#listen. i just need to curate playlist so that they can express the feelings for me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[omgeto]

☆ COVER UP — tattoo artist!GETO SUGURU

summary: all you wanted was a cover up tattoo to replace the name your ex left on you. you didn't think you'd be leaving the tattoo shop with a replacement for your ex's tattoo and a replacement for him as well.

wc: 3k

cw: afab!reader, geto gives you backshots, he's kinda obsessed w/ your ass here, unprotected sex (since I forget condoms) BUT he's a gentleman pulls out </3 your kinda a meanie. he's kinda a meanie so light angst (?) but barely. MDNI

an: haven't posted a longer work in a hot minute, but here is how you meet tattoo artist boyfriend!geto soooo give this one a chance big fanks to my lil twat @kazushawty for helping me out and reading bits of it.

as you push open the heavy glass door of ‘cursed ink studios,’ a subtle bell chimes softly, announcing your presence. instantly, the atmosphere inside crackles with an electric charge. the air is thick with the intoxicating scent of ink, mingling with the sterile bite of antiseptic. the walls are adorned with vivid flash art form a chaotic tapestry, while the rhythmic hum of a tattoo gun echoes through the room.

and there he is, geto suguru – a tall, enigmatic figure with jet-black hair and sleeves of mesmerising tattoos that seem to tell stories of their own. he sits at his workbench, surrounded by an array of ink bottles and tattoo machines, his piercing eyes never leaving the art he's creating. a carefully curated playlist of music plays softly in the background, punctuated by the occasional buzzing of the tattoo gun.

he glances up from his intricate work as you enter, his gaze slowly travelling up and down your form. there's a hint of curiosity in his eyes, as though he's wondering why you, of all people, have ventured into his sacred space. his expression, however, suggests that he's far from thrilled about the interruption.

"need something?" he asks, his irritation evident.

"i need a cover-up” you swallow your nerves, holding your head high, your voice steady, ”my ex's name."

geto raises an eyebrow, seemingly unimpressed by your request. "ex's name, huh? you people never learn."

your jaw clenches at his condescending tone. "well, i'm here now, so can you do it or not?"

he continues to scrutinise you, his gaze feeling like a judgmental weight. finally, he nods, albeit reluctantly. "fine, show me."

with a sigh of resignation, you turn around, your heart pounding as you pull down the waistband of your jeans just enough to reveal the offending name covering your left ass cheek. it's a constant reminder of a relationship gone wrong, and you're more than ready to be rid of it.

"this won't be easy," he mutters, his fingers cool against your skin as he traces the outline of the name. his touch lingers, just a little too long, sending an unexpected shiver down your spine. his fingers, skilled and confident, continued to trace the inked letters of your ex's name on your skin — almost toyingly. and you could feel the chill of the tattoo parlour's air-conditioning contrasted by the warmth of his touch.

his voice, though still gruff, held a trace of disgust "who did this?" he asks, not looking up from the tattoo.

you hesitate, your memories of that past relationship flooding back. "my ex-boyfriend," you reply tersely.

geto's fingers stop their tracing, and he lets out a low, almost imperceptible sigh. "you let your boyfriend do a shitty tattoo on you, and you let him make it his name," he mutters, more to himself than to you. "you practically let him brand you."

“is it your job to be such a bitchy artist?” you snap, already fed up by his comments. you’ve heard it from your parents, your friends, ever since you got that trashy tattoo. but couldn't disagree with that sentiment — you knew it was a shit tattoo. “i thought i was paying you for your artistry, not your smart mouth.”

"listen," he growls, his voice low and dangerous. "you walk in here with that god awful mess on your skin, and you've got the nerve to criticise my attitude? if you want to be rid of it, you'll do well to keep that attitude in check, sweetheart."

you bite back a retort, realising that you've indeed crossed a line with your comment. there's a palpable tension in the air now, a simmering anger beneath the surface, and it seems that geto has no intention of backing down.

with a deep breath, you swallow your pride and offer a reluctant apology. "i'm sorry," you mutter, a touch of remorse in your voice. "i shouldn't have snapped at you."

he continues to hold your gaze for a moment, his expression still stern, before finally nodding. "apology accepted."

you didn’t actually have an idea of what you wanted for the cover up, you just knew you needed it gone. geto was a highly sought out cover artist so you had no doubt that he’d be able to do you good. with your initial meeting being heated, you thought it was best to leave him to do his thing.

with a sense of relief that the confrontation has subsided, you decide to give geto some space to work his magic. "i'll leave you to it," you say, your voice quieter now, and you turn away from him.

"good," he mutters, his focus fully on his ipad as he starts to sketch, not even looking as you leave the shop. 

geto usually was quick to draw up tattoo sketches for clients, but when it came to you he was stunned — too busy thinking about how your ass looked rather than what he was meant to tattoo on it. from the moment you stepped in his shop, he was intrigued, you didn’t see the type to get work done by him and the marking stretched on your ass didn’t seem like it would belong to someone with an attitude like yours. 

his mind was anything but focused on the design. he couldn't help but replay the encounter with you in his thoughts, your brashness and the way you'd stood your ground, even under his scrutiny.

"why the hell did she get that shitty tattoo?" he mutters to himself, his fingers deftly working his pen. the sketch was beginning to take shape, but his mind kept drifting back to the curve of your ass. he couldn't deny the attraction he felt, and it frustrated him. he was supposed to be a professional, detached from his clients beyond the art he created on their skin. but something about you had thrown him off balance.

“so you ready to get this tatted on you?” is the first thing he asks when you return the following day. you inspect his sketches in awe, of course you never doubted his talent but you didn’t think he’d be able to draw something you wanted without you even having to say.

“well it seems you do live up to your reputation,” you comment with a neutral facade, but you both know that you were downplaying your excitement — you were pleased. and like with any client, that made geto satisfied that he was doing his job correctly. but when he saw the way your eyes lit up when he initially showed you the sketches, it was a sight he wanted to see again. “i guess we can start the tattoo.”

“okay i’ll get my stuff set up, get rid of those,” he says nodding towards your jeans, “and lay down when you’re ready.” you slip yourself out of your bottoms, leaving the itty bitty thong that you knew you’d need for the appointment and that a small part of you hoped he liked.

he pauses when he sees you laying down on the seat in his station, your head resting in your arms, your ass slightly raised.  ‘this is gonna be a long session,’ he thinks to himself as he smirks, shaking his head as he works his way to his seat.

as he sits down, he places the stencil over your ass, and you berate yourself for getting giddy at the feeling of him rubbing over the design to make sure it was in place — wishing that his hand stayed for longer. 

“how are you with pain?” he asks, and from the way you were laying you weren’t able to see the way he was gawping at your ass.

“what type of pain?” you retort.

“y’know the type of pain where someones drilling into your ass for hours,” he comments as if it’s obvious but you both knew his words were hinting at more than just the tattoo.

“choice words there,” you muse, “but any type of pain i’m alright with, so give me your best.”

geto's needle hovers just above your skin, poised for action. "you sure about that?" he murmurs, his voice low and suggestive.

a coy smile tugs at your lips as you respond, "I can handle it if you can."

with a deliberate, almost tantalising slowness, he lowers the needle to your skin. the first touch is a sharp, stinging sensation, but you refuse to flinch. you're determined to hold your own, to meet geto's challenge head-on.

he continues to work, the needle dancing across your skin with a practised precision. the room is filled with the rhythmic sound of the tattoo machine, creating a hypnotic backdrop to your growing tension.

as minutes turn into hours, you find yourself lost in a strange mixture of pleasure and pain. the pain is undeniable, but there's something oddly exhilarating about it. you steal a glance at geto, his intense focus on his work, and you can't help but wonder if he's enjoying this as much as you are.

"still doing okay?" he asks, his tone a mix of concern and something more primal.

you bite your lower lip, suppressing a moan that threatens to escape. "i told you, i can handle it."

geto smirks, his gaze locked on your ass as he continues to tattoo. "you've got quite the threshold for pain. impressive."

“is it really? i'm sure you’ve worked on a lot of other clients with higher thresholds for pain.”

“but none of them have had an ass like yours though,” he mumbles to himself — but you hear him loud and clear, a grin forming on your face at the confession. “anyways, we’re all done now, go ahead and look in the mirror.”

you stand in the full length mirror, your head slightly turned at an angle as you gawp at your ass. your eyes widen seeing what was once your shitty exes name, now turned into a piece of true art. 

“so what d’you think?” he asks, and you didn’t even notice him coming to stand behind you until you felt his breath on the back of your neck, “this shit is hot right?”

“you can say that again,” you agree, keeping your eyes focused on the tattoo, trying to ignore the quickening of your heart beat at the presence of him, “this is really great though, like i couldn’t imagine my ass could look this good after having that tattooed on on it all his time.”

“well no need to imagine anymore,” geto’s face forms a smiling grin, you can tell he was admiring way more than just his artwork, “you mind if i take a picture… for my instagram?” he says, barely asking as his phone is already out of his pocket and is in his hands, he looks up at you for permission and you give a slight nod before he’s snapping away at your ass.

“are you sure this is for your instagram,” you tease, as he continues to take photos crouched down, as he circles your ass with his phone, “or is this just for your personal wank bank?”

“would you like it to be?” he retorts back swiftly, there wasn’t even any mischief in his eyes as he looks up at you, just pure lust.

“um i–” you stutter, only now feeling exposed — as if he hadn’t been working on your ass already for the past six hours.

“don’t get shy on me now,” he coos, standing up to face you head on, “y’gonna let me finish off making you forget that ex or yours or what?”

“be my guest,” you respond, trying to come across as nonchalant, but the eager look in your eyes gave geto all he needed to know. 

he pushes you softly, as he commands, “hands against the mirror and spread your legs.” and you do just that, as he comes behind you, fitting in between your legs perfectly. his hand forces ur back down, deeping the arch of your spine before both of his hands grab onto your ass.

geto really rubs and digs his thumbs into your cheeks, biting his lip at the sight at the way his fingers mould into your ass. “fuckk man,” he groans out, he’s not even in you yet and he was already obsessed with every inch of you. 

he frees his dick from his pants, and pumps it quickly before sliding it across your already gushing slit. you hiss at the contact, a pleased smile working its way on your face as the tip of his dick edges into you.

“s-shit,” you stammer, as he inches himself into you deeper, “w-what about the rest of the shop?”

“what about them?” he shrugs, “you don’t want them to hear naught you’re being right now? HEY GUYS—”

“oi,” you hiss out, your eyes widening as you turn your head to look directly at him.

“i’m just playing, i’m not ready to share you quite just yet,” he retorts, his dick moving in you at an achingly slow pace, “now, keep your eyes focused on the mirror, and you better not let those hands slip.”

before you can respond, he thrust his hips into you as deep as he could, his dick slamming into you. you moan out at the surprising force, trying your best to keep your palms flat on the surface of the mirror, as you stare straight at him — watching how he works his hands from your ass to your hips so he can drive into you with all of his force. 

“this pussy is s-so fucking good,” he praises, the sloppiness of your cunt making it easy for him to slide his dick in and out of you. “oh and this ass,” he continues giving a hard spank on your ass cheek, to emphasise his point, “c’mon throw your ass back on my dick, i wanna see it bounce.”

you fuck him back, doing exactly as he says, your ass meeting his hips with the same amount of force. his spanks encourage you to be quicker, to give him everything he wants. his repeating, strong strokes, have you feeling weaker, your hands slipping as you try to stay up right, when all you want to do is collapse and cum everywhere. 

“f-fuckk it’s too much,” you whine, as he drills into you.

“nah,” he says, shrugging his head, “it’s not enough,” he lifts up his legs, his digits pressing into your deeper, as he now angles his strokes even further into your pussy, hitting your spot with ease. “give it to me harder, i know you can” he encourages, another two swift spanks landing on your ass.

with his continuous contact of your ass and his hips, and the way his dick pushes into you deeper, you felt like you were splitting in two. but you kept going, thinking back to your earlier conversation, you didn’t want to prove him wrong, you wanted to show him that you can handle it, handle him.

geto was practically beaming, licking his lips feverishly at the sight of your fucked out face through the mirror as he watches himself plough into you, your body rocking forward with every thrust. his eyes concentrate on your ass, as he says, “d’you see how your rocking my work on you now?” and you nod dumbly, too busy trying to reach your climax to string a sentence together, “so fuck that ex of yours and his shitty ass tattooing, from now on you only can me on your body, you got that?” he asks and you nod again, but he shakes his head, his hand moving from your waist to your chin as he grips it making your eyes stay locked on his through the mirror, “i said do you got that?”

“ahhh s-shit yet i do, i do,” you say, mirroring his words, “i will only have you on my body, ‘promise.”

“good girl,” he approves, giving your chin a squeeze before letting go, “now cum.” 

with those simple words, you release all over him, your stance getting weaker, as you shoot out cum all over his dick. he’s quick to pull out of you though, stroking his dick as he sprays his cum all over your ass, with a deep groan.

your hands are still on the wall, as you take deep breaths, trying to recollect yourself. but you turn around swiftly seeing a flash of a camera behind you, and geto is back to crouching down, with his phone out, taking pictures of your cum covered ass.

“you mind if i keep these in my wank bank forreal this time?” he asks, smirking as you nod, “i’ll take some more later, but i got two questions to ask.”

“and those are…” you say, prompting him to continue.

“first, let me take you out after this?” he asks with a smirk, already knowing the answer. after the way he just dicked you down, you’d be a fool not to let him wine and dine you, “second, y’gonna come suffocate my face with that ass of yours or not?” you couldn’t even answer the second question since he’s pulling you down to the floor with him, with a joyous grin on his face.

AN: IGNORE THE FACT THAT HE CUMS ALL OVER UR FRESH TATTOO. LIKE JUST IGNORE IT. just focus on the fact that you have a lovely ass and geto loves it too. but yes do you want to see more, I HAVE ENOUGH IDEAS TO EVEN MAKE A LIL MASTERLIST FOR IT. I love tattoo artist boyfriend!geto so so much, like when u guys become an established relationship it actually gets so good. BUT I DONT REALLY LIKE THIS ONE, BUT IF U GUYS FW IT I PROMISE ILL ACTUALLY WRITE AND POST THE ONES I LOVE. BUT I FELT LIKE I HAD TO WRITE THIS FIRST SO YOU COULD SEE HOW U AND GETO STARTED. LMK UR THOUGHTS

[billskeis]

Hi! Absolutely love ur work💕💕 Okay so could you write hcs with all four members (separate) that have a quiet/ shy type s/o?

(Sorry that this req is short but my brain is running out of juice rn, love the work, keep it up😘😘)

ᡣ𐭩 tokio hotel w shy s/o

thank u so much! and don’t worry, you’re doing great! let’s appreciate all my shy and quiet homies out there! y’all deserve some more appreciation in your life.

headcannons down below!

bill

loves loves loves that you’re shy, he thinks it’s so cute

usually one to go for loud spontaneous girls but you’re like a stick in the mud, and that drew you to him

since you don’t talk much you’re a really good listener, and bill is known to ramble a lot

appreciates the fact you listen to him attentively

because of how tall he is, loves the fact that whenever you’re out to meet new people you hide behind him, how you have to peak behind his shoulder once he introduces you to his peers or acquaintances and is always holding your hand through it, squeezing it to ensure everything is okay

hand holding in public gets you super shy but bill loves to show you off in any way possible

his love language is definitely words of affirmation, so will out of the blue compliment you to see how you react

hiding your face, not knowing how to respond, running away from him to only catch up to you quickly

he fucking loves that shit

“aww come on baby, am i not allowed to tell you how beautiful you are?”

tom

just like bill, usually goes for spontaneous girls

but when he saw you at the club and how flustered you became when he hit on you, MANS WAS DRAWN INNN

physical touch all the way, makes you insane and knees weak, and he just lives for that

sudden grabs of the waist, hugging, holding your neck gently to swiftly pull you into a kiss

maybe if he’s feeling bold he’ll sneak a hand on your ass

the eye contact goes crazy, once you look at him and he catches you, he’ll never break his gaze

finds it super adorable that you’re always the one to break the stare down, laughs and pats your head always afterwards

omgosh loves and i mean fucking loves it when you hide yourself in his clothes especially his sweaters when he’s wearing them how you’ll just tuck yourself into the sweater bodies pressed together engulfing like FUCK do this more often he loves it

whenever you go out to get food, you’re shyness doesn’t allow you to take to service workers so he always offers to order for you, eventually it becomes a habit and does it himself

“how’s that baby, i made sure to get your coffee just how you like it.. oh me? a coca cola!”

gustav

introvert x introvert ALL THE WAYY BABEYYY

the way you and gustav show affection for one another usually comes from physical touch or acts of service

communicating with each other isn’t hard, it’s almost like a spidey sense where you just know what the other person wants or needs and can simply do that for them

expect soo many cuddles, movie marathons and baking/cooking sessions, gustav loves to cook and bake with you, the playlist on in the background that the two of you curated for one another simply enjoying each other’s company is enough for the both of you

on the other hand, if you guys wanted to step out of the comfort zone to go outside on a date, expect to play rock paper scissors to see who has to talk to someone to either order food or request a table at a restaurant

you and gustav can also have one on one sessions with each other deep conversing, talking about anything and everything

can immediately notice when you’re uncomfortable or feeling way too shy or nervous in situations

will either step up, say something, or simply bring you somewhere else where it’s now just the two of you

if you tell and express to him how you feel, will fully listen to you, holding your hands together caressing them

“i understand.. we can either leave, or if not, you can sit next to me! i’m right here with you.

georg

is the biggest shit ever

even more than tom, loves to tease you, you can find him tapping your shoulder and running away leaving you confused or whenever you compliment or tell him you love him will make you repeat it loud and clear

but if it comes to that case, will have to beat the shit out of someone if they make a comment about how shy or quiet you are

not much of a talker, but when he does find himself talking a lot more than you in conversations always asks what you think and what your opinion on it is

does it solely just to hear you speak because he loves your voice and doesn’t get to hear it enough ugh y/n what’s wrong w u??

expect him to rest his arm on your shoulder, head on chin, and bear hugs, he thinks that just because you’re quiet he treats you as if you were someone smaller than him

but he this is just how he publicly shows how in love with you he is

constantly compliments you on how you look, the outfits you wear, how good you are at things vice versa nd that

but you finally snap back at him and compliment him even further and woah honey you have him in a chokehold rn

“fuck, i didn’t expect you to say that, can you say it again? please? i wanna’ hear it one more time..”

[scorpiobabylon]

So I’m very autistic about music and I loved how succession made Kendall’s music taste have so much character and be so accurate to who he is and who he thinks he is, which made me start thinking about the other siblings listening to music. I just cannot imagine it. I can’t imagine Roman putting on his little AirPod and opening up a Spotify playlist or putting on posters in his room for a certain thing. The idea of shiv being into drill and grime is extremely funny to me. I think connor tells Alexa to put on slow old Spanish ballads blasting (at an appropriate volume) through every floor of his desert house and Willa wears noise cancelling headphones constantly. I just can’t decide if Roman has an obscenely normal man music taste (like what plays in gyms) or if he actually cares about music. And then I listened to horse foreplay again and I need to make a playlist for it so basically: what do you think Roman would listen to?

incredible message. oh man. for one, connor genuinely seems like a music lover because that’s in line with his situation being the only sibling to genuinely enjoy the spoils of wealth and just stuff generally. he also has that fleetwood mac line at tom’s bachelor party, and famously karaokes a fucking leonard cohen song. love him.

kendall’s music taste is central to his character, we all know what ken’s taste is (or at least i think we do, i have seen some very funny “ken listens to this” mixes. they should resemble the intern-curated obama end-of-year picks LOL). shiv i have no idea about, but i wouldn’t be surprised if she had some appreciation for whatever dad liked if dad ever bothered to point something out. i don’t think she listens to florence + the machine though be serious you guys just see a girl with red hair…………….

my personal read on roman’s whole Deal is that he has the least “life of his own” of the siblings. even his reputation / the rumors about him (that he’s a playboy who loves coke) are the least accurate to his actual behavior and preferences (esp when contrasted with ken’s public takedowns which hurt his feelings precisely Because they’re often true). it’s difficult for me to imagine roman having strong personal taste in….. pretty much anything, even when he sees his choices symbolically (“i want steak” speech in america decides). in the end, roman is most interested in cultivating an image of himself that is going to be the most protective of his true desire for authenticity and connection, but we know that he has no idea what to do with himself when he is confronted with an opportunity to actually “express himself”.

all this to say, it is very difficult for me to imagine roman sincerely enjoying music/art without a level of detachment, irony, or jokey judgement. if he likes certain sounds, i couldn’t see him singing along like kendall in the backseat. maybe a handful of songs are nostalgic for him, maybe some post-hardcore (…. fugazi….. honestly……) or even MAYBE some britpop or eurodance from the european half of his childhood. he wouldn’t allow himself true sentimentality with it though. he certainly knows all of the lyrics to a few songs bc he’s very In the World, esp culturally impactful songs, but he just seems like a guy who fucking hates bohemian raphsody. he knows who the pinball wizard is but i can viscerally feel his frown at hearing the baba o’reilly opener in a shop. he simply would never admit to loving a band, let alone buy a t-shirt! (i think i get a little annoyed generally with assumptions about roman that cast him as even a little bit twee just because he’s silly. look at how he actually dresses. this man would not paint his nails or have a charm on his phone. you’re thinking of kieran culkin!)

anyway this is my fav horse foreplay fanmix by @gotouda just bc it’s bursting with songs that are simply About Romtom. full of stuff me a young millennial gay person listens to so i play it a lot lol. there’s also an unsettled/upsetting undercurrent to some of these choices that matches the tone of the fic PRECISELY!!!! i have no idea how someone would go about building a mix based on romtom AND character taste just bc it is nigh impossible for me to picture roman roy listening to a song BECAUSE it reminds him of tom.

tom on the other hand…………….. that’s elton john, that’s ABBA, that’s broadway original cast recording, that’s george michael, that’s adele. ok

[doobea]

dooby ! hello mi luv hehe i hope u are doin’ vv well and hope u don’t mind if i sneak my way into ur mailbox ૮꒰ྀི⊃⸝ ⸝ ⸝⊂꒱ྀིა i saw your taggies on the sae post i tagged u in ‘n i have 2 say i need moar of your lil’ thoughts of sae ! honestly the itoshi brothers jus’ give me da vibes of sour patch kids ૮ ꒰˶ - ࡇ •˶꒱ ა first they’re sour then they’re sweet (they also have da emotional capacity of da sour patch kids i swearrr!)

hehe hello!! u can stop by my inbox anytime kayla!!

and omg yea i have a lot to say abt sae ... and i guess rin too - both brothers are so emo and grumpy but so soft at the same time... but lets focus on sae first.. i made a similar post a while back regarding my headcanons of him being a softie but let's do both a personal/relationship 'deep-ish dive'.

even tho we haven't had his background story yet i think we all kinda know that he probably didn't have the best time in spain - i think in the manga ego touched a lil bit on this that young prodigies often get ahead of themselves and place themselves on such high pedestals that they crash and burn when they're actually surrounded by pro players. and most likely happened to sae. which leads to him redoing his whole career goal and then focusing all his time on proving to others that he does belong in their world (pro football) for the next several years aboard. comes back as a totally new, edgier self and doesn't know anything but his worth in football.

and i agree that he lacks major social skills (the way he talked to the JFU officials and other pro-strikers - but i hope to god he's nice to women tho... LOL). i think he just says whatever comes to mind first?? even if those thoughts are very crude and blunt.

but when it comes to people he likes (aka i still think he cares about rin to a degree ... doesn't show it outright??) i think he definitely has harsher expectations of them. says mean things but he wants them to become better versions of themselves. he doesn't really know how to give compliments/advice like a regular person.

i mentioned this in the tags but sae isn't good w his words so i think he mainly expresses his intentions through actions. but he's going to be a bit awkward w his actions obviously. doesn't let a lot of people into his personal life, probably locks every emotion away from the people he works with, and struggles with being expressive.

starts off with longing stares across the room -> trying to time his schedule to match with yours -> 'accidentally' brushing hands -> he sneaks your favorite drink/snack on your table before you get in -> acts disinterested whenever you ask him for help but secretly celebrating inside

i see him ultimately as a gentle bully partner hehe he'll be a bit more forward about his emotions the more comfortable he gets around his partner. doesn't sugarcoat his thoughts and will just give his opinion straight there. gets a lot bolder with his actions too, and probably says the most heart-swooning lines with a straight face.

doesn't really 'plan' dates?? i feel like he's more like 'yeah we can check this place out' walks around some more and 'oh lets see whats over there' and so forth. def open to exploring new places and more of a sightseer versus an activity person (at least in my head).

and omg i do have a playlist dedicated to the guy too but here are some songs i think are so him when in a relationship: Oceans & Engines by NIKI (big big big one!!), Sugar by Brockhampton, Snow on the Beach by Taylor and Lana (i know you have this song for you and isagi in ur selfship lore hehe), Die for You by Joji, and Love me Like That by Sam Kim (i beg of u to listen and agree w me).

ok ok last bullet point but i wanna jot down what things remind me of sae (or rather types of things he'll do whether by himself or in a relationship) before i end haha - hiking/kayaking, has a mini wine cooler probably, making curated playlists for each other, goes out of his way to buy you medicine and food the moment you say you're feeling unwell, kinda cooks but also kinda sucks at it, very big on cuddles and praising you, forehead kisses/forehead bumps, also a cheek pinch type of guy, food cart >> fancy restaurants, hates arguing but doesn't really know how to resolve them without getting slightly defensive/coming off as detached, loves having deep convos with you late night until he falls asleep mid-sentence.

ok yup thats it. im normal abt him >:(

[virtue-and-beneviolence]

Hiii, I saw your self-ship ask event and omg, it's so cute! Anyway, I wanted to ramble about me and none other than Ran Haitani (doing so makes me really happy and warm) Thank you so much for doing this event :")

I'm allergic to showing the people I like/love that I like/love them. So this means I can be kinda "tsundere" in a way as a panic response when someone notices that I like them? It goes a little like this:

Person: "Aww, you did [favor] for me! Are you going soft for me?"

Me: "I only did it because I had nothing else to do." (lying)

You can already see how that'll go with Ran lmao. I feel like he'd just smile and say "If you say so~" because he can see right through me.

I'm the type to do something drastic when I get really angry. While me and Ran are both generally calm people, he's the calmer one of the two of us. I'm all rational and reasonable until I get angry which is why it's Ran who has to hold me back.

I don't know what to do with myself when someone shows romantic interest in me. If someone is trying to hint that they like me in that way, I will act like the most dense motherfucker ever. Giggling at the thought of Ran being entertained at first and then getting frustrated the longer it goes on.

I'm likely to write/make art about the people I love. (I may or may not have written poems and created concept playlists about Ran) That's one of my love languages along with Quality Time and Acts of Service, I guess. I never show the poems and artworks to my muses, though. I would die before I ever do that lol. I think Ran would have a knack for finding my work and knowing when it's about him. I'll never hear the end of it.

I'm down for just sitting in silence or napping together which I bet Ran would be very happy to do. I feel like we can both stop caring about being interesting when together alone and just exist.

I don't have a playlist but the songs that give me the most Ran feels are:

Don't Delete the Kisses - Wolf Alice

Tokyo Love Hotel - Rina Sawayama

R.E.M. - Ariana Grande

That's all, thank you!

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◇─◇──◇── @tenjikubaby  x Ran! ──◇──◇─◇

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A second birthday special! Happy birthday!

□ Ran adores your playlists and lets you curate the music on every drive you take together. Sometimes he listens closely to the lyrics and will tease you if there's a chance you're playing it because it reminds you of him.

□ Ran doesn't snoop. He doesn't! But sometimes he does drop a sketchbook/notebook and he happens to notice a doodle of a person that looks suspiciously like him. And sometimes he likes to pull poem books off the shelf to take a peek at any loose leaf sheets poking out.

□ He wishes sometimes that he could express his feelings that way for you, but he opts instead for tugging you to bed to cuddle and nap. You can usually guess he's found something when he gets EXTRA physically clingy <3.

□ Ran also loves quality time, I think it might be one of his top two love languages. You know, he's such a gossip lol. I think he loves to spend chatty time before naps, arms wrapped around your back, tugging you to half lay on him,,,

□ I feel like Ran loves PDA and doing silly grand gestures that he knows fluster you. Eventually he gets a feel for the lines he cannot cross, but honestly, here and there, his antics (a little slap to your ass in front of the guys or a big dramatic sign and flowers to pick you up at any public transport or event.

□ He will scoop you up and leave kisses up and down your face and you'll be blushing FURIOUSLY and you probably pull him by his hand to leave as quickly as possible because such histrionics are probably uncomfortable for you (same tho)

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Consider Ran (before you're together) having a week where he get's frustrated with the chase. And you part on rocky terms. But through it all, my god he's really genuinely grown so attached to you and he needs to find a way to fix stuff. For ease, lets assume he has some myspace/discord portal to see what you're listening to and he finds you listening to don't delete the kisses on repeat. He leaves a note in you bag the next time you see him, he leaves a note in his weirdly neat handwriting:

"Get over it and take me out.

It's meant for you.

-r"

It's the most romantic this he's done and that he may ever do but shit. Maybe it won't be too hard to hit him up at least....casually...right?

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Come make my day, tell me about your self ship, and get some hcs of your own.

[bookwyrminspiration]

tam and linh being the opposite of what their outward persona is inside (tam: angsty/surly->an absolute sweetheart; linh: absolute sweetheart-> pessimist?/trying her best) anyways so sophie introduces them into human music (bc they’re yk, Songs) and she expects Tam to like the heavy metal, but no, it’s linh! bc it’s a way to express what she feels/hears on the inside w the constant sound of the water just, screaming at her, and her wanting to scream back but -t1sb (pt1)

(pt2) she cant scream back bc she has to be sweet and calm and quiet or everyone else would be right ab her just being a violent Hydrokinetic who only knows the destruction of water, but she can scream they the harsh lyrics and it brings her a freedom she’s longed for. and then Tam mildly enjoys punk rock, but mainly the soft sweet songs, or the quiet sad songs where he can just sit and reflect and relate and be at peace and relax -t1sb

Oh I love every part of this! Characters who subvert your expectations of who they are and turn out to be both in part what you expected but with quirks opposite how you think they'd behave are so much fun. Tam being so intense becomes his intense compassion, protective streak, and gentleness towards those he's let get close to him. Linh's open and kind nature becomes her motivation for talking back and fighting and levels of destruction no one else is capable of.

I think on top of the heavy metal being a kind of screaming that Linh can do without proving everyone right, without causing destruction by giving into the pull of the water, it could be a sort of distraction. When the water isn't pulling her to flood everything in anger but is just there and won't leave her alone and she's not getting upset over it but really doesn't want to have to fight against it, she turns the volume up and then the call of the water is drowned out by the screaming. She doesn't need to scream along then, just lets it overpower the call until she can't hear it anymore and doesn't have to fight against it.

It's both protection and release, a distraction and an outlet. When she screams the lyrics she's focusing on something entirely different than the commands the water is trying to give her, the ones she wants to give herself over to.

Then Tam!! When you said the quiet sad songs I just started nodding along because you're right! He's so angry and guarded all the time so why would he want to carry that over into his music? He needs a chance to relax, to unwind, to just let himself feel like and feel the quiet without having to put on a mask for anyone else. Because his persona is part of his defense, and he can let that down when listening to music because it's just him. it's quiet and gentle, two things he's missing in his life. And it's an acknowledgement of everything messed up that he's gone through, that it's okay to be sad about it and that's it's an appropriate reaction!

He's on guard like all the time but the soft songs? They're soothing, they help with his anxiety and his worries about everything. Bittersweet, downright sad, hopeful, anything goes. Just the soothing tone is what he's looking for.

These both fit with their characters so well! Absolutely splendid ideas for both of them I am now wondering what kinds of playlists they'd curate.

[kangjaehee]

jaehee playlist musical analysis

hi today i decided to explain every song in this jaehee character playlist because it was Very Carefully Curated and every single song REALLY means something and bc i just want to.

I made this playlist entirely 100% based on the lyrics and message of the songs more than Anything else. The arrangement doesn't make musical sense, but it's all in the words. I didn't pick songs I believe she'd listen to or songs based on Vibe. Actually idk how many of them here fit this criteria. But think of the entire playlist as like... a jukebox musical of her character arc in an indie pop & co. soundtrack.

It’s long. There’s 46 songs. Here we go.



TRACK 01: ABBEY - MITSKI.

Okay so this is her in a song I think. It summarizes most of the Original Struggle, and because it is so general I figured it'd be a perfect opening track.

I am hungry / I have been hungry / I was born hungry / What do I need? - She's missing something and doesn't know what it is. She’s constantly expressing dissatisfaction with her life, says she wants more without really saying it, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to advance forward.”

There is a dream that I sometimes see / That only appears in the dark of sleep - Wants more but refuses to acknowledge it. The dream only shows up when she's truly alone with herself.

This is repeated and deepened all throughout the song, even acknowledging her desire to be "set free" at the end.

TRACK 02: MIRRORBALL - TAYLOR SWIFT.

"I will be whatever you want me and need me to be to make myself useful" but told very romantically. I do still headcanon that, in the past, she might've taken a more literal version of the attitude described in the song.

I've never been a natural / All I do is try, try, try / I'm still on that trapeze / I'm still trying everything / To keep you looking at me - a forced hand, there's an intent to belong or to get a reaction. Now apply this, instead of relationships, to the world of career.

TRACK 03: STAY SOFT - MITSKI.

Another song that dives more into the past. Talks about bottling up one's emotions, the hardening of one's heart for survival purposes. Drowning out anger, or fear, or sadness. Going into deep meta territory, perhaps even being willing to carry other people's strong emotions, but never yours. In many ways, I think this song describes how she dealt with grief. A sort of misplaced anger turned to numbness.

Fury, pure and silver / You grip it tight inside / Like a knife / It glints in your eye - She says in an opportunity that she resented her parents, held this anger at them... for dying. Of course, she was young then, so this was born out of immaturity and out of wanting to blame someone for her resentment at her situation, I would guess. She's more mad at destiny, at the world for this having been the deck of cards she's been dealt. At least, that's how I see it.

Open up your heart / Like the gates of hell - so, this association. Seeing the opening up of oneself and reveal of feelings as a sort of sacrifice for Reasons. I won't go deep into this now, there's other songs that touch it.

You stay soft, get beaten / Only natural to harden up - the ONLY way u can get shit done in the world is if you minimize your feelings and not let yourself drown in them. A conclusion she naturally came to. Somehow, she managed an almost healthy looking unemotionality. I think this aspect of her character is very up for debate. Whether she's made peace with her past, or if the undercurrent of anxiety driving her every turn reveals otherwise.

TRACK 04: THIS IS HOME - CAVETOWN.

Ah so this is the stockholm syndrome song. But not really stockholm syndrome-- more like being caged in a situation you know is bad for you (the c&r job), but not wanting to leave because you fear what would happen if you do, so you instead try to love it. That's how I interpret it in this context. Almost every lyric here points to something specific in her story, so here we go:

Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess / This avoids the stress of falling out of it - "Love interferes with my career but honestly I've had so many issues with it that I don't really mind giving it up."

Are you tired of me yet? / I'm a little sick right now but I swear / When I'm ready I will fly us out of here - There's like this anxiety she feels about her personality, whatever she has to bring that isn't directly related to being tangibly useful to a person. No confidence in her charm. basically.

I'll cut my hair / To make you stare / I'll hide my chest - considering the context this would be more like "i'll cut my hair to not make you stare." Sort of an okay I'll do what you ask me to... "Chest" here in this context I think of it as heart. I'll hide what I feel.

Time is / Slowly / Tracing his face / But strangely he feels at home in this place - This is the acceptance of situation. Stress and sacrifice are becoming visible in her appearance, but this situation, however awful, is beginning to feel like a home to her.

TRACK 05: 6/10 - DODIE

Okay so anxiety and insecurity part 200!!! Coming back to the insecurity about her personality, that she has nothing to offer in a friendship context to a new person, feels like nothing makes her interesting or remarkable.

Can you see the panic inside? / I'm making you uneasy, aren't I? - We see this a lot especially in the beginning stages of the game, her almost being too careful with the mc, not wanting to cause discomfort. It's almost like she's waiting for you to allow her to be.

Is there pity for the plain girl? - Plainness here is of personality. It has a "sorry for being myself" feeling to it.

TRACK 06: 4AM - GIRL IN RED.

I Don't like her, but hey if the song fits... anyway this is THE undercurrent of anxiety, having too many doubts about your own performance, having to face the world but not feeling internally ready to.

TRACK 07: TEEN IDLE - MARINA

Anyway sooo back to the past! Or my interpretation of it! This one, When, Stay soft, and mirrorball are kind of all my meta take on who she was. Teen idle is saying "damn I wish I actually lived through my teenage years, or my whole youth, for that matter." I definitely believe this was a little bit of who she was, and that she Would have listened to this at 15.

I wanna drink until I ache / I wanna make a big mistake / I want blood, guts, and angel cake - wanting to break from her front of perfection and model student behavior to know what it feels like.

TRACK 08: WHEN - LIVE - DODIE

Our next stop in this journey to the past: whatever the fuck went on in her relationships. Also known as the comphet song. A nostalgia for who she used to be, but also regret for how it's shaped her. She wants to be in love, but can't get satisfaction from it, and is afraid of running out of time, of missing her chances. Misdirection.

I think I've been telling lies / 'Cause I've never been in love / Everyone falls for the sunshine disguise / Distracted by who they're thinking of - No, she hasn't even been in love, we get as much from... everything she does in her route when it comes to her relationship with MC, starting by not being able to recognize what she feels.

I'll take what I can get / 'Cause I'm too damp for a spark / Kissing sickly sweet guys / 'Cause they say they like my eyes / But I'd only ever see them in the dark - Flings for the sake of flings. Getting with people because she wants the feeling, but can't somehow get it, does it more for them than for herself. Again, comphet song...

I'm waiting to live, and waiting to love / Oh, it'll be over, and I'll still be asking when - Afraid that life will pass her by if she doesn't hurry up and live, afraid of not having the experiences she dreams of having.

TRACK 09: THE MAN - TAYLOR SWIFT.

The first song here that truly deals with her feelings when it comes to her job, and mostly people not taking her seriously because she's a woman. The entire justification for this being here is in that one moment where she's assigned as the leader of that coffee project and no one in the team is giving her the due respect.

TRACK 10: REAL MEN - MITSKI.

This one's also related to her job, but mostly about how she's forced to hide her feelings to be able to do anything, reinforcing a long-standing behavior. The constant clash she seems to have with Jumin of him trying to be 100% logical and her trying to get him to accept that people have Feelings and sometimes those Interfere, because maybe she's learned that the hard way.

Real men don't need other people / And real men suck it in / Real men don't flinch or bleed in public / Oh, I think I'm a real man - Superego message of you shouldn't show your feelings, it's not right or proper, you shouldn't have needs. Be completely self sufficient.

TRACK 11: FEELINGS ARE FATAL - MXMTOON.

This one's very self explanatory and goes with the other one. Hiding struggle behind a facade, and not trusting anyone to actually reveal what's under, but at the same time almost being afraid of what would happen then. That is, kind of, how she approaches opening up to MC.

TRACK 12: A BURNING HILL - MITSKI.

A lot of this playlist is mitski. There are a lot more songs. Anyway, this is disillusionment. Acceptance of her situation, back to what This Is Home is trying to say but with much more substance. She's tired, and she's numb.

And I'll go to work and I'll go to sleep / And I'll love the littler things / I'll love some littler things - Hopeless acceptance, focusing on the small because the large is already screwed and she doesn't know how to un-screw it.

TRACK 13: BEST FRIEND - REX ORANGE COUNTY.

This is the start of what I call the romance arc of the playlist... the moment in the story when she begins to go oh god oh fuck i'm having Wierd Feelings. This song could go two ways-- her POV in the "i want to be your favorite person in the planet and idk how to be anything else so let's be friends," and the MC's in the "I want you as more than a friend but we're still fine as long as we're close but just know that's  not where my heart lies." But since this is a Jaehee playlist, not a mcjaehee playlist...

TRACK 14: COFFEE - BEABADOOBEE.

The love is stored in the homemade latte. I feel like acts of service is somewhere high up there in her love languages list - I will love you, I will care for you, I will make you coffee just how you like it. You're my safe place. I feel like this captures the vibes of the kinda relationship that happens in her route really well.

TRACK 15: I WANT YOU - MISTKI.

"I want you but I can't say it and/or don't know how to", that's what this song is trying to say in this context. All of the unsaid is beginning to suffocate. And listen, I'm not a reset theory enthusiast... but you can really let your imagination fly in that context with this one.

I want you / I hold one card / That I can't use / But I want you - There could be many reasons as to why she can't use the card, but the general message is an "I can't say it" type beat.

'Cause I just need a quiet place / Where I can scream / How I love you - "I need to find a way to let out these feelings that I can't, for some reason, allow myself to let out."

TRACK 16: D-1 - LOONA.

This one kinda follows everything the last few ones have set up, but it's more like... her watching her feelings change as she talks more and more with MC. A lot of the lyrics here remind me of stuff she said in calls. Also, this really fits in the "we exist in different dimensions/universes" theory of mysme...

How you like me now? - "I think I'm getting greedy now. I want you to like me more."

For now I’ll take just one step closer, closely slowly - "I'll approach very slowly... I am very patient" idk what she says here actually i can't remember haven't played this game in months.

TRACK 17: FALLINGFORYOU - THE 1975.

Very self explanatory, I don’t wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck, but also the vibe here is you're talking with someone in the middle of the night and realizing there's maybe more. Her calls in the later days of the route, all the more revealing ones happen late into the night.

TRACK 18: COME INTO THE WATER - MITSKI.

I think this accurately describes how she approaches love - with caution, with patience, once again almost waiting for a confirmation, please like me too.

Are you waiting to touch me? / You look so good, but I keep my hands / 'Til you come into the water - I want you, but I'm waiting for you to show me you want me too. Almost a not wanting to make a mistake here.

But would you tell me if you want me? / 'Cause I can't move until you show me - "show me how to love you. show me the way. i'm new to this."

I didn't know I had a dream / I didn't know until I saw you - cheesy ass line I know but basically... mc did show her the way to her dreams somewhat so like...

TRACK 19: HEAVEN - TROYE SIVAN.

So the overlap between faith, institutionalized religion, and how that clashes with the self. She clearly operates under a crap ton of internalized homophobia. And no, I don't think most of it is due to religion, I think most of it is knowing she'll be rejected by the world around her, but knowing Catholicism... I'm sure at least some of it is.

TRACK 20: SHAME - MITSKI.

Follows along the same path of the last one. There's guilt surrounding desires. Also this could be like... a secret relationship "no one knows but us" type beat, which I think is a narrative Cheritz tries to push.

TRACK 21: CLASS OF 2013 - MITSKI.

So... grief, that's all. "I wish my life was easier I wish I sometimes didn't have to fight so hard I wish I didn't have to grow up so quickly and could still dream." Segway from this last arc and into the new one.

TRACK 22: SHE USED TO BE MINE - JESSIE MUELLER (WAITRESS MUSICAL).

Ah so this is another of the main songs.... a LOT of her story is mirrored here. Mainly the "I lost myself along the way and now I don't know how to be happy." This is that scene when Zen gives her the present.

It's not simple to say / Most days I don't recognize me - Considering she had to quite literally change her appearance to be where she's at, this is likely. also, "I don't know who I am."

She is hard on herself / She is broken and won't ask for help / She is messy but she's kind / She is lonely most of the time - I'm not sure if messy, but everything else here checks out. She doesn't allow herself to ask for help, she pushes through, surrenders to loneliness, pushes herself to the highest of standards, it's all or nothing.

She is gone but she used to be mine - She's not who she used to be. She's lost herself somewhere along this path.

It's not what I asked for / Sometimes life just slips in through a back door / And carves out a person / And makes you believe it's all true / And now I've got you / And you're not what I asked for - The person in question could be her or Jumin-- in a call she opens up about how the qualities associated with her at the office are not the values her parents taught her.

Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised / And gets used by a man who can't love - More like woman who can't love, we could talk about her aunt here... she's been hurt by many, both intentionally and unintentionally.

And then she'll get stuck and be scared / Of the life that's inside her / Growing stronger each day / 'Til it finally reminds her / To fight just a little / To bring back the fire in her eyes / That's been gone but it used to be mine - She feels that dissatisfaction growing, every day more and more impossible to ignore, reminding her of that desire she used to have, until it finally comes back.

This song is kind of a pivotal moment, the catapult into the next arc of the playlist where she fights to get her life back. This is day 9 onwards.

TRACK 23: 9 TO 5 - DOLLY PARTON.

So there were other moments in the playlist that described her career situation to a certain degree, but this next little section does so with more clarity. Starting with this one: a little fun pop break about the frustrations of the workforce, sacrificing yourself daily while aching for more.

TRACK 24: ARE YOU SATISFIED? - MARINA.

Okay so this one takes what the last one just said and goes okay so that's the reality... now are you happy with that? Like honestly?

I was pulling out my hair / The day I got the deal, chemically calm / Was I meant to feel happy that my life / Was just about to change? - I imagine her learning she got the job at c&r, and knowing she's finally made it, feeling actually the opposite of ecstatic, relieved of a pressure. An "okay. we made it. that was tough but we're here now."

Are you satisfied with an average life? / Do I need to lie to make my way in life? - This is doubt starting to come in. The "is this truly what you want?

High achiever, don't you see? / Baby, nothing comes for free / They say I'm a control freak / Driven by a greed to succeed / Nobody can stop me - I feel like this is the image she shows the world, who people thinks she is: capable, cutthroat, on top of her shit. Which is true on a certain level, except that she doesn't have any real ambition other than like... making it thru the day and feels stuck in her current position.

TRACK 25: WORKING FOR THE KNIFE - MITSKI.

Goes on with what the last song said, now exposing the true reality of her situation, how she really feels about it - we're working from the knife, something that can be threatening, deadly. This job, however shiny, is killing her slowly, and she's beginning to realize that.

I always thought the choice was mine / And I was right, but I just chose wrong / I start the day lying and end with the truth / That I'm dying for the knife - idk yall but I imagine young fresh out of high school jaehee extremely motivated about the direction her life seems to be taking, with everything she wants within reach. Yes, the choice was hers and yes, she chose wrong. Now, how do you move on from that?

TRACK 26: DRUNK WALK HOME - MITSKI.

There's almost a giving up here. Pure hatred for the system. This is a vent.

For I'm starting to learn I may never be free / But though I may never be free / Fuck you and your money / I'm tired of your money - She knows this system is inescapable, this is her life, she'll be in this forever, yet hates it. The "fuck you and your money" specifically I relate back to every single moment she complained at Jumin's financial compensation as "forgiveness" for making her do hefty extra work.

TRACK 27: MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - ABBA.

I Hate Capitalism song number 200. Yeah this is just an ugh I can't believe the world is like this because of greedy rich men who exploit people's skills for their personal gain song.

TRACK 28: I AM NOT A ROBOT - MARINA.

FUCK Real Men I Can't Ignore My Feeling Anymore Unless I Wanna D Word Inside. This song is the MC and Zen @ her, but also her @ her, her @ jumin.

It's okay to say you've got a weak spot / You don't always have to be on top / Better to be hated / Than loved loved loved for what your not - her accepting that these feeling of inadequacy and dissatisfaction, that's she's not actually a machine, are actually okay in the end.

You're lovable, so lovable / But you're just troubled - She's worthy of love and happiness. Yes, nothing around her is perfect, but it can and will be better.

TRACK 29: I WANT TO BREAK FREE - QUEEN.

This song is purely declaratory, the moment where she goes "You know what? I don't want this anymore. I'm going my own way."

I want to break free from your lies / You're so self-satisfied I don't need you - yaassss girlie give jumin a piece of his mind

I've fallen in love / I've fallen in love for the first time / This time I know it's for real / I've fallen in love, yeah - She has, quite literally. This time it is for real.

TRACK 30: LIVE YOUR LIFE - YUNA.

This is her finally acknowledging her own dreams, committing to living for herself.

All my life / My dreams just seem so far away / And now it's like / They're here to stay / I hold it close to me - the moment she decides she likes the reignites passion and doesn't want to let it go for anything.

TRACK 31: READY NOW - DODIE.

Kinda takes us back thru the whole journey to how far she's got. She's ready now. Pretty much the ENTIRE song describes her relationship with mc.

You saw through me / All this time / I'd forgotten / People are kind - Many times she muses about how MC is one of the few people she's met that have been this kind to her, how she understood her and defended her.

You said, "I will listen / Tell it all / When you're finished / We'll talk more" / But I didn't know how / So we took it in turns / And to my surprise / We found my words - With time, Jaehee managed to trust her, even to tell her story to her, revealing things she's carried for a long time.

Something new / Something strange / Ten feet taller / I had changed / I believe you / I'm not wrong / Oh, it suits me / To feel strong - oh don't you love character development. With this newfound dream, comes newfound strength and self confidence.

You said, "I will listen / Tell me it all / You don't like the ending / Then we'll find one that's yours" - Reset theory enthusiasts! This one's for you.

Together, we sang / "I'm ready, now" - One thing about her, there was no way, partner or solo, that she was walking this path alone.

TRACK 32: MY SEA - IU.

This journey she went through, in a way, was sort of an inner child recollection healing type thing. She tells MC she's "broken down her walls and returned her to her childhood." Considering everything that happened since then. it's a big statement to make.

Did that child suffer in pain for such a long time… / …to just become me? / We get further as another day piles up / I don’t think we can ever reconcile / I don’t think it’ll get better - This brings back the themes of She Used to be Mine, the losing oneself, not thinking you'll get that back.

When I was a child / There was a sea that never dried up in my heart / That place is only left with faint traces - You could compare the sea to the drems of her childhood that faded with time and hardship.

I’m free even when I’m swept away and get lost / I won’t close my eyes at the darkness / that traps me anymore / I won’t pretend not to know myself again - After a journey, she finds that passion again, that self which used to be hers.

TRACK 33: PLUTO - SLEEPING AT LAST.

Okay so this is a summary of The Whole Journey, from the perspective of the undercurrent of anxiety that's been driving her through this wrong path - she chose to keep through it out of a now knowing what would happen if she took a turn away from it.

Until one day I had enough / Of this exercise of trust / I leaned in and let it hurt / And let my body feel the dirt - She simply got tired of the bullshit... among other things.

Still I'm pinned under the weight / Of what I believed would keep me safe / Show me where my armor ends / Show me where my skin begins - Well, she was pinned under the weight of a system she believed would keep her safe - however safe it was, it was equal parts suffocating. The last phrase, "show me where my armor ends," could also relate to her emotional openness (or lack thereof).

Like a final puzzle piece / It all makes perfect sense to me / The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity - oh I am human and I am alive and I can do something with all this!!! how nice.

TRACK 34: DOG DAYS ARE OVER - FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE.

Freedom, baby! That's this song. This is day 10, the moment where she takes the leap and lands on the net.

Happiness hit her like a train on a track / Coming towards her stuck still no turning back - This whole ordeal came at her unexpectedly, almost like a crash, though at the most critical moment.

The dog days are over / The dog days are done / Can you hear the horses? / 'Cause here they come - The world better get ready for Kang Jaehee, because she's coming with everything, she's waited a long time for this moment.

TRACK 35: THAT'S MY GIRL - FIFTH HARMONY.

This is like the least deep song here it's a celebration ass shaking song. Everyone's reaction @ her finally Doing It. She worked her ass off for this goddammit.

TRACK 36: SIX - SLEEPING AT LAST.

Ah the enneagram song :). This is the one that best describes the undercurrent of anxiety, her driving force, that will undoubtedly be accompanying her now as well, but now that vigilance will be her ally instead of her enemy: her caution is what will ensure that there's no blocks in the road ahead.

TRACK 37: SHE - JEN FOSTER.

...And we enter the last arc of the playlist! The "I'll finally accept I'm in love and do Something about these feelings" arc, which... we don't see in the story, at least not explicitly... anyways this is a love song. about a girl. that's it really.

TRACK 38: EYES LOCKED, HANDS LOCKED - RED VELVET.

This is the moment at the party: With eyes and hands locked, she makes her proposal to MC. A masked confession. A promise for something longer, larger than what they have officially.

TRACK 39: GIRLS - GIRL IN RED.

Here's where we stray from the canon bc I'm sure this moment happened: the I'm a LESBIAN i am GAY i like GIRLS i am a GIRL who likes GIRLS. acceptance of sexuality. You know the drill. After everything she's been through... it was about time.

TRACK 40: FINALLY // BEAUTIFUL STRANGER - HALSEY

The falling in love for the first time, the finally feeling safe enough to open your heart to another person and reap the rewards that come with that. 

The truth is this / That I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss / And I'm terrified, but I can't resist – Falling in love can be terrifying, and I’d guess by her avoidance of the fact that she is, at least a little.

Beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms / But I think it's finally, finally, finally, finally, finally safe / For me to fall – what i said earlier lmao.

TRACK 41: THE ONLY EXCEPTION - PARAMORE

Builds upon the other song and establishes it, somewhat explaining the reasons why she was so reluctant to love in the first place. 

Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul / That love never lasts / And we've got to find other ways to make it alone / Or keep a straight face – “Relationships are temporary fantasies fabricated by emotions.” There could be a million reasons for her to believe that, from bad past experiences to an adopted belief to rid herself of the pressure of relationships bc lesbianism. Regardless, it’s there. 

And I've always lived like this / Keeping a comfortable distance / And up until now I had sworn to myself / That I'm content with loneliness / Because none of it was ever worth the risk / But you are the only exception – In the end, she sees relationships as a risk and suffers for it. She mentions many times that she still has a desire to be considered as special and irreplaceable by someone, perhaps because she considers herself as ordinary and discardable. And she’s made herself comfortable with this self-imposed, survival-inspired loneliness, until MC came in. 

I've got a tight grip on reality / But I can't let go of what's in front of me here – Romance thrives on fantasy, practicality obstaculizes it. Pisces is the exaltation of Venus and Virgo it’s fall for a reason. Love kind of inspires you to be a little delusional. 

TRACK 42: COFFEE BREATH - SOFIA MILLS. 

omg its The Song i put The Song. Nothing lyrical here for once pure vibes of waking up in a bed together and making coffee. honestly never even paid attention to what this one tries to say. 

TRACK 43: I WILL - MITSKI.

u guys she’s a virgo moon… love as acts of service, love as the act of being taken care of, or taking care of somebody. Honestly I feel she could do either. But I do feel this is her ideal form of emotional connection. 

Everything you feel is good / If you would only let you – this could fr just be Me Projecting lo, but regardless I get the vibe that many times she wants to be validated in her feelings, or in her act of feeling. 

I will see your body bare / And still I will live here – again a vibe i get lol from the all-encompassing connection she says she wants with mc, of revealing every single part of herself to her and still be embraced. a “hello, this is me, these are my many many wounds.” have a place to be able to do that. 

And all the quiet nights you bear / Seal them up with care / No one needs to know they're there / For I will hold them for you – “can I cope with my trauma by sharing this with you and not bottling anything up anymore because I’m suffocating under the pressure of my own dirt.”

TRACK 44: DAYLIGHT - TAYLOR SWIFT. 

This is more headcanon-y and very literal. From messy romantic past to now peace that comes from self-knowledge and self-acceptance. Finally loving someone like you’re supposed to. You could call this a moment of lesbian joy. 

TRACK 45: DRESS - TAYLOR SWIFT. 

babes all in all I think cheritz writes this as a secret relationship and they’re not even chill about that insinuation. It’s super blatant. Every single romantically charged mcjaehee moment happens either subtextually (literally hidden by code) or while they’re literally hidden by some type of cover. That one folder where they’re almost kissing under a sheet. The valentine’s day dlc where they're trapped in a literal closet. And does anyone remember that one halloween choose your own story event where she and mc ended up sharing a ghost costume and it was all special? Yeah. Also, I don’t want you like a best friend.

TRACK 46: ANIMAL - TROYE SIVAN.

I had to somehow end this cohesively and I chose… sex lol. well, insinuated it. It’s not just about letting desire fly free, it’s about the grace of time, about trust. All in all, I think the relationship expressed in her route is one summarized by this concept: I trust you enough to reveal myself to you, and I want you to reveal myself to me. Love as the tearing down of walls, you love somebody by letting them know you. 

Alright that’s it!! If anyone actually read everything then let me say I love you lol. 

[valkyriexo]

How Skz would ask you to be theirs | Hyung Line Maknae line

Chan

He would invite you to a picnic on the beach that he set up himself.

It would take place during the sunset so you could watch it together.

There would be two bouquets of flowers because he couldn't decide which you would like more and didn't want to mess it up.

He has food he cooked himself at the picnic.

He remembers how you like your food and your drinks.

He has the fruit already peeled and cut, so you wouldnt have to do any work

Doesn't let you lift a finger the whole time

Will feed you the food himself.

There's a sign that says, "Can I be your boyfriend?" on it.

Despite this not being your first date, he's still very shy and nervous.

"There's something I've been wanting to ask you," he said, his voice trembling slightly. "I... I really enjoy spending time with you, and... I was wondering if, um, I could... be your boyfriend?"

Minho

Takes you fruit picking.

Offers to help you even though he knows you don't need it.

Can't help but stare at you because you're just so beautiful to him.

Holds your basket for you.

Finds a secluded spot amidst the fruit trees to share a quiet moment together.

Tries to express his feelings through a clumsy compliment about your picking skills.

Picks a special fruit and presents it to you with a shy smile, saying it reminded him of you.

Finally gathers the courage to hold your hand as you walk back to the car, silently hoping you feel the same way.

Confesses by accident.

Only has a few fruits in his basket fruit because he spent more time watching you, trying to contain his shy smile.

As you walked back to the car, you couldn't help but ask him why he hadn't picked more fruit. With a gentle squeeze of your hand, he turned to you, his eyes full of affection, and said, "I'd pick you over any fruit, any day."

Changbin

He would ask you out on a dinner date with incredibly delicious food.

He would shower you with numerous gifts.

He'd give you a teddy bear to "remind you of him."

He showers you with compliments

His heart races whenever he's near you, unable to contain his excitement and admiration.

He listens intently to everything you say, hanging onto your every word as if each one holds a piece of his heart.

He's not afraid to make a fool of himself if it means seeing you laugh

He invents silly nicknames for you, each one more absurd than the last

Despite his intentions to keep it a surprise, he ends up spoiling it over text, before you even go on the date.

To make up for it, he asks you the next day with a heart-shaped box of pizza.

"Will you be my [GF/BF], or is this too cheesy?" he said a playful grin tugging at the corners of his lips as he held the box of pizza open for you. With each word, his heartbeat quickened, a mixture of nervousness and excitement dancing in his chest as he awaited your response.

Hyunjin

It would take place during an art exhibition date that you invited him to.

He'd even coordinate outfits so you could match.

Despite not knowing how to ask you, he would have like three different ways planned to do it.

Regardless, it would be incredibly romantic.

He'd present you with a handmade gift and a handwritten love letter.

He'd also plan to have a bouquet of flowers that spell out "Will you be my girlfriend?" but forget it at home due to how nervous he is.

He'd have a Spotify playlist curated just for you.

As you walk around visiting each room in the exhibition, he would be very quiet, not because he's not interested but because he adores listening to you talk, and you're his favorite piece of art anyway.

He would confess his feelings very shyly.

"Thank you for bringing me here," he says shyly, his cheeks tinged with a hint of pink as he gazes around the gallery. "Yeah, the artwork is very pretty," you reply , your voice soft with admiration. "I'm glad we got to come here together." His eyes meet yours, a sparkle of genuine affection shining within them. "The artwork is pretty, but you're prettier."

*·˚ᑉ³ M.LIST | Ko-Fi | Taglist | Thank you for your support | Consider leaving a comment, reblog or like | © 2024 Valkyriexo  licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 

[whatsonmedia]

Music Monday: Latest Music Tracks of This Week!

Welcome to the ultimate dancefloor experience, meticulously curated by music editor Adam Humphries. Prepare to ignite your soul and unleash your inner groove with this precision-curated playlist. Featuring recently released upbeat tracks, this selection guarantees a non-stop music extravaganza that will leave you breathless. Get ready to dance like there's no tomorrow and embark on an unforgettable week of electrifying beats and unstoppable moves. Let the music be your guide and let the rhythm take control! Africa Oyé announces FULL MUSIC LINE-UP for 2023 Festival in Sefton Park! Eclectic music festival, Africa Oye, is on this summer and is all set to be a celebration of music of all things from African to the wider Disapora. There will be many musical acts who will take centre stage to represent Cuba, Ghana, Colombia and D.R Congo  Taking over Sefton Park for two days this Summer on the 17th and 18th June 2023, artists from Liverpool to Accra, Havana to London musicians both unknown and from TikTok will put on a huge musical extravaganza. Headlining this year's festival are Afrobeat superstar, Seun Kuti (son of Fela Kuti) and pioneering dancehall singer, Tanya Stephens. They are also joined on the line-up by British/Congolese rapper and singer, ZieZie whose addition to the line-up will delight his 100,000+ followers on TikTok.  On 17th & 18th June 2023, thousands in Sefton Park will celebrate the music and culture of Africa with two free days of fantastic music, workshops, DJs, dance, food stalls and a range of traders in the Village. Entrance is FREE and you do not need a ticket. Harry Heart releases new album - “Cambistry” following sold out NFT collection! Same Solution, G.O.M.Y.O, Diving Bell, Heat and Can't be Led, just five of the songs from Harry Heart's new upcoming album Cambistry due out soon.  The album is a stylish mix of rock, acoustic, ambient and soul based sounds that have all been put together to make an absolute corker of a record. And an Absolute corker is definitely one of the words I'd use to describe it. After hearing little tasters even, I enjoyed hearing it and if you listen carefully, you can hear the LCD Soundsystem and James Blake influences.  https://open.spotify.com/album/09YuUeMSnYSDcqDLH4Ns2n?si=QpXZ9xhVQ8emVQXRAr5-hw RICHARD WALTERS - Reveals new solo track "Move On" || Announces UK Shows Sorry can be a hard one to say at best but in this case, Richard Walters has sung it instead. Move On is a gentle heartfelt melodic tune which wears its heart on its sleeve. Richard's voice carries plenty of feeling as he expresses his regrets from his past so as to reconcile. After being away for a year and a half this is certainly a superb choice for a comeback track and his talent as a solo artist is evident  He will be performing the song as part of his set as part of his upcoming tour later this year in November  RETURNS WITH ATMOSPHERIC, AFFECTING NEW SINGLE:  "MOVE ON" RELEASED 26 MAY, VIA NETTWERK STREAM ON ALL SERVICES HERE https://richardwalters.ffm.to/moveon UK TOUR DATES THIS NOVEMBER - TICKETS https://www.richardwaltersmusic.co.uk/live RICHARD WALTERS - LIVE DATES 2023 24 Nov - BRISTOL, The Louisiana 25 Nov - OXFORD, Jericho Tavern 29 Nov - MANCHESTER, The Castle Hotel 30 Nov - LONDON, The Grace MONOGRAMS - Releases Breathless "Carry The Weight" || New Album 'A Fine Commitment' out 16 June Electronic rock fusion at its finest, that or Ian Jacobs, music maestro behind MONOGRAMS, has possibly taken a leaf out of Kraftwerk's book. Carry The Weight has what can best be described as an invigorating track which has its foot in the future whilst keeping another in the past yet still makes its place in the present. Ian is every bit an amazing frontman regardless of the band being a one-man project.  Carry The Weight is proof in the pudding of electronic rock excellence  MONOGRAMS NYC 'NUKE WAVE' ARTIST RETURNS WITH THE BREATHLESS: "CARRY THE WEIGHT"  STREAM ON YOUTUBE HERE https://youtu.be/Tff1183W3XU ALL SERVICES HERE https://orcd.co/jp1dv38 Read the full article

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Repost: Ask on Navigating Fandom (1)

Anonymous: Excuse me for saying this but ure so unusual. U've clearly been in the fandom for a long time but u have views that would get u tarred & feathered on twitter like the fansites and shipping. U scold the fans but also know a lot about the history to defend them. U like jikook but u say u have rapline bias becoz how many rapline bias care about maknae line? Not Many! It's like u follow some rules and not other rules. How do u figure all of this out?

***

Hi Anon, I’m not sure if you’re the same anon that sent a related ask, but since this is less explicit, I’m posting this to respond to.

No offense, but I feel a lot of people who ask questions like this, i.e. there’s so many rules and worry about how to be a fan, are people who to some degree perhaps care a bit too much about what other people think about them.

Before I get into all the rest, I’ll sum it up this way: the best way to be a fan is to spend time on what you enjoy related to that thing/person/group. Some people like to casually engage and that’s okay. Some people are natural hobbyists and like to commit more time and their personal skill towards it including making fan-made merch to sell on Etsy, curating playlists, making edits, running music blogs etc. Some people have natural leadership qualities and start/join fanbases, write up guides, and organize catalogs and/or local meets with other fans. Some people feel comfortable being responsible for translation or voting accounts. Some people invest their time in voting, buying, streaming, etc, because this is how they’d like to support a group they love. All of this is okay and you’ll find every single type of this fan in the fandom. Note this also applies to people who are ‘fans’ but of a different kind: antis. Antis are actually very invested in the groups they dislike, and they also come in all the forms I described above, it’s only they expend their time and efforts towards doing the opposite: unrelenting criticisms, comparisons, dehumanizing, making hate blogs/youtube channels, etc.

My point is, the actions or the way you express your interest in something are varied and ultimately doesn’t really matter (of course if you’re being abusive, racist, transphobic, or dehumanizing that’s obviously problematic), what matters is the motive or heart behind it. If you’re the type to not memorize lyrics because it’s just not your thing but you try to find out what they’re singing about because you care about what they have to say, that’s okay. If you don’t memorize lyrics because you think Korean sounds gross and just want to listen for the instrumentals and overall vibes, you’re getting a side-eye from me. But again, nobody is stopping you from doing it either. You’re in your house, I’m in mine. You can log off or block me, and I can do the same.

For example, I have all kinds of asks sitting in my inbox, not deleted for any other reason besides that I find them amusing. To be clear, I’m not referring to people who ask me weird or unusual things out of curiosity (I see you guys and I’ll get to you soon but honestly half the stuff y'all are sending me are better dealt with in DMs :)). I’m referring to ARMYs and antis who need an outlet for really toxic shit, and have somehow decided I, ARMY, BTS, or all three should be targets of that. So I ignore it. The antis who make repeat visits to my inbox are for all intents and purposes, a bunch of binary code: a series of ones and zeros, like any other dimwit on the internet. It’s an occupational hazard of spending a lot of time in big online communities. To be very honest, this is how I see it.

A lot of people would prefer to have their views unchallenged, and the way they deal with that is something that’s easy to predict, because in general, people are people. We’re not that different.

Of course, many people have a problem with someone being racist, so if you are, well a lot of people will have a problem with that lol. In my post here I talk about some common ideas ARMYs have about BTS just as a natural consequence of listening to things they’ve said and done repeatedly over years and years. I personally think that if you take the time to really listen to BTS and have a good awareness of the ecosystem in which they operate, there are only few conclusions to reach.

My approach to most things is if something makes sense to me, then cool! If it doesn’t, well then it’s not my problem, and this is something I generally apply to BTS and ARMY (there are exceptions). And this is how I navigate discussions or arguments on ARMY Twitter as well.

I had one yesterday with an ARMY about merch prices where my position was: 'listen, BTS merch prices are on par with their Western counterparts. Billie Eilish’s pajamas set goes for about $150, and so as a group that’s on par with most big Western acts, those prices are expected. However, a good chunk of the fandom is still firmly in the k-pop sphere, and compared to merch prices in k-pop, BTS’s seems ridiculous plain and simple. And this is something the company should be aware of and it’s a good idea to include this in their considerations next time.“ The ARMY I was replying to had a problem with everything I said after “However”, but I’d stated my views because it was a conversation I was interested in contributing to, and left it at that. If that army became abusive or really weird, it would’ve been a block and report sitch and we’d all be happy lol.

Personally, there are a few lines I do not cross at all when discussing Asian artists. For example, I have opinions on many k-pop idols but feel no need to express negative views about any of them unprompted, based solely on my perceptions, for any substantial period of time online. <- This is an action that doesn’t make sense to me. If I enjoyed doing this, I would, but I don’t, so I don’t. I also do not entertain any further commodification of any of these artists because I see how this is disproportionately applied to Asian people in general i.e. the token Asian in the friend group, in Western movies, or the Western music landscape. Some people are comfortable doing this, and they will continue because ultimately no one can stop them (or you) from doing what you want. You can always block them, make a new account, find people who think like you, etc. All the sub-sets in the fandom exist because we don’t all agree about everything all the time. Find the one you click with and roll with it.

Good luck 💜.

Originally posted: January 21st, 2022 11:45am

[not-your-desi-girl]

The Siren Song of Dark Academia

Tweed uniforms, reading Kafka by candlelight and sitting in the university library for as long as there is more than one star twinkling in the sky. What do all of these share in common? A passion for knowledge and antiquity integrated with the soul of chaos and the tortured artist. That’s the shortest description I could think of when trying to describe what dark academia is. Dark academia has transformed into a complex aesthetic that consists of dark and earthy tones, old books, and a lack of modern technology. The theme has made its way through various forms of media, such as film and literature, but has truly been seized by Gen Z during the past couple of years. It’s accessible escapism available to anyone who feels the flames of chaos licking their ankles in midst of a global pandemic and political upheaval. 

As a university student who was sent home during my first year due to the pandemic, I’m not surprised at the rise in dark academia and aesthetic lifestyles in general. When told to essentially stay in one place, you start to pine for something different than the life you have in front of you; the idea of the life you could have on campus becomes exciting and romantic, and an “anything but this” mindset is the fertilizer an aesthetic needs to become pervasive. Dark academia creates this fantasy world where scholarship is beautiful and seems to offer more than just a way to find a lucrative career.

I’d be a hypocrite if I said that I didn’t love dark academia itself. I can’t pretend that I haven’t stayed up late to do homework while listening to a playlist that consists of Chopin and Debussy, or that I’m not doing that in the campus library *right now*. However, I believe that the aesthetic has a certain ugliness to it, one that can get especially worse when given the chance. Social media sites -especially Tumblr- can quickly lead users to view unhealthy content and does a pretty good job of keeping users stuck in a chasm that endlessly echoes back at them.

How does an aesthetic go wrong and what happens when it does?

How Tumblr Created Aesthetic

Of all the social media sites out there, Tumblr is the least expected to be unfamiliar with the aesthetic, or event the term “aesthetic” in general. In more ways than one, Tumblr birthed the concept of online aesthetics. Older users know that the website was one of the first to be image-centric when it was launched in 2007 (Mirny 2021). The emphasis on imagery as content combined with the utilization of tags called for a culmination of users to curate communities quite literally with the touch of a button (or maybe a few). Using tags to label images are posts makes searching a lot easier, but because Tumblr tags allow so much creative freedom, it can become difficult to describe a community when it consists of so many different ideas and images. Naming an aesthetic “dark academia” is much easier than saying “things that look like Dead Poet’s Society” and hoping for the best. 

In philosophy, aesthetics refers to the principles that govern perceived beauty and artistic taste. Tumblr is no different. The various aesthetics you see such as “basic”, “cottage core”, “retro”, “e-girl”, etc. are all forms of artistic expression that resonate with specific groups of people. Even the aesthetics that are very apparent forms of rebellion against beauty standards have some type of standard themselves to constitute as an aesthetic, such as “goth” and “punk”. Users will create image posts and connect them with their respective tags. Images that users feel make the most sense in the aesthetic receive more notes and reblogs, and reach more users exponentially, while images that don’t cater to the target community tend to dissolve. This system pushes communities to create a concentrated aesthetic that shares a very specific feature. 

When a majority of Tumblr users are young, that no doubt significantly influences what the mainstream aesthetics will look like. 

Though not the majority, a large portion of users consists of people between 15 and 25 years old. People can struggle at any age, of course, but the 10-year period is difficult. Imagine going through physical puberty, immediately followed by emotional puberty. Younger users are more likely to yearn for a sense of community to feel like they belong *somewhere*, meaning that aesthetic communities are bound to be more popular with that demographic: “Access to the public sphere in traditional ways has decreased substantially for youth during the past two decades, while surveillance by parents and institutional authorities has greatly increased. Teens' use of social media is a reflection of their need to find new ways to achieve privacy and assert some control over their personal space” (McCracken 2017). The very need to gain back the control McCracken mentions is reflected in the rise of online aesthetics. It serves as a form of self-expression in a place that the self is otherwise restricted, and users can portray themselves however they see fit. People want to be with others who understand them. But it’s in that sense of community where users can stumble into something that would’ve been better off left alone (this seems to happen so often that the site should be rebranded to Stumblr). 

Romanticizing Mental Illness

***Content Warning: Discussion of eating disorders and self-harm ***

Those familiar with dark academia imagine a flurry of images when they hear the name of the aesthetic. Among those images are primarily scholars. Dark academia concocts a reality where chasing your thirst for knowledge is for your own personal development and enrichment. In the 1989 film Dead Poet’s Society, teacher John Keating tells his students, “We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion.” Passion for knowledge is at the core of dark academia, but eventually to a fault. The b-side of the aesthetic includes dark circles and eye bags, madness, and the ever infamous “thinspo”.

Anima Shrestha cites 16-year-old Tumblr user Laura who wishes she could be “mysterious, haunted, fascinating”. The transition from demonizing mental illness in media to desiring it is largely due to the “echo chamber” sites like Tumblr provides (Shrestha 2018). Vulnerable teenagers and young adults will go into Tumblr seeking advice or sympathy and find themselves accidentally caught in a riptide of negative content. Once the algorithm catches onto a user’s preferences, the user will see more of that type of content. Repeating the beautification of mental illness within this closed space may eventually lead to impressionable/vulnerable users to desire mental illness for themselves (Shrestha 2018). Black and white images portraying melancholy and despair remove the very real pain of mental illness and converts the concept into its own aesthetic. This simultaneously harms the people with desire who do not have a disorder and delegitimizes those who do have a disorder. 

The the two most inescapable disorder-based posts on Tumblr are arguably depression and anorexia, especially within dark academia. As mentioned earlier, the core of the dark academia aesthetic is a burning passion for knowledge. This can materialize in the form of a student who stays up for hours on end to research their interests, or an alcoholic professor who is a nihilist because he “just knows too much”. More often than not, “the tortured artist” is the most revered trope: a misunderstood character in pain over the unfair nature of the world; someone who is too intellectually profound for their own wellbeing. Nihilism and depression combine to create this image of superiority because “nobody gets them”. Physically harming and neglecting the self is an integral part of the tortured artist archetype, so it will surely flow over if one embraces the aesthetic wholly. However, how a user connects to this archetype can turn into a “what came first”-type riddle. In the height of Covid-19, students were already at the mercy of academic stress, so it’s not impossible that the tortured artist/scholar serves as a figure of relatability and comfort. In a sense, the character makes the pain feel like it’s all in the name of something greater than we can comprehend, making it worth it. However! Users are still at risk of exacerbating the situation if they stay within the echo chamber.  

On to thinspo: the first time I searched up “Dark Academia” on tumblr I saw an image-post of very thin white women with the tags #an0r3x!a (leetspeak for “anorexia”) and #I will get skinny.

I was horrified - why is it so blatant and so accessible?

Not surprisingly, it’s because we like skinny women. Using the royal we, our online society prefers thinner woman to the point where 97.7% of them were the subject of a photo (Wick and Harriger 2018). I don’t think anyone will fall out of their seat in shock when I say that we still have exceptionally strict beauty standards online for women and femme-presenting people. They are expected to be skinny, hairless, and white (or European-looking at the very least). Placing people with these features on a pedestal further separates people and creates a homogenous community. With dark academia being an aesthetic, it will inevitably prioritize how things (and people) look.

Classism and Racism in Dark Academia

A quick question: did the photo I included at the very top of this post seem out of place? Did anything about it scream “THIS ISN’T DARK ACADEMIA!!!!” ? I’d be surprised if it gave off that impression because most results when searching for “dark academia” show images of preppy-looking students, marble statues, and old European-style architecture. The fashion, architecture, and very interests of dark academia are heavily Eurocentric. Donna Tartt’s The Secret History is potentially THE template for the aesthetic, with it’s preparatory school, white students in uniforms, and mystery. 

Is there anything wrong with thinking that Oxford University looks nice and that French seems like an interesting language? Of course not! But the fact that the aesthetic is so blatantly European begs for questioning. 

Dark academia associates itself with decadence, elite scholarship and mysterious prep schools, all of which have been historically exclusive to wealthy white men. With the efforts of British colonialism, nations have been ravaged of their wealth and knowledge, leaving few resources to recuperate in time before Western ideology became the mainstream. Dark academia preserves the past and remains within the aesthetics of 19th and 20th century England and the east coast of the United States. Even the fashion of it is that of the modern-day Tory (wealthy and conservative English people). An overwhelming majority of images with the dark academia tag depict white people, and they are treated as the default. If you want to find traditional/cultural dark academia, you need to specifically search for it, showing us that BIPOC users are not included within the aesthetic normally. 

The lack of BIPOC people within the community reflects the reality of how academia tends to bar People of Color from entering the space, especially women. BIPOC women who do enter the sphere of education face microaggressions and betrayal from colleagues and mentors alike (Marbley et al. 2011). 

The aesthetic contradicts itself because it’s very presence on social media makes it *not* elite, yet somehow it is gatekept. Dark academia prides itself on individuals learning about and embracing culture, but only European cultures and languages are treated as classy. There is nothing inherently white about wanting to chase knowledge, but because of colonization and mainstream Western ideology, non-European cultures are erased and ignored by the aesthetic. 

Poetry and literature from all cultures should be celebrated in the community because it only provides more perspective on how the chaos of the world around us falls into place. Luckily, users are slowly integrating more content that features people of color in dark academia. 

Resources

Marbley, Aretha, Aliza Wong, Sheryl Santos-Hatchett, and Lahib Jaddo. 2011. “Women Faculty of Color: Voices, Gender, and the Expression of Our Multiple Identities within Academia.” Advancing Women in Leadership 31: 166–74. http://www.advancingwomen.com/awl/Vol31_2011/marbleyfinal207_31.pdf.

‌McCracken, Allison. 2017. “Tumblr Youth Subcultures and Media Engagement.” Cinema Journal 57 (1): 151–61. https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/44867867.pdf.‌

2021. Proquest.com. 2021. https://www.proquest.com/docview/2506736471?parentSessionId=mW4hWlzgSS8EN%2FZpFGJqHDUuHtxx6kwfnPofMsRtdFM%3D&pq-origsite=primo&accountid=9703.

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[hanoella]

A Matter of Time (1/2)

Pairing: Bucky x healer!Reader

Word Count: Just under 3k

Summary: Healing others took a lot out of you. It was only a matter of time until it was going to be too much on your body.

Warnings: Hardcore angst, blood, grave injury, explicit description of injury, medical life support, needles? still not good at this stuff.

A/N: Another @wkemeup writing challenge prompt! Thanks so much everyone for all the love and support on my first fic!

Prompt: Believing they’re about to die, Character A confesses their feelings for Character B before they pass out.

---

           It was only a matter of time.

          Healing always took so much out of you. One day, it was going to be too much for your body to handle. You hadn’t explicitly told anyone that it drains you. Only the observant picked up on it. It’s the reason why Natasha never asked for your help with minor things. It’s also why Bucky plain refused your help nowadays. He was hyper aware of everything around him and that included you. He always saw the light sheen of sweat forming on your brow, the way you became slightly breathless, and the increase in your pulse. When there was a major injury, he was very well aware of the tell-tale signs of exhaustion.

          The very first time that he let you work on his shoulder, he had asked what it was like out of curiosity.

          “Well… it’s kind of like projecting the pain onto myself. I’ve always been very in tune with my body. So ever since this,” you pause to gesture with your hands. “I can usually tell what the problem is. For example, I can tell that this specific muscle is bothering you,” you say as you gently put pressure on the specific aching tendon in his arm. Bucky winced before feeling the warmth reach deep into his muscles. He let out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Turning slightly so that you could partly see his face, he thanked you. For a reason he couldn’t understand, a big smile slowly developed on your face.

          “What?” He asked.

          “Nothing, I’m just glad you finally let me work on it. I can see now that you’ve been… suffering. I’m just happy you’re feeling better.”

          Bucky felt his face flush slightly and turned back to face forward. Amused, you started humming lightly as you continued your work.

           Not that he would admit it but since then, there may have been… other reasons why he is always paying close attention to you. You reminded him of Steve. Somebody who was truly selfless. The one to make the sacrifice play. You may be less on the forefront of the battles but the work and the sacrifices you make for the world were just as big. Bucky found that he admired you for that. It stirred up feelings in his chest that he chose to ignore. It also made him nervous.

           Every time you were needed, he was assigned as your bodyguard. You could handle yourself better than the average civilian, but you wouldn’t consider yourself a fighter. Considering that he preferred to stay out of the spotlight, as well as the fact that his relationship with the public was still rocky, it ended up being the ideal position for him. At first, he was nervous because he was protecting something incredibly important. More so than any jewel or riches that existed. You were someone that could practically bring someone back from the dead. If he couldn’t protect you, he was practically sentencing anyone who would need your help in the future, to death. Certainly, a weighty responsibility that would make anyone nervous.

           It grew to be more than that though. Each time he protected you from a threat, no matter how small, your appreciation made it worth it. Your gratitude, which manifested itself into words, notes, and small gifts, sustained him. He had a hidden drawer filled with smiley faces on post it notes and cute little Tupperware containers that had held homemade sweet treats.

          But his favorite reward was not anything he could bring back to his apartment. It was your touch. The small brushes against his arm grew into touches and squeezes. In turn, it grew into grasping his hand while thanking him and once, a quick hug before you jumped back and apologized. He blushed lightly and looked away, letting you know that it was okay, he didn’t mind. Actually, Bucky would’ve preferred for that moment to have lasted forever. Because when you pulled away, he was suddenly aware of how starved he felt without your touch. That one action had been the gateway to a life filled with longing. He would chase that feeling forever; He could not bear the thought of being without you. That’s what made him nervous. He felt like he couldn’t think clearly anymore around you. He was going to make a mistake.

          It was only a matter of time.

---

          Waiting in the Quinjet with Bucky, you listened for updates on the mission. This time, they had gotten intel about a subbranch of Hydra dedicated to chemical warfare. Fearing another threat like anthrax, you set out to stop it. Everyone was in the building and you were on standby in case any pathogens got loose. Wanda could contain it, and you could eradicate it by healing all of the infected, and then they could disinfect the area. Hopefully, though, it was just a precaution.

           The atmosphere was calm, the lights off since the night sky was clear in the mountains. Moonlight filtering in through the front windshield, you were taking Bucky through the latest playlist you had curated for him when Nat radioed in.

           “We’ve almost got the lab secured. No injuries.”

           “Word.” You radioed back casually as Bucky looked at you confused.

           You were about to explain the response and pull up urban dictionary when Steve radioed back as well.

           “We had a group escape, some guards protecting the head researcher. They’re headed towards the jet. He blocked off the tunnel he used to escape so they’ll get to you before we can reach him.”

           “Copy that.” Bucky radioed back as he got up.

           When you got up to follow him, he gave you a look.

           “Hey, don’t look at me like that! I’m not completely useless. Besides, I think I could take on a lab lackey.”

          “I don’t want you to get caught up in the rest of it.” He responded seriously.

          Looking at him and realizing it wasn’t up for debate, your expression sobered up.

          “Okay. Just be careful, please.”

          He nodded as he heard voices approaching. He headed down the ramp and met them outside of the jet. You peaked out of the opening of the ramp as he took them out one by one. When all five were on the ground, you came out and checked to make sure he was okay.

          “Wow, impressive.” You commented, nudging one of the guys with your foot.

          “Wait,” you said, eyebrows scrunching together. “None of these guys are in a lab coat.”

           Just as he was about to respond, he glanced to the side and quickly pushed you out of the way. The lab coat tackled him where you had just been standing. They went rolling towards the edge of the cliff and you shouted his name.

           “Bucky!”

           He kicked the researcher away from him while still on the ground. As the man started rolling off of the cliff, he grabbed Bucky’s leg. Bucky started scrambling to find a grip as the scientist slid off the cliff, trying to take Bucky with him. You ran over to the edge, grabbing Bucky’s arm to support him as he tried to kick the guard off of his leg.

           “With you out of the picture, the path forward will be successful. Hail Hydra.” He shouted as he grabbed a knife from his pocket and stabbed it into Bucky’s thigh.

           Bucky grunted loudly as the scientist took the knife out and stabbed it back in. You strained to hold him up as he struggled to kick him off, blood streaming down his leg. With one more heavy kick, the man lost his grip and fell down the mountain. At the same time, the force of the kick had loosened the ground under you. There was a crack and you locked eyes with Bucky in panic.

          You cried out as you used all of your strength to bring him back up over the cliff. It started falling away as soon as Bucky had found his footing and he lunged towards the jet while grabbing you. He held you with one arm and kept you from hitting the ground as the other forearm took the impact and held you both up. Looking incredulously at the strength of his arm and then turning your head back to look at him, he gently set you down. You were both breathing heavily as you lifted your head to see the platform you were just standing on was now gone.

           You laid your head back down and closed your eyes in relief. Bucky took the opportunity to take you in. Your hair formed a halo around your face perfectly as it was spread out on the grass and the moon’s light made you look like your skin was glowing. You looked ethereal. Before you got the chance to see him gazing at you, he flopped over onto his back next to you, catching his breath. You looked over at him, the stars now reflected in your eyes, and started laughing lightly. He didn’t know what you were laughing at, but it made him start laughing. As it subsided, you sat up and faced him.

           “Can I please heal those?” You asked, gesturing towards his leg. You had never worked on his thighs and you wanted to make sure he was comfortable.

           He paused, partly out of shyness and partly not wanting to tire you out. Your gaze lingered on the wounds and he saw how much it worried you. He nodded and you leaned over to take a look. As you moved the blood-soaked fabric out of the way, he winced. The wounds were deep and bleeding still. You focused your hands overtop the injury and concentrated. The soft white glow enveloped your hands and his leg. He watched as the bleeding started slowing. After a few moments, the wound started closing and the pain started easing. Bucky tried to get up as soon as it became bearable, but you put a hand on his chest to stop him. Though your breath was slightly strained, the determination in your eyes stopped him and he slowly laid back down. Soon enough, he couldn’t even tell that anything had happened. Once it was completely healed, you then flopped down next to him.

          You both settled, watching the clouds pass in front of the moon and stars. After you caught your breath, you spoke:

           “Bucky Barnes, I owe you my life. Several times over. Thank you.”

           “I think you’re the one who just saved my life, doll.” He said, amused.

           “Ooh, doll. Somebody’s finally warming up to me.” You said, laughter in your tone as you stood up. “Do you call every damsel in distress you save a doll?”

          The answer to that question was “no” but before he could respond, you held your hand out to him. Bucky sat up and accepted it, standing all the way up. As he let go of your hand, you wrapped your arms around his midsection, cheek resting against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Bucky swallowed and then slowly brought his arms around you, his chin resting on the top of your head. Content.

          Unexpectedly, he stiffened. Something was wrong.

          “Bucky?” You called his name hesitantly as you stepped out from his grasp.

          You peered at his face and saw his pupils so blown out that you could barely see the blue anymore.

          “Bucky!?” You shouted as he fell to the ground.

          He couldn’t control anything except for his eyes as muscles all over his body started twitching. You knelt down and panicked, laying your hands against his chest, searching for an explanation. You hovered your hands over his heart and felt it so tight and strained it was barely pumping. You felt as if you were choking, and you weren’t even feeling the full effect.

          Cardiac arrest. How is this possible?

          You racked your brain for explanations. You instantly thought of the researcher. You traced a strange substance you felt through his veins until you found where it originated- from the knife wound.

           Poison.

           At this point, it had reached his heart. What little it was pumping was spreading the poison. It’s completely taken over his blood. You locked eyes with Bucky and saw the pain and panic in his eyes, his clenched jaw, and the tendons in his neck, outlined clearly by the strain. He was suffering.

          No. Much worse.

          He was dying.

          You had to save him.

          You interlocked one hand over top of the other and started doing compressions on his chest. What was normally a soft white light was now blinding. You could see the outline of his heart, and with each pump, the white light travelled an inch down his veins. Slowly, with each thrust, the white light made it further and further out from his heart.

          “What happened!?” Steve shouted. You hadn’t even heard the team come back.

          “We saw the light and came back as fast as we could!” Sam said.

          You shrugged Steve’s hand off your shoulder as you continued compressions.

          “Poison.” You panted.

          Thump.

          “He’s-”

          Thump.

          “Dying.”

          Thump.

          You hadn’t realized you were crying. Tears now spilled freely onto Bucky’s jacket.

          Steve stayed kneeling next to you as the rest of the team stood back, watching in amazement as the light made its way through Bucky’s body.

          Bucky locked eyes with him. He placed a hand on Buck’s head and wiped the sweat off of his brow.

          “You’re gonna be okay, Buck. You’ll pull through.” He said with a small reassuring smile.

          It wasn’t himself he was worried about. He’d never seen you exert yourself this much. He was in so much pain but dying would be better than seeing you go through this.

          You shouted with each thrust, trying to keep yourself from tiring out and stopping. The white light had made its way back around to the heart and Bucky’s entire body started relaxing. You felt relief as he stopped seizing and his eyes started closing. As you wiped the sweat off of your face, you realized your nose was bleeding. Just as you were about to sit back, you froze.

          There’s no heartbeat. You desperately connected yourself back to his body and felt that his organs were shutting down. You started compressions again, this time more vigorously. You were going to have to filter his organs for multiple rounds to reach every part, every cell affected by the poison. You wailed, crying harder as you felt his ribs crack from the force and then heal, only to be cracked again. You were starting to get lightheaded, and your muscles were burning. You could not keep it up for much longer. Desperate to get him back, you call to Steve beside you.

          “Steve. There’s. Adrenaline. In. Jet.” You gasped between each push.

          Steve was so distraught between seeing the both of you that he didn’t move right away. Natasha instinctively ran to the jet and brought it back, digging through it until she found the syringe and uncapped the needle.

          Natasha knew she didn’t need to confirm whether you really wanted to do this.

          “Injecting now.”

          She thrust the needle into your thigh and clicked the top, releasing the spring and shooting the needle into the muscle.

          You wailed again in anguish, fighting through the pain until you felt it hit your heart. The light had turned into a pillar, a beacon in the sky. Your hair once again in a halo, floating around you. The team had to shield their eyes and brace themselves against the force that hit them. You put newfound strength into each push until you could feel that every single drop of poison was filtered out of his body. Finally, Bucky opened his eyes.

          You stopped pushing on his chest.

          “Bucky?” you asked hoarsely.

          He was still coming to but was well enough to sit up. He clutched at his chest and found no pain. He then looked at his hand.

          “How did you-?”

          You fell over.

          Bucky scrambled over to you and pulled you into his arms. You coughed against his chest, bloodying his shirt. He looked at you and then at Steve, mouth agape. Steve could only look sadly back.

          He cradled you and brushed the hair out of your face, blood from your nose and mouth smearing before being covered by the new blood steadily streaming out.

          “I’m sorry,” You said softly, the sleepy look on your face deceivingly masking the gravitas of the situation.

          “Don’t apologize.” He said quietly, pausing to keep the tears from showing. It proved to be pointless as his voice cracked, asking:

          “Why would you do this? You should’ve just let me die.”

          You closed your eyes.

          “Because I love you, Buck. Always have.” You slurred tiredly.

          You whimpered and then stilled.

          Bucky cried while rocking you in his arms.

 ---

Part II

          You opened your eyes to a black room. No, not a room. There were no walls. You glanced down at your hands. You could still see them so it wasn’t dark, just… black.

          “Well, hello.”

          You spun around and saw the source of the voice.

          A serene, beautiful woman who had long dark hair and dressed in a green tunic addressed you.

          “What has brought you here, young one?”

Read Part II Here

[sleepylixie]

3.1k words, Angst, Fluff (Romance), Non-idol AU

Kim Hongjoong X fem! Reader

Inspired by Love you Like Me- William Singe ( Playlist here )

Beware of Profanity, Heavy themes of infidelity, implied sexual activity 

The studio was loud, bustling with murmurs and movement, lighting being fidgeted with and artists putting in the final touches to the simple, neutral toned set. A shiver traced down your back as you watched people walk this way and that, preparing everything to be perfect just in time, just before the cameras begin rolling and the star of the show settles in front of the camera-

The steady buzz of your phone in your hand interrupted your train of thought. Took him long enough, you thought to yourself as you watched the name flash across the screen. Hongjoong. 

Not a couple of months ago, his contact’s name had been ‘loml’ with a red heart- how quickly things change. You knew he would call you before you were to go on-air, a tradition that he had unfailingly kept alive over the last 3 years. This particular call however, was different. Special. 

Because it was going to be the last. 

You would miss his calls, you mused as you accepted the call. His smooth, lilting tenor always greeting you with- 

“Hello, starlet.” 

The amused endearment didn’t make you smile like it used to. You used to shy away from it when you had initially started dating Hongjoong. Over the years, however, you had truly grown into a starlet in your own right so the inside joke was now laced with adoring truth. 

“Hello, my love.” 

Your voice was soft, mellow, the perfect replication of how you would respond to him in better times. Funny how a relationship you’d valued as much as your career had come down to pretence and secrets- 

“Are you ready?”  

The real question is, are you ready? The response was heavy on your tongue but you swallowed it down, letting a sardonic smile curl up the edge of your lips as you hummed into the phone, a show of contemplation.

“I think so.” 

If only he knew what you were talking about. 

“I’m sure you are, you spent so much time in the studios with Chris. Trust yourself, darling. You’re going to do amazing.” 

There had been a time when his reassurance would’ve given you enough motivation to rule the world- now though, it felt like nothing but a sham. Pretty, deceptive falsities that he kept up only for the sake of his promise to you. A game of make-believe he seemed to be amusing himself with. 

He was going to find out soon enough, you convinced yourself. He was going to find out soon enough that you were no game to be trifled with. 

The producer caught your eye, motioning to the set – it was time. 

“It’s almost time, I need to go.”

What a glorious double entendre this conversation was. 

“Good luck, my love. I’ll be watching the live.”

You hummed again before hanging up, coughing into your hands as you made your way to the set. The producer flashed a smile and thumbs up at you as you took your seat on the stool meant for you. 

“We’re going to be live in 3 minutes. Ready?” 

Between your makeup artist doing some final touches on your face and the sound technician checking the wires and mic-set for your in-ears, you returned the producer’s thumbs up with a confident smile- more confident than you were truly feeling, you were sure. 

“Ready.” 

All too soon, the 2 minutes had passed and you were sat alone in front of the camera, nothing but a mic in your hand as the producer did a countdown- Rolling in 3,2,1-

The first strains of the backing track flowed through your in-ears, your grip on the mic tightening as the repetitive, building melody washed over you like the tune of a haunted nursery rhyme. With the melody came the memories, a barrage of feelings tinged angry red and melancholy pink. 

After all these years, it seemed your love really had to end the way it began- mic in hand, lyrics at your lips and leaden heart in your chest. This time though, he wasn’t the healing balm, he was the twisted knife itself. 

Kim fucking Hongjoong.

“He never calls this late at night, no… But I can tell he’s been drinking all night long.” 

The studio was pin-drop silent except for the soft, dragging lilt of your voice. The track Chris had made for you could catch a listener’s attention all too easily- the magic your voice brought with it soon afterwards only served to hook the listeners more. 

You remembered slipping into the studio one rainy 2 a.m, scrawled sheets of paper feeling heavy and hot in your pocket. Chris had been rightfully concerned with your deceptively put together appearance, knowing exactly what had brought about the torrent of words you had thrown onto the table. 

Chris had always been safe, warm comfort for you- from the days of pulling all-nighters before graduation to the sleepless nights spent recording and producing in your shared studio, your friendship had come a long way.

But you’d shaken your head at him, urging him to look at the sheets. The memory of your pen slicing into the sheets was still burnt onto your fingertips, your vision almost blurring with tears as you scrawled every word that came to mind. Fiery, sensual, vengeful words seared onto the paper, a clear reflection of everything that had silently plagued you every night, every sunset, until you broke.

 “He sounds upset, I’m asking baby where you at, I called you earlier but you didn’t call me back…”

You met Hongjoong a little more than 4 years ago in a dive bar- him, the tired university student looking for a break and you, the evening’s entertainment. Your set had been entirely covers of moody love songs, reminiscent of your own sentiments- all you wanted to do was write your own music but it seemed all rookies were destined to be stuck with small gigs and other artists’ music. 

But for some reason, this one man with electric blue hair that contrasted- clashed, even, with his formal outfit had approached you after you finished your set. Only when he sidled closer to you did you noticed the paint splatters on his cuffs and the tiny earring dangling against his neck. The first thing he told you was that he had fallen in love with your voice and would love to get you a drink so he could hear it more. 

Even in the heartbroken haze you were in, you knew there was something about this odd patch-work quilt of a man with a sparkly smile that you couldn’t shake. Conversation had been uncannily easy after that-

Falling in love with Hongjoong however, hadn’t been a cakewalk by any means. 

 “He’s breaking down, I’m about to lose it… I’m screaming who the fuck were you with…”

Falling for Hongjoong was walking through fire and hail and ice; it was always expecting the worst out of each other but somehow ending up with the best too; to see each other as flawed humans before possible targets of affection. It took a good part of a year for the both of you to acknowledge any sentiment beyond friendship for each other, even more time to consider dating. 

He’d been hesitant at first- so had you. But as Hongjoong murmured to you that fateful evening your relationship began, the thought of not knowing how you’d be together was one he could not digest. Sometimes you wish you hadn’t agreed- but to disagree would’ve been a regretful lie. 

Over the years, it had always warmed your heart to have known without a shadow of a doubt that he would walk through all the world’s calamities for your hand in his.

Kim Hongjoong was perfect, after all. 

The perfect son of a perfect family, the visual arts graduate with a perfect score, the perfect fit for a job as an art gallery’s curator- Surely, his love was tinted with the same shade of perfection as the rest of him?

You were wrong. 

 “I grab my keys you better tell me where you at… he said he fucked up but there’s no taking it back...”

Kim Hongjoong was fickle as a wayward breeze where the matters of the heart were concerned. It was easier for him to let people love him, feel the adoration for him rolling off people’s eyes and bodies than be the person to love freely. Love was vulnerability to him, but gods, did he make vulnerability look gorgeous. 

Maybe the very reason he began to love you at first was because you didn’t care for his perfection.

His words still echoed in your ears sometimes, especially in nights that were woefully sober or afternoons that were hopelessly unproductive. There had been a time when the only things you remembered of the honeyed rasp was from your best dreams, promising you forever in every day- 

Not anymore. All you remembered now was the way he had sounded that night, alcohol and regret mixing badly in his veins, voice rough and stilted and broken as he asked you for forgiveness, for space in your heart despite his mistakes.

 “I gave everything to you and this is what you turn around and do…”

You wish you’d never driven to him after his teary confessions, hoping against hope he was pranking you and had only drunk too much to cater to common sense. You wish you hadn’t walked yourself to his best friends’ night club and have to witness the look of pity Seonghwa and San cast upon before handing Hongjoong over to you. 

You wish you hadn’t put yourself through the utterly tragic ordeal of picking up after him. Especially now, that you know how the future would look after that night. 

The memories steeled your voice through the smooth notes, the music rising and falling as the backing track began to build. You’d struggled to record this section of the song- your breath always seemed to catch and hold when you sang the words, your chest feeling too heavy, tongue too leaden to mouth the next lines. But today, the tune was like second nature to your lips, the sentiment almost easy to express. 

Surely he was watching now, wherever he was, the lyrics’ meaning sinking into his skin with every word. Some tiny, savage part of your brain hoped he felt the same cold terror and sense of unfairness you felt all this while- you hoped he would drown in it until it consumed him, soul and all. 

 “Did she have it all, all that you wanted for you to go and break your promise?”

He’d crawled into your bed with you that night, holding you closer than he had ever held you in 3 years. Soothed your tears of pure disappointment and cried way too many of his own, your shoulders shuddering as you pulled each other closer. Murmured apologies a million times, over and over again against your skin as he curled his body around yours, until you fell into a restless sleep. 

You still remember the time-dampened images of the nightmare you had that night, the shadows laughing at you for being an inadequate girlfriend, an unfit person, that he probably cheated because you weren’t doing enough for him. You’d awoken a mere couple of hours after the both of you had nodded off, Hongjoong’s grip on your body still tight despite his state of slumber. 

Was he worried you’d wake up and walk away?

He would find you in your kitchen in his old shirt when he woke up anyway, tired eyes and tired limbs and enough coffee for 2 in the French press. 

 “I wanna know, every secret you’ve been hiding…I wanna know just how long have you've been lying…”

A mistake, he’d called it. One-off error in judgement, a single moment in time he had chosen not to listen to his better sensibilities. It had happened once, entirely because of his lapse in judgement, he said. It would never happen again; he swore to you. Promised to you with your hands in his, earnestness in his gaze that you had never been subjected to until now- then again, he’d never given you reason to mistrust him until now. 

You’d asked for a promise from Hongjoong that day- a no-closed-doors policy on your relationship. It should’ve been a no-brainer as far as you were concerned, but it seemed that people like Hongjoong needed the reminder that not all people lived the way they did. That love wasn’t reckless free fall to everybody, a spark that burns fast and bright and fizzles out just as quick. 

 “I wanna know, does she fuck you like I did…I wanna know, and will she love you like I did…”

You wish you’d been less mature about the whole affair. 

Singing the words aloud only made you wish you’d thrown the words at him the first time it happened, instead of now, behind the safety of two screens and physical distance. You should’ve allowed yourself the sheer meltdown that the situation warranted, allowed the rage to take over your system even if it was for those few unfiltered seconds.

Hongjoong’s actions hadn’t deserved the maturity you afforded them. But you couldn’t blame yourself- in those fleeting moments, the primary emotions you had felt was that of inadequacy. You should’ve trusted yourself more.

 “Boy this ain’t how it’s supposed to be...Dancing between someones else’s sheets…”

After the burning hurt from the fiasco died down, it felt like Hongjoong had taken it upon himself to prove to you how special, how important, how absolutely irreplaceable you were to him. In the haze of it all, you ended up loving it. 

The once almost stoic man was now making an effort to be more to you, less of the disappointment he had caused you. He made an effort to talk to you, open up about his frayed relationship with love – hesitant at first and then naturally. 

I care about you. I love you; he’d murmured to the ceiling one night. You were silent, body resting against his as he arranged the sheets higher around your bodies. I wanted to know what we’d be like together and I haven’t regretted a second of it. I can’t imagine my days without you around.  A soft kiss planted against your hairline that you returned against the crook of his neck as sleep claimed you.

 “I can’t believe this is really happening, your guilty conscience is going to be the death of me..”

The next few months were a daily reminder of how much Kim Hongjoong had come to know you over the years of your relationship. Your favourite flowers turned up like clockwork at your desk every Tuesday, accompanying a note in his quick, scratchy handwriting – a new tradition of mid-week dates at experimental restaurants with oddly planned menus. Voice notes of his raspy morning voice sending you sweet affirmations that rung in your ears late into the afternoon. 

Even the way he touched you felt softer, more… reverent. Like he’d had a taste of what he stood to lose and never wanted to think of it again. As each day passed, you found yourself resting easy, basking in the attention and adoration and soft romance of it all.

Looking back on it, you should’ve known. What was it they say about a cheat?

They expect you to be loyal to them despite their faithlessness.

 “You got so caught up in the moment...But she’ll only love you when she’s lonely…”  

The second time it happened, the only thing your heart felt was a wildfire doused in rage and an almost crippling sense of treachery. A fellow artist in the same recording company as you had slipped into the studio late one night, just as you were packing up to head home. She’d pulled you to the couch on the side, holding your hands in hers as she hesitated before asking her questions- Are you sure your boyfriend is faithful? He keeps leaving the club I perform at with other girls?

Your fingers curled tightly around the mic, trying your hardest not to let your other hand clench the fabric covering your legs. You would give the world neither the privilege nor the misfortune of knowing how much truth this song really held. The world didn’t- no, Hongjoong didn’t deserve it. Not anymore.

 “This ain’t a game you better tell me where you're at, No boy, you fucked up and there’s no taking it back..”

You’d dropped by Hongjoong’s apartment that night, hands shaking in your coat pockets and head spinning from the rush of emotions. You had a spare key, and it was only a matter of dropping him a quick text before letting yourself in. Betrayal? Rage? Frustration? Disappointment? It was the disgusting cocktail in the pit of your stomach that led you to snoop through his phone while he was in the shower-

You wish you hadn’t but oh, you’d be damned if you weren’t glad you had.

He’d brought girls to his apartment at the end of so-called club hopping nights with Seonghwa. Every Friday. Ever since he’d made his ‘promise’ to you.

Every single Friday.

He’d bedded some random chick from the clubs and then turned up at your doorstep every weekend like nothing had ever happened.

Every. Single. Friday.

 “I gave everything to you …and this is what you turn around and do..”

You remember slipping out of Hongjoong’s apartment as quickly as you had turned up, faking an emergency at the studio to dash out the front door. Stubbornly holding your tears at bay as you drove back to your own neighbourhood, out of the car and into your apartment. Collapsing on your couch in a daze just as the breakdown began.

You still don’t know if the tears you shed that night were of anger or sadness- with the urge to destroy everything Hongjoong stood for, the only thing you wanted to do was never see him again.

For a second, you were transported back to that disaster of a night, the studio melting away into the familiar walls of your apartment, closing in on you as the despair and bottomless rage set in. There was an edge to your voice as you sang now, more angry than sad like before. Was he listening? Was he able to hear your farewell in the lyrics?

Was he panicking that you found out? Or worse, did he not care at all?

 “Did she have it all, all that you wanted for you to go and break your promise?”

The next morning, you’d woken up with puffy eyes and a heavy heart, but with one clear motive seared into your mind- revenge.

You’d allowed him into your heart, let him build a home there for years and years. You had loved him every way you knew how to- broken at first, unconditionally later. You’d given him trust, a currency you were known to be stingy with- and he turns around and does this to you.

Maybe that was childish of you; maybe a more mature person would’ve broken it off that day, wallowed in heartbreak and made efforts to move on. But no, not you.

If Hongjoong had found it acceptable to take girls home while being in a relationship with you, he would definitely find it acceptable if you aired some of his dirty laundry yourself.

 “I wanna know every secret you’ve been hiding…I wanna know just how long have you been lying..”

Chris had been concerned when you walked into the studio, looking almost entirely functional and not worse for wear at all.

It made sense, your best friend’s worry. It had only been 3 days since…since the incident and besides an update message, you had burrowed yourself at home and entirely unreachable. But here you were today, sheets of paper filled with your scrawl covering the table in front of you- lyrics.

Read them, you’d muttered, shoving the pages towards him- your hands shook slightly, the first crack in your façade. They’re a bit of a mess, but they mostly make sense.

Only you would remember being drunk off your mind on whiskey and later, wine the whole time. Alternating between feverish writing and heartbroken sobbing. Pretending to be completely fine to Hongjoong, telling him to not ‘interrupt your creative process’. Staring out into the starrless night skies and wishing that one day soon, Hongjoong would feel the hell you were feeling now. One day, you would look a camera in the eye and sing these lyrics out loud, for the world to hear, for him to hear. And you’ll be damned if that day, Kim Hongjoong didn’t get his final taste of who he’d just lost.

 “I wanna know…does she fuck you like I did, I wanna know,  will she love you like I did..”

Getting the right feel to the lyrics while recording the song had been all too easy, waving off Hongjoong’s curiosity about your newest project easier so.

It was a surprise for him, you would smile, dropping fleeting kisses against his cheekbones and jaw just the way he liked. He always smiled and dragged your mouth to his own, letting his smile slide against your own, murmuring that he was going to follow you into the studio to take a peek for curiosity’s sake. 

Talk often fizzled out at that point, because god, it was so difficult to stay away from each other’s bodies and out of each other’s arms after the long days of being your own people, strong and resourceful and adult and independent. It was easier to let your muscle memories take over, touch and sense and feel every single wretched thing that Hongjoong was so capable of making you feel.  

 “She won't do you like me, she won't love you like me, baby…she won't touch you like me, she won't love you like me, baby…”

You would be lying if you said you didn’t get a wild sense of pleasure singing those lines, your eyes not leaving the camera pointed at you. Was it revenge well served? A broken heart being healed?

Over the weeks of preparing for the song, you’d realized how true those words were. The burning sense of betrayal and hurt hadn’t faded in the least- you still woke up every morning feeling lesser than, but never again. Never would you let anybody feel like this again.

Nobody would love Hongjoong like you could. It was about time he realized that. Pity, though, that you wouldn’t be around to witness it. 

“She won't love you like, she won't love you like me.”

The music fizzled out into silence, the producers counting down as you stayed still- 3,2,1 cut! In pursuit of the feeling of reckless freedom, Hongjoong had lost the one person he claimed made him feel like he belonged. How unfortunate for him, you mused, as the studio erupted in claps, the producers grinning widely and everybody smiling at each other. In the middle of the chaos, the door swung open- His eyes were wide, short blonde hair a windswept mess against his forehead, the single stalk of your favourite flower hanging limp in his hands. Surely there were paint marks on his cuffs, and the tiny earring would jingle prettily when he moved, but as his gaze met your dead ones, you could only think one thing-

She won't love you like, she won't love you like me.

Thank you for reading! Do let me know what you think~ xoxo, Elliana.

Network Tag: @kpopscape​

[dinamitae]

i'm yours | ksj

part of the life goes on series

pairing: seokjin x f. reader genre: modern/quarantine!au, established relationship!au, fluff, slice of life word count: 2.5k+ girl what happened to drabbles??! rating: pg15 warnings: set during quarantine, talk of the pandemic, mentions of sex, suggestive comments, a gross amount of affection, literal tooth-rotting fluff summary: this is the second birthday you’re celebrating in quarantine and your boyfriend, seokjin, vows to make it even more memorable than the last.

a/n: uhh surprise!!! i planned to have jungkook's out next but i somewhat spontaneously got inspiration for this one and ended up cranking it out in about a week. but tbh this was so fun to write and i hope it shows :))

one more thing - this is the ring i used for reference ;) happy reading!

The lingering warmth of your boyfriend beside you slowly dissipating is what wakes you up this morning.

Previously beside you, actually, and you’re only about half awake at the moment. You’re vaguely aware of the comforter being pulled back, the chilly morning air tickling a sliver of your now-exposed back. You roll fully onto your stomach and fold your arms above your head as you listen to the soft rustling of fabric, your boyfriend quietly getting dressed. “What time is it?”

Seokjin chuckles, voice deep and still a little rough with sleep, and ignores your inquiry. Instead, he puts one knee on the bed so he can lay his head right by yours, nose centimeters from brushing your own. “Good morning, birthday girl.”

“Morning,” you rasp, eyes still closed. “What time is it?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he mumbles softly, tilting his head up to kiss your nose (you scrunch it almost reflexively, and he chuckles again). “Go back to sleep, angel.”

You pout at that. “Are you going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I need to...run an errand.” You manage to pry one eyelid open to glare at him suspiciously. “Since when do you run errands?”

“Okay, your first birthday gift from me is that I’m not going to retaliate to that. I’ll be back in a bit.” The one eye you have open rolls ever-so-slightly at his wit before fluttering shut.

“Whatever,” you playfully sigh, reveling in the way his soft lips feel on your forehead. Completely oblivious to the adoring expression that your boyfriend wears, the last thing you hear is his receding footsteps before sleep overtakes you once more.

You wake up again about an hour later to the aroma of coffee wafting into your bedroom.

After slipping one of Seokjin’s big t-shirts and a fresh pair of panties on, you pad into your bathroom to brush your teeth, blankly staring at yourself in the mirror and watching the minty foam collect around the corners of your mouth. You’re turning 25 today. This is the second birthday you’re celebrating in quarantine, which at this point just feels...normal. You remember how sad you felt during your 24th birthday, how uncertain you felt about the state of the world around you. It almost felt wrong to celebrate anything, even your birthday, while there were people out there dying. Luckily, Seokjin was there to very level-headedly remind you that the same can be said for just about any point in time, and that you deserved to celebrate your birthday regardless of the circumstances. And so, albeit a little reluctantly, you did.

Honestly, being with Seokjin has been your saving grace during quarantine. The two of you had only recently started living together when everything shut down, and you’re both fairly busy (you recently started your last semester of law school, Seokjin is the co-editor in chief at a local newspaper), independent people— needless to say, there was definitely some trial and error when you first had to work from home. But you eventually fell into a nice rhythm that suited both of your work and solitude needs, and for that you are so, so thankful.

You finish the rest of your morning routine before heading downstairs, where you’re greeted by a box of pastries, two cups of coffee, and your boyfriend leaning his hip against the counter. He looks up from his phone with a smile when he hears you approach. “Good morning...again.”

“An errand, huh?” You eye the baby pink and white stripes lining the box on the counter, indicating that they’re from your favorite local bakery. You raise an accusatory eyebrow at Seokjin and mirror his stance.

“Yup,” he gives you a tender kiss on the lips. “Only for you. Happy birthday, babe.”

You smile and thank him softly, standing on your tippy toes to peck him on the lips again before grabbing an apple turnover. Seokjin takes that as an opportunity to wrap his arms around your waist from behind and rest his chin on your shoulder. You sink your teeth into the pastry that’s still warm on your tongue, then you blindly try to offer your boyfriend a bite. Giggles escape both of your lips when you miss entirely and some jelly ends up on his cheek— you dutifully turn your head to kiss it off of his face before actually putting the treat in his mouth.

“As much as I love my apple turnovers,” you loll your head to the side so your face is half buried in the crook of his neck, “I’m a little disappointed that morning head wasn’t my first present.”

You feel just as much as you hear his rumbling laugh behind you. “Don’t worry,” he plants a kiss on the side of your head with a smirk, “I’m saving that for later.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

So far, the day has consisted mostly of responding to a gracious amount of birthday text messages, phone calls, and even a few brief but heart-warming facetimes. At around noon, you and Seokjin pick up some fried chicken takeout for lunch, talking and laughing and eating in the safety of his car, before making a brief trip to the grocery store to get some ingredients for dinner along with a small birthday cake.

Evening rolls around, and Seokjin’s stomach grumbles impatiently while you’re cuddling on the couch— with a laugh you take that as a sign to start making dinner. As you’re opening a can of tomatoes for the vodka sauce you both love, your boyfriend puts on some music— more specifically, the playlist he curated for your birthday last year. You cook in comfortable silence alongside each other, save for the occasional “‘scuse me” when you maneuver around one another and the sound of your voices softly singing along to the lyrics. You’re just about to turn the heat down under the sauce so it doesn’t burn while the penne finishes boiling when one of your favorite sappy songs, Sunday Morning by Maroon 5, comes on shuffle.

“Awe, ‘cmere,” Seokjin coos and gently tugs you into his arms with the hand closest to him, holding it right above his heart while his other arm wraps around your torso. You snake your free arm over his broad shoulders and rest your cheek on the other side of his chest. The two of you resume your comfortable silence, basking in each other’s presence as you sway to the jazzy tune.

Sometimes you can’t believe that this is your life. Slow dancing in the kitchen with the love of your life was something you honestly thought was an exaggheration— just one of the many ways people romanticize love and all that it entails. Finding someone that understands you like no one else and loves you for all your flaws was something you merely dreamt of, something that seemed so unattainable. But here you are, dancing in the kitchen with the love of your life, feeling understood and loved and cherished in every way imaginable. And it’s all because of Seokjin.

In light of your thoughts, you let out a blissful sigh. “I love you, you know that?”

Your boyfriend peers down at you fondly, taken aback by your seemingly random proclamation. “Gee, after dating for three years I would hope so.”

You smack his shoulder with a tsk despite the warmth creeping onto your cheeks. “Shut up, I’m just feeling...soft. And it’s your fault, by the way.”

“Is it, now?”

“Yeah,” you mumble into his chest, before looking up to meet his eyes. “You just...make me feel so loved— so special, even when it’s not my birthday. And I hope I make you feel the same, because I really do love you, Jinnie. So much.”

Seokjin rubs a soothing hand on your back as he sucks in a breath and gives your hand, still in his, a reassuring squeeze. “Well, I hope you know that you make me feel the same and more, y/n. You make me so happy and I— I fall more and more in love with you everyday.”

You struggle to find the words to describe just how greatly you reciprocate his sentiment, so instead you pull him impossibly closer, your lips meeting in a languid kiss. Seokjin moves to deepen it, his hand gently cupping the side of your face while one of yours slides into his hair, when the timer set for the pasta rings through the air.

You reluctantly pull away, a faint smile on your lips. Seokjin huffs in mock annoyance as you wipe some lip gloss off of his bottom lip. “Sorry, I love you but I love properly cooked pasta more.”

After finishing your delicious homemade meal, you find yourself sitting at your kitchen table once again, your store-bought cake with mismatched candles lit on top sitting in front of you.

(“There are only five in here!” Your boyfriend calls to you from the kitchen, as you’re currently in the bathroom.

You bark out a laugh, unable to contain your amusement. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah, leave it to us to forget to buy candles while we’re literally at the store getting a cake.” A pause. “Don’t worry, each candle can count for 5 years!”

“...Fuck off!”)

Seokjin hurries back from the light switch to sit across from you so he can properly sing you a happy birthday before the wax melts onto the cake. You listen intently, mesmerized by your boyfriend’s singing voice that’s just as beautiful as everything else you love about him. When he finishes, your eyes flutter shut, both out of serenity and obligation.

This is the part where you usually pretend to make a wish, but this year you feel like there are some important matters to be wished for. World peace, maybe? The pandemic ending soon would be nice— for everyone but especially for you being able to kick some attorney ass in person and not just on a zoom call. Happiness...is that too basic? Oh, also—

“Yah, are you writing an essay to the birthday fairy in that head of yours?”

You open your eyes to shoot him a glare that’s met with an amused smile from Seokjin. “That hardly makes any sense,” you weakly rebut, though you concede that you did have your eyes closed for longer than probably necessary. You extinguish all five candles in one blow.

While you cut two generous slices of your cake (red velvet with cream cheese frosting, your favorite), Seokjin goes into your bedroom to fetch your gift, flicking the lights back on as he exits. He returns with a small purple gift bag that has white tissue paper peeking out of the top and hands it to you, sitting beside you this time instead of across the table.

You open the card first (like the polite person that you are), which reads “Happy Birthday to my main squeeze” with lemons wearing sunglasses on the front. You’re still giggling at the pun when you unfold it completely, a few slips of card stock falling out as you do so.

“Coupons…?” Your voice trails off as you read the hand-written tickets. “One free chore, one free tickle attack— ooh, a free kiss! I think I’ll cash that one in now,” you wiggle our eyebrows comically at your boyfriend. He lets out a hearty, window wiper-esque laugh before leaning in to give you a peck on the nose, positively endeared.

You bite your lip in excited concentration as you flip through the remaining ones, before releasing it into a fond pout. “Thank you, bubs, these are so cute.” You’re still admiring your boyfriend’s doodles while he takes a deep breath in lieu of a response. “There’s one more thing in there.”

Your eyebrows pinch a bit in confusion at his sudden nervousness, but you don’t question it just yet. You put your hand back into the bag and fish around in the sea tissue paper until your fingers land on a small, velvet box. You freeze, wide eyes immediately flitting to meet your boyfriend’s. “Jin…”

“This is not a proposal I promise,” his words jumble together in his rush to calm your nerves. You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding in, before pulling the box out of the bag. Opening it up, a small gasp escapes your lips at what lay inside. The ring is delicate in every sense of the word; a thin, gold band holds a total of seven gems, three small diamonds on either side of a stunning, oval-shaped emerald. “O— oh my god, this is beautiful, I’m— Jin, I’m at a loss of words…”

“I’m glad you like it,” he hums, taking another deep breath. “I know we agreed that we don’t want to get married just yet, but I...I also know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Like I said earlier, y/n, you make me so happy— happier than I’ve ever been— and living with you during this stupid pandemic only solidified that.” He looks up to see you already admiring him through teary eyes, the enamored smile painting your features giving him the confidence to say his next sentence. “So this can be your reminder that I promise to marry you one day, and that I’ll do anything in my power to make you just as happy, if not more.”

You sit up a little straighter, caressing his cheek lovingly. “God, you already make me so incredibly happy...and you remind me every day that we’re in this for the long run— all the little things you do for me, every time you’re patient with me, constantly talking about getting a dog,” he lets out a watery chuckle at that. “I love this...so much, don’t get me wrong— but I don’t need a ring to remind me, you know?”

“I know, baby,” he turns to kiss the palm of your hand, “but I’m also tired of fending off guys at the bar. Now you’ll have a pretty little ring on your finger to let ‘em know you’re mine.”

The combination of his words and the playful, yet sincere grin on his lips strikes a chord within you, and not just in your heart; he is yours, and you are his. This isn’t exactly news to you— you’ve had this conversation with him a handful of times before, where you both agreed that you weren’t ready for marriage just yet. And while you were truthful in saying that you don’t need a ring to remind you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, it’s still one of the most thoughtful gifts you’ve ever received (it also makes you want to jump his bones...and soon).

Despite your racing heart and your thoughts that are far from innocent, you opt for rolling your eyes and inching closer until your faces are mere inches apart. You feel your eyelashes brush his cheeks as you briefly look down at his lips, then back up into his warm, inviting eyes. The same warm, inviting eyes that you’ll happily gaze into for the rest of your life.

“Yeah, I’m yours.”

a/n: if anyone happens to recall, this one was originally titled "a promise" on the series masterlist, but i decided to change it after writing that last bit :,) i hope you enjoyed reading, & feedback/comments are always appreciated!!!! <3

[thrillridesz]

all i want for christmas | eric

in part of the deobi secret santa project and dedicated as a gift to @channiewoo​ ✨ ( i hope you like it >< i tried my best! )

➳ pairing: college student!eric x reader ( ft juyeon, kevin, chanhee and sangyeon with jacob mentions! )

➳ genre: fluff, fantasy, time travel!au, time loop!au, christmas!au, university!au, love triangle!au ( ish? )

➳ warnings: n/a (PG13)

➳ word count: 4.6k

➳ inspo: lotus inn by why don’t we

➳ fic playlist: all i want for christmas - big time rush ft miranda cosgrove | lotus inn - why don’t we | christmassy! - the boyz | you belong with me - taylor swift | crush - david archuleta

a/n : this is my christmas secret santa gift to eri @channiewoo​  ^^ also hi, i’m your theb secret santa! thank you for being such a sweet person to talk to throughout this month and honestly you really made my first secret santa here on tumblr pretty memorable! i know we’ve just exchanged a few asks here and there but i genuinely did like talking to you though im not the most frequent secret santa anon out there >< i sincerely hope you can forgive me for that. but anyways, i hope you like your gift!!

+ also unedited for now because i really wanted to post this on christmas day... and tags are still not working but i don’t want to delay this any longer

The Christmas spirit could be felt in all corners of the house that night as the sweet aroma of freshly baked cookies and crackling log fire from the fireplace wafted in the air while party guests swayed to the upbeat  Christmas music playing on the stereo and chatted merrily amongst themselves. Outside, fine white snow was falling and against the black canvas of the night sky, it made the streets seem almost serene and even beautiful. Looking out, one could easily feel the Christmas mood as neighbours held their own christmas parties and family gatherings. Everywhere they looked, they would see beautifully decorated houses adorned with Christmas wreaths and intricate fairy lights. Sometimes, one would even see the occasional snowmans displayed out in the neighbours’ yards, covered in scarves and hats with the ever familiar carrot nose. From a distance a few doors down, one could also hear singing - a telltale sign of the local group of Christmas carolers making their rounds in the neighbourhood like they did every year.

This was what Christmas is all about - enjoying good food with loved ones, receiving amazing gifts, going door to door caroling and feeling at home with the people you appreciate and cherish while the winter snow falls outside. Yet, Eric felt anything but. In fact, his heart was pounding against his chest as he sipped nervously at his mug of hot apple cider. Around him, the party guests were mingling and laughing at the college Christmas party as they shared funny stories from the year they had, feeling particularly merry. Normally, it would have been easy for him to get in the mood but not this time.

“I don’t get what you’re so nervous about.” Kevin said, shaking his head. “Why can’t you just talk to her?”

“I don’t want to make a fool out of myself. What if I mess up?” He replied despondently, his eyes softening as he glanced at you from across the room.

There you were - decked out in a cute Christmas outfit just standing by the fireplace, your hair falling around your face and framing it, looking more beautiful than he had remembered. The smile on your face made his heart flutter ever so slightly and he could feel his face grow warmer despite having a huge mug of apple cider just in front of him. The santa hat you wore added just that little touch of sweetness and adorableness to you and Eric couldn’t help but feel his heart start to pound in his chest. If you weren’t already stunning to him, you were breathtakingly beautiful to him now. Every little smile or shy glance made his heart beat just a little faster and he reached up to clutch softly as his chest.

“It’s better than not trying at all, Eric.” Kevin pointed out, taking a bite out of his gingerbread cookie. “You ought to have a little bit more faith in yourself.”

Eric sighed in resignation. “It’s so much easier talking about it than actually doing it. Everytime I think about doing it, I chicken out. I just can’t seem to stop fearing about possibly screwing it up, Kev.”

Kevin regarded him with a sympathetic look before patting him reassuringly on the shoulder. “I understand. Look man, if you don’t feel ready then you don’t have to force yourself to talk to her.”

“I promised myself that today would be the day.”

“Yeah, I know you did but still, you don’t have to force yourself. Your face is turning pale from the anxiety.” The latter said, concerned.

“It is?” Eric asked, alarmed as he quickly turned to the window beside him, checking out his reflection. He narrowed his eyes as he reached up to ruffle his hair in an attempt to make it look somewhat better though all it did was make it seem more tousled.

Kevin watched him, chuckling softly. Men in love are truly a different breed.

“Hey, Kev! I nearly forgot, do you want to listen to my newly curated Christmas playlist? I’ve been meaning to ask but I couldn’t find you.” Sangyeon suddenly appeared from behind the duo, with a joyous grin on his face. Kevin gave Eric a questioning look which he waved away.

“I’ll be fine.” He smiled.

“Alright… If you need anything, just call me!” Kevin said, casting him a last fleeting glance as he walked away with Sangyeon.

Holding the mug of hot apple cider close to his chest, Eric leaned against the cold glass panel of the window, staring out listlessly despite the steady pounding of his heart. He shot a furtive glance in your direction and quickly looked away, his cheeks reddening. At this rate, it would not be long before he turned as red as Rudolph’s nose.

“Get a grip, Eric. Why are you being such a wimp?” He chided himself. Looking around, Eric couldn’t help but observe his surroundings wistfully.

Everyone was seemingly in their element - snacking on Christmas snacks, dancing and just having fun. By the boombox, he watched as Hyunjae engaged in conversation with a girl who he did not recognise. The way they were laughing and the way she so flirtatiously slapped him on the shoulder, giggling at something Hyunjae said made Eric feel so deeply envious. Even from where he was, the smitten look on her face was undeniable and he wondered why he couldn’t have been more of a ladies’ man like Hyunjae was. Things would have been so much easier for him. Why is it that whenever it came to you he was suddenly the most awkward person to grace the face of this earth? It just didn’t make sense to him.

Sighing, he took another sip of his hot apple cider, feeling the liquid burn at the back of his throat. Suddenly, he frowned, his eyes narrowing. Who was that?

He had one of the most attractive faces Eric had ever seen - with soft, fine dark hair, a strong build and a warm smile that simply lit up the room. There he was, talking to you and you sliding your hand over his shoulder, not in a seductive or flirtatious way but in a friendly way though it was still enough to spark jealousy in Eric’s heart. He watched intently as you leaned in to whisper something in his year, his smile growing wider at your words.

Eric longed to know what the two of you were talking about, his grip on his mug growing tighter and firmer.

“Lost your chance, buddy.”

Swivelling around, Eric nearly spilled his apple cider as he turned to face a pink haired boy with an upturned nose. He didn’t remember seeing him around but there was something odd about him that Eric couldn’t quite put his finger on. Not to mention, that statement really did rub him off the wrong way.

“Excuse me?” His tone was slightly icy as he furrowed his brows together, frowning at the stranger in front of him.

“Didn’t you want to talk to her?” The boy asked, taking a swig of his hot chocolate, seemingly not noticing the confused look Eric was shooting him.

“Do I know you?”

“Oh right! I’m sorry, I should have introduced myself. How rude of me… I’m Chanhee but you can call me New. Everyone does,” he smiled warmly, “you’re Eric?”

Eric narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Yes? How do you know my name?”

“I just do. I know everyone,” He waved away his question nonchalantly, “I see you have a Christmas sweetheart.”

He tipped his mug in your direction and Eric felt his face grow hotter, annoyance setting in at the same time.

“How is that any of your business?” He snapped, his tone indignant and confrontational.

“I am here to help so watch your tone around me.” New rolled his eyes, looking at him in disdain though there was a twinkle in his eyes as he continued, “I can help you get the girl.”

Eric cast you a sideway glance before turning back to New with a skeptical expression. Whoever this guy was, he was weird, odd. Yet, the proposal he had proposed was a tempting one and despite himself, he felt inclined to listen. Watching you from afar, Eric’s heart sank just a little deeper as the guy you were talking to suddenly reached up to brush your hair away from your face, the both of you looking into each other’s eyes as he did. The irritation and jealousy he felt came back stronger than ever and before he knew it, the words were out of his mouth before he even knew it.

“How can you help?”

At his words, New grinned, drawing a small crystal vial from his pocket. The vial was filled with a mysterious sparkly, glowy pink liquid and smelled distinctively of roasted chestnuts though Eric was almost a thousand percent sure the liquid was not made of any kind of roasted chestnuts in any shape or form. As New popped open the cap, the scent grew even stronger and Eric shot him an alarmed look.

“What is that? A drug?!” Looking around frantically, it felt like nobody was paying the two of them any attention, being too preoccupied with their own conversations. How is nobody noticing this?

“Calm down and don’t get your panties in a twist.” New scoffed, “It’s a time travel potion. Or a time loop potion if you will.”

This guy is actually crazy. Eric almost wanted to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of it all but barely managed to suppress it.

“Okay…?”

“Yup, I made it myself. Took me like half a year to brew it to perfection but it should work now. I followed each step really closely so there should be no problems.”

“Yeah, sure man. Thanks for wasting my time. If you don’t mind, I’ll be leaving. Thanks for the false hope.” Eric grumbled, taking his leave and not even bothering to consider the chagrined look on New’s face. Mayhaps Christmas is not his time either. He wondered how long this would drag on. When Valentine’s Day rolled around, he chickened out and said ‘next time’. When Halloween rolled around, he chickened out yet again and promised to make a move by Thanksgiving yet when Thanksgiving rolled around, he settled for Christmas. Now…

“Maybe it’s just not meant to be. Maybe I’m just too much of a coward.” He whispered to himself, pushing his way through the crowd of people. As he took yet another sip of his hot apple cider, he couldn’t help but keep his eye on you. The way you were now looping your arms over the guy’s neck and the way he had his large hands on your waist made Eric want to leave the party. If only he had a little bit more faith…

“What time is it anyways?” He murmured to himself, wanting more than anything to leave.

9:04pm. Damn. It wouldn’t be until two hours later for the party to end. Sure, he could always leave early but he would hate to be seen as disrespectful to everyone else especially Jacob, the host of this lovely party.

He stared at the mug of hot apple cider he had in his hand, scrunching up his nose at the taste of it.

Was it just him or did it taste slightly… Off?

Eric gazed at it for a moment before he shook his head. I’m overthinking everything, he thought. However as he stood over the snack table, he felt a sharp pain at the back of his head. It was like having someone slap him at his head before his vision turned blurry. His limbs were beginning to go soft and his mouth dry. What was happening? He blinked rapidly but to no avail. It felt like he was falling in a deep pit…

When he opened his eyes again, everything felt fine. Patting himself lightly on the face, he looked around his surroundings in confusion. Just what was that? Did he imagine all of that? The mug of hot apple cider was still in his hands and the reindeer horns band was still on his head. He was wearing the same clothes and everything had become clear, there were no more blurry visions. The pounding in his head had stopped and it felt like whatever happened earlier was merely a figment of his own imagination.

“Eric…? Eric!”

The voice shook him from his stupor and with a start, he lifted his head to see Kevin regarding him with a questioning look on his face.

“You okay? You zoned out for a minute and I mean, really zoned out.”

“Y-Yeah… Aren’t you supposed to go listen to Sangyeon’s playlist or something?”

Kevin raised an eyebrow.

“What playlist?”

Eric frowned. “Didn’t Sangyeon ask you to listen to his Christmas playlist?”

“Um… No? Even if he has one, he hasn’t asked me yet.”

Eric looked at Kevin with confusion in his eyes. What was going on? Last he remembered, that was exactly what happened. Swivelling around, the confusion got even stronger when he saw you standing all alone at the other corner of the house. Were you not with that guy?

Instantly, he remembered what New had said. “Time travel potion…” He mumbled under his breath, his eyes widening when the realisation dawned upon. No way…

Whipping out his phone, it felt like his heart was about to pound right out of his chest when he saw the time. His throat felt dry and tight as he stared, unable to believe his eyes.

8:46pm.

Eric suddenly recalled the weird taste he had gotten in his cider and instinctively, his hand reached up to cover his mouth. There was no other explanation for this other than the fact that one, that New or was it Kyu guy had not been lying when he spoke of a time travel potion and two, he had slipped him the potion on purpose when he wasn’t looking. He could feel the anger bubble up within him - the nerve of that guy! With pure, unadulterated fury in his eyes, his gaze swept across the room, looking for him. Kevin looked on, thoroughly puzzled.

“...Eric? Are you okay? You’ve got a weird look on your face.” He asked, concerned. “Eric?”

All anger had just dissipated from his being as his sights finally landed on you. There you were, standing all alone at the fireplace with a drink in your hand while your friend danced. The look on your face was one of loneliness and even from a mile away, anyone could tell you looked extremely awkward at having been left alone while she swayed up against Haknyeon, a guy he recognised from his Medieval History module.

From the corner of his eye, he could see the same dark haired guy he had seen approach you ‘earlier’. Following his gaze, Eric could feel his stomach drop as he realised that they were on you. From his body language, it was clear that he was about to make his way over and take his chances with you.

Just then, a voice at the back of his mind whispered softly.

“What are you waiting for?”

Taking a deep breath, Eric squared his shoulders and hurriedly straightened the jacket he was wearing. This is it. This is actually it. He was going to do it. His legs were moving now, one step after another in large strides towards you. The sound of his heart pounding was practically deafening to his ears and he could feel his legs turning into lead, each footstep heavier than the next. Squeezing past the crowd, another voice - this time insistent and panicky - suddenly cried out.

“No, don’t do this! What if you embarrass yourself and make yourself out to be a fool?”

Eric’s face paled. No, this is a mistake. What was he doing?

“Hello?”

Shaking out of his thoughts, Eric almost jumped back in shock at the sight of you just right in front of him. Before he even realised it, he had made his way over. It is now too late to back out. Had he been standing there like an idiot this whole time?

“I-I… Hey!” He squeaked out, his heart almost leaping out of his chest.

“You’re Eric right? Eric Sohn from Professor Kim’s introduction to accounting class?” You asked kindly.

From the corner of his eye, he could see the guy from ‘earlier’ approaching, pushing past the crowd and judging from his demeanour… It seemed like the competition was still in the game.

He needed to pull this off.

“Yeah, I am. Y/n right? It’s a pretty cool party, isn’t it?”

“Mhm! Pretty great so far! My friend is over there dancing but I’m not much of a party dancer so here I am,” you smiled and Eric almost forgot what he was about to say.

“I-”

“Hey, how are you guys enjoying the party?”

Eric looked up and his brows furrowed into an annoyed and anxious ‘v’. The dark haired competition merely grinned back at him though there was a certain glint in his eyes which made Eric clench his jaw tightly. It was the sort of gaze that was long enough to send a goading message - game on.

He smiled and extended a hand towards you, completely ignoring Eric. “I’m Juyeon, roommate of Jacob’s. I saw you from afar and thought I’d come say hi.”

You shook his hand, oblivious to the tension between the two guys. “I’m y/n. It’s nice to meet you.”

Juyeon briefly lifted his gaze to Eric and without anyone’s notice but his, he winked slyly.

“Revolting.” Eric thought angrily.

“I heard they have some really cool peppermint treats at the candy table, wanna come?” Juyeon asked and quickly Eric said, “I heard they have a great log cake at the snack bar though. I’ve heard people raving about it!”

You looked at the both of them, seemingly a little disconcerted. “Uh… I…” Juyeon shot Eric a scathing look which he returned with a smug smile.

“Who doesn’t love a good old log cake?” He asked, to which Juyeon rolled his eyes at.

“I mean… I do love peppermint…” You trailed off and Eric turned to you with wide eyes as big as saucers and Juyeon’s lips lifted into a smug smile.

“Excellent choice! I hear they have so many varieties…” Juyeon chattered on, placing his arm over your shoulder, leaving poor Eric speechless and red faced, watching helplessly as the two of you walked away from him. Turning behind you, you had an apologetic look on your face but said nothing.

“That’s too bad. I was rooting for you, you know?”

Eric swivelled around to find New standing behind him yet again, this time chewing on a piece of toffee. The time on his watch was clear as day as the red, glowing digits stared right back at him - 9:04pm. It had come full circle. He had the chance to turn things around but he had failed. Somehow, the nonchalant look in New’s face irritated him but he tried to remain calm. His gaze drifted down to the bulge in the man’s jacket pocket, tracing the faint outline of the tiny vial that contained the potion from earlier.

“At least we know now that I’m legit, right?” He winked at Eric, smirking as he did though it dropped when he saw the look on the latter’s face.

“Why are you-”

“Please, give me one more chance. Please just let me turn back time this one more time.” He pleaded. Eric was not one to plead but this time, he was feeling particularly desperate.

New looked at him like he had just sprouted an extra head before he burst out laughing.

“How’s that for a turn of the tables, Mr ‘thank you for wasting my time’?” He asked, still giggling. Clearly, he was taking much joy in this new dynamic - something Eric didn’t look too pleased about though he was not about to act on it. After all, it was New’s potion that allowed him this one more chance which he had quite unspectacularly let slip from his grasp.

“Alright, I suppose I could let you try this one more time though I’ll definitely be charging for your next usage.” New sighed, whipping out the vial. “I did want you to succeed after all.”

As Eric gulped down his drink, the familiar feeling of dizziness washed over him yet again, along with the looseness in his limbs and before he knew it, he found himself standing right where he was with you standing where you were previously.

This time, Eric squared his shoulders and ran a hand nervously through his hair. There you were yet again, standing by the fireplace with that drink in your hand.

“No hesitation this time,” he whispered to himself before he made his way over. He barely even paid attention to Juyeon coming in from the side as he struck up a conversation.

“Hey, y/n from professor Kim’s introduction to accounting right?”

You turned to him, looking a little surprised before you smiled warmly at him.

“Yeah! Eric, is it? It’s nice to see you here.”

“How’s things going so far at the party?” He asked, trying to keep the edge out of his voice. His nervousness was getting to him quickly but the thought of messing up yet again reined him back in and his smile stayed on.

You wrinkled your nose as if considering his question before you replied, “Well, it’s going alright so far. I’m not really a party sort of person but I thought I’d make an exception since you know, Jacob’s my friend.”

“I see! I don’t usually mind parties but I do like…” He paused as he saw Juyeon approaching, the gears in his head whirring away and you looked at him curiously.

“Eric…?”

“How about we go get some peppermint? I hear they have a variety here.” He suggested quickly, his eyes darting towards Juyeon’s direction.

You stared at him, looking a little perturbed but then grinned and nodded. “Sure, I love peppermints.”

Before Juyeon could even make his way over, the two of you had walked away, squeezing past the dancing crowd. The bass beat of the music was so resounding throughout the house that it almost seemed as if the walls were vibrating as well. The glitter and lights all around all looked stunning but perhaps a little too stunning as Eric made his way through the crowd with you just right by him. From all sides, people were accidentally bumping into each other and more than once, he almost lost his balance.

As the two of you neared the candy table, Eric realised too late that perhaps pushing past the crowd had been a bad idea and that a smarter way would be to stay out of the dance floor when he felt himself fall forward. Someone’s foot had been there and without looking, he had tripped over and landed with a huge thud on the floor, flat on his belly. His chin collided with the ground and if he had hit it just a little harder, had the impact been just a tad stronger, he might have suffered a serious injury.

Since you were just trailing behind him, his unexpected fall had sent you falling as well. As the both of you crashed against the ground, some members of the crowd audibly gasped as people shuffled out of the way. Though it may have hurt when he fell, Eric’s heart ached much more than the bruise he would no doubt sport on his knees tomorrow. Seeing you sprawled next to him and knowing all of this happened only because of him, he wanted nothing more than to dig a hole right there and then and leap right in.

A few partygoers reached out to help him up and right next to him, Juyeon appeared in front of you, extending a hand with a look of concern. Eric watched as the two of you looked into each other’s eyes and like in a fairytale princess bedtime story, you reached out tentatively to hold onto Juyeon’s hand as his heart fell to the ground with a messy splat.

“Y/n-”

“Are you guys okay?” Juyeon asked though it seemed as if he was only asking you in general.

“Yeah, we’re alright. Thank you.” You said softly, still seemingly a little frazzled.

“Come, let us go get you seated somewhere.”

Eric couldn’t help but simply stand there and look helplessly as the both of you wandered away, his heart feeling like it was about to shatter into pieces. A second chance he was given and he screwed it up and if that wasn’t enough, he was offered yet another shot which went worse than his first. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe no matter how many times he tried, tonight was just not the night. Or perhaps nothing was ever destined to happen between you two. The jolly christmas music was still playing but he no longer was in the Christmassy spirit anymore.

All he wanted for Christmas was you but it seemed that that didn’t seem so possible anymore, if not impossible.

As the partygoers resumed their dancing, all he could do was plop himself down on the nearby couch and do nothing except nurse not just his fallen pride but also his feelings which never had the chance to express themselves before it got completely shut down.

Grabbing a bottle of ginger ale from a nearby pack, he took a swig and felt the ale burn as it ran down his throat. Usually, he would have loved it but tonight, it just left a bitter taste in his mouth. Keeping his head down, Eric exhaled deeply. He ought to just give up completely.

“Hey, Eric.”

At the sound of your voice, his head snapped up and he gazed up at you with wide eyes. There you were, standing before him and looking down at him as he wallowed in his own feelings. How long have you been standing there? Why were you here?

“Y-y/n?”

You gave him a bashful glance as you sat yourself next to him. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt?”

“I… I… “ He simply stared at you, his mouth gaping like a fish and looking absolutely flummoxed. “Didn’t Juyeon-”

“I couldn’t possibly leave you alone.” You hurried to say and when he didn’t reply, you continued. “Do you… Do you mind if I sit here with you?”

It took Eric a second for it to register in his mind what you had just asked of him before he grew flustered just as the joy in him began to spark.

“Do I mind? No! Of course not! You’re welcomed here! Please, sit with me!”

As he chattered on nervously, you couldn’t help but admire the way his eyes would light up whenever he talked and how charming his smile was. He was in the habit of moving his hands around a lot which though some might find annoying, you only found to be endearing. You could feel your heart beating quickly which always happened whenever you were near him, saw him around class or even just at the mere mention of his name.

As you looked into his eyes, you felt yourself clench on tightly to the couch, the excitement in you simply immeasurable. You couldn’t help but smile as you felt the weight of the vial in your pocket. A worthy bargain indeed from the mysterious pink haired boy.

This was all you wanted for Christmas.