#listen im in the middle of a depressive episode

[yourlocalmerchgirl]

The War Within - Part One

Briefly Joel x Neurodivergant Reader Then Tommy x Neurodivergant wife reader

Summary: You've only been with Joel for 6 months when the outbreak happens, flipping your entire life into a hell scape. Feeling backed into a corner and completely suffocated by life you decide to join the Fireflies with Tommy after a heartbreaking event to search for a better life and the two of you end up in Jackson

A twist of fate happens and you and Tommy Fall in love and get married when Joel and Ellie turn up in Jackson one day and you have to face him all these years later

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, Angst- Lots of it, Verbal fighting- lots of it , course language, emotional, some fluff and happiness, talks of anxiety, depression, Panic attacks, Neurodivergant reader. No use of y/n. Reader goes by the nickname Birdie. Use of typical pet name.

A/N: I hope you all love this new multi part journey I've been working on, I'm extremely proud of this story. I understand that this storyline/ themes aren't for everyone. Part Two will be out shortly.

More often then not you felt like you were outside of your body, floating above it.

Being a spectator to your own life, watching as your dissociative cocoon wrapped itself around you taking hold.

You found yourself in this position for days or weeks at a time. It was your body’s way of protecting itself after years of constantly being in fight or flight mode.

You looked on as you desperately tried to hold on to what little you had left, to your life with Joel. But it was like trying to hold on to a wet rope in the middle of a tsunami. Slowly losing your grip you began to drown, fighting desperately to stay above water. The more you tried to kick to the surface, the more tired you became and the more tired you became the less you fought to stay afloat.

Time dragged on, the air had a thickness to it you’d not yet felt. Everything sounded slow and muffled as you tried to make sense of why and how long you two had been fighting for.

“Are you even listening to me?” Joel pressed, getting more aggravated by the minute.

He got nothing as you blankly stared back him, eyes glazed over.

“Unbelievable…. I should be looking after Sarah, not looking after you”

Joel’s words snapped you back to reality. the fog that incased you not thick enough to protect you from the verbal blow as it struck you, deep and abrupt.

Your whole body burned, the tears started falling so quickly that you had no hope of stoping them even if you tried. The two of you often hastily said things to each other in the heat of the moment when you both reached the point of overstimulation. Things that neither of you meant. But this, this felt different. You knew the tone of Joel’s voice well, always able to understand his meaning by the tone of his voice. His tone was razor sharp, with an anger behind it that he had never used with you before.

“This is why we can’t talk things out like this, why nothing gets resolved. Because you cry every-time we have a argument”

“Are you fucking kidding me Joel?” You shout. Completely losing all ability to keep it in.

“Im sorry I care, that I’m emotional. Trust me I would much rather feel nothing 24/7 than to feel everything as if it’s a electrical currant passing through me, but I can’t. No matter how fucking hard I try I’m always going up be sensitive and emotional.”

“The state of the world doesn’t exactly lend its self to being emotional, one wrong move when your heads not focused could cost someone there life. You- you get stuck in these episodes and it’s like your not in your body anymore, I can’t keep keepin an eye on us both. You’re gonna get us killed one of these days.”

It hurts like hell, but it’s the truth and deep down you know it. But it doesn’t make you any less hurt and angry because it’s the truth either.

“I’m sorry Joel. I’m sorry that I should of died instead of Sarah, I’m sorry that no matter what I do I’ll never be enough for you.”

Your admission stuns Joel, your words cutting him like a straight blade razor. You’d never said anything like that about yourself, atleast not out loud you hadn’t.

“I can’t fucking talk to you when we’re like this. I’m going out” Joel exclaims while grabbing his coat.

“Wait, it’s almost curfew, where are you going?” You ask, everything but concern draining from your body.

“I don’t know? I’m just fucking going out, don’t wait up for me” Joel says as he slams the door

“I love you” you shout after him, but if falls on deaf ears.

You cried in silence, thinking about what had lead you to this point. You and Joel never had the chance to truly be happy. Your relationship was so new when the outbreak happened that it was doomed from the start. You two never had the chance to fully open up to each other

It wasn’t all his fault either, Joel was hardened by the cruel bitch that was the universe when it took the one thing he loved more than life itself. You also knew you weren’t easy to deal with, never getting the opportunity to talk to Joel about your anxiety and depression that stemmed from it. About how to spot if you were getting overstimulated and anxious and how to help talk you down from it. Or about how much you relied on a schedule and a routine to navigate life and how much progress you’d made with it all in therapy. Instead you were both thrust into a situation you didn’t have the tools to deal with and thus your relationship suffered at the hands of it.

The further past curfew it got the more you worried about Joel. It terrified you to think about the situations that would unfold if he was caught by Fedra. Dressing in all dark clothing you decided to go out searching for Joel.

Lurking in the shadows for hours you search for Joel, checking every inch of the qz and the seedy areas people hangout after curfew with no luck. The sun will start coming up soon, so you head back to the apartment hoping Joel managed to stumble back there unscathed.

You hear some commotion inside as you reach your apartment door. Slowly opening the door you feel like the wind got knocked out of you when you see Joel burred deep inside Tess, telling her how much he loved her. You stumble backwards as you try to catch your breath, refusing to believe you’re actually seeing this. But the scene before you never changes and your forced to realize this is unfolding in front of your eyes. Silently scrambling you grab your emergency go bag by the door and shut it behind you.

Your mind is racing as you slid down the wall and slump over. Gasping for breath you try desperately to comprehend what you saw, trying think quickly about what to do.

——————————————————————

Tommy springs awake at the sound of frantic knocking on the door. Creeping up slowly to the door, pistol in his hand.

“Who is it?”

“I-it’s me…it’s Birdie” your voice meek and distraught, tone barely above a whisper.

Tommy quickly unlocks the door to find you on the other side, eyes bloodshot and and desperate. Your body langue is defeated as Tommy notices your backpack.

“C-can I come in?” You ask, a hoarseness to your voice. Your eyes trained on the ground.

“Birdie, what’s wrong? Everything alright?” His face etched with concern as he looks you over.

“ Is- is there any way to join the fireflies quickly. To- to be able to leave the QZ with you guys tonight?”

“You get Joel to join the fireflies?”

“No n-not Joel, for me..just me” you shake your head. Your voice shakes as you speak. Your head hung low, eyes glued to your feet.

“Look at me Birdie” Tommy says gingerly, cupping your chin with his thumb and index finger, gently lifting your head to meet his gaze.

“Did he hurt you? He didn’t hit you did he?” He asked in a firm but calm tone while turning your face side to side to check for visible marks.

Tommy didn’t believe Joel was capable of laying a hand on you like that but he needed to make sure. His brother had become more angry and violet over the years. Drinking more and pushing home made drugs to some of the fedra guards and he was starting not to recognize the man Joel was becoming.

You shook your head.

“Hurt me yes, hit me no. We’ve been hurting each other for to long and I just can’t handle it anymore. I- I can’t live like this anymore and the two if you are the only people I trust.”

“Does he know your leavin’?”

“If they will let me go I’ll go in slip a note I wrote under the door. If not i don’t know what I’ll do”

“Let’s go talk to them. I’m not sure what’s goin’ on between the two of you but I’m not leavin you here like this, but I’m also not going to press you about what’s goin’ on if you don’t want to talk about it”

“ I’ll talk about it eventually Tommy I just can’t talk about it right now much less think about it, I’m just in to much pain”

————————————————————

It’s nearly dusk when Joel wakes up, rolling over to wrap his arm around you.

“I don’t want to fight like that anymore baby girl” Joel says as he nuzzles into your neck, but his eyes snap open the moment he realizes somethings off, that you scent is different. That’s when realizes the grave mistake he made when he sees it’s Tess in your bed and not you.

“What the fuck is going on” Joel shouts while pushing himself out of bed.

“What the fuck are you doing here? Where’s Birdie?”

“You didn’t seem to be complaining a couple hours ago that she wasn’t here”

It’s in this moment as Joel feels the color drain from his face that he’s made a detrimental mistake. That he hadn’t been with you at all last night, that it wasn’t you when he’d finally said I love you.

Joel immediately starts putting his boots on to go looking for you. His motions panicked and scrambled.

“You heard me, I said get the fuck out and don’t come back”

As Joel slams the door he hears paper crinkle under his boot, he steps back to see a folded piece of paper with his name on it just inside the door. He unfolds it yo find a note from you.

Dear Joel,

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for the pain and frustration I’ve caused you over the years. The way we’ve been living isn’t healthy for either of us and just can’t stomach it any longer. You don’t deserve to be worried about both of us constantly because I can’t handle life in the dystopian universe well. You said if anything were to ever happen to go to Tommy that he take care of me so rest easy knowing that right up until the end I listened to you. I’ve joined the fire flies with him and by the time you see this we will have left the QZ in search of a better living situation. Tommy will message you here and there on the radio. You and Sarah will always have a place on my heart.

Love,

Birdie

Anger and failure blend together in a unrelenting weight on Joel’s chest as he flips the kitchen table over, papers flying everywhere, glass breaking.

—————————————————————-

About 10 years later

Tommy is up on the scaffolding when he hears the unmistakable tone of his brothers voice

“Tooommmyyyy”

Tommy runs down the stairs as Joel’s jumps from the horse he’s on and the share in a tight embrace.

“The fuck you doin here?”

“I came to save you guys”

Tommy and Maria take Joel and Ellie into the mess hall for a meal. As Tommy’s taking his coat and gloves off he slips his ring into his pocket, not ready to tell Joel that the two of you are in love, that you’d gotten married. Not wanting to have the conversation in front of everyone. Emotions swirl around Tommy’s head, on one hand he’s happy to see his brother on the other hand fear and resentment in not knowing what kind of person his brother is these days.

“I trust the two of you would like some time alone, I’ll take Ellie up to the house to shower and set her up with clothes and then take her to the town movie night” Maria says

“It’s ok Ellie you can go with her, it’ll be alright”

“ Tommy a word in private before you do so?”

“Is Birdie going to be alright?”

“I think she’s going to be a bit shaken, she has therapy tonight and I know she’ll be home right now unwinding so she won’t just bump into him. Imma make sure she knows tonight that he’s here.”

—————————————————————

“It doesn’t look like you’ve aged much” Joel says taking a seat at the bar of the tipsy bison, nervously smoothing his hand over it.

“You on the other hand” Tommy offers.

“Is she here? Is Birdie alive?” Joel asks nervously

“Yes she’s here in Jackson”

“Where is she? I want to see her” Joel presses

“Now slow down Joel, ya can’t just waltz in here and demand to see her”

“ The fuck I can’t! You ain’t her keeper. I have the right to see her”

“I’m not her keeper nor am I trying to be, all I’m trying to say is she’s made a lot of progress since we’ve been here. Her health and well being has improved 10 fold thanks to therapy.”

“Therapy?”

“One of our residents here used to be a therapist before the outbreak so we built her a place to practice out of and birdie goes every week like she did before the outbreak”

“She went to therapy before? I didn’t know that”

“And I suppose you never asked either”

Tommy’s comment gets under Joel’s skin. Bringing up resentment that had be just below the surface.

“So what’s this have to do with you tellin’ me I can’t see Birdie?”

Tommy let’s out a frustrated huff at Joel’s pressing. He doesn’t want to argue with his brother, they havnt seen each other in so long the last thing he wants to do is get into a fight. But Tommy’s one and only goal is protecting you and he will be as harsh as he has to be to get Joel to understand, even if he doesn’t like the answers.

“Because Joel you just arrived with a mystery kid, she has no idea your even here. You just turning up at her door with no notice would have her shaken, set back her mental health. She deserves to atleast know your here. To make her own decision on wether or not she wants to see you”

“So what are you really doing out here Joel? What’s with the kid?”

“She needs to go to this firefly base out here so Marlene hired me to bring her out here. And I took the job so I could get out here and save you guys.”

“Why did you think we needed saving?”

“I don’t know Tommy maybe because the two of you guys stopped fucking messaging me back. Because Marlene said you weren’t with the fireflies anymore. It must be because your girl keeps you on a short leash.”

“Maria? It is because of a rule we put In place here but she ain’t my girl. We started having some rough people coming through because they found out about us from radio activity so we had to be more careful and only use it for emergency’s.”

“ Let me show you where you guys will be staying so you can rest, clean up and go to the town movie night if you’d like.”

—————————————————————

Tommy can’t help but smile about the way you look up from your book when he walks through the door, food from the mess hall in his hands.

“Hey baby” you coo, the smile on your face lighting up the room when you see him.

“Hey sweet girl, sorry I’m home a lil late. But I have your favorite, it was Shepards pie night at the mess hall.”

You get up to take the food containers from him, placing them on the counter as he wraps his arms around you.

“How did therapy go to today babe?” Tommy asks as he kisses your temple.

“It went good, just exhausted by it tonight”

After dinner your curled up on the couch with your head in his lap asking him about his day.

“Baby I need to tell you something” Tommy breaths out his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Ok… is everything ok?” You ask starring up at him.

“I’m afraid it’s probably going up upset you” Tommy says rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

“What is it Tommy?” You ask as you sit up. Mind racing with what it could be.

“Joel’s here, in Jackson”

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[deffonotjae]

.

haha, enjoy this rant since the trips hit 7 mill, and i cant keep it to myself or ill explode.

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ive loved these men, from the first video i ever saw of them.

my ex best friend got me rly into them, which had to be the only sane thing she ever did- ill always be grateful for that fact.

since the 6th grade these three boys have made my whole middle school experience js a little less shitty, a little less daunting, and a little more worth it.

i was in the worst place, i think i had ever been in, still to this day. the longest, darkest, depressive episode ive ever experienced, and i couldnt get myself out for anything.

that was until i rediscovered the trips after not rly watching them, and it changed everything for me. seeing them happy, living their lives, laughing, changing the narrative everyone around made for them, setting their own goals and accomplishing them like nothing, while also being real, and raw- and there.

they were there for me. whether they knew me or not, they were and still r some of the only ppl there for me when i truly need it. they love and care and appreciate all of us, and that meant so fuckin much when i was in that stage of life.

not only the feeling of being loved, but also the positive impact their videos had on me, in the sense of them spreadin nothing but that. it was like a breath of fresh air, and i watched them every fuckin day, edited them, listened to the music they did, stayed with them as they grew, and it only went up from there.

i gained my confidence back, after having it ripped away from me at such a young age- my self respect, my morals, myself.

it took everything, and it took two fuckin years, but i did it. i did it, and im still doin it to this day, but theres no doubt in my mind that if i hadnt found the sturniolos, i wouldnt have found the light as soon as i did, or maybe ever.

they understood me, they got me, they accepted me, and that fact was held near and dear to my heart as i got better.

they deserve everything theyve gained and more, bc without them i may not have held on so tightly.

they deserve everything.

the obstacles, the ppl, the controversies, theyve overcome all of them, and im rly, rly fuckin proud of them.

i love them.

happy 7 mill, to the only ppl who could put a smile on my face when everything went to shit-

and happy 7 mill to the boys who r actual blessings to our world-

and continue to save lives every day.

all js by being themselves.

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[anadrenalineslut]

like okay im thinking about how the whole title track sounds very much like she's trying so hard to make the situation sound romantic when the lyrics are objectively what the fuck and how thats probably the point of the song because like the more i really read the lyrics, the more im like these lyrics sound very similar to those in so high school to me.

like i said previously that so high school doesnt work for me as a love song because the lyrics are so un-romantic and what the fuck and I'm thinking ttpd falls under the same category of love songs trying really hard to be love songs but the reality of the situation is so bleak.

for example, ttpd talks about her lover "self sabatoging" and "throwing spikes down on the road" and the "romantic thing" they did together was smoke weed and eat lots of chocolate in bed. The most "romantic" thing he does is at dinner when he takes her ring off her middle finger and put it on her fourth finger, which SHE interprets as "the one people put wedding rings on" because SHE wants to get married and will read into things that arent meant to be read into to justify the "cyclone" of a ride she chose to be on. in other words, she justifies her behavior by saying that it's true love and they're destined to end up married together.

i keep thinking about that HORRIFIC fucking quote from the folklore documentary where taylor admits as much when she says that "betty and james" end up together in her end but "he really puts her through it." anyways moving on before i yak.

the whole title track is the most unromantic, least sexy set of situations you can think of and the cringey lyricism of it all plays into the art of it all because she did it all on purpose to convey her delusional behavior and thinking patterns last year after the break up with joe. the whole song reads as delusional because she wasn't thinking straight after the break up and she wanted to get that point across here i think.

but also like so high school is equally as cringey and unsexy and unromantic as you can fucking get. im sorry but if you're older than 25 and still think american pie is a good movie, you're cringey. if you think having sex around people who dont know thats what you're doing is cool and sexy, you're cringey. like idk the whole song just doesnt feel romantic to me. who actually wants to feel sixteen again ? i was suicidal back then so im biased af but i feel like adulthood is so much better than teenagehood.

its so fucking cringey to want to stay young forever. its so fucking cringey to want to not age and be stuck in a high school mentality. like idk when i hear the song, im just not feeling romantic at all the same way i do not feel romantic at all listening to the title track either. both of these songs to me are similar in nature. cringey af lyrics written to try and back the best out of bleak options because the person who is making these choices just wants to be married already and doesnt care who gets her to the aisle at this point.

like i feel like there is such a desperation in ttpd to be settled down and married and im like.... why? what is the rush? why are you acting like its the end of the world if you're not married by 35? its why the prophecy is a skip for me because its just like... i dont relate to that level of desperation at all.

have i wanted to be loved? yes.

have i been rejected and down bad crying at the gym before? yes.

have i gotten into a serious depressive episode because of a relationship break up before? yes.

but have i ever been so desperate to lower my standards in what i find acceptable in a relationship? no.

i cannot relate to dating people i do not actually like because i want to get married and be married in the eyes of other people so badly im willing to entertain anything at this point.

like i understand ignoring small red flags that could go either way in the beginning of a relationship but i could never seriously commit to changing my entire personality to be in a relationship with someone.

there are also some things i just could never fucking accept in a relationship and treating me like im not high on your list of priorities is one of them. i also am not the type to "send signals" by "biting my nails down to the quick" either in a relationship. i will make my opinion and argument known for why you should not treat me x y z and you still do, i will leave. i will leave so fucking fast and i will not spend 3 years cultivating a side piece relationship to escape into either. i will just leave.

and i feel like taylor has exposed a deep critical truth about herself and her mentality to love that feels very like young to me... i remember thinking this way when i was a child but by 17 i had really outgrown that idea of romance and love already and was developing the 1989 approach to love which i think is another important thing to consider in the ttpd conversation.

because 1989 has assumedly over 100 songs written on it and we got just over 20 of them for taylor's version. that means there is 4/5 of the 1989 era in the vault that we will never hear. and ttpd is 2 hours worth of music written in about 6-10 months so its safe to assume that ttpd era is mostly not in the vault (maybe 1/5 in the vault).

and 1989 is like the life of the bolter character in blank space and i just always assumed taylor and the bolter were one and the same during 1989 era. but even just the 5 songs we got off the vault are so much like ttpd to me that i feel like the real character of 1989 is more like ttpd where the bolter is 1 song out of 31, most of which directly contrast the narrative told in the bolter.

and i feel like 1989 is more an album of taylor's idealized version of herself and ttpd is who she really is to present that image of herself to the world. and the insides of it are so very human but kind of ugly and worthy of ridicule. ttpd is the expansion of dear reader where she warns you of what is to come and how she is going to show you the reality behind "the home thats really a house" because nobody is there waiting for her due to actions she takes to self-sabatoge at every opportunity.

she is so caught up in what people say about her that she spent 3 out of 6 years of her public "end game" relationship fantasizing about how to end up with a past toxic fling from her roaring 20s. she is gatsby looking back at the green light of the 1989 era and wanting to be that "happy" again. so she burns it all down and she's left with songs like ttpd and so high school to sing about because she is a feather taken by the wind blowing.

anyways this is a huge fucking ramble sorry yall if u made it down here congrats holy shit 💓

[sundayroadkill]

i started watching btvs because of u. am on episode 1, when does this get good /gen

ok ok lemme give u some vibes for the seasons

season 1: camp camp camp this is the filler vibes lets learn these characters season, they have no budget, and were playing in the goosebumps silly space, the finale is the Best episode of the season

season 2: oh no romance is in the air and what is that? the emotional consequences of our actions? oh god noooo. this season is often people faves and the middle to second half is emotionally devastating. (still beware it has some of the lowest rated episodes) a season of finally some vamps with CHARACTER (if ur interested in spike and buffy then this is when we meet spike as the season antagonisttt)

season 3: the homoerotic subtext is in the AIR and buffy is not ok. this is the last highschool season and it has one of my all time fave fictional characters so i cannot have an unbiased opinion on most of this season (even tho it has the worst romance of the show by far in it) (if ur interested in faith and buffy tHIS is when we meeettt herrrr and god its messsyyy)

season 4: ok listen this is the lowest rated season of the show, but im so in love with it. the vibes are iNSANE, everyons trying to find their way after highschool and its clunky and have such weird polarizing eps but also one of the best episodes of television ive ever seen. also spike is back but this time hes their domesticated pet they have chained up in the bathroom

season 5: if u wanna know when things really pick up and get bonkers crazy its here. widely known as the best seaosn of the show and one of the best finales of all time and god i think its deserves that title. the story pacing is wild, spike is sure something this season, heartbreak, triumph, confusion, clever storytelling, this seasons so well done and u can watch buffys intense struggle into being an adult women

season 6: the most polarizing season. we explore buffys intense depression in the face of her own debilitating trauma and how it affects her ability to caretake for her family as well at take care of herself this season and its personally my favorite season of the whole show. spike and buffy are fucking insane this season, they are fucking a literal house down this season

season 7: final season of the show and it feels like it. the vibes are very oh boy howdy this is it huh. i think they make mostly good decisions this season that send me off to some amazing post series fanfictions so ultimately im happy

ok i got pretty high halfway thru that so if it makes no sense that would be why. but if ur interested in me making an essential episode list to help guide u thru earlier more filler seasons to get to the meat and bones just send an ask my way again 👍👍 id say give it to halfway season 2 and see how u feel

[auxilioooo]

ok i just watched episode seven of moon girl season two and i started crying CUZ GOD DAMN YOU DIDNT HAVE TO ATTACK ME LIKE THAT

SPOILERS AHEAD

I’ve suffered from bad anxiety since i was a kid. i’ve always been scared to talk to kids my age and i’ve always felt i needed to be perfect in school. I’m the kid who if they get a B they start freaking out. Then in 7th grade when i was already struggling with 7th Accelerated Math COVID hit and I had to do everything online. My middle school didn’t handle it well and i was so scared of failing and the fact that i couldn’t talk to my teacher about not understanding the work that I just didn’t do any of it (counter productive i know). I ended up with a ton of zeros and my mom got mad. I ended up fixing it but that didn’t help my anxiety at all.

In high school (grades 9-12 for non-americans) all the pressure got worse and everything was a lot more stressful. 9th grade I was the only freshman in my math class and I had a horrible english teacher, 10th I was in my yearbook class (that’s an entire shit show of its own that, to summarize, made me super depressed and the reason i’m in therapy) and now Im in AP Physics. The test are super hard and stressful especially when i don’t understand most of it. I also was taking 3 other AP classes and i had to drop one. Because of that my anxiety got so bad that i started taking medication which has been super helpful and made school a lot more bearable.

Anyways when Lunella started talking about how she needs to be perfect and have all this pressure put on her by Dr. Ojo, I really related to all of that. Plus the visuals of representing it is exactly what i think and how it feels when i get those waves of anxiety. The part that made me start crying is when Mimi and Casey check on Lunella and Casey ask what’s happening and Mimi just goes “she’s having a panic attack”. Just hearing those words come out of the screen just meant so much to me. Just thinking of all the little girls, even then the little kids, who have felt the same and watching this showing that even some of the most powerful people have felt the same way. To show people what goes on to the “smart kids” when the expectations finally catch up with them and are told “you’re not good enough you need to be better”. To show that it’s normal to feel these feelings and also to show how to handle it. Making sure you have a good support group and even listening to music that calms you down (Here Comes a Thought from Steven Universe helps me). I’m just so happy to watch a show and just think “i’m not the only one. it’s ok that i feel this way”.

Anyways sorry for my ramble and GO WATCH MOON GIRL AND DEVIL DINOSAUR SEASON TWO BABY!!!!

[haytham-loves-chocolate]

“I wish people would notice you more.”

A/N: This is a John Pitcairn birthday special. This involves my OC, Enola, but it is not in the style of Assassin’s Creed Forsaken this time.

Includes: Angst/Comfort scenario.

Warning: Suicide mention

Summary: Enola tried to commit suicide in the middle of the night, but Pitcairn was there in time.

“Enola-“

“Pitcairn, stop it! Just stop it, please! I can’t deal with this anymore! I can’t! I-“

“Enola, if you will allow me to explain-“

“Why should you care?” She retorts, followed by a fit of rage, “Why should you care about me?!” Pitcairn stays attentive as though it does not faze him at all. She presses her fingertips on her left hand close to her chest, eyes slit and voice raised in a way that could annoy anyone else in his place.

“I’m a nobody. I’m a loser, a depressed, selfish bitch that thinks everyone around her hates her! When no one talks to me, I think I’m too annoying. Or when someone has nothing to say to me, I think I’m in the way of their time, their life.”

Her voice lowers to a quiet snivel, a weak smile appears from her lips.

“I think of you, John. I wish I was like you.” Enola takes in a huge, deep breath, waits for a few seconds, then lets it out to be masked with a sob. “I wish I could do something more than this! I wish I wasn’t afraid! I-I do things and I regret them immediately afterwords because it’s all I know.” She immediately raises her left hand to wipe the tears flowing down her cheeks , sniffling. “Regrets are my fear, John.”

Enola points to the small, ivory dagger on the top of her drawer. Pitcairn glances over at the weapon for a split second, taking in the beauty and the polished silver of the blade. He turns his head back to her direction, letting her continue her ranting.

“I tried cutting myself because I know if I’m not here you will all be happy. No more of me. But seeing you stop me, seeing you standing there… looking at my selfish side.”

She frowns now, her mind seething with thoughts as she continues,

“You think I’m doing this for attention aren’t you? You think I’m a mistake, don’t you? That I should travel back home, stay home, never come back. Oh god, what have I done? What have I done, I’m so sorry! Im sorry!”

Enola wails on, placing her hands on her face to hide her face from him.

Pitcairn can see she is going through another mental episode, something that has been troubling her for some time now periodically.

So, he stands in front of her, his hands go out to touch her arms but she backs away in fear.

“Don’t touch me, Don’t touch me! I can’t live like this anymore! I can’t keep trying to get his attention, but I love him too much, but then I just wanted to jump off a fucking building and-“

“Enola, stop this nonsense and listen!”

Pitcairn’s hands lightly shake her arms after he pins her to the wall. He bores his eyes deep into hers, his eyebrows furrowing to make it seem like he is frustrated at her, which is not the case here. Her hysterical crying stops at his words. Her glossy eyes observed him, not knowing what is going on inside his head. She lets out a sniffle and her bottom lip quivers too.

“M’eudail, dear.” Pitcairn cooed out, his hand brushing her hair as if he was comforting a newborn child.

“You are someone. You are strong, you’re not a coward at all. You-“ He licks his lips in a nervous kind of way, and his grip on her arms loosens.

“Haytham, okay?” He continues, his voice gentle and caring. “You don’t need Haytham. You definitely do not need him. He will never be with you.” Enola starts to cry again but he hushes her, wiping the tears rolling down her eyes and cheeks.

“Let me tell you why, Enola.” His hands wrap around her hands, intertwining his fingers with hers.

“Because you are worth a whole lot more than the attention of one nobleman. Your worth is priceless. A king’s charter can’t claim you. Please take heed of my words. I am only a man, I am only a soldier fighting for his country. But I will fight for what I believe in. I believe in you. If you want someone to listen to you, all you have to do is ask. If you want to write to me, do it. I’ll reply as soon as I am able to. To lose you Enola is to lose the war and I will not lose you. You hear this right? Nod yes.”

Enola nods her head quickly and sniffles again. His lips make a smile at her head nod, his hands still on hers in a supportive way.

“You are enough, you are great. Please let me show you why you are.”

“What do you mean show me?” Enola’s voice and her eyes are soft and curious.

Suddenly, he pins her down to her bed, having her yelp out and blink her eyes quickly in a surprised reaction.

“J-John, what are you-“

She gets interrupted by his lips, gently pressing them to her nose. Her eyebrows raise slightly as keeps silent as he continues his tour of kisses on her face. Not one part of her face goes bare with his caresses. They maybe slow, but it’s something that makes Enola giggle at to make her happier.

The last part of her face he kisses are her eyelids, his hands cupping her cheeks and his thumbs placed close to her nose. With a sweet smile, she glances his way to see a sweet smile also on his face.

“Tha gaol agam ort. Tha thu a’ ciomhead Bòidheach.”

Her face gazed in confusion at his words, and a small chuckle escapes from his lips.

“I love you. You look so beautiful.”

“How do I say I love you too?”

“Tha gaol agam ort cuideachd.”

“Tha goal agam ort cuideachd.”

A smug look appears on his face after she repeated what he said to her.

“I guess the lessons have paid off, don’t you think?”

Enola lets out another giggle and she wraps her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek as she does so.

“Mum only let me learn Irish.”

“I guess being British has some of its perks.”

Pitcairn lets out a soft chuckle at this joke, his arms already wrapped around her body.

“Yet, I wouldn’t have met everyone if it wasn’t for… for the past.”

“Don’t worry about the past. The past is over now. All that matters is what you do in the future.”

He moves his body away from the hug but he is still in reach just incase she needs another one. He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and he slowly grazes his fingertips over her jawline.

“You’re a good woman, Enola. You only need a helping hand.”

“You have been too kind to me. Caring and understanding. I wish people noticed you more.”

Enola admired him, still admires him. Maybe even more now. He always was a man of his heart, caring about others in a way that made him well respected in a large group setting. But this one-on-one talk with him seems to have gotten through to her. More than ever.

[judgementdaysunshine]

🌲- im 5’7 with blonde hair and blue eyes and i have a very introverted personality some of my favorite things to do are read and write and watch gilmore girls and my favorite author is taylor jenkins reid i also have a passion for music of any kind but especially 70s . im also outdoors often and have a cat named daryl ( lol twd)

My Fandoms are

Criminal minds

One Tree Hill

Marvel

DC

and Harry Potter

thank you!!

Okey dokey my dear!

First I ship you with Aaron Hotchner! 🤍

He always enjoys trips to the park,lake,pool,local garden and out of town trips whenever he wasn't wrapped in cases around the US with his team

He likes to just hold you with his arm wrapped around you and your head on his shoulder while reading one of your favorite books in the quiet of your home or music playing

He loves when the two of you and jack lay in bed or sit on the couch watching an episode of a sitcom or a movie enjoying the small moment of being a family

Whether it's slow dancing in your bedroom or kitchen or dancing away in the kitchen you always enjoy dancing together especially to music that you both have listened to for years when you were both younger in college

You both have a big love of music and always do different things depending on what music is playing whether you dance around the kitchen while dinner cooks,slow dancing in your bedroom whenever the two of you couldn't sleep,or even just doing things around the house

He always tries to get you out meeting people even when you didn't really know how to act and never minding when you needed to hold and squeeze his hand

Next I ship you with Nathan Scott! 💙

He didn't really listen to 70s music until he met you and would always walk in your home hearing a song playing just loud enough to where you could hear it halfway up the stairs to your room

Anytime when the two of you just sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn or laying in bed with pizza or chinese watching a movie or an episode of one of your or his favorite shows he feels like home which he never felt before with any of his exes so he knew you were the one when he realized that feeling whenever he was with you

He always holds your hand when the two of you go out meeting new people even going to a bar or restaurant with his or your closest friends he is always rubbing your hand with his thumb occasionally kissing your hand in between helping you calm down

He can never turn down a trip to the lake,hiking on forest trails,barbeques with your friends,and out of town trips visiting your family and enjoying the time away from town back at your childhood home and town

Neither of you did really dance but when a good song came on the two of you were feeling the rhythm flow through your veins or the feelings of love as you held each other in your kitchen or bedroom

Next I ship you with Thor! ♥️

You both danced well on your own but when the two of you danced together everyone who was dancing would just watch as the two of you moved even molding together where no one could tell where each of your bodies began or ended

He would always whisper in your ear occasionally when you got anxious and nervous not knowing what to do or say

The two of you were always on some kind of trip whether to Asgard,the big lake outside of town,a small diner near Avengers tower,a local animal shelter,or even a field in the middle of nowhere that was so beautiful

He always likes watching movies with you on the couch or in bed with food and covered in blankets whether it's a cheesy romcom,An 80's slasher,a 90's comedy,or a movie that makes you cry about true stories that actually happened to people

He knew music could be for any mood but when he heard the 70's playlist you had he was dancing the whole time making you laugh and join him

He would always hold you against him with your head on his chest listening to his heartbeat when you were depressed and thinking you didn't deserve to have him

He always tells you stories of his life on Asgard and of is mother who he loved dearly and he knew if she was here and she met you the two of you would be partners in crime

Next I ship you with Barry Allen! 🧡

He always holds your hands helping ground you when you are anxious always reminding you that he was there and he never judged you for being like this occasionally

He loved going on trips with you no matter where it was whether it was a local restaurant,the park,the creek,or trips out of town to see your family whether it was a week or month he always enjoyed getting away from being a hero and Central City

He always enjoyed spending time with you no matter what it was so movie nights were a big thing that the two of you did together always attached to each other with drinks,food,and blankets laughing at a comedy,crying at an emotional movie,or in awe of a classic sci fi film The Matrix being both of your personal favorite

He always liked music but when a good 70's song came on you better be ready to dance and sing along with him

He opens his arm holding you when you're depressed letting you cry as long as you need while running his fingers through your hair and his hand on your side until you feel better

He had been told of his infamous dancing but when his team saw the two of you dancing together at the justice league headquarters for a Christmas party they were all surprised and impressed

And finally I ship you with Sirius Black! 🖤

He knew how depressed you could and he had it too so sometimes you would be depressed together holding each other and saying how much you meant to the other

The two of you would be slowly dancing or grooving in one of your rooms or even the common room in between classes or eating lunch together then dancing after

The two of you would always go on a trip to Hogsmeade,your family home in Greenwich,or your grandparents home in Sutton for holidays and school breaks

He was such a big fan of 70's music not only from you but from James who was always playing a random one hit wonder too groovy to forget

He would always give you water while hugging you when you're anxious making sure you drink enough to keep hydrated and slowly calm down

He always has movies ready to watch whenever you stay in the others room or when you go to your parents or grandparents home having multiple ones of different genres and decades having quite a few different favorites

[solfinite]

i want to rant real quick, its not anything serious, just a personal art rant

ive always loved art, since like kindergarten, its something that i do alot and like to share. it helps me through depressive episodes and other troubles, it helps me fall asleep and i just do it bc i want to, etc.

i have other hobbies too, i love making music, playing games, reading, writing,, but those don't fully satisfy me

a few years ago, back in late middle school, or early high-school. i was talking with classmates. we were talking about hobbies and one mentioned that they noticed i draw alot, and asked if i do other stuff.

i said something along the lines of "yeah but i mostly draw" to which they responded "oh, thats kinda sad"

it hit me pretty hard. why was it 'sad'? i knew not to really listen to people like that but it stuck with me.and i started feeling self conscious that i drew daily.

i'd hold myslef back from posting when i made art and only would post every few days. i didn't like people knowing how much i drew. it made me really anxious at some times

and something i found hard to relate to alot of other artists i was friends with, follow or watch is,, not drawing. for whatever reasons they stop drawing, im mostly talking art block. as i just still doodle when i have artblock, bc i need to do something with my hands

and now i do just post whenever i have art but its still hard to not feel this weird guilt or distaste towards how often i draw

its ok if you draw alot and its ok if you don't, its ok if you rarely draw or in an artblock, or can't for whatever reason

[onedayatatime-please]

Wednesday, Aug. 21st, 2024. 11:38 pm.

Today started very rough but it got better towards the end. I woke up very depressed and it only got worse throughout the day. At some point I felt very nauseous and was unable to get out of bed, idk what that was about. In the afternoon I was feeling very deeply disassociated and went for a walk down to the dock. I can’t remember much of the walk or what I did at the dock. I know I took a picture of the sky and laid on my back but that’s it. On my way back to the house I was walking along the bath and started to get spacial hallucinations. Because of the tall bushes the path is very tunnel-like and I had the hallucination of the end of the tunnel getting father away and then getting very close quite rapidly. I also was very dizzy and had intense vertigo. I felt like I was going to step forward and fall through the ground and start falling through space. So I laid down on a patch of moss in the middle of the grass. I had slight hallucinations which made me feel like the ground was shifting and rocking underneath me. This is a fairly common experience for me, particularly when I am depressed or disassociated. The hallucinations made my headspace worse and my thoughts turned to self harm. Often when I hallucinate or disassociate my brains first response is to self harm very violently (stabbing myself with the nearest sharp thing, slamming my head into a wall) and it is very clearly out of a want to snap out of it. In highschool self harm was my only menthol of self-soothing during disassociative episodes and panic attacks, which is one of the reasons breaking the habit has been so difficult. When I was laying down and I registered these thoughts and how they were very quickly turning to thoughts of suicide, I made myself get up and go back to the house. This was difficult as often when I disassociate, my brain looses touch with the rest of my body and I will lose the ability to speak or move (without a lot of effort). But I knew that I needed to be around other people more then anything, even if I didn’t want to actually interact with anyone. As a matter of my own saftey, I needed to be around someone else. When I got to the house I tried playing with my Nephew but he was feeling shy so I let it be. And then 🪶 called me.

He sounded happy but exhausted and I am very glad he called. We spoke for over an hour and he said “I forgot how easy it is to talk to you.” We talked about our days and things and it felt like how we used to talk all the time. He said he was excited to see me and I believe him. The longer we talked the less depressed and disassociated I felt. Which is unsurprising, he’s always had that affect on me. Even when I’m at my worst he’s somehow able to pull me out of it, or at least be there standing by while I pull myself out. I left the conversation feeling happier then I have in days.

I ate a great pasta my cousins made and we all played a heated game of Uno. 🪶 and I traded a bunch of videos and images of our lives from the past few weeks and I sent him all the Dan Reeder I’ve been listening to.

Speaking of Dan Reeder. God damn does that man give me hope. All I want out of life is to one day be an old man, and be playing three chords on an old home made guitar. Something about him let’s me know that things are gonna be okay.

I wanted to die at some point today, and now im laying here in bed being glad im alive.

I’m not dead yet, I will do my best to keep it that way.

[princess-xeon]

parisocial relationships & rebirth

damn guys it took me forever to process this post!1!!!!111!!!

pain!!!! but it's okay lets catch up.

as per usual i am merging all of my interests and somehow colliding them simultaneously. esthetician school has been good thankfully. im used to the trails and tribulations of capitalism and the beauty industry. me used to it lol. aside from that; i saw Frost Children for the third time in concert as well as atlgrandma and Dorian Electra for the second time. granted it was phenomenal as to be expected but the short lived conversation that i ended up having with Lulu and Angel was semi heart breaking. but i wont let my favorite artists becoming more mainstream affect my live for them again. i have learned to distance myself from expectations and unhealthy parisocial relationships and instead just continue to love people unconditionally. because people like frost children work so hard to make a name for themselves and their art and i will always deeply respect and appreciate that. i told Lulu that i had a very intense depressive episode recently and that their art got me out of that. they were a little startled to hear that (i should've expected that) but they were so kind as always reassuring me that they're happy that im doing better but that what they do isn't even all that serious. but thats the point. i love not taking life seriously. it makes life so much more fun and enjoyable not only for myself but for others as well. regardless i will always love Angel and Lulu. i will always respect the fact that they're such genuine and kind souls while also having fun and encouraging others to stick a middle finger up to the predictable.

i am blessed that i am somewhat out of that rut again. i just had to listen to those who love me. i love my friends more than anything. when i went to that show last night i went with my best friend Lex. i love her more than anything because she keeps me grounded and reminds me that my existence is important and valid. and that you can be a fan of artists such as JPEGMAFIA and remain to be queer as fuck. she's so fucking awesome and i will always appreciate that about her. she treasures me that aside from my traumas of narcissists i will never have the ill intent (hopefully) to end up like someone of that sorts.

i will never forgive thou that shall not be named for how they made me feel. cutting narcissists out of my life was one of the best decisions that i have ever made in my entire life. unfortunately not everyone appreciates and savors unconditional love. i wish i could love every being the same, but some people just refuse to let me in. that is their issues and nothing of my concern.

ive been watching a lot of Drew Monson's youtube videos. he reminds me of the people in my life that i love. and he basically saved my life. his quick witted humor and loveable personality keeps a warmth in my heart. when i was going through my episode, he understood me and helped me out of it through humor, love for pop culture, and overall relatable qualities that i find hard to find from others.

anyways. im going to take a break from chronically online to try to write a poem for my grandma. in conclusion. i will always love Dorian Electra, for reminding me that irony can be sexy and fantastic in queer artistry. that disappointment is okay, and that swaggery always oozes out of me as well as you. no matter how you choose to express it.

much love. 5 ever 👁‍🗨🙏🏻🕊 ~ princess xeon

PIC CREDITS 4 THOSE WHO CARE

1. Dorian Electra performing ‘Puppet’ live recorded from my camcorder

2. An infrared selfie I took from my camcorder

3. My coworker and friend drag legend Banshee Rose performing at Oil Can Harry’s

4. A whisper that I made

5. A photoshoot with Angel and Lulu from Frost Children

6. A cool pic that I found from Pinterest

7. The icon Shaye St John

8. A collage by yours truly

9. My new favorite shirt that I got from the Frost Children concert last night

10. My favorite book at the moment

11. Chloe Cherry :3

12. A cool pic I found from tik tok 🙄

13. Alice Longyu Gao DJing and being iconic

14. Bunny girl :D

[kitcheninaman]

boutta be far too open and personal and sad but this is tumblr so who gives a shit 2024 is NOT going karkaliciously im in the middle of an absolutely life ending depressive episode and its nearly my birthday and i went for a walk earlier at 1am and i went down to the local church and i smoked far too many cigarettes while listening to car seat headrest and watching the rain and i didnt feel Happy because i havent felt that in a long long fucking time but i felt slightly more free i felt so so so empty and my life will forever be as hopeless as that moment but it was half an hour i could spend within myself without being trapped and it was Nice. and then the walk home was the worst thing ive ever had to do and now im lying here wondering who the fuck i even am. and i need the catharsis of release but i dont know enough to try and find it. im writing a song about this like the shitty musician i am and im going to die young and afraid but for right now i have a place on those church steps and some cigarettes in my pocket and that will see me through the night

[aery-c]

1. drink - Coca Cola

2. 📱 call - my bf

3. text - my bff

4. song you listened to - misbehave by one true god and arius

5. time you 😢 - like last year

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - yup who hasnt gone on second dates

7. 😘 someone and regretted it - ew yes

8. been cheated on - yup and cheated too.

9. lost someone special - milo my pupper

10. been depressed - 100%

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - way too many times

FAVORITE COLORS

Silver, pink, mauve, black, white.

in the last year have you...

16. made new friends - yes

17. fallen out of 💛 - I haven’t

18. 😂 until you 😢 - yes

19. found out someone was talking about you - yup. A customer who was a stranger and it was rumoured by another customer.

20. met someone who changed you - hell yeah!

21. found out who your friends are - yah

22. 😘 someone on your facebook friends list - lots

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your facebook friends list do you know irl - maybe like 400 but like obvs I don’t still talk to them all 

24. do you have any pets - 1 kitten

25. do you want to change your middle name - nah its been changed lol

26. what did you do for your last 🎂 - airbnbed at docklands and chilled w 2 friends while video calling boyfie, dipped in jacuzzi and had dinnerly.

27. what time did you wake up today - about 11.30am

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - watching westworld s4 the epic episode of generation lost

29. what is something you can’t wait for - meeting up w boyfie irl

30. what are you listening to right now - nothing

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - yeah

32. something that gets on your nerves - people who disrespect women

33. most visited website - does ig count as a website?

34. hair color - black

35. long hair or short hair - short hair but i have medium

36. do you have a crush on someone - does my boyfie count

37. what do you like about yourself - my openmindedness

38. want any piercings - yes. Tongue and snakebites

39. blood type - A+

40. nicknames - catan, cey, aery, vinnie, 女女

41. relationship status - in a relationship of 1 whole year

42. zodiac - gemini

43. pronouns - she/her

44. favorite 📺 show - westworld

45. tattoos - none

46. right handed or left - right handed

47. ever had surgery - does dental surgery like wisdom teeth extraction count?

48. piercings - ears n belly button

49. sports - hate it. Except iceskating and roller skating roller blading

50. vacation - dying for one

51. trainers - adidas ultraboosts

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - nothing rn

53. drinking - nothing rn

54. i’m about to watch - my bf

55. waiting for - bf to wake up

56. want - to be financially well off

57. get married - I want to... but it’s unlikely :c

58. career - design innovator or inventor

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - hugs

60. 👄 or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - younger

63. nice arms or stomach - stomach

64. hookup or relationship - date to marry so relationship.

65. troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER

66. 😘 a stranger - yup

67. drank hard liquor - of course

68. lost glasses - I dont wear any

69 (oof). turned someone down - yup 

70. sex on first date -  surprisingly yes

71. broken someone’s ❤️ - im a heart breaker

72. had your 💔 - oh for definite

73. been arrested - nah 

74. 😢 when someone died - yeah

75. fallen for a friend - yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - sometimes

77. miracles - yes

78. 💛 at first sight - yeah

79. 🎅 - nah

80. 😘 on a first date - yeah

81. angels - yup

other

82. best friend’s name - cece

83. eye color - brown

84. favorite movie - currently bladerunner

85. favorite actor - maybe the main guy from blade runner... Cant remmeber his name rn lol

aery-c

[87435678753256732]

MAY '23!!

haillo,

its already June 8th, which means May flew by so quickly. I didn't read or skim past my last entry. mostly because im sure of what I wrote down for April. and its all happy stuff!! im sitting now in the kitchen table of my boyfriends apartment, and it feels a bit strange to complete this entry somewhere public. Athough I have done it at work before everyone arrived, I guess it felt scary but now it feels okay. like there's nothing to worry about. I will be starting school soon, around three months to be exact. Im feeling different emotions, but im sure about what im doing. sometimes my autistic traits strike me down and I feel that I am not socially competent as other people in my field. Guess thats just my own take on imposter syndrome. hearing from people in the field that are younger than me think im much older due to my experience/ the way I present myself is interesting, flattering maybe? idk. time will pass anyway, so I can either be in 2026 with a degree or 2026 with no degree, whallaa!! sometimes I wonder if the better route would be in some field where I don't need as much human interaction, but then I remember that I love people!! I love chatting and hearing about my close pals days, even if I get stuck and have no clue what to bring up or respond. My therapist also broke up with me over a month ago. Not sure if I added that to the past entry. I understand why, im not bitter, but I am working on processing things on my own without relying on a therapist to listen to me in the middle of the week. I am glad that I have connected good friends with her, and I have been Able to see the progress!! It def helped me in ways that I am seeing now. even my old therapist who wasn't in touch helped impact my life in a way. I guess she listened and was the only one listening. WOOPS! Now im sitting on this black table as I complete the entry for may. the month of may was great. I was able to hang out with my friends, enjoy work, and hang out with my boyfriend. I was able to fall deeper in love, and enjoy all the little things in life that I had taken for granted. its strange walking in the chilling morning, hearing all the birds chip as I drink my warm coffee. Not that nature itself is strange, but Its strange that im finally in a point in my life in which my thoughts no longer overwhelm me. I still have my fears, and I am trying my best to work on them. One of them being my fear of abandonment. a part of my brain tries (the evollll part) tries to convince me that I do not deserve the happiness im feeling right now. that for some reason, things will get worse and I will once again fall. Its like premeditating my next depressive episode. I hate it. I try doing some CBT on myself and try to grasp why the irrational thoughts I have are only that, irrational. I really wish I didn't think this way, why do I not believe that I deserve good things? is it my jealousy convincing me that my hot boyfriend has people on a waitlist? idk LOL. I hope to be able to overcome these thoughts one day. Hopefully that will be soon. I know that I cannot keep these thoughts to myself, so I am open about them with my bf. I appreciate the validation I get, and am thankful that his reactions to my DIY processing aren't negative. I hope to reach a point where I don't rethink my thoughts before I tell him. I feel that way currently, but I guess closer. Its terrible to hear my coworkers/friends speak about the issues they have with their partners. overall it looks like they all revolve money somehow. what I find interesting is that it tends to come more from people who grew up well off?? not sure what it is. but I feel like if you truly love and care for someone, spending money on them shouldn't hurt?? especially if you're not poor and broke asf. even poor people find ways to show their love!! its crazy. anyways, thats all I've got. see you in JULLYYY

[atthebell-moved]

my wilbur/lovejoy song rankings, by album/grouping:

ycgma

jubilee line

saline solution

la jolla

losing face

your sister was right

i'm sorry boris

since i saw vienna

incel trilogy/whatever you wanna call it (including soft boy)

i'm in love with an e-girl (listened to it, no joke, for four days straight in the middle of a depressive episode. it Did Not Help)

soft boy (recency bias, will probably be #4 once im less excited about it)

internet ruined me

your new boyfriend

are you alright?

cause for concern

sex sells

taunt

one day

pebble brain

concrete

model buses

the fall

perfume

oh yeah, you gonna cry?

it's all futile! it's all pointless!

you'll understand when you're older

bonus: lovejoy covers

privately owned spiral galaxy

knee deep at atp

[anapologethicc]

anyone else ever feel like they're constantly falling behind and no matter how hard you try you will never be able to catch up :/

[chocoenvy]

ok choco

do you have any playlists that are, like, cries for help?

because saaaaame

ahaha

uhhhhhh ahaha- yes.

i went through some of my music to give examples for an ask and literally all of it was depressing and i was just ....