#looking at the BRIGHT side today

[moregraceful]

learned my stuff is not coming for a while and nearly fell into a state of despair, then remembered that i brought all my electronics with me in the car, which means i have my photo printer, which means i can print out photos of mark canha and bryce harper for my fridge. if i have nothing, at least i can be cringe

[leconcombrerit]

I've been so out of it and floating in thick brain fog today that I was even able to line and shade something, an event unheard of for centuries now. I should have added blood on Kevin. I'm not going back on it though, I spent way too long on this already.

I mean it's still a redraw cause I still have absolutely no creativity juice going, but it's still something. I remember the exact moment I drew the original version below, sitting on a friend's couch after coming back from work, 100% procrastinating my thesis and reports. I listened to Night Vale every morning on my way to work for the three months I stayed at my friend's place, lingering around when the episode was a few minutes too long, and to hell with being late and stuff.

November 2020, but lord does it feel like forever ago. But also not four years. Time is weird like that.

I guess I could see some people liking the older version better, since the style was quite different. But I still think my strokes got more confident and bolder, and that there's more movement too now. Also I changed the color palette.

[shootingstarpilot]

fuck me with a rusty rake, i guess

[evafhernee]

holy shit we won so hard today something absolutely heart-shattering is sure to happen now

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

happy day

[foxett]

Hey guys

[felix-lupin]

I hate going to the dentist or the doctor's or whatever because every single time they're like

"And how often do you brush your teeth?"

And I'm really really bad at forming habits. Absolute garbage at it. It's really hard for me to start doing something and then maintain it as routine, and that's if I even REMEMBER to do it. IF I even remember, I still need to scrounge up the motivation to do it. I've never in my life been able to maintain a routine of brushing my teeth twice a fucking day, but there's been a few times where, with enough effort, I've been able to maintain a routine of once a day.

So I look at them, and I'm like, "I brush my teeth about once a day," and I'm proud of myself, a little, because I know it was really hard for me to get there, and once a day is better than nothing, right?

But they look at me, and every time they're like, "Well, you really should be brushing your teeth twice a day." And any amount of pride I might've had is gone, washed away and drowned out by shame, instead, because even my best isn't good enough. Even when I've managed to get something, they look at me and they're like "You should do more."

And they'll lecture me on it, tell me that once a day isn't enough. They'll tell me to at least try to brush my teeth twice a day, not once, and they'll present it like it's such a reasonable request. Like, this is the bare minimum, this isn't hard to do, it's easy, you should at least try to do it.

And because the shame is too much, and I don't want to look like I'm not trying, because I AM, I'm trying my best, and I don't want to say no because then it'll look like I'm just lazy, not willing to put in the effort. So I'll say okay, and I'll agree. And when I go home, I brush my teeth and maybe I'll brush my teeth twice a day for two or three days, and then I'll miss it. It's too emotionally/slash mentally draining to keep up the habit, or I didn't have the time, or some other reason, but I'll miss it.

And then, instead of being able to go back to brushing my teeth once a day, keeping that small, basic thing so that I have at least some upkeep on my teeth, I feel so much shame and dejection, I feel like such a useless failure, that I just.. Stop. I stop doing even that basic upkeep. I don't brush my teeth for fucking months, until it gets bad enough that they start to hurt and even then I'm like, why should I even try to get back into the habit? It's not worth it. It's not enough. It'll never be enough.

My best will never be enough for those people. I'll brush my teeth once a day, and they'll say, well, it should really be twice a day, as if I don't already know. I'll clean a small portion of my room, organize my desk or take out the trash or clean the closet, and they'll say, well, you should really clean the whole thing. I'll walk for twenty or thirty minutes while my legs hurt nearly the whole time, and then it gets bad enough I have to sit down, and they'll say, well, you really shouldn't sit here or you're wasting time or come on, it's not even that long, you should be able to walk for this long. or you're being dramatic, just believe in yourself!

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my needs being dismissed, my best efforts being dismissed as not good enough when it's so hard for me to do that much. I hate it, and I hate how even though I know that I'm trying my goddamn best I can't fully erase the shame, not truly. It sits in the back of my brain like a parasite, eating away at my motivation to do things, to try my best. Consuming it until the shame just crushes and paralyzes me, and then I can't get myself to do anything like that at all, can't even try to put in the bare minimum, let alone my best. Because my best isn't good enough, will never be good enough, and it'll never get rid of the shame.

[buggbuzz]

starting a little diagram journal about the changes in my joint pain throughout my experience with lyme disease.

it began to affect me sunday night, and today, tuesday 9/10, marks my first day on antibiotics! the worst of it should be over soon, and i should be out of the woods completely in 45 days. 👍

[gothsuguru]

updated my tumblr & now all my messages are gone omfg………….

[novemberthewriter]

ooh lord the weight that just got lifted from my shoulders.

[supercantaloupe]

truly detest how pcos tags/forums/etc are absolutely crawling with terfs

[orcelito]

Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair

Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Saudi Arabian Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso(aka me ignoring the penalty)(*edit, I successfully willed away his penalty)

[oldmanaficionado]

Why did they drop the trailer right before I have to go to work 😩

[solradguy]

Trust me when I say that not having worked on Lightning the Argent for almost a month now, again, drives me crazy just as much as I'm sure it's driving everyone else waiting for the EN translation crazy arrghgh

[marsipaniscool]

the absolute audacity to drone on about how your daughter was traumatised by her hair being cut shorter than she liked while cutting my hair shorter than i like.

yes i am a person that places value on their hair, its SO important to my self expression and honestly its an important part of my identity. she knows that. was just telling her abt wanting to grow my hair out long! so i just wanted a bit trimmed. deadass said “half an inch max pls” tell me why TWO INCHES are gone from my head. YAHADIAH THE FUCK? explain.