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hirayaaraw · 2 months

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Still In This Holy Ground

Tags: Friends to lovers to exes to lovers; idol!Seungcheol x reader

Note: Seungcheol is the ex that makes you wonder if you will love and be loved again in the same way when you were with him.

Songs to listen:

Holy Ground - Taylor Swift BBC Live Lounge

Death by Thousand Cuts - Taylor Swift

His Car Isn't Yours - WENDY

They say that healing journey does not have a definite timeline. One day after you and Seungcheol broke up, the mug he used still on your dining table. You didn't know that would be the last coffee you will make for him.

One week after the break up, you went home happily with your favorite chinese take out only to cry on the floor of your apartment. You realized that you will be spending all weekends alone. Seungcheol will not be joining you anymore to watch the latest episode of transit love. You took the chinese take out and gave it to the guard. You swear to never buying from that chinese restaurant even if they have the best orange chicken.

One month after the break up, your friends are urging you to go out and have fun. You never showed them that you are suffering but they know you still cry yourself to sleep. You cry even more when you realize his smell on your pillowcase already faded. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit but you think you will never be used to waking up without his good morning message.

"There are plenty of men out there."

You just nod and smile whenever they say it. Plenty of men but they are not Seungcheol. No one bring warmth just like him. He holds your hand when you look anxious or nervous. He never forgets to buy your favorite tea when you are running low and too busy to buy grocery. Despite being busy, he makes sure to meet you every weekend. If he comes to your apartment late and you are already sleeping, he will sleep besides you and waits for you to wake up before leaving.

Dating Seungcheol is the best decision you made. Friends and family doubted your relationship due to his profession. Your younger sister's boyfriend is always present at family function. This was not an issue for you but relatives make rumors about his absence. How he might be ashamed of you or he might be dating someone industry and you are just a side piece. You will just smile at them and brush away the rumors. It is not because his schedule can't cater the family events. You just don't want him to enter the chaos. It is already enough that he listens to your laments.

You met him during college. You sat in the front row while he sat near the door at the back. Seungcheol has a perfect attendance for the whole semester despite having music shows and practice. However, on the next semester their world tour started, he misses some class. When he attends the class, Seungcheol is obviously sleepy.

You never interacted with him nor made a fuss about having an idol classmate. One day, Seungcheol approached you if he can copy your notes for the two lectures he missed. You didn't hesitate and gave your notebook so he can take picture of it. However, Seungcheol sheepishly asked if he can take it to library to photocopy. He rambled that he does not like his notes on his phone. Seungcheol claimed that he likes it hard copy. You just nodded at him and told him to give it back within the day. Seungcheol gave you his first of his thousands smile to you and returned your notebook later that day with a cup of coffee.

"Thanks for the notes." He said handing your notebook and a cup of iced americano. "Coffee for you."

"Thanks for giving back my notebook." You said and gave him a small smile. You don't drink the coffee but you take it as courtesy. Something about his eyes and the way he smiles that make saying no to him hard.

You thought that would be the first and last interaction but he added you on facebook. Since then Seungcheol will ask you about notes, announcements, or anything he missed when he is out and being an idol. Facebook messages turn into Seungcheol tagging along with you when you rot yourself in the library. One time, he answered his phone beside you and told someone that he is in library with a friend.

"Since when did we become a friend?" You raised your eyebrow that made him flustered.

"Since when you lend your notes, Ma'am." He smiled and leaned on the table.

"You just want my notes. I figured it out." You rolled your eyes to tease him.

"And the owner of the notes." Seungcheol said that made you hold your breath. You smiled and went back to reading your notes. If you did not look away, you are sure that you will be taken away by this man.

Facebook messaged became phonecalls. It started when you missed 3 school days in a row. You got admitted to a hospital for viral infection and bronchitis. A simple cough and sore throat became worse over the weekend. Your mom travelled to the city when you cried over the phone and took you to the hospital.

It was on the 3rd day when your phone rang. You picked up your phone without looking on it.

"Where are you? Are you okay?" You need to look at your phone just to make sure it is Seungcheol. His voice is full of worry.

"Hey. I'm in the hospital. You can ask Christine for her note--"

"Which hospital?" He did not let you finish your sentence. His voice have a sense of urgency. You blurted out the name of the hospital. He said something you did not understand before saying bye.

30 minutes later someone is knocking in your hospital room then you are now introducing Seungcheol to your mom. He brought lecture notes and share to you then peeled oranges for you. Seungcheol visits you everyday until you were discharged.

Whenever he is near, it feels hard for you to breathe. You thought this was an aftereffect of your hospitalization. But you realized that it only happens whenever Seungcheol is near. Everytime Seungcheol is around, he makes your heart beats faster. You thought this only happens in 90s romcom movies. You hate how Seungcheol is now a focal focus of your everyday life. You wait for his messages and anticipated his arrival at university.

It is a futile move to hope for something so throughout college you love him silently. Everyday you remind yourself that you are just a college girl Seungcheol made friends with because he needs someone in university. You remind yourself that you are just a fraction of his grand life. This is how you broke your own heart for thw first time while Seungcheol is slowly trying to make you feel how his whole world is revolving around you.

You enjoyed every moment with him because you knew that once graduation came, it will be a goodbye. On the graduation day, you congratulated him. In return, he hugged you tight. You wanted to cry as you melt in his arms.

"Thank you for letting me annoy you for the past 4 years." You laughed in his ears.

"No worries, Seungcheol. Anytime." You said before pulling away and saying bye. You started walking away but you stopped and turned around. Seungcheol still standing and watching you. It's now or never. Just like at the ending of a 90s romcom, you run back towards him.

Everything is just a background noise and time slowed down for you and him. You have nothing to lose. Seungcheol is smiling widely at you. This is the first time you did not act guarded. When you are standing in front of him, you exhaled loudly.

"Choi Seungcheol" Seungcheol frowned and pouted. He told you before that he hates how people call him in his full name. You smiled at his reaction. "We might never meet again. I just need to let this out or I will be miserable for keeping this secret for the longest time. So here goes nothing. I like you."

Seungcheol eyes widened when you said those words. You laughed at his reaction. You did not wait for his response and run away towards the parking lot where your parents are waiting for you.

Your dad started driving to the restaurant he reserved to celebrate your graduation when your phone rang. It was Seungcheol. You bit your lips and shake your head before answering his call.

"Where are you? I'm at the parking lot. Your dad still drives a red hyundai, right?"

"We already left, Seungcheol." You heard him sigh.

"You can't just say you like me and leave like that."

"I just did." You pointed out that made him sigh again. You can see him sulking. "I need to hang up. See you when I see you."

Which you know it will be hard.

"Which restaurant are you going?" You humor him by telling the name of the place. There is no way he will go to your graduation dinner. He has an appearance to a local radio show in the evening. He ended the call which made you frown. You keep your phone in your bag as you enter the restaurant.

You were enjoying the dinner when a familiar face entered. To your horror, it was Seungcheol waving at you. You looked around the restaurant before standing and dragging him in the corner.

"Who says we will never meet again?" Seungcheol said grinning at you. He held your hand that made you look around and you pull your hand away. Afraid someone might see you and him.

"What are you doing?"

"I should have said this instead of keeping this for the longest time." He sighed looking at your hand then to you. "I am running late to my appointment but I need to tell you this. I like you. No. I love you for the longest time. I look forward going to classes because of you. You gave me another reason to push through."

You found yourself clutching to your necklace. You did not expect hearing those words from him. Love is a big word and he said it so naturally for you. You saw someone entered the restaurant and waved at Seungcheol. He needs to go.

Later that night, Seungcheol called you to talk about the two of you. Once his schedule is cleared, he visited you at your hometown. That's how you went from having him as your classmate, your friend, to your boyfriend.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. Breaking up is an easy way out. Adulting made the difference between your world and his world clearer. You have bills to pay. The eldest daughter who is slowly taking the breadwinner role as your parents heading to retirement. Pressuring you to do all things so your whole family climb the social ladder. You are in your mid 20s but your fire is already dying.

Seungcheol is nothing short of a great boyfriend. But life made it hard for you to love. You decided to take further studies for greater chances of promotion and taking side job. Seventeen started to pursue the western side of the world. You see him on the tv more than you see him in person.

It didn't take more time for you see him as stranger. It is like when you were back in your college days before he asks for your notes. He is back into being an idol you casually know. You can't see where the relationship is going anymore. You started feeling alone in life. To you, it is obvious where this is heading.

They said never decide when you are tired, hungry, or sleep deprived because you are prone to make bad deicison. A bad day at work, a screaming session with you mom, and rescheduled date. You can only endure so much. Seungcheol found you crying on your sofa. He went immediately to you after the extended practice.

You are tired of everyone and everything. You are crumbling gradually. No one can fix you. The mess that you have and you made. Not even Seungcheol's hug can mend you. You held his hand tightly as you cry. You don't know how to tell this to him. This is harder than confessing your love for him.

"Cheol, I think...we should stop." You wipe your tears. Seungcheol nodded as if he is expecting this and trying to understand you.

"I've been a bad boyfriend these past few months." You shook your head in protest. You wanted to say something but all you can do is cry. He took you in his arms and let you rest on his chest. "I'm sorry for hurting you...for not being with you."

He calmed you down and tucked you to your bed. Seungcheol hummed a song while watching you fall asleep. You woke up the next day with his mug on your bed side table. No text or whatsoever. He is scared to hurt you further. And that is how 4 years of friendship and 3 years of relationship went down the drain.

Three months after the break up, you unfriended him on facebook, unfollowed him on instagram, and put Seventeen and his name on muted words on twitter. But you still can't escape him. His face is on billboards and television program. It is like the universe telling you what you lost.

Your life got better. You were promoted. You made your parents happy but your heart? It never got better. You are just functioning and not living.

Fourth month without Seungcheol in your life, you started to put away his things and anything that reminds you of him. You smiled when you see a polaroid of him. You are still aching but you are thankful that a relationship with him happened. One of the best years of your life.

Fifth month after the break up, your lease contract ended. You decided to move out and search for an apartment nearer to your work. Just when you thought it did not hurt anymore, you cried while you are packing. It is like finally saying goodbye to the last piece that reminds you of him. This one bed room apartment witnessed all the sleepover, date nights, and lazy mornings. You will never dance in the middle of this tiny apartment with him. It's the end of an era.

Sixth month since you decided to end it with Seungcheol, you agreed to go on a blind date set up by your friend. John is a nice guy. He always reply. He shows up on time. But something felt amiss. You don't want to be unfair to him. On the third date, you decided to tell that you want him as friend and nothing more. That night you went to bed wondering if you will fall in love again the way you fell for Seungcheol.

It was the end of the month. The rain is pouring hard. You run towards your new apartment drench in the rain. Ten steps away from your door when you saw someone at your front door. You thought you are a hallucinating.

"What the hell?" You said it a bit too loud. Seungcheol turned his head to you. You walked faster and unlocked your door to let him in.

"Your mom gave me your address." He said following you inside. Of course, your mom gave it to him. You went to your bathroom to get some towels for the both of you.

"Are you here for your things?" You gave the towel to him then went to the kitchen to prepare coffee for him. You observe him from your periphery. He bulked up a bit. His wet black shirt is hugging his body. His hair a bit longer and black. It suits him. He took the break up better you thought. "I already pack it a month ago. I just need to find where I put the box."

Seungcheol is just looking at you. When you serve the coffee, you went to your room without looking at him. Meeting your worst enemy is better than seeing the ex you yearn for. You can't believe Seungcheol is in your new apartment. It is like your past and present colliding. The present that doesn't have him in it. You don't want to look affectes but when you found the box at the bottom of your cabinet. You smiled painfully. The last piece that reminds him of you.

You went out of your room. Seungcheol is sitting at your kitchen counter. His back facing. You wanted to hug him but you know he is not yours anymore. You watch him drink the coffee you made. You are not sure if you still got the taste he wanted right. Few days ago, you bought coffee beans on your grocery run. When you are sorting the items, you laugh upon seeing the coffee beans because you only buy it because Seungcheol like coffee.

You approach him and place the box at the kitchen counter.

"Let me know if there is something missing. I will try to find it." You said. Still not looking at him. Afraid that you might fell apart. Months of healing and trying to forget him all went down the drain. You already know that you will be crying your sleep once he leave.

When you heard Seungcheol open the box, you steal glances of him. You saw how he carefully touch the fabric of his sweater you always wear. There is a small smile forming on his lips. His signature dimple is showing.

"You got a nice apartment. It's great that you find a walking distance place near your work." Seungcheol knew your struggle travelling to your work specially when you work over time.

"The timing aligned. I was planning to renew the contract on my previous place but this apartment popped up on the listing." You looked straight at his eyes briefly. He nodded while listening to you. Seungcheol is still attentive as ever. It has been months since you have someone to listen to you and look at you like you are the only person in the room.

You smiled in an attempt to keep your tears at bay. You don't know how long he will be around. He doesn't have any reason to stay longer. In the end, you hurted both of you. But you needed that break up to breathe from everything.

"Congratulations for the successful tour and new album." Despite putting every word on mute, unfollowing the boys, and unfriending him, news about them still reach you. Every news about them breaking a record makes your heart swell in pride. You used to pre-order every album release and stream their songs while working. You were Seungcheol's number 1 fan and believer. You were and will always be his fan.

"Thank you." Seungcheol smiled to you. Your heart ached. The whole room is filled with unspoken words. "I heard from your mom you got promoted. Congratulations! I told you...you will get the promotion."

"Yeah...I guess you are right." You chuckled with your eyes getting visibly shining in tears. You got what you wanted but at what cost. You bit your lips thinking that will stop the tears from falling. Seungcheol saw the first tear fell. "I'm sorry."

That's all you said and turned around but Seungcheol did what he wanted to do since the first time he saw you again. He pulled you into his arms where you belong.

"Last time I saw you, you were crying." Seungcheol said each words with a shaky voice. "And now you are still crying. Did I hurt you that much? I'm sorry."

You shook your head. Seungcheol caress your hair and you grip on his clothes like it is your lifeline. "Seungcheol, I am sorry. I hurted you. I got lost. I can't understand myself. I feel like drowning and the only way out I know is to break away from you."

"I understand." Seungcheol said that made you pull away and look at him. He wiped your tears.

"How can you be so kind? I hurted you. Be angry at me. I broke up with you in a snap."

"I can't." Seungcheol shook his head. Tears falling on his face. "I am angry at myself because I let you take everything and lose yourself. I am angry that I made you feel alone in this relationship. I am angry that I made life get in between us."

"I don't want this anymore." You took his hand and rest your head on his chest. The fort you held on these past few months came crumbling down. "Six months. Six months of hell, Cheol. I don't want any of this. I don't want to go on this life without you."

"You have no idea how much I miss you and want you back. I just don't know if you still want me."

"I still want you."

"Good to hear that because I am not here to get my things back." You raised your eyebrows while he smirk at you. "I'm here to take you back."

"You are such a sly man."

You both laughed. Eyes still red because of crying but lips are smiling wide. Some say that sometimes people break up or part ways to find themselves and eventually find their way back to each other. An ample amount of time to heal and be better person for each other. Once you found each other again, never let go. Not everyone will be given a second chance.

#kpop scenarios #seventeen scenarios #seventeen angst #seventeen fluff #seventeen imagines #seventeen fic #choi seungcheol #seventeen seungcheol #seungcheol angst #seungcheol fluff #scoups #seungcheol x oc #seungcheol x reader

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eveningepiphany · 1 year

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Mistletoe | H.S

summary: you’re with the band at anne’s house the week of christmas and harry points out you’re both standing under a mistletoe.

warnings: swearing, friends to lovers, kissing, soft harry, suggestive sexual material (no smut, but part two does have!)

a/n: this was originally not going to have any sexual stuff in it but I couldn’t help myself. I also think I’m gonna write a few christmassy imagines because they are absolutely adorable and I love the vibe they have. <3

part two!!

merry christmas everyone x

———

Giggles from all the boys echoed across the lounge.

Cups of cocoa were held in everyone’s hands, blankets draped over us in bunches. Christmas was only 5 days away— life was good.

“‘M nearly out of hot chocolate.” Harry pouts from your left.

A Christmas movie made quiet background noise, and Anne chuckled from across the couch.

“You’re a whiner,” she teased, standing up from where she sat.

She was sporting a green Christmas sweater, “Well, early morning for us, don’t forget.”

She was definitely headed off to bed, and everyone had to be up and ready to get on the road to the BBC breakfast morning show you had. Practically a One Direction pre-Christmas special, since it was still 5 days till Christmas.

You and the boys— well expect for Harry, who’d drive back here with Anne— are flying home for your Christmas break after that.

“Yea, think I’m gonna rack down s’well.” Liam says, pushing from the mound of blankets he was under.

And once one of you cave, the rest usually follow suit, specially knowing you had to be driving the hour and a half to BBC, meaning you had to be up early. You’re expected there at 6:30am and ready to preform by 8:00am.

Everyone starts to disperse from the living room, the TV and Christmas lights getting flicked off, cups finding there way into the dishwasher.

Harry is brushing his teeth in the bathroom when you enter to do the same.

He gives you a smile, his pearly teeth peeking through the foam.

You put your toiletries on the bathroom bench, pulling out your toothbrush, layering some toothpaste on it.

You both dance in the mirror, laughter muffled by a mouthful of toothpaste.

He’s in a red Christmas sweater— which is admittedly too cute for you not to fluster a little at the sight.

You’d figured being so close allowed you room for such feelings to linger, even though you never really know where the line was with them.

Where exactly the platonic feelings bleed into romantic ones— and how normal it actually was.

He was easily one of your best friends, so you try not to entertain these thoughts.

He makes that difficult.

Once you’re both done brushing your teeth, he is eyeing your hair.

It’s let loose, and he wastes not a second longer before sinking his fingers into it.

He combs through it with his hands, tongue darting out the corner of his pink lips as he plaits it at the back.

“What are you doing?” You laugh.

“Pass me a hair tie.” He states.

You truffle through your travel bag, finding one at the very bottom.

He loops it around the end of his work, with a proud little smile on his face.

“Gotta keep it in, mkay?”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Harry.” You roll your eyes with a grin.

He follows you out the bathroom, and you’re both headed the same way.

“It will! You wouldn’t want me to be tired tomorrow would you?”

“Tired and grumpy.” You add, knowing how he gets in the morning, like he’s got the world on his shoulders.

“‘M not grumpy! You’re grumpy.” He huffs.

“You both are!” Niall calls from the spare room he’s staying in with Liam.

“Shut up Niall.” You both say in sync, laughing as you run up the stairs.

You were taking Gemma’s old room, which had since been converted into a spare room now she’s moved out for college.

Harry was staying in his room, which you’re sure he’s enjoying being back in his own bed for a bit.

Anne’s room was the only other bedroom up here, down the other end of the hall.

“Woah—“ you say, coming to a stop as you see the window overlooking the town lights.

It’s down Harrys side of the upstairs living space, and you find yourself walking straight over to look out.

There’s a small reindeer shaped lamp that’s turned on, lighting part of the area up with a dim bit warm glow.

“You can see the Christmas lights in town from here.” You point out, a small smile on your face.

You both stand and look out, comfortable silence enveloping you. Even though it’s not your home, you feel at home.

Maybe it’s Harry’s presence, or the small town nature, you’re not sure. But fuck does it feel nice.

After a minute or so, you begin to move, but his hand grabs you.

You fumble to a stop, heart jumping at the feeling of his hand on your arm.

Just friends.

“Harry?” You ask, confused.

He’s smiling at you, meekly, “look.”

He points up and you still.

There are a sprig of little leaves hung on the roof above you. Mistletoe.

“Oh.” You whisper aloud.

“Did you— do you— sorry?” You’re baffled, because if he’s implying you follow through with tradition…

He laughs a little, but theres a nervous air around you.

Maybe he was just pointing it out for a laugh— to scare you a bit.

He moves to press his body close to yours, and you draw in a sharp breath.

You can smell him, that warm toasted vanilla smell that is always radiating off him. It’s sweet and woodsy in nature, comforting in a way you just want to bundle yourself up in it.

“Cant break tradition, can we?” He says, arms skating up to your hips.

“You want to kiss me?” You whisper.

The house is hushed around you, everyone pretty much in bed now.

He doesn’t answer your quiet question with words, instead he nudges your chin up with his nose, moving to place a warm kiss on the pulse point of your neck.

You shudder at the sensation, the way his soft lips feel against your skin.

It feels so wrong and so right all at once.

He moves up to the junction of your neck and jaw, peppering kisses along it, slipping up to your cheek.

You catch your lips on his cheekbone, and you feel any resolve against going further slipping from your grasp.

“Harry…”

“Just tell me if you want me to stop.” He murmurs against your skin.

“Tradition. Gotta stick to tradition.” You reason aloud, but you both know this goes far beyond that.

Usually people stuck under mistletoe share a quick peck if romantic feelings aren’t present. It doesn’t get dragged out, no laying soft lips over as much skin as you can. Unless it’s a hallmark movie, you suppose.

“Mmhm.” He hums against you, lost in the feeling.

You’re not 100% sure who makes the first proper kiss.

He’d pressed a kiss that caught the corner of your mouth, and you kissed the dip between his chin and bottom lip. He’d grazed your upper one, you’d pushed into it.

Like neither of you wanted to take the blame for it, be the one to initiate it.

Before you know it you’ve both sealed your mouths together. Let’s just say it was probably a mutual move.

It was slow, perfect and deliciously warm.

Your hand came up to his face, cupping the ridge of his jaw— pulling him infinitely closer.

His own hands are up slipping up to your hair, “Careful, don’t mess up your work.” you say, not wanting him to screw up the plait he did.

He laughs, taking his hands to your torso, beginning to slowly map out your body, feeling the different dips and curves of it.

He gently takes your bottom lip into his mouth, sucking it carefully to see your reaction.

Your stomach drops to your feet at the feeling, toes curling in your fluffy socks.

“Shit.” You whimper as he lets it flick back into place with a pop.

“Y’fuckin’ kidding me, Y/N.” He says into your mouth.

“Your lips are bloody perfect.” He pulls back a little, letting his thumb come up to skate over your swollen, wet lips.

You kiss the tip of his finger, and he visibly tenses.

If you hadn’t already breached the point of no return, this would be what did it.

You take it just into the seam of your lips, letting your tongue swipe over it.

He draws in a laboured breath, clocking you like a hawk as you slide your mouth down to the knuckle of his thumb, sucking on it a little.

“Y/N… fuck.” He groans quietly.

You slip a little further down, looking up at him to catch his eye.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ. Don’t do that— don’t look at me like that.”

You glide your mouth back to the top of his finger to speak innocently, “Like what?”

“Don’t be coy, y’know exactly what you’re doing to me right now, darling.”

He pulls back from you, and it visibly takes a lot of strength not to give into how bad he wants you.

Instead he compromises, taking your hand and leading you into his room without a word.

“As much as id like to lay you down in my bed and lick into till you come around my tongue,” he pauses, watching your reaction as he says that, knowing he’s wound you up good and proper.

“‘M not doing that while my mums just down the hall and our band mates are down stairs. Because you would not be able to keep quiet.” He shuts the door behind you both.

“So, cuddling it is, sweetheart.”

You’re dumbfounded at how blunt he just was. Dumbfounded and incredibly turned on.

“You can’t just say you want your head between my legs and then follow it with telling me we’re just going to cuddle.”

“Nothin’ wrong with a good cuddle.”

“But I’m—“

He cuts you off, “horny, I know, believe me so am I.”

He pulls your hand to feel his groin, where his cock was perked up in his sweatpants— he was certainly hard under your hand.

“Oh. Oh…” you stutter out, before he pulls it away again.

He shucks the sweater he was wearing over the top of his head, leaving him shirtless— and his tattoos completely visible.

You let your eyes wander along his toned torso and back, watching intently as he pulls the soft green doona cover of his bed down to slip under.

You stand for a moment, and he looks expectantly for you to join him.

“Cmon, Y/N, please?” He draws out the please, and you roll your eyes.

“You’re a goof.” You say, getting in with him.

“Big spoon or little spoon?” You ask once you lay down.

“Well unless you want my boner pressed into you, probably little.” You laugh at the situation you’ve thrown yourselves into.

It feels very different, yet very normal at the same time.

“I’d be just fine with that, I just don’t know how your little guy would cope with it though.”

“Little?” He challenges, pulling you into him so you can feel him rut against you.

“Oh stop it, I was kidding don’t take it so personally.” You grin, swatting his hands from your waist. Admittedly, from what you’ve felt tonight, he feels anything but little.

You pull yourself close to him,trying to fight away the December chill, and he smiles. It quiet for a few heartbeats, you both just enjoying each others presence and warmth.

Without warning he captures your lips with his, and you give straight into it. It’s not rushed, just soft and slow.

You kiss and kiss, tongues dipping between both of your mouths and you feel yourself growing tired. They become sloppy and laced with drowsiness— yet are still just as beautiful.

He pulls himself back with a small inhale, and places a final soft peck on your chin before pulling you further into his chest.

“Night, lovely.” He whispers, sounding blissful.

“Goodnight, Harry.”

———

you can find part two here <3

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foxes-that-run · 4 months

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Holy Ground

Taylor has described Holy Ground as reminiscing on a past relationship, which the final is. The draft lyrics in the Lover Journal do not refer to it as a past relationship however, that was added later. The album arrangement of Holy Ground is upbeat, fast tempo, with State of Grace it was part of the anthemic opening of the Red Tour. In the 2019 BBC Live Lounge which was recorded in NY Taylor played it slow and sad:

youtube

Red Secret Message "When you came to the show in SD"

The Secret Message for Holy Ground is "When you came to the show in SD." Which may be Saint-Denis, the district and canal in Paris very close to Le Zenith which Taylor played on 17 March 2011.

They had the opportunity to meet when One Direction and Taylor were both in LA in 25-30 January 2011. This may be the referred to "first glance". Begin again shows them texting each other. From then until the 16 March they toured different countries.

One Direction had a 3 day weekend 16 - 19 March. Harry left Brighton the morning of 17 March. Taylor was in Paris on the 16, 17 and 18 March. Taylor then went to Madrid and Harry re-appeared at the O2 on 19 March. Thank you @cntfightmydemonsthyknowhowtoswim for these links.

This was the first show on the Speak Now Tour that Taylor played Fearless and Train's "Soul Sister" in a mash up, which appeared on/off for the rest of the tour. Soul Sister was Harry's X-Factor audition song.

They were then both in London and on Wednesday 23 March Taylor wore a white dress similar to the cover of Begin Again. Taylor was in London many times for the rest of the year

What about San Diego?

People have theorised that SD is her show in San Diego on 20 October 2011, suggestion Joe Jonas attended, however he was in Paris on that date. One Direction did have time off then though.

Why Paris? Paris features in the music videos for Begin Again, Everything has Changed, Falling, Paris Lyric video and the Love on Tour Images for What Makes you Beautiful.

What Taylor said about the song

In the Red album talk Taylor said she wrote the song about a past relationship and appreciated the relationship for what it was. Of note, she pauses *a lot*, like 6 times in 10 seconds, and pinches her hands, in the part where she says it was a past relationship.

Taylor said she wrote Holy Ground after seeing the muse in February 2012. In January, she had been 'holidaying' in London (having spent months there the year before) being papped walking alone. She left London the same day as One Direction, 27 January, ahead of Harry's 18th birthday 1 February 2012. See 2011 timeline. More thanks to @cntfightmydemonsthyknowhowtoswim

She speaks with no pauses once she talks about the production. She mentioned Jeff Bhasker, who worked on the song and went on to be one of Harry's main collaborators.

Lover Journal

Taylor also shared a Lover Journal (book 3) entry for March 16 2011, where in Paris, she said "My life is so beautiful right now. Every once in a while I have to remind myself to breathe and take in the view", later a Lyric in Paris and something Harry said on the Jonathan Ross show 16 November 2013.

The original lyrics to Holy Ground are on the next page (dated "February 2012", and not yet complete) with Love Story on the adjacent page. These February 2012 Lyrics are quite different, "Back when" and the last verses with "dust on every page" are missing, it is reminiscing, but not after a break up. It is likely the song was further developed when recorded mid-year and their relationship changed.

Live Performances

Holy Ground was on the Red Tour setlist and then only played a handful of times:

30 June 2015 - 1989 Surprise Song in Dublin, followed a Clean speech:

Everyone here tonight has [...] things that haunt them. [...]. Memories you wish you didn’t have. Memories you wish you could forget. [...] whether you lost someone you never thought you’d lose or you lost yourself. Or you fell in love with a person or a habit that was bad for you, and you couldn’t quit. [...].

22 October 2016 - her only live show of 15 songs that year, played between Style and an Enchanted/Wildest Dreams mashup. Harry and Taylor had been in New York.

22 May 2018 - Reputation Surprise Song in Seattle, first show after their anniversary.

29 August 2019 - BBC Live Lounge recorded in NY (above) one of 6 songs. Harry was in London, on the 19th he lost the Rose Ring.

27 May 2023 - Eras Surprise Song, NJ, in a green dress with False God. "I feel pretty good about this song for tonight, it's called Holy Ground". It also replaced EHC in the recorded Red intro when the Joe Break up was announced in April 2023.

Lyrics

I was reminiscing just the other day While having coffee all alone, and Lord, it took me away Back to a first glance feeling on New York time Back when you fit my poems like a perfect rhyme

The first verse includes drinking coffee alone, coffee being a theme. Here Taylor drinks coffee alone, similar to Is it over now? “let's fast forward to 300 takeout coffees later" it is post-break up. This is in the original lyrics, but separated by distance.

The second half remembers a brief meeting and includes that Taylor and her muse travel a lot and share a love of poetry and rhyme.

The original lyrics differ here, importantly "back when" is missing, the relationship was still current and Taylor felt completed by the person. It was "Back to the first glance feeling on new time, you were the last word filling out the end of the rhyme"

Took off faster than a green light, go Yeah, you skip the conversation when you already know I left a note on the door with a joke we'd made And that was the first day

This second verse hits themes in Haylor songs of how quickly they fit:

Lover "Have I known you for 20 seconds or 20 Years"

Labyrinth "Never trust it if it rises fast / It can't last"

Message In A Bottle: But time moves faster, replaying your laughter, disaster

You Are In Love: Time moved too fast, you play it back

Coney Island: The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go

Also skipping conversation is a theme of not communicating

The note on the door is visualised as a piece of paper on a hotel door in the lyric video. It reminds me of The Very First Night's "Didn't read the note on the Polaroid picture". This lyric also reminds me of Begin Again "I think it's strange that you think I'm funny, 'cause He never did"

And darling, it was good Never looking down And right there where we stood Was holy ground

The Chorus is the end of the February 2012 lyrics. "Holy" ground has always confused me, but I think the clue is in the secret message, it was "Saint" Denis.

Down is in a lot of songs, this is just some:

Come Back... Be Here "And now that I can put this down"

IKYWT "'Til you put me down, oh"

Style "And when we go crashing down, we come back every time"

IWYW "We're a crooked love in a straight line down"

Wonderland "Took a wrong turn and we / Fell down a rabbit hole."

Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress We had this big wide city all to ourselves We blocked the noise with the sound of 'I need you' And for the first time I had something to lose

tee hee Dress: "Only bought this dress so you could take it off"

Question…?: Good girl, sad boy, big city, wrong choices

Need is in:

Come Back… Be Here: I guess you’re in New York today, I don’t wanna need you this way

This Love: When you’re young you just run but you come back to what you need

New Romantics: We need love, but all we want is danger

End Game: I’m one call away whenever you need me

Don’t Blame Me: Shaking, pacing, I just need you

Need "Oh, It's a need, it's a need I would go anywhere that you lead"

And I guess we fell apart in the usual way And the story's got dust on every page But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now And I see your face in every crowd

This verse is clear the relationship has ended, but was added after February 2012. Fell apart is also in:

The Very First Night: Back then we didn’t know we were built to fall apart

Out Of The Woods: "We were built to fall apart, then fall back together"

Taylor has also made the story/page reference is a theme in many songs

New Year’s Day: "Don’t read the last page, but I stay"

Death By A Thousand Cuts: "But if the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?"

Paris: "Privacy sign on the door and on my page and on the whole world"

Tonight I'm gonna dance For all that we've been through But I don't wanna dance If I'm not dancing with you

There is a lot of dancing in Haylor songs:

22: Everything will be all right if we just keep dancing like we’re 22

The Very First Night: Danced in the kitchen, chased me down through the hallway

Out Of The Woods: To move the furniture so we could dance, baby, like we stood a chance

You Are In Love: You two are dancing in a snow globe 'round and 'round

Dancing With Our Hands Tied: If I could dance with you again

Cardigan: I knew you, dancing in your Levi’s, drunk under a streetlight

Cowboy Like Me: And you asked me to dance, but I said, “Dancing is a dangerous game”

Maroon: And I chose you, the one I was dancing with in New York, no shoes

Glitch: I thought we had no chance and that’s romance, let’s dance

and bonus Dancing, after this she learned to Dance alone:

Shake It Off: I’m dancing on my own, I make the moves up as I go

New Romantics: We are too busy dancing to get knocked off our feet

#haylor #taylor swift #red taylor swift

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sweetqueerinthesummer · 7 months

Text

evermore and the regrets

Before reading this analysis I would recommend researching the theory about the failed coming out (I think this post from @sophietv is the best I've read on the subject), and reading my previous analysis of The Archer, since I consider these songs to be heavily connected (in my head they're sort of a trilogy with Dear Reader, which should be my next post).

Second thing, I’m not considering the lyrics to be from different pov even though it’s a duet, so even if i put in purple the lyrics that Bon Iver sings in the studio version, I don't believe that it has a particular meaning, but if you have another interpretation, I would be delighted to read it. ^^

A quick reminder of the timeline this is based on, just so we’re on the same page: Taylor would’ve hoped to come out on June 30th 2019 New York pride parade, but didn’t, probably because of the stealing of her masters. She then started really quickly to shift from the colorful Lover era to wearing mostly black, and performing pretty sad songs acoustically (go watch the Live in Paris and the BBC Live Lounge studio for example). It’s also the time where Taylor and Karlie may have broken up, from what I know, we don’t know for sure in what order the events happen, but it may be linked in some way, which might be adding to the pain she feels connected to that period.

This song takes us through her journey, of understanding and accepting the way things turned out during the Lover era.

I would like to start by highlighting how she uses the imagery of winter (I put it in blue) in that song. She was supposed to come out in at the end of June, and this song is filled with cold, ice, winter, etc, which, I think, represent the way she felt like she was frozen in the closet, incapable to move and to join the queer community during the summer.

Gray November I've been down since July

It may seem obvious, but the beginning of July is the end of June, pride month, and as I said before, she wanted to come out on June 30th: July was exactly the time when she understood that she hadn’t been able to, and must’ve been a period of great doubt and regrets: she never got answer to the questions she asked in the Archer, she never got to see the outcome of all that anxiety she felt, it just didn't happen.

Motion capture Put me in a bad light

This is probably about the Miss Americana documentary, which was allegedly supposed to be a coming out documentary, and ended up being about her talking about politics. After the documentary, she never talked about politics in such an open and determined way again, which might put her in a tight position. The documentary is just another reminder of her “failure” (she might think of it that way, if you want my opinion, not being able to come out is never a failure on your part, it’s a failure from your environment to you), and puts her in a bad light at least in her own mind, since she backtracked right after.

I replay my footsteps on each stepping stone Trying to find the one where I went wrong

She replays the events again and again, trying to understand where she made a mistake, where she should’ve acted differently.

Writing letters Addressed to the fire

And she thinks, again, of all her coming out speeches she might have written (“I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you”, the Archer), with the bitterness of knowing that none of them were ever destined to become more than wishful thinking.

And I was catching my breath Staring out an open window Catching my death And I couldn't be sure I had a feeling so peculiar That this pain would be for Evermore

She fears that she’s never gonna overcome those regrets and that she’ll be stuck with these feelings forever. (I’ll develop a bit more on that part when i’ll reach the last chorus.)

Hey December

At the beginning of the song, we were in November, thinking about July. Here, time has passed, but she’s still caught in the winter...

Guess I'm feeling unmoored Can’t remember What I used to fight for

Here again, her not being out can be one of the explanations as to why Taylor stopped talking about politics as much as she did at some point. She can’t find the hope she had before, about her future and her life, and she may have lost the will to fight, feeling like if she wasn’t “even” able to come out, she wasn’t able to fight for anything else.

I think it could also mean that the breakup and/or everything that happened at the time made her lose her desire to come out in any way.

I rewind the tape but all it does is pause On the very moment all was lost

She can’t understand where everything went wrong, she can’t remember what happened, how it happened, how she ended up where she is, the only thing she remembers is the feeling when she understood that she had “lost”, that she wouldn’t be able to win this.

The way she says “all was lost” means – in my opinion – that she held so much hope, and that so much of her future was dependent on her coming out, that not being able to do it made her feel like lost everything she had worked for.

Sending signals

The beginning of the Lover era was probably one of the moments Taylor was the loudest about her queerness…

To be double crossed

…But in the end, she was betrayed and she couldn’t get through with it, she couldn’t actually act on these signals. In that situation, she was betrayed, but she could also feel like she betrayed those who understood what she wanted to do.

And I was catching my breath Barefoot in the wildest winter Catching my death And I couldn't be sure I had a feeling so peculiar That this pain would be for Evermore

Can’t not think of all the cost And the things that will be lost

The anxiety is still there, and she’s wondering if it’s worth it. She was sure it was, in the Archer, but now she isn’t anymore, she realized what she could lose, how much it would cost her.

Oh, can we just get a pause? To be certain we'll be tall again

Can I just take time to think, to make sure that it’s still what I want, to be certain I won’t lose everything (again) if I end up doing it.

Whether weather be the frost Or the violence of the dog days I'm on waves, out being tossed

This seems to confirm that the the cold represent the closet: whether she stays frozen in the closet or she faces the violence of being out (a violence that echoes hundreds of years of oppression), she's not in full control. It’s something I’ll develop further in my analysis of Dear Reader, but at that point I think she realized that whatever she does, it’s gonna be at least in part determined by the society she lives in, its intolerance and expectations, and she understands that the closet does not have less worth, as a choice, because coming out is also something that is dictated by heteronormativity. This choice is deeply personal, either ways it’s gonna be hard, and she can finally take a decision without being afraid of “betraying” or “lying” to people.

Is there a line that I could just go cross?

Is there a way for me to just get through with it and never have to think of it again, is there a rule I could break that would make it impossible for me to be mistaken, and for people not to understand who I am? The answer is no, whatever she does, her queerness will never be fully recognized and accepted.

And when I was shipwrecked I thought of you In the cracks of light I dreamed of you It was real enough To get me through And I swear You were there

I *think* she’s talking to her fans here, the ones who wouldn’t have left, had she actually come out. The end of the song is a call for hope and she actually end it up in an optimistic way.

And I was catching my breath Floors of a cabin creaking under my step

In the first chorus, she’s “catching her breath / staring”, she is the most silent possible, voluntarily and she doesn’t move, she’s watching passively. Then in the second one, she’s “barefoot in the wildest winter” you can imagine the snow, she doesn’t make a sound when she walks, and the sound of the wind is covering her anyway, she could not be loud even if she wanted to, but the focus is back on her feet, she’s in movement but it doesn’t change anything, she isn’t able to make a sound. Now, the floor is creaking under her step, she’s back home, in a cabin and she can finally walk loudly without fear or being caught. Is it because she’s finally comfortable in the (glass) closet she now lives in, or because she intends to be fully out at some point, I don’t know, but the end of this song, I think, convey the feeling that she’s safe, or that she’s going to be, at some point.

And I couldn't be sure I had a feeling so peculiar This pain wouldn't be for Evermore

This goes with what I said before, she ends up accepting herself and stops seeing the failed coming-out as an irreparable mistake, she understands that it’s a period of time and that the way she felt at this specific moment will eventually fade out.

#evermore #evermore the song #gaylor #friends of dorothea #lgbetty #taylor swift

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bettyshoweduptotheparty · 4 months

Note

Happy New Year! I'm popping in today because I've spent a bunch of time listening to Midnights lately, and I'm wondering what your thoughts are on songs like "Maroon" and "Hits Different" that suggest that K/T broke up (at least at one point). I do wonder whether the two had a big break at one point (maybe around the Lover/pre-Folklore era?), or if Taylor is talking about complications the two encountered at the very beginning of their relationship. 🤔

Happy New Year lovely!

My personal interpretation is that they were ‘on a break’ (sorry, very Ross and Rachel) for a few months in 2019, but there’s a lot of takes out there on whether or not they broke up or just had some trouble. A lot of people take the Great War to mean they only almost broke up, I think we wouldn’t have a song like Hits Different if Taylor hadn’t at least felt the real possibility of losing the love of her life. And her cover of ‘Can’t stop loving you’ in the BBC Live Lounge in the summer of 2019 was so devastating, that was the face of a woman who thought she’d lost everything. But noteworthy that Hits Different also ends on a hopeful note that suggest that the lover is coming back home. So not a real end. Pink has actually written a few ‘break up’ songs about her husband over the years when they had struggles but they never actually broke up, so I think it’s very possible for music to convey what in the moment felt like a breakup, but wasn’t. Maroon feels like one of those to me.

I’m pretty sure they were back together before the pandemic and by the time Taylor started writing folklore and evermore. But imagine going through all of that and then sitting in quarantine 8 months later and all your shows are cancelled. I’d need writing therapy too… So many gaylors think the folkmore albums are just about the Kaylor break up, but she lost her life’s work, her coming out, faith in her relationship and God knows what her dad had to do with it all, so I think that’s plenty of emotions to process to make these albums so loaded.

Little bonus and a hot take from me (but I’m putting it under the cut because it’s not really about your question): I think the Betty/James/Augustine love triangle is the story of how their relationship began. If I have time I’ll go through some lyrics to point out where we’ve seen nods to a love triangle pre-folklore and how they lyrically link to each other. I’ve only recently noticed how much cardigan throws back to both Delicate and Cruel Summer!

#kaylor #moots ask

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meetinginsamarra · 2 years

Text

My Fave Sherlock BBC AUs: Sports fics

Around mid-month I´ll do a fic rec list with my fave AU genres or tropes. Summaries are taken from OP´s on AO3.

Not featuring ballet because there is a separate rec list.

-------------------------------------

“Sticking the Landing” by SweetMandolins

https://archiveofourown.org/works/8797708

John Watson, Captain of Team GB’s gymnastics squad is confident and primed for his third and final Olympics. Disappointed in London with a shoulder injury putting paid to his Olympic dream, can he secure an Olympic gold finish before retirement? Meanwhile, Sherlock Holmes has other problems. Men’s Rhythmic Gymnastics is the newest Olympic sport, but a series of peculiar accidents both on and off the floor have taken out some of the competitors. Does something more sinister lurk under the spangles and spandex? Can Sherlock solve the mystery in time to deliver a flawless ball routine? And does something more valuable than medals await the boys in Rio?

“Thermocline” by J_Baillier @jbaillier

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22068541

John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

“Summit Fever” by J_Baillier @jbaillier

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16143296

After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he's a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover's trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I — the most lethal of all the world's highest mountains — shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

“Passion connected” by songlin

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14298093

(This is unfinished but imo still worth a read!)

John Watson retired after an injury pulled him out of the 2010 Winter Olympics. He's resigned himself to living out his days sharpening skates in Catawissa, Pennsylvania, fighting with his drunk sister and watching his number of students dwindle away.

Sherlock Holmes was banned from competition for a doping violation he did not commit before the 2014 Winter Olympics. Ever since, he has whiled away his time on odd jobs as skater after skater fires him as a coach. He no longer dreams of proving his innocence and making his comeback.

Uphill by scullyseviltwin @scullyseviltwin

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179526

Sherlock Holmes is striving for gold in this, his fourth and final Olympics as a downhill Alpine racer.

“Working on the Edges” by earlgreytea68 @earlgreytea68

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1185555

No matter where you put Sherlock and John, they click. Including the Winter Olympics.

“Tennis-series” by JupiterAsh (7fics)

https://archiveofourown.org/series/16847

starting with “A Study in Winning”

John and Sherlock are professional tennis players and it’s Wimbledon. One is a broken almost was at the end of his career, the other an arrogant rising star tipped for greatness. It should have been a straightforward tournament. It really should have been. How were they to know that a chance encounter would change everything?

“Gimme Shelter” by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John @sincewhendoyoucallme-john

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578941

(also published as “The sea ain´t mine alone” by C.L. Beaumont)

All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair.

That's all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition.

“Slipstream” by khorazir @khorazir

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15975143

It’s going to be the last Tour de France for professional cyclist John Watson. Despite the hardships of cycling more than 3000 kilometres in three weeks, in blistering heat and torrential rain, over dangerous cobblestones in northern France and the mountains of the Alps and the Pyrenees, battling thirst, hunger, injury and exhaustion, not to mention bitchy rivals, doping allegations, and the ever scoop-hungry press, he is going to enjoy the ride, damn it. That’s what John keeps telling himself – until he meets his new teammate, Sherlock Holmes, who adds a whole new list of problems as well as an extra dose of excitement to John’s life

“The Bang and the Clatter” by earlgreytea68 @earlgreytea68

https://archiveofourown.org/works/744242

Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it's a baseball AU.

“Boyfriend Material” (-series) by PoppyAlexander @fuckyeahfightlock

https://archiveofourown.org/works/8857168

Boston Brawlers' team captain John Watson longs for two things: a championship before he retires, and a boyfriend. Assigned to room with goaltender Sherlock Holmes--known around the league as both a genius and a "weird dude"--on Brawlers' roadtrips, John discovers the things they have in common that lead to an easy friendship and a convenient arrangement.

Slow-burn, adversaries-to-friends-to-lovers, romantic comedy.

#my fic recs #Sports AUs

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