#maybe multis aren't for you. and that's ok!

[insurged]

ANNOUNCEMENT: blog hiatus from may 7-10th !! i won't be on here since i'll be visiting my grandmother in CA.

[rin-and-jade]

Job Roulette.. or Not: A Post about Alter Roles

Roles like Hosts? Protectors?.. maybe a Cleaner? an Academic?.. why is there an alter who comes out only for driving?! What about these other alters who don't really do much--they got to have one right??

--Are probably what you might be thinking when this topic comes up. But, there's something more into it,, it's not all about what job or how the role is assigned to an alter only.

Well, for this post, lets talk EVERYTHING about how roles work, what kinds exist, why it's there?? And especially, why are some more task specific, multi-role, or even... none? Bowl straight to the point, let's roll out. Haha punny

Ok J, spill. What are they?

Hold on. Im pulling out this dictionary definition of it--ah!

"defined positions that are associated with given responsibilities and are usually allocated according to the position or ability of each person."

To put it in system terms, it's how different parts can do something that others couldn't, or, feel a sense of responsibility in one particular aspect. That's making sense right? But oh.. you still want to know why they're there at the first place. Fine, follow me!

Yeah, show me why!

As aforementioned, this disorder boxes up our different parts of selves with amnesia and weaker bonds of connection which really sets us back on easing our 'modes' for different situations.. not only that, a part's moods and state/personality can greatly affect what kinds of jobs they get, it's not so random as you'd thought.

So, thing is, because some alters have a distinguished ability capable in doing something, depending what fragment or pre-existing knowledge/experience it holds, that can become it's very own job task.

They can be hereditary (upon split or formed), gained (fuse or passed traits), or even learnt (by its own commitment, without any prior skills). Roles come from many origins, and none of them are so different.

But, some are more complex..

I get it, some can have more than one, have ultra specific ones, or literally just don't have any. Now it makes you think--if it was from predisposed strengths each alters naturally have, then why are some more niche? or like, anything else? I know why:

Our brains are complex alright. We both can think maybe we can do (even if we don't like it) and not do something, and these are all compartmentalized in each alters, so basically its part feelings, part acceptance of such trait, and part commitment as the formula. Even confidence or the call to action affects this outcome!

This can apply to who can handle more than one jobs, or for those who are more specific or lesser known roles. In fact, roles do not have any limits, they are specifically tailored for your functionality so don't fret if you have an alter who's job is only to sleep, or anything else 'silly' !

What about the ones without.. roles?

Do you think it feels wrong to not have roles? While it is true that roles are needed, they're not actually a required standard for everyone to have a job task. Mainly, ANP's are the one who usually have roles, but EP's can too.

If they do not have a role, they might be disinterested or think they don't have any potential, or sometimes they're only there to hold memories / don't have the qualified skill sets, and thats okay! You can take proactive action in anyhow you'd like, just remember, every parts aren't forced to contribute, you know? It doesn't make them useless, maybe more on passive support/back ups.

I've also seen some systems who don't really have roles because the alters are all well-rounded, as in pick up other's tasks and that they're not assigned/compelled to do a particular job at all times, like being flexible. everyone's different!

Make sense, anything else?

Well, that we are not bound to roles, they do not define us, and that we can lose, or change roles according to our growth. Have anyone ever mentioned that?

Im aware that we tend to put too much emphasis on having jobs and being contributive, but the most important thing to keep in mind is that we all in this together, and to help each other, in a way or another.

Never forget that you're more than your job! Maybe try to enjoy other parts of life, yeah?

--

Thats the end of the post. What will you do if you find a new alter with no impressions of having a role? How do you see roles in your own pov? What's the first thing you'd do if you were to be free from your job task, if any? Feel free to let me know, i hope this has been informative, im willing to add anything if something's missing!

- j

[yourlocalmerchgirl]

The War Within - Part Two

Briefly Joel x Neurodivergant Reader Then Tommy x Neurodivergant wife reader

Part 1

Summary: The time has come after all these years for you to face Joel again. But when a conversation goes wrong and leaves you reeling after he finds out you and Tommy are married, your fierce protectiveness comes out as you defend Tommy after Joel accuses him of taking you from him

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, Reader admits to not wanting to be alive anymore in the last, Angst- Lots and lots of it in this chapter, Verbal fighting- lots of it , course language and lots of swearing, emotional, talks of anxiety, depression, Panic attacks, Neurodivergant reader. No use of y/n. Reader goes by the nickname Birdie. Use of typical pet names.

A/N: I hope you all love this new multi part journey I've been working on, I'm extremely proud of this story. I understand that this storyline/ themes aren't for everyone.

There is a possibility for a part 3 if everyone is interested that would be a look at Reader and Tommy's relationship and the love they have for each other and how they take care of each other following the events in this chapter so please let me know if you are interested in seeing that happen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your chest tightens, your thoughts dizzying as you try to comprehend what Tommy’s telling you.

“W-what?”

“He arrived today with some Firefly kid Marlene hired him to transport out here to some base. He immediately started asking about you, askin to see you.”

The look of panic in your eyes as you try to steady your breath has Tommy engulfing you in his warm embrace pulling you to his chest.

“I-I don’t think I’m ready to see him Tommy, I don’t think I can handle it”

“Sweet girl it’s ok, but I put him in his place, told him he had no right to demand to see you and that you had the right to decide. If you don’t want to see him you don’t have too, nobody’s gonna make you”

——————————————————————

Joels zoning out during dinner, they’ve been in Jackson for a couple of days, him and Ellie leave the day after tomorrow and he still hasn’t seen you much less heard anyone mention you. He’s starting to feel like you’re not here but that nobody wants to tell him. He’s pulled from his thoughts by Ellie’s constant chatter.

“Are you paying attention Joel?” Ellie teases

“Huh?”

“ I said I made a friend here at the stables?”

“Oh yea? The kids here do seem pretty nice”

“Not a kid dummy, an adult lady. She works at the stables and the barn”

“Ellie what did I tell you about bothering the people here?”

“I’m not bothering her, she’s really nice, pretty too. I’m not sure how old she, definitely not as old as you because you’re like ancient”

Joel chuckles at Ellie’s dig at him, but she doesn’t miss a beat.

“I met her the other day, I was trying to find somewhere quiet away from the other kids to eat and I ducked into the stables and she was there taking care of the horses and she said I could hang out in there. She’s been letting me help her feed the animals and talks with me. She keeps telling me I can come back and she teaches me more about the animals.”

“She sounds very nice, this mystery girl have a name?”

“Here’s the thing, she said her names Birdie, which i gotta admit at first I thought that was a friggen weird name but then she said everyone calls her that because of her love of animals which i think is pretty cool!”

Joel’s in shock, his mouth falls open when he hears your name, hears that you’re still going by that all these years later. Birdie was a nickname him and Tommy had given you before the outbreak because of you love of all animals. He’s able to snap his mouth closed before Ellie noticed his reaction.

“She has a radio in there and has these cassettes that my friend found when we were back at the QZ that she lets me listen too.”

“You should meet her, I bet you’d think she was pretty cool”

“Oh ah yea maybe, I’ll have to see if I can make it over there before we leave. I wouldn’t want to bother her.”

“Hey will you be alright here for a while? I gotta go talk to Tommy about some stuff before we depart”

“Oh yea sure, I’ll read more of those diaries I found in the bedroom”

Ellie hardly gets her answer out before Joel’s grabbing his jacket and racing out the door.

You’re already upstairs when you hear the frantic knocks at your front door.

You’re shutting off all the lights when you hear another frantic series of knocks before you hear him.

“Tommy you in there?” Joel’s muffled voice shouts through the door from the other side.

Tommy glances up the stairs to see you peeking downstairs from the darkness.

“What’s going on Joel? Everything alright?” Tommy asks as he opens the door.

Joel says nothing, just pushes past him into the house.

“Please Tommy just tell me where I can find her, we leave day after tomorrow and I just want to see her”

“Joel I don’t know what to tell you, I don’t think she wants to see you”

“Tommy please” Joel’s voice sounding more and more pained as they moved around the main floor of the house.

“Look I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it back from my journey. I ain’t what I used to be, I’m getting old, I’m slower than I used to be, I can’t think as quickly. Don’t hear so well out of my one ear. Im failing in my sleep Tommy, every morning when I wake up I feel like I’ve lost something. Please. If I’m gonna die I don’t want too of never seen her again.” Joel’s voice cracks as the tears start to well.

You’ve never heard Joel speak like that, with that kind of desperation and pain.

“I-it’s ok Tommy, I’ll talk to him” you say from partially down the stairs.

Joel stops, heart beat racing at the sound of your voice.

“She-she’s here?”

Tommy nods his head.

“Stay in here and let her come down on her own when she’s ready.”

Tommy heads up the stairs to meet you, he can tell by the way the dim light seeps into the stairway that your already crying.

“Ill be right up here if you need me sweet girl” Tommy whispers as he places a silent kiss on your forehead.

You wait a few beats before you slowly head down into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. Youre so quiet that it seems as though you’ve popped out of thin air when Joel looks up to see you sitting there eyes glued to the floor.

“Birdie?” Joels voice is just above a whisper, but you still hear it.

You pick your head up to look at him but quickly whip your head back down because the tears start as soon as you make eye contact with him.

Joel slowly makes his way to the couch, so quietly it’s as if he might scare you if he moves too quick. His work boots, the same boots he always had come into your life of vision.

“C-can I sit?”

You nod your head yes, still unable to get any words out.

“Birdie its-its so good to see you, I never thought I’d see you again”

“You too Joel” your voice is meek, your trying like hell to keep it together.

You can feel his gaze on you even though you’re not looking at him.

“I wish you would have told me you were leaving, we could have fixed things…. We can still fix things. I just don’t understand”

His emphasis on we can still fix things makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

“We couldn’t talk about things without getting into a screaming match Joel, how were we supposed to fix things?” You say finally letting your eyes meet his, tears rolling down your cheeks.

You flinch away when Joel reaches up to bush the tears away, but a couple of his fingers make contact, smoothing along the curve of your cheek.

“Sorry, force of habit” you mumble when you see his hurt expression at you flinching. Never in all your time with him had you ever flinched away from him.

“I just….I just don’t understand why you left.”

“You didn’t see my note?”

“I did I just….I would of done anything to figure things out. I would of done anything to take care of you”

“You say that now Joel but do you not remember telling me that night during our last fight that you should be taking care of Sarah instead of me, that for the Hundredth time you were upset that I was crying during our argument. Reminding me that I was too sensitive for the state of the world”

“I will never fuckin’ forgive myself for saying stuff like that in the heat of the moment that I never meant.”

“I know and take responsibility for the fact that I was a lot to deal with. I’m not trying to blame you solely for our issues. I know that i spiraled when the outbreak happened. Forcing me to cold turkey not to have therapy, to not have the schedule and consistency that I desperately needed to making it through life day to day. I know that my panic attacks, anxiety and dissociative tendencies where thrown at you all at once when you where trying to navigate the loss of Sarah.”

You pull your gaze back down to your feet before you continue.

“You have no idea how badly I wanted to of had the chance to show you those parts of myself slowly, in a different way. But our relationship was doomed from the start, we’d only been together six months When the outbreak happened. Nothing we could of done to fix anything, we just weren’t meant to be Joel and that’s ok.”

Joel scowls slightly at you. You didn’t mean for your words be be painful but they clearly stung him.

Joel sighs, rubbing his face with both of his callused hands.

“ I loved you. I hope you know that”

“That’s unbeknownst to me Joel”

“You can’t be serious”

“I’m not a fucking mind reader Joel. There are times when I thought you did. But we were together for years…years Joel and you never once told me you loved me. I told you everyday that I loved you. Hell I told you I loved you even on the days where all we did was fight and fuck. The only time I ever heard you say it was.” You stopped your self before you could finish your thought. You didn’t want to go there, to dig up all again.

You should of known Joel wasn’t going up give up so easily.

“The only time you heard it was when?” Joel pressed, eager to know what you had to say.

“ it doesn’t matter Joel, just drop it.”

“No I wanna hear it, I wanna figure this out”

“Please Joel just drop it, it’s not going to do anyone any good bringing all this up again. it doesn’t matter”

Joel sits back a little bit folding his arms over is chest. “ please just continue I want to hear it”

“ Fucking a Joel FINE, if you really want to hear it. The only time I ever heard you say I love you to anyone other than Sarah was the night I came home to see you buried deep inside Tess. Hearing you call her baby girl, telling her how much you loved her as you fucked her.”

You’re seething at this point. Burning so hot with anger that you feel like you could just burst into flames. Joel on the other hand looks like he’s just seen a ghost as all the color drains from his face.

“Oh my god…you-you saw that?”

“Of course I saw it Joel, I came home after being out all night looking for you to that”

“That’s why you were weren’t home? You were out looking for me after curfew? You shouldn’t have done that, those places are dangerous, you could of gotten hurt without me there to protect you”

“I shouldn’t of done that? No Joel you shouldn’t of fucked another women in our bed. I’m sorry that I risked myself to search all over the dark and seedy areas of the QZ for you because I was scared to death about the fedra guards catching you and beating the shit out of you when you were likely to drunk to defend yourself”

“I can’t keep having this conversation, it doesn’t matter Joel because in the end you both got what you wanted, Tess got you and you got someone you didn’t have to take care of”

You can feel the panic seeping in as your chest tightens and your heart races. Your desperately trying to breath deeply, trying to calm yourself as the panic spreads throughout your body. Joel notices your having a hard time and moves to wrap you in his arms, to try to comfort you the way he always should have.

“Ple-please don’t fucking touch me Joel, give me room to breath” you breath out as you snap your head up.

Tommy’s there before you in a flash. Running down the stair two to three steps at a time when he hears your breathy tone. The way your voice sounds when a panic attack is coming on, When he knows you need him without you having to express it.

Joel watches how good Tommy is with you with guilt and admiration. Seeing how Tommy’s able to help you through your episode, with the care that he himself should of shown you.

But those feelings are quickly replaced with red hot anger when he notices the matching rings you are both wearing when you bring your hands up to cup over Tommy’s hands as he cradles your face.

“Christ are you two fucking married!” Joel shouts, unable to hold it in.

Tommy feels you tense and whimper under his touch as Joel stands.

“We are, but now is not the time to discuss this” Tommy says in warning as he looks up at Joel, but his hands never leave you as he smooths his thumbs back and fourth on your cheeks to sooth you.

“This is why you stopped messaging me back isn’t it?”

“Enough Joel”

“It is isn’t it? Because you were ashamed to tell me, to admit that you took the one thing I had left away from me”

“Isn’t it?” Joel continues to press, seeing red and really unsure about what he’s even saying at this point.

You let out a strangled whimper, all the yelling and emotions overstimulating you, becoming to much to bare.

“It’s ok baby, don’t listen to him, just focus on my voice. I’ll protect you.. we can get through this” Tommy whispers as he rests his forehead against your head. He knew he wouldn’t take it well, and he was prepared to take all the verbal jabs, all the yelling and anger from Joel. He’s taken it before this time would be no different. All he cared about was shielding you, protecting you the best he could. It’s all he ever cared about was protecting you, keeping you safe. Tommy was terrified how damaging this was going to be for you.

“C’mon Tommy let me hear you say it! You never could stand me having something you didn’t.”

That what the final straw for Tommy.

“Fucking a Joel that’s enough, I said! You’re really going to do this in front of her even though you can tell she’s distressed.”

“I think she should hear it too, because I really have a hard time believing she just left without being persuaded”

Tommy’s standing now, facing Joel and directly in front of you as if he’s acting as a shield trying his hardest to protect you from the blow Joel is about to deal.

“What exactly are you tryin’ to get at Joel?”

“She wouldn’t just go off by herself, she was always by my side, to nervous to wonder around on her own much less leave the fucking QZ without me.”

“Funny, she might of never left you’re side but you ever think about all times you left her fucking side Joel?” Tommy snarls. Tommy feels you gripping his leg from behind him at the sound of him defending you.

“She was fucking fragile, always havin’ those episodes…”

“They’re not just fucking episodes Joel, they’re panic attacks” Tommy cuts Joel off, getting madder by the second. The fact that Joel is talking about you this way, insinuating what he’s insinuating.

“My point is she was fragile, she wasn’t of right mind, there’s no way she would of just decided to leave. You were around all the time, you knew she wasn’t ok and you used that to get her to leave”

Your squeezing tighter on Tommy’s leg.

“Enough Joel! This ends now. Do you even fucking hear yourself?

You let out a strangled guttural noise as you gripped Tommy’s leg to stand up on shaky legs.

Tommy turns giving you his full attention

“Baby it’s ok, dont push yourself. It’s not worth it”

“No I need to say something that he needs to hear” you say pulling away from Tommy, your piercing hazel eyes locked on Joel.

“ Your not the only one in pain Joel, your not the only one that’s hurting, that’s lost a loved one or experienced death. Did you ever even consider what it was like for Tommy to loose Sarah too? Or how going through the outbreak and doing some of the things we’ve all had to do to survive could have brought back horrific memories of his time in the military?”

Joel can’t do anything but stare back at you like a deer in head lights. So you take a deep breath and press on.

“The fact you would even think that Tommy would be capable of using my mental state to manipulate me into leaving you is low Joel, even for you. Like I can’t even fathom that you think he would do that to you and I. I’m going to make something very fucking clear to, I’m the one that asked him to join the fireflies. I’m the one that showed up at his door that early morning after seeing you and Tess because I needed to get away and I had no other options. Because if I’m being honest I wouldn’t have lived much longer if I stayed at the QZ.”

Joel arches his eyebrow in a concerned manner “wh-what do you mean you wouldn’t of lived much longer?”

Taking a ragged breath in as the tears begin to cascade down your cheeks you reply.

“I-I I didn’t want to live anymore. I was being suffocated by life, everyday the weight on my chest got heavier and heavier. Somedays it was nearly impossible to breath. I didn’t even feel like I was in my fucking body anymore. So i made the decision to leave on my own because I was fragile, because I didn’t want to die but I wouldn’t of survived feeling like that. To hear you admit you knew how fragile I was, how off I was is a special kind of hell thats going to take me along time to heal from.”

“Birdie…. It hurts me so much that I hurt you so badly” Joel moves forward to try to embrace you , to comfort you but you pull away from him.

“I always felt so small and weak compared to you. All I ever wanted was a fraction of the love and support I gave you in return. For someone to tell me it was ok, that I’d get through it. Just someone to fucking be there for me. The love between Tommy and I came slow. I agonized for 2 years about leaving, feeling selfish for not being there to care for you. But I had to think about taking care of myself.” You said before running up the stairs into the dark abyss of your room.

“ I hope your fucking happy with the damage you caused with what ever kind of point you were trying to make. I suggest you get the fuck out of this house before you cause anymore trauma for her, because I can guarantee you she will be reeling from this for a long time.”

“Tommy please I…”

“ I’m not messing around Joel get the fuck out. I need to go check on her and make sure she’s ok and I’m sure as hell not going to continue to fucking go there with you tonight” Tommy shouts as he slams the door.

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[fiamat12]

TAKE ON LN "CAPTURING THE MOMENT"

I don't think the problem is L taking pictures of 🐜. Imo, it's the optics of their group trips, esp. on the heels of his opulent world tour with N. Sure, live your life, L, but you aren't coming off as a top-tier celebrity, rather a frat boy on Spring Break with his bros filming Girls Gone Wild. And ok, he's been working since he was a teen so maybe he never got to experience that but he's also a multi millionaire so, I don't feel too sorry...

Also, L couldn't take his eyes off of N on the press tour, now seems keen to forget her? The idea he's keeping his hands to himself in pics to be considerate of N is not tracking. Lifeguard vibe or not, he lets his friends share his location, accommodations & trip reels freely. It seems to be a huge F you to N (again)... was the press tour so much of a ruse that he can't bother to be discreet or graceful in his current situation?

Cause really, the bohy put himself in this situation by not publicly claiming 🐜 long ago and letting Lukola happen. He could take a few tips from N, as I don't see her parading anyone around but herself and focusing on her work. Tbh, I hope JD is in her bed every night and nobody knows but them 😉

#villainedit #todayichoseviolence

P.S. Maybe N is just as accountable for enabling Lukola but what we don't know about her dating life doesn't hurt us. Should her foibles come to light, it's fair game...

#youhaveanxiety #youreinsecure #imafraud

[hualian-fic-recs]

I'm alive/Fanfic Asks

Hey sorry I've been silent for so long. To be completely honest, Hualian and tgcf aren't the only types of fanfic I read, so I go down rabbit holes with other pairings for a while.

Anyway, I've been sitting on some asks for a while hoping I could answer them one day, but alas. I am turning them over to the public to see if others can help!

@nostalgiatyrant asks:

Hi again 👋 Im looking for another fic, but this time, the description comes from a friend. They said that “after the altar scene wu ming takes care of xie lian as he heals. Xie lian is like traumatized and dazed mostly so wu ming is doing his best commanding weaker ghosts and etc” It was a tweet, in case you haven’t seen it, and tbh, I love this idea so much— if you find any fics like it at all Id love to read them

Maybe: For you, I'll become invincible by HanaSheralHaminail. 177k, M, WIP. all the spoilers

Maybe: no light, no light by NeithOfTheVeil. 11k, T, spoilers

Maybe: A Long and Slow Recovery by ardenrabbit. WIP

@sineofu asks:

Hello , can you recommend m some fics where the heavenly official realise that hua Cheng have returned or a fic timed after his return. Thank you

anonymous asks:

Is there any fanfics where like the puqi villagers think that they are single and something happens?

anonymous asks:

Can u tell me if there is any hualian Spiderman au fics?? I saw a few fanarts and fell in love with them.

@uwuchengsbab asks:

Do you know any fics where Hua Cheng prays to Xie Lian before his 3rd ascension (during those 800 years) and Xie Lian hears him? Something angsty with a happy ending? I’ve already read what faith provides by parsnipit and it kinda sounds like falling in love by FlowerCitti but was wondering if you knew more?

Maybe: Dearly Departed by IlluminatingSceadugenga. WIP

@bri-bri1222 asks:

I was wondering if there are any fice where HC and XL are in a DDLB relationship and just filled with cuteness and fluff.

anonymous asks:

There's this Hualian fanfic I've never been able to find no matter what. I don't know if the tags are obscure or what. But the premise is that Xie Lian is cursed or to relive his worst injury over and over again at random moments and therefore the Hundred Swords wounds opens on his body unexpectedly and suddenly. The story is very hurt/comfort between Hualian and Hua Chrng looks after him and heals him. A plot point is that it happens in front of Mu Qing/Feng Xin at a temple and they discover the truth about what happened and take Xie Lian to Hua Cheng. I beleve it's multi-chapter. Ling Wen and Jun Wu also make appearances.

Maybe: Old Wounds and Old Friends by HoundsofCerberus. 4k, T, all the spoilers

Similar: A Splinter in the Heart by theearlymorningmist. 14k, T, spoilers

@theladypeartree asks:

Hello!! This might be a tricky one as I'm not sure it exists! Have you or any of your followers found any fics that have A-Yuan and Guzi friendship? I've found many crossovers, but not with the kiddos! Thank you for your hard work! ❤

anonymous asks:

Big spoilers for the later novels in this one: Hey there, I was wondering if there was any fics in which Xie Lian goes through with calling down the human face plague on Yong'an. I can't recall finding any and I'm not sure how to start looking. Thanks!

he who walks in sorrow by atomic muffin. 7k, M, read warnings!

Ok these are some I have been searching around for and haven't found much yet. If anyone has recs I would be grateful!

[canonicallyobserving911]

Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 26 will be posted soon.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Currently 25 chapters completed: 973.1K Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

{Previous snippet linked here}

___________

I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 26 because at the end of Chapter 25, the Diaz family had just returned to the U.S. and after they made it home, Eddie checked his voice mail and there was a message from his cousin about an attempted delivery of a SpedEx package for Buck. Buck had no idea who it was from and he worried about it all weekend into the New Year.

They attended Maddie's and Chimney's New Year's Eve party which turned out to be an engagement party for them but they told their found family they got married while they were in Italy and that Buck adopted Chris on Christmas morning. Everyone questioned them regarding why the didn't tell anyone about their nuptials but they reassured them they're going to have a vow renewal ceremony in May of 2024 so they can all celebrate with them. But they didn't tell them they put a bid on a house in Italy and they aren't planning to until they believe the time is right.

On January 2nd, Buck accepted the package from the SpedEx delivery driver and after he opened it and viewed the contents, he collapsed and became unresponsive and unconscious right after Eddie entered the room.

___________

Here's another snippet from Chapter 26 and it's more of Eddie's 9-1-1 call with Linda.

___________

‍“Eddie!  Listen to me.  I know it’s hard but I need you to remain calm.  Are you listening?”

He is but right now, he’s focused on Buck’s angelic face and to him it looks like he’s sleeping but he knows he’s not.  As his mind starts to spiral, he thinks of all the years they have yet to live along with the plans they have set for their future.  They’re supposed to travel the globe together so they can walk on sandy beaches in Hawaii, travel to Alaska in the dead of winter while it’s 40 degrees below zero, take a ship to Antarctica so they can see the penguins and he hasn’t mentioned it yet but he wants them to go to Sydney, Australia.  He knows they have spiders so big they’ll make them leave but he believes as long as he’s there with his husband, they’ll be ok.

The panic in his chest tries to escape his lungs for the fourth maybe even the fifth time but he swallows and forces it to go away until he can deal with it sometime later.  When he realizes he’s been quiet too long, he replies, “Yes, I—I’m listening.”

“The 141 is still stuck on the interstate but I’ve dispatched another RA unit that’s closer and they’re in the adjoining subdivision.  Their hospital transport got cancelled and they just notified dispatch they’re on their way back to their station but I’m sending them to you.  You should hear the sirens any second.”

He nods even though she can’t see him, then replies, “Ok, but… please, please tell them to hur—ry.”

“They’re coming as fast as they can.  Stay on the line with me, ok?”

“Ok.” He responds as his mind spirals at 100 mph and it’s in a tug of war with his heart because his instincts are telling him it’ll be better for him to wait for the RA unit because the closest hospital is about 10 minutes away and since the I-110 is backed up on both sides, it’ll take him twice as long to drive there and it’ll be even longer if he has to take the streets.

“Eddie?”

“Hmm?”

“I need you to keep talking to me.  You said he’s unresponsive?”

“Yes!”

“Does he have history of a heart condition?”  She knows the answer but she has to ask him for the recorded line.  She was at work the night Buck got struck by lightning and even though she didn’t take the 9-1-1 call, the entire dispatch center was on full alert when Captain Nash explained they had a firefighter who had been struck and they were three minutes out from the nearest hospital.

“Yes, he—he was struck by lightning last year and he—he…”  He stops talking because he’s on the verge of hyperventilating and the panic lodged in his throat is attempting to claw its way out but he inhales a big gulp of air and breathes past it, then he continues.  “He died for—three minutes and seventeen seconds.  That’s how long his heart stop—ped… I know be—because I counted.”

“Don’t worry Eddie, the 128 is enroute and I’m being told by the paramedic on duty they just entered your subdivision.”

Eddie’s crying and he knows it but he doesn’t care.  He emphatically admits, “He… can’t—go… he’s my heart, my every—thing!”

Linda can hear the pain in Eddie’s voice and she wants so badly to be there for her friend.  So, she looks at Sue, who's listening in and gets the nod she was waiting for then says, “It’s ok Eddie.  Just listen to the sound of my voice.  Everything is going to be ok.  Can you hear me?”

“Yes—yes… I can year you.  How much lon—ger before they’ll get here?”  He asks through broken sobs.

“They should be there in less than one minute.  Do you hear the sirens?”

Can Eddie hear the sirens or is he too distraught? 👀

Will Buck make it to the hospital or will he leave Eddie all alone? 🥹

___________

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Read chapters 1-25 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

Chapter 26 will be posted soon.

[twig-tea]

PHEW, ok, now that I've compiled and read all the meta (everyone is amazing, I love all of you, thanks for the love back!) and slept on it, I feel like I have processed enough to gather some thoughts and make a prediction on ep12 [clown checkpoint at the end of this long post].

Pre-Prediction Groundwork i.e. what the heck are you thinking and why did this take you two days

First, I want to say, I still think the montage over the years was not off. The depiction of a happy couple that annoys one another, accommodates one another, is sometimes just happy to be in one another's presence and sometimes happy because of one another's presence, is a perfect summary of a long-term relationship to me. Some folks mentioned that it seemed like they were unfulfilled but as an introvert and a homebody I can tell you when I look back on time spent in relationships these are the moments I think about. Yes, I've gone and done fun things with significant others, but those moments aren't the ones that necessarily feel like they're about us. It's the moments doing nothing that feel like they really capture a relationship, to me. And @rebel0777 hinted at this in a post: sharing food has been the love language for this couple all along, so for it to have mostly focused on them sharing meals doesn't feel strange at all. Anyway I'm fully ready for the show to have a different message but reading everyone's thoughts didn't change my mind on this.

That being said, the thing that other people have said that has swayed me most is the idea that Pisaeng does have some things he left unsaid, and going back in time gives him a chance to say them (whether or not Kawi is fine in future). As mentioned in the roundup, @bengiyo and @incandescentflower get credit for their thoughts on this theory.

In a conversation with @pandasmagorica the potential for a time loop was raised; I laid out why I don't think the show will go that route here--writing this also helped me frame my thoughts around what the show is trying to say and where I expect it to go as a result.

One thing that I think Pisaeng hasn't really been called out for in this series yet is how dedicated he is to Kawi--maybe that's just romance tropes doing their thing, but this man really has been through it in the various timelines. He fought hard for that plushie, celebrated his confession-aversary for at least 8 years, continued to follow and support Kawi's career even when he removed himself from his presence to save him from gay rumours...Pisaeng may need to learn to not sacrifice for Kawi's sake.

The other thing that I've been thinking a lot about is why Kawi seems to have a sense that the amusement park date has already happened [based on the ep12 trailer], when in the other timelines nobody had that same feeling of deja vu, and the reason I came up with is: in all of the previous timelines, Kawi made significant changes to his behavior that rewrote the timeline so profoundly nothing in it was the same. He spent time with his dad; he befriended Pisaeng; he went on the departmental trip and confessed to Pear; he tried out for student council and joined a band; he convinced his dad to get surgery; he confessed to Pisaeng. Because of these major changes every time he goes back, we don't see Kawi relive any days from his original timeline (or any of the other timelines) except kind of the first one (and even that one has major differences).

However, to my mind Pisaeng must be terrified of doing anything differently, other than maybe put some things into words (as mentioned above) and/or staying away from Kawi entirely [and I highly doubt that could work since Kawi knows Pisaeng's tricks from the other timeline as per @zzh3], so if he tries to relive their date from the latest timeline, the events would be similar enough that there could be multi-verse/timeline bleed-over. [There are other potential explanations, and of course this is fully blown out of the water if I'm wrong and Pisaeng does decide to make major changes to the timeline, but this is the one that my brain kept chewing on].

This also made me realize that if I'm right and only Pisaeng's consciousness travels to the past, and if Pisaeng does not decide to make any major changes to the timeline, if Pisaeng stays in the past, it will not make Pisaeng and Kawi equal, but will instead give Pisaeng a huge knowledge advantage, because Pisaeng will have lived all of this once before; in the last timeline, in contrast, Kawi did not jump ahead to peek at his future before sticking with the timeline after making significant changes, so he didn't know what was going to happen (he just had the imbalance of knowing what could happen, which he did share with Pisaeng though it's not the same to live it as to hear about it). The only real way in which they would be equals is if Pisaeng jumps back to the future [so they will be equal in their time travel experience and opportunities to make change], or makes a significant enough change in the past that their lives will be completely different [so that both of them will be equal in their uncertainty]. This is not quite counter to, but is a wrinkle to the points made by @bengiyo, @grapejuicegay and @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle about relationship equality being achieved with Pisaeng time travelling, which at first really resonated with me and I think still hold true if they go one of the two routes I mentioned above. [And yes, I do think leaving things as they are would still put them on equal footing because choosing not to make a change is still a choice, and is still exerting power over their future that the other doesn't have.]

Speaking of this, thanks to a great conversation with @pandasmagorica and @thegalwhorants I went back and dug into the timeline of the series here, but TL;DR I think we could in theory have reached a few months before Kawi time travelled in the first timeline. That doesn't massively affect my prediction but I wanted to capture it because I do think it's relevant re: the balance between Kawi and Pisaeng; if Pisaeng goes to the future and I'm correct that this lines up closely to the point at which Kawi first travelled backwards in the original timeline, then in the current timeline both Kawi and Pisaeng will be at a truly equal point where neither has seen anything past where they are.

Shifting focus slightly, @grapejuicegay's thoughts about consciousness and the mechanism of time travel also made me wonder, if Pisaeng jumps back to the future [going to keep saying this because it continues to be funny to me], does the consciousness of the version of him who he took over from in the past go back to being the one in control? Is that why the Kawi of the past always seemed to stagnate whenever he jumped into the future, because the person left in Kawi's body had not had the character growth and life experiences that allowed him to make the changes in his life, so he was his former self living a slightly better life but without the personal growth to really take advantage of it? Essentially what I'm getting at here is, if Pisaeng doesn't make a change and does go back to the future, maybe the version of their relationship captured in the montage isn't lost after all, because they would make the same choices? [shout-out to the mourning of the montage by @ellaspore that got me thinking about whether it could be salvaged]

One last point I want to make: As much as it would be deeply satisfying to see Pisaeng and Kawi fight for their rights like @rocketturtle4 theorized, or going abroad so that they could get married like @marbles290 posited, or even working out a lavender wedding arrangement like @grapejuicegay suggested, I think the show already made points on these possibilities with Max and the changes to his choices, and so it would be repetitive to make it with Pisaeng and Kawi [I would not mind if the show did this, I just think this show has so much to say that it will take the opportunity to make a new point]. I think instead it's going to help Pisaeng learn the same lesson Kawi had to about time travel not being able to solve everything [hat tip @waitmyturtles], and needing to be brave and resilient enough to face the future without knowing what the future will bring, and reinforcing appreciating the time you have by being present in the present and not sacrificing your own happiness.

This show has set up so much that could happen, and this isn't the only ending I would be satisfied with by any stretch, but what I think would be most satisfying (at least for me, as I write this) would be if Pisaeng learns to accept that he can't fix everything and goes back to his future to live in the present, not knowing what the outcome will be. Also can I just say, it is really exciting to have multiple endings that I could be satisifed with?! I feel like that doesn't happen that often, at least for me.

Theory time!

So, all that being laid out, here's my Official Clown Theory about what happens in ep12 (adding lots of details so that there are a lots of opportunities to be wrong):

Pisaeng goes to the past and tries to play it cool; they re-live their first date and when Kawi notices something off, Pisaeng tells Kawi that he time travelled [this is based on the trailer so I'm not numbering it as a guess, though this show has done such a good job recontextualizing what we saw in the preview before so this could still be clowned]

Pisaeng is able to put into words what Kawi means to him

Kawi helps him come to terms with not being able to change everything the way Kawi had to come to terms with it too

[More because I want it than because I think it will happen but I'm writing it to manifest it] Pisaeng also talks to his mom while in the past to say hey, if you care about my future, help change the politics in Thailand rather than sending me abroad--giving his mom a chance to change with her kid like how Pear's dad said she should

Pisaeng jumps back to the future

We get the montage again and it looks almost exactly the same maybe just sped up, also maybe [because I've been good and deserve a treat] added bits about marriage equality moving forward?

Kawi recovers, and Kawi and Pisaeng are the ones married May 2027, at the beach [because almost all BL weddings are beach weddings, I don't make the rules]

Kawi tries to give Pisaeng the same speech Pisaeng gave him about if how he does die in future, Pisaeng should try to move on [credit to @tinycowboybro for thinking about the importance of this speech]

Pisaeng responds by reprising Unable [Gawin's OST which I have become recently obsessed with] or one of them performs a new OST we haven't heard yet? [GMMTV seems determined to milk having two protagonists who can sing]

Kawi and Pisaeng confirm neither knows what will happen from here but they'll face it together in the present [YAY]

Post-credit cut scene is Not being given the chance to go back in time by Time Travel Guy [this is still the funniest possible ending to me and I'm not going to stop speaking it into being until it's proven wrong]

Alright we'll see how many of these 10 guesses I get right on Friday. [You may have noticed I ditched the his-death-was-inevitable theorizing I did initially, even though my timeline deep dive does potentially support it, and it could still work with a lot of the above, but I just decided to go with what would make me happiest. I would still be satisfied if they do go that route or leave it ambiguous, as long as they lead up to it well.]

No matter how this goes, it has been an honour and a privilege digging into this show with all of you!

[That being said I realized I will be travelling on Friday and Saturday so depending on the train wi-fi, I may end up being late to the final episode].

cc. the other folks whose writing I was thinking about and have linked in the round-up post but didn't reference directly here: @telomeke; @benkaaoi; @jjsanguine; @stuffnonsenseandotherthings; @shortpplfedup; @williamrikers; @heretherebedork; @visualtaehyun; @knighthacker; @minorista; @neonsbian; @nemesis-21; @snidgetwrites no pressure to interact I just want to give you all credit becuase reading what everyone wrote has informed my thinking [though of course if you disagree with my conclusions, I am the only one to blame (and also I'd love to hear about it)!]

[satohqbanana]

How to Write Consistently

Or more specifically, what has allowed Satoh to progress far into her story despite having always struggled to write multi-chapter works? Please be advised that these things worked FOR ME, SatohQBanana. If you find that these tips aren't helpful for you, feel free to ignore it.

Also this is very long.

TIP NUMBER ONE: Brevity is the soul of wit, and this meeting could've been an email. It's OK to skip scenes - not the type of skipping where you put [insert action scene] here, but the kind where you can instead summarize what occurs. If you're going to build up a character to prepare for a fight, make it obvious that they'll win, and make them win the fight, then you can skip describing what happened in the fight.

TIP NUMBER TWO: Skipping scenes for the drafting stage? That's the devil speaking! You'll end up with a far worse issue of having to make the disjointed parts fit together like a puzzle. The past you is a different person from the current you - and you probably just need to rest your eyes and your mind for a bit, to figure out how to untangle that difficult scene.

TIP NUMBER THREE: Be prepared to kill your darlings. This is especially true if you are skipping to writing the scenes you just wanted to see play out. Doing them immediately is OK as a writing practice, but be warned that future you will find a way to ruin past you's work. Don't leave problems for the future you, who will have fallen in love with current you's work and might have to face the inevitable part of the editing process that is scrapping entire ideas.

TIP NUMBER FOUR: But if you close your eyes, you'll be able to move on. Not seeing much of what you've written can help you focus on what has not been written. Tricks such as changing font styles and font colors, saving your work chapter by chapter, and even taking photos of your work on the screen to prevent yourself from editing them are helpful. If you repeat writing the same part, that's fine. You can always edit something that exists, but you can't do anything with something that does not exist except think about it all day long!

TIP NUMBER FIVE: Rotate tasks like farmers rotate crops. It is scientifically proven that having a variety of activities in one's life leads to a healthier life. And by tasks, I don't mean WIPs. Do something nice IRL: visit a museum, go to the amusement park, study a new thing, and so on. Not only does this allow you to take a break from your creative projects, but this also helps you learn more about the world, widen your view, and increase your knowledge and wisdom that you are drawing from to write your stories.

TIP NUMBER SIX: Don't forget to lay the field fallow and take a break. It is also scientifically proven that rest reenergizes you between tasks, allowing you to do the next task very efficiently. By rest, I mean actual real rest, the kind where you sit or lie down, maybe doing some ruminating, but way away from any of your devices. You can even do activities that destress you - such as cleaning, or treating yourself to a nice meal, or reading a book. Sure, it isn't writing, but it is taking care of yourself as a writer, to make sure you don't overwork yourself into a corner and curse yourself into weeks or months of writer's block.

TIP NUMBER SEVEN: Change your mindset and establish a philosophy that will allow you to work with yourself, move around your flaws, and achieve your goals. If your current workflow isn't allowing you to write well, you gotta acknowledge that and move on to a different strategy. Be open to the notion of being wrong and be open to new ideas that will challenge your current beliefs - in fact, those might help you untangle your ideas as well!

TIP NUMBER EIGHT: Hold yourself accountable. If you must use pomodoro timers or write-by-word-count apps, do it! If you must schedule your writing sessions because you have a condition or circumstance that demands it, do it! If you must have someone waiting on you so you can get motivated to have that draft done by the end of this month, do it! Be responsible - you are the author of your work, and no one else is going to write it for you.

TIP NUMBER NINE: Do it, and do it scared! JUST DO IT! If you're having doubts, you must remember: new and uncertain things are scary, but you won't know about them for real if you keep pulling yourself away from them. Growing and accumulating rich experience takes a bit of courage and doing a lot of things you don't know is right or wrong for you. But what's important is that you try, and you do. (And you have to try to finish what you set out to do, so you can have a better idea of whether the new thing is good for you or not!)

TIP NUMBER TEN: Connect with your story truly, madly, deeply. I would advise against trying to write a big idea just because it's got really nice vibes. I need you to feel your story in your soul, and have its core themes resonate with your beliefs. Just as you are your first critic, you are also your first fan. Not only will this help you love your story even as you shape it into something else, but this will help you keep in mind its essence, even as you develop it. If multiple artists can make changes to a character's design and have others recognize the character anyway, then so can you with your story!

[pandi-ponders]

Random thought I had about Old Moon

Ok let's say in the scenario that Ruin can't be redeemed, it's almost definite they're gonna kill him off, right? Then not to mention Old Moon is in a comatose state inside Moon right now.

Part of me wants to believe the Ruin's reveal and Old Moon being confirmed to still be alive isn't a coincidence.

What if it had been Old Moon who handled Ruin? Ruin would probably be dead. Why?

Old Moon was never known for mercy...

There was a problem and you were at the center of it? Good luck buddy, because you have seen the last of your days. Old Moon knew how to pin down a problem and handle it. There was no hesitation, no sympathy. He did what he had to to protect those he cared for.

So what about now? With Moon being so much kinder than his older counterpart? Instead of straight up killing Ruin, they tried to install an anti-virus (and supposedly it saved him). He took Ruin under his wing and even being accused by Eclipse and investigated, Moon still found himself having sympathy for him.

But now that Ruin isn't who he portrayed himself to be? All the cards are out of Moon's hands. He's been blindsided and doesn't know where to start. His kindness has been taken advantage of. And in his eyes, that is unspeakable. He let someone close to his family, someone who could've possibly hurt them.

So what if he now has to turn to more... drastic measures?

Ruin has taken any bit of mercy he's offered and played the innocent act. And mercy can only go so far with Moon. We've all seen how Moon has been worn down, bit by bit. I mean, he's now more willing to listen to Eclipse of all people! He's on his last straw! And with him asking Monty what the Old Moon was like, what if he's getting curious? What if he's realizing that he's going to need a new perspective?

A perspective the Old Moon can provide?

Killing Eclipse was different as to Ruin. Eclipse played the villain from the start. His role was set in stone and when Moon was reset, it was obvious what role Eclipse was going to play in his life. He said so himself "I woke up and you were my purpose!" From the start, Moon knew Eclipse had to go. But Ruin? Ruin hasn't necessarily hurt them after October, his motives aren't clear yet. Ruin has even said he doesn't plan to hurt them.

But is a multi-dimensional collapse worth the safety of his family? Is it worth angering Ruin to save a multiverse? Is it worth standing aside and letting it play out?

The Old Moon was always seen as smarter, maybe he can lend a little wisdom...

[hpowellsmith]

Hello there! I've been wanting to replay the older Baldur's Gate games, and was searching around for mlm NPC romance mods. I saw yours mentioned and found your site with some googling, but it seems the place they were hosted at is gone now (Spellhold Studios). I was wondering if you still have the mods available somewhere? Either way, I hope you have a great day!

OK, this has made go down a modding-community rabbit hole! I hadn't done anything with our Baldur's Gate 2 mods, or looked at them really, since 2015 and I really appreciate it because they're something that brought my wife and I a ton of joy, and they were the first interactive narratives I made.

Links, descriptions, and comments below because it is Long:

I got in touch with folks on the Gibberlings3 forum which is, wonderfully, still going strong, and have given permission for Faren and Nathaniel to be uploaded to the Spellhold Studios GitHub (which has a bunch of other mods too - do check out Adrian, Isra, and Ninde in particular!) to the team maintaining it. That may be a little while as some of the team are ill right now, but once I hear that it's done, I'll post about it here; I've also been pointed to some links where the mods were mirrored. Note that I haven't tested these myself on a current BG2 install, but it is easy to uninstall WeiDU mods if there's a problem.

Faren is a bisexual True Neutral fighter/thief (I can't remember if he's dual-classed or multi-classed) who's easygoing, down-to-earth, and up for partying, with a bit of a checkered past - his adventuring party died in one of the dungeons you can visit in BG2, and since then he's been picking up dodgy jobs, feeling a bit adrift, and trying to get his life back on track. That's where the PC comes in! You can befriend him or romance him (starting with either a casual or more committed tone, then committing further if you want to), and he has a personal quest in which a shady figure from his past wants him to do one last job. He was our third mod, and we'd developed our skills with writing and scope a lot by then. When I play BG2, I play with Faren! You can currently download Faren here. It's the version updated in 2015 with more banters with modded NPCs and the Enhanced Edition characters; there may be compatibility issues installing it with other newer mods but do give it a try.

I found The Luxley Family, which was our second mod, on the GitHub here. From a cursory (rusty) glance it looks like it should be compatible with Enhanced Edition, but the storyline is only for Shadows of Amn and doesn't continue into Throne of Bhaal. Sebastian and Andrei (Chaotic Neutral bard with a custom kit and Lawful Neutral monk respectively) are members of a mysterious, reclusive family who are under a curse. Sebastian's a worldly playwright who's showing his polite but moody teenage cousin Andrei the sights when they bump into the PC. They aren't romanceable, but you can have a fling with Sebastian, who's bisexual, if you let/help him mess up his life sufficiently.

Nathaniel is a Lawful Good gay fighter with a lot of feelings. He was our first mod and I am really proud of the impact he had on a lot of people and even other games back in the day, but if you play, go in expecting a LOT of feelings good and bad, relationship drama, and angst! (There's something very sad about the fact that as teens we could not imagine a D&D setting without homophobia back then; the idea of a knightly order thinking well of gay people just didn't cross our minds. it's extraordinary how much better a lot of things are now, including the queerness in D&D streams, books, and of course Baldur's Gate 3. Interestingly, we didn't include homophobia in the Luxley Family or Faren and I don't remember how conscious that was; maybe we'd become more hopeful by then.) You can download an outdated version of Nathaniel here but I don't think it will be compatible with Enhanced Edition.

Thank you so much for messaging! I didn't realise they weren't able to be downloaded anymore and I am really keen for digital art to be preserved (as well as players getting to smooch hot guys, of course).

(Digression - my wife and I have a couple of almost-finished mods on our computer: a lesbian cleric of Talos which she wrote, and a bi Valygar romance that I wrote. And, if it's among two computers' ago worth of external hard drive storage, the ending for the Luxley Family story. Who knows, maybe one day...)

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Expense, recast rant, grown-ass people behaving badly

‘Legit dolls are too expensive.’ I call BS, there are plenty of nice lower price dolls that everyone welcomes within this hobby. Most people also have a lot of respect and admiration for hobby skills and are happy to see cute dolls regardless of the cost of the base doll. Yes, it may take you a long damn time to save for a more expensive type or to have the collection of multiple dolls that you may crave but you can either wait and save or get a less expensive starter doll in the meantime and both are ok. Everyone plays at their level in life. I bought a house and a car that are reasonable for my income, I don’t make myself miserable always chasing something more because that’s a never-ending battle, there’s always something better, something more. I budget my extra money in a way that makes sense for my lifestyle, neither over-spending nor being a miser. I have established a reasonable savings and investment plan because I know unplanned expenses can be devastating and because it’s very satisfying to invest and watch my money earn more money. But all of that is just normal adulting stuff so my big point here is that it’s questionable that anyone but a younger teen wouldn’t have learned all of this too and behave accordingly - buying the legit dolls that are within their means also. So that’s why I’m really surprised to see grown-ass people acting crazy over insisting that they are entitled to these bootleg dolls and that others are big meanies for saying ‘Hey, don’t post those here, don’t bring those in - they aren’t part of our hobby.’ Do they also think they can bring their fake Gucci bag to the luxury handbag forum, their rowboat to the yacht club and their KIA to the BMW road trip meets? Usually not, they know better, right?.

Many people are always going to have more dolls, more expensive or rare dolls, more traveling time and money to attend doll events and meets, maybe more stuff for their dolls, possibly more room and a better camera too, the list goes on. But if they are buying within their budget, then that’s the right level of spending for them. Mine is going to be different, maybe a lot more than some people but probably always far less than others so comparisons aren't really even useful. If something doesn’t fit my budget or my life, I need to work around it. Not try to unfairly game the system (buying cheap recasts so my collection is bigger and seems better) or take unethical shortcuts (cheating doll artists out of their fair earnings because I want their thing but won’t actually pay them for it so I go pay for a cheap stolen copy). That’s just bad and wrong thinking. 

And yet here we are, still dealing with having to push back on people who buy recast dolls after all this time. It hasn’t blown over or gotten any better. The hobby at large needs to take a better ‘no bootlegs’ stance and actually condemn this behavior. There’s no real neutral, the jury is in, recasts are a blight on the hobby, they make legit prices go up, drive hobby artists out of business or into a mode of releasing in a more limited and controllable way. The issue itself creates division among the members so if you tolerate them, if you were one who thought you could remain neutral, you see how they have now bloomed up like weeds into a multi-million dollar business for just one recast company, right? That overshadows almost all of the legit companies but maybe Volks and probably tops over the income of all the solo western bjd artists combined. This will only become worse if we continue to tolerate the recasts, as the western economy heads into recession, as doll artists continue to quit, restrict their production, raise their prices. 

It’s also a giant social pain in the ass. Friend gets a recast? Either the friendship is now fucked if you stand your ground and actively uphold your pro-artist only values or now you are called on to compromise those values, become recast neutral and to not criticize their doll, to be tolerant of their bootleg choice, and that’s both in your friendship and also within your hobby space. And of course they will talk about it because you are doll friends, right? So now a recast shares time and takes up space within your shared hobby. And since it’s now fine to have one, your friend will probably collect more (you notice they rarely stop at one, right?) and now the friend may attract another friend or 2 who may also have a shared recast sculpt, you get the picture. But most people are ‘too nice to say no’, and so that’s how they end up sliding down into a group full of recast owners if they don’t take a real pro-artist stand. Even worse if you are an artist yourself and you keep silent, if you don’t speak up and advocate for your fellow artists. We’ve even seen other artists buying recasts now. What level of diseased thinking is that? Bad enough to have these little bands of thieves lurking in their bootleg groups but when another artist joins in, that’s some next level ish.

Ok, I’m done. If you are legit-only, what’s your response to your doll friend buying a recast. Has it happened to you? 

~Anonymous

[coveredinmetaldust]

I am fully willing to admit that there are some legitimate uses for LLMs, (henceforth refereed to as "AI" to avoid confusion) but there is a certain kind of cognitive dissonance, naked hypocrisy, and performative hand-wringing that seems to be part and parcel for the vocal group of core believers of this technology on places like Reddit and Twitter.

For whatever reason, there seems to be a rather large overlap between the crowd that evangelizes "AI", and the crowd of corporate bootlickers who will wag their finger at you and go "a company has to protect its IP!" whenever a multi-billion dollar corporation responds to a perceived copyright infringement with a grossly disproportionate level of duress.

These people will shout "It's the law! Don't do the crime if you can't do the time!" but then immediately turn around and berate any artist who makes the mistake of suggesting that these laws should apply to everyone.

This particular phylum of AI cheerleader loves to tell artists to "get a real job", while at the same time shaming them for having the audacity to charge money for their labor. Because in their mind, everything artists create and post on the internet should be free and is "fair game", but anything corporations post is protected within our current legal framework.

They see no problem with the fact that corporations are using petabytes of artwork for profit with impunity, but the moment you use even 1 microsecond of a piece of media these same corporations own in a video that you post online, their copyright bots will hunt it down and expunge it--or a legal team will send you a DMCA takedown and potentially nuke your account.

They will be more than happy to lecture you about how capitalism is the best system ever, and explain in great detail all of its benefits and how it works--but the moment an artist finds monetary success by engaging with that system, suddenly that's not ok. No, when artists engage in capitalism they aren't "contributing" anything to society based on an arbitrary framework that only applies to artists.

Yet, many of these same people will worship the ground that businessmen like Jack Welsh and billionaires like Elon Musk walk on, because they figured out how to make an ungodly amount of money by exploiting this system--even though they did this in ways that make everyone's lives objectively worse. No, for some reason it's immoral to charge money for your art, but it's both morally sound and smart to leverage our legal system to shake people down, parasitically suck the life out of small and large businesses alike, treat wall street like a casino, tank the economy, and then cry to your government sugardaddy to bail you out when your gambling debts come due. (All so you can do it again.)

Ok, so maybe artists just need to be more proactive and protect their work so this doesn't happen. Well, apparently that's not ok either! Because when artists tried fighting fire with fire by employing Nightshade, the conversation suddenly shifted to how artists are immoral for "creating malware."

I'm sure most of you probably know about Nightshade at this point--but for those unaware, you can kinda think of it as a filter that artists can apply to images before they post them online. To vastly oversimplify what this accomplishes: when an image that has the Nightshade "filter" is scraped by someone and fed into their generative AI program, this image will ruin the dataset that the program spits out.

What's important to know is that this does not affect the host computer in any way, shape, or form beyond a non-essential, third-party program, that the user willingly installed on their system and fed data they gathered from the internet into, outputting a file that the user finds sub-optimal compared to what is normally generated. If the nightshaded image is omitted from the training data, there is no ill effect on the model or host computer--regardless of whether or not the nightshade affected image exists on the internet or somewhere in their hard drive.

How effective this process actually is in the real world has been debated, with many in the AI scene boasting that it's completely ineffectual--but that doesn't matter as far as the narrative is concerned. Many have chosen to interpret this act as artists "creating malware", because the Nightshade'd image that the AI practitioner willingly scraped and fed into a program negatively affected a function on their computer--which is about the same logic as robbing a bank, then getting mad that the bank ruined your clothing because a dye-pack hidden within the bundle of cash you stole exploded and got blue dye everywhere. (Or maybe a more accurate analogy would be posting an AMV you spent a long time editing together to YouTube only to have it immediately deleted by a copyright bot because it's sadly not 2006 anymore. idk.)

Regardless, I find this hilarious coming from a crowd that usually has such a massive hard-on for "personal responsibility." I mean, these are the kinds of people who would see a topic on Reddit where someone is complaining that got injured because a burrito they bought was filled with caltrops, and their immediate reaction would be to reply with something like "this is your own fault, everyone knows you're supposed to eat around the jagged shards of metal."

But no. Instead the lengths some of these people have gone to twist themselves into knots to demonize nightshade could only be viewed as satire in a sane world. But we live in the hell world, so I cannot tell you how many of these losers I've seen unironically clutch at pearls while wailing "WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?" because there is a chance their AI model could get corrupted after they scraped 1tb of porn from Deviantart without checking what they actually fed into their system.

Or worse: they will turn the onus back on the artist and say they are the one causing environmental damage--because the person stealing their art now has to remake their model and expend electricity.

Well, more electricity than they are already consuming on AI models. Which, by their own admission, is enough to make their energy bills skyrocket.

This is is like Dupont saying "All of you people protesting in front of our factory ruined productivity for today. You actually caused more environmental damage than us, because we had our machines running all day but no one was able to work. The world is more polluted now because you don't want us to further damage the environment. We may dump literal tons of chemicals into the water supply on an hourly basis, but the markers you used to make those signs you're holding were created using technology that pollutes as well--so I guess that makes you all huge hypocrites hmmmmm?."

But wait, it gets worse! If you read the two screenshot directly above carefully, you may have noticed that some of these people go so far as to believe that they are entitled to everything you create, and anything short of your full consent is tantamount to stealing THEIR property.

Because that's really what this is all about: when you strip away all their moralizing and semantics, you're left with people who view artists as nothing more than an annoying barrier between what they think should rightfully belong to them.

I'm just going to say the quiet part out loud:

These people absolutely fucking hate that there are people out there who are good at art. They are mad that there are people who put the time and effort into improving a skill-set, and got good at it as a result. That's not me putting words in their mouths, they have explicitly said as much time and time again--to the point where it has become a core part of their belief system and mythology.

(This wasn't directed at me, but I know their theory is bullshit because I do know how to weld, and I can't draw for shit. Also, knowing how to weld has never stopped me from being insufferable on the internet.)

They try to make themselves the victims by setting up this narrative that artists have a "monopoly on creativity." They make a big deal about how unfair it is that someone can be technically competent at formal compositions through years of hard work. (Which, is funny, because some of these same people were railing against Le SJWs for being so-called "Professional Victims" in the mid to late 2010s.)

It's not hard to understand why they need to dress this up like it is some kind of righteous crusade that flattens an oppressive hierarchy, because their objective reality is a lot more pathetic.

They know this, so they will gleefully tell artists they can't wait for AI-art to "replace" them in however many years. They will smugly tell artists, right to their face, that nothing they have ever created has any value--all while feeding that artist's work into an engine so they can copy their style.

They will spew all kinds of inflammatory, hateful bile like this at creatives, spit in their face by scraping their work after explicitly being asked not to, and then have the fucking nerve to act like they have the moral high-ground when there is any pushback from artists.

Because to them, creatives are just malcontents who don't know their place.

Many of these people like to present themselves as an austere nonpartisan with a rigid code of ethics; someone who will solve problems through objective logic and rational debate. But when you look past their attempts at self-mythologizing it becomes very clear that these people don't want to have a "civil debate"--they want to maintain a farcical moral high-ground while they stab you in the throat and then twist the knife. (Then complain about how you got blood all over their nice shirt.)

Now, I'm fluent in both "pretentious art-speak" as well as "toxic terminally online forum user", so let me speak to these AI art bros directly in a language they will understand:

This is copium so potent that it's considered a controlled substance in most states. How about you fucking casuals try getting gud instead of getting buttmad and running to social media so you can bawww about needing an easy-mode?

FFS this isn't complicated, but you drooling idiots will just sit there and stare at your monitors with the wide-eyed bewilderment of a dog that just saw a magic trick any time someone suggests you pick up a pencil.

Don't worry though, I hear Kotaku is hiring. You should ask ChatGPT to write you a resume and email it to them, because you suck at art just about as much as their writers suck at video games.

Now go back to your subreddit hugbox and circlejerk about how logical and civil you are compared to those mean artists who hurt your feelings. I'm sure all those heckin updooterinos and wholesome affirmations will make you feel like you didn't just waste thousands of dollars on a new computer for the express purpose of generating anime waifus who look like they tried to high-five a disc sander.

tl;dr:

[ltwharfy]

OK ONE MORE,

“The Spy Who Was Roommates With Me!” 😎😎😎

That's the story I didn't write for the AU/Roommates prompt for Roudise Week! It just seemed like it would've been too involved to finish in time- it will probably have to be a multi-chapter thing. (which I've never written before) But I can't totally forget about it.

It's a very silly James Bond parody in the style of the three-story episodes of the show. In terms of Bond films it would be very much in the style of the campy, over the top Roger Moore films (hence the title's nod to 1977's "The Spy Who Loved Me"). So, basically it's a bit of a send up of some already goofy source material.

The weird thing is when coming up with "Bob's Burgers" analogues for the stock Bond characters, there really aren't any natural roles for the other Belcher family members, as part of Bond's whole deal is that is an orphan.

The characters as I envisioned them: Louise is the secret agent, Rudy is the scientist love interest, Calvin Fischoeder is the Villain (I mean, he looks the part...), Felix is his second in commend (of course), Logan and the Acne Covered Kittens are his hired henchmen, Ms. Labonz is M, Darryl is Q.

Basically, the story would begin with some sort of exciting stunt sequence where Louise rescues Rudy from Logan and company. Then there would be a briefing where Ms. Labonz explains to Louise that she has to protect Rudy and investigate who hired Logan to kidnap him. So Louise and Rudy have to go undercover...as roommates.

I do hope I write this. It will probably require rewatching the Roger Moore Bond movies for the first time since I was in high school (and likely recognizing dozens of exciting new problematic things about them!) But, honestly, even writing this little description of it to you here made me laugh and smile on a day where I wasn't in a great mood. So maybe that's a sign there is some value in working on the story?

Thanks for the ask!

[yangxiaolongstan]

ok on my previous blog i did a few posts about fixing the things i didn't like about Fallout 4. not because i hate it but because i love it and want a better version. this time, weapon and armor tweaks.

first off, the problem children: power armor and heavy weapons. the real issues are that power armor is too all purpose and easy to access, and heavy weapons are too niche and situational. the minigun is practically useless after you kill the deathclaw in concord because you will never have enough ammo for it. on the other hand the power armor you pick up in the same quest is way too strong and there's absolutely no reason to ever not use it. if you know what you're doing you're not likely to run out of fusion cores past the super early game and there's no skill locking it off. the fix for power armor is super simple, reintroduce the idea that you need special training to use power armor and reduce the number of fusion cores in the world substantially. this will gate power armor off and make it a mostly late game item that you need to be careful with. the minigun should have somewhat higher damage, slightly lower fire rate, and also should not be present in concord at the start. maybe replace it and the power armor with a grenade launcher and some nice combat armor in a locked chest in the airship or something like that. and make them optional to the quest of saving the Minutemen. most of the explosive heavy weapons are pretty good but it's weird that there's no grenade launchers or anything like that. the gatling laser is fine if a bit op but i think there should also be other heavy energy weapons like tesla canons and plasma casters to complement it. the fat man is ridiculously strong but given that it takes either cheats, an absurd number of caps, or a long time to get one it's fine. the junk jet is great and i will hear no arguments.

for unarmed weapons there needs to be a greater variety and more to separate them than just damage. maybe damage type can vary more. the deathclaw gauntlet is super under powered compared to the powerfist so amp its damage and maybe give it a dangerous bleed effect. and let the player either incorporate unarmed weapons into their power armor or use them while wearing it.

energy weapons need their rifles and pistols separated at minimum. why can i turn a tiny laser pistol into a huge sniper rifle? the institute models should be sleeker and less boxy. don't let them take up a third of the screen. they should be as powerful as the standard laser weapons plus an effect unique to institute weapons, maybe they drain power armor or shut down robots with enough shots. and institute plasma weapons should probably reduce armor condition more than standard plasma. gamma guns are great as is.

speaking of armor condition, bring back equipment durability. it's such a good mechanic and it would fit great with Fallout 4's expanded crafting system.

single piece armors need to be stronger to match the multi piece sets. particularly for faction soldiers. it's absurd that coursers have worse armor than the gen 1s they fight with. Combat armor and Synth armor need more to differentiate themselves and Synth armor needs a complete redesign to not look like absolute shit (except the helmets, those kick ass) the Marine armor also doesn't look great and it's way way too heavy to be useful but it's very effective and could be good with a slight redesign so it didn't clip like crazy and slightly lower weight.

for melee weapons the fast swing speed group needs a significant expansion and a damage boost so they aren't completely irrelevant, the medium needs to have at least 1 proper energy blade, the slow is mostly ok but my god why the hell can you just make a rocket sledge? it makes the standard super sledge completely redundant. more variety in legendary effects too. they'll have their own section but for now, it's weird that pickman's blade is just a weaker throatslicer, Kremv's tooth looks awesome but the effect is terrible, Atom's judgement on the other hand is just incredible 10/10 no notes.

for guns, i want a better variety and a larger ammo variety. i don't necessarily have a problem with rifles using .45 ammo but it's weird that it's so common whereas the only pistols that use it are pipe weapons. maybe the combat rifle could use 5.56 or 5mm instead and we could have a combat pistol that used .45. combat pistols could have a similar skin to the deliverer only larger and silver instead of black. in fact, make the deliverer one of these. the hunting rifle needs a damage boost to function as the game's go to ballistic sniper, and should start off with a stock. the shotguns are really good but there should be 20 and 12 gauge versions. ive never been able to make myself give a single fuck about the assault rifle but it definitely needs a different model and some way to differentiate itself. maybe slightly higher rate of fire than the combat rifle but slightly lower damage and it automatically comes with a reflex sight like New Vegas' marksman carbine. i think giving it a model similar to the radium rifle would be good, but without all the weird extra bits slapped on. that way we can tell the radium rifle was made by altering the assault rifle. the handmade rifle needs a new name but otherwise i like it, especially the fact that depending on how good you are with bashing, automatic weapons, and non auto rifles you get different upgrades.

finally legendary weapons and armor. not gonna sugarcoat it, these SUCK. ive played over 2,600 hours of Fallout 4 and ive found maybe 4 good random legendaries across all my playthroughs. and all 4 were completely broken. most legendary effects are either borderline useless like ghoul slayers or exterminators, or absolutely absurd like explosive, instigating, and 2 shot. and even the best effects are entirely dependent on the weapon you find them on. explosive and never ending are probably the best examples. explosive turns an otherwise terrible weapon like the submachine gun into an alright weapon like the spray and pray, a great weapon like the radium rifle into a fantastic one with the kiloton radium rifle, and a pretty good weapon like the combat shotgun into a completely game breaking meat grinder. it's way too powerful. Never Ending is the opposite problem, with one glaring exception. for most weapons, Never Ending just makes you never have to reload. this is ok for early low capacity weapons like the double barreled shotgun, but completely useless on anything with a decent clip size or high damage, which is literally everything after the super early game, and on one weapon in particular it's completely broken. because of a weird glitch Never Ending gives the Gatling laser *literally infinite ammo* and since the gatling laser is already one of the most potentially powerful weapons in the game, this combination is also completely game breaking. I'll be honest, I don't really know how to fix legendaries, other than to remove the glitches and make at least some of them removable and craftable.

[ronearoundblindly]

Bestie, you’re really giving such wise sage vibes lately. Like, everything’s feeling so profound and it pairs well with the new blog theme

(I feel like I’m giving you a little token “here, a nicety. For your hoard” and it reminds me of that scene from princess diaries where they’re like “a chicken. For your table.”) ok anyways hiiii byeeee

I COULDN'T FIND A GIF OF TINY!!! (that's what they called him, right? Huge blond dude? He was great. Had the *heaviest* accent in a land speaking english lol. Excellent movie. Top marks!)

This was the closest I found, but I didn't try Tumblr's gif search because lol why try in that hellhole (moderately affectionate but truly disdainful)??

*unbelievably bizarre rant about how perfect this reference became below the cut, but tldr; thank you for your nicety!

Yes, 'tis always a time of great reflection for me--right around my birthday--and I'm happy it hasn't turned people off to the fun of fanfic. I just really enjoy complex thinking. I enjoy building multi-faceted characters and storylines. I enjoy when things don't go the way you expected (IN FIC). Stuff like that makes our brains work harder to see and understand the real world around us.

I don't like the idea that I'm 'making excuses' for bad behavior, but I'm also concerned by how many logical and self-preserving actions we take offense to when we aren't the person benefitting. There's absolutely douchey folks out in the world, selfish people who dngaf about you or your feelings, but remember even those you love can't have all of you and your energy all of the time. Maybe that feels like selfishness to them in those moments? Doesn't mean it wasn't right for you and possibly best for them as well.

How can you be your authentic self if you don't give yourself any time to be?

I have the luxury of being a very patient person. It's perhaps the single most-helpful trait I possess (which also makes me sit a very long time on nice comments such as, well, most of yours 😘), and I've grown fond of the idea that my patience has led to understanding that imperfect moments, inarticulate speeches, and misinterpretations can be unifying, clarifying, and informative.

Just don't chase the chicken! Watch it roam. Laugh at the absurdity. Remember to conserve your energy for pursuits worth your time. But of course, thank Tiny for his offering. A chicken for your table was a logical gift from him. He did not bring it to shit in your throne room.

Give yourself as much grace as you give others. Reflect on your actions as much as you do everyone else's. Then give yourself space, as much space as you can for as long as possible, until you see all the facets. You won't right away; you won't even see how your own brain works for a while.

Live imperfect moments. Give inarticulate speeches. Misinterpret and be misinterpreted.

You are offering a chicken for the table, and sometimes, they get loose and cause chaos. Sometimes, with your best intentions and all your logic, your offering to the world will shit in the throne room. It's okay. It happens to all of us.

Thank you for being you, Essie!

[facetsofthecloset]

you should absolutely talk about monsterfucking more 👀

💦 what should i talk about 👀💦

ok, something tame to start with is my personal definition of "monster" in "monsterfucking"--i don't count a lot of the most common humanoids.

vampires, werewolves, demons if all they've got are horns and a tail, that style of thing. not to say those aren't hot (if you have dracula/nosferatu inspired vampires in your media my chances of checking it out go up by 95%), but they're not Monsters they're Human+ in my mind

(more specifics under the cut. also if you don't wanna see this kind of thing from me in future block the tag facetsnsfw)

if we're talking monsterfucking, then i need slime and body horror. like a zombie might count if it's really terribly mangled/mutated/not just a green person, but it's also not my favorite thing.

so my top three personally preferred monster types would proooobably be:

-worm/worm adjacent. slime necessary, fangs/horrifying radula mouth a plus but not required

-multi-limbed ambiguous amalgamate. fleshy or shadow/fog with extra eyes/teeth/tentacles/etc, both variants good

-general insectoid. the first types that come to mind are fly-inspired but honestly any insect-inspired monster is pretty good. not a guarantee that i'll want to fuck it but i always appreciate it on a monster design level!

...

(gotta say though, mandibles around the throat is a...pretty good look. which i don't see much, actually, but maybe i'm not looking in the right places lol)