#many opportunities are available daily to ask someone 'what the fuck is wrong with you'

[angryisokay]

I know there’s a bunch of people in the world who act wild as fuck, entitled, snotty, overbearing, just straight up insane.

And I think a significant percentage of them would stop their bullshit if more people in their lives responded to their insane shit by looking them in the eye and calmly asking them “What the fuck is wrong with you?” If their justifications for their behavior sounds unhinged, ask it again.

Remaining calm and maintaining a flat delivery is important. Any hint of emotion will spur the offending person to be even more obnoxious.

[acnelli]

Hiding

This is my entry for the Hinny FicFest 2021 hosted by @clarensjoy. Thank you for organising it! There were so many lovely prompts to choose from and originally I wanted to write something really angsty for this one, but then decided to approach this in a much more lighthearted way.

Thank you @accio-broom for beta-reading! You are the best!

Prompt 2: Ginny gets sick and won’t admit it Rating: GA Pairing: Harry/Ginny Summary: Ginny had a bad day, including an unfortunate injury, which she tries to hide from Harry.

Also available on AO3 and FFN.

Ginny walked out of St. Mungo’s with a limp and a glare that would put Hermione’s cat Crookshanks to shame. The world was against her these last couple of days; she just knew it. 

It had started with a horrendous loss against a team the Harpies were positive they would never lose to; the Chudley Cannons. The orange excuse of a professional Quidditch Team had beat them, and it wasn’t even a close match. They lost 590 to 120—an absolute disaster. 

Of course, her insufferable brother had lost his mind, along with all the other Cannon fans in the stands. It had been the first time the Cannons won in what must’ve been years, which resulted in the players not even hearing the referee’s whistle, signalling the end of the game. 

Ginny had given Ron the tickets to this match as a birthday present. As long as the Cannons lost every single time, and she could greet her brother with a smug grin, she was okay with Ron switching his Harpies jersey with her number on it to his orange Cannon one. This time though, Ginny found it nothing short of traitorous, and even her family, including Harry, had the gal to congratulate Ron. Her brother would make sure she would never forget this day, no matter how many times the Harpies would kick their arses in the future. 

The Harpies, quite demoralised from their previous match, had shown up at training the next day, as usual. After a pep talk by their coach, the team had pepped up, flying different manoeuvres and acting out the strategies for their game against Ballycastle the next day. 

Enjoying the wind on her face, as well as the feeling that only flying so high up in the air could provide, Ginny had forgotten all about their loss and solely concentrated on getting the Quaffle inside one of the three loops from every possible angle. She had been so engaged in training that she noticed the dangerous wheezing of the Bludger one second too late. Although she could dive away to avoid getting hit in the face, the ball collided with her left ankle, and the next thing she knew, she was lying on a stretcher as a medi-wizard treated her injury. 

A broken ankle usually could be treated by the team’s healers, but the young man insisted on transferring her to the hospital as he suspected a more complicated fracture. And because it was Ginny’s lucky week, he had been right eventually. 

The healer who treated her advised Ginny not to play against Ballycastle as the Skele-gro would cause a great deal of pain, and painkillers were strictly forbidden at Quidditch matches, especially pain-relief potion which had strong side effects, and therefore, were a danger to herself and others while on a broom. 

Against the healer’s strongest protests, Ginny refused the skele-gro and asked the middle-aged woman to stabilize her ankle and give her some light painkillers that would wear off until tomorrow. 

Ginny needed to play tomorrow. A few days ago, Oliver had tipped her off that the national trainers would be watching the game against Ballycastle, and there was just no way she would pass this chance to show them that she was the right choice to play for England. Even if they only let her join as a reserve Chaser, it would be her ticket to play international Quidditch. 

While the discussion with the healer had been annoying but without any chance for the St. Mungo’s employee to change Ginny’s mind, the real battle would be at home. If Harry got even the slightest hint about his wife’s injury, a fight would break out, fitting these infuriating last two days. 

Harry, usually being blissfully oblivious to most things, immediately noticed when something was up with Ginny. While most times, this little fact warmed her heart, it was rather unfortunate today. And ever since Harry joined the Aurors, he had become even more of a bloodhound when he sensed a secret. 

Ginny was determined to try her best to appear normal when she carefully walked out of the fireplace and into the living room of Grimmauld Place. As she expected, Harry sat on the settee, reading the sports section of the Daily Prophet. 

“Hey, Gin,” Harry greeted her, looking up as she walked over to where he was sitting, “How was training? Did Rodgers let you off earlier today?” 

The painkillers still in effect, Ginny leaned down to kiss her husband, carefully lifting her weight off her injured ankle. Kissing Harry always made her feel good, but after her dreadful day, it simply felt like heaven. 

With one swift movement, Harry pulled her down with him on the settee. She cuddled up against his side, inhaling his scent as she trailed kisses down his neck. As their kisses became more heated, Harry rolled on top of her, and just as she was about to sigh because of the sweet friction, a pained whimper escaped her when Harry hit Ginny’s foot with his leg. 

He immediately jumped up, eyes going wide, and Ginny knew that she lost her little hiding game. Carefully sitting up, she waited until Harry crouched down in front of her, looking at her worried. 

“Are you hurt? What’s wrong with your foot?”

“Just a small accident at training today,” Ginny tried to reassure him, “Nothing serious.”

Harry narrowed his eyes. “Why does it still hurt then? Your medi-staff can heal most injuries in a heartbeat.”

“I said I’m fine,” Ginny said, cursing her bloody Weasley genes as she felt her ears turning red. As graceful as possible, she stood up, heading for the kitchen. Besides the fact that she didn’t want to have this conversation, she was also hungry. 

Of course, the conversation was far from over because Harry followed her into the kitchen, watching her with a raised eyebrow as Ginny made herself a sandwich. When she turned to face Harry, she tried to casually stand on her good foot, pretending her ankle wasn’t throbbing in a more penetrant manner now. Obviously, the painkillers had already started to wear off. 

“Why are you hiding this, Gin?” Harry asked, sitting down on one of the kitchen chairs, “Why didn’t you just go to a healer?”

“Because they would give me skele-gro and a pain-relief potion, meaning I wouldn’t be able to play tomorrow.”

“So? Ginny, I know you are amazing, but I’m sure the Harpies can manage one match without you.”

“Yes, they sure can,” Ginny huffed in frustration, “But if I don’t play, the scouts for the English national team possibly won’t take me into consideration.” 

Harry stood up and walked over to his wife, leaning down to get on eye-level with her. “To quote your brother: Are you fucking mental?”

“It’s my career, Harry! Playing for England is the dream, and I refuse to let this silly little injury get in the way.” 

Instead of commenting on this, he gently took Ginny’s hand, leading her to sit on a chair. More out of discomfort because of her increasingly throbbing ankle than the willingness to sit down, Ginny complied anyway. 

“This is far too dangerous, Ginny. You can’t possibly hold yourself on a broom for-”

“This is not up for debate,” Ginny interrupted him, her tone clipped and her face now red from anger, “I’ll just grit my teeth long enough to play some of my best manoeuvres, and then I’ll ask for a timeout and Rodgers will put me on the bench.”

“And you think Rodgers will be alright with you playing injured? Or are you planning to hide it like you tried to hide it from me?”

“That’s none of your business.”

Harry sighed in frustration at her trademark Weasley-stubbornness but he took Ginny’s hand anyway. 

“Okay, let’s put this into perspective, alright?” Ginny wanted to interrupt him, but Harry just kept talking. “You want to play in a game, most likely showing only a mediocre performance because of your broken ankle. Ginny, these scouts don’t have to see you play in this particular game. They know exactly who you are and what you’re capable of already. If you’re not playing in this match, they’ll watch you play in the next one. Assuming they want the very best for the national team, they’ll sure enough not write you off because you couldn’t make it to this match.”

Harry could tell that Ginny’s resolve was already crumbling, but he knew better than to stop here. “There are also your brothers, and more importantly, your mother. Molly will kill me if she learns you hurt yourself even more, despite me knowing of your injury.”

“But I’ve been looking forward to this game for so long,” Ginny sighed, frowning at the unfairness of it all. 

“I know,” Harry said, leaning forward a little to softly kiss her pouting lips, “But you can’t play. It’s not just dangerous for you, but also for your teammates and Ballycastle.”

Harry’s words destroyed every resolve Ginny still had standing. The last thing she would want is someone getting hurt because of her stubbornness, and certainly not her beloved Harpies. 

“Since when are you the voice of reason.” she groaned, letting her head fall against Harry’s chest and draping her arms around his neck. 

Harry took this opportunity to swoop her up into his arms before walking towards the fireplace. 

“Let’s get you to St. Mungo’s then.”

Ginny rolled her eyes, sighing at the prospect of the knowing look the healer will give her when she comes back. 

Before Harry could floo over to the hospital, Ginny leaned up and placed a hot kiss against his throat. 

“If I have to stay at home all day tomorrow, you better keep me company, Potter.”

[give-me-back-my-rhodey]

There’s No Future Without You - AUgust Day 22

Title: There’s No Future Without You

Author: Purple_ducky00

Rating: Teen

Warnings: n/a

Square Filled: O5: RiRi Williams for @ironhusbandsbingo

Pair: Rhodey/Tony

Link: Read on AO3

Written for: @fightingforcreativity​

Summary: Rhodey gets sent forward in time by this week's villain. He is able to return home with the help of an AI and an avid fan.

+++++++++

Fuck. I wasn’t fast enough! Rhodey thinks as he tumbles through the portal. Falling out on the other side, he stands to catch his bearings. He’s on the same street corner, but things just look… different. People are walking the streets, but their faces look digital.

 He checks his suit’s availability. HUD is working, repulsors are working, GPS? Connecting to satellites. If this is New York, where’s Stark Tower? Why are there so many huge buildings in place of what he’s used to? Was he put through a time portal? Flying straight up in the air, he quickly locates Stark Tower. Landing on the landing pad, Rhodey walks toward the doors. The familiar whine of a repulsor makes him turn. He sees an Iron Man suit built for someone much smaller than Tony.

“Who are you? And how did you get a hold of the old War Machine armor?” The modulated voice sounds feminine.

 Rhodey holds up his hands and lets the helmet retract. “Hi, please don’t shoot? Can you tell me what year this is?”

 “2080. Who are you?” “This is going to sound crazy, but I am James Rhodes, the original owner of this suit. I was fighting a villain, and they sent me through a portal. I guess it was a time portal because I’m from 2019.”

 The suit lowers its repulsors, but the voice doesn’t sound convinced. “Follow me.” It says, then mutters. “If anyone would know, it’d be him.”

 Rhodey is led into a room that had definitely not been in the tower in 2019. “Hey T,” the voice in the armor says, “do you know this dude?”

 A hologram shivers into place, a direct replica of Tony. How the-. “Yes. That’s Rhodey!” The Tony-hologram crows. “I told you he’d find us.” He tells the suit triumphantly. “Rhodey, meet Riri Williams. She’s Ironheart. Riri, meet my bestest friend in the whole wide world, James “Rhodey” Rhodes.”

 The suit opens up, and a young black woman steps out. “Can I just say that you are like my hero?” She gushes. “We learned about you in school and everything. And then Tony has been telling me about you, too. You’re the reason I created this armor.”

“Uhm… thank you?” Rhodey scratches the back of his neck. “So, Tony, is this like your consciousness coded into an AI?”

 “Unfortunately, no.” The AI Tony replies. “Tony created me after you went through the portal. Using Extremis, he crafted me. I have many of his memories, but I am not him. He passed some time ago. I’ve been helping Riri ever since.”

 Rhodey’s heart sinks. He wishes that Tony were here with him.  Tony is his lifeline, just like he is Tony’s. He doesn’t want to be here; he wants to get home. “Can I get back to my time?” He questions.

 Tony makes that sound that he does when he sucks on his teeth. “Hmm, I don’t know. We’d have to figure out how you got here. I don’t know anything about time travel.”

 “You’re welcome to stay here until we figure it out.” Riri bubbles. “I’ll get a room ready for you.” As she walks off, Rhodey hears her squeal. “I met Colonel Rhodes today!”

 Rhodey turns to AI Tony, who shrugs. “Yea, maybe I got a little carried away, you know?”

 “Typical Tony?” Rhodey grins and hold out his fist to pump. AI Tony pumps back but his hand goes through Rhodey’s arm.

 “Sorry, don’t have a corporeal form.” AI Tony smirks.

 Speaking of corporeal forms, Rhodey remembers the people he saw on the sidewalk. “What is up with people’s faces now?” He asks.

 “Does my face look bad?” AI Tony’s hands come up to his face.

 “No, no, it’s just… everyone seems to have like a digital face.”

 AI Tony opens his mouth like an O. “Ohhh, you mean the face screens? A new inventor made them and sold them at a relatively good price. Basically, everyone has one now. Instead of wearing makeup or getting plastic surgery, you can just make your face look exactly how you want it. Large steps in the beauty industry.”

 “What else can people do?” Rhodey is intrigued by the technology of the future.

 AI Tony shifts. “Well, I can give myself a body, if I want. They found a clean fuel that powers all vehicles. Also, most people don’t drive anywhere anymore. Not sure why, but they say it’s a good thing.”

 Rhodey opens his suit and steps out. Walking around AI Tony’s hologram, he asks. “Do you want a body?”

 “Only if they could make me with my exact dimensions and everything. I don’t need to be seven feet tall; you know. I’m a bit fussy with my looks. You can’t blame me, I was HOT.”

 Rhodey nods begrudgingly. “You’re not wrong there. Where are the places that build bodies?”

 “Aw Rhodey, you’re so sweet.” AI Tony “cups” Rhodey’s jaw. “We can probably manufacture it right here. But how do you know?”

 “Other than dick size, I can give you adjustments for the old Tony based off of my height.”

 AI Tony claps his hands. “Excellent. Let me show take you to the room.” Rhodey is left to follow the hologram down the halls.

 Once he figures out Tony’s height and width and plugs them into the machine, AI Tony tells him that the process will take 24 hours. “In the meantime, how about you get some rest. I believe RiRi is finished with your room.”

 Rhode slept well in the bed, but it’s nothing like his mattress at home. His mattress at home is worn down. It also is more likely than not holding not only Rhodey but also Tony. Tony used to slide in when he had bad dreams, and Rhodey would cuddle him. Those nights were bittersweet, but Rhodey loved them just the same.

 Twenty-four hours later, AI Tony’s body is created. He spends a half-hour transferring himself into the body. When he’s done, he offers to take Rhodey on the tour of the city. He suggests showing RiRi and him the exact spot he portalled in case something would help figure out how he tine travelled.

 When they don’t find anything, RiRi tells them she has to go on a mission, and she doesn’t know how long it will take. AI Tony pats her shoulder and advises her that he and Rhodey will keep each other company.

 RiRi has been gone for a few weeks now, checking in nightly. AI Tony and Rhodey are spending all their time together, growing closer and closer daily. Rhodey knows that he’s definitely in love with his time’s Tony. When he mentions this to AI Tony in a moment of truth, the AI grabs his arms and says, “When you get back, tell that to him. His worst regret in life was not being able to save you.”

 Rhodey hugs the AI, holding back tears. “I really hope I can get back. I really miss him. You’re great and all, but…” He trails off.

“I’m not him.” AI Tony finishes sadly. “I get it, don’t worry.” Rhodey lays his head on the humanoid’s shoulder, and they sit in silence.

 RiRi returns two days later. “Rhodey, I think I can send you home!” She jumps up and down happily. “You don’t understand how awesome it is for me to be able to help out my hero. I had to go pretty far to get this type of crystal. My friend wizard is coming over shortly to send you back. Say your goodbyes quickly.” “RiRi, you are amazing. I am forever in your debt!” Rhodey pulls her in for a hug. “I just have to go find Tony.”

 Rhodey finds the AI in the server room, adding some lines of code. “Hey, RiRi found a way to send me home.”

 “I heard.” AI Tony smiles sadly. “I’m happy for you. I will miss you, but I’m happy.”

 “Can I try something?” Rhodey bites his lip. “I’m gonna tell Tony when I get home, but can I kiss you? I don’t want to be awkward when I finally kiss him.”

 AI Tony nods, and Rhodey leans in to kiss him. It’s tentative at first, but quickly grows deeper. When Rhodey pulls away, he doesn’t notice the AI wiping away a tear. “Thank you,” Rhodey says sincerely, “for everything.”

 RiRi’s wizard friend arrives, and Rhodey gets back in the War Machine armor. A few chants and the waving of the crystal, and a portal opens. Rhodey waves back at them, then steps through. He lands on his feet on the landing deck of Stark Tower. Walking inside, he finds Tony in his lab.

 “Rhodey! You came back!” Tony breathes. “I hoped you would!”

 “Tony. I love you. More than a friend. Like romantic love and all that. I should have told you long ago, but I was afraid my feelings wouldn’t be returned.” Rhodey stops for a breath of air.

 Tony takes the pause as an opportunity to jump into Rhodey’s arms and kiss him soundly. Rhodey chuckles. “I’m taking that as an ‘I love you, too.’”

 “Your deduction skills are perfect.” Tony laughs.

 ++++++

AI Tony stands alone in the server room. He had known from the very beginning that Rhodey was not his to keep. But Tony had hoped, foolishly human of him.

 Sighing, he turns, preparing to leave the room, his former home, behind to face the world. Except a panel opens which he hadn't been able to open before.

 "Hey Tones, be so nice and get me a body on my own," intones Rhodey's voice from the speakers, and AI Tony sees the code that make up his friend, his fellow AI, his lover. Finally, the last firewall preventing him to remember disappears, and he remembers how Tony got Rhodey back and how he as AI had been put to sleep with the promise of never have to be alone.

[theblackcollegian]

Raging with Passion or Burning with Lust

I have to be honest here: when Aloysius asked me to write a piece to be featured on his blog, I was a little nervous. I stopped writing years ago, and even then, I was only ever moved to do so when I was so fed up or “raging with passion” about something that I dug the hell out of a keyboard. 

And then came the golden question: what do I write about? My dwindling love life, my two years in the already-exhausting workforce, or trying to hold my life together by a single damn string thinner than the end of my eyebrows? And then I decided: fucking all of it. 

So, here are some of my truths and some of my revelations, as I write them from my father’s childhood home in Haiti. 

Career

Being a Black Woman in a Predominantly White Workplace

Why is it that whenever a Black woman who is in a position of influence makes (professional) decisions - popular or unpopular -  that are rooted in merit and morality, instead of succumbing to workplace politics and bullying, that she is all of the sudden “unapproachable” or “difficult”? Or both?

I’ve had this conversation with many of my Black women friends - young and old. The first consensus is that we all experience this at some point and sometimes throughout our careers. The second consensus: it is exhausting and frustrating and it impedes us from doing our work with excitement  although we continue to do it with confidence.

As much as I’d love to offer a solution, I really don’t have one but I do have a few thoughts.

Tolerating this sort of behavior in the workplace is detrimental to our efforts as professionals and to our morale as human beings. Yes, Suzanne, we’re human beings - just like you. 

I support the creation and existence of Black-owned and predominantly Black spaces, but I also acknowledge that these spaces don’t (realistically) reflect the demographics of the general workforce.  

Fleeing to predominantly Black spaces doesn’t necessarily eliminate the problem, nor does it offer an appropriate strategy for addressing this issue.

Love and Romance

Reciprocity/Unrequited Love

Reciprocity is important - not in the tit-for-tat sense of gift exchange and acts of service, but in the sense that  in any romantic relationship, love, care, attention and commitment should be reciprocated.

One reality is that most of us know two things: 1) when our love is not being reciprocated and 2) when our love STOPS being reciprocated.

Another reality is that some of us continue to invest in the relationship in the hopes that - one day - our prospective romantic partner will suddenly realize “how special [we] are” and seize the opportunity to love us blind and mute, despite the reality that they continuously devalue us daily by allowing us to wear our hearts on their sleeves while they wear theirs on their genitals. (*deep breath*)

I can admit that, in the past, I’ve put a prospective romantic partner on such a high pedestal that I’ve completely ignored the fact that I felt and KNEW that my love was not being reciprocated. I can also admit that I’ve also been on the other side of the coin and that I’ve taken advantage of someone’s love without reciprocating it; I am not proud of it. In either case, I continue to ask God for clarity. 

Emotionally-Unavailable Partners

In my very young and naïve days, I co-wrote an article titled, “How to Love a Man who Doesn’t Know How To Be Loved”. It was an overly-ambitious attempt to give life to a false understanding of what I THOUGHT was one of the pitfalls of my “situationship.” (Key word: situationship. Bitch, I done grown.) Our downfall had nothing to do with his emotional availability and I hope to truly make amends with this person one day. Anyway...

The fact that I was even capable of producing a piece like this speaks to the diseased “pick me” mindset that  I was riddled with and that we demonstrate when we pursue emotionally-unavailable partners. 

Potential

Some lovers keep us paralyzed with the very unoriginal idea of “potential” - both perceived and promised. 

The potential of true romance: I call this “layaway love”. It’s the idea that: 1) our lover promises us a future (e.g. marriage, a family) without any commitment in the present (e.g. exclusivity, titles); we dwell on these promises and fail to realize that we are being led on. And 2) that we perceive our lover as having the potential to be a great romantic partner and caretaker because of scattered romantic gestures that serve as a glimmer of hope when they aren’t otherwise being a complete terror in our lives.

The potential of stability: I think that, all too often, women - especially professional Black women - fall into the trap of sticking around because “he has ‘potential’.” And all too often, we get flack for overlooking someone with “potential” for someone who is already established as if we don’t have the liberty to date men who are already established. 

In either case, “potential” can sometimes keep us in stagnant and unfulfilling relationships and situationships that we have no damn business being in.

At the root of all of this tolerance, is the perception that you can’t do better. And you can. You always can. 

Finances

As a lifelong medical patient, former student and now a severely indebted post-grad, my relationship with money has always been more like an anxiety-filled acquaintanceship. Up until about a year ago, opening up a bill - especially a medical bill - used to give me  anxiety.

I am now at a point where I feel like I’m in control of my finances even though I have a massive heap of student loans and I continue to have medical expenses. There are three systems that I now swear by: auto-pay, scheduled payments and payment plans. These systems take the anxiety out of the process by somewhat removing me from it and allow me to comfortably live with the understanding that I cannot afford to pay it all at once and that’s fucking okay. 

I am learning about financial literacy at my own pace and remain steadfast in my sentiment that nothing is wrong with living modestly.

(Also, checking your credit score. I was scared for years to check my credit score. I finally checked it about two months ago, and holy guacamole, does it look good!)

Health and Lifestyle:

Stress: Stress ages you; it robs you of your joy and peace of mind and it can fucking kill you. 

Some people in your life are living and breathing stressors. I’ve learned that, when dealing with these people, you can be sympathetic; you can be empathetic, but you cannot carry everyone’s load and you cannot be everyone’s savior. Eliminating stress can sometimes mean ending your relationship with these people. That is okay. 

If your job brings you insurmountable amounts of stress, but is unfulfilling, unrewarding, and you don’t feel appreciated, leave as soon as you have the means to. Come up with an exit plan with a solid deadline and take your talents elsewhere. 

Meditate, surround yourself with people you love and who love you and visit places and do things that bring you joy.

Health: My father always says, “In life, two things are certain: aging and death.” In a sense, you are only responsible for the life you lead and the condition in which you meet your demise. Take this to mean whatever you want. 

At 25, I realize that while many things were and still are out of my control, I’ve missed multiple opportunities to be the healthiest I can be. I am taking small steps to ensure that I live a STRONG life, regardless of whether or not it’s a LONG life. 

Peace.

[booperdoopererryday]

You Left Me--Mental Illness Discussion

So Jack played a game today called “You Left Me”, a game about loss, depression, and suicide.  At the beginning of the game, he mentioned how he liked playing games like these because of the discussion it sparks in the community, and how we can all be there for each other and share our mental health struggles together.  I see this as a good opportunity to share my experiences with fighting mental illness in the hope that maybe it can help someone else here <3 <3 <3

For those who don’t know me very well, I am a 22 year old bisexual girl with a disability.  I am a sexual abuse victim, and grew up in an abusive home.  I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (this may have changed recently), and borderline personality disorder.  A possible diagnosis of atypical bipolar disorder has been brought up recently as well.  I have been suffering from moderate depression since around age 14, and then in 2015, while I was in college, I had a massive breakdown and have been struggling with severe mental health issues since then.  I had to drop out, move back into my abusive household, and I have been searching for help ever since.

In my experience, depression is . . . very hard to describe to others, especially those who do not share the experience.  The best I can do is relate it to deep sadness, an emotion everyone has experienced.  When you have a deep, deep sadness, it pulls at you, cuts into your chest, can elicit hours of sobbing and desperation and the overwhelming feeling that everything, for that moment, feels awful.  That is deep, deep sadness, and it sucks majorly.

Depression, for me, is on another level.

In comparison to depression, it feels like that sadness only cut through the top maybe five layers of my heart.  That’s a lot of layers, but depression starts deeper.  It’s like the very center of my being has rotted, and the decay is spreading towards the surface.  It is the bone-chilling, deep knowledge that something is very, very wrong.  Value in anything goes missing.  Things that gave me meaning and hope and life now only spark maybe a flicker of joy if I’m lucky before it dies where it started.  There’s nothing inside me to catch the spark, nothing to keep it burning.  Depression is death, it’s being alive while being dead, it’s the full experience of being gone while you’re not yet gone, and the burning desire for your body to follow where your soul left.

Depression is fucking serious and devastating and swallows any life you had in you.  And the worst part is, oftentimes it doesn’t really feel like there’s a reason.  Many times there’s not a reason, it’s purely the chemicals in your brain, as Jack said in the video today.  Sometimes it’s purely that you’re in that shitty of a situation.  Most of the time, it’s some kind of combination of both.  But mental illness is just that: an illness. It is something in your body (in this case, specifically your brain) that isn’t working properly.  In cases where it’s chemical, it’s that there’s an imbalance of the receptors in your brain that allow you to feel happy.  In other cases, it may be that because of your upbringing, or trauma, or other situations in your life, your brain has made neural pathways incorrectly, and has developed in a way that makes it next to impossible to cope with situations and events.  NEITHER OF THESE THINGS ARE YOUR FAULT.  And again, often enough it’s both of these that cause depression.

It’s very hard to believe when you feel this way that there’s any help or any way out.  I personally struggle with suicidal thoughts on a daily and many days hourly basis.  I cry, a lot.  A lot.  I feel despair, I lash out in anger at those I love in a desire to self destruct, I self harm.  It’s hard, it’s really, really, REALLY goddamn hard, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise because they are wrong. It’s. Hard.

However, it’s important--so, so, SO important--to know that the options available are meant to be taken advantage of.  I know there’s a lot of stigma around medication and therapy and such.  But here’s the thing--this is literally an illness.  And even if there’s no “cure” per se, there are treatment options to ease the pain.  And some things CAN be cured.  Not all mental illness can be, but some can.  And all others, you can find coping skills and medication and therapy to make life enjoyable again, livable again.  I have borderline personality disorder, which is nonmedicable.  This means that medicine will only go so far with my condition and won’t fix the problem.  The best thing for me is therapy, and some medication to ease the pain.  Not remove it, but ease it, bring it to a manageable level, a place where I CAN deal with it instead of drowning in it.  Most people discount medication and therapy because the first one they tried didn’t work.  Maybe they had a shitty therapist who couldn’t handle the full weight of their illness (I have been turned away by therapists who, they themselves, admitted they were not qualified to handle my particular level of crazy XD XD XD), or maybe the first medicine they took actually made things worse (this happens, it’s called the blackbox effect).  The thing I want to urge to those of you reading this who have had that experience is: please please please do not let it end there.  Help IS worth seeking out, I swear to you.  It might take time to find the right fit--that’s normal for both therapy and medication.  One size does not fit all, and luckily there are MANY options to explore.  It’s taken me a lot of digging to find medicine that works a teensy bit, and a therapist who finally is giving me what I need.  I’m not even close to better right now, but I’m working on it.  I’m getting there.  Because I cannot allow myself to be killed by this.

I cannot allow myself to be a casualty of mental illness.

This is a thing you have to fight.  And holy shit do you have to fight hard.  It is NOT easy.  It’s not even close to easy.  It’s the hardest thing you will ever have to do, by miles.  You will want to give up, sometimes daily.  You might even try to give up.  I know I have.  But you can’t.  You need to keep going, because I promise you the way will get easier.  I won’t promise you there’s a point where you will be cured--this will be true for some of you, but I’m not disillusioned enough to think it’s true for all.  It’s probably not even true for me, considering my specific brand of mental illness.

BUT DO NOT LET THAT STOP YOU FROM TRYING AND FIGHTING.

If anything else, do it out of fucking spite.  Spite of the people who hurt you, spite of the illness that’s tearing you apart from the inside, spite at the very fact that you were born when you didn’t ask for it.  Don’t let them win.  Don’t let it have victory, because FUCK that.  You can have a life worth living, even if it’s downright shitty for long stretches of it.  But it can be worth it, and don’t you dare let your brain and life experiences and even people lie to you about that.

Sorry I know I was rambling.  But this is so damn important.  And we need to be there to support each other through this.  And for those of us who need the support, it’s important to not ONLY rely on friends and family--although absolutely do this as well, please seek out support from your loved ones!!!--but to also seek help from professionals.  We, as friends/family/community members, can provide love, and care, and gentle urging in the direction towards healing, but we cannot do what professionals have spent their lives learning how to do.  We cannot fix the problem, we cannot kill the beast, but by hell are we going to stand by you and fight it with you.  We will not leave you alone. <3 <3 <3

So please, if you struggle with mental health of any kind--reach out to a doctor or a therapist or a psychiatrist.  Tell a trusted adult if you are unsure of how to go about this.  Reach out to your close friends, family, significant other; let them know what’s happening and what you need.  Work, work hard, and please please please don’t give up.  Call a helpline if you are in crisis, and if you are planning to do something you cannot ever take back, please go to a hospital or call 911.  I have been in the psych ward before, and it’s not the most fun place to be, but it’s far from the worst, and you have full access to all the help you need, and it can be enough just to keep you alive a smidge longer.  And all those days you can manage to keep going add up over time, and you’ll be shocked at how far you’ve come.

I love you all, and you can leave an ask in my askbox if you want specific advice or clarification on anything I’ve said in here.  And reach out to others in the community.  And for those of you who aren’t going through this right now, or are in the space to help anyone you see who is struggling, please support each other. <3 <3 <3  This is what PMA is really about--it’s about the fight, and about the support.

You can do this.  I promise you, you have it in you, even when you don’t feel like you do.  It wouldn’t be called courage if there was no fear present in the first place. <3 <3 <3

~Jillian <3

[theoriginalbread]

TW: mentions of grooming, self-harm, suicide, traumas, domestic abuse

Scroll till the END OF POST if you wish to ignore.

You have been warned!

So the other day, I found out, or more so, finally saw it for what it was. I'd been groomed since I was in middle school. The delayed realization because of the whole double standards set on men when it comes to being with someone older than you. Instead of people being concerned that an older, high school junior was interested in an 8th grade boy, everyone was impressed that I managed to "bag" a girl older than me.

For obvious safety reasons and all that, I won't name names or anything, but this person was very manipulative emotionally and would often share her traumas with me and expect me to be able to cure her depression and mental illness. She would show me photos of her self-harming and say that if I ever left her she'd have no other choice but to kill herself because she loves me so much there'd be no life worth living without me. You can imagine how lil ol' me reacted to that.

I obviously reassured her that I didn't want to leave her and that she'd never have to do that or think about that cause it wasn't going to happen. I hadn't ever dealt with anything like this before and it wouldn't be the last time I ever did. Eventually in this "relationship" she attempted to take her life anyways, multiple times, and would go days, weeks even, in the hospital and trying to get me to make her feel better. (Maybe my memory is tainted with the anger I feel, but I'm trying to remain as objective about this as possible). My parents got involved at some point or another, having my password to my social medias, and threatened to involve federal law enforcement, but not having the knowledge of her threats to suicide should our relationship become compromised, they thought I was invested in her due to "teenage hormones" and "sexual desires." After I explained what she had been saying and doing and why I didn't want them getting involved, they got mad at me for talking about sex. My parents were more mad at me that I was sexting her than they were mad that she had been grooming me and maybe they didn't know what grooming was, but they should've realized that there was something fishy about her trying to get with me, as young as I was.

They were mad that their child had become a sexual deviant at the age of 12 and had whored himself up for some girl online but not that she was threatening to kill herself and showing me her injuries and dumping loads of trauma onto me and expecting me to fix it. They didn't care about that because they didn't see that as wrong because they fucking did the same shit to me all my life. I eventually got away from her. i grew tired of having to be so down and depressed and worried all the time. I essentially ghosted her and just used that as an escape for our "relationship." It wasn't long after until I ran into the next girl online.

She was from a different country but still spoke English. I met her in a video game and was talking to her whilst she was on the enemy team. We eventually traded information and she started talking to me about her personal life. I thought maybe she was just going to remain a friend for gaming and nothing else. But she slowly started to take my advice and availability to hear her problems as a sign of romantic interest and started molding this version of me in her head that didn't exist. She fell in love with me, again, her being older than I was and started to feed me the same things over and over. Her boyfriend abused her and beat her and hated her and did so much to her, and all her exes were the same and did so many nasty things to her, but I was different, I was sweet, and caring, and loving. I was reassuring and never once lost my temper (I had no reason to because I wasn't dating her nor did I see her in any romantic light). She would do the same as the other, show me photos of her bruises, send me messages confessing her love for me and how confused she'd be without me and how she never wanted to lose me because I was such a loving person. I ended up distancing myself from her after she started messaging and calling me on a daily basis and asking for my undivided attention constantly at all hours of the day.

All my friends, jealous of Bread, the womanizer, the guy with the charisma to make grown women swoon over him. I bought into that for the longest time too, thinking of myself as a whore, and as a charmer. It stayed in my head for years and years, I was convinced I had "game" and was confident and suave and it inflated my ego. It doesn’t sound right anymore, knowing that it was because I was being preyed on. That this “thing” I had was just because of some girl trying to mold me into her ideal boyfriend or some fucked up delusion of it. It makes me feel sick. Revolting.

I came to realize it was grooming a few nights ago. The first girl had been with me for about three years, all virtually of course. She didn't live in my region. The second, also virtually, in a whole other country and only for about a year.

Maybe these don't sound as terrible as other people's experiences with grooming, maybe it isn't even really grooming, i'm not sure I mean I only just realized maybe something bigger was going on here other than just emotional manipulation.

To this day I feel gross and weird when people say I'm such a nice, caring boy/young man/man. It feels...disgusting to me. I can't ever take that as genuine compliment anymore. I just feel like it's being said to lull me into a sense of security and that they’re gonna try and manipulate me with it. Maybe I wasn’t super in depth about it but, girl #1 laid it on me THICK every single day.

“You’re so different, you’re so kind, caring, nurturing, attentive. You’re more of a man than these other guys my age. You’re so much more mature than guys my age.”

so much goddamn shit every single moment she had the opportunity and it wasn’t even something she thought about. It fucking sucked so much and I hate a lot about myself from it now, how do I just dump this all and carry on? Man I need therapy.

🛑🛑END OF POST🛑🛑

[deuce-duce]

So, after thinking about the way things have unfolded over the last couple of weeks I have established what my life work would be. Am I going to change the world... am I the second coming... am I a world famous gay pornstar.... ya know these are all things that i have never said to anyone but yet others believe that is my intent! My goal with all of this is to establish the groundwork so that no one and I mean NO ONE ever has to go through the things I have while the entire world sits there and watches.... funding the madness. I've mentioned before maybe not here and maybe nowhere public before but this world will chew you up and spit you out...! Now after partially digested im supposed to function on the same level as everyone else. Hmmm well I guess i get hints and clues about who's going to help and who's just setting me up... one of the main arguments of the opposing side is that i was just after their money so i made up this giant lie to get them in trouble and make them cough it up! No body ever got in trouble they just used an isolated incident i was justified in filing as the excuse to start this manipulative famous people money grab!!

When working on a hempfarm about 1.5 years ago I was approached with 2 questions... the first was if I would sell my soul for 10's of thousands of dollars... my response was only tens of thousands...??? Obviously my answer was no never no matter the amount!! On a different occasion I was not really presented with a question but more of an insult saying what do you think your special...?? And thinking about that initially I though no im not I should have to work for any and everything I want and need in life. Then over the last year and a half with countless opportunities continually passing me by i sat there and contemplated what the fuck is wrong with me!! I know what your thinking... you have to be queer!! Right?! I know I was thinking the same thing! Or maybe I am fucking special!!?? I didnt reach the level I am at today by not being special... right?! Why tune in then right?? If I'm just like everyone else then why tune in?? I really dont understand what the attraction is. Making this unknowing the reason I initially wrote this post the day I said fuck everyone!! Why i was stopped or told not to i still can't figure out. But it obviously wasn't by someone who wanted to help. I say that because the people that want to help gave no idea what i write before its posted... so then why... i was even told a few times today that I should stop! Thats all that was said... STOP!! you know how many times i have asked them to stop!! Over and over again and then some more!! And more!! But to no avail i never get anything i want!! A guy I used to rent from told me one time why don't you enjoy your life... and i though about that?? Like I guess i do get a lot of opportunities then I came to the conclusion of ya know the sad thing is when you might be too fucked up to enjoy what's laid out in front of you. Not only that but whats expected in order to obtain said opportunities just isn't how your wired... not that you weren't at one point but that you just aren't anymore... so that obviously means I'm a queer. So be it!! Its not like you honestly thought any different before meeting me... so why the sudden change of ❤ now?? It really doesn't matter to me tbh I have a feeling no one will ever think out of the box enough to get my attention so I'll just keep gawking as you walk by. "Making the same mistakes hoping that you'll understand..." is it frustrating for me knowing I lack in areas where everyone else has no difficulty or just has everything handed to them... (money, power, prestige...) watch God's Not Dead and then tell me why you think that is... or at least how its described in that movie makes a lot of sense to me.

Its been 4 years since this claim to fame began. Im tired exhausted and won't mind being alone on a deserted island the rest of my life. I remember when I first started posting I mentioned I really never wanted to tell the story and make myself a victim of circumstance. It just finally got to the point where it was apparent this was never going to get better unless I stood up for myself and fought back. Now at this point all I have are my words while I'm sure you see and experience on a daily basis the different types of abuse I experience mentally and physically and yet im being told to stop posting my thoughts and life events that have happened to me??!! Why is that??!! Ill let you be the judge. Hence the reason why I don't act on any clues or hints from either side good or bad... because if something were real it would be in my hands. The funny thing is that when I have gone to psych wards and they diagnose me with their schizo active or undefined schizophrenia all the interference goes away! There's no more seas of colors or horn honking or anything resembling what we are seeing today. So is everything just a facade to make me stress out and worry that im letting people down that are trying to help me...??? Id say so! Thats why your efforts are rendered useless and I try not to let those things affect me. Besides you know what the primary symptom of schizophrenia is???? Deriving meaning out of normal everyday occurrenxes that would not have any meaning to anyone else. So by operating under these premises your just aiding in the psychological warfare... so call me an idiot all you want. Or just stop and let me deal with this bullshit the only way I know how... to forget it! If you want to help then fucking help!! Thats really all I have for tonight heres the post I promised!!

[remindersforabatteredbarist-blog]

april 25, 2019

It is a beautiful day out, and it reminds me a lot of living in Ogden last year in my apartment with my ex. Right now last year, I would probably be sitting outside in the back yard of the building with my cat, some weed, an energy drink, music, and a strooong mixed bevy. We went through a solid amount of liquor there; in fact, it’s the only time employees stopped checking my I.D. anywhere for anything requiring one. And that statement includes two Ogden liquor store locations, as one closed earlier in the day than the other, I frequented both. I tried my best to drink through almost as much alcohol as my ex, seeing as I was paying for it all myself, and it would always be gone any time I left the apartment for work or to go see my friends or family. My pleading with him to stop using all my money on getting fucked up was always to no avail, and I continued to buy the alcohol because what I was going through was too much to face up to sober. I was working my ass off every day only to be more behind on bills, and the fighting between us was relentless, giving me almost no opportunity to diffuse from my overwhelming work week. I was caught in a sick cycle of being harmed and attempting to self-sooth in extremely unhealthy ways. I was missing many facets of myself and still believed I could catch up somehow, but that was not possible under the circumstances I chose to remain in.

He hated the music I ever tried to play when he was around – even stuff we used to enjoy together would anger him and I would be forced to retreat to avoid conflict. I often lied in bed alone with my headphones over my ears just trying to escape from my current reality as it was one of the only methods I had left that hadn’t been totally destroyed by him. He did his best to take everything he could from me and then some.

It’s been over two months since we parted ways this time, and every day away from him is a gift I choose to give myself to honor my true identity and innocence that I know is still buried deep in my heart, underneath all the layers of bullshit and pain I have endured. Yesterday was difficult. I got a ton of things done on my to-do list, but I still felt terribly empty and depressed inside. Nothing was wrong, yet I struggled through every single thing I embarked on throughout my day. I have been accustomed to that since childhood, as my depressive condition developed at a pretty early age, but I usually had someone or something to blame for any given bout of sadness I faced. Lately, the concept that my state is not due to more than my head and hormone chemistry has been making more sense, but it does not make it any easier. Often it can be confusing, distracting, and frustrating.

Today I woke up in a much happier place. Riding the waves of manic depression is a challenge I accept, as I know myself and love myself the way I am. This is a challenge that those around me do not always see as okay, and that in itself can be difficult as well. I believe that is why I attributed many of my adolescent mood swings to situational things and also why I masked it much more back then. I by far prefer my brighter self, but that’s just not always what I get. My dad used to always tell me growing up that every day is a choice and only I could determine the outcome. To an extent this is true, but I think I took it too literally and was always very hard on myself when my perfect expectations for myself and my time didn’t always turn out perfectly.

I have learned recently that I tend to be too hard on myself in general, and it’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes, or even a lot of times. Life is not simple or easy. But I live for the quiet moments of simplicity and peace I find in between the crushing reality that is this existence. So far today I have already enjoyed many of those moments, and I have a hell of a lot more contributing forces to thank for that than solely myself.

I am a lover; I have a lot of love to give and it always hurts me deeply when it is not received well. For that reason, I am blessed to have people in my life who have continued reaching out to me even when I stopped reaching back, for I was occupied drowning in an ocean I jumped into knowingly and alone. I am a creator; I always have been and always will be. I am also blessed to have found a new occupation where I continue to pursue my passion of artistic creation. The others I have gotten to know there have fully embraced me and my many levels of crazy-girl, and I am so lucky to feel home and accepted at my job.

This new life of mine has not come easily or without a cost. I spent far too long in a place I didn’t belong to learn I could never make it work the way I hoped. I allowed my ex to take the life out of me bit by bit as he left me covered in scars and bruises over small things that never amounted to the pain I bore from the results. Time stopped moving for me as I struggled to survive and make sense of my unthinkable daily reality. I thought I was doing my best to continue on, but truthfully I was only moving backward.

He would always tell me places aren’t haunted; people are. I think he held onto a lifetime of darkness that wasn’t necessarily his to keep. I think he craved more than what he felt or saw in the light, so he chose to take what he could of it and change it, warp it, and trade it in for cheap fronts. There was never really any amount of innocent blood available to give him the power he pretended to yield and lied awake at night afraid to admit to himself he lacked. Feeding the lie only made him weaker. But he still held power over me. I never understood his disdain for everything that made me happy until I admitted to myself that he wasn’t happy and couldn’t stand for me to be. I missed when I could bring something to him and not be immediately shut down with negativity.

A couple of weeks ago I gave myself a little St. Peter’s cross on the inside of my left knee. It was the first tattoo I did on myself; all of my previous stick & poke practice had been on him. This new symbol on my skin is a reminder that I’m a badass bitch who doesn’t need to take shit from anyone ever again. I am full of brightness and life; I cannot watch that light be put out again for someone else or by my own doing. I don’t want to be so broken like that; I’m already fucked up enough. My cross means I’ve been to hell and back and I can’t forget the struggle I underwent to come out alive. If I was still with him, I’d be covered in different marks right now than ink and scars; I’d be wearing fresh bruises and scratches from his hand. I wouldn’t want to be around anyone I love because it hurt to see the pain in their expressions as they noticed I wasn’t okay.

I always trusted his light-hearted darkness for some reason. He was covered in upside-down crosses himself, and took every opportunity to explain to those asking that it wasn’t an indicator of satan, but of a feeling of unworthiness and worthlessness. I still feel sad when I think of how I completely shut down for him and how long it took me to begin picking myself back up. All the love I still have to give could have been completely wasted on someone who would never receive it. I am alive and going forward despite all of this. I’m getting better at moving on and not doing so solely by blocking it all out unhealthily with reckless behavior. I am grateful I am finally growing again as a person and not just floating by.

“I can’t turn back

I love until it hurts

and every blessing feels just like a curse.

If you stay and help me cope,

you’ll see me fly

into the sun

into their vacant minds

to seal their fate

time after time.”

[dajaydawg-blog-blog]

An idiot’s guide to stopping Internet Wars... (not really)

Intro

So tell me, have you ever just argued with someone? Wait... I’m on the internet, of course you have. You’re probably gonna argue with me about whatever I’m typing now. Fuck it, what’s the point. We’re screwed, kthxbye.

Oh you’re still here? Shit, well I guess I should try to tell you something about how I think I could’ve prevented a massive World War on the internet about some dress a lady took a picture of. But, guess what? This shit just like every other shit in my brain connects into life and more existential questions I have revolving around in my head, picture fat ass me in the middle of a all-you-can-eat buffet... with sushi. Yep, that shit will make you dizzy just looking at it. “Dayum that Asian boy can move!”

Back to the dress. 

Right vs. Wrong (How that’s actually wrong, not really)

Have you ever wanted to know EVERYTHING?! Be right in EVERY conversation/argument. Know that no matter what anyone said you were in the right and they were in the wrong? Well sorry, too bad I already took the one position available in this universe, don’t doubt it, I know everything. Anyway. If you said no, you’re a fucking liar and if you said yes, sit down bitch and stop trying to impress me.  For some fucking reason every one of us believes in this idea of dichotomy (if you don’t know what a dichotomy is Google it. I’ll wait). The biggest dichotomy we tend to fall into is this idea of right vs. wrong aka evil vs. good, dark vs. light. Like this shit is so embedded into me, I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time in my conversations.  I sat down one day and started to wonder why do I always try be right about things? Why do I get heated if someone makes me look like an idiot when they prove me wrong? 

“But Jayyyyy, what’s wrong with having a definitive stance?!” I’m glad you asked imaginary friend #32.

There’s nothing wrong with having a stance, hell you’re probably wasting your time reading this. All I’m trying to do is to promote critical thinking in that how we constantly say things relates to how we live in a dichotomous world where if someone isn’t right, they must be wrong. That we don’t see or think about many grey areas, which personally to me, I think life is all about the grey areas and the things we can’t just separate into two categories. This post is simply hoping to get you to think about how the way you say things can change the way you connect with people. A lot of us just want to be better at connecting with people, I hope to help.  TIRE SKID

I just want to clarify, in this situation I’m not arguing against facts or things of that nature. I’m not gonna fucking ask you to think about whether the world is flat or shit. I’m simply going to base this shit off perspective and reinforce the idea that our perception maybe reality, it doesn’t mean we cannot deny or accept other realities to be in existence as well.

Car continues

Now do you remember this?

I’m sure you do, this shit was ALL over my facebook with “YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS IT’S THIS COLOR BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH” I’ve seen so many versions of this I don’t even remember how I originally saw the dress. My theory is that there was two different pictures spread virally around the internet. 

But, I’m sure you also remember how split the internet was with Black & Blue Team vs. Gold & White Team. Where you decided to pledge your allegiance often didn’t really matter because people were going to try and prove you wrong and themselves right.

How if the internet blocked out the verb “to be” would end this debate.

I had a seminar once about "The Power of Language" the basis of this was how powerful and sometimes detrimental our language can be on shaping our perspective. So, the Power of Language part I wish to focus on was how our language and how we speak can be so concrete and definitive. Specifically, how if we eliminated the verb "to be" we can make a lot more progress in connecting and not differentiating ourselves from one another. The verb "to be" is restricting in the sense that it creates a definitive stance that cannot be altered, argued, or swayed. 

When I say: “This dress IS Blue and Black.” I give no leeway as to whether or not this pointless dress is the colors black and blue. There is no chance of it being yellow, no chance of it being rainbow. Nope. It’s black and blue. Done. End of story. Goodbye.

Instead if I said: “I PERCEIVE this dress as Black and Blue.” The world fucking opens up! This dress COULD be anything it damn well pleases. Especially to anyone else. Do I give a fuck what you think the dress is? No! I see it as black and blue. You don’t? That’s just what I see.

This is a redundant example, but if we changed one word in that simple sentence there’s nothing to argue about. Instead of me definitively saying that my perception is reality and then clicking “post” and watching the world burn, I am able to now have a conversation with someone about what they see because it opens up that opportunity in this conversation to develop a connection that wouldn’t exist if I stuck in my dichotomous thinking. 

What’s the point?

Now, it’s up for grabs what kinda influence you think our language has on ourselves and our lives. To me, it’s a pretty simple solution to some big pressing issues within our society. In the example I used the only thing at stake was the color of a fucking dress that nobody except one woman had to wear. 

Wait, think about how many times you use the verb “to be” in your language?  “I AM Jesse” (WAIT AM I?!) “This dog IS cute!” “You ARE an asshole!” “I SUCK guitar.” “I AM worthless......” Whoa. With the color of the dress, things probably won’t change through time. But, there are other things we have opinions/perspectives constantly on a daily basis. People and ourselves. Thing we don’t really consider within that? Time.

Take the example of you calling someone an asshole. They probably were being an asshole, but 8/10 times they were being an asshole in an moment. But, when you say “You ARE an asshole” you make it everlasting. If you said “I believe you’re being an asshole RIGHT NOW” You make it so that they understand that whatever they’re doing right now makes you think of them as an asshole. They’re not an asshole forever. I’m a strong believer that a single action cannot determine a person forever. 

The hardest thing for us as people is to not be so hard on ourselves sometimes... So, I don’t know if you’ve ever been told you’re worthless or maybe you heard it from somewhere else. But, once you begin to tell yourself “I AM worthless” you’ll start to believe it, because this is a conversation that’s a one way conversation.  Studies show if you repeat something enough to someone, they’ll eventually begin to believe it.  If someone is told they’re an asshole, bad, not good enough, inadequate, failure, or worthless enough times. They’re going to start to wonder... Am I? You’re not. You may feel worthless right now, but with time. Things change. You may not be good at that guitar right now, but if you keep telling yourself “I’m just not good RIGHT NOW” I bet your heart and mind will thank you for that and who knows you might be one day great. 

I don’t believe we’ll ever be able to always get along, but I feel if we incorporate this into our language a bit more, we’ll begin to open opportunities where we can understand each other and accept each other’s realities more and shape our own to be more positive.

[theliterateape]

When It Comes to Trauma, Belief Really Is a Sledgehammer

by Don Hall

On nearly a daily basis I’d have to have ‘the talk’. The population of Thurgood Marshall Middle School in Chicago was filled with seventh and eighth grade kids from broken families, whose fathers and uncles were in prison, all angry that society (if they thought about those larger elements at play at all) didn’t seem to care.

I wasn’t black. I wasn’t Latino. I didn’t grow up in a gang family. I did have what can be called traumatic experiences in my life. The first stepfather was a domestic abuser who would frequently pummel my mother and myself out of nothing but a male dominated rage. My first sexual experience was when I was nine years old at the hands of a fourteen year old babysitter and her friend. There was some serious drugs in my system before I hit puberty. Too many failed father figures. A lot of school bullying.

Even back in the 90’s people looking for reasons to fix blame on others for their hardships was prevalent so ‘the talk’ was a reality check for these kids. First was the rude awakening that, for the most part, no one really cared how hard these kids had it. Sure, their parents cared in some cases. A few teachers of note. But the rest of the world, while they might signal their concern, didn’t have enough personal stake or attention to genuinely care about these individual students and their traumatic existences.

Harsh, I know, but true nonetheless. The second part of the dialogue centered on how they perceived their rough times. I believed as I believe today that our relationship to pain is largely determined by our beliefs about pain. I’ve found that belief is more powerful than truth every time and, if one truly frames trauma with long-term suffering, those experiences become both a debilitating obstacle and a crutch to excuse failure. 

By simply reframing trauma as a learning experience that, like building muscle or endurance, takes the effort to overcome with it and foment personal growth instead of infirmary, these often horrifying quagmires of life can transform into positives.

Did Americans change following the September 11 terrorist attacks? We provide a tentative answer with respect to the positive traits included in the Values in Action Classification of Strengths and measured with a self-report questionnaire available on-line and completed by 4,817 respondents. When scores for individuals completing the survey in the 2 months immediately after September 11 were compared with scores for those individuals who completed the survey before September 11, seven character strengths showed increases: gratitude, hope, kindness, leadership, love, spirituality, and teamwork. Ten months after September 11, these character strengths were still elevated, although to a somewhat lesser degree than immediately following the attacks.

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As it turns out some research tells us that the vast majority of those caught in a moment of trauma — from having bombs blowing up around them for days at a time in combat, to violent rape, to physical abuse — tend to see these terrible circumstances as opportunities to learn. The rest rely upon them like diseases afflicting them for the better part of their lives.

Why? If it’s as simple as reframing your relationship to trauma to turn it into a gain rather than a subtraction, why would anyone choose otherwise?

On my right arm, just inside the wrist, is a tattoo that says “This is Water.” It is the title of the David Foster Wallace commencement address that posits that we are all surrounded at all times by humans that we misunderstand. The speech resonates with me and serves as a reminder that the guy who balks about wearing a mask is still a human being, that the woman screaming in the street that there is no justice for Breonna Taylor is a person, that the universal truth is that we are all almost exactly the same.

The most difficult challenge for me most days, as I am assailed with the customers of a low-rent casino and hotel just off the dwindling Las Vegas Strip, is to find that DFW sentiment while fighting back the impulse to just give in and despise people. The weight of my own personal disdain for humanity run amok is fueled by encounters with, in my snap judgment, fucking idiots and grown up children clawing for attention or a hand out or what they perceive as the treatment they deserve.

When I am my most Spock-like, I can navigate these moments more effectively. Things like “Do you believe that complaining this loudly is going to get you what you want?” float out of my masked mouth. On a recent phone call with a man apoplectic that he wouldn’t be served unless he wore a mask, railing at me about how he was going to sue me, sue the casino, sue the corporation, I listened for maybe five minutes before I asked “Sorry to cut you off but I’m curious. What do you want to happen at the end of this phone call? Do you believe that your anger, your demands, and your threat of litigation will change the policy of the casino for you?”

Why would anyone choose to be debilitated by a past trauma rather than reframe it into a learning experience? Maybe because reframing is fucking hard. According to most therapists, the initial reactions to trauma tend to be depression, a feeling of helplessness, a perpetual trigger to the Fight or Flight response, severe anxiety. When saddled with that noxious cocktail, how simple then is finding a lesson for growth?

The knee-jerk response is that they gain a certain power from being seen as a victim. It isn’t a kind reaction and it assumes a predetermined motivation but it’s there nonetheless. There is a sense of belonging when putting on the letter jacket of victimhood, a joining of the masses of people who boast about their anti-depressants like frat boys bragging about how drunk they got, a club of angry, unhappy, traumatized and broken people with which to feel less alone.

Because in a world of social media, alone and different is perhaps the worst one could be.

Then I stare at my right wrist. My inner David Foster Spock quietly informs me that the knee-jerk response is almost always wrong when it comes to assigning motivations to monolithic stereotypes. He tells me to be less judgmental and more specific at the same time.

Why would someone sexually harassed or racially profiled by the police or beaten by someone trusted choose to allow that experience to define their ability to navigate the world? Because belief is stronger than truth. Because believing that you are broken is tacit permission to be broken. While being broken hurts, believing that pain must include suffering and being crippled infinitely is simply easier than believing the alternative.

The choice isn’t to wear victimhood like a blood-soaked bowling shirt. The choice is to believe that there is no growth from pain. 

And so ‘the talk.’

First, no one really cares how hard it is to be you. For all the protests, hashtags, and GoFundMe’s, everyone around you cares far more about themselves than they do your trauma. Harsh but true nonetheless.

Second, it is harder to believe that pain can garner strength but it is truly the only way forward. Anything less is giving up. Anything less is acquiescing to the brutality of existence.

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1. I look at people sometimes and think... Really??? That’s the sperm that won.

2. When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more often.

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6. Just saw the most smartest person when I was in front of the mirror.

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11. When I’m on my deathbed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the.

12. I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.

13. “F#%K It.” – my final thought before making most decisions.

14. If I delete your number, you’re basically deleted from my life.

15. Some people need to open their small minds instead of their big mouths.

16. Whenever I think of quit smoking, I need a cigarette to think. 17. Relation of friendship is greater than the relation of blood. 18. When I miss you I re-read our old conversations and smile like an idiot. 19. When I miss you it seems every song I listen to is about you. 20. My silence/smile is just another word for my pain. - Cool Whatsapp Status: Best 100,000+ Whatsapp Status Quotes! Advertisements 21. Sometimes It’s better to be alone…No one can hurt you. 22. The most painful goodbye’s are those which were never said and never explained. 23. Sometimes one middle finger isn’t enough to let someone know how you feel. That’s why you have two hands. 24. Sometimes I’m not angry, I’m hurt and there’s a big difference. 25. My silence doesn’t mean that I quit… It simply means that I don’t want to argue with people who just don’t want to understand!

26. Don’t be so happy, I don’t really forgive people, I just pretend like it’s okay and wait for my turn to destroy them. 27. If you want to make your dreams come true, The first thing you have to do is wake up. 28. I don't have dirty mind, I have sexy imagination. 29. The greatest advantage of speaking the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. 30. I'm not failed... my success is just postponed.

Latest Cool Status Messages for Whatsapp 31. Everyday is a second chance. 32. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. 33. Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest. 34. The only way to do great work is to love what you do. 35. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Advertisements 36. You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else. 37. Life is like riding a bicycle to keep your balance, you must keep moving. 38. You're already a successful personal. The things we take for granted someone else is praying for. 39. Dreams is not what you see in sleep, Is the thing which doesn't let you sleep. 40. I will win, not immediately but definitely.

Cool Status for Whatsapp for Boys 51. I love to walk in fog, because nobody knows I'm smoking. 52. I'm not drunk, I'm just chemically off-balanced. 53. Oh, so you wanna argue, bring it. I got my CAPS LOCK ON. 54. I'm so poor that I can't pay attention in class. 55. Warning!!! I know KARATE and few other oriental words.

56. I'm not virgin, my life fucks me every day. 57. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. 58. Save water drink beer. 59. Virginity is not dignity, It is just lack of opportunity. 60. Not all men are fools, some stay bachelor.

Attitude Cool Whatsapp Messages 61. Phones are better than girlfriends, at least we can switch off. 62. I love my job only when I'm on vacation 63. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. 64. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. 65. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Mostly collectors are including Hindi Status in every collection due to content unavailability that spoil the collection and user experience. However, we have always picked English status and WhatsApp status in English language. Therefore, now you can directly come and choose WhatsApp status as per your wish and desire :) Check Out Now: Whatsapp Status in English (in English with Pure Grammar) 66. How is a poor man a lot like a rich man? they both have an iPhone. 67. Some people call me Mike, you can call me tonight. 68. Sometimes you succeed and other times you learn. 69. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle... He's dreaming too. 70. Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal my status

  Cool Status for Whatsapp for Girls 71. My "last seen at" was just to check your "last seen at". 72. Not always "Available".. try your Luck.. 73. Hey there Whatsapp is using me. 74. Life is Short – Chat Fast! 75. Time is precious, waste it wisely. I wish every desire and wish of you get completed asap. However, we have specially submitted one of the best collection to inspire you to reach our goals in your life.

76. I'm not single, I'm just romantically challenged. 77. Trust in God, But lock your car. 78. AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with You. 79. Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. 80. It hurts when you have someone in your heart but not in your arms. Damn Cool Whatsapp Status Quotes 81. Please don’t forget to smile :) 82. Get up every morning, imagine a future then make it happen. 83. Everyone is beautiful in their own way because God makes no mistakes. 84. You're right. I'm NOT perfect. But I'm unique! 85. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

86. Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world… if you do so, you are insulting yourself... 87. Create your own visual style… let it be unique for yourself and yet identifiable for others. 88. Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. 89. It is almost impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside. 90. No matter how strong of a person you are, there’s always someone who can make you weak

Daily New Cool Whatsapp Status Updates 91. It’s funny how people say they miss you, but don’t even make an effort to see you. 92. Life is like Facebook. People will like your problems & comment on them but no one’s gonna solve them because everyone is busy in updating their. 93. Attitude is like underwear Don’t show it just wore it… 94. I Am Not Special , I Am Just Limited Edition :P 95. I got less but I got best!

96. Get as rude as possible and don’t let anyone tell you how to live. 97. The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality. 98. Adjustment with right people is always better than Argument with wrong people. A meaningful silence is always better than meaningless words. 99. If a hug tells you how much I love you, I would hold you in my arms forever. 100. Silence is the most powerful scream. 101. Some poeple are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day. 102. I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect'. That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.' 103. Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly. 104. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. 105. When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31. 105. My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead. 106. I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 107. Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible. 108. It's a good thing I brought my library card because I'm totally checking you out. 109. You're like a sharpie - super fine. 110. I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands. 111. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake. 112. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I'm with you. 113. Bought a talking parrot today and taught him to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot." 114. I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it. 115. At night, I can't fall asleep. In the morning, I can't get up. 116. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket." 117. Guys are like stars, there are millions of them, but only one makes your dreams come true. Love starts with a hug, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. 118. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present. Life isn't about how many breaths you take but about the moments that take your breathe away. 119. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog. 120. My ex girlfriend’s status said suicidal and standing on the edge. So I poked her. 121. Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think i’m trippin? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around. 122. Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others. 123. Facebook should have a “no one cares” button. 114. If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” then you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single” 115. I’d really post your name here every minute if facebook keeps on asking me what’s on my mind 116. Delete me , Poke me, Like me, Limit me ..The choice is yours.. Welcome to facebook, where no one is really your friend. =P 117. I’d rather check my Facebook than face my check book. 118. I’m wondering why logging onto Face book has become part of the everyday routine?… Do I really have nothing better to do! 119. Your intelligence is my common sense. 220. That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to ‘single’ and your ex likes it. 221. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark with a chance of tomorrow in the morning. 222. I intend to live forever, or die trying. 223. Being nice to people you don’t like is not being two faced, it is called growing up. 224. The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight. I’m just updating my status while waiting for the water to boil. 225. Sometimes I wish life was like facebook, you can delete anyone off your page and go back and delete everything you have said and done! 226. …did a lot of nothing yesterday, but I didn’t finish, so I’m going to do it again today! 227. Trust me I am a liar. 228. Got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it. 229. Girl: Why do you constantly keep posting my name as your Facebook status every 2 minutes? Boy: Facebook keeps asking me what’s on my mind? And honestly, it’s always you. 230. I’ve officially been diagnosed with OFCD (Obsessive facebook checking disorder). I have also been told that I am beyond cure. Please pray for me. 231. Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, Who the hell are you? 232. Facebook is the only place you can write whatever you feel on a wall. Grrrr Facebook won’t stop asking what’s on my mind even if I tell it, it keeps on asking. 233. I’ve gone out to find myself. If I should arrive before I get back, please ask me to wait. 234. I Know Wat You’re Doing Right Now… You’re Reading On My Wall, Right ! 235. Facebook is like prison, you write on walls and get poked bu people you don’t know. 236. Call me anorexic, call me fat. I can put on or I can lose that. Call me annoying, call me dumb. Excuse me miss; but I’m having fun. Call me a flirt, call me fake. That’s just me, so give it a break. Call me weird, a nerd & a geek. Call me what you want, I’m just unique. 237. Facebook should have an ‘Enemy List’ 238. Adding you as my friend doesn’t mean I like you, I did it just to increase my friend list. 239. You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar. 240. Hmmm this text message is a little too harsh, I'll add LOL at the end. 241. Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary. It's scary when it disappears. 242. I'm not running away from hard work, I'm too lazy to run. 243. I miss the days when you could just push someone in the swimming pool without worrying about their cell phone. 244. Some people have "aha" moments, I just have "Oh Seriously?" moments. 245. Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library. 246. Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you. "Yeah. So is a grenade." 247. They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it. 248. For you, I would swim across the ocean. LOL, just kidding, there are sharks in there. 249. Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix. 250. Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 251. Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* Whew, I got down those stairs fast. 252. Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it. 253. Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet. 254. If you keep annoying me, I'll give your phone number to all the kids and tell them it's Santa's hotline. 255. Facebook should have “So What” button! 256. As Facebook has a “Poke” button, it should have a “Kick” button as well. 257. My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar. 258. I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places. 259. Whoever said facebook was a good idea, “Let me share my dull life with the rest of the planet.” ? 260. No matter what anyone says, my cooking is excellent, even the smoke alarm seems to be cheering me on! 261. Facebook is the red carpet for pretty girls who have no talent. 262. …It’s Not That I Hate You… But Let’s Put It This Way If You Were On Fire And I Had A Gallon Of Water I’d Drink It. 263. He who went to facebook and left myspace is wise. 264. Am quitting face book to face my books. 265. Facebook should add a “dislike button” some updates are just too senseless. 266. Facebook is where hypocrisy, falseness, double standards, rumors and depression meet up for coffee. 267. I’d say we should have a “You Bore me” button on Facebook! 268. Single doesn’t always mean lonely and relationship doesn’t always mean happy. 269. Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge. 270. People like me great. People don’t like me great. As long as I like myself that all that matters. 271. Thank you to every person who has ever told me I can’t. You are just another reason I will. 272. I made my Facebook name "Benefits," so when you add me now it says "you're friends with benefits." 273. Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurrasic Park. 274. How does a train eat? Chew, Chew... 275. I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that's dangerous. But a super humid room... well not too humid, because you know... my hair. 276. What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don't look, I'm changing. 277. You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new cleaning sponge at the kitchen sink. 278. Yes of course I am athletic... I surf the Internet every day. 279. I'm not weird, I'm just limited edition. 280. Dear Diamond, we all know who is really a girl's best friend. Sincerely yours, Chocolate Cake. 281. Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice. 282. If Monday had a face... I would punch it. 283. I drank so much Vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent. 284. I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad! 285. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. 286. I really should do something with my life... maybe tomorrow. 287. I have reached a point in life where I feel it is no longer necessary to try & impress anyone. If they like me the way I am, good & if they don’t, it’s their loss. 288. You can’t compare me to the next girl. Because there is no competition. I’m one of a kind, and that’s real. 289. An attitude is an inward thought that wiggles its way out. 290. I’m not cranky. I just have a violent reaction to stupid people. 291. I might not be someone’s first choice, but I am a great choice. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, because I’m good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I’m proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don’t need to be. I am the way God made me. Take me as I am or watch me as I walk away. 292. There can be no positive result through negative attitude. Think positive. Live positive. 293. A bad attitude can literally block love, blessings and destiny from finding you. Don’t be the reason you don’t succeed. 294. Like me for who I am and not for who you want me to be. Take it or leave it. That simple. 295. What others think of me is none of my business. 296. Love me or hate me I’m still gonna shine. 297. Keep your face towards the sunshine, you will never see the shadow. 298. I’m only responsible for what I say not for what you understand… 299. Some days I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 3 year old. 300. I know that Einstein's theory of relativity is correct because every weekend goes by twice as fast as normal. 301. Smiles are contagious... be a carrier. 302. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing! 303. Relax, it's the weekend... just don't blink or it will be all over. 304. To thrive in life you need three bones. A wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone. 305. It's so hot outside that I went to buy vegetables, and by the time I got home they turned into soup already. 306. Please cancel my subscription to your issues. 307. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. 308. I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money! 309. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing. 310. Never judge a book by it's movie. 311. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it. 312. Exercise? I thought you said extra fries! 313. I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don't give out free samples. 314. Isn't it funny how red white and blue represent freedom, unless they're flashing behind you? 315. So you’re a player? Nice to meet you, I’m the coach. 316. If taking a shower is bad for the environment, I know I’m doing the world a big favor!;) 317. For those of you complaining you can’t sleep, LOG OFF FACEBOOK! It’s a proven fact that it’s impossible to sleep while facebooking. 318. David loves animals. Especially the sweet and sour chicken. 319. Liking your own status is like high fiving yourself in the face. 320. I wish that I could put my status to what I am really thinking. 321. I should change my name to No One, that way when I request you as a friend it will say “No One wants to be your friend”. 322. I should change my name to No One, that way when I request you as a friend it will say “No One wants to be your friend”. 323. The person who has ruined my life is one and only Mark Zuckerberg :D 324. Who needs TV we got Facebook DRAMA.

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325. Go away don’t talk to me right now cause it’s my break time and I’m on FB mode… 326. Has implemented a healthy routine, affecting immediately . Very basic and it’s free – Nap Time!! 327. If the world really ends in 2012, I wasted my whole life in school. 328. Dear Facebook: They are not “Suggested friends.” They’re people I’m intentionally trying to avoid. 329. I don’t care what you think of me! Unless you think I’m awesome – in which case, you’re right! Carry on… 330. Don’t run after him who tries to avoid you..! 331. I just want to be left alone, is it hard. I don’t wanna talk because it ain’t going anywhere, let me be. I’ll be fine because I’m stronger than you think I am, I will not be defeated. 332. Treat me like a queen and I’ll treat you like my king. Treat me like a game. And I’ll show you how it’s played. 333. I’m just a mirror for you, You are good, I’m best, You are bad, I’m worst. 334. Don’t get my personality and my attitude twisted, because my personality is me, and my attitude depends on you! 335. Life: Besides gravity, nothing keeps me down. 336. I don’t follow others, I only follow my orders because I am my own boss. 337. Whatever life gives you, even if it hurts, just be strong & act like you’re okay. Strong walls shake, but never collapse. 338. My attitude is based on the way you treat me. 339. I let my haters be my motivators. 340. Attitude is not what you learn from school, it is part of your nature from within. 

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