#lil blue man was spitting facts this episode

[ravenhairedwaywanderer]

[aprincessofthevoid]

But What Happens To You? Natan Fluff

Legit wrote this almost a decade ago and decided to clean it up just a lil to repost because I got locked out the old account it was on lmao.

Characters are from Satan and Me by @thisiskindagross and honestly I'm cackling at the fact my obsessed ass basically got their characters pretty dead on for how the story has since progressed.

Don't ask me to read over this fic again tho even if there are mistakes. it's honestly cringe as fuck and disgustingly adorable like i felt like I was intruding LMAO.

Also made me realize I'm gayer than I thought cus the times I use to write wayyyy more slash fiction I NEVER went into this much detail describing the men involved but there are PARAGRAPHS just describing how cute Natalie is here... anyway. Fluffy, cuddly makeout sesh while Satan and Natalie wait for the end of the world to come.

Word Count: 6502

Rating: T? (Some swearing, lil depressy Satan thoughts?)

Fluff n Kisses, Hurt Comfort? Idk man typical grumpy sunshine bullshit n they smooch xx

Nutshell: Natalie comes home acting stranger than usual, and when Satan pushes her to just spit it the fuck out already, things don't quite go as he expected, so he attempts to comfort her but he’s REALLY bad at it...

Natalie shoved open the front door with a harsh slam as it connected with the wall, tossing her school bag down at her feet. Satan could hear her frustrated huffing as she struggled to pull off her knee height brown boots, and her sigh of relief when she finally freed herself. Natalie headed further into the living room and draped her jacket over the back of the navy blue armchair opposite to the love seat that ‘Stanley’ was currently sprawled out on.

Satan spared a glance at her out of the corner of his eye, before turning his attention back to the television to the generic soap opera that had been playing in a marathon for the majority of the day. He hated to admit he was almost invested, waiting to see if the main protagonist's secret and of course evil twin, was going to walk in on their fathers brother that was having an affair with their mother. The mother who had kept her locked up all her life, hidden away from the rest of the family, or if the two lovers would manage to part just before the girl barged in with the revolver she had hidden under her dress, slipped into the band of her thigh high stockings.

           Eventually, she moved towards the couch, plopping down on the floor in front of it without a word. For the better part of the next two episodes she stayed silent, but it wasn't until the third was almost finished that he really began to take notice of how strange she was acting. Her silence was unsettling, and the way she had begun to nervously rake her fingers through the ends of her hair, was sending small twinges of pain in his own head. All the signs that she had something big on her mind, and that meant he had to care now too, because there was no escape from her aggravating twitching. If the issue wasn’t addressed it wouldn’t be long before the girl's head exploded from thinking too much.

“Girl just spit it the fuck out already, before you make both of us fucking bald” He spat, letting out an agitated huff. He snapped his head in her direction, already annoyed by the anticipation of whatever bullshit explanation was going to come out of her mouth. He noticed his sudden break in the silence had made her jump and she quickly dropped her hands to her lap, balling them into tight fists atop her knees. She spared a nervous glance towards him before snapping her head back down, staring into her lap as she spoke

“Oh, um, no, ha ha, nothing wrong! Just, ya know, schools a draaaggg, heh…” She punctuated her words with a dismissive wave of a hand, before returning it to her lap. He waited still, not convinced there wasn't more to this. But his hard gaze to the side of her head was not enough to intimidate the truth out of her, she sat in silence, wringing her fingers so hard he could feel the pressure in his own hands. Finally, with a loud groan he flipped upright fully, roughly grabbing her wrists to make her stop. 

“Can you fucking stop already?!” He shouted, causing Natalie’s head to jerk up to look at him with a start, the fear and panic in her expression stunned him momentarily causing his face scrunched up in frustration. What in the hell was her problem? He was sure they were well past her thinking he was going to cause her physical harm, so why was she so damn jumpy? Natalie tried but failed to force a smile that came out of a grimace, as she weakly attempted to pull her wrist out of his grasp. In reality any attempts to get away were pointless if he wanted to keep her somewhere even in his smaller form as Stanly, and she knew it too so why the hell was she still trying to wiggle out of his grasp? 

After a few more attempts at getting him to release her she gave up with a defeated sigh, her hand hanging limply between them, the silence felt suffocating. Satan really didn’t understand her, not in the least, one minute she was all happy go lucky smiling in the face of death while running straight into the impending doom cloud of the apocalypse. Probably riding a fucking rainbow unicorn with cotton candy sunshine powers, and now she was sat in front of him, acting like any NORMAL human should at the dawn of the end of the world… Which ironically was very much out of the ordinary for her.

“Seriously kid, you aren’t yourself right now, so what’s your problem?” Natalie took in a shaky breath, and Satan could feel her chewing on the inside of her cheek as she tried to find the proper words before she spoke.

“I just, I’m worried, is all… about… all this junk that’s going on, with Michael… all these crazy monsters that want me dead and to steal your powers… what dad is gonna think when he finds out the truth…” Her voice lowered in volume as she spoke, and he had to lean in slightly to make out the words. But he understood her worry for her father, the poor old man already thought he was losing it, especially after seeing a glimpse of his long dead wife, during the possible deal with Michael over Natalie’s soul. It was just a matter of time before the guy finally put it together and figured out he was the Devil who now owned his daughter's soul. 

He figured Natalie had known from the start that things wouldn’t be easy to keep their contract a secret for long, and although he was still confused as to why she chose now to begin collapsing under the pressure, he gave her credit for lasting as long as she did.

“Really kid, that's your problem? You didn’t honestly think you could hide the apocalypse of all things, from your father forever, did you?” He couldn’t help the bark of laughter that escaped him, it was honestly hilarious to think the girl planned on hiding the end of the world from her old man, he may be a little dense at times but he wasn't a complete idiot. Satan was genuinely curious how she planned on pulling this off, because no amount of sweet talk and lies could cover up this mess, regardless of their contract, the apocalypse was coming; for everyone, ‘for her’. 

His last thought was a sobering one, and his amused grin faltered slightly at the reminder, especially now that he knew Natalie, actually knew her, and had realized how strong she was both when they met and even now, ‘but not strong enough…’. Natalie had stayed silent, and he tilted his head to catch a glimpse of her face but she turned away ever so slightly, staring blankly across the room to avoid his gaze. Her breathing was shakey and he could now see that her entire body was almost vibrating in an attempt to keep herself together.

“Natalie?” His voice had come out quieter than he intended, Satan never said her name, it was a conscious choice to not use it In the beginning, he had mainly done it simply because it had annoyed her, just so she would feel the need to remind him that she had a name. For once there was no thought behind it, his genuine concern had seeped out in a barely audible whisper, and he could feel her unease after he spoke, a twisting of something awful in his stomach that made him want to be sick. His throat tightened and a heavy pressure built up in his head… and that was the moment he heard it, a small, muffled sound, the tiny sob that came along with the next words she spoke.

“…I’m worried about what will happen to you… if Michael wins… if the demons get locked away in hell… where do you go when you die?” Her voice cracked as she spoke, and the silence after was suffocating. It filled the room around them both, but he didn't have an answer for her. Everything was becoming too much, he was both too warm and too cold, disconnected, empty, smothered by the words and the implication of them bouncing around in his head… She was just too soft, too sweet, too close. 

He couldn’t handle it, couldn’t stand the thought of someone caring so much about him because it was always a lie ‘she’s safe’, he corrupted anything he touched with his filth ‘you can’t taint her’. There was no way this small human girl could honestly care, or should care rather, about what happens to the literal devil after the apocalypse ’but she does care let her be there for you’, this time he physically shook his head to get rid of the thoughts dropping her wrist like it burned him. From past experience he knew not to be so trusting and before he truly had the chance to think about his words, they came out far harsher than intended.

           "Where the fuck did that come from? And why do you even care? It’s not like it’s going to matter anyway because you’re too stubborn to break this contract. You’re going to die right along with me so there's no reason to be worrying about my ass when were both fucking screwed” The bark of laughter that followed his words was loud and bitter, he got up and angrily stomped towards the hall and heading upstairs by himself to calm down. Seeing her cry over his inescapable fate just made him feel more guilty, and that pissed him off, why the fuck did he feel guilty? But the only quiet escape he has was her room, because there was no way she would let him leave the house alone and he needed to get the fuck away from her before he resorted to smashing whatever he could grab to blow off steam. That of course would probably just end in another trip to church as punishment… And honestly, with how he felt right now, he probably deserved the pain and discomfort that would bring him.

As he rounded the corner he paused, just out of her sight, as her muffled sniffling had now turned to open sobs in the quiet house. He felt stuck, staring intently at the worn out red rug under him as he flexed his toes and felt the fibres shift under his feet, attempting to swallow around the newly forming lump in his throat with little success. He mentally kicked himself for yelling at her, especially at a time like this. Although he enjoyed other people’s pain and despair he didn’t enjoy hers, and seriously that really pissed him off. Gripping the door frame with a clawed hand, he dug deep gouges into the soft wood, and with a low snarl he turned around and stomped back out into the Living Room.

           Natalie had looked up just as Satan stopped in front of her. Seeing her red and puffy eyes with likes of makeup tear tracks streaking down her flushed face made him feel nauseous. She began to open her mouth again, likely to question what he wanted and why he was back, but before she could say anything that might make him second guess things, Satan grabbed onto her arm and pulled her up. He dragged her towards the stairs, and in her current distraught state she weakly protested, sniffing in an attempt to stop more tears from falling as she weakly tried to pull her arm from his grasp, despite him barely holding on she stood no chance of escaping. 

He dragged her all the way up the stairs, down the hallway and pushed her into her room, only letting go long enough to slam the door behind him, which caused all random papers and photos the girl had stuck to her door to fly off, scattering all over the floor. Satan shifted into what Natalie had referred to as his ‘drug dealer’ form, turning around to face her once again. She stood there with her arms wrapped tightly around herself, her typical annoyingly extroverted, bubbly self, had been replaced with something he had only momentarily seen a few times before.

The times when she had brought him to visit her mother’s grave were the main ones, or the small handful of times some of his insults had gotten under her skin. The time Michael had brought her mothers soul to her in an attempt to forcefully break her contract with him was another one Satan could never forgive him for. It was that small flinch, the momentary silence before she would laugh and brush him off, the momentary anger she felt only seemed to make her feel guilty, and he would get this odd look in her eyes. It just wasn’t her… He shook away his thoughts, needing to focus on his current fuck up that was in need of fixing.

“Sit down” He gestured to the bed as he spoke, attempting to keep his voice as monotone as he could, it was a simple request she would hopefully be able to follow, even in her current state. She barely lifted her head, only glancing up at him through her lashes before quickly looking away. Satan could see her face was less red but her cheeks still looked damp, his hands twitched reflexively at the sight, and he had to resist the urge to wipe them away, a dull itch spreading across his palms. His whole body tensed, hands balled into tight fists at his sides to keep himself from doing something embarrassing.

Satan glanced around her room, at all the pictures, art and collectables she had lined along the walls and piled onto her bookshelf. Looking for some sort of distraction, anything that would help to shove the thoughts back down into wherever the fuck they came from with little luck. Natalie also didn't move immediately, but just as Satan thought he might lose his last bit of restraint, she slowly turned to walk towards the bed, gingerly sitting herself down on the very edge. She finally looked directly at him for the first time since she arrived home, waiting for further directions. 

He inhaled sharply, blowing the air back out through his nose as he moved towards her, stopping near the top of her bed. Leaning over he pulled down the pile of old blankets until there was enough room for her to climb into, before standing up once again, choosing to stare across the room again rather than look at her. He settled on her dresser mirror, which was surrounded by pictures and postcards both new and old, following along the line of photos, his eyes on a picture of the two of them, wedged into the upper corner. It was one that she had made him take on her birthday, a rare occurrence where he wasn’t sporting his signature frown, which appeared in almost all the other pictures she had of him. 

It was almost surreal to see his own face looking so normal and happy… he quickly looked away again, choosing instead to stare at the floor, yet another failed attempt to clear his mind of the thoughts that had been bombarding him recently. Thankfully the kid understood the silent request a little quicker this time, and she carefully climbed over the mound of blankets and pulled the layers up over her legs. Once she had gotten settled fully he sat himself down on the edge of the bed with his back to her, neither of them saying a word for a long moment. It wasn’t until he heard her quiet sniffing resume, as if she was going to cry again. 

At that his head whipped around to face her, once again Natalie avoided looking at him, with her head bent down and chin pressed against her chest. Satan didn’t know why the sight bothered him so much, it shouldn’t be getting to him at all he had seen plenty of humans cry. The literal devil shouldn’t care this much especially not about a human girl being upset ‘but you do care’. That stupid fucking voice in the back of his head was whispering to him again, it wasn’t the same as those voices, not even close, those would scream and bombard him with a constant flow of disgustingly twisted words, words he use to think was the honest truth. Which was sometimes more painful than the things the souls trapped in eternal damnation use to say about him. 

No, this calm little voice seemed to speak up at all the wrong times for a completely different reason, an ever optimistic back seat driver, this girl must really be working her way under his skin and he hated it! ‘That’s a lie’. Cursing under his breath, once again being called out by his own budding conscience, he tilted his head down, to get a better look at her face and she glanced up ever so slightly, a quiet humourless laugh escaping her lips.

“Yeah I know I’m a baby” She muttered, toying with the fraying edge of her quilt.

“I didn’t say anything.'' He really hadn’t, although he didn't really think about how out of character his actions would look to her. Satan shouldn't be surprise she thought he was basically just torturing himself by pretending to give a fuck about her emotional well being, because in the beginning that's what he did. But the longer he was forced to interact with her due to their contract, the urge to constantly insult her had dwindled and he had actually grown quite fond of her. He was finding it increasingly more difficult to deny the things that quiet, happy little voice kept saying to him.

“You don’t have to say it…” She spoke in a muffled whisper as she sniffed again and rubbed a hand across her face in frustration as the tears that continued to fall down her face. With how pathetic her voice had sounded, Satan honestly had to fight back a snort, she really did know him so well, that even when he was making the conscious effort to not be a prick she knew what his initial reaction would be (and to be fair she was being a bit of a baby but he wasn’t gonna tell her that… not yet anyway).

Shuffling further up the bed, he turned himself until he was seated next to her, leaning against the headboard, which caused her to eye him wearily. But he couldn't or rather, wouldn't look directly at her, if he did he probably wouldn't be able to go through with this, and the struggle to resist not running away and hiding was already quite the fight. Pulling up one of her pillows he propped it upright against the wall next to his torso, the only other movement he made was to stretch his arm out, still not looking directly at her.

Satan could barely see her reaction out of the corner of his eye, she had stopped crying at least but now appeared utterly confused, her nose scrunched up, mouth downturned in a small pout. Swallowing thickly, he once again appeared to be very interested in something on the other side of the room, there was no way he could let himself back out now or she would never let him live it down. Natalie pushed herself back against the oversized pillow ever so slowly, until her back finally came in contact with his arm. He couldn’t help but notice how soft her hair was, the sweet fruit and floral smell of her shampoo and perfume made his head feel fuzzy. 

Satan was pressed tightly into the wall behind him and he could feel his shoulder blades grinding against it as he shifted, finding it difficult to relax enough to find a comfortable position without disturbing Natalie. When he noticed her wearily mirroring his anxious posture next to him he shuffled slightly down the bed so he was slouching into the pillows behind him more comfortably, forcibly lowering shoulders so arm laid more naturally against the back of the pillow despite still feeling so tense, his hand loosely hung down over her shoulder gently grazing her arm. 

She continued to wiggle and shift around awkwardly, seemingly trying to avoid touching anything except the arm he had draped behind her. Eventually he had enough of her endless squirming and with an annoyed scoff he gripped her shoulder and pulled her into his side. She let out a shrill startled squeak as she was suddenly pulled into his side, he could feel her turn her head to look up at him, her hair tickling his arm where it was wrapped tightly around her. Satan felt his face grow hot as he avoided her gaze. It took everything in him to resist turning towards her, to continue ignoring how soft she felt pressed against him, her breath against his neck while she stared up at him patiently. He couldn't think about how trusting she was, or the calming smell of her perfume.NO he had to fight against those thoughts… for the sake of his own sanity. 

Thankfully it didn’t take long for the kid to realise she probably wasn’t getting any explanation and rather than trying to make him talk like she normally would, she shuffled slightly, adjusting herself until she was more comfortably pressed against his side, pulling her knees up to rest against his legs. Natalie laid her head down on his chest, lifting the arm that wasn’t trapped between them and hesitantly resting it against his ribs, tucked under her chin. Satan had to consciously remind himself to take slow steadying breaths to calm himself. As much as the girl got on his nerves at times, she had been through quite a bit since they’d met. He hadn’t really been helping lessen her stress levels, so despite his usual no touching rule he owed this to her.

Using his free hand, he carefully pulled the quilt up over them until it reached her neck, draping it over her shoulders and his arm that was wrapped around her. Satan had not been paying attention to how long it had been, but they stayed there long enough he began to notice the light from her bedroom window fading. By now she had seemingly calmed down the tension having left her shoulders, he finally took the chance to glance down at her to find she was fast asleep. Snoring lightly, Satan noticed a few pieces of her hair had slipped down over her face, and he paused for a moment before lifting his hand to gently brush them behind her ear, fingers lingering on the skin of her cheek for a short moment. He gently brushed his thumb over her tear stained face, before pulling back and resting his arm across his stomach. 

“You’re something else kid…” She really was the biggest mystery to him, because who in their right mind would feel content to fall asleep curled up next to the literal personification of hell itself?. Right from the beginning her initial fear of meeting him had faded rather quickly, and she fell into the role of his contractor. In the beginning Satan felt she took her job just a little too seriously, but the longer he was with her the more he saw she was a great help for himself. If only because she gave him no other options, she saw right through him and all his bullshit, honestly she was the only person that even bothered to find out more about him, to truly know him as something other than the king of hell. 

As much as he hated to admit it, her scrutiny was both comforting and horrifying. The more she pushed his buttons or she forced herself into his personal space out of genuine concern, the more she broke down the barricades that he had built up over the centuries… The less he minded what she saw, which had shocked him to his core initially to realize that maybe he wanted her to see more of him. Darkness, hatred, and self loathing was all he saw when forced to look within, but somehow Natalie had found good, somehow she saw a light in him that he couldn't yet, and she was determined to make him see it too someday. He honestly began to wonder if the light she saw was her own, if she had given him a small piece of herself, buried it in his chest to scare away the shadows, sacrificing some of her happiness to help his stubborn ass heal. With a weary sigh, he couldn’t help but voice his thoughts out loud.

“You may be a major pain in my ass Natalie, but ya know, I’m glad it was you I got stuck with” It was thee truth, he couldn’t help it. This girl made him feel things he thought he had long since forgotten, was a natural thing with her, and there was no way around it. 

“Not that I haven’t considered smothering you in your sleep, because I have, but I never did… I couldn’t bring myself to actually hurt you… Even hurting your feelings makes me feel bad sometimes. How’d that happen?” He trailed off, not really sure how to explain what she had done to him. Glancing down he watched her face as she slept, she looked so calm, all the stress from the looming apocalypse had disappeared from her features. Her cheek was pressed against his chest pushing her lips out into a little pout, Satan found himself focusing on her lips just a little too long, before quickly turning his eyes away, kicking himself for being a creep while she slept next to him.

He instead focused on the hand she had resting on his chest. She really was tiny compared to him, her hands were small and delicate, but he also knew she could throw a good punch when she needed too. She was strong for a human, not so much in the physical sense, but her will, and it was something he admired about her; even if her sassy nature pissed him off every so often, it pissed Michael off more. He couldn’t help the small smirk that came to his face at the thought, Michael was extremely annoyed with the fact that from the beginning, Natalie preferred Satan, and anybody else for that matter, over him.

“I know I’m an asshole, it’s in my nature, but I hope you know I don’t really hate you, not completely anyway. But you are kind of a bitch at times, and being tied to a teenager still isn’t at the top of my list of favourite things… but you’re not, completely horrible”

He felt Natalie shift slightly, and tensed at the movement, and before he could really react, Natalie sat up and faced him. He was frozen in place, as they watched each other, and then the kid did something that really threw him off. Using the hand between them as leverage, she leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, lingering there for a few seconds before pulling away and laying her head back on his chest, pressing against his side more firmly.

“I love you too ya big marshmallow” He coughed and sputtered for a moment before falling silent, his entire body felt heavy, and the tightness in his chest made it hard to breath. Looking down at her again, all he could see was the top of her head. He couldn’t help how his voice shook as he attempted to speak

“Natalie?” She lifted her head up towards him, a faint look of confusion on her face, her hair flopped over in her face once again. And that was it. As much as he would tease her about it, she really was quite pretty. Not in the supermodel sense, she was no Cleopatra that’s for sure. But her soul, she was so bright, even from his view; and he couldn’t help but wish he could see what Raphael could. But he wouldn’t ever have a true complaint about the parts he could see… with that, he couldn’t take it any longer

“I…” His words wouldn’t come out, and as Natalie looked more and more worried, there was only one way he could tell her what he was trying to say; he hesitantly lifted the hand that had been resting on his stomach to move her hair out of her face, brushing his knuckles against her cheek, before gently lifting her chin up towards him. Quickly leaned down he pressed his lips to hers, no thought or plan to it, his resolve had finally caved and he was acting on pure impulse by this point.

Her reaction was to be expected as she went completely still sucking in a sharp breath at the contact, though to his surprise she didn’t pull away immediately. He manoeuvred his hand to rest at the nape of her neck, gently supporting her head as he softly pressed into her more firmly. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, afraid to face the rejection that was inevitably coming once he retreated, only staying in place a few moments longer, savouring the soft warmth of her lips, the taste of her peach flavoured gloss, of what would likely be their first, and last kiss. Pulling away ever so slightly, he rested his forehead against hers, feeling her light panting breath flutter against his lips which sent a shiver down his spine and he inhaled shakily.

Neither one dared move, the silence once again felt smothering, Natalies soft breathing was almost drowned out by the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his head and he wished for an easy escape, to run away like he always had before. But there was no escaping this time, what he had done wasn’t something that could be easily forgiven and would be even harder to forget. He waited for her anger, for her to slap him and demand an explanation, for her to send him to spend the night on the roof outside, all of which he would deserve. He wasn’t expecting the light touch of Natalie’s free hand lightly cupping the side of his face, or the gentle stroking of  her thumb across his cheekbone. He didn't expect her shuddering breath against his lips or the small trembling in her hand that spread through her body, it was hard to focus on anything else with just how god damn warm she was pressed against him. But the one thing he really wasn’t expecting, was the tentative brush of her lips on his own.

He froze, body tensing at the contact as his thoughts began to race, scrambling to process the fact she had kissed him back, ‘she is kissing you back’. Satan felt the soft quirk of her smile against his lips and it was just enough to snap him out of his daze. His arm around her shoulder had moved to her waist pulling her further up his torso and holding her tightly. The hand at the nape of her neck tightened as he returned her shy kiss a little more firmly, barely pulling away with a short gasp before pressing back into her with more urgency.

The hand that was softly stroking his face had since moved to the back of his neck, as she raked her fingers through his hair. Satan couldn’t help the shiver accompanied by a low growl let out against the girl’s lips as her nails scraped against his skin, and this reaction seemed to give her a little more confidence. She pried her other arm from between them, wrapping it around his neck gripping onto his opposite shoulder for support. He could feel her heartbeat racing where she was pressed against his chest, hard and fast, her breath a heavy panting into his mouth each time their lips parted ever so slightly; and he was no better. He was losing his composure, he could feel as his teeth began to sharpen of their own accord, as his horns just barely sprouted out his forehead, taking every ounce of willpower to not lose control. 

He finally managed to tear himself away from her lips with a deep groan, opening his eyes to look at the girl that both ripped him apart and held him together. Natalies was studying his face carefully, the green of her eyes was almost completely swallowed up by her pupils. Neither one dared move for father knows how long, until Satan finally took the initiative, sitting up he loosened his grip on her slightly leaning into her, and Natalie followed his lead, allowing him to lay her down across the head of the bed. Hovered over her, propped up on his elbows either side of her face, he couldn't help but to admire her below him. The soft red of her hair framed her flushed face perfectly, her big doe eyes staring up at him so eager and trusting, made his whole body feel hot. 

Her mouth parted slightly, her chest heaving with every panting breath she took, and her lips were still red and swollen from his relentless assault. He was enjoying his perfect view, taking in her flustered state, what he had done to her. But apparently he was taking just a little too long for Natalie's liking, as she snapped him away from his thoughts when she gripped the collar of his dress shirt pulling him down to meet her lips once again, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. He really didn’t deserve her, in no way, shape or form, she was so fragile compared to him, as most humans were. Her soft tender frame and calm demeanour, her open affection, her mortality… A stark contrast to his tall ridgid muscle, fabricated to make him more intimidating, full of anger and hatred for these humans who cursed him to eternal damnation. He didn't deserve her and she certainly didn’t deserve him, she didn't deserve his anger, the danger of the apocalypse, none of it. Everything about them screamed that the two didn’t fit together, but right now, by some crazy miracle they seemed to slot together perfectly.

She must have sensed his wandering thoughts, as he felt a gentle scrape of her teeth against his bottom lip. He instinctually returned the gesture by biting down on her own lip with more pressure, digging his fangs into the soft flesh, greedily swallowing up her surprised squeak as he held back the urge to dig his claws into her bed spread. Everything still felt too warm, but he couldn’t bare the thought of being separated from her even for a moment. Cradling her head in his hands, he pried himself away from her lips to pepper kisses all over her face as she; the corners of her mouth and along her cheeks, her forehead down her nose. Before slowly and softly, pressing small, deliberate kisses down the side of her face, until he met with her jawline, panting heavily against her neck, waiting. Watching her face for a sign, anything to tell him this was alright, as much as he was desperate to touch the rest of her, the last thing he wanted was for her to feel pressured. He wouldn’t dare do any more than what she would allow him.

She squirmed under his weight, anticipating his next move, but when he didn’t advance she finally opened her eyes to look back at him. The sun having long set Satan couldn't be sure how long they had been there, hell even if the sun came up he’s not sure he would have even noticed right now. Eventually Natalie was the one to break the silence, her voice came out with a slight tremble. 

“So um… What now? Y-you know a lot more… about this stuff than I do…” She chewed the skin on the inside of her cheek as she spoke, and he could feel the sensation in his own. Despite the electric feel in the air and the position he had her in, it wasn’t as much a sensual thing as it was an adorable one. The grin that spread across his face as he dropped his head down letting out a deep rough laugh against her neck, seemed to confuse her for a second, but he could see the small twitch in the corner of her mouth. A smile eventually spread to her own face, and with a soft giggle she leaned in to press a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth before dropping her head back down. Satan ran his fingers through her hair, watching the strands fall lightly to the bed as he played with the softly curled locks. Her eyes drooped closed slightly at his actions, a small hum of approval escaping her lips.

“You should probably get some sleep, kid. You look like you need it” With that, he gently wedged an arm underneath her, lifting her back up to a sitting position. With the motion, her grip on his neck tightened again, and in her half asleep state she refused to let go of him as he tried to tuck her into bed properly.

“Noooo, stay. with me…please?” came her mumbled reply against his neck.

“I’m not going anywhere kid… now come on you need to go to sleep” He struggled to manoeuvre himself so he could lay down, which proved more difficult when she still wouldn’t let go of him. After a few failed attempts, he huffed and gently pried her arms from around her neck. He would not admit that the small groans of disapproval she made were adorable, even though they were... Eventually Satan managed to get them both better situated, laying down he pulled her against him and she buried her face in his chest while he rested his chin on the top of her head. It wasn’t long at all before she seemed as if she had fallen asleep, breathing softly against him, as he gently stroked up and down her back.

“Goodnight Natalie.” a whisper against her hairline, not really meant for her to hear. He didn't use her name often but realised after tonight, he really might have to start. Honestly he was starting to get used to the idea. 

“Goodnight Satan” Her small tired reply came as a barely audible whisper, and he gave her one final squeeze as he placed a final kiss to her forehead before closing his own eyes. Even if he couldn’t sleep, he could still enjoy the peace her presence brought him.

[sarahhillips]

This Just In, We’re Back to Libertys Kids While Higher Than Ben Franklins Kite

New York New York

Gotta be one of my favorites because of how smooth that guy was

Why isn’t this the national anthem? I want someone singing this before every football game

American history but make it so sugarcoated that everyone gets diabetes

Mom I like your friends house

Black Dick, your telescope sir

James that collar looks great, stop whining and be the queen you are

James is like fuck she’s conservative af too

Omg that cute yankee soldiers looking at me ☺️

I’m just gonna get out if this march to try an get some

James should have started cackling after her ‘I’m English’ comment. It would make Udneys comeback way smoother.

“I give you my strong arm for your protection” “BRO WTF GET BACK IN LINE”

Almost got it Udney.

“Can I come?” “NO”

Strategy is important

“This is a PAID internship” “Ok hell ya”

“What do they know about running a country?” Mrs. Radcliffe spitting facts.

Whot are you doin in ma swamp?

They really let Henri get snatched like that 

“Because they can’t fly” Damn

“General Howe is welcome to him” DAMN

Henri wtf

Henri blew up the Sept, not Cersei

“I found Ugly and he told me what happened.”

Welp, the British have New York

Black Dick took Manhatten.

One Life To Lose

Ah yes, this was when they saw a nice man get hanged for creepin’

I feel like the sound of his neck snapping and the sight of his limp body would make Sarah faint if they were ballsy enough to include that

Wow these dudes were fat

And the proof is in the pudding

Oy the drunkin sailor be back

Sarah is so bored

The Brits are stealing American men

The old man was like “Get tf out of here”

Nathan cuts in so randomly it does not feel natural.

She did the full curtsy for him

Mr. Hale so hot he’s got all the girls curtsying.

Nathan, why are you telling them all this?

Sarah is totally flirting with him.

So wait, Admiral Howe and General Howe are different people

God damn it how did I not know this

They’re spying on a spy. The irony

Nathan WTF

Don’t tell me this is actually how he got caught is it

There come these three stooges

I think James has been kidnapped way more than Sarah could ever be despite her damsel in distress demeanor

Nathan is ballsy af

James said I’m staying

Sarah said I’m gonna hitchhike.

Here it comes ya’ll

“He’s actually quite gracious and cultured when you get to know him.” Ok Jane Austin.

And now they’re Hillips shippers

“So, when is the big day?” And then it transitions to them years later at the alter, Sarah wearing a nice green dress with gold butterflies and a veil and James in a nice blue suit with a hat, and you hear the priest say ‘I pronounce thee Man and Wife.’

“Anyways, Nathan’s hangin out with the redcoats today.”

These men are so burning in hell for how they treated these people

They wouldn’t even draw in a noose

The sight of Nathan at the gallows causing Sarah to cling to James’ arm tho

Alright James time to write this article

Captain Molly

Ok but an episode where Henri accidentally joins a mafia

THE JAM STAYS

Ben be going on another cruise

Sarah’s insulted Washington won’t let her come

And here comes Molly

Henri giving off autistic vibes here

Rosemary, that is French silk you crotch goblin

Damn Molly

“Sarah, she’s English!”

“I don’t ask permission to do nothin’!” Sarah, let those words inspire your character.

Dad Moses mode activated

James got passionate there

You can forget about those eight to ten kids Molly

Well Sarah now you’re seeing a lil bit about why King George is evil

They brought in tHe bagpipes for their funerals.

I’m surprised the redcoats didn’t hold all those women and children hostage.

James is so happy Sarah’s alive

Molly was another woman school didn’t teach me about.

American Crisis

Henri has a soldiers spirit

Moses you’re too calm about Henri running away

Traveling by ship must have been mentally trying for everyone.

These dudes are not ok

Henri 😭

When a little French boy smelling of onions sneaks into your camp in a barrel.

Thomas Paine is back 🩷

Writers block is a bitch

Do you think Paine would like the movie Soul

“We’re walking to Philadelphia.”

Omg Moses no

A printing press is large enough to bone on. Just saying.

Tom said “I will beat yo ass in with this log.”

Imagine putting all those letters together by hand

“Hold your breeches”

[intrepidradish]

Media: Farscape

Year/my age: 2019/29

This one is going to be enormous. Cant' be helped.

What drew me to the media:

Sometime in 2017, the boyfriend, later husband, was watching a show called Farscape. We lived in a different states. He was really enjoying it, and I wasn't in the mindset to watch a show. I was trying to watch Star Trek the Next Generation and was failing miserably. He said I should watch Farscape instead, and I don't take show suggestions because I'm a stubborn jackass that likes to be an enigma. Classic Classic. Nothing has changed. I did not watch Farscape.

Fast forward two years, I'm in a pit of despair because I can't watch anymore Dr. Who. I finished the reboot material, don't want to go back to the earlier Whos and can't afford the Jodi Whittaker's on prime. I'm lightly sobbing (because I'm a lil baby) about needing a new show that is both funny, campy, and also trauma inducing. Once again the boyfriend is like "dude, watch Farscape." and I'm like "no, no. I'm not going to watch the muppets-in-space show."

We all know how this ends.

OKAY BUT SEASON 1! John Crichton! Aeryn Sun! The MAKEUP! The Props! The SETS! The Muppets!

I'm engaged, you know, I'm there watching.

I think early season John Crichton is yaknow... he's an arc type of a white guy in space. He was on top of the spaghetti on Earth being a cis straight guy, kind of a bro. He's got that solid mix vibe of both your quarterback from highschool but is smart enough to also be your biology tutor. He's got a heart of gold. He's going to stand up for the nerd getting the toilet swirly.

He's an arc type we see a LOT in science fiction, and the normal route for these kinds of dudes is they get in an unfamiliar environment and take over. Since I was worried that was going to be his trajectory, I was a little more skeptical of him from the start.

What is really refreshing about Farscape right out of the gate is that John Crichton is off kilter. He does not get in and take *anything* over. His unfamiliarity with the situation constantly is a disservice to himself and others despite trying to get on top of it, he can't. His heart of gold does win him a few friends though. Even though they all think he's nuts, which he is, and definitely is going to get crazier.

Anyway for the next 18 episodes, hour long apiece (its also crazy that seasons used to be 26 episodes, the 90s were blessed), I was happily invested in watching a man screw up a lot but also save the day. I love plots that revolve around a HUGE misunderstanding, because that's what motivates the plot for most of season 1.

What made me a fan:

Look, to defend myself here before we even get into it, I'm kind of a strange person. I look very 'cute woman', I'm dominantly tall for being only 5'9." I have blue eyes and dark hair, and weirdish teeth that makes a great smile. If you put me in a room with other people, I can be very charming. However, if you put me in sweats alone at home, I transform into a monster; a genderless, venomous freak that wants to eat raw meat, claw at dirt, and spit at people.

Inside, I am a freakish goblin person.

I've come to terms with this.*

(*she had, in fact, not come to terms with this in 2019)

I find it really funny that a lot of people are attracted to media because characters resonant with them. This very rarely happens to me. I can pick little bits of pieces of this character or that character that I like, but it's always me *liking* a character, not me relating to one. People generally don't put freakish goblin characters in shows. It's not like... a common character to make for a show, or book, or movie, or for anything for that matter.

Shocking to me, Farscape introduces a freakish goblin character late in season 1. Scorpius shows up.

'Neat' doesn't really cover it.

You know, it really is so nice to be represented for once in media. It really feels pretty great. Why yes, I am both that strange alien lizard man and why yes, I also want to rail him. That's the trans identity in a nutshell.

What did Hannibal Lector say to Clarice in Silence of the Lambs

"First, you have to covet. And how do you being to covet, Clarice?"

"You covet what you see everyday."

Right, I'm getting off track and poetic.

This is the first time I got interested in a media not for a ship but because of a single character. Scorpius is interesting enough on his own. He doesn't need someone to fix him or complete him. I want to take him in my hands, hold him, and then free him in every single animal enclosure just to watch what he does. And that *chef's kiss* is the perfect character, no ship needed.

Why do I like Scorpius?

I'm so glad you asked!

One. Look at him. He's a lizard man. He's got a weird bdsm outfit. He's got liquid latex pants, a codpiece, and an impish false tail (which doesn't get captured enough on video in the show's lighting). He's not ripped, he has a nice belly (belly.) He's got a cowl for fuck's sake. Also what's the deal with his gstring face mask? His gray pallor. His dark lips. His sharp teeth. But then they left his very human blue eyes. Love that. Apparently they thought about giving him lizard eye contacts and I'm so glad they didn't. He's great! He looks great. Moving on.

Two. He also has a great voice. I love creature actors! They have all this latex on their face, so their mobility for expression goes way down. But the greats always have fantastic voices. Doug Jones! Armin Shimmerman! Iggy pop (lols)! One of my fav things to do to introduce the character is send people the first torture scene, and Scorp has this liquid smooth, soft voice. LIKE SHUT UP. I'm sorry I'm a voice slut, but I am. He sounds great. He sounds like a ASMR whisper video that could put me to sleep.

Three. Harvey. Harvey is the head clone Scorpius put inside John Crichton. He's actually...more of my favorite... than Scorpius. (Ah!) Mostly because he's so fucking funny. And eventually, I got into the mind set that they are two sides of the same coin. That in order to understand Scorpius, you need to understand Harvey. And only when you sync the two, you get the whole man. Scorpius doesn't say a lot. Harvey says too much. You need both of them to understand.

Four. He's disabled. He has a genetic disorder. He suffers from chronic pain. If he gets too hot, he experiences excruciating pain. He's come up with a weird way to deal with it: a temperature suit and a giant cooling rod inserted in his brain. The cooling rod eventually craps out and he gets too hot again. His body regularly tries to kill him. It might be giving him brain damage.

Five. He is obsessed and stubborn and difficult and determined and willing to do anything. He has no allegiances (but he's also pretty nice to the people that work for him). He's motivated solely because he thinks it's the most efficient way to save the galaxy. (Don't worry, it's also a self-invested decision. He's still a bad boy.) Unfortunately, he thinks he'll need to commit genocide. He's wrong, but that makes him even better.

Six. He's smart, but not too smart. He makes mistakes. Season 3 is probably my favorite season, because that crushing finale. Lord.

Seven. He's a product of his upbringing, which was fucking shitty. He's ultimately an underdog. Ah! Yeah Season 3 Incubator! I honestly think Season 3 is the Scorpius season. It was the season they made him empathetic to the audience. He's a rape baby. He's a science experiment! He's not even a very good one. He's probably the only one that survived. He's alone in the universe. FUCKING ROUGH.

Eight. John Crichton will never forgive him. FUCK. This is one of my favorite plot points. Their entire relationship is just so shitty. John snuck into a Peacekeeper base as a Sebaccean. Scorpius, literally walking by him, knew he was lying, and captures him for torture to discover why he's breaking into a PK base. Because John is there for his then girlfriend, John tries to hide it. Quite separately, Scorpius see all his information about Wormholes, and is like 'huh that's a good way to destroy an entire race. tell me more.' Scorpius cares so little about John's stupid girlfriend, that she accidentally gets killed, and yaknow, being a smart dude, tags his catch and release with a clone brain chip. (As you do. It's completely understandable.) Unfortunately, the brain clone makes John go crazy for an entire season and kill his second girlfriend. JEEZ.

I might be misremembering things. I'm sort of on Scorpius's side at this point. It's been four years.

THE POINT IS. The entire thing is a HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING again. Like John doesn't have the info Scorpius wants out of the gate. Scorpius wasn't even supposed to be torturing him. It's shitty KISMET. They are on opposite sides for no reason! (it's almost star crossed lovers) Because of how John enjoys Harvey towards the end of their run, these two guys could've been friends. And that's a tragedy. To me. This person that watched a show and enjoyed it.

Nine. This guy looks like a KINKY FUCK and HE IS. I honestly thought when he first showed up they were going to neuter him. I'm too used to disney villains obviously. I was like 'oh...right, gimp man. he is going to be slowly deprived of every ounce of sex appeal like an orange in a juicer. they can't allow that thing to be sexy. it goes against the very integrity of expected normal television' BUT THEN THEY DIDN'T. He is every ounce the kinky fuck you want him to be the entire show. Including sucking blood off John's finger. Licking Meeklo Braca's face. Wearing a dog collar and drinking out of a bowl. Eating food weird. And literally having sex. He also moans when he's in pain. It all makes me feel pretty electric, and disgusted. I love it.

Ten. He wins. yup. 'nough said.

Have I written fanfiction for it? Why or why not?

You bet your ass I have. In the year of our lord 2019 having just been godsmacked by a character I strangely related to, I had to write some fanfiction. I was actually pretty confused about what I adored about Scorpius at the time. Since its a twenty year old fandom, I expected to uncover a treasure trove of other people already dealing with the same shit I was going through.

Like what's the deal with this hot lizard man? What kind of wicked sex he be having? What's his damage with John? How many different ways do they do the nasty to deal with their tension?

Surprisingly, the fandom did not deliver on these questions. Either, it was the 90s-00s and like...the nonbinary trans gay agenda wasn't really a concern for the founding show of a new tv network or a lot of the gay was lost in the fanfiction.net purge or the internet had changed just too damn much (forums didn't last 20 years).

Instead, I ran into a lot of fanfiction stories that didn't talk about his sexuality at all or made him into a huge rapist but didn't like...actually talk about rape or abuse or question any of that. I read the rape ones because I don't have a lot of options, but I was a bit irritated right. (Admittedly, I'm projecting on a weird lizard man, so I probably shouldn't get too bent out of shape about it. But I do. Meh.)

The first two stories I wrote, are definitely me trying to figure out something about my own sexuality vis a vis a weird lizard man. I entered with Harvey, because he was easier to grapple with.

Moments in Multitudes is just... so weird. But mind palaces are some of my favorite tropes.

Black Mirror was originally only 3 chapters long, but I expanded it when I was writing Far Horizon (the more plot driven story) because I was horny.

They are both weird stories. I think chapter 2 and 3 of Black Mirror are some of the best writing I did for the fandom. Too bad they are hidden in a no-touchy kink exploration of two characters that are the same person in a mental space. Ooooops.

Ultimately, I was writing for myself, and using a story to address my own approach to the monstrous.

I read this great article at the time.

It's a great article about identity and action. A person's identity has nothing to do with how they behave or how they are perceived.

But I also really liked this article's breakdown that desire and disgust live on the same spectrum. It's why men that claim to love women are also disgusted with their sexuality, bodies, and their sex.

I'm a cerebral person, so I needed more understanding of why Scorpius, a character that makes me a little wigged out, is something I'm also very attracted to. Fascinating stuff.

Around the time I was writing Scorpius like this, I also got a really wicked intense crush on a femme nonbinary person. Yay. Coming to terms with being bisexual. Thanks Scorp!

I don't have much to say about Far Horizon. It wasn't supposed to be horny, but some scenes don't leave a person alone. I sometimes think about taking out the masturbation scene, since the story can standalone without it. But meh.

Like I said before, I was writing for myself, and I very much enjoy rereading these stories.

Exceptional is one of my favorite stories I've written. It's very full circle of my exploration of Scorp. It's about his mom issues (but secretly) but it's also more about an OC than Scorp himself. I don't understand why people click this story but don't kudos it. It constantly makes me sad. Maybe it's too long. Maybe the sex scenes are too perverse. Maybe I humanized Scorp too much. Maybe the writing is actually bad. Maybe Natalia isn't likeable enough. I have no idea. I love this story though.

I think about scratching the serials off to try to market it, but without Scorp as an existing character in an existing universe, I don't think it works as well.

Opinion on the fandom:

Confusing! I found this show at the wrong time. The old guard is off living their lives. The young guard is like ten years younger than me. It's a very quiet fandom.

The best part is I found Iterations from posting on Ao3, and she supported me as a friend through the pandemic. She dragged my ass into predators (which I'll talk about shortly. It was awful lols) We collaborated on a predators story. We were writing partners for a year or two.

Getting blocked by an artist I really enjoyed was awful too. I don't think I've ever been blocked by someone I wanted to interact with before. It was the first time I was aware of being blocked in my entire existence on the internet!

It's strange because Farscape is SO HORNY. But I want to write the WRONG HORNY.

Like not a lot of people enjoyed Exceptional based on the kudos, but during the time I was taking over the Farscape tag for 26 consecutive weeks, there were SO MANY HORNY SCORPIUS STORIES. I like to think that my story inspired a lot of people. I have to go find it but the Daddy Scorp/Little John was WILD. Someone wrote about the scarran blood pact. We got the insane watersports story. We got the BUG SOUNDING DEAD DOVE. It was a fucking buffet of perverted Scorp stories.

And I remember someone in the midst of this buffet published an Aeryn/John and tagged it like *normal sex* not like all you *freaks*

I went and found it:

Iterations and I went off to giggle about this normcore fuck head trying to slow our roll. Like way to announce you're a boring prude to the public. Let us have our short lived fun.

The Farscape tag is uh more tame right now. People like short reads. Apparently, people still don't kudos. Meh. I don't get it. Sorry I'm horny, guys. I think its in the spirit of the show though.

Would I read again?

Yeah. I actually dig up Scorp stories all the time. It's the only thing I read though. I'm very narrowly focused.

[noahmanskar]

The Best Albums of 2020 (and from the Before Times)

I read a lot of year-end music roundups, and several this year have come with a resonant caveat: It’s been harder to discover new music this year, both because of physical limitations (no shows, no record-store browsing, no chats with friends about your latest finds), and because the way we used music fundamentally changed. It certainly did for me. Rather than serving as the backdrop for a commute or a night out, it created moments of solace from cabin fever while doing dishes, or showering, or running semi-weekly errands. So I often turned to what was comfortable and familiar, songs that conjured memories and feelings to get me through the day. Even on the rare occasions of social listening, the groups I was with drifted into nostalgia — middle school dance tracks, mid-2000s emo, inherited dad rock, even songs from just a year or two ago, when everything was simpler, relatively speaking.

That’s not to say nothing new moved me. There was a handful of albums and songs that were crucial to getting through the doldrums. They soundtracked bike rides, long walks, longer drives and lots of small moments mentioned above. But I don’t think I can think about my favorite music of this year without thinking about the albums of the past that got me through it. Besides, one of the many lessons 2020 taught is that time is a bizarre illusion anyway. (This exercise also lets me write about some recent albums that I didn’t get to write about when they were actually released.

So here are the albums, past and present, that made 2020 bearable. I hope you found yours, too.

Tame Impala, “The Slow Rush”

Tame Impala’s fourth LP came out on Valentine’s Day. That afternoon, Claire and I had a lunch date to mark the occasion before we got on a plane to visit my parents. The night before, we had gone out to dinner with friends visiting from San Francisco and then to a bar, where we huddled next to strangers on a water bed. Roughly a month later, all of this would be unimaginable, and Kevin Parker’s lyrics to “One More Year” would be eerily prescient as we settled into this new normal:

But now I worry our horizon's been nothing new 'Cause I get this feeling and maybe you get it too We're on a rollercoaster stuck on its loop-de-loop 'Cause what we did one day on a whim Has slowly become all we do

The song is really about surrendering to time, and not worrying about it passing in spite of your ambivalence. The opening chants of Parker’s “Gregorian Robot Choir” make it easy to surrender. They carry you into a world where, as the cover art suggests, all that time you were worrying about has already passed, so you might as well dance. At the same time, the songs that follow, like “Borderline,” “Breathe Deeper” and “Lost In Yesterday” make it easy to remember what it was like to dance in a sweaty room with people you love, and to look forward to doing it again, after a little more time passes.

Fleet Foxes, “Shore”

There’s something comforting about the fact that Fleet Foxes released this record on the exact moment of the autumnal equinox. It’s a reminder that nature has its own rhythms that carry on regardless of what occurs in our human lives. They give us a measure of certainty in uncertain times. One of these rhythms — death — looms large in “Sunblind,” an ode to Robin Pecknold’s departed musical forebears: David Berman, Bill Withers, John Prine and others. This song exuding calm acceptance shifts into “Can I Believe You,” which wrestles frankly with doubt and fear.

These tracks contain profound contradictions, but sonically, they're both bright, hopeful and sure. That’s what made this album such a balm in the sixth month of this pandemic, a time of both growing darkness and hope for what might be on the other side. It reminds us that there’s power and beauty in feeling all these things at once.

Lil Uzi Vert, “Eternal Atake”

This one spent two years in label purgatory, but it finally arrived in March to prove Lil Uzi Vert can do it all. He’s at his most versatile here, spitting and crooning, boasting and balladeering. “You Better Move” is an early standout packed with playful nostalgia, including a beat that samples that classic PC pinball game and delightful jabs like these:

Yeah, step on competition, changin' my shoes Green shirt, bitch, I'm Steve, where is Blue? Every chain on, I pity a fool I'm an iPod, man, you more like a Zune Made her eat on my dick with a spoon, ew Versace drawers, bitch, you Fruit of the Loom

Then there are the melodic tracks like “Urgency,” which compel you to hum along even on the first listen. The excellent diversity made it worth the wait for this hourlong journey to another planet.

Sturgill Simpson, “Cuttin’ Grass Vol. 1: The Butcher Shoppe Sessions”

I haven’t spent much time with Sturgill Simpson outside of 2014′s “Metamodern Sounds in Country Music,” and I can’t say I’ve ever listened to another bluegrass album all the way through. But these new cuts of songs picked from Simpson’s catalog are wonderfully enticing. Simpson puts the talents of his backing band front and center, and their harmonies and rhythms illuminate his vivd songwriting in new ways. It was a great introduction to the genre for me.

Fiona Apple, “Fetch The Bolt Cutters”

I got here after the hype, after the perfect 10, after all the year-end number-ones. Fiona Apple lives up to all of it. Her compositions are complex and evocative, the lyrics tender and biting at once. Her artistry is unsparing. The chorus to the title track is already getting stuck in my head, and I can’t wait to spend more time with this one.

Bea Troxel, “The Way That It Feels” (2017)

Almost a decade has passed since I first saw Bea Troxel play. She was in an incredibly talented trio with two of my high school classmates: Maeve Thorne (who has an entrancing solo EP of her own), and Rita Pfeiffer (the violinist on this record). They ended up winning my school’s battle of the bands, and I got to interview them for the student newspaper. Shortly after our senior year, they recorded an album that still outshines most of today’s indie folk. So I jumped at the chance to all three of them again in Brooklyn. 

Troxel’s performance in particular was a revelation. I won’t ever forget how I fell into a trance as she picked away at “Talc,” which exemplifies her gift for natural metaphor. I haven’t stopped playing her record since, and it’s been a constant comfort throughout this year. Her voice is one of a kind, her songwriting is rich, and the compositions flow together beautifully. I can’t wait for more; in the meantime, “The Way That It Feels” will be on repeat.

Travis Scott, “Birds In The Trap Sing McKnight” (2016)

There’s been much ado about the brilliance of “Astroworld,” Travis Scott’s magnum opus, but I have a soft spot for his sophomore LP, where he reached the peak of the spare and heavy sound that started to take shape on “Owl Pharaoh.” There are plenty of sonic layers here, and the ordering of the tracks is a craft in itself — a series of peaks and valleys that glides from the haze of “beibs in the trap” to the climax of “goosebumps” and then into the cool waters of “pick up the phone.” It feels like Scott is guiding you to and from these destinations. The journey is, as The Weeknd might put it, “wonderful.”

Harmonium, “Harmonium” (1974)

One of my pandemic binges was “Letterkenny,” the sharp Ontario-set sitcom with top-notch banter and a great soundtrack full of indie hits and Canadian deep cuts. The fight scenes are elegantly choreographed, but so are the handful of sequences at the end of key episodes that reveal the show’s emotional bedrock. One such scene is set to Harmonium’s “Un musicien parmi tant d'autres” — the main characters are reveling in a bar with their Québécois pals, whom they’ve just helped beat up a rival group. As the song builds to its climactic chorus, leading man Wayne, surrounded by couples, realizes his longing for companionship. Another fight breaks out, but instead of joining in, Wayne makes his way through the slow-motion fray toward the woman he’ll propose to in the next season. (Their relationship later falls apart, but that doesn’t undercut this scene’s beauty.)

This is probably the first foreign-language album I’ve listened to in full, but all of it evokes that feeling for me — the joy of walking through the chaos to reach what’s really important. Not a bad sentiment for these times.

Bon Iver, “22, A Million”

To talk about this weird, dark and brilliant album, I need to talk about “715 - CR∑∑KS.” Everyone I’ve talked to about the third track on “22, A Million” either loves it or can’t stand it. I’m devoted to it to the extent that it was my most-played song on Spotify this year. It oscillates between tenderness and fear, between silence and explosions of sound. The lyrics are an epitome of Justin Vernon’s cryptic poetry. It’s isolated and spare and enthralling and beautiful in its own bizarre way — just like the rest of the album, which is rich with themes of persevering through the darkness in spite of the uncertainty about when the light will appear. Vernon is alone on “CR∑∑KS,” but he’s accompanied by a cacophony of his own voice. As alone as we might feel right now, there’s always someone else shouting through the darkness with us, even if we can’t see them.

[evans-heaven]

Oh look more notes on Defending Jacob (ep. 5 this time also still not spoiler free)

As per usual I'm not a pro this is all in good fun I'm biased blah blah blah hope y'all enjoy 💕🤣

The moment I heard the song the episode opening with I was like "really? 🤨" why is this dark ass show opening with a bunch of singing munchkins lmao BUT it all made sense once I saw it was graduation. Of course upon learning this fact i was then sad, cause it meant Jacob was missing it. Poor kid is missing out on a pretty big milestone and who knows how many others in the future because of the murder, and that's sad (keep in mind this was before he called Sarah a sl*t so he still had a lil bit of my favor/sympathy but now fuck him) 😭😔

Kinda side eyeing Joan now cause she spat on Laurie (more on that later) but damn if she didn't make me tear up with how much she was struggling to give her speech. Idk what it's like to lose a kid, especially your only kid, but I couldn't imagine having the strength to even get up, let alone face his entire class that I know he should be with. Mad props to her 💕

I'm gonna honest, just as Andy was looking at Billy before he sat and they started talking, my immediate thought was "ugh he looks like such a doll 😭" Andy is v distracting don't blame me ANYWAY.

The grey/blue tones of this scene set the mood perfectly, paired by the expressions and amazing acting. Here we have a father and son that haven't spoken in decades. There's gonna be tension, there's gonna be a bite in their tones, especially given the circumstances. No smiles, unless you count Billy's halfway smirk and Andy's sarcastic laughing. I adore how it was portrayed because I imagine it was pretty realistic.

No hate BUT I still feel like Laurie could have told Andy about her encounter with the reporter. Even if theres nothing that could have been done, it would have still been a good idea to brace him for the article's release. He shouldn't have had to find out about it via Joanna shoving the magazine towards him. I ain't saying her lie was as bad as his but...it still happened. And meeting a reporter, even if she was ambushed, is a big deal. Who knows what was said and done and what could be twisted?

Can't a woman spontaneously buy 4th of July shit without getting spit on? I know Joan is grieving, I know her heart is broken and I know her mind is all over the place. But spitting on people isn't gonna fix that. Even if it makes them feel bad.

Backtracking here I actually thought she was gonna slap her but anyway

Duffy is so done w this man and shes a whole mood lmao. Andy's gonna get thrown in jail for stalking and harrassment if he keeps this shit up and his ass gets more and more risky. I can't for the life of me get how Derek's mom didn't blow his ass up for even talking to her kid. He looked uncomfortable af 😭 also puncturing her damn tire? In broad daylight? You wanna tell me no one saw him? Either way, bad Andrew.

I know I said the quote "our memories are often unreliable" could tie into Laurie's memory about Jacob at the bowling alley. Even so, I have a hard time seeing how it could be viewed differently. Unless her memory is twisting itself and making her remember things worse than they are given the circumstances, what was the actual backstory? Laurie is going down a dark path though, so who knows what else her mind is gonna do to her.

So who's gonna help me keep Sarah away from these messy ass boys?? Poor girl already knows some shit (a little or a lot) about Ben's murder, I think that's enough drama for her to be involved in. She doesn't need Derek being a creepy stalker thinking hes superman or Jacob sl*tshaming her like the ungrateful little prick he is. On that note, Ben is also a little prick for the way he treated Sarah before he died. So I maintain, get her away from these messy ass boys. Also maybe I'm biased but I dont think shes the murderer and anyone who does can suck it. If I'm wrong I never said this but i know I'm right lol okay but seriously don't quote me if I'm not.

I spoke enough about the closet scene so scroll through my ask tag for all my thoughts lmao 🤣🥴

I spoke a little about the cutter p*rn here but real talk, Andy's response shouldn't have been to take Jacob fishing. Even if he deleted it from his search, he still found out and still investigated for himself. So why not confront him? Like I said, it may or may not be a big deal. 

I been through this before but...Andy Barber is a good fucking dad. To a fault, maybe, but he loves his kid so damn much and that's heart warming to see-in their more casual moments of course, not when hes making these dumbass moves lmao. I know damn near any parent would want to take their kid's place, and Andy said so. Even if he can't actually do that, hes still willing to put himself in danger if it means protecting his kid.

Andy's face when Laurie told him he has Billy's eyes said a lot. He doesn't wanna hear the similarities between him and that man. Not given their relationship (or lack thereof) or the way they last encounter went. Also, similarities between them could directly mean similarities between Billy and Jacob, which is exactly what they're trying to avoid. I made fun of the murder gene I know, but they could still be concerned with it.

Lil post on the final scene here cause I still feel the same lmao but also Matt you had a big fucking mouth when you were telling your mom to shut up weren't you? So why so quiet now?

Some more shorter notes:

Laurie's smile when she saw Sarah was so precious 😭

Andy Laurie absolutely did not feel the same but idk where those present day scenes are going lol

Also fuck Neal

OF ALL FUCKING SONGS TO HEAR IN THE GROCERY 🤣😩

Man you could put a grey filter over this damn show and it wouldn't make a difference lmao

I love the little pop of color Sarah's work shirt gives, definitely reflects her character and how bright she seems to be in Jacob's life (before he called her a sl*t) and in the show overall.

Laurie's look after Joanna told him good work said it all 🤣🥴

That "hey...hey. Listen to me" in that voice...just fuck me okay.

Andy's laugh after Jacob told him "tell your face" tho 😭🤣 also nice callback to the first ep. with that line!

Thats all for now, til episode six lovelies <3

[littlemisssquiggles]

Crystal Musings: Now that I’ve seen ‘I am My Mom’, the last episode of Season 4 of Steven Universe, there is only one MAJOR thought running through my mind....

The Gems may no longer have the newer model Ruby ship to take them to Home World. However...they’re forgetting that there is another Homeworld ship on Earth.

The old Homeworld ship. And with everything that happened in this final episode, y’know what this could mean for next season, right? 

Centipeedle might be coming back in S5!

///Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD///

 So we all know that Steven left with Topaz (the mute brute) and Aquamarine (the lil blue bitch that I surprisingly like) back to Homeworld. The Gems need to go after them however they don’t have a ship anymore because Navy stole back the Ruby ship. But there is a gem on Earth that we, as the fans know, who does have a ship still.

My hunch is that our beloved Centipeedle will make her grand return next season and with the help of her crew, the Crystal Gems will find some a way to get the old spacecraft back online (probably with Peridot and Pearl’s combined knowledge) and pilot it to Homeworld to rescue Steven and Lars.

I mean, this hunch would make more sense if Centipeedle had been healed entirely but...it’s a thought. I really would love to see Centipeedle return and be a part of the team. Something tells me that the next season of SU will take place on Homeworld. Maybe we’ll finally get to see what Homeworld looks like in the next season.

All in all, I’m really hoping that S5 means the return of Centipeedle. I know Steven didn’t get a chance to heal her in her mind through his ability to enter people’s minds and stuff. However what if...and this may be a stretch but...what if all the time Centipeedle spent after being reunited with her crew helped to heal her in some way. After all, I think it was Garnet who sent that corruption is that of the mind more than the body. When Centipeedle was first healed and was regaining her memories with Steven’s help, she was basically fine up until the point when she remembered her crew.

Maybe it was the thought that she had lost her crew----her family and friends---that caused Centi to start to change back into a corrupted gem monster. Steven had already helped her out by using his healing spit to repair her gem and that helped her to regain her body. Maybe...being reunited with her crew will be the final step towards Centi healing her mind and thus regaining her true form?

What if....possibly, now that Centi is with her crew, she’s healed and might return next season to surprise everyone as her true self?

Again, this is a VERY long shot. But...how else are the Gems going to get to Homeworld? As far as we know, the Centipeedle ship is what they have and they’ve shown the ship so much throughout the series that I doubt they’ll just not use it again. Plus and I cannot stress this enough, I REALLY want Centipeedle to come back and be a main character next season. I don’t care how the Crewniverse does it but I really want to see her join the cast.

She has to. She HAS A SHIP!

Man I am hyped for Season 5 now! Really hyped, anyways, I just wanted to share this quick thought after watching the S4 finale.

Also as a sidenote, since Lars got taken to Homeworld with Steven too, I hope at some point Lars gets tossed in Blue Diamond’s Human Zoo and has a taste of the whole ‘choosening’ ceremony. Why? Because I’m hoping that an experience like that would FINALLY get this boy to realise his true feelings for Sadie. Goddamit! My fellow LARSADIE shippers, we’re almost there, guys. We almost got an ‘I love you!’ in the Good Lars. But the fact that he heavily implied it....ahhh this ship man!

It would also be interesting if Lars, of all people, would be the one to teach the humans of the Zoo about the true meaning of love and what it would be like to truly fall in love with someone. They started something with Greg but, I think it would be great character development for Lars if he not only comes to terms with his feelings (and might actually be able to say the words ‘I love Sadie’ out loud in public for once) but he’s also able to provide proper advice on it. After all, while Greg was great, if anyone has gone through a true romantic journey in SU, it’s freaking Lars.

Also, how badass would it be to have a LARSADIE reunion on Homeworld? Think about it? Like I’m hoping that Sadie agrees to join the Gems on their Homeworld quest to go help save Lars. I really hope. It would be a wasted opportunity if they didn’t do that. I’m just saying.

Anyways, enough jibber jab. Those are my thoughts. Really can’t wait for S5!

~LittleMissSquiggles (2017)

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching The Return of Doctor Mysterio for the first time

Ayyyy long title.

-SERIES 10!!! SERIES 10 IS HERE!!!!!!!

-SDALDFHGALSDHFGAS,LDHFASLDFGASLDFHASLDJFGASLDHFALS

-LASGFLERN283WQUR’QSEI;RWQER;WIERXIUI;I::weif:weif:eifE;IQUGWIF

-*cough* okay... Let’s watch this

-(I just realized the episode I’m watching is flipped horizontally because of copyrights or something, so the screenshots are gonna be flipped too because I’m too lazy to edit them)

-Ah, this takes place in the U.S.

-WUT

-What’s swinging outside his window

-DOCTOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING

-Well this is a dangerous situation for him, I doubt that even Timelords can regenerate if they fell from the sixtieth floor, there would be no piece of body big enough to regenerate from

-Pardon me if I’m wrong on that though, I’m not the best at Doctor Who science

-His voice what happened to his voice

-WELL OF COURSE CLARK KENT IS SUPERMAN DOCTOR PLEASE KEEP UP WITH AT LEAST SOME OF THE MEDIA

-Well this is a weird start to an episode

-”Vomiting, hair loss and death, fat lot of use.”

-What is that those

-”How did you even get a glass of water in your pocket?”  “Skills.”

-I’m calling it, his pockets are bigger on the inside.

-All this fucking Christmas shit again

-Annnd I’m dead

-But seriously, I grew up in an un-religious household in Asia and Christmas was just this little holiday with trees and presents and--

-GEMSTONES THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT GEMSTONEs I should shut up

- --Anyway it was this little holiday with trees and presents and department store sales--

- -- HOLY SHIT DID HE EAT IT

-"What are you, 36?”  “Eight.”

- --AHEM anyway yeah, that little holiday, and--

-HE’S FLOATING??!?! WHO THIS? WHAT?

- -- UGHHH anyway, yeah. I grew up with that and then there’s this Western Christmas culture where it’s such a big thing and it’s, just, really, strange.  Initially that little rant was gonna be a bit longer and better articulated, but interesting things kept happening in the show.

-”YOU’RE A SUPERHEROOOOOOO”

-IS THAT NARDOLE

-Okay what is happening and what is wrong with these people

-BRAINS WTF

-Why do science fiction lights always turn on so loudly

-”Donated to the facility by our benefactors”  “DONATED”  yeah.  Looks like he murdered those benefactors after all.

-What’s the Doctor even eating

10/10 face

-What’s with the guy coughing blue milk

-WHAT

-For some reason I am inclined to pet this brain creature (pf which, by the way, I failed to upload a screenshot because everything else would be uploaded except that image, even with the quality lowered), but because there are many hideous monsters in Doctor Who that are not to be judged by their appearance, I’ll keep a neutral opinion on this guy until further progress in the plot is made to prove either its hostility or its friendliness.

-Yep, I’m not petting you, brain dude. You’re not friendly. You get no pet.

-”I had a change of mind”  WAS THE JOKE REALLY NECESSARY

-And were those surgeons just standing there doing nothing 24/7 until someone came in

-WELL THIS IS TERRIFYING ALRIGHT

-Who’s the writer again... *takes a look* Yep, Steven Moffat.

-”No one will believe that, this is America.”

-”Special Agent Dam Dangerous Schgsfilurfylas”  My English hearing’s not the best, okay

-Dude’s hand is shaking, that yells terrible aim

-”o on, tell them you shot us in the back for self-defense.”

-Heyoooo, it’s the boy with the glasses, except he’s not wearing glasses anymore and I’m NOT talking about Harry Potter.

-God damn I wish someone would turn down that guy’s accent, it’s like he has a swollen tongue and is trying to decide whether to spit out or chew a hot piece of bacon

-Where did Nardole even come from

-Heyooo

-WHY DID THAT KID GROW UP TO SOUND LIKE EVERY PARODY OF BATMAN’S VOICE EVER

-Flashback?

-So is he gonna sh-t out the gemstone or

-nevermind what I just said

-HE GREW UP WITH A THESAURUS AS WELL APPARENTLY

Pffft

-what’s with the wind noises

The Doctor with a baby is the best thing ever, it doesn’t even matter which reincarnation he’s in

-BUT WHAT’S WITH THE WIND NOISES

-Nardole with that elephant lol

-Wait... Isn’t that the reporter girl?

-WHAT IS WITH THE FRICKING WIND

-ACTUALLY I JUST REALIZED THAT THIS WIND SOUND SPANS ACROSS THE ENTIRETY OF THE EPISODE, IT’S NOT THE EPISODE ITSELF IT’S THE GUY WHO UPLOADED IT

-OR SOMETHING

-GOD I WAS FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS STUPID THING

-IT HURTS MY EARS

-I’M WEARING HEADPHONES AND THIS WIND NOISE IS TORTURE

-X-ray vision would actually be great because everyone would be spooky scary skeles

A HA HA HA HA HA

-Did the Doctor just drink alcohol from that bottle

-Yep, he’s getting wasted

-*unholy squealawking* ”This is Mr Huffle. Mr Huffle feels pain. Meet me in the kitchen.”  what the fuck was that

-I DON’T LIKE THIS WOMAN NOR THAT LITTLE RUBBER DOLL

-I DON’T LIKE YOU AT ALL

-I HOPE YOUR LITTLE MR HUFFLE DRAGS YOU DOWN INTO HIS SPECIAL HELL WITH YOU

-You can just see how those soulless eyes of his are begging for the sweet release of death

Wake me up (wake me up inside) Can’t wake up (wake me up inside) save me

-He is screaming, free me, free me, free me from this pain

-look here lady you are clearly very clever and all but you better close your bedroom doors securely at night and make sure that lil guy is outside or you might never wake up one day

-Change of subject: I thought this guy would be the one called Dr Mysterio but instead it turns out he’s called the Ghost. Not this Ghost either.

(Image from Star Wars Rebels)

-The deathly stare of Mr Huffle is refusing to leave my mind, help, what do I do, I have been cursed

RUN DOCTOR RUN, HE BLAMES YOU AS WELL AS HER

DOCTOR: THE HORROR GAME Do not let him look into your eyes!

-IT’S THOSE OPEN BRAIN MEN FROM HUSBANDS OF RIVER SONG, THEY’RE BACK AT IT WTF

-”Good to keep an open mind, ha!”

“I am totally against bantering.”-

-Ah, back when his floof was still flat, calm and level one.

-Woohoo speech

-WAIT WHAT THE TARDIS SHOWS UP AT WHISTLES TOO

-Oh, so that’s why that guy’s wearing jewels in the trailer, I tought he was always like that.

-And apparently the Doctor got him out of the robot king to keep him as a companion.

-”I’m not avoiding anything, I’m just trying to save a planet.”  “Which is what you always do when the conversation turns serious.”

-”Hello Doctor nice suit”  “Hi”  “Good morning”  “Whatever”  “So uh.. what happened to Clara”  “WHOOPS GOTTA GO SAVE A PLANET BYE”

-Bet that guy wanted to rip his shirt open to reveal the supersuit inside for years

-Why are they suddenly in Japan

-”I flooded downstairs with Pokemon.”  1. I laughed at that bit in the trailer, but it’s somehow even funnier considering they’re in Japan.  2. BBC doesn’t even care about copyrights anymore. In fact, they haven’t careed for quite a while.  3. favorite scene in the episode so far.

-FUCKING TEA

-WELL IF THIS ISN’T BRITAIN

-Oh yeah, brilliant plan, have the creepy stare-y surgeons march along down the street in a line, no one will ever notice

-An ambulance? Okay, less stupid plan

-Random question: Why are those guys’ heads split diagonally and not vertically or horizontally? It gets on my nerves. Besides, what if one of them is left handed?

-That mask reveal took a turn, and uh  but uh  “Grant, the man I took for granted���  SHE’S MAKING PUNS EVEN WHILE GRIEVING

-That’s awkward

-”What do the rich old men always do when the fighting starts? They’ll find the safest place to hide themselves away and send all the young people to die.”  I feel bad that this is too true to be taken lightly.

-”Oh, there’s the smile, I don’t like the smile!”

-”You’re completely out of your mind!”  “How is that news to anyone?”  I love the dialogue in this episode

-WOOHOO

-”He’s actually left handed”  So I was right, crackheads can’t be left handed?

-GRANT, THE BOMB

-Welp

giving up on life like

The Doctor’s having none of your shit

sarcasm.jpg

-WHOA BITCH THAT HEAD IS BLANK

-”Put in a call to Osgood.” Nice reference.

-WHOOPS THAT SOLDIER

-”I’ve been away for a while but I’m back”  Also nice reference to the previous episode (that I CRIED ABOUT)

-DAMMIT STOP TORMENTING MR HUFFLE IF YOU WISH TO AVOID A PAINFUL DEATH

-OH GOD NO

SHE’S PASSING THE CURSE TO THE DOCTOR

-HE MUST BE SAVED

-REBLOG TO PASS THE CURSE TO SOMEONE ELSE OR WHATEVER

-#SAVETHEDOCTOR2017

-OH DEAR GOD THE CURSE IS WITH HIM, NONONONONO DOCTOR DON’T TAKE IT WITH YOU SHE’S TRYING TO DEFLECT ITS RAGE TOWARDS YOU

The... shirt... That’s a first.

-Oh jeebuz crisxenz now Mr Huffle is in the Tardis and he will bring bad luck to us all and he will be the reason we will be crying in any future episode ever and he will cause Twelve’s regeneration mark my words

-Dear Lord protect us

-Oh wait Moffat’s not gonna protect us is he

-We’re screwed

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 11th November 2018

Okay, I am so sorry this is so late, but honestly I don’t think the Sunday routine works all that well with me personally, so I just moved to my alternate date for maybe the next two weeks. I’m thinking of going for Saturday or Friday with alternate dates on Thursday for next year? We’ll see.

Top 10

And, of course... “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande debuts at number-one. I believe this is the fourth #1 debut this year, two of which were Drake, of course, and the other was “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo. We’ll talk more about it later, but for now, this is Grande’s sixteenth top 40 hit in the UK, her ninth top 10 and her third #1. Congratulations, Ari.

“Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, last week’s #1, is of course down a spot to number-two.

As is “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj at number-three, kept in the top five by its X Factor performance.

Oh, and so is “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith, now at number-four.

“Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora, on the other hand, is one space above its placement last week, at number-five.

Out of the top five now, we have “Funky Friday” by Dave and Fredo in freefall now, down two spots to number-six.

Up a whopping 11 spaces this week is “Thursday” by Jess Glynne, as I expected, due to an Ed Sheeran acoustic remix and now a video that may just push this one up to the top spot. As of now, it’s her eleventh top 10 and matches the peak of previous single, “All I Am”.

The ever-so-fascinating song “ZEZE” by Kodak Black, Travis Scott and Offset of the Migos is down a spot to number-eight... full-length review of that coming soon, by the way.

“Without Me” by Halsey is up 13 spots to number-nine due to the Colin Tilley-directed video, and becomes what I believe to be only her third top 10 (two of which are number-ones, funnily enough).

Finally, Post Malone and Swae Lee’s “Sunflower” returns to the top 10 after a one-spot increase, rounding off the top 10 (which is actually pretty good this week) with a fantastic song.

Climbers

Outside of the top 10, there’s pretty much nothing here I should bother with. Yeah, those are the only notable jumps this week, other than “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson bouncing up six spots to #22, I guess, but it’s not like that song’s any interesting.

Fallers

Now this is a very different story. There were so many fallers this week, although not many of them really have any value. I mean, sure, there were basically hundreds of one, two or three-space fallers, but who cares about them? Let’s focus on the fortunate five-space fall for “Arms Around You” by XXXTENTACION, Lil Pump, Swae Lee, Maluma and with honourable credit to Rio Santana, now sent back to #19. Same fall goes for “Better” by Khalid too (although that song is much better, for the record), now at #24, right next to the big story here – “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille plummeting 18 spaces to #23, because I’m pretty sure it’s time for its streaming cuts, which affected Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino’s “In My Mind” to a much heavier extent, because, Jesus Christ. It’s down freaking 32 positions to #40. This could have easily dropped off straight from number-eight and that’s pretty crazy. Now, rapid-fire: “Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is down five to #26 while “MIA” by Bad Bunny and Drake and “Shotgun” by George Ezra are down four to #29 and #30, “Ay Caramba” by Stay Flee Get Lizzy with Fredo and Young T & Bugsey is down six to #38, and, to my dismay, “when the party’s over” by Billie Eilish also falls down five spaces to #39.

Dropouts

Right before the new arrivals, might as well mention the dropouts here. “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B is out from #31 (the beast has yet to be slain in the US, it seems), “Baby Shark” by Pinkfong has dropped out again from #35, “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando has exited from #37 after having a pretty good run, “Venom” by Eminem has been bit down to the bottom of the charts as it drops out from #38, “Kiss and Make Up” by Dua Lipa featuring BLACKPINK has fallen out from #39, and finally “I Want You to Freak” by Rak-Su is out from #40.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “A Million Dreams” (Reimagined) – P!nk

Apparently there’s been a “Reimagined” edition of the soundtrack for the musical The Greatest Showman (that has just had his songs finally leave the top 40 after months of “This is Me” dominating), adding covers of the musical’s songs by Kelly Clarkson and Panic! at the Disco. This is the second time I’ve had to cover this song on this show, since the original version also charted, and my opinions haven’t really changed. This is P!nk’s thirty-second UK Top 40 hit, and easily one of her least memorable. Everything feels quite plastic in the production here other than that pretty nice guitar melody but it’s nothing new and nothing all that interesting, with the strings adding some extra melodrama to a pretty-sounding but otherwise kind of useless, typical piano ballad. P!nk has some real power to her voice like she always has, and that pounding percussion is pretty effective in giving it that extra “oomph” but I’m not feeling it here. This shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you if you’ve seen other episodes; I just don’t like ballads as much as I really wish I could, I guess. Oh, and this is way too long. After less than two minutes, I get bored – and this is more than double that.

#35 – “I Found You” – benny blanco and Calvin Harris

benny blanco seems to be striving for a solo lead artist career, and his first venture after the massive success of “Eastside” is to pander to the UK crowd he’s been doing so well with, by collaborating with one of our favourite Scottish DJs, Calvin Harris, and disregarding that oddly eerie cover art, this is benny blanco’s second UK Top 40 hit as a credited artist and Calvin Harris’ thirty-third, and it’s pretty awesome. It starts with that guitar or organ riff repeating with Calvin Harris actually performing vocals (yeah, he can’t sing but it works here) in a deeper register, creating an odd atmosphere before it’s immediately retconned for some brighter synths and disco-inflected deep house grooves, because that’s the road Calvin’s been going down lately, but it still keeps me on-edge with those haunting background vocals in the hook, and that pitched-down vocal fragment that repeats is such a taunting melody. Man, and that riff returning in the bridge with only the backing vocals is pretty creepy as well. Yeah, absolutely nothing works the way it should here, and that is just perfect – nothing goes as plan and it still bangs. Nice one, guys. I recommend this... for all the wrong reasons.

#33 – “Baby” – Clean Bandit featuring Marina and Luis Fonsi

What a strange combination. Reggaeton singer and accidental meme-pioneer Luis Fonsi performing on a duet with synthpop critic’s favourite Marina Diamandis, this being her first single without “the Diamonds” (who didn’t exactly exist in the first place, it’s always been a solo venture) over a beat from orchestral-EDM fusion outfit Clean Bandit? I mean, I’m up for it, but this wasn’t expected to say the least... although looking into it Marina’s collaborated with the group before so maybe it’s not too out of left field. Anyways, this is Clean Bandit’s eleventh, Marina’s sixth and Luis Fonsi’s second (after “Despacito”) UK Top 40 hit, and it’s okay. This instrumental feels pretty cluttered with a 808 bassline on coke desperately following the slick guitar strumming, but they can definitely keep up with Marina’s beautiful voice on the track, as well as Luis’ pretty good (albeit shorter) performance, with the hats in the drop being a nice addition, but then there’s another drop for some reason, and it’s completely different, adding horns and just becoming more Latin-inflected because the rest of the song isn’t at all, really, just relying on the guitars and Fonsi to handle that crossover appeal. When Marina and Fonsi start singing completely different melodies on top of each other while the drop is still playing, I feel like way too much is going on, and it’s not mixed in an interesting or well enough way for me to forgive. This isn’t for me, but I can see other people liking it, it’s just a bit too messy for me.

#27 – “Empty Space” – James Arthur

I don’t like this guy at all. His voice is unrecognisably familiar at best and aggravatingly incomprehensible at worse. I have never heard a single song I can stand from the guy, especially after his “comeback”, in fact I’d argue he’s just gotten so much worse with songs like “Naked”, “Sun Comes Up” and especially “Say You Won’t Let Go” – oh, God, that one’s unlistenable. Anyways, this is the X Factor series nine winner’s ninth UK Top 40 hit, and it’s probably not his worst one, but it might as well be because it is still pretty terrible. James Arthur sounds bored like always over the pseudo-aggressive indie-ish production that starts the song off until we have a bit of trap percussion he rides well, right until it abruptly switches to him belting with bottle caps up his nose for unlistenable pre-choruses, especially since nothing drowns him out. It’s just him, his guitar and those only – and even when the strings and percussion comes in, it just gets worse because the drums aren’t fitting – this isn’t a motivational track. That chorus with Arthur nasally repeating “space” with tiny little chipmunk vocals placed in there at somehow exactly the worst moments. Oh, and that final drop with all the four vocal tracks going on at once, none of them even half-decent, is audio torture, especially with all the synth noise that absorbs the trash and just regurgitates it with all the spit still lingering all over it. What an excruciating three and a half minutes.

#16 – “Polaroid” – Jonas Blue featuring Liam Payne and Lennon Stella

Jonas Blue’s been here before – he’s a mainstream EDM producer who’s made songs I love like “Mama” and songs I hate with a burning passion like “Rise” with Jack & Jack, Liam Payne we haven’t really talked about but he’s one of the One Direction boys that you all know and love. Lennon Stella is a bit of a different story. She’s a 19-year-old actress who shaped her career out of the TV show Nashville – I’ve never seen it and can’t comment, but it involved a lot of singing and country music from what I can gather, so it’s understandable that it should be in her best interests to start a pop music career, and she did so with a couple singles here and there, but this is her first ever UK Top 40 hit (congratulations), Jonas Blue’s seventh and Liam Payne’s sixth as a solo artist. It’s here because of an X Factor performance, and it also sucks mostly because it’s nothing to write home about, ironically for a song named after memorable photographs. It starts with those fake finger-snaps, as background laughter and chatter fills up the mix, before an abrupt semi-drop that just kind of clouds the song with synth noise as Liam Payne uses what seems to be his lower register (proving that he just pretty much can’t sing, can he?). Oh, and the actual drop is not catchy at all, like it’s so forgettable. Lennon Stella doesn’t perform very well at all either, but yeah, the chorus isn’t a new or memorable melody, and while I like that it’s an EDM song that focuses less on the drop as its source of climax, it makes the song miss the point – and doing so, it also misses the mark.

#1 – “thank u, next” – Ariana Grande

And finally, it’s the big one – Ariana Grande’s new single where she rattles off her ex-boyfriends and thanks them for what they’ve helped her learn and how they’ve assisted in her growth as a person – in one, very non-descriptive verse, but it’s there nonetheless – and comes to terms with herself as a human, realising she does not need what she perceived as a necessity – to always have a partner. Basically it’s a self-confidence anthem that only Ariana can really relate to specifically. If you twist it around a bit it would apply to you but without any of the names changing, that’s just how it is... and it’s all over a smooth R&B beat. Ari sounds great like always, I don’t even need to comment on that, but when that warbly bass slides in after just a few seconds of just the keys and vocals, that’s just beautiful. The beat throughout is wrapped in silk and just dripping swagger, fitting Ari’s low-key verse delivery and even limiting herself in the chorus where she’s supposed to burst like usual – but nah, she doesn’t all that much. It’s there, but relegated to ad-libs and nothing else, which is good because that catchy-as-all-hell hook could not be delivered better. If I have any issues, it’s that the ending is a rushed, abrupt fade-out which adds so many additional musical elements that could have easily been developed afterwards, and that the lyrics may be a tad too passive so the whole thing comes off as disregarding even keeping to herself and instead still being boy-hungry, especially in the chorus, where the whole “thank you, next” phrase just doesn’t really make sense to me in the context of the song, especially since she implies she’ll be moving onto the next relationship. She does elaborate in the second verse, but it still irks me like all my little nitpicks do. Otherwise, great song.

Conclusion

It’s a middling weak overall, with obvious stand-outs at each end of the spectrum. James Arthur gets Worst of the Week for “Empty Space” as Dishonourable Mention goes to Jonas Blue, Liam Payne and Lennon Stella for “Polaroid”. Best of the Week is obviously going to going to Ariana Grande for “thank u, next”, but she had close competition with the Honourable Mention this week, benny blanco and Calvin Harris, for the wonderfully incompetent “I Found You”. See ya in a few days!

at1 \lsdpr

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 19th August 2018

This is probably just gonna be a bit of a slap-dash episode since I just finished my list of the best and worst hit songs of 1994 and I’m kinda drained, but we’ll still have to get this out so here it is. REVIEWING THE CHARTS for the week of 19th August, 2018.

Top 10

First of all, we have a new #1... but it’s not exactly new at all, since it has been #1 for a few weeks before, it’s just returned to the top spot after it usurped Drake. I’m not mad at all that this is our new #1 – I may not be fond of it, but it’s better than Drake. George Ezra’s “Shotgun” is up one spot to #1.

Speak of the devil; here’s Drake with “In My Feelings” featuring City Girls, down a space to number-two. I hope it stays there, or better yet, decreases even more, although it still has the stronghold over “Shotgun” in streaming.

Not moving from last week at number-three is “No Brainer” by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper and Quavo.

Surprisingly, “Eastside” by benny blanco, Khalid and Halsey has zoomed past competition as it’s increased eight spaces to number-four.

“Rise” by Jonas Blue featuring Jack & Jack has since gone down a single space since the success of “Eastside”, leading it down to number-five.

At number-six, we have a two-space increase for Loud Luxury and brando’s “Body”, which I’m glad is increasing as much as it is, even if it’s just for the fact that they’re both relatively unknown artists.

Oh, yeah, at number-seven, we have “Youngblood” by 5 Seconds of Summer down two spaces.

Unfortunately,”Jackie Chan” by Tiesto and Dzeko featuring Preme and Post Malone has jumped two spaces down to number-eight.

Meanwhile at number-nine, the identical hit has effected “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B, which is ALSO down two spaces.

Thankfully, NOT down two spaces, is “Taste” by Tyga featuring Offset. Not sure how I feel about a pedophile featuring a homophobe having a song (that I personally like) in the top 10 of both the US and UK, but that’s a whole thinkpiece I won’t be writing.

Climbers

Unsurprisingly, there are a few big gains but otherwise nothing of note here. In terms of smaller six-space gains, we (sadly) have “Nevermind” by Dennis Lloyd up to #19 and “Ocean” by Martin Garrix and Khalid up to #25, but we also have an inexplicably massive gain for “079ME” by B Young, up 11 spots to #28. Please don’t let this become a top 20 hit, just for the sake of preventing humanity and society crumbling under your hands. Oh, yeah, and pathetic human being Nicki Minaj had her album Queen release, so naturally “Bed” featuring Ariana Grande (who will also have some gains due to HER album next week) increased up 15 spaces to #23.

Fallers

Naturally, we have two losses for Travis Scott after ASTROWORLD had three tracks debut on the chart last week. “SICKO MODE” featuring Drake and Swae Lee is down six spaces to #15, while “STARGAZING” is, tragically, down 12 to #27. However, there’s only one other loss, and it is just an absolute collapse for “I Like It” by Cardi B featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin, down 17 spaces to #31. It’ll undoubtedly be out next week, unless people revenge-stream Cardi because of the nonsense Nicki’s been spouting for the past two weeks, I don’t know. That probably won’t happen but it’d be kind of funny to see Nicki not get the #1 album after how desperate she was, and then have her “rival” succeed, though pitting female rappers against each other is borderline sexist and does not help normalise females in a more-often-than-not male-dominated genre, which is something Nicki could actually learn from... Huh. Anyway, this isn’t a Nicki Minaj roast, she has a new entry so I think I’ll rant about her there.

Dropouts

Well, we have a few utterly demolished tracks that dropped out this week, like “Butterflies” by AJ Tracey and Not3s now out from #22, “Oh My” by Dappy featuring Ay Em struggling as it’s been kicked out from #27, and “CAROUSEL” by Travis Scott featuring Frank Ocean being pushed out from #29, but that’s it, and there’s no Returning Entries either, so welcome back to:

The Ed Sheeran Update!

“Perfect” is down only a single space to #61, and “Shape of You” is up a single space to #76, somehow. Can these just go away, please?

Now to the part all three of you were waiting for...

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “When I Kissed the Teacher” – Lily James, Jessica Keenan Wynn, Alexa Davies and Celia Imrie

You probably shouldn’t be doing that.

Anyways, this is an ABBA cover, straight out of the hit musical Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, which I actually checked out because, my, my, how could I resist it? Well, it’s okay, not particularly my thing, but definitely watchable, however I am surprised that it took this long for a song to get into the top 40. Let me preface this by saying I strongly dislike the ABBA version, mostly because of the... interesting vocals and how everything feels so manufactured and pretty sickeningly sweet, which is incredibly unfitting for the subject matter. I don’t like the song at all, but I’d recommend “Scandalous Scholastics” by Gym Class Heroes for a better take on a student-teacher affair. It’s a pretty awful track but at least it’s a bit groovier and has some darker swagger, as well as an eerie yet catchy chorus, which is actually pretty creepy in some way, especially that it’s implied that 1.) they had sex, 2.) Travie McCoy, the singer, is still in school. He gets into some detail and the charismatic “so sexy!” ad-lib I know Travie for... yeah, well, this is the only time it should not be there, in fact, do NOT check out that song, what am I talking about? It’s horrible.

This cover, though, is somehow even worse. I don’t know who’s singing at what points because, honestly, who cares? Nevertheless, the instrumentation is cookie-cutter yet still over-processed so that it drowns out the singers, who try to belt and struggle, with some not-at-all subtle multi-tracking from seemingly better singers that isn’t helpful at all. I do like that they have more charisma for the most part, making the admittedly funny geometry line sound so much better, and I do appreciate the fact that there are female singers talking about a female teacher – now, that’s cool – although it doesn’t really make much sense in the context of the film, at all, because I’m pretty sure they all have male love interests. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m not sure if your teacher is the best to experiment with, Lily.

#37 – “Don’t Leave Me Alone” – David Guetta featuring Anne-Marie

David Guetta, okay, you’re cool, you’re fine, I like you. Anne-Marie, nope, go away, please. I liked her in “FRIENDS”, initially, but, man, she can definitely become pretty insufferable. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good singer, but the attitude and forced faux-Jamaican inflections rub me the wrong way. You know what else rubs me the wrong way? How the beginning of the song sounds like stock Windows-activating sound effects. It sounds like it’s a buffering loading screen for God’s sake. Regardless, Anne-Marie sounds okay and I do like the subtle touch of the guitars and especially the piano chords under Anne-Marie and I believe Ed Sheeran harmonising in the pre-chorus, right before a pretty cool Vocaloid drop. I have really grown to love these things, as you can probably tell from my “Solo” review, and this was am especially great one, because the autotune is turned up to insane levels and the vocals sound like they’re stretched and manipulated over the hard-hitting but pleasant synth tones. The combination of the drop and some of the vocal chops with the pre-chorus melody is just fantastic. I can look past the flat production in the verses if that chorus is as incredible as it is. Damn, that surprised me. David Guetta, you win again, and I’m excited for your upcoming album.

#36 – “Barbie Dreams” – Nicki Minaj

Okay, let’s get this over with. This track caused a lot of buzz because it’s basically a tribute to a Notorious B.I.G. song full of light-hearted disses torwards people who she is friends with, and you know, I like a bit of pointless rap beef and some disses can be pretty fire even if they are completely uncalled for. I mean, I prefer hard-hitting, absolutely awful personal disses like when Pusha T slaughtered Drake and held his decapitated head over a building in “The Story of Adidon”, but I like a bit of light-hearted no-harassment-intended jabs so, let’s see what she’s got.

Well, first of all, I love the slick beat and her flow is pretty nice too. Too bad it’s all taken from “Just Playing (Dreams)” by Biggie. This is a remix then? Okay, well, you didn’t preface it as such, but that’s fine, using someone else’s beat isn’t bad as long as you spit some nice bars over it. So, what’s the “Queen of Rap” got for us? Well, she starts with some complements... yep, she just says she wants a man to settle down and have some kids, and either them or the man will look like Lil Wayne or Dave East, but they’re already fathers, so I’m assuming she wants a man who is as good of a dad as Wayne and Dave are to their kids. That’s a very nice thing to say.

Man, I ain’t got no type like Jxmmi and Swae Lee

Okay, but the song you’re referencing by Rae Sremmurd, “No Type”, makes it pretty clear that they’re joking when they say they don’t have a type, given by how they immediately contradict that statement?

I ain’t got no type / Bad b****es is the only thing that I like – Swae Lee, “No Type”

Oh, they’ve actually tried to argue that “bad b****es” are NOT a type? Okay, well, then, secondly: That’s not a diss, that’s just mentioning them in passing.

Then she gets into some admittedly funny (and probably true) disses to 50 Cent, making some nice wordplay with other members of G-Unit like Tony Yayo and Lloyd Banks. That’s all fine and dandy. Then she mentions Karreuche Tran... Tran... Tran...

Used to f*** with Young Thug, I ain’t addressin’ this s**t / C-caught him in my dressing room, stealing dresses and s**t

Okay, well, that’s insensitive and incredibly uncalled for. If the dude wants to reject typical gender norms, more power to him, but Thugger, you probably shouldn’t be stealing her dresses, man, and I’m pretty sure this is related to that, and is no way meant to be offensive or transphobic.

They switchin’ like sissies now – Nicki Minaj, “Majesty”

On the same album? Uh, I mean, well, okay, but maybe that’s also misinterpreted...

First they love you, then they switch / Yeah,they switch like f****ts

Yeah, okay, 1.) I’m not uncensoring that word, you know what it is, and 2.) Yikes, Nicki! I know that was back in 2009 but these recent lines prove you haven’t changed, in fact, all of these recent antics prove you haven’t changed, at all! You collaborate with a pedophile, then you try and play the feminist angle – after collaborating with an absolute scumbag who respects women as much as a tampon made out of bricks – to explain why your album didn’t get to #1, although it still sold pretty well, even though you don’t label yourself as a feminist as you’ve stated before. In fact, this whole track is just to stir up controversy and attention, isn’t it? You wanted that #1 album so desperately that you added a song that’s not even by you to your album, then you put out a lot of trash merch, some of which was promoting 6ix9ine, all of which came with a copy of your album, made JAY-Z give you a discount code on TIDAL that literally gave the album away for free, however, due to a faulty system, made all albums on TIDAL free to download, probably causing serious financial issues in the future for Jay, leading to him having to release the rest of Prince’s discography onto Spotify (not necessarily a bad thing), and reported fake news when you were projected to sell 190,000, only to be proved to sell less when the final numbers were released, all for a #1 album, which you only wanted out of spite for Cardi being more successful than you, because, I don’t know, she’s not an absolutely trash human being who doesn’t know how to promote a damn album? I guess you could say the TIDAL issue wasn’t her fault, but, yes, it was, as if it wasn’t for her own desperate need for a #1, the code wouldn’t exist at all. At least that’s only one line, right? She doesn’t cross the line otherwise.

Shout-out Desiigner ‘cause he made it out of special ed

You called a man struggling to hold onto his crippling career which is still under the hands of Pusha T’s mismanagement, being forced to constantly promote himself because his label definitely isn’t, who’s probably in debt right now, and just desperately trying to pick up the pieces to still live while doing what he wants to do – music, trapped under a label that doesn’t let him succeed, who released a better and more consistent EP this year than any project you’ve ever put out, retarded because of the energy he puts into his songs, which you, missy, are severely lacking in, despite the fact that your mentor and person you want your husband to be like, Lil Wayne, was in the same dire situation for nearly a decade, and you and Drake have been carrying him and helping him still strive in the industry while he’s being trampled on and confined by the tyrant of a label owner Birdman? Yeah, nope, not having it, you’ve lost all my respect, Nicki. I don’t usually focus on lyrics as much as I did here but when they’re this ignorant and disgusting, I think I’ll stream Cardi instead, you petty, little child.

Conclusion

“Don’t Leave Me Alone” easily gives David Guetta and Anne-Marie the title of Best of the Week, as Nicki Minaj takes Worst of the Week for “Barbie Dreams”. Hopefully I’ll have calmed down by next time. See ya!