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slushie5544 · 5 months ago

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Chapter 3 of A Doofenella Story: An Unlikely Nemesis

While trapped and forced to listen to the neverending tales of his nemesis, Perry only had one thing on his mind.

'How the hell did I get stuck with this idiot?'

4.5k words

“Behold Perry the Paladin, for I, Heinz the Mad Scientist D, have concocted my new latest serum of the stickiest substances known to man, or as I call it. Stuckygloo! Heh, get it? Because it’s sticky which is also a play on being stuck and then glue is also super..”

This was going to be a while, Perry thought to himself as he stood there letting the older man monologue about his newest concoction. He wasn’t quite sure when this became a routine for both of them; to be completely frank with himself, he barely even remembered how long they had been going back and forth like this now. It could’ve been multiple months by now had it been a few years at this point. Regardless, he lost track after probably the fifty-ish explosion from one of Heinz’s sabotaged plans.

“-..For You see Perry the Paladin when I was just a wee boy, believe or not I used to have beautiful locks that would’ve left even Rapunzel envious, no not that made up princess! You see.. that’s a whole other backstory about..!”

Oh god, he’s still going on? With a silent sigh, the trapped man looked up at the ceiling, only partially listening to the other’s tragic backstory. His eyes were narrowed boredly, but he didn’t bother struggling against the trivial bounds and instead started wondering: How the hell did I get stuck with this idiot?

Standing at the edge of the kingdom, Perry unraveled a scroll that had his mission with a very vague hand-drawn map of large landmarks to be on the lookout for when traversing through the forest. Above the sketched outline, were the familiar cursive writings of his superior.

“Congratulations Squire Percival, you have honored and served the GWCA well for many years. After much thought and consideration, we as the council of the secret guild are proud to bestow you as an official knight of the Woodland Guardians. Hereby, your sworn duties are not only to protect the kingdom but to uncover and put a stop to whatever lurks in the dark woods.

As today is your first time out on the field, our covert scribe, Carl has gathered and tagged all recent and old reports of the mysterious landmarks roughly marked below. However, many of the archives had been lost mysteriously. As part of the W.G, your first quest is to document and become familiar with the unknown land. In your satchel, we have also left you the tools and guides to aid you in your journey. Good luck Sir. Perry and good luck.~ Commander M.”

Sir Perry, the official title bounced through his mind multiple times as he read the message over and over. A smirk crept on his lips Sir Perry the Knight, it had a nice ring to it he thought while wrapping up his scroll and trading it for an empty black covered journal and a compass in Daliah’s satchel. Swiftly, and in one movement he used the stirrups to hop onto her saddle, taking a deep breath he shut the face-covering and gently nudged his steed into the uncharted woods.

~~~

Despite not having a clear plan, their traverse through the thick shrubbery was a breeze for the duo. They had started southbound from the kingdom, with every few meters he’d mark a tree with a turquoise paper tag that he would tie onto a branch and then write down the direction they were headed in his book.

Dahlia trod slowly but with purpose, as she weaved between the thin birch trees, her ears swiveled around on his alert, but her head was low as she sniffed the air with loud snorts and huffs. She wasn’t afraid of these parts like the other horses in the kingdom’s stables; though to be fair this mare was far from a domesticated pet, and she wasn’t just some trained animal aiding the guild. These mysterious parts were once her home, there had been a time when she could roam the woods freely and live her life wildly.

It had all been stolen from her in just a single night when her home was destroyed, everything had turned to ash and rubble as large burning trees separated her from her family never to be seen again. After escaping the suffocating heat, Dahlia was left trotting aimlessly trying to find her loved ones. However, instead, she was met by true monsters. Monsters that literally dragged her from her life and imprisoned her in small wooden rooms. The type of beasts that shackled and abused her when she didn’t obey. They left a permanent scar across her flank which was the worst and yet the best day of her life since arriving in this prison. That day she met the teal-haired man who hopped over a fence as tall as him to shove the monsters off her. He didn’t receive a broken nose and multiple abrasions to his body just to leave empty-handed though--- it seemed this also caught the attention of a certain elder who had been scoping for recruits.

He took care of her to the best of his ability, taking her out regularly while tending to her wounds and malnourished diet. After some months the mare was back to her health and while the two shared a definite bond over time, it was clear that she still yearned to be free; Perry understood this all too well. Months turned into a year and Daliah (despite his many objections, about naming a wild horse, his family convinced him to either pick a name or deal with Ducky Jr, Momo the Horsey, Horsea, Neighbert, or even Trottingham.), had finally recovered fully and was running laps around the kingdom’s orchard. Her gallops were full of excitement and glee, with every few clops she hopped in the air and whined with joy. However, with every pull of her reigns when they got too close to the woods, Perry could feel her tense and notice her contemplating as she stared into what she used to call her home.

Releasing her had been the right thing to do, she deserved to be wild, like she was born to be. Little did either realize how much the knight and horse had in common. Born to be wild, yet destined to be part of something much greater limiting their true freedom. Perhaps that was one of the reasons the two grew so close.

~~~

The sound of rushing water broke Perry out of his thoughts as they neared a large stream of water that led to the flowing river. Looking down at his compass the river was flowing west which he scribbled into his book before leaving a tag between two large boulders. Jumping down from the saddle, he figured now would be a good time to stretch and investigate what was upstream, it also gave Daliah a moment to get some water and eat; she would catch up eventually. Lifting his faceguard he clicked his tongue, to which the mare whinnied and trotted off in the opposite direction while Perry walked eastwardly along the rocky riverbank.

Even with its slow flow, the river was full of life, with the calm waters weaving gently between large stones and boulders sitting in the shallow waters. Some were even stacked into mounds with moss growing between the cracks. On top, a few of the formations were frogs that croaked out and hopped away when the knight approached, looking into the clear waters he saw the amphibians swimming along with a multitude of large fish going the same direction as him.

Looking down at his compass, Perry noticed the embankment was turning him slightly northern while remaining more leaned eastward. While following along the shore he took note of the different plants that sprouted nearby, with a slight sketch next to the description.

‘It seems cattails and pickerel weeds grow in abundance the more I travel upstream. According to articles about flora and wildlife; both have many edible benefits** including resourcefulness in tools.

Both contain very versatile parts when dried, from the stems used to weave hats and baskets to the roots and seeds being useful for alternative flour. Even the leaves of the plants are edible raw and cooked.

*Remember to bring some home for Linda’s cooking.’

Closing the journal, Perry looked up at the sky to see patches of sky through some of the large branches overhead. He could hear the singing birds chirping from every direction as they hid between the rustling leaves that shook from the tree’s arms from the gust of wind that blew by. Taking in the fresh pine smell, the man exhaled with a deep sigh as he continued his walk.

Despite the serenity of it all, the knight refused to stop for too long and continued up the stream for a few more kilometers. To his left (North) he noticed the shrubbery becoming much denser as bushes gradually grew taller, it was such a minuscule change that anyone without a trained eye would’ve missed it. With a raised brow, Perry looked back to see Daliah was still nearby chomping down on nearby flora, he wanted to test something.

Without directing his full attention solely to the woods, he turned on his heels to walk in the direction he came from. At times he caught glimpses at the brushes and swallowed back a gulp as he reopened his journal and jotted down a small note.

‘They’re moving? Moving Northeast causes plant life to grow subtly, but upon traveling back Southwest it rapidly goes back to normal. Possible red herring? Will report more about anomaly as I travel deeper into the woods.’

Soon after closing his journal, Perry reverted to walking upstream along the shallow shores. Unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried to focus on continuing his path along the river shore the teal-haired man couldn’t shake this festering annoyance that itched the back of his mind to turn back. There was something about those bushes, every other second his eyes darted toward the shrubbery that continued to taunt him by flowing casually with the wind. The pink and white flowers were such a vibrant contrast to the naturally dim surroundings, even on parts that weren’t touched by the limited sunlight the flowers were just as bright

Was that… Vanilla?

His heart leaped in his chest as the smell disappeared as quickly as it hit him. Narrowing his eyes the man came to a full stop and slowly turned his head so he was facing the hedges that were now as tall as him.

This wasn’t normal!

Finally having had enough, Perry went against his better judgment and trekked up to the woods, which practically barricaded itself off. The leaves were long and pointed, sprouting in different directions while bunched together, making it difficult to even look into the large shrubs.

Was that flower always there?

Strangely, with every gap the man found it was quickly replaced with a blooming white flower that matured in seconds turning the five curved petals into a light pink cluster at the end of the thin branches.

How intriguing.

Unsheathing a small blade from his holster Perry took a nearby stem and sliced it off with a swift cut.

‘-RRY..!!'

The echoing shrill in his mind only lasted for a split second but the sound and sheer panic in the muffled voice made him jump back. While trying to catch his breath, Perry could feel and hear his heart pounding heavily against his chest. Looking over his shoulder and to his sides it seemed he was the only being who had experienced the horrid sound, with birds chirping once again and Daliah in the distance waiting for him by the river like nothing just happened.

Just need a minute to sit, that’s all.

Making his way back to the river the knight slid off his gloves and only his helmet to refresh himself by splashing cold water onto his face. He had hoped it would be enough of a shock to alleviate his pounding head, but it was to no avail. He squinted down at his reflection in the shallow pool, not daring to blink until his eyes burned and his vision became blurry. Finally giving in, his chocolate brown eyes closed as he took a deep inhale and then splashed his face one more time

This is absolute madness!

Standing back up, Perry threw his helmet back onto his head and stormed up the tall hedges which now towered over him by double. What was he so worried about? He had heard about much weirder happenings in these woods and was prepared for any harrowing experience thrown his way. He hadn’t spent a multitude of years of training and fighting his way up the ranks to be warded off by a bunch of flowers!

With a roll of his eyes, the man grabbed the small stock he had cut from the bush and rubbed the leaves between his fingers. The greenery was leathery to the touch and looked glossy under a ray of sunlight. While twirling the stem of the plant he took a small whiff of the flower only to grimace at the normally sweet aroma.

Vanilla?

His head started to ache once again as that half-shrill tried to make its way back to the front of his mind. This time he sat next to the bush as he put his free palm to his forehead under his helmet. However, his moment of recovery was short-lived when a raspy voice spoke up from behind him.

“Ya know, if you keep plucking and sniffing every flower you don’t know you're probably going to get yourself sick.. Oh please! Put your sword away, if I was going to do anything I would’ve already. Are you even aware of what you’re holding? Oleanders are one of the most toxic plants out here! Just touching the lea-...”

Fluttering to the ground, the plant was forgotten as the knight swiftly turned around and took out his long blade to wield at whoever snuck up behind him. His teeth were bared while he glared up at the taller man who raised his wooden hands in the air and stared back with wide midnight-blue eyes. While the other continued rambling, Perry looked the peculiar man up and down briefly--not paying any mind to whatever he was yapping about.

He wore a tattered tunic with the neckline of it barely being held together by stands of string; the sleeves were rolled up past his elbows which Perry could see the left prosthetic connected by his elbow, while the other was hidden more up his sleeve. Around his midsection over his shirt was a thick woven fabric partially tucked into his patched-up breeches. The brown trousers just barely cut off below his knees, though it was hard to tell if it was because of how small the pants were or how tall the man was.

Even while slouched over the man, towered over the knight which made him think it was likely both reasons. His narrowed eyes shifted back to his face and he started to tilt his head only now taking in his features. Disheveled brunette hair stuck out in multiple directions; he wasn't even sure where it even parted, it was just a conglomerate mess! His nose was hard to ignore, with small bumps at the bridge, which he was all too familiar with; not to mention how it awkwardly pointed out from the center of his face. And those eyes, they were somehow the most expressive part of him--aside from his endless chattering; the dark blue orbs were wide and .. were they sparkling?

Figuring he wasn’t a threat Perry lowered the weapon from the other Adam’s apple, but his glare didn’t falter. This didn’t seem to bother the stranger in the slightest as he continued talking and somehow ended up talking about the process of photosynthesis.

Was this some sort of distraction?

He looked at the hedge to his left, the tops of the bushes were just a couple tantalizingly inches inches too tall for him to look over; even when he tried to hop on his tiptoes. This was getting him nowhere, and he needed to start reporting back to the guild before it got late. With exasperated sigh Perry rolled his eyes before shoving past the man to head back to the riverbank where Daliah waited for him.

“Hey! Where are you going? I haven’t even told you about how the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell!”

Once mounted onto the horse, the paladin took another glance in the direction he left the man to wave him over. He might be annoying, but Perry still had a duty and the least he could do was bring the lost civilian home to the kingdom.

However, it was as if the stranger had vanished into thin air. Not a trace of another being was left behind, only the rustling of the bushes settling back to their normal height.

Just don’t think too much about it! It’s too early to lose your mind already!

With a whistle, Dahlia started her trek back to the kingdom, but all Perry could think about was trying to ease the irritating rash that was slowly forming in his hands.

What was that plant called again?

“.. anyways! That was how we got chased out of a town by a borzoi named Rapunzel. Which by the way, totally not my fault that the owner and half the town was dragged by its hair!”

Blinking back to reality Sir Perry tried to tune back in with whatever side tangent the alchemist was wrapping up.

Maybe now he could get on with his grand scheme.

“Anyways where was I going with this? Oh right!! There had been a point when I had the best hair in the kingdom! Sometimes Mother would even braid them back with flowers and… er.. You know what, t-that’s unrelated sorry! Heh, geez I’m getting parched from all this monologuing! Do you want some water, Perry?”

With a shake of his head, the knight shrugged his shoulders and tried to yank his arm out of the concocted binds for his hands to be rubber-banded back to his chest.

“Oh right! It seems like you are still in a sticky situation over there! Oh come on now don’t look so GLUE-m! Oh oh, I got it! Stay Adhesive soldier! Ha! Get it because it sounds like at ease solider an-!”

If the knight could groan he would’ve by now as he leaned his head back against the wall behind him. Nearby he saw a wooden platter with a clay pitcher that Heinz had set down on a table littered with scraps of paper and half-created trinkets. Some of which he either recognized as past ‘-inators’ as the scientist proclaimed them to be, or writings that were unintelligible from this distance. However, he could tell the large cursive letters of his nemesis from a mile away.

He never would admit it, but it always impressed the younger man how neat the other’s penmanship was despite being one of the clumsiest and scatterbrained people Perry had ever met. Even more interesting was his ambidexterity, despite having both of his hands limited to wooden digits, it never seemed to affect the scientist’s craft; he could be sketching out a whole invention while writing the notes simultaneously. Even while he was talking it was sometimes a wonder to watch how his fake limbs bent and turned while he was enthralled in a story.

Perry vaguely remembered when Heinz briefly mentioned something about a magic spell that allowed him more control over the prosthetics, but he refused to elaborate any more on them. Any follow-up questions were met with tidbits about his creations to get back on track for once. Not that the knight cared about the miscellaneous details of the man, it was merely an observation he noted and remembered it was a delicate subject to bring up.

“..ok! Ok! I swear I’m done now! Back to my beautiful hair! One day I was to my favorite candy store and-..”

Here we go again..

He had expected many things when given this position. Possible geographical discoveries, maybe a ghoul or two that had to be defeated, or even a fantastical sidequest that involved faes and other beings he had read so much about What he hadn’t anticipated was the nuisance of a stranger he met all that time ago to be the root of all the mysteries that plagued the woods.

It was his first couple of weeks on the field when they crossed paths again. After numerous complaints of market stalls being robbed in the dead of night, the only traces of the perpetrator(s) were large footprints leading back to the woods and a black cloth snagged on one of the nearby trees. Perry took it upon himself to get to the bottom of it.

Much to his surprise (and his disappointment) though the search hadn’t lasted very long. He had barely made his course past the woods entrance when he spotted a familiar hunched-over man hauling a large brown sack over his shoulders. When the two made eye contact this seemed to send the other into a panicked fumble as he tried to turn back and attempted to drag the bag behind him. He hadn't gotten very far once the duo caught up, Perry stopped Daliah in front of the suspect.

“For crying out loud! I swear you knights are always trying to find ways to show off your silly little ponies! You could’ve just told me to stop..”

Rolling his eyes the knight lifted his faceguard, this at least got the man to stop for just a moment as he tilted his head and then pointed a wooden finger at him.

“Hey wait a minute!! You’re that guy who was sniffing and playing the oleanders! Did you ever get your hand checked out, it looked like it was already reddening when I saw you. I meant to give you something for it, but you just left! It’s rude to just leave while someone is tal-...”

Oh my god not again.. Seemingly having the same thought, Perry sighed in annoyance while Daliah huffed, digging her front hoof into the ground. The stranger put his hands up, dropping his duffle revealing mostly scraps of metal, wooden tools, and.. nuts? Most of which had been reported to be stolen.

“Yeesh! I was just making my way home.. So if you don’t mind I’ll just be going around and- oh come on really?”

Quickly the hermit turned around to pick up his contents, Perry noticed the shabby black cloak he wore with tears at the ends. Once the individual picked up his luggage, he had tried to step around the knight, but the younger man maneuvered his horse to the side ultimately blocking the other from running.

“Come on man, what’s your problem? I already told you where I’m going!” Perry raised a brow and gave a pointed look, “Oh! This stuff? Well, er.. Alright alright! So you caught me! For I, Heinz the mad genius have concocted the perfect plan to overthrow the ‘so-called great royal family!’ I just need time to put it all together and..”

This was getting us nowhere! Finally, jumping down from his horse, Perry marched up to the man who was too busy rambling about his plots that he barely had a chance to react to the iron fist before he was uppercutted. The punch had just enough force to not only make Heinz let go of the bag but also send him backward until he lost his footing and landed in the shallow rivers with a loud splash.

“Ughh.. So I’m guessing they sent you here? Figures as much.. Just wait you wait, Mystery Man! One day I will have my comeuppance and you all shall rue the day you cross The Mad Alchemist Heinz Doof!! Curse you!!!”

Had Perry known that second interaction would lead him down a path of constantly being on Heinz’s case and thwarting his (albeit petty) schemes; he’s not so sure he would’ve been so proud and overzealous when reporting back to his superiors. Maybe he should’ve just anonymously given the sack to the guild and they could’ve handled it, but of course the knight had to prove he was worthy of true missions.

Little did he realize those missions almost always involved the obnoxious scientist no matter how large or small the anomaly was, he was always somehow behind it all and it was up to Percival the Honorable (as some of the other members called him) to stop him.

So here he was, trapped in the confines of his armor boredly glaring at the alchemist who was finally done with his onslaught of backstories. Perry vaguely remembered something about how a kid named Doger (?) accidentally got gum in his hair and Heinz had to get some of his hair trimmed so now he wanted everyone to have something in their hair so they had to be cut as well and live with the same embarassing haircut, or at least something along those lines.

Overdramatic much? Alright, time to get out of here!

After a minute or two of shifting his arm around he had finally freed his hand from the stuck gauntlets. The scientist was still preoccupied with wandering his home to even notice the knight taking out his sword in order to reach the pitcher of water nearby. Just barely managing to get the sharp end through the handle, Perry quickly lifted his weapon so the water sloshed out and onto his armor, which turned Stuckgloo into a mushy goop that slid to the ground.

The clanging of the pot hitting the floor had the scientitst quickly turn around to see the other just barely putting his armored glove back on. His sword was sheathed back to his side, and fists tightened with one foot infront of the other.

“Huh, guess I should come up with a waterproof version of.. ACK-!”

Heinz hadn’t even finished his sentence when his feet were swept from underneath him and all the potions he had been holding flew into the air. Upon opening his eyes, he saw Perry standing kneeling over him with a smirk. He tried to move his head to the side, but instead, Heinz was stuck only staring at the ceiling and that smug grin on his nemesis’s face. With a grunt, he tried to move his arms, but they too were glued to the floor.

‘You want some water with that?’

The alchemist rolled his eyes at the comment, “Har Har Har! Very funny! You made your point and thwarted me! Now help me up will, y-” The knight stood up and started making his way to the door, “Hey hey! Wh-where are you going!? Get back here! You can’t just leave me on the floor like this! CURSE YOU PERRY THE PALADIN!!”

< Part 2 Part 4>

#pnf #perryshmirtz #perry the human #heinz doofenshmirtz #doofenella au #phineas and ferb #pnf fanfic #knight au #perry the platypus #cinderella au #medieval stuff

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