#lmfao i got stressed out and depressed about like three different things going on all at once over the past couple months

[304wv66]

HELLO EVERYONE I HAVE NOT DRAWN AT THIS BARE MINIMUM CALIBER SINCE LAST YEAR BUT WE'RE SO FUCKING BACK BABY

anyway here are some of my ocs in their first iterations with the original drawings and their current iterations

[hazellvsq]

oof all this talk about hazel and the great depression is really making me wonder what her relationship with money ends up being later in life. i remember the phrase "...settled the tab with a ruby" VERBATIM from the books in the hazel chapter explaining her curse and like... when diamonds pop up like daisies but you have to spend them like common coin. when you see how twisted up people can get about money when you see how life chews them up and spits them out when they run out. i can see her not wanting anything to do with her finances bc maladaptive avoidance is kinda up her alley, but is she a penny pincher with half a dozen cash stashes squirreled away? or is she a big spender because inflation is so dizzyingly different and spending five dollars was always just as much stress as spending fifty anyway so she just refuses to think about it. does she cringe away from bank statements and hoard old bills even though they stress her out just in case they need to be referenced or contested? (...not to project or anything). from depression era new orleans to alaska to a footsoldier of the fifth cohort to the highest earner in the army- all in 21st century california. OVER THE COURSE OF THREE YEARS. or do you think all this and also her pluto powers kick in and she really does NOT gaf about money in the slightest. doesnt look at it doesnt think about it and doesnt need to bc she's got that sweet sweet praetor pension now in addition to her heritage just giving her a good sense of true worth relative to price?

ooooooh i love this question. them having to significantly undercharge for what those gems were worth was fascinating to me. and the economy was fucked so it makes sense! i've seen headcanons that hazel would naturally be good at finances because of her powers, and i actually agree, but i also agree with you that maladaptive avoidance is her thing. i think she's going to have trouble spending or being ambitious with her money/career, partly because of the way she was raised in the depression - she probably has trouble wasting anything and has disaster plans in the back of her mind - but also i think that because of her relationship with her mother, she's afraid to really want things. which doesn't just extend to money, you can see her holding back in her interpersonal relationships as well even as she learns to take initiative what she wants. in her adult life that wouldn't necessarily manifest in actively running away like nico or leo, but i think the worst version of herself, the one we see in her past, is the one that lets inertia carry her. but then, on the other hand, all the bravery and resilience she's capable of isn't going to change the fundamental realities of either her old or new life. so to answer your question, i think its a combination of what you said at the end - she'll try not to think about it but also will still always be thinking about it in the back of her mind.

also your question is now making me wonder if new rome pays them for doing all that lmfao. now i'm overthinking that too.

[daisylincs]

It's time to see what I can do! To test the limits and break through// no right no wrong no rules for meee// I'm freeeeeeeeee (and i was glad lincoln died)

*silence*

*utter, shocked silence*

Well, Birdie, I only have one thing to say to you --

Why Lincoln Campbell Shouldn't Have Died: A Small Essay By Lily [Redacted]

#1. It’s Lazy. There was all this fuss about how “heart-breaking” Lincoln’s death was, and how it was the most shocking choice, and I’m just like... really? Was it? Because frustrating as it is to me, it’s true that Lincoln didn’t have any significant relationships on the show aside from his with Daisy, and he also didn’t have the time/the writers didn’t invest the time to make him a character the audience could become really close to. 

And I don’t see how that’s a shocking choice at all? That’s just taking the easy way out of things. If they had really wanted to make a heart-breaking death, it would have been so much worse to choose literally anyone of the OG team.

Or, heaven forbid, not to make anyone die at all!! (Yes, I hate the Fallen Agent arc. Yes, that’s a conversation for another day.) But think about it: it would have been way more original, way more shocking, to have Lincoln not die, or find a super original/Fitzsimmons-esque way to get past the vision. It could’ve been way more shocking and ultimately satisfying if the whole team had worked together to avoid someone dying, and succeeded in avoiding that. It would have made excellent bonding.

And it wouldn’t have been lazy, because Lincoln staying alive would force him and Daisy to have some tough conversations, i.e. Hive and SHIELD and what’s next. It would also have meant an equal amount of tricky conversations with the rest of the team - especially surrounding the whole Hive debacle and methods used during it (*coughs in murder vests*). It would’ve actually been much harder than just having Lincoln die... and isn’t that what good storytelling is supposed to do? Make the harder choice for an ultimately far more satisfying resolution? 

Because choosing Lincoln to die makes it feel like that was his only purpose on the show, and I can’t help but rage against that. I know that’s how a lot of people actually do see Lincoln, and it just makes me so furious, because that’s actually such a disservice to his character?? He was so much more than just Daisy’s doomed boyfriend, and he could have been even more. Which brings me to my next point - 

#2. Wasted Opportunities. I’ll always believe that one of the biggest missed opportunities on the show was that we never got to see Lincoln properly bond with anyone on the team - it was like the writers started, but then decided he was going to die, and then went all, oh, RIP that. Which, honestly, is stupid - because they created this amazing character that had so much potential, and then decided to drop it just like that. 

And I mean, dammit!! Aside from Daisy, Lincoln had prime opportunities to bond with at least five other characters on the team - May, Coulson, Jemma, Fitz, and Mack, and that’s not even starting on the other Secret Warriors. 

He had a little bit of bonding with May when Lash/Andrew was still a thing - but then, whoops-a-daisy, unequivocally dropped. And like... Lincoln and May could’ve been such a good friendship?? Imagine May initially terrifying the living daylights out of Lincoln, but slowly seeing that he’s not actually that different to Daisy, and he makes her happy? And maybe inviting him to t’ai chi with her, to help control her powers? And him in turn helping give her some closure over Katya Belyakov/telling her that she really did make the only choice? They could’ve developed a mother/son bond just as beautiful as Daisy’s, if AoS had only tried. 

Then there’s Coulson. Daisy’s (basically) dad. We got to see a little bit of this, especially in the 3x14-15 era, but I would have loved to see even more of Coulson not-so-subtly threatening Lincoln, but grudgingly coming to accept him as a good agent (and, though he’d never admit it, kinda liking the guy.) Ugh, it could have been so funny and GOOD!!

Fitz and Jemma, to do them in a package deal, could also have been a GREAT BroTP with Lincoln if they had only actually developed it. I would have loved to see a) FitzSimmons initially distrusting Lincoln and being like “if you hurt Daisy...” and then eventually growing to bond with him over science and, well, adoring Daisy, b) a Lincoln-and-Simmons-specific friendship starting after Maveth, for example, Jemma can’t really be around her friends because they keep pitying her and trying to help and she doesn’t want that, so here’s someone new who’s nice and can also distract her with a common interest, and finally c) Lincoln and Fitz bonding over, oh, Daisy, and being ridiculously in love. Just. C’mon. It could’ve been WONDERFUL - and, just think about it, the picture of a Fitzsimmons-and-Lincoln triple alliance out-science-ing Daisy. FAB.

And Mack!! Someone who’s basically Daisy’s older brother, and, I do believe, another one for the Don’t-Hurt-Daisy pile. But Mack’s also very just, and an excellent judge of character, plus he was literally listening in on their first kiss, lmfao. So I think he’d be that “ugh AGAIN you two stop *eye roll*” big brother, but secretly be very happy for them. (I would’ve LOVED to see it, ahhhh.)

Then, of course, the Secret Warriors!! If anyone would listen, I could R A G E for days about how we only had one episode with the Secret Warriors, and that only barely before it all blew apart. But what snippets we had in that one episode!! Lincoln comforting Joey when he gets stressed before a mission. That’s canon. Now imagine Lincoln learning Spanish for both him and Elena (and so the three of them can fuck with Daisy.) And him encouraging them to follow Spanish traditions, because he picked up a lot of “traditions are important” culture from Afterlife. And, of course, them all going to Pride together to support Joey...

My point is just, there is so much MORE AoS could have done with Lincoln’s character, but especially his bonds with the other main cast. Instead of highlighting his relationship with Daisy, I would’ve preferred a lot more focus on his bonds with the rest of the gang. Because, most simply put, he’s a nice guy and loves Daisy - but that’s not all he is, and also, that love for Daisy would mean he WOULD go out of his way to bond with her family. (Point made.)

#3. It Conflicts With The S5 Time Paradox. During the Fallen Agent arc, all we’re hearing about is how time is fixed, and a death is inevitable. And then in season 5, we have the same thing with the time loop... except, they manage to break it then. We’re literally told, “there are many different futures.” And, cool. But, uh... that’s exactly what you guys didn’t say in season 3!!

Because someone saw a death, a death had to happen. My question is just: if the loop could have been broken in s5, why couldn’t the death have been avoided in s3?? It wouldn’t even have been that hard to make it still fit with the vision - Daisy can quake the controls to destroy them, then Lincoln pulls her out of the quinjet, but she leaves the jacket behind. Hive dies, but no-one else - and the best part is, that even still fulfils the original vision, because someone did die. Hive. Click boom.

And if I can figure that out, then, come on, surely AoS could have done so much better!! It just... really frustrates me, hrrrg.

#4. It Becomes A Plot Point To Hurt Daisy. We all like to joke about how much AoS hurts Daisy, but... this is extreme?? Like?? She only just went through probably the biggest trauma of her life, being freaking possessed, and now you want to make her lose someone she loves too? Cruel. 

The only real reason the Fallen Agent arc ever existed was, let’s be real, to force Daisy into that spiral of hurt and depression. And, like... she already had more than enough trauma just from Hive. Nobody would have blamed her for running away then - in fact, how very Daisy it would have been, leaving before she could hurt anyone else she loved.

And then, of course, we could have had Lincoln and the team working together to find her and bring her back, and, heyo, bonding!! It could also have been such a good point for Staticquake’s relationship, what with Lincoln helping Daisy recover after depression/withdrawal, because who better suited, and Daisy slowly forgiving herself and them becoming that much more of a deeply caring, solid ship.

So in short - though, 🙈🙈🙈, I suppose I should really say in long, because it would seem I am incapable of doing anything in a short fashion - I don't think anyone should be "glad" about Lincoln's death. If anything, we should all be FURIOUS, and super frustrated, because if he had only lived, there could have been so many excellent storylines, both bonding-wise and regarding THE ACTUAL PLOT (his powers could have been SO HELPFUL, just, argh). Lincoln Campbell should not have died, and I will stand by that till the day I die.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #388

“i wanna stay inside all day  /  i want the world to go away  /  i want blood, guts, and chocolate cake  /  i wanna be a real fake”

Name three people who you'll never forget: I doubt I'd forget Jason even if, God forbid, I had dementia. That's trauma for ya. I HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHLY doubt I could EVER forget my mom, either. In many different ways, she's literally kept me alive and has done so, so much for me. Then there's also Sara, whose friendship with me matches no one else I've been friends with. Have you ever been told you are fake? No. What was the name of the last pet of yours that died? Teddy, my dog. Do you like pineapple? I do. When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with? I know this sounds seriously depressing, but that's... pretty much every day. My life is just currently such a drag that being awake bores me senseless. But it's funny, because then some nights I stay up late for like... no reason. My existence alone is confusing. Is there any specific number that has any significance to you? No. Do you remember much from high school? I remember a lot from high school. Where would you go for the ultimate honeymoon? Isn't there a black sand beach in Iceland or something? Take me there, man. I'd also love to go to the Bahamas, but ew humidity and also I'm afraid of the Bermuda Triangle lmfao. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get? The big piece I want to get on my left upper arm; it's called "Denialism" by NukeRooster on deviantART. I got her permission forever ago to get it tattooed. Do you have any alarms set? What time and what for? Not currently. Have you ever had to work while there was a film crew at your work place? No. Have you ever supported anyone’s Kickstarter? If so, what was it? No. What do you like in your omelet? Ham pieces and cheese. Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit aren't getting my business. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes. Most notably a video game I LOOOOVED as a kid. I was mad salty and still am lmao. Do you vent a lot on social media? God no, not anymore after embarrassing the everliving FUCK out of myself with a suicide note. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I don't pay any bills bc unemployed. .-. Do you watch ASMR videos? No. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? The Trevor Project. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. A psychiatrist I had in middle school thought I had ADHD, which was ABSOLUTELY ludicrous. Most recently, my long-time bipolar 2 diagnosis has been questioned, but I do think I have it. I think. Does it bother you when others don’t share the same religious beliefs as you? No? Freedom of religion is a thing. What was your last argument about? Ummmm... I don't remember. Probably something with Mom. Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No. Somehow. You'd think all the stress would have me pure gray by now, lol. What are the names of all the pets you’ve had? Dude, I've had WAY too many for this. What’s the most you’ve ever spent on a cosmetic or skincare product? *shrug* Who was the last person that invited you to go somewhere? Did you accept? Mom invited me to come with her to Nicole's to get out of the house because at the time our A/C was still out. I didn't want to go, even though damn did I suffer, haha. What was the last food item that you toasted, other than bread? That's... a great question. I don't know if I toast anything other than bread. Have you ever named any of your pets after a cartoon character? I remember I had a cat named Taz when I was younger. What was the last thing that someone else recommended, or suggested you try? My TMS doctor is like SUPER friendly and makes the treatment go by so fast (it's exactly 22 minutes and 30 seconds; don't ask why), and recently she was fangirling to Mom and me about the show Once Upon a Time, haha. I saw very little of it with Jason, but Mom did check it out. When was the last time you wore a hat? What kind? I have zero idea. When was the last time you ate a bowl of ice-cream? What flavour? Oh wow, it's been a long time. It was probably vanilla with chocolate syrup? If you menstruate, has your cycle ever synced with anyone close to you? Yes. Tell me something positive about the town or city that you live in. ... You said "positive," right? Did your parents have high expectations for you to excel in school and go to college/university? Yes. They were pretty serious about going to college when my sisters and I were younger, but they opened up to the concept that maybe it wasn't for all of us (coughmecough). Are you a polite person? I genuinely think I am. I definitely try to be. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything with your partner felt natural and effortless? Sigh. Yeah. Have you ever been in a relationship where everything was difficult and rocky? No. That's not the kind I'd stay in very long at all. I mean yes, there are always bumps, but there comes a point where you gotta say fuck nah and find something better. When you were a teenager, did your parents set rules about dating? Other than keeping age gaps in mind, no. Have you ever committed a crime that directly harmed another person? No. Did you grow up in an urban, suburban, or rural area? My childhood home was suburban, but leaned towards rural. We were on the very edge of the town. Which disease do you personally think is the most horrible? After seeing my mother suffer from borderline stage 4 ovarian cancer, I've gotta say cancer. My mother is the strongest person I know and yet she cried so frequently from chemotherapy. It broke my fucking heart. The person I copied the survey from mentioned especially childhood cancers, and I have to agree. Like just... why. "Everything happens for a reason." Bull. Fucking. Shit. Just TRY and convince me why a young child has to deal with CANCER. Do you remember where you first drove to after getting your license? I still don't have my license, as I've said in many a survey before. What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid? Being on the computer too much. What is your biological sex? Female. Do you use online dating? Or do you use another method for finding dates? Nah. I'm at the point in my life where I wanna let love just find me and not actively search for it. What is the oldest gaming console you own? We MIGHT still have our old Atari? If not, it'd be a GameBoy Advance. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? Just British. Do you think you'll ever manage to do everything you want to? No. But then again, I think that sounds pretty realistic? I doubt most people check off everything on their bucket list. What do you fear most? Probably becoming truly homeless, living on the streets. Do you wear shoes around the house? No. Are you a good driver? If you can't drive yet, do you think you'll be good? I mean, I'm not the worst in the world. My mom's always pointed out though that I ride on the brakes (which I do out of fear) and I tend to speed up and slow down quite a bit. I also stop kinda abruptly sometimes. What is/was your favorite thing about school? Seeing friends. What are you most likely to spend money on? My own personal money, tattoos, lol. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? @_@ Do you hate how, when the public like a celebrity, they overpublicize them? I feel bad for them, more than anything. You breathe wrong and suddenly it's news-worthy. It's like your every inconsequential action is under heavy surveillance and judgment, and it seems so unfair. Have you ever became attracted to someone you weren’t at first because their personality made you find them physically attractive? That was Jason for me. I never thought he was ugly, but regardless, he became THE most attractive man in the world to me. Have you ever worked in retail? Yes. -_- Are you even a little bit racist? Nah man, it's 2021, baby. Were you more fond of swings, monkey bars, or seesaws as a child? I was all about the swings. Do you believe in a near-future apocalyptic event? I don't know or care, honestly. A gamma ray or whatever they're called could incinerate us all tomorrow. A black hole could swallow the earth in an hour. We don't know. Do you have a chandelier in your home? No. Do you have a bar with stools? No. Is your Christmas tree faux or real? If faux, what color? We use a fake green one. Do you eat the crusts of your bread? Yes; it's the first part I eat. Which body type would you say you had? Did you know whales can survive on land? :^) Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah! I used to LOVE doing that with Dad as a kid when the field across our house wasn't in use (tobacco was grown there). What’s your preferred flavour of jam? I just like grape. What kind of animal did you last pet? My cat! Name a celebrity that you admire that nobody would expect you to: I massively admire Jeffree Star's work ethic. Do you prefer to shave or wax? Shave. I used to wax my eyebrows, but now I just don't care. Would you ever have sex in a public place? Uh, no. Do you think Jenna Marbles’ videos are funny? I've actually never watched her. Your favourite pasta dish: Just your normal spaghetti with meatballs. Strangest thing you’ve ever seen? Probably what I'm assuming was a star (but it was green???) flickering and then fizzling out of the sky kind of like some sort of backwards firework. I'd been watching it literally grow over a few nights, so when this happened, it was a big "?????? the fuck??????". It honestly scared me for some reason so I went inside after that. Aliens? I say aliens. Ever had a crush on somebody of the same sex? Yes. Has anybody ever called you a bastard? I don't think so. Who is the last person you ignored? uhhhhhhh Would you wear feathers in your hair? So actually, for my first prom, I wanted to wear a blue jay feather I had in my hair, reason being Jason's nickname from his parents was always "J Bird." It ended up not working out because we couldn't make it look natural with what we had. When was the last time you were well and truly scared? Hm. Favourite member of your favourite band: Ozzy, obviously, haha. Who’s your favourite female rapper? I don't have one.

[eldritchsurveys]

761.

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? >> Yeah, Sparrow does.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? >> Sure.

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? >> Absolutely not, I live on the third floor. --Well, I could climb out, and I might even survive, but... let’s just say it’s pretty goddamn risky. Anyway, I’m an adult and I don’t have to sneak out of my own apartment, so it’s irrelevant.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? >> ---

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? >> Depends on the food. Some foods are pretty easy to dupe and it’s not a problem, but not all of them.

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? >> No, dude.

If a stranger went in your bedroom, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it? >> I don’t know what someone would guess, it depends on what people use as markers for gender. Besides, I don’t subscribe to a specific gender, so whatever they’d guess would be wrong regardless.

Are your parents gullible? >> ---

Do you still own a VCR? >> I’ve never owned a VCR. By the time I left home, DVDs had won the battle.

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? >> I haven’t spent any money on food. Sparrow’s unemployment checks have paid for the groceries, because just one of those was still more than I get in a month.

If you were in a car accident would the last person you kissed care? >> I mean, of course the Inworlders would care.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? >> I wouldn’t go anywhere, right now. But in general, I still have no idea where I would go. I’ve always hated shoe shopping, almost more than I hate other clothes shopping.

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? >> The last pair of shoes I got were about $70 or $80. I didn’t buy them, Sparrow did.

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? >> Silver. No, Sparrow’s Best Buy card bought it.

Do you have a second home? >> No.

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? >> A little, yeah, because the last time I saw her smoke anything was back when I first got here and was still a smoker myself.

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you? >> The smell of cigarettes can be repulsive to me, which I’ve heard is pretty common amongst ex-smokers. Also, my sensory defensiveness is higher than it used to be, so. The smell of beer doesn’t usually repulse me, but that can vary depending on what kind of day I’m having. The smell of weed is often too strong for my liking, but I don’t necessarily hate it. I just can’t be around it for too long because of, I repeat, sensory defensiveness.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? >> ---

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? >> Well, duh. Just like I probably have plenty of misconceptions about other people.

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? >> Yeah.

Do you like waffles? >> Yeah.

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? >> That... seems like one hell of a hobby.

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? >> I find them fun and interesting and cool to look at and talk about and learn about. I guess that can be summed up under “attractive”.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet? >> I always talk to people I don’t know on the internet, it’s kind of part of the experience (unless you just never use the social aspect of the internet).

How often do you drink Monster? >> Never, I hate Monster.

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? >> Maybe. I don’t really remember doing so, but it’s a possibility.

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? >> No, but I vaguely remember them.

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? >> I don’t think I prefer one or the other by itself -- it’s usually a combination of different elements that determines whether I’ll sit on the inside or the outside of a booth.

Do you own a nightgown? >> No.

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? >> No.

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom? >> No.

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? >> ---

Have you ever had sex or something like it? >> Yes to... both?

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? >> No, because though I started it, I never finished 1984.

Have you ever worn fishnets? >> Yeah, many times.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? >> Two [sets of] piercings and three tattoos.

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? >> ---

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? >> No.

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? >> I’d definitely rather go out to eat, thanks.

Do you always wear your seat belt? >> Yeah. What’s funny is I was never made to wear one as a child. I had to get used to seatbelts in adulthood. I... have no idea why that is. Not a good look, though.

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? >> Sure.

Have you ever been in a play? >> Yeah, once.

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? >> I mean, I wouldn’t call them “secrets” because it’s not that deep, but yeah, there are plenty of things the average acquaintance doesn’t know about me.

Is there ice cream in your freezer? >> Yeah.

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? >> Probably.

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? >> Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel about The Mountain Goats. The lyrics always seem interesting, but then I listen to the song itself and I’m like “bleh...”

Does your bathroom have a window? >> No, and god, I’d give an organ for a bathroom with a fucking window.

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? >> No.

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? >> No.

Who was the last band you saw live? >> Hozier and crew.

Do you believe prayer really works? >> It depends on what you expect prayer to do. I think it works greatly for focusing one’s mind and will, for feeling connected to whatever numinous force you’re into, and for the meditative effect. I also think it works to calm one down, to relieve stress, that sort of thing -- which can be helpful when you’re trying to heal from an illness or something, when you think about the body holistically. Now, if you want to claim that prayer literally causes divine power to come out of the universe and, say, completely eradicate a person’s cancer... well, I mean, I just don’t know about that, is all.

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? >> No.

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? >> I used to love frosted mini-wheats... it’s been forever since I had those.

Have you been on a date in the park? >> Something like that.

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? >> Something like that.

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? >> ---

Do you have asthma? >> Nope. I should have, almost everyone else born in my area at that time period was riddled with respiratory ailments. Bad air up in Elizabethport.

Are tongue piercings slutty? >> Sigh.

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? >> That’s basically a foundational criterion for me to consider someone attractive, lmfao.

Last person to take off your pants, besides you? >> No one takes off my pants except me.

Do you remember those cool highlighters that smelled like popcorn? >> No.

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two? >> Absolutely.

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? >> No.

Least favorite alcoholic drink? >> Hmm... I guess gin. Rarely will I drink a gin-based cocktail.

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? >> Maybe? I don’t know.

How did you meet the last male you texted? >> ---

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? >> No.

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? Left. I had to mime that. <-- lol yeah, same.

Do you have a bull ring through your nose? >> I mean, yeah, more or less.

Do you and your dad get along? >> :|

Can you see your purse right now? >> ---

Are you wearing any perfume? What kind? >> No.

Are there products in your hair? >> No.

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy? >> Sometimes, when I get aggravated enough.

Do you actually like sneezing? >> No.

Have you taken a shower yet today? >> No.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? >> ---

Do you wear skirts a lot? >> No.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? >> I don’t have enough pairs to wear them a lot, but let me tell you, if I had more they’re pretty much all I would wear as far as outside clothing goes.

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? >> I have three pairs, I don’t have to guess.

Do you like hoodies? >> I love hoodies.

Big ones or the form fitting kind? >> Big ones.

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? >> I never wear polo shirts.

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? >> No.

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? >> I mean, I don’t necessarily feel great about everything I’ve done, but I’m not going to obsess about it either. All I can do is try to learn from my mistakes moving forward, and hope my brain doesn’t turn on me and make me do more things I’ll have to learn from. I don’t know, man, “regret” just doesn’t feel like a thing I fully comprehend.

Do you love your computer? >> I sure do. Both of them.

Do you drink coffee? >> No.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? >> Sure. When I stop liking them, I get rid of them.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? >> Either by myself or with Sparrow.

[prettywordsyouleft]

50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @g-exo Thank you sweetie! <3

1. What takes too much of your time?

Working and writing. 

2. What makes your day better?

Writing, k-dramas, crafting, bullet journalling, chocolate lol.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

This is going to sound odd, but we have 3 little kittens (and their mama) who we rescued from our horses’ hay shed a few weeks ago. The kittens started on solids like two days ago and one of them hadn’t pooped and was pretty full. After some assistance from me, she went and pooped. I could have cried with pure happiness. Poor thing was so uncomfortable.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

The world of Howl’s Moving Castle. To be able to use the door in Howl’s Castle to go to different realms and places would be truly magical.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I believe so. Not so good at taking the same said advice though >_<

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Generalised Anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope and I’m grateful that I haven’t :/ << same.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

SHINee as a group. I was in a hard place when I got into kpop with being unable to walk. I was entirely depressed from my accident and thought I would never get anywhere again. Their music gave me an escapism that I needed at first, and then I found the confidence in myself to get back up and try again. 

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I don’t think I truly know what love is aside from familial love. I’ve not had the opportunity to fall in love. 

10. What’s your dream date?

I don’t think I have one. Something simple yet fulfilling with a person who is actually engaged in the date happenings and wanting to be in my company would be enough for me!

11. What do others notice about you?

I like to give. Everyone who has come across me - whether in passing or actually get to know me, all say that I have this ability to share with others and make their lives brighter by doing so. 

The ones who know me well complain that I don’t know when to stop and rest because I’m so focused on completing my tasks/ giving to others lol. 

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I guess the above - being too stubborn to know when I need to rest. I’m pretty bad about it. I overload myself and then get too stressed out. It’s something I’m working on!

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Not applicable to me.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Zero.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

6456 is the amount I have on itunes. I have various playlists that I listen to despite my mood though.

16. What instruments can you play?

None.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

Uhhhh on my phone it’s Mark Tuan. Followed by Kyungsoo and both Jung/Park Jinyoung’s.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Italian Peninsula is my top pick. Other places would be Greece, Japan, Korea and England.

19. What is your zodiac?

Gemini technically.

20. Do you relate to it?

I fall on the Gemini-Cancer cusp and relate to articles I’ve read of Gemini-Cancer cusp people than pure Gemini traits. I’m definitely not an outgoing, carefree person as Gem’s are describe to be lol.

21. What is happiness to you?

My family, friends and even our pets succeeding in life. Seeing their happiness makes me feel good.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

This whole year has been a “going through” kind of year. Every time I think things are settling, another thing is thrown my way. But I’m optimistic it means I’m getting stronger with this testing period. 

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Not buying VIP tickets when B.A.P came here for their L.O.E tour. I chose Gold tickets because they had seats and as a partially disabled person through my right leg, I didn’t think I could stand for the duration of the concert. It’s something I’ve regretted for years - they were so amazing to everyone, but those in VIP were so darn lucky with all the interactions they had!  

24. What’s your favourite store?

I guess Gordon Harris, the local art store, because I am always there picking up new stationery supplies for bullet journalling. 

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

It’s a very personal choice. As a person who wants to be a mother one day, it’s an option I could never ever bring myself to do. However, it’s not my place to judge, condemn or preach at those who feel it’s their only choice at the time. 

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Kind of? In my bullet journal for the past 2 years I’ve done the whole “19/20 things to do before 2019/2020″ but I don’t have an official bucket list or anything.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Probably Verse 2 - JJ Project because I listen to it all the time. Otherwise, Good Timing - B1A4 is probably another long time favourite.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Not really sure... my birthday is hard because it’s ten days before my Dad’s death anniversary. So I just try to do something to smile each year. Maybe go out for dinner to celebrate mine and Mum’s birthday (she’s a week exactly after my birthday)

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

I’ve been told most people think I’m shy and awkward but once I talk, they are surprised with how engaging I can be in conversation. Which makes me laugh because generally on the inside I’m panicking as I have social anxiety issues. 

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m 32 but people never seem to think it. When I was at university, I was older than everyone else as an adult student but they all thought I was around 20-21 when I was 24+ hahah. 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

On top of Octavia’s crate which is next to my bed. Or if I need to charge it, I leave it on my desk. I’m a very light sleeper so when my alarm goes off, it doesn’t need to be next to me to wake me up.

32. what word do you say the most?

When I’m talking - “like” (which really annoys me). When I’m writing - “but”.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

I try to believe I would date anyone regardless of age. But I’ve been known to have put an age limit of no more than 8 years older when I was feebly using dating websites. I don’t actively search for someone anymore, so if they came into my world and matched me well in a natural way, then I don’t think age would deter me. 

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

I’m a bit more carefree on this one... I think it comes from being an older kpop fan and liking on younger idols because there’s hardly any idols left that are my age/older lol. Again as above, I wouldn’t let a younger age deter me in the right setting.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Author. I’ve even done those career quizzes on multiple occasions and the first choice is always Author/Writer. 

The second choice people say is teacher. Which I was training to be until my injury. 

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop. 

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’m happy where I live. I’ve never thought of being able to live elsewhere.

38. What is your current favourite song?

White or Feeling - both by Jeong Sewoon. 

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I started it on July 2nd, 2018.

40. What are you excited for?

Uh, I’m not really excited for anything? 

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

A bit of both.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Yesterday I made a new paddock up for our horses, cleaned out my guinea pig’s house, cleaned out the entire bathroom where Byul and her kittens are staying. And then last night I did Chelle Chats which was pretty busy! 

Today I’ve been pretty chill compared so far. 

43. What do you want for Christmas?

I’m not sure. I’m never good at knowing what I want. Better at knowing what to buy others.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, it was English and Biology. In university, it was Classics/Ancient History.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

6

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?  

Not sure. I had an image of how I hoped to be a mother, and continuing on with my art business, but with puberty rocking our house with my sister and my finances taking a nose dive, fertility treatment is long gone sadly. I’ll just think I’ll focus on the now and improve/appreciate what I have! 

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

I’m sure this question is related to dating but for me, when I was 14 my heart broke when my Nana died. And in 2012, when my Dad was killed was when I gained another ball in my box of grief. Last year was tough losing my dog of 15.5 years too. Got three balls in that box now :( 

As for dating, sure, I’ve hurt from limited attempts to confess and being rejected... but I’ve never had real opportunity for heartbreak like that.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

Lmfao. I’ll probably be single for my whole life. Marriage is so far from the cards for me, I can’t imagine it. 

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be a Veterinarian or Teacher.

50. What do you crave right now?

Food cos it’s 1.34pm and I’ve not eaten yet oops.

Tagging: @this-song-thats-only-for-you @mark-tuan-and-namjoon-lover @katdefbeom @listlessmaenads @tuanyiems @peachyparkjinyoung @jinyoungmoans @ahgase55g7 @itsallabigmess and anyone else who wants to do this! 

[jackmansjoy]

Tag Game

I was tagged by @freakygirlsworld thanks love❤️

last

1. drink - hazelnut coffee 2. phone call - i think it was my grandma? 3. text message - lmao so it was to one of my middle school teachers and it said “wait what the hell? seriously?” angsty, I know lol 4. song you listened to - Found Tonight by Ben Platt and Lin-Manuel Miranda (seriously so good check it out if you haven’t) 5. time you cried - Monday I think

ever 6. dated someone twice? - Yeaaahhh and it was dumb  7. kissed someone and regretted it - Uh definitely 8. been cheated on - Yeah that sucked too 9. lost someone special - Yeah I for sure have. Several people.  10. been depressed - Yeah that tends to happen when you have clinical depression. Weird concept, I know. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - You know. I’d like to say no. Normally I can handle my alcohol, however I learned that when you chug like 4 different kinds of alcohol within a short amount of time your body doesn’t like that. Yeah learned my lesson there. At least college taught me something amiright?

fave colours 12. Purple 13. Blue 14. Grey

in the last year have you… 15. made new friends - Yeah for sure 16. fallen out of love - Oh yeah.  17. laughed until you cried - Several times haha 18. found out someone was talking about you - Bruh I swear two faced bitches are everywhere. So this is a  f a t  yes. 19. met someone who changed you -  Most of the people I have met this year have changed me and my outlook on life in some way. 20. found out who your friends are - This one has been unfortunately all too real. It’s sucked but in the end I’m glad I’m learning who’s really here for me and who’s not. 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - Lmao nooo

general 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - Basically all of them except maybe like a handful 23. do you have any pets - Yesss. My baby boi Teddy. He’s a 3 year old teddy bear puppy. So just a wonderful little ball of fluff. He’s my child and I love him with all my heart.  24. do you want to change your name - I used to want to. Because like I used to think the name Ciera was such trash because the only nickname/way to shorten it was C and no one wanted to do that so like. I was biter. But now I’m actually pretty okay with the name. So the only way my name is getting changed is if a miracle happens and I somehow get married.  25. what did you do for your last birthday- My family threw a small pizza party for me at a local bar in our town. Which was rigged because since I’m not at the legal age to consume alcohol they got a round of free drinks since it was my birthday and I sat there drinking a soda. They thought it was the funniest thing in the world. But it was cool having my aunts and uncles and cousins together at a time other than a holiday. So that was legit. 26. what time did you wake up today - Lmao ya’ll coming for me here... like 12pm... I have no defense, I just like sleep.  27. what were you doing at midnight last night - Pretending to study math while actually learning the lyrics to Hamilton (my current obsession along with tgs and Dear Evan Hansen).  28. what is something you cant wait for - This school year to be over because ya girl is stressed af. But also waiting for my DVD copy of tgs.  30. what are you listening to right now-  Right Hand Man from Hamilton 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - I know two people named Tom actually! The first Tom I know is a really good friend of my aunt and uncle and he’s just a happy drunk man. I enjoy him. He’s cool. The other Tom I know was a family friend of a family that I went camping this year. We both had been drinking and this Tom guy and I had a really intense conversation about depression and anxiety around a fire and it was rad. Tom was talking about how it was bullshit that society doesn’t talk about it much and how he just got diagnosed with anxiety and shit.  32. something that’s getting on your nerves - Everything lmao. Nah I’m kidding. Um it gets on my nerves when people make fun of someone for loving something. Like don’t give me shit for finding something that makes me happy you piece of shit. i don’t care if you don’t like it or think it’s dumb, i love it so go away. Sorry that got too angsty lmao 33. most visited website - Either Tumblr or YouTube. 34. hair colour - Dark brown (almost black but not quite there) 35. long or short hair - Short hair. Pixie cuts for days bois 36. do you have a crush on someone - Yeah see I don’t really know. maybe? not really? I don’t know. feelings are confusing guys.  37. what do you like about yourself - My eyes. They’re pretty rad.  38. want any piercings? - I used to want to get my lip pierced but I’m less emo now so like probably not.  39. blood type - Lmao I feel like actual trash for not knowing this?? But yeah no clue sorry lol  40. nicknames - I’m lame and my name is stupid so the only thing I got is C. 41. relationship status - Single af. In the odd shot that any of you lovely people wanna change that my inbox is open lmfao I’m so sad ignore that 42. zodiac - Scorpio ;) 43. pronouns - She/her 44. fave tv shows - House MD, NCIS, Supernatural, Once Upon a Time, yeah I’m sure there are a bunch more but I can’t think right now 45. tattoos - I have one but want more. I have one on my collarbone area that says “Inhale the future exhale the past” with some birds 46. right or left handed - Right  47. ever had surgery - No and I’m thankful because the concept of it scares the hell out of me lol 48. piercings - I’ve had my ears pierced like twice but I let the holes close both times. just not my scene 49. sport - My favorite sport to watch is probably football or hockey but my favorite sport to play is softball.  50. vacation - My favorite vacation I’ve ever been on was a cruise to the Bahamas. My dream vacation would be Australia and New Zealand.   51. trainers - Wot? I’m confused lol

more general 52. eating - I don’t eat consistently. Like I’m terrible. I usually only eat once a day?  53. drinking - I drink a lot. like I’m always thirsty af 54. i’m about to watch - Probably The Greatest Showman tbh 55. waiting for - My friends to come online because I’m bored 56. want - To see a Broadway production 57. get married - Eventually I’m hoping to 58. career - Yeah I really don’t know what I want to do with my life right now but I’m leaning towards teaching for a number of reasons. 

which is better 59. hugs or kisses - Hugs are you kidding me. They’re the best.  60. lips or eyes - Eyes all the way.  61. shorter or taller - Taller 62. older or younger - Lmao is that even a question? Older.  63. nice arms or stomach - Nice arms for sure.  64. hookup or relationship - Relationship. Don’t come at me with a hookup dude I’m too emotional for that shit.  65. troublemaker or hesitant - Depends on the situation but in all honesty more hesitant

have you ever 66. kissed a stranger - Nope  67. drank hard liquor - Lmao.. umm... yeah  68. lost glasses - Yeah and it was terrible because do you know how hard it is to look for something when you’re like blind??  69. turned someone down - Yeah like once or twice.  70. sex on first date - Nah bro.  71. broken someones heart - Yeah unfortunately 72. had your heart broken - Oh yeah for sure.. 73. been arrested - Nope 74. cried when someone died - Uh yeah of course. 75. fallen for a friend - Lmao dude it’s like my specialty. 

do you believe in... 76. yourself - Not really. Not as much as I should.  77. miracles - Maybe. Depends on the situation I guess.  78. love at first sight - Again.. Maybe.  79. santa claus - Lol no. that magic was taken away from me.  80. kiss on a first date- Hey if it feels right who am I to stop it 81. angels - I believe that people who die watch over you but I don’t believe in the things with the wings and harps and stuff.  82. best friend’s name - Talia <3 83. eye colour - Hazel 84. fave movie - I can’t pick one don’t do this.. The Greatest Showman, Logan, The Breakfast Club, The Prestige, and Dead Poet’s Society 85. fave actor - Is this even a question? HUGH JACKMAN. HANDS DOWN. ALL THE WAY. HUGH. MF. JACKMAN. 

Lmao sorry this is so long. Oops. 

I’m tagging: @three-wishes-not-granted @rewritting-the-stars @no-more-living-in-the-shadows @thegreatestjxckman @teasockschocolate

[thislifeisyours-ifyouwantit]

Introduction; 5/3/20

Ah fuck, where do I start with all of this…

I guess this would be a good way to journal, as seeing as I’m a particularly lengthy writer, and an articulate one at that. Writing by hand used to be my preferred method, but with all the things going on and our (my) world changing so much, I don’t have the time to sit down and properly write by hand. So this is what I’m going to do instead.

I’m overwhelmed and got too much on my mind, so I found that maybe making a journaling blog might help.

I’m 23 and I’ve seen too much evil in this world, so it now exists inside of me. That’s what I’m calling it now- evil- all this pent-up rage that’s a part of my healing process with the CPTSD and PTSD.

It originally started to crop up when I worked out, and it has begun to grow out of hand the past couple of months. Psychiatrists past and present have told me it’s normal to feel vicious and enraged towards your abusers, even healthy and normal as it’s a sign of healing… But man, is this normal?

I even gave it a face. It’s name is Venny, short for Vengeance. It walks on two arms, like that Japanese urban legend thing, the Taka-Taka or some shit? Huge grin on its face, and slits for pupils. Jagged teeth. Maybe I’ll upload a picture of Venny. Venny even can transform into a feral three-headed rotting werewolf… Sometimes my rage takes different forms.

All it feels like is a bloodthirsty animal that wants to hurt people. Hurt those that hurt me, and hurt myself, as of lately…

That’s primarily why I started this. My suicidal ideation has gone through the roof since COVID-19 began. I feel nearly out of control. And historically knowing me, I’ve got serious problems with control and the need to be in control.

Things fucking suck right now. And if you really, really know me, things “sucking” for me is quite monumentally different than other people. My bullshit tolerance is so much higher than normal people. I’m so used to being walked all over like a doormat, lmfao. Probably because my PTSD allows me to tolerate such high levels of stress (or not even register I’m stressed in the first place).

It started with getting an ESA. I tried pairing myself up with a couple of dogs. It didn’t work out; I actually got stressed out & had anxiety attacks in response to the dogs. Damn did I want a dog. What kind of sick, twisted system of a body gets stressed to a thing that should be therapeutic? What the fuck.

So then I spiraled quickly after I pitied myself and resented this stupid PTSD brain of mine. I was angry that I was trying to find solutions after my PTSD had been getting out of control the last few months, and I was trying to find a solution, and this didn’t work. Then I considered a cat. But even though I wanted to deny it to myself, my allergies to cats are pretty high. And then… I wanted a ball python, which was pretty lit.

Now, my insecurities about finances have been haunting me since I quit my job due to my PTSD (do you see a running theme here) and I began to worry about what my parents would say if I wanted a snake (newsflash: they suck at supporting me, and they were not too positive in response to a snake when I said I wanted one). I waffled between pets a lot. I think I’ll go for a cockatiel or bird, as it might help a lot… I love birds, have for two years now, might as well jumpstart.

Then, the whole “breathing issues and can’t work out” issue got to me. Gaining weight has been really fucking getting to me. I want to spite kill myself over it. I’ve been setting up a routine to eat three times a day instead of eating uncontrollably, and I walked every day, but I still grew even more depressed.

I think the thing that’s driving me most nuts is NOT HAVING ANYTHING TO DO AT ALL. FUUUUUCK. I’m going nuts with nothing productive to do, save for my classes. I want to work, but then again- disabilities, I’m immunocompromised, harassed out of my jobs… good shit you know.

And my roommate has been driving me up a fucking wall. She’s an extrovert, I’m an introvert. She’s also obviously neurotypical as all Hell, and very needy for contact with people. Couple weeks back I asserted my boundaries with her, but she still invades my space sometimes and it drives me nuts. She touches me without consent (no not sexually, like hugs and pokes (the fuck?) and stuff like that). Mostly her neurotypicality (is that a word?) is what grates me like cheese. It wakes Venny up… Makes me want to stab the shit out of her or something. I know that’s concerning and evil and stuff, but she’s said shit that annoys the fuck out of me. We were watching a movie where a guy got possessed by an evil ghost and he cut himself pretty bad to spell a message in blood. She knows I’ve self-harmed. She says “dude, how deep do you have to cut yourself to bleed that much?”

I immediately had to tell her “dude, don’t say that stuff- it’s highly triggering.”

Oof, God I cannot stand it.

And to put the icing on the cake: Registrar denied my petition for my credits at my last institution to substitute general education credits at my college now. Had a breakdown in my car. So I’m at a setback for graduation by at least a quarter. Which doesn’t seem much, but when you’re a disabled, pissed off 5th year college student like me, so close to graduating, who was going to graduate in the summer but now CAN’T because you got set back by TWO FUCKING CREDITS… Makes you want to run your mid-sized vehicle into the closest godforsaken lake.

So basically: I’m stuck indoors, with a huge ESA problem, I can’t use my #1 coping mechanism which is working out, my graduation plans got fucked up, and I want to hurt myself and everyone around me. Greaaaaat.

I mean, on the plus side I’ve got my boyfriend Max, who is a GODSEND, who is so patient and sweet with me. I’m currently at this place as I type this and set up this blog. And I may have settled on a bird finally; finally got back to my professors after getting the fuck out of town. We shall see.

I don’t know what to do with myself, or what to do to cope better. Whenever I’m alone, I fixate on cutting again. I’ve been so, so many years clean, like 5 years clean. I want to kill myself so bad when I’m alone. I just wish I had the gym back.

~*~

[mari0016]

Open Letter to the People Who Care About Me (6)

Hey....I’m back. I know it’s been a while...a long while actually. I think the last time I wrote a letter to you all was back in December. 

Well a couple of things have changed since then. Are you busy? Do you have enough time to read this? Are you comfortable? Well go ahead and get comfortable, take a seat, get some coffee or tea, relax and prepare to learn more about me. 

Last time I checked in I was having some money issues. Well that hasn’t changed much, but I’m working on it. I have another job now, a part time job at a gas station across the street. It’s honestly not as easy as I thought it would be. I work the over night shift, meaning I go in at 11 pm and get out at 6 am. Rough. Sometimes it gets hard trying to balance everything in my life. There are times where I skip meals or lose sleep, or sometimes I try and catch up on sleep and end up missing a day. Still, I’m working on it, finding a balance between it all. As of now I no longer have free days, it kinda bums me out but bills don’t pay themselves. Either way, the main reason I wanted my weekends off were so I could visit my family but in all honesty, I think it should work both ways...right? I mean I don’t have a car so I can’t travel to see them but they’re more than welcome to come visit me, even if just for a couple hours. God knows if I could I would.

Last time I went into detail about my drinking problem, well as much in detail as I could anyway. Some of you reached out and asked me about it, expressed your concern, and offered your support. I want to take a moment to thank those who did, honestly, thank you. As for those of you who didn’t it’s okay, really, it is. You probably don’t feel comfortable asking, or maybe you think I’ll get offended of defensive, I won’t. By all means if you have questions then go ahead and ask me. I might have minded at first but if it helps people understand my situation and how I feel then by all means ask away. 

Honestly, my intention is no longer to keep things from you guys or lie to you. So it’s only fair that you guys know that I did have a couple of drinks on New Years. I wasn’t going to, I promise, but quitting cold turkey is hard. It started with a friend I hadn’t hung out with in a while, we recently reconnected, and she offered me a drink. I was too embarrassed of saying no and having to explain the reason why so I took it. I had two drinks that night. Honestly, it felt great. I missed it, the taste, the feeling it gave me, the smooth liquid flowing down my throat, I missed it all too much. But I only had two drinks. I had two more on New Years. NO biggie, they were just wine coolers. Had a couple more once I went back to my apartment in Campaign. Vodka Cranberry with Sprite. No biggie. I was a bit proud, seeing how I had control, how I only needed two drinks, no more. But I had a bad day. I was stressed out and I don’t even remember what I was stressing out about if I’m being honest. But I do remember having more than two drinks. I remember having more than alcohol that day. I had three Smirnoff Ice Green Apple Beverages and three vodka cranberry drinks. Oh and some chocolate fudge laced with weed. Now this may not seem like a lot but to someone like me, with a drinking problem, it wasn’t looking too good. Because then I started thinking. I wanted more. I wanted so much more. This just wasn’t doing it for me, not the Smirnoff drinks or the vodka or the weed. I needed something stronger. I needed tequila. Now here’s the thing. I’m not sure if I have said this before but my one weakness, the one thing I can never control is tequila. But before I had the chance to go out and buy some I got a call. I declined it. But I got a message shortly after. Now, even though I had posted some of this on my Snap Chat it’s important to say that I didn’t have this person on there. Yet, somehow, this person felt something was wrong with me so he wanted to check in. And I couldn’t have been more glad that he did. Because for some unknown reason to me I completely opened up to him, I vented. He talked to me until I was able to calm down a bit. He still checks in once in a while and for that I thank him. See, I’m the type of person who wants to get better on their own. But even the dumbest person knows they can’t do it on their own. Sometimes you need a little help and that’s okay. It took me a while to realize that, that I can ask for help, that it doesn't make me weak. 

Fast forward to last Friday night. I had two places to go to. Large group (connected to this Bible Study group I go to) or to a friend’s 21st birthday party. I chose neither, at first. I wanted a night in to catch up on sleep. However, I later decided that maybe I would go to this party after all. I had been so stressed lately and barely had time for friends. So why not enjoy my Friday night? It was BYOB. For those of you who don’t know, BYOB means bring your own beverage. So I bought a large bottle of Heineken beer and in a separate empty bottle I poured some cranberry juice and some vodka...okay a lot of vodka. I decided this was all I was going to drink. Clearly I was lying to myself. Fast forward to the end of the party, or at least to the part where I wake up the next morning with a terrible hangover and an upset stomach. Turns out I had much more than I thought. I started with a cup of jungle juice, then moved on to my beer, then to the vodka with cranberry juice, and somehow ended up drinking a lot of tequila. Yep. Tequila. My number one enemy. What could possible go wrong right? Well, I called my mom at 1 am but luckily she didn’t pick up. I called my former best friend but he also didn’t pick up. However, drunk me thought it would be a good idea to leave a voicemail in which I called him a terrible person and asking how he could hurt me the way he did. Thanks drunk me. No, seriously, thanks. You did me a huge favor. I needed to do that, I just could never work up the courage to do it. 

Now let’s talk about this real quick. I’m sure you all remember who I’m talking about, but if you don’t then please go back to letter 4. there’s plenty about him in that one. Anyway, I didn’t expect him to respond, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping he would. His response? A text. Not a call. A text. A simple text saying, “Lol r u drunk?” That’s what I got ladies and gentlemen. I mean this asshole couldn't even bother to type proper English for crying out loud. Oh and some of you know him and I could honestly care less if you tell him about this. Because the truth is that I DO NOT CARE. Not anymore anyway. I did before but this guy couldn’t even be bothered to ask why I had been drinking or why I had called him or why I had said he was a terrible person. HE DIDN’T CARE. Still, I apologized for what I had said and told him that although I didn’t remember the previous night, that I more than likely was drunk. He said it was okay because I didn’t say anything bad. I take it it’s not the first time he’s been told he’s a terrible person, or maybe he’s been called worse, or maybe he just didn’t care. Fine by me. So I sent him one last message. I said that the bottom line was that I should never have called him. To which he responded with five simple letters. LMFAO. Boy I don’t even know how I was ever friends with this douche. But anyway, this all made me realize that I deserve better friends. Friends who actually care about me and support me. Friends who are willing to listen and take things seriously. Now I don’t want you guys to misinterpret this. By no means do I wish him any harm. The total opposite actually. I hope he grows up and matures. I hope his dreams of becoming a writer come true. I hope he learns to value people and not take them for granted. I hope he finds peace and happiness. But as far as his friendship....well I can finally say I no longer need it. He’s just not the right type of friend for me, not the kind I need right now. But I will cherish the good memories we had, but that’s all it is now, just memories. 

Now back to what’s really important. Although, I had a minor setback, I’m regaining control. I haven’t really had any breakdowns since I’ve been back here. I mean yea I have bad days but they’re not as bad as they were before. I usually can find something to distract myself with or something to occupy myself with. There are still some days where I lay in bed thinking of all the things I could’ve done differently. Maybe if I had changed a couple of things.....I don’t know maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now. And the more I think that the less I wish I had changed things. Did terrible things happen to me in my past? Yes. Did I lose important people in my life? Yes. Did people betray me? Yes. Did I get caught up with the wrong people? Yes. Did I fail at life sometimes? Yes. But everything I have been through has made me who I am now. Someone who can take a punch or two. I’m not weak. Having depression doesn’t make me weak. If anything I’m stronger. Because even with this depression I still manage to get up most of the days. I still manage to live my life. I am still able to make something of myself. So no, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Because everything that I have been through has led me to where I am now. And I love where I am now. I have met some incredible people, I have made amazing friends, I have gained my independence, I have such a strong bond with my cousin - Wendy if you’re reading this, you are seriously the best. Seriously, thank you for being you. Thank you for being like a sister to me. Thank you for never giving up on me. - I have experienced so many great things. Champaign has been nothing but kind to me. I love it here. 

Now I really want to end this on a positive note so I’ll talk more about my anxiety, PTSD, and my eating disorder in my next letter. 

Again, thank you all for taking time out of your day to read this. Thank you for the enormous amount of support y’all show me. Thank you for the endless amount of love y’all have for me. Thank you. 

Love,

M