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romanoffsbish · 2 years

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That Fuzzy Feeling

Kate Bishop x Fem!Reader

Maria Hill x Natasha Romanoff

Yelena Belova x Beer 🍺

Warning: Red Room(Associated Trauma)

Request - ✅ | 4,058 Words

"Good morning Y/N/N, would you like some pancakes?" Kate, Yelena's roommate, greeted you with a bright smile and the offer of breakfast as soon as you entered the kitchen.

There it was again... That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, almost always followed up by your heart fluttering... It always happened when Kate was just as much as nearby, and when she talked to you it was made worse. Your body treated her like she was an enemy, but all your training told you the girl was harmless, or, harmless to the likes of you.

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"I promise that I made them and not Yelena...," you smiled in amusement but said nothing., "Ha ha Kate Bishop, you are just so funny..." Yelena bites back, then she grabs your attention with a shake of your shoulder., "Would you like to go with me to the store? Apparently the archer here thinks 'Annie's' is the same as Kraft, if I wanted to eat healthy I'd have a salad, not a tainted bowl of my beloved mac and cheese.," you nodded, then returned to your room to get changed, you had no intention of leaving today, but the idea of being alone with Kate made you feel clammy.

Kate sighed defeatedly as you left the room., "Why won't she even look at me?," Yelena sent her an uncharacteristically soft smile., "Give her time Kate, this is all new to her, and it'll take time for her to be comfortable with you.," Kate deadpanned., "It's been six months Lena, and it just makes no sense because we were fine the first few months. I just miss her is all."

Yelena nods in understanding, she has a feeling for what's going on with you, but she doesn't want to even mutter a word to the archer until she works with you first. It's clear as day to her that Kate's completely fallen for you, and if she is as good a spy as she knows herself to be she knows you're in the exact same boat, but with the extra baggage that growing up in the red room brings along you were likely lost.

—

"Y/N, can you grab a tomato? Kate wanted an apple, but I think she needs to learn a lesson.," Yelena asked you while stood in front of the dessert table, and you reluctantly did as she asked, but you also grabbed the apple too. Yelena smirked to herself when she saw you try to hide the apple on the cart when you thought she was distracted., "Thank you Y/N/N, now, after we finish up here we're meeting Tasha and Maria for lunch okay?," you nodded as per usual, but this time with a soft smile, and Yelena found herself slightly offended.

She finds and saves you, but Natasha is still somehow your favorite...

"Lena, can I ask you something?," the assassin nearly swerved when you used your voice for the first time that morning, you were always a woman of little words, and she's not sure if that's genuinely who you were, or if it's still a byproduct of being free for the first time ever., "Of course, ask away...," you swallow down your fear, and just ask., "What's love like?"

"Oh look, we're here!," she shrieks, feeling bad as she watches your shoulders deflate, but this is exactly why she brought you to her sister., "It's good too, because you can ask that to the experts.," she jests, and points to the lovebirds who were engaged in a soft embrace as they awaited your arrival, and you found yourself settling into this entirely too confusing state of longing for something so incredibly foreign.

When you exited the car you saw Natasha pull back from Maria, and she yanked a thrashing Yelena into a tight hug, then you smiled when she turned to you with her arms wide open, and left you the choice of entering the embrace. For her you walked right into it, relishing in the safety that always came from the elder widow., "Tasha and I ordered waters for the table.," Maria subtly greeted, and you reluctantly pulled back to smile over at her, then in a shocking turn of events you reached out to her for a hug, and she smiled widely over your shoulder at her wife giving her a thumbs up.

Yeah, Yelena know she chose the right people...

Natasha watched you curiously when you looked over the menu at the Korean BBQ., "What do you want for the first round honey?," you looked to her puzzled., "You guys can choose, it's okay.," Yelena slapped your back., "No cyka, pick one thing from each menu, then we'll each pick something, it's how it works.," Natasha narrowed her eyes at her sister, then with a gentle touch she lowered your menu., "What Yelena was trying to say was, it's okay for you to make the decision for the table, no one's picky, and we'll all get a chance to order."

Maria then further explained the concept of the restaurant to you, and only after a thorough description did you feel comfortable ordering., "Uh, the bulgogi, garlic chicken, potstickers, and the cheese corn all look kinda good.," Yelena didn't show it outright, but she was beyond proud of you for taking the initiative to order your selection when the waitress came.

The longer you all sat their munching away the more the women got to see you visibly relaxing; you went from staring at your empty glass to politely requesting more water, you laughed openly over smiling when the sisters continued to throw jabs at one another, and when Maria finally asked you about what it's been like to be out now, you genuinely spoke up about it and Natasha was quick to focus on you.

"Um. Well, It's just been super strange is all. It's like I've seen all of this stuff through movies my whole life. To feel all these new things, and most for the very first time, it just all feels so wrong, but also right in a way, and I don't know what any of it means, and I freeze up whenever it becomes too much, and that even feels wrong. It's almost like I'm an alien.," you quickly paused as the waitress settled a new grill down for the table, awkwardly smiling up at her as you'd known not what else to do after she just saw your clearly panicked state.

Natasha's hands were quick to link with yours., "Oh honey, I know a bit about how you feel, when I got out of the red room I hadn't a clue how to exist either, if not for Clint Barton I'd still likely be a distant shell of a person too.," her gentle touch and smile helped you calm., "It's okay to be confused, life is already hard enough, adding on a lifetime worth of trauma would make anyone wary. This is the first time you've been made to make your own decisions, it's almost harder than it was being controlled. There's so much more pressure, you don't even know what could mess it all up—that's scary."

"Yeah, most people, like Kate Bishop don't understand the importance of decisions.," Yelena cuts her sister off, and Natasha smirks when she sees the steady rolling of your eyes, the personality you'd been hiding shining through makes her heart hopeful for you.

"However, once you stop fighting the freedom, and you start making even the simplest of choices, like you did tonight, it gets easier." Natasha finishes her thoughts, then she leans back, slipping her hands from yours to take a drink, then you watch as one instinctively links with her wife's on the table while the other goes to pick at her plate., "How did you get here?," Maria squeezes her wife's hand, then she clears her throat, and you shift to stare at her.

"This." Maria gestures playfully between their bodies., "Was not easy, this one here trusted me about as far as she could throw me.," you chuckled along with the woman, then you watched the couple share a sweet moment of silent admiration., "Natasha joined shield, and as Yelena would say, I was incredibly whipped. She was just special, her outright stoicism was what actually made me so persistent to get to know her, and it's what kept her so resistant."

"Cautious.," Natasha politely disagrees with her wife's choice of words., "Yes, forgive me, cautious, either way she wouldn't even spare me more than the necessary moments of interaction. Even a polite 'How are you,' received a deadpan and monotonous 'good.' After a long while I began to realize that it might not be me specifically, as she was a lot softer with Barton, and corresponding agents but more so it was my title that left her so cautious of me."

"So, I began to experiment, and though Fury was against my methods I'd started running to work in my street clothes, and I would time my arrival perfectly to meet her at the coffee cart.," You catch the remembrance in the redheads eyes., "Yes, my perfect little stalker.," Natasha then dreamily teases, and you can just feel the love radiating off of the delightful couple., "Watch it...," she warns, "Anyways, I would catch her eyes on me more when I was out of my uniform, on the third day she even smiled at me, and I just knew I was onto something."

"This is disgusting, I'm going to get a beer, do you want one?," Yelena whispers into your ear, but you shake your head and shove her away., "By the end of the week I knew I was right, my authority over her was the problem, so I had her transferred from being directly beneath me, then come Monday I beat her to the cart, so when she got there I handed her the cup, and she just stared at me like it was a test.,"

"What exactly was I meant to do?," Natasha asks with her hands thrown about, "Trust me!," Natasha scoffs, "In your dreams.," Maria pouts, then grumbles., "You mean my reality right?!" Their silly bickering had you rerouting your gaze to the meat sizzling on the grill, and after a few moments Natasha settled back into her seat with a huff., "After she tentatively took the glass from my hands I was straightforward, I'd told her she no longer worked for me, and that I'd really like to go out with her. She narrowed her eyes at me, took a long swig of the drink, then handed it back to me with a stupid smirk."

Natasha smirks as her wife sits beside her with a massive pout at the memory., "I said: 'get my coffee order right next time, then I'll consider letting.' Before I promptly walked away, and left her there rather confused.," Maria sighs., "Turns out I had accidentally handed her my cup, and I only even realized as the bitter sip assaulted my tastebuds."

Their story was cute, and it helped some, but it didn't do much for your understanding of love. Natasha caught on immediately as a deep confusion still swirled beneath your eyes., "Listen Y/N/N, love is a constant battle, nothing good is ever easy to come by, and this took a long time, because even with her being able to court me, it still took years for me to trust that she was a permanent figure, and learn to love her in a way that was real, and wasn't heavily influenced by rom com movies."

"Who is it then?," You freeze up when Maria calls you out, and Natasha is quick to reroute., "How about you tell us what you're feeling. Talking it out might help you to understand."

"I'm not really sure... I feel sick when she's around, almost like I can't breathe if she's too close to me.," The lovers share a knowing look., "My stomach gets all twisted, and my tongue follows, I can't even speak to her anymore. Which is weird cause we used to talk a lot, but then she started to cuddle up to me, her hand would always be on my arm when we spoke, and slowly I felt this weird pit in my stomach."

"Like she was a threat?," you violently nod along to Natasha's question while gulping your water down, sparing Lena a glance when she sits back down., "Yes! Just like that, but she's not, at least not to me, she's like a puppy.," Yelena snorts, nearly spraying the table with her beer, and you freeze up, curious if you'd said something wrong, and Natasha now wishes she'd had this whole conversation with you all alone.

"Well, congratulations Y/N, you're in love.," you grimace at the reality of the situation., "Really? Why is it so painful? Seems odd.," Yelena settles a hand to your shoulder, staring deeply into your eyes., "Because everything is pain! Love, Life, Loss—the three L's of pain."

"You're drunk...," Natasha concludes, then snatches her beer from her hands to finish off what she now needs to continue sitting here., "Love is not painless Y/N/N, and falling is scary, but I promise with the right person by your side you'll find it is worth it all, and if she truly is a puppy like you say then you've got the best chance possible, those types love hard."

"Thank you Tasha, and Maria...," the couple smile warmly at you, then you notice the way the redheads lips upturn., "Of course honey, now, I just need you to make one more decision for the table before you go home to get your girl, yeah?," You nod and quirk a brow., "Who pays for lunch? Maria or Yelena?"

—

"Get out of my car! I'm still so mad at you...," you flinched at her tone, and she quickly softens her face., "Sorry Lena, they were just so nice, and they helped, plus you made so much money on your last hit.," Yelena shushed you., "Fine, all is forgiven, I'll be back in a week, call Natasha if you need anything, but also maybe just ask Kate, because that puppy is down bad." Your eyes widen at her blatant call out, and you are right back to nodding., "Good luck Y/N."

When you finally convinced yourself to enter the apartment you were quick to smile at the sight of the up and coming Avenger dancing. With a pair of big headphones on she was jumping around the living room in a cat onesie, and dusting the entirety of the furniture. Kate however shrieked when she turned around to find you were actively watching her cleaning, "Oh my gosh, no, I-I thought I was alone.,"

As embarrassed as she was Kate couldn't help but to smile widely as you broke out into a fit of bellyaching laughter, literally your hand was clutching at your abdomen., "Stop it...," she whined out dramatically, and that somehow only made it all funnier to you., "It's not that funny...," she huffs, and it's truly adorable when she pouts at you with her arms crossed. It's honestly hard to take her seriously with the large, fluffy cat ears, and the dangling tail.

"Sorry, it's not funny..." You eventually choke out, your face returning to a state of stoicism, but as soon as her eyes meet yours you both break out laughing again, and she throws the duster at you., "Fine… It’s a little bit funny.,” You nod with a shy smile, too consumed with the need to calm your breathing down to even mutter a response, and after everything settles the awkward energy slowly seeps back in.

“Here’s your apple.,” Kate softly smiles at you, because it’s just a win that you’re actually talking to her, and your belly swarms with what you now know to call ‘butterflies,’ at the sight., “Thank you Y/N/N.” You nod again your throat now beyond dry, and Kate lightly frowns., “Would you like to watch a move with me?” She shouts from the kitchen, catching you just before you could make your escape down the hall, and you decide in the moment that there’s no harm in starting off your with a movie, so you quietly make the trip over to the couch.

Kate silently cheered when she peered around the corner to see you sat in wait for her, and she made quick moves to settle beside you with a bowl of popcorn, she pulled up a horror film, then threw a blanket over the both of your legs. You tensed, but then the screams of the first protagonists victim had worked to sooth you. Kate’s head fell to your shoulder about halfway through the movie, and you felt that familiar pit forming in your belly, and when her hand casually laid over your thigh under the blanket you nearly jumped off the couch. The brunette was none the wiser to your fast beating heart, and you were at least thankful for that.

Kate was beaming internally, it’d been so long since you last let her this close, she didn’t know exactly who to thank, but she knew Yelena did something, and would be receiving a hug for it. Once the movie ended you’d both been stuck in your heads, so when the ad for the next film popped up you were jumping up off the couch., “I’m tired.,” Kate sat her fallen body back up, then looked up to you with sorrowful eyes., “Yeah… Goodnight Y/N.,” and your heart was effectively breaking when she brushed passed.

Tired was an understatement, because as soon as your head hit the pillow you were snoring. The moment of peace was brief though, as not even two hours later were you shooting up off the mattress, hands clutching at your chest as you did your best to regain your composure. The nightmares never got easier, your tears a shining example of just how easily the past still gets to you; the flashes of Dreykov, and all he’d made you do flood your mind as you stumbled down the hallway in route to get some water.

Kate was listening to a soft string of music when you entered the kitchen, a bowl sat in her hands with an array of ingredients before her. She’d been expecting you, respectfully she’d been keeping her distance, but she knew about your nightly routine—you were just on time. Every night between midnight and one in the morning she’d hear you gasp through your shared wall, then she would hear the sink running, and whenever you’d cry yourself to sleep she’d cry too, and so tonight she decided enough was enough, she’d be comforting you.

“I-I’m sorry… I’ll go.,” her stoic resolve melted as soon as she heard you begin stuttering, the pained expression you wore truly hurt her., “Nonsense, please sit… You’re just on time actually, the cookies will be done any minute, and I need your opinion…,” and as if she was using a hypnotizing method of convincing you to stay you sat down, and gratefully took the glass of water she slid your way., “Thanks.”

Kate hummed, not looking to overwhelm you with much talking just yet, and to her total shock it was you who spoke first., “Kate, why are you making cookies at midnight?,” your genuine confusion made her snort., “This is a normal pastime of the distraught American woman.,” your grimace only made her smirk., “This seems so unprogressive, I don’t approve.”

Kate laughed as she went to remove her first batch from the oven, then after the responsible waiting of only two minutes she plated one up for you. Sweet brown eyes bore into yours, the anticipation palpable, so you took the entire cookie into your mouth, you did your best to hide your feelings as you struggled to chew it. It was incredibly dry, but also severely moist in the center, and so the amount of water you’d guzzled down had the woman before you dropping her head to the counter.

“I stand by my earlier words. I don’t approve.,” Kate chuckled defeatedly., “I’m sorry, I just wanted to make you feel better.,” the muttered confession only made your entire body freeze., “It’s just, I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s my job to protect you, even from nightmares.,” her words were almost too much for you, the tenderness she wanted to offer you felt so undeserved after the reminder of your past., “Kate…,” she shook her head, “No!,” her hands settled on your damp cheeks, and when you didn’t flinch away a pang of hope reached her desperate heart., “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too.,” you resolved for telling the truth, her forehead now leaned up against yours, you watched her tears fall into your lap., “Then why don’t you talk to me anymore?,” her voice crack shattered your heart, and so you took in a shaky breath, “I-I’m scared Kate.,” She immediately understood, the love she felt for you was beyond scary for her, so she could only now imagine how hard it must be for you.

With a surge of confidence she decided to tackle both of your fears, her hands slipped from your cheeks until they gripped the collar of your shirt, and just as soon as she pulled back she was pulling you in for a bruising kiss. Though you were caught completely off guard you certainly wasted no time in deepening the kiss while shoving her body against the wall by her hips, earning a strangled gasp from her.

Kate felt like she was going to quite literally combust, the way you just handled her left her in a dizzied state, and the possessive hold you had on her while your tongue explored her mouth made her feel complete, as if nothing before she knew the taste of you was ever right, and like her basis of further survival will be totally dependent on your proximity.

When you pulled away to catch your breath she was near to tears, a whimper leaving her lips as the fear settled deep within her that you just got caught up in the moment, but that once you regain your wits you’ll leave her without a word., “Shit… What the hell was I scared for?” Her previously shut eyes opened to find you smiling at her with a new hope in your gaze., “I’m sorry Kate, I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I promise I’m done running away from you.”

“Would you like to sleep with me?,” Kate asked innocently, but the meaning was lost on you., “Oh gosh, no, not like that… It’s not that I don’t want to, because God, do I want to… I just, I don’t want to rush anything with you Y/N/N. You mean too much to me, I-I just wanted to cuddle, I can protect you from the monsters.”

Her ramblings, though rather adorable, were soon cut off by your gentle lips pressing to hers, she sighed at the heavenly feeling, and you chuckled when she tried to chase yours., “Lead the way Bishop.,” and that she did, with your hand perfectly slotted in hers, she drug your buzzing form off to her room.

She dramatically fluffed the pillows., “Welcome to my humble abode, please get comfortable.,” You giggled at her silly little display, then took the right side of her bed while she slipped off into her ensuite to get herself ready for bed. When she returned she saw you nearly asleep, the sight alone had her body warming, and heart fluttering at the prospect you being hers., “Goodnight Y/N/N…,” your arms wrapped around her tightly, and as she nuzzled into you a bit of your consciousness returned., “Kate, are you in the cat onesie again?,” she went to deny it but your hand tugging on the tail left her with no wiggle room., “Yes…,” she groaned when your tired laughter filled her room.

“Aww, don’t be embarrassed my little Katey Kat!,” you sleepily mused., “You know, I think I might’ve preferred it when you didn’t speak…”

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kkcauseway · 6 months

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Life- Joel's POV

Pairing: Joel Miller & f!reader Summary: Life from Joel's perspective. Content/warnings: TW-depictions of childbirth/sickness, lots of family fluff, like so fucking much...Joel Miller is just the most doting husband and father in the entire world! Protective!Joel, no use of Y/N, no outbreak. Characters: Joel Miller, Sarah Miller, Ellie Williams, Tommy Miller, Maria Miller & You Author note: I’m so in love with this I can’t 🥲 hope you enjoy x

Read Life here I Series Masterlist I Main Masterlist

Joel’s day starts off pretty good, for once they get the right size for the headers and so work can be done instantly rather than the usual delays they always seem to encounter when they start a new job.

You weren’t awake when Joel got up for work this morning as you’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, and so when you finally do wake it's not too long before you call him. His phone rings and your name pops up on his screen, so he takes his gloves off and removes himself from the noise.

“Hey Baby, you okay how’d you sleep?”

‘I’ve been sick again, like a lot, I actually feel really bad this morning, but I did sleep for a few hours, I think… hope.’

“Oh Baby…” He sighs “you’ve definitely slept at least for a little cus you were dead to the world when I woke up. Do y’need me to come home?”

‘No no I’ll be okay, I just need to get some food and chill which is exactly what I’m gonna do.’

“Y’Sure you don’t need me, cus fuck work I’ll come?” he laughs.

‘Joel it’s fine, Sarah's still asleep, when she gets up, I’ll tell her we are having a movie day and she can pick, she’ll be happy. I know we don’t usually let her sleep in this late but it’s just easier like this. And I couldn’t face taking her to school today I know that’s bad but-’

“Y’aint gotta explain yourself to me Baby, I know you’re doin’ what’s best f’you. N'that girls smart enough, she can miss a day.” He interrupts.

‘Yeah, she’s our smart girl’ sniff ‘how’s work today?’ you end it with a yawn.

“Pretty good actually, they actually gave us the RIGHT size for the headers! So, we’ve been able to crack on!”

‘WOW! That’s a once in a blue moon occurrence. Today is obviously gonna be a good day!’ you laugh.

“Forever the optimist aren’t you Baby. I hope you’re right!”

‘Ugh hold that thought, I’m definitely gonna be sick again, I’ll speak to you later, kay?’

“Baby I hate you bein' like this, but okay y'look after yourself, and let me know if y’need me to come home. I love you”.

When he stops for lunch him and Tommy go to a local café and he texts you to check up on you, the baby had you up basically all of last night and with this bout of sickness hitting you on top, he knows you’re miserable even if you try to stay positive.

“Better check in with the Mrs” he utters to Tommy as he gets his phone out of his pocket.

“Sure, I’ll get these.” Tommy responds with a smile, walking to the counter whilst Joel sits down on a nearby table.

How you feelin Darlin?

He texts you and puts his phone back on the table as Tommy walks over with two BLT’S.

“How’s she doin?” Tommy asks taking a bite of his sandwich as he nods towards the phone.

“Mmm she’s not sleeping too good now, think she’s just ready for the baby to be here. I quite frankly am shittin’ myself at the prospect. And she’s been throwing up this morning apparently, which is her worst fear. She hates bein' sick especially when m’not there”.

“Sounds like she’s having a time of it, but she’s strong, plus, the dads are supposed t’shit themselves.” Tommy takes another bite. “Dads are supposed to be useless” he says mouth full, before swallowing “but y’all have done this once before so you know what to expect.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” he sighs.

His phone pings then, lighting up with your reply:

Not too bad, having a few pains, nothing like labour though don’t worry, just these fucking Braxton hicks givin me a run for my money on top of all the rest. We’re watching Cinderella so just chilling.

Awh my girls, and as long as you’re okay Baby?

He looks to Tommy again. “She says she’s been having pains, but not labour pains. Shit Tommy my heart just at that feels like it’s gonna beat out my fuckin’ chest” he chuckles nervously.

“Ahhh, you’ve got this big brother, no need for you t'shit yourself.”

He takes a big breath then. Looking down at your reply.

I’m okay, feeling no more tired or shitty than I have been. x

I’ll try my best to be home on time Baby. You just keep relaxing today, don’t let me find out you’ve been on your feet doing chores!

Yes sir, I promise. Love you. x

Love you too Darlin, see you tonight x

Joel gets home from work at 5pm, which is the first time in a long time he’s managed to keep good time. He actually makes it home before dinner is even cooking. As he walks in the door Sarah runs to him.

“Hi Daddy!”

“Hey Babygirl, y’had a good day?”

“Yeah, it was sooo fun, Mama said I didn’t have to go to school, and I made you both a picture, she put it up in the kitchen!” she says bouncing on her feet.

“Did she now? Well, I’m gonna have to go and check that out now aren’t I! Where’s your Mom at?”

“She’s sleeping; she told me to tell you to wake her up when you got home” she points to the living room.

“Okay thank you Baby, now why don’t you go run and get that picture from the kitchen and I’ll go check on your Momma?”

“Okay!” and then she runs into the kitchen.

Joel quietly moved through the house to find you without disturbing you. He find you so at peace wrapped in a blanket asleep. He sits next to you and just watches. God, he loves you so much. And boy is he thankful that you’ve finally managed to get some rest. It makes him smile.

Sarah runs back towards him then, with the picture in tow. “Look daddy!” she shouts as she jumps onto his lap shoving the picture in his face.

“Shhh baby, we’re gonna let Mama sleep some more, so we gotta be quiet okay, but lemme see” he takes it from her with one hand as the other cuddles round her waist.

“It’s you and Mama and me and the new baby!” she whispers as she points to the different people in the picture.

“Oh yeah wow! So, this is our first family portrait as a family of four huh? It’s beautiful I love it!” he kisses the top of her head.

“Thank you, Daddy, it made Mama cry when I showed her and then I felt sad, because she was sad!” she pouts.

“Oh, Babygirl m’sure she wasn’t sad, m’sure she was happy, and it just made her a bit emotional.”

“Yeahhh, that’s what she said” she sighs “she said sometimes the baby makes her mind a little crazy.” That makes Joel laugh “So, I spoke to the baby and told them to stop, cus I don’t like it when Mama’s sad.”

He smiles at her, as the picture of you receiving that drawing from Sarah and how it would’ve made you tear up in an instant runs through his mind. You’d have been crying instantly unable to stop the tears, he had the same reaction instantly watery eyed, but your emotions being so all over the place would’ve made it almost impossible to hide it, he was able to hide it; thank god. He can also imagine Sarah telling the baby off and it makes him chuckle.

“You’re such a good girl aren’t you. Thank you for looking after Mama for me today” he kisses the top of her head. “Now, how about you and I go and get some Chinese takeout for dinner, because we don’t want her cookin’ when she’s so tired do we? And we can leave her to sleep for longer in the quiet then?”

“Okay Daddy, I like that plan, I’ll go get my shoes! I’m gonna get my ones with the laces and try and do them myself again, but I’ll need your help daddy if I can’t.”

“Okay Baby” he whispers back to her laughing lightly.

Sarah jumps down from his lap and runs to get her shoes; he finds a piece of paper and writes a note to let you know where they’ve gone, in case you wake before he’s back. Leaving it next to where you’re sleeping. He tucks your blanket even tighter around you, before lightly kissing your head, you hum in your sleep, in response.

It’s whilst they’re waiting on the food that his phone pings again.

Baby needs spring rolls and lots of em please x

😂 I figured after last time don’t worry spring rolls secured x

God I love you x

They’re back within half an hour, Sarah instantly running to the kitchen to carefully get plates after she demanded she be the one to get them now she’s a big girl who does her laces herself. So Joel walks into the room finding you slowly moving your body as you exhale, a hand on the underside of your belly. Shit.

He puts the food on the coffee table.

“Baby what’s wrong?”

“Just another one of them stupid fake pains, I’m okay don’t worry.”

Joel feels himself getting nervous, thankfully the food helps that feeling to die back down.

At 8pm Joel puts Sarah to bed, as he’s tucking her in and goes to give her a kiss on her head, her very sleepy face replaced with a quizzical look. He can see the cogs whirring in her mind at a sleepy pace.

“Daddy when’s the baby gonna come?” she questions following it by a yawn.

He squats next to her bed so he’s eye level as he talks to her “soon Babygirl, any day now.”

“Mm, I had a dream last night the baby was already born and when I woke up and it wasn’t true, I was sad.”

“Soon Baby you won’t need to feel sad about that, when the baby is here, we will have them forever, that’s excitin’ ain’t it?”

“Yeah! I can’t wait!”

“Now the sooner you go to sleep Babygirl the closer we get to meetin’ the baby, time goes very fast when you sleep doesn’t it that’s what you always say? So shut those beautiful eyes and before you know it the baby will be born”.

“Okay Daddy, I can't wait! Night night.”

“Night Babygirl, I love you” he says as he stands, bending to kiss her head.

“Love you too Daddy.”

After softly shutting her door- but not all the way because she doesn’t like her door shut he’s quick to return to you. He can tell somethings off. Once he’s made his way back downstairs you’re eagerly sat up waiting for him.

“She wasn’t too sad I didn’t come up to say goodnight, was she? I just can’t handle the stairs right now; my body is so tired.” You whine as you look to him.

“No Baby of course not, I’m sorry you feel so shit” he responds as he comes to sit next to you, rubbing a hand over your thigh.

“Fuckkk” you suddenly utter sucking in a breath.

“Another one already, really?” he jumps forward a little.

You just nod as you let out a little moan.

Fuck. -and this isn’t even the real thing yet, he’s gonna be a mess.

This continues for the whole night in the most random of sequence. Until he feels enough is enough “Baby I know we are timin’ these as best we can, but they’re all over the place, I think we should just stop with this now and try to relax you? It’s obviously not labour.”

“Yeah, I’m just stressing myself out even more. They aren’t coming, I'd know if they were, although” you look down to your stomach prodding at it as you add “I do not appreciate this, thank you very much.” You sigh whilst he laughs at you telling off your unborn child. You then add “let’s just put something on tv and relax. God my body is so tired though, I hope it’s not long till it’s over.”

“I know Darlin’, they’ll be here soon, and then you can relax. Not long Baby” he cuddles you close.

You settle back down then trying your best to get comfortable.

A sudden wince within the quiet of the room as the tv plays softly makes Joel jump. He looks to find you rubbing just under your ribs.

“You having another one Baby?”

“No, just kicking my ribs, bloody rascal… here” you take Joel’s hand positioning it where you had just felt the foot? Of course, nothing happens, typical. The baby will kick and kick but when there’s an audience they stop. Thankfully all it takes is you pushing his fingers into the spot for the baby to respond.

Joel feels his heart melt, and he becomes overwhelmed with emotion. He’s so excited to be a dad once more even if he is petrified. “My perfect baby” he whispers as he strokes the spot.

About half eleven, your head is droopy on Joel’s shoulder, you feel super tired, and you think it best to take advantage of the moment, going up to bed now in hope that when your head hits the pillow, you’ll be able to sleep. Joel is close behind, watching as you carefully get yourself comfortable in the bed. He can see how much you’re aching, how difficult it is for you to move at all, but you still do it so gracefully, so beautifully. You’re just this ultimate beauty that he adores.

“Think I’m gonna have a bath in the morning if I still feel like this, maybe that will help?” it’s more of a question than a statement.

“Sounds like a good idea Baby, now you go try and sleep I’m just gonna use the bathroom then I’ll snuggle up next to you.”

“Okay, night cowboy”

“Night beautiful, I love you” he bends to kiss your lips.

“Love you too.”

Joel stops off at the nearby storage cupboard before entering the bathroom, getting out one of the fluffy towels he knows you love so much. He places it onto the toilet seat lid ready for your morning bath if you decide on it. Then he makes his way back to you, the room is dark, he listens to your breathing for a second and by some miracle, you are in fact asleep.

He climbs in carefully next to you. “Sleep well baby” he whispers to you before placing a soft kiss to your shoulder as he snuggles up to your back, pulling you closer to him. He drifts off within seconds so happy and warm snuggled up to you.

🩷

He’s awoken in the middle of the night to a shout; he’s unable to make out what's said but it definitely gets his attention. It's only when he hears it again ‘Joeeel!’ and it’s clear it’s your voice that he lifts his body up and looks to his side, your side of the bed is empty and cold to the touch, you’ve been gone a while. He then jumps up shouting ‘I’m coming baby!’

He shoves the bathroom door open and is met with you, red faced on your knees in the bath, gripping the side so hard your knuckles are white; gritting your teeth as you scream your way through what is an obvious actual contraction.

Fuck

He looks to you and you look back at him. Fuck you look like you’re in so much pain and he hates it. “Joel” you whisper to him. His heart is fucking racing and he runs over to you then, not a care in the world that he’s naked. “It’s okay shhhh, baby breathe” Joel strokes at your lower back. His voice laced with fear and worry even through he’s trying so hard to mask it.

When you manage to catch your breath back you look to him in fear “Fuck Joel, that one hurt” you groan as you lower yourself back onto your heels in the tub. Joel moves with you coming to squat besides the bath as he faces you.

“It’s okay, you’re doing amazing baby” he kisses your forehead before asking the question he’s dreading but already knows the answer to, “s’it time?” He rubs your arms as he looks into your eyes.

“I- Yeah, I’m pretty sure it is” you whine as a tear runs down your cheek.

Fuck why didn’t you wake him earlier is all he can think. You chose to suffer for this long alone, but he won’t dwell on it, you look broken, your eyes full of tears. He wipes them from your eyes like he’s done so many times before, and he notices that gleam he fell in love with reappear in them, slightly. God you’re gorgeous. He stays in that thought till you have the audacity to apologise for waking him. You act like you’ve committed a crime “don’t you dare say sorry, y'aint got nothin’ t’be sorry for.”

He can see you getting more and more uncomfortable as time goes on and so he’s straight to your aid when you ask for help getting out. He grabs the fluffy towel from behind him and wraps you up in it to keep you warm as he holds you tight in his arms. He wants to keep you as calm as possible, and God does he love you, he hates seeing you like this . You snuggle into his chest; feeling as you physically relax.

“Y’know I knew second babies were faster, but this seems super-fast” it’s muffled as you say it into his chest. He hums in response, only allowing himself to internally panic. You look up at him then “Can we go back into the bedroom? I wanna go sit on the bed; my back’s killing”.

He kisses the top of your head then “Course Baby, come on let’s get you comfy.”

He walks you into the bedroom and helps you sit on the bed. He then proceeds to help you to dry off and put on an oversized lounge set. He notices your bare feet; he can imagine you’re already feeling uncomfortable with them exposed like usual. So, he gets up, grabs some pink fluffy socks out of the drawer and puts them on your feet; knowing how cold your toes get. You like to torture him with them at night, pressing them against his warm legs.

“Thank you for always being so good to me cowboy” you smile at him.

Cowboy, you know how much he hates you calling him that: he’ll let it slide all things considered. Fuck he loves you so much. He takes your free hand in between his; “Baby I love you so much, and the fact that I have this amazing life and I share it with you, and you’ve given me Sarah, now this baby too, I am so so grateful to you...”

He eventually goes and grabs some clothes for himself. He hears as you struggle through another pain whilst he’s preoccupied. Fuck this is really happening. It makes him get dressed all the faster.

When he’s finally dressed, he’s absolutely petrified, his heart is racing to the point it’s almost painful and he can’t help but break out in a sweat, but he tries his best to keep it all to himself. He feels like a first-time parent all over again. Completely clueless and out of control. Remembering how Sarah’s birth was quite traumatic, and that you were in a lot of pain doesn’t help the situation. You were constantly crying out for him, and he’s never felt as awful as he did when he couldn’t take the pain away from you.

Especially considering he strives through life making sure you’re happy and healthy, this is the only situation ever, that he’s felt helpless in, and it scares him that he’s going to witness it once more. He’s pacing back and forth till he can’t physically stand it anymore. He checks all the bags are packed ready and places them ready to go by the front door, with everything present and correct he then proceeds to call Tommy.

The phone begins ringing and with every ring Joel feels worse and worse, he hates thinking that he’s waking them up. Although this was the plan, if it happened no matter when no matter where. He calls Tommy and lets him know. They will then come and stay as long as is needed with Sarah.

After five rings Tommy finally picks up.

“Hello” he answers with a sleepy groan.

‘Tommy, hey bud sorry it’s late, we need you to come over’-

“Oh, shit so she was in labour?” he interrupts, his voice suddenly perking up and he can hear how he shoots up in bed.

-‘yeah, it’s time’-

“Oh my god labour!” Joel can hear Maria shout in the background before Tommy adds “If you can’t tell, Maria’s real excited, aren’t you sugar?”

“Hell yeah!” it’s distant again and she sounds out of breath like she’s running around the bedroom getting ready already.

Joel laughs.

“I’m excited too big brother” Tommy eventually adds. “Give us 20 minutes and we'll be there. Maria’s already dressed haha. Now you go look after your girl."

-‘Okay perfect I’ll let her know, see y’soon, thanks Tommy.’

He puts his phone back in his pocket before making his way back over to you on the bed, sitting at you side. “He says they’ll be twenty minutes max, should’ve heard the squeal Maria let out.”

“Anyone would think it’s her baby” you giggle “but amazing thank you”. God how he admires your ability to still be funny at any given moment. He loves how you find the positives in everything.

When the decision is made to wake Sarah to let her know, it freaks him out even more, it’s getting so real now. “You know what; I still can’t get over that we are doing this again” he smiles before kissing your forehead. “I love you Baby” it’s about the fiftieth time he’s told you tonight, but God does he mean it. He’s never ever loved you more.

🩷

Joel helps you to waddle across the hall to Sarah’s door, his hand resting softly on your lower back. He only leaves you then, in order to knock, before slowly pushing it open. Sarah is fast asleep, her nightlight highlighting her gorgeous features. She begins to rouse as he steps a foot into the room. “Daddy?” she rouses confused, he quickly looks back to you, just as another contraction washes over you. He goes to stop but you nod for Joel to continue in, so he turns back to focus on his daughter.

“Hey baby girl!” it’s an excited whisper.

Sarah looks to the window and notices it’s still dark. Rubbing her eyes, she looks back to him. “Daddy, it’s not morning.”

“No baby, I know, listen, me and Mama have something to tell you” he takes a seat on her bed, still unable to get over the fact she’s going to be a big sister.

She yawns as she sits up straighter in her bed, intrigued. “Where is Mama, was she shouting?” the concern evident in her voice which melts his heart.

He strokes her head “She will be in, in a minute baby. Now listen, your new little brother or sister wants to say hello, so we need to go to the hospital, Uncle Tommy and Aunt Maria are on the way to come and stay with you, whilst we’re gone okay.”

“The baby’s comin’?” a smile grows on her face.

“Yeah babygirl, the baby’s comin’.”

“Yay, okay!” it’s an excited squeal, one that reiterates the adoration and love she has for her unborn sibling already.

He strokes her hair as he stares at her, never having loved someone as much as he loves her.

“Mama!” she bounces in her place on the bed eyes lighting up as she looks to the space behind him.

“Hi my pretty girl!” he hears you reply behind him, sounding tired.

He’s quick to turn to look at you asking, “you okay?”

“Fine, honestly” you smile in response.

He nods.

“Can you come and sit with me Mama?” Sarah taps the place on her bed next to her as she shuffles over slightly.

He moves to be sat near to Sarah’s feet, giving you and Sarah more room to stretch out. He sits and stares at his two favourite girl as they converse with one another. When their conversation ends and they’re cuddling, Joel continuously smiling at you, he then taps Sarah foot “hey Sarah, last time to put your bet in, what’s it going to be a boy or a girl?”

“It’s a sister I know it, she told me” certainty on her tongue.

“Oh yeah, and when did ‘she’ apparently tell you this?” you reply making Joel chuckle.

“When me and her were talking one day, you know we like to talk”.

“Well, we will soon see, me and Daddy think it’s a boy” he chuckles as you boop her nose.

“But I don’t want a - Oh- Mama? Are you okay?”

He watches as your body tenses, and you begin to close in on yourself. Squeezing your eyes shut as you begin to breathe your way through it.

“Mama’s okay baby” he’s quick to reassure when he notices the fear within her eyes. All the while he strokes a hand up and down your leg “This is just your baby brother or sister tryin’ t’get out”. Smiling at her for reassurance, she seems to relax slightly then, he then adds looking back to you “Breathe Mama”.

“Oh” Sarah moves slightly in your arms, opting to rub some hair out of your face and behind your ear. Joel can’t believe what he’s seeing. Sarah then proceeds to kiss your check once she has done it adding her own “breathe Mama.”

Joel watches, his heart pounding with adoration and pride as you and Sarah show each other love. With the contraction over, Sarah moves to bring her mouth to your belly. She lifts up your top to expose it and whispers against the skin; “Don’t hurt Mama please baby sister” she kisses your tummy and adds “I can’t wait to meet you.” He tears up at that, instantly, but tries to hold it back because if caring Sarah decides to start hugging him too that will be it. The tears would start flowing and he wouldn’t be able to stop them.

Eventually there is a distant knock drawing all three of your attention’s. Joel is quick to stand up and is out of the room in the same breath. He races down the stairs to open the front door letting an excited Maria and Tommy in.

“How is she?” Maria questions excitement laced in her voice.

“Pains are gettin’ worse, but she’s okay.”

“Good” Maria smiles as she kicks off her shoes.

“And how’re you doin’ big brother?” Tommy looks to his brother.

“Shittin’ myself” he laughs letting out a big breath.

“Ahh you’ve got this” he reassures tapping a hand onto his shoulder.

“Hope you’re right” he laughs.

“Where are they?”

“They’re in Sarah’s room.”

He then proceeds to lead Tommy and Maria up.

“Hey stinker!” Tommy shouts to his niece as they enter the room.

“Hey Uncle Tommy, hi Maria!”

Joel looks to you in an instant, noticing that you’re crying and is straight to your side “You, okay?” he then reaches to Sarah’s bedside table to get you a tissue.

“I’m fine, I promise, Sarah was being Sarah, and now I’m crying. You know how it goes” you laugh wetly.

“Oh, I do. Jesus, you scared me for a second” he turns to Sarah then, stroking her cheek “You’re the best aren’t you babygirl” she giggles in response.

He then looks back to you “Right baby, y’ready to go?”

“Yeah” you smile and take a deep breath “let’s go have a baby!”

Fuck- another baby.

Joel holds out both his hands to you and he helps you to swing your legs back over the side of the bed. He then helps to pull you up with a groan. You take a second to catch your bearings, now you are back on your feet. Joel helps to walk you slightly to the middle of the room, so Tommy and Maria are able to position themselves on the bed by Sarah.

Maria sits herself next to Sarah and he can’t help but smile. Just as he notices you do. It’s so lovely to know she’s in amazing hands whilst you’ll be gone.

He’s holding your hand as you begin your usual routine which makes him laugh. Telling Sarah to be good, do as she’s told, all that jazz. He’s so used to the routine that he isn’t fully paying attention but when he hears “ugh” his full attention is in that moment, watching as you place your free hand under your stomach. Joel grabs hold of you tighter then- it’s when you shout “f-fuck!” that he gets scared. When in labour with Sarah, you only started swearing when it got bad. He feels as you grip onto his arm like it’s a lifeline and move back to face him. He shushes you as he offers you his other arm too, so you can hold onto him properly and sway. You push your forehead into his shoulder. You can’t help but be vocal this time, in too much pain to be able to control the moans that come out of your mouth. “You got this Baby” Joel whispers into your hair. His heart pounding, and he’s kicking himself that he can’t really help. He holds you as long as is necessary.

You and Joel look into each other’s eyes when the pain is gone, it makes him even more nervous when he can see you’re already beginning to feel deflated. Yet he also can’t help but smile at the fact you swore in front of Sarah. It’s this smile that causes you to remember what you had just said. You stand up tall again and turn back to look at Sarah. “Mama is sorry for saying that baby, I didn’t mean it, be good for Tommy and Maria, listen to what they say okay? I love you.”

As Joel helps you to begin walking out of the bedroom Joel turns to look back at the three of them; “Tommy, I’ll be in touch, thank you again for havin’ her. See you soon babygirl, be good, love you”!

“Love you too Daddy, make sure to look after Mama”.

“I will, I promise!” he laughs.

Tommy and Maria both shout good luck and you make your way downstairs, grabbing the hospital bags that you left by the door, and then you’re on your way.

🩷🩵🩷

After what felt like an eternity in the room alone. Joel feeling terrorised as he watches you suffer through the pains. The hospital room door opens, he raises his head on the click of the door.

“Hi, I’m Sally your midwife, how are we both doing?”

Joel nods “good” in reply as you add “Good thanks, but definitely progressing much faster than I expected.”

“Well, there’s never really been a time scale for these thing, your baby must just be super eager to make an appearance! Are you okay if I check you, just to see how far along you are?”

Joel moves to support you through the examination knowing that its going to be awful but stops as you begin crying out in pain again. Moving instead to rub your lower back, ‘counterpressure’ he remembers the midwife at Sarah’s birth called it. He doesn’t remember your cries being this bad last time. It makes him angry that he can’t stop it. Once the pain ends, he helps you to shift in the bed, so you’re able to get into a suitable position for the examination. Knowing it’s going to be uncomfortable; he remembers from last time; he’s already offered you his hand.

He stands impatiently from beside you looking as the midwifes head disappears below the blanket. He feels you grip his hand tighter once the midwife begins the exam. Eventually her head pops back up.

“Okay, six centimetres, coming right along, well done! Won’t be too much longer now hopefully” she snaps her gloves off.

“Oh, thank god” you groan.

“Now am I right in thinking it’s in your birth plan to have a water birth, if we have a room with a pool free? Is that still what you want?”

“I would love that! I really regret not having a water birth with Sarah.”

“Okay, no problem, I’ll get onto the case and find out if we have a room, I’ll be back with the verdict asap, in the meantime, I’ll be right outside if you need me, okay? That red button to your right, press it if you need me, I’ll come running, literally, especially if your water breaks okay, shout me!”

“Will do, thank you, nurse” he responds she smiles before leaving the room. Leaving the pair of you alone, listening in tune to your babies heart beat.

“She’s nice” you murmur as you turn to him and smile.

“Yeah, I like her” Joel agrees. She seems like a caring midwife of which he’s glad, the midwife at Sarah’s birth just kept getting mad at you and he’s really hoping that won’t happen again. He got really angry with her, but didn’t act on it as he needed to be there to support you. He was sure to put in a hefty complaint afterwards though. Eventually you snap him out of his thoughts.

“Hey not too much longer Baby and we will be a family of four, how crazy is that!”

“I can’t wait” and he really can’t, just the idea alone of his family expanding makes his heart feel so full. “D’you think Sarah is right about it being a girl?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I know she really wants a sister, so I would love to give her one. But either way she will be the best big sister, I know that much.”

You’re right of course, she’s such a special little girl. “Oh, she most definitely will, I have to agree with you there Darlin'.”

Joel moves his hand out of the grasp of yours and begins to caress your belly. Making gentle work of it, as he knows just about any pressure on it right now is painful. You let out a pleasurable moan in response. His palms tickling your belly in a really relaxing way. His baby kicking in response every so often. And it seriously makes him tear up. He’s going to be meeting his baby soon.

“God, I really hope I can have a water birth.”

“I’m prayin’ for you Baby” he replies leaning down to kiss your stomach.

🩷🩵🩷

Two hours later, again, your breathing begins to speed up as another pain takes over you whilst you lie on your side in the hospital bed. You’ve been checked multiple times and it seems this baby is in no rush to make an appearance. You grab onto Joel’s arm as you moan with the pain. You lean into him, curling your body tight. He uses the arm you don’t have a hold of, to rub up and down your back. She’s getting bad is all he can think. Struggling so much to keep your composure. He can't believe it’s dragged out this long. Time is just going on and on and this baby seems no closer to coming.

“Y’got this Baby, m’so proud of you” he reassures softly.

“Ugh, it really hurts” your voice breaks and you can’t help the tears that begin to fall. “I can’t do it anymore!”

Shit “You can baby, you can. You’ve got this, you’ve done it all before with Sarah. Just think of how amazin’ life is now because you brought her safely into the world. You did that! Endured all that pain t’bring her into the world, and now you’re gonna do the same again with this baby. We are all so lucky to have you. You’re so strong. So beautiful n’so strong.” He kisses your sweat soaked forehead. Fuck he hates that he can’t do more.

When the pain eventually subsides, you have the ability to sit up straighter. Joel moves out of your way so you’re able to sort yourself out, however you wish to. Rather than sitting against the pillows, you bring your legs over the side of the bed, so you can sit directly facing Joel. You hold your hands out on either side of the bed to help you stabilise.

He stares at how small you look, dropping to kneel in front of you, allowing you to put your arms around his neck, in an effort to hold him closer. He’s your safe space. You pull each other into an embrace, and you rest your head on his shoulder as you cry.

“Shhh baby, you’re okay, you got this” he kisses you softly.

You don’t say anything, you just continue to hug him as you shake and cry. Joel brushes his hands up and down your back. After giving you a moment:

“Hey Darlin', look at me” he whispers to you as you stay snuggled into his neck. You don’t move, just shake your head no into his shoulder. “Baby” he pulls away a little “please, look at me” this time it’s much sterner, but still drowned in concern.

You slowly lift your head up; your hair falls in front of your face as you do so. Your face red and shiny with tears. You looks exhausted and defeated. Joel brushes the hair behind your ears and smiles at you. He then wipes your wet cheeks to free them of your tears. “Hi” he smiles “there’s my girl, see you’re so strong. So much stronger than I could ever be. I promise you, you’ve got this”.

“I don’t” you whimper.

“Baby” he laughs “you do! Look at you, you’re literally doin’ it as we speak!”

“I don’t feel strong”.

“But you are, come on take a deep breath. S’all gonna be worth it”.

You take a deep breath in before exhaling, keeping eye contact with Joel as you do. You bring a hand to your lower back with a wince.

“Can you help me up please? I wana walk for a little?”

“Course baby, whatever y’need”.

He takes hold of both of your hands and pulls as you begin to lift yourself off the hospital bed with a groan. You then proceed to pace; breathing deeply as you rub your belly. Joel watches from the side lines chewing on one of his nails. What the fuck can he do to help you? He thinks and thinks till a great idea comes into his head.

He looks at you as you pace “You up for some music? We can dance for a bit, will that help?”.

He stops you in your tracs and you look up at him. One hand still holding your belly. “Aww Joel, you cutie you still wana dance with me? Even when I look like this.”

“I always wana dance with you darlin'." They’re the truest words he’s ever spoke.

He makes quick work of grabbing his phone and puts on a random playlist of slower songs. He takes you into his arms and cuddles you close swaying with you. He loves feeling you so close and calm. Content to be in his arms. You stop with each contraction that hits you, and he rubs your lower back. He kisses the top of your head every so often. You continue to do this for a while, seemingly more relaxed until:

“Shit, wait Joel stop, I feel weird.”

He immediately stops swaying with you but continues to hold you. His heart suddenly pounding once more.

“What d’you mean?”

“I- I, it feels weird down there, I don’t know.” He watches as you grab the underneath of your stomach.

“What can I do?” he can’t help the fear evident in his eyes.

You begin to stand straighter in his arms. “I- I just need to move, just need t-"

You’re interrupted by a gush of water, falling from between your legs. Soaking your bare feet, and Joels boots.

Shit.

He blanks out for a second, staring into empty space, unable to do anything, but is brought back when you keel over with another pain. Placing your palms onto the hospital bed as you sway and moan.

Joel rushes to push the red button, then races right back to your side to help you through it. The nurse is in the room within a couple of seconds.

“Hey, I was just on my way back to you guys, what’s going on?”

Joel notices you’re still getting over your pain, and that he is going to need to respond on your behalf.

“Erm, her waters went”.

“Oh goodie! Progressing as we should and to top it off, we have a room free. We will take you there when you’re ready sweetie” she rubs your shoulder in concern.

🩷🩵🩷

The short walk to the delivery suite brings Joel out in a sweat. He’s walking behind you in the wheelchair, being pushed by Sally, carrying the bags. Fuck it's really happening. When you enter the suite, he gulps. This is where it’s going to happen, when he next leaves this room, he’s going to be the dad of two. Completely responsible for two lives. Sally begins filling the pool at once. He helps you to stand out of the wheelchair and fishes out your bikini top from the bag. He helps you to put it on and ties your hair off your shoulders. Finally helping you to climb into the water once it's ready. Sally instantly handing you the gas and air.

Joel has a newfound energy now. Coaxing you exceptionally through the pains you have and the next hour of contracting in the water, comes and goes in what feels like five minutes. Now, you’re sat leaning against the side of the tub, a flannel over your forehead as Joel is rubbing your shoulders. Your body so tense and achy. He feels your shoulders tense telling him another pain is starting. This pain is excruciating. There’s something much more primal about this scream that Joel notices instantly. He watches as you sit up taller in the pool, pulling a face as you try to move to get more comfortable, which is just impossible.

He moves into your view “You okay baby?” alarm bells instantly ringing when he sees the distress on your face.

“There’s so much pressure down there I think- I feel like- like I need to push.” You take a second to get a proper feel for what it is you’re feeling eyes bugging as you look to him again, “yeah, I do- I need to push Joel!”

Shit.

He’s quick to jump up, pressing the red button and it takes all of ten seconds for Sally to return.

“How we doing?” she asks genuinely, but it’s obvious she knows the answer she’s about to get.

“I need to push!” you utter before a pain takes over you that has you screaming in pain. You turn in the tub to face Joel and put your arms over his shoulders. He hugs you close.

Okay it’s happening, it’s official. He remembers the screams; this baby is coming and it’s coming now.

“You’re okay baby, you’re doin’ so good” he reassures.

“Okay, when this pain is over, I’m going to check you, whatever you do, do not push, okay?” Sally shouts in a rushed tone.

You nod into Joel’s shoulder in response and it takes every fibre of your being not to push. You don’t move whilst she examines you, continuing to cuddle into Joel as you try to suppress the urge to push.

“Okay it’s go time angel; babies head is right there I can see it.”

“Oh, thank God” it comes out like a cry.

He lets out a massive sigh of relief. “You hear that baby you can push” he softly whispers.

“You can start pushing as soon as you’re ready angel, how do you want to do this? You happy in the position you’re in or do you want to move?”

“No, I want to stay like this” you say determined but exhausted.

“That’s absolutely fine. Now on the next contraction, I want you to push with everything you’ve got, okay, I’m going to count to ten and I need you to push that whole ten seconds, okay? You’re no quitter, so I don’t want any giving up.”

“Yeah, okay” it’s about all you can manage response wise.

It doesn’t take long till the next contraction happens, they’re basically on top of each other by this point. You bare down as you grip onto Joel, and you give it all you’ve got. He feels as you bare down and squeeze into his body as you ensure all of your energy is being used to push into your bum. You hold your breath squeezing.

“Good!” the midwife shouts “keep going that’s it, 8, 9, 10!”

You stop pushing with a gasp.

Joel gasps too, that was the longest ten seconds of his life.

“You did so good baby” Joel whispers in your ear. He knows reassurance is key right now. The last thing he wants is for you to start feeling as though you can’t do it.

“Ready to go again?” the midwife asks, and you nod before baring down for another ten. It takes a few more pushes before the head is completely out.

“Okay good the head is out! Well done! Take some deep breaths for me. Just a few more pushes and your beautiful baby will be here!”

“The heads out?” he hears you cry into his shoulder.

“Yes, it’s out!”.

“Can I feel?”

“Yeah, course go for it” the midwife adds. You move out of Joel’s grip slightly, bringing one of your arms back to feel the head between your legs.

He watches as her hand disappears between her legs. Face lighting up before looking him dead in the eye. “Oh, Joel, I can feel them, wow they have a lot of hair”.

“Yeah? Lotta hair, just like Sarah?” he asks. Feeling so much love for this baby already. His new baby has loads of hair just like his gorgeous daughter did. He could cry.

“Oh yeah beautiful full head of hair I can see it” the midwife adds in looking over your body to look to Joel briefly. They smile at each other.

“Good, hey almost there now baby” he kisses your head as you lean back into him. He couldn’t be any prouder of you if he tried.

The room is filled with pants as you all wait for the next pain. Joel feels as your entire body heaves. He can feel how tired you are becoming; more than glad you’re now at the final stretch.

“Give us a really big push on this next contraction, okay?”

“I can’t” you shake your head into Joel’s shoulder.

“Baby you can, what do you mean you can’t?”

“I can’t do it anymore, I can’t!” you cry.

This hurts him. It cuts deep. You’re absolutely deflated. “Baby, you’ve been doing so well and you’re so near the end now”. You don’t reply or give him any indication that your listening, so he quickly adds “hey look at me.”

You lift your head slowly from his neck to look at him.

“You’re so strong you’ve got this, okay? You push, give it everythin’ you’ve got and lets meet this baby of ours, okay?”

“Y-Yeah, okay”

“Good girl” Joel replies kissing your forehead. His smile reappearing once he sees some of your sparkle reappear.

The pain begins to wash over you and you push until you can’t anymore. Joel and Sally coaching you through every second of the push.

“Few more pushes and baby is out” the midwife adds.

“Good you can do this baby come on!” Joel shouts enthusiastically.

You scream as you bare down gripping onto Joel’s shoulders. It takes three more pushes to get the baby out. The midwife is there to catch and when the baby is finally free from your body you immediately sit back releasing Joel, taking the baby from her.

Oh god, he’s so overwhelmed watching you cry as your new baby is passed to you. He’s in shock.

“It’s a girl!” the midwife announces as she places your screaming daughter in your arms.

“Another girl Joel!” you cry at him, and he comes over to kiss you on the head before placing a hand on the back of his new screaming daughters head.

He’s now the dad to two girls. He has two girls to protect now.

“She’s so beautiful” he finds himself choking back tears.

“Sarah was right” you laugh, “she got the sister she always wanted”.

“Look at all of her hair!” he’s genuinely shocked, he strokes it with his large, calloused fingertips, it’s so much more than Sarah had, and he though that amount was crazy.

“She gets that from her daddy” you chuckle.

You had said the exact same thing to him when Sarah was born, he remembers it clearly. Fuck he loves you he can’t help the tears that begin to fall.

You’re crying, Joel’s crying, the baby is crying. You all just stay like that for a minute.

“Dad do you wana cut the cord?” Sally asks Joel, bringing you both out of your new baby bliss bubble.

“Y- yeah” he replies. His first responsibility to his new daughter. Freeing her. Making her, her own person. An individual. HIS beautiful individual.

He grabs the scissors from Sally watching as you move the baby to be cradled in your arms, he reaches down to cut the clamped cord. The midwife then takes the baby and gives her to a nurse to clean her off whilst you deliver the placenta.

Joel feels useless as the nurses work round him preparing you to go to the postnatal ward. But when you allow him the honour of carrying your daughter up to the new room he jumps at the chance. Walking at a snails pace along the corridor to the lift. Petrified of anything and everything in his surroundings.

🩷🤍🩷

An hour later all three of you are settled in the postnatal ward. Joel sits on the chair next to the bed watching your newborn daughter sleep against your chest. She makes little purr like noises as she does. He could cry as he rests his palm against her head. She’s so small.

He stares at her for who knows how long. Time non-existent in his new daddy bubble. “What should we call her?” he eventually asks. Knowing you’ll have come to a decision having now seen her face.

You turn your head to the side to look at him briefly, whisper back “I think she looks like an Ellie.”

“Ellie?” he looks to her squished, pouty face then. Studying her as a grin grows and grows on his face. Ellie, HIS ELLIE. “S’perfect” he leans to kiss her tiny head.

As if she hears herself being talked about, she stirs awake and lets out a little grouchy cry. That quickly turns into a pleading scream.

“Oh, Baby Ellie, you’re hungry again huh?” you ask her.

Moving, Joel quickly grabs Ellie from you, as it's much easier to undress yourself ready to feed her that way. When your breasts are freed and you’re propped up comfy enough on the cushions, Joel helps to position her at your breast, knowing it still really hurts when you move. Her tiny head fishes around for the nipple; quickly finding it, she latches almost instantly. Joel leaves you both to it then. Retreating back to his chair to admire your amazing body and what it does to keep your daughter alive.

“You’re so special baby” he murmurs to you quietly, not wanting to disturb a very content and hungry Ellie.

“Joel don’t you’ll make me cry” you reply wetly with a soft laugh.

“I mean it, I don’t think I could love you any more than I do right this second” he smiles at you.

“I love you so much too, I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“That was all on you baby, nothin’ to do with me.”

“Joel, shut up, you were there when I needed you, you kept me calm. You’re my hero, now get your ass over here and kiss me because I can’t move” you laugh.

He’s quick to laugh back rising from his chair and coming to sit on the bed next to you. He’s delicate as he touches your cheeks, curling his fingers round the back of your head, he pulls your face towards his connecting your lips. It’s a deep, sensual kiss. Long awaited, much needed. Full of love.

He eventually retreats back to his chair, but not before stopping off at his bag, and getting out his camera. He sits himself back down and turns the camera on, pointing it right at you. You looks gorgeous right now, he needs to keep this memory forever.

“Babe, stoppp I bet I look a mess”.

“You look gorgeous Baby.”

This birth had been much less traumatic than Sarah’s and you were raring to go home. Thankfully you get the all clear to go, Ellie was born six hours ago; she had fed easily and is going to the toilet normally. And you got the all clear on your health too, so home time it was. Joel dresses Ellie in her going home outfit, you brought a blue and a pink one with you. He makes sure she’s wrapped up incredibly warm as he places her into the car seat. Leaving you with enough time to give Sarah a call like you promised.

The walk to the car feels so long. Him taking every single step extra carefully. You make him stop at the entrance so you can take a photo of him carrying your daughter out in the car seat, just as was done with Sarah.

He's shitting himself for the drive home, and with you and Ellie safe and secure in the back he gives himself an internal pep talk, telling himself to calm the fuck down and then you’re off. Driving into the night. Going home to make your family of four a reality.

🩷

There’s a welcome home sign on the front door, clearly made by Sarah, when you make it back home. Joel quickly rushes out of the car to open your door for you, helping you out of the car. “Do you wana get her or do you want me to?” he questions. “You get her babe” you reply to him.

He nods making his way into the back to get Ellie out who’s sleeping soundly. Definitely his daughter. You then walk up to the front door together; Joel quickly unlocks the door moving back to allow you to enter first. He enters behind you with Ellie in tow.

You walk into the living room and Sarah runs straight to you. Jumping up and down in front of you. ‘MAMA!’

Sarah’s voice makes his heart so happy.

“Hi beautiful girl!” you say as you gently crouch down to hug her. “You wana meet someone special?” You mumble to her as you cradle her body close to yours.

She nods as you break away, her eyes fixed behind you, watching as he walks into the room, baby carrier in tow.

“Babygirl, this is Ellie, your baby sister” he announces excitedly.

“Sister? It’s a girl! See I told you!”

“Yeah, you were right baby, now if you go and sit nicely on the sofa, you can hold her if you want?”

“Yes, yes pleaseeee!”

Sarah runs hurriedly over to the sofa and sits nicely kicking her legs. You come to sit next to her and put an arm around her. He delicately places the carrier down onto the floor and bends to carefully unclip Ellie to get her out. Maria and Tommy both coo from the other sofa when her tiny body is lifted out of the seat. Joel wants to cry at the sight of her miniature body scrunching in on itself as he lifts her out. He walks over to Sarah, keeping Ellie in one arm as he uses the other to help Sarah to position her arms in order to hold her new sister correctly. Sarah’s one arm is moved to be propped against a pillow to further help her in supporting her baby sister. Joel carefully places Ellie in her arms, eventually releasing her altogether.

“Hi Ellie, I’m your big sister. She’s so tiny wow” she strokes her cheek gently.

“She is huh?” he adds crouching next to her. “She’s gonna get so much bigger though, one day she will be as big as you.” And boy does she look big holding her dot of a sister.

“She’s so beautiful” as if on cue, Ellie opens her eyes then and looks straight up to her big sister in curiosity.

“Look Sarah she recognises you; she remembers her big sister’s voice from all those times you spoke to her when she was in my tummy. God, you look so big holding her baby girl” you bend her head towards you gently then to kiss her.

Joel reaches into his bag and gets his camera out once more. Needing to capture this moment of his girls forever.

He quickly turns it on “girls look up, let’s get a picture of the three of you.”

You and Sarah both look up at once, you quickly wipe the now drying tears from your face. He ensures he takes lots and lots of pictures. So completely happy in this moment he never wants it to end.

“Right daddy I think it’s time you got in too, don’t you?” Maria asks from behind him, placing her hand delicately on his shoulder, he quickly passes her the camera and sits the other side of Sarah, you all smile once more at the camera, and Maria also take one of the three of you looking down at Ellie as she makes her tiny little noises.

"Okay now enough you lot, think it's time Uncle Tommy had a cuddle, don't you?" Tommy asks “C’mon shift, stop hoggin’ my niece!” He jokes.

You all laugh then.

This is family, this is love, this is the life you’d spent your whole life dreaming of. And here you are finally living it, and it’s so much better than you could’ve ever, ever imagined.

LIFE I Series Masterlist I Main Masterlist

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timelesslords · 1 year

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If you like the post-apocalyptic and worldbuilding and religious deconstruction and found family aspects of tlou I am B E G G I N G you to read parable of the sower by Octavia E. Butler it’s so good you will not regret it I promise

#everyone always says to read the road by cormac McCarthy but the road is basically just a worse version of parable so!!#also this one actually has a female mc like tlou does #I think you would especially like it if you have a love hate relationship with tlou2 like I do #because while it’s similarly devastating to it’s main character it’s much more hopeful of a story #also this is niche but if you liked the fic I wrote from the pov of Tommy and Maria’s kid you would really like the series as a whole #bc parable of the talent has similar vibes #anyway if the world of tlou is something you really like about the series I cannot recommend sower enough #(I’m finally getting around to reading the graphic novel which is why I’m thinking about this lol)#tlou #the last of us #parable of the sower #book rec

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levana-stark · 6 months

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If I continue this pov, I might need to get a degree in mechanical engineering or aerodynamics first...

What did I do to myself?

#Switched to Adrian Neweys pov #That's what I did #maria trying their hand at fanfictions #You're on your own Charles - fic #charles leclerc #max verstappen #lestappen

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powertaco · 14 days

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Chasm Hotel 2-Clues to a mystery ungiven

Cinder does her best to continue searching for Winter, but finds something else entirely unexpected, that she has no idea what to do about.

Chasm Hotel Floor Plan for 1st floor.

#rwby #cinwin #death's whiterose #whiterose #plus young maria #still cinder pov atm

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atrxides · 1 year

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You’re Losing Me by Taylor Swift

stop, you’re losing me I can’t find a pulse my heart won’t start anymore... for you

#this song from jack's pov in season 18 shattered my heart #gibbs fumbled the biggest bag of all time #blondie better pay for my therapy #DO SOMETHING BABE SAY SOMETHING #you're losing me #taylor swift #slibbs #jack x gibbs #jack sloane #leroy jethro gibbs #sloane x gibbs #jack sloan x jethro gibbs #18x07 #18x08 #ncis #jaqueline sloane #maria bello #mark harmon

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cannivalisms · 8 months

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writing some of eve's relationship with her dad. did you guys know it was this bad

#writeblr #original writing #writers on tumblr #dark fantasy #she writes #terras town #eve #also yeah eve's deadname of sorts is maria. btw. also double yeah shes about 14 at the time of this drabble #dominic evangelos was a fucking creep! more specifically a 'im grooming my young daughter into an image of the mother that died in her #childbirth' kind of creep! new kind of creep dropped #so there was that. and eve still has a lot of weird potentially unhealthy feelings about that. shes getting better though this is #her at her worst #anyway i need to edit this to be less on the mark from eves pov but the concept still stands and its been literal months since i last poste #so.. 📫. hi!#tw incest mention #tw grooming #tw child abuse #tw sa mention #<- doesnt actually happen due to murder reasons but covering it just in case #unsure if i should throw in my taglist for this one it feels a little heavy. ponders

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partyinthemysterymachine · 2 years

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💖✨love is love✨💖

silent hill sewers lgbt club is now in session

source pic under the cut

#my art #harry mason #james sunderland #lisa garland #maria silent hill #silent hill 2 #silent hill #i would have used a pic of Rosewater Park but i couldnt' find one that worked #pov you're heather and these four adults have 1 brain cell between them and it's lost like a popped-out contact #they all might be as collectively smart as a 2 legged cockroach but at least they'll do their best!!!#also: maria gets uggs now. she's happy

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bassed11 · 11 months

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Headshot!

#co's art tag #sonic #sth #maria robotnik #shadow the ultimate lifeform #shadow the hedgehog #<- his pov #infinite the jackal #i wish infinite had more messed up abilities. like holograms that work like hallucinations #so here we are #sonic forces #sa2 #ark siblings

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romanoffsbish · 2 years

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Lessons Learned

Natasha Romanoff x FemWife!Reader

Maria Hill x Sister!Reader

Maria Hill x Carol Danvers

Unwelcome Surprise (Part 1)

Warnings‼️:

Jesus Christ, prepare yourself for a potentially broken heart, but a happy ending is promised ❤️

90% of this is Natasha unpacking her trauma, and being resistant to the feelings.

Murder, Violence, Trauma, Childhood innocence lost, feelings of inadequacy, possibly more (please let me know 🤷🏼‍♀️)

10k+ words ; Angsty with a happy ending, reader focused on herself and Nat's definitely put in the work as requested which is why it ended up being so long 😂.

Enjoy Part 3/4 of the Part 2 party palooza❤️

——————————————————————

One week, seven days, 10,080 minutes, and she didn't even want to consider the seconds.

If you were to ask the woman what was harder: "Single" Parenting or Avenging, she'd answer you before you could even mutter the second option. After now having dealt with a distraught toddler, and the six year old that's apparently going on sixteen she's absolutely besides herself.

You've barely said but three words to her since walking out on her the night of the party. Whenever you do call it's something along the lines of "Where're the kids," then you'd let Mason talk your ear off before sighing heavily as Lily says hardly a word before you're hanging up, leaving Natasha to deal with the even sadder toddler, and the brooding child.

When she'd arrived to Laura's without you, looking distraught herself she was met with an apologetic smile, then passed a crying toddler. Mason pulled his thumb from his mouth so that he could wrap his arms tightly around his mothers neck, then continued to lightly sob until he eventually cried himself to sleep. In contrast, Lily had greeted her with a beaming smile, and a hug that nearly toppled her over.

————

Natasha was currently drowning in a bottle of whiskey, kids finally down for the night, left wondering how in the hell everything had managed to get this bad. One day you're like giddy teenagers—crazy in love, the next you're fighting like those high school sweethearts who were bound by unwavering resentment and the accidents created in their early twenties.

The family she so desperately yearned for, then somehow against all the odds forged, is now broken, and she's fearful it's irreparably so. With no one else to blame but herself she can do no more than to wallow in her self pity. However, with the kids present she only has time to do so during the hours of 10pm to 2am, before she crashes on the couch—refusing to lay in the bed without you—for a measly four hours before the nightmare starts all over again at 6am.

——

You had spent that first night in the arms of your sister, crying all the tears you'd thought had already ran their course, but apparently that just wasn't the case.

"Let it all out little one."

"I'm not little." You'd grumbled through your pitiful sobs, feeling the way your sisters chest vibrated from beneath you as she laughed.

"You'll always be my little one Y/N/N..."

You scoff lightly, but betray your show of anger as you nuzzle impossibly closer to her for the much needed comfort, appreciative of the sporadic forehead kiss she bestows upon you.

Carol had tried to give the both of you space, but it was getting hard to do in their one bedroom apartment, and she honestly hurt the more she heard your sobs through the wall. With a light knock, and permission to enter granted she cracked the door open, juggling three mugs in her hand, and smiling at you.

Against their protests you'd crawled out of your sisters lap so they could cuddle; gratefully accepting the mug of chocolate goodness in return and cracking a faint smile at the intentional overload of whipped cream and marshmallows on your designated mug.

A curious silence fell in the room, your sisters head falling to her lovers shoulder while an arm wrapped loosely around her waist, the low drum of whatever late night comedy rerun that's on this early in the morning filling the room as you all sipped upon your drinks. Intrusive thoughts all flooding your mind once the surrounding silence seeped in.

"What did I do wrong?"

At the sound of your broken voice Maria was quick to settle both your mugs down on the side table, firmly grabbing your face to redirect your gaze to her as she gave you a firm glare. Having not seen you looking this small since your shared painful childhood, and just in this moment she could see herself pulling one over on the reformed assassin.

"Absolutely nothing. Romanoff is nothing more than an incapable idiot with the emotional maturity of a fruit fly, I told you that when you accepted the date, did I not?"

"Oh you hush..." You defeatedly groan, yanking your face out of her hands and dramatically flopping back onto their shared bed.

Maria jumps to fill the space next to you, jostling both yours and Carol's bodies as she touches down. Propping herself up onto her elbows so that she could stare down at you since you're laying flat on your back while Carol quietly grabs a blanket and slips out for her voluntary night on the couch.

"Seriously honey, you didn't do anything wrong. You've been an amazing mother to those beautiful children, and an even better wife to the woman who's left you high and dry more times than I can count."

Her thumb was quick to tug your lip from between your teeth, then to wipe away at the stray tears threatening to drip upon her sheets.

"It was so good you know... Before Mason was born we were doing so well, then somewhere between Lily's third birthday, and his birth something changed. After her mandatory three months off she returned to Shield, work had become her main priority, it was like she was moving on autopilot, she'd wake up, have her coffee, leave what felt like obligatory kisses to all of our foreheads as she exited, then she'd be gone all day, if not the rest of the week."

"Did something happen?"

"Not that I was made aware of, it wasn't even a gradual shift either; literally out of nowhere she became distant, then whenever I'd attempt to approach her it was a dismissive comment that led to a blowout fight. It was as if I wasn't even worth her time of day anymore, I just wanted to know what happened, so that I could try to fix it. What have I done that I am not deserving of at least that? I have given her ten years of my life, my twenties were hers, and I'll be damned if I'll waste my thirties miserable."

Maria releases a drawn out sigh, not entirely sure how to respond to you, but as your big sister she begins to work towards fixing things.

"I don't have the answers honey, only she would, but honestly I'm not sure she knows why either. I can however offer you what I do know. Natasha loves you a lot honey, even if her way of showing it is backwards, you can decide how you wish to take that information. Whatever you do Y/N/N, don't just go running back to her, but don't just throw in the towel either, not without at least one more attempt to fix things; don't be like our parents Y/N/N."

Maria watches you wincing at the mention of your late parents, but she feels the tough love angle is important, hopefully clarifying even.

"You've put in the work when it came to your trauma Y/N/N, you willingly sought out help, and you are the better one of us for it. You're two times the mother ours ever was, and that's a fact... Natasha, if we're being honest here didn't, and though incomparable hers runs a hell of a lot deeper than ours ever did. It seems to me that she only ever buried herself in you, willing your presence to make it all go away, and for awhile it probably did work for her."

It's true that Natasha had hardly spent anytime processing her trauma before she had met you. Freedom had never really meant free for her, she was able to "escape" the Red-Room with the help of Shield, and in turn she handed them her whole life until she found you, who she then passed the blazing torch to.

"From experience though we both know that's not how the healing process works, I think that something has potentially triggered her and without the resources to understand it's fair to assume she didn't even realize it. We both know she's too proud, afraid even to face the darkness that is her past, but I fear if she doesn't have the motivation to face it she'll just continue down this destructive path.."

Maria's words had struck a chord within you; running from your problems will get you nowhere, and throwing in the towel on your marriage isn't exactly your goal here either. Taking a step back sounded more like it, striking the fear of God into the redhead before you return to her with a list of ultimatums.

"Plus, she put in for a year off as soon as the undercover mission was forcibly extended, which we both know is huge. It's like the former assassin's equivalent to a root canal."

"Damn 'Ria, you should've been a shrink." You laugh out, then move to cuddle against her.

Your genuine laughter helped to soothe Maria's worried heart—you're going to be okay, it'll just take time...

—

The following morning you were off, not willing to stay in plain sight in case the redhead set off to find you. So, you did the next best thing by taking the offered jet—Maria's orders, and the accompanying black card from the millionaire's hand, his profuse apologies more than accepted since you'd now been given this freedom to travel the world as you'd always dreamed.

Taking off was rather liberating actually, first on your list was to travel within the states, and with the jet it made it a fairly easy conquest. Every sunrise, and sunset along with the designated meal times was spent within a new state, with the exception of California, Texas, Alaska and Hawaii being lucky enough to have full days. It took you exactly two weeks to travel to all the unseen spaces, and though it was exhausting at times you refused to miss it.

When you eventually arrived in California, you'd started with a walk along the Golden Gate bridge to catch the sunrise, feeling as free as can be once the ocean breeze hit your face. The way this one state had such a variety of climates had you in relative awe, viewing the snowy mountains off in the distance, while toes hesitantly dipped into Tahoe's crystal clear lakes. Quite the experience honestly, skipping the rocks while grubbing on some fantastic tacos from a truck. You'd enjoyed observing the entirety of the sunny state, forgoing Los Angeles for your children's sake, and honestly being grateful you weren't traveling by car, because the people here were truly reckless.

You were fortunate enough to catch a view of the Northern lights from quite a few states, you walked along the shores of beaches, and visited sights like the Space Needle, or "The Worlds Largest: Ketchup bottle, Cheese Wheel, Potato" and so much more that you'd never imagined needed to be memorialized.

After the states you traveled across the entirety of many contents, sightseeing at the forefront, but more so you'd been on a journey of self discovery. You'd seemingly forgotten yourself over the years after becoming a wife and then a mother, so you emerged yourself into a plethora of new worlds in search of clarity.

With every new adventure you'd found your soul feeling a tad bit lighter; even if your heart did hurt every time you heard your son shriek as you were hanging up, or your daughter's angry breathing on the other end of the line, and lest we forget the voicemails left in the middle of the night wearing you down just as much—you're not sure she even knew she was leaving them though.

The only clear problem ended up being how lonely you found yourself, it was so odd to you too because for as long as you can remember it'd always been just you. Sure, you had Maria, but with her climbing the ranks at Shield you were on your own a lot. Working on your undergraduate degree, which left you with so little time for fun, but full of hope for your prospective, bright future.

Then one day along while back Maria was invited to an event in which she refused to go alone, so she dragged your resisting form into a fancy venue against your will. Silently cursing her for having the upper hand of physical training on a regular basis over you. By the end of the event though you'd loosened up after having had your fill of champagne, and while dancing the night away you'd met the most gorgeous woman you'd ever laid eyes upon.

Natasha Romanoff, the woman you now call your wife, and the one who with one simple smirk, and a charming kiss to your hand had managed to reel you in. A whirlwind romance full of laughter, sex, and an abundance of love. Somewhere along the way though the laughter had died, and all you got were sparing moans, and loud screaming—not the good kind.

So, after two months of traveling, you shakily took the jet home to New York, then set off with your sister in tow towards the farmhouse. AirPods in playing your favorite podcast with your head leaning against the window to take in the New York skyline. Admiring the ways that the sun slowly rose, beams of light shining through the cracks between the skyscrapers. Maria sat beside you in her sunglasses, sipping upon her coffee while fulfilling her older sister duty of driving you through the city while Carol quietly sat in the back reading a book—you were starting to understand why she's such a good partner for your sister.

While you came to terms with a lot, and worked to understand your wife over blaming her you finally felt like you could breathe again. The last couple of months had been absolute hell for your wife though, your unwillingness to even share your location had been weighing heavily on the woman's heart, the possibilities for what you're doing were endless and that drove her mad.

Were you moving on?

Did someone else sweep you off your feet?

Is that why you haven't come back yet?

Did she really just ruin everything she spent years building up over her unresolved traumas?

The fear of losing you had always been her biggest, so she's not sure why she—entirely unprovoked, brought it to fruition.

Turns out your daughter was wondering much of the same... Lily had been hard on you, and had said some very mean things, but no matter what she could still depend on you to be there. Every time she would wake with a nightmare, even after treating you badly, she knew she could always climb into your bed at night. Without fail you'd pull her close, dry her cheeks, and sing to her until she was soothed.

Natasha sleeps on the couch though, and she's not getting much sleep as it is, so now she's left to face her fears on her own. The biggest one being that she somehow ran her mommy off.

Of course she did, she was cruel, and now you're just gone...

"Mama?"

"Hmm?" Natasha hummed, slowly peering over her third mug of coffee in under just an hour to see your daughter's distraught face.

"Oh lyubov', what's wrong?"

"I'm scared mama..." She cries, and Natasha rounds the counter, scooping the tiny girl up and into her tight embrace.

"Why are you scared angel?"

"I broke the family... I was mean to mommy, and now she's just gone... What if she never comes back? Mama, does she hate me? I-I. She's my mommy, she can't hate me... Right? I'd told her I hated her a day before she left, but I didn't mean it, I never meant it..." Lily says in a panic, her words incomprehensible near the end as she began to hyperventilate.

"Hey, slow down there angel... I need you to breathe for me baby, come on..."

Natasha is able to pull her out of the breathing fit, but her trembling body doesn't cease, Natasha just pulls her into her chest even tighter and rocks her tiny body.

"Oh Lily-bug... You have to know that your mommy doesn't hate you, she loves you so very much, don't you ever doubt that hunny. You also didn't break our family, I don't want to hear you saying that again."

"But—."

"No, you're the child here baby, you did not cause this. It was mama that messed up." Natasha firmly replies after taking a steadying breath, because admitting it out loud really hurt, but seeing her daughter riddled with guilt was somehow more painful.

"No, mama you didn't." Lily replies in a panic.

"Honey, I don't like saying it, but it's true. Mama made some really stupid choices, and now Mommy is just taking a little breather."

"What did you do?"

"I also wasn't very nice to mommy, I said some really mean things to her, and always ran away. Mommy did nothing wrong, but I still made her —."

Natasha pauses, decisively she reroutes the conversation, not really wanting to unload such heaviness onto the already fragile young girl in her arms.

"Honey, why were you mean to mommy, hm?"

"I thought when mommy yelled at you she was why you kept leaving, and that just made me so mad. You were always gone mama, and I just missed you so much... Yelling just made me feel so much better, but I know it didn't make mommy feel good, she cried a lot..."

"Me neither pumpkin, I do think it made her really sad, but she's smart—she knows you love her, I promise."

"Can you tell her sorry for me please? Maybe then she'll come home... I miss her, she's a good mommy... She also knows how to cook." She quietly asks over a yawn, her mother's light laughter and warm body lulling her into a much needed nap.

Your daughters confessions really weighs heavy on the former assassin, while barely being around she'd still managed to pass her anger issues off onto your daughter. Forcing her into such heavy feelings at such a young age; she'd always vowed to protect her family, but she knows now that she did the opposite here...

Failures never really been an option for her, and after talking things over with the innocent child she's aware that she'll need to work through a lot if she's ever going to fix this, which is the only option she's prepared for. She'd gone to text you for your daughter's sake, but then she decided that would be too cheap.

She'll call you later, hopefully you'll answer...

Little did she know you were currently stood behind the house, Maria headed towards the front door to enact her portion of the plan. Because had she known the house would be clean, and she would've showered as well.

Lily's quick to jolt up at the sound of the door, scrambling to her feet she runs over in the hopes that it's Lila, or Coop on the other side.

"AUNTIE MARIA!!" She shrieks, pleasantly surprised by her presence she all but jumps into her arms, then in a curious manner she looks over her shoulder hoping to see you.

"Hello there my favorite niece." She teasingly greets the young girl, eyes naturally taking in the mess of a woman on the couch before finally addressing her.

"Hey Nat, sorry for just dropping in, but would it be okay if Carol and I took the kids out for the day? Promise they'll be back by sunset."

"Of course. Let me just go get Mason up and dressed, then you'll be good to go."

"Ooh, can we go to the zoo? Oh, and maybe get ice cream?"

Natasha strides off towards your son's room, shoulders sagging as soon as Maria's no longer visible. For a brief moment her head falls against his door, a lone tear falls as she works to pull herself together just enough to send the kids off for their day of fun, and for her day of drinking to just start a bit earlier.

"Hey Mace, baby boy it's time to get up..." She coos, lightly shaking him awake, and just like clockwork he calls out for you, as he does every single morning.

"Mommy?!"

"No baby, it's just mama." She sighs in defeat, then lifts his body out of the dinosaur themed toddler bed to dress him.

She can't blame him, she misses you just the same, but it still stings for her to feel like she's not enough for him. It's her own fault, she's never been a consistent enough figure in his short life, and now he's only been left with her.

"Come on buddy, your auntie is here."

His face instantly lights up, and her heart breaks at the sight, knowing that he's bonded with his aunt in a way he still hasn't with her just hurts beyond measure.

"Auntie Riri?"

Natasha nods, then his hand drops from hers and he runs down the stairs to get to see for himself.

"No running down the stairs!" She shrieks, fear overcoming her at the possibility of him falling, but as she catches up to him all it did was make him hesitant to be near her.

Mason's not really used to yelling, he's always been a sensitive little one. Lily was a relatively quiet baby, her cries instantly soothed upon having her needs met. Mason was the opposite, crying regularly for more than the basic needs. Lily had been, and still is pretty independent, but Mason's always needed that extra bit of affection, and to accommodate him you'd taken the 'no need to shout' approach at parenting. Finding it for more beneficial in the long run anyways, as shouting was borderline barbaric, and emotionally harmful to any child.

"I'm sorry, mama just didn't want you to get hurt... Can I have a hug goodbye?"

He shook his head 'no' while hiding behind Maria's leg, but after he saw Lily hugging her he hesitantly made his way over too. Natasha heavily sighed at the contact grateful for even the most minor progress, then she placed a tender kiss to his temple before sending them both off with an 'I love you.'

Once they were out the door, and she heard the car had taken off she gasped as the immense, overwhelming sadness bubbled over into irrational rage, a framed family photo caught in the crossfire as she threw it against the wall. Crumbling to her knees at the same time the glass shattered across the floor, left to regret her actions the moment she had observed the scene before her.

Brushing the glass away she pulled the image into her trembling chest; it was a perfect photo.

Natasha and you had taken Lily to the secluded park up the road which was really just a tire swing, and a rickety metal slide. There you stood with a much younger Lily, her tiny arms wrapped around your throat, hanging off your back as tiny legs tried to wrap around your protruding belly—the left succeeded but the right was dangling. While you were fighting for your life Natasha had managed to run into the timed photo grabbing her leg, pushing her up and relieving the pressure upon your larynx. The photo captured as you took in an exaggerated breath, Lily's body towering above yours with a smirk to rival Natasha's, and Nat's other hand was on your stomach while her face was contorted fearfully. What a memory...

"That was a good day, one of our last ones actually." You suddenly said from behind her, causing Natasha to scramble to face you.

The sight of your normally put-together, fiercely strong wife stood before you as nothing but a shell of herself hurt you far more than you cared to admit. No matter how much damage or pain she inflicted upon the family you didn't necessarily intend for this response. Karma doesn't always do the job it's meant to, here it seems to have only broken her further.

"You're-you're really here..."

Natasha scuffled across the floor in a rush, paying no mind to the glass that's scratching up her exposed knees as her body's only goal is to reach you—to feel you.

"Yes, I think it's about time we talk..." You reply with an accompanying groan as her tear filled face slams against the fabric of your shirt, and your hand falls atop her head in a comforting way.

"Natasha... Get up..."

With all her strength she wills herself to let you go, then slowly she makes her way over to the couch where she sits with her bloodied knees pulled tightly into her chest.

Taking the moment to really observe her you see the distant look in her eye, and the olive complexion she once had has faded as if the sun just wasn't around anymore. It's more apparent than ever how much she truly needs some help. Three years of mostly being alone didn't do this to you, and she's only been here two months. Granted she didn't leave you fearing a divorce, but still, this is beyond a simple talk between two broken lovers.

With a familiar ease you had moved around the house, collecting the first aid kit and throwing the trash away as it littered the whole kitchen counters all while waiting on the tea kettle. Settling the mugs on the table you moved to sit beside Natasha, cautiously reaching out, but stopping once her hand wraps around your wrist.

"Leave it." She rasps, but you shake her hold and dab the gauze with antiseptic on the cuts.

"Natasha, I'm not going to leave you cut up."

"You left me..." Her words are merely a whisper, you continued to just work on her knees until you pulled your thoughts together.

The cuts were superficial, so after you slathered some ointment over them you left them uncovered then pulled back to finally acknowledge her heartbreak.

"Yes, I did do that, but I'm back now so that we can talk this out."

"I wanted to talk that night..."

"Natasha, this isn't going to work if we lie. You didn't try to talk, you tried to fuck me into submission, and it nearly worked—once again, but much like you I couldn't do this anymore. Going back to the way things were isn't an option for me."

"Detka, I promise we won't go back, but please don't leave again, I-I can't do this alone."

"Tasha, I'm back, but I'm not back as you want. I'm here to be a support system, to coparent our beautiful babies, and to make sure the house never looks like this again. I'll be staying in the guest room for now until we—."

"No-no... I don't want a fucking divorce, I want you Y/N/N, I want us—our family..." Natasha shouts while jumping to her feet and blocking you from leaving the couch.

"Then it's good we're on the same page then, because I want all of that too, desperately so. You have to stop interrupting me, stop jumping to conclusions, and stop making decisions for us. I don't see this marriage working if we just jump right back into it."

"Why can't we just be us now? I have ten months left of my time off, we can travel with the kids, we can be happy, I want to be happy."

"Being happy starts with you Nat, whatever it is you're holding onto you need to let it all go. You need to seek outside help, you're so angry, but deep down I know you're drowning in sorrow, and burying yourself in us clearly stopped working for you a long time ago."

"That's easy enough for you to say, how do I just let it all go? All that I've lived through, that I've done to others, I'm just meant to let it go?"

"Yeah, you need to let it fucking go, because the longer you hold on, the more you're going to continue to lose. I've never been a fan of ultimatums, but fuck, Natasha this is mine!"

"What are you saying?"

"You need to get help, or this won't work, and then divorce would be our only option. Our kids deserve two happy parents, I refuse to be to my children what my parents were to me. Maria and I survived by the skin of our teeth, and I'll be damned if Lily and Mason are made to do the same. We have a chance here to give our kids what we never had and we're fucking it up Natasha. Mason deserves to know his other mother, and Lily shouldn't have to hate me to love you."

Natasha's taken aback by your words, looking deeply into your eyes she sees this is truly it. Either she gets the "help", or you're gone for good, and two months without you was enough for her to never want that again, so she nods. Then taking tentative steps she moves forward until she straddles your lap, and buries her face into the crook of your neck.

"Natasha..."

"Please...? Just hold me, please..."

Your arms wrap around her waist, allowing her this moment of comfort, because in the end she's still your wife, and she's not a horrible person, she's the furthest thing from that.

"I promise to fix this Y/N/N... I can't lose you, I won't survive it."

"I know you will Tasha, and I promise to be here every step of the way, now get some rest."

You pulled the blanket from off the top of the couch to place over her, turning the TV on low to watch a random comedy rerun while you simultaneously soothed the body atop of yours until it fell slack. Then after she was in a deep sleep you placed a lingering kiss to her forehead before gently slipping her onto the couch and moving to clean up the disaster that is your shared home before getting started on dinner.

—

Maria came back three hours later with a sleeping toddler and an exhausted little girl. With her spare key she unlocked the door, and as soon as the smell of borscht hit Lily's nose her whole body perked up, dropping her aunts hand in favor of running into the kitchen.

"Mommy you're back!" She shouts excitedly, but you're quick to shush her while also dropping to your knees to fully embrace her.

Once you've got her in your arms you stand once more, stirring the soup when you feel her body start to tremble in your hold.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

You tried to set her down but her hold became unbearably tight and you realized she was indeed scared

"Put him with Nat, and stir the soup please. There's bowls for all of us." You instructed your older sister, ignoring the playful muttering of 'bossy' she throws your way as you make your way upstairs.

Once the both of you came back downstairs Natasha already had Mason in his seat, and was helping Maria to set the table. Maria noticed you first, sending up a sympathetic smile when your eyes instantly fell to the to go containers in her hand.

"Duty calls." She jests with the tupperware lifted in the air and arms wide open to say goodbye.

You'd walked around the corner, and while hugging her goodbye Mason began to squirm in his seat so you cut the embrace short and moved to pick him up, and for the third time today someone was clinging to you like a koala.

That night you went to sleep in the guest room with Mason already clinging to you, and by the time the clock struck one your bed was full. Though it wasn't part of your plan, you knew it would be an adjustment, so for the time being you let it be, and if you were being honest with yourself really it wasn't that hard to do.

——

Natasha was really starting to wonder if divorce was that bad as she sat in the waiting room to meet her therapist, the one designated for the Avengers, and all their extended members.

She's lived a whole life without you, she could easily do it... right?

"Natasha Romanoff? Miss Montague will see you now."

Natasha took a moment to collect herself, wringing her hands out a few times before switching a flip and confidently walking through the doors as the perplexed receptionist stood in wait.

Natasha entered the woman's office and the sight of the tidy, almost clinical environment had her stomach turning with uneasiness. Regardless of her feelings though she sat down, and for her entire session just sat there staring the woman down, the psychologist's gaze never wavering as she left the floor open to her.

"Well, Mrs. Romanoff that was a great first session, I'll see you again next week at the same time, thank you for coming in."

Natasha scoffs as she's practically shoved out of the office, but for some reason she can't fight the fact that she feels microscopically better.

—

The next session's a bit more involved as she introduces "herself" to the woman, barely scratching the surface when she mutters out:

"I'm Natasha, and I'm here to fix my marriage with Y/N, and then hopefully we'll be a happy family again."

Natasha felt incredibly brave for having even mentioned the problem at hand, but Miss Montague felt differently, as she chuckled inappropriately in response while closing her notebook and leaning onto her elbows that were flat on the desk separating them to hold her stare as she spoke.

"That might be your goal Natasha, but that's not why you're here, so how about we try to get passed this game of surface level deflection here and you can tell me exactly what I need to hear to get you to where your wife and kids need you to be, and where you deserve to be."

Natasha abruptly stood at the women's words, followed shortly by the slamming of her doors, and when she was about halfway home on her bike she pulled off onto the barren exit and burst into tears. Thirty minutes later she was back in the office, and angrier than ever.

"Listen, this is all so fucking pointless! Y/N deserves better than me, she always has. I'm nothing more than a trained killer, these hands were designed to inflict pain, not to show love. I was selfish, I wanted something I was never meant to have, and now they're suffering because I can't live up to it. My son won't even look at me now that Y/N's back home, and my daughter is still so angry because I taught her to be nothing more than that. Y/N's trying to fix me, but I don't think that's possible, why can't she fucking see that? She wants me to let go, but it would be so much easier if she was to do it instead, she should just let me go..."

"Well that's just not true Mrs. Romanoff, I'm sat here before you and I see so much more than what you are saying. You are a wife, and a mother, and just because you obviously feel undeserving doesn't change the fact that you've made these decisions that led to where you are. We also both know you wouldn't even be here if you wanted her to leave you. Something I'd said clearly upset you, and you're just trying to protect yourself. Self preservation can be just as detrimental as it can be beneficial."

Natasha's anger was slowly fading to sadness, feet moving of their own accord to have her sitting down before her therapist once more, her cracked heart somewhat ready to listen to reason.

"Here's what I'm going to offer you from this moment forward. You'll be honest, completely, because I'm here to help you out—not judge, and there's nothing you'll say that will scare me off either. I'm the Avengers shrink for Christ sake, none of you got here because you had normal upbringings. Honesty is the only way we get you healed Natasha, so if you're down to try, I'm here to help. If you're not then I fear you'll lose everything, and as much as you try to hide from me I can see the fear in your eyes at that very prospect. I'm not in the business of sugar coating—you won't survive this loss."

—

The next few sessions work much the same, Natasha tells partial truths, gets called out, and then after a moment of anger she reveals more of herself to the shrink, and little by little you begin to take notice of her at home.

The new effort she is putting forth is obvious, and you can easily tell it's organic and not some temporary forced fix to convince you. Without overstepping, or halting her progress you make a conscious effort to give her more. Subtle initiations of physical contact, late night walks as a family, and family movie nights with the Barton's where you sit beside her and allow your fingers to brush. Natasha appreciates the intimacy, but she'd be lying to say she doesn't want more, feeling like she's flirting with the idea of dating her wife is just strange to her.

—

"So, Natasha, it's been two months, and as great as this is going we've already reached a sort of plateau, I know somethings holding us back. How are things with Mason? Let's talk about him and what is it that changed be—."

"You know, Lily did this adorable thing when she was a baby. She'd purse her little lips, and just blow these little spit bubbles, Y/N thought it was so gross, but it was honestly really cute."

"Natasha, we're talking about Mason here."

"There's nothing to say, he's my son, but clearly I'm not his mama..." She snaps, a certain edge to her voice that shows she's uncomfortable, but is that not what therapy's meant for...?

"He's three, and you weren't exactly there, if I remember correctly you missed his last birthday."

"I was on a mission..." She weakly defends, but from previous sessions they both know it was an avoidable one.

"Doesn't change the fact that he has a right to be hesitant of you, but you however have no right to give up on him, so let's go through the days leading up to his birth. There has to be something we're missing here, or better yet something you're holding onto and refusing to let go."

"Everything was fine."

"Natasha, stop deflecting."

"No, it was, Y/N was so cuddly and needy just like when she was pregnant with Lily, it was perfect. Then she gave birth, and when we got home he just wouldn't stop crying, and I-I..."

Natasha can't exactly fight the tears as she is violently thrown into an unfavorable memory from her past, one that she'd suppressed with a bottle of vodka within the same night—perks of being the top widow at the time.

•~~~~~•~~~~~•—•~~~~~•~~~~~•

"Natalia, these are the targets, leave nothing behind. Are we clear?"

"Yes madam." Natasha monotonously responds, politely grabbing the file out of her hand then she's making her way to the weapons room to gather her collection.

She'd taken two trains and a bus, completely undetected, and she's just as efficient when she climbs into the German Townhouse to wait for her targets to return home. The file, as usual, proclaims these individuals to be traitors of the highest degree and she knows better than to ask for clarification. Harsh training had left her void of the will to ask, but it never left her without a deep pain in her chest.

She was observant as can be, the room she climbed into told her that she'd been sent to kill someone's parents, but the file didn't. Natasha was trained to kill, it was an effortless swan's dance at this point, but killing children was a hard concept for her, she'd never been made to kill one before, and she's not entirely sure she had it in her.

The sound of a door clicking announced to her of their return, she shook the fear from her heart and made her way through the halls. The parents knew immediately that this was it, the cold breeze in their house enough of a warning, but they knew better than to run. Instead they shoved their four year old into the specialty designed closet, texted a friend for his safe retrieval, then sat on the couch.

Natasha rounded the corner to see them, their pensive expression telling her that they're ready, so she makes it a quick process for them. Two silenced gunshots, one between his eyes, the other right through her chest, then she goes to head for the closet; mind on autopilot as she wills her body to kill the innocent child, after already killing the most likely just as innocent parents.

"Bitte tu ihm nichts, sie wissen nichts von ihm, lass ihn gehen. Er ist ein guter Junge"

(Please dont hurt him, they don't know about him, let him go. he's a good boy.)

Natasha hesitates with her hand over the closet doorknob, she could just go, her mission for all they know is completed, but she had express instructions to leave nothing behind, and nothing includes witnesses, but he had yet to see her face.

"Das verspreche ich." The dying mother pulls her from her internal debate as she pleads once more for her sons life.

(I promise)

Natasha sees the look in her eyes, the honesty jumping out as the life itself drains from them, and Natasha decides in the moment it is best to leave him be, so she wipes the gun to place in the husbands hands, then she disappears into the shadows.

"Mama.. Mama wake up.." He cries over the limp body, her green eyes notice his desperate pair of blue from the shadows she hides in.

His tears never stop, heartbreaking sobs continue to leave him as he lays his head over his mothers chest, her stilled heart beneath his ears. Her own guarded heart shattering as she watches the innocence slowly leaves him, the same way she'd watched it leave Yelena's, all the while ignoring the little girl that she once was. She finally leaves the scene after the boy's received safe passage, but his cries for his mama never once leave her mind, deeply etched into her heart, left there to remind her every day that she is the monster they set out to make her.

•~~~~~•~~~~~•—•~~~~~•~~~~~•

"Natasha, that wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was, why can't you see that?"

The shrink stops herself from interjecting, seeing this as a potential breaking point for the former assassin as she'd yet to tremble like this before.

"What's worse is that was my last mission before my deflection, the same one that left me to murder a little girl in the name of freedom. Couldn't kill him, but for an end to my own suffering I could kill her, and it turns out I didn't even do that right; I just disfigured her and left her and my little sister Yelena behind to fend for themselves against that vile man—I'm no better than he is, can't you see?"

Miss Montague takes cautious steps to kneel before Natasha who's sat on the couch, taking her hands into her own for the obvious needed comfort, and Natasha's teary eyes lift to meet her softened brown ones.

"How can I hold my crying baby, and try to soothe him and allow him to find comfort in calling me mama when that little boy never got to do the same?"

"Natasha, you didn't have any say in the matter, and when given the choice you actively spared him. Nothing you did is something that I can forgive you for, and it seems to me you're unwilling to forgive yourself. You have to stop torturing yourself for the things you were forced to do, you need to then seek forgiveness, and maybe then you can forgive yourself too."

"What? Am I just meant to find him and say 'Sorry for killing your parents?'" Natasha snaps at her shrink for what's probably the millionth time, but Montague isn't phased.

"No, that's too literal, and a bit morbid. Seek it out where you can actually get it."

"Please, stop speaking in riddles for once!!" She groans, hands yanked back to run down her face in frustration.

"Yelena—start there, you've made amends, but now go and say sorry again like you mean it. Next apologize to Y/N, share with her what you can, then say you're sorry for the last three years you couldn't be who she needed you to be. Then finally, look Mason in his eyes, and force yourself to feel the love he has for you. When Y/N left he trusted you enough to care for him, and when given no choice you were able to do it; it's honestly likely his hesitation is spurred on by your own to let him love you."

Natasha nods in sudden understanding, frantically jumping to her feet she bids her goodbye with the promise of seeing her next week, because they're far from done here. Leaving to race off to Yelena's, a pitstop for booze a necessity before she's then pounding on her sister's door.

"Natasha, what are you doing here? Did something happen to Y/N? The kids?"

"I'm sorry."

Yelena, though confused, closes the door as her frantic—seemingly unhinged—sister brushes past her to sit on the couch and pops open two entire bottles of vodka.

"Natasha, what are you—?"

"Sidet!"

Yelena sits, not entirely sure why she's taking orders from her sister in her own house but alas she does it, gratefully accepting the bottle of booze in temporary lieu of an explanation.

Natasha and Yelena drink silently for an hour before the redhead bleeds her heart out to her little sister, to which Yelena embraces her wholeheartedly, and repeatedly reassures her that she's more than forgiven. Truly, both of them needed this moment of brutal unpacking. Yelena feels far less alone in hearing her sister's struggles when compared to her very own, and Natasha never realized how much she needed the forgiveness of her mladshaya sestra until she genuinely had it.

"Natalia, I forgive you, and I love you so much..."

——

Natasha's appointment had been at 2PM, and seeing as how she missed the family movie night you were feeling a whole hell of a lot when she still hadn't shown at 10PM. An all too familiar pain reemerging in your chest as you start to think that all the progress had been an elaborate ruse, that your marriage was over.

The wine clouded your mind, and the tears readily fell as you began to come to terms with the end of all you'd ever wanted. Sounds, and visuals around you blurred, leaving you to miss the jingling keys, and the fast approaching steps, all that brings you out of it is the feel of rough hands holding your face.

"Detka, what's wrong?"

Her voice—deep, sexy, full of love and concern, but mostly infuriating.

"Don't touch me."

Natasha ignores you, quickly lifting your body up and carrying you out to the porch to avoid waking the kids.

"I thought you were getting better, but it appears to me it was a short lived fantasy." You seethe as soon as she settles you down.

"Detka..."

"No, I'll have all your stuff packed by tomorrow night, you can stay at the Barton's."

Natasha's hands firmly grip you by the shoulders, guiding your body into the pillar before she shouts in your face.

"I'm sorry!"

Natasha and apologies don't usually happen often, so your mouth shuts and your eyes widen, opening the floor for her to elaborate.

"We had a breakthrough today..."

Her trembling lip, and disheveled features finally catch in your visual, so without a second thought you pull her into your embrace and settle the both of you down in the swinging chair, hand over her own to comfort her.

"I went to see Lena, and we had a breakthrough of our own actually..."

Her fingers play with the rings on your fingers, head adjusting on your shoulder so that she could peer up at you when she spoke next.

"... I've done bad things Y/N/N, and I'm scared that if I tell you exactly what I've done you'll run, and that'll hurt me so much worse than you leaving because I pushed you to do it."

"Have a little more faith in me Nat, I didn't exactly enter this relationship lightly, nor did I bring children into the world with you without thinking it through. I know enough about your past to know you've been made to do some horrific things but that's neither her nor there. Your past changes nothing for me, because above all else I know your heart, and it's gold... After the last three years I wouldn't still be fighting for us if I didn't know that my Natty is still in there deep down."

Natasha sobs against your chest, but unlike the last few times it's obvious to you this isn't a pity party, or some ploy to get you to give in; this is raw, unadulterated pain and you can tell that much by the way her body violently shakes and how she has to work overtime just to breathe air into her lungs, her heaving chest without reprieve causes a panic to settle deep within your body.

Terrified you do just about everything you can to calm her down, but the only thing that ends up working is the shock of your lips firmly pressed to hers. Once she catches up she's desperately trying to kiss you back, hands linking around your neck to keep you planted there, and for just a moment you give into the euphoric feeling of having your wife's body flush against your own, arms wrapped tightly around her waist.

"Tasha, honey... Let's focus here..."

"I'm so sorry Y/N, I never meant to hurt you this badly, I was just so scared..."

"I get that honey, but what exactly happened?"

"Mason... He—."

Your heart twinges in anger at the mention of your beautiful son's name, but you hold back, allowing her the chance to explain before you prematurely lose it on her.

"He triggered something in me, I'd buried it for so long that I'd began to live my life like it never even happened, and that just makes it so much worse because I didn't deserve to forget. I deserved to feel miserable for what I did."

"Did you have a choice?"

"I don't know, it was my hands was it not?"

"Tasha, just tell me what you need to, help me to understand. I want to forgive you, and most of me already has, but you need to work with me. You can't just say Mason's the problem, then not tell me why, that's our son in there."

"That's not what I said, I said he triggered me, he's not the problem, he never was, I am." She huffs angrily, all her previous sadness from the painful memories crashing down on her again.

"None of that either Tasha, you're not the problem, you're just dealing with them. What do you need from me? A promise? I promise that I love you, and no matter what you say I still will."

"I-I love you too..." She quietly whispers as she takes a steadying breathe before sitting up straighter to finally open her heart to you in every way that she always should've.

Natasha candidly speaks, and you quietly listen while using your legs to get the chair to swing. Watching the pain swirling beneath her eyes and using your touch to soothe her as best you could, but your heart was absolutely breaking for the uncharacteristically fragile woman. Her words eventually died off once her twisted tales came to an end, she just resided in your lap, sniffling every once in awhile as she came down from her heightened storytelling and you got your thoughts together.

"Oh honey, my beautiful, sweet angel, none of that was your fault, and you shouldn't have to carry the burden of it either. You won't want to hear this but you were just as innocent as he was, you were just doing what you had to to survive, and the fact that you hesitated told me that boy was always safe with you. These hands of yours are built to love, and have been used to do so countless times, and I know they'll continue to do so as we navigate through this life together." You reason, your right hand rising, thumb slowly tracing over her features while wiping away at her tears, and pulling her lip from between her teeth before dropping to lift her hand up, and slowly linking your hands to provide emphasis to your words.

"I mean, look at you now. Everything they said you couldn't be you became it anyways in spite of them, you became a mother, you're my wife, and fuck Nat, you're even a superhero. So many little kids look up to you; for all the lives that you've been made to take you've made up for it tenfold with the one's you've saved." You reply, an obvious air of anger to your tone as you passionately do so, only really softening at the subtle flinching of her features.

"That little boy, as tragic as his story was is most likely doing just fine Nat. Children are so incredibly resilient, and he was so young that his brain most likely shielded him as he aged. The only ones to blame here are the redroom—Dreykov or Madam, shit—even his parents. They brought him into the world knowing the enemies they made, and instead of protecting him they left him open to a world of hurt. A parents love for their child is supposed to be strong enough to put them first, and they failed to do that, they were selfish and held onto him until their dying breath, and nearly cost him his own life."

Natasha's face twists as your hopeful words hit, she'd never imagined him as doing anything other than suffering, so to imagine he somehow overcame it and is thriving is a nice perspective, and she knows you're more than likely right.

"Forgive yourself for not being able to undo all the pain you've caused so that you can finally be free Natalia; Forgive yourself for not being the person we all needed you to be; Forgive your inner child for the life she never got to live, and learn to heal her through our kids; Forgive yourself so that we can love you fully, because that's all we all want to do."

Natasha's body began to tremble once again as your words permeated deep into her psyche, but then a soft sniffle from the left caught both of your attentions, the assassins head lifting and her bleary eyes settling on the petrified young boy. Stood there with a thumb in his mouth, a blanket and teddy clutched to his chest, and eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Mama, please no cry..." He himself sobbed, tiny empathetic body rushing to climb onto the swing, struggling as he does.

He forcefully squeezed into the space between the both of you, laying his blanket over his legs and delicately placing his teddy into her arms while twisting and throwing his tiny arms tightly around her neck and burying himself against her. Natasha's right arm stays behind your back, but her left desperately clings to his body, and once her eyes meet your adoring ones the dam breaks wide open, tears never stopping no matter how hard he pleaded with her through his own sobs to stop, both only ever ceasing to do so when the both of them fell asleep on your lap.

"Hey there, need some help?"

Your gaze slowly travels from the peaceful faces sat upon you over to Clint, and he sends you an easy smile.

"How'd you find us?" You tease the former spy, and he quirks his brow at you playfully before gesturing to the brunette who was stood in watch upon the porch next door.

He's quick to approach with buff arms at the ready to free you from your pretty comfortable confinement. He follows behind you with the mother son duo still fast asleep against his chest, and you open the door to your shared room for him to settle them down in the bed.

"You going to sleep in there with them tonight?" He quietly asks you as he leaves the door open just a crack, and judging by the inflection in his voice he's clearly aware of your sleeping schedule as of late.

"Mhm, I'm just going to get her some Tylenol, and water for the headache she's likely to have come morning, thanks for your help Clint." You politely reply, avoiding his attempt to snoop for his wife—the sneaky little minx she is, then you wish him a goodnight while locking the doors.

Shutting down the house you happily throw back the remainder of your wine glass before making your way to bed, nearly going into the guest on instinct before redirecting your feet. Upon entering the room you see Natasha had shifted to her back, and Mason was completely on top of her, then you noticed the slightly older child had found residence in your spot, so you gently shifted her slumped form over to crawl into the bed.

"Fuck... We're never almost divorcing again." You quietly groaned at the feel of the tempur-pedic mattress beneath your aching back.

"Please, can we not? The couch really sucks..." Natasha whispers back, and you peep open one eye to see her staring at you while her hand soothing runs down Mason's spine.

Both of you share a bittersweet chuckle, locked eyes conveying all the rest of the unspoken words, and though there's still a lot of work to do, you're more than content knowing that your Natasha's the one laying beside you.

——(Bonus)

"I go with mama!" Mason shrieks as you hold his wiggling form while waiting in the insanely long line for Dumbo, Lily stood beside you with a 'not this ride' face, and you feel rather giddy at the thought of having tricked her into thinking that 'Its A Small World' is the best ride yet, and that's what's up next.

"Yes, you will go with mama!" Natasha beams, with a proud smile when she looks to you, lightly pecking your lips while seamlessly passing the churro over to your hand in exchange for the toddler.

"Thank you honey." You cheer, followed by a moan as the flavors melt onto your tongue, and after only two bites in peace you reluctantly give all present parties a bite, to then losing the treat all together as Mason bats his eyes at you.

"You're welcome." She giggles, then your group is suddenly ushered into the fast pass lane when Natasha's recognized by a worker.

"Perks of being a superhero." You muse with a wink thrown her way as you lift Lily up and into the elephant.

After the initial jolt into the air you admit that flying through the sky is nice, your heart also soaring at the sight of your reluctant daughters subtle quirked lips, desperately trying to hide her satisfaction with the ride, and also at the way your wife and son are happily flying in front of you. Natasha's smile never once falls as he happily dances in the seat beside her, finger nonstop pointing out all the magical sights that Disneyland has to offer.

"Mommy..."

"Yes Lil?"

"I love you..."

"I love you too angel." You coo, placing a kiss to her forehead as the ride settles, along with all the residual tension this year had to bring.

Meeting your wife at the exit with a tired six year old on your hip you find she has the much more energetic three year old sat upon hers, naturally the both of you link your free hands and set off in search of your next big adventure.

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10,135 Words — Jesus this was definitely a lot.

Sorry if it hurts more than you expected, happy for you if it didn't hurt at all, either way enjoy.

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607 notes · View notes

blacksapphhicmaddonna · 1 year

Text

I WOULDN’T DREAM OF IT.

Chapter 2 - Roll The Dice

Black!Carol Danvers x Maria Rambeau

Ft. Monica Rambeau

CW: slight mentions of- homophobic slurs(not written out), deciding not to report harassment in the military, one mention of a security/police officer, being drunk/partying, minor cuts/scrapes/bruises, parenting, loss of a parent, childhood trauma, regaining lost memories. also, a big part of this chapter is set in a flashback. nothing too crazy for any of this, but I just want everyone to know that these things are mentioned!

A/N: hey y'all! so, I wrote this like a book. it's long per usual, and this one's a bit angsty but nothing too serious. also sooooo sorry this is so late lmao, life comes at you hard and fast sometimes but we getting it together every day! I'll try to be quicker w/ updates🫡. much love, muahhh. thank you for reading! x ps. this isn't proof read bc I stayed up til 6:30 in the morning to finish writing it LMFAOO.💀 I'll come back at some point and proof read it, but sorry for any typos/grammar/syntax oddities as always.

Word Count: 19,078 (jump scare🫣)

Link to AO3!

title header & mood art by me⋆˙⟡♡ pls don't use/post elsewhere without asking! (lmk if y'all like it though! i'm thinking about doing stuff like this for all/most of my fics maybe)

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ Taglist⋆｡ﾟ ☾ﾟ｡⋆｡︎☁ﾟ｡⋆:

@mybonafidefeelings @maysflourish @nanajen8

also go read @mybonafidefeelings's new danbeau/carolxmaria series RIGHT NEOWWWW if you haven't already🥰

and while you're at it, go check out all the fics everyone in the taglist have written! they never disappoint!

here we gooooo, I hope you enjoy part two.💗

Once Monica finished her breakfast, she helped Carol clean up while she told her stories about her friends at school, all the inventions she'd come up with, and any other story her mind mustered up. She wanted to fill in as many blanks as possible for her other mother. Carol listened intently, taking in every moment of her daughter. She wanted to remember everything, even the things that might not seem important to other parents in different circumstances. She wanted to be able to reference these stories, prove that she remembered, that she cared enough to listen. Partly because her own parents never showed an interest, instead always finding the time to show their genuine dislike for her for whatever many reasons they had, or just disregarding her altogether. But also because Monica had always been so welcoming, so ready to receive her back like nothing had happened - or maybe like everything did happen and she still chose to hold on tight to her mother, choosing not to let the time separate them. So Carol held on tight too, wanting to prove she was reliable to the girl. She appreciated how open Monica was to her returning, but she also knew she had been gone for a long time. Longer than she should have been, she often thought. She knew that Monica was young, and might eventually change her mindset on the matter. She had every right to. It would make sense to feel some kind of way, and that scared Carol to her core. So she wanted to at least try and show up in the best way she could. Be present, be a mother - not just someone who literally drops in every now and then. She wanted to give the girl something she could hold onto, something she could trust.

Carol was always so in awe of both of the Rambeaus. Even though Maria always said that she and Monica were so much alike, she loved how much she was just like her mother too. Stubborn, but sure of herself. Interested in everything, always ready to learn and push forward - but soft, in her own way. Gentle, patient and kind. They both would go out of their way, even if it didn’t always seem like they were. She looked like her, too. Her brown eyes, her hair, the way she walked. She was just like Maria in the best ways (not that there was a bad way to be like Maria Rambeau), and also very much just herself. Just Monica, and she was the most amazing child the world had ever managed to produce. Carol was sure of it.

When they had finished in the kitchen, Carol decided to take a shower too. The hot water should be filled up again, and she was starting to feel the leftover sweat from last night mixing with the approaching heat from the day. Monica sat on the couch and turned on some cartoons, feeling fulfilled from breakfast which made Carol feel proud of herself for a lot of reasons. Cooking was something she always struggled with because she never had anybody to teach her. Maria thinks she might just naturally be a clutz in the kitchen too, but regardless, she worked with her for years as they grew up trying to teach her how to cook, giving her the gentle instruction and patience she never had. Usually to no avail, but it was a fond memory for both of them. Carol smiled, thinking that if her success in making pancakes this morning was any indication of the kind of day she would have with her daughter, she was sure it would be a good one. She wandered back upstairs, running her hands along the walls that still had blue and purple marker stains on them in some spots. As she walked through the hallway towards her shared room, she passed Monica’s room and couldn't help but smile. The girl’s room was what anybody would expect if they’d met her. A little messy, super colorful. She had her personality everywhere. A model of the solar system she had made when she was a little younger for a school project hung from the ceiling over her bed. A stuffed animal Carol had won for her at a carnival when she was a toddler, Maria had one to match that she secretly kept hidden in the drawer next to her bed still. She had drawings on blue construction paper all over her walls, mostly of her inventions (she called them her blueprints). The one picture that was on regular white paper had the word “Family” written on it. A crayon picture of Maria and Carol, with Monica in the middle. Carol’s heart skipped a beat seeing it. She was so lucky, she thought again. She passed the door and made her way to the end of the hall with a happy stride. The day had just begun and she was already doing better than she expected.

She stepped into the room and paused, her smile growing inward in an almost shy way. She was greeted with the scent and feel of Maria. She inhaled deeply, feeling a level of comfort roll through her body and pang in her chest. Mmm. Carol whispered to herself, almost embarrassed. But she couldn’t help it. She was everywhere. As much as they had kept Carol present in their lives, making sure she was alive and never erased from her fingerprint on the home, it had still been years since Carol had been gone so it made perfect, almost comforting sense to her that they had made it their own. They had to make it comfortable, they had to fill in the empty space. Just like Monica’s room, Maria’s was a perfect snapshot of her personality. It was well kept, everything had a place to be. If it ever did get messy, Carol was sure it didn’t last long. She looked over the room, noting the books next to the bed where Maria slept, all of them half read with bookmarks Monica had made her in them. She looked at the tray of jewelry sitting on the dresser, full of small dainty necklaces and a few pairs of stud earrings with different shapes, and a few pairs of hoops Maria would only wear if she was going out. She looked at the closet, one side open from this morning. All the clothes are organized by color, with a few boxes sitting on the top shelf. Even the bed they had slept in, it was already made perfectly to military standards with the edges tucked in perfectly - except for the top where Maria had extra pillows, all with light purple pillow cases contrasting the perfect white ones underneath.

She looked at the picture frames sitting on Maria’s perfectly organized desk as she walked over to it. On the left side was a picture of her and Monica at a park that had to be fairly recent, a picture of Maria standing outside the SWORD office smiling huge next to an older man in uniform, and a picture of Maria with her brother which must’ve been years old because Maria looked like she was in middle school maybe, making Carol reminisce about the girl she used to know. On the right side of the desk sat two pictures that didn’t face in all the way like the other two, as if they were put there intentionally but also intentionally not looked at as much. One, in a light purple frame, was Maria’s mother. Carol had never met the woman but had seen her face many times growing up in Maria’s father’s house. It was the same then, almost like the woman must have put the pictures of herself up and they didn’t have the heart to take them down, but they tried their best not to look. Next to that sat a framed picture of Carol and Maria smiling at the local bar they used to go to, their uniforms half undone and Carol’s hair out of regs with her aviators pushed back and a red bandana around her head. She remembers the bar more now, Pancho’s. She had been there with Fury and it jogged a lot of things for her, but she so badly wants to remember that day specifically. She runs her fingers close to it, but doesn’t dare to touch. She tries to remember the song they would sing together, all the lyrics. She can’t but she remembers how it felt to jump around for hours and then walk home, too drunk most times, bumping into each other and letting touches and looks linger a little too long, and then having to get up early the next day. She remembers that they would take turns walking each other to their barracks, sometimes daring to sleep in each other's rooms when they thought they might not get caught, always leaving one of them to sneak out in the morning. Carol laughs, thinking about how Maria was right last night, and how she was always better at leaving quietly than Carol.

When her eyes refocus on the photo, she can’t help but wonder how many times Maria had flipped the frame over, hiding the memory from herself. She wonders, just for a moment, if she would’ve been able to live through the grief she put her through. She would never know just how bad it was for Maria, she would never be able to see from her eyes what the woman went through or how she pulled herself out of bed every day and raised a child by herself, kept working, started SWORD. She wondered if Maria ever went back to that bar, or if she ever listened to the song again. She would never know how the woman truly felt in those years or what she did to keep herself busy, and she didn’t think she’d ever feel right asking. She wanted to think about the past few months, after everything. She wanted to think about how it must be even worse, in a way, knowing that Carol was out there saving other people while Monica grew up and Maria trudged on with no choice. She wanted to think about it but couldn’t, knowing what would happen if she let her mind attach to the thoughts and feelings. She gazed at the photo again and turned away, deciding that maybe she didn’t need to remember everything right now.

She walked over to the box they had pulled out last night for her and started going through some clothes, looking for something to change into. She realized that while she was in space, her suit did all the work for her - she never had to worry about pulling an outfit together. It did the heating, drying, cooling, protecting her from any number of threats - all while containing her powers in a comfortable way for her. So as she sorted through her belongings, she was now also coming to the realization that it also had built in underwear. She only had two pairs of regular underwear to her name and she was wearing one of them. She frantically sifted through the big box to no avail. She questioned why she would only have two pairs of underwear, rather than all of her undergarments or none of them at all. She guessed that the Air Force had something to do with it, remembering that they had packed everything up for Maria to come pick up instead of letting her do it. She cursed them under her breath, mad that once again Maria had something taken from her, deciding that she had no option but to wear the pair of boxer briefs she had found and figure it out later. She grabbed the boxers, an old band tee shirt and a pair of jeans and headed for the bathroom.

When she walks in the bathroom, she can hear Monica’s cartoons from the living room.

“I’m gonna bathe myself, Lt. Trouble! Come get me if you need anything, okay?”

She yells down. She waited to hear Monica’s response and when she didn’t she paused completely, silencing herself and the air around her, cartoons still playing. She could feel her heartbeat pick up its pace.

“Mon? Did you hear me?”

She shouts again, a bit louder, trying not to let on to her anxiety.

“Okay Mom!”

Monica yells back, mind focused on her shows. Carol exhaled deeply, relief flowing through her body. She chuckled at mom, gratitude buzzing through her whole body. She was still a mom to Monica and that meant more to her than she could ever explain. She added “go to therapy” on her mental to do list and started stripping.

Once all the layers were off, she chucked her socks in the pile she had made and stepped into the deep tub, pulling a purple shower cap over her hair and bending down to turn on the shower. She pulled the stop up before balancing out the water and heard the water make its way up the long pipe to the shower head slowly as she pulled the curtain closed around her. She immediately screeched, feeling freezing water run over her body. She had forgotten that Maria took cold showers in the morning to wake her up. She scrambled, trying to avoid as much of the frigid water as possible while she flipped up the hot water handle with her toes, jumping up and down, somehow not slipping. As the water began to warm and steam up, she found herself laughing. Out loud. She couldn’t stop. Captain Marvel was giggling like a child (Once again proving Maria right). She slid down and sat on her butt, pulling her knees into her chest and let the water run over her back. She eased into the warm feeling, still feeling laughter bubble up inside of her. She closed her eyes and remembered the last time she felt the shock of cold water all over her.

It was late, or maybe early. Carol felt herself getting tired, but she wanted to keep dancing. She wanted to keep singing. She wanted to keep seeing Maria, feeling her brush up against her while they danced and twirled in sloppy, drunken harmony, singing poorly to whatever song was playing. She didn’t want to go to work tomorrow just to test planes she would never get to fly outside of base. She didn’t want to sleep in her own bed, unless Maria was in it. She just wanted to keep living in this moment for as long as she could. She looked over at her equally drunk copart, dancing freely with her eyes closed. Maria rarely let loose like this, but when she did it was beautiful. She commanded the room, everyone tuning into her wavelength, feeling her all around them. She made everything beautiful, and when she was carefree, it was like no one on earth had a care in the world either.

Maria opened her eyes to see Carol looking at her and she smiled that toothy grin she had, making the heat from Carol’s chest rise to her face. She smiled back, pushing herself closer to the woman through the people dancing around them. The dark liquor they had both been drinking was coursing through them and burning off with every move, sending sparks through both of their bodies while they watched each other bop to the music. Carol made her way over and laughed, making some comment about how only they could make old white men’s music sound this good. Maria giggled in agreeance, grabbing Carol’s hand and twirling her around. She was tired too, but she was happy to have a break. They had both been working their asses off and both felt the same frustration with the position they were seemingly stuck in. They were making their way up in rank, one then the other, every time. But two facts always remained. They were both Black Women. So the Air Force didn’t give them much reign, despite the fact that they were statistically and literally the two best pilots the Air Force had ever seen and a lot of people knew it. Despite all their talent and gusto, they did their diligence day in and day out. So, when they got the chance to be free from the monotony, they took it, hand in hand, happily.

As Carol spun back into the woman’s arms with a heaving laugh, they both smiled at each other widely. Maria couldn’t look away, she felt stuck as her eyes moved down from her friend’s eyes to her lips. Carol surprised her by grabbing her other arm and spinning her just how she had done, and pulling her in with a dramatic dip. Everyone around them cheered, drunk too. They laughed with their bellies, feeling the song in their chests. Carol pulled Maria up slow, just as the exciting song ended. The next song started and it was slower, and most people around them coupled up, only some seeming annoyed as they made their way off the dance floor and back to the bar and stools. The two women looked around them, then at each other. They both shrugged with a small laugh, and Carol pulled Maria in to dance. She made some joke about being proper while she found her hands at Maria’s lower back, making the woman laugh as she made herself comfortable around Carol’s neck and shoulders. They laid their chins on eachother and swayed, letting the joke of it all dissipate into the air. It was moments like this that they relished in, secretly. Every now and then, they’d allow themselves a second to breathe each other in. Usually when they were drunk and their inhibitions were low. For both of them, it felt like everything melted away. Just like when they were younger and neither had been asked to the school dance, so they took each other. They shared one slow dance that night, making the excuse that it was tradition and neither should miss out on their first slow dance. They had wanted to dance together at prom, but they had both regrettably had dates for once. Maria had been asked by a boy from her science class, he played on the basketball team and told her she was pretty AND smart (wow, how romantic, Carol thought when she heard the story).

Carol hadn’t been asked but when she found out Maria said yes after being pressured by her father and not hearing Carol make a strong argument against it, Carol forced some kid from one of her classes to come with her. All four had danced that night, split into the ‘correct’ gendered pairs. Carol couldn’t keep her eyes off her bestfriend, and the feeling was mutual. During the final slow dance, they were all on the floor swaying in and out of rhythm with the song playing. Carol and Maria locked eyes and didn’t unlock them until the song was over. They had danced again during their first military ball, quietly in the back behind a pillar where no one could see them. It was unspoken but well understood. They didn’t talk about it after, they just went about their business. They always did. And they would again after tonight, carrying on like time didn’t stop when they touched like this. As the music played, Carol’s hand rubbed Maria’s back absent mindedly, while Maria rubbed small circles against Carol’s neck as they swayed, both in and out of daydreaming, both drunk and leaning a little too heavily on eachother. They both fought the urge to look up at each other, so they let their heavy heads rest on each other as they danced, feet in perfect timing with eachothers. This is what friends do, right? They were so comfortable with each other, it wasn’t weird to slow dance. Right? They almost stopped moving entirely, leaving just a small rocking between them as the music played through them, syncing their breaths. You feel so good, they both thought at the same time, almost forgetting that their freedom in this moment was due to the cognac surging through them.

When time started again and the song stopped, an upbeat one replacing it, they both lingered for a moment longer trying to hold onto the comfort they felt, and trying to collect their drunk selves. Over the sound of the music, the bartender announced last call and they looked at each other with a mischievous smirk.

“Last one to the bar pays for the shots!” They said in unison, falling gracefully back into their routine. They ran over, both making it there at the same time, so as always they paid for each other’s shots and continued jamming to the music and letting the ambiance of the bar carry them through the rest of the night. Everyone knew everyone, so they felt safe, which was nice. As they finished their last two shots each, they both felt the drunkenness take its strong hold on them and they decided this would be their last song. They grabbed the karaoke mics that no one else wanted and belted at the top of their lungs, horribly but everyone loved it. They jumped up and down, bursting at the seams with laughter and lyrics, dancing with whoever danced with them. Once the song ended, they grabbed each other’s hands and ran for the coat rack, bounding forward despite their lack of balance.

Pulling on their jackets, they stepped outside into the cooler air and took it in. Carol checked her watch and was astonished to see the time, despite the fact they everyone knew last call at Pancho’s meant it was 2am and the bar would be closing at 2:30. She looked over at Maria who was staring up at the sky.

“What’re you look-”

“Shh! Make a wish! Right now before you miss it!”

Maria rushed Carol, keeping her eyes closed and her hands clasped together like she was praying, maybe even begging. Carol smiled, knowing the shooting star that must’ve passed was already gone, but she chose to believe the energy would linger for Maria and her. She closed her eyes and spent no time trying to figure out what to wish for. She knew exactly what she wanted, what she needed. They both did. Carol kept her eyes closed after she was done, letting her body relax and fully feeling the disorientation of her drunkenness. She felt woozy, almost nauseous. Maria stared at her while her eyes were shut, allowing her body to relax at the sight. She felt her body move for her, without permission. She grabbed Carol’s hand, shocking the woman’s eyes open and started running without any explanation.

“What are you doing Rambeau? Where are we going?”

Carol asked, confused, dizzy and feeling a familiar spike of excitement rise in her. Maria was even more daring and much less prudent when she was intoxicated. She was taking her on an adventure and she was ready to go. She would follow the woman anywhere, drunk or not.

“You’ll see. Don’t you trust me, Danvers?”

Maria called behind her, laughing and out of breath the whole time but never stopping. Carol didn’t need to answer, they both knew the answer. They kept up laughing, thankful for all the PT they’d been forced to do by the United States military. They ran down quiet streets for a few minutes, until they made it to a dirt path with a bunch of trees, leading them off the main road. Maria looked back at Carol with an excited and sly smile. Carol pulled her hand back and made her face her.

“You’re not trying to serial killer me, right? Where are you taking me?”

She laughed, but meant the question.

“C’monnn.” Maria tugged, wanting to live in the moment while she could.

“Don’t you trust me?”

She asked again, looking in Carol’s eyes with a glint, but soft. Penetrating, Carol thought to herself. She knew she couldn’t say no, she never could. So, she smiled and signaled for Maria to keep taking her wherever she was.

“Lead the way.”

This made Maria smile excitedly, adding an extra skip in her step. They weren’t running this time but they were walking fast, Maria jumping around Carol who felt like she was in a movie or a trance, eyes never leaving Maria’s dancing body as they made their way down the dark path, leaving her feet to trust whatever path Maria made for her. Maria saw a clearing in the trees ahead of them and she started running again, creating too much space for Carol’s comfort. She snapped out of her trance and ran after the faster woman, feeling anxiety and frustration rise in her for a moment.

“What the hell, Rambeau? It’s dark out here! You can’t just run o-” Carol started while she wiped the sweat and dust off her face. When she opened her eyes, she saw Maria standing at the edge of a lake surrounded by thick brown sand and trees. Maria waved her over and the frustration fled Carol’s body faster than it arrived. She jogged up to Maria who was already undressing, making Carol choke when she saw glimpses of Maria’s dark skin that she didn’t usually see. I mean, sure, they’d seen eachother in bathing suits and naked before, when they were kids, but it had been a while. A long while. Carol had to force her mouth shut before Maria could see it hanging open.

“Cmon, hurry up! We gotta jump in before my better judgement takes over!”

Maria rushed as she pulled off her socks and yanked her pants the rest of the way down, pulling them over her ankles. Carol was still frozen watching her.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared Danvers? Cmon! It’ll help with the drunkenness and it’ll be a story to tell our kids!”

Maria exclaimed, pulling her shirt over her head. All the was left was her bra and perfect light purple underwear. Carol snapped out of it and laughed.

“HA! What the hell are you doing? Don’t tell me you’re about to-”

“Skinny dip? Yes the hell I am. And so are you. Hurry up!”

Maria finished her sentence as she grabbed her hand, pulling her over and pulling the bandana off her head and tossing it with her own clothes she had made a pile of. She started pulling at Carols shirt sleeves until Carol brushed her away, laughing but really just unable to let Maria help undress her. She was suddenly feeling very shy but as always, Maria was going to get what she wanted from Carol because that’s what Carol wanted. Maria looked at her with that So, are you gonna do it or not? look that Carol was usually giving her and waited for Carol’s face to break into a smile she couldn’t help.

“I can’t believe I’m about to do this with you. Don’t cry to me when you regret it tomorrow and have to blow your hair out in the morning!”

Carol said as she pulled her shirt over her head and exposed her own body, one that Maria wasn’t sure how to fully take in either as she fought back a smile at Carol’s comment. She thought about the last time she’d seen Carol completely naked, or at least as naked as she almost was standing there. They used to get dressed in front of each other all the time and they’d been in matching bathing suits a bunch of times growing up but it had been a while, since they weren’t rooming together in the barracks. She forced her stare away while Carol undid her pants and slid out of them, leaving only her boy shorts, a bra and socks. She kicked her socks off to match as Maria finished pulling the rest of her underwear off, and by the time they both turned around, they were stark naked in the middle of nowhere, right in front of each other.

The silence sat for a moment before they both laughed, the tension easing away like it always did. Maria grabbed Carol’s hand and ran for the water, looking back only to ask You ready? as her feet made their way into the moist sand, inching towards the cold water. Carol shot back As I’ll ever be before making her way in too. They both plunged forward, swimming out a bit but not too far. They both shot under the water and looked at eachother, grabbing hands again before popping back up. The water rolled off of them as they broke through the surface, blinking it from their eyes and feeling their hair. They laughed loudly, finding their bearings in the freezing water.

“Holy shit!” Carol swore, bobbing a bit as she figured out how to float again. Still laughing.

“More like Holy FUUUCK!” Maria shouted out with a laugh in her voice, lifting it into the trees around them. She couldn’t stop laughing, and she couldn’t stop shivering. Carol looked at her as she held her free hand that she was using to balance herself with as she floated out to Maria who happily took it in hopes it would help stabilize her as well.

“You’re a god damn maverick, Rambeau!” Carol laughed as she spun Maria around, swimming in circles trying to keep her blood pumping to warm them both up. Maria swam gracefully, still holding onto Carol’s hand. She was laughing but she was also quieter now. Carol questioned if it was the cold or if it was whatever made her jump into a freezing lake anyway. She pulled her back in and held her hand tight as she pulled her onto her back, pressing her front to her back and taking deep breaths trying to stay warm while still enjoying the fluidity of movement the water provided. They both felt like they were flying, finally.

“What’s going on in your head?” Carol asked as she swam in different directions for a little bit, back and forth as Maria clung to her back, clearly the drunker of the two now. The shock of the water had helped to sober them both up but Carol always had a higher tolerance to alcohol as it was. She was still drunk but not as drunk as her bestfriend, whos head was resting on top of Carol’s wet curls. She knew the humidity and however she planned to get sleep that night wouldn’t help with her process in the morning.

“I just want to fly. I just wanna feel free, you know?” Maria started, not exactly slurring her words but they weren’t as uniform with her natural cadence as they usually were. Carol nodded slightly with a Mhm to assure Maria that she was listening.

“I just… I just wish we could do whatever we wanted to do. I’m so tired of living by the same rules every day. I wish I could just fly into space and stay there, sometimes, you know?” Carol smiled at the thought of Maria being able to fly how she was meant to. High up, above the clouds. Away from everyone and everything that constantly tried to tie her feet to the ground. She did know, she felt the same way about herself.

“You’d leave me here on earth to deal with these bastards?” Carol asked, joking but also not. Maria half laughed, half hiccuped at the thought.

“Wherever I am, you are too. That’s how it’s always going to be, Danver’s. I fly, you fly. You fly, I fly. That’s never gonna change.” Maria said, meaning it. She was always more emotionally open when she was drunk and Carol almost felt bad listening to her, knowing she wouldn’t normally open up like this - especially naked, freezing, clinging to her best friends back with all her might and drunk in a lake they had no business being in. But she couldn’t help but revel in what the woman was saying. She felt the same.

“I know. I know. Come on, lets go home.” Maria wanted to put up a fight but she was shivering and suddenly very sleepy, so she let Carol swim them to shore. When they got out the water, the warm air offered some support in their drunken attempts to pull on their clothing over wet and suddenly sand covered bodies. They weren’t sure if they were putting on the right things but they knew it was covering their important parts and that’s what matters.

“Can we stay at look at the stars for a little bit?” Maria asked, even though she was the one in charge, whether she knew it or not. Carol knew it. She nodded, knowing it wasn’t a good idea but one she couldn’t deny the soft woman in front of her. She spread their jackets out on the beach for them to lay down and they both did just that, scotting their bodies close to each other instinctively. They peered up at the stars above them, seeing them clearly in the huge circle the trees made. It was perfect, they both thought. Some moments went by before Carol asked a question.

“What did you wish for earlier?”

“Shh. I can’t tell or it won't come true. It was something I’ve always wanted, so it has to come true.” She explained, sleep and bourbon clouding her voice.

“Mine too.” Carol whispered, her own eyes growing heavy. They held hands and both thought that the other woman must’ve wished for them to finally be able to do their jobs the right way, to be able to fly for real. Little did they both know they were wishing for the same thing. Each other.

They laid there, staring at the stars until they weren’t. Sleep came easy for them that night, as odd as it was. It got odder when they woke up, facing each other with only a nose length between their faces, feeling the warm sting of the sun in their eyes. They looked at eachother and started laughing until they heard the familiar sound of security keys dangling and a radio in the nearing distance. They knew it had to be the wannabe cops that patrolled the area and they knew it was their time to get the hell out of there. They ran back down the same path and back onto the main road until they made it to Pancho’s. They slowed to a casual pace after that, trying not to draw attention to themselves even though they had sand all over and their hair was nowhere near what it looked like the previous night. They walked, quietly, but happily together back to the barracks and passed out in Maria’s room. She wanted the comfort of her own space to ease through her impending hangover, but she needed the comfort of Carol’s arms too. Carol put up no fight, trying not to be too obvious that she wanted to be there too. Though she’d never tell, Maria positioned herself perfectly to be held and went right to sleep.

Carol stayed up until she fell asleep like she always did, making sure she was on her side in case she threw up or needed water. She watched as Maria slept, looking like she was floating again. She was so beautiful and Carol was so tired. She laid down and held the woman, her arms perfectly fitting into the space that was left, like it was made for her. They slept most of the day away and when Carol woke up, she set medicine next to Maria’s bed and snuck out, quieter than normal. She thought about what Maria had said when she was in the water as she walked back to her room to take care of her own hangover and messed up fro’. She promised herself that day that no matter where she flew, she would make sure Maria would be there too. Behind that promise, she knew that she would follow Maria to the end of the earth, even the end of the universe without a second thought. She tried to shake some self respect back into her own dreams, smiling despite herself and went to sleep. She dreamed of Maria, because Maria was her dream.

Carol’s day dreaming was interrupted by a cold surge through the shower head again, and the sound of the downstairs sink running before being cut off. Her super hearing alerted her to the sound of Monica filling a cup and going to sit back down. She buzzed under the cold water before it eased back into the warmth she had set for herself. She felt more fond of the cold now. She stood back up and washed her body, letting the water run over her face. The soap smelled like both Monica and Maria and she felt comfort knowing she would smell like them now, too. She finished up and got out, drying herself with her powers instead of making more laundry for herself with the towels she had been looking at the night before. She grabbed her clothes and located her underwear and bra from the pile.

When she grabbed the pair of boxers, she looked at the inside hem and saw “DANVERS” written in smudged black sharpie on the white tag. She laughed with an edge of old frustration, remembering how she had to do that because people kept stealing her underwear in the laundry room as a prank because her and Maria had ranked up before a few of the other men in their unit. Maria’s clothes never got stolen, but they didn’t refrain from trying to get to her in other ways. None of which she ever humored, but Carol knew it got to her a few times. Some of the guys had called them ‘lesbos’ a few times, and eventually it evolved into the d slur. Both pilots always had different comebacks that consistently left the immature weasels with little to say back. Carol knew both of those words well having heard them most of her life, and she had taught herself not to internalize it.

Maria, on the other hand, let the first one roll off her for the most part - but the second one sometimes picked at scabs she had long covered up. Scabs she wasn’t ready to look at yet. They both decided not to report the harassment because it would probably end up worse if they did, and eventually it died down. They both continued to rise in ranks slowly but surely, and finally Mar-Vell came and they felt some reprieve from the monotony they were used to. Carol shivered at the thought of what came after that, though.

She slid the rest of her clothes on and walked back into the bedroom. She put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket next to the closet for her to do later, and walked back over to the box of her things. She’d seen a bunch of stuff Monica had shown her the first time she came home, but she wanted to know what was in the other boxes Maria had kept. She went through the bottom of the box that had her clothes in it not finding anything she hadn’t already seen, and then pulled open the other one they had left out. She presumed this is one Maria hadn’t shown Monica as it had light dust on it when she opened it.

She sifted through, halfway hoping to find another pair of underwear, but instead she found a bunch of papers and trinkets. Some necklaces and a silver chain bracelet, wristbands from carnivals and bars they had been to together, a pair of dice from a board game they had stolen from a store one time when they were younger and had kept as they grew up. She ran her hands over everything, trying to take in as much of her former self as she could like she always did when she had the chance. She fumbled at the bottom of the box and pulled out a bunch of papers, some folded, some grocery lists with toiletries and snacks crossed off here and there, some half done crossword puzzles that Carol was never good at, and a few opened envelopes. She sat the rest down and looked over each envelope with care.

Some had cards in them, birthday and christmas cards, one from valentines day. All of them had silly characters or jokes on the front. They had made a good habit of buying each other cheesy cards for every holiday they could think of, Carol strained to remember as she read through them. She rubbed her finger over Maria’s perfect signature, wondering if she kept the ones Carol had gotten her, too. She filed through the papers curiously, flipping through piece after piece of paper that held a small snapshot of moments in her life. Mundane, ordinary moments. She cherished them, and she was grateful to both Maria for keeping them and herself for never being organized and keeping all this stuff that most people would’ve eventually thrown away or allowed themselves to misplace over time. Her eyes fixed on a thicker envelope. She grabbed it, reading the red script labeled across the front.

To: Danvers

From: Rambeau ♡

Carol smiled at the little heart Maria had drawn next to her last name. She opened the letter, finding another heart on the back of the envelope where it was once sealed. Carol reads over the letter, feeling emotion and memory rise up in her chest, spreading through her whole body. The letter is dated, of course because Maria is ever punctual. It was from when they had been stationed at two separate bases for the first few months. It was agony for both of them, being in two separate states. Carol had sent Maria a letter when she first arrived, thinking she would be the first one to write. She was shocked, however, to find a letter waiting for her when she arrived at the post office on base. She had opened it the second she got back to her barracks room. It was an envelope inside an envelope, the outer one having had their full names and ranks and official military postage, the second one having the cute little hearts Maria drew perfectly when she wrote. Again, she was softer than most people expected her to be.

The letter expressed pretty much exactly what Carol had in hers, which came to no surprise to either of them when they both read what the other had sent. They were always on the same wavelength. They both had so much more they needed to say, but they were so grateful to hold something physical that the other had taken time to write for the other. Maria asked how Carol was doing, explained what had been going on with her, and complained about the men on base per usual. Just as if they were together in person.

As Carol read through it, she laughed, probably how she had the first time, at a lot of the letter. Towards the end though, she felt a tight ball of heat sitting in her chest restricting her breathing. She almost couldn’t read through what was left of the letter. Was she embarrassed?

“Anyways, I hope you’re still kicking ass. I KNOW you are, that always came easy to you.

I hope we can call soon, hopefully without being interrupted by the other idiots needing to use the phone every single time you do. I can’t believe there's only four on your base and only two that actually work (what happened to ‘The Air Force’s finest?’). You’d think with all the money the military has.. You know. I know it’s hard for both of us to find the time right now but I just really miss you, Carol. I miss shitty karaoke a lot, I can’t do it with these clowns here without you. Friday nights just aren’t the same haha. I miss renting the same movies every weekend and staying up all night eating too much. I even watched Fame the other day without you. I still hate it but it was nice, I just wish you were here to act out all the scenes. And I’ll deny it if you ever tell anybody, but I even miss your shitty cooking (burn this after reading), and not just because it makes it easier for me to be the better cook, but just because it’s you. I never used to hate writing letters but I do now, because it reminds me how far they have to travel to get to you. I hate that we’re not together, we’ve always been together. And as much as I act like I know what I’m doing, sometimes I feel lost without you here. And I know we’ve been pretending everything is the same but it isn’t, at least not for me. I wish we had more time to talk before you left. I wish we had more time in general. Damn the Air Force. Regardless, I just want you to know that I love you. And I’m so proud of you. I always am.

It’ll all be better soon. I believe that, just like you always do. We’ll be up in the air in no time. I’ll meet you up there. I’ll be the one whipping by you. Catch up if you can.

Take good care of yourself, because I’m not there to do it for you.

You’re the best damn pilot in the Air Force (second only to me, of course), and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise! Call me when you get the chance. And hurry up and write back!

Always,

Rambeau.

Ps. Things wont always be this way. Don’t forget that. And don’t forget that round of shots you owe me, either, goofball.”

Carol felt the heat of a blush running to her cheeks. She was thankful for her dark complexion hiding it, although no one was there to see her anyways. Why did she feel so giddy, and also… embarrassed? She felt like she was reading someone’s diary, even though the letter was clearly addressed to her and she had already read it. Years ago. She scanned over the text again, regarding Maria’s perfect handwriting. She felt like she was reading a love letter. Maybe it was, but she was too anxious to entertain the thought too much. She wasn’t exactly sure what that would mean, and she wasn’t sure if this year's old letter still even meant anything other than friendship.

Maria had been tight lipped about a lot of stuff, even though she pretended like she wasn’t. Her and Monica always answered Carol’s questions openly, happily for the most part unless it was about the ‘missing period’. They all tried to avoid that subject now, as time had gone by, but they all also knew that it would come up naturally sometimes and it couldn’t be left unanswered all the time. Aside from that, to the untrained eye, it seemed like Maria was willing to give up any bit of information that would help get them all back to how they used to be or at least help figure out what life looked like moving forward. But Carol knew better, she had a very well trained eye for Maria Rambeau, it was second nature for her - with or without the gaps in her memory. There had been a few moments, just brief enough to almost miss, since Carol came back the first time with Fury and even more recently on some of her visits, when the unshakeable Maria had gotten flustered or nervous, where the heat currently in Carol’s cheeks had been in hers. When her heart threatened to beat so hard it would leap from her chest. Granted, she hid it well but again, Carol could always see through her. She seldom was at a loss for words or made quick, messy cover ups in conversation. Usually the people around them didn’t even notice. Monica didn’t even catch it, or at least didn’t acknowledge it. It happened once or twice when Carol and Maria were alone, too. Carol knew things like that only happened when Maria felt unsure, or when she really didn’t want to talk about something. Anyone who had ever met Maria knew she was as straightforward as they come, so that’s what made Carol pay extra attention when she was avoiding something.

The thoughts of romance danced around Carol’s brain tauntingly, aching for her to pull them forward and examine them. But knowing how Maria was, and knowing that she only got that way when she was purposefully avoiding something, Carol settled on a quiet feeling of rejection instead - against her better judgment. She let it swell through her, enflaming the previous feelings of embarrassment right along with it. She put the letter away, resigning that she should just be thankful to have a friend who cares for her so much and that she wouldn’t allow herself to think anything else. She did this often, rejected herself before other people could to avoid the stinging feeling of embarrassment or disappointment her parents and the people she grew up with often supplied her with.

Maria never made her feel that way, and maybe that's why she would accept this quiet, self imposed feeling now instead of facing it in person with the other woman. She couldn’t risk ruining something she had just gotten back, anyways. Right? Right, she forced herself to agree in her head. She decided to go find Monica and clear her head of the letter. As she walked out, she glanced at the picture of Maria and the child again and sighed softly, letting a small smile of gratitude cover her face. This could be enough for her, if she would let it be.

Monia was sitting on the couch still, no longer paying any mind to the tv playing in the background. She was eagerly reading through the huge phone book they usually had sitting on the coffee table, bracing it against her bended knees as she flipped through the yellow pages quickly.

“What’re you looking for, Lt. Trouble?”

“Someone who sells the parts I need for my next invention! What letter do you think that would be under?”

Carol laughs, deciding to humor the girl.

“Hmm, you know I’m not sure. Have you tried under sales? Or maybe…a junkyard?”

“I could try the junkyard! I didn’t try that yet!”

“Maybe I can get you a hook up from Fury, orrrr maybe your mom knows someone at her job? What’re you even looking for?”

“I already asked her last week! She said she would check but I think she was just saying that. Here’s my list.”

Monica handed Carol a surprisingly long list, with a few things checked off that Carol assumed were already laying around the house. She wondered if Maria knew that these things had been checked off, which gave her a good chuckle. She set the list down and turned to Monica.

“Okay, I think I can get you some of these but the bigger things are definitely gonna need some work. Maybe we can roll down to the junkyard this week?”

“YES! And no take-backsies!”

“Wouldn’t dare. How about you come help me handle the laundry and dishes and then we can head outside?”

“Deal. I think you might need help figuring out the detergent set up Ma’ has anyways. She’s very particular.”

Monica explains, leaping up into action and grabbing Carol’s hand to pull her along.

Monica was right, Maria had a very elaborate and strict laundry system. The two of them likely didn’t get it exactly right but they did their best to pay attention to details neither of them really cared about but knew Maria did, wanting not only to please and respect Maria, but also wanting to avoid what she would have to say about it if they got it wrong or chose to ignore it. Carol tried to use her powered speed and agility to help make the process move quicker, but it only hindered the experience. She noted that the chance to move slowly and be mindful was probably why Maria seemed to enjoy the routine of laundry and such. It probably helped calm her down and help her be present after long days working to protect the whole world, while still having to be a full time mom to a rather rambunctious child, on top of whatever anxiety Carol added throughout her week. She smiled and decided to try and match the attentiveness. Her and Monica spent a while switching between loading and unloading, doing the dishes left over from dinner last night and breakfast - eventually returning to sort and fold the clean clothes and linens. It smelled lovely in the laundry room, reminding both of them of Maria. It comforted them in a way only she could.

Once they finished with the inside chores, they decided to mix and match to-do lists. Monica needed to catch some frogs just as much as Carol needed to mow the lawn, she insisted. Carol agreed to help her catch some frogs if she would agree to help her patch up some of the paint that Maria had been avoiding doing. They shook on it, running off into the field that would be mowed down later in the day. They went at it excitedly, jumping around in the tall grass and dirt, painting not so gracefully and splattering white paint on each other by “accident”.

By the time they finished the side of the house and Monica had caught, released and named at least eight frogs that she swore were all different despite being nearly identical, they had both created more laundry to do and were both definitely in need of a bath but neither minded in the slightest. Even once they were done, they chased each other around tirelessly until Monica was hiccupping and giggling at the same time. Carol marveled at Monica’s intrinsic wonder and love at the world around her. In her Hero heart, watching it solidified her sense of duty to protect the galaxy, making sure nothing and no one could ever bring harm to the world her daughter so loved. But in her Carol heart, it made her giddy too. Almost envious in a way. She missed the days when she could roll around in a yard and only worry about trying not to crush too many bugs. Now she had to worry about whether someone was going to crush a planet or not. She often longed for a childhood she never really had, and sometimes even the one she did have when she could piece it together. She knew it wasn’t a good one, but she had Maria. She just had Maria. And now Monica does too, and god was she glad about it.

Carol picked the younger girl up and flew her to the front porch in a flash, something Maria would swear she didn’t approve of as she fought back her own giggles. Monica shouted with pure glee as her feet landed back on the wood she knew well. They zipped in the house and ran to the kitchen, ready for lunch. Monica decided she would handle making it, promising Carol the best turkey and cheese sandwich she would ever have. Or at least better than she could make herself.

“Mayo or mustard Mama?”

Carol beamed a grin across her face, feeling a familiar hot blush swipe across her at the word mama but she tried to play it cool.

“I want whatever you’re having, Trouble!”

Carol responded happily, only after registering the fact that she hated mustard and hoped that Monica did too. She watched as the girl ran through the kitchen, leaving a small mess across different surfaces. She whipped up the two sandwiches like she did it very often, and sat two plates down in front of Carol with a big toothy smile.

“Wa-La! The Trouble special!”

She exclaimed, nudging the sandwich to Carol and taking a big bite out of her own, leaving a smudge of mayo on the inner side of her finger. Thank god, Carol laughed to herself. Before she could remind the girl to make sure she cleaned up, Monica was already stacking up her ingredients and propping open the fridge with her foot. This made the woman smile, knowing she had probably heard one too many times from Maria about cleaning up after herself.

“Take a bite!” Monica mumbled, chewing down another bite herself and gesturing to Carol with her hands. Carol bit into the sandwich and began mimicking the fancy chefs they would watch on tv together.

“Mmm! Magnificent work yet again, Chef Rambeau!”

Monica smiled before straightening her face and standing up straight before taking a bow, nearly dropping her own sandwich. They both laughed and enjoyed their sandwiches, Carol deciding to sneak Monica a coke in thanks for making the best sandwich she’d ever had, saying "this ones on me” and promising to tell Maria she drank them if she asks. Once they both finished and decided that Monica won the burping contest, they decided to tackle the lawn and climb the tree. Monica ran back outside like she had all the energy in the world, and Carol followed behind at a much slower pace as if she didn’t literally have all the energy in the world.

They took turns pushing the mower up and down the huge yard in different directions, trying to make different drawings with the pattern it created. Carol figured Maria wouldn’t mind much. Once they finished, both sweating under the direct heat of the sun, they were both happy to have some reprieve when they made their way over to the trees. Carol laid down in the grass underneath the biggest tree, grateful for the shade it provided.

She breathed deep, taking in the soft wind that was blowing. It wasn’t as humid as she had expected, another thing she was grateful for. Monica plopped herself next to her, pulling up her tee shirt sleeves to match Carol’s rolled up sleeves. She poked at the tan line appearing where the shirt sat for most of the day. Carol pointed to her own, kind of happy to have a tan to her brown skin again. She spent a lot of time in her suit, so it always felt nice to have regular clothes on. She thought about how the sun on earth felt so different than on other planets, who all had different sources of heat and light. She looked over at Monica, who was now laying down too, watching a lady bug crawl through her hands. She was brighter than the sun, Carol thought, before she pushed her sunglasses up her forehead to tangle in her fro’ again.

“So, you’re gonna conquer the big one today, huh?”

“Absolutely. Mom always gets nervous so she told me to wait until you came home again. The whole super power thing and stuff.”

Monica rolled her eyes and continued looking at the lady bug with curiosity.

“Well, she kinda has a point kiddo. Let’s do it.”

Monica jumped to her feet, pausing only to gently place the lady back in the grass and hopped over to the foot of the tree. She walked around it, looking for the perfect place to start. She found her footing and called Carol over to spot her from behind.

“Alright, pay attention and be careful. Let me know if you get stuck, okay?”

“Gotcha gotcha. If I get stuck, will you fly up to me?”

Monica asked while climbing up the first couple inches, hoisting herself up to find a sturdy hand hold between two branches and bracing her legs against either side.

“We’ll see.”

Carol watched intently, squinting her eyes against the sun and smiling with her teeth, hands ready to catch Monica. The girl climbed up a few feet and held on tight.

“So, this is how far I got last time with Mom. I just have to streeetchhhhh over to the next branch.”

“You got this, just pretend your arms are made of elastic and reach.”

Monica tried a few times to stretch over with no success, before deciding to just leap as far as she could to connect her hands. Carol’s heart nearly jumped out her chest, not even realizing her own feet had ended up off the ground, floating next to the girl who had successfully made the jump. She smiled at her mom, ignoring the small scratches on her forearms that were starting to bleed just a little bit.

“Jesu- Good job, Trouble! Just maybe tell me next time?”

“We’ll see.”

Monica shot back with that same toothy grin her mother has. She made her way up the rest of the tree and sat on the highest branch she felt comfortable with, kicking her feet with pride. Carol decided to climb the tree next, doing it with ease to meet Monica on the branch. She sat on the one next to it, as to not add too much weight.

“Why didn’t you just fly or float or something?”

“That would be cheating! Plus, I wanna be as cool as you are. I wish I had a camera so we could show your mom!”

“I’ll just have to do it again!”

“Sounds like a plan, kiddo.”

Carol laughed, squeezing Monica’s cheek just a bit before letting her climb on her shoulders to fly back down and head to the house to clean up.

After washing up, they decided to play some video games for a bit until it was time to start setting up for dinner. They had about two hours until Maria got home and they both wanted to at least be started on food when she arrived. Monica pulled out all her favorites and told Carol to pick which one to play first. They took turns picking after the first few rounds of operation, shutes and ladders, and jenga - all of which Monica won.

Carol insisted on playing something she had a fighting chance at, so they grabbed the deck of cards from the coffee table and played Go Fish. Carol won the first round, but Monica won the last three. Finally, admitting full defeat, Carol asked if they had anymore games. Monica grabbed two more from where they kept them, splaying them on the table. Carol’s eyes caught something familiar, pulling it to herself without a thought. She stared at the worn box and tried to remember. Monica watched, offering an explanation just as Carol was finding one of her own.

“Mom says she always used to beat you at this. She wouldn’t play it with me for a while but one day she brought it out after dinner and taught me. She beat me too the first two times, but I beat her after that. You wanna play?”

Carol wasn’t sure if she was biting back a smile, a laugh, or tears. She nodded and let Monica set the board up. Monica read the instructions out loud just in case Carol didn’t remember it, which Carol wasn’t sure if she did. She decided to just play and see what sticks. Monica handed her the light blue piece without asking, and Carol saw that it had her initials written on it. She watched as Monica sorted through the colors, passing over the purple one that had M.R written on it. She felt a tug in her heart as she watched Monica choose the red one that had a small, barely legible M.R on it too. She watched as Monica pulled out cards and then a set of white and black dice. Carol stood up abruptly, leaving Monica no time to question it.

“Hang on, there’s two pieces missing. I’ll go grab them.”

Carol ran upstairs almost embarrassingly fast and b-lined for the box she had looked through earlier. She grabbed the two colorful die she had left there earlier and headed back downstairs, feeling a mixture of excitement and belonging, along with a deeper, quieter sense of yearning.

Her and Monica played several rounds, Monica winning the first one until Carol remembered all her strategies from all the times she had beat Maria’s ass at the game. Carol agreed to another game, rolling the dice first since she lost the last round. She rolled doubles, and took her turn. While Monica was doing her lucky roll ritual of blowing on the dice and kissing her small hands, Carol felt herself slipping into a memory she had long displaced. She let herself remember slowly, recalling the reason the dice had even been separated from the game board in the first place.

“You take the board, I’ll take the dice. That way, we both have a piece, neither of us can play, and then no one else gets the chance to whoop your ass. That’s reserved for my talents.”

Carol laughed, but she was being serious. She was desperate to hold onto anything that could be just for them. Something she could carry in her pocket shamelessly, that no one would understand if they saw. They might think she had a gambling addiction or something, no one would suspect she was trying to hold onto any remnants she could of the woman she loved in her everyday life. She watched as Maria chuckled, probably formulating a sarcastic comeback, Carol assumed with a smirk. Maria never just accepted defeat, that's why they had played the game so many times.

“Sounds good to me, Danvers. I wouldn’t let anybody else win, anyway.”

Maria quipped back, knowing she never actually let the other woman win but she couldn’t resist making her think about the possibility. She, too, was happy to keep as many tangible reminders of what they had with her. They both had been fighting with themselves for their friendship to be enough, that having that ripped away from them sent them both reeling. She rubbed her finger over the ripped up pricing sticker on the back of the box waiting for Carol to respond.

“Yeah, OKAY. Like hell you let me win. No one loses that many times, THAT bad and is just letting-”

Maria wrapped her arms around the other woman, letting the box and a few pieces fall out on her bed. She held on tight and fought against sniffling. She wouldn’t let herself let it go. Let her go. She felt Carol choke on the words she didn’t get to finish and relax her body into the embrace. It was almost too relaxed. Neither wanted to admit they were fighting back tears that might never stop flowing if they let them start.

Carol didn’t mind being cut off, she was just finding words to string together anyway. There really wasn’t time for small talk but what else were they supposed to do? Leave it up to Maria to figure it out. To do the thing no one else would. To make the move everyone was afraid to - the one Carol was afraid too. Most people thought Carol was the fearless one just based off her usual demeanor and what people saw her do. Little did they know that she had never been more terrified than in this moment. Not knowing when they’d be able to play the game again. Not knowing when they would be able to touch like this again. Not knowing anything other than that they were afraid and loved each other so deeply.

They sat like that for longer than they both figured they should’ve, but neither felt any regret or shame in the moments as they piled up. They both ignored the awkward angle they were in, they both ignored the sounds outside the barracks room, they both ignored the clock as it ticked cruelly forward. They sank into each other, both laying their chins on the other's shoulder, letting the sides of their faces touch. It was close enough to look over and kiss. Neither dared to let the thought get too loud, choosing to let the contact be enough. It always had to be just enough, between them.

They didn’t say much after that, just small hums and sniffles here and there as they rocked slowly trying to find any sort of comfort they could. They laid down after a while, and before Maria could protest through her tears, Carol promised she would get up early enough to make it back to her room before the bus left the base. They laid there, quietly fighting sleep, wrapped as close together as they could be. Maria kept her face down and her forehead on Carol’s chest, Carol kept her arm under Maria’s neck and pulled her as close as she could with the other. Eventually she reached for Maria’s hand, this time it was her turn to do the thing that they both needed someone to do. Maria eventually cried herself to sleep, and Carol stayed up just rocking her softly until the sun came up.

When she stood up to leave, grabbing her bags and smoothing a hand over her braid, Maria turned over to take her in. She tried to glare at her, but it softened itself against her will into a sad smile.

“Don’t you dare leave without saying goodbye, Danvers.”

They both felt a warm tear or two tear itself across their cheeks. Carol tried her best to match the smile Maria was bravely offering her but it came off even weaker. She walked over and kissed the woman on the forehead before turning to leave, afraid that if she stayed even a minute longer she would never leave. Thoughts of going AWOL floated through her head for the billionth time since she had gotten her orders four days ago. She fought them off with as much strength as she could muster and took another step into the door frame.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

She felt the glare of a rising sun sear into her eyes and she stepped through the threshold, choosing not to look back at the woman on the bed she had just left. Maria wondered if she would’ve looked back either, as she let herself curl into herself and let out the sobs she was fighting back before. She silenced them as best as she could and stayed that way until she had to get up, leaving her no choice but to pull herself together into something that resembled the woman she was just a few days before.

Carol stood outside the door, trying hard not to listen for Maria for a moment before forcing her feet forward. Step after step, more tears fell from her as she grit her teeth to fight back the screams sitting in her chest. She, too, had to be put together in the next few minutes and it seemed the most impossible task. It almost was.

“Ma’? It’s your turn.”

Carol shook her head, only then registering the wetness in her eyes. She picked up the dice and rolled them, trying to refocus on the game infront of her. She shouted when she rolled doubles again, meaning she got to go twice now.

“Looks like I still got it, afterall!”

“Yeah.. sure. Let’s ignore that I beat you all the other times.”

Monica laughed out, observing the change in her mother.

“I was just letting you win!”

Carol laughed, mostly to herself, as she moved the blue piece across the board.

“That’s what mom always says. I don’t believe her and I definitely don’t believe you!”

Monica shot back playfully. This made them both laugh, knowing it was true. Some things don’t change.

They kept playing a few turns until Monica finally decided to ask the question she had been formulating the whole game so far.

“What were you thinking about?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just now, after you took your first turn. It seemed like you weren’t really here for a little bit.”

Monica, just like her mother, ever to the point. Carol hesitated before choosing to just answer truthfully.

“Sometimes, when I’m home with you guys or even when I’m out there in space.. If I touch something, or smell something or someone says a certain somethin’... I remember stuff. Sometimes its just a quick second in my mind, sometimes its like flashbacks. I have a lot of rememberin’ to do, so sometimes I get stuck trying to see it clearly.”

Monica stared at the woman in front of her with understanding eyes. She waited a moment before responding.

“That makes sense, you know. I heard on TV that amnesia can make it take a while to get all your memories back.”

Carol shifted in her seat at the word amnesia, because it was so medical. She never actually did get checked out by a doctor on earth, trying to avoid a conversation about why she was super charged 24/7. She didn’t want to draw attention to her family but she had heard the word being tossed around by Fury and Maria a few times. She nodded at Monica, motioning for the girl to take her turn as they talked. Monica continued.

“Ya’know… I like when you remember stuff. Sometimes I get sad thinking you don’t know all the stuff I do. But then I just remember that it's still in there somewhere. There’s a lot of good stuff waiting for you.”

The girl smiled reassuringly, finishing her turn and deciding to pat Carol’s hand softly just like her mom does to her when she’s upset by something.

“You’re pretty smart, you know that?”

“Of course I know that. I’m actually a genius, but that’s all just semantics.”

“You got me there, kiddo.”

Carol said while rolling the dice again and moving her pieces. She might actually win this round.

“If you ever have any questions about stuff, you can just ask me. Mommy doesn’t always tell you or me everything, but I remember. Sometimes I think I know more than both of you combined.”

Monica smirked, looking over the board calculating precisely how to take Carol out now that she had her where she wanted her. She took her turn calmly, trying not to alert Carol to her master plan. Carol watched mindlessly as the girls piece glided across the board. Maybe she wouldn’t win this round, actually.

“That would be nice, Mon. Thanks. You can ask me stuff too. Also, just spare me and take me out now!”

Carol smirked back, knowing she would have to roll doubles again to beat the red piece.

“It’s no fun if you just give up!”

Carol decided to do Monica’s good luck trick this time, blowing on each die separately and then kissing her hands when she brought them together. She tossed them on the board aimlessly, trying not to focus on the numbers so she didn’t jinx it. They both watched as both die rolled a 3.

“No way!”

“Haha! Maybe your lucky trick does work!”

Carol laughed as she moved her piece past Monica’s and into the goal. Finally, a win. She stood up and did a goofy dance around the table like Monica had done before her when she was winning. They both started the giggles again, deciding it was probably time to start cleaning up and getting everything ready for dinner.

As they sorted through the cabinets together, Monica standing on the counter despite what her mother would say, Monica began telling Carol stories to see if she could help jog her memory since Carol hadn’t asked any questions yet. She ran through her baby years, her toddler years - especially her ‘troublesome two’s’ as Maria calls them, and everything up until when Carol went missing. They both chose not to talk about why there was such a gap in time. Carol listened quietly, laughing here and there when the story almost always resulted in some hilarious mishap on Carol and Monica’s part. Monica felt successful as she could see her mom piecing things together while they attempted to boil noodles and mix together pasta sauce on the stove. They both tried to keep it from getting messy, not wanting to add any stress to Maria’s plate when she got home.

Monica told as many stories as she could while Carol took them in happily, filing some away to focus on later when she could fully process them. They were all happy moments, usually funny. It was nice to know that life was good before the accident. Finally, when they started grating the cheese together, Monica decided she would ask some questions now since she had told so many stories. She had a lot she wanted to know too.

“Here, you do this one and I’ll do this one. Just be careful with the grater, it can get tricky towards the end.”

Carol motioned to Monica as she walked over to the table with a bowl to put the cheese in when they were done. Carol picked up some cheese and got to work, being mindful herself. Just because cuts healed up quickly for her didn’t mean they didn’t sting when she got them. She knew this well, especially being in a kitchen. Monica started grating too, trying to perfectly time her question. She had been through the boxes upstairs too, always making sure to leave them how she found them so she didn’t tip her mother off. She never understood why she kept them private from her like she didn’t already know about most of the stuff in there.

“So, why don’t you and mom kiss anymore?”

Carol’s hand skidded to a stop, a choke coming up her throat that ended in a cough she could barely get out. She stood there stunned for a moment, unsure if she had heard the girl correctly. She didn’t notice the small cut on the side of her finger from the edge of the grater yet.

“W-what?”

“Why don’t you and mommy kiss anymore? I don’t know why she keeps all that stuff in the boxes upstairs a secret like I didn’t always see you guys. It was normal when you guys acted normal, now it’s weird seeing you two act different. Did you guys get into a fight or something?”

Carol was still too stunned to speak, standing over the more than half grated cheese that was now no good to use since her finger was bleeding a bit more. Monica looked up at her and noticed the blood, then stared at her with those same curious eyes, only now a touch of concern in them. Carol could feel the stare so she forced herself to shake her head again, clearing her throat in the process.

“I, um, I don’t really know what you’re talking about I don’t think.”

“Right. Here, your blood is ruining the cheese.”

Monica handed her a towel. Carol looked down and finally noticed all the blood. It wasn’t a crazy amount but definitely enough to have ruined the cheese. She wrapped the towel around it and walked to the sink, rinsing it off with cool water while she felt like she was in a daze. She started thinking about the letter Maria had sent her again. She read through the words in her head again, over and over while the water stung her finger. She could hear Monica in the back cleaning up her mess and she felt bad. She felt bad for ruining a part of dinner per usual, but also for reacting this way. And for not actually having an answer. She couldn’t have been sure before this but now she could.

Maybe? Maybe Monica meant cheek kissing or forehead kisses. Maybe her child mind was more innocent than Carol’s confused one. She turned the water off and looked in the junk drawer for some bandaids. She pulled out a pink barbie one and wrapped it tight over her new cut. It would probably be gone in a few hours but she wanted the security of the bandaid in the moment. For some reason, she felt shaken up again. Her face felt hot and her chest felt tight. She turned back to Monica who was finishing up her grating now, adding it into the bowl. As Carol walked back over to grab it to put with the rest of the food, she was searching for something to say in response that actually made sense. Before she could get anything out, Monica chimed in again.

“I’m sorry I asked, I wasn’t sure if it would make you feel funny. But please don’t tell mom I was snooping. I just wanted to see as much of you as I could. But she’ll be upset with me if you tell, I think.”

“Don’t worry about it, Trouble. Secrets safe with me.”

Carol said, smiling weakly at the girl. Monica did feel bad, but she also kind of knew this would be the reaction Carol would have. It only confirmed one of her theories, that Carol didn’t remember that her and Maria were in a relationship. She was almost tempted to say something else when they both heard the sound of Maria’s car pull in the long drive way. They looked at each other and nodded quickly. Monica started cleaning off the table while Carol started making plates. Finally, something her super speed could help with. She made all three plates and set them on the table right as Maria opened the front door. Monica ran over to her, hugging her tightly as she hung her bag on the rack near the door. She hugged back, running her hand softly over the girls forehead with a smile.

“Smells good in here. Did Monica cook?” Maria laughed, kicking off her work shoes and slipping on the sandals she wore around the house.

“Haha, very funny!”

Carol shouted from the kitchen where she was borderline having a panic attack, trying to figure out how to act normal enough to get through the rest of the night with Monica’s question looming over her head.

“Nope, I only helped! Mama Carol did most of the work. I made lunch though. Mom said it was the best sandwich she’d ever had anywhere in all the galaxies!”

Monica exclaimed, only half telling the truth, as she nearly dragged Maria to the kitchen table.

“I said something like that, yes.”

Carol laughed, her mouth forming into a smile when her eyes met Maria’s.

Maria smiled back before quickly looking around the kitchen, half expecting to see a new scorch mark somewhere.

“It looks… the same as I left it, in here, minus a few dirty dishes. I’m impressed, Danvers.”

Maria smirked, walking to the sink to wash her hands before sitting down and letting Monica get in her lap. She was certainly growing, she barely fit between the table and Maria anymore but she always made it work.

“How was your day?”

Monica asked her mother, once again kicking her feet excitedly, being back in the presence of Maria. It meant a lot to Maria that she still got excited to see her. She hoped it would last through puberty.

“Ya’know, same ol’ same ol’. Protecting the world from aliens, which oddly enough usually is just a bunch of paperwork no one else reads or signs. So, pretty successful I guess.”

Maria laughed, pulling Monica’s cheek in for a small peck.

“I’m more interested in how YA’LL’S day went. The lawn looks… great, by the way.”

Before Carol could chime in, which she wasn’t going to being that she was staring at Maria’s toned arms the entire time she’d been in the room, Monia answered for them both.

“It was AWESOME! We caught so many frogs, I named one after you, and then I finally climbed up the whole tree!”

Maria chuckled, noting the small scrapes on her daughter but not worrying. It wasn’t a normal day if Monica didn’t get at least one scrape or bruise from her exploring.

“Well, I’m flattered. Did you get any help from a certain superhero, by any chance?”

“Nope, she did it all on her own. Much faster than I did, too.”

Carol answered while shooting her hands up like finger guns, shooting a wink to Monica who delighted at the remark.

Maria looked at the pink Barbie bandaid on the woman’s finger and half laughed half frowned.

“Seems like no one made it out without a few cuts today, huh?”

Carol looked down at her hand, almost embarrassed. She laughed.

“She got that from grating cheese, not climbing the tree!”

Monica answered, once again saving Carol from trying to find words.

“Why am I not surprised? Well anyways, thank you both for doing such a good job with the chores today. Looks like you both really earned that extra tv time tonight.”

Maria winked at them both before letting Monica scoot off her leg and back into her own chair, ready to eat.

“Thank god, I’m so hungry. I forgot to pack lunch last night so all I had today was a bunch of coffee and some nasty as- mm, some gross altoids my secretary had.”

“Sheesh. I hope it actually tastes like food this time then! Oop, I forgot the forks.” Carol said, about to get up and grab them. Monica beat her to it and ran over to the counter, leaving the two women with a moment or two to take each other in. They both held back a sigh, and just smiled at each other. The eye contact felt too much for both of them, for the same and different reasons.

Monica returned and they broke their shared gaze, both feeling a mixture of missing it and thankful that it was over. Monica handed everyone a fork she had picked specifically for them and they all ate, swapping stories of their days back and forth. Maria laughed feeling relieved hearing how well the day went, she was hoping she would still have a house to come back between Monica and Carol. As they were all finishing their meals, Maria noticed the stack of games left out on the coffee table.

“Make sure you put those up, Mon’.” She said softly, taking a sip of some iced tea.

“I will. Also, guess who won the most games tonight? Guess, guess!”

Carol shook her head with a laugh.

“Hmm, if I was gonna take a wild guess… You?!”

Maria smiled widely, pointing at her daughter playfully.

“You betcha’! I whooped Mama Carol’s butt like eighty billion times at all the games. Even the one you taught me that she was supposed to be super good at, even with the new fancy dice! She only won that one three times, and the last one was just pure luck cause’ I almost had it!”

Carol and Monica laughed together, and suddenly Maria’s eyes unfocused. The laughter in the background melted into one sound, and everything else started to go quiet. She thought about the dice. The colors on the dots. Where she had left them sitting, in the box, in her room. She thought about why they were in Carol’s belongings and not her own. Then she thought about everything else that was in the box with them. She only came to when Monica and Carol’s laughing slowed down, reminding her that it would seem weird if she didn’t respond in the next second or two.

“Well, it looks like the mighty do fall sometimes. I used to let her win that game every time we played it.”

Maria half heartedly laughed with a smirk, almost instantly regretting bringing up the past. Carol looked down at her almost empty plate for a moment before fixing her own face to shoot back something well timed and sarcastic enough to play off the shudder that sentence sent through her spine.

“Hmm, crazy cause when it comes to everyone else in the world, meaning you, I’m still the world champion. Monica just had that lucky dice trick.”

Before Maria could even laugh, Monica jumped in.

“Hey! It’s not just the lucky dice, I just also happen to be the smartest person in the whole wide stinkin’ world too!”

“You make a good point.”

Carol and Maria said in unison, both with an adoring laugh. All three looked at each other and broke out laughing, feeling thankful for the lack of awkwardness that probably would’ve left in the air if it wasn’t so funny.

After that, everyone finished and avoided the different subjects on everyone’s minds happily. Carol cleaned up the plates, grazing by Maria’s arm while she walked to the sink. Monica pulled Maria over to the couch with her while Carol washed the dishes, quickly putting away all the games they had left out and positioning herself on the couch while Maria flipped through the channels for her. She had sat right in the middle, leaving just enough space for either woman on both sides of her. She really did live up to that nickname sometimes, both mother’s thought. When Carol made her way over, they were just settling on a show to watch.

“Remember, you get 10 extra minutes.”

“Does that have to count commercials? Can we pause the timer when they come on? Pleeeeeaasssshhhhh.”

Monica pretended to beg to both women who laughed.

“We’ll see what we can do. Time starts now, though.”

Maria answered her. Monica turned towards the tv and leaned back, wanting to take in every minute she had. She normally would get about an episode and a half in during her nighttime tv, maybe two if her mom dozed off in between. She was sure she was going to get at least two this time, since Maria looked sleepy. She didn’t account for Carol’s super powers making her have a longer stamina, but she figured she wouldn’t snitch. She looked up at her as they watched and she shot her down a wink in return, solidifying their silent agreement. As long as it was still summertime, Carol didn’t have an issue with it. Of course, she wouldn’t go against Maria, though, unless of course she fell asleep. Which she usually did.

The three sat through an episode, choosing not to count the commercials in their internal timers, and started the second one. A few minutes in, Monica had positioned herself with her head and back on Carol’s lap, with her legs and feet on Maria’s. She watched the show quietly, not noticing herself dozing off. Once the second episode was over, she was fast asleep, nearly drooling on Carol. Both women laughed quietly at the sight. Maria reaches for the remote to turn off the tv while Carol effortlessly lifts Monica up and begins to walk her to her room. As she walks away, Maria fights the idea of Carol lifting her that way and carrying her to bed. She shakes her head and stands up to go to the fridge.

When Carol makes her way back downstairs after carefully tucking the young girl in, she’s greeted with Maria passing her a beer and a bottle opener.

“Not sure if you still need to use these, but c’mon.”

Carol doesn’t need it but she chooses to use it anyway. She follows Maria without question through the front door and onto the porch. The sun is down now and it’s not quite as warm as it was the night before.

“God, I’ve been waiting for this all day.”

Maria says, taking a long swig from the cold bottle. She sits down on the steps and leans back on her elbows, beer still laced between her fingers. She looks like she’s relaxing but Carol wonders if she is. She stands against one of the posts for a moment, opening her beer, before sitting down next to the woman but not too close. She hopes she’s the only one who can feel the tension in the air. It’s different than last time she was home.

“Long day, I take it?”

“Always.”

Maria sighs with a short laugh, taking another sip.

“But that’s the job. I’m sure you get it.”

Maria finishes, not sure if what she said sounded shady or not. It wasn’t meant to be. Or maybe it was, but it wasn’t coming from the part of her she was trying to show up as it. It was coming from the part she was burying inside of her.

“I do, but I also don’t. You have a lot to handle all the time. I’m happy I… can help, I guess.”

Carol wasn’t sure if that last part was a question or not. They both almost flinched at the word help. Carol was more than just a friend who liked to help. She was a parent and neither wanted her to take that away from herself just because of how long she had been away. Both decided not to say anything in the moment, though. They both just sipped their beers and looked out in front of them, gazing up and out at the world around them. Somehow, it felt bigger now that they were both on it together.

Maria thought about the box again, trying to keep it from her mind to no avail. She also thought about Carol’s skin grazing against hers in the kitchen earlier. She wondered if their contact would be minimal. Despite the late night and early morning they had shared, they hadn’t really touched or even been this close since. The first night never counted, that was their unspoken rule since the second time Carol had been home.

She was exhausted when she arrived, fighting to stay awake long enough to talk to both Rambeaus’ even though she wanted to so badly. It had been a particularly grueling mission and she had flown directly back to Earth after the conflict was over, not taking a break. So, when Maria offered to watch some TV with her on the couch, she sank quickly into the cushions. Before they knew it, they had woken up to the sun coming through the living room windows, curled into each other. Neither thought it was weird then, so why was it weird now?

Carol thought about the box too, rereading the words from the letter in her mind again. Thinking about the pictures on Maria’s desk. Then she thought about the dream she had, with everyone sitting on the porch. She was so deep into replaying it that she almost jumped when a frog hopped by, startling both women from their respective day dreams.

“I think that’s the one Monica named after you.”

Carol laughed, remembering the day she had fondly.

“I’m flattered.”

Maria laughed back, the laugh jumping up her throat. It’s like she needed to laugh, after a long day of dealing with domestic and intergalactic bullshit, along with the mark Carol was burning into her brain.

It started to go quiet again until Carol spoke up, feeling the bubbles from the beer in her brain even if it wasn’t going to get her tipsy.

“You know, I dream about sitting on this porch a lot.” “Yeah?”

Maria asks, not looking at Carol.

“Yeah. With you and Mon. There’s always a shit ton of bubbles everywhere and it’s always a really nice day. I have that dream a lot. Except for when I’m actually here.”

Carol explained, partly relieved to share it with Maria. She leaned back, taking a sip before setting the beer down on the step next to her. She waited to see if Maria would answer, unsure if she wanted her to.

Maria sat with a small smile, unsure if she would be able to keep herself composed through the moment. She dreams about home.

“You know, when you first came back with your powers, I wondered if you still even needed to sleep.”

“Ha, you know I had the same thought when I realized I wasn’t actually half Kree. On the planet, I slept but I never felt tired. I only started to feel regular human things when I came back here. It was nice to feel sleepy again. It made rest feel satisfying, instead of just kind of necessary.”

Maria looked over at Carol, daring to meet eyes if she looked over too. She wanted to run a hand over the woman's thigh, comfort her for all the things she was sure were running through her mind. She wanted to reach out, pull her into her chest, and hold her there like a child. She wanted to rip all the pain of being conditioned and having to fight to undo it from her, stop it out on the ground and set it on fire for her. With a regular match, not fire from her hands even though sometimes she was convinced she could produce some magic power from her own hands too if she let herself feel enough. She hadn’t realized she had been staring and hadn’t responded until Carol finally turned to look at her.

“I’m okay, you know. You don’t have to look at me like I’m gonna burst into flames any second. I’m okay, I feel normal being here.”

Carol smiled reassuringly, almost shyly.

“I know, I just hate those bastards.”

Maria sighed, letting her shoulders fall as she looked down at the space between them.

“I feel you. But, you know, someone once told me hate takes up too much room.”

Maria’s heart skipped a beat. Of course Carol would remember one of her wiser parables now, when all she wanted to do was be angry for her. It was usually the other way around, but despite her usual craziness, Carol always had a way of saying the right thing at the right time, even if she didn’t mean to. A superpowered space warrior was right two times a day, it seemed. She let herself laugh, but it came out rougher than she had expected.

Carol reached over instinctively to grab her hand, squeezing it tight. That’s the second time. Maria thought, wondering if Carol was counting the times they touched too. She felt a dangerous warmth push its way to her chest. She would blame it on the beer like she always did but she couldn’t. Why was she on the verge of tears?

“Hey.” Carol whispered, trying to look at the woman’s face. She tried to smile, squeezing her hand again. This time, Maria squeezed back before pulling it away and picking her empty beer bottle up.

“I think I’m gonna take a shower, long day, you know. If you wanna borrow some pajamas again, feel free to grab some from my dresser.”

Carol sat still for a moment, wondering if she had gone too far. Normally conversations like this would flow with ease and mutual fluidity. They would hang on each other’s every word until the inevitable came when the sun rose. Maria would wake Monica up to say goodbye, they’d share a cup or two of coffee and by the time the sun was almost at it’s peak, Carol would be long in the distance, no longer even in the atmosphere. So now, having more time than normal, she hoped she hadn’t over stepped. As Maria closed in on the door, only half a step before entering, Carol turned around to look at her.

“Where do you want me to sleep?”

Maria paused, not sure what to say. How did she communicate that she would rather pull her own hair out strand by strand than lay in her bed alone, without Carol Danvers, for another night? How did she explain that she didn’t want to sleep, she was tired in a way only Carol’s skin and fingers and mouth could heal her of? How did she communicate that this was her house too, and she could sleep wherever the fuck she wanted - on the roof if she pleased - as long as Maria could be next to her, without saying any of that?

“Wherever you feel comfortable.” She turned and smiled as best as she could before letting the screen door close behind her, trying to keep a normal pace as she made her way to the bathroom.

Carol sat on the steps for a few more minutes, giving Maria time to get her things for her shower ready and giving herself time to ponder what she should do. Should she sleep on the couch? Should she tell Maria that there’s no where in the universe more comfortable to her than next to her? Should she pretend she didn’t read the letter and see the pictures and hear what Monica said earlier? Should she just sleep on the god damn couch? Having not made up her mind yet, she wandered upstairs and pulled out an old teeshirt from one of the boxes she had been in earlier. She shivered when she looked at the box with the letter in it. She forced herself to focus, shuffling through to find anything appropriate to wear and pulled out some old PT shorts. They were certainly going to be shorter on her now than they were then, given she had put on some much needed muscle in certain areas but they’d have to do.

She felt too embarrassed to go through Maria’s drawer, wear her clothes and then awkwardly make her way to the couch downstairs, only to have to face her in the morning when breakfast time came. She didn’t feel right marking Maria’s belongings, even if they were just a bunch of holiday themed pajamas that she didn’t wear that often anyways.

Carol decided to change as quickly as she could, and wait to say goodnight to Maria when she came in. She figured she should probably sleep on the couch, suddenly feeling very much like a guest who didn’t want to overstay their welcome. She switched out of her bottoms and underwear, jumping into the shorts she had found. They were snug but not uncomfortable. She took her shirt off quickly and as she began pulling her sports bra over her head, Maria walked in.

Shit.

They both thought in unison. Thankfully, Carol’s back was to the door, so she pulled on the t shirt she found quickly while scolding herself for not paying attention enough to hear Maria coming down the hall.

“S-sorry! I didn’t know you were in here yet. Didn’t see anything.”

Maria assured, despite the fact that she was still staring at Carol’s once bare back while the woman folded up her clothes in a hurry. To Carol’s surprise, when she turned around, all she saw was Maria’s naked shoulders, moisturized perfectly, with a purple towel wrapped around her. She turned back around almost quicker than Maria could register. It was Carol’s turn to stutter.

“Oh shit, s-sorry! I didn’t see anything either! I didn’t hear you coming!”

Maria accidentally laughed.

“Don’t you have super hearing?”

“Shut up! It only works when you pay attention to it! I thought you were still in the shower. I’m surprised you were so fast, Lt. Trouble told me you use all the hot water.”

Carol quipped back confidently, although she was still turned around and suddenly felt very warm.

“Oh, Trouble indeed. What else did she tell you?”

“A bunch.”

Carol responded with a smirk in her voice. She sounded like a middle schooler, again reminding Maria how alike her and Monica were.

“I’m sure. You can turn around now, if you want.”

Carol turned to see Maria smoothing a big white shirt over her belly button, quickly covering up the top of her thighs that were barely covered by the blue boy shorts she was wearing underneath. Carol stared down at the clothes in her hands trying not to seem as anxious as she was. She bent down to pick up the black pair of underwear and a sock she had dropped when she heard Maria chuckle.

“HA! What the hell are you wearing? Are those PT shorts? And does your underwear say Danvers? You still do that?”

She was practically giggling at this point, a sound that sprung butterflies up in Carol’s stomach. It also taunted her, leaving her no choice but to rebuttal.

“Listen man! I’m working with what I got! And no, I don’t still write my name in my underwear. I got these from the box of my old clothes.”

Carol quipped, but found herself almost giggling too. She would’ve found it funny if Maria had on PT shorts from bootcamp too.

“Whew. That is hilarious, Danvers.”

Maria breathes out, barely recovering from her fit of laughter at Carol’s expense.

“Oh yeah, I’m flattered!”

She rolled her eyes playfully at Maria. They both sat down on the bed trying to collect themselves, both feeling lighter than before by a small margin.

After a few moments, Maria broke the impending silence before it could secure itself between them.

“Seems like you an Mon’ had a good day. Hopefully she didn’t give you too much trouble for one day.”

“Nah, it wasn’t too bad at all. She did whoop my ass in pretty much every game you guys own though.”

Carol smiled to herself. Maria fought hard to avoid bringing up the board game and the dice again. She quickly found a new topic to latch onto.

“You know, I must say, you also really did a great job not burning the place down with all that cooking you were doing. Are the aliens teaching you how to handle a kitchen or have you been practicing?”

She laughs, almost forced but she was actually impressed.

“Mmm. Id say it was pure dumb luck, but I’m gonna try to replicate it tomorrow.”

Carol chuckles, not knowing that the mention of tomorrow was sending Maria’s heart into a frenzy. Silence weasled it’s way back between them for a few moments, although Carol didn’t pick up on it as much this time. It wasn’t until Maria broke it again that she realized it was her turn to figure out how to not let it freeze the warm air between them.

“So, there’s a tomorrow?”

Maria asked timidly, not wanting to latch too tightly onto the idea that Carol might be staying for longer than coffee in the morning.

“Uh, yeah. I’ll be here tomorrow. I wanna try my hand at making waffles this time.”

Carol tries to cut the returned tension she felt.

“I was thinking about working on my old car in the garage too, if that’s okay with you of course.”

“Yeah, of course. You know you don’t have to ask. This is your house, too. And it’s literally your car.”

Your house, too. Carol reached into the pocket of the pants she had on earlier, pulling out two colorful dice. She rolled them around in her hand for a second.

“Yeah?”

She said, turning to finally face the woman sitting once again a bit too far away from her. The feeling of being a guest in her own home no longer sat in her chest. She allowed her eyes to make their way up Maria’s frame before meeting her eyes. Carol felt her hand move towards the woman, who was now looking down at one of the die in her non moving hand. Maria was almost terrified to meet her gaze, breath caught in her throat. Carol felt their hands connect, dropping the other die in her hand before closing her fingers around Maria’s. The woman next to her squeezed tight, almost too tight even for the superhero.

Maria finally met Carol’s eyes with her own, finally releasing her breath, allowing her chest to move.

“Yeah.”

She said softly, almost too soft to hear but just enough for Carol. They both looked like they might burst into tears, both of them having to break eye contact but refusing to release each other from their grip. Third time, Maria counted in her blurring mind. She suddenly felt like all she could hear was her own heartbeat and Carol’s breath. They were close again, it was all she needed. She needed to feel Carol’s skin, know she was real. Know she wouldn’t let go.

Carol struggling against her own breath, finally let the desperation sitting inside of her take control.

“What’re we doing, ‘Ri?”

She asked, in almost a whisper. She heard Maria’s breath get choked in her throat, just like she had earlier in the kitchen with Monica. She was still worried that she might have pushed too far too fast, but she needed something. Anything Maria could give her. An answer, a rejection, anything. She couldn’t sit still in the stifled confusion much longer, she feared she might actually implode. She waited, listening to Maria’s breathing. In and out, in and out. Like she was trying to quietly catch her breath. She heard her heart beat, it matched her own. Like they could beat out of their chests and find the other heart. Like they needed to be pressed together. So, Carol did just that. Finally listening to what her body was telling her. Hoping it wouldn’t be the wrong thing.

Just as Maria tried to whisper I don’t know, she let go of Maria’s hand and pulled her in, chest to chest, nestling her face in Maria’s shoulder. Maria whimpered, almost in shock. It took her almost 10 seconds to return the embrace, finally crushing into Carol the way she needed to. She knelt her face in the warmth of Carol’s neck, creating a tsunami in Carol from the graze of her lips against the side of her neck alone. They made themselves impossibly close, quieting the sounds of the world and honing in on each other’s heart beats. They took in each other’s scent, filling their lungs with the air surrounding each other. They let their hair tickle each other, finding comfort in the familiar feeling of Blackness around them. They rocked into each other to a rhythm that was so natural it almost felt like part of breathing. Finally, Maria let it drop.

A single tear rolled down Carol’s shoulder, sliding down as far as it could carry itself. Maria choked back what was sure to be her own tsunami.

“Mar-”

“I miss you. -- I miss you I m-iss you I miss you.”

She whispered with a drawn out sob. It was so quiet, it felt tragic to them both.

Carol was silent, letting the woman release whatever she was ready to, feeling her chest heave with the impatience to relieve itself from the pent up emotions. She felt the woman in her arms shake softly, trying to fight back anything she convinced herself was a weakness. She had things to do, a person to be, a child to raise. She couldn’t let the grief get her again. But it was always there, maybe even more now in some ways. She hadn’t let this happen in so long, and the weight of pretending had pushed her to the edge of herself. She was the strongest woman in the world, and it was because she was soft.

Carol struggled against her own tears, trying not to let them come so that she wouldn’t center her own pain in the moment. They were both too similar for their own good. She listened to Maria’s body pull the words up her throat and out her mouth, betraying her as they saved her from the pit she kept forcing herself into.

“I miss you ss-so much.” She repeated several times over. Like it was the only language she spoke. Eventually, she stopped, letting her fingers relax from gripping into Carol’s skin as tight as she could. She leaned into Carol more, feeling the weight of her body’s exhaustion mix with that of her mind. Carol let her, holding her firm but gentle. She lifted the woman up just as effortlessly as she did Monica, and carried her to her side of the bed, never moving her face from her shoulder. She laid her and herself down, sliding easily over top of her until she was on her side, careful not to put any weight on Maria’s body. She pulled the cover over them, that being the only time her hand left Maria’s body. She cradled the soft woman, giving her all of herself. She rocked her gently, counting her heart beats.

As Maria’s breath finally got slower and deeper, she knew she would be asleep soon. Maria didn’t want to sleep but she needed it. Carol needed it to. They stuck to each other like glue, once again paying no mind to the heat stuck between them. Carol whispered back, finally.

“I miss you too.”

She felt Maria squeeze her tighter, then release and finally relax her body all the way.

No more sniffles, no more sounds, just the weightless feeling of being together. It was easy again, for the moment. Carol rubbed her thumb lightly over Maria’s back, comforting them both enough to rest. She let the thoughts she had been fighting release from the walls of her mind, daring to look at them. She thought about the night in the lake, laying in the sand. She thought about the night before she left for a new base, with no idea when they’d be together again. She thought about the first time she came home, the gentle uncertainty between them melting away like it always did - no matter how much still needed to be figured out. She wasn’t sure how much progress had been made, but she knew that this is where she needed to be. As she finally let herself drift off to sleep, knowing that Maria was alright enough now, she knew she wouldn’t dream. She released herself to the peace of belonging, only to be startled one more time.

“Don’t you even think about leaving until you finish that car.”

Maria commanded, even in her softest state. Carol smiled, feeling even more in place now.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

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