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lvnleah · 6 hours

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015. | Newborn Days

bit of an emotional one, strap in :)

word count: 2k

find the series masterlist here!

April 27th 2024 | 4 weeks old.

You always knew that having a newborn baby wouldn’t be easy, but you never expected the way your postpartum body would affect you.

The sleepless nights and endless feedings were exhausting, sure, but nothing compared to the wave of emotions that surged every time you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. It wasn’t just that your body was different; it was the way it felt foreign like it belonged to someone else entirely.

You would stand there, staring at your reflection, and struggle to reconcile the image before you with the person you used to be. The woman who had been confident in her skin was nowhere to be found.

In her place was a body marked by the life it had created, and while you were proud of that, it didn’t make it any easier to accept. The stretch marks, the soft and squidgy belly, the curves that hadn’t been there before—each was a reminder of the ways you had changed, and you couldn’t help but feel embarrassed by it all. You found yourself hiding, even from Leah, covering up at every opportunity and avoiding her touch as if it would burn you.

Leah noticed, of course. How could she not? But she had been patient, giving you space, waiting for you to come to her. She had always been that way, never one to push too hard. But as the weeks went on, you could feel the strain between you growing, a tension that neither of you knew how to address.

Today was no different. You had spent the morning in a fog, going through the motions of caring for Finley while trying to push aside the gnawing anxiety that clung to you like a shadow. Leah had left early for training, it was her first week back. You knew she was struggling too, trying to balance her demanding career with the new realities of motherhood, and the last thing you wanted was to add to her burden.

As the day wore on, the weight of your emotions became harder to ignore. By the time Leah returned home, you were exhausted—physically, emotionally, in every way possible. Finley had finally drifted off to sleep, and you were grateful for the quietness.

Leah found you sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at the floor. She had showered and changed after training at the training centre, her hair still damp. She looked as beautiful as ever, her athletic frame only made you feel worse as you mourned the one you used to have. You couldn’t help but compare your postpartum body to hers, and the gap between what you saw in yourself and what you saw in her felt like it was suffocating you.

“Hey pretty girl,” Leah said softly, walking over to you and crouching down in front. “You okay?”

You nodded automatically, “Yeah, just tired. It’s been a long day.”

Leah didn’t look convinced. She sat down beside you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder. For a moment, neither of you spoke, the silence thick with the weight of everything left unsaid. Finally, Leah reached out, her hand brushing lightly against yours.

“Talk to me,” she said gently. “Please, pretty girl.”

It was the kindness in her voice that undid you. The tears came suddenly, hot and fast, and you couldn’t hold them back.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out, burying your face in your hands. “I’m so sorry, Leah.”

Leah was quick to pull you into her arms, holding you close as you sobbed against her shoulder. “Hey, hey, don’t apologise,” she murmured, her voice steady and soothing. “You don’t have to apologise for anything. Just tell me what’s going on.”

You took a shaky breath, trying to steady yourself. “It’s my body,” you finally admitted, the words tumbling out in a rush. “I hate it, Leah. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I feel… I feel disgusting, and I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Leah pulled back just enough to look at you, her brow furrowed in concern. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” she asked softly, her hand coming up to wipe away your tears. “Why you won’t let me touch you?”

You nodded, feeling a wave of shame wash over you. “I didn’t want you to see me like this,” you whispered. “I didn’t want you to be disgusted by me.”

Leah’s expression softened, and she cupped your face in her hands, forcing you to meet her gaze. “I could never be disgusted by you,” she said firmly. “I love you—every part of you. Your body is incredible. It gave us Finley, and I’m in awe of it, of you. You’re still the woman I fell in love with, and nothing could ever change that.”

You wanted to believe her, but the insecurities ran deep, and it was hard to let go of the negative thoughts that had taken root in your mind. “But it’s different,” you insisted, your voice breaking. “I’m different.”

Leah nodded, acknowledging your feelings without dismissing them. “I know it’s different,” she said gently. “And I know it’s hard. But different doesn’t mean worse. You’re still you, and I still want you, love. I want all of you—your body, your heart, your mind. Every part of you.”

“I’m scared,” you confessed, your voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know how to feel okay in my own skin anymore.”

Leah’s grip on you tightened, “You don’t have to figure it out alone,” she promised. “We’ll work through this together, one day at a time. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you,” you whispered, the words carrying a weight of gratitude and hope.

“I love you too,” Leah replied, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “More than anything. Wanna cuddle in bed for a bit?”

You nodded your head, “That would be nice.”

Leah gave you a soft smile as she gently helped you settle onto the bed, pulling the covers over the two of you. She wrapped her arms around you, pulling you close against her chest. The warmth of her body and the steady rhythm of her breathing gradually began to soothe your frayed nerves. The scent of her, familiar and comforting, made you feel safe, as though for a moment, the worries that had consumed you were held at bay.

For a while, you both lay there in silence, Leah’s fingers lightly tracing patterns on your back. You could feel the tension in your muscles slowly begin to ease away, your breaths syncing with hers as you allowed yourself to relax in her embrace.

Leah's voice was a quiet murmur in your ear as she began to speak, “You’re not alone in this, y’know. I’m here, always.”

You cuddled closer to her. "Thank you," you whispered, “I love you so much.”

Leah kissed the top of your head, her lips lingering as she held you tighter. "I mean it, love. I’m so proud of you, and I love every part of you, just as you are. We’ll figure this out together. I love you more.”

As you lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, a calmness you hadn’t felt in weeks began to settle within you. Leah's words reminded you that you were loved, that you were not defined by the changes in your body, and that you had someone by your side who cherished you for who you were.

The peace was short-lived but precious, as the baby monitor crackled, Finley’s soft cries pulling you both back into reality. Leah sighed softly, giving you a reassuring squeeze before reluctantly pulling away.

“Looks like our little man is awake,” she said with a smile.

You nodded. “Yeah, I’ll go get him,” you offered, but Leah shook her head.

“No, you stay here,” she said gently. “I’ll get him. You need a break.”

You smiled at her gratefully, watching as she got out of bed and padded over to the door. As Leah left the room to tend to Finley, you lay back against the pillows, a small smile playing on your lips. The conversation with Leah had lifted a weight off your shoulders, and though you knew there were still challenges ahead, for the first time in a long while, you felt like you could face them.

Leah returned a few moments later, Finley in her arms, his tiny face scrunched up in a cry that had yet to reach its full volume. She settled back onto the bed beside you, cradling him as she handed him over to you. “He missed his mama,” she said softly.

“Oh hi baby boy,” you cooed as you got ready to feed him, “Are you hungry?”

Finley’s little hands brushed against his face as a little cry escaped him. You helped him latch on, his cries instantly stopping as he began to eat. Leah watched you with a smile as you cradled Finley close, her eyes filled with love and admiration. Leah leaned back against the headboard, her hand resting on your knee, offering silent support.

When Finley was finally settled and full, his tiny eyelids drooping with the onset of sleep, Leah gently took him from your arms, placing him into his Moses basket beside the bed. She returned to your side and helped you stand up, her hand slipping into yours, her thumb brushing over your knuckles in a comforting gesture.

“Why don’t we take a shower?” Leah suggested softly, “I think it’ll help you feel a bit better, a bit more human.”

You hesitated for a moment, the thought of being vulnerable in front of her making your heart race with anxiety. “But what about Finn he won’t sleep for—.”

“Finley will be just fine, we’ll be right beside him.” Leah reassured you, “We’ll have the baby monitor and he’ll be okay.”

You nodded in agreement. “Okay,” you whispered. “Let’s take a shower.”

Leah smiled and led you to the bathroom, turning on the shower to let the water warm up. The steam began to fill the room, and Leah slowly helped you undress, her touch gentle. She treated each movement as if it were sacred, a tender act of love rather than something to be ashamed of.

“You’re beautiful,” she murmured, as she placed a kiss on your bare shoulder. “So, so beautiful.”

A lump formed in your throat, but you didn’t shy away from her gaze this time. Instead, you let the words sink in, trying to believe them, if only a little.

Leah undressed as well, and then she guided you into the shower. The warm water cascaded over you both, and you closed your eyes, feeling the tension slowly melt away as the heat seeped into your muscles. Leah’s hands were gentle as she began to wash your body, her touch soothing and affectionate. She took her time, making sure you felt cared for and loved.

“You’re not just my partner you know?” she said softly. “You’re my best friend, the mother of our child, and the woman I’m going to love for the rest of my life. And I promise you, we’re going to get through this together.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, but this time they were tears of love. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, turn around and I’ll wash your hair yeah?” She offered, “I’ll help you dry it too, you don’t need to worry.”

You turned around with a smile and let Leah wash your hair gently. Her hands gave you a soft massage as she rubbed in the shampoo before washing it out.

When you finally stepped out of the shower, Leah wrapped you in a fluffy towel, helping you dry off with the same care she had shown before. She helped you into some comfortable clothes, her actions gentle and loving. She helped you dry your hair, Finley still asleep in his Moses basket as she did so.

As you both headed back to bed, despite it being only 3 pm, Leah slipped in beside you, pulling you close against her. The two of you lay there in the quiet, Finley’s soft breathing filling the room.

Leah’s hand slipped under your shirt as you cuddled into her, “We’re going to be okay.”

You nodded, as she drew patterns on your back gently. “Yeah,” you whispered back, resting your head on her shoulder. “We will.”

#lvnleah #awfc #leah williamson #leah williamson x reader #the williamson’s #finley williamson

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samkerrworshipper · 2 hours

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the lawn is dead

it’s suicide awareness month and i want to emphasise the importance of reaching out. you are loved. there are options. you will be missed. suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. you can get better. you are not a lost cause. talk to somebody.

warnings: reader discretion advised. heavy suicide, self harm, depression themes

There was an overall assumption that all children were born innocent.

Not you.

You swore that when you were born, a coin was flipped, and it landed on the complete wrong side.

Sometimes you felt like your brain and body were disconnected, that everything inside of you worked separately, like you were a sewed together body on the inside, a internal frankenstein.

It was tough feeling like you didn’t belong in your own boyd, but it was even harder when you knew that you were an imposter inside.

It was ironic, that you had imposter syndrome, and yet there was nothing wrong with your life.

There had been.

Had. No longer. Past tense.

You’re supposed to be happy, you suppose. You have the world at your feet, you have the life everybody wants, the world is your oyster.

It doesn’t matter how many times you rotate those thoughts through your split up brain, it never sinks in, because there is a deeply onset belief inside of you that can’t deny the dishonesty behind the words.

You should be happy, you should be utilising the gifts you’ve been given, you should be appreciating the life you have, and yet all of it just feels like a big ball of tangled up yarn, a clump of knots and mess that makes no sense.

You’re not allowed to feel numb, so you try and pinpoint what it is that you are feeling.

Are is too hard, so you start with aren’t.

You aren’t mad, you aren’t sad or it doesn’t feel like normal sadness, you’re definitely not happy, not scared, are not anxious, it feels like nothingness.

Yet nothingness doesn’t feel so all consuming, nothingness is lying in bed down in bed and doomscrolling until somehow 8 hours have passed and you’ve wasted a whole day and don’t find yourself caring. Nothingness is sitting down in the shower and covering your ears with your hands and finding solace in the intense rain noises. Nothingness is driving until you forget where you were supposed to be going and have autopiloted your way to the opposite side of town somehow. Nothingness is being so obsolete of your own body that everything is a fog, nothing makes sense, you’re devoid of all emotions and all the discombobulated sections of your body.

If anything, this is everythingness, this is all the feelings in the world beating down across your skin. You’re itching with agitation, itching with everything in your life and yet none of it penetrates the surface beyond the rotor of thoughts that continue to circulate like the blood in your veins.

It’s like your sitting inside a plastic bubble, and every variable is crashing down against the plastic. It’s all there, it’s crashing down, but it doesn’t touch you, it doesn’t penetrate, there is just a constant reminder that it’s all there. If you try to break out of the bubble you’re forced to face it, but you feel like you’re suffocating and the bubble is slowly depriving you of oxygen.

A part of you wouldn’t mind for it to suck the life out of you.

Sometimes it’s inevitable, letting the thoughts in your brain win, or syncing the truth out so much that it all distorts into a messy mixture of non-emotions that are more hurtful then helpful.

You’re in a weird funk, that’s hwat you keep telling yourself. With injuries and off-season and change of seasons. You tell yourself that it’s unescapable, that there aren’t any ways to escape the deadly habit that is you’re self-inflicted brain rotting and slowly decomposing.

There are outlets, there are options, but in it;s current state you’re brain denounces them all.

Occasionally, you’re brain falls into the same death trap that it was conditioned into as a child. Survival was solely your own responsisbility, there was no leaning, no relying, just yourself and your own strategies that occasionally kept you functioning.

Most of the time you were fine, most of the time you were able to isolate the darkest, disconnected fragments of your body but not all the time.

Sometimes you don’t though.

Every so often, you suffocate yourself, intentionally or unintentionally isn’t always clear, sometimes you’re so lacking on oxygen and everything that makes survival a possibility that you just stop. Those times, when you stop, when you fall, when you plummet. It’s when you drop into the death pit of unthinkable thoughts.

It’s when you get to the part of your brain that you wish had never been stitched up with all the others.

You try and avoid it, if you work hard on a normal day then you can normally disconnect it from the functioning parts that you rely on, but occasionally, when you’re left to fend for yourself that one part that’s normally off, lights up like a christmas tree.

It flashes bright red, like a alarm in the deepest parts of your brain, and it won’t stop flashing until you do something about it.

You’ve got coping mechanisms that you’ve developed over the years, running, football, eating, cooking, reading, sleeping, sex. None of it has even begun to strike the surface, normally your best bet was sleeping it off, depression, or depressive thoughts always seemed to fade with sunlight, it was the moments in the dark when everything suddenly felt… heavier.

You hadn’t been able to sleep since you’d gotten injured, everything was harder when you had so much weight on your back. Weight to recover, weight to get stronger, weight to be the same on the pitch.

It was a minor injury, some grief with your ankle ligaments that weren’t actually injured but also weren’t fixed, it was annoying, and everyday was a drag.

A drag of back and forth recovery and rest that had your mind buzzing from the inside.

It was no secret that you didn’t handle injuries well, you craved the physicality of being a professional athlete, your brain needed the stimulation that it involved. Without it, you struggled, it was clear to everybody around you that you couldn’t function sitting on the sidelines, it had inevitably made you crazy.

You were walking on eggshells, your friends had tried to point it out to you and you’d ignored it up until now.

It was impossible to ignore it at this stage though.

It was all you could think about, the constant pain, the overwhelming brain fuzz, the weight of it all.

Over and over and over and over and over again.

Your hands are shaking, your breaths are staggered, your skin is prickly, your throat is dry, your body is cold and there is a deep set pain in the centre of your stomach that no matter how many times you try and shift it away nothing works.

You’re too deep.

Your whole life, it had always been your biggest wish that the part of you that was broken and threaded together would fix itself, medication made it manageable, therapy made it calmer, but sometimes in life it was impossible to contain the uncontainable. Life was unpredictable, and yet your circumstances were on trend with how your life had been recently.

You should have seen this coming, but a part of you thinks that you did and you’d been content with letting all of these thoughts infiltrate deep in your mind.

Sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror, and you can’t even notice it, it’s like all of the pain and trauma will fall so far from the surface on occasion that you’re foolish enough to believe that maybe it’s all finally gone.

Not now, not at all.

But a part of you wants to make it all gone.

It’s all you can think about, you know how easy it would be, you have it all planned out.

The letters are written, the plan has been made for years, it’s your execution that is lacking.

You aren’t scared, you are more than happy for a big blac cloud of nothingness to come and take you from your life, it would make it all so much easier.

You just need to know that you’ll succeed.

Failure is not an option, in ever single part of your life it hasn’t ever been. But specifically with your life.

If you’re out, you’re out, end of sentence.

There isn’t any recovery, there isn’t any coming back, no psych holds, no hospitals, no treatment, just death. It’s an answer, it’s conclusive. Right now it would solve all of your problems, literally, you could count on every single finger and toe how it would solve the fucked-up puzzle of your life. Normally, there is always something holding you back though. Football had been the main excuse for most times, the headlines would be miserable and all of the fuss and fake-sentiment would be so much worse. Once it had been because you were in love, and that was the best reason. But, like most thing you were unable to keep it alive, and so it died out.

It was all a metaphor for your life, football had been good, until it all slowly self-detonated, love had been good but you were a ticking time bomb of sabotage.

It would be oh so easy.

You knew the tips and tricks, you’d been thinking about it for years. Four long vertical lines, deep enough to need stitches but not deep enough that it would all fade immediately. You wanted to feel the pain, you wanted it all to be a big black and red painful mess, your vision swimming and body giving up because of the pain, not because of the damage you’d done.

It sounded so perfect.

It would be oh so easy, nobody would even notice, it would probably be days before anybody even realised you were gone. You would fade from earth and life like nothing, and nobody would care, and you were happy for it to be that way. You were happy to just disappear, you wanted it all to end.

It’s all hitting that hard, you don’t want help, you don’t want to feel normal, you don’t want treatment, you don’t want meds, you just want to be gone. You normally experience life with so many emotions, too many, but right now, in the bubble of your depression, the only think you feel is a desire to vanish.

There isn’t any hesitation, nothing holding you back as you pick up your poison of choice. It’s always been the same since you were a teenager, you’ve known how you’d go out from the minute it had gone downhill from the very first time. That had been a long time ago now, but not much had changed. Sure, maybe your face had matured a bit, you’re body had changed with being a professional athlete, and you weren’t as self destructive but really when it all boiled down nothing had truly changed.

You were the same broken, lost and alone girl that you had always been.

The same girl hiding in the corner of her bathroom in a pair of sweats that made her body seem so much smaller then it was, a razor blade in one shaky hand and the other hand busy forcing the sleeve of her hoodie up, leaving a easily accessible patch of skin.

It was the same old routine, except this time with a different intention.

You had your scars, you had your invisible marks that nobody could see but you. You were as good at hiding them as you were at your depleting mental health. Over the years you’d learnt how to hurt yourself without leaving permanent marks, you’d learnt how to hide it all from the people closest to you.

Until Alexia.

Love made a person dumb, and being in love with Alexia made you happier then you’d ever experienced and from the moment fireworks had gone off between the two of you, your barriers had fallen down. It had been good, until it hadn’t. Once again, you were left all alone, due to your own self-destructive habits. You couldn’t let yourself be happy, you didn’t know what long term happiness looked like for you and it was terrifying.

It had all been downhill from there, if there was no happiness in the future for you then what was the point? Your life was blowing up, football was the only thing you’d ever lived for and you still had football but football wasn’t for ever, if there was nothing beyond that then what was the point. You didn’t have a education, and whilst you earnt a decent amount off of football, it wasn’t enough to live off of, and now you had nobody else to live for.

Your life, from your perspective, had become pointless.

Whilst you were certain that your behaviour and gone unnoticed, that was far from the truth.

Most of your teammates had picked up on your particularly low mood. You weren’t ever the happiest person in the locker room, one of the more lowkey people who always allowed yourself to fade into the shadows. But that didn’t mean that people didn’t notice you, especially the people who had come to care for you.

You were injured, and that had come to be the main justification for your particularly down moods, but there was also a sneaking suspicion across some of your teammates that something more was wrong, that there was some other kind of cause for the way you dragged yourself around the gym and rooms during your days spent doing rehab.

You looked lifeless, like everything human about you had been drained.

Alexia knew it was something more, in her time with you, she’d learnt about your struggles and just when she thought that you’d started to open up to her, you’d cut it all off. So whilst she didn’t know the extensive history, she knew you had your demons, and that whatever was haunting you this time around wasn’t going to dissapear anytime soon.

Alexia could say that she didn’t care about you anymore, but it would make her a liar.

She’d always hoped that the two of you would make your way back to eachother, that you’re insistence that the two of you weren’t meant to be was overshadowed by the doubt you’d always about the relationship would somehow flip and you’d realise no matter how many issues you had Alexia was prepared to love you through all of them.

But as the time passed from the breakup, you only distanced yourself more. The person that Alexia had tried to bring out shrunk right back into it’s shell. Everyone on the team had been elated to see you find your footing with Alexia, it was the first time in your years at Barca that everyone started to meet you as a person and not just as a footballer. Alexia thought it had meant things were looking up for you, but all good things came to an end.

You’d been appearing like you’d slowly been slipping further down a slope, the bags underneath your eyes getting bigger, your sluggish behaviour getting worse, your determination to do you rehab dwindling and your willingness to interact with any person at the club being completely non-existent.

You were anti-social at the best of times, but completely diverting from all interactions was new for you and Alexia hadn’t been the only one to notice, it was evident to anybody with a brain that something was wrong, Alexia had no idea though just how wrong it all was.

The coincidence of an away Madrid game during the time that it was clear you were tanking was something that Alexia was particularly annoyed by. There was no plausible excuse for her to stay back from the trip, she was the captain, and she was perfectly fit to play. Plus, she had no obligation to you, you’d washed your hands of Alexia months ago and whilst Alexia still felt lingering concern for you she couldn’t justify staying back for what could potentially be nothing.

That didn’t mean though that she was going to just leave you be, not when she was so certain that there was something truly wrong.

Alexia wasn’t exactly sure of the severity of your trauma. She knew that your relationship with your parents was frayed to say the least, that you didn’t talk to them at all anymore and every time Alexia had tried to ask about them she had been met with a cold shoulder. So after a few tries she’d stopped trying, she didn’t know what it was like to have a disconnected family, she couldn’t relate or empathise with your issues and it killed her.

She knew you took medications, she had no idea what, you kept your daily medication closely guarded, but she knew it had something to do with your mental health. She didn’t ask about it, Alexia had been through your shut downs with you, and she knew broaching the subject of your mental health could be so detrimental to your mindset. She let you show her as much as you wanted to, she ignored the scars on your body, ignored the way that she recognised the complete disregard you had for your body. It was clear in every single aspect of your life that you had a little bit less concern then everybody else did. You put your body on the line in football, in ways that made Alexia furious. You didn’t flinch away from pain, if anything you stepped into the line of fire.

You hid injuries, you hid sickness, you pushed through it all. It was terrifying for Alexia as a partner to watch you continuously put yourself on the line and act like it was completely nothing. By the end of your relationship it was getting hard to watch it happen.

Your ankle injury was a result of that, you hadn’t even been the one ton sideline yourself. It had fallen down to Irene catching a glimpse of your purple and black swelled up ankle after a training session and her marching you to the team physio to get it checked out. It wasn’t shocking to Alexia, but it did make her wonder how many time you’d chosen to hide your pain in favour of putting up a brave face and pushing through, in all aspects of your life.

Alexia was worried and yet she felt as though she had no right to be.

She’d let you push her away, knowing that in some way or another it could be hurting not just her but you, realisatically she couldn’t do anything about it. If you didn’t want to be in a relationship with her she couldn’t force you, but a part of her thought she might have let go a little to easy.

For her, you would be the one that got away.

She wasn’t ready to let you get away yet though.

Really, if she thought about it, it was Mapi who had highlighted that you weren’t okay, and that maybe it was time for somebody to reach out to you. Mapi had come to care a lot about you, she’d seen how broken both you and Alexia were after the split, Alexia was still functioning though, you seemed like you were losing energy for life as everyday passed.

Mapi had been the one to suggest that she’d check on you whilst everyone else was gone, Mapi being stuck behind with some minor twinges in her knee, it was more precautionary than anything that she took the weekend off. She was more then happy though to be a good friend and spend some extra time with you if it meant getting to the bottom of whatever had been going on.

Her intentions had been to bring around a fresh meal, her mama’s old tapa recipe that always managed to light up Ingrid’s face. If her tapas earned her a way into your apartment then she was hoping to sit down with you, maybe have a chat, watch whatever football watch was on. Something, she wanted some kind of proof that you were okay, that even though you were going through a rough time that you manage, that at some point you would come out of this funk and you would go back to the old version of yourself. Maybe better, maybe you would unearth some kind of happiness from you situation and you would be better off because of it.

Mapi knew the odds of all of that were drastically low, but she was also the optimist of everything, it was the reason that she was so good at making uncomfortable people feel more settled in the team. She knocked on your front door with a extra bit of pep in her, hope that somehow she was going to resolve all of the underlying issues that everyone had been expressing for weeks now but had been too afraid to unearth. Mapi was certain that her approach might actually help, that instead of being the authoritative figure that Alexia, Irene, Marta and Patri were as your captains. Mapi was here as a friend, nothing more and nothing less and she hoped that would maybe encourage you to open up to her.

Mapi waited at least a minute after her initial knock before knocking again.

Your car had been beside Mapi’s when she’d parked downstairs, so she knew you were home. It wasn’t late, but it also wasn’t early enough that Mapi could rule out the possibility of you being asleep. Alexia had shoved her old key to your apartment into Mapi’s hand before she’d left, there weren’t any instructions, but the pure desperation in Alexia’s eyes was making Mapi feel compelled to use it.

Her third knock on the door was met with more silence.

You were probably sleeping.

There were parts of Mapi crawling with the emerging feeling of anxiety, she just needed to see you. You’d skipped your gym session today, something that was extremely abnormal for you, it had been worrying enough for Mapi, but you not responding to her now was sending her into a full on spiral.

“It’s Mapi, if you could open up for me please chica, I have some food for you.”

Mapi doesn’t even hear furniture creak.

She repeats what she said again, and is met with complete silence.

“Chica, are you in there? Are you awake? Just answer me, you don’t have to open the door.”

Mapi, if she looks really hard, can make out the faintest glow underneath your door, maybe a lamp?

Mapi waits a few more seconds, and sprinkles in some aggressive knocks. She’s met with nothing in response.

She digs around desperately in her pocket for the key, her fingers eventually coming into contact with the weight of the key in the back pocket of her jeans.

She pulls it up to the door knob with regret coursing through her veins, she doesn’t feel good about invading your privacy, but she feels even worse about everything else, and it’s all enough to overshadow her concern for your feelings about being left alone. After all, you might just be asleep.

The key makes a click after Mapi turns it counterclockwise twice, Mapi reaches for the door knob, it’s the final barrier between her and you, and without much hesitation she pushes the knob down and it opens.

Mapi shivers with the frigid breeze that comes at her as she steps into your apartment.

As soon as her foot hits your wooden floor she can tell something is off, she doesn’t know what but she can just feel it.

Mapi walks into your apartment slowly, with a quick scan of your kitchen and living space she is certain the room is empty. She leaves her dish of tapas on the couter of your kitchen and surveys the room before hesitantly making her way into your hallway. The door to your guest room is open, so naturally Mapi looks in there first.

“Chica, I came in to drop off some food, are you home?”

Mapi, whilst she can’t physically see you anywhere, has a weird kind of sense that you are here, she’s just not sure where.

The guest room is completely empty, in fact, mapi is sure that there is dust lying on top of the spare sheets. She can’t remember the last time you mentioned having somebody stay, at the very start of your signing to Barca, occasionally girls from your National team would come and visit during breaks. Mapi remembers that time, she wouldn’t have said you were happy, but you seemed a bit more content. It was best Mapi had seen you before Alexia.

Mapi is fairly familiar with your apartment, between game nights, post game drinks and double dates she’d spent enough time in your apartment to know where everything was.

Your main bathroom was empty, leaving your bedroom and ensuite.

Mapi felt like she’d invaded enough of your privacy, your bedroom might be the over step.

But there was the clawing feeling, the same feeling that she’d gotten when she’d walked into the apartment that something was wrong, and she wasn’t going to be able to sleep tonight without getting to the bottom of it.

So with much apprehension, Mapi walks the rest of the way down the hallway and to the door of your bedroom.

Mapi swears that she has sweat through her shirt, even though your apartment feels colder than the Norwegian winter she’d recently experienced.

Her hands are all sweaty, the same they get before any match, she doesn’t know where her nerves are coming from, she doesn’t have anything to worry about, yet.

Mapi knocks as quietly on your bedroom door as possible, she’s made her mind up that if you are sleeping she’ll leave a note with her tapas and take her leave, she doesn’t need to disturb you.

“Chica, I came here to drop some food off, just make a noise and I’ll leave you.”

Mapi waits for what feels like eternity, and after a long stretch of silence she takes the leap.

She opens the door as quietly as possible, and feels defeated when she spots your complete empty bed.

Everything looks normal, in a weird kind of way. Your sheets are made up, almost pedantically. All the corners tucked in and pillows positioned like they would be in a catalogue.

The only light in the room is the light that is filtering in from your ensuite, underneath the door. It’s bright enough that Mapi can see around the room.

She wants to leave. But she can’t, not without checking.

There is a off chance that you’ve gone on a walk, an activity that definitely was not approved by your physios but she supposed you’d never really obeyed them in the first place.

It’s one last room, your apartment seems so devoid of life that Mapi is confident that it’ll be empty.

She tiptoes across your bedroom, everything about this feels so wrong, like she’s invading somebody’s life that she doesn’t even know anything about.

Mapi knocks on your bathroom door.

“Chica, if you’re in there, just let me know and I’ll leave you be.”

Silence. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a squeak.

Mapi’s hand is so sweaty that it nearly slips off of the handle on the door, she doesn’t know why she’s nervous, she doesn’t have any reason to be nervous. Yet it also feels like there are a millon under lying reasons.

Mapi plucks up the courage, because she has to, and twists the knob.

Away games are always a weird mixture of relaxing but also having absolutely no time to yourself.

Alexia’s least favourite part about away games is team bonding. Following the first team dinner of every away trip it’s customary to do some kind of team bonding exercise. She understands that it’s important, but after a long train trip to Madrid the last thing she wants is to spend hours trying to get out of an escape room with no phone and all of the younger girls talking her ear off. What Alexia wants is to get back to the hotel and sleep. Yet she’s stuck in a confined space with girls that she loves but wants nothing more to get away from.

Caro and Keira seem to be in the same mindset as her, the three of them all keeping as far away from the ruckus as possible. After two hours of the madness, Vicky of all people manages to get to the bottom of the puzzle and somehow unlocks the door, Alexia isn’t sure of the logistics of it and she doesn’t really care.

The girls all celebrate as the file out, but there is an overall feeling that everybody is ready to head back to the hotel and go to sleep.

Phones are handed back and Alexia almost pockets hers, to tired to look at whatever messages or instagram notifications she has. But it’s the sea of missed calls that catch her attention.

Alexia’s heart drops.

She’s got dozens of missed calls from Mapi and she knows from the minute she sees her call log that something is wrong.

All Mapi can remember is the amount of blood.

It was so red against your white bathroom tiles.

So much blood. Mapi was certain that there wasn’t that much blood in the human body, and yet it just kept leaking out, even as she pressed your towels to your arm, it kept leaking through.

She vaguely remembers going through her very basic medical training. Checking your pulse, it took a while for her to find it but eventually she does. She doesn’t know if it weak or it’s just her shaking hands that can’t pin your pulse down.

She uses a leftover hair tie on her wrist as a tourniquet, she doesn’t think it’s working but she has nothing else.

Compression.

She vaguely remembers her call with the emergency services, struggling to find words but forcing them out of her mouth because she had to.

The lady on the other side of the phone talks her through it, tells Mapi that she’s doing the right things, she walks Mapi through what to do if you stop breathing. Mapi thinks you are, your chest lifts every so slightly every few seconds, but it’s so subtle Mapi swears she might be imagining it.

The lady tells Mapi that eventually your blood should clot, but Mapi finds it hard to believe. Her hands and shirt are covered in blood, your blood, it’s everywhere, red and thick and it’s overwhelming Mapi. Your bathroom looks like a crime scene, a murder scene, and Mapi supposes it almost is.

When the paramedics show up, Mapi doesn’t know what to do, they’re so methodical. One of them talks to Mapi whilst their partner attends to you, Mapi’s hands are shaking, her hands, covered in your blood. She should have taken that extra medical course that they’d offered all the players at the start of the season, maybe it would have prepared her better. Nothing prepares a person for what Mapi just did though, no amount of medical training or training courses could ever prepare a person for what Mapi just saw.

The paramedic assures Mapi that she did everything right, that you wouldn’t be alive without her, and those words make it all worse. Dead. You could have been dead. The paramedic offers to take Mapi to the hospital with you, but she declines, she needs a minute, she needs to have a second to think about herself. The paramedic tells Mapi the name of the hospital they’ll be taking you and takes her name and number to give to the nurses as your contact.

They whisk you off right in front of Mapi’s eyes.

Your body is white, you look so lifeless.

Once you’re gone, Mapi closes the door to your bathroom, she can’t look in there, not at the raw amount of evidence that you’ve left behind. It’s already all over her body, she doesn’t need to see anymore of it.

She sits down on your tight sheets, and she realises that there is a piece of paper sitting at the edge of your bed, a letter.

Mapi cries when she sees it, she lets it all out.

It’s addressed to Alexia and Mapi doesn’t need to read it to know what it’s intention was, what your intentions were, if it wasn’t already confirmed then this only assures it.

Mapi leaves red finger prints on it, picking it up and collecting some of your clothes from your wardrobe before leaving your apartment.

Alexia clicks on Mapi’s contact with so much fear coursing through her body, she’s praying that it’s not here mami, not when Alexia is away.

“Ale-Alexia, thank god you picked up, gracias a dios.”

Mapi’s voice is quivering, Alexia’s not sure if she’s ever heard her voice like that before.

“Maria, what’s wrong? Why did you call so many times?”

There is a sob on the other end of the line, and Alexia starts to pray, to any god that whatever Mapi is about to tell her isn’t going to be bad, she can’t handle bad news right now.

“She was supposed to be sleeping, I was so sure she was sleeping. There was so much blood, I thought, I didn’t think there was enough blood in a person’s veins but there was so much of it, it just kept leaking out of her.”

Alexia’s heart and stomach are at her feet, she clutches for a wall, a solid form that she can rely on so that she doesn’t collapse.

“Who, Maria, who? What are you talking about, where are you?”

There is another sob, a deep sob, like Mapi’s being tortured.

“Y/n, I went to visist her like you’d asked, an-and she was, I thought she was dead.”

Alexia heart feels like it’s on a rollercoaster, like it’s returned to a normal level for a second, before plummeting even deeper.

“What do you mean Maria, what are you talking about.”

Somebody in the group must have realised Alexia’s discomposure, because she can feel a group of eyes on her, like everybody is trying to figure out what is happening on the other end of the phone.

“She left a letter, she-she I thought she was dead Ale, why would somebody do that to themselves? Why would she want to do that to herself.”

Alexia is aware that Mapi is clearly in some kind of post-traumatic state, that it’s going to be hard to get to the bottom of this but she’s managed to string the details together. From what Mapi’s said, you’re still alive, but it can’t be good, not by how Mapi has made it sound.

“Maria, I need you to listen to me. Where are you? Where is she? What is wrong with her.”

Alexia can hear Mapi trying to take some deep breaths on the other side of the line, somewhere in the crowd Ingrid is pushed forward, looking at Alexia with so much confusion. Mapi doesn’t often have anxiety or panic attacks, but if she were, Ingrid is certain that she would be the first person for Mapi to call, yet she’s received none.

“I-I’m at the hospital with her, she’s been moved to the ICU, I haven’t seen her yet but the nurses told me they had to perform CPR in the ambulance and that she was rushed to surgery when she got here. She’s been stable since but she’s in critical condition.”

Alexia doesn’t know what to do, she wants to be with you.

“Maria, I’m going to hand you off to Ingrid okay, talk to her, let her calm you down. I’m going to talk to the staff and try and figure out a way for me to come home, talk to Ingrid, okay?”

Ingrid looks confused but takes the phone from Alexia regardless, allowing Alexia to walk towards the staff, her face sullen and body hurting from the pressure of all of this.

Mapi thinks you look worse, somehow.

All of the wires and cords and the bags and needles make your body look wrong. Nobody should need so many weird connections, yet considering the state you were in Mapi is oddly comforted by it all, she wants you to be getting as much help as your body needs.

She still got your blood on her, one of the nice nurses had helped her to wash it off her hands and arms, and Mapi had stolen one of your sweatshirts she’d haphazardly grabbed as a replacement for her shirt, but she can still feel it on her body.

She’s been sitting in the same chair since the nurses let her in to your room, it’s next to the window, so when Mapi feels compelled to cry, or can’t handle looking at your body any longer because it gives her a flashback, she looks out the window at the bustling city of Barcelona below her and it oddly comforts her. Life goes on, everyone elses life goes on, but yours almost didn’t.

Her mind goes to dark places thinking about the what if she hadn’t of come to check on you? Mapi knows the answer to that question, even a few minutes later and your body would have been even more lifeless then when Mapi found it, except maybe instead of most of life being drained from you, all of it would have been.

They still don’t know for sure what it’s going to look like when you wake up, Mapi was hardly paying attention when the doctors came to talk to her, they were speaking so many words that Mapi couldn’t even pretend to know the meaning of. She remembers bits and pieces, the parts that she knew she’d have to remember in case Alexia called again and wanted an update.

You’d lost a lot of blood but they were working to try and replenish it, you’d needed nearly 100 stitches all together, the scars were all about 6 inches long and just almost ½ and inch deep. You didn’t hit any major arteries or veins, but you grazed one of them and that was most likely why you bled so much. Your blood might have not clotted because of the antidepressants in your system potentially mixed with the ibuprofen you were taking for your ankle. They don’t know when you are going to wake up but they emphasise you sleeping isn’t a bad thing because you’re body is getting the rest that it needs to repair itself.

Mapi doesn’t understand the measurements or the way medications work, she knows your body needs rest but she also desperately just wants you to wake up. Selfishly, even if it’s just for a second so that she knows that you are okay, so that she can stop blaming herself for killing you. She’s always going to somewhat blame herself for this, but you dying would be the straw that broke the camels back.

Alexia doesn’t think the whole way back to Barcelona, the staff managed to get her on the last flight out of the night, with Ingrid.

They both don’t say a word after Alexia briefs Ingrid on what she learnt from Mapi on the phone, it’s nowhere near enough information and it leaves Alexia’s brain stumbling, she’s so uncertain of everything.

There is a chauffeur waiting for them at the airport which takes them straight to the hospital, Alexia doesn’t even pretend to be flattered when the reception staff immediately know who she is and takes her straight to your room. She has one concern. Everything else is just background noise to her.

Seeing you makes Alexia feel sick, literally, it’s a few seconds before she feels the bile rising. It’s been building for hours now and she rushes into the bathroom adjacent to your room and ungracefully let’s her stomach go directly into the toilet bowl.

Once she’s done and she feels less like her heart is going to fall out of her throat she gets up and puts on a brave face, walking back into your room.

Mapi has tears streaming down her face, Ingrid is trying to talk to her but Alexia can tell that none of it is getting through to her.

“Mapi, what happened?”

Alexia wants to know, she needs to know, she needs to know how you got here.

Mapi is shaking, her whole body, it’s almost scary the way that her body vibrates against the chair she’s sitting in.

“I-I went to check in on her, dios mios, it was so cold, she was-she-.”

Ingrid stops Mapi.

“Alexia, we can do this later, she can’t handle this right now.”

Ingrid looks as terrified as Alexia feels, but her fear is for Mapi, it makes sense, Mapi is the love of her life. Alexia doesn’t think she’s entitled to the same fear, she let you go.

“No-no, she wants to know.”

It’s clear that every word is pulling Mapi further and further apart, but she pushes through.

“I-I just needed to see her, I went through all the rooms until I got to her bathroom.”

She lets out a sob before continuing.

“There was so much blood, it was all coming from her arm, I tried my best, I tried my best.”

Mapi sobs again, this time it’s so deep and guttural that Alexia is so horrified about what is to come.

“I tried to stop it. She was supposed to be sleeping, I thought she was just sleeping. She was unconscious, blood everywhere, and it just kept coming, it wouldn’t stop. I tried my best.”

Ingrid is murmuring words into Mapi’s ear, Alexia doesn’t know what to say, she actually can’t think of a single word to say.

“I called the ambulance, but she coded in the ambulance, they had to give her so many stitches, so much blood.”

Mapi keeps repeating the same words, over and over again, like it’s a mantra.

Alexia needs to stop it, for her bestfriends sake.

She walks to the otherside of the room, gently pushing Ingrid to the side so she can squat down in front of Mapi.

“Maria look at me. You did your best, you saved her life. You are no more to blame for this then anybody else is. You did so well, she’s alive because of you, she is breathing and sitting in front of us because of you. You did that.”

Mapi doesn’t look like she believes Alexia, but it’s a reprieve from whatever trance she was in.

“How about you and Ingrid go and get something to eat, I’ll stay here with her, if anything happens I’ll call you, okay?”

Mapi looks apprehensive to get up, but Alexia watches Ingrid give her a look and it’s the first time since Alexia’s walked into this room that she sees a little bit of normality return to Mapi’s face.

“Sh-she left you a letter. I think you should read it.”

Mapi pushes it into Alexia’s hands like it’s poisonous.

“Thank you Mapi, I will, go and take a break.”

Alexia presses a kiss to Mapi’s hand, before moving to allow Ingrid to help her up. Mapi is uneasy on her feet and for a second Alexia thinks she might collapse or vomit. She eventually finds her footing though and follows Ingrid out of the room.

Alexia looks down at the letter.

It’s got dried blood finger prints on it, she presumes from Mapi, it secures all of this in some weird way. This is all actually happening.

Alexia takes her time opening it, this is tangible evidence of all of this and a part of Alexia wants nothing more then for it to disappear, so she can pretend none of this has happened.

She wasn’t even there for it, she can’t imagine what Mapi went through, she already feels like every part of her has been stripped away with this.

She feels like she’s an imposter in this all, she doesn’t know what to do.

You’ve never expressed to her anything about family or parents, she doesn’t think it would be right to call them without your permission. She wants to call her own mami but that feels a bit silly, although she knows somehow her mami would give her all the right advice. She doesn’t want to talk about any of it though, it feels wrong. This is such a personal issue, she doesn’t even think she should know about it, she doesn’t have any right considering that Alexia could have very well contributed to this whole issue.

The letter is white, off white possibly, it’s hard to tell with the harsh fluorescent lighting.

The marks that would have been bright red at some stage have faded to a dull reddish brown, it’s imprinted deep into the paper.

Alexia flips it over, gently opening the seal with her fingernail and letting the flap open up.

The paper inside is the same colour, except even though she can only see the flip side it’s clear that there is black scrawl all over it.

Alexia could make it disappear, act like she read it, it would make it all so much easier, it would save her a lot of emotions that she really doesn’t feel prepared to feel. But she doesn’t get to make that decision, she needs to read this, for you and for her.

Dear Alexia,

If you’re reading this then chances are I’m already gone, if I’m not then something went wrong and for that I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think that any of this was about you, or that you or anybody else was responsible. I made this decision, I’ve been thinking about this long before you came and I would have spent everyday thinking about it, no action or intervention would have changed that.

I don’t know how to explain it, but life is different for me. I don’t experience things the same way, I don’t get happy when I spend time with friends, I don’t get happy when it’s sunny outside. I’ve tried it all, I’ve tried to make it work, tried to live life in my body. I think a part of me was always separate though, and as much as I’ve tried to make it work there is no point in trying to fix something that is always going to be broken.

Being with you was the first time that my brain felt quiet, that I kind of felt the experience of happiness that everyone else feels. You made it all better, everything with you felt better, it felt normal. All I ever wanted was to be a normal person, and you made me feel like that. It’s not fair of me to be saying that, you deserved better then me, it wasn’t fair for me to burden you with all of this shit. Fucked up is never not fucked up, you can’t uncrumple a crumpled piece of paper, it will always be creased. I want you to know that I didn’t do this to you, i did this for you. It wasn’t fair weighing you down, I know it wasn’t easy for you when we broke up, you deserve to focus on football. You deserve to have a good life, you deserve to be free. I don’t want you to feel bad, I don’t want you to feel like you’re responsible. Live your life, be happy, for me, experience it all, because I couldn’t.

I’m not myself anymore, although I don’t think I ever was myself. It always kind of feels like i’ve been different people in my own body, and this time i couldn’t handle it. I don’t want to feel devoid anymore, I want to be free. My identity has always been identified as being a good footballer, a great footballer, and I don’t even think I can say that I am that anymore. I am nothing, want to be nothing.

I’m sorry I never loved you back in the same way, I’m sorry I never reciprocated the endless graciousness and love tha you gave me. The smiles, the effort, the constant love, it was wasted on me and my biggest regret in life will be letting you waste it on me. It wasn’t fair, it’ll never be fair, because I loved you back and that perhaps was the most selfish act I’ve ever committed.

I’m sorry, there aren’t enough words that I could use to tell you just how sorry I am. I’m sorry that I burdened you with me, I’m sorry that I let myself be cared for by you, I’m sorry that you have to read this.

I’m sorry.

There wouldn’t have ever been anything I could have done to repair it, I didn’t want to live knowing that I would forever be in debt to you for this. I hope that eventually you will find peace in this, that some good will finally come of me.

Goodbye.

There are tears all over the page by the time Alexia gets to the bottom of the letter, she actually can’t comprehend what she’s just read, she swears that her mind must be playing tricks on her. Why would you think all of those things? What made you think all of those things?

Alexia feels sick again.

Did she make you feel that way? Did she make you feel like you weren’t deserving of living?

There are so many questions circulating her brain, and she doesn’t have a answer for a single one of them, because she doesn’t know. Suicide was your only option, one that could have been very permanent, it makes Alexia’s head swim. You believed that your only option to make it all stop was death. You found a permanent solution to something that Alexia’s considers a potentially temporary situation, had you reached out, had you tried to find help. She can’t criticise you, she can’t even begin to comprehend how hard it would be living as you have, and then having to try and talk to somebody else about that. A part of her wishes you had though, because maybe it would have saved her beind here.

Your body is the exact same it was the last time Alexia looked at you, but for some reason you feel different.

Alexia reaches out for your hand, it’s the arm that’s not covered in bandages. Your hands are cold, but she tries to ignore it. She focuses on the feeling of movement underneath her own hand, it’s the only real tangible proof she has that you are here with her, that you are alive.

Sure there is a beeping heart monitor, and other signs, but she just wants to feel you.

She holds your hand, because she swears that she’ll slip away. Alexia doesn’t know what to do, she doesn’t know how to help you but she promises herself that she’s going to be here, that she isn’t ever going to let you experience life the same way that you did without her being there for you.

—————————————————————

thoughts appreciated …. part 2?

another reminder that if you ever need anybody to talk to i am here, your life is worth living, you are worth it all. <3

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luna-azzurra · 17 hours

Note

Do you have any tips for writing a character who hates their appearance? Like say this character has the ability to look like a normal human but their non-human form is quote on quote "ugly/hideous" (The creature's related to the character have the same issue/The self-hatred is taught by the elders and/or parents from the society the creature belongs to.)

"Conceal it, don't feel it, don't let it show" kind of thing. And the parents/elders aren't mean about it, they just know their real appearance isn't appealing.

Human appearance = Confidence, more self-acceptance, more self-love, etc.

Your character could feel stuck between these two identities, on one side, they’ve got their non-human form that’s been labeled as “ugly” or “hideous,” and on the other side, they have their human form, which is praised and makes them feel confident, even if it’s not their real self. It’s like a mask they wear to feel better about themselves, but deep down, there’s still this lingering feeling of “I’m not good enough as I am.”

You can show how this affects their self-esteem and mental state. Every time they look human, they feel a little bit stronger, a little more accepted, but it’s not really them. Maybe they start to rely on the human form so much that they feel lost without it, like they don’t know how to be themselves anymore. That confidence they get when they look human? It’s a bit fake, like wearing an outfit that makes you feel good for a while, but you know once you take it off, all the insecurities come rushing back.

They want to accept their real form, but every time they look at themselves, all they can hear are the voices from their parents and society telling them they’re not good enough, that they need to hide this part of themselves. You can show moments where they’re afraid to let anyone see their true form, even people they care about. They fear rejection, judgment, or that people will think they’re as hideous as they’ve been told their whole life. But, over time, maybe they start to question these ideas. Maybe someone in their life (a friend, a love interest, or even themselves) shows them that their real form isn’t as bad as they’ve been taught to believe. You could even explore little moments where they realize they don’t hate certain parts of their non-human self as much as they thought they did. It’s a slow, difficult process of learning to accept themselves, and it won’t be a quick fix. They might still struggle with the urge to hide behind their human form, but eventually, they start to see that their real self isn’t something they need to conceal or be ashamed of.

Example / The Mirror Scene

The bathroom mirror was fogged up from the hot water, but they could still see the outline of their face. Human face. The one that made them feel like they belonged. A quick wipe of the glass revealed familiar features: smooth skin, symmetrical eyes, a nose that didn’t make anyone flinch. A face they didn’t have to hide.

For a second, they almost smiled. Almost. This face was easier, so much easier, than the real one. The one they kept buried beneath layers of “normal.” With a shaky breath, they glanced at the door, locked, thankfully. No one could see them here. It was safe. It was just them and the mirror. But safety wasn’t comfort, not when the thing they feared most was their own reflection.

The familiar sensation of their skin shifting began, like a wave of pins and needles. Slowly, painfully, the human features faded, replaced by the reality underneath. Their jawline thickened, rough, uneven skin stretching across sharp ridges. The soft eyes they’d once admired in the mirror were now wide and strange, glowing faintly in the dim light.

They hated it. They hated that every time they looked like this, all they could hear was their mom’s voice, calm but full of pity. “You’ll feel better if you just stay in human form. It’s easier.”

Easier. Sure. Except it wasn’t them.

They leaned closer to the mirror, inspecting their real face. “Hideous,” they whispered, like they could get ahead of the insult before someone else could throw it at them. The word hung in the air, suffocating, familiar. They’d heard it a thousand times, from elders, parents, even their friends when they didn’t think anyone was listening.

#writing #writer on tumblr #writerscommunity #writing tips #character development #writing advice #oc character #writing help #writer tumblr #writblr #creating ocs #creative writing #creature

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just-a-ghost00 · 2 days

Text

You got mail 💌

Let’s find out what the person on your mind has to say to you. Pick one of the following emojis and discover your reading.

🌍 🩵 🌄 🤠

Group 1 🌍

I may not show it to you but I am really happy we met. Everyday with you feels like a new adventure. Though we are worlds apart and so different from each other, I really feel like we match perfectly. You make me feel like I belong. Every moment spent with you is so much fun. It makes me want to jump forward and explore. You are so sweet and generous, so playful that I can’t help but to play along. I feel so lucky being with you. There is so much I want to do with you. I want to hang out with you and get to know you more. Maybe we could have a couple drinks, play in a park, have a little date by the river… if you wish. I feel so boring compared to you. With me, everything is always black and white. But you, my love, are so colorful and bright. I wish we were a family. I wish I could wake up in the morning to find you sitting at the table, eating breakfast with a smile on your face. I wish I could share with you my favorite spots and take you to every place I get to see. I wish I could find a way to express all that you mean to me. I tend to see the glass half empty. But when I’m with you I want to believe everything is possible. You have filled my cup with your love and I am so thankful for that. I can’t find the words to tell you how much I owe to you. You’ve made me a better person and I feel like I could never return the favor.

Group 2 🩵

I may look like all is well and fine but to tell you the truth I feel hollow. And I could use some fun. I always seem so busy, always the life of the party, making everybody laugh and ensuring they have a good time. But deep inside, it’s getting tough. As the days go by, I feel my energy depleting and my motivation as well. I don’t even know why I do this anymore. I force myself for the sake of keeping appearances but honestly I’m not sure I like it at all. I’m afraid that if you dig deep enough, you wouldn’t like what you find there. I am much more fragile than I seem. Also much more mellow and soft when I get the chance. But lately I’m more of a zombie than anything. I don’t think I could bring you much joy nor comfort. I’m afraid I’ve turned bitter. It’s all about work and making sure the money gets in and less about enjoying what I’m doing. I need to pay the bills. There’s competition around. I can’t afford to lose. Everyone’s counting on me. People look up to me. I sacrificed a lot to get there. I can’t back down now. Who would I be if I did? I can’t disappoint. It’s all a masquerade but it’s for a cause. It might not look great to you but it means a lot to me. So, sorry if I’m acting cold but… it’s all for you baby. Don’t go thinking I found someone better. Believe me I don’t have the time for that.

Group 3 🌄

Hold on a minute ! I know what you’re gonna think. What the heck is he/she saying? But hey, let me explain you’ll get it ! I may not be the strongest, the wisest or the most impressive of them all but one thing that’s sure about me is that I only have good intentions for you. I am ready to fight for you if that must be done. Thought I’m not good at that. Listen, my point is I really like you. I want to be with you, have fun with you, chat with you. I want us to take our time and get to know each other and hopefully to grow old together but that’s another story. With you I feel like a kid again. Sometimes, I gotta say, the feeling can be irritating. But at the same time it is freeing. I don’t have to chose a side. I don’t have to act a certain way to be accepted by you or understood. And that’s crazy! I’ve never experienced that before. Usually I would try to conform and play nice, show my best side and stick to the plan. But ever since I met you I want to free myself of those restraints. I want to find my home. I want to express my full potential without fearing being rejected or not belonging. I know you’ll never kick me out. Because you are the same aren’t you? The things I’ve seen, what I’ve been through, you’ve been there as well, right? I want to make a promise to you. Whatever comes our way, I swear I won’t run away. Even though it is scary and seems impossible, I will always work hard and do my best to make it. I may not be exactly your type or what you imagined a partner should be, but I am willing to learn. I am willing to tune to your melody and shelter whatever we may build together, not matter how unstable it may seem. I want you to feel comfortable with me. I want you to feel as safe with me as I feel with you. So if you’ll let me, let me fulfill that promise. You won’t regret it.

Group 4 🤠

To be honest, at first I didn’t get the best of vibes from you. I was a little intimidated and didn’t want to get to know you. Especially considering what people were saying about you. But I tried to see past your exterior and once I got to know you I found out that you were very chill. Maybe it was because I didn’t know you. Maybe I feared the unknown territory you represented. Maybe I was just afraid of going deep. But curiosity got the best of me. And luckily for both of us I stayed around long enough to make my own opinion. And I have to say that you are quite surprising. I won’t lie, being with you asks a lot of efforts on my part. But every second spent with you is worth it. In your presence, I feel comfortable. Being with you reminds me of my childhood. I think of my mother and my family, of the days we spent together before I moved away and followed the wind where it took me. Every page of our story takes me deeper within. I see sides of myself I never noticed or didn’t want to remember. I remember the innocent days where doing something new weren’t as terrifying and meeting new people sounded like a thrill. Being with you I feel blessed and content. There’s a light heartedness and a warmth in my heart I wouldn’t trade for anything. When I’m alone at home you’re all I think about. When I’m at work also. There isn’t a single moment when you’re not on my mind. When I’m with you I feel hopeful. I think that maybe life isn’t as tough as I thought it would be. That maybe there is more waiting for me. Please, show me more of your different sides. Tell me more about what makes you happy. Let me in and let me see for myself what you are made of. I’m begging you don’t shut me out. I want more of you.

#just-a-ghost #pick a card #pac reading #spiritual pac #love pac

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just-trying-to-fangirl-in-peace · 2 days

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Jealousy (Sauron x fem!Elf!reader)

-> in which you know Sauron is only getting close to Mirdania as part of your plans, but it still bothers you

Warnings: evil reader who is Sauron’s partner in crime (it’s not exactly healthy but you match each other’s freak)

If she’s not in love yet, she is awfully close to it. You can see it plainly on Mirdania’s face as Sauron—or, as she knows him, Annatar—cradles her hand in his, convincing her yet again to do his bidding with nothing more than a softly spoken word and a gaze that lingers just a moment too long.

“Can I trust you to make sure the others respect his wishes as well?” you hear him say from where you’re standing, only a few feet away. Mirdania agrees almost immediately, looking as though she might pick up a hammer and crush her own fingers with it as well, if her beloved Lord of Gifts only asked.

You are being dramatic, of course. It’s a good thing, having as many smiths of Eregion be vulnerable to Sauron’s deception as possible, but it’s awfully unfair that someone else should get to feel his touch so freely when you, the one with the most right to it, must restrain yourself until you are alone.

By the time they are finished conversing, you are glaring daggers in their direction. If Mirdania notices, you don’t know and you don’t care. It’s his gaze you meet and hold for a brief moment before you turn yours away and leave the courtyard, knowing he would follow.

He had better.

You’ve reached a corridor you know to be empty most of the time, and are striding down it when a hand wraps around your arm and pulls you to the side. You hold back a smirk as your back meets the wall and you stare up into Sauron’s eyes.

“Jealousy does not suit you,” he remarks sharply.

“Feigned innocence does not suit you,” you retort. “Yet you never fail to make it convincing.”

“Mirdania is hardly difficult to convince. And who can fault her?” he says, smugly. He likes to make your blood boil, and you like to let him. It stokes the passion between you. Usually. Now, however, it only serves to further your indignation.

“Who can fault her, indeed?” you say bitterly. “Perhaps she’s not the one worthy of my ire. It was, after all, the Lady Galadriel to whom you oh-so-poetically compared Mirdania not that long ago. Perhaps your time together in Numenor brought you much closer than you led me to believe.”

Your accusation diminishes his playfulness. He puts a finger under your chin, lifting it slightly to better fix you with a warning gaze.

“I do not care for this attitude of yours,” he says disapprovingly. “You were never quite so... irritable, before.”

“Before?” you hiss, removing his hand from your face and holding his wrist between you in a grip tight enough you hope it hurts. “Before you were taken from me without warning, and I was left alone in the world? Living amongst my kind as though nothing had changed, as though I still belonged with them. Playing the obedient little smith as if I was not meant to be so much more. Forgive me if, after all those interminable years awaiting my husband’s return, I do not care to see his fingers in some other elf’s hair!”

Your last words are practically a growl as you release his hand furiously, slamming it into his own chest. He glances at it, then looks at you, having the decency to seem somewhat contrite for a brief moment.

“Had I known it bothered you so...” The slightest smirk tugs at his mouth. “I’d have at least tried to touch her hair out of your sight.”

You shove at his chest, spitting out an adjective in Black Speech with a most indelicate translation in the common tongue. This time, you don’t want him to follow. It’s your full intention to storm away and treat him with nothing but silence until you’re satisfied you have frustrated him as badly as he did you.

You’ve taken a few steps when he catches you by the waist, pulling you with your back flush against his front in the middle of the corridor. You make a sound of surprise, your hands flying to his, but you don’t try to pry them away from you. His mouth is at your ear, hot and alluring.

“There is a purpose to my every word, gesture and touch,” he says, the low rumble of his voice traveling deliciously down your spine. “A purpose of which you are well aware. Our purpose. Do you truly believe a head of pretty hair would so easily sway me, when I spent centuries dreaming to taste you once more?”

His voice has dropped to a whisper, and his lips lower to your neck, pressing gently against your skin to soften you to him. It feels divine, as always, but pride demands you hold back from melting into his just yet.

“What you spent centuries dreaming of,” you counter flatly, “is ruling the world.” Your voice betrays only the tiniest trace of breathlessness as he gives your skin a light, warning bite.

“The two may coexist, and they do. You know that very well.” He turns you around then, holding your chin between his fingers once more. His thumb brushes your lower lip, eyes boring into yours with no trace of the teasing glint from before. “Cease your foolish doubts. Anger makes you impossibly beautiful, my love, but in this moment I’d prefer it if you were angry alongside me, rather than at me. We must stand united, now more than ever.”

That is... infuriatingly true.

Oh, damn him. With his flattery and his touches and his... rational thinking.

“I just...” You let out a sigh with a hint of a groan, your anger giving way to reveal the source of frustration which had driven you to such impulsive actions in the first place. “I’ve grown so tired of this pretense. This ridiculous charade, as if you were as much a stranger to me as you were to the other smiths before you came. Look at us, sneaking around like some rebellious youths exchanging forbidden kisses. They should know who you are. Who we are.” You cup his cheeks and lean in close, voice drenched in unbridled passion. “Husband and wife. King and Queen.”

“And so they shall,” he vows, pulling you against him in a tight embrace as he leans his forehead against yours, “once the work is complete. I shall put a crown on your head, and we shall stand side by side as the world bows at our feet. Before their Lord of Darkness, and my beautiful, terrible Queen. This, I swear.”

Your heart thunders in your chest at the images invoked by his words. Everything you’ve waited and strived for all this time, finally within your grasp. Being supreme ruler of Elves, Dwarves and Men alike. Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can never be torn from the one you love again.

“The day cannot come soon enough,” you breathe out, the last word barely escaping before your love captures your lips and kisses you with endless greed, perfectly matching yours. There is darkness within you, and it was always meant to become intertwined with his. One or both of you may be killed, as he once was, but no power in existence could ever truly part your souls. It’s a certainty you see reflected in his eyes as he pulls away just slightly, just enough for his gaze to set you even more alight with desire before he devours you with his kiss once more.

“Soon, my love,” he whispers against your lips. “Soon.”

#sauron x reader #annatar x reader #the rings of power

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mattsturnioloz · 16 hours

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Then I lost you: Pt 4.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.

Summary: Matt's career as a youtuber takes a toll on his 4 year relationship with his girlfriend, putting it on hold. Will it ever be the same again?

Warnings: angst, unresolved angst, crying, talk about intercourse, make out, fluff!!

Pairings: Y/n x Matt Sturniolo

A/N: (Felt like writing chapter 4 cause I need to know what happens😭 also I recommend listening to the song while reading🙂)

“You know deep down it’s for the best y/n.” Matt says to me, gently taking my hands in his, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. I feel a deep pang in my heart but I wipe my tears. I nod, hugging him. We share a long heartfelt hug, and it only gets tighter each second.

“I love you.” I silently cry. “I love you more baby..” Matt says, softly hugging me closer, his arms around my torso. This very same night we cuddle eachother close, not knowing if it’s gonna be the last time.

———- ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ———-

The next morning I wake up still cuddled up with Matt, my heart heavy. It’s soon, but I know I should house hunt right now. Because if I don’t leave soon, I don’t think I ever will. I sit up taking myself out of matt’s arms gently, not wanting to wake up, but he stirs awake anyway and yanks me down pulling me closer. It hurts so bad but this feels so good.

I spend the next week house hunting, not finding anything that feels like home yet. No where is home if Matt isn’t with me. Matt is my home.

Matt and I still act like a couple, because we know this won’t be for much longer, and it felt like how it used to be, when we first got together. Innocent and sweet. It hurts to know we’re letting this go. I feel like we just gave up on what we have too soon. I don’t want to let it all go.

Matt comes with me to check out a house and when we walk in, we instantly feel like this is the one for me. It was small and cozy, which I love since it’s only gonna be me. Only me.

I sign the papers and buy the house, with a smile on my face, but it fades once I remember the circumstances. My things are still at my old Matt’s place, already all packed up.

We walk into Matt’s room which once was mine too, after loading all my boxes of belongings into the u-haul. It feels empty and I take a look at his face and all I see is dread and tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Matt..” I almost whisper. I grab his hand pulling him closer to bring him into a hug, and he breaks into sobs. I’ve never heard matt cry, not like this. Tears roll down my cheeks as we hug again.

“P-please- Please don’t go yet.. i just want- need one more night with you..please-” He chokes out, stuttering and sobbing. “Okay.. I would love that..” I say softly, sniffing while cupping his face, lifting it so that I can look at him with a smile and I kiss his salty teary lips.

It was time for bed and I decide to shower. I go to the bathroom and I get undressed before getting in and letting the water run over my body. I hear the bathroom door open and I open the curtain, finding Matt undressing himself to join me.

Before I could even say anything he opens the curtain wider and gets in, kissing me sweetly and softly. We shower together while showering eachother with love.

When we finish, Matt turns the shower faucet off then helps me out the shower. Once we’re out he dries my hair and naked body with the towel before doing the same to himself.

We brush our teeth, still just in towels and when we finish Matt gently grabs my chin, turning my head to face him and he kisses me. It gets deeper by the second but no faster. It was lust-filled but in the sweetest way.

He lifts me up by my thighs gripping them and takes me to the room, closing the door and gently putting me on the bed before crawling on top of me and slowly removing the towel, kissing me passionately once again. He makes his way to my neck slowly, taking his time, being gentle.

We make slow but sweet passionate love all night, and tears were shed during it, but after we cuddled eachother close and held on tight because now we knew for sure that this was our last night together. We fall asleep in eachother’s arms, not ready to let go.

———- ⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ———-

Matt’s Pov:

I wake up in the morning with y/n’s arms and legs tied around me and it hits me that this is our last day together, which also happens to mark our 5 year anniversary..

I want to take back what I said. What I said about us not working. I regret it. But I know it’s too late and the damage is already done.

I don’t know what i’m gonna do without her. She’s my light, and I can’t believe I’m this stupid enough to be letting someone like her go. I love her and I can’t imagine my life without her.

She was supposed to be my wife. The mother of my children. The one who I was supposed to grow old with. The one who I would be telling stories with to our kids about how we met and fell in love. I messed it up, and now I can’t take it back, but i’ve hurt her enough.

I feel y/n start to stir awake and I brush her hair out of her face, looking down at her with a loose genuine smile. “Good morning baby..” I say leaning down towards her face to give her a sweet kiss on the tip of her nose then on the corner of her lips.

“Good morning..” She smiles with grogginess in her eyes. Her smile pulling at my heartstrings. “Happy 5 year anniversary, my love.” I say kissing her lips this time. Her smile fades and her face is in a frown. Her eyes well up which makes mine too. “I know.. I know..” I hold her close as we cry together as I occasionally kiss her forehead. I wipe her tears before kissing her forehead one last time and we get up and get dressed up for the day.

We make breakfast while messing around and laughing together, and I couldn’t help but hang onto our love that’s still here and after breakfast I feel so much affection towards her.

“Hey, why don’t I take you out for dinner tonight?” I ask her pulling her closer by the waist. “Why not?” She agrees with a big smile on her face. I lean down to peck her lips softly. “Perfect, i’ll take you home so that you can get ready then i’ll be back to pick you up” I say enthusiastically. She nods and leans up, standing up on her tip toes to give me a kiss.

I grab my keys and I lead her to the car to take her home. We get in and on the drive there we listen to music and talk about whatever we felt like talking about.

Once we get there, she grabs her purse from between her legs and she give me a kiss. “See you later..” She says with a small but sweet smile. “See you later baby..” I say, giving her a warm smile. She walks off to her front door and she opens it, going inside and shutting the door behind her, I start the car and I drive back home. I was determined to make this the best last date. Just for her.

1,250 words.

A/N: (thought this was gonna be the last part but I got exhausted and didn’t wanna wait to post it so part 5 is coming out tomorrow and is gonna be the last part!! I got so emotional making this part omgggg, writing angst is not for the weakkkk😭)

Taglist: @watercolorskyy @starzinasblog @imwetforyourmom @urfavstromboli @sturniqloo @star-yawnznn @h3arts4harry

#matt sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo angst #matthew sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo #the sturniolo triplets #sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets #christopher sturniolo #nick sturniolo #chris sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #Spotify

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0omillo0 · 2 days

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Keep it secret | Jeongin x Reader

Even tho your relationship is secret, Jeongin asks you to come with him at the milano fashion week. You have to try your best to perfectly fake being a manager.

a/n: you can tell I LOVE fashion shows!

⋆ ˚｡♡𝜗𝜚˚

The chaos of fashion week was palpable from the moment you touched down in Milan. The air buzzed with anticipation, a hum of energy that clung to the cobbled streets, and the world’s finest designers and most iconic models seemed to glide over it effortlessly. You had to remind yourself to keep your cool, though it was easier said than done when you were walking into one of the biggest events of the year — the Bottega Veneta fashion show. Not as an ordinary attendee, though. No, this time, you were walking into it as the secret girlfriend of Yang Jeongin.

Jeongin, with his signature charm and confident smile, was as much a part of the event as the models, yet your heart still fluttered when you saw him, even after months of keeping your relationship under wraps. Every stolen glance, every subtle touch shared away from the limelight, had built an intimacy that you treasured, but hiding it was becoming increasingly difficult. Especially now.

You could still hear his soft voice from this morning in your head. He had smiled at you over the breakfast table, his eyes dancing with mischief, as he casually dropped the bomb.

“I want you to come with me,” he had said, his lips quirking into a smile.

“To Milan?” you had asked, nearly choking on your coffee.

“To the Bottega Veneta show at fashion week. I’ll get you in as a manager, and no one will suspect a thing.” His eyes twinkled with excitement, but you knew better. The man could have been a professional poker player with how well he masked his emotions in public, but you could tell by the way his fingers had tapped the table lightly that he was nervous.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want you there — quite the opposite. He wanted nothing more than to walk arm in arm with you, to show the world that you were his. But, as one of the rising stars in the K-pop scene, there were pressures and expectations, fans and media that scrutinized every single move.

You had agreed, of course, but as you sat in the limousine that was slowly crawling toward the venue, the gravity of the situation weighed down on you. You could feel your heart thudding against your chest. Jeongin sat across from you, dressed impeccably in a tailored suit, his hair styled to perfection, his features sharp and striking. It wasn’t fair how effortlessly he looked like he belonged at these events, while you, draped in an elegant dress that he’d handpicked for you, felt like an imposter.

“You look stunning,” he said softly, as though reading your mind.

You blushed, glancing out the window to avoid his gaze. “Don’t say that. You’ll make it harder for me to act like your manager.”

His chuckle was low, barely audible, but it warmed you nonetheless. He leaned in, his fingers brushing yours ever so slightly. The gesture was small, but it was enough to send a shiver down your spine.

“You’ll do great,” he whispered. “Just… don’t let them catch us.”

---

The fashion show was a dazzling blur of lights, music, and beautifully crafted designs. The moment you stepped onto the plush carpet leading into the venue, cameras flashed in every direction, capturing every movement of the celebrities and fashion icons in attendance. You kept your distance from Jeongin, trailing behind as any good manager would, though your heart tugged with every step that separated you.

Every now and then, you felt his eyes on you — a fleeting glance here, a brief brush of hands there — all while pretending you were nothing more than a member of his team. He greeted the designers, smiled for the cameras, and even posed with a few celebrities, his face lighting up in that way only he could manage.

You tried to focus on your role, to blend into the background as you observed the crowd. But every time your fingers accidentally brushed against his, or your shoulders bumped as you navigated the tight spaces, a spark ignited. It was intoxicating, the way the most innocent of touches held so much weight. The world may not have known, but between the two of you, every glance, every whisper was charged with a secret.

At one point during the show, when the lights dimmed for a brief intermission, Jeongin leaned over. His voice was barely a murmur, his lips just inches from your ear. “You’re handling this better than I thought.”

You smiled, trying to suppress the warmth that spread across your cheeks. “You’re not making it easy.”

He chuckled softly. “I know. But I can’t help it.”

The fabric of his hand brushed against yours once again, but before either of you could react, a photographer’s flash went off close by, reminding you both of where you were. Jeongin quickly pulled back, his expression shifting into one of professionalism as if the moment had never happened.

But it had, and you felt the lingering effect long after.

---

The after-party was another test in patience. The music was loud, the champagne flowing freely as models and designers mingled with guests in an opulent ballroom that overlooked the city. Jeongin had kept his distance for most of the evening, busy making the rounds and schmoozing with industry insiders. Every now and then, he would send you a discreet smile or a playful wink, but it was never more than that.

You couldn’t wait for the night to be over. The tension between you two was almost unbearable, a tight string that threatened to snap at any moment. And when it finally did, it wasn’t in the way you expected.

As the party began to wind down and people started to trickle out, Jeongin found his way back to you. His hand grazed yours briefly before pulling back, a reminder that you still had to be careful. "Ready to leave?" he asked quietly, his eyes scanning the room.

"More than ready," you replied, your voice barely audible over the music.

Together, you slipped out of the venue, avoiding the main exit where paparazzi were camped out, waiting for a glimpse of any celebrity they could get. Instead, you followed Jeongin through a quieter side exit, where a limousine was waiting. The driver opened the door for you both, and as soon as it shut behind you, the pretense of professionalism dissolved.

The moment you were out of sight, Jeongin’s hand found yours again, but this time he didn’t pull away. His fingers intertwined with yours, and he let out a sigh, his body relaxing into the seat.

“That was torture,” he admitted, turning to face you.

You laughed, leaning your head against the back of the seat. “You’re telling me. I think I nearly forgot how to breathe back there.”

He smiled, his eyes softening as they roamed your face. “But you did amazing.”

“You weren’t so bad yourself,” you teased, though your voice was softer now, more intimate.

Jeongin shifted closer, his knee brushing against yours, his hand now resting fully on your thigh. “I hated every second of pretending you weren’t mine,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion.

Your heart fluttered at his words, and before you knew it, you were leaning in, closing the distance between you. The kiss was soft at first, slow, like the two of you were still testing the waters even though you had kissed a hundred times before. But it didn’t stay that way for long.

The tension that had built up throughout the night — the stolen glances, the brief touches, the whispered words — all came crashing down as your lips met his. The kiss deepened, your hands sliding up his chest and into his hair, pulling him closer. Jeongin groaned softly against your lips, his hands slipping to your waist as he tugged you into him.

The limousine felt smaller by the second as you struggled to get as close to him as possible, the weight of the evening melting away with every kiss, every touch. His hand slid up the back of your neck, his fingers threading through your hair as he pulled you impossibly closer, his lips never leaving yours.

“I missed this,” he murmured between kisses, his voice breathless. “Missed you.”

You smiled against his lips. “We were together all night.”

“Not like this,” he whispered, his thumb brushing against your jaw as he pulled back just enough to meet your gaze. His eyes were dark, filled with an intensity that made your breath hitch.

“No,” you agreed softly, your fingers tracing the line of his jaw. “Not like this.”

For a few moments, neither of you said anything, just held each other close, basking in the warmth of the moment. The city lights outside flickered by, casting fleeting shadows across the inside of the limo, but in this space — in this quiet, stolen moment — it felt like you were the only two people in the world.

As the car rolled on through the streets of Milan, Jeongin’s arms wrapped tighter around you, pulling you close to his chest as he kissed your forehead. "One day," he murmured against your skin, his voice barely a whisper. "One day, we won’t have to hide anymore."

You smiled, closing your eyes and sinking into his embrace, content with the secret world you had carved out for yourselves, even if just for tonight.

"One day…" you whispered back.

#skz x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids x y/n #skz #stray kids #stray kids fluff #jeongin x y/n #jeongin fluff #jeongin #jeongin x reader #in x reader #in stray kids #skz x you #stray kids comfort

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literaryvein-reblogs · 10 hours

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4 Great Motives for Writing by George Orwell

George Orwell:

From a very early age, perhaps the age of five or six, I knew that when I grew up I should be a writer. Between the ages of about seventeen and twenty-four I tried to abandon this idea, but I did so with the consciousness that I was outraging my true nature and that sooner or later I should have to settle down and write books. Putting aside the need to earn a living, I think there are four great motives for writing, at any rate for writing prose. They exist in different degrees in every writer, and in any one writer the proportions will vary from time to time, according to the atmosphere in which he is living. They are:

(i) Sheer egoism. Desire to seem clever, to be talked about, to be remembered after death, to get your own back on grown-ups who snubbed you in childhood, etc., etc. It is humbug to pretend this is not a motive, and a strong one. Writers share this characteristic with scientists, artists, politicians, lawyers, soldiers, successful business men – in short, with the whole top crust of humanity. The great mass of human beings are not acutely selfish. After the age of about thirty they abandon individual ambition – in many cases, indeed, they almost abandon the sense of being individuals at all – and live chiefly for others, or are simply smothered under drudgery. But there is also the minority of gifted, willful people who are determined to live their own lives to the end, and writers belong in this class. Serious writers, I should say, are on the whole more vain and self-centered than journalists, though less interested in money.

(ii) Aesthetic enthusiasm. Perception of beauty in the external world, or, on the other hand, in words and their right arrangement. Pleasure in the impact of one sound on another, in the firmness of good prose or the rhythm of a good story. Desire to share an experience which one feels is valuable and ought not to be missed. The aesthetic motive is very feeble in a lot of writers, but even a pamphleteer or writer of textbooks will have pet words and phrases which appeal to him for non-utilitarian reasons; or he may feel strongly about typography, width of margins, etc. Above the level of a railway guide, no book is quite free from aesthetic considerations.

(iii) Historical impulse. Desire to see things as they are, to find out true facts and store them up for the use of posterity.

(iv) Political purpose – using the word ‘political’ in the widest possible sense. Desire to push the world in a certain direction, to alter other people’s idea of the kind of society that they should strive after. Once again, no book is genuinely free from political bias. The opinion that art should have nothing to do with politics is itself a political attitude.

It can be seen how these various impulses must war against one another, and how they must fluctuate from person to person and from time to time. By nature – taking your ‘nature’ to be the state you have attained when you are first adult – I am a person in whom the first three motives would outweigh the fourth. In a peaceful age I might have written ornate or merely descriptive books, and might have remained almost unaware of my political loyalties.

Looking back through the last page or two, I see that I have made it appear as though my motives in writing were wholly public-spirited. I don’t want to leave that as the final impression. All writers are vain, selfish, and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives there lies a mystery. Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist or understand. For all one knows that demon is simply the same instinct that makes a baby squall for attention. And yet it is also true that one can write nothing readable unless one constantly struggles to efface one’s own personality. Good prose is like a windowpane. I cannot say with certainty which of my motives are the strongest, but I know which of them deserve to be followed. And looking back through my work, I see that it is invariably where I lacked a political purpose that I wrote lifeless books and was betrayed into purple passages, sentences without meaning, decorative adjectives and humbug generally.

Published in Gangrel, No. 4, Summer 1946

More: George Orwell

#george orwell #on writing #writing motivation #writing inspiration #writeblr #dark academia #spilled ink #light academia #literature #essay #writers on tumblr #writing reference #poets on tumblr #writing prompt #poetry #creative writing #writing resources

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crazylittlejester · 2 days

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*points at what you said in Sunny’s ask about hair stuff (which are all wonderful and yes) and Wars bleaching and straightening his hair*

Silly or Hero-warship previous mostly blond heroes gotta look the part perfect soldier image peer pressure whatever? (Basically, silly little guy or sads?) (My brain immediately went to this but it kinda falls apart with some of the others in the chain having different hair colors (which, again awesome, curly hair Rulie and Wind my beloveds) but thought why not ask anyways)

Taking this as a Yap opportunity because it’s been so long since people have sent in asks about my Wars headcanons and I feel like I haven’t gotten to talk about this in a while >:) SO THANK YOU FOR THIS

edit: apologies if theres any spelling mistakes im dyslexic but also just an idiot

So I hc Wars came from a very small village on the outskirts of the kingdom and when he got to Castletown and joined the army things were very different, HE was very different. He didn’t feel like he fit in with them, so he tried his best to force himself to fit in which is why I hc he does a fake accent, a Castletown/British one so people assume he comes from there. The way people view him is very important to him because he worries if they don’t see him through the carefully crafted lens he’s set up for himself to be viewed through, people will not like him or they won’t think he’s worthy or they’ll think he’s pathetic and he can’t handle that. So everything about how he’s constructed and built himself, from his hair to his accent to his walk to his laugh, his smile, voice, posture, all of it is carefully and deliberately crafted so that his image and how he presents himself is consistent, reliable, and “hero worthy”

Him straightening and dyeing his hair was 100% because he saw the heroes of legend and realized he didn’t look like them. I hc the Hero of Time was a huge figure, and one of the most noted heroes in Wars’s era, so little Wars compared himself to that a LOT. (and I also hc he never knew Mask was the Hero of Time because the kid called himself the Hero of Masks because HE didn’t think he could live up to his own title.) He thought if he looked more like what the people of Hyrule envision the great hero to look like in their minds, he’d be taken much more seriously

Of course now, seven years after the war, after he’s had a lot of time to come to terms with things and start to heal, Warriors doesn’t feel the need to look like the other heroes in order to be worthy, and he realizes this before he even meets the others. But NOW he’s stuck because he hasn’t felt like himself or like he KNEW himself at all since he was like 14/15, and he’s nearly 28 now and after over a decade of being in the army or “Hero of Warriors”, he doesn’t really know HOW to be him. He’s not yet at a point where he can fully realize the only thing that’s going to make him happy is becoming himself again, he knows he feels more relaxed when he feels safe but hes not really aware of how much his guard drops and how his act disappears when he’s completely at peace. He feels like he needs to keep playing this character of himself he’s made, and that includes keeping up appearances

He’s getting better about relaxing how strict he is with himself, he’ll allow himself lazy mornings where he doesn’t straighten his hair or do his makeup, but he almost obsessively dyes his hair and that’s the last thing he’ll stop doing, because I hc he looks VERY much like his mother and where he’s at right now, he couldn’t handle seeing that. (I hc his mother is alive, and so are all the sisters i hc he has, and they haven’t seen him since he left all those years ago because he feels like he CANNOT go back because hes so different now and he cannot handle the idea that home wouldnt feel like home anymore because he’s become a monster at war and he wont belong there anymore. He still writes home, and keeps in contact, and he’s seen Linkle (his twin), but he can’t bring himself to see his mother in his own face or just go home until he relearns who he actually is)

*wet cough* sorry for the yap 🥺 i have a lot of thoughts and he’s my special guy and this is how I characterize him in my writing (unless its an au or a specific other thing) so i think about him a LOT

if anyone is interested in this characterization of him heres a link to my main Wars series:

*collapses and dies*

#linked universe #linkeduniverse #lu headcanons #lu warriors #lu wars #jes ask #jes headcanons #jes fic

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sugarushwriting · 2 days

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vampire enhypen ot7, you’re their human blood bank. (part SEVEN!!??!)

they weren’t happy you ignored them

you’ve been punished; it’s the next day

you’ve learned some things

everything starts to fall apart for the boys

what happens next?

not proof read. feel free and please reblog, like, comment share!! but do not repost or translate.

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡

when you awoke the next morning, you found yourself in a familiar bed with familiar surroundings.

jays room.

you remember falling asleep in jake’s room after crying yourself to sleep after being exhausted.

you could still barely move, but had a bit more energy and strength to move your head and arms, but not the rest of your body. you internally cursed. how were you going to go to class?

you heard hushed whispers coming to the door so you quickly closed your eyes pretending to be asleep, calming your heart rate so they wouldn’t notice.

jay and sunghoon entered the room. “she’s still asleep.” sunghoon said.

“good. it means she can’t run from us.” jay said next.

“are you sure we didn’t go over board?” sunghoon asked worried.

“she’s still breathing, so that’s good. i don’t need her to be a brat right now and try to get past us.”

“what’s your plan jay? we keep poisoning her?”

poisoning? you almost blew your cover when your leg jerked but the guys ignored it after they quickly looked you over once more.

jay sighed. “if that’s what it fucking takes, yes.”

“it seems her body may be fighting the poison from our fangs or its wearing off.” sunghoon mentioned. you didn’t need to open your eyes to know he was staring at you. he was waiting to see if you would awake.

“it’ll be a while. jake was the last to go, and knowing him, he probably couldn’t control his use of fangs. it’ll be at least 24 more hours before it comes close to wearing out.”

you heard footsteps coming closer to you, and you had to continue to remain calm. you couldn’t blow your cover, especially after what you heard.

jay tenderly moved your hair from your face, cradling your cheek.

you pretended that his touch is what woke you up. you groaned from his touch, trying not to be repulsed. you slowly opened your eyes to a smiling jay.

“good morning love.”

sunghoon came next to you as well. “how are you feeling babydoll?”

your mouth was still dry. “sore.” you croaked out. “i—i can’t move.”

jays smile grew larger. “that’s okay love, you just had an exhausting night. get some rest. don’t worry about classes for the rest of the week.”

jay kissed your lips, sunghoon then kissed your forehead. “we’ll be around if you need us, doll.” sunghoon said softly.

he and jay walked out, and your mind raced with all kinds of thoughts,

mainly focused on they poisoning you? you racked your brain from yesterday, then realized they each did use their fangs on you. jay was first. he didn’t bite, but it felt like a pinch and then after he was done, you couldn’t move.

you became weak and exhausted.

same with sunghoon. and heeseung. and jake.

wait—jake.

jake didn’t use his fangs!

you gasped at the memory. jake didn’t use his fangs on you! meaning, the last to use the poison from their fangs was heeseung. maybe that’s why you had a bit more movement.

you looked around the room, noticing your phone was on the nightstand beside you, and your belongings were on the floor in jays room.

you finally noticed, and thankfully, was dressed back in a black oversized shirt and black boxers.

jay probably thought you wouldn’t have the strength and the only reason why he left your phone out next to you.

you mustered up all the strength you had to try and reach for your phone.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

“how is she?” ni-ki asked the olders as they came down the stairs.

“she’s okay still weak, but to be expected.” jay answered.

lucky for the three younger ones, they didn’t hear what the four oldest did to you. jay had made sure they had something in either their drink or food to make sure they slept through the night, and to repress their hearing. the youngest also didn’t realize they boys used the poison their fangs contain, to get you to behave, basically.

the youngest aren’t sure really what happened, other than jay found you not feeling well after class.

ni-ki finished his breakfast. “well i should get going before im late to class.”

“you don’t have class for another hour and a half.” jungwon said.

ni-ki froze in place getting up from his seat. sunoo smiled then teased, “he’s going to meet a special girl.”

“she’s not a special girl, she’s just a girl. that’s it. a simple, ordinary girl.” ni-ki argued.

“she better be. don’t get attached.” jay scolded. “the last thing you need is to get into more trouble because you couldn’t contain yourself and fed on another damn human.”

ni-ki bit his tongue, but before he could make a snark reply, his phone dinged from a text message.

eunchae: what coffee do you want today?

“i gotta go.” ni-ki said instead.

“we’ll come with you.” sunoo smiled.

jungwon and sunoo both got up to grab their school bags.

“we’ll make sure he behaves.” jungwon told the oldest boys.

“we will? i just wanted to snoop and meet this girl.” sunoo said.

ni-ki rolled his eyes and went to walk out the door with his two shadows behind him.

once they left, jake spoke, “how is she really?”

“she fine.” jay said shortly. “she’s living and breathing. that’s all that matters.”

“are we gonna just keep pumping her with our poison?” heeseung asked annoyed. “i didn’t like doing that to her.”

“it’s not like she felt anything if you did it right.” jay said.

sunghoon sighed. “she’ll be weak for another day or two since jake was the last one.”

jake’s eyes went wide as he scratched the back of his head. “about that—,”

all three snapped their heads to jake.

“jake?” sunghoon began, worried about what jake did or didn’t do.

jay intensely stared. “you did use your fangs, right?” he asked through gritted teeth.

jake sighed and shook his head. “jay, she couldn’t move at all! i was scared if i injected her with more poison she would’ve died or became permanently paralyzed.”

“shit.” jay yelled and ran up the stairs to his room. sunghoon, heeseung, and reluctantly jake followed behind.

he slammed his door open, almost causing it to knock a hole in the wall behind the knob.

there you were, on the ground, trying to crawl. jay looked up, your phone was still on the nightstand untouched. he let out a breath of relief then walked over to you.

“love, what are you doing?”

“don’t touch me!” you screamed, trying to pound your fist on jays chest. “get off of me! what did you all do to me!” you screamed trying to keep the tears at bay.

you still couldn’t move your lower body. jay was relieved at least half of you was still poisoned from their fangs.

“baby, everything is okay.” heeseung came up from behind jay, trying to calm you.

“fuck you heeseung!”

the doorbell downstairs rung.

“jake go answer it.” jay stated in his authortive tone. he was not happy with jake right now.

jake made no argument as he turned to answer the door downstairs.

you continued to crawl to make your way towards the door, but jay stepped in front of you and bent down.

“you’re not going anywhere love. i told you, you belong to us.”

you looked up to jay with tears in your eyes. “jay please—im sorry.”

jay picked you up and threw you back on the bed. he extended his fangs, ready to poison you once again, until he heard jake yelling for him and sunghoon to get down stairs quickly.

“keep an eye on her.” jay ordered to heeseung. he nodded.

jay and sunghoon made their way downstairs, arguing and mumbling wondering why jake couldn’t handle the guest at the door.

it wasn’t until jay and sunghoon made it to the bottom of the steps that they froze in place at the women standing in the foyer.

“sa—sakura?” jay swalloed.

“kazhua?” sunghoon said in shock.

“hi boys.” they both said in unison. with them was other girls, one with a bob, and the red hair girl sunghoon met the other day at your dorm. jen.

“this is chaewon and yunjin, or you can call her jennifer.” sakura introduced.

“we need to talk.” kazhua said. “immediately.”

“we are kind of busy.” jay said, still not believing sakura was standing in front of him.

how did she find him? how long has she been at this school?

“oh we know.” chae said with her arms crossed.

“go find her.” sakura ordered to chaewon and jen.

“you can’t just—,” sunghoon began but sakura silenced him.

“we can and we will. go girls.”

chaewon and jen went upstairs to find you.

“how did you know she was here?” jay asked.

“she texted us. i knew she had to be here.” sakura said calmly.

“you all talked to her, didn’t you?” sunghoon asked angrily. “feeding things into her mind that isn’t true!”

“we just told her about our past with you. we didn’t tell her anything she didn’t already know.” kazhua stated calmly.

jay and sunghoon didn’t appreciate how calm they were.

jake stood in shock that he was finally seeing and meeting the girls who changed jay and sunghoons life.

sakura and kazhua finally noticed jake’s stares. they nodded and bowed to the boy and he did the same and return.

jen and chaewon brought you down the stairs in their arms and your stuff on one of their backs. heeseung was right behind them.

“she can’t move her legs.” chaewon said.

“drop her.” jay ordered but the girls didn’t.

“he said, drop her.” sunghoon also ordered but the girls weren’t phased.

“your mind control won’t work on us, vampies.” jen said. “just like it won’t work on her.”

sunghoon took a breath in anger. they gave you something, they had to. that’s why you didn’t come with him that day.

“she will be coming with us.”

“no, she belongs here, with us. she is ours.” jays patience has left out the window. his voice got deeper. “you are not to take her.”

just then ni-ki walked in with eunchae laughing.

“ni-ki.” sunghoon said in warning. who was this girl?

“hi eunchae.” sakura greeted then turned to jay, “seems like one of your own is cozy with ours.”

“you just had to become friendly with a fucking seraphim.” sunghoon shook his head.

“hey! she’s nice and nothing is wrong with her.” ni-ki defended.

“this is eunchae? the damn girl you’ve been mentioning?” jay scolded.

“what’s the big problem?” ni-ki asked.

eunchae moved over to the older girls. slowly but surely your feelings in your legs was coming back, so you were able to just lean against jen to help stand you up with balance.

“you disobeyed us.”

“no! you said i just couldn’t be alone with a human. she’s not human now that you know.”

“that’s it you are going to switzerland.”

“no i am not! i have done everything you asked of me since i last messed up.”

“this sounds like a family matter. we will leave now.” sakura stated, and all the girls turned to leave.

when the boys tried to stop, sakura had enough and held out her hand, weakening the vampires. they immediately got headaches.

“we will be leaving with her and you will not be able to track us.”

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

it took another day, but you started to feel like yourself again. the boys poison had ran its course through your body, and the seraphims kept a close eye on you.

jay and sunghoon were distraught when you left, jake and heeseung mad at themselves for going along with the plan to begin with. jay was not happy with jake because without his poison, you were able to reach out to help. jay put all the blame on jake.

ni-ki has been ignoring jay due to his threat of sending him to switzerland. sunoo and jungwon had an idea of what happened, but stayed quiet to stay out of the mess.

you rested in the bunk below eunchae, reaching out to all your professors stating you had a family emergency and they were understanding, sending you your school work for the next 2 weeks.

sakura also had a helping hand in them being so nice and understanding about it.

the next day in class, ni-ki went up to eunchae to apologize about the olders behavior towards her the other day.

“it’s fine, im not surprised.”

“how is she?” he asked about you. eunchae hesitated. “i am not going to tell them if you tell me. im still pissed at them myself.”

eunchae sighed. “she’s okay. she’s better.”

“can i come see her, please?”

“i don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“please. i promise this is for me, not them.”

eunchae reluctantly agreed but made ni-ki blind folded so he couldn’t see the house. once inside she took the blind fold off and sakura gave eunchae a warning look.

ni-ki bowed apologetically with respect. “i am not here for them. i am worried about her myself. i promise i will not tell them about this.”

eunchae took ni-ki upstairs where you were. you were shocked to see ni-ki but relaxed. you, eunchae, and ni-ki just talked about random things.

it wasn’t until around 8 at night when ni-ki returned.

“go pack your bags, ni-ki. your flight is tomorrow.” jay ordered.

ni-ki scoffed, “i think i rather be anywhere but here.”

everything and everyone was falling apart.

“jay, go easy on him.” sunghoon said. “he probably was just with eunchae. no word on any humans hurt.”

“i don’t care, sunghoon. he blatantly ignored our rules once again.” jay said, leaving no room for any kick back.

that night ni-ki packed a duffle and showed up on the seraphims porch. he may not have remembered the house, but he could remember the smells around the area.

eunchae answered the door after receiving a call from him, “dude, it’s one in the morning!”

“im sorry,” ni-ki apologized. sakura came behind eunchae seeing the younger boy with tears fighting behind his eyes.

“come on in. you can sleep on the couch.”

sakuras inner mom side came out, although she wasn’t really a mom. honestly, she saw ni-ki as her own child like eunchae. they both were around the same age, and not to mention became a supernatural creature at such a young age. it’s not easy.

sakura made sure ni-ki was comfy on the couch, thankfully their couch big enough for the tall boy. she put some fruit out with tea and water. “i don’t have any blood, sorry.”

“it’s fine, i packed some.” he chuckled and got comfy on the couch. “thank you.”

“of course. you’re young. you don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“what’s going to happen with or to me?” ni-ki asks worried.

sakura sighed, “i don’t know, but let me figure it out, okay?”

you laid in bed wondering what was next for you. you couldn’t avoid the boys forever. you couldn’t hide forever, could you?

if they went through this much trouble to poison you and keep you at bay, what would they do next?

you sat up quickly in bed, and climbed the ladder to eunchae’s bed. you shook her awake.

“how do i become a seraphim?”

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡

i just need to note, I AM NOT SHIPPING ANY OF LE SSERAFIM WITH ENHYPEN

i am not shipping eunchae with ni-ki!!! i just think they would be great friends!!!

#enhypen x reader #enhypen ot7 #vampire enhypen #enhypen vampire au #le sserafim #seraphim #fanfic writing #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen fanfic #au fanfiction #fanfiction

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bluetoes-andstuff · 1 day

Text

A Hidden Desire

Chapter 2 - Once Upon A Time

Summary: Once upon a time… you wish to be rescued. Your rescuer is not who you would expect, but he hears your plea and rushes to your aid.

Rating: T (Eventual NSFW)

Word Count: 4.4K

Relationship: Caesar x Fem!Human Reader

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, implied sexual abuse

Previous Chapter

***If you are under 18 I would advise not reading, this is not an explicit chapter but this will be a story that explores nsfw themes later on. Best to just not go down the path to begin with. Be safe***

You wake up to the familiar, harsh reality of this dreadful camp after a long night of restless sleep. The tent you’ve recently started to call home is a tattered, makeshift structure, barely held together by willpower alone. In short… It was a mess. The fabric was worn and stained, letting in drafts of cold air with every slight breeze. The ground beneath you is hard and unforgiving, littered with pebbles and uneven clumps of dirt, and a thin blanket being your only comfort against the harsh chill.

Your pitiful collection of dirty, ripped clothes lie in a pile across the tent beside your other meager belongings. It didn’t amount to very much considering your camp’s habit of spontaneously uprooting, forcing you to leave behind whatever you couldn’t carry on foot.

The subtle aches of your body greet you as you slowly sit upright. You glance down towards your legs, covered in your baggy sleep pants, the gross memories from the day prior surfacing. You reach forward and wince as you slowly roll up your pant leg to expose the nasty gash bordered by a developing purple bruise. That was going to make it kind of difficult to get your chores done today.

You poke at the sore bruising. The entire area burned and you had a feeling it was going to be a difficult healing process. Your stomach spasms with a loud grumble, bringing to attention the hunger that gnaws at your stomach, and you push your face into your knees with a soft sob. Sometimes the reality of your situation just hits you all at once, and you can’t do anything more but cry, because what else can you do about it? You’re stuck here, and you’ve come to accept that now.

Your few personal items scattered about were almost like remnants of a life from a distant memory. A life you can only see through the eyes of childhood, reflected upon by a maturity brought on not only by age but circumstance. Abuse and misfortune is all you’ve known since the plague first took your parents six years ago. Even if you happen to escape this camp of abusers, you’re bound to stumble across another one eventually. It’s just how things worked now and you’ve come to accept it.

As you step outside, the camp comes to life around you. The air is thick with the smell of sweat and unwashed bodies, a smell you’ve sadly grown quite accustomed to. Everywhere, men are hollering and laughing, a general hum of conversation and jokes. You keep your head down to avoid any unwanted attention. You’ve resigned yourself to a life of torment, but that didn’t mean you wouldn’t try your best to avoid it at all costs.

Your first task of the day is to fetch water from the nearby stream. The bucket is heavy, and your arms tremble as you carry it back to the camp. Your injured leg adds a whole new level of difficulty, slowing the process to almost twice the time it’d usually take. No one takes care, or even notice, of your limp, or the constant grimace on your face. No one offers help, but you didn’t really expect them to.

As you pass by one of the larger tents, a man you’ve come to know as “Tommy” steps out. He frowns at you, and roves his eye up and down before scoffing.

“Don’t be so dramatic, kid. It ain’t that bad. Move faster.” His mouth actually upturns into a snarky grin and he laughs, but you know it wasn’t because it was a joke. You don’t say a word, because you know better than to argue. So instead, you nod quickly, pick up your pace and try your best to walk as normal as you can.

Back at your tent, you set the bucket down and begin cleaning the pile of boots piled up beside it. As you take a careful seat, another couple of men pass by and toss their boots into the large pile without even a simple word or glance at you. Your hands are raw and blistered, but you work diligently. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can get out of their line of sight.

As you scrub the dirt from the boots, your mind drifts as it usually does during these mindless chores. You escape into your recurring fantasy world, surrounded by lush green meadows, and wildflowers dancing at your feet. The air is crisp, the sun warm against your skin.

In these moments, you felt a fleeting sense of peace and comfort, a stark contrast to your reality. These dreams were a sanctuary; your final cling to sanity. A place where you could escape from the harsh reality of the fear and pain dominating your life. You longed for someone to come and take you away, to offer you the love and protection you had never known. Something you were rarely able to even receive from your own parents.

The daydreams, although always slightly different, always revolve around a particular event; a savior, someone strong and kind, coming to rescue you from this nightmare. The thought brings a faint smile to your lips, a giddy excitement as your fantasies bring to life a futile hope. You know better than to cling to such dreams. In this world, hope is a dangerous thing, a fragile illusion that can shatter with the slightest touch.

Yet, despite everything, a small part of you refuses to let go. It’s the part that dreams of freedom, that believes in the possibility of a better life. You hold onto that hope, even though you know it’s fruitless. It’s what keeps you going, what gives you the strength to face another day because maybe, just maybe, if you hope hard enough, your dreams just might come true.

****

Caesar led his group through the dense forest, the sound of thumping hooves muffled by the thick underbrush. The horses moved with practiced silence, their riders alert and watchful with weapons ready. As they neared the human camp, Caesar raised his hand with a quick sign and the group quickly dismounted and scurried up the nearby trees in a practiced order, their movements fluid and silent to blend seamlessly with the shadows.

From their new vantage point, Caesar observed the camp below. It was a sight he’s seen many times before through the years when humans got brave enough to venture into his territory. The area was a stark contrast to the natural beauty surrounding it, a blot of harsh order amidst the chaos of the forest. Tents were being set up in a precise, almost militaristic fashion, each one identical and devoid of any personal touch, fabrics worn and stained from years of constant use.

A crude fence was already being erected around the perimeter, its jagged edges a clear statement on their intention of permanence. Caesar was quick to note the weak points —areas where the wood was hastily patched or still unfinished. These would be the entry points for his attack if it came to such drastic measures.

Inside, commands and varying conversation were barked out, and the occasional burst of cruel laughter echoed through the camp. Not one voice he heard was that of a kind man. These men were not just survivors, vying for peace and a desire to live; they were predators, hardened by years of conflict and driven by a relentless need to dominate. Caesar had become well accustomed to men like this through the years.

This was all he needed to know to proceed. This camp was a place where fear would soon rule, and any semblance of humanity had already begun to fade. They needed to prevent this camp from becoming a permanent blight on their forest, and if they didn’t act now, they would only become stronger.

He was just about to pass on his orders to Koba, but a sparkling “light”, so-to-speak, caught his eye.

A human woman—You. Enveloped in an innocence so rare to find amongst humanity. You moved with a grace that stood out amidst the harshness of your surroundings, your beauty a stark contrast to the brutality of the camp.

Your clothes were worn and ripped, not at all a compliment to the beauty you possessed. You deserved far better. Caesar pictured a blue dress, to compliment the vibrant color he’s sure you held in your eyes. A flowy material, soft to the touch, to tease and foreshore the softness and gentleness of the skin it hid beneath.

His chest tightened and his stomach began to burn and roll as he watched you. It had been a long time since he had seen a human woman, especially one as alluring as you. Your hair, though unkempt, shone in the dim light, and your eyes, even from a distance, held a depth of emotion that drew him in. A desire to speak to you, touch you, and hold the entirety of your attention.

You carried a heavy bucket, your steps unsteady, revealing a soft, yet pronounced limp, causing a strain in every movement. He noticed the dark bruising on your arms and the way you cower and flinch when a man shouts and laughs at you.

It angered him in a way he wasn’t familiar with. It was fervid and dangerous, as he didn’t know if this was an instinctive emotion he’d be able to contain. He knew in his mind that any rash move could endanger his group, but that burn drew a curtain between his mind and heart. They needed to act fast before his anger called on him to do something stupid.

Caesar turned towards Rocket and Koba perched on branches beside him. Rocket was still focused on the camp and the guards spread around the perimeter, mouth parted open as it usually was when in deep thought. Koba, however, wore a scowl as he looked down upon the camp.

“We need to be careful,” Rocket eventually signs, his hoots of caution low and urgent. “There are many of them.”

Koba grunted in agreement, but his eyes were hard. “Humans are dangerous,” he signs, his expression filled with disdain. “We need to act before they do.”

Caesar’s mind raced as he considered their options, the thoughts of you begging to pull his attention away. “We need a plan,” he grunts as he signs. “We can’t just charge in. We need to create a distraction, something to draw the men away from her.”

Without any thought to mask his true intention, Caesar reveals his thoughts as they are and his chest immediately convulses with a weird nervousness as he stares at his two friends, waiting for their reactions.

Both Koba and Rocket give him a weird look, before looking down at where Caesar pointed. Right there, on the outskirts of the camp is a young human woman, and both apes look back to Caesar who now seems to act as a young chimp caught in the midst of a bout of mischief: guilty.

“What do you mean, “her”?” Koba signs emphatically “what about her?”

“She cannot get hurt,” Caesar quickly defends. “She is innocent.”

“How?” Koba retaliates, “she is human.”

“No, she is victim of humans… just like us.” Caesar doesn’t plead; he never pleads. But at this moment, he needs the others to understand. You cannot get hurt… he can’t allow it. And they need to understand.

Rocket nodded thoughtfully, cutting Koba off before he pursued the argument. He trusts in whatever Caesar decides. “We could use the horses,” he suggested. “Send them running through the camp. It will cause chaos and give us a chance to get her out before we attack.”

Koba’s scowl deepened. “Why risk our lives for a human?” he asked, hissing with contempt. “They are not worth it.”

Caesar looked back at you as you scrubbed away at men’s boots, his resolve hardening. “No one deserves to suffer like this. We will help her.”

He wants to help, he tells himself. It is for you, not for him. He expects nothing to come of this. He will not touch you, he will not pursue what he’s been wanting. He will not be selfish.

Rocket grinned, his eyes lighting up with excitement. “And while they’re distracted, we can take out the guards,” he added. “Quick and silent.”

Caesar nodded, ignoring Koba’s glare. “Good,” he said. “Rocket, you handle the distraction. Koba, you and I will take out the guards and get her. We move on my signal.”

The group nodded in agreement, though Koba’s reluctance was palpable. They moved into position, each ape taking their place in the plan. Caesar’s heart pounded with a mix of anger, determination, and maybe just a little bit of misplaced excitement. You deserved the world, he knew it, and he would make sure you got it.

Caesar watched as Rocket and a few others moved to enact the distraction, leaving him and Koba in position. His eyes returned to you and never left, your every movement drawing him in. He could feel Koba’s gaze boring into the side of his head, but he ignored him in favor of watching you. He would savor every moment he had to gaze upon you, because who knew how much longer he’d be able to. You were cleaning those boots with a quiet determination even despite the pain he could see etched on your face. But he could also see a glimmer of hope that refused to be extinguished.

Suddenly, one of the men approached you from behind. Caesar’s muscles tensed, nostrils flaring with a possessive huff. The look of a predatory male was universal across the animal kingdom and humans were not an exception. The man grabbed your arm roughly, yanking you to your feet, causing you to buckle on your bad leg with a soft cry. He yanked you again even as you tried to pull away, but his grip continued to tighten, his voice a low, menacing growl.

“C’mon sweetheart, you remember what happens when you put up a fight,” the man teases, his eyes raking over her with a lecherous gaze. The panic that overtook you was palpable, and you struggled harder in the man’s grip.

If Caesar was not so distracted by the occurrence of events, he would have noticed Koba’s accompanying growls of dissent and anger.

But his own heart was pounding in his chest, that surge of protective rage flooding through the very veins in his body. His muscles cramped with the restraint to act. Because if he didn’t act he knew something terrible would happen to you, something he didn’t dare want to think of. His vision narrowed, focusing solely on the man as he began to drag you, a poor little girl, across the camp while your body wracked with pleas and sobs. The world around Caesar seemed to fade, leaving only the burning need in his gut to protect what his heart had already apparently claimed as his own.

His nostrils flare with the heavy breaths and pants that leave his being, lips turning up to bare his teeth.

“Koba, stay,” Caesar whispered aloud, his voice tight with his barely controlled fury. He didn’t bother waiting for a response. With a roar that echoed through the forest floor below, he leaped from the trees, propelling him into the camp. He lands on the ground, immediately ducking into a roll to keep momentum, barreling forward on all fours towards the man his eyes are set on.

The man turned towards him, shock and panic flashing across his face at the sight of the approaching ape. His grip on you releases and you stumble back in fear. You gasp in shock as Caesar’s body collides with the man’s, the force of the impact sending him flying several feet away and left sprawled out on the ground.

“Do not touch!” Caesar barked, his canines on full display for the rest of the camp to see. An act of disobedience was an open invitation to be mauled by the towering ape king and they knew well what that meant.

You sat on the ground, cowering, knees tucked close to your chest as you tried to fit yourself beneath a nearby stand.

Koba had stayed back to watch the entire scene unfold, his eyes wide with shock, his usual disdain for humans momentarily forgotten. He had never seen Caesar act so impulsively, so stupidly. Without care for his own safety

The man Caesar had thrown scrambles to his feet, a newfound bravery at the sight of his comrades surrounding them, but Caesar was on him in an instant, vaulting forward in all fours once more. He grips the front of the man’s shirt, lifting him clear off the ground. “You will never… touch her… again,” Caesar spits, voice low and dangerous. His muzzle inches closer, his teeth bared to where the tips of his canines nearly brush against the man’s turned cheek.

The man whimpered, his bravado shattered. “Please, don’t kill me,” he begged, his voice trembling.

The other men surrounding him begin their onslaught, and he throws the one in his hands across the camp, sending him flying through one of their tents. He turns and positions himself between you and the others. He could see you trembling behind him, eyes boring holes into the side of his skull.

He would prove himself to you. He will prove he will protect you; that he can. You will see that he can provide you what you need.

The first man lunged at Caesar with a club, swinging it with all his might. Caesar raises a hand and halts it in the air, caught in his fist, and he tugs the man forward to hiss in his face. He yanks the club from his hands then swings his other arm around into the man’s gut, sending him skidding across the rocky ground.

Another came at him with a long knife, slashing wildly. Caesar grabbed his wrist, twisting it until the knife clattered to the ground and the fragile bone snapped in his grip.

He had no care to be gentle.

***

Koba watched the chaos unfold, his eyes narrowing. He knew Caesar was strong, but even he couldn’t take on so many men alone. It baffled him why Caesar stood to protect a mere human woman who hid so cowardly behind him. However mad Caesars actions appeared, Koba would stand by his king no matter the circumstance, so he shook off the distracted thoughts and flung himself into a hurried descent.

He rushed towards where Rocket and the others were waiting for Caesar's signal. He hoots to get their attention as he approaches. “Rocket!” he signs urgently. “We need to go now! Caesar’s in trouble!”

Rocket’s eyes widen and he hoots in alarm. “What happened?” he asked, him and the others already moving towards the horses.

“Humans attacked him,” Koba signs, approaching his own horse. “He’s trying to protect the human woman, but there are too many of them.”

Rocket didn’t need to hear more. He mounted his horse in one swift motion, the others following suit. He howled, a command the others knew well and they spurred their horses into a gallop, racing towards the camp.

The sound of hooves thundered through the camp as Rocket and the others burst through the unfinished barricade. The men surrounding Caesar turned, immediate panic descending upon the group at the sight of the approaching apes. Rocket leaped from his horse, landing in the midst of the fray with a fierce battle cry.

Caesar, bloodied but unbowed, felt a surge of relief as his friends joined the fight. Rocket tackled one of the men without hesitation. The other apes followed suit. And Koba, despite his earlier reluctance, fought with a savage intensity, his anger and resentment for the humans fueling his attack. He knocked a man unconscious with a single blow, grinning down at the bloody face left in his wake.

“Are you alright?” Koba signed to Caesar on his approach, his gentle hoots gruff but concerned.

Caesar nodded, then turned towards you who he still stood in defense of. “We need to get her out of here.” You remained huddled behind him, completely at loss to the signed conversation as you stared at the two apes with a wild, frightened look in your eyes.

The fight ends quickly. The few men remaining had fled not too long after the others arrived.

Watching the last of the men flee, Caesar turned to you behind him, his scowl immediately softening as he crouched low to the ground. “Safe,” he grumbles softly, offering one of his large hands to help you up. You hesitate for a long moment, your eyes wide and teary.

“Safe,” Caesar reiterates, pulling his other hand to his chest in a gesture to himself. Your eyes darted around towards the other apes gathered around him, lip beginning to tremble pitifully before reaching out a trembling hand. Caesar reaches the rest of the way to gently grasp onto your dainty fingers, pulling you forward gently to help you rise to your feet.

The moment your hands touched, he felt a spark igniting a dormant flame in his chest; that same warmth he felt earlier. Your hand was so small, so delicate, the skin so impossibly soft against his rough, calloused palm. More so than ever imagined it could be. He wondered how it would feel if you would thread your fingers through the fur of his chest and up his shoulders, down his arms… it makes his body spasm with a shiver.

He could feel your innocence, your vulnerability, in that simple contact. It was as if your very essence was communicating with him, whispering of the pain you had endured and the hope you still clung to.

Your small fingers trembled in his, as you gripped tightly to his fingers. Your fear and hesitance shivering through your body… yet your fierce grip clinging to his hand ignited something fierce within him, a desire so strong it took his breath away. He didn’t want to let go. Holding your hand felt like holding a fragile piece of light in a world shrouded in darkness. Letting go felt unthinkable, as if releasing your hand would mean losing a part of himself.

He wanted nothing more than to draw you closer to him and embrace you, blocking out the fears and uncertainty that swarm your mind as he nuzzled his face into the soft skin of your neck and breathed you in. But he doesn’t— he won’t… instead his eyes linger on your bruised and weary form, and the desperation in your eyes.

He didn’t want to let go… but he knew bringing you back to his camp could be dangerous, not just for you, but for his people. And he knew if he did bring you back, who knows how long he could cling to the control he had over his desires.

So he gently released your hand, your own hovering in the air, frozen in the moment he released her.

“Go,” Caesar grumbles, his voice heavy with reluctance, nostrils flaring with the internal frustration and restraint. “Find a…safe place… away… from here.” He gestured towards the forest.

You stared at him, confusion and conflict bleeding through her gaze. And then you spoke to him for the first time, a meer whisper of desperation, voice soft and sweet. “But… I have nowhere to go. I-I-I… Please, don’t leave me here.”

Caesar’s heart constricted at your words, heart beating rapidly, like he was in fear for his life. He wanted nothing more than to protect you, to keep you safe, to hold you close and never let go. But he also knew his own limitations, his own fears. Bringing you back might mean losing the little bit of control he’s been clinging to. It wouldn’t take long before his instinct and desire won over and he became possessive and controlling. It was a risk he couldn’t take. He couldn’t put you into a situation like that, you deserved better.

His lips crinkle in apology, eyes softening towards you. Then he tips his chin in a gesture for you to go and he turns towards his own horse to leave. But before he could take more than a few steps, you throw yourself forward, body colliding into his as you grab his arm, your small fingers digging into his fur, brushing against the rough skin beneath. “Please,” you begged, your voice breaking. “I have no one else. I-I…Please.”

Caesar stopped. He turned his head and saw the desperation in your eyes. The way you trusted him, needed him. The way you wanted him, even if you didn’t realize it yourself yet.

Rocket and the others watch in silence, all in awe at the sight of their leader buckling beneath the plea of a human.

Caesar’s chest heaves with his heavy breaths, his resolve finally cracking. He couldn’t just send you off, not when you had nowhere else to turn. And if you were asking to come with him… then it wouldn’t be his fault what might happen. It’s not him, deciding your fate for his own selfish reasons.

“Alright,” he said softly, his voice filled with a gentle determination. “Come.” He wraps his arm around your waist, pulling it from your grip to ease you forward towards his horse. He can feel the warmth radiating off you, the tantalizing brush of his fur against your clothed skin. One of the other apes holds the horse in place as you two approach and before you can so much as try to climb up on your own, Caesar grips you around the waist and lifts you effortlessly onto the stallion’s back. You squeak softly at the sudden movement, and you grapple forward once seated to grasp onto the horse's mane. Caesar can’t help but smile at your innocent anxiety and mounts behind you to ensure you wouldn’t fall.

The other apes around them mount their own steeds and Caesar grabs the reins with one hand, the other wrapping around your waist to pull you back into his body, slotting you so you sit comfortably between his legs. He spurs the horse forward with a soft hoot to direct the others to do so as well, and you grip tightly to his forearm as you move forward, pressing your back further into his chest to steady herself.

Caesar smiles and tightens his hold as they pick up pace to a gentle trot. He never would have pictured things turning out this way… a human woman pressed so closely to him, holding her, smelling her, feeling her against him. He already knew he was going to have a difficult time controlling himself.

In the midst of his thoughts, you lean back slightly, your body relaxing into his as you get lost in your own. For the first time in a long while, you felt a glimmer of hope. This ape, whoever he is, is safe… you are finally safe.

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**Thank you all very much for reading. I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you want to be added to the tag list let me know. Next chapter is when it starts to get pretty good, so stay tuned XD**

#caesar pota #planet of the apes #caesar planet of the apes #ape culture #caesar x human reader #caesar x reader #caesar and rocket #ape society #pota fanfic

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