#like sure but you dont have to be a fucking raging bitch cause someone doesn't look how you want them to look

[bloodanddiscoballs]

.

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[myheartbeatskids]

Tolerance

Popeye: Sabrina do i have to have no hate towards Jeremiah?

Me: you don't have to have any feelings towards him

Popeye: is that how you handle it?

Me: that's what i do. I dont feel anything until they piss me off. Some times they happen to please me but i have to remind them i don't like them so its just a momentary

Chris mcgha: like a mirage?

Me: except its real... Like how you can see the heat waves bending in the light on a hot and humid day.. That's as scientifically close as you can get to a mirage... The rest is heat exhaustion and imagination or delusions. So no.

Abu laughs: stupid fuck

Me: their delusions seem to be permanent. And my tolerance of them is real.

Matt: so what Popeye is saying or asking is do you hate Jeremiah 24/7?

Me: no because i dont see him 24/7 and its unhealthy to be so angry and not have an outlet to rage at... So no. I'm not pleased with him the rest of the time

Matt: so she just puts it into neutral until he lays his stupid body in the road and she decides to step on the brake or run him over but all the time shes ready to pop it in drive and burn out on his flesh anytime he pisses her off.

Me: exactly. Like being in a crowded room if hes way the fuck over there Not making me notice hes acknowledging i exist or being loud or trying to get attention from me then fine. But if he's 5 feet from me or being loud about something that I'm not interested in or all about my panties then im gonna kick his ass.

MarjorMarie: like with Declan when he was saying he was worried you would throw him under the bus... Or someone would and it just happened to be you but that was funny!! "I like people like Declan -- The No-Man"

Me: well he didn't seem to be trying to impress any one and i know that he actually does care about Declan and Declan's safety.

MajorMarie: I wouldn't say caaaaare..

Me: more yours than mine

Jeremiah: hey! I care a bunch about you both

Me: not my mental safety.

MajorMarie: or emotional! That's all I'm saying!

Jeremiah sighs: why do you call me Abraham Lincoln?

Me: you look like him

Jeremiah: i do not!

Me: see? That's your attention seeking. Get in an argument for No reason other than hiding flattery then when i actually want to kill you or have nothing to do with you because you annoy the life out of me

Jeremiah: i do not

Me: im absolutely stupid and Don't know my own emotions. You explained just now. Then you want to cuddle and have make up stupid sex.

Jeremiah: sooo does it work?

Me: if i like cuddling with a corpse. Do you get it?

Jeremiah: well im not sorrrrry

Matt: you can go now Jeremiah

Me: yeah you can. Im already done.

Matt: that's how I get. If I can't count to 10 and she doesn't blink then There's a problem and someone is gonna die. I can blink just fine but her... Uhh no... And her face feels like stone. I tell you, she's medusa. That's how i know shes in neutral. But!! When she's about to pop it in park and start ass beating with no weapons, that's when I know

Me: i don't turn on the turn signals... There's no blinkers, im on the brake but i regret it. And so I'm gonna share that regret.

Chris mcgha: and you're gonna hold up traffic

Me: well... Probably shouldn't get behind me.

Popeye: i think i get it. So she stays mad but its dormant like a volcano, like when she used to know me, when we all lived together.

Me: yup, and the release is fantastic, see Jeremiah, that's why i dont need sex with you, being a volcano feels fantastic

Popeye laughs: thats what i used to tell him!!! Like 1991!! Man, that's old! So you're really not mad tho?

Me: see you tolerate him as your adopted child. I don't tolerate him as a human or anything. Except there's nothing i know i csn do so i have to tolerate his existence, except when hes in my personal space.

Alan: so how you do Your moms.

Me: yeah there really is no difference. Okay so take Julia. Cause like Jeremiah she can be awesome

Popeye: ok!

Me: so when shes good then im fine. But I still am not all chummy with her I was... But now she pissed me off and reminded me of some really horrendous shit she did to me and still does. So i tolerate her now

Popeye: what is the difference?

Me: when i think about her i lock my jaw.. Whixh Matt calls medusa. Like teeth grinding which i don't do because i got jaw problems...so i actually put my tounge on the roof of my mouth but other people grind their teeth.

Matt: and she glares

Me: when i focus on her... But then i remember other people are around so then i can ignore her that's why i like noise... So its like a busy house or small house party. Like Christmas dinner. So usually its the TV on the tablet which is Right next to me so envision a house party and different conversation or just a loud dinner even so i would turn to the closest person to me to have a conversation. The TV. So if they're annoying me past my focus on the TV hen I have to stop and kill them.... Now some times people come out of the TV but they should enhance and not subtract from the TV. Cause I can follow along but sometimes I miss something So different programs will add different things. So like NHRA if someone further explains themselves like makes louder what they said... But like other programs I judge peoples personalities. And other programs try to help with my amnesia So they try to clarify what they are saying Like "no hes not the bad guy .... Or no the story isn't the way it seems but the beginning is but the ending is made up" and some stay in the TV. Some are a mix. Mostly only the NHRA makes me want to kill them. Because I don't get information. I don't learn who a person is beyond a screen... I don't get shit but static or crap like what's she doing?? I'm watching the Goddam tv are you fucking kidding me??! Im like im fucking naked and masturbating while tying my shoes shut the fucking door!! And no don't ask why there's a pair of seeing glasses in the peanut butter jar! Go! And by then half the dam program is over and i have to decide to rewind or decide ots a dam waste of,time to,even try to,watch the NHRA And usually it's the latter. Oh thebest of the worst is people screaming "what are you doing to me?!?!" Like really? Are you fucking kidding. Im in my bed trying to watch you on TV. Never fucking mind moron but then is it fair to turn it off halfway cause some psycho thinks I'm their mechanic?

Matt: don't watch the TV

Me: and so Popeye. I know Its difficult But with my mom Julia im fine until i see her little slip.. Im sure you know Jeremiah's little twerks... With her I'm all don't even start your shit, and im not affectionate towards her. I'm all 5 feet over there and Don't be all i love you and shit because I dont think you understand the whole concept. Like i know she does but at the same time all that trust i had in her is gone. Its broke. Its a big sand storm blown all over kingdom come. I dont have it. So it's all medusa. I hear her. I hear her good parts. But i don't allow them to affect me. Its just like slime flying and hitting a marble slab wall. It just slides down. Im still 5 feet over there and dont tell me you love me. Don't have emotions in your voice dont expect me to respond,to you. I don't blink because I don't want to miss anything important. Behind this thick thick marble stone is a very soft and fragile heart. And one day maybe she can see it again but not today. And i dont have to tell her. She just needs to understand it (the wall, my hate, my tolerance, me, herself) and when she doesn't then i tell God to take his little bitch and do something with it. Cause I ain't gonna raise her. I raised myself. And her other son. And i did a dam good job. And i had help from God. So God can take his little bitch and fix her up.

Popeye: yeah that does help!

Me: so you did do a lot of work on Jeremiah but

Popeye: oh! The serenity prayer! Thank you! Now i got it!

Me: exactly! Good job Popeye!

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Y'all getting tortured too..I lost it. I couldn't handle it

I got germ x on a cotton round and started washing my face.

I got more body parts to literally scrub

After my grandpa died of cancer -- well. Denise killed him but they said it was the cancer...

I took a shower and scrubbed my body every day. I got a new toothbrush weekly.

I used a scouring pad from the kitchen and I didn't ever turn the cold water knob but just a tiny stream.

The water was all the way on full blast hot.

I scoured my skin off.

My Uncle Dad took me to the hospital when he finally came home from the ship. It finally docked.

Doctor asked had I burned myself. "No I just took shower and it just didn't feel clean.. It never feels clean"

"How hot is the shower?"

"Oh will the way hot. I turn the cold on slightly about midway to do the final rinse"

"How long do you shower for and how many times do you perform a "rinse"?"

"Well the shower stays on... I'd say 3 - 4 times when it's all the way hot then at least twice, so about 6.. Sometimes 10.. 12... 45 one day"

I heard my uncle dad sob from the corner. I looked st him perplexed. Cause I was doing right. I was keeping the germs off me.

"I just gotta stay clean dad" as he raised his head he sucked in air through his nose. And i saw a man in misery and guilt

"I'm so sorry sorry i thought you could handle the cancer. I thought you'd be okay and i just had ti fo to work but she...."

"I can handle the cancer dad. I just gotta stay clean and keep the germs off of me"

"What kind of products do you use. SOS pads... Denise doesn't buy a lot of Shampoo so i try to keep,that for my hair... So I'll use dish soap or sometimes even laundry. Bleach is good but she doesn't buy that one slot either. I don't like the amoniea. The smell bothers me but I had to use it 3 or 4 times because I didn't have anything else but that was when i found the SOS pads under the sink. Lo and behold they have soap in them already. So, i quiet using extra except when i wash my face with them. Soften the skin up a little bit more than so I don't get wrinkles"

I looked dead into his eyes and told something I didn't tell any other adult about what i did. I told my friends... But not in a way that it was me. "You know someone i heard of was...." Not I did this. But someone did.

My dad according to my DNA4U although there's,a story about that...

He was in the corner crying the whole time I was talking. "No she needs help. I need help for her."

The doctor said they had received a phone call he thought it was from the FBI. But he looked at his notepad and said "Nope the CIA."

"I just have to keep the germs off me tell them that. They need to, too"

"I'm calling them Billy don't you worry"

"Yeah" he said into the phone "i got a situation here. I'm gonna need you to come in and take her. ... Mental ward"

Son of a bitch. I attacked him. I wasn't crazy. I needed to be germ free.

I grabbed the phone "WHAT I NEED IS TO BE CLEAN AND YOU DO TOO GODDAM THE WHOLE WORLD"

And i beat that poor doctor in the head and back wirh that phone until it fell apart and nothing was left.

"And that's how I kill germs" I told his dead body.

Mental institution?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? THE GERM INFESTATIONS I WOULD DIE IMMEDIATELY JUST BREATHING THE AIR!!! NO WAY IN HELL!!! GOD FUCKING NO!!!

My dad just sat there as i beat the doctor to death m his eyes and jaw open as wide as can be.

"You understand right? I'm not here to hurt you but This place it's so dirty but i came here with you. Because i trust you to keep me safe. But he wouldn't. Not. The dirtiest place in the world he would send me to and i just can't have that. I'll push the panic button to get you some help that you need"

It was right by the door. So these big ass mother fucking dudes came me in started grabbing me to hold me down and strap me to the bed. Big mother fuckers HUGE. Body builders and shit. "ARE YOU GERM FREE!! DONT GET A HOLD OF ME!! LET ME GO. GODDAMINIT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I killed all 3. "Now i gotta wash my hands and arms. They fucking touched my face and every thing. Stuck thier fingers in my mouth and all. I need to,start with bleach. Can you get me some?"

My dad was in shock.

"Maybe later. I'll ask you again when your nervous system calms down" I washed my face and elbows.

It was 1992 Christmas was a few weeks away. My lie age I was 12. My real age I was only 8.

Finally the CIA came in "are you here to help or force me to wash my hands again?"

He put his arms up as he walked by me and sat next to my dad "well i know Gaberiel and Calvin can help. Gaberial goes to school with her and he said she looks alright but seems to be in a trance like state most of the time. But they will know what to do. Do not worry. Sabrina you cannot keep killing doctors like that"

"I'm not going!! The backwoods motel where they put the strange and i tell you none of them know how to,wash their hands!!"

"You look like a witch!!"

"At least im a clean one fuck y'all shit"

This whole team of huge CIA dudes... They all washed their hands no less than 3 minutes up their elbows for an additional two while I watched.

This big one said "she's not alright you know that. I never washed my hands this much in my life"

I warned him i would kill him if he didn't get off the team "oh no it's refreshing I don't have a problem. My face too here i come"

When he lifted his face he saw mine. "There's nothing wrong with me sir. This world is unclean"

"That's that transelike state. Her voice gets hollow and the carries. Did she kill the others like that Bill?"

"No I didn't. He made me upset while i waited for th3 help I supposed to be needing. Like no one knows,l they can poison me any second"

I knew but i didn't know Denise injected medicine into my grandpa's vein.

I COULDN'T handle this guy at the sink. He wanted to teach me like he could do it better. Like i had something wrong with me. And he didnt like it"

"Out. Just get the fuck out of here. I'll give you a chance to live."

I ended up killing the whole line of people but this one little yellow Asian man.

He was surrounded by dead bodies. 5. They took the 3 guard nurses and the doctor out already.

"Do i wash my hands now? Is it my turn?"

"SIR!!" i said pissed off. I looked around me. My poor dad "well what do you think about your surroundings?"

"You look good. Able to kill real easily. Looks like I need some more training. But I'm just here to wash my hands as i was told to"

He told me the times he needed to wash.

"Well no one else is in line so I suppose that yes it's your turn now"

I laid down on the little check up table bed and fell to sleep. I was exhausted. Killed 9 people. Because they were aliens. And i would let someone live. 3 people in total. Out of 12..

It could be a good day after all, as long as i didn't go to Baywood Inn Acres.. I'd been there before. I escaped and let all the mental patients out. Well maybe if i went I could do that again I thought as I drifted off to sleep. I could still do it. I'd killed 9 today in just seconds.. I could let the rest escape.

Snoop put me on time restrictions. I bit him. I kicked him. I punched him in the stomach. He would walk in with a shield from SWAT to tell me to stop washing at the sink.

It was all scuffed up and I had to clean it. Germs get in them scratches and cracks...

Before he knew it it was all soaped up and If he exposed, his face he would get soaped too. Bar of soap.

Oh boy he was pissed off at me. "You need to kill the right people!!" Him and Alex Laughlin both said

"Then let me use the soap for as long as I want to"

I was a horrror show star. Like a doll. Like poltergeist. There's that doll that turns it's head all creepy. My eyes be glassy I walked around like I was dead.

I was. I was so dead inside. I KNEW my grandpa would die for no fucking reason. I knew and there wss nothing I could do to save that Old man!!!!

And i KNEW i was going get cancer, too!!!

Just wash it all off. Wash it down the drain.,that is I what i would say.

This video to some. But I used to do that.

2 years later I did get cancer in my throat just like I knew I would. I wrote about it.

So I handle death a lot better. Losing one. Germs.

If I know a person doesn't wash their hands and their hands are warm. I freak the fuck out.

"Don't fucking touch me" and I get filled with violent rage.

Some people think it's cool to make fun of me. A violent assassin. To this date with my bare hands no magic included in the last 35 years I've killed 22,489,601,427 people.

So y'all need to learn to wash your mother fucking hands. 35 seconds i recommend.

CDC says it's good in 20... Don't underestimate the power of germs. Scrub faster and go for long term use of that soap you just squirted on you. Go up to the elbows!

Eventually I got okay. To be okay I had to kill people. 862 thousand.

All aliens in stolen bodies. Then i was okay again.

But until then i would sleep walk to the sink wash,me up then hit the streets in a trance.

So they got a kid to live with me... Anton. From Queer Eye... Him...

"No what are you gonna do? He's got germs on him and he's our only kid!" Alex would bark at me.

"Then you kill him" i would tell him. He never did.

So i posted a video earlier. Poor child. "Wash your hands" "wash your hands!" In the video I shared that he shared. Poor child, "Now you gotta wash both hands although only one is dirty. The other might get jealous. Up to your elbows if you want to but definitely up to your wrists"

He played in the dirt a lot. If he didn't Snoop would pour it on him. "Now what are you gonna do?!?"

I smelled him make sure the cat didn't piss on it

Man Snoop did a hard fight. "Its fucking dirt snoop shut the fuck up!!:

I let that boy teach me about dirt. Is it clean? Does it feel fresh? Or smell bad?"

I let him choose whether to wash or not.

Somethings he HAD to wash after touching "raw meat" we had a list of things that could harm us if it was left on our hands.

I had to wash after uncooked hot dogs. Had to. Kid goddam creeped me out because he didn't

I'd just look at him like he was a leeper to give me leprosy from an uncooked hot dog.

"CHILL OUT!!!"

"Uh anuh he touched a raw hot dog and he didn't wash. Uncooked meat!! Its on there check the goddam list in a hurry" he was like a monster under my bed.

"It says raw meats baby."

"Uncooked is raw"

That little boy. Sweet precious angel he is. He said "i didn't agree because i wanted to go out side and play but now I see i take the hot dog containments into the dirt if I don't wash. So i would like to wash please"

I earned a kiss from Alex who was going by Gaberiel. At the time.

It shocked me with surprise. I did something right for the first time in weeks i wasn't yelled at by an adult. I put my head down on the arm of the chair and wept and wailed and cried.

I spent so much time fighting with who was supposed to be my friends. That it made me calm and feel normal. Ever since that day my grandpa died. I had so much built in my chest like a wall. Filled my body so.

Snoop finally understood under all that muscle mass and need to assassinate... I was still there.

"Lets go get some ice cream it's on the list for,being,human and you get sprinkles for crying."

"Lets go ma then I wanna play in the dirt.

I wasn't sure i could leave the house. I felt really wobbly... To go outside and not kill... It was dangerous. I tried to go back in like 14 times. But Alex kept stopping me. Or snoop or the baby Antony.

"Took us 15 minutes to go get us a dam treat,jist from the door to the car. When we go killing shes flying down the steps and first one to the car. Ain't no one gonna know what's wrong with her! Ain't no one!"

"I do! You just need to wash your hands! Wash Your hands!!" I had a sweet little boy next to me... I looked out the window of that white Cadillac and I sure did hope i could figure out how to,keep the world safe. They played and teased and made,him laugh.,all every one,in the car laughing with joy.

I just wanted to open the car door, jump out and die.

Later I finally told. Some movie reminded me of my grandpa... The only one I ever had. The one that allowed me to kill Denise. A prison guard.

"He died from something out side of him. Not inside out side. I can't handle it. It went down his arm.. Pink. It was something pink"

Snoop on his knees. "What was it poision?"

"Watch. Into here down this way to his pinkie then back up and then down around his heart and through his legs and up the other side and to his brain then he could smell the medicine cold cough syrup. And she kept doing it until the full bottle was,in,his body. It didn't work tho. The next day and the next. 3 more,days than,that. Then he was,dead. 2 bottles each day. Of cold medicine to kill tiny germs"

Alex's face,was,in terrified horror. Snoop still as a statue.

"Where do they live at?" Asked snoop.

"Texas. Redway lane"

"That is where you live at".

"That is what i am telling you. And i was in Texas and i didn't go to Arizona"

Snoop began to throw up in his hand and,ran,from the room.

Alex and Anthony looked at me all "why did you have to tell the truth?!"

"I'm trying to watch the movie here!!" Said Anthony "and tomorrow I wanna play in dirt"

"That's ok baby That's what you can do with Uncle Snoop. We'll be quiet now so you can watch the movie."

If you don't get germs on you. You don't get sick. Then you don't get murdered.

Stay Clean.

Corona. I'm telling you. It ain't no different.

Except I was told something worse than eating Vicks Vapo Rub would happen to me from Denise.

I had to kill 981,602,375 people like Denise until I felt satisfied the world was safer.

Until I could breathe again.

I felt my grandpa die. I was with him. I felt his whole body. When his left lung collapsed...

And he was begging "no Denise don't do it. It won't make me better. No Denise I don't want none. Dont put it in my IV. I don't have no cough or cold. I have cancer and I'm going to beat it"

And that Old man died. And I tried so hard. To keep his body alive. Just stay with him.

And his body was so riddled with cancer. He couldn't take being filled with the thick cough syrup.

After a million kills. Grandpa said I could stop the world would get better then. "If I do two more grandpa then it would get allot better"

We killed 6 million predators. By hand. We picked them from prisons.

Death Row and life sentences. They could die early if they wanted. They understood they would die. They signed contracts. And we filled them in gas chambers. And filled the air with a non toxic cough syrup smelling gas that made them relax. Laughing gas. Then we used rat poision gas. Until they died. We had some other gases too. I didnt care.

We did right by our promise and they choked end coughed choked on a white foam frothing from,their mouths. And,died.. And we watched them through a little window with gas masks on our faces.

"You know you could used a little more nitrous" would say Alex

"Only half choke to death. Most of them lay down peacefully to die."

Oddly white men were more often to fight Than the black man.

"Either the black men are innocent or they know,what to do in a poison situation"

One man. Black. Should been,dead. But he was crawling around checking on,the others. In pain he was.

I ran,from the control booth. Dodging people trying to stop me. I swung open the door against policy. Grabbed him up under his shoulders "why did you sign the paper if you didn't have any thing to do with the crime?$?!" I yelled through my gas mask

"All these are all dead i want to,know why I'm not!!: he was crying he was scared. "I didn't sign the paper because i wanted the hell out. I knew if i died I would go to Heaven!: he was sobbing. In a gas chamber. Filled with poison.

Alex held up a gas mask in,the Window I pointed my head towards my direction.

And I held the black man while he was on his knees in a room full of gas. Alex put the gas mask to protect from,gas on his face.

"Lets go you got to get out. You only have half a,mask"

"I can't"

"You got to,get out now"

He chose his fate. No one else. He would tell me when he was ready to live and i would hold him on his knees until he did. I just stared into Alex's eyes. While he said over and over "you got to, get out" like in case i forgot.

"I wanna get out! Can you help me??" I reached down and grabbed him by his waist. Hoisted him up to my hip and carried him out like a toddler. A nice grown man.

This poor man was a mess.

No one mentioned i was covered in cyanide. For 3 hours until when my skin began to itch "you need,to shower"

"When you finally get covered in killer germs you don't care Because you found someone more important, more desperate. Someone more in a bad situation.,then you don't even notice"

"You trained me not to. Could I at least get an SOS pads for my bath?"

Every one wore a gas mask around me. Even the kid. For three days Anthony did.

"Snoop said you can't go in his car covered in,gas,like,that so we got a rental car"

"You gonna drive in that gas mask?"

"Yeah. Sounds fun. We have to roll down the Windows for you to breathe. I know downtown LA but... And also we got you w hotel. You are covered in cyanide!! No on wants you home. But i do"

I think... It was the first time in my life any one ever gave me a bath while wearing a gas mask.

We had to,change,3 hotel rooms. So i wouldn't pollute the place up.

"See? You yelled at me and you're all jist as bad,and,won't even let,me,see my kid"

"Yeah well you trained us to be extra careful. More cautious than sorry"

Gaberiel. Alex Laughlin slept in bed next to me. In a gas,mask.

Sometimes I couldn't sleep. Thinkin about that man and my grandpa.

And I'd look down at the man next,to me. Pased out. Looking like an innocent kid himself.

I adored him. I felt so much love that a person would be in,danger for me. I shook his gas,mask gently

"What you woke me up what do you want? It was on purpose, too"

"Do you think that man knowed i cared? That I might love someone other than myself?"

"We treat you as though you are selfish because you sre using self harm and you don't understand it. No one is supposed to gargle with bleach? What If you swallowed it?"

"It burns my nostrils any way"

"That's not the point but baby doll. You could kill yourself and we wouldn't have you no more. That is,the point.,that is why we called you selfish. Your addiction to cleanliness could,kill you snd no one,wants that to happen. But look what you do. Go,in a gas,chamber FULL of gas with only a half mask on. You're lucky you don't go blind. But look st it this way. We pushed too hard and in the wrong way and you did drink bleach on purpose in desperation to be clean. It was undiluted, too. I know. I watched you. And you Didjt say anything. Just smiled and said "i feel" i wanted to,slap you then for not listening. But when you pushed me back so you could leave,tje room through the door i was blocking. You didnt act like nothing happened. You felt like nothing happened. And I realized we were doing something wrong then two,weeks later you tell us why it was so,important to be kept clean and germs off of you. And i wanted to die for the way snoop and I had been mistreating you. And that is why I started the gas chambers of criminals to honor Yoir grandpa for working at the prison to keep,them in line. End,it for your grandpa and avenge his death with revenge. It would be what healed you both. And next time call the police when someone is being poisoned."

"She did it when i,was asleep. I would fall asleep all kinds of times of days to be with him. I promised when i was a young kid that i wouldn't let him die alone. Not by her. And when i woke up I was too groggy to remember what was going on. I thought it was a dream a bad one i hoped it wasn't real but it was and i can't get over this feeling this fear.. That had me at constant companion"

"What does that mean my love?"

"Evil. My grandpa said"

So y'all in,this world of 2020

Keep,calm.

It is,gonna be okay.

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: E aí? Indie: when are you done? Rio: Just getting into the last painful hour Rio: cleaning tables and putting up chairs so people take the hint as we speak Rio: what you saying babe Indie: can you be here sooner Indie: cos your hubz is Rio: ??? Rio: are you on crack Rio: who Indie: im being the hostest with the most for him but not that extra Indie: 😂 Indie: Ry's in our yard Rio: what does he want? Indie: 💋💘💍 Indie: you bitch Rio: But actually, why is he there? Indie: reckon's he owes you 💰💰💰 Rio: Right Rio: Tell him he can leave it with you, that's cool Rio: He doesn't need to stay Indie: tried it but he's only gonna put in in your ✋ Indie: got no trust for mine like 😂 Indie: he's all good got him tea & a toke going Rio: Fuck's sake Rio: I'm coming home Rio: give me 5 to sort it Indie: don't be vexed Indie: it's chill Indie: hes down to wait Rio: I'm not at you Rio: It's fine, I'm coming Indie: Safe Indie: hes got a hook up for something sick sounding tonight and he wants to take us Rio: No Rio: It'll be lame, trust Rio: Not happening Indie: he's got no reason to do us dirty, wants to make amends Rio: Regardless Rio: you wanna party with your ex all night? Rio: nah Indie: ex for a reason, yeah? I feel it Indie: dry but ✌ Rio: you've got plenty other parties you can hit Indie: & my own wasteman ex im trying to swerve Indie: me and him gonna hit it without you wifey Indie: gutted Rio: ⛔ Rio: do not Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: he's giving me a ride im not giving him one, relax Rio: Indie, I'm serious Indie: is it? Rio: Yeah Rio: deadass Rio: why would he wanna party with a random kid? not cool he even invited you Indie: rude Indie: cos im me Indie: what's your beef? I get that he owned you when he ditched but like thats ancient Rio: yeah and who are you to him Rio: it's weird Rio: that ain't how it was remotely but yeah, it's ancient so it doesn't even matter Indie: 🤷🤷 Indie: bait but what do i care for his reasons a ride's a ride Indie: just trying to go somewhere hectic i ain't been Rio: i'll take you somewhere myself Rio: you don't need to go anywhere with him Indie: 💖💖👑👑💖💖 Indie: shit man ele está bolado we're out of these plans Indie: some manz can't handle their 🚬 innit Rio: Shit Rio: I'm omw Rio: do you want me to talk to him, see if he'll wait outside Indie: I got this Indie: boy just needs to kotch for a sec Rio: Not his vibe Rio: if he comes around again don't let him in alright Indie: 🚭 should be his vibe Indie: he's a madness 😂 Rio: I been knew Rio: and I been saying Indie: I hear you wifey Indie: my bad Rio: It ain't your fault Rio: s'all good Indie: gotta get your 💰 tho Indie: can't bounce him out Rio: honestly it's not important Rio: only ever has like 10% of what I'm owed if that Indie: I'll switch on him too then Indie: Slam that door before you come through like Indie: 👼 Rio: Don't get him raging Rio: just go to your room, I'll deal Indie: girl please Indie: this is my drum he can get out Rio: i'm ringing him Indie: watch me 📞 Drew if he keeps acting up ✌ Rio: Not mad about it Rio: rather someone was there with you Rio: what a day to take fucking luas in Indie: babe dont get shook this wasteman ain't gonna do no thing to me Rio: better safe than sorry init Indie: I've belled the man, he's on his way too Indie: It's all good, trust Rio: 🙌✌ Rio: Good Indie: so rinsed, boy making everything long and me look 👶 Indie: vexing me Indie: 😒😒😒 Rio: he's a twat Rio: i'm sorry Indie: not on you Indie: i shouldn't have let him in Rio: you didn't know how bad he is Rio: shouldn't be the deal it is Indie: why didnt you clue me in? Indie: handling it all solo i know you're a bad bitch Ri but Indie: whats your girl for? 💖 Rio: Like you said, so old news init Indie: nah cos he coming to our door now Indie: pass the news on if he hung up still Rio: I didn't reckon on his going that hard Rio: woulda put up a do not serve poster otherwise like Indie: 😂 Indie: I'll knock one up while im waiting Indie: need to get ourselves a Taz bitch Rio: Awh Rio: So cute Rio: I'll start looking Rio: gotta remember to feed the thing tho Indie: when i feed me ill feed it Rio: not that often Rio: 😂 Rio: call it munchies Indie: 😍😍 Indie: that'd be sick Indie: we gotta Rio: motivate me to work out more Rio: we'll look forreal Indie: teach it to sniff out where I've left my stash Indie: never lose it down the back of the chair again Rio: 😂 yeah Drew'll be buzzing, own personal drug dog taking him down at the door, like Indie: gimme that fair warning when he rolling in so I can get the lads out Rio: as long as those lads ain't ryan i'm down for the cause 😏 Indie: nah nah nah Indie: dont do 2nds & he ain't that he's like 4ths or some shit Indie: extreme exes are no mood Rio: No one needs that in their life Rio: 🤢 Indie: can we forreal go out tonight though Indie: ill hit up drew for spends when he shows Rio: Sure Rio: at least he's given me time to get properly ready Rio: thanks for that at least, dickhead Indie: you gotta bring that 🔥🔥 baby Indie: make him cry so Drew don't have to Rio: 🙄 bitch always crying Rio: gurl, if I end up looking as bomb as your daddy, the whole world gon' know Indie: 😂😂 Indie: let's get him lifted from the 24, fucking tourist behavior Indie: get in Drew's boot & dont come out boy Rio: ugh Rio: so ideal Indie: [sends pics of outfits] Indie: which you vibing? Indie: gotta make my own former realize he shoulda treated me 110 Rio: Hell yes, baby! Always and as standard, like 👊💗 Rio: Ooh, I fuck with that black top with the cut out and hoop vibes Rio: not seen that before, defs wear that 💣 Indie: haha i taxed it the other day Rio: 🤙 sick choice babe Indie: my garms gotta cos my hair ain't Indie: wtf is up Rio: i gotchu Rio: won't even hit you upside the head with the brush if you backchat me Indie: you could try sis 💪 Rio: easy Rio: enough fighting for one night yeah 😂 Indie: we'll see what drew's gotta say 😂 Rio: Got his uses Rio: imagine my Da like Rio: 😂 Indie: Bake him a nice pie or some kinda ting Indie: merk him with tasty good Rio: Bless him Rio: Right, omw up Indie: come through Indie: you're sweet your ex didn't smoke me all out Rio: owe drew big time Rio: can give you a party but what am i gonna do for him Indie: start him a tab at work he'd be down Rio: Not the worst idea Indie: innit Indie: need a drink when your missus like that Rio: Bless Rio: not seeing it for either of 'em but go off Indie: forreal wtf man Rio: history init Rio: not keeping it where it should be Indie: my ma's history too but he ain't still pinning for her Indie: its a madness Rio: maybe he is, who knows where his head's ever at Rio: might make it work, like i said, don't see it but Indie: 😂 me bitch & nah he ain't never wanted her when he did have her innit Indie: same for this wife of his Rio: Valid Rio: Try someone new, like, God Rio: Life outside the 24, I know, shocker 😏 Indie: Get them drinks down him & see if he can't be convinced like Rio: 😈 Rio: Soz Auntie Rio: Ma swinging for me, like Indie: be doing her a solid Indie: you'll see when he's free with his chat how he always gets after a few Indie: no 😇 that man Rio: Boy, no one made you get back with her! Rio: It's wild Rio: Truly, now she's babied up and wants to be wifed too like 🙄 Rio: Messy Indie: she likes them wild innit Indie: out here vibing with his mess somehow Rio: we all been there, babe Rio: unexpected freak in the sheets ick Rio: 😬🤢 Indie: thats nasty Indie: like we been knew but we didn't wanna Indie: always them peeps on the low Indie: & me cant get a boy to stay linked w me Rio: putting me to shame okay Rio: rude 😂 Rio: oh baby, don't repeat her mistakes Rio: have fun whilst you're young, don't need NO chains 'less they 💎 Indie: 💔💔💔💔 Indie: sick of them copping on me though then they coming through like thats how i want it Indie: casual don't mean you get to cheat on me rudeboy Rio: 😥 forget them Rio: you gon' have fun tonight Rio: ex who like? Indie: watch me doing the most cos i not at your side 24/7 thats how i do casual Indie: tonight will be lit and so will i Indie: no drama Rio: 🙌 that's what i like to hear Rio: believe it Indie: ✌✌✌