#maybe i wont be i dont like being angry. its so exhausting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kashimos-hajime · 3 years

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no regrets (8/8) | r.b.

summary: For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Or, Reiner finally understands what peace is.

WARNINGS: MANGA SPOILERS!!! angst, mentions of violence, we get our happy ending :) pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 6.7k

a/n: welcome to the last chapter!! thank you so much for being on this journey with me. there are a few callbacks to previous chapters so see if you can catch ‘em all heheh

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

Few months ago ymir asked if I could let her write one last letter to krista, and I did let her. I stood over her shoulder the whole time, watching her pen down all this sappy shit and I kept thinking about you the whole time, behind those walls. What you were doing, what you were thinking. Maybe if you thought about me. I dont know.

I’m starting to see the appeal of wrting what youre not strong enough to say to a persons face. I never thought Id find myself on the other end of this stick. for some reason, I thought that I could stop myself, resist the temptation, or maybe that I didnt feel for you as strong as I thought I did once I was away from you. I was wrong.

What do I even say? I mean shit, I can barely see, my limbs are barely in tact, and all of it—shiganshina, it haunts me, even though I cant really remember it that well. Half of it goes black and then I remember hearing your voice, I remember Bertholdt, I remember you screaming.

You couldve walked away. why didnt you walk away? It doesn’t make sens. Why did you think to cut me out? Why did you try to save me? Im trying to make it make sense inmy head. It’s not working.

Fuck I dont know what I was thinking when I asked for a paper and pen. Why am I asking you questions? Its not like ill ever understand. At this point, I think it’s pity thats letting Zeke let me waste ink on trying to write straight. He doesn’t know what im doing, but thats better this way. Better than sleeping—better than eating. I just wanna talk to you and this is as close as I can get. Its my own damn fault, but I dont care.

I completed my mission. After this, im done. ill give up the rest of my term. I dont want any of that glory anymore. I dont want to be a hero. Im just done.

Fuck, my head hurts so much. I dont really know if what im saying is making sense. Im hoping you never read this.

im sorry. I wish I could explain it to you some day, but chances are, ill be dead soon. Whether for treason or because they need to pass on the Titan, and I wont be able to see you again. Which means youll never know how sorry I am. How much I

Thats okay. I dont think youd believe me now even if I did say anything.

I remember your dream to live by the lake with a bunch of kids. You know I started to wonder if youd mind if they were our kids, not just some orphans who needed a home. I’d imagine one of them with blond hair. Imagine them swimming in the lake.

Never told you that was my dream too. Never knew i could have a dream of my own, something only I wanted and not just something to further marleys damn agenda, til I knew you. Sounds stupid but its true.

I think youd like Marley, if we weren’t sworn enemies. Just want you here with me right now. make me sleep easier knowing you’re there when I wake up.

Dont want secrets either. Fuck I miss you so bad. I feel s o tired all the time.

I rember when i first saw you all could think about was how you were the most prettiest girl id ever seen. I don know if you know thats why I tried to distance myself. Knew I couldn’t get distracted from my mison. happened anyway. Wish I could tell you that.

wish I could tell you I love you. Wish I could see the look on yur face when you try lobster for the first time. Youd love it. Not sweet, but tons of desserts here too.

Shit. And the ring on your finger. ill put a ring on your finger. I promised. i swear ill go home and buy a ring for the moment I see you again. Might not be pretty but will do the best I can.

Olnly wnat only wnat only want to see you again and beg for your forgiveness. Let you know if I had a choice, I wouldnt have done it. Would take it all back, nd stay. i wanted to stay, stay with you and the others. I used to want to spend the rest of my life in those walls, now I think im sick and tired of them dividing people who arent even that differnet.

My eyes are beginning to burn. Worse because the skin is sitll growing back. Fucking hell god I miss you. miss your smile more.

I know i dont deserve your forigvneess forgiveness. I want you to be angry with me. I deserve as much, and I cant ask you to, but

With love,

Rienr

You fold the letter, eyes closing as your fingers trace where the ink bled, the old tear stains wrinkling the paper beyond measure. Some are older than others, and you trace over his name again, your eyes burning, your throat tight enough to suffocate.

You’re leaning against the wall as everyone disembarks. They had taken Eren off first, Hange and the others getting ready to depart for the city while Connie and Jean lift a covered stretcher too white for the vivacious girl that lays dead beneath it.

They pass you silently, and you catch sight of a certain captain approaching, his pale eyes nearly swallowed by the shadows haunting his face.

“Captain,” you say, straightening. Placing the letter back into the tin, you slide it back into your pocket as he folds a green jacket over his shoulder. You give him a nod.

“You made it out alive,” Levi observes. He stops beside you, eyes more focused on what’s ahead. No doubt he’s not looking forward to having to take Zeke to wherever he needs to go—somewhere far, far away from Eren. You cross your arms.

“It’s good to see you, too, Levi,” you intone. Sighing, you step in beside him and look out at the Walls you can’t see in the distance, your entire body wrought with a strange fatigue that’s only sewn into muscles by adrenaline leaving the body. “I think I’m going to stay.” He tilts his head to you, eyes flickering to your face, and you mirror the shift, your arms tightening. “I can’t leave this unfinished. Not after Liberio.”

“The farm will have to be abandoned,” he points out. “The kids, too.”

“I’ll make sure I move them where someone can take care of them. Somewhere north, far away from the brothers,” you assure, although still, your heart begins to sink and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply. “I have to hope they understand.”

Levi only nods, and you open your eyes as he wordlessly takes the jacket off his arm and offers it to you. Grasping it wearily, you open your mouth to ask questions but he only sets off, back towards the cabin where Zeke is still being held, and you snap your jaws shut, looking down at the jacket.

When you unfold it, you swallow the hard rock in your throat at the blue and white slipping beween the folds of olive green before there’s a sharp whistle. Looking up, you see the carriages already beginning to load up, and you glance back at the door where the captain has disappeared through before jogging down the ramp.

You slither your arms through the sleeves and shuffle the fabric along your frame as something thumps against your thigh, and you frown, reaching down into your pocket and coming into contact with something smooth and hard.

Withdrawing, your lips part at the green bolo tie gleaming in the lights of the port and you, without another thought, pull it over your head, letting it fall against your breastbone.

“For your services to the Survey Corps.”

There’s no time to second-guess now. No time to debate.

“Good to have you back,” Hange murmurs as you walk towards the carriage taking Mikasa, Armin, and the others back to the city. You tug the lapels of the jacket tighter around yourself and flash them a weak smile.

The Wings of Freedom on your arm feel like a brand, and it prickles your skin as you climb in after them.

Distantly, he remembers flashes.

Eren reaching forward for Zeke, the exhaustion ripping him every which way, the sound of ODM gear whizzing in his ears as he tries to make sense of the punctured sensation in his armour.

How he had softened his nape, intending to die then. At least, let his death have some meaning, he had thought. Let him make one last effort to repent for everything he did to Paradis, and to his friends who’d been more family than his own mother.

He slips in an out of consciousness for the next few days. He doesn’t know what is up, what is down, but he does recognize his surroundings blearily, the way his head spinning somehow slowing when he presses his temple to the wooden floor.

How can he almost hear your voice in the echoes of the panels, countered by someone who almost sounds like Annie before he drifts off again.

When Reiner finally regains consciousness again, he wakes to someone crouched down in front of him. Jerking up, he lets out a sound before a palm slaps over his mouth and your face is shoved against his own.

“Shut it,” you whisper fiercely. “It’s just me.”

Your name muffled by your own hand, his eyes begin to burn and you lift your palm away as he sits up and you draw back. You’re dressed in clothes that look like they’ve seen better days but you’re relatively uninjured as you pull back. New lines adorn your face—one of the many prices of their damned war—and you only look exhausted.

Sitting up, Reiner’s whole body groans as he leans against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from you. Your hands are hovering around his body like you’re scared he’ll collapse and there’s a fracture in your mask.

Something gleams on your finger and his eyes flit to it, his heart lurching when he realizes what it is.

The ring. You’re wearing it. You…

For a moment, a glimmer of their teenage selves shine through and he wants to reach for it—touch it so he can remember what it’s like to be happy. He thinks it’s an awful like now; the swelling of his heart so big he can’t breathe; the way his lungs are static in his chest; how he can’t say anything because there are so many words that want to come out first.

“You’re here. You’re alive,” he finally settles on raspily. Your eyes glint with a youthful pain as you nod.

“So are you.”

And he doesn’t know who moves first—you or him. Nothing is forgiven as their bodies crash in an embrace that lacks grace, but they cling onto another like the world is ending and they’re the only ones left standing.

Maybe they are.

He buries his face in your neck, and your arms are so tight around him your fingers dig into his shoulders as your body melts against his and his skeleton sags in his own body.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your skin, eyes fluttering shut. “I‘m sorry.” A hand against your neck and an arm around your waist, he wraps his legs around your own and traps you against him. You seem to only sink into him even more.

Is that enough? I don’t want you to hate me.

You suck in a breath, and then it comes out shuddering. “You can spend the rest of what life you have left repenting for making me fall in love with a man who was always supposed to die.”

Softly, in his mind, your voice cools the searing heat of hatred inside him. It’s enough. It has to be.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s like they’re the only words he knows. He can’t remember ever meaning it this much. For him dying, for making you love him, for ever coming to Paradis. For loving you. For loving you. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I know.” Your face turns to press against his own. Your lips brush against his jaw and his eyes slide shut, tears rolling down his face. “I read every single one of your letters.” Drawing back, you cup his face in his hands and your fingers smear his tears all over his cheeks as his palm rests against your neck. Thumb stretching up to touch your chin, he feels sobs shuddering in his throat at seeing you again—looking at him almost like you used to. “I can’t begin to understand, but I know you are. And I know you love me.”

Choking, he gasps, “You should hate me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” You’re crying, too, voice thick, tears stubborn on your cheeks as you give him a watery smile. “I should hate Marley, too. But it’s beautiful there. The water by the sea… I want to be there with you next time. We need to go together, before you leave me alone, okay?”

Reiner doesn’t quite hear you. He hears Marley, and beautiful, and he’s never noticed how beautiful you are when you cry, but right now, it’s the simplest truth he knows.

“Okay.”

When you tilt his chin up and kiss him softly, something inside him explodes from the gentleness that makes him want to crack in the palm of your hands. It sears him from the inside out, makes him grab onto you like you’ll disappear—this is another dream, isn’t it?

It has to be.

You can’t be kissing him again after four years. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re an illusion, something his mind made up to deal with the pain. He’s finally cracked for good, just like Bertholdt said he would, and he’s the devil, not you.

But then you pull away just for a moment to smile, eyes barely open as you look at him with a sad tenderness that wraps him in an invisible embrace, and he is faced with the heart-wrenching reality.

The sky is falling, you are holding him tightly again, and they’ve lost their years. But you’re here. With him.

He knows that this isn’t a dream as he feels the coolness of the silver band on your finger and the heaviness in how he knows he hasn’t repented a damn thing.

Why him?

As you run your hand through his hair, you press their foreheads together.

“And I do want a family with you, by the water if you’d like,” you murmur fleetingly against his mouth and his eyes widen, cheeks burning, entire face crumbling as he turns his face in to your shoulder, crushing you in another brace. Sobbing into your neck, his fingers dig into your shoulders, wrap tight around your waist, squeeze you so close he isn’t sure where you end and he begins and your lips brush the shell of his ear. “Reiner, say it.”

“Please,” he whispers thickly into your skin, and you cradle the back of his head with a hand. He’s nothing more than shambles. “Please, don’t go.”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight again,” you promise. His breath is hot against his own face as you pull his head back and cradle his face again, thumbs brushing away the tears from his red face. “Just a bit more. A bit more and then it’ll be all over, you know?”

And he understands, then, what you want from him. Struggling for breath, for his lungs to stop seizing in his aching chest, he cups your face that turns into his palm on instinct, your face wet with your own tears as, for a moment, they try to pretend this isn’t where they really are.

Like they’re still in that afternoon in Trost, a thousand years ago, with the kids flipping coins into the water fountain and a cream bun between them. Like they’re under the tree, apple juice on your wrist and his lips on yours.

Like it’s those trips to the city, the walks on the Walls. Honey is dripping down your chin and he’s pretending he doesn’t want to kiss you, or there’s grease smeared on his forehead, and you’re reaching up to wipe it off his skin.

Like a thousand moments all at once, and he nods to himself as you brush your hand over his temple. The world outside is startlingly quiet, as if the universe itself stopped everything itself to watch this moment, and Reiner takes a breath that bruises his sternum before he’s holding your left hand where that ring still sits.

And slowly, he pulls it off, whispering as firmly as he can. He’s sure he fails—he’s shaking all over from your presence alone.

“When this is over, I’ll put that ring back on your finger. I promise.”

The smile that splits your face is dazzling. It’s the smile he’s missed since the day he left it.

“We have a lot of things to work out, Reiner Braun.”

And your fingers barely brush his jaw before you’re leaning to press a sweet kiss against his mouth. It’s sugary on his tongue, like honey and apple slices.

Your back is warmer when you’re pressed up against Reiner’s. The ship is quiet, and their pinkies are just barely hooked on oen another’s as you stare blankly at the empty space between Connie’s boots. You don’t speak, and Reiner’s gaze is only on you. He can’t look at anything else now that you’re back by his side again.

There’s a cut on your cheek from the fight just half an hour ago, and there’s dried blood along your hands where your knuckles had split open, but everyone seems too exhausted to clean themselves up.

Reiner himself has a blanket pulled over his shoulders, and he sighs, slouching in his own sack of flesh.

Your head tilts towards him, enough that your temple presses against his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into your touch. Not a word passes by, but their hold on each other’s hands tightens. And Reiner thinks.

For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Something that hasn’t burned since he left Marley as a child.

Reiner thinks he doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want to miss you for another moment.

Raising from the steam, you groan, your hands searing from the inside out as you touch your face where you swore every inch of your skin had been stretched, but nothing seems out of sorts as you glance around. Everywhere, all your friends who had turned just as you had are in various states of disoriented. The air is still hissing, crackled with surprised screams and shouts of names as people look for one another across the field.

It smells like cooked meat and burnt hair, a none-to-pleasant mixture that turns your stomach.

Getting to your feet, you wipe at your face, trying to ignore the weird feeling underneath your nails and the ache seizing your muscles. Trying to ignore the remnants of Eren lingering like a ghost that won’t really leave you alone. You shiver, and a strange cold sweat takes over your body.

He had taken you to the sea, except it wasn’t the shore you were familiar with. There was a cabin nearby, with blonde children running, chasing after one another and a man with golden hair standing on the porch, firewood in his arms as he calls out silently. Or maybe you had been standing too far to hear.

“Eren… where are we?”

“Wherever you think you are,” he had said. “I just brought you where you wanted to be.”

A voice, quiet as a memory, catches your attention. “Here let me help.” A soft wind blows throw the mist, cooling your scorching face as you feel a presence stand behind you.

“Oh, thank you.” You look over your shoulder to see a tall boy, and your heart stops. Mouth dropping open, you stare at his foggy image, but he only smiles fully, a smile so tender it reaches every corner of you as you stumble forward, fingers stretching for him. “Bertholdt!”

His smile grows only that much more, eyes squinting a bit and a flash of teeth before he’s looking at your hand that passes through his chest. All at once, all the hope built up in your chest crumbles, and your hand snaps back, trembling just before him. He lays a hand over your own and your eyes begin to burn, tears slipping down your cheeks.

And then, softly, you barely whisper, “I miss you.”

Bertholdt’s smile merely grows, as if to say everything he couldn’t say before. As if to show he’s at peace now—that your last memory together isn’t every part of him, and your lips press together, trying to stop yourself from shaking.

Shadows form in the fog, and together, the two look as a freckled boy and another girl steps out of the mist a distance away, beaming like the sun. Connie and Jean stagger to their feet just behind you, and your heart lurches into your throat when you recognize them.

“Marco! Sasha!”

Someone calls your name and you turn around just as arms scoop you up and you let out a surprised noise before settling into Reiner’s arms. Looking over your shoulder to look at Bertholdt, your heart only sinks.

He smiles and Reiner lets out a sharp breath beside you, settling you down. “Bertholdt…” More shapes emerge. A shorter boy accompanied by another taller one, both alike in their features. You recognize one as the Jaw Titan holder before Falco, but the other—

“Marcel!” Reiner chokes out the name, hand stretching out to the fog, but the boy merely tilts his head and waves.

Closing your eyes, hot tears streak over your cooling flesh as you fling your arms around Reiner again and press your face into his neck. He cradles the back of your head, and he feels… somehow weaker, but still, there is that impassable strength in his core that wraps around you as he watches over your shoulder, still clinging on despite your clothes hot enough to burn.

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive. It’s the only thought in your head. Your last clear memory had truly been the others taking flight, and the pain that had ripped apart your body before sewing it back together again in unjust proportions. Your limbs had been too big, your blood racing too warmly through your head as your legs pumped but your brain screamed to stop.

Your fingers had sank into Reiner’s legs to pull him down and you had watched—watched Jean take a bite out of him—

You shiver and Reiner’s arms tighten around you instinctively, constricting enough to let you know that his attention isn’t on you quite yet.

Boots shifting on the ground tentatively, your knees feel gummy as you draw back long enough to look at him. He still looks over your shoulder, and you follow his gaze to watch the mist retreat. Bertholdt and the other two boys fall into a pool of fog, and your lips part in a farewell, but it’s already too late.

He’s gone.

A wind sweeps through the battlefield, tickling your sweating neck and cooling your boiling blood.

“Hey,” a soft voice croaks.

Their eyes meet in tandem. He regards you softly, like you are the reason the sun rises and the stars hang at the sky. Overwhelmed, you can only cup the back of his neck and pull him into a deep kiss. Your other hand along his jaw, it takes all you can not to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace that’ll send them both to the ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you whisper hushedly against his mouth, throat swelling as he lets out a soft noise of surprise as you pull him into another tight hug. You don’t care that you’re crushing him, just that his heart is pounding against your own chest. “I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry.”

His eyes widening, he wraps his hands around your wrists and pulling you back just enough to kiss your fingers that crumple against his mouth. Clasping one of his hands in both of your own, you close your eyes and he uses his free fingers to brush the tears off your cheek before reaching into some dented tin you don’t recognize.

Eyebrows furrowing, you feel the heat leave your entire body, sapping your energy too, and your eyes snap to Reiner who steps back, cracking it open and presenting it to you.

“You’re not the one who has to be sorry. I don’t think I’m the Armoured Titan anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t know if I get the rest of my life back, but either way, I want to spend the rest of it repenting to you in any way I can, if you’ll allow me to.” A weak smile. “Truth.”

Your throat closes up, and you stare down at the ring so protected, gleaming despite the destruction around them. It looks almost out of place amongst the grime smearing your skin, the sweat drenching their skin, the smell of blood and metal clinging to their clothes, but Reiner only watches you with a tenderness you can barely meet. It’s so overtly overflowing with devotion that your heart is resting on your tongue, seizing control of everything.

You barely nod, chewing on your lip, trying not to cry even harder as his eyebrows rise in relief and he lets out a long sigh.

He lifts the ring out of the tin, snapping it closed before sliding the band back home onto your finger and all at once, everything floods you. The exhaustion, the pain, the hunger, thirst, grief wrapping around your bones and chaining you to the ground.

It’s over.

The minute he put the ring on your finger, it would mean it was over. No more blood, no more fighting.

Just like he promised.

You barely croak out his name before you fall to your knees. You trust him to catch you, and he does.

[THREE YEARS LATER]

Just after the Rumbling had stopped, you had gone back to Paradis alone and came back with three children to a man who was still uncertain in a world that was changing.

Since then, you’ve learned so much about the world, about yourself, about Reiner.

How he’s seized by night terrors even now, just like you, and how one thing that soothes it is going out for a walk while the sun still simmers below the horizon, the sky a dark navy blue spliced with orange rays. The intricate details like him making a point to tie his own tie because his father never taught him how or the way he has to chug his coffee so he has enough energy to get through the day.

And some days are horrible, haunting, but now, it is far outweighed by the good. He teaches Xav how to dress smart, takes the girls out shopping. Sometimes, he’s spotted around Liberio with a flame-haired boy riding his shoulders, you trailing behind hiding a smile behind some ice-cream.

Different nations, foods, cultures surround you now—citizens of countries coming to settle down roots, spread cuisine to Marley. The idea before, of humans so different than you but still similar at the root of it all, existing, still blows your mind. The technologies that you had never seen before, languages you’d never heard, sights you’d never seen, had all swarmed you as you stepped into a new world with him.

But there is always one thing you’ll come back to.

Leaning against the railing in the port city Reiner told you was the harbour he had left twelve years ago, and returned to seven years ago, you watch the clouds travel in slow drags across the pale blue canvas hung high above your head. The water spans for as far as you can see, glimmering under the sun and gorgeous enough to take your breath away. You pull at your coat across your chest absently, ignoring the tender growl of your stomach.

Breathing in the salty wind, you feel your chest expand at the litle fishing boats a little ways out.

Reiner was right. You don’t get sick of the sea. You never will—not of this much water. You still remember the first time you had swam in it, the salt-water making your hair crisp, the cold sweat forming on your your sun-warmed skin.

You feel a hand on your shoulder. Looking up, you spot blonde hair and warm eyes and smile. Your heart flutters a bit. You shift on your feet.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Reiner leans down beside you, and you clasp your hands, letting the sea wind curl against your neck. Reaching to slip his hand in between yours, he sighs and you lean against his shoulder, glancing at their pile of interlaced fingers. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” you whisper, although even still, you can feel a numbing at your fingertips. You remember what it was like to be a Titan, even now. The sensations haunt you—flashes of your own mutated body, the grotesque meat of your hands sinking into the ankles of the man beside you, the bloodcurdling roar spilling out of your throat.

Glancing at their fingers, you watch the flashes of silver of the rings play in the sunlight, your band now having a matching counterpart on his own hand. You grasp his hands tightly, bringing them up to your lips and his own grip tightens when you dust a kiss gently along his scarred knuckles.

“No,” you finally say at length. “I’m not okay. Going back to Paradis makes me nervous as hell, but we’ll manage.” He nods slowly, and you let go of his hands to wrap your arms around his neck. His own encircle your waist, pulling you flush against him and your eyes close at the familiar warmth—a warmth you’ve woken up next to most days for the past three years.

“Have you eaten yet?” he murmurs, and your fingers play with the soft edges teasing at your pads as his nose presses against your cheek. Your eyes flutter at the soft heat emanating from his skin, and you shake your head, melting against him. With one arm still around you, he slants his body away from just enough to pull a bag out of his pocket and it crinkles as he hands it to you. Taking it, you frown and look inside.

A cream bun. You can’t help the crumbling in your expression and Reiner holds your face in his hands carefully, kissing the corner of your mouth.

“Let’s stay positive,” he whispers. “We don’t know the situation until we get there and Historia briefs us.”

“I know,” you whisper and his entire expression eases at your words. His eyes gaze at you as if you’re the sole centre of his universe, and he cups your jaw more insistently, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, one you ease into, your eyes fluttering shut as his tongue traces the seam of your mouth. Laughing, you feel his little nose scrunch and your heart bounds up into your throat as he pulls back only to kiss you again, softer this time.

“Get a room!” A sharp female voice ruins their moment and you pull back just enough to see a red-headed boy running towards them and Reiner crouches down just in time to scoop Xavier up.

“When are you getting married?” he demands. “I was promised cake when you guys got married.”

“I dunno. When you move out of the house I guess,” you tease and Xavier pouts, rubbing at the side of his nose with the heel of his palm.

“Besides, you got cake for your seventh birthday, buddy,” Reiner groans as the boy twists in his arms. “You’re getting heavy. What are you feeding him?” he adds, smiling roguishly at you and you roll your eyes as Alina and Anya approach, sun hats protecting them from the glaring sun. Alina, grocery bags in hand, waves. Anya, who’d been the one to shout, tucks her coin purse back into her bag before flashing you a great big smile.

Only fifteen and seventeen. You can barely recall what it’s like being that young anymore, but you’re grateful they didn’t spend it the way you did. They get to know beauty, and no limits at all. The former comes naturally, the latter is partially because Reiner spoils them rotten.

Alina picks a flower with velvety purple petals from a bouquet she cradles in her arm, extending it to you.

“For good luck,” she says. “And protection.” Your heart melts at her words and you pause for a moment, looking from the gorgeous bloom to Reiner, occupied with the boy in his arms making silly faces at him. Then, without another moment, you sneak the flower behind his ear and he reaches up immediately to hold it against his head, turning to you in surprise.

“To protect the both of us,” you explain.

“Thank you. I’ll be extra careful now.” He looks at the girls, setting his free hand on Alina’s head heavily and she flushes, smiling grandly. “You three behave while we’re gone, alright?”

You nod. “Listen to Levi.”

“And listen to your sister,” Reiner adds to Alina and Xavier. The former rolls her eyes, the latter sticks out his tongue. “I’ll miss you.”

This is their home—their family that tumbles together into a huge hug, and you can’t help but stand back, watching how they all seem to merge into one unit, unaware of where one part of their reach ends and another begins.

As Reiner pulls you into the hug, your heart soars through your body, effortlessly pounding in your throat and in your fingers and everywhere at once. Liquid heat pools everywhere as Xavier screws up his face when you kiss his cheek, the same way Reiner does after he’s eaten something sour.

And maybe it’s a bit different, or a bit broken, the shards of their bloody history still poking at their heels whenever they think you’ve forgotten them, and it’s most definitely not perfect, but you would rather have it like this then anything else.

“Hey, guys!” Breaking apart, the family look over to see Armin, Annie, and Pieck walking over. Gabi and Falco meander a little bit behind, pushing Levi in his wheelchair, and Jean and Connie are running not far behind them, shouting at one another. You stifle a laugh and Xavier shimmies out of Reiner’s hold to run towards them. The girls follow after him, trying to hold back their runs but the closer they get, you can tell the more frantic they are to say goodbye.

So this is what they’ve made a peace. Something, you hope, is good.

Annie bypasses them quickly, making her way over to you and you survey her face as Reiner squeezes your shoulder, walking over to their friends. Her blue eyes are fixed on your face, and you feel your lips curving into a smile as she shoves her hands in her pockets. Her hair is swaying in the wind, gleaming flaxen, and you remind yourself, not for the first time, that Armin and Annie’s kids, if they ever decide they want them, will be gorgeous.

Hope for the future, and all that.

She stops in front of you, tucking a strand behind her ear.

“So,” she says at length, “we’re going back to Paradis. I’m surprised you decided to come with us. You don’t owe any of us anything.”

“I know. But… you’re my best friend. You do the talking, I fly the getaway plane, right?”

“Yeah. There used to be a time when it probably would’ve been the opposite.”

You nod, and they stand in silence for a moment, watching each other. Two women who should not have been friends, but were against all odds. You don’t think you would be here today if it weren’t for Annie.

Your heart lurches and you take a step forward just as she does, her mouth open to say something. You throw your arms around her and she lets out a noise in surprise as you close your eyes. Arms coming underneath yours, her hands dig into your shoulders and you smile against soft hair as she sighs, easing into your hug.

“Finally working together on an actual assignment,” you mumble and her head tilts as her small frame shifts, a hand patting you on the back as a sign for you to back up. “Just like we always said we would.”

Bluntly: “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“You, too.” Pulling back, the two look at one another for another soft moment before you remember the bag in your hand and you shift the bun up in the bag, extending it towards her. “Want some?” Her eyebrows rise in faint delight, before she’s reaching over, pinching and tearing a piece off.

You grin and do the same and you gesture for her to come stand by the rails with you, stuffing the bag into your coat pocket. Leaning against the warm metal again, you hear a seagull call. The plane you’ll be flying to Paradis floats on the water, the technicians giving it the final check before you take off.

If anything goes wrong while you help prepare and oversee accommodations for the rest of the ambassador group, you’ll remember to fire the black signal flare, but you trust Historia. You trust your friends.

You glance over at them, all laughing, and you notice that the flower has gone from Reiner to Pieck, who’s taking it out of her dark hair to tuck it into Jean’s, and his cheeks redden as he brushes it more securely behind his ear.

Annie catches your attention again, pointing out idly that they’ll have to separate soon when they finish with the plane, and you tell her to just wait a couple minutes more as Reiner catches your gaze. Setting Xav, who has somehow wormed his way back into his arms, down, he walks back over to you, and his hand trails purposefully over your back before resting at the nape of your neck, a reassuring weight on your body.

“You guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Annie replies. “You have a clingy boyfriend,” she tells you.

“I think it’s charming.”

She rolls her eyes. Reiner smiles, and you pat the railing beside you—silent invitation. He leans in on your other side, clasping his hands and watching the fishermen pull themselves to shore, singing a tune to each other—one familiar to all three of them and one that you wish you could get out of your head.

“Soon may the Wellerman come…”

A faint breeze tickling at your fingertips as a sharp call for embarkment splits the harbour, you simply sigh and look over at Reiner. “I just want these last few moments to last.” His eyes meet yours, and he leans forward to press a kiss between your eyes. Annie lets out a soft noise of disgust and you bump your hip against her as Reiner pulls back.

Closing your eyes and lifting your head to the wind, you can almost imagine the one person missing standing on the other side of Annie, dark hair like spun, stained bronze and eyes like warm chocolate. He’d smile and tell them not to worry in that sincere way of his that makes you believe every word he says—as long as they were careful, they wouldn’t walk into any traps.

Your chest aches, and your lips tug into a heart-wrenching smile as you begin to sing along. Reiner slips a hand in between yours, pressing his temple against your head and you loop your other arm through Annie’s.

She rests her head on your shoulder, listening to your voice, eyes on the sailors bringing in their haul below them. Reiner hums the shanty softly, distractedly, eyes cast across the sea.

You tilt your head up to the sky, at the stars you cannot see but will join one day, and smile.

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themaninflannel · 3 years

Text

Never be the same (Snapshots pt 4)

Summary: the time leading up to dean being dragged to hell. Y/N and Dean are so in denial about ~certain things~

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: grief disguised as anger, yelling, angst

AN: hey yall its been a WHILE since I wrote anything but I do plan on continuing this series as well as maybe other things

part 1 part 2 part 3

masterlist

I had been traveling with the boys for almost two years when everything changed. Dean sold his soul to save Sam, and he got one year. One freaking year. Don’t get me wrong I understand why he did it and honestly I might have done the same thing, but I am not the kind of person the world will miss. Dean is. He is the kind of man whose death will be felt by more than just the people who knew him. And I was PISSED.

“Dean what the fuck! You sold your soul for ONE FUCKING YEAR?!”

“NO. I did it for Sam. I couldn’t live with him being dead!”

“Did you ever think about the fact that maybe JUST MAYBE we couldn’t live with you being dead?”

“Ha, thats not what i’m worried about,” he turned his back around on me, “im sure you guys will be fine,”

“There you go again! Of course we would be worried! We’re your family, Dean.”

This was the conversation that we kept having with Dean. Eventually we stopped yelling at him for it and started doing our best to make sure he could have the best year possible. He deserved that, whether or not he thought so. This meant a lot of shitty bars and games of pool. And Women.

We were in a roadhouse, the kind where the floor smells like beer and theres only like three people there-including the bartender. Dean saw a sign that said ‘burgers and beer’ and just had to pull over and try it. He had been doing that more and more the closer that we got to the big day.

“Ugh dean come on,” Sam groaned, “i get heart problems just by looking at this place,”

“Oh Sammy! Im sure we can find you some of that rabbit food you like so much,” Dean teased, slapping Sam in the chest as he got out of the car.

“Common, it makes him happy,'' I said shrugged. We got out of the car and followed dean into the bar. He didnt seem to be bothered by the lack of people, instead he just walked straight to the bar. Unfortunately for dean, there was a lack of women in this particular bar and he was stuck with us.

“Beers all around!” dean handed us each a bottle and followed sam over to the pool table.

After about three games and quite a few more drinks, we headed back to the car. I had stayed mostly sober so that dean could drink all he wanted, at some point i had snaked his keys out of his pocket. He never would have given them to me without a fight- even if he had been sober. Sam got him into the back seat and i set off in search of a half decent motel for us to spend the night in.

“A month left. And were no where closer to finding Lilith than we were three months ago,” Sam said when it was clear that Dean was asleep.

“Well get there. Lilith has to be looking for us, so its only a matter of time”

“We should head back to Bobby’s soon and go over all of the books again” sam suggested. We kept talking until i pulled off towards a rest stop with a motel.

I opened the door and Sam plopped dean down on the bed closest to the door.

“Im gonna grab a shower and wash this dive smell off,” i headed towards the bathroom.

I turned on the water as hot as it would go and just stood under it. It was the first time in a few days i had to truly relax, we had back to back hunts for the last week and that meant being constantly alert. Thus, it was no surprise that the first time I had to relax i got hit with a wave of grief and exhaustion. I collapsed on the shower floor and cried, i cried for dean and his deal, I cried for Sam who was about to lose his brother, and i cried for me because i was gonna loose my best friend, the most important person in the world to me. By the time I was able to breath again the water had gone cold.

When I walked out of the bathroom in my PJs Sam had crashed in the other bed, leaving me to crawl in next to Dean. This was how we ended up most nights, me and Dean and then sam either in the next bed or the next room. This was as close to a real partnership as i had ever had, and it wasnt even the real thing. We hadnt slept together after that second time, but i was gonna take everything i could before he was gone.

Deans POV

Everyday is closer to my own personal doomsday. But I already feel like im in hell, seeing Sammy’s face fall everytime he looks at me is hell. Seeing Y/N try to keep me at arms length in the day but crawl under shitty motel covers and hold me at night. I pretend that I let it happen for her, but thats not true. Not that she or Sammy needs to know that. They dont need to know im scared, that would put too much on their shoulders. They dont need that. I can see how much they are trying to put on a good face for me and I would hate if I was the one that ruined that for them.

I can tell its close. I can feel Hell laying its claim on my soul. WI just hope that the last thing I see before I get dragged to hell will be Y/N’s face. I cant burden her with how I feel when im about to die. I just cant see the disgust on her face and then die. So i keep it to myself. We know where Lilith is, its only a matter of time before we go looking for her. Or they go looking for her.

Y/Ns POV

Hes just laying there, the hellhounds tore apart his chest and now hes just laying there. But its not him. Not anymore. Now hes just a shell, his final words frozen on his face. What do we do now? What do I do now? I left behind my life to hunt with him, and Sam, and now hes gone.

Sam is angry. Like burn the world down kill anything that fucks with him angry. And Bobby, Bobby is broken. Like drink the days away broken. I cant help Sam, he wont let me and I dont have it in me to fight with him right now. And maybe I cant help Bobby, but I can at least be there with him and offer a shoulder for when he does let me help.

-----four months later-----

I haven't seen Sam since we burned Deans body, but i've been helping Bobby as best he’ll let me. Most days that meant spending the day following him around with some food trying to get him to consume something that isn't booze and the nights trying to get him to put down the books and go to sleep. And when that inevitably fails I cover him with a blanket and turn the lights off before I crash on the couch.

Its been almost four months since I held Deans lifeless body in my arms. Since I saw the hell hounds tear him apart. Since I realized I would never be the same without him.

#supernatural oneshot #supernatural imagine #dean x reader #dean reader insert #dean winchester x reader #dean fluff #dean winchester angst

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obsessive-ego · 4 years

Text

Green vibe

Musical Beetlejuice xfemreader

After you caught beetlejuice with your vibrator, you were mad at him, he trys to win you over with a replacement.

WARNING nsft content, voyeurism, possessed vibrator, yeah with a clueless reader

Part one

You couldnt help but laugh at the contents of the gift, a few days ago you caught your pal beetlejuice with your vibrator in his mouth, you were so upset at this breach of privacy, you decided to just ignore him, there was no point in being upset or angry with him, he never took anything seriously anyway, let alone your feelings. The rest of that day was so weird, it was like he wasnt even there, he avoided you, and you him, when Lydia summoned him back, there were no 'good byes' or warnings, just a cloud of smoke and silence, you thought nothing of this, eventually you'll forgive him, and things will be fine, but right now, you wanted to be upset.

But this, an apology gift? You honestly never would have guessed beetlejuice was capable of apologizing, let alone with a gift. You couldnt help but laugh through your nose when you saw the contents, a bright green vibrator, a little bottle of lube, and a note. As embarrassing as it is to have the ghoul pick out a sex toy for you, his heart was in the right place at least, maybe the Maitlands suggested this, the apology gift part at least, probably not the whole sex toy part.

The note though, his hand writing was a mess, but you've had professors with worse.

"Sorry I put your vibrator in my mouth, here is a brand new, NEVER BEEN OPENED one, and some lube to get the party started, PS this one is a tad bigger ;)"

'Never been opened' you inspect the package, factory seal still intact, you sigh, glancing back at the note, you blush rereading the part saying 'this one is a tad bigger' the idea of the demon remembering your old toy's size and deciding you needed a bigger one made a shiver run up your spine.

As awful and chaotic as he could be, there was a part of him that honestly ment well, despite all of his glaring flaws you honestly really liked him, he was so much fun to have around, he was funny, creative, attractive, and charming in his own gross way.

You bite your bottom lip, today was a shitty day at work, maybe you could try it out, let off some steam, but first, is the demon is question around? How did this box even get here? I mean he's magic, so, either way you do a sweep of your apartment just in case.

With the coast being clear you decide its safe. You take the toy out of its box, Beej wasnt kidding it was bigger, you sigh and take it to the bathroom to clean it.

As you busied yourself, you shiver, shrugged it off as nerves, unknown to you Beetlejuice was standing right beside you, giddy as can be, of course he made himself invisible to you. Earlier that day he begged Lydia to take him to your apartment so he could apologize to you, the teen couldnt take his whining, and caved. A few months back you gave the kid a key to your place so she could feed your cat when you were out of town for a weekend, and never really asked for it back. You didnt live too far from the Deetz, give or take a 10 minute bus ride, or a 20 minute walk, so having the goth drop by wasnt uncommon or have her drop by summon beetlejuice and leave wasnt uncommon either.

"Gonna give me a show sweetheart? You're gonna love this thing doll, I promise~" beetlejuice was buzzing with excitement, he honestly didnt think youd try it out right away, he WAS gonna jump out and surprise you and see if you accept his apology, but kinda got caught up in watching you he forgot to become visible again.

Beetlejuice watches you dry off the vibrator, he couldnt help but drool, he loved watching you work with your hands, would love to have them work on him.

Walking back into your room, you close the door behind you, you live alone, but old habits die hard. You slip out of your pantyhose and skirt, oblivious to the wolf whistles and lecherous eyes.

Sliding off your panties, you slingshot them at the laundry pile and miss, Beej couldnt help but laugh "nice try babes, you ever need a hand with aiming, I dont mind being a target~" pointing to his face.

You plop down on the bed, propping up some pillows to get more comfortable, you were kinda nervous, this thing WAS bigger then the old one, and you've been meaning to get an upgrade, but still, taking a deep breath you reach for the little bottle of lube that was included to the apology gift.

Beetlejuice was sitting on the edge of you bed watching like a hawk, he nearly screamed when he saw you pick up the tiny bottle, the vibrator was untouched, but the bottle, he couldnt help himself, he spat in the lube before boxing it up, call it a more personal touch, or an indirect kiss.

Taking another deep breath you squirt a bit of the lube onto you hand, gently apply it to your vagina, you gasp at the cold contact. The demon was drooling at this, hair an electric pink, you were using his spit, sorta, to get yourself ready for a toy HE got you, he had no idea what he did to get such a stroke of luck but he wasnt complaining.

As you lube up the toy, beetlejuice began palming himself through his pants "come on sugar, you're gonna love this, there is no way you wont forgive me after this" he purred, not that you could hear him.

You mumble a soft 'okay' as you carefully slide the toy in, you've done this multiple times before, but the fact that this was a new toy, a new size, made you a tad nervous, being stretched a little further then usual, did feel good.

"That's it Sugar, that's it, you're doing so well, you like that? Nice and thick, just like yours truly~"

you sigh, toy fully inside.

"Take your time sweets, make sure you're well adjust" the demon coos, freeing his cock from its prison.

You turn the toy on, buzzing to life, you jump and curse, even on the lowest setting it had power. After you regain your composure, you begin pumping the vibe in and out, already panting, and moaning, beetlejuice begins matching you pace for bit before picking it up.

"Alright sweetheart, its showtime"

With a snap of his fingers the vibrator begins pumping itself, matching the ghouls pace, buzzing harder then orginally set.

"What the fuck?!" You shriek, gasping and squirming, you let go of the vibe, watching it move on it's own, a weird mix of horror and arousal, what the fuck what going on?! Maybe you should have read the box, or instructions, your train of thought was interrupted by the vibrator picking up its pace, you roll your head back shouting curses and praise on how good it feels.

"You like that sugar?" The demon purrs leaning over you, as hot as it would be to fuck you proper, possessing a toy to fuck you was still incredibly sexy, and the fact that you were openly enjoying it was the icing on the cake.

"PLEASE Beetlejuice, thank you!" You scream, hips bucking hard.

The ghoul flinches, yes it was hot to hear you scream his name, but you didnt put two and two together did ya? You can be clueless at times, but...

"FUCK" you shout cumming hard.

"Already? Sweets? I'm still working on my own" he demon sighs, "I know you're a one and done type sweetheart, but today, how bout we change that?~" his voice drops to that low seductive tone that would make a shiver run up your spine, not that you could hear him.

The buzzing has stopped, the movement has stop, you lay there basking in the aftermath slowly regaining your breath, sighing, it hasnt been that good in a long while, you reach for the box the toy came in to see what was up with that setting, before you could reach the box the buzzing started again, you flinched still being sensitive from your first orgasm. Your old toy used to do that, turn on and off for no reason, so you didnt find it odd, you go to turn off and pull out the vibe, when the intensity ramps up and the pumping starts up again.

"Round 2 sugar" the ghoul coos "nice and sensitive, and soaking wet for me~" beetlejuice begins pumping his cock again, starting off slow, then gradually picking up speed, the vibrator matched his pace, Beej drooled at the sight of you, an absolute mess, because of him, hair a mess, legs shaking, flushed, on the brink of tears, he loved it, he wanted you so bad, to pound you into the mattress for real, but you were so clueless to his advances.

You were so nice to him all the time, you laugh at his jokes, let him scare whoever is dumb enough to knock on your door, yeah you two fought, but you always came around, but this time he thought he owed you a proper apology.

"Come on sugar, you look so good for me, you like that? Yeah you do, come for me sweetheart, give me all that you got" the ghoul whispers in your ear, bucking hard into his hand, the shout as the vibrator mimicked his actions, beetlejuice couldnt help but chuckle at the beautiful sounds he was getting from you.

Beetlejuice begins a punishing pace stocking his cock, he was close, could you blame him? The sight of his breather an absolute hot mess plus the noises you were making? He's surprised he lasted this long. But he needed you to come first since he was possessing the toy.

With the pace beetlejuice has set, had you shaking, "Fuck, I can't, I'm gonna-please, Beej!" You babbled

Beetlejuice has spied on you during your private time more then once, it was always music to his ears when he herd you say his name during that special time.

"BEETLEJUICE!" And with that you came for the second time, bucking your hips hard, beetlejuice came shortly after, helping you ride out the orgasm with the vibe, he slowly turned down the buzzing till it stopped completely. Once you came back down, you were quick to remove the toy, and good as it was, you were too exhausted for anymore, and feeling a tad dizzy.

"Have fun sweets?" Do you forgive me?~" Bj coos, not that you could hear, he straightens himself up, wiping his cum covered hand on his pants.

Once you're back together you finally pick up the box the vibrator came in, you sigh when you see the word 'Netherworld', that explains alot, he got this from the netherworld.

"A vibrator for the dead, dead or not, that was amazing" you sigh

Beetlejuice couldnt help but mimic your sigh, not that he needed to breath, thank god slash satan for oblivious nature.

"I guess I can forgive that dumbass" you mumble as you redress yourself, the demon still sitting on the edge of your bed does a little fist pump, mission accomplished, he'll probably reveal himself to you in an hour or so.

Staring at the freshly used vibrator while he waited for you to leave the room, hoping he'd get the chance to 'clean it for you' this time, but of course you were the tidy type, and snatched it right from under him.

Well at least you forgive him now.

Bonus

Later on that evening, You were in the kitchen making fried rice, simple but yummy, as you stirred around the contents of the pan you start to zone out.

"what's cooking good looking?" a familiar gravely voice whispers in your ear.

You nearly jump out of your skin

"BEETLEJUICE!" You shout, the demon couldnt help but laugh.

"Love that loud voice of yours sweetheart, bet it sounds great in the bedroom~" he laughs

You sigh, trying to collect any dignity you had left "when did you get here?"

"Lyd's and I were messing with your neighbors and she ditched me here, kid's today" he shrugs.

That wasnt the first time that has happened so you believe him.

"SO, did you get my gift? Did you like it? Did you take It for a spin?~" he purrs that last part wiggling his eyebrows.

Blushing hard at what he was implying, you look at your feet and mumble a quick yes.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Do you forgive me?~" beetlejuice's face was inches from yours, eager for the awnser he already knew. You nodded, and the demon pulls you into a tight hug and spins you around like a rag doll.

"PERFECT! So did you enjoy it?~ on a scale from 1 to me, how hot was the ride?~" he cooed finally coming to a halt.

"BEETLEJUICE!"

He laughed at your embarrased expression, he was thrilled to have his breather on his side again.

#nsft #beetlejuice x reader #muscial beetlejuice x reader

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astrozones · 3 years

Note

Ive seen someone block you over this and make an "expose post" about you and whilst I see both sides especially since Thomas is burnt out but when all is said and done can you please all stop harassing creators who have "negative" opinions its just not if not even more rude.

If you really hate seeing Thomas being criticized please block don't make "expose" posts and move on.

Because your toxic positivity is not creating a healthy environment in this fandom. Yes Thomas is a human being but people are still allowed to have opinions.

Especially if your an actor you have to face the toughness of these opinions whether they're right or wrong.

I'm not naming names and I'm going to block that user because I'm fed up of people not allowing criticism in this fandom.

Also anyone who harsses me in my asks will be blocked because I'm tired of it.

Well I don't really know what you're referencing and thanks for the support (?) but to be honest? I'm done with the post. I've deleted the stuff about it because it's only gonna make me cry later on. Some people really can't seem to accept that people can be angry at a creator, even if they understand the situation.

I'm tired. I was hoping for a bit of understanding and I guess people decided to dig up old dirt about me or smth, I dunno, I can't find the post, obviously. If it's something I disagree with now, most likely I've apologized for it, and if I haven't, it's because I, dunno, repressed it probably.

But fun fact: I'm 16. I'm a MINOR. Maybe I'll regret my kind of thinking later. How insane do you have to be to make "expose" posts about a minor?? A person who's mind hasn't completely developed yet? There are PLENTY of opinions I'm going to have change before I reach 18, and even then my opinions will change.

I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to have opinions. I'm allowed to change. I'm allowed to be a kid.

I'm so tired. I might delete this too. I just needed to scream it in my little unimportant corner of the internet. Please dont go and attack anyone over this, if anyone cares enough to think about doing that.

im exhausted with arguing. i shouldn't have posted it even if thomas wont see it because my mental state is low and i shouldve guessed it would make me upset but it was the middle of the night and i was angry. im tired

#astrozones

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violetteviolence · 5 years

Text

okay so like one thing I actually cant stop thinking about post kh3 is like

the three people most connected to sora mourning him post final battle and watching how each of these boys whose entire beings were once a part of sora deal with him just being gone like

Riku cant sleep. cant even force his body to remember how now that he knows he wont be dropping into soras dreams to eat his nightmares. that first night was the worst. riku reached and pushed their bond to the far edges of all the worlds and still he couldn't feel him, the dream eater mark on his back was silent and cold as ice. now it's so faint, this whole year later.

when he finally convinced himself to fall asleep that night and see if he could reach sora that way, there was nowhere to drop into. just empty darkness. he wakes up screaming.

ever since then he spends his nights at Cids computer. running the data simulators. taking screenshots of fake versions of all of them playing on the beach, going to other worlds together, laughing... being happy.... the way it was supposed to be.

riku stares at those pixels till it feels like his eyes are on fire. he'll get him back. hes going to get him back. he has to.

Roxas feels hollow, like a piece of his midsection is just missing and hes so off balance. half the time hes numb, the other half hes so so angry. it feels almost like it did with the organization. almost. once again he doesnt have any answers and he feels lost and powerless, just like back then.

but axel and xion are here. they're alive and they're safe and roxas does his best to take comfort in that. he has riku and the others too, namine and kairi give him such soft smiles. so it stops him from slipping too far into the darkness. still. theres this pain, like a phantom limb. a burning connection his heart knows should be there but isnt. it eats at him. makes his heart restless. its reaching out out out and it keeps coming back empty. one question keeps coming back to him... how can a nobody ever hope to be whole again.... when their somebody is gone?

Ventus is angry. frustrated. full of a million regrets and "I should have" and "we could'ves." Xehenort was their problem. they failed to stop him back then and that's why sora had to sacrifice himself now. to save them. to save him. because he wasnt strong enough. again. so he trains and trains and pushes himself till his legs give out. till the callouses on his hands bleed.

aqua and terra are watchful and worried, of course they loved sora, but neither of them exactly spent 17 years inside the kids heart, so they're really out of their element here. ventus cries to them under the stars one night, frustrated and exhausted, about how sora protected him for so long, how many times did sora save him? and ven just let him... let them both slip through his fingers. just like always. in the end he hasnt protected anyone. maybe... maybe he never really did. maybe he only breaks things. and maybe hes been breaking things for a really really long time. terra and aqua dont know what to say, so they just hold him and listen.

#kingdom hearts #kh3 #sora #riku #roxas #ventus #kingdom hearts 3 #jack.speaks

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creacherkeeper · 4 years

Note

Hi! It’s the genderqueer autie anon who messaged you way back when. :) I completely understand if this is too personal of a question and you of course don’t have to answer, but do you have any advice for not feeling so ashamed of making social mistakes around neurotypical folks? The social anxiety hits me so hard and I don’t know what to do. In any case, I hope you’re doing well and having a lovely day!

hey anon! good to hear from you. i’m happy to discuss this, always willing to talk about this kind of thing ^^

there are some things that are good to remember when approaching situations like this

youre allowed to make mistakes. its a part of learning and growing

you’re allowed to take up space, and your autism is allowed to take up space

“history is told by the victors” well social situations are told by the neurotypicals, but it is literally just an interpretation and not fact

good people pay way less attention to your mistakes than you do

okay so lets unpack some of that?

making mistakes

first off, i completely understand why this would give you anxiety. the social realm can be super weird and scary, and it has a lot of rules that may not always be obvious to us! but think of yourself like an explorer. sometimes there are close calls, and you might even get hurt! but when you find a new booby trap, a new pitfall, a spot of quick sand - you can mark it down on your map. yes, these situations are scary. but all the time youre learning about your environment, learning about people, learning the rules. find people who its okay to ask questions, and ask them, genuinely, why was that bad? why did that person get upset? why did everyone get embarrassed? try to take the answers for what they are without getting defensive. you’re an explorer, and that includes learning about the local cultures without imposing your own judgement and point of view. i’ll tell you now, you won’t always understand the reason behind the rules. sometimes learning where not to walk is enough, even if you don’t know how the trap works

taking up space

you have just as much of a right to be here as NTs. you have just as much of a right to have friends. you have as much of a right to be autistic as they do to be NT. you do not have to be ashamed of the fact that you’re autistic and that you will interpret information and situations in an autistic way. as much as its your weakness, its also your strength. that doesn’t always feel true, especially when people give you a hard time about it. but i promise with all my heart, autism is a perfectly valid and inherently valuable way to see the world.

i used to be very bad at social situations. i was the weird kid that always got left behind. no one wanted to talk to me about serious things because they didn’t trust me to react right, because i wasn’t good with emotions. and you know what? i was hurt by that. because i didn’t know what i was doing wrong. so i decided to change! i wanted to be a person people could trust. i wanted to help people. i learned to listen. i learned to ask questions and really listen when people answered. i learned when or when not to speak, to comfort, to fix. i’m not perfect at it, i’ll tell you that much. but you’ll be surprised how much people appreciate a genuine person who wants to help, and clear communication. “do you need to vent, or do you want advice?” is a godsend. “i’m really sorry that happened, that sounds really upsetting. is there anything i can do?” will go a long way. SCRIPTS ARE YOUR FRIENDS. scripts don’t mean you aren’t genuine. and you know what? a lot of people come to me with their upsets now because i see things from a perspective they hadn’t considered, and some people really appreciate frank conversation. autism isn’t your enemy, you just need to learn how to guide it

victors

the universe isn’t neurotypical. like i know that sounds weird. but the universe isn’t cosmically judging your actions from a NT lens. there is not more inherent value to a NT pov of a social situation than there is an autistic one. the only difference is NTs think they make the rules, and that youre breaking them. but here’s the secret! there are no rules! literally nothing about social interactions are written in the stars, in our blood. its all made up. and why is it always our job to change for them? you don’t have to run the whole race, a friendship is supposed to be a relay. you get halfway there, and they take the torch. let your friends meet you halfway, and more importantly, ask them to do that. because they wont think of it themselves. just because they see something a certain way doesn’t mean its Correct. ask them to see things from your pov. you’ll get better at explaining your pov with practice. NT feelings dont always take priority. just because theyre embarrassed, upset, angry, just know that it doesnt automatically mean you’re wrong. sometimes theres just a difference in perspective

good people

this one is really hard to learn. i’ll fully admit that. if you’ve gone to school, you know how people give presentations? and theyre always sweaty and nervous like if they mess up maybe they’ll die. you know how when you give your presentation it feels like you’re under the spotlight, but when other people are giving theirs ...... your mind kind of wanders? you’re thinking of other things. maybe you’ll laugh if they say something funny, maybe you’ll clap when they’re done. i’m just saying, no one is paying as much attention to you as you are. you’re always your most attentive audience. if people really are picking on your ‘mistakes’ so much that its feeding your anxiety and making you more vigilant ... those aren’t good people to be around, and that’s their problem, not yours. trust me, half of the stuff they pick at isn’t even wrong, they just need to say something mean to make themselves feel better, so they’ll find anything they can. most of these people are REALLY self conscious and they have to pick on stuff about you in desperate fear that you wont notice anything about them. you shouldn’t take their comments to heart. but if you have friends who really support you .... they probably don’t care as much as you do when you mess up? something that feels like a big deal to you is probably a blip on their radar and nothing more. sometimes i overthink things and obsess so much over stuff i said, and then the friend is like “i dont remember that lol”. again, if your friends care about this little stuff to the point where they’re getting onto you for it, it’s not that youre bad at social situations, its that theyre being shitty friends. cut yourself some slack. a good person doesn’t care as much as you think they do

one more thing that i think needs to be mentioned:

learn how to apologize. this is a big one. i know its weird, i know its awkward, exhausting. but a sincere apology means a lot. and it takes strength and bravery to really mean it and say so. learning to apologize without guilt tripping, without panicking, or putting the other person on the spot, is one of the most important skills you can learn. a good apology should help you both. it’s the most important factor in moving on from a social blunder, and once you learn to do it well, will get rid of a lot of guilt during times when you really do mess up

that got long winded ^^ i hope even a little bit of it helped. please let me know if there’s anything else you want me to talk about, i’m a rambling machine waiting to be sprung

#long post #autism #ActuallyAutistic #actually autistic #seriously its no sweat nonny i'll talk about most anything #Anonymous

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happys-crazy-queen22 · 5 years

Text

Taking Care Of Business

Gif credit @benson-shelby

A requested from wattpad

Hope you all enjoy

Happy Reading Dollies

"Alright crew listen up, I want you to meet the newest member. My daughter Y/N". Hank introduced you even though you knew half the team already. Standing by your dad's side you were nervous. You had big shoes to fill and people didn't think you could cut it in the big leagues.

"Hey guys". You waved, Erin gave you a thumbs up and a wink.

"So since its her first day I want it to go smoothly. I'm pairing you up with Antonio". Hank nodded to Antonio who was on the phone.

Erin frowned. "I thought she was with me"?

"Two women pairing together spells trouble. I know you Erin. She's with Antonio". Hank sternly said.

"Fine". She pouted as you laughed.

"This is your first case. It should be an easy one. Just listen to Antonio". Hank told you with his hand on your shoulder.

"Dad I can do the hard cases. I'm trained in this and I have learned from the best".

"Flattering is not going to get you no where. Now do as you're told".

"I love you, be careful". He kissed your head.

"Will do Sergeant Voight".

"Smart ass". He mumbled under his breath

You walked over to Antonio who was hanging up the phone and grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair.

"Here's our case file". You handed it to him.

"Okay but I have to stop somewhere first".

"Fine".

You followed Antonio down the stairs and to the car. He didnt say where you were going but you knew that it wasn't on the list of easy cases that Voight gave you.

"So you cool with me being your partner"? You asked, his eyes never leaving the road.

"I'm not up for babysitting so watch your back". He huffed turning down an alley.

"Right". You just wanted to cry. Feeling that Antonio was angry that you got partnered with him instead of someone else.

Pulling up to a old abandon house, it was boarded up. But the front door was new.

"Wait in the car". Antonio spoke harshly.

"You're not going in there alone, it's against the protocol. A sketchy place like this means trouble".

"I said stay". He demanded. You nodded your head and sighed back into the seat.

You pulled out your phone seeing a text from your dad. "How's the case going"? He asked.

You didn't know what to tell him so you said it was easy. Like he wanted. As you pressed send you heard a gun shot rang in the air.

"Antonio". You yelled out. Oh god not on your first day does someone die.

A big and tall male suspect ran out the front door with a gun in his hand. You went to check on Antonio, he was fine and waved you on. He was sitting on another suspect on the floor.

You saw the guys head over the fence as you ran along. Following him carefully, he kept looking over his shoulder but you stayed hidden. You didnt see the gun either he must have thrown it when you went to check on Antonio.

Pulling your gun you called out. "Police stop. Hands on your head". Now you were behind him pointing the gun at his head. If he tried anything you'd shoot.

"I'm not being taken to jail by some bitch". He snarled.

"It's either that or a body bag. Your choice".

He raised his hands but quickly maneuvered and slapped the gun out of your hand. He wrestled you to the ground as you went to get the gun.

His hands were around your throat. You claws at his face and he released. He stood up about to run but you brought your leg up you kicked him in the groin. He dropped to his knees with a thud. You punched him in the face a couple times. Stepping back to catch your breath. Taking out your hand cuffs you told him to lay down on the ground. He laughed holding himself. You swiftly kicked him in the jaw. He went splat on the ground. Hurrying to huff him while he was down.

"I guess you chose to get taken to prison by the bitch. Good choice. I didnt want all that paper work and a kill on my first day ". You grunted as you pulled him to his feet.

Trying to keep him in check and walk at the same time was a little difficult when he wouldn't listen to directions.

"You caught him"? Antonio praised with a smile.

"It was easy". You simply said with a shrug of your shoulder.

Antonio looked over the guys face. Blood was tripling down his chin and scratches littered his face. You had dirt all over you, your hair was a mess and you hand blood and skin under your nails

"You sure about that"?

"Yeah". You let out a breath of relief when he got into the car and settled down. Closing the door in his face. "I dont need to be babysat". You held your breath getting in the car maybe it would help you not hurt so much, you thought.

"You need to go to MED"?

"No I'm good. Thanks though".

"Listen I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier".

"Antonio, it's cool. I wouldnt want to train the newbie either".

"It's not that. It means I can't ask you on a date". Antonio started the car. You sat there with a smile on your face. You didn't know Antonio felt that way about you.

Going back to the station, you were exhausted. Your head hurt and you needed a nice cold drink. But you couldn't stop thinking about what Antonio said.

"Are you okay"? Hank looked you over.

"Yes, I'm fine". You groaned as you went up the first step.

"Antonio's on desk duty when I see him". Hank growled.

"Why"? If you had gotten him in trouble you definitely couldn't date him.

"He put you in harm's way".

"I was doing my job. If you're going to give me the easy cases then I will go to a different station".

"I just worry about you".

"Don't. I kicked ass today. I can take care of myself ask the suspect that's is in medical with a fractured jaw and swollen testicles". You smiled widely when Hank chuckled.

"That's my girl". Hank playfully hit your shoulder.

"Hey Y/N I heard what you did today. That guy was like eight feet tall and a big guy way to go". Trudy congratulated you on your first case.

"Thanks Trudy".

You were headed back up the step with Voight. When.

"You wrestled a bear"? Adam came down the steps stopping at you.

"A bear in Chicago"?

"I heard it was a bear". Adam looked between Hank and you. Hank shook his head.

"What? That's what I heard". Adam started walking off.

"Well it wasn't it was a drug dealer". "If you will excuse me I'm going to take some Advil and lie down". You said taking off up the stairs. Ouchs being heard.

Antonio came up behind Voight as Adam left.

"I'm sorry".

"You could have gotten her killed or yourself". "What were you thinking"?

"I got a call from a informer telling me there were drugs being sold and I knew something had to be done".

"You should have called for back up".

"I told her to stay in the car".

"Y/N doesn't listen and if she did then you wouldn't be standing here right now".

"Again sorry. I wont do it again".

"Damn right you won't. Don't make me regret putting her with you".

"I won't".

"She did good today". Antonio said trying to break the tension.

"She did, didnt she"? Hank was proud.

"Yeah a real badass. Just like her dad". Antonio slapped Voights back.

"A badass? My daughter"? "Don't tell her that she'll think she can do anything, I want her safe". Voight told Antonio.

"Got it".

"But I'm glad you partnered her up with me. I think she can show me a thing or two".

"That thing better stay in your pants Dawson".

"Get your mind out of the gutter". "I meant she may teach me some new combat moves". Antonio laughed as he went up stairs. But he wouldn't mind you making a move on him for sure. That was later to come cause he got to spend all day with you and you were trying to hide the sneaking around from Voight.

#antonio dawson #chicago pd antonio dawson #antonio dawson fanfiction #antonio dawson x reader #antonio dawson imagine #Chicago PD #chicago pd fanfiction #hank voight #hank voight chicago pd

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harryisntstraight · 5 years

Note

Bethan, i need your updated version of the larry timeline right now (or as soon as you have the time to do it lmao)

my timeline still stands as follows:

2010-2011: happy as well…..larry……everything is new and exciting and a tad overwhelming but they’re gross and obsessed with eachother and maybe a little bit scared about what exactly this feeling is but it’s mostly all just a joke and a laugh and louis can brush it off as nothing when maybe the touches linger a little bit too long. knows he hasnt felt like this about anyone or at least not any boy before put puts it down to the weird circumstances they’ve found eachother in and the intensity of the whole experience and the fact that harry is just harry and everyone seems to be at least a little bit in love with harry. harry doesnt think too much about anything when it comes to louis bc he’s just too busy lapping up all the attention he gets from him and bathing in it and feeling warm warm warm and it’s not like he can see any reason why that might have to stop and he’s enjoying it too much in the mean time

2012: things start to get more overwhelming and a bit more scary but now there’s not the excitement or the newness to blame it on bc they’ve been living together for ages and it’s harder to pass off a drunken kiss as just that when it was only one pint and louis has been noticing harry staring at his lips since before they even moved in together. and other people notice it too and that starts to become something neither of them really know how to handle. people online talking about them has been happening since day one but it keeps getting louder and its harder to laugh it off when it almost feels like if things were different there might be some truth to it. but there isnt. because louis has a girlfriend and harry has sort of had girlfriends and even though all harry wants to do sometimes is crawl into louis bed he can’t bc eleanor is there and she’s always there these days and its not like he can tell her to go away. maybe one night it all comes to a head when they’re back from tour and are alone together for the first time in too long and maybe they’ve had something to drink and they’re exhausted and stressed and don’t know how to get back to the way they were before. and harry will say something stupid and reach out to touch louis face and then they’re kissing but only for a second before louis is pushing him away and wont look him in the eye. harry shouts at him and its weird bc he never shouts and thats when he knows he has to move out

2013: they dont live together anymore and neither of them know if they’re even really still friends and that might be the worst part because before they were anything else they were best friends. harry has new best friends now and they’re cool and trendy and older and take him to gay bars and talk about things he’s never talked about before and thats when he starts to find himself, or at least think about finding himself. doesnt know if its coincidence that thats when he loses louis. they’re friendly at work, on stage and with the band they can laugh together and crack jokes but neither can remember the last time it was just them by themselves. they’re in eachothers heads a lot, probably too much and sometimes louis will even dream about harry but its always like he’s looking at him through murky water. features a bit distorted and never within touching distance. something stopping him from reaching out. harry will still catch himself staring at louis occasionally but he has other things, other people to keep him occupied for the most part. sometimes he’ll get home at four in the morning to an empty flat and he’ll think about how louis would always want a cup of tea as soon as they got in and how harry was always the one that made it for him. he’ll fall asleep on the sofa with his jeans on to the sound of the kettle clicking as it boils in the kitchen

2014 - 2015: harry grows his hair long and louis thinks it looks ridiculous but wonders how soft it might feel to touch. rolls his eyes at the way harrys always winding it through his fingers. the band are breaking up, and it’s bittersweet. as are most things these days. it was harrys suggestion and first louis was angry and then he was relieved and then he felt guilty and then angry again but now he thinks he’s alright with it. he knows that when it’s over him and harry are over. knows harry won’t text him or call to make plans and knows it would hurt his own pride too much if he tried because harry wouldn’t humour him with a response. so he tries, really tries to make the most of what time they’ve got left together. chats to him backstage, laughs at his jokes in interviews, even goes as far as to say his name on stage once. and at the final show they both know it’s coming, was inevitable really. they go in for the hug and just before it happens harry catches louis shrug at him nonchalantly, like he’s doing harry some kind of massive favour by wrapping his arms around him one last time. harry almost expects to feel something and it catches him off guard when instead it’s just nothing. no aching or longing for a few seconds more and he doesn’t even realise until later it was the first time louis had properly touched him in years. louis does. the smell of harrys aftershave is overwhelming and he can feel the sprinkling of stubble on his jaw brush against his. their knees bang together and louis can feel the hot skin of harrys back through the cotton of his shirt. harry pulls away first and louis wishes everyone else in the arena would fuck off so he could say goodbye properly

2016: harry texts louis ‘Congratulations, hope everything went well. You’re going to be a great dad. - H x’ and louis doesn’t text him back. he opens the message so the notification clears but he doesn’t respond and he doesn’t delete it. just leaves it there. louis doesn’t have harry’s number saved so for once the H sign off actually comes in handy. harry drafted and deleted the text 8 different times before he sent it. contemplated calling but didn’t think he could bear it. he doesn’t get upset when louis doesn’t respond. never really expected him to anyway

2017-2018: harry doesn’t really party that much anymore. has been busy with work and the album and the tour and prefers smaller social gatherings with a couple of friends. but one night he finds himself out in london with old school friends, dipping in and out of clubs in soho. louis parties a lot these days. it makes him feel good and he likes the loud music and new people and how he feels a bit more weightless. the last person he expects to bump into is harry and for a moment he really doesn’t even recognise him. he looks out of place but comfortable with it and without thinking about it louis is calling him over. they chat for a while about nothing important before harry says ‘well it was nice seeing you again’ and louis knows it was a lie. ‘yeah mate, you too’ are their parting words before harry disappears into the sea of people inside a nightclub and louis thinks maybe if this was a few years ago he wouldn’t have let him leave so easily

2019: they don’t think about eachother apart from when they do. and when they do it’s few and far between. maybe harry will open twitter and louis will be trending and he might read some of his tweets. he can close the app and louis will stay tucked inside it, no thoughts of him sneaking out and sticking to harry the way they used to. and for louis, it’s mostly the same. harry is harry and everyones a little bit in love with harry, you weren’t special for that, he tells himself. on the odd occasion he fantasises about the future, about being properly old and seeing harry again. having some kind of heart to heart and apologising for hurting him, for hurting eachother. they were so young back then but he still feels young now, like everything still needs time to sink in before either of them are ready to dig it back up again. for now he’s happy, and harry is happy too. it happened the way it happened and neither of them can change the past. if they were supposed to be friends, they probably still would be. and they would miss eachother more than they do now. there’s always going to be a bit of one in the other, etched into their skin like a white scar that never seems to fade away. and perhaps they like it that way

#me 5 mins ago: no i absolutey cannot write a larry drabble in fact i refuse why would u even ask me that #me now: so here's this #Anonymous

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