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#listen.........they're all i care about in the end
merwgue · 2 days
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The idea of Nyx and Tamlin becoming mates in a platonic, parental sense is an incredibly profound and heartwarming twist. It redefines what it means to be a mate—showing that the deepest connections aren’t always romantic but can also be based on trust, care, and the unconditional love found in parental relationships.
Imagine Nyx, the child of two deeply traumatized and distracted parents—Feyre and Rhysand. Despite their best efforts, they rush into parenthood for all the wrong reasons, feeling the pressure of impending danger and the belief that time is running out. They're powerful, yes, but so burdened by their past that they can’t give Nyx the love and attention he needs to thrive. They try to be present, but emotional neglect slowly seeps in, leaving Nyx feeling alone, unloved, and desperate for connection. They compensate with material things, but it’s not enough. Nyx is still just a boy, craving someone who will truly see him.
At around ten years old, in an attempt to make his parents notice him, Nyx starts sneaking off to the Spring Court. What begins as an act of rebellion turns into something entirely unexpected. Tamlin—who has been broken, hollow, and struggling to rebuild his life—finds this small, vulnerable boy suddenly seeking him out. At first, Tamlin is hesitant. He’s never been good with children. He doesn’t know how to connect, especially not after all the devastation he’s been through. But slowly, Nyx keeps coming back, visiting him again and again. Tamlin begins to open up, maybe not in grand gestures, but in small acts of kindness—offering Nyx a safe space, listening when he speaks, giving him attention that’s not laced with expectation or distraction.
As the months pass, something shifts. Nyx starts to see Tamlin not as the feared High Lord of the Spring Court, but as someone who cares for him in a way that his own parents cannot. He finds solace in Tamlin’s presence, and Tamlin, in turn, finds a sense of purpose in looking after Nyx. It’s not about power or obligation—it’s simply about being there for this boy who so clearly needs a father figure. Tamlin never asked to be a father, but he can’t ignore the bond that’s quietly forming between them.
Then one day, after countless visits, Nyx accidentally calls Tamlin “papa.” It slips out in a moment of vulnerability, perhaps after a particularly rough day back at home. Immediately, Nyx freezes, terrified of how Tamlin might react. He starts to apologize, stumbling over his words, thinking he’s crossed a line. But instead of pulling away, Tamlin wraps him in a hug, a genuine, comforting embrace, and quietly says, “If you want me to, I will.” And in that moment, everything shifts.
The world seems to stop for both of them. The bond that snaps into place isn’t the romantic mating bond we’re used to seeing—it’s something entirely different. It’s a bond built on trust, on care, on the love of a protector for a child who needs him. It’s a parental bond, the kind that says, I will be here for you, always. I will keep you safe. I will love you like my own.
Nyx finally feels seen, finally feels loved in a way that’s not forced or transactional. And Tamlin, who has been so lost and broken, finds a new sense of purpose. He never expected to be anyone’s father, but in that moment, he becomes one—not because of blood or obligation, but because of the bond that has formed between him and this boy. Nyx starts calling him "papa," and Tamlin, despite all his fears, accepts it with open arms.
This is why Sarah J. Maas should expand the idea of mates beyond just romantic connections. Mates should be about completing each other’s souls, in whatever form that takes. For Nyx and Tamlin, it’s not about romantic love—it’s about the love between a father and a child, a love that grows naturally and beautifully out of shared understanding, trust, and care. And in the end, it’s this bond that brings healing to both of them.
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listen i don't like Daniel, that's a fact, but what's been happening to him during the course of this weekend has been nothing but cruel, unfair and frankly, disrespectful (even if the rumours turn out to be false). i hate nothing more in this sport than teams just dropping drivers in the middle of the season, with little to no warning whatsoever, if they didn't perform to the expectations. these people made and are still making so many sacrifices to be able to be in this sport, they work so fucking hard and i just hate seeing it go to waste like that. it's simply not fair.
you can come up with the regular excuses of it being a cutthroat sport, them being rich, white, privileged men, Daniel performing poorly, i do not care. yes, he hasn't been performing the way the team expected him to do so, but at the end of the day, he's still human and no one deserves that kind of treatment. rbr has been fucking over their drivers left and right and i absolutely despise that more teams are starting to do the same.
sending him out there to give interviews and answer questions about his own future in the sport, when he doesn't even know what it will be, is honestly the lowest of the low. they know exactly how nasty and rude f1 media is and a team putting their own driver in that position is something that should not be normalized. seeing his post race interview made my heart ache for him, he was literally a second away from crying then and there.
just as i've been upset about Nyk De Vries and Logan Sargeant being dropped in the same way, i feel the same for Daniel. it's not about whether you like a driver or not, it's about the principle. this is their dream, the thing they've been working for since they were literal toddlers and seeing it ripped away from them, without even giving them a proper shot is just inhumanely cruel.
i know that Daniel has been around for a while and he got to live his dream, but i still think it's unfair. rbr has been promising him this and that since he replaced De Vries last summer, just to (allegedly) drop him the next season with six more races left. even if they really want to replace him, then let him finish this season. he deserves that much.
i'm excited about the possibility of Liam finally getting a real shot, don't get me wrong and if he really ends up replacing Daniel, i'm happy for him, but i would like him to come into the sport under different circumstances. i also think that hating the driver who replaces another one, is pointless and frankly, stupid. this is not their decision, they obviously take the opportunity, cause getting into f1 is nearly impossible.
this is basically just to say that maybe we should remember from time to time, that they're not just athletes, but real people with feelings and we should always stay kind and compassionate. i've already seen so many hate posts about him, which shouldn't surprise me, but it did. this fandom likes to just jump on a person who's an easy target at the moment or pick and choose who they don't like at that time and all hell breaks loose.
the same thing happened when there were rumours about Daniel replacing Checo and all of a sudden, everyone had an issue with Checo's performance, him as a person, his actions and everyone thought that he deserved to be replaced. you don't have to like all of them, but at least be consistent with your opinions and know where the line is. you can't be upset about one driver being replaced mid-season, then turn around and wish that to happen to a different driver. that's hypocritical.
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weird-addiction · 2 days
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'Targ is gonna Targ' you're so right for that 😭 obviously you don't have to write this if it's too much! <3
Daemon Targaryen x Nephew!reader where reader is Rhaenyra's brother/twin (you can choose if they're twins or not) and gets jealous of all the attention she is getting from Daemon and begins to become bitter about it. Reader wants to be the favorite and tries to win his affection so much that it starts to become noticeable. You can choose how it ends I don't mind whatever outcome, obviously doesn't have to be smut but I just need some Daemon x male reader there's just so little 🧎🏻
All the Attention
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Pairing: Daemon Targaryen x Nephew!Reader
Genre: Neutral
Warnings: Targcest, Uncle x Nephew relationship, childbirth death, kind of rushed writing, suggestive themes
A/N: I got super busy lately this should have been a while ago
The day he was born was also the day his mother died, Queen Aemma could not survive the twin as it was unexpected and her body had failed. 
Viserys had fallen into grief while Daemon had his attention on his older sister Rhaenyra. He had no one. 
Growing up was just a pain for him as no one paid any attention to him. Even though he was his father’s heir, he still paid more attention to Rhaenyra than him. He only called for him for lessons on their history and stories. He was in small council while his sister was the cupbearer, he hardly listened as no one even paid him any thought.
It was not until his father remarried to the Lady Alicent Hightower that he started to pay attention. He may not listen during the council meetings, it did not mean he did not hear the whispers around the castle. He knew Otto was the snake, he knew Daemon knew, but yet, he did not know how to approach his own uncle about it.
He decided it one night when he could not sleep.
Knocking on his uncle's door, he entered when he heard the voice on the other side to allow permission. 
“Uncle. It’s me.”
Daemon turned to look at him over his shoulder from the couch he had. The Rogue Prince’s hair was short, it being cut when he was in the stepstones. 
“Nephew. What has you seeking me at this time of night?” He took a sip from his wine goblet. 
“I believe you know best of the Hightowers. Father would not have married Alicent out of duty, he only loved mother you have always told. So why did he-”
“Otto Hightower is a cunt.” Daemon cuts him off, his words harsh but he did not care. 
Y/n smiled at his words. “So you know as well as I do.” 
Daemon shot him a look. “Come. Sit by me.” Which Y/n did as his words had told. 
They were quiet for a few seconds before Daemon turned to his nephew who looked so alike to him, which he himself had told since Y/n’s birth that it was wrong. 
“The Hightowers want power. And now that bitch queen has your half-brother, no doubt she will push your father to put him on the throne instead of you.”
“Father won’t let that happen. I’m his first born son.” Y/n retorted, he was so sure of his words. 
“Power hungry men will do anything they can to get what they want.” Daemon states, there was truth in his words and Y/n knew it. 
But then he thought about it, there was something that tied into Daemon's own actions. 
“Aren’t you the same.” Y/n rolled his eyes. 
Daemon scoffed when he heard that, meaning he agreed. 
“You are around my sister all the time, you just want her for yourself. I can see it. The maids and servants whisper it. I may not listen to the council but I do hear the whispers that echo in the halls.” Y/n held his own authority and ground, he did not back down. 
Daemon threw the now empty goblet onto the table before gripping his nephew’s neck, pinning him to the backrest of the couch.
“Do not mistake me, nephew.” They locked eyes. “If you wanted my attention then all you had to do was ask.” 
Y/n smirked, it seemed like his uncle knew him better than himself. Within the next couple of seconds, their lips connected, their eyes closed as they felt each other. His hand went under Daemon’s shirt trying to pull it off. 
But they pulled away before it went too far. The night was still far too young for them to do this. Y/n’s mood turned bitter and Daemon saw it clear as the blood of the dragon that burned through his veins. The air around had changed, just waiting for one of them to make the move.
“Careful nephew, your father may take me for treason.” Daemon teased.
“It’s not treason if I am the crown.” Y/n countered. 
“Your bitterness is showing. Are you that jealous that I gave your sister the attention and not you?” 
Y/n sneered as he heard that. “My father doesn’t pay attention to me unless it’s for lessons. My mother is dead, my sister is always elsewhere, you only have eyes for Rhaenyra, my new stepmother is awkward to talk to, and my half-brother can’t even talk. Any more questions?” He smiled mockingly.
Daemon was amused by his nephew’s words, though he nodded nonetheless knowing that was the reality and truth. 
“Then I can give you the attention you crave, but only if you ask.”
“You better. Otherwise I am going to tell father to exile you again.”
“Don’t be bitter dear nephew, you have all my attention now.”
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kirumiri · 2 years
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Me, last week: yeah i enjoy kazuki and rei, they're really neat. don't think i'll ever ship them though Me, after thinking too hard about episode 5:
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honestlyvan · 1 year
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Let me be absolutely clear -- the problems with Tumblr will keep getting worse if the disabled minority and the trans people and the people frothing at the mouth at the opportunity to yell at a transphobe, keep @’ing staff and the developers on this site, tell them to kys, because in the meanwhile the transphobes and racists and white supremacists will keep using the actual tools Tumblr provides for blocking and reporting, further poisoning the datasets used for moderation, and encouraging the idea that using the official tools does nothing to basically ensure the only statistically meaningful data available to Automattic is poisoned, poisoned all the way down, poisoned beyond usability.
Hatespeech and bias needs to be reported for it to be considered statstically significant to act on from a developer point of view. Suicide baiting and spamming any of the official means of communication will get you eliminated as a spammer, even if you’re peppering legitimate criticism within your ventpost about how you hate the new thing. You are playing the TE/RFs game.
#van stuff#the biggest reason we don't have an easily accessible 'report hatespeech' button is a) because people misused the old one#and b) because it's not satistically significant enough to be the first thing people want to report#this is like. COMMON fucking knowledge that moderation on Tumblr is 99% automated and extremely cheesable#and you now who are cheesing it? TRANSPHOBES!!!#Like this is not even a 'the developers won't care' kind of thing#this is a 'THE DEVELOPERS NEED HARD DATA TO JUSTIFY MAKING CHANGES'#if the ARE actively malicious then the data contradicting everything they're saying will FORCE changes#and if they mean what they say when they say they value the site for its vibrant culture#then giving them hard data to share with unconvinced people signing off on them having the budget to change things will ONLY help#the whole 'let's yell at staff every time anything happens' is a shibboleth#You're all being fucking exhausting#I want to quit Tumblr because if the userbase is gonna be like this!!!#If ALL I SEE for DAYS ON END is 'staff this' 'staff that'#that's JUST GIVING ME WORSE ANXIETY ABOUT THIS SITE GOING DOWN#'this change is bad for disabled users' YOUR NEEDLESS CONSTANT HOSTILITY AND PANIC RAISING IS ALSO BAD FOR ME A DISABLED USER#WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE???#'Oh staff could make so much money if they only listened to feedback' you fuckers DON'T LEAVE FEEDBACK THOUGH#you just @ Staff and think that that's statistically meaningful data they can use#Fuck's sake#And that's not counting all the times staff *did* implement changes we wanted for years... AND YOU ALL STILL COMPLAINED#WE MODDED TAG VIEWING IN FOR YEARS AND NOW WHEN IT'S OFFICIAL YOU FUCKERS DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF#Fucking EXHAUSTING the lot of you
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facelessfractal · 2 months
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TMAGP confession, its perfect in every way i like all the characters + the amount of content we get per episode and never expected it to be a 1:1 to TMA, and being mad that the show isnt just straight up TMA 2 beat for beat is a personal failing on your part.
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horsemage · 5 months
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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running-in-the-dark · 5 months
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still no internet, also I had a bit of a breakdown over our dishwasher today (the damn thing doesn't fit with the door that we've got, but we'll figure it out, and if not I'll just explode or whatever).
BUT. I started listening to The Thursday Murder Club yesterday because it was on my phone and I've listened to almost all the other audiobooks on there now, and oh my god? I love it so much. haven't been obsessed with a book in a long long time but this might do it lol
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softshuji · 5 months
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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.
#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting#married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i#said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with#a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive#ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could#talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed#i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man#and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in#front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love#or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than#they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw#im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the#kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off#somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it#and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already#and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone#else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit#and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these#decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.
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lisbonsteresa · 2 years
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i'm going to SCREAM
#tm#you don't get how UNHINGED this makes me it's SO#like he's been out all day trying to track down this missing kid (as part of her case too; to give her another avenue against volker)#and they have their little catch up and at first he's concerned (she's been at this all day and now into the night too#and he GETS it - in a way maybe other people wouldn't - but he doesn't want her to burn herself out; he wants her to be careful#maybe he's about to tell her a version of 'get some sleep')#but then she talks about amanda and it makes me NUTS because she does NOT ask for his help#she doesn't ask him to stay; to read the files with her; to 'burn the midnight oil' with her#she's just...stating her case; explaining why this means so much to her; and he listens; he takes it in; and he makes the choice to help#to sit in this with her and to help her work through it#and i just -- neither of them will ask the other for help (yes i know she did at the end of the last episode the context is different ok)#but they're both so quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) desperate to help each other it makes me sick#it's so interesting to see how they deal with this as the show goes on....idk how to explain it but like#when jane needs help he closes himself off; he keeps secrets and he schemes and he lies ('let me help you' 'you're sweet')#because he's trying to keep the people he cares about - the people he never planned on caring about as much as he does - safe#even as he shares more with lisbon (and sometimes the rest of the team) he still doesn't share everything#because that puts them at risk#and that's what lisbon used to do to - in the earlier seasons she put up walls when she felt vulnerable; and she still does in some cases#but with this case especially she's much more accepting of help - she relies on her team (not that she doesn't usually)#and she's practically an open book to jane - in this scene most of all - she lets herself be more vulnerable#(and open to suggestions/ideas she might otherwise scoff at or reject)#idk idk it's very interesting but this scene makes me so wacky there's something so soft and tender and understanding about it#the way there's no spoken acknowledgement - no 'i'll help' or 'thank you' - just the silent understanding that they're in this together#because they're partners#(also the way he picks at the rest of her food - the 'done with this?' the only thing they say - and the framing through the window#is still somehow very domestic it's like my perfect scene)#spinning my wheels hard i'm not thinking clearly i just love everything about it
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jarognieva · 9 months
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lingeringscars · 5 months
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updated overall faves from the top of my head:
cassandra who's afraid of little old me? the bolter but daddy i love him guilty as sin? the alchemy florida!!! the smallest man who ever lived
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woolandcoffee · 5 months
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God folks in the pesticide manufacturing industry are so up their own asses. This is the most annoying call.
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vulpinesaint · 2 years
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throws a book at the wall i'm SO fucking tired of putting emotional effort into relationships only for it not to be reciprocated
#trying so fucking hard not to resent someone i really like rn.#they're going through a hard time and obvi i'm glad they feel comfortable coming to me for support.#but also... :( to have that be the only thing we really talk ab anymore...#miss them i guess. wanna talk like we used to.#nd to send support and an expression of how i rlly empathize bc i'm going through smth similar and get no response...#idk. sadbad. working on not letting those feelings fester#i just cannot be therapistfriend. i am Not therapist friend in most situations!!!#the problem is that i am a very good listener but not super approachable in that way to most people?#so i end up with one or two people with really big constant problems every year or so who put All of that onto me.#and i try SO fucking hard in my relationships with people i care about.#and that's SO much energy and emotional investment into their problems and it just isn't sustainable.#especially when i'm not getting it in return.#idk i probably just need to tell them what i'm feeling about. open and honest communication ftw#i'm sure they'll get it if i say 'i've had a lot of relationships in the past that devolved into me being the vessel for people's issues...#...and it's turned into me resenting them over time and i really don't want that to happen with us.'#'just need you to talk w/ me about other things sometimes' y'know?#i'm already drawing a lot of boundaries so that i don't throw myself into comforting and placating and facilitating someone's feelings#which DOES make me a good listener. but i can't be sacrificing myself for that. not rn anyway.#god but also i just want to have a fucking conversation sometimes is that too much to ask#i get that ur having a hard time emotionally but you could at least respond to the easy upbeat messages that i send you#specifically TO facilitate easy upbeat conversation that doesn't require emotional effort from you#or like. initiate conversation Ever when it's not around the negative situation u want to talk to me about. you know.#it's okay. i'll talk to them. just feeling frustrated.#i'm going to get bled fucking dry if i keep putting so much of myself into relationships without receiving anything in return#valentine notes
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moodlesmain · 20 days
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What I'm Made Of (Sonic Heroes OST) 🤝 With Me (Sonic and the Black Knight OST): Final boss songs who's lyrics apply almost just as much to Sonic as they do to the villain he's facing
#im crazy im crazy#also i know with me is used as Merlina's leitmotif but like#you know who throughout all of satbk is like accepting being the villain of the story? Just like Merlina does? Sonic#He's literally like oh killing king arthur will make me the bad guy? oh well lol can't always be the hero#they're both willing to do what they must even if they become the villain because of it#''you know every world will have its end and i'm here to prove it all to you''#''i am who you don't think i am''#like come oonnnn that's exactly what Sonic and Merlina are arguing about throughout the final battle#and those lines could apply to either of them#AND THEN DONT GET ME STARTED ON WHAT IM MADE OF#that song people are more likely to immediately think of Sonic when they hear it for the first time#but if you listen from the perspective of Metal Sonic it's like mind blowing#especially since its such a sonic style song like its got such a familiar feel to all of Sonic's other Crush 40 themes#and I'm including Open Your Heart and Live and Learn in this#Open Your Heart is just Sonic singing directly to Perfect Chaos and Live and Learn is similar to the songs im talking about above#in that Live and Learn can apply just as much to Shadow as it can to Sonic it's their duet as they save the world from Gerald's plan#(insert an ''I'm Live'' ''and I'm Learn'' the Live and Learn Brothers joke here)#but anyway the point is that you think of those songs when you hear What I'm Made Of#it SOUNDS like a Sonic song#but then really you listen to it...... and it sure does sound like things Sonic would say yeah#but ultimately? It IS a Metal Sonic theme. And it is playing on the parralels between Metal and Sonic on purpose#''i don't care what you're thinking as you turn to me cause what i have in my two hands is enough to set me free''#LIKE THAT'S THE FIRST LINE IN THE SONG... Sonic is ALREADY free. You know who isn't and is doing everything in order to be free?#''let me show you just what i'm made of'' is a Sonic line but oh my god is it also a Metal line#dont get me fucking started on the verse about 'one by one they all become black marks on the floor' and how insane the implications make m#these boss songs are all CONVERSATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway. Sonic music good#sth#moodle rambles
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featherymainffins · 6 months
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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