#like where is the mental space to write badly for fun? to experiment with weird ideas?

[displayheartcode]

[arrives late with Dunkin’] I think something we can all agree on is that the commodification and monetization of fanfic is icky

[souvenirsofsurgery]

Fiction Podcast Recommendations

Because this is the only media I consume anymore. Let’s get the big ones out of the way first!

1. Welcome to Night Vale

The OG. This was the first podcast I really got into and I am very sentimental about it. It’s the funniest and most uplifting piece of horror media I’ve ever found, and I love it for that. And I’m obsessed with the weird worldbuilding, the atmosphere is absolutely perfect. Also, gay main character, which I pretty much require at this point. 

It can take a minute to get into if you really want some plot, but I promise some plot is coming.

2. The Magnus Archives

This is a great horror anthology that also ends up having a really interesting overarching plot. I’m warning you right off that bat that it is a tragedy, though, and we’re all anticipating being absolutely crushed when it ends. But! Canonically biromantic asexual main character, which we love.

Similar to Welcome to Night Vale, you’re going to have to be a little patient if you really wanna get to that plot, but it’ll get there. 

3. The Adventure Zone

One of my absolute favorites. It’s a D&D podcast, but no D&D knowledge is required to enjoy it (I didn’t play D&D when I first started listening). It’s funny and endearing, and also has made me sob so hard that my family thought something was wrong with me. I still think about the ending of the Balance arc, because I’ve never found an ending in any other piece of media that is so emotional and satisfying. 

And as far as representation goes, the first arc has a gay main character, second arc has a bi woman main character, and third arc has a main character who is technically asexual, although that hasn’t been confirmed in canon at this point. Also plenty of LGBTQ+ side characters, including a trans woman (Lup I have a crush on you <3) in the first arc and a nonbinary person in the second. 

4. The Penumbra Podcast

Welcome to the queerest thing I have ever seen in my life. Just straight up no cishets around, it’s beautiful. 

This one actually has two separate storylines. The Juno Steel one is about a private eye on Mars, and the Second Citadel is sort of an ensemble story in a fantasy setting, and I would highly recommend both of them. Like would you like to hear a noir inspired story set in space with a nonbinary bisexual detective protagonist and a homme fatale criminal love interest? You absolutely would. Or would you like to hear about a knight who is sworn to hunt monsters having an existential crisis because he’s having some feelings about a monster he just had a homoerotic sword fight with? Obviously you would. Listen to this podcast.

Anyway! Let’s get into some of the smaller podcasts! 

5. Death by Dying

This one is so much fun. Love the weird vibes of this creepy little town. We’ve got an obituary writer who just doesn’t even seem to realize how bizarre all the deaths he’s writing about are, I’m obsessed with it. As soon as he started reading out the condolences and they were just in-universe ads I lost it, that’s so funny to me and I immediately knew I was going to love this podcast. 

6. Kaleidotrope 

Fanfiction gays, this one is for you. Here is a college that is said to be magic, where everyone will find their romantic trope and fall in love. The main characters are running a college radio show together, with one of them believing in this magic absolutely and the other being very skeptical. Will they fall in love? :)))))))

This one is so cheesy, and it’s very small so the audio is pretty scuffed, but it’s so sweet and I love it. Both of the main characters are queer and one of them is nonbinary.

7. Brimstone Valley Mall

I’m obsessed with this podcast! Nobody is talking about it and I’m obsessed with it! It’s demons working in a mall in the 90s, who also have a band together. Wtf I love that. One of the main characters is gay, and another one is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns. Please listen to this podcast, I want it to get more popular so badly. 

8. The Strange Case of Starship Iris

This one is so sweet and I love it so much. Gay space criminals? That’s everything I love. It also just has so much heart, I want to cry. There’s a bisexual woman main character, another WLW main character, a trans man main character, and a nonbinary main character (who, yes, is an alien, but I will let it slide because there is also a nonbinary human side character). 

9. Alice Isn’t Dead

The vibes are impeccable. I listened to a lot of this one while I was on a road trip by myself in rural America, and that is the ideal experience. This is about a woman trucking across America looking for her missing wife. It’s so quietly creepy, and I’ve got a thing for weird Americana. And there are lesbians too, so. 

Also, the main character dealing with her anxiety was something that was actually really important to me. I really liked hearing about someone who didn’t “cure” her mental health problems, but grew and learned to manage them better. It was just a very important story to me, and I still think about her all the time.

10. CARAVAN

Every single person involved with making this needs to go to horny jail. I am so serious. You will hear an extended conversation about how, like all of these characters are monster fuckers, and also very audibly hear two characters have sex. So, you know, you’ve been warned.

But, all that aside, this one is about a man who accidentally ends up in this weird hell world, and has to try to figure out how to get back home. It’s really fun, but also gets pretty heavy towards the end. Definitely read the content warnings ahead of time. 

This one’s also queer, obviously, with a bisexual man as the main character and some queer side characters (Including Virgil who I do have a crush on. The morally dubious enbies just get me.)

[thedrowsydoormouse]

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

All the time. I wouldn’t be shocked if I woke up one day still as a little kid and all this was some weird fever dream.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Is 0 an option? If not then 1. 

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Jared Leto. I have zero interest being sexually harassed or any of the other shit he thinks is ok. My other answer would’ve been Harvey Weinstein but I’ve regrettably already met him at a party when I was 13 and promptly threw up in a trash can because the vibes I got off him were so negative they made me physically ill.

4. What is your favorite word?

Fuck. It’s so versatile.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

Palm tree. 

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“Holy shit! My hair’s still curly! I thought that bun fucked it up!”

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A super old black tank top with a faded Union Jack on it that’s covered in holes but is super comfy so I wear it to bed.

8. What do you label yourself as?

Demi-pansexual goth-y punk rocker chick with emotional intimacy issues, a biting wit, and a flair for the dramatic

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dark. I’m like a vampire. I hate the light. It gives me headaches.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Watching TV.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

So far 25 has been pretty good.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My partner.

13. Your worst enemy?

Red meat. Makes me crazy sick.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

15. Do you like someone?

It’d be awkward if I didn’t considering I’m in a committed relationship.

16. The last song you listened to?

Basket Case by Green Day.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Trump. It’d solve so many problems.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Trump. Any question like this has the exact same answer.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

I’d make Trump be my slave while I donate both of our time helping the homeless and the “illegal” immigrants in Downtown LA. That way I can punish him while also doing some good.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

My hair. When I let it air dry it has the best curls I’ve ever seen!

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

I’d probably look the same but without tits and I’d probably jerk off a lot.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I can always predict when my brother’s going to be home to within a 10 minute window.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Dying at Disneyland.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Caprese sandwich. It’s just as good fresh as it is as a grilled cheese.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Probably on either makeup or skincare because I need to replace a few things that I’m running low on.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Tokyo Disney Resort. 

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Captain Morgan Watermelon Smash. I love watermelon and I love rum and that’s the best mix of the two.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Every single person is equal. Full stop. Anyone who says otherwise is banished back to the mainland.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My dance bag. It has a lot of good memories attached to it and has my first pair of pointe shoes in it which I can’t replace.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Watching the plane hit the 2nd tower live on TV on 9/11 when I was only 7. It fucked me up so badly I’m still in therapy for it.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! 

I’d probably wanna move to either Paris or Tokyo.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Carrie Fisher. The world needs our crazy space mom to shock it back into the good timeline.

34. What was your last dream about?

It was super mundane. I was painting my nails. They were gorgeous.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

I’m good at a lot of things.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

No. And I hope I never am until I’m in a body bag on my way to the morgue.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

I’m from Southern California. We don’t get snow.

38. What is the color of your socks?

One is aqua with flamingos and pineapples and the other is grey with rainbows and clouds. They are also currently inside out.

39. What type of music do you like?

I mostly listen to punk, grunge, classing rock, show tunes, stuff like that. I’m pretty open to everything except religious, children's, and rap. And free-form jazz. I hate that shit.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

It depends on where I’m getting it but anything super sugary.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I hate football. The only sport I even sorta watch is baseball.

43. Do you have any scars?

A few. None of them are very noticeable, though, and they’re all in hidden places.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? 

I wanted to do something in the entertainment industry. So I studied costume design. Instead I just fucked up my mental and physical heath almost to the point of no return.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Nothing. I love myself exactly as I am.

46. Are you reliable?

Shockingly, yes. I seem super flaky but if you need someone to get something done or remember some random shit I’m your girl.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Depends on how far in the future. But I think it would be who wins the presidential election this year. Because if we have to deal with 4 more years of Trump I’m going to kill myself.

48. Do you hold grudges?

Like you wouldn’t believe.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

CatDog. And not just because of the cartoon from when I was a kid.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Me and my therapist were talking about how Columbus is the reason humans have chlamydia.

51. Are you a good liar?

Extremely. 

52. How long could you go without talking?

However long I need to. I spend a lot of time alone so talking isn’t really a big deal for me.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

I once had a bob when I was a kid. It wasn’t a good look. I don’t have the bone structure.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

I love baking and cakes are super fun to make!

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Many! I used to do theatre and the more accents you could do the more roles you could get.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter. Melted. I’m a simple girl.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

I was watching Next In Fashion and got pissed that they didn’t have a single plaid fabric in the studio so I drew this red carpet look using almost entirely plaids.

58. What would be you dream car?

A motorcycle.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I love to sing in the bath. I even have a special playlist that’s just songs I sing in the bath.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

I’d be stupid not to.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

I used to. Not so much anymore.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

This is a stupid question.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons. Hands down.

64. What do you think about babies?

Cool in theory, horrible in practice. I will never be a mom.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

I’ll use the same question I asked @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam​ which was “If your universe suddenly stopped existing and you had to pick another one to live in, which would you pick?” and my answer would be probably the one that I keep seeing in my head that I’m writing a book about because I know shit isn’t going to hit the fan and the world is actually on the mend. But only if I can swap places with the main character of the book because she’s awesome and I love the way her story ends.

[witcheskin]

To the man I call ‘boss’

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. You walked through the door and your presence engulfed the room, my body broke into a sweat and my heart began to race. You smiled at me as our eyes met and offered an apology.  You took a seat and I could feel your eyes boring into me and the heat rushing to my cheeks, but I plastered a smile on my face and kept talking. A mixture of thoughts flooded my mind. Instantly I was drawn to you, was it chemistry or was self-destruction? I felt a touch of arrogance and something that made me anxious and fearful and yet there was compassion. 

Fast forward to October.

You saw that I was struggling and you offered me what I believed to be a lifeline at the time, but I think you bit off more than you can chew. You knew I had problems, but you didn’t know how to deep. You only saw my surface and you thought you could manage the superficial layer long enough to get what you wanted from me. You said you wanted to mentor me, but you never expanded on what that meant and at the time I was still me. I was still in a good place mentally and I checked you on that bullshit because my intuition told me you had other things in mind and I said no. You looked taken back and you had to shake your head as if you were physically wiping the look off your face and discarding your emotion.

Time passes and I revisit the topic with you. My world is spiraling out of control, i’m oscillating mentally and i’m falling into the rabbit hole. I wanted something, I wanted someone. I needed hope and support and I forgot about the feelings when I was with you. The excitement, the fear, the anxiety and all I knew was that I felt you were the only one that was seeing me.  That you saw past my facade and saw how hard I was falling a part, but little did I know then that there was more to come. I still had a way down the rabbit hole.  You agreed to mentor me, but we never really spoke much on the subject until after you disappeared.

It’s December now.

I reached out to you on social media and sent you a friend request. I kept opening my chat several times a day and looking at your picture thinking of what to type to you, but everything seemed inadequate. I couldn’t find the words and so I would leave things as they were and I let you bridge the gap. What I thought was then an investment and acknowledgment now feels empty and like you were grasping at straws trying to find something to let me make a connection t o you and it didn’t take much for me to do so.  I sense you knew that already though, there’s something about your smile that feels warm and inviting, but there’s something to you that’s frightening. Regardless I took the bait and my honesty got the best of me. I opened up to you because I had no one else and I thought you believed me, I thought you cared about me. Even now I’m not sure. There’s a part of me that felt and saw the emotion in your face and could feel it engulfing me when we met in person, but I also question was what I felt real or was it the aftermath of extended emotional abuse? 

We’re out for lunch and you tell me about some work experiences and I feel like you’re masking the truth. Then I catch a glimpse of rage and my blood runs cold, you are just as dangerous as I first sensed, but then you swallow it and bury it deep inside you again and you are yourself. Calm, composed and warm again and somehow I find myself forgetting what I’ve just witnessed. I feel like i’m in a cloud. Always in a fog with you, what was it that I just saw? What did I wanted to say.

Were in your car and you ask me why I wanted to meet you out and I find myself speechless, I don’t know. I never know what I wanted to say to you. In reality I was afraid that if I told you the truth that you would turn out to be the man I feared you were. My actions never mattered much in this scenario. It was only ever about you and what you wanted. I cry, and this may be when you hug me or try to kiss me. I don’t remember. I wanted it and I hated. Wanted it and I feared it. Wanted you, hated you and feared you. 

January we met in a house you were fixing up. It was like you forgot you had invited me, if you wanted me so badly why did I have to text you to make sure we still had plans? I arrived and you never came to the door, you didn’t even have your phone on you. I walked into a place I had never been and stopped to take it all in. I hear your music streaming from your phone and noise off in the distance. I walk to your phone to turn off the music but i can’t access your device. I scan searching for you and decide you must be upstairs. I climb up the staircase you’re sweeping the floor and your back is turned to me. I remain quiet and just stare at you. There’s something pleasant about this moment, maybe because when you’re back is turned to me you’re not threatening. You’re vulnerable. After a few minutes pass you turn and see me and you’re startled and jump back. You didn’t hold still, just kept moving from room to room. Hardly talking, but occasionally making small talk. I couldn’t tell if you wanted to talk and for me to listen or if you wanted me to, but one thing is certain you couldn’t stand the silence.  I follow you from room to room like a lost puppy, the theme of our relationship. A power struggle I had no chance of winning.  Time passes we’re sitting on the stairwell, you had planned for me to make the first move and had anticipated me knowing what I wanted and I was never certain. I wrestled with my intuition while drowning in my mental illness and clinging to the idea that you were my white knight on shinning armor when you were another dragon I needed to slay. Unfortunately, I never listened to myself.

 You bent me over the counter and fucked me from behind.  There were a lot of superficial thoughts. Time passes and once you’ve finished I feel content and whole for a brief period, however after several minutes the euphoria subsides and my mania kicks in. I wanted more of everything, but you put a wall up and I convinced myself that you did it because you cared about me and you didn’t want me to hurt and that maybe had we both been in different places in life it would have worked out. 

I’m surprised I didn’t choke on all the bullshit I fed myself over those months, but oh no, this journey isn’t over yet. That was January, let’s go to April. 

In April I’m still starving for your attention and I send you some explicit photos to get your attention. I sent them during the “safe time” you had previously told me about, however you daughter has your phone and sees them. Time passes and I don’t remember how much now, it felt like an eternity then, but you didn’t respond and when I reached out to you I offered numerous apologies and took ownership for the mishap and pulled away from you thinking of how I had hurt your relationship and caused turmoil in your life, but you never did reach out to me..I always had to be the one after the initial contact. Why was that? Did I not live up to your expectation? I wasn’t any fun after we fucked the first time? Maybe all of the above and more..and maybe just maybe you never cared where it came from, maybe you just went through a list.

In May we’re supposed to meet for the second time, I lost track of how many “second times” this would have been, but I was still dangling on the string you wrapped around me. I told you about the progress I had made in my career and you seemed please on the surface, but my gut told me you didn’t care..it was all becoming clear and I knew I couldn’t keep lying to myself longer. The last chance I decided would be this day, but you never told me in advance whether or not you’d have to cancel and your cop out this time was something you’d know in advance. The fifth of May I deleted you off social media and blocked you. Archived our messages and removed your number from my phone...Phone, weird..you never asked for my new number, but you cared about me right? You cared about me but your motivational speeches literally stopped after our first series of text messages. If I wanted anything from you I had to beg you for it. Any time I questioned the power dynamic you blew me off....

It’s August now and we haven’t had contact and it’s still hard. It’s hard because I have to exist in the same physical space we once shared. It’s difficult because there’s a part of me that still wants you despite knowing I shouldn’t and that conflict is awful. It’s difficult because in the brief time we were together my mind became conditioned to think of you any time I struggled, you were my safety net..and some days you still are. These memories..the ones i’ve shared above and the ones i’ve kept to myself aren’t as vivid most days. Your image is fading and your imprint on my soul fades with it as well. I’m doing better without you and I never needed you and I knew that all along, I needed to trust myself because all along my journey were so many warning signs. It’s hard because I let myself feel safe in that fact that I could see you on my blocked list and had some odd connection to you, because you were there, but you weren’t...you were tucked away in a box for safe keeping and occasionally I could peer in and still find you, still see you, but now you’re gone and the panic set in..because you were missing and I felt a part of me was missing too, but you can fucking keep that broken part of me. I never want to see her again. 

So to the man I call ‘boss’, I love you, I hate you. I fear you, I want you. I resent you and I am grateful for you. In the pain you gave me I found myself again. 

To anyone that reads this and reads it in it’s entirety, thank you. This was difficult to write and even my words fall short in comparison to the memories that replay in my mind..I wish I could take you all into the space in my head where these exist...I wanted to write it to help release him and all the conflicting thoughts I have. I wanted to find acceptance, compassion and love for myself in myself and not in him or anyone else anymore and I have. So Thank you. 

And to myself,

It’s okay to feel conflicted about him yesterday, today and tomorrow. There were actually good things he did for me and for others, but there were also a lot of fucked up shit he did to me and that’s not okay. The point is we’re all human and complex and I need to breathe and embrace life and let all this pain go with this post. I am getting better and tomorrow I will be even better than I was today. 

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[lilrookie]

9-25-17

So this is just a personal vent I sent to a friend and I’m putting it here for my own record keeping stuff so feel free to read it if you want lol it's pretty long, but just please do not reblog this, or send me any messages or anything about it. I do not want to talk about the issues I go over in this at all right now and some of the stuff I have written is kind of mean/not pc because these are just raw unedited and un-reflected on vent thoughts ok. Thanks yo.

I'm going to type this vent to you because I need to talk about it sort of and I also don't want to write in my journal and my phone is messed up again but I've been feeling so weird at college because growing up is fucked up and I'm just really not sure where I'm supposed to fit in and there's so much I want to get done with my life but I also really want to be happy and have a family and just explore the world and be like a regular person and not have to worry about all this shit and going to pride club makes me feel like crap because I don't talk to anyone and i just sit through the meetings like some weirdo

probably bc everyone thinks I'm a cis white guy and its so hard and weird because I am not??? and everyone is tumblr quierdos and I just feel like I haven't met anyone who genuinely likes me and who I genuinely like and I miss our friends so much because I feel so understood and loved with you guys and  I don't have that here yet which I know is normal but I just would like to anyways! and I'm so nervous for growing up because I have no idea what I'm doing and the world is probably going to end sooner than later anyways bc of war or bc of climate disaster so whats the fucking point in even planning for a nice future because our generation is probably not going to even have a chance to!

and on top of all that existential life shit, I'm constantly thinking about I'm also really uptight and overthinking the romance sector of my life and I haven't dated or done anything remotely romantically oriented since yasmyn and I broke up. and like keep realizing over and over again that being with her for so long really messed with me in a lot of ways and kind of squandered my years for experimenting or something because I have no idea what I'm fucking doing dating wise even though technically I have more experience with romantic endeavors than the average person because of what I  went through with her

AND ON TOP of that I'm fucking trans! so I'm not even like regular/standard in that regard and I know being trans doesn't mean I'm not normal but I still feel that way and I feel like people will think of me in that way even if they aren't transphobic just because of internalized bullshit and whatever and that scares me so badly. bc like any normal person I just wanna have a connection with someone and mess around and be just fucking normal but I don't even know how to do that I never got a chance to have a normal relationship for someone in our age group I had to go straight to the heavy hardcore shit like really why. its like if right now me as someone who has never drank or smoke or anything else illicit went right to shooting up heroin and had to recover from that it feels like. and I don't know how to handle any of this stuff Fuck!.

and like obviously bc in me and my brain works paranoid I keep thinking about what my romantic life is going to be like when I'm older. like i really really want to have a kid and I know I cant have kids of my own so bc it totally makes sense for me to be worrying about this right now I'm like weighing the different options to like be able to get a kid and it's so hard to adopt as not a perfect heterostraightciswhite person in America and I'm so stressed about that! like why the fuck am I stressed about that! I'm not going to have a kid until I'm like 30! so why am I actively genuinely stressed about the adoption process right now. it doesn't even make sense to me

moral of the story is I'm having a hard time making meaningful connections with people at college mostly because I'm afraid of talking to strangers bc of what if I don't like them! less of what if they don't like me bc really I don't give a shit if someone doesn't like me when they are a stranger but what if i don't enjoy them and get stuck with them as friendship  bc that's kind of already happening and I just want my secure stable reassuring friend group  back instead of having to start from scratch with people who know nothing about who I am at the same time I am learning that I know very little about who I am even though I thought I did lol.

wow what the fuck I'm writing a lot

I just wish I could feel less like I'm floundering around and i know everyone else feels the same way but still I'm ready to feel stable and settled in here and find at least one person like you here even though I'm not trying to replace you buddy i just need an interim anchor person since you are 5 hours away and not coming home for fall break and spending time with people who  i don't feel completely good about in the majority of ways is so fucking exhausting and for some reason i feel like the easiest way to have someone like that is through a romantic interaction bc those kinds of relationships get like intimate quicker both in the physical emotional way and the mental way like good friendship does but good friendship takes so much longer to happen and I'm really looking for a quick fix tbh

growing up and being independent is so hard for so many reasons and people only ever really talk about monetary and responsibility hardships they don't tell you about how hard it is to be a living thinking entity on your own. like the hardest part of growing up is probably definitely losing your emotional support system like fuck how did people do this at all before instant communication was a thing

anyways i know I'm going to be fine and that everything will work out well because I'm going to work so hard to have a good future but honestly that kind of makes it harder to be in this space right now since I just want to skip forward to a place where I am good and feeling good and feeling content and secure this like wishy-washy period is not really fun in all aspects