#man just sounds fucking exhausted
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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My deeply controversial opinion on Kakos Industries is that Corin's voice was never so much boring to me as it was heavily reading "I was brought up do to shit properly but I am two seconds away from having a breakdown and what in the goddamn fuck are you doing now"
#man just sounds fucking exhausted#but also I do kinda wish we'd explored more of him being a complete menace like he was in the earlier episodes#I think there was a balance between early corin and now corin that would have read better#but I still stand by 'corin is just not actually allowed to yell at people and it stuck for years and years' hc I've had for months#scattering braincelles
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how do you know the difference between a huge anxiety attack and a panic attack?
#i think i had a panic attack yesterday but idk......#god it felt so awful and it went on for like 3 hours#but i also had like a hundred things going on so idk if it was like the accumulation of everything or if it was really a panic attack yk#i was at the fair with my family waiting for my best friend to arrive bc i was going to hang out with her#and yk it's a place full of people and we were standing right next to a huge speaker hearing a man talk#and also each place in the fair has different music playing super loud and you can hear all of them at the same time (+ the flashing lights#all that causes me anxiety every since i was little (even if i didn't know it was anxiety back then)#so i *knew* i was going to have the greatest time and i didn't really want to go there in the first place#but even with that i wasn't really haven't a bad time (yet)#we were just stading there and i was waiting for my friend to call me so we could go somewhere else#she called me to tell me she was coming and right when i hung up the phone i felt a really strong pang on my belly#and idk at first i thought it was period cramps but it was weird bc my period had actually stopped that same morning#also i had taken a painkiller right before going there bc all that i mentioned earlier also gives me migraines so there's that too#so yeah the pangs kept getting stronger and it hurt so fucking bad to the point my legs started trembeling#my vision blured and every sound around me seemed to almost fade away#there wasn't any place i could sit down so i gad to cling to my dad and he had to hold me so i didn't fall to the ground#i think i almost (?) fainted in his arms too#after a while the dizzines went away and my dad went to get me smth to drink and i mostly got my hearing and vision back to normal#all that was like 10 minutes max but then the pangs kept hitting every minute or so for the next 3 hours#we found a place to sit and find smth to eat but i couldn't eat anything without wanting to throw up#my legs wouldn't stop shaking like fucking crazy and i kept going from feeling like i was freezing to sweating from how hot i felt#idk i've had smth like this (w/o the pangs) happen to me before a bunch of times but never That strong and it usually lasted 5-10min max#we ended up having to go home and i had to take some more painkillers and my sleeping pills to be able to calm down a little#i'm pretty sure i fell asleep from exhaustion after everything and i'm still feeling a bit weird after almost 24 hours since it happened#anyways. the thing is idk if all that was caused bc of my anxiety#or if it was smth completely unrelated and i just had such a bad tummy ache that it made me feel bad enough to cause All That yknow#i think it felt pretty much like how i've heard people describe a panic attack but again i'm not sure#yeah.........#maca speaks
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4:46AM
I've done a lot of emotional labor tonight and I am tired.
A friend earlier this evening messaged me. We don't talk a lot other than when we see each other in person but sometimes he gets buzzed/drunk and will end up messaging me. Which is what he did tonight. It wasn't too bad, he was spiraling a little about something, I didn't ask. Mostly just wanted to talk.
Then right when I was falling asleep at 3AM my friend with the piece of shit abusive husband calls me which is usually a good way to ruin my night, though never as badly as hers has been. At least tonight she was calling because he decided to be an abusive piece of shit again and got arrested this time. But I did have to sit with her for almost two hours while she processed that. She also just got over covid. Or is supposedly over it. I swear if I get covid from this I'll be so pissed. I'm going see Janelle Monae next weekend. But at least he's hopefully out the picture since he was already on probation from the last time he was an abusive piece of shit.
No one is allowed to have a single feeling in my vicinity for the next 24 hours. I just can't do it
#i know I sound insensitive about my friend and her abusive situation#but she has ignored my advice from day one about him#but I'm who gets called any time day or night when he acts up#and she keeps going back#i understand the complexities of it#but its exhausting to watch#i told her once if she doesn't leave him I'll be testifying at her murder trial#she let that fucking man live in my house#something i still don't reallt forgive her for#i asked her why he had been arrested and she insisted he wasn't dangerous it was just a bipolar episode#i find out months later after they move she's always known he was dangerous#he tried to drown her once!!!
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i want to do something regarding my personal projects these two days off work
#getting addicted to videogames again i should focus on my projects#i need to fucking. revamp my patreon. i need money#i should probably switch my payout plan to manual#cause i sure am struggling way harder with getting#finished things out on a monthly basis#than i had imagined i would#i suck so much man. like i could cry#30 days sounds like so much time but it’s fucking exhausting to me#remember when i was a teenager and even though i went to school for 40 hours a week i would still write novels and make animations#and stuff?#good times. i miss that energy so much#sorry to rant/vent i didn’t mean for the post to get depressing#there’s just so much on my mind. i’m so scared of the future lol
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in my state we're at this new development of the government trying to claim anyone even chatgpt is capable of writing teachings materials. which used to be the MOST professional and regulated area in education. the only thing I hate more than how everyone assumes they have a super relevant opinion about education is that non-educators can be put in charge of educational projects and legislation
#who's this IT man I am gonna fucking murder him <3#which is exhausting because we did make a little bit of progress although not nearly enough against that federal project I focus on fightin#which involves a lot more but the simplest way I can describe it is the brazilian government deciding to copy the super known success story#that is the educational system in the usa. totally not in reaction to people like me finally not just reaching public uni but excelling#they can't stand to see the pardinhas winning#don't ask me about it I would give a lecture but know if I sound more angry than usual it's because as the poet once said#the educational crisis in brazil isn't a crisis it's a project#.txt
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I don't want to generalise but I think people that think ttpd is so deep and excellent songwriting are also the same people who think acotar is the height of fiction
#i listened to the album (not the fucking anthology i do NOT have the time) out of curiosity's sake and bc honestly im openminded abt music#(i really liked folklore and evermore i think theyre really solid albums)#but man. it is..#like okay occasional cringy lyrics aside. its just not good? the songs feel like first drafts the writing feels LAZY#and ppl are gonna say 'its a poetry album its meant to be wordy' bruh. open the schools.#if you think poetry is just throwing as many random words out there as possible.....#i fear you should have stopped doodling eyes in english class and actually paid attention#idk man. if it resonated with you that's great im happy for you#but wowwww its exhausting hearing everyone talking about how shes an incredible wordsmith#and then being presented with these juvenile lyrics that it doesnt even sound like she believes when she sings them#okay im done hehe#bones.txt
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exhausted dot png
#i’m cishet neurotypical for the weekend right and i guess bc i was cishet half of the time just two short years ago i thought this would be#a lot easier than it is? like i underestimated how exhausting this would be#not to sound Like This but hanging with all of these protestants really is so different than the catholics. maybe bc i’ve been largely surro#unded by catholics so im well adapted to dealing with them lol idk.#it’s just. i accepted that the cousins wouldn’t accept me if they ever knew but my beloved beloved great aunt…..#my mom is so sure that she would accept me if she knew but i’ve been telling her i don’t know i don’t know now that she’s a protestant it’s#different…. and lo and behold every other fucking word out of her mouth is virulent shit#and idk what to do with it.#i love her too much to lose her over this (for now) but christ i nearly told her i was a dyke at lunch today just to get her to shut up abou#t trans people.#i have no desire for my family to ever know i’m genderqueer bc i don’t need them to know but eventually my aunt is going to need to know the#homosexuality and this trip has just emphasized how. man it’s gonna be shit isn’t it. no doubt to cling to anymore.#anyways i’m expected to go to baptist church tmrw morning and autism brain i kind of want to go just to see what it’s like but me brain i’m#just. so tired. and even if the transgenders don’t get brought up in the service i don’t think i want to go anyways.
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"if qui gon had survived anakin wouldn't have fallen to the dark side cause–" fuck yall. be so fr rn. that man left his 13 year old padawan in a middle of a war. he left him an another time in SLAVERY. he absulately smoked crack CONSISTENTLY and did not give a single fuck. in a bad way. he would've made things so much worse. please release this argument from your clutches i am so tired
#of course if we all ignore the 'no matter who or what changed if palps still got a chance to manipulate anakin the fall would've happened#no matter what' then we can even begin to consider shit like this#but seriously stop with this argument yall sound so dumb and it actually pains me to read each time and its always on some shitty pinterest#post paired with ugly ass emojis and rats ass english like actually stop before i puke yall exhausted this argument completely and just#want to blame shit on obi wan so that your fav pretty boy can go blameless fuck yall he was a grown ass man let people take responsibility#for their actions#anakin skywalker#anti qui gon jinn#qui gon jinn bashing#star wars
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today was exhausting - my friend was here for about 7 hours and I just. oh man I love her and all but it's just a lot sometimes. it's probably for the best that we only meet up like 2-4 times a year now (gives me enough time to forget how draining it is so I look forward to it, and recover afterwards)
I don't talk to anyone but my husband most days, and he doesn't really talk. so that's maybe 15 minutes total of talking. and today it was literally. 7 hours. no breaks except when we were eating (but no even then someone was always talking).
first of all ouch, it hurts (my voice is very hoarse now). and also. it's so so so draining. like. we really have nothing in common at this point. but she's my oldest friend and I do love her so it's tolerable... but just barely. these days there's way too much diet/food/weight loss talk, and also she seems to be getting into alternative medicine which I cannot fucking stand (it's one topic where I can't pretend or be nice about it either). lots and lots of very preachy vegan stuff too (I don't have any problems with it, I admire people who can do it, but fuck dude you know I eat meat and that I've said many times that I *can't* go vegan (I would starve. there's not enough foods that would be left. seriously.) and it feels pretty shitty to keep going on about it every damn time. I'm not sitting there trying to convince her that she should really be an atheist or something, because I know what her thoughts are about that and I respect it.
when she hangs out with her other friends a lot it's mostly just talking about all the issues that come from that (they fucking suck). I don't know, it kind of feels like I'm her therapist. when I talk about something I'm interested in she doesn't ask many questions and it kind of sucks. like, dude I don't care about your plants either, but I'm interested because you care, so. maybe try that too. would be nice!
#like I know alllll about her other friends and their shitty behaviour#and just. it's exhausting#it's also exhausting telling her over and over again that she is too nice. yes being nice is good and all but she lets people walk all over#her and afterwards she goes 'oh well I guess it was probably just because [they had a bad day/other thing that happened/I said the wrong#thing]'. I do that too! but it's just EVERYTHING. always. even when someone is CLEARLY being shitty to her. like her shitty friends. she#will still excuse their behaviour#it just makes me sad man.#buuut#like come on maybe let me talk about my stupid tv show for 5 minutes and try to seem a little interested? I know it's irrelevant I know no#one cares but damn you really can't pretend?? I've mentioned it before a couple times on the phone and she's always just vaguely like 'ah#that sounds interesting' WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT'S ABOUT. but she doesn't ask what it's about so. I just stop#talking about it and we change topics.#like. yeah I know it's a bit weird that I'm in my 30s and that is one of the most important things in my life rn but. that's how I am. it's#always been that way. and my other friends care (or at least pretend to because they care about *me*)#so it feels pretty shitty!#like if I can look at 15 pictures of how big her fucking plants and herbs are getting. idk maybe ask one question about my show.#or like. even things like our new apartment and stuff. she listened and everything. but it's just. there's no interest there really. just#live 'oh that's nice :)' and we move on to the next topic again#idk man it makes me a bit sad (and I know it's ironic because I say she needs to acknowledge that people don't treat her well but. I mean I#do know this isn't great. and I limit my communication with her to a level that doesn't feel too exhausting. so. idk I feel like it's#different or whatever. buut really I just don't have many friends and I get lonely and it's better to listen to someone talk about#themselves all the time than not talking at all)#okay I'm gonna shut up now#and anyway I'm just exhausted and it's all very fresh rn and I'm incredibly tired so I'm very grumpy. usually it's really not that bad.#I just needed to vent I guess#okay bye and goodnight and I will stop talking now I swear#personal
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Some people wouldn’t know good taste if it was spat into their mouths.
#feeling salty tonight about some stupid fucking people#stop presenting your opinion as fact when you seem to deliberately misinterpret texts for your own ends#you project wildly it’s a bad look cut that shit out#learn to appreciate nuance#you’ll enjoy things so much more instead of constantly digging your heels in about the first inclination you ever had#learn to challenge yourself and grow and you’ll probably open up more#everything is subjective but sometimes someone’s rotten brain mangles a story beyond recognition and then yeah they’re just wrong#shoving every story and character and author into a box is dumb and you’re limiting yourself#remove the boundaries and expand your mind and you might find you enjoy things much more#constantly hating on things is exhausting. wouldn’t you like to rest?#take a deep breath and let it fucking go man this is stupid hill to die on#nothing is as black and white as you say and your extreme views are unfairly coloring the text in a negative light#it’s not that bad in fact I think it’s great and you’re a moron to write it off so flippantly bc you clearly don’t get it#death of the author but holy shit the blatant bad faith readings feels like deliberate misunderstanding#your criticisms don’t make sense they don’t even align with what’s on page you’re just rationalizing your negativity#if you find it so unappealing then fuck off#bc I do find it appealing and your rancid viewpoint is vomit inducing#from an enthusiast standpoint you sound stupid from an academic standpoint you’re just wrong#if this literature is so depraved and unpalatable for your modern tastes#go lick a tiktok and leave medieval literature out of it mkay?#end rant
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Okay, I’m not caught up, I’m 60% sure Orym bit the fucking dust, BUT, in episode 31, he pulled out the fucking sending stone just to tell Dorian that he missed him and the positive spin he put on things, and I just-
#I’M CRYING AT MY FUCKING JOB RN#THE SOFTNESS IN ORYM’S VOICE#AND HE SOUNDED SO EXHAUSTED#AND HE WENT TO DORIAN FOR COMFORT AND I JUST-#Liam has left me in *ANGUISH* over this fictional man and I don’t think I’ll ever recover#and no one tell me if he’s actually dead or not#I will find out eventually 😌#critical role#criticalrole#critrole#cr spoilers#crit role#liam o'brien
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two separate endings where raymond's like 'lol glad it was you not me' just straight up to your face, he's the worst, i desire him carnally
#tbf in one of those endings he immediately becomes meatball so#but seriously i need to keep that energy when im writing him he is such a DICK#genuinely strikes me as a result of his maladjustment and not any actual desire to put rebecca down#like he doesn't laugh it doesn't get played like a joke and in ending 2 he says it so??? gently???#like in the tone of voice you'd use to ask a sick person how their night went like maybe that's what he was going for?#and it came out like THAT??#it's so good though esp in ending 3 where he kinda sounds proud like yes i DID just trap this woman in the mortuary and she is alive#on the floor#like honest to god i know im reaching real hard especially for a man who is such a jerk#but i think what he was going for was something along the lines of#'i've been doing this for years im exhausted do you understand me a little better now?'#which even on it's own is a WILD first thought to have upon discovering someone just coming back to consciousness but likeee#bbgirl is soooo pathetically lonely it's all he can FUCKING think about
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I'm so sorry y'all but the bbc cut of ep 1 of the terror hits so different (derogatory)
#sorry I'm not over it. like come on#there was really something special about the intimacy of jopson and crozier talking about jfj's bs that the bbc cut can't match#like...it sets up crozier so well. so delicately. less bombastic. more the tired and sad man that he actually is#like listen I know he'd bitch to thomas the same way but it really speaks to something in me that this is not something he'd say up on deck#in front of all his men instead of something he'd only say in the confidence of his steward behind closed doors awaiting a dreaded dinner#with people who have hurt him and don't value him - who of course he doesn't like to be around in turn bc of it#and he just sounds so tired. so fucking exhausted. he doesn't want to be here. it's so layered#funny what an alternate scene change and a little editing can do for a character's vibe it's crazy. editing really fucking matters
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I love showers. I would happily melt and die in one. But making myself get in the shower? Sometimes hardest thing ever, I totally get it.
Yes yes exactly!
#this anon gets it#I could sit in the shower for hours#just getting squeaky clean#🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#but man when I’m sleepy and have no energy???#getting in the shower is such a dreadful experience#thankfully I have some music#but I can’t really sing along with it cause of my damn throat#sometimes I just kinda get bored in the shower#I mean not really IN the shower#but doing all my shower thangs#doing my hair#moisturizing#putting clothes on#doesn’t sound like that much typing it out but fuck me just thinking about it makes me wanna go to sleep#that’s why I try not to shower this late cause otherwise I just get exhausted and crash#but I feel gross after today#and I’m hoping the shower will make me feel a little bit better#but I really don’t wanna crash after the shower cause I want to enjoy the house and the time here#ya know ya know#ugh#it’s rough#hahahha#shut up rosie#ask#anon
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Officially saw my first tbs concert! Feeling uhh. Very tired. But fuuck they were a blast
#tho it was cool to see several other bands i like play beforehand i uhhh. would much rather see tbs in a regular tour#cause that was exhausting as fuck. waaay too hot and the crowd was trash for most of the bands#and by the time tbs came on i was already tired as hell and had pulled something in my leg :(!#went hard anyway tho and almost pulled something else during flicker fade 🪦 why am i like 20 something in a 64yo man's body#anyway. adam was the biggest goofy dork ass ever and also sooo handsome and i need his hand in marriage immediately 💖 lol#also john was so girlfriend#his little bit abt technically being from Baltimore was endearing af like he is sooo sweet and awkward 😭#they also all sounded so good. THE ONEEEE is gorgeous live oh my god#also i was excited to see what just us two would sound like live and it did not disappoint!#ok i think I'm done now 😶 they're so much fun tho. giving them a kissy on the head 💖#txt#taking back sunday#sad summer fest#ssf#myshow#mine
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