#maybe she wants to hang out. who CARES i dont need to be strung along whatever!!!

[munamania]

ok so today was wonky i will truly never know what’s going on inside her head i think but i want an excuse to ramble about friday <333 and to prove to myself and god that im not totally crazy. and also like beth beautifully said that i deserve to fight her to the death at some point tbh

-she was jennifer check. right. and she looked soooooo good AGH like she was in this tiny little jacket.. my brain completely malfunctioned for the first like twenty minutes we were together.. thank god i managed to say words. also she wore my jeans for the night <3

-she gave me a room tour and it was just the sweetest ;-; was introduced to stuffed animals and random little trinkets and ughghhh

-she got so excited i brought her snacks it was silly goofy <33

-for some reason on our tipsy walk she went on about how i deserve someone really nice and how im a really ‘swag’ person and i was just kinda like ahh haha shucks man whatever. thankfully this got cut off by us arriving at our friend’s place

-i dont remember what i was saying but she said ‘i think you need to be more sure of yourself’ and i was like ‘oh really are you so sure of yourself?’ and she was like ‘ayo i may not know who i wanna fuck...’ and i dont remember how that finished cause i was like. yk

-she tried to say something at one point and i was like Huh and leaned forward a bit and she spoke right against my ear/neck and. first of all aagghghghghhghfhdjghsdfjghsdfjghsdfg and i just didn’t pull back much. and neither did she. so we were talking like almost pressed against each other for a while. and then she was like touching my back introducing me to people. this has been on repeat in the noggin. we were drunk but it is so so clear to me

-‘oh my god, you need to watch twilight’ ‘invite me over then’ girl you didn’t have to say that with your whole pussy.

-she was very drunk and i was maybe slightly less and we took forever to decide if we were gonna go home or to our other friend’s place and she just kept saying my name and i was just guiding her atp and she ultimately just wanted to go home and watch tv w me... or whatever lol

-she made me grilled cheese <3 and put on a show. and i think invited me to continuous trivia date nights with boyfriend im choosing to ignore that rn idk if she remembers that

-i woke up in her clothes so we rlly said tradesies that night

[spideymarvelws]

Always But Not Forever

Mob!Tom Holland x Reader

Main Masterlist / Add Yourself To My TagList

Summary : During the interrogation of a mole, Tom learns something

A/n : I want to write something for the holidays but i dont do fluff (unless its requested) so here’s a angsty mob!au instead

Warnings : Torchere, blood, violence, cursing, illusion do death, fluff if you squint (dont worry it doesnt last long), mention of injuries, mention of manipulation, implied death?

Word Count : 1.7k

...

“You know, I almost admire the audacity you must’ve had to pull off something like this,” Tom chuckled, rolling up the sleeves of his white button up, “To betray us, to betray me,”

The pads of his fingers passed over the array of equipment laid out on the table in front of him, teasing the handles of guns, knives and other various torchere devices. Usually, he would just grab his trusty blade from the holder on his belt, slicing the person's throat to watch them bleed out on the chair, coughing and pleading for their life.

But this was a special occasion, one he wanted to drag on for as long as possible. He wanted to hear her screams fill the room, echoing its way around the warehouse. He wanted the floor to be soaked in her blood, dripping from her skin. He wanted to watch her life drain from her eyes slowly and painfully.

But first, he needed to get answers.

“So,” he said slowly, “Are you going to tell me why? Or do I have to force out out of you,”

The woman only chuckled, her eyes hooded as she stared him straight in the eye, “I think we both know the answer to that Tommy,”

“Don’t fucking call me that,” he growled, striding up and grabbing her throat with enough force to lean the chair back, not caring if it were to fall and break on the hard, concrete floor.

“Aww, what’s wrong?” she fake pouted, “I thought you loved the name? Or is it only reserved for your whore of a wife,”

“You really want to die don’t you,” Tom chuckled darkly, bending down to look her directly in the eyes, face inches apart, “You’re on thin fucking ice,”

“And I want to shatter it,” she sneered, leaning her own face forward as much as she could with the restraints tied around her, “Just like I did your best pals heart,”

Tom felt his chest tighten at the mention of Harrison. He would never blame the blond for what happened, because despite the guilt he held, he knew that it wasn't his fault. He blamed himself for getting his friend in the hospital on his deathbed. Well maybe not that drastic, Harrison was a hard fucker to get rid of, he knew that no matter what he would hang on  but it felt like he had already lost him.

He couldn't get the images out of his head, the flashes of red, screams pounding in his ear. But the sight of her standing above his best friend, gun in hand, ready to fire. The thought alone made his go feral.

And he hated that, he hated that she knew how to get under his skin so easily. After getting so close, to not just him but his close family, his friends, to you. He could already picture the hurt that would spread across your face when he would tell you. You both valued close bonds with people, building that relationship to something reliable, something worth trusting.

So when that trust was broken, all hell broke loose.

“I’m sure you’ll do just a fine job at that,” he muttered, standing back straight up, “And the moment you do I’ll put a bullet between your eyes,”

“Oh we both know you couldn't do that Tommy,” she smirked, “Not when I have so much valuable information that you so desperately need,”

Tom chuckled, picking up a syringe filled with a light blue liquid. His fingers flicked the cover before taking it fully off, revealing the needle to the open air, “Yeah, we’ll see about that,” he turned back around to face her, his face void of emotion, “Gag her,”

Him and his men had spent the next, god knows how long trying countless methods and tactics they always used to get people like her to talk. But nothing worked, even after repeatedly taking out the gag, waiting for the answers they had been searching for, she didn't budge.

She stayed completely stoic.

Tom tried his best to keep calm, unbuttoning the top of his shirt when his breath became restraint with the added pressure to around his neck

“It wouldn't matter anyways,” she sniffed, finally calming down while spitting out a wad of blood from her mouth, “I’ve already gotten what I wanted,”

“What the fuck is that suppose too mean,” Tom said exasperatedly.

“It means-,” she interrupted herself while trying to stop the sick laughter threatening to erupt from her throat, “I never thought you cared so much about me Tommy, to spend so long with me when-,” she tilted her head to the side, “You have a wife at home don’t you?”

Tom felt his heart stop, “What did you do?”

“Might want to check that little wifey of yours Tommy,” she cackled, blood splattering from her mouth, staining the collar of her shirt and the floor in front of her, “Who knows how much time she might have left!”

“WHAT! The fuck! Did you do!” He screamed, clutching her bloody shirt in his fists, not caring if some of the liquid transferred to his already red hands.

“You left me alone, with Y/n, for months,” she giggled, “What do you think I did?”

“If you hurt her-,”

“You’ve already done your worst to me Holland,” the grin settling on her face became unsettling, “Now it’s my turn to watch you suffer,”

Tom didn't want to question her further. He didn't want his temper to take over the little control he tried to maintain over his mind. With a short gruff he pulled away from the woman, walking over to one of his men stationed by the door of the warehouse.

“Break her legs and take her to the hut, prepare the call and get Dr brown on the phone and tell Sam to get to Y/n as soon as possible,” he whispered under his breath, “Take me back home to my wife,”

...

“Good Girl,” you yawned, lazily scratching the top of Tessa’s head. It had been a chill day for you in the mansion, lounging around in your husband's clothes while you decorated your section of the building, preparing for the holidays. Tom insisted on getting decorators, knowing how clumsy you were, he didn't want you to hurt yourself. At least that’s the excuse he told you, you knew it was because he didn't want you doing any work on your holidays. 

Nevertheless, you were proud of the work you’ve done, the lights strung along your bedroom walls illuminating the room, making your placement by the window feel more cozy than usual. And with the addition of the cutest dog and a mug of ginger tea, staring out into the snowy garden never felt more calming. The only thing that would make this better is to be cuddled with your personal teddy bear, but your prayers were answered when he called unexpectedly.

“Hi Tommy,” you answered sweetly, gulping down a good bit of the tea,“What’s wrong? I thought you were busy with work?”

“Y/n?” Tom said seriously, a hard edge to his voice you never heard when he talked directly to you, “Y/n, you need to listen to me right now, okay?”

“Okay,” you sat up, throwing your blanket off your lap, “Okay, yeah,” you learnt not to question things like these with Tom’s line of work.

“Where are you right now?” you could hear the click of his shoes hitting the floor in the background, the sound of the vehicle's engines vroomed to life.

“I’m in our bedroom, with Tessa,” you answered quickly, squinting your eyes when you watched her body bounce away when your hand retracted from her fur, “Well just me now,” 

“You’re going to need to go to the medic bay, Doctor Brown will be there and he’ll explain everything,” a car door slammed shut, “Sam is coming to escort you, just,” he let out a deep breath, “Are you alright?”

You melted at the crack in his voice, clearing your throat before answering him, “I’m fine Tommy, never felt better,”

“Are you sure love?” he whispered, his voice losing its harsh tone, falling back to the soft, breathy one you grow to love.

“I’m-,” you moved away from the phone, coughing into your sleeve, “Sorry, uh, yeah I’m fine Tom,”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re okay to me,”

“I-,” you coughed again, this time more violently that the last, “It’s just a cough, probably from that food truck we went out to last night,” you forced a chuckle, trying to keep the air as light hearted as possible.

“A cough? When did this start,” Tom said urgently.

“Uh, this morning i think?” you sniffled, shuffling around to find a tissue box for your sudden runny nose, “I’m sure it’s just a bug Tommy,”

“Y/n, Is Sam there yet?”

“I didn’t hear him no,” your coughing continued, “Do you want me to go outside to check?”

“No, no, stay until he comes, I don’t want you going by yourself,”

Tom’s words began to blur when you took note of the red sploshing your white hoodie. You ran to the bathroom, cursing at the blood trailing from your nose, staining the bottom half of your face.

Your raging coughs continued, splattering droplets across the marble counter

“Love? Are you still there?” Tom said panicked, “Sam said he’s moving as quick as he can,”

“Tommy,” you whimpered, your hand clutching your chest in pain, “I-,” you braced yourself against the counter, feeling weaker and weaker, “Tommy, I don’t-,”you grabbed at your closing throat, “I don’t feel so good,” 

“Love? Y/n?” Tom said frantically, “Hey, hey, hey, listen to me, Sam is almost there, I’m so close to our house, hang in there okay?” he debated his next words, “You’ve been poisoned okay? You’ve been poisoned and if you get the help in time you will get better, just,” his voice hitched, “Please don’t go,”

Your throat burned as your breath started to become short, hiccupy wheezes. Blood began to drip from your nose and mouth onto the tiled floor. You could feel your chest tighten, your heart physically hurting until you couldn't take in any longer.

“Tom-my?” you managed to let out before collapsing on the floor, the shouts of your name echoing in the back of your ear before blackness covered your eyesight, followed by a bright, white light.

...

Permanent TagList : @jadegill​ @joyleenl​ @sarcastic-sunset-7​

[sevendeadlysins-imagines]

Request: Moonlit Lakeside

Prompt: oh man, i would love to request an estarossa angst x reader ;__; maybe something like the reader still thinks estarossa likes someone else (i dont wanna spoil in case you're not caught up to the manga) and the reader sees him and her together and misunderstands their relationship. but in the end, estarossa confesses to the reader and its just really fluffy? (anon!)

Note: I am not caught up with the manga (just finished the Vaizel Fight Festival Arc) but I do know what happens later with Estarossa. This obviously has SPOILERS. In which Estarossa sometimes hangs around the Boar’s Hat and is friendly with Merlin (ooc). Also, the reader is a Druid but it’s not terribly important to the plot, just another fun fact!

Word Count: ~3K

Warnings: Fluff, heavy angst, slightly ooc, MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS

You watched from the comfort of your window, the moonlight illuminating the scene in front of you. You watched as Elizabeth and Estarossa sat in the meadow. He leaned towards her, and you fought to ignore the twisting of your gut. Estarossa’s hand went up to brush through his hair as he looked at Elizabeth and chuckled.

He was still clearly enamoured with her.

Who could blame him, though? Elizabeth was a princess and beautiful and helpful and just a wonderful being to be in the presence of. If Elizabeth managed to captivate Meliodas and charm her way into the Seven Deadly Sins’ lives, well, of course she would end up with Estarossa. They were together before, too!

Why would Estarossa stoop to your level? You, a simple Druid. He had his own problems, sure, but he was still a beautiful person. He craved the care that Elizabeth had, but damn it, you wanted to!

Estarossa barely even noticed you, only seeing you if you were with Merlin while working on spells. He would occasionally stop by and chat about past gossip with Merlin, and you were there, too. The two of them were close, but the fight with Escanor caused a slight rift in their friendship, with Escanor wanting to keep Merlin safe, and Estarossa claiming he wouldn’t hurt her, and Merlin complaining that she doesn’t need to be saved. Over time, his visits were less and less often, but you always thought of him. Merlin was actually the one who knew about your feelings for him.

Why would he notice you, of all people? You, an awkward bean of a Druid, couldn’t hope to catch his affections. You daydreamed about it all the time. Cuddling with him on your bed, his hand playing with your hair absentmindedly, your own drawing swirls on his broad chest. Or just spending time with him. Learning all about him, his past, his hopes and desires. You wanted, no, needed, to learn everything about him. You wanted to be the last thought on his mind before he sleeps, the first thought in the morning.

Not Elizabeth. It tore you from the inside, watching them be so close together in the moonlight. You knew you didn’t deserve him, and that he deserved the princess. Still, you were greedy.

You watched as Elizabeth grabbed his hand, holding it tightly and bringing it to her heart. It felt as if someone punched you in the gut. Before you could see any more, you shut the curtains and blew out your candle, huffing and burrowing under the blankets as you let your tears fall and your sobs echo in the empty room.

A few days later, you sat at the bar, doodling on a piece of parchment. It wasn’t supposed to be anything, but as you continued to ink the paper, you noticed that it started to look like the demon mark, much like the one on Estarossa’s forehead.

“(Y/N)!” You heard someone shout, and you scrambled to hide the parchment away from sight. Suddenly, Meliodas hopped onto the barstool next to yours, smiling widely. Winking, he added, “Listen, I have a favor for you. It’ll get you out of here for a day.”

How did he know? You were dying to have an excuse to leave the Boar’s Hat to clear your head.

“What do you need?” You sighed. You saw Meliodas take the parchment from you and look at the demon mark. His face turned serious as his eyes met yours.

“It’s my brother’s, isn’t it?” Meliodas asked. You nodded. “He doesn’t know, either, does he?”

“He’s blinded by Elizabeth. He won’t even spare a glance at me,” You smiled through the pain. “I mean, who came blame him? She’s everyone’s dream girl.”

Meliodas nodded in understanding. He, too, was captured in Elizabeth’s beauty and grace.

“Anyways, what’s the favor?” You diverted the subject quickly. You didn’t want to talk to his brother about your romantic issues.

“Could you go to the market and get everything on this list? Some is for the tavern, some is for Escanor and Merlin, I believe. They didn’t want to go out, so I’m told,” Meliodas explained. You took the list from his hand, and scanned it over.

Gee, this would take the entire day to get everything.

“I’ll get it. I’ll be back later tonight!” You replied, grabbing some coins and setting off on your own adventure. This will clear your mind.

You enjoyed going to the towns that you visited and talking to the people there, learning about their lives and ways of living. You bought the food Meliodas requested and walked along the markets, a basket swinging at your side.

You entered a cafe and settled on an iced coffee. As you waited for the drink, you looked around the store. There were a few people there, a figure in the corner with a cloak, a couple with a newborn baby, a group of girls swooning over the barista. You looked at the empty tables, noticing the navy blue flowers as centerpieces on the tables. They’re the same color as Estarossa’s jacket.

Sighing, you took your drink from the counter and sat down, the basket resting on the table. You opened up Meliodas’ list and started crossing off the items you already bought. It was good for distracting yourself from your thoughts.

For some reason, you couldn’t stop thinking about Estarossa. His face, his laugh, the way he held himself...it was the way a man who had lost everything and was trying to achieve some sort of peace again.

You looked out the window and watched as all these people walked along the street, smiling under the bright sun. It was heartwarming to see all the happy humans gathered and enjoying life.

Estarossa couldn’t love you, he already had Elizabeth. She’s better than him anyways. She’s a Goddess, and you’re just a Druid when it comes down to it. She’ll have him, and you won’t. Face it, (Y/N).

Your mind continued to torment your heart the more you thought about him. You wished that you were good enough for him. But as long as he was happy, you should be, too. Right?

The inner conflict left you lost. You felt a tear run down your face, and left it stranded on your cheek.

A hand touched your shoulder. Jolting up, you looked up and met the eyes of Gilthunder. You smiled sadly, halfheartedly wiping the tear from your face.

“(Y/N)? Can I sit with you?” He asked.

“Of course, Gil.” You gestured towards the other seat around the table, and watched as he sat down, placing a hot latte on the surface. He exhaled and rubbed his forehead with his hand before looking at you, really looking at you.

“What happened? You look lost,” He said. Suddenly, you felt ridiculous. You were about to vent to Gilthunder, who was in a relationship with Margaret, who was Elizabeth’s sister. You should’ve refrained because it might’ve created a rift between him and his girlfriend or something, but you needed to get everything off your chest.

“I really, really, really, like Estarossa. I know, he killed Meliodas and he’s your idol and all, but I can’t help it. I’m always thinking about him and I see him in everything. I saw silver rocks on my way here and I was reminded of his hair. I heard a man’s laugh and thought it was him. I don’t know what to do, Gil! He doesn’t even notice me, and why would he?” You started, but got cut off by Gilthunder.

“What do you mean, he doesn’t notice you?” Gil questioned.

“Well, he would always stop by Merlin’s research lab and I was there, but he never acknowledged me there! He didn’t even look at me! Or even now, he’s so strung on Elizabeth! I know you’re in love with her sister, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to! Merlin is gone and Meliodas is clueless!”

Gil looks at your eyes intently, and then lets out a hearty laugh. The tips of your ears flushed pink, Why is he laughing?!

“(Y/N), you’re joking, right?” Gil chortled. You grabbed your drink and held it close to you, cradling it in defense.

“I’m dead serious!”

“Merlin and Estarossa barely know each other! He bribed her to act like they’re friends so that he could be in your presence!” Gil blurted out.

“How do you know that?” You questioned, a glimmer of hope shining in your eyes. What if he really does care for you, and actually notices you? You were over the moon with just that.

“I was drinking with Griamore and Escanor and Ban. Ban was asking about the fight Escanor had with Estarossa and he told all of us. He told us about the fight and about this one time Merlin came to him and just talked about everything. She told Escanor how he had given her some sort of rare Demon artifact or something in exchange for her acting like they were close friends. Escanor had asked why Estarossa wanted to act like friends, and Merlin figured out it was because she was the closest out of anyone to you. She noted that he also stayed at the Boar’s Hat often as a customer, and only when you were there.” Gilthunder explained to you. You couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Estarossa trying to become close to you.

“But then why would he not talk to me, if he wanted to be so close to me that he went through Merlin?” You thought out loud.

“I have no idea. I wish I knew.” Gil sighed, drinking his latte. You both sat in a comfortable silence while you pondered your thoughts.

“Hey Gil?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think he still loves Elizabeth? I-I always see them together and I know they had a past and all, but I thought she went to Meliodas? Do you know anything about that? Has Princess Margaret said anything about that?” You blurted out word vomit, essentially. You had to know what was really going on between Elizabeth and Estarossa, before you gained too much hope.

“I really don’t know. Margaret doesn’t try to get involved. I know Meliodas is in love with her from the bottom of heart, uh, hearts. I can’t speak for Estarossa. I don’t know much about him, but what I do know is that he has funny ways of showing affections. I’ve noticed that, at least,” Gil surmised. In that moment, he looked just like Zaratras. You smiled softly at the thought of Gil’s father, who helped raise you.

“I have to get going. Howzer’s probably looking for me now. I’ll meet you back at the Boar’s Hat tonight, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you later, Gil.”

“Good. Oh, and (Y/N)?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t let this weigh you down too much. You’ve got such a great life and shouldn’t worry about it too much.”

Gil’s words haunted you as you strolled around the town again, chatting with strangers and buying the things Merlin requested. As you paid for a set of lion eyes for her, your mind drifted towards Gil’s conversation with you.

Why would Estarossa want to spend time with you? Why would he bribe Merlin?

You thanked the merchant and continued on, crossing off the last thing from the list. Well then, I guess it’s time to return.

You didn’t want to return, though. You didn’t want to see Meliodas watching you with the pitiful look, or Estarossa drooling over Elizabeth, or Elizabeth acting all cool about everything. You wanted to run away, far away, and never return.

So maybe that’s why you took a detour in the woods and sat down in the moss in front of a lake. The sun was setting, allowing for the moon to shine soon. You watched as the light danced and waltzed along the ripples of the water created by the birds that touched that water. You tucked your knees under your chin and wrapped your arms around your legs, finally at peace. You pushed out all the thoughts you had from today and allowed yourself to be in tune with the nature surrounding you.

Eventually, it turned into nighttime. Hearing the crickets chirping and fireflies dancing around you made you want to stay in this place forever. The moss was so soft and inviting, and you didn’t have to worry about anything here.

“(Y/N), there you are!” You heard a deep voice break the sounds of nature, and your trance with it. You blinked and looked over your shoulder.

There he was. His jacket was fully opened, his broad chest put on display. He probably just got off of training or something. He’s not trying to impress me. Why would he, anyways? I’m nothing to him.

“You were looking for me?” You asked, head tilting to the side. He chuckled nervously, his hand going behind his head to scratch there.

“Uh, yeah. Meliodas had said you’d return by sundown, that you were going to town. You never came back, so I...I left to look for you,” Estarossa avoided looking at you. It was weird to see him nervous. He was always to confident and strong; seeing this new side made your heart wrench because he was Elizabeth’s.

“I didn’t realize you knew I was even gone,” You sighed, looking back up at the stars. He walked over to you and sat close to you, propping himself up on his elbows. You didn’t notice him watching your face, trying to memorize the details because he never got to be this close to you.

“Of course I did.”

“Really? Why would you even care if I left? You never talk to me or even acknowledge me, anyways,” You were sad again, painfully reminding yourself about how often he would ignore you for Elizabeth.

“What would I say? We’re not similar people by any standards. I figured you hated me and were keeping your distance, anyways, after killing Meliodas and fighting Escanor and your friends.” Estarossa admitted. You kept looking out at the water, trying to decipher his words.

“Yes, we’re different people, on all standards. You’re one of the Ten Commandments, and an Archangel. Me, I’m just some Druid who wandered too far away.” You stated, twiddling your thumbs in your hands. Estarossa suddenly felt a strong urge to take your hands in his, and he did. It took you by surprise, elicited a tiny gasp from the back of your throat, but you continued on. “But, I never hated you. I never disliked you, either. I couldn’t understand why you never acknowledged me, and what I had done wrong.”

His thumb smoothed over the back of your hand, and you both looked down at your interlocked hands.

“You never did anything wrong, (Y/N). It was always me who did wrong, and I always will. That’s the way I was created. I never do anything right.” Estarossa sighed, wallowing in his own self-pity. Your gazes locked as he claimed, “You’re perfect, and I knew I could never be even close to you.”

He thought you were perfect?!

“But what about Elizabeth? You’re hers.” You looked down at your intertwined hands.

For a minute, Estarossa was silent. You knew he was going to say something along the lines of ‘Haha, this was all a prank Elizabeth and I thought of. Gotcha!’

Instead, he pulled one of his hands away from yours and cupped your chin with his fingers. Delicately, he held your chin so that you had to look at him.

“I had asked her how to impress you. I wanted to ask Merlin, but after the fight with Escanor, Merlin didn’t want to help anymore than she already was. So, I had to ask Elizabeth. She told me how people enjoy close contact and hand holding. It’s been too long, I suppose, since I’ve done any of this. I didn’t want you to feel bad or anything for me.” He explained, looking at you for a response.

“That’s really sweet of you, Esta.” He beamed at the nickname you gave him. “So, you don’t have feelings for her anymore?”

“I haven’t for a long time. Besides, she’s happy with Meliodas. I can’t come in between that even if I did have feelings for her. I’ve liked you for a long time, (Y/N).” Estarossa admitted, a small smile gracing his lips.

“Really?” You thought it was almost too good to be true.

Estarossa didn’t answer you, instead responded by pressing his lips to yours. It was a sweet, chaste kiss that lasted for a little while. Still, it was enough to make both of you breathless and smiling at each other like idiots.

Merlin knew it was long past when you should have returned to the Boar’s Hat. She decided to find out where you were; after all, she was worried (but Merlin would never admit it).

She looked into a magical mirror to find you. A wave of relief washed over her when she saw you laying in the meadow by a lake. You were smiling ear to ear as you looked up from Estarossa’s chest to his face, and kissed him again. She heard the sweet nothing you both whispered, and was elated to eventually find you cuddling and sleeping with his arms around you, dreaming peacefully.

“Success!” Merlin cheered, off to find Escanor.

[artificialqueens]

Alaska's Christmas Extravaganza ~ Hobnob

AN: You know, i love this time of year but people seem to really miss the true meaning of Christmas. I felt obliged to put it into context for the lovely folks at home. Lets have a look at some reviews shall we?

“The spelling was ok.”- Daily Mail

“There was a good attempt there.” -The Sunday Times

“I think i need to watch the show before getting any of this sweetie.” -My Mum

I hope Shangela reads this and finds the strength to win AS3~ Hobnob

–The scene sets in a small living room, adorned with various Christmas ornaments strung up around the mantlepiece. A crackling log fire fills the air with a certain smell akin to the time of year, and occasionally spits the odd ember onto the beige carpeted floor. An artificial tree in the far corner emits a low hum as it partially lights the dim room. Three individuals inhabit the area, sitting on a rather worn looking sofa whilst watching BBC news in ugly Christmas sweaters.–

Jinkx: Alaska you little shit.

Alaska: Hiee.

Jinkx: The nextdoor neighbours said you smothered their Christmas tree in faeces and ate their dog.

Alaska: (Gnawing at a bone) I can’t help it. Christmas is shit.

Jinkx: (Getting up and turning the telly off) You’re gonna have to go get it together before we go to my nans Christmas party on Saturday.

Alaska: If you make me go i’ll set her milky eyes on fire!

Jinkx: Jesus christ Alaska thats messed up.

Alaska: Yeah well you’re jewish. You don’t even celebrate Christmas.

Alaska: Christmas can suck my wang!!

Roxxxy: (Speaking up with a mouth full of mince pies #thickandjuicy) Sounds like you need…the spirit of Christmas.

Alaska: The spirit of Christmas?

Roxxxy: Didn’t you know? Legend says Shangela has the ability to grant unlimited holiday cheer with a single holy halleloo.

Alaska: Gay.

Roxxxy: (Sobbing, but continuing to eat) Its not gay Alaska!

Roxxxy: And you’d better find your Christmas cheer before Jinkxseses nans party.

Alaska: I don’t see it for me but ok.

Jinkx: I won’t have you ruining it like last year.

Alaska: Wasn’t that bad.

Roxxxy: You killed 5 salvation army workers with a decorative star.

Alaska: And I’d do it again!!!

Alaska: I couldn’t care less about that party. I don’t care for Christmas. Tiny Tim can contract ebola!!

Roxxxy: (Checking her casio sports watch) I’m late for the bus guys gtg. Bingo is in half an hour.

Alaska: Hmmmm…the spirit of Christmassssss🤔🤔🐍sssounds gay…

–Alaska gets up and walks to the window. The snowfall isn’t all that heavy as small flakes are illuminated by a street lamp with lewd drawings carved into the side. She could drive around to find the Shangela, except she owned a BMW, and rear wheel drive is shit in winter so she’d probably crash into some schoolboys on their way home.–

Alaska: Jinkx i need a lift.

Jinkx: I can’t, my cars in the shop.

Jinkx: you keyed the entirety of Aja’s Valentina speech on it last week.

–A shadowy figure in a Santa hat approaches the window and taps the glass with a skeletal finger.–

Ru: It’s me, God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: It’s me, Rupaul!

Alaska: Rupaul? I thought Miss Fame set you on fire for eating meat?

Ru: (Neck rolling) My body is an illusion chiilde. My existence is merely a string of conscious decisions ive made prior to this mortal realm.

Alaska: Party.

Alaska: Please mawma. Help me find Shangela so I won’t be a cunt to my loved ones all the time.

Ru: Well…i suppose I’m all out of queens to block on twitter…

Ru: Aight lets make this quick, i have a bingo game in half an hour.

–They both get in Rupauls Toyota Camry and speed off whilst remaining under the speed limit. Road safety is important at this time of year as 70% of road collisions occur at Christmas.–

Alaska: (Shedding her skin) Where the bloody hell would Shangela be?

Ru: In todays maxi challenge, we’ll be traveling to the happiest place on earth!

Alaska: Lapland?

Ru: Close.

Ru: Scotland!

Alaska: Oh.

Alaska: (Hissing at the radio) Change the station rupaul this is making my ears bleed.

Ru: Oh? But this is the latest hit off my smashing Christmas album, ‘The beggining of the realness glamazonian peanut walk-the rumix.’

Alaska: Well turn it off. Its upsetting Jinkxes nan.

–The pair of them turn around to see Jinkxes nan having a Christmas seizure.–

Ru: If you don’t like it Alaska, get out. I don’t have to put up with tomfuckery. I’m God!

Ru: Wait.

Ru: No yes thats right.

–Alaska ejects the CD and throws it outside at a schoolboy. She takes a CD from her bra and pops it in as one of her many compelling songs begins to play.–

Alaska: Anus now available at your closest pound world.

Ru: Get out.

–Alaska is thrown out the car into a pile of snow.–

Alaska: Fuck you Rupaul you saggy bastard!!

Ru: See you at all stars 17 lad.

Ru: (Neck rolling) Oh you…forgot this.

–Rupaul throws Jinkxes nan into the pile of snow and speeds off.– Alaska: Shit.

–Alaska spots a warm glow in the distance. On further inspection it’s a humble pub. She approaches it, stepping over Jinkxes nan along the way. Once inside she spots a booth of old geezers.–

Alaska: Mrs. Kasha Davis? Tempest Dujour? Why you here?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Us old folk have a hard time finding a place to stay during winter, and you know what they say!

Alaska: There’s always time for a cocktail?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: No. Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Tearing up) I have no grasp of my drinking problem and I’m sadder than I’ve ever been help me please.

Alaska: Lol hiee.

Tempest: Your aura is jacked. What’s troubling you?

Alaska: I need to find Shangela. Legend says a single halleloo can light a soul on fire with Christma-

Tempest: Dont talk to me about legend you lanky shit. I invented that story.

Tempest: Besides, that’s just a myth i created.

Alaska: But why Tempest?

Tempest: To get those kids off my danm lawn!

Charlie: (Raising her pint) Here here!

Alaska: Then that means…I’m doomed to hate Christmas forever…

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yeah looks like it.

Alaska: I think I’ll go watch the Sherlock Christmas special.

Alaska: Thanks for literally nothing.

–Alaska hangs her head and pushes a pint glass off the table sadly :( She begins to exit the pub.–

Charlie: Wait!!! You have passed the test.

Alaska: (Turning back around) Pardon?

Charlie: Most people prefer the Doctor Who Christmas special, but the Sherlock Christmas special is far superior. You have passed the test.

–The seniors huddle together and whisper amongst themselves before turning back to Alaska.–

Tempest: Shangela is in fact real.

Tempest: We were only goofing you before because you’re sort of a dick.

Alaska: So Shangela is in the happiest place on earth Scotland?

Mrs. Kasha Davis: (Guffawing) Dont be silly.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Scotland doesn’t exist. Shangela lives in Sheffield, up in the block of flats behind Lidl.

Tempest: I hear the Lidl fruit cake is very good this year.

Mrs. Kasha Davis: Yes Ive heard that too.

Tempest: Mmm very good.

Charlie: Bit too dense for me. Gives me diarrhoea.

–They all look around to Alaska who’s disappeared.–

Tempest: Shit.

–Around an hour later and Alaska finds herself outside a large council estate. She travels up the flight of stairs to a door with a Christmas wreath. She rips it off the door and knocks. A Christmas present rolls out the door and Shangela pops out.–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: Hiee are you…

Alaska: (Looking down at her hand) Shanjello?

Shangela: Maybe i am. maybe i arent.

Shangela: I just huffed an entire tube of paint i genuinely don’t know anymore.

Alaska: This entire holiday is aids.

Alaska: I got frostbite on the way up and i left Jinkxes nan to die in a pile of snow.

Alaska: I need some Christmas spirit.

Shangela: (Taking out a fat blunt and taking a massive chong) Listen here you lanky shit.

Shangela: Many before you have tried, and most have failed.

Shangela: Just like on drag race, consequence for failure…is death.

Alaska: I’m not sure that’s correct.

Shangela: Yeah sorry its the drugs.

Shangela: Alright go get me some Lidl fruit cake and i’ll give you my sweet Christmas goo.

Alaska: Ok but i never want to hear the phrase ‘sweet Christmas goo’ ever again.

Alaska: Biee

Shangela: (Waving and grinning) No problem giant purple rat.

Shangela: Is the sky melting?

–Alaska makes her way inside Lidl and grabs a big ol fruit cake. At the counter she couldn’t help but feeling she knew the cashier dressed up in a reindeer costume. She pushes a schoolboy over and places her baked Christmas goods on the counter along with a litre bottle of tizer which was only a quid insane bargain.–

Raja: 3 quid mate.

Alaska: Raja??? You work in Lidl???

Raja: Aye.

Raja: You know how it is. Crippling debt and all that.

Raja: Turns out 75,000 pounds goes quickly if you spend it all on grey hair dye.

Alaska: I didn’t ask but ok, werk.

Raja: What are you doing here? You hate Christmas and seasonal foods.

Alaska: it’s not for me, Shangela is exchanging Cake for Christmas spirit.

Raja: (Gasping) That idea is a boot from me. Shangela is a very vengeful and evil spirit!

Raja: OI RAVEN.

Raven: (From across the room working another counter) WHAT.

Raja: THE CUNTS ONLY GONE AND MADE A DEAL WITH SHANGELA.

Raven: WELL GET HER OUT THE STORE I WONT BE CLEANING UP BLOOD OFF THE FLOOR.

Raja: (Turning back to Alaska) Would you like a bag for an extra 5p?

Alaska: Vengeful spirit? What are you on about?

Raja: Well, back on our season there happened to be a Christmas challenge…

Raja: All was going well. The room was full of seasonal cheer! That was all until a large box was rolled out and we were all proper gagged.

Raja: Shangela popped out of the box after being eliminated from last season. She was ready to snatch the crown by any means necessary.

Raja: As it turns out she did so badly in the challenge, she landed herself in the bottom 2 once again.

Raja: Fuelled by her hatred for tulle fabric and Mimi Imfurst, she managed to stay in the competition. But at a cost…

Raja: Ever since, she’s hated Christmas! And steals the souls of those who cannot bring her Christmas cake!!

Raven: RAJA DID YOU TELL HER THE STORY?

Raja: I’M TELLING IT NOW FUCK OFF.

Alaska: (Hands over the money) Sounds fake.

Alaska: See you at Jinkxes nans party!

Raja: Bye.

Raja: Daft cunt…

–Back outside Shangela’s door, Alaska knocks three times. Did she have anything to worry about? Was Raja’s warning true?–

Shangela: Haleoo?

Alaska: I brought you fruit cake.

Shangela: Who are you?

Alaska: We met 10 minutes ago.

Shangela: Ah! Giant purple rat!

–Alaska hands over the cake and Shangela observes it for a moment.–

Shangela: This…this i-is not Christmas fruit cake…

Alaska: Oh man really? Haa i must’ve picked up partytime gyozas by accident my bad.

Shangela: (Fists trembling as she goes red) YOU HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE..

Alaska: Omf the look on your face right now…priceless.

Alaska: Hey what’s your wifi password?

Shangela: IM-IM.

–Shangela begins to transform as she morphs into a disgusting snowman creature. Finally she lets out a blood curdling screech and lunges at Alaska.–

Shangela: HAAALEEELOOOOOOOOOOO

Alaska: (Dodging Shangela’s punch) Hmm i think Raja may of been on to something…

Alaska: I’d better get out of here huh.

–Alaska begins to boot it down the stairs, Shangela hot on her heels, throwing glasses of Absolut cocktails at her. Alaska’s lanky knees give way as she clatters to the floor. She was at the mercy of Shangela, who towered over her menacingly.–

Shangela: I DONT HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE IVE NEVER HAD A CHRISTMAS CAKE IF I WANTED CHRISTMAS CAKE YES I PROBABLY COULD GO OUT AND GET ONE BECAUSE I AM WHAT? HUNGRY. YOU COULD NEVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS CAKE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL BABY EVERYTHING I HAVE EATEN IVE WORKED FOR AND GOTTEN MYSELF I HAVE BUILT MYSELF FROM THE GROUND UP YOU FUCKING BITCH.

Alaska: (Cowering and shaking in fear) IM SO CONFUSED IS THIS A REFERENCE TO SOMETHING?

–Suddenly a Toyota Camry screeches to a halt. The door opens and it’s Rupaul!–

Ru: Alaska! Get in!

–Alaska picks herself off the floor and hops in the car. They speed away as Shangela runs after them, her snowman body gaining power in the heavy snow.–

Alaska: Rupaul? Why did you come back?

Ru: Ive been listening to Anus!

Ru: I relate a lot to the message of nails.

–Shangela lets out another roaring halleloo as she continues to throw acid cocktails. Alaska cooks up an idea stew.–

Alaska: Ru! Drive back to Jinkxes house!

Ru: What? Why? She’ll destroy the place!

Alaska: Trust mawma.

–When they arrive at Jinkxes house Ru does a sick tailspin and stops in the driveway. They leg it inside as a confused Jinkx is setting out party foods and drinks.–

Alaska: JINKX! DID YOU BUY CHRISTMAS FRUIT CAKE FOR THE PARTY?

Jinkx: What? Yeah it’s my nans favourite.

Alaska: Your nan is dead Jinkx!

Alaska: Go get the fucking cake!!

Jinkx: Wait what?

Alaska: No time to explain go grab the cake!!

Jinkx: Did you say my nan-

Alaska: Jinkx really gurl priorities. Get the fucking cake.

–Jinkx goes into the kitchen and comes back with the baked goods in hand. Alaska hurries to the front door and swings it open to find a now 50 ft tall Shangela running towards the house. She readies her throwing arm into Shangela’s agape mouth and takes aim.–

Alaska: Merry Christmas.

Alaska: motherfucker.

–She throws it with her massively lanky arms as it lands in Shangela’s throat. Shangela munches for a bit before nodding her head and returning to her original size.–

Shangela: Bloody good cake that. Aight you’ve earned your Christmas spirit Alaska.

Alaska: Thanks.

Alaska: But you know, i don’t think i need it.

Alaska: I’ve learnt that Christmas isn’t about Holiday spirit, or even our loved ones.

Alaska: It’s about food. I get it now.

Ru: Good job chiiilde. You figured it out.

Ru: Looks like my work here, (Winks) is done.

Alaska: But where will you go?

Ru: Wherever I’m needed.

Ru: Plus i hear Michelle got in trouble with the feds for smuggling coke in her boobs, so i’d better go help her out.

Alaska: Bieeeee.

–People start arriving for the Christmas party. Tempest Dujour, Mrs. Kasha Davis, Charlie Hides, Raja, Raven and even Roxxxy take their places at the table and begin to chow down on the delicious munchies. Just before Alaska goes inside Shangela lets out a small cough.–

Shangela: Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. You’ve taught me the true meaning of Christmas, and I’m forever grateful for that henny.

Alaska: You know…there is an extra place at the table since we killed Jinkxes nan…

Alaska: Want to join us?

Shangela: Well, i am out of paint to huff…

Shangela: You know what? Halleloo i do!!

–And so everyone gathered around for this most festive of holidays, rejoicing and eating those mini sausage rolls that taste better cold. Roxxxy’s bingo game went well, the old folks had a place to stay, Jinkx was sobbing into the tablecloth, and most importantly, Alaska had found out the true meaning of Christmas. Merry Christmas to one and all reading this, and i hope you go to Lidl for your shopping this festive season. Halleloo.–

[20yearstostart]

Wednesday 12 September, 2018

Dear Blank, 

First of all, I need to confess something. I was about to cheat on you with my ex. But it’s not cheating if I write in my old diary right? It’ll just be catching up with an old friend, letting them know how I’m doing? 

I think I should; it probably thinks I’m still just dying in uni with no friends. But things have gotten better, so much better and it should know right?

I’ll start writing in it again. It’ll probably just be poetic stuff again, stuff from kdramas and songs, but at least it’ll be happy and fluffy ones now. I’ve changed so much over this year, it’s really fascinating. I guess the highs and lows are important for some development, but some of it is just shit. 

I mean, it doesn’t have to be that bad. Well, those things are out of my control. I’ll just focus on the things that are mine, and mine to take care of. 

I realised something while I was tidying up my room today. The time I met with the counsellor, she was profiling me. On Monday, we had a lecture about criminal profiling and how the suspect list isn’t shown to the profilist in case they become influenced and start to shape the profile around a criminal. I think the counsellor was doing the same. 

She was trying to find which category I fit into, and she chooses alcoholic and was pushing me into it. I am not an alcoholic, just because I said that my dad is, and I drink it- she was trying to push me into the box and label that as what needs to be treated. I was like this even before I began drinking so fuck her. 

God, I really wish I had a bottle of vodka. 

It’s such a good night to take like two shots, write some bomb ass Jaebum smut and then go to sleep. Maybe, it’s the lights I put up that is making my chest feel all tingly and inspired hehe. I like it. 

I can feel my brain going through the stories, trying to find a good next part. I’ve got a plan on what direction I want the chapters to go, but my brain chooses the mood and the overall effect we’re going to aim for. Right now, it’s thinking fluffy, a lot of fluff and a hint of angst, but mostly just fluff and so much softness that everyone who reads it turns into melted marshmallow. 

Also, on Monday, I hung out with my ex. Let’s all him... uhhh.... well... ex? Just ex? But he’s not just my ex. He’s one of my closest friends, we’re so awkward but we fit well together. At least that's what I think. 

I think I think weirdly and he can’t comprehend how I work and always ends up getting hurt. I’m sure hanging with him was a mistake too. I’m sure he may have thought, ‘oh there’s a chance!’ But, I would not be mad if I was wrong. I am so bad to him, Blank. 

I am so so bad to him. I asked him if I ruined his life, and he said that I did. But, he didn’t say it in a mean or bad way to hurt me. He just answered my question honestly, and I felt so terrible. I was his R. 

I strung him along all through high school. Even though I told him I didn’t like him and broke up with him. Me being friends with him, hanging with him and just always being with him must have messed him up so much. There he was always by me and I keep on looking everywhere but at him. But, I can’t look at him, not in that way. 

I just can’t love him. 

There’s nothing wrong with that. It just makes feel so guilty, and I wish he finds a girl that kicks me out of his life and loves him like he deserves to be. 

He wants to be a photographer/ musician, and travel the world. I told him to send me postcards from where he is. Not those digital ones, but the real ones with the stamp and stuff. I can’t wait to collect them and see all the stuff he does. 

It’s quite amazing how the world works. All it takes is one moment and everything just spins from its axis. 

i dont like this one so im not completing it yolo (Bambam, 2015)

[anything-advice-blog]

Submission - #blahblah

TIME SENSITIVE - AT MOST 5 DAYS hey I really need your help. So I joined the only lgbt club in my very small town. I sat next to a boy around 17-18 (i’m a 16, bi trans male) and we started talking. He added me on facebook, cause I felt it was too rude to say no, but he talks to me every day all day. he lives about 5 minutes away so he wants to spend the weekend hanging with me and getting coffee or seeing a movie. Which isn’t so bad but I’m catching up on college assignments (he keeps saying he could help me but i dont want hin to) and i have severe anxiety amongst other social issues. I think he has a crush on me as well which is making me feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack all day cause he’s always texting via facebook and he got my phone number from Facebook too. He told me he was a casual flirt and that he has a very very dirty sense of humour. I thought he meant the occasional dick joke so i went along with it but he sent me a very explicit ‘funny’ video which has just made me so anxious bc I don’t know what to do. He jokingly sends winky faces and flirts, calls me adorable and makes explicit sexual jokes and it makes me so uncomfortable and anxious. I’m already high strung due to college so I’m too tired to socialise with anyone. He’s going to be texting me all this week and then on Thursday hes going to want to hang out or walk me home but I don’t want to. I have severe social anxiety and I don’t want to make a big deal out of this, what do i do?? I don’t want to get my parents involved cause they’ll make it a huge thing, i want to talk to my friend abt it and see what she thinks but i feel like im being ridiculous and its just so embarrassing. I don’t want to leave my lgbt group either as besides all this stress it helps me and i have made a few other friends. What should i do bc i cant handle college stress and this on top of it, its giving me panic attacks. #blahblah

Hey there!

I definitely don't think you should leave the LGBT club, it sounds like it's an important place and a good source of support for you. However, I do thing you need to talk to this guy about how you feel. It's always okay to say no to someone. Tell him that you're stressed and you don't have the time or energy to hang out. Tell him about how much homework you have to do, and that it's important to you to get it done on time.

You should also tell him how uncomfortable you are with the videos and jokes he's sending you. You deserve to have friends that make you feel comfortable, not anxious or gross. You need to set boundaries, and he needs to respect them. If he refuses to respect you, then I think you should definitely talk with your other friends about it, and maybe whomever runs the LGBT group. The main purpose of a group like that is to provide a safe, comfortable place, and if he's making you feel unsafe then the people who run the group should definitely talk to him about it.

It's not rude to say no. You need to take care of yourself, and that includes managing who you interact with, and how they interact with you. You are absolutely allowed to say no to anyone, for any reason. It takes strength to set boundaries, and it's something that you not only can do, but something you need to do, for your own health and safety.

If it gets to the point where he straight up refuses to leave you alone, despite you asking him to, you shouldn't be afraid to just block him on social media. You need to take care of yourself, and you aren't obligated to humor someone who makes you feel this way. You aren't being ridiculous, I'm glad that you're reaching out and asking for help rather than just putting up with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Ren

[balarsen22]

5/16

We started out talking about Montana. I told her that I got to play saturday night and sunday morning, which was really good. She asked about my mood, and its actually been pretty flat apart from dipping so low on saturday morning, up until I got put in the game actually. I said a big part of it was just being on the bench and not being able to play. I felt really lonely and isolated. Iona wanted hurt and I to be more like mini-coaches to keep us feeling more involved, but it still sucked. I also brought up that they had the suicide section, and that it really bothered me but I didnt bring it up to anyone because I wasn't sure if I was overreacting and making too big of deal about it. I might have brought it up to megan, except she’s a captain and I didnt want to bug her because she was already stressed out. I showed Jessica the picture (well, snapchat) I took, and she said that she would’ve said something about it. So I wasn't overreacting. Now I wish I had said something about it when I was there.  

We transitioned to eating disorder week. I said how it really surprised me that my weight was still the same. I thought for sure it had gone up. I feel like I’ve gained weight. She said that she told me it would be okay if I ate a normal amount. I said that I’m not losing weight though, and she said that wasn't our goal. I said that wasn't her goal, and she said its not our goal, at least while I’m in there. She asked if I still see fat when I look in the mirror, and I said yes without even hesitating. She said that I still can't trust what I see then. I said how frustrating it is. She asked what i wanted to do with calories. I said I know i say this every week, but I really struggled with it, and I want to have another week at 1800. She didn't really put up a fight. I told her how much my stomach hurts all the time, and how difficult it makes it. When she asked more details about it, I explained how it got worse last summer too in treatment. She asked if maybe I was just full, but its different than that. I was thinking about how I was at TK and I didn't poop for 4 days, and then they finally gave me the stuff they give people before colonoscopies, and if they didn't do that I would've been given a mineral oil enema. I didn't tell her that though. I just said it makes it hard to heat, and left it at that.

I asked her about with HSP, does your ability to tolerate the things your sensitive to vary at times? Like some days I'm not quite as jumpy and can tolerate things better than others, or if I'm really in the zone for something else. She asked me to give an example, so I told her about the whistles and yelling this weekend watching vs  playing. She said that playing I probably am expecting it more, so it doesn't bother me as much. that, and i’m much more focused in on my other senses. She talked about her issues with music in the car, and how it varies with the genre- she can tolerate country, but can't stand having rap on. I found it funny to imagine her listening to rap in the first place lol. 

Then I sucked it up and read my letter to La Luna even though I didn't really have time to edit it. I got distracted reading my treatment journal from last summer and ran out of time, but I had the concepts in. This is what it said:

“During the 3 months I spent in IOP, I believed things were getting better. I thought it was helping. I thought things were going to start to turn around for me.  When I was told I needed to go to residential before i would be allowed back into group, I agreed to go. I agreed to give up my plans for the summer, to possibly lose my other jobs, to figure out how to finish school there. I agreed to be locked up because everyone told me it would help, that I would finally learn to love myself and realize I was worthy of recovery. I went into treatment with so much hope that things were going to finally change, and I was ready to bust my ass to make it happen. I got to TK, and it was nothing like I had been told I should expect. When I talked to Ainara, she said I could leave, but I wouldn’t be able to go back to IOP if I did. So I stayed, and put up with a lot of bullshit that I shouldn’t have had to. In between TK and ERCWA I had a week back in the real world that I had no idea what was going on with anything, and I wasn't functioning well. At that point, my PHP and discharge plan from TK had fallen through completely, and I had no idea what to expect. I called to see if I could get in with Hannah during that week I was home because I was struggling, and was told I couldn't come in until I was back from PHP. I had been told I was being discharged the day before I left TK, and wouldn't be going to PHP there like we all had planned on. I had just spent 7.5 weeks in residential, and I was overwhelmed by the freedom of the real world. And I was still trying to fight for recovery and fight to get the help and support I needed. I needed help during that week, and they refused. That should've been my first clue that I wasn't actually going back there. And then I was told I had factitious disorder before leaving for ERCWA, and my mind flipped. I was burned out on treatment, and I was feeling like I didn't deserve recovery, and at that point I was done fighting for it. I felt so guilty that I had fought so hard to get into PHP at all, because I was taking someone's spot who deserved it more. I adapted a fuck it attitude, and I didn't care anymore. I didn't have any try left in me.  I just wanted to get back to my life. While at ERCWA I did what they asked, but that was compliance, not recovery. I left ERCWA defeated and resigned to the fact that I wasn't worthy of recovery, and I was too fucked up to receive help. And at first, when I found out I wasn’t going back to IOP I was relieved. Which was ironic because I was convinced to go to residential in the first place because I couldn't come back to IOP until I did, and I put up with a lot of bullshit because of it. I didn't want to go back to IOP, but I probably needed the support more than ever. I was strung along for a few days before I was told (the day before leaving ERCWA) that I wouldn't be going back to IOP. I tried to act like I didn't care- I mean I get it, I wouldn't want me back in the program either. I'm a fucking mess. And I didn't want to go back. I was sick of treatment, and no longer felt I deserved it or that it was even possible for me, and this confirmed it. But I feel like I was being set up to fail- had I been any other patient, would anyone expect me to come back from 82 days of residential and PHP and go to an hour a week of therapy and be ok? Probably not, so why would you do that to me? I feel like I was manipulated into going When I came back, I met with Ainara and Hannah once, and Hannah another 2 times. And every time I left, I cried the entire way home. They made me feel like my entire summer had been a waste, and that I wasn’t worth their time or help. It solidified what I was already thinking about myself. It It killed the little motivation and hope I had left. I would've been better off without ever going there or knowing them at all, because it ultimately just made me hate myself even more.”

Jessica asked how it made me feel- mainly resigned. She brought up how things flipped after finding out about factitious disorder, and asked why? I just didn't feel like I was worth recovery anymore. She asked what went through my head, what did it make me think of myself? I said that I feel like I’m an attention seeking little brat. She said that factitious disorder is because I don't think I'm worthy just as a human. I'm not doing this because I'm just an attention seeking little brat. I got really quiet, and tears began to well up in my eyes. She asked me if I understood what factitious disorder was. That these behaviors come out because it makes me feel worthy of attention or love. The root cause of it is that I don't feel worthy just as I am, so I make things up to feel more worthy of others attention. Its an actual disorder, an illness. I said that I understood better now, but I still hate myself for it. She asked why I felt that, and when I couldn't answer she suggested that maybe its because I hurt people with the lies, even though I didn't intend to. She also suggested that maybe a small part of my mind was angry at myself for getting caught. Both are true, but I feel like its more than just that. Even when I was doing those things I didn't feel worthy of people’s love, but she said that its probably because it helped me to feel more worthy at least. I was doing my best not to cry. I dont know why I wanted to cry though. I don't know why I feel like this. I asked her why I’m like this. She said she honestly doesn't know, because most people quit therapy when they find out about it. There hasn't been a lot of research done on it. I stayed pretty quiet. She also said that if I’ve dug myself into any holes with it, she will help me out. She said that I’m worthy of people’s time even when I’m not struggling. I can still come in to see her, I can just tell megan I want to hang out. I’m worthy just because I’m me. I still stayed quiet. Eventually I said that I understand everything, but I still just don't feel it. And I don't know why. She offered a half hour session from 3-3:30 tomorrow if I could think of anything, so I wouldn't cut into EMDR time on thursday. 

[kayostesting]

test

You are now Choromatsu, and you have just arrived in the Land of Aluminum and Frogs. FUCKING FINALLY. Excuse that. You’re a bit mentally on edge after dealing with your server player and his dumbass shenanigans. But enough of that. Being so high-strung isn't going to get you anywhere. Perhaps you can wind down by exploring your planet for a bit. From what you gather by looking out the window to your side, the land seems quite barren, however you can see a few trees in the distance. There’s also a nice stream flowing just a little bit away from where you are. You glance at the windows behind you and find a giant mountain and… a mirror above it? What in the world could that be about? You’re gonna have to ask your spri...never mind. You’ll figure it out on your own. Your computer suddenly pings. That’s probably Osomatsu-niisan. It's probably a good idea to answer him. -- fappyGap [FG] began pestering moneyMeister [MM] at who knows what time -- FG: I’m back. MM: yeah good job MM: gluing together your little cube thing FG: Oh shut up. FG: Anyways, I need to go set up Ichimatsu now. I’ve left him hanging long enough. MM: yeah yeah MM: but hey MM: where are your consorts MM: were supposed to have them right FG: Now that you mention it, there’s nothing here but some plants and trees. MM: huh FG: Actually you know what I’m going to go outside for a bit. -- fappyGap [FG] ceased pestering moneyMeister [MM] at who knows what time -- You look up from your computer screen to exit the pharmacy. It’d be a good idea to get your bearings first, and then you’ll get right back to helping Ichimatsu. You turn around and go back inside, only to see something stand nearby the river. What’s that over there? Hmm...oh, it must be one of your new consorts! You quickly jog over to see what it is. Is it... …is that... Is that Jyushimatsu’s heirloom?! Why the hell is he even here??? You stare at each other for a few seconds before the...Hijirisawa? Yeah. Hijirisawa. Hijirisawa Shonosuke. You stare at each other before the Hijirisawa Shonosuke jumps into the river. You suddenly don't understand anything. In fact, you are currently casting sincere doubt on the laughable insinuation that you or anyone else ever actually did for even a single moment. Whatever. Time to get back to Ichimatsu. You’ve wasted enough time. You rush back into your office and quickly connect to Ichimatsu and start placing things down in your parents' house. Oh wait, he’s pestering you. Better see what he wants to say. -- fuckingFurry [FF] began pestering fappyGap [FG] at who cares about the time -- FF: oh wow. FF: you’re actually helping me now. FG: Yeah, ok, I’m sorry for leaving you hanging for so long, ok? FG: I’ll get you all set up as quickly as possible, so sit tight. FF: got it. FF: also don’t make a huge racket. FF: mom and dad are gonna wonder what’s going on. FG: Right, right. That’d be a good idea. FG: We can't have them flipping the fuck out right now. FF: as if you can talk. FF: you've been flipping your fucks like goddamn pancakes today. God that asshole is annoying. But no, you're going to be calm right now. No more fuck-flipping for you. Instead of chastising Ichimatsu for his asinine comment, you open up the inventory and place down the Pre-Punched Card along with the Totem Lathe and Cruxtruder. You then look around the room for something heavy you can use to eject Ichimatsu's Kernalsprite. You do not want to rip out anything that may cause a leak. Speaking of which, you’re going to have to patch up the damaged plumbing in the building you're in one of these days. But regardless, it's time to get back on track. You decide to look into your parents' living room and pick up a chair. Thank the Virgin God your father’s a bit too preoccupied with the televison screen to notice a floating chair behind him. You drag the chair upstairs and drop it onto the Cruxtruder and then quickly move your cursor to try and catch it before it lands. Somehow, that actually worked. You move the chair over in a corner to deal with later as you expand a wall and deposit the Alchemiter while Ichimatsu removes the Cruxite Dowel and begins carving it into a Totem. You suppose this is a good time to think about what to put into his sprite. FG: Hey Ichimatsu, what do you want to throw in the sprite? FF: don’t care. FF: throw in the chair for all i care. FG: Yes. Thank you. FG: That’s really helping us progress. FF: is that sarcasm? FF: i can't tell. FF: wait. FF: i just realized that i don't care. You pick up a random scarf from the floor. Maybe you can prototype the Kernalsprite with this. It’s not blue or sparkling, so at least Ichimatsu probably won’t object to it too much. Looking at it closer, is that…is that your Nyaa-chan scarf? OH, IT IS!!! FUCKING JACKPOT!!! You toss it into the sprite before realizing how your prototypings affect your underlings' appearences. You then remember you’ll have to fight imps influence from Pornsprite. You decide to initiate a HIGHLY DANGEROUS DOUBLE FACEPALM x2 COMBO. Whatever, what’s done is done. You watch as Nyaasprite comes into existence. CHOROMATSU: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa she’s so great! You would love to switch places with Ichimatsu right now. Actually, speaking of Ichimatsu, he’s talking to Nyaasprite right now. You’re so jealous! Maybe you could pop by over there using the gates later and then meet her. But you've got to be careful, methodical. Start with your thoughts on her new single. Nonchalantly mention that you've reserved her new photobook, and throw your Tumblr URL into the conversation. Don't be pushy! Act appropriately distant, unlike those other fans. Make her feel like you really get her. Yes! Make her feel like you really understand her stress. There's nothing to fear; your plan is perfect! FF: choromatsu. FF: what the fuck. FF: why did you throw that dumb idol scarf in there. FG: NYAAAAAAAAA CHAAAAAAAAAN!!! FF: god fucking dammit. FG: SHE'S SO WONDERFUL. FG: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FF: no. FF: stop. FF: i’m gonna just keep talking to her to get an idea of whatever the hell i’m supposed to do now. FF: since someone's being too much of a fappy bastard to do anything that isn't completely vomit-inducing. FG: I’M SO JEALOUS. FG: MY ASS HAIR IS ON FIRE. FG: Her divine visage glows with the beauty of 3000 suns. FF: fuck this. Oh, it seems that Ichimatsu’s gone into the group chat. FF: hey. FF: osomatsu. FF: you piece of shit. FF: get over here and restrain your client player. MM: what MM: im busy trying to help totty over here FF: he threw his stupid idol shit in my sprite. FF: he’s goddamn fangirling over it now. FF: blabbing about her “divine visage” or something. FF: just slap some sense into him. MM: yeah yeah ok i got you FG: NYAA-CHAN IS THE BEST. FF: fuck me. MM: lol i think ill pass You feel something poke into your face. It’s probably Osomatsu. You decide to ignore it for now and keep looking at Nyaa-chan. So pretty and wonderful, rivaled only by Totoko-chan! Ouch, something’s slapping your cheek. You turn around to swat whatever it is only to see a goddamned dildo dangling from the multicolored cursor in front of you. Screeching in horror, you quickly grab a random book nearby and proceed to smash it into the dumbass meddlesome cursor and fake-ass dick. After beating the vulgar object into oblivion while screaming at the top of your lungs, you switch over to pestering Osomatsu and slam your hand down on the keyboard rapidly. So much for keeping your fucks unflipped. -- moneyMeister [MM] began pestering fappyGap [FG] at lol insert time -- MM: hey MM: choromatsuuuuuu MM: how many times do i have to pokeHOOLYSHIT MM: nevermind MM: lmao you need to calm the fuck down FG: FRETGHFGFFGHTRHTUQETRYRJYNB C CB GNRJYMUKARY. FG: OSOMATSU-NIISAN. FG: WHAT THE FUCK. FG: WERE YOU THINKING. FG: OH WHO AM I FUCKING KIDDING. FG: YOU DON'T THINK. MM: are you sure you wont want that later FG: YOU KNOW WHAT. FG: YOU CAN GO FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW. FG: YOU SEE THIS PICTURE? YOU SEE IT? MM: wow lmao flipping the bird FG: THIS IS MY UNDYING RAGE FOR YOUR UNACCEPTABLE TOMFOOLERY. FG: NOT ONLY DO YOU FAIL TO TAKE THIS GAME SERIOUSLY. FG: BUT YOU ALSO INTENTIONALLY TRY TO FUCK IT UP. FG: You know how dangerous this game is. MM: lol MM: if you want help, perhaps you should elicit some profound wisdom from your wonderful sprite MM: who should have quite some expertise regarding your current dumbassery MM: ;) FG: You're impossible. FG: And it's "solicit", not "elicit". MM: ah MM: so elicit some profound wisdom MM: and get back to me once youve cooled down a bit -- moneyMeister [MM] ceased pestering fappyGap [FG] at lol insert time -- HE FUCKING LEFT. That petulant brat. You decide to not elicit some profound wisdom from your dumbass sprite and instead choose to- Ah hell, Ichimatsu's contacting you again. FF: hey. FF: if you’re done getting off, i need to get back to getting into the medium. FF: or i’m sorry, “The Medium”. FG: I’m sorry but I’LL NEED A MOMENT WITH OUR STUPID ELDEST BROTHER FIRST. You switch over to the group chat where everyone’s currently blathering away. Osomatsu’s talking. You are GOING TO GET HIM. MM: misson complete FF: perfect. HD: What the hell is going on…(・_・ヾ MM: just taking care of chorofappyski HD: What? FG: OSOMATSU-NIISAN. FG: YOU FUCKING BASTARD. FG: FUCKING FIGHT ME. HD: Oh my god. (－‸ლ) FF: oh hey he’s back. FF: and not slobbering over that idol. FG: NO SHIT. FG: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING. MM: i thought we just established that i dont think MM: do you have amnesia too MM: along with your severe case of royal tightass-itis HD: What the hell did you do? ｢(ﾟﾍﾟ) MM: slapped him with a dildo ;) FF: perfect. HD: Oh dear god. FG: NOT PERFECT. FG: THAT IS FUCKING DISGRACEFUL. MH: OH, EVERYONE’S HAVING FUN OVER HERE!!!!! HD: Jyushimatsu-niisan, you might want to leave. (❁°͈▵°͈) FG: I WILL END YOU AND YOU WILL BE EXILED EVEN OUT OF HELL. FG: AND THEN I WILL END YOU. FG: AGAIN. FG: YOU WILL BE DOUBLE-DEAD. MM: lmao id like to see you try FG: FUCKING TRY ME. FG: I DARE YOU. FF: i have a cool cat toy you wanna see? MH: KITTY!!!!! HD: Yeah why the heck not. MM: why are you even so fired up about it -- fuckingFurry [FF] shared files -- HD: Ehhh, that’s pretty cool looking! (◕‿◕✿) FG: BECAUSE YOU FUCKING USED THE MOST OBSCENE THING YOU COULD HAVE. MH: IT’S SO INTRICATE!!!!! FF: i know, it’s pretty nice. PP: Hello, my dear brothers! I have finally finished carving my Cruxite Dowel, and I am currently engaged in the action of Alchemizing my Artifact. If I am not interrupting anything, may I inquire over what has occurred in my absence from our lovely gathering for conversation? MM: i mean you wouldnt listen to me MM: and you know ichimatsu asked me to “slap some sense into him.” MM: so i did FG: WITH A FUCKING DILDO. FG: YOU CHOOSE A FUCKING DILDO. FF: i didn't mean that literally you dumbass. MM: ;) PP:...Eh? HD: Karamatsu-niisan, you’re seeing this, right? PP: Yep. MH: AH. MH: BY THE WAY. MM: i mean what else am i going to use MM: your sprite spawns those things all over the place FG: And exactly WHOSE FAULT DO YOU THINK THAT IS?!?!?! -- muscleHustle [MH] shared files -- MH: EVERYONE SAY HI TO ESPKITTYSPRITE!!!!! HD: Ah, ESP Kitty! ( ・ ̫・) FF: nice. MM: lmao take a joke alexfapper graham bell FF: anyways i’m gonna go figure out what i need to do with this cat. FG: WHAT EVEN WERE YOU TRYING TO DO ANYWAYS. FG: DESTROY WHAT DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT??? FG: GIVE ME A BONER??? MH: I NEED TO ENTER THE GAME SOON TOO. HD: Idol otaku have their pride too, you know. MM: that was the plan MM: to give you a boner PP: Perhaps it’s a good idea to postpone our chatting to another time while we all try to enter The Medium in order to escape from our deaths. HD: Agreed. MM: and you got one -- fuckingFurry [FF] logged the fuck out -- -- heartlessDemon [HD] logged the fuck out -- FG: FUCK YOU. -- painfulPrat [PP] logged the fuck out -- -- muscleHustle [MH] logged the fuck out -- FG: I’M DONE. MM: lmao You turn away from your computer and slam your face into your desk. This is too tiring, go be someone else. You're too fed up to deal with anyone else's bullshit.