#like yes girl go and ostracize someone for no reason. what the fuck.

[juice-boxy]

Btw if you purposely go out of your way to make a new person feel like the outsider in your friend group, I hope something bad happens to you.

[tired-reader-writer]

Best female AoB character in your opinion?

Boy oh boy do I got Opinions™ about female characters in AoB!

So the thing is that if you plunked any given female character in front of me, my opinion is bound to be at least a little bit positive on some level. Yes, even Veronica. Yes, even Detlinde. Especially Detlinde. And many, many more.

So much so that I had a very difficult time narrowing things down to answer this ask— and unfortunately for y'all I thunk™ about it too much and was ultimately unable to narrow it down to one.

So we're getting: Charlotte, Detlinde, Hirschur, and Delia.

FOUR CHARACTERS, BABY. LET'S GO!

Charlotte

Charlotte is a very fascinating character, in my opinion. Generations' worth of grudges and torment and abuse, all crystalizing in this generation— crystalizing in her. Veronica's pain (because yes she did have a fucked up childhood, doesn't excuse any of her abuse but it does put it into perspective: it shaped her and she literally is passing the pain down) passing onto her children, Georgine's pain passing onto Sylvester, Sylvester's fears and Florencia's all reaching, reaching, reaching down until it got to her. Many people were affected by this chain reaction, undeniably, but in my opinion Charlotte is the point on the map where all these lines converge. Veronica took her brother and more than likely ostracized/abused Charlotte as she did Florencia. This made Florencia try to train her to be Aub. There must've been a touch of desperation in that choice. What does it do to a child, when they know they're being raised for a larger purpose? Their reason for existing? To know everything's laid on their shoulders? Sylvester on the flipside declared Wilfried as heir because he didn't want Charlotte to go through the pain his sister went through of being raised all her life to be Aub only to be snatched away, to be allowed to have a more hazard-free life in his eyes. But his approach, even as it stemmed from love (he loves, he loves so much, his love hurts, but this post ain't about him even as I regard him as an honorary girl bc he's hated as much as many other female characters seem to be but I digress), did not help as he is blind to what his children need (his love is deep as the ocean and twice as blind)— he projects onto Charlotte, and that… makes her feel small. Useless. Unworthy. What does it do to a child, to have your entire purpose be snatched from you? To be made to feel like your father does not see you as capable or worthy?

How do you deal with the weight of all these generational chains on your limbs?

How do you deal with the devastation of walls closing in on you?

Well, how do you?

Charlotte definitely has a complicated dynamic with her family members. Even Rozemyne. Especially Rozemyne. We'll… get to that in a bit.

Sylvester neglects her. I don't think that's up for debate. I am among his most ardent defenders (though it mostly stays in DMs since… I'm not convinced it would be received well) and I can freely say this. He neglects Charlotte. I don't think he dislikes Charlotte or prefers Wilfried or anything, but his way of expressing his love is undeniably detrimental to her well-being and antithetical to what she wants and needs. He's projecting his and Georgine's dynamic onto his children, and in trying to prevent animosity and bitterness he creates exactly that. In Charlotte's eyes, her father favors Wilfried way too much and neglects her, who has been desperate for someone, anyone, to acknowledge her.

Charlotte and Florencia as well, they have a fucked up dynamic. Florencia raised her to be pitted against Wilfried. What does that do to a child.

I understand why Florencia did it but it would've fucked Charlotte up!

She was raised for this purpose, by her mother, and said mother just stands by and lets it happen when her father takes her purpose away.

There's something fascinating to be found here. So much more fascinating than whatever AO3/Discord folk try to milk out of Rozemyne-Florencia. Charlotte's sense of obligation probably has a root somewhere in her younger years.

She's not even the center of the conversation when it comes to the subject of Sylvester's parenting. She isn't! She just isn't! Rozemyne is the focus 99% of the time!

He's neglecting her. EVERYONE is. She has nobody in her corner and yet she's expected to support everyone else.

Even though she might even resent Myne (for promising to support her and then Not Doing That) she wouldn't allow herself to feel/express it bc Myne risked her life to save hers.

The guilt! The sense of obligation/gratitude! The resentment!

I think she redirects a lot of what she might feel towards Myne onto Wilfried, a much less complicated recipient. But she still doesn't, can't, express it outwards because... well. Myne. For Myne's sake.

While Myne revels in her adoration, she doesn't care about Charlotte as a person. She has no true allies, her brother and father ignore her, and her sister looks at her without seeing her.

I keep remembering the fanbook tidbit of Charlotte being an ornament to Myne. She doesn't think Charlotte is capable of anything except looking cute and motivating her. If only the story and the fandom acknowledged that… but nope! She's just there to prop up Myne and bash Wilfried.

I don't quite think she's transmasc either. Yes, I know, I said the opposite before but it was me trying to fit in and figure out her character and after giving it much thought… her storyline deals with systemic misogyny, not gender dysphoria. She wants to be acknowledged for what she is, her capabilities, I don't think she's feeling any worse for being regarded as a girl in of itself— and I am of the opinion that it somewhat undersells her struggle and sweeps the misogyny she's facing under a rug via dressing it up with a queer headcanons. At the end of the day though, people are free to have any headcanon or opinion they so wish, and I have no authority over that. Also fyi I'm genderfluid in case someone accuses me of being transphobic.

All in all, I think she's such a fascinating character because she's the nexus at which all these lines all this hurt all this cumulative trauma from so many generations and so many directions converge into a white-hot light. Gabrielle, Leisengang, Veronica (look, she's a villain and I'll never excuse her for basically choking out an entire population, but I think she had a hard childhood that few acknowledge and more try to excuse and justify), Sylvester, Florencia, Georgine…

She had such potential. And what'd she get in canon and fics? Okay this is making me depressed let me move onto the next character on this list:

Detlinde

Ooooh boy, where do I even begin with Detlinde? She's my babygirl she's my blorbo she's everything. She is to me what Ferdinand is to the rest of the fandom. I will defend her every deed to my dying breath.

So I'll start by doing just that.

She's been neglected. Like, seriously. Do you think Georgine genuinely cares for her? Gieselfried? Do you think she has anyone who's truly on her side?

To take an excerpt from a fanbook (people regard them as like, gospel, right?):

Q: Lady Detlinde spins her wheels a lot during tea parties. Is she, by any chance, a bit thick?

A: She doesn't pay as much attention to her words and surroundings as someone her age and with her status probably should. She's not entirely to blame, though. As the third child of her duchy's third wife-and a girl, to boot-she had a half-hearted upbringing and was never expected to amount to much. That's why she's so proud about her mother becoming the first wife and why she always boasts about being Ahrensbach's next aub.

(Credits to @ming-sik for bringing me this fanbook quote, he actually read through the fanbooks at people's recommendation, so! Thank you!)

Children are always more perceptive than people think— they absolutely pick up on the fact that a particular adult doesn't really care or that they might hurt them, it's just that their defense mechanism kicks in to shield them from the fact since having your sole source of protection and guidance hate you is an earth-shattering revelation for a child to confront and acknowledge.

I've seen fics justify this neglect by saying even Georgine gave up on her because she was Just That Dumb or something like that. Which, even if you subscribe to that kind of narrative, it still doesn't make it not abuse. It still doesn't make it not neglect. No child should be abandoned simply because they did poorly in academics. Yes, this goes against AoB's (admittedly ableist) “if you're not of use then you deserve any bad thing that comes your way” theme, goes against YS's standards, but I am my own person with my fully formed morals and worldview, not a Yogurtlander with Yogurtlander morals, and I shall judge characters from my perspective.

(It is also in a similar vein that I dislike the notion that Charlotte's neglect is bad because she's more competent than Wilfried, no child under any circumstance deserves abuse or neglect, in my opinion.

People somehow stop registering abuse as abuse when it's happening to a character they don't like. Detlinde being drugged and likely assaulted is her fault and she's a whore. It's her fault she got discarded and neglected by her parents anyways. Wilfried deserves to be imprisoned in the Ivory Tower. They don't seem to think it's “real” abuse if the victim did something that “justifies” punitive narrative violence, it's just really unpleasant to see.)

With all that context in mind, I think this puts Detlinde's behavior into perspective. Being conveyed to, both explicitly and implicitly, that she is unlovable, she will never amount to anything, she's not wanted, she's not useful, all those things, she copes. She copes by loving herself because no one else would— though she spins it as “they just don't realize how awesome I am because they're too dumb for it”.

Remember what I said about children's defense mechanism kicking in to shield them from the fact since having your sole source of protection and guidance hate you is an earth-shattering revelation for a child to confront and acknowledge? Same principle here.

When people around her, all around her, constantly and routinely imply and convey that she's all these negative things, when they try to shoot down her ideas (you can't tell me her whirling dress and hair was bad, you haven't seen half the historical fashion in our world, the bling, the shine, the detail— any historical hairstyle, southeast asian headdresses of gold studded with gemstones, beetle wings intricately embroidered onto garments, the absolute flair, I find it hard to fault her for wanting something pretty, YS's fashion is so very bland), not listen to her, not guide her, all that, I think her narcissism is not only a predictable kind of trauma response/defense mechanism for her to develop but one could even argue it is virtuously defiant. Whereas Ferdinand chose to embody noble society ideals (don't try to tell me he's some deviant, he's just not), Detlinde stubbornly tries to maintain an ironclad grasp on what she feels is true to her.

I do not want to hear any of you come to tell me that Detlinde sucks, actually, because I've had to sit and watch as the entire fandom trashes on her and insults her and calls her a whore— if there's anything all three branches of the AoB fandom (reddit, discord, tumblr) agree on, it's that Detlinde deserves to be hated. I have had to live with y'all's vitriol all this time, don't bring this onto the sole post in the entire internet that sympathizes with her. Good? Good.

How am I to sympathize with a grown man over a fifteen-year-old girl who didn't even want the marriage in the first place? How am I to sympathize with a twenty-something man who is such a shitheel to her in every regard, manipulates her with the intention to have her dead eventually? She was so happy. She didn't want the marriage at first but she was so happy to have someone who seemed to appreciate her. Isn't that sad?

Detlinde is the Atlas holding up the sky of her entire self. No one else will do it for her, so she must. All alone.

She's such an interesting character to me. Too bad Kazuki hates girls/women and children and Detlinde is clearly written to be a shallow, hateable villain. And the fandom? Completely fell for that! Not a single soul besides @ming-sik and I refused to regard her as a fucking demon.

I love her because she's defiantly confident. A crystal flower in a collapsing cave. So dazzling, so beautiful because of it.

Uhhhhh how to end this section— okay let's do a quick-fire round of other shit I like about her:

She's pretty. Like super, super pretty. Shame people constantly give her shit for resembling Veronica.

She's funny. She's so fucking funny. Among the most amusing characters to me for sure.

HER BLING. I know people like to make fun of her fashion but! Her whirling fashion didn't even look bad to me! Also she has my single most favorite adult updo style. It's so elegant and pretty.

She's silly. I guess this also falls under the funny umbrella but she's such a silly goose I love her.

She's just a normal girl. She likes pretty things and plushies and is bad at school. She'd KILL it in a modern setting. I can so easily picture her at a cafe or an arcade. She wasn't born for YS she was meant to be somewhere happier!! Tragic!

She forces the AoB fandom to think about a woman at any cost. They can't get her out of their heads. So many fics exist just to bash her. Someone even made up OCs just so they could write more Detlinde bashing. Feminist queen.

Now to move onto another funny character who might have some surprising depth:

Hirschur

She's such a mood. She's my silly goose. She doesn't care about being proper or whatever. Stay unbound, queen.

Hirschur is so interesting (and endearing) to me because she isn't someone who gives a shit about societal conventions. She's quite un-noble-like for a noble lady. She's kind. She's eccentric. She would stand against the world for her students. The ones who have nowhere else to go. One would think Ferdinand would see her as his savior or a parental figure considering she did practically raise him (as he stayed in the RA all year long instead of going back home) and he just ghosts her as soon as he graduates. Hirschur takes in Raimund and Ferdinand has the audacity to get pissy about it. Dude. SHE'S JUST DOING AS SHE'S ALWAYS DONE.

She helps people! That's what she does! Hirschur spins it as for selfish reasons or bc of her whims but the truth is that she is just kind. I don't think it's a coincidence at all that both students she took under her wing as personal apprentices had no one else to turn to. She frames it as “picking out interesting/promising students” but the fact remains that she shields outcasts from the rest of the world. Heck, she tells Sylvester to keep not supporting her so that she isn't beholden to the archduke to choose who she's allowed to help! She! Doesn't give a shit! About politics!

Hirschur's isolation is way more compelling because she USES it to help people and clearly conflicts with noble expectations of faction politics. She ain't got no time for this faction politics nonsense she's got research to do and students to help!

She's actually eccentric too. She's actually an interesting freak. Her eccentricity puts her in a position where she doesn't really rely on people's approval of her or her choices. She does what she wants and if you get hissy and pissy about it then that's a you problem. She's willing to accept a massive drop in her resources (FOR research at that, she's fucking poor) because it means she doesn't have to isolate a kid with no other options.

It baffles me and honestly kinda irritates me that she's not appreciated enough, not by the characters, not by the fandom. Ppl make such a big deal about Ferdinand seeing parents go to hell and back for their children and it doing smth to him but... he's experienced that. He received that. Hirschur stood against the world for him. While he's having his pity party trying to cure Myne's amnesia, he only flashes back to his father Adelbert. Dude. STOP THINKING ABOUT THE SPERM DONOR THAT LET THE ABUSE HAPPEN, THINK ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT PROTECTED YOU. Like Ferdinand, what about all the other people in your life. There are so many people who love you, why do you not care???? In hindsight, him acting like a poor unfortunate abandoned soul in the temple is just insulting. He says all of “us” were abandoned to Myne but he wasn't abandoned. He's only in here because his brother is clumsily but genuinely trying to protect him and he ghosted his support network. Sylvester's attempt was misguided and he was trying to say “You're capable and I trust you and you have a place by my side, please stay by my side” by giving him work. He was trying to— okay I'll stop now this post isn't about Ferdinand and Sylvester it just makes me fucking mad the way Ferdinand acts. Ferdinand, my guy, you want family? WHAT ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT STOOD AGAINST THE WORLD TO MENTOR YOU?????????? Hirschur helped him well enough that he was happy and “having the time of his life” during his RA years. She worked so hard for that boy and for what.

She's just. Unappreciated.

But then again a female character having the fandom's attention might not be a good idea since somehow someone will eventually find a way to demonize her too.

Anyhow her eccentric brand of kindness is much more interesting and infinitely more compelling than Ferdinand's “hard-to-understand-kindness”. He isn't kind, he's just mean.

Hirschur never even told Ferdinand that Veronica was cutting her off for sheltering Ferdinand. Because that's the choice she made and she stands by it and that's not her student's problem. She probably didn't want him to feel guilty.

ALSO another disclaimer because I know this fandom too well: I will neither entertain nor respond to any commentary on this post that pertains to Ferdinand because I just know people are going to derail the entire conversation and center the discussion around justifying this golden boy on a post meant to spark a discussion about female characters that never get discussed at length. Do not comment or reblog saying Ferdinand isn't bad actually because blah blah blah reason. We have had to read y'all's extensive Ferdinand posting all this time. Everyone talks about Ferdinand and not about any of the female characters to the same extent. Keep that blue thing off this post. You can bear for things to not be about him for once. Okay? Okay.

Other reasons I like her:

She's funny. She's so funny. She's so entertaining.

She's adaptable and open-minded. When she saw Myne's PandaBus she went “oh! makes sense!” and immediately adapts it into something that makes sense to her. This is in contrast against Ferdinand who despite being a “genius innovator” only ever acts like a stick-in-the-mud-with-no-imagination.

I've said this before but she doesn't conform. She's proudly eccentric.

Everything people like about Ferdinand is actually true about Hirschur, in my opinion. Her kindness is disguised but she does have a heart of gold, she's ostracized and poor, she's a genius, she's unhinged and eccentric, she doesn't conform, she's even aro coded.

Again, do not try to defend Ferdinand on this post, we've had to live with people misinterpreting and bashing and insulting our faves (if they don't outright ignore them) all this time, I'm not even calling Ferdinand anything on the level of “whore” or “homewrecker”. Deal with it.

And now we move onto the next girl— last but not least is:

Delia

She's so tragic. Her entire situation is so tragic. How do people hate this girl I'm gonna cry.

First of all, she's a victim of grooming and manipulation— and she is a child. She is, what, eight years old? when she first appears.

Just wanted to establish that right off since I don't think even Myne sees her as a child.

She was being actively manipulated and used by the primary adult figures in her life, she views becoming a mistress as a good fate because at least she won't be starving and surrounded by death in the dark. She was “rescued” because she was pretty. Of course she'd cling onto that!

She doesn't understand what a “family” is because she's never had one and she was never raised with love. She asks Myne, “Are things like family really all that great? I never really understood what a family is.” and Myne replies “It's where I belong. It's the one place where I feel the most at ease.” and yeah! That's an honest and genuine answer! It gives Delia much to think about, and being raised in the Temple with no love… what else would she assume but “No matter how well I serve you, you'll end up leaving me anyway. Right, Sister Myne?”

This is a situation in which neither of them are at fault— Delia asked, so Myne answered honestly, and Delia… yeah. Why wouldn't she assume that. Why wouldn't she want to turn to the “certainty” she's familiar with, rather than give her heart to someone who'll leave her anyways? With Dirk she finally understands love, finally understands what family is, and she's so desperately terrified of losing this, the one unambiguously good thing in her life that doesn't have complicated stuff attached to it. Why wouldn't she try to protect it, protect him? Why wouldn't she want to be with him all throughout? And Ferdinand and Myne, they deliberately keep shit from her! They deceive her and make it seem like they're ripping her little brother from her for no reason, of course she feels cornered and threatened! And remember what I said about certainty vs the unknown? Thinking (well, knowing, really, because was she wrong at all?) Myne would leave her no matter what she does, thinking Myne would never trust or prioritize her (I mean, she didn't, Delia never got to exit the Temple w Myne like Fran and Gil did), and Bezewanst (the one who “saved” her) promises her that he'd not only find a better future for Dirk but also allow her to be with him? What's a young desperate child gonna do? Maybe if somebody had properly communicated with her, this wouldn't have happened.

And then she gets trapped in the place she feared anyways, never allowed to leave (she never got to leave the Temple in the first place).

And then her brother gets torn from her anyways.

They just trap her there forever. She never gets to be anywhere or go anywhere.

And I'm just… supposed to be fine with that?

Yeah, yeah, mercy, mercy, blah blah blah, I wish Myne would've planned for this to be temporary and not forever unto Delia's death. But nope! Myne never retracts her decision ever! Like hell Sylvester would've known what Delia's worst fear was, she could've just lied.

ANOTHER disclaimer: my god please do NOT come at me with justifications on why Delia's fate was fine and warranted, actually. I have seen fandom discussions and such justify it to hell and back and some even say Myne should've just let her die. If you're one of the people who think Delia deserved it, GO AWAY.

The way many people talk about her, if they talk about her at all, makes me think they genuinely do not recognize that her situation is fucked, that CSA and grooming are harmful at all. So there was once this fic I read. In the dedicated discussion space for that fic, both author and audience alike were like: “she's so dumb for wanting to be a mistress she doesn't know what reality is she just thinks it's easy glamorous work so we should traumatize her to teach her a lesson about reality but also to punish her for ‘having caused the attack on Myne in canon’ as well we're so smart” via making her watch a woman in labor. Which she of course got traumatized by.

Way to miss the point.

Way to miss the fucking point.

She's so desperate to be a mistress not because she thinks it's glamorous work but because she's terrified of being trapped in a place that neglected and starved her! It's a desperation for survival! It's a trauma response! Gods above, people are incapable of sympathizing with children (especially if they're girls) in this fandom and series.

Delia is… well. She's such a tragic character. Her wanting desperately to be saved from something that she also thinks is completely normal is… it's interesting. It's heartbreaking. I must sound like a broken record by now. Her upbringing and trauma actually informs the actions she takes, and she gets to have an effect on other characters! Her choices aren't without consequence, and that makes her interesting unlike a certain blue someone whose dickishness doesn't affect anything negatively ever. People in this fandom act as though trauma and its effects are only limited to affect dumb people. (A la someone saying trauma can't be the root of a certain character's dickishness bc it's “too sentimental” for that character, ignoring how trauma is illogical and affects you in ways you might not even notice). People insinuate she's dumb and had it coming. It's just so exhausting and disheartening to see. Thankfully, tumblr folk don't talk like that, because they don't talk about her at all. Nor about any other female character to the extent everyone talks about Ferdinand. I swear to god he's the only thing anyone ever talks about.

So yeah! Four female characters I find most compelling. Probably not anyone's pick, except Charlotte though she isn't talked about and explored in-depth to the same extent as a certain other character is. She just gets mentioned as being better than Wilfried and it's all done, no need to talk about everything else about her. I hope this post was able to give a new perspective to people who might not have considered thinking this much about these characters! Pretty please do keep negativity about them off this post, I do not need to know you want to put twenty bullets through Detlinde's body or whatever.

[charmixpower]

Do you think Musa tends to be clingy and how does Riven reacts?

Yes to the first one and um that second one requires some explaining

The short answer is that he likes it

On to the rambling

Listen both Riven and Musa have hella attachment and abandonment issues. Both Musa and Riven actively try to push people away or try to seem cool and scary to get people to leave them alone

Musa rebuffs Stella's friendship attempts in s1 like it was her personal mission, and we all know what Riven was like

Like Musa's mother died, which was not good for her mental health, but what really fucked her over was her dad's immediate reaction and withdrawal from her personal life as he was still working most of the day. It gave her the idea that people aren't reliable, being the source of both her attachment and abandonment issues. Unfortunately due to her dad being up to his eyelids in grief his care of Musa was inconsistent, leading to more attachment issues

For Riven it's fairly simple. His mom straight up walked out on his family, and his brother and father weren't much better people than her. He has hella abandonment and attachment issues

Now, the thing about attachment and abandonment issues is that most people with them will start withdrawn (See: Musa never offers her thoughts about missions in s1, Riven actively pushes everyone away constantly in s1), and then they become the most clingy mother fuckers to ever grace a relationship (See: Musa acting like Riven and her were already dating in s2, and just s3 and general)

Source: me and all of my friends <3

The thing is both Riven and Musa are fucking clingy as hell which makes them both less clingy

Which doesn't make sense unless you have these issues yourself so allow me to explain

When you have these issues you have a hard time becoming close to people, you're scared to let people in, and you're not used to having a relationship, so when you do finally find someone you want to be close with, it's an immediate panic to keep them from abandoning you. Which is mostly looking for reasons they would abandon you, and getting sad and jealous over really normal things

(The jealous is mostly a fear of replacement, I have that one bad and so does Riven. I think Musa has that one too but it's not caused by her family, if her "I'm not like other girls" behavior has a cause like it did for most people I know. Which is from ostracization)

The thing is you don't really believe anyone could love you as much as you love them, and no one is ever as loyal as you. How could they be? Everyone else has abandoned you when you were just trying your best. This, unsurprisingly either causes apathy or just more clinginess. Maybe if I try a little harder it will all be ok, god I love that song

Anyways, the fun thing about being clingy so someone doesn't leave you and being jealous because you've been replaced before it can happen again, is that when someone shows the same behaviors it's like....oh, you care as much as me and you're afraid of the same thing. I don't need to be afraid with you because your like me

AND THATS WHATS GOING ON THERE

So Musa's clinginess is at it's worse in s2 because there in this weird in-between stage and Riven is just wayyy to in his own head about Darcy trauma to be in a relationship rn. So she's at her most terrified that he'll leave her. While Riven, for once in his life, isn't scared that he'll be abandoned. Look at what Musa is doing! Those aren't the actions of someone who's planning on finding someone better and never talking to him again! Musa's clinginess makes Riven feel safe in the relationship, for once he doesn't think it's just going to disappear one day

Anyways Riven (clinically) dies for Musa, she has like 3 separate mental breakdowns, and he wakes up. They're dating now!

She begins to be super clingy at him (tho not as clingy as before bc he was willing to die for her and that has to mean he's less likely to abandon her right? Yes, yes it does bby) and Riven like does not mind at all for the above reasons, which makes her feel safe and comfortable, like her fear and affection isn't going to be punished for existing. Which is good for her

Now because Riven is comfortable he is going to be saying shit like "you're stuck with me forever", "you can't get rid of me now", and talking about future plans. Idk if other people find this cute but this is how people with abandonment issues express affection when they feel safe soo, yeah. Musa eventually asks about this, Riven explains that, yes, he is equally obsessed with her as she is with him. He just doesn't openly express it as much because he feels secure in their relationship. This realization makes Musa feel secure in their relationship and she just stops being as clingy. Like she still really really likes attention, but she's not as clingy anymore. Because she isn't scared—you get it

They've hit this equilibrium where their issues kind of cancel each other out because of course they're not going to abandon each other! Look at how fucking attached to each other they are! No one puts this much effort in just to leave. So they're just chilling

This right here is why I love Rivusa, when two people with hella issues find safety and security. I cri every time

[ratchet-serperior]

I have some Thoughts. Yes this is related to current drama, no I will not give more context on what or why. I also wholly intend for this to stay to myself, so no tags today for all of my zero followers.

I don't use Twitter. This little hellsite and another, redder hellsite are the only social media platforms I use. I do not care about drama. In fact, I hate getting involved in drama. So, more often than not, I just ignore it until it goes away.

I used to be fully on board with the idea of socially ostracizing someone if they did something fucked up. Find out that JonTron is racist, yeah let's boycott his videos. Find out that JK Rowling is... JK Rowling... Yeah, we shouldn't accept that kind of behaviour. But, the more I see these things happening, the more I see calls to cancel someone (or more likely, see posts saying that someone has already been cancelled), the less I believe in the idea, for one simple reason.

The Twitter mobs are usually just wrong.

This has long been known about social media, but there's not a lot of room for nuance. On Twitter, you have only a certain number of characters to use. On other platforms, you see a post and can take it in isolation, not able to or simply not needing to understand the context surrounding them. This becomes a problem when a large group of people rush to cancel someone for doing a Bad Thing. Hell, all I know about the JonTron thing is that he said a racist thing at some point. I don't know what he said, in what context, or if he ever said anything like it again. But, for me several years ago, it was all I needed to instantly decide that he was a terrible person and I should hate him and all that he does.

Then, as more people I follow got cancelled, I was less and less involved in the effort. When the drama surrounding ProJared came out some years ago, I was on board at first, then kinda just stopped caring. Then, he came back after the flames had died down a bit, and explained what was going on. Some accusations were outright lies, and others were misunderstandings or exaggerations made through the social game of telephone online. Overall, maybe he did fuck up, but in a completely human, understandable way.

Another that I remember vividly was ZeRo. He had these accusations of sexting underage girls which essentially pushed him away from social media entirely. He even came out and admitted it, right? So cancelling him worked! Well, no. A long while later, he came back to YouTube and admitted that, after the mobs got to him, he decided to admit to it, and then kill himself. He thought it would be easier that way on everyone involved, because he knew that not only was he being cancelled, but everyone associated with him was feeling the backlash. He thought that if he took the fall, those around him would be spared from the negative association.

And, I mean... Can we talk about how massively fucked up that is? Even if the accusations were true (which they weren't), can we recognize that driving someone to suicide for that is a massively deranged thing to do? I can't imagine being in that situation. Because yeah, I've fucked up before. I've even had some major fuck ups that would have probably gotten me cancelled, if I were in any sort of public sphere. I know it, I learned from it, and I can move on from it.

So yeah, forgive me if I don't care about the latest youtuber drama, celebrity drama, whatever. Forgive me for not immediately raising pitchforks and torches to burn down their homes for supposedly doing a bad thing. And don't get me wrong here- BAD THINGS ARE STILL BAD. And they should be punished. But the mob justice of the internet and social media on these people is far too extreme, and in my experience, is usually wrong anyway.

[muertawrites]

Can I just say I HATE when fic with the innocent/girly/popular/cheerleader/good girl reader has a secret relationship or secretly fucks Eddie?

I HATE this kind of oh it’s a secret and that’s what makes it hot, and Eddie being like it’s so hot seeing you being so pathetic for the FREAK and NO ONE KNOWS

Girl stfu, I DESPISE THIS SO MUCHJH. I get why canonically Eddie is ostracized and a lot of people who write this type of thing are no better than the people who think lesser of him.

Yes. Eddie embraces his freak status but there’s obviously resentment there. When he says “hunt the FREAK, right?” To Robin you can hear the disgust and distaste and the look in his face. Yes people treat him that way but that doesn’t mean he’d enjoy it? Why would he enjoy being ostracized for his interests? He made hellfire so people like him won’t feel alone and so he wouldn’t.

I think if he was interested in someone I think he would be upset and heartbroken if they wanted to fuck and date him in secret because of his status. Why would he want to be with someone who’s ashamed of him…

omfg yes. this whole... the thought of that breaks my heart.

and i'll be honest. i love when a relationship is a little sneaky. but it's like... a kink. i'm not gonna avoid the person i'm smitten over in public for fear of what other people think.

having sex while hanging out with friends and getting off on the fact that they don't know? hot. sneaking into my bedroom to stay the night despite the fact that we're both adults? please do. meeting up at a hotel at a weird hour for a little hanky panky? bad boy be my man (let's see how many cascada jokes i can fit into this one blog)

but straight up denying a relationship??? no. that's... no. i do get embarrassed talking about romantic interests with family but with friends i will not shut up about that person. if they don't like it just for the fact that "his interests are kinda weird" go fuck yourself. that's my man. that's my baby. only i get to make fun of him bc i do it out of love.

and oh yeah. as someone who was bullied for similar reasons eddie is definitely deeply hurt over the fact that he's ostracized for simply being who he is. there's no way he couldn't be.

corruption kink i can totally see. i'm even a little bit into it.

but he wouldn't stand for being treated like a dirty little secret. he's too good for that.

[variousqueerthings]

Daniel LaRusso: A Queer Feminine Fairytale Analysis Part Three of Three

(another massive, massive thank you to @mimsyaf​ )

part 1

part 2

8. Queerness and femininity and masculinity and the colour red and *record breaks*

If we spin the record aaalll the way back to this paragraph: “…looking at what it is girls and women in fairytales have/don’t have, what they want, and how they’re going to get it. It’s about power (lack of), sexuality (repressed, then liberated), and men.” Reading Daniel as a repressed, bisexual boy in a society that doesn’t accept his desires it’s interesting looking at how he moves through the world of the Miyagi-verse, at how threatened other men are by him, at how obsessed they are with him.

He’s out in the symbolic woods and these large boys and men see him and decide for whatever plot reasons to come for him. And they are large and violent and attractive and apart from Johnny again, they don’t have the nebulous excuse of fighting over a girl and even that excuse dies by around the midpoint when Johnny kisses Ali just to get a rise out of Daniel. He’s not trying to “win her back,” he’s not even really looking at her. He’s just trying to get a reaction. They don’t have any of the fighters in Rocky’s excuse either of Daniel being a macho opponent. 

You can read whatever subtext into TKK1 and TKK2 (which becomes especially tempting once CK confirmed that the guys he fought at seventeen have been thinking about him ever since – for thirty-five years), but TKK3 is where it’s really At in terms of obsession and lust and forbidden desires.

Silver is presented as both a handsome prince who saves Daniel and mentors him (where Miyagi is undoubtedly cast in a fatherhood role) and later on becomes twisted into a dark secret that Daniel has to keep, while he turns that thing that Daniel loves (karate, it’s… it’s karate… it’s also men, but it’s definitely karate, because karate makes him feel… things...) into an abusive, violent version of itself.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

But he’s also offering him something liberating. Whatever is going on in that nightclub scene is about something other than breaking Daniel down. Even the bloodied knuckles aren’t just about revenge. It’s about giving him something that he isn’t, in the end, willing to receive, at least not from Silver. In that roundabout, strange way of these feminine fairytales, it’s exploring hidden desires through the metaphor of karate.

Daniel wears red because it’s his colour. In the movies he wears red a lot. Often in scenes with violence in them (the beach/the hilltop in TKK1 and the date/the destruction of the dojo/the final fight in TKK2), but he also has a variety of shirts (and in TKK3 pants) that pop up all the way through the narrative. He wears a red jacket when he accepts Terry’s training, when he punches a guy in the face, and when he tries to get out of the training again (as badly as that goes).

Did anyone consciously think about red’s link to desire, obsession, and violence when they made these? Eh. But is it there symbolically? When he meets Johnny, when he fights Chozen, when he’s in emotionally fraught situations with Terry? Hell yeah.

Probably the most lust-and-violence infused red is that aforementioned punching-board-until-knuckles-bleed bit – not that I thought Terry was going to pull him in for a kiss, because I knew, logically, of course he wouldn’t right? There’s no way… is there? Or later on when Daniel punches that guy and ends up with blood all over his shirt and Terry once more grasps him, euphorically. Blood is violence. Blood is also desire. Red is Daniel’s colour, even though he doesn’t acknowledge it come Cobra Kai. (Maybe he just needs someone else - cough Johnny Lawrence cough - to inspire it in him again).

Daniel LaRusso’s narrative is exploring that most feminine of fairytale tropes: To want and be wanted by monsters and having to hide those desires.

“Maybe this time that strange churning in my stomach that feels like a mix of anticipation and fear will turn out good for me.” - Daniel’s mind.

At the end of the story, Daniel saves himself, with all of the strange mixed narratives around it, and the acknowledgement that the end of The Karate Kid Part Three isn’t satisfying and its aftermath will likely be delved into in the next season of Cobra Kai.

Nevertheless, he saves himself. Not from Silver or Kreese or Barnes, and not entirely, but he makes a decision not to give in to fear (and he continues to try and live by that decision, making it over and over again for the next thirty-five years, even when the return of Cobra Kai makes that difficult for him). 

He doesn’t do it by being the strongest in the land or even through a lucky shot (although that too). He does it by refusing to be like the male antagonists that surround him, by telling them they have no power over him. The narrative isn’t just his getting lost in the forest and all the monsters he finds there, it’s about how he redefines power for himself within that forest. 

He’s a man who isn’t violent, whose victories include helping out a girl whose ex-boyfriend just broke her radio, successfully doing the moves to a cultural dance he’s trying to learn, sitting with his father figure while he cries over the death of his own father, telling a girl that she’s just made her first friend, and breathing a sigh of relief that a tree that got broken has healed. 

Daniel LaRusso is a good boy is the point!

Karate is a metaphor. It can turn into many things: A series of lessons learned about how to be his own man and take care of his own house, a respect for the history of the father teaching him and sharing his home and story with him, fear, desire, masculinity (and the different forms that can take). 

When a tall, handsome stranger offers to teach him karate in the dark, without Daniel’s caretaker knowing how to help him, and twists that karate into something that hurts him - when he reclaims that, over and over, that means something too. 

This man is fine and definitely isn’t carrying the weight of buried karate-based queer trauma - could a traumatised man do this? *stares blankly at a former tormentor as blood runs down his forehead*

9. In Conclusion Daniel Has Kissed Dudes… Symbolically… But We Can HC Literally:

So there’s Daniel and his coded feminine fairytale narrative. It’s all a series of fun coincidences.

1. Ralph Macchio is just Like That

2. Red. All the red. 

3. large portion of his storyline is about lack of power. Yes, he regains that power by the end of the first and second movie through A Fight, but generally he is framed as powerless opposite these almost monstrously physically powerful boys/men. And in the third one it’s barely even about physical prowess (he’d still lose a real fight against Barnes or Silver) and more about regaining lost autonomy off the back of a manipulative, abusive relationship with an older guy.

4. The third movie in particular is narratively a mess, but if reimagined as a fairytale makes a lot of sense (because it’s secretly all about how karate is bisexuality and Daniel gets manipulated through that desire to be better at karate).

5. Queerness and femininity and themes about hidden desires that can only be approached sideways through couching those desires in symbolism: Handshake meme.

6. The fact that the more I think about it, the more feral I am for a Labyrinth AU.

7. To sum up over 5000 words of text: The inherent homoeroticism of wanting to be slammed against a locker by a bully, but extended over three movies and ever-more inventive ways of hurting pretty-boy-Daniel-LaRusso.

Johnny’s not going to be happy when he realises Daniel’s got other ex-rivals buried in his closet...

10. Some Other Stuff Aka The Laziest Referencing I’ll Ever Do

Further reading on trans Matrix

Further reading on masculinity and rape narrative in The Rape Of James Bond

Youtube Video from Pop Culture Detective (Sexual Assault Of Men Played For Laughs)

Some film/TV references in this: Dracula (Coppola), Princess Bride, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Labyrinth, The Matrix, Rocky, Princess And The Frog, Cinderella, Enchanted, Shape Of Water, Swamp Thing, Phantom of the Opera 

Some fairytale references: Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, The Wolf And The Seven Little Kids, Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Company of Wolves (Angela Carter), Through the Looking Glass, Princess Bride

Also referenced is Alison Bechdel’s graphic novel and the subsequent musical Funhome. Further thoughts on this by @thehours2002​ and @jenpsaki​:

https://thehours2002.tumblr.com/post/650033577171533824/daniel-larusso-and-fun-home-click-to-enlarge

https://jenpsaki.tumblr.com/post/650530225997971456/cobra-kai-fun-home-inspired-by-goldstargirls

My list of Cobra Kai meta posts

I wanted to delve into fairytale movies more, but then I was like “fuck, I have actual work to do,” but I was interested in the ways male and female characters are written in these stories:

The Last Unicorn, The Never-Ending Story, The Dark Crystal, Legend, and Stardust.

The Last Unicorn is an interesting one because she’s not really human, until she is. It’s more like The Little Mermaid (the fairytale, not the Disney film) in tone, and of course there’s a pretty substantiated rumour that Andersen wrote that one as a metaphor for falling in love with another man (who eventually got married). 

Andersen in general is just fun to analyse as someone who popularized so many fairytales and exists as an ambiguously queer historical figure – might’ve been modern-day gay, bi, ace, but we’re just not sure. All your favourite fairytales can be read through the lens of queer loneliness and ostracization. Just like horror.

Anyway I didn’t go into the whole Little-Mermaid-Last-Unicorn transformation bit so much as the Monstrous-Desires bit, but I think there could be something to that too, with monsters representing otherhood and all. Stardust is a kinda-almost-this, except she sticks to her human form and all is okey-dokey by the end, she’s allowed to marry the handsome man and be a star.

The Never-Ending Story has Atreyu and Bastian and because of a lack of female characters, an interesting bond between the two of them, but mainly Atreyu is absolutely a go-gettem Hero Type and it’s just interesting to see how Bastian relates to him as both an audience insert, but also eventually as his own character in that world.

The Dark Crystal contains certain… androgynous elements of feminine and masculine coded characteristics in the main character because of how he’s not human, but also they do have a “female” version of his species that he needs to go save (and bring back to life) by the end, so in a way it’s both more and less heteronormative in its characters.

Legend sees another example of a monster (literally called Darkness and looking like a traditional devil) trying to seduce a princess through promises of power, and she “goes along with it” in order to trick him and succeeds in that trick, but is ultimately saved by the male lead. 

In conclusion: I don’t even have Shrek in this.

[teatitty]

*rolls up sleeves* As you wish! This is a long one though, so buckle up! ☆

So, in Lostbelt 6 we finally got Beryl's backstory. And it was every bit as awful as a lot of people had been surmising, if not worse. He did horrible things to Mash, and the worst part of all is it was justified in his mind through his "love" for her. But the crowning jewel of it all was it being confirmed that when Roman booted Beryl from Mash's room during the infamous "sneaking in incident" itself, he didn't do it kindly. It was also implied pretty strongly that not only was he not calm about throwing Beryl out, but that it was a miracle that Beryl walked away from the experience at all. This fits nicely with the "Romani is super protective of the people he cares about, almost to a fault, and can be absolutely vicious about it if pushed hard enough" vibe, which is cool. Very validating to see the doc getting to be more three-dimensional as a character. But we also know Roman is suuuper hard on himself, and tends to earnestly gather the opinions of others to assess who he is as a person. So I'd imagine he'd be a little out of sorts following such a huge event, especially since there's part of him that knows if he still had his clairvoyance, he could have prevented the entire thing from happening at all. But he's still a bit green as a normal human, and so not very good at hiding his emotions, and the turbulence he's feeling towards Beryl and himself and everything else is written aaalll over his face. And between the blaze in his eyes and the rumors spreading around Chaldea like wildfire, a lot of people start to... steer clear of him. Cautionary whispers start to circulate that it's best not to anger the Director's favorite doctor, that he's secretly a loose canon just waiting to unload on the next unfortunate soul to give him a chance. No one could be that sincere anyway, they reason, so it makes sense that Roman's bubbly facade was hiding something nasty beneath it. And Roman's seen this behavior before. The whispering, the distance, all of it. Being the King of Mages illicited similar reactions, after all, and he was no stranger to being, well, a stranger. So he settles in to the notion of a second life of isolation, and draws back from the people around him. It was only a matter of time before the jig was up anyway.

At least, that's what he was thinking before he was startled halfway back to the Throne by the resounding clink of a coffee cup being set down beside him. The clang was loud enough that the whole cafeteria came to a halt, the spotlight suddenly placed securely on the secluded little corner Romani had been brooding in, and truthfully he was half-afraid to look for fear that the empty cup of his own he'd been ignoring had shattered on its own. That was honestly the last thing he needed right now, more evidence that he was frothing at the mouth, right? But then a laugh like bells reached his ears, and he turned to see Leo standing there with the warmest, softest look he'd ever seen her wear. She looked angelic, absolutely ethereal, and the slight crease at her eyes seemed to say "it's all going to be okay now." Naturally, he blinked and it was gone, and with perfect timing Leonardo had slid into one of the seats opposed to him with a flourish, loudly proclaiming to the shock of the onlookers that it was near criminal to mope in the presence of a genius, especially one who'd brought coffee to share. Beside himself, Romani could only gawk, blinking owlishly at the Heroic Spirit who, up until this point, seemed to only regard him with frustration and mild annoyance at best. But if Da Vinci recollected such experiences, she didn't show it, her gaze instead regarding him as if they were the oldest of friends before sweeping around challengingly across her audience, daring them to speak against her judgement. And though it was a bit awkward at first, it was... nice to have someone to talk to, Roman thought. (Even someone who liked coffee with not nearly enough sugar in it).

Of course, that was hardly the end of it. And when the rumors spread to Leo, hissed in secret by concerned staff, suddenly people find that green wasn't quite so scary a color as blue. She listens to the stir with a smile sharp as the talons drumming idly on the table in front of her, and the look in her dazzling doe eyes threatens them to give her every last detail they know. The picture of poise, her champagne tone is so thick with murder you could paint with it, and yet crafted so artfully it leaves the gossipers wondering if they've hallucinated the malicious aura around them or not. But a genius knows the value of patience when weaving a trap, and so she waits, and she waits, and she waits. She provides polite insight, little nods that she was paying attention, and little else, little more. Just a friendly conversation.... until the gossipers have so thoroughly locked themselves in with lies it's almost too easy to obliterate them in their tracks.

You see, what nobody knew was that Leo was there when Roman through Beryl out, her instincts as a high ranking Heroic Spirit tipping her off to the sudden tidal wave of of mana coming from Mash's quarters in the medbay. She saw it all, from start to bloody finish, her presence missed among the commotion, and where others had found something to fear, Leo had felt the stir of an emotion far more ginger. How many times in her natural life had she wished for someone to protect her from the evils of the world like that? How many times had she wished in her cell for someone to sweep in and decimate the people who'd wronged her like that? Broader still, how many times had she borne witness to someone shaking their head sadly, or lamenting because yet another little girl had fallen prey to a predator who wielded too much power to ever be stopped? And yet here was this strange little pushover of a man, completely obliterating one of the Director's prized A-Team members to protect a little girl many had considered a pet project at most. She couldn't be sure about a lot of what she saw— mainly the mana where there should be none, or the strange, golden glint to Roman's eyes. But she knew she had witnessed something done in pure altruism, and that there was one less innocent who went undefended because of it. Leo was also quite used to being ostracized to various degrees herself, not that she took it personally of course! (aha...) Being such an eccentric, beautiful, charismatic, talented genius was a tough existence, after all! Not many could keep up with her, and insecure people get so mean sometimes. (Not to mention that it was even tougher when she was still back in Italy, and often twice as lonely.) So, seeing as she is also so very compassionate and wise, she simply could not allow the same fate to happen to Roman! Especially not over something like this! It was only right to rescue him from infinite exile. Anyone with a conscience would have done the same!

(But oh, if only she'd known how he'd rescue her too, and how preciously love could bloom, even in the arctic, even at the end of the world.)

GRIPS YOU TIGHTLY

ANON WE ARE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH WITH THESE TWO, YOU UNDERSTAND WHY ME AND LYRE WERE ROMAVINCI STANS THE FIRST TIME WE SAW THEM TOGETHER, THEY ARE M A R R I E D BUT EVEN OUTSIDE OF THAT YES YES YES TO ALL OF THIS BEAUTIFUL META ON THEIR CHARACTERS AND HOW THEY INTERACT WITH PEOPLE AND ALSO FUCK BERYL LIVES ACTUALLY LMAOOO

[sopeverse]

check in tag ✨

tagged by @ressjeon, @ddaechwita, @joonsgalore, @jinned, @hwaven and @joonni - omg i’m so late to this but thank you all for tagging me and being so sexy all the time mwah

why did you choose your url?

sill a mystery to me tbh cause i’m in no way taegi biased (your girl has been sope biased since the og days) but it’s still iconic and looks so satisfying to read? also my last one was cringe af, whoever let 15 year old danni near tumblr needs ostracized

do you have any sideblogs? if so what’s the url(s) and why do you have them?

yes!! @seungisms is my only existing sideblog at the moment, just cause i wanted to show my love to my eight husbands of stray kids (look at me trying not to be seungmin biased for once)

how long have you been on tumblr?

the earliest post i can find on this blog is from 2016 so we’ll go with that ig

do you have a queue tag?

yes! i rarely use it though cause going back and fixing tags is a pain but it’s ‘queue ���’

why did you start your blog in the first place?

at first it was just to show appreciation and support to writers and creators alike but then i got inspired and decided to write my own and look at us now sluts

why did you choose your icon?

let’s all put an ‘f’ in the chat for the lisa icon, she’ll be missed but not forgotten 😔 tbh i just wanted an icon that fit a little with my theme and saw this hoseok one aND HE LOOKS SO CUTE, HOW FUCKING DARE HE BE THIS BEAUTIFUL GRR BARK

why did you choose your header?

cause miss chelle over at @ddaechwita made it for me and everything her pretty little head puts it’s mind to comes out amazingly *chefs kiss* and she even made it sope themed for me which i’m so extremely miserable over and even more miserable over the fact it’s from their season greetings package 🥺 they look 🥺 *sniffles* 🥺 so pretty 🥺 also the colour is so pretty and this is probably the longest i’ve ever stuck to the same header - it’s not going anywhere soon!!

what’s your post with the most notes?

there’s 100% a shitpost i made years ago that has like 15k+ notes but i’m too lazy to dig it up from the realms of hell so let’s just say it’s my masterlist (*psst* you should check it out if you wanna 😽)

how many mutuals do you have?

over 300 - i have a lot of mutuals from different fandoms + mutlis and my dash is a little bit of a mess but i wouldn’t have it any other way cause y’all are smexy

how many followers do you have?

the only reason i’m sharing this is cause i recently hit a milestone and posted about it already so as of now i have 12,158 🥰

how many people do you follow?

371 but as i said before the majority are mutuals then the rest are sims 4 cc 🤡

have you ever made a shitpost?

bro this whole blog is a shitpost! honestly, i’ve made several and idk why y’all like them so much but i’ll keep them coming ig

how often do you use tumblr per day?

in my prime probably around 3-4 hours a day which is *yikes* but i’ve cut down a ton recently to the point where i’ll go several days without even logging in

did you have a fight/confrontation with a blog once? who won?

not a fight but i’ve defiantly had a disagreement with *ahem* someone within this fandom which shall not be named - no one won and i have her blocked and we’re both thriving in our own ways so let’s not bring this up again <3

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

honestly, as long as the post and wording doesn’t come off as passive aggressive then idc - as a content creator i understand how important it is to reblog stuff so i can see the point most of those posts are trying to make

do you like tag games?

yes, so much!! even though i’m always so late/forget them

which of your mutuals is tumblr famous?

lmao tumblr fame doesn’t exist, next question

do you have a crush on a mutual?

i’m already married to my love chelle so we’ve already went past the stage of crushes 😽 but i also have a tumblr crush on @yanseungs, @honeydh and @http-seung yOU ALL ARE SO CUTE AND ILU MORE THAN I CAN COMPREHEND

tagging: @taegularities, @chateautae, @artaefact, @xiaokoo, @lovetrivia, @bratkook, @taemaknae - sorry if you’ve already did this, love you all lots and know i’m hearing supporting you!! 🤍✨

[friendofhayley]

I’m back after my hiatus from fanfiction, to give y’all the best multifandom recs of the fics I read this month. Shoutout to all content creators who helped us live to see the close of this year. This fic includes 15 fics for Sterek, Larry, Winteriron, and Geraskier. The starred ones put me through heaven and hell *chef’s kiss*.

Sterek (Teen Wolf)

1. Six Letter Word for Romance by @troubleiwant | domestic kink - omg there’s only one bed - soft Derek - oblivious idiots in love - 6k

Stiles definitely starts off thinking it’s fucking hilarious that Derek-sourwolf-Hale does crosswords and cares about scuffs on his furniture.

But at a certain point, and he can’t pinpoint exactly when, “fully functional adult couple” somehow becomes a massive fetish of his. Derek in sweats and bare feet, nudging his glasses up his nose while he does the Sunday crossword? Unff. Derek filling out forms to get some renovations on his property approved? Oh God, yes. Derek putting away groceries and bitching that the corner store was out of the right type of Greek yogurt? Take me now, Stiles thinks, worrying at his lower lip with his teeth.

This can’t be normal.

2. *Dirty Little Secret* by @isthatbloodonhisshirt | Cora & Stiles bffs - no one can resist the Stilinski charm - celebrity Derek - human au - 91k

“Holy shit, this is a date!” he blurted out, turning back to Derek wide-eyed. “This is a date! You intended for this to be a date, this was supposed to be a date!” He figured if he said it enough times, maybe he would believe it, but so far, no dice.

Derek was scowling again—seriously, did he want wrinkles?—but he just reached into one of the bags and pulled out a burger, checking what was written on the foil in sharpie before handing it over to Stiles.

“Of course it’s a date, what did you think this was?”

3. Can You Feel A Whole New Part of Your World? by @isthatbloodonhisshirt | i genuinely don’t look at authors names i just click i am sorry for spamming you but you write too good - neighbors Sterek - emotionally mature Stiles - the ideal fluffy world you’d want to live in - 53k

Can you hear me singing in the shower?” Stiles blurted out, because he had to know, now. If one of his neighbours had slid that note under his door, then it meant Parrish as another neighbour could hear him, too! He had to know if this was all a huge joke and one person had walked by and overheard him and decided to fuck with him.

Parrish gave him a weird look at the question, but answered anyway, making Stiles’ plans to leave the country speed up in his mind.

“Of course I can. You’re actually not bad. Though you have been singing a lot of Frozen lately, getting kind of tired of the soundtrack.”

4. Theory of Overprotective Canines by @petals42 | derek can turn into wolf - oblivious Stiles - future fic - mutual pining - 11k

Stiles is totally looking forward to living alone in his super cool apartment off-campus. He is. He is also very excited to bike to school every day, ready to set up an awesome game room, and definitely over his crush on Derek Hale. Completely over it.

Or at least he is until Derek decides he's moving in with him. And then turns out to be the perfect roommate. And then starts attending all his classes. As a wolf.

This is not going according to plan.

Larry (One Direction)

5. **The Changer and the Changed** by @homosociallyyours | literally the best fic of all time i want to live in there - girl direction - NYC ‘70s au - trans Zayn - the girls are so lovely - 59k

It’s the spring of 1977 and Harry Styles has just moved to New York City after graduating college. She knows she’s a lesbian. She just needs to figure out how to meet other lesbians.

Louis Tomlinson works at a popular women’s bookstore in the Lower East Side, Womon’s Direction, where she spends her days reading feminist literature, writing poetry, exchanging friendly barbs with her boss Niall, and dreaming of finding someone to love.

When Harry and Louis meet, their connection is instantaneous. Slowly but surely, Louis welcomes Harry into her community of women. Stonewall veteran and old school butch Niall; Liam, a land dyke who’s moved to the city for love; and Zayn, a lesbian musician who’s been ostracized by a vocal part of women’s community for being trans, welcome Harry with open arms, ready to help her find her place in New York City’s bustling lesbian scene.

6. others i’ve seen might never be mean (but they would never do) by @cherrylouvol6 | aaaaaaaa it’s lesbian When Harry Met Sally !!! - rom com - girl direction - coming out and first times - really great sex - 20k

Louis sighs.

“Do you remember what I said to you the first time we met?”

“That I’m naive and neurotic and would be hard pressed to ever find someone who could put up with me?” Harry snaps.

7. some things fade (some never do) by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed | aaaaaa this story took me apart and back together again just like Louis and Harry - urban fantasy au - second chances - exes to friends to lovers - hurt/comfort - 25k

Matching tattoos. He’d never thought he’d be the type for tattoos to begin with, let alone matching or magical ones, but once Harry had put the idea in his mind it had never quite managed to disappear. And it had made sense. With their relationship a long distance one, this was simply another way of feeling close to one another. Of knowing where the other was, how they felt. It had made so much sense.

Back then.

8. we can take the long way home by @eleadore | i usually don’t rec my porn but there’s so much feels in this one - canon-divergent - kink discovery - friends to lovers - this was written in 2015 as a future fic but it felt like it was taking place now so good job - 27k

“Fertile,” Louis says, and then laughs because it sounds stupid to say out loud. He hasn’t ever really thought of himself in those terms. Baby-making terms. It’s just one of those things his body can do, like exercise, or go without tea. Doesn’t mean he will.

Winteriron (MCU)

9. **Dig No Graves** by @missaphelion | Tony finds out about his parents right after winter soldier au - Tony Stark has a heart - Bucky heals with bots and lots of sugar - slow burn - 142k

"I'm here to kill you, Terminator," Tony said slowly, "does that compute?"

The soldier looked up at him with wide blue eyes and no expression. "Okay."

Tony froze. "Okay," he echoed. "I tell you I came here to kill you and your response is 'okay'?"

10. A Rifling Matter by Penndragon27 | Winter Soldier has such a big crush on Tony’s weapons, he escapes Hydra au - identity porn - pining Bucky - fluff and angst - Winter Soldier is a fanboy and it’s cute - 37k

All the Asset knows is fighting, killing.

He also knows a good weapon when he sees one and Stark Industries... they make some great weapons.

11. *Winter is Coming (aka Fifty First Avengers Dates)* by @tisfan & @everyworldneedslove | enemies to friends to lovers to 50 first dates - pining Bucky - Tony gets amnesia - no Steve bashing but he’s a little bit of an ass - mental health issues - 109k

Bucky Barnes is still mostly The Asset, and he's pretty sure Hydra is going to come back for him soon, so in the meantime he's just going to keep an eye on the Avengers for them. But then Clint spotted him hiding in the shadows, so Tony came out and dragged Bucky back to the Tower, threw him in the shower, and fed him cheeseburgers.

Now The Asset is having anomalous feelings. In his pants.

Geraskier (The Witcher)

12. *no reason to run* by @yoursummerfrost | different meeting au - only one bed but camping - cursed Jaskier - soft Geralt!!!! - poly negotiations - 61k

"You'll change your mind one day," says the innkeep. "The road can't love you back."

What a strange way to flatten something so beautiful, Jaskier thinks. What a small way to love.

13. *He Fell into a Faerie Ring* by @geraltnoises | Jaskier gets bardnapped after the fight au - non-human Jaskier - soft Geralt - Jaskier encourages people to be kind and becomes a god - emotionally mature Geralt - 57k

Traders are a gossiping sort. If there was a scandal within the noble houses of Posada, you’d hear about it in Cretegor by the end of the week. So, the quick spread of a rumor about a little village in the Kestrel Mountain range was not at all surprising. What was surprising was the story that the traders wove. They said that Luibhtorrach, a sad, ghost of a farming town, had miraculously become a hub for trade, as if overnight. Their lands unbelievably fertile and brimming with crop. Even stranger, each and every one of Luibhtorrach’s people professed that their good fortune was the work of a mysterious beast they’d claimed as their personal deity. Most recent news foretold of their plans to throw a midsummer festival celebrating this newfound god. In preparation, silken blue banners were erected in every corner of the town, each bearing the symbol of their new patron: A delicate dandelion wrapping around a golden sun.

14. Barking Up the Wrong Tree by KHansen | 5+1 things - I’m worried about Geralt’s skills - non-human Jaskier - monsterfucker Geralt - crack treated seriously - 11k

Geralt is 100% certain that Jaskier is a vampire.

He's 100% proven wrong.

15. Bardic Idyll by Lisztful | fake relationship - Geralt is soft and oblivious - pining - fluff and angst - Jaskier you can’t show your emotions mainly through song! - 13k

Jaskier is certain he can win the Continent's annual bardic competition, but he needs to be accompanied by a dashing romantic companion in order to enter. Enter Geralt, who is definitely, for sure, only interested in the free food, and not at all in staring lovingly into Jaskier's eyes.

[shinidamachu]

yo asking someone to make a wish so half of their heritage is gone forever is fridge horror-level wtfness (thnx TV Tropes).

of course RT and Sunrise chose not to focus on it, and in mythology people do give up divinity or humanity for romantic reasons, but specifically in Inuyasha it was like ‘despite your demon half you can still live a good life’ as if he has some disease 🤨

like I get in history people have had to hide their heritage to survive war and avoid being shipped off to their death or lose their rights, but to ask someone to permanently discard half their heritage and presumably hide their origins until death is tragic as fuuuuuuuuuuu

It's not even that they chose not to focus on it, is that they deliberately portrayed it as this grand romantic gesture from Inuyasha’s part and for a part of the audience, it truly was. But then again, this backfired for people like me, because it only served to proof how desperate Inuyasha really was to fit in.

Poor guy was literally planning on using the jewel to become a full demon just the day before. Then, at Kikyo’s request, he agreed on doing the exact opposite with little to no deliberation other than “what will be made of you, Kikyo?” I can only assume he was afraid her feelings were conditional. That if he had said no, she would have called it quits.

Imagine the same situation, but this time Inuyasha has a support system to lean on. Prejudice against half demons are still a thing, however he has his parents, his friends, a place to belong. Would he still have said yes in order to live with Kikyo? I honestly doubt it.

You see, Inuyasha hates being human. Not in the sense of saying he hates it, but liking it in secret. He actively hates it. And I can’t stress enough that we don’t actually understand how rightfully entitled he is to hate it.

We know how a human body feels like, we’re used to have a human body. Inuyasha is only human once a month. The majority of time he is a half demon. That’s what he is used to. Even worse: put yourself in his shoes. If you were to lose half your strength, half your sight, half your hearing and speed every single New Moon, you'd curse that night too. 

Not to mention the sheer vulnerability of being emotionally and physically exposed, of not being able to protect yourself or the ones you care about and becoming a "burden” when he takes pride of being the (un)official guardian of the group. No wonder he felt so hopeless he made a point out of staying up all night. And this is what Kikyo was asking him to feel like every single day for the rest of his existence so their life together could be easier, with the aditional quicker of forever losing the features that marked him as his father’s son. You know, the man who died saving him and his mother.

Every single character that got close enough to find out about his night of weakness quickly became aware of how much he despises it. Now, we don’t know the exact duration of Inuyasha and Kikyo’s relationship, but here are our options: Kikyo didn’t know about the New Moon and that Inuyasha hated turning into human or she did know and decided to go for it anyway.

Considering that the latter option is straight up awful, I’ll just assume she simply didn’t know. What does this say about their relationship? If they were an item for a considerable period of time, how come she didn’t know about such a fundamental thing about him? Especially when people who weren’t even his love interest were aware of that fact pretty early on? What was it worth all that time together if they didn’t use it to have meaningful interactions and get to know one another? If Inuyasha was keeping secrets from her and if she wasn’t interested in learning them?

On the other hand, if their relationship was indeed short lived, that could justify the lack of knowledge, but a different issue raises: if they didn’t have time to collect basic information about each other, how am I supposed to believe in their love? How am I supposed to view the decision to erase his demonic side and live together as anything other than reckless, impulsive and thoughtless? How am I not supposed to see it as mutual convenience, a mean to an end? How am I not supposed to think they are acting out of lonileness and desire to fit in? How am I not supposed to think that if literally anyone else had given them the same options they would have taken it? 

A New Moon would have happened in at least one month, tops. That’s not love. That’s a thirty days affair. It could have grown into love, if given the chance, but the pairing seemed more interested in the life they ideolized for themselves than in each other.

I don’t think Kikyo meant it as an ultimatum or that she was disgusted by his demonic attributes. She wouldn’t have approached or kissed him as a half demon otherwise. But I think it’s hard to deny that she wasn’t necessarily fond of them either, since she jumped at the opportunity to get rid of them first chance she got, with no remorse whatsoever. As if it was a bonus. This allowed with the fact that the prejudice against half demons is an allegory for racism and that she used from false equivalence to make the point that both her and Inuyasha were in the same situation puts her in a bad light.

Inuyasha was isolated by people because of his heritage, something he couldn’t change without resorting to intrusive, traumatizing and permanent magic, which Kikyo herself suggested he did. Kikyo isolated herself. People loved her because of her status and she was a privileged woman in comparison. She could have dropped everything since she was unhappy living like that, but she spontaneously chose her duty and powers over love and an ordinary life. And as much as I disagree with her choices, I can at least respect and understand them. What I can’t do is feel sympathy for her when the consequences of said choices catch up with her.

The narrative doesn’t give this problem much focus, it treats it in a much more subtle way. For instance: the jewel only being destroyed by the right wish, paints wishing for Inuyasha to become human as wrong and selfish, with the potential to be catastrophic.

That being said, Inuyasha didn’t hate being a half demon, on the contrary. What he hated was being ostracized over it, so he decided to take matters on his own hands and, when he was free to choose between using the jewel to become a full demon or a human, he went the full demon route because he knew living as human would made him miserable. But the desire of being a full demon was a facade. What he so very clearly wanted, all along, was to be accepted the way he was. That’s why he had no trouble letting go of that goal to pursue the exact  opposite: there was no attachment to it. Full demon or human, he longed for a place to belong. If Kikyo was offering that to him, of course he would have taken it, even if becoming human was far from being the first choice.

Compare that with Inuyasha finally giving up from becoming a full demon, realizing he didn’t have to change at all, that he had a place to belong and people who loved him not despite of what he was but because of it, that he could be accepted as a half demon. Compare that with Inuyasha ending up with the girl that always encouraged him to be himself, with being comfortable enough around her to follow his instincts and embracing his canine mannerisms rather than shutting them down, which he didn’t quite did with Kikyo... The message is clear:

Kikyo should never, in any circumstance, have asked that of him. The implications of it were really bad and on paper it was a win-win situation for her because getting rid of the jewel to become an ordinary woman was something she already wanted. He was the one with the short end of the stick, sacrificing everything without the same level of compromising from her part.

And Inuyasha should never, in any circumstance, have accepted this deal. As his love interest, Kikyo should have been the very first persond advocating for him not to change. If the feelings they had for each other truly were love, then she should be the one helping him getting to terms with himself while he does the same for her, not legitimizing the absurd idea that a part of his essence was less worthy of existing than the other, that he should have be the one to change in order to fit in, rather than the people who oppressed him.

Thematically, even if subtle, the narrative did a decent job out of showing the audience how fucked up the whole thing actually was. What it failed to do was making Inuyasha and the others realizing how wrong it was and holding Kikyo accountable for her actions by making them talk about it.

Because God forbid Kikyo gets vocally told she was wrong (even though she often is) and God forbid Takahashi give Inukik the tiniest bit of substance and relationship development.

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Ep 25

Every time I start these things, I say something stupid or controversial right away that probably turns people off. Honestly, it's not my fault how weird the cuts are on these CQL episodes! If you're on the fence about reading this, I mostly babble and gush about wangxian, so just ignore the other stuff, okay?

Maybe it's because I'm old and have no patience, but Wei Wuxian really needs to get over the whole Jin Zixuan thing. He wears such a scowl when the guy shows up, but at a certain point, he needs to just move on. His shijie is totally into the guy, so just accept it and move on with your life! Yes, it's all very dramatic and makes for fun television, but it's a little old. I think maybe I've seen this show too many times haha.

And I can't help myself, but it's adorable how excited Jin Zixuan gets when Jiang Yanli accepts the invitation to watch. I don't know when or how this happened, but he's suddenly head over heels for her. I'm not going to over-analyze the whens and hows of that relationship, though, because I don't think it matters. Jin Zixuan is one of those characters who I think is mostly there to move the plot forward, which is totally fine. I'm just saying I don't think there's any deep meaning to why he suddenly fell for her, so I'm going to continue thinking they are cute and adorable in this whole puppy love phase.

And it's a little annoying how Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng keep looking at her. They both know (Jiang Cheng said it in the last episode) that she's in love with Jin Zixuan, so it should be no surprise that she's accept the invitation. Again, it's like Jiang Cheng just is obsessed with keeping people at his side. Honey, there's nothing for Jiang Yanli in Lotus Pier. She's going to get married and move away, period. That's the whole thing with patriarchal societies--she's not gonna marry her brother, and obviously Wei Wuxian is out of the question. It's just--why the surprise?

Seriously, man, you're being such a dick! He will not let anything go with Jin Zixuan, he just keeps holding those grudges until the day Jin Zixuan dies! Maybe this is a hallmark of Wei Wuxian's first life, though. When he is resurrected, he learns to let a lot of this emotional baggage go. But right now, he's just being an ass, stepping in front of Jin Zixuan, not allowing him to say anything else, not letting Jiang Yanli walk him out alone--like, why are you accompanying her?! Wei Wuxian barely attends to any duties at Lotus Pier, but because he sees Jin Zixuan as this villain, he won't let his shijie be alone with him. Of course, there is propriety to consider, but then why couldn't Jiang Yanli have been accompanied by her handmaidens or something? I'm just saying, there were other ways. And also, this whole episode centers around Wei Wuxian clashing with the Jin Clan, so why did we need more of that here?

I don't have a terrible about to say about this, but everyone outside of the Jin Clan is shocked by the Wens being hauled out on a chain gang at the Phoenix Mountain hunt. Obviously Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are shocked and horrified, but also Jiang Cheng, Lan Xichen, and Nie Mingjue are also shown to be disturbed by this. At least upon first glance, it looks like they all think the Jins have gone a bit too far. And of course they have! It's no wonder that Wei Wuxian does that OP move where he shoots all the targets. He doesn't want to see less-skilled archers accidentally (or even purposefully) shoot the Wen prisoners.

I like that Jin Zixuan also does the jumpshot move. Like father, like son, I guess!

Hahaha that pout! But seriously, how does Wei Wuxian intend to use Lan Wangji's headband to cover his eyes? That thing is way too thin. Though he's probably serious here, it's nice to see that teasing side again, after seeing angry eyes Wei Wuxian for a while, now. Also fun to see Lan Wangji just not having it, and just ignoring him.

Iconic. Not much I can say here, other than he's sexy and he knows it. I noticed Lan Wangji kind of smirking as Wei Wuxian is putting on the blindfold, and I find myself wondering if that's really Lan Wangji or Yibo. Either way, I think it's safe to say that he's proud of Wei Wuxian for sticking it to the man.

The weird thing here is that he agrees to be blindfolded for the entire hunt, but then just...doesn't. It's strange that he would even agree to it, and then there's no mention of it again. Novel readers of course remember this for the infamous kiss scene (personal favorite of mine). This was cut for obvious reasons, but it's a damn shame because that's the hottest kiss I've ever read, I kid you not. Of course the reader can guess who it is--it's fairly obvious--but it's great because Wei Wuxian has no idea. He thinks it's some shy girl who just doesn't want him to know! Honestly, his cluelessness there is probably why people seem to think he's dumb. Instead of dumb, I'd say he's naive. It doesn't occur to him at all that Lan Wangji harbors any romantic feelings for him, because if it had, Lan Wangji's reaction to being seen definitely would have tipped him off. Plus the guy either punches a tree in half or cuts it--the translations vary and I obviously can't read Chinese.

I love how his expression changes when he sees Lan Wangji. It's like there's an inward gasp, and then relief. I don't want to read too much into things, but they are also alone in the woods together. Wei Wuxian doesn't have to perform for the crowd of people, he doesn't have to put on airs--he can just be himself. We get so many nice, candid moments between the two of them, but it's been a couple of episodes, I think. A good amount of time has certainly passed since they've seen each other. I'm sure Wei Wuxian looks forward to these moments as much as Lan Wangji does.

Ugh, and then he gets totally crushed, recalling what Lan Xichen said about being careful not to hurt those who care about him. And again, I think he wishes to distance himself from Lan Wangji. If there is distance, it means he cannot be harmed. Of course, Wei Wuxian thinks of Lan Wangji first because the warning came from his brother, but it can just as easily be applied to any of those who are close to him. He doesn't ever hesitate around Jiang Cheng or even Jiang Yanli, but it seems he's more protective of Lan Wangji. Some of that may have to do with the Gusu Lan principles and that he's not from the same clan or family--in that way, it's easier to put distance in between them. But maybe he doesn't realize that Lan Wangji feels the same closeness (indeed much more) than if Wei Wuxian were a fellow Gusu Lan disciple. Their relationship with each other pays no attention to clans or sects--it's just the two of them and how they feel about each other. And if Wei Wuxian doesn't realize this or perhaps chooses to ignore it, he'll think that distance is the answer. Unfortunately for him, Lan Wangji won't accept that.

I think there's a little bit of, "Shit! He's seen me!" and also "Thank God he's seen me." Wei Wuxian seems to be both panicked and relieved that Lan Wangji didn't just keep on walking. This scene does hurt my heart, because Lan Wangji is so sure of himself, so absolutely sure that he loves Wei Wuxian and wants to stay beside him, but Wei Wuxian just isn't. He's very conflicted about what his place is--at home and among the rest of the clans. He already feels ostracized because of the unorthodox cultivation, he is constantly arguing with Jiang Cheng, and he has Lan Wangji on his back all the time about coming to Gusu to be retrained. And on top of that, we're seeing his views about the Wens changing. Perhaps if he didn't see Wen Qing on that road, he would have let it all go, but once he sees her, everything changes. I tend to think that he would have done something sooner or later, because that's just who he is. Seeing Wen Qing and finding out what happened to Wen Ning only forced him to act sooner.

He says, "What do you take me for?" echoing Wei Wuxian's question, and he can't even look him in the eye. This is Lan Wangji, someone who doesn't back away from anything, yet this question has him retreating. I think he's very much afraid of the answer, maybe even regretting asking it in the first place. But I think it was done in the heat of the moment. His question, though it is the same words, is completely different than Wei Wuxian's. Wei Wuxian is exasperated, feeling stifled by Lan Wangji's attempts to help him. His question is off-hand, "Come on, I don't need this? Why are you so obsessed with figuring out how to change me?" Lan Wangji's is more serious, earnest, honest: basically questioning their entire relationship. Are they best friends? Are they even friends? Does Wei Wuxian see him as just some guy he used to know or some kind of pest? Lan Wangji makes himself really vulnerable here; his question suggests that he considers Wei Wuxian to be a very important person, he considers them close. To him, there's no question if he'll help him--he'd do anything to help him. But his fear here is that Wei Wuxian doesn't return those feelings in the slightest.

Wei Wuxian doesn't quite know what to do here. Unbeknownst to everyone else, his only path to cultivation is through unorthodox methods. If he agrees to let Lan Wangji truly help him, he knows that would mean giving up cultivation altogether. Chenqing gives him power, the amulet gives him power--without those, he has nothing. And for someone who wants to help the weak, etc., being powerless is not an option. I think he feels like he has to choose between demonic cultivation and Lan Wangji here, and he desperately doesn't want to make that choice.

I want to see that fucking snake!!!!! SHOW ME A MONSTER!!!!!!!!! But most of all, the Stature Measuring Snake, because that just sounds hilarious and terrifying.

Lots of deep questions being asked in this episode between our couples. "Do you dislike the hunt, or dislike being with me?" I mean, I get that he has to ask that. Essentially, should he continue to pursue this relationship or not? He has to know, otherwise he's just wasting his time. If Jiang Yanli doesn't like him, then there's really nothing he can do to make her. Still, my heart squeezes a little bit for him. I'm a sucker for unrequited love ALWAYS, and he feels like his love is unrequited here.

This part bothers me. We've already established through Jiang Cheng that they basically are leaving the decision of marriage up to Jiang Yanli. That happened in the last episode. So, why is Wei Wuxian blowing in here, saying that Jiang Yanli won't have any other associations with Jin Zixuan anymore? He's totally overstepping for his position--like, she's not his sister! He has no control over what she does. Even though I don't agree with it, Jiang Cheng could probably come in here and say the same words, but at least from him, it's okay. I mean, it's not okay, but you know what I mean. It's not unorthodox for him to do that. But Wei Wuxian is basically nobody. He doesn't get to make those decisions. Even though Jin Zixuan's mother is overbearing, she at least wants to speak with Jiang Yanli about it, and nobody else.

I hate myself a little for saying this, but I think I agree with Jin Zixun--IN PART. It was unfair for Wei Wuxian to capture/kill 30% of the prey, using magic. It was unfair that he spoiled the hunt for the others. I agree with him there. And I think Lan Wangji and Jiang Yanli do as well. Jiang Yanli stands up for him, of course, because he's like her little brother, and while what he did was wrong, he didn't deserve the slurs and hatred that came at him because of it. Lan Wangji, I'm afraid, probably feels it's not his place to speak up. The clans are their barriers and this truly is not a Gusu Lan Sect matter. At the same time, he wants to keep Wei Wuxian from blowing up and killing everyone here.

I just want to point out that Lan Wangji barely takes his eyes off of Wei Wuxian this entire time. While all the other people are arguing, his focus is just Wei Wuxian. While it's insane to me to even imagine what Wei Wuxian is going through, the constant challenges, vitriol, horrible language that's being thrown at him--being in Lan Wangji's shoes is not an enviable position either. It must be hard to watch this and be unable to really do anything to stop it. His uncle and brother both see what has happened to Wei Wuxian, and they don't like what they see either. Lan Qiren barely tries to understand and instead just tries to give Lan Wangji busy work to distract him from thinking about Wei Wuxian. He drills the disciplines into him over and over again to make him remember what his priorities are. Lan Wangji is torn between helping his best friend and violating his family's rules. And when he does choose Wei Wuxian, he gets punished. I think it's obvious that Lan Wangji would choose Wei Wuxian any day, but that doesn't change the fact that he still has to go home and face his uncle and brother. He can't just abandon his sect--he has a responsibility to them too.

This is probably a top moment for me for Jiang Yanli's scenes. She is deliberate and assertive, and uses the facts to take Jin Zixun down a peg. She recognizes that Wei Wuxian acted unfairly, but she also points out basically that he's being a big crybaby, and it's not anyone's fault but his own if he can't hunt anything. This is the nature of competition: some people are just better than others. And also hearing her talk about Wei Wuxian as a brother of course makes me happy inside.

Yeah, but this scene, it's like a big "FUCK YOU!" and it's great.

Again, I hope I'm not reading too much into this, but Lan Xichen says, "Wangji, what are you doing here?" and he sounds pretty concerned. I mean, he knows Lan Wangji is participating in the hunt, so…? Maybe he doesn't see the other Lan disciples, and wonders why he's off on his own. I feel like he sees this big kerfuffle, centered around none other than Wei Wuxian, and kind of panics to see that Lan Wangji is there. I think a lot of people put all the blame on Lan Qiren for trying to stamp out Lan Wangji's desire to be with Wei Wuxian, but I'm sure Lan Xichen had a little to do with it too. I mean, he didn't do anything to try and stop it. I think he's worried that his brother is going to get caught up in something dangerous. I think he sees Wei Wuxian as potentially dangerous. He's seen how much he overreacts and how he can't quite control the dark energy. In the same way Jiang Yanli wants to protect Wei Wuxian, Lan Xichen also wants to protect his little brother, and seeing this scene, I think he's growing more concerned.

He knows his brother better than anyone else, even Wei Wuxian, so I think he knows what Lan Wangji is doing. I just wonder if he ever approached him in the Cloud Recesses and tried to persuade him to stop trying to help Wei Wuxian. I'm guessing no, not at this point, but perhaps later. God, I hate to think that he had one of those "I told you so" moments. But knowing him, he probably could never say something like that!

Omg how fucking awkward is this? Wei Wuxian is practically 20 feet from them, Jin Zixuan is holding back a few feet too--like you're not far enough away to not hear what they're saying, just far enough for it to seem weird. Wei Wuxian is like a helicopter parent who can't let his kid date without spying on them. Jesus!

The absolute horror on his face here. Jiang Yanli stops on her own. I think he may even still be holding her hand here, and she digs her heels in and stops. Before, she looks as though she's reluctantly leaving, as if she's waiting for something, waiting for Jin Zixuan to speak and not let his mother do all the talking. I think she's afraid to tell Wei Wuxian and her brother how she really feels in her heart, and he's so taken aback here with the realization that she really does want to marry him.

I love the way they shot this. Jin Zixuan is finally confessing (in front of a whole crowd, no less!), and we only see Jiang Yanli as she turns around. Wei Wuxian is hidden behind something. It's really cool how they did that. It's as if he doesn't really matter. This doesn't concern him, no one else is even there. I don't know, but I like it.

I do kind of feel bad for him here. Kind of. I mean, Wei Wuxian is over there showboating, catching 30% of the prey, meanwhile Jiang Cheng has no idea it's going on. He already is a little annoyed at him for going over the top in the archery contest, and then he finds out this--well, overhears it. Because of Wei Wuxian, people are looking down on the Jiang Clan. Because of Wei Wuxian, people think Jiang Cheng is some kind of figurehead. They seem to suggest that Wei Wuxian is the real one in charge, while Jiang Cheng just has no idea what he's doing. After all, he's still so young, his parents died, and he had to take over the clan at such a young age. It's easy for him to be manipulated. I get how he must be feeling. Tons of negative thoughts are swirling around his head. And let's face it, he's always resented Wei Wuxian for being better than him.

Favorite Wen Qing look ever. By far. I don't know why, but I love it.

At this point, Lan Wangji is desperate. He sees how out of control Wei Wuxian is becoming and he feels like he needs to do something about it. The sad thing is, he never really gets the chance. Wei Wuxian finding Wen Qing sets everything off--it's the point of no return. By the time Lan Wangji is really able to ask him to come with him, Wei Wuxian can't say yes, even if he wanted to. Because of his prior decisions, his hand has been forced. The Cloud Recesses wouldn't accept him, even if Lan Wangji wanted him there, even if Lan Xichen is okay with it. Lan Qiren certainly wouldn't be all right with it, though. And Wei Wuxian doesn't intend to change his ways either. It's desperation that makes Lan Wangji say that he wants to bring a man back to Gusu, but it's desperation that makes him blind to the logic behind it. It wouldn't work. It couldn't work.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | Or just check out the #CQL Rewatch hashtag

[lady-griffin]

Hello! I was just wondering if I could ask your opinion on something :DD I was just thinking about how differently Maria's life would have been if the events of the game still followed. Would her heart be satisfied with not gaining any friends but instead a lover? Can the four boys mend the relationship between Maria and her mother like Katarina did? Would being engaged with a noble/prince give her emotional freedom or would she be ostracized by society even more? Thoughts?

I have so many thoughts on how Katarina’s impact on everyone is so much more significant than Maria’s impact/change on the guys and their impact on Maria in the game.

No shade towards Maria or the guys, but…I mean its Katarina. She’s a goddamn force of nature. None of them can compare to the positive wreckage of Hurricane Katarina.

I would say that Maria’s heart would be “satisfied” with a lover, but more because all Maria wanted was someone to look at her and see her for who she was and it’s clear that each of the guys did that for Maria, in the game’s timeline. 

However, just because she’s satisfied with her situation with a romantic partner (because it’s better) doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the best situation for her or even that healthy for her.

While sure her relationships in Fortune Lover with the guys puts her in a better place than she started, we still have to ask how much better?

Potential Spoilers Below

It was hard for me to organize my thoughts for this question...so I’m sorry if it’s nonsensical Anon (and sorry for any grammar mistakes). 

Thank you for asking me this!!

--

We know from Katarina, that Fortune Lover never went into Maria’s backstory. Katarina knows nothing about Maria’s backstory and even got the wrong impression from what the game chose to show her about Maria. 

When Katarina played the game, she thought Maria was simply an unstoppable genius; but in the real world of Fortune Lover it’s clear that Maria worked so goddamn hard. 

Maria got where she is, not because she’s another Geordo, but because she put so much time and effort into getting herself at that level. 

Maria is very similar to Mary in that regard.

In Hamefura (and Fortune Lover), so many characters only see “Perfect Mary” and not all the work, time and pain she put herself through to get to that point.  

That’s basically Maria’s situation with those who play Fortune Lover. They only see the end result, not her countless years of effort and struggle.

But Katarina does see it and recognize Maria for her hard work, after she meets Maria. 

Each time Katarina talks about the plot or a certain event, it’s largely about how Maria emotionally saves the guys or heals them.

While the guys do physically save her form the bullies (at least Geordo and Keith), the focus is clearly more on how Maria saves their broken and lonely hearts rather than how they save her own lonely and broken heart.

Her being saved (like how the guys were) by the guys isn’t really a factor in Fortune Lover. Because she’s the vehicle for the player. 

Because it’s an Otome game, the game developers clearly didn’t care enough to develop Maria further than what they needed, unlike the guys, who are the main draw of the game. 

And however, this world came into existence - The game being unknowing based off the world or the world existing because of the game. The actual world of Fortune Lover, what we see in Hamefura, greatly expands and fills in the gaps that Fortune Lover left behind. 

--

It’s safe to say that the guys didn’t impact Maria’s relationship with her mother.

While it is possible Nicol and Sophia did visit Maria’s home on Nicol’s route, I highly doubt it.

Katarina doesn’t compare her own visit to anything that happens in the game – so the guys more than likely did nothing to help mend Maria and her mother’s relationship.

On the other hand, Katarina is the catalyst for Maria and her mother.

In the Light Novel, Maria’s mother sees how happy her daughter is (with Katarina and Keith) and realizes that she needs to be better. She’s known that for a while now; but it’s finally just hitting her in that moment that if she doesn’t act soon, she’ll be left behind by her daughter and be unable to mend their relationship.

Maria’s mother can’t stay frozen in her own despair and depression if she wants to be with her daughter.

Which gives me the impression that in the game, while never brought up, Maria does leave her mother behind. 

I mean she probably doesn’t abandon her mother and if she marries one of the guys, she can easily improve her mother’s situation with money. 

But that’s rather hollow in comparison to Maria and her mom working on their relationship together and getting to a better place together.

Katarina doesn’t do the work for Maria and her mother, but because of Katarina, Maria is in a better place to mend her relationship with her mother and vice versa. 

Katarina is the catalyst for Maria’s Mother’s self-improvement. Which is very true of Katarina with the majority of the characters she impacts in the story.

--

Fortune Lover - Bad Endings 

I am definitely looking into this way more deeply than I should.

But given how Maria can either receive a good or bad ending with each of the guys, indicates that an actual relationship (in ‘reality’) with each guy is a dangerous thing for Maria to embark on. We can look at it like this –

If Maria’s relationship doesn’t go well with each guy, she’s so screwed…so very screwed.

Geordo’s Bad Route

Katarina Dies – that probably weighed on Maria’s conscious.

Enemy of House Claes – With Katarina dead and no Geordo to protect her, it doesn’t seem crazy that the Claes family (not Keith) might or would try to retaliate against Maria.

Geordo self-exiles himself, leaving her behind – Basically the one person she bonded with and put all of her energy into leaves her. She’s alone once more. There’s also a good chance the kingdom will blame her (since Katarina’s dead) for their beloved Prince leaving them – so she’s going to be ostracized by nobles and commoners alike

Not great all-around. 

Also given how twisted Geordo is in the game’s timeline, a part of me wonders if Geordo actually did love Maria in his bad route. 

Or if he was simply using Maria as a reason to get rid of Katarina and escape his noble life. 

Dark? Yes. Possible? I think so.

Keith’s Bad Route

Katarina Dies – again, probably weighed on Maria conscious.

Enemy of House Claes – This time Maria is a key part in not only Katarina’s death, but to the Claes family losing their heir…so not great for Maria.

Injury – Maria gets injured by Katarina...or Keith is the one who gets injured, it’s unclear to me. But basically, there’s a chance she gets physically injured.

Keith disappears (goes into hiding, leaving her behind) – Once more the person she put her time and attention into leaves her. She’s all alone. Again. Nobles still probably don’t like her and neither do the commoners and there’s probably so many more vicious rumors about her at this point, because of Keith killing his sister.

Now in Alan and Nicol’s Bad Routes the consequences are less dire, significantly so, but it’s not a stretch to say Maria would still end up alone and maybe even more isolated than she started when she got their bad endings. 

And of course, there is the one Bad Route where the whole Student Council (including Maria) gets murdered…

Basically, going pass the point where the game ends, Maria’s life is made so much worse by the bad routes.

Now if Katarina and Maria stopped being friends, it’s not exactly going to be rainbows and butterflies for Maria either.

But I just don’t see things being that dire for Maria IF Katarina’s bad route was to come to pass (so to speak).

I think one benefit befriending Katarina, is that if she were to leave someone (death/non-death reasons), she leaves the person in a better place.

In all honestly though, if Maria fails at romancing Katarina than basically Katarina’s bad route is that you just remain friends with her…so you know, still fucking great.

Also the Katarina route is essentially the friendship route for Maria. 

Largely because the Student Council are a large group of close, childhood friends (who are all in love with Katarina) and they all befriend Maria. Which is different than how the student council was in Fortune Lover. 

While Katarina is definitely the point of focus for Maria, Maria’s social group has far exceeded her expectations, not just with the student council, but even beyond them.

Fortune Lover - Good Endings (?)

Geordo and Maria’s Happy Ending in Fortune Lover…

Personally, I find it  difficult to imagine that these the game versions of these two would live happily ever after. 

It just seems like such a stretch that Maria undoes the 16 years of Geordo’s fucked up life and disposition in one year and everything is great and dandy afterwards. 

But we are told that they do end up happily ever after, so we’re going to take the story’s word on the matter. 

Maria would still end up so goddamn isolated. I mean she would be ostracized by noble society to such a scary and threatening degree if she ended up with Geordo.

Katarina is a Duke’s Daughter; she is at the top of the social hierarchy and we’ve seen how certain nobles treat her. So, imagine what Maria’s treatment would be like. 

After years of being socially isolated in her town, to being bullied and socially isolated at school, to gaining all that hatred and jealousy of all those noble girls who love Geordo.

I don’t think anyone could handle that.

Geordo would probably try to get back at those people and take care of them (to possibly a dangerous degree), which I don’t think would help Maria and might even cause her to further retreat into herself.

Given how Hamefura pulls the curtains behind Fortune Lover, I just find it so difficult to truly see Maria being happy with Geordo (and vice versa).

But it’s not exactly peaches and roses with the other guys.

Alan and Maria’s Happy Ending in Fortune Lover…

She’s definitely would be socially isolated and bullied by noble society. Probably not to the degree she would be with Geordo…but still pretty badly.  

I can easily see so many noble girls being upset that even though Alan leaves the perfect Mary, he chooses the commoner Maria over them.

I guess it’s possibly for Geordo and Alan to leave their princely lives for Maria, but again, I see Maria taking the brunt of that decision from the nobles.

Nicol and Maria’s Happy Ending in Fortune Lover…

While Nicol is described as the most normal, he and Sophia are clearly co-dependent on one another in the game, to such an unhealthy degree.

I’m sure if we knew more about Nicol’s route, Fortune Lover would have said that Maria saved the two siblings from the isolated world they only shared with one another.

But would she have? Or would she simply end up joining their isolated world?

Again, Nicol has so fans (men and women), I just see Maria being socially isolated and ostracized by noble society. 

And unlike the other guys, there’s no way Nicol would abandon his duties to his family or to his noble life – he feels a great deal of responsibility towards his family and as his father’s heir.

So while her good ending with Nicol could still be a legit good ending for her, I still see some snags for the two of them.

Keith and Maria’s Happy Ending in Fortune Lover…

Probably the happiest one, in all honesty.

In the Light Novels, it’s stated that Keith and Maria elope together and Keith abandons his position as the Claes heir. Which yeah, that makes absolute sense.

There’s no way Luigi Claes would be happy with his heir marrying the girl who he would absolutely blame for his beloved daughter’s exilement? No way.

So those two would escape Noble Society together…so they would probably be okay and be able to live normal lives.

Though I will admit, it does seem like they would probably become co-dependent on one another.

Seeing as both of them have been neglected, emotionally abused, isolated and bullied by others and neither of them have probably learned the proper tools in handling all of that. 

Also, I doubt there’s therapy in this world…so yeah.

I’m not saying they wouldn’t be able to save one another from their loneliness and build a foundation off of their shared experiences…but given how Fortune Lover focuses on Maria saving Keith from his loneliness and not so much the other way around –

Maria would probably be doing the brunt of the emotional work in their relationship.

--

…Okay, I may have been way too dark on Maria’s happy endings with the guys. 

It’s more than likely her situation if she had ended up with one one of them she would’ve been fine and a lot better than what I’ve portrayed above.

But I still think she would;ve been socially isolated and ostracized (to varying degrees), while still being emotional repressed herself.

One of the reasons why Katarina saving everyone feels severely more balanced than Maria saving everyone one… is that Katarina is well-adjusted. 

I mean emotionally speaking she was doing so much better than everyone else when she first met them. 

Don’t get me wrong, Katarina has plenty of her own problems and issues – from her self-esteem to legit thinking her friends would abandon her or even kill her.

But Katarina was able to save everyone by just being herself. 

And while Fortune Lover and Katarina basically presume that’s true for Maria… it’s not.

Because we see and get to know the real Maria and see how emotionally repressed, she was before she met Katarina. 

Her saving each of the guys or all of them together, probably cost her, her own emotional freedom and salvation.

--

There’s the saying, the saddest people smile the brightest.

Which is not a bad saying, but it can imply a somewhat dark idea if you think about it. 

The saddest people have to smile bright to save others, because they know what it’s like to be sad and don’t want that from others. 

That gives the impression that those sad people don’t allow themselves to be sad or at least not in front of other people, because they always have to happy and smile brightly for others.

I think that’s Maria’s in a nutshell in Fortune Lover.

One of the beauties of Hamefura is that we see Maria needed to be saved as much as everyone else did. 

She was pain and crying out as well, but since she was just the vehicle for the game and player, she wasn’t truly saved.

--

Maria says her big finale line to Katarina, the one that she always says to the guy she ends up with at the end of the game.  

But I think the weight of it, is so much more real with Katarina than it was in Fortune Lover with the guys. 

Maybe I’m completely off base, but it just feels more like it comes from a genuine desire when directed towards Katarina rather than a deeply rooted fear of being alone again.

Again, that could just be me. 

I think Maria being with Katarina, platonic or romantic, is immensely healthier for Maria as an individual.

For me, I would always choose having multiple good to epic friendships over one epic romance that I’m completely dependent on.

Thaks for the ask anon. And I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense, it was just hard for me to organize and write down my thoughts for some odd reason.

[blonde-toddy]

Random and Not So Random thoughts while watching Bridgerton: Season 1, Episode 4

Oh they're at court.

Also she's not a commoner. She's the daughter of a Viscount.

Another Daphne brag moment, but homegirl really got the juice. She's bagging mfs over hand holding and dancing.

Violet dgaf. She's hungry now, damn it!

Oh he's buying jewelry already.

Ooooooh the way she imagines the Duke behind her. Honey yes. That scene was hot.

Too bad she came back to reality.

Hyacinth is my spirit animal.

Lady Whistledown ain't ready to write Simon off yet. She's waiting on the Dukes Hail Mary.

Shit. So am I.

I have never seen someone look so depressed in such an exquisite piece of jewelry. It's like the necklace chokes her. Testament to the acting and script for that though. It truly represents a trap.

Awww Simon is wearing that heavy bag out. I would say poor Simon, but he made this damn bed.

I love Alice and Will. They are the kind of wholesome love I need to keep my heart steady watching this damn show. She's his rider and I love it.

Alice roasting Simon over Daphne. Get. Yo. Girl. Mane.

I always cringe when a man tells a woman to smile.

Poor Marina. Portia is determined to find her the oldest mf. She's playing smart though.

Those damn dingbat sisters.

Maybe Penelope does care.

Well at least the least mean sister got a caller. They're awkward/cute.

Eloise girl, I love feathers in hair. Your one dimensional preaching is wearing me out again.

A boxing match date? I'd be down.

The prince legit seems like a nice guy. And Daphne is trying....but she's CLEARLY hung up on Simon.

Oh look Simon's losing focus on his friend because he's too focused on Daphne and the prince.

Ok mf! Take that shit off and roll them sleeves up. It turns me on too sis!

Oh look at the sweet family talk with the prince. Girl he'd give you any and everything you wanted.

But you and the Duke are just ATE TF UP about each other!

Mondrich for the win!!!!

Oh Benny. You've got a new friend. But what kind of friend? Give me more of this.

Well Anthony is smug and pleased as punch. Simons courtship of Daphne has ended. She has her perfect suitor. And Simon is leaving England to go rake and fuckboy about.

Though Simons hard slammed shot when the prince approached says he's anything but happy.

Violet always worries about the wrong shit.

Hyacinth always wants to know the good shit.

Be Hyacinth.

Oh fuck the prince is ready to propose. That shit escalated quickly.

SIMON!!!!!! Now would be a good time for that Hail Mary.

Good job Anthony. Way to realize that the women in your life have agency over THEMSELVES.

Violet always beating around the damn bush.....but she is still 100% #teamduke

Aw Daphne you're gonna break down snitching on yourself.

If it wasn't real with Simon you wouldn't be so ate up about it, and you would be rocking tf out of that necklace from the prince instead of crying.

There's a reason for the black in her outfit. For Daphne, who is normally all pastel blues, that black is her mourning. It's her 'attempting' to put to death her feelings for the Duke. And also I think mourning the loss if the bond they shared. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But this seems like a very deliberate show with it's details.

Danbury ripping Simon open before she sends him off. Big energy.

She knows everything you thick headed mf. Why won't you just listen?! You letting your rank ass daddy live rent free in your soul.

He's so jaded it hurts.

Ayyyye this Trowbridge party looks like the real deal.

Oh gawd. Marina and the old man.

Mr. Finch and the cheese frock. Jesus who wrote this. I love it

Cressida you have been Daphnes biggest hater all season and now you're mad that she's with the prince. He was never gonna marry yo basket headed ass anyway.

Oooooh shit Simon sees the 'intimate painting' and has 2nd thoughts.

Go. Get. Yo. Girl.......Bitch.

Ooooh Benny's at the new homies spot and it's lit!

Naked models, easels, mingling between the classes. Yes indeed.

2nd sons having fun. Hell yes.

Damn Even Sienna at the ball...as a performer of course.

And Anthony looking tongue tied.

Violet....you need to chill. There take another sip.

Portia trying to shade Lady Trowbridges style is comical. Both of y'all bitches gaudy as hell.

Oh shit Phillipa lost her man.

Wtf is wrong with Lord Featherington?

And wtf are you doing Eloise?

Ayyye she just let her have it. You think servants have the time to be Lady Whistledown? I'm dead.

"Get out."

Ok Penelope with your saucy ass.

Well fuck! You just pushed him right to Marina. You played yourself boo.

Oooh the prince is about to shoot the big shot and Daphne keeps running away.

She done spotted Simon. Its over.

Fuck off Cressida.

Rip that mf necklace off girl.

Simon followed her ass outside.

"Miss Bridgerton." Motherfucker, call her Daphne.

"I came to say goodbye." Man. Go to hell.

Daphne serving those barbs. You not ready to keep playing with her.

Damn, Simon. If you're not gonna give her what she wants, get out the way.

Tell his ass sis.....even if you don't believe it yourself.

Really Simon? You stand there quiet as a mf church mouse whiles she's pleading with you to say something.....then you take off after her once she walks away from your shit

I swear.....men.....yall mfs really do shit like this. Speak up! Or...LET. ME. GO.

She's really cracking on his ass and I'm here for it....but wtf us up with his "I forbid you." Who tf are you to me? I'm glad she ain't playing with his ass.

Ooooh he called her Daphne and grabbed her.

Oh honey this is what fulfillment feels like, isn't it?

He's definitely fulFILLing her all the way up!

Oh shit Anthony caught them.

At least he finally landed some decent blows on Simon.

This RAKE ass mf still won't marry her.

Oh Simon.....for once.....Anthony is in the right and you the wrong. You are really about to die over your fucking daddy issues. Boy bye. Again.

Poor Daphne.

Wait, how did Cressida know she was in the garden?

That can't be good.

At least Benny is having a good time.

Dearest Portia, when you go looking for shit, it usually falls in your lap.

Marina keeps carrying on about Colin and Penelope is crushed.....or scheming....or both.

Aww Penelope let her hurt feelings cause a fight with her bestie. Her jealousy is seething.

Daphne still out here having to educate Anthony....though I get the need for the duel. And he still thinks he's running something.

Ooooh this is why they brought up 2nd sons.....Anthony is prepping Benny to take over. Well Benny, at least you had one good night out.

Colin caring for drunk Violet is parenting goals one day.

Oh great, now yall wanna bring Colin into the shit.

Simon raiding Wills spot for booze was so uneccesarily loud.

So Berbrooke alludes to her dishonor and Simon caves his fucking head in. Simon legit dishonors her and he's just like ,"Kay, guess I'll go get shot now." Someone get this man some therapy.

Oh great Anthony is back at Siennas door with more of his bullshit. Girl. Close that door.

No, not after you've let him in and climbed his torso. I guess y'all fuckin again.

He lost all the money and now he's fucked up.

Her face while he cried, is literally the face of every woman sick of a mediocre man's shit.

Oooh now they're all riding off into battle like the fucking idiots they are.

Colin is so pure.

I knew that Cressida shit would come back.

Well at least Anthony was willing to care for Sienna in his death....but damn mf, treat me right while WE'RE here.

Oh the dramatics of drawing a gun.

Nobody is here for Simon's weak ass apologies and I'm okay with that.

Hurry hurry Daphne.

Daphne down....but she's alright.

Call them idiots just like they are.

Simon still being a hoe about this shit. You really about let her be ostracized because you're a fuck boy.

Ultimate fuck boy line...I can't be with you because I love you too much. Fucking hell.

They do obviously love each other though.

Hold up.......you CAN NEVER, or WILL NEVER give her children. Don't play this like you have a reproductive issue.

So your reason for not marrying her is that you "can never" give her children and you know that's what her heart desires.

You playing with fire, Simon.

I wonder how much shit I let slide with his character just because he's portrayed so well by the phenomenal Regé-Jean Page.

No, I do love Simon's damaged ass. He just makes me so mad.

So the duel resumes......or not.

Daphne said, "Fuck them kids, give me my husband." Or something like that.

Well. This us an uncomfortable arrangement even though both of these idiots are in love.

Simon's evasion will most certainly come back to bite him in the ass.

But I'll be here with my popcorn and tissue, rooting for these cool kids to make it!

[where-fading-princesses-live]

double standards

So I was watching this very interesting video last night...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di_R6Md-L80

And around 6:43, he talks about the classic Mary Sue trope and how, if you have a male character in a work of fiction who is presented as equally perfect and free of flaw (in other words, a Gary Stu), the criticism is less harsh towards him, or in some cases, nearly nonexistent. Some might even say he's a total bad-ass and how dare you find fault in someone so impossibly cool? But if they're female? Good god, it's bad writing and anti-feminist. People seem to be generally way more accepting of male archetypes who fall under this trope than the likes of their female counterparts, hence double standards. You see this all the time in action flicks for instance. Arnold Schwarzenegger films, anyone? James Bond whomst??? But suddenly you have Rey who's arguably not better or worse than the likes of those characters, and yet, the general opinion of her is... kind of unfair. Understandable, nonetheless... I'm not a fan of her either but at the same time, I don't think we should judge her harsher than male characters who have similar treatments. Male characters like that shouldn't be excused. I'm not saying Stus are NEVER pointed out or criticized, but this guy does have a point. There seems to be a much more airtight scrutiny surrounding female characters of this nature and it might be due to internalized misogyny or ''something something quantum quantum...'' Granted, I don't think Stus/Sues should be a widely accepted overused theme regardless, and that should be blamed on poor writing rather than sexism. Whether male, female, both, neither and everything in-between, characters need to be well-written, well-developed, believable and nuanced and blah blah blah. I'm not really here to talk about that. What I want to point out is double standards. And yes, this is sexism.

Take Rick and Morty for example. I'm not going to get too deep into it, but the fandom seems to praise the shit out of Rick who can easily be labelled a Stu because as we're constantly reminded, he's supposedly the ''smartest man in the universe''. Now, when you create a character who is a self-professed genius and placed on a pedestal by the writers, it can definitely come off Stu-ish. It's not that Rick unrealistically lacks flaws... no, this man is LOADED with flaws, but the fact that he's a literal badass who can get out of almost any sticky situation... well, like I said, there's more to his character than that and I'm not going to get into it, but Rick rarely, if ever, fails. Sometimes there's moments of vulnerability and the fact that he keeps trying to change but just slips back into his old ways, that makes him much more 3-dimensional than a Stu... but you know, despite his narcissism, his sarcasm, his alcoholism and mistreatment of his family and his incapability of maintaining healthy long-term relationships, he still has a limitless ability to create, a superior intelligence level even when compared to higher lifeforms on other planets, enabling him to outsmart entire government organizations and civilizations spanning galaxies, well... you can see where I'm going with this. There's no person on this planet like that who exists irl, even among the smartest of history's greatest men. Yes, it's a cartoon, it's meant to be far-fetched. Yes, it's sci-fi so we're expected to suspend our disbelief. Yes, there's a reason for it. Yes, it drives the core of the story. But even if there's times where it seems Rick will definitely fail, he never truly has an ALL IS LOST MOMENT because the writers conveniently write him out of most of his troubles, because the series has to keep going (obviously). Basically, I never feel a real sense of danger when Rick is in trouble because I know he'll get out alive (if not, there's infinite amount of Ricks and infinite amount of realities to replace him-- not to mention he can replace his family members as many times as he fucks up which became the show's laziest overused point in my opinion). Rick's not a bad character. Far from it. That's not what bothers me.

What bothers me is his daughter, Beth. Okay, no, she doesn't specifically bother me. The way the fandom sees her bothers me. Now Beth is undoubtedly cut from the same cloth. You know what they say, like father like daughter. And yet... the fandom fails to recognize her as a potentially great character, just as equally flawed and brilliant minded as Rick. She's a genius horse surgeon in a failing marriage. (I will go out on a limb and say she's more well written than Rick *ducks from flying tomatoes*.) I mean, her story is literally almost the same as her father's, her flaws are just as realistic--in fact, she's probably more realistic because she's not the ''smartest so and so of the godforsaken universe'' which is just as bad as annoyingly cringey The Chosen One trope. She's just Beth. A terribly smart woman with abandonment issues and trust issues and all other kinds of issues, but you can't blame her given her upbringing. By no means perfect or good at everything she does. Or loved (or hated) by everyone or hailed a genius by the entire flipping universe. You can't even call her a Sue. Yet some of the fandom chooses to label her a b*tch for whatever reason... even though her characterization is near identical to D*ck, er I mean Rick (e.g. she drinks just as much when she hits an all time low). She's just as awful with just as many fuck ups yet she's more sympathetic due to the way Rick raised her (or didn't raise her)... yet there's a double standard because somehow, because she's a female, she's a worse character than Rick, who's a male and apparently awesome (brownie points because he's one of the the two titular characters so you *can't* hate him, it's against the law). If Beth were Rick's son instead of his daughter, I wonder if the general opinion would be the same or not. If Rick were a woman.... he would be Rey, now would he? Don't deny it.

Then there's Ed Edd n' Eddy. As much as I love praising the hell out of this show, I also like to crap on it. There's no shame in pointing out flaws in your faves. But this isn't so much the flaw in the actual show and the actual writing, but again, I'm taking a jab at the fandom and how they perceive male characters v. female characters.

Sarah. Sarah is almost exactly like the female Eddy. She's little and bratty and loud af. She's probably the most hated character on the show (even Jimmy and Kevin are more liked than she is). I used to not like Sarah either but I never really asked myself WHY. When I compared her to Eddy, I realized that they're literally, almost the same character and I have no real reason to hate her (yeah yeah a lot of the cul-de-sac kids share eerily similar traits to the Eds and it was no accident; it makes you wonder why the kids hate the Eds so much if they ostracize them for the very same quirks they have, and it's not just the scams--it's because kids at this age are terribly insecure about themselves and tend to make fun of more vulnerable others who share their flaws to make themselves feel better. I was bullied in middle school for acne by... wait for it.... kids who had acne. GASP. Imagine that. So my point is, we often despise traits in others we despise in ourselves, not to mention we don't perceive ourselves the way others perceive us, hence, the Looking Glass Self theory. Basically, EEnE is deeper than it appears on the surface, and I've analyzed this before during those EEnE Appreciation Month things, so I won't bother repeating myself, but that's the basic idea in a nutshell.)

Ahem, before I get off on a further tangent, let me reiterate my main point. Sarah IS Eddy. No, not really, but yes, kinda really. Her voice can be irritating and grates on your nerves at times, she's bossy and controlling of her friends (I honestly love her friendship with Jimmy, and how they both defy stereotypical gender norms, and how protective she is of him, but there's times where she pushes his buttons), and though she doesn't hold Jimmy back from finding his own independence apart from her the way Eddy sometimes does to Ed and Edd who he treats them more as cronies in the first season (for instance, Sarah doesn't raise objection to Jimmy joining the Urban Rangers and finding his own identity and making other friends besides her, I mean they don't have to be glued to the hip and she damn well knows that), and yet... the way she treats Ed... well... even if Eddy stands up for Ed against Sarah and grows increasingly annoyed with the way she walks all over him... Eddy ain't much better, pumpkins. DON'T ACT LIKE HE'S BETTER THAN HER. Sure, male characters *always* get excused for this kind of behavior, but if it's a girl, she's automatically a mega beyotch with no redeeming qualities. If she's a b, he's a b, and they both have potential to redeem their flaws.  They should be treated equally.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Eddy. He's one of my favorite characters. OPE. And there's the tea.

Most people LOVE Eddy (not everybody, and if you don't, that's fine; you don't even have to like Sarah, but I have a case). Despite the fact that he's bossy, sarcastic, rude, selfish, self-absorbed, over confident, flamboyant, vain, screams with a voice that makes your ears bleed.... well, gee, didn't I just describe Sarah? Sarah loves make-up clothes and hair just as much as Eddy loves speedos and deodorant and cheap shampoo and dressing to the nines for Jonny's Arbor Day Party. Hell, Sarah had a complete meltdown because she lost her freakin' earring! Eddy flipped the fuck out when Ed lost his porno mags. THEY'RE. THE. SAME. FUCKING. PERSON. (and it's why they butt heads but that's a topic for another day, because you know, you can't fight fire with fire... you can argue the same for Eddy and Kevin)

Yet, the fandom HATES Sarah and LOVES Eddy. Probably not cuz she's female, but aside from the Kankers, the girls (and Jimmy, poor Jimmy) seem to receive harsher judgment towards them as characters by fans, even if they have similar traits to the boys. I'm sure it's because Sarah isn't as well written or developed a character as Eddy (who's a main cast member, actually the driving force of the show, the primary lead) BUT that's not to say Sarah doesn't have her moments of vulnerability or moments of total bad-assery that makes her.... well... interesting  if given the chance. (In BPS, she beats the living shit out of the Kankers and devises a plan for her and Jimmy to escape their enslavement, one of my all-time favorite scenes in the entire movie; not to mention she beats the crap out of EVERYONE on the show and it's usually, not always, well-deserved but it's entertaining nonetheless: cat fights with Nazz, even beating up Rolf who's twice her size, etc.). The fact that everyone is afraid of this little girl??? (maybe except Kevin). I mean, this chick is fearless, and yet, she still has moments of weakness. That's 3-dimensional if you ask me. She's more than just the bratty little sister. I didn't used to like her, but after studying her more, I've come to appreciate her. There's nothing about her that makes her an inherently ''bad'' female character. She plays a role, as do they all, and she plays the role perfectly.

Last but not least: Nazz. Everyone's favorite (I'm kidding). I don't know if the fandom hates Sarah or Nazz more. I can understand the hate towards Sarah, but Nazz seems even less just. Nazz is like one of the nicest people on the show and never really does anything to warrant the hate (until the infamous flanderized Season 5-- don't judge me, I love S5 regardless)... but even then she's still nice, if a bit artificially so. I mean, she becomes a bit of a Mean Girl (they all kinda do; it must be how the clique school environment changes a person), but she still goes out of her way to be inclusive towards everyone (even if she can be spotted in the background laughing at the Eds along with the others at times, but they're ALL guilty of this... ya'll out here lovin' on Rolf or Jonny or whatever, and pretending like they're saints, but they laugh at our precious Ed boys too. Also, precious Ed boys are not complete angels either and sometimes they need a good ass whooping or two. I mean, they're just kids. Kids are assholes). She's not a bad person though; she roots for all the contestants during the Spelling Bee. She personally appoints Ed to be the mascot of the football team. I can go on and on. She's just nice. Maybe that's why fans hate her. Because nice is boring. Nice is... personality-less. I don't think Nazz has as much eccentricity as the other characters, obviously, but she, too, has her moments (she yodels, for starters). She's not entirely lacking in personality. Sure, she may have as much personality as a board of wood (actually, I take that back, Plank has MORE personality than her XD) buuuut.... Idk, I like Nazz. I didn't at first either. But even if it irks me a bit that she's reduced down to the unattainable love interest and not much else, she, too, isn't an inherently ''bad'' female character. She has the least development of all the cast members, but she fills her role effectively. Without her, the show would feel like it's missing something. Even if she doesn't appear as often.

What bothers me the most is that she plays the same part as Kevin, only female. Kevin's the quintessential jock/bully popular leader of the kids, the King of the Cul-de-sac if you will (self-appointed or otherwise, just don't tell Eddy I told you). Nazz is like his Homecoming Queen, even if they're not an official couple (they spend the whole series as a ''will they or won't they Ross and Rachel'') and though not the leader of the kids collectively, she does sometimes lead the girls (or really, Sarah and Jimmy), while Kevin leads the boys (Jonny and Rolf, excluding the Eds). AND YET Kevin, though sometimes hated by fans, isn't nearly *as* hated as Nazz. Yet, he has as much personality as her (sorry, I love you, Kev). I mean, THEY'RE. ALMOST. THE. SAME. CHARACTER. Good looking, sporty, popular... He's also the least developed character of the male cast. Plank has more development than him and that's kinda sad... y'know... getting beat by a board of wood. (But Plank comes alive through Jonny, so basically Jonny is split into two separate characters; Plank reveals aspects of Jonny that he won't reveal to us, and vice versa. I can talk about Jonny all day, but let's not, because this is about Nazz.) I mean, again, Nazz and Kevin both have their moments of vulnerability and it's not like they're NEVER interesting; I beg to differ. Kevin, anyway, has two great episodes that revolve directly around his insecurities and anxieties and deep-seated fears, some deep shit I wish we got to see with Nazz. But instead we got BPS and it was hands-down the best character development we ever saw from her in the entire show's run. It's sad it had to be the end, because if they gave us more BPS Nazz throughout the series, she would have been a well rounded 3-d character.

Nazz is angry AF in BPS and I live for angry Nazz. We can kind of feel for her here because Kevin is such a dunce. She's finally reciprocating his feelings and he decides to turn the other way.... for his goddamn inanimate bike. It's something Jonny would do, but Kev always loved that bike... I guess more than Nazz, and it's one of the greatest love triangles ever. Phantom of the Opera don't interact. Ahem. My point is, Nazz finally displays more personality here-- like actual fucking emotion beyond just being nice and pretty (sure, we've seen her get angry sometimes, or freaked out other times, but never like this). Buuuuuut the fandom sees otherwise. They hated Nazz even MORE after this, despite that.... the male characters in BPS, like Rolf who punches through a tree and Edd and Eddy who go at it all piss and vinegar in an actual fist fight, are angry fucking men, and they're allowed to be angry and not Nazz because...? They have more testosterone and she doesn't? Because penises are more justified than vaginas? Oops, no, sorry, women can only be angry when they're on their periods, my bad. I mean, everybody's out in this freezing cold swamp, having a break down, at their wit's end, reaching their ''all is lost'' moment... yet, Rolf and the Eds are allowed to vent their frustrations on each other or on the surrounding environment. But not Nazz. No, Nazz is being a b*tch because.... Kevin's paying more attention to a non-living machine than to her. And he sat flat on his skinny ass and didn't help her when she needed him the most. And she didn't have to tag along with him but she did. She didn't have to put up with his cold aloofness but she did. And even if she was trying to catch his attention and flirt with him at inappropriate times she wasn't entirely useless. It was HER idea to find Eddy's brother. If she hadn't suggested it, he'd still be riding around in circles chasing his shadow. Yeah, okay, she's a total b*tch.

God forbid women have emotions. God forbid women cry or get frustrated. Then they're b*tches. But if they're pretty and nice and perfect and popular, they're Sues. Yet, male characters with the same traits.... get lighter sentences. No one even bats an eye. Boys will be boys am I right?

I can go on but yeah, don't say double standards are total BS. In this essay I will

[jimlingss]

Jungle Park [4]

Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 4.5 OR Chapter 5

➜ Words: 5.7k

➜ Genres: Fluff, Light Humour (?), Slice of Life, Workplace Romance!AU

➜ Summary: The equation is simple. Hoseok needs to hire someone. You need a job. Except like any actual equation, it’s not fucking simple at all! Not when you have to add the fact that he was forced to hire someone he doesn’t want in his office, he has little respect for your job in general, and oh yeah...once upon a time you might have—*CENSORED*.

➜ Warnings: swearing

Right as things seem to be improving and you’re slowly being less ostracized by the others, it plummets all to hell again. It’s no wonder that so many people hate HR. You’re constantly going after the employees and you’re really beginning to feel like Hoseok’s personal henchman.   “Am I being fired?” Lisa cuts straight to the point, eyeing how the conference room door is closed and the shades have been drawn for the utmost privacy. She faces you from across the table and glances at Hoseok who’s behind you, chair against the wall, preoccupied with some work and flipping through a stack of papers.   “No, no, you’re not,” you try to reassure the female receptionist to no avail. You’re perfectly aware that out of everyone, Lisa has the most hostility towards you. It’s justified too, since you basically fired her best friend and now she thinks you have it out for the receptionists.   “Then what is it?”   “I would like to just brush up on the dress code with you.” You try your best to offer the kindest smile while damning Hoseok on why he made you do this. It’s your job, but still. “It’s not a huge deal, but the firm’s dress code is business professional and it applies to everyone. For men, it’s buttoned suits with ties or dress pants and sports jackets. And women can wear pencil skirts or dress pants with a top and jacket, or a dress or suit as well. Muted and neutral colours are generally encouraged, but there’s some flexibility there. Shoes can be opened toed or closed, as long as they’re not sandals or sneakers or boots...”   Your hands are clasped on the table and you continue, “There are a lot of choices to choose from. But Jung and Park find it especially important for you to adhere to the dress code because you greet clients that come in. In a way, you’re the face of the entire firm—”   “So what you’re saying is you want me to button up my blouse more?” She interrupts you and her glare is directed towards Hoseok for a few seconds before she looks down at her own shirt.   “Yes.” You retain your reserved smile, keeping your voice light and trying your best to clearly deliver your message without misunderstandings. “It’s a bit revealing. You look fantastic! I really like your fashion sense! But maybe it’s more appropriate for an evening out with friends rather than a professional office setting.”   “Maybe people shouldn’t let their eyes wander,” she mutters passive aggressively and moves on before you can address her concern. “If the dress code is so important, then I’d like to tell you that Taehyung comes in his pajamas sometimes.”   “I will talk to him about it,” you promise her and she nods, already moving to do up two more buttons on her white blouse. “How is Dahyun? Is she doing alright with you?”   “She’s fine,” Lisa says in a curt tone. “If this is all, can I go now?”   “Uh...yes, you can go now. Thank you for this discussion.” It’s shorter and easier than what you were preparing for. In the next few seconds, the receptionist swiftly stood and opened the door, waltzing out. You’ve also stood up, shuffling your stack of papers. Hoseok continues to sit there without moving, flipping to his next page, but the corner of his mouth moves.   “You need to be more stern,” he mumbles, barely coherent.   “I’m doing fine,” you tell him and with that, you leave.   No one said your job would be easy. When Jimin told you this place was full of high conflict, he wasn’t kidding. It seems like office drama and gossip runs like the wild west here. But recently, the flood of complaints made against each other seemed to stop entirely. Maybe people didn’t want to file official complaints or they simply decided to band together against you and Hoseok. If it’s the latter reason, you’re happy that you at least got to lessen the tension around the office.   It takes teamwork to revolt against authority figures. And….well, even if no one wants to be your friend anymore, you still like your job.   It’s a lot better than driving a damn taxi around.   “Um, Y/N?” There’s a timid knock on your door and you bolt your head upright, tearing your eyes away from the computer screen. At the doorway, Sebin linger hesitantly, arms holding onto a thick file. “Do...do you have some time?’   “Of course!” You stand, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. Nonetheless, you welcome her in and when she takes a seat, you happily close the door for privacy. You just can’t believe that someone’s actually here, greeting you, asking for your help, and you’re about to pull out all stops. “What can I do for you?”   “I just need to talk to someone.” The girl brushes her long brunette hair until it’s behind her, draping her backside. Her eyes divert to her lap, fingers playing with the hem of her beige pencil skirt before she looks up at you. “I’ve been having a hard time recently.”   “Do you know what you’re having a hard time with? Is it your family or your personal life or is it because of someone in the office?”   She shakes her head with a modest smile. “No, no one’s been anything but nice to me here. I just feel stuck.”   You nod, actively listening and reading her expression. “Can you elaborate? What do you mean by stuck?”   “I just…” The legal assistant sighs, a heavy exhale squeezing from her lungs. “I wonder what I’m doing. I like my job. I think it’s easy and straightforward. It pays the bills too. I really love and adore everyone here. Jimin was the one who hired me and I feel like I owe it to him to stick this out...but I don’t know...I keep thinking about it and I can’t get rid of this feeling.”   “Sebin, you don’t owe it to anyone to stick it out.” You repeat her exact words and you reach across your desk to squeeze her hand. “There’s no one here who would understand better than Jimin.”   She smiles, thankful that you’re offering her comfort. “I don’t know if this is what I want for myself anymore. But if I leave this place, I don’t know where I will go, I don’t know where I would get money.”   “Do you have any savings?”   “I do. But what if I can’t find another job? What if no one’s hiring? I know the economy isn’t great.”   “At this point, I don’t think the economy will ever be good.” You grin and she laughs behind her hand, agreeing with you. “There are a lot of reasons why you shouldn't do something. Sometimes...you just gotta go for it, as stupid as that sounds.”   The girl is kind of surprised. She expected you to coerce her to stay and she wondered if you’d just turn around and tattle to Hoseok later. She wouldn’t be all that shocked if Hoseok chucked a cardboard box at her head and told her to clean out her desk before the end of the day for even thinking of leaving her job. But Sebin is pleased to hear your encouragements and a part of her thinks you won’t tell Hoseok. Your sincerity reaches her. “Can you be honest with me?”   “Of course,” you reassure, wondering when you’ve ever been dishonest.   “Do you think it’s dumb?” The paralegal makes wild gestures with her hands. “I mean...my job right now isn’t hard…”   “Just because it’s easy, it doesn’t mean you’ll like it.” You hum and begin to reminisce. “I’ve been at jobs for the sake of money before and I was miserable the entire time. Actually, I only have this position right now because I made the decision to quit my old job….for the same reasons as you.”   You continue, “And as hard as this job can be sometimes, I love it a lot. I don’t think there’s anything I’d rather do than be here and help people, get to know them and boost office morale while still being a part of the team.”   Sebin smiles warmly, in awe at how you speak so passionately even when you know HR is a mundane job. “I’m not even sure of what I want.”   “Well…” You lean back. “If money wasn’t a concern, what would you want to do?”   “I don’t know.” It’s a typical question, but the legal assistant considers it carefully. “I’d travel. I’d eat a lot. I...I always wanted to become a teacher, so maybe I’d do that. I had a job as a teacher’s aide before. I just never thought I could be an actual teacher. Somewhere along the way, I applied for this job...and then I stuck to it.”   “And now you’re really stuck,” you say lightheartedly and she nods. “I think you would be a great teacher, Sebin. You have the patience for it for sure and it’s never really too late to do anything. If you have savings, you could do it, return to school and see what you need to complete your degree. There’re tons of bursaries and scholarships for adult students as well. In fact, I may have something for you.”   You open your left drawer, thanking the heavens of your bad habit of taking brochures that you don’t need. In ten seconds, you’ve fished for the right one and you slide the pamphlet over to her. “You can also continue working while going to school. There’s a lot of options out there.”   The girl’s eyes are glazed over, holding back tears. “Thank you for this, Y/N. I really appreciate it. I had no one else to talk to and...this just means a lot to me.”   “No problem.” If you were happy before, now you were on a high. Why should people do drugs when helping people was for free? “If you want, you can keep me updated on what you decide, but you don’t have to. My door’s always open if you need to talk to someone.”   At the end of the conversation, the both of you are over the moon.   Sebin leaves while dabbing her eyes with the back of her hand and you’re ecstatic that you actually got to help someone in their career development. At this rate, you’re sure she’ll still be working while going to school part-time, eventually becoming a teacher, or maybe not. She’s promised to see where things go and to take steps to make herself happier. And you couldn’t be happier yourself.   Except, the next day, someone by the name of Jung Hoseok takes a big fat dump on your bliss.   “You called me?” You pop your head through the door and he motions you in. You’re forced to awkwardly shuffle, moving to stand in front of his desk like you’re an elementary student about to be scolded by the principal.   “Explain this to me.” He throws a letter onto his desk and he glares at you hard enough to set your skin aflame. “Sebin just handed me her two weeks notice.”   Oh shit. Turns out she won’t be working and going to school at the same time. Maybe it’s better that she fully focuses on achieving her goal. It’s a good decision either way.   But you don’t tell Hoseok any of your thoughts. Instead, you manage a skeptical expression. “And you called me because…?”   “Because she came in here talking about being stuck and her dreams and needing to take charge of her life. I was thinking about who could’ve fed her all this nonsense and I realized that it could only be you.”   There’s a murderous look in his eye and you begin to break a sweat. If Hoseok didn’t hate you before, now he definitely did. You scramble to reply, “That...that’s a big assumption. Aren’t lawyers supposed to avoid assumptions?”   “Do you realize that in this busy season, we cannot afford to lose an important member of staff?”   “Yes.”   “Do you know how much work it will take to hire another paralegal that will fulfill the correct requirements and fit the needs of this office?”   “Yes,” you mutter before adding on, “but isn’t it my job to find someone suitable?”   Jung Hoseok is not amused and from the way he glares at you dead in the eyes and his hands are clasped, it makes you ponder if this is what Satan looks like in hell. “Did she or did she not visit you in the past few days?”   “She did.”   “And what did you talk about?”   “That is confidential material.”   “I am your boss and it is your job to tell me,” he demands and your life flashes before your eyes. You wonder if this is the end, if he’ll toss his sharp scissors at your exposed neck and the rest of the lawyers will end up hiding your corpse and burning it in some forest. They’d get away with it too, considering they’re the top lawyers in the industry. Oh god. How would your mom even react if your death became an unsolved mystery? “Either way, you would’ve had to fill out a report, correct? I could always read it.”   “Sometimes reports are not necessary to fill out,” you mumble while scratching your hair and downcasting your head.   The lawyer seated across from you persists without missing a single beat. “Did you or did you not speak to Sebin about her professional goals?”   “Perhaps.”   “Did you at any point suggest that she should quit if she is feeling unhappy?”   You’ve watched enough law television shows to know how to respond. It might be ridiculous, but you don’t care. “I refuse to respond on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”   Hoseok’s frown deepens, but the corner of his mouth twitches. You’re not sure if he’s become slightly amused or absolutely furious with you. “Are you….are you pleading the fifth?” He asks it like he can’t believe his own ears.   You cringe in your spot, avoiding his glare. “Yes.”   “This is not an interrogation.”   “Then what am I doing here?”   The male is brought to a loss for words, so he simply scoffs. He pinches the bridge of his nose and waves you away with his other hand. “Get out of here before I toss my mug at you.”   “That’s a threat and verbally abusive, also highly inappropriate.” Despite your words, your legs bolt upwards and you’re on your toes again, collecting yourself as you slowly back away from his desk. “Just letting you know as HR.”   “You’re testing me,” he chimes and returns back to his work.   “Alright...goodbye.” You run for your life and Hoseok lifts his chin, staring at the space where you just occupied. The corner of his tilt mouth again and he lets out a hopeless puff of air through his parted lips before it stretches into the smallest of smiles.   //   If life at the office could be charted, it would be one of the craziest graphs you would need to draw. The line would currently dip and rise, like the drop and incline of a rollercoaster with no stops. Often times when you’re having the time of your life, it plummets to the bottom. And when you’re having the worst time, things improve so drastically, you remember why you wanted this job in the first place.   At the moment, it feels like things were at a standstill, half between the rise and fall of good and bad. While the employees of the firm aren’t exactly friendly with you anymore, they aren’t hostile or passive aggressive either. Sure, you’re almost certain Hoseok hates your guts and probably wants to throw you out of his window, Jimin has been nothing but understanding and kind.   Things are okay.   But it’s about to be a new low for you.   “Are you the one who fired my girlfriend?!”   “Pardon?” You frown in confusion, forced to a halt in front of the office building as the car pulls up on the curb. An unfamiliar man has his head popped out of the window, half his body hanging out as he angrily screams the question at you. It’s only nine a.m. in the morning and your mind is still numb without coffee.   “Are you the fucking HR bitch that fired my girlfriend?!” He repeats, shouting so loudly that it hurts your ears. What you don’t notice is who is sitting in the driver seat and the familiar lawyer that is walking down the street, noticing the commotion going on.   It happens too quickly.   The driver of the car moves the man out of the way to see out the window. You recognize the ex-receptionist immediately and she wastes no time to point an accusatory finger at you. Kei frowns and shrieks, “That’s her!”   The man in the passenger seat brings up a bucket from in-between his feet and then there’s a sudden stream that glistens in the morning sunshine. There is the sound of sloshing that follows. The beads glimmer against the light like stars and then it falls like a tsunami.   You’re doused in cold water.   It shocks your system, hair drenched and clothes dripping, doused from head to toe. There are gasps that surround you, people passing by that move out of the way to not get wet. The man shouts, “Drive, drive!” And then tires screech on pavement as it pulls off and zips down the road.   Hoseok runs over towards you and pulls out his phone, swiftly snapping a shot of the license plate before the car is too far gone. If you thought he was furious before, now he was completely livid.   “What the fuck!” His hands curl around your shoulders, firm yet still gentle, and he doesn’t notice when you flinch from his touch. “Are you okay??! Y/N?!” The man searches your face before he locks his eyes with yours.   “I...I’m fine.” You’re violently shivering, still shocked by the sudden change of temperature and also humiliated by people’s stares. “It’s just water, I’m fine. It’ll dry off.”   He doesn’t wait and takes off his suit jacket, draping it over you as if it could warm you up and shield you away from stranger’s gazes. The security guard of the building runs out while catching his breath and Hoseok casts one mere glance at him. “Give me the footage of that security camera.”   “You got it,” he responds and goes off again.   “Hoseok.”   “Do you have a change of clothes with you? Actually no, go home,” he says it quickly, nearly getting whiplash at how fast he turns to look at you again. You can’t imagine taking the subway in this state and he must read your expression well with the next question he asks. “Did you drive here or do you need me to drive you home? Wait, no, we need to file a police report as soon as possible. Okay, let me drive you home to change and then we can head to the police station and file a police report.”   “Wait…”   “We can get a restraining order by noon. See if we can press charges on grounds of harassment and assault and verbal abuse. From now on, I’m your attorney, understand?”   “Listen to me,” you say as calmly as possible whilst gazing into his eyes. “I don’t want to press charges or file a police report. I’m fine.”   His jaw clenches and the knit between his brows deepen. “No. You do not get to argue with me on this.”   “It was water. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” You just want to go away from the prying eyes and pitiful stares. “I’ll dry off. And she was just upset, she lost her job.”   “That does not justify her actions. Why do you let this happen to you?! Are you really okay with it?!” Hoseok’s composure is completely lost and he steps away, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “Fine, you might not want to press charges, but I’m still going to get a restraining order for this office. I have a responsibility to protect my employees, do you understand? And you are my employee. No one is allowed to hurt you or put you in danger.”   You’re caught in a trance, staring into his brown irises that seems to catch light in all the right places. Eventually, you’re pulled back to attention when Sunyi comes rushing over, asking what happened. Miraculously, the lawyer has a change of clothing since she was planning to switch to more formal attire to meet an important client at two. She’s happy to let you borrow her clothes.   The ride up to the floor is uncomfortable and smothering. Everyone in the office stops to gawk, baffled out of their minds at the sight of you, considering you look like you went showering in your attire. But no one whispers or murmurs since Hoseok stomps into Jimin’s office and the door slams shut, hard enough to cause the hinges to break and the goddamn wall to crumble.   You change and Seulgi makes a cup of hot coffee to warm you up. Even Lisa lingers in the kitchen and asks if you’re alright.   Within the hour, Hoseok appears again, beelining from his partner’s office to yours. He seems much calmer now, vein no longer popping at his forehead, wrinkles no longer prominent and brows not furrowed. “I know you don’t want to press charges. Tell me if you change your mind, but the entire firm is getting a restraining order against both parties. She will not be allowed to be within five hundred meters of this office building.”   There’s an extended silence.   The lawyer nods, having nothing more to say and he turns to walk out. “Hoseok.” Your voice stops him. “Thank you.”   “It’s a given,” he murmurs in an oddly softer tone and then turns so you can see the profile of his visage. The edge of his mouth lifts. “You’re my responsibility, you know....even if you are a headache.”   You smile back at him and he leaves.

//

As usual, with the new low, comes a new high. And you can only hope naively that things stay this way forever. Rumours of what Kei did to you spread and they evolve to become wilder versions — ones where you threw yourself in front of Hoseok and protected him, or she had hired a hitman to harm people in the office, but you blocked the entrance and protected them. If anything, you’re amused over these stories.   But more importantly, the employees of the firm become more pleasant towards you, like when you first joined and won their trust. Maybe they turned a new leaf because they finally realized your job wasn’t as jolly and chummy as it seemed on the outside. Maybe they felt guilty since in the back of their minds, they knew you were being shunned. Maybe their kindness derives from pity.   Whatever the case may be, you don’t mind.   The others are surprised at how Sebin is close to you. She chooses to sit beside you during lunchtime in the break room and chatters on happily. She even tells you how she got accepted into the first post-secondary institution of her choosing and Hoseok wrote her one of the best recommendation letters that brought her to tears; it turns out the lawyer isn’t angry that she isn’t staying.   Before the paralegal leaves, everyone celebrates with cake in the conference room, bidding her goodbye and telling her to visit. You’re sad that one of your best friends have left, but it doesn’t last too long when Seulgi invites you out to lunch one afternoon and the two of you have a fun chat. Even Sunyi has returned to your office every other day to do her regular complaints about Yoongi.   Things are good.   For the most part.   “Good morning.”   “Morning.”   The elevator doors shut and the tension between you two and the small space is enough to suffocate you. You should’ve known he was close behind you and maybe you would’ve waited for another elevator or took the stairs. Sure, you probably would’ve ended up sticky with sweat, but it would be better than standing alone next to Jung Hoseok.   All you do is focus on the rising numbers flashing over the doors….   Until there’s a large ‘clack’, the floor jolting and causing you to grip the side bars. The overhead lights flash for a moment. The bulbs die off, engulfing you in darkness before flickering back on.   “That doesn’t sound good,” you mutter underneath your breath and Hoseok moves to spam the elevator buttons. They don’t light up. The elevator doesn’t move. The numbers stay the same.   He curses and hits the ‘call for help’ button.   “Not again.” He fishes out his phone and speed dials Jimin. At the same time, the intercom flares to life and he doesn’t wait for them. “We’re stuck in elevator two between floors seven and eight.”   The woman on the other side remains impassive. “We’re on our way.”   Jimin doesn’t pick up and he hangs up with a sigh. Wonderful. As if being in the same elevator with just Hoseok wasn’t painful enough, now you were trapped with him. Trapped. For god knows how long.   “Does….” You attempt to break the silence and you finally shift to look at him. “Does this happen often?”   “Often enough for it not to be surprising,” Hoseok mutters and sits on the ground. You decide to follow his lead, moving to lean up against the corner of the elevator with your legs out in front of you. There’s a moment of quiet before the lawyer speaks, “The last time this damn elevator did this, it was stuck for four hours.”   He pauses and looks at you, smooth timbre quieting, “We should designate a peeing corner. My bladder is beginning to hurt.”   Your eyes are full of horror. “Wh-what?”   “I’m kidding!” He laughs at your expression. The sound of his laughter is tinkling, foreign to your ears. It’s as if sunshine itself is emitting from his mouth. “In what world would I actually piss in the corner of an elevator? And we’ll probably get out here in ten minutes.”   “Oh.” It was a joke.   Hoseok’s little chuckles fade off and he looks at you with a smile. “Lighten up, you always act like I’m going to bite your head off.”   “Aren’t you?” Underneath your placid exterior, you’re shaken from his lightheartedness and teasing. At the moment, you’re not too sure who’s sitting next to you and if this is the same man who rules the office with an iron fist. But you know this is also a part of him he doesn’t show in the firm — though it painfully reminds you of something long ago.   “That would get me arrested and trust me, you don’t want to see prison version of Hoseok.”   You grin at how he refers to himself in third person. “What’s prison version of Hoseok?”   “Someone who tries to escape and fails and ends up crying pathetically on a cold prison floor with a tramp stamp tattoo of a red butterfly,” he drones on and ends up sounding completely done with his life. You can’t help the giggles that bubble up your throat and he smiles, able to make both your predicaments better.   The elevator suddenly creaks, sounding like nuts and bolts tumbling and you quirk your head to one side, grabbing the bar by your head tighter. “The elevator won’t suddenly fall, right? We won’t die, right?”   “Don’t worry. If we do, the building will be liable for our deaths and Jimin will sue them.”   “Great to know I’ll have a chunk of money in my coffin,” you deadpan and this time, he’s the one laughing. You watch the way his mouth draws up slightly into a heart shape when he’s grinning and how his eyes crinkle softly. The words spill before you can stop them. “Do you really not remember?”   His laughs slowly fade away, the last of them streaming from his chest before he looks over at you, tilting his chin towards you, lips together but still pulled into a smile. “Remember what?”   You stare at him for a moment before tearing your eyes to the closed silver doors. “Never mind.”   “No.” He won’t take no for an answer, not when his irises are sparkling with both mischief and curiosity. “What is it?”   “Nothing.” You shrug. “There’s no point if you don’t remember. It was like twelve years ago.”   “What? Did you do me wrong and now I don’t remember?”   “Not telling.”   “Tell,” he demands childishly and leans over like he’s going to crawl closer to you. You’d rather climb up the elevator shaft like Spiderman and end up dying because you’re not Spiderman than to have him close the already small distance between the two of you.   “Okay fine!” Luckily, he stops moving and you swallow hard. “I freeloaded off a group project with you.” You watch his reaction. “If you didn’t notice on my résumé, we went to the same university. But actually, we were also in the same finance class in our second year together. It was a long time ago.”   “That’s it?” An endeared expression appears on his features. “That’s what you were so worried about?”   “Of course, I’m worried! I freeloaded off of you! We were supposed to meet at a library, but I was in a board game club and I ditched you because I was winning at Monopoly.” As if it helps, you add on, “Which I ended up winning, by the way.”   “Really?” The little shit is grinning, finding your story all the too amusing, from how you were in a board game club to how you actually knew each other and not just by name.   “We failed.”   “Well, that’s not too bad.” He muses, “Thought there was something deeper or more important.”   “It was forty percent of our grade,” you counter.   There’s a bit of a pause and then he shrugs. “.....I still made it as a lawyer and you made it as an HR member.”   Since all of this is out and the open, you figure you might as well spill all the beans. “And you may or may not have asked me out to a coffee date, but I rejected you.” A part of you almost hopes that he’ll remember. Except, he doesn’t.   “Okay, now I’m just hurt.” He puts a hand over his chest where his heart should be, an over dramatic reaction and he gasps. “How could you?” You laugh and he smiles at the sound, arm dropping into his lap. “Sounded like we were friends back then.”   “Acquaintances,” you correct.   “Well, the past is the past and it’s not like I can even remember, so you can stop tiptoeing around me.”   “I’m not tiptoeing!” You defend, despite it being a complete lie. For the first time, you actually feel at ease being in Hoseok’s presence, like the weight of the past is no longer on your shoulders. It’s nice to talk to him like this, like the both of you are adults with no baggage or resentments.   “Yeah, you are.” His eyebrow is cocked. “I know the rest of them are scared of me, but they have reason to be. You don’t. You haven’t fucked up yet.”   You’re surprised. “I haven’t?”   “Annoying if anything, but no, you haven’t really.”   “I’m glad.” You smile to yourself, fiddling with your fingers and looking in your lap. There’s another thought that comes into your mind, but you wonder if you would be overstepping your boundaries. Still, you can’t imagine a better time than now. Your voice is a soft whisper when you speak, full of hesitancy, “Was your accident that bad that you can’t remember anything?”   “Hey!” He scoffs in offence. “I remember everything. Just not the small details like acquaintances and stuff. But yeah, I hit a lamp post on the highway and ended up in the hospital for a year of recovery. It was rough.”   “I’m sorry.”   “It’s fine. It actually worked out in the end since Jimin came to me and told me he had plans of opening a law firm one day and wanted me as a partner. That helped me get off my ass and I finished my third year of law school, did a year of articling for another divorce firm, and then Jimin and I started this place.”   “That’s really amazing.” The words spill out in awe.   “A lot of sleepless nights.”   “But you made it.”   “Sure did.” He turns to gaze at you. “You did too.”   “Yeah…”   The ten-minute estimate turns into twenty and with enough of Hoseok yelling over the intercom for what’s taking so long, you both eventually get freed from the elevator. The paralegals end up crowding you after, asking if being trapped with Hoseok for that long was as horrible as it seemed and if you wanted to hit your head on the walls and die, but you only shrug and keep your responses positive.   In reality, you enjoyed talking to him a lot. You missed it.   Hoseok disappears for the rest of the day for court proceedings, Yoongi and Taehyung following him and giving him a headache with their bickering. It’s almost as if the conversation and reconnection never happened and you’re a bit disappointed, but then the next day, you have him knocking on your door.   “Is there something wrong?”   “No.” He plops down his second coffee on your desk and takes a sip with the one in his right hand. You stare at the cup, not sure what he wants you to do with it or if he’s putting it down temporarily. “It’s yours.”   You hold it, looking up at him. “Mine?”   “It’s my offering of our truce.”   Truce. Hoseok ends up leaving without looking at you and your bright smile.   In your life, you’ve never had such delicious coffee before.

[howtolistentomusic]

There's a radio sitting atop a pile of boxes. I grab it and hand it over to Carlos. He sets the device on the edge of the container and pushes the power button. We're greeted with a burst of static. He fiddles with the tuner until he stumbles upon "Wicked" by Future. 

"Aw yeah!" he says as he turns the volume way up. "Some real music! Anthony, take notes!"

"I'm insulted by the implication that I don't listen to hip-hop."

"You bump 2Pac between Justin Bieber songs?" David says.

"Hell yeah I do!"

"Guacha!" David says. 

Pronounced as if a stressed "ah" sound is added at the end of the English word watch, guacha is a Spanish verb for "look." Informally, though, it means something more like I approve! It's typically complimentary though it often carries a connotation of surprise that can come off as condescending. Against all odds, David basically said to me, I'm impressed. Welcome to the big boys club.

"2Pac is the greatest rapper of all time," Carlos says.

"Well, I don't know about that."

Don't get me wrong. I genuinely do like 2Pac. I grew up in Southern California, after all. But the GOAT? There's no way. He's a compelling figure for many reasons but too many others can rap circles around him.

"Listen to All Eyez On Me," Carlos says.

"Illmatic is better."

"What the fuck is that?"

It's the classic and hugely influential debut album by Nas, in case you're rooming with Carlos and Patrick Star.

"Life's a bitch and then you die!" Ruben sings.

"That's why we get high! 'Cause you never know when you're gonna go!"

"Damn, Ant!" David says. "Who would have thought?" 

It's unclear whether he recognizes "Life's a Bitch", Illmatic's track three stunner, or if he's simply surprised that I made a weed reference. 

"What else are you bumping?" David asks.

"Wu-Tang. Souls of Mischief. Big L—"

"The Based God?" Carlos says. "He fucking sucks!"

"That's Lil B, dumbass."

Dude doesn't know Big L from Lil B and he's never heard Illmatic. And yet here he is, trying to lecture me about hip-hop. Get the fuck out of here.

"Whatever. You're fucking old," Carlos says.

Touché. But I'm trying to keep up. I'm certainly on the Playboi Carti and Lil Uzi Vert bandwagons. "wokeuplikethis*" and "XO Tour Lif3" are great. I have a hard time understanding the appeal of Migos though.

Carlos grabs some bags from the edge of the container. When he turns to dump them into the proper gaylords, I glance at the radio. It's beckoning like a glowing pickup in a video game. I can't resist. Being cool is overrated anyways.

I tune to Live 105.5. "Good For You" by Selena Gomez is playing. 

"Hell yes!" I say.

My coworkers laugh.

"Of course you would listen to this bullshit!" Carlos says.

Bullshit? Ok, I get it. So it's totally cool to want to fuck Selena Gomez. It's totally cool to mime and graphically detail the sexual acts you'd perform on her if given the chance, as a few of the guys did a while back when a Spring Breakers DVD came through the warehouse. Respecting the art she creates, though? Nah. Too much.

"Wanna show you how proud I am to be yours," I sing. "Leave this dress a mess on the floor!"

Two yeas ago one of my favorite music writers, Katherine St. Asaph, wrote some brilliant work inspired by "Good for You". Her Singles Jukebox blurb, in which she rates the song a 9 out of 10, is a masterpiece. And in a review of Revival for Time Magazine, she vividly wrote that the song "makes looking good for her man sound like searing a part of herself dead." Despite such a convincing case for the song's merits, however, I can't bring myself to like "Good For You" all that much. It's boring and rote and I totally prefer "Hands to Myself". In a place like this, though, I'll fucking take it. After all, remaining myself while simultaneously playing "dude" well enough to avoid ostracization by my coworkers is a balance I struggle with every time I step foot into this warehouse, so it feels really good to fill the room with a piece of my world for once while these fuckers are forced to deal with it.

"I just wanna look good for ya, good for ya," I sing. "Uh huh."

"Alright," Carlos says as the song winds down. "It's over." 

He tunes the radio back to hip-hop just as Anna screams "Break!"

"Fuck," Carlos says as he turns off the device. ***

As usual, I beat the entire crew back to the dock. I hop into the container, turn on the radio and adjust the station.

"Reck a less bee hayve YA ah!" the radio pronounces.

Zayn Malick! Totally over One Direction, rhyming.

"Turn that shit up!" Donald says as the guys finally find their way back to roll-off. "This is my jam!"

"Let's start a boy band, Donald!" I say.

"I'm down!" 

David laughs. Carlos shakes his head.

"I'm seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure," Donald sings. He's not kidding; he genuinely seems to like this song. "Nobody but you, 'body but me, 'body but us, bodies together!"

While I'm thrilled to have a temporary companion in poptimism, I must point out that this song sucks. I wish I could play "Little Black Dress" instead. I wonder what the guys would think of that particular track, which pits a traditional dude's reverence for classic rock against his hatred of boy bands.

"That's your last one," Carlos says as "Pillowtalk" gives way to a commercial. 

He tunes back to the hip-hop station. "Hold On, We're Going Home" is playing and I have to stifle a laugh. Be careful what you wish for, I think to myself.

Carlos can't stand Drake. He's told me as much. He's a fucking pussy were his exact words. Of course, he'd be loath to admit that now, when control of the radio is at stake. I decide to stoke the fire.

"'Cause you're a good girl and you know it!'" I sing.

"Why do you like literally the worst shit?" Carlos says.

"I can change the station if you prefer," I say as I reach for the radio.

"Leave it!" he says.

"Yes, daddy!"

As soon as he turns his back, I tune back to pop. Mass groaning ensues as Shawn Mendes goes on about stitches. Carlos, however, is silent. He's standing still as a statue, staring me down.

***

If the warehouse gave out game balls at the end of each shift, Carlos would have more than the rest of roll-off combined. This is despite the fact that the dude is hardly physically intimidating. Indeed, the contrast between his tough guy persona and his tiny 5"2' frame is a gift that keeps on giving. One time, in an exercise designed to lighten the mood after a slog of a safety meeting, management made the entire staff of the warehouse line up on the floor of the line, single-file, tallest on the right and shortest on the left. There were approximately 30 people in the building and only a single woman was standing to the left of Carlos. It took the roll-off team hours to get all the laughter out of our system.

Carlos isn't particularly funny or clever either. While his insults come fast and furiously, they tend to be the predictable nonsense you would expect from someone that still considers "gay" a burn in the year of our Lord 2017. It's the same sort of mockery I've been dealing with my whole life. The words themselves don't really bother me.

But Carlos will wear you down through sheer attrition. His short fuse, gangbanger ethics and the fact that he values his pride over his job give him a willingness to escalate that's difficult to compete with. I once witnessed him empty an entire can of shaving cream onto the face of poor old man Kenneth. He also once swung a bag of hard toys, with all his might, at Donald after the two got into a heated argument. Then there was the time he was in a bad mood and discreetly coated some furniture with that aerosol "snow" stuff—the kind that people use on their windows as a Christmas decoration—in the hopes that some naive rube would ruin their clothes.

So I'm not sure what Naive Rube was thinking in perpetuating this tug-of-war over a stupid radio. Perhaps I felt like I deserved a fucking break. Roll-off already has a radio, after all. Sure, Anna controls the station. But everyone seems fine enough, usually, with the soul and R&B she prefers.

In any case, I'm not in the mood for Carlos' shit today.

***

I place a box of books at the edge of the container, right in front of Carlos.

"Are you just gong to stand there?" I ask.

"Give back the radio, you fucking pussy!" Carlos says. "Nobody wants to hear this pop shit!"

I know, dumbass. That's why this is so much fun.

"Give it back!" he repeats. He swipes for the radio but I grab it and place it out of his reach.

Carlos slices a bag of clothes with his pocketknife.

"I'm going to fuck you up!" he says. "Stupid little bitch! I'm going to fuck you up!"

"Cool story, bro."

"Are you really not gong to give it back?"

I laugh. Look, this entire thing is petty as fuck but the dude's entitlement really is something else.

"Give it back simply because you told me to? I'll pass but thanks."

"I'm going to give you one last chance," he says.

"Oh noes! Make sure you play some Justin Bieber at my funeral."

Carlos is fucking seething. He pulls the still-as-a-statue move again in an attempt to intimidate but roll-off simply functions around him. Nobody else seems to care much about the radio war and that's fine by me. When Carlos finally realizes that his protest isn't going to work, he grabs the box of books and gets back to business. Apollo for the win!

As an alternative kid with a preference for dark clothing and bulky accessories, the sun has long been the bane of my existence. This is especially true as I age, as one of the ways I temper insecurities about my ever-expanding waistline is by burying myself in layers. Today, however, the sun is an unlikely ally in my ongoing struggle against Carlos. It's 100 degrees out, see, and when it's this hot outside the container becomes almost unbearable, the metal walls stubbornly retaining the heat in a way that feels like you're working in a giant oven.

Pushing donations from inside the container is typically a two-person task but nobody else is up for it today. And the emptier it becomes, the safer I seem to be getting from Carlos' antagonism as I place the radio further and further from his reach. For a glorious hour I have the device all to myself. Ariana Grande! Lady Gaga! Hailee Steinfeld! Rihanna! I'm singing along, dancing like a maniac, and feeling pretty damn good. Then I hear a loud crash. 

I turn around. Carlos is standing at the foot of the container, a crate of dishes in front of him.

I've seen this before. God forbid there's glass around when Carlos is angry because he'll start chucking it, his aim loose enough for probable deniability but accurate enough to make life hell. 

He grabs a plate and throws it my way. It shatters near my feet. 

"Calm the fuck down!" I say. 

"Give me the radio."

"Come and get it.

Carlos hops into the container. Fuck. Here we go.

Of course, he's not grabbing anything without going through me first. It's too damn empty in here. I step towards him to obstruct his path. We meet in the middle of the container. Our faces are inches apart.

One, Mississippi. Two, Mississippi. Three, Mississippi. Four, Mississippi. Five, Mississippi. Six—

"Fuck this gay ass music," he finally says. Then he turns and walks away. *** A short time later we finish unloading the container. Two hours remain in the workshift but supervisor Stella tells us that we won't be getting more trucks until tomorrow. She assigns the guys to other tasks in the building while I stay behind on the dock to tidy up.

For good measure, I empty the batteries from the radio and throw them in a bin designated for hazardous materials. Then I smash the radio on the floor, throw the pieces in the electronics gaylord, then pull it inside the warehouse.

Give me my damn game ball.