#love an index | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

samkerrworshipper · 3 months

Text

scars and all

leah williamson x reader

warnings: alluding to previous suicide attempt and depression

Waking up next to somebody was to you, the best feeling in the world.

The feeling of fresh sheets, the warmth of sun peaking out behind the blinds, skin against skin, the scent of another persons body, the memories of the night beforehand.

You flipped over onto your stomach to reach for your phone, 7am, you still had a few more hours before you had to be anywhere.

You were about to roll over, when you felt the rustling of the sheets behind you, then a arm wrapping around your waist.

“Come back.”

You rolled your eyes at the neediness of Leah and her insistence to have you as her personal heater inside of her bed.

She clawed her way on top of you, her body making it’s way into the grooves of yours.

“What’s the time?”

This was your favourite part of the day, getting to simply co-exist with Leah, without any expectations of what you were supposed to be doing.

“Five past seven.”

Leah’s body relaxed on top of your own, leaving you to melt into the mattress.

Leah’s lips on your shoulder was purely magical, it made all of the warmth and joy set in properly.

“I just want to stay here forever.”

You shared Leah’s sentiment, there was nothing you wanted more in the world then to just stay right here, right in this moment, for the rest of your life.

“Technically we could, quit football and spend the rest of our lives in bed.”

Of course you realistically couldn’t, but manifestation existed for a reason, right?

“I like how you think baby.”

The feeling of Leah’s breath against the nape of your neck, warm and magnificently ticklish was perfect, it encapsulated everything good about your life.

Leah’s lips against your neck sealed it all up.

Her lips trailed along your neck, her hips slightly dragging into the back of your thighs as she began to move her lips upwards and around to the left side of your neck, creeping her way up diagonally. It was torturously slow, something that you liked about these kinds of mornings, there was no rush. The both of you could take as long as time allowed.

Leah’s lips were delicate, practised in the art of working against your skin from months of life looking just like this.

Making the decision to move in together after 6 months dating was a big jump, but with your lease coming to an end and the annoyance of packing bags for days spent at eachothers houses, it just made sense.

It was moments like these that made it all worth it.

You were at Leah’s mercy as she worked her lips higher and higher, slowly getting closer to your ear, until it stopped.

Leah’s lips completely removed themselves from your neck, leaving you strung out in a way you were less than pleased about.

You tried to roll over, but Leah’s hands on your back stopped you.

You were about to ask what was the cause of her abrupt stop, but a hand hovering behind your ear stopped you from saying anything.

Leah’s hand was tracing, tracing the ridges and lines of the piece of ink that you had nestled directly behind your ear cartilage.

Your breath caught, realising what exactly had caused Leah to stop.

The floaty morning daze was gone as quickly as all of the blood rushing from your face.

All the oxygen in your lungs had been ripped away, and suddenly you felt so violently sick to your stomach.

“I didn’t know you had a tattoo back here.”

Leah sounds just as out of breath as you feel.

“I have lots of tattoos, le.”

You finally managed to pluck up the strength to flip yourself over, if not to hide the part of you back away then for the sake of being able to rush to the toilet bowl if the sickness in your stomach started to rise up your throat.

Leah’s brows were wrinkled deep into her forehead in the way that they always were when she was deep in thought.

“It’s a semi-colon.”

There were tears in the corners of both of your eyes, not that either of you would ever acknowledge it.

“It’s just a tattoo.”

You felt like you were being strangled by this whole situation.

Leah had seen you in a deeper way then anybody else had, but you weren’t ready for this kind of deep. It felt like you were being stripped open in front of her, and sure, in a literal sense you were naked before her, but it felt so much more exposing then that. Like you could be fully clothed, and yet this situation would still feel more confronting than anything you’d ever experienced.

“No it’s not.”

You loved leah, but she could be blunt to a fault at certain times, and you knew this would be one of those times.

“I don’t want to talk about it Leah.”

Before you could really think about it, you were shoving the rest of her off of you, clambering out of the bed and trying to piece together the clothes on the floor that belonged to you on the way to the bathroom.

Unsurprisingly, Leah followed you.

You made it to the sink, just as she crossed into the ensuite behind you.

Leah’s t-shirt was hanging off of your shoulders, she wasn’t much taller than you, but the few inches made her already over-sized top seem like a dress on you.

“Does Kyra know?”

You reached for your toothbrush.

“About the tattoo, no. About the context, somewhat.”

You reached for the toothpaste but Leah’s hand on your wrist stopped you.

“What’s the context?”

The pressure in your stomach and chest only escalated.

“Not something I feel like talking about.”

You tried to turn away but Leah held you still.

“I feel like we do need to talk about it, people don’t get semi-colon tattoos, for fun, it’s-it’s got a meaning and you’re not denying that.”

You did your best to not run away, how you always did when this happened. You tried to bring your therapists voice to the front of your mind, telling you to take deep breaths.

“Leah, I’ve said that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s none of your business.”

In leah’s defence, you knew that you were being unfair. She;d just been handed a bomb, and had no idea what to do with it.

You tried to turn around for the third time, but Leah’s hand stopped you again. You were ready to yell at her, but the softening of her facial expressions stopped you.

“You’re okay though, right now, you’re okay, right?”

Another deep breath, a squeeze of Leah’s hand.

“A part from the fact that I have shocking morning breath, yes Leah, I’m okay, I’m good, I’m happy. I’m in a good place with you, but I’m not in a place to talk about it right now, okay?”

Leah bit down on the inside of her cheek, but nodded at you, the dopey smile from earlier returning to her face.

“How about we make the most of our free time then?”

There she was, the same Leah back, all of the pressure and sickness finally lifted and you could feel the smile returning to your face.

“Can I brush my teeth before you try and jump back into my pants?”

Leah’s hand on your hips, backing you up toward the shower told you your answer.

“I love your morning breath so much though.”

Her hands were already tugging at the shirt that you’d only just put on.

“That’s a lie, and I really don’t like yours.”

She feigned a pout, but didn’t stop her campaign towards the shower.

“Too bad.”

—————————————————————

Leah surprisingly dropped the subject completely, something that didn’t sit completely right with you, considering just how well your girlfriend was known for being the biggest micro-manager known to man.

It was every bit of a normal night for the two of you, cuddled up on the couch, Leah working on her sudoku app and you scrolling mindlessly through your phone when a memory popped up.

As soon as the picture pulled itself up on your screen your whole body went rigid.

It was a pixely picture, from so many years ago that you couldn’t count, but the theme and overall contents of the photo was easy to figure out.

The same way you had a few weeks ago, you felt all of the blood draining from your face, rushing through your ears, and all of the oxygen leaving your lungs.

It was from so many years ago, you’d almost forgotten about it.

Almost.

You did a double take as you took it in, hardly even knowing that this picture existed on your phone.

Leah clocked onto your stone like body, peering over your shoulder to look at whatever it was that had put you so on edge.

She had expected some kind of weird rumour, or picture, or slander.

Not that.

You tried to think back to that point in your life, but not much came up, your late teen years were such a blur, you hardly remembered any of it, and yet there was a photo in front of you that told you so much more than any memory could.

You couldn’t have been any younger than 16, most likely 17.

The photo was of you, sitting in a ER room that you couldn’t pin down the location of, your stick like arms bandaged so tight that it was hard to tell where the bandages stopped and your skin started.

God you looked so much younger than somebody at 17 should, so small, so scared, so much more broken.

“Is that you?”

Leah’s voice distracted you from your spiral, pulling you back to reality.

“Yeah.”

You felt so deflated, and your voice sounded the same.

It was funny, after spending years of your life trying to push these demons away, that they were still haunting you, in the weirdest ways.

“God you look so young.”

Leah’s head resting on your shoulder was both stressful and calming.

On one hand, you were terrified about Leah seeing something like this, considering how hard you’d tried to hide these kinds of parts of your past from her.

On another hand, you were kind of glad the hiding was over.

“I think I’m 17, maybe 16 in this, just before I moved in with Kyra.”

Just after your whole childhood went to shit.

“You look so much younger.”

Leah knew a lot about your past, that you moved in with Kyra because of your abusive fuckhead parents. She’d been with you for anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, she’d seen a lot.

But not this.

Not this part of you that you’d tried to hide so desperately.

“Yeah I was pretty depressed then. I was couch surfing at friends houses, whilst trying to play professional football and do school. It all got too much, and I didn’t really want to be alive anymore.”

It took so much energy to say those final few words, to admit it.

You knew it, you’d lived through it, but it didn’t make it any easier to say it out loud, especially considering how long it had been.

You could feel Leah taking deep breaths, like she was trying to hold something back.

“I think Kyra took it, to send to my parents as a fuck you kind of thing. She was so mad, especially because it had gotten so bad. I think I spent a week in a in-patient, and by the time I was out I was moved in with her and her parents.”

Leah nodded into your shoulder.

“I didn’t even know I had it, I didn’t even know this picture existed. I don’t know how I feel about it.”

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

“That’s okay, it’s okay to not want to think about parts of your past, especially if you feel like you’ve moved on from them.”

Leah was saying all of the right things, it was like a reset button for your brain.

“I have moved on, i’m doing so much better, i just wasn’t prepared to be thinking about this.”

You turned yourself around, looking at Leah, eye to eye.

“It’s okay, take some deep breaths. You’re not there anymore, you’re here, you’re safe, nobody is going to hurt you, I’d kill your parents before they ever hurt you again. I love you baby, scars and all, all of the your past, I love it and you.”

You nodded at her, you didn’t doubt that she was being honest, especially with the fire in her eyes.

“I don’t want that part of me anymore.”

Leah nodded, her hands sitting in your lap, on top of your own.

“I know, it’s okay to feel that way. We all have bygones from our past that we want to throw underneath our bed and leave in the darkness forever. What matters it that you’re okay now, not back then, now, in this moment. You’re better, you are happy now, you’re happy here, we’re happy, that’s all that matters. You’re home.”

You nodded, collapsing forward into Leah’s chest.

“I’m happy here.”

Leah arms wrapped around your waist.

“We’re happy here, we’re okay, you’re alive and I’m so grateful for it, everyone is, you make my world a better place baby, and that’s all that matters.”

553 notes · View notes