat.

“Meow!” Charlie said, mimicking a cat.

“Meow!” Ruby repeated.

“Meow!” I replied.

“Daddy, you try,” said Ruby.

“Oh, do I look like I can do a good cat meow?” Thomas teased with a playful smile. She sat up and then got on her knees, holding one of her white hair ribbons above his head, like it was an actual cat toy, a pleading look on her face and a grin appeared on Charlie’s face.

Tommy couldn’t hide his delight at the challenge, and he began to make quiet purring noises from his chest, laughing to himself as he did his best impression of a cat purring. He pantomimed a pretend cat’s paw in the air, his voice trying its best to mimic meows.

Even if it wasn’t the best cat impression I’d heard, there was something very endearing about the noises this grown man was making just to put a smile on the faces of his children who were giggling non-stop now. I found myself smiling happily along as well as I watched the three of them.

“Well, do you think that’s an accurate depiction of a cat, or am I too far off the mark?” he asked with a small, joking laugh.

“No, I think that’s pretty accurate.” I chuckled softly.

I couldn’t help but feel my heart flutter and my stomach flip just the slightest bit and I felt myself slowly inching closer towards him in response, pulled in by the pull of that invisible magnetic force. I tried my best to hold back a little blush that was rising on my face.

“Can we eat now? I’m absolutely starving!” Charlie announced excitedly, looking towards the basket that sat a few inches away from where we were sitting.

“Me, too,” said Ruby. “Daddy, listen. My tummy’s making noises.”

He pressed his ear to her stomach and nodded. “It sounds hungry.”

I stood up and heard her giggle as he scooped her up in his arms.

“Wanna help me get the basket, Charlie?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He followed me back to the vardo and we brought the basket with us and put it on the ground.

“Alright, let’s see.” I opened the basket and looked inside as if I were looking into a chest of treasures. “My, my! What do we have here? Some sandwiches, a jug of lemonade, now this is a perfect picnic if I’ve ever seen one!”

The kids happily ate their lunch and chattered excitedly, tossing the crusts of the bread to the ducks and I laid down on the grass, listening to the wind rustling in the treetops and hills all around us.

Ruby crawled across the grass and laid down beside Thomas, putting her head on his chest. “Daddy, can we do this everyday?”

“Wouldn’t you get tired of it, my darling?”

“I guess,” she shrugged.

“Every other day?” Charlie asked, hopefully.

He laughed and I closed my eyes. Tomorrow, there would be new problems and challenges to face, but for now, we continued to eat sandwiches and drink lemonade and feed ducks, enjoying the peace and quiet. It was nice just to disappear for a few hours, anonymous, where no one could find us.

To be continued!

Taglist: @zablife @runnning-outof-time @izabesworld @cillmequick @sherbitdibdab

[sergeantgoggles]

Title: Tools of a Relationship Ship: Techo [Tech/Echo] Rated: T Summary: Echo stayed on Coruscant and left Tech to figure out how to pick up the pieces of a broken heart by himself. Warnings: More Machine meets flesh mentions and blood. Word Count: 1084

For Hurt/Comfort Anon // Hopefully I did it justice!

“I told you to be more careful,” Tech snapped quietly. “You have not been keeping up with the maintenance of your mechanical parts the way you should be which is why this happened in the first place.”

Echo sneered as Tech worked meticulously. All sorts of tools from screwdrivers and wrenches to pliers and a tiny hammer were laid out on the console. Next to it was a first aid kit that Tech had already dug into, as evidence by the empty hypo shot amongst the tools.

If he were being honest, he should have known that Tech would be upset. He had every right to be. When they left him on Coruscant to work with Rex, Tech hadn’t been thrilled with the idea, but like everything else, he didn’t give much input. He simply went with the flow of things, and it wasn’t like Echo had expected some big send-off. A kiss, maybe, since they had taken their relationship to that level, but even after all their time together, Tech was still as guarded as ever.

Now, sitting in the Marauder while sorting through the files he was able to pull from the Imperial transport ship, he could see that Tech felt more deeply about it than he’d let on. At least, that was the impression Echo was getting from the rather cool attitude he was being so generously graced with.

“Haven’t had the time to keep up with it,” Echo finally replied coolly. “Been doing my part in the rebellion.”

“Yes, I can see that,” Tech countered with just as much chill in his tone. “These brackets have dried blood in them. It is no wonder Wrecker was able to jostle it so easily and tear more skin.”

Echo at least had the decency to be sheepish about that. It’s true that he hadn’t been taking care of his parts the way he should have been, partly because it was hard for him to do alone and he didn’t want to ask Rex to help him with it, but also because it was something that had always been intimate between him and Tech. Many nights had been spent in this exact position of comfortable silence or quiet music playing from the console. Sometimes they would chat, other times Tech would touch him so tenderly he could cry.

“Sorry,” Echo apologized, and he was. He should have been keeping up with it so he didn’t make the already shitty situation worse. Now Tech was left cleaning up ripped skin and blood figuring out how to reattach his scomp without reopening the wounds.

Tech gave a non-committal hum. “You will have to be more specific than that if you are expecting forgiveness. I am not feeling particularly generous at the moment, so choose wisely.”

A strong pang of guilt struck Echo’s chest and he stared at the floor, sort of wishing he could disappear through it. “Are you really that upset that I left?”

“Of course,” Tech replied without missing a beat, as though this was any other conversation. “There was not any prior discussion before you divulged that you were staying with Rex, and I might be mistaken, but when in an exclusive, intimate relationship, you are supposed to discuss matters together and not take it upon yourself to make potentially life-changing decisions.”

There was an odd look on Tech’s face then, as though he were warring with himself. Echo took advantage of them being alone in the Marauder to question him further. “I didn’t think you felt that strongly about it.”

That gave Tech pause. At first, he glared at Echo, but then turned his gaze back to the work in his hands cleaning the blood from the ports while the bacta healed up the rips in Echo’s arm. It was a long moment before Tech finally put the tools down heavily on the console and screwed his face with emotion.

“I have told you before that I am unused to outwardly emoting my feelings. I am unsure of how to properly convey those sorts of emotions, but I have always tried.” As Tech explained, Echo listened, and the more he listened, the more he felt his stomach drop. “I had considered several reasons that you left, many of them centering around simply not being good enough at being in a relationship, but I suppose I had tricked myself into thinking that you understood me better than that. In the end, I guess I was wrong.”

…Well, then.

Echo lifted his flesh arm and cupped Tech’s cheek, slightly surprised that he leaned into the touch instead of jolting away. He figured it was a welcome touch, or at least gentle enough that he didn’t find it intrusive. Leaning forward, Echo closed the gap between them and pressed their lips together. Tech hesitated, but eventually he did reciprocate, and Echo melted. If anything could be said about Tech, it was that he was a quick study, and he’d come a long way from their first kiss ages ago to now.

When they parted, Echo kept him close. “I’m sorry that I didn’t take your feelings into consideration. I care about you a lot, and I should have discussed my intentions to stay with Rex and help his instead of telling you I was doing it. I was wrong…even if I know that what I’m doing is the right thing to do.”

Tech sighed and fiddled with his fingers in his lap. “I never disagreed that it was the right course of action for you. You had been repeatedly vocal about wanting to fight against the Empire, I simply wished you would have talked to me about it. I would have understood, I still do, but pretending that I am not upset with you and that I do not miss you has been challenging.”

Echo’s heart skipped a beat, and he smiled a little. “You missed me?”

“…Of course, I did,” Tech confessed as a sweet, rosy blush dusted his cheeks. “I also care greatly for you. It is only natural that I—”

Another, more forceful kiss cuts him off, but Echo feels Tech smirk against his lips.

“So…am I forgiven?” Echo asked cheekily as he sat back again.

Tech rolled his eyes and picked up Echo’s scomp from the console, setting to work on it once again. “Ask me again when I am finished cleaning and putting you back together.”

Smiling at the ease of tension between them, Echo nodded. “Sure thing.”

[chaosmultiverse]

@superbeaucoupdevisages​ answered:

   It...Hurt. It really hurt. How was one supposed to react to hearing someone you cared so deeply about that had been taken out of your life- That you had SEEN leave your life? No matter the amount of talking Maki had done with various people, her friends included, at the mention of HIM, she would immediately shut down any sort of conversation. She didn’t want to hear it, and she would much prefer to simply bottle these feelings up and forget about them on some dusty shelf. It was such a cruel fate for somebody that she had once held so closely but- She needed to be able to move forward. To keep going day by day with her existence. It should have been enough that sometimes she bought silly little mementos that reminded her of him. It should have been enough to keep his memory in her heart and thoughts. It should have been enough to have his friends around her that understood the pain.

   But...It was never enough. It would never be enough. Especially since the whole incident felt entirely unjust. How could people have decided that it happening was an okay thing? That they had let it gone on for so long? Losing him is what had made her hate the majority of the people on this god awful planet, and nothing could change her mind. Except by some miracle he was still alive on this planet somewhere but- Maki doubted that. She had been through the whole denial part of grieving and would rather not loop back around to it. But if anything- She was still angry. Very angry. So why now? Had she not suffered enough already?”

     “......It’s not FAIR..!” Her fists shook at her side before letting her anger get the better of her. Fist raised, she quickly slammed her knuckles into the mirror in front of her with a small yell.

He wasn’t sure how he was still there, flickering in and out, watching his friends go on. at first... He thought it was a dying dream, something his mind came up with to comfort him, one last lie before the curtain fell but it had became clearer and clearer that no, this was very much real.

And he wasn’t anymore, or well more he was what could be called a ghost, what remained of someone who had died, a ‘living’ memory. He was glad to see that his friends had been living life as much as they could but... It hurt... Watching like a member of the audience instead of being there with them.

He had tried a few times already to grab the attention of his friends, ranging from trying to break or move things to yelling and screaming, begging for them to look at him, see him. Nothing had worked, Kato had never been one to give up but... He needed to take a break, it was driving him insane and making the hole in his heart fill more and more with grief over his own death and he couldn’t take that anymore, he needed to regroup, regather his strength... The one upside to this all was no one could see when he needed to rest, when he was ‘weak’.

Or so he thought as words slipped out, a musing not meant to actually hit Maki’s ears as he was watching her head off to bed once again but... No she reacted, she yelled, replied.

In the broken shards of the mirror was where she could see him, he was blankly staring back at her, his features seemed more hallow, the bags under his eyes noticeable, he had a surprised look on his face.

“You- You can see me?” His voice was a bit off, far away and... It sounded like the memory of his voice, it lacked the breathes between words, the energy from his lungs and chest that his speech had but it was indeed Kaito’s voice.

[smartrelationshiptips]

3 Months Rule After Breakup: Best Tips For You

3 Months Rule After Breakup

Just like every other human being, the fear of rejection is deeply ingrained in us. We’re afraid that we won’t find a partner who loves us as much as the last one. We’re afraid we’ll go through this same heartbreak all over again. And in most cases, some people who experience this kind of pain decide to jump into another relationship to feel loved again. The three-month rule is considered a guideline because it allows time to heal properly and to avoid jumping from relationship to relationship without giving yourself the time to heal truly.

The Takeaway: It might be difficult, but it is necessary to give yourself enough time before deciding that you’re ready for another commitment. Don’t rush into another relationship just because you feel lonely or desire companionship and intimacy. Instead, spend this precious time alone to take care of yourself and to heal from the breakup.

Don’t Settle Yet For Another Partner

No matter how tempting it is, you shouldn’t rush into a relationship to feel better. We’ve all gone through painful breakups, and we know that sometimes just the thought of being with someone else makes us feel instantly better.

But be Careful.

You might only be going through the motions and are not truly ready to get back into the dating scene. There’s a huge chance that you’ll end up hurting yourself more than necessary because your heart is still fragile from the previous hurts. It would help if you spent some time alone to heal properly before jumping into another relationship. The Takeaway: Save yourself some heartbreak and use your time wisely – take care of yourself and heal properly. Don’t get into another relationship to feel better or because you’ve been feeling lonely lately. You need to save this precious time for yourself, so you can move on easier when the time is right. Remember, there’s no rush.

No Impulsive Decisions When It Comes To Love

When you’ve been dumped, it is very easy for you to say that you’ll never get hurt again and that your next relationship will be different. It might feel like you’re now smart enough to avoid another painful breakup, but before making any decision, you need to wait out the initial phase of your heartbreak.

The Takeaway: It’s great that you’ve learned from your previous relationship, and if it is true that they say ignorance is bliss, then we wouldn’t be able to move on because of all those painful breakups that we’ve experienced. However, you still need to give yourself some time before jumping into another relationship that might lead to heartbreak again. Be patient.

Also Read: 6 months after breakup

Is 3 Months Enough Time To Get Over An Ex?

Psychologist Jennifer B. Rhodes, PhD. at the University of Kentucky says that 3 months is enough time to get over an ex if you follow these guidelines:

Allow yourself to feel your feelings and don’t stuff them in.*

Find out what went wrong so you can avoid another painful breakup. *

Allow time for yourself before you decide that you’re ready for a new relationship. *

Avoid impulsive decisions when it comes to love. *

Hope this helps!

Should You Follow the 3-month Rule?

No matter how tempting it is, you shouldn’t rush into a relationship to feel better. We’ve all gone through painful breakups, and we know that sometimes just the thought of being with someone else makes us feel instantly better.

Is 3 Months After A Breakup A Rebound?

It’s not uncommon to find yourself in a rebound relationship after ending things with your significant other. But is there such thing as rebound relationships? Do they happen within three months of the breakup, or is it just an excuse for people who are simply looking for companionship and want to date again? 

What is a Rebound?

A rebound relationship is when you get back with your ex because you’re feeling lonely and think that getting involved in a new relationship will help erase the pain of your previous break up. However, rebounds are not good for you if they don’t make sense or if it doesn’t feel right. You should only get into a rebound relationship if you’re truly ready and things will work out in the long run.

How soon could you get into a rebound?

It would all depend on how fast you’ve healed from your previous breakup. People can bounce back right away after their breakups, but this doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t take time to heal. For some people, it takes a few days before they bounce back, and for others, they’re not able to rebound so quickly.

The Takeaway: Rebounds indeed happen after breakups, but this doesn’t mean that you should immediately start dating the first person who comes your way. Give yourself time to heal properly before getting into another relationship.

What Is The First Rebound?

Revenge or rebound relationships are common, and most people go through this type of relationship when they’ve just broken up with someone. It’s normal to be hurt after a breakup, so you might want to get back at your ex by finding someone who will make them feel jealous or regret their decision of ending things with you. Revenge relationships aren’t good for you, so it’s best to avoid them if you don’t want to end up hurting yourself or the other person involved in the relationship.

The Takeaway: If your ex treated you badly, it might be tempting to find someone who will make them feel jealous but remember that revenge will get you nowhere. If you need to get back at your ex, it’s best to do so in a healthy manner so you can move on easier instead of making yourself feel worse than before. Sometimes it’s best to let go and focus on yourself for once instead of other people.

Is It Good to Stay Single After a Breakup?

People usually think they’re ready to date again after a breakup, but it’s best not to rush things. There are plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t jump into another relationship right away, and taking time off for yourself is highly recommended.

The Takeaway: It might be tempting to find someone new as soon as possible, but you should give yourself enough time to heal properly. Taking time off for yourself is highly recommended because it gives you more time to figure out what’s going on in your head and why you ended things with your ex. You’ll be able to see things clearly when the time is right, and this will make sure that you don’t rush things and end up hurting yourself or someone else involved in a rebound relationship.

You May Like: How Long After Breakup Is Rebound

How Could You Avoid Rebound Relationships?

There are plenty of ways for you to avoid getting into a rebound relationship. To get over someone, you must focus on yourself and take time off for your own needs. Take this as an opportunity to do something new and exciting so you can move on easier when the time is right.

The Takeaway: Avoiding rebound relationships is fairly easy because all you have to do is focus on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your time off and not thinking about love at the moment. You might feel a little lonely, but you must enjoy your own company first before trying out something new when the right time comes.

If you’re not ready to date, don’t force yourself into a relationship. People can get over their exes right away, but this doesn’t mean that they should immediately jump into another relationship.

The Takeaway: It will come naturally when you’re ready, so there’s no need to force the issue if you want to get into another relationship. If you’re not quite ready, it’s best to focus on yourself and not force a rebound relationship if you don’t want to end up hurting the other person involved in the affair.

It’s normal for people to think that they’re ready to date again after a breakup, but this doesn’t mean that they should immediately start dating again.

The Last Word

People often think they’re ready to date again after a breakup, but it’s best not to rush into another relationship. It might be tempting to do so, but you should give yourself enough time to heal properly and figure out the reason why you broke up with your ex. Take this as an opportunity to do something new and exciting when the right time comes so you can move on easier.

 I hope this article has given you some insight into what it means to go through a breakup and how long it can take for your mind to recover. It’s important not to rush the healing process because if you do so too quickly, then there is a good chance that the pain will come back with a vengeance.

This may lead to people staying in failed relationships longer than they should have just because they feel like their brains are telling them otherwise. If you’re struggling after breaking up with someone or want more advice on the subject matter, please leave any comments below!

[qxrhg]

You were supposed to be my forever

Now I’m lying here alone in a cold empty bed and wondering what the point of it all is. I throw myself into work because it’s the only thing I have left, the only place I can feel like I have some purpose. That seems so shallow, but what is it we’re supposed to do with this life anyway? To me, the whole point is to create connections. We, as human beings, are meant to form connections with other people. We need to love and be loved in return or what’s the point of existing? All my life I’ve wanted that special connection with someone.

Sometimes it felt so right with you. The way we could communicate without speaking, how we knew each other’s habits and body language so well it became a private language that belonged just to us. The comfort of being in your arms and feeling like everything was all right. You were my safe space, the one I looked to before all others. And I tried to be what you wanted me to be. In the beginning you were right, there was a lot I had to work on about myself. There was anger and fear and the weight of past traumas, but I knew I would have to push past them if I was going to be good enough for you. So I worked on myself. I looked hard into the ugliest parts of myself and fought to be the best version of myself that I could be. I grew and became kinder, more secure, and braver than I had ever been. I was so proud of what I had become, the hell I had trudged through to become who I was meant to be.

But somehow that still wasn’t enough. There was always something wrong with me no matter how hard I tried. I never realized until after how much that chipped away at me over the years. The criticisms just shifted, an impossible array of balls to keep juggling so I was always going to end up dropping one. So I started to feel hopeless. At first I thought that I was just so fundamentally broken that I was simply beyond fixing, no amount of effort could ever be enough to make up for the fundamental train wreck that was me. I used to lay there and fantasize about being able to make myself into someone else entirely, someone worthy of your love. Someone you would finally be proud to show off, that you could have absolutely no doubts about. I wanted you to look at me and see the love of your life, like I saw mine when I looked at you. If I had had the money I would have carved my face and body up with plastic surgery until I had finally gotten rid of everything you found objectionable.

Then the PTSD hit and the therapy made me realize that the flaws I did have were human. That it was ok to have them, they didn’t mean that I didn’t deserve love. I realized that I was never going to meet your impossibly high standards. They had to be coming from something else inside you, something that made you not ever want to let me in. Because I should have been enough. I loved you with my whole heart, I took care of you, and dammit I’m a good person. I’m kind, smart, accomplished, funny and one of the bravest damn people you will ever meet. But it doesn’t matter if you don’t want to let me in. You don’t want me to know you, you don’t want to open yourself to me and give your whole heart. Maybe there’s a reason for that, some kind of hurt that made you incapable of letting another person in like that.

So now we’re both alone, dazed and bewildered and unsure what even comes next. We both face the empty, gaping chasm of what used to be our life together and try to come to terms with the feelings that come out of that. For me, it’s just an overwhelming amount of grief. Grief for the life I thought I had, for the years I wasted getting so deeply invested, and for my poor broken heart. I’ve barely skimmed the surface of what’s happening with that. All I know is I have a lot of feelings that I’m never going to be good enough to be loved how I want to be loved and I don’t know what to do about that.

Even if the perfect potential partner showed up tomorrow, I don’t know if I can do it again. I don’t know if I can give my love and trust knowing how badly I hurt now. The thought of it is too much to bear. I don’t know why I’ve never found what I’m looking for. With foresight I can definitely see red flags that should have made me leave long ago, but I’m not sure what to do with that information because the damage is done. I’m 42 and it just might be that my chance is gone. The dating world seems like a cold and cynical place and I don’t think I can face it. My heart can’t take being evaluated and rejected again and again, I had to face enough of that with you. I’m just so very tired.

[dishtothedeath]

On the Hook | Jun'ya | 2.2 | RE: Liêm, Yukari

Oh, it was his brother’s favourite.

Interesting. Taking responsibility, indeed. What a pity. That side of the table would become emptier yet. Even knowing what it would mean for him, Liêm had thanked Alfie as he pulled what could only be the signed, soaked death warrant out of his pocket.

These proceedings always left Jun’ya so very tired. All the tension and speculation. Accusations of cruelty and moments where the betrayal finally sank in. It’s nothing short of a miracle paired with years of practice that he can still keep himself composed. It helps, somewhat, to focus on the more pressing material realities. It still takes him another moment to be able to speak as calmly as he'd like. Someone had to be reliable.

“If Charybdis simply fell in and was unable to be revived, it would likely be considered a deeply unfortunate accident. Even if someone is dying right before your eyes, sometimes there's nothing you can do."

And that could have been the end of it. But it wasn't ever that simple.

"However, we are operating on the assumption that Liêm attacked Manaka while he was attempting to provide life-saving aid. It’s entirely possible the resuscitation attempt would have failed even if he had been able to continue as normal, but we don't know for certain either way. Being interrupted would have guaranteed that it failed. Regardless of what could have been, I presume that would be adequate for him to be considered at fault here.”

It was a less straightforward application of fault, perhaps, but preventing someone from receiving care after an accident was as much of a death sentence as holding their head under the water here. Even if Charybdis was already as good as dead at the time the compressions were administered, even if Masaji wouldn’t have been able to help her in the end, none of it mattered. Too many what-ifs. Could have, would have, should have. Everything pointed them to what was.

Their confessed killer had said it himself: it may not have been planned, but it didn’t matter why he had done what he did. He’d killed two of the most shocking possible picks. Masaji, the beloved underdog. Charybdis, the untouchable champion. (However you wished to assign blame in that matter, he was fairly confident in his assessment that the less charitable possibility was more likely.)

Killed them without really meaning to. So he panicked and ran.

And then, belatedly, confessed to it. Just happened to forget the death warrant in his pocket, was all. Things like that happen when you panic.

What a way to cut three narratives short.

[crofttheboss]

There hasn’t been a single moment where I’ve questioned if you’re the one I’m supposed to be with. I like to think that I believe everything happens for a reason.. I’m not sure how much I believe it, but it’s got a nice ring to it. In the past, I simply wouldn’t have been able to give you everything; that you most definitely deserve. Nowadays I find myself thriving.. not in every aspect but within myself. I am patient, kind, honest, and mature. I hope those are qualities that you see when you look at me, because I see them in myself. I’ve been thinking a lot these past 2 weeks about how I want the rest of my life to look. Above everything else, I have this aspiration to be deeply & perpetually in love with you. Meaning, forever. I know with all my heart that I will love you forever and that I will want you for every breath I draw. I can’t promise you that I/we will be perfect. I can’t promise that we won’t argue or disagree sometimes, because we will. Nevertheless, I CAN promise that when things aren’t okay, I will do everything possible to make them okay. I CAN promise that no matter how many times we argue I will always love you the same. I CAN promise that nobody else will ever have my attention. I CAN promise that I will always try to do everything right & just be good to you. I see growth in the way that we talk things out and it makes me feel good. I see your effort and it reassures me that you want this just as much as I do. Although, I don’t think it’s possible because I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. I’ve never put much thought into marriage before - but it’s consuming my mind lately. On April 11th we were at the movie theater watching the new Scream movie. Throughout the movie I kept looking at you, the dim light on your face and how the light was shining off your legs as well. There was a long period of time where I wasn’t paying attention to the movie, I was paying attention to you. I try to memorize every moment with you because I never know when it could be the last one. Anyways, I couldn’t pay attention to the movie because I kept thinking about asking you to marry me. I’m hoping that doesn’t sound absurd, but so what if it does? The love that I have for you is something you would see in a movie; the love I have with you is unimaginable. That’s why I like writing it out, because it shows a shimmering glimpse. I look at you and I feel it. When you do, even briefly, I undergo a multitude of emotions in just a blink. Lust, fear, love, and many other things I’m struggling to find the words for. It’s as if I’m frozen in time just for an instant when my eyes meet yours.. I feel lust because I want you so fucking bad… Not only in a sexual way but in a way where my soul wants to be intertwined with yours. I’m fearful, because I think about losing you. And it’s not something I willingly choose to think of. It’s as if I’m so overwhelmed with good sentiments - that my heart screams ‘this isn’t going to last’. So you look at me and for a split second I feel desolate & almost wistful (juss learned that word - courtesy of google) I’m practically mourning the loss of you, while you’re right there with me. The way I feel about you, with you, and when I touch you is crazy. I’ve even went as far as to think about how I’ll ask you to marry me & it’s driving me insane. I have a couple ideas and I’m not saying any of this lightly. I am completely & utterly yours. My attention is solely yours. My body aches for your touch while you’re away as well as when you’re with me. But I have this habit of playing it cool.. going with the flow & never being, saying, doing, or asking for too much.. So I refrain from expressing just how bad I desire your hands being on me. It’s gotten me this far in life so I figure I should stick with it. You’re asleep right now kind of laying on me, and I want to hold you but I don’t want to stop typing. I could go on & on about the way that I love you… Because it is truly endless and I still discover new reasons with each passing day as to why I love you Debra.

[whumpinaheartbeat]

A Brother's Touch (Febuwhump 2023 Day 1)

This fic contains mentions of past severe life threatening injury. Please read with discretion.

Out of all the Tracey brothers, Gordon had always been the most tactile.

It didn’t matter if it had been the best day of his life, if Gordon hadn’t had any form of human contact over the course of a day he felt lost. Lonely. Unwanted, even. Yet if he had the most terrible day, full of tragedy and death and injuries he couldn’t heal, a simple hug assured him that everything was going to be okay and reminded him that he wasn’t just wanted, he was loved truely and deeply.

Gordon needed those hugs on the bad days, just as he needed the high fives or the friendly wrestles over the tv remote on the good days. He needed the assurance that he was loved just as much as his over active body needed the external stimuli to be able to regulate itself. It was why he sometimes pretended to fall asleep during late night movies so that one of his brothers would have to carry him to bed and it was also why Scott or Virgil made sure to conveniently sit close enough to Gordon after a difficult mission just in case he needed the attention.

The Tracy’s knew as well as Gordon himself did that he thrived on the love and affection they gave him to the point that it was often joked about that the only reason why there were five Tracey brothers was so that there would always be at least one of them to be there for Gordon to latch onto.

Gordon would die if he didn’t get at least one hug per day, just like John would die if he didn’t have some time to himself or Scott would die without his several cups of coffee. They each had their needs met so that they could be the best pilots they could be.

That isn’t to say that Gordon’s need for physical affection couldn’t be frustrating. 

Their job was hard and sometimes the last things the others wanted was a hug or a piggy back after being unable to save someone or their bodies were simply too sore to tolerate Gordon’s neediness. Grandma would always make sure to pick up the slack when the boys needed a break from Gordon and she would guide him into the kitchen, a gentle hand on his shoulder or the small of his back, so that they could bake something together which usually became a disaster all in of itself.

Gordon was a tactile person. 

At least, he had been. Until that day. 

Even with all the medical advancements in the world, there was an unspoken truth that everybody knew. Gordon Tracey should be dead. The Hydrofoil accident that had left him bedridden for months as they tried to stabilise not just his spine but his life itself hadn’t just affected his body, it had affected him.

Gordon pretended that nothing had changed, assuring them that he was now completely-fine-and-stop-smothering-me-Scott-or-I-swear-on-the-ocean but as the days wore on, the absence of some vital piece of their home life was felt more and more.

There were no more hugs. No more wrestling. No more faking sleep during movies so that he could be carried upstairs or so he could nestle into them just for a little longer. Gordon always sat alone now. If someone tried to sit beside him, he would move. If Grandma offered to bake with him, Gordon would claim that he wasn’t hungry.

He was fine, Gordon would tell them whenever they looked at him with those wide eyes. He was perfectly fine.

It wasn’t hard to work out what had happened; Gordon had spent months in that hospital bed where every small touch brought him agony. His body had been ripped apart, his spine shattered, his nerves misfiring even when he wasn’t moving. Gordon had been exposed to so much unending pain that he hadn’t yet realised that it had mostly gone away.

He had been medically cleared to return home with prescribed pain medication to help with residue and breakthrough pain but the Doctors said that he had gotten past the worst of it and yet it was like Gordon didn’t trust his body enough to tolerate any touch at all. Anticipation of a hug sent shudders through him, an offering of a high-five made the colour drain from his face. Alan had accidentally come too close to him while making breakfast, tripping over his own feet and catching himself on the countertop without once touching Gordon and yet Gordon had screamed out in pain all the same.

Gordon hadn’t eaten breakfast that day and Alan did not see him for another three days after that. 

Virgil had offered for Gordon to stay with him that night. Gordon in turn had assured him that everything was fine and that he was too old for sleepovers. Scott had stayed with Virgil instead, a gentle hand on Virgil’s shoulder as he stared into the nothingness and wondered where he went wrong.

It wasn’t just Virgil who felt the distance, it was all of them. Kayo was accepting more missions, if only to be away from the island so she didn’t have to feel like she was walking on eggshells. Scott had thrown himself into the backlog of paperwork he had put aside since Gordon’s injury, barely even coming out for meals. Alan had even started lashing out. He was going through puberty, sure, but Alan had never before yelled at Virgil only to immediately burst into tears, apologies garbled between the sobs like that before. Virgil had held him tightly but Alan did not relax into his embrace, not like how he usually would hugging Gordon.

Gordon was home at last yet nothing was the way it should be.

The boy had even stopped swimming, another consistent facet of life that was now uncomfortably missing. His doctors had advised that maybe swimming would even do his recovery good, the buoyancy would help take his weight off of his healing spine after all, but ever since returning home he hadn’t so much as gone onto the pool deck.

Gordon was alive, sure, but he wasn’t Gordon.

There was a tension felt throughout all of Tracey Island, a band just waiting to snap. Without their touchy-feely brother it was as if the rest of them forgot what physical contact felt like. There was little need for hugs if Gordon wasn’t the one initiating it.

It became almost a challenge. Instead of seeing which of them could avoid Gordon’s unending need for attention for the longest time, they were each trying to be the one to make Gordon come back out of his shell again. And like all challenges, Alan was desperate to be the one to complete it. He had already had one break down over it, he sure as hell wasn’t going to have another one.

And so, he declared that tonight was going to be a movie night.

“Actually,” Gordon said. “I’m beat. I’m gonna turn in for the night.”

“You can’t go to bed yet!” Alan claimed. “It’s… It’s the last night that John is down for!”

“EOS is the best operating system in the galaxy.” Gordon said, crossing his arms. 

The movement was so natural and yet in a single instant the colour had drained from Gordon’s face and his mouth fell open.

“Gordon, are you-“

“I’m fine.” 

Gordon straightened yet that just seemed to jar his back even worse than when he had crossed his arms and he was left trembling, a hand reaching behind him for anything he could hold onto. He could find no purchase, too far away from the couch. Gordon’s legs felt like jelly but he refused to let them buckle. Alan was already looking like a deer in head lights, Gordon didn’t want to freak out his little brother even more by collapsing.

After a few careful breaths and a hell lot of internal cursing, the pain ebbed away and Gordon was left feeling exhausted but still standing.

“John can literally watch anything we watch in space.” Gordon continued. “In fact, Thunderbird 5 has better graphics and sound than down here.”

“Gordon, I think you should sit down.” Alan said. 

“I said I’m fine.” Gordon snapped. He schooled his expression, levelling out his voice. “Besides, isn’t it past your bedtime?”

Alan’s concern was immediately replaced with indignation, pulling himself up to full height and puffing out his chest.

“What am I? Ten?”

“You sure act like it.” Gordon said. 

Before Gordon’s accident, this would be when Alan would tackle him. They would fight for a little bit, probably dissolve into a fit of giggles, and everything would be fine. But Alan didn’t tackle him and Gordon simply walked passed him, the conversation over. 

He hesitated by the doorway. Turned slowly back towards Alan, careful not to twist his back.

Alan hadn’t move from his spot but he was glaring towards the kitchen and not towards Gordon, tears glistening in his eyes. Alan was furious with him but he didn’t say anything. Didn’t hit him, didn’t insult him. All Alan could do was ignore him and Gordon felt a deeper kind of hurt sink into him.

“What movie?” Gordon asked.

Alan twisted further away, a single fat tear rolling down his cheek.

“Allie,” Gordon said. “What movie do you want to watch?”

In an instant Alan was off, his body buzzing with energy. He threw himself onto the couch but then sat back up, shuffling so that there was room for Gordon to sit next to him.

Gordon hesitated. He took measured steps towards Scott’s chair, lowering himself down carefully.

Alan ducked his head, suddenly feeling very small on the couch all by himself. 

It wasn’t long before the others came, Scott returning from his meeting at last and John coming downstairs for the first time all day. When Scott spotted Gordon in his usual spot, the eldest Tracey didn’t mention it. Scott simply sat next to Alan, knowing that Alan would eventually sprawl out over the whole couch itself, not a single mention of the ruined status quo. It was the five of them altogether in one room and yet it still felt as though something was missing. 

There were no fights in picking the movie, nor were there hushed whispers to shut up or elbows in the ribs during the important parts. It was a movie night in name and activity only but it lacked any of the real soul that usually made these nights so special. 

Gordon didn’t move from his spot in Scott’s seat, nor did he offer any of his usual running commentary. He simply stared up at the screen. In fact, when the credits began to roll and the boys started stretching out their sore muscles and contemplating leaving for bed, Gordon still hadn’t moved.

“Hey Gordie,” Virgil said. ���I’m gonna put on the last thing of popcorn we have, do you want anything?”

When Virgil was met with silence, he glanced at Scott.

“Gordon,” Scott said. “I need to go over the service logs for Thunderbird 4. I know that Brains usually does it but since he’s in Brazil at the moment, I was hoping you could help me.”

Again, Gordon didn’t respond. No reply, no movement, only staring forwards. 

The credits had ended and John had switched off the TV so Gordon was now just looking at nothing. John hesitated by the steps, no doubt noticing the strange silence of what was usually one of if not the loudest Tracey. 

It was Alan’s turn to try to get Gordon’s attention and not one for subtlety, he came over and nudged Gordon’s shoulder.

Gordon screamed.

Pandemonium erupted. Alan stumbled back, sprouting apologies that Gordon didn’t seem to here, Scott and Virgil surging to be by Gordon’s side while John rushed to get to the bottle of pain meds that had been left on the counter for emergencies. 

Gordon’s entire body was shuddering, tears streaming down his face as he held back another cry. He had had flare ups before, too many to count, but this had seemed so sudden that it sent chills down Scott’s spine. Maybe something was wrong.

“I hate this!” Gordon sobbed, balling his fists.

“It’s okay, Gordie, John’s getting the-“

“No!” Gordon’s voice shook. “I hate this. I just want to hug my damn brother but I can’t, it hurts just thinking about it!”

Alan was still several steps away, tears running down his own face. It was because of Gordon that Alan was upset and if anything that knowledge tore at him even more.

“Gordon,” Scott mumbled. “I… I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say.” Gordon brought his fists up to his face, scrubbing at his tears. “I’m so fucked up I can’t even stand to be near anyone. You must all hate me.”

“We could never hate you.” Virgil assured gently. “What you went though with the accident… It’s going to take time to heal.”

John was hovering behind Virgil now, holding the medication for Gordon’s pain. From what little he had heard though he couldn’t help to wonder if Gordon was even in physical pain or if he was just mentally exhausted from the last several months. He came forward and offered the medication all the same.

Ignoring the medication, Gordon’s attention had instead latched onto Alan, the youngest Tracey brother stepping even further away.

“Alan, I’m sorry.” Gordon said. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything’s my fault.”

“It’s fine.” Alan said quietly. “You scared me, is all. I… I need some air.”

“Alan, wai-“

Alan had already disappeared. Gordon stood to follow him but just as quickly he was on the chair again, his entire body shuddering as pain surged through him. He took several long moments just to breathe evenly again, distantly realising that a hand was on his shoulder.

“Get off.” Gordon whispered, voice strained.

Virgil backed away instantly, apologising. 

Gordon sagged, his eyes fluttering. 

“Gordie?” Virgil prompted.

“I’m okay.” He whispered. “Just… Please don’t touch me.”

“Gordon,” Scott said. “You should take the medication.”

“It’s not pain.” Gordon claimed.

“Not that I don’t believe you little brother,” Virgil said. “But you’re still shaking. The meds will help.”

“I need to talk to Alan.” Gordon said. “I need to apologise.”

Gordon’s older siblings exchanged looks. By rights one of them should have followed Alan but they had been so worried about Gordon that no one had gone with him. 

“Medication first.” Scott said. “I don’t want you passing out from shock.”

It was another half hour before Gordon’s siblings at last let him stand and another few minutes after that until they stopped fretting over him. Scott, Virgil and John each kept their distance from Gordon but he could feel their need to come closer to him and he tried his best to shut down his worry that they would.

He asked that they give him some time to talk to Alan alone and they obliged. 

Alan’s feet were dangling into the pool, his shoes thrown off to the side. His tears had long since dried but they had left streaks down his face that glowed in the moon light. It was strange to see him here, Alan usually stormed off to his bedroom when he was upset not the pool but Gordon didn’t really want to question why he was here. What was stranger still was the fact that Gordon himself hadn’t come to the poolside since returning to the island, not having felt comfortable with swimming just yet.

Gordon carefully sat down beside him, far enough away so that they couldn’t accidentally touch. He took a steadying breath and shuffled a little closer.

“Alan.”

Alan glared into the water.

“Alan. Please. Can we just talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Alan snapped, blinking quickly.

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“You screamed.”

Gordon took a shaking breath, willing his hands to still. He felt stupid, shaking at just the memory of Alan having nudged his shoulder. 

“Yes.” Gordon said.

“I barely touched you and you screamed.”

“Yes.”

“I hurt you.”

“No.” Gordon said firmly.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Okay, fine.” Gordon said. “It did hurt. But not the way you would think.”

Alan still wouldn’t look at Gordon but at least it seemed that he was listening. Gordon took another moment to settle his pounding heart, knowing it was best to get this off his chest for both their sakes.

“I felt everything that day. Every piece of metal. Every broken bone. I swear I could even feel my own life draining away with the blood.”

Alan was stiff but he didn’t ask Gordon to stop so he continued. 

“I was terrified. I could feel myself dying but I could do nothing to stop it. But do you know what kept me alive?”

“Doctors.”

“You.”

Alan looked at him now, his eyes wide.

“I’m alive because of you, Alan.”

“I don’t understand.” Alan whispered.

“I couldn’t just leave my little brother before he graduated high school, could I? I fought through the pain, I stayed awake thinking about you. Imagining what it felt like to hug you, remembering just how annoying you can be. Remembering just how much I love you.”

“But you can’t even look at me any more.” Alan accused.

There was no anger to his words, only misery. Alan had been scared of losing Gordon but he had been devastated to see the distance that had grown between them, distance Alan couldn’t cross without making his brother scream.

Gordon felt that self imposed distance now and he ached to just reach out and bridge it. He hands stayed by his sides. 

“It’s called phantom pain.” Gordon said. “My meds help with the actual pain caused by my injuries but just the memory of what it felt like to be touched in the hospital makes it feel like I’m back there where I could feel nothing but the unending pain.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Gordon said. “I never wanted you guys to know just how bad it is but I guess I fucked that up too. I’m going to start seeing someone about it.”

“What? What’s a shrink gonna do about pain that isn’t there?”

“A therapist.” Gordon corrected. “There some that specialise in traumatic injuries and even some that focus on phantom pain. I was given a referral months ago but I never could bring myself to go. Toxic masculinity and all that.”

“What’s going to make you go now?”

“You.” Gordon shrugged. The movement seemed so natural, not at all marred by pain. “In the same way that you saved me back then, you’re saving me now. I thought I could tough it out alone, thought maybe if I just didn’t touch anyone then I’ll be fine. But I miss hugging you. I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

Gordon reached out a hand. He stilted, a flash of pain running through his body like lighting. He took a deep breath, letting the hand rest on Alan’s shoulder anyway. He knew that his arm was shuddering and he knew that Alan felt it too. But, more importantly, Gordon knew that Alan was feeling that same declaration of love that Gordon was.

This was so progress, a hand on a shoulder, but it felt like a step in the right direction all the same and Gordon felt Alan shift, his chin leaning onto Gordon’s hand.

“I love you.” Alan whispered, new tears mixing with the old.

“I love you too Allie.” Gordon said. “But I’m picking the movie tomorrow night. That thing was god awful.”

[slowlyshytheorist]

Rant time, babes

Once upon a time there were two international umbrella organisations working side by side. Both organisations have similar aims and purposes and they even share some member organisations. Sometimes the two organisations would come together and do a course in unison. This story is about one such course. 

A little background info. In both of these organisations there is a person we would call activity coordinator. This is the person in charge of all the activities happening within the organisation. They are not necessarily at all the activities, they just make sure everything works out (funding, planning, execution, followup, etc) and they are the primary contact person to each of the organisation when relating to events. For this event they were both present. There was a course director from the host organisation and the activity coordinator from both umbrellas. That would mean the two would have an equal level of responsibility right? Right?! WRONG!!! 

Now it’s important to note that I am super biased because I am one of the two activity coordinators, but if you are reading all of this, I’ll let you judge for yourself if I am right to be pissed. 

Second thing that is important to note is that my role in this was sorta double because I am not just representing the umbrella, but also the host organisation. I want it noted that I don’t expect the other activity coordinator to be able to do all of the things I could, BUT... well you’ll see

Also something that might be relevant to interject. One of the reasons the other organisations wanted to join forces with my organisations this year (we’ve done it a few times before with some success but not every year) is that the past three years, the three years that they have had this activity coordinator, it has gone really bad for them. So bad that they have had to pay back funding to European Youth Foundation (which provides funding for organisations like ours), and so bad that they will no longer work with them. 

Now onto the story. We really should have known already in the planning but we ignored the signs. All of the planning team members from the other umbrella organisation... left something to be desired. Their contributions to the planning were either lacking or deeply flawed, but we ignored it, giving them every chance to fix it. Skip to the actual course, they spent most of their time sitting in couches on their phones. They did not participate, they did not engage with participants (except for the ones from their own member organisation (not even the umbrella organisation)), they did not help the rest of the planning team, not even when emergencies occurred. 

Already on day 2 we ran into an emergency. A participant got hurt. Now the entire planning team went into solution mode. Two of us were the decision makers, looking after the participant and telling the others what to do, the rest did what they were told. With a few exceptions.  The participant that got hurt was not from my umbrella organisation. Obviously that didn’t matter to me, someone was hurt and I took action. He got picked up by an ambulance and a couple of us went with (to look after him and to bring him back if needed afterwards.). Where was his activity coordinator? She’d gone to bed. AFTER the emergency had occurred. Idk what went through her head, maybe she simply didn’t care, but I was baffled when I heard this. 

As the week went on, it did not get better. The participant went back and forth to the hospital a few times and to my knowledge, she never spoke a word to him. I was the one in contact with his parents and his organisation. Which is fair in my role as host and as one of the people in charge of making sure he’s okay. But I’m pretty sure I would have cared if it had been one of my participants. Even if I wasn’t host. 

Still, this issue aside, they did not participate. I pulled a couple of them aside at one point and addressed it, and tbf they did better after that. Not the activity coordinator though. On the last day at our primary venue we suddenly had to be out of the building rather quickly, for reasons that are not important. And every planning team member were working hard to get everyone out and the place cleaned. Except 2. One of them walked around seeming to help, but when I gave him something to do and later saw someone else do it... well it became clear that he was just pretending. The other was the activity coordinator.... not only did she get up late, she just went and had breakfast instead of helping (something the rest of us had not had a chance to do yet). At some point the course facilitator just started giving her tasks to do because clearly she wasn’t gonna volunteer to help. He gave her the simplest of tasks and she still managed to mess it up. And then refused to acknowledge that she had done it wrong. It blew up and we started fighting in the group chat because frankly I was done. It was the last day and she already hates me so fuck it.  Finally, the course facilitator just went something along the lines of “I don’t care what happened, just fix your mess”. And she stopped responding. One of her minions started defending her, and in the end the mess was fixed (no thanks to her). 

For this entire course there were about 4 or 5 of us that ran as fast as we could because we had to pick up the slack from everyone else and we were wiped out. I had several anxiety attacks the last few days and we were all running on far too little sleep. And meanwhile this bitch just chilled out, having a vacation basically. Next year when they have this course again it will not be in cooperation with my umbrella organisation which means she will be the one in charge of the course. All of it. I feel so bad for everyone involved in this. It’s gonna crash and burn so hard.