#like was it that meh forgettable that nobody had anything to say

[mebiselfandi]

.

[jesstielle]

okay i have Feelings about NEO: TWEWY and nobody to shout them at because literally nobody else I know plays it which is truly a crime; the original twewy remains one of my favourite games to this day.  but anyway.  massive NEO TWEWY spoilers inbound:

First of all it truly is a miracle that this game even exists.  I never once actually believed we’d get a sequel.  Let alone one this good!! It is really, really good!!!

Things I Enjoyed:

- The gameplay.  Whoo boy.  Up to about 4 team members, anyway.  It’s fast paced, button mashing satisfaction, that manages to keep elements from the original game while still being fresh and fun, if not entirely chaotic, which is why after 4 characters, it was a bit like, ‘okay, chill, let us switch out or something’ lmao

- The new characters.  Although I feel like we leave the game not knowing as much about them as I would like, the new team are really great, and Nagi in particular really shone in terms of character grown.  Rindo.. I feel like I know as little about him now as I did at the start :|a Maybe I just missed something.

I honestly found the teams and their leaders kinda forgettable >>;; Although the heel-face turn on Motoi was pretty great.  I needed more from Kanon to feel anything when she, yknow.

The new reapers were... a mixed bunch. Shoka was fantastic, Susukichi was... a bit much in English, great in Japanese, Tsugumi was great but didn’t get enough screen time (unless she gets more post game, I dunno yet) Shiba annoyed the fuck outta me, Kaie was alright.. the others... meh.  They don’t hold up to Kariya and Uzuki. And obviously Kubo sucks ass pfft

- The reappearing characters.  of course i loved them.  i got a hit of serotonin every time one appeared on my screen. neku my son. josh  the reapers.  i was never a huge minamimoto stan lmao but he was fun. even curry don. but some were DIRELY underutilised which i WILL COME BACK TO

- THE MUSIC.  twewy cannot fail on its music, it’s amazing, it’s glorious, it’s multi faceted, it goes hard. and adding in Beat’s psyche, a rhythm mini game acting as the fast walk button???? yes. yes yes yes yes.  yessssssss. 

- The graphics.  Mostly.  Everything looked beautiful, and HD, and the character designs were great - not toooooooooo Nomura but Nomura enough, yknow? And the occasional chibi faces were great lol.  The chaotic battles sometimes caused lag which... I mean, they coulda given us the option to turn off some of the animations or damage graphics lmao but hey.  the forced perspective on shibuya was a bit off occasionally but it was how the original game did it and it’s all for the ~aesthetic~ so hey.  And it was great seeing some of the original locations looking so much more fleshed out

- The Localisation.  Personally, I think the translators struck a perfect balance that made the kids seem like they’d fit right into today’s culture.  It wasn’t forced, it wasn’t ‘look at us we are Teenagers’, it was right on the mark.  And it was really, really interesting hearing just how different the Japanese VA lines were compared to the English translations.  They really went all out and it paid off, imo.

Dislikes: (i haven’t read the secret reports yet tho)

- UNDERUTILISATION OF THE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS - now, look, okay, I’m biased.  I admit it.  I’m a Josh and Neku stan lmao, so I was looking forward to seeing them the whole game.  And as it went on and on and I realised I wouldn’t be until much later, it bummed me out.  The bait n’ switch with Beat was funny at first, and I enjoyed it a lot, until I realised that yeah, that’s what they’re going with.  Beat’s probably my least favourite partner from the original (sorry) but even disregarding that, it annoys me that they gave him like 10,000x more screen time than even Neku. 

Not to mention Shiki and Joshua!  Josh in particular I could write a whole essay on how pissed I am.  The lost potential.  Nobody mentioning him, ever, once.  Until he just sorta shows up and says a few things.  It makes NO SENSE, he’s the fucking composer, Neku and Beat worked with him, why aren’t they questioning his whereabouts when Shibuya’s turning to shit??????’  I just?????? I had low hopes for Josh content tbf but I am still disappointed :( And naught but one singular Hanekoma mention, as well.  Sigh.

Shiki, it’s a shame she doesn’t appear more, she certainly could have - I can think of like 5 ways off the top of my head - having her as a partner would have also been extremely good.

Neku at least we got..... half a week with. and as a PC.  And like, I know it’s not supposed to be about them, but throw us a bit more than cheap fanservice, yknow. And Kariya and Uzuki were great too.

- why, oh why, was every single team lackey male????  they couldn’t be arsed to make female designs????? it baffled me.

- SO. MUCH. SHIBUYA. TRAVERSING.  I don’t remember if it was that bad in the original?! But oh my god lol.  I think a lot of it was padding.  Sure felt like it.  Paired with the slightly hand hold-y mission progression cutscenes, they coulda cut a bunch of those out.

Other Stuff:

- The voice acting - fantastic in Japanese, okay in English, except for the returning characters?? didn’t sound great??? in english??? I was hyped to turn English back on for Beat but.... nah. Nahhh.  Nagi’s English VA was absolutely the best imo.

- They nailed the feel of the old game without totally copying it - the food, clothes, general aesthetic, music.  That said, it still felt a little too tied to the original.  Ironic considering the rant above I know lmao but... yeah.  The player psyches were a nice touch but I feel like it needed something to set it apart a lil more from its predecessor. 

- I didn’t realise A New Day existed until literally today and I wish I had seen it before I played Neo.  Now I know who Coco is lmao.  And Shinjuku’s erasure was part of that too! arghhhh. Nomura stop burying plot points in other things.  I’m a DS OG dont do this to me

- Rindo’s time travel power was cool but jumping back to the same point like 3 or 4 times in some cases got old

- You could really feel the KH3 energy of ‘play 30 hours until something or someone pivotal finally appears’ lol.  Nomuraaaaa. 

... anyway.

TL;DR good game, needed more Josh, also needs more fans please

[fisumisu]

ALRIGHT! I’ve now seen the new Cats movie!

My first thought?

”That could’ve been a lot worse, actually.”

Even if I didn’t absolutely love it, some of the songs really brought me glimpses of the happiness and excitement I got from the original musical, and dare I say it, I would actually like to see the new movie again.

I went to see it right after watching the old version with my friend (she loved it btw!) and so, the contrast was pretty big.

My general thoughts and some shameless ranting with absolutely no order *spoilers ahead*:

- I got used to the designs of the characters quite quickly, there were some I liked more than the others but my mind numbed to it eventually. "You get used to anything, except an icicle up in your asshole", as the age old Finnish saying goes (and that's a rock fact).

- However, I did not like Jennyanydots the Bodyhorror Cat and I am pretty sure the person behind every decision regarding her might be an alien.

-Bustopher Jones lost all his dignity. In the musical he is very respected and completely fine with being a ”bounder”, yet in the movie they make a joke about him being sensitive about it. I also could’ve done without seeing cat men and women wolf down garbage.

- Apparently falling and tripping on things is still concidered to be peak humor in Hollywood.

- (maybe thanks to that) Instead of the humor coming from just their body language, they relied more on the spoken gags. Most of them are pretty meh. However, I’ll never forget the ”Is he neutered? That note was kiiinda high...” line, ’cause, whoa... wow... damn... Didn’t expect that. Lmao.

- Speaking of the Rum Tum Tugger... well, let’s just say John Partridge will probably keep the mantle of being the best Tugger forever. Derulo has a good voice but the whole design given to his character and the way they had downgraded his importance in the movie made him a tad forgettable.

- Also, Jellicle cats do not have cheerful faces, actually Jellicle cats seem rather mean.

- The ”Touch me!” Part of Memory lost most of its meaning since the importance of touch was never implied in the movie. I’m also annoyed that the directors didn’t tell the actor of Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson) to go a bit easier on her first two appearances and do the full blast crying scene at the end when she’s pleading the other cats to accept her. Her emotion was seriously amazing, but because it was too strong right from the start, she lost the wow moment she could’ve had at the end. It wasn’t her fault, Memory is supposed to be an emotional roller coaster, but she should’ve been directed better.

- I prefer Grizabella being much older looking overall, even in the musical productions, since the comparison between how the Jellicles behave towards Gus and Grizabella is quite an important point to me. If they are both older cats, it’s easier to see and the decision to send her to the Heaviside layer more justified. Yeah, Grizabella’s coat was a bit dusty and the corner of her eye a bit scarred in the movie but she was waaaaaaay too fine to think she’d need a whole new life to fix herself. Nope.

- Very important note: There definitely should've been a rule that cats with clothes should KEEP THEM ON during the entire movie. The whole deal with clothing was utterly baffling altogether. Some cats had cat sized shoes, hats, jackets and they seemed unable to decide if they should keep them on or be in their birthday suits most of the time. Plus, if some cats have clothes and others don’t, it’s just going to look odd. And hey, why is that one cat otherwise naked but wearing shoes? I don’t know man, nobody knows.

- Thankfully, Skimbleshanks the Railway cat decided he rather liked his pants and never removed them. His tap dancing number was one of the best scenes in the movie. He also had a proper excuse to wear cat shoes. Good job Skimble.

- Ian McKellen (the cat) had the kind of fur around his head I wish every cat on the movie would’ve had. I’ll never forget him saying ”Meow, meow, meow!” Or dunking his head into a bowl to lap water with his tongue. I actually got a bit teary eyed watching his number.

- I don’t feel that Taylor Swift’s Bobalurina was... well, Bombalurina. She was just some hench cat whose only purpose was to get everyone high on catnip and preach about Macavity.

- Honestly, I actually thought the whole Macavity song part was pretty neat! Hear me out (don’t scoff, lol). Yes, it was odd, but the way the dancers started moving when the golden flakes touched them was fascinating to watch. It was almost like a reference to the beginning where the cats couldn’t help but dance under the Jellicle moon and their movement showed that clearly. Storytelling, but with dance! Can you believe it!? I’m just sad that the CGI cheapened the dancers’ amazing performances during the whole movie since their movement looked odd at places thanks to the added fur. When there’s so much digitally added effects on screen, you can’t help but wonder, is this real or just animated?

- I haven’t said anything about Munkustrap, I notice. Maybe because I like complaining too much and had to get all the whining out of the way. Good news, Munk remains a good, good cat and he was definitely my favourite character, alongside with Skimble (who kept his pants on, as you might recall). Thank the Everlasting cat or the Maker for small mercies.

- Also, to people talking about Munk and Misto in this new movie, I see ya. My poor heart is quite confused since the song Mr Mistoffelees is, and will always be, to me (and many others) Tugger and Mistoffelees' song, and therefore can have that kinda romantic vibe. Since they threw Tugger out of the window, going as far as to make the two interract as little as possible, I’d rather eat my right leg than accept the romance they cooked up with Victoria and Misto. Since Munkustrap sings the first parts of Mistoffelees’ song in the movie, I can see why Munk and Misto could be seen as a new pairing.

I don’t mind if you like Victoria and Misto together, it doesn’t itch my bum what other people enjoy, so have fun! Victoria x misto is just not for me. If I had to choose who I ship in this movie, I’d probably ship Skimbleshanks with his hat. It’s a very good hat. You can’t see the CGI ears under it. Oh, did I mention Skimble's pants? They were red and he kept them on throughout the whole movie.

- (just remembered) Victoria singing Beautiful Ghosts to Grizabella immediately after Grizabella ended her second part of Memory, reminded me of that Tall Girl meme from last year. Like, “You think your life is hard?" *bursts into song*

- Macavity being so desperate about getting to the Heaviside layer was actually pretty hilarious and the whole thing about him vanishing all the other “contestants” was something new and unexpected. Didn’t really mind it. I just wish the big finale would’ve been Mistoffelees making all the vanished cats appear again.

- Judyteronomy teleporting behind everyone after Mistoffelees song made me laugh.

- Mistoffelees believing in himself at the end of the movie was pretty wholesome.

- Hey! Macavity’s fur actually looked a bit red when the light hit it from just the right angle and the stars aligned! I wonder if that was one of the features they added when they did the updates. Maybe that's why they couldn't afford to give people cat noses. Oh well.

And that’s all for now!

This is already pretty long and got kinda outta hand. Thanks if you read this whole thing! I just wanted to vent and gather my thoughts about the movie. I love to nitpick and poke at stuff. I hope I didn't come across too negative or say only things everyone and their mothers have already talked about. The movie was far from perfect but in this nice safe bubble of ours no one should feel ashamed of liking something Cats the musical related. I'm actually itching to see this again, in all its horrifying glory, because despite all its flaws and things I wish they would've done differently, it's still Cats and some of the songs and scenes absolutely, quite positively slapped.

If you, for some unthinkable reason, would like to know my thoughts on a specific scene or thing in the new Cats movie, or just anything Cats related, feel free to ask me!

Toodle pip!

[fanfic-scribbles]

Lunch Buddy: Chapter Ten

Masterlist

<<Previous Chapter Next Chapter>>

Overall Story Facts:

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Story Summary: Steve Rogers makes a friend. A prickly, generally people-averse friend, but they’ll both take what they can get.

Quick Facts: Friendship (/Eventual Romance) – Steve Rogers & Reader (leading to Steve Rogers/Reader) – Female Reader

Story Warnings: Reader-insert that verges on OFC, written in 1st person past tense

Chapter 10: Familiar Things

Chapter Summary: Maybe the real coffee shops were the ones we found along the way. Or…not.

Chapter Word Count: 3469

    My new job was fine. The people were nice without being distracting, my boss gave guidance without being overbearing, and I did what I was supposed to do and got paid for it. So work was work in a satisfactory way.

Finding a new place to spend a lunch break was slightly more frustrating.

Steve: Don’t laugh at the name Steve: But the menu for this place looks good.

With only slight hesitation, I clicked on the link. And stared at the logo. And…stared some more.

Steve: You’re laughing, aren’t you Me: No Me: I’m

I couldn’t figure out how to finish that.

Me: Are you sure that’s a coffee shop and not a daycare? Steve: It says ‘coffee’ and has a menu!

I read it over, and yeah, it did, and yeah, the menu looked okay. But still.

Steve: Are you worried about your reputation?

I rolled my eyes.

Me: I’m some schlub that nobody cares about Me: The real question: would YOU be okay with someone recognizing you Me: And saying you must endorse ‘Whoa Doggy Coffee?’

His silence spoke volumes.

Me: Also Me: Who the fuck does a themed coffee shop named ‘Whoa Doggy’ Me: And DOESN’T make it western?! Steve: Why do I feel like Steve: if it was Steve: you would show up in a cowboy hat Me: *We Me: I know a shitty tourist stall that sells them Steve: Then this was a blessing in disguise Steve: But that mascot’s going to haunt my dreams Me: Same

I checked the clock. There wasn’t a whole lot of time before I took my break.

Me: There’s a crummy Starbucks a few blocks away Me: Drinks are meh but it’s surprisingly quiet Steve: That’ll work Steve: Give me cross streets and I’ll meet you there

~

The Starbucks That Corporate Forgot was fine for an ‘in the meantime,’ but I was really hoping for another place with nice people behind the counter and good stuff to drink and eat that also wasn’t far from my work. I had thought of coffee shops in New York as a dime a dozen, but I was pretty wrong, apparently. On some recommendations Steve had gotten we went to actual lunch a few times and it was nice. The food, at least, was fine, but all of it was a little pricey for me to want to make it a habit. And if we could find the right coffee shop, we could keep up a habit that I liked without hurting my wallet. I hoped.

The first place I picked out was a very generic coffee shop with a forgettable name. The drinks, though, were so bad that Steve and I took our respective sips and then spent the rest of our time together using my phone to find anywhere else but there.

Steve found a place that seemed fine but the guys behind the counter recognized him and were such assholes about it, it was like Steve had personally trampled their dicks in effort to destroy their oh-so-sturdy manhood. He kept it together pretty well while I felt like a static-charged cat, but when they started to turn their attention towards me I felt Steve stiffen up and I yanked him out of there before we could end up as a Jerry Springer special.

“It’s not that good,” Steve muttered into his cup after we had appropriated a table at a random food place.

“Tastes like bitter projection and manly, manly tears,” I said and sipped slowly. It made him laugh, at least, and his shoulders stopped looking so much like a straight line.

“I hear that much salt is bad for you though,” he said and winked at me.

I choked so hard he had to pat my back to help me breathe again.

~

I picked out a place I thought looked great. Unfortunately, the rest of the city apparently thought the same. The place was so busy Steve was easily lost in the crowd which, on one hand, great, good, wonderful, fantastic. On the other hand, the shop was small and hot and conversations dipped in and out, bleeding and merging into a cacophony that felt as oppressive as the bodies surrounding me.

I held out long enough to order and then, despite how fast the drinks were being made, looked outside for somewhere else to stand. I found it in a spot right near the window and gave Steve some excuse about how I would just be a second, and then made my escape.

I was catching my breath a few steps away from the glass, in some shade, when someone tapped my shoulder and I looked up just as Steve slid a cup into my hands. “Oh, I’m–” I closed my grip. “I’m sorry Steve.”

“It’s all right.” His hand was large and warm on my back, but I didn’t want to shrink away. “Let’s take a walk.”

It was better than scrounging for a broken table in a place I couldn’t even look at comfortably, so I nodded and we started walking. Steve acted as a buffer between me and the street and I waited to level out. The drink was really good. Too bad.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Fine.” I checked the time. We had plenty of it. “I’m sorry; I wasn’t trying to skip out, I just needed some air.”

“Was it someone in there?” he asked in a tone that suggested he would be doing an about-face if I said anything resembling ‘yes.’

“No, just…the amount of people. I couldn’t handle it,” I said.

He lost the ‘choose your fighter’ stance. “Really?”

“Yeah, I know, but I don’t go to clubs that often,” I said. “Sometimes I can handle ridiculous crowds and sometimes I can’t. I tend to avoid them in general; I don’t really like people that close if I can help it.”

“Oh,” he said and I knew what he was about to do, so I tugged his shirt just as he tried to step to the side.

“Don’t,” I said. “It’s strangers I don’t like; you’re fine.”

“Oh,” he said, and he sounded so pleased that I had to look.

His smile matched his tone and was so sweet that I smiled too. “What?” I asked him.

“Nothing,” he said. But he couldn’t help himself for long. “People say I’m imposing.”

“People who don’t know you’re just a giant dork.”

“Most people.”

“So only…” I did a quick estimate, “…Maybe ten people know what a dork you are?” Because there weren't that many Avengers, right?

“More like you, Sam, and Natasha.”

Okay, there were definitely more Avengers than that. “What about your other friends?” Or maybe that was the problem. “Co-workers?” Did Avengers get paid? “…Teammates?”

Steve flashed me a bemused smile. “Do your co-workers know what a dork you are?”

“More than I like,” I admitted. “But it’s always only ever a matter of time.”

“Well, we don’t…” He shrugged. “They’re all busy; they have jobs, partners; lives. We train sometimes, and Coulson wrangles us in sometimes for a group dinner.”

“So they’ve met you more than once and still don’t know you’re a dweeb?”

He shifted. “What time is it?”

“We’re already heading back.” I wrapped both of my arms around one of his. “You can walk me.”

“Are you trying to make sure you can charge me for the full hour?” he asked dryly but didn’t try to shake me off.

“There’s not enough money in the world to make me your therapist.” I gave his arm one good squeeze and let go. “We’re just two friends, shooting the shit. Or I guess we can talk shit, if you want, but I’ll have no idea who you’re talking about.”

He laughed a little. “No, I don’t– they’re all good people, and I wish I knew them better,” he admitted and we came to a stop. “But we’re different people, so it’s slow. But it’s fine.”

“Hm.”

He smiled at me and then nodded forward. At my building. “Have a nice day at work.”

I snorted. “Thanks, honey.” But that sounded so weird we both cracked up.

“How is the job, though? Is it good?” he asked.

“I do my job, I get paid.” I shrugged. “That’s all I really care about. So in that sense, yeah. It’s good.”

“Good. I’m glad it’s working out,” he said. There was a slight buzzing and I felt over my pocket, just in case, but he pulled out his phone and I caught a brief look at a vaguely familiar logo lit up on the screen. Steve sighed and looked at me like he was already tired. “This is probably something.”

I nodded and stepped back to give him some space. “Be safe. I’ll check out some places while you’re gone.”

“I can’t wait to try them out,” he said, saluted, and ran off.

Dork. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day, and eventually gave in and texted him.

Me: If you come back hurt I’m dragging you to that stupid doggy coffee shop. In a cowboy hat. Steve: Consider me bulletproof Steve: Going dark. See you soon

He had better, I thought, and went back to work with what little focus I could manage to scrounge up.

~

I tried a couple of places but neither of them were all that great and I had to admit to myself that my heart wasn’t in it. I checked the news but didn’t see anything Steve might have been involved with, and that just made me more anxious, so I did everything I could think of to distract myself. Steve was a loser but he had a good reputation for a reason, so I had to trust that Captain America would handle his shit so that my friend could come home.

About a week after he had run off, I was stretching at my desk in the mid-morning when I got a text.

Steve: Hi Steve: Back home

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Me: Good Me: Hale and hearty and healthy? Steve: Perfectly fine Steve: :) Steve: Find a new lunch place yet?

I sighed for an entirely different reason.

Me: Knocked some places out Me: There was a tea/coffee place that had promise Me: But I can never snag a fucking table Me: Also it’s so fluorescent it hurts my eyes. Steve: Okay Morticia

I smiled and sent him a line of thumbs up emojis. I looked nothing like, but as far as my overall personality and aesthetic, that felt like a nice compliment that required some thanks.

Steve: I have an idea

He then sent me an address, which I looked up, and…okay?

Me: A bookstore?

Not that I was complaining, but it looked like a small second-hand shop and showed no sign of having anything but books.

(I made a note to myself to check it out on the weekend, though.)

Steve: Trust me Me: Okay Me: Is 11 okay? Got meetings this afternoon Steve: Okay Steve: I’ll meet you there Me:  :) Steve: ?! Steve: A smile?! Me: Shut up Me: B O O K S Steve: Okay Belle

I laughed. Jerk.

~

I got there about five minutes early and he still managed to be waiting. Despite being his usual self, he also managed to blend in well enough that when I first scanned the street I almost missed him. He was slouched against the wall, and when I did a double-take he pushed off the brick and walked towards me.

I couldn’t help but look him over. He looked good. Satisfied. “Do I pass inspection?” he asked jokingly.

“Meh,” I decided and looked around. The shop itself even blended into that same wall, a true hidden gem I couldn’t wait to get my sticky fingers all over.

“You still have to go back to work,” Steve reminded me as he opened the door.

“And I can’t buy books if I have no money,” I said and sighed. In the shop, though, small and crowded with books, inhaling brought in that familiar thick and slightly musty scent, but it wasn’t overwhelming, and was that a hint of new I smelled? Ah; there was a bargain bin of unsold Barnes and Noble refugees. Also…there was, in fact, coffee. Somewhere. I scanned what I could see but saw no sign of anything coffee-related, not even a cup at the cash register. I turned to Steve to ask, but he was covering the lower half of his face with both hands as his shoulders shook and his eyes gliste– was he crying?

Not quite, but close enough, and I put my hands on my hips while he calmed down, but even calmed down his smile was big and wide and made him look like a complete doofus. It was my new favorite expression. Not that I’d ever tell him. “What?”

“You, treating a bookstore like a sommelier treats wine,” he said, chuckling.

Oh. I had said that…out loud. I ducked my head, but it didn’t feel like he was making fun of me; he sounded fond, and that made it better when nudged me. “It was cute,” he said and started moving. “Come on.”

I followed behind, past piles of books and through shelves that almost reached the ceiling. We popped out of the aisle into a little corner pocket that hosted some arm chairs and side tables and the smallest coffee cart I had ever seen. It stuck out next to a wall and a curtain-covered opening, behind which there was a sound of clanking dishes. The people populating the seats were almost all elderly, aside from one balding businessman, and I smirked at Steve.

He rolled his eyes like I didn’t have to say it. Good, because it was quieter than a library and we piped down accordingly. He pointed to an empty set of cozy chairs and I followed the gesture to claim the seats while he went to the tiny counter. Nearby a couple of people argued in low voices. When I heard “writes like shit” I tried to eavesdrop, but Steve came back with two mismatched ceramic mugs filled with steaming hot coffee and sat down in the other chair, blocking them.

“Thanks.” The smell was great and I just sat with cup in hand, inhaling, for several seconds. Until I caught sight of Steve, staring at me and smiling like the Mona Lisa. I hid my mouth with the cup and took a sip. It was really good. I set it on the small table between us and said softly, “You look pretty pleased with yourself.”

“Do I?” he asked just as softly, his smile unwavering.

I looked around the room where all conversation had died in favor of reading. I held up my phone to Steve in warning and then started to text.

Me: Maybe not an everyday place Me: But a good option if we don’t feel chatty

He smiled wider at me. And stayed that way. I tilted my head in a silent ‘what?’ and he shook his head, but he texted back.

Steve: I like that it’s an option Steve: That we’re comfortable enough to sit quietly together Steve: It’s nice

It wasn’t like this was the first time we had ever sat in silence together, but he seemed to be having a good moment so I refrained from pointing that out.

Me: It is nice Me: But I think you just like getting me to shut up Steve: That’s just a bonus

And an angel emoji. The bastard.

Me: There has never been a more poorly matched emoji to person than that to you

He responded by sending three lines of them and I had to suffocate myself to keep from disturbing the peace.

Me: I hate you

He flashed me a brilliant smile. It had a dorky undertone though, so I knew it was genuine.

Steve: No you don’t

No, I didn’t. And shame on me for ever letting him know that. Still, he had done good with his find, and the coffee was excellent, so I let him be a self-satisfied little shit. For the moment.

~

I was running late.

Granted, it was my own lunch break and it wasn’t like I had to cut it short, but it was annoying. I was meeting Steve at the crummy Starbucks and he had mentioned having things to do that afternoon, and I hated being held up on my breaks. Especially by stupid people.

As soon as I stepped in I scanned the place for Steve. I didn’t see him at first but when I checked again I saw him in our usual corner. Talking to somebody else.

It didn’t look like when he was talking to a fan; it looked like he was having a meeting, with a woman in a nice suit, whose strawberry blonde hair was so perfectly brushed I ran my hand over my own head in reflex.

Steve lifted his head, saw me, smiled, and waved for me to come over. The woman turned her head to watch me approach, which I did. Slowly.

“Hi,” I said to him, trying not to glance at her and failing. “Should I…go somewhere else for now?”

“No, we’re just–” Steve stood up so fast he hit the table and made it jump. He caught it with both hands and set it down gently so his coffee didn’t spill. He smiled sheepishly at his tablemate. “Sorry Pepper.”

“It’s all right,” she replied with some amusement, travel container in hand. She set it back down and then extended her hand to me. “Pepper Potts.”

I introduced myself and shook her hand. Hopefully that was a good amount of pressure– I never knew if I was doing it right. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you too,” she said and let go. “Steve says good things.”

Steve talked about me? I shorted out for a second, wondering what he could possibly have to say, and he shifted. “We’re just finishing up,” he said. “I’ll tell you about it after.”

“Okay, I–” I stopped when I saw the raised eyebrow Pepper was aiming at Steve. “Not okay?”

“No, it’s okay.” Steve smiled reassuringly at Pepper. “She’s the one I told. First.”

“Oh.” Then Pepper aimed her look at me, both eyebrows raised.

I had no idea what to make of that. “I’ll just…go get something to drink?”

“Good luck,” Steve said and I rolled my eyes but I left them alone. I got a simple iced coffee, since the staff couldn’t be bothered to figure out how to properly use a fucking blender. At least this time my ice chunks would be expected.

When I got back, she was gone. I felt a little bad for how much that relaxed me. “I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I said as I sat down.

“You weren't. Pepper and I were going to meet later but apparently something came up, so she tracked me down,” Steve said, fidgeting with his cup.

I looked around. No one. I turned back to Steve and scooted closer. “So you’re…gonna go for it?”

He bobbed his head. “We’re planning it now.” He sat back and tried to smile, but it was a nervous expression. “Whether I like it or not, it’s going to be a…thing. So we’re trying to make it less daunting.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’ve got help,” I said.

“Yeah.” His smile grew more solid. “I’ve got good people around.”

“Good. That’s good,” I said. Steve kept staring at me though, with that smile. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“You're making fun of me, aren’t you?”

“No I’m not.” He took a swig of his plain hot coffee– about the only drink we were absolutely certain they could manage here– and nodded at my drink. “How was your roll of the dice today?”

I took a sip. It was actually perfect. That wasn’t too terribly surprising since I had added the cream myself, but pleasant all the same. “Nat 20.”

He frowned. I grinned. “Are you ready for the next reference you can drop to make your friend Tony’s head explode?”

Steve leaned in, eager and ready to learn.

~

The next time we got together, Steve proudly played me his new ringtone, which consisted of a man screeching “Where did you learn that?!” and a burst of laughter, loud but cut short by the end of the recording.

I held my face in my hands. I was still laughing. “You are such a jerk.”

“Thanks, your Highness.” I could hear the smile in his voice. I didn’t know whether to be proud of my creation, or terrified. Maybe both.

“…Play it again.”

He did so, happily.

<<Previous Chapter Next Chapter>>

[amphtaminedreams]

To All the Characters I’ve Overly Identified with Before: Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment to Fictional Characters

It’s been a month, and I’m still not over how Game of Thrones ended. I’m still not over the way that a character who, throughout the previous seventy something episodes of the show, was only ever ruthless towards people who were deserving of her wrath (within the context of westerosi justice because let’s not forget everyone’s favourite man of honour Ned Stark decapitated a young man for running for his life in the first episode), suddenly massacred a whole city in the penultimate episode. I’m not over the way that writers who spent the previous seasons showing that they were capable of translating the moral ambiguity of George R.R Martin’s characters from page to screen, got lazy and left us with a character whose actions became impossible to defend right as the show was ending. I’m not over the way that such a beautifully complex character who endured so much hurt and trauma was reduced to nothing more than a “crazy woman” by a couple of male writers in her final moments. I’m not over the fact that Emilia Clarke put her heart and soul into the character and did everything she could to bring Daenerys Targaryen to life for David Benioff and Dan Weiss to both literally and figuratively assassinate her.

I think those feels have been felt by a lot of Game of Thrones fans since the show ended. God knows I’ve watched enough youtube video essays and read enough articles and liked enough tweets reiterating the sentiment. Daenerys Targaryen was, in my opinion, the best character on Game of Thrones. I wasn’t angry because she didn’t end up sitting on the throne (though my boy Drogon made sure nobody else ever would either and I guess I can get behind that), I was angry because all the balance that made her character so great was thrown out the window in order to progress the story of her male counterpart and bring a show that probably could’ve done with another 2 seasons to an end. Dany has always had a dark side, she is the “fire” that the title of the book series refers to, but throughout the show, we’ve never seen her indulge that side to the point of no return. We’ve seen her wrestle with it and use it to exact punishment on those who deserve it when needs be, and that was part of what I liked about her. Not to go all feminist essay on anyone’s ass but we don’t usually get to see women in TV who are celebrated for their powers of intimidation, and I liked how prior to season 8, the narrative never made female characters like Dany or Arya or Brienne out to be monsters for killing people the same way that basically every single man on the show did at one point or another. I liked that sometimes she was a little excessive because it made sense, she did have “dragon” in her, and she still had lines she wouldn’t cross, clear values and principles; she fought for the innocent, for women and for children, and for freedom. On a personal level, I loved her because we watched her go from a lonely, scared and vulnerable girl to a strong, ambitious and self-assured woman and that was a trajectory I wanted to relate to.

And then all of a sudden, without any justification or build up at all, she’s a mass murderer of the same “downtrodden” people she always claimed to fight for. Fuck, I’m thinking. I literally watched that episode through my hands because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I say I cried on and off for about 3 days after I watched the final episode, I’m not exaggerating; I only need to see a screen cap now a month later or an interview with Emilia Clarke and I’m off again. It literally felt as if I was mourning the loss of a real person. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of attachment to a character. Daenerys Targaryen was probably just the last in a long list of women I overly identified with.

I’m not much like her at all really, I’ve burnt myself from taking the film off my microwaved lasagne and not moving my thumb away from the hot air in time (lmao), however, I think I saw parts of myself in her journey and traits that I wanted to have, thus, I latched on. Before Daenerys Targaryen there was Spencer Hastings and before her there was Cassie Ainsworth and then if we’re gonna throw it all the way back, there was Hermione Granger (and some other characters I was more mildly obsessed with along the way, Katniss Everdeen, Bree Van de Kamp and Cosima Niehaus, I’m looking at you). I still love all those characters now but when their respective shows or films were actually current, I was completely obsessed. I spent my 16th birthday at the Harry Potter studios on the outskirts of London with my family, forget birthday parties or meals out with my friends. I wished more than anything that I had 2 best friends that loved me unconditionally and I did my best to emulate that drive and intelligence and work ethic everyone associates with Hermione. I told myself I was just like her even though I lacked the confidence to put my hand up in all but one of my classes and last time I checked, was just trying to conquer GCSEs not fight an evil wizard snaked hybrid man or whatever Voldemort is.  I identified with the loneliness and the need for control that I saw in Cassie, and was like “oH eM GeE, tHat’s sO mE!” at Spencer’s perfectionism. When I was speeding for my exams (and then, unfortunately, for long after), I felt spiritually connected to that whole Pretty Little Liars arc where Spencer started popping adderall on the daily even though I could really only wish for someone to care about me enough to stalk me like A did and the worst possible outcome of my all nighter was not taking in enough content to bullshit my way through a 30 marker.

They would understand me, they would be my friend. They represent me. That was the baseline sentiment of my obsession. And I think that’s the borderline part of me jumping out. See, such a huge part of BPD is feeling unwanted and misunderstood and forgettable and really, deeply lonely.  Like it’s a kind of loneliness I think you feel like an actual person can never really fulfil because the (faulty and not necessarily reflective of reality) thought pattern is that they’ll lose interest and leave you sooner or later. Fictional characters are always there, until the show gets cancelled or the character gets killed off, at least, and then comes the completely disproportionate tidal wave of grief. They exist in a different world too, a one that feels a lot less dangerous (even if it’s actually way more dangerous, I mean I really wouldn’t last five fucking minutes in Westeros) and detached from the often chronically muted reality of BPD.

Then there’s the trouble with the sense of self, part and package of BPD for most, which facilitates, you know, thinking that a genius witch or, like, any character in skins (because in hindsight as great as that show was, WHY DO NONE OF THEM HAVE JOBS YET SEEMINGLY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF DRUGS AND PARENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO CARE WHERE THE HELL THEY ARE!?) resembles you as a person in any way. Though I suppose I’m learning recently as I begin to reflect more on what I enjoy and value, I’ve never had much more than a vague idea of what my positive qualities are, so when I saw them fully realised in a character it was a treasure trove of mannerisms and traits and ways of carrying oneself to adopt. It becomes a mould into which you can squeeze the ball of meh-ness and uncertainty you feel you resemble. Now I’m realising that although it might take me a little more time and a lot more effort, it’s much more rewarding to become the very best version of myself, but back then, I suppose I didn’t recognise why I was doing what I was doing. 

I only got diagnosed with BPD and started learning about it when it was 19, so all the years before that were pretty much spent unaware of the reasons why I had these quirks. As I “recover” (I suppose that’s the right word) and I get back into hobbies and spend more time with friends, I feel like I’m beginning to discover more and more of who I am. I’m starting to accept that there are positive things about me and plenty of things for people to like, right here in this world, not some fictional one.

I still love characters way too much and get overly attached and invested in TV shows but even that doesn’t necessarily have to be something to be ashamed of. When I’ve got into *ahem* discussions with people online about characters before, I’ve occasionally gotten the “why do you care so much, it’s not real life!” in response, and I mean, there’s definitely a point to be made if your passion for something is causing you to lash out at real life people with real life feelings. But when you’re not, when it can give you hours of discussion and entertainment and can drive you to make real positive changes in the world too, what’s wrong with passion? There’s nothing I love more than having a conversation with someone who I can tell really loves what they’re talking about, so why should I be ashamed of having the capacity to become deeply invested in things too? I think as long as it’s not taking over my life as I have allowed it to do so in the past, there’s nothing wrong with having passion for fictional things or for anything, for that matter. As long as it’s not something fucked up, like idk, white supremacy or Rick and Morty (JOKING). 

I don’t regret loving all the things I loved because being a huge Harry Potter fan for so many years did give me an escape when I absolutely hated myself and couldn’t find much enjoyment in real life. I hope that if I do have children one day, they’ll love it too, maybe not quite as much as I did but enough for it to give them all the joy it gave me, all the same. So in summary, yeah, fuck David Benioff and Dan Weiss (lmao, I’m joking, they’re just shitty original screenplay writers who could probably do with a class or two on how to write female characters), but also, understand before you make fun of someone for being overly invested in something that there’s probably a good reason for it and that, at the end of the day, they’re usually not hurting anyone. I’ll probably still be stanning Daenerys Targaryen and pretending season 8 episode 5 didn’t happen until the day I die. Let me live, okay?

Lauren x

[razieltwelve]

Thin (Final Rose)

“So… what do you think?” Blake asked Diana.

The dark-haired woman pressed her head against the wall and gave it a sharp knock before she eased back and stared at it. “Hmm… it’s a standard apartment wall. There’s nothing remarkable about it.” Her brows furrowed. “I’ve also had a look at it using a variety of different genetic templates ranging from radar and sonar to infrared and x-ray. There really isn’t anything weird about it at all.”

“I see.” Blake made a face. “Could you… make it more soundproof?”

Diana tilted her head to one side. “And why would you need it more soundproof?”

The Faunus looked away. “I may have received an anonymous note from one of my neighbours about, ahem, certain activities being especially loud at certain times of the, um, night.”

“So basically you’ve been having really noisy sex and the neighbours complained?” Diana grinned. “Was it Yang, Neo, Winter, or all three of them at once?”

“Well…”

“So all of the above them.” Diana cackled. “You guys really need to just buy a house or something. Thin walls are pretty common even in more expensive apartments. It’s just how things are done.”

“So you can’t do anything?” Blake asked. “We’ve been thinking of buying a house, but we haven’t found enough free time in our schedules for all of us to go look together.”

“Well… there are a couple of options.” Diana tapped her scroll and images began to appear above it. “The easiest one would be a silence emitter. It’s basically a device that nullifies sounds in a given area. However, they’re really most effective at stopping the movement of sound through air, and your problem is mostly caused by sound travelling through the walls, floor, and ceiling.”

“What else is there?”

Diana tapped her scroll again. “I could have you get all of your stuff out of the way for a couple of hours while I spray the place down with a specially developed coating that massively reduces the ability of sound to propagate through it. You could probably stab someone to death and nobody would be any the wiser.”

“Do I want to know why you’ve got that?”

“Meh. It’s perfect for interrogation rooms, which is what it was originally designed for. Oh, and it’s also been used to coat the walls of tunnels to reduce the noise they make.”

“I’m assuming there’s a catch?”

“I’m not saying it’ll poison you, but there’s a reason we don’t use it everywhere. It’s basically safe so long as you’re not spending hours at a time near it everyday, which is why we can use it on tunnels. Unfortunately, though, you will be spending hours at a time near it everyday if I coat your apartment with it.”

“Okay… next option.”

“Have you considered not having sex in your apartment or maybe having quieter sex?” The vicious glare Blake gave Diana was answer enough. “I see. Option number three is that I drill holes in the walls, floor, and ceiling and fill them with a special material that will absolutely absorb any sounds that a human or Faunus can make.”

“You can do that?”

“If your walls were solid brick, I wouldn’t be able to, but there’s more than enough airspace for it to work.”

“And what would the drawbacks be?”

“I’m going to have to put holes in the walls, floor, and ceiling. I may also have to rip open a few things to make sure the coverage goes all the way around. Other than that, though, it should do everything you need without any other significant drawbacks. I mean… your apartment will smell like plastic for a day, but that’s about it.”

“How long would it take for you to do?”

Diana gave the wall another tap. “With walls like this? Maybe half a day? To be honest, though, I wouldn’t be doing it myself. This kind of thing is minion work. It’s fairly straightforward, and the process has already been refined enough for any Level 2 or 3 minion to do it fairly easily.”

“Can’t you do it?” Blake asked. “I’d rather people not know that… you know…”

“Blake, if it makes you feel better, I can tell them that we’re putting in soundproofing because you like to murder people in your apartment. Believe me, the minions are not going to ask questions. We don’t have to say a word about you having crazy, noisy sex in your apartment.”

“…” Blake sighed. “Can you please just do it?”

"Blake, it’s really not that big a deal. It’s like going to the doctor. There’s no need to feel embarrassed when talking to your doctor, and there’s no need to be embarrassed when talking to the people doing the soundproofing. If it makes you feel any better, I will personally consider which minions I send to do the job.”

“Fine.”

X     X     X

The two young women that Diana sent to handle the job were easily the most… well… average people that Blake had ever seen. She honestly wouldn’t have been able to pick them out of a crowd, no matter how hard she tried, and she couldn’t help but feel that this might not even be the first time they’d met.

“Don’t worry about it,” one of the women said. “Everybody has a hard time remembering us.”

“It’s one of the reasons the boss hired us.” The other woman grinned. “We’re what you might call forgettable, which makes us perfect for infiltration and for doing jobs that people feel a bit uncomfortable with. We show up, do the job, and then people forget about us.”

“Well, not the boss,” the first woman said. “She never had any problems remembering us.”

“The boss is special. She never forgets anybody.”

“I guess.” The woman grinned. It was a very average sort of grin. “But that’s one of the benefits of being a minion. You’re not on your own. There are people who nobody forgets, and they have a part to play, same as we do. But we all work together, and we all get a nice slice of the pie when we’re done.”

“So… uh… do you know what to do?”

“Don’t worry, the boss already filled us in. Just go shopping or something. We’ll have this done by this afternoon. Just remember to leave all of the windows open, and you should be fine.”

“You’re a Faunus, right?” the other woman asked. “Here.” She handed Blake a modified surgical mask. “It’s designed to filter out the particles that make everything smell like plastic. You can wear it tonight and maybe tomorrow morning. The smell should be gone after that.”

“Thanks…” Blake’s eyes narrowed. “Wait… I think I know where I’ve seen you before?”

“Oh?”

“You helped Ruby and Weiss with their new shower.”

“Heh. Not bad. Both of us are really more into domestic and commercial construction. Just about anything you might want to do to a house or apartment, we can do. But death rays and satellites? Nah. The boss has other people who deal with that.” She handed Blake a card. “Here.”

Blake read the card. Building Blocks Construction. “Wait… Diana owns Building Blocks Construction? Isn’t that one of the largest construction companies in the world?”

“Boss owns a lot of things, you just don’t know about them.” One of the women smirked. “There are all sorts of laws around that are supposed to stop companies growing too big and powerful, but there aren’t many people better than the boss at finding loopholes. Have enough shell companies and corporate trusts, and nobody can work out who owns what without already knowing. She even owns Dynamic Development, which is supposed to be one of Building Block Construction’s biggest competitors. She hasn’t even told the executives of either company that they’re basically on the same side. She thinks it’ll make them perform better.”

“In fairness,” the other woman said. “Performance measures are up by 15% year over year for both companies.”

“But you two know?” Blake asked.

“Well, we’ve been with the boss since she was a teenager. She trusts us. We’re Level 5 minions, so she knows that we’re trustworthy. It’s not like you’ll tell anyone.”

Blake had to concede the point. “Is that why she sent you because you’re Level 5s?”

“Yep. A Level 2 or 3 could do the job, but they might get curious about you or what this is all for. Not us. We trust the boss’s judgement, and we know when to ask questions and when to keep our mouths shut. If you want to soundproof for your apartment, we’re not going to ask why. We’re just going to get it installed and then ask if maybe you’d consider us when you finally decided to build a new house because you can’t find a house that suits your… circumstances.”

“And what would you know about my circumstances?” Blake growled.

“Hey, easy. The boss keeps tabs on all her friends. She likes to get ahead of any potential problems. Based on your… situation… there isn’t a house within a hundred and fifty miles of here that meets your needs. However, there are several properties large enough for us to build a house that suits your needs. It’s not like money is going to be an issue, and who better to build a house through than the boss? Huntresses take home security very seriously, and we know how to build houses that can stand up to everything short of the apocalypse.”

“And what if there is an apocalypse?”

“Well, we could put in an underground bunker. The boss has several cutting edge designs that are perfect for home use. You can ride out the end of the world in comfort and style.”

“…” Blake took a deep breath. “Maybe I will take you up on that. I’ll be back this evening.”

“Have fun,” the two women said together.

X     X     X

Author’s Notes

Poor Blake. At least, she won’t have to worry anymore. As for Diana, she’s an expert at skirting the rules but staying on the legal side of things. She has her fingers in all sorts of pies, and she has quietly put together a truly imposing business empire. The most hilarious thing is that a lot of people don’t realise that Diana is one of the co-owners of Dia Technologies, and that Dia Technologies is far, far larger than anyone truly realises since it is, for all intents and purposes, a conglomerate combining all of the businesses that Vanille (and her kids) and Diana (and her kids) eventually amass.

You can find me on fanfiction.net, AO3, and Amazon.

Definitely check out my Amazon stuff if you enjoy my sense of humour.

[mst3kproject]

1008: Final Justice

I had a patient a while back whose name was Geronimo.  He was very impressed that I pronounced it correctly on the first try.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him how I knew.

Thomas Jefferson ‘TJ’ Geronimo III Mitchell is deputy sheriff in the middle of nowhere because that’s how they punish mass murderers in Texas. He has a shootout with mobster Joseph Palermo literally right in front of his office door, which ends in a couple of people dead.  Mitchell beats the shit out of Palermo, then arrests him, and is told to escort him back to Italy so he will no longer be Texas’ problem.  Naturally the mobster escapes on the way, and Mitchell II sets about pissing off the entire island of Malta in the attempt to hunt him down and recapture him.

I take back what I said about both Gregorio Sala and Joe Estevez. At the time I reviewed Track of the Moon Beast and Werewolf I had totally forgotten that the reincarnation of Mitchell here is supposed to be an Apache.  Joe Don Baker is officially and forevermore MST3K’s whitest Native American.

I know we’re supposed to consider Mitchell, the Sequel an antihero who plays by his own rules, and cheer him on in his attempts to recapture Palermo.  I know Wilson turns out to be a bad guy and Palermo has probably killed more people than Mitchell has. But this asshole spends the whole movie stomping around, being rude and obnoxious and shooting people and belittling the woman who’s trying to help him and generally leaving me sitting here thinking so this is how Europe sees Americans.  The Superintendent calls him ‘a walking disaster area,’ ‘leaving bodies in the streets’, and he’s right.  This man is the personification of police brutality.

Do you know what would have happened if Mitchell had gone the hell home when he was told to?  Yes, Palermo would have gotten away, but absolutely nobody would have died, way less property would have been destroyed, and the population of Malta as a whole would have had much nicer weekend!  Do these people not matter?  How about the woman who saw her son nearly killed in front of her?  How about the stripper who got her throat cut?  If Mitchell had just sat his ass down none of that would have happened.

In fact, I think I can make a case that this Mitchell is a significantly less appealing character than his predecessor.  See if you can follow me here.

Mitchell Senior was completely lacking in social skills and basic hygiene, but his motivation throughout his movie was to get justice for a murder victim nobody else cared about.  He followed the rules to a T – the bad guys tried to bribe him with a prostitute, and he arrested her for possession of drugs.  The only guy he killed was the villain, and while he did shoot Bocca he deliberately minimized the chances of a fatal injury.  He rebelled by following his assignment so hard his boss wished he’d never given it to him.  Having been told to follow Cummins, he follows him almost all the way to Mexico. And it was the 70s, so he has an excuse for being badly-dressed!

Mitchell 2, Electric Boogaloo, ignores the rules.  He’s a guest in another country, their police are telling him to stop breaking their shit, and he goes out and keeps doing it.  He commits more on-screen crimes than all the bad guys put together.  He starts a fight over a glass of milk and nearly drowns a bartender.  He shoots dudes down in the street, steals boats, and destroys property.  Having been asked to give his word he lies through his teeth, and he dresses like he might as well be wearing a sign that says asshole from Texas.  He’s so awful he makes Mitchell One look good.

He wouldn’t even be a good character for a comedy, since the point of an asshole in a comedy is that he does things we wish we could get away with, and when comedy assholes are supposed to be the good guys they usually end up learning something (often that they’re assholes).  2 Fast 2 Mitchell learns nothing. He doesn’t come to respect this foreign culture he’s encountered.  He doesn’t realize he was acting out of line.  I honestly think that, like MacGuyver in Atlantic Rim, he’s meant to teach the rest of the cast that assholes should be free to be assholes so they can save the rest of us who aren’t brave enough to shoot first and never fucking bother with the questions.

I’m not sure Final Justice is a comedy, anyway.  It did occur to me… there are at least parts of this movie that I’m pretty sure are meant to be funny.  The idea of transposing cowboy movie shootouts and chases to a European landscape of renaissance art and architecture is probably supposed to be funny.  You’ve got a so-called ‘hero’ who’s a rootin'-tootin'-shootin' cowboy and a villain who’s an honour-and-family-obsessed Italian mobster… that’s a genre crossover, and those are usually comedies, right?  I’m almost certain that Mitchell getting repeatedly arrested and yelled at by the Maltese police is a joke, and the old Nonna trying to confess her sins to a mobster disguised as a monk feels joke-ish.  Yet it’s just missing something.  What could it be?

Oh, right, a main character who’s actually funny.

There is one thing that actually made me laugh in the movie, rather than because of Mike, Crow, and Tom’s commentary – and that’s the blurred rectangle over every shot of the Smuggler’s Tavern strippers, to make sure we won’t see a nipple.  It could not draw more attention to itself if it tried, and maybe it’s just the edition I watched but there was not a single wardrobe malfunction in the shots they used anyway!  There were bits with the strippers topless in the original cut, but those didn’t make it into the version MST3K used. So they blurred it out… just in case?  Did they not want us imagining nipples?  Did the tumblr staff edit this movie?

So the main character sucks… sometimes entertaining side characters can save a movie.  Sadly, there are none here.  The villains are stock mobsters with it’s-a-me, Mario! accents.  The Maltese police chief talks big but seems unwilling to actually do anything to back up his threats to Mitchell.  Then there’s Maria, who is supposed to be a policewoman but mostly acts as a tour guide.  She’s very nearly another example of a sexy lamp.  She does nothing of any importance in this movie except for turning up to spring Mitchell from a jail cell.  The writers clearly couldn’t think of any better way to get him out of a locked room, either, because they have a stripper do the exact same thing.  This other woman never has much by way of personality, and is otherwise just there to look pretty.

The other function Maria serves is to repeatedly tell her superiors that Mitchell didn’t start any of the fights he gets into.  Anybody who has been watching the movie knows that this is a giant fucking lie.  He’s the one who challenged the mobsters in the courtyard and he shot first.  He could have shrugged off the weirdo in the Smuggler’s Tavern pouring beer on him but he didn’t.  Every time things go wrong in this movie it is always his fault.

As far as thematic material goes, I’m pretty sure Final Justice is trying to examine the difference between ‘law’ and ‘justice’.  This is a worthy topic of discussion.  The law is not always just, and even when it is, people do not always apply it in just ways. But a guy who wanders around a foreign country shooting people with only a suspicion that they work for the bad guy, who walks into a bar and announces ‘I don’t want any trouble here!’ before punching everybody in sight, is not the best spokesman for that idea.  Mitchell probably has extra guns stashed all over his house in case The Gubbamint tries to take them away.

The fact that the Maltese are not shown doing anything except yelling at Mitchell 2: Through the Portal of Time, seems to imply that they would have been completely unable to capture Palermo on their own.  Boy, good thing Mitchell was there!  Do Americans really think other countries can’t handle their own problems without an intervention by some bald-eagled ass-whoopin’ liberty?  Looking at the history of the twentieth century, I’m gonna say that yes, they do.

Really all Final Justice is, is a bad cop movie with some unusual accessories.  If it were set in New York or Los Angeles it would be entirely forgettable.  The art and architecture we see in Malta, and the glimpse of their culture (I will admit that the floats in the festa parade are just slightly nightmare-fuel-ish) is pretty much the only reason to watch it.  Even then, there’s not enough of that stuff to make up for how fucking awful the movie’s entire mindset is.

I used to feel pretty meh about Final Justice but I’d never bothered to actually try to analyze it like this.  The more I think about it, the more layers I uncover, the worse it gets.  Everything about it is terrible.  The only level I can find to praise it on is that the photography is decent and you can always tell what’s going on, but even that is wasted on fucking Mitchell 2: Hellbound doing stupid offensive shit. Even the title sucks.  The movie was shot under the working title The Maltese Connection, which at least sounds kind of cool even if the movie it were attached to would still have been Final Justice.

Fuck this movie.

[bigbrothermonopoly]

EPISODE 2:

HOH: KRISTINE

EVICTED: NICKY (WALKED)

JESS:

Kristine being in power scares me shitless. I know I haven't exactly been the MOST social person in this game and I've been very UTR the last couple of days/ non existent but I always felt like I was good with Kristine. I don't know? I thought we talked a good bit at least in comparison to others.... but then after she won I called her the HBIC and homegirl told me she loved my ass kissing. That HOHITIS is real with this one ladies. I offered up my services as a potential person to work with moving forward and she ignored my offer. She literally swerved me. Straight up IGNORED me and focused on what I said about not being social. So there is a good chance I'm going up and if I don't go up it isn't because Kristine doesn't want it.. it'll probably be because others don't want it. At least I hope? I'm trying NOT to go into crisis mode on the second HOH but... old habits die hard? I think that's the quote? I think if I had to write a "trust list" for this game.. honestly.. I'm feeling really good about Kori. I THINK we could go far together and we'd balance out each other well. Obviously he's a good player and I'm going to need that on my side moving forward. Eve is obviously my #1 right now but it'd be naive on me not to believe that others aren't saying the same about her. I really like Andrew but we don't talk game? But I guess I can improve on that? Those are the 3 people I'm vibing with right now. 

KORI:

Ok so at this point I'm not entirely sure if I made a DR entry earlier or not, I planned on making a video but at this point it'd just get too long. Rehder going unanimously is STILL a meme to me but here we are. Kristine winning HoH was honestly alright for me because I feel like she and I have a reasonably good relationship. Though I'm not sure it could ever be something long term because she's likely working with people I have no desire to work with. (Dem, Chris, Brien, those guys.) Emma and I had a serious talk about long term what we wanna do about Eve since we seem pretty in agreement that the current dynamic is Jess and Mackenzie are Eve's Top 2 Bitches, and we're like probably the Bottom 2 Bitches. Personally I think the best time for Eve to go is like F7ish but obviously we need more time for things to progress to see where we sit. I think longterm the Mandela Monocles are a better alliance for me since I think I could sit next to Austin OR Silence and win. I just can't sit next to Gwen who I really think just has a better personality than me. With Kristine nominating Madison it... isn't really ideal for me, but Madison is also pretty isolated at this point. While we have that Mitten Connection, if she is lacking any connection with others in this game I can't go dragging my feet for her... That being said, I think eliminating Nicky this round, would not be like... the WORST thing ever. It'd just be a question of convincing Gwen that it's a good idea. Though the harder thing would be convincing others that keeping Madison is a good idea. While I like her, I'm not sure it's in my best interest to leave tracks trying to keep her in the game. Obviously it's gonna depend on how Veto goes, if noms stay the same I might push a little for a Nicky boot and see what happens, but if it's not gonna happen I'll just cut my losses. (Though with Nicky doing his thing he seems likely to dig his own grave.)

AUSTIN:

I am feeling very comfortable this week. I’m in the power trap alliance with Chris, Kristine, Dem, and Emma. I’m also in the Mandela Monocles alliance with Gwen, Silence, and Kori. Kristine is currently HoH so I don’t think she will put me on the block. I have suspicions that Emma is working with Eve because when we were playing the HoH competition, Emma refused to take Eve out. I’m just glad that one of my alliances is in power.

KRISTINE:

Love the alliance. So happy I won HOH and got to be in power. The veto comp didn’t go as well as planned tbh. I’m sooo upset that I didn’t do as well as I wanted I was up at 200 something and then lost it all over a very stupid roll. But it’s fine whether I win this or not I know I’ll get my way. Nicky is going home, let’s just hope he doesn’t win HOH. Don’t ever argue with the HOH when you’re the one on the block LOL!!!

NICKY:

CAN I LIVE? Can i fucking live? there are 16 other people in this and yet i got nommed for a stupid reason yet again. 

WILLIAM:

I'm so glad I escaped this week without being nominated!!! I feel so much better this week than last week! At the end of last week I thought for sure I was gonna leave pre-jury but now I feel like I've made so many real connections and I feel like I am in a great spot with many people

ANDREW:

episode 2 This could be super naive of me to say and a little cocky and i know it 100% IS but i feel like almost everyone in this game loves me besides nicky, i think im just playing a really good social game im scared of eve for some reason i feel like she is the only person possibly playing a better game than me. just get those competitive af vibes from her, i will not go after her unless she comes for me doe. shes super cute tho love her vibes, and I think me and Jess formed and alliance just now As of now Austin Jess and Chris are my top 3 in that order Update: I love Eve, we had an emotional heart to heart about STUFF, ill never forget it and i appreciate her for it so much, even if we don't end up being on the same side in this game together, the bitch is dope. I fucking love these noms dude, my 2 least favorite people sittingpretty on the block and i had nothing to do with it. HORNY cuz they wont even be coming for me. I hope nicky fucking bombs veto. "i cant talk to all 16 of u at once" ya....nobody fuckin asked you too but kristines point is sometimes a simple HELLO can save u from being nominated But regardless im proud of her and her tatse. * has one mixed drink and suddenly wants to fight nicky for no reason * oops i apologized to him and i didn’t even read anything from last night after what i said bc embarrassment. idc if he accept my apology, just wanted to throw it out there so i don’t look like a total douche

CHRIS:

Well week Number two and I’m in two separate alliances, have House majority, close with a few women, beyond the game have final choose with multiple people, should not be on the block for a long time, while slowly running this game behind the scenes with Myself. This backseat life is the best life

GWEN:

Hiiii. So looks like Nicky is going home tonight. He kind of dug his own grave. He was such a party pooper during our house game on Friday. Sooo. Yeah. I’m closest with Kori and Chris - getting closer to Chris for sure. What is it with me and Chris’s in ORGs? I need to get back to work. That is all for now :)

MACKENZIE:

i really gotta uhhhhh try harder bc i feel on the lowest end of the Entire Totem Pole. i feel like if i won smthn that would change but i’m a flop so

DEM:

I actually would have kept Nicky if he had the numbers. I wish he didn't quit. I think he messed up by throwing names around, because some people actually wanted to keep him...

EMMA:

if u cant handle the heat nicky why did u sign up.. quitting is worst then getting evicted.

TAWNI:

Ok since I was out of it last round time for my cast assessment now. Since this was due prior to Nicky quitting I’ll include him Nicky - I forgot he existed week one. Actually sad he quit and was gonna leave cause he was entertaining arguing with Kristine Gwen - I love Gwen. She allows me to not be the official grandma of the game. She is very sociable which is scary. But I think I can trust her. Austin - automatically meh about him cause of his name. Pretty forgettable honestly. Mackenzie - nice gal. Nothing negative to say. Haven’t talked much. Jess - the person I’m most terrified of. When I realized she is THE boojess like fuck me. I’m scared. I feel like as long as I don’t get on her bad side I’m good. William - seems like a good kid. Kristine - I’m v intimidated by her. She won hoh and veto and seems like a very smart player. She makes me nervous. Silence - who???? Brien- ok this kid. I’m doing what I can to get him to trust me. I know he is a loyal person. But am I the person he is loyal to? Or is it someone else? How do I make sure I am that person? Dem - nothing really to say MADISON - I love her sooooooooo much. She’s like the light of my life honestly and if I find out something different I’m gonna cry. Like I feel like a betrayal from her will hurt the most in this game. Andrew - okay first off......damn. I’m aware of his sexual orientation but boy sent me a photo so I could see his tattoos and DAMN!!! I need me a straight one of him. But he is a fun character I like him. Chris - I think I freaked him out when I sent him a long message about how I’m scared of cops. But I didn’t go up week one so that happened. I’m hoping I can work my way into his good graces later. Emma - seems like a sweet gal. I enjoy her. Kori - nothing to say sorry

[videobugs]

Answer ALL the cartoon badlands questions!

Fjdjsk ok!! I’ll try my best there’s a lot of questions lol

A cartoon you remember that nobody else does.

I remember this weird show from my childhood about healthy snacks or something and I specifically remember there being an episode about potatoes but no one I talk to knows what I’m talking about ??? I have very distinct memories of this show but I have no idea what it was called

A cartoon you like but nobody else seems to.

I really like phineas and ferb!!! It’s a great show but I haven’t met anyone outside my family who watches it except for like one person I met online last year. Which is too bad bc it’s really funny

A cartoon you don’t like but everybody else seems to.

Rick and morty I guess? Seems like everyone loves it but I don’t see what the big deal is about tbh it doesn’t appeal to me at ALL

A cartoon you wish would be forgotten.

There’s a lot of gross anime that I wish would be destroyed forever. Most noticeably all the incest and pedo anime that exists for some reason

The worst cartoon you’ve ever seen, and why?

American dad/family guy (against my will). I was playing on the TV in a public area I was working in so I couldn’t escape it and it was terrible. I don’t remember which one it was but they’re functionally the same. I don’t think I need to explain Why they’re terrible they’re just objectively bad

The worst moment you’ve ever seen happen in a cartoon.

Out of everything I’ve watched probably setsukos death scenes in grave of the fireflies.

The worst thing you’ve ever seen happen to a cartoon that ruined it.

Anytime random fanservice shots are added into otherwise good anime and distracts from the plot to focus on some girls boobs it’s annoying and gross

A cancelled/forgotten cartoon you would bring back to television.

POPEE THE PERFORMER!!! I love that show I wish there were more episodes :(

An animated character you remember but nobody else seems to.

Hmmm… I don’t really have an answer to this one! Sorry!

An animated character you hate the most, and why?

Uhh out of everything PROBABLY kirito from sword art online. He’s ridiculously overpowered and annoying, everything focuses on him like he’s the center of the universe, he’s super edgy for no reason, a complete Mary Sue… and he totally ruins what could have been an interesting concept

A non-animated property you would like to see as a cartoon

I still think an animated warriors movie would be super cool!!! It’s something I’ve been thinking of since like 4th grade and I think it’d be great :0

A trope or trend in animation that you dislike.

Drawing eyes as spheres that are overlapped by eyelids like how eyes in gravity falls are drawn. I personally just really hate that type of art style

A currently airing cartoon that you know is going to be forgotten about in the future.

I’m not really sure… anything I can think of rn is either good so it’ll be remembered, or terrible so it will be remembered for how bad it is

The best episode of a cartoon you really like.

Either crossroads of destiny or the Sozins comet episodes from atla!! They were some of the best in the series and had really great fight scenes !!

The worst episode of a cartoon you really like.

I said this for an answer to another question but gem harvest was the worst su episode I’ve ever seen. I can’t find anything positive to say about it at all it was just so terrible

A cartoon you feel deserves more recognition than it gets.

Definitely tsuritama, it was amazing what they could do on such a small budget and the end product was really great…I feel like not enough ppl know about this show bc it was really nice

A cartoon you feel deserves less recognition than what it gets.

Honestly? I have no idea

The worst idea you can think of for an animated series.

I’m not sure anything can top that horse girl anime tbh

At what point did you realize a cartoon, any cartoon was starting to get bad?

When gem harvest aired on Steven universe. It has already been going downhill noticeably since barn mates but gem harvest was so terrible it put me off the show for a long time, and it’s only recently getting better (although I suspect it’s going to just get worse again since the writers always seem to focus on the most boring aspects of the universe).

An experience with a cartoon you thought you were going to like but turned you away from it.

Right at the beginning of RWBY with everyone’s voices. I had watched all the trailers and was super hyped for the show, but everyone’s voices seemed to fit so terribly I had to stop watching the show after like 6 episodes.

Something you would like to see more than anything in a cartoon.

I think it’d be really cool to see characters like me in a cartoon, ones with similar problems or disadvantages. I haven’t really seen anything like that in cartoons so far

What do you feel makes a cartoon forgettable?

Mediocre writing and a boring but passable art style. That’s what makes cartoons stand out, but if everything is just “meh” no one will have any reason to remember it existed.

Wow that got really long

[junker-town]

Which ‘can’t miss’ 2017 NFL predictions were we laughably wrong about?

It’s time to revisit what we thought would happen before the season began.

Back in August, the SB Nation NFL writers labeled our projections for the season preview as “can’t-miss predictions.” We’re obviously experts in our field and are rarely, if ever, wrong.

OK — I barely got through writing that sentence without laughing. Trying to project what could happen in a sport as unpredictable as the NFL is a fool’s game. But it’s still fun to take a look back at what we said then now that we’re more than halfway through the season.

So without further ado, let’s revisit our predictions and see how they look heading into Week 10.

MVP

It was impossible to know going into this that Aaron Rodgers would end up on injured reserve with a broken collarbone. He’s usually a safe bet to be considered for this award every season. The other two are still in the running, though Brady has a much better shot.

Harry Lyles Jr.: Aaron Rodgers

I was feeling so good about my pick, especially after he ripped the hearts out of the Dallas Cowboys in early October. I should get half of a win here, honestly.

Jeanna Thomas: Tom Brady

He’s a perpetual candidate. He got off to a shaky start in Week 1, but he’s playing like Tom Brady now.

Adam Stites: Dak Prescott

The thought at the time of the prediction was that he’d have to lead the Cowboys through the suspension of Ezekiel Elliott. So, uh, here we go. It’d be a surprise if he got in the mix with his efficient, but just decent numbers, though.

Most improved player of the year

Adam certainly came the closest here. What a difference a year — and a new head coach and offensive coordinator, as well as a resurgent Todd Gurley — can make.

Harry: Austin Hooper

Welp, this one hasn’t gone well. Hooper has been the least of the Falcons’ worries in an offense that has been nothing like it was in 2016.

Jeanna: Grady Jarrett

Jarrett has played well for the Falcons this season. But he doesn’t hold a candle to the magic Jared Goff is making behind center for the Rams.

Adam: Jared Goff

This pick is worth a victory lap. I thought he’d take a step forward, but it was tough to imagine he’d go from bustville to offensive juggernaut like that.

Hoss of the year

At this point, it’s got to be Joey Bosa. Von Miller is just one-half of a sack behind him, but the second-year Chargers defensive end is the only player in NFL history to record 19 sacks in his first 20 games.

Harry: Von Miller

Miller has had a good season with eight sacks. He’s three behind league leader Calais Campbell, and could catch fire and make a second-half push.

Jeanna: Khalil Mack

Mack is still the best player on that side of the ball for the Raiders. His contributions just aren’t showing up on the stat sheet this season.

Adam: Joey Bosa

Through eight games, Bosa has 8.5 sacks. That’s pretty damn good. It still feels like his season is flying under the radar, though. Maybe that’s because of the Chargers’ 3-5 record and struggling run defense.

Most disrespectful blocker of the year

This one was harder to project. Trent Williams did get the nod in Week 1. And the Cowboys offensive line is gelling at just the right time for Tyron Smith’s crew to get a mention after Week 9.

Harry: Tyron Smith

Smith is still one of the best left tackles in the game, but he’s dealt with back soreness for most of the season and will miss his first game of the season in Week 10.

Jeanna: Ryan Schraeder

He hasn’t landed in Geoff Schwartz’s Disrespectful Blockers of the Week roundup yet. But his absence was felt when he was sidelined with a concussion during the Falcons’ narrow win over the Lions and their loss to Buffalo.

Adam: Trent Williams

It’s been a good, not great year for Trent Williams who has dealt with knee problems for much of the year. A decent year for the Washington left tackle is better than most people’s best years, but 2017 has been forgettable by his standards.

Rookie who will make the biggest impact

Another category swayed by injury. Dalvin Cook was off to a promising start, but his rookie season was cut short by a torn ACL. The Panthers haven’t used McCaffrey to his full potential, and an injury delayed the start of Myles Garrett’s rookie season. Deshaun Watson would have been a shoo-in over every candidate listed here, but he’s out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL, too.

Harry: Dalvin Cook

I would like to take this time to personally apologize to Dalvin Cook and Aaron Rodgers. Clearly I jinxed you both.

Jeanna: Myles Garrett

I still think Garrett can live up to his first overall pick billing. He has four sacks through three games, which is a pretty great start.

Adam: Christian McCaffrey

He’s near the league lead in receptions so he’s making some kind of impact in Carolina. But 2.9 yards per carry and just three touchdowns is pretty underwhelming. Meh.

First coach to be fired

Remember when we all thought the Jets were definitely tanking? Well, they’re not. They’re 4-5. Bowles is not likely to go, but another coach in New York State may want to watch his back. Looking at you, Ben McAdoo. Adam may be right here by default. The Colts are a disaster.

Harry: Todd Bowles

If anything, I would argue Bowles has pretty much secured at least one more year with the team. Nobody saw them being as good as they’ve been. It will be interesting to see how much better they can be when they get long-term pieces in place.

Jeanna: Todd Bowles

The Jets are actually not bad, and Bowles has been able to coax a 4-5 performance out of his guys despite not having a ton of talent to work with.

Adam: Chuck Pagano

It’s actually kind of shocking the Colts have three wins considering they’re bad at, well, everything. Kudos to Pagano for that, I guess. It’s hard to imagine he’s the team’s coach in 2018, though.

The Dak Prescott Award for a rookie who came out of nowhere

Kareem Hunt. JuJu Smith-Schuster. Tarik Cohen. There are plenty of guys we should have named instead of the players we chose. But the whole point of a rookie who comes out of nowhere is that it’s almost impossible to project. None of the choices we made are getting a ton of opportunities.

Harry: Samaje Perine

Perine has had an up-and-down rookie year. When Rob Kelley was sidelined with an injury, Perine got his chance to be the lead back, but he didn’t make a huge impact. Chris Thompson’s breakout season has also taken away some of Perine’s opportunities.

Jeanna: Chris Godwin

Godwin hasn’t done much this season, though he hasn’t really gotten a shot. Maybe that will change in Week 10, when Mike Evans has to serve his one-game suspension for a fight with the Saints’ Marshawn Lattimore. Godwin will have Ryan Fitzpatrick throwing to him, but he still has a chance to make an impression.

Adam: Chris Carson

I should’ve known better than to pick a Seahawks running back. He looked good for about four games until the Seattle curse claimed him and he went on IR, because they’re not allowed to have good running backs, apparently.

Team that will most regret not signing Colin Kaepernick

Look: We weren’t wrong. It’s just that there are a lot of teams that should regret not signing the most experienced, talented free agent quarterback available. The Cleveland Browns, Houston Texans, Miami Dolphins, and Arizona Cardinals all come to mind. But the Jaguars are still an accurate and perfectly acceptable answer.

Harry: Jacksonville Jaguars

While they could have certainly benefitted from Kaepernick through the first half of the season, I think it’s safe to say the Broncos are the team regretting it the most at this point. The Texans will be a strong contender moving forward with Deshaun Watson out.

Jeanna: Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars’ defense is good enough to overcome Blake Bortles at quarterback to an extent. But this team might be unstoppable with a good signal caller.

Adam: Jacksonville Jaguars

There are bad teams that need Kaepernick more right now, but this prediction will 100 percent ring true if Bortles looks terrible in the playoffs and the Jaguars get bounced right away. That scenario is very realistic.

Playoff team nobody predicted

The Lions kept themselves in the mix for the postseason with a Week 9 win over the Packers, and the Eagles are the best team in the dang league right now. The other team is the Browns.

Harry: Philadelphia Eagles

Well now, I didn’t see them being the best team in the NFL through the first half of the season, but I’ll take all the credit. After all, not all my predictions have to be bad news for the selected, right?

Jeanna: Cleveland Browns

Sigh. Wishful thinking. Maybe next year, Browns fans.

Adam: Detroit Lions

I thought the Lions would be better than last year. They’re not. But they’re 4-4, navigated a tough schedule early, and have to get through Case Keenum, Brett Hundley and Mitchell Trubisky now. Things could be much worse.

Team that didn’t come close to meeting high expectations

The Raiders are 4-5, while the Falcons are 4-4. The Cowboys are 5-3, and Ezekiel Elliott’s suspension will finally start in Week 10. That makes this a much tougher road for Dallas. We’re all pretty much correct.

Harry: Oakland Raiders

I didn’t expect the Raiders to be as poor as they’ve been this season, but this holds up. Adam certainly appears to have this one locked up at this point, but things could always change.

Jeanna: Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys have been good, but not as good as last season. And they trail the Eagles by 2.5 games in the division.

Adam: Atlanta Falcons

Losing in the Super Bowl has a knack for bringing teams back down to Earth. Being 4-4 really isn’t that bad.

Most overrated player

Jeanna: Drew Brees

Brees ranks fifth in the league for passing yards this season and the Saints may not finish 7-9 for the first time in recent memory. I was wrong.

Adam: Derrick Henry

It doesn’t feel like anyone is talking about the Titans running back, so I don’t think overrated would be an appropriate label. Also, he’s been pretty good. Swing and a miss on this one.

Who will stop the Patriots?

As usual, it’s looking like nobody and nothing can stop the Patriots. Maybe the Eagles, if they both get to the Super Bowl. But it sure wasn’t the Falcons, and age isn’t slowing Brady down, either.

Harry: Pittsburgh Steelers

After all this drama they’ve gone through this season, the Steelers are genuinely one of the most fun teams to watch in the NFL. I’m feeling good about this one.

Jeanna: Atlanta Falcons

Yeah, the Patriots beat Atlanta 23-7. This didn’t work out.

Adam: Father Time vs. Tom Brady

Nope. Father Time lost this battle so bad that the Patriots traded away a 26-year-old quarterback just to rub it in.

Which player will be first to get fined for celebrating?

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. It was Steelers linebacker Bud Dupree, who was fined for a sack celebration involving hip thrusting. Three pumps still gets you a fine, Bud.

Harry: DeSean Jackson

I tried!

Jeanna: Josh Norman

Nobody would have guessed Dupree. I was torn between Norman and Odell Beckham Jr., and I would have been closer with OBJ.

Adam: Josh Norman

In a year that’s had fights and trash talk, who would’ve guessed that Norman would be on his best behavior?

MVP, Most Valued Punter

Both good choices. You can’t go wrong with two of the most entertaining punters in the league.

Harry: Marquette King

Marquette’s been pretty busy this season with the Raiders not as sharp as they were last season. But Johnny Hekker is clearly a generational talent at the position.

Jeanna: Marquette King

The Falcons’ Matt Bosher is a close second for the way he lays people out on the field. But Marquette King is always going to have my vote for this.

Adam: Johnny Hekker

He now has 36 punts downed inside the 20 and just two touchbacks since the beginning of 2016, but who’s counting? If you really aren’t convinced Johnny Hekker is a Madden cheat code at punter, look at his trick shot called “The Banana.”