On the Way to a Smile (Dark!Rafe Cameron x F!Reader)
Paring: Dark!Rafe Cameron x F!Reader
Summary: On the cusp of your wedding, you are haunted by a shade from your past who just can't seem to leave you alone.
Warnings: Implied non-con, drugging, loss of virginity, original characters, wedding crashing, possessive behaviour, flashbacks, bullying, substance use, cheating, implied eating + body image issue (18+)
đŚgill â "I made a story board for this on pinterest if anyone is interested, this is my first dark fic + semi smut so any feedback would be very appreciated! I also included some linked visuals but that's only how I imagined things to look, you can follow your own destiny." đŹ 17k (buckle up ya'll)
i.
"What's all this?"Â Â
Strewn across the Cameron's dining table was an array of objects that could only be described as a mixed blessing. Multiple binders containing silk swatches protruding from the edges, sticky notes with potential dietary requirements, and different flora species â planning a wedding was less of a journey and more of a ride.Â
Averting your burning eyes from your laptop screen, you acknowledged Rafe with a cordial smile, lazily gesturing to the conglomeration of wedding itinerary.Â
"My future."Â
The blonde simply hummed, eyes narrowing as he leisurely rounded the dark oak to stand beside you. He silently lingered there for a moment, ring-clad fingers dancing across the drafted invitations with an indecipherable expression.Â
"Where's Sarah? Ain't she supposed to be helping you with all this shit?"Â
You refrained from rolling your eyes. Rafe was, after all, a friend of the family, and by extension earned your respect. Even If he could be a complete dickâ
"I am helping, thank you very much!"Â
Sarah's voice, now tinged with irritation, reverberated from the pantry before she emerged with a bag of microwave popcorn. "What do you have to offer other than giving us a headache?" A deep crease settled between her brows as she threw her flaxen locks into a low ponytail, setting the bag into the microwave.Â
"Well you see, Sarah, I'm a man with a fine eye for detail." He prodded his haughtily puffed chest which Sarah scoffed at, glancing towards you with disbelief.Â
"Says the boy who'd be leaving the house with his shoelaces undone were it not for Wheezie."Â
"Now you're just making shit upâ"
"Both of you, please!" With an exasperated sigh, you cradled your throbbing temples in the seat of your palms. "If you're going to argue, do it somewhere else."
Ding!
A much-needed reprieve from the stifling tension in the room, the microwave beeped, signalling that the popcorn was ready. However, the pause was short-lived. As soon as the timer stopped, the silence was disrupted by Rafe's voice. His tone mocking and derisive.
"Ordering me around in my own house, hm?" His short, dirty blonde locks cascaded over his eyes as he shook his head, failing to conceal his lour. "Nah, that's not how it works sweetheart. Maybe I'd allow it if you were marrying me."
"Rafe." Sarah hissed. "Shut up and get out."
In the typical fashion of the first-born Cameron, Rafe disregarded his sister's command, instead opting to leer down at you like some voracious beast reading to trap you in its gaping maw.Â
"So where's the lucky man? He got to stake his claim, now he's leaving all the work for you?"Â
You ignored his taunts, for that was what they were. He fed off reactions like a leech. You had come to realise this over the years as he evolved into an obnoxious variant of the boy you once admired. Rather than giving him the attention he craved so dearly, you turned your focus to Sarah as she came to sit beside you.Â
"If you must know, he's working to pay off his student loans," You fought the urge to bite back at his spiteful remarks, ultimately losing when you added; "Maybe one day when you take care of your responsibilities, you will understand."
Sarah suppressed her snot beneath a mouthful of popcorn. As you reached for a handful of your own, a hand slid in between, suddenly pushing the bowl out of reach.Â
"Careful." Rafe drawled warningly, pointing to a trumpet silhouette dress advertised in a women's magazine you had circled with a red marker. "That dress is real pretty, it would be a shame if you outgrew it."
ii.
It was winter, 2006.Â
You were five, perched on your mother's lap in the front seat of your father's Chrysler 300C as she consoled you through hiccuping sobs. This Christmas, the esteemed Camerons were your family's special holiday destination; a far cry from the usual dinner and movie at your grandparents.
Numerous road signs were posted throughout Figure 8, warning drivers to approach the winding roads with caution due to the unusually high levels of sleet. Despite the treacherous conditions, your father traversed along as he usually would. You whimpered and pawed at your mother's blouse in a bid to be reassured, but she merely shushed you.
"Don't worry, baby. You're safe."
As you pulled up along a circular drive encompassed by large plains of neatly trimmed verdure, a house came into view⌠if you could even call it that.
 A quadruple frontage acting as a supporting beam for the large balcony above donned with red, white and blue flags and multiple seating arrangements. On the right side of the glass entry doors was a metal plaque spelling 'Tannyhill'Â
You beamed up at the place in awe. "Is this a castle?"Â
Your father chuckled, ruffling your loose hair.Â
"Something like that."
A man emerged from the double doors, dressed in the typical 'low-key' Figure 8 attire: white slacks, a chequered shirt, and leather loafers. He was a splitting image of your father and all the other men on the island, carrying an aura of confidence in every sedate step.
You were urged out of the car with a gentle but firm push. The strange manâs beady eyesâ like two pale corks screwed into his headâ landed on you disconcertingly, as though you were a microorganism being inspected beneath a scope.Â
"Hello, little one." His eyes crinkled as he smiled, bending down to your level. "What's your name?"
Your young mind could not fathom why he frightened you like the animated villain in your favourite TV show. When he extended his hand to you, you instinctively retreated into your mother's skirt.
"Don't mind her, Ward." Your father emerged from the driverâs side of the vehicle. "She'll warm up real fast if you offer her something sweet."
"A sweet tooth?" The man, Ward, mused. His voice mild-mannered and pleasant to the ear. "My son is the same, I'm sure you'll get along just fine."
Inside, the house was even more impressive. Tannyhill had been the proud ancestral home of the Cameron family for generations and their wealth and prestige were evident in the sheer opulence of its interior. The walls of the hallway were draped in thick upholstery, varying in shades of crimson, indigo and gold. An ornate floral pattern embroidered in gold thread was meticulously sewn onto the walls.Â
Adorning the hallway to the kitchen were multiple picture frames. One in particular caught your interest; a young boy sat on Ward's lap in a velvet-lined chair, smiling and well-groomed with golden locks and a well-pressed collar.Â
You wondered if this was the aforementioned son.
Ward's explanation of the Plantation's historical significance fell on deaf ears as you gaped up at the towering ceilings. Your mother attempted to conceptualise it for you through the metaphor of an onion; Tannyhill was composed of multiple layers of history, each integrating to create the rich heritage value of the place.Â
"You came here once when you were just a little bean in my belly."
"I don't remember that."
She pulled you into her side by the shoulder as she laughed. "Of course you don't, darling."Â
Ward came to a halt at the staircase, raising a finger to his lips.
"Sarah's nursery is upstairs. We just got her down before you arrived but I'll let you have a peek."
 "Oh, thatâs alright, Ward. We wouldn't want to disturb her." Your father interjected, mirroring Wardâs hushed tone.
"That won't be an issue, my angel is a heavy sleeper," he whispered, motioning for you to follow him with a reassuring wave of his hand.
âRafe's up there at the moment,â Confusion enveloped you as a frown settled in place of his previous jovial demeanour. When his stiffened gaze met yours, heat bloomed beneath your cheeks and you perked up. âMaybe you can keep him company, little one."Â
The first door on the right was painted a light, dusty rose. Above the door frame were little wooden letters decorated by fairies and flowers spelling out âSarahâ. The dry hinges screeched as Ward opened the door.
âRafe, come meet our guests.âÂ
The boy from the picture emerged, older now and taller than expected. Unlike the bright smile he wore in the photograph, there was not a trace of joy on his face. But despite his gloomy demeanour, there was a certain charm about him that you couldn't help but notice.
Beautiful, heâs beautiful.Â
âHello.â He said robotically, as though the syllables were being tugged out of his mouth by an invisible wire.Â
Ward glared disapprovingly at his son. There was a silent exchange between the two before Rafe finally sighed as if submitting to some sort of inevitable conclusion.
âMerry Christmas, itâs nice to meet you all.âÂ
His eyes met yours. Crystal orbs of cerulean, framed by a dark outer ring⌠you were transfixed by his beauty.Â
You sat mutely at dinner, only answering direct questions with the bare minimum of words. Mrs Cameron was a lovely and welcoming woman who did her best to include you in the conversation despite your reluctance to participate. Rafe's occasional snarky remarks seemed to anger Ward. His face would darken each time and he would glare in his son's direction with a look of disapproval. The tension between the two was thick, oozing onto you from across the table. You made eye contact with Rafe a few times. He held it with no indication of discomfort whilst you were always the one to eventually flit your attention elsewhere, unable to withstand the strange intensity.Â
As the maids began to clear the table, Ward suggested to both you and Rafe, âGo and play while us adults have our talk.â
With the sun making a hasty departure below the treeline in the distance, It had cooled off exponentially outside. You trailed behind Rafe as he led you to a small shed next to the pool, struggling to tug your gloves over trembling fingers.Â
You waited outside as Rafe disappeared beyond the frame, returning a few moments later with a black and white ball.
âDo you know how to play?â
The ball was familiar but you shook your head, unsure of the rules.Â
âDonât touch the ball with your hands or make contact with me.âÂ
âMake contact?â You tilted your head in confusion.Â
âYou canât kick your enemy on purpose, got it?â
You gave a nodâ still unsure about why youâd want to kick anyone on purposeâ and Rafe tossed the ball at you. The ground was partially frozen beneath your feet and you stumbled backwards with the sudden force of the ball, nearly toppling over.Â
âGood, let's play.âÂ
At first, it felt hopeless as your feet slipped on the icy ground cartoonishly. Rafeâs size, strength and experience did not deter him from going full pelt, and it quickly became apparent that the only way you could gain any leverage over him was if you were to be sneakyâ which of course, was easier said than done.Â
Every pivot of your foot he anticipated. His agile movements made it nearly impossible to bypass him and you found yourself huffing in frustration as he swiftly confiscated the ball from your weak stance.Â
âThis is not fair!â You cried exasperatedly, ego depleted after numerous failures.
âYouâve got to try harder if you want to beat me.âÂ
Rafeâs arrogant tone only stoked the flames of your wrath. Slowing down, you realised that your frantic footwork before an attack left your defences vulnerable. Watching Rafeâs strategy, you could see that he was coming head-on, anticipating that you would focus your resources on an attack.Â
This time rather than barreling towards him head-on, you hunkered down into a low stance, turning slightly and awaiting his arrival. Once within range, you swiftly kicked your right foot out, connecting with the ball. It shot through his legs, the suddenness of your attack delaying his reaction ever so slightly, allowing you ample opportunity to rush past him and possess the ball.Â
After the shock wore off and Rafe turned to face you, his face was adorned by a countenance of surprise. âWow, not bad.âÂ
âGot you!â You giggled, spinning around in glee.Â
âYouâre more fun than Sarah.â Rafe earnestly remarked. âShe never wants to play. All she does is sleep and cry.â Â
âI like playing with you.âÂ
The corners of his lips tugged upwards, his dour demeanour melting away into a softer grin.Â
âLetâs try something different.â He suggested, your stomach clenching in apprehension at the mischievous glint in his eyes.
â...Ok.âÂ
âYou stand over there,â He pointed to a small clearing between two trees, âThat is the goal. You have to try and protect it.âÂ
âOk.â You giggled, heart thumping in rhythm with your hasty steps.Â
âReady?â
You gave a thumbs up and he backed up. Once he was pleased, he took an initial calculative step before thundering towards the ball, sending it soaring through the air. You were sure that it would not make contact with you as it was well above your head. However, after it had risen, it quickly descended back down with the speed and precision of a hunting eagle. It slammed into the edge of your brow, making contact with a surprising amount of force. Your legs gave way under the pressure as you clutched the spot where the ball hit, eyes tearing up from the impact.
âOw.â Your voice wobbled as you cradled your head.Â
âOh, oops.â Rafe rushed to kneel beside you, gingerly lifting your chin to inspect your face. âAre you ok?âÂ
You didnât respond, and when he noticed the tears welling up in your eyes, his entire body stiffened.Â
âHey, hey, hey. Donât cry, youâre ok.âÂ
Blinking furiously, you managed to keep it together, but your voice came out as a dry croak. âAm I bleeding?â
âNah, itâll just be a little bruise. Nothing to worry about.âÂ
His assurance dampened your concern, and you nodded. âEven though that really hurt, I still won. The ball didnât pass the trees!âÂ
Rafe began to chuckle but was abruptly disturbed by the click of the back door. Your mother called your name into the still air. Sniffling, you brushed your hair back into place when his tight grip clasped onto your shoulders, stilling your frantic movements.Â
âI was saving this for later,â His voice was hushed now as he removed a lollipop from his back pocket. âBut itâs yours if you promise not to tell.âÂ
Wiping the corner of your eyes, you smiled, âAlright.â
iii.
You froze in front of the mirror.
Floor length, delicately laid seams stretching taut against soft curves, the colour perfectly harmonious with your undertonesâ The dress was a beautiful testament to how far you've come, like a chain binding the past and the present together.
There was just one issueâŚit wouldnât zip up the whole way.Â
You urged the seamstress to keep trying, tugging the resistant zip until it eventually gave way. It didn't, and on one particularly harsh tug, the zip got caught and pinched your flesh. You hissed, and she apologised before releasing it down and backing off.Â
âYour wedding is in a week?â She inquired, glancing over your frame insouciantly.
âYes, Saturday week.â
âI should be able to add some alterations to the back in that time.âÂ
Her attempt at assuaging you was futile â your mind could only focus on the wheel of possibilities, endlessly spinning. âWhat if thereâs nothing you can do? Or the alteration destroys the style of the dress? Is there another alternative?âÂ
Her smile was solemn as she met your frantic gaze in the reflection. âWell, I suppose the only other suggestion I can make is to move more and eat less.â
You pressed your lips together before stepping out of the changing room into the harshly lit waiting space. Your motherâs eyes immediately widened as she shot off the couch with a mixture of admiration and concern concocting within her irises. Â
âOh, Darling. The dress is beautiful, but you donât look happy. Whatâs the matter?â
âThere is a slight issueâŚwith the back.â The seamstress sighed, urging you to turn.Â
Your mother attempted to stifle her gasp beneath a freshly manicured hand. She skittered forward brushing delicate fingers over the fabric, prodding and pushing at the broad opening.Â
âMum,â You groaned. âJust be honest with me, how bad is it?âÂ
âWell, itâs about two inches so itâs not unnoticeable.â A crease formed in her brow as she inspected you, momentarily stuck in thought. âHave you considered styling your hair down?âÂ
âYes, but that's not going to fix the issue.âÂ
She nodded, turning her attention to the seamstress, âMaâam, I am willing to pay the price to have my daughter's dress prioritised.âÂ
Before she could even consider the request, the familiar chime of your phone rang out, breaking your dazed stupor. As you peered at the screen, the name vibrantly lighting it up like a lighthouse beacon made you deeply exhale.Â
âSorry, Iâll just answer this.â Â
âIs it Thomas?â Your motherâs ears piqued up in interest as you shuffled back to the changing room, her thin lips stretching into a downward crescent.
âDonât sound more excited than me, mum.â
You swiped the accept button on the call after clicking the lock shut. âHey sweetheart, howâs it going at the shop?âÂ
A pit swelled within your stomach. âThings could be better.â
âIs there an issue? Last time you couldnât have sounded happier.â Thomasâs voice was laced with concern, the image of his deep-set frown and fidgeting fingers flashing into your mind.
âI mean, itâs nothing that canât be fixed. Just a minor issue with the beading.â
âAlright then, so it could be worse? Regardless, Iâm certain you look beautiful.â
âYouâre kind of required to say that, yâknow, as my fiance.â You whispered timorously.
âRequired or not doesnât make a difference if I mean it all the same.â
The impressive weight of the dressâs train dragged the bodice down with it as it cascaded into a pile of limbs on the floor. A chuffed smile melded onto your face. âWas there any real purpose to this call?âÂ
âDepends on what you count as purposeful. I wanted to hear my beautiful fiancĂŠâs voiceâŚand ask what other plans she has for the day?â
This time you snorted. Thomas was always vying for your attention. âIâm supposed to be meeting Edie at the club for lunch. Sheâs afraid youâll hog up all my attention after the wedding and plans to get me drunk so she can find out all your dirty secrets.âÂ
âWell sheâs not wrong about the first part,â He heartily chuckled. âBut try not to reveal too much, I think weâve had enough rumours spread about us for a lifetime.â
âIâll do my best. Anyway, I probably should get going, Iâm already running late.â
âAlright, Iâll see you later then. I love you.â
âLove you too.â
Your mother resumed her position on the plush white couch while she waited for you, snapping up as you beckoned for her towards the entrance. She stalked closely behind your tail, approaching warily as you headed to your car.Â
âWe discussed options on how the dress could be altered. It seems like the quickest solution will be to make it backless.â
âHonestly at this point, I donât really care,â A heavy and tired sigh escaped your lips as you unlocked your car. âAs long as it fits, that's all that matters to me.âÂ
âDarling,â Her cold grasp caught your arm, forcing you to face her. âI know how you get. Your mind is all over the place, I can see it in your eyes.â
âItâs fine mum. I gave up on perfection a long time ago.âÂ
âEither way, this is your big day and I want you to enjoy it. Donât let this small mishap ruin it for you, alright?â She sagely advised, soothingly rubbing your shoulders.Â
âOk, I wonât. Promise.â Though the smile was forced, you didnât have it in you to counter her pleading eyes. She hugged you firmly, planting a kiss on your cheek as you parted ways.Â
The country club was brimming with familiar faces, each passing by with a nod of the head. In all honesty, you couldnât remember half of their names, only being acquainted through your parents. Etiquette was an expected part of the club, though, so you returned their superficial pleasantries with an equally superficial smile.Â
The dining hall was occupied by an elderly couple sharing hushed whispers beside the far right window and a group of young men ravenously devouring their meals after an afternoon playing golf.Â
However, there was no sign of Edie.Â
Allowing your intuition to guide you through the hive-like hallways of the facility, you eventually ended up at the outdoor bar overlooking the course green. That was where you found her; firey tresses flowing loosely over her shoulders, hunched over the bartop as she swirled a glass of glistening rosè.Â
âI see you started without me.âÂ
Without having to turn she squealed as the sound of your voice carried over to her, attracting the attention of curious onlookers. âYou made it! I was starting to think youâd bailed on meâŚagain.â
âEd, that was months ago. I think itâs time we move on.â
She hummed and with a light giggle tapped the stool beside her. âOnly if you let me buy you a drink and promise not to complain about the heat.â
âDeal.âÂ
Nothing ever changed with Edie. Some people would describe her as immature, solidly stuck in the same old adolescent patterns of staying out late, drinking to the point of blacking out and entertaining unsuitable partners based on her attraction to them. But despite the opinion of others, her consistency came as a comfort to you. She knew how to have fun, and this energy never ceased to rub off on you.
âNow I know youâre probably sick of hearing it,â Already knowing where this was going, you rolled your eyes to emphasise how you felt about this turn in the conversation. Her voice was slightly slurred at this point, having gone through half a bottle of prosecco together. If you didnât keep your wits about you, your tongue would soon become looser than you wished.Â
 âBut I have to askââ
âEd.â Your tone was firm.Â
âAre you sure about this?âÂ
You sighed, leaning back in the stool like a beleaguered outpost, utterly surrendered and defenceless against her heavy onslaught.Â
âThe amount of times youâve asked me this is making me think you just donât like him.â
âBabe, you know itâs more complicated than that.â She gently clasped your hand. âIf youâre happy, Iâm happy, promiseâŚeven with his track record.âÂ
Your muscles stiffened, weighing you down like a heavy stone in your seat. âWe put that behind us many years ago.â
âWell yeah,â She reticently continued. âI guess Iâm still in the process of forgiving him, though.â
âIf I can then Iâm sure you have it in you.â
Her viridian eyes continued to pierce into you as she tilted her glass up to glossed lips. Sensing the finality in your tone, she nodded.Â
âSo, are you?â
âAm I what?â You chortled incredulously.Â
âHappy!â
âYes! Trust me if I wasnât youâd be the first one to hear about it.â
âThatâs what I like to hear.â She shimmied her shoulders with a giggle, the previously heavy aura dissipating and being charioted away by the breeze.Â
The debate over your love life has been a perpetual thorn in your side for many years. People liked to voice their opinions as though your life was paltry gossip they could pass on to their hairdresser. But not many took the time to consider your perspective, your feelings, your anguish.Â
Edie geared the topic of discussion to her latest rendezvous. A welcome change. Her sporadic lifestyle always kept you on your toes, considering there had been no major updates in your life for some time now... well, aside from the engagement of course. With the warm buzz pulsating through your veins, nothing could disturb the serene ambience of the club.
Almost nothing.Â
âWell, well, well. If it isnât the two finest women on this island.â Kelce, and that could only meanâ
âAnd if it isnât our favourite troublesome trio. What brings y'all here this evening?â
Rafe lingered behind his posse like a shadow, his feathery locks tucked beneath a dull grey cap. Though his eyes were shielded by black-out shades, you could sense the burning heat of his gaze from a mile awayâ your body well attuned to it.Â
âOnly the same as you two of course. Mind if we join you?â
âSorry boys, but itâs kind of a girlâs night.â You quickly interjected, masking the unease in your tone with a fleeting smile.Â
Edie groaned your name, âCome on, the more the merrier.â
âYeah come on,â Rafe echoed petulantly. âItâs been a while since we last hung out.â And you got the feeling he wasnât talking about the rest of them.
Kelce and Topper occupied the two stools adjacent to Edie, leaving the last available seat directly beside you. Rafe was entirely isolated from the group, nursing a bitterly scented beer, and you had become his sole companion.
His stool made an awful scraping sound as he encroached on your personal space. The thick, solid weight of his thigh nudging into yours caused you to flinch and you could have sworn he smirked at the.Â
âSo, howâve you been?â He lazily drawled and you didnât miss the way he blatantly zeroed in on your ring.Â
âThe same as always Rafe, but I canât say that bothers me.â
âNo? Yâknow that surprises me, you were always soâŚadventurous. Didnât think youâd settle for the housewife lifestyle so soon.âÂ
âYou of all people should know that others can change.â You argued with a morose huff.
âYeah, but not you.â His chuckle was merely a blank imitation of humour, shamelessly inauthentic. Â
âThis is kind of unfair. You seem to know my whole life story while I can barely piece yours together these days.âÂ
âYou wanna know what Iâve been doing?â You nodded and he slouched back against the bar stool, taking a hefty swig of his beer and removing his shades with a flick of the wrist.Â
âI was at the shops recently, saw your mum,â
â...Ok?â You scoffed, struggling to see the relevance.Â
âShe says youâve been acting strange lately, distant, that true?âÂ
âShe always thinks Iâm acting strangely.â She also apparently likes to gossip about my personal life.
âThing is,â He paused for a moment, grimacing as if struggling to formulate the proper words. You knew better. Nothing Rafe did was without reason. âSheâs under the impression itâs got something to do with the big day.â
âThe big day, are you kidding me?âÂ
Your heart synchronised with the beat of the music, drowning out all other immaterial noise as it pounded slow and steady in your ears. For the first time that evening, you dared a glimpse into Rafeâs eyes, immediately noticing his pupils dilated to the size of pennies.
âJesusâ Rafe,â You hissed, snatching his chin between your fingers. âI thought you gave up on that shit.â
âAlways worryinâ about me.â A humourless laugh floated from his hollow chest. Cool silver dug into the supple flesh of your wrist as he gently pried your hand away. With a bated breath, you snatched the limb from his grasp.Â
âYeah, well someone has to.â You scoffed. Remanence of snow dusted his collar and without thinking you brushed it away, watching as it fluttered into small clouds before dispersing.Â
âI did give up on it, by the way,â You frowned as your eyes flitted back up to him, brow raising in disbelief considering the blaring evidence that suggested otherwise. âBut somethingâs been bothering me recently. You know what that is?âÂ
âNo.â
His grin was so juvenile you struggled to fathom how this man-child before you was in actuality a twenty-two-year-old well on the way to developing his frontal lobe.Â
He leant forward, resting the weight of his upper body on those muscly thighs, shallow breaths puffing hot and dewy onto your neck. There was no subtlety to his show of bravado. No attempt to hide his objective as the invisible string urged him forward, enabling his crude behaviour.Â
He wanted to make you suffer.Â
âThe fact that I may have been the first man to have you, but in a weekâŚÂ I might not be the last.âÂ
iv.
Brighton Grammar wasnât any ordinary school, and it certainly wasnât for the weak.
On your first day, you witnessed a scrawny boy with haphazard streaks of green throughout his locks get tripped in the hallway and laughed at. The next day, he returned with a full head of brown hair.Â
His conformity was duller, sure, but it removed a target off his back. The positive side to being different was that you stood out and the negative was that you stood out.Â
It was a lose-lose situation.Â
âI donât see why you bother with all those clubs and shit.â Rafe dallied beside you with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He took it upon himself to chauffeur you between classes, and you didnât miss the way the crowds parted for him like a proverbial red sea.Â
A sense of discomfort washed over you as Rafeâs hallowed presence had both girls and boys alike turning their heads. Then there was just you. Plain old you. It was unfair, like pitting a stone against a diamondâ ultimately you stood no chance. Â
âIâm trying to find my passion and form connections. You should try it sometime, then maybe you won't be such a grouch.â He snarled and swerved to the side when you reached to pinch his arm. His reaction stirred a playful snicker from your lips.Â
âUh-huh. You talk like my fuckinâ grandma, yâknow that?âÂ
âI guess that means, unlike some people I have manners.â He glared at you again, a growing grin nearly breaking his unbothered countenance. âAnyway, I am very capable of making my own decisions and I didnât ask for your opinion.â
âYou, capable? Thatâs not something I ever thought Iâd hear.â
âOh screw you! Starting today I am an independent woman.â
This time he barked out a laugh. âWhatever you say, sweetheart.â
You came to a halt outside the locked classroom, leaning against the bulletin board frame and waving at your classmates as they mingled amongst each other. Rafe snatched the scheduling paper from your hands, snorting when you cursed him for it.Â
âGeneral maths with Mr Dubra? Damn, all I can say is good luck.âÂ
His words registered someplace in your mind, but your attention had ventured elsewhere. Rafe followed your transfixed gaze to the bulletin board; a bright-coloured poster with cursive font drew you in like a moth to a flame. In the centre of the A4 page was a picture of a small collective of students, the boy at the front particularly capturing your attention as his pointed finger directed at you.Â
Auditions for Brighton Grammarâs Hamlet are to be held in the auditorium during lunchtime this Thursday! Do you have what it takes thou thespian?
âI think Iâll join the theatre club.âÂ
Rafeâs expression could only be described as utterly mortified. âHey if you want to be labelled a fucking loser, be my guest,â He raised his hands in surrender. âI ain't gonna stop you since youâre an âindependent womanâ now.â
Your attempt to swing at him failed miserably as he dodged your attack with ease.Â
Ironically enough, you had been joking. The spotlight never called to you the thought of that much attention made your skin crawl. What you were drawn to on the other hand was the underappreciated art of stage crew, the glue that binds a production together.Â
But the ironic part of it all was that you did end up joining. For one, pathetic and degrading reason:
Thomas Hughes. The boy on the poster.
While you would describe Rafe as universally attractive, Thomas was the kind of handsome that not everyone could appreciate; a somewhat lanky build, eyes deep set into his skull as though he were eternally sleep deprived and unkempt hair tied into a loose bun.Â
But most notable was his aura, one of complete self-assurance and radiating warmth. He was also in Rafeâs year levelâ the grade above you âand you were certain the blonde would not approve, which made it all the more thrilling.Â
And for the sole reason of your silly little schoolgirl crush, you found yourself itching to get out of class after fourth period on Thursday. Unbeknownst to the pack of hounds you liked to call friends.Â
âYou coming to lunch?â Topper asked as you passed him in the hallway, heading in the opposite direction of the cafeteria.Â
You shook your head with an affable grin. âIâll catch up with you guys later.â
âRafe wonât be happy.âÂ
âRemind me to give a fuck.âÂ
The auditorium was located on the west wing of the school, an old block that had been neglected by the school's previous funding. The heavy double doors creaked as you pushed through them, eyes momentarily adjusting to the dim lighting.Â
At the front of the stage sat a panel. Some students, some older, presumably teachers. You took a seat a few rows behind them, intent on simply observing.Â
There were six others in the crowd, bouncing their knees and fidgeting with their jewellery anxiously. All apart from one girl who sat up straight, clad in a stained white gown. She caught your intrigued gaze and softly beamed in return, offering you a wave.Â
Thomas emerged from the right wing clasping a manila folder. âWhat a turnout, huh? Now as you probably all know, I will be starring as Hamletââ The audience erupted in a fit of claps and he bent over into a small bow.
âThank you, thank you, I am honoured. But more importantly, we are in desperate need of an Ophelia, Gertrude and a Polonius. The show can not go on without them! So I invite you all today to give it your best shot.âÂ
He gave a cue to someone in the light box and the overhead fresnels were adjusted to a neutral glow. âWell then, I donât see any point in keeping you all waiting. Who would like to go first?â
The girl in the white gown sprung her hand up with little hesitation. âAlright, thank you, Cindy. The stage is all yours.âÂ
Cindy, as you now came to know her, strode up the steps, hips swaying confidently like a lioness on the prowl. She was offered a script but turned it down, âIâve memorised this act.â Another girl in the crowd scoffed, shaking her head.Â
As she began, you took note of the dip in her cadence as it transitioned from her naturally firm voice to something delicate and wispy. She had an interesting way of manoeuvring across the stage, light-footed movements carrying her graciously on the wooden surface akin to a small cloud conquering the great big sky. As her performance came to an end, the panel of judges clapped and hooted, and she hid her face in the palms of her hands as it turned notably red. Â
Thomas offered his hand to help her off the stage, âGreat job Cindy! Although I would add for you to maybe tone down on the crazy. It is only the beginning of the play, Ophelia is still fairly sane.âÂ
The gleam in her eyes faltered slightly. âOhâuhâŚok. Iâll remember that for next time.â
âIf there is a next time, donât get too cocky,â Thomas spoke without looking up from his notes, missing the way her jaw fell open in surprise.Â
âWhoâs next?â
The room was swept into silence, everyone glancing around with hesitation.Â
âYou in the back!â Your head snapped upwards, heart dropping instantly, and you awkwardly gestured to confirm that he was indeed referring to you despite the burning of eyes trained on you like being under a spotlight. âYes, you. Since no one else was brave enough to volunteer, I nominate you.â
âOh, well I wasnât actually going to audition. I was just interested in seeing how this allâŚworks.â You chuckled nervously.Â
âNonsense! We donât bite, do we?â A chorus of âno we don'tsââ echoed in the large space. âBesides, itâs worth a shot. Some people are naturals and you will never know if you donât give it a go.âÂ
It wasnât like you couldnât refuse. These were theatre kids not abductors with a gun held to your head. But there was an indescribable intensity radiating off of them as if they could sense the refusal on the tip of your tongue, and for the first time, you felt the agonising weight of what your mother would call peer pressure.
 âAlright, why not.â
âThatâs the spirit!â You were ushered up to the stage before you had the chance to reconsider, face burning and legs trembling. Thomasâs fingers scraped against yours as he handed over the script. Your breath momentarily hitched and you flinched as though a spark of electricity had been transferred between you.Â
âJust read whatâs been highlighted, the other shit isnât necessary.âÂ
You nodded, mumbling in recognition as you noticed that at least two-quarters of the page had been highlighted in yellow.Â
Inhaling deeply, you centred your focus on the script, attempting to block out the sets of eyes trained on you. You opened your mouthâŚand laughed. A painstakingly timorous noise that could only be controlled by slapping a hand over your traitorous lips.Â
 âIâm sorry, this feels so unnatural to me.âÂ
âNo need to apologise, weâve all been there,â Thomasâs tone was earnest, void of any judgement and this quelled the pin-pricking sensation circulating through your extremities slightly. âHow âbout we read through the scene first so you have a better understanding of it. Shakespearean language can be a real bastard if youâre not used to it.â
You giggled at his jocose attitude, relief washing over you like a damp cloth. âI think that would help, thank you.â
From what you gathered the scene went as follows: Ophelia's father Polonius and her brother Laertes say their good-byes, consecutively warning her not to trust Hamletâs promises of love as well as ordering her not to see Hamlet again.Â
Although you still admired her performance, Thomasâs criticism of Cindyâs portrayal made much more sense now. Though Ophelia is famously driven to madness later on in the playâ accumulating in her untimely and equally ambiguous endâ at this stage of the story, she is merely a heartstruck girl observing the world through rose-tinted lenses.Â
âGood to go?â Â
âI think so.â
âAlright, everyone! Give it up forâŚsorry, whatâs your name?â
Your voice echoed with a newfound confidence and the crowd repeated it in a cheer. Perhaps you had been wrong, maybe you did like the spotlight, only youâd never given it the proper chance.Â
Mimicking Cindy, you adopted a higher pitch. Not shrill like the birds that resided outside your window each morning, but a pleasant touch of feminine; soft and delicate. You ambled across the stage, not in the same floaty manner she had employed but instead surefooted, conveying Opheliaâs clear-mindedness at this stage of the play. Unlike Cindy, however, you did not have the lines down, forcing you to take a slower approach. But this seemed to work in your favour, your slowed speech giving you plenty of opportunity to focus on your facial expressions, ensuring that they matched what was being described in the cues.Â
As your performance wrapped up and the adrenaline steadily receded, you couldnât resist fixating on Thomas in the crowd who gazed up at you as though you hung the moon and stars in the sky.Â
And for the first time at your godforsaken school, you felt seen.
v.
The hum of silence echoed in the Cameronâs dining room, encompassing the yellow walls in a damp sheen that refused to dry. Silver cutlery clinked against delicate porcelain, and as you picked away at your food, Rose smiled at you from across the table.Â
âSoâŚRafe tells us that youâre going to be in the schoolâs performance, what was the nameââÂ
âHamlet.â The blonde blankly interrupted, and you were surprised that he even knew that. âSheâs playing the girl who kills herself.âÂ
Ward hummed in interest, passing you the salad bowl. âThat's excellent news. Theatre was a thriving business in my generation but it seems to have become somewhat of a dying art. Good on you for keeping it alive.âÂ
âWell I didnât exactly plan on joining, it just kind of happenedââ
âSheâs got a thing for the main guy, Tobias or some shit, thatâs why she auditioned.â
âRafe!â He grunted as you nudged his shin, lips peeling into a provoking smirk at your scolding.Â
âYou gonna tell me Iâm wrong?â He teased with a venomous undertone only you seemed to register, and your eyes narrowed at him.
âI want to see, I want to see, whoâs this guy?â Sarah wheedled with her big brown eyes.Â
âShut up, SarahââÂ
âRafe! Do not speak to your sister that way.â Wardâs voice boomed like a deafening clap of thunder, and once his pulsating anger settled, a small cry erupted from Wheezie who tried to conceal her tears beneath a dotted napkin. Rose was quick to placate the young girl with promises of dessert, whisking her off into the kitchen but not before refilling her glass of chardonnay.Â
Once they were out of sight, Ward beckoned Sarah to clamber onto his lap, folding her small face into his broad neck before regarding his son with a scalding glare. âLook at what youâve done.â
The interaction was unsettling, to say the least, but not uncommon. Rafeâs lips pinched shut, suppressing a whimper. In the face of his fatherâs wrath, he would always detract from his usual tough persona, retreating into the shell of a wounded puppy. You didnât blame him. Ward could be cruel with no regard for the effect his words had on his son, and you loathed him for his blatant favouritism.Â
You reached for his hand underneath the table, intertwining the cold extremity with your own. He flinched at first, aggressively flicking his head toward you. But as you gave it a gentle squeeze he seemed to catch on to your intention and his body fell back into a relaxed state.Â
You tried to be there for Rafe as much as you could, but despite your efforts, the void left by an absent father was irreplaceable. You could only try your best, but sometimes you had to put yourself first, even if that meant neglecting the needs of those closest to you.Â
The production was a much bigger commitment than you initially thought. Rehearsals pulled you from classes multiple times a week and you began to worry that it could potentially detract from your other subjects. But as a young woman, the possibility of it reeling you from your scholarly responsibilities was not quite as concerning as it was that you felt you were failing at your duties as a friend.Â
It had been raining consistently for the past five days. Endless bouts of downpours during spring thickened the soil and left the air with an unpleasantly muggy tinge. You and Rafe slouched against the linoleum floors of the school gymnasium, slightly obscured from view by the red curtains of the wall-length window. He shut your concerns of being caught down by offering you a swig of whatever concoction heâd brought onto school premises.
âHow about instead of getting your tits in a twist about it, you have some.â
Classic Rafe.Â
But you did end up having some because as soon as he began ranting you knew it was necessary for your own mental wellbeing.Â
âYou better fucking be there âcause thereâs no way I can deal with all those old farts on my own.â Â
âAm I even invited?â You grimaced as the bitter taste invaded your tastebuds, eagerly handing the flask back, to which he condescendingly snorted.Â
A gathering with Ward and his highly esteemed guests could only entail boredom to a deadly degree. Even thinking about it made you yawn, but on the other hand, you would feel bad if Rafe had to endure it on his own. Â
âDad says you're more than welcome, he likes having you around,â He let out a small chuckle, ruffling his short bangs. âHe says you keep me sane like weâre an old married couple or some shit.â
At that, you couldnât help but barked out in laughter. âYeah right. Say we ever did hypothetically get married, one of us would probably end up killing the other.â
âYeahhh, probably.â
 He drank again, eyeing you scrupulously, and in that moment you wished you could climb into his brain to know what he was thinking. There was a brief awkward pause before you cleared your throat and asked, âWait, when did you say this was again?âÂ
âFriday, afterschoolâŚwhy?â
âShit, Rafeââ
âNah. You gotta be fucking kiddinâ me, again. They canât keep you after school on a Friday! Thatâs criminal.â
âI know, trust me I agree.â
âDonât go then.â He countered with a raised brow, testing you.Â
âI would If I could, you know that. But thereâs two weeks till the show, thereâs just too much to do.âÂ
âSure, whatever you say.â He lifted the silver cylinder back up to his lips, taking a long swig.Â
âRafe,â You sighed, trying to reason with him. âPlease donât be mad at me, Iâm sorryââ
You were cut off as the doors to the gym groaned, opening to reveal the last person you expected to see.
Thomas.Â
âOh, hey. Whatâs up?â He seemed surprised to see you, but even more surprised to see you with Rafe, eyes flickering between you with confusion.Â
âHi Thomas, we were just,â His attention flitted down to the flask, incriminating evidence that you quickly swept beneath Rafeâs folded leg, âUh, what are you doing here? Never took you as the sporting kind of lad.â
Shit, that was bad. As if Rafe was thinking the same thing, he snorted into his fist. You wanted to crumble right then and there.
Thomas seemed to find your comment amusing, however, bowing his head as he chortled. âDamn, itâs that obvious, huh? But nah, Iâm just tryna help Cindy find her phone. I would ask what you guys are up to, butâŚwell, I donât really wanna know.âÂ
âAh, well I hope she finds it. We didnât see anything, did we, Rafe?â
âNope.â He popped his âpâ when answering, and you frowned, unimpressed by his cavalier attitude. âHey man, why donât you join us?âÂ
Rafe tilted his head at Thomas in what would appear to the average eye as a friendly gesture but you knew better; he was up to no good.Â
âI would. But as I said, I gottaââ
âOh c'mon, Iâm sure she could do with the detox.â
âUhâŚâ
âIs that a yes?â He gestured toward you, âShe wonât mind. In fact, I think sheâd much prefer to hang out with you than meââ
Classic Rafe. You desperately waved your hands at Thomas, attempting to damage control before he had the opportunity to make the situation even more awkward. âDonât listen to him, heâs way too used to getting his way. Go if you need to.â
A brief glint of relief flashed across Thomasâs features, and like a rabbit caught in a tiff, he seized the opportunity you provided to flee. âYouâre right, I really ought to go. Thanks for the offer though, man. See you both around.âÂ
As soon as the doors clicked shut again, you wasted no time. Rafe didnât even attempt to defend himself against your slew of attacks, simply taking your weak hits for what they were.
âWhat the fuck was that?â You finally hissed out once youâd calmed down.Â
âWhat was what?â
âDonât be a moron, are you trying to embarrass me?âÂ
âOh, sorry for being a good wingman.â His shrug was insouciant, further frustrating you.Â
âWhat youâre being is a pain in my ass.âÂ
He didnât react to that in the way you expected. Generally, he found the humour in your insults, but this time a coldness you werenât accustomed to receiving glazed over his eyes.
âYou really like this guy, huh?â
âI donât know what youâre talking about.â
âCut the shit. Youâve only ever acted like this with that kid who proposed to you in the sandpit.â As you stood he sighed, realising you were refusing to engage in this conversation. âSo will I see you on Friday or not?â
âProbably not.â
âSee! I knew youâd rather hang out with him than me!â He shouted after you as you stormed off to your next class, gait regretfully swaying as the effects of Rafeâs concoction set in.
In the weeks leading up to the performance, things only became more hectic. If you were to get your cortisol levels tested the results would likely conclude abnormally high. To make matters worse, Rafe was mad at you. Topper and Kelce tried to assure you that he wasnât, but you knew better. He didnât respond to your texts, barely acknowledged your presence at school and hadnât invited you over in a week. All very abnormal behaviours as, while yes, he was an inherit dickhead, you were usually exempt from this.Â
So naturally, you did what any normal person in such circumstances would do; gave him the same treatment in return. Only acknowledging the damage his behaviour was inflicting upon you in furious scribbles in your lavender spiral diary.Â
You were having your costume fitted in the small dressing room adjacent to the auditorium. Cindy was booked for her appointment afterwards and in the meantime she lazed on the tattered purple couch in the corner of the room, scrolling through her phone.Â
A girl from the costume department examined the logistical functioning of your costume as there were a few instances in the performance where a quick change was necessary. Her vivacious red curls bounced as she turned the room upside down in search of her pins.Â
âOk then, youâre pretty much done. Iâll just have to hem the base so we adhere to theatre-safe practices and all that stupid shit they assessâŚâ She paused and eyed you over, tugging at the loose sleeve of your dress with a hum. âYou look so pretty, like a fairy.â
âThank you.â You bashfully smiled. She returned it before turning to the other girl in the room.
âCindy.âÂ
âHm?â
âCindy.âÂ
âWhat?â She snapped, tearing her gaze from her phone.Â
âWhat do you think?â
âI mean itâs alrightâ She shrugged, face peeling into a saccharine grin. âNot really your colour but you definitely suit rags.â
 You wouldâve burst out into laughter had you not been so shocked.
âNow I remember why I donât ask for your opinion,â The redhead rolled her eyes, shoving Cindyâs garment bag into her lap. âBe useful and get changed into this. Iâll get started on you in a moment.â
Once Cindy had left the room, she bowed her head apologising.Â
âIâm guessing youâre not her biggest fan?âÂ
âNot a fan, period.â She sullenly snorted. âSheâs a sanctimonious bitch who canât keep her nose out of other peoplesâ business.â
âSheâs pretty at least.â You tried to see the best in people, despite how difficult they made it for you.Â
âWell, thatâs about all she has to offer. Iâm Edie, by the way.â
And the rest was history.Â
Similarly to the majority of the cast and crew, Edie was in Rafeâs grade. And when she discovered (during your break on Friday rehearsals) that you knew the infamous blonde personally, you did not hear the end of it.
âYouâre friends with Rafe Cameron?â Her jaw fell open so quickly that you worried it would pop out of alignment.Â
âYeah, I mean we practically grew up together. Iâve spent half my life at his house.â
âYou go to his house?! Holy fuck, youâve been living my dream life like itâs nothing to you.â
âTrust me itâs not as good as you might think. He can be a real assââ
âHope youâre not talkinâ about me?â An arm suddenly snaked over your shoulder. The limb was heavy but warmâ comforting âand emanated a pleasant aroma. Thomas let his hair hang loose today, long ebony strands pirouetting over the surface of your skin when you glanced up at him.
âAh-ha not specifically, but I donât know, maybe it applies to you too.â
In true theatrical style, he sputtered out a choking noise, clasping onto his chest to imitate immense pain. âOuch. I think you just broke my heart.â
âOh really? I didnât realise Martians could feel pain.â
He gasped, and Edie chuckled at the interaction from beside you, shaking her head at your antics. âO-kay as cute as that was, can we please get back to the topic of Rafe.â
Thomasâs expression pinched in discomfort at the mention of the blonde and you recalled your last interaction with them both, inwardly cringing. âDoes he have a problem with me or something? I feel like he does.â
âWouldnât be surprising. Heâs always looking to have a problem with someone.â
âSeems to tolerate you though.â
âBarely,â He opened his mouth to respond but was beaten to it by a loud screech sounding out the syllables of his name. Cindy stood atop the stage, tapping her foot rhythmically against the solid wood with her arms crossed over her chest, not bothering to contain her lour.Â
âThomas!â her voice pierced across the auditorium again like one of those pesky drillers going off on a Sunday morning. âI want to go over the cues for this scene, câmon.â
âHey,â Edie halted him as he begrudgingly moved to acquiesce to her demand, âJust remember you have free will.â
âWell look how far thatâs gotten me.âÂ
You werenât sure what he meant by that, as though it were some cryptic message youâd been tasked to decode. He smiled, bidding you both goodbye with a simple wave and you paused for a moment, observing as he trudged away.Â
Edie cleared her throat and you were snapped out of your daze, returning to the present only to realiseâ with much dismay âthat your face had been donned with a damning grin. Her brow quirked and you knew what was coming.Â
âWhatâs that look for?âÂ
âSomething you wanna tell me?â
âUm⌠I donât think so?â Your voice came out in a pathetic squeak and you cleared it, although the damage had already been done.Â
âOh come on,â She scoffed with an omniscient smirk, âYouâre about as transparent as my granâs pantiesâŚYou like him.â
âNot you too.â You groaned, pivoting on your heels to take a seat in one of the rows of chairs furthest away from anyone else. If she wanted to have this conversation it was going to be out of earshot. Lest someone else managed to uncover your secret it would soon spread like wildfire. Her girlish giggle followed, and she saddled up beside you.Â
âThereâs no shame in it, babe. Tomâs a good guy, and you seem to get alongâŚbutââ
âBut what?âÂ
Her expression soured, as though the words on the tip of her tongue were full of bile. âOne thing you should know about Tom is that for many years, he had a thing for Cindy,â Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, âShe rejected and rejected him, and eventually he moved onâŚbut she didnât like that. Not one bit. But now it seems the tables have turned. Did you know she fucking hates theatre?â
âDoesnât seem that way to me.â You were prompted to glance up onto the stage where the two were currently rehearsing; she made it seem so effortless. How could she hate the things she was good at?
âExactly. Thatâs why sheâs so dangerous, she can keep up a good act.â
âI seeâŚâ This information shouldnât have unsettled you. The past was set in stone for a reason and it was only possible for it to be resurfaced if you allowed it to. But it did unsettle you. Cindy possessed a classic kind of beauty you werenât sure you could compete with. âSo do you think if she were to ever bring it up, he would go for her again?â
âHard to tell, with both of them. Iâm pretty sure itâs just a game to her, she likes the attention. But as for Thomas, I think heâs beginning to see things clearer now.â
You tilted your head, unsure of what she meant by that.
âHeâs not thinking with his dick.â She clarified bluntly, the crass wording making you gasp and then chuckle.
âRight. Good to know.â
Your phone vibrated from within your jeans pocket and you were surprised to see that it was Rafe calling you, considering youâd essentially gone with no contact for days. Assuming the worst, you excused yourself.
As you placed the phone to your ear you could only manage to make out a whooshing sound as though he were standing atop a viciously windy mountain. Then it stopped in tandem with what sounded to be like a string of expletives before he finally spoke.
âYooo, whatâs up? You coming?â Your brows furrowed at his elated tone. Last youâd checked, he was ignoring you.Â
âRafe, I already told you I can'tââ
âChill, it's fine. Got dumb and dumber to come over, keep me entertainedâ
âThe fuck you just call us?â Topper and Kelce both shouted in unison somewhere in the background. Aside from their outburst, you couldnât make out any other noise so you imagined theyâd locked themselves away from all the action with Ward and his friends. Rafe detested hanging out with the oldies.
âOK, good. Saves me from feeling bad. But are you alright, you sound a bitâŚâ Happy. The word you were grasping for was happy because you couldnât remember the last time heâd sounded so carefree.Â
âBetter than ever!âÂ
âAnd are we ok?âÂ
âYeahhh, youâre too cute to stay mad at for long.â
His response stifled you for a moment. âThatâs real funny, Rafe.â
But in the coming days, something told you this may not be the case.Â
Instead of avoiding you, Rafe wasnât even showing up to school anymore. You were worried he was still clinging onto the remnants of his unjust anger until you received another phone call at 2:30 am, the night before your performance.
âRafeâŚâ You rubbed the sleep from your eyes, voice groggy and disoriented as you checked the glaring red lines on your digital clock. âWhatâs wrong? Do you even know what time it is?â
âYeah, uh Iâm sorryâŚâ He sniffed. âIâm outside, can I comeâ ah actually yâknow what just come out front, will you?âÂ
You paused. On any ordinary occasion, youâd have told him to piss off, too tired and frustrated to entertain his larks. But a stab of concern reared its ugly head at his shakey toneâ this was very out of character. Â
âYeah, yeah of course. Iâll be out in a minute.â
It was a blisteringly cold night so you shrugged on a coat before trekking downstairs quietly, praying your parents werenât lying awake to witness you sneaking out of the house in the wee hours.Â
The front door scraped against the doormat as it opened. Rafe remained slumped against one of the white veranda pillars, motionless, as though he hadnât heard you. His breaths were heavy, and upon assessing him you frowned at the fact that he was merely clad in a thin polo shirt and khaki shorts.Â
â...Rafe?â You brushed your fingers gingerly across the wide expanse of his shoulders. He violently flinched, whipping around as though your touch was a burning affliction upon his supple skin. But his harsh reaction quickly softened when he saw it was just you.
 âShit, donât do that.â
âSorry.â You whispered, dragging your eyes from his head down to his toes, assessing for any injuries. His unmarred skin left you stumped and it was only when you honed in on his frantic gaze did the issue finally dawned on you.
âAre you high?âÂ
Your question seemed to strike a nerve. He scrunched his face within his hands, as though he were in pain.
âI donât know whatâs wrong with me, I-itâs like Iâm seeing shit and hearing shit and my head hurts so fucking bad.â He was reacting badly. âAnd all I could think about was seeing you.â
âDid you fight with Ward?â This time he didnât flinch as you grabbed onto his bicep, hoping to ground him.Â
âYeah, uh, yeah heâs justââ
âItâs alright, you donât have to explain that right now. Iâm here.â His burly arms engulfed you as he accepted your hug. You entangled yourself within his embrace, understanding that right now, all he desired was some comfort.Â
âThanks.âÂ
His voice was muffled by the position with his head stuffed into your shoulder. You gently tighten your hold in response, focusing on the rapid stuttering of his heartbeat which gradually slowed and levelled out into a calmer rhythm.  Â
What came next was like an inevitable chain of events: both of you pulled back at the same time and a frisson of confusion swept over you as he remained there, content with your noses practically intertwining. Although you werenât confused. No. You were evading the truth. The truth that had become crystallised at this moment, glistening so bright you could hardly ignore it.Â
One moment you were pinned to the spot by his sodden gaze, sporadically alternating between each region of your face. Mapping out each detail but notably lingering on your lips. Emotions raged within those viridian orbs like a violent coastal storm, threatening to destroy whatever stability you had left.Â
Then, as though it were natural to him, he met you in the middle.Â
Youâd never experienced anything like it, and any story youâd been told was not comparable. His lips were firm and demanding in a way that surprised you and there was not a single trace of hesitation in his movement, as though heâd been waiting for this moment for a long time.Â
Reality came crashing into you like a truck; you were kissing your best friend. The boy you bathed with as a child, who allowed you to snot into his sleeve as you wept and who vowed to protect you from the plight of men; It felt nice, but this sentiment was so heavily outweighed by the fact that it felt wrong.Â
This revelation ignited your dormant reflexes. As he began to paw at your lower back, you realised this had gone too far.Â
The rate at which you pushed him away stunned even you, and a wave of guilt ebbed through your system as his back collided with the pillar; you didnât mean to be so harsh, after all, he was already in a vulnerable state. He remained crumpled in that position, fingers ghosting over his lips as if he were attempting to savour the taste of your own.Â
âShit, I-Iâm always fucking up, Iâm sorry,â He cupped your chin, the action causing you to jerk. âSorry.âÂ
It unnerved how contrived his apology sounded, and you wondered if he could hear it too.Â
âUh-no no itâs ok,â Your body was frozen in a state of shock. âYou're all over the place,â Surely heâd brush this off as a mistake by morning. âlet's get you inside, yeah?â
His eyes glazed over your face once again, scrupulously this time, as though he were searching for something. He nodded when he didnât find it, seemingly wanting to say more as he brushed the back of his neck but he chose to remain silent as you led him inside.Â
It wasnât unusual for you to share a bed; youâd done so numerous times in the past. But it felt different now, like an invitation you were reluctant to hand out. You wanted to be there for Rafe, but you couldnât let him get confused.
So you lay there, keeping an appropriate amount of distance from the snoring blonde. If you acted normal, things would remain as they always had, right? Would it be swiped under the rug? Deep down you realised the implications of what had just occurred, and the potential for yourâŚbrief mistake to alter both of your futures. It was a classic tale, one youâd heard so many times (both in reality and fiction) it had burned deep into your psyche. A slow evolution between boy and girl, from friendship to beyond. But that didnât mean you'd end like that, you repeated it over and over again like a mantra.Â
You just couldnât.
So you lay there, deciding to enjoy this peaceful moment. Naturally, your mind drifts over it all: the play, Thomas, and Rafe beside you. All share a common denominatorâ pumping your life full of both excitement and stress.Â
But as the saying goes; all good things must come to an end.Â
vi.
Rafe experienced what you liked to call a reverse metamorphosis during your senior year.Â
Why reverse? Well, instead of transforming from a raggedy moth, expanding his wings to flourish as a butterfly, he took a drastic turn for the worse; as though heâd retreated into a slimy cocoon.Â
Not that heâd ever been exceptionally well-behaved throughout his schooling yearsâ busted for truancy more times than you could count, dabbling in all sorts of allusive substances among other nefarious things that you try not to dwell on âbut as a recent graduate privileged with all the resources needed to pave a bright future, you had at least expected heâd try.
Unfortunately, things didnât always pan out as you imagined they would.Â
If he wasnât drunk, or at least on the brink of it, then he was under the influence of some other powdery or herbal substance. Wasting his days away under the soft confinements of his bedding, recovering from late nights and remaining slumped against the toilet for the better half of his waking hours. Then heâd repeat the cycle, with absolutely no lessons learnt.Â
Sometimes youâd receive a call. Incoherent slurs that reminded you of that fateful night months ago, where lines were blurred and boundaries crossed. His drunken words held no meaning, right? Thatâs what you would tell yourself, like a mantra, over and over until your mind believed what it heard the most.Â
Nonetheless, you couldnât spend your whole life worrying about Rafe. Not when you had other, more imperative issues at hand.Â
Or⌠between your legs.Â
The nonsensical droning emitted from the food network on your TV fell on deaf ears as you sat perched on Thomas's lap. The weight of your knees was supported by cherry sheets and pink frilly pillows as your lips moved against his at a languid pace. It was soft, sensualâŚtame, but at the same time exhilarating, and you trusted Thomas to guide you through it.
He let out a low groan as your fingers absentmindedly tugged on his shiny locks. Much to your dismay, he recently cut his hair shorter than it's ever been; his new look attracted attention from those who previously dismissed him, and this stoked the flames of unease within you.
You lowered your position, leaning impossibly closer until your chest brushed against the flimsy cotton of his t-shirt. A jolt of electricity transmitted up your spine as his hands found purchase on your lower back, traversing dangerously low, and a soft whimper floated from your chest.
But as you were still discovering, the art of intimacy was much more complex than you initially believed, and you hadnât quite learnt how to toe the line.
Without thinking, your thumbs dipped into the waistline of his pants. Just barely tickling the surface, but enough to make Thomas jerk his head back, the hasty action subsequently halting your heated movements.Â
 âWhatâre you doing?â His voice was outlandishly thick as his breaths came out in heavy puffs, scented in confusion.Â
âI-i just thoughtâŚâ You sat back, feeling suddenly unmoored. âSorry, am I doing something wrong?â
âOf course not, just not right now, ok?â His deft fingers kneaded into your side, but their intended comforting effect did nothing to quell the pang of his rejection.Â
âSure.â You halfheartedly smiled, slipping off of his warm body to settle by his side.Â
Had you been as stiff as a board this entire time? And why was your bedroom becoming increasingly suffocating? As though the walls unanimously decided to close in and focus every second of awkwardness into one concentrated area.Â
âWanna watch a movie?â Thomas eventually broke the heavy silence, refusing to broach the elephant in the roomâ which you were thankful for.
Clearing your throat, you rolled out of your bed, pulling on a pair of fuzzy socks. âYeah, Iâll-uh get us something to eat. You choose the movie.â
Your relationship with Thomas had been smooth sailingâŚuntil it wasn't.Â
As you busied yourself slicing up a platter of fruit in the kitchen, you couldnât resist analysing each possibility as to why. Thomas was acting strangely. This wasnât an assumption, and it couldnât have been a coincidence that his change in demeanour always seemed to occur in your presence. So then what were you doing wrong? And why did he insist on keeping you in the dark?
Your train of thought came to an abrupt halt as you noticed an onslaught of notifications popping up on your phone. With an exasperated groan, you leaned over the bench to see who dared to disrupt your moment's peace.
Rafe. Could you get a break?
To: Princess Rafe đđÂ
Piss off Iâm busy.
You left it there, praying to any deity willing to lend you an ear that that would suffice. But clearly, youâd also managed to vex the higher beings, as his response was immediate:
From: Princess Rafe đđ
Iâm going 74 mph yet I take the time to talk to you đ
Yep. No break for you.Â
To: Princess Rafe đđÂ
???? Dude get off your fucking phone.Â
From: Princess Rafe đđ
Since you asked so nicely.
And if his cavalier regard for the law wasnât bad enough, his next message sent your jaw straight to the floor.
âNope. Not dealing with this.â You shoved your phone into your pocket, ignoring the buzz of a new notification, both for your sanity and Rafeâs safety.Â
When you returned to your room, Thomas had migrated to the carpet, perched atop a pile of decorative pillows youâd previously discarded onto the floor as he flicked through the pages of a familiar lavender spiral notebook.Â
You gasped, the realisation of what he was rifling through and slapping you right across the face.Â
âOh, hey.â He smirkedâ that sick, condescending bastard!
âSTOP!â You screeched, and his laughter verged on hysterical. âPut. That. Down.â
He swiftly dogged the stuffed animals you pelted in his direction, pouting derisively as you proceeded to storm towards him. âAw, why would I do that? I was just getting to the part where youâve described my scent. Lemon myrtle? Thatâs pretty specific, itâs actually muskââ
âThomas.â Your tone acquired a sharp edge, but clearly, he hadnât tortured you enough as he teasingly flicked to the newer entries. Â
âOh, and whatâs thisâŚâ His posture went lax, abruptly pausing. His wide eyes darted in between the lines as though the words were a mirage he was reluctant to put his trust in. Then his lips pulled down into a small frown, and your stomach clenched.Â
âWhat? Where the hell are you up to?â Your attempt to snatch at the book was fruitless as he kept it raised well above your reach. âWhaââ Â
 âAlright, Iâve had enough of this game for one night. Letâs watch the movie.â You stumbled to catch the book as he carelessly discarded it, pivoting around you as he flopped back onto the bed.
âOkayâŚbut donât make a habit of breaching my privacy.â Your laugh was intended to lighten the mood, but it seemed to have the opposite effect.Â
âWhy, got something to hide?â He sullenly spoke, staring at the ceiling. Again, the inexplicable tension had wormed its back into your room. It was like a stubborn parasite that adapted to its surroundings, never completely disappearing.Â
âNothing too damning Iâd imagine.â
The movie Thomas chose was a 20th-century romantic tragedy featuring many themes typical of that era such as misogyny and class which made your eyes roll. Your attention to the plot was continually hijacked as Rafe continued to flood your phone with messages, making it difficult to follow along with the plot. Youâd been in the middle of responding to one of his many texts (complaining about how some guy at a party was getting on his nerves) when the movie suddenly paused.
âMm, why'd you pause it?â You peeled your eyes from the screen to be met by Thomasâs blank ones.
âCan I ask you something? And I want you to just be honest with me, donât tell me what I want to hear.â
âUh, sure.â His quick transition into seriousness caught you by surprise, and your body tensed like a coiled spring.Â
âAlright look, I hate to be this guy,â His face scrunched into a grimace as he glanced anywhere but your eyes. âBut youâd tell me if there was someone else, wouldnât you?â
âSomeone else? What do you mean?â
He sighed, clearly frustrated. âLet me be more clear then. If you liked someone else, would you string me alongâŚor would you break things off?â
You couldnât believe what you were hearing, now twisting your body to face him with a scoff. âWho do you think I am, Thomas? I was the one who asked you out, remember? That wasnât on a whim, I did that because I liked you.â
âLiked?â
You groaned. Why was he making this so complicated?
 âLiked, like. What difference does it make? To me, this seems like you are trying to come to the conclusion you want to hear?â
âIâm not jumping to conclusions, just tryna test my hypothesis.â
âOkay, and whatâs that?â Probing information out of him was like bribing a kid with vegetables; fucking tedious.Â
âThat you care about Rafe more than youâre letting on, maybe more than you even realise.â
âWhat?â You almost laughed in disbelief. Where was this even coming from? âHeâs one of my best friends, wouldnât it be more concerning if I didnât care for him?â
âI never said you couldnât care about him to a normal degree, but he may as well be in the room with us! Itâs never just me and you, heâs always occupying your mind. Do you not stop to think about how that makes me feel?âÂ
He did have a point. Rafe was like a dog, constantly demanding your attention, and it had been that way since the day you met him. Still, you sat there in shock, realising he mustâve been bottling this up for some time now.Â
âI didnât mean- well alright if weâre suddenly being honest, half the time Iâm with you it feels like you donât even want me there.â
âWhat does that mean?â Now it was his turn to sound confused, offended even.
âYou confuse me! One moment youâre all over me and the next youâre pushing me away as though I make your skin crawl.âÂ
He paused, contemplatively digesting your words before his pretty features twisted into an indignant scowl. âSo does that excuse what you did? Because I donât show you enough attention?â
âWhat did I do?â You were at your witâs end.
âOh stop pretending like you donât know what Iâm talking about. I saw it, written in your pretty fucking handwritten;Â you kissed him.â
Oh. Shit. Of all entries, it was that one he had to have read; which did not paint the clearest picture of that night. You got halfway through documenting what had happened before stopping right at the point when you realised it was wrong, no longer feeling in the mood to relive the momentâŚno wonder he was furious.Â
âItâs not what you think.â You internally cursed yourself for how cliche that sounded.Â
âNo? Enlighten me then.â He sat up straight like a judge awaiting your testimony from a convicted criminal.Â
âRafe has issuesâŚokay. Stuff at home, and heâs never known how to cope on his ownââ
âOh right, so thatâs where you come into play. Are your lips like some magical cure for interpersonal issues?â He queried cynically.Â
âWould you shut up and listen!â This time, he reared back at your outburst, âThat night he was really out of it. Iâm talking delirious, like some rabid dog. He kissed me, not the other way round, and I stopped it because it didn't feel right⌠and because I liked you.â
You could see the cogs churning in Thomas's mind as he absorbed your words, taking the time to process each one. With a gentle gaze, he met your eyes, his expression softening into an apologetic smile.
 âI see. This all happened before we got together?âÂ
âYes, of course it was before. I would never do something like that to you,â His drop in hostility spurred you to lean forward, dragging his warm limbs into your embrace, âI promise.âÂ
Surely this would be the end of it. It had to be. Everything was out in the open, and miscommunications cleared. But when you pulled back, his guilty grimace told you otherwise.Â
âThereâs something else I have to tell you.â
vii.
Ring.Â
Ring.Â
Ring.Â
Ring.Â
Another fervid sob was ripped from your maw. You burned from within, rife with malice clawing up your raw oesophagus till it was raw and prying through your lips in ugly bated breaths. You allowed a moment to pass before trying again.Â
Ring.Â
Ring.Â
Ring.Â
âŚ
âYou ignore my fuckinâ texts and now you wanna talk.â
âRafe,â Your cracked voice butchered the syllables of his name, sounding almost unrecognisable. Pathetic. âCan I see you?â
Not even 10 seconds later a notification appeared on your phone. Heâd shared his location, some vaguely familiar residence on the outskirts of your neighbourhood.Â
âWhatââ
âIâll see you soon.â
Being vulnerable wasnât your forte, nor was it Rafeâs, and there was no doubt he was currently perplexed by your sudden change of heart. But tonight, you needed someone. And thatâs how you found yourself stepping into a stranger's house at 12:45 am, scouring the misty rooms in search of a familiar burly figure.Â
A low whistle piqued your attention. Topper emerged from the kitchen as you were passing by, two red solo cups in his possession. âDidnât expect to see you here, not that Iâm complaining.â
His eyes quickly swept over your frame, the respectful gentleman he was. You couldnât contain your scoff. Even in black track pants and a muted pink top⌠guys really could be attracted to anything as long as it walked on two hind legs.Â
âBit cliche, donât you think, Top.â You retorted with a halfhearted snort, gesturing to the cups. What was this, a freshman's first house party?
He rolled his eyes, extending one to you. The nefarious liquid sloshed over the rim and you shook your head. âUh, no Iâm good, thanks.â
He fixed you with a pointed look. âIt looks like you could use it.â
With a huff, you snatched the cup from him, to which he chuckled. âI hate how youâre always right.â
He began to ferry you toward Kelce and their gaggle of friends who huddled around a small coffee table in the living room, passing a clumsily rolled joint between them. When Kelceâs wide-set brown eyes landed on you, he abruptly stood, knocking the table's contents in doing so as he manhandled you into his side.Â
âHowâs my favourite girl doing?â
He balanced the joint between two fingers, residual smoke clung to his body in a damp sheen. Your eyes watered as you suppressed a cough, âFine, until I caught a whiff of you.â
âCâmon, nothing takes the edge off like a good toke.â He waved it in front of your face, an offer, snorting as your face contorted into a grimace.Â
âAs great as that sounds,â You pushed his arm off its perch on your shoulder with a bitter smile. âIs Rafe here?â
âYeah, pretty sure he went upstairs.â His hand absentmindedly flicked toward the staircase and you quickly excused yourself before they could become too attached to your presence.
The ambience upstairs was much more quaint than below, mainly consisting of couples who split off from their respective groups. A few were making out, some others collapsed asleep on the furnished floorboards; typical party antics reminding you as to why you generally avoided these places.Â
The walk from your house had cooled your system, remedying your flighty instincts ever so slightly. This you were thankful for, as upon opening the final door along the lengthy hallway, you were met with Rafeâs determined gaze, and you knew he would demand answers.
âBeen messaging you.â The mattress creaked as he lifted his weight off its surface. His gait was straight and steady, and this was perhaps the closest to sober youâd seen him in a long time.
âI know, I just wanted to see you in person.â Despite your best efforts, the burning of your eyes became so overbearing and you fought to hold back the overwhelming emotions coursing through your veins. It was like the moment someone asks if you're okay when it's obvious you're not, the floodgates open and emotions come crashing down around you in an unrelenting wave.
âHey hey hey, what the fuck happened to you?â He rushed over, forcing you to face him with a firm grip on your shoulders.Â
âIt doesnât matter.âÂ
âThe fuck it does,â His hands rubbed over his face exasperatedly as though he were controlling the urge to be rougher with you and extract an answer forcefully. âYou canât call me all hysterically crying and shit then give me nothing. Did someone hurt you? Did Thomas do something?â
The mere mention of his name sent you spiralling even further. âAlright, come on, sit down.â Rafe didnât give you much of an option, dragging you to the bed in an iron grip and then forcing you onto the black sheets as he sat beside you.Â
âWhat happened?âÂ
âItâs Thomas.â You affirmed solemnly.Â
 âIâll kill him.â He seethed through his teeth and your head violently shook.Â
âNo, no I wonât tell you if thatâs how youâre gonna respond.â He went to ark up but you interrupted him before he had the chance. âRafe, I'm serious.â
âIâll decide for myself once you tell me.â
With a heavy sigh, you finally conceded. âDo you remember that one girl from my theatre club? The diva one?â
âWho?âÂ
âCindy! Blonde hair, beautiful. She was in your year level.â
Rafeâs brows furrowed in confusion. âI seriously donât know who the fuck that is.â
âWhatever, it doesnât matter. Anyway, before me and Thomas startedâŚdating, I found out he had a thing for her for quite some time.â
âSo?â
âJesus- just let me finish!â He reluctantly relented, nodding for you to continue. âSince youâre so impatient, Iâll tell you the short version: Thomas stopped liking her then me and him started dating. He thought we had something going on secretly and confided in CindyâŚthen he used that to justify sleeping with her.â
The silence that followed was like dust settling back onto the road; static but still very much disturbed.Â
âWhat.âÂ
âThereâs nothing else to say.â You croaked, dabbing your sodden eyes on your sleeve.
Not a moment later he shot up, pacing back and forth a few times before submitting to the battle raging in his head and storming toward the door. âRafe, no you promised meââ
âI didnât promise you shit!â He whipped back around to face you, face wild with fury. âThat motherfucker is gonna get whatâs coming for him!â
âRAFE.â His cheeks were ablaze as you cupped them in your hands, eyes darting around sporadically as though he were high on adrenaline. âPlease, I need you right now. What happens next is for another time. Let it rest.â
His nostrils flared as he finally met your eyes. You pulled him closer, sensing your words were having an effect, softly whispering another pleaâ and it was like deja vu when his lips met yours for the second time. Only it wasnât. As he pressed himself firmly against you, unyielding in his advance, you realised this was truly happening again⌠and to your horror, it felt nice.Â
In fact, you didnât want it to stop.Â
In the time youâd been together withâŚThomasâŚthe intimate experiences you shared allowed you to act with heightened confidence, no longer feeling the need to skittishly paw at his chest like a bunny caught by the big bad wolf. Now you moved with your own validity, placing your hands upon his taut chest and following the pace he set.Â
His palm suddenly clamped down on your ass and you gasped into his mouth, surprised. Thomas was a respectful lover, never so daring, but Rafeâs impulsivity stirred a concoction of excitement and nervousness within your belly.Â
He took this window of opportunity to dip the tip of his tongue into your mouth. Testing the waters at first, and when you showed no signs of disapproval, delving full throttle. âShit,â He groaned, using his grip on your lower half as leverage to guide you backwards.Â
Your libidinous scrambled brain only registered his intention when the backs of your knees came into contact with the bed, instigating your loss of balance. A pathetic squeak floated from your throat as you fell onto the soft confinements of whoever's sheets these were.Â
Rafe didnât hesitate to slot himself between your parted knees, crawling over your limp body like a predator readying itself to ravage a meal. His head dipped into the crevice of your neck, planting strategically placed kisses and sucking on the tender flesh, subsequently sowing the seeds of your growing excitement.Â
But as he remained in that positionâ feverish palms exploring your clothed body, hot enough to burn through the fabric âyour heart began to race. Why did you feel a shudder of anticipation run down your spine? What if he were to stop and really look at you? Why were you scared?
It wasn't until he gained the confidence to explore the curve of your body beneath the fabric that you jolted back into reality, your heart racing and breath catching in your throat.
âWait!â He peeled himself off of you with an expectant look, blown pupils peeved by your interruption. âIâve, uh-... never done this before.â
You whispered it, timorously, ashamed even.Â
You were expecting rejection, after all, that was the only response you ever received from Thomas. What you werenât expecting, however, was his lips to twitch up in a haughty smirk, his desire for you not faltering whatsoever. You would even go as far as to say that the gleam that appeared in his eyes indicated that he found this revelation rather pleasing.Â
âYou trust me?âÂ
Your nod was automatic like a reflex, saving you from mulling over the question too deeply. In response he sat back on his thighs, swatting away your hands which had fallen to your stomach (perhaps subconsciously attempting to create a separation between the two of you) allowing him to slide your loose shirt above your navel and then over your chest, the material bunching around your neck. He marvelled at the exposed skin, tentatively brushing over your stomach causing you to squirm at the new sensation.Â
âThen lay back and relax, sweetheart.âÂ
From then on, the sequence of events was a blur; a tangle of limbs and a symphony of noises all coming together to form an incoherent memory.Â
Your shirt was the first to come off, followed shortly by his. Rafeâs bare chest was nothing you hadnât seen before, but in this context, your vision was obscured by a rose tint. His sculpted biceps flexed as he worked on tugging your pants down and you couldnât help but notice the way he tucked his lower lip between his teeth in concentration or the dewy sheen covering his skin.Â
It was akin to looking into a kaleidoscope for the first time and not knowing where to cast your gaze.
âIf he thinks he can hurt you like this,â His firm lips danced across your throat.âThen heâs got another thing coming.âÂ
He spoke in a harsh growl, hooking his fingers beneath the straps of your bra and dragging them down in one sweeping motion.Â
You squeaked in shock, heat blossoming beneath your cheeks at the abrupt exposure of your tits. Your tingling nipples quickly began to harden, and you werenât sure if this was due to the draft slipping through the slightly ajar window or the firm attention Rafe was paying to your flesh.Â
Nonetheless, your arms instinctively twitched upwards, preparing to cover yourself from his prying eyes. He anticipated this, however, promptly collecting your wrists and pinning them beside your head.Â
âDonât, donât do that.â His voice exploded into a vehement tone. âI donât even remember who that bitch is, let alone what she looks likeâŚthink thatâs saying something.âÂ
Before your short-circuiting brain could formulate a response, his lips descended upon your chest, laving at one of the sensitive buds before sucking on it harshly. Your body reacted viscerally, flailing at the newfound stimulation. You mewled, squirming, as he pulled away with a breathless chuckle.
âSee what a girl like you does to a man.â He forced one of your hands down to his boxers. Your eyes widened as you felt how hard he was, and you let out a soft gasp as he throbbed around your palm.
âFeel that? Yeah, thatâs all you baby.â
âRafe, pleââ Your breath hitched as his knee drove forward, the delicious pressure nudging into your clothed core.Â
âGo on, I want to hear you say it.âÂ
âPleaseâŚâ
âAlready speechless? Thatâs cute.â His words had you shrinking in on yourself, trying to flee from the heat radiating off his body. âItâs alright, I know what you need.â
While your racing thoughts kept you occupied (as well as demanding lips), you were oblivious to the fact that Rafe had removed his knee from between your legs, opting to slink his deft fingers inside the flimsy cotton of your underwear. That was, of course, until you felt something foreign swiping against your most sensitive area, teasingly prodding at the tight entrance. You flinched, shuddering beneath the unfamiliarity of his touch.
âIâm gonna fuck you now, is that okay?â
Your head bobbed up and down ardently, voice tiny and breathless and he grinned. âOk.â
âOkay then.âÂ
Your body fell in and out of consciousness, wrecked from a night filled with both pleasure and anguish. When you finally woke up, it was well into the night. The heavy breaths falling onto you from behind drowned out the eerie silence of the house. A gust of wind howled through the night sky, and your naked form shivered as the cold managed to slither beneath the sheets.
Rafeâs arm laid heavy across your waist. Anchoring you down as thoughâ even in sleep âhe was paranoid youâd slip away. You carefully lifted his arm, halting as his breathing accelerated before replacing your warmth with a pillow.
The first step went surprisingly smoothly⌠but that mustâve been a fluke as what came next was nearly debilitating.Â
An aching pang shot up between your legs, sharp and sudden. You gasped, clutching onto the bed frame for support. The sensation wasnât extremely painful, rather unpleasant and even worse it acted as a punishing reminder of the choices youâd made tonight.Â
What you just did. Â
Fumbling around the floor on all fours was equally deplorable and you now understood what others meant when they described the after-fact as a âwalk of shame.âÂ
You eventually located your pants, desperately patting them down to find your phone. The screen flashed on when you pulled it out of the pocket and you hissed as the harsh light penetrated your retinas, a dull throb settling between your eyes.
There was a flurry of texts from Thomas. Apologies, explanations, and pleas for a response. Heâd left your house without much resistance earlier in the evening as you cried for him to do so, but it seemed he wasnât giving up on you so easily.Â
Your heart clenched painfully, and it was as though all of the synapses in your brain fired at once;Â What have you done?
A pool of saliva formed within your mouth, stomach suddenly churned. You stumbled across the floor, making a beeline for the ensuite as your throat heaved. In a matter of seconds after collapsing on the floor before the toilet, you were vomiting into the bowl. Violent hurls that only subsided once you were completely empty.Â
Could you be any more putrid?Â
The facet rasped as you turned it, a steady flow of water filling the bathtub as you rinsed out the vile taste in your mouth. It was bitingly cold as you slowly lowered each aching limb into the water, sighing in relief as your body acclimatised and began to relax.Â
When you were on the cusp of sleep once again, you started cleaning yourself. Scrubbing your skin raw with soapy suds until the water turned a sickening pink and you felt sick for the second time that night.Â
You dipped below the water and watched as bubbles rose to the surface.
viii.
Everything was becoming surreal.Â
In half an hour your given moniker would be permanently altered. It was the âessence of your identityâ your mother would say, but youâd never been particularly sentimental about it. This likely stemmed from your childhood, as in the mind of a little girl, it was only a means to an end. You used to long for a prince mounted upon a dark stallion to come and sweep you off your feet with promises of a perfect future; all that was required in exchange was a simple change of your name.Â
Of course, reality hit like a truck when you learnt that there werenât enough princes around for each little girl in the world. But still, perhaps your expectations had been too high.Â
Mrs. Hughes.
Mrs. Hughes.
Mrs. Hughes.Â
There was a certain ring to it that you couldnât quite pinpoint, similar to when you found a puzzle piece that looks right, but it isnât the exact fit. Â
After kicking everyone out of the room, youâd spent the last fifteen minutes distracting yourself by mulling over your appearance. The seamstress did everything she could to preserve the original cut of the dress but was ultimately forced to make it backless due to the inflexible time constraint.
Despite the reassuring gushes youâd received from the bridesmaids, you couldnât help but feel exposed. The material that once clung taut against your curves now flowed freely in all its feathered glory, displaying the tender expanse of your back to all those who cared to witness.Â
A firm knock reverberated off the oak door and your lips pinched down in a small frown; youâd been explicit in your desire to be alone.
You cracked the door ajar, bewildered to be met with the familiar blue orbs of the eldest Cameron upon peeking out into the hallway. His pale blue suit was neatly pressed and tailored to his body, a black bow tie complimenting the look, making him appear youthful.
â...What are you doing?â You whispered incredulously, glancing to each side of the empty corridor.
He flashed you a grin, holding up a long-neck bottle with a pretty red ribbon wrapped around it like a noose. âWanted to say my congratulations. Iâm guessing youâll be a bit tied up later on.â
âYouâre not supposed to be here,â His head tilted to the left in confusion and you sighed, âItâs bad luck.â
He hummed, smirk grew patronising as he deadpanned; âI thought that rule only applied to the groom?âÂ
âIs this for me?â You chose to ignore his previous remark, gesturing to the bottle he still held in his possession.Â
âYeah. Rose wanted to give it to you herself but she was more than happy to let me do so when I offered.â You knew what he was hinting at; she missed having you around to keep her stepson in line. You didnât know why you were surprised, it was in the Cameron's DNA to stoop to sly tactics.
"Mind if I come in?" Your reluctance mustâve been evident by your unwavering grip on the door. He rolled his eyes, voice now tinged with a touch of condescension. "Câmon. One last hurrah, thatâs all I ask for."
What can five minutes hurt? Then hopefully heâll leave you alone for the rest of the night. âAlright, fine, but make it quick.âÂ
You clicked the door shut, aimlessly lingering by the window as he lined up two of the clean champagne glasses left over from the earlier celebrations. The side seams of his suit tapered around his shoulders, extenuating the strain of his muscles and they rippled beneath the fabric. You averted your gaze, choosing to fix it on a lone swan floating out on the lake instead.Â
âThought I should say,â He turned to face you as he removed the cork with surprising ease, the stopper not even popping as it was released. âYou look beautiful.âÂ
You snorted, brushing over a crease in the thick curtain. âThatâs just custom speaking.â
He seemed genuinely miffed by your comment, mouth hanging open with a small huff. âThat right there is proof that no one takes me seriously, I mean it.â
âWell thanks, I appreciate it. I did end up fitting into the dress so, guess I proved you wrong.â
His brows furrowed as the cardinal liquid poured into the glass. âDonât tell me you took that to heart? I was just fuckinâ with you.â
âYeahhhh, I know.â
He brought the two glasses over by the stem, passing the one which was filled exceptionally fuller to you.Â
âGoing easy?âÂ
âDesignated driver.â He affirmed, leaning against the opposite side of the window frame.Â
Your mouth opened, a soft âahâ flicking off your tongue. âI must say Iâm surprised and impressed.â
With a humoured scoff, his eyes rolled to the back of his head. âAlright, itâs your special day, what are we toasting to?â
You stilled for a moment, scouring your mind for something appropriate to say. When it came to you, you grinned: âMay you be in heaven a full half-hour before the devil knows youâre dead.â
He hummed in approval before extending his arm to meet your glass somewhere in the middle.
âCheers to that.â You said in unison, falling silent as you downed the entirety of your drinkâ it was your day after all, so fuck it, you were going to need some liquid courage to make it through the coming hours.Â
The drink was shockingly sweet, oozing down your throat like a hot teaspoon of honey and you grimaced. âWhat is this?âÂ
Rafe shrugged, placing his untouched glass down. âSome guy who distils it himself. Disgusting, right?â
âThatâs an understatement.â     Â
Words died in the air between you, lost and forgotten as a thick silence surrounded you both. The energy within the room grew dense, tensions steadily simmering and only increasing in intensity. You squirmed in your position, noticing as Rafe grew fidgety; something was dancing on the tip of his tongue, ready to be released.Â
âRemember when I told you that your mum was worried âbout you?â
â...Yeah.â How could you forget, his drunken induced admission which soon followed still haunted your psyche.Â
âWas-uhâŚwas any of that true about you acting strangely?â
âYour timing is truly impeccable.â Any of the previous lightness was sponged from your tone, replaced by defensive shrill which was painful to your own ears.Â
âIâm just sayinâ, itâs good to get this shit out in the open before everything is finalised, donât you think?â He began to gesticulate with his hands, flapping motions which were distracting.Â
âThereâs nothing to âget out.â Iâve had my doubts, but thatâs normal. My mind is clear now.â You stated firmly, struggling to believe that he would have the audacity to question your decision just as it was about to come to fruition.Â
âIs it?â His words carried a soft almost sympathetic note, as though you were a child and he was trying not to upset you.Â
âIs it what?âÂ
âIs it normal to have doubts? I mean that reaction before didnât seem very convincing to me.âHe let his breath out in a soft sigh as your gaze remained defensive, backed into a corner like pitiful prey. âYou see what this is telling me? That you donât know how to make a decision thatâs good for you.â
Your head was reeling, throbbing as the lights intensified, the artificial brightness causing you to squint. You were struggling to think, let alone formulate a sentence. All you could conjure up was a childish response: âShut up, shut up.â
The room tilted as you abruptly stood, staggering forward like a limp doll. You were on a rollercoaster, extremities weighed down by the impressive force of gravity. Rafe caught you before you could collapse, supporting your nape against his chest. Confusion ebbed through your veins as you clung to him, a delicate whimper falling from your lips.
âSteady now.â
âWhaâŚâ Your heart thumped realising how slurred your speech had become.Â
His hand drummed along the exposed skin, shushing your protests. âIt's okay,â a soft and hungry whisper. He drew the zipper down. An expanse of naked, supple skin awaited. A fresh carcass, ready for the taking.Â
âI'm prepared to make that decision for you.â
337 notes
¡
View notes