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kicking-mushrooms · 1 year

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I’m going to casually scream into the void, for old time’s sake.

There has been a lot that has happened since I last journaled in here. I’ll try to do a quick summation over the past 5 years, to the best of my ability. Nobody fucking reads my posts, so this is mostly to have a place I can write about without worrying about it being lost because my computer crashed and so my hard drive has to be been wiped. I could post this on a google doc, but that feels weird for some reason. I guess I like the idea of potential comradely? I’m not entirely sure….

I remember being mostly active here during high school, so this is everything that happened since graduating.

Trigger warnings: mentions of Ab*se and R*pe

I had a singular close friend, and ruined that relationship because of mental health issues I didn’t understand.

Turns out I have ADHD and Autism, and I struggle with mood regulation. I won’t start anti depressants until a year or two later, which help stabilize my mood IMMENSELY. Starting them made a lot of my anger slip away. However, it won’t be until around 2020-ish that I even find out about emotional dysregualtion or executive dysfunction. I won’t be able to get an ADHD assessment until 2022

Ahhhh. I deeply regret the way I acted. I think about it a lot. I hope she’s doing well in life

I was…. Very lonely, and angry for a while.

The timeline for this part is very foggy…. I know I was extremely depressed. I resented my friends for being more successful than me, and I also felt trapped. I didn’t have a driver’s license, or a parent who helped me at all. Everyone else was supported, and had a future. I felt so…. Trapped

I know I stayed with my mom in a little room above someone’s garage….. and I some point I was homeless and staying at a friends place…. But I cant recall where that lies chronologically

my mom started dating someone and basically abandoned me for him. She dumped me off at her uncle’s and aunt’s place.

BOY HOWDEY were they are SUPER toxic, and casually made jokes about how they emotionally abused their kids. They were also chain smokers, and being around them was hard on my health. There was never any food in the house because they lost their apatite from smoking. I lived entirely on a singular lunabar a day :) They also didn’t drive (much) because they were both disabled and retired. This was a problem all on its own because I still didn’t have a license, and they couldn’t teach me. For context: They live in a trailer in the middle of boonfuck nowhere. There weren’t even any buses in that area.

They also talked about sex a lot, which made me uncomfortable because they’re grandparents??? And hearing your granddad talk about “getting fucked in the ass” as a joke is really weird. It could just be compounded since I was also sex repulsed, so it made me extremely uncomfortable.

My mom was visiting them, when suddenly the new dog my gruncle took in attacks me.

The dog was apparently an abused rescue that my Gruncle wanted to rehabilitate. The dog had already bitten him twice at this point…. I still can’t believe that it took a large ass Saint Bernard ripping chunks from my arm before my mom did anything…..

I dressed up as John Egbert at a Halloween dance, and made a friend

I have since lost contact with them, because I am too socially inept to send a message 😭 Anyways, she invited me to go to an anime convention at that time, which I accepted because I had absolutely no friends around me. At the convention, I met some other people that I became friends with! I hit it off with two of them particularly well. I’ve loss contact with both at this point, for different reasons. One of them started dating an emotionally abusive bigot, and started changing for the worse ….I think about them a lot

At some point, I saved up enough money and bought myself my own god damn driver’s ed

I will never not be bitter that I had to do this. Family did provide a car…. Which was because mother’s husband had a great uncle who died, and so they gave me his old car.

My friend asked for my help to move into Austin

My mom’s boyfriend reaction to this was to have his own kid move into the room I was staying in :)

Guess I live in Austin now

My friend let me co-sign, and we started dating…. This was the first person I ever dated seriously! And was it HELL. They turned out to be EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE AF. On the bright side, I was able to deal with a lot of body dysphoria I have, and also my sex repulsion. I still hate the sound of kissing, and anything like it, but that turns out to be a weird ADHD thing so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what can you do

Also learned what an Empath is from him!

I started working at CVS, which was right down the road from where I lived

If you are thinking about working there… don’t!

I was there for a year, I think?

When the lease was up, I had no friends and nowhere to go. I had to resort to Craigslist. Oh! And my credit card info got stolen! The paycheck I had just gotten the day before was GONE. All I had to eat was a couple of saltine crackers to last me for two weeks until my next paycheck

My mom gets married (June 9th, 2016 at least according to the photos on my phone)

This is the anxious man my mom abandoned me for, and he also basically forces her to drop me for him. Mmmm I foresee an unhappy marriage Spoilers: it is

….Chanthony

So, I found a place! And it was a hell all its own. He was/is a fucking NIGHtMARE to deal with. I’m pretty sure he has undiagnosed Autism, but he definitely has untreated depression and anxiety. To get a good idea of what he is like - when he was looking for a roommate, he wasn’t ACTUALLY looking for a roommate. He was looking for a manic pixie dream girl to fix him. He thought that would help, instead of actually taking medication.

Right off the bat, his apartment was infested with fleas. I diligently took care of it myself, and ended up investing a decent amount of money and a whole LOT of time. I had to shave my cat, Jada! He would go into these depressive states and wouldn’t clean…. Anything. The sink and counters would be overflowing with moldy pans and plates. There were soda cans everywhere, full of cigarettes. Absolute ton of laundry everywhere. The worst was actually his dog. His dog was greasy and PUNGENT. I fucking cleaned the SHIT out of that apartment, and even invested in an IQair purifier. That bitch EXPENSIVE, but BOY was it worth it! The smell was gone after a few days of it running. It also helped prevent my migraines from him smoking weed inside, despite him saying he wouldn’t. Asshole never even recognized my hard work. He insisted I did it for myself. Like, yeah, to a degree? But if it was for just me, I wouldn’t have deep cleaned and organized the whole apartment. I figured that a clean environment would help with his depression, if only a little. Ironically, I was trying to help him like he romanticized but he was to self sabotaging to see it

If it was just mess, I could deal with that no problem. I would help deep clean this semi-retired lady who would walk to my work. I also did this for a “friend” of mine (Tangent: That friend would FREQUENTLY bail on me while we were hanging out for Tinder dates. Then got pissy and avoided me for months when I stayed with a friend after I was in between places because my lease ended? ?? That still baffles me to this day) I’ve got depression, I get how it be sometimes. What bother’s me is his attitude. He would vacillate from putting me on a pedestal and go on about all that I do for him, to complaining about how I wasn’t doing enough.

He was very much a “Nice Guy” who thought that being someone’s friend meant that they were courting, and that by not dating I was leading him on. Things like going to the grocery store together were dates to him. He would give me things I didn’t even ask for, and expect shit from me afterwards. He even asked for Christmas gifts back after I moved out. He would manipulate what I said into his favor. He also kept making the ultimatum that if I didn’t date him, then “All this goes away” and we had to stop being friends. Which, considering that I am his roommate and he sleeps in the living room, it felt like blackmail!

Arguing with him was so frustrating. He would try to manipulate what I said into his favor, or made blanket statements to discount anything I said. He mocked my opinions, and disregarded my boundaries - which the arguments were usually about. His most common response for not stopping something after I say no, or more likely repeatedly saying no/stop, was because I was smiling…. Even though I worked retail, and I frequently smile when I am pissed because of this. He ignored my gender identity. He even used my it to try to make sexual advances? “Oh, you don’t believe in gender? That it’s fine if I come in there and change my clothes with you” Just because I recognize our gender biases based on our society, doesn’t mean that they’re no longer there. He made me so DEEPLY uncomfortable, that I would just crawl in through the window when I got home to avoid him. I have never hated going home as much as when I stayed with him. It wasn’t just me, either. Jada even tried running out the door when I came home once. She hid a lot while she was there. Unless I was around, then she would hide under the blanket, behind my legs.

It’s been 5 years, and he STILL stalks me on social media and harasses my mom to try to talk to me. I think he has messaged me on almost every platform at this point, including PINTEREST. FUCKING PINTEREST. He also will make new accounts just to message me, because I keep blocking him.

On the bright side, I got to see firsthand some of my own toxic traits reflected back at me. I have a feeling I acted a lot like Chanthony did towards my mom, and I can understand not wanting to sacrifice your own mental health for someone else. You are not a therapist, and no matter what you do, it won’t help. They have to recognize it, and want to change.

I think I got a sublet after a Chanthony (Sept-??? 2017)

I was only there for a few months. It smelled like cat piss. I cleaned it, and the original tenant I was leasing under apologized and sent a care basket :)

I didn’t have a car during this time, so i had to take the bus…. Which is all well and good, except that the closest stop was over an hour walk away

I got a girlfriend! (Dec-ish 2017 to ???)

It was…. Interesting! It was nice while it lasted… There was an age gap. I think I was 22, and she was 19. It was only a few years, but I could feel the age difference. If that makes sense? She just seemed young. Not in the youthful sense, but in the “ah, you still have some mental development to do :| “ She had a lot of trauma that she didn’t get into, and was very cryptic about. She also had an emotionally abusive mom that she idolized, which is very unfortunate. For many reasons. One of the things she imitated was from her mom was quick to cut you off, or ignore you at the least, when she was upset.

She caused a lot of damage to me emotionally, because she was my only friend at the time and she just…. dumped me, and completely cut off contact. It wasn’t even that long until she asked to date again. Maybe a month or so? but it wasn’t the same. Abandonment is a big issue of mine, so I was pretty broken after all was said an done. I couldn’t even get closure the first time. I tried asking, and got berated by her on-and-off again friend.

I think about her sometimes… mostly out of curiosity. Both because she was a great opera singer, and because I hope she realizes how toxic her mom is and grows to be her own person instead of what her mom wants her to be

Another new place

My roommates and I didn’t really get along….. Specifically the homeowner, who lived in one of the rooms. She was HELLA privileged. The house she lived in was a gift from her family, and she worked maybe 5 hours a day. That, alone, isn’t why I didn’t like her. Sure, I was envious, but I’m not gonna dislike someone because of that. She just was ignorant about anyone outside of herself. It was obvious she wanted to live alone. She was so bothered by everything everyone did, and was so blind to her own mess. She would get upset that I wouldn’t sweep, despite me cleaning her messy ass kitchen when I would get home from work. I doesn’t help that I also just… can’t see dirt on the floor very, thanks astigmatism. Though, the times I did, it turned out to mostly be her own dog’s hair, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Even so, I was struggling with taking care of myself at the time. I was suffering from SEVERE depression because I had been dumped, my godmother got diagnosed with cancer (and I got a vague message from her about giving up, and I thought she was going to kill herself, and freaked TF right on out), and I had lost my car. So cleaning the kitchen when I made meal prepped was the most I could do….

Even if that wasn’t the case, she was just hard me to be around. Very passive aggressive, and a lot anxiety.

On the bright side, this was the first time I could really decorate my own space. There were a lot of nice thrifstores around that I could get cheap decor. Despite everything, this was the first time I had ever felt “at home” in my space. I also got Tobi, my GIANT stuffed fox. I love him very much. I am so glad I got him ….sigh, I need to restuff him and throughly wash him. He’s gotten pretty grungy :(

Tangent: I never wanted to do physical harm to a pair of shoes as much as I did with hers. I wanted to burn her fucking crocks SO BAD. THEY WERE SO LOUD AS SHE CLOMPED UP THE STAIRS. She woke me up on more than one occasion, and I am not even a light sleeper

According to my phone, I got into my first major car accident on Feb 18th, 2018

I hydroplaned off an overpass onto another, DIFFERENT, overpass. Real GTA shit right there

???

At some point, I got a new car…..? It was a pain in the ass to get because I couldn’t get co-signer, even though I needed one because I don’t have credit . It was a ‘08 Toyota Prius that I named Eiffel. I also wrecked that car when a pickup took the front end off while I was turning on a protected left turn.

I think I moved back with my mom for a while? I remember I took some time off of work as well. God, I was so burnout…

My best friend of 10 years at the time said she was looking into moving out of her parents house into an apartment, so I went out on a limb and moved states

Fall or maybe winter of 2018? I know I was there over Christmas. I spent it dressed up as an elf at work! Just cause it made me happy. I also got cheap decorations, and decorated the place. I was there by myself, so I didn’t have to worry abut anyone else

Since there wasn’t a place ready, I stayed with my Alcoholic brother and his Narcissist, alcoholic Dad. The Dad hated me because I was my mom’s kid, and flat out told me that. He said my mom was a filthy whore, and went into EXPLICIT DETAIL about supposed things she had done. At some point, I told him to please stop, and he got irrationally irate about that, which escalated to him wanting to kick me out….. even though I was paying for cable, cooking their meals, and cleaning their house. He was also pissed that I wasn’t psychically looking for apartments, even though they are online. And even if I did look at them, I needed the input from the person who I was gonna room with.

I got the best car I could with all the savings I had, which was only $1,000. Because of that, I had to work a few months before I could afford a down payment on an apartment. I thing I had it for 2 months before the timing belt went out, and destroyed the engine.

Also, during this time, I had gotten r*ped by my brother while he was shitfaced one night. So, even if it wasn’t for his dad, I would still have left

I got a new car from a very kind coworker

And I am so glad they did, because I lived in that car, quite literally. I had a queen mattress topper already that I folded and used as a bed in the back seat, so it wasn’t actually half bad! If I were to do it again, there are a few things I woulda done a few things differently. One would be purchasing those window insulated covers for cars. I would still have stayed in the Walmart parking lot at night, but I should have parked on the LEFT side because apparently there is an OUTDOOR OUTLET over there that I didn’t discover until LATER. And, finally, I should have caved and got the $20 gym membership

Also, my friend decided to stay with her grandparents. I haven’t talked to her since, and I am still very bitter

This gets me to about the Spring of 2019, when I move into an actual place

I will get into this in part II cause I am kinda tired of talking……

#Talking

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