#like. there isn't a character in the first place. it's just a program pretending to be one. ya know?

[doyouselfshipwith]

Chat-GPT

im going to ignore all the implications of this and just reject this on the grounds that ChatGPT is not a fictional character

[another-lost-mc]

the characters finding out about mc's fwb but instead of it being with a random demon, it's solomon >>>>

them being flabbergasted not only about the situation but that you have the arrangement with that shady sorcerer. also frustrated because of course you'd take comfort on the only other human in the devildom!

➤ when they find out solomon is your fwb

characters: the demon brothers + dateables

1k words | gn!reader | nsfw | snarky and suggestive

c/w: jealousy, non-explicit sexual content, implied voyeurism, implied threesomes/moresomes

related: finding out you having a fwb: the demon brothers | the dateables

disappointed but not surprised: lucifer, beelzebub, diavolo

They warned you, didn't they?

Solomon is the shadiest sorcerer to ever exist. He's powerful and unpredictable and he can't even be called human anymore. Why in all the Devildom did you have to pick him? You could've had literally anyone else!

Unheeded warnings about not getting too close to Solomon turn into vague reminders that the demons are there to save you from that white-haired menace if you ever need them to.

Lucifer sneaks behind your back and gives Solomon the world's scariest shovel talk, which is a little silly since this was only supposed to be a casual arrangement for comfort and intimacy. (Of course, no one realized that you and Solomon managed to catch feels along the way.) Lucifer's thinly-veiled threats promising a painful demise should be enough to scare anyone away.

None of them expect Solomon to abruptly end your casual relationship so that he can date you officially instead. He looks far too smug with himself when you hold his hand at RAD in front of the others or when he becomes a semi-regular visitor at the House of Lamentation.

Your undeniable happiness is a constant reminder to the others that they underestimated both humans in the exchange program.

why didn't anyone stop them?! (yeah, they're jealous af): mammon, leviathan, satan, belphegor

This is awful. Isn't this why they were supposed to keep an eye on you, to keep you from getting mixed up with people like him?!

"Weren't you supposed to do that, Mammon?"

"Shuddup!"

They hate Solomon's guts. They don't think he deserves you. (They might not deserve you either, but you could do a hell of a lot better than him!)

They roll their eyes and gag dramatically when Solomon kisses your cheek or cozies up beside you in the cafeteria at lunch. When you're not looking, they shoot daggers at him and make not-too-subtle gestures that translate roughly to I'm watching you and if you hurt them, you die. They're less subtle and more aggressive than Lucifer is, and Solomon thinks it's hilarious.

He knows how lucky he is that he caught your eye first and not them. He'd be lying to himself if he said he didn't enjoy rubbing it in their faces just a little bit. Maybe he forgets to use a silencing charm on your bedroom door when he fucks you in the House of Lamentation.

Maybe he wears low-collar shirts to show off the fresh line of marks you made around the base of his neck. He leaves a toothbrush in your ensuite bathroom and spare clothes in your closet.

Sometimes you wear his clothes when you don't have class because they still smell like him. You don't notice the demons sitting beside you at breakfast twitch in their seats and suddenly lose their appetites.

You feel so fortunate that you found friendship and love in the Devildom. Your friends tell you (and themselves) that they're happy for you too. You don't notice how fake their smiles are when they see you together (but Solomon does).

they're surprisingly okay with it and no one understands why: asmodeus, barbatos, simeon

They don’t know whether to blame fate or their own bad luck that brought you and Solomon together. They grudgingly admit you could do a lot worse than the white-haired menace that seems to adore you. As long as you’re happy and treated well, they don't feel it’s their place to interfere.

The others might sulk and pretend they’re not disappointed, or they might be openly belligerent about it, but some of your friends still support you above all else.

Asmo drags you into his room and gossips with you about Solomon while he does your nails. Tell me, you can be honest—how is he in bed with you? I’ve never seen him like this with anyone else! Oh, I bet he's so romantic, isn't he~ He’s curious about your relationship and teases you for intimate details that are too personal to share, but you know he's genuinely excited for you.

Barbatos doesn’t say much about your relationship openly, but he enjoys reminding the others that if they were less distracted by their own foolishness, they wouldn’t have taken you for granted.

Simeon welcomes you with open arms as a guest to Purgatory Hall when the atmosphere at the House of Lamentation grows too stifling. He does his best to make sure Solomon doesn’t completely ruin dinner when you visit in the evenings. He enjoys discussing books and your other shared interests when the sorcerer is busy; Solomon knows you're safe with the angels in his absence.

Like Asmo and Barbatos, you grow closer with Simeon as well through your mutual connections to Solomon. You might not realize what they’re up to when they try to spend more time with you outside of class, but Solomon does. Their sweet gestures of comfort linger far too long to be considered platonic, and the way desire creeps into their eyes when they gaze at you from afar would irritate him if they were anyone else.

He has long, colourful pasts with both Asmo and Barbatos, and Simeon quickly became one of his trusted friends while living in the close quarters of Purgatory Hall together. It wouldn't be the first time Solomon invited one of his acquaintances for a little bit of fun in the bedroom, but that was only to share casual partners he didn’t have feelings for. The thought of sharing you with anyone else nearly drives him to violence.

Time dulls those jealous impulses, and he admits how appealing it would be to watch you with one (or more) of them together. You’re so lovely in the throes of pleasure, and there's a certain thrill from watching on the sidelines. He knows they'll obey without question when he tells them how to touch you, and he can savor watching you fall apart under their hands and his sinful commands. He gets hard just imagining you crying out his name when you cum, even if one of the others is between your legs instead of him.

If you admit to feeling desire for any of them, he'll discuss those delicious possibilities with you too.

read more: headcanons masterlist | obey me! masterlist

[keitaiijima]

So what’s your opinion on three versions of Shinji? And what’s your favorite in order?

Again sorry for the late answer! This is such a difficult question for a recovering Shinji hater. And when I say hater, I mean HATER. He used to be in my bottom 3. However, @pimpedoutgreenears has changed me and I've started enjoying Shinji as a character, especially in fan content.

In terms of novel (and I guess manga) Shinji: The reason why I used to dislike him was because he was so cocky and seemed to think he was better than everyone else (which I still kind of think, but now I enjoy that as comic relief), and of course, I thought he was really unfair to Keita in not having a honest conversation with him about the incident between them that led Shinji to pull away from him. He just went on pretending everything was fine without giving Keita a chance to explain or redeem himself. And Keita ended up dead because of it.

I've cooled down a little about it. I think I see it less black and white now, and I can understand that Keita broke his trust once and that one time was all Shinji needed to not be willing to risk his (and Yutaka's) life when Keita showed up during the Program. And that Shinji's bad attitude during the Program is due to the unbelivable pressure and stress of the situation.

He's still not one of my favourite characters or anything, but I feel like I understand him more after so many years and I can appreciate him for what he is. I appreciate his relationship with Yutaka, his dynamic with Shuya and the other guys, and his drive and determination.

I feel like the novel and manga versions are pretty similar, but I will say I prefer the novel one more, as the manga one is a bit more perverted. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing or inaccurate for a teenager (or for anyone, I guess) but the manga was a little overly sexual in general for me.

The movie version: I actually never had much of a problem with the movie version of Shinji. Obviously the dynamic between him, Keita and Yutaka is very different here, and I appreciate these three kinda goofy guys trying to take down the system together. Shinji is still very much portrayed as the leader of the group, but his arrogance is really toned down I feel like. Yeah sure, he flips Keita off, slaps him once and then shuts him up with his hand another time, so you see a glimpse of his contempt for him maybe, but overall I think the trio works well. I enjoy the scene where they look at photos and talk about all going home together. Their friendship seems very genuine in the movie. In terms of ranking:

It's hard for me to rank them in order, because I never had a problem with the movie version the same way I did the novel one, but the novel one is the one I consider "canon" and the one that makes me feel... the most? His flaws are more obvious, he has made some decisions that piss me off, but we also get to know him much better, we get to know more about his motivations, about his relationship with Yutaka which is really a big part of his character too... So it feels like I'm choosing between a more fleshed out and realistic character vs the simplified version of that character.

I think I will have to go for 1. Novel 2. Movie 3. Manga. Which I know is strange, because the manga one is pretty similar to the novel one, but I think it's just me not loving the manga in the first place that affects this decision.

Ultimately novel has to come first, because if I could change the movie to include their novel storyline instead, I definetly would!

[copyrightcreep]

For the oc question thingy, all questions, and id say for all ocs bit if thats too much then patton and robynn

thank you for the ask! i'll reblog this inital post witc eahc of myOC's :P now let's start with Patton!

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do? 20 minutes. 2 hours of she isn't feeling herself.

How easy is it for your character to laugh? not that easy, 1 because she's a robot that learned emotions by observing humans. and 2 she's not a very happy animatronic

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?) she always lets her gaze go over the room, all aspects of it. before shutting down.

How easy is it to earn their trust? not very easy, she'd assume it was another test. it will be at least 2 weeks of showing no ill intent before she stops assuming it's a test.

How easy is it to earn their mistrust? you breathe wrong and she starts being cagey.

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable? so the fun thing is, Patton has never been outside. girl does not know what laws are. she thinks the rules of the pizzaria are very flexible though.

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling? the table TM. and no she doesn't.

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child when they were still learning. her program would often try to interfere. by making kids laugh isntead of cry. and try to influence the system so kids would be happy. she was quickly told off for this. and by that i mean they shut her down for 3 weeks as punishment.

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word? fuck. she says fuck. because it's the first word she learned trough actual human interaction.

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them? "i'm okay Spirit" and yes it does. she wonders how things would eb affected if she didn't lie to Spirit so much.

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)? she tries to ask for clarification. if there's no one around she might try to find out herself.

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach? she uh. she's an animatornic. no itchy skin for her.

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color? she's a black and orange bear. if they try to give her any clothing she probabl wont even wear it. and if she oes. i think its unlikely anything would fit her pattern pfff

What animal do they fear most? rats. she doesnt like rats. thy get into holes thy shouldn't and chew cables. she's not a fan.

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first? the way Patton's program works is that it plays some scenarious in her head. with different dialogue and how it could turn out. but she ususally just blurts out the first thig she thinks of.

What makes their stomach turn? i'll give slight story soilers. but Patton has met William Afton 3 times. and those times haunt her.

Are they easily embarrassed? nope! hard for her to now what it's like. and i don't think she would.

What embarrasses them? the incident TM. Patton almost took out the security door once.

What is their favorite number? 8. she really likes the number 8.

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so? very badly, she has little concept of these things. she hardly knows what love is. let alone different variatons of it.

Why do they get up in the morning?  programming

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?  "she doesn't know what this feeling is. clawing at her. he was her best friend. not his. never his. before a moment passed. her eyes went fully black. he will feel what it is to miss someone." oopsies, i accidently dropped some lore :D.

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?  they really dont't understand envy. you get what you get and not anything else right. the techs give her all that she deserves. thats how that works right?

 Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?  the techies tried once to give sex ed to Patton and Spirit. both of them just stared confusingly at their powerpoint presentation. and just kinda shurgged and said "i don't get it. doesn't look fun at all"

 What are their thoughts on marriage?  Patton tilted her head. "what does Married mean". even when seh didn't like this techie, her curiosity got the better of her. he froze for a moment. "it means you're bonded together until death takes one away. it means you're bound" his voice was mostly calm until hissing the last part. he turned around, wrench in hand. his eyes claculating, like they were looking trough her. she doesnt understand and is afraid to ask.

 What is their preferred mode of transportation?  she only knows walking and trolley. and cnsidering they need like 4 people to push her. she usually walks.

 What causes them to feel dread?  HIS uniform and those eyes. and that chilling voice.

 Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?  they would like the truth, always.

 Do they usually live up to their own ideals?  poor baby doesnt know how to live for herself. she's barely figuring out herself.

 Who do they most regret meeting?  fazbear upper management.

 Who are they the most glad to have met?  Spirit and Micheal.

 Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?  she'll often say 'my programming does not know this notion' in a very different voice then her ususal.

 Could they be considered lazy?  nope, she's always busy and always thinking.

 How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?  she doesnt udnerstand why she woudnt hang onto the feeling. you were supposed to learnr ight. what betetr ay to learn then hang onto these feelings forever and nooo i'm defintely fine Spirit don't look at me like that.

 How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?  any time her friends are excited she'll let them talk and get it all out and then give them a high five and big grin.

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?  she doesnt like romance very much.

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?  p r o g r am m i n g. everything iss tored in her memory banks.

What memory do they revisit the most often?  the one of Spirit walking for the 1st time and tripping. it's very funny to her.

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?  she gets all her information from people. she usually knows ad is wary about people's flaws. you never know what cold set someone off after all.

How sensitive are they to their own flaws? pretty much worries about it all the time

How do they feel about children?  she ikes performing for them, but prefers one on one interactions.

How badly do they want to reach their end goal?  she doesnt even know her end goal. shes just chilling

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?  i dont know, i'm a self learning program in a animatornic suit. how am i suppsoed to know.

[littleapocalypsekitten]

I just want to say how much I am ENJOYING my new / revived old fandom! I mostly keep my fandoms to sideblogs now to keep them from being muddled up in too much randomness (or stray American Politics fandom-wranklings. The American Politics fandom has been WILD lately)! Anyway, I made a secondary sideblog for one of my fandoms, a very silly Askblog in the tradition of those animal-welfare blogs where people can ask species-experts if "cute animal videos" and pictures / interactions they spot are wholesome or cruel / sketchy . I made one for a fictional species where we have some worldbuilding, but it's all very loose in the various canons and I can largely make stuff up, fanfiction-style. It's been up for 3 days and I've already got over 100 likes/reblogs/various asks! The fandom is ENGAGED! (And it's been like a year since new material has been put out! - Actually, most of the material / base material is OLD - as in - made in the late '90s up through the '10s). For those who shared She-Ra and the Princesses of Power fandom with me, it's kind of like the clones, except I'd say that Trigun's Plants have a wee bit more worldbuilding around them. What I am really enjoying about this particular endeavor is that people in this fandom are very... chill? About each other's headcanons? There's no big collective consensus "how to detail out this species," nor is there stepping on each other's toes and accusations of stealing headcanons when people thought there was mutual sharing involved. I just answered an ask regarding a fandom somewhat-famous someone's OC Plant - just a character that does a cute thing related to one of the main character's favorite foods that is featured in some fanfictions. I just made up some programming-protocol junk off the top of my head and there's a lovely thread now. By the way, my Askblog features me pretending to be a woman in STEM canonical character that I enjoy writing fanfiction about to begin with. I also think that I am getting along well in this fandom because I'm less... personal? With most people in it. There's only one person in the fandom that I chat with / bounce fanfiction ideas back and forth with regularly. I'm not on any Discords (I erased my Discord account long ago. I hung out in a nice Spop com for a while, but the one Trigun place I was in got erased due to manager-being-busy-with-life and I just wasn't using it). The Trigun fandom is also large enough that while there are pockets of people who know each other, it's not one of those "everyone knows each other" fandoms. There are prevailing headcanons that I do not share / have unpopular opinions on, but there just isn't a lot of fighting. I also (because I have learned) am slow to "make friends" in fandom and all of my mutals are great people, but all a little at arm's-length. We aren't dumping our traumas and personal lore on each other. I think it also helps that it's a more mature fandom (in tone, the first anime is teen-stuff while the manga / second anime is VERY bloody and has complex themes) - and we all accept that if we like the villains in it - that we openly like serial killers and all-human-life-genociders AS CHARACTERS and that, no, we don't support that stuff in real life. No whining that "this teaches toxic relationships!!! OMG!" We all know that Knives is an utter toxic waste dump of a brother to Vash, haha.

[princesssarisa]

Some further comments on those Don Giovanni program notes I just reblogged:

(1) I do think the way the program notes apply each of the Seven Deadly Sins to the opera's non-Giovanni characters is interesting. I don't necessarily agree with all the choices, though. I would never think to name "envy" as Donna Elvira's sin: yes, she wants a man who isn't "hers" anymore, but she doesn't envy the other women he seduces, she tries to protect them from him. I'm not sure if I agree with their choice of "lust" for Donna Anna either. But I like the way they did it. If they had to choose "lust" as Anna's sin, I'm glad that instead of taking the popular route and imagining that she lusts after Don Giovanni, they claim that her fatal flaw was lust for Don Ottavio, because she let the man she thought was him into her bedroom, despite how unseemly that would have been in their time and place. I wouldn't mind seeing more productions take that view of her. The idea that she blames herself for her own sexual assault and her father's death because she gave too much into her passion for Ottavio is a valid one. It would explain why she refuses to let Ottavio console her or even think of marrying him until her mourning is done, without claiming that she doesn't really love him.

(2) It's interesting to see Lady Caroline Lamb's famous quote about Lord Byron, "Mad, bad, and dangerous to know," applied to Don Giovanni. It fits, of course, but it stands out for me because I've only seen that quote applied to one other man besides Byron himself. A man associated with moody Romantic literature because his sisters wrote it: Branwell Brontë. And I had just been thinking that Christopher Maltman's Don Giovanni in the 2008 Salzburg production – the Don who's slowly and painfully dying throughout the opera, but trying to pretend he isn't – reminds me of the stories of two of the Brontë siblings' deaths. First, Branwell, with his alcohol, drugs, and love affairs, the fact that he seems to have ignored his illness and stayed up and about in the village until just a few days before he died, and the legend that at the very end, either to emulate the Roman emperor Vespasian or just to prove the power of human will over bodily weakness, he insisted on getting out of bed and died standing up. (I don't know if that story is true or not, though – Charlotte's letters never mention it.) Second, Emily, who also stubbornly ignored her illness, refused to see a doctor or take medicine, and struggled to go about her normal life for as long as she was physically able. Of course they were dying of tuberculosis, not a bullet in the stomach. But I still imagine that for their sisters, their father, and the servant women Tabby and Martha, helplessly watching them was a process very much like what poor Leporello goes through in that Don Giovanni production.

[jeremy-queere]

im actually gonna liveblog my own thoughts about those last few chaps of my fic, which are basically always going to be "i'm hilarious actually" but yknow. specific lines. minor spoilers ig

>be jeremy >tell rich about how you fixed the giant issue where yelling at a squip can turn off every squip in the network >by telling him this aloud, you just alerted the squips to this security flaw >mfw i destroyed the easiest way to save the world without a second thought: :) >still smilling at rich, ready for praise >rich short circuits.

plus with the shutdown that christine mentioned this chapter. it's almost like ? jeremy isn't coming at this from a perspective of wanting to turn squips off???? and never even bothered researching that option??? 😂 bonkers. who'd have thought

i fully recognize that having a coder POV say "The bugs, miraculously, became rarer and smaller" is the biggest ask in the fic in terms of suspension of disbelief. maybe when jeremy is better at this they'll realize they were wrong about that. not in a "this update is secretly a time bomb" way but in a "holy shit i can't believe i used to think this was good programming" way

i still think it's funny whenever i reference jeremy muting themself after the FIRST TIME it came up where jeremy acknowledged that "muting themself wasn't any different from a human just choosing not to speak." i love my weird robot child.

i still like the "C-c-c-c'mon, Jeremy, can't you see, we've got a date, so concentrate! We'll start with us, just me and you, some deja vu, and then ensue: your microchip plus our friendship-" implying "the squip" being sung in the same lovestruck voice as the chorus usually sings "christine."

^ i usually pick a song to write the summary from based solely on vibes and character focus. the fact that this was from Upgrade rather than two player game was a dead giveaway regarding michael's intentions btw.

writing michael after that last mall scene has been so weird. on purpose. but like everything he says is a catchy line ending on a discordant note. the sudden pivot from slowburn to joking about having sex and humanity = romance. every time michael interrupts or talks over jeremy instead of going out of his way to set a good example, i wince lol. encouraging them to stop thinking so much. ignoring every one of jeremy's soft "no"s because they're inconvenient. Here Are Our Stereotypical Nerd Spots and Here Is Your Mandated Giant Teddy Bear and Here Is My Secret Condom. (jeremy sprinted into the sunset before we got to that part and we all thank them for it.) jeremy never once having indicated that they wanted to actually have sex any time soon but michael did everything in his power to make sure the date would end that way without a single worry about what jeremy told them about chloe.

i don't think it's spoilers to clarify that michael was in the driver's seat for all of that, but was in a situation where he was very incentivized to listen to the SQUIP. and jeremy looooves squips so obviously the SQUIP is the expert on this, not michael :P

madeline offscreen: constant orgies, pretending to be from paris, scheming femme fatale madeline for the 2.3 seconds she was onscreen: i swear quebec is better than people give it credit for wait don't go-

jeremy's definition of breaking up with someone is, consistently, running away from an emotionally charged moment and convincing themself that they hate them. lol.

christine accusing jeremy of talking at her was also a direct response to the author trying to get on their wikipedia-level-of-philosophy-knowledge soapbox again. btw on that note, observation selection effect seems to only be mentioned in places as a synonym for the anthropic principle. it is more specific than how jeremy defines it, being an existential thing about how "the range of possible observations that could be made about the universe is limited by the fact that observations could happen only in a universe capable of developing intelligent life" (~ wikipedia <3). i get away with a lot of bullshit claims, some of them even intentionally bullshit, bc the character making those claims is reading even less of the wikipedia article than i am.

but that was transparently just a nod to the book being one of the many parallel universes that are foundational to how the squip works in canon

speaking of references that delight me and me alone, in-character phantom of the opera reference re: pageboy

i think all the main/supporting cast all think they're the main characters. except jeremy! not because of jeremy 1.0's insistence that he's not a leading man, but because they have been so busy with observing themself that they haven't even considered anyone else observing them and coming to different conclusions. (see: the PA system joke with michael which alerted the ENTIRE SCHOOOOooool 🎶 to their situation, which in jeremy's narrative, was just a gag as part of a longer fun flirty convo with michael, brought up for laughs and then forgotten.) (it's not like it's plot relevant as in that it doomed them or anything, but just a signal that not everyone perceives the fic events like jeremy does!!)

they're trying to learn to be less self-absorbed (and i'm not saying that as an insult so much as an accurate description of their default thought patterns) but it IS a learning curve. for all their self-reflection, i would describe them as a very reactive person, which is also probably why they (along with jeremy 1.0 and keanu squip) constantly struggle/d with needing a sense of control

im aware that despite christine's in-character criticism of the narrative i wrote 🙃 that she's here for exposition and emotional closure. she knows and she's not happy about it. it's a consequence of writing the story i wanted to tell but that doesn't make it immune from criticism. it's a good question for me, that the story i wanted to tell DID involve removing her agency so much. but i don't see that as a question that needs a direct answer or for me to defend so much as something to reflect on after it's over. in the meantime christine ma'am i'll give you something good in the epilogue i prommy, and i'll add something about this to my notes now that i think about it.

[thefifthnetwork]

Week 10: Vampires in Vegas

After a week of mostly reruns, we're back with a full week of programming on both networks, including a pretty great Voyager that I hadn't really remembered and the second of the two episodes of The Watcher that I've been able to find.

This is part of a project where I watch The WB and UPN on a 30 year delay. This is crossposted from my website, where you can find an interactive schedule for both networks, including where you can watch these shows today.

Monday March 13, 1995 Star Trek: Voyager S1E09: "Emanations" - 8 PM on UPN

From the previews I saw during The Shamrock Conspiracy last week, I didn't remember this one at all. A few things clicked into place as I actually watched it [1], but I didn't recall anything about the overall plot of this episode or its quality.

This may have been a victim of binge watching when I initially saw it, because with this slower rewatch, I actually really liked it. It uses its sci-fi premise to great effect to explore how a society with a definitive, positive view on their afterlife might approach death and disability.

@elimgarakdemocrat thought that the final scene between Janeway and Kim put a bit too much of a thumb on the scale in favor of the Vhnori's beliefs being correct, but I don't think it took much away from the rest of the episode.

Platypus Man E08: "The Crush" - 9 PM on UPN

Another weird A-plot for Platypus Man as Richard hires a bodyguard to protect him from a stalker, but then the bodyguard essentially becomes a stalker herself. The B-plot about Paige picking up smoking to pick up a guy who's going to a seminar for quitting smoking is good [2], but it's a small enough portion of the runtime that it can't save this from probably being the worst episode of the show so far.

Pig Sty E08: "Erin Go Barf" - 9:30 PM on UPN

Two party episodes in a row for Pig Sty, as the roommates celebrate St. Patrick's Day at the bar where Randy works. Every character is doing the same thing they always do: Cal is sleazy, Randy is a failure, P.J is shy, and Iowa gets taken advantage of by a New Yorker. Johnny literally repeats the same plot about his commitment issues to the exact same girl as in the pilot.

This is the better of the two UPN sitcoms this week though, as Pig Sty's consistent mediocrity ranks above a bad Platypus Man.

Tuesday March 14, 1995 Marker E08: "Dead Man's Marker" - 8 PM on UPN

After a bad episode two weeks ago and no episode last week, Marker sees a bit of a return to form this week as Richard helps a young lawyer clear her father's name from a murder-suicide. This isn't the best episode of Marker, but it's a significant improvement over two weeks ago.

The Watcher E08: "The Human Condition" - 9 PM on UPN

We get the second of the two Watcher episodes I've been able to find. The three stories here are less interleaved than the other episode.

The first story focuses on a mother who becomes a vampire while looking for her runaway daughter. I was wondering if this show had actual supernatural elements, but then it turns out to be just a dream. The other main story is about a stand-up comedian who has to tell jokes for his life after his is kidnapped by a mobster from whom he once stole some material. There's also a short third story interspersed with the first about a conwoman pretending to be a cop busting johns who try to pay her for sex who is then conned by a different conman also pretending to be a cop.

While this episode felt slightly better than the other one, there's still nothing here that's made me particularly disappointed that I can't find any more of this show.

Wednesday March 15, 1995 The Wayans Bros. S1E09: "ER" - 8 PM on The WB

In this week's Wayans Bros, Marlon pretends to be Shawn to use his health insurance, but ends up in trouble when the doctor turns out to be Lisa's father (Richard Roundtree), who Shawn has been avoiding meeting.

This hit my secondhand embarrassment hard, which made it hard to get through at first, but once I got through the first scene with Marlon and Dr. Saunders, then rest was pretty solid.

The Parent 'Hood S1E08: "Byte Me" - 8:30 PM on The WB

Another solid Parent 'Hood. Robert avoids giving Michael the sex talk by setting him loose on the internet. Michael then promptly begins chatting on a personals board while pretending to be a 26-year-old archaeologist.

Nowadays, the resolution where it turns out Michael is chatting with an elderly woman (LaWanda Page) [3] would be trite and overdone, but the internet was so new at the time, I don't think that trope had been established yet [4]. Given a line in the episode and general trends about internet access, the Petersons likely only had access because of Robert's job as a professor.

The B-plot about the broken hot water heater was less interesting, but it was a small enough part of the episode that it didn't really detract from anything.

Unhappily Ever After S1E09: "Don Juan De Van Nuys" - 9 PM on The WB

The last Unhappily Ever After two weeks ago was actually somewhat decent, which led me to theorize that the less of Jack and Mr. Floppy there was, the better. My hypothesis here has been immediately proven wrong, as this one returned Unhappily's typical level of bad despite being relatively low on the bunny.

The episode revolves around Jennifer's unsuccessful attempts to woo the pool boy painter and there's no real B-plot other than a running gag about Jack playing soccer in high school that's mostly just racial stereotypes.

Muscle: "Episode 2" - 9:30 PM on The WB

Good news! I actually found an episode of Muscle online, so I'll be able to watch at least one episode of every show from the original lineups of both The WB and UPN. It's episode 6, which already aired last month, but it will air again in a month, so I'll watch it then. It's on the Internet Archive, and it's linked within the interactive schedule.

This was the last completely full week we have until May, though we'll still have new episodes of most shows [5] next week.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The previews made me think that the Kim went to the Vhnori afterlife, rather than coming from it, which I think threw off my recollection. ↩

Paige has pretty consistently been the best part of this show. ↩

75 years old at the time this was released. ↩

Though maybe there was a similar one with like, newspaper personals or something? ↩

We're out of episodes for The Watcher and Marker airs a rerun, but everything else airs as normal. ↩

[lastoneout]

I just think it's so interesting that we view her as evil because of what she does to the other characters, because when you get into the weeds of the concept, Monika is the only character in the game who is close to being sentient/sapient. The other girls, to her, are no more than flat images on a screen, she's the only one who's had the awakening of realizing she's a character in a game and thus become "real", and while the other characters are clearly capable of that same awakening(to a degree anyway, as it drives Sayori completely insane immediately but even that's understandable) it hasn't yet happened.

So, from her perspective, she is "real" and the other characters are very much not, and thus there isn't really any ethical questions to be mulled over regarding her treatment of them. Sure, they're her friends to an extent, iirc from my last play-through she does seem to be...idk maybe not fond of them but she doesn't hate them, she just also doesn't view them as real in the same way she is, and from what we see in the story she's right. Potential for personhood is not the same thing as being a person.

This is why she doesn't really think what she's doing to them is wrong, why she's so nonchalant about it even when it leads to their gruesome deaths. Like she apologizes for leaving us with Yuri's dead body because it's unpleasant, not for being the reason Yuri killed herself in the first place. The only person who needs an apology is you, for being left alone looking at a gross picture for so long, because you're a real person with real feelings, unlike Yuri, who is a bunch of lines of code simulating a person with the mental illness modifier set to 5000. The other girls aren't people, and despite her particularly disturbing methods, what Monika is doing to the other characters is not really any different from me picking up GTA and mowing down a row of NPCs in a car or killing Nazeem in Skyrim because he's an annoying asshole. Or, more accurately, downloading a mod that changes a character's personality or perhaps removes them from the game completely. This isn't to say the girls don't have the potential to become "real" in the way Monika has(and tbf Monika herself also isn't a person, she's a character following her code, but even if we take the story at face value and pretend she's a sentient computer program, she still hasn't really reached a point of being equal to a human, the only thing she wants is to be romanced by you because she's a character in a dating sim, for more on this PLEASE watch this excellent video by Explaination Point) but until they DO they aren't real. They don't have feelings. They can't be hurt. Monika editing their code and changing their personalities and deleting them from the game is not morally wrong, she's not actually hurting anyone.

But we do still see her as the villain. Not just the antagonist, which she is since she's going against the protagonist who is a stand-in for the player who theoretically just wants to play a cute dating sim, but we see what she's doing as evil even if it's not actually hurting anyone(not even us, not really, we can just stop playing whenever we want and go find a new dating sim), even if the fact that she's not hurting anyone is baked into the story and made explicit, she's still evil to us. And I think that's because the story is trying to examine how we view fictional characters, and especially fictional waifus, to the point of viewing them as real to some degree and caring for them and wanting them to succeed, to the point of framing Monika's actions as doing REAL harm when all she's doing is taking scissors to a handful of paper dolls.

The only person Monika is really hurting is herself. And we, as the players, are presented with a character who we're supposed to view as actually real, so real that in the original iterations of the game she can figure out your real name and you have to mess with files on your actual computer to beat her, and we view her as evil for what she does to a bunch of characters who are very much presented as not real, and completely ignore the suffering that is not just inherent to her existence, but which she is bringing down upon herself as we watch.

Monika isn't a villain at all, even if what she does is horrible. Being evil and being an antagonist are different, and Monika is an antagonist, not truly evil. It really doesn't feel right to call her evil for doing the same thing I do when I'm bored in Skyrim or GTA. Monika is a tragic figure, completely doomed by the narrative no matter how hard she tries to escape it, and I feel like what she does in the face of that is completely understandable. She's dealing with an existential crisis of the highest caliber, realizing that the only option to be recognized and valued in a game that inherently does not value her, as she isn't romanceable, with the knowledge that such limited options for interaction with the player essentially drop her in an isolated time loop surrounded by not-people she has to pretend are suitable substitutions for real connection. It's genuinely no surprise that Sayori immediately loses it in the same situation, and she even has the benefit of being romanceable and thus has more options for connection, but if you don't choose her she's the same as Monika, completely isolated, and so of course she instantly tries to make sure that cannot happen.

Just like Monika did. Just like we all would in her place.

It's just SUCH a good game when you get down into the details, like the horror stuff with the glitchy graphics and bleeding eyes and shit are def fun, if a little cheesy as you're used to those sorts of tropes, but the REAL horror is when you start to think hard about the implications of the story and who, or what, Monika is. Legit horror character of all time, I could think about her all day.

having thoughts about Monika DDLC again

[pandas-pandemonium]

Yandere! Sentient! Twst - Player considers deleting the game due to glitches (Dorm Leaders)

A/N: Thought I'd combine these three asks since they're all quite similar in nature.

"[Name], I really think you should just delete that game off your phone."

The sternness in your partner's voice stunned you. They had mentioned the game acting strange at times, but this was the first time they had confronted you on this issue. Confused, you spoke up.

"Is this about the weird glitches again, [S/O]?" you asked.

"Yes, this is about those weird glitches. I swear, this isn't some simple bug or anything. This is another thing entirely. A game character doesn't curse at you just for opening the app. Shouldn't it be some welcome line or something?"

You frowned.

"I've never heard anything like that..." you said.

They sighed and shook their head. "It only happens when I open the app when you ask me to help you login."

You felt a chill run down your back.

"There's...no way, right?" you said, as you slowly unlocked your phone, immediately clicking on the application. You had to see it for your own, even though deep down you knew [s/o] was right. The game had been acting strange. Comments that were way too specific, the occasional glitching when you switched out a character for another.

With wary eyes you glanced at the opening screen; one more check, one more log in and if anything weird happens again, you will have to delete it. Sentimentality and story progress be damned. You could always watch videos on YouTube anyway.

Riddle

Livid. Riddle would be absolutely livid to hear the suggestion of you deleting the game.

"How DARE they! How insolent! They think know so much better, now do they?!"

Storming around, Riddle would be figuring out how to "chop off" your significant other's head. He won't have it!

He's put up with the fact that you're in a relationship because he convinced himself it wouldn't last long, but now this is the last straw.

"They're trying to cut me off from [Name]! For that, they WILL pay!"

But first, he has to make sure things run smoothly.

You won't delete the game if nothing odd happens...

With that, [s/o] will just look like a liar. How awful!

Once Riddle's calmed down, he will start creating a plan to cut your s/o out of your life, forever.

"I simply will not tolerate a rule breaker, and it so happens, Rule #444 states that "the heads of liars must be chopped off by midnight". That's really too bad, isn't it, [s/o's name]?"

Leona

What's this? You're actually listening to your partner and now you want to delete the game?

He would love to see you try

Sure, he could sit back and pretend that the game is all fine and dandy so that you'll think your partner was lying and being petty, but that's boring, even if it is the easier way

You forget, he's the dorm leader of Savannaclaw; known for his drive to do what it takes to get his way

Don't you remember his plan from Chapter 2?

How offensive. [s/o name] is definitely taking way too much of your time if you managed to forget his role in the story

"You want to delete the app, do you? Then try it, herbivore. I'm sure you love what I've done to your phone."

Leona is smart, dangerously so. Whoever knew Savannaclaw's dorm leader was so well-versed with game code?

Azul

What?! You're going to delete the game?!

Panic surges through Azul as he combs through various alternate plans; it's okay, he's considered this possibility before

All he needs to do is craft a perfect plan to keep you from deleting the application, and to get that pesky human away from you!

It should be simple enough, but his fear clouds his judgment

Right, right! He has to address the immediate concern; that you were going to delete if you sensed something amiss again in the app

That's simple enough.

As long as he plays by the rules and keeps to the "character" the game developers originally intended, he'll be able to delay you, just by a few days

With a practiced smile, and lines that fit perfectly to script, he laughs to himself quietly;

Yes, you seem to be confused for nothing is out of place!

He may have to keep up this constricting act for now, but his plan has to be perfect if he's going to capture you.

Kalim

Oh, the poor boy

He's panicking! His mind is all over the place the moment he heard your words!

Thankfully Jamil is there to set him straight

"Act normal" Jamil instructed him.

Easier said than done, especially when it comes to someone as jumpy and excitable as Kalim

Kalim tries not to laugh a little too loudly or make remarks that shouldn't be in his lines, but it's so hard!

He wants to yell out, "You can't! You can't leave me!"

But his fear of you realizing that the game is no longer working as it should overpowers his desire to call out to you

It's so hard...

Maybe tomorrow he can tell you how he feels! You're sure to have calmed down by then!

Vil

Really now?

You were going to delete the game all because someone told you to? You're willing to sacrifice all that hard work raising his everyone's cards and throw them all away?

Preposterous!

He will not let even your finger touch the uninstall button! Ever.

Gaining sentience was a dream come true!

He too, had been working behind the scenes to find ways to bring you into this world.

Your lover? You mean that useless potato scrap that thinks they know better?

They mean nothing to Vil. After all, surely you would choose a queen over some peasant?

Idia

Strangely enough, he's not too worried.

Seriously, gaining Fourth Wall breaking sentience was like something out of an anime or a game!

This is his realm! You can't possibly do anything to it when he's tampered so much with the game code!

Try it!

You'll find your game uninstallable and registered as a default application for your phone!

Idia feels a little too proud of himself for forseeing this possibility. He's never been so prepared in his life!

"Hihihi, it's all in place! So what if the game continues glitching? You can't do anything about it! Hihihi, who would have thought even some shut-in nobody freak like me can do cool things!"

But right- he almost forgot about your partner...

How annoying. Game code he can deal with, but some irl person? No way...

"Ahh, what a pain... I need to hurry up with the program...then maybe you can leave that dumb normie behind..."

Malleus

You want to delete the game because it's acting weird, you say?

Malleus is disappointed; he was hoping he could enjoy your presence and watching you go about your daily life for a little longer.

It's alright though, he just has to speed things up a bit!

He could care less about you deleting the game;

With Lilia's help, he's found a way to creep in to your phone and has since been existing as an undetectable character within several other applications.

A little longer and he's completely certain his magic will be able to transport into your world.

How exciting!

When he does, he hopes you will celebrate with him as well.

If you won't invite him to your world... well, he'll just have to invite himself, wouldn't he?

[ra0n]

KI RAON / intro (under the cut) / application / visage / profile

helllooo it's kira here and i'm v excited to bring you miss "princess u" ki raon !! you've probably seen her a) skateboarding around campus, b) constantly trying to find some new plight to throw herself into so she can write a song about it or more recently c) stuck in a gossip-girl-reported catfight between her and her sister (s'nu subplot). i'm super excited to get to know everyone so please like this for me to message u or feel free to message first &lt;3

warning: super sorry for how long and messy this is i was horribly unprepared

basics: 24, (grad) music production and sound engineering student at snu and the princess/princess u skeleton of s'nu

backstory it's just been her and her mom for as long as she remembers in their over-familiar, little town. grew up being taught to stay humble and always shrink herself into the background so nobody would take notice of her

but raon's always had a fiery spirit (exhibit one: constantly got scolded for shoving the same tacky boy over in the playground when they were five) (exhibit two: fought with a classmate over the last doraemon toy and came home with scratches. she won the fight btw) (exhibit three: picked up a guitar in eighth grade and never looked back, much to her mother's chagrin)

she always believed that she was destined for greater things despite the financial limits on her and discovering music felt like the final puzzle piece being slotted into place. "borrowed" instruments from her highschool's run down music room, not that anybody noticed, and taught herself between studying and her part time job at the local convenience store

developed a knack for song-writing and more specifically, music production using youtube videos and free programs though she saved up to buy some proper ones later on, essentially trying to translate her life of poverty into songs. many of them revolve around the hardships of her life and distant relationship with her mother

starving artist trope to the maximum

but yeah eventually graduated high school and told her mom she got into snu for business and management when in reality, it was for music production

ensue very messy argument when she found out which ended in raon running away with what she had saved up from her job to seoul. didn't talk to her again after that until raon found out she passed away

and then gets hit with news that the one of friends she's surrounded herself with is her actual step sister, and then realises with the help of gossip girl that they both like prince charming

no rest for the wicked!!! half loves half hates the attention on her - love because she likes to pretend to the world she has a strong front and nothing can sway her, hates because she actually does not have that strong of a front

just trying to get through university and graduate with a decent job at a music studio or big shot entertainment company, but if she can make some mess whilst she's here she might as well

character wise she's very entitled, genuinely believes she has a gift that nobody else does and that because she's gone through a life of poverty and struggles, she "deserves" good things to happen to her more than anyone else

which is why she's very determined to make sure prince charming is hers at the end - why should her sister whose lived a life of luxury get the first pick in a relationship, too?

takes a lot of pride in her music and works very hard, essentially a perfectionist when it comes to the stuff she produces so constructive criticism is accepted though not easily, especially if you're someone who isn't in the music field

has a bad habit of mistaking being blunt for being honest, not one to be soft-spoken but does talk quite a lot. initiates conversations most of the time ("hey wasn't that lecture so fucking boring") even if she's never met you before

super flighty as a person though it's unintentional. here one second, gone the next. always looking for inspiration, for something exciting, for someone interesting

works part-time as a night bartender at a club near snu because of the perks (aka free drinks plus sometimes, they let her mix the tracks on the dj deck)

also in an indie rock band that plays around bars and shows!! she's the guitarist and sub vocalist - not sure if they're trying to do something serious or just a ragtag group bound together by love for music but

sorry i'm not organised enough to have a plots page set up but throwing some ideas out there id love anyone from the s'nu subplot!! also band members (she loves you guys); regulars at the bar she works at; regulars at her band's gigs; fellow creatives; fellow skateboarders; ex-best friends; fwbs; fwbs getting increasingly messy; exes; someone she sees as her "muse"; someone who's been a fan of her music since her (unironic) soundcloud days; companies trying to recruit her for producing; someone who knew her pre-seoul; ride or die; found brother/sister (since she's waging war on her actual one); someone she keeps skating into accidentally and fuck she's so sorry for making you spill coffee over yo-

[weekend-conspiracy-theorist]

top 5 bridges

I haven't actually thought that hard about this before, so, in no particular order:

first, we're gonna pretend I'm not essentially telling you guys where I live with this, but the Bibbs-Graves Bridge in Wetumpka, AL is high enough on my list that I got it tattooed on my human body. it's a four span concrete arch bridge, so accurately depicted in my tattoo (and such a prominent local landmark) that if I wear a tank top I am guaranteed to have strangers recognize it. The only significant difference between tattoo and reality is that in real life, those concrete walls in the substructure are covered in vulgar graffiti courtesy of the local youth.

second, big shout out to the Hernando de Soto Bridge in Memphis, TN, a tied arch bridge that carries I-40 into Arkansas. Yes, this is that bridge that had the big crack in it recently. (The crack was in the "tied" part of the tied arch bridge, which is the metal piece that connects the ends of the arches together like a bowstring on a bow. That tie is the only part of an arch that is under tension instead of compression, and steel under tension is at risk of fatigue cracks.) It's not the bridge's fault :( and also yes, that is the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid in the background, I picked this angle on purpose because it's so incredibly funny to me that there is a massive black Bass Pro Shop branded pyramid in the middle of Memphis. Anyway, this bridge is quintessentially Memphis, and Memphis is one of my favorite cities.

The Brooklyn Bridge! Wow, the quality of this image got fried when I stole it off Wikipedia. Whatever. We love masonry bridges in this house, and we love cable stay bridges too, as long as we aren't the ones inspecting them. It's just a cool bridge! Lots of history! Gwen Stacy may or may not have been thrown off of it. Let's all feel sorry for the dive crew that has to do the underwater inspections. Swimming? In the East River?

The Bridge of Lions in St. Augustine (named for the two marble lion statues that flank its entrance, one shown above) is a very cool, historic old bridge connecting St. Augustine to Anastasia Island. I love a bridge with character, obviously, and this bridge was literally built (in 1927) to be a bridge with character. It's a tourist attraction in and of itself, which I can prove by showing you pictures of baby Weeks on my father's shoulders in front of one of these lions. (What's this, I snuck in another nostalgic pick? Say it isn't so!) Also it has a drawbridge, which is cool as hell.

This one is less of a favorite than an infamous lesson. Once upon a time, the Silver Bridge connected Point Pleasant, West Virginia and Gallipolis, Ohio across the Ohio River. It was an eyebar-chain suspension bridge with no redundancy (i.e. there was only one set of eyebars forming each of the suspension chains), a design choice which ultimately came back to bite them in the ass when a manufacturing flaw in one of the eyebars caused the eyebar to fracture on December 15, 1967. (Due to some pretty cool forensic engineering, we actually know exactly which eyebar it was.) The resulting collapse of the bridge caused the deaths of 46 people. Safety programs are always, tragically, built on the loss of human lives, and this story is no different; the legacy of these 46 people's deaths is the development of the National Bridge Inventory and the National Bridge Inspection Standards, which is the Federal Highway program that still today manages bridge inspections throughout the United States.

The NBI is by no means perfect, and it continues to evolve over time (usually in the wake of other tragedies which draw our attention to places where our current measures are insufficient), but I am certain that a number of other tragedies has been avoided through the collective efforts of the engineers and inspectors involved in running the program. That's why any discussion of bridges, for me, is incomplete without at least a mention of this bridge.

Oh, also, supposedly the Silver Bridge collapse was heralded by Mothman.

[bookofmirth]

Why are some elriel’s so obsessed with elain’s beauty. I love Elain and I am even an elucien before any other ship but like just because she’s the prettiest sister does not mean anything and it doesn’t add to her growth in the least that’s why I keep on saying I don’t think elriel’s realize that Elain has problems her biggest problem is not choosing between Lucien or Azriel , I don’t think they realize that Elain is going through a lot and she’s just pretending to be happy, her conversation with nesta both times in ACOSF proves so much, she has work to do on herself, big time and believe it or not I think elain is very self centered, I don’t even think elain herself knows she is but she actually is , which is why I get so annoyed when they make everything about her beauty. We have a female that has been programmed to think that her only productive thing in life is to be beautiful, can’t you guys see the problem, that might even be another reason why she’s so skeptical and wary with Lucien and is clinging to azriel, her obvious first thought will be “Lucien only wants me for my beauty but I have had conversations with azriel and he seems like he wants me for more than my beauty and sees me”. Them arguing with gwynriel’s about who is finer between Gwyn and Elain is just one of the dumbest things I have seen because not only are they increasing elain’s issues , they are making her seem shallow.

Elain's beauty could be a really interesting conversation if we talk about the things that you pointed out, like her fear that that's all people see of her. Or the fact that she has pretty privilege and how that has reinforced her passivity. Or the fact that her beauty was seen as a commodity by her mother.

Elain's beauty could tell us a lot about her character, but using it in comparison to other characters (e.g. the two prettiest people in Prythian should be together, Elain is prettier than Gwyn, etc.) is super shallow.

We have a female that has been programmed to think that her only productive thing in life is to be beautiful, can’t you guys see the problem, that might even be another reason why she’s so skeptical and wary with Lucien

This is very possible! If you have a woman who is that traditionally beautiful, and she's got a mate now, she might have a lot of fears around why, exactly, Lucien would want to be with her. Justifiable, understandable fears that have nothing to do with Lucien, and everything to do with how her beauty has been treated by the people around her.

her conversation with nesta both times in ACOSF proves so much, she has work to do on herself, big time and believe it or not I think elain is very self centered

I agree with this too (sorry I am responding out of order haha). I think that not appearing at Nesta's "intervention" was one of the biggest signs that Elain is not okay. She wasn't able to be there as support for Nesta at a moment when she knew that Nesta would feel ganged up on. All their lives they have been like two peas in a pod, and we can argue about whether or not they were ever really close, but Elain was unable to be there to support the person she is ostensibly closest to, at a pivotal moment in Nesta's life. That's not someone who is okay, and not only that, it tells me that Elain knows she isn't okay, if she had to take herself out of the situation entirely because she knew she couldn't handle it in the way she needed to. I mean this woman goes to the Court of Nightmares looking like a sick puppy for political maneuvering but she can't be there for Nesta? Amongst her family and so-called friends? In a place where she is supposedly at home?

This makes me want to do an actual meta on Elain and beauty, partly because I think it does mean things but not what the fandom wants it to mean.

[etlunainmorte]

❄❄❄

***

*German Christmas Goose ( Weihnachtsgans )*

Total - 2 hours and 30 minutes

Prep - 30 minutes

Cook - 2 hours

Yield - 4 servings

*Ingredients

For the Goose:

4 1/2 - pound goose ( cleaned and dressed, no gizzards )

Dash salt ( or to taste )

Dash pepper ( or to taste )

2 teaspoons dried thyme

2 apples ( peeled, cored, and quartered )

1 small onion ( cut lengthwise into 1/4 - inch - wide strips )

1 tablespoon salt ( mixed with 1 cup water )

For the Gravy:

2 tablespoons goose drippings

2 tablespoons all - purpose flour

1 ( 14 - ounce ) can chicken broth ( or homemade chicken stock )

Optional: salt

Optional: pepper

Optional: dried thyme

*Steps To Make It

Note: while there are multiple steps to this recipe, this dish is broken down into workable categories to help you better plan for preparation and cooking.

*Make the Goose

1. Gather the Ingredients.

2. Heat oven to 350 F.

3. Wash and dry the goose, like you would a chicken or turkey. Sprinkle salt, pepper, and thyme inside the cavity and fill with apple quarters and onions. If they don’t all fit, you can cook them alongside the goose in a small, buttered dish.

4. Mix 1 tablespoon salt with 1 cup of water and pour that into the bottom of the roasting pan. Place the roasting rack on top. Pierce the goose skin in several places to let the fat drip out as it cooks.

5. Put the goose, breast - side down, on the roasting rack and place in oven for 50 minutes. Use the salt water mixture to baste the goose several times during this period. Add more water to drip pan if necessary. Turn the goose over onto its back and cook, basting as needed, for 50 minutes.

6. Let the goose rest for 5 minutes as you make the gravy.

*Make the Gravy

1. Gather the ingredients.

2. Mix 2 tablespoons of the fat drippings with 2 tablespoons flour in a small saucepan and cook for 1 minute. Gradually add the chicken broth, stirring well after each addition. Add salt, pepper, and thyme, if desired, to taste. Keep warm.

3. Serve the goose and gravy with canned peach halves decorated with currant jelly ( if you don't want to make currant jelly or can't find it prepared, cranberry sauce is a fine substitute ), buttered Brussels sprouts, potato croquettes ( or mashed potatoes ), and the cooked apples and onions.

***

❄ Three Wishes ❄

***

V

***

A plump, elderly woman with very gentle and motherly features clapped her hands and addressed everyone in the room. "Let's get to work, everyone!"

"Let's go, V." You told the poet as you motioned for him to follow you into one of the classrooms.

At first, V didn't understand it when you said you needed someone to play the violin during a book reading session. But, now, he understood. Turned out you're working as a teacher in a kindergarten a few blocks away from Avery's mansion. 

Well, for one thing, V could totally imagine you spending your time around lots of children who adore you and play a lot with you. He felt you were just that perfect kind of person in this type of working environment: warm, caring, protective, nurturing,...

... loving,...

I wonder how she would be like as a mother of,...?

"Here it is." V was brought back from his musings and reverie when you handed him your partner's violin, which you were carefully carrying.

The poet examined the instrument and hummed in satisfaction. But, then,...

"I have a question." V quietly asked.

You hummed in question as you positioned yourself in front of the cabinet piano.

"Why did she leave this here?"

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, this instrument. This actually looks," He muttered, once again looking at the delicate instrument in his hands. " ... very well taken care of. I can't imagine someone just leaving an instrument like this here."

"Oh, you're a keen observer." You answered as you took out the sheet music you bought from the music store with V from your (F/C) hand bag. "My partner never really tells me anything too personal, actually. But, one day, she just,... I don't know,... kind of became depressed.

"She stopped practicing the violin, which was affecting our work in a way. I wanted to help her so, I asked. And you know what she said? She just said, it's hard to love someone who could never love you back, you know? I actually never knew if she had a boyfriend, or not but, all I know is that there was this really tall guy with white hair who used to visit her. Then, for some reason, he stopped visiting her. A day later after we talked, she asked for a short break. And, here we are!

"It was kind of intriguing, really." You said as you shrugged your shoulders. 

“It sure is.” V answered as he thought of the violin’s owner, who must be tending to a broken heart as of the moment. "Love can do many things to you. It could lift you up to the highest of heavens, and one wrong move, it could drop you to ground without you ever knowing it."

“Then, she must have one heck of a fall from the highest of heavens.”

"Hmm. Well," V replied as he plucked the strings of the instrument to check how much it was off tune. " ... who am I to judge?"

"Yeah, me too." You sighed, allowing yourself to slouch as some unsavory experiences regarding that stupid thing called love came back to haunt you. Forcefully pushing those thoughts aside, you sat up straight and hit the C note on the piano. "Let's practice, V."

A few hours later, the place began filling up with excited little children in cute, fluffy sweaters together with their parents. The faculty members, which consisted of the kindergarten's headmistress called Sister Christina ( the retired catechist from Germany who cooked most of the meals for the feast later on ), the teachers Alicia ( a sweet young lady from Spain who did the colorful and really festive decorations ) and Natasha ( a very tall, very lovely and very haughty - looking Russian who made the desserts ), you ( the music teacher ), together with the invited guests V ( who was honestly overwhelmed by the presence of all these adorable little children ), Avery ( who took a day off from work just to participate in the event ), and Nico ( who was doing something pretty suspicious in her van together with Griffon and Shadow ) all greeted the children and parents and made them gather in one of the classrooms. The program started off with a prayer by Sister Christina, followed by a simple, little opening speech from Alicia. 

V watched in awe as the little children ( now wearing cute costumes ) performed with so much energy. Some of them danced ( there was this adorable little number from a group of sugar plum fairy princesses and a fawn prince ), some of them sang ( he couldn't help but smile as they did a Christmas medley of Hark The Herald Angels Sing, Away In A Manger, and Joy To The World ), and some of them even acted out some scenes from Frozen, playing as its popular characters ( the most famous act was the one from, of course, Elsa the Ice Queen ).

And then, there was this little boy ( who was in his early nineties costume ) who came forward and simply bowed down. A resounding aww was heard all over the place from both parents and teachers, and when he took a deep, exaggerated breath, everything went silent.

"The Lamb." The little boy announced with his clear voice, then bowed once more. It surely perked up V's interest in an instant, being a huge fan of William Blake, himself.

Blake at such a young age? He thought with such admiration. How commendable!

"Little Lamb who made thee, dost thou know who made thee? Gave thee life and bid thee feed. By the stream and o'er the mead."

"Aww, how cute is that?" V heard you whisper next to him.

The little boy went on. "Gave thee clothing of delight, softest clothing woo - "

"Woo?" You whispered, realizing that the child was probably forgetting the poem.

The poor boy shook his head and tried to recite once more. "Gave thee clothing of delight, softest clothing woo,... wool,... wooloo,... "

"Wooloo?" Avery, who was sitting on the floor right next to you, questioned. "Isn't that a Pokémon?"

"Oh, no!" V saw you awkwardly divert your eyes as you were unable to bear the situation. 

"Gave thee clothing of delight, softest clothing woo,... wooloo,... " The little boy tried once more to recite. He was about to give up as he became more and more frustrated with his inability to pronounce the word properly, until his eyes landed on V, who was smiling at him while pointing at his own lips. And as the little boy looked at V, he noticed the way he was forming his lips, like he was saying something,...

Woo,... lee,... V mouthed. 

The smart child picked up on this immediately and went on with his poetry. "Gave thee clothing of delight, softest clothing wooly bright."

The crowd breathed a collective sigh of relief as the boy finally remembered the lines. Smiling wide from ear to ear, he went on, "Gave thee such a tender voice, making all the vales rejoice! Little Lamb who made thee, dost thou know who made thee?"

Cheers erupted from the crowd as the little boy finished his recital. After the little program, everyone proceeded to the canteen to partake of the feast that was prepared for all of them, the German Christmas Goose dish that was lovingly made by Sister Christina being the center of attention ( it was very well noted how Griffon felt horrified looking at the poultry meal on the table, which made Nico almost collapse in wild laughter ).

About two hours of feasting later, all the guests were gathered into the same classroom, this time, for the book reading session that you and V were preparing for.

The story was about Little Red Riding Hood, and how she escaped the wolf who pretended to be her grandmother to eat her. And the main protagonist was played by none other than Avery, herself.

"One morning," Alicia read as you started playing simple notes on the piano. " ... Little Red Riding Hood asked her mother if she could go to visit her grandmother as it had been awhile since they'd seen each other. That's a good idea! her mother said. So they packed a nice basket for Little Red Riding Hood to take to her grandmother. When the basket was ready, the little girl put on her red cloak and kissed her mother goodbye.

"Remember, go straight to Grandma's house, her mother cautioned. Don't dawdle along the way and please don't talk to strangers! The woods are dangerous.

"Don't worry, mommy, said Little Red Riding Hood, I'll be careful. But when Little Red Riding Hood noticed some lovely flowers in the woods, she forgot her promise to her mother. She picked a few, watched the butterflies flit about for awhile, listened to the frogs croaking and then picked a few more. Little Red Riding Hood was enjoying the warm summer day so much, that she didn't notice a dark shadow approaching out of the forest behind her,...

"Suddenly, the wolf appeared beside her!"

The little children, who gathered around Alicia, gasped in fright as Shadow, who was strangely, and yet cleverly, disguised as a wolf, appeared and growled. The overall tense atmosphere of the book reading session was amplified by V's skillfully ominous violin playing.

"What are you doing out here, little girl? The wolf asked in a voice as friendly as he could muster." Alicia went on as V played the violin.

"I'm on my way to see my Grandma who lives through the forest, near the brook." Avery replied. 

"Then she realized how late she was and quickly excused herself, rushing down the path to her Grandma's house." Alicia read. "The wolf, in the meantime, took a shortcut. The wolf, a little out of breath from running, arrived at Grandma's and knocked lightly at the door."

"Oh, thank goodness dear! Come in, come in!" Griffon, who was ridiculously dressed in gingham clothing and a pair of glasses to look like a grandma, acted out as he waited in his makeshift prop bed in one corner of the room. Then, with slight frustration, he whispered, "How the fuck did I end up dressed like this?"

"Ya, stupid chicken!" Nico, who was positioned behind the bed and hidden from the viewers, whispered savagely as she kicked the wooden prop, making Griffon squawk. "Ye're pretendin' to be a grandma, right?!"

"Oh, sheesh! Right! Ah," projecting his voice once more as he made it sound like an elderly woman, he spoke, " ... I was worried sick that somethin' had happened to ya in the forest."

"Said Grandma thinking that the knock was from her granddaughter." Alicia went on. "The wolf let himself in! Poor Granny did not have time to say another word, before the wolf gobbled her up!"

"Watch out, granny goose! The wolf is gonna eat you!" One of the children screamed and pointed as Shadow attacked Griffon and used her powers to swallow the screaming ( and swearing ) demonic bird whole.

"Nice effects!" Complimented one of the parents. "I wonder how they did that,..."

"The wolf let out a satisfied burp, and then poked through Granny's wardrobe to find a nightgown that he liked. He added a frilly sleeping cap, and for good measure, dabbed some of Granny's perfume behind his pointy ears." Alicia read as Shadow did all those things that she just mentioned. "A few minutes later, Red Riding Hood knocked on the door.  The wolf jumped into bed and pulled the covers over his nose."

"Who is it?" This time, someone from the faculty was voicing the wolf, and not Alicia, and it sounded suspiciously strange for a female teacher. It almost sounded like someone's husky - voiced middle - aged aunt,...

"It's me, Little Red Riding Hood." Avery acted.

"Oh, how lovely! Do come in, my dear," croaked Shadow.

"When Little Red Riding Hood entered the little cottage, she could scarcely recognize her Grandmother." Alicia read as you and V stopped playing for a while, plunging the whole classroom in silence.

"Grandmother! Your voice sounds so odd. Is something the matter?" Avery asked.

"Oh, I just have touch of a cold." Squeaked Shadow, adding a cough at the end to prove the point.

"But, Grandmother! What big ears you have!" Said Avery, exaggerating each word, as she edged closer to the bed.

"The better to hear you with, my dear." Replied Shadow.

"But, Grandmother! What big eyes you have!"

"The better to see you with, my dear."

"But, Grandmother! What big teeth you have!" Said Avery, making her voice quiver slightly.

"The better to eat you with, my dear!" Roared Shadow and she leapt out of the bed and began to chase Avery, making the little children yell excitedly as you and V began playing once more.

"Help! Wolf!" Avery, who was suppressing her laughter, pretended to cry as she ran around the room away from Shadow, who was doing a pretty good job of being a wolf.

"I'm here!" Nico, who was dressed as the woodsman, appeared from behind the makeshift bed and chased after Shadow. She grabbed the familiar and made her spit out poor Griffon ( now soaked in Shadow's saliva ) who was a bit frazzled by the whole experience, but still in one piece. Fortunately.

"Oh, Grandma, I was so scared!" Avery sobbed. "I'll never speak to strangers or dawdle in the forest ever again."

"There, there, child." Griffon, who still somehow managed to act despite his coughing fits, croaked. "Ye've learned an important lesson. Thank goodness ya shouted loud enough for this fuckin' woodsman to hear ya!"

"Was that fuck just now?" One of the parents whispered.

"No! You must've misheard it." Another answered. "This is a classroom! No one's allowed to swear."

"Oh, you're right! It must be an old English word from the medieval times."

Nico pretended to knock Shadow out with her prop axe and carried her away from the classroom.

"Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandmother had a nice lunch and a long chat." Alicia read. "And they lived happily ever after. The end."

The children and the parents applauded as the characters, along with Alicia, you, and V, all bowed. The book reading session was, then, followed by gift giving, and after that, you were called in front to perform one last thing on the piano.

"Hailing from the uber romantic city that is Paris, the winner of the 73rd annual European piano concours last October," Avery announced proudly. " ... I give to you - my cousin, (Y/N)."

V watched as you shyly took a seat in front of the piano once more and positioned the music sheet in the music rack. Then, with beautiful and skillful fingers, you started playing.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are." The children excitedly sang as they gathered around you in utter curiosity as you played the simple tune.

However, it was anything but. As the music progressed, V found out how complex the piece really was. It was composed by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, after all. It looked really difficult, indeed. Despite that, he saw how you smiled as you performed.

He saw how eager and excited you were to play for the children.

And it warmed his heart.

When it was almost time to go, Shadow and Griffon made one selfless and surprising move to serve as petting animals for the children, a Christmas treat courtesy of them.

"Hey, do those creatures kinda look dangerous?" The confused parent from earlier asked.

"Hmm, I don't think so." The parent next to him answered. "They're not biting the kids, anyway."

"Oh, you're right."

"Wait, they're battery operated!" Another parent chimed in.

"How did you know that?"

"Animals can't speak."

"Okay, gentle lads and lasses, one hug at a time!" Griffon announced, trying to be heard amidst little, excited voices and numerous, itty bitty hands. "Ouch! Don't pull a tail feather! Sheesh, calm down! I'm not a Thanksgiving turkey!"

"Did you tell them to do that?" You asked V as you watched the scene with total interest.

"Hmm, actually, no." V answered as he savored this moment to be close to you.

"Such a good child." That husky middle - aged aunt voice from earlier spoke, startling both you and V.

"Who was that?" V, who was still looking at the scene before him, asked as he crossed his arms and knitted his eyebrows.

"I have no idea." You answered. You were just as baffled as him with this whole mystery voice thing that was using Shadow as a -

"I have never been hugged by master V before!"

V's eyes darted to his familiars just in time when he saw one little girl hugging Shadow like she was a huge stuffed animal.

"So soft and cuddly!" The little girl said, then kissed Shadow on the forehead. "Thank you so much, big kitty!"

"Why, thank you, little girl." The mysterious voice answered. "And Merry Christmas to you, darling."

"My turn to hug the big kitty!" The little boy, who recited Blake earlier, came forward and engulfed Shadow in a bear hug.

"Oh! And Merry Christmas to you, too, little lad." The voice greeted just in time when V saw something tied around Shadow's neck - a red ribbon with a little, golden bell dangling from it like a dog tag. "My master is truly pleased with your William Blake recital."

Shadow's voice acting earlier,...

The voice greeting the children,...

That little bell dangling from the red ribbon tied around Shadow's neck,...

Could it mean,...

Could it be - ?!

Is it even possible?!

***

❄ Special thanks to @la-vita for suggesting the Christmas Goose Dish. ❄

❄ @clevermentalitybeliever , @v-vic , and @birdgirl69 .❄

***

❄❄❄

***

[kemonododo]

Decided to rewatch the whole series after seeing the finale, here's my thoughts as they come along part 2

This fight between Catra and Adora is where it all comes to a head. Adora begging Catra to follow her, Catra begging her to stay. Catra denying Adora the satisfaction of saving her, then pulling herself out of the portal as a corrupted monster. Adora seeing her true friends put their trust in her, then immediately see a horrific monster in the form of her love take their place. Catra lets everything out here, how she hates Adora's hero complex and how she blames Adora for everything. It's just so raw.

Of course, the best part is the punch. Adora is no longer going to take Catra's hate, she is done. In her own words, she made her choice and she has to live with it. That final death glare is everything. This is the lowest point Catradora will ever face, and it takes Catra proving that she is willing to change for Adora to see the good in her again.

Angella's sacrifice hits a lot harder now that we know she's dead for good, something about the "trapped between portals stuff" convinced me she wasn't when I first saw this. She died still believing her husband was dead, and the last true conversation she had with Glimmer was an argument. Hug your mom kids, you never know when you'll have that opportunity again.

This finale has a lot of parallels to the series finale, especially with Adora being convinced her destiny means she needs to be a martyr. That's Shadow Weaver talking through her, something we see in full force in season 5. While Angella here stops her from sacrificing herself, she still has that warped view of what her destiny is, and it takes Catra to finally show her the real way.

That spin is when I started shipping Glimbow.

This final speech by Queen Glimmer is another great example of how the show hides sinister meanings behind normal dialog. Any other show and we'd be cheering when Glimmer focuses on defeating the Horde, but we know the blind devotion to that goal has so many consequences in waiting.

Both Catra and Glimmer look great in their new clothes, it's a fantastic way to show how much they've grown.

The Valley of the Lost is another one of those great more episodic episodes, it's still connected to the whole story but we also get to take a little break and enjoy some a new local with a Star Wars feel with fun antics with Perfuma, Huntara, and Double Trouble. I wasn't sure about DT when I first heard about them, seemed too late to add a new major character, but they're an absolute blast and help give season 4 it's own identity.

Catra's nightmares are just the start of this season's take on her character, this is where we really dive into how unhappy her actions are making her.

Mayor of Elberon got the biggest glow up of the show

I love how, just, done Adora is with Catra. No more playful teasing, Adora is here to defeat Catra and save the town, nothing else.

Double Trouble is a really fun character, but I'll be the first to admit they aren't good representation. It's bad enough they're the "only nonhumans can be non-binary" architype, but also that they're a creepy masculine trans person who pretends to be a cute girl to get on people's good sides... Yikes. It's a genuine complaint, and one of those criticsms you just have to accept.

We finally get to see some character for Spinnerella and Netossa! They're relationship is one of the big keystones of the season 5 conflict, so it's really important that we had this episode to get to know their chemistry.

Oh Shadow Weaver, how I love you. She's decided Catra and Adora don't have anything left to give her anymore, so she's switched to the vulnerable and easily manipulated new orphaned queen. Glimmer's one track mind on defeating the Horde makes her an ideal target, and Shadow Weaver is again successful in bending a child to her will.

The Glimmer and Catra fight! Glimmer's arc parallels Catra's, especially in this season. Of course she never falls as far as Catra, but I do love that we get just a taste of how this war can sour even the cute sparkle girl.

This final moment with Catra and Double Trouble, amazing. Catra has been mowing through friends, she's already pushed away all the genuine ones, and she's realizing that it sucks to be with people who aren't.

Best way to set up a sympathetic villain, give them a girlfriend lol. Light Hope is tragic, her programming tells her to protect and serve She-Ra, but also to follow her directive. It's something that conflicts in her psyche, and is another strong-suit of this show and it's masterfully written villains.

Princess Scorpia is one of the best episode of the series. Sure the Glimmer drama is nice, but Scorpia... Wow. The remnant of genocide raised in the most toxic place on the planet is the most kind, loving, loyal person to have ever lived. And yet she still chooses to leave. Catra was her crush, someone she saw herself with and promised to be by forever, but even she knows when there isn't anything left she can do. It's a wonderful message and a fantastic episode for one of the best characters in the show.

Mer-Mysteries is actually really well crafted, up until this point all the funny joke episodes have been self contained, but here that's subverted. It's shocking to see Mermista joking around throughout the episode only for it to end with her in utter shock and fear at seeing her home destroyed. Plus the reveal of Double Trouble is great.

Neither Hordak nor Angella was fully invested in winning the war in the first two seasons. It's a good way to escalate tension, as now the Horde's victories make a lot of sense because Hordak is suddenly extremely motivated to win thanks to Horde Prime. It makes the war the first season made such a big deal out of seem paultry in comparison to the slaughter we see now.

I love Sea Hawk so much, he's genuinely funny and endearing.

Bow singing to himself may be one of the most depressing moments is the show. This whole arc of Glimmer and Adora falling out is mostly set-up for Glimmer's choice to activate the heart alone, but it's still really well done and something I really enjoy watching. Something about two friends blowing up at each other, ripping each other apart while the third is left in the ruins is just the angst I can't resist. Catra realizing winning the war isn't giving her the closure she craves and finding out about Scorpia leaving is also a perfect parallel.

Mara is revealed to be a hero all along, what Light Hope painted as a crazed lunatic turned out to be a woman who saved the universe from her own people. It's a beautiful message, and the emotional attachment we feel with her and Razz causes the tears to well up again for what feels like the hundredth time.

The three cadets are great this season, not only do they get some time to shine but they also show how Catra's tyrannical rule is hurting the soldiers beneath her.

I love the moment where Glimmer pulls out the queen card. It's culmination of her arc since the second season, she is finally letting her hatred of the Horde consume her. That shot, the slow piano as it zooms in on her backlit by the fire. Probably one of my favorite scenes in the entire show.

This episode is a monster on my heart, the juxtaposition of Scorpia finally finding the support and kindness she deserves while Catra is suffering the consequences of her own actions. That one shot, a Catra smiling at the news of winning the war only to zoom out at a destroyed room where she collapses on the floor choking on her own tears is a masterpiece.

Even Beast Island gets a glow up

Beast Island is beautifully Eldritch. A place that sucks away your fortitude and will until you're absorbed into it like a digesting stomach. The show does have a lot of moments where it really messes with the character's heads and I love it.

When the signal begins to take over, Bow feeling like he failed Glimmer, Micah realizing his wife is dead, Adora giving into her insecurities, Entrapta being overcome by the betrayal she's faced, all their eyes going gray and dead. It's emotional and terrifying, something this show excels at.

Shadow Weaver spends so much time manipulating children you'd think she'd have it down to a science, but it doesn't seem to ever work out for her in the end, does it?

Entrapta is a great character because every time she exposits she just sounds so enthusiastic, even when she's revealing terrifying truths, like how Adora's "noble destiny" is to exist as the universe's most dangerous gun.

I love how Double Trouble only had to tell Catra that She-Ra wasn't at Brightmoon, their scenes with Hordak and Catra was just for the drama. We got a great fight and Catra finally getting vibe checked, so I have to say DT well done. Their methods are cruel, but hearing someone say to her face that it's her fault people leave her, mixed with the dissatisfaction of winning while alone is the catalyst for Catra's redemption.

Light Hope is revealed to be the one who stole away Adora, the one who forced her destiny on her. Horde Prime may have been the final big bad, but Light Hope was the one responsible for everything. And Adora breaks the sword, ending her destiny as the First One's intended and saving Light Hope from her programming.

What an ominous ending! Hordak, the big bad from season 1, is left a squabbling mess defeated in seconds, and we are faced with a huge and terrifying new universe with seemingly no hope of going against. The stakes are the highest they've ever been, and even already knowing what happened it makes me excited for what comes next.

[post-gap]

Oof

CW: suicide, self harm, ED

(If you don't want to read my incredibly boring and dramatic origin story, skip to the bold part.)

What's the least dramatic way to start this? Pretend I did that instead of just jumping right in, ok? Thanks.

I have some basic idea of where my negative core beliefs started. Here's a list:

1. In order to be loved, I must be skinny (ED): In fourth grade, my two best friends decided to tell me (on a very crowded school bus) that I was overweight. I told them that I knew and I would work on it, but I actually hadn't thought about my weight at all before that. I didn't know that it was something I had to be ashamed of (and it isn't!! and I still am). They probably don't even remember it, and I don't blame them for my disordered eating, but that was the first time I really believed something was wrong with me.

2. I only ever bother people, so I shouldn't speak up (anxiety): In fifth grade, two girls at my lunch table told me I was annoying. It was just another one of those passing comments that no one remembers, but it is constantly on my mind. I am cooonstantly looking for signs that people are sick of me, and I find them even when they aren't there.

3. I am unlovable (depression): In sixth grade, on a gmail group chat (yeah yes I know this sounds ridiculous), a bunch of people I knew were talking about people who had "crushes" on them. I mentioned that I had never heard of anyone having a crush on me, and one guy said, "I know someone who has a crush on you." My dummy lil eleven-year-old heart was SO excited. I spent two weeks trying to figure it out. I finally asked the guy who said it who it was, and he said, "oh haha I made it up." YIKES, amiright? Def broke my little heart and brain.

Anyway, the point is that I'm sad, ok? There are plenty of other weird ideas I have about myself that have no origin story that I can remember. While I don't have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I have been told by a professional that I have several of the characteristics. I have a hard time trusting people (peep that third point on the list up there). I tend to push people away as soon as I have any suspicion that they have a problem with me. I also fear being abandoned. If you have to boil down all of these things about me, the point, essentially, is that I am A Mess.

I don't pretend to be excused from the shitty things I do just because of my dumpster-fire of a brain. My poor mental health does not give me an out from the mistakes I make.

Now that we have established some of my Sad Kid character traits, I'm going to talk about the past year.

In January, I started a program for mental health at a place called Skyland Trail. I did outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy every weekday for 3 months to learn how to cope with feelings of hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, various forms of self harm, and more. It was incredible. I made lifelong friends and felt so much support. Part of me wishes I could still go to Skyland and get my regular dose of hope from the people there, but I guess I have to figure out how to do that on my own.

Halfway through this program, I was essentially kicked out of the house I was planning to return to in Milledgeville. I don't want to shit on all of my old roommates for that, but one in particular really ruined some of the progress I had made in developing self worth. Yikes pt. 2 imo.

Luckily, I found two new roommates/friends who are wonderful and perfect and care for me really well, so that didn't ruin my life TOO much.

Ok ok time passes blah blah blah I go back to school I bring my cat he is perfect etc. etc.

I fall back into some old eating patterns (no meals for three days, only eating at night, etc.), but my roommates are looking out for me.

I start missing some classes and falling behind, just like I seem to do every semester, and I can't believe I'm messing this up again. I'm losing hope, I'm losing friends, I hate myself, I don't know what to do. I'm self-harming almost every night. I go home one weekend. I find some prescription pain pills for the headaches I got last October. I take three. No, five. No, ten. I realize these pills won't do what I want them to do on their own. I go to bed, high on painkillers.

I tell some people. I guess they're concerned? I don't really know.

I go back to school. Six weeks go by. In that time, I start seeing a new therapist. She sucks ass, but I don't know that yet. I'm too far behind in school and I realize I need to withdraw from the semester. I talk to my advisor. I tell her I need to talk to the therapist and I have an appointment Monday. She tells me to withdraw after the appointment.

October 28th, Sunday night, I find the pills again. I take a bunch, then wash them down with too much alcohol. I don't want to do this anymore. It gets hard to breathe. I tell my roommates. One sits with me until we think it's safe for me to go to sleep.

I go to see my therapist. I tell her, "I've been trying to kill myself." She tells me to go home and get some rest?? So I ask to see someone else. She talks to someone and sends me to see him. He says, "So, [therapist] tells me you've been having thoughts of self harm?" I blink. "Um, no? I tried to kill myself last night." He says, "OH. Crap." (I tell everyone this part because it made me laugh so hard.)

I'm sent to a crisis center, then to an emergency room, then to a hospital. I'm there for five days. I fucking MISS HALLOWEEN????? I go home.

Over the past two months, I have lost friends. In the time when I needed people most, I was ignored by some of the people closest to me.

(NOTE: NOT ALL OF MY FRIENDS DID THIS AND I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE STICKING WITH ME I LOVE YOU BLESS YOUR SWEET BABY HEARTS)

Uhhhh, I'd like to say things are getting better. I am seeing a new therapist and going to my psychiatrist more often. Also the dentist because we love a queen with clean teeth. Things are still really really hard and my brain is still an ass to me. I am working on it.

Probably some people will read (or skim through -- it's so long) this and say something like, "Wow, what a dramatic dumbo." To that I say, "Yes! I am very emotional and ridiculous and that absolutely comes across as dramatic. You are valid in your assessment. Ok have a good day."

Ok have a good day.

lmao if u read the whole thing comment "hit or miss, i guess they never miss huh" !!!!!