#maybe im just garbage in recognizing people | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rush-the-stars · 1 year ago

Note

i very distantly remember you asking for Idiosyncratic Ship-names for Trigun (not in those words, but thats what TV Tropes calls them. the ships where theyre labeled after words, instead of blending their names together (which the name-blending kind of ship-names TV Tropes says is called Portmanteau Ship-names)). im PRETTY SURE that Ask came from you but i cant find the Ask anymore, but, again, im?? pretty sure???? it was you?

anyway, if i recall correctly, you wanted an idea for Meryl × Vash × Wolfwood ship-name (that was idiosyncratic; as opposed to the Mashwood ship-name that is Portmanteau), and ive been wrestling with sharing mine for a while bc its a ship-name ive been using for my un-posted OC × those three, but it can be repurposed for your needs too. i should add that, for poly ships, i personally like to incorporate the number of people involved in the name. but the number 3 (as opposed to the original: 4) works in the ship-name i have. you can also ditch the number, if you want, im not your boss. or you can ditch this whole ship-name if you dont like it

but for Meryl × Vash × Wolfwood (× my OC) ive been using (DE4LOWERED) D3FLOWERED, or i guess just DEFLOWERED if you prefer no numbers

i guess you could keep the original number if you wanted to use Reader inside it tho

but yeah. that Ask has been on my brain for months now, re-popping up as i go "nah" and re-popping up again until i decided i could at least share what ive been using in private. again, you certainly dont have to use it. im not even wholly sure it was you since i cant find the Ask (but tumblr's search feature has always been garbage so im unsurprised i cannot find it)

if you were curious about some of my other idiosyncratic ship names for Trigun (to use or not use, im good either way) (tho, please note i dont use numbers for two-person ship names. so taking a triad (with my OC) into a duo (no OC) will not have a number like the above example of a quartet to trio does. you can feel free to incorporate Reader or your own OC to give the ship its triad-poly status again, i dont mind. regardless, im babbling)

My OC × Vashwood : BULL3T BOUQUET, or BULLET BOUQUET

My OC × Knives × Wolfwood: RINGING B3LL-FLOWER, or RINGING BELL-FLOWER (it's a pun on the media property, Ringing Bell, most famous for its 1978 movie by the same name)

i have a ship-name for every combo, but the duo ones (of OC × Canon) i dont feel like sharing at this moment because half the ship *is* my OC lol but my plot-notes feature my OC having a rose motif very often (for reasons that have plot relevance about her interests, i swear lol), which i leaned into heavily for the idiosyncratic ship-names overall theme since Trigun has that whole Plant element and whatnot anyway lmao rip (subtly is dead) but i hope (ASSUMING I AM REMEMBERING ACCURATELY THAT IT WAS YOU WHO ASKED FOR THIS LOL) this satiated your months-ago craving for Trigun Idiosyncratic Ship-names?? yeah. ill go excuse my multi-shipper ass now, have a lovely day lmao rip

-- Demx's 💗 Anon, or Heartfelt Anon, from way back (you dont gotta reserve the emoji for me here; id be shocked if you did, i just wanted to confirm i was me this time before someone potentially recognized me.. again lol)

first i want to say i am sorry for getting back to this so late! i have been very busy recently!!

it absolutely was me who was looking for idiosyncratic ship names!! i was from the age of fandom (or maybe the particular fandom??) that had quite a lot of them! specifically young justice in the mid 2010s? we had spitfire, museum heist, chalant, i think red cat? we had a ton! and i feel like i saw it in other fandoms for a bit too but it slowly died off!

i just loved how clever they were! i think i also remember at one point people also were rather poetic about ot3 names? i think i remember someone who used to tag their rey, finn, and poe ot3 content with “ot3: mosaics are just broken pieces” and that stuck with me too.

but i LOVE that you’ve shared your own poly ship names with your OC and so generously offered them up for what we know as mashwood right now!! i love the inclusion of the number too!! i feel like back in the day, id tag it like this “ot3: d3flowered” WHICH IS FUN!

i tried thinking of one for them along the same lines of the “museum heist” ot3 which was robin x wally x artemis from young justice…..which if you shortened their names would get robwallart…which then became museum heist! because of the play on the words their name formed, which looked and sounded like “robbing wall art”

so i was kinda trying to play with mashwood like that because their names together currently invoke like….a forest? marshy forest? couldn’t figure out something i liked but i did like the forest imagery, since their planet no longer has them and in ways, they represent a beacon of hope for the planet.

d3flowered is lovely though!!

also obsessed with your oc and other ship names too….thats SO fun. ringing bell-flower is really evocative. i love the thought you’ve put into this.

makes me want to come up with ship names for my reader ocs and these characters…..i feel like with wolfwood i at least have this reoccurring “hellcat” reader….

i do have one more closely tied to nai too…i so badly want to find the time to finish that fic.

but anyways thank you so much for all of this 💗 anon!!! it’s given me much to think about and honestly is so creative and fun!

i hope you’re doing well!! again, sorry for the late response to this!!

#💗 anon #honestly should start doing emojis for folks if they want it #i am sorry i am just a busy little bee and i fall off the face of the earth for a couple weeks and then return so perhaps #IM not consistent enough for it LMAKFJSKA #but again thank you so much!! i love your insights 🥺💕💕💕💕#cielo chats!

3 notes · View notes

ilguna · 2 months ago

Note

Heyyy Quinn!! I finished reading Halcyon (both the original and the rewrite) including Anteric and lemme just say it’s so good, it never disappoints! However since I just finished Anteric it’s more fresh in my mind and I have a few comments to say 🤧

I love how although it’s an AU, the friendships formed between Gallows and the careers matched both Hunger Games world and Divergent, considering how she and Finnick were friends beforehand. Which is like really cool to me, because it reminds me of those late night thoughts wondering if you’ll meet people the same way in like an alternate timeline (which Anteric is, and I find that REALLY cool, like I already mentioned LOL)

ALSO, in the epilogue I felt SO bad for Reed cuz he sacrificed a lot to take care of the three of them, and Gallows treated him like that? I understand he’s prideful and the way he went about it was wrong, but also recognizing his sacrifices on top of them leaving is really saddening. It reminds me of like people who sacrifice their happiness for others only to be taken for granted which is like… wow. But also, Gallows earned her place in Dauntless and she needed out of Abnegation so I can’t fault her for that either, and I’m like you go girl! I support you wholeheartedly! It’s just unfortunate that life happened to happen like that, you know?

This is the only Divergent media I’ve ever consumed ever LOL but I took a test for which faction I’d be on and it said I would be in Amity… is that showing with these comments of mine? HAHAH

Anyways, I love love love your work Quinn!! Keep being awesome! I’m the one who said I was back to reread your works and Halcyon, and I may reread Meliorism next! 🙂‍↔️

Oh, and I’ve been wondering��how do you come up with the names for your fics (specifically the series—in Halcyon and Meliorism)? Are they like Latin for something?

hello!! sorry i waited a day or so to answer this, i wanted to have the time lol.

yes!! i did that on purpose. the friends/enemies were supposed to reflect in anteric, mostly because i like consistency, but your late night idea is actually pretty good!! i never thought of it that way.

and ugh, reed was really breaking my heart when i wrote his character :/ i know im in charge, but it's such a him thing to do. even in halcyon, he makes so many sacrifices (more in the rewrite!!) for the bigger picture. while he could've been selfish and transferred to another faction, he knew he couldn't do that in good conscious. his younger sisters needed him, so he had to stay. besides, what would his parents say or think about him leaving?

while gallows and alyssum could've been well taken care of, it would've split the family apart. and it definitely killed him inside to cut mox out like that, but he knew in order to keep his head down, it had to be done :( it just had more of an affect on gallows than he thought, which ended up with her resenting him for it. she felt like he couldn't swallow his pride to say goodbye to his brother and his sister. maybe he felt betrayed, but that's the risk of staying home, yknow?

lol divergent isn't that bad, but there are a lot of times in the books where its questionable. the movies are fucking garbage lol. and yes, the amity result seems very you with how you felt about the epilogue haha

oof, as for the names. im not gonna lie, i either use a generator (like fantasynamegenerator) or some names i have saved on pinterest. it's been soooo long since i named reed, mox, lacuna and alyssum, at LEAST eight years ago, possibly more. i can't remember why i chose their names. reed obviously goes with the district 4 theme, but mox/lacuna/alyssum are different.

i have made accidents in the past where i liked a name and then found out that the meaning isn't as nice lol (cough pleurisy's name in halcyon cough) which actually have resulted in me changing names.

and for meliorism?? it's the same thing.

i wish i did something even as remotely as cool as greek names like suzanne did (or something like that idk). the only REAL effort i have made at names was during one of the annie game rewrite, with sanguine, vanilee, bauhinia, etc.

i'm glad you enjoyed your re-read!! let me know if you have any meliorism thoughts!!

#ilguna #anon #ask #halcyon

0 notes

bl3dwh1te · 4 months ago

Text

i’m not trying to sound weird. i promise. i wonder if my life is worth living. i dont lack happiness or passion or love the way i used to. i’ve found really kind people, and lost really plagued ones. ive found a little club or whatever of something i really thoroughly enjoy. ive loved a lot of people. ive found a hope for my future, and made somewhat of a shitty plan for when high school ends. its really all great, and i love all of it. its just that in all of my happiness, this is not my life. i feel i dont deserve the things im given, but while i have them, i cant find a way to clean out or at least balance the bad. im so overwhelmed all the time. sometimes i just wish it would all go away. i get so wrecked preparing for things that are supposed to be fun. no matter how hard i try i cant just contently enjoy something. i have to have a reason to feel hurt about it and i hate that about myself. ive been having an issue again, that i had only told the true weight of to a horrible horrible person, because at the time, she understood. i want to tell the people i love, because they’ve always been my biggest comforts. i just cant get it out. ive sprinkled it in here and there, so i feel like it cant be taken seriously. maybe they just dont have any experience with it. or maybe its not a big deal? i dont know. the most recognized and sympathized with it ever had been was from someone who i learned never cared about me to the extent i did them, and carries a strong stench of delusion with them. they made me cry about the weight of it at the time. im so afraid i’ve tainted the light the people i love see me in. i dont know why i act the way i do, and i hate every minute of it. i hate my actions when im giving them forethought, i hate them when im carrying them out, and i hate them looking back on them. i feel like garbage. like im not working hard enough to change it. every time i do it comes with the same result. i dont want to sound a type of way, but i hate myself so fucking much, and i barely know who i am. i barely recognize myself in the mirror. i cannot shed the shit no matter what i try, and its dreadful. its tiring. im so fucking tired. im so tired of trying to change my way of speaking, my way of acting, the way i look, the way i feel, and think. im tired of trying to fix the hole ive dug myself in. im a shit student. im a shit friend. im a shit daughter. a shit grand daughter and sister. i just want to feel clean. i dont want to be stuck in this hole anymore. i’ve made my bed and now i have to lay in it, but i swear i dont know how i got here.

0 notes

wildicycomet · 11 months ago

Text

vent post

i wish i could vent to someone who was outside my immediate friends group who would like idk give me support and tell me i'm not crazy about certain stuff that happens in my life but also tell me to chill out if i'm overreacting

(yes i am aware the person im seeking is a therapist... and yet every therapist i've seen has just been kinda shit)

anyway recently someone hurt my feelings about something and it's been kind of nagging at the back of my mind for a while and has really soured my mood overall, and like. idk i just kinda feel like garbage over it because it's linked to like... my art. and i think this person doesnt realize they insulted my art because i dont think they recognize the medium as an art

and today someone else gave feedback on another piece of art that is making me just wonder if maybe i'm terrible at my craft (even though, logically, i know that both bits of feedback were, quite frankly, not accurate/fair? this is hard to vaguepost about sorry lmao)

anyway i have just kinda been feeling bad in general and this made me feel even worse.

also i wish i had a job. if i could have a job, that'd be great. i want money, but tbh, more than that, i kinda want to feel like i'm doing something that people appreciate, instead of doing art pieces that are, tbh, mostly ignored

#vent #vent post #idk man #idk #i wish i could be more specific right now #sometimes i think about making a new account that isn't connected to anyone in my friends group #but im so tired of social media anyway

0 notes

thereanimatedrogue · 2 years ago

Text

slight diary entry thing:

i'm a very seasoned gm. i recognize this. i have years of experience gming at least two campaigns that have spanned years, both running 30ish sessions a pop as well as a few sporadically running dnd games that involved a lot more heavy planning. despite ~6+ years of experience until very recently i felt like a garbage gm bc I didn't like to run campaigns in the way I was taught to by online dnd communities and irls: heavy exploration, riddles, big open sandbox worlds, 1 or 2 big fights per session. a lot of it bored me. im not into big world building and mechanics. i don't like reading rulebooks and planning dungeons/huge cities. and bc i didn't enjoy those things, when I ran sessions they were very obviously lacking.

my most recent campaign was a success. my players still talk to me about their characters/plot points, ask me when my next campaign is, what I'm planning and if they can join. and my campaign was none of the things young dm me would have felt it needed to be. it was very small world. I knew the jist of how it would end from the beginning. the mechanics straight up were forgotten half the time, I only actually remembered to lvl up my players twice. there were no dungeon crawls, fights maybe happened once every 4 sessions. and none of them minded.

in a dnd game years ago I had a player say out loud mid combat in a disappointed tone: "oh I see. this isn't a fight the dm wants us to win." the shame from that statement made me want to shrivel up and die. never run a campaign again. it was true- I didn't want that fight to be one the players won for both story and character reasons. but that wasn't the kind of game they were interested in playing, where mechanics and exploration were lost for the sake of character development and story arcs. and that was a failure on my part. I didn't read my audience correctly, they were playing dnd for a fundamentally different reason than I was. I never should have dmed for them bc I couldn't give them the experience they wanted. it was unfair of me to try and force my preferred style of gameplay onto them .

(the player I intended to have a story moment (a separate one than the one who called me out) never got it btw, bc I had to stop the fight then. I don't know if they cared, but I was excited to explore that character's psychology, morality. I was excited to give their character a moment to shine. they never got that and probably never will bc I don't intend to dm for that group again. the majority of those players didn't care about the things I cared about in ttrpgs. none of them asked to continue the campaign during the hiatus.)

it wasn't until years later that I found an audience of players that actually wanted the kind of game I was interested in playing: one intensely centered on their PCs, where broad character arcs mattered and heavy roleplay was the focus. ones that would trust that I wasn't just forcing them into a room for 5 hrs to just ramble half baked shitty stories at them. less of a board game, more of an interactive communal story. when I didn't let their characters do things that didn't mean I was trying to railroad them into a boring masturbatory dm fantasy, they trusted that there were reasons for my actions that were not purely selfish. maybe was trying to set up a moment for a different character. maybe I was trying to get their pc in a spot where their morals were challenged. they trusted that their momentary lack of autonomy would pay off on a much bigger scale. every time we would get back from a break, these players were asked me to schedule the next session. they cared.

ig the lesson I learned is that i don't need to dm for people who don't like to play the game the way I like to. I don't need to play with ppl if the thought of playing with them gives me intense anxiety, if they can't be bothered to care about the story I'm trying to tell or the questions I ask for their characters. if I don't enjoy having a player in my campaign I shouldn't force myself to dm for them bc dming is supposed to be fun. I don't need to force myself to plan things I hate and cause me to take months long breaks from dming. it never felt like a chore to plan for my recent campaigns and it shouldn't feel like a chore. I love dming, and my players love being my players. I just need to better cultivate my audience to be one that cares about the things I care about. those might not be the people I initially thought I would dm for. but they're out there and they're excited for next session.

(I accidentally added a Kermit gif to the bottom of this and idk how to get rid of it lol)

#vent ig #to my mutual who might read this- this isn't about you #i just really appreciate my players. i love dming for people who let me know im appreciated #this is very personal and im sorry im posting it

1 note · View note

thuganomxcs · 1 month ago

Text

━━ ❝ 𝐖𝐞'𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭. ❞ Whether or not this will all be just a wild goose chase will depend solely on the news they’ll manage to find. So far the lot was empty save for the security guard at the building’s stair entrance and of course there were more people roaming the sidewalks, some going to clubs, others looking for bars..but not one student considering what time it is.

Upon hearing she was a little cold Yusuke would then drape his brown jacket over her shoulders, it should provide her a little extra warmth to go with what she’s already wearing. “That’s right you’ve never seen ‘im before. Let’s see for an old guy he’s got height on him, I’d say maybe he’s six foot, cause he’s taller than me, a little on the chubby side but not too much. He’s usually wearin’ an old trench coat..but he doesn’t see anyone here who fits that description so of course they’ll have to go to one of his other contacts.

“C’mon.” Yusuke spoke with a smile before stepping forward, walking along the side walk, away from the job center and back into this other part of town. Beyond the crowd of people, there was one other homeless man seen digging into garbage across the street in the alley. The large container seemed to have belonged to the Italian restaurant, but Yusuke could recognize this homeless man. “Ah, not who we’re lookin’ for but it’s a start. Heeey Komoto!!” He called out towards the man. Yusuke leads her over towards the alley.

“Urameshi-kun? I didn’t think you’d be around here this time of night.” The man said, ooh and he spotted a little friend. Upon seeing Sakura he made a bow.

“I’m actually lookin’ for Toji, this is Kasugano Sakura, a friend of mine. Sakura, this is Komoto Hiro. My snitch for news around this part of town.” Yusuke said with a grin on his face.

“The plesure is mine Kasugano-chan. As for Toji, I saw him earlier today..maybe four..five hours ago? The sun was still up then. From what I saw it was a regular job, he was bragging how he’s hit big but from what I saw, he was only hanging out ya know, tissues. It wasn’t until I saw him get into a red car, they flashed him an envelope, he opened it and was thrilled, and then he left with them.” The man said trying to recollect the scene.

“A red car, and then he was gone from there..any idea where the car went?” Yusuke asked.

“From what I saw they drove to the Theater area but..hes been a no-show from there. It looked like the pocket tissue thing might have been a front for whatever the car picked him up for, but I’m sorry I can’t be much help you from there.” Kondo said.

“Don’t worry about it, you were tons of help. Hey, keep yourself warm tonight, and try t’ get yourself at the usual spot tomorrow. I’m headin’ there again if ya want a meal.” Yusuke said softly.

She rolls her eyes. Was she naive at times ? Yes. Was she stupid ? No. She knew what cigarette smoke smelled like. To play innocent goes against what she initially thought of him; someone who lacked shame in any area of his life. Passing street lights cascade over their vehicle, giving a break to the darkness ahead of them. ❝ Huh goin' on a wild goose chase ... you think any eyewitnesses are still in the area at this time ? ❞ after all, it was nighttime, if witnesses weren't at home they were indulging in the plethora of vices in the area.

Arriving, she notes how quiet and empty the lot was. She looks around trying to take notice of anything suspicious, but alas, this was a normal as a normal lot can be in the middle of night. Sakura hops out meeting with the other at his side, his question stumping her. She looks upwards in thought, seemingly too long in fact, before settling. ❝ A little ❞ she comments, looking back down at him. ❝ Wait Yusuke ❞ she grips his arm holding him in place, holding her gaze directly to his eyes for a moment. ❝ What does this guy look like ? ❞

#❛ rp ━ all these bitches comin' but i'm stayin' at the ready.#❛ au ━━ heard you turned it up to 99 well bitch you gettin' betty'd.#❛ yusaku ━━ can we take another second to embrace this?#hadobreeze

9 notes · View notes

per-the-jellicle-magician · 4 years ago

Text

Munkustrap in Cats Warsaw was played by 3 actors in the beginning

And i know that in the recording it's not Damian Aleksander, since his voice is a little deeper and he's built a little differently so it's easy to recognize him everywhere

So it leaves only Michał Norkowski and Tomasz Więcek, the costumes have some differences, most notably the sheerness of the mesh, should be easy to tell which one it is

And two weeks and a lot time spend scavenging the internet later I still have no idea which one it is

#without make up they just look the same #and sure there is a sketch for Tomasz's make up #but only for him #and the main differences are wigs and mesh tops (and fur color)#but there is just not enough photos and everything #I'm not even trying to find out which Grizabella is in the recording #there's 3 of them #same with old D #maybe im just garbage in recognizing people #cats warsaw #cats the musical #munkustrap

6 notes · View notes

thegeminisage · 2 years ago

Text

ok tng update time. yesterday i did "haven" and just now i finished "the big goodbye."

haven: not like GOOD but definitely watchable! i think this was one largely saved from going in my garbage heap pile because nurse chapel played deanna's mom. like, if it hadn't been nurse chapel she would have been the MOST irritating annoying character but instead i was just like awww its majel barrett look at her being all quirky good for her. being ever so slightly faceblind it took me a minute to recognize her, since i just recognized her by her voice. it was also this episode or maybe the next one that i realized she was doing the computer - she uses such a different tone in tng and i hadn't been expecting to hear her voice, but the computer was starting to sound awfully familiar so i looked it up and wow sure enough. GOOD for her.

also, deanna having a truly horrible, wretched, AWFUL mother also endeared me to her more than words can say. i was JUST thinking that even though people say data is the knockoff spock it's not true - data is the inverse of spock, and DEANNA is the knockoff. like this was very much like oh she's half alien half human, it's time for her weird little alien marriage like amok time, it's time to meet her alien family like in journey of babel, etc etc, this episode could have been an email and she could have been a vulcan, etc etc etc. then she stormed out of the room and knocked that little gong thing over and i think i fell in love with her on the spot. im not sure if i wanna marry her or be her but i am now a deanna enjoyer.

my main gripes with the episode were 1. they never really explained how her intended husband and that blonde chick met...am i really supposed to believe lwaxana's bs about the current of life connecting them? and then also him saying goodbye to his parents was like...anyway bye mom and dad! not remotely believable. i didn't really care about him but it was wack.

and 2. deanna and will had an argument but then never got to reconcile at the end...this is the first time i was actually interested in their romance and then they barely got to speak two words to each other. i know tng episodes are 5min shorter than tos episodes, but this is like the 4th time i've thought they needed a bit more time at the end for that debrief scene they always had in tos...can they truly not pace this better. come on

the big goodbye: unwatchable in EVERY way. this episode was so fucking bad. dr crusher trying to make herself look Hot Like Women Do and getting mad when picard invited People Who Were Not Her to the holodeck. the data being from south america joke that is only a little better than kirk calling spock chinese in the city on the edge of forever. the fake stakes. picard walking around with lipstick on his mouth. treating data like a third wheel which should be punishable by law. the 1940s setting which is TIRED when you're not in the depths of whatever i was doing in 2014. COME ON

i will say though that i did love picard trying to learn the little insect language where the letters change their sound depending on what symbols are beside them. me trying to learn japanese on duolingo fr. also i did laugh one time when dr crusher swallowed the gum. her actress really sold that one. great job.

also, what was UP with the characters in the holodeck having their own existential crisis about not being real??? that plus any potential malfunction making the holodeck capable of killing people leads me to believe it should not be on this ship. like if i thought the fake holodeck characters were sentient enough to wonder if they were sentient and doomed to cease existing once i took my eyes off of them i would firstly never enter the holodeck again but secondly call a priest to disassemble it

anyway, tonight we are doing "datalore." can't wait for more data lore and also to meet his evil twin or whatever that's about

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb

4 notes · View notes

goldengoddess · 4 years ago

Text

you’re my home - kaz brekker

pairing: kaz brekker x heartrenderi!reader

request: hi!can i request a kaz brekker x reader where they were childhood friends but she had to leave because she was a grisha, and later at the fete they see each other again and she ends up helping the crows?thank you!!have a great day!

a/n: hey i hope this is what you like! i based it more off the show and just switched things around,,,, this is absolutely cheesy and i hate it and i didn’t know how to end it pls forgive me omg

warnings: normal heist stuff, like one curse word?

kaz brekker had changed since the last time you saw him.

to start, he was taller. he’d grown at least two feet. he’d also grown into himself, he didn’t look like the lanky boy that you had once pulled out of the garbage can that one time. and he had a noticeable limp, something that he hadn’t had when the two of you had last talked. his clothes were different too, he was wearing a little palace guards uniform.

but you knew who he was anyways.

his voice was the same, the same comforting sound that invaded your dreams on a good night and had you screaming on a bad night. when you heard him whispering you whipped your head around in panic. he was leaning down talking to suli girl in hushed and angry tones.

when had he become a palace guard? you wondered to yourself, how hadn’t you noticed before? why was he in ravka of all places?

a silly thought came into your head, was he looking for you?

but you pushed the thought away, moving close enough to listen but not to get caught.

“take your position” you heard him say to the girl, also in guards uniform.

she moved away silently, too silently.

kaz straightened himself and surely enough turned his head in your direction.

his eyes were also the same. they were the same color the same look. but they were hardened and cold. the eyes of a boy who had done everything too survive. even the things that he didn’t want to do.

his face was shocked for only a fraction of a second before he regained his composure and faced the rest of the room. standing straight and poised like any of the other palace guards.

had he not recognized you? no, that couldn’t be it. the two of you had grown up together, yes you had changed but not enough that he wouldn’t know who you were. maybe he resented you. for leaving. for being grisha. for having been taken away and saved from the streets of ketterdam unlike him.

you remembered the day they had taken you away.

you and kaz were huddled in the corner of the room away from the rest of the kids your age.

the two of you were been inseparable. stuck together like glue, everyone said.

both of you worked the shitty jobs in the barrel. the ones no one else wanted to do. you ran around the streets delivering packages and messages. you would clean up anything that needed cleaning. the two of you were survivors.

kaz never talked about his brother or how he’d ended up working the streets like this, but you knew, even then as a little kid, you were all he had.

but nothing good ever lasted for little kaz brekker.

when the grisha examiners landed in the harbor of the city, all of the children running around making trouble on the street were forced to get tested.

you and kaz weren’t any different.

you tried to hold onto him as the adults gripped to your arm, testing your for abilities in the small science. when they determined that you were grisha, and promised you a wonderful life at the little palace, they had to rip you from kaz’s arms.

the both of you were wailing and protesting, saying that you wouldn't go anywhere without the other. but eventually the fight left you and you let them drag you away from your only family to a country you didn’t know

you snapped back to the reality of the party going on around you. kaz still looked stoic and unphased a few feet away from you, as if your presence didn’t affect him at all.

but his presence affected you tremendously.

you had whined and cried when you first made it to the palace but you had loved your life here. being surrounded by other grisha, other heartrenderers. people who could do the same things as you. understood the need to use your powers. and you couldn’t deny how comforting it had been to settle into a life where you didn’t have to worry about whether you could make enough money to eat.

you thought of kaz all the time. you thought of everything you had left behind but the only thing that had really mattered to you in that horrible place was kaz. you wondered what had become of the young boy you knew in the years since you had seen him.

just as you were about to make a move to talk to him, two squallers were storming in the direction of kaz and the silent girl he had been talking too before.

the two of them shared a look and started walking in opposite directions. kaz walked past you, sparing you the fastest look ever. a look no one else would have even noticed. but you did because kaz brekker, your child hood best friend was finally in front of you.

the hurried and suspicious steps of your fellow grisha, set off an alarm in your head. even when the two fo you were little, kaz was good at getting out of sticky situations. he has a gift for scheming and the sleight of hand.

he was here on a job, you concluded.

you waited a few seconds and then snuck away, following kaz out of the room where the main events of the fete were taking place.

you walked in just in time to see the inferni make a move to attack kaz. you raised your arms and the grisha dropped like a stone. kaz turned around in a fighting stance and froze when he saw you. he kept his hands in fists, as if he was waiting for you to attack him too.

you dropped you hands, “what are you doing here kaz?”

he dropped his hands as well but you could tell he was still on guard and looking for a way to leave the room.

"i don't have to explain myself to you” he all but growled at you.

you stepped away from him, like his words had physically wounded you.

he seemed to regret the words and took a couple of steps closer to you.

“i’m here on a job and i really need to go find my team so if you’ll excuse me” he tried to move to the door that was behind you.

“let me help” you said, almost desperate. he had just come back into your life, and yes it seemed like he resented you but you couldn’t let him go just yet.

he looked at you skeptically but nodded his head, “i need to get to the courtyards with the carriages. can you take me there.”

you nodded and started leading the way. you turned through many different hallways, moving up and downstairs. every now and then you held up a hand for kaz to stop, as you listened for a heartbeat nearby.

“you’re good at that” he mumbled, gesturing towards your heartrender movements.

you nodded your head, a shy smile. “yeah i’ve had a lot of practice here.”

his face turned gloomy at that and you realized you had said the wrong thing. “yeah. i know” he said curtly.

you stopped for a minute, turning to look at kaz in the dimly lit hallway.

“i’m sorry i left okay? i know it hurt you, i can only imagine how much it must have sucked. it was horrible here at first, i missed you every day. but i will not apologize for enjoying myself here and taking advantage of what i was taught. i like it here. i have friends, and a life, and im good at what i do and i will not allow you to make me feel bad about that.” you said all in one breath.

kaz didn’t say anything, choosing to look down at the floor instead of you.

you sighed and took a step closer to him, you noticed he still wore the black gloves similar to the first pair that you had stolen for him when you two were younger.

“kaz,” you said, your voice shaking, “i missed you so much. i still miss you and you’re standing right in front of me. i get why you hate me but i really don’t want you to. so that’s why i’m helping you, that’s why i’m going to get you out of here without getting caught.”

you turned on your heel, prepared to continue to lead him away. but before you could get away he grabbed your hand and spun you back around.

he flinched at his own action and let go.

“i don’t hate you y/n. i get why you enjoyed yourself here, this over a life of petty and dangerous crime? of course this is the better opportunity but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when you left.”

you bit your lip and nodded your head in understanding.

he looked directly into your eyes, “i knew you would be here but i thought, hey what are the chances of actually running into you. having to see you happy and having to live with the fact that i never came to look for you.”

you took a step closer to him, “kaz i don’t blame you for not coming to get me, i wouldn’t have wanted you to anyway.”

he looked at you and for the first time he looked desperate. kaz brekker was never desperate. and if he was, he didn’t show it.

“come home with us” he said.

you raised your eye brows in surprise.

“come home with me” he corrected, looking at the wall to avoid your eyes

it was the same voice he had used all those years ago, when he was begging for you to stay. he wanted to you stay with him. to come home. to go back to the place that had broke kaz and would probably have broken you.

but it was kaz.

but ketterdam wasn’t your home anymore.

kaz had been your home, but was he still?

the two of you stayed silent. there was still so much the two of you needed to say. how you had probably loved him as a kid. how you probably loved him now. how you regretted never writing, never trying. how you missed ketterdam. how this place would be perfect if kaz was here with you. but there wasn’t enough time or courage to say those things.

so instead, you raised your arms in your fighting grisha stance and smiled at him.

“how about we get you out of here first and then we can decide is i become a fugitive of ravka to go play crime boss in ketterdam?” you teased.

he almost gave you a grin and you continued walking, a new found peace settled between the two of you.

kaz brekker in the little palace, who should have thought.

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker imagine #six of crows imagine #six of crows #shadow and bone #grisha #Grishaverse #leigh bardugo #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #nina zenik #matthias helvar #inej gahfa

751 notes · View notes

shotorozu · 4 years ago

Note

4K!! IM SO PROUD YOU DESERVE IT SO MUCH MY ANGEL <33

i'd like to request tamaki caught in 4k sharing clothes with his s/o if that's okay. congrats again!! im so happy for you :')

CAUGHT IN.. 4K SHARING CLOTHES

THE 4,000 FOLLOWERS EVENT 📸 (prompts and rules can be found there)

note(s) : AAAA THANK YOU, TY TY SO MUCH ❤️‍🔥🤍‼️ also yes, this prompt with tamaki is absolute gold so— the taste 👁👁 (sorry for the delay 😔 wrote this before the event ended— so now im just posting what i had written)

it first started off simple, like most things.

it first began with a pair of octopus patterned socks— oddly enough. you just so happened to like tamaki’s ‘octo-socks’ as you’d call them. since he noticed your obvious fascination to them, he allowed you to borrow them for some time.

he didn’t see anything faulty with it, after all— they were just some socks he bought while shopping one day, a part of him choosing to disregard the paranoia of someone recognizing the familiar socks on you.

then, you guys had a fair trade of some comfy, dark gray sweats. which tamaki seemed to subconsciously seek after one gruesome, busy day outside, and when he was too tired to get his own pair.

then came the graphic t-shirts, dress shirts, and then finally— the hoodies and sweatshirts.

a part of you thinks the both of you would’ve started sharing things like hoodies and sweatshirts first, and not something like a pair of socks.

however, the socks weren’t garbage in terms of fashion sense— and besides,socks are somewhat of a secret item, maybe not intentionally secretive, but subtle. and, you’re content with that, you know how much of a timid person tamaki is.

and, you’d be better off not seeing your boyfriend bursting out into hives, because someone recognized the familiar article of clothing.

but then, there was this non-verbal agreement the two of you had. that was to only wear each other’s clothes during dates, and moments where you’re spent in each other’s dormitory rooms.

the current situation, being the first exclusion of that implicit rule.

“tama, just— wear the sweater? what’s wrong with it?” amidst the rush, you still manage to question him, even though you’re not directly looking at him. on the other half, your indigo haired boyfriend still worries.

“n-nothing’s wrong with your sweater. ‘s nice..” he stammers, mumbling the last part, as he picks up your sweater— and feels the sweater’s fabric. “it’s just.. what if someone recognizes it?” he questions reasonably.

“they won’t, they’ll be too busy doing i don’t know— planning the next class hangout?” you quickly throw on an outfit, one that’s fashionable and less than questionable— and turn to the door, “we should go,”

tamaki opens his mouth to speak, but hearing your classmates call out for more people to gather at the common room— you’re already out the door in a hurry.

he has valid concerns and worries. first of all— the sweater you threw at him was a sweater you bought online. the mini logo was reflective, and it had an intricate, unique design engraved at the hem of the sleeves. cheap, but of high quality. so, it would’ve been highly questioned, if he wore it instead of you.

reluctantly, tamaki steps outside— following your footsteps, and also trying to calm his mind.

he stands next to you in the common room, luckily not in the center of all the attention. tamaki slightly relaxes when no one speaks to him— being occupied by the meeting.

“nice sweater, tamaki!” mirio compliments, the appearance of his friend nearly startling him. despite not being in the same class, mirio still hangs around in 3-A, just for anything. “where’d you find it? the fabric.. feels fancy!”

tamaki freezes at the question. how’s he supposed to answer that? sure, he might’ve been across the room when you bought the sweater, but the precise details? he’s not sure.

he huffs, preparing his logical, implicit answer “o-online,”

the matter seems to be settled at that, but even with the lack of conversation— it feels like someone’s boring their eyes into the back of his skull. tamaki doesn’t dare to look back, not wanting to see the wondering stares.

“tamaki!” nejire’s cheerful voice snaps him out of his worry. it doesn’t fail to make him flinch, “h-hi.” he replies, nodding in acknowledgement

nejire’s eyes are sent downwards, and her curious eyes linger onto his sweater for moment, there’s something unreadable in her stare.

“i asked you about your opinion,” she grins, knowing his lack of attention, “should our class stay in for a movie this weekend? or should we go out to the mall?”

tamaki gulps, all of the attention being focused on him. he just hopes no one says anything about his sweater. “i-i don’t know? is there a split opinion?”

“half of us want to go to the mall and half of us wanted to stay here. we just need your call to settle it!” a classmate remarks encouragingly, patting tamaki on the back.

“on a side note, your sweater looks kinda familiar.” another classmate remarks, “it makes me want to go to the mall and find it.”

the comment unsettles him, and it’s not just because they probably can’t find the sweater in the mall.

“actually— yeah, where did you buy it? was it custom made? i haven’t seen that sweater anywhere!” nejire comments

he knows he should probably change the subject into something less.. probing. “i-i think we’re getting side tracked—”

“wait!” a female classmate interrupts, “i know why that sweater’s familiar now.”

you finally look at tamaki’s sweater, and his concerns suddenly make sense to you— seeing that it was the sweater you’ve bought online. you don’t know if you should feel panicked, proud, amused, or all three together.

“that’s Y/N’s sweater! i saw them wearing that same sweater a week ago!” they revealed, and the class shouts in realization— the discussion of where to go for the weekend is long gone.

“no wonder why Y/N’s socks looked so familiar, it was because they were tamaki’s” nejire practically squeals, “our friends are soooo cute! absolute goals!”

at the discovery that his friends knew about the socks exchange, tamaki’s heart beat increased— skipping a few beats in the process.

“at least we can wear each other’s clothes in public now!” you reassure lightly, pecking his cheek— which causes the class to uproar in glee yet again.

it felt like he was going to pass out, away, and ascend into the sky.

312 notes · View notes

olderthannetfic · 3 years ago

Note

Re: shounen ai and it's improper usage. I learned yesterday from your blog the history of the term and it's definition! I learn so much from here about media, and it's great. I've been reading BL/yaoi/shounen ai for around fifteen years (only in English-speaking circles), and I've always seen shounen ai used to suggest "non-explicit BL" or some other variety and never the definition or history you've explained. Even most manga-hosting sites have shounen-ai as an established genre and the content to be found in that genre is basically "soft-BL" regardless of it's decade of origin or style of story. Do Japanese-speaking circles use the term/genre shounen ai today the way you've laid out in your previous posts about it, differently, or at all? Do they recognize the way it's used in English-speaking circles? Revile it? Is this a case of a runaway term being severed from its context and misused by English-speakers? And if the term has been misused for over 15 years (bc it was well established already when I first started consuming BL) at what point does a separate/second definition become legitimized/acceptable? This seems particularly sticky when it's a word from another language and culture. In case it isn't clear over text, I'm asking in good faith and am fascinated by the evolution of definitions between languages! (One of my favorite examples of this is the Korean good luck/do your best English exclamation "Fighting!")

Heh. Yeah. It's been (mis)used that way for a long time in English. It's baked into old fanfic archives like MediaMiner too. 'Shoujo ai' too! (Which would actually mean something more like "the love of adult men for pubescent girls". But this one is more of a coining by English speakers by analogy.)

I don't think Japanese fans have any need to care about how English speakers misuse their terms unless they speak enough English to participate in fandom in English (and unlike with a lot of languages, there's a vibrant home-grown geek community and no real need to go to other languages).

Today, people sometimes use 'shounen ai' to talk about those 70s series. It's more likely to turn up in a history lecture by a professor of manga than to pop out of most fans' mouths, IME. (Though my Japanese is garbage, so it's not like I'm watching how people are talking out loud. I just see textual stuff online mostly, like people going "What does term X" mean in that yahoo answers way.)

BL is "BL". Period. There is not some standard term for the "soft" end of it.

"at what point does a separate/second definition become legitimized/acceptable"

If this were an honest mistake or not super confusing, maybe rather quickly. Japanese is littered with wacky, "misused" loan words from English.

But even English-speaking fandom had people trying to stem the tide of incorrect usage all the way back to the 90s, and the usage tends to not just mean "I personally found this soft" but "This is objectively soft and there's a meaningful distinction between these two things" when BL is not actually divided into tiers like that.

It's the same as people classifying "shounen" and "shoujo" based on romance and fighting content when these have objective measures of what magazine a series ran in.

I would also be more inclined to accept this dumb usage if it weren't (in the 2020s, but not in the 1990s) constantly coming from kink-haters shaming and attacking their fellow fans.

36 notes · View notes

kojinnie · 4 years ago

Text

Something About Pain | Reiner Braun

Pairing: Reiner Braun x Reader (she/her pronoun)

Summary: You ran away from home and your boyfriend Reiner Braun is desperate to bring you home. When the two of you meet, you share a conversation about how pain inflicts the two of you differently.

Tags & Warning: Angst, (eventual) fluff, (mild) hurt/comfort, slow burn, major miscommunication problem, past trauma, abandonment issue, mention of anxiety, Reiner is a grumpy, hurt individual yet delicate inside | SFW

Word Count: 4.5K

A/N: Based on the request by @okubean for Twisted Match-Up! I hope you like it, boo! (More A/N at the end of the fic)

.::My Masterlist::.

Twisted Match-Up (x Reader): Zeke | Hange | Jean

There was a vivid look of worry on the face of Reiner Braun as he drove through the empty neighborhood streets. His right hand on the steering wheel, the other one tapping anxiously on the phone, dialing the same number over and over again to no avail.

All of his calls had gone straight to your mailbox, and his text messages were no longer delivered. Reiner came to realize that you've blocked him. "Idiot," he muttered to himself, cursing this whole modern affinity to accommodate people running from their problems easier. Reiner thought the feature was the stupidest thing ever created by humankind, he was pissed, but more annoyed. He realized how tired he was, and if he could, he'd rather be in bed right now. Not roaming your friend's neighborhood at ungodly hour.

"Where... the fuck... are you..." he was pissed, evident from the grunt as he tried one final desperate attempt to call you. It went straight to your mailbox. Your cheery voice didn't make him feel any better, if any, Reiner wished he could tell the mailbox-you to shut the hell up.

Reiner finally hit the brake, sighing annoyed. His black SUV stopped underneath the streetlamp, at a random neighborhood he could only vaguely remember. He had been here before, when he picked you up from your bestfriend's house after one of your "night out" with your friends from college, but he could barely remember which one of these identical suburban houses did she live.

He rested his forehead on the steering wheel, racking his brain trying to remember the house number. Is this even the correct cul-de-sac? There are tens others. Who the fuck came up with the concept of suburban housing? Strips and strips of uniformed houses. And even worse, who the fuck thought that it was such a great idea to live in one? Like some Stepford Wives nightmare. Reiner couldn't believe some people would save up money for all their lives to pay off their mortgage to live in complete conformity, like a communist utopia with capitalist credit system. Were these people right in the head or had their brains fucked over by the boring 9 to 5 jobs they've had for decades?

That's beside the point. Reiner sighed. He ranted a lot when frustrated.

He knew you'd be there, in one of these houses, curled up crying in your bestfriend's bed, perhaps pouring your heart out on how much of a bad boyfriend Reiner was. He knew because you've passed the micro-aggression millionth times, muttering under your breath, saying that you'd be fine if Reiner kicks you out because your bestfriend would take you. What kind of fuckery was all that? Why would he ever kick you out? Reiner thought. He was clueless. Why were you so adamant that he would leave you eventually? Reiner could feel his annoyance grew while reminiscing your antics. He began to think, maybe he had never understood you to begin with.

But Reiner was wrong, because he was right about a lot of things about you. You were exactly in your bestfriend's house, curled up in her bed, ranting how hard it was being with Reiner. Although the tears had dried since hours ago. You were in your PJs and drinking the hot coco your friend had made you, comfortable in the bliss of obliviousness upon the fact that your boyfriend of one year was now driving aimlessly trying to locate your position. You were adamant that he was going to leave you anyway, you thought he wouldn't exert an ounce of energy trying to plea you home.

It was 4 AM in the morning and you hadn't come home. The trace of you had gone completely from Reiner's apartment since early morning. Reiner knew that this was bound to happen, had he done anything differently - would you stay? He thought of you and the state that the two of you had been tangled in. All the unresolved tension, or the persistent insinuations coming from you that you always shrugged off in the end, saying "Nothing." as if it did not matter, each time Reiner shot them with, "What did you say?"

You sipped your hot coco and let a troubled whimper as you told your bestfriend what was happening. It's the culmination of small things, your feeling of inadequacy and the anxiety of waking up every morning, being convinced that each day would be the day that Reiner finally leaves you. Every day you’d be mentally preparing yourself for the ultimate fate until Reiner returns home with his big, warm hug until your anxiety caves in. And that the anxiety would appear again in the next morning.

The idea of him leaving became incessant and you could never bug it off. You wondered why, maybe because you believed that you were inherently flawed. Maybe it's the way Reiner made that small "Tsk," when he came home to see the garbage piled up, "Babe, didn't I tell you to put out the garbage?"; or the deep, annoyed and condescending sighs he made when he missed his favorite show because you forgot to pay the cable bills while he was out at the office.

Maybe it's the way you couldn't match his sharp memory and reliability with you constantly forgetting things and your seeming inattentiveness despite the abundant reminders, notes and alarms you've made to keep yourself alerted. At times, your mind just wandered, and you needed him to rope you back in, but he never got the gist.

So, you were adamant that you had grown to be nothing but inconvenience for him, hence when he spent the night over at his office due to what he called "Shit load of work" over the phone, you were certain he wouldn't come back at all. You knew that the pain of being abandoned would haunt you to myriad of miseries, so you'd rather leave first. You knew it would be the end you both needed, because you knew Reiner did not care about you enough to tolerate your shit any longer. He was always quiet, there was hardly ever any expression on his face, God knows what he was thinking underneath. Each of your "Reiner, I'm sorry." would only be met by a singular hum or a quick, "It's okay." that left you wondering, did he ever mean it at all?

So that morning you left. While he was still at the office, because you knew there was no feelings strong enough for Reiner to keep him from leaving you eventually. You left first.

Your bestfriend nodded in reassurance, "You gotta do what you gotta do." she said pulling you into a warmly hug, but your attention was suddenly caught by the pile of plastics and packages from your take-outs at the corner of your friend's room. It just bothered your mind, and you got up to take it out. A small token of atonement to what you wish you had done to Reiner.

Your bestfriend immediately scrambled and took the garbage away from you. Insisting for you to stay in bed and let her take care of it. You nodded and retreated to the pillow fortress. You felt bad for her because the temperature was dropping, and there was no necessity to take the garbage out right now, but your impulse was often hard to subside, and your friend had grown to acknowledge and take sympathy over that. Unlike Reiner, you thought.

Maybe it's because Reiner never shown anyone openly about what he felt, but what you did not know, sometimes he wish he had. Sometimes he wished he'd opened up about how hard it is for him to breathe when unfortunate things occur that he did not have the answer to. Sometime he wished he could share his fear, worry, anger and disappointment, but he was always thought that a man got to suck it up, and perseverance was the only way he knew how to survive.

Sometimes he wished he had told somebody that the constant worrying about his loved ones consumed him too, to the point it became hard for him to let his guard down even when things are okay. He was always on alert, and sometimes it got exhausting too for him. He wished he had told all that, so in times like these he did not have to assume the heartbreak alone while trying to find the solution to it. Sometimes he wished people knew that he cared too, he loved too, he knew too when someone he loved was struggling, but he never learned how to show it. Reiner knew your mind often raced hundreds of miles per hour, Reiner knew your state of agitation, but he never had anyone to teach him how affection should look like, other than be of service, which he tried his best at being. It was no wonder that Reiner was left clueless when you chose to leave without warning.

He was pissed because he knew how daft he was, yet none of it was ever intentional. He cursed himself for not knowing what went wrong, for not being more observant, for not being open with his feelings, for not telling you how much he had grown to love you and how much his apartment immediately grew cold at your absence. But mostly, at this moment, he cursed himself because he wasn't attentive enough to know you friend's house number.

The air was crisp when your bestfriend stepped out of her porch. She made quick steps to the garbage can when she saw bright headlights coming in from the end of the street. She grunted, wondering what was her neighbor doing, cruising around with dramatically low speed. It seemed odd.

She put her fingers above her eyes, trying to recognize the plate number or the driver, but the black SUV lights were dispersing her sight.

She closed the garbage can and tried to immediately return inside but the car cruised closer and pulled over in front of her. The window rolled open.

"Hey," There was an immediate look of surprise from the person that Reiner barely recognized. But he was sure enough that it was her, judging from her body language; all tensed and alerted, "This is Reiner."

For a moment, there was an awkward silence between Reiner and your bestfriend. She was considering carefully on what to say next.

"Uhm yeah, I know." Your bestfriend finally spoke, her voice creaked, caught by surprise. "What do you want?"

Reiner spoke your name, "I want to meet my girlfriend." Reiner could hear the desperation in his own voice, but your friend jeered in response.

"My girlfriend." she passingly mocked the way Reiner spoke, she came to dislike what she thought was possessiveness in Reiner's nature of speaking, "She's not available. I suggest you to scram. Before my neighbors complain."

Reiner furrowed his brows in dismay, couldn't seem to understand the hostility presented by your friend, "I need to talk to her."

She stood unyielding. Reiner opened the door and climbed off of the car, sighing as he walked closer, propelling your friend to keep her distance away even further. "Please, let me talk to her."

"Not a chance." She turned around and scurried back into the house. Reiner was quick to yell, to her expected dismissal. Without thinking further, Reiner got back to behind the wheel and moved his car forward on to the curb, proceeding to close off the exit way for her small city car in the driveway.

Reiner jumped off the car as your besfriend realized what he had done, "I'm not moving the car until she comes down."

She let out a restraint shrieked, "What the fuck?! I got a dentist appointment tomorrow morning!"

"Then please, tell her to come down and talk to me," Reiner said, sounding almost apologetic. He threw a glance at a lonely swing set in the small park across the street, "there."

The occurrence happening before your eyes was unexpected to say the least. You closed the small slit from your bestfriend's window fold, trying to manage your heartbeat that had become almost deafening. At the same time your bestfriend appeared from the door, face red with flustered, "I think he really wants to see you."

Thousands of thoughts made a commotion in your head. It did not make any sense. You made it easier for Reiner by walking away with clean slate, you were sure this was what he had hoped secretly.

Your friend shuffled inside and shot you a deep stare, she sighed heavily and told you that whether you liked it or not, you had to face him. Reiner looked genuinely worried, she said, twisting your guts even further.

You sat in her bed for a moment, trying to relive every waking moment with Reiner. Sure there were moments when your own thoughts chased you into a deep corner and you wished Reiner had seen it. Sometimes you wished he’d hold you tight, kiss you with reassurance and told you how meaningful you were to him. Sure, sometimes being with Reiner could feel lonely, but he had never treated you back nor was he ever intentionally mean to you. What do I want? The question hung heavy in your mind.

I want him to say that he wants me, the voice within the nook of your brain said, I want him to say that he loves me.

You nodded, finally ceasing from running away further.

Reiner never thought that at his 20-something he would sit miserably on a random swing-set at a random neighborhood just an hour before the dusk cracked. Reiner was a big man, but even with his figure and the aid of his tailored suit and shirt, wrinkled after gruesome hours at work trying to keep his company afloat on the thin ice of his personal relationship with you – Reiner was tired, and miserable, and desperate. Even more, he was cold as the temperature continued to drop down.

He hung his head low, trying to fight the shivers. It was quiet, too quiet, only the faint sound of the wind and the creaking sound of the swing-set holding off to its dear life under Reiner’s massive weight. The man sighed, never he thought that the sight of you coming out of someone’s house in the dead of a night would be a spectacle he looked forward to the most.

He closed his eyes, shutting himself off from any sound and thought. Thinking that maybe in the bleakness of his sense, the time would pass faster and your heart would soften.

In the nothingness Reiner could feel a sudden warmth crept from the tips of his fingers, he opened his eyes to see you standing before his eyes, towering him who was sitting like a pathetic boy on the swing. You were wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, hiding your PJs underneath. In your hands were two cups of scalding tea, you shoved one into his hand, “You came.” You stated.

Reiner let out a deep sigh of relief as he saw you safe and sound. He felt warmth travelled across his body, he did not know whether it was the tea in his hand or simply the sight of you that made him felt so. His eyes latched on to you as you sat on the swing next to him, “Hey. What are you doing?” Reiner asked.

“Running away.”

“Why?”

Reiner looked at you intently, and the guilt started to consume you. You gazed afar, softly shook your head, “Dunno.”

“I see.”

Yet another silence ensued.

“How’s work?”

Reiner sighed again; the heavy breath seemed to be the only way the two of you communicated. Just two troubled minds pouring their burden at each other, “Bertholdt abruptly resigned—fuck, it’s been a nightmare, but—” Reiner pressured his thumb over his brows, trying to ease his sharp migraine that suddenly came, “—that doesn’t matter now. Will you come home?”

He looked at you again, you were still gazing to god-knows-what, everything other than his eyes. Reiner grew antsy on his seat, the swing creaked again. Please look at me. Please look at me. The words resonated incessantly in Reiner’s head but nothing came out of his mouth. Just a stoic, to-the-point question.

Don’t you wanna know the problem, Reiner? Is that all? I said I don’t know and you didn’t even try to dig in deeper? You came all the way here and you just straight up asking me to go home with you? Your mind was nowhere better. It’s in uproar but there was only silence coming out of your mouth. But he came, he didn’t leave. Contradiction danced inside your mind like an unwanted guest.

The silence grew heavier. You saw the lights from your bestfriend’s bedroom lit off, she had got to be tired eventually. Suddenly, you felt so alone. Just the two of you in this odd morning.

“It’s hard, right?” Reiner broke the silence, he looked at you again, this time he was desperate for you to look into his eyes. Little did he know, you were refusing to do so because you could feel your fragility forming in your eyes. You swore not to cry.

“What?” Just a depthless answer you uttered.

“Growing up.” Reiner muttered. The man sounded almost contemplative in his defeat. He sighed again and shook his head, “I thought I’d be someone better by this time in my life.”

The answer surprised you. You thought he would say something like ‘Relationship is hard’ or some jargons he picked up from one of the movies he watched without you. You felt bad for undermining him just because you were upset with him. Does it really mirror your true perception of him? Maybe you really hadn’t known him that well.

You had no resolve to his statement, so you just nodded, allowing him to pour out his thoughts.

“I thought I’d be better with my job, with myself, and most importantly,” he shifted to lurch towards you on his seat, the wire strings of the swing twisted to your direction, “with the people I love. But obviously, I still… suck.”

“And here I am. 4 AM. A fucking adult on a fucking neighborhood swing-set.”

You could feel the air suctioned out of your lungs, as you felt guilt loomed bigger inside you. He came and he felt bad – what more could I ask for? But then you remembered the nights of loneliness despite having Reiner sleeping next to you. You had a bad day, but you were too prideful to come clean. You wanted him to be intuitive, but he never did. Being with Reiner, you had mastered the art of crying in silence while sharing the bed with him. It’s exhausting. Yeah, Rei, maybe you’re bad at this.

Despite that, you stayed silent.

“Will you hate me if I say I don’t know what’s wrong?” Reiner knew how daft he sounded, “God. I’m pushing my luck coming clean at you.”

You were at loss for words. You had so many things to say, but too few of a courage.

Reiner called your name. He reached over and tried to tangle one of your fingers with his. From your periphery sight, you could see him forcing a smile, “I—”

He sighed again. Reiner’s chest was filled with words and all he wanted was to vomit it out, but he never knew how to properly addressed the feelings he had—he couldn’t even describe what he felt. All he knew was one thing: he wanted you home, back in his arms, “I am a stupid man. I really don’t know what’s happening between us. You.. just.. gone. Please, just tell me what’s wrong. I’m not smart enough for all these..”

There was almost a childish plea in Reiner’s words, and you couldn’t help but to threw a faint smile. You chuckled, “What did you say? You’re—what?”

He scoffed at himself, “I am stupid.”

You finally caved in because you realized there was an undeniable genuineness in the way he spoke. And the sentiment was mutual, you felt stupid as well for you had not realized how completely, utterly, truly clueless Reiner was.

Eventually, you looked at him. His hardened face quickly turned wary to finally see how puffy your eyes were from crying earlier, you forced a smile, but it was clear you were pretending, “You make me feel so lonely sometimes.”

The words came out of your mouth like a canonball that had been stuck in your chest for too long. You felt relief, but on the other side, Reiner could feel his heart broke. A pain from a man realizing too late of the damage he had caused.

You thought of everything that had made you feel so. The way Reiner rolled over in bed away from you, drowsy and unaware, when you called him in the dead night as your anxiety kicked in; when his hand let you go as you tried to hold his hands in public; the complete non-existing mention of you in his social media; the take-outs that he mindlessly brought home when you had cooked dinner; his easiness in dropping a problem after he said sorry without checking up with you further.

It was the absent of his intuition that made you felt invisible – but you realized too late that maybe he was truly oblivious, evident as he said, “But how?”

“You really don’t know?”

“Babe,” he further tangled your fingers into his grasp. Your hand and his, they hung in the middle of the two swing seats, “I swear on my mother’s grave.”

“I’ve always thought you wanted to leave me but never got the right moment to it. The affection—I hardly ever got it from you. Not the affirming words, not the reassurance. Hell, maybe I want that public kiss and hugs that you thought was stupid, Rei. Just—”

You could feel the tears forming, choking you mercilessly, “—just to feel loved. To feel wanted. For once.”

You finally let your tears dropped. And Reiner was slapped with realities that both of you were in. He let go of your hand and stared down at the pavement, “I’m sorry. I never knew.”

“You never asked.”

“But I never knew. How am I supposed to know that I should ask when I didn’t know I should ask on the first place? I’ve always thought you wanted to be left alone when all your crazy thoughts come in—but you—”

“—you—"

Reiner groaned, obviously frustrated. He rested the blabber, “Maybe we’re just not good at this.”

Like a train, you could feel the ending coming to hit you. This is it. This is it. You thought to yourself, picturing how Reiner would finally leave you. You secretly wished Reiner wouldn’t give in, you wish he’d put up more fight, so at least you’d know that you carried a weight in his heart. But you knew this was bound to happen, so why were you so upset?

“Maybe.” You wiped your tears dry, “That’s okay, Reiner. I know that’s what I am.”

“What?”

“I’m just an embarkation point, right? Everyone will leave me eventually. That’s why I left, because I know eventually, we’ll be talking about this. So I’d better leave first.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Reiner grew even more frustrated with the way you danced around your words.

“It’s okay if you want to leave me. That’s what all people do to me.”

“You left because you think I was planning to leave you all along?” Reiner asked, sounding painfully offended as he finally got to gather what you were insinuating, “So that is the problem?”

“Yeah, so I better leave first, right? Before I get hurt again? Before you leave me like other people and—”

“Fuck other people!” Reiner raised his voice, which he immediately regretted. He ran his fingers over his hair irritated, turning it into a complete blond mess, “Are you trying to avenge your revenge for other people—those exes you’ve had—on me?”

Tears welled up again in your eyes, as you looked away from him. But he called on your name again, this time there was a deep sternness in his call that you couldn’t help but to face him. Reiner was glad that you finally gained courage to speak the truth, when he had not, “So you want reassurance, yeah? How about the times I told you how beautiful, how smart, how great you are – only for you to tell yourself the opposite immediately.”

Reiner looked directly into your eyes, “I can’t make you something you’re not. What you are is who you think you are.”

“You can never matter – if you don’t think you do.”

An expressionless, soundless tear fell onto your cheek. A heart broke to your dismay. Reiner finally said the truth and there was no way you could delude yourself into thinking that he was wrong, “Then… why don’t you just leave me, Rei? Why don’t you get rid of me a long time ago?”

“Because I’m giving you something that I never received in my entire life, ever. I’m staying for you.” There was a palpable pain in the way Reiner spoke. He landed his finger on to your heart and you could feel it pierced through your skin with heavy realization, “I’m staying. Like no one ever did in my life. Not my ex-girlfriends, not my friends, and certainly not my father. That’s what makes us different. I have more faith in you than you have in me.”

Reiner was a man with heavy heart. He had been through a lot of things in his life, learned how to fend on for himself since very young, and dreamed of the day when he could finally put his hair down with someone he cared for. And what you hadn’t realize, was how essentially similar you were to him. How both of you longed for someone to let go of your inhibitions and fear? Just two broken people finding refuge in each other’s longing for the same thing. And that’s what you failed to see. He understood you, just in a way you didn’t understand.

And that’s the thing about pain, they are inherently personal. No matter how much you have shared yourself to others.

The two of you went dead silent for a moment. In the horizon, the sun rays were starting to emerge, the morning had arrived. Your tears cascaded painfully slow; Reiner was looking at his feet trying to sip his tea that had gone cold. His hands were trembling with both sadness and anger that were beginning to secede.

Reiner finally called your name, this time it was delicate, “I’m sorry, alright?”

You looked at him with tears in your eyes as you nodded, “Alright.”

“Will you come home, now?”

“Yes,” you muttered, “I think I will.”

The two of you got up and Reiner immediately drew you into his chest, holding you the tightest you had ever been held, reconnecting all the broken pieces scattered inside you. You buried your face into his strong chest as you sobbed once more, while he kissed the top of your head with affection more vivid than thousands of words of affirmations.

“What do we do with these hearts, Rei?” You asked as you felt your chest throbbing with pain and love.

The man loosened his embrace and smiled, “Persevere.”

A/N:

First of all thank you so much to @okubean for giving me a hellish prompt! This one really made me faced my own abandonment issue and poured it into a writing. I tried to touch about the absent-mindedness as the implication of ADHD but I’m really worried that it doesn’t really do it justice. So hereby my sincere apologies! 😭🙏

Nonetheless, I really hope that you may enjoy this piece and I’m so sorry if it comes off as boring!

I literally drafted this on the metro, and got really carried away with it!

Did I enjoy it? (Yes)

Did this turn out longer than I expected? (Yes)

Am I worried this will bore people? (Yes)

#reiner braun x reader #reiner x reader #reiner fluff #reiner angst #aot reiner #snk reiner #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan fanfiction #aot #snk #aot fanfiction

232 notes · View notes