#like yeah sure don't pathologize every little thing

[sureuncertainty]

that validating but also infuriating moment when i see a post that makes me annoyed and then i go into the notes and it’s like 90% terfs agreeing with it like okay good i’m not crazy this post was bullshit. also i think if a ton of terfs are agreeing with your point then MAYBE you should rethink what you’re saying a little bit

[studentbyday]

week 1. a stuttering start.

i can't believe autumn is already approaching. i feel like i haven't done much to truly live on my own terms this year... (the majority of my time was spent either chained to my desk, living the studying hermit life as usual, or...and this is a new one for this era of my life, feeling like a child following the real adults around on my travels which @zzzzzestforlife documents way better tbh. the travels, that is...)

in addition i've been feeling very unmotivated and numb this school year. even more so than usual. i've never been as zesty as...well, Zesty when it comes to new school years, but it has slowly been getting worse since i started uni and i think i'm getting dangerously close to falling off some cliff i'll later realize was an important cliff to not fall off of. do you get what i mean? i'm only speaking vaguely because i myself do not quite know.

i oscillate between wanting to be extraordinary and extra ordinary. i have fallen back into bad habits, which do not set a good precedent. and overall i feel lost. so so lost that i started reading designing your life. and dulled by the isolation of school i can hardly focus. it's not a new problem, i've just finally been able to put words to it after all these years. engaging and/or cathartic verbal conversation brings me back to life, whether i'm listening or speaking, but i don't get enough of that in my daily life...this is just a very weird mundane state to be in. don't get me wrong, i was relieved to get back to this life with a very predictable pattern after the hectic-ness of travel, but something about it always felt off and i almost can't believe that only now i've realized why.

anyway, feelings pass. and i have overcome the jet lag, so i am that much more energized (and perhaps a little more desperate) to bulldoze through this problem.

Study:

Read/skimmed all the syllabi for anything new (much of it is the same year-to-year as they're all courses in the same faculty and i am resigned to the fact that there will be weighty group work in at least one course out of every year)

Caught up on course announcements

Finished microbiology module for this week (hmmm i read like half of this module last year when i attempted and then dropped this course so it wasn't the most interesting the second time around but i think it'll get better as i get to the new stuff and the nitty-gritty details 🔬 mwahahaha 🦠 i also decided last minute to make flashcards for these and had to transfer my notes to anki. i wish there weren't so many isolated facts or similar but distinct processes i need to remember.)

Made flashcards for half of this week's immunology content (seems to be a memorization-heavy course and i think i really need the active recall since i barely remember the pre-req info 😅 luckily they review it in the module... 🤭)

Reviewed some of the flashcards made this week

Worked on (but didn't finish) global health slides for this week (i'm...not entirely sure what i should be taking notes on or how because...this all seems either very common sense or kind of..."woo-woo" based on my way of understanding the world...but ig that's my own biases talking? i hope they'll just test us on the common sense stuff. that will be easier for my brain 🥴)

Around half of pathology slides are left from this week (probably the most work intensive course i'm taking rn based on the timeline 😵 but also it's shaping up to be my favorite subject this semester because the modules are so well designed AND it's large processes or, even if it's smaller concepts, they're all connected to each other so i don't need flashcards!...i think! i can just pull on the thread of memory and it all unspools (...ideally...)!)

Wrote down due dates for all assessments this semester

Other life things: (yeah idk what to call this section)

I became a 6AM girlie!!! 🥰🥰🥰

Unpacked

Washed my water bottle

Caught up with a friend 💗

Health:

Yoga x2

Journalled x2

Early morning walk in nature x1 (the air smelled so so fresh i was so glad i went out...and even gladder that i went out when i did because after that the air quality got super bad from wildfire smoke 🥺)

Pilates x1 (i made it! in 2 split sessions, but still! and i feel great!!! 😃 i'm so glad i found this channel because she explains the moves in a way that i can get it even with my bad coordination 😅 she also goes slowly and there is no annoying workout music so i can completely focus on the movements and how they feel, it's perfect. 😊)

Music in My Head:

Blue Danube Waltz (OG piano version)

Treat People With Kindness

On the Sunny Side of the Street

Hikaru Nara (the perfect song for my current ambivalent mood because the whole theme of the anime, which is reflected in the sound of this arrangement, is the need to reignite your spark for the things that mean something to you and make the absolute most of it because life is short)

a few dark academia playlists that i put on loop to study to (links under the cut) (somehow the ones with new age music are the only ones i can listen to...light/quiet enough that it doesn't interrupt my thoughts but intense and melodic enough that it puts me in the mood to focus 😅)

[bjtch-craft]

"I'm a Rockstar Babe"

Todd Ingram X Bottom Male! Reader

☆ Summary: [Name] reunites with an old high-school friend turned rockstar things take a turn when they restart their old high-school ways.

☆ NSFW

☆Request: Yes or No

☆ Word count: 2,836

☆Genre: Angst to Smut (Kinda)

☆Warnings: Smut, degradation, manipulation (kinda, tbh I just tried making him cocky but rereading it it sounds like bro is manipulating), Bl♡wjobs, slapping, just douchy rockstar things, spitting (he's one of those ppl)

☆Authors note: Dude, I rewatched the movie and reread the novels, and why is Todd so mf fine like WHAT? And why are there no stories about this man? Anyways enjoy!! (P.s this has been in my drafts for like 2 months now and I've never finished editing it for some reason...)

Also look at the comic version of him like WHAT A CUTIE like yeah sure he's arrogant, narcissistic, uncaring, and may or may not be a pathological liar, and a walking red flag but like that red looking a little orange so??? PRAYING SOME OF YALL READ THIS!!

Did this count as being a groupie? No. It's not like I'm some obsessed super fan like Joseph I mean for fucks sake I knew Todd in high school [Name] thought as he lay on the mattress of the cheap motel room waiting for Todd to get out of the shower.

10:15 P.M. - some time earlier

[Name] was shoved and pushed around by the hundreds of thousands of fans who had gathered to watch the band play. The band in question was none other than The Clash at Demonhead. [Name] new one of the members (while technically two if you count Envy but they didn’t know each other. They were more of acquaintances really.) Todd Ingram who he was close friends with. Really close.

He'd given him head a couple of times (and slept with him too) but that didn't mean anything to them (yes it did.) it was what Todd considered a "bro-job" whatever the fuck that was. But that's not important (yes it is) what is important is how quickly their friendship ended after he got with Envy. They tried to keep in touch but after the band blew the absolute fuck up he cut ties with him.

Did it hurt? Yes. A lot. But [Name] didn't let it get to him he still supported Todd even if Todd himself didn't know it. [Name] bought every CD, vinyl, and cassette tape, and got tickets to most shows. He even tried to get backstage passes to rekindle his relationship with Todd but the prices were far out of his price range.

There have been times when for a quick second he'd seen Todd after a show or two and waved to him or said a quick word but he didn't recognize him. Which also hurt. How can you not recognize someone you spent almost TEN YEARS of your life with? But [Name] was determined to catch up with his best friend so after pulling a couple of night shifts and saving up some money he... still didn’t have enough.

10: 50 P.M.

"Todd's so hot!"

"Jesus Envys even hotter in person!"

"Why's that chick got a robotic arm?"

These are just some of the things [Name] heard throughout the event which was on the verge of ending.

12:10 A.M. - Later

The concert was over and [Name] pushed and shoved his way out of the venue and quickly rushed towards the back of the building looking for the band.

"Come on please don't tell me I missed them!"

His shoes thudded against the gravel, and as he rounded the corner a gate came into view.

"No. No, no, no, no!"

The gate door was slid open. How safe right?

"Envy? Do you wanna get a bite to eat or something?"

[Name] stopped for a moment as he saw Todd standing there his guitar case in hand talking to Envy. He took a deep breath and stepped through the gates. Fuck?

"T-todd?"

Todd turned to look at him a look of shock and anger upon his face.

"Who the hell let you in" Todd asked as he stepped closer to [Name] his voice coming off as aggressive as his eyes and hair started to glow.

"N-no one the gate was open."

"So you just snuck in?"

"I'm [Name], [First name], [Last name] we went to high school together. Remember?"

Todd's eyes and hair stopped glowing as his hair drifted back down in front of his face.

"You're kidding?!"

Todd dropped his guitar case and ran up to [Name] his tough guy rockstar persona shedding completely. He threw his arms around [Name] and pulled him into his chest. [Name] could feel the heat rising to two places as his face was smushed into Todd's rather large pecs.

"Todd you're squishing me..." [Name] said his voice muffled.

"Sorry!" He pulled away. "Jesus it's been a long time since we've seen each other... I'm a Rockstar!"

"I can see that!"

"Todd, what the fuck is going on," Envy asked?

Todd turned to look at them wrapping his arm around [Name's] waist. "This is [Name] from high school! He's my best friend remember?"

"While to me he looks like a fucking groupie! Let's go" Envy replied.

"I'm not a groupie..."

"Do you think he can come back to the motel with us?"

"No."

"Find some other cheap motel to fuck in," The Bionic arm bitch said.

"He's not a groupie and we're not gonna fuck! He's my friend and I wanna catch up with him!"

"Find. Another. Motel." Envy said the tone of her voice showed her annoyance more than anything.

12:30 A.M.

And they did find a cheap motel in an extremely unsafe part of town. Fits the stereotype, huh? A rockstar takes one of his fans to a cheap rundown-looking motel just to get it in.

[Name] once again was hugging Todd but this time was looking up at him.

"I'm so sorry for ghosting you [Name]."

"It's fine."

Todd's hands traveled down [Name's] back and reached his ass and groped it firmly, making [Name] let out an involuntary yelp. He pushed Todd off of him, causing the blonde boy to let out a laugh.

"What's the matter [Name] just like old times!"

"Todd aren't you dating Envy or something?"

He shifted his weight on his feet annoyingly.

"I'm a Rockstar babe we don't date," Todd said cockily.

"Oh?"

"I'm gonna hop in the shower. I know I reek of sweat... care to join me?"

"Smooth Todd.... real smooth."

He winked at [Name] and waltzed into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. After a minute or two he heard the shower go on.

Did this count as being a groupie? No. It's not like I'm some obsessed super fan like Joseph I mean for fucks sake I knew Todd in high school [Name] thought as he lay on the mattress of the cheap motel room waiting for Todd to get out of the shower.

"Do I wanna do this... again?"

The first time [Name] and Todd ever did anything together was on his eighteenth birthday. They were both unbelievably drunk, and both were bored lying on Todd's bed in silence. One of them now and then would say something, and they would have a short conversation.

"H-heyyy~ [Name] can I ask you for a favor," Todd asked his words coming out slurred.

"Yeah- hic! What'sss ~'s up?"

"Do you think you could um... s-suck me off?"

"Why?"

"Well, I'm one drunk! And two horny as fuck~! So can you?"

"You know what fuck it! You are my best friend!"

[Name] slid his basketball shorts off and then his boxers and grabbed at his length.

"I've never done this before so um... bear with me~."

Todd nodded his head a goofy grin on his face. "Do it as if someone's doing yours."

[Name] took him into his mouth slowly going down inch by inch the girth was almost too much to handle. Almost.

But that was years ago. They were two dumb eighteen-year-olds who were just helping each other out. But [Name] didn't feel that way anymore... but reminiscing on their old days made [Name] slowly begin to get hard in the shorts Todd had given him.

[Name] rubbed himself through the fabric and pushed down on it, making him release a soft moan. He needed Todd he didn't realize how badly he did until right then and there. The door opened to the bathroom, and [Name] quickly through the blanket over his lap.

Todd walked out with just a towel around his waist, his bulge catching [Names] eye as well as his body, which was still wet and glistened in the light.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting another pair of boxers, I forgot to bring them into the shower..." Todd looked at [Name] and noticed the tent that was forming underneath the blanket. "Aw, are you happy to see me like this again, baby?"

"What! No!"

"Come on..." He said huskily. The cockiness was back. "I heard you moan... were you thinking of the times I fucked you? The times you begged me to fill you up? The times I came on that pretty face of yours?"

[Name] could feel his cock growing harder with each question.

"N-no" [Name] whimpered out.

Todd walked to the side of the bed grabbed [Name's] hand and placed it on his groin.

"You miss my fat cock don't you," He asked his voice sounding oddly humiliating.

"I don't have to say anything."

Todd started to move his hips grinding his bulge against the palm of [Names] hand.

"Todd we can't... you have a girlfriend."

"I told you we rockstars don't really - truly date, and if anything, it's just another bro-job, remember?"

[Name] pulled his hand away and sat up and using both hands opened Todd's towel up causing his cock to pop out and slap against his happy trail.

"Fuck~," [Name] whispered out.

[Name] reached out and pumped his cock twice.

"Yeah that's it~ I know you fucking missed it haven't you?"

[Name] let go of Todd's cock and adjusted his position so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. Todd backed up a little.

"Please don't like- hurt me that much. Please?"

Todd chuckled and ran his hand through his wet hair.

"You sweet dumb thing, you know I can't promise that."

[Name] grabbed Todd's cock once more and spat on it and stroked him off spreading the saliva over his cock.

"I haven't done this in a long time... so I'm a little rusty."

Todd smiled down at him. The grin was a mixture of amusement and humiliation.

[Name] placed the tip on his tongue and licked it gently before wrapping his lips around it and slowly going down on it.

[Name] couldn't lie he truly did miss this. Not only did he enjoy it, but it honestly made them closer as friends.

[Name] gagged on the base as he looked up at Todd with tearful eyes.

"Aww you look so cute with my big cock in your mouth," Todd said softly his voice coated in lust as he gently patted [Name's] cheek.

[Name] began to slowly come off his cock before Todd placed a hand on the back of his skull and slammed him back down causing him to gag and for drool to pour out of the sides of his mouth.

"Mmm-hmm-agh." [Name] groaned out.

Todd pulled his cock out of the boy's mouth and slapped it on either side of the guy's cheek.

"You took it so well [Name]~."

[Name] looked up at Todd with innocent eyes, his tongue sticking out a little as he gasped for air.

"Jesus you look so fucking gorgeous."

"I-I think you bruised the back of my throat!"

Todd grabs [Names] chin as he angles his head straight aligning his cock with [Names] lips.

Todd spat on his cock (and on [Names] face) and slammed it down [Names] throat before pulling out. [Name] stuck out his tongue and licked a stripe down his cock.

"You're such a fucking slut baby. I bet you've been craving my cock since you heard about our band haven't you?"

[Name] nodded his head embarrassingly. Todd placed a hand on the back of [Names] head and leaned in, planting a kiss on his lips as his hands traveled down his body. His hands reached the bottom of the boy's shirt and began to pull it up over his head, breaking the kiss in the process.

Todd pushes [Name] down onto the bed by his chest and crawls on top of him, attacking his neck, causing [name] to let out a soft moan. Todd kisses down his neck while unbuckling [Names] belt and gently pulls them off along with his boxers.

"I don't reckon you have a condom do you?"

"I have one in my wallet in my left pocket," [Name] says, his voice barely above a whisper.

Todd grabs [Names] jeans off the floor and pulls out the condom from the wallet before discarding them back onto the floor.

Todd rips the wrapping of the condom off with his teeth and slides the rubber on. He places [Bames] legs on his shoulders and lines himself up at his entrance.

[Name] squeezes his eyes shut as Todd pushes himself into him. A sudden wave of pain and pleasure washes over him, causing him to grab onto the sheets, twisting them in his hands. A soft whimper escapes his lips as Todd continues to push deeper into him.

"Shit- Todd, you're so fucking- ngh~ big!" [Name] whimpered out, causing Todd to look down at him with a cocky grin.

Todd had pushed himself into the other boy and slowly began to pull back out, only to slam back into him, which earned him a low groan.

"Does that feel good?"

[Name] nodded his head and let out a whimper. Todd began to rock his hips in and out of him, the tip occasionally brushing against his prostate. His thirst got faster and quicker he reached down and grabbed [Name's] hands and placed them above his head.

Todd began pounding into [Name]. The sound of skin against skin filled the room as well as screams of pleasure from both boys.

"Ugh~ F-fuck! You're going to har-!" [Name] wasn't able to finish his sentence as Todd delivered a gentle (but still hard) slap across his face.

"Don't tell me what the fuck to do!" Todd growled out.

[Names] cock twitched as pre-cum drizzled down his cock causing a moan to escape from his lips.

"Don't tell me you're into this shit you slut?"

"S-s-shut up Todd~"

Todd smirked and began rocking his hips.

"How bad do you want it?"

"W-what?" [Name] stuttered.

"I can pull out right now and leave and not let you finish you."

"Please don't~ I'll do anything!"

"Then admit it.'

"What?"

"Admit you're a filthy whore" Todd said his voice thick with lust.

"I'm not going to- ah~!"

Todd pulled out of [Name] leaving him feeling empty and somehow even more fucking desperate.

"Todd please" [Name] begged.

"Then say it."

"I-I’m a whore okay? Is that what you want to hear from me? I'm a fucking slut for you okay?!"

Todd looked down at [Name] with a cocky grin.

"Good boy."

Todd leaned back over [Name] and placed a soft kiss on his lips before pushing himself back into him. He wrapped his hand around [Name's] throat and began pounding into him. The sounds of skin against skin filled the room once again.

Todd raised his hand and brought it across [Names] face with enough power to cause a sting of pain leading [Name] to let out a dry moan.

"I can't believe your into this shit!" Todd said with a cheesy grin.

"Shut up!" The boy underneath him whined out.

Todd smirked and removed his hand from [Names] neck and grabbed him by the waist and slowed his thrusts.

"What are you- agh~!"

Todd pulled [Name] into him driving his cock deeper into him pushing past his prostate. [Names] jaw dropped as the sudden feeling causing a high pitched moan to erupt from his throat. Todd took this opportunity and grabbed his jaw holding it open and dipped his thumb into his mouth.

"Don't close your mouth got that?"

[Name] replied with a whimper as Todd's thurst became annoyingly slow as a string of spit slowly began to fall from his lips and landed in [Names] mouth.

[Named] closed his mouth after Todd gave him a look that practically yelled at him, too. Todd's slow thrust became faster and faster. Todd wrapped his hand around [Name's] dick and began jerking him off as [Name] placed his palm at the back of Todd's head.

"I'm so close!" Todd groaned out as his rhythm began to go out of sync.

His movements became harder and harder as he felt himself getting closer and closer to finishing.

"W-where- fuck~ where do you want it?" He moaned out.

"On me..."

Todd placed a hand behind [Names] head as his thurst became sloppy he spat once again at [Name] the salvia covering his face before pulling out and jerking himself off.

"Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

With one final moan ropes of cum erupted from his cock covering [Names] body in white ropes. Todd pumped [Name's] cock for a minute before he came their cum mixing on his stomach. Todd scooped up some of his cum off of the boy's body with his index finger and popped it into [Names] mouth.

"How's it taste?"

"Salty... can you get me a towel?"

1:35 AM

[Name] lay on the cheap hotel's mattress, his head on Todd's chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"Hey, have you ever thought of being a roadie?'

"A what?"

"A roadie helps the band set up... you could be one for us so we could keep in touch and..." He wrapped his hand around [Names] body and groped his ass "Have some more time to ourselves."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIS MAN IS SO FINE ARGH. I NEED HIM SO BAD LIKE I WANT HIM TO FULLY REARRANGE MY INSIDES.

Authors note!!

Again, sorry for the break. School is still once again kicking my ass :) I do plan on writing more over Christmas break, but I do have like half-written stories in my drafts, so here are some of them. (Some of them have titles, but they are to be determined, so kill me or wtv) .

Darry Jenner x Male reader (Fluff)

Miguel Ohara x Male reader (Smut)

Chad Meeks x Male reader (TBD)

Simon Kalivoda x Male reader (Fluff)

[erikahenningsen]

3 for gretchen/karen?

3. A kiss on the forehead

There are many things Gretchen would not recommend about being in love with your best friend.

For one thing, it's exhausting—it's not like a normal crush on someone you kinda know, someone you see around the halls and maybe in a couple classes. No, Gretchen spends time with Karen every day, sometimes all day, on the weekends.

Luckily, Karen is either oblivious to or doesn't mind Gretchen constantly sneaking looks at her, almost against her will, like her eyes are magnetized. Everything that Karen does is cute, which means that Gretchen is perpetually flustered. She's pretty sure she bombed a math test because she couldn't focus on studying when Karen was doing that cute thing where her tongue peeks out of the corner of her mouth while she concentrates.

Another—perhaps larger—problem is that Karen is naturally affectionate. She's handsy. It's no big deal to her to casually hold hands, or pounce on Gretchen with a hug, or press a kiss to the top of Gretchen's head. It makes Gretchen's heart rate increase with such frequency that it might be pathological at this point.

Most maddening of all, Karen is like this with everyone. And, okay, maybe she is more affectionate with Gretchen and maybe she tells Gretchen that she's beautiful or hot a lot more than she does with, say, Cady, but there is simply no way of knowing if it means something. Anything.

And it is driving Gretchen insane.

It's another such afternoon spent in Gretchen's bedroom making TikToks and impulse-buying clothes on Poshmark that Gretchen finds herself seated in her desk chair while Karen does Gretchen's eyeshadow—a particularly unique form of torture that involves their faces being close together for an extended period of time. At least Gretchen has to keep her eyes closed, so she doesn't have to battle against the urge to stare at Karen's lips.

"Okay, and... done!" Karen says with a final sweep of the brush. She sets aside the palette, and Gretchen opens her eyes and turns to look in the mirror. Her eyes look wide and bright, subtly shimmering with pink shadow.

"Looks great," Gretchen says. She turns back to Karen, who is still seated in front of her on the edge of Gretchen's bed.

Karen grins and gently rests her hands on Gretchen's cheeks. Before Gretchen can process this, Karen leans in, her face getting closer and closer, until she's close enough for Gretchen to feel her breath on her face and—

Kisses Gretchen on the forehead.

The next few seconds tick by slowly while Gretchen wills her heart to stop beating so hard. She really thought Karen was going to—

"Is something wrong?" Karen asks, frowning. "You're all..." She tenses her face and shoulders exaggeratedly.

"Oh, yeah," Gretchen says shakily. She forces a little laugh. "This is going to sound crazy, but I thought you were going to kiss me."

"I did," Karen says, now looking confused. She taps the spot on Gretchen's forehead where he lips had been with one finger. "Right here."

"I meant, um," Gretchen says, "on the lips?" It comes out like a question.

"Oh!" Karen brightens. "I can do that, too."

Gretchen is sure her eyes are comically wide. "What?"

"I don't know why we haven't," Karen muses, looking thoughtful. "This is the longest I've dated someone without kissing them."

Everything in Gretchen's brain screeches to a halt. "Karen, we... Do you think we're dating?"

"Well, yeah," Karen says. "You called me your girlfriend, so..."

Gretchen mentally searches her mind for when she apparently said this.

"Remember when we saw that lady outside your house, and you said I'm going to the mall with my girlfriend?" Karen recalls.

Gretchen does remember this. About a month ago, her neighbor had been walking her dog as they were getting in Gretchen's car and stopped to chat. Is that how Karen had interpreted that?

"Oh, I meant.... Like, my friend who's a girl. People say that sometimes," Gretchen says, and Karen's face falls.

"Oh," Karen says. She looks down at her lap. It physically hurts Gretchen to look at.

Then the confusion dissipates, and it clicks in Gretchen's brain. Karen thought they were dating. Karen offered to kiss her. Karen... likes her? Feels the same way?

"But..." Gretchen says tentatively, touching Karen's hand. "Do you want to be dating?"

"Of course I do," Karen says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, I've been dating you for a month, even if you weren't dating me."

Gretchen can't help but laugh. A giddy, happy laugh. A relieved laugh.

"Karen, I've liked you for so long," Gretchen whispers—it is still, technically, her biggest secret. "I would love for you to be my girlfriend."

Karen looks up, her entire face brightening, and she grins.

"Oh my god, yay!" she says, bouncing a little where she sits. "Should I kiss you now?"

She asks it so casually, as if it hasn't been all Gretchen has been fantasizing about for as long as she can remember. It's all Gretchen can do to nod.

So Karen leans in again, and this time, her lips meet Gretchen's.

[queenofbaws]

For the behind-the-scenes fic asks, could I get 12, 24, and 25 for The Almosts pretty please? I'm so insanely curious

heheheh aw man, any chance i get to rant and rave about t(a), you KNOW i'm gonna take it!! ;)c

12. Was there a scene you wished you could have included? Why didn't it fit in?

mmmmmmmmm this one's tricky. i wouldn't say there were any scenes that i wished hadn't ended up on the cutting room floor in the end (as the wordcount will attest, pffffft), but there are definitely some that i had sort of imagined going differently when first planning/setting about writing, and that ended up significantly different when all was said and done.

the two that come most readily to mind are: (1) the whole reason i had sam's dad scott be an er nurse was because i fully intended on him being the one letting her know about josh's hospitalization, and then there being a very, very awkward confrontation with chris about it later; and (2) the fight in ch17 was actually going to be, uhhhhhh worse, hahahaha. in the end, i decided i wasn't really feeling the direction of those decisions, and so ended up changing them. i for sure wouldn't say i regret that, though, or that i wish i'd stuck with my original plan, but i do think they could've changed the overall vibe of the story significantly.

EDIT: I AM A FOOL! THERE WAS A SCENE I WISH I COULD'VE INCLUDED, AND THAT WAS SAM AND ASHLEY GOING FULL PARENT TRAP ON THEIR PARENTS TO GET THEM TO DATE SDKLFJLKSJDFKLJSDF hahahaha, not exactly an important part of the story, nor a necessary one, but........i had plans for scott giddings and jamie brown, oh yes i did. oh yes i did. hehe.

24. Did you write every scene in order? What was the first scene you wrote, and what was the last?

god no, oh jesus, oh no. nonononono. i am like, pathologically incapable of writing things in order. i WISH i had that sort of discipline, my gosh. hilariously, the first scene i wrote was...well, okay, yeah, the first scene of the fic!!! hannah and sam having a little chat before The Big Party, but after that, all bets were off, babyyyyyyyyy. i jumped around.....everywhere, and the one thing i remember most about writing t(a) is that i was, at ALL times, actively working on 3 chapters. nightmarish. don't recommend it. absolutely the only way i found i could get my brain to work XD the last scene i wrote.....man, was josh and hill in that last session. everything after that had already been written, it was all set in stone, but that last session, man...that one took me.......a long time to write, hahaha.

25. Is there anything you would change now about this fic? Why or why not?

so, here's the thing. i feel like it's really easy to look back on an artistic endeavor and pick out all the stuff you don't dig about the final result. i have, in all honesty, not gone back and FULLY reread t(a) start-to-finish since finishing it BECAUSE of that. i am positive that if i really sat down and looked at it with a magnifying glass, yeah, there are some things i'd change - pieces i'd get rid of, segments i'd rework, commas i would delete by the dozens.................

but at the end of the day, t(a) is, was, and always will be my baby, something that not only served as my first step into the ud fandom, but something that introduced me to so many AMAZING people - writers and artists and readers and editors and gifmakers and not-so-silent lurkers all - and so looking at it and thinking about the things i'd change doesn't really occur to me. it is what it is, and i'm very happy to leave it as is :) <3

that being said, i would've loved to format some of the...stuff in the ending where they (starve) in a more house of leaves sort of way, but ao3 proved pretty tricky for that, alas!

behind-the-scenes fic asks!

[xenon-demon]

med student steve and nurse eddie who is sick of his shit please <3 from wip wednesday i know it's not wednesday anymore but plz

yessssss i love this AU so much because it's just me projecting onto steve and daydreaming about Eddie Munson, Certified Hot Nurse™

also don't worry i have very little free time and am also australian so for me, WIP wednesday is a state of mind, not an actual time frame lmao

Snippet for you under the cut!

Shaking off the black cloud currently hanging over him, Steve finally lays eyes on the person trying to get his attention. A nurse is leaning over the desk of the nurse’s station a few meters away to look straight at Steve, and– wow, okay. Steve knows damn well what his type is, the kind of person and style he goes weak in the knees for, but this guy is aggressively punching every single one of Steve’s buttons. He’s got dark, curly hair that’s done up in a bun, some small strands of hair hanging out to frame the guy’s face. It gives Steve an eyeful of the guy’s killer jawline and the jewellery glinting in his ears – studs, of course, they are on the job, but at a glance Steve can see at least a couple in each ear. The guy’s arms are spread out on the desk in front of him, and Steve can feel his brain freeze at the sight of dark ink poking out from under the guy’s scrubs. He forces himself to look up and away from those (tempting, deliciously tempting) arms and into the nurse’s face – and okay, that’s not much better. The way this guy is looking at him, big brown eyes locked onto Steve’s face, he feels like he’s getting sucked in.

“Sorry?” Steve says, taking a moment to blink and regain his composure. He hopes to God he doesn’t look as flustered and distressed as he feels. “Are you talking to me?”

“Yup,” the nurse says, popping the p. He gestures at the sample bag Steve’s holding, with a few different vials and one syringe of blood inside, as he continues. The smile he gives Steve is almost apologetic as he says, “Pathology isn’t going to take those bloods from you, sweetheart. Not like that, at least.”

“Excuse me?” Steve instinctively bristles at the pet name, the way it just drips off this guy’s tongue. Just like that, the black cloud is back. He crosses the distance over to the nurse’s desk. “What’s wrong with them? They’ve all been labelled properly, and signed.”

“Well…” The nurse says, drawing out the word. Steve feels himself start to frown, just the tiniest bit. “You left the needle on your blood gas.” With a couple of fingers, the nurse points to the offending syringe in Steve’s sample bag. Sure enough, the needle is still attached to the syringe full of blood, the sharp end embedded in a small piece of foam.

Steve frowns even deeper. “My intern told me it’s fine like this.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” The guy grins and rolls his eyes before giving Steve a ‘what can you do’ kind of expression. “It’s a common mistake to make, actually, since they don’t really explain this stuff officially, but-”

“Listen,” Steve interrupts, gritting out the word between his teeth. He’s sure this nurse, whoever he is, has more important things to do than patronize him. Steve sure as fuck isn’t going to stand here and be made fun of while this guy takes his sweet-ass time to get to his point. “I’m pretty sure my intern knows what they’re talking about, seeing as they’re, you know, a doctor. If you really want to be helpful”–Steve’s eyes flick down to read the nurse’s name badge–“Eddie, then you can point me in the direction of the specimen drop-off.”

Eddie actually rears back at that, straightening up and pulling his arms back so he’s holding on to the very edge of the desk instead of casually leaning over the top of it. If Steve were having a better day, he might feel bad about it. As it is, all Steve feels is a sick sense of satisfaction at the way Eddie’s face has shuttered off, his eyes no longer shining the way they were a moment ago.

“It’s that way,” Eddie says bluntly, pointing back in the direction Steve came. His voice has lost all the character, the theatricality that he spoke with a minute ago. “Turn left once you step out of this ward and follow that hallway straight down.”

“Thanks,” Steve says, trying very hard not to feel like an asshole. He almost succeeds.

Eddie just grunts in acknowledgement. He gives Steve a quick once-over and says, “Good talk,” in a tone that clearly states it was anything but.

As he strides off towards the specimen drop-off, Steve can’t help but agree.

[brandogenius]

eating up the content as per usual ‼️👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 i'm so excited ur getting into muna i got into them a few months ago and they're just so chaotic and funny, id say another way to get good insight in their personalities and speech patterns and whatnot is by listening to gayotic (their podcast!) i literally listen to gayotic to fall asleep sometimes LMFAOAO

okay now time for my thoughts on more barista!reader x jb:

question, what do you think the drink actually is that jb orders? like, in my opinion, i feel like its just one of those really popular sweet ice coffees that most people like but its bc they don't actually like coffee and julien is like about to eat a spoonful of salt to cut the sweetness bc how dare she not drink every drop of this ice coffee her pretty gorgeous cool amazing barista girl crush made for her

THE ANGST i love, that's so something that i would do ngl, i can imagine julien being like gutted that reader would think they were coming off weird and stopped doodling on her cup and reader like blushing and smiling at her reaction

speaking of angst can you imagine the dramatics of when reader finds out that jb doesn't actually like her order...in my mind it's not even something reader loves it's just popular and they overhears phoebe or lucy with julien making fun of her getting a drink she doesn't even like and reader doesn't mention it until like a week later because they've been analyzing jb getting her drink

im picturing julien coming in and being like "same as usual ☺️" and reader is like "are you sure?" and julien is confused like "uhh yeah i always get that wdym hahah" and reader explains what she overheard and julien is internally panicking like 'okay this is it she found out and she's gonna hate me and think im a pathological liar'

omg what if from then on reader makes her something new EVERY time until jb finds something that she really likes

julien coming in during a rush and reader frantically ranting to her about how stressed they are but julien is sitting there listening to them like this 😍 and reader can't help but notice and then they're like "sorry i didn't mean to ramble on like that..." and all embarrassed

one last thought, julien coming in and getting her drink but then sitting on the couch or window seat and reading a book or doing work on her laptop and reader is checking on her every 0.5 seconds and they keep making accidental eye contact and smiling but neither will actually talk to each other (classic wlw yearning from afar)

OKAY rant over 😊😊

-🪷

tysm :D i’m definitely getting into muna!! funny enough i’ve gotten a few asks but i’m waiting to get more into them before i write them up!!

i’ve been watching their gayotic podcasts, i started by watching lucy’s then julien’s and lemme tell you i love it. i’m someone who loves to take note of speech patterns and how people word things so it was interesting to learn more about them individually

as for barista! reader

hmmm. i feel like jb isn’t someone to order overly sweet things. like say fraps or something. black coffee or something 😭 a little bit of sugar like maybe a teaspoon is fine but overly sickening sweet nooo. she takes it though and doesn’t complain because at the end of the day reader made it and there was cute doodles on it and she doesn’t want to be like “aha hey… so i don’t actually like this”

she either chugs it down or splits it in half with one of the boys so she has less to drink. she wouldn’t put your hard work down the drain

reader finding out jb doesn’t even like the orders they make and they are like “YOU COULDVE TOLD ME”AND JBS LJKE “that’s true”

omg reader handing jb a new cup everydsy like “so this is peach ice tea” and the next day it’s like “so this is matcha tea” and maybe julien’s just extremely picky on her drinks but she’s yet to find something she likes

reader literally watching julien sit down and write lyrics or type away at her laptop and they make eye contact every so often but both are too scared to say anything so queue reader coming over with a slice of chocolate cake like “here you go” and jbs like “oh i didn’t offer it” and readers like “it’s on the house” and jbs like “oh.. thank you-“ and you stick your hand out like “i’m [name]” and she’s like “julien. i can’t believe we didn’t ask for each others names yet”

[shmowder]

Aaaaaa we get a snippet! How did I get so lucky? 😍 I was thinking they would be like the BG3 ones, simply a list of three kinks for each character, so that made my day and I'm wide-eyed with anticipation for the others when they're ready <3

Listen, I never thought I'd be into the toxic masculinity or daddy kink before... but for Yulia, I could be convinced. Without a whole lot of difficulty. Because I have the willpower and conviction of a lamb. Or something. And because of your writing! I will never get tired of praising your writing and its ability to make me feel things. I understand the Minthara comparison now. Bonus points for using the phrase "clutch their pearls" which makes me smile every time I see it :D

-

I've finally begun Patho Classic! So my first impressions are 1) Your impulse to stand around and look at the cows is very relatable 2) WHAT is this voice acting. Artemy has a British accent? "Don't you go all bossy on me, clever clogs." ???????? I know I'll get over it but it's really funny to me at the moment and I'm a little scared to hear what everyone else sounds like.

Thanks again for all the tips you wrote out earlier. I looked them over again and I have the maps printed out and ready to go. I'm only in the very beginning, just spoke to Notkin, Bad Grief, and the Olgimskys but it is just me or are there a lot fewer trash cans and dumpsters to loot than in P2? Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.

-

I know you said you wish you could get requests out faster, so here's some reassurance that you're doing wonderfully. You can only do what you can with the energy that you have. I was glad to see that you're not pushing yourself too hard by coming back here, and that writing helps. Wishing you the best ❤️

🐿️ anon

Kfhowjd the fun of P1 is discovering all the secrets stumble upon the obnoxious useful details the devs left your way and just gasp because oh god they really did that and you never noticed until now?? this could've saved you so much money/time!!

So I'll resist my urge to spoil you on every shortcut and secret mechanic that will make your life a little easier.

Trust me, it's so much fun to figure out on your own. You'll feel so smart and proud of yourself afterwards no matter how late it happens, because I sure did.

Honestly, the infamouse "pathologic long boring walks" don't even register with me anymore.

This is just the norm now, like I'm weirded out by other games where things are so close by?? What do you mean I don't have to go across the town at least thrice to finish one quest with mediocre rewards? Let me enjoy the scenery in peace while occasionally parkouring to evade the sentient plague clouds hurdling towards me!

I also used the time to curse the last person who spoke to me in the quest for treating me like their courier pigeon. Oh, the colourful names I've called each and every single leader in this town, the titles I've bestowed upon Alexander Cuckburov for being a gaint tree branch wedged into my urethra.

Also, oh man, do people love giving Daniil pistols, got two out of Alexander and one out of Andrey for FREE. didn't even have to scam the men like in the haruspex route, I just asked, and they handed them to me– you should never underestimate the powers of a well-dressed twink huh.

I hope you enjoy the game! and yeah the voice acting and accent choices are hilarious, I think it's more of a localisation creative choice? Because Artemy speaks in a British accent but uses Australian lingo and "mate" a lot. While Daniil speaks in an american accent but uses British lingo and phrases so much, he says "bloody" an unbelievable amount.

You'll witness Artemy use the word yapping in canon lore, that's fun.

So many things are hilarious, so much more cursing and abrasive language. Andrey tells you all about how last night orgy was disgusting, a couple npcs call Aglaya a bitch, Bad Grief uses cunt a couple times. There are so many funny instances that put P2 "oh sorry for my bad language" scene to shame.

Casual misogyny also, from your humble protagonists and other characters. If you think Yulia was mild mannered in P2 then just wait until you get to the scene where she literally talks shit about ALL the other women in the town to Daniil mere minutes after meeting him.

Daniil doesn't quote latin as much in P1, which is funny. It means it was an active choice to make him more obnoxious in P2.

One last thing, get into the habit of leaving stuff, especially herbs, in your lair drawer because the Haruspex has massive inventory management problems.

-

ochwixjwjdnd Thank you for your praise <333 it means a lot. I like how different characters like Minthara and Yulia could still have a kink in common yet approach it in different ways?

Minthara is more possessive with it, emphasis on the toxic part. The "masculinity" is basically drow femininity in her culture, which is why it comes so naturally to her. It's women who are expected to be dominated and in control.

Yulia, meanwhile, is someone who lives in a society where women are expected to be docile and submissive. A time period when wearing pants was seen as an outrageous act, borderline heresy. Even Aglaya, the most powerful woman, if not the person–in the whole town, still abides to the dress code, a modest long dress.

The town, especially the Kains, might have encouraged a "progressive no rules" style of living but that just translated to "dress slutier and still abide to gender roles" rather than deviate from social norms.

In P1 that is only made more important by the fact she is the ONLY woman character who wears pants in the entire town if not the entire game. P1 clearly being set in an older time period since in P2 you get more technology and progressive views as more and more women are seen wearing pants.

Not to mention her extremely short hair, she didn't have a bun in P1, only a pixie cut. P1 Yulia was a setting stone, unapologetically being herself in a town that burned women for being "demons" Her identity as butch as a whole wasn't noted in the Wikipedia for nothing. It was a different time. What seems normal and average to us now would've been seen as outrageous and drastic to that time period.

So a kink like that definitely hits a special spot in her brain where she is just done with society expectations. If people are horrified of her for what she is, then she might as well play on it and get some pleasure?

If they keep calling her a man for her clothes then why not go the whole way? She'll bed women and men alike and have them address her as sir, as daddy, as a husband.

Yulia is a gentlewoman still. She might not sit with her legs spreading like Andrey, but she'd love to have a pretty thing like you over her lap just as much as any man would.

And it adds a cheeky meaning to her idle dialogue phrase "A woman's nerves can only take so much" As she remains unaffected and collected in the face of great catastrophe.

Minthara would be want you to still refer to her with "Ma'am" and feminine terms while calling her strap a cock.

Yulia would rather you call her your daddy, use more masculine terms, albeit on the elegant side. She's never sleezy. She'd act like the perfect Victorian era husband, hold you by the waist, open the door for you, and have you underneath her in bed.

But she is no Daniil. She is still a fatalist at heart. Her home tends to be a mess. She tends to overthink and get lost in her own mind. She's an avid smoker and prefers to observe rather than take risks.

Things that are deemed "masculine" traits are just normal human traits in reality, anyone could develop them and Yulia refuses to be forced into a mould for femininity.

A world where the human experience is labeled as masculine and femininity is a constant performance, Yulia won't trim her edges and won't cover her blemished. She is a woman despite it all no matter what anyone says, she proudly owns her identity as she makes a joke out of these imaginary gender rules by playing around with masculine terms.

If you want a modern equivalent, think of modern butch lesbians who use He/Him pronouns and take testosterone. How other people feel like they have the right to police them or get outraged at them for... being themselves? Stupid people yes but they sadly make the majority.

That's how severe it is for her to wear pants and sport a manly short haircut as a noble aristocrat woman in the P1 time period.

-

If I wanted to explore the "toxic" part of the "toxic masculinity," then I see her using weapnised incompetence to get out of doing things she doesn't want whilst mansplaining things to you.

Deliberately using convoluted phrases and big words to make you pause and have to mull over her every sentence to make you feel smaller and less intelligent, so you'll just give up and agree with her.

See? Let your husband do the thinking. It's her job, after all. You just look pretty and go wash the dishes while she enjoys her drink.

She doesn't argue, that's the thing, she wins argument before the start by immediately conceading. She makes you feel like you're the one being emotional and overly sensitive, like you're the hysterical dramatic one that's yelling as she remains calm and civil.

It makes you feel bad even if you were in the right, Yulia knows that and it's why she does it, why she apologises immediately one sentence into the argument so you never get the chance to actually vent your frustration.

So she can claim you're simply too hormonal for your own good, that you need a strong logical masculine figure to keep you in check from your own emotions, and that happened to be her.

Basically, recycling that era's misogyny to use against you.

-

I'm too ambitious for my own good when it comes to projects. I have the perfect vision and I want to make it come true, its like I can clearly picture how I want each piece of writing to be, all the scenes to plan and all the characters to include.

Afterwards, it's actually time to act and work, and I exhaust all my energy while barely reaching 10% completion on my perfect vision, my magnum opus so far away.

This cycle repeats each time. I've learned to cut my losses and lower my requirements and standards a lot for what should be published or not. To set realistic expectations to what I could achieve.

Because in theory, I could make this vision into a reality, I have the skills and passion. But in practice? I don't have the energy, time or motivation since I know no matter how much I pour into it, only me and like 15 people total who care about patho x reader will ever ever see my post, only 7 will like it and only one or two will comment.

I looked over my bg3 fetish post and thought "pfft, I bet I can make this even better and bigger!" And I did.... for like 4 characters total before I burned out because damn.

It's so easy to talk about one character, study them and dissect them under a microscope, I could spin endless tales about Yulia or any single character from one prompt.

But. It's harder talking about multiple, especially when it's bordering double-digit territory. I have to switch prospective, get into different characters' mindsets, and keep track of their history and traits. It's headache inducing

It's like the difference between baking one big cake and baking many cupcakes, each with different flavours and difference recipes.

By the end you do get the same amount of cake technically but by god is the second one so much more exhausting.

That birthday post sucked the life out of me. I had to "educated guess" my way into what each character could possibly bring time after time after time and the result while satisfying and rich in essence, still remained a very condescended read, a short drabble.

A lot of times I cut Rubin last minute from healers requests because I gave my all spoons to Artemy and Daniil's part and now I have a headache and the idea of having to put myself into any new character's shoes makes me feel like throwing up.

Like a CPU capping the more tabs and programs you have open, Please god have mercy.

What makes this whole process more insulting is the fact there is no high after the pain to tank on yk? I know I'm throwing my writing to the ocean the second I post it, it will sink immediately to the seafloor and be lost forever.

60% of my notes rn are about the two memes I posted... two days ago while 25% is about memes I posted months ago, 10% is about my character study and 5% is about my x character writing.

SO I CAN'T EVEN GET ADDICTED. I can't even fuel my creative process with the dopamine of clicks and numbers going up! WAKE UP SQUIRREL ANON IT'S JUST ME AND YOU AND LIKE 2 OTHER NAMED ANONS PLUS 5 OTHER LURKERS IN HERE.

It's a labour of love. Each piece chips a piece of my soul with it. Yes, even the Oyun CBT snippet, which will get posted eventually.

I get nothing from this. I just genuinely really want it to exist so badly. It sucks to make, and it sucks to post, and it sucks to watch flop! But it's... god, for a moment in time, it's beautiful when I reread it after weeks and get hit directly in the heart by my own creation.

And sometimes, it's cathartic to make. Exhausting in a good way? Like the exhaustion after a good swim, the soreness after a party, the relief after finally throwing up as all the built-up despair from the dreadfull anticipation fizzles out.

And I still make mistakes and it's not perfect but it's mine. I'm still learning! I still discover new words to add to my vocabulary and then microdose into my works. New Idoms and descriptive phrases, I pause and think after every sentence to try and see if I could've phrases it better, If there are more fitting adjectives.

Yet typos still pass me by and at times I'm 90% certain I've posted literal gibberish and there is no way this collection of vaguely connected sentences actually tell a story.

But I still post it all the same because I've spent effort on it dammit. Burned or not you'll eat the damn cake! Plus after going to sleep and actually having a decent meal, I'm pleasantly surprised that I haven't shat the writing bed yet by posting gibberish and these words are actually coherent my god.

It's so easy to give into intuition after a while, to fall into a slump and sink deeper into your comfort zone of art. Creativity is a skill you train and with time you can put your brain on auto pilot while making art.

But that is a slippery slope my friend, getting too comfortable floating on the soothing ocean waves is as dangerous as flying directly into the sun. Next thing you know you're stuck in a tar pit at the deep oceanfloor after closing your eyes for a minute.

And the unkown becomes frightening again, and your ego is brittle and fragile, and you took your readers for granted and now you must humble yourself otherwise life and time will do it for you.

I fear the second to last part the most, taking my readers for granted. Taking every like, comment and anon for granted. I make it a point to thank each person who has ever commented on any of my fics on AO3, likewise I still thank people for their kind words and time on here no matter how redundant I sound.

You learn to not forget, to appreciate everything because nothing is ever mundane. We're real people, real humans interacting and sparing moments of our lives for each other. It's so easy to look at a "Great work!" comment notification on a screen and forget a whole person is behind it on the other end. To forgo the forest for the trees.

Which I'm thankful for your presence here, I'm thankful for the time you take to write down these asks, and I'm grateful for your sweet words because I rarely remember to offer them to myself.

I hope you enjoy p1! please do tell me about all the funny moments or interesting things you encounter. For me I'm on day 3 of the Bachelor playthrough and I'm realising how much of an easier life Daniil has in comparison to Artemy.

[werewolfetone]

im begging you to tell me about Edward John Newell & his time as an informer & his disappearance. this will be your only warning.

*Rubs my hands together* right. Edward John Newell.

Firstly, this is him (from a sketch he did of himself, which was first published in his autobiography & was later reproduced by my good friend RR Madden for his The Life and Times of the United Irishmen)

And Mr. Newell was born in Downpatrick in 1771 to Scottish parents. He was noted to be a pathological liar even when he was a child, which. tbh. almost foreshadowed his future activities. Anyway, he had a bit of a falling out with his mother in 1788, which led him to seek work as a seaman. He gave up on that because it was too uncomfortable and eventually moved to Dublin to try and find a job, but couldn't hold one down for long, and when he asked for help his parents denied it to him due to the general animosity between them and due to his support for the United Irishmen. So, he moved to Belfast in 1796, became a portrait painter (despite apparently having little experience in art), and everything swiftly took a turn.

It's not... clear when he became an informer, exactly. It's probable that it was immediately, given that he later admitted to going around dressed like a British soldier with his face painted, pointing out United Irishmen to Lord Carhampton and a group of actual soldiers. Apparently he did this a lot, because Newell claimed to have put 227 people in prison this way, and to have forced upwards of 300 people to flee from their homes for fear of being arrested. Newell wasn't necessarily very good at being a spy, because instantly his superiors in the United Irishmen noticed that he was... overzealous in a weird way... but he did manage to stay under the radar for long enough that he wasn't killed at that point.

Also important: Newell had a friend called George Murdock (or Murdoch, I've seen it spelled both ways). Murdock was the opposite of him politically and also worked for the government and I.... remember reading somewhere that he was in the Orange Order, too, but I can't recall where so I can't provide a source for it. Anyway, the United Irishmen weren't keen on Newell's friendship with Murdock, leading to Murdock's house having to be placed under armed guard lest they try to kill him, but they stayed friends.

Eventually, Edward Cooke (the spymaster for the British government in Ireland at the time, basically. horrible man) brought Newell to Dublin Castle, where he questioned Newell for nine hours. Newell was more than happy to tell him everything, and in return he was rewarded with money and the opportunity to stay in Dublin Castle to learn more about being a spy. While there, he made an absolute nuisance of himself, including shooting at a guard because the guard was slightly too slow in opening the gate for him when he returned past midnight. He also testified before the government's incredibly creatively named (/s) Secret Committee, where he talked for a long time and later admitted that he had made much of his testimony up specifically to scare the people on the Secret Committee.

Eventually, Newell... I don't know, felt bad about what he was doing, maybe? Decided that it was time to change sides again? I don't know. Either way, he asked Cooke if he could stop being a spy, and Cooke agreed to put him into what was basically witness protection, which would allow him to live in England and resume his painting career. Newell could have just taken the offer and gone, but decided, I guess, that that was not enough, and so he wrote and published a book that detailed 1. how very sorry he was for being an informer; 2. everything about his time as an informer; and 3. every single thing he had told the government about the United Irishmen.

You may be thinking "wait that sounds incredibly stupid, why would he do that," which. yeah. I'm not sure why he decided that he needed to do that either. But he did, and predictably, both the government and the United Irishmen were livid. Also, so were the Defenders, who were the Catholic sectarian murder group, because Newell had talked a lot in his book about how they were cooperating with the United Irishmen. So Newell had pissed off not one, not two, but three groups that were all completely willing to kill people to get what they wanted.

But even this was not enough for him! Because it came out with this autobiography that Newell had been having a long-standing affair with Murdock's wife. This pissed off Murdock's people, and it made Murdock so angry that he broke into Newell's room in Dublin Castle to shoot at him multiple times (no one was injured and Murdock even went to jail for a day or two). Newell was evidently very attached to Murdock's wife, which is. kind of sweet I guess. but anyway. At this point, Newell's horrified friends started trying to get him to leave Ireland by any means possible. Remember, there were now four angry groups that wanted him dead, so if he stayed it was pretty much inevitable that he would get a bullet in the head. Newell would not, however, consent to leave without Murdock's wife, who Murdock did not want to let go because y'know... they were married. Since he would not leave immediately as he probably should have done, Newell's friends convinced him to come as far as Bangor, where he stayed in an inn while they tried to convince him to leave for America.

Before I go any further, I feel like I should clarify for people who may not know--there's an important difference between killing someone and disappearing someone. If you were killed by the United Irishmen, maybe they ambush you as you're walking along the road, shoot you and leave your body in the ditch, but your body's still there, and it will be found, and returned to your family, and they know what happened to you, etc etc. But if you were disappeared by the United Irishmen, they might grab you while you're walking along the road, or show up at your house and drag you away, or ambush you at a pub--either way they take you away, and no trace of you is ever seen again. Nobody knows what happened to you, where you are, if you're dead or alive, etc etc--it's almost like you've vanished off the face of the earth. This is often considered worse than killing someone because of the lack of closure, and it's also specifically a human rights violation apart from just normal murder according to the UN.

Having said that, you've probably guessed what happened to Newell. He was at his inn one night, drinking with his friends, and he walked away arm in arm with "two professed friends" who none of my sources name, and he was never seen again. There are conflicting accounts of what exactly happened to him. One says that he was shot to death on the road and his body was buried on the beach. One says that he was thrown off of a ship that was meant to take him to America. One says that they just drowned him. Madden kind of implies that he may have been put into what was basically a saw trap and fallen down a trap door with an axe murderer under it. I've even seen it kind of suggested that hey, maybe he did make it to America after all (unlikely tbh). Whatever happened, no trace of him was ever seen or heard from again. They did later find two separate skeletons that were both theorised to have possibly been him--one under the beach in Bangor in the 1820s, another under the foundation of the house with the axe murderer hole in the 1810s. The other thing all of these accounts agree on is that the United Irishmen were the ones who did it, and that those who did it specifically were probably Newell's own former colleagues.

[veliseraptor]

Top 5 fictional siblings!

oh boy oh man. I feel like I've probably answered this one previously but I don't feel like going digging for it right now so you get to read me talking about at least some of the same relationships again

1. Yunmeng Siblings. God! What a mess! Truly a deeply codependent trio with intertwining and sometimes clashing issues and communication problems! I love them. Like...god, no joke, I'm pretty sure it was the Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian relationship specifically that actively hooked me emotionally and that kinda continued to be true (and is definitely true now as one of my major points of emotional connection), but then Jiang Yanli in there and the dynamic with her added? The role she plays in mediating, her self-effacing-ness, the way she is, I think, trying to make herself small in part to offset the drama swirling around the other two and also just generally to avoid conflict? The "older sister taking on vaguely parental role" vibes? I just...love them. And all their fucked up mess.

2. Shi Wudu & Shi QIngxuan. I feel like I was less attached to this as a dynamic on my first read and got more into it on reread because again - say it with me - it's a mess. Shi Wudu's overprotective, somewhat controlling relationship to Shi Qingxuan born clearly out early fear and anxiety about her doomed status but now manifesting in disapproval and judgment, and the tension between Shi Qingxuan's freewheeling, carefree nature and her desire to please her brother...and maybe most of all the way that the fact that they love each other too much ultimately condemns both of them. Shi Wudu refuses to make a decision that will hurt Shi Qingxuan. Shi Qingxuan again and again refuses to turn away from her brother even after she knows what he's done. I'm suffering about it.

3. Felix & Mildmay. Remember when I was 13 and read Melusine and possibly was a little young for it but latched onto it so hard and got really, really invested in the relationship between Felix and Mildmay in all its fucked up codependent messy glory? Yeah, that was a thing and it hasn't changed. Beautiful disasters. and like...I feel like in some ways Mildmay's love and devotion to Felix goes without saying (it's not always good for him!) but I was just looking back through my blog and found the part where Felix answers someone judging his relationship with Mildmay at the end of the first book by saying that he is "down in the gutter. With him." and boy!!! for a character who so ruthlessly distances himself from his gutter history in every possible way...that's a lot.

4. Richard & Lymond. Feel like this whole post could be titled "what a mess! they love each other very much but what a mess! and that's definitely also true here. Like from The Game of Kings classic "I will bring him to you on his knees, weeping, and begging to be killed" through...everything in Checkmate tbh...augh. It's almost always Lymond making things harder, also, but Richard just...can never quite walk away from him.

5. As usual I waffled on my fifth but I ended up going with the Sons of Feanor as a whole. A little bit of a different dysfunction because I think their dysfunction is less with each other (though increasingly the 'us against the world' thing probably...isn't super healthy) but more with. the extended family and also the world. But boy do I love a borderline pathologically loyal group of siblings dedicated to a hopeless cause that they kinda know is hopeless but it's happening anyway! and they all die miserably except one who lives miserably! That is, as the kids say, the good shit.

Honorable mention does have to go to Thor and Loki, who do own the tag "tragic siblings" on this blog.

[khaleesiofalicante]

I really said fuck classes who needs notes anyway (i do I have 5 tests in the next two weeks)

before I post my live blog here, I feel like people really underestimate how bad rumors are and how much they fuck with your mental health. they don't lose sleep over them, they don't think twice. but these things are harmful as fuck. they leave wounds that take so long to recover from because you keep on thinking about these lies who to others are "just words"

I've been there. it's not fun. I wish I had the courage back then to stand up to those rumors which I have now. these things never leave you. others might move on but the healing process is a journey that is long and hard. I wish more people understood just what effect their words can have.

Yeah, he knew a thing or two about family members going overboard with glitter.

IT'S RAFAEL CENTRIC GHSYGUJDUYDFUIKFDUIDFIUDF

TAVVY

TAVVY

TAVVY

DCSUIHDCSUIDUYUDICUIVSDUIHFVSUILFBUHKIFSV

I feel like I keyboard smash A LOT

“You will never drink even if you are not riding the bike,” Dad had pointed out – all Consul Voice and threatening glares. “The legal age for drinking in New York is 21.”

“But it’s 15 in Idris!”

“Well unfortunately for you, we are in Exile,” dad had grinned.

DAD ALEC UHIKSFDUIHKSGUIKSDVUIHKDVUHIKSVD

Max had a habit of ‘borrowing’ things and selling them on eBay. In his brother’s defense, Bapak had so many clothes that he never noticed when things disappeared. But Rafael did since he had a habit of wearing his father’s clothes.

The warlock – not the shadowhunter.

He wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those sweaters.

Now that Rafael was 18, he was almost as tall as his father.

The shadowhunter – not the warlock.

I AM SCREAMING

I love how he's clarifying which one he's talking about

“Do you know I used to have a crush on Lily Chen?” Tavvy blushed. “But then I found out she made out with Helen once and it kinda got weird.”

Ah yes. I remember. Does Rafael know that Alec also walked in on them?

ARCHITECT TAVVY

SDHDVUHDFSV,YDSFVUYVSFFUSVFUVFS

SHADOWUNTERS ATTENDING MUNDANE COLLEGES

“Dude, college kids don’t give a shit,” Tavvy laughed. “You could walk into a lecture covered in runes, holding a seraph blade and they wouldn’t give you a second look.”

“Cause they are chill?”

“Yes. But mostly cause they are dead inside,” Tavvy chuckled.

Surprisingly that's exactly what my grade 6 prefect told me (DAMN WHY AM I ALWAYS REMEMBERING GRADE 6 IT'S BEEN YEARS. that was a horrible year *shudders*)

ANJALI IS A CENTURION

LMAO THIS IS WHAT RAFAEL MEANT WHEN HE SAID HE WOULDNT WANT TO GO TO THE SCHOLOMANCE FOR PERSONAL REASONS

I still ship them.

“The meeting is going to go perfe-What is SHE doing here?”

Well, that was a quick change-

Unlike Aunt Maia, Lily did not like to be called Aunt Lily. So, Rafael respected her wishes. Max of course continued to call her Aunt Lily and sometimes Abeula Lily since his brother had a pathological condition of pissing people off.

THAT'S SO MAX OMG JHSXUHSCUHISDHUHUKIDVS

great now I miss Raphael

I HAVE A CLASS IN 7 MINUTES STOP MAKING ME CRY

that is so thoughtful of him though...

tears.

“There are no photos of Raphael,” Lily sighed.

“Because he is a vampire?” Tavvy asked sympathetically.

“Because he is Raphael,” she grinned. “Vampires can most certainly take photos. You should follow me on Instagram. My handle is simp_for_carstairs.”

Of course, it is. No one is surprised.

Tavvy picked one up, took a large bite and it threw it back immediately. “Holy shit, that’s spicy!”

“White,” Lily and Anjali snorted at the same time.

white people and their bland foods smh

“She is not wrong,” Lily nodded seriously. “I’m a Jem Carstairs fan first and a vampire second.”

As she should be

UHDSUHDFSUHFDH ANJALI AND RAFAEL COMPETING ABOUT WHO'S LILY'S FAVORITE

He observed Anjali’s long dark hair spilled over her shoulders as her eyes stayed on Lily – sharp, protective and beautiful.

"Beautiful"

I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO

I'm THE DAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP

FUCKING RUMORS

I'm GONNA KILL SOMEONE

“Shadowhunters are awful gossips,” Anjali said. “Let’s not waste our time with this nonsense.”

There was something in her voice. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.

No, wait I want to know what was in her voice.

But no. It couldn’t be. They weren’t dating.

YET

Rafael was sure there was something more than friendship between them. But David was polite to a fault and Max was an oblivious little shit. So, obviously nothing had happened yet.

OH MY GOD THESE TWO

But this was different. He would tolerate rumours about himself. But he would not tolerate rumours about his family.

I and Rafael will beat up the people who spread these rumors together :D

“She once told me she likes sipping tea more than drinking blood.

I-

same.

NOT THAT I DRINK BLOOD-

RAFAEL LMAO NO

"I hate her she's so annoying"

continues to daydream about her and how tall she'd be without those boots, lies to tavvy about her dating someone

Why did he do that? What was the purpose? Did he not want other people to date just because he wasn’t dating anyone?

And he calls Max oblivious.

oh class started

shit

IDC IDC I'LL STILL BE READING

LEXI AND SELENA ARE AT THE ACADEMY

JACE HYPER FIXATING ON THINGS BECAUSE HE'S BORED IS SUCH A MOOD

“David and I added rosemary to this one,” Uncle Jace wiped his hands on his apron. “It has definitely improved the taste, hasn’t it?”

“Save me,” David mouthed from behind the man.

LMAO POOR DAVID

“Empty nest syndrome,” Rafael chuckled. “I’m glad neither Max nor I had to leave home. My fathers are much worse.”

He remembered his first sleepover at the institute. His parents had waited for “an excruciating hour” before crashing the institute and joining the sleepover themselves.

yup, that's them.

“David,” Rafael grinned. “Are you afraid of my father?”

“What? No! He is the just a regular person…who can throw me in the silent city any time he wants,” David rambled and then shook his head. “Where is Max?”

He tried to sound nonchalant. But Rafael noted the way the other boy’s eyes fluttered every time he said Max’s name.

Just the way a crooked smile appeared on his brother’s lips every time someone said David’s name.

Idiots

ok, there is so much to unpack here.

DAVID HAS A VALID REASON OK??

These two are such IDIOTS HUSDUHISCUIDSVCUIHVSDUHI

“Max said Bapak is biased, and that he needs an unbiased tutor. Uncle Ragnor volunteered,” Rafael chuckled. “God bless the poor man.”

“Max isn’t that bad,” David replied.

“Looks like you’re biased too, David,” Rafael winked and picked up a spare bow from the training room.

of course, he is.

G-FORCE KJHSDCUISDYUKDFSUYKDSVYUSFD

oh shit

oh shit

WHO DID WHAT THIS TIME

what's the rumor and who do I need to kill

He didn’t know her well. But she knew a lot about him. Just as she knew a lot about the twins. She was one of those people who was oddly invested in his life just because Rafael happened to the Consul’s son.

what is her problem?

what the fuck

I need a minute

I need a minute to digest that

I'm so glad I closed my camera in class

what the actual fuck did she just say

tell me I'm hallucinating

times like these I wish I was Jared 19

no, because I'm actually speechless right now

Paige and Irene need therapy

OH SHE WENT THERE

“Paige, that’s enough!” the Dean snapped at her. “How dare you talk to him that way? You talk about warlock corruption but where all of you when Valentine exploited Jace and Clary? Where was this moral obligation when Valentine lied to his children and played with their feelings as if they were nothing but toys to be controlled and manipulated? I’m sick of shadowhunters victim blaming children instead of holding people like Valentine accountable.”

THANK YOU

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK SIMON

I feel like we all focus so much on the "incest" and hate on clace we forget that this part of the story was literally an abuser seeing that the victim was recovering and took the only thing which made him happy from him

I can't believe this

“Children have been suffering for a long time now, Paige,” Uncle Jace said now, his fists balled at his sides. “Where were you when Alec proposed the child protection bill? We didn’t see any of you supporting it.”

“We had other priorities,” the older woman replied. “People were dying! It was not the right time for a new law. We could have always signed that bill later. There was no rush!”

OTHER PRIORITIES MY ASS BITCH FUCK YOU

hey just realizing Rafael is the token straight

I'M SORRY IM TRYING TO DISTRACT ME

“The Cohort who made children kill themselves to prove a point?” Uncle Simon asked dryly. “That Cohort?”

I am so close to either crying or killing someone or both.

This was Max’s spot since it had the best Wi-Fi coverage.

yeah trust me I spend all the time in the guest room because it has the best wifi coverage or the study.

MAX IS SMOKING TOO

YOU FUCKING IDIOTS

oh wait

oh they might be alec's

yeah

For the next thirty minutes, Max paced around the room, threatening to portal all the shadowhunters to hell.

Then he went on about a plan to attack the cohort and portal them all to hell too.

He kept talking about portalling people to hell.

MAX YES LET'S DO IT!!!!

But here is the thing about people, they don’t get to you. You get to them.

They simply say something and leave. They probably don’t even mean the things they say or lose sleep over it. But it wasn’t the same for you. You obsess over it. You stay awake at night and let it consume your dreams.

YES! To others, it's just words. meaningless. to you, the effect can be so so deep. it's not easy to always brush them off.

NO MAGNUS

THAT'S IT

MAX AND I ARE PORTALLING PEOPLE TO HELL

WE'RE DOING IT

why do we hurt others?

my teacher: ill take a test on this chapter. all 20 units

me: softly crying because people are little shits and they hurt others.

“Fuck everyone else,” dad hissed. “They’ve hurt our family enough.”

EXACTLY. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

“I am simply being honest with you,” Dad interrupted. “I could never be okay when you are away from me. But I will manage. Max is going to raise hell though. So, that’s going to be fun.”

AS HE SHOULD

Neither Rafael nor Max would never admit it out loud, but on the day of that sleepover, on the day their parents had crashed the institute bcause they had missed the kids too much…Rafael and Max had been only a moment away from calling their parents to come pick them up.

He's right though.

it'll take time. lots of it maybe.

BUT THE ACTUAL AUDACITY.

It fucked with his mind so much.

Rafael...ALRIGHT WHERE ARE MY FLAMETHROWERS

“DAD! BAPA! WAKE UP! RAFE IS TRYING TO RUN AWAY!”

MAX REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY LITTLE BROTHER

He had forgotten about the bloody paperwork. Shadowhunters on their travel year had to notify the Clave and get their paperwork in order.

Well, it shouldn’t be a problem since the Clave was standing across the hall.

EXACTLY

Because it was killing him. It was killing him not to be lying on the couch, his head resting on his Bapak’s lap just like every other Saturday morning.

It was killing him not to touch, not to love, not to care.

GET MY FLAMETHROWERS AND CANNIBAL GOLDFISHES WE HAVE SOME WORK TO DO

(goddamn every class I have taken so far the teacher has told us there is a test coming up it's 9 am in the morning.)

His brother growled at that like the little feral animal that he was.

that's adorable actually.

“Fine,” Max rolled his eyes. “Does this mean I can also travel? There is a Twenty One Pilots concert in Sydney and-”

“Nice try,” Dad said. “But no. You are staying here.”

“Excuse me, but what about my healing?” Max demanded. “I’ve been traumatised by this thing.”

“You can go to therapy,” Rafael winked at this brother.

Therapy is boring but useful so-

He needed to survive this. So, he decided to go back to the place he had learned how to survive in the first place.

He needed to go back home.

UGLY CRYING WHILE TAYLOR SWIFT PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND MY HISTORY CLASS IN 2 MINUTES

I'm so proud of him for this...

I still say we kill these people.

JOAQUIN AND JULIETTE

UHISDCUIHFSDUGUIDFVDSDVFJHGDFVHUKDVHUKVF

Camilla Alvarez.

well well.

OH THEY KISSED

“Right,” Rafael had said. “Gap year. Besides, I do talk them. My brother threatened to paint my room in hot pink if I don’t text him every day.”

hands max a pint of paint HAVE AT IT

Max: Also – New Rumour. Dalliance between Lily and Tavvy.

Rafe: OMFG WHAT

Max: They are running with it and freaking old n*philim out.

AS THEY SHOULD UFUHIFUIHFUIHKFU

THE CENSORED N*PHILIM I'M SCREAMING

“He is hot.”

He laughed out loud. “Yeah. I hear that a lot.”

“Your dad looks kinda scary,” she pointed out.

Rafael laughed again. “Yeah. I kinda hear that a lot too.”

I'm liking this ship...

I'M STILL LOYAL TO THE RAFAEL AND ANJALI SHIP

but I'm happy for him. I'm glad he's getting the space he needs

Dad: Jst found legal age fr drnkng in Buenos Aires is 18.

Rafe: ????

Dad: I hv friends thr.

Rafe: ???

Dad: Thy r watchn u.

Rafe: Creepy but okay.

HJSDCGUIHJGSDCYUICVXUHVUHKDV

THE BOY'S DRINKING Y'ALL

Do it

MILA IS GOING TO NY!!

I like her. she's nice.

He was leaving soon. He didn’t see the point in lying to her. “I ran away from home. Kind of.”

“Why?”

“I hurt someone I love,” Rafael confessed. “The person I love most in the world.”

honey, it wasn't your fault... hugs

Shit. Why wasn’t Bapak going to the accords signing? He had been there for every single one since the very first time.

no no no no is something wrong?? I'm worried.

“You look taller,” Rafael told his brother who hadn’t grown an inch.

LMAO

Max and I are vertically challenged.

“Rafe, go to talk to him. Or I will tell everyone you’ve been smoking in the balcony!”

So, he was going to pin this on him, huh? This little shit.

well-

“You’ve progressed from freaking to fucking,” he pointed out.

“That’s not the fucking point, Rafael!” Max said in exasperation.

“You did it again,” Rafe pinched Max’s cheek. “My little brother is all grown up now. Linguistically I mean.”

“Dick."

I CAN'T WITH THESE TWO

When he had gone back to Buenos Aires, the place was completely different - even the shadow market.

There were no abandoned children in the streets. There were no racist and ignorant leaders exploiting innocent downworlders.

There was only growth.

His father had done that. Alec Lightwood had helped Joaquin and his people create a new world in Buenos Aires.

This shows how much people can flourish under good leadership if they really try.

YOU KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING THESE NOTES DOWN, NOT CRYING OVER THIS.

“I will protect our family. I will protect our friends. I will protect those who ask for my protection. But I will not tolerate their hate. I will not turn my head and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Because it does hurt and that’s not okay.”

Rafael smiled at that. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not okay.”

“The accords is important. But so am I. There is no point in signing a treaty that is meant to value equality if I have to sign it while being surrounded by those who refuse to respect me or my identity. I simply cannot do it, Rafael. I hope you understand.”

I'm sobbing like YES YOU DONT OWE THEM SHIT. THESE UNGRATEFUL BITCHES.

“It’s taken me a while to realize this. But I don’t owe the nephilim anything,” Bapak said firmly. “It’s about time they realize that too.”

YES EXACTLY

“I’ve known shadowhunters for a long time, Rafael. Good ones. Bad ones. All kinds of them – and shadowhunters have always defined themselves by their love. Not by your weapons. Not by your runes. Not by your last names. Not by your laws. Shadowhunters have always defined themselves by love. So, don’t ever let them take that away from you.”

I want this on a T-shirt. These damn shadowhunters and their love.

“Like the Accords Hall kiss?” Rafael grinned.

“It’s the stupidest thing your father had ever done – which is really saying something,” his father laughed. “But it’s also the bravest thing I’ve ever seen him do. And that’s how I knew.”

affectionate sigh that's alec.

“Good. Max is sitting in the porch and singing All by Myself,” Tessa chuckled and closed the door. “Just thought you should know!!”

Rafael giggled at that. “He must have given you hell.”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” Bapak shrugged, and Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Fine. I might have promised to buy him a car when he turns 18.”

“You’re hoping he would stop aging by then, aren’t you?” Rafael chuckled.

Max is so dramatic I aspire to be like him.

Blue banners when the lost return, the shadowhunter rhythm said.

Rafael had returned home – and he was no longer lost.

I'm ok I say as I cry during my history class

I'm so proud of him.

“Well, that needs to be rectified immediately,” Dad said in the Consul Voice and literally yelled. “I am about to kiss my son – on both cheeks! You better gossip about this too!”

“Oh my god, stop!” Rafael giggled and tried to escape.

“YAS!” he heard Uncle Jace yelled from somewhere. “GIVE US A FOREHEAD KISS TOO!”

THEY ARE SO DRAMATIC I LOVE THESE IDIOTS SO MUCH.

THEM ADDING TO THE ACCORDS AS THEY SHOULD OMG

“The hell is hate speech?” someone asked.

Do you not have a dictionary you uncultured swine

“There is a very clear difference between free speech and hate speech,” Cristina Rosales pointed out. “The fact that you don’t seem to know that is all the more reason for us to include this provision.”

YES CRISTINA

“By the angel,” an old man gasped. “There is no need to be so emotional. The younger generation can be such snowflakes.”

What if I just strangles him

“Discriminatory language?” a woman demanded. “What does that even mean?”

“Calling vampires bloodsuckers,” Lily Chen answered.

“Calling warlocks demon spawns,” Ragnor Fell pointed out.

“Calling werewolves fleabags,” Maia Roberts declared.

“Calling faeries half-breeds,” Kieran Kingson all but yelled.

The fact that they have had to deal with this shit for YEARS. (also why Kingson? isn't Kieran the king?)

THE QUEEN HERSELF IS HERE Y'ALL

“Which one of you shitheads said hate speech is harmless?” Anjali demanded, her voice booming over everyone and everything else.

YES ANJALI

Anjali had a grin of her own. “While that might true, Paige, there is most certainly a law on child protection. You didn’t just hurt Magnus Bane. You also hurt his son. Section 7 of the Child Protection Bill states that any person who physically or emotionally injures a child through ill-treatment, neglect, abandonment or abuse is guilty of breaking the covenant.”

“Damn straight!” someone yelled from the crowd – it sounded suspiciously like Kit.

CALL THESE BITCHES OUT YES

“Rafael is not a child!” someone yelled again. A lot of them this time. “It’s still not illegal. The law doesn’t say so!”

“By the angel, for someone who is obsessed with the law you people seem to know nothing about it,” Anjali said in exasperation. “The child protection law defines a child as a person under 18 years OR younger. The incident happened when he was still 18. It’s illegal.”

YES ANJALI FUCK THESE PEOPLE

“I’m the Inquisitor’s daughter,” she said. “Next time, think twice before you quote the law at me.”

SHOW THEM, QUEEN

How did she know his birthday????

ahem

“So, if you do hurt him emotionally, you can still be implicated. You will face charges and you can possibly be stripped of your runes,” Anjali pointed out seriously. “Now I ask you again. Does anyone else have to say anything about him?”

There was absolute silence then.

“Didn’t fucking think so,” Anjali spat. “I literally had to mention the stripping of your marks for you to respect another person’s basic rights. If you give half the value you place on your precious runes to other people, we wouldn’t be in exile right now.”

The Cohort looked terrified – of Anjali or their future in the Clave, Rafael didn’t know.

“People are dying,” Anjali said, her voice heavy now. “Our people are fucking dying, and you seem to be more bothered with who is sleeping with whom. Shame on you. Shame on all of you!”

She turned to the Council. The Inquisitor looked like he was going to cry from pride. Rafael’s dad looked half terrified but mostly impressed. Lily was blowing kisses at Anjali. The other downworld leaders looked quite pleased.

Shadowhunters are so fucking bigoted and narrow-minded. I'm seething right now.

also, alec looking scared-

“THAT’S THE BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Emma Carstairs yelled.

“Goddamn, I wish Magnus was here to see this,” Uncle Jace grinned. “That was satisfying as hell.”

“No worries, I recorded the whole thing!” Kit put up his hand.

YES YES AND YES

“Fuck the Cohort,” Rafael giggled.

“Actually, I would prefer you use the word screw,” his father pointed out. “Screw the Cohort!”

“Oh my god, Dad!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “I am allowed to swear once in a while.”

“No, you are not,” Dad said firmly – this man was so not ready to meet Max’s new persona. “As your friend pointed out, you are still a child.”

Alec seeing Max curse left and right: 👁️👄👁️

"She hates me!"

“Rafael, she stood up for you in front of the entire Clave. She fought the Cohort. It was incredibly brave. I wish she had spoken to me before without causing all the chaos. So, it was a little stupid of course. But still brave.”

Stupid but brave.

YESYESYESYES IT'S HAPPENING!!!

ANJALI WHO HURT YOU

WHO DARED TO

Names. Give me names NOW

Jaime no...please no not Jaime.

please please, please

ok, I searched it up. And he can get treatment. He can live. It doesn't have to be serious. please, Jaime...

“If you ever tell anyone you saw me crying, I will drag you to Idris and drown you in Lake Lyn.”

This is such an Anjali thing to say.

OOO MILLA (Mila?) MESSAGED!!! Is there gonna be some sort of love triangle here??

me who despises love triangles (aside from TID of course): ...

BUT SINCE IT'S YOU I'M SURE IT'LL BE AMAZING. I'm still nervous about this though...

UHCUHDVUKDVHUKVHUVHM I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO SO SO SO MUCH IT WAS A LITERAL ROLLERCOASTER AND ANJALI QUEEN I LOVE

see ya on Friday!!

OKAY I AM LOVING THIS ENERGY BUT PLEASE FOCUS ON YOUR CLASSES FJKSDFHJKSJFHKD I PROMISE THE STORY IS GOING TO BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK LOL.

But I am so glad you like it. Amidst all your screaming and chaos, I always find very perceptive and profound observations. It's fantastic! I love it so much!

Thank you for enjoying LBAF - and good luck with your tests!!!

[serenasoutherlyns]

4, 18, 20?

thank you for the ask! this one got long lol

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

- ok, from a WIP i have:

The realization goes straight to her ribs, knocks the wind out of her. She’s sure she shakes, trying to get off the weight of the week and give the pleasure-panic taking over every part of her body a place to rest itself. That would be it for notes. Tracey gathers her things in a half-daze. As she walks out of the building, onto the subway, up the steps to her apartment, as she undoes her lock, climbs into the shower and then into her bed: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

i just love writing Tracey, and i think this one shows one of my favorite things about writing: so i used to write a LOT of poetry and i don't as much anymore, but a friend once said that my way of writing prose reminded her of the way i wrote poetry, that i put (rhythm, alliteration, etc) into it, and it made me feel really happy. so yeah :). and i don't usually try to do it, it just happens.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

- if anybody remembers not a summer crush (LOLOLOL), it was originally going to be a lot darker. so around halfway through, caroline gets sick and alex & casey take care of her, it's all very cute and kind of pushes things along there. well initially, she was going to have a period of rough mental health instead, she was going to find out that her former dance teacher had been accused of child abuse and it was going to bring up a lot of things for her about her childhood & leaving dance and all of that, she was going to go back to california and help with the prosecution, kind of right at the start f her relationship with a/c. eventually i decided that a) it took things down a sad path i didn't want to deal with, b) it took away from the point of the story which i wanted to be the family and romantic relationships in caroline's life and the start of her career, and c) it hit just a liiiittle bit too close to home for me to be comfortable writing it. so yeah! who knows if i'll ever finish that one, but that's what its original form was like.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

- i guess, i think i tend to write some characters in a way that might come off as ooc even though i don't think of it that way. for example, alex cabot is often the "ice queen," very tough and sarcastic, emotionally cold, etc. i see her dominant characteristics as like, determined and also anxious, so what seems like cold is actually scared, what seems like tough is actually this insatiable drive to get what she wants and believes is right. or tracey kibre can come across as a hardass with not a whole lot of sympathy in her, but i see her as having a need for control that borders on pathological, it hurts her more than anybody else. and she has SO much compassion for what she sees as the "right" people that it sometimes makes her make bad or cruel choices. or abbie, who has this mean and merciless exterior, but all of that comes from a place of hurt. i'm sure others share this perspective but yeah, that's where my ideas for characters tend to come from; like asking myself "well why do they act like that" not "what do they act like."

- i named jack mccoy's little sister "stevie" in the lock that kept it dark without realizing that's almost the oldest daughter on madam secretary's name

- in the first chapter of passionately, i'd say, jack says to claire "clear as day, claire kincaid, i certainly don't anticipate a problem" while the line from "second opinion" is just "i certainly don't anticipate a problem." this is because i was watching the lizzie bennet diaries and wanted to include the line darcy says to lizzie after they kiss for the first time, "clear as day, lizzie bennet."

(fun meta asks for writers!)

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

(Vol. XX)

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Ask for Help

(6x03/6x04/6x07)

Hello dear Fandom!! How are you? This is another chronicle from my Destiel Chronicles.

I will talk in this meta, about how Bobby was foreshadowing the whole Castiel's POV in episode 6x21.

First of all, I want you to picture Bobby as Cas here, and everything will be easy to read.

I want to give thanks to my dearest friend @agusvedder , she made the gifs exclusively for this meta. Thank you beautiful 😘💖.

Ok, are you ready? Let's start with this...

Castiel asked for help

Coming back to episode 6x03, we have Edlund writing this scene...

Castiel... Asking for help to the WINCHESTERS brothers, and Soulless Sam mocking bc he was asking for help to him one entire year and Castiel didn't appear. But, remember I wrote about time being different in Heaven, times passes faster there. So a year could be days... IDK.

The important thing here is CASTIEL ACTUALLY ASKING FOR HELP. Edlund wrote it. And that's a fact. But not the help we needed him to ask for... Isn't? Well. *Sobbing*

Bobby foreshadowing the whole situation with Castiel

Ok... let's start now with episode 6x04 "Weekend at Bobby's" if you watch this episode, you'll be saying "poor Bobby" for sure. He has a tough life. He has to do so many things. He doesn't even have time for love, or eating some cake, and besides the boys call him all the time and they don't even listen t Bobby's problems... Well... If you carve a little more... You will find Cas in Bobby...

Let's start with the first phone call Dean made to Bobby... He was busy, ofc... Trying to find out how to break the deal with Crowley, and... Dean tells him... This particular line...

Writers choose the word FALL maybe to remind us about Castiel's fall. And the mocking tone in Dean's voice denote he's mad bc Bobby took his time to answer him. The same with Castiel. The continuous demand coming from Dean to Castiel for help him and his brother. Like a claim. "Why you are not HERE right away IN THE MOMENT I NEED YOU? We saw in the previous Chronicles how Dean was demanding Castiel for his lack of attention to Dean's prayers and problems. Well... Here we have a big foreshadow for that.

But this isn't finished yet... The demand from Dean continued...

DEAN (over the phone): This thing is on a rampage. Call us as soon as you dig something up.

Bobby looks anxious.

BOBBY: Dean, I'm a little busy.

"I'm busy" says Bobby, and is the same excuse Castiel's says everytime Dean is demanding from him attention "I'm at war." Castiel is busy too.

And this one here...

Wow, now Dean is piss, what is more important than me or my brother? Is the same situation and reclaim he made to Cas: "What is more important than me, and my brother without soul, Cas???"

DEAN (over the phone): Hello?

BOBBY: I – I hear you, son. I – it just ain’t a good time.

DEAN (over the phone): Yeah, okay. You know what – Forget it. I mean I'm baring my soul like a freaking girl here and, uh –And you've got stuff to do. So that is – that's fine...That's fine but, seriously, a little selfish.

Bobby, as Castiel, hears Sam and Dean's problems/prayers, but ain't a good time.

Bobby is so done with this childish behavior here, that he decides to talk with him and with Sam.

Now... Please pay attention to Bobby's words here... Remember... He's Castiel's mirror...

BOBBY: I'm selfish? Me? I do everything for you! Everything! You need some lores scrounged up...

BOBBY: You need someone to bitch to about each other...

Sam looks at Dean, puzzled.

BOBBY (over the phone): You call me and I come through – Every damn time! And what do I get for it!? Jack with a side of squat!

Aaaaand dejá vu my friends... "I did everything for you..." So Cas... That time when he kicked Dean's ass... And now the foreshadow... "I always come when you call." With those lamb's eyes I can't handle... Excuse me... *runs and cries*

But specially the line in the gif... Mentioning the fire (Hell), Castiel saved Dean and Sam both from PERDITION, so that's another clue for us to make think about Bobby being here a blantant Cas mirror.

But how this whole mess ends? Like this...

BOBBY (over the phone): Now look. I know you've got issues. God knows I know. But I got a news flash for you. You ain't the center of the universe! Now, it may have slipped your mind… that Crowley owns my soul! And the meter is running! And I will be damned if I'm going to sit around and be damned! So how about you two sack up and help me for once?

What I marked in red... Yeap, pathological codependency... Loved by Gamble 😒

And then...

The boys decided to help Bobby, right away when he asked him for help... This will be the difference with Castiel.

Castiel using the same line with Dean

And if you have doubts yet, in episode 6x07 "Family Matters" we had this exchange of words between Dean and Cas...

CASTIEL: Sam, Dean... I have to get back.

DEAN: You're leaving?

CASTIEL: I'm in the middle of a civil war.

(The excuse again.)

This again, Sassy Castiel calling Dean selfish. But as always... Dean is blind with his issues and his brother's issues too... Repeat with me... Pathological codependency.

To Conclude

Bobby was in episode 6x04 a Castiel mirror and a foreshadow of the future situation between Dean and Cas.

He even quoted some classic Destiel phrases.

The pathologic codependency is everywhere when Sam was soulless, and Dean couldn't think in other problem than that. Thank you Sera. 😒

I hope you liked this, I'll see you in the next Chronicles. 😘💕

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfatmydoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @xsghn @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel

If you want to be tagged, please let me know.

If you want to read the previous season 6 Destiel Chronicles, here you have the links...

XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, XIX

Buenos Aires, July 17th 2019 9:03 PM

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Humans of New York (@humansofny) on Apr 10, 2020 at 2:35pm PDT

You have to watch the video in the end.

Look everyone's story is different. And I understand his.

But I want to explain something. Carpenters and Construction workers rule the world.

They're as important as a McDonald's Happy Meal.

I want to explain something else. Sometimes people don't dream of going to Harvard, they're forced to. Sometimes people at Harvard -- I got into Harvard and I got into Yale Law. I chose not to go to either. -- sometimes people at Harvard just want to work with their hands.

I got Into Harvard. And I got into Yale Law.

I went to the University of New Mexico after a dabble at Oklahoma State, TVI - now CNM.

After a long time.. High school, being accepted into Ivey League schools, marriage, divorce, a 7 year old, 6 colleges/universities, trying to decide on something other than a Speech Pathologist because i believe you can learn a child's dialect and they don't speak wrong but different -- I gave myself a stern taking to.

I wanted to be an Architect.

To be an Architect my most important people are Carpenters, Construction workers, electricians, plumbers. And more.

I would need carpenters for sure because I love Gothic, Roman, Greek, Colonial style homes/buildings.

Well I never made it as an Architect my local universities didn't offer it at a bachelor's level and I failed out via running out of money for Speech Pathology.

And it was fucking hard.

But I want to tell you something. Look at his post here you'll see him on scaffolding. In NYC there's scaffolding every where. One of my favorite things on a hot day was sit under there and listen to them work.

We did so much underground work, freeing slaves.

One day I just couldn't handle it anymore. And I sat under scaffolding and I leaned my back against the wall and I pulled my knees up to my face and began to very loudly cry. It was one of the loudest places in the city. I thought no one could hear me.

Then I felt someone touch me. And ask if I was Ok. I wondered how long I had been crying because it was silent and I thought all the workers went home.

So I wiped my face in my shirt and I nodded "mmm I'm ok. Sorry. It was just so loud I thought no one could hear"

"Well we all did"

And I looked up and half the construction crew was standing looking worried.

And it made me bust into tears again. And they asked if i had been beaten or raped or needed the police or any random thing.

And i said "no. I'm just a recent widow and my child died right after child birth and i return kidnapped victims and my job is just hard let me put it that way"

So he gave me a bottle of water and asked if i needed money and told me safe places to go where nice people worked that were nice to the homeless.

So one day the noise of the hammers... The rhythm... I just decided. Not going to work was better for me. I was just gonna do something nice for nice people ... May be for a day or two..

So i would go to Macy's and buy shirts and boots and extra personal supplies for the construction workers, the people they told me about that were kind to the homeless and giving.

After a week the CIA asked what i was doing and when i would return to work. I said they could do it and i didn't want to.

They told me i wasn't acting healthy. I needed yo be underground feeling desperate and worried that i couldn't get people home to their families when my family was killed in front of me.

I couldn't. "Well quit buying stuff"

"Fine I'll buy less"

"Quit going to Macy's. What's wrong with the Bodega?"

"Oh sure where i shopped with my dead husband? No people need quality and quality is what they deserve! They work and they can afford their own clothes but they don't because it's too expensive for rent!! They can't afford clothes that don't rip or get holes in them every two weeks!!" I was yelling but i was mad. I wasn't letting people suffer and i wasn't letting myself suffer. No one had the right to tell me i was wrong. "Lower their rent so they have more than a few hundred bucks!! Look at them# bologna sandwiches that was all! They had no money to even eat! What am i doing wrong?! Good quality! Leave me be!!"

We always had long talks about quality. Because sometimes we found good at Bargain Basement and sometimes we didn't. So i knew Blue would approve.

"Yeah well you'll get fired"

"You wanna fire me?! Go ahead! And then when i want to go back to work you're not going to stop me! You'll thank me! So shove it!"

"You're causing a scene"

"No you are!!"

"You sit here for hours under the scaffolding that could fall on you and kill yoh while playing solitare in cards by yourself! You're not even Tarot. You could be making money on the street helping us but you aren't"

"That lady is a bitch. That lady ain't. That lady is sweet as the devil and that man is married to a cunt!!!! There are you happy now? Leave me be?" I was already exhausted and all the construction workers were down waiting for an explanation and to protect me.

They weren't very happy to find out I worked for the CIA. I guess they felt betrayed. I said "i help victims that get trapped under ground"

And so they thought like They fell into a pit of mud or something and needed help. Which is understandable.

I couldn't explain how i could feel abandoning those girls was my right. How i needed to. How helping them was destroying me. It was not explainable.

I didn't want to be encouraged to go back. I didn't want to be told i was wrong because it hurt my heart. I So damaged.

And I didn't want to volcano in anger. Not at anyone that didn't deserve it.

So I explained then... "*if someone is kidnapped and stuck or put under ground for human trafficking then they can't get out -- not on their own. They need me or the CIA and the CIA can cover for me while I am recovering to a better emotional state"

And one said "but you'll be fired"

"Well i run the CIA so i doubt that and i do check in with them every day down the street at least twice. That is why i was later today there was an issue with ome of the clubs and i had to sort it out. I just can't see the girls and work Like i used to. Promise to take them home. Make sure they see their families when my own was murdered in front of my face. Its just not something i can do"

They asked me for $500 and went to Macy's and in my place where i always sat and did solitare was a white paper Macy's bag. And it said "for the CIA GIRL named Sabrina"

And inside was a leopard fur coat. Of which they had got $250 from the CIA guy attempting to chew out my ass. And luckily it had been marked down. $657.32.

"Don't worry it was half off. And we split the leftover remaining for food. I hope you don't mind" i heard behind me.

I was crying so much I had snot bubbles.

So carpenters... They're like Gods. I've always looked up yo construction workers since that day.

Janitors at the elementary schools i attended they were always my heroes. If i didn't clean. I got beat. I tried to clean the whole cafeteria. Until I was told not to. I didn't have to. And ever since then it's been hard to just let them do their jobs and not help them.

They have been my heroes for s very long time. And not because I'm a germaphobe. Because they took pride in their work

Because like this man in this post always felt inferior. Bullied and picked on even.

Sometimes i would watch a janitor pick up trash next to the can a kid wouldn't pick up because he missed. And I would start crying and mess my make up up. And every one would ask me what was wrong. And i would bust into tears again "because the janitor had to clean!!".

I'm not talking just elementary school. I'm talking Jr high. I'm talking high school. Im talking i would skip school and smoke pot, smoke behind the principal's office or art building kinda old. And i would bust into tears because a janitors bad luck.

Ridiculous old. I would beat up bigger than me boys in school. Even beat the principal once for whipping my little brother. They still did paddling if there was a permission slip. My brothers wasn't signed. Mine and Nathaniel's had been and both said no paddling. So they called it even and let it go.

But i still cried cause the janitor who took pride in his work was bossed around like a bitch by the principal and the principal happened to be white and the janitor black.

So i stopped that shit by shoving the principal in his office and standing in front of it until he promised not to talk to the janitor. Every time he did with disrespect there i went. He took off running down the hall. Scared. Oh that pissed me off. Coward ass.

I used to work st Mazzios in Okmulgee. They used to go in after 8pm on Friday. I always waited on him and his wife cause Jamie always wanted a break to do dishes then. And we needed to. It was a mess by then. Dishes would be sliding off the counter And shit.

He never tipped. I asked his wife once why. She said "ask him" while laughing.

"Well? She's directed me to ask you. Seems your wife is in command here"

"Well I would tip if I had a waitress that didn't give me a black eye!"

"Well served, keep your dollar"

"Well next time I'm gonna pay $3!!"

So I told Jamie, "I don't mind doing dishes and it will save your nails I don't do mine. This guy here is the Principal at Preston and said he will pay to tip any waitress but me 3 whole dollars"

"Do the dishes"

She went over "I'm sorry was there a problem with your server?"

"She gave me a black eye!!!" What a dunce.

"Well I'll make sure she works extra hard on the dishes while I'll be the waitress to only you unless someone comes in since she's dangerous and can't come from behind the counter"

He looked over the back of his red booth and grinned. I grinned back.

Then he looked troubled "don't forget the tip" I sang back in a nasty I'll punch you in the face again tone. And kicked and threw all the chairs into the tables if they weren't pushed in on my walk back.

She got $5.

Oh it was definitely a joke around the restaurant. Friday nights after 8 weren't boring anymore.

His wife loved it. She was so tired of his shit. She knew we worked every Friday night and he was so dumb we could work him over on anything m

... ...

So in NYC. Scaffolding takes over the city sidewalks. Sometimes we have to walk in the street to pass. Or cross the street then cross back.because concrete barriers.

So in NYC the scaffolding is the rulers of the sidewalk. Put there by workers like the man who feels inferior to Harvard students.

They are in command.

.....

I loved sitting under the scaffolding and hearing the hammers. The men above. Working for money. The men above free. Free in the sky. Free from the streets. As far as they could safely be from the underground.

They were like the bird Phoneix to me.

I couldn't see them but i could hear them. Banging and whistling to a song on the radio or in their head.

Up there they were free. Free to build and create. What they were doing would last for years. Decades.

What they were doing would be seen by all of New York City. Its visitors. Its home personnel. Its bodegas. The kidnapped. Every one.

The CIA was afraid i would be lonlier when they moved on. But i knew they were working. I could hear it. And one day the scaffolding I found safe Haven under would be missing.

And i would see the Grand Prize. Their work completed.

I could never finish a bunker they would always refill. I needed a Happy Ending. I needed Green Grass Roots on the side of the building the whole street they touched the lives of could see.

When they finished i took the girls. "You see that up there? The blue and green? That wasn't there before. My friends did that. I want you to know every thing you touch and every thing you see leaves a definition. Some may be wrong and some may be right. But my friends did that and saved me from my misery. And right now want to hug that building"

And we did.

So to this man in this post and all people that work and feel inferior...

Specifically to this man -- each and every student st Harvard looked at you the same way you looked st them "i can be something one day. I can be someone as important as him. I can help build a wall to stay up for years to come so students like me can keep coming to Harvard. If he can do it. And work in Harvard. I can at least graduate"

So never belittle yourself. You are important. You are worth more than money. You change the world every day.

You remember that. People we don't always say it.

But we think it. We find inspiration every where.

A girl screaming in the driveway. A dude feeling lost because all the world was shut down in a joke like but meaningful song video. My worries about people working too hard and not being home or happy.

Regular people others would think as trash. Or overlook as a fun silly video of the times.

P Diddy tripping as well as many others.

You all changed the world.

And you did it better than the President of the United States of America.

We The People.

Need our "lower class" financed people and our "lower classed: educated.

My cousin only finished 5th grade. You never could tell by looking at her. I never remember. I never think about it. Until she mentions it. And it SHOCKS me. It shocks the shit out of me. Because I didn't think about it and i couldn't tell. I look up to her and admire her.

So while I am PROUD this man made his dreams come true in secret -- why? -- because they were his dreams and his dreams alone and he didn't want no one meddling in his dreams -- I want to tell all of you.

You are not inferior because of your race or employment. Your pay grade or gender.

Here if you can pass a test or quiz or do a quick something every one gets $5.

Because you're all equal.

Love yourselves

And this man in the post is amazing i want to say again. Idk how old he is. He looks young. But he applied himself and focused and he tried. And he succeeded.

We're gonna be ok world. Its just gonna take some time

[fat-acceptance-dropout]

You oppose the HAES and fat acceptance movements. I recently found a statement of their principles in the FAQ of the *Living400lbs* blog (the HAES principles are copied from the ASDAH website), and wonder what exactly you don't agree with that is stated there. I guess "reject the idealizing or pathologizing of specific weights" = the idea that being obese doesn't have health consequences, and "eating for well-being" = rejecting any weight-loss diet. Did I miss anything? (public answer is fine)

On paper, you’ll find very little about HAES and FA I don’t support. 

I like the basic principles behind HAES, the idea that you can pursue a healthier lifestyle without making weight loss your goal.

I like the FA idea “that fat people have the right to get on with their lives without having to lose weight first.” I do. 

As I said, on paper you’ll find very little I don’t support but HAES and FA look very different once you take them to practice. 

On practice however, you end up with things such as: 

- Fat activists telling someone not to lose weight despite weight loss being the principal treatment for a particular condition. 

- Fat activists telling a young woman who successfully lost weight that it was for nothing because she’ll gain it all back

- Claiming that diabetes is a made up illness created to shame women

And so on.

Really, I could go on and on with situations such as this one, but I have plenty of stuff like that in my archive if you want to look for yourself. 

BUT

The #1 reason I’m against Fat Acceptance and HAES? 

Because they lied to me. 

I was part of the movement. I believed in both things. I tried to “educate” my family, friends and health professionals on HAES and how their “fatphobia” was what was hurting me.

I 100% believed that my weight was outside of my control, that it was dictated by my genes, that what I ate had no impact on my weight whatsoever and that all the myriad of little health problems I had (Including but not limited to: Migraines, trouble breathing, joint pain, fatigue and hot flashes) weren’t in any way, shape or form related to my weight.

Did I find support in the movement? Sure. Lots of people always told me what I wanted to hear, and when I wanted to complain about how my parents were concerned about my weight, lots of people came to my aid telling me how toxic my parents were and how they didn’t care about my well being. 

I also found myself believing my own lies. Truly, 100% believe that I was unable to lose weight because “I exercised all the time and ate very little”. That I was just given this body and I was going to have to learn how to live with it.

The one thing I never manage to accomplish back then was to love my body, ironically enough, although I accepted it. What other choice I had? I was stuck in it. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it, right? 

It made me feel resentful of my family (How dare my mom and sister have good genes and how dare my father’s family give me the fat ones); made me feel paranoid whenever I was outside (because everyone attacks fat people all the time 24/4) and made me feel incredibly powerless. 

So here I am, drinking the FA/HAES Koolaid 24/7 and feeling more and more frustrated each passing day. 

Then I got tired of “accepting” and decided to change.

I actually lost weight, and I’ve been maintaining successfully for a while.

All the little health problems I had? Gone.

I actually feel better. Like it’s a tangible thing I notice every day. I move more easily, I breath more easily, I have way more energy than I ever had

You know, those things that couldn’t happen or weren’t real. 

You know, those things that weren’t caused by my weight at all.

So yeah, fucking FA and HAES lied to me. 

I was angry.

I’m still angry.

So yeah, that’s why I oppose HAES and FA.

Again, on paper, they’re good movements and you wouldn’t believe just by going through FAQs and guidelines that these movements have the potential to hold you back. 

I still support a lot of the things the movements are about but I absolutely oppose the helplessness these movements promote. 

That’s why I made this blog. Because I’m not special and I know there are many people out there who feel like I did. Who feel like they have no other option but to accept their bodies as they are.

I want them to know that while they should absolutely live their lives however they want to live them and demand to be treated with respect and compassion, they can actually lose weight if that’s what they want to do. 

I want people to feel like they have a choice, yanno? 

[braindamageforbeginners]

Life is, Perhaps, Maybe, Possibly Less Disastrous and Terrifying Than I Thought - and I Don't Like It

So, starting the next step in my ambitious, “Don’t die a horrible death” project, I met the team that will be overseeing the next phase, located at a large research hospital in Southern California. Which is closer to home than the large research hospital in Northern California, but my mad scientist oncologist didn't think there would be any better or worse outcomes, provided I kept her in the loop.

If there is one thing you take away from these macabre little memoirs, it's that if you get a dangerous disease, don't screw around; do some research and go straight to the best specialists in the field. That's the key step in making a fatal disease into a dangerous disease. And if you have a rare dangerous disease, that talent is usually at a research hospital. I especially recommend research hospitals, because it opens up opportunities that simply aren't available at your local Health Mart. Case in point, my new mad scientist oncologist walked into the room with a clinical trial for some exciting new chemo drug that would probably be just the thing, based on my pathology report. And, I know I won't be getting the placebo, because they're still testing it for side effects and safety. Now, this is an interesting case study in how desperation makes us behave differently, because, under normal circumstances, I would have some choice words for anyone offering to inject me with an unproven, potentially fatal substance (and demanded regular blood samples for the privilege). BUT, the clinical coordinator said the study would require regular check-ins for years, and, right now, the word “years” is unbelievably sexy. So, if I stop updating, there's a solid chance the miracle drug was less miraculous than advertised. And these researchers have some pull; there's a deadline to get into the wonder drug trial (I should be okay, but I'll make it in just under the wire), but I originally wasn't scheduled to meet the radiation team until next week; a call from from my oncologist got me an appointment literally within the hour. It's always good to know your physician has some pull in the hospital (I later looked it up; the neurooncology faculty of the hospital is less than about a dozen, so it was probably less “institutional clout” and more “personal favor”). Which brings up another selling point of research hospitals for the exotically diseased; the rules governing clinical trials are very specific, and very limiting. If you developed some new drug to treat Ebola, you wouldn't be allowed to just fly to a quarantine zone and start administering it; you would only be allowed to test certain patients that had certain qualifications and under certain conditions (this is to protect us from Josef Mengele types). So, when these researchers meet patients who qualify for their trial, they'll move heaven and earth to get you in. Speaking of which, I got a call from the clinical coordinator this morning - not 24 hours after being admitted to the trial - saying that I had an MRI next week, so that I could meet admission deadlines.

Meeting the radiation oncologist was a little less heartening.  She seems perfectly competent and decent, but her assessment was not totally reassuring. She said that my surgeon did a superb job removing the tumor, and that gave me a solid shot at survival (hooray), however, these are extremely invasive, fast-growing, dangerous tumors (no shit, Sherlock), and, to get best results, she'd be nuking rather more of my brain than the surgical borders. And this would probably result in some unpredictable neurocognitive deficits. Holy shit. I know from tumor #1, back in 2002 (again, it is fucked up that I have to specify that), that any time a neurologist says something like that, it's code for, “You will have some sort of post-procedure defects. It could be virtually unnoticeable, you might never walk again, we might lobotomize you; we’re not sure.” In 2002, that meant learning to read again at age 17, and it left me extensive brain damage that actually limited my career options (I'm not exaggerating any of that, and I have the EEGs to prove it). So you can understand why I'm rather skittish about a clinician using the term “brain damage.” But, the radiation oncologist mentioned that she was running a clinical trial to assess cognitive function at various stages of radiation treatment - I leapt on that one, too, because I know from experience, if you lose any IQ points, you want to know about it the minute it happens. And, although I'm upset at the thought of impairment, I do know a neurofeedback therapist. And, fortunately, the chemo drugs I'll be using don't directly kill cancer, but makes them more susceptible to radiation,  which means they'll be less harsh than feared. Somehow, the most upsetting thing she said was that I'd probably lose the hair on the right side of my head. And it may or may not grow back. God damn it. Now, that's not going to make it into my top-ten list of concerns at the moment, but it's like everything else about cancer - another needless cruelty, making the whole thing just a little worse. Life is already far too difficult, even if you don't look like a Bond villain. Even if I limp out of this nightmare, I do not want to start every introduction with, “Oh, yeah, a number of years ago, I survived an awful disease that should - statistically - have killed me. No, they didn't really cure me, this isn't the sort of disease that ever really goes away. I know that because I lived with it for fifteen years before it became dangerous.”

Side note, I believe I previously discussed the rationalization method where you make yourself feel better by comparing yourself to someone who's obviously worse off. All of my physicians tried to do this by comparing me to patients who were worse off - by comparing me to other patients with slightly worse forms of glioblastoma. I guess I should be grateful that I don't have the deadliest form of a deadly disease, but I still have a deadly disease (the same deadly disease as the other patients, in point of fact, just a slightly different breed). It's like pointing it out that the family in “The Shining” have it worse-off than the residents of Derry, Maine. It might be true, but is it too much to ask not to be in a Stephen King novel?

Now, there are way too many moving parts in this scheme for comfort (any Lex Luthor scheme is less convoluted). And there's still an almost-unacceptably high risk of permanent debilitation or death. And no one'll give me a solid prognosis (as Dad pointed out, I've outlived my own life expectancy so long, for so many times, that I'm completely off the charts). And I'm sure there will be at least one major insurance screw-up (there always is, the question is merely if it'll kill me or not). But, overall, I'm feeling 5-10% less terrified than yesterday (I'm still way beyond the normal human experience for fear, but I'm feeling very, very slightly better).

And that has me worried. With the kind of luck I've been having, even the smallest bit of luck has been completely and ridiculously overshadowed by a much greater misfortune. It's like winning $20 from a scratch-off lotto ticket, and finding a $75 parking ticket on your car. So I feel like I might be killed by an asteroid.