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mountain-of-divine-fire · 5 years

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Crystal spirits, and how i work with them

Disclaimer. this is all my personal experience and beliefs. though this post is educational, take from it only what you believe. my word isnt the authority and neither is any other blog post.

In my experience with crystals throughout the years, ive learned many things about them. i hope this post will help yall out there, who are maybe beginners, or just curious on how some things work, or how others like to do things.

This post does not list crystal correspondences.

This will be a bit rambly, but i hope you get what i mean~

Obtaining your friends

Couple of options for this, i would suggest going rock hounding in a local area. Bring your companions, water, and your tools.

Maybe youre in a place with slim pickings,like me. you can just buy some online or in person

Crystal shopping online seems more convenient since you can look everywhere for whatever you want, and get to compare prices.But physical crystal shops are great because you can tell by feel who wants to come home with you.

honestly, i believe nothing happens to a crystal that it doesnt want to happen. and if it does, it will end up fixing it itself. If you get a crystal that doesnt feel right, you will know who to give it to.

Im in the crystal shop. Now what? Well, just take a look around! see what catches your eye.I like to have a very loose suggestion of a shopping list, but it usually gets thrown out the window. If you feel like you need to touch something, do it. (unless the shop says no touchy ofc). Some things will practically jump out at you and scream “TAKE ME WITH YOU”. If you dont find something that really yells at you, and you still want to bring something home, just find something pretty.

How crystal spirits work

This is mostly based on what ive experienced. this doesnt come from any specific belief , but it does align with how some people practice animism.

(much like in steven universe,if i had to give an example,) Crystals pop out of the ground, knowing who they are and what they do.They may grow and change with their experiences, but mostly, they know what theyre about. They are given energy and life by the earth, and they do their job.

Each crystal group, species, and individual type seem to have overarching personality traits and a group spirit. i think some folk call these “crystal devas” but im not entirely sure where that comes from and what that entails. also each vein, and individual piece, has their own spirit and personality, say, beryl and quartz are completely different. An amethyst and a rose quartz are both quartz, and therefore have a similar type of personality, but are different. Each amethyst also has its specific differences. A chevron would be different from a grape jelly. Two individuals broken off from the same cluster would be different but similar, and so would each half of a broken slab.

sometimes individuals have names, and sometimes they can be named by you. some like to work with each other, and some prefer to work alone.

Each crystal has correspondences , but sometimes those general guidelines can be deviated from, simple because the individual just doesnt do that kind of thing.

My crystal broke! what happens then? Well, now you have two friends to work with. Some folk like to keep one half and give the other to a friend, some keep both halves and glue them back together with super glue (i do this with show pieces), and some folk like to bury them and return them back to the earth. You dont have to get rid of your broken pieces if you dont feel like its time. The crystal will let you know

How crystal spirits communicate

Most of the time, unless youre just really closed off, you will just feel it. They usually speak in feelings. if one wants to come with you for the day, you will know. If one wants anything , youre gonna know it. Dont second guess yourself, and just do it on impulse, pretty much.

These spirits are from nature, and are usually not relatable to humans (theres exceptions to this, like lab made crystals, and carved skulls, more on that later.). they can and will communicate in ways youre not familiar to, if you dont do spirit work.If a crystal tells you its name, like its TRUE name, you might not even be able to comprehend the words its throwing at you. dont try to decipher it, just let it be. also , try to keep true names secret unless they tell you otherwise.

If you cant really feel what they try to communicate, you could also meditate. If they want to say anything at least. just get cozy and meditate as you usually would, once you get good and calm just hold a rock and sit with it for a bit. Usually this type of communication is more in detail, maybe fully formed thoughts and sentences, maybe images. Once i even got one that liked to speak through song lyrics!

If you cant do these, use a pendulum! Ask the pendulum where its yes is, and where its no is. (for me usually, non human or complex spirits like to go left and right for yes, and forward and back for no. for animal spirits and servitors, ive found usually they nod yes and shake no. not sure how plants respond just yet.)

Ask it some troubleshooting questions first like “are you an amethyst, are my eyes blue, do i live at XYZ” ect...

A problem with pendulums is, if you try and use a crystal pendulum when working with any other spirit, the crystal itself may respond. Always ask if youre talking to the right entity.

What might a crystal communicate to me? It could be something as simple as “my name is ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ ⌷ “ or “you like to smoke cleanse usually, but i would specifically like sunlight ”, or it could be advice about a situation that you need help with.

Can these spirits be malevolent? personally, no. i dont think so. though it can be a grey area. most nature spirits want nothing but the greater good for themselves, nature, and maybe even you, if youre a good person in its eyes.

there are instances where a crystal could be “angry”, maybe because the way it was obtained, or that it holds some kind of curse/hex/negative energy (maybe just even being around something awful that happened). Usually cleansing a stone will help with this. And if it doesnt? Try and see if you can do anything for it.

Be careful about crystal runes, as you can piss them off. ive made a few mistakes in my time working with them(and by a few i mean a LOT, its not fun), in general just dont be a dick, and dont ask for things youre not ready to know the answer to. always thank them for cooperating, and cleanse them after use.

What are the effects of this? for me, it was like a terrible panic attack, i was suffocating, my heart was going nuts, it was so hot, and i was so dry mouthed. i have never had panic attacks that bad. Tried to use some quartz crystals to ground myself, since i knew it was an attack, and they broke in half in the middle. This is completely my fault. I got scared and locked my runes away because it told me something i wasnt ready for, the next time i busted them out (and i hadnt thanked or cleansed them since,) is when they decided to teach me that lesson.. i was new at magic and stupid. and im glad my first big mistake was with something this forgiving. You probably wont ever have to deal with something like this if youre generally respectful. please learn from my mistakes.

As with any divination and spirit work, you need to take protective measures. when youre speaking to a crystal spirit, you may actually be talking with something else. and it could be negative. use your best judgement please.

Whats up with cleansing/charging/ect..?

a lot of folk like to fight over whether or not you need to charge, cleanse, and bless or whatever else you need to do to crystals. Personally,i do like to cleanse crystals after heavy use, spellwork, or when i first get them from a shop. just to get rid of residual negativity.

Crystals can hold information, but as far as charging them, im not so convinced. crystals arent a sigil, or something you made yourself. it has its own energy from the earth and its spirit, and will work perfectly fine without any of that. Only do what you feel is necessary

If its fine without charging, then why cleanse? other than getting rid of stored negative energy, its just a nice thing to do every once and a while. It sort of works like an offering. showing that you respect the entity and want to work together in a mutual relationship. if you keep up your end as a guardian, then it will help you.

How do i use crystals in spellwork and every day life?

well heres some ideas!

carry some around in your pockets/bag/bra/whatever according to whoever wants to come with you , and crystal associations

Gridwork. make a crystal grid

In spell jars/bottles/satchets

As a decoration in your house to give the space a certain mood, feeling, or help.

In meditation, to give advice perhaps, but also to help you according to its correspondences

In divination, as help.

As vessels for spells, enchantments, servitors, and whatever else (always ask it first!!! im using a large quartz as an astral tether, and a smaller one to house a servitor)

As a friend. ever heard of pet rocks? well this is just an aesthetic step up from that.

in your plant pots, to help them grow and thrive (be careful about water solubility)

Pain relief and healing (only do this in congruence with actual medical care! keep around a fluorite for sinus issues, but definitely take your cold medicine)

Important notes~

As with any spirit, treat your crystals with respect. especially since theyre gifts from the earth. Dont act like you own a crystal. Like a piece of the earth, we really dont own land either. You arent its master and it doesnt have to do what you say. when you buy a crystal, youre pretty much signing up to be its guardian, and adding it to your team. be good to the earth, and to your friends, and a crystal will be good to you.

if you have suggestions on other ways to work with crystals, comment! I hope this post was informational and not a complete rambling mess. have fun working with your rocks, yall~. Post about crystal skulls coming soon.

Admin Fifa~

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haberdashing · 5 years

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The Spider and The Bee

Gwen Stacy gets a car that turns out to be more than meets the eye.

(Yes, this is a Spider-Verse/Bumblebee crossover fic. Yes, this is solely because Hailee Steinfeld plays both roles. So sue me.)

on AO3

Gwen Stacy gets a car for her sixteenth birthday, and she knows that she really should be grateful.

Her parents meant well, she’s sure. And a lot of kids her age would kill to have a car of their own. But to Gwen, the car seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Finding parking for it is generally more of a hassle than just dealing with the idiosyncrasies of the New York City subway system.

(Plus half the time she’s navigating the city, she’s doing it via web-slinging, but her parents don’t know about that part, and if she has any say in it, they never will.)

The car in question isn’t exactly endearing itself to her, either. It’s an old-fashioned Volkswagen Beetle, the kind that she thought had died off decades ago. It looks well-maintained enough, but even Gwen, who is far from an expert on cars, notices that the radio never works and that it sometimes takes multiple tries to start. Her father lets slip at one point that it was obtained in a bust on a chop shop upstate, and honestly, it doesn’t surprise her. An ignoble origin for an ignoble vehicle.

Oh, and the Volkswagen Beetle is yellow. Not a nice, subtle, pastel yellow, either. It’s a bright yellow, a nauseatingly in-your-face yellow, a shade of yellow that reminds her of bumblebees and kindergarten crayons.

Gwen Stacy likes stealth, when she can get it, and this car is anything but stealth.

But she still uses the car from time to time, when where she wants to go is either hard to get to via public transit or off the map entirely. She lies through her teeth about how much she loves the car and appreciates having it.

She even gives it a name, as is their family tradition. She dubs it Bee.

Gwen tells her parents that the name Bee is because the car is the same shade of yellow as some species of bees, and that it’s also short for Beetle, and she’s not lying when she says it, not exactly.

But Bee (or B) can be short for a lot of other things, too. Like Beware. Or Beneath me. Or Below average.

And there’s also how the car always smells like honey, to the point where Gwen honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out that there was a beehive hidden away somewhere inside the car.

There’s also that, while spiders can kill bees, sometimes the reverse is possible as well. It fits how Gwen always feels herself tensing up when she enters the car, how she’s not entirely sure if she’s joking when she tells friends that that car will be the death of her.

But much as Gwen dislikes the car, she has to admit that it’s handy to have around sometimes.

There’s one night in particular where she just wants to get away from it all, and she drives and drives until asphalt turns to dirt, until New York City is just a twinkle in the distance. Once she’s sure that she’s well and truly in the middle of nowhere, Gwen gets out of the car, sits on the ground, and gazes up at the stars.

(She feels a pang of loss when she remembers how Peter always had the constellations memorized, how he would have pointed out stars in the sky and named them all until the sun had risen over them. But Peter wasn’t here now, never would be again because of her, and without his help she couldn’t so much as find the Big Dipper.)

It’s nice to have a moment to just sit there and relax. She doesn’t have to think about her life back in New York, about all the pressures placed upon her both as Gwen Stacy and as Spider-Woman. She can just take in the beauty of the stars and the soft, cool breeze that makes the trees gently sway in the wind and forget the rest of the world entirely.

That is, until she glances over at her car and finds that it’s not there, and that some sort of robot had taken its place.

...or rather, as she looks closer and notices the robot’s bright yellow color under the pale light of the moon and stars, that her car had somehow turned itself into some sort of robot.

Gwen stands up immediately and blurts out the first words that come to mind.

“Are you my car?”

She sees the transformation this time, sees the metal twist and turn and shift into place as what had been a robot turned itself back into the Volkswagen Beetle that she had grown to know, if not love.

“You- you can change back, it’s alright.”

It-

No, that doesn’t feel right. Gwen had already half thought of Bee as a “he” even before her personification of the car became so, well, literal.

He changes back into his robotic shape. His form is generally humanoid, with what looked like a face holding big blue eyes that were shining right at her.

Gwen hopes that she was right in thinking that this spot was in the middle of nowhere, hopes that it’s obscure enough that nobody else would see what her car had become.

“Can you understand me?”

Bee makes a strange noise, one that she could swear sounded a bit like a bumblebee’s buzz, and one that she definitely didn’t know how to interpret.

“Nod your head if you can understand me.” Gwen demonstrates, and Bee replies in kind.

Okay, so they have a language in common. That’s good. Just thinking about trying to invent a language that humans and robots could share is enough to give Gwen a bit of a headache.

“Can you talk?”

Bee buzzes at her again. She thinks she knows what that means, but she wants to be sure.

“Shake your head like this if you can’t talk.” Gwen shakes her head, and so does Bee.

That was... less good. It would be a lot easier if they could talk to one another about what was going on rather than just Gwen asking questions and Bee having to gesture out his responses. But then, nothing in Gwen’s life ever seemed to come easy.

“Are there others like you?” she asks.

Bee stays silent and still for a long moment.

“Or do you not know?”

Bee shakes his head without prompting and lets out a soft whirring noise that sounds a bit like a sigh.

Okay. So not only does she not know the big picture here, he doesn’t either. They are both utterly clueless.

They’re so screwed.

“That’s fine, that’s fine!” Gwen’s voice turns oddly high-pitched as she tries to reassure Bee, the palms of her hands raised and facing towards him. “We can work this out. I’ll help you. We can do this.”

Bee stands up, and Gwen realizes for the first time just how tall he is. He definitely couldn’t fit in her family’s tiny garage like that. And she feels small in comparison, tiny compared to this massive robot facing her, and she has a suspicion that Bee feels the same way.

Gwen’s heart races as she gets an idea of how she can prove to him that she’s not as incapable as she appears. It’s a risk, sure. But he had just revealed what had to be his biggest secret to her, and it felt right to reciprocate the gesture.

She doesn’t have her full Spider-Woman suit with her, hadn’t thought it necessary to bring it all the way out to the middle of nowhere.

(That was probably for the best, really; she probably would have left it in the car, and she suspects that anything in the car has been crushed and mutilated beyond recognition by now, though if all she lost because of her giant robot car was the handful of emergency supplies she left in the trunk and the spare outfit and papers she kept in the glove compartment, that would count as a win in her book.)

But she does have her web-shooters, tucked under her sleeves, just in case.

Gwen shoots one web out onto Bee’s left arm, then another onto his right arm. The webs send her soaring upwards, and she leaps with all her power until she and Bee are face-to-face. She does a flip in the air as she descends, balancing on the tips of her toes for a moment before letting her entire feet hit the ground.

She takes a bow at the end of her little performance, though she highly doubts that Bee would understand the meaning of it.

“Bee, meet spider.”

Gwen isn’t sure of the exact meaning behind Bee’s excited whirring and buzzing, but she assumes it was some kind of positive feedback directed her way.

“We should probably head back in a bit, before my dad starts asking too many questions.” Gwen says. “But first, can I take a picture of you? I have some-”

Gwen laughs quietly to herself, partly because this whole situation is completely and utterly absurd, but partly because she knows just a few short months ago she never would have envisioned herself saying what she was about to say next.

“-some friends who might be able to help us. And I think the first step is letting them get a look at you.”

Bee nods, and Gwen dutifully pulls out her cell phone and snaps a photo of her robot car.

Gwen has a thousand more questions that she feels like asking, but she has a feeling that Bee doesn’t know the answers to most of them either. So instead of trying to get more information out of Bee, she just sighs and says, “Bee, let’s head home.”

Bee turns back into a Volkswagen Beetle, and Gwen steps inside, and she doesn’t feel quite as tense upon entering Bee as she usually did, probably because she knows now why the car had always left her feeling vaguely on edge, and it had nothing to do with it being old-fashioned or bright yellow.

They pass the time on the drive back to New York City in silence, because Gwen doesn’t want to risk people seeing her talk to her car and the radio still isn’t working. And Gwen begins to get a pit in her stomach as it dawns on her that she now has two huge secrets to keep instead of just one.

Because her life wasn’t complicated enough before, apparently.

#bumblebee the movie #bumblebee #transformers #bumblebee fic #into the spider-verse #into the spiderverse #spider-man #spider-man: into the spider-verse #spider-gwen #personal #my writing #might write more of this if i get ideas for it idk #also naming a car is actually a family tradition for me #our current cars are reese and z

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mrgrant9559-blog · 7 years

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Witch Way Is Right? Part 2

A/N: Whats up uglies! Alright so you seemed to love Part 1 of WWIR so much that I now have Clymida-syphilitis (JOKE)... So its only fair that I continue this series, even though I was hoping you guys would hate it so I don’t have to keep writing cause lets face it...

Summary: (Y/N) is a male witch and also comes from a family of witches. When (Y/N) is backed up in a corner by his brother, who chose the dark path, he is forced to choose his own fate, choosing the light path. This causes an Ecliptic War between Light and Dark Witches. During this war, an eclipse (both solar and lunar) is happening, and won’t end until one brother is left standing. With the help of the Avengers and other helpful heroes, will (Y/N) be able to defeat his brother, or will the world be forever secluded in darkness?

Subject: Avengers x Male!Reader (No pairings YET)

Warnings: Mentions of bullying. Thats it!

Prompt: “I have a crazy idea actually, the reader is a male witch, the avengers didn’t know it. They thought that he was just genius kid like peter that tony recruited to help him in developing his suits. One day he sliped and revealed that he could make vision turns into pink by only saying “rosea” and then he turned pink and the avengers were like ‘wtf?'”

Tags: @uselessace @avengersohyeah @thegreatficmaster @lzzywinchester

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

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Peter’s POV:

I still think there’s something weird going on with (Y/N). I highly doubt someone just randomly chants a different language when they’re mad, and what makes it more weird is that it’s Greek. I mean we’re in the same grade and I don’t ever remember seeing him in any of my Greek classes. Maybe he learned it in middle school or from a family member but he’s not Greek. Or is he?

“Ned, you’ve known (Y/N) longer than me. Does he usually speak Greek?” I asked. Ned and I finally had time to rebuild the Lego Deathstar, since he let it fall to pieces when he found out I was Spider-Man. I was honestly scared when Ned found out about my secret. We’ve been friends for a long time and if I know anything about him, its that he can’t keep a secret for shit! But so far he’s been pretty good about not telling anyone, except for this one time he blurted out to everyone in gym class that I personally “know Spider-Man” just to impress this girl I liked named Liz Allen, who just so happened to be the daughter of this bad guy I was having major problems with at the time.

He looked up at me with confusion written on his face, “I honestly have no idea. (Y/N) has always been a closed book. He never really showed that much emotion. Plus, if he DID speak Greek, I wouldn’t know because... well mainly because I don’t know Greek myself.”

In the midst of figuring out (Y/N)’s secret, I’m starting to wonder how someone as nice and innocent as Ned got to be friends with someone like (Y/N).

“Yeah, that got me thinking.” I questioned curiously, “How’d you end up getting to know someone like him? I mean you guys are complete opposites yet you seem to know a lot about each other.”

Ned frowned almost like he was serious and he’s usually never serious about things. “Remember in middle school when those 8th graders threw their lunch at me and kept calling me Fathead Ned in front of everyone at lunch?” I nodded in response with my fists clenched HARD.

I remember that day cause everyone was laughing at him while he looked like he was gonna breakdown in tears. It had me beyond pissed. “Well while I was at the front office waiting for my parents to pick me up, (Y/N) came to comfort me. He told me not to worry and that karma always has something big planned for assholes like them. The next day, those same 8th graders all got a bad case of the flu and couldn’t go to the field trip to Universal Studios.”

I couldn’t help the smile that kept growing, “Yeah I remember that day. I also remember they were perfectly fine the day after the field trip, and they were disappointed that they missed out on all the fun.” I chuckled, “I guess (Y/N) was right about karma having big plans for assholes like them, huh?”

Ned shook his head in denial, “No. I think (Y/N) WAS the karma.”

“Ned, what are you saying? You think (Y/N) gave those 8th graders the flu somehow? That doesn’t even make sense.” We were both standing up now, completely disregarding the Lego’s existence at this point.

“Thats what I thought until you mentioned him speaking in Greek.” I was so confused. He walked to my bed where his backpack was sitting and pulled out his laptop. He searched “Greek witchcraft” and a bunch of weird and disturbing images came up but one link in particular, which Ned clicked, stated that Witches usually use Greek to cast spells but also use ancient Egyptian for powerful spells.

Ned finally breaks the silence. “You see? It says here that ‘Witches have been using Greek to cast spell’s for centuries and only the strongest of witches use ancient Egyptian to cast the most powerful of spells’.”

I can’t believe it! Can (Y/N) really cast spells? Is he really a witch? Referring to a guy as a witch sounds kinda weird though. “Not to sound sexist or anything, but aren’t witches usually female?”

Ned rolled his eyes, “Witch is just a title, Pete. I’m pretty sure it isn’t specified towards gender.” I guess he’s right. Which means if (Y/N)s a witch, then that means he casted a spell on someone earlier today when I heard him speak Greek.

“Ned, if all this is true, then that means I must’ve heard him cast a spell on someone at school today. We’ve gotta find out who it was.”

Ned shook his head once more, “No we don’t. Pete, whose the one guy that finds a way to get under almost everyone’s skin?”

We both gave each other a deadpanned look, “Flash Thompson!” we both said in unison. Now it’s starting to come together. I mean I knew I heard him say something about Flash.

The real question is what kind of spell did he cast on him? “What do you think (Y/N) did to Flash? Whatever it is though I’m sure it’s harmless, right? Like maybe he made him completely bald with no eyebrows!” Ned said, causing the both of us to crack up. I decided to add my own joke. “He probably made it so his hands have toes and his feet have fingers.” At this point we were both hysterical. I mean Flash Thompson was a jerk, so whatever he got I’m sure he deserved. Then Ned added, “Maybe he gave him a hankering for crack!” Ned was busting up laughing but I quickly frowned. “Ned! Thats not harmless! That would seriously ruin Flash’s life.” Ned cleared his throat to stop laughing, “You’re right, my bad. But what are you gonna do if (Y/N) really does turn out to be a Witch?” I haven’t thought about that actually. I mean if he does have powers then I’ll probably have to tell Mr. Stark.

“I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get there. In the mean time, lets finish this Deathstar before it gets too late.” Ned nodded in agreement. I don’t know how we’re gonna ease (Y/N) into all this but we gotta play it cool. Otherwise, WE might be the ones with bald heads and no eyebrows.

The Next Day:

Reader’s POV:

I open my eyes to the sun beating down on my face. As a witch you’d think I’d have a dark room with dark curtains but if I’m being honest, I hate the dark. Plus I don’t do dark magic. If I did dark magic then that would make me evil and I’m not an evil guy, I just hate bullies and when people are treated wrong. Which is the exact opposite of a bad guy. Right? I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and as I’m brushing my tongue, I almost choke from laughter when I realize that I casted that hairy tongue spell on Flash Thompson. Serves him right, though. He’s such an arrogant dick and I hate the way he treats Pete and Ned. Even though I’m a little rude myself to them, I still don’t like seeing them get hurt. I’ve known them since middle school. They’re like an annoying cousin you just don’t wanna associate with that much but still wanna make sure no one else is bothering them. I guess I gotta work on being more friendly and talkative with them. Even though Peter almost figured out my secret.

I walk downstairs to find my mom and dad watching the news. Apparently theres a robbery at the Roosevelt Savings Bank on Broadway. Well, there WAS, until Spider-Man stopped them just before they could get far. Gosh, Spider-Man seems like such a cool a guy. In fact, all the Avengers seem real cool to hang out with. Plus, after doing that history report on Captain America, I’ve kinda developed a crush on him. I highly doubt he’d give me a shot, because it doesn’t seem like he was into guys and even if he was then I’m sure him and Bucky are a thing already. I wish I was an Avenger, but after that little war they had at that airport, I don’t think they’re on good terms yet.

“Are you daydreaming about Captain America again? Snap out of it or you’re gonna be late for school” my mom said in my head. Of course my parents are witches too, so they can just interrupt my thoughts whenever they want, even if I try to put a protection spell around my brain, so it’s no surprise to them that I’m bi. I rolled my eyes and turned towards the front door as I waved my parents goodbye. I got a feeling that today is gonna be a long day.

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Ok so I got done with this part a lot sooner than I expected... I feel like I covered enough in this part and it seems long enough sooo... Hope you guys enjoy!!

#peter parker #ned leeds #midtown #spiderman #iron man #tony stark #marvel #x male!reader #Male!Reader #the avengers #avengers #avengers x male!reader

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years

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Episode 9 - “He just told me what side of the fence to fall on” - Corey

Well that went my way for sure!! While unanimous, literally five minutes into the warzone I told Ian we have to go after Madison and Jacob. He agreed and then we rallied the troops. Love when a plan works out.

An alliance called M&M&M was made between Matt, Madison, and I. We were thinking of doing Ian but we didnt want to push too hard because we didnt want to reveal our cards that we had something. I just hope us sacrificing Jacob will be a positive thing for us and not a negative. Im glad theres allinces forming now. Hope i can stay away from warzone this next round but who knows. Im going to try my hardest tho.

help. who knew that my blood revenge for wanting Nehe out resulted in ALL of the other Kilimanjaro reps to be voted off one by one. parting that with chips, there was 5 people repping that season... and now I'm the lone Survivor from that season. pray for me yalls.

Ugh!!! I blame Johnny for this. Scavenger hunt is usually my favorite challenge except the both times im doing it with Johnny :p these are soooo weird again. Dealing with this challenge and moving my stuff from my apartment on friday/saturday will probably not get me immunity. Im still trying so hopefully everyone else is busy as well. I Curse Johnny but like only a small one. Like him spilling his fries on the floor. 🍟

Hosts: Another Ian confessional, hopefully he shuts up about his idol and actually give some insight into his game. Me: MY IDOL!!!!11!!1 IT IS MINE, MY OWN, MY PRECIOUS. On a real note, I'm not sure if I confessed this round yet that one of the reasons behind the Jacob vote was to put Nar in a numbers advantage should that come into play at anytime. The point of the premerge phase is to build as many pathways to alliances/mutually beneficial voting blocks as possible that also have a vested interest to vote with you. I have Maynor asking to be a duo with me, sure yeah man I do like you and hope to work with you deep in this game as someone that can help me cut Corey or Trace if working with them in the game becomes problematic, but I also know Maynor has a vested interest in Kait, which I do like Kait well enough but she can't be allowed to go on a run if I want a chance to make a run myself. Corey wants to keep our partnership as secret as possible, which yes I do think is smart, it also relies heavily on trust. At this moment in time I have no reason but to trust Corey. That may change in the future, he wants to keep it secret, that's chill, but I'm going to have my own backdoor deals should shit hit the fan. Devon/Matt one of them put me as the scapegoat to Jacob, I don't know which and honestly I do not care which one of them it was. They are both standing in my way at this moment for the win. That could change in the future. The game is long and full of terrors.

this is it this is the round im goin to the w a r z o n e

Im safe!!! Im glad cuz tomorrow is graduation party from my parents and didnt wanna attend tribal. But i feel like Drunk Maynor is being cheated out for this season. I dont have my drinking buddies. Maybe this season wont see Drunk Maynor and I could actually be good in this game.

Me: goes to warzone a bunch People in warzone: don’t target me at all ———— Last round: People in warzone: mention my name Me: flips that ish on Jacob REAL quick also me: HA NOT GOING TO WARZONE AGAIN FOR A HOT SEC BEST BELIEVE IM FINALLY IMMUNE. imagine that! I kinda tried for once! and I placed exactly where I needed to hehe.

Thomas is a fucking idiot honestly. Like, he has been to the war zone enough times to know that the WORST possible thing you can do is throw a name out on the first night. Everything always comes together a couple hours before tribal, and by putting names out there this early, he is basically just MAKING SURE that the vote will come down between him and Adrian. For background, Thomas came to me, still butthurt about being called inactive, telling me that he wants to vote Adrian. I am very into that plan, don't get me wrong. Adrian is one person that I have literally nothing in common with. But to come in, guns blazing, this early in the war zone is a HUGE mistake, one that will probably end in a lot of extra stress for Thomas. But, it is good for me, because even though Thomas likes to spill all the tea to me, he is someone that I could very well afford losing. Kait is finally in the war zone. This could also be a pivotal moment because I would be shocked if people do not gun for her this round. I don't really want her out yet because I feel like she's a great shield for the merge, but we shall see what people want. basically, even though I don't really have any of my closest allies in the war zone (ian, Corey, Madison), I might be okay because of Thomas v Adrian, and MAJOR threats being here. The only thing that could fuck me up is if Owen tries to pull something. I do not trust that kid and want him out early merge. But for now I am just trying to lay low and vote with majority.

against all odds, I'm still safe! Warzone looks like a crackden tonight and I'm nowhere near it. I hope Owen makes it out okay. Kait, though chaotic, is someone I'm getting closer to. I would like to have her around until around f9??? we'll see. Same kind of story w Maynor. I need Thomas and Stephen OUT. Timmy as well. They are on my Arya-style kill list. I've been immune for ??? 4 tribals in a row now??? I still have my save vote to use as I have not been to tribal since obtaining it. I have also acquired a rock-save thing that Ian and I dug up together. Basically, if we go to rocks, I can use it to save myself (immune from my rock being picked). Nifty lil power... Hopefully I also get this save vote and don't become the owner of a dead power. After tomorrow's tribal, we'll be final 14. 10 gone. only 11 more to go before I'm in FTC. or 12. I don't care. As long as I'm there in the end. Ideally, with Ian and Owen and I come out victorious. I am playing nice girl, liar AND schemer. The game is outwit, outlast and you can't outwit Corey Rae Jepsen baby! and if you want the truth, this is Corey. I suspect Owen-Kait-Thomas to vote the same way. i expect Adrian-Matt to vote the same way. Chloe and Stephen are wild cards. Trace... I am praying for to be okay as well. If Chloe-Stephen-Trace-Matt-Adrian work together, they could get Thomas or Kait out. We'll see! I feel bad wanting Kait out as I do like her but if she goes w/o me having a hand in it... I'll be sad bc I like her but happy bc I think she's too smart to keep very long. She'll catch on to me. She'll plan my demise, which is exactly why I need her close to me as long as she's here. Also - Maynor coming in 2nd? I'm out here busting my butt and they're gonna rank me number three? after someone who can't even barely walk and barely do anything and all he does is sit around and fuss and curse everyone.. I was VERY insulted. (this a crystal cox quote sgflksgls) But fr he said he barely did any. mmhmmmm.. If i was on the fence about him before, he just told me what side of the fence to fall on.

Im glad Im safe. Idk how this vote will actually go. I wish luck to thomas matt kait. And ithers but cant remember who from other side is in it. Today imma just keep talking to ian and corey to make deeper bonds with then and enjoying my grad party. Drunk maynor may leave a confessional later.

This warzone is by far the most crucial one in my game. I’m absolutely PARANOID at this point because Kait gave me some info that Ian is mad at me for telling Jacob to vote him, wasn’t my idea but okay. I’m at a point where playing in the middle will leave me getting absolutely squashed in the middle. My allies Kait and Adrian are totally at odds with each other, and Thomas is targeting Adrian and Adrian is targeting Thomas and like, I just wanna vote Chloe. I have the feeling that Adrian needs to go this time around, it would free me of the threat of being sign partners in this game and I’d rather leave bitter betrayals for the pre jury portion of the game. As long as I’m not getting votes and I can keep holding on to this idol and some semblance of good graces with everyone in the game I’m satisfied.

Well I forgot to submit the video confessional I will later lol but I want Adrian out. He seemed very d*ckish about me being inactive and I am not taking kindly to it. It seems Trace is with me and so it Kait and Owen. I hope I can get on more person so we can get Adrian out.

I'm highkey getting 15th again... and I'm gonna cry. Like this fucking hurts so much. People aren't talking to me and the few people are just talking about life and pretty much anything but the vote. Getting a third 15th placement will literally crush my heart and soul so much, so I pray that something works out in my favor.

So happy to be safe, didn't think I would be. Ummmmm, looking at who is going to tribal, i'm not sure who is going to get voted out. I would be so sad if Kait goes, but it would be a smart move in all honesty because this is the first time she's gone to tribal. Getting her or Owen out would be a big move, but I need them in the game for the time being because they are some of the only people who are seen as bigger challenge threats than me. Although I am only safe because of the tribe I'm on, I've never scored the best overall and so really it's an interesting scenario, if I was on the other tribe I would be at the warzone, yet on mine I got 3rd. I just hope it's not a unanimous vote because I want people to come back to camp with drama.

I feel more sick than I ever have and now I’m back in the war zone. How fun. I just hope I can manage to stay safe yet again, I feel like that’s unlikely though

Okay so I’ve been busy af with my friends all of a sudden it’s almkst tribal nnnnn and it’s between Chloe and Adrian rn. Adrian allegedly wanted me and Kait out earlier YIKE so I originally wanted him but now it’s like matt pushing for Chloe This is rlly good for my game tho because it gives me and Kait something to bond over that sets us apart from matt. I literally am never going to turn on Kait in this game.... fuck. I hope she do the same .

Its Alcohol Time!!!!!!!!

Show just got out and barely anyone messaged me the whole time whoops! I think I’m about to get blindsided tbh this is too quiet lmaooo but Kait and I pushed Adrian so hopefully that’s it. If not then it’s been fun. This seems too easy so I’m not expecting much nnnn but if I’m here.... I’m goin for it

Im drinking more now. And im nervous who is leaving tonight. Hope the people im working with stay alive.

Good news! I won the past two challenges and have been safe! That is awesome. Even better news is I just searched Q10 and got a hit which means I’m near an idol :)

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I am drunk. And i miss havjng my drinkjng buddies in dani alyssa n jess. And havung jones be on call. I need to find some drinking buddies here to have more fun. Plus monty alyssa n johnny r doing amazing as hosts this seasob.

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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celestialallstars · 5 years

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Episode #8: “Au Revior Cyrena” - Mitch

I can’t believe I lost Alyssa....

So the blindside happened and I think it will just stick to me...I hate Alyssa went but at the same time I feel good knowing that I put something together to try to wreck what seemed like a growing alliance. And now I think they all will know by now but if I lose, I'm gonna lose knowing I tried to do things I wouldn't normally do and I just think it feels so like evil. I don't wanna be evil but what it takes to get to the end, I'll do it

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Chris just told me he wanted the S1 alliance that Mitch had floated ages ago but couldn’t remember if I was keen for it or not, so instead of asking me he just said fuck it and voted me. Bro cmon

The merge is finally upon us! And I couldn't be happier. I was in the minority on Orfeo so getting to re-unite with my closest allies after they pulled off the biggest blindsided of the season together is greeeeat!

Right now, it does really seem like there are 8 players all on the same wavelength. I don't think anyone in the group is very likely to flip at this point in time so hopefully it should be smooth sailing for awhile.

Of course, there are sure to be bumps along the way. I'm gonna keep prioritizing my own safety so I can sail these seas without being a target.

My strategy for the comp is to ask for a "crumb" or "nothing" from people I don't trust, so they can't try to sabotage me since they won't know what I'm going for or will think I'm throwing. And from people I trust, I'll ask for something negative without being specific.

So what's gonna happen tonight? Me Michael Matt and Drew sit around, panic, and hope it's not one of us. I feel like we're the 3 amigos (plus Michael Snow) in Caramoan going up against Stealth R Us, although I KNOW the 9 other ppl in this game aren't all aligned. But where are the cracks?? I just have no clue. I'm gonna have to do a lot of talking to people who I never got to be on a tribe with and hope somebody throws me a bone. Chloe? Loris? Stephen? We kept up a decent dialogue during one world. Matt is paranoid Bryce/Zach are running everything and tbh, I can definitely see it. But we can't do anything yet about that I don't think. I really hope Chris and Mitch pull me in on SOMETHING or this is gonna be an absolute bust. I really want Jared out he's so fucking snakey and I caught him in a fucking lie about voting Rhys but of course he had to go and win immunity. Not that he'd be voted yet I don't think. Man. This is just bad luck right? Surely? That 5/8 people voted out were my allies/tribemates and that everyone just stupidly targeted me/Alyssa when Cyrena is already depleted? They'd all have to be fucking morons to keep that up this time with us 4. They'd have to be. There is nothing remotely threatening about the 4 of us we have NO ONE. I just don't trust anyone on this cast to be intelligent at the moment, which is unfortunate.

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So I felt confident going in but now its like...if Im not careful this is just gonna blow up. By voting one of Michael/Drew/Chloe out, theyre gonna feel betrayed. Even though we do have a fair reason to do it theyre not gonna see it that way. If I do Matt then they could at least think of at least he didnt vote us. But I am beginning to think it is inevitable that its going to be shown that the Betty Whites rumor started from Loris but through me by proxy. Jack is waiting on a name to be told so lying to him creates another problem. Like dont get me wrong I trust the 8 more but I dont want to sideline my game for their goals. This may be messy

Woo ok ok ok so uh yea. THIS ROUND HAS BEEN WILD AND THERES NOT EVEN A NAME. Firstly rip alyssa she was robbed and her idol would be really nice to have right now but um she died dude. It feels so good to be so close to winning and actually getting POSITIVES. Now for the bad, this is the first time that I feel like o have no idea what the fuck to do I’m honestly stuck! But I never give up I came here to win I’ve waited too long to fucking play to give up when the going gets tough, I have no loyalties except to myself and if I have to snake everyone out to reach the top that’s what I’ll do.

So like ya I think I'm kinda fucked. If you're not gay or friends with a few select people , you're definitely on the outs and it's really annoying. I know my game is trash but still lemme be somewhat bitter for goodness sake! It's very clear anyone who was on cyrena 1.0/2.0 is in danger on the bottom, which is super dumb cause it's literally just circumstantial but hey I can't do anything bout it. I'm over these people and want to slap them out of the game. So fake and I'm just awaiting my death honestly.time to off myself!!!1!!1

4 hours till tribal and nobody’s heard anything hmmmm..... I’m gonna die!

AHHH! we merged! and the one person I was most fine with leaving left!! she was rlly nice tho... sorry alyssa :(. umm... so like this round is one of the two rounds I can play my legacy.. which is rlly scary because I’m gonna be even more paranoid now that I have an option to confirm my fate this tribal and potentially save myself.. But like if I need it now I’ll probably need it very soon and if I’m not playing to win what’s the point? So. I’m gonna save it. I’m gonna be the only player to have a legacy advantage, and I’m gonna have it for the entirety of the two seasons meaning it was never passed... woo! tribal is a mess but I think names are coming out and I’m not 13th? or at least I hope so

Sooooo a new alliance has been formed here on the Asteria Tribe. An 8 person alliance consisting of everyone outside of Betty White's influence.

(Me, Chris, Jared, Mitch, Bryce, Loris, Rhys, and Zach)

I think this might be the biggest alliance I've ever been in period? LOL

So we came up with a plan for this vote. It's a simple plan! Vote Drew, but say we're voting Matt so the other side wastes idols if they have them. Barring any other crazy advantages mixing in, I think it should be simple. There are some risks though.

This plan requires that I have trust in my 8 which is kind of essential anyway with such a large merge. If I don't have their trust, I don't have anything going forward. Still, it's a big risk no matter what.

I know Matt wants to get rid of me (I learned through Chris) tonight as well, and I've talked to Jack and he seems to obviously be on the same page. It's just about trust. I can't really blame them for sticking together. I wish they'd pick an Orfeo to target instead of me but it is what it is. I spent the last few rounds of pre-merge trying to set up this alliance and I'm not gonna flip on it for people who want me out tonight.

This could end up being my last confessional, though, and that's sad to think about. I've tried my best in this game and especially today to make sure my allies are all rock-solid. I wasn't able to keep the opposition from wanting me out though, which was a bit of a mistake but whatever.

Right now the vote seems to be on Matt and that’s unlikely to change so time to go with the majority woo.

About an hour until tribal and I still haven’t been approached by many people at all lol! Let’s see where this goes because I have a feeling this vote could flop super easily. Au Revior Cyrena because hopefully only one will be left after tonight

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Hehe YOIKES SO Stephen is now more of a tangible target to go home so either way I’m shaking out a player which is like mood but it’s time to play a game and if Stephen is not good for my game because he’s a big threat and I trust Matt more than he’s gone.

This cast is a bunch of cowards. Everyone has spent all day being too nervous to say a fucking name and now that there is names going around everyone’s just dipping in and out of being offline. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person right now presenting as active. But do I have a single person in my messages? DO I FUCK.

Here I was thinking maybe we'd have a shot, Chloe and Zach indicating they'd rather not vote out Matt while Chris and Mitch want to work with me. Now, 30 minutes before tribal, I find myself in the exact same spot as last time: a minority number confirmed from my allies, and people being shady about if they're with my plan or not. It shouldn't be me this time, hell I wouldn't be shocked though if they split 5-4-4. Anti-Cyrena is a fucking disease and these assholes need to be cleansed, but I just know in my gut Matt is going and only the 4 of us are voting Stephen. Fuck this noise man all star seasons suck

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I've also heard Stephen's name from Chloe so that makes me feel good because he is on the lower end of my priorities in my group if he is idoled out. Could be a diversion too. Anyways I still hope Drew goes.

Omg so I lied about us being able to get out Stephen I can’t believe I did that I’m so random ahah time to snake out matt sorry my Coventry love.

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Drew is voted out 8-3-2.

#episode #shinebright

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justscreamingnothing · 6 years

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Friends

What bothers me about the current state of my friendships is that I don’t really feel like I have anyone I’m very close to. I’m grateful for the friends I have but I just wish I had a really close group of friends I could completely be myself with. I love z** but theres a big part of my life that he just doesn’t know and he wont know because we don’t live close to each other and don’t really know certain parts of each others lives because of this. I wish we could be more involved in each others lives but theres just something about someone being so far away, I would feel like a burden if I had to contact him for something. Even like, emotional support or something. And then the irl friends I have are just too judgmental as people. Like ok, tbh they’ve helped me out in a lot of aspects, like getting a car or driving me around when I didn’t have a car, or that whole thing helping out my little brother with college stuff but I wish they weren’t so finnicky and judgmental, its almost like I’m trying to impress someone very important at every fucking turn. The dynamic of the “group” is actually really fucked up in general, we have alyssa, who is at the top by default because I was friends with her first and she is the one who assembled us (i guess?) so everyone always listens to her and does what she does. But for no reason! I don’t get it but its like everyone is always afraid to go against what she says or what she does or what she wants. Her bf is such a nice and sweet guy but GOD do I wish he’d just stand up for himself more, he follows her around like a little puppy dog and does literally ANYTHING she wants. He’s a great person and one of my closest friends but I wish he had more of a backbone. She could tell him to go to the keys and pick up some food from some restaurant she really wants because they make the food the way she likes it and he’d do it!! just like that!! Actually that reminds me of a real life situation where she made him go one town over to get a burger and they forgot her fries so she asked him to go back in 5pm traffic on the busy ass highway..... He did it but he called her halfway there asking if he could just go to mcdonalds to get her fries because the traffic was too crazy. That was like one of the first times he every stood up for himself and even then it wasn’t that like triumphant. And she had the AUDACITY to get mad at him because he wouldn’t go back for the fries... Another friend of ours is mainly her friend, like we wouldn’t talk if she hadn’t kept in contact with him but we don’t really go out with him too often. He’s also sweet and fun, there’s just that same disconnect there because I don’t talk to him much and there are details of his life I don’t know. I’m glad he’s his own person though, he has an entire life outside of us and while like obviously he does because why wouldn’t he, it makes me happy.

I guess one of her biggest problems is that she truly does believe the world revolves around her. And honestly? The people she keeps around help support her theory because they constantly kiss her ass. Except her mother who just chooses to be emotionally manipulative sometimes but everyone else is literally up her ass and when someone challenges that she has a break down. It’s kind of ridiculous to see how she interacts with the world and to examine all the things she does for attention. She had this friend one time that was like a cool normal girl and something happened so they stopped talking and she made a big deal out of it saying that the girl did all this shit (that honestly I can’t remember) but despite all that to this day I am convinced that the other girl was in the right and probably better off not being friends with her anymore. I’m honestly relieved that she moved away because I literally cannot imagine having her here all the time. Even when we hung out last night there were just parts of it that were stressful. Like, why can’t I have a group of friends that like to have fun and sing in the car instead of ones that constantly tease and put you down? Its just a song, fucking relax and sing along theres no need to be like “ugh -_- are you really doing this right now?” Youre not cool funny or smart... fucking drop the act. In general I would just like to be around people that support me, not just tolerate me. That’s how it feels I guess, that people are tolerating me. It’s uncomfortable and sad and I just want a few friends I can be emotionally open with. The group I have now, we’ve known each other a while and in a way, we are really close, but there are certain things I won’t bring up because I know that they’ll either 1. tease me about it when what I need is reassurance 2. not have empathy 3. not even try to sympathize. That’s so awful! I feel like I try to be a good friend and I’m not seeing that reflected back to me.

It’s lame to see people be like “i made this one mistake years ago and if that ONE THING wouldn’t have happened my life would be completely different and perfect:(” because there’s a lot more to life than that but I wish I never would have become friends with this girl. I truly don’t know what my life would look like because its not like it would have changed where I went to college or anything but maybe I would have made different friends and been a happier person. You never know, maybe I wouldn’t have made any other friends and I’d be miserable right now but I think I would have been better off as far as my self esteem goes. I don’t know why I never had the confidence in high school to just stop being this girls friend because obviously she’s a very self absorbed, jealous, and judgmental person and that’s never good to be around but I really should have just said “wow you’re not that great... i’m gonna stop hanging out with you, bye!” I think it speaks more about me and my incessant need to be liked by everyone and be perceived as a likable and cool person that I kept holding on to this friendship. I think that’s a prime piece of advice I’d give my past self, just be genuine and confident and hang out with people who will give you what you give them. In terms of my self esteem, I don’t know how I’d feel if we weren’t friends but being friends with this girl for such a long time was definitely not good for me. I seriously get so pissed off just thinking about all the shit she gives me and other people when they don’t fit her definition of “good” or “normal” oh- and you can’t tell her nothing!! Another awful trait about her is that you legitimately can’t have a conversation with her about her flaws because she’d do what she does best- deny, deny, deny. She would literally just refuse to listen, which she’s done before. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who have to be right all the time, and that’s this girl. She can never be wrong and you can never go against what she’s saying. She is convinced that every word out of her mouth is one hundred percent right and her mind won’t change unless you can provide at least three pieces of concrete solid evidence. One time she told everyone that 75% of homeless people have a mental disability... when I told her that there’s no way thats true not only did she not believe me but she actually got mad at me... I looked it up on my phone, proved her wrong, and then she completely ignored it and me for like a few hours. Who does that?? Just admit you’re wrong! It’s that simple! It’s really not gonna be as embarrassing as you think! And even if it is WHO THE FUCK CARES?? This was the day after she kept trying to wake me up in the car while wee were taking a long drive with the rest of the group because she thought it’d be funny even though I had just worked an 8 hour shift and I was trying to get some rest. God forbid someone ever try to wake HER up, she’d have a fucking fit and ruin the rest of the trip for everyone by being a bossy bitch (well bossiER and bitchiER) and no one would be able to tell her anything about it because again- they all kiss her ass. But when it’s me its fine to keep trying to wake me up to be funny?

I can’t believe this turned into a long ass rant about this girl but our relationship is so toxic and awful and I just can’t seem to fucking shake her so I guess I have a lot of feelings. It might also have to do with the fact that last night I had a dream that I told her off and just went in on her on what a horrible person she is sometimes and she took it relatively well. She didn’t like fake a panic attack or insult me therefore completely missing the point or anything. Now that I’m typing it out it sucks to see what I expect from her. And she’s given me no reason NOT to expect shit like this from her. It’s funny to think I thought I missed her a few months ago. I was like legit sad because something happened and I just wanted someone to talk to but then I realized- I just wanted a friend. Not her specifically, but a best friend in general. I want someone to be completely vulnerable with, someone that I’m not afraid to talk to, to show all my sides to because I know they will take me seriously. Someone who’ll listen when I talk, which I am sorely lacking. I guess the best listener I have in my life right now is my little brother and he has his own life and friends and he’ll be going off to college soon so that’s a bust. I’ so grateful for the time I have with him but I need someone who’ll be there for me. I guess that’s why I’m so into the idea of moving because I’m so convinced it’ll solve my problems and even if it doesn’t it’ll at least be a change of pace and some desperately needed time away from my parents. That’s something little miss queen got to do- move away from her old life completely and go somewhere that not only is she alone but she doesn’t have to worry about how people perceive her because she can just pretend she’s someone else (she does that sometimes) and her dumbfuck little sugar daddy is paying for it all (as well as school loans- because THAT’S a good idea!) they’re both dumbfucks I guess so it’s fitting. I’m not jealous of her life but I am a little jealous she was able to do all of that so quickly. Don’t get me wrong, she’s making a lot of astronomically stupid financial decisions but sometimes I do wish I could just run away and leave it all behind also.

The thing is I got a taste of what that would be like when I left the country and it breaks my heart that I’m no longer friends with the girls I roomed with. We got so close on that trip- it really felt like we could talk about anything, we would talk and talk and talk all day and not get tired of each other. And the best part was that they had no preconceived notion of who I was. No one “expected” me to act a certain way (giant pet peeve!) and everyone took me seriously because they had no reason not to. Because that’s just how you’re supposed to treat people. They didn’t laugh at me or brush off what I was saying or blatantly not respond when I was talking to them- we just interacted as people and you know what? Now that I think about it from what I’ve gathered they told me I was really nice and funny and was able to make friends easily so I think that’s how I come off when no one knows me because they don’t already expect me to act a certain way. It’s such a relief too. I can say what I want to say and I act and react the way I want to without fear of repercussion, without fear of being made fun of or ignored. GOD I was in such a bad place with my friends!! Why have I supported this for so many years? Its not 100% like this now but for a while I really felt so small, so afraid to speak up for myself in my LITERAL GROUP OF FRIENDS. The ones you’re supposed to be able to trust the most!!! I’m glad I’ve stepped away a little and even though I’ve been a little lonely typing this all out has reminded me that I’m making the right decision. I’m just ready to make a new life with people I can trust and be completely comfortable with.

I’m a fully formed person- I have opinions and ideas and flaws and quirks and attributes. I’m not afraid of being wrong or not knowing. I’m not afraid of being honest and genuine. I like to help people, to be nice, and to crack jokes. I like it when other people are happy. I wish everyone in the world was good and kind and compassionate and that we could all be happy all the time. I wish people lived as good as I do, I wish I lived better than I do. I can’t take it when the news are sad or when a character dies on tv. I don’t like watching things that are too emotionally heavy for fear it’ll make me sad. I wish I could be more than what I am. But here I am. Fully formed, heart full, head spinning, fingers crossed, nerves on end, smiling wide. I wish everything and everyone was good and we could all just do what we love while we live on and cherish God’s green Earth. That’s not the way it is but that’s the way it should be. Here I am, existing at this point in time in the intersection of all of these identities. I don’t know what will happen but all I can do is try my best. Try my best to succeed, to love, to be kind, to not be judgmental, to listen, to laugh, to learn, to continue to exist. Because I am a fully formed person, and I deserve love.

#og post

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