#maybe ill try writing up something proper sometime. because its truly just. the best

[humanmorph]

now that ikoku nikki has finished at 54 chapters. can you all read it because it is my Favourite slice of life manga

[meow-bebe]

Elusive

The First installment of my Neo Classics collection, ‘Elusive’ is set in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.

“Ten Lee throws the most extravagant parties in New York, though he rarely seems to be in attendance himself. When you find yourself in his mansion one warm June evening, you aim to find the elusive Ten Lee and get a bit more than you bargained for.”

Paring: Ten Lee x reader, Jung Jaehyun x reader

Genre: Roaring 20s au, Jazz Age au, The Great Gatsby au

Warnings: quite a bit of alcohol, general debauchery, mentions of adultery, mentions of smoking, this one gets a bit suggestive (heavy make out session, removal of outer layers)

Word count: 6.4k

Tonight’s soundtrack: Booty Swing - Parov Stelar, It Ain’t Over - Monsta X, Catgroove - Parov Stelar, Miss Jackson - Panic! at the Disco, Love Talk - WayV, Nicotine - Panic! at the Dicso

A/n: hiya! before you read, i’d just like to say that this fic is my pride and joy. Its my child. It took me over a month to plan out and write, is the longest thing ive ever written, and im very very proud of it. so please, if you enjoyed elusive give it a reblog! send me an ask! just scream in the tags, but let me know you enjoyed it! ill appreciate it more than you can ever know, and it will definitely help to give me motivation to keep working on the next parts of neo classics. 

“The bar is in full swing, and floating rounds of cocktails permeate the garden outside, until the air is alive with chatter and laughter, and casual innuendo and introductions forgotten on the spot, and enthusiastic meetings between women who never knew each other’s names.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

In all of New York, fanciful, expensive, outrageous New York, there was one man known far and wide for his parties. Those in attendance always returned touting fabulous stories of more liquor than an army could drink in a week, of the celebrities that shamelessly showed their faces, and of the cover that night and perhaps hundreds of people could offer to those wanting to make a fool of themselves or sneak off with a mistress. It couldn't be denied that they were possibly the best parties in the whole state. 

And the man behind it all? The elusive Ten Lee. 

Ten was an enigma, a figure shrouded in mystery despite opening his property to all those who fancied a wild night most weekends. Very little was known about him to the general public. Even many of those in his own social circle knew little to nothing about the man. Supposedly he had inherited most of his fortune, and having only begun taking up residence in New York in the past year or so there was quite a bit of speculation that he was foreign. Despite being the topic of many a gossip column, Ten wasn’t exactly a public figure, and it seemed that this absolute lack of information about him bled into the atmosphere of his extravaganzas as well. Many of his regular partygoers never bothered to question his presence, or lack thereof. Ten had always interested you, and upon your invitation to one of his grand functions, you had decided that this was the night you would meet the little known Mr. Lee. 

Not that you were truly invited, but not many people were. Most just came anyway, saying they knew someone who was involved with Ten, or they had known him before he claimed his inheritance and became the Mr. Lee that all high class New Yorkers knew of. (Or was there a time before? Perhaps he had started out just as anyone else and his sudden acclamation of a large sum of money led him to spend on the most frivolous of things. Or maybe the man had arrived from his mother’s womb as the classy and expensive bachelor he was known as. No one seemed to know.) No matter what their story was, each attendee often brought along several plus ones. Automobiles would bear them out to Long Island, and they would flood onto the lawn, ready to dance and drink and make good use of all the expensive treats Ten provided. 

It was through a friend that you found yourself being driven out to the island one evening in late June. This was not your first Lee party, and it would not be your last, however you, unlike many of the other guests, held on to some shred of dignity and only showed up when invited. Even if you were only brought along because Irene didn’t want to be seen alone, it was something. Not that she ever kept to herself for long. 

Irene, a close friend of many years, was a self proclaimed rising starlet, although in reality she had been a very minor character in two films. She could be a bit dramatic at times (as her “profession” called for), and her title as “actress” was certainly an exaggeration. Still, she was a dear friend to you no matter how much she liked to stroke her own ego. And using her small claim to fame, Irene had managed to worm her way into the heart and car of a man who was also trying to make his way in the film business. You suspected he was about as in the public eye as Irene. Nevertheless, he had managed to get an invitation through one of his higher-ups and invited Irene to accompany him, which of course meant you would be tagging along as well. And truly, it wasn’t as if you minded. You enjoyed a night out as much as the next person, and Irene was your ticket into many affairs you wouldn’t otherwise find yourself attending. 

There were a few others driving out with you, all chattering amongst themselves and buzzing with excitement for the coming night. Irene, placed strategically in the front seat,  appeared to have latched onto the driver as her catch of the night. This was expected, after all he had been the one to invite her. You didn’t fool yourself into thinking she would stay by your side for very long anyway, Irene was notorious for ditching you as soon as a particularly good looking man showed up. You were fine on your own, and didn’t usually mind being left to your own devices. Depending on where you were you often got the urge to explore, after all the rich lead different lives, and getting a glimpse of that was always a good time. Irene often encouraged you to find someone of your own to pass the time with, and while sometimes you would find someone who could hold a half decent conversation, it was never very high on the night’s agenda. Though it seems tonight, in a rare break from your usual habit of flying solo, you had found someone. An attractive young man who had been introduced to you as Mr. Jung was seated at your side, and had begun talking quietly with you as the automobile sped along towards the island. 

“You look quite dashing tonight, Miss一?”

His voice was deep and soft, gentle and just a tad bit sultry.

“Y/l/n. Y/n Y/l/n,” you fill in.

“Miss Y/n Y/l/n,” Mr. Jung muses, and though you’ve heard them many times before the familiar words feel different when he says them like that, perfectly proper in his every action  except for the slight seductive tone slipping through his barriers. A pleasant shiver runs down your spine as he takes your hand and presses a chaste kiss to your gloved fingers, the black of the silk making a nice contrast with his pretty pink lips. “A beautiful name, though not as beautiful as the one who holds it.”

You giggle, raising the hand not grasped in his to cover your mouth, and reply, “Oh Mr. Jung, how you flatter me.”

“Please,” he lets your fingers slip out of his, “just call me Jaehyun.” 

Well, perhaps not entirely proper, but there was no denying that you were enjoying the attention he was laying on you. Finding Ten Lee might be the final goal of tonight but he could be notoriously hard to find, and even if you did have ulterior motives there was no reason you shouldn't enjoy yourself in the meantime. Jaehyun had been nothing but gracious and flattering, and it never hurt to have a gorgeous man’s arm to cling to. You chat idly with Jaehyun for the rest of the ride out to Ten’s mansion, words flowing freely between you the whole time yet each learning not a single note worthy detail about the other. 

By the time you arrive, just before dusk is preparing to settle herself over the bay, the party is already in full swing. Though the real festivities begin once night falls, many guests arrive in the afternoon, early enough to enjoy the section of the beach that falls on Ten’s property. They swim in the green glass waves of the bay and generally enjoy everything that the mansion has to offer while it's still light out before changing into evening wear in one of the many spare rooms and coming down the wide marble staircases in pairs, ready to throw themselves into the pulsing energy of the night. 

The beach is now empty as the unfamiliar man in the front seat pulls into the long drive snaking up the lawn and tries to find a place to park amongst the crowd of other automobiles. People dressed to the nines, still in their swimming suits, and everything in between trail up the lawn, bright light and the sound of many people talking all at once enticing them towards the house. 

The car comes to a stop, finding a lucky spot not too far from the house, the excitement rolling off each and every person surrounding you palpable in the air. Jaehyun opens the door and steps out before offering a hand to help you down. You take it with a slight smile, T-strap heels clicking against the pavement as you dismount and shut the door. The hand placed on top of Jaehyun’s quickly found its way to his elbow as he leads you up the lawn towards the french doors, thrown wide open and spilling the bright light that illuminated the inside and the growing noise of the party as people traversed in and out of the house. 

Irene and the driver were not far behind you, a familiar flirtatious bounce in her step as they traipse up the lawn. You knew from the way she looked at him一predatorial, like she was going to devour him but make him feel like he was the one doing the stalking一that you wouldn’t be seeing much of her after a certain point in the night. This wasn’t uncommon for Irene, she always said she liked the “thrill of the chase without having to do the chasing.” You supposed your own plans for tonight weren’t all that different, what with your search for the host. Usually that would’ve bothered you, as you didn’t particularly approve of Irene’s galavanting at events she shouldn’t really be present at in the first place, but tonight you were too wrapped up in the events unfolding to care all that much. 

The tiered silk of your dress swished against your calves, the heavy beading giving it a swing which accentuated the swing of your hips that grew with your confidence as you made your way up the wide steps leading to Ten’s front door. With each stride you take forward the noise inside seemed to dull a bit, fading away until it was just a buzzing murmur in the background. Your vision zeroes in on the mahogany doors, a small window to what felt almost like a whole other universe contained inside the mansion. You tended to get star-struck easily, but there was something different about the feeling tonight. An excitement burned in your veins, one you had never felt before, as if your body was in the know about some mysterious outcome or event of tonight. It felt as though you were surrounded by a bubble of water that hazed over the silhouettes of people and faded the harmonies of the symphony buzzing somewhere inside, laughter and the faint clinking of glasses tinny in your ears. 

There was something about the atmosphere that drew you in. You would never quite be able to explain the feeling, that odd tugging deep in your chest yanking you forward by some invisible string of fate. All feeling seemed to have left you except the aching want to throw yourself into the fray and dance until your feet fell off, drink until the sun came up, feel the burn of others’ cigarette smoke in your lungs until you choked, search for a companion until you found the right one. 

Time had slowed, and the usual clacking of your heels deepened to a hearty thud for each step you took. Every movement dragged you farther down under the surface, your sense of anything outside the confines of the house melting away until you had been utterly consumed by the muted liveliness of the party before you had even joined in. Everything happened so fast for being in slow motion, and before you could get the gears turning once again and recognize that you were no longer on the path leading to the steps Jaehyun was leading you through the double doors. The bubble popped. Imaginary water came crashing down around you, streaming off your hair and down your dress. The sensation was so strong you could swear that you felt the rivulets on your arms, the dampness of your hair on your neck. 

Everything was suddenly crystal clear, blurred forms regaining their sharp edges and an almost overwhelming surge of music and din of conversation assaulting your senses all at once. You look down at the ground, somewhat disoriented and almost expecting a puddle of water underneath you, drips falling from the hem of your dress, but there was nothing. The ground was dry, as it should be, and you shook your head slightly to yourself in hopes it would draw you back to reality a bit. 

As Jaehyun tugs you along, slipping nimbly through the crowds gathered in the tastefully decorated foyer, you simultaneously began to regain your wits and let your thoughts drift. An odd mix of cigar smoke, lust, and overbearing perfume hung in the air, threatening to put you in a trance and drag you away. There was always a feeling of disconnection with the world around you that creeped in at Ten’s parties. Often you would let it carry you away, but tonight you were here for more than just your own enjoyment, and so you clung to Jaehyun like a lifeline. He would glance back at you every few seconds, a reassuring smile on his face as your hand on his arm began to squeeze just a little tighter, the tiniest bit afraid you would lose him in the kinetic chaos of dancing and laughing. 

No guest goes without a glass of something to wash their inhibitions right down the drain, and many swipe the tiny sandwiches or pastries offered by butlers expertly balancing platters of hors d'oeuvres in hand as they expertly navigate through the throngs of people. You’re no black sheep tonight, for Jaehyun presses a glass of expensive champagne into your hand as you seek a somewhat less crowded place to enjoy the night, a replica clutched in his own. There are none who stand alone in this crowd, either surrounded by a group just as free spirited as themselves or paired off, hanging off their partners’ arms and not so subtly sneaking suggestive glances at each other. 

For each corner you turn you see a familiar face一an old acquaintance from school, a friend’s sister, the man who works at the bank. But just as quickly as you recognize them their  identities slip from your mind, partly from a combination of the overwhelming amount of people crowding around you on every side and the buzz of energy and alcohol. 

Ten’s parties were known for being quite anonymous to those looking for a good time. Those in attendance would always see people they knew outside the bubble of safety Long Island offered on night like these, yet no matter how scandalous their behavior it would never become public knowledge. Gossip was unavoidable, yet that was always how it stayed一mere gossip for the wealthy ladies to discuss over tea. As darkness fell over the bay so came a cloak of anonymity that drew in people like moths to a lightpost. 

An hour or so of aimlessly wandering the three story mansion, people have dispersed a bit which means that the rooms are a bit easier to navigate, though there is still no lack of bodies. You trail along through the groups of dancers, some getting drunk, all throwing caution to the wind (perhaps a little too much). The symphony had changed songs, now playing something with a bit more of a sexy tone to it and you sway slightly along to the beat as you walk. Idly chatting with Jaehyun, one hand on his arm and the other filled with a glass of something sticky sweet to replace the long gone champagne, the two of you traverse through Ten’s mansion, both surveying the rooms and glancing at the people passing by. 

He’s got quite the handsome face, and most people wouldn’t look past that on a night such as this. But he’s looking for something tonight, you can see it in his eyes. The subtle way his gaze flicks up and down the figures of women in dresses fancier than yours as he uses eyeing the crowds for a clearish path as an excuse to not be looking solely at you. The slight desire he holds as his eyes take in the people milling about matches exactly with the look he gave you when you first sat down next to him in Irene’s friend’s car, and the way he flicks nervously between observing the other women in the room and you, still holding fast to his arm, lets you know that he’s not yet sure if you’re what he wants. 

It doesn’t bother you though. He’s not what you’re looking for tonight either. 

You’re looking for Ten. Though you only vaguely knew what he looked like, you always kept one eye sliding over the many people you run across, hoping to see a face that would strike you as the one person that intrigues you most. You’ve always heard rumors that he never seems to be present at the parties he throws, but personally you have a hunch that he likes to hide in the cover of the crowds. You’ve done your fair share of research about the man, not that drunken recollections and idle gossip are much to go off of, but none of the people you’ve asked about him seem to care all that much. Free drinks, a good time, and the beautiful people that crowded into Ten’s mansion was enough to make most forget about the mysterious host within a matter of minutes. 

But not you. He intrigues you too much, and though you’ve been tempted to drown yourself in the pleasure offered up on all sides, your quest to find Ten is more important. 

Not so important that you can’t enjoy yourself as you search though. Jaehyun is good company, and the two of you mingle amongst the other guests. As you drift along, you meet people you would never believe were really there, had really talked with you, were it not for the reputation that Ten’s extravaganzas held and the fact that you had seen them with your own eyes. Actors, musicians, the richest of the rich, all to be found in the same house at the same time. Supposedly he knew many of them personally and had genuinely invited them. Many of the stories you’ve heard sounded more like they were just fantasies that had been made up with the help of some strong liquor and many expensive looking partygoers, but it seemed as though there was more truth to them than expected. Ten was a strange figure, and while most just take advantage of the numerous bars and sensually lit gardens, you’re itching to get to the bottom of the mystery that is Ten Lee. 

After several hours of drifting here and there in the house, you and Jaehyun find your way down to the gardens. The party still rages on the lawns, though there are a few less people and a bit more space. It's just as well lit as inside, and the alcohol flows just as plentily. Your surroundings are somewhat more tame, as people have more space to move around and less reason to do so. 

After exploring the gardens for a while, you nudge Jaehyun and tell him that your feet have begun to feel tired, after all standing around in heels for several hours isn’t exactly the most fun you’ve ever had. The two of you find a place to sit quickly, and you settle at a table already set up with a small group. A company of eight gorgeous figures sit there, several paired off with a partner equally as stunning on their arm. (You have to wonder; were only those perceived by the host as beautiful invited? What of those who just showed up?) Irene is among them, the reason you had decided on this particular table. She shares a drink with the driver from earlier, talking with you when necessary though most of her attention was focused on the man on her right. You sit to her left, with Jaehyun on yours. Swirling your drink around, you do your best to pay attention to Irene, although it’s not going so well. 

Something, or someone, has caught your eye. 

Your attention is brought back to the conversation you’re supposed to be participating in when Irene laughs一a high pitched sound that could be perceived as either mellifluous or grating depending on your temperament一as tonight’s beaux says something that’s supposed to be funny. You don’t think he’s particularly humorous but half heartedly play along anyway, eyes unabashedly set on the man sitting across the table and to the right a bit. 

He’s truly ethereal, both in looks and mannerisms. With a sharp and elegantly curved nose, dark hair swept tastefully to the side, and a sparkle of something dangerous you can’t quite place but find attractive anyway in his catlike eyes, he draws stares not just from you, but all across the garden. The sharp contrasting colors of his tuxedo seem to brighten his honeyed skin, his every movement graceful as he entrances you, all dazzling smiles and pretty features. 

You can tell that he’s so much more than that though. There are layers and layers to this man, all hidden just below the surface, and you feel the desire to claw your way into him and analyse every bit swelling somewhere in the back of your mind as he catches your eyes locked on him. His smile grows just the slightest bit before he turns back to the light flirtation he seemed to be pressing upon the woman next to him.

Though he had been an ideal partner for the earlier parts of the night, Jaehyun is almost forgotten in the presence of this new man. However, not so much that you don’t notice his attention drifting to another table. Watching his line of vision, you locate the young woman he has his eyes set on. She’s not hard to find, beautiful even compared to the other guests she’s gathered with. Wearing a slinky red dress topped with a fur shawl, she’s certainly quite the sight to see, and your companion has been observing her for a while now. 

It appears you weren’t what he was looking for after all. 

“Jaehyun,” you say, sipping on your drink delicately, “You should go on without me for a bit. I see how you’re eyeing the bar over there.” 

It’s a lie. His eyes flick from you back in the direction the woman in red was for just a second, and though it barely happened, a subtle movement that seemed instinctive, ot’s enough to give him away. Though he does his best not to show it you can see the recognition that you’ve seen through his show of keeping his eyes solely on you dawning in his eyes. 

“Ahh, but I shouldn’t leave you alone.” Still the same gentleman you met in the back of the automobile. Or perhaps he was just putting up appearances, there was no way to tell. It didn’t really matter anyway, you had your sights set on something higher than the possibility of the deeper fragments of this man’s personality. 

“I’ll be fine,” you wave off his concerns nonchalantly. “I’m not alone anyway, I’ve got Irene here!” At the sound of her name your friend looks over, leaning on the tabe slightly as she sends a wink at you and Jaehyun. 

You read the wink as more of a “I see you eyeing your man, if you don’t disappear with him it’s quite a shame and I might just take the responsibility upon myself,” although you were hoping Jaehyun, who you assumed was unused to Irene’s wiley charms, would see it as more of a “I’ve got Y/n, you go on now.” 

Either way, he seemed to take the hint, although he remained reluctant. 

You pat his arm, “You go and have fun, Jaehyun, I don’t want to drag you down.”

“Not at all,” he replied gently, and it seemed to you almost calculated the way his eyes didn’t stray from you in the moment. You weren’t sure why he was bothering to keep up the premise that he would be returning, that his interest in you hadn’t evaporated the moment the fur shawled woman pulled his attention to her the very first time. You both knew, and no one around you was aware enough of their surroundings to pay you any attention. But no matter, it wasn’t important to you.

“Well,” his words are hesitant, as if unsure of his decision, “if you insist. Would you like me to grab you anything?” 

“No, no, thank you but I’m alright.”

As he stands up and pushes his chair back into place, Jaehyun gives you one last look. It’s apologetic, he isn’t particularly proud of the way he was just leaving you for someone a bit more flashy and boisterous. But again, you don’t care. He can either deal with the guilt in the morning or drink enough to forget the whole night, it was no longer your problem. It hadn’t been since you locked eyes with the pretty man across the table. 

Before Jaehyun was even out of sight the man you had been watching across the table catches your gaze once again. This time he stands and sidles over to the chair on your left that Jaehyun had abandoned moments before, sitting lightly beside you. 

“Good evening.” His voice, low and silky with a hint of an accent you can’t quite recognize, would have knocked you right over if you were the swooning main character of some unrealistic romance film. He takes your hand and presses it to his lips, a coy smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. 

“Might I ask whose presence I’ve been graced with tonight?” he inquires, and you tell him your name. “Miss Y/n,” he repeats. "Pretty." You raise an eyebrow at this, enjoying his efforts nonetheless. 

“And you? What’s your name?” 

He merely hums in response. “Has anyone told you that you look gorgeous tonight darling?” You let his avoidance slide, momentarily moving on. Some people wished to not reveal themselves, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t continue to enjoy his company.

“They have, in fact,” you say, thinking back to Jaehyun. You glance across the room but he’s long gone, the woman dressed in red having disappeared as well. 

“As it should be.”

Your attention is drawn back to your current suitor, and the nights former flirtations are quickly forgotten as conversation strikes up between the two of you. Every other word out of his is some flirtation or another, and you absolutely bask in the attention that the cat eyed man lays on you. His forearms are leaned on the table, and he’s staring up at you as if you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. You’re sure that your face mirrors his, but in your case it’s true. He really is the most strikingly beautiful human being you’ve ever had the pleasure to set eyes on. And for the moment, he’s all yours. 

There’s something oddly familiar about him though, and the fact that you can’t figure out why is rubbing you the wrong way. It would be quite impossible to forget a face like that. The feeling is not so much recognition as it is that odd niggling feeling of deja vu that plagues your thoughts in a situation that you know you’ve never experienced before. You try to stay slightly wary of his presence, but he’s downright entrancing and your focus slips to his stunning features every time you feel like you’re approaching the answer as to who he is. 

You’re unsure of how much time has passed when he leans closer to you, lips brushing lightly against the hair falling over your ear. “Perhaps we could find somewhere we could talk a little bit more一” He sets a hand on your waist and a shiver runs up your spine一 “privately.” 

You grin slyly as he pulls away, awaiting an answer with his own smirk. 

“It would be my pleasure.” You glance over to Irene, thinking you should let her know that you would be sneaking off for a while, but she was already gone.

And so, all suspicion tossed right out the window, you follow this handsome stranger. His arm tucked securely around yours, the two of you dash up through the bright gardens, whisking by the tables full of couples making eyes at each other and under the pretty strings of lights, up the lawn and once again through the french doors, still wide open, although with less people flooding in and out. You duck through the crowd of people still meandering around in the foyer, expertly weaving around dancers and drinkers. He takes you through the ballrooms and up a few grand sets of grand staircases, which you certainly would have tripped down were it not for the tight grip he had now moved to your waist. 

“You seem to know your way around quite well, do you come here often?” you inquire as you slip down a hallway that was mostly devoid of guests. 

That odd, dangerous glint you saw when you first caught sight of him reappeared in his eyes. “You could say that,” he chuckled.

Before you could wrap your head around what that meant he was pulling you into a spacious bedroom at the end of the hall and letting his hold on you cease to draw the door shut behind him. You turn away from him and marvel at the bedroom he had chosen. The room (which you assume to be a spare) is although fairly simple obviously belonging to someone extremely wealthy. 

A pretty chandelier hangs from the ceiling, and you have the feeling that the cufflinks scattered across the desk and the edging of the mirror above the vanity might just be real gold. You can see expensive velvet peeking out of the slightly ajar wardrobe, and just from glancing at them think the bedsheets to be silk. 

The only light in the room comes from the golden gleam of the gardens spilling through the french windows. The pretty glow gives the moment a sensuous and romantic feel, and you turn back to the cat-eyed man. He basks in the golden light, as if he knows that it's good to his complexion, accentuating the honeyed tone of his skin and shining in his hair. 

A hopeful smile works it’s way across your face, a gleam of eros in your eye as you take a step closer to him, hoping he doesn’t turn out to be a total bore like many of the men you meet at parties. A matching desire shows on his face, fingers reaching up to begin working at the black material of his bowtie. He expertly undoes the knot, and tosses the inconsequential scrap of fabric to the side. 

Placing a hand on your waist, he draws you towards himself as he takes small steps backwards, eventually landing against the wall with a slight thud. Your arms wind their way around his neck, and you press yourself up against him, sandwiching his lithe body between yours and the wall. 

As he traces your features with his eyes, a slight change occurs deep within them, a darkness pooling in his pupils and that familiar hint of danger from earlier making itself present once again. 

The corners of his mouth tug upwards slightly, and as he leans forward you tilt your head to nudge your nose against his, eyes fluttering shut. You meet him halfway, lips pressed together in a light kiss, almost as if you were just testing the waters, unsure as to whether you were truly interested. 

And, come to find out, you definitely were. His mouth was soft on yours, keeping your pace for the moment. You draw back for a moment, taking a breath and reinitiating the kiss, plunging yourself into his mysterious depths. 

He tastes of secrecy and some sweet cordial you can’t quite place, and you have never known something quite so heavenly. The heavy feeling of his mouth on yours is addictive, all your senses alight at once, and your hands grasp the lapels of his jacket, trying to draw him closer despite there being no space left between you. 

“What should I call you?” you whisper against his lips as you come up for air. His eyes flick open, meeting your own as you take a step back and pull him along to slip your hands under the shoulders of his jacket. He chuckles slightly, detaching your hold on him to undo the button and slip out of his jacket, hanging it over the back of the chair before the vanity. 

“That doesn’t matter.” His hands resume their rightful place on your waist, one sliding down to your hip and drawing you into his figure. “Just enjoy yourself.”

“Oh, trust me,” you press a kiss to his jaw, taking his hand and slinking out of his embrace to place yourself on the end of the bed, “I am.” (You don’t notice until later, but the sheets were in fact silk.)

You tug him along to where you sit, bringing him forward and between your knees. You tilt your head upward as your hands come to rest on his waist, sealing your lips together again. 

You lose yourself to him, the feeling of his thin, wandering fingers tracing your silhouette and the way he pays the same amount of attention to every inch of your body, as if he was trying to memorize every dip and curve of your figure under the silk of your dress. The sweet taste of his mouth entrances you, and when he moves to press his lips to your neck or the line of your jaw between long winded kisses you feel as though you’ve ascended. 

Time no longer exists in the muted bubble of a third floor bedroom in an unfamiliar house. Perhaps it’s only been seconds, and maybe you’ve been locking lips with a handsome stranger for hours, the party melting away to make way for dawn to dutifully traipse her way into the sky. Nothing matters anymore, you’re far too immersed in the passion of the moment to pay much attention to anything other than your unnamed lover. 

Though in reality it’s only physical, he’s explored you so much that you feel with each slide of his tongue against yours he reveals another one of your secrets, one of your stories, something only you know. Despite the intimate impersonality of finding a lover in a stranger, despite the illusion of invasiveness that his careful movements bring, you want to fully surrender yourself to this feeling. Breaking a particularly lengthy kiss, he presses on your shoulder to get you to lean back, and you rest your weight on one hand behind you, the other busy clutching at the silky strands of his hair. 

“You know,” you say, words broken in between the slotting of your mouths back together, “I came to this party in search of the ever so elusive Ten Lee, but goodness一” you press a particularly sloppy kiss to his lips, and he hisses as you tug gently on his hair一 “I do believe I’ve found something much better.”

“Oh, darling, don’t you see?” He presses on your shoulder again, and you fall back to sprawl yourself across the bed. He hovers over you, dipping to kiss the corner of your mouth. “I am Ten.” 

With a smirk that would haunt you for the rest of your days, he gives you one last mindblowing kiss before evaporating into the shadows of the room, straightening the black vest he wore and slipping his suit jacket back on. As you pushed yourself back up so you were supported by your hands behind you, dazed and trying to comprehend what he had just whispered against your skin, Ten turned to look at you. He threw you one last look, a dangerous, beautiful look, before slinking out the door, back into the whirlwind of dancing and debauchery. 

That night would never leave your mind. 

No matter how many parties you attended, no matter how many men circulated through your life, no matter how much you drank, you could never forget Ten. And you’ve tried. He would forever live in your mind, fleeting thoughts of a bedroom flooded with golden light, of his discarded suit jacket, of that gleam in his eyes the first time you saw him.

It would take you many years and much consideration to finally figure out what that look in his eye was, that strange mirth you had never seen another wearing. Later in life, when you’re much wiser and have experienced more than your younger self who met Ten could even imagine, it comes to you one day. You realise that he seemed to find as much pleasure in the facade he presented to the world, the fanciful rumors and scandalous whispers that followed him like a shadow, as he did in the heated intimacy you shared in a darkened bedroom one night of the Roaring Twenties. 

You would attend many more parties held in that mansion, sometimes dragged along by Irene, sometimes finding yourself there alone and unsure of why a somewhat faded memory keeps leading you back here. Every time, you held onto a fleeting hope that you could see just a glance, a sliver of the man you met that fateful night. But as much as you held onto the notion that you would see him again someday, you knew it was foolish. Ten’s reputation preceded him, and he liked to uphold that reputation. 

True to your logic, Ten would never make himself known to you again. For years you would search, a futile attempt to prove to yourself he wasn’t just something you dreamed up in the haze of alcohol and the feeling of weightlessness one can only find on Long Island Sound on Saturday nights as the extravagant parties thrown by a man who rarely showed his face rage on. 

Ten Lee, larger than life, beautiful, nebulous Ten Lee, truly was elusive, barely more than a shadow to his grand reputation.

[halorocks1214]

the law of relativity

AO3 Link

Word Count: 9963

Summary: The Law of Relativity states that each person will receive a series of problems (‘tests of initiation’) for the purpose of strengthening the ‘light’ within. We must consider each of these tests to be a challenge and remain connected to our hearts when proceeding to solve the problems. This law also teaches us to compare our problems to others’ problems and put everything into its proper perspective. No matter how bad we perceive our situation to be, there is always someone who is in a worse position. It is all relative

Previous Parts (in order): Alan | Virgil | You are here! | Gordon

WHY 👏🏼 CANT 👏🏼 I 👏🏼 WRITE 👏🏼 FICS 👏🏼 IN 👏🏼 MO 👏🏼 DER 👏🏼 RATION 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 also just bluuuergh. dont ask about this fic. part of it was written in a dark auditorium, another was written in a different state, another was written on a frickin bus, this fic has been places ill tell you what. half the time i think this is hot garbage and the other half i think its actually decent so im posting this while my head is in a good headspace and then promptly yeeting myself off the internet for a few hours to wait and see what happens. this series is becoming less of a canon divergence AU and more of a straight-up AU because of certain details im trying to worm in there buT IM TRYING MY BEST

thanks once more to @gumnut-logic, because of the length, this time i used three prompts, them being "What do you mean?", crease, and dream (and they werent even used that much sksksksk)

Warnings for both graphic and non-graphic depictions of violence, as well as mentions of torture and other PTSD/panic attack related stuff. I went deep with this one fellas

Orphan.

The word tasted dirty in his mouth.

He can still see the footage in the backs of his eyelids from when he watched it exactly one year ago. He was the only other (living) adult at the time in the family outside of Grandma, so he was permitted to see it. He remembered they originally didn’t want to show him, mainly because of his age, but Grandma was fierce, and she put one hell of an argument on the table.

One Scott refused to let fall through the cracks by breaking down. If only Grandma knew how he cried his eyes out and screamed to high heaven that night in the hotel room after essentially watching his father be blown to bloody smithereens then she was a goddamn saint for keeping it a secret. It made sense, she was the mother to his father. She had quite the line up of stories from Jeff’s childhood. Scott sensed the early-greying of his hair came from her, heh.

The rest of his family eventually saw it, of course, they did. Scott couldn’t shield them forever. What he will protect, selfishly he might add, was how angry he was at how much better they took it than he did. They cried, yes they did, but they never fully broke down like Scott did. Later in life, he wondered if it was jealousy: jealousy at not truly being able to let go. Whatever it was, he made sure to swallow it along with whatever alcohol he chose for the weekend.

Just add it to the ever-growing pile of shit he had to deal with. Nothing new.

Suddenly he’s 20 again and seated in a plane to be taken to his first stint in the Air Force. He said his goodbyes to Virgil, Gordon, and Alan back at home while Grandma and John metaphorically held his hand all the way to the airport. John was… quiet, more so than usual, but Grandma was stuck right in the middle between being a sobbing mess and ecstatic at the fine young man he’s become.

You’re just like your father. He would be proud.

Scott was secretly glad she never physically said it. It gave him plausible deniability in thinking that those words weren’t laced behind her big, bright, prideful eyes.

The first time went well, maybe even great. He stayed for a couple of months, did some flight tests, and while the training was brutal, boy did he learn a lot. When he came back home it was to a family slowly stitching itself back together. Grandma was a full-time house member, Virgil had taken up painting, Gordon talked about potentially going back to his swim meets, and while Alan was still as silent as ever, he was perkier than when Scott last saw him.

It would be on and off for the next few years: a couple of months at home, slowly and painfully taking over the role their father had (he can’t remember when he essentially received joint custody of his younger siblings with Grandma, but hey, he’s not complaining), then a couple of months out at the Air Force base where he slowly climbed up the ranking platform. He became skillful, perhaps too skillful. When he got his rank of Captain he felt it was less of an honor and more of something they owed him.

He was getting cocky. Never enough to be a danger to his fellow men, but enough to be somewhat of an occasional annoyance. Charles smacked him upside the head more than once. It felt like the world was right-side-up for once. Scott made many-a-calls to John and Virgil, the former enjoying his first few rotations up in space and the latter squarely in the middle of college. Gordon was being offered sponsorships to hell and back, and Alan was quietly getting along with the other kids at his school. Grandma was on welcoming duty for Kayo, who was taking her slot in the Tracy family with grace, though, a warning that their family would take custody of her if something were to happen to her parents would have been nice, Dad.

Of course, nothing ever goes right for their family for too long.

Orphan.

Age 24, it was supposed to be a simple retrieval mission of civilians. Scott was put in charge of his squad and then some. At night, they rolled-- well, flew out to get the job done. Scott can’t even remember the country anymore when minding his own business. Australia? Finland? Perhaps Bangladesh? There was a place John was insistent Scott never do rescues in, Virgil tended to agree, and the eldest unhealthily let them banish him from ever stepping foot there without argument. He could never remember the name off the top of his head until John’s familiar International Rescue, we have a situation rung out in the living room followed by the name of the country.

He would immediately forget it later, trauma too strong, too volatile, but the way his heart stopped and his head shattered and the way he felt ice water rush down his back was a good enough reason to quietly leave the room and let John delegate the job to one of his brothers. Sometimes John found him retching in the toilet halfway through the mission. He made sure to always mute Scott’s wrist communicator, even if it was never turned on in the first place.

The plane touched down. Orders sent the ground team out. But then the ground team took longer than estimated. Scott tensely waited where he was told to. It wasn’t the first mission that took a little longer than predicted and knowing humans, it surely wouldn’t be the last. Then, words mixed with heavy static came over the radio. H--p. Co-- ---7--. --nd ba---p --me--at--y.

Scott sat tensely in his seat, remembering his orders and suddenly hating them. Radio back to home if the mission goes south. Well, it didn’t look like they had the radio anymore. Still didn’t hurt to try at least. Scott spoke the familiar protocol that was ingrained into him when trying to call base. Dammit. Nothing. Probably some kind of blocker of sorts. Sitting up straight as a board, Scott looked through his options.

… He was in charge here. If something happened to his team the fault would lie squarely on his shoulders. Going against everything but his gut, he went out to help his squad. He can’t really remember what he exactly did anymore, but he does remember that it made a noise. Like a Looney Tunes scene: he flinched, froze, waited to see if anything or one heard, breathed a sigh of relief, and continued.

He eventually stumbled across one of his closest comrades, Arnold Brigeets. Yes, the name was ironic and half the reason he joined the force in the first place. The guy was one of the people that actually trained Scott and also seemed to be one of the few that was genuinely proud when Scott became a higher rank. It’s why Scott was more appreciative of Arnold than others, that, and well… Scott thought his fatherly abilities were good. The guy did have three kids back home.

Orphan.

Ducking down behind the cover his older friend was semi-situated behind, Scott watched as Arnold jumped at the intrusion before sighing. Scott had run into some enemies that he swiftly took down-- nothing too serious, he didn’t have the time or weapons for such an act, but they definitely would be out of it for a while-- so Arnold must have too on his way to find cover as well, hence why he was so on edge.

“Thank God,” Arnold wiped his forehead, “Glad to see you join us, kid.”

Scott was breathing heavily, but the grin he attempted was still there, “Y-Yeah, so what happened? More threats than we thought?”

Arnold shook his head, “Yes and no. There were a lot more baddies than we thought, but that’s because the civilians weren’t civilians. It’s a tr--”

Boom. The familiar sound of a gunshot.

Arnold fell over. Never got back up. Dropped like a rock in a lake, never to come up to the surface again.

Scott was so caught off guard he couldn’t react to the gun that swiftly beat him over the head, knocking him out cold. The only thing on his mind was oh fuck oh fuck I messed up I shouldn’t have come I wouldn’t have made any noise that way why did I--

They had him for roughly two weeks. Scott always thought the plotline in movies where the villain vehemently denied knowing any important information was dumb as hell. We’re not stupid. We wouldn’t go after someone if they didn’t know something.

The things they did hurt and no amount of I don’t fucking know anything! would help. Those two weeks were lost to Scott in a sea of pain and torment. The only thing he remembered was being captured, then waking up in a hospital drugged up to his gills with his superiors staring at him like he cured cancer.

“You saved the rest of your squad from sharing the same fate as the first half.”

“I-I did?”

“You betcha, son. I only wish I was there to see it! People be saying you were like an animal in how you took ‘em all down.”

Scott’s never remembered, and he wanted to keep it that way.

He was given the highest honors, even the chance to skip a couple of ranks to be at the same level as the big boys, but the night they were going to share the news to the golden boy himself, they found him in one of the bathrooms with a bloody hand and a mirror shattered with no hope of fixing it.

He was honorably discharged to a family that was so thankful he was home. Words like missing in action and POA never stopped haunting their nightmares. Scott was too, God, of course, he was, but sitting around and doing nothing was the last thing his traumatized mind wanted or maybe even needed. After doing what he considered to be the biggest fuck-up of his life, he needed to feel important.

This isn’t the first time he’ll say this and it surely won’t be the last: thank Christ for Grandma.

“You want me to take over?...”

“Yep, it’s about time Tracy Industries received a new pair of eyes. The Board certainly thinks so.”

“But… they’d rather have a crazy, PTSD-infected veteran over you?”

A rough pinch to his ear, “Hey now, don’t call yourself that,” the gentle motherly tone was back as soon as it left, “Besides, that crazy might exactly be what they want. Half of their argument is that I “don’t take enough risks.” They’re getting tired of listening to an old fart like me.”

A moment of contemplation, followed by the cheeky raise of an eyebrow, “So you’re saying you want me to take so many risks they have no choice but to take you back?”

A bark of laughter, “Damn straight.”

He learned the ropes faster than normal (healthy, is probably the correct term), and he immediately won the hearts of both young and old in the company. Instead of flying planes every few months, he worked on business reports and vetoed new ideas every couple of weeks. It felt satisfying for the most part, and his family was just happy he was still alive to enjoy it.

However, there was a slight roadblock on his way to becoming a somewhat stable person.

He became prone to violent blackouts. It had to have started when he blacked out and saved himself from those two weeks of hell, which made the most sense. Something was always destroyed when he came back to life. John was the best at calming him down due to his own experience with panic attacks, however, John couldn’t always be there, and the next rotation for NASA was coming swiftly. Scott swore up and down he would be fine, he could figure something out. John went back into space with an eyebrow permanently raised.

It was just him and Virgil home (Grandma had taken Alan and Kayo to watch Gordon swim) when he, unfortunately, proved John right. Scott wasn’t sure what triggered it, but he vividly remembered coming back in Virgil’s extremely tight hold. The first thing Scott thought to say was damn, beanstalk, when did you get so strong? but then he laid his eyes upon the forming bruise on his younger bro’s face and hasn’t recovered since.

Virgil swore he never held it against Scott. Scott definitely thought he should have.

That night brought sudden clarity to Scott that he was doing this horribly wrong. He was a ticking time bomb, and it wouldn’t be long before something was damaged in a way that couldn’t be fixed. Scott needed an anchor. Something to ground him before he took it too far. John wasn’t going to be earthside forever, Grandma was busy with Kayo, Alan was just a kid, and Gordon was living the dream. None of them were viable.

Then, as he was thinking, he was suddenly aware of how calming Virgil’s arms were around him, how they were preventing the growing panic attack in his chest from getting even bigger.

It was easy.

For once in Scott’s life, his eyes were big and young as he asked Virgil, “Help me, please.”

After a few brief seconds, Virgil gulped, “Okay.”

From then on, Virgil was Stone Number One. Scott’s admiration for Virgil outweighed the guilt of putting the black-haired man in that position in the first place. Virgil was glad to follow his older brother’s leadership, but just as qualified to bring him the hell back when he went too far. From getting too sacrificial to preventing a good punching-out some of the idiots they dealt with, Virgil made sure Scott knocked that shit off.

Time went on, Scott was a top-notch CEO at Tracy Industries, John was having one hell of a time up in space, Virgil was graduated and had so many life opportunities to pick from, Alan was thriving at being a (mostly) stable kid, Kayo was 100% acclimated to the family, and Gordon--

Scott found himself gripping the wooden desk very abruptly. He was shocked he didn’t snap a chunk off in the process. Why was he thinking about this right after a giant business conference? Who knows at this point. If this giant origin story seemed jagged and jumpy, maybe even somewhat vague, good, that’s how it fucking felt.

Back to said story.

Scott always thought he and Gordon would have the least amount in common.

They do, but out of all the things they could have picked to be similar, why did it have to be the PTSD caused by military-related jobs? Scott was 24 when he got his, Gordon was just under 20. It may have been a few years since their respective accidents, but they’re never going to go another day without it feeling like it was just yesterday.

At this point, Gordon was up and walking again, mainly thanks to John and Alan while Virgil and Scott helped in their own ways. Grandma’s cooking was what probably motivated him the most though, ha, the need to get away from it… Scott smiled. Grandma was always a constant. Honestly, if it weren’t for her, the family might have fallen apart. Literally.

What has he been saying throughout this whole shindig? Thank Christ for Grandma.

One day out of the blue, Grandma reserved the entire family (yes, even Kayo and Alan) private plane tickets so they could spend some time on the mainland for a few days. Honestly, even if the island wasn’t getting major renovations, you hooligans need to get out more. Have some fun. Try not to kill anything, especially each other, she all told them while creepily grinning. John and Virgil smacked Gordon more than once on the plane for insisting that she finally snapped, dudes, she’s gonna kill us.

Most of the time during their little vacation, Scott heavily focused on his breathing. He was pretty sure he knew what she was doing. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, but the same went for his excitement.

Dad showed him these plans the day after his 18th birthday. You’re a man now, Scotty, I need your help making this big boy decision with me.

As soon as they reset foot down on the island, Scott took a deep breath and felt relaxed at the salty taste in the air. It was weird, nothing on the outside was changed, and yet… it still felt different.

“Guys!” Virgil yelled out, “Stop playing in the water! We just got back, aren’t you two tired?!”

Blinking back to reality, Scott looked over to see his two youngest brothers doing exactly what Virgil was yelling at them for. Poor Johnny was a little damp too, which is what probably caused Virgil to shout at them in the first place. The blondes didn’t care. They continued to prance around in the shallow waves with their pants legs rolled up, acting as if they didn’t hear anything outside of their laughter. Gordon shoved his hands down into the liquid and threw some directly at Alan, nailing him right in the face.

Scott exhaled slowly. He couldn’t imagine them doing this 8 years ago.

Regardless, the artist was right, and they couldn’t waste too much time. Kayo was swift in grabbing both gentlemen by the ears and dragging them onto dry land. They all painstakingly trekked their way up to the-- what would you call Tracy Island? Mansion? Over-blown cabin? Well, whatever it was, Scott would always be willing to call it home.

Stepping inside, each brother took in the view, which was underwhelmingly not that much different, except for one tiny thing. John suddenly noticed a figure already standing in the living room and blinked, “No way… it’s--”

Gordon jumped in, both with his body and his words, “Brains?! Dude, how’s it hanging?!”

The scientist in question jumped at the voices before clearing his throat and readjusting his glasses, “O-Oh, hello again, T-Tracys. It’s good to see you all once more.”

Virgil slung an arm around his shoulder, ignoring the blatant squawk, “Man, how long has it been?! What made you finally decide to crawl out of your hole?”

Snickers came from all corners of the house. Brains stood up straighter, “W-Well, I was contacted b-by Mrs. Tracy over here with an offer I c-couldn’t turn down.”

Eyebrows tilted in all shapes and sizes. Someone cleared their throat. Everyone turned to look at Grandma once again, “I think if you all follow me, you’ll swiftly understand what I’m talking about.”

I already do, Scott thought matter-of-factly. John seemed to be understanding it now, Virgil was on the cusp of remembering what his father was hinting at for him, and Gordon was just as lost as Alan. It made sense, Jeff talked to all of them about it, but the oldest had seniority. The two youngest not remembering just by words was expected, especially since that was going to be rectified very quickly.

The hangar under the island was beautiful. Point blank. It smelt of iron and steel and grease and engine and that was the first time since Scott had been in the Air Force that he didn’t gag or flinch at the thought of flying something again. Scott had seen the plans his father drew. He assumed Jeff finished building it, but he never got to physically see it since…

In some ways, he was glad he didn’t. Now he got to experience it with (most of) his family, and that made it ten times better.

After letting them absorb the scenery, Grandma slowly turned around to look at them all, “You remember that dream your father had?”

The four oldest blinked, Kayo simply raised her eyebrows, meanwhile, Alan, being the teenager he was, didn’t read the emotion in the room, “Oh, yeah! Aunt Casey always talked about how he was going to “change the world” and stuff. What did he call it again?”

Scott felt way more confident than he had in a while, “International Rescue.”

Grandma nodded, gleeful at the happy look on her oldest and youngest grandsons’ faces, “Well, I’ve been thinking about some things. I know we don’t exactly worry about money, but after everything your father put into these girls… I’d hate for them to go to waste.”

The Tracy family jumped at that. John’s mouth was wide open in shock, yes, shock, “That station is still up there?”

Grandma sighed, “You mean ‘Five? Not for long. Not if we don’t send someone up there within the next few days.”

John blushed at the grin Grandma gave him. Clearing his throat, his big brain came to a startling conclusion, “Wait… you brought Alan along?”

The other big brothers in the room jumped at that. Kayo was the only one with enough balls to say the truth out loud, “Mrs. Tracy, I mean no offense, but he’s--”

“Just a kid?” Grandma smirked, “A kid that’s topped the VR charts for Intergalactic Fury for weeks straight while simultaneously getting nothing but A’s in his classes?”

Scott nodded slowly in comprehension. He remembered Alan talking about that game for a while. It was some kind of online racing simulator of sorts. Scott caught the prettiest string of words from Alan when going to bed one night. Nearly made him shit his pants. He made the kid promise to keep it PG-13 if he wanted to keep playing.

Still, the elders in the family slowly turned to look at the freckled boy with both shock and pride. Alan blinked with wide-eyed innocence, “But my English class is only at a B--”

“Shh, kiddo, I’m making a point,” Grandma rolled her eyes. The other brothers snickered. Yep, still Alan. Grandma sighed, “Now before you point out that video games are different, I know, but the difference between them and this is that video games don’t have some of the most talented older brothers in the world to guide him.”

Said older brothers jumped at the idea. Before any objection could be made, Grandma continued, “Besides, the GDF seemed to be okay with it. The Colonel was willing to oversee some of his training too.”

John flinched at that, “But IR is supposed to be independent!”

Grandma slightly frowned. She didn’t exactly like it either, “It still is, but in the world of business, compromises have to be made.”

Virgil huffed and crossed his arms, “Well, that’s… rough. Here I thought only Scott would have to deal with the bullshit of business.”

Grandma chuckled at the somewhat un-Virgil-like behavior, “It really is, Virgil. But about that Scott part,” she slowly turned to look at him and him only, “I hate to give you more work to do, but if you want to work within their restrictions?”

Suddenly every pair of eyes in the room was on the head of the family. Gulping, Scott looked down at his feet to think. It was a tense few moments, nobody sure what he was going to decide, least of all him, before the brunette cleared his throat and brought his face back up with a grin.

“Well then,” Scott turned to look at the bright tip of ‘One, chest fluttering with a feeling that became unfamiliar to him over the past few years, “I guess now it’s time to state the obvious.”

From then on, every time he loaded into that cockpit of his girl, he felt lighter than air.

“Thunderbirds are GO!”

Everything was okay again.

Mostly.

Orphan.

Scott took another sip of his whiskey and refocused on his reports.

---

Scott was in some kind of dissociative state the whole way home.

Alan doesn’t deserve this. He’s still a kid, barely an adult, and he’s going to go through utter hell because you screwed up. You were 24, Gordon was just under 20, Alan was barely 18. Alan’s going to get fucked up like you and it’s all your fault.

His movements were robotic and rigid. Anyone with a working eye could tell he was deep in shock and running on autopilot. Mostly Jeff. Especially Jeff. The rest of the brothers all noticed too, but they were also running on their own empty fuel tanks, so the only thing they could do was guilty send their older brother the occasional glance of pity and concern.

Jeff was going to need to talk to them about that. Somehow. Maybe he shouldn’t be the one to point it out since he feels just as bad. His sons were too much like him, sometimes, and that made his guilt burn all the same. He should’ve been there to warn his sons about the dangers of unnecessary guilt. Having that kind of guilt was a parent’s job, dammit, and maybe grandparents only occasionally.

But then he remembered where he’s been for the past 8 years and… who really was Alan’s parents anymore? His gut was screaming it sure as hell isn’t you, but he knew his sons would want him to step back into the role as soon as he was physically fit to do so, not just for Alan, but for themselves as well. They would deny it, but they probably just wanted to be kids again too, even if it was only brief, fleeting moments.

Who was to tell the protective, fatherly side of Jeff no to that? No better time to fix things like the present after all.

He saw Scott go up the stairs when they first stepped into the living room, so that’s where Jeff was going to go too. Footsteps light, Jeff retraced his eldest’s pathway to his bedroom. Only, he stopped before said bedroom. Unfavorable noises were coming from the closed bathroom door, and Jeff could only swallow whatever emotion it made him feel. Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened the (unlocked) door to the bathroom and laid his eyes upon the incriminating scene.

Jeff was met with the sight of Scott retching his entire stomach into the toilet, hands aggressively grabbing his sticky, hair-gelled hair and trying to make himself bald from the strain.

Jeff’s reaction was always based on autopilot, and it will never stop being so.

Ignoring his protesting body, Jeff kneeled and placed a hand on his son’s back, only to abruptly pull back like he touched a hot stove when Scott only got more hysterical at the contact. The brunette clenched his eyes shut even more (and they were already shut as much as possible) while his head became a special kind of crease. Like he was in pain, “God, I wanna go home. Why won’t they listen I swear I’m telling the truth! Please, I just want Dad--”

Jeff was frozen on the spot, heart stopping in the process. His brain shut down while he watched his son continue to mindlessly ramble and panic. His freaked-out mind barely registered footsteps from behind in the hallway, followed by a voice going what’s going-- holy--

Something thundered past him. Blinking once, Jeff guiltily watched as Virgil kneeled behind the eldest and wrapped his arms around the thin man’s shoulders while taking Scott’s hands in his in a protective blanket, “Scott! Jesus-- we’re at home, you’re safe and it’s June 14th, 2--”

Scott only struggled more, panicking at the fact he could no longer yank his hair out. Dammit, it was the only way he could feel in control, don’t take that away too! “No! I swear I’ve said everything! Please--”

Virgil immediately knew that this was one of those attacks that Scott wasn’t coming back down from with pure human intervention. Add-on the sight of his father’s big eyes signifying the man was at a loss at what to do, Virgil had no choice. He snapped loudly, remembering the comms were still on and only feeling slightly bad at the way Scott flinched in his arms, “Shit-- John! It’s Scott! Get the stuff! We’re in the upstairs bathroom!”

Muffled footsteps through a few walls in the house could be heard. Jeff’s mind was only starting to catch up when the brother Virgil called for came rushing into the bathroom (Jeff never remembered it being big enough to hold four of them) and ignoring Jeff (practically shoving him out of the way too, man, this was bad) on his way to the main problem at hand. Landing on his knees in a way that made Jeff wince, John gently grabbed one of Scott’s arms from Virgil’s hold and subsequently pulled a needle from nowhere and injected something into Scott.

The response was instantaneous.

Scott’s breathing, while still labored, got slower. He stopped struggling as well, and the way he sagged reminded Jeff of ice melting into a puddle. The two other brothers’ shoulders also sagged, relieved at the crisis averted. John stood up, knees cracking as he rubbed the back of his neck. Then, he froze at the sight of something in the doorway, “G-Gordon…”

Virgil snapped his head up from where he was looking at Scott. Jeff did something similar. Yup, in the doorway was the strawberry blonde, eyes wide, making him younger by about 10 years. The ex-Olympian in question inhaled, closed his eyes, and soon speed-walked his way out of the entrance to the bathroom. Dammit, neither Gordon or Alan have seen something like that and it probably spooked him more than anything. He’d understand with his own PTSD-related issues, but still, seeing the “never weak” big brother freak out in such a scary way...

John combed a hand through his hair, shaking his head. As he started walking out of the room, he whispered to himself, probably hoping no one heard him, “Dammit, this is all so fucked…”

Unfortunately, Jeff did hear, and the dirty language made the father flinch. John was always the best about making sure Grandma didn’t wash his mouth out with soap, and the fact that he so willingly didn’t care meant that everyone was at the end of their rope. Still reeling at the sight, Jeff couldn’t react to the gentle arms that picked him up off the floor and slowly led him out of the suddenly stuffy room.

With the click of the door shutting, Jeff realized what Virgil did, “W-Wait, Scott--”

“Will be okay for a few seconds,” Virgil finished for his dad, “I know it’s nearly been a decade, but the one part of you I definitely know hasn’t changed is the need to comfort us, just like we hoped.” The small grin that fell over the middle child’s face put Jeff a little bit at ease, but Virgil wasn’t completely done, “So, I’m going to let you take care of this, but I just want to make sure you’ll handle it with grace. Take this slowly, okay? Scott might be doped up, but he’s still… volatile, in a sense.”

Jeff cleared his throat, suddenly choking on the unneeded tension, “Okay, Virgil, I promise, just… what happened? That was… bad, and really bad at that too. I know Scott would never let something that severe willingly come out in front of his family.”

Virgil rubbed the back of his neck, clearly not ready for this conversation, “Listen, Dad,” he inhaled sharply, cutting himself off before sighing in a way that said fuck it, might as well get this over with, “As much as it felt like it did, the world didn’t stop spinning because you… well, we had lives we somehow wanted to continue living. We all have lives and stories now, and this is Scott’s story to tell.”

Jeff was getting misty-eyed again. Back when he was just a kid, Virgil couldn’t keep a secret to save his life, mainly in part due to his insomnia-related issues (Jeff has to wonder if he still has them, more problems for the future) and general lack of filter because of sleep-deprivation. Now Jeff knew there was a starch difference between a kid who couldn’t keep his mouth shut and a man who genuinely knew how to respect another man’s privacy, but…

It just hammers home how much he’s missed with his boys. Gulping, Jeff made a mental note to talk with his mom about certain things he’s missed. She’ll know a lot more than he would, “Okay, Virge. Thank you, for stepping up there.”

Virgil’s shoulders relaxed at Jeff’s words, as well as his father’s hand patting him on the shoulder, “Thanks, Dad. Just… go easy on him. I know it’s a little late for this but none of us ever properly talked about things. It was very unhealthy, deep down we all knew that, but…”

“You just couldn’t get the proper emotions out?” Jeff finished for his son. At Virgil’s soft nod, Jeff exhaled, “I’m not going to say that it was a smart decision, but we’re all here now. We can move forward with this.” Jeff squeezed where his hand laid.

Virgil blinked before curtly going, “Yeah. Goodnight, Dad. Take care of Scott.”

Virgil stepped around his father and walked to where his bedroom most definitely was not, but Jeff could deal with that in a little bit. He had another son who he was pretty sure just had a violent PTSD attack of some kind, plus, Virgil seemed to sour at something Jeff said. The ex-astronaut wasn’t sure what it was, so he didn’t chase after him out of worry that--

Wait.

We’re all here now.

Dammit, Jeff. Out of all the sentences you could’ve picked...

Alrighty, just add that to the ever-growing pile of things that need to be talked about later. No biggie. Jeff found himself sighing and rubbing the back of his neck much like Virgil did a few minutes ago. Turning around, he was met with the bathroom door once more. Shaking his head, Jeff slowly crept into the room and saw that not much was different, especially with Scott.

His heart softly cracked, but, again, he can deal with it later.

Sitting down on the ground and grimacing at the way his body ached (was gravity always this rough?), Jeff leaned against the floor cabinets about 2-3 feet away from Scott, who made himself into a nice comfortable ball in the corner next to the toilet, his palm smushed against his forehead. Jeff waited a few seconds. Then minutes. Then he realized he would have to be the one to initiate the conversation. He probably should’ve realized that right when he came back in. He opened his mouth, but his wasn’t the one that words came out of.

“It was… Zambia.”

Jeff’s heart stopped and his mouth snapped shut. He couldn’t stop the way his eyes clearly showed his panic, but hopefully, he guiltily thought, Scott was a little too doped up to not realize it, “Scotty, what do you mean?”

Scott shrugged in a way that spoke he thought what he was admitting wasn’t a big deal. Yep, clearly not with it, “Mission went bad… caught for a couple of weeks.”

Jeff was hoping his first fuck back on Earth, spoken to himself like right now or otherwise, would have been a comedic thing, but the way nausea rose in his throat said this was anything but funny.

Scott wanted to be in the Air Force. Badly. Who was a father to deny his son’s want to be part of such a noble cause? He gave him tips, took him to meet friends in high places, sometimes even sparred with him when he turned 18, but then Jeff was suddenly thousands of miles away with no hope of ever having the chance of sparring with his eldest again. Despite it, Jeff hoped Scott went on to become the best pilot the world has ever seen.

Part of this looks like he did, but at what cost?

As much as it felt like it did, the world didn’t stop spinning because you… well, we had lives we somehow wanted to continue living.

Aw hell, “Jesus, Scott…” Jeff couldn’t tell if it was the brashness or the lack of a nickname that made Scott flinch and he hated it. He immediately softened his tone and brought his 27-year-old child into his arms, “Shh, shh, we’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.”

Like father like son, old habits die hard, and as easy as it was to still be able to comfort his children, Scott seemed to just as easily take it as he used to 8 years ago, “Alan doesn’t deserve this kind of hell, God, he’s barely not a kid anymore! Why--”

Jeff tightened his hold to keep his son in reality, and because he didn’t like the tone behind those words, “Hey, you didn’t either--”

Scott somehow managed to fling himself out of the hug, focus incredibly on point for someone who was doped up to his eyelids five seconds ago, “But I fucked up! I made the wrong call and then suddenly Arnold was dead and he had a wife and kids-- shit, what the hell did I do?”

Okay.

First of all: way to put him back in that headspace when that’s the exact opposite you were going for, Jeff, father of the year. Second: dammit. Just… dammit. This was a big fat hand grenade in a giant handbasket that they didn’t have time to gently get out while simultaneously not yanking the pin clean off with the grace of a drunk elephant. Jeff was no stranger to Survivor’s Guilt, but there was a whole untapped pile of metaphorical C4 within his son’s head that was ready for someone to push the goddamn button.

He wanted it to be him, desperately, because it sounded like he already failed his family enough, it was all he could do at this point, but he absolutely hated that he couldn’t do it right now. This was going to take a lot of time, which they didn’t have, plus, Jeff thought he had a pretty good understanding of this new Scott and the rest of his kids. Jeff was aware that if he didn’t help his sons find their baby as fast as possible over everything else it’ll lead to a fate nobody wanted.

A shaky sigh, “Okay, Scotty, let’s get you to bed. We’ll talk strategy in the morning.”

Scott simply nodded as his father flung Scott’s arm around his broader shoulders and picked him up. Slowly and painfully but surely, father and son meandered their way to Scott’s room. With a thump a little harder than Jeff wanted, Scott flopped down on top of his sheets and immediately started snoring. Despite everything that just happened, the father couldn’t help but grin at the sight. Well, there was another thing Jeff gracefully passed onto his son.

Jeff only took Scott’s shoes off. He would’ve loved to pull the sheets up around him too, but the father didn’t want to take any chances at waking him up. Slowly tip-toeing out of the room, Jeff gave one last glance back at his son before finally letting him be and gently shutting the door. He had three other sons he needed to console, but his tired joints told him to selfishly take a moment for himself for right now unless he wanted to collapse and give his family more to deal with.

Jeff eventually made his way to his room-- which was sadly unkempt, he noticed-- and sat down on the edge of his unfamiliar bed to think.

He’ll figure something out. If he had to crawl through images of his son being brutally and bloodily tortured then by God he would with the fury of a thousand suns.

He was back and he wasn’t going to throw away any second or even third chance he was given.

---

“I got him.”

Virgil turned his comms back on, and with it, Scott’s heart restarted for the first time in a few weeks. Taking a moment for a breather, Scott leaned against the wall while practically wheezing. They have him back, holy shit, they have him back. Scott vaguely heard Gordon cry in pure relief and joy. He saw John’s side of the comms flutter for a bit before a bright flash happened. Blinking away the white spots, Scott looked at his wrist to see a fully detailed map of the compound.

Gordon spoke what they were all thinking, “Woohoo! First Allie comes back, then Johnny-boy gets us a free ticket out of here! We’re winning this race, baby!”

A very loud moment of silence. John cleared his throat, “Actually, I was going to say glad to see you in one piece, you little shit,” a playful gasp came from Virgil’s side. It was too high pitched to be from the pianist’s mouth. Scott chuckled, but the paranoid part of his brain said John wasn’t done. His brain was right, ‘“But guys… that wasn’t me. Or EOS. We still haven’t found a way to get past the metal they made these walls out of.”

That silence was even more deafening than the last, and before Virgil could utter out his typical what the fuck, a small logo appeared at the corner of their new map. One that was all too familiar. The Chaos Crew wasn’t the only one who could brand their awful deeds.

Son of a bitch.

Virgil’s order over the radio was meant for Alan, but Scott couldn’t help but listen to it too.

“Shit, Alan, you need to run.”

Making quick work of the compound once more, Scott, while booking it even quicker than last time, opened a private line between him and Gordon, “Hey, how would you feel if I said go help Virgil while I cover Alan?”

The first response was stuttering, which Scott expected, but then it was followed up by something completely out of left field for Gordon, “... Okay, just as long as you promise to bring Alan back in one piece.”

Part of Scott wanted to console Gordon, another was questioning why Gordon was so quick to give up, another wanted to say of course, I will, idiot, but the first part that made itself verbal was easy, “You know I will, buddy.”

Scott could physically picture Gordon’s tiny, little, somber nod clear as day, “Sounds good, captain. See you on the other side.”

With a click, Scott was back on the group comm. Suddenly remembering what exactly his job was, he pulled out the map so graciously given to them by The Hood. Looking at all the dots, one was heading towards a prone one (oh if that asshole did anything to Virgil…) while another one was heading right for Scott himself. Actually, in just a few seconds, right as Scott rounded the corner he would--

“Woah, look out there, Tigger!”

Yes, you heard that correctly: not tiger, Tigger. Tigger hadn’t been used since Alan was itty bitty. It always seemed like the kid had endless energy with the way he wouldn’t stop bounding off the walls and furniture. Even as a baby, Lucy had to sit with him for a few hours while he slept in his crib to make sure he would stay there. In fact, their mother gave Alan that nickname herself. She was quite the Winnie the Pooh fan, and the rest of the family figured it would be one of the ways they could keep her legacy alive for the tiny potato.

Wrapping his arms around said flailing potato, albeit much bigger than a baby, Scott thought he would collapse then and there. Alan was here, in his arms, and yeah, the sight of his dirty and somewhat ripped up IR uniform made him mad, but Scott, for once in his life, decided to focus on the here-and-now, aka his precious, alive little brother, who finally stopped struggling at the realization that hey, the person holding you is a good guy, time to turn off fight mode.

Smushing their foreheads together as much as possible, Scott desperately fought to keep the waterworks back, a smile from ear to ear hopefully taking whatever energy his tear ducts had, “You are getting such an ass beating when we get home, little bro.”

Alan jumped back with a look of What the hell?! What did I do now?!

Scott simply rolled his eyes, “Really? “Not important”? You graduated high school, tiny dude! That’s huge! You remember Gordon’s party, right?”

Alan’s mouth gaped before he closed it with slightly puffy cheeks. Those same cheeks tinged with a small blush. Alan wasn’t exactly expecting to be smothered so soon (well, he did cry his eyes out on Virgil’s shoulder, but that was different!). Shaking it off, Alan moved his hands rhythmically and rapidly, To be fair, we weren’t sure he was going to get one for a while.

Scott faltered a little bit at the ASL. Darn, he should’ve seen Alan’s lack of talking from a mile away. Scott carefully hid his disappointment from Alan. Lord knew what the kid would take it as, “Yeah, that’s what he got for barely making it. Imagine what you’re going to get!”

Scott assumed his semi-fake charm worked, as Alan seemed to play along without any kind of suspicion, Oh yeah. Fair enough.

This kid, man.

Then, slow clapping came from a dark corner, making Scott’s heart leap out of his throat as well as push Alan behind himself. Glaring as much as he could towards the invisible evil-doer, Scott didn’t have to think twice, “Alan, take my map and find Virgil and Gordon.”

The youngest looked like he was going to object.

“Go.”

He no longer did. Good.

Listening to the field commander’s orders, Scott felt his wristband slip off his wrist and a warm body leave his vicinity. An inhale. Also good. An exhale, followed by an even darker glare, “What more do you want?”

Short and straight-to-the-point and angry, two things Scott typically wasn’t. Regardless, like a cold gust of wind, footsteps started approaching him from the shadow. Once Scott saw the outline of a body, he tensed even more. Virgil would snap at him for clenching his jaw so much.

A dark chuckle reminded him of what was important. The voice that spoke reminded him of something completely different, “Now then, brother, let’s not be rude to each other!”

Scott’s pupils shrunk at the familiar sight of Gordon stepping towards him. Except it wasn’t Gordon, because Scott knew that Gordon knew better. He also knew Gordon didn’t cheekily smile like that, even after a prank, nor did he walk that straight. He always had a funny walk after WASP, and Gordon wore that fact like a badge of honor.

Oh no, Scott definitely knew who this was, “What the hell are you playing at?”

Fake-Gordon rolled his eyes, like it wasn’t obvious, “I mean if we want to go that route, why did kid insist you being in the military was the coolest thing he’d ever heard you do? Maybe I wouldn’t have been pressured into joining a branch myself in the end.”

Scott’s nostrils flared, and by God, his pupils might have actually slitted like a snake’s, or possibly even a dragon’s, “Excuse me?”

Scott blinked, and suddenly he was met by not-Virgil, “Plus, why was our conclusion after hearing a three-year-old wanting to see snow to go to a ski resort? It had to have been those big, selfish, beady eyes, right?”

“C’mon, Scotty, we gotta give you some kind of calming exercise. There’s going to come a time when neither me or John are going to be there.”

“Hmm… does yoga work?”

A snort, “Well, that’s not too bad of an idea. Maybe the person pissing you off will stop whatever they’re doing at the sight of you spontaneously doing downward dog.”

Laughter, an unfamiliar action, “Yeah, okay, but for real, those breathing exercises I’ve seen you do look okay. Let’s start there.”

Scott was not a liar by heart. He had to admit that those exercises were doing jack shit right about now.

Another blink, another brother. Familiar ginger hair was all Scott could see, “To continue that previous point, why did Dad start International Rescue again? And what led to his demise?”

“Sounds like a piece of work. Why do you keep dealing with these people again?”

“Someone has to pay the bills, Johnny. Grandma’s too focused on making the perfect poison for us.”

A roll of eyes, “Right, because the billions we have saved wouldn’t be enough to last a couple of families a few lifetimes. Glad to see your calming exercises are working at least. How’s that going for you, by the way?”

A pause. A flicker of vision around the room. Someone cleared their throat, probably himself, “It’s probably not as bad as whatever space is throwing at you. You handling it okay up there?”

Another pause, followed by a sigh, “Well, since you asked so nicely…”

Scott wanted to deflect the truth so badly right now more than anything else. Telling him he couldn’t pilot ‘One anymore would be a much more enticing option than what he was hearing.

Suddenly, Scott was looking in a mirror, “Besides, I know more than anybody that he wasn’t wanted. A mistake. I thought we Tracys hated being imperfect?”

The Hood must have known their backstories from internet articles, and being the mastermind he was, it probably took him all of three seconds to see Alan had some hidden self-worth issues. By playing the biggest Guess Who? game of all time, The Hood was most likely able to figure out some less-than-positive ideals Alan thought about himself throughout his childhood and danced circles around his already weakened mind to string together some spineless blame to put on the kid by sheer evilness alone.

Knowing his kid brother, it worked.

Scott wasn’t thinking straight-- maybe even at all when the first punch was thrown.

Just like that, Scott blacked out and was running on terminator mode. John would be disappointed. Virgil would be horrified. Gordon might find it funny. Alan wasn’t here, and thank God for that. Scott wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing. All his mind was telling him was make lots of pain hard and fast. His brain also blocked out any hit The Hood was giving him in return. Pain flared for a few seconds, then it was swept away in the puddle of rage his mind was currently being consumed in.

Soon, his out-of-it mind found its target and gripped his-- The Hood’s arm, no disguise would make him have an identity crisis, thank you very much-- nice and rough.

Scott heard the familiar snap of cartilage and felt only partially bad. If he was thinking more clearly, he would be disgusted with himself. Yes, even The Hood didn’t deserve this level of Scott’s fury. Oh, he definitely deserved to be hit by a truck, but not by Scott. It was mostly due to Scott’s sanity. If he could be this graphic and violent at all, even to the worse possible criminals, that meant he could be that way during other moments, and that was not a territory he wanted to cross into.

Welp, he was here now, and he’ll hate to admit it in the future, but the only thing that brought him out of it was a tiny gasp from a few feet away. Snapping his head up, Scott’s eyes landed squarely on a smaller-than-normal Alan, who was currently clutching his arm to his chest in an emotion Scott didn’t want to figure out at the moment. So much for going and finding Virgil and Gordon.

“Allie, help…” fake him grunted out, only making real Scott growl and tighten his hold (and probably making his case worse). Looking up from the person in his arms, Scott felt his heart split in two at the sight. There was fear and uncertainty in Alan’s blue eyes and boy did it hurt. Scott couldn’t tell if it was because even seeing a potentially-fake Scott being beaten up was bad or if it was because he’d never seen big brother be this brutal, even towards their enemies. Whatever the reason, it involved Scott being the main root of the problem.

Wait, that was The Hood’s plan. Shit… make Scott act past the point of no return in a way that was unfamiliar to Alan so the kid couldn’t be fully sure who was who, and Scott fell right into his trap, hook, line, and sinker.

Fuck.

Bloody well done, Scott, you absolute moron.

Scott faltered a little bit, “A-Alan, I--”

That falter was enough for The Hood to break an arm out of his grip and elbow him in the face. In the brief second of freedom he had, he tried dashing towards Alan, but Scott was too quick for everyone’s good and soon had the imposter back in his arms, both of them struggling in a way that made them look like they were tied into the weirdest knot in existence.

Then, an earthquake struck.

No, literally.

A big shake of the abandoned compound threw the look-a-likes about and subsequently off the platform they were on. The place was old; it didn’t take a lot of weight for that guard rail they made their way over towards while fighting to snap right off. With a yelp, the two of them gripped the edge as much as they could and held on. Crap, I know we talked with Fuse about potentially setting some stuff off, but--

Blinking, Scott saw a familiar mop of blonde hair come into view. Alan was rather panicked, clearly not sure which Scott was the real Scott. Not only that, he had little time to decide which one to save. Goodie, another reason to despise The Hood: not only has he put Alan through weeks of torment, now he’s forcing the kid to decide to either save his oldest brother and biggest hero or his personal torturer.

And Alan won’t know until he picks.

Holy hell, this was getting worse by the second. Hopefully, big brother charm can work its magic and get them the hell out of there.

“Alan, quickly, over here!”

“I can’t hold on for much longer, Alan, hurry!”

The two Scotts glared at one another in the exact same way, not making Alan’s job much easier. Another shake, another slip down the metal cliff, more screams, and Alan looked ready to tear his hair out. Scott watched as the kid looked around rapidly, probably praying for a miracle in the process. Suddenly, the kid jumped when he must have spotted something important. Within the blink of an eye, he was gone and out of their range of visions to retrieve it.

Whatever the hell he noticed better be important, because if just ended up wasting precious time then--

Another shake, probably the last one. Still, it was enough.

Both their grips gave away at the same time, screams identical (God, did he always sound that wimpy?) as they plummeted to their demises. Scott was briefly able to look up to see his brother pop his head over the cliff like a chipmunk again and grab the (albeit broken) arm of The Hood and save him. Dammit, Scott should have expected that, though, that display of anger was uncharacteristic to Alan. Probably terrified him even more than he already was. Fuck, Scott deser--

Suddenly, a rope wrapped itself around Scott’s left arm and stopped his descent. Hard. Hopefully, it was only torn stuff, they didn’t have time to deal with dislocation--

Wait.

Scott wasn’t dead if he could think about these kinds of things.

Blinking, he looked at his arm to see the familiar rope of his grappling hook around his forearm. Moving his eyesight to look past that, he saw the wide, blue eyes of his baby brother struggling to stay on top. The Hood was using his non-broken side to try and climb his way back up to safety. Huh, that’s weird. When did Alan get ahold of that? Scott must have dropped it during his scuffle with--

That’s when it hit Scott.

Alan saved them both.

Alan saved them both.

And it would be all for jack shit if Scott didn’t get his ass up there to help.

Panicking, Scott gripped the rope and started to ascend. He had two working arms and a smother complex to boot; it wasn’t long before he overtook a struggling Hood, who could only use one arm and a weakened brother (that bastard was so lucky Alan had a literal heart of gold).

Flinging his arms over the edge and pulling himself up-- and shrugging off the extra help Alan offered. Save your strength, baby bro-- Scott was in a much calmer search-and-destroy mode. He yanked his evil look-a-like up, turned him on his stomach, pinned him down, and before he could even watch Alan blink, “Sign something.”

There, now he watched Alan blink.

Scott pulled out one of his best ‘big brother’ smiles ever, “Tell me something in ASL. I don’t think The Hood learned that kind of etiquette.”

The body beneath him growled, making Alan jump and Scott tighten not only his hold but his glare. Further prove big brother’s point, why don’t cha? He lost the angry look immediately to grin at Alan once more, who seemed to be slowly getting the picture. With a gulp, the blonde slowly strung together a sentence that Scott had to laugh at, just a little bit.

Damn, could you teach me to fight like that, Scooter?

Nodding his head, Scott had to concede, “Sure. Consider it a graduation present.”

Alan blinked again, and the immense relief that washed over the boy’s shoulders would be enough to banish nightmares for at least a couple of days. Suddenly, The Hood’s disguise blinked out of existence, making both brothers jump that time. Scott didn’t falter in his grip, however. This man was going down right here and now, Scott thought darkly, staring at the prone body beneath his.

Scott saw Alan continue to sign out of the corner of his eye, You know you look like shit, right?

Scott chuckled. Alan was always able to put a smile on his face no matter the circumstances, “Yeah, well, kindred spirits, little bro.”

Scott was probably as pale as Alan was with such lack of sleep and food. Running on what was essentially a prolonged PTSD attack wasn’t healthy in the slightest, and no doubt whatever kind of bruises and scratches The Hood gave him didn’t help, however, seeing hope fill those deep-blue eyes when Alan learned he was truly being saved drowned everything out, including the way those freckles were getting lost in those eye bags.

Yeah, their entire family probably looked like shit, and the recovery process was going to be even shittier, but they were going to suffer through it together as a family would.

That made it all worth it.

Shuffling himself so one arm was free while the other kept The Hood pinned, Scott held it out towards Alan. The flinch the youngest made tore a hole in Scott’s heart that was only slightly patched when Alan leaned into the warmth and safety of his biggest bro. Long recovery process, remember? Regardless, Alan still took to the hug like a dehydrated zebra did a pond, and that was good enough for Scott.

The Hood groaned underneath them.

Yep, good enough.

[imagineclaireandjamie]

Come he’ll or high water is excellent can you please write more I love it 🥰 please thank you 🙏🥰🥰🥰👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Claire comes back to the past with Brianna and arrives at Helwater looking for Jamie—but must confront the Dunsanys first.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven

Come Hell or Helwater - Part Eight

Rain pattered against the window while Brianna sat at the table in the corner with Isobel working through a set of simple mathematics problems. She didn’t have the heart to tell Isobel that she’d mastered both multiplication and long division two years prior. Instead she worked her way through them slowly, allowing herself the fun of observing the others in the room while they thought she was thoroughly engrossed by the numbers on the page.

Brianna had found soon after her arrival at Helwater that she couldn’t help but like Isobel—she couldn’t have borne pretending she was so far behind in her studies otherwise. But Isobel’s sweetness could become grating if not for the presence of her sister, Geneva. It was Geneva who knew exactly how to push Isobel’s agreeableness to the brink, to coax a few less-than-kind remarks out of Isobel—and then offer reassurance that she hadn’t been so unkind as to require begging anyone’s pardon.

There was more to Geneva that Brianna found mesmerizing, however. Quiet moments when she managed a glance at the older girl and it was clear Geneva didn’t realize she was being watched. In those moments she looked the way Brianna had felt when Mama and Daddy had told her the great and terrible Truths of her life—first, that Daddy wasn’t going to live with them anymore, he was going to live with his special friend, Sandy, and, just a short time after that, when her mother informed her that Daddy wasn’t her “real” father. From what Brianna could tell, it was partly Geneva’s parents who were causing her to look that way, but not because they were breaking up. No, the lady Geneva was going to be married soon and anyone could see she didn’t want to get married.

But that was why there were beginning to be so many extra people at the estate. They were guests visiting for the upcoming wedding. Several older relatives of the Dunsanys had taken to sitting with Lady Dunsany in the main sitting room while the younger guests preferred to gather in the drawing room. It was in the adjoining library that Isobel was giving Brianna her lessons but the door was kept open so Isobel might pop in and make her necessary appearances every so often. Brianna thought Isobel perhaps preferred the quieter library to the group in the drawing room.

Brianna enjoyed peeking up at them through the doorway. She could only see a portion of one setee and a fragment of the floor to ceiling windows behind but Geneva was partial to planting herself on that setee and as the bride to be, she frequently had company beside her—usually one of the two British soldiers who had startled her mother in the forest that day they’d arrived. The younger of those two often turned to glance through the same open doorway at her, which always made her flush and look down at her paper. Or was he looking at Isobel? Brianna peeked up to see Isobel looking flustered as well, no doubt aware of the soldier’s piercing gaze.

Even if Brianna could convince herself that the young man was paying his attentions to Isobel, all it took was Geneva seeing her sister’s blush to throw a wrench in Brianna’s plans of going unnoticed.

“Isobel,” Geneva called rising from the setee and floating to the door. “Aren’t you going to join us? As the sister of the bride it’s part of your duties to help me entertain my guests,” she teased with a playful giggle and glance over her shoulder. “John, Hal, won’t you help me coax Isobel into joining us?”

Isobel sighed but smiled at Brianna before pushing herself up from her chair at the table. “You’re doing wonderfully,” Isobel assured her. “Keep working on this set of problems and I’ll be back shortly to check your progress.”

Brianna nodded and then watched as Isobel glared at her sister who stood in the doorway with a satisfied grin on her face.

“Really John, you must ask Isobel about her latest obsession with playing governess,” Geneva continued, the conversation still drifting in for Brianna to overhear since the door between the rooms remained open. “It’ll be something to keep her occupied when she no longer has me around to entertain her.”

Isobel spoke too quietly for Brianna to hear but from Geneva’s subsequent, “Oh come, I’m only playing,” she assumed the young lady had rebuked her.

“It is the curse of younger siblings to always be tormented by the older,” John remarked, lightening the mood even as he too scolded Geneva.

Brianna set her pencil aside and leaned forward over the table, straining to see if she could catch a glimpse of them but they must be standing near the fireplace. The rain outside was unrelenting in a spring that was already slow about taking root. That was one of the things about this time that Brianna found most frustrating and quietly terrifying—how cold it was without proper, modern heating and how afraid she was that she would get too close to the hearth or that she’d knock over a candle and go up in flames.

“I know Isobel’s attempts to improve the poor child arrive from the best of intentions,” Geneva assured the others and Brianna could hear the eye roll in her tone. “I just think that when it comes to the staff and their families, it’s not our place to interfere. They have their lives and we have ours.”

“And the fact that their livelihood depends upon our whims doesn’t matter?” Isobel challenged more vocally, clearly surprising the others.

Brianna rose from her seat and tiptoed closer to the door to hear better and maybe sneak a better angle through the door so she could see them while remaining hidden in the shadows. If she was truly lucky, there’d be a mirror on one wall that would let her watch their reflections—she couldn’t remember if there was a mirror in the drawing room though.

“So long as they’re paid for their services, I’m not sure I understand to what you might object,” the older one—Hal, Geneva had called him—said gently.

“They require decent pay to support their families,” Isobel agreed, “and sometimes they’re compensated in other forms—for instance, housing or their meals—but what about their other needs, especially for their children? Is it not our duty to guide them towards being productive members of society where their parents are either lacking the means or the opportunity?”

“And what makes you think the Mackenzies are lacking the means and opportunity?” Geneva countered. “Did you ask them if they wanted it when you asked for their permission? Shall we ask the little lady now?”

Brianna panicked for a moment as she heard Geneva’s footsteps crossing toward the door but her instincts quickly kicked in. She started walking for the door herself and nearly collided with Geneva.

“Sorry,” Brianna muttered, backing away. “I was just coming to ask Miss Isobel if she might excuse me to go help my mother. Miss Isobel should be spending her time with your company, not with me just now.”

“I don’t mind at all, really,” Isobel insisted but Geneva made a dismissive gesture, keeping her eyes on Brianna.

“The child is quite right, don’t you agree, John? It’s terribly rude of Isobel first to ignore your presence and then to ignore her young charge’s. If she had a nursemaid, we might turn her over to so she doesn’t inhibit her mother in her work. Should we engage one for her, Isobel?” Geneva asked, looking over her shoulder at her sister. “Would that be more of the means and opportunities that our hired servants are lacking? I suppose we’ll just have to keep an eye on her ourselves then. Come child,” Geneva turned back to Brianna with an overly sweet smile. “Join us in the drawing room and we’ll try not to bore you too terribly.”

Brianna stood her ground, staring expressionlessly at Geneva.

“Geneva…” Hal said quietly, stepping toward her.

“Quiet little thing, aren’t you,” Geneva murmured, her attention still fixed on Brianna. “Do you speak at all?”

“I’m ten, not two,” Brianna replied, unamused even as the color began to rise in Geneva’s cheeks. “And my mother always told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all. I’d rather spend my time somewhere I can have a conversation. Thank you, Miss Isobel, for the lesson. I’ll see myself out.”

Brianna kept her ears pricked for their reactions as she turned on her heel and went to the table to retrieve her things before exiting through the door at the side that led to the servant’s passage and from there down to the kitchen. She heard one stifled chuckle (Hal) and Isobel’s gentle, “You were the one who provoked her.”

The sound of a slight commotion drew most of the others back into the drawing room—a footman announcing the arrival of another guest.

“Daniel,” Hal exclaimed in joy. “It’s a miracle you made it in this weather. You ought to have stayed at your inn until it cleared.”

“If he did that he might not have arrived in time at all,” Geneva declared, brushing away the awkwardness of being put in her place by a ten-year-old girl. “The way it looks now it could rain through the next fortnight and my wedding’s one week away. He knew I’d never forgive him if he wasn’t here.”

“Always said Gordon was like a brother to me so I see it as my brotherly duty to make sure everything stays on schedule,” a new voice chimed in.

“Well you might’ve been as a brother to Gordon but you’ve hardly been a brother to either of his sisters,” Geneva objected with a laugh. “You haven’t written a word to either Isobel or myself in over a year.”

Brianna snuck one final peek through the door to the drawing room.

John, the soldier who had come walking through the field with her mother that day, was the only one watching her as she made her exit.

“Bree,” Claire gasped as her daughter barged into the cottage, dripping wet from her brief run through the rain from the main house. “For heaven’s sake, what are you doing here? I was going to fetch you back after your lesson was finished. You’re soaked to the bone.”

“Well you might wind up back there later treating their latest guest. Sounds like he rode a ways through the rain and I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes down sick from it,” Brianna said, shaking her hair like a wet dog.

“Sassenach,” Jamie called from the cottage’s back entrance. “Do ye have anything hereabouts we could eat? Thought it might be nicer to have our midday meal alone together rather than trek through the muck to the main house. And as Bree’s occupied there with Miss Isobel…”

Claire cleared her throat loudly soon after he began and spoke over him, “We’re in here, Jamie. Bree’s just got back too. We hadn’t addressed the subject of lunch yet.”

Jamie came around the corner, his face pink and dripping with the rain that had soaked his hair.

“Bree,” he said with a smile. “Is it wet enough for ye out there? I ken I must look and feel like a half-drowned cat.”

“Well it is raining cats and dogs,” Brianna remarked without enthusiasm.

“Why don’t you fetch some dry things from your trunk and change in our room,” Claire offered.

“I suppose we won’t be using it after all,” Jamie whispered in her ear as he brushed a kiss against Claire’s cheek.

“I had brought a leftover side of ham from the house after tending the cook the other day,” Claire continued, ignoring Jamie, “and there’s cheese I had set aside as well. We’ll see what kind of meal we can make with that and maybe it will let up enough tonight for a larger meal with the others at the main house.”

When Brianna had closed their bedroom door behind her to change, Claire turned into Jamie’s arms and stood on her toes to give him a kiss.

“When the wedding’s over and their guests have gone home, things will calm down enough that we’ll have a little more time for ourselves,” she whispered, pulling away from him as his hands drifted down to her backside. “Not just the two of us, but the three of us.”

“Except for when we have time just the two of us to get back to work on making that three of us into a four, aye?”

“Aye,” Claire smiled and blushed. “Though by my watch we’ve spent a fair bit of time working at that already.”

[thefeckisthis]

manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

 with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended  to their culture.  so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist."  and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights 

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that. 

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism  ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism. 

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been  reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all  - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation  come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation. 

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it. 

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you. 

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

[deniigi]

Hello! Just about to sit down and read your newest fic, so excited about it! I had a question for you (you very well may have answered this already, so sorry in advance!), but do you have advice for writing? Advice in terms of getting start, plotting out stories, helping get the creative juices flowing? I have all these ideas but seem to lack the drive to get things written out. I know the best advice is to just write, but I'm having a horrible time starting. What do you do in those moments?

Hello my dear!

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. The lord has blessed me with a head cold and ruined all my plans of productivity for the day, so I can finally answer this ask! I’ll talk a little bit about both how to get started with a story and then some little things that help me motivate myself.

I have started a tag for writing advice here: http://deniigi.tumblr.com/tagged/writing-advice

This is going to be a long post, sorry mobile users.

I am going to preface all of this with the understanding that I am technically a professional writer in terms of like, a handful of ways, but I have absolutely zero training in creative writing, so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

So, I personally find that, on the whole, that psychological hurdle of getting started comes a lot from the anticipation of the kind of response a story will get (how many hits, how many comments, how many kudos) in addition to a bit of anxiety or fear over  theloss of sustained interest in that story (by yourself and/or by your audience). I find that this can be alleviated by really, truly internalizing the understanding that you are allowed to write your work however you damn please, for whoever you damn please.

There will be work you write for others, and there will be work you write for yourself. Not all work needs to be published; sometimes, it is really nice to just write shit for yourself; it is a plus for humanity if you decide to share it with others, but you do not have to do that.

Furthermore, I would like to present you with this:

This is what my current folder for under fire looks like. And you might notice that there are almost always multiple drafts per chapter. Yes, I did in fact rewrite chapter four 5 fucking times, you bet your ass I did. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think the story is better for it. And that’s the important thing here: you do not need to produce a perfect draft the first time around. You will not produce that perfect draft. Accept this. Embrace this. Embrace it and your cat at the same time to really ingrain it as a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Liberate yourself from the pressure of needing to produce the perfect, most right draft and you may find starting the piece overall to be a much easier, more pleasant experience.

And along with this beautiful, uplifting spiritual advice, I also bring a practical thought: when it comes to getting started, a lot of times, people feel like they need to set the stage, yadda yadda yadda. Ha. No. Fuck that.

That’s a surefire way to bore the shit out of yourself. Start right in the middle of a scene that captivates you if that’s what you want to write. It’s a free platform. No one’s gonna arrest you if you stick Spiderman upside down in trash first thing. They might even applaud you actually, because you didn’t make them slog through some of that ‘It was the evening of the 25th and it was cold out in the streets” bullshit we all learned from Dickens.

Alright. Now let’s talk about actually getting started making words appear on paper.

So, from my knowledge there are generally two ways that folks write creatively. You have what I’m going to call the planners and then you what I’m going to call the monsters (I call them this entirely affectionately, I’m sure there’s a better word for these folks, but I don’t have it atm, all I have is a headcold). Planners are folks who sit down and work out their major plot points, who write outlines, and who create the scaffolding of their work before they set out on their magical journey. I think of these folks as architects.

And then you have the monsters and these are those fuckers who just sit down and write stream of consciously like the heathens all our high school teachers tried to teach us not to be.

I am both a planner and a monster. And a lot of that depends on the length of work I’m going for. I have never in my life planned a one-shot, for example. I just attack that as it is. I follow my heart, if you will. But when it comes to longer chaptered fics, I really do think that some outlining is super helpful.

You might find it useful for one-shots, though, I dunno. Maybe give it a try and see what happens?

The two main fics I’ve done proper outlines for are Inimitable and under fire and I actually find outlining to be immensely helpful in psyching me up to write the story (I go through and re-read my outlines when I start to lose interest or diverge too much from the plot outlined there in the actual writing. 9 times out of 10, re-reading gets me stupid excited to write all over again) and it also helps me keep momentum going throughout the plot.

Here’s a pic of some pages of under fire’s outline.

Physically writing the work is really important for me because it forces me to only put down key points/feelings/ideas I want to include, whereas typing gives me far too much room to get lost/distracted by extraneous detail. And since my handwriting is a teacher’s worst nightmare and I cross out shit and write huge with emotion, I’ll give you a little bit of what the middle page here says:

Miles-

there’s something thrumming

vibrating in his ears wherever he goes

-closes his eyes and somehow enters blackness- emptyness (Stranger Things style)

beat

beat

beat

“help.”

–BACK - everything is gone

closing his eyes doesn’t bring the space back

–it makes him panic. He doesn’t know why. His heart is pounding. He’s sweating He has a horrible feeling of doom.

beat

beat

beat

its gone.

he goes home anxiously. Pretends everything is normal.

his neck crawls

So basically it’s less of a formal outline and more of a collection of stream of consciousness feelings and screenplay directions which I’ll flesh out in the actual story.

Personally, I love writing these kinds of things because they get me pumped for the story I’m about to tell. I get to write out the key scenes and work through all the hard parts first, and then, while I’m writing, I work through the little fun details and banter and I have to write to figure out how we get from one scene to the next and I love the challenge of having to fit those pieces together. I very rarely stick strictly to my outline, (as anyone who is currently reading under fire can tell you right now), but I do try to stick to the main plot points in it and my writing is certainly better for it.

So yes. Outlining is very good, but it is even better when you do it to some kind of music. I listened to What’s Up Danger from the Into the Spiderverse soundtrack on repeat while I wrote this outline to kind of transfer some of the relentless pace conveyed in that song to the piece’s plot.

I highly recommend using music to set the mood of your piece while/before you write a piece of any length. It helps get you in the right headspace (excited or somber or angry) to write. You need emotion to write creatively. You can’t just make that happen sometimes; you need a little help.

A couple other things which might help:

1. Leave your house or the space you’re normally in. Go to a cafe and find a nice corner and have a think and a try in there. Sometimes moving to a different space helps you escape cyclical thinking patterns.

2. Write what you want to read. Don’t bother writing for other peoples’ interests; that’ll just bore the shit out of you all over again.

3. Find an atmospheric mood sound to listen to on Youtube or smth (I personally like Rain on a Car Windshield for slightly somber fics, but you might be into ocean storms or dripping caves or whatever).

4. Heat your feet. I don’t know why but I am entirely unproductive when my feet are cold. Maybe this one is me-specific, but whatevs. Heat the feets!

5. If you’re still having trouble just sitting down and pounding the story out, that’s okay! Maybe it’s not ready to be written yet. Maybe you’re not in the right headspace yet. Sometimes that’s just how it is. One story makes its way out in like, a hour, and the next one takes like, months to finally be written. We all work at different paces. We all write for different reasons.

It might help to figure out why you want to write a story before you write it. Like, if its for attention, it’s gonna be hard as hell. But if there’s an idea that you feel like is important or if there’s a mood you’re trying to work yourself into or out of, then that might be a little easier. For example, I wrote a piece called make it work which is about Fogs finding his motivation to be a lawyer and fight for justice when Kavanaugh was confirmed and I felt super helpless in the face of our present justice system. That story kind of wrote itself and it needed to be written, I feel, not just for me, but for others who were feeling just as helpless.

Writing is catharsis in that way. Maybe you just need to find out what you need to wring out of your soul.

Sorry that got very metaphysical. But I do want to stress that getting started and ending a story are the hardest parts of writing them, so you are definitely not alone if you feel like you’re ramming your head into a wall here.

I hope something here helps you, my dear!

[antiquery]

Randolph Carter?

Good afternoon. Thank you for the coffee. I know you must be busy, so I’ll do my best to make this quick. Feel free to stop me if anything I say is unclear or requires further explanation, but be warned that I do have a tendency to ramble. Old habits die hard, it seems.

I enlisted in the war on the day I turned forty. Before you ask— yes, the identification I provided you with states my age as twenty-seven, and yes, that is accurate. I can see you’re thinking that one of the things I have just told you must be false, but I assure you that they are both quite true. It’s a longer and stranger story than you probably have time for, so I do hope that for the moment you will take my word for it. And the word of the Massachusetts Department of Motor Vehicles, I suppose.

Anyway. I joined the French Foreign Legion in 1914, well before America became involved in the war. My friends looked at me askance, when I told them, and I can see why. I don’t exactly look— or act, for that matter— the part of a soldier. [Laughs.] But I had just lost a very dear friend of mine to a terrible accident for which I was partially to blame, and I was consequently in a rather volatile emotional state, so on the kind of wild whim that drives braver men to braver acts I went to the recruitment station in Back Bay and signed the requisite papers. It was barely a week before I shipped off to Europe.

I remained in France for two years. I will not bore you with a laundry list of the battles in which I participated, or the campaigns on which I marched. Those events have all been recorded many times over, and I do not particularly care to relive them. I will say, however, that I first saw combat in the early summer of 1915, at what I believe is now termed the Battle of Artois. Strange to hear it referred to like that, even in my own voice— it is an ill-fitting name, almost heroic on the tongue, but then I don’t think that even a mind so great as dear Wilfred’s could come up with a name that did fit.

What? No, I didn’t know Wilfred Owen personally, though I often feel as though I did. I’m not as intimately familiar with his history as I am with his writing, so it’s entirely possible that we fought at some of the same battles— even that we saw one another, though at the time I obviously wouldn’t have recognized him. What’s that line from Longfellow? “Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing.” Rather. 

I apologize, I’m a bit off topic. Feel free to omit this section of the recording, if you like, it’s just— Wilfred had a way of speaking of the war that I’ve never heard anyone else quite match in visceral accuracy. There is a kind of knowing in it that I’ve come to believe can only be obtained by the experience of what it was. There’s been much written about the war since his time, but nothing that really…captures is the wrong word, you can’t capture a thing like that. Expresses, maybe. I remember the first time I read his poetry I had the odd thought that it sounded as though the war itself were speaking, with Wilfred as its mouthpiece, or perhaps its translator.

I’m rambling. This isn’t what you asked me in here for. I should describe the battle to you, such as I am able. I say that because, in the vein of the above, I have more often than not found myself lacking the words to express the things I experienced in those two years. In my former years I fancied myself a poet, but now…

But I will try my best. I can start, at least, by setting the scene. It was early May, a lovely time of year in the north of France; the winter had been harsh but short, and as we marched through the countryside we were all awed by the beauty of our surroundings. Being from New England, I was not at all used to the sort of gentle blooming that constitutes late spring in much of Europe; I associated the season with mud and slush and fervid, feverish warmth. I vividly recall the sight of the trees that dotted the field that would become the scene of such carnage positively bursting into flower. Even when we had dug ourselves into the trenches, and all the misery that comes from life within them, there was the not insignificant consolation of the world outside. 

I have forgotten— or blocked out, perhaps— the tactical details of the battle that I was privy to. I knew what I needed to know at the time, and nothing more; I have no interest in improving my knowledge now. And anyway, in the thick of the fray, there is no such thing as tactics, because there is no such thing as consciousness. You momentarily go mad with fear, and it is a mercy, for if you had to witness the savagery taking place before and within you as a thinking and feeling man, I am confident that something essential within you would be as surely murdered as the fellow soldier speared on the end of your bayonet.

I apologize for the grisliness of my language, but you must understand that I am only trying to convey to you a sliver of a fragment of a fraction of what it was truly like. I cannot show you the fullness of it, of course, nor would I want to. I would never wish such a thing on anyone. But— your aim, as I am told, is to know as much as you can about this particular moment, and so I will try and provide you with that knowledge at as little cost to your sanity as possible.

And I do mean sanity. I am not unlearned in the occult (as you may have come to suspect granted the discrepancy between my appearance, my true age, and the story I am telling you) and in my time studying those strange arts I have been privy to a great number of secrets one might consider maddening. You are an institute devoted to the study of the paranormal, so you will know the gravity of what I am saying when I tell you that there is nothing in Prinn or Chambers or even Al-Hazred that so much as holds a candle to what it was like to fight in the Great War. 

The battle waged on for what felt like years, but in fact were only days— about two weeks, all told. I remember very little of the specifics; all of it blurs together in a haze of mud and blood and screams and gore, violent and unceasing death on every side, and fear that filled me with such icy coldness that I thought I would freeze solid on the spot. Such utter and infinite horror, and all of it enacted on that pastoral field, beneath a beautiful spring sky, around trees so delicate and fragrant I sometimes thought I was hallucinating them. I wonder if all the blood in the soil changed the color of those lovely white flowers.

Eventually it was over, though I felt as though I had lived a thousand lifetimes before that day came. When my commander told the regiment that the Germans had surrendered, or that we had, or that the random and reignless turning of the war had rendered us a stalemate, I felt as though I might die with relief. Temporary as it was.

The dead were everywhere. That’s what I mostly remember, about the days after the battle— the sheer plenitude of bodies, and the weak-kneed gratefulness that I was not among them, that I had escaped with nothing but a bullet wound to the upper arm and a bayonet scar that cut from the corner of my mouth to my ear and always made me look as though I were half-smiling in polite concern. [Gestures to upper lip, though no such wound is visible.] They filled the abandoned trenches and the open field of no-man’s-land, of course, but also the places in which we living made our salvaged lives— makeshift field hospitals, filthy messes, even the pitiful “rooms” where we slept. It was like living in a cemetery, but instead of clean graven headstones the markers of the dead were their bodies, slowly beginning to stink in the spring air. I remember— thinking of that line in Eliot, in The Waste Land, where he quotes Dante. “So many, I had not thought that death had undone so many.” But for months and months there was no burial of the dead, none at all.

It was not as bad as the battle itself, this living amongst the dead, but because we were fully conscious and thinking while going about our days it was much more— impactful, I suppose. Before I had always thought of the deceased as relics to be treated with respect, but seeing them lying where they died and dying where they lay, bloated and pale and so unnameably numerous, drove home to me the unimaginable insignificance of us, all of us, you and I and Wilfred and every other human being that is or was or ever shall be. (Isn’t that the phrase? I was raised Episcopalian, but that was so very long ago.) We are such ephemeral creatures, meat and spark, flickers in a howling void. Or, at least, it is hard not to conclude such things.

It must be strange for you, hearing sentiments so bitter from the lips of a young man. By now, though, you ought to have realized that I am not fully what I seem to be, and the face I wear is not wholly my own. “Life is very long,” to pull from dear Thomas again, and mine more than most. I have known so much, and seen so much, and yet— nothing I have seen or known has touched those days among the dead, those hours underneath the spring sky, looking into the faces of men I knew that know me no longer.

I met a god once, many years ago. Not one of the petty gods, mind you, but— whatever it is that is the proper term for the ones above them. (Perhaps it’s misleading to call them gods— they’re more like forces of nature, as fundamental and ineffable as gravity. The Norse have a term for their type: “they who sit beyond the shadow.”) In my youth I was an adventurer in more lands than our world knows, and I was…reckless. Foolhardy, and often too skilled in the ways of dreaming for my own good. I got it into my head to challenge a divine mandate that had been set down before me, and spent months and months questing after a desire I had only the vaguest idea of. Eventually my seeking led me to a mountain a thousand times greater than any on this planet, atop which I met— well. I probably shouldn’t say his name out loud. 

He tried to kill me, of course, because he was— is— cruel. Though that word, too, is misleading; would you call a human cruel for crushing a particularly noisome fly between his fingers? I can hardly blame him, really. Before that, though, he strode up to me and took my face in his hands and kissed me, which I found absurd at the time and still do now. What could possibly motivate such a being to focus his attention on me? I didn’t know. Still don’t, and I’m not sure I want to be given the answer.

But that isn’t the point. The point is that during the time I spent in his presence, with what must have been an infinitesimal sliver of his full attention focused on me, I felt as though I were— there’s no simile I could use to describe it. The closest I can come is that it was what an ant must feel, caught in a concentrated sunbeam reflected by a magnifying glass, at the moment just before it burns up. The term “under the microscope” is a pale shadow of what it was like, but it conveys the general sense. I couldn’t think or speak or move; I’ve been hypnotized before, and this was a thousand times more intense. I thought— to the extent that I could— that I was going to die, right there; I thought I would turn to ash in an instant, like Semele at the sight of Zeus. To this day I believe that if I had spent one more instant in his presence I would have been vaporized. His nearly killing me was a mercy.

That was how the war felt. That sense of ultimate, final, finitive insignificance in the face of something for which you have no name, something for which there is no name. The god I saw, the god who kissed me, he was the war made a brilliant mockery of flesh, and behind his golden eyes I saw the carnage I knew so well writ large across the whole of the cosmos. It is what this universe is made of. It is all that there is, and was, and ever shall be.

I nearly died a year and a half later, at Belloy-en-terre during the Battle of the Somme. A shell hit the ground directly behind me and flung me into the air as if I were a doll, scarring my back with shrapnel and nearly snapping my spine. As I lay there on my stomach in the mud of no-man’s-land, ears ringing and mind woozy, I could have sworn I felt a familiar hand on the nape of my neck.

After that I was too badly shell-shocked to fight. Once my wounds had been seen to, they sent me back stateside, and I finished recuperating in Boston— my cousin Ernest had graciously (for once) taken over the maintenance of my house in Beacon Hill during my absence, and I was welcomed back warmly by those of my friends who had not also gone off to war, willingly or not. And life went on, as it has a tendency to do in the world of the living. My life, strange and wondrous as it has been, continued on its course.

I dream often. Mostly of the war, sometimes of the god, frequently of both. I wonder how much of those latter dreams are my doing, and how much are his— I had a lover once who jokingly told me that I was “supernatural catnip,” and I’d thought it funny at the time. But I have a feeling I’m not being left entirely alone with my memories, such as they are.

[transfagged]

all 92 😘

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?no way man she’d probably dom the fuck out of me

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?nope.

3. Have you taken someones virginity?n o p e

4. Is trust a big issue for you?YEAH

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?like in terms of romantic??? no. like in terms of “we have a really weird relationship and idfk how i feel @ you”? yeah.

6. What are you excited for?april 19th!!! my friend and i are going to go see phoebe bridgers in madison!!!!

7. What happened tonight?its 10am so ill roll with last night: i played nv and got killed in a beautiful cacophony of deathclaws and the legion :) and then my game crashed.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?no bc id be right there with them

9. Is confidence cute?very

10. What is the last beverage you had?i think some water? okay not the last but: hot water is so good with wildflower honey pls just drink some its good for your soul okay???

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?opposite is bullshit but i guess like,, 3? half my friends are nonbinary so counting EVERYONE regardless of gender and shit id say 6 people

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?im a proud supporter of boys in skinny jeans and i own 2 or 3 pairs

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?my main ho @thebonerfoy is coming up to visit me and were probably gonna pack all my shit in her car and play cards against humanity

14. What are you going to spend money on next? lmao probably my student loans. unless i can get the hours i asked for at work or a sugar daddy, then im gonna buy a proper lid for my fishtank bc my poor kid has a piece of cardboard rn.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?yeah. even in a state of stagnation were changing somehow.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?probably amanda, but im working on trying to be better with everyone

18. The last time you felt broken?my dude, im broken right now. its okay though. like i said, im working on it. were all fckn broken somehow.

19. Have you had sex today?not unless a ghost and i got in on in my sleep. which would be pretty cool ngl

20. Are you starting to realize anything?on a deep level: i deserve respect and a lot of my issues relate directly to my upbringing, including my inability to receive praise or speak well of myselfon a not-deep level: kinda hungry.

21. Are you in a good mood?i think i just heard fedex or ups outside so my mood just skyrocketed

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?maybe like. nurse sharks. theyre really cute.

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?yeah

24. What do you want right this second?to take a day to go into the city with all my friends that i cant see on a regular basis

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?probably be upset unless we discussed it beforehand. then id be fckn cheering for them like you go get some!!!! do it man!!!! in general tho: if i wasnt with them and they didnt show interest in me and showed interest in someone else id just move tf on.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?half of it is bc my roots are growing out

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?no. too boring.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?okay so i went to renew my library books and one of my favorite youtubers is on the library website dressed as one of his characters and i completely flipped because i watch his gaming channel and now hes interviewing authors for my library??? he doesnt even live in my town!! hes in madison!!

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?no? im enjoying my solitude atm

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?depends on the person

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?no! hes my friend and gives really good advice!

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?i think so. i mean, were kind of a thing.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?yeah.

34. Listening to?killer - phoebe bridgers

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?only if im doing a rough journal spread, which i dont normally do

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?hes probably in class right now. 

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?love at first sight? no. some sort of mutual infatuation/attraction? yes.

38. Who did you last call?my mom

39. Who was the last person you danced with?dancing with as in both dancing at the same time? probably amanda or my mom.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?we were dating and he was cute lmao

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? a couple months ago? 

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?no bc she leaves for work before i wake up

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?constantly.

44. Do you tan in the nude?lmao no.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?no. as previously stated, i liked the guy and he was cute. why would i take that back?

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?yeah

47. Who was the last person to call you?my mom

48. Do you sing in the shower?sometimes

49. Do you dance in the car?yEAH

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?yes i love my bow :’) its so good and wow i love archery

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?picture day junior year of highschool, and if that doesnt count: my mother took me in at jcp to have pictures taken when i graduated 8th grade and theyre awful bc my hair is so long and its so not me

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?excuse me, how dare you,, in this house we ask for war and peace for christmas because npgc1812 is so good and then get addicted to ghost quartet (@ anyone reading this: pls listen to ghost quartet it is so so so good)

53. Is Christmas stressful?depends on the year, but i hope in the future i can spend it with my friends :)

54. Ever eat a pierogi?i just had some last night for dinner and im probably going to eat the leftovers in a couple minutes. also, my mother is polish and we see her family for holidays, so yeah. lots of pierogi in this house.

update: i got the leftovers

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?idk??? apple? im basic okay i dont eat pie

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?1. teacher2. ballerina3. both 1 & 2, simultaneously4. paleontologist5. archaeologist6. both 4 & 5, simultaneously7. librarian8. game designer9. author/illustrator

57. Do you believe in ghosts?yeah

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?almost daily

59. Take a vitamin daily?im supposed to ;) vitamin d deficiency like a real champ

60. Wear slippers?real talk i never liked slippers but then i bought these cute pig slippers @ walmart for $10 and i love them so much i tried wearing them to sleep last night. also im wearing them rn theyre so cute

61. Wear a bath robe?i live in a dorm, so yeah. to the bathroom and back when i take a shower. sometimes im lazy and i just run around in a towel but so do half the people on my side of the hall lmao were all lazy and dead inside

62. What do you wear to bed?fluffy pajama pants or sweats, tshirt or hoodie, socks, sometimes slippers.. once i fell asleep with a beanie on. when im being an Adult i wear my actual pajamas!!! like a legit shirt and pants that match

63. First concert?none that i was old enough to remember :’) apparently my mom took me to the rodeo when we lived in texas and saw some country group but i was like 2 so idfk

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?TARGET I AM A CERTIFIED TARGET GAY

65. Nike or Adidas?adidas bc my feet are too wide to fit in nikes

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?yall real talk i used to love cheetos but i think im allergic to them now? last time i had them my throat got all swollen and hurt for like 3 days so im gonna have to say fritos. plus theyre really good if you put them in chili

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?sunflower seeds bc im a slut for anything i can have a spitting contest with

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?lmao i used to like her when i was like. 11. not my scene anymore

69. Ever take dance lessons?i dont think so?

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?anything that makes them happy, but also something fun!!!! like wedding photographer or a baker or maybe zookeeper?

71. Can you curl your tongue?idk??? kinda????? i can tie a cherry stem so i want to say yes.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?no i always got out bc my anxiety made me stutter/rush and miss letters, so i never even got past the classroom levels to the real thing

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?a lot!!! i laugh so hard i cry and get a stomach ache more than id like to admit

74. What is your favorite book?eleanor & park by rainbow rowell :) OR alice’s adventures in wonderland by lewis caroll

75. Do you study better with or without music?depends on if i can get into hyperfocus mode or not. if not, then i pick one song and put it on loop and blast it until it fades and is just loud background noise, but if i can focus then silence is best

76. Regularly burn incense?i used to but no burning anything in the dorms :( then i came home for break and it started giving me a headache

77. Ever been in love?i think so

78. Who would you like to see in concert?kesha, against me!, my chemical romance (rip), bigbang (also rip)

79. What was the last concert you saw?the one i mentioned earlier @ a rodeo

80. Hot tea or cold tea?hot tea

81. Tea or coffee?i live on coffee but i love tea too so both

82. Favorite type of cookie?mmm snickerdoodle. or just sugar cookies. chocolate chip is good when theyre hot and melty but not as good when theyre cold

83. Can you swim well?yeah! i love swimming!

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?yeah?

85. Are you patient?hahahahahahhahahahhahahhaa

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?oo. oooooo. okay so dj would have more variety of music but im a sucker for live music??? idk i feel like a band would be more memorable, but what if they fuck up your favorite song??? but what if they make it more special???????

87. Ever won a contest?yeah! i won an art contest once and got my drawing printed on christmas cards for a nonprofit that did things for cancer patients!

88. Ever have plastic surgery?im 17 i dont have that kind of money

89. Which are better black or green olives?depends on what theyre in?

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?good. live your life fuck the rules

91. Best room for a fireplace?bedroom!!! i love fireplaces in bedrooms its such a Look

92. Do you want to get married?idk. if it happens then it happens. im not planning on it though.

[iamkellyadams]

10 Self Care Strategies For Busy Moms

Self-Care Is a Habit Built From Mindset

Taking time to nurture yourself has nothing to do with being selfish. It is about self-care.

Self-care is a habit that is built from the mindset of it being imperative, your responsibility, and a preventative measure to keep you well. Its effectiveness lies in constant and ongoing repetition of many tiny habits that in their totality ensure that you are well in mind, body, spirit and in your life quality.

This is good news because it means that we need not take a 2-week vacation, in fact to be most effective self-care should be practiced daily, with even the smallest actions having a big impact on our state of mind, and the health of our bodies and spirits, all of which improve our quality of life.

Best Self Care Strategies For Busy Moms

Like achieving any other success, improving your self-care skills requires a strategy, remember that self-care is a deliberate effort.

1. Make You A Priority

Our culture is immersed in this idea that it is selfish to put yourself first. When you are in a relationship you’re expected to put the needs of someone else first before you act you should consider their interests and needs. Then you have children and it’s the same but an even bigger thing.

Suddenly you are in third place behind your partner and kids, maybe even fourth place if you have a job to juggle, too. It’s understandable that you want to consider the needs and happiness of others and it’s completely normal that you want to ensure they feel understood and heard.

However, in loving others there is room to love yourself. In fact, if you don’t love yourself how on earth can you be expected to love anyone else?

2. Treat Yourself With Respect and Compassion

This is so simple, if you live your life and make decisions from this simple standpoint, then everything else will fall into place. You will begin to make yourself a priority, and look out for your own needs.

3. Love Yourself

What does this phrase even mean? Well, quite simply it means that you make yourself a priority and that you take care of you.

When you do, it becomes easier to care for others, because your own happiness is overflowing. You become a better person when you learn to love yourself.

You have more to give to your partner, your children, your family, your friends, and even your job. Maybe the biggest issue with the thought, culturally, is that we associate putting yourself with forgetting about everyone else.

In fact, the opposite is true. Putting everyone else before you can lead to frustration and resentment, especially when you suffer in silence.

4. Don’t Apologize For Putting You First

Who do you spend the most time with? You. So, why on earth would you ever feel the need to apologize for making yourself a priority? You need to invest in making your own passions and goals come true, rather than being completely focused on doing the same for others.

The situations that life throws at you quickly sap your resources, and generally, those situations require time or money. You don’t empty your bank account without topping it up; you need to top yourself up, too. Therefore, when you need some me time, don’t you dare apologize for it. Prioritize yourself so that you can give everyone else what they need.

Putting Yourself First Pays Off

You know that saying that if you aren’t first, you’re last … it’s really accurate in this situation because if you don’t put yourself first you will be last on your agenda and it will be easier and easier for other things to slide in ahead of you. Here’s how putting yourself first pays off:

➢ Healthy & Happy

The people that you love want to be happy and healthy. Now, think about all of your friendships and relationships and how they improve when you feel you best (mentally, emotionally, and physically). Just think about how you feel when you eat well, exercise regularly, and enjoy a good night’s sleep.

Compare that with your relationships when you’re exhausted and irritable, too caught up in filling everyone else’s needs and desires rather than your own. You can’t give your best when you’re not at your best.

➢ Burnout Saps Your Joy

Have you ever tried to indulge in one of your favorite activities when you’re completely burned out? It isn’t enjoyable, is it? When you’re exhausted and overworked, you’re stressed out and wracked with anxiety, so much so that even a relaxing dinner with friends is just another chore to add to your list.

The truth is you need a proper break to remember how to be present for the moments that you should be enjoying. Burnout depletes your levels of happy hormones and when you’re in survival mode, you are at greater risk for mental health issues. Learn how to say no to others and say yes to yourself.

Resting Is Compulsory

There are probably a bunch of items on your to do list that you can cross off and forget about, whereas you can’t cross rest off your list. You wouldn’t keep driving your car with a flat tire; let the oil or gas run out, so why on earth would you do it yourself? It can be difficult, though, because you feel that you have to say yes, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. What about your feelings?

A failure to rest is going to increase your cortisol levels and just make your situation worse and feed into the vicious cycle of burnout. It’s okay to put yourself first and choose the couch over a big night out. 


➢ Improved Health

You will be in far better health when you learn to prioritize your self-care. Exhaustion, anxiety, and stress contribute to a variety of illnesses. Stress triggers a chain reaction that draws all of the available resources just to get you through the situation, leaving other areas of your body lacking.

➢ Energy

You bring a certain energy to every situation that you are involved in. If you carry an angry energy, the people around you will see it, the same as they can feel your happy energy. It doesn’t even have to be that obvious an energy for it to transfer to others. So, be mindful of the fact that your stress and moodiness can transfer to those around you.

The best thing that you can do for the people in your life is to put yourself first, practice self-care, and be the best you possible. If that means saying no sometimes then be brave and say no. When your body and mind are trying to tell you to slow down, listen.

5. Ditch The Guilt

Have you ever felt guilty about taking care of your son, daughter, mother, sister, or spouse? Think about this for a moment. Likely, your answer is no, but you likely do feel guilt when taking time to do something to take care of yourself.

One way to overcome this type of guilt is to understand the big picture, without self-care you end up running on empty and you cannot care for or give to others from an empty cup.

6. Ditch Perfection

Paul Hewitt, PhD, says, “I don’t think needing to be perfect is in any way adaptive.” With over 20 years of research behind them, both Hewitt and his colleague, Gordon Flett, PhD have found that perfectionism correlates with anxiety, eating disorders, depression, and a host of other mental health problems along with several studies that show it to contribute to psychopathology.

At the root of perfectionism is control, but perfectionism can never truly be achieved, and it’s exhausting. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact it takes way too much of valuable time that can be spent caring for yourself instead.

Your house need not be perfect, you don’t have to be perfectly organized, and it’s okay if your car did not get a wash today. Give yourself permission to make mistakes, focus on your own self-care instead and it will help you release the need for control.

Let go of perfection, it’s exhausting and nobody is perfect. Life is too short! If you find it difficult to let go of being perfect, seek professional help from a qualified therapist or psychologist.

7. Superwoman Does Not Exist

Stop trying to be a superwoman who can do it all, after all, you are only human!

8. Plan To Be Spontaneous

Spontaneity is a key component of emotional and mental wellness. Remember that self-care need not be a planned time intensive event, even a few minutes each day can have a profound impact. Spontaneity is something that can help in this regard.

Whenever you have a few moments of free time, for example while the baby is napping or a lunch break at work, choose to do something for yourself. You can also set up time that can be used to be spontaneous; this means planning time in your schedule without any plans, an hour here, an hour there can really add up and make a great impact on your wellness.

Those holes in your schedule can be used to…

Take a drive

Read a book

Take a hot bath

Call a friend

Watch a movie

Just sit in your garden and enjoy a glass of wine or a cup of coffee


9. Making Self-Care Your Own

It is important to make your self-care ritual your own. What may work for some women may not be ideal for you. While some women love taking hot baths, others are better served lifting weights. Some women practice their rituals first thing in the morning, so they get up extra early to do so, while others prefer afternoons or evenings for their rituals.

The point is that the self-care techniques your adopt help you to destress, stay calm, and take good care of yourself. You do not need any authority to tell you what you need, you are the only one that can answer that question, and this may take some introspection, especially if you have not regularly been in touch with your needs in the past.

You may have to try a few things to find those that make you feel more centered, calmer, destressed, refreshed, and cared for.

You should create a standing appointment with you. Find something that you love and dedicate time to indulge in it, whether it’s painting, writing, or having a mani-pedi. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it brings you happiness.

Make everyone understand that nothing should be scheduled around this appointment, it’s yours. Having an activity that you enjoy allows you to relax, de-stress, and eases some of the emotional tension you experience.

You can make a special appointment once a week, but do find quiet time for yourself every day, whether it’s as little as 10 minutes or as much as an hour.

You’re worth it. It isn’t escaping from your life, it’s the direct opposite, it’s enjoying it by embracing it for yourself.

10. Create A Habit With Rituals

The most effective way to achieve a goal is to make it a habit. Doing something for yourself, with self-care rituals every single day is where you start to form these habits. Commit to doing some type of self-care activity each day, before long it will become automatic, and you will find the positive results motivating you to continue.

With just a little bit of attention to your own self-care, you will form habits that pay off in big amounts. You will feel more whole mentally and emotionally, and stronger physically, all of which will make your life balanced and happier.

Who am I and Why you should listen to me?

For those of you that don’t know I am Hillary Fay, I have a passion for yoga and transformational arts. This overflows into everything that I create from my classes, workshops, yoga teacher training’s, Reiki certifications, and Evolutionary Arts Practitioner Certification.

As a teacher and teacher of teachers, I am here to help you deepen into your own Source of Unconditional Love — S.O.U.L. So, you can access all the gifts that always are, and always will be inherent within you through breath work, Kundalini Yoga, Reiki, Alchemy, Vinyasa Flow, Meditation and much more.

My passion is sharing what I have learned with everyone.

From a very young age I was inspired to seek healing and be at peace. At the young tender age of 12 I had lived in 8 states, been through trauma and abuse and experienced far more than any 12-year-old should.

From the deep suffering came the greatest gift I could have ever imagined.

Now I embody love and want to help others do just the same. I’ve taught over 10,000 students. You are capable of being loved, filled with energy and amazing presence!

Ask yourself – what would it be like to wake up feeling happy and confident, that you’ll have all the energy you need to feel good at the end of the day? Now you can feel the transformation of deep self-care.

In this fast-paced world, we live in, it can get lost as to what we need to do to help ourselves.

I’ve designed a program to help you increase energy, return to your own power, and give yourself the boost you need to continue showing up for others without draining themselves.

In my Ultimate Self-Care Kit, you’ll be getting tried and proven practices to help you create and set the energy you need to feel your best in only minutes a day.

Introducing…

THE ULTIMATE SELF-CARE KIT

The Ultimate Self-Care Kit contains everything you need to dive deep into what self-love and self-care really are. 

Including 7 guided meditation audios created with binaural beats which help to access deeper states of well-being:

The Safe to Be Mediation to reconnect with your breath

A powerful Energy Clearing meditation that you can use every single day to reset your energy

The Deep Relaxation Meditation for Self-Care to unwind your nervous system

A Yoga Nidra (the Yoga of Sleep) Meditation. This will help you tap into your Theta state where you can access your own source of intuition and love. The more we access Theta state the more we learn how to trust ourselves and our own gut instincts.

The Divine Mother Meditation will help you feel cherished, love and accepted.

The Love Consciousness Activation is designed to support you in grounding.

The Self Sourcing Meditation for igniting the love and support you deserve

You simply need to get comfy on your couch or in a quiet space and focus on your much needed self-care to help you get real stress relief and the rejuvenation of spirit they desperately want.  

​Special bonuses include potent breathing exercises and meditation videos from the best of yogic science:

Breathing exercises to help you relax into a restful night’s sleep

Breathing exercises to boost your immune system and activate your Inner Sun

Full Hatha yoga class specifically designed for self-care and grounding

PDF workbook for Creating Healthy Boundaries

This helps you live your best life…without the guilt, which empowers you and everyone around you.

Regain control of your mind, body, and spirit…and feel the power of true transformation. You need my Ultimate Self-Care Kit in your life right now. Click here, The Ultimate Self-Care Kit.

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[wallkickswillwork]

signal jamming

incoherency is comforting because of the narrative weve been fed our whole entire lives that in order to be palatable media must in some way be complete and have beveled, well-defined edges rather than being a mess of finger paints, bright colors, strange dialogues and verbiage, build trees of moods.

thoughts on: -futuristic anime, 90s anime and the unique sense of mood in toonami shows. they are a very good series of shows for people who are coming of age and who must slowly be forced to reckon with the industrialization and mercenary nature of adult life, as it is increasingly held captive by capitalism. there is also something essentially spiritual about it, especially shows like precure and dbz, where an interior or exterior-made-interior force is responsible for the protagonists' success in the face of an oppressive world-system. under capitalism, it frequently is the case that the entire world or entirety-of-world is against us. heroes must overcome overwhelming odds to leave their mark on a gauntlet of greats. -cowboy bebop, final fantasy 7, metroid as meditations on loss, urbanization, dating back to blade runner. this is a type of meditation that is present in much of cyberpunk, but its also not exclusively cyberpunk, and can extend in nature to non-cyberpunk works.

thinking about necrobarista and how its attempting to "resuscitate" anime, while this approach doesnt really examine what contemporary anime like jojos, precure, and slightly more dated anime like hidaske and nichijou do well. if we get all this tunnel vision for gurren lagann and flcl we can never look forward. i think a lot of the visual work that needs to be done is probably in movies. i think maybe there could be work done to marry cinema proper with its animated counterpart. steven universe seems like it gets it, and there are some anime that really seemed like they got it. i dont think were beyond salvation.

-listening to the whos "tommy" and thinking about how trauma and the humanity of that trauma is experienced and lived-through by the main character in socratic fashion. these stories are discussed by people whose actual, authentic experience of trauma irl is doubtful at best. they are great successes on stage who dont struggle in the sense that an actual victim would struggle. calls to mind how a lot of freuds patients would fabricate csa in order to fulfill the expectations of the therapist. but in other cases, actual patients with csa would repress their experiences or not feel comfortable discussing. so thats how i feel about gurus like meher baba or i guess alan watts. less trustworthy and more like scam artists. i do believe in what they teach, however. i think that a guru can teach the truth even if that guru is a liar. maybe its the truth, but the guru doesnt know it to be true, or else, the way the guru teaches it is untrue.

-for a while i imagined my own autism to be the result of childhood trauma that was repressed, but later emerged that those memories were fabricated, to my knowledge, and was left wondering.

-learning to regard the world with a sense of wonder from media like cowboy bebop and ff7. these worlds are jaded and decaying realities but there is a sense of awe at the vast, uncompromising reality. truly vast, sprawling and yawning cities and vast starry skies up above. beholding these things and beholding the starry skies and huge cities of our own planet surely stirs something in me.

-fantasy anime tends to go the joke route like slayers or else the route of "we are all kids, bro, stuck in an mmo" and i think this is mostly due to the admittedly antiquated setting of high fantasy in european trochets and history which to japanese people probably feel like white person set dressing and as they should, i mean. there are more high fantasy themes in something like inuyasha and japans history can be feudal, edo, the meiji restoration, primordial like princess mononoke, etc, so theres more wiggle room for historical works there. slayers et al is usually reduced to "characters moving around the forest" which is almost like this grand slice of the collective anime consciousness as it stands overlapping with, say, pokemon, to the extent where its one of the cliche anime things everyone thinks about, alongside high school, robots, nurses, etc.

-another thing to which we could probably ascribe the success of something like slayers to is wizardry and by proxy dragon quest. small graph paper monster garden games. the appeal is entirely mathematical so there are only a few directions that anime directors tend to run with it (goofy gag comedy if youre making a show or cut and dried authentic dungeon crawlers with moe characters instead of the usual dbz ones). going off what you definitely learn in japanese history class if youre a japanese student, for starters, there are thousands of years of chinese history, so you have romance of 3 kingdoms type stuff. or you have high school romances accounting for the various fire emblems where the appeal becomes game of thronesy "which of my characters in dragon quest land can i make kiss each other and myself", very good ground to cover as we start asking the important questions. theres samurai stuff as we already know, drawing on years of samurai media, kurosawas films and zen spirituality, art of the blade type stuff, jeet kune do in some instances and reaching so far afield as to probably raise some interesting and important questions about pan-asiatic cultural identity which this author (white) is ill-advised to answer. but reeling it back in, the question mostly being of history, and how a lot of fantasy media draws more from History proper as a codified cultural body than histories being individuated familial experiences. its true that when a work does something unique with history (earthbounds hippy dippy approach to the 1960s, undertales handling of furry culture, yume nikkis south american murals) its tended to be seen as that works "thing" as if because hulk hogan was an all american wrestler that precluded john cena from being same, or at least, embodying a similar if slightly modified niche. nobody can make a hippy dippy rpg now or something because itd just be called an earthbound ripoff rather than a loving homage. and i think thats wrong headed and how genres become stillborn rather than invented and developed upon. we have this vast morass of stuff from the 20th century and we could be developing various 60s, 70s, 80s fantasies. hindsight is 20/20 i guess. who knows, we could see bluff city become something in 50 years time.

i feel this is because of extreme stringent expectations of intellectual property laws and their dissemination into everyday discourse online. i dont really like or agree with monolithic cultural expectations like intellectual property or *shudder* advertising, but only to the extent where i can acknowledge that whether or not i agree with them is irrelevant to their all-consuming scope and the need for marxists to actively combat them. its one thing to say "x is bad" and another to clamor for urgency of fighting x, which is, if you believe what we read every day about global warming, too late, so its not important. nevertheless there are a multiplicity of settings that could be developed into genres and identities and ideologues that rarely are if only because it would be seen as "oh yeah like that other thing". people are fickle and develop dwarflike strange moods when it comes to defining what constitutes original versus hackneyed and derivative. i think its mostly dictated by star signs and the weather.

so lately if you follow me on twitter youve probably noticed im doing sort of a tweet concrete kind of thing where i post plaintext quotes from various media taken out of context. i decided to do this for a while, maybe a few weeks, because aesthetic blogs and the aesthetic style of blogging allow me to pool and channel my energies towards larger and more ambitious styles of writing. i usually get loaded on caffeine during this process and frequently watch large amounts of anime and meditate some. its definitely a process and its geared toward something hazily, vaguely spiritual but with pretentions toward being authentically publishable as theory. the idea also being i would like to make some money to support my livelihood, and i like to write, and am somewhat skilled at it, or at least experienced in kind of a ramshackle homespun sort of way. so if my social media presence is pretty boring and kind of weirdly nostalgic or else contrariwise if you feel it has improved lately thats the reason why that happened.

ive been getting very hazy and foggy mentally lately. i feel like it has to do with caffeination and lack of sleep. its important to get everything flowing properly, and sometimes depression and anxiety make that difficult to do. theres anxiety over unemployment, something im trying to remedy, and theres anxiety over theory and where to proceed next via theory. for years i was a devout buddhist in some ways, and meditated a lot, almost every day. i prayed to the bodhisattvas and copped to buddhist metaphysics, something which, based around personal life experience, i had every reason to believe was true. lately and in my own, strange way, ive begun to question this ideology and interpret it as part of a patchwork of ideologies, each one which attempts to describe a totality, a totality which is rarely if ever described properly by any ideology. grasping at straws in a structural sense, and feeling nonplussed but with no ground to run to, and im back on the boss level in super mario 64 where bowser smashes the ground to make it fall away. attempts at restructuring as this dissolution transpires only serve to create new protocols equal in scope to pre-existing paradigms. and there are plenty of people who dont struggle this much with religion and probably still go to heaven, or think theyre going to heaven, or something. hows marge and the kids. did jerry get that new promotion. mom just got back from vacation in cancun. smalltalk style concerns arising in every day transitionary speech feel distinct and very distant from these kind of hazy, pie in the sky questions. plato never wrote about the kind of stuff you see in a cheers episode. there are philosophy books that try to merge the two, but they usually get shelved in the comedy section.

so its mostly a matter of trying to absorb and contain new information, which abides in abundance, and trying to corral it into sort of a pointing arrow to direct me where to go, in my hewing, a feat not easily done. probably the endgame is in the crafting and solution of art, but what kind of art, and whether i have the tools at my disposal to even create it, is less easily answered. so for now, i guess, im absorbing, waiting, asking questions, and who knows, and who can say.

earliest memories of religion are of the greco roman religion and not knowing about the mystery religious rites but knowing about an abstract concept of wisdom and the ocean and extrapolating the existence of athena and poseidon in that way. later i have memories of exposure to christianity and buddhism and bahai but none of these things feel particularly useful to me at this time in my life. i can more readily receive a picture, a kind of enlarged image, of a broad religious landscape and some of the questions it attempts to provide answers for, or at least, a way of thinking about. the greco roman religion, for instance, is a presentation of a deleuzian multiplicity, and the monotheistic religions are a monad, but i also dont think either of these things can say the other is inherently undesireable. tolerance seems to be the best method, but also, and likewise, not dwelling specifically in any of them. acknowledging they all exist, but not being any of them. enjoying in surfeit the tension between multiplicity and monad. that there can be many things and one thing. like the album cover of dark side of the moon.

[loth-cat]

I should be sewing, instead I typed this up. A section from The Time Travel AU I Probably Won’t Ever Write. Ezra gets some advice. 

“You haven’t studied much of the philosophy behind being a Jedi, have you?” Master Billaba didn’t stir from where she knelt, to all appearances oblivious to everything around her in her meditation. Ezra had seen Kanan pull that trick often enough to know it wasn’t anything more flashy than having a good Sabbac-face.

 “Well, no, but it wasn’t like it was all that important.” Ezra winced at how the words sounded. “I mean, I know it’s important, but we were trying to stay alive.” The words sounded like a lousy excuse even to him. It was true though, they hadn’t had time to sit around discussing the meaning behind the universe when there was survival to worry about.

 He didn’t know much about Master Billaba, except she wasn’t much like he expected. He had known her name and that she was Kanan’s Master, but Kanan had always grown tense and uncomfortable when the subject came up and Ezra never wanted to push. He’d half expected an older, female version of Kanan. While it was true there was a great deal of physical resemblance that he hasn’t expected, personality-wise so far there was nearly nothing in common. He knew she was probably deliberately distancing herself from him, but when Kanan didn’t trust someone he was openly hostile or overly friendly. This calm sort of apathy was alien to him, even if Ezra knew she had to care or she wouldn’t have asked him to meet her here. Here was a greenhouse garden inside the Temple, Ezra wasn’t sure if the roof panels were actual viewports to let in the sunlight, or a clever viewscreen to mimic a sky, either way it gave the impression of open air. He didn’t recognize half the plants and he was fairly sure they were all ornamental rather than useful, but it was a pleasant change from the nearly sterile seeming hallways and rooms he’d been in so far.

 There was a long padded mat stretched out near the small fountain where Master Billaba was kneeling, and Ezra stood awkwardly in front of her until she opened her eyes and gestured to the rest of the mat. Ezra hoped that was a good sign, moving to sit on the unused section of mat beside her.

 “What did you learn?” Her voice was calm, and expecting to be called on the poor excuse and to try and defend it, Ezra was left floundering.

 “Um, to trust in the Force, to trust your instincts but not your emotions, overindulgence is forbidden, attachments are forbidden. That sort of thing, you mean the philosophy part and not the fighting part, right.” Ezra tried to think back, things tended to have come in bits and pieces, nothing like when he’d attended Imperial classes.

 “A simplistic description, but it’s a start. Do you know why there are rules regarding attachments?” Billaba questioned him, Ezra shifted uncomfortably.

 “I’m... not sure because they’re supposed to be forbidden, but at the same time I’ve seen how they can help, that people working together can do a lot more good than individuals acting on their own. I mean, I don’t want to question a fundamental part of it, but…” Ezra watched Master Billaba’s profile, not that it did him much good. Kanan sometimes allowed questioning like that, but it was easy to read if he was just going to get a frustrated admonishment to figure it out himself or if Kanan was in the mood to talk about it. Master Billaba’s expression never changed and he couldn’t tell if she was annoyed or not.

 “It is a complicated topic, and something that even old Jedi Masters have conflicting opinions on. This is how I learned it.” Master Billaba moved then, reaching out to select two near identical decorative rocks from around the nearby flowerbed, placing them in front of them both. “Which rock is the more valuable one?”

 “I don’t know.” Ezra replied honestly.

 “What if I told you that one of these rocks was a gift from a powerful king thanking the Jedi for saving his planet, and one was simply part of a batch the landscapers bought?” Billaba asked.

 “That… sounds like one of those trick questions. I get the feeling I’m supposed to say the king rock is, but I’m probably wrong.” Ezra answered, and for the first time got a change in expression, a small smile.

 “Not entirely, you’re supposed to think about why the story behind the rocks would make one appear more valuable than the other, even though with no backstory they are to all appearances ordinary pebbles. It is in the nature of sentients to assign value arbitrarily to things, on one planet humans born with green eyes are rare and seen as blessed, unusually wise and destined for greatness because their rarity is valuable. On another planet humans born with green eyes are just as rare, and seen as cursed and inherently lesser than others because why would a generous deity not give as many as possible the advantageous eye colors? And science says that green eyes are simply a gene expression, with no good or ill associated with them. The Jedi believe that the attachment of value to an eyecolor is inherently wrong and people born with green eyes are equal in the Force to those born with any other eye color, or those with no eyes, or many.” Billaba explained patiently, and Ezra hardly dared to breathe. It was the longest someone had talked to him without asking a question about who or what he was since he arrived.

 After a long pause though, he realized he should probably say something. “That… makes a great deal of sense.”

 “It does. However, like most things it gets complicated quickly.” She reached out to pick up both rocks, holding them out to him. Ezra warily reached out to take them.

 “Now, what if you were told that one of these rocks should be destroyed and one preserved. Which would you chose?”

 “I don’t know,” Ezra bit his lip, looking at them both. “I mean, if one really was a gift from a king then maybe it should be saved, but that’s kind of not fair to the other rock because it’s not its fault it wasn’t special. They should be equal, but…”

 “And if the king’s rock wasn’t chosen, since others do assign value to it then it’s possible they could become angry at you for choosing wrongly. Or they could become angry that you saved the valuable rock and feel that the less valuable rock deserved to be saved. There are those who would even say in fairness that both rocks should be destroyed, in order to show fairness.” Master Billaba shook her head slightly at that. “That last belief you will encounter even among Jedi, I have always felt it a sign of immaturity that they are so attached to the idea of not showing any attachment that they end up inviting more destruction than is unavoidable, but many would loudly disagree.”

 “I’d save them both, if I could.” Ezra said softly, and then nearly jumped at the hand on his shoulder, a light touch that still carried a feeling of reassurance.

 “I have always felt that is a noble goal, as long as it’s tempered by the understanding that you are only one person and you must make peace with the fact that destruction will happen even if you make no mistakes.” Master Billaba said, and Ezra brightened a little at the praise, faint as it was.

 “Why are you telling me all this?” It was maybe a risky question, but so far Master Billaba seemed… reasonable at least.

 “Because I believe you, Ezra Bridger. There are many who doubt you. There are those who believe you are an agent of evil, there are those who believe you a fool who encountered a powerful artifact and was fed false visions, and there are those who believe you are attempting to deceive us for whatever reason, but I believe you are a young man who came unstuck in time. Which means there are three paths before you.” Billaba held up a hand, raising one finger. “The first is that you attempt to get back to your proper time and place, if something was indeed capable of sending you here, then it follows that there would be some way of returning you.” A second finger was raised. “The next is that you leave this place and attempt to live whatever life and what happens, happens. I do not think you will wish to take this path, but it is an option.” She raised a final finger. “The third is that you stay and attempt to change the future for what may be the better. And I wonder if you’ve truly thought that through.”

 “I…” Ezra started, and then stopped. He was silent for several long moments. “If that happens, I lose everyone, don’t I? Even if I see them again they won’t be the same people I left, they won’t know me. Sabine… Sabine would be an infant right now if she’s even been born, Hera’s not much older than her. It couldn’t ever be the same.” He’d encountered Ahsoka and Rex, but he had been so overwhelmed it hadn’t clicked with him what it truly meant. “My parents are alive right now, and I can’t ever see them.”

 The look Master Billaba turned on him was full of quiet sympathy. “And there is why so many are quick to reject the very concept of attachments as wrong. We are all fallible, and when choices bring pain then it’s hard to untangle what you truly believe is the best path and which path is simply the least painful one. There are no easy answers, and sometimes there’s not even a right answer, but you can’t avoid the question.”

 Ezra was quiet, staring down at the rocks he was still holding. He was squeezing them tight enough that his knuckles had turned white and he hadn’t even noticed.

  “You don’t have to decide now, but whatever path you chose to walk, there are those here who will assist you however we can.” Billaba spoke quietly, and then stood. Ezra made no move to follow her as she left him alone with his thoughts. 

[patatinolovenotes]

love notes #Part2

1/2/2017  

Y: Btw did you accidentally said I love you but then realized it when you were hanging up and start mumbling 😂😂😂 or is just “I’ll call you later” with bad reception that’s all 😂😂

P: I said that

P: But in English is shit

P:I prefer it in Italian or Chinese

Y: Hahaha you were cute I was laughing

P: Stellina Mia sleep tight

1/6/17

P: Buona notte stellina

P: Ti bacio sempre P:I’ll fall asleep with your song patata Mia.. It’s now -9 left before my departure. I feel I could fly there with my own wings. Night out was cool but way too cold and now I would need you to transform myself into  chimney. I miss you on my skin❤ bacio 

1/8/17

P: You can’t imagine how much I wish you were here now..I can’t live those next days that are still dividing us. I would give everything to see you sleeping and sneak under the blanket with you, slowly waking you up whispering and kiss you gently, kiss your wet lips and eat pussy. It’s crazy how much the evening make me homesick of you. Amore mio.

1/9/17

P: I’m safe and sound home in my bed! It’s better to sleep in a bed where I know we slept together before; it’s anyway a step closer to you. Notte baby❤🐽

1/12/17

Y‬: Amore I had such a lovely date with Jennifer, we talked so much and it’s great that she is the only few friends that we really grow alike,  in terms of mentality about life. And it made me really happy 😚 we talked about life and love and it’s just great! Made me love life a bit more today

1/13/17

PBuona notte amore🐽🐽🥔 your voice would take me anywhere! I wish I was already there being in the night with you. Ti bacio🐒❤

1/15/17

P: Ti voglio baby

Sleep tight🐽🐽🐽🐽

1/16/17

P: ✈️✈️✈️✈️🛫 its official Today🤘🏽🐣

1/25/17,

P: I’m boarding actually already, I send you all my love lady. You are in my thoughts and heart. Text from plane or later🐒🍆❤👅stay safe on the bus.

Y:  Safe flight amore text me later x And glad you are picking up the good habit of getting things done earlier As in boarding and arriving to the airport early 😝 Loads of kisses x See you super duper soon

P: I love your nose Y, eye and sweet voice. I love the way you walk and the perfect decency of your gentle movements. I love everything you do to make me happy and what you say but what I love the most is your spirit, your transcendent, fiery thoughts, your ardent will, your high calling. I believe my soul is naturally attracted to your spirit. To define my love would be limiting it, so I won’t try. For what it’s worth I want to thanks you once again for the amazing time you gifted me in T. I had delicious food, happy company, wonderful sex, everything desirable by any being. I wish all the best to you my love, to the one who never fails to see the brightside in everything, to the one that make my time worth leaving. I’m so grateful to have you in my life and the joy you bring to mine every time we are together. I love everything about you so much, patata mia! Have a beautiful, wonderful week before leaving to your next exciting chapter. I hope you’ll meet kind people who have different, interesting points of view about life. Finally you are free, without regrets, holding dreams high, because you are able of achieving anything you want. Remember to be whoever you want to be anytime. There is no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you’ll always make the best of it. I hope we will see together more things that startle us. I hope you felt, like me,  emotions you never felt before. I hope you’ll always live a life you are proud of, and if you’ll ever be not I’m sure you’ll have the courage to start all over agin. Ill be always here to help and support, if you wish. We’ll have the rest of our precious time alive to ketch-up. Never forget me, never grow up for me, ok? I miss you dearly already. I’ll see you soon on our new adventure. With all my heart, your biggest admirer, me P. Ti bacio amore. Wo oi ni. P: Yes I had some time to write… read it later with calm before sleep. Enjoy second dinner patata Y: My love, coming back to this empty room with no clothes left on the floor is a bit sad and empty. I am now lying in the bed and wearing your tshirt. They both still have small smells of sweat and sex that makes me feel as if you are still here. Oh geez, the first night in this bed without is going to be tough, my eyes are bursting into tears once more, and I am sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable when I cried a tiny bit. You made me so happy and emotional in a good way, and I honestly forgot what sadness is until realizing you will be gone. I’m so grateful to have you in my life, and yes I feel something different when I’m with you. Time freezes and my eyes are only on you. I can’t wait to see you soon. I truly wish we will be back again real soon. All the moments wth you feel like a dream. A magical dream. You are beautiful with your soul and kind heart. Have the best time of your life in the new uni I can’t wait to visit you again in ___! And can’t wait until the next time we hold each other tight again, with unlimited dreams we could talk about. Puppies, travel, life and all the knowledgeable things you have taught me. I’m also your admirer. You are the model of having a life that’s free, kind and smart. And I wish to become more like you and also have a bit of more brain like you when doing things. I want to learn more from you and see the worlds through your heart and lens. Until soon we meet again, amore mio.

1/26/17

P: My package is not as fancy and original as yours, very practical and just a little thing to spoilt the princess 🐽 for new adventure Anyway I need to have a date in mind of a plane for when I’ll see you again otherwise I don’t feel comfortable ahah🐒 I hope at least I’m gonna pass out as soon as I’m N tonight

Y: 😳 baby you always spoil me, and I love practical stuff!! I can’t wait And yes, I’m already wondering on the dates to see you soon again.

1/28/17

P: Buona notte patata mia❤🐽 I’ll let you know how it goes for __ I planned the joke perfectly with ___ and yeah maybe I’ll have the candy, depends on how the evening goes..🤙 sleep tight lady, ti bacio tanto🐒 Y: Ciao baby good morning from the other side of the world. I hope you guys have a wonderful night. Ti voglio 👅❤

1/30/17 

P: Buona notte pata mia❤ I still have a lot to do tomorrow morning but should be fine. I hope you’ll sleep tight and nothing bad of any sort will disturb little endemic koala from Taipei 🐨! Wish those 44 days could fly away

1/30/17

P: Amore mio you literally made my day with “ready for pompino since 1998” you are super super cute in that picture ahahah little patatina🐽🐽 but who cares baby don’t worry just put them without the box, just the blaster in the shipped suitcase!

1/30/17 

P: I miss you soo sooo much right now when the day finishes I won’t just to be with you🐨 I have finished dinner with a huge carbonara pasta and all work now so I’ll just chill tonight and have some food coma in bed now

I wish you the very best luck for your visit and don’t be scared baby, it’s all good, don’t be shy and explain everything to the gyno 🐒 Ti penso tanto stellina, always in my mind🐽🐽👅

1/31/17

P: Amore I hate to hear your voice.. it feels like you are here wispering in my ears but I can’t touch you and kiss you Y: 😞 I know I know dreaming about you since forever especially today P: My little sweetheart is sick and I just wanna go and buy breakfast with croissant and fresh orange juice and some easy light lunch P: I would be your personal diet guy to recover better amore Y: Buy “breakfast” 🐶? Or buy breakfast 🍳?

2/2/17 

P: I’m fresh like a flower but tired like a sloth🐒 I think of you all the time dear dumpling because you’re so special to my heart. Tomorrow is your last day and I m sure you packed every little thing super ready to beat the custom with some illegal medicine blasters! Ahaha And yes I finally managed to watch black sails and jeeez the episode stars with the huge battle they prepared for three season .. it’s crazy! I wish you a amazing final brunch and I suggest you to eat like a pig before leaving🐽is your mum ready to see you leaving again?

P: Sleep tight, I miss you so much patata mia. Ti bacio👅🐒

Y: Good morning my sunshine, i woke up super early this morning because I was SO hungry … just like the time I took a nap at yours and woke up from it because I was hungry… 😵 Y: Baby I wanted to tell you on the phone how I realized I am spoiled by you, having you to spare me the time and energy to care for me. Sometimes I’m not good with words, and it truly takes time for me to figure out what I really feel in order to convey my true self. I hope you don’t mind I type it instead of saying it.. anyhow, I thank the universe for bringing you into my life. The thoughts of you as an individual in my life, I feel wonderful and happy for each day ahead. Simply your existence brings happiness to me. Of course there bring some worries that I never had for anyone so strong beside my family. Because I want the people I care to be happy and harmless but any obstacles they encounter. The ideas of even someone hurting you, your dream, reality or yourself, sadness me.

2/4/17 

Y:Can’t wait for a proper skype sesh soon. Ti voglio ❤ P: Amore you melt me with that… I’m so happy thanks to your beauty, kindness and high thoughts

2/5/17

P: You are for me a source of inspiration, happiness. When I’m with you my life it’s simply better, much more intense and truly aspiring at something more, different. I believe the feelings we share now are a precious gift, a rare opportunity. As you mention, you conquered a bit of my heart as well therefore I’ll be always hoping the best for you, as much as for a sister but  even more avidly since you are lover I can perceive in your fiery and strength in the jottings of your diary. Keep always those writings because one day they might be very valuable for you, like a personal Sputnik romance self edited . I wish I was there that cold and detached night . I wish I was there now, in your bed hugging you before the big day I’m sure you have such an exciting time of your life just ahead . I’ll be there for you if you wish holding you tight because life through your love feels just 10 times better Good luck my love for such a turning point in your life which anyway doesn’t change your dreams and who you are. Have a good one and text me when you can.❤🐽🐽🐽🐒 Ti voglio stellina mia. Un bacio🥔👅 Stay strong

2/12/17 

P: Sometimes life gives you those unpredictable events which make every day worth living, hoping, waiting. You are a beautiful gift. You are always in my thoughts and  I just can’t get my mind off. Hope you’re sleeping well cause today it’s the big day, right? No worries at all amore mio you’ll do more than fine there. People will appreciate my little patata!! Buona notte tesoro❤🐽🐽🐽

Y: Ciao patata, stellino mio ❤ I’m at the office now, apparently we got amazing breakfast served here, like proper human food, so I guess I can wake up later and have good food

2/13/17 

Y: Good night my love, i wish for more happiness, love, and sex to come. And may all the misunderstanding, miscommunication, and small arguments to not become burden between us. No walls may become our barriers. Wishing only those three elements of life that I praise the most could surround us to be happier than we could have ever imagine. I do not wish for you to get hurt, and want everything to be perfect. May young love be imprinted in our hearts. Buona notte, my stellino.💫🌈🦄💓💜💙🙈

P: Amore you are always able to warm up my heart writing such beautiful thoughts. I’m thrilled about us, and what’s coming for us. I want to keep living through this love. To the best my love, for us. Sleep tight patata mia. 🐽🐽❤🐒rock tomorrow 🐨

2/14/17 

P: Tonight you gave me some lessons about love. I wish I could feel for my entire life inspired by a dream of love such as the one you are making me feel tonight. The love I feel for you it’s the same every day, since a while. I cant stop watching the video and think how beautiful you are. How you make me happy with your unpredictable beauty. Don’t stop. You are my happiness everyday and I really cant wait to fagocitate you in Instambul. I have no more words to explain how enjoyable you, my love, make my life every single day . You are special and you make me feel special. I hope you feel beloved as much as I feel lucky those days. You have conquered my heart. I’ll always keep this video very tight for any moment of difficulties this would be the source of my strength, the source to find energy to any problem, because if you love and you’re loved… the world out there can never be bad nor scary. Lots of kisses to my princess which I cant wait to fuck like a…and I let you finish our saying.

Good night patata, always yours, P.

ps: happy san valentines

P: I just watched the video again amore..❤ I’ll try my best to protect our fresh dream of love in ecstasy for us. 🐽🐽🐽buona notte stellina . Ti bacio

2/15/17 

P: I miss you every moment. My mind, soul and mouth is full of you. I would always recall you in any situation dreaming you were there with me. What I feel for you it’s something I’m very proud of. I want to have sex with you so badly, and touch your hairs again.

Wish tonight we were together her in N red light room or anywhere else but together . Sweet dreams my love. Good luck with presentation tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll rock ..smoothly hitting first week target. Ti penso

2/17/17 

P: There are some people in this world who you can just miss, miss and miss no matter what. I can’t get enough of you. Buona notte golden mouth 👄. Tomorrow I walk up kind of early and leave to fine some powder

2/18/17

Y: Amore I was just looking through some old photos, and nostalgic feels came upon. I really miss the chillax life, meeting different people from everywhere, go to techno clubs, seeing dirty graffitis, people drinking and having appetizers or tapas, doing drugs, or smoke up.

That feeling, so strong!!!🦄💓🌈

I don’t think I can live like this for long. Being in a desert and malls and commercial clubs 🐷🦅👉🏽😵

P: No worries amore, it’s just a transitional period that will open you many locked doors, you are always welcome in my place wherever I’ll be: food, weed, and a bed.. if you wish sex as well are provided. I can’t offer more now, but you’ll always be welcome

I can understand your feeling and I wish you can achieve to do what makes you feel the best, I’ll help if I can

I miss you sooo much chica mia❤

P: Come and eat tapas with me, sex, reading, working, nature, travelling and everything all over again in the order you prefer

Live life with me

Y: How it would be my dream

I feel like I can have so many personalities and lifestyles, but it always comedown to being just a kinda hipster wannabe girl, living in downtown manhattan, Berlin, east London, or the sunshine barca 😂 And being in D makes me really missing the life of having choices of living some days as a professional, somedays as an arty girl and some days as a druggie. Growing up sucks 🙈😵

2/20/17

P:I wish you dream about one of our adventures because I really hope that will happen to me. I miss my patata every day, any time. Goodnight my love, be strong tomorrow at work❤🐒🐽

Y: Amore I’m going to bed now. I’m grateful again for having you in my life. You sparkle the dullness of my life. Making everything shine with glitter. And I’m the unicorn that loves  strawberry ice cream. I’m so lucky to have you ❤🌈  I give you all my kisses and hugs and love 💓

🍓

2/21/17 

Y: Ahh baby every time when I think of you I get all excited heart bumping and all…. but also your existence in my mind soothe my soul… Amazing Buona notte my patata

2/22/17 

Y: Amor mio, amor mio I miss  every little thing about you on, inside me

P: Thank a lot for being that strong to keep this relationship so tight I couldn’t make it without you supporting me I misss you deep inside me. Buona notte, ti bacio

2/25/17

P: Patata I could spend my life in this sweet surrender with you. And just stay here lost in this moment forever. Truly missing you here in the alps, I hope the the desert is your dear friend darling.  I dream about our meeting in Istanbul, as always will feel unreal, too paradisiac to be real I wanna see you soon amore mio, ti bacio cucciola mia.🐽❤🐒

2/26/17

Y: My love, I would say that you wouldn’t understand how sad I am to be away from you and how my heart always aches when i remember you are not physically here with me. But I somehow still thinks you do understand how that feels and maybe feel something similar as I do. I often think and back and forth about us and what a magical being you are. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve you. You are so beautiful inside, out. And I have never feel more comfortable to say it out loud how amazing about a guy before, and with you I don’t even hold myself back a second to stop and praise your beauty. Do you remember that dreamy feeling we had when we were in T? Sometimes I even think everything is a dream, that if one day I woke up everything never existed, and the thought of it breaks my heart… I just want to tell you how grateful I am to have you. And wish a bright future for us, individually and a pair as partners in crime .. 🦄😈❤ Have an amazing night! Un bacione, cucciolo mio ❤

P: Amore mio, I can’t live without you.. because love is your religion and your practice kindness. I couldn’t ask for a better attitude towards life. I feel so special next to you and I hope you I make you feel special in the same lovely way. I can’t ask for better and you made one of the most crazy moment of my life .. one of the best. I always think our fairytale can’t be completely true, that’s why a Mis believer like men need Istambul to touch your reality. You’ll always have in me a brother, a friend, a lover a huge admirer for the beauty you express with your existence. Do not ever stop your self in telling me something, good or bad, whatever I want us to be fully transparent . I miss you deeply.. We are drinking now and actually in the end we moved everything to geneve, I’ll let you know how stuff goes here. Hope you’re having sweet dreams about puppies licking your face while I give you an amazing pussy pompino, let’s keep our dream in paradise. Un bacio patatozzz mia❤🐽🐒

2/27/17

Y: Have a lovely dream, un bacione to 17days left x

P: Is it more fair to love carnally and get separate at some point or to love someone’s soul and cherish time forever after?The answer fluctuates in the dust of the desert.. but I believe with you somehow the two elements glued up together giving me a sweet aftertaste of chaotic love every moment. Good night patatoz🐽❤🐒 un bacio

Y: Your words swept my feet this morning. I read it while half asleep and closed my eyes to imagine yours and ours existence all together. It’s beautiful. I wish you have a beautiful day to start this week 🍑🍓 love you dearly

2/28/17

P: Amore mio, I must say I usually don’t like science fiction movies but this one has a great story and I loved it. Apparently every single thing you touch, see, smell its gold to my eyes and trough your being I fell in love with everything❤🐒 don’t stop me loving life that much. Un bacio patata, have a great morning🐽🐽

3/2/17

Y: I miss you dearly🌸 thank you for being such a wonderful being in my life. Your wisdom of life always draws my whole attention, and I think about you always and every second. This feeling is amazing. Un bacione, my soccer ⚽️boy.

P: Buona notte amore mio. You are my source of energy and happiness every day. Let’s nurture our souls with this amazing bubble of love we managed to create. I love that feeling as well. I hope your dreaming of corto and bocca d'orata and wish a wonderful day tomorrow for my miracle worker Y❤🐽🐒

3/3/17

P: You didn’t ruin my mood at all, I need to understand that sometimes I can’t make you happy just because of the distance and it’s no Ines fault. Sorry if I wanted to push your mood, sadness sometimes is a noble sentiment. My fault last night in pushing you

3/4/17

P: I want to see you very soon my patata 🐒❤

I hope to find of you later in my dream during this night of sleep

Ti bacio🐽🐽

3/5/17

Y: Dear my love, every time when we talk I feel like I’m more attracted to you then before. You always seem to amaze. How extraordinary is this! Thank you for always teaching me how to dream, you are so beautiful like this. Maybe one day soon enough we would be physically close enough. And I can’t wait for that day to come。Coming home after a long day, seeing each other. We can cook dinner or sometimes we can be lazy and order food. Watch a movie or read a book whilst having some tea. Snuggle and sex and then snuggle again before bed. Waking up next to each other and kissing one another till one of us wakes up. Good night my love, I wish tonight I can have a dream like we wished. Un bacione my masterpiece of life

P: I want to explore your soul just as much I wanna discover the beauty of the world out there. Why not exploring both at the same time and together? Pushing our limits, helping each other to reach the edge, dreaming, living fast and taking care of the other with that amount of fresh sweetness? I hope we can leave this dream forever . I miss you from the bottom of my heart to the very top of my skin. You are the soul I’ve been waiting quite long for. Un bacio patata mia❤🐽  I wish you an amazing start of the week,.. can’t wait.. to see ya in the baccckkakkaakkalava country🐒

3/7/17

P: My love, my pussy patata I hope you’re sleeping like an angel and dreaming strawberry 🍓 ’s field. I send you all my love🐽🐽🐽yours dumb, broke young P. Miss you deeply

Y: Ok good night amore ❤ now I’m the one whose excited!! Can’t believe klock is coming, I really wish I can find some one to go with me then. If not…. I’ll wear my cap and go there myself 🙈

But anyways, amore can’t wait to see you next week! Super soon, for me this week is almost the end. And I’m sure next week it will be fast too. Buona notte amore mio, I give you the best of luck for midterm tomorrow. Kisses from boca dorata 👄🌙

3/8/17

P: Baby go even alone but I’m sure you’ll manage to find some nice people to go with.. and even if, the atmosphere it’s going to be cool anyway, ergo worth going.

My potato with the cap can conquer the entire world I’m confident ❤🐽 buona notte amore mio, I can’t believe, I can’t even imagine touching you🐒

3/9/17

P: Amore mio I’m in bed and I miss you dearly. Living with you in Taipei was simply amazing and I miss it right now; the smell of the bodies, the sweet crunchy strawberry 🍓 and you sweetest thing🐒❤ buona notte bocca d'orata

Y: Ciao amore mio ❤ good morning! I miss you too, I can’t wait to see you in 7 days, where all of our senses can rejuvenate to our love once again. Un bacione my dearest. And have a wonderful wonderful day!

3/10/17

Y: Dear my love, I never thought that i would fall into tears for missing someone so much.  I realized that sometimes people do love too much, more than they could handle. But it’s this bittersweetness that made me realize how strong you are and how much I want to be better for you and with you. I never liked to face crisis or difficult timings with others, because I feel like it’s the most fragile phase that I would ever reveal to people about myself. So I would rather go into my little world and deal things in my own way, that is for example today I spent the whole day looking for alternative ways for us to see each other, just to make myself feel better. And it’s stupid, because it’s selfish of me to think that I’m the only one who is upset, because I’m sure you are too. But anyhow, I just wanted to tell you, thank you for being so strong, for me, you are perfect. There’s nothing I want to change about you. Sometimes I feel like we live in a parallel world of murakamis creation. when we are together, i don’t notice anything around us. It’s a whole new world dimension. And when we are apart, it feels that our souls are so close yet so far. For me, this love is so strong that I have never felt this way before, and it truly frightens me from time to time. But then again, thank you for everything and for being a part of my life and a part of me..❤

P: Trust me amore, that I would like to cry my sadness out as well for not being next to you. It’s just another way of reacting to the same feeling.. I don’t cry.. but I share the same pain, the same fear of loosing you because of distance. I’m terrified at the thought of loosing you and being in this grey world without my one and only source of colour, energy, sunshine.

I’m not perfect and you’ll discover that very soon but I hope you’ll accept the full package together with my disadvantages as well. I’ll try my best to be always perfect for you and at your eyes..! You are for me a dream. Remember always you are an independent strong woman and I’m so proud of being in your life. Sorry for my poor wording but I just woke up

P: Just remember that I’m always here for you… I would do anything for you

3/12/17

Y: Good night my love, hope I dream about you tonight going to galleries with me again.

P: Dear patata, I love the way you elaborate your thoughts on the things you’ve seen during day. Today was an art scene.. but always your analysis are enlightening and somehow deep but fresh. I don’t know if it’s my love for you that makes you so shiny informer of my eyes or you’re just such a precious being. Don’t question your self too much on what you’re going to be in 5 years because everyday something crazy like having sex with a pot head in N.. and you find you’re self with him in taipei a month after.. ! Keep dreaming because the best things happen while you are programming, in between bites of time.

This said, I probably can’t even understand how strong you must be in this first period of assessment in a new environment, without the freedom you were used to. Remember always I’m here, as a tool, as a friend, as a lover as a sex toy.. simply at your disposal for our mutual happiness. I send you my love and wish you a good beginning of the week before finally cuddle you in my arms❤🐽! Un bacio patata🐒

3/14/17

 Y: Good night patata Un bacione for my perfect lover and Sputnik And also, thank you for always being so intelligent, intellectually and emotionally. Whether it is me nagging about my life in D or frustration toward things,  you are always the most patient, patata. And your calmness brings me back to reality with a greater insight on life, that is to live in the moment. I’m grateful of you and I’m grateful of wherever I am now. Your existence often reminds me of that and thank you. Focus tomorrow and I give you all my love, luck and kisses 🌸

P: Amore mio, I just checked the flights for Iceland and the best is to go through London they have nine flights a dayiceland For Iceland * You make me feel like a king amore mio and I don’t know if why the gods gifted me with you  I’ll wake up early early tomorrow to be fresh and revise before exams Thank you for sharing all this love with me❤🐒 I’ll be always here for you Good night my pata I’ll be fhw happiest kid on earthrhursdaay night 🐣👌🏿

3/16/17

P: Baby sleep well tonight because tomorrow we are going to sleep even better. I loved you with glasses, list like me the grandpa. I’m sure both our trips will just go smooth. I’ll see you in Istambul amore. All my love patata ❤

3/19/17

P: Sleeping in this bed alone.. after those two nights.. is incredibly lonely. Hope your travel back is not to bad amore mio. You are so strong and Hopefully you’ll get some kind of rest on the plane. Text me when you land my love. Thanks for the amazing time in Istanbul ❤🐒

  Y: Ciao my love. I just landed, the whole journey was fine after all, although in the Middle I thought I was going to die… again…. the turbulence was so strong especially in a small flight … I hope you had a fun night with zey and aykan. And hope you did sleep well tonight, although I might be lonely, I hope you managed. Especially without me being there to bother you. I slept the whole way through but still tired… hoping to get some sleep on the taxi. I miss you already, as usual, this weekend seems like a dream once again. A beautiful one, thank you 🌙❤️🌸

P: I had an awful nightmare and just woke up all of a sudden. For sure because you are not here

3/22/17

P: amore mio I don’t know what’s wrong but I can’t download your audio properly. I miss you every second of the day and you’re always in my thoughts

https://youtu.be/vIYRbbHMesg

For you patata

Goodnight stellina ti bacio tanto

Y: Ciao amore I woke up listening to the song and then fell asleep again But then I started listen to john legend song from Lala land I hope you had a good night sleep I give you all my kisses Missing you dearly once again

3/26/17

P:I wish you a smooth day at the office today, you really deserve some appreciation, so please, if they don’t give you enough satisfaction just feel just because I could really see how much effort you dedicated to your job this weekend. Anyhow, beside this remark I truly miss you deeply and I have no more words in my repertory to express gratitude to the fate gifting me with such a rare bird. Patata mia you are a mirage, a miracle to my eyes. Please don’t stop❤🐒🐽 wish you were here now in this blue bed with me snuggling because it’s only trough you that I feel alive. Ti bacio sempre.

Y: Grazie amore you are the best. Being a mirage might disappear, I don’t wanna disappear with you, my rare bird. Have a nice day my love! Text me when u wake up

3/28/17

P: Amore mio I see you everywhere during my day, anything would evoke your figure or recall your name. That’s maybe one of the faces of my love for you. I dream of you. Good night my love. Always yours❤🐒

Y: Ciao amore mio 😂  ❤❤❤

3/29/17

P: Amore mio I would love to start waking up next to each other very soon. How amazing would it be if we’d work in the same

Place for a couple or more  of years and after not to trough away our best years we go for a long road trip till we run out of budget..right now I would love this scenario. Hunting life with you. Enjoy your yoga session patata mia❤🐒

3/31/17

P: Im thrilled thinking about us, always. I think a lot about you, actually most of the time. Everything evokes something about you, your always around me and this is one of the sweetest tastes of love. I want not only to see you everywhere but I hope one day I’ll touch you, sniff you everywhere anytime I wish. Tomorrow it’s gonna be fine patata, do not be to frightened. I wish I could be there making you a bit stronger. I miss you dearly. Let’s discover new parts of our selfs together, never growing apart, shaping the future together. Gods night my pussy patata🐽❤🐒ti bacio

4/2/17

P: Good night my love, all the words I’ve written are still all true and I wish all my following days to be so full of love. ❤🐽🐒

Ti bacio

4/4/17

P:Tesoro, i really want to be there and pamper you under the sheets. I know you’re strong enough to solve al the difficulties you’re now finding on the way. Rise and shine patata mia, because soon a new adventurous dream is coming to visit🐒🐽❤ti bacio

Y: You are the most wonderful being after two months of complaining you are still here. Not that same anymore… but you are still here ❤  I love you

P: I would have never believe to feel this love. I’m glad I’ve met you. Have a lovely sleep my patatoz ❤🐽

I love you too 🐒

4/5/17

Y: Good night amore, I love to feel the love of loving you everyday. Thank you for being here, being you, and being in love with me. Un bacione my love

4/6/17

P: Finding a path in this world with you at my side is something I really enjoy everyday, even with struggle this love is bringing so much positivity and happiness in my life. I am sure its because it’s strong, I like to think so. I love you amore, good night 🐒❤🐽

4/8/17

Y: Ciao baby, I hope dinner was ok and grandma was feeling great ! I’m about to go to sleep, walked SO much today! And tomorrow is the big day !! Finally feeling that I can feel relieved Y:  Baby I was also thinking how lucky I am to find you and to fall in love with you. How magical it is that it’s you. Good night my love un bacione ❤️

P: Going to grandma now I’ll text when home amore Amore mio im back home In my lovely room finally. I had a great great dinner and managed to kiss grandma after the surgery. She is fine and everything will be smooth shortly. I can’t stop of thinking about you in any action I pursue during my day, and our shared dreams is what makes me feel complete, full of life. Thanks for looking at the future with me, let’s keep this attitude patata. Anyway after a long period I think I found the book I would like is to read together: “The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys” written by Chris Fuhrman. I bought one copy today in Verona for my self. Let me know if you’d join me in this adventurous reading. Tomorrow morning I will get up early to help my dad at the apple farm.. he has, as usual, new variety of apple tree he wanna plant. Wish you were here.. hope one day we will make sex in my teenage bed. Ti bacio❤🐒🐽🐽🐽🐽 Ps: let me know all the procedure tomorrow amore, good luck, more than sure it’s gonna be alright

Y: Amore mio, thank you so much for thinking about me even whilst working. I’m stronger when my thoughts are thinking about you. We are both achieving where we want to go somehow even far a part, but I know soon one day, we will be right next to each other. Soon will only be 10 more days until I see you once more. ❤ Good night my love. I was also staring at your eyes today, and I want to tell you that you have amazing eyes I love you 🌸

4/9/17

P:Amore mio I hope my golden mouth is feeling wealth. I really need you with me. Don’t wanna my bocca d'orata do be anyhow hurt….. Everytime in T is the same story, I feel you are my only home and I hope to be yours as well, otherwise please feel welcome to enter the door. Ti bacio tanto amore, I wanna have your lips on mine now. Wish you a smooth working day with no struggle. ❤❤🐽🐽🐽🐽🐽🐒i love you

Y: Amore mio, good night I wish a lovely night with no nightmare. I want my soul to be guarding you, your dream, and your soul tonight. I love you from the moon and back ❤ un bacione

4/10/16

P:You remain my professor in matter of love as always patata mia. I wish I could dream of you every night to compensate what I miss during the day. I love you so much, possibly as I never did with anyone else before. Can’t believe our story is real if I try to put all the pieces together. Ti bacio bocca d'orata🐒❤🐽

4/11/17

P: Good night my love only few days separate us and hopefully I’ll manage to see you every month. I love you and can’t wait to see my patata❤🐽🐒 don’t wake up in the powder bocca d'orata. Ti bacio amore Kiss me always🐣 I like how you act everyday

4/12/17

P: Amore Juventus won 3-0! It is an amazing and historical night for a supporter. I hope my patata is sleeping like a baby, because I would love to be sneaking under the sheets with you now and hug you gently. Tomorrow, just like you I’m going to the dentist for a check up. Ti bacio tanto amore mio.❤🐽wait for me in D if you can..I’m coming.

4/13/17

Y: Baby Have fun tonight Bouncing to bed!! Un bacione. Text me as always later, my love ❤

P: Amore mio the film is amazing You must watch this he name of the movie is: in between Not amazing but quite nice Buona notte patata ❤ i love you deeply and those days back in the provincial attitude reminds me harshly how lucky am to have you along my path. I have still high fever of our love and couldn’t live without it every day. You give me the energy and the happiness I need. Start your day with a smile, and I’ll kiss you soon. Ti bacio tanto patata 🐽❤🐒

4/14/17

Y: i ruff you

P: Amore I love you riffing me Amore mio, I wonna hide with you away from everyone and everything forever. Let’s take a puppy with us and fly away from this social prison imposing us standards and requirements . I want to live my love for you without boundaries ! I wish you all the best love in your life. Whatever it will take to me, I’ll always think if you of something pure, lovely. Ti bacio stellina mia.❤🐒🐽🐽🐽🐽

4/16/17

Y: Baby anything related to you I would love it Text me when you are going to sleep as always And baby I can’t wait for you to take me and explore the wonderful town of where you grew up Un bacione I love you from S to T to D and back !❤

P: Amore you are the hardest worker I’ve ever seen. I’m sure your effort will be rewarded and if not, you just invent a very useful tool for your self, when working. I think you deserve some days off and I hope to be a good distraction next weekend, can’t wait to be back in the road somewhere with you, feeling home touching your hand. I love you, buona notte. ❤🐽🐒

Y: Patattaasorry babyi ruff you

4/17/17

P: Amore mio i ruff all of you from the lovely lips to shiny eyes and smooth skin. I miss all of you and I can’t understand why the only person I would spend happily my time with isn’t next to me. I love you and I send you a gentle kiss. I wanna wake up with you. Buona notte snore mio❤🐽🐒 Have a good one at work

4/18/17

P Amore❤🐽 few more steps and I’ll be there. Love is cruel making us living so far but my love for you is strong at least as the difficulties encountered . Sleep well and have adventurous dreams ! -2 amore 🐒ti bacio

4/19/17

P: Buona notte amore mio❤🐽I just wanna see you, can’t wait any longer . Thanks for saving the situation as always . I see you working hard and getting things settled always smoothly, I’m not humble in saying : you are an inspiration. Ti bacio🐒 Ps: I’m still patata number one ad honorem causa😜

4/24/17

P: ❤❤ patata hope you’re not too tired You are so strong and brave. I’m here in the room, smelling our sec our love, I’m a pussy and I want to cry because I miss you too much after only few hours. I thank you for the strong life you make me feel in my body. You make me see the light. Have a great day patata, work hard, I’ll be waiting for you

Y: Ciao patata, thank you for writing this. Did you miss writing me love notes everyday? I miss you so much, hope you are not having fun all by yourself. I am pretty sure I can leave early today

4/25/17

Y: Thank you once again for another amazing adventure P:I’ll text when I board, ho back to sleep my miracle worker🐽🐒🌹

P:You are my only adventure

Y: Baby I just uploaded my 1000th photo on Instagram!!

Y: Ciao patatatata

I miss you already

P: Amore mio, I miss you deeply and tonight sleeping here on the floor in the sleeping bag, thinking I was in bed with you only 24 h ago seems to be impossible! Jerome told me that I can be back on Saturday afternoon so I’m sure happy and I miss talking freely on skype🐽🐽I love you ❤ good night my patata . O and D will always remember as another amazing dream with you..actually lovely stay at the beach with you that day. Ti bacio

4/26/17

Y: Honey, good night. Don’t think too much. Trust me, things are never that bad. We will go through this together for the next couple of months. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason, we missed the opportunity to go to a good school because at that moment we believed in something else. I missed my chances of going to my dream job, but then I believe life experience brings much more. Perhaps you can take a deep breath just focus on your current difficulties, studies, and spending some time thinking about me…😜 but really think about what you want to do. Business? Sustainability industry?  Business is so broad too, some times you are interested in certain courses but in real life you wouldn’t want to do that for years, and vice versa, so unless you have hands on experience always leave your door open. Every kids with an ok or good family background can gain a master nowadays, it all comes down to what you can offer on the table. A degree proving you learnt some theoretical stuff doesn’t make you more appealing. Leverage your competitiveness from your background and professional experience that’s how so-so school graduates students thrive! You have a gift and strong interest try and find a way to leverage that, because passion is what’s lacking these days in our generation and recruiters can really feel the differences. Anyhow, let’s face this together, if corporate world is not what you seek for perhaps there’s no need to give yourself too much stress on getting into a good master straight away. We are also living in an exciting world, where smart people are building great startups!  I love you. Have a good night  ❤

4/27/17

P: Right now, in this cold night on a hard floor to sleep on, you made me feel home. Safe. Embraced by the love of an amazing girl that can  act simply good every day, to me and to all others around her. I love you. I know you have so much positive contribute to spend on this planet that everyone should thank the gods to people like you do be alive. I’m great to have you on my side and we will go trough everything facing together everyday sadness and joy. I can live with you the bitter taste of life with a smile on my face. This being said I think in your current company or wherever you’ll be in the future, the passion for life you have, as you wisely said, will take you trough meaningful experiences which will get where you wanted, or better were you belonged. I belong to you and I’ll never stop believing in my patata. Believing In us. Wake up and go around to shine, my love.

P: Thanks for the advices, I’ll think about my passion and clear up where to spend best my thrive. I want be there kissing your front head and spending time with you. Anyway As you said, I have a gift and it’s you…and your pussy❤🐽I wish you were here and can’t wait to have good Skype with you. Ti bacio amore mio.

4/28/17

P: Amore im at M’s having dinner and than I’ll sleep either here or.. yeah probably here hiding from the old lady. I’m not usually a person that worries a lot but I just want to be sure you’re safe so plz just pop me a message when you can to make sure patata is fine, don’t need to say nothing just let me know you’re safe later

4/30/17

P: Amore mio, having your attentions every day is a gift for me . I feel so special because of our love and I thank nature for bumping into you. I hope pussy patata is dreaming sweeet-wet dreams🙊 we wired M’s friend and she ate something here! I’ll wake up tomorrow and stay in working on accounting and finance! Kiss for my love and have a great start of the week❤🐒I love you

Y: Ciao pat pat Good morning. Thank you for all the kindness and giving me love. Good luck studying tomorrow. Kisses for you too my love ❤