#maybe i shouldnt allow images here

[the-unfortunate-mpdg]

get off my porch

[weebsinstash]

I just have to say I'm absolutely loving your yandere Thragg & Nolan stuff! Keep it up & I hope you have a nice day!! ♡

Thank you! And, also, gonna be using this post to talk about more yandere Thragg stuff because I was refreshing my knowledge on the comics and my YTShorts feeds are now filled with Invincible lore recommendations and, jesus I forgot how fucking nasty this man is

first off I'm using this image to just help kind of visualize how much of a unit this man is. Like. He's probably something crazy like 6'6 at the very shortest, maybe like 6'8, 6'9. But. Um. He's scary. He's tough. Viltrumites get tougher the longer they're alive and he's, not THE oldest Viltrumite but, maybe he's in like the top 10? But I think there's only something like an odd, less than 50 number of pure blooded Viltrumites left anyways lmao

Which is then my transition to "dealing with yandad Thragg as his child could be an absolute nightmare especially if you don't have powers"

Dying on my hill of "even if you do have powers he's super fucking possessive over who you're choosing as a mate or even just dating" because there's layers of 1. He has his own massive ego and your actions reflect on him and anyone you bring into the family will benefit from his lineage and achievements and he's defensive about who reaps those bounties or may even be suspicious of political intentions 2. If he hypothetically does let you date he needs to pre approve them first and I'm sure you can imagine how that goes and 3. .... you're his widdle baby, can't you spend more time with dad :( shut up about finding love, why can't you crush skulls with him? "Child why can't we go slaughter alien civilizations together like we used to 😩"

The last paragraph made me think of "Thragg with a child Reader who's actually a really spunky tough kid and he like is so proud of you and you guys have like An Actually Good Relationship (for Thragg's capacity to love anyways) but as you get older you start having ideological differences and you want more freedom but he just wants you to be Daddys Favorite Little Killing Machine for the rest of your life". Like you're just giving Thragg the cold shoulder because he won't let you leave the planet without his personal escort anymore and meanwhile here's thragg hovering over you with his arms crossed, internally scowl-pouting as he remembers The Good Old Days when you were like 6 and ran up to him, "Dad, Dad, look!! this is a note from my teacher praising me for how well I beat up another student! She says I'm 'extremely proficient at bludgeoning'! Did I do a good job?" "You did an EXCELLENT job. It says here the boy needed medical attention." "Yeah, he had to be sent to the hospital! His legs were totally bent the wrong ways! He shouldnt have tried to steal my toy!" "Fine work; you should never allow anyone to take what is yours. We shall feast tonight in celebration." And he pet your hair and you flew up to his chest height to give him a crushing hug. And nowadays you're like. The Viltrumite equivalent of being in your early adult years and everything is extremely cold and impersonal and you call him nothing other than Grand Regent and he "maybe" just wants his eager confident prideful Affectionate child back because all he has now is. A child that hates him and will barely make eye contact with him and will never accept his praise or medals for your achievements.

Like imagine being a notoriously powerful Viltrumite and you're actually widely accepted but him being controlling of you throughout your childhood eventually gave you a complex. Thragg summons you to like praise you for like, subjugating a nearby galaxy, and asks what you would like for a reward, and you just coolly reply some shit like "There's nothing you could offer that I want, Grand Regent" like you hate him so much you don't even want gifts from this man

AND THE DELICIOUS DRAMA OF, imagine if he finds out that while you hate him and want nothing to do with him, maybe you've become extremely attached to Nolan or some other older father figure in his place

THE SHIT THAT GOES DOWN IF THRAGG EVER HEARS YOU CALL NOLAN OR ANYONE ELSE "DAD" like the cosmic level beef that goes on, the BLOODSHED. Jesus. Imagine being on Earth and you've got Dad Nolan or he's like declared himself your dad/mentor and he sees you bonding with another human male who's a father figure and you call that man dad, like. That man is going missing and Uncle Sam is erasing his existence from the records just, gone.

Side note actually, idea for something yandere viltrumites do with a viltrumite/hybrid reader: loving to bear hug you super hard? Like almost painfully but they won't break anything. Just. Imagine yandad Nolan or Thragg or Mark with like, a lil sibling/ child/ age regressed Reader or whatever and you're having like, hugging contests to see who can hug the hardest, and play wrestling shit idk. Imagine the infamously grumpy genocidal Thragg and then here's his like 4 year old wanting to play wrestle and trying to pin him and you're no match for him of course but like it's not, real, he's "gently" deflecting you or breaking your hold but still actually praising you in that, Thragg dad way, "your stance is too weak to take down an opponent of my size, but you're improving" " your siblings usually tire by now; you seem to have more endurance than most of my other children your age. Excellent" and then your little baby mouth gives him a kiss on the cheek and he has to go subjugate another planet to feel manly again.

I feel like yandad Thragg and Nolan are unironically those characters that are like, they could be in the middle of a war zone and they're easily winning and you go upstairs to see what they're thinking about, surely they're thinking about something serious, and it's just "I need to hurry this up and get back to my child" or "I wonder what my little warrior is doing right now" like straight up like the father from Father I Don't Want This Marriage

Yandere Thragg and Nolan are all "oh it's part of the Viltrum way to mate and procreate and boost our numbers" and Reader comes along "hey dad this is my new boyfriend--" and suddenly they turn into like, Christian fundamentalists. "Um actually that Viltrumite male is even older than I am 🤓 you are still so young and should be enjoying the fruits of your youth 🤓 you are too young to have children"

I feel like though like if you ever did manage to sneak off and get pregnant or get someone else pregnant that, specifically Nolan would adore his new grand baby and would do anything for this chubby cutie 🥺❤️ also imagine the horror if he's not even your blood dad, just obsessive self proclaimed stalker yandere shit, but you can't run away from him and he's finds you and your baby and instantly declares himself grandpa, like. Now you have to worry about protecting yourself and your baby from "PawPaw"

So like. Future spoilers I guess? Not super significant in my opinion, but, there's a period of time where there's like a truce of sorts between Earth and Viltrum, right, to keep it vague and less spoiler heavy. Imagine being like, Nolan's kid, or adopted kid, or like, neighbor who turned out to be a hybrid that he yoinked into his house or whatever, and like, after there's been some fighting, Thragg is impressed with your strength and potential and seems to be scouting you out a little. Now you've got TWO older Viltrumite males trying to father you, "my apologies Grand Regent but I was just about to take this one out to teach them how to fly better" "that is unnecessary; i shall be the one to tutor the youngling" meanwhile you're just like uhhhhh I'm not actually a big fan of how EITHER of you treat me-"

bruhhhh all hell breaks loose when you finally lose it and fly straight off the planet to try and start a new life elsewhere without them cuz then these two are TEAMING UP and they're feeding into each other, "I bet they were convinced to leave by that one male, the one who we had to warn before" "and that's why you're weak Nolan. I wanted to kill him but you didn't want to hurt the youth's feelings, and now what's happened? They're probably eloping as we speak" "no, I won't make the same mistake twice. He'll die a slow death"

You're on like some alien planet surrounded by like simple little ewoks or some shit who treat you like a water god because you dug a well for them or something and here comes Thragg and Nolan touchdown slamming onto the planet's surface and leaving craters behind, scaring the birds, the animals, your new little cute alien friends huddling behind you for protection, and you're getting SCOLDED SCOLDED. like one minute your new little like moogle friend is teaching you how to bake some kind of bread and the next minute, "AND JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOURE DOING HERE" and you're jumping to see two pissed pissed PISSED Viltrumites

"O-oh, uh, I thought I made it clear when I left--"

"The only thing that you've made clear is that you're too unpredictable and naive to be left alone"

"What were you THINKING?! You could've gotten lost, hurt, captured, or worse! And leaving Viltrum for, what?! Are these your pets? We can enslave a few and take them with us if you like em so much"

"If you EVER leave without my permission as Grand Regent again I'll reduce whatever backwater rock you stumble off to into nothing more than rubble floating through the stars, is that understood?"

"..."

"Answer him!"

'*sigh* yes, sirs"

"That's FATHER to you"

" - and Dad!"

[ceasarslegion]

Maybe this is a bad take or whatever but theres this post going around that features a little boy in what looks like a martial arts tournament with a breathing tube in, and someone who looks like theyre part of the tournament is inspecting his oxygen tank. The caption says something like "whats your excuse?" And all the comments are pointing out how this is dangerous inspiration porn. I agree with that much, no one should expect disabled people to push themselves past their limits or use disabled people who choose to push themselves for THEIR OWN reasons to compare others against.

However, it rubbed me the wrong way when the comments devolved into people essentially saying that this kid being disabled means he shouldnt even be allowed to compete or do martial arts, and accusing his parents of forcing him to do it.

Here's the thing. I don't know what that kid has, I don't know WHY he needs oxygen, and I don't know WHY he's doing martial arts. And you don't either based on one internet image. You don't know what his situation is, or if his parents actually did force him into it or not. And that's some really vile shit to accuse parents of without knowing who they are, and weirdly presumptuous and I would argue ableist of you to turn around and take it to "he shouldn't do ANYTHING that requires physical exertion because he'll break in half actually."

For all you know, he could have a condition that needs extra oxygen but isn't going to hurt him if he does a very structured, rule-heavy, training-heavy, technique-heavy sport like most martial arts are. He could have wanted to it himself and gotten his doctor's approval and a treatment plan based around his lifestyle that HE chose. He doesn't exactly look unhappy in the image in question, he looks excited to beat the fuck out of you (in a respectful child-level martial arts tournament way). Besides, children's tournaments aren't exactly going to feature roundhouse kicks to the throat.

You're right that no disabled person should he expected to live up to these weird inspiration porn shit, but i dont like how this often devolves into comments that are one degree removed from "disabled people are made of porcelain and too fragile to do anything but stay inside all day every day forever." It's not just that post, it's one in a trend that annoys the shit out of me frankly.

[kewltie]

quirkless!izuku works as a clerk by day, but by night his hobby is being a video essayist specializes in deconstruction of quirks, heroes and villains. his most viral vid is claiming no.1 hero, the powerhouse and symbol of victory, dynamight is made for the girlies and queers.

the dynamight branding is this strong, caustic hero who can pulverized villains and keep you safe. you never have to fear when dynamight is here, yet deku said dynamight shouldnt be boxed into a persona, he's not just a symbol, he's a person who should he allowed to be soft too.

it started when someone caught the moment of dynamight crying over the lifeless body of a civilian. it quickly became a heated topic bc the no.1 hero cant show such weakness. HE'S SUPPOSED TO THEIR STRENGTH if a hero can breakdown like that what kind of msg it'll send to the rest. ofc there are defenders, who argue heroes are humans too so such show of vulnerability is part of it but dynamight's reputation as this harden, unflinching hero with large stature and footprints feed into this belief that strength comes from the power and abilities you wield.

it's hard to fight public image so deku did over an hour vid deconstructing the commission's propaganda and ripped the mask off bc before katsuki was dynamight, he was a boy izuku known as kacchan and kacchan deserves to be treated with kindness and empathy; let him be soft.

idk what happened next but i like to think izuku's (controversial) vid gets around to katsuki eventually and katsuki recognizes it right away bc he knows that voice, HE KNOWS how izuku can still speaks with such compassion for someone he havent been in contact for over 10yrs. it's the way he never had a chance to apologized for their past, for the pain he had caused, yet izuku here is his loudest defender, begging the world to treat katsuki kindly in the way he bitterly thinks how izuku should have been treated in the past by the world, BY KATSUKI.

bkdk's path diverged after jr high, so they never had a chance to reconcile. katsuki is aware that he didnt try hard to find izuku either but neither forget the other; izuku is the embodiment of katsuki's guilt and he has every right to hate him, but here izuku is DEFENDING HIM. this is the way they finally reconnect, katsuki making all the effort to apologize, to try to be involve in izuku's life which leaves izuku all confused bc he's like why the no.1 hero keep dropping by my store lol and like dragging him to meet his friends and other notable heroes omfg.

izuku at first think maybe this is katsuki way of like thanking him for making that vid about dynamight. he insists that katsuki doesnt have to go that far, like izuku was just doing what he thought was right, that katsuki deserves to be treated like any other human, to cry etc. katsuki is kinda annoyed bc izuku is an oblivious dumbass but izuku has this mentality that he's boring, normal and unimportant and katsuki is THE DYNAMIGHT. katsuki is like oh now you're treating me like im a god and izuku is like embarrassed bc he just thinks katsuki is amazing.

izuku doesnt think he's worthy of like even have romantic intention with the no.1 hero while the no.1 hero stumbling over to impress this completely, ordinary convenience store clerk whom katsuki thinks doesnt need a quirk or cape to save ppl. certainly, izuku had saved him.

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Can u do a Tom Holland x black model reader

And she’s zendayas friend and she introduces Tom to her and they hit it off he ends up seeing her outside they have a sentimental talk about what it’s like being famous and they end up kissing maybe smut at the end and they wake up the morning after 😩😩😫

I MIGHTVE GOTTEN....YA KNOW TAKEN AWAY BUTTTTT

warnings: terrible fans, sadness, annoying papis, and I guess heavy smut but idk 🤷🏽‍♀️ NOT PROOFREAD, PROBABLY TERRIBLE ✌🏽

a/n: REEEEE I HATE MYSELF

You sighed as she grabbed your hand, pulling you, “look you have nothing better to do, so you do this or keep watching re-runs of Harry Potter and trying to shift, which isn’t gonna work” she rolled her eyes at the idea, looking at your scrunched up face.

“Well whatever, so much for getting a spell book” you huffed in loss, zendaya laughing at you as she let your hand go and opened the door “for my princess please” she dramatically said, her hand pointing inside the restaurant.

“We couldn’t have taken a walk-“ “y/n shut up and sit down please” you giggled as you walked slower to let her infront of you and guide you to a seat, next to her but also next to a nice, brown haired, of course skinny lean white boy.

And how did you know that? You checked him out without hesitation. As you looked back up at him you found himself with a cocky ass smirk. “Don’t flatter yourself” you chuckled only leaving him doing the same.

“Hey a pretty girl like you how could I not?” His hand lifted and ruffled his hair some, leaving you with a smile. “We all know who we are right?” Daya said, not wanting to introduce anybody when your all basically famous. “Yes?” The group said.

You knew Tom of course but not officially, your brother made you watch Spider-Man because he’s two years older then you and loves to debate that tobey Maguire is the best, which you have to agree, its only by the way he swings. Your brother also thinks tobey can play Batman but he is like 46, he will have a heart attack.

As you all ordered your meals and passed around plates Harrison and Jacob talked, zendaya and her brother talked, which left you and Tom.

“Hi I’m tom” he said, lifting his hands wanting a handshake, orrr possibly a hug, what’s the damage?. “Well hello Tom, my name is Y/n” you said, taking his hand in yours, also noticing you can’t even shake his hand because of his hand size, it basically devoured your whole hand. Tom chuckled as he looked at your small fingers.

“Compare?” He asked, “oh what are we in fourth grade?” You giggled but agreed, he put his hand up flat and open and you did the same, touching hands you noticed your hand was small, or his hand was big, who knows. “I should call you robin!” He chuckled.

“You are really a child, teen titans really?” You bursted into laughter but only Tom could really hear. “Hey I have to do something to keep me satisfied right?” He shrugged, “and tough talked for a woman with small hands”.

You playfully gasped as you hit his shoulder “no you just have large hands, above average, so leave me alone, and tough talk for a guy who’s 5’8, my brother was that height at like 14” he only left his mouth open as you laughed, his eyebrows raised as he said “touché, but you’ve been doing some research on me havent you?”.

“Eh, something like that” you shrugged, getting chopsticks and trying to set it up but failing, of course Tom hysterically laughed at you “fuckin chopsticks” you mumbled to yourself, still trying to get them in between your fingers but utterly confused.

“Here darling, let me help you yeah?” Tom said in his slick British accent,

leaving your stomach to drop to your ass but you agreed, forgetting what he was helping you with.

He took your hand softly and fixed it, staring at him in awe before-

snap

You both looked over and seen a photographer running away, leaving Tom pissed but you could only laugh. Everyone around the table noticed and started to feel bad about being “famous” because it does take away your private life.

As they all looked at you both you continued laughing, leaving them all confused “did you see the way he ran?” You only busted out laughing more as Tom could still see him, looking at the way he does run and starts laughing after.

“Your right!” Everyone starts to catch on as zendaya pulls out her phone to record him, putting it on her instagram story with text of “running to his casket” (I KNOW THIS IS MEAN BUT I COULDNT HELP IT)

As you all as a group ate your food, well you ordered a fork, and talked you all giggled, and got to know more about each other, when he found out you were a model he only smiled more because, you deserve to be one, your beautiful in so many ways anyone could see that, not just Tom holland.

You cracked open the cookie and grabbed the paper “I wanna see!” Tom said, scooting closer and resting his head on your shoulder as you read it “hop on a ride but you won’t go outside, lucky numbers 11,9,10,20” tom furrowed his eyebrows, “I don’t get it” he whispered in your neck, platonically. But he got your sweet spot so you bit your tongue some. “What makes you think I do? You do yours!”

He sat back up straight and grabbed his, opening it. “Hmm, take your time, try to wine and dine, same lucky numbers as you” he looked at you while your lower lip was puckering out, confused but not gonna stress yourself out about it.

“Aren’t they just beautiful” daya quietly said, recording it and putting it on her Snapchat instead. Harrison agreed as they all started at both of you but you didn’t take any sense to notice.

“Who’s paying?” Tom said. “Split” you say back, everyone taking out their credit card and placing it in the middle.

About two days later you went out for shopping, mostly for yourself but you did think about buying daya matching Harry Potter mugs.

You looked at Victoria secret, looking at all the options you could get, but you got white lingerie, lacy white lingerie. You had about 3 bags in your hands, all clothes as you found yourself hungry, you checked the time and noticed it was about five thirty but daylight saving so it was darker then usual.

You found yourself at a Chinese place at the food court, ordering what you wanted as your phone blew up from the events of yesterday. “Y/n?” You heard a familiar voice, you turned to see-

“Thomas?” You smiled at him as he smiled back, coming up close and seeing ‘foot locker’ and ‘Nike’ bags in his hand. “Hey!” He came over and reached out for a hug which you accepted, and you smelled so good, like no one else. He knew once they started to publicly date he would have to point out that you have this magnificent smell.

“Hey babe how are you?” You ask looking at him, letting him go as his hands were still on your arms. “My phone won’t stop blowing up” he sighed and rolled his eyes “eh same here” “what are you doing?” He asked, you pointed at the title of the food place “Chinese food” “your trying again aren’t you?” “You know what- shut up” you laughed making him join along.

He decided to join you at one of the tables, both with hats on and black tinted sunglasses. “This is humiliating” you sighed, playing with the noodles. “What?” He asked looking up at you. “I shouldnt really have to hide because I just want to eat alone” you let out a distant chuckle and let the food alone, looking at the table.

“Yeah I know it does suck, but atleast we have killer fans right!” “Yeah but then they want to turn on you because you wanna make a point or a decision for yourself” he only sighed in defeat at your point, nodding in agreement. “I mean I guess it’s what we signed up for” “I just really want to do what I love but then there’s the pros and cons, people loving my body and people hating my body, telling me I should lose weight and that I should just kill myself-“

“Well you shouldn’t, people tried to cancel me because I didn’t vote? I can’t!” He grabbed your hand and that made you look at him “and your beautiful, so beautiful, don’t take only my word but everyone else’s, and whoever is telling you to kill yourself has a problem with their body image, they want to be you!” He gave you a smile, you gave a weak one back. “Hey love, darling, trust me. There’s a lot of people out there that support you! Why do paparazzi want to take photos of you? To let everyone know hoe your doing at the moment!”

“That wasn’t a good one Thomas” you laughed which made him giggle, he reached over and let go of your hand and places his thumb on your chin, the coldness of his ring on his pointer finger as it’s under your chin.

“Your really fucking beautiful, princess, fame is annoying celebrity is a annoying word but guess what? Isn’t it worth it?” “Yeah I guess, because I met you” you smirk, he tilts your head up and looks at your lips, looking at your eyes for approval and you nod your head.

He presses his lips on yours, pulling you closer as he wants to climb over the table and just take you there, his lips on your soft delicate ones is heaven, feeling your hand raise up to his cheek as you let go for a longer one-

“Hey get out of here! It’s like 7, stop sharing your cootie germs!” The janitor says with his strong Indian accent which makes you both laugh while your lips are still pressed together.

“Hey I really mean it!” You both let go as he shouts a thank you and you didn’t even notice it was that dark, he didn’t either. “Wanna get out of here?” He asked, you nodded as you both grabbed your bags and threw away your food.

You both couldn’t keep your lips off of each other, he slammed you against the apartment door, leaving you to moan as he focused on your neck, grabbing the key from his poket and shoving it in the door, opening it as he twisted to nob you fell and he feel ontop of you, well on your stomach.

You both laughed out of breath as he got up to close the door, thankfully there was a door stopper that didn’t allow a mark on the wall, he came back down and helped you up, taking the bags from your hand and throwing it on the couch, the boxes of shoes falling out of the bag and on the floor.

You quickly took off your clothes, leaving you in your underwear with Tom just admired you, your sweet brown skin just shinning of cocoa butter lotion and body oil, smelling so intoxicating as he walked up to you, his hand softly placed on your waist as he whispered in your ear “help me” you giggled and unbuckled his pants while he unbuttoned his shirt, quickly only in his-

“Really? Spider-Man? Your such a narcissist” “your ruining the moment” “whatever kiddo” he took your hand and ran into the room, falling on the bed from the jeans around his ankles, you got comfy on the queen bed with the silky black sheets and blanket, your legs open waiting for him as he kicked off his jeans.

He looked at you and your legs, crawling over to kiss your shins up to your thighs, his lips so soft on your skin as if he doesn’t want to break it.

“You such a pretty girl” he purred, kissing up to your stomach, to the middle of your breasts to you neck. “Touch me please tommy” you sighed in relief as he went down to your underwear, pressing your clit and trailing down to see you soaked. “I’ve barely touched you princess, do I make you wet like this?” He talks mostly to himself, not expecting an answer but you do “yes you do, fuck you make me so wet tom, watching your hands move, you mouth-“

“My mouth huh? What do you want me to do princess? Eat you out? Make you come then I fuck you and don’t miss a beat? Make everyone hear my good girl?” He asked, making you moan at the scenarios “I want to you to be on top of me, I want to you fuck yourself on my dick until you make me whine” he comes up to your ear and whispers “which I don’t do”, you whimper as he unclamped your bra, the cold ring and Rolex on your back as he gets it off.

You smile as he just stares, reaching down and taking a nipple in his mouth, moaning as he punches the other. “Fuck Thomas your really good” “shh now, remember what I want you to do f’me okay?” He asked looking up at you, you nodded as he reached down in between your thighs, pushing the underwear to the side.

He puts a finger inbetween your folds, his fingers rather warm and he rubs right over your whole while he continues to kiss and leave hickeys around your neck and inbetween your breasts.

He pushes in his finger and you let out a whimper, his fingers way bigger then your own “your so tight around my finger, fuck your gonna feel so good around my cock, just let me make you come first” you nod at him and give him a open mouth kiss as he goes down, taking off your panties and lifting your thighs and putting them inbetween his head.

He pumps is finger in you slowly, my the third time you suddenly let out a “oh” as your breathe starts to get heavy, “don’t give up now darling” “get to work and I’ll see what I can do for-“ you moan as he wraps his lips around your clit, kitty licking.

“Don’t talk down on me, darling” he says, before adding another finger, his long slender fingers finding your spot as he rubs over it, shaking his head from side to side around your bundle of nerves, your legs raise into a butterfly just asking for more.

Your hands reach down to his hair and you pull it, ruffle it and whimper as his fingers press hard on your spot “ah!” You let out a high pitched moan, he makes eye contact with you as his tongue continues to run miles, infinity signs, even his own full name on you “I’m so close” you whimper, he already knew by how much you were clenching around him, he sped up his movements, licking the slide of your clit, bucking your hips and pulling his hair making him moan on you, high pitch moans, the sounds of his fingers in your wet slopping whole is just enough to make you come, “Aw please! Fuck tommy!” Your eyes roll back as you cum, your back arching more as your fluids let loose and your stomach a pit of fire.

“You tase so good, Mmm” he licks you clean, savoring your tase as he licks his lips and comes up to kiss you, sharing tongues and humming at the taste on his lips.

And it was your time for the deal, he turned you both so you were on top. His hands already behind his head as he enjoyed the view already, you grabbed his member and pumped it a few times making him groan, you swiped him between your folds and cried at the overstimulation.

“Fuck y/n” he moaned feeling of your wetness looking down and seeing his spit and your arousal connected to the tip of his member, you both moaned at the feeling of his member getting in you so slowly.

You started to move your hips against his, seeing him so comfortable and watching every single move you make could make you come right there, you started to bounce and you sat up straight, moaning as Tom took a hand of his and licked his thumb to roll your nipple “faster” he said, as you did it.

“Fuck tommy your so good” “oh no it’s you babygirl, fucking yourself on my dick like I told you to, I don’t have to do any-“ he groaned “work, your such a good girl, my princess” he praised making you whimper and lean down. In this moment he could stay there forever, your ass on display as you bounced your whimpers in his neck right on his sweet spot. “Shit y/n”he moaned, letting his hands go to your ass and lift his legs to thrust into you, “no tommy” you say weakly, pushing his legs down “I get to fuck myself on you like you said” you hit back a moan.

“I did princess- fuck” he let out an ‘uh’ as you clenched around him, his eyebrows furrowed as his mouth opened, you leaned back up to kiss his neck, his sweet spot and made hickeys with no hesitation. You moved faster and placed your hands in his chest and hearing your ass on his thighs, the slickness coating all over his member and trailing down his thighs “fuck!” You come, “don’t stop-please! Don’t stop” he practically begged, thats more than a whine and you were willing to take it, it was all so good, so good.

His hands left your ass and went up to your neck, looking down at his darkened eyes as he bit his lip “fucking yourself so good on my dick, fuck!” He came and shot his load up you “yes Tom!” You whimpered and arched your back coming with him. He painted your walls as you ride it out, him massaging your thighs and biting his lip as he watched his cum trail down your thighs and on his dick.

“You tired?” You asked, throwing yourself over, he looked over “yeah” he reached over to kiss you and wrap his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into his chest, he turned off the light on his night stand as you lifted your leg over his thigh, both on the left side of the bed and taking in each other, drawing patterns in his chest. “So does this mean-“ “yeah of course”

You woke up in the same spot, looking up at Thomas and finding him already looking at you. “Hey princess” he smiled, taking his arm and drawing circles on yours. “Hey bubs” you kissed his chest. You only admired each other before having to clean each other up, sharing a shower, nothing happened but giggles and soft rubs on the butt, of course until you put on the lingerie that you bought yesterday.

[rainingspellforlove]

change.

he never knew there will be someone who changes his life completely. someone who makes him feel loved. and someone who finally makes him fall in love. 

so from now on, don't let go of this hand when I'm with you, all my worries disappears, my life has changed, I will change your life too so that your beautiful image can last forever

Super Junior D&E - Change

sometimes when life gets too hard, you will not care at all about love. your priority will change. solving life problems first then love is the last. lee hyukjae never experienced how to love and being loved by someone. he’s always alone and had like few friends. he didnt care. he went to college and always sits alone. he enjoys his self more than to care about other people. 

he did his best for studying and made money. hyukjae’s mom is sick and needs to stay at hospital for few months. that requires a lot of money of course, so he must do a part time to pay all the bills. hyukjae’s sister and dad already said that he shouldnt work too much, just focus on the college, they can help the bills. but he insited to make money too, so they’re just letting him do it. he just lives his life to prioritize his family. 

hyukjae had this daily routine days, first he went to college at the morning until 3pm, then he went to hongdae to do something like street dance with some groups there. sometimes he joined a group of street dancers but sometimes he did it alone. hyukjae had this speciality, it’s dancing. he loves it so much. dancing is like half of his life. he wants to join an academy but he always thinks that too much money is needed so he just buried his dream deeply. fortunately, there’s like a group of street dancers that allows anyone to enter without joining an academy. hyukjae decides to join because at least they can make money from it. it’s like a charity performances but it’s okay he loves it. hyukjae learned dancing while watching the youtube alone, and he mastered it quickly. even the street dancers group amazed by him. so they sometimes makes a solo performance for him and he can take all the money from his performance. since then everyday he went there for dancing. 

after hongdae, sometimes he went to minimarket as a part timer, but  he had night shift for just 3 days in a week. because sometimes, the street dancing lasted longer than usual. it depends of how people attracted for them. his days always got pretty busy, but he did it for his mom. 

in the college, he always seems to be alone and not seen. he always wears black outfits from head to toe and he had like long black hair almost mullet style. actually he’s pretty attractive, but he just choose to stay away from people. also, no one knew he’s a street dancer because he always wears a hat to cover while dancing.  he will stay unnoticed. he just loves to be alone. he also had like 3-4 piercing holes in his both ears. he didnt wear those piercings while going on college but he wears it when he went to hongdae to dance. 

maybe people around them didnt notice him being there in the class because of that dark aura of him. and no one dares to be curious. but, there’s this one guy always been curious about hyukjae. and turned out he knew that hyukjae is a street dancer!  

This guy always quietly watches hyukjae since they got in the same class for this semester. actually, he never went to the same class as hyukjae. apparently in this semester, there was like a special joint class for some of the faculties. he decides to take this because he must to get a better grade for this semester and he should take another addition class. he loves his hobby so much until he forgets that his grade is falling. basketball is his life, so he joined the club in the university and did his best for basketball. the team he’s in often gets a win but he didnt realize his grade faces a downfall. so here he is, attending the class. the number one basketballer, lee donghae finally makes a move to fix his grades. 

at first donghae didnt notice this fairy (he said it himself for the first time he saw him)  at the class for like almost 2 weeks and this sudden realization hits him so hard. 

once upon a time, after finishing his basketball practice, he and his teammates went to hongdae for hanging out and eating snacks. then he went separated from his teammates and got attracted to a crowd. 

“wow, what is this crowds”

then he walked closely and watched, turned out it’s a street dance. he’s stunned by the performances.  drowning in their skillful and amazing dance performances. he’s amazed especially by this one skinny guy. his moves are perfect. beautiful. strong but delicate. his dancing skills are crazy. he is stunned and frozen by this amazing dancer. he was too focused on him. he even clapped so hard after their performances ended and gave them bunch of money. this was too lit af and deserved more audiences. but he’s too curious of this one dancer. his face cant be seen because of his bucket hat. he wears an all black outfit and his hair is a bit longer. he had 3  piercings in his right ear, and one of the is long piercing. and suddenly, this dancer guy opened his hat and bows to everyone to thank for their performances... that time he almost dropped his coffee, good thing he was quickly back to his sense. 

“what the fuck i dont know that fairy exists in the world” said donghae to himself

he’s definitely beyond stunned... and speechless. donghae is awed like hell. he must find a way to get to know him no matter what. he ‘s in love for the first sight definitely.

days after that, he always went to hongdae for watching his fairy everytime he had time after practicing. he loves to see him so much while dancing. but he’s still didnt get a chance to get his name because he always dissappears quickly after the performance. maybe later he will get that chance. 

and that sudden chance comes to donghae like a lightning struck in his head but not in hongdae, it happened in his class.

that day after the class ends, donghae was about to run to his basketball practice, but he crashed into someone. and that someone’s books was scattered on the floor.

“oh God sorry sorry im in a rush lemme help you” donghae said and puts this someone’s books from the floor

“ah no it’s okay, it’s my fault too i didnt look at the way clearly” said this guy softly

donghae quickly takes the books in his hands and gives the books to this guy. at first, donghae didnt look at this guy’s face before he stands up. he looks at the books and found a name on it.

“so lee hyukjae,  im sorry for crashing into you, here’s your books-” then he feels the time stopped. he’s standing still there stunned at the presence he saw right now. 

donghae who’s still in dazed was suddenly back to his sense after this lee hyukjae called him

“ehm- hey? thank you but hey are you okay?” hyukjae said 

“oh-o-oh im yeah. im-im- youre welcome. y-yeah im- totally fine.”

“good, my books?”

“books, oh yeah,yeah ofcourse your books. here”

“thanks. ehm whats your name?”

“donghae, im lee donghae”

“thanks donghae and sorry for crashing into you. good bye”

then hyukjae walks away after that and donghae still didint believe what he saw.

his fairy. his beautiful fairy is actually at the same class with him. and he didnt know??? then days after that, he always takes a look of him everyday like every single day. he’s so curious about lee hyukjae. why he always alone and why everyone didnt notice there is a beautiful guy here in his class. donghae admits that hyukjae seems like a so much outsider and stays away from people. donghae wonders why he’s like that. but he didnt care, he must get to know him more.

so he got himself prepared and tried to talk to him after his dancing performances. he actualy runs to catch him to talk. 

“hey wait” donghae runs

then hyukjae stops and looks back. he’s surprised at donghae’s presence right now.

“o-oh h-hey. lee donghae how-”

“you know i always watch you almost everyday but i never knew that you’re one of my classmates....”

“thankyou for watching. but it’s kinda embarassing to know that my classmates knows me in this state”

“why? you looked so damn amazing... youre stunning”

“w-well thank you for the compliment.. it’s nice hearing someone directly compliments me like this. it’s just too rare for me hearing this”

“i mean it you’re really amazing. i love your beautiful moves.”

actually, hyukjae already knew that donghae always watched him almost everyday and he knew too that he is his classmates! so thats why he always quickly runs away from donghae. he’s afraid he knew him after he’s in the same class with him.  it’s just too embarrassing. but that crashing moment happened and hyukjae realized that it seems donghae realized it too that he’s in the street dancers in hongdae... that time he knew he’s fucked up. he cant hide this anymore.. 

“s-stop complimenting me it’s nothing kdsdjksjdf”

hyukjae’s ears got so red and he’s blushing to death

donghae just chuckled looking his reactions

“the fuck are you so cute for....” he ruffles hyukjae’s hair without he even realized. 

hyukjae’s heart beats so fast after donghae did that. 

“i didnt know that you’re this cute actually, it’s different when you’re dancing..”

“uhm y-yeah i dont know it’s just naturally done.. b-but no i-im not that cute you know”

“do you have time after this?”

“just going home maybe, why?”

“lets take a walk a little and let me take you home. is that okay for you?”

“w-why do you want to take me home? ”

“i dont know. it feels like i must make a first move by taking you home?”

hyukjae didnt know that donghae is this bold. he’s flustered and cant say anything

“come on lets take a little walk here..” then donghae just pulled hyukjae’s hand ready to walk around hongdae.. 

“s-sure”

they walk around hongdae street, talk about everything, and donghae found out that hyukjae is fun. he even reacts to donghae’s lamest jokes. and donghae managed to know why hyukjae loves to dance and why he did this street dance.. donghae feels sorry but when he didnt offers help because hyukjae already told him that he can do this alone and he didnt need anyhelp. because he loves it too dancing. donghae always wonders why he loves to be alone but he didnt talk about it, maybe next time. hyukjae seems like he’s comfortable with donghae’s presence because hyukjae keeps laughing and responding to anything donghae said. 

“i have told you why i love dancing,, so what do you love donghae-ssi?”

“basketball, you didnt know that im in the uni team?”

“uhm yep i dont know, sorry i didnt know at all about our uni and stuffs, im just coming for the grades and graduates quickly thats it”

“yeah well it’s obvious of you hmm yeah so if thats the case, you must watch me on the basketball competition 2 weeks later”

“ huh.. why should i?”

“so you can get to know me better”

“it’s not even a reason”

“i watched almost all your performances you must pay back”

“but i didnt ask you to watch it anyway”

“then should i tell everyone that youre doing street dance?”

“NO PLEASE DONT. okay i’ll watch”

“good.”

“why youre so annoying”

“because it seems you already take my heart away”

“sksjfdksjf stop saying something like that. we just knew each other for like few hours”

“i dont care, youre cute”

“stopppp”

after hanging out for a while, they decide to go home. donghae gives hyukjae a ride to home. in the car, they both actually have the same music tastes so they sing along together along the way home. 

“thank you, i admit it today is fun even you’re kinda annoying. but you know it’s weird to see you the famous guy hanging around with me the emo and lonely guy in the class, it’s okay if you shouldnt hang out with-”

“hey lee hyukjae, dont you just realized that i flirted my ass off for you this entire night? i fuckin like you so dont you dare to push me away, because i’ll come for you no matter what happens, okay got it?”

“b-but-”

“no buts or i’ll kiss you right now”

“f-fine f-fine, o-kay then see you tomorrow on class, i guess?”

“see you- oh i forget to tell you something”

“what is it?”

“come closer quick”

“wha-”

donghae suddenly takes off his seat belt and kisses hyukjae’s head quick. 

“good night”

“h-hey w-what-”

“see you tomorrow dancing fairy”

hyukjae will never knew that his life will change completely after this day.  

after that day, donghae who’s always sits on the back and near the exit door, suddenly sits on the middle near the window where hyukjae always sits. 

“good morning, from now i’ll sit here for the whole semester”

“what even?” 

and people slowly started whispering to each other when this happened. what is happening when this hottest basketball player of the uni suddenly sits beside this emo guy. and people keeps wondering through the 2 hours class because donghae cant keep his hands down off hyukjae. 

sometimes he plays with his hair like curling it and carressing it. 

“hey”

“what now”

“you should show your face more even your hair is this long, like this”

donghae slips hyukjae’s hair slowly behind his ears and make it like his face be more seen. 

“pretty. i think you should cut your bangs a little” 

and ofcourse hyukjae is blushing to death again

“s-stop playing , listen to the professor”

“yea yea yea” 

hyukjae definitely realized this sudden attention and he’s nervous af. he hates attention (except for his dancing). 

class ends and hyukjae wants to go home right now. hyukjae quicks cleans his table and ready to go home.

“dont you need to go to hongdae?”

“im tired so i ask them for a day off.”

“oh, then can you watch me practice for a bit?”

“why... should i....”

“pleasseeeee please please please”

donghae cant stop whining and people start staring at them..

“fine fine fine please shut up”

“then lets go”

they arrived at the indoor field and his teammates are wondering who he brought at the field..

“wait here, it takes 30 minutes then i’ll take you home”

“why is it so fast?”

“because this time i just need to coach the juniors and my other teammates will take care for the rest of it.”

“ah right, you’re the captain. cool”

“you will know that im cooler than you think.”

“prove it”

donghae smiled to hyukjae and take the challenge “of course i will prove it”

donghae starts to coach the juniors, he’s so different while on the field. he becomes all serious and dicipline towards the juniors. he showed them the moves and how to play properly. and he really proved it that he’s cool when he did basketball. his moves is quick and he had like his clever strategy to trick the opponents. he looks amazing while doing the shots. he scored many points. he’s definitely the ace of the team. 

“he’s just showing off, but i admit he’s cool” 

then suddenly some of his teammates comes to where hyukjae sits in the side of the field.

“hey who are you? donghae’s friend?”

“y-yeah kinda” hyukjae looks a bit nervous always

“but how come i never find a cute guy like you in this uni, weird, are you from other uni?”

“no-no im in the same class as donghae”

“oh, are you interested in him or -” when one if his teammates didnt even finish his sentence suddenly a ball thrown at his head. 

“dont you dare to touch my property” donghae who throws the basketball quickly runs to hyukjae

“eish you prick, we just try to get to know him, whats the problem”

donghae starts to pull hyukjae behind his back, and holds his hand tightly

“he’s mine get away from him even youre all my teammates dont you dare to go near him or i’ll kill you”

“look! look! he’s that scary.... come on lets go guys hahaha”

“he’s like an angry puppy... our captain is indeed scary” 

then they go away..

“i start to regret to bring you here, are you okay”

“im finee nothing to worry”

“but you looked hella nervous”

“HAHAHA youre right but you know i cant stay calm in front of new people”

“right... sorry..”

“it’s okay really you fool. by the way, i admit that youre cool. i love your quick moves”

“right? im indeed the coolest in basketball”

“pfft showing off. here drink it” hyukjae gives donghae a water

“thanks..” 

“you looked so exhausted, dont you need a rest?” hyukjae takes a towel from the bench and wipes donghae’s forehead while he’s drinking

“look you’re drenched in sweat..”

this time donghae who’s flustered, drops his drink on the floor. fortunately the bottle already empty. 

“hey whats wrong you drop your bottle. oh wait- fuck youre- blushing?!?”

then donghae nods slowly

“arghhhh take your towel, now im flustered more” hyukjae just throws the towel to donghae and runs away. and donghae quick grabs his hand.

“lets stop this and lets go home..”

donghae starts to say goodbye to everyone and go home with hyukjae

donghae didnt even realized he still grabs hyukjae’s hands until they got into his car. donghae’s tightens his holds without saying anything. and hyukjae still got his ears red while holding hands with him. then donghae suddenly said, 

“two weeks from today, i have a match..”

“ehm”

“then maybe i cant visit you often at night.. but i will still visit you”

“it’s okay though you dont need to come often-”

“no but i love to come. and if i win-”

silence for a moment

“go on a date with me”

“and if i lose, i will go back to my original seat”

“how?”

“s-sure it’s up to you”

“do you know that i want to kiss you so bad on your pretty lips but i resisted it because i need to win first”

“youre crazy”

“i know. for you” 

donghae is indeed a love fool. he’s challenging himself to win and he decides it himself too. hyukjae cant understand donghae’s mind at all. he just met him for like maybe 2 weeks? lately donghae just keeps wandering around him like a puppy. since he sat beside hyukjae in the class, he keeps following hyukjae around. donghae is a clingy puppy.  sometimes he takes hyukjae home or even picks him up in the morning. hyukjae is totally okay with that and he feels that donghae is not a total nuisance for him. he likes his presence actually. hyukjae admits donghae is such a gentleman, kind, and funny person. at least he’s trying to be a funny one. 

“stop trying to be funny. your joke is a total failure”

“at least im trying!” donghae looks upset and it’s cute

“aigu, eung eung aiguu” hyukjae unconsciously ruffles his hair

hyukjae suddenly realized his actions and he’s completely frozen. he’s about to lower his hand but it’s too late. donghae grabs it fast.

“dont” he takes hyukjae’s hand and place it into his cheek softly.

“h-hey..” hyukjae slowly starts to speak

donghae slowly closed his eyes and still grabs hyukjae’s pretty fingers in his cheek..

 “i love your hands. it’s delicate and softer than mine.” hyukjae cant say a word. he’s about to explode

“youre really driving me crazy”  he finally opened his eyes and brings hyukjae’s hand closer to his lips. slowly, he kissed that pretty hand softly

“im definitely gonna make you fall in love with me”  

hyukjae’s ears are so burning like tomato. he’s speechless. he’s never been loved by someone boldly like this. donghae is a whole new one. 

day by day passed and it’s time for donghae’s basketball match. hyukjae promised him to come but he had a sudden calls from his street dancers mates that they have a sudden meeting that day. he didnt have time and he’s in rush. he’s late for like 15 minutes. he ran like crazy to the university stadium. 

“oh man i cant be late. i promise him”

while in the stadium, donghae seems like looking around the whole seats in the stadium from the basketball field. hyukjae isnt there.. he’s a little bit upset.. 

“didnt he want a date with me.... did he hate me.. but he kinda likes me. or am i just delusional...”

then the match begins.

hyukjae still on the bus and keeps looking on his phone. 

he’s finally arrived at the stadium and he’s 20 minutes late. hyukjae breaths heavily as he arrived at the stadium seats. fortunately there’s an empty seat at the front. 

“thank god i didnt miss the whole match” hyukjae sighed

the score right now is tie and keep chasing each other. hyukjae is freaking anxious. he’s already sweating even he didnt play the game. he’s nervous too.  the 3rd quarter is already finished. and there’s a break for like 5 minutes. donghae is sweating real hard.. his jersey is all wet and hyukjae knew he’s tired.  donghae pants heavily and his looks are all serious. donghae looks around to the audiences and he’s smiled brightly after that. of course he’s looking on his fallen angel who looks extraordinary beautiful today. turned out hyukjae wears bright outifts and donghae looks stunned. the crowds screamed when donghae smiled brightly like that. he definitely had fans actually. who’s not gonna love him when he is such a perfect guy. and the crowds in the stadium seats already knew that donghae just smiled like that for hyukjae. hyukjae who’s flustered like hell keep lowering his head because of embarrassment. all the attentions on him really makes him nerrvous and flustered. then he looked slowly on donghae who’s still looking at him from the field. 

“fighting!” hyukjae finally mouthing those words slowly

donghae nods slowly “i will” 

the last quarter starts. the game is playing again. the score gaps still in a slight different. sometimes our uni leads , sometime the opponent leads. donghae still plays in a pretty good state even it’s the last quarter. he’s really working hard on this. he scores well too. he’s indeed a pro hyukjae thinks. 5 minutes left and hyukjae couldnt be more nervous than now. he keeps moving his feet anxiously. 

“come on donghae-ya, you can do this come on” 

3 minutes left and the score is tied

2 minutes left....

1 minute left..... 

30 seconds left... suddenly donghae takes the ball and he runs. 

and the plot twisted! he did the buzzer beater and scores 2 points! the uni team won!!

hyukjae screams and claps happily with the crowds to celebrate the winning team. donghae runs and hugs the team to celebrate it also. then donghae looks  to the audiences and searched for hyukjae. he smiled to hyukjae and runs to the audiences seat. hyukjae is flustered and he’s like ready to run but the crowds are just too crowded for him to run. he cant move from his seat because too many people there. donghae who runs there and of course making the crowds even wilder. 

finally, donghae faces hyukjae. hyukjae stands slowly and face donghae who’s all wet in sweats.  

“c-congrats you won” hyukjae said

“of course im a man with words”

“hum sure sure” 

“so, a date with me?”

“sure mr. lee, just decide the time and place.”

“this weekend? are you free?”

“im free”

“your street dance schedule?”

“i can make my schedule off for you”

“wah im very honored”

they just laughs after that  .. donghae suddenly places his hand softly into hyukjae’s cheek and said

“you looked beautiful today.”

that time when he did that, the crowds screams wilder because of that sudden scene. seems like the girls love them being together too. 

“uu-uh thanks....” said hyukjae nervously

“i-i mean you look beautiful everyday but today you’re extra lovely”

“s-stop” 

“sorry i cant help myself. thank you for coming. seeing you like this on the audiences makes me more competitive haha”

“but sorry im late earlier. there’s-”

“no no it’s okay even you came for the last 10 minutes i’ll be glad”

“mwoya..”

“uhm, i will have a dinner with my team, so..... i’ll text you later?”

“of course you can go then”

“i really dont wanna leave you like this but-”

“eish you just won, you must celebrate it you brat” 

“but i want to be with you....”

“dont be like a kid. just go”

“fine.... dont forget this weekend okay? i’ll pick you up”

“eung eung i promise.... okay? just gooo quickk” hyukjae pushes him slowly

“okay fine, but before i go-” 

“what now....”

donghae moves one step closer and kisses hyukjae’s forehead rightaway... hyukjae is dazed again for the nth time because of this man.

“see you on weekend” donghae said softly and leaves him in shock. 

the crowds keep screaming excitedly looking at the scene... donghae is indeed a crazy and bold if it comes to love. he’s like the type of “what he wants, he always gets.”

the d-day.

after his 22 years of living, it’s the first time of him going on a date with a guy. he never admits he’s gay or straight because he never knew how to fall in love before. but dang there’s that guy,  that very guy who came to his life like a bomb, a love bomb.  he doesnt have any idea at all, what to wear and what should he do later. 

“eish what am i thinking too much. it’s just a date?! calm lee hyukjae. lets be calm first okay. lets wear the usual outfit”

hyukjae is ready to go with his best outfit, a denim jacket with a grey tshirt inside it and a long pants with same colour. then he goes to the meet up point at starbucks near his street dance place. 

actually donghae arrived early and he’s already with his ice americano. he sits beside the window while looking on his phone. hyukjae who came after ordering an ice chocolate (he’s a literal non coffee person) approached donghae slowly. 

“h-hey sorry im a bit late” 

then donghae looked up and “oh hyunkjae no it’s o-”

before he finished his words.. he’s stunned again for the nth time right now. hyukjae always makes his heart explodes... today he looked outstanding. wonderful. beautiful. his fallen angel.... donghae is falling from head to toe.

“you looked beautiful..  oh my god. are you real??”

“eish. stop it you’re just exaggerating. you look good too today.”

“im just wearing all black here, and youre looking super good and how can i deserve you my angel......”

hyukjae cant stand this cringe man in front of him and punch him on his chest. and he just arrgh-ed

“stop with this nonsense and lets go okay you cringe weirdo”

“okay okay hahaha”

 they walked out from the cafe and finally go somewhere. 

“what are we going to do today?” 

“lets watch a movie?”

“call!” 

they go to the nearby cinema and watch avengers. both of them are in love with marvel so they had fun watching it. it’s not even a romance movie but donghae quietly slipped his hand to hyukjae’s hand beside him and holding it tight. he’s still focusing on the movie without looking on his hand which automatically in tangled with hyukjae’s. hyukjae feels his heart almost jumped at this state. hyukjae already experienced these kind of actions donghae gave him. but he’s still not used to these... it still gives him an explosion in his mind. hyukjae tryin to be calm as ever while enjoying the movie. 

the movie ended and they’re so happy because it comes with a happy ending. they walked out from the cinema still holding hands. donghae seems didnt want to let go, so does hyukjae. 

“do you like it?”

“of course, ive been wanting to watch it since it came out”

“glad then we’re the same. lets go strolling this street and find place to eat.”

they take a stroll to the street. walking around while watching some of the street performers. they buy some snacks and share it together. hyukjae bought an ice cream cone and he enjoys it so much. while he enjoys the vanilla ice cream slowly (still holding hands with donghae) donghae suddenly comes to his face closer and licks the ice cream too. so they just few inch apart with their forheads attached from one another. 

“hmm it’s good”

hyukjae who’s startled by his actions (again) just continue with his ice cream and nods. donghae who always looks like an innocent boy after doing all of these sudden actions, smiles happily. 

hyukjae finally done with the ice cream and he said 

“dont you want to buy any snacks here? there are many delicious snacks here”

“hmmm let me think”

donghae slower his walks and thinks but suddenly looks up on hyukjae “whats wrong?” hyukjae asks

“there’s-” donghae just wiped the leftover of the ice cream in hyukjae’s lips corner and licks it for himself. 

“okay clean” 

again... for the infinite time already... lets just calm down heart. said hyukjae in his mind

then they watched some street performers there. there are some bands performing so they decided to watch them. 

“wah they’re so good. i love his voice. it’s soothing” 

the band apparently sings baekhyun’s song UN Village. and it sounds good with the band performance. 

“hm yeah it’s good i love it too.” donghae finally said. they’re still holding hands in quiet while enjoying the performances.. after few minutes donghae lets go of his hand and moves from the side to hyukjae’s back. suddenly donghae slips his both hands circling hyukjae’s waist. donghae is backhugging him. he places his head in hyukjae’s shoulder and quietly whispers something

“you know, im still tired from yesterday’s match... but i really want to have a date with you quickly.  lets stay like this for another one song they perform”

“s-sure...” 

they stay like that for a while.. hyukjae carresses donghae’s hands in his waist softly while enjoying the performance... hyukjae slowly leaned his head to donghae’s in his shoulder... 

“you did great... lee donghae im so proud.. promise me after this date, you will rest okay?”

“ehmm, thank you.. okay i promise..” said donghae while closing his eyes and hugging him even tighter..

the atmosphere there really fits them right now, the music, the lights, and the environment there... hyukjae slowly carresses donghae’s hair slowly... donghae feels so comfortable, hugging hyukjae warms his body. he loves it too much

the song ends and donghae still doesnt want to let go.

“the song ends.. come on we must eat...”

“lets just walk like this then”

“weirdo i would never do that of course. come on eish youre like a koala lets go eat okay?”

“fine....” finally donghae lets go his hugs and starts to holds hyukjae’s hand again

“good boy. i have my favourite restaurant around here. lets go there, you’ll love it”

they finally go to hyukjae’s favourite restaurant nearby. it’s a korean dish restaurant. they served good meats and many more. 

they arrive and sit near the window. the place is cozy and not too many people there. because it’s already night and got a few hours left open. they already ordered some things to eat and wait for them to come.

“donghae..”

“hm?”

“i had fun today. you know that i never been in a date before. and it turned out today is great. it’s because of you. thank you i love it so much”

“you know, maybe im the luckiest person here because i can make you go on a date with me”

“not again please oh my”

“seriously, my basketball friends always asked many things about you, but i never answered any of them because you’re gonna be mine. and mine only” said donghae proudly

“cringey stop it”

“but it’s really true like how not to fall in love with you when you’re looking like a fallen angel”

“s-so do you fall in love with me?”

“of course i do?!? it’s obvious though..”

“i know.”

“perhaps... you dont like me?”

“no of course not you dumb”

“ so you like me??”

then the food comes... 

“lets eat first hahahahah” 

“aaarghhh lee hyukjae the cliffhanger”

they finally eat together happily... and donghae keeps giving hyukjae food and feeding him. 

“stop feeding me, i can eat by myself..”

“you’re too thin you must eat a lot!!”

“i know i know i eat a lot actually but i dont know my body looks so small i guess”

they finished their dinner and walked out from the restaurant. 

“it’s already late, do you want to do something at this hour or lets just go home?”

“lets just go home, you need to rest too. i know you havent rest well since the match right?”

“h-hmm yeah but-”

“lets just go home okay. it’s enough, i love this date and im so happy okay?”

“fine lets go home then”

“good, you also need to rest quickly”

they have a ride in donghae’s car to hyukjae’s apartment. they talk about anything in the car like how does it feel winning the match, and something about donghae and his love for basketball. 

“you’re really pro basketballer even you’re not that tall hahaha”

“eish, not just tall people who’s becoming a pro. this not too tall people like me can be one too!”

“okay okay, but i admit you’re really good. you’re really great at sport. am i right?”

“yeah you can say so. i love working out my body though hahaha”

“i know it’s too obvious with your big stature. it’s good actually” 

“good for what?”

“this is embarrassing to say but i love your hugs it’s comfy and warm....”

silence for a bit....

 “oh my god what did i just say just forget it”

donghae just smiled and said “i can give you more hugs in the future too”

“just stop it kasdjksad this is embarrassing”

they finally arrived on hyukjae’s apartment.. but it seems hyukjae seems to think about something.. 

he hesitates at first but he finally gathers his courage to say this.

“lee donghae”

“hm yes?”

“y-you can come if y-you want” said hyukjae slowly

donghae looked a bit startled but he nods anyway 

“sure”

they walked out from the car quietly and donghae slowly grabs hyukjae’s hand. they walk slowly to the hyukjae’s room. without a single speech they entered the room.. still holding hands. hyukjae can feel his heart about to explode anytime. hyukjae’s room looked clean and neat.. donghae looks around for a lil bit and he still follows hyukjae where to go. they finally sit together in the side of the bed.. after a moment of silence..

“your house is nice”

“t-thanks..”

then hyukjae said again “do you want a drink or something-”

“i want you.”

the moment donghae said that, hyukjae’s heart really beats so fast. 

“you know i cant resist you and you just bring me here... so what do you expect me to do?”

“I-I-feel like wanna to invite you-” hyukjae flustered he cant think of anything

“i really want to kiss you right now.. can i?”

hyukjae cant think of anything and he just nods.....

donghae moves closer and kisses him slowly... the kiss feels so warm and delicate.. hyukjae loves how donghae kisses him... he completely melts into his lips. his mind goes blank.. he just thinks of this man here kissing him passionately without any hesitation.. after few moments, donghae pulls back..

“so what’s your answer? do you like me too?”

hyukjae nods slowly with his ears already becomes red as tomato.. 

“i-i like you... a lot” 

“i love you too my angel.”

donghae smiled softly and moves closer again to press a kiss again to hyukjae. donghae finally kisses him longer and makes hyukjae slowly leans into his own bed while donghae kisses him from above. donghae takes off hyukjae’s denim jacket slowly while continue kissing him delicately.. slowly one by one, donghae unbuttons his shirt and takes it off and hyukjae too. donghae who takes hyukjae’s shirt off. donghae loves every hyukjae’s feature. his white and soft skin against his lips. he kisses every spots in hyukjae.. donghae always wants this. he wants all of him. he wants hyukjae from head to toe. donghae gives many lil kisses to hyukjae’s body until he shivers by those. hyukjae’s mind went blank. there’s just donghae, donghae, and donghae. donghae’s lips in every space of his milky skin... he even left some red purplish marks there.. hyukjae cant say anything he loves it too. donghae who finally faces hyukjae’s eyes again said 

“i would never let you go, i love you too much what should i do...”

“i wont go from you i promise... stay with me until tomorrow..” hyukjae slips his hands into donghae’s neck

“sure my love” donghae continues kissing hyukjae’s lips again.. the cold but warm feeling while having bare body pressed like this. they melt into each other... 

after having those marks everywhere, they fiinally go to sleep for real. donghae who had his arm around hyukjae tightly while hyukjae hugs him back.. 

“you can rest here with me until tomorrow... just sleep well” hyukjae said softly

“of course. thank you for loving me back”

“no..... it’s me who’s feeling so thankful right now. you know i never been in love.. and then you came and made me feel so loved.. and i realized i fell for you too”

“lets just thankful for each other for having this mutual feelings for each other. finally i can say to the world that lee hyukjae my fallen angel is finally mine”

“eish stop blabbering lets just sleep”

“sure sure good night” donghae tightens his hugs and kisses hyukjae’s forhead for the last time.

hyukjae never knew he will have these kind of stories in his life. lee donghae changed his whole lonely life. he finally feels how it is to be loved. and how to love. he loves this man so much. he madly, severely, hardly in love for the first time in his life. and it’s because of lee donghae. 

- fin

[moltazia]

A court of silver flames plot rewrite

Plot doctor. SPOILERS!!!

ok so i really dislike the latest ACOTAR book, it really undercut the illyrians as cool warriors and the achievements of rhys, cas and azriel for reaching the mountain. Really 3 people whos trained for a year is alot better than people whos trained their whole life?? it also really ignored Nestas actuall skillset and seemed to try and make her feyre 2.0. in this feyre is also very much not pregnant. that whole plotline deserves its own book and since they said they wanted to wait i think it can happen 50 years into the future or something rather than the immidiate next book from the one saying they wanted to wait. also no attempted rape tacked on plot or 3 objects everyone just forgot about. if i was to do a rewrite of the plot beats and settings of the book it would go something like this:

we move it so nesta actually moves to the illyrian camp full time for her intervention. with how the human society is structured this fits her better than velaris with the more strict and defined gender roles, we can explore here how in a way she is quite alike to illyrians. cassian is frustrated that she is not on his side when it comes to training women. we see flashbacks of her life and how it was beaten into her by her parents and everyone around her that it was mens job to care for women and it was horrible and unsightly if a woman tried to do anything on her own or push to hard for something with physical force.

she helps with the womens chores but are also confronted with the ones who want more out of life and they ask her why she thinks why shouldnt they be allowed. not all women will suddenly be trained, just the ones who want to. she comes around. she makes friends with the female shop keeper, she really likes the idea of being in control of making and having her own money. flashback to the cottage, her frustration with her father for not fulfillinf the role of provider and leader he was "supposed to" and her not being able to bring herlsef to chop the wood because it will ruin her hands, hands she was told to take care of because it was a sign she was a lady. her admiration for feyre for bringing them food but that first instinct to shun her for not being feminine or adhering to her role is very strong. she doesnt know how to handle it.

life in camp settles into a routine a bit, she sees cassian caring for his people and being a gentle person, she finds this very admirable and thirts a bit. sexism being directed at her, now that shes settled in with the women well the other illyrians have started to regard her as "just another woman" she gets angry and it becomes a bigger spat. she gets some approving comment from the more outspoken women who wants to train. she asks cassian to show her some basic defense moves.

she sees a wing clipping when cassian is gone to inspect some other camt´p and she tries to intervene she cant do anything since shes too weak and illyrians are stone hard super warriors. she makes the bargain with Cassian this time its for protection if another spat happends and so through the bargain she could summon him.

the evil queen attacks the camp with autumn court soldiers. its a disaster and alot of people die. since it was made clear they were soley after nesta she gets blamed for the attack in the high emotions after when people find their loved ones dead. she cant stay in the camp any longer.

cassian and her leaves for the court of nightmares, meeting up with the gang and Eris to discuss whats happened.(before eris arrives it is tense between her and feyre, fyre tries to hug her after hearing what happened and nest cant stand to ahve someone be kind to her after feeling like shes to blame and shrugs her off) it is agreed since nesta is a mostly neutral person to the rest of the courts and the one most trained in court manners she will be the one to go with Eris back to the autumn court to investigate. cassian will come with her as her personal guard. as the queens sister it is not something off about that arrangement. to give a reason for her to visit the autumn court they decide to fake a romance between eris and nesta. same ballroom scene as in the book.

longer flashback of nestas life right before poverty, shes the ultimate mean girl and a social butterfly, switching masks to be different people to different artistocrats with ease. shes admired and she holds high society in her small lace gloved hand. they arrive in the autumn court. she gets a "low" faerie assigned to her as a handmaiden. she has a audience with Beron and his wife.

Eris is a much better mirror for nesta than cassian. he is the same as her in many regards, growing up in a strict role. missing a step in the social dance can mean death (symbolically for nesta growing up, real here). putting on an uncaring mask to not show how intensly you care is a big theme in this part. Eris and Nesta are great at playing "the game" toghether and cassian as her silent bodyguard grows to admire her slyness and how great an actress she is, manipulating the courtiers to giving information and making accurate conclusions from their clothes and manners ("we can pressure X person to do this, their clothes are a season old and they are doing their own hair because its messier in the back where they cant see it in the mirror, this means they cant afford a hand maid anymore. give them a bribe and they will do anythign" etc). she and eris starts growing a friendship of two people who see alot of themselves in eachther.

they are figuring out the evil queen, but some moves from the enemy doesnt make sense, theres a third player in this game they realise (death god lake dude). the trio have become comfortable with each other and are hanging out and putting together their intel and gossip. Nesta becomes friends with her handmaiden. this helps break down her elitist and class barriers in her head a bit. while feyre has her painting it is to messy for nesta when she tried it.  but shes always loved clothes (we can see a bit of it in the first book even), she starts putting her own touch on dresses throughout the book and starts designing her own even. we can see how many in the court she has won over to her, cassians and eris´s side by what courtiers copy details from her designs.

she makes her handmaiden some nice outfits. we can also learn what nesta likes about herself here, in the dresses she designs: what does she emphasize, what does she hide? while she probably has a whole range of outfits to make her look anything from innocent to evil queen what does she wear when shes just "nesta"?  Feyre once remarked she hated her eyes because they reminded her of her mother and nesta. does nesta feel the same way or does she like her eyes for just the same reason? combat training with cassian continues in secret. some fun wrestling or close combat fighting flirting. she reflects on the fact that while she "let loose" in velaris and slept around she would never sleep with him casually, she knows it would mean somethign and she wouldnt be able to brush it off if she did. he asks her to teach him something aswell or explain some etiquette thing. idk, poin is that they are learning from eachother and admire each others strenghts. she says to him she thinks hes very brave to never masks his feelings but notes it leaves him open to manipulation easily. he asks back if shes then thinks herself a coward for always masking herself. conversation started out nice but turns sour.

Autumn court outing, she and cassian makes up and she opens up to him about her and feyres realtionship. we can also maybe get some more background on why shes so protective of elain here, as someone whos described to be so beautiful and charming i dont buy its because someone was like once mean to her. elain would have been popular in her own right.

she and eris ride together and jokes and such, he makes some halfjoking remark about cassian maybe and she defends him. they talk about family pressures and parental figures who are very imposing and bossy while the other is passive (something they have in common) eris lets down his guard a bit and talks about how he doesnt want to be like that, he doesnt want his future partner to be trapped in the same situation either. she talks about how she never really thought about how married life would be like growing up, everythign was about getting married. the after wasnt something discussed. she thinks about if she would ever want a family, she probably assumed she would have children one day (it was expected) but the only thing she can imagine is a perfect child like she was. she starts being afraid of if she has children she would turn into her mother. she has a quick image of cassian as a dad with a smiling little girl in his arms.

throughout this whole thing nesta is writing letters to the night court, it is expected since shes the high ladys sister and since they are surely read they use it to throw suspicion in the wrong places to beron about what she sees and suspects. but as she writes and recieves back letters and she reflects and improves on who she is, her letters become more heartfelt. doing some work to improve their relationship a bit. in her dresses she starts sewing in hidden pockets. Cassian gifts her a dagger, saying he thinks she will be able to be marginally more dangerous to others than herself by now with it. she makes a special hidden pocket for it and always has it on her.

the trio finds out who in the autumn court is the death gods agent and kidnaps them. azriel comes by to get information through torture but the agent does not break. Nesta goes in and through playing a perfect balance between caring and arrogant she gets the agent to slip up and give them a clue about where they will strike next, what they are after. Azriel is impressed, notes she is a a great interrogator and would make a great spy for him. he also notes to cassian about how shes changed alot since he saw her last. more focused and balanced in herself. Eris notes how she reminds him of Amarantha from the first book before she betrayed everyone and cassian gets mad he would say something like that. back and forth but and eris notes how "a knife is a knife, its about how its wielded." and pointing out that just because a person was an enemy on the battlefield doesnt mean he couldnt admire a skilled warrior. and so likening her to amarantha was a compliment. cassian huffily agrees and sees their, to his mind, more boring socialite nights with a new eye. same revelation as in the original book when nesta read battlefield books and saw how like it was to a court but for cassian instead.

the clue from the death gods agent leads them to trying to go after the mcguffin under the guise of a romantic trip. think a bunch of weapons hidden in a picknic basket. Handmaiden comes along to make it look real. on the perilous trip they all work together and and finally gets it, on the way back to bring the macguffin to meet up with nighcourt gang so amren can study it, they get attacked by the queens cronies again. Eris has the mcguffin and the handmaiden on his horse and rides off, making the smart decision to first and foremost get it out of the enemies reach and try and lure them off cassian and nesta. it doesnt work. the evil queen is overcome by her hatred for nesta and order her soldier after her instead of the mcguffin. nestas had some training but cant hold off soldiers whos trained for centuries and gets taken. she sees cassian being overwhelmed but still trying to get to her. she invokes the bargain of favour they made to force him to abandon her. they share a long look before he is forced by the bargain to fulfill her wish.

Eris and Cassian meets up the NC gang and they are besides themselves. a rescue mission is put toghether. Feyre insists on coming "she came for me, trying to pass the wall". handmaiden stays with azriel and amren.

Nesta wakes up in The evil queens castle. we get some one on one talks with the villain. we get insight into her motivations and why she valued her youth so much. we get to see how Nesta used to also think the most valuable thing about herself was how well she could appeal to others and the power that gave in a society wich was designed to make her powerless. she now finds it a bit sad and reflects on how much she values her new friendships and how cassian would probably still like her even if she wasnt traditionally beautiful anymore. The Villain starts draining her blood bathory style to get her youth back. agents of the deathgod comes and makes her stop before Nesta dies. he has bigger plans for her. Evil Queen looses her shit at not getting to kill her.

we see eris, feyre, and cass making plans for how to get in and rescue Nesta. some heart to heart between feyre and Cas about his feelings for Nesta and how hes holding off on showing her them. He talks about how hes seen alot get thrown at her. he talks about how she havent gotten to choose alot in her life and so in a way he hates the bond because he himself realises that that is yet another thing she havent gottent to choose. feyre wonders if nesta thinks he isnt attracted to her. that she thinks cassian only said what he said in the heat of the moment on the battefield. Cassian is dumbstruck by how anyone could not be attracted to nesta.

Evil queen comes by to taunt nesta in her cell. they exchange barbs and she lies and says she killed "her warrior" to mess with her. Nesta doesnt believe her but still gets anxious. has a twinge of doubt anyones goign to rescue her. elaine has always been with her when things go bad and a part of her thinks they only got rescued because of her since everyone loves elaine and now when its just her will they still come?

shes to be transported somwhere by the evil deathgods cronies and the evil queen is accommpanying them. the rescue trio sees them leaving. their whole plan on infiltration flies out the window and they have to move quick. Feyre uses her shape shifting to look human and makes herself bait. running at the caravan of nestas captors when theyve left the city (a castle usually have a city around it) screaming theres fae attacking from there pointing to the right as eris and cass attack from the completely opposite side. in the chaos nesta gets loose and starts running for the trees evil queen blindly pursue her and tries to kill her. with her arms free she grabbs the hidden dagger from her dress and kills the queen in self defense. the rescue trio finds her and they all go back to Night Court.

the book concludes with her and cassian having a heart to heart about how he was so worried he would loose her again and she admitting how she certainly feels somethign for him but she wants to take it slow. (her being terrified of showing her true raw feelings have yet to be resolved. her admitting this much is a big step forward for her) and they have a super smoldery kiss.

end of book. sets up evil lake dude as big baddie, nesta gets to have her own skillset instead of being yet another warrior and next book can build on the change illyrian culture regarding women plot aswell. and makes the sex have some build up.

this whole thing was of course just my personal opinion, and an impulsive plot and theme re-write. rant over.

[ifanfictionella]

Vampire falls chapter 3

chapter 3- two lost souls</p>

Three towns over life seemed normal, the streets were busseling with people going about their daily lives- the shops were open and the lines seemed to be going to the other side of the street. The sun was beautiful as it beamed down on the streets.

Summer was on it's way out, the sun had been hotter a few weeks ago but like everyone else of the quiet town, one mason wood was catching the last bit of the heat before winter set in.

An nice afternoon out of school was exactly what the 16 year old needed.

"So nice that miss decided to cancel lessons" One of his friends said as she walked hand in hand with her boyfriend who didn't seem to share the sentiment that the sun was so nice

"Tailia we could be in lesson getting valuble knowledge for our college applications" he said attempting to get her to see reason, not exactly working

"Oh please it's the first month back after summer what on earth can they tell us now?"

Mason just walked along with them nodding every now and then whilst reading a book he had picked up from the school, like tailias boyfriend he was very much concerned with actually getting into a good college.

He wanted out of oregon.

He couldn't remember past age 13 when he randomly stumbeled into this town, he assumed that he had always lived here and quickly found himself back where he pressumed his home was, the orphanage.

He put it together that his parents must have not wanted him and just left him. Ever since then he had wanted to prove the system wrong, abandoned kids could make a life for themselves.

"Dipper"

He jumped upon hearing that. 

It seemed to trigger something, he turned to see tailia shaking his shoulder- stupid birthmark gave him that nickname

"We're gonna go get some ice cream, fancy it"

He had to shake his head at that, he never was a fan of ice cream or stuff like that, it was a wonder whenever the two could actually convince the boy to get ice cream or something like that.

"Well guess we'll see you at school tommrow"

And with that he found himself alone again, oh well gave him time to find some tree and read against for an hour or two. He had a favourite spot near the park where children liked to play, the sun was blocked by all of the leaves on the trees so he wouldn't get sun burnt whilst trying to read.

Once at his regular spot he opened the book up finding a bookmark already in- he wasn't the nosy sort of person normally but today he seemed to be playing the role of the cat and peaked at the page

Triangular theroy- with an awful bright yellow highlighter.

Lovely

He looked at the triangle again and could swear he saw an eye.

With that images of some werid floating triangle flashed before his eyes with the same phrase repeating in his ear- trust no one.

Who, who couldn't be trusted and why did he feel like he knew that voice, it was grating and seemed to go right through him

He rembered standing in the mirror looking at himself in some sort of black suit, something like a preist would wear and his eyes were yellow, glowing almost.

He jumped back putting the book on the floor- he was not going crazy, maybe he had just not had the right amount of sleep for the past few nights. The mind starts to play tricks on someone when they have a lack of sleep - he just couldn't quite remember how much sleep it was until that started to happen.

It was like 5 days without sleep that it started right?

Ok, maybe he was going crazy.

But why did it have to start now.

He looked up and saw a teenager girl watching him- he hair was bleached completely white and down, almost reached the end of her back it seemed in that braid. She looked to be wearing a black vest with a matching pair of jeans.

She wasn't wearing shoes though, from here it looked like her eyes were blood red as she glared at him. He couldn't seem to move any part of his body whilst looking at her

Pinetree

"Bill" he jumped looking around him before looking down at his arms where glowing yellow marks were making themselves apparent

At the base of his hands were weird looking pinetree markings

Pinetree... pinetree, he had herd that before from someone

pine...pines

Who was bill?

Wait that was a dumb question- bill was that stupid triangle who he had let take over his body.... Wait why was here and not back in

"Gravity falls, why am i here, i shouldnt be here" He said to himself realising something had happened to his memories... his last name wasn't wood it was pines... dipper pines and he had a sister, a twin sister. A twin sister who he had left in a town that was being taken over by the undead blood suckers

He looked up at the girl again, no question about it that girl was a vampire, by the looks of her a newly turned one too though that didn't explain the bleach white hair.

He stood up, leaving the book and walked towards her- he didn't pay his glowing arms much mind at this moment he could figure that out later. He put his hand out towards her "Are you ok" 

She looked at his arms before looking up at her, she seemed affraid but that quickly shifted into something else. She smirked at him

"Gideon has mabel, and he's going to have fun draining away whatever life she has left....He's coming for you next pinetree" She cackled at the end of her sentace before stepping out into the sun- she seemed to glow for a second before bursting into flames- near the end she realised what was happening and started screaming for her life.... No one turned around

Compulsion- that was something he had read that vampires were able to do but never on this mass scale.

He shook his head looking down at his arms where the glow was gone but the marks were still their, they had turned a pink colour like they had been burnt into his skin

Mabel

She wasn't safe alone.

He looked around the park before using his phone to look up direction, texting some sort of excuse to tailia and leaving .... Back towards what was once his home

It was going to be a few days before he finally got to gravity falls

<p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>

The vampire had mabel pinned up against the wall, one arm against her neck whilst being stood on her feet, the other hand keeping her arms above her head. Her fangs were out in some sort of twisted smile whilst looking at her like she was about to bite mabel and take away her life

She wouldn't though

Gideon would have resevered that just for himself

Greedy pig

"I will never understand why you won't just let him turn you," She said pushing further with her arm which contricted mabels airways "You could stay this beautiful for eternity and be so powerful that no one would ever mess you, never look at you wrong again"

Mabel struggled against her grip managing to slip one of her arms free from the things grip

She was not a woman, she gave that up when she allowed herself to be bitten.Amelie reacted by pushing her body right up against mabels which kept her arm completely in place</p>

"This heartless" She chocked out before angrily gritting her teeth together and glaring at amelie as she started to struggle again- she was going to be lucky to get out of this one, without the bruising. Amelie returned the look to mabel, the look was full of an intent to kill.Her nails dug into mabels arm scratching through a few layers of her skin which made blood run down her arm. It dripped down onto mabels face, running down her nose and lips.

Amelie restrained herself somehow, Mabel knew Gideon had use for the girl,a blood bank that he could have completely to himself- to be compelled to do what ever wanted

"Who has time to feel emotions" she answered practically growling at her, she never broke eye contact from her as mabel managed to move her arms enough to loosen her knife strap. She gripped onto the handle

She had to play the waiting game

"Emotions mean your human l" Mabel answered gripping tightly onto her knife ready to swipe it, possibly in the girls face.

No she needed to get the chest

"I said bye bye to being human a long time ago" She smirked moving her body away from mabel

Nows the time

Mabel's actions were swift, she plunged the knife into the vampires chest. She screamed stepping back before falling to the floor where she revived in circles attempting to get the knife out of her chest, her skin started to turn grey and cake over itself.</p>

<p>Mabel stood over her and watched as her eyes turned a blue colour rather than the red colour she had always known them to be, her hair returned to some sort of blonde colour

Mabel looked down at her before pulling out her own knife and picking up something blunt to put into her chest. She moved it around a little bit attempting to make the hole in her chest bigger

She couldn't chance it

She stopped when she was sure it was safe, she put her knife back into the strap, picked up her bag and walked out- hoping to return to the safety of the mystery shack.

<p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>

Gideon closed the door to his study before turning to look at the man wearing a black pair of trousers and a shirt with a pastel yellow waist coat.His back was to gideon "You remember the deal, I get those pines twins- drained of blood. You can do the draining of who ever you like" He turned around to look at gideon, one of his eyes was covered by an eyepatch while his other eye was glowing yellow "And i will reward you by making all the huamans bow down to you"<

Gideon nods at him "I already have all of the other pillars in serperation being worked away at- wendy, mabel and dipper are loose ends" The man nods before looking at gideon

He was the only one of the pillars that had been drained centuries ago, he was the one to set off this- he made the deal

"Good"

Bill turned around to look at the ruins of the town that had once been the central place of weirdness "One more thing, i'll be taking mabel once she's a floating soul"

Gideon didn't fight it- his life could easily be taken away for refusing.

<p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p>

[mysticalstardust]

You

Im honestly really glad you've moved on and I had hoped that me not being your friend helped make things easier for you because thats the reason why i said we shouldnt be.

I usually put so much thought into what i want to say to you because thanks to my anxiety i completely forget everything everytime i see you. Hell, there were times i had shit memorised.

I'm not going to say im sorry anymore because that won't change anything but I do understand that it is my fault and I know I did pushed you away partly because i'm really immature.

I did like talking to you. I genuinely did enjoy your company. You paid attention to me and you made me feel special and I'm not used to that. I've never had anyone actively pursue me like that. It all came as a shock to me. I didnt know what I was feeling yet, my emotions were all over the place but you did, so you were really fast. You didnt give me the time and space I needed but thats okay. Maybe it just shows how we were not suited for each other.

I lied when I said I didnt want to be your friend anymore because I knew at the time you liked me and I really want didn't want you to have to look or talk to me because I wanted it to be easier for you to move on.

I lied when I said you werent bothering me when you asked because at that time, I did feel like you were but I didn't have the heart to tell you that because I didn't want to hurt your feelings and I was scared you would've stopped talking to me altogether but in the end I made things even worse. You were everywhere and I have to admit, I was getting suffocated by all that. It felt like you were going extremely out of your way to see me. You shouldn't have to go to extremes for any girl, especially me.

Those times you thought I was flirting with you, I was. I did keep the flowers, because you gave them to me. Only when they started to mold did i throw them out.

I think about you a lot more than I would like. Im not sure if it's because I just feel guilty or because i actually miss having you around but I deserve it because i was a total bitch to you.

Ultimately, I hated how things went down. I got mad at the end of it and I was a tota bitch. rightfully so, you got mad too. I tend to pick fights for no reason.

I want you to know that you do mean something to me. I told people I'm close to about you.

I know I'm no saint in this but you played quite the role as well. There were times you talked shit about me to a lot of people. I've struggled with self-image issues throughout my life and as a side effect, I tend to enjoy staying under the radar but thanks to you, I wasn't. It was as if everyone saw my dirty laundry. I felt so bare and exposed. You had no right to do that.

A question I think i'll always have is why were you so into me. The whole thing seemed to greatly affect you. You barely knew me. It didnt feel fair for you to be so broken up about it. You told me you heard people say I lead people on but you didn't believe them. I guess you should have. I'm a terrible person. Im nowhere as nice as you thought i was. Im glad you were able to eventually see that so you can hate me. You deserve to hate me.

As irrelevant this might be, I want you to know I'm not mad for how you acted because I my reactions was what set everything in stone. You were at an intensity I could not beginto comprehend.

I think back to the things I've said and I have come to the conclusion that i was not thinking about your feelings after all. In my persuit of being 'nice', I became rude and immature.

I guess suppose that is another reason why I chose to no longer be your friend. I treated you so terribly that if we had stayed friends, I not have been able to look at you without remembering how terrible I was to you and that's really selfish of me, i know.

Putting everything into words helped me release a lot of pent up feelings and put things in a perspective. I had this written out almost half a year ago but now just seems like the right time to post it here. At the end of the day, we are both at fault and maybe in this lifetime, we are only to teach each other a lesson. Why else has destiny allowed us to meet?

~ Mar 4, 2018

[spearxwind]

oh my god its time for another Very Angry Rant Post™ 

im so fucking tired of people copying me, and taking inspiration from me. and thats a lot coming from someone who actually enjoys inspiring other people

but when i say ‘i like to inspire people’ i dont fucking mean ‘do literally the same thing i did’

its cool that i can make some of yall realize that yeah, there’s more ideas and such you shouldnt be afraid to explore or things you shouldn’t feel like are “too cringey™” to try and attempt. but when i think about inspiration i think maybe I’ll just give you the tools to make your own concepts and your own stuff, not do what i did. wether its an intentional carbon copy or just taking my concept and making it your own version of it

like... i know that i literally dont use any unique™ new concepts, all that i do is just above mediocre ideas that have been used a thousand times but for whatever fucking reason everyone always thinks its a good idea to follow my path  - i make a sona thats half dragon with an accent color? cool, 5 people realize they can do dragon/hybrid sonas - i make edgy ocs? cool, people realize they can make edgy ocs - i make an edge sona? cool, 2 immediate carbon copies and 5 other edge-sonas  - i redesign an oc into a robot? cool, guess we’ll all do fucking robots now.  - i make bug ocs, after seeing a grand total of 0 ever? 600 people send me theirs that they made, in mine’s image or inspired by them. im a bit to blame on this last one but like... cmon. some of yall really also grabbing the ‘edgy snail’ concept too? seriously? 

it doesnt happen with my human ocs of course, because humans are boring right? ya’ll just jump on everything else and I’m sick of it. I don’t even come up with that many new ocs or concepts anymore and yet every time i post something new there’s always someone there ready to take it. 

its unfair, because i do encourage people to do what they want and try to do things outside of what theyd usually consider, and that has consequences. i dont regret inspiring people, it’s what im here for but i do feel bad about no longer being able to have anything remotely unique bc as soon as i try to come up with something different theres a group of people going ah, i can do this too! 

How long until this gets even more out of hand. How much until I’m allowed to feel stolen from. 

[goddamnmuses-a]

Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Alright so I did this for Episode I which you can find here and then Episode II which you can find here and then Episode III which you can find here. So here’s my weird live reaction/note taking/whatever this is.. to Episode lV.

I remember this being my favourite of the original trilogy because it sets everything up and basically kick started everything but lets see if that changes when i’ve finally got through all of these. 

Also I’m just watching whatever version i can find online because I can’t be bothered to go and find my dvd of it so yeah.. whether we get weird updated version or original effects or whatever, who knows. 

All the old effects like how C3p0 looks and r2d2 are impressive. 

There wasn’t really anything in the opening crawl i felt like commenting on, no big THEY DID THAT IN THE OPENING? but i guess it’s the first one that came out so that makes sense. 

WTF did the stormtroopers use to get that door open, that was so explosive wtf.

Also the blasters are like set to 10000 and smoke is everywhere. 

How did nobody shoot the dorids?

Yooo little Ani nice suit my dude. 

Hold on, she sent a msg with r2 to go to Obiwan which for 1 howd she know he’s alive? I’m gonna presume her dad said or something and 2.. ..why not just.. go yourself? 

So when they’re set to stun a Stormtrooper can shoot someone no problem

Also we dont get enough stun weird circle blaster shots

Ohhhh she didnt go because the scan for lifeforms thing alright ill allow it

but my dude.. even so.. maybe just shoot it just in case? like.. droids exist and people know about them?

DARTH VADERS LITTLE HANDS ON HIPS! Omfg he’s like “God damn, this bitch again.”

This Vader is a sassy boy. 

I love this guy who works with Vader and doesnt mind chatting back to him. 

Loving the droids in the desert. 

R2 does not look like it would work in a desert. 

C3 like “He tricked me into going this way” stop being a lil bich. 

WOOTINI!

The crawler thingy is badass. 

I thought that was a magnet it was just a big sucky pipe. 

GONK

Oh yep theres the new effects. 

Droids sleep? I guess power saver mode. 

Wtf is that dome droid

Luke! Luuuuuke! Iconic 2 words there. Well reused for that episode of Rebels where Obiwan watches from a distance. 

Bocce.. what a classic language. 

OMG OWEN JUST LET HIM GO INTO TOSHE STATION TO PICK UP SOME POWER CONVERTERS JEEEEZ 

How is that “wasting time with friends” and not chores, going into town to get something sounds like a chore to me. 

Why did they get an atromech anyway? Like.. what’d they need the other droid for? 

C3 is a real bro lbh, if it wasn’t for him, R2 would be with the jawa still. 

Oooh oil bath. sexy. 

I wonder if people ship R2 and C3 because tbh it makes sense to me. 

Luke got an erection at the mention of the rebellion. 

Now it’s getting harder at that random blurry image of his sister. 

R2 is a cheeky lil shit. 

This is just some good home life shit. 

Dat soundtrack. 

You know what.. it’s a really nice home. 

Is it just me or is Owen dressed kinda Jedi-y. 

So is “Sand People” like the racist way to say “Tusken Raider”?

Obiwan, thats a ridiculous fucking noise. 

“Hello There” iconic. 

You know what the Prequels do add a lot to this. 

A young Jedi named Darth Vader.. im sorry.. thats just not a name. 

For someone who wants to get off the planet, Lukes like “Naa but i gotta get home”

Obiwan also just being like “You know what, fuck it here.. lets go.”

You know what as much of a bitch as that guy who gets force choked is, he’s a good actor. 

Also Tarkin yay. 

NOOOOO OWEN AND BERU! YOU BASTARDS!

I feel like he should have dropped to his knees or something there. 

That is a scary droid. 

Cool door close. 

Thats a weird ass CG droid with a hole in. 

None of the other storm troopers gonna wonder why Dave’s being weird? 

Wahey! Figrin Dan and the Model Nodes! Love that Jizz music. 

Who just ugs on the back of a bartenders shirt? Wtf Luke

Yo he didnt even pay for his drink, free drinks?

Who gets the death sentance in 12 systems and goes around bragging? 

The first arm cut off and theres all sortsw of blood which there shouldnt be because lightsabers cauterize the wound, tut tut. 

Gooood scene with Han and Obi, honestly i keep forgetting to comment because im just watching xD

Wahey! Greedo 

If we’re doing a han shot first thing.. Greedo shot first in this version and missed and then Han shot him but tbh i prefer the Han shot first.. makes him more interesting. 

Jabba looks smaller. 

Casual Boba Fett appearance. 

Yooo Poncho. My boy Cal approves. 

Fuck those weird long nose aliens. 

The Falcon looks so good. 

Get those poor guys by the Death Star laser a damn rail. 

We just cool with igniting the lightsaber in front of Han and Chewie? Chewie at least knows wtf it is.

Chewie is a badass. 

Let the Wookie win. 

WTF that isnt the lightspeed effect.. it’s like a weird blanket tunnel 

The fact they get onto the Death Star with no issue is kind of ridiculous. 

The motion of Darth Vader is kinda just.. not fitting right. 

Han just pat Chewie like hes a dog. Rude. 

Han just gets caught up in this without a choice rly. 

He just wants those sweet credits. 

Also Set Design on Star Wars is amazing. 

Leia just lounging all sexy like 

Also does she have a stain on her tit? .. Not that im looking >.>

The Jedi being called a religion is kinda weird but i guess accurate. 

This has to be the worst star to a friendship for all three of them. Chewie seems cool though. 

I also thought the trash compactor scene was earlier on in this movie than it is. 

Who the fucks voice was it that said “Thats your imagination” ? 

How the fuck are they standing if the water is that deep?

I liek the touch of the monster whos name im sure i learnt but forgot let go as if it knew the trash compactor was about to turn on, that implies it has a safe spot down there that it stays. 

Some of the voices sound off on this but ah well 

Hans already a little Handsy with Leia but i think Harrison Ford was sleeping with Carie at the time so like.. i get it. 

Obiwan just strolling about, as you do. 

I love just these giant pits with walkways with no rails. If I worked on the Death Star it’d be a nightmare for me to get around. 

“NO WAIT THEY’LL HEAR!” ...and they’re not gonna hear you shouting?

Stormtroopers just shooting the shit is the best. 

You know what with everyone being like “Wow that ships a shitheap.” I can understand why the prequels made their ships look nicer and newer. 

I love that shooting a door panel in star wars just makes it so the doors wont open at all, thats some good shit. 

Lukes as bad of a shot as a Stormtrooper. 

First little kissy incesty moment but hey it was on the cheek, universally thats fine but im sure at the time this was him setting up that Luke and Leia were gonna end up together, before he decided they were siblings. 

Vader just standing there, lightsaber already out like “Ahhh Mr.Kenobi I’ve been expecting you”

As lack luster as the chroeography is in this fight im kinda thinking of it as like, they’re reading each other, like Obiwan and Maul’s final fight. 

I don’t really know why Obiwan just chooses to die like that but heyo. 

Vader stomping on Obiwans clothes? Why? I guess because he gave himself to the force and thats the first time he’s seen that? 

I love the gunner seats moving around, idk why i just love it. 

Whats the point of the ear peices if they’re just gonna shout at each other. 

Not mentioned it until now but everyone says Leia wrong. 

They’re really harsh to Han tbf

This is like if you got an Uber to a place and then the Uber driver got pulled into a police station because you’re a terrorist and then you have a go at the Uber driver for wanting to leave after he’s got you out of there. 

Another kiss for Luke.. .. okay

I like how Biggs earlier scenes are deleted so when he shows up it’s just this random dude who somehow knows Luke

That air traffic control guy has no idea what hes doing, nobody is even in the air yet or moving, wait. 

Man X wings are cool, makes me think of Battlefronts VR mission thing where you get to pilot one and it’s the coolest VR thing ive done. 

For a space station the size of a moon you’d think they’d have enough fighters to just wipe out the rebels no biggy. 

ALSO if they know the rebel base is on that planet, why not just blow that planet up? 

YAY WEDGE

The targetting computer seems very invasive. 

Those turrets are useless. 

I would have rated it if they let that random dude blow up the Death Star.

Tarkins thinking face is beautiful. What a man, 

If Luke missed this shot, everyone knows he’s turned his targetting computer off, so they would be PISSED

RIP R2. 

HWHAT!? 

Woooo Mr.Solo. 

Well.. Well done Luke you killed a lot of people, some just trying to do a job and live their lives. 

Han, Leia and Luke all went off together all holding each other.. like.. Threesome? 

I’m sorry but after that, someones doing some fucking. 

Leia just giving her lovers, dont @ me, a medal. Thats why Chewie doesnt get one, he wasnt there for the orgy. 

R2 looking fresh. 

You know what, that is a good complete story that actually works on its own, i appreaciate that. 10/10. :P

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Only For A Moment (Prologue 1)

“Hi darling muffin! As you already know, I think about OFAM a lot...like ALOT. And I have a question. Bucky was obviously trailing the reader for a while before he let himself be seen/known by her. What was he possibly thinking or feeling when he first saw her? What was going through his mind during that time before he revealed himself?”

I fucking love you. Have I made that clear recently?

So. Tumblr ate @wonderlandmind4 ’s asks to me like 3 fucking times. But it may be for the best because instead of just answering you normally I’m gonna write a little prequel fic instead.

Hope this answers your question babe!

Bucky stares blankly at the ceiling of his small apartment. He can hear the traffic outside and the families in the apartments around him far better than any normal person ever could. For hours he lets those sounds wash over him, ground him, distract him from the ghosts in his head.

This was the benefit of being here rather than the farmhouse he’d stayed in for a couple of months after getting to Romania, the noise. Growing up in Brooklyn quiet was a hot commodity. Some part of him remembers seeking it out on rooftops and nighttime beach treks. Solitude away from city sounds, his parent’s arguing, his sister’s pestering. Now… he’d give anything to be annoyed by his family’s noise.

Sighing he finally sits up, leaning against the wall. He hadn’t left here in four days. The nightmares had been so bad. Flashbacks, the psychology book he read called them. Dreams so real they seeped into reality, distorted things to the point that a person couldn’t tell what was real. He was exhausted, on edge, and truly beginning to wonder why the fuck he was even trying.

Absently his fingers wander to the journal laying by the bed. That was why. He knew it in his bones. He wasn’t going to let go until he got it all back, everything they took from him, and he couldn’t go before telling Steve he was so sorry… How could he have done that-

His right fist slams into the mattress, the springs groaning in protest. This wasn’t doing him any good, hiding out in here. Being in the city was stressful sometimes but he wasn’t about to fly off the handle… he needs the distraction.

The October day is bright, a little warm even. Blue skies with perfect puffy clouds floating languidly about. It was beautiful. The perfect day to go to a park. He’d been meaning to check out Cișmigiu Gardens, so he sets off in that direction.

It’s barely noon when he gets there and seeing that it’s Thursday, the park is fairly deserted. There are enough people to serve as the distraction he needs, plus the park is beautiful, some flowers still blooming and foliage still fairly green despite fall being here.

“Alice!” Bucky spins on his heel toward the sound of the woman. She’s a few yards away running after a giggling toddler who’s heading straight for the water.

He moves to chase down the kid but a boy bolts from his sunny spot on a bench, fast, very fast. Something about the way he moves gives Bucky pause.

The toddler has a head start on everyone and is just about to the water. One pudgy leg goes to take a step into the water and by some sheer force of luck, they fall back… somewhat unnaturally, as if they were pulled. But…

The boy snatches the baby up, who immediately starts to wail, their master plan thwarted. From his place, he can just hear the boy coo to comfort the child. He must be very young, voice still soft and feminine.

Panting the mother catches up. Thanking the young man profusely. As he hands the toddler to its mother Bucky see’s his face… except… he knows this face somehow.

Suddenly he can’t breathe but he can’t look away. Despite appearances, he knows this isn’t a young man. You’re a woman… it feels like someone’s digging an icepick into the front of his brain. He grits his teeth trying to focus.

Quickly he sits on a bench, diagonal and down a bit from the one you got up from, pulling a book from his bag to hide his gawking. Thankfully you’re not paying any attention at the moment. You head back to your sunlight drenched bench.

Fuzzy images flash through his mind. You look so different, he remembers thick hair, falling loose into your face. A face that’s crying, bloody, scared… of him? Of course of him… You look just past him, he freezes, but you don’t notice him before you lay back on the bench, eyes on the blue sky.

Could you really be Hydra…? Because surely that’s why he knows you. A Hydra trainee… someone he was supposed to break…

There’s something else there though. He knows it he just can’t touch it.

For hours Bucky watches you. Strangely you don’t do much but look at your phone from time to time, drink out of your large paper coffee cup, and stare at the passing clouds, or the water or the people. Much like him, you seem to fade into the background. No one paying you any mind at all. It makes his chest tighten just a bit... the melancholy that settles around you despite the beautiful day around you.

When you finally get up he can’t help it. He has to follow. In all this time he hasn’t seen one Hydra agent, not one face he recognizes. Bucharest should be safe, it wasn’t a hub for any of Hydra’s active bases, off the radar entirely… So why…

You slip into a store and exit with a bottle of whiskey, snacks, and cigarettes. From there he tails you to a rundown block just near Lake Floreasca. It’s the first time you seem to pay attention to your surroundings before you go into a dilapidated building and don’t exit again.

That night he dreams of hitting you… with his left fist. He remembers them briefing him, he was to go until you stayed down. They preferred he didn’t kill you, too valuable, too unique for some reason. All he saw was a woman, a target… But then… He wakes up drenched in sweat, his head feeling like it’s going to crack open.

Bucky spends the next eight days following you. He knows he shouldn’t. A part of him thinks you could be a threat, an agent sent here to flush him out, bring him in… his gut says something else… even though he doesn’t know exactly what that something else is.

What he does know is that an active agent or asset usually eats regularly, something you don’t do. They don’t go out for multiple coffees, chain smoke, and go through handles of liquor a day… No, his gut says you’re not an active agent at all… You look like someone who’s hurting and lost… just like him.

It’s stupid. He knows it’s stupid. If you are someone he hurt you won’t have any interest in speaking to him, why would you? But there’s that little nagging thing he can’t reach. Something different… Something special… He fucking hates that he can’t get to it. And it’s that little something paired with his crushing sense of loneliness that makes him finally decide to let you see him.

The day is bright again as he waits just down the way from what appears to be where you’re living. He doesn’t even register it though. His heart is thundering in his ears, breath ragged. 

There are so many things that can go wrong here. Not least of which being that you could lead them to him… he’d rather die than go back but… he needs this. And maybe, just maybe you do too. Though he can’t allow himself to hope that he could do something, anything good for someone else. Still... 

You’re eating breakfast, that’s good, he doesn’t think you ate at all the day before. While he doesn’t want to interrupt you the busy morning street is as good a place as any for him to get in your line of sight, to see if you even know him. Strategically he stands by a newsstand just down from the Starbucks you’re in front of and waits.

To anyone else, he’s just a man looking at the paper, but his eyes are glued to you. After a few minutes, you seem to sense that you’re being observed. Maybe you do have some self-preservation skills… He feels your eyes lock on him.

It happens quickly, so quickly that no one around you catches it. But it looks almost like your table and the items on it begin to float just slightly before settling, spilling your coffee. He takes the moment of distraction to disappear, his heart threatening to beat its way out of his chest.

You knew him… That much was clear. Now he just had to find out how you fit into his story… why you’re different… whatever came after, he was ready for.

@bluegirlusa1 @l0kisbitch @tazzi-baby @disagreetoagree @woodyandbuzz20-01 @mooniightbucky @saundrasays @breezy1415 @alyssaj23 @mywinterwolf @wonderlandmind4 @fairislesheets @anamcg317 @buckaroo-barnes @jazztherebel @peachthatdrinkslemonade @regulusirius  @auskitty @babyimp1967 @katecolleen @handplucked @piensa-bonito @darkdragonphoenix @issanitydead @thestorydetective @buckysstar @wintersoldierswhore @greyeyedsmile14 @watchoutforfrostbite @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @jewelofwinter @siriuslycloudy2 @hardygal69 @marvelousmeggi

[bucky-is-a-hero-fightme]

In Your Heartbeat (16/16)

IN YOUR HEARTBEAT MASTERLIST

Pairing: Bucky/Reader, Natasha/Sister!Reader

Word Count: IT’S A LONG ONE, like 13k approx. Sorry.

Warnings: ... :) Nothing that hasn’t been common to previous parts of the story: mentions and descriptions of torture, death, and violence. And angst.

A/N: Last chapter, people! I hope you enjoy and...yeah. I’m sorry for my prolonged absence, but now I am here to stay (kinda).

Italicized bits are either (or and in some cases hehe) a memory, dream, or one of the futures the Reader sees. I tried to make it as clear as possible, if there’s something you don’t understand or seems confusing, don’t hesitate to let me know.

Taglist: @learisa @lixbean @quiessilva-meriff @miss-i-ship-it @221bbands @darkblueeyedperson @beansparker @fairislesheets @aunty-peggy @me-myself-and-i-4-the-win @checkintoreality @dontwintilligetthere @neuschwanstein

“The moment you put a gun in my hands I will shoot you, and if I can’t do that, I will shoot myself.” You snarl back, jaw clenched and fighting back impotent tears that rise in your eyes.

“We’ll see about that, girl.”

__

It’s been three weeks, and you have never stood on more unstable ground.

All you have done is train, and though Karpov holds a gun to the back of your head for most of the time, and guards follow you closely everywhere, no one has laid a hand on you.

But that’s all there has been to it, for almost three weeks. Wake up, train, report to Karpov, sleep, repeat.

Considering Hydra’s hierarchy, that you are awfully familiar with after years of running away or towards them, you cannot help but notice you are being treated not as a soldier, but as an officer. A high ranking one, at that.

Your quarters are on the farthest end of the facility, with full accommodations -aside form the comms that were ripped off the wall before you were brought in- and your bed is as soft as that in the compound.

There’s agents around you at all times, yes, but they are respectful and almost…fearful towards you. When soldiers are sent to train with you, training is all there is to it, no unnecessary brutality, no cruelty.

Despite your efforts to run away, despite the agents you have killed in the multiple attempts to get out; Karpov has remained patient, his men obedient and you…you are left terrified.

Karpov has managed to get you on a tight leash, without even lifting a finger.

You have tried escaping, of course you have.

You disarm the Colonel as he approaches, raising the gun to his head and smiling in triumph.

“I told you that you shouldn’t leave me near a gun.”

“Go ahead, shoot me. But do one thing for me first, see what you can see happening afterwards,” His voice is calm, too calm even, as he nods your way, “Use your powers, Y/N.”

You do, and the rush of images of blood and screams following Karpov’s death fill your mind, countless soldiers dead at your feet but never enough, your body being forced down and the sound of that damned machine that still stands in the middle of the containment area of the facility starting up fills your ears.

You drop the gun, but keep your eyes on Karpov, waiting for his move.

“I will not become your weapon.” You snarl as the guards ready themselves to escort you to your quarters. The Colonel merely smiles, with a confident and mocking smirk you know too well.

Too many times to count you have tried.

The sound of the knife swiftly leaving the holster wakes up the Colonel, and you hold back a smile as you watch the middle-aged man rise in bed.

You say nothing as you approach, knife in hand and aimed at his throat.

His big hand traps your forearm before you can do so, and Karpov brings his face close to your own.

“You will not. You are too good.”

“Oh, fuck you.” You spit back, adjusting your grip on the handle to strike, but you feel a thread strengthening suddenly, and reach for your energy to see what will happen.

You see yourself running away from the facility, quickly taking over a snow truck and reaching Kiev in a matter of days.

You see your eyes watching in horror at the screens on a train station: Black Widow, original member of the Avengers, rumored to have been sniped and killed while in Stark tower. Tony Stark imp-…

An enraged scream leaves your throat at the way Karpov has outplayed you again, and let go of the knife, but not before piercing his clavicle with it, embedding him on the bed.

And too many times you have failed.

So silent you remain, and you take on the training sessions, and you report your progress to the Colonel each night before going to sleep. And you go to your bed, close your eyes, wait for the facility to fall asleep, and sneak out.

You have studied the Winter Soldier book Karpov kept close to his heart for all these years. You have learnt about the practices in the facility more acutely in these last weeks than in over a year of researching Hydra’s Ghost.

The files on Project Cataclysm are impressive in on themselves too, although the development of the serum and its applications were merely Hydra stumbling in the dark, so no important data was found in the old files within Siberia’s underground base.

You have ten words memorized in your head, a dozen others meant for emergency reactions safe within your memory. You know Karpov will not meddle with it. Your memory, you mean. He has told you time and time again that he wants an agent, a voluntary one, not another Asset. Assets fall from grace, break programming, but someone loyal to the mission, even if not its ideals? They will handle Hydra the world once again.

Still, you know what this man is capable of, experienced it through the eyes of your soulmate one too many times; and you know that despite his claims to want you to be compliant by choice, there’s nothing stopping him from punishing you for your attempts on his life, or the lives of the agents you have cost him.

Yet, he doesn’t much as raise his voice at you. It scares you, and not because you fear Karpov himself, but because you know whatever makes him fear the repercussions of harm falling unto you is something out of nightmares.

A sharp pain spreads through your side when one of the soldiers tries bringing you back out of your thoughts and into the sparring session. You unsheathe a knife and throw it his way, letting it find a home in his thigh before he can even correct his stance.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“We are supposed to spar.” He growls out, taking out the bloodied knife and throwing it somewhere behind him. Your lips twist into a snarl as you approach him, already playing with another throwing knife between your fingers.

“Wanna spar? I bet you make a great bullseye.” You tease, easy smile on your lips as you see the man’s eyes fill with fear.

There’s a second too long, even as you back down and drop the act that has become too much like your own skin in these last weeks, where you see in him the fear that you will slice his throat open in the middle of the training ground.

His fear unsettles you much less than it should. But you try not to linger on it, Karpov’s guards are here, with their gazes set on you. A slip and he will know you are crumbling, and he can’t. Your only advantage over him is that you refuse to agree to his terms, bow down to his demands. You cannot allow him the satisfaction of seeing the monster take over the girl.

At least not until the time is right.

Your powers have been strengthened more than you thought possible, the futures you can see now, although maybe a little blurrier and more uncertain, go into the farther future. And you have felt, in snippets, broken edges that are slowly being pieced together, the way Siberia’s cold will graze your arms as you walk out free. That is enough to make you wait, to make you plan and weight the choices before jumping into battle.

That, and Karpov’s thinly veiled threats to your sister and your soulmate. He knows what he is doing, even if some sick part of him is still out for blood when it comes to you and Bucky for what you did decades ago, even if he still wants the Soldat at his feet.

So you grit your teeth and go through the motions, waiting for the crack in the Colonel’s armor, waiting for the day you can finally see his eyes dim with the just and unescapable touch of Death.

The man in question sits in front of you in his office, datapad on his hand as he scrolls through some file.

“Have your powers improved in any way?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Try seeing what I will do next, girl. And then ponder about lying to me again.”

You narrow your eyes with a scoff, but do it anyways, reaching for his energy and trying to feel the tangled tendrils of his intentions.

You are brought to the upper levels of the facility. The hissing sound of a cryo chamber opening scratching your ears.

They drag a blonde woman out. She is quickly restrained, but a few barked words in Russian make her stop trying to get free, make her eyes stop bubbling with that animal rage.

Her eyes set on you for a second, and she smiled, a terrifying turn of her lips as they twist on a silent growl rather than a smile, the same edge of Kseniya’s unhinged certainty shining in her clear eyes as she regards you.

“Она мягкая. И испугался. (She is soft. And scared.)” The woman sneers, but Karpov is quick to stop her on her tracks.

“Она также защищена.” (Protected too.)

“Но я хочу играть” (But I want to play.)

You blink past the images in your head, and stare at the Colonel with wide eyes.

“Are you putting me up against a Winter Soldier!?”

Karpov smiles, leaning back and regarding you with the rejoiced expression of someone with a winning hand.

“No. I’m sending her to New York.”

Live footage, right from the Soldier’s attached camera, shows her way into the compound, sneaking right into the heart of the facility. You are forced to stay still on the chair where they put you, watching with fearful eyes as the Russian Winter Soldier enters the compound.

Quickly placed bombs, set to detonate on her mark. She continues stalking the corridors. Wanda’s room is not even opened as the blonde shoots through the door and ends the Sokovian.

You choke down a sob, but tears are streaming down your eyes as you watch.

An alarm. Four soldiers standing in front of her. The recognition in Bucky’s eyes. The fear in Natalia’s.

Vibranium knife lodges right in the place where skin meets metal on Bucky’s arm. Before the blonde can move in for the kill, a redhead moves in, gun in hand and shield in the other.

“Where is my sister?”

“мертвый”

It is enough to stagger the Widow, the Soldier’s knife going right through her chest. Natalia’s mouth opens with a scream, but blood dribbling down her parted lips quickly quietens her voice.

The sound of your own gasping breaths brings you out of the future your powers provide, tears brimming in your eyes as you face Karpov with a mix of rage and pain.

“Now, tell me about your new limits in your powers, Y/N.” He states, cold and professional demeanor as he regards you with a glint of triumph in his tired and dead eyes.

You do, through gritted teeth and with bare minimum details, eyes defiant on his. When the Colonel motions for you to leave, you lean on his desk, towering over his sitting form.

“I will kill you at the end, you know it, right?”

“Have you seen it?” He teases, easy smile on his lips that makes bile churn your stomach.

“I don’t need to.”

He chuckles, as if dealing with a child, and motions for you to be escorted out of his office.

____

On these last few weeks, Karpov has pushed you to try to find a link, a trace of the energy you follow to find the possible futures pertaining to one person, in objects of emotional significance to them, one way or another.

It has worked. And the Colonel is disgustingly happy with the achievement.

He makes you try and see the futures of old agents, sometimes runaway ones. The notes taken on your reports are vast and quick, but they are never shown to you.

And this blinding success is what allows you to breach into the network of one of the mining facilities Karpov takes you to, being the dog at his side as he monitors the situation.

The Doctor is focused on the results in your recent exams, reading over and over the words in your reports over your powers and their use, when you are cleaning their trace in the net. Leaving what you hope Natalia finds, the perfect absence you left behind when you wanted your sister, but no one else, to find you.

You clench your jaw and squeeze your eyes shut at night, hoping to whatever is willing to listen that they can find you. You can only hope, and you fear the destruction that terrible and dangerous hope can leave behind.

___

It comes a day when you fear they will not find you, that the message was not enough and they will not find the trace back to you. They do. But it is already too late.

Karpov is tipped off by one of his men that Captain America is incoming. Only a slight nod is all the answer the Colonel gives, before he is left alone with you, and turns slowly to you.

You try telling yourself it is not fear what runs through your veins the moment you stand face to face with the bloodthirsty Colonel you remember almost killing when you were young. You try telling yourself it’s adrenaline, excitement…but there’s no hiding the trembling in your hands, the erratic beat of your heart when the familiar sounds of fighting approach the facility and Karpov stands silently before you, dead grey eyes on yours.

“You made a mistake, girl.”

A smile is all you give in return, before reaching for the knife at your back and rising your arm in defense.

“Don’t come any closer.” You warn, backing towards the door. The Colonel smiles, a frightening, sinister smile.

“Scared?”

Before long, you move to strike before he can decide to. Going for a clean cut in his torso, which he quickly deflects, you lose your balance for a second.

Hand grabs your arm, twisting the wrist and having the knife fall from your grasp.

You move your wrist out of his reach, but his hand never moves to grab it. Instead, long fingers wrap around your throat, lifting you up.

The knife changes hands, and you reach up with your left hand, slicing the inside of his elbow, forcing a grunt out of his lips and setting you free.

The bloodloss makes him dizzy, the uninjured arm tries swinging your way, but fails.

Predicting his clumsy moves, you try bolting for the door, hoping the team outside has any sort of long-range support to cover you once you are out.

But Karpov’s heavy boot lands painfully on your calves, forcing your knees to buckle, but before you can fall to the ground, the Colonel pins you to the wall, his forearm pressed roughly against your back and breath rough on your ear when he growls,

“Too slow, girl.”

Despite the pain on your head from where it hit the wall, the way your body still sings with a mixture of fear and the relief of finally facing off the monster under your bed; you keep your jaw set tight and your eyes dry when you are forced to turn and watch Karpov in the eye.

Moving up your arm before he can completely immobilize you, you press the blade to your throat.

And as expected, the man lets you go.

“I know your weakness, Karpov,” You purr, turning around and forcing blood to drip from the small cut you trace on your skin, all the while ignoring the sharp sting of it. The man’s eyes are focused on it, prompting your smile to turn a little less false, a lot more cold. “You have played all your cards.

You walk slowly away from him, circling him as he gauges your stance, your expression, trying to predict you. Like one predator against another, you stand still, the knife against your throat still, his eyes distrusting and almost fearful too.

“Your weakness, it’s a thing as human as fear. It’s the natural fear, the one that you can’t shake off, the one that haunts you no matter what you do to avoid it…that’s the fear that will burn you down, Colonel,” You watch his hands clench, his eyes travel to the door behind you separating you from freedom and the chaos of battle, when you tighten your grip on the knife, and force more blood down your throat. “And you fear what is away from your reach, what you can’t predict, what lies beyond your control.”

“I control you, girl.”

But you shake your head, a mix of joy and cold satisfaction running through you like an electrical current. You just have to buy yourself time before Natalia, judging by the light and precise steps approaching the hallway, finds you.

“You said it yourself, Karpov. You know better than to mess with a soulbond,” The smile in your lips widens, “Prove me wrong, let me bleed, let me hurt. Let me be in so much pain that I turn to Hydra for reprieve.

You cock your head to the side, the sting of the blade on your neck nothing compared to the great feeling of victory settling over you.

“You won’t, will you? Because you have tried the same before. Burning me out of existence. I remember,” There’s a moment when you think the Colonel will interrupt you, speak up. But he doesn’t, so you continue, “You won’t touch a hair on my head and I know why, Colonel. You don’t fear me, you don’t even fear Bucky, or my sister. You fear what happens when he feels me in the other end of the bond, suffering. You fear what happens when Natalia is out for blood. You fear what I will do with you once I know they are out of your reach. You fear us.

Although there’s a strong pull to reach for the strengthening bind to the future, you ignore it for the time being, being sure to put on a mocking smile on your face when you state,

“Like I said. You fear what you can’t control.”

You feel your heartbeat settle in your chest with painful beats, the name-less tune forced and struggling as you stumble back, your powers taking over your senses.

There’s a strange pull taking your focus away from the fight out of the facility holding your sister’s hand on one of your own and skillfully maneuvering your gun with the other.

You try shaking your head, getting rid of it, but a bullet flying past your head from a place at your back has both you and Natalia tumbling forward to cover, and when you turn around you feel your heart stop.

It’s stupid, it’s reckless. God, you know it is.

But there’s still hope clinging to your words, like the blood tainting your lips, dripping slowly into your voice.

“Bucky?”

The Winter Soldier moves in for the attack, not even waiting for you or your sister to move. Natalia pushes you away from the blunt of the hit from his metal arm, your back hitting a wall as you watch with wide eyes as Natalia is hit square in her chest, falling to the floor and crawling away from the advancing soldier like a scared child trying to find refuge in her parents’ arms.

“Sestra!” You scream, the word torn off your throat in a desperate attempt to make the world stop spinning, to make time freeze for just one instant, to make the mistresses of fate realized they have punished them enough.

A moment of hesitation, a breath caught in your throat.

Bucky turns to you, and you see some flicker of recognition flash behind the Soldat’s cold gaze.

The sound of the gunshot is something that your soul knows somehow, you will never forget.

When Bucky falls, there’s tears in your sister’s eyes, and a smoking handgun on her trembling, guilty hands.

You try warning Natalia, you try reaching out and doing something to save either of them, but your eyes fall closed, your body tumbling down, before you can even utter a sound.

__

Kseniya chases you through the streets, agile legs carrying her over the roofs as she catches up to you. Letting herself fall down right in front of you, although a few feet away, the blonde points her gun at you, dead eyes set on yours, and you do the same thing.

“You want me alive,” You state, praying she doesn’t hear the tremor in your voice. “I won’t let you take me.”

“I can make you,” She smirks, pretending to advance, and managing to set you even more on edge as you try to keep an eye on both her and the threads referring to each possible future.

You take a step back, “You can’t. What do you want me for?”

“You are needed, girl. The miracles failed, is time to go back to good ol’ weapons.” She sing-songs, making the hairs at the back of your neck stand up. In what seems like a puff of smoke, she is standing right in front of you.

You shoot. One, two times.

But the bullets go through her like she is made of mist.

“What…?”

She smirks your way, taking out a picture from your backpack and pretending to study it. You can only stare at her with wide eyes.

“Nice picture, dolly,” She lifts her eyes to yours, and only then you notice the way some sort of dark mist is swimming inside of them, like the red you saw in the new girl in the Avengers group. She presses her palm to your chest, over your heart, and leaves the picture pressed against your jacket. “Better give it back to its owner, pretty thing. It’s never too late, is it?”

“Kseniya?” You whisper. She looks at you, now her clear eyes shining with unsheded tears, her mouth trembling. Her expression is that of the broken girl that killed her soulmate and begged a stranger with whom she shared a distant past for forgiveness.

But there’s a strange fierceness in it too, a flame trying to ignite a fire past Hydra’s ice.

“It’s not too late,” She whispers, the distinct sound of crackling fire reaching your ears. “You had to take my place to set me free. But there’s still time.”

“Time?” You ask, watching numbly as flames engulf her form, her hand still stubbornly pressing the picture into your heart.

Her silver eyes set on you, a broken relief flooding them, and she falls down at your feet. The flames die surrounding her, a last rite to another victim of Siberia’s cold, and what is left is a girl with a bullet on her head, lying dead on the ground, somewhere on a lost island in the Indian Ocean.

You look down at your hand, the picture now in your hand as you press it into your heart, trying to somehow keep it safe.

The face of the past looks right back at you, and the words embedded in the back swim in your head.

“Bucky. Bucky. Don’t forget that. Count the beats, don’t forget that. Bucky.” You whisper.

You smell the clean and spiked scent of a hospital room before you even open your eyes. Your first thought is whether or not the team made it out of the facility you sent them to, if they found anything to lead them to you, and how to erase the trail before Karpov can do something worse than death upon any of you.

A doctor greets you with a tight smile and fearful eyes, prompting you to get up and walk a few steps, checking your blood pressure and letting the small clip still be attached to your finger, so you can heart the maddening beat of your heartbeat, driving you crazy.

The incident in the facility replays in your brain like a broken record.

Karpov worked around my ability to predict him.

When you ask the doctor what was the reason you collapsed, she states something about low blood sugar and the air pressure in the mining facility before giving you your new schedule and escorting back to bed.

You are set to train almost twice as many hours as before, with so many of the time invested in training being focused on your abilities instead of your combat techniques. You say nothing when she asks if you have any questions, but there’s a part of you that cannot help but notice you have been liberated of reporting to Karpov each night.

The doctor leaves, promising you that you will be ‘home’ soon, and it is only then that you realize you are in a vehicle. When you open your eyes again, you notice you still are in one of Hydra’s underground trains, you can tell by the damp smell that still clouds the wagon. There’s a presence next to you, but you refuse to acknowledge him.

“What is it going to take for you to accept it?”

“That I’m not getting out? Death, Karpov.” You answer back, eyes still on the black nothingness of the tunnel as it flies past your widow.

“That you may get out if you do as you are told.”

The resilient silver of childish hope rises within you, but you are quick to tame it with the reality of who you are dealing with.

“How many people have you asked for their souls in exchange for freedom, Colonel?”

“Not many that could pay up for said freedom,” You turn to him, not saying anything, but the interest subtly shown in your moves. The man is dressed in civilian, although almost formal clothing, his hands folded in his lap and eyes set on the front of the empty wagon as he continues, “I want you to find a former agent. Rumlow, Brock Rumlow. He has gone haywire, and I fear he will…tamper our name.”

“You want him dead.”

“I’m not sending you into the field.”

“Smart.” You admit, wry smile twisting your lips.

“I want him found and tracked, girl. You will see it is easier if you comply.”

The word in itself makes bile rise in your throat, acid churn in your stomach. Karpov stands up, straightening his clothes before setting off to walk out of the wagon, but not before stating,

“And no tricks, girl. I get word you are bringing them to us, and I won’t stop them, I won’t escape. I’m going to have the Soldat rip them apart as you watch. And then put a bullet in his brain. If I’m merciful.”

You don’t say anything, clenching your jaw and looking ahead as the man leaves with measured and heavy steps. Helplessness and fear battle within you, making your hands shake and lip quiver stupidly.

But you push past it, you try seeing the light at the end, the possibility of maybe freedom. You don’t think you can live on without that stupid hope.

And you are not counting on Karpov for your freedom, oh no. You are counting ghosts.

While searching for Rumlow, you sneak in small pieces of data on Kseniya, her work with Karpov and the events that led to her awakening by the Colonel more than a year ago to find you.

You study what you remember of the girl, her words, her actions.

You study what it takes to make someone kill their own soulmate. You study what they did to her, what left no marks but made her so pliable to Hydra’s whims.

You study what is so important they want out of you.

You study what will make you their soldier.

There’s countless files on the Winter Soldier Program scattered through your room, pages upon pages on Hydra’s insight on their perfect weapon.

You study what Bucky told you of his time as the Soldier. The training, the mind tricks, the lies.

You study the techniques they used to control him, their plans for his future. You study their intent to conjoint Hydra’s most powerful sources when they sent him to the Red Room, the project your death inadvertently stopped.

You study what they wanted to make out of the girls in the Red Room. The children in Project Cataclysm.

You study what they wanted, and want still, to make out of you.

____

It is somewhere in the middle of the night, almost a week after the incident in the mining facility, and you still haven’t seen Karpov. You haven’t reported to him, interacted with him.

All you do is train. Train and track Brock Rumlow in his mad path through Europe.

And research what the girl Karpov woke up, the girl that killed her own soulmate, wanted out of you.

You hold a picture, almost as old as the one Bucky has of you, of Kseniya Nikolaev. Third child of a family of five, taken at the age of sixteen and turned into an experiment by Hydra. Her soulmate was Adriana Donati, dead at the age of twenty one, sniped while she was assisting refuge efforts in northern Italy after an earthquake.

She smirks your way, taking out a picture from your backpack and pretending to study it. You can only stare at her with wide eyes.

“Nice picture, dolly,” She lifts her eyes to yours, and only then you notice the way some sort of dark mist is swimming inside of them, like the red you saw in the new girl in the Avengers group. She presses her palm to your chest, over your heart, and leaves the picture pressed against your jacket. “Better give it back to its owner, pretty thing. It’s never too late, is it?”

There’s a heavy weight in your stomach as you stare back at the face of the girl you killed without hesitation.

“Why did you drive me to him? Karpov didn’t plan on either of us killing each other, he said it himself.”

“I’m not here to be your enemy, I’m here to offer you an out.”

“You know the kind of information I’ve got. If I have the names of the highest ranking officers, you know I know every dirty trick in the book that can ruin your sister’s and the Soldat’s lives. I want something simple and easy. My silence, in exchange for your abilities.”

“It is better if you just come home, and we both know it. I’m not calling yet, but I want you to know I have the advantage, always will.”

Understanding falls on you with the rush and electricity of a free fall from the tallest height, the vertigo rushing through you and forcing a gasp out of your throat.

“You were stalling. All this time, you were buying time,” You shrug off the pull of sleep and exhaustion, standing up from your position on the floor and walking towards her file. “Why?”

Kseniya’s heartbeat rhythm stares back at you, and a conversation with Bucky you two had while somewhere in northern Romania is brought to the front of your mind.

“Karpov didn’t want you to remember me. If my sister hadn’t changed my name, he would’ve killed me.” You start, eyes on one of the specks of cinnamon floating in your swirling coffee cup.

“Why wouldn’t he stop my heart and re-start it?” Bucky finishes for you, to which you only answer with a shrug. It still scares you a bit how easy it is for him to talk about things like these, to speak of himself as nothing more than a target, a weapon.

That is the way Hydra sees him, it frightens you how disconnected from himself he is sometimes.

“I mean, it would be the smart thing to do. Memories erased, name gone…the whole package.”

“But Hydra wasn’t the one to come up with the name erasure technique.” He argues softly, finally sitting next to you on the couch and lifting your sock-cladded legs to rest in his lap, both metal and flesh arms resting gently over your calves.

“They didn’t come up with many things they used during the years. What’s your point?”

“I don’t know. Natalia knew of the procedure by luck, and even though they planned on doing it to the Black Widows, it never pulled through.”

“But why?”

“Maybe they know more of heartbeats that we do.” This time it is his turn to shrug, prompting you to put up a fake affronted look on your face as you turn to him.

“I earned a living from heartbeats, for almost fifty years. I’m insulted, dear.”

A small smile teases at the corners of his lips, the first unburdened smile you have seen on him since you pulled the trigger on that damned facility.

“They use our beats. Not the names. The rhythm.” You pondered out loud, hands quickly reaching for the intel on Project Cataclysm.

That’s why Hydra didn’t go through with their erasure of the girl’s heartbeats on the Red Room. That’s why so many kids died on the facility you were held on, even though the serum was easily survivable.

That’s why Kseniya killed her soulmate.

That’s why Karpov is so adamant in keeping you here, even if you cost him his men, his resources. Because they found a way to control the heartbeats.

Because there was more than the enhancement of abilities in Project Cataclysm.

Your heartrate spikes, as if your body knows the rhythm you thought a curse for so long is really so much more than that. And it wants you to listen. As your heartbeat fills your ears, resounding within your head in that nameless song, you realize something.

The picture of Kseniya still trapped within your hand, your eyes filling with tears at the realization.

That’s why you didn’t give away my heartbeat rhythm until the end. That’s why you said we would be soulmates if I killed you.

Because I would take your place. Not only your name, but your spot under the Colonel’s control.

The way Karpov always pushed you to use your powers when you were in the brink of overpowering him. The combat training without your powers he forced you to try.

The fight in the mining facility. The way your powers told you something, but he did something completely different.

“Oh, God. How much of it was real?” You whisper, trembling hand covering your mouth as the papers fall from your hands, sliding to the floor and joining countless others.

A sound coming from your -monitored- computer brings you out of your own head and, rubbing shaking fingers over your eyes to get rid of the dampness in them, you stumble to the monitor.

You are pressing the intercom button before you can think about it too much.

“Girl, I hope you have good news.”

“I found Rumlow, Colonel.” You sing back, a small smile taking over your face.

___

When the Doctor walks into the room, you are expecting her, holding to vials of liquid in one hand and the handgun in the other.

“Miss Romanova.” She greets, not even phased at the gun aimed at her head.

There’s a special kind of fear running through your veins right now. Like the fear you had the first time you left the Union when you found Natalia, like the first time you settled and made a home after your adoptive parents were killed, like the first time you looked into Bucky’s eyes. Like the first time you kissed him, like the first time you made love, like the first time you dared speak of a future so darn perfect it seemed impossible.

A special kind of fear, the kind of fear that makes you weaker, yes, but somehow more stubborn, more resilient. Maybe even braver enough to do what is needed.

“I’m gonna go on a limb and say you are not going to agree with me.”

“I might. What are you offering, Miss?” The woman replies, sitting calmly at her desk.

And suddenly you are in front of a lowlife in some unknown street of Austria, his valiant face asking something in return of his intel. And the words about the name on her heartbeat are at the tip of your tongue, but this time you do not let them out.

“What do you want, Doctor?”

“To disappear.”

You lean back, crossing your arms over your chest, but keeping your grip on the gun tight and secure.

“You will have to be more specific.”

“I read your file, Y/N. You evaded the Winter Soldier, the whole of Hydra, and even greater enemies I may not know of,” She states knowingly, hands carefully placed in the desk. But you notice the slight nervous twitching of her fingers as they are intertwined with one another. “You are good, of not the best.”

“Thank you for the compliment. Now, I would appreciate it if you made your point.”

“I made it. You went off the radar. Every radar there was. You can do so again, this time for me.”

A small laugh leaves your lips. Mocking, practiced, prodding. “You want your heartbeat off the charts.”

She nods,

“I want my life, my work, to vanish. As if it never existed.”

“Your name is in someone’s heart, though. My…disappearance was aided by the fact that no one knew my real name.”

“The heart with my name on it was stopped, a long time ago,” Before you can even ask the first question that runs through your head, the woman snaps, “No, it was never restarted.”

“Hydra?” You ask, eyes narrowed.

“The criminals I joined Hydra to kill.”

“So romantic.” You tease, cold smile still in place although the closeness to grasp your freedom, this time once and for all, makes your insides tremble.

“I read your file, Y/N,” She repeats, turning her back to you and paying attention to a heart monitor near her, and taking out some equipment and sterilizing it as she looks at you over the rim of her glasses, “Don’t pretend you didn’t dance with the Devil for your love’s soul.”

“I danced. I didn’t lay with the Devil, Doctor.” You spit back, the silent oath understood between you and the woman. I am not Hydra, so don’t equal me to you.

“Different circumstances, different results. Same intent.” The woman shrugs, making blood boil under your skin.

It is with a sigh of concession that you remain silent for a few seconds, before clicking the safety of your gun once again, rendering the gun as harmless as it can be in the hands of a woman with the lastname Romanova.

“I want your heartbeat, Doc. Your name and history would make a nice addition.”

She motions for you to hop onto the table, after musing your response and finally nodding in agreement. You are taken aback by her disposition, and suddenly you are a girl again, standing in front of a scary Doctor in a Hydra facility, not sure of what they plan on doing to you.

“Miss, please take a seat.” The man orders without even turning his head to look at you.

“Did you kill my parents?” You ask, although you know the answer. At this point, you think asking questions and reminding yourself of the life outside these horrible, dark, and damp halls is what will keep you sane.

Keep you remembering.

“We did what we had to, Miss.”

“Is my sister alright? Are you taking me to her?”

“I’m afraid not.” The doctor retorts, tone bored and unchanging as he clearly focuses his attention on the papers in front of him. The ones with your vitals on them, probably.

“The Winter Soldier, then?”

That gets him to turn around.

Harsh brown eyes study you for what feels like an eternity, and the small, stupid silver of hope within you that this was going to be over in any way soon is stumped down when the Doctor takes a few steps towards you, studying you.

“What do you know, girl?”

You remind yourself of what happened when you let others see what you feel, what you know. You remind yourself of the Colonel’s mocking laugh, of the dead soldiers at your feet, of your mother’s screams as she sees her adopted child being dragged away.

You remind yourself who you are playing with.

You remind yourself Hydra, the monster with no face, the legend of death and torture; they do not stand for threats.

Your sister, your soulmate, were proof enough that with people like these it is that survivors are broken.

So you shrug, “I heard some of the kids talking about it.”

He nods, lowering his gaze to the board in his hands. After reading in silence for a few seconds, he motions for you to sit on a scary looking chair with too much resemblance to one that has haunted your memories of nightmares not your own for too long now.

“What is that?” You ask, and the man tsks his tongue, clearly running out of patience.

“I have to get you healthy. Sit, and I will give you some fluids.”

“Why should I?” You retort, but he only sighs in response.

“You’ll find pain soon, girl. Make it easier for yourself and don’t make it start now.”

“Now?” You ask, stupidly. The woman sneers your way, the creases around her eyes deepening with the movement.

“I’m sorry. Do you have a date you don’t want to miss?”

Ignoring her, and, frankly, ignoring your own stupid question; you walk on unusually shaky legs to the table.

“Karpov will not be notified of the change.”

“Of course not.”

“The traces of the new rhythm will be destroyed, Doc,” She hesitates for a moment, clearly not expecting that demand, and a part of you rests assured that as far as you know only Karpov is aware and in power of controlling people, Cataclysm’s survivors, through their heartbeats. So, it is easier for you to add the forced lightheartedness in your tone, “And you better bring me back.”

“Don’t fret, girl. I’m not stupid enough to try to kill you. Like I said, I read your file.”

The brace-like clasp is set around your left arm, and the woman readies both the poison and the mix of adrenaline and epinephrine to bring back to life the heart the poison is set to stop.

You watch avidly the process, the way she reaches to settle a clasp around your chest. You hold her wrist tightly in your hand, and her eyes meet yours.

“You will convulse when the heart stops. I can’t have you moving.” She explains, forcing you to let go of her and fastening the clasp around your chest. You take a few deep breaths, trying to keep yourself from panicking when she reaches for your other arm, strapping you to the table and leaving you unable to move.

The Doctor asks if you are ready, an unlikely and surprising gentleness in her tone as she settles near you, ready to start the process.

“I’m ready.” You whisper, more to yourself than her. Panic claws is way through you, whispering in your ear about how she cannot be trusted, about how there’s so many things that could be wrong, about how maybe your heartbeat will stay the same after what your sister did fifty or so years ago.

But you try ignoring it.

“Okay, stopping your heart in three…”

You close your eyes and think of your sister, easy smile and a mischievous glint in her eye as she links her arm with yours, a slight bump of her hip to yours as you walk together.

“Two…”

You clench your hands into fists and think of Bucky, gentle heart and this awed and loving depth to his gaze as his arms wrap around you, his warmth spreading to you and his heart seeming to beat in sync with yours when you press your chest against his as you lean up to share a kiss.

“One.”

You feel the initial shock, the shattering feeling of your body, your whole being, shriveling up to nothing as something else takes control over it, and your mouth falls open in a scream that never leaves your lips, your skin breaks as the animal part of you tries to fight the bonds, tries to be set free to fight an even battle against the infinite and invisible curse of death.

You bite past the pain, and let yourself think of the futures you let yourselves wonder, dream, picture, in these last few months since coming back to your sister and, unknowingly, to your soulmate.

Somewhere in the States, Natalia finds a group of peace fighters and convinces you to join them on their van as they travel the country.

You cannot help but notice the way your sister’s gaze lingers on the eldest couple, Elsa and Jeremy, around their mid thirties and seven months along their first pregnancy. Natalia’s green eyes seem to be glued to the embraced couple, her lips curved in an unconscious, sad, smile as she watches Elsa run her hands over her swollen stomach.

“Think you’ll ever have that, Solnyshka?” Your sister whispers, resting her head on your shoulder as she continues to watch the scene unfold.

“Maybe,” You concede, even though you cannot imagine bringing a child to this world of chaos and death, of running and jumping at shadows. But, the image is there, the golden future with the white picket fence teases you form the distance. “What about you, Nat?”

Her smile turns bitter, and she swallows tightly before answering, “I can’t.”

“You can still be a mother, Natalia. They didn’t take that from you.”

“I’m not talking about the…the sterilization. I am not…soft, I wouldn’t-…I can’t have this.” She mutters, her silver tongue tangled in the pain and anger of a past life never hers.

You reach for her hand, squeezing softly before resting your head over her own where it still lays on your shoulder.

“Well, you better be there for the little me’s running around. They are going to need their Auntie Nat to spoil them rotten.”

She laughs, a broken but hopeful sound leaving her smiling lips. Her eyes remain in the couple, though. There’s a few moments of silence, where you reach up to not-so-subtly comb through the messy red bangs in her forehead.

“If you name the first girl after me.”

“Which of the hundreds of names, sestra?” You tease back, chuckling when she pinches your arm lightly in retaliation.

A pained sound leaves your throat, leaving behind a trail of fire and gravel. But you clench your hands into fists and focus on anything that isn’t the way your lungs aren’t filling with air anymore.

“Remember the first night you spent at the compound?” Bucky whispers, eyes closed even though his fingers trail over the bare skin of your arms and back as if trying to memorize the pattern, as if trying to commit your body to memory.

“The time I yelled at you, ran off, and then had a ‘stern Steve’ glare thrown at me?”

He laughs lightly, a silver of his bright eyes peeking through his hooded lids.

“You never told me about that.”

“About how your bestfriend is a big momma bear when it comes to you?” You tease with a smile, “Honey, I think you should be aware of that already.

A breath, and then, as the hand that is not under your head traces over his profile; you add,

“’Sides, I deserved it.”

“You had every right to react how you did. Hell, I’m still amazed you don’t hate my guts, doll.”

There’s a rue smile on your lips when you answer,

“I don’t think I ever did, honestly. I hated not remembering, I hated that…that I couldn’t recognize my past self because…” You fail to put your thoughts into words, so you sigh and try explaining it from the beginning, “The Ghost Hydra’s inner circle boasted about controlling, the one I learned and read about, he…he couldn’t be my soulmate,” There’s a very subtle wince Bucky makes at your words, only noticeable because of how close you are to him. You reach to turn his gaze back to yours before the doubt and guilt can even try to settle on his eyes; gentle fingers on his cheek as your eyes ask him to listen to you. “I couldn’t bear a world, a version of myself, where I didn’t give everything to keep you from that pain, a version of me that failed to keep the people I love safe.

 You try to keep the pain out of your voice, the creeping feeling of having failed him from taking over your heart and your voice.

“I couldn’t-…I think refusing the idea that we were soulmates helped me deal with the idea that I wasn’t…enough.”

Bucky intervenes quickly at your words, sitting up slightly and frowning your way.

“Not enough?” He repeats. Shaking his head, he looks into your eyes as he says, “Angel, you kept me…as sane as I could be. You gave me hope, babygirl. Way before I even met you.” The earnestness in his tone, the way his grey-blue eyes search yours and try to make you understand put a small, teary smile on your face.

But you still shake your head as you sit up too to be able to face him. Your eyes follow your fingers as they trace the scars over his shoulder, right where skin meets metal, where the boy that fell from the train met Hydra’s Ghost.

“I should have done more.” You insist softly.

“Y/N, listen to me,” He whispers, warm flesh and the somehow soft metal framing your face as he takes it in his hands. “I am not lying when I say you kept me alive, doll. You did all you could, and the fact that I can see you right in front of me and hold you right now is more than I ever thought I would have, even before Hydra,” He smiles softly as he rests his forehead on yours, his eyes falling closed, “You are my soulmate, Y/N.”

There’s a softness in his tone when he says it, like a secret between you two, like a treasure to be kept. A smile forms on your lips as you close your eyes as well.

“Wish I could have been there, though.”

“You were,” He insists, “Knowing that I had you, somewhere, somehow? It gave me peace, even when I was…trapped in there. Hearing you, feeling you on the other side of the bond when I thought I was going to give up gave me a reason to stay,” He states simple, not a shade of uncertainty in his voice, making your throat close and a pitiful sniffle break the silence between his words. “And…if having now you means having to survive all that? I’d take the deal a thousand times.”

You open your eyes, and you hear it, beating wildly on the machines, as if singing its own anthem of victory.

Your heartbeat. The new name it spells.

-... ..- -.-. -.- -.-- / -... .- .-. -. . ...

Bucky Barnes.

____

You bide your time, you let your body rest and heal from its second dance with death. You plan, with observing eyes and burning rage building under your skin.

On the morning Karpov sends his best men after Rumlow, you move.

Stationed in Siberia ever since your failed attempt at staging your own rescue in the mining facility, you know every nook and cranny of this god-forsaken place.

Which works in your favor when you corner Karpov in his office, a gun in your hand and once again the barrel of it pressing against his forehead.

Only this time, you don’t hesitate.

You don’t shoot, he doesn’t deserve the embrace of death yet, but you don’t hesitate either.

The last of his guards falls to the ground with a sickening sound, but you don’t give yourself time to ponder on it, already reloading the handgun and strapping it back to your thigh. Taking the semi-automatic from your back and aiming carefully as you stroll into the room, you try calming your erratically beating heart.

“Karpov!” Your voice echoes loudly in the room. “You better come out, you son of a bitch.”

No answer.

Reaching a simple desk, you let the rifle rest in your bicep, holding it with one hand as the other takes one of the files from his desk.

Y/N Romanova.

You let it fall with an angry sigh, eyes lifting to scan over the room.

“Karpov?” You try again, and at the deafening silence of your own voice echoing back at you, you close your eyes for a second. Taking a deep breath, you whisper, ignoring how your voice trembles at the name you haven’t dared pronounce in so long, “James?”

The answer is an arm firmly wrapping around your neck, trying to pull you back.

The Colonel’s hot breath traces your skin, making bile rise in your throat.

“I’m afraid he is unavailable at the moment, girl.”

The rifle in your hand is quickly discarded as you reach for the knife strapped to your thigh. Slicing swiftly over the man’s arm and ribs, you put distance between you, turning around and looking for the first time in your life into the eyes of the monster that gives a face to the horror that is Hydra for you.

There’s an edge in the Colonel’s anger, a madness lurking behind his gaze. It is enough to freeze you on the spot, sealing your voice behind tightly closed lips.

“You are the girl that took my family from me.” He states, disbelief clouding his words.

“You are the man that took everything from me!” You yell back, voice catching in anger and years old pain. The man smiles your way in response, lines around his eyes deepening, forcing you to suppress a shiver.

“Are you here to take revenge, little one?”

“I’m here to get James out.”

“You are not,” Karpov answers, smile still in place and a small shrug accompanying his words. Taken aback, you open your mouth to ask what he means, when the older man shakes his head your way, as if proving to himself -or you- how naive, how unknowing, you are. “You will fail.”

“I will not.”

“Trust me, I know you will. My family, the men and women you found on your way here; they should be dead, or worse,” He explains, walking slowly towards you even as you take out your handgun and point it at his head. “You are not fierce enough.”

A snarl twists your lips upwards as you stalk towards him, anger boiling under your skin and making your hands tremble as you press the end of the barrel on the man’s forehead.

“Where is he!?”

The smile turns predatory, haunting the part of you that still hopes for a way for this to work out, “Nowhere to be found.”

“I will kill you, I swear I’ll-” You start, despite the way your hand trembles, despite the way the Colonel looks at you like he has already won. Tears threaten to fall down your cheeks, but you clench your jaw and take the safety off.

Still, the words die in your throat, the threat falls flat as it shows you are nothing but a girl, scared and pushed to the limit. The tears fall and you are nothing but a failed experiment, a broken doll that cursed the man with her name on his heart, because she would never be as strong as he needed her to be, because she would never be enough to push back the demons reaching for his soul.

“You should have killed them. You should kill me. But you won’t.”

Twin streaks of tears stain your face, eyes shining but voice sure and rageful as you spit back, “I won’t become a monster to win!”

“You need to be one just to be able to fight back against Hydra, girl.”

But you proved him wrong. Now your soul is still yours and so is justice.

The alarm ringing through the facility shakes you out of your memories, bringing your focus back to the escape, however easy it may be now that the head of the snake if gone.

Not cut, only two more would grow back. You made sure to burn it off this time. Let the ghosts try to make venom out of ashes. They will only fail.

You can almost feel the sting of Siberia’s cold on your skin as you sprint towards the exit. Before you actually leave though, your eyes fall to the surveillance cameras, and you see four of Karpov’s elite guards run into the room you are running through.

A curse leaves your lips in Russian, quiet as your steps as you press your back to the nearest wall, and ready your knives.

You haven’t established a link strong enough to the new beat of your heart to be able to use your powers to their fullest extent. Or trust them, for that matter. If there’s anything Karpov taught you in these few months, is that you are much more than your powers, than what they tried to make out of you.

So, you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and move in as they are about to turn the corner.

Karpov is down. So is Kseniya. All by my hand. I can do this.

You manage to land a few shallow cuts in the first man’s torso and arm before another guard grabs you from behind, forcing you into a headlock and cutting off your air.

“I don’t see how I will need this experience. Soulmate trackers usually don’t go around handing CV’s, Buck.” You grumble from the floor, covering your face with your arm as you feel the soreness of training spread through your body.

“Call it…covering the bases, preparing for the worst.” He says, prompting you to lift yourself up; and you do so, but not without complaining wordlessly but loudly as you do.

“I would rather call you paranoid, but I’m gonna go with it,” Smiling his way to soften the blow, you ready your stance again. Before Bucky moves to attack you, you call out, “And I can hear you, Steven.”

A soft chuckle is all the response you get from the blond supersoldier, and your smile is quickly wiped off as you focus back on the training exercise.

You are able to counter Bucky’s attacks, and even though you know he is holding back the strength of his prosthetic you avoid and dodge almost every hit. Still, you are painfully aware how pushed you are, constantly in defense and unable to land any hit.

With an angry growl, you move for a punch right after blocking a hit with your forearm. Bucky grabs your hand, however, fast reflexes stopping your hit.

“Too slow, doll.” He teases, smirk on his face.

“Against a supersoldier? Well, duh.”

“Be smarter, then.”

Before you can answer, you feel Steve’s forearm around your throat, Bucky still holding your hand and rendering you immobile.

Well, almost.

Using Steve’s grip as a lever, you pull yourself up, landing your bare feet on Bucky’s chest and pushing him back, turning your smaller body over Steve’s head and shoulders, breaking free of his grasp.

“Shit,” You gasp, landing on shaky legs on the floor. A stunned Steve gives you an arm to stand straighter, and you smile proudly at the soldiers, “Smarter it is, then.”

“I’m impressed.” Steve smiles your way, and you shake your head in response.

“You shouldn’t be. I pissed of Hydra, more times than I remember; I had to be able to beat their best.

You shrug, leaning back into Bucky’s chest when he wraps his arm around you gently, pressing a kiss against your hair with a sigh.

You have the not so sneaking suspicion that there was more than a way to spend time behind Bucky’s intentions to train you to fight against a supersoldier, but you choose to ignore them for the time being, aware only time will make the -however unstable- peace he has found something he trusts to remain.

Pressing a kiss to Bucky’s jaw, you add, “’Sides, it doesn’t hurt that you taught my totally-not-overprotective sister how to beat you.”

You shake off the guard, falling behind him and destabilizing him after using is own strength against him. You try not dwelling on how easy it is when you plunge your knives deep into his chest from your place at his back.

The man falls quickly to the ground, and for a second too long the remaining soldiers look at you in something akin to fear.

“Aim to kill.” The leader growls, before two assault rifles are pointed your way, and he launches himself your way.

You make quick work of him, though, as his trigger-happy subordinates try shooting at you the moment you get the upper hand, allowing you to move his frame to cover you and have his men kill him.

 You use his handgun to take the other two down, following his order and aiming to kill. Taking a moment to breathe,  you take cover behind a pillar and count your bullets.

But there’s a new, coordinated sets of steps approaching the room again. Trying to keep them from hearing you, you hold your breath and stay still, and seconds tick by in silence as you wait for them to move on.

But you hear their breathing change, the rustling of combat clothing as they signal to one another. They heard you.

You move in ahead despite the fear of being overpowered after all that has happened, knives aiming for the chest and neck, but your right arm is forced back, and the clicking of a gun’s safety makes your heart beat painfully fast in your chest.

Refusing to admit defeat so close to…to whatever is expecting you out in the world; you let go of the knife in your right hand, the magnets pulling it to the one on your left and making a double-bladed dagger. Turning your wrist and, although painfully, freeing yourself from their grasp; you grab a hold of the metal wrist and force them forward, their throat at the end of your knife.

The action stops as soon as the blade teases the thin skin of their neck, the one holding the gun…

Is that metal you feel under your fingers?

Your gaze finds for the first time the face of the attacker. For a few seconds, a few empty and achingly hopeful seconds, you cannot find it in yourself to react.

Broken grey eyes search yours, and it is only then you realize your knife is still at Bucky’s throat, your gaze dead and your stance that of a soldier.

Your name is a breath on his lips, the same name that branded you both, that cursed you both. But it has never sounded so much like salvation.

“Bucky.” A smile trembles in your lips as you look at him, and before you can think twice about it, the knife falls from your hand, the now free hand reaching up to his cheek.

Buck flinches away from your touch, eyes now frantic, scared, as they take you in. You repeat his name, a question now, a disbelieving plea.

Someone speaks up, someone that sounds like Steve, and you turn your eyes to the blond supersoldier when he intercepts you. The way he too stares at you like he has seen a ghost makes realization set on your stomach with the weight of a stone.

I stopped my own heart. Just like the first time.

Bucky’s words about how it felt to lose you the first time, whispered in the darkness that surrounded you in that peaceful cabin in Brasov, in what seems like a lifetime ago are brought forth in your mind, the guilt and pain mixing within you and forcing tears to rise in your eyes.

“I had to do it.” You whimper, voice cracking in the middle of the sentence as your eyes take in the man you love. The man that faced Hydra and didn’t back down, stares back at you with a fear unlike any other shining in his grey eyes; the hopeful soldier you said goodbye to in Vienna holds a new darkness to him.

The most resilient man you have ever met, the one with the quiet strength, with the stubborn push for survival…he looks completely and utterly broken.

Your focus is forced away from him, though, when your sister breaks the spell of disbelief that settled over the three soldiers when they saw you on your feet in front of them.

“Solnyshka.” Natalia breathes right by you, before you are wrapped up in her arms, her characteristic scent of the waxy smell of lipstick and coppery smell of gunpowder reaching your senses and prompting your whole body to relax, as if some primitive part of you is now safe because your big sister, your protector, your right hand, is with you again.

Her slender frame trembles in your arms, prompting tears to trail down your cheeks as your eyes fall closed.

You know what to do, how to comfort her. You know exactly how she feels, because you went through the same thing almost fifty years ago, and the memory of that pain still keeps you up at night. The delight, the gratefulness that your sister was alive and in front of you, the crushing pain of thinking of what you could have done to have her in your arms sooner, to save her from the pain.

So you just hug her tighter, run a hand through her short hair, and whisper the nonsense you wanted to hear when you got her back form her presumed death, because you remember with painful clarity how the raspy cadence of her voice managed to make it real, managed to make it permanent.

“Hey, I’m here, it’s-…it’s over, Nat,” You soothe, swallowing past the knot in your throat. “I’m here, I’m okay.

You look over her shoulder at your soulmate, taking in the way his eyes show a heartbreaking mix of anguish and awe. So not unlike the same way he looked at you when you met in Washington, disbelief tainting the first words the Ghost had uttered, resilient hope shaping the letters of your name as it left his lips.

You do not know who you are talking to when you add in a whisper,

“It’s finally over. We can go home.”

__

Okay, I kinda can’t believe this story is almost over. This doesn’t feel like the end at all though, idk why. But I am...happy? Yeah, I am, I want to take on a few more projects that I have planned out, write Royals, start doing more oneshots and stuff. And I loved writing this so much and I thank you all so much for your support and for reading my story!

I hope you liked this chapter, please come talk to me! Love ya!

Also, the second chapter of Bucky’s version of events takes place almost directly after the end of this one, so it kinda works as an epilogue. But, if you guys want, I think I can work out an epilogue, there’s a few scenes that never made the final cut too, so...just lemme know, I’m at your disposal here hehe

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[school-n-jazz]

Your Under A-rest!

Fun fact! The action expressed above by Eddie Redmayne is actually a part of a vocal warm-up and technique. By grabbing your tongue, you are forcing the muscle to drop at the back of your throat; and in turn, releasing tension in your soft-palette. Once you do this action enough, it will become muscle memory to sing with a relaxed throat, and you will strain your vocal cords to a lesser degree.

Boom. One easy vocal technique learned.

(Make sure your hands are clean when you do this one though, lol)

Now as great as puns and vocal techniques are, it is best to apply them after you do a fairly decent warm up - which is probably why you are here in the first place.

Worry not, fellow vocalist! For on this post I will be going over:

6 Things to Include in a Vocal Warm-Up!

Now keep in mind, some of these exercises may seem weird, or make you self-conscious when you do them for the first time. But let me tell you this.

I have been doing them for four years now, and they truly work. Just push aside your doubts and go with them. Have fun with them. So without further ado, let us begin!

Number One: Proper Posture.

Proper posture, without a doubt, is one of the most important things to have when you exert yourself vocally. Having a fully supported diaphragm is key to keeping good vocal health, utilizing your breath to it’s fullest, as well as lessening any back problems you may have in the future. (lol)

Let me explain how you can get, and make sure you have, proper posture.

To start, if you’re standing have your feet shoulder-width apart. Have your shoulders back, but relaxed; and have your chest comfortably lifted to allow air into your diaphragm. We aren’t birds, we don’t puff our chests. Make sure your knees aren’t locked (straight), as this may cause your blood to flow improperly and you may pass out.

Most points mentioned above still apply when you sing while sitting - the feet shoulder-width apart, shoulders back, and your chest comfortably lifted - just add into your sitting posture feet flat on the floor and yourself sitting on the edge of your chair, and you’re golden.

To make sure your feet are shoulder width apart, clench your hands into fists. Place your fist together with your thumbs touching, and then place them in the space between your feet. If they fit snugly, then you’re the perfect space apart. If not, adjust yourself.

Number Two: Breathe Support.

Fun fact! Singing is just glorified exhaling; and due to this fact, it is important to learn how to inhale and exhale in a way that utilizes your breath to it’s fullest.

Also breathing is good. You should learn to do it well.

So, I’m going to start by bashing a breathing myth straight in its face. Bouncing bellies does not mean deep breaths. 

I was personally taught in elementary that having my stomach move was a sign of deep breathes. A moving chest was bad, and moving shoulders even worst; So it was a shock when my ninth grade vocal teacher straight up told us to forget that lesson within the first week of school.

Turns out, forcing your chest to be tense and your stomach muscles to work when they shouldn’t causes the diaphragm to have less space to open and close. Wow.

It also turns out that its okay for your chest to somewhat lift, as it is your diaphragm that moves it while your lungs expand it.

As shown in the only good gif found below.

As gross as you may find it, try to watch the lungs as they expand.

At first, it may seem that the muscle swells in all directions; however, if you continue to watch you may find that it doesn’t. In the beginning the lungs swell out, then you can see that they rapidly expand in the front part of the lung, followed by them flopping up in the back.

Thus your stomach shouldn’t move THAT much, it should only move a little - The muscles are still fairly close to one another after all! Same applies with your upper-chest area.

Make sure when you breathe, your chest doesn’t lift too much, and that it’s your back that expands more. That is proof of a proper deep breath.

To make sure you breath deep, sit up straight. Place your finger on the bottom front part of your ribs, and your thumbs on the back; similarly to how one places their hands on their hips. Now take a deep breath, feeling the air on the tip of your tongue to the back of your throat.

Do you feel your thumbs being moved? That’s your lungs expanding fully. If not, try to adjust how you breathe, and where you feel the air. Once you find the perfect position, just breathe like that for a couple of minutes if you wish to commit this breathing pattern to muscle memory.

Some teachers also consider this breathing a warm-up in itself, as it stretches the diaphragm and lungs.

One last thing before we go onto the other warm-ups. Jolting shoulders mean tense and sudden breaths. Try to avoid it.

Now that the basics have been covered, onto the verbal and physical warm-ups!

Number Three: Shake Down

Fun Fact! This exercise is done by both theater people and vocalist!

The shake down is just that, you shaking out multiple parts of your body. You start with one hand and shake it eight times, then shake down your opposite hand eight times; then your one foot and then your other foot. After that you repeat the process starting at seven; then six; then five and so forth.

Now you may be wondering, why exactly this is considered a vocal warm up you should include? Wouldn’t doing proper stretches be just as effective?

Well, you are partially correct. Stretches are super effective, and great for your posture.

I just haven’t explained the vocal aspect of this exercise - you see, we’ll be giving every number a pitch, and descending from do. The best way to explain it to someone new to music, would be to do this exercise on a piano in the key of C major.

Shown above are all the notes and solfège (do, re, mi, etc.) associated to each note in a C major scale. What this image does not include however, is that the white key beside ti (the last labeled key) is also a do or C.

Fun fact! C always comes before the two black keys, and the notes in music only includes letters A through G.

As to not complicate things, I’ll assign the pitch (letter) to the number you will be singing in a legend below. Starting from left to right of the labeled keys we have:

Do = C (lower) = 1

Re = D = 2

Mi = E = 3

Fa = F = 4

So = G = 5

La = A = 6

Ti = B = 7

Do = C (higher) = 8

Great! Now I want you to play the high C, and try to sing it to the word eight. Find the note is too high or low? Just go to the C above or below!

Remember! When singing, you should always hold the vowel in a word for as long as you can, and only articulate your final consonants at the very end of the word.

Once you’ve sung eight, sing the B on the word seven; the A on the word six; the G on the word five; the F on the word four; the E on the word three; the D on the word two; the C on the word one.

Done? Congratulations! You just sang what is known as a descending scale. All that’s left for you to do is apply the earlier explained hand-foot shaking pattern to the note-number pattern and boom. You have a vocal shake-down as apposed to a theater shake down,

Note! You will be singing the descending scale four times, as you are shaking out four separate limbs; and you will be starting a note lower each time, as you count down from seven, six, five, and so forth. Also, if you want you can remove the numbers and only sing saying the solfa syllables (do, re, mi, etc).

Number Four: Tongue Twisters

Now everyone should be familiar with tongue twister, which are just sentences full of similar sounding vowels and consonants. You may remember doing some more commonly known ones such as Peter Piper, or She Saw Sea-Shells when you were younger; but fun and games aside, these sentences help you with deciding on where to put articulations in a word, or how you should spread the vowel shape. I’m going to share with you two that we commonly do in my class - Maybe My Mummy and A Big Black Bug. 

The following tongue twisters go:

Maybe my mummy may go to Miami or maybe my mummy may not.

And

A big black bug bit a big black bear and the big black bear bled blood

Simple, right? lol, maybe not But now that we got the words down, lets get to the notes.

As we previously went over notes in the shake-down warm-up, I’ll be placing the notes on the piano above the words instead of completely typing them out - similarly to how most guitar chord to lyrics guides are. However, I’ll also be adding in timing.

For this to work best, pull up a metronome (on the web if you don’t have one), and set it to be 4/4 time, with a nice 65 BPM. Click play and listen to where the beats fall. Refer to the table below to the timing of each note in connection to the words.

When ever the words or numbers are bold, it means that that word or number lands on a beat.

If there is a dash between the two numbers, it means you hold the word above for that number of counts

The numbers between the beats are what the beats are subdivided into. They are as follows

               -“...1 2 3 2...” mean three syllables fall under one beat

               - “...1 2 2...”  means two syllables fall under one beat

In the case where the count does not start on one, just start from that count and follow the beat to bold pattern given

The final consonants of the final words always go on the end of the last beat

Note! The timing and notes were done on pc, and therefore lines up best on that platform.

I’ll start with the easier one, Maybe My Mummy.

   C   C    C   C      C   C    C   C  C  C C  C  C     C   C      C   C     C     C   

May-be my mum-my may go to Mi-a-mi or may-be my mum-my may not.

1       2    3     2       2    3   3              4          1                   2                    3-4

Yup. The entire thing is one note. Once your done playing that note, you go up to the next note (which in this case is the black key directly beside c), and even remove the metronome are put the BPM to a faster setting.

Note! The distance from one note to the note directly after that is known as a semitone. A whole-tone is made up of two semitones, and a certain pattern of while tones and semitones is used to determine whether a song is major, minor, natural, harmonic, or melodic.

A Big Black Bug is not as easy as Maybe My Mummy, and consists of multiple notes. In C major, it can be sung/played as follows:

  C   C    C       C    C  C   C     E      G     G    G    G    G        G      E       C

  A big black bug bit a big black bear and the big black bear bled blood

42    1     2       3    4   2  1      2       3      4     2    1       2       3     4        1

Number Five: Bing

Bing is a super beautiful exercise that focuses or vowel shape, proper breath support, and resonance (the way your notes ring in the air). 

Note! If you’re warming for more classical pieces (opera and musical theater), you generally want to have a very open registers during this exercise. For something for modern such as pop, focus on having a more nasally sound.

Now like Maybe my Mummy, this entire exercise is sung on one note and you ascend in semi-tones; however, that’s where the similarities end.

For this one we start on the by singing the word Bing on a C; then, without taking a breath or leaving a space (unless you’re about to faint), we transition to sing i, e, a, o, u. The pronunciation of each vowel is given below.

i = [ee]

e = [eh]

a = [ah]

o = [oh]

u = [oo]

Now try it out again, this time focusing on one point of the room your in - or on the gif provided bellow.

Focus on your point of attention. This time when you sing, gently open the back of your throat, and imagine the sound coming from behind you and over your head, going directly at your point. Shoot the sound it towards it. 

Now adjust the way your mouth and throat feels to get a greater ring, and play around withe the placement until you can almost hear the overtones.

But remember! Being resonant doesn’t always mean being loud!

Number: ... Done?

By this point, you should be warmed up nicely enough to do some gentle singing of songs; which will further warm you without other people questioning what’s going on, lol.

I hope you enjoyed this post, and stay tuned for any more I may make!

(also it’s 1am - so peace!)

[meetnombre]

I promised myself that would keep this blog sfw. That I would fill it full of things that would make many other people happy and to help them escape from the outside world. It was supposed to be my little corner of the web that would be free from real world politics. I guess, today is finally that time where I have to break that promise.

The whole thing started just as Hasbro released the last episode of the first season of My Little Pony. I discovered it all at once when I marathoned through the first season. For 6 months afterwards, I have been following the pony fandom with a passion, but from a distance. Checking out other peoples art, lurking in forums, sending anon messages to other people’s tumblrs. That kind of stuff. (what can I say? To this day, I am still a bit of a social outcast)

It wasnt until one fateful day when I came across a certain someone’s tumblr blog through another person’s livestream. Not gonna mention any names (SilverBlaze! XD), but anyways! It was through this person’s tumblr that I was encouraged very strongly to introduce myself to someone from the fandom for the very first time. What pretty much happened was that I whacked this awesome guy an anonymous donation through his paypal associated with his new tumblr. What immediately happened afterwards was that his OC absolutely freaked out. Maybe I shouldnt have anonymously sent the post: “Here! Have a bag of free money!” as an anon...oh well XP This person helped me to muster the courage to create an online identity that I could use to interact with the fandom a lot better. He drew me my very own pony! (I still remember the livestream, where Silver started drawing “nombre” without a reference…remember the “meet nombre” image that used to be at the top of my tumblr? That was a modified screenshot of what Silver actually drew for me XD. He then scribbled it out, and began drawing my very own nombre! He asked me if I wanted nombre to be a boy or a girl, as he already started to draw long eyelashes for nombre. I was like “Nombre is a boy! NOMBRE IS A BOY!”, and he quickly removed the eyelashes after that X) ). I eventually took my brand new oc, created my very own tumblr…but then decided to wait until a better time to reveal my tumblr, as I kind of accidentally got Heart Lift, Sparks, and Toast Lift to swap bodies on purpose XP

But yeah! Finally went public with my tumblr, and eventually met someone else (Kappa! XP). I visited quite a few of her livestreams (when silver wasnt streaming, obviously XP), and we just…talked. We caught up with each other so much…we really gotta catch up with each other some more. But what happenned eventually was that Kappa invited me to a group chat where Silver and so many other awesome people got to hang out with each other. I met so many idols of my time and so many new faces, all of which soon became mutual friends. I literally felt like one of the richest people on the planet. I even met someone (Andie!), who soon became my girlfriend!

I still remember bits and pieces of the first group voice chat that I had with this group. One of the guys first impressions was “Is this guy serious?” (Kaipo XP), and “I’m more concerned that this guy works with live explosives for a living” (Rainboom XD)

It didnt last forever. Nothing lasts forever. One of my close friends from that group was forced to leave because he kept on getting anonymous hate from someone else. He didnt know who it was, so he was about at that stage where he was going to shut himself off from ‘everyone’. Good job anon! Good job! *slow clap*

I remember very well the time when that group that helped me with my depression got themselves a new certain member. Things were all good for a while…until that certain member made a techno remix, and asked the group as to what they thought of it. The problem was the title that he chose for it, as it was completely unrelated to the music itself, completely unnecessary, and pretty offensive to a lot of people (I’m pretty sure it was something like “Retarded Austistics” or “Autistic Retards” or something simular…..yeah…). That person was eventually removed from the group, but there was a bit of mayhem in the process, as ‘every single member of the group had moderator powers’. The incident served as a wakeup call to the group, so what happenned was that everyone was disbanded from the old group, and a new group was established…

…but here’s the thing. Not everyone was allowed into the new group. There was one person, who apparently the slim majority at the time decided that they didnt want in the new group. A lot of dramas happened since this event, but this particular separation in my opinion was a pretty big deal, as she was kind of a big part of the group at the time, and a big part of my life.

So! The one big group of people who meant so much to me ended up splitting into 2 separate groups. I stayed silent about the whole thing since then, hoping that someday maybe everyone will let bygones be bygones, because we were all friends once. Instead the opposite happened. Years later, a lot of people started forgetting each other. I could have been more proactive at the time to try and preserve what we all had, but I was worried about hurting someone in the process. I didnt know what to do.

My girlfriend broke up with me, and it was pretty much my fault. After being together for 3 months, she approached me and said that she needed some time apart...and I absolutely flipped my shit. I ended up saying a ‘lot’ of stupid shit that sent her into an absolute chronic panic attack. This drove her to the point where she told me straight up that I was no different from any of the other horrible people in her life. I felt like a real asshole when she said that. I said a lot of things that I shouldnt have said that day.

I was very fortunate to still have her as a friend after all of that. ‘Very’ fortunate.

It was about 3 months after this however that she decided to close her tumblr and delete her skype. She told me that she found happiness outside of this world that she built up. Over 2 years passed since she sent me that post, 2 years that she went missing. That’s long enough to legally declare anyone dead (not kidding either. After all of the low’s that she had been through, my mind was really starting to wonder into some pretty dark places as to what might have happened to her. I was so scared). But everything was okay! I actually got a message from her after all of those years from her telling me that she was doing very well and has settled down with someone else.

All I wanted was the best for her and for her to be happy. Nothing has changed. Even if is with someone else, I dont care. She ‘is’ happy, and she ‘is’ doing what is best for her, and thats all that matters. Hell, I’d approach this guy and shake his hand if it wasn’t for the fact that it would probably make things awkward for everyone XD

But as for me, I’m stuck. I dont really know what to do with myself anymore. When you give someone your heart and things dont work out, most people would get over it. Most people would have found a rebound relationship right now or something, but I guess I’m just not like most people. It’s not just because of my past, but its also because of my toxic present and future. I work in a workplace that can be pretty toxic at times. It’s like, you go back to work after your rostered days off to be meeted by ‘many’ old fashioned people who ask you inappropriate questions like “Hey Nombre! Did you get a root on break?” or “Hey Nombre! You should go get a hooker! You might like it!” over and over because they think its funny to do so, it just puts me off so much. I’m fine as I am! I dont mind being single, even if its for the rest of my life...but there are a lot of people out there who think its okay to treat other people like shit because they are ‘different’, when in reality, my workplace is full of old dirty perverts.

Meanwhile, I’m hardly ever online anymore. Every time I do manage to return to eavesdrop on everyone, it feels like everyone is just becoming more and more isolated from each other. I saw a post on ‘that’ group from someone who said that they wondered what I was up to, to which someone else replied that I pretty much only use tumblr now...and that really hurt me a lot. I cant blame them for thinking that way though, given that I hardly appear anymore. I deserved that.

Every time I look into my tumblrs past posts, I always have dramas. This was supposed to be a place of fun, but because the peak of my tumblr career involved the misadventures between myself and my ex and a certain red horse, looking back always brings up a lot of repressed memories.

I dont want to quit tumblr. But at the same time, I dont want to keep going. I dont know what to do. I really wish that things could have been like they were back in the first quarter of 2013. I liked that.

Over 5 years since then, and I dont know how to move on. I really dont.