#like surely there’s a decent amount of trauma involved in these experiences

[barrencelenny]

only half way through an eight hour flight and I’m bored. do you think barry has a slight phobia of lighting.

[tanadrin]

"fairly suicidal" anon again. This kind of got away from me and ended up significantly longer than intended. Apologies for that, and if it's too long/involved/whatever to read that's genuinely totally fine. (Which is to say: please do not think you have some kind of obligation or I will be Extra Suicidal if you don't respond or whatever. I've got at least a couple more years or one more massive life-wrecking trauma left in me.)

I think your response is pretty typical of people who are, at baseline, pretty happy and optimistic, and I'm sure there are people who haven't heard its like before and would benefit from it, but.... let's be honest that's kind of a generic autocomplete response, and in my experience it tends to come from people who can't or don't really model serious depression well. My model of the perspective you are coming from is something like: It would be terrible for the things I'm saying to be true, and they don't feel true to you, so surely they must not be true for anyone-- you don't want the world to be one where those things are true, and sometimes they are untrue, so, therefore, they're probably untrue basically all the time forever. Unfortunately. I'm aware that 40 years is a decent length of time. I'm aware that my perspective is fallible and limited-- this is the primary reason why I haven't seriously tried to kill myself!. However, looking at how the past 30+ years have gone does not fill me with optimism. In particular the past 15 or so years, where I've technically had the most autonomy, I just kind of... barely existed. I am still trying things to get out of the hole but this really could easily just continue until I die. It is an extremely possible outcome that I spend my entire life wishing it was either worth living or over already, and eventually it reaches "over already." I kept expecting that I'd surely snap out of it eventually, year after year, no one can spend that long in this kind of state, right? And then 15 years passed and I simply did not. It is not unrealistic to believe that that could happen 3 more times.

"Every day you are alive in the world, you have the opportunity to find pleasure" rings really hollow when my physiological capacity to experience pleasure and happiness is extremely minimal and has been tangibly shrinking for as long as I've been a conscious human being. It feels tone-deaf. I know what my baseline looks like. It is not good. If I was guaranteed to die tomorrow, then having lived my life will have unequivocally been worse for me than not having lived it at all, and it will have been objectively a mistake that I didn't pull the plug when I was 12 and first having suicidal thoughts.

If, upon turning 80, I figured out how to have a life that was just barely worth living, and then died a year later, that does not actually undo the years of unhappiness before that, and that is still a life that was, on net, not worth living.

My impression is that people coming from your perspective have brains that just fully shut down when considering this prospect-- that you fall into the trap where you believe that even one second of a-life-worth-living is worth any amount of suffering endured to get to that point. It might help to imagine a person who experiences one single year of a life worth living, followed by 80 years of a life full of incredible misery, and then dies.

The me who exists now matters; the hypothetical-unlikely-certainly-not-guaranteed future version of myself who is marginally glad they exist doesn't just automatically get to trump all of that just because that's sad to think about.

Yes, there is no one life "track" but there certainly are circumstances more or less prone to granting happiness-predicting things like enough money to live on, autonomy, fulfillment, etc. Again, there is no rule saying this current status of being perpetually unable to get my feet under me has to end. I have spent the actual majority of my life like this.

Being unable to get a job that pays enough to live on without also making me want to die (more) does in fact hinge pretty strongly on being able to get that special insanely expensive little piece of paper. It is the cost of entry for the vast majority of non-horrible jobs, that is just what the system looks like in the US. (please do not tell me "oh just learn to code!" If I was capable of doing that I would have done it). The material conditions of my life obviously aren't that bad in objective terms given that I'm capable of using my time to send messages on the internet (if they were much worse I would have pulled the plug years ago) so it feels meaningful that I still manage to be so miserable despite that, and plausible that improving them would not help even if it were possible.

There just... there is actually such a thing as a downward spiral where the baseline becomes worse and incremental improvements become progressively harder and more fleeting, as much as it is sad to think about. Sometimes you accumulate damage and get both farther from your goal and worse at making progress towards it, and it just keeps happening. The brain is a physical object that can, sometimes, Just Get Worse. One instance of trauma can make it harder to recover from the next instance of trauma that comes along, and so on. I am still trying, clearly, and I'm clinging to the idea that lots of weird unexpected stuff can happen, but "just hope for a miracle to happen such that these patterns completely reverse against all odds" is... at minimum that's a huge ask. Please recognize it for what it is.

I'm not really looking for answers or anything here (I wasn't before either tbc, I just thought it was interesting how different my opinion apparently was compared with other extremely depressed people), but I tend to really chafe at what feels like clueless forced positivity from people who Really Don't Seem To Get It, and I hope this information will, idk, provide a potentially novel perspective. Or maybe it won't! Sorry again that it was so long.

i've spent a big chunk of my life dealing with depression. i know it pretty well actually. and if i've won any insight from that, it's that in depression we very often exactly misconstrue the causal axis of our thoughts. we think things like, "i am worthless -> therefore i am depressed." but our feelings shape how we think about ourselves and the world; even things which seem like incontrovertible and inarguably facts turn out to be a product of our rumination: "i was depressed -> therefore i felt worthless."

i know this feels like a platitude. i know when you are depressed saying something like "nobody is worthless" or "it's never too late" feels like somebody blowing rainbows up your ass, some hippy dippy shit that doesn't mean anything. but as someone who has frequently felt worthless, and has frequently felt that they have fucked up their life beyond repair, who has seen other people going through it and come out the other side, i'm telling you: as a matter of both personal experience and accumulated knowledge about the world, "nobody is worthless" and "it is never too late" is not a platitude. it is a rational, reasoned judgement i have been won over to, and which i am totally convinced of. i offer it, not as a panacaea (we cannot reason ourselves or be cajoled out of depression; the thoughts are subsequent to the feelings!), but as (hopefully) the very mildest of analgesics.

i'm not a negative utilitarian. i don't think you can take all the bad and good things that happen to a person, assign them a numerical score, and subtract one from the other to determine whether their life was worth it after all. reading about rare medical abnormalities on wikipedia is itself sufficient to convince one there are certainly short lives full of nothing but pain. and observing people dying of degenerative diseases is enough to why there are points at which people make the rational decision not to continue living. but i also know that there are people who have convinced themselves their life is not worth living, because the pain of allowing themselves to be hopeful again, only to have to deal with crushing disappointment, makes it more reassuring to abandon hope altogether. and i have known people so trapped in the teeth of their suffering, they are unable even to do the one thing that may bring them some relief, until they make the conscious choice to believe that that feeling of despair is not in fact a reliable guide to truth.

we prefer certainty to hope; the sure knowledge we are doomed is often cognitively a lighter load than the uncertain possibility of future happiness. but i think it's worth it to keep hope alive. not because i am a sunny optimist who has never felt miserable, but because i have lost days, weeks, months, years to the blackest despair. i have spent many an hour carefully ruminating on the very clear and inarguably true things that made me feel that way, carefully laying out why life was not worth living and maybe never would be, specifically debunking all the bullshit people told me to try to counsel me out of my depression. and that feeling that was ironclad certainty in my mind at the time is, looking back, like a fading mirage. one should always at least consider the possibility that what feels to us like an immutable truth of our life is less substantial than it seems.

[mezz-merizing]

hi everyone, i'm mezz!

so!! now that we're about a week into you all deciding that my aimless rambles about hypno things i like are worth a follow, i figure it's probably about time for a belated introduction, and also a pinned post!

i'm Mezzmer, and you can call me Mezz! i'm sure you've caught the general drift by now: i'm an extremely hypnokinky nineteen-year-old enby with a passion for long-winded infodumping about things that interest me, and this blog is my new and shiny place to do that about something that interests me a lot- the infinite art form of hypnosis!

we have to do all the things a pinned post does, so let's get that out of the way! all that below the cut :3

so! first things first, who don't we want around here? to put it concisely, please don't interact with me iiiif:

you're generally cringe (bigot, terf, nazi, et cetera. you know you're not wanted here, don't make me waste my time blocking you)

you're under the age of 18, for my safety as much as yours

you're a completely blank blog (it's nothing personal! i'm just gonna assume you're a bot if you've got absolutely nothing on your blog- as long as you've got something in your name, or a pfp, a description, whatever, you're cool with me! i don't care if you don't post, i was a lurker too, last week xP)

you post medfet content that revolves around mental hospitals and/or institutionalization, and that's not obvious by your blog title (again, not personal! i just like to scan through the blogs of people who show up in my notifs from time to time, and that kind of thing is a major trigger for me. please follow me on an alt account or something)

and that's it!! i'm pretty lenient with all this stuff- don't be Literally The Worst, and don't cross my boundaries, and we're chill :3

some personal stuff i think you should know: i'm canadian, i'm not a man but i prefer masculine pet names (good boy, pretty boy, etc), i'm autistic, and i will not tell you what's between my legs! i've got a decent amount of experience with hypnosis but i'm always learning and always exploring, and i'm almost always on the subby side. almost.

generally i appreciate hypnotism for the actual hypnosis involved- triggers and suggestions are good and fun, but expect to see a lotttt more from me about inductions, about the experience of trance, that kind of thing! i'm also a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of trance, and i don't often find myself needy for actual sex to spice it up, so don't come expecting a ton of that either

my dms and my askbox are always open to cool people!! if you don't want to literally kill me, i probably want to talk to you!! please come and say hello, i promise it'll be nothing but a good time for me <3

and with all that out of the way, all that's left is my special little tags! there aren't a lot right now, but i'll edit this to add more as i need them

taglist:

#not hypno - believe it or not, i think about other things sometimes! if you'd rather keep your mezz-merizing experience as pure as possible, or if you're seeking out my opinions on stuff that isn't, um, hypno, this is for you >:3

#mezz personals - sometimes i talk about myself on purpose! and sometimes the things that i post reveal interesting things about me! when i think that's happened, i'll tag it with this, and you can peruse it to get a better feel for the boything behind the pretty words

#the box with asks in it - posts where i answer asks sent to me!! :3 i always love getting asks and i do my best to answer all of them, so don't be shy! all asks are answered publicly unless you specifically request otherwise

#🖤🦋🖤 - unfortunately i have been through a significant amount of trauma, and sometimes i process that trauma through kink. this tends to get dark quickly! if that's something that's not for you, well, that's why this tag exists

#serious shit - exactly what it sounds like! if this tag is on a post i'm not fucking around. there is no character and there is no horny stuff. i mean to use this as little as possible, so! let's see how low we can keep that count

that's all! thank you for reading! i'll be back to rambling before you know it <3

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

[TW: sex discussion, consensual underage sex mention, CSA as a concept]

I don't get my deal with sexuality and I'm starting to realize I behave like a survivor except I have no memory of anything of that nature, and I was wondering if anyone could shed light on why I'm like this or how I could find out the truth?

As a child I masturbated constantly and had an intense curiosity about anything sexual, but I also had a major fear of pedophiles and didn't want to be left alone with an adult even my own family - I read a lot including newspapers so I can't tell if something happened that I repressed or just being so aware of sex crimes as a concept gave me that paranoia.

The older I've gotten (I'm 27) the more confusing sexuality has become - as an autistic person the stigma around disabled folk and sex has been a constant weight, but I genuinely was a 'late bloomer' irt attraction to others and I'm still pretty lukewarm. I had sex once at 15 with my then-gf and I just went numb and dissociated even though I wanted to do it, since then I've only had LDRs and it scares me if I meet my current bf irl the same thing will happen as it's already wildly variable when I enjoy sexting and when it just makes me anxious. I once had a sobbing panic attack when he wanted to do stuff on skype (which I'd done before just fine) and that doesn't happen to a healthy adult, right? He's not overly pushy, just has a more normal drive than me, but when he initiates I never know how I'll react and I hate he has to deal with that.

I'm a trans man, and frankly if I got to go on T the change I'd be most excited for is my sex drive increasing so I won't feel so freaky as I'm always skating a line between sexual and repulsed, feeling uneasy hearing people I follow discuss their sex lives and seeing most NSFW content besides stuff that doesn't involve another real person like written fantasies or 'character x reader' content. I have a decent amount of fictional/famous crushes and self-contained fantasies to an extent that occasionally verges on hypersexual and I still masturbate a lot, so asexuality doesn't seem like the answer, besides every asexual I know loves who they are when I detest being this way.

If nothing happened I should be more normal, but I can't remember anything of that nature and it hurts to not have an explanation. I just don't wanna be broken and weird and afraid when I'm not sure I even have an excuse to act like this and if I do I don't know how I could ever find out.

Hi anon,

It's important to remember that everyone's experiences with sexuality are unique, and it's okay if you don't fully understand your own feelings and behaviors around it. You may not have experienced sexual trauma, but if you have, it could be repressed.

I want to preface by saying that when it comes to exploring possible trauma, it's essential to have the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist. Someone with expertise in this area could get a better sense of who you are, what you've been through, and help you explore some possible trauma. It can be very dangerous to your mental health to dig around for potentially repressed memories, because memories that are repressed are repressed for a reason. If you find something you aren't psychologically and emotionally prepared to handle, that could have a great impact on your mental health and safety (from yourself). But also, if you for whatever reason don't have trauma, it would be similarly dangerous to implant the notion that you do. And so, a therapist would be able to assist you further in finding out whether or not you have trauma, and how to process that in a healthy way.

A question that I find helpful to ask for individuals who are trying to understand sexual behavior they displayed as a child is, where did you learn what you were doing? Because while it may be expected for a pubescent child to masturbate, it's less expected for a prepubescent child to masturbate. Respectively, while "Stranger Danger" is often shoved down children's throats, it doesn't necessarily explain your major fear of pedophiles, which makes me wonder, how did you know what they were? These may be questions you don't have the answer to, and that's okay, but these could be things to explore with the help of a professional.

I also just want to say that it's okay to identify as asexual if you feel the term is fitting for you, even if you feel hypersexual at times (I'm also ace). Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, meaning to someone in particular, which means that you can still enjoy sexual acts sometimes, they just aren't necessarily centered around a specific person. You may also already know, but asexuality is a spectrum ranging from sex-repulsed to sex-positive, and it's okay to fluctuate between these. If you feel that trauma has a role in your sexuality, you may resonate with the term caedosexual.

Please know that you are not broken or weird for having these feelings and experiences. It's okay to take the time to explore and understand your own sexuality, and seeking support from a professional can be a helpful step in that process.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[actlikeyoudidntdoit]

ASSASSIN’S MODERN DAY PROFESSIONS

—————————————————

ALTAÏR

College Professor

-We all know that Altaïr has spent most of his life teaching, so what better job does he have than a college professor?

-He knows what he’s talking about, that much is certain, but sometimes he gets a little too lost in his lesson to realize that his students are scratching their heads. So it’s normal to have students staying after class, but they leave understanding every word of what he said.

-He’s not the fun teacher, but he’ll be able to teach you what you need and still remember it at the end of the day.

-He’s pretty lenient, and even with the obnoxious students who cause a scene, he calmly gets them to at least do their work.

-Other teachers always use him as a reference when it comes to the perfect teacher.

EZIO AUDITORE

-I can see Ezio being a public speaker since he’s not all that scared of crowds and spends a lot of time giving advice, so I think he’d really enjoy being able to help a crowd of people whose lives are falling apart

-Ezio would be the single anchor in a sea of storms because he always seems to have an answer for everything. He’s a man whose words are turned into inspirational quotes that people hang on their walls.

-When he says that things will be okay, no one doubts him since they know that he lost his father and his brothers very early on and that it took years for Ezio to accept the loss the way he had. If he could soldier through it, why couldn’t they?

-He doesn’t involve himself in politics, finding them to be a waste of time and breath despite how many people ask for his input on the political status of the country he’s staying in.

-He speaks to a lot of people in private, letting them speak their minds and giving his advice if they want it. He’s a therapist without a license, and you always feel hopeful about life leaving his office.

Connor

Construction or Sports

-This boy was designed for heavy work, and I’ve heard some good points in saying that not only would he be amazing at sports, but he’d also really enjoy it too.

-In my personal headcanon, I think he’d be a good construction worker as well. Not the high end kind that build skyscrapers or anything, but I can see him building simple houses for small communities, taking the lower jobs that can’t afford much help like the sweetheart he is. He definitely volunteers to make houses for the homeless.

-Since most of the homeless he helps don’t have much money, he makes sure to offer them baked goods because he’s definitely a baker.

Edward Kenway

-As a young man, he joins the navy

-Once he’s on his own, he buys his own boat and treats it like royalty.

-He’s not a pirate himself, but he does let less legal people on board for a price. At the time, it was just an easy cash pay since people paid good money when they were desperate.

-When he’s older and gets a grip on some of the people he’s helping (like the REALLY bad criminals) he quickly lets it go.

-Yet after seeing some of the more decent people and the places they were running from, I can see him being a sort of smuggler, but instead of smuggling drugs or weapons, he sells medicines, canned foods, and clothes to the regions where they’re scarce or hard to pay for.

-When he’s older and found a fortune over time, he starts up his own official charity, hiring various sailers to sail supplies to more places than he himself could alone.

SHAY CORMAC

-Okay, I have to say it. Shay would DEFINITELY be an FBI spy. Maybe I haven’t thought of it as heavily as I could, but he just strikes me as a man who could kill someone in plain sight and still not be seen.

-He already knows everything he can about infiltrating and getting vital information

-He knows exactly how to manipulate people to get what he wants.

-He’s like Macgyver but as an agent.

-He does things that make sleeping at night impossible, but he tells himself that every long night for him is another person somewhere else having a peaceful night, and peaceful nights means he’s doing his job. Right?

-Constantly questions his morals, but he can’t bring himself to stop, not knowing that he’d do if he stopped, because at least here he’s doing something. He’s contributing.

-That and maybe I might or might not want to see Shay in a suit 🤷‍♀️

AVELINE

-Actress. And a damn good one. She’s one of the kind of people who get paid millions each job and gives most of her cash on people who really need it. Not only that, she’s a fan favorite everywhere.

-She takes extra jobs in smaller businesses barely staying afloat, and public morality boosts has nothing to do with it. In fact, she keeps her fame life out of everything, choosing to see it just as another job.

-I can see her sharing similarities of Zendaya or Zoe Zaldana

ARNO DORIAN

-High school teacher or actor, I can’t decide.

-Because let’s be honest, this guys brain is more wrinkled than a raisin. He knows his stuff.

-He’s good at simplifying what he’s saying, and that happens to be a very useful trait when it comes to teaching.

-If he was a teacher, he’d be a damn good one, that’s for sure. No one will fail his class because he’s so good at explaining things, and he’d be the one who actually cares for his students.

-When it comes to acting... just admit that Arno’s a theater boy through and through. If you need proof, he’s the only one with a crazy amount of fancy robes and colors. FOR GODS SAKE HE OWNS A THEATER! So on modern day, I could totally see him as an actor as well.

-He’d be the Ewan Mcgregor of the modern day, because everyone recognizes him from SOMEWHERE because he’s really tested his acting ability on multiple various roles. Well read, charming, and level headed, he’d totally rock being an actor. He’s good friends with Aveline, and when they both have time in their busy schedules, they stop by for coffee and fill each other in on their life.

JACOB

-Boxing

-I saw the photoshops of Jacob in boxer life, and I have not been the same because oh my god that is amazing.

-but absolutely he’d be a boxer. He’s the shortest guy in the entire match, but he doesn’t need a stool to knock you on your ass before you can laugh about it.

-His opponents are lucky shattering bones is against the rules because he knows how to make someone wish their dad wore a condom.

-A lot of people think that his rounds must be rigged, and his sister had to physically hold him back every time Jacob threatened to give him a close up of how ‘rigged’ his fights were.

-Jacobs a powder keg, so it doesn’t take much to make him explode, and a lot of the less respectful people he has to fight picks particularly sore spots to do just that.

-He might be pissed, but his punch isn’t the only thing that stings. He knows exactly what words to use, and when they’ve gone too far, he doesn’t hold back.

-Might have a temper, but he has a good heart despite it all. He visits schools and completely turns his personality around with kids. He signs autographs, takes pictures, and makes sure that every one of them have a fun day because he knows that there’s some kids in this school that don’t have those kinds of days. He pays the school for field days each time, making sure they all get out. They bring out the scooters, parachutes, capture the flag, and ‘wrestling’ matches for the kids who want to face him. He loses every time. He never has a bigger smile on his face than when he has children fans walk up to him.

EVIE

-She is totally a lawyer and you can’t change my mind.

-Logic and Facts are her strongest weapons, and so far she has yet to lose a debate.

-Every other lawyer knows that seeing Evie walk into court is an instant death sentence, because like her brother, her words are sharp as a knife and her mind is even sharper.

-If they didn’t look identical, no one would believe that she would be related with Jacob the hot headed boxer, because she was level as water and was near impossible to make angry, but god help the poor sod that presses her.

-Her clients almost always get the best case scenario with Evie by their side by how good she is.

-Also like her brother, children are her weak spot, and her hard composure melts whenever she needs to speak to a child in the witness post, making sure that the child feel comfortable unlike the others that drill the kid with questions when they’re too skittish to answer. She takes her time and gets the kid feeling safe, and gently asks their side.

-Evie might not do it as a profession, but Evie has beaten Jacob in the boxing ring in the gym. She knows damn well how to handle herself, knowing she’d need it since she’d be fighting corrupt politicians or gang members who have too often tried attempts at her life. Every time she emerged unscathed, using the attempt at even more evidence against them and insuring a spot in jail. No one dared try attacking her again after that.

BAYEK

-I’m thinking police officer or motivational speaker for trauma.

-Either way, he’s a guardian who takes care of the people he’s in charge of. He knows words well, and having been down the dark path himself, he knows exactly what people experience and what they want to hear.

-Be the change you want to see in the world, and that’s exactly what he’s doing.

-He’d be a well respected officer, and he’s not afraid of telling off a comrade if someone is wrongfully accused. He’s not very popular in the police station, but as long as he’s doing his job, he’s satisfied.

-He’s saved several people over the course in his life, and his word is well honored since he’s on no ones side. He sees things as what they are and doesn’t twist events he disagreed with to his point of view. Even if it hurts him personally, he doesn’t lie.

-He’s divorced, but they’re still best friends with each other and visit when they can.

AYA (ran out of gifs. Sorry)

-She is hands down a self defense teacher for women

-She sells hidden self defense tools for less than ten dollars, always sure to keep constantly supply of them since many have confessed that they’ve saved them from dangerous situations.

-Like her former husband, she’s a protector and makes sure she provides her students with the best.

-She teaches children what to do if they ever get grabbed, and she’s had many parents in years thanking her when that information ended up saving their child’s life.

ALEXIOS

-Hands down he is a stunt double

- Preferably Arno’s since he relies more on flexibility than brute strength. Then there’s the fact that they look similar enough in features

-He does the moves that would probably be safer if they were just CGI, but he hates those computers with a passion, preferring to do the real thing instead of giving out something fake. He’s broken more bones than he can count, and the companies he works with always have a medic on standby when something goes wrong.

-They tried convincing him that they only needed him for a few spots, but after realizing that he wanted this (and him assuring them that he doesn’t bother with suing), they let him do his thing. The results are fruitful since the most nitpicky movie fans are absolutely thrilled when there’s a particular move done right.

-He teaches Arno a good few things about how to do action scenes, and they’re definitely good friends.

KASSANDRA

-Roller Derby

-She lives for throwing people and smacking them without being judged for it, so the Derby’s her safe spot.

-Everyone on the opposing team is terrified of her, always scared when they see her devilish smile, knowing that they’re about to get their asses handed to them. Like her brother, she’s an adrenaline junky, and when she’s not doing the derby, she’s going off into car races in a water trench. She’s surprisingly very good with cars too, knowing the inside and out of a car like the back of her hand.

-She loves it when men try to catcall her. It gives her a perfect opportunity to punch them in the face.

-She loves the races themselves because no one expects it. Sometimes she pretends to act like a beginner and absolutely slaughter them, giving them a nice wink before driving out with her cash.

-Only has a soft spot for the girl who visits her on weekends. She’s practically her older sister, and there will be hell to pay if her favorite kid gets hurt in any way.

EIVOR

-BACA(Bikers Against Child Abuse)

-The moment I saw this, I instantly thought about them.

-they would absolutely be a part of this

-Looking all badass in leather while turning into a softie for children? That’s Eivors entire character right there.

-Eivors not afraid to get physical with an abuser. They’d beat the abuser to a pulp and right after take the child out for ice cream.

-No one messes with Eivor, knowing that their lenience was stretched only for children. Anyone else tried to pressure her? Your teeth would be shattered and they’d wear the bits for a necklace.

-Children are much more brave around them because they’re tougher than their parent and on their side, so they’re not afraid to give them to the police

[i-did]

hi hello i couldn't sleep last night so i was scrolling thru all ur asks and stuff and ur opinions and analyses are so interesting!!! and then afterwards i was thinking about what u were saying about mlm smut and i'd also been thinking about such things a little bit recently bc like.....at a certain point it becomes quite clear that the vast majority of smut-writing is just imitation. like there's the sex noise verb list and all and the whole general mechanics of the sex and those things just .... replicate over and over. and the whole thing w people writing mlm vs wlw smut regardless of their own sexual orientation..... like i feel like a big part of that is just a self-perpetuating thing. like if u have not had sex and u r getting all ur (pleasure-related) sex ed from fandom (even if u do watch porn, that doesn't rlly tell u how to describe stuff? idk) regardless of What fandom , the majority is going to be mlm smut. which is itself majority imitation of other mlm smut, imitating and imitating back to whoever knows what the first smut fanfic was etc. there's just way More to mimic than there is on the women side of things. which then becomes a self-perpetuating thing, bc the mimicry continues and generates more and more. and---if there are fundamental misunderstandings of anatomy involved---those self-perpetuate as well. and maybe even exaggerate. and yeah. does this all make sense? idk i was just thinking about it. like all the stereotypes and stuff continue bc writers are getting their inspo from other writers rather than their own brains. or something. idk!!!!! it's just all... divorced from reality? bc words. or something!! i hope u get what i'm trying to say. just thoughts i've been thinking. anyway i think ur thoughts are cool. and ur writing. ok bye have a good day!!

Okay yeah this is kinda messy but hope u see this, uhh yeah I think you're right about the echo chamber effect fr about stuff. I think it's a mix of projecting too sometimes. talk more under the cut and also link to a video essay since I love video essays.

Here’s a video that sort of touches on this topic: 

“Gay fanfiction” by Sarah Z. (has CC)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8E_C00dKwI

This video begins to talk about fetishization at the end, but also… not really. The words “gay fanfiction” is used as a catchall, when really gay fanfiction is largely mlm written by non-mlm.

Fandom is a largely women's space dominated by the female gaze in a media industry world that is dominated by men and the male gaze. I'm really glad women have this space to explore creativity and queerness, and I don't expect the female gaze to go away, but I am still ultimately bummed out I can’t read most fanfic or interact with most fandom spaces without having fetishization in my face. 

So about 80% of fandom is women, and most of those women aren't straight, but 90% of those women prefer mlm ships. Why don’t they prefer wlw ships? Well definitely part of it is the fact that queerbaiting is centered around white straight men, and then there is also the fact that women tend not to be written as well charcter wise. But the fact still remains that you get jerjean getting priority over Layla and Alvarez who are in canon just as much and are a canon wlw couple who actually interact as well as Alvarez could likely be a woc because of her Hispanic last name. Korasami doesn’t get nearly as much hype as zuko and saka, despite the fact that they are 2 fully dimensional characters who canonly kiss and hold hands, something the creators fought for and ended up having to sacrifice another reboot for. 

I do believe the fandom echo-chamber is largely responsible for… a lot of things, like you're saying. But what's interesting is that the complaints I've heard about visual porn from non mlm in the fandom space is that they can’t get off to it because its for the male gaze and misogynistic usually. But they also don't seem to notice how the mlm smut circles has the female gaze and is also… almost always mlm. If it was a pure anatomical not knowing thing, I get that, but I also think that leads to the question of “then why the male body for porn, and not your own? The one you know and are familiar with?” 

I know some people want to get outside of their own body for porn and don’t want to think of their own anatomy at all, but overall I'm still uncomfortable. If an anglo said “well I watch porn of only Mexicans so I don't self insert” I'm gonna be like … hhhh in a similar way. I understand people “like what they like” but I wish they also noticed said patterns in the first place. I understand the t4t tumblr porn circle, and how it's different from cis people who only watch trans porn. 

I actually wished that instead of fandom focusing on mlm ships where some asshole guy hits on bottom troupe charcter for top troupe character to save, was instead… a wlw character experiencing said shitty getting hit on and other wlw swooping in. what's interesting is fandom writes a lot about misogynistic experiences without often realizing it. Ive read fanfic where guys get called sluts for sleeping with people or called bitch for speaking their mind, these arent things men usually experience, but rather women. Fandom has a lot of internalized misogyny and also queerphobia imo. Women characters often get pushed to the sidelines and men become the canvas for female fans to project onto. 

There is this natural inclination to mlm. When people are talking about “gay shipping” or “gay books” or “gay feels” or even just “gay” mlm is what’s largely in mind. I honestly am kinda saddened by this because if gay fanfiction was really solely about writing more to feel represented, then you would see a lot of bi and ace and lesbian rep, but this isn't the case. Queer women are seriously underrepresented, and I want to hear their stories and read them in fanfiction as well as published. 50% of lgbt literature is mlm, and of that its largely written by women. Becky Albertalli, Rainbow Rowell, Maggie Stiefvater, are the YA big names and are all women writing mlm. Red white and royal blue is written by Casey McQuiston and Captive prince (which is not YA) is written by C. S. Pacat, who is non-binary, but is also TME and not mlm. These are all the big names in mlm lit, behind them is some gay men, but honestly their stories aren't preferred, they're not the right “flavor” for the consumers usually, who are largely women. In general YA consumers and authors are women, but I wish that they… just wrote about women too. I think there is a certain… snowball effect to the overrepresentation of mlm representing the whole LGBT community that leads to fetishization, as well as misogyny playing a factor in: less women characters being written well to write fanfic on, when they are written well they're taken less seriously or the audience struggles to relate to them, they're less marketable then men. 

Idk I never feel “seen” or “represented” by any of the books above, which don't address boyhood and manhood and queerness intersecting really, and AFTG doesn’t either. I relate to AFTG as a trauma victim who has experienced a lot of what many of the characters go through and have gone through in the EC as well as them just overall being very well written characters, but I don't relate to it as a mlm really. I've never seen like.. gay voice or being straight passing or femphobia or how boyhood can be affected from a young age by those around you sensing you're ‘other’ or if you didn't experience this you feel outside the mlm community. Let alone sub cultures like bear and leather and pup, at most you see the word “he's such a twink” in fandom which... i fr hate non mlm using that word because it's usually used to replace the f-slur essentially, used derogatorily or to call him “such a bottom” and stuff like that. It’s like a joke or an insult.

Long story short, idk mang this was a ramble and I think I'm coning down with something. I wanna see more queer women rep and women authors writing about being a queer woman too. I think it's a complex web of fetishization and a bit of forbidden love yaoi culture (or it used to be in the BOYXBOY days) as well as misogyny on an industry level, creator level, as well as reader/consumer and fandom level. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to explore other peoples stories and what we read has to be segregated, “only mlm are allowed to read and write mlm, only wlw are allowed to read and write wlw,” but I also think author’s intent and audience and background is telling, as well as overall statistics. Like about an hour ago I was looking for cookbooks in spanish or in english, and I was looking for some mexican food cook books, but I had to look for them using words in spanish because otherwise what came up was a bunch of “fiesta party, easy as uno dos tres authentic cooking!” and I was like… hm. Since I could tell they were marketing to anglos. (also the author’s last names were like michelle smith, james cooper, and this could be for a variety of reasons, but I trust Hispanic names more tbh and deadass would look at the authors pictures and if they had other books in Spanish or what their specialties were.)

anyways. not sure how to end this. uhm if anyone has any book recs (my to read list is like 500 books tho no joke) preferably not YA white mlm written by a white lady, hopefully queer women written by queer woman, LMK, I need more wlw and queer women stories on my list. I have a decent amount but always looking for more. I kinda wanna link my goodreads or my storygraph but I also don't want to get doxxed and it has my legal name on it so.

Also, I'm dyslexic and using spell check but if there's like some wild typos my b.

[vickyvicarious]

Worldbeyondtheworld. More of the AA and Leverage crossover. Each of the team talks with Maya on the same day and dear gosh, some of them want to adopt her so bad. The also talk with Phoenix and they're shocked when they meet and share the same experience that he mirrored their mannerisms so well even if it was shortly. And unconsciously on top!

I think Parker and Maya would immediately hit it off like a house on fire. Maybe a literal house on fire would be involved, who knows. I mean, the whole team would like Maya for sure, but I kind of lean towards it being one of those situations like Peggy? Where she and Eliot have a decent amount they could bond over, but Eliot hangs back and I've always headcanoned it was so he didn't get in the way of Parker's friendship since she has so few and they're so important to her.

I guess it depends a bit on when/how they meet since Maya would be younger too, and the whole medium thing could put a damper since Parker doesn't like psychics - but then again, Maya's brand is so very very different from anything Parker's encountered before. And I think maybe one thing that could happen is Maya offering to channel Parker's brother, and Parker not being able to say yes right now - too afraid of her guilt and of seeing him again. And Maya would understand and make it an open offer for whenever she feels ready, if she ever does. And obviously, the fact that Maya won't remember what transpires while she's channeling and it can just be a private moment between Parker and her little brother, is a huge factor in favor of the idea. (Although, if they meet early on enough, Maya would still be struggling with her own fears of failing as a spirit medium, which could be interesting too.)

The only other one I think who would really get as close to Maya would be Sophie. Sophie would remind Maya a lot of Mia, and I think she'd really look up to Sophie, in an older sister/motherly way, whereas with Parker it's a little more of a friendship on the same level. I think Sophie would recognize a lot of herself in the way Maya presents such a cheerful exterior to the world while hiding all this trauma and insecurity. It's not quite the same thing as what she does, but she recognizes that kind of compartmentalizing really easily.

I think that Eliot would see Parker kind of pick Maya as her mentee/friend, and back off a little despite his adoption instincts. But he'd absolutely bond a lot with Pearl right away - him and Hardison both kinda fawn over her. Eliot teaches her how to improve her punch, Hardison teaches her about technology and helps her to keep from being so isolated, and Nate... Nate finds it emotionally difficult to get close to kids and would not wanna initiate, but Pearl would really like him and he'd perform magic tricks for her and absolutely delight her. She'd sadly complain that the only magic she knows how to do is spirit-channeling, which isn't nearly as impressive.... that would blow his mind if he believed in it, but he doesn't, so instead he's just kind of indulgent and unusually gentle with her.

As for Phoenix... like previously discussed, I think he and Sophie would get along really really well. If I had to pick a favorite/closest relationship between him and any member of the team, I still think it would be her. But as far as him mirroring all their mannerisms, I don't quite agree. I don't think he mirrors to that degree.

What I could see though, is all of them just kind of feeling comfortable around him. Something about the way he talks and moves, and probably no one but Sophie or maybe Nate would pick up on exactly why. There's a little bit of mirroring going on, but it's also the way he talks and how he responds. It's very interesting to Sophie because he isn't intentionally acting at all, but he is behaving slightly differently with each of them without losing a clear 'Phoenix-ness' that doesn't change no matter what. It's most likely to him picking up on some clues (and maybe psyche-locks) in their own body language and voices, and adapting to them. He isn't trying to lead them in any particular direction (when he tries, it's via rather blunt changes of topic) but more him following along. She'd probably point out some subtle cue and say that he could be a very good grifter if he knew what he was doing, but it's pretty clear to her that he doesn't. Although he definitely seems to notice when she's hiding something - his entire posture would change sometimes, as soon as she told a lie.

(PS- @worldbeyondtheworld tagging you since it's been so long since you sent this. I thought I'd posted my answer ages ago, but apparently I saved it half-written in my drafts. My bad!)

[pruinesce-a2]

about all your recent posts for fuyumi i can understand how she feels & the constant fear & anxiety she has. to have incompatible parents & your the eldest so it's always a small trigger could make everything fall apart & your trying your best to keep everything together. you over analyze everything action and word to know if things are still okay or is something going to happen? to want everyone and everything to be fine. the amount of responsibility (1/2)

and sometimes you do want to just crash but you physically can't because it's how you've trained your mind to be always 'breath ur fine breath it's okay breath & get up & fix things it'll get better one day. maybe' you wish you had someone who could take off the weight for just a little bit but what if they don't do it right, what if that means i'm getting weak what if what if what if and it is just a nightmare (2/2)

Also because fuyumi's situation reminds me of mine, you feel terrified of romance and don't believe it actually exists, you have the fear of this repeating but with your own family and you dont want your kids to go through the same thing. Also you've never been responsible for only yourself so you're wondering if you ever will figure out who "you" are really. There's so much of yourself defined by the situation you are in that if it's gone, you don't know who you are (3/2 😭😭)

i’m incoherent bc i just got outta class but yes to pretty much all of this. and also, my friend, me too ! fuyumi is a HUGE comfort character of mine because i relate to her so much for the same reasons - and now i wanna go bit by bit n talk about all the stuff you mentioned because i’ve mentioned it in pieces on this blog but never in full and i just go crazy thinking about her. 

trigger warnings for child abuse, death, and just. general unpleasantness.

first of all in all honesty, there’s really no situation in which endeavor could ever be compatible ( which isn’t a jab at you - just want it to be clear that this is beyond parents that don’t get along ! ). he’s straight up abusive and drove his wife to a complete mental break, as well as, as i’ve said before, y’know. beating the shit out of his kids. i wanna also clarify some things on the timeline before i get started ( i’m not sure if you’ve watched/read bnha, but also this is for my mutuals that haven’t ) - fuyumi is now the eldest living. the todorokis had four kids: touya, the firstborn, then fuyumi, then natsuo, and then shouto. and i want to follow that by linking you to this page, where we find out that..... touya died AFTER rei’s breakdown and subsequent hospitalization.

AFTER.

i honestly don’t know the timeline of touya and shouto’s training.... bc in this panel we see that baby touya didn’t have any burn marks, no bandages, he was fully capable of playing and running around. i also think if he would have been trained the same way shouto was, rei’s break would’ve come a lot sooner, and we wouldn’t have panels like this - i think before shouto, while the todoroki family was incredibly dysfunctional, they still had some semblance of a normal family, and that’s why fuyumi is so desperate to try to have a family again; because she knows and has seen that they were a family, or at least were in her understanding as a child. this seems particularly reinforced for me because natsuo, in the light novel, talks about how he always wanted endeavor’s attention as a kid! he thought it was unfair that shouto was the one who was getting it all, so it implies to me that.... one, they had no idea at first, and two, they had to have had at least a decent relationship with him before.

so i think what happened was.... after shouto’s quirk manifested, endeavor began to change. he started training shouto because he developed the quirk he wanted, all that stuff we already know, and the stress of it all drove rei into pouring the boiling water on shouto, and then we know she was put into psychiatric care. fuyumi was 12.

rei leaving was, obviously, hard on all of them. i think fuyumi was the most disconnected from her mother, because rei saw so much of herself in fuyumi and couldn’t stand it at times. natsuo in the light novel also mentioned he didn’t mind the lack of attention because he had his mom! so it hurt fuyumi, a lot, but she was able to be strong for them because a) she was older and b) she and her mother had a strained relationship anyway.

i headcanon fuyumi was the one who found rei and shouto. she heard the kettle whistle, the screaming and crying from the kitchen, and when she rounded the corner she saw her mother and shouto on the floor as we’ve seen in canon. it was incredibly scarring. fuyumi gets frequent flashbacks and invasive imagery from this event, especially when she hears that kettle whistle / sees her brothers in the kitchen. i’ve said it over and over but she hates them being there, shouto in particular - and i think this is backed up in the light novel when she immediately makes the boys leave the kitchen after shouto tries to come in and help.

i also think endeavor thought shouto was ruined after that. his “masterpiece” was ruined because there was a very strong possibility he’d never recover from that injury, and so endeavor, in desperation, turned to his first-born son as a replacement. his wife definitely wasn’t going to be giving him any more kids, and shouto as far as he knew was out of commission. fuyumi had an ice quirk and natsuo was practically quirkless, if not ENTIRELY quirkless. but touya.... had his flames. i don’t think endeavor initially wanted to train him because he wasn’t the perfect combination that he kept trying for with rei - but here, he’d reached his own breaking point, and touya was the only option left to continue his legacy.

but it’s implied endeavor pushed too hard, or was somehow directly involved in touya’s “death.” i put this in quotes because y’know, dabi is a todoroki theory. and this obviously just made things worse. i’m linking to this page again because it says that rei got worse, too, so much so that she couldn’t see shouto anymore - but it also implies to me that natsuo and fuyumi would still visit. but anyway ! touya dies, rei gets worse, and surely soon after endeavor finds out that shouto, while he’d have that scar on his face, would recover... and still be able to be trained.

so ummm.... now i can talk about fuyumi. all that and we’re JUST getting to her.

i’m kind of starting from the last ask here, but you’re entirely right - since the age of 13, fuyumi has never been able to define herself. from here on, she was entirely shaped by her trauma, and by roles she was never supposed to have fulfilled - i.e., motherhood. as a reminder, shouto was 5-6, natsuo was 9-10, and fuyumi, at age 13-14, truly began to step in rei’s place. so fuyumi starts taking care of the two of them while touya was the one who became isolated while he was trained. and like i said in a couple other posts, her brothers rejected her mothering them at first - i.e. natsuo lashing out and saying she’s NOT their mother and shouldn’t act like it, and shouto begging for their mom all the time and not understanding where she went. fuyumi barely had her own time to process what was happening and process the loss of her mother.

and then touya died. fuyumi probably feels partially responsible for his death, too, in the same way she and natsuo have said felt responsible for not helping shouto - she often thinks she could’ve done or said something to prevent that, too. and as you said, she overanalyzes everything and she’s incredibly hypervigilant to her father’s moods, because his satisfaction is, essentially, paramount to survival. touya died because he couldn’t meet her father’s standards, or maybe because he made endeavor angry, or whatever the case.

and you’re also right about the fact that she has no one to share the burden with - or, at the very least, feels like it. the one time natsuo tried to make it easier on her by cooking dinner, their father forbade him from never doing it again. i can only imagine what this fight looked like, and how scared fuyumi was of something so small turning into something irreparable. fuyumi says on this page they “take turns”, but i only think it ever happens when endeavor’s not home.

not to mention, as a defense and coping mechanism, became the image of a perfect mother to her brothers, and a perfect daughter to her father. always putting the boys first - i headcanon when either of them were sick, fuyumi would stay home from school to take care of them. always making sure her father was pleased and mediating between him and the boys. she developed this personality that consists of nothing but love and gentleness and understanding. i talked about this in my post about her and complex ptsd, but i’ll add the relevant excerpt here, too:

it’s also very common for these survivors to re-experience emotions from trauma intrusively - particularly when triggered. these feelings are often disproportionate to the present situation, but are equal to the intensity of what was required of them at the time of a trauma – also known as an emotional flashback.

fuyumi’s trauma has always put her in situations where she plays the peacemaker, the level head, the kind and gentle and understanding one. and because fuyumi is CONSTANTLY re-traumatized and exposed to her triggers because that entire house is one, it’s become her entire personality.

so fuyumi doesn’t really get to discover herself, at all, outside her trauma. her live revolves entirely around her brothers and her father. i think this also contributes to her desperation to repair her family now, because.... she doesn’t know what else is beyond that.

she’s stuck here. she can’t heal or move on right now.

fuyumi is a busybody because she KNOWS if she ever stops moving, she’ll crash, as you said. and it happens on occasion - but always behind closed doors. she has these.... quiet breaks, before she’s “fine” and moving on the next day. shouto and natsuo have never seen this side of her. she keeps this perfect facade of being put together tight under wraps.

i think the last thing to address with this ask is the aspect of romance and family - and once again, my dear friend, you’ve hit the nail on the head ! to start, fuyumi is deeply afraid of romance. she’s in love with the idea of it, as we can tell from her obsession with soap operas and trashy novels, but in reality it takes a long, long time for fuyumi to ever feel comfortable enough to define or initiate things between herself and someone else. it’s why she’s also always involved in people who are very straightforward, who won’t keep secrets from her, because she needs clarity in a relationship always. not to even mention a family of her own - fuyumi is so terrified of becoming her mother. even now, it’s why she refuses to let her brothers in the kitchen with her - because she knows how alike they are.

what’s really incredible to me is that despite all of that, fuyumi’s love and optimism and empathy and all that kindness and gentleness for the world is still very real and true. you can see it in the way she smiles, it’s in the way she sees the little things in people and remembers them, it’s in the unconditional love and understanding she gives to her friends and partners, the care she takes in tending to the family garden, the attention to her students - she truly embodies the good of humanity, the good of people - an aspect of her character that i love is how entirely mundane she is, and yet... she’s so, so special. her path to healing will always begin with forgiveness (though once she’s able to get away from endeavor, she’ll never be around him again), because she’s not a person that can live with anger in her heart, and i will always love how that’s presented as an entirely valid thing to do.

as a final addendum to this post, nearly no one knows about any of that. fuyumi won’t talk about it unless it’s entirely unavoidable, and even then she tries to make excuses and dance around it. like.... she stops up, she can’t speak. she freezes and completely stops functioning. ironic considering how openly her brothers will talk about it.

so anyways. i don’t think you expected this long winded answer, but i couldn’t help myself. thanks for sending this in !

[itsclydebitches]

I think the worst thing about V7 is they completely fail to take the cold and grimm attack into account. How many are dead from the cold? How many were killed by the grimm attack? How many were already evacuated? Despite the fact the cold doesn’t kill grimm (the whole reason Atlas is there) and doesn’t kill people (despite the show TELLING us it does, even as 3 men and unconscious woman are out in the tundra), Mantle is dying. Is it cold to leave them? Yes. Welcome to ugly real world RWBY+.

If anything, the Tyrian-Clover-Qrow-Robyn fight makes things worse for me because it  actually makes a decent amount of sense (regarding the cold, I mean. Not other aspects lol). Weiss tells us that you need aura to protect yourself from the cold and sure enough, these characters all have aura. They’re also involved in a fight so even if their aura wasn’t active due to the cold before, it definitely is now. I can believe that Qrow, Clover, and Tyrian, as powerful fighters, are all fine out in that tundra. Robyn’s situation should be critical not just due to injuries she may have suffered from the crash, but also because she’s unconscious (no aura) and lying in the snow. She’s going to freeze to death, which to my mind just further supports Clover’s “You need to stop fighting me so we can get her help” and further damns Qrow’s “Nah. I care more about freedom than the life of an ally.” Similarly, Clover’s aura breaking is also a major concern but he dies immediately after he loses it. There’s no chance for the cold to be dangerous because the sword through his chest got to him first. RWBY has managed to write a scene where the cold is indeed a threat but we understand why it’s not an immediate threat: these people have powerful aura, Clover dies right after his breaks, and (admittedly with a bit of interpretation), Robyn may have indeed been in danger and that danger may be referenced in the next Volume. If she at any point experiences health consequences for being left like that - unlikely I think given that she seems fine post-arrest, but I don’t want to slam RWBY for things it hasn’t actually done yet - or if we’re given another stipulation like she wasn’t out in the cold long enough for it to be deadly/damaging... then RWBY would be in the clear. That scene, cold-wise, is internally consistent. 

Which sadly makes the other scenes look ridiculous. RWBY demonstrates that it can do this work in one place (perhaps by accident) but not elsewhere. All living things might have aura, but few if any of these civilians would be able to control it to keep themselves safe. Maybe we can acknowledge that the Qrow-Tyrian-Clover fight wasn’t really that long - only a couple of minutes - and if the military arrived promptly after Clover’s murder then Robyn wasn’t out there very long, but we can’t say the same for people who have had their heat shut off all through the fight with Watts, the meeting, the Ace Ops battle, and now well into the morning as they’re directed towards a crater. We can’t provide an internally logical excuse for RWBY here. All of which brings us back to your questions, anon. We have to assume that some have died/will soon die from cold, so will the show actually acknowledge that? How many have been evacuated? Either it’s a lot - somewhat justifying Ironwood’s desire to leave with a majority - or it’s just a few - increasing the number who should be in danger from the cold. And the grimm are a whole separate problem where we have to acknowledge how staggeringly convenient the people’s survival is, well past breaking our suspension of disbelief. We’ve seen flying grimm in Argus ignore all the panicking civilians to instead attack military planes, we’ve seen the RWBYJNR group slam in at the last second to save everyone encountering a grimm in Atlas, and via the promos we’ve seen grimm so stupid they don’t go around a small barrier to maul a civilian before Jaune or Ren can stop them. It’s not that there are good worldbuilding reasons for this (the military has a surefire way of drawing the grimm away, the grimm are established as completely mindless beast), if anything, the worldbuilding we have gotten (negativity draws grimm, many grimm are quite smart) suggests otherwise, which leaves us with the issue that RT is unwilling to follow their own rules because, well, that’s harder. It’s harder to write a story where the heroes convincingly win after you’ve stacked the odds against them to such an extent. It’s harder to write an upbeat story when you include scenes of innocent civilians freezing to death or dying at the hands of monsters. But that’s the situation they’ve given us. They need to work with what they’ve written. The answer is not to go, “Oh shit, everyone should be dying here but we didn’t actually want an entire Kingdom to perish and have our characters grapple with the emotional trauma of that... so, uh, none of the grimm manage to kill people! The cold is no longer a danger! Salem herself won’t decimate them all for, uh, reasons! There. Problem solved” and the viewer is left going, “Actually no... the problem is still there? You’re just choosing to ignore it.” 

[thoughtsofanexcitedspacechild]

Writing Tips (Pt. 3): Writing Believable and shippable relationships in literature.

Hello friends! First of all, let me say a HUGE thank you for the support on the Kataang post! I worked really hard on it and it means so much to me all the little notes you give it and reblog it! I know it’s not at a huge number of notes, but I like knowing that people took time to read through the endless rant and reblog it! I’m planning on doing another full analysis on Zutara and why specifically it doesn’t work. I’ll make it respectful though as I know that a lot of Kataang fans are REALLY defensive and anti-zutara. I promise I’m not one of those people, and believe that no matter who you ship, your opinions on fictional characters are your opinions and you are FULLY entitled to ship and like whatever you want (as long as it’s not incest or a huge age gap. PLEASE don’t ship that stuff lol. U nasty mfs know who u are.) Speaking of ships, let’s talk about writing them. Writing ships for movies, books, shows, etc. can be surprisingly hard. Writing characters themselves can be hard enough as it is, but writing a pair of characters that fit together like a puzzle piece can feel impossible. Nevertheless, I’m here to make that process a little bit easier. When I’m trying to set up a relationship that’s going to happen, here are some things that I keep in mind to make sure that I and the audience of my writing  ship the characters I have end up together. 

DISCLAIMER before I get a’rantin: I am by NO means telling you how or what to write and am by NO means a professional writer of any sorts. I’m doing this mostly because I write a lot and speak from my own personal experiences with writing and because these are just the things that I found work best when writing my own stories. I also read and analyze a lot of others work on my own personal time, and these are just the details that I pick up on that I find makes a piece of writing effective. With that in mind, remember that writing is and art form, and the beauty of that is that there’s no one right way to do it. Ever. You can read the same thing as another person and interpret it in a completely different and unique way. 

1. Complementary Characters usually work out best. 

This is more than the classic “opposite’s attract” theory, and characters don’t necessarily have to be opposite to be complementary. Some things to think about when thinking of and writing complementary characters:

-Complementary doesn’t necessarily mean complete opposite in every single way. Often times I find it much more helpful to have characters share a common interest in hobbies, upbringing, childhood trauma (that one’s a bit overdone these days), etc. so that they’re not butting heads all the time. Just like yin and yang, theres a bit of darkness in the light and vice versa. To keep the balance harmonious, you can’t have characters be polar opposites and have no common ground. That leads to what many people consider a toxic ship, and will either lead to an unrealistic balance that inevitably leads your characters to be fighting all the time. 

-Keeping common interests in mind, often times the paces where character’s contrast is in their personalities. (Shy and bold, heart and head, bubbly and brooding, quiet and gregarious, etc.) Different personalities often are able to balance each other out and hold each other accountable for their weaknesses.

-Going off of that, one character’s strength is another’s weakness, and all traits are both. A character’s empathy can lead them to be loved by many, but may cause them to starve themselves and drain their cup so there’s none left to take care of themselves. A character’s logic may lend them top of class or calm in stressful situations, but can lead them to be insensitive to others and even their own emotions. Your characters should balance each other out and work well together, and part of this is helping each other grow from their weakness. 

-This one isn't as important, but what I also find super compelling, especially in film and tv shows is when the authors/writers deliberately choose to give the characters complementary color palettes. (I dove more into this on my Kataang analysis so go read that if you’re super interested.) If the character’s look ascetically pleasing together, it makes shipping them a whole lot easier. Focus on orange and blue, yellow and purple, red and green, and any variation of those colors together. 

2. Buildup

Often times one of the biggest critiques of ships that just don’t work out is that there’s not enough buildup or foundation to have a romantic relationship. It seems obvious, but if you’re going to have them end up together, there’s going to need to be some buildup or else the entire relationship will feel wrong and contrived no matter how pleasant you make it. 

Some tips for increasing and establishing buildup:

-Have your otp spend time together as friends first. I personally find that the healthiest and most successful ships are friends before they’re lovers. This is why Kataang specifically works so well, but Korrasami, Romionie, and Liesel and Rudy from the Book Thief are all good examples. If you observe these ships, all of these characters spend time together as friends first. Korra and Asami were able to bond and become friends over a toxic guy (cough cough MAKO) and eventually developed feelings for one another. Ron and Hermione weren’t romantically interested in other people and were friends until they started seeing other people and found out they liked each other. Liesel and Rudy were best friends before anything else and Liesel didn’t realize her feelings until it was too late. 

-Time together. When your otp spends time together, make sure that whatever time is being spent together is time that they both enjoy. No, the activity itself doesn’t have to be enjoyable to both characters, but the time spent together should be. If the characters really aren’t enjoying the time spent together, then it’s never gonna work out. I’ll use the ship that I’m writing as an example. Currently, I’m in the process of writing a third atlas series and we’ll use my characters Liang and Hana. (Yea I used my own name for one of my characters. I think it suits her bc she’s basically my clone, just, she’s the avatar. I’m going to change both of their names once I do more research and can find culturally and historically accurate names.) Liang REALLY loves pro-bending matches. Hana, not so much. She still goes with him to see matches and attends his matches when she can. On the flip side, Hana really loves going to her favorite tea shop. Liang vastly prefers a strong cup of coffee, but he goes with her anyways. Why would they choose to do something that they don’t necessarily like? Because that’s more quality time spent with each other and doing something for the other person. 

3. Romantic Gestures

Going off of my last point, we have the art of romantic gestures. These can range to things anywhere from a hug, to an elaborate firework display, to a locket with both of their pictures in it. Make sure that the romantic gestures are there! It’s gotta be clear that both characters are thinking about one another and consciously choose to do something for the other person. Here are some fun ways to do it:

-Remembering a gift the other character wanted. This one’s cliche but it works, because often times the best way to show affection is through physical gifts and objects. Think coffee from a favorite shop, handwritten notes, that piece of clothing the other has been eyeing, etc. 

-~symbolism~ *add chime here* By that I mean have an object to symbolize their relationship with, like Korrasami’s iconic hair pin or Liesel’s book that Rudy retrieved for her. This way, the readers not only have a visual representation of their favorite ships, but the object can physically link characters together and make a vague relationship full cannon. (I know for sure that someday when I get a tattoo, I want the hairpin tattooed on my wrist, ankle or side of my body.) 

-PDAs. Works best in film and visual stuff, but still applies for everything. I’m talking cuddles, kisses, falling asleep in each other’s arms, the whole shebang. I mean how much clearer can you make it than a pda?

-Love languages. Each person loves in their own unique way. Have characters figure out and learn each other’s love language. It really shows and adds a whole other layer to the cake. This one can make a ship that feels a little bland have more depth and realism, because in the real world, healthy relationships are formed and aided by learning and applying each other’s love language. 

4. Dialogue. This one can be hard to master, but once you do, it’s a breeze. First off, I recommend getting all your ideas out, and editing. DON’T EDIT AS YOU GO! This is often tedious and super annoying, so get everything out first, and go from there once you have a decent amount to work with. Dialogue is tricky, because dialogue in and of itself is meant to communicate and express feelings. Here are some tips and steps to at least get a start: 

a. Know EXACTLY how your characters feel about one another, and make that evident through communication. It seems obvious (again) but this really helps and I find that putting myself in the character’s shoes for a second and really thinking about it helps to decide exactly what they would say in a given situation, especially if the scene you’re writing involves confrontation about feelings for one another. 

b. Dialogue is more than just talking. Body language, tone, facial expressions, etc. are all part of dialogue too and are SUPER important! In the real world, humans communicate through more than just words, and sometimes a playful grin, grimace, crossed arms, or pout is much more effective than a character outright saying something. 

c. Once you’ve written the dialogue out, be concise and smart about your dialogue and pare it down as much as you can. Often times, adding too much dialogue can make a scene boring and flat. Use your words sparingly! The purpose of writing is to covey a story or message and often times this can be done effectively with less words rather than more. The main point in dialogue itself is to provide necessary context and information. Otherwise, don’t use it.

d. Make sure the conversation is two sided. This (say it with me now) SEEMS OBVIOUS, but make sure that both people are talking/communicating. it’s a conversation, not a speech. (Unless it is a speech or declaration of some sort.)

Before I go: A QUICK (Long) PSA ON TOXIC SHIPS: 

The concept of a toxic ship is very common in a lot of literature. Often times writers choose to include elements that may be toxic to heighten romantic tension in a story. While I do recognize that this sometimes may be a stylistic choice, there are MUCH better and effective ways to create tension that having something be toxic. Toxic relationships in my opinion share one purpose, and that is to establish a relationship’s toxicity and ineffectiveness. I don’t recommend writing these into a story unless it’s an obstacle for your characters to overcome, and having a character forgive the toxic actions of another character and still end up with them isn’t the right move because it completely disregards and diminishes the effects of what happened previously.

One of the best examples I can think of is Reylo from the new sw trilogy. I did touch on this briefly in a couple of my earlier posts (The Effect Of Modern Day SW characters and My Tips for Writing (In General) which I highly suggest you go read bc they both took me a bit of time and state the purpose more in depth) but I think I’ll quick reiterate and say that it wasn’t a good choice on the writer’s part to have some of the dialogue be so intense and vicious and then have them end up together. I still like the idea of Ben Solo and Rey together and ship them together out of cannon, but in cannon, it’s the perfect example of an ineffective ship. There was little to no build up, the dialogue was often spiteful and sharp, and it escalated a bit too quickly. I would’ve liked to see more of Ben Solo (NOT Kylo) and him feeling sorry for and repenting for the bad that he’s done before he and Rey end up together. Yes, we’re all suckers for the enemies to lovers trope, but PLEASE make sure to filter out the toxins before boarding your ships and watching them sail. 

That’s it for now! I hope this helps a little when writing shippable characters! I’m always free to rant to and to critique. I’m going to start posting as much as I can, because these guides help me too! Check out my other ones if you’d like to know tips for writing in general and I made another one on how to write characters. 

[heartofsnark]

it's very cool that you always put caution tags for the heavier stuff in your works. it helps ppl be prepared and is just very cool thank u for doing that

Thank you much! Thats something that's very important to me, so I appreciate it!~

I'm a huge proponent for fanfic writers; tag and warn the fuck out of your content. Especially in my case, I am a writer who's always been very direct and honest about the fact that I write gross shit sometimes. I write noncon, body horror, heavy kink content, psychological horror, gory content, toxic relationship, trauma. All my ocs have significant trauma and need therapy. My FC5 fic as a whole, I have been very direct about it being a lot of build up to noncon, toxic unhealthy relationships, and essentially stockholm syndrome for my deputy. Literally, I think come back to writing after years of never sharing anything was a noncon terato fic involving a hellhound.

And there is a significant portion of my followers who frankly did not sign up for that and is not the content they specifically want to see.

So, for me its very important to make sure everyone knows exactly what they're getting into when it comes to my content. I never want anyone to read my content and be exposed to something they were not expecting. I never want my writing to hurt anyone or trigger them. But I also will write what I want to and trust everyone to be an adult moderating their own online experience.

And this seems like a good time to say this again for anyone on my blog. If I ever fail to accurately warn for something or you'd like something warned for better or tagged a certain way; do not hesitate to let me know. I have a very open door policy for warnings/taggings. I think I do a decent job, but I know its always possible I forget or miss something.

By the same extension, if anyone simply cannot deal with me writing this content at all, no amount of triggers or warnings will ever make them comfortable with the knowledge I am creating this content. Do not hesitate to block me if it makes your online experience more comfortable. Everyone should curate their online experience to meet their needs; and if I don't pass that vibe check, its cool.

[beatriceeagle]

no pressure if you're busy but i was wondering - is titans good? or is it more a show where you're like it's not /good/ but i like it? i thought it looked interesting but then everyone was so negative about it i kind of got put off. And then your (really excellent btw) video resparked why i thought it'd be interesting to watch in the first place. thanks!

I haven’t paid a ton of attention to what fans have said about Titans, although I’m aware that there’s a general negative vibe around it. I suspect that whether Titans is worth watching for you depends a whole lot on what you want out of Titans.

I went into the show having never read a DC comic in my life. I was coming off of a week-long Wikipedia binge on Batman and his associated characters—the Robins, the Batgirls, some dude named Signal—and was talking to @thirdblindmouse about how it had become overwhelmingly clear to me that we’ve been doing Batman all wrong for decades, and the way to tell the story is as an ensemble family drama about intergenerational trauma. And she was like, “Uh, have you seen Titans?” So all of my pre-existing understanding of the characters comes from Google and selected comics scans.

I suspect that the show’s interpretation of Dick Grayson, in particular, is... skewed? I’m almost certain, based on scans of comics I’ve seen/the half a season of Teen Titans I watched a lifetime ago, that its interpretation of Starfire is highly nontraditional. There are certain storylines that I know they’re adapting, but like, they are playing very loose with the adaptation of even some of the characters’ basic personalities. (I’m pretty sure—again, not really a DC comics fan!)

So if you’re very committed to a generally cheerful Dick Grayson, Titans will not give you that. If you have a vision of Batman as a generally decent man, Titans will really not give you that. In general, I think that the show would be better if it erred more towards a lighter tone for Dick—there are moments where he has shades of Quentin in season three of The Magicians, when Q was kind of endearingly hapless, and the show is better for it. But I think it earns its ambivalent stance on Batman, and uses it well. Batman in Titans looks and acts like your dad whose office you’re not allowed into. And Titans!Starfire is really amazing. Like, Anna-Diop-is-a-revelation, fuck-now-you’ve-got-me-shipping-against-my-will amazing.

The bigger issue that Titans has—and this is not unrelated to Dick’s characterization, I guess—is its relationship with violence. Titans is a really violent show, especially in its first season, and it’s off-putting. Pretty much every superhero show involves the heroes beating up bad guys; not every superhero show involves the protagonist mutilating someone in the course of a fight.

This is not unthinking hyperviolence. Titans (which is actually annoyingly pretty good about tracking character through action sequences) is trying to make a point: The compounding traumas of Dick’s childhood resulted in an explosion of rage. Batman funneled his anger into Dick; Dick funnels his anger into whatever bad guy he’s fighting. The show isn’t subtle about this idea. Dick says it out loud several times. Nor (after the first fight) does the show endorse Dick’s over-the-top violence. Everyone from Donna Troy to Dick himself remarks on it with, at minimum, concern. And over time, Dick’s fighting style changes; he consciously leaves the hyperviolence behind, until his final fight of season two is primarily evasive.

But Dick is not the only Titans character who is working out his rage on the criminals he apprehends, and the show is considerably less coherent in its tonal approach to other characters’ violence. Hank and Dawn—the masked hero team Hawk and Dove—have an origin story that plays out like the the backstory of a serial killer couple, their interlocking trauma and rage and grief finding expression and acceptance in each other. The show is aware of the dynamic, but it’s not clear that it’s aware of how disturbing it is. Hank and Dawn are, primarily, people who need to cause violence in order to be at peace in their own heads—and only secondarily, people who want to protect others from danger. Season two does do some work exploring this idea, but the exploration is confused by the fact that, in the end, the show wants both of them on the cast.

Which is kind of the problem with any superhero show that sets out to explore the ethics of superheroism—at the end of the day, the characters aren’t gonna retire to Wisconsin, you know? So Titans presents hyperviolence, presents it as problematic (sometimes), presents it as almost an inevitable consequence of traumatized teenagers deciding to pursue vigilante justice... and then builds a superhero team of traumatized teenagers and young adults. As is its basic conceit.

And on a more fundamental level, the hyperviolence just sort of makes the show feel very grim. It’s already an aesthetically dark show, a lot of the time, and then you’ve got people getting mutilated, and Batman’s an asshole and Dick Grayson’s got anger management issues, and it feels like the show’s grimdark. 

I don’t think it is, though. First of all, despite everything, Titans actually has a sense of humor, both in general and occasionally about itself—I mean, it’s not Legends of Tomorrow, but it understands how to crack a smile every now and then. (They have a superdog. He shoots lasers out of his eyes!) But more importantly, at the end of the day, Titans is hopeful. Yeah, it’s a show about anger and violence and intergenerational trauma—but it’s more specifically about moving beyond those things. At its heart, it’s about being a better parent to your children than your parents were to you.

That central relationship between Dick and Rachel—Dick trying, and sometimes failing, but always caring and trying to be better for Rachel, and Rachel’s absolute fury with him when he fails, but her unshakeable devotion to him for being there, the unbelievable amount of sway he holds in her world—that’s what makes the show work for me. There are other vital relationships, too—Rachel and Kory, especially, but also all of the pseudo-familial relationships built up between all of the characters—but it all comes back to Dick and Rachel.

I mean, it’s a found family show. So much so that in season two, there are like, three separate speeches about how this is a family, not one of those stupid biological families, but a family we found, and isn’t that the important kind? And how grimdark can a found family show really be?

The other thing that might throw some people off—but which is actually one of my favorite things about the show—is the structure. If you take a look at the Titans episode list, you’ll see that roughly 75 percent of the episodes are named after a character or characters. Season one of Titans is basically about Dick, Starfire, Gar, and Rachel (Raven from the comics) traveling the midwest, picking up the people who will eventually form the main Titans team. When they encounter those people, they get a spotlight episode. So in episode two, “Hawk and Dove,” when Dick and Rachel lay low at Hank and Dawn’s, the episode starts out with an extended cold open, entirely disconnected from the main characters, just introducing us to Hank and Dawn as characters. Episode eight, “Donna Troy,” sees Dick go to visit his old friend Donna in Milwaukee, and... basically just hang out with her for half the episode, while the rest of the cast does plot stuff. Occasionally, these spotlight episodes stop the plot completely: Towards the end of season one, an episode ends on a cliffhanger. the next episode, rather than showing the outcome of the cliffhanger, is “Hank and Dawn,” an episode that flashes back to show the story of how Hank and Dawn met and became masked heroes. (There’s an in-episode device that eventually makes it clear why this story is related to the cliffhanger.) Season two uses the cliffhanger-into-a-flashback-spotlight-episode structure two more times, once with a character we’ve never met before.

I can see this being deeply frustrating to a viewer watching week-by-week (and I would not recommend watching Titans in that manner). And it’s certainly an unconventional way to structure a season of television. But honestly? I think it’s half of what I like about the show. The spotlight and flashback episodes are good—often some of the best the show’s produced. They don’t stop the plot for no reason; in season two, in particular, they provide context and backstory and characterization in a way that would be almost impossible to do, or to do so well, without the space of a full episode. They make the show more episodic than it would otherwise be—always a joy, in a television landscape full of 10-hour movies—and give it space to experiment with tone and genre. They make the characters richer, and the relationships more complex.

Does it slow down the plot? Absolutely. But Titans is not overflowing with complex plot, and I don’t really think it should try to. The plot of Titans hangs together juuuuuuuust enough to make the themes and characters and relationships work. It’s coherent—we’re not talking Teen Wolf, here—but it’s not brilliant, and honestly, that’s fine by me. But I suppose if you want your plot to be really good, this may not be the show for you.

Finally, I’ll say that Titans, though not what I would call a feminist show (it has a primarily male writing staff and I think it shows) does have a kind of surprisingly large female cast? I wanna say it’s five men, five women, by the end of season two? (Yeah, it’s a fucking enormous cast.) And the women have actual relationships with each other, ones that the show puts some effort into maintaining and remembering. I realize this is damning with faint praise, but honestly I’d just expected a show like Titans to not do that, and was prepared to ignore it, and was kind of pleasantly surprised when I didn’t have to.

In summary: I told my sister that Titans is 10% men in spandex standing on cars, 30% team as family, 30% intergenerational trauma, 20% an uncomfortable relationship with is own hyperviolence, and 10% Krypto the Superdog. I think that tracks. That show, despite having Anna Diop’s glowing presence, has a lot of flaws, but it also really worked for me on some soul-deep level. I am exactly on its wavelength.

I do not think that Titans is a fantastic television show, but I also don’t think it’s a very bad one. I think it’s generally competent show that is very interesting in some aspects, is weak in some areas, falls prey to some inherent trappings of its genre, is thoughtful about familial trauma, is not thoughtful enough about violence and criminal justice, has a lot of very compelling performances, is really poorly lit a lot of the time, pays a lot of attention to its visual language, kind of thinks Batman’s an asshole, and has Krypto the Superdog. It really worked for me; I can see why others might not be into it; it might work for you!

[fisheoctrashdump]

Willow 1-20 e w e

Holiday

She's not a big fan of holidays. Growing up, she didn't really celebrate holidays with her family. She didn't dress up and go trick or treating or get presents on christmas. She learned to hate pretty much every holiday, but her favorite will be Valentine's day. She loves the idea of making chocolates for all the people she loves (both romantically and platonically) and having an excuse to be so full of love for her friends.

Cooking

Willow isn't technically bad at cooking, but she's much better at baking. It's something she enjoys doing a lot, and she feels very fulfilled when she shares her creations with her friends and family. She thrives on compliments for a lot of her ideas and actions, but most of all for baking.

She doesn't have the passion for regular cooking, so most of the time when she cooks she tries to rush through it.

Sleeping

Willow had to learn to be a light sleeper. Noises and lights will keep her awake, so she has to be in total darkness and silence to fall asleep. Movement on or near her bed is also sure to freak her out.

She sleeps completely wrapped in her blankets like a little burrito.

I keep imagining that after she gets used to the Lovelace family and feels comfortable being there, she lets Dobby sleep on her bed ;w;

I also keep thinking about Willow talking softly to Zeron in the dark when she's overthinking and can't sleep. Even if he's sleeping, she feels better after she unloads all of her worries and anxieties, leading to her actually being able to sleep.

Driving

Willow can't drive, actually. (Not just because she's not old enough yet lol)

She has semi frequent syncopal episodes, commonly due to stress and fear. She can't and won't be able to drive because of it.

Bathing/showering

She hates showering and tries to avoid it for as long as possible. She hates looking at her body. It makes her feel sick and uncomfortable. It also has to do with the fact that she can't get motivated to shower as often as she should.

Hugging

She likes hugging others, as long as she is comfortable around them. I think she will very often try to get hugs from bleblesscra, Galatea, and Zeron in the future.

Kissing

Willow feels suffocated when being kissed. It's a psychological thing related to her trauma. I'm not sure when she will feel comfortable enough for mouth kisses, but cheek and forehead kisses are fine owo

Sex

Willow lost her virginity when she was nine. She is still sexually active, but not by choice.

General physical contact

Again, she doesn't mind it as long as it's with someone she's comfortable around. It's very obvious to see Willow flinching away from Erika's seemingly affectionate touch, no matter the circumstances. She probably wouldn't be too comfortable with Arvid touching her, either, but for different reasons. Currently, she is really starved for attention and human contact, and I imagine becoming friends with Zeron will mean Willow looking for any and every excuse to be physically close to him.

Physical appearance

Other than the picrew thing I did for her, here's a few little other things about her appearance

Willow has naturally black hair

She bites her nails, so her fingernails are always short

She chubby ;w;

Wardrobe

She wears a lot of purple, blue, and yellow. She also tries to wear hoodies, high collared shirts, and chokers to cover the hickies on her neck (or at least try to). Doesn't stop people from seeing them and nicknaming her "slut" for it lol

She also tends to wear baggy clothes to conceal her body, and wears more layers than necessary if she knows she's going to be alone with Erika at any point that day.

Jewelry

She doesn't wear a lot of jewelry. She wears chokers as her main accessory, and she really likes snake themed jewelry if she's feeling up to wearing it. (Like rings, necklaces, and earrings)

She will get a vertical labret at some point in the future, and I can also see her getting an industrial piercing of some kind, but I'm not sure exactly what kind yet

Nickname

A nickname I've been crying over for the past weeks is Cupcake. I'm not sure who comes up with it, but the nickname makes Willow incredibly happy, and a lot of her friends and family pick up calling her that nickname (even Arvid.) I've had a few ideas on who comes up with it, and I think either Sacra, Galatea, or Blez? Those three stick out as most likely in my mind, for some reason.

Dancing

Is ice skating kinda like dancing? Lol

Either way, nobody can convince Willow to dance. A shame, cause she would actually be pretty good at it. She feels too self conscious to do so, like everyone would be watching her if she did

Singing

She doesn't sing much. She has a pretty decent voice, but she won't use it often. I imagine Arvid encourages her to sing with him later on because he's a sucker for dramatic duets lol

Anger

She doesn't really get angry. All of her anger is usually converted into sadness, and she's more likely to cry during a stressful event.

Soft spot

Arvid

Cute pokemon things. Especially desserts and plushies.

Snakes/ferrets she like the long bois

Favorite possession

The choker she stole from Arvid. She jokes that she needed it more, especially since she was able to steal it from him so easily (and he didn't notice it was missing for nearly a month)

Favorite photograph

She currently doesn't have one. I'm gonna take a pass on this one, because I'm really not sure.

Relationship with ___

Erika

Willow has a lot of complicated emotions involving Erika

The most prominent being fear. Willow is terrified of Erika and the things she does, not just to her but also to other people. She has a certain level of adoration for Erika, however, because Erika was the only person that pretended to give a damn about Willow for, well, basically as long as she can remember. Erika of course used this to her advantage and broke Willow's spirit with the many horrible things she did to her.

Despite everything, Willow remains obsessed with Erika because she doesn't believe there can be any other way. She is aware that Erika sees her as useless and disposable, but sometimes when Erika is showing her the attention she craves, Willow convinces herself that that is what it means to love someone.

She tries to fight against Erika when they are alone together, but ultimately will lose. It's a common occurrence between them, and some days Willow wonders if fighting back is even worth it.

Erika being removed from her life (in whatever way we decide to go about it) will feel like both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to her. Erika has Willow convinced that they need each other, and working through all the damage and trauma Erika caused her will take a significant amount of time.

Arvid

She feels safe with Arvid. That's the main point of their relationship, is that Willow clings to Arvid for a sense of security.

Initially, Willow felt like she and Arvid had a lot in common. She watched most of the school harass him when she entered middle school, and she understood the feeling. She watched Arvid from a distance, wishing she had the confidence to talk to him, until seventh grade. She finally forced herself to make conversation with Arvid, and hoped for the best.

Getting to know Arvid provided Willow with a lot of relief, also. She had someone she could escape to when she absolutely needed it, and he never pushed her to talk about anything. The more she got to know Arvid, the more she identified with his unspoken feelings of isolation and fear of abandonment.

She realizes she has a crush on Arvid shortly before he starts high school, but having a crush on him causes her so much grief because 1) Arvid is gay, and she knows this and 2) some part of her feels guilty for feeling that way about someone, almost like she's betraying Erika somehow.

Arvid and Willow don't get a chance to hang out as much now that he's in high school, and she's mostly gone back to the way things used to be. Alone and unwanted by her classmates, with no one to escape to.

Galatea

I'm not sure when or how Willow becomes friends with Galatea, but I just imagine their friendship making Willow feel so safe and happy. I'm sure at first the age difference will make her nervous, and she probably won't trust being alone with Galatea no matter what, but I imagine Galatea has very friendly vibes in her own unique way, and because of this Willow warms up to her pretty fast.

In addition to always trying to impress Arvid, Willow will also try to impress Galatea almost constantly. She will also often give Galatea gifts.

Something else I've considered for their relationship is Willow having a crush on Galatea, but not like in the way Razi does or in the way Arvid and Fel have a crush on Chuck.

Because of her past experience with her relationship with Erika, I imagine Willow being very confused about how she feels for Galatea. The only older sister figure in her life before now made Willow feel like her emotions didn't matter unless there was sex involved. With Galatea, Willow will feel as though at some point to keep her around, she has to do the same as she did with Erika before. Hopefully by this time, Willow will be in therapy and be able to figure out how to ensure her relationship with Galatea remains a healthy one.

Bonus random things I thought of/info I wanna share ;w;

Arvid leaning in to Willow for their first kiss and Willow immediately passing out (kinda funny when you think about it but also :( )

Willow is nonbinary, but she doesn't have specific pronouns. Most people just use she/her and she's fine with that

Her favorite color has been purple pretty much her whole life. She didn't consider blue a favorite color until she met Arvid

Willow enjoys a variety of different music genres. 2000's - 2010's pop is the one she enjoys most, but all her favorite bands belong to different genres (Like Simple Plan, Mindless Self Indulgence, Hey Violet, Halestorm, and NF)

The scenario you came up with Willow asking Zeron to give her a mohawk will be canon (at some point after they meet, probably also after she is adopted)

She has a suicide note saved that she intends to give to Arvid, because she knows he's the only one who would care enough to know her final thoughts

[fasterthanmydemons]

Headcanons: Pietro’s Right Hand/Arm

Okay, so here’s a big ball of random headcanons that will apply for my version of Pietro on this blog, and they have to do with his right hand... its health, history of injuries, and why he always keeps it a lot more gloved than his left hand. This is an idea first brought to my attention by a question from @cinnamonspoon23​​ that I somewhat began to answer in this post, but will also build on ideas I mentioned in this meta post about the twins’ experiments with Hydra. I also did some Google searching on the topic and found this interesting page where someone else attempted to explain what was going on as well. And finally, doing a bit of discussing, brainstorming, headcanoning, supposing, and guessing with @edenwander​​ resulted in me being so fascinated with this topic that I knew I needed to add this to my Pietro muse and have it be a part of his character from now on. Now that all those credits and references are out of the way, let me now detail what headcanons I will be using for my version of Pietro on this blog regarding his right hand (and sometimes arm), why he has tremors in it, why he keeps his hand covered, and why he is often seen with it a lot more covered than his left hand.

Below cut because LONG.

Overall upshot of this set of headcanons: Pietro has nerve damage in his right arm and hand that results in tremors that sometimes go all the way up his arm but more commonly involve his hand. This nerve damage is the result of several traumas, both physical and psychological, that have contributed both to the physical nerve damage ailment and its tremor symptoms. His hand is also scarred from some of the same things that contributed to the nerve damage. He wears gloves, bandages, etc. on his right hand to not only cover the scars but also to minimize the tremors. Compression gloves also help relieve pain and throbbing from excessive use of his hand during training, battles, etc.

I am referring to the tremors that can be seen here (you can also see his arm muscles spasming as well if you look close):

And I’ll be talking about why he is always seen with an extra glove or bandage on his right hand vs. his left, like in these scenes:

The easiest way to handle this huge ball of headcanons is to just go chronologically, so I’m going to describe all of the physical, chemical, and psychological contributors to Pietro’s hand/arm tremors and nerve damage, and then what he does to cover/hide/deal with it. 

HIS PARENTS’ DEATHS

Aside from this being an incredibly stressful and traumatic event for Pietro for a lot of reasons (losing his parents, literally getting a bomb dropped on his house, seeing his sister so upset and scared, being trapped under rubble for two days, fearing a nearby bomb might explode any second), there were chemical and physical injury aspects of this event that were the start of the woes for Pietro’s right hand and arm. First, lemme go into some background about what their apartment building might have been made of and about a condition called manganism...

Manganese is a naturally-occurring metal in the environment and it is an essential nutrient that people need to survive. Usually humans get it through food or water, depending on where they live, but sometimes there is the chance for being exposed to too much of this metal. Exposure to levels orders of magnitude higher than what is necessary for survival, can be very harmful and result in manganese toxicity and manganism. Manganism is the name of a syndrome that occurs as a result of prolonged high exposure to manganese metal. This can occur either by drinking contaminated water or by inhaling dust or other particulate matter containing manganese. Symptoms of manganism include: permanent nerve damage, tremors in extremities, trouble concentrating, irritability, aggressiveness, and hallucinations. As it turns out, young children are more susceptible to manganese poisoning than adults, because their smaller body weight results in greater dosing per pound/kilogram, and because they are more sensitive to poisoning via inhalation exposure. I believe that Pietro suffers from the effects of manganism as a result of acute toxicity caused by inhaling manganese-laden dust when his apartment building was bombed. If you would like to read more about manganese, toxicity effects, and manganism, you can read this report here.

Manganese is used in building materials. It is often alloyed with other metals (iron, copper, etc.) and can decrease brittleness in steel in the right amounts. It is also used in brick-baking processes in which brick material is coated in a manganese-laden substance and baked at high temperatures to strengthen the material. Manganese is also far cheaper a metal to buy and use than copper and a lot of other types of metals that might be used in building alloys, bricks, and other building materials, making it an attractive option for a country with a struggling economy, like Sokovia. It is possible that Pietro’s building was unfortunately made of materials that contained too much manganese. This would make the cost of the building materials much lower, but it would also mess with the structural integrity of the building, making its components much too soft. So not only would something like a bomb decimate a building made from these types of soft materials, it but those materials would also crumble into dust a lot more easily than others.

Alright, slight detour here to explain why Pietro would have been exposed to manganese-laden dust but not Wanda if they were both trapped under rubble together for two days. To explain this, I need to explain a few headcanons for my version of Wanda. Wanda is smaller than Pietro by a lot, both in body type and height. She was also born twelve minutes later than him. Unless there’s some sort of problem or there is a reason why doctors might be trying to keep one twin in the womb while one is born prematurely, that’s a decent amount of time for Wanda to wait to pop out, heh. Once the water breaks, there can be oxygen issues for the twin left inside the womb if they can’t breathe.

Anyway, I headcanon that Wanda took so long to come out because she wasn’t quite ready yet. Very often with twins, especially fraternal ones, one twin might be “weaker” than the other. In my version of the twins, Wanda is the “weaker” one, being smaller and somewhat more fragile in health than her brother. A result of this was respiratory distress, because her lungs were not as developed when she was born. As an infant she had lung ailments that were life-threatening, and as a young child she was pre-asthmatic, not quite having asthma but often wheezing if upset or frightened or having trouble breathing if she got something like a cold or the flu. Bronchitis and pneumonia were also problems of hers when she was little. Wanda fortunately outgrew these setbacks, and by the time she was a teenager, her health issues pretty much disappeared.

Okay now back to Pietro and Wanda being stuck in rubble in the remains of their apartment building. Pietro knows that his sister has lung issues, and he’s very conscious of that and protective of her. So one of his first thoughts when trapped under that bed in their apartment was that there was so much dust in the air that he was breathing in... and if he was breathing it in, then so was Wanda. So he had the forethought to tell her to cover her nose and mouth with his shirt to prevent her from breathing in dust that might make her sick. It was a simple decision by a child trying to protect his sibling, and surely he didn’t understand all that he was actually protecting her from by doing that, and maybe he overestimate his own ability to deal with the dust since he didn’t bother to cover his own nose and mouth. He figured well, I don’t have lung problems, so I’ll be fine. It didn’t really occur to him that there might be bad things in the dust that could make anybody sick, not just someone who was already compromised like Wanda. So for two days, Pietro was breathing in toxic dust laden with high levels of manganese... among other things, while Wanda was breathing through the filter of her brother’s shirt, which would have blocked the majority of particulates.

Manganism was only the beginning of Pietro’s issues with his hand and arm, however, and physical damage did occur during those days in addition to chemical exposure. To help keep her still and to comfort her, Pietro held his sister with his right arm while keeping his left arm free in case he needed to support collapsing rubble to protect her. Because they were laying down in a tight space, his right arm frequently fell asleep underneath Wanda for hours at a time. He didn’t think anything of it, but all that poor circulation was terrible for his muscle tissue. To compound things, when the twins were finally extracted from the rubble, Pietro did not bother to gingerly move his right arm first to get the feeling back or to make sure that he had proper range of motion with it. Nope, he just went ahead and moved it full force. The result was a sharp, tearing feeling that ran from the center of his hand, through his wrist, and up his arm to his elbow. Since that time, he’s had transient numbness in his right hand.

BECOMING AN ORPHAN

Living on the streets was rough for the twins. Pietro was constantly vigilant in protecting Wanda and, with his developing swiftness (remember, my twins are mutants, so their powers began before Hydra’s experiments), he often stole things like food and clothing for him and Wanda. Fights with people who either bothered Wanda or didn’t like that the twins were around were a thing, and Pietro didn’t pull any punches, literally. Being right-handed, he punched a lot more often with his right hand than his left, even though he had developed tremors from the manganism and had lingering numbness, pain, and/or throbbing in his hand from the nerve damage and tearing injury. Impact from fighting exacerbated his already existing conditions in his hand and arm, and resulted in cuts and bruises, but that wasn’t the worst thing that happened to his hand during this time of his life.

One day, while attempting to steal something, Pietro miscalculated and was caught. He was able to escape, but not before the shop owner stabbed his right hand with a pocket knife in an attempt to pin it to a table and stop him from running away. Without proper medical attention and because he tried to play the wound off as nothing too bad so Wanda wouldn’t be upset, Pietro ended up with a massive infection in his hand that resulted in some tissue death and almost the loss of his thumb and forefinger. Luckily for him, the infection eventually cleared up on its own, but not before the back of his hand and his thumb and forefinger were badly scarred by it. This scar tissue further limited movement, making Pietro’s already damaged hand stiff and less mobile. It frustrated him, and so there have been plenty of times since then that he has forced his hand to move in certain ways out of that sheer frustration, as if merely forcing it to be able to move a certain way would fix the problem. Instances of him being angry at his own hand for not just “being normal” have resulted in a lot of pain and swelling, as well as the tremors increasing due to stress.

HYDRA EXPERIMENTATION

Hydra completely compounded everything that was wrong with Pietro’s hand and arm in two big ways: physical and psychological.

Physically... where they decided to stick the IV injection port was unfortunate for him. Both Wanda and Pietro had IV ports placed in their right hands, something I discuss in this meta. And actually, the psychological issues I’m going to mention were also brought up in that same post. Anyway... Pietro reacted very poorly to having a semi-permanent port put in his hand, and I don’t mean that he got angry or upset... even though he did. I mean his body didn’t react well. He had a reaction, possibly allergic in nature, to the type of plastic and adhesive used for the port and to secure in his hand, and this reaction resulted in swelling and a large hematoma (blood that collects outside of blood vessels where it’s supposed to be) inside his hand. The blood spread in and around already existing scar tissue, serving to only exacerbate the existing tissue problems that he already had. To relieve the pressure on his nerves, minor surgery was required to drain the hematoma and correct the issues with the port.

With the stress of his happening to a hand that was already so compromised combined with just the stress of being there in the Hydra lab in a controlled and often abusive environment and being confined to a tiny little cell when he has a compulsion and a deep-seated need to move a lot and fast, Pietro began to suffer psychologically. Already under a lot of psychological stress because of so many other events in his life, he now had a whole new set of problems that compounded everything, resulting in violent and reckless behavior, such as slamming himself into the walls of his cell because he needs to move around no matter what. The psychological stress of his situation, further potential injury to his hand as he slams himself around in his room, and potentially even injuries to his spine or head, however temporary and about to be healed they may be, all could have increased the severity and/or frequency of the tremors that began with earlier problems in his life.

ULTRON AND BEYOND

By the time Pietro is set free in Age of Ultron, he’s wearing gloves on his right hand to hide his scars and to compress his hand a bit to reduce pain and tremors. His gloves both before and after he teams up with the Avengers cover the back and palm of his right hand and extend downward to further hide the scarring of his thumb and forefinger (see pics above).

Pietro hides his tremors as well as he can, often pressing his hand to his leg to keep it still at his side or hiding it if it’s shaking a lot while switching to his left hand to perform a task he can’t do with a trembling one. When fighting, he tends not to care, continuing to use his compromised hand, but during everyday tasks he tries his best to hide that anything is wrong, especially from Wanda. He doesn’t want to worry his sister, and he’s afraid that she’ll feel responsible in part for his condition, because some of it was caused by holding her in the rubble as children and she was most of the decision-making behind volunteering for the Hydra experiments.

Also, Pietro does not like to appear weak, damaged, or feeble in any way, and very often he can get insulted by people who show him any sympathy because he assumes they’re patronizing him. So rather than risking any of that or having to explain why his hand and arm sometimes shake or where his scars came from, Pietro prefers to cover and hide the problem. When he is alone, however, like after a shower or something, he’ll something look at his hand in great detail and stretch it out as he ponders it. It bugs him, having what he considers an obvious flaw and a sign that he’s inferior to others in some way. It’s a definite chink in the armor of an otherwise strong ego.

Pietro often has stinging pain shooting up his arm or a throbbing feeling in his wrist and hand. Sometimes his hand hurts, but other times it is numb and cold, especially in his two worst fingers. And of course there are the tremors. All of those symptoms are due to nerve damage from injuries and manganese poisoning. Opening it fully or closing his fist is sometimes difficult without forcing it because there is a great deal of tightness from the scar tissue. Besides holding something with his hand to make the tremors stop or wearing compression gloves, in times of stress that exacerbate his condition, Pietro will fold his arms to hide the involuntary movements of his arm and hand. As I mentioned above, I also headcanon that some of his concentration issues, irritability, and aggression may also be attributed to the last effects of manganism.

Alright, I think that about does it! So this will be canon now for my Pietro, but again, because he hides it from pretty much everyone, it isn’t like it’ll be mentioned a lot. If you want your muse to notice his tremors of catch him without his glove on, we can definitely do a thing. Otherwise, it will likely not change too much in already existing threads.

[letsflytoasiarenata]

The amount of emotional impact these two mere episodes had on me is really something. I was ready for a dark and angsty sageuk, I craved it, to be honest, and I got it with abundance. However, I wasn't prepared for a tsunami of angst and pain from the get-go. The drama swept me off my feet with its poignancy and intensity. They went all the way down to the dark side of not only politics, social injustice with all these ranks, statuses but also in the deepest dark corners of human’s soul. Betrayals, backstabbing, wrong decisions, ambitions, traumas that ruin lives - all of that really moves the viewer. 

Somehow the creators managed to give us enough information about characters’ background, they showed us what they love and what they fear - all in only two episodes. All of that made us care about and feel for the characters. Which lead to an immediate emotional involvement that kinda ties you to this drama, making you count days till the new eps. 

And now a bit about character and actors

Woo Do Hwan how dare you to look that way! Attacked, offended, suing. I was really trying to figure out what is silkier - his lilac attires, his hair or his voice? Damn it, man, put a warning sign on yourself or something. I know that he’s a handsome guy, but I was super chill during the great seducer watching, but now it really hit me. I blame long hair and historical entourage, I’m trash for that.

He’s so wonderful at portraying tortured soul that Seon Ho is. Skilled at martial arts, intelligent, courteous, ambitious, confident, he is traumatized to his core. He’s a bastard, an unwanted child whose mother was a slave and father is a nobleman for whom Seon Ho is just a fill-in after his firstborn had passed away. He always has to prove himself, be the best to survive and to have hope for that someday when no one would question his status. During these two episodes he turned from a lively young man into a ticking bomb. His trauma now is surrounded by toxic resentment towards himself, father, the world that made him do so many horrible things. The guilt will never let him be in peace with himself. Because even though his dark side is taking over him little by little, deep down he will always care about Seo Hwi, hating himself for that betrayal.

Seo Hwi is my baby. All he wanted was just to make living by serving his country and make sure her sister is being well and happy. I can’t imagine what it felt like when he learned about that Seon Ho betrayed him not once but twice. It’s always scary when innocent people are being framed and have to suffer like that. But when the reason for one's sufferings is someone close - it’s terrifying and soul crashing. This innocent, hardworking and kindhearted guy lost everything: his family, his dream, his love, his friend, his innocence and faith in humanity. People brake after that, but behind that puppy expression and shy smile, a warrior is hiding. The one that will never give up, who will go lengths to reach his goal and avenge. I’m really looking forward to seeing how Seo Hwi will become a powerful and badass warrior.

Hui Jee is a pleasant surprise of this drama, just like Seolhyun’s acting. I’ve never seen her in drama, but I heard a lot of bad things about her acting and I was bracing myself. However, her acting turned out to be very decent and it’s such a relief. As for her character we have a refreshingly tough, smart, composed young woman who’s full of determination. She’s navigating through her life alone, being a gisaeng trainee, after witnessing the murder of her mother. However, in that hopeless and loveless place, she meets Seo Hwi - the son of a man who saved her. Hui Jee immediately understands that it’s fate and doesn’t resist fast blooming feeling between her and Seo Hwi. You all know how much I hate undeveloped romances with no base to it. Somehow this time it worked for me. Maybe it’s all because these two episodes revealed so much about the characters that they don’t seem one dimensional, so you feel the whole intensity and depth better.

The scenery is beautiful with all the beautiful shots of the sky with floating kites and lanterns, green mountains, waterfalls. But it’s naturally beautiful without saturated colours and any artificial and fake feeling to it. Everything is beautiful yet the air is somehow soaked in the feeling of sadness and despair. The doom is palpable. This atmosphere is wonderfully accompanied with beautiful instrumentals and osts (expect that rock tune, it’s really out of place) that complete the picture and adds to the overall mood.

Intense and fast-developing, this drama just throws events and situations in your face and it’s like DEAL WITH IT. And I don’t mind that. I’m ready to clutch my heart, gasp and make whale noises while watching this drama. I hope My Country will give us some special experience and emotions.

[seeaddywrite]

not by blood, but by choice

a/n: ugh, okay, so technically this was started as a response to the Day 2 prompt for Roswell New Mexico Week 2019, which was family, but i am the worst at adhering to deadlines. 4k of this was written yesterday, but I COULDN’T GET IT TO END.

thanks to @soberqueerinthewild, as always, for listening to me whine & letting me borrow her idea of Isobel taking self-defense classes! 

right. Max + Malex fic, set six months post-finale. 

“So, Isobel is where, again?” Michael asks, his elbows on Max’s kitchen counter to either side of a full plate. Max is damn good at using the grill on his patio, and Michael���s never one to pass up free food. If he’d known that it would end up just being himself, his brother, and his newly official boyfriend, however, he’s not so sure he would have accepted the invitation. 

It’s not that Michael hates spending time with Max. He really doesn’t, anymore, not since the other man died. Six months of sharp-edged grief and directionless anger over the actions of a dead man had been awful, and Michael can’t pretend that he’s not glad to have his brother’s steadying presence back in his head. They’ve been spending more time together in the three weeks since Max has been back, usually involving food and shitty television, and, most importantly, Isobel’s presence as a buffer. He and Max don’t know how to spend uncomplicated, unplanned time together anymore, even after the residual anger and bitterness between them fades, and Alex’s presence seems to have made the awkwardness worse. 

And that shouldn’t be a surprise, shouldn’t be the smack in the face that it is, because Michael has known since before Max’s death that he thinks Michael should let Alex go to focus on a future in which he can be happy, as if a relationship with Alex can never be more than a reminder of the tragedies in their shared pasts. And Michael’s pretty sure that there’s a little bit of discomfort at the idea of Michael with a man, too, and he doesn’t want to touch that particular idiocy with a ten-foot pole. He’s pretty sure Max won’t make it out of that conversation in one piece, and Michael doesn’t want Isobel and Liz on his ass for killing him again when they’d only just gotten him back. 

“Self-defense class,” Max says with a small sigh, glancing at Alex like he’s not sure how much he can say about the matter in front of him, despite the fact that he’s been involved in every step of the work to bring Max back and protect them all from the long-reaching arm of Project Shepherd. “She’s a little . . . focused.” 

Michael picks up what Max isn’t saying without any mental prodding, and he drops a hand from the counter to Alex’s good knee, squeezing for his own, selfish comfort. He gets a reassuring smile for his troubles, and Michael takes a moment to revel in how lucky he is that Alex was willing to give him another chance after every stupid fucking thing he’s done in the last year: dating Maria, trying to hide from his grief at the bottom of a bottle, and swinging first and asking questions later. Alex had been the one to drag him out of his self-imposed exile and help him to realize that Isobel needed someone, too, so he understands the worry Michael feels better than most anyone could. 

Michael would like to think that he’d pulled himself together enough to be there for his sister, but no amount of support had been enough to heal the gaping wounds Noah left in her soul. Max’s return helped, and her obsessive need to become more powerful has definitely eased in the past few weeks. She’s no longer practicing mind control on random passers-by, and she’s done blowing things up just because she can, a fact for which the entire town should be grateful. But Michael knows, just as Max does, that their sister is far from fine. Her laser focus has been turned from expanding her supernatural powers to physical self-defense now that Max is back with them, and it might be better for their anonymity, but no one is convinced that it’s better for Isobel. 

“She’s been through a lot,” Alex says, his voice level as he cuts through the moment of tension with his usual affability. He’s been eating steadily, and is sitting comfortably on one of the tall stools surrounding the kitchen counter, no hint of uncertainty in his posture, but Michael knows better. He’d asked at least three times on their way to Max’s if Michael was sure that he’d be welcome, and when he realized that Isobel wasn’t coming, the grip on Michael’s fingers had tightened to an almost painful degree. Even now, when Max lifts his chin and gives Alex a look, there’s an undeniable tension in the muscles beneath Michael’s hand. 

But Alex isn’t intimidated by Max. He wants to get along with him, Michael thinks, because they share all of the same friends and loved ones, and are at least tangentially family, which means more to Alex than most people would be able to understand. That doesn’t mean he’s going to back down and show his throat, though, or let Max run roughshod over his opinions. Max doesn’t seem quite sure how to handle that; he’s been running the show to keep the three aliens safe for their entire lives, and Michael suspects he’s having a hard time adjusting to the fact that others had become just as involved in that goal while he was gone. But Alex is good at plans and strategies in a way that Max isn’t, and has more personal experience with trauma and healing than Michael cares to think about. His understanding of Isobel’s actions carry weight, whether Max wants to admit it or not. 

 “No matter why she’s doing it, self-defense isn’t a bad way to help her build some confidence,” Alex continues, meeting Max’s gaze calmly across the table. “She’s got an expert teacher and other people in the class to make sure she doesn’t take it too far. It’s as safe as anything like that can be -- and I think we’d all rather she took out her frustrations on a punching bag instead of people. I really don’t think you need to worry about her; she’s just looking for a way to feel safe in her own skin again.”

They’ve talked about this before, Alex and Michael. It’s always been after nightmares of being forced to put Isobel’s body in a pod next to Max’s, or watching her being dragged away by scientists who caught her using her powers in obvious ways during her more reckless moments. It’s been Alex who’s gathered him close in the middle of the night and whispered reassurances and explained that recovery from trauma doesn’t always seem right or healthy to others, but Isobel has to learn to stand on her own again without interference from her friends and family. She has to learn what it means not to depend on anyone after years of leaning on Noah and his reputation to make a life for herself. Michael doesn’t pretend to understand, but he’s promised Alex -- and Isobel herself -- to give her some time and space to try. 

But Max has only been up and moving for three weeks, and he’s too mired in the guilt of sending his sister into such a tailspin to realize that he’s not doing her any favors by trying to smother her. But that’s Max; he’s always been too ready to do whatever it takes to protect them, no matter what the cost. That’s how they ended up covering up a murder and carrying that burden by themselves for over a decade. It’s why his friendship with Michael crumbled around them. It’s why he can never really feel safe -- and Michael’s tired of watching the same thing happen, again and again.

Max stabs a piece of chicken with a bit more violence than strictly necessary, but doesn’t make any move to eat it. “I’ve been worrying about Isobel since she fell out of her pod and into my arms when we were seven,” he says coldly. At some point, he’s shifted to sit up straighter in his chair, and crossed his arms over his chest while he stares, narrow-eyed, across the table at Alex. “She’s never had any interest in self-defense before. A taser and influencing minds has always been enough for her. So even if I could stop worrying, I wouldn’t, because my sister is off the rails, and she needs help. And for the record? The fact that you’re dating Michael now does not give you the right to tell me how to be there for my family.”

There’s a moment of stunned silence from all parties as the electricity in the room flickers and Max battles with himself to rein his powers back in. He seems just as shocked as the others about the words that have escaped his mouth, and Michael can’t quite wrap his head around the speed with which the conversation escalated. He gapes openly at Max, his blood on a slow boil. Who the hell does he think he is? Alex has been building a friendship with Isobel for half a year, while Max was gone. He’s listened to her cry, and even helped her find a decent self-defense class. Alex has been there for her, and for everyone else, while Max abandoned them for a moment of heroism that left them all fucking reeling -- and he’s going there? With Alex, who’d only been trying to help? Fuck no. 

“I’m sorry.” Max swallows heavily, his eyes sliding closed for a minute. The apology gives Michael the moment he needs to press pause on his impending explosion, and Alex looks genuinely poleaxed by the unexpected words. He’d been bracing for a blow-up, Michael realizes, taking in the challenging tilt to his chin and the glint of banked fire in his eyes. 

“That wasn’t -- I’m not --” Max trails off, running the palm of his hand over his face before opening his eyes and directing his words to both of them. “I don’t have the right to talk to you that way, Alex, and I should know better, by now, than to let my temper get the best of me.” He glances wryly toward Michael, who just raises an eyebrow, waiting. 

Alex doesn’t share Michael’s patience for whatever comes next. He pushes his plate off to the side of the table and leans forward, his expression inscrutable, but Michael can read the uncertainty in the tilt of his eyebrows and the tight line of his lips. He nudges his boyfriend’s knee with his own, trying to get him to look over, but Alex is focused on Max. 

“I know that you’ve been protecting them for most of your lives,” he says quietly, a strange solemnity in his voice that makes Michael want to wrap an arm around his shoulders and pull him into his side. Family is a difficult concept for Alex; he’s never had anyone willing to protect him from his father of any of the rest of life’s cruelties. And while Michael’s always wished for something more than Max and Isobel, someone more, he knows that he’s damn lucky to have them. Alex knows it, too, and is trying to meet Max halfway, which is more than Michael would have ever asked of him. 

“You’re family, and I respect that. I’m not trying to tell you how to support Isobel, or to pretend that she’s doing fine when we all know better. I’ve just been where she’s been, at least a little.” Alex hesitates, and in a moment of prescience, Michael can tell what he’s about to say and opens his mouth to stop him, to tell him that he doesn’t need to reopen his own wounds just because Max is bleeding all over him. But before he gets the chance, Alex plows forward, as unfailingly brave as he’s always been. “Someone who was supposed to love me hurt me, too. It’s not the same, and I’m not naive enough to think I know exactly what she’s going through. But I do know that after something like that? After betrayal and feeling so completely out of control of your own life? It takes time to feel comfortable in your own skin again. Time, space, and support from people who love you.” 

Michael tangles his fingers with Alex’s, and soaks up the small smile he gets in return. If Max is anything but understanding and kind in the face of such an emotionally honest confession, not even the threat of Liz’s temper tantrum is going to stop him from punching his brother in the fucking face. Alex doesn’t often talk about his father, and Michael can count on one hand the amount of times he’s heard him admit that he needed help to begin healing the wounds left by years of abuse and unfounded hatred. If Max rewards that honesty with callous words or cruelty, Michael doesn’t care what their connection is -- Alex is his family, too, and doesn’t have many other people to protect him. That’s Michael’s job, and one he takes damn seriously. 

Thankfully, Max only nods slowly. There’s no way to be sure of what he already knows about Alex’s father, or the real reasons he went to war, but there’s a glimmer of understanding in his eyes that tells Michael he knows enough to tread carefully. “It turns out I’m not so great at protecting anyone,” he says dryly, worrying at his lower lip with his teeth. “Or taking good advice, apparently. I really am sorry -- you’re right. I need to let Isobel come to me, if that’s what she wants. It’s just harder than I expected, after all this time.” His smile is a sad, resigned thing, and Michael is irritated that it gets to him. Max deserves to feel some guilt and regret for what he’s done, and even if his death isn’t the cause of all of Isobel’s trauma, he needs to own the fact that he fucked up. 

Michael does his best to squash the thought. They haven’t talked about the moments leading up to Max’s death, or how any of them feel about it -- the three of them have simply slapped a bandage over the bleeding wound and done their best not to poke at it. Michael knows it won’t last forever; eventually, he’s going to lose it and tell Max exactly how much damage he’s done to all of them, not just Isobel, with his stupid stunt. He’s got plenty to answer for, and part of Michael wants to point it out, to bellow that he didn’t seem to care so much about protecting them when he was resurrecting Rosa Ortecho, that maybe he should have thought about how Isobel might feel -- but he doesn’t. This isn’t the time, not with so much already going on around them. 

Alex shakes his head, but some of the tension has dissipated from his face. “You don’t have to apologize. I get it. It’s hard to take advice from people you don’t really trust, and I know I don’t have yours, yet. But I really do just want to help, in whatever way I can. You might not think he and I are good for each other, but Michael’s the only family I’ve got, and you and Isobel are his, so . . .” he trails off, looking uncomfortable while trying to navigate complex emotions. Talking about how he feels and his own motivations is never going to be easy for Alex, even though he and Michael have gotten better at it is as they restarted their relationship. 

It’s hard to watch him push through the explanation, but Michael doesn’t jump in and try to help. He knows better; Alex is perfectly capable of expressing himself, and won’t appreciate an attempted subject change, no matter how awkward this one is. He shifts restlessly on the stool and kicks at the bottom of the counter in an effort to distract himself. The knowledge that Max doesn’t think the two of them should be together has weighed on Alex since Michael told him the story of how his hand was healed, and he knows that it’s better to get it all out in the open now, because if he has any say in the matter, Alex is sticking around for the rest of their lives. And if it helps him, or Max, to air their grievances, then Michael can deal with it. 

“What?” Max is staring at Alex, his expression twisted into obvious confusion. “Why would you think that?” There’s an obvious glimmer of hurt in the depths of his eyes that Michael doubts Alex can see. Max doesn’t usually bother to hide his emotions from his family, but with others, he tends to make more of an effort. “I’m not going to pretend that I know you very well, but I don’t have a problem with the two of you being together. I don’t know what Michael’s been telling you, but I’m not actually a bigot.”

“Max,” Michael interrupts, rolling his eyes. “He’s not calling you a fucking homophobe, relax. I told him about what you said before you --” he waves a hand, still uncomfortable with blurting out the word ‘died’ in reference to his brother. Isobel had taken to using the word as a weapon, wielding it viciously every time Max tried to convince her to give up her relentless pursuit of power and self-confidence, every time his protective instincts became smothering and hard for her to deal with, but Michael can’t quite bring himself to do the same. Not when it’s still so fresh in his mind, and Max’s, too. 

Alex nods, for the first time looking uncomfortable. “It makes sense. I know that I haven’t been the most reliable person for Michael, so I understand that you might not want to listen to what I have to say about Isobel, but -” 

“Wait, wait, hold on a second,” Max interjects, directing his bewildered stare at Michael. “What did I say? I remember -- I remember the lightning, and killing Noah, but everything gets hazy, after that.” There’s a far-off look in his eyes as he struggles to put the pieces together, and Michael shifts on his stool and eventually stands, restless energy crawling beneath his skin.  He’s recounted that night’s events for Alex, and for Liz, later, but this is the first time the subject has been broached with Max. It’s a hundred times worse; every word feels fraught with tension and buried emotion, and Michael doesn’t want this to escalate into a real fight. 

He can feel Alex’s eyes on him and knows that he’s going to have to answer, if only because Alex doesn’t have all of the details, and groans. This conversation feels like peeling a scab off of a nearly-healed wound, and it hurts, but Michael can’t bring himself to stalk off and ignore it any longer. They need to talk about this, to get it all out in the open, and Michael refuses to restart a decade-long habit of storming off when he and Max argue. The two of them are damned good at hurting each other, at leaving when things get hard, but Isobel isn’t in a place to bring them back together, anymore. And call him selfish, but Michael has enjoyed having his brother back, these past three weeks. Things have been good between them, and losing that over something that Max doesn’t even remember clearly would be fucking stupid. Michael might be frustrated, might feel like shaking Max until his brain rattles around in his skull, but he’s still Michael’s family, and that’s so rare that he won’t entertain the idea of losing it again because of death or stupid arguments. 

So he stops the restless pacing around the kitchen just behind Alex’s shoulder and flexes his newly-healed hand in pointed reminder of the conversation in the cave that Max can’t recall.   He’s not ashamed to admit that he takes a little takes petty, vindictive pleasure in the way that Max flinches — he’s not awful enough to want Max to hurt, but Michael wants to make damn sure he remembers, the next time he’s hyped up on power and thinks he can play God, that’s never okay to irrevocably change someone’s body without their fucking explicit consent, even if he’s sure it’ll be an improvement. 

“You said to leave the past behind and look forward,” he says, and if the words drip with accusation, Michael thinks it’s justified. That had fucked him up, for a while. Those words had gotten in his head and under his skin, and burrowed even deeper when Isobel agreed with them -- and he and Alex had lost months while Michael tried to follow their advice with Maria. “You wanted to get rid of my reminder.” Again, he flexes fingers that had been stiff and numb for the last decade, this time without really thinking about it. “And Isobel agreed, afterward, so --”

“You thought that meant I was telling you to give up on Alex?” Max interrupts abruptly, and Michael doesn’t understand the incredulousness in his voice. What the hell else could he have meant? But Max is staring at him, brows drawn and mouth open, and for a split second, Michael wishes that he could read the other man’s mind with Isobel’s ease. It’d be nice to know what Max is thinking, if only to get him to stop staring at Michael that way. 

“Let me get this straight,” Max says finally breaking the tense silence as he pushes away from the counter to stand. He runs his fingers through his short hair in a move that Michael recognizes from years of post-drunken brawl confrontations -- it’s the frustrated gesture that comes right before the agitated pacing in front of holding cell in the Sheriff’s office. With the pacing comes the ‘I’m so disappointed in you’ face that, despite all of Michael’s determination not to give a shit, always makes him feel a tug of guilt in the pit of his stomach. “You have never once listened to me before, about anything, and that’s where you decide to start?” 

Sure enough, the predicted pacing starts a second later, and Michael’s eyes narrow, his temper flaring hot and powerful in his chest. He’s glad Max isn’t dead, and he won’t deny it, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to start listening to the same old bullshit, especially when he hasn’t done anything wrong. 

“Do you need me to participate in this conversation, or is this where I’m supposed to shut up and listen to daddy like a good little boy?” Michael asks acerbically, his expression twisting into something bitter. “Fuck off, Max. I’ve listened to you before, and you know it. You’re the one who said anything to keep the secret, remember? Last I checked, I’ve been following your lead on that for years, even when it meant letting Isobel think I was a goddamn murderer!” His hands are clenched into fists at his sides, and Michael deliberately pushes away from Alex and the table in case things get ugly. 

He’s ready and braced for a fight. Part of him is even looking forward to it; Michael’s still got a hell of a lot of anger where Max is concerned, most of it centered around the fact that he’d done exactly what Isobel and Michael had warned him not to. He’d decided he was a freaking deity and sacrificed himself, leaving them torn apart and bleeding when they needed him. Michael’s hand, the fiasco with Noah, ten years of resentment — Michael’s practically salivating for a chance to swing at Max. Maybe then the restlessness that’s been crawling beneath his skin, making him unpredictable and reckless since Max’s death will finally be appeased. Maybe he’ll be able to let it all go, afterward, and function normally, like’s supposed to. 

Max doesn’t give him the chance to find out. His reply is strangely even, tinged with regret and something Michael can’t get a read on without pushing into his head. “I’m a lot of things, Michael, and we both know that not all of them are good, but I’d like to think I’m not that much of a hypocrite.”

It’s Alex who frowns and asks, “What do you mean?” when Michael just stares, still balancing precariously on the razor-thin line between cold silence and an explosion of temper. The wind’s been taken from his sails, though, and he wants to hear the answer to Alex’s question, so he says nothing.

Dark eyes glance between them, and Max huffs a disbelieving laugh and shakes his head. “Come on. Think about it. I should have given up on Liz a long, long time ago. If all I cared about was hiding the truth about what we are, I would never have gotten close enough to fall in love with her -- and I definitely wouldn’t have told her the truth when she came back, especially not after what happened to Rosa. Everytime we got closer, something awful happened, and it hurt both of us. And being with her now, it’s still like dangling from a cliff.” 

There’s a fond nostalgia in the way he speaks, like he’s repeating words from Liz’s mouth with the incredulity of someone who still can’t quite believe he got the girl. “It’s not safe. It’s not easy. Every minute with Liz is like this incredible adrenaline rush, and I’m always wondering what’s going to happen when I finally crash, but I wouldn’t give her up for anything. Not even when Isobel begged me to find someone else. I knew that I couldn’t.” 

Max looks from Michael’s face to Alex’s, and the slightest hints of a smile tweak the corners of his lips. “So I’d say it’d be pretty damn hypocritical of me to tell you to give up the love of your life when I’m not willing to do the same.” Max’s tall, broad body sags back against the kitchen wall, and he tips his head back against the panelling, staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t remember that night very well. Just feeling invincible, with all that power -- but I still do think you need to let go of the past and stop reminding yourself of everything that hurt you. It’s impossible to move forward together, carrying all of that weight with you, and it would have ruined any chance you had of making things work. That’s all I meant, Michael, I swear.” 

There’s a moment’s silence, and Max swallows before lifting his head to look back across the room at Michael again, apparently waiting for a response. He doesn’t get one -- at least, not from Michael. There’s too much going on in his head to even consider responding coherently; strong feelings always intensify the noise in his mind, turning his thoughts to chaos and threads of ideas impossible to untangle from one another. It’d made learning to speak as a child way more difficult than it should have been for someone as smart as Michael, and he still finds himself lapsing into silence from time to time. 

Max and Alex both know this about him, and no one presses. His boyfriend simply slides from his chair to stand behind him and wraps him in a warm, gentle embrace from behind, and rests his chin on Michael’s shoulder while he looks at Max, who’s still slumped against the wall, looking tired and significantly more concerned the longer the silence goes on. “Good,” he says, speaking for both of them while Michael tries to understand how he and Max could possibly misunderstand each other on such an epic level when they literally share a psychic connection. “Because I’m not leaving again, and things might have gotten pretty damn awkward if you were going to be an ass about it.” 

The blunt statement makes Michael laugh, and for the first time since entering Max’s house that night, he turns his head and presses a chaste kiss to the corner of his boyfriend’s mouth. It’s the first overt display of affection he’s made in front of Max and is suddenly hyper-aware of the fact that he’s been careful not to initiate much in the way of physical contact in front of his brother. Alex hasn’t said anything, and Michael knows he wouldn’t, whether it bothered him or not, but he’s immediately pissed at himself for the reluctance. Max’s opinion isn’t supposed to matter, whether real or assumed, but apparently, Michael’s always going to care, at least a little, about what his brother thinks. 

It’s a galling realization, but it doesn’t seem quite as bad as it would have an hour ago. 

“Nah, he’ll just find something else to be an ass about,” Michael drawls a moment later, and Max makes a face at him, but it does nothing to disguise the relief in his expression. He’s been waiting for Michael to erupt, to yell and call him names, because that’s what they’ve done for ten years, and damn, it feels good to break that cycle. “Which is fine, because Max being nice usually ends in being a captive audience for Dostoyevsky read aloud, and I don’t think we need to be a part of his masturbatory fantasies, you know?” 

Max snorts, and Alex grins, the stretch of his smile obvious against Michael’s cheek. “Well, that explains some things about the books Liz has been carting around lately. I knew she didn’t randomly decide to pick up the most depressing book ever written,” he adds, the teasing clear in his voice. This close, Michael can almost feel the slight waver of worry that the joke won’t be well-received, that Max is going to snap at him again and all the progress they’ve just made will be ruined, but Michael isn’t worried. 

Used to the mocking comments, Max just rolls his eyes and grabs his plate from the counter, still half full of food, and shoves it in the microwave to reheat. “Great,” he tosses over his shoulder, loud enough for both of the other men to hear clearly. “Another brother who wants to take shots at my library. You’re going to have to get some new material, Manes, because Michael and Isobel have exhausted those jokes. You two deserve each other.” He sighs dramatically with a good-natured smile in their direction, then takes his steaming plate from the microwave before disappearing into the living room with it. Michael can’t decide if he’s giving them a much-needed moment alone or is really just that hungry, but he appreciates it anyway. Alex has frozen against his back, and they definitely do need a second to themselves. 

As soon as he hears the television turn on in the living room, Michael turns in Alex’s arms and presses his lips to the hinge of his jaw. “Now you’ve done it,” he says lightly, running a hand down Alex’s back soothingly. “He’s adopted you. You’re going to have to put up with all of that oblivious, overprotective bullshit just like the rest of us, and pretty soon you’ll be as crazy as me.” 

Alex huffs a disbelieving laugh, obviously bewildered by the twist the evening had taken. “I came here ready to fight with him all night,” he admits quietly, and casts a surreptitious glance over his shoulder, as if worried that Max is eavesdropping from the next room. “This is better. Even if it’s a little bizarre.” There’s a small, pleased smile on his face as he takes a step back from Michael and laces their hands together, and it remains as they heat up the remains of their own food and join Max in the living room to watch Friends reruns with Isobel’s Netflix account. They don’t talk about anything difficult for the rest of the evening, reverting instead to teasing comments and character imitations, and Michael catches himself relaxing into the easy camaraderie of the evening. 

It’s not perfect, and maybe it never will be, but Michael thinks it’s a pretty damn good start to the family they’re trying to rebuild.