#literally just stood all day

[erigold13261]

So little desire to create. Only want to consume. But nothing to consume. So creating in head. But head does not want to share. So consuming thoughts alone.

[miodiodavinci]

collapses to the ground like a deflated balloon

[flowercrowngods]

and today in sometimes i write shit that fucks me up for weeks: time travel au steve & trees

Steve gets up. Goes into his room — not his room at all, it’s not his home, it’s not his — knowing Hopper won’t follow him, locks the door knowing El will unlock it if she needs him, and crawls under the blanket. He doesn’t cry, just curls up and lies there in numb misery of feeling too much, thinking too much, knowing too much, and not having the right words to express anything.

The air under the blanket gets too warm to really be comfortable, but he doesn’t want to move. He’s turned into a tree again, as El would put it. Another pang of guilt and misery runs through him, because he doesn’t want to be fucked up like that, fucked up enough for a child to call him a tree because he loses his reality a lot; but then the thought of being a tree almost feels so relieving it makes him want to cry.

Because trees don’t think about their friends dying. Killed. Murdered. By forces greater than this world’s imagination. Trees don’t watch the blood seeping from them over and over again until they lose their minds and go into shock that this world doesn’t support, instead tugging him back and forth until all there is is nothingness, because there is no time to think or feel or process, and once there is time, there is too much to even start. And no one to talk to about it. No one to listen.

If he could turn into a tree and never have a single thought again, he would without hesitation.

But he can’t, so he thinks, and the thinks until he falls asleep and the thoughts turn into memories morphed with fears until it’s Steve who kills them. Steve who fails. And Steve who does it over and over again. In the Upside Down, in Eddie’s trailer, at school, in Mike’s basement.

It’s Steve. Like it was Billy.

[…]

Walking on legs that haven’t quite accommodated to being upright yet, stiff and heavy in the dark of night, Steve makes his way through the forest, tumbling and stumbling, but never enough to make him stop. He’s heaving breaths now, willing the cold air into his lungs to stop everything from feeling so wrong, to break through the haze and the fog and the cotton, to pierce his insides with little pinpricks of ice as December is fast approaching. It only serves to make him more dizzy, his head spinning, glowing spots of black and white appearing in his field of vision until he leans against a tree, catching his breath and holding it.

Holding onto it with whimpers and wheezes and pathetic little groans that make him want to scream. He punches the tree, his hand numb with pain upon impact, his knuckles stiff and scraped up; bloody, even in the pitch black darkness.

Bloody. His hands are always bloody. It stains them, has seeped into his skin, like a reverse tattoo that only he can see. This, though… This is real. It’s his blood.

And so he punches again. And again, until his breath has evened out, and the pain has moved from his arm and his side over to his hand. Over to something real.

He flexes his fingers and watches them, can barely make out their shape, and focuses on the pull of his skin, the scrapes making it feel too tight — but in a real way. In a way that… he’s not going crazy. It’s real. It’s all real. And it’s burning, sizzling along with all of that anger, the grief, the confusion, the complete and utter fucking lostness. The loneliness.

Steve punches the tree one more time, then turns around to put more distance between him and familiar walls and stale air and worried glances so heavy they slowly scrape away the scar tissue growing over all those rawest of feelings.

He walks and walks without direction or destination, simply placing one foot in front of the other as his racing heart calms down and he is overcome with an absolute, all-consuming kind of exhaustion that makes him sway the very second he stops. His eyes are getting heavy, like his body is slowly coming to the realisation that his beside clock said 3:38 a.m. and that he hasn’t slept through the night for some days now, or maybe weeks, always awoken by nightmares — on days that he even dared to fall asleep.

No one should have to feel this kind of exhaustion, Steve thinks. Even after the Russians, after torture and fighting and more torture, followed by running and more running and almost dying in a car crash and then in a fire… Even after all that, he wasn’t as exhausted as he feels right now.

Probably because back then, he had Robin. Robin who would hold his hand, Robin who would share a glance with him and resuscitate everything that died inside of him with just one brave little smile.

God, she was so brave.

Steve leans against a tree, closing his eyes for just one second as he pictures Robin — alive and smiling and determined. Robin, in the passenger seat of his car at ass o’clock in the morning, grumpy and tired, leaning in to give him a hug hello and a hug goodbye. Robin, who would roll her eyes at his antics, his insecurities and his worries — Robin, who would explain hours later, her hand in his, that he had no reason to doubt or worry. That he was fine. That he was perfect. That everything else would slot into place soon and be perfect for him, too. Payback, she’d called it.

Payback, he thinks now as he heaves another breath, willing it through his constricted throat, and just barely keeping himself from screaming. Payback, because he failed. Payback, because he watched her die and nothing, nothing good will ever come out of that.

As much as he will try to save her, she will always have died. As much as he can try to keep her safe this time around, he will always have failed her.

That’s nothing he can take back. Ever. Nothing he can fix. Nothing he can make un-happen.

It’s the cruellest constant.

One that won’t leave him alone. One that won’t let him sleep at night, one that won’t leave his head even for a minute, flooding his consciousness with memories of blood and failure, weighing down his conscience until he can’t fucking breathe, and—

A sob escapes his throat even as he stumbles forward, continuing on his nonexistent path that feels a lot like running, fleeing from this new life, as though he could magically make his way back to the old one. Because they have died. They’re dead. He watched them. This new world won’t fix that. Won’t fix him. And he doesn’t deserve fixing anyway.

So he runs.

[hauntingblue]

Will I ever get over garp's scottish accent....

[countess-of-edessa]

“are the girls going to help you make pierogis?” well no one else is fucking gonna are they? no one else in this house has functional fucking hands apparently

[orcelito]

Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.

But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.

[jedidragonwarriorqueen]

I. I just. Okay.

Wow.

I just . . . Geez Louise

[rottengurlz]

Someone go back in time and kill me before I accepted my assistant position i can’t stand dealing with rude ass people all day and fixing their problems

[thatfaerieprincess]

I often forget how badly the cold can fuck me up and then one slightly-too-chilly-for-slightly-too-long outing and I’m out of commission for the rest of the damn day…

No outdoor winter job for me I guess

[antifragi1e]

am i allowed to be upset

[aemondtragaryen-archived]

having the worst day known to mankind so pls tell me something that has made you really happy recently.... or like any kind of happiness you want to share <3

[clonewarsahsoka]

OH YEAH HERES THE STUFF I GOT ON THE WEEKEND (plus a closer pic to try and deal with the glare)

[dirt-str1der]

Kazu/maji is soooooo different than sae/maji this is because saejima and majima are best friends who go together everywhere and frequently close the toilet door in each others faces because they keep trying to follow each other inside and the other guys like No. im going to take a shit and kiryu and majima are like guys who are knotting each other every time they meet and conjoined at the groin , like majima will carry kiryus baby and saejima will raise it with him you know what i mean theres a lack of commitment (but no shortage of passion) with majima and kiryu theyre each others one night stand every single night but saejima and him stick with each other through thick and thin come hell or high water

[dbphantom]

[H2O s2 spoilers] Charlotte has literally done nothing wrong up until now and yet the show STILL paints her as such a bad person in Pressure Cooker.

She admits if she knew Don was Cleo's dad she wouldn't have shown up and looks visibly uncomfortable (but still trying to be polite) when she realizes it's Cleo's house and has to sit there and watch Cleo openly be rude to her mother by giving away a gift bought as a gesture of goodwill.

Charlotte KNOWS Lewis and Cleo are talking about her and instead of being rude and nasty about it (LIKE CLEO WAS IN EPISODE 3 WHEN SHE MADE ASSUMPTIONS) is just like "yeah, your dad is really struggling right now, you probably wanna go back in there and help him..?" like OMG that was so sweet of her. Yeah she interrupted their conversation, but come on she was trying to be nice. Characters interrupt each other all the time on this show- it's a teen drama, that's how it works. Despite everything Cleo had already done to her, Charlotte was still looking out for her dad.

Then Charlotte accidentally knocks a thing of flour into Cleo and goes up to her room after Cleo storms off to personally apologize for even BEING THERE because she can tell Cleo is Absolutely Furious about her showing up, and openly asks her if she can spend time with/date Lewis because she understands the two of them were together and she SEES how Cleo is reacting, and CLEO GIVES HER THE GO-AHEAD, BUT STILL TREATS HER AWFULLY ANYWAY. She didn't HAVE to ask for permission, but she does anyway!! AFTER APOLOGIZING FOR SIMPLY SHOWING UP TO HER MOM'S WORK EVENT.

and THEN at the end of the episode Cleo is like "even if it IS Charlotte (who I hate for literally no reason other than she stood up for herself when I tried to shame her in public for hanging out with my ex-boyfriend who I broke up with), it's Lewis's choice" but then gives her an actual death glare at the very end of the episode when Charlotte is literally just looking at her and evil music swells all because Charlotte smiles. WHAT!!!!!

IF YOU WANTED ME TO HATE CHARLOTTE SO BAD WHY DID YOU MAKE CLEO SO UNREASONABLE AND MEAN THIS SEASON AND CHARLOTTE AN ACTUAL SWEETHEART WHO HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG OTHER THAN ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKING A BOWL OF FLOUR INTO SOMEONE AND PINING AFTER A GUY WHO IS- I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH- SINGLE!!!

anyway brb making a list of all the times the girls openly use their powers or are just straight-up reckless in public SOLELY IN SEASON 2 so i can compare it to them getting really mad at Charlotte and holding her to a huge double-standard because she used her powers to mess with Nate a little bit because HUUUUUUH??? if you have any examples hit me up because im currently doing a rewatch and im on ep 6 and already have a few... most notably Emma using her powers during the soccer game to dunk on a seven-year-old, but also Cleo using her powers at school to [checks notes] take a shortcut across a field with a sprinkler instead of just walking around. I have a few from memory as well that i just haven't gotten up to yet (like Emma and Rikki harassing Lewis at his job and almost getting him arrested because they left the gate open)

>>>>>oh i see... tumblr desktop does not warn you if you have over 30 tags. noted... rip my essay on how Lewis also isn't 100% in the right here [with Charlotte. with Cleo he did nothing wrong (being overbearing... ok i get it, but she could have sat him down and talked to him abt how she was feeling before immediately jumping to breaking up) and even took her aside more than once to ask her if she was okay, if this is what she really wanted, and where he stands with her- to which she lies to his face during and says everything's fine, she's just protecting the secret, she isn't jealous At All, she doesn't want to get back together] because he unintentionally is leading Charlotte on bc he's not communicating the best, and then when they DO get together he's clearly not as invested in their relationship as she is, or how Charlotte was kinda jumping the gun a little but while their relationship is kinda messy in itself, it just doesn't compare to how annoyed Cleo makes me this season, i won't lie. also i did rant about the marine park incident again. it still really bothers me lolol

[sluttyten]

Fucking wild day at work today like what the fuck

[brunetterightsactivist]

The fact that the job I have now I’ve had for like 5.5 years are for the first 3 years I never discussed it never really complained except for when the customers gave me shit but now all I do is complain about it. I miss my old manager