#me every day : surely this can't be worse
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yeah
#me every day : surely this can't be worse#and then it is in fact worse#:/#somebody sedate me#or hire a hit on me I'm not picky
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had to stop taking the new adhd medication but the good news is i can drink coffee and iced tea again
#it's the bright side to every time a medication has failed lol#gotta set up an appointment for alt treatments#pretty sure my insurance doesn't cover counseling and i can't afford it... which is why i've been going for meds#it's one of those things where if i have enough going on in my life i can manage my adhd relatively ok but i'm severely under-stimulated rn#i have too much time on my hands so there's nothing for me to force me to do the things that aren't as interesting as say. fucking around#so the variety of stuff i do keeps narrowing and it just gets worse#so all i really need is a kickstart#which!!!!! if stimulants weren't so hard on my body! would be great!!!#i need structure in my life but setting up structure myself is boring#like yoga is something i LOVE doing but it's still hard to get on the mat even though i used to be able to do it every day#i think that more yoga would definitely help but i don't know how to get myself there#rum.txt
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L4D au by @hurrakka! Scary monster men are my favorite <3
#resident evil#resident evil 6#resident evil damnation#resident evil leon#leon kennedy#alexander kozachenko#body horror#l4d au#this took me 22 hours to finish and like 4 hours in the file corrupted#and every time i tried to recover it ibis crashed#but i thankfully saved a wip like right before that happened so yea#anyway i was thinking like-#in this form sasha's blind right? and i don't think licker's have great senses of smell in general#so like do you think that he'd been kinda unconsciously clingy towards leon#he can't see him and he can't smell him so he has to make sure that he's nearby SOMEHOW#if hes close to leon at all times he doesn't have to worry about him getting hurt or- maybe worse than that-#running off and leaving him behind because hes not the sasha he used to know#anyway that bounced in my skull for a few days can you tell? 🤗
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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dude
#do you ever just feel like if the colour grey was an emotion#i feel bored and empty#not entirely sure why that is but i don't think the QSMP's... everything is helping#i guess it's only natural that a source of comfort shrivelling and dying ends up making you feel a little worse#I'd be lying if i said I wasn't sad every time i open the QSMPtag and the most recent post was like 4 hours ago and there have only been#like thirty posts in the past day#either way#yeah feeling a little. ehh#dude I'll be completely honest#when i posted that most recent fanart i put my phone down for a couple hours#and when i came back to check up on how the post had been doing#and it had like 18 notes. a couple hours after I posted it. idk what I expected but in my head i was hoping for over fifty at the very least#I'd be lying if I said that didn't break my heart a bit#the post didn't end up doing terribly after that though; roughly ≈450 notes isn't. bad? but i spent 11 fucking hours on that damn thing#at least i got some really nice compliments on it#but that initial disappointment stung enough that my motivation to put effort into fanart again is. definitely absent right now#i guess i can't expect a huge turnout with how empty the fandom is now#but sometimes i see other artists in the fandom get so much attention so quickly and i wonder what I'm doing wrong#maybe it's a skill issue lmfao#whatever. feeling a little unfulfilled right now and wanted to get it off my chest. don't expect massive engagement from me#I'm not going anywhere I'm just not super enthusiastic at the moment#who knows maybe I'll find things to be hyped about and talk extensively about
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why did none of my fucking doctors tell me i can instantly relieve otherwise hours-long agony just by drinking a bit of baking soda in water...
WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL MY MEDICATIONS USELESS PREVENTATIVE TRASH WITH A MILLION SIDE EFFECTS WHEN I HAD ACTUAL RELIEF RIGHT HERE IN MY PANTRY THE WHOLE TIME
like i get that if you are experiencing abnormal pain you should get it checked out but IN THE MEANTIME i could have been treating myself, and even once i got seen they didn't give me jack shit for the pain!
#heartburn#acid reflux#health#medicine#GERD#legit so mad#i have suffered so much and have so much internal damage FOR NO REASON#oh sure let's make me coat my stomach with chemicals 3 times a day every day for the rest of my life#oh sure let's give me weird shit to inhibit my natural acid production and if i ever stop taking them it will come back EVEN WORSE#oh sure let's coat the FOOD i eat so it doesn't come back up my throat#BUT WE CAN'T POSSIBLY JUST NEUTRALIZE THE ACID ITSELF THAT WOULD MAKE TOO MUCH SENSE#important life tips
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I really feel like such a helpless adult baby sometimes. Some things just take too long while to heal, and even when I think I've got no more pain left, something refuels it. Some wounds feel like putting a fireplace somewhere in innermost part of one's being; as long as it is there, there is a risk of someone throwing fuel in it and making it burn. And these fireplaces are so, SO darn hard to uninstall. Just.. how do I heal this?
#/vent#personal#yes it is about A again#I just can't believe that for her someone being rude when hurt/harmed/scared/belittled/etc is-#-much worse than stalking harassment bullying and lying#and that she wanted to take revenge at me for words I took back THAT SAME DAY to the-#-point of hurting two other mutuals she liked that never did anything to her at all#like.... I just can't cope with the fact that someone wanted to harm me to the point of willing to-#-pay a PRICE to do that#and over what? over me blowing up when she told me I was wrong about who the stalker was#also when they got caught after sending message off anon on accident A also pretended that-#-she never doubted who it was#like dude? you deadass told me I was wrong because you 'asked them and they said no'#for someone who lied SO many times A sure is strangely oblivious to the fact that guilty people can lie!#i just wish it stopped hurting already#like every time I think I got over it something 'fuels the fire' again#how I am 26 and still feel shocked that some people are JUST cruel and treacherous? for no reason?
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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every day i go more and more feral about kimchay and it's all @viva-yas-vegas' fault
#I REACH NEW LIMITS. EVERY SINGLE DAY. AND THEN I GO#THIS IS IT#YOU CAN'T GET WORSE#SURELY#AND EVERY TIME I AM PROVEN WRONG#dad come pick me up except dad is the one causing the emotional damage#tea's ramblings
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the hits stop coming and they don't stop coming
#every time i think i can't feel worse i discover a new blow#TO BE FAIR. IT'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN THAT BAD#i'm just like. really sensitive or something annoying like that#the worst part is that usually when i'm feeling low i can hinge my feelings on smth like 'if this happens that means everything will be okay#but then sometimes. it happens. and i still feel like the world is ending. so that didn't work now what do i do#ugh i didn't even feel this bad when i was like in the hospital a few months ago and it's literally just like. (in summary)#2 people i love are mad at me. i did really poorly in my exams and might lose my gpa. my car (highly attached) is breaking down and i need#get a new one#i start a new job tomorrow and i heard bad things about it from my classmates who started before me#+ i have serious doubts in my ability to dress neatly and well with all my shitty poorman clothes#+ i started breaking out#+ i just noticed i lost a bunch of weight likely from my hospital stay and i dunno how to get that back#+ my doctor said i'm not likely to get full mobility back at this point and it's upsetting me#also my spare tires are missing#ugh i'll be fine. i'll be fine i'll be fine i'll be fine. i'll be fine#i'm good at dealing BUT ONLY WITH SOME OF THESE. i can deal with the car and the job and the health. but interpersonal shit?#which is the thing upsetting me the most? wow surprise surprise local autist doesn't do people good#UGH anyway sorry for complaints on main i just feel like i got too many straws rn#it's 10:30pm i'm sure i'll feel better in the morning (ignoring the fact that i've been feeling almost exactly like this for days)#ugh. it's fine. i'll deal. only way out is through or whatever
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 10: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(✦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ✦)
Yesterday's poll decided that The Adventurer should join the travelers on the larger river boat for a short lunch ...
~
"Before he even fully musters the courage to shout a 'hello', the large group on the boat initiates contact first, gleefully waving at him, whooping and shouting as they near his tiny raft in the water. Apparently, some of them were betting over whether they'd actually find any other travelers out on the river today.. He fumbles over his words a bit, as always, but somehow manages to successfully get himself invited onto their boat for a quick lunch..
After safely securing his raft to the side of the boat with some spare rope, he climbs aboard, stumbling into the excitement of some sort of celebration. A few of them explain that they're traveling for 'kahesallei', an old elven holiday recently re-popularized in some of the larger cities nearby. Whatever it's true meaning and origins used to be, the current significance (at least to those within the city walls) seems to just be mindless feasting, drinking, and gaudy decor. Most of the traveling group are strangers to each other, only brought together by catching a ride on the same tour/party boat, but the mood is light, quite friendly between them, and perhaps a bit drunk.
While the boat itself is relatively plain wood, it's been strewn with gold and orange banners, flags, shimmery tassels, beads, and bushels of dark green ivy braided with fresh herbs and wildflowers. There are flat round tables of food and drink, plenty of cushions to lounge on, and one random guy perched precariously on the edge railing of the boat, gently strumming a lute for background music..
The elderly ship captain hobbles over to The Adventurer, sternly explaining that, no matter what the 'silly' passengers say, he's only allowed to stay for an hour because he didn't pay for a boat ride ticket, and thus really shouldn't even be allowed on board. By the time The Adventurer has mentally processed this information, the captain has already returned to his little steering room, slamming the door shut with a displeased grunt.. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to confront him or question the rules...... But! Hey, at least he has one hour at the party.. How should he spend his time? "
~
Additional Information
the adventurer's current main goal: follow his map to reach the abandoned castle ruins and see the rare animal specialist about the mysterious egg he has
#paventure posting#polls#poll#choose your own adventure#LATE AGAIn I know.. I'm still in my weird unproductive spell. literally I've had the same 5 to do list items on my list#for 2 weeks now. I can't even do five simple things in 2 weeks lol. I did start some new supplements and change my diet since#my doctors are still trying to sort out what health issues are going on or etc. so maybe it's something with that#like accidentally on the new diet I'm not getting enough calories or not getting enough of some vitamin or something so it's made me oddly#brain foggy and just really tired and unable to focus well for the past few weeks or something..? ANYWYA. not really sure what#it is specifically but my functioning in terms of actually focusing on and completing tasks has been a lot worse . thus#chronically behind on things. which I am always chronically behind on things in some sense since I always have like 7000 projects#I'm working on at the same exact time and etc. lol. but like.. even more chronically behind than usual .. ToT#ANYWAY.. I'm suprised that the 'try to get a ride on the boat' option didn't get that many votes actually lol#Like.. treveling down a river in a tiny handmade raft is probably.. not extremely safe or efficient lol#But at least he gets to have lunch there. Just the hour that he's on the boat doing whatever will get him a lot further because the boat#is moving faster than his raft would be. It should still get him out of the river and back on track sooner. Because he still has a long way#to go to get to the abandoned castle. I know it's been a lot of days since I'm not keeping up well with actually doing these#daily or every other day - but technically in the story it's only been a little over a day since he left the Inn#The first day he just walked. the second day he saw there was a barrier in his path. then spent half the day building a boat. and now he'e#*he's where he is now. The trip is roughly 4 days and he's like.. a little over halfway through his second. Not counting any detours or#distractions he might run into. But at least at this pace he should be off the river before it starts to get dark#Thate the main thing. you want to get a good rest on solid ground. ideally. So long as nothing strange happens on the boat#but yeah! day 10.. of little elf man adventure... ALSO he is like early 20s I imagine. so he can drink hbhjbjh#I know the 'very quick simple ms paint style' is kind of chibi-ish so it makes people look young but he's not a boy#don't worry. I didnt want it to seem weird like some 10 year old kid walking into a party of drunk 30 year olds#like a toddler hanging out in a night club or whatever. It's safe and okay for him to be there. just for the record. lol#I mean maybe not SAFE safe. it's still a boat of like.. rowdy party goers who could easily fall over the edge into the water or whatever bu#but like.. safe in the sense that he's not a 6 year old being offered vodka by strangers at a party. etc.#despite his goofy nervous demeanor and chronic baby face syndrome he is indeed an actual adult somehow ghbj
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really need to start taking a multivitamin again i think that would do me a lot of good
#op#tw ed talk in tags (i guess???)#i can eat like. very limited things atm without feeling gross and nauseous#not sure if it's an aut//ism thing or if i'm developing ar/fid but even food i used to like is down the drain#like pasta? not unless it's slathered in cheese. couscous? nope not at all.#even fucking mashed potatoes like bro.#a lot of fast food is good to me but i can't get fast food constantly#and my ad/hd meds make it so i'm Not eating enough every day. like not nearly enough#it's upsetting frankly i never considered that this could happen to me worse than it already was but it is. which sucks#wish i could be normal and just eat whatever and had the energy to prepare food but i don't#i'm so frustrated esp because i can't afford to lose any weight i really really can't i'm already really fucking small#if anything i'd love to gain a bit. but i can't. it SUCKS
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starting to think maybe i should turn rbs off on that post actually bc im having heart palpitations now fdsjgjkl why is this happening to meeee
#vent //#me when the paranoia is Getting Bad fjkfdsjkl#its stemming from m.oral o.cd i think bc i am mainly worried abt more eyes on my blog and ppl seeing me frolic here#and the brain gophers have been insisting that i am doing smth horribly wrong and not realizing it#and the worry is that someone is going to see that and bypass talking to me abt it and go straight to making a callout post#and i will be sitting here with Zero Idea abt it#and continue hurting ppl by doing the Unknown Wrong Thing#but i also am not sure how that would happen bc i overthink literally Everything i post#if u see me put tags on smth that isn't just a simple ''ough'' or ''hehe yay!!'' i probably sat there for two mins making sure it was okay#running thru the words at every angle i can conceive of to ensure its not going to hurt somebody somehow fdsjkl#and this paranoia has been so bad the past few days. and when it gets bad then i get worried bc maybe i somehow have a guilty conscience#without even knowing !!! just subconsciously having a guilty conscience somehow !!#which ... only makes the paranoia worse fdsgjkl its a very bad vicious circle#anyways. i have been lowkey avoiding being here lately bc of this but i feel like avoidance just makes it worse#so . hrm. i just do not want to have more crying breakdowns bc i tried to figure out what on earth i could possibly be doing so wrong fsdjk#not exactly a fun way to spend time FDSJKL but ... what can ya do i guess#like i can't ask ppl ''hey am i doing smth wrong?'' bc thats. very vague. and subjective. and also i shouldnt rely on other ppl like that#but my brain is so goofed up that i genuinely cannot tell when i get like this sdjfkl bc i feel so sure i must be doing smth wrong somehow#so every tiny thing seems like maybe its wrong in a way i dont understand yet... ough#ANYWAYS SORRY THIS IS . NOT A GOOD POST TO MAKE. LOL. but i feel like this is the only way im going to bust myself out of this cycle#hopefully if i just Say that i've been really worried then if smth IS actually wrong someone will let me know#and if nothing is wrong then !! i can move on from this continual paranoia spiral !! maybe !!#i feel like me posting this is going to be a Wrong Immoral Move but fdsjkl rly trying to just. break out of it rn fsdjkl#dandyshucks
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#tw period#im so sick and fucking tired of this shit#like. im not even in extreme pain! im at low-to-medium level discomfort that comes in waves all day#but that's the PRELUDE. my period hasn't even officially started yet#and i don't know what this means. idk if this means i'll be slammed as if by a fucking freight train tomorrow if i don't take my meds#i think it will bc that's becoming the norm. light periods are quickly disappearing or few and far between#im so tired#(doesn't help that i didn't get enough sleep last night but still)#and i feel that while my periods are pretty brutal they're not the level i see people with diagnosed endometriosis speak of#i've got meds that pretty much suppress the majority of it leaving me with just an undercurrent hum of pain#which is a fucking blessing btw bc without them i would be almost unable to function on day 1 and 2#so im like well ive got something that works and it's easily available drugstore medication so surely it can't be THAT level of bad#like. it's bad. but it's not [insert chronic illness] right?#i just don't fucking know. all i know is that this sucks and it happens every month and im uncomfortable to go on hormones and just.#it fucking sucks.#i remember when my periods felt the way im feeling right now (as im yet to start bleeding) and it scares me#idk if it'll get worse but it sure ain't great already#anne speaks
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#it's been days and I don't know if I've fully absorbed it or not#i've been bouncing off to denial and acceptance every minute so yeah#astro's been my emotional pillar for years#ever since I met them i felt more positive in life#sure there were a lot of awful things that happened over the years. that's how life goes#but whenever I feel lonely angry or tinest bit of upset I would listen to one astro song and it'll feel much better#or watch any astro video and I would find myself smiling/laughing and suddenly life doesn't suck as much anymore#this year generally for me has been a mess even worse than years when i had to be hospitalized or sick generally#i got better physically but it's mentally draining#when rocky left astro it hurt for a moment but that's how their industry works and I understood that#i got to see him bonding with his brother and he could still smile and that all matters#then the news of binnie passing came#I've barely listened to any of their songs for the last days because I could hear his voice and it hurts#few days and break downs later i feel a bit better and I could watch some of their show (i still avoid any live performances tho)#now something came up again and I realized that I can't run back to them the way I used to#at least without being reminded that there wouldn't be a chance to see them complete again#and that hit me hard
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